#and I don’t mean generic footsoldiers either

[powdermelonkeg]

The pirates that attacked Lurelin should have been Yiga

[autisticandroids]

yknow those episodes where a character's whole personality gets split into 3-5 different distinct separate bodies? what bodies would cas have? I feel like it'd just be a mess tbh, imagine 5 different castiels all of them loving dean to a certain extent but showing it VASTLY differently. one cas would literally want to murder the others lmao

okay so i don’t actually think this trope would be an effective tool for analyzing cas? he’s not conflicted enough in himself. he’s too impulsive, too singleminded, too uninhibited. like, in the end, cas always ends up doing whatever he wants. there aren’t multiple discrete voices vying for control, really, or rather, if there are, one is always significantly stronger than the others. like in the end cas will always end up eating raw meat off the floor, you know? he’ll do what he wants. if i was going to do personality splitting i’d do it to someone intensely internally conflicted, like dean.

however, because i’m in an essay writing mood today, i’ll answer a question slightly to the left of the one you asked. cas may not be internally conflicted, but he is intensely changeable. these two things are related, actually; the same impulsivity and singlemindedness that mean he doesn’t have a ton of internal conflict at any given time mean that different ideas sound good to him at different times, because he isn’t really thinking about, say, what future-him will think of them. and he’s not really trying to maintain an image or identity. he’s just doing what feels right at the time, which is very different at different times and in different situations.

anyway, that in mind, i think a lot about ways to bring together many alternate versions of cas which sort of correspond to different times in the show.

i have a fic in my head about a bunch of cas-es pulled from alternate timelines by some kind of spell. so this would be set during the widower arc because the basic impulse here is to show dean a very bad time. just absolutely put him through hell. also, all the alternate timelines are different because different stuff happened, not because cas made different choices, because if we’re torturing dean it has to be like 5x04, the changes in cas can’t be cas’ fault. they have to be dean’s or just like, the universe’s (which makes them dean’s).

so dean is trying to bring cas back, and he finds some kind of spell that can bring someone “from another world.” and he tries it because hey. can’t hurt to try. anyway i’ve thought a long time about different versions of cas i would put in this and here is what i have. in order of when the timeline split off.

- a cas who never raised dean from hell. think 14x13 “lebanon.” this one i’m not too sure about, like, this could be fun, but i don’t know if it’s different enough from the next one. like this castiel would have lived through the averted apocalypse and subsequent general fuckery that happened as an angelic footsoldier, which would actually be pretty interesting now that i think about it, especially since all that stuff would have gone down soooooooo differently without cas specifically for your average angel footsoldier. like cas has PERSONALLY caused more upheaval in heaven in twelve years of spn than there seems to have been in millennia. so he would be the point of view of a normal footsoldier from a totally other world.

- a cas who died mid season four, and is pulled out of the empty in 2017 by this spell. i’m not sure when this cas died. my thoughts are (1) killed in on the head of a pin by alistair, (2) killed during his torture in the rapture, or (3) simply never resurrected after lucifer rising. (3) makes the most sense, but that cas has already thrown away everything for dean. i prefer the idea of a cas who loves dean, is already on the brink of disobedience for him, but has not yet taken the plunge. both on the head of a pin and the rapture are great places for this, and they both have strengths and weaknesses. if he died in the rapture, he was killed by heaven, which is fundamentally more fun, but he was also really very much over the edge already. if he died in on the head of a pin, he wasn’t killed by heaven, but he is perfectly teetering on the brink of falling for dean. regardless of when he died, the purpose of this cas is to be horrified at all the various and myriad ways he has destroyed and corrupted himself for dean in the other timelines.

- possibly endverse cas, who would have died in 2014, but like s4 cas, would have been pulled from the afterlife by the spell. i’m not so sure on this one. we as a society love endverse cas but i dunno what purpose he would serve. maybe endverse cas didn’t die in 2014, and instead was imprisoned by lucifer, because, you know. he’s the only brother lucifer has left. so he is very excited to see dean alive and well, since his dean is dead, and, not being an angel, cas can’t bring him back. the purpose of this cas would be to horrify dean that cas loves him and needs him so much, and to disgust the other cas-es with his neediness.

- a cas who was in some way on better terms with dean during s6. maybe dean and cas ride off into the sunset together after swan song instead of dean going to live with lisa, maybe dean prayed to cas while he was with lisa because he missed him, who knows. either way, cas has dean’s help with the angel revolution in season six from the start, and never goes to crowley. the plan cas and dean come up with to beat raphael includes breaking into the cage and stealing the grace of michael and lucifer, freeing sam and adam in the process. incidentally, it also involves cas possessing dean, because if cas is gonna eat archangel grace to become more powerful, he’s going to need a stronger vessel. so cas and dean have a whole like. midam situation happening. they’re a double archangel together, and godstiel never happened so none of the other terrible apocalypses that stemmed from that happened, and everything is pretty cool where they’re from, and also they’re obviously uhhhhhh SOME kind of together. the purpose of this cas is to upset dean because this cas shows how much better everything could have been and how much better his and cas’ relationship could have been if dean had simply been more considerate of cas in s6, and also freak dean out with how uh. close. this dean and cas are.

- a godstiel who managed to swallow purgatory without swallowing the leviathans and remained god. he’s probably soooomewhat less scary and murdery than canonverse godstiel because no leviathans, so you know, not as many angel purges or massacres on earth. and he probably went and fixed sam’s wall within about three days because cas is prideful but he does NOT like it when dean is mad at him. so they did kiss and make up, and so this cas would have had dean to act as his morality chain. but he’s still very scary and godstiel. and also he refers to dean as “The Beloved” you know. his purpose is to freak everyone out, because he’s scary, but also, for the past cas-es, because he is a terrifying abomination that they could never imagine becoming, for the future cas-es, because he is a reminder of their worst selves, and for dean, because he is a reminder of how dangerous cas is, but also because he uh. obviously has some feelings about his dean. unclear if they are consummated or not.

- a cas who naomi never rescued from purgatory, and who stayed there. hasn't spoken to another being in half a decade, has not recovered from his emotionally destroyed state in purgatory in s8. believes at first that the spell is his dean rescuing him, and is crushed when he realizes he was wrong. like endverse cas, his purpose is to show dean how much cas needs him and depends on him emotionally, and how he (dean) is capable of destroying cas, as well as his guilt for leaving him in purgatory and how lucky he is that his cas got out. this is especially noteworthy since the guilt for leaving cas in purgatory is part of the reason dean is trying to get cas back.

- a cas who stayed human after season nine, and has built himself a small human life over the next four years. he has a job and an apartment and friends outside the winchesters and yes, he still goes hunting after work sometimes, and he's still in contact with dean, but he is also independent in a way no other version of cas has ever been. he exists to freak out dean because dean has never seen cas independent of him. he is also fairly bitter at dean since dean did kind of stop spending time with him when he was no longer useful, and our dean feels guilty for that.

- a cas who showed up twenty minutes later in 10x03, finding sam dead and dean gone, and had to chase down demon dean, and has now spent three years following demon dean around as his tragically adoring stalker, because he hasn't found a way to resurrect sam yet and he doesn't want to put dean through the demon cure until he can save sam because he doesn't want dean to experience that guilt, but he also adores dean and wants to keep an eye on him and keep him safe and also keep him from doing anything too heinous, so he just covertly follows him around the country and watches from a distance as he commits various murders and fucks his way through every local bar scene. and occasionally cas finds dean something to kill, when the mark gets hungry, and drops it in his path. his purpose is to freak dean out with the lengths cas would go for him, and the depths cas would sink to.

anyway. lebanon cas and season four cas are horrified and perhaps disgusted (lebanon cas more than s4 cas) by ALL of the later cas-es, and how far they’re fallen, all of it for dean. godstiel and archangel cas being abominations, endverse cas and s9 cas being fallen, even purgatory cas and demon dean’s cas for their total dependence on dean.

purgatory cas and endverse cas are just happy to see a dean, even if it’s not their dean. demon dean’s cas, too, in a way. he’s happy to see a dean who is still human, who he can still have as a friend.

human cas is pissed to see that he was right, that dean would have stuck by him if he’d still had his powers, that this version of dean is doing spells to try and bring his cas, who is still an angel, back, whereas he and his dean only see each other once every couple months.

everyone is terrified and disgusted by godstiel, as i said before.

they’re mostly kind of thrown by archangel cas. a lot of them are jealous. godstiel is furious because how dare anyone, even an alternate version of himself, take dean as a vessel (even if dean likes it). godstiel isn’t really there, though, he resisted the summoning and just sort of popped his head through to see what was going on, and he goes back to his own reality pretty fast without murdering anyone.

also to be clear dean has not at this point examined or acknowledged any feelings he may have about his cas besides “friendship,” nor has he wondered what feelings his cas may have for him. given how many of the cas-es were clearly in some kind of relationship with their dean (endverse cas, archangel cas) or just openly in love with their dean (godstiel, purgatory cas, demon dean’s cas), dean is forced to reevaluate the nature of his and cas’ relationship.

[qqueenofhades]

What weapons were used during the Crusades? I remember something vaguely about bows/crossbows being important but nothing else. Thank you :D

Nonnie, if you are (as I suspect) asking this for Very Important Fic Research Purposes, let me just say: you, my good gentleman/lady/nonbinary pal/mineral/vegetable, are Extremely Valid, and I salute you utterly. Let us just quietly assume that is in fact what you are doing. Buckle up, because yes. You have to consider individual and collective weaponry, differences in Christian vs. Muslim armies, tactics, and their development over the crusades. Never fear, I am here to make it entertaining (ish) for you. Let’s start with the individual warriors.

How To Arm Your Crusader: Nicky Edition

First! Nicky is from Genoa, which was most notably involved in the First and Third Crusades. I mention this because if you’re deciding to place him among a contingent of his fellow countrymen, it’s useful to know where you can most easily do that and where it would be most realistic to have them fighting. It will also make a difference for what he’s armed with. You are correct about crossbows being one of the major weapons of the crusades; indeed they were so effective in medieval warfare generally that the church tried to ban them, at the Third Lateran Council in 1179, from being used on fellow Christians. (Muslims were still fair game.) Longbow archers were used occasionally (though it wasn’t until the 13th century, mostly after the end of the crusades, that they became a major battlefield force), but Nicky would definitely be a crossbowman or at least know how to use one, because we have multiple mentions of Genoese crossbowmen in the sources. (Me in the shower this morning: YOU IDIOT OF COURSE HE’S A CROSSBOWMAN! YOU SEE HIM WITH A LONG RIFLE AND EVERYTHING!). Notably, Richard the Lionheart fought the Battle of Jaffa (1192) with 54 Genoese crossbowmen, about 100 knights, and 2 horses. It is up to you if you decide to use this fact or not, ahem.

Crossbows are easier to learn how to use than longbows, but require strength to wind the mechanism and launch the bolt. There is also a more powerful version called the arbalest, which had a frame made of metal instead of wood. These also had a longer range, so they were in fact a bit like the assault rifles of their day. Unlike a rifle, however, you have to have enough time to fire the weapon (which takes a while) and therefore it’s not as useful if the enemy is right on top of you. They’re most helpful in attacking an enemy in a more stationary position (such as, say atop a tower or a wall) and where you can have enough space to reload without being overrun.

