#and I’ve tried finding it out in the wilds of google search results

[sincerely-sofie]

Does anyone know what level Grovyle’s IQ is in PMD2? I need to know. For reasons.

[most-tragic-character-tournament]

So,

What a wild ride, everybody.

This tournament went live on July 13th, 3023, and concluded January 1st, 2024. For a long time before, I’d been wondering if I should try my hand at running one of these tournaments, and then I realized we hadn’t had a general tumblr-wide one for tragic characters. I knew that I didn’t know what I was getting myself into, but I decided to bite the bullet and take the URL. The rest is history.

I didn’t have a set plan, but I figured I could take 128 entries. And then in less than a week and a half, I had ~122. And honestly, I wasn’t happy continuing with just those I’d gotten so far, and thought it’d be unfair if it closed that quickly without warning, so I decided to up it to 256 with a max 2 characters per canon after preliminaries. Only after that did I go on a mad search to find brackets that were big enough for that, and I’d almost given up before I finally found these:

Those are all the characters that made it past prelims and into the competition. Some quite unexpected results came out of these matchups, round after round, and honestly I’d consider the first round to have had the most brutal competitions, because I had tried to do the best I could to match levels of popularity with each other, as far as I could tell. (Yeah, that’s why we had c!Tommy v Jon Sims and Primrose v Jinx.). But even eclipsing all of those, as the weeks went on, we were eventually met with Antigone versus Lloyd Garmadon. Ah, those crazy kids.

At some points it was stressful, in the early rounds when I had dozens of posts, each with edited images and alt text, to prepare for every round, but I never regretted starting this. As of posting, this blog has 2,020 followers and has made over 1,000 posts. This will be the last post on this blog—any future asks I receive I will answer privately back to the asker, or cannot be answered if they are anon—but it will always remain here for posterity. The link below is to the similarly-preserved google sheet compiling every word of every submission this tournament ever received.

I’d like to take this chance to say thank you to everyone who submitted characters, supplied photos, sent in propaganda, reblogged the polls, indoctrinated their teachers into greeklitsweep, and everyone who kept good sportsmanship when their blorbos proved so tragic they couldn’t even win. Thank you to the small group of URLs whom I’ve consistently recognized in my inbox from submissions all the way to finals, thank you for letting me know when a name was messed up, and thank you for your patience in-between rounds. (Shoutout to @elemom as well for having their tiktok on the original antigone/lloyd poll blow up.)

If you’ve stumbled upon this blog weeks, months, or even years after this was posted, I would direct your attention to the tag map in the pinned post to sift through the tumblr history you’ve just uncovered. And I would also be tempted to point at the big sign next to it reciting the nuclear zone warning poem. Lastly, if anyone here or there wishes to talk to me about anything regarding the tournament, you’re welcome to DM @twilight-skies.

There were times when I said to myself this was a one-and-done thing—I was NOT dealing with this again, but….keep a look on the horizon, ya never know.

But until next time, it’s been amazing.

Sayonara you weeaboo shits.

[ginalinettiofficial]

hey quick question has anyone figured out a search engine that ACTUALLY WORKS?????? now that google is fucking useless?????

particularly for images. i’m so done w their image search. it used to be that you type in a word, hit “search”, and you see essentially all the images that ever existed in that word. i’ve recently discovered that google (and from what i can tell, most other search engines too?) won’t show any results from webpages that are no longer active which is just WILD to me idk like i’m trying to search for images of a specific print from this one brand that’s discontinued and i can’t find ANY of the old advertising photos they used for it because it’s not actively being sold on their website???? that feels wrong???? feels like something that very much so was photographed and had those photographs shared on the internet should still exist on the internet for me to find???? literally it doesn’t even bring up like instagram results with those images even though i know for a fact the brand hasn’t deleted their old posts about those prints. so like. what the fuck.

i also tried bing, yahoo, and duckduckgo and got all the exact same search results. this is happening ALL THE TIME and it’s driving me crazy. like i don’t think it’s wild for me to want to see photos that were posted and shared widely last year?????????

anyways. if anyone knows how to FIX THIS (is there something in my settings that’s screwed up??? i’ve tried looking but cannot find anything!!!) or knows of a good alternative search engine that actually searches and finds past stuff PLEASE let me know cuz this is just so frustrating

[no-stabbing-wednesdays]

The Conspiracy Job

I made a post about the “Eliot’s semi-famous identities” conspiracy here and @what---i-dated-a wanted a fic, which got my muse going. So, here it is, and also on AO3

An amazing version of the same concept by @copperbadge was linked in the notes and I recommend you all read that too! The Job Interview Job

The Conspiracy Job

“Oh, not again!”

