#also why in hell did he shot the pyramids? who knows? was it a cool scene? maybe for someone who did not have any idea of anything.

[portuguesedisaster]

Just came back from watching Napoleon and ugh.

[hansols-yoda-boxers]

I just discovered the cns au today but I love it so much 🥺 Not sure if you discussed it before since I’m still reading through stuff but — do you think the staff who are on their 1st year did some sort of a bonding activity tgt at some point? They seem to be a diverse group to say the least (lol) but I think someone could’ve tried to put them together and say it is a mandatory activity for the ‘newbies’ at camp??? (my heart says boo seungkwan but maybe you have another candidate for this lmao)

Lee Gahyeon x Lee Chan

I thought this was cute but it got really long oops. Chan gets kinda mean at one point. That’s the only thing I think needs a warning.

[10:02]

“Do we have to do this?” Gahyeon grumbled.

“Believe me, I’d much rather be hiking than here right now,” Chan scoffed.

“Yeah, I had plans today,” Yeosang said.

“Quiet,” Seungkwan warned. “This is fun. We’re going to have fun and get to know each other better.” He looked at Yeosang. “And no you didn’t. I know you didn’t.”

Yeosang crossed his arms over his chest, disgruntled. 

“It really will be a good time,” Mingi said brightly. “You guys will have fun and get to know each other. It’s good to bond.”

Gahyeon shifted closer the Chaeyoung as she looked at the small group. Seungkwan and Mingi had insisted on collecting the new staff and spending the day doing... something. She wasn’t sure what. They had done ice breakers before, they didn’t need more trust falls and silly games to remember everyone’s name.

At present Chaeyoung and Yeosang looked bored. San looked sad. Chan was obviously ignoring her in the loudest way possible. And Jongho was just staring at his feet.

Sure. Fun.

“I’m not doing more trust falls,” Gahyeon said.

“Those were lame,” Yeosang chimed in.

“You are all so ungrateful,” Seungkwan sighed, pinching his nose and a hand on his hip. “We’re doing something fun for you.”

“Doubt it,” Chan mumbled. Seungkwan shot him a glare as Mingi started to talk.

“It’s not trust falls. We know you all know each others names and don’t need ice breakers. We want you to actually work together. Do you remember bingo night?” Mingi asked.

Chan stood a little taller, puffing out his chest. “Of course we do.”

“You’d think he’s a peacock the way he postures like that,” Gahyeon muttered to Chaeyoung, earning a giggle.

“He’s too full of himself,” She chuckled.

“Well,” Mingi continued. “We have a scavenger hunt for you. You will have to work together, all six of you for some things. But you also will spend most of the day with your partner. It’ll help you get to know them.”

Gahyeon looped her arm around Chaeyoung’s. “Perfect, I call Chaeyoung!”

“Oh no,” Seungkwan said. “We’ve already decided the partners. You just have to deal with it. Also, if you are the first or only pair to finish your list you win...” He pulled a bag of candies, chocolates, and some home baked cookies from his backpack. “...a prize!”

The whole group was much more invested seeing the prize. Even San and Jongho seemed much more interested.

“Alright, give us the lists,” Chan said impatiently.

“Last thing, you finish by 9 tonight and have to have proof of each item,” Seungkwan said. “And unlike bingo night this is pg.”

“Let us get started,” Yeosang said.

“Okay,” Mingi said brightly. “Jongho and San.”

The two looked at each other, Jongho seeming a little shy. They grabbed their sheet before pouring over it.

“Chaeyoung and Yeosang.”

“Wait,” Gahyeon said, feeling her stomach drop. “no.”

“Seungkwan, what the hell!?” Chan protested.

Gahyeon was sure Seungkwan was smirking at them. “Enjoy your day together,” he said, handing Chan the paper.

[12:15]

“Oh hey!” Gahyeon looked up, relieved to see the others approaching them. The last two hours had been snark and silence and it was driving her nuts.

“Perfect,” Gahyeon said. “Let’s do that pyramid.”

“Whatever,” Chan mumbled. Gahyeon threw him a glare. Why did he have to be difficult for no reason?

“Sounds good to me,” Jongho smiled. He seemed a little more comfortable now. “How should we do it?”

“I’ll be on the bottom,” Yeosang said. “I don’t mind. And you’re pretty strong, Jongho.”

“I’ll join then.” He said.

“I’m strong too,” Chan said quick. Gahyeon bit back her laugh. What did he have to prove so badly. “Gahyeon you’re pretty small, maybe you can be on top.”

“I- sure,” she mumbled, feeling a little flustered. Was that a compliment or an insult?

“Looks like you’re having fun.” As Chaeyoung and San climbed on the other three’s backs you looked up to see Minji coming closer. 

“Can you take the picture?” Gahyeon asked.

“Of course,” she said. “It’s cute to see you all working together.”

“It’s painful,” Chan muttered.

Gahyeon climbed up to the top. “Chae, will you knee him in the back for me?” The whole pyramid giggled as Minji took a series of pictures, asking you all to smile for at least a few.

“I took a bunch,” She said. “Good luck with your day.”

“I feel like we need it,” Gahyeon mumbled.

[2:48]

“Okay, what’s next?” Gahyeon sighed.

“We’ve done a lot of it.” Chan looked at the list. “We can climb up on Cheol’s roof once the kids are in bed so they don’t see us.”

“Should we get the boring ones out of the way?” She suggested.

Chan groaned. “I don’t want to do them. The interviewing each other thing is dumb. What do I even need to know about you?”

“You think I want to do it?” She questioned, plopping down in the grass. “I didn’t ask for this. But I want to win.”

“Me too,” he said. “Otherwise I would have dipped. I don’t need to spend any more time with you than necessary.”

Gahyeon rolled her eyes, ignoring the slight sting of his comments. “Yeah, whatever, we can just do this then it’s done.”

“Sure,” he said, sitting down and grabbing a notepad from his bag. “Best moment at camp so far?”

“I don’t know,” She mumbled. “We put music on the first night the campers were here cuz one girl was sad. And we all just danced and jammed out. It was just fun and wholesome.”

“Cool,” Chan said flatly. Gahyeon felt frustration bubbling up inside her. He could at least pretend this didn’t suck for 5 minutes. “Worst moment so far? Should I just say this? Cuz I’m putting down it’s spending the day together.”

“No,” she said through gritted teeth. “Actually last night one of my campers got sick. I held her hair for an hour while she was throwing up and had to get Minji to call her mom.”

“Oh,” Chan said, his tone much more sincere. “That actually sucks.”

“Yeah, I know. I was there.” Gahyeon replied coldly.

“Uh-” He looked back at the questions. “What worried you most about coming to camp?”

“You know what,” Gahyeon said, crossed her arms over her stomach. “I’m doe with this. If we lose we lose.”

“Come on,” he whined. “I won’t say anything this time. I’ll just shut up and write.”

Gahyeon looked away from him, pulling her knees into her chest. “I don’t get along with people easily. I was worried I wouldn’t fit in and everyone would hate me.” She didn’t hear the sound of pencil on paper, instead of Chan placing the notebook down.

“I’m an ass, aren’t I.”

“Yeah, you are,” Gahyeon mumbled.

“I’m sorry. That probably doesn’t mean much.”

“Nope.”

She heard him writing. Then the notebook poked her leg. Gahyeon spared it a glance before taking it reluctantly. Chan didn’t meet her eyes as he passed it. She looked down and read his answers, realizing he’d written something else for the third question.

“You didn’t write what I said.” She said.

“It kinda felt like something you didn’t want everyone to know,” he shrugged. “I don’t think you wanted me to know.”

Gahyeon doodled a star on the page idly. “Thanks.”

“No problem,” he said. “You can take a turn asking some questions.”

Gahyeon nodded. “Yeah, okay.”

[8:40]

“Come on,” Gahyeon giggled, dragging Chan to the side of Seungcheol’s office. There was an antenna with a metal base that was easy to climb. “This is the last thing.”

“I’m coming,” he said. “We have time.”

“I like a good margin,” Gahyeon said. She rushed to the metal structure and started to climb. Chan let her go up first. The climb seemed easy but as the evening came dew was settling on things. Gahyeon felt her foot slip as she scrambled.

“Oh my god!” Gahyeon grabbed the metal as she screeched, managing to get a had hold as Chan caught her waist. “Be careful!” He scolded.

“I’m okay,” she said. Still, she climbed more slowly. Chan followed her up closely until they were both of the roof. He took a picture as Gahyeon sat down. He was quick to send it off to Seungkwan before settling beside her.

“Job well done,” he said.

“Looks like we can work together,” Gahyeon said. “Imagine what we could achieve.”

“But then, who’s my competition?” Chan questioned.

Gahyeon felt a smile tug at her lips. “True, it’s more fun that way. So long as you stop being an ass.”

He gave Gahyeon a sheepish grin. “I can do that. We can compete civilly.”

“Agreed.” Said Gahyeon. “But let’s start again tomorrow.”

“Sound good to me.”

[artificialqueens]

Tree House Kisses, Chapter 20 (Adorney) - Scorpio and Veronica

A/N: Click here for previous chapters. xoxo!

Chapter Summary: Sometimes sixteen is not particularly sweet. Courtney’s birthday party has arrived, and she’s determined for it to be perfect.

Chapter 20: Rock ‘N’ Roll Party Queen

“Good moooorning!” Adore trilled, sailing into Courtney’s bedroom with a breakfast tray. “Happy birthday, princess!”

Courtney shot up in bed, pushing a sleep mask off her face, panicked. “What time is it!? Did i oversleep?! Omigod!”

“No, don’t worry, it’s only 8:30.” Adore slid the tray onto the bed and climbed in beside her. “You said I was supposed to be over to help set up at 10.”

Courtney relaxed against the pillows, sighing. “Yeah, okay. Jesus, you scared me.” She smiled, calming down a little. “What did you make me?”

“Well, Bonnie made you blueberry pancakes, that gross fake bacon and some kind of coconut banana smoothie. I made you this.” She handed over a black box with “2001” written on the top.

Courtney opened her mouth so that Adore could feed her a bite of pancakes while she took the lid off the box. She giggled at the contents of the box, picking up the note and reading it out loud.

“Remember when we were 11 and I broke my ankle and you were jealous of my cast, because you are a psycho, so my mom wrapped your ankle in an ace bandage and surgical tape and then gave you a pair of crutches and you hobbled around like a drama queen and made everyone sign your bandage? Well, I made everyone sign another one. Cause you deserve to have all your silly fantasies indulged.” Courtney looked up. “Awww, thanks, babe.” She leaned over to give Adore a hug.

“Read the messages!” Adore urged, feeding her a strip of soy bacon.

OMG I remember when you made us all do this when you were 11, hahaha. GET WELL SOON HONEY! XOXO! <3, Darienne

Hey Cheerleader. This is fuckin weird. -Willam

Feel Better, Courtney! Love, Pearl

Get better soon, mi puta sucia! Te amo forever!! Muchos Besos, April

Hey cutie! Love you and your beautiful voice!! Rest and get better! -Jinkx

Court, I this was silly in 6th grade and it’s REALLY silly now. But I hope you like it. So get well soon, I guess. Your friend, Bob

Hope your imaginary ankle heals, Courtney! I mean I know your ankle is real but I mean your imaginary injury. I hope that heals. Whee, yay for pretend!!! Love, Thorgy

HURRY UP AND GET BETTER CAUSE WE NEED YOU ON TOP OF THAT PYRAMID OKURRRRRR! KISSES, GANJA

I don’t really get what’s going on here. Xo, Gia

Gia is a moron. Always and Forever, Alyssa Edwards

Fuck Adore, this present is stupid. I love you. -Roy

^JEALOUS MUCH??^ This present is genius and your boyfriend obviously has no imagination! <3, Dory

Courtney burst out laughing, snuggling against Adore’s warm body. “This was awesome. Thanks. And thank you for breakfast, too. Bonnie’s the best.”

“Alright, cuddleslut, what’s on the schedule today?” Adore asked, kissing the top of Courtney’s head.

“The people from the party supply place are delivering the tables and stuff by 10, and I told Darienne and Roy to come at 10:30.”

“Gotcha.”

She reached for her clipboard. “I should probably make sure that my mom’s boyfriend is on his way to help set up all the lights and stuff. My sister is picking up the cake and the food from Pasadena on her way here, and then we have to put it in the oven while we do hair and makeup. My mom will take care of the final set-up with grandma and my aunt.”

Adore opened her mouth to respond but Courtney continued to speak.

“I have to make sure that there’s power for Tomas, the DJ, and that we print out the lists for the photographer. I was supposed to do that last night but I forgot and oh!”

“Court!” Adore interrupted.

“Yeah?”

“Take a breath, babe. Have some more pancakes.” She held out a forkful and Courtney acquiesced.

-

The way Courtney was giving out orders, it seemed to Roy like she was planning a wedding, not a birthday party.

“Roy, take these chairs outside and set them evenly around the tables.” Courtney pointed to the stack of chairs against the wall.

“By myself? Where’s Adore, so she can help me?” Roy scratched his head looking around.

“Adore is doing other things. Just take a few at a time-- No! Carry them... like this,” Courtney fixed the chairs under Roy’s arm to help him carry the maximum chairs that he could.

As Roy wobbled to the door trying not to drop the chairs, Adore entered, snickering when she saw Roy having a bit of trouble.

“Need some help?” she asked as she held the door open.

“Yeah, take--”

“No Roy, I told you. I need Adore to help me with other stuff. Use your muscles,” Courtney chided, pulling Adore away from Roy causing the door to close on him.

“Uh...” Adore looked back at Roy, trying not to laugh at his groans of pain.

“Help me move this projector outside for the video,” Courtney said, gesturing to the overhead.

“Video?” Adore asked, moving to help Courtney lift the projector.

“Yeah,” Courtney nodded as they headed out the door. “Let's move it over there, I want it by our table so that I can be front and center when the video plays.” Courtney nodded guiding them to where she wanted it to be sat.

“So, like baby videos and all of that?” Adore smirked.

“Yep, annnddd,” she stretched out teasingly, “the video of you, me, Dela, April and Darienne doing Wannabe,” Courtney smiled sitting the projector down.

“No! No you didn’t,” Adore stared wide eyed at her.

“Yes, yes I did. It’s super cute and one of my most precious memories. Remember earlier that day we argued about who would get to be Ginger and you started to cry until I told you, you could be her next time?” Courtney giggled.

“Yeah, I remember because you lied and I never got to be Ginger,” Adore shook her head, “But I also remember the choreography being fucking awful. Which is why you should probably skip over that video,” Adore rolled her eyes.  

Courtney grinned, asking teasingly, “Afraid you’re not gonna look cool in front of Raja?”

“No one is gonna look cool in that video, but Raja isn’t coming.”

“What?! Why didn’t you tell me?!” Courtney’s hand flew to her cheek, brow furrowed in distress.

“I--you didn’t even want her here. I had to beg you to let me invite her, why are you upset?”

“Because now I have to re-do the tables, Adore! She was sitting with us, because she was your date, and now it’s gonna be--”

“Re-do the tables?”

“The TABLE ASSIGNMENTS!” Courtney pointed to the stack of place cards, names carefully lettered on pink and silver stars.

Adore shook her head. “I’m sorry, I didn’t know that we had table assignments, I thought it was like, a party, I thought--”

“Ugh!” Courtney threw up her hands, exasperated. “How will people know where to sit if we don’t have placecards? I need to go get the seating chart!” She flounced back inside to grab more supplies.  

Adore stood there confused as she watched Courtney leave. Roy came up behind Adore, putting his hands on her shoulders, whispering, “Welcome to hell…”

Darienne walked over with a box of centerpieces. “Give her a break, guys. Party planning is very stressful.”

Roy rolled his eyes. “Yeah, we know, it’s really hard to pick napkins that match your shoes or whatever.”

“Stop. After you finish the chairs, why don’t you go help Todd and the guys with the lights, Roy? Adore, can you help me finish the tables? We need to put out all the centerpieces and lay out the placecards by the entrance.”

“Aye aye, captain.”

-

Darienne paused, in the middle of filling up balloons from a helium container with Adore, at the sound of shrieking from the kitchen. She looked at Adore. “Let’s go see what the problem is.”

“Do we have to?” Roy asked nearby.

“Come on…”

All three of them approached the kitchen door tentatively, where Courtney was on the phone with her sister, nearly hysterical.

“Kimmy! You said that Derek would be helping you!...No, fine, but I don’t really think you’re gonna be able to handle it all on your own and he has an SUV and you have a tiny little car and will it even fit? What it the cake gets messed up?!...I thought you could hold the box while he drove!” Courtney paced around the kitchen, voice at a fever pitch. “Don’t yell at me! I’m not mad at you, I’m just trying to figure out--...Don’t hang up, Kimmy!”

Darienne opened the door and walked inside. “Honey…”

Courtney turned around, tears streaked down her face. “I don’t know what to do…I think it’s too much for one person, and she’s all mad at me now, but I was just trying to tell her that she needs help...she’s upset, I think she had a fight with her boyfriend. But how was I supposed to know that?!” Courtney sniffled, letting Darienne stroke her hair.

Roy and Adore exchanged a look, and then Roy cleared his throat. “Uh, Court, I could borrow my dad’s truck, and either meet Kim, or like, just take care of it myself.”

“But what about--”

“And if you want someone to hold the cake, I can bring Eddy. Or if you don’t trust him, I’m sure Lynn is free. She’s a loser.” He flashed his dimples charmingly. “What do you think?”

“Really? You don’t mind? It’s all the way in Pasadena.”

“Yeah, well, it’s your birthday. Consider me your willing slave.”

Courtney threw her arms around his neck, kissing his face all over. “Thank you, thank you, thank you!”

“So...crisis averted?” Darienne asked.

“Yes,” Courtney sighed happily.

“Oh, thank god!” Adore breathed.

All smiles now, Courtney wiped her eyes and chirped, “We should get started on the gift bags!”

“Okay,” Darienne answered, “But we still need to finish the balloons, so why don’t you take Adore and Roy and I will finish outside?”

“Perfect!” Courtney grabbed Adore’s hand and pulled her into the dining room, which was loaded with party favors.

“Why do I have to do the balloons?” Roy whined.

“‘Cause you have the most hot air,” Darienne explained, shoving him towards the door.

Courtney sat down at the dining room table with a sigh. “Sorry about that. I just had this image of Kimmy driving on the freeway with the cake just like, flying around her backseat.” She shook her head. “I think I’m losing my mind.”

Adore smiled. “I think you need another present.” She pulled a black box labeled “2002” out of her bag and handed it over.

Courtney squealed and clapped her hands, pulling the lid off the box. Inside was a book she remembered well, a tearjerker by Lurlene McDaniel called “Six Months to Live,” with a note that read:

Remember how we were obsessed with all those books about the kids dying of cancer? We’re really fucked up, but at least we’re fucked up together. XO

Courtney giggled. “I still don’t know what that death obsession was all about.”

“It made sense for me, I’ve always been this moody emo bitch. But you...everyone thinks you’re all sunshine and rainbows, but I know on the inside... you’re really a sadistic weirdo,” Adore teased.

Courtney fluttered her lashes. “Well, there’s more to me than sunshine and rainbows, I guess.”

-

The snapping of Courtney opening and closing her phone was starting to irritate Kim, as she wrapped Courtney’s blonde tresses around the curler.

Once Roy had dropped off the food and cake (which, of course, had all survived the journey from Pasadena with no problems whatsoever), he and Darienne had left to go home and change so that, like all of the other guests, they could be dazzled by Courtney’s ensemble when she made her grand entrance.

Adore sat on Courtney’s bed, trying and failing to finish her own eyeliner in a compact mirror - she was supposed to be getting ready with her, and eventually doing her makeup, once Kim finished with her hair. Instead, she seemed to be getting distracted watching on as Courtney grew more anxious, gnawing on her bottom lip and flipping the phone open and closed faster and faster.

“Courtney, stop before you break it. Mom can’t afford to buy you a new one. Especially after today,” Kim said.

“Have you talked to Daddy? I texted him, but he didn’t reply,” Courtney looked in the mirror at her sister.

“Yeah, I did…” Kim nodded, knowing how important it was for their dad to be here. “He said he’d be a little late, but he’ll be here.”

“Ugh,” Courtney groaned throwing her head back, “Ow!” she yelped when the heat of the curlers stung her.

“Hold still or you’ll get burned,” Kim reprimanded.

Deciding that Courtney needed a distraction from her father’s absence, Adore climbed off the bed, “Courtney, guess what happened last night,” Adore said.

“What?”

“Well, I took your advice...”

“My advice?”

“Yeah, with Raja,” Adore nodded, leaning against the dresser.

“Who’s Raja?” Kim asked, running her fingers through Courtney’s curls.

“This really fucking gorgeous senior,” Adore grinned.

“And you two are…”

“Well, I was at her house last night to watch a movie.”

“Alone?” Courtney asked, fingernails digging into the palm of her hands.

Adore snorted, “I wish. I got to meet Raja’s other friends and they were a...welcoming group. Carmen hangs out with them too. You remember Carmen, right, Courtney? Roy’s ex.”

Courtney blinked up at Adore, “Yeah, I remember her. But you said you took my advice,” Courtney said, staring at her reflection in the mirror, wanting Adore to get to the point of the story.

Kim looked between the two girls recognizing the strain in her sister’s voice that Adore wasn’t paying any attention to.

“Oh, yeah. So, after the movie was over and everyone left. I thought about what you said and then started tripping over my words like an idiot, basically asking Raja if there was something between us or if it was in my head and…”

“And?” Courtney dug her fingernails harder into her palms, scooting to the edge of the chair as Kim tousled the curls on her head.

“Uh, I’m going to go get your tiara,” Kim squeezed Courtney’s shoulder before leaving the room.

Adore waited for Kim to leave before continuing, “Raja didn’t even let me finish talking before she walked over to me. It was kind of like in a movie when the person shuts the other person up with a kiss. I know it sounds cheesy, but it was fucking hot. Then we went to her car and made out for like an hour before she took me home.”

Courtney tried to keep her emotions from showing on her face as a lump formed in her throat. She didn’t understand why Adore making out with Raja bothered her so much, but she figured it had something to do with Raja’s better-than-you attitude.

She swallowed and managed to exclaim an enthusiastic, “That’s amazing Dory!”

Courtney stood up, wrapping her arms around Adore’s neck, pulling her into a hug.

“I told you. Sometimes you just have to make the first move,” she said, plastering a smile on her face.

“Yeah, well, you were right.” Adore pulled back, clearing her throat. “Which, I think deserves another present.”

Courtney giggled. “At the very least.”

Adore rolled her eyes and handed over a box with “2003” on it, which Courtney opened happily, pulling out a Magic Mountain keychain and the accompanying note.

Our trip to Magic Mountain at the end of 8th grade was important because I had two major realizations on that day. One, that I am a gigantic fucking wuss. And two, that you are a whore for danger and if we don’t watch you closely, you will willingly participate in your own death. So consider me part of an elite team keeping a close eye on your safety. Big brother is watching. It’s for your own good.

“Adore, roller coasters are fun,” Courtney defended.

“No dude, they are not. They are death traps and you are nuts.”

“You have to admit you had fun that day!”

“Uhhhh…”

“Come on! The chocolate dipped bananas?! And remember we wore our underwear outside our jeans like the ‘Slave 4 U’ video?”

Adore laughed. “Yeah, come to think of it, that’s even more disturbing that Goliath and Batman and Viper combined…”

-

Adore was finishing up Courtney’s makeup while Kim bustled around, trying to help Karen with the final setup and not strangle her demanding little sister.

“Kimmy, is my dress here?” Courtney whined.

“Yeah, do you want me to go get it?”

“Yeah, and is Tomas almost done setting up? I want the music to already be going when people come. Also, make sure all the food is good and covered and that everything’s already out there.”

Kimmy rolled her eyes, but stood up anyway. “Anything else, your highness?”

“Yeah, make sure the the ice hasn’t melted on the drinks. If so, dump the water out and put new ice in. Also tell the photographer that my right side is my best side, but also get shots of my left for variety.”

As Kim left the room, Adore put down the eyeshadow brush, looking into Courtney’s green eyes. “You’re being really extra right now.”

“I’m just trying to give her stuff to do so she leaves us alone…” Courtney said under her breath, and both girls giggled.

-

Courtney pulled nervously on her gloves and peeked through her bedroom curtains at the party guests trickling into her backyard. “Not that many people are here yet. I mean I know it’s early, but...my dad’s still not here.”

“But you knew he was gonna be late, right?” Adore asked, tightening the laces on the back of her dress and tying them into a bow.

“Yeah.”

“I was just out there. April and Dari are here, and Pearl. Roy’s here, of course, charming the pants off your family, really winning those future husband points like the brown noser he is.” Adore rolled her eyes. “He even remembered the pocket square that matches your dress. Speaking as a lesbian, straight people do the gayest shit ever.”

Courtney giggled.

“Come on. Ready to make your grand entrance?”

Courtney nodded, taking Adore’s hand and following her down the hall and to the back door where the guests were gathered.

“Alright, go ahead.”

Courtney took a deep breath as she gathered the glittery tulle of the fuchsia colored skirt in her hands, and Adore opened the door. One foot in front of the other, time seemed to slow down as she entered the backyard.

Roy’s eyes widened and a huge smile spread across his face as he watched Courtney walk into the backyard. She looked as if she had just stepped out the pages of a fairytale. The lights shined off of the rhinestoned bodice and her bare shoulders dusted with glitter, thanks to Adore. The tight corset made her waist look incredibly tiny against the fullness of the poofy layered skirt. Her blonde hair was curled, half up, the rest falling down her back as the rhinestone tiara was bobby pinned on top of her head. The silver tiara matched her necklace and the ring and bracelet layered over her gloves.  

Courtney couldn’t have been happier with everyone’s reaction; gasping and awwing as she twirled, so everyone could get a good look.

But, she could be happier. Courtney wished that her father could have been there to see her. Where was he? She shook her head slightly, blinking back tears, smiling at Roy.

“Wow, Courtney! You look beautiful,” Roy stepped forward, grabbing Courtney's hand.

“So freaking gorgeous!” Darienne practically squealed.

“Yes!” April added. “You look like a princess, lo apruebo.”

“Yeah, wow! You look amazing,” Pearl nodded.

“Thank you! Thank you so much.” Courtney played coy, accepting all the compliments with a bashful flutter of lashes.

“Yep, she was a bit of a fixer upper, but l worked my magic,” Adore joked, wrapping her arm around Courtney’s shoulders, placing a light kiss to her cheek.

“Dory,” Courtney pouted.

“Courtney,” at the sound of Muriel’s voice, Adore removed her arm from around Courtney, leaving her to deal with her grandmother on her own.

“Well, do you approve?” Karen asked, kissing her daughter on the forehead and gesturing to the set-up.

“Everything looks great. Thank you, Mommy.” Courtney smiled, then her brow furrowed. “Why is Jordan wearing navy blue?”

Karen turned to look at Courtney’s 9-year-old cousin, who was in fact wearing a navy blue polo shirt. “Oh, well, that looks dark, I’m sure Aunt Catherine thought it was black.”

“Well, it’s not, and it’s not semi-formal.” Courtney put her hands on her hips. “It’s going to ruin the pictures.”

