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ordinaryschmuck · 3 years

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What I Thought About "Eda's Requiem" from The Owl House

Salutations, random people on the internet who certainly won’t read this! I am an Ordinary Schmuck. I write stories and reviews and draw comics and cartoons.

...

...HOW IS SEASON TWO SO GOOD?! WE'VE HAD SEVEN EPISODES SO FAR, AND EACH ONE OF THEM WAS A HIT!

Take "Eda's Requiem," for example. It's yet another episode where I have NOTHING bad to say about it! That's two weeks in a row where that happened! HOW DOES THIS HAPPEN?!

HOW!

...But anyways, "Eda's Requiem." It's another fantastic episode, and I'm about to dive into explaining how and why. Just keep in mind, it's gonna require spoilers to do so, so be wary of that as you keep reading.

Now, let's review, shall we?

WHAT I LIKED

Eda’s Checklist and Grom Photo: Within the first second, "Eda's Requiem" perfectly sets up Eda's central conflict in the episode. Despite spending years being on her own and looking after herself, she now has two kids that she's constantly caring over. Eda can try all she wants to say that she doesn't care, and I bet she has in the past. But given the hard work she's putting into getting King and Luz what they need and having a grom photo of the three of them together pinned in her mirror, it's pretty clear that those two knuckleheads wormed their way into her heart and are never getting out.

Eda’s Worried About King and Luz Leaving: And thus, that's precisely why something like this bothers her so much. Eda inadvertently adopted two rambunctious rapscallions (Yeah, I know. I'll get to it), so the idea of them not being around her anymore is going to be terrifying. That is a situation most parents, especially mothers, can identify with. It’s called empty nest syndrome and it proves just how much Eda loves Luz and King that she can't stand the thought of her babies leaving the nest. It's yet another well-made, wholesome, found-family moment that this series continues to excel at each week, making me extra excited for more like it to come...while also readying myself for heartbreak when one of them eventually does leave Eda.

Eda and Raine’s Music: Ok, I don't know the exact instruments that were played during this episode, but I also don't care because it was all (for lack of a better term) music to my ears. Every time Eda and Raine played resulted in melodies that are so beautiful and filled with so much emotion and feeling that I'm honestly tempted to listen to them again, multiple times, on repeat. Shows rarely do that for me, as background music doesn't always draw me in as much as lyrical songs do. Usually, it takes something so extraordinarily composed to give me the desire to listen again, and that's the case here. So huge congrats to Brad Breek for doing so. Seriously, the man's been killing it this season.

Eda’s Bard Magic Causing Things to Turn to Ash: This was assuredly a surprise side-effect of the curse. The fact that Eda can sort of do magic at all was its own shock. To then reveal that a specific type can do dangerous things to people and environments is...Well, it definitely brings up its own fair share of questions. Like, how can she do this? Will she do it again, one day? And are there other types of spells that can be negatively affected by Eda's curse? We don't get answers for any of these questions, and odds are, we never will. But that's alright with me. Because if a show makes me consider these many possibilities after a brief amount of time, it is a show that has to be doing something right. Even if I don't get the answers I want, the fact that it caused such a reaction makes me less willing to care.

Raine Whispers: Hey, would you look at that. Another fun, interesting, and compelling character added to the list of this shows' other fun, interesting, and compelling characters...how is this series so good at this!?

Joking aside, Raine's pretty good. I like Raine. They could have been this super serious leader who lost all their fun after years apart from Eda, but I'm glad that they're not. There are moments when Raine takes their job as leader of the BATs seriously, as one would, but I still prefer the fact that they kept a jovial nature despite how grim their situation is. It's an admirable trait to have, and it avoids the trope of making leader characters boring just because they're the ones who have to take things seriously.

Oh, and also, Raine's Disney's first non-binary character who has a stake in the plot. This is a tremendous deal, as you don't usually see that many non-binary characters in children's animation, let alone ones that hold importance to the story. So it's pretty cool for the writers to feature Raine, as it helps several kids feel as though they're finally seen and respected. And the fact that Disney of all companies gave the thumbs up is even more impressive. I hear people say that Dana Terrace should have pitched The Owl House to more progressive networks to avoid pushback, and while I absolutely see your point, I'll have to respectfully disagree. Disney is the largest entertainment industry of all time, so if you want to make LGBTQA+ representation normalized, you gotta stop making splashes and start making waves. Because if the same company that made three racist cats in the span of a few years manages to say that being gay is a-ok, then you know there's something wrong with you. Yes, Disney ended up screwing over the show anyway. But for that one moment, when kids felt pride after seeing a character like Raine, then, in the end, it's kind of worth it.

Also, if you're still having issues with more representation like this popping up in kids' shows, then allow me to redirect you to the complaint department.

...I made that post earlier today for this bit. YOU HAVE BETTER APPRECIATED IT!

Day of Unity is meant to be a Secret: At least, that's what I got when Raine stumbled over their own words. So if it's true, then I wonder why? Why does Belos want to keep the most critical change in the Boiling Isles a secret? Does he want to make it a surprise for his grateful subjects, or does he not want to spread worry and fear amongst the wild witches? It has to be something big if he doesn't want his followers to even say the words "Day of Unity." Whatever reason he has, we most likely won't know until the future. A future that I grow more and more afraid of each week.

Hooty Eating Echo Mouse: My heart sank in that brief moment when I thought that Hooty intensely screwed Luz over in getting back home. But looking back...it is pretty funny.

Just the suddenness of Hooty eating the poor creature that Luz desperately tried to earn its trust is priceless in how shocking it was. And also, Luz's expression.

That was the look of a young girl who immediately shoved her hand down an owl demon's throat the second the scene cut away. The Owl House may not always be a hit in the comedy department, but scenes like this prove that when it's funny, it is hilarious.

Luz and King Entering the Grand Prix: Not much to discuss here. It's just a cute subplot that adds frivolity to the intensity of what's going on through Eda and Raine's story. But I will say that I love how both stories occasionally interconnect with each other through the many moments of Eda being worried about King wanting to leave to find his father and avoiding any conversation about it. It helps both plotlines feel like they belong together, without being something like "Through the Looking Glass Ruins," whereas both stories could have been in their own episode. Which is neat.

How Bard Magic Works: I really love how this season is diving into how the other magic types work. More specifically, the ones that seem a little vague. I mean, stuff like healing, potions, and plants are easy to figure out, but what does it mean when a witch's talents are construction, beast keeping, and bard magic? We've been getting a lot of clearing up lately, with bard magic looking like a witch can control their environments and enemies through the power of music. Which is fair. Music is pretty powerful in the metaphorical sense, and I actually love that it's powerful in the literal sense when in the Boiling Isles.

The BATs: Not much to comment on these three either. The BATs have the potential to have an entertaining dynamic, but they do very little in this episode that I can't say much other than I hope they make a return in the future. But I will make this claim: Amber is my favorite. I'm sorry, but her screaming "You're not our mom!" to then go, "Bye, mommy Eda" is just too precious for me not to love.

I'm a simple man who falls for cute s**t. Leave me alone.

Raeda (RainexEda): Well, EdaxCamila, you were a fun crack ship while it lasted, but I'm afraid that this is now goodbye. The current canon has provided an incredibly adorable and believable relationship that I would be a monster not to support with my whole bi-heart. It's been real.

Ok, back in serious mode: I love these two together. Eda and Raine are grown-ups, and they still act all flustered near each other as if they were still Luz and Amity's age. It's definitive proof that you're never too old to get flustered near a crush, and seeing them interact adds a sense of wholesomeness when seeing them together as well as heartbreak when they're forced apart. Plus, we get confirmation that Eda's LGBTQA+! Whether she's bi, pan, or whatever, now that we know Eda can catch feelings for someone like Raine, it's yet another case that The Owl House is the most important series to the community. Because having the main character be queer is fantastic in its own right. But having the same apply to the motherly mentor figure? That's is an extra bit of normalization that anybody would be willing to appreciate.

Unique Guard Designs: Not many fans are going to appreciate this, primarily compared to everything else this episode does perfectly. For me, I actually like that you see a few Coven Guards looking differently from the others, as it helps make them less like clones and makes it seem like anybody of any body type could be a part of the coven.

Gus Looking Uninterested when Presenting Grand Prix with his Dad: I am positive that you didn't notice this (I didn't even notice it until someone else pointed it out), but there's something to dissect here. It hints that perhaps Gus isn't as interested in his father's field of work as one might think. If he did, he would look a lot less bored and much more excited to be helping Perry Porter present the race. It could just be the race itself, but judging from Gus' expression, it really seems like the kid would prefer to be anywhere but there. And why would he have that reaction to a race that his best friend is competing in? To me, this seems like an inkling of what Gus' relationship with Perry could be, which may not actually get time to shine, what with how little wiggle room the series has now (Thanks Disney). Regardless, it is interesting to notice, and it will certainly have fans thinking for a while.

Bump Being Smug of Luz Being in the Lead: That's it. Principal Bump looking smug as his human student is beating the students of his rivals is yet another moment that proves why Bump is easily the best cartoon principal.

Darius: First of all, this guy is f**king fabulous, and I love him. *Snaps*

Second, he is definitive proof that you do NOT want to f**k around with Coven Leaders. Lilith may have had her intimidating moments, but none of them compare to the guy who can turn himself into an abomination monster where only magic that hasn't existed before can take him down. It's genuinely scary to see Darius lose control, and I fear for the day when Luz inevitably ends up in his crosshairs.

With that said, Darius' still a ton of fun! He may be threatening, but he's just a flamboyant guy that hates the idea of getting his outfit the tiniest bit dirty. And I love that. I love that these Coven Heads have actual personalities instead of being generically evil. I consider it preferable to make villains entertaining rather than blatantly scary as I'll remember the personalities first and the villainous acts last.

Eberwolf: But this one's my favorite. I told you: I'm a simple man who gets easily swayed by cute s**t. And Eber? I mean, just look at her:

She's just a cute widdle rascal! I just want to pinch her cheeks, give her a belly rub, and--

...Eberwolf is not a cute widdle rascal. She is a strong, independent woman, and I will respect her as such from this moment forward...lest I feel her wrath.

That is all. Let's move on.

Eda and Raine Attempting a Final Performance: This was the best scene of the episode. It looked gorgeous, it shows the dedication Eda and Raine have for stopping Belos, and it says so much through so little. Go back and look at how Eda and Raine regard one another when performing Eda's requiem. Through their expressions and a few short words, you know they understand that if they complete the song/spell, they probably won't make it in the end. And yet, they don't care. They both know bad stuff will happen if Belos wins, so Eda and Raine put everything to the side, both their feelings for one another and the people they leave behind if it means putting an end to a tyrant. That level of dedication...Words can't fully describe how powerful that is.

Raine Sacrificing Themselves Instead: But in the end, Raine can't do it. Not when they know the life that Eda has and the people she'll be leaving behind. It's an extra bit of nobleness to the character seeing that Raine refuses to take away a woman from two kids who need her the most. A tad bit selfish, sure, knowing what Belos has planned. But when it comes to love, the romantic, familial, or platonic, the best decisions aren't always the logical ones.

Eda Crying: Luz crying tears me up, but seeing Eda cry is a whole different level of heartbreak. Like Lilith, Eda has her emotions locked up tight, with the closest she came to weeping were those two tears in "Young Blood, Old Souls." In "Eda's Requiem," she cries but almost quickly stops herself. As if she knows that doing so isn't going to save Raine. That is...even worse than seeing Luz break down after losing Eda. The fact that Eda refuses to give herself time to mourn losing someone she loved is tragic because crying is the most natural way of showing grief. Turning that off isn't healthy, and seeing her do it with little resistance is sad to me. It's sad to see a character I love can easily shut off all emotions despite how badly she may want to embrace them. It's one of those moments that, again, by doing so little, it shows so much.

“No one watches Crystal Balls anymore. It’s all about streaming.”: Oof. Even I felt that burn towards cable.

King’s Message: King's message was the pick-me-up I needed after the heart-wrenching sadness this episode put me through a few minutes ago. Seeing King say who he is and listing all the things he loves is nothing short of adorable. On top of that, I adore that Eda willingly recorded the whole thing. She may not want King to leave, but that doesn't mean she'll sabotage the one thing he wants. Especially not after Raine gave up everything so Eda could be with her kids. The opening scene may prove how much Eda cares about a rascal like King, but this heartwarmingly sweet moment reveals just how far she'll go to make him happy.

King’s Dad Reveal: ...ok, I'll be honest, I did not think we'd get that reveal this soon. Dumb of me to say, considering the number of times I've said that these writers don't waste time getting to the s**t, I know. But still, it's pretty cool knowing that King's dad is alive and well, added with the fact that we've got a fair idea of what he looks like. At this point, it's only a matter of time before we see him figure out where the Clawthorne residence is and witness the tear-jerking moments that will follow.

King Changing his Name to King Clawthorne: Not the official adoption I was expecting Eda to make...but DANG IT, is it still diabetes-inducing levels of sweetness!

Personally, I feel like the main reason why Eda breaks down this time is not only because she shouldn't be worried about King leaving her life, but also because Raine's sacrifice wasn't in vain. Her kids really do need Eda because no matter how far apart they'll be, she will always be a part of their life...dang it, I'm going to cry too!

What those Coven patches really do: Well...that was horrifying to see.

...Writers, if you kill off the best non-binary character in animation (it's a short list, I know), we are going to have PROBLEMS!

IN CONCLUSION

"Eda's Requiem" is--surprise surprise--another A+. The emotions hit hard, the representation hits harder, Raine is a fantastic addition to the cast, and it was all surprisingly cute at times. Season Two is currently on a hot streak, constantly winning with every episode that's come out so far. When a bad episode does eventually show up (IT'S GONNA HAPPEN!), I'll be sure to sing my requiem then. For now, I'm just gonna enjoy the ride.

#the owl house #the owl house season 2 #the owl house reviews #eda clawthorne #raine whispers #raeda #king of demons #toh darius #toh eberwolf #what i thought about

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alesreadings · 3 years

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Loveless by Alice Oseman.

4.5 stars.

“Give your friendships the magic you would give a romance. Because they're just as important. Actually, for us, they're way more important.”

This is my first ace/aro book, so, it feels refreshing have a little bit of representation, even if it's not entirely like that (I felt it that way, tho, this is my case) for me. The review is from my POV on this, my feelings and reactions, ok? ok, thanks. Btw, if there's something that can be misunderstood, let me know and I'll change it. Georgia Warr has never been in love or kissed, and she's just 18. But she thinks she'll find a person some day. This is fine, actually, many people haven't had their first kiss in their teen years, and that's totally ok! Look at me, the next month I'll turn 23 and I've never kissed anyone. I used to think that THAT fact it was going to be the end of the world, since my friends were having romances at 15/16 y/o, having their first romantic relationship and their first kisses, and even sex. I had a lot of crushes at that age with many people, but I never thought it was important to have a relationship with someone. And that little fact was something to my ex classmates joke about like for 3/4 years. So, you can imagine how bad I felt for it. That bullying from my ex classmates generated on me a lot of insecurities, because they made me feel like I was a weirdo or a loser for not having kissed anyone by that time. I really believed that there was something wrong with me. At that age, we believe a lot of things that others tell us, so, I was naive and stupid for think that all of those things were true. In high school, had crushes too, but I never had a relationship because people only think in one thing (in my country, sadly is like that): sex. Back in my old school, I had a traumatic event that made me make sure about my sexuality, even if by that age I didn't know anything about it. So, in high school, I just had crushes, but didn't know what was that lack of sex desire toward the others. I never told this to anyone, because my ex "friends" really let me down making me believe that, indeed, I was a weirdo for not having pair or my first kiss yet. In the university, things changed. I made one year in History and I met the most beautiful and amazing girl on my French class. She's bi and her mind is so open and she's smart. I fell for her, we talked but I never confessed to her my feelings (yes, I'm a coward and I hate me for this). When I changed to my actual career, literature, I met one of my best friends. She's pan and once, while we talked with my other friends, she asked us who we fancied, I said: "no one", with fear believing that I was gonna be rejected or they were gonna laugh of me. My friend smiled at me and said "oh, you're asexual". I've heard that term before, but I didn't know what it meant, so I asked her if she could please explain me. She explained me a lot about the ace spectrums and I cried in front of my friends for two reasons: 1) they weren't judging me for haven't had a pair or my first kiss yet, and 2) because I finally had a name for my sexuality and I didn't feel entirely alone. My friends were and are very supportive with me and they mean the world to me. So, yes, I agree with that: friends mean a lot, even more when they're the correct ones. I've had a hard time accepting myself, I've struggled for years with myself, who I am and it's been a long process. I haven't come out to my family for many reasons, but mainly because they're very mind-closed and that scares me. I told my bestfriend (ex bestfriend by now) that I'm ace. And he laughed at me, when I explained him what it was asexuality, he said that it's an excuse for not having sex or pair before (he was in love with me and I rejected him like 6 years ago, lmao). That of course that made me feel like shit. But I realized that there's NOTHING wrong with me, that people will not always understand and that's ok, but I'm getting away from them. For years, I struggled so bad trying to accept me, to love me, because I had dark years when I hated me so much. I was in a dark place for so long, but when I finally accepted me for who I am, I naturally cried like a baby, but I felt proud of myself. It's a

big fucking step, but I'm no longer afraid of me. Yes, I'm still afraid of some people the whole time, but this is me trying. (please, get the taylor reference) This book having one of its main plots in friends touched me so bad. I wish I had those friends when I was 15 to 19 years, to encourage me, to support me and tell me that things were gonna be ok. I had found those friends now, and I look back to my old me and I don't feel pity or sadness anymore. Of course, I keep crying because I feel like I've waisted my life, or like future is uncertain and it scares me as fuck. But I'm proud of me, and no one can make me feel like I'm not worth it or like I'm weird. "My future still terrified me. But everything seemed a little brighter when my best friends were around." I still wanna fall in love, have a romantic relationship and feel those things, u know? Even if I feel like I won't gonna find someone who accepts me for who I am, and that shit is scaring. So, yes, I enjoyed this book, even if I wanted to kick Georgia so bad for many things and cry for others. Maybe nobody has told you this today, or you needed to read it/hear it, but: You are loved, you are valid, you are so fucking perfect the way you are. Never doubt about it. If you are struggling with so many things, take a break and breathe, take a deep breathe, cry, jump, laugh, do whatever you want, but you know what? You are gonna be ok. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but you will, and when you look back, you will feel proud of yourself and you'll smile so bright like the sun. It's a bad moment, not a bad life. And yes, please, never forget this. And just like Bruno Mars said: 'cause, hey, you're amazing, just the way you are. :) Also, Pip's mom is my heroine. She lived in Colombia and Manuel in London, and when Manuel went to visit his grandma, they met and fell in love. And they moved to LonDON. OH MY FUCKING GOD, I NEED THAT, PLEASE, TAKE ME OUT OF THIS COUNTRY, I'M SOBBING. "The I am loveless mood has just gone." "Neither of us were alone in this." There was something that it seemed a little bit out of line there. Not all aces are sex-repulsed. Idk if I'm the only one who understood that. But there are other aces who are not sex-repulsed. It's not wrong tho, it just gave me that impression. Also, a mention for tmm gang, they're the best people i've ever met, i love them with my life and i'm very thankful for calling them my friends. :') guys, if you see this, you know who are you, demons and angels <3

#loveless #alice oseman #4.5 stars #reviews #edits #edit #mine #ace-rep #aro-rep #contemporary #fiction #lgbt #queer #romance #standalone #young adult

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crying-gay-tears · 4 years

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Brighter Than the Sun (3/?)