We see that Nicky has a broadsword, which would also be a fairly standard weapon for a crusader. Most boys started their training at the age of 7, and the value in achieving the rank of knighthood would rise steadily over the course of the crusades, complementing the development of the ethos of chivalry. At the time of the Norman Conquest (1066), we could still have “free” or “unfree” knights, and it was a mark of military service rather than a distinct social rank. But with the popularity of chivalric literature in the 12th century, the ideas and prestige associated with knighthood skyrocketed. I know I’ve written some posts about this somewhere, which I’m too lazy to go find right now, but you can possibly find them in my medieval history tag. In essence, chivalry means martial prowess. It has a more romanticized aspect, of course, but it’s mostly about kicking ass, though it does prescribe certain codes of conduct for combatants (on both sides) and for noble-born women, as well as a strong religious aspect. If you do want more info on this and how to avoid the stereotypes of a chivalric knight, let me know and I’ll go dig up my old stuff.

There’s also a big difference between fighting on foot (infantry) and fighting on horseback (cavalry). All the footsoldiers were a lower or more common rank, and if you had a horse, you were almost certainly a knight or a professional soldier. Footsoldiers usually were pike (spear)men, since even if you only have long spears and a shield wall, you can throw together a pretty awesome defense. (At the Battle of Hastings, English fyrdmen with just pikes and shields almost defeated multiple Norman heavy cavalry charges.) Plus, a spear doesn’t take too much special training: just poke the sharp end into the other guy, as Jon Snow might say. Hence it was easier for non-professional soldiers or citizen conscripts to use it rather than the more specialized skills for knights.

The best warhorses were known as destriers. They were specially trained to kick, bite, and raise as much hell as their masters in battle; they were expensive and prized. A fast, strong horse often also used for war or for fast travel is a courser. A horse for non-battle or basic transport situations would be a palfrey or a rouncey (though lower-status men-at-arms could also ride one in battle). We can decide whether or not Nicky has one of these.

Armor! The Christian crusaders wore steel (chainmail) which was a major advantage in close-quarters combat. This is not the plate armor you may be thinking of, since full-body armor didn’t get used until around the 14th century at the earliest and came into full vogue in the 15th/16th century (by which cannons had often made it obsolete and dangerous). Chainmail is no joke: it weighs at least thirty pounds and boys had to wear it from childhood to know how to stand up in it, let alone move. (I.e. all those movies where anyone just slaps it on and is fine are liars.) You would wear several layers: first an undertunic, then a padded leather gambeson, the steel hauberk itself (often thigh-length), and then a cloth tabard on top, which displays your badge or flag or your cross, if you’re a crusader (though these were far from ubiquitous and sometimes color-coded by country). That way people can also tell which side you belong to. You wear a helmet on your head (obviously), vambraces and gloves on your arms, and greaves on your legs, over heavy leather boots. Now imagine all that coming at you with a spear on a charging warhorse.

.... what I’m saying is, medieval knights could kick your ASS.

You can also use daggers, hatchets, and other small arms (morningstars are cool, but alas, were never really used in the field). A knight sometimes carried a special blade known as a misericorde, which had the gruesome but necessary purpose of finishing off a wounded enemy (or friend) who hadn’t died immediately from their injury but wasn’t going to survive it either. Welp.

And with that:

How To Arm Your Muslim Warrior: Joe Edition

So we’ve got Nicky sorted: what about his More Than Boyfriend mortal enemy? Well, for the most part, it will look something like the above. Christian crusaders of the period would have called Muslims “Saracens,” which was the name for them, along with less flattering things (heathens, infidels, etc) but when in doubt, if writing from a crusader POV, you can just use Saracens. Actual Muslims obviously never use this word to refer to themselves. They did not have crossbows, but rather shorter and more mobile bows that were designed to be used from horseback. Arabian horses were smaller in stature than European destriers, but faster and more maneuverable, and had a legendary reputation for speed and temperament. Muslim forces would also sometimes ride to the battlefield and then dismount to fight.

We see that Joe has a sword with a shorter and wider/slightly curved blade in comparison to Nicky’s long, straight broadsword. In my fic, I call this a saif, which is just the Arabic word for sword and is how Muslims of the period would have referred to it (the word “scimitar” is from an Italian name for it and wasn’t used until at least the 16th century). It can mostly refer to any Islamic sword in this style, though there are different names for regional variations. If you want to give him a really cool and culturally significant weapon (especially since I headcanon him as a Fatimid Shia Muslim from Egypt), you could give him the zulfiqar, which was a double-pointed sword used by Ali ibn Abi Talib, a cousin of Prophet Muhammad and one of the main figures in Shia Islam. It is often represented on flags and in battlefield invocations. The actual zulfiqars that exist are more often dated from the 16th/17th century with the Ottomans or from 19th-century Persia, rather than from the crusades, but hey, you can always say that Joe had something to do with that. Sidenote, research the differences in the various Muslim dynasties of the crusader period, as they’re definitely not one size fits all (especially in re: the prominence of Sunni sultans in the later crusades, and how Joe might have thought about that).

As noted, the Muslims didn’t wear steel armor, which was a disadvantage to them in close-quarters combat with crusaders. Their armor was made of boiled leather and lamellar scales, designed to be light and good for long-distance riding rather than a heavy battle. They would also have helmets (in various shapes and styles), gloves, etc. An archer would have a quiver and have to think about using, reclaiming, or mending arrows after a battle (the Never Ending Quiver in every movie ever: ALSO WRONG).

I will confess that I don’t know as much about Islamic warrior ethoi comparable to chivalry as I should. However, the crusades were taking place against the backdrop of the Islamic Golden Age, in which the culture, sophistication, and scholarly study in the Islamic world was at its height, and there are plenty of artists, poets, mathematicans, and philosophers that Joe would be familiar with, that would guide his actions in the way that chivalry might for a knight. Such as, for example, Avicenna (Ibn Sina) from Samarkand, or the Banu Musa brothers of Baghdad. There would also obviously be the Qur’an and the ahaditha (sayings of Prophet Muhammad) and other religious texts and traditions. Obviously if you’re going to use any of these, be respectful, do your research, and present it in a positive way.

And then of course there is the:

Big-Ass Cool Weapons of Major Boom

So what else do we have on a large scale, aside from the individual warriors? For a start, we have (on the crusader side) siege engines, such as mangonels, trebuchets, towers, etc. These are not comparable to the Return of the King-esque “break off a chunk of the city with every hit,” but they were pretty damn effective; during the Third Crusade, one stone from a trebuchet was reputed to have killed twelve people in the market in Acre. Richard the Lionheart also hauled along a lot of high-quality stone from Sicily to make better missiles than the soft crumbly sandstone of the Holy Land. There’s a reference to a “cat,” which seems to have been a tower containing multiple compartments for crossbowmen, which could be pushed up against city walls. There are also battering rams and other blunt-force weapons, since sieges were a main part of every crusade. (In fact, commanders tried to avoid open battles as much as they could, though there were also usually at least one on each crusade.) Defensive strategy included digging deep ditches around walls, to prevent your opponent’s siege engines from getting too close, or just throwing stuff down at them as they tried to climb with scaling ladders. With this, we also have....

Greek fire! It’s semi-similar to wildfire from Game of Thrones, even if not quite as effective, but still a pretty cool weapon. The Muslims used it first; it didn’t enter Christian warfare until Geoffrey Plantagenet introduced it in 1151 (his grandson, Richard the Lionheart, also got to be rather fond of it). It was a long-burning liquid explosive that could burn even on water and couldn’t be put out by regular means; it was very feared and very effective. So if you were under siege and had some of that stuff to pour down on the defenders, it would be useful (along with boiling pitch, oil, or other more ordinary substances). Your enemy might plan for that or try to defend against it by using hides soaked in water or some other kind of shield.

Anyway, I’m sure there is more I could say here, but this is already MORE than long enough. I hope it is helpful to start with. And inspirational. Ahem.

[lady-divine-writes]

Good Omens one-shot “At the End” (Rated PG)

Summary: When the angels and demons finally succeed in having their war, there's only one thing that Aziraphale and Crowley can do with the time Earth has left...

Say goodbye to their home. (1408 words)

Notes: I wrote this hoping I would be accepted into a zine that ended up being canceled. The theme was basically what happens after Armageddon.

Read on AO3.

"Wot do you think you'll miss most about Earth?"

"Really, my dear?" Aziraphale clicks his tongue in disgust, but he can't bring himself to look away from the chaos ensuing below them to berate his companion properly. "What a question to ask at a time like this!"

"I think this is the perfect time to ask that question," Crowley says, but without his teasing edge. He offers it sympathetically. They both have a similar connection to this planet, had an investment in it thriving, but Crowley feels Aziraphale's heart breaking more than his. "When you lose something, you mourn it."

"It's not entirely lost! N-not yet." Aziraphale chokes around the words. Even though they leave his mouth passionately, he knows he has sinned by saying them. 

Not lost yet may be the biggest lie he's ever told. 

The first few hours had been soul-crushing. 

The moment Holy rays broke through the clouds and shone down from above, ethereal voices announcing the arrival of God's angelic army, a flock of the faithful came out in droves to greet them. They prayed, sang joyously, raised their voices to the Heavens, invoked every one of God's Holy monickers. It should have been a huge stroke to Her ego... if She had been paying attention.

From Aziraphale and Crowley's perch atop St. Paul's Cathedral, that doesn't appear to be the case.

Those God-fearing mortals were the first to get trodden underfoot as angels barreled over them to confront their enemy - an extremely vulgar and unnecessary display when one considers that angelic footsoldiers can fly.

Hordes of evil-doers emerged from hiding as well, in lesser, but equally exuberant, numbers. They seemed suspiciously more eager for the fight, proving that those who call themselves 'Christian' might outnumber worshippers of Lucifer, but demons had their zealots better prepared for what the end of times would actually entail.

Either way, it didn't matter.

Those humans willing to spill blood at the drop of a hat, even their own, were used as cannon fodder against a foe they couldn't possibly hope to defeat. Within seconds, thousands lay dead on the streets of London and, Aziraphale suspected, all over the world.

For their part, Aziraphale and Crowley refused to join the battle, but no one paid them a lick of attention. An angel cavorting with a demon was no longer an issue. They could finally do as they pleased without fear of retribution, albeit on a planet whose hours were numbered.

"I would have to say I'm going to miss my car," Crowley continues, provoking conversation in an effort to allay his angel's anxiety. "And my flat. And alcohol. Hell's bells am I going to miss alcohol."

"Pity we don't have some now. I think a hull full would find itself useful," Aziraphale adds in a weak attempt at humor.

"Wot about you? Will you miss the food? Your bookshop?"

Aziraphale sighs. "Humanity."

Crowley raises a brow. "Humanity?"