“Courtney, honey, please relax, it’s night time, no one will be able to tell the difference…”

Courtney turned to Roy. “Does Eddy have a black or white button-down that Jordan could borrow? Or like a sweater? Something he wears for church?”

Roy saluted and pulled out his phone. “On it!”

“Roy, I really wish you wouldn’t indulge her!” Karen told him, pouring herself a glass of wine, muttering, “I will be fucking thrilled when this day is over.”

“Happy birthday, Courtney!” screamed Laganja, bursting into the backyard and racing over to hug her. “Omigod, you look like a Disney princess. Spin around!”

“Yaaaaaaas!” Gia crowed. “Come on, let’s dance!”

Adore sighed in relief that the cheerleaders had arrived. Even though they weren’t her favorite people, maybe having more party guests would cause Courtney to relax and have some fun. If she was dancing, she wouldn’t be stressing out about dress codes and her father being late.

It only took a song and a half before it appeared that was just the trick. The kids were all having a blast on the dance floor while the adults chatted and enjoyed the hors d'oeuvres over by the tables.

Pearl nudged Adore on the shoulder, who turned just in time to see Bob bend down and kiss April softly on the lips.

“Awwww...gross,” Adore commented, causing Pearl to laugh. Then when Alyssa appeared, Adore groaned softly.

“What?” asked Pearl.

“No, it’s just...Alyssa’s dress has red trim.”

“So?” Pearl looked mystified.

“Courtney’s been freaking out when people deviate from the black and white dress code.”

Pearl laughed. “It’s like, one little flower on the waistband. I think it’ll be fine.”

“Who knew Cheerleader was such a diva?” asked Willam.

Adore gave him a Look. “Only those of us who have been around for more than one birthday.”

“You have pink shoes,” Pearl pointed out.

“These were assigned to me. I think I’m like the maid of honor or something. Darienne has pink gloves. Roy’s got that pocket square.”

“This party is so gay,” Willam laughed.

“I know, right? Be right back. I’m gonna go ask the DJ to play some Britney.”

“And you judge me for Madonna?! You’re a garbage person!” Pearl called after her.

After the current song ended, Tomas announced, “We’ve got a special request for some Britney circa 2004, and this song happens to be on the Birthday Girl’s list of pre-approved songs, so...here we go…”

Courtney squealed happily when “Toxic” began to play, and Adore made her way through the crowded dance floor to hand her the “2004” present, a Britney t-shirt…

So last year, you got a pretty fucking cool birthday present, that karaoke machine, and we spent about a month singing Britney songs non-stop. For the record, I’m not opposed to breaking it out again tonight.

Courtney gave Adore a hug. “Good to know,” she told her.

“Are you okay?” Adore asked, sensing that her mood was dipping a little.

“I just...he’s still not here. We’re about to serve dinner and I wanted to play the video while people ate, and I really wanted him to see it. And…” Courtney swallowed. “I guess it doesn’t matter. I mean, I can always show him later, right?”

“Yeah, exactly!” Adore kissed her on the forehead. “Play it now and put me out of my misery. The sooner we get that Spice Girls shit over with, the better.”

Courtney giggled. “You got it, Scary.”

“Ugh. I’m never gonna hear the end of this,” Adore groaned, looking over at Pearl and Willam, knowing they were going to torture her forever once they saw that video.

[aforgottenballad]

Feelings on Sally Face Episode 5

Under a read more for obvious reasons, includes heavy spoilers and potentially triggering subjects. 

Disclaimer: I might miss-remember some parts of the story or have missed a piece of lore that would settle minor complaints. I am however disappointed in the ending as a whole and in some of the very harmful tropes included in it. But I’m also just some dude online with an opinion, and you can stop reading at any time. 

Rant under cut. 

Alright ya’ll. I’ve had a couple days to digest the ending to Sally Face.  While playing, I genuinely enjoyed some elements of the game. The chapter started on a dark but nearly hopeful note. Neil and Ash were still working to bring the cult down. It seemed likely Sal would be resurrected. Todd had apparently escaped the hospital, and that had potential to be either a very very good or very very bad thing. Maple was possessed by whatever fucked up the souls of the other apartment tenants, but hey! At least her and Neil weren’t in on the cult like so many fans predicted. Unfortunately, this series has a way of getting darker and darker as it progresses.  First thing that bugged me was the lore drop about how the cult was founded.  A Native American tribe. Right. Because why wouldn’t Indigenous peoples be in a story without being part of some mystical occult backstory, portrayed as mysterious historical props who worshiped something dark and evil instead of being portrayed as human beings. 

But I continued. I really enjoyed playing as Ashley and getting some insight into her character. I enjoyed the task of planting the C4 in the temple... catacomb... thing. We get to see Travis again! I was excited that a lot of us were right about him being indoctrinated but also working to fight the cult from the inside. We knew he had some good in him after all. 

When Ash tries to resurrect Sal, we get even more insight into her character, and unfortunately a lot of it is “Grieving, distraught, and full of self-blame”. I want to hug her.  Sal’s spirit is apparently revived by those pyramids, and he can dimension warp. We meet Jim, or what’s left of him, and he doesn’t give a fuck about anything anymore but agrees to help Sal anyway. This is, narratively speaking, weird as hell. His entire character arc for four episodes was “Loved his family so much he sacrificed himself to save them”, and suddenly he’s just some glowy dude attached to Magic Spirit Tubes who doesn’t give half a shit. I guess it makes sense as a way to wrap up why he’s been able to drift between worlds but... if he doesn’t care about any of that anymore why help Sal? And what about Rosenberg? Is she like Jim, or do we just have to assume she’s magical because her family helped found the cult? (Explained in an easter egg later on, because this game doesn’t just drop its lore. Not even the CRUCIAL lore. You have to achievement hunt for it.) Sal can enter various doors in the House In The Void to step into alternate realities, and this was my favorite aspect of the game. Each door has a different art style, and I really liked seeing these alternate realities. Steve probably worked the hardest and longest on drawing out and coding these scenes. I genuinely applaud the man for the work put into this endeavor I’m assuming all by himself. 

Meanwhile, Ash tries to unbind Larry’s soul from the tree house he died in, which doesn’t work. Did we ever find out why his body was never found? No? Ok that seems important.

After each puzzle, Sal’s body is restored a little bit at a time, but even after turning on all the pyramids and solving the mysteries behind all three doors, he can’t make it back to the “real” world. So Ashley kills herself. Or tries to. Because apparently that’s the only way to complete the ritual, and also because she feels really bad about not unbinding Larry’s soul and about not fixing Sal. Again, I want to hug her, but I have to watch her hurt herself instead, cause Steve doesn’t let us have nice things.

Okay, so this is a gorey game. We know. But one of the BIGGEST no-nos suicide prevention networks will tell you when consulting them about mental illness and suicide in media is NOT to show a graphic suicide in progress. Steve is aware a lot of his fans are A) Young teens to young adults B) Struggling with mental illness. 

His main character suffers from depression and anxiety and this fact has resonated with hundreds of fans. It’s irresponsible to purposefully include a graphic suicide attempt, but he did it last chapter, showing a gunshot suicide’s aftermath, then he did it again with Ashley. Call me a wiener if you like, point out the graphic scenes from earlier in the game and call me a hypocrite for not being upset by that, but you have to admit the Spongebob-close-up-shot look to those scenes have a totally different feel. Speaking as someone who actually has a pretty thick skin, but is concerned about the fans who might be in a worse place or who could be as young as 12, that was fucked up. 

Anyway, Ash’s attempt doesn’t take, because she’s struck by magic lightning, which infuses Sal’s soul into her. Now her arm is one of those stretchy sticky hands, but with bio luminescence and the ability to kick cultist ass. I actually thought this part was really cool, and was super ready to go on a cultist smacking spree. But again, we can’t have nice things and before we get to do anything badass we have to look at gruesome imagery again. 

You get to see Void Larry, who is now old and a wizard or something, but first...

Surprise! Maple and Neil are dead! Not just dead, but hung up from hooks covered in blood! And naked! 

Hey?? Hey Steve????? You know how they’re both POC?? And that lynching imagery is EXTREMELY NOT GOOD?!!????

“Two white people are hung up with them” YEAH? WELL WE’VE NEVER SEEN THOSE CHARACTERS BEFORE. THEY’RE JUST RANDOM PEOPLE.

I’ve seen people arguing “The white characters go through terrible things too” but it’s still really fucked up that by the end of the game, every. Single. Person of color. In the game. Has died. Gruesomely. It’s a gorey, dark, bleak game, and white characters die as well, gruesomely; but not all of them. None of them that are named are shown strung up, naked. That’s fucked up. That isn’t okay. 

There are also a total of three gay characters in this game. One is Todd, who goes through the standard “bad bad stuff” the game is used to, is the white one, and he survives. One is Neil, one of the aforementioned people of color who died horribly and who only really existed to be Todd’s boyfriend and therefore a source of angst for Todd when he dies. The third is Travis, another man of color, and an abuse victim, who dies to fulfill his character arc as an abuse victim, which is also really shitty to see over and over again as an abuse survivor. 

Look, I know Steve pulled a lot of inspiration from old TV shows and horror series that probably weren’t all “politically correct”. I know it’s always been kind of an edgy and dark game. I know Steve probably didn’t think about the repercussions of all his narrative choices. But I also know he actively ignored some people offering to educate him on issues he has no experience with. I know he worked hard on this game, by himself, but we as fans have paid him and waited for years and it isn’t selfish or ungrateful to be hurt and disappointed. He knows his audience is diverse, he knows a lot of us were attracted to the game because of a gender nonconforming main character, a main character who struggles with mental illness, a cast that isn’t 100% white and conventionally attractive. Of course he didn’t need to change the plot for us! It’s his game, his vision, but the least he could have done is research how to not actively hurt and alienate a good portion of us.  I don’t think anyone is bad or racist for still finding solace in the characters and in what the story was before this, I’m not attacking you personally, whoever is reading this. I, personally, still have loads of Sally Face art in my queue, I still have active role plays going on, my Sal wig is sitting like 8 feet away waiting for the next time my friends want to take cosplay pictures. I still enjoyed playing the game for the most part. Without this game I wouldn’t even know most of my current friends. It’s just really shitty how it ended like this, and a lot of people I talk to daily either feel too sick to even talk about the game anymore after seeing people like them treated like trash by the narrative or try to focus on the good things they got out of just being part of the fandom but don’t feel comfortable supporting the developer anymore. 

Even if there wasn’t all these hurtful tropes packed into the game, and yes, even after unlocking the epilogue, the game just feels cold. It feels rushed, probably because of how much time went into the alternate dimension gimmick. I wish Steve had at least consulted people over the script. It felt like not only did he pour all his work into experimenting with the mixed media, he also just took whatever expectations the fans had and went somewhere completely different just to have his story be “unpredictable”. That isn’t always a good thing. Plot twists, downer endings, dark and scary imagery, all of these things can be done beautifully, but in this case it felt like he just wanted the series to end. The game didn’t subvert expectations, it fed into the harmful stereotypes and tropes all the fans were so hopeful it wouldn’t. 

...On top of not making any sense unless you’re able to 100% all the puzzles. And even when you do, it feels like all the bad stuff happened for no reason. The ending doesn’t conclude anything. Even when you unlock the epilogue, all it tells you is that a third of the world has died and that the main cast haven’t accomplished much besides “Trying to help”. Sal and Todd have powers now, but that isn’t elaborated on much. Larry’s spirit is missing, if he even exists in any plane at all anymore. It doesn’t even mention what’s going on with Ash.  It just feels like nothing mattered. 

[steve0discusses]

Yugioh S4 Ep 14 Pt1: Rex and Weevils Ultimate Betrayal No One Gave a Damn About

Just finished watching the Superbowl, which I never ever do, and it was VERY confusing and I thought I remembered this sport but I did not. I don’t know what’s happening. I do not understand how Kansas City got that field goal on San Fransisco when their feet never touched the goal line. So, I’m just gonna...change gears completely and wrap up this long post about a VERY complicated anime that came out before some of y’all were born, instead. Today I just really wanted to feel lost.

Last episode, Yugi (the main character of the show, the one this show is named after) hella died, and Rex and Weevil decided to leave the party very, very quickly.

You’d think that the one event (Yugi’s dead) would have to do with the other event (getting the hellllll away), considering how rude and judgy Yami is, but they actually left for cards. They accidentally did a very wise decision in order to do something incredibly stupid and cancel out any wisdom they showed in pedaling as fast as they could possibly pedal away from the reincarnated ghost who just very suddenly achieved full control of a human body.

They accidentally pedaled away from every Mummy movie super villain and somehow ended up with a much more worse villain.

Like I say that this whole season is about Yugi’s crazy commute, but Rex and Weevil’s commute has just been so much more. They are just clinging to whatever vehicle is near them in order to find these legendary cards sitting somewhere in American Soil. They are so ambivalent to all the very real world terrible problems around them because they’re PRETTY SURE they’re gonna get rich. It’s like the Gold Rush but with helicopters.

Also the 49ers never rode tandem bikes, but you know they would’ve if they could’ve.

And for some, weird reason, Rafeal decides not to pick them up under his arms and toss them directly onto an unsuspecting Joey Wheeler like he just did with Yugi. Rafael and Alister decided...nah...I’ll keep these strange small manchildren.

It seems really off brand for Rafael and Alister but maybe they just got too tired to deal with it right now.

Speaking of tired--this horse.

I mean I’ll do the math eventually--not this post but maybe the next one I just did a lot of math trying to remember why the hell it’s 6 points for a goal in football--but this horse that we estimated would take over 20 days to ride to Death Valley just rode all the way back in the same day. Congratulations horse, the strongest force in all of Yugioh, (second to Yugi’s neck, holding that 70 lb necklace at all hours of the day.)

The girls seem to think that everything is OK initially, mostly because Yugi doesn’t really lose games that often, since the list of ways to beat Yugi in a card game up until now didn’t include “trick Yami into murdering the hell out of Yugi Muto.” Crazy that that actually worked, but Yami isn’t that bright.

PS please admire how chubby this horse appears in this scene.

OK I’m glad we all acknowledged the elephant in the room that was a horse last shot.

Also...maybe he didn’t hug her back because she just shoved a very sharp pyramid necklace straight into his small intestines?

(more under the cut)

I’ll spare you Transatlantacism this time.

Tea is concerned but more surprised than straight up angry. An anger which is more honed by Rebecca because Yami just killed her only friend (other than this horse) and possibly her only future husband that would ever put up with her (other than this horse.)

Like it seems kind of rude in the show out of context that everyone took a moment to lay a big dump on Yami Muto, but can you imagine if you straight up killed your twin (by accident but only by like 75% accident, lets be real) and this was your only punishment?

Like getting punched out is just how Yami treats himself every single day, so I don’t think Joey made too much of a difference in the situation. But you know, it’s Yugioh, so getting punched does is somehow the correct answer.

It was very lucky for Yami that Tea was too busy trying to console Rebecca to punch Yami before Joey got to him first because hot damn that would have sent him straight back to Death Valley.

And then I think this next exchange between Duke and Tristan was somewhat lost in translation. Please admire the censorship here. Safe for kids now.

I say this like a joke but have you seen Equinox? I live in the Bay, so trust me. Equinox is absolutely reviving the Great Leviathan. No doubt in my mind.

Anyway, Rafael and Alister hear Rex and Weevil’s plea to join the evil task force and they’re like...

...yeah, I guess you can apply, why not? No need to interview your or anything before we harass Darts with you.

Like Rafael and Alister were completely bonkers children that were driven to insanity by very extreme circumstances, and then there’s Rex and Weevil. They’re just...kind of middling at cards and that’s it.

But sure, yeah, I’m sure they’ll fit right into the completely maniacal card corporate atmosphere here at DartsCorp. I’m sure Rex and Weevil will jump out of a plane on a motorcycle and then do stunts all the way towards Atlantis Island.

Sure.

(course, now that I think of it, they did introduce themselves to Alister and Rafael by accidentally doing a stunt over a canyon onto a helicopter so...maybe they accidentally think Rex and Weevil are cool?)

Which, in hindsight, makes Mai make a hell of a lot more sense because y’all, they should be SO distracted right now, and shouldn’t let anyone in here who isn’t insane or insanely good at cards. But instead they’re like...I guess you have a duel disk, you’ll work. It’s not like there’s a line of people at the door.

Anyway, because the show has to acknowledge that there might be new viewers, they do their best to try and explain this very lengthy Yugi mechanic as if we’ve never heard it before and honestly, it just sounded like everyone was very frustrated.

Like for reals what is he wearing?

Why are there so few normal ass suits in Yugioh? Why is KAIBA the only person who knows what colors belong on a fitted suit? (And he just wears white, which isn’t a color and is always very safe but youknow it still boggles my mind that the power suit people are so into very friendly soft pastels from Gozaburo, to Pegasus, to Noah, to Darts.)

I would wear this suit to Easter Sunday. Darts just wears it every day.

And so then we get a little insight into what it takes to become an Orichalcos card champion.

While before, Darts just kinda poked Mai in the forehead and she was instantly imbued with Aqua Green Evilness, he decided to do a weird test on Rex and Weevil. Just to make sure they realllllly wanted to be here.

As if they didn’t stow away in a 18 hour flight stuffed into a handbag, hold in their piss for said 18 hours, then get shipped by accident to the Tenderloin, where they were mugged twice, and then get shoved into the trunk of Duke’s car, and then took a broken tandem bike to the hottest desert in America, where they then rode said bike off of a cliff in order to hang onto a flying helicopter.

Like I think this test was unnecessary, I think they want to be here.

But youknow, I think Darts just wanted to torture em for kicks.

And then Rex and Weevil have to grab two of these Oricalchos stones that were farting special effects and were very, very opposed to being owned by Rex and Weevil. But they managed to do it.

And uh congrats--their betrayal has begun!

And I don’t think anyone else on this show even recognized that they freakin left. Like they just kinda disappeared in Death Valley and then Duke was like “eh. They’ll find their way home.”

Kind of incredible that Joey and friends left these two stranded in Death Valley, That alone should have killed Rex and Weevil and like...Wow. Wow is Joey and co such a freakin asshole.

So don’t leave people stranded in Death Valley, they will join a card cult and freakin kill you. If the insane heat doesn’t kill them first.

And then because...I don’t know...I don’t know why, after sending his best and brightest fighters, Darts decided to downgrade and do this:

(based on a true story where a friend of mine worked as an intern in the city, and because they couldn’t pay him a living wage, he lived in a closet at said startup for nearly 2 years. Start-up culture is pretty real, folks, it’s PRETTY REAL. But, on the bright side, at least they had a shower in-house.)

So, I’m gonna go remove my contacts and try to forget how much queso I ate at that Superbowl party.

It was a lot of queso.

and if you just got here, this is a handy link to read these from the start.

PS anyone else pull the Yugioh fest in PAD? Because I have played this game...a lot over the course of 5 years and saved up over 300 free stones for several months in anticipation for this collab and then I pulled Kuriboh about 15 times. Most of you have no idea what that means, but for some of you out there, your heart just broke for me 15 times. (I did get 2 Yugis so I’m fine, but damn it) Then, bro saved up his stones and pulled Seto Kaiba, Marik, and Bakura all in a row. Freakin gotcha games, man. Freakin gotcha games.

[headoverhiddles]

Mephistopheles of Los Angeles - Marilyn Manson x Reader [Smut] (Part II)

Synopsis: After the kiss, it’s impossible to avoid the press. But behind closed doors, there’s no reason to deny that you two have a connection. AKA Marilyn invites you and Johnny over to his place for a night of fun. 

Notes: Third and final part coming soon! Also, I love comments :) 

PART I

PART III

You sit up by your window, watching the pool glisten. You can't come out and say anything-- he was probably drunk. But, you two did have that magnificent conversation before the drinks came around... there was definitely a connection there.

As if you two shared a mind, just as you're about to pick up the phone to call Johnny, his ID shows up on your screen.

"Hey," you say.

"Morning, sunshine," he says, his voice cracking from an obvious hangover, "Beautiful day, isn't it?"

You groan, sliding the curtains shut and blocking out the sun. He laughs.

"Hey, what if--" Just then, someone else starts to call through. It's an unknown number. You really shouldn't answer, you being who you are... but there's a glimmer of misplaced hope inside you, leftover from last night maybe.

"I'll call you back, kay?" you mumble, and swipe on the call. "Yeah?"

"Hey." It's him, deep, gravelly voice and all.

"Hey." You pull your feet up to your chest. "What's going on?"

"I was hoping-- I got your number from Depp by the way, so I'm not a stalker-- that you guys'd come over to my place, like, tomorrow night. Night before your premiere. We could celebrate properly."

"Sounds great," you smile. "How are you not hungover?"

"I am, I'm just a good faker." He pauses. "It felt good to unwind with you last night. I... appreciate company like yours. I also appreciate that that was the sexiest kiss I've had in like, ten years." That's all he says, then he hangs up. Sober, he's a very somber person... but his drunk side shines through every now and then it seems. Smirking, you stand, and start to think about a shower. Johnny will probably be getting a call next.

-

The next night, the three of you are situated in Marilyn's living room, the thermostat set to cool air and a low soundtrack of David Bowie floating in the background.

"Cherry. Blood red. So we can pretend we're vampires." A pyramid of jello boxes sit on his counter top, three bottles of Absinthe that would be used instead of water.

"We basically are," Johnny comments idly, watching a fly crawl along the counter.

"Or, or we can pretend we're eating flesh," Marilyn continues, shaking one packet out into the bowl, "Absinthe and flesh. Or we can pretend (y/n) is menstruating, and--"

Both you and Johnny groan loud enough to drown out the rock star's ravings, and finally he concedes, adding the absinthe (mostly) silently. Ultimately however, Johnny is unable to restrain himself from pitching in. "Who would want to eat a woman out on her period though?"

"You'd be surprised," you answer that one, swinging your legs over Marilyn's velvet couch.

"I wouldn't mind it," Marilyn offered, licking the cherry goop off his tattooed fingers, "If I was like, an actual vampire."

This sets Johnny off again, and as he's laughing, you saunter up to Marilyn, wrapping your arms around him from behind.

"And what if you weren't a vampire?"

"You mean if I didn't need to stick my tongue in a reservoir of ovum littered blood?"

"Yes."

"Well, I know girls get aroused on their period, because their hormones are raging. So if my girl was horny as fuck for me on her period and wanted me to eat her pussy, I mean, I wouldn't say no."

You pat his cheek. "A true gentleman."

"I've always wondered this-- when you fuck a girl on her period and she cums, is it like a dam of blood breaking?"

"What, like the parting of the red sea?" Johnny frowns. Marilyn considers this.

"More like... Titanic, but... the Titanic is your dick."

"Completely false," you say, and both guys look over to you, legitimately interested. "It's the opposite. At least for me. The blood stops for a bit, then... comes back with a vengeance once all your wetness has returned from whence it came."

"Very interesting, love," Johnny says, getting up and pouring himself another drink.

"I love being educated in the vaginal arts," Marilyn says, making obscene slurping noises as he licks the rest of his fingers clean.

As the night wears on the three of you (plus Lily) put down bottle after bottle, smoke a couple of joints, and finish the red coagulated creation. Once two AM hits, the conversation deepens, and the guitar breaks out.

"It's gonna be hell for you answering questions about those pictures this weekend, (y/n)," Johnny says, strumming the acoustic instrument.

"I know. The questions I get are so dumb, I've already had a billion asking about you and me and if we're dating. Just because two people play love interests--"

"And have fabulous onscreen chemistry," Johnny adds.

"Yes, doesn't mean we should get... shipped!" Angrily, you exhale a cloud of smoke, the joint hanging lazily between your fingers.

"It's because the media's bullshit consists of asking why male artists do what they do, and asking female artists why they fuck who they fuck," Marilyn mutters candidly, stealing the joint.

"Load of crap," Johnny nods, playing a riff of The Beautiful People.

"I like you... though," Marilyn mumbles, glancing your way.

"I like you too," you blink.

"I would've fucked you y'know... if the paparazzi weren't such cockblocking motherfuckers..."

"I know. When it comes to the press though, we've gotta make it look like an accident if they did get pictures."

"Which they did," Johnny nodded, "I already saw one this morning titled "Chateau Marmont's Wild Nightlife: Johnny Depp blazes one while rising co-star and shock-rocker best friend get 'cheeky' in the bushes." Now we've got not only rumours about you and me to deal with but you and this fuck." This makes Marilyn laugh.

"I'm just known as the best friend now? Wow." He touches his wow tattoo, holding it up.

"You're faded, man."

"Faded, faithful, and fuckin' fatal."

"They make me look like a fucking stoner now, so I'm not much better."

"You are a fucking stoner."

"I'm Jack Sparrow, mate."

"You're a fucking stoner."

You just roll your eyes as they bicker. You remember what your agent told you-- if it's not purposefully publicized, it's messy, and messy doesn't sell. Guess that's what it's like in the Hollywood dating pool.

"Nah, but of course we've gotta deny all of it," Marilyn sighs. "It would blow up your career in a not-good way cause they'd say this young, impressionable starlet is dating a satanist, or whatever they call me, and I don't really feel like answering a billion stupid questions about you either at this point, not when I'm trying to promote my record. They're going crazy over this cause you're so popular right now, (y/n). It'll be all over People and the internet and shit."

"Covering personal shit is the worst part of this job," Johnny mutters. "Unless it's a story about smuggling cocaine into the Pirates premiere."

"Wasn't that at Disneyland?" you frown.

Marilyn and Johnny both nod noncommittally.

"Worth it," Johnny says, holding his guitar with one hand and flicking a piece of the blood red Jell-O onto the ceiling with a spoon.

"Clean that up," Marilyn grins.

"Lick it off, mate," Johnny laughs. It suddenly falls, and with a jiggle, lands between your breasts. You yelp as it splatters into your cleavage, and the two men fall to the floor laughing.

"Mmmmhmmhmm," Marilyn smiles, crawling over to you on his hands and knees with tipsy half-lidded eyes, "I think I will lick it off." He straddles you on the armchair, one leg on either side, and puts his face into your tits, his tongue sweeping deep licks between, up, down, ugh...

"Fuck, you're making me horny," you whisper. Johnny giggles, standing and snatching a small bag and heading up to Marilyn's pool patio with his guitar.  

"See you two in the morning."

"Don't drown," you call up.

"I don't want to have to clean up your chlorine bloated corpse in the morning," Marilyn adds.

"I will leave you the sexiest corpse you could possibly imagine, brother," Johnny calls back down, stumbling up the stairs. You and Marilyn turn your attention back to one another.

"Your tits taste good," he comments, eyes flickering lazily back down to them.

"My pussy tastes even better," you grin, taking his hand and sliding it down between your legs. He rubs it against you, and comes up with slick fingers.

"Bedroom."

His bed is covered in black silk sheets, a satin cover blanketed overtop of them. Messy piles of books and records litter the floor, and creepy artefacts you wouldn't want to see with a light on surround everything on bookshelves.

"You have blacklights?" you ask, looking around the dark, mysterious room.

"To admire the cum shots on the ceiling," he clarifies.

"Oh, is that all?"