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

ao3

A thunderstorm and existential thoughts keep the boys awake.

Chapter 3: Questioning

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Gon tossed in bed as a clap of thunder echoed in the air outside his dorm. It hadn’t woken him up--he hadn’t actually fallen asleep yet--but it was enough to shake the window in its frame. A few seconds later and his room was illuminated by a flash as lightning ripped across the sky. He counted in his head ‘1, 2, 3, 4, 5’... another thunderclap, another flash. Huh, so the storm was about a mile away then. He knew this was coming, the signs had been showing the last few days. Birds were flying low yesterday and there was a ring around the moon that night. He could smell it in the air as well. He was grateful it waited until Friday night to finally hit. It meant he could have a nice rainy Saturday indoors with no classes to interrupt. Another crack of thunder and lightning, and the rain finally started. He settled on his back and listened to the heavy pitter patter against the roof.

The room was dark aside from the dim blue light of the street lamp outside the window. It illuminated the rain flowing down the glass, casting fluid shadows that danced across the floor. He laid awake watching them, mind wandering.Usually when it stormed, it brought him a sense of calm and peace. On nights like these he slept like a rock; but for some reason, tonight he couldn’t seem to sleep at all. Maybe it was because this was his first stormy night spent away from Whale Island. He had definitely been feeling the differences that living in a city made in his daily life. Maybe he was a little homesick, and maybe the storm was just making that feeling grow.