The others, busy drawing up plans for their latest con, looked over at Hardison. 

“What is it?” Sophie asked.

He brought his display up on the large screen at the front of the room. 

“Someone’s just searched a bunch of Eliot’s old aliases, all at the same time.”

Parker frowned as she looked at the screen. “That doesn’t sound good.”

Eliot was on his feet immediately, concern clear on his face.

“Who is it? CIA? FBI? KGB? Mossad?”

“Give me a second,” Hardison said. “No, I don’t think so. They’re not being flagged on any databases. Someone’s just googling them.”

Eliot relaxed slightly and rolled his eyes. “It’s not those damn conspiracy forums, is it? I thought you got rid of those.”

“I did! They haven’t posted anything, they’re just looking. Oh, they’re here in Portland.”

Eliot tensed again at that, but Hardison shook his head.

“Relax, man. It’s a family house; a couple of dentists and a fifteen year old. If they post anything I’ll take it down, nothing to worry about.”

On the other side of Portland, Julia stepped into her friend Marcie’s bedroom and her eyes widened as she took in the scene before her. Marcie was connecting red threads between grainy, printed-out images on her corkboard and empty bottles of Gatorade littered the desk.

“You have to cool it with this, dude.”

Marcie turned to face her, her hair a mess and her eyes red from lack of sleep, and Julia sighed.

“You look like freaking Charlie Kelly!”

“There’s something here, Jules. I’m sure of it.”

“It’s a couple of athletes and a singer who happen to look similar. It’s hardly the scoop of the century.”

“Look similar? Look similar? Julia, they are completely identical! There are exactly three possibilities.” She held up three fingers in her friend’s face as she counted them off. “Triplets, clones or one ridiculously talented guy.”

“Okaaay, and which one do you think it is?”

“I don’t know,” Marcie answered, turning back to her board. “Triplets? Why would they have different names and hide it? One guy? He’d have to be able to sing and play guitar, baseball and hockey. Why wouldn’t you own up to having that kind of talent? Why go to different places with different names? Clones? I’m leaning clones.”

“Clones? Come on, Marcie.” 

“It’s the most logical explanation.”

“You think someone cloned a human being just to create a one-hit-wonder country singer and some short lived athletes?”

Marcie shrugged. “It could be a trial run or an experiment or something. And you remember that anything I ever said on the forums would mysteriously vanish? I went to look after Jacques Labert turned up and every single forum post was gone! Every one! Doesn’t that sound like a government conspiracy to you?”

“It’s weird,” Julia admitted. “But I think you might be taking this a little too far. If the government were making clones, why would they let them get famous so people could discover it?”

“But they weren’t that famous. Think about it, what were the chances that someone would connect them? There were only ever a couple of us posting on the forums. If I hadn’t happened to be visiting my uncle in Palmerston when Roy Chappell was playing and then gone to Saddle and Spurs for my birthday, I’d never have known.” 

Her eyes widened as a horrifying thought occurred to her . “Then Jacques Labert turned up in my city! What if I’m the connection?”

She swung back to the board and began to write her own name. Julia grabbed her hand.

“Marcie! You’re not the center of a government conspiracy! Besides, who’s this fourth guy again?” She asked, tapping one of the photos in the corner. “You didn’t have anything to do with him, did you?”

“No,” Marcie conceded. “And I told you about him, remember? He’s an animal rights activist who was on the news in San Lorenzo a couple of years ago, talking about dog fights in the Presidential Palace. And he’s Canadian. That’s why it’s so exciting that, after almost two years of nothing new, Jacques Labert, Canadian hockey player, suddenly appears. Was the guy on the news Jacques Labert? If there really is more than one of them in the first place!”

Julia grimaced, increasingly worried about Marcie’s obsession with this wild conspiracy. “He was on the news where?”