"--But I don't like to call it cum, I like to call it... making wet in you," he giggles.

"Mmm, make wet in me?"

"I would love to make wet in you."

Before you can say anything else, he grabs you by the hips, shoving you forward onto the bed. You land on your stomach, and he stands behind you as you turn your head.

"Take your panties off," he says in a low, level voice, as if he had sobered up in seconds. You feel your bratty side coming out.

"What if I don't?"

He lifts his chin up, looking like a king. "Get on your hands and knees... arch your back and present your ass for me. It's a really pretty ass, I just wanna look at it. Promise."

You do so, and wait in the darkness. After a second, you feel his tongue dart out, licking a stripe up your panties from behind. Then he smacks your ass hard. "Ohgod," you whisper, and he smiles.

"You look so good like this." You flip over, and crawl up to the headboard, hanging on. "Why don't you spread your legs for daddy?"

"Why don't you spread them for me, daddy? I'm a little bit tired."

"Lazy little bitch," he mumbles, sliding his hand between your legs. It rests on your knee, then you feel the pressure of him parting your thighs. He rolls over on top of you, and for a moment, you think he's going to instigate a kiss. You part your lips, waiting for him. Instead, he slides down like a snake between those parted thighs and hooks his fingers into your panties.

"Just lick around them," you smirk, biting your lip.

"Uh, uh. I want to enjoy my meal," he drawls, and pulls them off down to your ankle.

"Eat my pussy good, baby."

"Oh, I plan to."

"Gonna fuck me after that?"

"You know I am, kitten."

He delves between your folds again, making low noises. His hands reach up to grope and grab at whatever they can; your hips, your breasts, your inner thighs. After a moment, you gasp as he slips two fingers into you, then three, fucking you rough with them.

"That's--" You gasp, grinding into his face, "That's so good..."

He hums, the vibration of his lips against your clit driving you wild.

"How fuckin' close are you?" he hisses.

"So fucking close," you whine.

"Cum for me. Make wet... in my face."

"God, you're gonna ruin my ladyboner by saying shit like that!"

A few more masterful circles of his tongue however, and you do cum, gripping the boards for dear life.

"Grab my--" he murmurs, "Grab my hair, love it when it's-- oh, tugged--"

Your hands fly to his hair, and you tug the short black locks as he fucks you with his tongue through your orgasm. Giving you a moment to breathe, he flashes his dark glare up between your legs, eyes shining almost demonically in the dark.

"Fuck me, Brian," you breathe. He crawls up on top of you, holding you by your shoulders as he guides his dick between your legs. When he finally pushes in, he gives a grunt as you moan, wrapping your legs around his ass.

"So fucking good," he groans, and you bite into his shoulder.

"Ohhh yeah, oh yeah," you moan, and he suddenly pulls out.

"Back on your hands and knees, kitten." You obey this time, fucked out but wanting more. He smacks your ass again, and you moan, wiggling back. He spanks you again, and again, and you bite your fist. "Nah, nah," he whispers, "I wanna hear you. Get fuckin' loud, scream it out."

You very nearly scream as he spanks you again, and presses soft kisses up your back, turning into hickies by the top between your shoulder blades.

"Wanna ride you," you breathe. Wordlessly, he lays down, and you roll over top of him, getting into reverse cowgirl position. With another gasp, you sink down over his big cock, and roll your hips.

"That's good," he groans, "Fuckkkk yeah, that's good."

"Daddy, daddy--" you gasp.

"Daddy's gonna make you cum," he whispers, reaching up and around to squeeze your breast. He sits up, so that his chest is pressed to your back, and the angle makes you moan even louder. "I gotchu," he whispers in your ear, "I gotchu, I gotchu, gonna take real good care of you... cause you're takin real good care of me..."

You nearly sob as you reach back and grab his hair, and he sinks his teeth into your shoulder as you had done with him. You feel a bit of blood drip, and cum hard. Marilyn increases his pace as he feels you gush around his cock, pounding you harder than ever. Skin slaps against skin as he fucks you on his lap, and your orgasm keeps burning through you as he mumbles growled-out words of praise.

When you finally come back down to earth, he's pressing kisses to the bite mark, which felt good in the moment, but stings like hell now.

"Guess you're a real fucking vampire, Manson," you giggle. He nuzzles his nose into your neck, laughing.

[spookyspaghettisundae]

Out of Control

The world passed by in a blur. Trees sped along outside the windows of the car. The engine roared like a dragon and the vehicle’s driver felt an unnatural fuel and fire in her veins.

A blood-red rising sun reflected off of her shades, glossy and shiny and marred only by a tiny crack on the left lens of her sunglasses. Clad in little leather racing gloves, Emily’s hands gripped the steering wheel like iron vices.

Something about the hum and the vibrations and the constant growl of the machine kept her calm. She loved the feeling of sheer speed, slicing through the world like a knife; and appreciated that sense of escape from reality that it always gave her.

Now, more than ever, she needed that calm, that sensation of riding the eye of the storm—that escape. Because she was going to see Julian’s killer in person and it was going to take everything out of her to not lose her mind.

Was it the gravity of fast motion, pushing her back into her seat that helped center her? Was it the threat of deadly accidents that freed her mind from every burdening thought and worry? Or was it because she felt both in control and dangerous whenever she drove too fast?

Emily wondered, but refused to answer her own questions.

She maintained a speed just a few miles per hour above the legal limit. Just enough to make good time on her ride to Starkford Penitentiary, and just enough to try to talk her way out of trouble if a cop pulled her over.

Thoughts surfaced. Thoughts about Kathryn Shaw. Emily tried to push them back down because they only made every one of her digits tense up more—the leather of her gloves cracked as her grip around the steering wheel tightened.

Any efforts to dispel the thoughts all failed. The image search on Shaw haunted Emily. Kathryn Shaw was just some forgettable D-list celebrity and the spectrum of her headshots ranged from pretty young lady all the way to monstrosity who had gone under the knife of plastic surgery too often for her own good. Murdering Julian Stone would probably be her biggest legacy, overshadowing her pathetic acting career and her quest for the perfect face.

This only fed the tension building in every fiber of Emily’s being, because Shaw’s obsession with her own beauty was what had killed Julian.

But was it just tension? Or pure anger welling up inside? The engine’s growls grounded Emily for a brief glimpse, allowing her to notice just how obscenely fast she was going now, and she eased up on her leadfoot for a bit. Every thought of Kathryn Shaw just poured more gasoline onto the flames of Emily’s fury.

As you know, every time you pour fuel into the flames, you run risk of the fire igniting the stream, traveling back up its length and blowing the canister up in your hands. That exact image entered Emily’s mind and made her crave another cigarette. It hadn’t even been five minutes since the last one.

No matter.

She rolled down the window on her old Charger and lit up her smoke. Swore up a storm as a chunk of tobacco got stuck on the car’s internal lighter and fumed out of the slot when she returned it. Instead of pulling over to fix this like a sane person, Emily took her eyes off the road and tapped the lighter outside her car door.

When she looked up, the honking of a horn ripped her right back into the reality of her current whereabouts and she reacted just in time, swerving back onto her lane of the road. The honking persisted, blaring and trailing off as the other car traveled down the opposite lane, expressing what she considered to be a petty anger when compared to her own.

Emily flipped the other driver the bird and took a long, greedy drag from her cigarette to cool off.

She always found it strange how little such near-death experiences like this never really fazed her. Some part of her was always prepared to die. Hell, the other part of her was already dead.

All the nights she had spent alone ever since Julian’s death, looking out over the nightly skyline of L.A., she had gone through every single stage—from wanting to die, over not seeing a purpose in life anymore, to wanting someone to pay, and ending up with a fire flaring up deep down inside of her, fueled by her darkest thoughts and fantasies. A fire that made her swear more than she ever used to; a fire that motivated her and would drive her to ever greater heights in her career.

Telling the truth, no matter how much it hurt. Exposing lies and toppling the liars. Bringing down all those awful pyramids of deception, tearing down the walls of filth built by the life-thieves and the soul-violators. Destroying the machinery of oppression fabricated by the real monsters of this world.

Her thoughts spiraled. The moment she realized she was thinking about her quest for truth and revealing the darkness to the world, no sooner did she remember that Shaw was to blame for her current anger. Emily had always been angry with the world: corrupt politicians feeding their fat faces, greedy psychopaths running the business world, and selfish assholes walking all over the downtrodden were everywhere. They didn’t even lurk in the shadows—no, the ghouls just lived in our very midst, normalizing their wicked ways and turning people jaded to the point of not caring anymore.

Every time she blinked, another six such shit-sticks just sprung into existence somewhere else.

While smoking cooled her down, it couldn’t put a lid on the boiling pot of rage bubbling in her belly region.

The whole ordeal of this prison visit alone would have been enough to make her mad, just thinking about it.

Short visiting hours. She had had to make an appointment over a month in advance. Fill out huge forms and provide copies of all sorts of personal documents. Wait for approval. Get all sorts of instructions on what she was allowed to wear or not: no orange, no underwire bra, no yoga pants, no sleeveless shirts, no open toes.

Luckily, her childhood friend Carlos had warned her about all this from his short stint in working at a different prison in the past. They might have just turned her away the moment she showed up if she didn’t meet all of their ridiculous requirements, and put her through the whole rigmarole of applying all over again.

All of this just to schedule a conversation—with her fiancé’s murderer.

Emily snorted, blowing smoke out of her nostrils. She flicked on the radio. An effective distraction would be great, any time now.

An overconfident voice actor spoke, “Enjoy a flat white at a price that’s easier to swallow from the—”

Raspy voice, trained in feigning gravitas, said, “Most of the things I do are misunderstood. Hey, after all, being misunderstood is the fate of all true—”

A dulcet male voice sang, “I’m gonna kick my feet up and stare at the fan, turn the TV on, throw my hand in my pants—”

Annoying advertising. Annoying talking. Annoying pop music. She kept poking the device to switch the channels. At the very least, she could direct her anger at the shallow superficiality of the world of radio entertainment, letting the heat die down somewhat and reducing the boiling of her blood to a low simmer. She avoided any news. News would just add to her anger.

The sunglasses shielded her eyes from the blinding light of the morning sun, still low on the horizon over the woods lining the road.

More smoking, idly ignoring all the chatter and music from the radio, and sitting on the lid to the pot of rage inside of her. Another two hours of driving flew by. The landscape around her transformed along the way, with her Charger exiting the lines of trees and darting over the long roads in the hills, in the middle of nowhere.

Like blacking out, she sighed when she seemingly came to her senses in the lobby where visitors could wait.

The anger was back.

The stupid card machine kept spitting out her dollar bills while she attempted to charge it with money. After the sixth attempt and growing increasingly anxious about the guy breathing down her neck behind her, Emily slapped the top of the device three times.

One of the guards nearby cleared her throat and shot Emily a dirty look. Emily just glared back at her but swallowed a glib remark. Either she wanted to bottle all the anger up and direct it at someone truly deserving, like Shaw, or she didn’t want to get into trouble until she had done such.

In truth, Emily wanted answers. She just wanted to know why Kathryn Shaw had killed. The most mysterious thing about Julian’s death was why Kathryn murdered him. The police said that he had turned her down for repeat requests to conduct further rhinoplasty where other surgeons had already turned her down before, and she had snapped. Bludgeoned him with a tire iron and stuffed him into the trunk of her car.

Finally, the card reader swallowed her cash. Emily groaned and muttered more profanities under her breath and left, engulfed in a cloud of mounting frustration and volatile impatience. The man waiting in line behind her dodged away a full step when she glared at him while she took a walk to the vending machines.

Thinking about the circumstances of Julian’s death did the opposite of helping her temper or curbing any anger.

Supposedly, Kathryn had thought that beating Julian over the back of his head had only knocked him unconscious. In truth, he must have died slowly in her trunk. Painfully. The police detective Emily talked to didn’t say it in those exact words, but she knew enough to piece it together.

Not only anger accompanied Emily that day, but something else: fear.

Fear that she might lose control and do something like strangling Kathryn. Also, a fear of seeing the face of a murderer who had had so much surgery done that Emily only saw her visage as an accurate and frightening representation of what Kathryn truly was deep down—a monster.

The crazy bitch had killed her Julian because he refused to help her continue destroying her own damned face? The choleric reporter wasn’t satisfied with that explanation. It was so simple. Too mundane.

Maybe Kathryn Shaw could offer the straight dope. Maybe Emily could tickle it out of her, provoke her into spilling something she wouldn’t admit to the authorities. Maybe something darker.

Another wave of fury washed over her when she stood at the vending machines to get some snacks and something to drink. Everything cleaned out—empty. Nothing for her to buy after wasting cash on the stupid card machine?

Fuck this place, she thought. Fuck the entire prison system.

Under normal circumstances, she would have blurted that out; released her rage at one of the people working here. However, she wanted to avoid sabotaging her chances at speaking to Kathryn. Not only had the private penitentiary made this visit an absurd chore, she had had to get through lengthy talks with Shaw’s lawyers to get this going without outside interference.

Emily had signed waivers and papers just to promise she wouldn’t be using or publishing anything that transpired in this meeting.

In a huff, she sat down in the waiting area. Checked her emails on her phone to find another way of distracting herself. Canceled interview meeting. Bill. Bill. Bank complaining about her account being in the red. Bill. Advertisements. Annoying newsletter. Complaints about details on an invoice. Just a swamp of unanswered, unread messages she could not have cared any less about right now. Still, she found something oddly meditative about sifting through them and getting some of this busywork done.

Until she reached one mail: from an anonymous source in the crime syndicate exposé she was working on. The informant was backing off, chickening out, refusing to meet for a statement.

Emily blacked out. Next thing she knew, the display of her phone was covered in a spiderweb of cracks. Several people in the waiting room stared at her and her surroundings had gone dead silent.

A guard stood next to her and fidgeted, one brow arched as she stared Emily down and said, “Ma'am, I’m going to have to ask you to leave if you can’t get it together.”

Emily nodded in defeat. Whatever she had just done that resulted in cracking her own phone—shouting? Screaming? Beating inanimate objects? The startled looks from the strangers all around her told her that her outburst had been profound. She also felt a lot calmer, like the valves had opened for a spell and released some of the steam. Judging by everybody’s reactions, she must have given off that exact air.

Though the anger was still there, albeit more subdued.

Emily Graves was an angry person by nature. Always had been. Her best friend Chris never liked how worked up she got when she ranted about anything and turned it into cascading and unstoppable tirades.

Today was different. She had never felt as angry as she did this day.

She did something uncharacteristically different and apologized. Standing beside herself and watching it happen as if she was in a dream, she wondered who in all hell’s name this Emily was—sounding meek and remorseful. But there she was, the other Emily, making sure she’d get through this day far enough to speak with Kathryn Shaw.

The guard left her alone to waiting, and Emily slumped into the hard plastic chair. The light glared too brightly in here for her to decipher anything on the now-cracked display of her phone, so she put it away.

Focus. Breathe.

Focus.

Forcing herself to clear her mind of all thoughts, Emily cycled through the things she had learned in Berkeley. She reverted into the green journalist, melting into the background and observing. Watching.

The waiting area had it all. The facial expressions on the people here, the invisible clouds of air surrounding them, carrying the entire gamut of emotions: joy, sadness, regret, anger, and everything in between. One of the other visitors waiting there emanated with an aura of rage to rival Emily’s own. It somehow helped her cool down herself, seeing this other lady completely self-absorbed in a blinding haze of wrath.

This kind of place could probably do that to anybody.

She took a deep breath and went to the bathroom. Carlos told her that going to the bathroom during the visit itself is a pain of its own, so it was best to get it out of the way immediately.

No mirrors in the restrooms.

Emily splashed her face with cold water. She wanted to smoke really badly. Even though she couldn’t inhale that sweet, sweet poison any time soon, she nervously produced the pack from her pocket book and checked it. Two smokes left; not even halfway through the day.

“One hell of a drive here,” she muttered. Another woman in the restrooms just gave her a funny look, and Emily returned to the waiting area.

Eventually, she was buzzed in.

They stamped her wrist with invisible ink. Allowed her to put all her possessions in a locker. Asked redundant questions. Sent her through the metal detectors, searched her, jammed a plastic pass into her hand. Half of the hurdles made sense to Emily, leaving her to wonder about the other half.

She sat in a small windowless room and waited. The thick doors and walls muffled the repeated buzzing for other visits elsewhere. Emily had expected them to be meeting with a wall of bulletproof glass separating her and Kathryn Shaw, but it looked like the visiting room was just an open space with two entrances—two ominous metal doors.

Table in the center surrounded by rigid plastic chairs, all bolted down.

A guard waited behind her, hands folded in front of her and probably staving off boredom whenever she wasn’t ready to pounce and intervene.

Little to stop Emily from exploding into a fireball and clawing Kathryn’s eyes out.

She wondered how often the guards here had to deal with drama like that. Emily found herself wondering what it would be like to be tased.

The other door opened, interrupting such thoughts, and two people entered. Kathryn, dressed in the orange jumpsuit of the inmates here, hands shackled with cuffs, was directed to the chair on the opposite side of the table. The guard accompanying her took her place behind her next to the other door.

Kathryn’s long blonde hair was frazzled, messy. Her bleary eyes darted around, barely registering Emily. She looked crazy, but not scared or threatening in any way. To the reporter, she looked far more pathetic than she had expected—not that that helped defuse the rage.

So Emily decided to start off simple. Ease Kathryn into things, and hell, herself as well. Maybe she’d keep her anger under control by conducting herself in a professional fashion.

“Hello Kathryn,” she said. Emily pressed her lips together so hard that they turned into thin white strips. “I’m Emily Graves.”

Kathryn nodded and emitted a feeble, “Hi.”

She looked her visitor up and down but evidently did not recognize her.

“I’m a freelance reporter who has worked for a few major outlets in California.”

Kathryn’s eyes went wide. Emily expected her to shrink from that, but triggered something else entirely. Kathryn nodded emphatically—excitedly. She was thrilled.

D-list celebrity alright. Probably thought she was going to get “justice” or exposure to use in her memoirs, or God only knew what.

“Now, just to be clear, I’m not here in a professional capacity,” Emily said, trying to suss out if Kathryn still had enough marbles left in her noggin for her to speak with her regular vocabulary, or if she had to dial down her language to the level she’d use for someone certifiable.

Kathryn’s face, disfigured from years and an excess of plastic surgery, scrunched up in confusion. She nodded some more, signaling Emily to continue.

“I came here because—”

Emily choked on the words. She choked on the thoughts. Instead of rage welling up, her mind flashed back to the moment when the coroner pulled out the metal slab. The slab on which a dead body lay.

She swallowed, hard.

She remembered the day she identified Julian’s body in the morgue, in the company of Detective Tanner.

Pale, lifeless, hopeless. Dead. Shattered skull. Shattered dreams.

Shattered heart.

Was her heart racing with terror, or slowing to a halt?

Kathryn just looked at her through wide eyes, expecting something. Something more. Something that immediately disgusted Emily.

Attention.

It brought the anger back. The simmering turned back up, like stepping on the gas pedal and revving the engine. The roar of the motor. The pressure of gravity, of speed, of powerful motion. Pouring gasoline into the fire.

“I came because you murdered my fiancé, Julian. I—I just need to know. I need to know why.”

Kathryn nodded some more, like a deranged toddler trapped in a horrific grown woman’s body. Then her nodding transformed into her shaking her head quickly. She squinted as she continued to shake her head in disbelief.

“No, Doctor Stone is fine. I didn’t murder anybody!”

Emily blinked, letting that sink in. She disbelieved the disbelief. The world slowed down to a halt. The imaginary car she was driving in crashed into a solid brick wall in slow motion. Scrap parts exploded into a dazzling rain of metallic fireworks.

The flames flared up. The stream of gasoline being poured into it caught fire. It traveled upwards, in slow motion, just like the car crashing into the wall.

The rage boiled. The lid shuddered, clattered. Emily’s heart was racing indeed, pounding like thunder. Like those Japanese drums.

“Listen, honey, I’ll be out soon and with my lawyers, we’ll clear this all up, just you wait and see. I’m so sorry about what I did. I lost it and—well, things worked out in the end, yeah? I’m sure Doctor Stone will do what I asked him for then, and we’ll find a way to—”

The rushing of blood in Emily’s ears drowned out this crazy bitch’s words. The world narrowed, with darkness encroaching from the edges of her field of vision until everything had turned into a tunnel, with the only light at the end of it consisting of this monster’s artificial-looking face.

The tunnel collapsed. Complete darkness. Just the pounding of those drums, the beating of her heart.

The sound that the human hand makes when hitting flesh is strange. Like a wet bag filled with raw meat slapping onto a hard kitchen counter. That association only registered with Emily with delay.

She must have slapped or punched Kathryn multiple times before the guards pried her away. Signing papers and getting reprimanded were things that came back to her later. Emily walked out of that hellhole, putting on her sunglasses again as broad daylight from the merciless sun instantly gave her a headache. Or maybe it was the dehydration coupled with the rage. Her mouth felt as dry as Death Valley looked.

She had lost time. Her wrists hurt, she had been detained temporarily. Someone told her this was not uncommon. Warned her, told her not to show her face there again. Said she was lucky Shaw’s lawyers wouldn’t end up pressing charges, because she’d probably forget what happened by dinner time.

Emily sat on the hood of the Charger, smoking. Only one cigarette left and four hours of driving back to Los Angeles ahead of her. A veritable tower of ash formed at the end of the glimmering little death-stick between her fingers. Her ears still rang with the aftereffects of adrenaline and rage.

In her mind, she went to and fro, like liquid sloshing back and forth in a bucket. Like the gasoline, always threatening to spill over the edge and fall into the flames; threatening to feed that all-devouring fire. She struggled to piece together what had happened but a burning darkness blotted out parts of those memories.

It couldn’t have been too bad or she might have gotten arrested on the spot. Or maybe the guards took pity on her, having a hunch about what was going on there. Or maybe this entire world was so callous and cruel that nobody truly gave a damn.

Whatever had truly happened in that cold claustrophobic room with the uncomfortably cool air conditioning, it had not helped Emily. Not at all.

She had walked out of Starkford with answers less satisfying than the meager ones she had entered with. She hated the concept of America’s prison system, but a more sadistic part of her hoped that Kathryn would suffer and rot in there for the rest of her miserable life.

Emily stamped out the cigarette, grinding it with her heel with extreme prejudice, and got behind the wheel again.

Speeding might help. Her addiction made her mentally check at which gas station she’d stop next to buy more smokes. Getting back to work, perhaps following up on the Mancini “murder house” next—maybe these things would get her mind off of the hell that was living on this God-forsaken planet, hurtling through space until the sun died and the heat death of the universe ended everything.

Or maybe just drowning everything in a bottle of whiskey.

But everything Emily enjoyed at this point was self-destructive.

Nothing would truly help. None of it would quench the fires of her rage.

Just pour more gasoline into the flames.

She revved the engine. The tires screeched and the Charger sped away.

—Submitted by Wratts

[wheremytwinwatches]

[Where My Twin Watches]: Full Metal Alchemist Brotherhood Episode 10

Time to watch Brotherhood, the charming show where absolutely nothing bad is going to happen this episode, right?

Right?!

Starting off with [EXPLOSIONS], looks like a flashback to the Ishvalan Civil War/Genocide, troops in blue running and falling as they charge Ishvalans in a ruined town. Up until there’s a snap of fingers, and the screen turns red. And out of the smoke comes Roy, thinking about how he’ll do everything he can to protect the people he loves.

Jeez. This show’s not pulling any punches when it comes to the reality of war, is it?

In the aftermath of the attack, Roy’s explaining this philosophy of protection to Hughes, who likens it to a pyramid scheme. And the only one who really profits from such a scheme is the one at the top of the pyramid. Hey, Fuhrer! How’s the weather up there?

Roy continues to be incredibly unsubtle about his goal of becoming Fuhrer, Hughes jokes that it’ll at least be fun to watch. And maybe his “naive idealism” can do some good? But as easygoing as Bradley generally acts (this is the guy who easily cut down Mr. Freeze, moves at Homura speeds, and ordered a freaking genocide), I don’t think he’s just gonna step aside if Roy asks nicely.

Back to the present, seems Roy was remembering this as a dream, taking a nap in his office. Not much time for sleep, with all the preparation for the Central transfer.

Episode 10 - “Separate Destinations”

Well, that music’s not ominous at all!

In the hospital Ed’s recounting what happened in the Lab, complete with illustrations. Armstrong and Hughes are discussing the ouroboros tattoos and TC, and all the other mysteries surrounding the case. Of course, any answers they might have gotten are now under a ton of rubble.

...Is that really such an issue? I mean, a good portion of the cast are matter manipulators, can’t Armstrong just punch the boulders out of the way?

Hey! Stop eavesdropping, Brosh!

Ross is smart enough to not sneak a listen on her superior officers. And ooooh dear, it’s the big cheese himself.

Bradley says he’s stopped by for an informal visit. Heard that Ed was injured, thought a nice melon might cheer him up. Um. Ok?

Uh oh. Bradley picked up that Armstrong has been “checking up” on some of the senior staff. And he’s frowning now. Um.

“And now you… my revered Fullmetal Alchemist…” holy crud his voice went all gravely

“Tell me what you know about the Philosopher’s Stone.”

“And I hope for your sake… that you don’t know too much.”

This is bad this is really bad the Goths were bad enough but if the Government really was running that Lab then these guys just trashed a project of Bradley crap crap crap

Wait, what?

“Ha ha ha! I’m only kidding! There’s no reason for you to be so uptight!”

Hold up, what the hell was that all about?

Bradley’s saying that he knows there’s been some suspicious activity in the military lately, and something “needs to be done about it.”

...I’m still mostly convinced that you’re up to something, Bradley. But I’m not sure what.

Ooh, seems all the researchers assigned to officially study the Philosopher’s Stone have been going missing. Goth’s covering their tracks? And Bradley shows elements of being a spymaster, even with his informants he doesn’t know how much the Military’s been infiltrated, beyond “they know a lot about us.”

Now, a direct order from the Fuhrer; “To forget this matter and all that it concerns.” Since the best defense against spying is discretion, they need to keep this to themselves… up until Bradley thinks the time is right to confront them directly.

Hmm. I’m getting elements of conflicting plans here. The Goths are up to some evil involving Ed as a “sacrifice”, the leader of a genocidal government that was researching/making Philosophers’ Stones… There’s something going on here, I just can’t quite pin it down yet. Need more info.

Then all this plotting is interrupted by Bradley going out a window to escape his bodyguard. Still not seeing the Fuhrer in the best light, but you can’t deny that the character Bradley is a riot.

Winry stops by with some train tickets for Ed. Where are you off to, before you’re even healed up fully? Dublith? Play on Dublin? Oh, we finally get to meet this mysterious Teacher! Who even now has the Giant Suit of Armor shaking in his plate boots. A tough taskmaster?

Ed points out the town on a handy map, looks like it’s in the Southern Quadrant. But something shocks Winry about the trip, a town right before it?