He glanced up at the desk across the room. The bright red digits of his alarm clock glared back at him, letting him know it was well past 1am. Just as he moved to bury his face in his pillow, he heard a thud followed by some rustling on the other side of his bedroom door. Eager for a distraction from his own restlessness, he kicked his blanket aside and snuck out to the common room. He wasn’t sure what he expected to find, but Killua on the floor scrambling to scoop chips back into a bowl was not it.

~~~~~~~~

After about two hours of tossing and turning in bed, Killua found himself in the common room, rolled up in a blanket on the couch with a bowl of cheese puffs and a baking show playing on the tv.

He was having trouble sleeping, which wasn’t really new, per se, but the thoughts running through his mind and keeping him from sleep certainly were. Earlier that day was the first meeting for the GSA, and Gon convinced him to go. Not that it took too much effort, Killua had been curious about it weeks ago when Gon first mentioned it.

The meeting was a little over an hour long, and Killua was on edge for most of that hour. There were a bunch of people there, all of them seemed nice enough, but it was still a bit overwhelming. He wasn’t even sure if he should be there in the first place.

They all introduced themselves with their name, pronouns, and sexuality if they were comfortable sharing. Killua waited with baited breath until it was his turn, then he quickly declared “Killua, he/him” and turned to Gon to pass the spotlight, who was carefree and confident when he spoke. ”I’m Gon! I didn’t really know what pronouns were before now, but mine are he/him! And I don’t know what to say about my sexualty, I’m here to hopefully figure it out!”

Killua was amazed the whole time at how easily Gon fit into the group, like they’d all been friends for years. He was starting to learn that that’s just how Gon was. He was comfortable with everyone he met and he navigated life with a confidence that stemmed from his own optimism.

Killua spent most of the time quietly observing. The group leaders talked about what it felt like for them when they realized they were queer. A few told their coming out stories, some of acceptance and some of isolation. They talked about the spectrum of sexuality and what each letter in the acronym was. Killua, who had entered the meeting assuming he was just going to be an ally, left that afternoon with the burning letter Q in his mind.

Questioning. Something about that word felt so comfortable to him. It felt like a word he could sit with for a while. Under the umbrella of questioning, he had the space to think about all the new perspectives he received during the meeting.

He assumed he was just an ally, but when he heard about all the things you could be besides straight… Ally didn’t feel like it really fit. And that was because straight definitely didn't feel like fit him anymore. To be honest, looking back, he wasn’t sure if it ever really fit him in the first place. But straight was what he always was, wasn’t it? It was never really something that got talked about directly, but it was always assumed. He’d only ever been asked about girlfriends, or girl crushes growing up. He’d been called a lady’s man by his parents’ friends, and he was always told he’d make a nice young lady very happy one day. It started to feel like being straight was kind of...expected of him? He never realized there was any other way to be.

But as overwhelmed as he was with the suffocating straightness, he was equally overwhelmed by the world of queerness that he had no experience with.

Straight didn’t feel right--and that was scary in and of itself--but he also wasn’t ready to declare himself as gay or bi or pan or any of the other letters. He just… wasn’t sure yet. So he was Questioning.

And boy was he questioning.

Everything.

What did this mean? Would he have to come out to his family if he decided he was gay? Or bi? Should he tell them now that he was questioning? Or wait until he figured it out 100%? When would that happen?

He couldn’t imagine his family being too cool about it, not that they were cool about much to begin with. When did he start caring about what they think anyways? He’d gotten piercings, dyed and cut his hair, snuck out, and done pretty much anything to piss them off and free himself just a little bit. If being gay pissed them off, he shouldn’t care! But would he? Wait, when did he decide he was gay? He wasn’t! Was he?

His phone buzzing on the couch next to him snapped him out of his thoughts, and he jerked in surprise, sending his snack flying. He hissed as the bowl clattered onto the floor, spilling cheese puffs everywhere.

He was on his knees scooping them back into the bowl frantically with his hands when he heard a door creak open. Before he could react, Gon was standing over him, a strange smile on his face.

“Want some help?”

“Oh, no thanks I’ve got it.” He threw the last puff back into the bowl and dumped them all into the trash. “Sorry if the bowl dropping woke you up.”

“It’s okay, it didn’t wake me up, I couldn’t sleep anyways.”

“Did the storm scare you or something?”

“No, ” his brow was furrowed and his lips formed a small pout. “I usually sleep like well on stormy nights. I don’t know why I’m so awake right now. I was thinking maybe I’m homesick.”

“Ah” Killua flopped onto the couch, pouring more chips into the bowl.

“Is that why you’re awake? The storm scared you?”

He scoffed. “No, I just have a lot on my mind, I guess.”

“Can I join you?”

“Uh, yeah, sure”

He made room on the couch and Gon sat down next to him. When he started tugging at the blanket, Killua just stared in confusion. He kept tugging until, finally understanding, Killua pulled the blanket off of himself and spread it over the both of them. Gon scooted in closer and let out a contented sigh. Their arms and thighs were touching, and Killua was doing his best to remain calm. Were they supposed to be sitting this close? Gon was always kinda touchy feely, and Killua had never really had friends like this before, was this just what friends did? They were watching tv, that was normal. Was he just overthinking?

“So, what’s on your mind, Killua?”

He almost jumped out of his skin. “I..uh, what?”

“You said you had a lot on your mind, and if it was keeping you from sleep I thought you might wanna talk about it.”

“Oh, no... I’m okay, just thinking about school stuff, yknow, homework and whatever.”

Gon just chuckled in response.

“What’s so funny?” he huffed.

“Nothing, it’s just that you’re a terrible liar.”

Killua’s mouth fell open in surprise.

“I am not! I-”

“It’s okay, we don’t have to talk about whatever is bothering you.” He reached for another cheesepuff from the bowl in Killua’s lap. “It’s also okay if you’re scared of storms.” He smiled as he pushed the chip into his mouth.

“I’m not scared, Gon. Just couldn’t sleep. Seriously.”

“Okay, Killu, whatever you say. You know, storms used to scare me when I was younger. Mito-san always calmed me down with herbal tea and sometimes she’d sing to me. Did your parents ever do anything to help soothe you on stormy nights?”

“Well, no, not really. Not that storms ever scared me,” he side-eyed Gon, “but they’re not really the comforting type anyway so it wouldn’t matter anyway.”

“Oh?” Gon’s eyes were wide, not with judgement, but with genuine curiosity. “What are your parents like then? Tell me about them.”

Killua sighed. ”They weren’t really around much. Though I don’t think it’s because their jobs are super cool.“ Gon laughed and he pressed on.

“My dad is a criminal defense lawyer, just like his dad before him and his dad before him. My mom’s a criminal psychologist, so they make a great team. They both went to fancy colleges and come from rich families. All they really care about is maintaining social standing and images, and the family name, and of course money. They throw a lot of parties and dinners for clients and their colleagues, so I spent a ton of my life, including most holidays, stuffed into a stiff penguin suit with a fake smile speaking only when spoken to and never about what was actually on my mind.”

Gon frowned, his eyes were intense and urged him to continue.

“They’re only ever involved with my life when they’re trying to control it. I had to fight with them for months to let me go to a college so far from home. They wanted me to go to my father’s alma mater and get a law degree and eventually run the firm with my older brother,” he rolled his eyes. “But they’ve never once asked me what I want to do, or how I want to live.”

“What do you want to do?”

Killua blinked in surprise. “I, uh… well, I’m not really sure yet,” he dropped his head, staring at the bowl in his lap, “I really don’t know. But I want the freedom to figure it out for myself. Without their pressure or judgement.”

“That’s more than fair. You’re your own person, you should be able to make your own decisions!” Gon’s brow was furrowed, his mouth set in a tight line, clearly upset with what he’d just heard. Killua couldn’t help but smile; it was nice to have someone on his side for once.

“How did you get them to let you come here?”

“I told them if they didn’t let me pick where I went, I wouldn’t go at all.” A devious smile spread on his face at the memory of his mother crying and father standing stone faced with his arm crossed as he held up his acceptance letter.

Gon giggled. “What a power move! Were you being serious? Or bluffing?”

“Well, I just kinda went for it during an argument with them and then stuck to my guns when they pushed it further. I hadn’t really thought about whether or not they would actually agree to my terms. If they’d said no I guess I would’ve taken a year off or something to piss them off, and see if that changed their mind. Luckily, they went with it, and they’ve been pretty quiet since I left. I imagine when semester grades start coming out they’ll be calling. They’ll probably also be on my ass when they find out I haven’t declared a law major yet. Or any major for that matter.”

“You should take all the time you need! It’s okay to not have everything figured out just yet.”

Killua looked at Gon for a moment. His amber eyes were burning into him, full of care and concern. Killua felt so seen and it was...really nice, actually. His heartbeat speeding up was kind of annoying, though.

“Yeah, thanks. Hopefully I figure something out soon though, I think it’ll be easier to tell them I’m not pursuing law if I actually have an alternative to present them with.”

“That makes sense. I still think you should be able to take all the time you need to decide. It’s only fair.”

Killua swallowed nervously around the lump in his throat. Those words held so much weight. He certainly had a lot to think about and decide for himself, and not just what his major would be. Time sounded like exactly what he needed. “Thanks Gon.”

“Of course Killua! I’m your friend, and I support you, even if your parents don’t.” He smiled at Killua and then looked away, his face suddenly falling. “You know, it’s funny, you came to college to make your own life away from your parents, and I came to college to get closer to my dad and to shape my life to be like his. Makes me wonder if I'm doing the right thing. It hurt that he wasn't around and I guess that's why I want to follow in his footsteps. I just...I want it to be so great that I understand why it was worth leaving me.”

Killua had no idea what to say, but before he could figure it out, Gon was speaking again, his expression back to normal.

“You mentioned your brother, what’s he like? Is he supportive? Is he happy following in your father’s footsteps?”

He let out a bitter laugh. “Illumi does whatever he’s told, and he doesn’t complain. They like to bring him up a lot when I’m going against their wishes. He’s their perfect son, and life would be easier for all of us if I were more like him. He doesn’t support me or whatever, but to be fair, I don’t talk to him much, so he doesn’t really get the chance to anyway.”

“Is he your only sibling?”

“No, there’s actually five of us. Illumi, Milluki, Me, Kalluto, and Alluka.”

“Wow, that’s so many! I’m an only child, I always wanted siblings growing up.”

“Heh, that’s funny, growing up I always wanted to be an only child.” He laughed, Gon did too, though he looked a bit concerned.

“Alluka is really the only one I can talk to and spend time with.She still listens to mom and dad, she’s younger than me and still under their thumb, but she’s smart and down to earth. She sees through their bullshit and doesn’t buy into the life they push on us. Kalluto is up mom’s ass, and Illumi is up dad’s, and Milluki only cares about their money and his stupid tech start up. So it’s nice to not be alone against them, she always looks out for me, and I do the same for her.”

“I’m glad you have each other! I hate the thought of you all alone against your whole family. Even though I’m sure you could handle it, it’s nice to have someone on your side.”

Killua’s heart flipped in his chest. Ugh, why does that keep happening?

“Yeah, I’m glad we have each other too. I worry about her now that I’m so far away though. I know she can handle herself, but my parents are the worst, and I was always the buffer.”

Gon looked...angry? But he didn’t say anything immediately. He seemed to be mulling things over. “I don’t mean any offense, but your parents sound really mean.”

“I mean, they’re not nice by any stretch, but they don’t hit us or anything. Controlling and judgemental for sure, but it’s mostly cold indifference.”

Gon paused, turning his head to look directly into his eyes. Killua gulped.

“Just because your family didn’t give you much attention or show you kindness and affection, doesn’t mean you don’t deserve those things!” he emphasized his point by squeezing Killua’s hand under the blanket.

Killua’s cheeks were suddenly on fire, no doubt turning bright pink, and he was grateful the only light in the room was from the tv.

“Thanks, Gon.”

He didn’t have the nerve to squeeze back, he also didn’t quite expect the twinge of disappointment he felt when Gon let go of his hand.

After that, they fell into a comfortable silence, the storm was still raging on outside, the bowl of cheese puffs now laid discarded on the floor, and the baking show they’d been watching was entering the semi final. Gon let out a long yawn, stretching his limbs and leaning into Killua’s side.

His proximity fried his brain. He was trying his best to relax, but he felt stiff from head to toe with anxiety. It wasn’t that he didn’t want Gon close to him, it was just so new. When he felt Gon’s head fall onto his shoulder and rest there, he thought his heart was going to beat out of his chest. He was suddenly aware of his breathing and every move he made. He didn’t want to move or do anything to disturb Gon, so he decided the best course of action was to just relax. He focused on calming his breathing, and after a while his heartbeat was a little less frantic, and his body a little less tense.

He wasn’t used to this. Not just the cuddling, but the soft touches on his arm when they spoke sometimes, the hand on his shoulder when Gon was laughing extra hard, or the high fives and sometimes hugs when Gon was excited... It all felt so foreign. But still, as strange as it was to him, he couldn’t help but lean into it. Gon’s gravitational pull was seemingly inescapable.

In this moment, with Gon laying against him, head on his shoulder, it actually felt kind of... nice to be close to someone. He was warm and cozy as their body heat mingled under the blanket, and Gon was soft and solid against him. It was comforting in a way he’d never experienced, and couldn’t quite describe. When he actually let himself enjoy the affection instead of overthinking it, it felt pretty amazing. Without even realizing, he slowly began to let his guard down.

With Gon next to him he was actually distracted from his anxiety thoughts long enough for sleep to creep it’s way in. He felt so secure and comfortable, and it made him a little angry that he was falling asleep, he didn’t want this moment to end. When his eyelids started to feel heavy he knew he couldn’t fight it anymore.

He whispered, “Gon, I’m getting pretty tired, I think I’m gonna head to bed.”

No response.

He tried a little louder this time, “Gon?”

Nothing.

He slowly craned his neck to the side and saw that Gon’s face was slack, and his eyes were closed. He was asleep. His first thought was to gently wake him up so they could head their separate ways and go to bed. But when he tried to move, he just didn’t have it in him. His second thought was that maybe it would be okay to just let himself fall asleep. To let himself fall into the warmth and comfort of the moment, and to let his head gently rest against Gon’s as he drifted to sleep. And so he did.

#brighter than the sun #mine #killugon #gonkillu #killua #gon #killua zoldyck #gon freeccs #hxh #hunter x hunter #hunterxhunter #killugon fic #killugon fanfic

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lemonadelyric · 4 years

Note

ALL.THE QUESTIONS FOR THAT ASK MEME

1. What do you identify as and what are your pronouns? I use he/him pronouns, please! And I have a lot of identities so uh, be warned. I'm nonbinary! Not really sure on gender, or any specifics. I'm pretty fluid between andro/masc/fem so??? It's a big Question Mark. I'm polyamorous! I'm in a handful of relationships but they're all important to me. I'm also pretty open about loving and appreciating my friends too! I'm pansexual! I'm also panromantic and nebularomantic! I know people debate on pansexual/polysexual/bisexual all the time, and honestly I just go with pan cause I like the flag colors xD But also, it's basically me saying I feel attraction not based on gender/presentation! 2. How did you discover your sexuality, tell your story? Oh oof okay so. I noticed it since I was YOUNG. I always thought girls were cute?? I'm AFAB, for the record. But I always figured that was something everyone was into. Then some people were talking about lesbians and such, and I was like "Well yeah, I'd kiss a girl" SO YOU CAN IMAGINE HOW WELL THAT WENT OVER. People asked me if I was gay, and I didn't think I was? I liked boys too! Wasn't until probably high school that I finally settled on "Yeah, I'm bi." and then discovered the whole gender spectrum and being nonbinary and so much just fell into place 3. Have you experienced being misgendered? What happened and how did you overcome it? So I present pretty andro, I think! I don't try to fit a masc/fem scale but like, in person I don't really make a big deal out of it. There was a stretch of time where I went by she/her still, even as a nonbinary. But I switched to he/him about a year ago and it's just GOOD for me. Well.... Someone I really don't like joined the chat where I first decided to go by he/him. They joined, and they bitched to the mods about not liking me, but they called me "she/her" EVEN WITH he/him being in my intro. The mods were friends of mine and corrected them and were DEFINITELY on edge and asked me if I ever went by she/her or if they were purposefully misgendering me. 4. Who was the first person you told, how did they react? I'm pretty sure it was my boyfriend, Eric! They didn't give a shit HAHA, and have been all respectful and everything. 5. Describe what it was like coming out, what did you feel? So I don't actually remember when I told them? But it wasn't a big deal actually. 6. If you’re out, how did your parents/guardians/friends react? Oof so, I don't think I ever straight up told my mom. But I don't really care what she thinks anyways LOL I did have to tell Eric's parents, though! When we were poly and dating our qpp Reina. (Didn't want to explain those details and shit to them). But telling them that meant telling them I'm gay haha. They totally didn't care and have been so welcoming and accepting, i love them so much ;;w;; 7. What is one question you hate people asking about your sexuality? "Why do you need to be polyamorous do you not love your partners does that just mean you want to sleep around you're just using it as an excuse to cheat on your partners" All said from people who don't know shit about being poly. 8. Describe the style of clothing that you most often wear. Oh god this is so boring. I just wear jeans and tshirts xD Nothing special or SUPER GAY. 9. Who are your favourite lgbt+ ships? ROSE/PEARL FROM STEVEN UNIVERSE I don't consume a lot of lgbt media apparently, huh. 10. What does makeup mean to you? Do you wear any? Sometimes! Usually no, though. I like eyeliner most of the time. 11. Do you experience dysphoria? If so, how does that affect you? YES. So with my chest it's more frequent, I also just don't like being as fat as I am. SO that's half my body problems. Bottom stuff is less frequent but usually during That Time Of The Month (Which, I actually haven't had for YEARS, but I started getting again recently, I hate it.) 12. What is the stupidest thing you’ve heard said about the lgbt+ community? "Oh yeah I'm inclusive of ace/aro people in the LGBT community!! You have a chemical imbalance in your brain which makes you just like us!!!" Like.. what the fuck. 13. What’s your favourite thing about the lgbt+ community? I love how we're all THERE for each other! You join a chat, go "Hey I'm gay" and we're like "GAY??? GAY???? GAY???? GAY????" we're like dogs LMAO 14. What’s your least favourite thing about the lgbt+ community? Sick of transmeds and terfs and ace/aro exclusionists and shit, fuck off my blog. Also??? Can we stop making jokes about MOGAI identities and shit??? "Lmao this gender is based on being a special snowflake" cool shut up, let people live damn, it's not that hard to just respect people. 15. Have you ever been to your cities pride event? Why or why not? Nope :c Everywhere I've lived either 1. there wasn't any close to me/I wasn't out, or 2. ITS TOO DANGEROUS TO GO, or 3. I don't have a car lmao. 16. Who is your favourite lgbt+ Icon/Advocate/Celebrity? Lil Nas X, hands down. He's a great dude. 17. Have you been in a relationship and how did you meet? I'm in three right now!! So the first is Eric, we met on an online rp chat website thingy! Second is Chander, we met through a mutual friend and we knew each other like a year then within the span of like two months we started dating and now we live together, 2.5 years later xD Third is Jay! I met him through a kin Discord, we've been friends over a year but it took a few months before we started dating! 18. What is your favourite lgbt+ book? Y'know I don't think I've ever read one. Uhhh... I mean the Black Dagger Brotherhood has a gay couple??? Does that count??? xD 19. Have you ever faced discrimination? What happened? Slightly! Most of mine is about being polyamorous. I have people tell me "That's not enough to be lgbt" paying 0 attention to me also being nonbinary and pansexual. Also had people tell me I'm not trans enough to be nonbinary because I don't want to transition. 20. Your Favorite lgbt+ movie or show? One Day At A Time? That's about the only one I can think of LOL 21. Who are some of your favourite lgbt+ bloggers? Uuhhh I don't really follow bloggers. 22. Which lgbt+ slur do you want to reclaim? QUEER and gay itself. People act like "gay" was never used against the lgbt community like, bitch, if Hillary fuckin' Duff has to tell some stupid teens in a PSA to not use "gay" like that, then I'm reclaiming it, shut up. 23. Have you ever gone to a gay bar, or a drag show, how was it? Nope and nope. 24. How do you self-identify your gender, and what does that mean to you? I'm nonbinary! I use he/him pronouns and it pretty much just means I don't wanna be a boy or a girl. I don't mind being called like "You're a good guy" or whatever. 25. Are you interested in having children? Why or why not? Not really? I'm very selfish and self-centered, I don't think I could handle having a child xD 26. What identity advice would you give your younger self? "You don't have to figure this all out right now! You have time! Also, make friends with gay people. They're not some closed community where if you join and you're wrong they abandon you." 27. What do you think of gender roles in relationships? Eh, nah. Like I'm a big "Yeah sure I'll do laundry and dishes" or whatever. But I'd rather share responsibilities! 28. Anything else you want to share about your experience with gender? I've been questioning and trying to identify my gender a lot more and get more specific, but I'm in no rush. 29. What is something you wish people know about being lgbt+? We're just people, man. That's it. That's all there it to it. You don't have to have the same feelings as us, but just give us the right to love and marry who we want, or not do that, or have our relationships look however we want. 30. Why are proud to be lgbt+? I'm proud to be LGBT because it means I'm in a community of people who are accepting and caring. It's like a family wherever you go.