“San Lorenzo. It’s this tiny European country. Here look.” Marcie sat at her desk, tapped the name into Google and turned her laptop towards Julia. 

Julia scrolled through a few pictures of the idyllic Mediterranean island, then stopped suddenly and pointed at one of them. 

“Wait, who’s that?”

“Oh, that’s Rebecca Ibañez. It’s a tragic story,” Marcie explained, as she clicked on the link and showed her some clearer pictures. “A couple of years ago, the same time maybe-Jacques Labert was there, there was an election and her fiancé won. But, just as the results were announced, supporters of the former president tried to assassinate him and Rebecca stepped in front and took the bullet for him.”

“She was assassinated?”

“Yes, isn’t it awful?”

Julia shook her head. “She can’t have been.”

“What?”

“She’s my brother Zachary’s acting teacher.”

“What?”

“Yeah, I went to see his play last week and I met her. Her name’s Sophie Devereaux and she’s definitely not dead.”

Marcie looked at her in amazement, a grin breaking out across her face . “And she was in San Lorenzo at the same time as Jacques-Roy-Kenneth! There might be even more to this than I thought!”

Julia, almost as invested as Marcie now that her brother’s odd director was mixed up in this, pulled up a chair and looked on excitedly as her friend brought up another google search. 

Back at the Brewpub, the crew were working out the kinks in their plan while waiting for any sign of the internet sleuth trying to share their ideas about Eliot’s multiple identities.

When the computer pinged again, they all turned to see which of his aliases had been flagged this time, only for their eyes to widen in horror as the search term flashed on the screen.

“Rebecca Ibañez” “Sophie Devereaux”

Sophie gave a gasp that almost turned into a choke. “Wha- wha- what?”

Eliot turned to Hardison, furious. “Oh sure, just dentists and a teenager! Fix. This.”

“I’m trying!” Hardison said. “I can’t find any connections to anything. They look clean.”

“Then look harder!”

Wait, I have something. It’s the kid’s computer.”

“Who’s the kid?” Nate asked.

Hardison pulled up a Facebook page. “Marcie Taylor. She’s a sophomore. She used to post on those stupid Eliot forums that I had to take down every week after Memphis. It was pretty harmless, but I’ve no idea why she’s suddenly looking at Sophie’s aliases.”

He scrolled down the page looking for any kind of hint, when Sophie called out to him to stop.

“Who’s that with her? She looks familiar.”

A few more clicks and Hardison had a name.

“Julia Gutmann. She’s in the same class.”

Gutmann?” Sophie groaned. “I know why she’s familiar. That’s Zachary’s little sister.”

“Zachary? Your acting student Zachary?” Nate asked disbelievingly.

“Yes, she came to our play last week.”

Nate shook his head. “I told you to use an alias at that theater.”

“But I wanted to do this as me,” Sophie protested.

Eliot turned back to Hardison. “So, let me get this straight. The aliases and digital trail that you set up to be uncrackable by international governmental organizations are about to be blown apart by a couple of high schoolers?”

Hardison glowered at him. “They’re only looking at old aliases and they were all burnt when we had to leave Boston anyway. It’s not that bad.”

“Sophie’s still using Sophie,” Eliot argued, nearly yelling now. “And I was only just Jacques Labert and in this city. Now they’ve tied me and her together. How did they even do that? That’s way more than some fifteen year old girls should be able to accomplish on Google.”

“Okay, okay. Don’t panic. They were looking at photos of San Lorenzo. That’s how they found a picture of Sophie."

Sophie glared at him.

"Hey!" he protested. "You're the one who jumped in front of the cameras! I can't control the entire internet you know, and I think the people of San Lorenzo would have noticed if every image of their martyred heroine suddenly vanished.

“It’s just bad luck that Julia had met you. But why were they looking at…” Hardison groaned. “They found that video of Eliot and the puppy somehow.”

“Why didn’t you take that down?” Eliot snapped.

“It’s a thirty second feature on the news from two years ago in a country smaller than Iceland! It wasn’t my top priority!”

“Dammit, Hardison!”

“So, our cover’s going to get blown by kids?” Parker asked, incredulously. 