“It’s the holy land of Automail engineering. It’s Rush Valley!” Well someone’s excited. Ooh, do we get Winry traveling with the Elrics? Also, predicting an upgrade in Ed’s future, if Winry’s that impressed with this place. What’s so special about it

Aw come on Ed, stop being such a pill. It’s not like you’re hurting for money as a SA. Maybe there’s elements of wanting to keep her out of danger (because you poor boys are trouble magnets), but you can do it! Also, moves my ship along? Please?

[Huges]: “She’ll make you a fine wife, someday.”

[Ed]: “Don’t start that again!”

Speaking of wives, Hughes is heading off to work, Elicia’s being painfully adorable, asking if Daddy can get home early that day. (!) Hughes says he’ll try to get back as soon as possible (!!), Mrs. Hughes tells him to not be late (!!!), Hughes says he’ll probably not see Winry again before she leaves (!!!!!), oh my LETO how many death flags can they wave at us?!

Damnit damnit damnit he is so dead. Why? Why do you have to kill off Hughes?! Guy’s a family man, he’s funny, he’s lighthearted. There’s enough tragedy in this world of lost limbs and genocide and soulbatteries already, you don’t have to up the ante! Uuuuugh. So annoyed at the blatant post-credits last episode, I’ve been delaying watching this one because I was so afraid of this. Gonna stop watching those from now on, too much spoilage potential.

“Oh, and tell the boys I said goodbye.” AAAAAARGH

“You just make sure to come visit us anytime you’re in Central, okay? Our home is your home too. ‘Til then… Take care of yourself.”

AAAAAAAARGH

Uuuugh, let’s try and move on. The Blond Kids are off on the train, Ed explaining that they’re off to visit Teacher for a couple of reasons, namely he’s tired of losing fights. Sadly he and Winry start squabbling about fighting, she wants them to stop. That’d be nice, Winry, but someone’s gotta stand up to the Goths. Also, they want to center themselves, boost their morale, and seeing an old teacher might help with that. As well ask her what she knows about the Stone.

Wait, what? Ooooh crap. They haven’t seen her since before the Incident, have they? So they’re gonna walk up to their Alchemy Teacher and have to explain “Yeah, I lost two limbs and my brother lost his entire body because we broke The Big Rule of Alchemy. So about some more alchemy training?” They are so dead.

Back in Central, Hughes is doing some research, going over the riots in Liore. Hey, don’t you diss Leto, random underling! Been a lot of stuff going on in the East Quadrant, as well as the North and West. Not the South? Current theory is they’re all too scared of the Elric’s Teacher to mess with her turf.

Suddenly, Hughes stands up, says he’ll be in the Archive room. Figure something out?

In the room, music’s picking up, Hughes is circling places on a map. What is- Oh. Oh my Leto. I think I just realized.

Liore, other uprisings, the Ishvalan Genocide...

The Philosopher’s Stone needs human sacrifices, and a Transmutation Circle.

We’ve already seen there can be a TC the size of a city.

Who’s to say there can’t be one the size of a country?

That’s it. That’s their plan. Craft a nation-sized Alchemy reaction. Create the True Philosopher’s Stone from the sacrifice of thousands, if not millions.

But whose plan is it? The Goths? The Government?

...but Hughes isn’t going to find out, is he? A long-haired silhouette just walked in and closed the door.

[Hughes]: “Cool tattoo you got there.”

[Lust]: “Those are your last words? Wouldn’t you rather scream?”

Leave him ALONE

NO

Wait, he got out? He got stabbed through the shoulder but he got out? How oh HELL yes knife to your fucking forehead, you bitch! You don’t mess with

FUCK YOU NO

you got a knife to the brain you don’t get to just calmly take it out no

Receptionist starts joking then realizes that Hughes is injured, he just walks past and says he needs a private line. Yes ok need to tell Roy about his but she’s not as dead as you think she is.

Wait what Hughes why are you walking away. Oh right Military either infiltrated or in on the whole thing, can’t use a military line. Get to a phone booth, use an outside line. Holdup while Eastern receptionist follows protocol, yet another STUPID death flag as Hughes drops a picture of his family… but this took too long. There’s the sound of a gun cocking-

Wait, Ross?! What are oh nonono please just be misguided don’t be part of the conspiracy.

Oh. Right. The Goths have a shapeshifter.

Come on, Hughes. Keep stalling, the phone’s not hung up so if it’s connected then Roy can hear this and get you help. And while the knife didn’t kill Lust it did slow her down so yes you’ve got another one you can

You. God. Damned. Bastard.

Envy has taken the form of Mrs. Hughes.

A shot is fired.

Only now, when it is too late, does the call get through to Roy. And Envy hangs it up.

[Envy]: “You humans don’t make any sense to me. You throw away your lives for nothing.”

hughes comment indicates hughes Goths inhuman hughes chimeras?

“Gracia… I’m so sorry… Elicia… Remember, Daddy loves you… I’m sorry.”

And Hughes bleeds out in a phone booth.

...The Blond Kids are enjoying pie on the train. It was baked by Mrs. Hughes. As was a quiche.

Ed talks about how Hughes is annoying, stopping by his hospital room every day.

Al thinks they should figure out some way to thank him next time they’re in Central.

We’re spared the scene of Hughes being discovered. But now we bear witness to his funeral.

[Elicia]: “Mommy? Why are they putting all that dirt on Daddy?” [Gracia]: “They’re burying him, dear.” [Elicia]: “But if Daddy gets buried, then he won’t be able to do all his work.” [Gracia]: “Elicia…!” [Elicia]: “Daddy said he has a bunch of work he needs to do! No, stop it! Stop putting dirt on him! Daddy!”

Armstrong is crying. Bradley is visibly shaking. Roy looks down.

The sun sets, as Roy chides Hughes for going and getting promoted to Brigadier General, rather than helping him climb through the ranks.

Riza walks up to the colonel. Who admits a large part of him wants to figure out human transmutation now.

[Riza]: “Are you alright, Colonel?” [Roy]: “Yeah, I’m fine. Except… It’s a terrible day for rain.” [Riza]: “What do you mean? It’s not raining.” [Roy]: “Yes. It is.” [Riza]: “Oh. So it is.”

…

Time resumes as Riza goes guns-akimbo at Scar, who dodges into the alley. The alley with Al still in there. Uh oh. And oh my Leto Roy, don’t you dare complain at the lady who just saved your life. “Useless on rainy days” indeed.

…

Roy’s investigating the events of Hughes’ death now, looking into the Archive Room. A trail of blood went to the phone room, and the receptionist reports that he came in, but then left without dialing a number. Roy identifies the code Hughes used as one used only for military emergencies. But he doesn’t know why.

Riza brings Armstrong, who says they have a list of suspects, but can’t determine their identities. And when Roy presses for details, Armstrong has to refuse. Right, the order from Bradley, he can’t talk about the Goths. But he does get a workaround, saying the Elrics were in town for a few days.

From all that, Roy’s able to determine a group is suspected of the murder, an officer above Armstrong ordered him to keep quiet, and the events involve the singular goal of the Elric Brothers: The Philosopher's Stone. Roy’s clued into the conspiracy now. So, in order to solve the mystery and get vengeance for Hughes, he’s going after the senior staff. With Riza at his side.

And so the episode ends, with Roy on a manhunt in the military, and the unknowing Blond Kids cheerfully laughing as their train heads south.

[jcmorrigan]

Just popping by and asking because I'm curious about your self ship with Giovanni. How did you both meet? :3

Ooh, I love this story! Though I had it only bare-bones before...this ask inspired me to sit on it and think through more of the details! So now I have a little more of that.

First of all, it doesn’t exactly follow the storyline of this song, but I just discovered it last night and I was STRUCK by how fitting it was for this whole ship, so give it a listen while reading this. Also, this got LONGER THAN I EXPECTED I’M SO SORRY

So. Here’s me: Rachel Scribere. Absolute mundie. Wants to be Inscribed, but that’s just not my life. Also wants to move up in the publishing industry, since she loves writing (mostly fanfiction, but let’s not tell the world that). And good news! A suburb outside Sweet Jazz City is hiring for a small local paper! Better than nothing, right? So I move from my small town into the heart of the city, scraping up for a cheap apartment so I can get started at work.

And it’s Hell.

My boss? Racist, homophobic, Lexist, and thinks I’m annoying. This job is slowly killing me, but I think it’s my only shot. If I lose it, I lose the apartment, I have to move back in with my parents, I have to let everyone down. Not to mention I haven’t made any friends yet in this city...surely my co-workers can’t be as bad as I think, right? They’ll be my pals eventually, right?

In the throes of depression, feeling absolutely no worth, I’m left to watch the office one day while the others are out. At a “business lunch” without me. Because I’m not in their inner circle yet, and probably will never be. I’m just trying to do some menial task they haven’t trained me how to do properly, nearly crying because it’s just not working and I know they’re gonna come back and be mad with how little I got done.

When the wall blows open.

“THERE’S NOWHERE LEFT TO RUN, [SUBURB] HERITAGE MUSEUM! FOR YOU HAVE BECOME THE NEXT TARGET OF THE BANZAI BLASTERS, AND THEIR PEERLESS LEADER, GIOVANNI POTAGE!”

When the dust clears, we’re trying to work out what, exactly, just happened.

He tried to rob a heritage museum in this suburb...and showed up at the wrong fucking building.

So he’s just all “Oh. So that’s why I’m the only one who showed up. Caaaan we just forget this ever happened? OKAYTHANKSBYE” and peaces out.

Well, I’m just about done, because our office got blown up and I still haven’t done my job and this is gonna be on my head and I just kinda fall on the floor and start crying. (Look, I know this isn’t the most headstrong start, but it’s my fantasy and I wanna be rescued from despair!)

When Giovanni WALKS RIGHT BACK IN to ASK ME FOR DIRECTIONS TO THE ACTUAL MUSEUM -

And witnesses me having a breakdown. “Hey...you, uh...you okay there?”

Well, now I’m mad at him for fucking up my life, because I am SO fired, so I get up and start sobbing and screaming at him how this is gonna be seen as my fault, and how this was already so horrible and it’s just so much worse now, but I launch into how little I was valued and Giovanni interrupts to express disbelief that my bosses didn’t take the time to help me catch up and feel welcome. After all, aren’t bosses supposed to treat their minions with love and respect?

Well, that’s when said bosses come back to the office. And they let me HAVE it.

Giovanni is miffed for two reasons. One, that they’re ragging on their precious minion (me) when that’s not something anyone should ever do, not ever! Two, that by going all “SCRIBERE. WHAT...DID...YOU...DO?”, they are totally stripping him of the cred of having made that bombastic entrance. He’s supposed to be the villain here, okay? Know his name! Fear it!

A great big argument ensues, with Giovanni defending this poor “newspaper minion” he just met and me not knowing what to say and my bosses trying to chase this crazy supervillain wannabe out of their office. And as Giovanni starts rattling off how much I deserve better and I’d be better off just quitting and being a villain...I get the impulsive idea. Hey, why not? At least I might feel alive.

So I stand up and make the decision for myself. I’m quitting. Effective now. And becoming an actual villain because I’m tired of adulting. SEE YA!

And I walk out.

Only to realize, a couple blocks away, that I have just thrown out my only financial lifeline.

Cue breakdown #2.

Now, Giovanni, he hasn’t gone love-at-first-sight for me or anything. But he does know a sad minion when he sees one, and he sort of has it in his head this is kiiiiiinda his fault, so he tails me to make sure I’m okay (which I’m not). And, I mean, a professional villain isn’t who I expected to be venting to, but he’s all I’ve got, so when he says he’ll listen, I just let it all out.

Giovanni has a great idea: I could join the Banzai Blasters with him! To which I utterly refuse. I mean, everyone knows it’s a pyramid scheme at this point, right? No one would join without being fully aware of that. (Gio: ”Heheh...yeah...I mean, I definitely knew that when I signed on, but that just means they’re legit bad guys...”)

But then he gets a BETTER idea! What if I’m an independent contractor villain? I keep the spoils of my own heists! He even thinks he remembers the name of some appraiser in the Blaster handbook that could help me get a foothold in the black market! I just need to steal some stuff to get startup capital, and hey, no one said I couldn’t tag along with the Blaster squad and take some of the spoils, like the awesome cursed swords we’re gonna find at the museum! (Me: “...What do you think the heritage museum is actually for?”) After all, the Blasters’ success is more based on clout and rank than the actual things they walk away with. No one will notice if one or two nice things goes missing! Not to mention, if I’m not an official Blaster, I get to pick my OWN uniform!

I’m desperate. And you know what? This...sounds like fun. What if I just said “fuck it”? So I agree. (And mentally plan out a potential blue-and-black aesthetic for my villain career.)

I also agree to give Giovanni a ride over there, since he is seriously NOWHERE NEAR THE MUSEUM.

En route, since it’s my car, he gets to hear one of my car mixes (IRL I make killer car mixes that make riding in my car like playing Russian Roulette - you could get rock, you could get emo, you could get trashy pop, you could get video game music, or you could just get a meme). And so he learns about my music taste. He also starts grilling me on my life - what do I do for fun? Well, I...write. They’re not really publishable stories, but...

Giovanni: “It’s fanfiction, isn’t it?” Me: “GOD DAMMIT”

He also asks my name. Which he hates, because he graduated with seven Rachels, and I can’t blame him, because I graduated with four others.

We finally get to the museum and the rest of the squad has been waiting for like an hour. They know he got lost but aren’t about to bring it up. Giovanni announces that he’s bringing a friend today and I get to help out.

Now, it’s worth noting at this point that I noticed he was QUITE A HANDSOME FELLA from the moment he walked into the room through the hole he blew in the wall, and his quirks are exactly My Type. So I’m already starting to crush on him. But I am well aware that should NOT be ANY sort of priority right now. As for me? He just sees me as a new villain buddy! (He develops feelings for me later, at which point he’s horrified because “I WASN’T SUPPOSED TO HAVE A FAVORITE MINION!”.)

The other Blasters are just like “Okay, cool” because it’s really not strange at this point for Giovanni to pick up a stray (”How do you think we got Flamethrower?”). Ben is excited because now he’s not the only one who doesn’t have a cool minion name, but now Giovanni wants to give me one to spite Ben. “Hmm...let’s see...you’re a writer, so...Storyteller? Chronicler? No...oh, wait! You also like all that weird music! What about COMPOSER? See, it’s a double meaning, because it’s a music thing, but also, you COMPOSE stories...you...you get it? It’s wordplay.”

Composer. I like it. In return, even though Giovanni’s technically not my boss, I agree to call him Boss. (”And really, I may not be your boss legally, but I want you to think of me as a boss in your heart.”)

And we have FUN clearing out the museum. It’s a Sunday, so it’s closed and no one’s actually there, so we just have the run of the place. I get to take back a couple artifacts that Sweet Jazz history buffs on the black market will love.

At the end of the day, Giovanni is all excited for this new partnership, and he’s talking up how he’s going to meet up with me tomorrow to get my stuff appraised - can he have my number? Just to keep in touch? - and I have to discreetly drop him back off at the newspaper office so he can collect his Vespa and drive home. (Look. I know he does not, in canon, drive a Vespa. But he gives me the exact energy of someone who drives a Vespa, so in this ‘verse, he has one. Just rollin’ down the road like he’s on a motorcycle when it’s a fuckin’ scooter that just goes very fast)

Before I drop him off, though, he asks me if they’re gonna kick me out of my place due to me not having a paycheck that day. See, he doesn’t exactly understand how rent works. I assure him I have a due date. He tells me that I can totally crash at his and his mom’s place if I want; he’ll bug his mom into making up the guest room. Apparently she’ll be happy that he’s made more actual friends.

I joke that she would probably be fazed that he brought a girl home. He says that’s never been a concern. “Oh. Not into girls?” “No, I am. And guys. And a couple who weren’t either. The thing is, if my mom was gonna ban everyone I COULD end up being attracted to, she’d have to ban...EVERYONE. And then I wouldn’t be allowed to have ANY friends over.”

I drop him off, go back home...and hit breakdown #3.

What was I fucking thinking? I can’t be a supervillain. Especially not an independent contractor. I’m on the wrong side of the law for a living. This isn’t going to turn a profit...and that’s not even taking into account the trouble I’ll get in with the heat. I’m having anxiety, shakes, nausea, the whole works. Starting to think this isn’t worth it. Maybe starting to feel a little suicidal.

Crawl into bed. Barely sleep. Drag myself out of bed the next day to rendez-vous with Giovanni.

Just seeing him makes me feel...slightly better. He and I head off to a hidden locale to briefly confer with Ramsey Murdoch over my finds. (”Just don’t look him directly in the gross rat face.”)

Ramsey informs me I actually have some valuable stuff on my hands, recommends some buyers, makes an offhand joke about us being a “cute couple” that goes right over Giovanni’s head.

This doesn’t do much to reassure me. I still feel empty. Hollow. Afraid. But Giovanni, he SENSES this on the drive home. He can also tell I put in one of my most upbeat dance mixes to cover the sadness. So he pesters me until I tell him how I really feel...

And he refuses to leave me alone all day because a good boss doesn’t leave a minion who’s feeling that down on herself.

We end up back at his place. Start out by watching movies. I have to put up with him and his mom yelling at each other, but Ms. P. switches on a dime around me - “So glad you’re here, Sweetie. Giovanni could use more good friends like you. Good influences who will tell him NOT TO PUT HIS FEET ON THE LIVING ROOM TABLE GOD DAMMIT HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO GO OVER THIS WITH YOU GIOVANNI anyway, Rachel, can I get you anything? A drink? Some popcorn? Since MY RUDE SON DIDN’T ASK WHAT HIS GUEST WANTED WHEN SHE CAME OVER but you name it and I’ll get it for you.”

I’m still depressed. I cuddle up in a blanket. It’s hand-knitted. I mention that it’s super comfy. Giovanni takes it as a compliment, revealing that he made it himself. This leads to him parading a bunch of things he’s knitted in front of me - scarves, hats, etc. And I love every one of them. Oh, no, I am falling for this man and am also still depressed.

We end the day by plotting out my new villain attire. He’s good at sketching out patterns for clothes, so I give him an aesthetic to go for - blue, corset lacing, asymmetrical skirt, off-the-shoulder, is this too Disney villain?, you know what I don’t care, hey, that looks great! (Eventually he actually helps me put that monstrosity together)

He sticks around. I gradually become more confident in my element, making sales, stealing more things, getting comfortable with THE VILLAIN LIFE, actually turning up a profit because Ramsey knows where the market is and is glad to show me, and hanging out with the Blasters on a regular basis in an abandoned library we’ve taken over as our lair (Giovanni says the word “Lair-brary” once and immediately regrets it and asks us all to forget he ever combined those syllables).

And I’m happy. Finally.

Then one day, in the library lair that is not a Lair-brary, there’s some shenanigan and a bookshelf almost falls on me and crushes me and Giovanni tackles me out of the way because THAT’S WHAT ANY DECENT VILLAIN BOSS WOULD DO FOR HIS PRECIOUS MINIONS and oh. Oh my God. If I didn’t have a crush on this man before, I LOVE him now. Oh, no. Oh, no... ;-)

That’s pretty much the origin story. I’m still kind of nursing the idea of doing an AU version of this in TBTC, and I would probably still wanna use “busts into WRONG PLACE, sees Rachel being mistreated, takes her to rob a place to feel better,” and I hope it’s not tacky to copy the same device. But yeah, I hope that wasn’t the 15 minutes of your life you’ll never get back

[cruddyborderlandstheories]

Maya?? Maya!!

also Athenas lmao

finally i am free to work on this

boy i sure hope we don’t get more info soon *squints at Amara’s character trailer just around the corner*

tl;dr: athenas. wow. uhhh temple areas with the weird vault-shaped statue things might be a teleportation hub or something like a Stargate cuz, uh… they’re probably not Vaults. i mean. given what we know maybe they are Vaults but not like vaults with important stuff inside, just teleportation vaults. you know what im trying to say? i mean it’s not like the eridians had any spaceships we’ve seen. but they had to get around somehow. 

also it’s possible the big temple area we see is on Athenas, is in that giant fucking pyramid in the background that i completely and totally did not notice for the longest time. 

i also discuss Maya and her thoughtlock skill (if she gets her powers taken away from her) and if she’s gonna die or not. because she’s got the Cloud Kill legendary (’oh noo she ded’), an apprentice (let’s be real, the cliches aren’t looking great), and she seems to working beside rampagers in that giant temple area (also another reason i think it’s on athenas) and tbh i didn’t see her tattoos in either of those shots (but that could be cuz she’s so smoll). so that’s cool. 

oh also the order of the impending storm was probably pretty respectable back in the day, since they can track sirens (maya’s assassin in son of crawmerax), and maybe that’s how maya figured out ava was gonna be a siren even tho she hasn’t manifested her powers yet. and Maya’s probably unearthing all this buried Siren/Vault knowledge and bringing the Academic District back into power while also protecting the Order from Maliwan. who’s still v sus.

wow we have a lot to go over

so to start, im taking a wild guess and saying the temple is on Athenas. why? because we really haven’t gotten a lot of looks at either of those areas too much (compared to promethea and eden-6) and the architecture lines up to me. 

also i, an idiot, was all like ‘mannnn Athenas is super mountainy, that’s wild. love it’ and neglected to realize there’s literally a giant fucking pyramid in the background of a lot of shots

on the right

behind the tower

to the right of ava

on the left

so i feel really dumb right now for not noticing this sooner and writing it off as a mountain. It's literally the fuckin Vault symbol like. ~triangles~. i played skyrim i should know what mountains look like when they’re not 1 polygon

either way, if that’s not at least part of the temple, it’s definitely important. somehow.

but let’s talk about the temple. the parts we know.

let’s try to look out the windows of this wild place

see cause this looks like inside a mountain

so my first instinct was eden-6 because we see a volcano on there

i mean im under the assumption this is eden-6???

bc all the plants match up

… maybe there’s more than one temple?

oh god i don’t wanna separate these by temple that’s going to be IMPOSSIBLE

but yeah i guess it’s possible there’s one on Eden-6 and one on Athenas… dear god…

but yeah my first instinct for that was ‘inside a volcano’

possible mountain on the left there

very rocky all around. im assuming this is underground or smth?

it feels like we’re underground

so maybe it’s a thing where it just keeps going further down. iunno.

it’s hard to place exactly where this is going to be because of the whole ‘underground’ thing

the part that’s throwing me off the most is this

because this looks like Pandora bc of Elpis and the rocks

and it looks like we’re walking outside a temple with the same friggen tiles on the floor, which means it is possible that this is The Temple, but you think we’d know about a giant-ass temple just on pandora. especially with the big dig site

but then we see a super similar dig site (supposedly on promethea). so what the HELL

im almost inclined to believe this is some sort of Eridian teleportation system. i know, i know, we have Sanctuary-III so it’s pointless. but… will we always have Sanc-III throughout the story? yada yada orange/gray -> blue/yellow/red markings. you get the dealio by now.

to

when taken by the cult or smth.

idk it’s possible we won’t have sanc-III for the entire game (just like normal sanctuary in bl2, in that we’ll get it back eventually (or ill kill someone for taking my room decorations)) and then we’ll have to use this wicked eridian tech to move between planets with these gateways. sort of like a stargate…

this thing is a stargate. I’ll call back to this in a hot second.

what kinda shit am i tripping on? i don’t really know. but given how it seems like these temples could be on ANY of the planets we see, im trying to figure out wtf the connection could be.

and give me this: we have never actually seen an eridian spacecraft, but we know they’ve traveled across the galaxy, putting vaults on different places. how in the fuck could they have done that if, you know, they didn’t have spaceships to travel through… space? 

well we know they have the power of teleportation down pat. i mean down so hard they were able to create a ‘teleportation gland’ that allowed a giant vault monster to teleport at will. (now im wondering if lilith has one… hm.) 

this blue thing (which… is the same color as siren stuff. okay. im sorry. i won’t get off topic this time. but it’s stewing in my gray matter)

and given that we know all the (okay, we only know for certain some) vaults open up into this other dimension (space place), would it be so hard to believe that they’re created links between planets using this dimension? i just… something isn’t right here and this seems like the most logical solution. 

take a look at Eleseer. look at all those holograms of labeled planets. of galaxies and stars in the distance. it’s possible eleseer is like the Hub for this teleportation system (explaining why it’s always open) and explaining why it’s got all those weird planet holograms sitting around. could also explain why Moon = Key.

These aren’t Vaults, they wouldn’t show up on the Vault Map- explaining why we never saw this one on Pandora- these are like… gateways or something, iunno. name pending until sept. 13th i guess.

so why tf am i going off about this on a post about maya and athenas?

because i think athenas has a gateway in it too

yeah you should recognize that thing in the background!

that’s this place!!! from the behind closed doors demo!!

and it still

doesn’t look like a vault to me

it’s intact (also it looks like stairs…). all the Vaults we’ve seen are 100% not intact. they’re all chunky and in pieces (we’re gonna ignore eleseer and uhhhh all that business right now, but even thinking about how the sentinel tried to emulate a vault by spawning it in chunks and THEN assembling it)

chunky

im just saying there has to be a reason these vault-like shapes are intact. they’re either just statues/monuments or they have a purpose.

so why tf am i convinced they have a purpose?

bc we’ve seen one light up

taken straight from the void itself (seriously it’s like a gradient back there. which is weird.)

so there’s gotta be a reason it does this right? and if it’s not a Vault, because it’s on Pandora and the Crimson Raiders would have seen it on the Vault Map, then what the fuck is it?

welllllllll i just don’t know. but my best guess right now is some sort of teleportation system to travel between planets. if there are ‘temples’ on every planet then it would make sense that there is some way for eridians to travel btwn them. 

personally i think there’s one on eden-6 (maybe in that volcano area??) and one on Athenas (cause we really haven’t seen a lot of athenas yet and… i dunno i just have a feeling). and there’s apparently one on Pandora (given we see it with elpis in the background) and possibly one on Promethea. i don’t know what that instagram video was trying to imply. i don’t wanna think too hard about it right now my brain hurts enough already as it is.

but uhhh i was gonna talk more about athenas than this

i promise this is gonna lead into maya

the academic district, with a Vault symbol on the door, to boot.

so this place is really interesting to me for a lot of reasons.

1. that vault symbol on the door

2. they’re flying flags with the vault symbol on it

3. giant pyramid in the back

it’s staggeringly huge

4. they have siren tattoos on the building in the back there. specifically, amara’s tattoos

yeah. maybe this is Partali? a smaller area on Athenas, like Meridian is a city on Promethea, and this is Amara’s way of tagging her presence/an area under her protection as the Tiger

more shots of Athenas from the amd horizons e3 stream

it’s a very pretty planet

so if anything, this is the place we’re going to go to learn about Sirens.

and i don’t know how much the Order of the Impending Storm actually KNOWS about Sirens, because all we know about them from maya’s backstory is that they were assholes and using maya to keep the people scared and giving them money

also that they knew how to track sirens

that’s probably important…

“Maya, you’ll like this next dude. He’s a Siren tracker named Mordo Sophis, Father of Brother Stephen Sophis, that dude you ganked back on Athenas. And boy, oh boy, is he just itching for vengeance.”

who isn’t, mr. mordo, sir? get in line

anyway apparently the Order knows how to track Sirens. Which could explain how Maya has a Siren apprentice when Ava uhhh apparently hasn’t manifested her powers (or tattoos) yet. might also explain how they got their hands on Maya when she was a baby. cuz yeah… i got the feeling they stole her and killed her parents… just a feeling.

y’know if tannis didn’t kill that siren tracker dude maybe she could’ve learned something from him first. that could’ve been interesting.

anyway, idk. maybe at one point the Order was respectable and, like, didn’t force people into giving them money by using sirens as a scare tactic. 

it looks like they have/had an academic district (which im sure maya is helping cultivate) focused on Sirens/Vaults.

and there’s a lot of importance on books this game

seriously

apparently

there’s

a

lot.

but let’s get back to this in a minute, because i do wanna talk about the name of the Order.

it’s full name is the Order of the Impending Storm.