Thank you for the asks <3

#anxietylich

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lorewytch · 5 years

Text

Walls

Ooookayyyyyy.....I may have written something XDDDDDDD

So, the other things I had been writing had to take a back seat to this honestly. I couldn’t help it!!!!

I thought of another unique duo that might have some interesting things to talk about. While I reallllyyy want to see a Della and Webby episode. I also really wanted to write this piece between Lena and Della. Now, Lena needs a moment with Scrooge too I feel. But I couldn’t help but feel that this particular conversation needed to be said. Webs could never say these things to Della. But Lena, who was by her side through it all...who was her shadow through everything had every right to. It also shows how unsure Lena herself is about her own position in the family. Now I don’t feel this was intentional by the writers to not give Webby and Della much screen time. After all the episode was about Della, the boys and Scrooge. But I could see this happening within the next few weeks, especially with how the episodes were panning out. Webby doing her own thing without the boys, Dewey spending more time with Della etc. I just thought this really needed to be written out for some reason. Besides, I really wanted to see how these two would act towards each other.

Not sure if I made Della believable enough.....But I tried! Sorry if she’s a little out of character! XDD

“Lena!” Webby yelled, fear in her eyes and she reached out towards her best friend.

“Mom!” Was the chorus of boys next to her, likewise reaching for their moms arm which was outstretched.

Lena’s fear was masked at seeing Webby’s tear stained gaze.

OH geez pink, don’t look like that…..was her last thought as she and Della vanished from their view into the abyss below.

When she and Della awoke, they were alone deep within the mine. Looking up, Della saw nothing but darkness and the room they were currently being held within was made of solid rock. No way out.

Lena felt herself sighing, sitting in a opposite side of the room and simply just trying to think of a way out. But even she knew it was more or less hopeless at this point. She could only hope Webby and the boys would find a way to save them. Della was busy trying to use a rock to chip away at the wall near her. Only for it to cave in and form a new mound of rocks and dust where she had just been working.

Letting out a frustrated noise, she slammed the rock down and then glanced over at Lena, who averted her gaze and rolled her eyes with a sigh.

Rubbing the back of her neck, Della walked cautiously towards the teen duck with a nervous chuckle. “Um, I’m sure they will find a way to get to us!” she said with a bright voice.

Lena eyed her, then looked back down. “I know, pink will lead the boy band and Scrooge to us.” She said without emotion.

Della laughed a bit nervously and sat next to Lena. “Right! We just need to wait it out.”

Cue the awkward silence.

Fidgeting a bit, Della grit her beak. Glancing around nervously. Eyes darting every now and again to Lena.

Lena tried to ignore it, but it was grating on her nerves.

“What?” she asked, turning to look at Della with a slight glare.

Wincing at the others harsh look, Della held up her hands in surrender. “Nothing! Nothing…its just..”

Lena raised an eyebrow.

Della sighed and rubbed her arm. “It’s just, I was wondering what I did wrong..”

Lena frowned.

“It’s just that..you have seemed cold to me ever since we met. I mean its none of my business. But I don’t remember doing anything wrong and I was…just..” Della fumbled a bit with her words. But the fact of the matter was, she didn’t remember doing anything to hurt Lena in the least. But since she has met the girl she’s had nothing but attitude, even Scrooge and Beakley have noticed. They did mention that Lena had been under Magica’s thumb her entire existence. Being used as little more than a puppet. Yet Webby, the only one she truly trusted, broke that ice around her soul… She saved Lena’s heart.

“Don’t flatter yourself, Cyborg.” Lena spat, standing up and clenching her hands into fists. “As much as you would like to believe it, not everythings about you.” She stated and took a couple steps. “Who says I have to be friendly towards you? I hardly know you.”

“Well, yeah true but…” Della started but Lena spun around to face her, eyes narrowed.

“You can’t expect everyone to just accept you just because you come bursting into their lives and causing all sorts of confusion and tearing friends apart!” realizing she might have said too much, Lena shut her beak and spun back around, crossing her arms across her chest.

But Della looked on slack jawed and suddenly very confused. “Wait, but I haven’t torn anyone apart.”

Lena bit her beak so hard it was a wonder it didn’t crack. “Yeah right.” She mumbled. “Whatever.” She walked towards the other side of their prison.

“No, wait! Who have I broken up?” Della demanded, frowning a bit. “You aren’t making any sense!”

Lena let out an annoyed growl and slammed a webbed foot onto the earth. “I don’t get why Webby doesn’t be more direct!” She shook her head and held it before turning and marching up to a terrified Della. “Look I will only say this once!!”

Blinking, Della slowly nodded not breaking eye contact with the teen.

Lena sighed and crossed her arms. “I doubt anyone’s really noticed. But since you came back my best friend’s been an emotional wreak.” In pain, Lena looked away, clenching her arm tightly. “Of course the loveable idiot won’t say anything and just smile happily at everyone. It’s Webby. She’s not one to get really mad or hold grudges.” Glaring back at Della, she put herself in the others face. “Webby already is unsure of her true place in this family and then you come and…..and…..make things more complicated!”

Della’s eyes darted about as she was absorbing what Lena was saying.. “Wait…what? How am I responsible for that?!”

“Dewey’s her best friend! She and the triplets go on adventures all the time with Scrooge! Suddenly your back and they all want to go on adventures with you! The night she came back she was crying because of the fact she tried so hard to meld within the Duck and McDuck family since she barely had one of her own and you come in and take her place!”

“I’m not taking her place!” Della snapped back. “I just want to spend time with my family!”

“Well Webby is a part of it now too and you hardly have spoken two sentences to her!” Lena shot back.

Silence.

Della’s shocked, and slightly horrified expression gave Lena a bit of satisfaction. Then realization of what she said made her groan and slump down on her knees. Covering her head with her arms and moaned. “What did I just do?! Webby’s gonna kill me!”

Della felt slight tears in her eyes and she closed them, shaking her head slightly and walking over to Lena. Putting a comforting hand on her shoulder, Lena’s head jerked up and a glare met a warm smile.

The glare melted into a confused and guarded expression.

“You really are a good friend Lena.” Della said.

Yanking her shoulder away, she took a step back. “What is that supposed to mean?”

Della chuckled and slumped to her knees. “Come here..”

“No way.” Lena blew a stray feather from her face.

Della sighed. “I think…….you may be right..”

Lena blinked and raised an eyebrow.

“Uncle Scrooge was right.” Della laughed. “Things have really changed.” She closed her eyes. “I was so focused on Scrooge and the boys…..I really was.” Brushing a hand through her hair, Della slammed her other fist into the earth beneath her.

Lena’s guarded expression fractured a bit. “Hey what are you-“

“I’m sorry…to both you and Webby…I am not intending to take Webby’s place at all. I swear it.” She looked up, determined into Lena’s gaze.

Lena’s frown returned, going back to crossing her arms. “Whatever, look just forget I said anything. If you tell Webby anything I said here you are going to have shadow monsters haunt your dreams until you die.” She said darkly.

A shiver crept up Della’s spine and she laughed a bit, slapping her hand on the others back. Lena’s split second surprised reaction was enough to make Della grin more.

“How about next adventure will be a girls day out. You, me, Webby…ah you can even bring your new friend…..Violet is it?”

Turning her head towards Della, Lena slowly moved back around to face her with arms crossed. “Whats the catch?” she asked suspiciously.

“No catch.” Della said seriously. “I do want to get to know you both as well. Scrooge himself has mentioned you and what happened during the Shadow War.” Della said seriously, placing her hands on Lena’s shoulders. “I admit… I’m still trying to figure out this whole…being a mom thing. But the last thing I want is for anyone to feel lost, left alone and isolated.” She looked deeply within Lena’s eyes showing how serious she was.

Lena broke the gaze, her guard all but vanished. “Look, I know you aren’t a bad person…..and its not like me and pink need a mom.” Webby had a mom already, even if she was gone. “But a…..” she swallowed. “A actual decent A-Aunt….might be okay.” She mumbled.

Della smiled softly. “Come here!” She grabbed Lena and dragged the flailing teen into a hug that she could not escape from.

“What?! NO! Let go!” Lena struggled.

“Nope! Not happening! Comes with being a part of this family!” She squeezed the groaning teen tighter.

Finally, Lena gave in and sighed. Slowly she hugged the other back. The two pulled away and Lena gave her a slight smile.

Just as the wall next to them exploded.

Blinking, the two snapped their heads to the wall, which a giant hole was blasted through. There as the dust settled, stood a panting Webby Vanderquack. She held a pick ax in one hand. In the other a stick of dynamite. She was dirty, feathers covered in several layers of grime. She held a determined face, gritting her beak in concentration. She had a few burns on her body but once she saw Lena her eyes brightened.

“LENA!” Jumping up and running towards her, She tackled her friend and together the two tumbled to the ground laughing.

Della watched them for a bit, smiling slightly. Then she heard three calls of “MOM!” She turned to see her boys tackle her into a tight hug as well.

Lastly Scrooge emerged looking at the group with a chuckle.

Della hugged her boys with gusto and slowly led them over to the girls. Grabbing Lena’s shirt, she dragged Lena and Webby in and before they knew it all were hugging one another.

Scrooge approached looking winded himself.

“How did you guys find us?” Della asked.

Scrooge happened a glance at Webby and chuckled. “Well the kids were so worried, I looked at the map and thought of a place where ye might have fallen. It was blocked with several miles of rocks though. That wouldn’t stop Webbigail though. She refused to let ye two stay trapped down here.”

Della’s eyes widened and she looked down at the smiling duckling. “She did this?”

Scrooge looked impressed too. “She’s a fireball that’s for sure. Nothing stops her, like a certain other niece I know.”

Looking at Webby in a slightly new light, she sat a hand on the young ducklings head. Glancing up curiously, Webby blinked at Della’s smile as she saw herself within the young duckling. If Webby could do all of this at her age, she wondered what else she could do.

“Hey Webby listen..” Della lowered herself to the others height.

“Yes Ms. Duck?” Webby’s voice was all business.

Della frowned. “Now none of that…its Della.” She smirked. “Now I think you, me and your friends.” She indicated Lena. “Need a girls day.” She said winking.

Blinking, Webby’s eyes shifted from guarded to glistening. Her smile split her face and she could barely contain her energy. “Really?!?!”

“Ugh, wait are you going to have a sleep over or something?” Dewey asked with a frown.

Della smirked. “Something like that.” She hugged her boys tightly to herself. “You don’t mind me stealing her away for a bit do you?” she asked curiously.

Dewey frowned, glancing at Webby then back to his mom. Louie did the same. “Bro huddle!” he called and grabbed Huey and Louie. Together they whispered for a bit and stepped away. Nodding to each brother, Huey went over to Webby, arm around the confused girls shoulder protectively and leading her closer. Louie and Dewey faced their mom with arms crossed.

“Okay mom, you can have Webby and Lena for the day. BUT-“ Dewey started.

“But only if they are back home within a certain time frame.” Louie continued, smirking at Lena, who rolled her eyes.

“Webby and Lena are our important family too.” Huey gave Webby a hug, which she generously responded in kind. “So don’t do anything too reckless.” He cautioned.

“I’m sure whatever Cyborg here can come up with isn’t as crazy as the things we have already be on.” Lena smirked.

Dewey suddenly shivered. “I will never look at trees the same way again..”

Della cringed a bit at that and then smiled at her boys. “You all really love Webby don’t you?”

All three froze and turned to their mom with embarrassed faces.

“Mooooommmmm” Dewey covered his face with his hands which made Lena laugh.

Huey opted to ignore the comment and instead instructed their mom on how to handle Webby in the field. “Now she is easily distracted and will often jump into things head first. Oh, watch out for her grappling hook. Sometimes she doesn’t watch where she points it. Oh yeah, she likes to lick random things…..” He continued to list off things while Webby was still standing there, blinking a bit.

Louie was shaking his head and leaned against Lena. She rolled her eyes and moved a bit, letting the green boy fall to the ground with a smirk.

“Hey watch it!”

“I am not a wall.” Lena shot back with a satisfied expression.

After another few minutes of lecture finally the boys relented. All three giving Webby a hug and grin. Webby herself felt so full of warmth at that moment. She felt so loved that she cried a bit as she held them and declared that she loved everyone.

Scrooge shed a tear or two, but hid it quickly. “Ack okay then..” he made a stern face. “Lets get out of here before the rest of this places comes down upon our heads!”

He left with the boys in toe.

Lena followed after, leaving Webby with Della.

Della got to her feet and extended a hand towards Webby. Hesitating only a second, she smiled and reached up, grasping onto it tightly.

“So Webby, what’s your opinion on the Crown of Iris?”

#ducktales #one shot #della #lena #webby #huey dewey and louie #scrooge #fanfic #talking out feelings #bonding #I really want them to have a girls day ;_;#They all deserve a place in the family #unresolved emotions #I cried a bit at the end...

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loucifieri · 6 years

Text

To Hell and Back (v3 HPA AU)

[Part 1]

It’s a bigger hot mess than the previous one lol

04/21/18 09:21PM

ShirogaNYEH: welcome back! previously, Akamatsu-san creates a group chat, Ouma-kun uses it to stir some shit and in the end, a subtle confession was made!

starlord: shirogane what the heck weve been chatting continuously

Maki Roll: yeah what are you even going on about

ShirogaNYEH: but it's not the same case with the audience

starlord: what audience??

Lord Panta: can we go back to my moment

chaotic lesbean: no go away

Lord Panta: ANYWAY

Lord Panta: is it true Saihara-chan??

Lord Panta: do you find me irresistible?

The Only Hope For Me Is You: I wouldn't use that adjective but yeah

The Only Hope For Me Is You: you're hard to ignore

Lord Panta: !!!!!!

The Only Hope For Me Is You: since you constantly demand attention

The Only Hope For Me Is You: You're like an annoying itch that just won't go away

starlord: ooooh SHOT DOWN

Treblemaker: Damn Shuichi-kun, didn't think you would be a harsh heartbreaker

Do You Believe In Magic: lol rip........

Maki Roll: good job saihara

Lord Panta: I

Lord Panta: …

Lord Panta: that's hot

dumb blonde slut: haha the purple twink is obviously a bottom

Lord Panta: bitch it takes one to know one :)

dumb blonde slut: eek n-no im not

starlord: he didnt even deny it

Robot Rights Activist: I backlogged and I seem to recall you express dissatisfaction over your assigned nickname, Iruma-san

Robot Rights Activist: Why haven't you changed it yet?

Lord Panta: coz she actually likes it, duh

dumb blonde slut: piss off cockichi

dumb blonde slut: awww kibs ur concerned!! i always knew u were in love with me

Robot Rights Activist: I do not.

Treblemaker: yeouch

starlord: so many crushed hearts tonite

Lord Panta: EAT SHIT AND DIE DUMB BLONDE SLUT

Treblemaker: Hey! No attacking!

Imma meme: you literally attacked me moments ago smh

Kork: This is a mess.

dumb blonde slut: dont get ur panties in a twist, idiot virgins

dumb blonde slut: the great iruma miu is too gorgeous 2 be affected by this shit

dumb blonde slut: im hella gay anyway

chaotic lesbean: you go Iruma-san!!

Robot Rights Activist: Still, I apologize if I came across as rude in any way! It was not my intention.

dumb blonde slut: dont beat urself too much over it kibs

Treblemaker: Aww Iruma-san really has a soft spot for Idabashi-kun

The Only Hope For Me Is You: Uh, Kaede-san, I assume you have your headphones on because I've been knocking on your door for awhile now and you haven't shifted from your position to indicate that you will answer the door.

ShirogaNYEH: truly a detective,,,

Treblemaker: oh shit sorry!!

chaotic lesbean: AND WHAT IS A DEGENERATE LIKE YOU DOING IN THE FEMALE AREA OF THE DORM THIS LATE AT NIGHT

Treblemaker: It's fine Chabashira-san!! Shuichi-kun usually comes over so we can gossip or whatever

chaotic lesbean: WHAT??? USUALLY??????

Maki Roll: wow Saihara, you managed to sneak past chabashira several times already, im impressed

The Only Hope For Me Is You: Thank you Harukawa-san! I feel validated.

Lord Panta: is there really NOTHING going on between you two

The Only Hope For Me Is You: Kaede-san is my bestfriend??

Treblemaker: Yeah, why does that bother you so much Ouma-kun?

Kork: He likely feels envious of your relationship.

Lord Panta: lol no

starlord: sure jan

Lord Panta: quick question what are yall sexual orientations

imma meme: im fabulously gay

chaotic lesbean: isn't it obvious

dumb blonde slut: dont have 2 repeat myself

Do You Believe In Magic: ace...... sexual attraction is tiring.........

ShirogaNYEH: same!!

Kork: as am I.

Treblemaker: Actually, I'm Bi but I tend to prefer girls

starlord: well since were being honest ok im bi too

Maki Roll: same

Gokuhara Gonta: Gonta loves all!! And Hoshi-kun says he's Ace!

Treblemaker: Gonta-kun, it's getting really late. You and Hoshi-kun should start heading back here.

Gokuhara Gonta: Of course, Akamatsu-san!

Imma meme: spoken like another mom

Treblemaker: >:(

Robot Rights Activist: My attraction is not affected by one's sexual orientation

bitch I am the WAY: Angie is pan!~

The Only Hope For Me Is You: I'm gay

Lord Panta: YES!!!!

Maki Roll: wow he was not subtle AT ALL

Treblemaker: What about you @Mother Knows Best?

imma meme: why do you want to know (͠≖ ͜ʖ͠≖)

Treblemaker: It wouldn't be fair to leave out someone from a question addressed to everyone!

Treblemaker: also, another word amami and im bashing your head with a shot put ball

ShirogaNYEH: go get em Akamatsu-san!

imma meme: im having war flashbacks

Mother Knows Best: Thank you for your consideration, Akamatsu-san. Apologies for not replying the soonest as I had to attend to some last minute errands. To answer your query, my preference is of the same sex.

Lord Panta: okay cool thank you for your input everyone!!!

Maki Roll: you only wanted to know one person's tho

dumb blonde slut: how about bull balls what do u think his orientation is

starlord: are you referring to great gozu??

dumb blonde slut: yea dumbass

dumb blonde slut: oh fuck those huge man tits,,,

dumb blonde slut: annsd heds a wretslerr he g ets all sewaTYyna d

chaotic lesbean: OK TENKO HAS HEARD ENOUGH

Maki Roll: Iruma shut the fuck up

bitch I am the WAY: Angie hears moaning again and it is very disturbing~~

Treblemaker: To think our rooms are billed as soundproof...

The Only Hope For Me Is You: I am effectively traumatized tonight.

ShirogaNYEH: we need to take this up with the headmaster!!

imma meme: uhhh its kinda weird to explain how we discovered the walls arent entirely soundproof

imma meme: “our classmate was masturbating too loudly to thoughts about our homeroom teacher's man boobs”

Kork: Let us not prolong this discussion. Can someone take care of that horrid excuse of a human being.

bitch I am the WAY: oh, she has stopped

bitch I am the WAY: Ah, Angie hears loud noises of struggle

bitch I am the WAY: then some shuffling outside the hallway

bitch I am the WAY: it is dead quiet now

chaotic lesbean: what just happened

chaotic lesbean: Tenko was terrified to peek outside

Treblemaker: Harukawa-san we talked about this

Maki Roll: what? I didn't kill her

Hoshi Ryoma: yo

The Only Hope For Me Is You: Hello Hoshi-kun

Hoshi Ryoma: just got back in the dorm with gokuhara

Hoshi Ryoma: he want back to his room but

Hoshi Ryoma: im still in the lounge room rn

Hoshi Ryoma: im seein tojo with a gagged and immobile iruma wrapped in a blanket being dragged across the room to the front door

Hoshi Ryoma: tojo just dumped her out

Lord Panta: NISHISHISHI PUNISHMENT TIME

chaotic lesbean: :O

imma meme: what an ICON

Treblemaker: woah thats hot

bitch I am the WAY: she is doing Atua's work~~

Mother Knows Best: I was merely disposing of the trash.

Do You Believe In Magic: …..tnx mom........

The Only Hope For Me Is You: Best mom!

starlord: shouldn't that include ouma tho

Lord Panta: suck my dick spaceman

Robot Rights Activist: Language!

Lord Panta: da hell keeboy it wasnt even that crass

Gokuhara Gonta: Oh no! What has been going on here, friends?

chaotic lesbean: NOTHING! PLEASE CARRY ON WITH YOUR NORMAL NIGHTLY ROUTINE

starlord: hey gonta, buddy, do me a favor and dont backlog

Gokuhara Gonta: Alright, Momota-kun!

ShirogaNYEH: Gonta-kun should not be tainted in any way!!

ShirogaNYEH: we should probably let Iruma-san inside now though

Lord Panta: are you in league with the DEVOL

Maki Roll: not like you're any better

Mother Knows Best: Very well. I suppose she has learned her lesson, at least for this moment.

Imma meme: well this was wild

Treblemaker: Let's not talk about this ever again

The Only Hope For Me Is You: Group chats tend to spiral down into levels of insanity the longer we spend time in it

Kork: Might I suggest a more... family-friendly topic?

Treblemaker: What is it, Shinguji-kun?

Kork: Ghosts in Hope's Peak

starlord: FUCK NO

bitch I am the WAY: hmmm what about nicknames for Gonta and Ryoma!~

The Only Hope For Me Is You: Good idea, Angie-san

Gokuhara Gonta: Oh yes! Gonta is excited on what name friends will gift him!

Imma meme: okay we better not fuck this up then

Lord Panta: allow me~

Maki Roll removed Lord Panta from the chat

starlord: lol sniped again

imma meme: DEADT

chaotic lesbean: noone must ruin this special moment!!

Do You Believe In Magic changed Gokuhara Gonta to Good Noodle

imma meme: yumeno-san is our name-changing cryptid