“No,” Nate insisted. “Well, maybe. But we can manage this. Hardison, don't let them post anything. Sophie, call Zachary. Let’s go steal ourselves some silence.”

[kagrenacs]

Explaining the Iceberg #4

I covered most things in this, but not everything. Every previous post I’ve made describing the tes iceberg I found on google image search can be found here x

Lorkhan’s purposeful failure: Lorkhan was the first spirit to go beyond the universe to see the tower, but didn’t achieve CHIM. He likely did this on purpose to show others how not to do it, and to demonstrate that it was difficult for et’ada to achieve this state because they simply don’t have the boundaries (such as death) that mortals do.

The World-Egg: The universe and the 12 previous Kalpas, everything within existence

The Khajiit Tower: this reddit thread https://www.reddit.com/r/teslore/comments/3oh7wf/the_khajiit_tower/ for everyone’s sake i’ll spare you the details of Jungian psychology, TL;DR the khajiit are a ‘tower’ made to hold up the universe and aspects of this

The Grabbers: Mentioned in the 36 lessons, a race of people in Lyg who are said to ‘have never built a city of their own’ there are theories that these are in fact Magne-Ge, due to their connection to Lyg by Mehrunes Dagon

AE: ‘is’ in ehlnofex, can be interpreted as a state of being

Shezzar became Akatosh: The only solid reference i could find was this thread, that immediately discusses how this is probably incorrect http://www.gamesas.com/could-lorkhan-have-jyggalag-t74581-25.html

The Monkey-Truth: Markuth’s teachings, also a website of tes fanfiction writers and roleplayers 

Red Moment: The potential Dragon Break at Red Mountain

The Provisional House: Mentioned in the 36 Lessons, called ‘a space that is not a space’ that Vivec observes the events of Nirn from. It may possibly protect Vivec from dangers associated with this.

Alandro Sul: The Shield-Companion to Nerevar. Sometimes called ‘the immortal-son of Azura’. After being blinded by Wulfharth, he went to live with the Ashlanders of Vvardenfell and is credited with spreading the idea that the Tribunal killed Nerevar

CHIM: To put simply, the process and state where a person realizes their place within the universe and is able to manipulate the laws of the universe as they see fit. Often associated with the concept of ‘Love’

Skaal Secrets: Discussed in the Dragonborn DLC, it’s unknown what their secrets are, but the Skaal report that they’ve kept them a secret from Hermaeus Mora for generations

The World’s Teeth: Mentioned in the 36 lessons of Vivec, sermon 17. Vivec takes Nerevar to the edge of the world, where they see ‘the bottom row of the world’s teeth’ as Vivec states. This may possibly reference a glitch in Redguard. (as a side note: The Legend of Zelda Breath of the Wild, a game that’s confirmed to have taken inspiration from the Elder Scrolls, has an area on the map, near the edge of the world with a row of spikes similar to what’s described here. This might be just coincidence, but I sure enjoy it)

Dagoth Ur’s Endgame: Speculation on what Dagoth Ur’s final plans actually are. He speaks of his desire to remove the Empire from Morrowind, and unite the Dunmer under the 6th House, but beyond that there’s little to go off of.  Ultimately this is just speculation and theories, mostly on what he plans to do with the Anumidium, and how that could possibly have adverse affects on reality.

Pelinal Cyborg from the Future: Another bit of obscure MK lore that’s not implemented in-game. This derives from the description of Pelinal having a ‘left hand made of a killing light’  ‘PELIN-EL [which is] "The Star-Made Knight" [and he] was arrayed in armor [from the future time].’ and his survival of being decapitated. While the text directly states he is from the future, there’s no ingame canon text stating he is a cyborg.

Reymon Ebonarm is Reman: The thought that Ebonarm, a God of War is the same person as Reman, emperor of Cyrodiil. There’s several theories dedicated to this, with different variants on the specifics.

The Enantiomorph: Directly tied to the concept of mantling and the Fourth Walking Way. Put simply, there are three participants in this. Two combatants who are very much alike and trying to become the ‘Ruling King’ and an observer who determines who wins, this observer usually becomes maimed as a result of this. 

The Third Moon: Two different things, a metaphorical or literal secret moon important to the Khajiit that only appears when Masser and Secunda are aligned, preceding the birth of a Mane. The second option is the Necromancer’s Moon, the godly form of Mannimarco.