"Yes. Without humanity, the rest of it wouldn't have been possible." Aziraphale scans the carnage below, trying not to focus for too long on any one thing... or any one person. He's already seen too many faces he recognizes, twisted from agony. "Without humanity, it wouldn't have meant anything."

"I suppose."

A tortured voice rings out, but it's snuffed out quickly. Aziraphale doesn't know which side does it, but he shakes his head in shame all the same. “I thought She’d show them mercy. I thought that, in the end, She’d come through. Spare them. That She wouldn't allow them to suffer as bystanders in all of this.”

“I hate to be the one to say I told you so, but… ”

“Then don’t, my dear.” Aziraphale reaches out and takes Crowley's hand, pleading wordlessly for him to stop, but also needing him for comfort. “Where is She? Where has She gone? Why has She abandoned them?”

"You've been asking that question for generations. I would think, by now, you'd know the answer."

"But I don't. Perhaps I should... " Aziraphale swallows heavily, his attention pulled to the skies by a streak of gold, then one of violet, passing overhead. "They know," he spits bitterly. Crowley follows his angel's gaze to the trails above them, one which he assumes must be Gabriel's. "She's obviously told them."

"Perhaps not," Crowley says, not in an attempt to defend Her, but to soothe his angel. "Just like last time, they're doing wot they think is right. Following wot they believe."

"And what do they believe? I don't know! They've never told me!"

"You'd think you'd all be on the same page. I mean, there's a book about it and all."

Aziraphale scoffs at that. "I think you and I both know that the archangels, Gabriel in particular, have never held any stock in books. Books are primitive, human things. They have nothing to do with angels. Not even the Bible... " A host more gold streaks zip by, and Aziraphale's words trail off into nothingness. Of all the books in Aziraphale's collection, his Bibles have always been his favorites. And not just the misprinted ones. The words inside gave him comfort, especially during those long stretches when he didn't hear from God at all. Though written by man, they were imparted by Her (if he overlooked the dodgy editing). 

But they're gone. Not a single one remains, not even in the church where they stand, its insides crackling, burning beneath their feet.

Earth had become Aziraphale's Eden. Now, so many things he held dear are disappearing before his eyes.

Crowley squeezes the hand holding his. "Come, my love. It’s time to leave the garden.”

Aziraphale's eyes snap his way. They linger on his face for a moment, then drop to their clasped hands. “6000 years on this planet and you choose today of all days to call me your love?”

“I'm sorry." Crowley inches closer, lifts Aziraphale's hand to his mouth and kisses it. "I really am. I should have said it sooner. But I’m going to take you to a place where I’ll say it every day. I promise.” He wraps an arm around his angel's shoulders, gently urging Aziraphale to leave before the battle brewing, showing no sign of slowing down until it has consumed every last brick, every last breath of air, swallows them, too.

But Aziraphale hesitates. "C-can't we take them with us?" He gestures down to a tattered group of frightened survivors - a shivering young woman, no older than twenty-five if she's a day, and three children, all under the age of ten - huddled in a narrow crevice created by a metal door off its hinges, sheltering them among the rubble of the church's ruined stairs. 

They've found themselves a decent hideaway, Aziraphale thinks. But he knows they're simply delaying the inevitable. They'll be found out before too long, become collateral damage.

Like everyone else.

"We can't just leave them to die, Crowley."

"We have no other choice." Crowley's need to escape intensifies as he watches the poor humans, tastes their fear rise with the heat of the flames. "Besides, perhaps they'll pull through. You never know. Humans have always been resourceful. They might find a way." 

"Do you honestly think so?"

"Yes," Crowley lies. He would give his angel anything in the universe, anything within his power. He's trying to give him faith.

Because he can't give him this. 

They can't save anyone but themselves.

Crowley turns Aziraphale away, blocks his view by unfurling his dark wings, ready to lift his angel into the air on his own if Aziraphale refuses. "I'm sorry, my love. We must leave them behind."

Aziraphale relents, unfurling his own white wings and heading for the upper atmosphere, watery eyes focused on the where in front of him and not the destruction behind him, with Crowley's shard of hope keeping his heart pinned in place. 

Crowley should do the same. Ignorance is bliss, after all. But like Lot's wife, Crowley peeks behind him one last time to say goodbye to this place that has been his home for most of his existence. 

It was a wonderful existence, but mostly because he had Aziraphale there to muddle through with him.

At least Crowley will still have him when all is said and done.

The last thing Crowley sees before they breach the clouds is St. Paul's Cathedral crumble in on itself, leaving behind a mound of ash.

And nothing more.

[hellzyeahthewebwieldingavenger]

Absolute Carnage #1 Thoughts

Absolute Carnage is an Absolute Triumph!

Do not get it twisted. I will not be covering older or future issues of Cates’ Venom run. Nor will I be covering every tie in issue for this event. In fact I was not planning on covering the main book in the first place.

But after reading it I now will be and have put it on my pull list.

Cates’ Venom work has been tremendous despite the detractors.

There have been some writing issues with older Venom continuity, but those issues are the by product of Cates desperately loving this character and the symbiote franchise and wanting to make Eddie Brock and his version of Venom a viable anti-hero protagonist character going forward.

To be clear I still fundamentally oppose that direction for the character, but if it must happen (and sales practically demand it happen) then yes we should have good writing accordingly. Cates has thus reinvented Brock and Venom (without a total overhaul) and rendered them fascinating, sympathetic, but still with plenty of edge and moral ambiguity.

He has not done the same for Carnage. He has simply taken Carnage and made him true to what he always was. A force of nature, a force of chaos and death with a Freddy Krueger wisecracking personality.

However what Cates has done for Carnage is reframe him in this story.

Whereas before Carnage was a spikey, sharp obstacle heroes needed to band together to bring down, now he’s beyond that. As he says, he is a God now, or at least almost Godlike. A Red Grim Reaper that even a monster like Venom is rightly afraid of.

Heroes might be able to stall him for awhile, but never stop him.

Much like Freddy Krueger, or Jason Voorhees or any of the classical slasher villains then, Carnage has been reframed as a horror monster. But imagine Jason, Freddy or Michael Myers with the almost Lovecraftian raw power behind them.

Scary right? And that’s what Absolute Carnage is. It’s a superhero horror story.*

It gets scarier when you consider Carnage isn’t even himself the real horroer, he’s the harbinger of it. Knull, the literal GOD OF THE SYMBIOTES is the ends through which Kasady is the bloody red means. Knull has recently appeared in Cates’ Silver Surfer run and it only just struck me writing this that in a sense Carnage is to Knrull what the Surfer was to Galactus.

Carnage is the Herald of Knull.

Kasady has all the over the top immense abilities he had before as Carnage, only now they’ve been cranked up to 11. Which considering the whole point of Carnage was that he was cranked up to 11 makes Absolute Carnage 22? He’s less vulnerable to sonics and fire and injury in general. His anatomy is contorted to the point where when bonded with the symbiote his waist is as thin as his spine and he’s HUGE. He can generate other symbiotes and bond them to others making them his footsoldiers.

He’s seemingly Absolutely unstoppable.

In this sense Absolute Carnage is a true blue sequel to Maximum Carnage. Like so many sequels of the time it is BIGGER. Whereas in Maximum Carnage the question was how far should the heroes go to stop Carnage, in Absolute Carnage the question is rather how on Earth CAN they stop him?

It’s Carnage taken to his absolute logical conclusion and I love it.

Now in fairness all that is contingent upon you liking Carnage in the first place. I’d still recommend regular ASM readers skim the issue as events from it will be relevant, but if you don’t like Carnage in general maybe don’t buy this.

However the issue holds other merits.

Cates is a unique beast amidst symbiote writers because he actually seems to unrepentantly LIKE them.

In the history of all the symbiote comics writers have either approached the characters as enjoying Venom and/or Carnage or parts of their lore but being very selective. Flash Thompson’s run on Venom for instance carried an undercurrent of, if not contempt, then elitism towards Eddie Brock and all the other symbiotes hence Remender (or was it Bunn?) sought to clean the slate of them. Bendis infamously didn’t even want to do Venom in Ultimate Spider-Man, rarely used him after he did and totally reframed the symbiotes in Guardians of the Galaxy to be glorified gooey Green Lanterns.

And I will be the first to admit I fall into the cadre of people who are extremely selective when it comes to symbiote lore. My love for them is through the lens of how they fit in and enrich Spider-Man’s  mythology, not appreciating them on the basis of their own mythology.

Cates is entirely different. He is first and foremost a Venom/symbiote fan. He is someone, and there are interviews corroborating this, who as a kid had one of his formative comic book lover experiences with anti-hero 90s Venom and stories like that.

This is why so many of the Web of Venom comic books that have been setting up this event have directly or indirectly referenced those 90s Venom books, even if it’s just in the name of the comics. Unleashed. Funeral Pyre. Cult of Carnage. Carnage Born. I mean he’s the first comic book creator to have ever expressed adoration for Carnage Mind Bomb, the first ever true blue Carnage horror story that is his equivalent to the Killing Joke. It’s obscure, macabre, twists and gruesome. But it lays out for you everything about who Carnage is. He hasn’t got layers. And that is the point.

Cates’ love for those stories, for the symbiote lore oozes (pun intended) in his Venom work and this comic. He WANTS to use every corner of that lore that he can and add to it. He wants to tell the greatest symbiote epic of our time. He wants to do the ultimate Carnage story, the ultimate Venom story.

Hell he WANTS to do a Maximum Carnage tribute because he unapologetically loves that piece of hot trash.

And he wants you to love that stuff too. I don’t agree with the decision to do stories like this because I feel Venom and Carnage should be just about the only symbiotes around and be nothing more than Spidey villains at that. And yet...I feel his enthusiasm pulsing from the pages of this comic.

His love and excitement for using these characters and doing something this big is as palpable as it is infectious. And so he’s won me over. I don’t agree with doing this story but I’m so onboard for enjoying the ride.

It helps that it’s honestly very well written.

He’s done his homework (and symbiote canon is a fucking mess let me tell you so that is impressive), he throws out deep cut references to stuff like Marvel Knights or the Life Foundation. More than that when you look at this issue and his Venom run up to this point you can see how meticulous he planned it. it could go way off the rails of course, but right now he’s firing on all cylinders. Carnage was appropriately foreshadowed and built up, his escapades were well documented in various issues preceding this event. The Knull mythology was clearly established, the stakes were appropriately set up.

And just in case you disagree he spells it all out for you concisely in the first few pages of this oversized issue. I’ve been reading the run and even I appreciated the refresher course.

He doesn’t just give us a larger than life doomsday scenario though, or even a ‘a bad guy is doing bad things we need to stop him’ plot. By making everyone to have bonded to a symbiote a target it means characters we are emotionally invested in, even if they are villains we love to hate, are in jeopardy.

And at the beating heart of it all is the story of a father and a son.

Eddie Brock and his son, unbeknownst to the boy of course. On a thematic level this is relevant because Dylan and Kasady/Carnage are both the products of Brock and the Venom symbiote. But the fact that this is all about Knull, the ‘father’ if you will of all symbiotes makes this a metaphorical family drama.