Good Noodle: Thank you Yumeno-san! Gonta loves this nickname!

ShirogaNYEH: im,,, CRYING

chaotic lesbean: you're doing amazing, sweetie

Do You Believe In Magic changed Hoshi Ryoma to quail egg

ShirogaNYEH: s m o l b e a n

quail egg: NO

imma meme: hoshi-kun can literally punt us to the sun let's not baby him

starlord: not to mention that hes got a deeper voice than the rest of us guys

starlord: its so manly

The Only Hope For Me Is You: Momota-kun, your gay is showing

Treblemaker: Yay! Now everyone's got a nickname.

Treblemaker: We should probably add Ouma-kun back here.

quail egg: respectfully disagree

chaotic lesbean: you are too nice akamatsu-san!!!

ShirogaNYEH: funny how we somehow end up kicking Ouma-kun out the chat then add him later towards the end of the chapter...

starlord: ????

Treblemaker added Lord Panta to the chat.

Do You Believe In Magic changed Lord Panta to notto disu shitto agen

notto disu shitto again: i feel loved

dumb blonde slut: THE GREAT IRUMA MIU IS BACK YA DUMB VIRGINS

Maki Roll: fuck go back

Kork: This is the 10th Circle of Hell.

Mother Knows Best: I would like to inform everyone that the time is now five minutes past eleven in the evening. I believe this is the ideal time for all of us to get some rest as we have a class on Physical Education early morning.

Imma meme: omg I hate PE

notto disu shitto agen: but moooooom

Mother Knows Best: All of you go to sleep or I will not make breakfast for everyone tomorrow.

notto disu shitto agen: okay okay jeez

dumb blonde slut: yes mommy

starlord: aight mom

bitch I am the WAY: Apparently, Angie must postpone here sacrificial ritual tonight~~

ShirogaNYEH: awww I wont binge watch anime tonight then

Do You Believe In Magic: ….....good nyt...................

chaotic lesbean: Sleep well yumeno-chan <3

Do You Believe In Magic: …...........nyeh <3

Good Noodle: Goodnight everyone!

quail egg: night

dumb blonde slut: nyt cocksuckers

The Only Hope For Me Is You: Good night, all!

notto disu shitto agen: hey saihara-chan are you back at your room can i come over :v

The Only Hope For Me Is You: nah I'm sleeping over Kaede-san's tonight

notto disu shitto agen: WHAT

chaotic lesbean: WHAT

Mother Knows Best: Saihara-san, I am afraid I will have to escort you out. Now.

Imma meme: oof

nickname guide notto disu shitto agen: Ouma The Only Hope For Me Is You: Saihara Treblemaker: Akamatsu bitch I am the WAY: Yonaga starlord: momota shirogaNYEH: shirogane Mother Knows Best: tojo imma meme: amami Maki Roll: harukawa Do You Believe In Magic: yumeno chaotic lesbean: chabashira Kork: shinguji Robot Rights Activist: idabashi dumb blonde slut: iruma Good Noodle: gokuhara quail egg: hoshi

NDRV3 HPA AU Character Design Masterlist here and background information here [Facebook] [Instagram] [Twitter] [Blogger] [Kofi]

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flamewyrmz · 6 years

Text

a late night rant from twitter im putting in one place, because its a trainwreck of several threads there. mostly copy/paste and still not proofread, but a collection of thoughts on gender, sexuality, personal identity, and love and support within the lgbtq community. i do really lay myself bare here so id like to ask that if you disagree or have criticism you do so respectfully and with that in mind, thank you <3 and if this means something to you itd mean the world to me if you shared it

dunno if ive said this here before but like. if you think you might be bi/pan but youre on the fence cos maybe youve never had a crush on a nonfictional guy or get more crushes on guys than on girls and you find yourself tied up in knots like "well im gay but im also attracted to nonbinary people unless theyre mostly woman-aligned but i dont wanna say im bi/pan because then people will think i like girls and like i like them theoretically but--" let go. just say fuck it! im bi/pan!

try it out and if it doesnt feel right it doesnt feel right and thats fine and in the end no matter what youll have learned a little about yourself. this is actually my advice on any gender/sexuality dilemmas you might be having. go wild. try it out. see how it feels. dont feel like you have to confine yourself to something just because youve stuck with it for some amount of time.

if youre questioning dive right into the deep end! no matter how it goes youll be a better swimmer in the end. its all not quite rigid and a little fluid anyways (for some more than others obv) so if youre unsure, man... go for it. its ok to backpedal

this is important advice to me because ive struggled with it multiple times in the past and this has only recently clicked and i really wish it had sooner. first it was with being... not straight in general. like i was actively dating someone of the same gender and i never considered that that meant, uh, im not straight. always "do you like boys or girl?" "uhhhhhhhhh. uh. UH"

then with being in the range of aro/ace spect. then with being nonbinary! then with being nb but primarily male. and then goddammit im just a boy. accepting that God I Love Men And Only Men (and with it that i *wasnt* aro or ace in ANY capacity) and then, very recently (like up until a couple months ago. like im p sure this year. not 2017), going back on that and admitting i was bi. it is so so freeing to just say "fuck it" and test those waters!

hell, you find something you resonate with but looks a little silly? go for it! use those bun/buns/bunself pronouns. go with stargender! ace-flux demibiromantic? hell yeah rock that shit! it can always change and you can always decide its not right and go back! h4y dudes

all of that especially goes for teens who dont know what the fuck theyre doing. im only 20 yea and barely 20 at that but man i wish id heard this sooner

and please dont take that as me saying "well if youre a lesbian sexuality is fluid and maybe youre actually bi"! hell no. if youre a lesbian and you KNOW youre and lesbian and couldnt ever be anything else then rock on you funky little lesbian! but if you id as a lesbian but are teetering on something like "well im attracted to some fictional and theoretical men but not any real ones and maybe its just compulsory heterosexuality but im not sure and--" dont be afraid to try a different label. its all what feels right to you and theres absolutely no harm

people bash on like. """mogai genders""" and nounself pronouns and the split attraction model and all that and like. yeah! those things can hurt people! personally i struggled with the split attraction bit combined with how broadly people define the ace spectrum. it can be used to hurt. and it is used to hurt. sometimes its deliberate, sometimes its not. but the hurt is there. but its not inherently good or bad.

and yeah, some of it sounds silly. hell, it sounds silly to me sometimes! but to some people hearing that label makes everything click into place, even if just for a little bit, and i take that very seriously. it is one of the best feelings in the world and i want as many lgbtq people (of any age) to experience it.

for some people it feels right to zoom waaaaaaay in and section it into lots of little bits and for others its "fuck it! i dont know shit! im just queer!" and those are both equally valid (that words been thru 12 garbage disposals but i cant think of a better one) maybe you go back n forth and thats fine too! as long as youre open to it changing or being wrong it cant hurt and, like i said, its one of the best possible feelings to have it click like that

as an aside: being bi can *totally* mean "im attracted to men and nonbinary people are long are they arent primarily woman-aligned" or it can mean "im attracted to everyone fuck it" personally? i use bi over pan because i feel like it better encapsulates that i *do* have preferences (i say this all the time but God I Love Men) but ultimately gender doesnt really matter to me cos everyones cute and hot and generally attractive and im not leaving anyone out because im just a little more inclined to kissing boys. but thats me!

as Another aside: i do still to some degree identify with uhh this is gonna sound contradictory but agender boy? or more like boy agender? boygender with left none? i just dont personally feel like its worth taking the time to explain over n over. but it used to be, for me, n i dont regret that a single bit! i wouldnt regret that even if i *didnt* still feel that way in any capacity. honestly?

i dont regret any of the ways ive identified in the past even though feeling stuck and cornered into some got a little harmful to me (and if youve gone through somethin similar and DO regret it and wish youd never heard whatever term you used thats good too. im very strongly advocating for "use whatever labels you want and if it dont fit it dont fit" here but if they did hurt you and youre still hurting about it i understand 100% just dont use it to pull others down. if it concerns you say your piece and let them decide)

this is personally a little hard to admit so bear with me here

honestly? ANY sort of strong identity didnt start developing in me until i was.... 14 or so? and very slowly at that. like gender evened out around 18 and sexuality just a few months ago LMAO. but up until i was a teenager i didnt really feel much of anything re: gender or attraction (and the attraction thing is pretty normal for kids and even teens tbqh!)

and i just.... didnt really think about it! i had This Name and apparently was a girl and i didnt really get what it was like to BE a girl but thats what people said and i didnt know there were other options so i went with it! the name didnt bother me either (except for when people made jokes about a Certain Historical Figure with the same one. just thinking about that i get tired)

and when it came time to actually grapple with the whole concept of being *into* people i just kinda... slunk away! no joke until like 10th grade if someone started a rumor that i was dating x or y had a crush on me i would start to avoid them entirely. lost a friend in 4th grade that way but then in hs hed turned into a TOTAL DICK so no loss there. i think part of that was also people making the assumption that i was straight though? big shrug!

i didnt even realize attraction was a thing i had until i got asked out and just kind of "oh wow??? that sounds so nice??? i feel the same??? yes??" and thats WHY i went thru varying aro/ace labels. cos it unfolded slowly (which again is totally normal if youre a teenager, so dont worry about it if youre going thru that. roll with the punches. and if youre a teen and youve got it figured out? thats totally normal too!)

and the gender thing was similar once i learned that it was an actual possibility (especially being nb, and ESPECIALLY especially being agender) i slowly just... poked at it until i figured something out (fun fact: what set me off to finally go "fuck it im not a girl at all" was being stuck in an awful hair salon chair while my mom got a haircut that took FOREVERRRRRRRRR and i was having godawful period cramps. like i knew not being a girl wouldnt DO anything about them but i made that decision then n there n didnt look back!)

and then i kept pokin at it and watching it like the seed id planted finally started to sprout and i realized i didnt actually know what kind of seed it WAS. i guess ive always been very nebulous in those aspects and its just now forming into something solid. like i said, its a little hard to admit and i... dont think ive actually talked about this in this depth before to, like, anyone?

because the "oh ive always known" narrative is the only one you ever see in popular media and sometimes even from the community itself! and theres nothing wrong with having always known! but theres also nothing wrong with being like me! but i still feel a little anxious talking about it like it somehow means im a sham.

hell, id even go so far as to say i WAS a girl as a kid! i WAS varying shades of agender and nonbinary and ???? as a teen, and i AM, like, 95% a guy right now! maybe in a few years ill be something else. none of those things contradict each other. things like that can change! its not set in stone (but like i said: for some people it is! or, like, set in slime that you left out for 5 years so now its pretty much a rock but if you really try it still squishes into something else?? none of these things invalidate the others! were all unique).

i wouldnt say that at any point ive been cis or straight, cos even when i just went with being a girl and stuff it was always a little ??? but, yknow. even if i HAD been those things at some point it wouldnt matter to me? things just are the way they are and were the way they were

im making myself really vulnerable here and my thought process is a mess and i ramble and repeat myself and my memory and attention span is like 2 seconds and i dont proofread but. its important i think. i dont have a lot of followers and fewer still thatre active but... that really doesnt matter.

maybe someone will retweet at least one of these messy, messy threads. maybe link it to a friend. maybe screenshot it and post it on tumblr [note: LMAO YEAH AND ITS YOU DUMBASS], or to keep for themself. if any of my words help anyone out even a little then it matters and honestly? then its the most important thing in the whole danged world. if even one person sees any of the things ive said tonight and it means *anything* to them, even if just "oh, im not alone in this" then ive succeeded here.

i dont want any of us to ever feel trapped or alone because shit! lifes too fuckin short for that! its goddamn hard being anything but cisgender and straight! sometimes it sucks! like really sucks! there have been so many times ive broken down completely over being trans and felt like, for myself, its the most awful thing in the world. its why prides so important. its why community is so important.

because even when the pressure of the world brings you down so low you think youll never escape theres something or someone there to take your hand and pull you back up, put you on your feet, and say "i know its hard. and itll get hard again. but i believe in you, and youre strong enough for this, and im here with you through every step". that goes for anyone but especially goes for us. and im not just talking about lgbtq youth here. all of us. which is *why* im laying myself completely bare here.

most of this stuff? ive either never talked about or only vaguely mentioned. but im putting it out there. because there was a point where i needed it but didnt have it, and even if its just one person, i want to give someone this advice so at least they dont have to deal with the same stuff i did. and if youre reading this? i love you. im here for you. im my dms are always open and if for some reason they arent its almost definitely an accident and if you say something ill reopen them.

and if youre someone who hates me? maybe even mutually? if it came down to it id let you come to me at your lowest moment, no questions asked, no judgement held, and at the end of it still be the same kind of enemies we were before and never speak again. there are some exceptions of course but honestly ill forgive a lot for someone who needs that kind of support. and if youre one of the people this applies to, i know youll probably never take me up on it. i dont expect you to. i dont expect you to even for a second be comfortable with that idea. thats fine. but if for some reason you ever need it, its there.

i can count on one hand the ex friends that i wouldnt give that to and thats ONLY because theyve legitimately hurt me and left lasting damage (and for some of them? its mutual. and im sorry for that, regardless of how i feel about your treatment of me im truly sorry for my actions. that probably sounds fake and anyway i digress)

and if youre a complete stranger? someone who follows me but has never interacted with anything ive posted? a mutual i havent spoken to yet? im here. and im bumbling, and awkward, and not the best at comfort but you can always come to me if you need someone. im only one man and im under a lot of stress but i swear ill do the best i can, even if its only reading and replying 3 days later and even then just listening and offer whatever gentle comfort or reassurance youll accept.

because thats important to me. thats the impact i want to leave on this world. i dont ever want anyone to feel as small, as scared, as worthless, as alone as i have. im no fighter. im not going to lead any revolutions and hell im too anxious to even go to protests but im here for support. im here to help and heal. and thats important too

and if you listened to that? thank you. if you just skimmed? thank you for that too. if you shared it with someone? thank you (so much). and if you dont? thank you anyways, just for the time

just know this: i love you. i dont care who you are, if youre reading this i love you and im behind you 100%. im here if you need it. stay strong, do something that makes you smile if only for a moment. take that leap of faith. dont restrict yourself for even a second

i meant to go to bed at least two hours ago so goodnight <3 be safe, drink some water, if you have any kind of pet give it some love. take care of yourself. youre the most important person in your own world and never forget that, even if you dont think you are. even if theres something or someone you treasure above everything else. dont diminish your own worth! you are alive, and you are here, and theres nothing more important than that, really. the things you love matter more than anything else. hold them close

#sorry for all the linebreaks i want this to be as easy to process as possible #this is definitely ok to reblog and if you feel even the slightest urge to i encourage it

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purplenickel · 7 years

Text

So this turned more into my queer dating history but its fun lol

So I have always been attracted to boys even before I knew that trans was a thing much less that I could transition. I also always admired girls and found ways to rationalize it until like middle school when I became aware of bisexuality where I had so many crushes usually on the mean kids at least the ones that didn’t have like weird shaped heads or watch alarms that went off at weird times during class like why do you need an alarm for 1:27? Youre supposed to be learning basic Spanish do that instead lol An I dated one guy in middle school when I knew I was bisexual and at least a tom boy. And the things I wanted to do to that boy. Like I was kinky as a small child lol like damn you could do a lot more than hold my hand and let me give you innocent little cheek kisses.

We stayed together until freshmen year of high school where I was bored with how slow things were going so I broke up with him. It probably didn’t help that I was starting to question my gender then either. I told my mom I thought I wanted to be a boy and she shot that down real quick “You’re a girl and cant be a boy” so I ended up trying to cut off all my hair until it was so fucked she had to give me a buzzcut and I ended up looking like a hard core butch lesbian for a semester)

Second boyfriend was this skinny dude like only an inch taller than me and I was 5’3 at the time. I wrote down love song lyrics and gave them to him to ask him out. Im romantic like that lol. We dated for a while and I guess we just grew apart. He wouldn’t do much more than kiss me occasionally and I was like damn yall how do I keep getting these innocent Victorian straight boys. But he was cute and I still see him around town much to my embarrassment. Idk why im embarrassed so much maybe I feel bad that he thought he was dating a girl and im not?

Next boyfriend was a bi emo guy named Justice. I dated him mainly because he was the only bi guy I knew at my school in rural redneck Virginia lol he ended up being really kinky and kinda weirdly intense. Like the fun part was he didn’t mind that I was all for sitting in the back of the anime club/computer classroom and tryina get down. The weird part was that he had the idea to write Real Person fanfiction staring ourselves as like vampires because he had a major biting kink and was really emo and thought he was goth but rural VA is a hard place to be goth when all your clothes come from walmart. But he was really intense like he had our entire lives planned out in the fanfic and actually went a bought me a ring , gold with a pearl setting, that I immediately lost because why would you give me a ring??? Nah so I got real disinterested in Justice and planned to break up with him. I actually ended up cheating on him sort of. My class went on a field trip to Jamestown famous school tour site all Virginian probably had to go to. And one of my classmates/kind of friends was this really hot guy with this shaggy blonde hair and this wiry lanky body and was this laid back hot stoner type and I really liked him so I sat next to him on the bus ride and seduced him through out the whole trip until we stopped in this little shopping mall on the way back to school. I was walking around one of the department stores and saw him trying one underwear of all things lol he invited me to help him pick out a new pair of tight good looking underwear and I agreed and slipped into the changing room while he was putting them on and ended up giving him a hand job he was grateful lol. Then we went back to the bus and pretended like nothing happened but there was already a rumor going around the buses that somebody had sex in the store. A few days later Justice actually broke up with me because he felt that I was “acting different” and I probably was simply because I wasn’t attracted to him any more.

Between dating Justice and the next guy I did have my first kiss with a girl! She was so pretty with silky black hair in a bob and dark blue eyes and the palest skin. She dressed in rave clothes all the time and sometimes wore fairy wings and cloaks to school. She was delightfully strange but moved to florida I think but we were saying goodbye by the schools front doors and when it was my turn I gave her a tight hug and she turned her face and gave me a kiss and I was just wow kissing girls is so nice. Speaking of girls, I also had a huge crush on president of the anime club. She was so tall and really thin with a few curves, but she was really confident and funny and just made you feel at ease and I could’ve seen myself dating her easily but she was dating someone else but im pretty sure she might have been bi but she graduated and moved to Washington state to be a masseuse.

Next boyfriend was extremely religious and also wanted to get married. I was against getting married so young, really against converting to southern baptism and definitely against having kids. Pregnancy has always freaked me out mostly because I don’t like pain and don’t want to be in pain and in general everything about reproduction freaks me out idk why. But I really wanted him. He had these nice big and rough hands and was so warm all the time. He was also really sweet. But I broke up with him because I couldn’t do the religious thing It was Too Much™.

After dating him though I had this huge crush on this girl a year younger than me in me creative writing class. She was gothic in a very flowery dark fairy type way and I loved it she was also had a huge gay crush on my female friend who I can confirm is very beautiful with long dyed red hair and olive skin and this soft husky voice that would be perfect for a late night radio talk show where you call in about relationship problems. But anyways the girl I had a crush on was named Sage and she was beautiful with her long blonde hair and her light green eyes and small everything she was very thin like scarily thin she actually had an eating disorder that we tried to help her with and she could reach her hand behind her ribs and grip the bottom of her ribs it was creepy to look at. She wrote beautiful and dark poems and never seemed to mind that my crush took the form of hugging her and resting against her as often as I could. She never seemed interested in me though I think she was actually fatphobic or maybe she was just femme for femme I dunno but I graduated and nev er saw her again so whatever.