I know while writing bl2 they probably didn’t know that they were gonna be building towards a war in tps, but it’s still interesting that they decided to bring them back into play now. because they 100% could have just left them as a background monastery that Maya came from and have maya refuse to return/start her own organization. but they made her specifically return there.

so does their name have significance now? i’d be willing to bet a yes. I mean, war is coming. Impending Storm sounds like it’d be a pretty fitting name for an organization that knew this. Especially because according to Maya’s cosplay guide, they worshipped her like a God (seriously lol are all Sirens worshipped as minor deities? most people know Sirens are Sirens right? like just people with magic powers..? hmmm)

And if Maya returned to learn more about Sirens, then isn’t it implied that the Order did, in fact, know more about Sirens than Maya did? hell, maybe even Tannis…

especially if the temple or eridian ruins are nearby. Say… In this giant pyramid…

so this doesn’t fit in with the aesthetic of Athenas at all. it’s almost like those are caution colors on the bottom strip there. warning you to not go inside. i don’t know if this was built by the eridians or by whoever is on Athenas to keep whatever’s inside… inside (cough Rampagers cough)

either way that pyramid is FUCKING HUGE

seriously, just compared to the academic district, it’s insanely big (that is the BASE in the background)

also guess who just realized this would be a hilarious joke by gearbox

to have pyramids built by ancient aliens. oh, you.

also, side note, there’s a crew challenge for moxxi in the academic district

i just have no idea how we’re getting up there…

oh but the Order. yeah i get the feeling they know A LOT about Sirens/Eridians. maybe even what’s about to go down. but maybe a majority of that was lost in the archives when some corrupts assholes came into power. and now Maya returned and is slowly but surely unarchiving everything we need to know about Sirens.

perhapith this book has some Siren-y knowledge within it? from someone who went into the temple on Athenas and… never came back out.

and I would bet Maya is waging war against Maliwan at the same time as she’s uncovering all this buried info (protecting the Order) because Maliwan is trying to get this info as well. 

Seriously, anyone else notice Maliwan is SPREADING?? They’re not just on Promethea. they’re on Eden-6. They’re on Athenas. They’re even fuckin on Pandora in some trailers (although I would not trust any trailer with roses at this point. something’s really fucky. I will make a seperate post about that i think, once we get Amara’s and Fl4k’s trailers). I’m really suspicious that Maliwan has either joined the cult, or they’re going to become the main villains. which, y’know, given corporations are the big bad in borderlands always… that seems about right.

I wouldn’t even be surprised if Maya/the Order knows something about the Children of the Vault. Given that one pic of her holding a book with the CoV symbol on it.

that she seems to be passing on to Ava

I dunno. I don’t think Children of the Vault is a name that the cultists/Calypsos just HAPPENED to come up with. And I still don’t think that the broadcast easter egg is from the Calypsos. it doesn’t make sense. I know I went over this in-depth in the Promethea post but god damn it im going to do it again because i feel so strongly about this.

i feel like the cult stumbled upon this name and decided to adopt it as their own. or tried revive an old cult with the same name. and if they didn’t, why in the hell does the message say ‘Do Not Open the Vaults’? How do the twins know about Tannis by name?

i mean, okay, granted we don’t know exactly how she fixed the Vault Map and it could be that the twins know how she did it. Because I still haven’t been able to place that one shot of them walking outside the Recruitment Center 

this one

and we know tannis fixes (??) the Vault Map in the recruitment center, so, maybe they saw it happen or there’s some sort of record in the vault map? that shows her fixing it and when they get to Promethea they send out that message?

i meannn she seems pretty surprised it’s functioning, herself.

so maybe they come while/after tannis fixes the key/map to get it back and Lilith like alright everyone let’s book it to Ellie’s garage with the Map. she’ll help us get to Sanc-III.

and in that they see that she’s able to fix it (possibly with weird Siren/Destroyer/Slag/pickurpoison powers) and that’s how they know Tannis is not what she seems.

and maybe the twins just don’t want their cultists opening the vaults because they want to be the ones to open it.

Sure

BUT that’s boring sauce to theorize about because it’s all just there. I’m still partial to the idea that Children of the Vault is actually referring to Sirens tho. It would explain why Maya has a book with the symbol for the CoV on it and is offering it to Ava. Because why would Ava need a book about the Calypsos? who would WRITE a book about the Calypsos?? and make it look THAT old? like… c’mon.

At the very least, it’s an old name for a cult that got revived by the Calypso twins.

At the most, it’s the name for Sirens.

Or it’s the symbol for the Order of the Impending Storm, back when they were respectable. tho you think we’d see maya wearing the symbol somewhere in bl2, so maybe not. unless she took it off her clothes because they had her try to kill unarmed civilians.

I mean, why is the cult’s symbol the Vault symbol upside down, anyway? We know that the symbol for the Vaults in Eridian is the upside-down V in a circle, because Tannis tells us so in bl1. So why would a cult of people who believe the Vaults to be their birthright go around slapping what is essentially the opposite symbol everywhere?

i personally wouldn’t be surprised if that’s the symbol for Siren or something, given how closely intertwined they both seem to be to that alternate dimension.

regardless. let’s keep going

so let’s talk about Maya’s fate in BL3. Is she gonna die? is she not gonna die? i dunno. let’s discuss.

i personally would not be surprised if she does, but i’d be a little disappointed regardless. if any Siren is gonna die… Lilith is going to finish her character arc this game. not that I want her to die, but still. I get that they gotta keep the Siren cycle going.

sooo one big point in the ‘maya dies’ category:

“Oh noo she ded” i mean. that’s just mean, gearbox. 

of course we don’t know if that’s talking specifically about Maya, could be talking about Tyreen, or a miniboss, or something. but i do think it’s interesting that it’s on maya’s legendary. plus uhhh given we had a death out of Roland in BL2, and in TPS 2 of those VHs died as well, I think it’s a given at least one BL2 VH isn’t gonna live to see the end of 3. as much as that actually physically pains me to type. 

And… to tip the scales further to Maya, Zer0 has crew challenges, which probably means they won’t be biting the dust anytime soon, unless you wanna completely ruin doing all the crew challenges by beating the game before doing the assassination quests. which doesn’t seem like something they’re keen on doing, if Roland giving out side quests had anything to say about it. Of course there’s always the argument that someone will take over Zer0′s crew challenges if they die, but… who would? Rhys? maybe. i get the feeling he might be too busy with Atlas though. Lorelei..? … i don’t know her well enough to make a statement on that.

taken from K6′s awesome legendary loot vid

Back to the legendary. we know it’s hers based off the name ‘Cloud Kill’, which is one of her best skills (after the buff lol). It’s a corrosive only Maliwan smg (as far as i can tell. it doesn’t look like there’s the option to swap elements. so it’s cool to know uniques might throw out their manufacturer’s alternate firing modes). i’m gonna take a guess and say it mimics cloud kill by spawning a cloud on top of enemies that are shot with it. that could clean out an entire room in seconds, especially on Amara with Phasegrasp.

anyway i got more

so Ava is Maya’s apprentice, hmmmm?

well i dunno about you guys but whenever a character gets an apprentice/kid/whatever, it’s not good news for the character. and given that borderlands definitely doesn’t need children to keep the premise fresh, I’m a bit worried for Maya.

Ava must be important to the main story, or they could’ve taken her out or put Gaige in. The devs themselves said they only wanted to bring in characters that they knew had significant importance to the plot and so that characters wouldn’t feel shoehorned in.

so there’s a few ways things can go down with Ava, using apprentice stereotypes:

1) She takes over after Maya dies/has her powers stolen/is brainwashed and helps us bring Maya back by proving herself using the stuff she learned from Maya (or, the stuff she taught herself that Maya said wasn’t important)

1b) she inherits Maya’s powers and Maya trains her in the way of Phaselock

possibly maya handing over her class mod or smth

2) she’s evil and the cult is using her to get info and secretly hates maya or whatever

Given Ava is like… 12… I wanna believe she’s not evil. of course we don’t actually know if she’s 12 cause apparently the Siren lore got messed up knowing Angel had her powers manifest at 5. but that’s not canon until mentioned in-game, so fuck it: let’s believe Ava is 12 and not evil and is just Maya’s kickass Siren apprentice.

The apprentice Maya was able to find because the Order knew how to track Sirens/determine if someone is going to exhibit Siren powers.

yes, let’s go with that.

So… what’s gonna happen to Maya, then?

I personally believe she’s going to have her powers stolen and used against her. One major part of her powers is that she’s able to ‘Thoughtlock’, which basically brainwashes an enemy to fight for her.

That sounds like it would be insanely powerful in the hands of the Calypso twins, especially since Maya has gotten more powerful since bl2, and tbh I can’t see them wanting to pass it up. Of course it could also be story-breaking, but let’s say they can only have one person ever Thoughtlock-ed at a time and suddenly it’s a lot less troublesome.

so this scene makes me do a big thonk

(also, another reason im thinking this temple area is on Athenas is bc Maya’s there! plus there are triangles everywhere. Triangles… pyramids… iunno. just spitballing)

also idk if this is just cause she’s super teeny-tiny buuuut

im worried i can’t see maya’s tattoos

she’s also entirely focused on the player instead of… oh, idk, the giant rampager right next to her

and idk it looks almost like she’s holding a gun and aiming it at us?

which hey, i wouldn’t jump to conclusions right away because she does have a skill that allows her to heal allies by shooting them

but also… if she doesn’t have her siren powers, then that’d just be like… regular shooting, wouldn’t it? and if she DOES have her Siren powers, why in the hell is she not using them on the giant monster right next to her???

we see her again in the background of this shot

again… tattoos not 100% clear.

she also seems to be taking radiation damage from the rampager! which is good. but also she doesn’t seem to care that much about it.

we can also see her gun here

sorry it was kinda being obscured by the youtube progress bar

but uhhh it’s not looking good.

boy i really hope Maya doesn’t die

we also know it was hinted that Krieg might be making a return! from his voice actor’s twitter:

tho, he also soon made a tweet after that was all like “this doesn’t confirm nor deny that krieg is returning” which, yeah i get that.

either way, if Krieg is coming back, it’d be interesting to see what goes down with him, especially if Maya dies. or even if Maya’s ‘just’ in trouble, I could see him going absolutely apeshit.

maybe krieg will sacrifice himself to save maya, somehow. maybe he’s have a moment of pure lucidity and save her. maybe she’ll die and he’ll lose his mind and become a boss battle. maybe she’ll save him and they’ll live happily ever after ;w; who knows~

maybe ava will have heard about Krieg through Maya and will go to get him to try and help save her. that’d be really interesting to see- krieg smashing through a wall with Ava riding on his shoulder lol

anyway, holy shit im exhausted. i gotta wrap this up because it’s like 1am and i’ve been working on this post for like… 3 days straight now. ech.

if maya does die, it would be interesting to see is Ava inherits her powers after we kill the Calypsos. like, would the powers try to go back to their original host? would they see she’s dead and just find another Siren to give the powers to? i wonder if maya dying/being about to die would be enough of a traumatic experience for ava to unlock her siren powers.

ohh it’d be cool if Ava unlocked her siren powers and used them to save Maya from the cult/brainwashing/whatves

alright. im tired lmao

good night.

[belphegor1982]

Y’know, maybe it’s because I sometimes watched the A-Team as a kid or because the “stuff blowing up” trope is a lot of fun to play with, but I’m going to go with it and say “when in doubt, blow something up” :P

FAIRY TALES AND HOKUM

Summary: 1937: Two years after the events of Ahm Shere, the O’Connells are “required” by the British Government to bring the Diamond taken there from Egypt to England. In Cairo, while Evelyn deals with the negotiations and Rick waits for doom to strike again, Jonathan bumps into an old friend of his from university, Tom Ferguson. Things start to go awry when the Diamond is stolen from the Museum and old loyalties are tested… (story on AO3; on FFnet)

(Chapters: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13)

Chapter 14: The Value of Initiatives (on AO3 here)

Night set fast on the Egyptian desert. The sundown had been long, colourful and warm, with just the right amount of slight breeze to cool the air down to pleasant before the long cold of the night. The ground beneath Rick’s feet was still hot, but it was gradually getting cooler, too, enough for him to feel it even through the soles of his thick shoes. For the moment, though, only his heels were on the ground as he lay flat on his back with his hands under his head, watching the sky grow darker.

Even with nothing but the immensity of clear night sky in front of him, Rick had rarely felt so trapped. He had his back to the wall, and each time he tried to think up a way to get himself out of this mess, he came up against yet another wall. His range of choices was certainly restricted, and being able to do nothing but lie there and wait for the sun to rise again was a situation he did not like one bit.

The breeze threw his hair into his eyes, and he brushed it away absent-mindedly. It immediately conjured up the way Evy’s dark locks of hair got into her own eyes with the slightest breath of wind, their way of curling around her lovely face, and her utter failure each time she tried to tie all of them up into a bun or a plait. Even for the first years he’d known her, when she wore her hair up almost all the time, messy tendrils always framed her face no matter what. To an outsider, it was in direct contradiction with the image of the prim and proper English Rose, especially when her lips parted into a smile, and her eyes began to sparkle. Rick had never seen anyone’s eyes sparkle like Evy’s. It made her look truly mischievous, and, fortunately or unfortunately for him, utterly irresistible.

And he missed her. Boy, had he had time to reflect on how much he missed her. He missed her laugh, he missed the touch of her light hand, the scent of her hair, the way she sounded adorable even when she sang off-key, the dangerous glint that lit up in her bright eyes whenever she had an idea that could, in Rick’s opinion anyway, lead to disaster, the warmth of her skin, the way her lips felt so soft in the morning…

He shifted slightly on his spot on the sand, breaking off a line of thought that was getting uncomfortable. His gaze left the sky for one of the fires a few feet to his right. Beside it was the broad figure of Ferguson, sitting with a cup of coffee or tea in his hands, looking deep in thought and unhappy. It occurred to Rick that he, too, must be missing his wife, and worrying about her like mad. At least Evy was free, and Rick was pretty damn sure that she was probably moving heaven and earth right now to find him and Jonathan. He was just glad that she hadn’t taken part in the scuffle the evening before; she wouldn’t have considered such a venture very stealthy, but she likely might have joined in anyway. Waltzing in with all guns blazing was more Rick’s style. Then again, he had been a very bad influence on her in that matter.

From where he lay on the ground, Rick saw Jonathan walk to the fire a little stiffly and sit beside it, warming his hands by the flames. The Englishman made no sign that he had seen him at all, and Rick made no move to get up and come closer to the fire either. His anger had abated reasonably – as reasonably as it could have in twenty-four hours – but he still didn’t get it. He had had the whole day to think about it, but he still just didn’t get it. Jonathan had proved before that he was no bad hand at shooting, far from it. He had a sharp eye and a good aim. Hamilton was a perfect target, there was no way in hell he could have missed. So why hadn’t taken the shot when he had the occasion?

The cut on his forehead twinged, reminding him of the other reason he’d spent the entire day stewing in softly boiled fury. He’d been so damn stupid. Taking a hit in the middle of a melee, yeah, that happened. But getting blindsided like that was a rookie’s mistake. Or an old man’s. Frankly, none of those two options looked good.

The wind shifted, and Rick became aware that the two Englishmen were talking in low voices.

“…now I understand Baine’s black eye and why he’s been glaring at you all day. And when did you finally find your camel?” he heard Ferguson ask quietly.

“Just before dawn, hiding under the cloth of a collapsed tent, completely unscathed. Scurried away to save its neck, it had. Can’t say I blame it, though… That’s what any sane beast or bloke should do in circumstances like that.”

“So now he’s not a ‘stupid, filthy useless bugger’ anymore?”

“He’s still a filthy, useless bugger. But he’s not stupid, I’ll grant you that.”

Rick heard a low chuckle from Ferguson, then Jonathan’s quiet voice again, following a short silence.

“So, perhaps now you’ll tell me exactly who you went to see to ‘pass the word’?”

“Yeah, now that there isn’t anyone around close enough to hear…” Ferguson looked about cautiously. Rick reflected that, three or four days ago, he would have thought the guy was being paranoid. And doing a bad job of it. “All right, but you must promise me not to tell anybody – this is serious business.”

“Right, I forgot this is all just a big cricket game here.”

“Jon…”

“All right, all right, I promise, and I’ll shut up and listen then.”

“The High Priest of Osiris.”

There was a beat. When Rick risked an almost open glance at the two Englishmen, he saw that Jonathan was sitting very still, a suspicious sort of ‘Uh?’ expression on his face. Ferguson sipped a bit from his cup.

This was getting interesting. Rick strained his ears to understand everything he could from his spot.

“Would you care to elaborate?” Jonathan finally uttered, his voice thankfully no louder than it had been. Ferguson shrugged.

“I’ve done some… research, asked some people, and I picked up the trail the afternoon before we left Giza. Strange old bloke, very imposing – made stuff I still can’t explain, like a little chat with a ghost on the wall… His coffee was the best I’d ever drunk, by the way, hands down.”

“Are you playing the bloody fool on purpose?”

“You’re not very patient.” There was wry humour in Ferguson’s voice. “Well, I asked him to warn your sister – tell her that O’Connell and you are fine and all that – so that she would go to the Medjai, because they could give a bit of a hand in this kind of situation, I’d been told.”

So that’s why Ardeth and his buddies had been so quick to find them. They simply knew where to look. Good initiative of Ferguson’s, that.

“Well,” came Jonathan’s voice after another short silence, “at least they know as much as we do now.”

Rick saw Ferguson shake his head. The flickering light of the fire in front of him cast shadows on his face, making him look grim.

“No, Jon, they know a bit more than us – than Hamilton, anyway. Remember what he said about the army of Anubis?”

“What, that any mortal who wakes up this army can control it as long as he claims before the day after tomorrow?”

“Seems that he was a bit wrong concerning the ‘any mortal can control it’ part.”

It seemed to Rick that he sank a little deeper in sand that felt definitely cooler. Just what we need. Not only we got a mad megalomaniac who wants to wipe a whole country off the map, but his plan is based on fairy tales and hokum – half-false fairy tales and hokum, at that. Just great.

“Let me guess.” Jonathan’s voice was lower. He sounded very tired. “If he tries to wake up the army of Anubis, it will wipe out the world.”

“How did you know?”

That’s always the story. I guess we’re just lucky that way.

“Third time, remember? I’m starting to know how it goes.”

Rick went back to staring at the darkening sky. Except for the now familiar sinking feeling in his stomach that meant the end of the world in a few days, he felt oddly normal. The beat of his heart hadn’t even changed.

He continued to listen, albeit idly, as Ferguson detailed his interview with the High Priest. If, somehow, they could get Hamilton tied up and gagged and just wait for the moon – or lack thereof – to set, it would be just perfect. Then again, perhaps it might take more persuasion for agents whom their boss scared out of their wits to commit such a rebellion. Maybe if they managed to convince them that they were all going to die if Hamilton succeeded. It wouldn’t even be a lie, after all…

“What the hell do you mean, ‘claiming Ahm Shere’?”

The edge in Jonathan’s low voice brought Rick’s attention to the conversation around the campfire a few feet away.

“Just that. The day after tomorrow at dawn, the pyramid will be destroyed.”

“How?”

“No idea. I suppose it’ll sink into the ground, or cave in or something.”

Rick closed his eyes, and, to his own great surprise, found himself fighting a rising dry, mirthless laugh. It wasn’t enough that what Hamilton was planning to do in the pyramid would probably end all of humanity. He had to have it planned for the exact moment nobody should be inside the damn pyramid in the first place.

Ridiculous as the idea sounded, tying up Hamilton until danger had passed seemed damn tempting. But it was also completely useless with all those cronies around the guy – he would be freed in no time. The most it could do would be slowing things down a bit.

Without raising his voice much, Rick said, without really looking at the two Englishmen near the fire, “How long before we’re at Ahm Shere, do you think?”

Ferguson jumped, and Jonathan’s head swivelled round in his direction. “How much have you heard?” Ferguson whispered, sounding half scared and half angry.

“Pretty much everything from Anubis’ army up to now. Don’t worry, I’m not gonna shoot off at the mouth about your High Priest of Whatever. So,” Rick said, sitting up on his elbows to face the two of them, “how long?”

The Liverpudlian gulped, then paused to think. Rick noticed that, while Jonathan wasn’t quite avoiding his eyes, he wasn’t exactly meeting them, either.

“I’ve heard Collins say we can be there by teatime tomorrow, but considering the directions we’ve been given, I’d say rather tomorrow by nightfall. Camels don’t go that fast, and there’s quite a lot of things to carry ‘round. Why, what are you thinking about?”

“Well,” Rick said slowly, “we’d just need to stall things a bit, right?”

“And how do you suggest we do that?” asked Jonathan, more quietly than Ferguson. Rick got up from the ground and went to sit down next to the fire. The sky had reached its night-black hue, and darkness had truly fallen around them.

“Actually,” he said in a low voice once he was settled, “I was thinking about jumping Hamilton and storing him someplace till tomorrow, but I guess blowing something up would do the trick just as well. Any kind of diversion might work, really, as long as it slows them down.” The truck, for instance, would be a good target. That was where they stored all the tents for the day and half the ammo for the night. With enough gas to light the fuse, it could make a nice big bonfire.

There was a beat, during which the two others’ eyes went very round and slightly bulging. While Ferguson still stared at him wordlessly, Jonathan shook his head. “You’re mental. They’d never let us try something like that.”

“Because you think I’m gonna ask their permission?” Rick retorted. “At least I can grab an opportunity when I see it!”

“All right, I see your point,” Ferguson said quickly, before Jonathan, whose eyes flashed angrily for a second, could say anything. “But what kind of diversion? How do you suppose we could get hold of Hamilton without anybody seeing us?”

Rick thought for a minute, then nodded.

“Okay, forget Hamilton, but we have to do something. We gotta slow them down.”

“I second that,” muttered Ferguson. “I’d hate to be in that bloody pyramid when it crumbles.” Rick saw his eyes dart to the truck parked some way off from the campfires. Apparently he had more or less the same idea. It was also true that there weren’t that many things that could blow up in the camp.

Question is, how the hell are we going to get there at all?

“If I may venture a suggestion…”

Jonathan’s low voice startled Rick out of his musings. The American glanced at his brother-in-law from the corner of his eye with a frown.

“Look, if you don’t wanna be a part of it, don’t both—”

“It’s not that,” Jonathan snapped, sounding miffed. He wasn’t looking at them. Rick followed his gaze to the camels who were tethered nearby. “I might have an idea.”

.⅋.

Never, in Jonathan’s admittedly ample experience with plans that were bound to fail dismally, had he laid the foundations of a plan that was so obviously bound to fail dismally.

First, camels. There was the fact that camels were involved, and the fact that they had to behave according to plan, when he knew all too well that the bloody beasts never behaved according to any plan but their own.

Second, the idea of Tom coming up with something to distract whoever would be guarding the lorry was preposterous. If the bloke was anything, it was honest. Truthfully, painfully honest. He was just completely incapable of telling a decent lie without blowing it up out of proportion. Then again, Jonathan conceded, Tom had succeeded in almost fooling Evy, hands down the most suspicious person he knew, into believing everything he’d said, and had definitely succeeded as far as Jonathan himself was concerned. It definitely seemed that life as a spy had changed some things he knew for sure about his old friend. So yes, maybe this particular point was not as worrying as the others.

The worst – the tiny part in the plan that made Jonathan cringe and curse himself for suggesting it in the first place – was that he was going to set the blasted thing on fire. All by himself. And wasn’t that a daunting prospect. While he certainly knew a thing or two about the inner workings of an automobile – enough to make one run without really needing the appropriate keys, for example – the idea of an ‘internal combustion engine’ with explosives in the back blowing to pieces didn’t exactly strike him as a particularly clever thing to stand near to. Especially when he was the one who would see to it that the thing blew up, since Rick – bloody Americans always have to blow something up, don’t they! – would be busy with the camels.

Which brought him back to the first problem. How on earth do you make camels understand that orders are urgent and vital to a plan? Beastly cretins couldn’t even follow a lead decently, anyway.

This particular point was the reason for his presence a few yards from the lorry. So far, Rick had been the only one in their group of three with any sort of authority over his camel. He was thus altogether suited for the mission of herding the camels out of the makeshift paddock, and then scattering them to make the biggest mess possible. As for Tom, well, somebody had to distract whoever was doing the guarding and not look especially suspicious in the process.

That left Jonathan with nothing but the truck thing. Fan-bloody-tastic.

Agents had taken the food for the evening out of the lorry and were currently, for the most part, sitting around campfires in groups of six or seven to eat. Most of the tents and gear and some boxes of explosives had been stored in the lorry, and three agents were standing between it and the car, talking in low voices and looking like unnaturally stiff-backed guard dogs. Jonathan couldn’t help being somewhat uncharitably satisfied that he was not the only one not to enjoy camel-back trekking.

There was a nip in the air, and Jonathan found himself glancing longingly at the nearest fire. It was sparkling merrily a few feet away, drawing some agents to it like moths to a lamp, looking very welcoming indeed. Neither Rick nor Tom was anywhere to be seen; each was probably at his own appointed post, waiting for his time to act. Which, as Jonathan realised by peering at his watch in what little light he could get, was drawing near.

The sound of footfall and low voices brought his attention back to the three men standing nearby, and he saw that a fourth had just joined them. The outline of Tom’s sandy hair had an odd reddish look about it with the light of the fire behind him.

“Good evening.”

“Evening, Ferguson.”

The third agent said nothing, but gave a slight nod. His sharp-featured face, hidden in shadows, was visible only for a second as he struck a match to light his cigarette.

“What are you up to, then?” asked the first, a burly-looking fellow who stood easily a head or two taller than Tom.

“Oh, nothing in particular, Norton,” Tom answered, and Jonathan rolled his eyes at the would-be offhand tone. At least he didn’t look too conspicuous. In fact, he just looked tired. “Just wondering what I’m doing here, that’s all. I’m stiff, I’m cold, and I miss my wife.”

“Ah, come on, Ferguson,” said the second man. He had a low-pitched, gravely sort of voice that was surprising coming from a bloke so short. “We’re all suffering here – collectively. Now personally, I wouldn’t say no to a shower and a pint, but we can’t always get what we want, can we?”

“Yeah, Collins, I suppose you’re right. But still, Hamilton had no right to kidnap me wife and use her as bloody leverage. No right at all.”

“I don’t say what he did wasn’t dirty, mate – it was, I’ll grant you that,” the burly one, Norton, piped up. “But it was orders.”