And Peter Parker to my surprise and delight is a part of it. I didn’t expect him to show up or to seemingly have the starring role he will have, and yet here he is. That’s what got this onto my pull list.

If there are any criticisms to be had it relates to Spider-Man continuity.

Peter is nonchalant over Brock knowing who he is.

Spider-Man in costume refers to Normie as his Godson multiple times in front both Normie and Dylan.

Norman Osborn may or may not still have the Carnage symbiote (the art makes this a bit unclear).

Spidey is very chill with Brock.

These do bother me, they are objectively writing issues I will not deny that, even though my thrill at the rest of the comic means on a pure enjoyment level I can’t bring myself down by sweating them.

My only defences would be that Peter upon learning Brock is once more aware of who he is would probably not react that badly to the information for a few reasons. First of all he was already living with the distinct possibility that Brock already knew the truth about him. The symbiote had known for a long time and had been bonded to Brock for awhile now so it was always a possibility. Second of all the Brock/Venom of the 80s and 90s is not the Brock of the current run. That is to my personal chagrin, but nevertheless Peter knows Brock and the symbiote are nicer more moralistic folks now and if they still held a grudge they’d have come after him, with or without knowing who he was.

My other defence is that this is not a Spider-Man story. It is a Venom story. It is in essence Spider-Man/Peter Parker filtered through the lens of Venom and the needs and requirements of serving Venom’s character and narrative. Whilst a major problem in Maximum Carnage was serving Carnage and Venom at Peter’s expense, that was a Spidey story in his titles, this is Venom’s story so giving him the spotlight, short-changing Peter’s continuity for the sake of propelling the plot along, that’s fair game. I don’t like it but it’s fair game.

Similarly Peter becomes Brock’s supporting character in this story and an effective one at that.

Brock recognizes Spider-Man is his best ally to resolve this situation even though he hates him. We learn more about Brock as a person through his feelings towards Spider-Man. Where once irrational hatred flowed now there is surprisingly...jealously. Spidey often gets a bum rap in the press and yet Venom is envious of that because in and out of the costume it’s much better than his lot in life.

There is also two wonderfully poignant moments between the two. The first is where Peter learns Dylan is Brock’s son and that Dylan doesn’t know this. We see the hurt Peter feels when he relates how terrible it is to not know who your father is. The second poignant moment is when Brock is distraught that Carnage must have desecrated the body of his deceased ex-wife and Dylan’s mother. For a character like Eddie Brock who’s so often (unfairly frankly) been dismissed as lacking depth this is a shocking moment of sadness, compounded by the fact that Dylan doesn’t know who Ann was. In this same moment Spider-Man looks remorseful too, which is a subtle piece of continuity porn done right by Cates. Ann was first introduced in ASM #375 (the issue setting up Brock’s solo series actually) and later died in ASM vol 2 #19.

What follows is another Spidey/Venom team up but arguably the best, or at least one of the best ever, as they encounter the Maker a.k.a. Ultimate Reed Richards which is a historic moment as Spider-Man finally gets to meet the counterpart to his old friend. There is plenty of other connections between hem too. The Ultimate Universe is innately associated with Spider-Man more than anyone else, the Maker like him was a young genius and they were both among the Secret Wars 2015 survivors. We get Normie Osborn returning for the first time since Fresh Start, a welcome return at that as I always love seeing his relationship with Spider-Man acknowledged. Then we get a nightmarish sequence set in Ravencroft with yet more well done continuity porn. John Jameson, veteran of Carnage Mind Bomb, Carnage: It’s a Wonderful Life, Conway’s Carnage run and 90s Ravencroft stories shows up to pay off his appearance in Cult of Carnage earlier this year. Norman Osborn returns in what will hopefully fix the asinine Red Goblin story arc. Spidey and Venom have their backs up against the wall (literally) and facing down Carnage, an army of Carnage infected psychos and Norman Osborn with the Carnage symbiote.

It’s been a very long time since I’ve ended a comic thinking ‘How WILL they get out of this?’

To tie aaaaaaaall this together is Ryan Stegman’s stellar art.

I’ve said it before and I will say it again, Stegman is the best new Spidey artist of the 2010s. He’s Bagley, JRJR, Frenz levels of awesome. He’s also the perfect fit for symbiotes as his art seems to be somewhat influenced by McFarlane co-creator of Venom despite what fucking fools (like RDMacQ) might think. His style here is dynamic, detailed, funny when it needs to be, scary when it needs to be, awe inspiring when it needs to be.

His double page spreads are eye candy and the one depicting the pit of bodies feels straight out of a late night drama. It’s just brilliant.

Never before has there been a Carnage or a symbiote story that’s felt this epic, this ambitious, this sheer mad and audacious in scale.

I can’t wait to read future installments.

Cates in this issue, and his run in general, has somehow managed to recapture the allure of the symbiotes that I think 80s and 90s fans felt when they first fell in love with them.

If you don’t like Carnage or symbiotes inherently I strongly recommend you skip this. If you even vaguely like them though I cannot recommend this enough. 

*Carnage has been making the transition into a horror character for awhile now. Carnage U.S.A., which is recommended reading for this event, felt very similar to a Dark Horse horror comic only with Marvel superheroes. Gerry Conway was explicit about how his Carnage ongoing series was effectively his take on Tomb of Dracula.

[mentally-moderato]

@ao3-user-rezi @homestuckvalentine Hi! I was originally gonna have this span for both a <> and <3 ship for Joey, but a lot of things came up all at once and I’ve only been able to complete the <> one even remotely in time for the exchange. While there’s a bit of quadrant discussion, and Joey does indeed end up with a cute trollcall gf, it’s still a bit of a slower-paced work; I hope you still enjoy it, despite it being late in like literally every sense! Happy late Valentine’s!

((No Ao3 link yet, because I didn’t know that applying for an account there is evidently a literally months-long process lol, but I’ll try to cross-post it there at some available opportunity xD. Here’s the intro, with the full work under the cut!))

“Some say an army of horsemen,

some of footsoldiers, some of ships,

is the fairest thing on the black earth,

but I say it is what one loves.”

“I tell you

someone will remember us

in the future.”

-Troll Anton Chekhov. You are rather sure that that is precisely who said those two things up there. Almost probably definitely.

Andante non troppo

You wake up to a mysterious grumbling sort of roar, and the sounds and smells of, of all things, popcorn! The sun is either just starting to rise or is just about to fully set -- you realise you aren't entirely sure which! Also, do trolls even have an east and west? -- and for sleeping on a beanbag chair in a room that was otherwise empty save for one of those weird troll slime things, you feel pretty good! You know, all things considered. Those miles of rushed travel on deercatback while fleeing from a burning city just hours ago didn't stop being a thing or anything.

You hear the now significantly less mysterious grumble again, and realise something else that didn't stop being a thing was you being STARVING.

You follow your nose and ears and end up in the combo kitchen and dining room, where you see one of the several trolls you'd been rapidly introduced to last night. You...aren't really sure which one this was, exactly, but she's got bull-looking horns and she's holding a metal box by tongs over a flame on the stove top, which explains all the hopefully-actually-popcorn noises and oh hey she's seen you too now.

“Well ain't you up early. Come on and grab a bowl, bet you're real hungry!”

You know who your new favourite troll is. Sorry, Xefros!

She hooks you and herself both up with spoons and a bowl of what you really hope is popcorn, and has you sit down while she pours what you recognise as lusus milk into both bowls. Huh! Whatever, it smells AMAZING. She sits down across from you at the table and starts eating, and you're about to take a bite before you suddenly remember...pretty much all the troll food you saw in Dammek's house. You pause.

Cultural sensitivity sure is hard! You have no idea how to phrase this politely, so you just ask.

“Uh. There aren't any bugs or anything in this, right?”

She looks up at you, down at your bowl, and then her gaze sort of slides up above your head before she looks back at you and shakes her head, smiling.

“Naw,” she says, “Just corn and milk.” She thinks for a moment. “Corn's a kind of plant we've got here, y'see, it's...oh, okay.”

She trails off into silence and resumes eating, because by now you're already halfway done with your bowl, spoon in one hand and a thumbs-up in the other. Being made by the other, whatever. You know what corn is, thank you very much, and while you hadn't really thought to eat it like this before, this is still very easily the best-tasting breakfast you've ever had in your life. And because it's too early and you're too hungry to be sad, you're not even going to examine that statement any further!

You're on your second bowl when you hear a loud thud and the sound of something breaking from some room upstairs.  You jump a little, spoon poised halfway to your mouth, and your current favourite troll startles in her new seat near the window, where she'd been sitting and sort of staring out the window since finishing her own breakfast.

A minute or two later, an exhausted-looking troll with macaroni horns in a black jacket and shorts shuffles in, blinking blearily behind smudged glasses and clutching a notebook under her arm and a bag in one hand that sounds kind of like a windchime when it shifts, if a windchime was made out of broken porcelain and had the disembodied handle of a coffee mug poking out of it. The bag, that is, not the windchime, though you suppose you could work with both. You think you remember her as the one who welcomed you and Xefros in last morning? You were kind of out of it and not really paying too much attention, to be quite honest!

She looks at both of you again, almost looking a little surprised, before she blinks again and says, “Uh. Skylla. Joey Alien. Good evening.” Then she shuffles into the kitchen, grabbing a new mug from a cupboard and starting to fiddle with a machine on the counter after tossing the bag in the garbage can. An item explicitly for storing trash, which is clearly emptied out on a regular basis to help keep everything clean in here! Sorry, the novelty of being in an actually clean house hasn't worn off yet.

“Evenin' Tyzias,” says Skylla in her seat near the window, before she goes back to staring out of it. There's a twig in her hand now that you're not really sure where it came from, but you're not going to bother about that right now.

Although you are going to bother about that greeting. You just now realise that the view outside the window has been getting darker, not brighter. You knew you were tired, but you hadn't expected to literally sleep the entire day away!

And because you're the most eloquent person, you just sort of blurt that idea out.

“Wait, evening? How long was I asleep?”

Tyzias comes back, tossing her notebook onto the table and sitting where Skylla had sat before, across from you. She's got a steaming mug of...something...in her hand.

From which she takes a long slurp from before responding, “Uh, a while? You guys arrived pretty close to sunrise yesterday, you cut it kind of close.”

She opens her notebook and starts flipping through it, stopping somewhere near the middle. You're not sure how to respond to that, so you just take another bite of cereal. When Tyzias looks up next, your confusion must be showing on your face.

“You look confused.” She says. You nod. “Okay, so, trolls are nocturnal because our sun is extremely lethal. Does that make sense?”

Huh. That was surprisingly sensical. You nod again, and were about to say something generally along the lines of 'Hey is there literally anything on this planet that isn't awful and murderous' when Skylla pipes up from her chair, still staring out the window. From the looks of things outside the window, the rest of the city is just starting to kick into action, lights turning on in buildings.

“So what's our plan now?”

Tyzias takes another slurp from her mug.