The Walkabout: A concept in Yokudan religion. The process of spirits surviving one Kalpa to the next, facilitated by Tall Papa

White-Gold Doomsday device: I remember reading this theory a few years back, unfortunately I cannot find the exact page for the life of me. The Tl;DR on this is the White-Gold Tower is a weapon of mass destruction, either literally or in metaphysical terms (being connected to Akatosh and it’s status as a Tower). The closest thing I can find to it is this thread which describes the motives of Umbra in the novels, and how it could potentially take over Tamriel using the White-Gold Tower http://www.gamesas.com/doomsday-scenario-t69430.html

Jiub was the Nerevarine: Self explanatory, headcanon that Jiub was the Nerevarine, similar to a headcanon on tumblr that stated Teldryn Sero was the Nerevarine

House Dwemer: Mentioned as a House within The War of the First Council (which is written by an Imperial for Western Scholars) and The Lost Prophecy (written by a Dunmer) This could be interpreted in a couple different ways. A) The first book was certainly written for western readers, while there is no evidence for this being the case for the latter, it can’t be ruled out. ‘House’ is used as a simplification B) The Dwemer were considered a house, but perhaps not in the way we would initially think (being on the Great House Council)  They were grouped into a singular entity, rather than distinct clans within a cultural group (either during the First Council or posthumously) 

When Dead Gods Dream: https://www.imperial-library.info/content/when-dead-gods-dream referencing this thread. Discusses the mechanisms of Dagoth Ur’s godhood, the thread explains it better than I can here, TL;DR Dagoth Ur is not alive, but he is within the realms of gods and therefor is able to ‘project’ himself onto Tamriel and the minds of his followers.

Khajiit ended the Metheric Era: Nothing found for this

Parabolic Kalpa: A parabola is a symmetrical U-shaped curve. This theory essentially tries to explain why Skyrim is so low magic, compared to it’s history or even ESO. The thought is that as time goes on, the world becomes less connected to Divinity. Towers are destroyed and the gods are gone, but eventually things will begin to kick off again, and there will be a rise in magic, technology and the connection to these beings. Essentially tries to explain why C0da and Loveletter from the 5th era are more high magic compared to the actual games. 

Sithis: Secret Lesson from Vivec: Connects the both Sithis with the 36 lessons by terminology (The Sharmat, false dreamer ect.) and proposes Vivec may have written the book

Bendu Olo: Colovian King, may have been related to Olaj Olo, nordic demigod of mead. Also used as a placeholder name for the player character in Oblivion and the name of the dev’s test character in Skyrim

Trinimac still lives: An ESO lorebook states the Ashpit, realm of Malacath, extends into Aetherius. Some orcs also believe Malacath is nothing more than a demon presenting himself as the remnants of Trinimac. A r/teslore theory states that Malacath wears two faces. While I assume this is the Iceberg author’s sole reference, I propose this could (should) refer to another theory. (Another theory is similar to this on teslore, proposed around the same time, but this one connects the dots)  https://boethiah.tumblr.com/post/621058598373588993/tsun-is-the-shield-brother-of-shor-and-trinimac 

The Aedra are Dead: Seemingly a common topic on teslore. A basic concept in tes, the Aedra gave most of their powers to Mundus to stabilize it.  Their bodies remain as planets, and they can only have limited interactions with Nirn. 

Divayth Fyr was the Hero of Battlespire: An old theory that looks at artifacts in Divayth Fyr’s possession and ties them back to the tes spinoff Battlespire. There are holes in this theory (Divayth Fyr was a seasoned mage at the time the hero was an apprentice)

Three Talin’s: The default name given to the Eternal Champion is Talin, a character creation scenario proposes that their father was also named Talin, and finally Uriel Septim VII’s general was named Talin Warhaft.

Pelagius I was killed by the Underking: The Arcturian Heresy states that the Underking appeared as an advisor to Pelagius I, who was assassinated by the Dark Brotherhood. This theory is a possibility considering the amminosity between Tiber Septim and both components of the Underking. 

Tsaesci Goa’uld: Goa’uld are a species from Stargate that are parasites towards humans. This theory proposes that the Tsaesci are similar, explaining the inconsistencies of their appearance within the lore.