“No, it wasn’t!” Tom protested, louder. Jonathan’s ears pricked up in spite of himself. He was supposed to focus his attention on the camel paddock Rick would unlock any minute now – as soon as he made sure Tom’s little diversion was working – but diversion or not, this was getting really interesting. “Hamilton told me just that, when I went to see the prisoners last Sunday. He acted on nobody’s orders but his own.”

“What are you suggesting, then, Ferguson?” the third asked in a hissing sort of voice, speaking for the first time. “That Hamilton is using us for his own interest instead of the King’s? Are you sure you want to call your superior a traitor to his country?”

There was a heavy silence, then Tom said, rather coldly, “I don’t know. He intends to raise the fabled Army of Anubis to wipe out Germany – its leader and its population. What do you think? Is that enough to make him a traitor?”

Jonathan was finding it very hard to keep his eyes on the paddock and his ears on the ongoing conversation. What on earth was Tom trying to do? Surely not turn them over? Hamilton would probably get him arrested in no time if words reached his ears about Tom revealing the flaws in his little plan, let alone advocating mutiny. And then things would get really complicated. If not downright nasty.

He watched the three agents stare at Tom, looking dumbstruck. That’s right, he thought, peering at them, almost willing this particular thought into their minds, you’re not believing him. You’re goody-goody secret bloody agents who do what they’re told and that’s it. Bloke just misses his wife, he’s just making up stories… please don’t believe him…

What was taking Rick so long?

And then everything happened very fast. The short man named Collins opened his mouth, said, “Well –” and a merry chorus of roars, bleats and occasional yelps interrupted him. From his place on the ground, Jonathan allowed himself two seconds of glee as he watched the whole disbanding herd of camels gallop past the four agents.

The trio plus Tom stood there for a short moment, mouths hanging open, before taking off to try to catch the stray camels. People were already running after the animals, others shouted for anyone who could lend a hand, and one man hollered expletives at a camel that had stomped on his foot. Wondering if the camel who had done the stomping had been his own stroppy animal – and he had a hunch it was – Jonathan scrambled up and slipped under the lorry.

There was almost no light at all under that great big mass, and Jonathan spent a little while blinking in the dark and trying to get his bearings. When he could finally make out enough to know where he was and spot his target, he crawled in the sand, silently cursing the cold, sticky grains already filling his collar, his sleeves and his pockets and wincing at the sickening smell of petrol right above him that meant he was at his own appointed post: right under the petrol tank of the lorry. Biting his lip in some apprehension, he took out of his pocket the small knife Tom had unearthed for this purpose and began to drill the tank.

It seemed to take hours, and his arms were growing lifeless in the end, but it worked, somehow.

Jonathan did not really know how much petrol it would take to make the whole thing catch on fire, and, frankly, he really wasn’t contemplating striking a match under that lorry to check. When the hole was just large enough, he stuck his handkerchief in it to make a fuse and dug a hole under it. As petrol filled it at an alarming speed, he crawled back and dug a narrow trench on the way out.

Emerging from under a lorry covered in soot and sand was not, of course, the most inconspicuous Jonathan had ever looked. Incredibly, nobody seemed to notice him as he bent quickly to strike the match and set fire to the trench of thick, stinking dark liquid at his feet. He scampered off without further ado, grinning like an idiot from relief and, admittedly, from having perfectly succeeded in something for once.

What could go wrong at that point?

Well, something could, it appeared, as nothing happened and the lorry still stood there. There wasn’t even a single spark.

Jonathan felt his blood drain from his face as his eyes met Rick’s, who was coming back from the paddock and looked – surprised? Suspicious? Jonathan couldn’t really tell from afar. He spun on the spot and headed back toward the lorry, frowning. Surely something must have got in the way… It was probably the –

He didn’t even have time to finish his thought. The intense light hit his eyes before the enormous bang of the explosion reached his ears, and the blast caught him head on.

.⅋.

Tom had finally recaptured his own camel and was quite happy to have recognised the animal before Baine, who was dangerously close, could get his hands on him. Most of his fellow agents were still struggling with the straying camels. Tom did not know what O’Connell had done to frighten them so badly, but it had worked – unless the beasts were unnaturally good actors, and Tom, while not really disliking camels as much as Jon did, was realistic enough to know they weren’t.

His camel gave a small roar toward the left, and looking over his shoulder Tom saw O’Connell finishing tying up his own camel a few feet away. When the American spotted him, he jerked his chin toward the lorry – from which he stood at reasonable distance – with a slight grin that revealed some of his remarkably sharp-looking teeth. It was something Tom had noticed the first time he’d seen O’Connell grin. The man seemed to have an impossible number of teeth in his jaw.

The Liverpudlian looked up from tying up his camel to see Jonathan step from behind the lorry and take cover, dusting himself off energetically but looking overall pleased with himself. When nothing happened, however, he stopped, frowned, and strode back to the lorry. Tom was on the verge of asking O’Connell something about combustion engines when everything exploded and he dove into the sand as a pure knee-jerk reflex.

The night seemed even darker for a second with the stark contrast of the glare, neither yellow nor red, that filled Tom’s horizon for a second or two before he squeezed his eyes shut and put his hands on his head for protection. There was a snap and a strangled camel’s roar drifting away behind him, meaning that his faithful mount had broken free out of sheer terror. And then complete silence.

Tom lifted his face from the sand and opened bemused eyes to discover a thick, heavy-looking black cloud of smoke hanging in mid-air where the lorry had stood a moment before. There was a ringing silence, and an overwhelming smell of petrol, steel and plastic burning – it was so heavy that Tom’s head swam for a second as he wobbled back to his feet, coughing and waving the smoke away.

Sound began to trickle in, and Tom realised that he had been almost completely deaf to everything for a few seconds. Agents, some still clutching camels’ reins, were running to the remains of the lorry, or rather the cloud of smoke that still blocked the remains of the lorry from view. And, incidentally, the amateur arsonist who had set the whole thing on fire.

Tom’s insides gave an ugly sort of lurch as he realised he had not seen Jon come out from behind the lorry yet.

Beside him, O’Connell’s eyes were wide open and, Tom noticed, held something like approval as the American took in the mayhem the explosion had left in its wake. Then the same nasty thought appeared to cross his mind as the half-grin slipped abruptly from his face and he turned to Tom with a funny look in his eyes.

They scrambled up as one and ran up to the still glowing remains of the lorry, scattered over the black and burnt sand. The carcass gleamed a sinister orange colour that looked ugly set against the deep blue of the impossibly huge sky. Tom almost reeled on the spot from the acrid stench of molten metal and plastic. He swallowed hard, trying not to think about what he might find among the remnants in question.

Hamilton’s razor-sharp voice made him jump right out of his skin.

“What happened? Who did this?”

Tom tore his gaze from the wreck of the lorry to his superior, who was striding up between the campfires with a couple of agents in tow, cold fury etched across his usually solemn face. He walked right up to Tom and O’Connell and stopped just in front of them, grey eyes glaring. O’Connell stared back. His expression might have been carved on his face with a hammer and chisel.

“You…” Hamilton snarled, and Tom almost recoiled, relieved not to be on the receiving end of that snarl. “You have something to do with this, I just know it. Don’t even try to deny it.”

“I don’t know what you’re ranting about,” O’Connell retorted quietly, not looking away. “I didn’t go anywhere near that truck since your goons gave me the thing they call ‘stew’. You can ask ‘em.”

“Where were you, then, when the lorry exploded?” the Englishman all but spat, and Tom couldn’t help gaping slightly at his dispassionate boss almost losing control. In contrast, O’Connell looked remarkably calm – and remarkably cold, too.

“I was helping the others with the camels. They looked like they could do with some help and I didn’t want to have to walk tomorrow.”

Hamilton glowered silently at O’Connell for a couple of seconds, then leaned in for a conspiratorial harsh whisper. “I will get you for this, believe you me. I just know you’re behind all this… mayhem. I will get you for this.”

O’Connell’s teeth gleamed in the low glow of the wreck. “Can’t wait to see you try.”

Hamilton must have sensed the dangerous quality of O’Connell’s grim, mirthless smile. He stepped back and his cold, aloof persona snapped back into place as he turned to the other agents awaiting instructions behind him.

“If you would be so kind as to retrieve the Stan Laurel half of your comedy duo act, Mr O’Connell, we will leave all that can be spared behind and ride through the night. Gentlemen, I give you twenty minutes to get ready. If luck is on our side, we should reach the Pyramid of Ahm Shere by tomorrow evening.”

He straightened his jacket, and his ice-cold eyes fell on Tom, who fervently hoped the shudder that went through him was not too obvious. “If I were you, Ferguson,” he breathed, and Tom’s heart skipped a beat at his tone, “I would show more care as to the company I keep. This could cause trouble in the end – to you and to your lovely wife.”

Tom gulped, and straightened his back as he nodded. A wave of cold went through him at the thought of what this man was implying, as well as – not for the first time – a helpless sort of fury. He squeezed his jaw shut before he could blurt out something that would threaten Liz’s safety even more, and Hamilton walked away, giving him a nasty parting look. Tom felt hollow and sick, and as he turned back to what was left of the lorry his heart bobbed up in his throat. If on top of all that Jon was somewhere in there…

O’Connell had turned as well, and was scanning the wreck with a hard look on his face Tom hadn’t seen him wear before. His eyes hardened with each passing second as nothing moved amidst the ruined bits and pieces of the lorry.

Suddenly there was an odd noise right next to them, like a strangled throat clearing, and both men turned around sharply. Whatever had been wringing and twisting Tom’s stomach since the explosion released its grip, his heart slid down to its usual place in his chest, and he could see O’Connell’s shoulders sag almost imperceptibly. Then he felt his eyes go very round.

Jonathan was standing there, very much alive but wild-eyed, shaking, covered in soot and sand from head to toe, curly hair standing on end. His blue eyes gleamed out of his sooty face with a heartfelt fury that was almost as bad as Tom remembered flinching at just before he got punched in the face in the basement of the British Consulate.

“You,” he eventually articulated in a tone not so different from Hamilton’s, pointing a badly shaking finger at O’Connell, who stood his ground stonily, his arms folded across his chest, “you… you absolute, utter – that was so completely – you really have no idea –”

His jumbled words seemed to tumble out of his mouth as though speech failed to describe the apparent monumental stupidity of O’Connell’s idea of a diversion. After a moment he seemed to give up trying to speak and just stood there open-mouthed, accusing finger still pointed at the American.

Tom’s gaze shifted swiftly from Jon to O’Connell, whose face slowly lit up in a broad, genuine grin.

“Y’know,” he said after a few seconds, “years ago when I first met you, I thought you were a boozy slacker in need of a proper spine.”

The words took some sinking in, but in the end Jon snapped his mouth shut and glared up at O’Connell, looking even more aggravated.

“Charming,” he barked. “Meaning you bloody changed your mind since?”

O’Connell took his time to answer, and Tom, realising he was enjoying it immensely, allowed himself to sag a little bit from the sheer relief of seeing his mate alive and swearing. The American cast his brother-in-law an appraising sort of look, then, finally, gave another huge grin of his. His round blue eyes twinkled.

“Yeah, kinda.”

Then, looking more serious, he asked, “Nothing broken or twisted, no burns?”

On top of the obvious, Jonathan looked like someone with a bad case of brain whiplash. When the question registered, he blinked. Then blinked again.

“…No?”

“Good.”

And O’Connell walked off cheerfully after briefly patting Jon’s shoulder, lifting a small cloud of soot as he did so. Tom watched him bemusedly while Jon’s eyes were still glued to the empty space where O’Connell had stood seconds before; then he whirled round to try to catch his friend when Jon’s knees gave out and he collapsed in a heap on the ground. He just sat there, still staring into space with an odd look that was halfway between fury and a sort of astonishment.

Tom refrained from chuckling and bent to check if Jon had come back to his very own brand of normality.

“Oh, by the way,” O’Connell said as an afterthought, making Tom start and look up. The American turned to them, thus walking backwards. “You might wanna –” there he gestured wiping imaginary dust off his face “– because Hamilton’s not that dense. If you turn up like that, he’s bound to reach some conclusions.” And he left with a grin.

His was a very good point, Tom noted, and he proceeded to search his pockets for a handkerchief that might do the trick. Preferably one that he didn’t care too much about, because there wasn’t a square inch of Jon’s face that wasn’t covered in soot.

In the meantime, Jon seemed to be recovering from the blast of the explosion and the sheer shock of it. His shaking was dying down. He finally shook his head, looking still exasperated but calmer.

“Impossible. Talk about bloody diversion. I’m never pulling a stunt like that again, ever. The man is impossible.” He moved into a more comfortable sitting position, and winced slightly. “Fact is, I’m getting a bit old for this sort of thing, possibly.”

“Possibly, Jon,” Tom said with a grin, handing him the handkerchief. “None of us is getting any younger. It’s been a long time since I didn’t wake up in the morning aching in various places1.”

Jon accepted the proffered bit of cloth with a thanks and began to wipe the soot off his face. Tom’s comment got a small grin.

“Well, I suppose it’s your lot in life if you like sleeping out on the ground – you know, being a secret agent and whatnot. Still, I hope that this ‘delay’ thing worked and I didn’t get all singed like that for nothing.”

The only thing that Tom could offer there was a rather embarrassed silence. While the plan itself had gone on smoothly enough for the most part, the results had clearly not met their expectations. If anything, it had reinforced Hamilton’s determination for all of them to be on their way to Ahm Shere as quickly as possible.

Jon quickly deduced from Tom’s silence that not everything had gone as planned, and his face fell. “Oh, don’t.”

“Sorry, Jon,” said Tom sympathetically. “Hamilton decided to leave all the gear behind and travel by night. He’s expecting to see us on our camels and be off in… ten minutes, I guess.”

Jon groaned. “Fantastic. A whole night on a bloody camel. If someone snores, I’ll kill him.”

Tom snorted. “I needed those hours of sleep too, but I imagine we’ll have to make do without them, won’t we?” He reached down to Jon, who grabbed his hand and staggered up. He swayed a little, but remained in an upright position, to his great relief it seemed.

“Thanks. You know what?” he said, taking off his jacket to shake all the soot he could from it. “When this whole mess is over and done with, I’ll get you a drink at the Sultan’s Casbah. You never got to see the inside of it, did you? It’s always crowded and rather seedy, but the whiskey isn’t bad and the beer is better. As good a place to get plastered as any, and I think both of us need that.”

“And you’ll buy the rounds?”

The idea was appealing – assuming they would see this mess over and done with, of course. Jon made a show of hesitating, but shrugged with a grin. “Yeah, all right.”

Tom felt a similar grin make its way on his face. In the chaos of the past week he had almost forgotten how good it felt to have this normal a conversation with a friend. The shock and fear – brief enough, but violent – that had followed the explosion of the lorry had very much calmed down by now. While the constant dull anxiety that never left him since he had known Liz was held prisoner somewhere was still there, gnawing at his stomach, knowing that Jon and him were back on the same side was an encouraging thought.

“That’s a deal, then. C’mon.”

Plus, when Jon was agreeing to buy the rounds, it was rarely a bad omen.

.⅋.

Re. waking up in the morning “aching in various places”, in the immortal words of the Monty Python’s Dennis, “I’m 37, I’m not old.” These guys are 41 or 42, we’re fairly close in age. But I do often wake up in the morning with little cricks and aches, mainly in the back.

[negasonicimagines]

Thanks, Wade.

Finally, someone other than Dawna has given me an idea to run with! Thanks so much to @ceylon-morphe286​ !! You’re an absolute sweetheart and I had so much fun working with you to create this piece!! (Also, I know Deadpool doesn’t hurt kids, but for comedic purposes let’s just say he does. And, clearly, he’s a good enough marksman to miss on purpose, so he could be fucking with you.)

The battle was quite graphic, you honestly don’t know how you got in the middle of it. One second, you were strolling around the city, listening to Danger Days, the next you were in danger. A boulder flies at your head, and you’re shoved out of the way.

“Hey, dumbass, are you trying to get yourself killed?!”

“You saved me,” you say, gaping at the angel in front of you.

“Kind of my job, shit-for-brains.”

“Thank you, for saving my life and all,” is all you have to say.

“We’ve been over this. It’s what I do. Weirdo. Scram!”

-

“Agh! What did I do?!” You question the red-suited superhero-looking guy who’s currently shooting at you.

“You bought the last chocolate chip cookie!” he yells back, chasing you through the streets.

Until you’re clipped by a bus.

“Oh my god, she fuckin’ dead,” Wade references a Vine.

“Deadpool!” Your rescuer from the other day groans, recognizing you. “I just saved her life, could you try not ending it?”

“B..but my cookie…”

“Who gives a fuck?” She asks him, before turning her attention to you. “Where are you hurt?”

“I, uh… I might have a bruise on my shin?”

She looks at you critically, and when she helps you up, her hand touching yours, even for a second, makes you blush.

“You’re really lucky you’re not, y’know, dead. That bus was speeding and ran a red light,” She explains, and you barely manage to hear her, too focused on her face. “What’s with that dopey expression of yours? You don’t have a concussion, do you? I don’t want to deal with that.”

“Um… N-no concussion, I don’t think…”

“Good. Well, uh, see you around, I guess. Since you keep getting in danger and all.”

-

You were helping your cousin’s girl scout troop sell cookies by supervising them as they went door to door when the apartment you were in lit up in flames. All that was there was a Janitor’s cart, and the fire was getting closer and closer. It was blocking your way to the door, but you were close to the window.

“Toss the cleaners out the window so they don’t blow up,” you tell the girls, not even sure where that came from. Fire department is taking too long. “Hey, you guys learned how to braid, right?”

The girls, all terrified, nod. You offer them giant rolls of toilet paper. “Let’s get closer to the window, and we can braid it tight, long, and fast, okay? And then we’ll braid those braids together, to make a rope.”

You and the four girls you’re with work as hard as you can. The fire department gets there once you’re done, and the girls climb down the rope and safely land on the trampoline. They can only get down one at a time, and you’re sure you weigh as much as at the very least one and a half of them.

You accept your fate, glad you could at least help the little girls get to safety when she comes in.

“It’s about time I introduced myself, considering I’ve saved your stupid ass so many times. Negasonic Teenage Warhead.”

“Is that your real name?”

“Fuck no! What kind of shitty ass parents do you think I have? Come on, I’m fireproof, I’ll help you get to safety, whatever your probably dumb and totally not a cool code-name name is.”

“Y/N,” you tell her.

Damn it, why’s she gotta have a name as pretty as her face? Ellie thinks, taking your hand and leading you out of the flames, tossing flaming wreckage out of the way and allowing you to escape.

-

“Are you trying to kill yourself?” She asks.

“No, I was looking at the sunset. And then I fell.”

She snickers cruelly at this as her mentor reaches down and plucks you from where you dangle off the edge of your roof.

“Young one, there are many resources if you are feeling sad. This is not a solution.”

“I’m not trying to kill myself, I promise!” You inform them. “...I’m just clumsy, that’s all,” you add shyly.

-

You’re at the farmer’s market about to pluck an apple from a pyramid of fruits.

“Stop right there, Klutzy McGee, you’re not even touching that!” Deadpool stops you.

“Please don’t shoot me! There are plenty of other apples.”

“What? I’m not gonna shoot you, I’m gonna take you to your girlfriend!” He informs.

“I- I don’t have a girlfriend,” you tell DP, maybe he’s got you confused for someone else.

“Not yet!” He chirps, dragging you along by your wrist to a rather large home, well, a mansion. He knocks hard on the door and none other than Negasonic Teenage Warhead answers.

“I got your girlfriend!” He says cheerfully, and you blush deeply, but shake your head.

“She’s...Not my girlfriend.”

“Don’t be like that, Nega-hedgehog YA Novel Atomic Thing! You two would make a great couple!”

She looks at him skeptically, and then you, with a concerned expression. You realize you probably look like a tomato on steroids.

“You’re not going to spontaneously combust, are you? That gig’s kinda taken,” she informs you. ‘Do you want me to call the police?’ she mouths, and you shake your head.

“Ah, Deadpool and Y/N! Come in, have lunch!” Colossus says cheerfully.

You all eat BLTs, though Wade insists on having a knife with his to “feast upon it as the ancient lettuce-hunters would have.”

“So, Y/N, what would you like to do with your future?”

“I don’t know. I like helping people, maybe I’ll do something like be a nurse or a teacher.”

“Ooh, I like that!” Deadpool comments, gesturing with his steak knife and making you a little uneasy. You just know something bad is gonna happen with that knife.

“Ellie, pay attention,” Colossus requests, placing a hand on her shoulder. She shrugs it off, turning up the volume on her headphones to the point where you can hear it.

“You like MCR too?” You ask her.

“Uh, yeah… How can you hear this?”

“You have it cranked up really high,” you inform her.

“I can not hear it,” Piotr informs, and DP agrees. The two look curious.

“Oh, it’s nothing special. Just good hearing.”

“Well, damn. I was hoping you’d have an excuse to spend more time to spend with that grouchy teen over the-” He gestures towards Negasonic with the knife, and accidentally throws it at her face. You manage to catch it rather close to her face, gripping the blade. Blood drips down your wrist from your hand, and she looks at it with wide eyes, as does the rest of the group. “I stand corrected.”

“That is not normal, young one,” Colossus informs.

“Really? I’m sure she had no clue that it wasn’t completely fucking normal to catch knives thrown at people’s faces by a mercenary!” Deadpool snarks.

“Well done,” Ellie remarks, not to you, but to Wade’s sass skills.

“Have you always had such fast reflexes, Y/N?” Piotr asks.

“Uh, I mean, I guess. I would say I’ve been more, more lucky than anything.”

“But you’re always in trouble!” DP disagrees.

“And I’m not dead,” you point out.

“Ah…” Colossus sighs pensively.

Wade gets out one of his many knives from his belt and tosses it at Ellie. You catch this one as well, with your other hand.

“What the hell, Wilson?! Trying to kill me, now?”

“Not at all. Trying to get Y/N to save you. Ooh, watch this!” He aims so it’ll barely brush her shoulder, not that anyone else knows that when he shoots the pistol.

You catch the bullet between your wounded hands like a fly, feeling the burn.

“She’s totally a superhero, Iron Dick! Wait, that’s better for a different superhero in the Marvel universe, forget I said that one.”

“I’m not a superhero, I can barely take care of myself, let alone save people.”

“You saved Ellie three times from one of the best hit men in the world.”

“Well, I only saved her because-”

“Because you want to fuck her!” Wade cuts you off, and you look scandalized, a blush creeping onto your cheeks. Piotr and Ellie look at him like he’s insane, which he is, but- “What?! I see the goo-goo eyes Y/N gives her when she rescues her. I see the way Ellie looks at Y/N’s ass! Someone had to say something!”

You wish the ground underneath you would just vanish, you’re so embarrassed by his words that you don’t even notice his comment about Ellie checking you out.

“Y/N, would you like to join us? You are a gifted young girl and...”

“In case you missed the sign, this is kind of a place for gifted young people,” Wade finishes.

“I- I don’t really think I can help you, I’m sorry,” you deny his request.

“You can. I saw what you did for those girl scouts, and you said you wanted to help people earlier, right?” So, she was listening.

At Ellie’s insistence, you decide: “Oh.. Okay.”

“Yes! Another moody teen to annoy! Finally! I can’t get a rise out of any of the others!”

“Let us take you to the infirmary,” Piotr says.

“I’ll do it,” Ellie offers, walking you down the halls of the surprisingly quiet school. Deadpool follows closely behind, wanting to hear every detail of his OTP’s conversation.

The nurse, a mutant with the power to heal others, quickly fixes your wounds.

“Thanks for doing that, earlier. Saving me, I mean.” “W-well, I mean, I had to make it up to you s-somehow. All- All those times y-you saved me, I mean…” You tell her, more shy now that it’s pretty much just the two of you. You stand, walking over to the sink to wash the gunpowder off your hands. You lean against the counter, but you slip on a stray glob of  hand-sanitizer that happened to be on the floor, grabbing onto a cot for purchase and trying to get up only causing you to slip more and more until you give up and let your face smush into the hardwood floor.

Ellie giggles at this, and you swear she sounds like an angel when she laughs.

You get up, rubbing your nose.

“Y’know, if you want to be one of the big shots like Colossus or whatever, you’re gonna have to be a lot less clumsy than that.”

Wade crashes into the infirmary. “Y’all having sex yet? I brought popcorn and dental dams!”

You and Ellie both look at him, like ‘WTF DUDE I’M TRYING BUT YOU KEEP COCK-BLOCKING!’

“Uh… I’m gonna go make some chimichangas. Lucky by Britney Spears, you better confess to Moody Teen Number Three before she puts those earbuds back in!” He dashes away.

“Why does he feel the need to play Fairy God-merc?” You ask her pitifully.

“Confess what to me…?” she asks you.

“Um- Uh- I- I killed the Easter Bunny!” You sigh, isntead deciding to tell the truth: “No, uh… I like you. LIke, uh, like-like you. I think you’re really pretty and mysterious and funny, and, I’m not really any of those things, so it’s cool if you don’t feel that way about me, but-”

She laughs at you, like it’s so funny that someone as horrid as you would like her. “You..Like me?”

“Yeah, it’s dumb, I know, sorry for wasting your ti-” Ellie grabs your arm as soon as you turn around, and kisses you.

Oh, you think. Thanks, Wade.

[princessofthedarkrealm]

Dark Phoenix Rising- Chapter 9

(I am soooo sorry that it took so long for me to get this out.)

There was no denying that you weren’t in Walter’s bed anymore. The pain. It assaulted not just your nerves, but the very bones in your back felt like someone had broken them apart and then reformed them. You tried to sit up and whimpered as a jolt of pain shot through the middle of your back. You were covered up with something. A brown coat. You laid your head back down, closing your eyes and jumped when you felt a hand on your temple. Your eyes flew open.

You had never been so happy to see the person now crouched over you.

“Roland,” you breathed.

The gunslinger rubbed your temples. “I’m here. Can you move?”

“My back,” you gasped at another jolt of pain, “hurts. It doesn’t,” you swallowed the lump in your parched throat, “feel right.”

“Can you roll onto your side?”

You did as he asked. It didn’t take as much effort and pain as trying to sit up did. You felt a bead of sweat drip down your forehead.

“Oh my God.”

You didn’t like the fear you heard in Roland’s voice. “What?”

“Uh…Roland, is that normal?”

Another voice. This one a boy’s.

“Roland, who is that?” You craned to look over your shoulder and could just barely make out a tall lanky boy with light brown hair. “Roland, can you please tell me what the hell you’re looking at?”

“Your back looks like…it has something trying to poke out of it. Two of them. They look kind of pointy.”

That was the boy again. You felt a cold fear wash over you. Poking out? You remembered a dream you had had several nights ago. You were flying.

And you’d had wings. You closed your eyes and tried like hell to fight your rapidly rising panic.

“Y/N?”

You felt Roland’s hand on your shoulder.

“Can you try to sit up?”

As you did so, you felt a shifting in your back and a tight pull. You stopped halfway up.

“Roland…”

You closed your eyes and let out a shaky breath. Something was not right, was changing in you somehow. You let out a sob.

Roland squeezed your arm. “I’m right here. Whatever you need, I’m right here.”