“Xefros informed me as to what Joey Alien informed him about Tetrach Dammek's and Outglut's, uh, situation.” She says without looking up, taking out a pen from her shirt pocket and starting to write in the book, pen in one hand and mug in the other. “By which I mean him being missing, presumably on an alien planet, and it burning, in that order. So, while we're waiting for everybody else to show up or otherwise report in, we just sort of chill, I guess. We should have another ally properly joining us within the week, at least” Slurp. “And we hope the Heiress doesn't decide she wants another selfie backdrop in the meantime.”

Skylla nods, and continues to silently chew on her twig thing.

You nod, and finish not really silently chewing on your last bite of popcorn cereal thing.

Tyzias sets the mug down, tucks her pen behind her ear, and pulls out a communicator pad from her pocket. Idly, you wonder if she can balance stuff on top of her horns. She taps at it a bit, looking like she's cross-referencing something on it and her notebook.

She says suddenly, “You guys want to go see a show later? Wherein We Find a Waterfowl on a Body of Water...” She trails off a little, glancing at you momentarily before shrugging and continuing, “...is in town. I know someone, I can get us all tickets.”

Skylla shrugs. “I ain't perturbed either way. Never been to a fine art show.”

Something about that title seems to remind you of something, but you can't pin it down. So, you say, “I don't know what that is, but it sounds like fun!”

Tyzias nods. “It's muscular theater, I figured we could show off some fine Alternian culture while we're waiting to overthrow, like, half of it.” Wait what kind of theater was that? But Tyzias continues, and now she's looking right at you. “I mean, if you're gonna be part of our rebellion, you should know the good as well as the loads of bad, right? Gotta take care that you know what you're getting into.”

...is Tyzias a little more blue in the face than she was when she walked in? Like, literally. After a glance at the sign on the button on her jacket, you suppose that that particular phrase might not cross cultural borders especially well! You wouldn't want to accidentally be culturally insensitive, and phrases about colours seem like they might have a little more meaning here than back on Earth. Between that and something about the tone in her voice, you feel a little funny when you agree.

“Great!” She says, standing up faster than you'd seen her move so far. You have no idea what's changed in the room, but it definitely feels different in here! “I'll go set that up, then. You guys, uh, have fun, I'll let you know later tonight about those tickets.” She grabs her notebook and mug, tucking one under her arm and drinking from the other as she walks towards the door.

Whatever's in that mug, though, there is no way that it's breakfast! So you call out to her before she leaves the room entirely.

“Tyzias, aren't you going to get breakfast? You should eat something too!”

She freezes at that, and you're not sure why. She looks over her shoulder at you, and oh okay wow that is a blush when did that happen.

She says, “Uh, I'll eat later, I'll be fine. But, um, thank you for your concern, Joey.” And then she absconds from the room quite quickly indeed.

You're not entirely sure what just happened, and now you're blushing, and now Skylla is looking at you from her chair near the window just sort of smirking.

She sees you looking at her, and her smirk widens before she gives you a slow, solitary thumbs-up.

You have no idea what she's talking about, so you say, “I have no idea what you're talking about,” and then you go about straightening up your bowl and the kitchen and try to not think about pretty aliens you mean how pretty alien this whole planet is, instead choosing to focus on literally anything and everything else. Like how the different steps and shuffles and such mean that Xefros and the others are probably awake.

Your name is JOEY CLAIRE and hahaha, trolls sure are weird, aren't they!

Tempo di valse

Wow you sure like how nicely your hood sits on your head with these fake horns on it. You didn't even get a second glance by the usher handing out programs at the door. And then Tyzias had walked you, Xefros, Skylla, and a troll that had reminded you way too much of Jude for you to want to talk to her quite yet past all the posters in the lobby, where oh. Just. Oh. And so you'd drawn your hood tighter around your head, because you really didn't want to have to see any of that.

You all reach your seats as Xefros finishes explaining that the art is just sort of a highblood thing, and that it's totally normal to think it's weird and gross so long as you don't do it to a highblood's face. He seems pretty blasé about it, but you're pretty sure he's about as red as you are. Personally, while you're not really opposed to seeing nature things be natural, what with the whole vet thing, you didn't think that that would ever mean animals that were quite so...anthropomorphic? You really hope your lusus experiences stay more on the deercat/slothdad side of things. You open the program to read it, and then close it up pretty quickly again after getting overwhelmed by the wall of words that Tyzias informs you is the “real” title of the show, including some madeup-looking words like “moirail” and “kismesis” that seem to show up...a lot. Maybe you'll ask Tyzias about them after the show, she seems like she'd be able to explain.

You look at the curtain on the stage, and get a funny feeling that's entirely unconnected to the lobby posters. You're not sure how to describe it, seeing the curtains sway, the whisper of the show to come.

And then the lights dim, the curtains part to reveal a troll costumed in bright green, and you involuntarily shudder as the unprompted thought appears in your mind that it's going to be a hell of a show.

Evidently “muscular theater” means “dance show”, and you feel an incredulous sort of joy as you realise you're watching troll Swan Lake as the prologue ends, with the troll playing the tragic heroine Odette ending up with a circlet with a huge pearl in the center of it representing the curse, instead of just being turned into a bird. In retrospect, it being troll Swan Lake seems a fairly simple deduction that you could have made, even though you're not sure if there are actually any swans in this production? And then one of the servants in the first scene, played by a surprisingly fluid-moving robot, gets suplexed after knocking over a tray because of course, and you are increasingly sure of your theory that literally everything on this planet is awful and murderous. Even the things that are already awful and murderous! Just sometimes, they're slightly less so.

All things being said, it's still pretty much Swan Lake, only sometimes instead the dances are wrestling matches. Or full-on brawls? And you're increasingly sure that this isn't quite the plot, but you pretty handily decided you're not gonna let that bother you! It's pretty confusing at first trying to keep up with what's actually happening, but the stage lighting and costuming sure help as you piece together that it's not really about Prince Siegfried this time around, but that it's a lot more about Odette and Odile.

At seeing Odile's unexpected appearance in Act 2, accompanied by a sudden burst of wild cheers from the audience, you decide that you might like the troll version better.

“The performer's name is 'Nihkee Moolah'.” Tyzias had leaned down in her seat to whisper to you, tapping a finger beneath a name in the program that's probably the one in question. “She's one of the best performers the role of the Black Murderous Waterfowl has ever seen, holding the position four sweeps and counting, only being challenged once for it. It, uh,...did not end well for her competitor. Rumour has it that she won't stop until she's got the opportunity to perform privately for the Heiress.”

As if to demonstrate the point, the dancer launches herself up into the air and lands on the point of a robotic supporting dancer's spear. You'd heard about dancers having prosthetic legs back on Earth, so it was pretty cool to see!

And then her very-much-not mechanical leg comes down and literally crushes the robot's head beneath her heel, and oh. While you don't feel comfortable cheering loudly, because, y'know, alien, the rest of the audience hoots and hollers at that like they were at a cage match. Nihkee then proceeds to do a number of breathtakingly graceful arabesques on the handle of the spear, before somersaulting off of the haft and aiming an elbow drop vaguely near the troll playing Odette, as the stage lightning shifts to lots of sharp shadows and dark colours, unlike all the soft pinks that had been on stage for Odette and Siegfried's waltz.

As Act 3 continues onwards towards the penultimate conflict, you've picked up the system pretty well, you think. The dark lightning is used more for straight-up fights, which usually features a lot of the actual troll dancers breaking apart robots, which you're pretty sure is meant to be symbolic of the dancers fighting each other directly. Meanwhile, the red and pink scenes tend to look a lot more like what you're used to! Lots of precise, graceful motion, not so much robots exploding. There's a lot more of the dancers actually dancing with each other in those scenes, too, which Tyzias helpfully informs you is significantly more technically demanding for the highblood performers.

“For indigobloods like most of the cast, crushing robots is pretty easy; being able to dance with another troll without crushing them is a lot harder.” She says, and you nod idly as on the stage Nihkee is currently oh-so-delicately waltzing with Troll Prince Siegfried. You actually recognise this scene as pretty similar to the original! Nihkee's character, Odile, has been enchanted by the same wizard that cursed Odette at the start of the play, and is impersonating Odette to deceive Prince Siegfried for magical and romantic purposes. A lot of the choreography in this scene actually parallels the earlier waltz between Siegfried and Odette, too, which you can highly appreciate! But where Siegfried and Odette's dance had been entirely in pink light, ending with a chaste bow and curtsy between them, the dance between Siegfried and Odile here is a lot more...close, and while the light had started the same shade of pink, every few steps it had seemed to get a little redder.

And then you hear Skylla, Xefros, like half of the audience, and most certainly yourself gasp as the music swells, the lighting drops to a kind of dark red that hasn't been used anywhere else in the play, and oh gosh that's a dip-kiss basically right in front of Odette, who'd just sort of arrived at the scene. Dramatic! You sure have a lot of feelings going on about this play, but from the sound of things so do the rest of the audience, so you're mentally chalking that up to you being appropriately appreciative of an alien culture. Cultural appreciation sure is easy!

And then the lighting shifts fully back to the black scheme, Nihkee gracefully twirls over to Odette and dip-kisses her too, low enough that the circlet falls off with a clatter, before dropping her -- you wince, that looked like it stung, even if it was only like a foot off the ground -- and absconding, and then suddenly everybody's basically losing their shit cheering even more. As the curtains close and the house lights go on, you're shocked by the realisation that everybody's cheering because the play's over. ...OK. OK. So, not what you expected. Swan Lake usually ends with the Prince and princess -- the good one, not the evil one working for the evil sorcerer -- getting together, not...well, whatever it was you just saw! But. And now the curtains are opening again for cast bows, so you're clapping and trying to not imagine that Nihkee had glanced your group's direction during her combined solo bow and cartwheel demonstration. You're increasingly confident in your ballap theory, if for no other reason that if ballet, wrestling, and gymnastics can be mixed, then you see no reason why not. Especially when they're combined with such style! Strength and grace, the best of both worlds!

On the way back, the others are all talking excitedly about the play, but you kind of zone out about two seconds into Tyzias going off about the merits of “bloodless performance” and then Troll Jude is talking about the cultural significance of the sorcerer in green at the start, which you can kind of appreciate since he was literally the only character wearing green, but then you zone out again at “lunacracy”. On your part, now you're mostly thinking about the last scene and one of the conversations with Xefros you'd had the other day.

Larghetto elegiaco

“So, Joey. How do you feel after your first encounter with troll culture?”

You're all playing cards now, after dinner. You're slowly getting used to troll food, and even though 99% of it still looks entirely horrifying, that last 1% has been pretty alright so far! Better than eating a bandaged, desiccated body, at any rate, spice mix or not.

Even though the robot destruction felt a little gratuitous at times, you still had fun! So you say, “I had fun! But, uhhh. I think I didn't quite follow the plot? The love triangle wasn't bad, but I'm not sure how the ending was supposed to resolve it? It felt like the play just sort of...stopped.”

There's a bit of silence, and haha the room feels really weird again! You have no idea why the trolls are all staring at you, but it's freaking you out a little bit.

Then Skylla says, kind of softly, “Joey...do you know what a quadrant is?”