After I graduated high school I decided to go to a traditionally womens college. My roommate was ace and like the first openly ace person I had ever met and she was really cool and introduced me to the idea of being ace but at the time I was decidedly bi and later pan once some more friends introduced me to tumblr and I started openly learning about gender and sexuality. All my friends were really hot that I met at college and I probably would have been down to date any of them except for the girl that I met through the anime club who also really liked the anime Hetalia. We could get together and watch episodes and read a variety of fanfictions ranging from family type things to kinky sex shit we were very close and im sure that a lot of people thought we were dating or at least fooling around together. We actually met each other at a Virginia anime convention where the anime club people went in a group and I went separately with some friends from high school (the best part of the experience was the wafflehouse in the hotel parking lot) but me and my friend got together at the con and went back to my groups hotel room to gush over the merch we had found and watch some anime together. I was in a closet cosplay that consisted of booty shorts and tied button up shirt so I had a lot of skin showing and we were sitting on the bed by ourselves until my friends came back and they all thought we had sex like no she was very attractive and had really nice curves but girl needed to shower more often because unfortunately she had a smell to her that I just didn’t like. I think she was interested in dating me but she ended up having financial problems of some sort and couldn’t come back to school the next year.

After she left school I came out as trans and got closer to the core group of the college anime club. They were all really hot except for the vegetarian one but she had a boyfriend and didn’t seem to like me much anyways so whatever. I also dated this one girl in my graduation class for like three days over the summer but she broke up with me because she was again a southern Baptist and couldn’t honestly date a trans person because it somehow went against god or some shit. That person has since come out as trans masculine. But anyways next person I dated was this smoking hot older girl who only wore skirts. She was southern Baptist and straight but I had to try even if I never got to be anything other than her creepy friend who everybody knew had a crush on her. She surprisingly was interested in dating me so we started going out. We went on dates around town to explore and see new stores and went to the park and shit was great we had kisses and cuddles and fun cute dates and sexy times but we also clashed a lot over mostly miscommunication. It didn’t help that I was on a medicine that once I started taking it regularly like I was supposed to my sex drive dropped to nonexistent. We fought over this a few times but still planned to try to get an apartment off campus the next year. I thought she was being too clingy by texting me pretty often that summer. I was in a bad mood all of that summer though. We broke up and got back together over the phone probably at least three times before deciding to break up for good. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if we had stayed together because when we weren’t fighting we had a lot of fun and I told her things I hadn’t told anybody before, I felt safe.

The next person I dated didn’t go so well. This was a friend from the colleges LARP club that also had people from the community or it was a community club that extended to the college kids and just ended up being held on campus but that’s how we met. She had a very butch androgynous look but I just really liked her personality no matter how hot she looked in her leather jacket. So we started off as LARP friends and then I worked up the nerve to ask for her number and just texted her about random things and we ended up talking about how much we both like coffee so that turned into a coffee date at the local dunkin and it was a lot of fun and we had a few more dates like that and things were looking good. A few friends that knew both of us warned me that she didn’t normally go for men but I had talked to her myself and was like that a lie and you don’t know what youre talking about ok so we hung out for a few months going slow and not really relationship dating. Around the time I was thinking of asking her to be a couple my mental health deteriorated and I ended up being hospitalized. I tried calling her once to keep up the habit of talking at night through text since I couldn’t text at the time but I think me being in the “cr*zy ward” freaked her out because 1) the phone call did not go well and was never tried again and 2) once I got out of the hospital I texted her to see if she was interested in picking up where we left off and she shut me down saying she just wanted to be friends. Of course not even a month later I found out that she and the girl I had dated for over a year were now dating. This bothered me for a long time and I was constantly wondering if I was too cr*zy to date somebody or it was because I was trans a whole bunch of self hatred type thoughts. I eventually got over it (mostly)

Then I didn’t date anybody until last year. I started texting my friend Cat from high school (back then we had a very cute James Potter Severus Snape thing going on where the characters were dating but we weren’t) and I learned that they were agender and ace and I thought it over and determined that I was ridiculously attracted to them and didn’t mind being in a nonsexual relationship because at the time I was still pretty sex repulsed myself besides for reading kinky fanfiction and getting myself off every once in a while. So We went on a friends date in the spring to see Zootopia and it was so much fun and they were so cute in their leggings and hoodie with their windblown cropped hair dyed dark red. I asked them if they wanted to date and they said yes so we went on our first official date (a hike up an abandoned walking trail where we both got covered in ticks and I had to stop and stretch out a bad leg cramp, then we got lunch at a cute vegetarian café in town and went to the town park to hang out. We sat in the grass and listened to Florence and the Machine songs and smiled at each other looking cute. We then got milkshakes and learned that we still had ticks on us from the hick and they took me home and gave me a sweet kiss goodbye with the promise of more dates in the future). Over the summer we hung out a lot because they and their mom were moving from the house they had lived in for years to a house a county over and I volunteered to help with the moving of the last few belongings. Maybe 5 trips all together, but it was a good time every day we got to see each other. We would comfortable hang out in their old house packing things up and taking our time and then we would take the forty five minute drive to the new house listening to whatever queer music we could find and save to playlists. Then we would cuddle on their couch after taking the days moving things inside and find something nice to eat on the way back to my house. I visited their college a few times (another traditionally women’s college) and met their friends who were also agender and queer and very cute people indeed. I enjoyed all the time I spent with Cat. Cat also helped me realize I was leaning more towards being a demiguy than strictly binary trans and that it was okay if I was ace, that sexuality can be fluid. Our relationship was very intimate and domestic and I loved it, especially the tight hugs and long slow kisses I would get each time we met and each time we had to say goodbye. I fell in love with Cat and because we didn’t see each other all the time and there was no pressure to maintain a sexual relationship I felt I could maintain those feelings I had for cat for a long time. We dated up until August of 2017 when they texted me and let me know they felt they were not only agender and asexual but also felt aromantic and would prefer to be platonic as they couldn’t keep up with the demands of a relationship. This devastated me. I took a week off from school to lie at home and let myself deal with the depression this brought. Im over Cat now. I enjoyed what we had but Im happy being friends though our ideas of friendship are different but that’s another textpost entirely.

I recently went to Charlottesville Pride 2017 with my friends that are the couple where I dated both and now they are happily dating each other and one of their other trans friends and it was so much fun. I think the act of getting a bag of free condoms reawakened my sex drive somehow?? Because now I would totally be down to get sex from anybody I was attracted to?? And im attracted to a lot more people than I usually am?? Like it was my friend Ness’s birthday a few weeks ago and she invited the same trans friend that went to pride with us to come and she brought her cousin with her and damn. Her cousin was the cutest and got so drunk like baby no you gotta stop while its still fun. So he’s agender and gave me his Snapchat and Im just…crushing so hard…hes too cute. But also I’ve been talking to people on OKCupid and everyones just so attractive (not the cismen tho neither the hets or gays wanna hit it so fuck em I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life) and all these tumblr people are cute and I wanna date everybody but everybody live like at least three hours away and it makes me sad because nobody seems to wanna try a long distance type thing which I would be up for.

So tl;dr: if youre reading this and you think im cute, message me and ill tell you what all we could do together ;)

Im a biromantic greyace chubby transmasculine enby and i like all body types and most personality types lol

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unicornninjabitch · 7 years

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Me, sliding in with a slushee: sup I’m sad my dudes

Followers: we know and your poor attempts at humor aren’t a funny or good coping mechanism so just get on with it

Me, slurping my slushee: alright then I’ll ramble for a little bit

So I think I’ve lost weight recently, which I’m not super shocked by cause I just don’t eat alot and without someone asking me if I wanna get food I can easily forget to eat for like days at a time, plus I just tend to lose/gain a few pounds pretty easy. I just generally have a small appetite and I don’t really like eating by myself. I’ve pretty much always had issues with my body and weight and eating and food and stuff, I mean since I was a kid I’ve had troubles with this shit and I still do but it’s different now. When I was younger I just wanted to be “pretty” and get attention from people and have people see me as desirable/lovable/fuckable cause that would give me worth and the the only way to get those things was to get skinnier and be more attractive. Now I don’t think that way and I don’t put all my worth into other people’s views of me, but there’s other parts of me that still desperately crave for a flat tummy and a thigh gap and my collar bones to poke out and to just e small. Logically I know that’s almost impossible for me and it would be insanely unhealthy for me to be that thin, but there’s still parts of me that would kill for it. Plus I naturally have a smaller waist and its much more noticeable when I lose weight cause of how I hold fat I guess, so I have this huge like constant internal fight where it’s like Skinny vs Less Girly Figure and it’s kinda exhausting. I mean I really don’t want to constantly hate my body and I wish I could just be okay with what I have, but I’m not. For fucks sake I got to the point where now I don’t like even being near scales like I know if a scale says a number I don’t like I’ll feel like I’m not allowed to eat or I’m disgusting. And logically I know I’m not as big as I think I am like I know at most I’m kinda chubby, but another part of my brain only sees myself as some weirdly shaped baby whale who shouldn’t be allowed to eat because it needs to be smaller. Like as a whole once I came out as trans I kinda became more okay with my body weight wise, but every so often I’ll lose/gain weight and notice it in the mirror and have my Skinny vs Less Girly Figure and I just wish it would stop. I just wish there were one day where I could look in a mirror and say, “Hey I don’t hate who’s looking back at me”, but I can’t right now and I don’t know when I’ll be able to. I’m scared I’ll never be able to. I mean the idea of getting weighed at the doctors gives me so much fucking anxiety and makes me so uncomfortable. Like I would ask that they didn’t say it out loud and I look anywhere except the numbers cause I know no matter what it says if I don’t suddenly and magically like my body then I will 100% fall back into unhealthy patterns and I mean back in freshman year of high school I got like obsessed with it. I weighed myself almost everyday and I refused to eat more than x amount of calories and I let it basically consume me and dictated every part of my life. Don’t get me wrong I’m still overly critical of my body and the food I eat, I don’t think I’ll ever really love my body, I still have a bad relationship with food (if that even makes sense), and I still care way too much about my weight, but I do try to be better.

Also I’ve said before going from where everyone called me Alex to home where very few people even know I’m trans has been super hard on me and yeah that shit hasn’t gotten easier. Though I’ve kinda gotten used to it. Like I know I can’t be sad all day everyday cause of being deadnamed and misgendered all the time, but the getting used to it bothers me alot. Like hearing my deadname/deadnaming myself or whatever and it makes me uncomfortable, but it’s like I’m getting a resistance to it which for some reason makes me feel like I’m some how faking everything and it doesn’t help when I feel dysphoric or whatever. Like somedays I half regret coming out just because like I mean t and surgery-and fuck just legally changing my name seem so far away so like what’s the point, you know? Like it feels like no one will ever see me as a guy and some days it’s hard for me to see me as a guy so why the fuck do I bother? Why couldn’t I just get comfortable in the very back of the closet and just stay put? I mean it feels like coming out and all the anxiety that came with it was for nothing. Maybe it’s just that I’m still feeling some kinda way about how coming out went and how my mom still calls me her daughter or whatever, but I mean it all feels like it was pointless. I mean it feels like I’m on my way to just being a statistic and I wish I didn’t feel that way- god I wish I didn’t feel that way, but I do. It feels like in a few years I’m just gonna be a number about suicides or something. And there are some days/nights where if I could muster up the willpower to stand up I’d go back to cutting up my wrist, but I’m either that depressed or that tired from trying to convince myself that things will eventually somehow be okay that I don’t and I hate that my depression is what keeps me from going back to cutting myself. I really, really, really fucking wish I weren’t this sad and I wish I could wave a wand and be okay, but I can’t.

And my dysphoria has been just generally awful lately in like a bunch of ways. There’s the constant reminder in my chest and pants that’s slowly been driving me insane and a growing rate and there’s thinking I’m only allowed to date bi/pan people but at the same time feeling like I’m not man enough for anyone and there’s stupid shit that almost always makes me feel like “hey maybe mom was right maybe this is just a phase”. Which is fucking ridiculous cause I tried to wait it out like 3 different times and it never goes away and I mean now the idea of ever wearing a bra/dress makes me want to like hide under my bed or something. I know this isn’t a phase or me trying to be a *~special snowflake~* so how come I always go back to thinking that. Like my mom calling me my deadname or her daughter, obviously I got to grow thicker skin cause I can’t be in a constant state of like one foot off the room, but because I’m getting used to it and it’s taking longer for it to bother me I feel like I’m now faking shit. And I know it’s just me trying to protect myself, but it still bothers me I guess. I mean my mom’s reaction really fucked me up. Like instead of coming out on insta/snap I just deleted them and started new ones. I went back to my old therapist and I’m not even out to her cause I’m so scared of her reacting like my mom and I get scared literally everyone ever will react like my mom. I mean Thanksgiving I avoided my sister and yelled over her because I was so scared that my dad’s family would like yell at me or something and that would make my brothers/dad/step mom be like “Oh!! Yeah!! We were dumb you ARE just a silly little girl” and I couldn’t handle that. And idk a part of me wishes I was angrier at her or something, but another part says I should’ve saw this coming cause when I first started questioning my gender I brought it up to her cause I used to tell my mom everything and she seemed mad that I even thought I maybe wasn’t cis.

I don’t know I feel like I repeat myself in these a lot, but I don’t really know I was just feeling really sad and had to get some shit out I guess

#personal #tw suicidal thoughts #tw cutting #tw dysphoria #tw eating problems #tw weight problems #tw interalized transphobia #maybe probably #honestly at this point all my ramblings are only good for the self depricating humor before the read more #but fun fact jokes about sad shit is a huge no no #dont get me wrong i know joking about dropping out isnt great #but if i get the first joke no one else does #so like my mom should let me have that #right?#idk im tired and rambling now #but yeah i present yall my issues #and tonight i apperently dont know how to stfu so sorry

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mirkwoodshewolf · 7 years

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You’re not a freak, you’re my daughter; Sebastian Stan x teen reader

Now this request has some triggers in it mostly revealing the daughter to be a lesbian now I will say this now. I am NOT gay but that doesn’t mean I Hate gays. Bis, pans whatever sexuality you are. I do NOT discriminate that so if you give me hate for this piece just because it’s dealing with coming out of the closet, you WILL be sorry. Now I hope I did this piece justice for you guys on Tumblr (I did do good to some people who had told me they were gay on wattpad) I just hope I do good with this request I had gotten cause I really wanted to make this as real as I could with the fears ad doubts people have when it comes to revealing something like this to parents.

________________________________________________________

Another day, another close call. Not only did I have to keep my secret safe from my dad and grandma but also the press. Swarming around celebrities and their children like buzzards to a carcass asking them questions about the latest dirt on them, yeah being the daughter of a celebrity especially one like Sebastian Stan has its ups and downs sometimes downs but mostly ups. Whenever I feel down or alone, my dad almost has this superpower of knowing what to do to make me feel better.

Whether it's taking me out for ice cream to the best ice cream shop in New York, to a picnic in Central Park, or just staying inside watching FRIENDS on Netflix. Even when he's away filming he always tries to call me even when the time zones are different just to talk with me while I say over at my grandma Elisabeta's place.

And being his daughter also has its perks when he allows you to meet some of his co-stars and dearest friends. Like I've known my uncle Chase Crawford ever since I was a little girl when he and my dad met on The Covenant, ever since then he's been the best uncle I could ever ask for taking me in whenever my dad or my grandma are too busy too, sometimes I think of Uncle Chace as a godfather than an uncle and I think my dad does think that sometimes too.

Then when my dad got involved with the Marvel films that's when things got really big for him and for me, I then got to meet Chris Evans, Anthony Mackie, Elizabeth Olsen and the rest of the Marvel family once Civil War came out. The Marvel family soon became my family as my dad had taken me to all three Captain America premieres as his "date". Since then, my dad has become the hottest celebrity and the hottest Marvel dad to appear in the media, if anything bad or shady to happen in his life would ruin his career for life, which brings us to the present day.

I was in my room holding on my phone waiting for a special someone that I had met while my dad was on the press tour for Civil War to call me. My phone rang and I answered it and said.

"Hello sweetie".

"Hey, I just saw the recent video of your dad at Wizard World, you are so lucky to be related to him".

I smirked then replied back.

"Yeah well I had to get my sexy Romanian genes from someone right?"

"Oh of course you gorgeous Romanian Goddess, so when do I get to meet him?”

That's when my stomach dropped. I couldn't do this to my dad, I mean if this got out, I'd ruin his life forever.

"I don't know...."

"Sweetie, I gotta meet your dad, he won't get mad. I mean he probably knows what this is like since he's played characters like this throughout the first part of his career, right?"

"Yeah but....but what if he does accept but the media doesn't? My dad is finally being recognized for his talents I couldn't do this to him, it would ruin his good name".

"I understand sweetie, but I also understand that if you don't tell him then I might as well just drop by and tell him myself".

"And if you do that, I'll punish you".

"Ohhh is mommy getting angry? Does mommy wanna spank me?"

"Very tempted to". I then heard footsteps coming towards my room and I quickly said, "Hold on it's my grandma I got to go!"

"Okay, I love you"."I love you too, bye-bye" I quickly hung up as my grandma opened the door and said.

"(Y/n) sweetie your dad's back from the convention in Philadelphia". I stood up and said.

"Thanks bunica". I kissed her cheek and walked down the hall and saw my dad standing in the living room.

"There's my number one girl in the world".

"Hey dad" I walked over to him and he kissed my cheek and brought me close to his arms.

"Were you good for your grandma while I was gone?"

"The best".

"Oh don't you go lying to your father now young lady. I caught her texting someone very late Friday night after I had sent her to bed".

"Really? Who was texting you?" My dad asked with a raised eyebrow. I couldn't tell the two most important people of my life about my secret so I quickly covered it up.

"One of my friends had texted me. She was on vacation in Spain and she was sending me as well as a few other friends some pictures and stories about her and her family vacation".

"Well for that little white lie, you get a visit from the tickle monster!" Dad then began to tickle me around my sides. I scrunched up against him and tried to get away from him but my dad's strong arms kept me close to him as I was soon pushed onto the couch and soon felt him tickling my stomach.

"No! Nohohoho dad stohahahap ihihihit!"

"Hmmm I don't know. Say my dad is the greatest dad in the whole world and he's better than Anthony Mackie then I may just stop".

"Tahahaha-Tahahaha!"

"Alright Sebastian she's had enough, let her off".

"Okay fine". He finally stopped tickling me. I breathed heavily then I sat up and he said, "I kinda wish you came to Wizard World with me, I had told the guys I would bring you".

"I'm sorry dad, but I had promised Aaron that I'd tutor him in Biology, the guy would be lost without me having his back".