And he was. He finally was. But deep inside you ached for Walter. Even if he wouldn’t know what was going on, he could at least take some of the pain away. You imagined his arms around you, holding you tight against him. Somehow the image helped you to calm down a bit. You took a deep breath.

Another step towards your destined path. That’s all this was. And like everything else incredibly crazy or painful that had happened to you, you were just going to have to go with it.

You clutched at the coat that you now realized had been Roland’s. He was so thoughtful. And he cared for you so deeply. You hated that you would have to hurt him, but right now there was no way that you could think of him as more than a friend. But friendship was all you could afford to give. And it was the best thing you needed. You noticed the scratches on your arms. And then you remembered.

You handed Roland his coat and at the same time staggered to your feet. You glanced up at the trees above you.

“I fell.” Your voice was hollow.

“Yes, sweetheart, you did.”

The boy inclined his head towards you. “So you were flying.”

You glanced at him. “Astral projection. I was looking for Roland. And I…” You were afraid to ask, but she had to. “Roland, have you seen Pennywise? Or Walter? Since you found me?”

He shook his head. “No one. Why do you ask?”

“I saw them.” You pointed upwards and to the right. “They were on top of the mountain. They were fighting, or were about to.”

You took a few steps forward. The ground was cool and lumpy beneath your feet. You glanced down. Of course you were barefooted. And still in your nightgown to boot.

You sighed. “I need to sit down.”

“They had a stump somewhere towards here.” The boy pointed behind him.

Your steps were tentative as you followed him. Roland kept his hand on your back the whole time. Still supportive and protective.

“Wait, so Walter was here?” the boy inquired.

“Near here. On the mountain. I don’t know where he is now.”

Sure enough there was a fallen tree. The edges of the stump were jagged.

“Here.” Roland placed his coat on the stump, the outside facing down.

You sat down heavily. Roland crouched down in front of you.

“Are you…hurting anywhere else? Besides your back and limbs?”

You glanced at him from under your eyelashes. Did he mean the baby? Or was he implying something else?

“I’m fine.”

Surprisingly your stomach did feel fine. Not a trace of nausea at all. Your back however… It did feel like something was trying to poke out of you back. You let out a huff of air and rocked forward.

Roland’s hand covered one of yours. “What is it?”

“I just…” You glanced away from him, your anxiety starting to spike again.

“Is it the baby?”

You shook your head. “My back, Roland. What if it stays like this? I don’t know what it means.”

You didn’t notice Roland glance at the boy.

“I think I might.”

You glanced up then. The boy reached down into some kind of bag. He seemed to be looking for something. Finally he pulled out a piece of paper. Your eyes grew to the size of saucers as you took the page from his hand.

It was you. It had to be you. It was from behind, but you recognized your own side profile. But that wasn’t what freaked you out.

Wings. You had wings. And you were holding some kind of sword.

You glanced up in awe at the boy. “Who are you?”

**********

The right side of Pennywise’s face still burned. Luckily his costume had absorbed most of the magical blast or he would have been in trouble. He could still hear his mate’s unearthly scream, like a banshee or a demon. Who exactly had she been trying to hit, he wondered as he slunk off into the trees. He wanted to tear Walter apart. Tear him apart and then feast on his flesh. So his mate was now officially Walter’s mistress. His claws extended at the thought. He needed to rest. And to feed. He could always find his mate later. He always did.

And he always would. And no one was going to change that.

**********

Your spirit felt numb as you listened to the boy, he had introduced himself as Jake Chambers, completed his story.  So Walter was just like Pennywise after all, targeting children. You didn’t realize Jake had finished speaking until you glanced up and saw both him and Roland staring mutely at you.

Your eyes traveled back down to the small pile of drawings in your hands. The top one was of Walter in front of the pyramid. There had also been one of you and Roman. And of course the one where you had wings. You pulled out the one of the Tower. For some reason you were filled with a feeling of homesickness.

“And you said you went through a portal in New York?”

Jake gave a nod. “Yeah.”

You stood and held out his drawings. You cocked an eyebrow at him. “In a house on Dutch Hill?”

And astonished look came over Jake’s face. He glanced at Roland, then back at you. “Yeah. That’s it. How did you know?” He took the drawings from you.

You stepped closer to him. “Because I went there. Yesterday.”

Now it was Roland’s turn to look uncomfortable. You turned your gaze upon him.

“With Walter.”

The air grew so still, you could hear crickets chirping.

“Walter took you…back to your world.”

You nodded at the gunslinger.

“So you were with Walter this whole time,” said Jake.

Your stomach knotted. Please don’t ask for details.

“What’s he like? Is he as bad as I’ve seen in my dreams?”

“He’s uh…complicated.” You crossed your arms over your midsection and turned your back to Jake. “Very complicated. I’ve never…” you saw in your mind Walter standing before you in his bedroom. Never advancing on you. Giving you your space. Making sure you were cared for. “I’ve never met anyone like him.”

“And let’s just hope you never have to again.”

You felt Roland’s hand on your arm, his touch as soft as his voice. You wanted to tell him how wrong he was. That things weren’t over between you and Walter. Not even by a long shot. But instead you decided to study your surroundings. Large rocky formations dotted the landscape, but the trees were by far more numerous. Definitely some kind of foothills.

“So where are we, anyway?” You took a step forward, causing Roland to lose contact with you.

“The Great Western Woods. This is just the tip of it. We still have a long way to go.”

You turned back to face Roland. “Go where?”

“There is a village of seers. They will be able to read Jake’s visions.”

You raised your eyebrows at Roland. So I guess they’ll want to read my mind as well. That should be interesting. “Well that’s good. We can find out where Walter is, because I have no idea. I just know which direction. I didn’t pay attention to how far I traveled.”

“So that pyramid thing in my picture. That’s where Walter was keeping you at?”

You nodded.

“You didn’t see the machine did you?” Jake asked.

“I just saw some computers. I think it helps them to monitor what’s going on with the portals. Maybe other things as well, but I don’t know what.”

“We need to get moving. I would…prefer if you were better dressed,” said Roland.

He was still holding on to his coat.

“Yeah um…where are your shoes?” Jake asked.

You sighed. “Walter’s bedroom. I hadn’t been up for long when I decided to look for Roland.”

As soon as the words left your mouth, you wished you could take them back. You had pretty much just verified that there was something going on between you and Walter. Your face flamed up as your gaze went back and forth between Roland and Jake. Roland’s expression had grown hard and you had known him long enough to be able to tell that he was trying to not say something. And Jake. You had seen that expression before. The day Bill had found out about you and Pennywise.

You were tired of talking. Hell you were just tired period. Your back was killing you. And several spots on your arms and legs burned like fire from all the cuts and flash burns from falling through the trees. But Roland was right. The three of you needed to move onward. But first you needed to find some adequate foot apparel. And since yours were miles and miles away, you would have to try something else.

Jake scratched his head. “So uh…which way should we head?”

You automatically pointed to the north. “Somewhere in that general direction.”

“I think he’s talking about the seers.”

“Oh.” Shit. You dropped your arm.

You were automatically thinking about the pyramid. You shot Roland a sheepish glance. He frowned at you. Time to lighten the mood.

“So,” you clasped your hands together, lacing your fingertips, “shoes. I need shoes.” You pointed at your feet.

“I guess there’s no Macy’s around here,” Jake said.

You laughed. “You got that right.”

“Macy’s?” Roland shot you and Jake a confused glance.

“It’s a department store,” you confirmed. “No, I uh…I’ve been wanting to try something. Something that I’ve seen Walter do.”

“Y/N…”

Roland’s tone was both warning and worry. You ignored him. You tried to imagine what your boots felt like on your feet. Head tilted to the sky, you closed your eyes and straightened out your arms, fingers pointed down towards your feet. You had never actually tried to use Walter’s magic before, so to be on the safe side, you tapped into your Tower magic just enough to keep you stable.

Your whole body started to feel different. It was the same sensation that you had felt the first time you had fully tapped into your powers, back in Tull. A ripple of energy spread through your frame. You started breathing heavily. You felt a warm sensation around your feet and then you could feel it. Something was definitely forming down there. And then you felt something else, something soft and sinewy slithering across your body. The sinews started to thicken and widen. You started shaking. And then you lost it. You collapsed to your knees. You opened your eyes and gasped. A light grey shimmer surrounded you, but evaporated quick as mist. Your stomach heaved. You gagged.

Roland crouched down next to you and put a hand on your back. “Breathe.”

You swallowed as your gag reflex flared up.

Roland rubbed your back. “Try to focus on your breathing.”

You held your breath. Blew it out through your mouth. You shivered. Roland draped his coat over you. Then he moved in front of you.

You smiled at him. “I got my boots back,” you said with a raised eyebrow.

“Yes you did.” He rubbed your temple. “Can you stand?”

You stood on shaky feet and swayed. Roland put his hands on your shoulders. “You should sit down for a minute.”

You didn’t argue with him on that one. You pulled Roland’s coat around you and like a drunk person, made your way back to your stump. The fact that you felt soles beneath your feet and not the hard ground anymore was a hallmark to the fact that your powers were indeed intensifying.

And for just an instant you felt a pang of sadness that Walter hadn’t been there to witness it. You wiggled your feet around and without warning, tears started to rise up. Roland crouched down in front of you and gently placed his right hand on your left forearm.

“I did it, Roland. I actually did it.” A tear fell. “I can control my powers.”

“You did good, sweetheart. You did really good. And you got free from Walter.”

You squeezed your eyes shut. Two more tears fell. Roland started to massage your arm with his thumb. He had no idea, absolutely no idea that the past day and the evening before that had been not only one of the nicest that you had had since coming to Mid-World, but one of the nicest you’d had in almost two months. You and Pennywise’s relationship had crumbled so fast, almost as fast as it had begun. And even though you had yet to develop any true romantic feelings towards Walter, you had felt a peace with him that you had been beginning to believe would never be possible for you again. And now you had found out that Walter was stealing children with psychic abilities to help bring down the Tower. Surprisingly you weren’t as upset as you should have been. Maybe it was because you were so used to guys that were into that kind of stuff. Or maybe it was because no matter what, Walter wasn’t redeemable. Or it could be because maybe, just maybe…

He was.

And that was the one hope, above all others, that you were not letting go of.

No matter what.

@booklover2929  @grotesquegabby  @messoria109  @allkundsofwrong  @pinoflicious  @mummerthemimo  @tomuchofaclownlover  @hoe-for-daddywise

[noexit-ff]

16.

Pushing the bed covers back as I got up from the bed, I can’t even deal, it’s too in this bedroom and Robyn is all over me. She is making me sweat even more, getting up out of the bed. We are still in Barbados but it’s not all that bad, Monica adores me though. She is spoiling me, Ronald is banned from the home and Rajad does speak to me but Rorrey doesn’t but I don’t care. It’s ok here, I am enjoying it but I do miss home. Robyn hasn’t spoken about a baby for a whole ass two days, she is so happy here. I have never seen Robyn so happy, she is making me smile with the way she is. Monica had a few visitors and they was all wanting to see Robyn and her husband, the people are funny here. Especially the family friends, they are so odd at times. Robyn also washed my clothes and nobody can find them so someone stole my clothes, I think it was those family friends that came so Robyn keeps everything locked now, I don’t know how it happened to be honest. Looking down at my phone, I can’t be bothered to answer it all. I have got a tan, I look two shades darker and a whole lot more hairier, I need a haircut. I am so itchy with this beard too, I should fly out my barber because only god knows how long we will be here for.

Stroking the dog’ head as I made my way to the kitchen, I think they are in there “Majesty, will you quit playing!” Noella spat, seeing Majesty running towards me but she stopped and looked up at me “see, uncle Chris will get annoyed. Come back here and eat” smiling at her, she got ever so sad and turned back around “why are you making me out to be bad? I am soft as fuck, I mean hell” Monica done told me off about cussing “what did you say Christopher!?” Noella laughed as I stared all wide eyed walking into the kitchen “I said, I am hungry” I lied “I thought so, try this. I made it fresh, coconut bread. What would you like to eat?” sitting on the bar stool “it’s cool , I will get it. Is this nice?” I pointed at the coconut bread “try it Chris, tell him Majesty. Tell uncle Chris how nice it is” Majesty nodded her head at me “mmhmmm nice” I chuckled “aight, I will try” breaking some of it off “if this is not nice, I am blaming you little miss Majesty” biting into the kind of hard texture, frowning as I chewed down “it’s like, a cookie. A weird and different one” Noella rolled her eyes at me “cookie, you’re so American” it’s nice though, I shrugged biting down some more “we will make him into a Barbadian boy” Monica added.

I know I am in Barbados but the milk here tastes not as nice as the milk at home, I am missing home so much “what are you doing today?” Noella poked Rajad saying “nowhere, maybe see dad or get my hair cut” my ears perked up “I need my hair done” I added “well, she is asleep. Why don’t you and Rajad walk with me to the shop and you can see more family and more of Barbados Chris. Let Robyn sleep, you can come with us. I known Robyn is overprotective but Auntie, he will be ok right?” they treat me like a child, like Robyn’ child “it’s only Barbados” Monica waved me off “you will be ok, Rajad will take good care of him” Rajad smiled at his mom “the guy that cuts my hair, he is really good. I think he will get extra happy to see you, you will like it. Rihanna is boring” I think it will be dope “yeah, I will come. I need my hair done and shave this beard off” I might as well see the damn shop they keep telling me about, it’s a family thing I guess.

Majesty actually wanted me to pick her up, she is a cutie though “this is the shop, come” Noella waved me in, Majesty placed her arm around my neck. It’s a cute clothes store, nodding my head “oohh we have a visitor” Robyn’ auntie soon got up from her seat “I ain’t come to shop, I come to see y’all” I lied, I can just hype it up “look at my grand baby, she is loving you” hugging Robyn’ auntie “so good to see you, you can have anything here for free” she said, I laughed looking around the store “you think I would look good in these things?” I said with my free arm around her “well your mom, she will like things” she is right “you right but I don’t know what to get my mom, you know what. You tell me” moving my arm back from her, digging into my pocket “give me” pulling out the notes I can get “five hundred worth” she gasped “oh no no, you family. No money, if you want to help. You give to the poor kids out there” she pushed my hand back “I will send your mom some things, Noella help me” Robyn’ Auntie walked off with Noella.

Turning to Rajad “what poor kids?” I asked him, Rajad smiled at me “just out there, if you turn left and go around the block. You will see the kids finding things on the floor but I don’t recommend you to go or you can give this to a school centre, come” he waved me over “Auntie, we will be back” he shouted, I don’t want to be chased and robbed, I hope Rajad knows where he is going “the school is just here, randomly. This school has such minimum things, Rihanna gives here too ” letting out an oh, fixing Majesty in my arm. This building has seen better days too, I mean anybody can just walk in, the school doesn’t even seem like a school either “where are you going?” I asked, he is walking around like it’s his home “I told you Chris, Rihanna donates here and I know the man who runs it” letting out an oh, Rajad knocked on the door. The man waved him in from the glass window, he shot up from his seat “Chris Brown?” he said pointing “hi” he walked over to me and shook my hand “Chris Brown, wow. Rajad, so good to see you” the guy is still shaking my hand, I wish he didn’t “well we need to go, just a quick visit” I said moving my hand back “I want to donate money to your school” I feel bad and want to give more “donate? Oh wow, no need too Chris!” he said, smiling at him “I want too, I will donate ten thousand” I cannot give five hundred, Rajad eyeballed me “I will be in touch” I couldn’t help it, this school looks so bad and I feel bad to just give that.

I have been oversleeping recently, I am such a lazy bitch. Chris is awake already, it’s the afternoon too. Stretching my body out, I always sleep well in Barbados. I just wish I wake up to my man being in bed with me but he wakes up early, I knew my phone was ringing. Picking my phone up from the side “hello” I said without looking at the caller I.D “hi Rihanna, it’s Jay” of course it is “oh yeah, did you get my message? Will I see you in London or you letting Jen deal with me?” I haven’t told Chris I am going to London after Barbados “Jen, I will keep in contact. Puma are happy to have you on board but also, Chris. They want Chris, Fenty Puma? I mean you said you want to stop Fenty, they accepted Fenty-Brown Puma but as long as Chris is on board, they want him to do their clothes because they love his style” these assholes always got some terms “right, well I can’t say yes. I need to speak to him, he has Black Pyramid so put a hold on that. Also if you can set me a outline of a tour timetable for America, we can start there ok?” I need to stop being so down, I need to start looking to the future with my husband and let life take it’s path.

This home is so quiet, is anybody home “hello boy” the dog ran over, seeing my mom sat with my grandfather “you always sleeping!” my mom half shouted “I know, did Chris eat? Where is he?” I am so useless “you are a wife Robyn, you need to be awake and ready for your man!” here my mom goes “you need to be cooking for him, you not Rihanna, you are Robyn. You don’t get no cook, you do it for your husband” I am sure I have heard this before “ok mom, where is he?” my grandfather is laughing “he went out with Noella and Rajad” frowning at my mom “why? Why has he gone out? Mom he doesn’t know this place!” I don’t like him being out with anybody “Robyn, stop it. He is with family, he is with family he knows. What is wrong with you” rubbing my temples “wrong? Mom, he is Chris Brown not just anybody. I want to look after him, he doesn’t understand these streets. I swear Rajad better look after him” turning around to walk in the kitchen, why would he go out when he knows I don’t like him going without me.

I could ring him but then I look clingy and then my family laugh, I just don’t like him being far away from me. I mean he is not far but he shouldn’t be out there, there is bad people in Barbados too and he is famous, what if someone holds him up at gun point, I feel sick. I can’t eat this, pushing the plate back “sweetie, what is wrong? I have been watching you from there?” my grandfather walked up to me “just thinking, I am ok” I smiled at him “I hope you are not worrying yourself” I sighed out, he knows me well “Clara would be so happy, she would always say. Go with your heart, Chris is your heart Robyn. He good to you baby?” smiling wide “he treats me a like a queen, just like gran gran said. Get someone who worships you and I have, he is the best” I gushed “I just feel so clingy to him, I just want him back close to me. He doesn’t know these people” my grandfather held my hand “he is with good people ok?” nodding my head “I am so happy for you, he is a good kid. I remember him being that, young kids in love made silly young mistakes” smiling at him, he is the best “you like him a lot don’t you?” he nodded his head.

Catching up with my shows, I have the house to myself. Well I don’t but my mom is busy so I thought I will catch up with love and hip hop, at one point I thought I would see Chris on this. He was just spiralling down this path and nobody was helping him, I for one didn’t help because I was so blind sided by my peers, I was so stupid. I am just glad he is out of that dark hole and he is with me, in my arms. I want to protect him, my baby “fuck” I said in a whisper, I miss him already. I want him to complain how hot it is and I am being too close to him, smiling to myself “here you are” hearing Noella say, my head shot up looking behind Noella “what?” Noella froze, frowning at the emptiness “where is Chris!?” I don’t understand “oh, Rajad took him to get his hair done, we went to the shop. He got his mom things” she held the bags up “and I think they are going on quad bikes after, some brother in law bonding” shaking my head “why can’t he just come home? Rajad is going to take him to where there is bad people” Noella gawked at me “will you quit it, he is fine. He had fun with us” Noella sat down “he should have told me” I said in a whisper, why is everyone acting so calm “call him then” Noella spat, grabbing my phone “I will” I retorted, unlocking my phone. Tapping on my baby’ name “you seen this? Majesty and Chris, she couldn’t stop hugging him” Noella showed me the picture on Instagram “that is cute, look at her goofy smile” listening to the phone ring out “where were they going?” I asked Noella “I left to come here and they was walking to get a haircut, they met up with Rorrey and some boys we know! Robyn, stop eyeballing me. We know them, everything was ok. I made sure Chris was comfortable” look at my phone, he is not picking up. Let me stop worrying, he should be ok “I am blaming you if he is not ok” I pointed at Noella.

[mst3kproject]

Face of the Screaming Werewolf

So.  That's a title.

Face of the Screaming Werewolf was directed, so to speak, by Jerry Warren of Wild Wild World of Batwoman fame.  It stars much of the cast of Robot vs the Aztec Mummy, because bits of the first film in that series were used in its construction – just as they were in the flashback sequence of Robot vs the Aztec Mummy itself!  The movie also stars Lon Chaney Jr. by virtue of footage stolen from another Mexican horror film called House of Terror. As you might imagine, the resulting Frankenmovie is not particularly coherent viewing.  Are we gonna see that singing Aztec sacrifice scene again?  You bet your butts we are! In fact, we see significantly more of it.

Scientist Dr. Edmund Redding places a young woman, Ann Taylor, in a trance, and listens to her describe an ancient city of the Aztecs. She hints at something of importance hidden in a pyramid there, so Dr. Redding and his colleagues set out for Mexico to look for it. The pyramid itself prompts Ann to have another vision, and she guides the scientists to a chamber deep inside it, where they find two mummies.  One, which I shall call Mummy A, is our old friend Popoka, who to general horror is up and shuffling around.  Mummy B, as described in a news broadcast, is a modern man who was injected with mummy juice in the attempt to induce a state of undeath.  Whether either mummy is the important thing that drew Ann to the pyramid in her visions, we never find out.

Naturally Dr. Redding brings these corpses, both animate and not, back to California with him and holds a big press conference to announce his finds.  Before he can take the stage, however, he is mysteriously assassinated, and Mummy B is stolen!  The thugs who took it try to ressurect it with mad science, but fail, so they hire a guy to steal Mummy A from Dr. Redding's research institute.  Meanwhile, a chance bolt of lightning ressurects Mummy B after all, and the full moon turns him into a werewolf!  He begins slaughtering scientists, while Mummy A, having knocked out the thief sent to collect him, kills Ann and then vanishes from the movie entirely.

So what we have here are highly abbreviated versions of two different movies stitched together, and wow, are the seams ever visible. There's the scene that's supposed to be Dr. Redding's presentation: we see a big audience applauding, and Dr. Redding stands up... but he's clearly in his own living room, while the audience is in a large hall in what looks like a completely different building!  Even more obvious is the stuff Jerry Warren shot to fill in the holes between the two plots, which is on a completely different grade of film stock (and in a completely different decade) than anything in either source movie.  And while both The Aztec Mummy and House of Terror put some actualy money into their productions (not much, but some), the extra footage had no budget at all, and gives us things like a 'Cowan Research Institute' which appears to be next door to Batwoman's house.

As in other Jerry Warren movies, nothing follows anything else logically, and the fact that we've got two movies mixed together here only heightens this effect.  In fact, I suspect that a lot of things here did make sense in the original movies, before Warren took a hatchet to them.  Take, for example, Mummy A's fascination with Ann.  In The Aztec Mummy this was explained as her being the reincarnation of Popoka's lover Zochi.  Face of the Screaming Werewolf might be doing the reincarnation thing, too, but is way less clear about it.  In House of Terror the mad scientists were working on ressurecting the dead, but in Face of the Screaming Werewolf we are never properly introduced to them and their goals are a mystery – although their hideout, in a wax museum, is creepy as hell and their equipment is incredibly amusing.  Among other things, they appear to subject Mummy B to a giant panini press and a purpose-built corpse centrifuge!

The mixing of stories leaves the movie with a particularly egregious case of No Main Character Syndrome, simply because we never stay with a set of characters long enough to consider them 'main'.  Dr. Redding and Ann are introduced as if they ought to be the main characters, because of course that's exactly what they were in their own movie. Rather than stay with them, however, the movie disposes of them both by killing them offscreen (since at no point in the Aztec Mummy quadrilogy do Eduardo or Flora die).  Then the scientists at the wax museum appear as if they're going to be main characters, but without ever being properly introduced to us.  I don't think any of them even got a name.  The detectives in Warren's added footage might have had names, but if so I don't remember them, and because they can't interact with any of these other characters they never do anything useful to the plot.  That leaves us with only the werewolf and the mummy, neither of whom ever even speak.

The thing I do find rather interesting about a patchwork movie like this is what was kept versus what appears to have been cut.  The Aztec Mummy was eighty minutes long, House of Terror was sixty, and bits and pieces of both have been combined into the sixty-minute Face of the Screaming Werewolf. A lot clearly had to go from each, but what they kept was, in some cases, really strange.  As I noted, we don't ever get proper introductions for the guys at the wax museum, and yet we see the entire Aztec sacrifice scene without any of The Aztec Mummy's backstory to give it context – and without context, the events we see are meaningless.  Why include it when it mostly just draws attention to the fact that Mummy B does not belong in this tomb with Mummy A?  The only answer I can imagine was because it represents the nearest thing Face of the Screaming Werewolf has to spectacle, but the movie didn't need spectacle.  It needed characters and a plot.

Meanwhile, because we never get the beginning of House of Terror, very little from that story means anything to us, either.  We get repeated shots of the museum's creepy wax figures, which were significant in House of Terror, but have nothing to do with Face of the Screaming Werewolf. The werewolf himself has no backstory or motivation, and although we're told he's a modern man who somehow ended up in the pyramid, we're given no clues as to how or why.  He has no lines, I'm guessing because Lon Chaney Jr. didn't speak any Spanish.  His rampage is committed against more characters we've never met, and we don't understand why he kills some people, kidnaps others, and leaves yet more alone.  A scene of him in human form, moping over his sorry plight, suggests that we're supposed to feel sympathy for this character, but how, when we know nothing about him?

If I were in charge of fixing Face of the Screaming Werewolf, he first thing I would do is go back to the source material and make some changes in what actually became part of the final movie.  And once I had my footage all picked out, I would then rewrite the story that goes with it very thoroughly indeed.  As I observed in my review of Time of the Apes, the beauty of dubbing is that you don't necessarily have to stick to the original script.  You can take out irrelevant stuff and add in new material.  I think I would have kept it to a single mummy, and perhaps made lycanthropy a tomb curse of sorts – Chaney's character would be the last archaeologist to profane the pyramid, and he was punished by becoming a werewolf so he could in turn punish any foolish enough to come after him!  There.  I just wrote a more coherent version of this movie in ten seconds than Jerry Warren did in however long it took him.

All this does tend to make one ask: is making one movie out of two, like Face of the Screaming Werewolf, or finishing somebody else's movie, as in Monster A-Go-Go, a lost cause?  I think if you could find a pair of movies that shared actors or sets, it might be possible to come up with something reasonably coherent, but you'd still have the problem of characters who can't interact, or scenes that have to be stitched together where they obviously don't belong.  It seems to me to be something that works better as a joke, as in Kung Pow! Enter the Fist or Ninja: the Mission Force, rather than something to be done seriously.  When not used for Internet Humour, frankenmovie-making seems to be motivated primarily by greed.  Herschel Gordon Lewis finished Monster A-Go-Go in the attempt to sell an unsalable product, and Jerry Warren turned La Momia Azteca and La Casa del Terror into Attack of the Mayan Mummy, House of Terror, and Face of the Screaming Werewolf so that he could release three movies for the price of the rights to two.

Greed is of course at the core of a lot of modern moviemaking.  Summer blockbusters and long-running franchises are designed specifically to earn as much money as possible without anybody necessarily caring if they're any good. A lot of the time they're not, yet despite poor reviews they still earn money, so I guess moviegoers don't care either as long as they get to see something cool.  Even by that standard, though, Face of the Screaming Werewolf is extremely cynical.  Warren figured as long as he gave the movie a cool title, people would pay for it regardless of whether it even made any damned sense.  And you know what?  I watched the damn thing, so I guess I don't care, either.