You shake your head, and the trolls all just kind of look at each other. And before you know it, the card game's been halted, the cards are being used as visual representations, and you basically have just enough time to wonder if you're going to regret getting into this before they all start talking.

Evidently, troll Swan Lake is considered to have a very satisfactory and happy ending for everybody involved, more or less. Huh! Who'da thunk it. And soon you're getting the gist that trolls are allowed -- “Mandated by Imperial decree, past a certain age.” Tyzias clarifies -- to have multiple, different significant others, but all operating differently. Somehow.

It's Troll Jude -- her actual name's Boldir, you think -- surprisingly, who summarises the weird black one best. “Basically, black feelings are you can see how the other troll can be better, and it really bugs you to see that they aren't, so you try to push them. Keep them on their toes, always getting better, or at least not letting them stagnate. And if it's healthy, they're doing the same back to you. And so both of you are always at your peak, ready to deal with the world.”

And then Xefros chimes in. “But sometimes it can be hard to keep going day after day, which is what a moirail is for! If a kismesis helps you deal with the outside world, a moirail helps you deal with yourself. If it weren't for Tetrarch Dammek, I'd--”

Xefros is cut off by a sudden splutter from Tyzias, who sets down her mug and begins coughing. After a moment, she looks back up, looking from Xefros to you for a moment before gesturing with her hand for the conversation to continue.

It's late by the time they're all done. After talking about how the characters in the play had all represented a relatively complicated quadrant arrangement, the trolls had decided to dig up other stories to help illustrate the concepts more simply. Evidently, the higher up the hemospectrum, the more complicated and nuanced these things are “supposed” to be? Traditionally, anyway, which only highbloods especially care about, but thinking about all the stories you've heard about rich people wedding on Earth, you suppose that makes sense? By the end of it, almost everybody's yawning.

“And speaking of tradition,” Tyzias continues, on her sixth cup of whatever it is she drinks all the time, at which point Skylla gets up and stretches.

“Nope, I'm out. Mornin', y'all.” And she moseys out of the room after giving you a sly look that you're not sure how to interpret. Everybody else is standing up too, now, and you think you hear Boldir mutter something like, “Let's save that lesson for tomorrow, Entykk.” before it's just you and Tyzias and the room.

You're pretty tired, too, now that you think of it. Your head's still spinning a bit from the evening of romantic exposition!

And then Tyzias looks at you for a moment, and says, “Joey? You should go to bed too, didn't you say your species was diurnal? It's been a long night.” She's got that light blush again. And after a moment, everything clicks into place all at once.

...OH.

Now you're blushing. A lot. Because. You're pretty sure this pretty troll wants to friend-date you? If that's how that works? And then Tyzias is blushing a lot more and wow you're really not sure what to make of all of this oh hey she's talking again.

“I, um. Mean that in a...strictly platonic sense. Because, uh, you just got taught a whole bunch of things all at once. So now's probably not a good time to talk about this topic. In particular. I mean. So maybe we should talk about it later?” She pauses and goes to drink from her mug, even though you're pretty sure it's empty. She keeps fidgeting with it in her hands as she talks, though. “And I'd thought you and Xefros, but, evidently not, so.  And you've got an entirely new perspective on things, and you think violence is bad, but you're literally in the middle of a really dangerous rebellion where you don't know what's going on, so...”

And she kind of trails off. You make a decision.

You say, “I guess I'm a little tired, but uh. You can keep going, if you want somebody to talk to right now. Even though I think you should get some sleep too, because I think you sometimes get so busy looking at all the big things that you. Um. Need some help with the smaller things? That's just sort of the impression I'm getting. We could. Maybe go talk about that, if you want?”

And that's how you both end up back in the beanbag chair, where you learn she'd given you her bedroom without even telling you, and she'd apologised for “being crass”, but that was the softest thing she had in the house and she had literally no idea how you'd react to a “recuperacoon” or “sopor”. You learn that the slime-thing recuperacoons are troll beds, and you make her promise that tonight she'll actually go to sleep in hers, instead of working through the day. To which she'd blushed, and agreed.

You told her about missing Earth, and you might have cried a little when she hugged you and said that she was sure Jude was okay, he sounded like he knew how to take care of himself, even by troll standards! She told you that the cornerstone of her new legal theory was that “Nobody needs to die! Especially not just for being born the wrong colour!” and she cried a little when you hugged her and said that that just sounds normal, that there’s nothing crazy-sounding about that at all.

Your name is JOEY CLAIRE, and you think you now have an alien girlfriend.

Rondo

The next evening, Tyzias gently shakes you awake. Her hair's wet from what you're assuming is a shower, and you think that she doesn't look nearly so tired as she has for the past few days.

When she sees that you're awake, Tyzias smiles at you.

“By the way, you'll probably be getting a chance to meet Nihkee in-person in the next week. Her codename with us is 'Luctator', talking with her is actually how I got the tickets in the first place.”

She nods at your ballet shoes as you put them on.

“I think you two might get along well.” And she looks over her glasses at you, still smiling, before she continues.

“Anyway, ready for breakfast?”

"If you say in the first chapter that there is [someone pretty], in the second or third chapter [they] absolutely must [be smooched]. Because, seriously, that isn't too much to ask, right? I guess cuddling and emotional catharsis are fine too though? I guess.”

-Acclaimed historical slam poet Sappho Lesbos

[archonreviews]

The Archon’s Review of E.Y.E: Divine Cybermancy

E.Y.E: Divine Cybermancy is a first-person shooter with role-playing game elements created by Streum On Studio. It is the year 15 of the New Era (About 2395 CE), and the Federation (It’s always, always a fucking federation, isn’t it?) has total and dictatorial control over ~1,200 worlds. However, things are not going well: violent crime and piracy are not only rampant, but absolutely endemic, even expected on most Federation worlds. Strange and terrible creatures known collectively as the Metastreumonic Force have ravaged any world already desolated by human industry. Megacorporations rule pretty much everything. In the midst of this horror and chaos, a shadowy and clandestine group called the Secreta Secretorum has returned to prominence. Once, they were demon hunters and mystics, fighting against the Metastreumonic Force alongside the Federation, but now horrified by its total control over so many worlds, they have decided to rebel against them, using the chaos of looter bands and Force attacks to their advantage. However, things are not going well for the Secreta either. The group is split by factional infighting, as the Culter Dei and the Jian Shang Di groups each struggle for power and influence within the Secreta Secretorum. In this moment, the Culters have made a move to strike at “an influential Jian mentor”. You were assigned to a special task force sent to complete this mission, but you wake up in a cave, amnesiac, and must piece together your past, the plot, your loyalties, etc. As a direct result of your amnesia, people assume you’re stupid because you ask basic questions. Are you stupid? Only one way to find out.

I swear to the heavens that the above splash image is not a Space Marine.

So, another FPS, this one with the RPG mechanics that were really popular with FPS’s for a while.This is one of those games where I seem to have more bad to say about it than good, and yet I end up enjoying it anyway. See also: Shadow the Hedgehog.

So how about that visual aesthetic, eh? Basically, take Warhammer 40k, Shadowrun, Crysis, and whatever other cyberpunk/dystopic sci-fi you wanna think of, toss it all in a blender, and Divine Cybermancy is basically what you get from it. Sadly, while they were busy stealing elements wholesale from wherever they could, they decided that having interesting or multi-colored backgrounds was overrated, and that having interesting and distinct character models was more so. This actually makes it a little bit difficult to determine which enemies have which weapons and abilities. In fact, there are like, 3 character models per faction? Maybe? In addition, the lack of diverse backgrounds makes it a little bit difficult to know where you’ve been before in a level. All in all, while the aesthetic is interesting prima facie, it rather quickly becomes a mass of dull colors and confusing visuals.

Quick, semi-related note: the dialogue translations are a little bit not-the-best. I had originally thought that the game was translated from Russian, but I later read that it was translated by a Frenchman who knew no English at all. So, either this mysterious Frenchman is translating from Russian into English, or from French into English. Either way, the translations are impressive... for someone who speaks no English. Some of them do get really weird later on though, so... eh, we’ll give the translations a C+ and move on, shall we?

Speaking of men, this game is an absolute sausage fest. Like, there are literally no female characters to speak of, except for a particular female enemy type among the aforementioned Metastreumonic Force. I mean, c’mon Streum On Studio, even W40K has the Sisters of Battle, and I’m sure Crysis had a lady or two. Although... almost every character has a full helmet and body armor. So I suppose, they could be women underneath all that armor. But I know for a fact that almost all the main characters are dudes.

Speaking of dudes, the tutorial is rubbish. It’s a basic level through a cave and then a sewer system, and every time a new mechanic comes up, the game will helpfully prompt you to press the T key to bring up the list of tutorial videos. Really sloppy, actually, when you could easily build a tutorial into a game like this. Although, it controls more or less like a standard FPS, so I don’t begrudge it too much, I suppose.

Speaking of grudges, there is no functioning save system. Like, at all. The game supposedly auto-saves your progress at the start of every mission, and also at the mission’s conclusion, but missions can be really long and arduous, and even then, I have encountered at least one glitch (I imagine it’s a rare one), which deleted all my progress and booted me to just after I finished the tutorial level. Without any explanation. Or warning. It was a very trying moment for me. Manly cyberpunk tears were shed.

Speaking of other game elements to pick at, if that exposition up there made no sense to you, don’t worry. It confused they heck out of me as well, but I sorta liked it anyway. Not everyday that you see the the obligatory human Federation as the bad guys. Hell, their footsoldiers are literally the Helghast from Crysis. PEOPLE WHO MADE CRYSIS DON’T SUE THESE PEOPLE, ETC. That said, the plot your character goes through is a bit of a mess, at least, to begin with. You start in a dream, where you learn you’ve killed your mentor, and then you get dropped into the beginner cave, and everyone acts like you should know everything about this world already, but you know nothing, Jon Snow. This results in compounded confusion, especially since the historical archives your allies give you access to only detail the past millennia, not really immediate events. Regardless, I’m sure the plot pans out... somehow.

^(I’m putting thus here only to prove a point about the visual similarities between these enemies and the ones in Crysis. You guys, pleeeeaaaase don’t sue Streum. It’d make me sad.)^

Now, some of the things I’ve described are not without their qualifications. Por exemple, while the visuals are generally dull, are some genuinely impressive shots one can get if they position themselves well. The game is a bit like having a lovely view out your living room window... of a totally urban environment created by someone who subsists on cigarettes and cyber-spite.

^(A vibrant, dystopic paradise...

... the halls of power in an ancient temple...

... and choice monster ass. What more could you ask for?)^

Even all that is dressing and crust for the moment-to-moment gameplay. And that gameplay is actually quite entertaining! It facilitates a variety of gameplay styles. You wanna be a cold sniper, casually making headshots against gormless assholes? Go for it! Wanna be a psy-wizard? Do it! Tech-berserker? The world is yours! Hacker extraordinaire? Enemies are hackable; hack ‘em all! Each of those gameplay styles is not only viable, but entertaining as fuuuuuuuuck. Getting regular headshots made me feel like a Shinigami, and when I was done with that character and wanted something more hands-on; well, let’s just say the transmutation of monsters into monster corpses was made all the more enjoyable with the aid of my exploding sword.