Lunar currency: The thought that the Aedra and Daedra use mortal souls like currency

Historic Star Inconsistencies: Possibly referring to the variations of the number of days within the year in Arena, not sure about this one

Mnemoli/Star Orphans:Mnemoli is either a specific Magne-Ge (spirits that fled the creation of Mundus after Magnus), or a group of them that only appears during a Dragon Break (often nicknamed the ‘Blue Star’) MK states that they’re the writers and distributors of the physical Elder Scrolls (however this contradicts ingame books, so take it with a grain of salt). Star Orphans may or may not refer to Magne-Ge as a whole. Vehk’s book of hours state's them as a ‘group or tribe’ regardless, Mnemoli falls under this secondary classification (along with Merid-Nuda and Xero-Lyg, I have my own thoughts on this which would be better explained in another post) 

Bosmer Hircine worship: Seemingly referring to a thread on 4pleb, I will not be summarizing this theory here because I’m smart and not going onto 4pleb of all places. But from canon content, Bosmer do not worship Hircine, and consider him a force that goes against Y’ffre and wants to return everything to it’s original state of chaos before the earthbones (Y’ffre being among them) stabilized things 

Septimus Signus Zero Sum: The theory that the aforementioned zero-summed at the end of Discerning the Transmundane in Skyrim. Essentially Septimus is in a fragile state, delving into the secrets of the universe and is being pushed by Hermaeus Mora, who may see him as a lab rat, into discovering things he isn’t meant to handle as a mortal, and consequently Zero-Sums. There’s holes in this, namely Zero-Summing supposedly removes all trace of existence. 

The Soft Doctrines of Magnus Invisible: A very obscure text by Douglas Goodall, discusses the binding of various gods

Abnegaurbic creed: An overly fancy word basically meaning religious beliefs, seen in Nu-Hattia Exerpt 

Dunmereth: A Nordic term for the area of Morrowind, during their occupation of it

Fifteen-and-One Golden Tones: A Dwemer term, possibly referring to the spheres of the Daedra, counting Sheo/Jyggalag as a singular entity. Also, the Dwemer swear by these 

Ideal Masters are God of Worms remnants: As Mannimarco is often said to be the first Lich, the existence of the ideal masters seems to contradict this (similar story with Azidal) this tries to rectify this by proposing that the Soul Carin is the Necromancer’s Moon, and the ideal masters are remnants of Mannimarco. This theory doesn’t hold up when examined, but is cool nonetheless. 

Sermon 37: Found in ESO, an extra sermon to the 36 lessons, ties in concepts present in c0da like amaranth. (interestingly on this list Sermon Zero is never mentioned, despite it being older and more interesting imo, but to discuss that would require lots of work)

Flying Whales: Mentioned in Aldudagga. A now extinct species. The bone bridge of Sovngarde could potentially be a reference to this.

Joy-Snow: It’s cocaine 

Mankar=Tharn: A theory that Mankar Cameron is Jagar Tharn, doesn’t hold much weight and relies mostly on the connection of Mehrunes Dagon

Sharmat: A term used to describe Dagoth Ur, an opposite to the Hortator, a force uniting people for evil. Implied to mean or be associated with ‘the False Dreamer’ a person whose view of the universe is similar to someone whose achieved CHIM, but sees themself as the center of it all, rather than a droplet in the ocean of the universe.

Pankratosword: A forbidden Yokudan sword technique that could ‘cut atoms’ similar to our modern day Nuclear Fission. A bit of etymology here, ‘Pankrato’ seems to refer to the word ‘Pankrator’ meaning all-powerful or almighty. 

Landfall: A concept from MK, a future event where Nirn is destroyed by the Numidium, and the people remaining relocate to the moons. 

Cylarne: The oldest ruin in the Shivering Isles, rumored to be the original capital. Home to the Cold Flame of Agnon

[outlanderalien]

@fullheartedlyprovocative

Very good point! Many people who aren’t from the UK are probably not aware of the impending disaster that is Prime Minister Boris Johnson.