[afterspark-podcast]

G1 Episode 7: Transcript

Episode Show Notes

[This can also be found on AO3!]

[Stinger]

S: What Transformers would you want to see on Nailed It?

O: Uh, Thundercracker and-

Together: Skywarp

O: And then, of course, they're like what the fuck do we do with money?

[Intro music]

O: Hello and welcome to the Afterspark Podcast, an episode by episode recap of the generation 1 Transformers cartoon! I'm Owls!

S: And I'm Specs!

O: And today we're gonna be talking about episode number 7, Fire in the Sky. Let's talk about giant robots today, shall we?

S: Yep!

O: So last time on the Transformers: Optimus nearly dies, again.

S: Again.

O:  Again. Chip goes to Cybertron and shows surprising resistance to acid rain, unlike the robots and Shockwave can't hit shit.

S: There may or may not have been dancing involved.

O: Indeed.

S: [Laughter]

O: Regardless, back at the Ark, it's snowing!

S: The robots appear to be having fun with Spike.

O: And then Jazz was pretending to be a snowman to surprise Spike.

S: Oh god, did the other Autobots just go and dump snow on him? [Laughter] But oh god, yeah, Jazz continues to prove to be delightful.  How long was he standing like that? Do you think he had the other Autobots, ah,  put all that snow on him?

O: God, I hope so! [Laughter]

S: Then a snowball fight breaks out, Jazz gets buried in the snow again. It's snow fair!

O: Be afraid! The snow puns are here!

S: So many snow puns.

O: Anyway Bumblebee almost kills Spike with a freakin’ snow boulder!

S: And somehow this cumulates- that feels like a weird snow pun.

O: [Laughter] Cumulus, if you will.

S: Yes, with Spike rolling down a hill, um, into more of a ball and consuming three Autobots in rolling snowy terror.

O: They’re all fine after this! Including Spike who was in this, like, boulder sized snowball thing and hit three robots!

S: How the hell didn't he get splatted? Also there's cactuses and a palm tree involved, in Oregon.

O: Now, ladies and gentlemen, coming to you from the Pacific Northwest there are not cacti and palm trees here, ok?

S: Especially since that area would be, um, like it would be at least semi-arid but it- yeah, no, cacti.

O: There would be no cacti.

S: No palm trees.

O: Meanwhile, Optimus Prime investigates the weird-ass weather. Apparently all the heat from the Earth's core is being drained.

S: I guess the people of Alaska and Russia are are just, um, dead.

O: Yeah, they, like, say it dropped by X number of degrees, and we’re like, oh boy, everybody must be dead. Cool. Anyway, you’ll be surprised who's behind this nefarious plot.

S: Anyway in the Arctic, green crystals erupt from the ground and somehow the Decepticons are draining the heat from the Earth's core by draining this crystal thing?

O: No, we don't get it either, but that's what they're doing. Uh, so we the cut to Rumble who's pounding through ice and somehow causes an underground avalanche sort of thing?

S: Sort of. Maybe. I don't know. And afterwards Skywarp and Rumble come across a dead body. [Laughter]

O: Well they nearly dead, anyway.

S: Apparently this is just a giant, freaking robot.

O: Like, bigger than Megatron or Optimus! That much bigger. So Megatron is delighted by this find because he's like, “I have more cannon fodder to toss at the Autobots!”

S: And Teletraan 1 is able to pinpoint the Decepticons’ activity in the Arctic except it's like they're panning over and panning over and they completely bypass the freaking green rock and then it's like, “Hey! Go back to that thing!”

O: [Laughter] Wait, that might have been important!

S: Yeah, and so the Autobots roll out!

O: Ratchet apparently catches up later since he's not seen leaving the Ark with everyone else, and I believe this also happens with a few other characters, um.

S: I don't remember who.

O: It's- god, it's not Huffer.

S: Hound?

O: No, no my brains going Wheelie--

S: [Laughter}

O:  --and he doesn’t show up till the movie

S: Cliffjumper?

O: No! No, no, no, uh. He's annoying, he's a jerk. Gears! I want to say like Gears and Bumblebee also maybe don't show up and I don't remember. I just know like a bunch of Autobots that you don't see leaving also show up in the Arctic with them.

S:  I don't remember who was there at all, but I guess Ratchet decided to hussle his hoofies [Laughter]

O: [Laughter] Apparently.

S: And back with our favorite energy stealing bastards! The new Transformer is being repaired by the Seekers and Soundwave, with Megatron supervising because apparently he just likes doing that.

O:  Elsewhere in the multiverse IDW Megs, act-actually a goddamn medic and Captain of the Lost Light has a conniption about his useless G1 counterpart. Also our bad, it's Soundwave and all the Seekers doing the repairing here, not just Soundwave and Starscream. So apparently robots have a concept of freshness as Thundercracker comments on how being on ice kept it fresh. While, they continue to repair the big guy.

S: Do- do they like their Energon fresh? Or can they have, like, fine vintage aged Energon?

O: No clue, but apparently Starscream knows this guy and I swear to god--Megs is giving Starscream a look that's like, “What do you mean this is your ex?”

S: Anyway, big guy's name is Skyfire and he's a scientist.

O: Which we’ll see more shortly but uh so while working on Skyfire, Soundwave spins his arm into like an energy projectile cannon that's apparently their version of a freaking defibrillator.

S: I don't think we ever see it again.

O:  it looks really weird!

S: It just spins into existence. Why? Meanwhile, Starscream explains that himself and Skyfire were scientists that were exploring earth millions and millions of years ago and Skyfire got lost in the storm because-

O: So--this is the most concern we ever see from Starscream for anyone other than himself like EVER.

S: Yeah.

O: But about this flashback. So a couple of things, um, we see Skyfire and Starscream flying in space. This means their jet forms are spaceworthy, apparently. What.

S: Well, I mean, we later see Starscream flying in space with Shockwave riding him at some point.

O: Oh god.

S: Like he just picks up Shockwave off a freaking a meteor or something? If I’m remembering properly.

O: I don't even. Um, Starscream should be a pyramid jet here because the flashback takes place way before the start of the series but he’s still an earth jet, like millions of millions of years before jets existed.

S: He wanted to be fashionable in this flashback.

O: Apparently. It was edited! He edited the flashback.  Uh, so the continents that we see on Earth should not look like this they look like modern-day Earth and maybe they wouldn't be like full-on Pangaea as one mass but they definitely shouldn't be in their modern-day configurations.

S: Yeah, and also it's super weird because this is playing from Skyfire’s of memory thingy in his head? But everything is in third person and Skyfire is visible in all the shots.

O: So does he have a camera crew following him around, you think?

S: Maybe? I mean shoot maybe at one point he had a stupid little drone that followed them around like IDW Jetfire and it just gave him footage, I don’t know.

O: Okay, he is definitely Starscream’s ex, this poor guy is way too happy to see Screamer when he wakes up.

S: And Megatron basically says, “Welp, you're a Decepticon now. Don't suck at it!”

O: Or, you know, you're gonna die. Skyfire is kind of hesitant to fight because he's a scientist and not a warrior

S: Like, he wants to study stuff, not kill shit. And later Starscream tells Skyfire that, “He, Starscream, would be in command of the Decepticons,” eventually and then Skyfire will be Second-in-command.

O: Oh boy, oh boy. Eh, Skyfire doesn't really get what's going on right now because he's been out of commission for like a zillion years but he's trying real hard.

S: Poor dude but yeah.

O:  So the Autobots show up and Skyfire, thinking they’re enemies, fires on them, because he's been told they're bad guys.

S: He is obedient, I guess. And a fight breaks out basically ending in Skyfire accidentally kidnapping Spike and Sparkplug for their own good after they basically get marooned on a little ice flow.

O: He’s legitimately like, “Oh no! Why are you guys scared, you’ve got nothing to fear, we’re the good guys.”

S: Cuz, he’s like, “Yeah, I'm not gonna hurt you!”

O: Yeah-

S: It's not gonna work out, buddy. Naturally, he brings them to Megatron and Starscream.

O: This goes about as well as you'd expect.

S: Like a lead balloon [sound effect] straight down.

O: So both humans have been tossed in an ice cage.

S: That's not gonna end well for anybody.

O: No. Hypothermia will be your gift.

S: Starscream and Megatron chastise Skyfire for being nice to the flesh creatures.

O: Skyfire has known these guys for all of five seconds and he calls them his friends. Please, please, someone give this robot a hug? This guy deserves a hug!

S: He deserves so much more than he so much better than, well, what he gets from the Decepticons or the Autobots.

O: For that matter! Uh,. but Skyfire’s, like, I’m a scientist, not a warrior!

S: Oh my god, he literally channels Bones from Star Trek.

O: Kind of! The Autobots falling behind in an attempt to save their favorite squishies.

S: And thus begins the wonder of Optimus Prime's inconsistently disappearing trailer. Outside the cave, no trailer. Inside the cave, you got a trailer.

O: And that'll happen multiple times. Anyway, Gears stops, like dumbass, causing Ironhide, Hound, Ratchet, and Gears to fall through ice.

S: Into the nice little ice hole.

O: Apparently. Back to Optimus! Because we're gonna be swapping between three goddamn groups- three or four goddamn groups of people here. I'm not even exaggerating- back to Optimus, Bee, Jazz and Cliffjumper. Optimus’ trailer disappears again and they hear Spike and Sparkplug crying out for help.

S: And Bumblebee totally looks like he's levitating in this shot, I don't remember if it's because he's sort of in front of something that should be- be-

O:  In the foreground?

S: Yeah, yeah, I think that's it. Cliffjumper blasts the humans out of the cage, “Lucky for you my laser has a defrost cycle.” Why?

O: Please, name one other time in which that function was actually useful there Cliffjumper.

S:  I mean that would be useful for defrosting himself when he's outside in the winter but I mean you never see him use it again.

O: You see! Does Cybertron have ice? Why would he even have this!?!

S:  Well, considering that their planet doesn't revolve around a star and it's flying through space it's probably super friggin cold, but I don't know if-

O: Does that matter to them?

S: I don't remember, I feel like, well, in Prime it definitely matters.

O: Oh, yeah but it has to be like sub-zero temperatures.

S: And it matters in Rescue Bots, not sure about here. It doesn't appear to matter here soooo.

O: Prime and Rescue Bots are in the same continuity, though. So, Hound, Ratchet, Ironhide, and Gears spy on the Decepticons stealing heat from the Earth's core. They're promptly seen by Megatron because they're all terrible at hiding.

S: They’re super bad at it, god. Soundwave releases Ravage to scout for any additional Autobots.

O: Back with Optimus Prime because, again, we're swapping, oh, we're swapping so quickly here, folks.

S: Perspectives, point of views, who gives a damn.

O: The- this show- it can't focus. Anyway back with Optimus and the others, Jazz is using the unit of time astro-minutes.

S: At least he's not counting in astro-seconds?

O: Okay, but seriously if you want a good laugh go check out the TFWiki for units of time (we’ll link to it in the show notes). I swear so many of these units are just ??? on like what their actual real world measurement equivalent is. Like, even the fans don't know how long an orn or an astro-minute is and this is hilarious to me.

S:  Cuz the fandom’s been around for thirty years and, well, not necessarily fandom, but canon continuities keep coming up with stupid things to add and then not necessarily defining them.

O: Or it’s different between different continuities?

S: Yeah, Cliffjumper runs ahead like a dumbass

O: Again.

S: [Laughter] And is promptly tackled to the ground by Ravage and they escape having trapped Ravage “cold.”

O: Aaaaaah! Why do you guys do this to me?!

S: Cause they love fuckin puns- [Laughter] Cause they fucking love puns!

O: Anyway, they do this by burying him under ice and snow. Um, meanwhile Ratchet and the rest have been lined up firing squad style?

S: They- they don't even get any last requests.

O: This just in, the Decepticons are assholes!

S: Not like we're surprised, I mean.

O: Yeah, no, I mean they're all assholes.

S; Yeah. Skyfire’s like, “'I’m a scientist, not an executioner!” and this pisses off Starscream who shoots him.

O: Starscream then shoots the Autobots, causing them to explode and walks off without checking the fucking bodies.

S: That's not- you’re- You’re Megatron’s second-in-command, you should know better.

O: You should be more competent than this, bud. But anyway, surprise Hound hologram shenanigans.

S: Ho-lo-gram.

O: Hologram shenanigans.

S: So the Autobots are fine! But Skyfire’s not in good shape.

O: And then all the Autobots regroup and Ratchet attempts to save Skyfire and meanwhile Laserbeak is spying on the Autobots while they work

S: And we cut to Megatron who's holding an Energon cube and is gazing at an admiringly, like he's totally admiring his ill-gotten gains.

O: Are we sure he's not just staring at Starscream’s ass through that!?! I'm telling you he's just staring at Starscream’s ass!

S: He's admiring Starscream's lustrous finish [Laughter]

O: Anyway, he receives the transmission from Laserbeak about the Autobot activity and then promptly beans Starscream in the head with the Energon cube.

S: Starscream was clearly posing like a model when Megatron hits him so, I guess your theory regarding--

O: Staring at his ass.

S: I guess-

O: He Just wants to be pretty! And he wants his spouse to notice him, ok? “You disgust me!” exclaims Megatron as he yells at Starscream for not killing the Autobots like he freaking said he did!

S: And then the Seekers attack the Autobots I guess by strafing them, I don't know, while Ratchet continues to work on Skyfire

O: And this part cracks me up because the size difference between Skyfire and Ratchet- it looks like a toddler operating on an adult. Like, that is how much bigger Skyfire is been the rest of them.

S: Oh god, it would be even more pronounced if Ratchet was a minibot.

O: Oh my god! [Laughter] That’s a thought.

S: Yeah, yeah, and Optimus’ trailer appears out of nowhere because guess who gets to show up today! It’s Roller! To shoot at the Seekers. Yeah, and Roller shoots Skywarp in the butt, who thenrear-ends Thundercracker sending them both nose-first into the ocean.

O: Which basically puts them out of commission for the rest of the fight. I have to ask, ya think Megatron would, you know, send out  the cassettes here.  Who we have established are here! Rumble can fight, they’re on ice, it’s not like they couldn't break up the ground and send the Autobots into the water! We all know Optimus Prime cannot fucking swim.

S: Yeah, we've already seen that.

O: We'll see it again, actually, next episode where the Autobots cannot fucking swim.

S: [Laughter] Oh god, yeah, Megatron and Optimus fight with green crystal shards- got some amazing photos from this.

O: [Laughter] Which we will also post.  But, these silly crystal sound effects are clearly just two pipes being banged together here.

S: Bang, bang, bang, or bong or whatever, I don't think they used bong, they couldn't get bells or wind chimes or something?

O: Yeah, to make it sound kind of tinkly--no, it just sounds like you're banging two pipes together!

S: And Optimus grapples Megatron, lifting him up into the air and Megatron then rotates his lower body 180 degrees and lands behind Optimus, knocking him down. It's kind of amazing, honestly.

O: You’d think they do stuff like this more often since they’re, you know, robots--but they don’t.

S: I mean, if they actually made use of their whole, “Hey, we rotate to transform here.”

O: Yeah, like, cuz a lot of them do.

S: Yeah, uh, so while on his back cuz Optimus is knocked to the ground, he starts spinning his wrist really, really quickly? And makes- he- like a helicopter hand? That he just uses to toss Megatron behind him into an ice wall?

S: He's, like, spinning him on- it's like, he's still holding the weird crystal sword-

O: Yeah!

S: -Thingy and like, it spins and then sort of- Megatron’s- he's not levitated on it, but-

O: He, like, picks Megatron up with it?

S: It’s weird.

O: It's bizarre.

S: Yeah, it’s bizarre, but it got some really funny screencaps

O: Yeah.

S: Yeah, really funny photos.

O: It was pretty funny looking.

S: Yeah, cuz, I was doing that janky thing where I just photos of your TV.

O: If you’re curious why our screenshots look the way they do, it’s because we’re taking literal pictures of my TV, mostly because we think it actually looks funnier than trying to screen cap them off the computer.

S: Yeah, it's got more- it's got more character.

O: More character. Look, we can't- we can't make it look as bad as the 80s, but we can certainly make it look worse. Okay, so Megaton orders Skyfire to kill the Autobots because Skyfire’s up  and about again Skyfire then promptly rips off his Decepticon symbol and pulls an Autobot badge out of fucking nowhere and just, like, sticks it on his chest. Where did he even get that? How do he even get that? Did Ratchet hand it to him after repairing him? Does Ratchet carry spares!?!

S: And why did his Decepticon symbol act like cloth?

O: Yeah, or a sticker or something? Like, what is it made out of?

S: Do they just carry, you know, do Decepticons just just carry stickers or symbols just to give people cuz...

O: Yeah, like, do both sides do this? They can’t- we don't see people swap like sides very often so this seems very strange, if they, like, carry around stickers.

S:  I mean, I guess, if we wanted, you know, some comparison we could look and see what Octane does cuz I think he changes sides, but that's neither here nor there let's get back to this.

O: [Laughter]

S: And Skyfire tosses Megs off into the distance- I don't actually remember this, so I don’t remember how impressive it is.

O: [Laughter] Skyfire does a lot of tossing over the next couple of minutes. Reflector also attempts to attack, as like a weird mobile robot pyramid, like there's two of them on the bottom carrying the other one. They also promptly get tossed.

S: Starscream attacks from the air, Skyfire takes off to follow him.

O: Starscream, the most treacherous second in command in existence, tells Skyfire he'll pay first treachery and I just have one thing to say, “Pot meet Kettle!”

S: [Laughter] Except Skyfire’s, like-

O: Not an asshole!

S: He also didn't exactly get a fair, you know, read in on this. It was basically, “Hey, you're my property now, here's a sticker.”

O: Well, yeah. Starscream just has no room to talk. At all!

S: Well yeah, considering that he keeps trying to take over the Decepticons kill and Megatron

O: Yeah.

S: Yeah. Skyfire knocks Starscream out of the air but not without damaging himself, I guess Ratchet- Ratchet didn't do much in the way of fixing him, cuz I guess he doesn't have much in the way of spare parts. Not a lot of junk in his trunk. [Laughter]

O: [over laughter] Ugh, god, no. He has no trunk! He has no trunk! [indistinct] He has no trunk, Specs, you can not make that joke!

S: On his way down, he causes an avalanche with the tiniest freaking gun-

O: Cuz, again, he’s huge! Right, like, he just has this tiny little gun! [Laughter]

S: Covering the green crystal and the day saved because of this, for some reason? Apparently that's enough to insulate the stupid crystal and stop the-

O: Apparently.

S: The Earth's heat energy from being sucked out.

O: Unfortunately for Skyfire, he also gets buried.

S: Bad Autobot buddies there. Yeah, unfortunately, yeah. Well, goodbye Skyfire, who we’ll never see again.

O: You know that bad little habit everyone has of not checking bodies?

S: Yeah. The Autobots are just like---god Autobots, why? Optimus utterly fails to comfort Spike as they vow to remember Skyfire. Why?

O: But not dig him out, you assholes! And that’s where the episode ends, it that cheesy, I swear to god and maybe I'm wrong- but I swear to god, it does that cheesy anime thing where like, you know, you have the character big in the sky as it like, you know, cuts the episode?

S: Big in the sky and the sunset, like, “We're thinking of you-”

O: Right!

S: “Your memory is in our hearts!”

O: Again, if we have not made this clear, we’ll see Skyfire again shortly. Because these guys are idiots!

S: And I guess it's a spoiler, but apparently they just need Wheeljack to freaking dig someone out.

O: I'm convinced Wheeljack just was like, “What do you mean? All we need to do is dig him out. He was fine ice for millions of years. I'm just gonna go do this.”

S: He's still fresh!

O: [Laughter]

S: He’s even more fresh than he was before, he's only been in there like five minutes!

O: [Laughter] Anyway, that’s where the episode ends. Next time join us for the introduction of the Dinobots! Or as we like to call it, “How not to treat your newborns!” Seriously, Prime’s solution is to lock them in the goddamn closet.

S: You're a bad godfather, Optimus.

O: He should not be a godfather at all! Prime, Prime, you should not be around children, go away!

S: Yup, yup.

O: So, my dear Specs tell us about our fanfic!

S: Well, um, we’ve got kind of an avalanche-

O: [Laughter]

S:  -for you today because I just kind of went hog-wild and did more than three.

O: Whoops.

S: So, yeah, lots of stuff that are involve either robots doing dumb stuff in snow, or Skyfire or Soundwave, and yeah. Lots of robots doing dumb stuff in snow and ice.

O: [Laughter]

S: So our first- first selection today is “Bobsled Australia” by Korat. It's a G1 cartoon continuity, I think. It's- yeah,

O: Vaguely, at least.

S: Yeah, well, it focuses on original characters so it's not like it really matters.

O: True.

S: So it's rated T for teen. It's Gen, there aren't any pairings, the original characters are Dart and Deus. So Korat’s original character Dart, and Deus, who is Retrolex's original character.

S: So in summary, “Two transformers, a mountain, and one makeshift sled.”

O: [Laughter]

S: And mountain is specifically about a Mount Blue Cow in Australia, if I'm remembering properly. It's- it's fun. it's funny. So yeah, theme in this was snow plus robots doing dumb stuff in it.

O: [Laughter]

S:  It's- it's old, it's good, I really enjoy it. I recommend it even if you're not terribly into OC’s/original characters just because these two have- like they bounce off each other pretty well and it's fun and you get to see robot’s bobsledding.

O: [Laughter]

S: Bobsledding down a mountain. It's kind of great. And our next one is “28 Skyfires” by Beertree. G1 cartoon, rated K+. Slash because it's got Skyfire/Starscream in it, yeah. Characters: Skyfire and Starscream are the main ones, though there are probably some other supporting characters.

S: Uh, G1, In summary “Finally some new fic from the meme going around in LiveJournal, here are 28 Skyfires. These are listed alphabetically except where a plotline is involved then it's chronological for the story rated K-T for Skyfire/Starscream slash and implied slash,” and our theme for that one is ‘Skyfire” cuz might as well have something all about the new dude.

S: Right, so this is a one-shot collection. Bobsled Australia was a one-shot. Like ne- let's go to the next one, which is “Technical Support” by Archaeopteryx_Feather. Uh, G1 cartoon. K- rated K. It's gen, no pairings. It- the main characters are Soundwave and Starscream. In summary, “Soundwave was a medic of the mind, bound by the Technopathic Oath to do no harm. But what if the patient who needs help is Starscream?”

O: Kill it, kill it with fire.

S: So the theme with that was Soundwave and his medical skills cuz I specifically wanted to find something that, um, explored the medical skills that we got to see Soundwave use in this episode.

O: Fair enough.

S: And it's a one shot with an alternate ending in the second chapter. [Indistinct] And our next one is “Ice Skating” by Haluwasa2. It's a G1 IDW to shake things up from the G1 cartoon.

S: It's rated K. It's Gen, more or less. Pairings: Misfire/Grimlock. Characters: Fulcrum, Misfire, Grimlock. “On a pit stop to Earth, Fulcrum finds Misfire and Grimlock in an unexpected scenario that is... completely normal for them to be honest.” And it's robots doing silly stuff with ice and it's a one-shot.

S: And our last one today is “Snow Day with the Scavengers” by Pteropoda (SilentP), in um..

O: Parentheses.

S: Parenthesis, thank you, so it's also G1 IDW, rated K, Gen, no pairings. Our characters for this one are Fulcrum, Misfire, Krok, Crankcase, Spinister, and Grimlock.

O: Basically the Scavengers from the IDW comics.

S: Yep, yep, and in summary, “Fulcrum is not down with toboggans.” So, yeah. Again our theme is robots doing silly stuff in snow and it's a one shot. I- yeah I was very specific on robots doing silly stuff and snow was our big theme today.

O: [laughs] You just wanted something seasonal, uh, it will make no sense when this is actually aired- we're recording this right before Christmas, so it’s like, very in season for us!.

S: But yeah that's it for the fanfiction recommendations, let's go to the art!

O: Yes! So for today we are recommending Larry, as in, Larrydraws, you can find them under- on Tumblr as Larrydraws.tumblr.com. [They’ve since changed their tumblr url to anna--malkova.tumblr.com.] Also we are recording this right after all this shit with Tumblr’s been going down so if they have a Pillowfort, I don't have a link. We will have a link to their Kofi and to their Society6 page if you don't want to dick with Tumblr right now.

O: They tend to try draw a variety of things but I was also seeing some IDW comic stuff they did which is apparent with one of the things I picked. They have some absolutely gorgeous prints available at their Society6 page. We linked a few of my personal favorites uh, for Perceptor, Soundwave, and Grimlock and I will post links to those. They're just very pretty and very well done and recommend checking them out cuz they kind of have a whole bunch of stuff and there's probably something for your favorite character.

S: Yeah, they've also got shirts with their art on them and--

O: oh yeah! They’re so pretty!

S: They’re amazing looking and I really would like, like five of them? I don't know have the money because, yeah. And that just about wraps it up for us today! Remember to check out our Tumblr at Afterspark-podcast.tumblr.com, Um, I mean if anyone's still on Tumblr, for additional information, show notes or links we may have mentioned, you can also find us on Facebook and Twitter at AftersparkPod (all one word) and SoundCloud on YouTube at Aftersparkpodcast. You can also find us on Pillowfort as Afterspark-podcast and on AO3 by searching for Afterspark Podcast because we've just posted that! (Like, a couple of days ago?)

O: This week, basically. We will be posting there in the future, as well, it basically we're just embedding the stuff from SoundCloud but we are uploading the-

S: The transcripts and show notes.

O: The transcripts and then the show notes are in the actual note section as much as we can. Thankfully we can actually link to things which is really nice.

S: And I mean it makes it easier for people to follow along while listening

O: Yes! So if you kind of have trouble with auditory stuff, I know I actually prefer to kind of read stuff myself so, I totally get wanting to have access to it.

S: Yeah it's just it seems like a good idea. I'll see if I can come up with more tags for the AO3 stuff.

O: Yeah, I’m leaving the tags to Specs because, ah, you know I got this fandom like back in, I guess it's like six months now right?

S: Yeah, June-July-ish.

O: Something like that. Anyway and you know how I haven’t been here that long? Well, basically, I haven’t really been in a fandom space very long at all so I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing with tags? Like I’m relatively familiar with Tumblr and, like, nothing else.

S: Whereas I've had an AO3 account since like 2012 and I've been using it probably since 2009.

O: So, she's knows what she’s doing more than I do. I just got on there and was like, “Oh, look fanfic!”

S: [Laughter]

O: “Tags, I love you.”

S: Yeah, so we’ll- I don't know, I guess if anyone wants to suggest tags, feel free. Um.

O: I like to particularly entertaining ones myself.

S: I might have to put on “specs- doing-robot’splaining” or something.

O:[laughs]  Yeah, I like it

S: All right, till next time, I'm Specs!

O: And I'm Owls!

S: Toodles!

[Outro music]