"That he would, now go pack your stuff and we can head back home okay?" I nodded then I ran back to the guestroom and packed up my suitcase then I hugged grandma bye and then Sebastian and I walked a couple of miles to the subway and headed up street to our place.

When we got home, I settled my stuff in my room and collapsed onto my bed then I felt my dad collapse beside me and he said.

"So baby girl, I'm free for the next several weeks, what do you wanna do?"

"Catch up on Friends?"

"Alright, I'll set up Netflix if you order the pizza".

"You got it dude" We then got up and then spent the rest of the day eating pizza, junk food and binge watching Friends.

Later that night, I was all ready for bed when dad came in and he sat down beside my bed and said.

"You glad to have me back sweetheart?"

"Honestly I was hoping you wouldn't come back, I hated seeing your ugly mug everyday" I teased at him smirking. He smirked back at me and playfully tackled me into my bed. The two of us wrestled playfully for a while before he finally stopped and tucked me in.

"Baby girl, you know you can always tell me anything right?"

"Yeah of course I do, dad why are you telling me this?"

"I just wanted to let you know that I'm willing to listen to anything you have to say, cause I feel like something's bothering you".

"Nothing's bothering me I promise okay" I didn't intend for that response to be too defensive but nothing gets pass over Papa Stan's eyes.

"Okay. Goodnight micuţa mea" he kissed my forehead gingerly and walked out of my room shutting the door softly. As I laid there on my bed, tears ran down my face as I couldn't take hiding this from him any longer. I wanted to tell him along with bunica Elisabeta but I couldn't face the shame and humiliation that they'll look at me if they find out, not to mention if the press got a hold of it, I could just picture it now: "Sebastian Stan: Father of a freak!"

The next couple of days, I've been trying to avoid doing anything with my tata or my bunica because I had made plans with (g/n) to go out for a picnic at Central park. I had a feeling that they were suspicious of my behavior but I tried to act it off and play it cool with them.

"Hey (y/n)! Can you come down here a second please?" I heard my dad call out. I placed my phone down after texting (g/n) about our picnic and I headed for the living room where I saw my dad and my grandma sitting on the couch. "Come and sit down with us for a second baby girl," I cautiously sat in-between my dad and my grandma and I asked.

"What's up you guys?"

"(Y/n), iepuraș your father and I have been noticing you've been acting not like yourself lately. Are you okay?"

"Fine, fine everything is fine" I stated. My heart began to race in fear that they were beginning to piece things together.

"Are you sure? Lately you've been sneaking out to god knows where, you've cancelled on all our plans and you always keep your phone at your hand more than you usually do. Are you sure there isn't anything you want to talk to us about?" asked my dad.

"Why are you guys hounding me about this?!" I didn't mean to snap at them as I shot up from the couch.

"Sweetheart we're not hounding you. We're just concerned about you, are you doing anything bad? Is someone threatening you? Stalking you? I just need to know what's wrong with my dragă" my dad said as he reached out for me. I swatted his hands away and turned away and muttered.

"You just don't understand".

"Then help us understand".

"I can't!"

"Why not?!"

"BECAUSE THEN YOU'D BE RUINED BY BEING MY FATHER!!" I then raced out of the apartment and ran to the only place I knew I could hide well, (g/n)'s house.

My dad just stood there in shock as I had ran out and he immediately took out his phone and scrolled till he saw my number.

"Sebastian hold on," he turned to his mom and she continued as she placed a gentle hand on his arm, "give her some time to cool down, then give her a call".

"Mom I—I just don't understand why she's so mad at me all of a sudden? This isn't my little girl that I held before, in fact ever since her first date when she was 13 she's been acting odd. I don't know what to do anymore".

"All you can do is be there for her. You're a great father, you've raised her and loved her ever since the day she was born. You've always put her first and she knows you love her. Being a teenager is hard, you went through it too, especially when we first moved here to America".

"Oh god don't even remind me. That was practically Hell for me".

"Language young man!" His mother scowled as she hit him in the back of the head. "Just give her a few minutes, then call her and calmly talk to her, she'll come back around".

"I hope so Ma, I really hope so".

After about 10 minutes, my dad called my cell but was shocked to hear it so close by. He and his mother raced to my room only to find my phone sitting on the dresser by my bed but no me.

"Oh god, now who knows where she might be? It's getting dark soon, she could've ran away and got captured or mugged or god knows what else. I've gotta report this!"

"Hold on Sebastian, she's texted someone recently," my grandma said as unlocked the phone to reveal my messages. "Sebastian, do you know of a (g/n)?"

"No I don't think so". They sat down on my bed and scrolled up to see hundreds of messages between the two of us. Some of them just joking around to the ones wed speak of each other in endearment. And to be even more romantic I had even sent her some messages of speaking loving endearments in Romanian to her telling her she was the light of my endless dark tunnel. She was my soulmate and that I loved her more than life itself. It was then my dad and grandma knew why I had been acting strange.

I was gay.

"What kind of father am I? I should've seen the signs".

"Sebastian—"

"Mom I'm her father, how could I have not known this? Hell as the first part of my career I've played a gay character I should've seen the struggles she was going through but was so afraid to tell me. No wonder why she said that she'd ruin me. But she won't, she's my daughter and I'll always support her. But god—the fear that she must've been going through for years, too afraid to tell me even you, god I'm such a bad father".

"Now what did I just say to you Sebastian Stan. You are a great father to (y/n)! You've always put her first before anything else, and right now more than ever she needs you. As well as me".

"But ma, (y/n)'s head is probably telling her that we hate her because we're onto the fact that she's gay. Hell she's probably terrified".

"Maybe but if anything she may just be at this (g/n)'s house, thinking that might be the only safe place for her right now".

"What can I do to make this right to her?"

"What you've always done for her my son, be her father". Sebastian looked down at my phone then called "Chocolachino" on his phone.

Meanwhile I was curled up with (g/n) in her bed sobbing into her chest with her arms wrapped around me.

"It's okay, it's okay. Listen, I don't think your dad and your grandma hate you".

"But they know something's up. Like I've said over and over again it's only a matter of time before someone gets a wind of this and ruin my father's career". Suddenly her phone began to ring and when she held it, it showed my number. "Oh god, I'm such an idiot! Why, why, why did I leave my phone in my room? Now they really know".

"Well should I answer it?" My brain was telling me 'hell no!' Because I was probably in for it as it is for worrying them so much. But my heart was screaming louder than my brain and just wanted this to be over and done with because I couldn't take hiding this anymore. This has been weighing me down for years when I found out that I was gay and now that I have a girlfriend, the fear only weighed heavier on my heart and soul. I held out my hand and she handed me her phone and I answered.

"Hello?"

"Oh (y/n), thank god you're safe".

"What do you want dad?"

"Sweetheart—I know the truth, and I want you to come home". I closed my eyes sorrow-filled then I choked out.

"You're disgusted with me, aren't you?"

"I won't answer that unless you come home, just you. We'll sit down and have a long talk about this, just please come home". That's not the answer I was hoping for but again I just wanted to get this over and done with.

"Give me 5 minutes".

"Okay, see you when you get here". We both hung up and I looked to (g/n) and said, "he now knows. And he wants to talk about it. He didn't sound happy but he also didn't sound angry. He basically just spoke to me in the Winter soldier's voice at this moment, something inbetween so who knows what he wants to say, but he wants me home now".

"Do you want me to come with you for support?"

"No, no this—this is something that I have to do on my own, but thanks dragă". I kissed her then I left through the window and scaled down skillfully to the ground and got back on my bike and rode off back to the house. All the while my brain was kicking me down and my inner demons began talking to me.

'You've really done it this time'.

'Your grandma will think you're garbage and your old man? He'll boot you out the second you reach that door'.

'How could you do this to him? He's Sebastian Fucking Stan? You've tainted him!' Tears boiled in my eyes as I finally reached home and slowly made my way up the stairs to my floor. When I stood before my door, my heart was racing like I had just won the marathon and ran the Forest Gump trail all over the USA. My palms sweating and tears blurring my vision as I reached for the doorknob and slowly turned it.

When I opened the door, I took notice that it was completely dark inside. I guided myself through the hallways until I had found the light switch and as soon as I turned on the lights, I was greeted with people jumping out from behind the furniture, some balloons, streamers, a BIG (f/f) cake and a banner that stated in big bold letter.

CONGRATS FOR COMING OUT!!

And along with my grandma and my dad was Chris Evans, Elizabeth Olson, Anthony Mackie and my uncle/god father Chace Crawford.

"Wha?" I choked out.

"Oh man little Stanner's bringing in the water works, no worries I know how to handle this, come 'ere sweet heart and let me give you a Big Mackie bear hug, come on bring it in here" uncle Anthony came up to me and brought me into one of his famous Mackie-bear hugs. He gently rocked me back and forth a couple of times which made my stunned body relax then when he felt I was satisfied he separated from me and soon uncle Chris came up to me next.

Fans have always said they were lucky enough to get hugs from Captain America, what they didn't was the full satisfaction it was when his hugs really meant something. Strong and protective yet comforting and warm. Like a big cuddly teddy bear.

"Congrats for coming out like this (y/n), Team Cap is honored to have someone like you on our side". Next up was Elizabeth Olson, whenever it came to us, she was like the really cool and laid back big sister that I never had before.

"Congrats (y/n), you are a brave, brave soul to come out like this". She kissed the crown of my head and then came in uncle Chace.

"Alright my turn, get in here" he brought me into his arms. "I know it's never easy to admit to something like this, but you should feel proud to know you've got so many people who still love you whether you are straight, gay, pan or whatever you end up loving". Uncle Chace kissed my temple and rubbed my back soothingly in circles then he separated from me and there stood my grandma.

She immediately hugged me and said in my ear as she rocked me.

"Never scare us like that again. You never have to be ashamed to tell me or your father these things. You have always been my little iepuraș, and you always will be no matter what you choose". I sniffled and then finally I stood before my dad. Silence came over the room as everyone stared at us then I finally broke the silence, choking on my sobs as my grandma stayed by my side with a comforting hand on my back.

"I'm sorry. I just didn't know how you would react. I got so afraid that if the press had found out then they'd label you as the Father of a freak. And I just didn't—I couldn't put you through that. I didn't want my sexuality to ruin your career tata". Tears fell down from my cheeks to my neck or my jaw as I saw my father staring at me with a look of strength and empathy.

"I know how hard this is (y/n). Coming out as something that people claim to be "not normal", it's always hard for a parent to hear. And while some parents may not support their child's decisions, never think for a second that I would be against you on this. If the media or any of my fans even speak one bad word of you, I'll retaliate as the Winter Soldier and do everything in my power to protect you. I am not the Father of a freak, I am the father of (y/n) (y/m/n) Stan. She's smart, she's pretty, she's funny, and she's the greatest treasure that I could ever ask for from the moment I held her in my arms the very day she was born. She's my best friend and my number one girl and that'll never change". His words pierced my heart like a knife as he was killing me with love and tenderness.

"What did you want to talk about from the phone call?"

"I want to hear this from your own mouth and not a text this time, (y/n), do you love (g/n)?" I lowered my head then walked into my dad's arms which immediately wrapped around me as I finally let out my tears and cried into his shoulder.

I felt my dad rocking me softly one of his hands rubbing circles on my back while the other one held my head stroking my hair and the back of my neck. He adjusted me so that my head was now over his heart. The gentle beating of it soothed me and began to ease my crying.

"Shhh, shhh, I'm here scumpa mea, I'm here. Tati's here. Shhh, shhh, never think for a second that you're a freak. I'll always love you, no matter what you choose. I'm happy you found someone, and I'm happy for both you and her". After what felt like forever being in my dad's safe and protective arms, I separated from him and sniffled one last time before taking a deep breath and my dad wiped away my tearstained cheeks before kissed my forehead and lingering there for more than a second before finally separating.

"Thanks—everybody. I was just—so afraid that you all would hate me if I came out and said that I was gay".

"You never need to worry about that kid, like I said it doesn't matter what you end up loving or what you do in the bed, as long as you're happy, then I'm proud to call you my favorite niece" Uncle Chace said.

"Uncle Chace I'm your only favorite niece".

"All the more reasons for me to be protective yah little punk" he leaned his forehead against mine and nuzzled my nose gently with his.

"(Y/n), never think that we'd hate you for something that makes you, you. And just like your dad Sea-bass here, we'll protect you too if anyone of our so called "fans" or the buzzards that is the press start talking trash about you". Uncle Anthony said as he ruffled my hair softly. I turned and looked at every one of my family members and couldn't believe that they all supported me with this. Most of them actors and they supported me being a lesbian.

"Now there's only one person we need to invite to start this party," my dad stated as he held out my phone with (g/n)'s name on the screen.

"Really? You mean it?"

"Of course, I want to meet the famous (g/n) who had stolen my little girl's heart as well as tell her and show her all of your baby pictures".

"Dad!" I whined out as I called her up and told her to come over to a party at my place and told her that my father wanted to meet her.

The party went great as (g/n) met every single one of my family members and of course did fangirl when she met Lizzie and Chris. And my dad of course met with her and he LIKED her, he had approved of my girlfriend and of course he followed up on his promise and showed her all the embarrassing photos of me when I was a baby. I tried to make him stop but (g/n) would hold me down and the two of them as well as everyone else began gushing adorably at my humiliation.

Yeah being the daughter of Sebastian Stan has its perks. Sometimes up, sometimes down and sometimes they go above and beyond from what I'd ever expect. I no longer had to fear of ruining my dad's career because he along with my Marvel aunt and uncles and uncle/god papa Chace protected me and (g/n) if we decided to go out for date night or a picnic and romantic walk through Central Park. I couldn't ask for a better father than Sebastian Stan and he couldn't have asked for a better daughter than me as he says.

#sebastian stan #sebastian stan x reader #sebastian stan oneshot #fluff #minor angst #chris evans #anthony mackie #elizabeth olsen

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totoroses · 7 years

Text

i found this lesbian survey and decided to fill it out!

Femme or butch? is this what do i prefer or which i am? im a femme and i have no preference in dating, i’ve been wildly attracted to both and any in between

Do you have a “type”? If so, describe it. the only nearly completely common denominator though my exes are having brown eyes? i have dated only one person who did not have brown eyes. i always feel safer looking into brown eyes then blue. i woudl say i have often gone after the romantic artsy type with good music taste and some kind of signature style about them, ironically none of which drew me to my current girlfriend who i believe is probably defintiely the love of my life

Plaid button-ups or leather jackets? leather jackets! i will swoon over smartly dressed gals in button downs as well as a chill gal in some plaid unbuttoned flannel but the two together make me think of a lumberjack

Describe your style. i usually go for one of two styles- softly dressed forest wanderer, or slightly sassy soft grunge. both include my doc martens, but one is more natural colours and old fashioned dresses and the other is sassy tshirts and 90sish thrift store finds like denim and dark florals

Describe your aesthetic.pressed flowers between the pages of a book on forest spirits, rose milk tea, silver rainy downpours, curly baby hairs, white peaches, a cat sleeping in a library, custard pastries, a circle of mushrooms in moss, opals and furry moths

Favorite article of clothing? my one forever 21 dress ive had since like junior year that i can wear without a bra and it has like a cool cross back i just looooveee ittt, then also my embroidered minty 1930s style qipao sort of dress

Favorite pair of shoes? my doc martens and green chinese embroidered lace up slippers

Current haircut? currently blonde (ugh) and currently my hair falls just past my breasts, the goal is to grow it to my bellybutton!

Any haircut goals for the future? i really wanna get on the thick fluffy bangs bandwagon but i dont think i have the stamina to put up with growing them out again smh

Describe the best date you’ve been on. there was this one date i went on with one of my high school girlfriends where we went to a bookstore and hung out and then stuck googly eyes all over my city on random monuments and street signs, and we also ate thai food and listened to music and it was still one of the most lovely dates. BUT my girlfriend recently visited me in taiwan and we went in a glass bottom gondola ride up a mountain and drank from coconuts and wandered through old streets and had the most amazing tea food with a spectacular view and it was heaven

Describe the worst date you’ve been on. probably the one where i went on a picnic with my first girlfriend who then broke up with me that same day and even though our entire relationship was so awkward and not what is should have been it still hurt so bad

Single? Taken? taken!

If taken, talk about your girlfriend/wife! where do i begin! my girlfriend is a slightly shorter than me girl named lynn who loved korean variety shows, drinking coca cola, listening to cheesy love songs, and playing tricks on people (especially me). she used to be a major tomboy in middle and high school and date all the girls and get slapped a lot, as well as mess with teachers and play pranks on them and steal things from their lunchboxes. more than half of her birthchart including sun, rising, and venus are scorpio, and she wants to start her own streetstyle online brand but has not yet found a catchy brand name!

If single, what are you looking for in a potential girlfriend/wife? :)

Describe your dream wedding my girlfriend says if we get married we need two, a traditional chinese wedding (she is from china) and a western one with a priest since i am catholic, and i couldnt agree more. my dream wedding includes just very close friends and family, extravagant lights and flowers and a reception party playlist chosen by me, catered by the teahouse we went to in taiwan. i know its so silly and superficial but i want the dreamiest dress that i design, wisteria everywhere, and most of all i just want lynn at the end of the alter looking stunning in whatever it is she decides to wear

Do you want kids? YES me and lynn talk about this a lot because we both love kids and both agree on at least 4, no more than 8. and we will share who carries the kids so not just one of us is having our uteruses worn out

If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live? guilin, china. but its a fantasy. guilin is real and beautiful but chinese laws make it so that even if we settle down there and build a house it cant truly belong to us, and in china you cant have a private business and it jsut sucks because the drema is to live in the quiet countryside with a simple life and beautiful scenery to explore together and with our children

Favorite lesbian movie? i love so many but im gonna go with the handmaiden!

Favorite lesbian novel/story? i havent read nearly enough, but adore all things by malinda lo and julie anne peters! ash by malinda lo is probably my favourite. i have to still read sarah waters though, i hear she reigns supreme

Favorite lesbian song? don’t pull away by milosh ft jviews (the music video is gay at least, i also love hayley kiyoko)

Favorite lesbian musician? hayley kiyoko probably

What lesbian stereotypes do you fit into, if any? mmmm i dont like softball so that doesnt work...i read a lot of sappho though! and i have short nails? and love buffy? are these stereotypes?

Ever been assumed to be nothing more than a gal pal? ugh yes

If a woman wanted to woo you, what would a surefire way to accomplish that? write me a love letter or make me a mixtape about your feleings something cheesy

Be positive! What do you like most about being a lesbian? girls!!!!

Are you more of a cat person or a dog person? cat but i also love pups!

Turn ons? a musical wonderful voice i could listen to and listen to, easy and stimulating conversations, passion for something that lights up their eyes

Turn offs? rudeness in any shape or form, indecisiveness or feigning indecisiveness because you think i want to make the decisions, despicable movie and music taste, smell

Do you usually ask other women out or do you wait for them to ask you? mmmm in the past it has been pretty even. i have learned though that with women it really is a waiting game more than with guys so with my current girlfriend the tension was killing me so much i had to straight up ask her if something was going on and when she said yes she did like me too i was so relieved because she admitted to having not dated anyone since high school (5 years ago for her) and not asking anyone out while at college so if i had kept waiting for her who knows if we would have gotten together!

What is your dream career? i want to be a stay at home mom and author and perhaps an art teacher or preschool teacher on the side if the books dont pa the bills!

Talk about your interests or hobbies! writing and reading and drawing and singing and hiking and listening to music and watching korean dramas and making lists and studying languages