The RPG elements work well enough, and are pretty bog-standard. You get experience points for killing enemies and completing missions, and every time you get enough, you gain a level, giving you 3 skill points to distribute among your many abilities. In addition, you can equip a number of items, each of which take up a certain amount of space in your inventory. These items and your armor determine, along with your agility stat, your movement speed.

^(My tank character’s sheet. Stats on the right, derivatives on the left.)^

You may also invest in cybernetics which increase your stats or give you special abilities, or in psionic powers which are essentially magical. Each of these cost mone -- Oh, I’m sorry, brouzoufs -- and while they seem really cool, I often found that my first brouzoufs went into research. Oh yeah, you can research things in this game. These researches can grant you the use of new items, or improve your stats, or merely unlock new research topics. Really, there’s a lot to spend your resources on, whether it’s skill points or brouzoufs.

Nəticədə, I had a hard time with this game. I loved the pizza that was the gameplay, but not as much the toppings that were the ancillary bits. I’d recommend it to very patient sci-fi/cyberpunk fans, mostly. If you’re patient with the game’s faults, the game will prove quite an enjoyable experience. I would only return to playing it if I had a lot more time on my hands, honestly.

^(Of course, the best thing about the game are these friends.)^

[zyandahl]

Argus, the Giant Distraction in the Sky:

There’s a great big fucking planet in the sky and everybody’s losing their Light damned minds over it, which works great for Nae.

There are names on the List that hide well in plain sight, where she can’t stab them to death without being seen and caught and locked up. The highers up, the ones who think they’re invulnerable because they have money or social standing. But right now, all eyes are on the sky, and there is no ‘plain sight’.

“Please stay inside,” Dahl had said, “Please don’t go out,” he’d practically begged, “Please, please,” but this is perfect and she can’t let the opportunity escape. It’s only going to last for a few days, and she’s got names to check off. She’s got the List.

She’ll do any damn thing Dahl needs, but this isn’t him needing something; this is him being a worrier. She’ll be fine so his worry is pointless, and this is perfect. It’s too perfect to ignore, even to calm her stressed out twin.

---

Alteron Lightshield.

First hit is a father in Silvermoon, whose daughter really wants daddy’s money. Nae nicks him with a poisoned needle in a crowded street, and waits for him to fall before she climbs in through Greedy Daughter’s window.

“He’s dead, pay up.”

Greedy Daughter is shocked to see her, which isn’t so surprising. After all, it’s been a few months since Nae took the job. Greedy Daughter looks like she’s been crying. “What? Now?” Greedy Daughter wails, and Nae doesn’t know whether ‘Now?” means ‘You want me to pay you immediately?’ or ‘Of all times, you killed him now?’ but Nae doesn’t like Greedy Daughter’s tone.

“Pay up now, or I’ll kill you too.”

Greedy Daughter starts crying again, but Nae gets paid, so she doesn’t care.

First name on the List only took an hour.

She crosses ‘Alteron Lightshield’ off the List, and his name ceases to matter to her.

---

Caa'thas Emberfall.

Second hit is the asshole who decided Dahl couldn’t return to Silvermoon. Ten minutes of watching him from the shadows tells her that he’s more paranoid than ever when he’s scared of demon invasions, and it’ll be a waste of time to bother with him now.

He stays on the list.

She moves on.

---

Anchorite Elisaar.

Third hit is a previous client from Shattrath who refused to pay her, and tried to have her thrown in jail. Nae stabs her in the throat in Deliverance Point while her private guards are busy trying to gather information about the giant hell planet in the sky from Wardens and footsoldiers alike, who don’t know anything either.

---

Hor’Thak Goremaw.

Vindicator Brenuun.

Kixold Grapplesnipe.

---

Witch Doctor Tayooja stays on the list, and Nae comes out of that encounter scorched and pissed off.

---

There’s no need to waste an item on a portal when there’s a mage right over there, looking up at the sky with renewed horror. Everywhere Nae goes it’s the same, heads up, mouths open, eyes on the demon planet like it hasn’t been there for a while now. Whole flocks of people like turkeys in the rain.

It’s been two days-- doesn’t the novelty ever wear off for these people? She gets it, it’s big and ugly and demonic and new, but you’ve got to get over it at some point and move on with your lives, right? It’s been at least thirty hours. Get over it already.

She darts over behind the mage and grabs him by the sleeve, pasting on the most distraught face she can muster, and whining, “Please, sir, you’re a mage, aren’t you? Please, can you send me to Dalaran?”

He looks at her, trying to pull away. She clasps tighter and starts tugging him with her, walking backwards into an alley.

“Wh-- What are you talking about?”

“A portal!” she whines again, “Please, sir, with Argus in the sky I need to check on my family!” That sounds sufficiently distressed to garner sympathy, right?

She knows she’s not the best actor. She can’t just imagine what she’d feel like if she were separated from Dahl, knowing he were scared somewhere else in the world without her there to comfort him, and apply that feeling to her behavior. That concept doesn’t make her sad and scared and pitiable, it makes her furious and itch to draw her daggers, to stab whoever’s in front of her until she gets her way.

The mage tries to pull away again, confusion and something like indignant self importance rising on his face, and she sighs.

Taking too long.

Fuck this.

He yelps when she slices into the flesh of his arm through his sleeve, then stares down at the flow of blood with mounting horror. A low whine escapes him.

“I just poisoned you,” she says, waving her dagger in his face now that they’re hidden by shadows in the entrance to the alleyway.

No one can see us, she thinks, hard. No one notices this.

And no one does.

“Wh--” the mage whines, voice cracking, grabbing at his arm and holding it tight to slow the blood that wells up between his fingers. “Why?! Why would you--”

“Shut up,” she snaps, “Feel that quickened heartbeat? Sweating, trembling, shortness of breath?” She rattles off generic symptoms of fear, the kind pretty much anybody would have when a stranger stabs them in an alleyway.

He nods, though, oblivious, horror and fear obvious in his eyes.

“That means you’re going to die in a couple minutes without an antidote,” she says, and doesn’t bother stopping the pleased grin from curling her mouth. She’s not going to waste a fucking Mogu poison on somebody she’s not actually trying to kill, and with how gullible everybody gets the second you stab them, she doesn’t need to. “Open me a fucking portal and I’ll give you the antidote.”

He’s shaking so badly it takes him a couple tries, while she impatiently taps her foot and flicks away some dried blood from under her fingernails. When it’s up and looks stable-- and she grew up with Dahl so she knows what a portal looks like when it’s stable-- she pulls a small vial out of her bag. It’s just water, but he doesn’t know that, and when he doesn’t die in a few minutes he’ll be doubly convinced it was a real antidote.

She tosses it to him as she hops through, and steps out into Dalaran. She’s not supposed to be in this city, but with Argus in the sky nobody’s likely to notice or care.

Time to get back to work.

She looks down at the List and her grin widens to something gleeful and cruel. A woman walking by sees her face and walks faster, giving her a wide berth.

Prewitt Hallowell Langdon.

She’s been waiting for this one.

[mercurygray]

TURN 4.7 and 4.8

4.7 I really only cared about 10% of this episode, so I didn’t bother trying to write anything about it.

4.8, on the other hand...

[spoilers below cut]

I just recently learned that that tinnitus, that high pitched ringing, often happens to people under extreme stress - and not just auditory stress either.

Urban battle in the Rev War is not something you see too often. This looks like a scene out of out Band of Brothers with the wrong guns and the wrong uniforms. And this is really crowded. And why is Arnold so close to the rear? This feels wrong.

Ah, yes, General Wayne is back. Shit is about to get done. Or...not done. MY BOY! My god, command looks good on him. And do I detect he’s learned a little bit about negotiation? Regardless. Command looks good on him.

"The turn-coat." You could cut glass on that voice. But 5000 guineas?! George, where are you going to get that kind of cash?

"You need to get him. You need to get him now." Mary, I'm not sure you know how armies work. We just can't march in there with a sick note. But you can just see the wheels moving on Mary's face when they're talking about Caleb.

Why...are you dumping all that perfectly good powder in the river? Ah, yes, because we can't move it...because Arnold is on the take. Oh, this is rich. This is so rich.

"Rest? Is that John Graves Simcoe came through the door?" For once, I actually agree with Arnold. Since when has Simcoe believed in R&R?

"I came here to fight, not to loot." And here we have yet another one of Simcoe's odd moral moments.

"And I can burn this coat." I love John Champe. There, I said it.

What in God's good name are you doing to that goose, Caleb? And can you please stop before you lose a finger? "Careful, you'll cut yourself." Mary's got the right idea. On so many levels.

...I honest to goodness think that was one of my favorite scenes in the whole series. The lighting, the acting, the script. Mary and Caleb bromance for the win.

"Can I get one of those?" And now we have a liability. And an idiot, it seems. Oh, Joe Sturridge. We hardly knew ye.

HERCULES MULLIGAN. And Cato! A SIGNAL BOOK?! Oh, my god, Rob, flag hoists are essential in a naval battle. But this is like throwing yourself on a grenade here.

"Those two deserve each other." Heaven save us from Cornwallis and his biting wit. If I didn’t have to root against him I might actually like him.

Fort Slongo? That's a name? Apparently it is - and totally a real place where Ben Tallmadge had a raid.

"And you are making yours out of vanity!" "You will amend yourself." SHOTS FIRED.

I love that there's all this talk about honor and cowardice and here's Arnold, taking all his stuff and getting the heck out of Dodge. Rich.

And while we're on the subject of shots fired - This isn't a battle, it's a siege.

This is the worst game of Marco Polo ever. COME ON, CALEB. YOU CAN DO IT, BUDDY.

Wow, that was a fall. Leave him, Abe. Just leave him. Take the money and run.

He's in SHOCK? Is that even a thing yet? Buddy, I don't think that's going to be a thing for at least one more major war. (Research shows apparently it is - circa a French medical treatise in 1743, but was still not quite understood or studied even by the time of the Civil War. Anyway, I doubt a footsoldier would know the term. And the way I'm reading this refers to 'the shock' of being wounded - not quite the way it's used in the show as we would use it today to indicate a sudden drop in blood pressure, body temperature, et cetera....Ahem -  right, moving on.)

...Rob, have you ever set type before? And you're just going to go in there and pull type out? Oh, shit.

Mary, Mary, Mary. She's a sly one and no mistake.

The boat! L'Hermione!  I don't speak too much French, but 'Deposez votres armes' means put your gun down, Abe.

 Ooooh, I love a tall ship. Almost as much as I love a tall prickly French Major General. (Gilbert! So tall! This whole episode has been a study in "Abe Woodhull is a total shorty.")

And now he’s in a brig on a French ship and Yorktown is looming.