What is the most attractive quality a woman can have? passion, not necessarily in the sexual wya, but passion for something in general. like if she is an actress you see her on the stage and see how into it she is, and offstage she talks about it in a way that shows she is capable of truly loving something so much and seeing wonder in life. or a girl who seems quiet but then when she starts to show you the music she likes she closes her eyes and knows every lyric and has this expression of true passion and love for the music, i am captivated by women who are captivated by the purest elements of life from music to dance to nature

Do you love easily or does it take time for you to warm up to someone? for women, i fall in infatuation quite easily. i was always more cautious with men of course and now i avoid them altogether. but love is something i’ve been becoming more conservative of somehow. i think because i was so hurt by someone before and gave and gave without receiving and im scared of that happening again. i have to be receiving love to give it, thats something i finally can control my impulses over and protect myself from.

Ever fallen for your best-friend? HA

Ever fallen for a straight girl? HAHA

The L-Word: yes or no? (love it or hate it?) heck to the no i couldnt make it past two episodes

Favorite comfort food? macaroni and cheese

Coffee or tea? tea

Vegetarian? Vegan? None of the above? none but i have tried vegetarian before

Do you have any pets? a chinchilla and a cat!

Early-riser or night-owl? night owl

What is your sign? gemini sun, sag moon, sag rising

What is your Myers-Briggs type? INFP

Who was your first lesbian crush? my first serious lesbian crush was on a girl at my middle school who dressed to the nines every day in vintage dresses and sweaters and she flirted with practically everyone just joking around and always had a boyfriend but was just charming in every way. my whoel day would eb ruined if i couldn’t just see her or say hello once, and i thought i was just obsessed until i was like ‘wait what if she kissed me’ and BAM i knew it was a real life crush

At what age did you know you were a lesbian? im not really sure. i identified as bi/pan from freshman year to junior year i think, but then was realizing i definitely had a preference and didn’t want to be with guys in a relationship at all to be honest but even up until last summer i was really questioning if i was asexual, so its been a journey but i think i finally fully realized i am a happy happy lesbian after meeting lynn

At what age did you come out (if you have)? i was 14 when i first told my parents i was bi, 18 when i said im a lesbian

Are you crushing on anyone at the moment (celebrity or otherwise)? just my girly friend

Talk about how your day went i worked this morning 7-11 after only sleeping 4 hours since i got hooked on ‘tipping the velvet’ the bbc miniseries, said goodbye to a friend, had school and did a presentation on how to make rosemilk bubble tea, i ate at a moomin cafe with my coworker, and now am working on homework and doing this survey and putting off my night cleaning duties eheh

Talk about your dreams/aspirations for the future i just want to have a family and to have my books published, thats all i really need. a loving wife, my sister still by my side as my partner in crime, so many children, so many stories finally told that people are reading. i really want to build a lovely house for my family like my grandparents did once upon a time, with secret rooms and unique hiding places, a house they can pass down as they grow up and it can have our lineage. i want to live by the mountains and trees and water, i want to be able to speak mandarin, cantonese, korean, japanese, icelandic, italian, arabic, and polish fluently

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artificialqueens · 7 years

Text

pygmalion (katlaska) -- svetlana

summary: Justin had a habit of drowning in people with beautiful dreams and strange chins. Slow-burn in non-chronological order.

a/n: thank you so much for the response to astronaut! i was very nervous submitting a fic for the first time, but you guys have encouraged me so much. i tried to give back to the community – i wanted to answer the prompt i saw earlier for katlaska slow-burn on the topic of addiction. but somehow it ended up becoming something a little different (or a lot different from anything ive ever written – ft. the least graphic sex scenes ive ever attempted). hopefully, its good!

The first time they fuck is just that: two men with mascara still clinging to their lashes, the last vestiges of Alaska and Katya hanging thin between them. They mark it by putting another stain on Alaska’s couch and knocking over that shitty bottle of cinnamon vodka they shouldn’t have tried.

It goes like this.

“Oh,” Katya says, gesturing at the general region of Alaska’s crotch. “You know, I could take care of that for you.”

Somehow, that makes it worse. Suddenly, she can hear where this night will veer. Maybe it’ll be one bawdy joke and maybe it will be two, then they’ll go at it until Katya sucks something out of her dick, and then they’ll watch Golden Girls and she’ll stare at Katya’s toes curling in time with her laughs. It is a circle, Alaska decides, a bit that reruns even after it’s dead. It’s a sketch that she decidedly never wanted to be a part of. The entire thing seems exhausting.

This is the part where you remind yourself that you can never say no to her, Alaska’s mind supplies, but it isn’t technically true. It’s more like Katya makes it easy to say no; there are fifty million things that Katya wants at any given moment, and as much as she likes sucking dick, she’d be fine if they spent the rest of the night exploring conspiracy theories. But Alaska doesn’t want to say no.

“This is a bad porno,” Alaska decides. “Go for it. Shoot for the fucking moon.”

At least Katya seems to know the script. At some point during the night, she’d started switching in and out of that disgusting Maureen voice and hasn’t stopped since. “Spread your legs for me, baby.”

“Okay, okay. Stop.”

“I’m like a dementor,” Katya says conversationally, “I haven’t actually left anyone a lifeless husk or anything, but –“

“No, like seriously, stop.”

It’s strange how no one talks about Brian’s jaw and how it connects the alien texture of his cheekbones to the sandpaper feeling of his chin. Alaska has never understood either and she presses her thumb against his chin, where his lipstick has smudged. He’s cold, she realizes. He’s cold and his jaw is clenched so tight he’s shaking. When he speaks, it’s clear that the lozenges from earlier have worn off.

Katya or maybe Brian says, “Are we going to do it the bi-curious college girls experimenting way? I can be Mary-Anne the dean’s daughter who’s rebelling against daddy and pursuing a women’s studies major, if you know what I mean.”

“Why are you trying to fuck me in character?”

Fuck, she’s made it awkward. Brian’s eyes are wide enough that she can see the tiny dilated vessels, leftover from the vodka. She thinks it might be hurt, or shock, but they’ve both been in the industry enough to know better. Put enough of yourself into the woman you paint on and you’re Miss. Charisma Uniqueness Nerve and Talent. Too much and you risk confusing fantasy and reality. It’s a dangerous line that Alaska has learned to toe. Addicts, former or otherwise, must take caution not to lose themselves.

How many seconds has it been? Brian is staring at the carpet. One of his lashes has fallen to cover his eye. His wig is gone with his corset and most of his clothes, and only the lashes and communist-red lipstick remain. He makes no move to speak, nor to remove Alaska’s hand.

Justin sighs and drops his hand to Brian’s shoulder, intertwining his other hand through his fingers. “I’ll do it if you’re sure you want to. But I don’t think we should.”

A pause.

“Brian? You know I mean this in a I’m horny, but I’m also worried about you way.”

“No, no,” Brian rushes, “no, you’re right, I’m sorry, it’s just, it’s just that my thoughts are really fucking loud and also, did you know that I find you very attractive?”

“I’m Justin right now.”

Brian blinks like the thought hadn’t even occurred to him, trailing his fingers up Justin’s forearm. “Aren’t you always? Wait, is this philosophy? I don’t think I can have sex and think about philosophy at the same time.”

And it’s simple after that. Whatever’s wrong, it’s none of Justin’s business, and he’s never been one to turn down an invitation to keep things easy. There are better things to drown in, he tells himself, and his mind goes blank as they kiss with just a little too much tongue and Brian wraps his hand around Justin’s dick.

—

Justin wasn’t always so careful. Justin had a habit of drowning in people with beautiful dreams and strange chins. He remembers them in pieces. Phillip, Wesley, Sharon-Aaron, Sharon, Sharon, Sharon. He’d wanted to be deconstructed, unwritten, assimilated into something better than a boy who would never be brave enough to be normal. Sometimes he still wants to drown until he forgets Justin and Alaska and everything in-between. But that’s not what Sharon wants to hear.

“Good,” he says.

Sharon stares back, unimpressed. “Why are you trying to lie to me?”

“I’m not,” Justin says, and it’s true. He’s not really lying so much as he is making a policy of not telling his ex every single thing that runs through his head. Sharon should know that. Or maybe Sharon suspects something. He looks at his nails on the table. That’s probably it. Stripped of Alaska’s razor-sharp plastic manicure, they are pale and ragged. He frowns. They didn’t look so ugly this morning, but that’s the Sharon effect. Somehow talking to her has always made Justin feel like an idiot teen – all at once becoming too much and not enough. “I’m fine. You’re not responsible for my bad decisions.”

Sharon snorts. It suits her more than concern, and a part of him thinks that this should worry him, that he thinks Sharon is at her most beautiful with scorn lining her lips. “That’s what I get for being one of your bad decisions.”

“If you want to put it that way,” Justin starts.

“I have four years of rage I haven’t used on you. I get very creative when I’m angry.”

This part is easy. Sharon smirks, still looking like the crazy punk dreamer who never entirely left the 90’s. Justin bares his teeth back – his horse-face, they called it. “What are you suggesting?”

“That I could read you for being a bitch, but I won’t.”

“It takes one to know one,” Justin drawls.

The teasing is new. Before, it had never really been so verbal – it had been cold fingers up Sharon’s sweater in February, nightmares and fantasies they’d whisper to each other in the mornings. They’d been serious. Sharon had wanted to build something and she could never find the words to explain how; only that she needed to destroy the world to make room. All Justin had known was that he trusted her vision more than his own, even when he was sober.

Thirty-two is too old for learning to create instead of destroy, to invent instead of borrow, but he has to try. But sitting across from Sharon, drinking coffee and not alcohol, he tells himself the world is ten shades brighter.

“How are you really, then?” Sharon asks.

“Just tired,” Justin answers.

—

It starts with Trixie. “Have you seen Katya?”

“No,” Justin says. “Did something happen?”

“No,” Trixie answers. “Nothing. Just wondering. I’m not sure. I haven’t seen her in a while, and she mentioned that you’d been hanging out lately. Sorry if I woke you up. Anyway, I’ll see you later.”

The line goes dead. Across him, Brian snores softly, yesterday’s makeup smeared across his chin and the cushions. Justin will have to get a new couch soon, he tells himself as he shoves his phone across the floor. “You can stop pretending to be asleep now,” he tells Brian.

Morning in Los Angeles is jarringly pale and it has washed Brian of all color. Where the light hits his stubble, he seems brittle like he’s lost weight. He doesn’t open his eyes. “Five more minutes, Mom.”

Justin pushes himself to his feet. He thinks he should expect something, or maybe feel something, but there’s only his stomach twisting itself into a post-clubbing knot. He lingers for a moment anyway, watching the way shadows settle into Brian’s cheekbones. Then, he heads into the kitchen and sets out the blueberries and pancake mix before he can change his mind. The problem is, he knows that he shouldn’t have lied. If anyone speaks Katya, or Brian, it’s Trixie with her strange ability to comprehend half Russian psychopath, half batshit American.

It’s not my problem.

But is it?

Justin is good at reading people. He’s good at cataloguing sidelong glances and knowing when to joke, when to comfort. Sharon had told him her theory once, that all queer kids learn how to be invisible at the right times to avoid dangerous attention, how to do what people expect. Justin stirs the rest of his milk into the pancake mix. He turns on the stove, puts out a pan with a slab of melting butter.

Something is wrong with Brian. It’s not the first time Brian’s annexed Justin’s living room after a show. The amount of tiny plastic hands lurking in wait between the couch cushions is atrocious. But bruises bloom beneath Brian’s eyes. Even after stealing all the blankets, he’d shivered all night. They’d talked yesterday at manic speeds, as if Brian had forgotten that Justin is barely proficient in his brand of logic.

Justin starts scooping the batter onto the pan. No, he decides. It’s not his place. Crazy as he can be, Brian is a private person. It strikes Justin that despite the fact that that he’s heard about every sexual encounter that Brian has had this year, he knows next to nothing about Brian’s life or his mind, that it sounds familiar.

(Once upon a time, there had been a boy who played so many roles that he lost himself.)

Then there’s Brian himself, standing in the kitchen doorway. He shifts from foot to foot, eyes downcast. For once, his awkwardness isn’t funny. Never one to miss an opportunity to get out of cooking, Justin places the spatula in Brian’s hand and pushes him to the stove. There’s a flash of something that tries to be a smile, then, nothing. Only Brian methodically stacking pancakes ceiling high on Justin’s Betty Boop plates.

Just as the silence threatens to swallow them both, Brian mutters, “Sorry.”

Neither of them are looking at each other. “But you didn’t want me to tell Trixie where you were.”

There’s too much whipped cream on the pancakes, which is fine. Justin has an incurable sweet tooth. “I think I might’ve asked you not to yesterday.”

“I don’t remember,” Justin admits. “It was more like I saw the look on your face.”

Brian looks at the ceiling, contemplates the stains there. It’s the last five years mapped out in shadows that never really fade. He turns off the stove and drops the spatula into the sink. “Sorry.”

“Does it make you feel better to say you’re sorry?”

“Not really,” Brian says, and for all that his eyes are oceans, it is nothing like a flood.

“I’m not sure what the problem is,” Justin says instead. “But you can keep coming here if you need a place. You don’t have anything to be sorry for if you just do the dishes or something.”

Because there is a tightness in his lungs that feels like fire when Brian smiles, or maybe a breathless summer in Erie. Because there’s a quality about Brian that seems swing toward happiness no matter what, and Justin can’t help but want to make him laugh. And somewhere along the road, he’d realized that he could say no to the strange three a.m. conversations and crazy childhood stories, but that he didn’t want to.

Because Brian says, “You’re a furry little gnome, and we feed you too much,” holds a straight face for one second, before collapsing into cackles.

“You can’t ruin that show for me,” Justin cuts in, “whatever you do, that’s like the one thing, you can’t ruin Golden Girls.”

But Brian is doing that scream-laugh that’s uniquely his, and Justin can’t help but join in.

—

The second time they fuck, it’s to Prometheus playing in the background. Brian’s dick is heavy against his tongue, and it’s spring and Justin is half-crazy from the moans and the way the couch cushions dig into his erection. And they climax like teens, all shuddering curses and sad, sad stamina. He tells Brian on the way to the trashcan, two used condoms swinging from his hand.

“But okay, did you know, did you know that it’s been a few months? And it’s the craziest thing too, because I think it’s because a month ago, I was going through an occult research phase, and this like, orgy cult got my email and now I’m invited to their moonlit trysts every fortnight.”

Justin laughs. “Are you going to go?”

“I’m thinking about it,” Brian says. He crosses his legs, then his arms, and then makes a truly disgusting face. “I feel like it would be like, like, too soon? I think there’s a level of comfort with myself that I have yet to achieve.”

“So, not the fact that you don’t know if these strangers have STDs.”

Justin sinks into the couch, and Brian pulls him into his arms. Their height difference is such that Justin’s feet dangle off the armrest.

“Well,” Brian says reasonably, “you never know if strangers have STDs. Eating ass is an adventure.”

“So, when you offered to help Violet with her show, that wasn’t community service.”

The arm around him shifts, shaking with laughter. “No, I got finished doing that months ago after they realized that yes, I did leave the stove on. And it wasn’t community service, I was exploring as of yet… ah, unmapped mysteries.”

“Don’t flatter the whore,” Justin says.

Brian wheezes, slamming a hand onto the spot where Justin’s heart beats, his entire body curling inward from laughter. “Mama, are you worried about indirect kisses?”

“I wouldn’t call you indirect. I can smell you from my kitchen before you even knock.”

The briefest touch of lips against his neck, and, “What do I smell like?”

Justin doesn’t remember the last time he felt this light, or even the last time he wanted to feel. Justin is new to wanting things for himself, caught halfway between mania and hesitation, where he can’t help but be too much because that’s better than not enough. But this is soap-bubble-thin and it’s so much easier to deadpan, “Desperation.”

It’s a cheap joke, but Brian laughs, soft and warm. “Did I ever tell you that you’re absolutely shit at reading me?”

“Don’t worry, I know.”

Brian goes still. “You know I’m fine, right? I don’t want to –“

“You’re not,” Justin says, and he has the feeling that Brian doesn’t know which question he’s answering either. He doesn’t want to have this conversation now. It’s too much trying to adjust and his mind’s still stuck on the joke he didn’t tell. “I don’t mind it. I –“

“It’s not fair to you, I know,” Brian interrupts. The hand on Justin’s back has stilled, and god he can hear every car coming down the street through these shitty walls. “You have enough to deal with right now, and I promised I’d tell you soon, it’s just spiraling out of control and I feel like I’m back to who I was ten years ago, and I really don’t want you to meet that person.”

It should worry him, that the moment the emotion reel begins it all feels fake. Suddenly he is transported to grade school where he’s auditioning for a part, making all the exaggerated motions to the back row. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he’s still hanging onto Ms. Zhu telling him that he got the part, and he can’t stop thinking about the things he should do and say. The correct response is to turn around and look Brian in the eye, grip his hands and tell him that it’s more than two fools grasping at permanence. It’s more than two fuck ups in mourning, that you can make something beautiful out of everything ugly. But his thoughts are a storm and he has no real reason to be unhappy.

He wants Brian, or maybe he wants move back to Erie. He wants to shoot up. Justin has never been good at wanting anything.

—

“What do you think?”

“I think that we never watch Contact together and it’s a sign. Also, I’m so fucking scared, Detox, I like, am seriously considering going for someone who regularly admits to being a crazy bitch.”

Detox gives him an unimpressed look. “Bitch, you’re not considering it. Stop trying to pull the shy act. I saw those drunk texts.”

Justin has to smirk at that. “Yeah, but sober is different.”

“Boo-hoo, you have to be responsible for your actions when you don’t have mind-bending shit in you, boo-fucking-hoo, grow up. How hard can it be? You’ve already –“

“Wow, I came here looking for sympathy,” Justin drawls. But it’s what he already knew, and he’s aware that he’s in danger of being slaughtered by Detox for being melodramatic. It’s simple, but –

(Brian turns his phone off and the car plunges into darkness. They are floating over mountains and clouds in a ski lift in Colorado and it sounds more poetic than it is. Later, he hears that Katya and Trixie are taking a break because Katya isn’t good at lines; she’s all the weirdness Brian was afraid to let out and Brian is half-in-love-drowning-mad. Later he hears that Brian hasn’t been on his phone in days, has deleted the half of his friends who are using. But now, there is only Brian and Justin huddling closer for warmth, then closer yet. Their lips meet, and, and, and…)

—

It’s the last thing he thought he’d hear himself say, “Let’s go back to testing it out then. Let’s just hang out, have a good time, let’s talk about shit. I’m probably going to fail at talking about shit right now, because I’m not having a good few months, and you’re not either, but I’ll try if you do.”

Brian blinks before he makes that gross noise again. “I never thought that you’re Trixie’s replacement,” he blurts out. His voice is scratchy like the words have clawed scars into his throat. “You were there at the time, but you’re not, I swear.”

He does turn over then, to find that Brian is looking at him with wide eyes. Up close, he can see that there are fine lines in the corners of those eyes. “Well, obviously. I can pass for a woman in the dark, and she can pass for a woman if you’re blind.”

There’s a quiet snort, and the eyes and nose crinkle together. “Oh my god, we were having a moment.”

Justin considers it, and decides to reenter the moment. “I hope you’re talking to her again.”

Brian frowns. “It’s the good thing about being a whore. Inevitably, something happens like lusting after your best friend and it’s somewhat socially acceptable?”

Justin raises an eyebrow.

“Yes, Mom, I’m talking to her and we’re halfway back to where we were, like good adults. Stop trying to reenact Thanksgiving Dinner.” Then, he tries again, leaning into Justin’s shoulder. “But it’s a little different. I guess we’re more, we’re more learning to laugh about it. That’s what we do.”

“What do we do?” Justin asks. Outside of the tiny plastic hands in the couch, the apartment is clean for the first time in years. Justin’s books are ordered on the shelves, and the refrigerator is stocked with something other than takeout. It seems they’re both better at taking care of others than they are of themselves, and he can work with it. “Can we promise to tell each other when something is wrong? Like we’re joking about it now, but at the end of the jokes, I want to know about you.”

A stray bit of sunlight lands on Brian’s cheek. It’s warm to the touch. “I’ll try,” he agrees.

Beautiful people with strange chins, Justin thinks. Drowning in them felt like justice. But he knows better now than to trade his ideas and for theirs, to lose himself in their visions. Beautiful people with strange chins who are different people, at the end of the day – just as he has changed. He thinks he’s learned how to be ambitious.

He hopes he knows how to dream.

#alaska thunderfuck #katya zamolodchikova #sharon needles #detox icunt #trixie mattel #katlaska #past shalaska #one-sided trixya #slow burn #slight smut #canon compliant #svetlana #rpdr fanfiction #pygmalion #tw mention of substance abuse #submission #tw substance abuse #tw depression

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