[ripetersi-blog]

Abbacchio is the local goth mom of the team.

               ooc; —— this was going to bother me if i don’t answer it so i guess i have to: in short, no. no, and it’s a gross mischaracterization that plays exactly into how much fanon is … wrong. long answer, well:                  i’ll break this into pieces: goth is a music-based subculture that grew out of post-punk and evolved into a broader spectrum of fashion and general aesthetic. then, you break that down in to further subcategories which i won’t go into because, admittedly, i don’t know too much about all of them and they’re not really relevant to this conversation. but at the heart of it is this: goth is a music subculture before an aesthetic one, and, from what i can gather, a surprisingly elite one at that. at least in recent years, especially with the rise of goth bloggers, there’s a lot of picking apart who is or is not a ‘true goth,’ which for some people is destroying the subculture itself. anyway, i’m not getting into that bit right now. the early 2000′s when va takes place was around the time when goth was getting more popular, mostly with the rise in mall goths, which were mostly just people going through a phase rather than committing, which is why they’re usually hated by legitimate goths. this was the beginning of the current time, when you have to really commit to be taken seriously by a lot of veteran goths. point of this: you have to commit.                    point a) abbacchio isn’t a goth. it’s aesthetic most people point to with this comment, to which i have a counter: his style isn’t based on goths. it’s most likely based off of this tom ford for gucci ensemble from 1996. when it comes to the makeup especially, i really like to think that it’s araki’s stepping stone into putting his masculine characters in makeup regularly. it’s aesthetically pleasing, as well, and i don’t doubt this is a huge factor. when it comes to music, as well: while the romantic subset of goths tend to enjoy classical and baroque styles of music ( abbacchio’s favorite musician is canonically the composer claudio monteverdi, ) he doesn’t fit the rest of the accepted traits of the subgroup: he shows too much skin for the style; lacks the stereotyped creativity, emotional sensitivity, and dreaminess associated with it; and prefers dark, modern dramas ( again, his favorite movie is canonically sling blade, ) to gothic or classic lit. if anything, he’s more fitting into no subculture than a subculture of his time; i joke frequently that he’s way more of a hipster at heart than a true goth.                   point b) literally any time someone refers to either buccellati or abbacchio as maternal figures ( or even paternal! ) i cringe a bit. with abbacchio especially, really, because it’s so severe of a mischaracterization that it’s a bit painful. you have to look at the way he acts around the rest of the gang. all-in-all, he’s got more of the harsh teasing and general demeanor of an older brother figure, especially one that’s several years older, as he is. he’s sarcastic, mostly, responding to mista’s grand solution of ‘meat eaters all taste bad if you eat them’ with ‘that’s fascinating’ and to narancia and fugo’s argument as ‘that’s none of my business.’ he’ll curse out narancia, who he gets along with very well, but not really mean it. he’ll be authoritative, but only if he has to be. it’s not maternal, and it’s not really paternal, either. it’s fraternal. they’re a shitty family, but the younger members are more like shitty little siblings, except fugo, ( and later, giorno, ) whom abbacchio doesn’t really like too much. plus, it’s a good play on the phrase ‘brothers in arms,’ especially considering their official title is footsoldier.                           anyway, yeah, this got really long but i consider those two misconceptions up there with the piss jokes with ‘do not mention this to me unless we are close and it’s the right context because i’ll go the fuck off.’ abbacchio’s an extremely complex character with a complete story arc without having a big part even as a minor protagonist, but because of the issues with vento aureo, it’s been very easy to simplify and misconstrue this into this. fanon disaster we see usually. 

[kendrixtermina]

So I found a walkthrough of “The Phantom Fable” and its reaction time

But don’t take my word for it click here to form your own opinion and thank the hero that made this possible

I like how connie has no patience for the townies.

It also has just a lil bit of plot like lore about the various magitech artifacts (It's interesting that gems from Peridot's generation aren't really that familiar with them anymore) and Steven is still recognizeably in his season 4 slump. Also even though the book is supposed to be super old there's a lot of those triangular sigils around - is the book so old that it's from before PD came to be?

arcane acropolis

Really excited about the potential for lore speculation from these new locations! So they were researching magic in this place! It does look like your archetypical mage tower with all the bookshelves and aqueducts though the apocalyptic log on the computer says "mad science", and it seems like some mage gem went behind the Diamonds' backs because even they thought this was too dangerous. One always wonders how the weird magic artifacts from the early seasons fits into the greater canon. 

Video games tend to be good at this "environment-based storytelling" but this is actually presented pretty well in a sorta melancholy haunting manner between the BGs, the music, the "ghost" of that unfortunate Pearl, various scattered hints that only sort of form a whole. Perhaps the uppity mage gem was Lonely Pearl's master.... 

...

OUCH from what I'd read it seems like they just "forgot" her/ didn't care enough to go back for her before the corruption attack but this seems like a way more complex story, like more of an individual act of cruelty/ deliberate punishment. 

The mage gem deliberately "forgot" her while leaving the outpost, but it was HER who betrayed the empire. The mage gem was deliberately cruel, too, telling her that she would be coming back. 

Lonely Pearl was basically being an upstanding citizen, reporting foul play to the Diamonds. 

That is, if they even had the right "traitor" at all. Did they just assume it was her because of something like a “gossip hen” stereotype?

But from how she acts she seems pretty devoted like her master was her whole world - maybe they got the wrong traitor and she was innocent all along. Or she tattled because she was concerned about her master's own safety. In any case they really done her dirty

In any case I’m not even sure this took place on Earth. Did she just go nuts/feral all by herself? If so this is the first time we’ve seen that, seems like it was more some recording of wherever the magic book was made. Was this a recording? Is the real her still trapped out there or did the book absorb her out of pity? Where is she now if she’s anywhere at all? Or was it all an illusion?

It’s a nice Detail that it couldn’t capture Steven and Connie because, as Lapis and Peridot theorize, it doesn’t know how to ‘categorize’ them. 

The taglines for the GUYS and GALS were genuinely funny IMHO

Buried Bastion

The Ruby Squad!

Though I do not quite get what Steven and Garnet are theorizing there.

Is it ‘our’ Rubies but in the past? Them inserted into some older memory of CG Ruby being deployed somewhere?Gah I love trippy stuff but you gotta give me a hint so I can work it out

It does seem to be earth tho. The desert too. Come to think of it, were the structures in the desert Pink Diamond’s former palace? Since she parked her ship there and was lurking around there without telling the others. Eyeball DID use to be part of her guard. 

If this all takes place on Earth this means Lonely Pearl is either still at the research facility or in the bubble room/ set to beuncorrupted. 

The rest of the squad was Era II tho none of them had really heard of PDs shattering, Leggy was implied to be fresh from the ground. (Which implies that both Rebel Ruby and Eyeball are in fact relatively old for Rubies. As footsoldiers it figures that they’d have one of the higher attrition rates)

And as usual their lines are comedic gold and full of personality Sand in my shorts lol

Perhaps in reality it was actually eyeball, but with a different squad of Rubies that are now long dead. 

Maybe i’s an erised/ Xion type situation. Steven sees the Ruby Squad, Garnet might be seeing CG Ruby’s old comrades. 

In any case they seem to be guarding an artifact - presumably the book - so it “wont fall into rebel hands”. Interesting. 

This whole level has a very zeldaesque feel to it, there’s even pots to smash! I suppose the first one could then be likened to final fantasy. 

No wait that’s the era II sigil. So this here is definitely late in the war.

“Glyph of Illusion”, hm? So now the trippyness shall become interactive

The broken computers make me so angry. I want more apocalyptic logs damnit

YEAH Late war, the screes show fusion experiments and its full of those tubes they emerged from. 

And they found some magic bombs, too

Ohhhh boy, it WAS the fusion experiment lab. We know what it actually looks like now. Also was it just implied that they started with living dearth row inmates? Ouch. 

UGH there’s bits of uncessesful specimens all over. 

Note that there’s those red, vein-like “powerlines”, but they look more like the ones in the temple than the ones seen in various Era II structures

So they were sent to gather the last remaining research data and leave not witnesses - I mean clearly the Rebels never found out until Peridots arrival

Too bad we won’t know which of them said which of the Megaruby’s lines

In the end our heroes are not sure how much of this was real - but we all know there were fusion experiments. Maybe even the book only knew so much

Interim

Kinda curious where Amethyst has gotten to. Since we did both the distant past and the middle of the war. The sequence breaking in the forest and the beach is also kinda interesting.

Mysterious pillar saying “avoid the light”. Fascinating.

is that a nest full of donuts?

Aww you can find the hidingplace of onions friends in the forest

whoha its just like that one temple in breath of the wild!

Lost Labhyrinth

Looks like somewhere cold. There’s some random Quartzes but otherwise not much plot here. It’s like they ran out of ideas

ooo exit holes... in ice? Okey I possibly take that back plot might be forthcoming

I like the common theme that for each level the first half was named something vaguely mystical as it might look to an outside observer, and then the second bit is a crisp, spartan designation once the MCs figure out what it is. The duality of man gemkind, I suppose, though they really are kinda spartan as whole at least the mainstream/monarchist faction. 

Figures that there would be more kindergartens than just the two since we haven’t seen he one where the earth-grown Rose Quartes came from. Since this is delta that one must’ve been Gamma. Might not even exist anymore. 

That would mean there were four. One orange, one purple, one pastel, and one for the actual!rose quartzes. 

There’s a mean Jasper but it’s not OUR mean Jasper. Why are eye gems all.. like that?

Ahhh I see. They’re hunting a group of off-colors. Possibly rebellious off-colors. 

“You’ve sucessfully rescued all my Crsystal gem sidekicks” I can’t even

But of course they were only distracting us until the antagonist finally shows themselves and inevitably napps greg

yet more sequence breaking then

Interesting that you get the white sigil pieces in beach city

Final Dungeon

whats this zerg slime? re we doing starcraft now

though i suppose its also a tad like the blight ganons from breath of the wild where you had to shoot the eye

the musics also getting interesting

so its motive rant o clock. Coool voice, too

this is indeed getting breath of the wild-y. the korok forest anyone?

So far I was thinking that maybe the book spirit, excuse me, Fable, decided to record shameful occurences or maybe parts of gem history that were not so great aside from just recording the glory, perhaps even out of sympathy/emphasizing with the outcasts but as of now it seems more like she’s simply lonely

Poor Steven, it was mindfuckey how she offered to let him see his dead mom. He sorta feels pretty ambiguous about her so he’d probably be more frighteed by that prospect, but I’d say this would have worked on many a Standard Protagonist, like if this were Harry Potter or Shinji Ikari? napped.

Book-ception?! Fairly typical twist at this point but it would’ve been a waste not to do it. So they were napped after all, and put with all the humans in beach city

It’s interesting that she perceives Steven as “being unable to resist an adventure” but framed more in terms of the thrill than just chronic-hero-syndrome.

Now we are getting bullethell-sy for the final battle. Even the music is vaguely undertale-ish. i mean with how you have to get the one green bomb to defeat her that does kinda seem deliberate

So he talked her down of course, by promising to tell her some less awful stories for a change. 

And she winds up as Steven’s diary because of course

Nice enough from a design standpoint I guess cant realistically expect more than this from a spinoff game