I keep describing him as a clown, incompetent and overall destructive to society as a whole, but i’ve failed to go into detail. And the reason is simple: There’s just far too much to cover in a concise and efficient way. It is very literally a massive rabbit hole that knows no end.

But i should probably collate some of his more memorable moments, so that everyone can get a rough idea about who he is exactly and why we’re all dead inside. 

Bojo is often described as clownish, but don’t let that fool you into thinking he’s harmless. He’s as Machiavellian as a politician can get, and he weaponises his clownish behaviour in order to cover up his corruption. He has this down to an Art. 

A recent example of his perception manipulation:

During the Brexit referendum, Boris was heavily campaigning for Leave, and he infamously commissioned a big red Bus with this message on it, claiming that the 350 million currently going to EU membership will be redirected to the UKs NHS (National Health Service), this was a massive deal and fueled the leave campaign. 

This was also a massive lie, and he was (rightly) hated for it.

The Bus Lie hung over Boris long after the referendum. When you’d type up Boris Johnson on Google, it would suggest the Bus scandal as an auto-complete search, bringing up countless articles on the lie that had clearly tarnished Boris’ reputation.

However, during the leadership campaign, Boris did something extraordinary. While being interviewed about his leadership bid, he was asked what he does for fun. This was his response:

Hilarious. Ridiculous. Blustering. Making it up as he went along. It quickly became an interview widely mocked across social media and news outlets. Why did he make himself sound like such an idiot? Why buses? This is why:

He is not only immune to being mocked, he has weaponised it to cover up his biggest controversies. Typing up “Boris Johnson Bus” now yields funny clips of him struggling to get through an interview talking about painting little buses. His Bus Scandal has almost been entirely pushed out of the picture.

That is only the tip of the Boris shaped iceberg. 

His clowning has gotten him national and international mockery. Who can forget that time Boris (while Mayor of London) got stuck on a zip-line because he was too heavy?

Or that time that he got overly competitive in a game of rugby against kids and tackled a child.

Or that time during a recent Leadership debate where he pulled out a literal Kipper and waved it about, declaring that “we will get our Kippers BACK when we leave the EU!”

What a silly man. How completely harmless he must be.

Well while the nation struggles to get these images out of their heads, collectively we have forgotten many of his greatest sins.

One sin still hangs above him... An ongoing scandal that has endangered the life of Nazanin Zaghari-Ratcliffe. 

In 2017 Nazanin had travelled to Iran from the UK to visit her parents, when she was detained by authorities under suspicion of coming to Iran in order to train journalists. In 2017 when Boris was Foreign Secretary and during Nazanins trial, Boris made this statement to the news:

“When I look at what Nazanin Zaghari-Ratcliffe was doing, she was simply teaching people journalism, as I understand it,”

This was considered damning evidence that was used against Nazanin. She is still imprisoned today. Her husband in the UK has been tirelessly campaigning for her release, going on a joint hunger-strike with her. Boris refuses to take any responsibility for his comments or apologise for what he has caused.

This isn’t the first or last time Boris has been reckless with his words.

Very recently, Sir Kim Darroch (the UKs (now former) ambassador to the US) suffered a memo leak, in which unflattering remarks regarding Donald Trumps presidency surfaced. The leak was unfortunate, but the comments made were not unprofessional and entirely expected from a foreign diplomat. But Trump wasn’t happy and applied pressure to the UK government to fire Darroch for doing his job. The entire UK government united behind Darroch and supported him...... well... almost the entire government. During a live debate, the final two leadership candidates were asked about the Darroch situation, and whether Darroch would remain in his job if they become PM. Boris refused to comment and avoided the question as usual. However since Boris was the favourite to win, Darroch realised he had no hope, so he resigned. Boris was cited as the main reason and was widely criticised. 

Before Boris was a politician, he was a journalist. And in recent years, a very unsavoury recording surfaced from his time as a Journalist in 1990...A phone recording between him and Darius Guppy, where the two conspired to have a reporter physically hurt. (Somehow this is the only youtube video available on this...)

Boris has also been known to have absolutely no filter and speaks before he thinks. Such comments are a result of this.

He had referred to black people as “Piccaninnies” with “watermelon smiles”

In 2018 he had referred to Muslim women wearing burkas as looking like “letter-boxes”

At a conference on Libya in 2017 he claimed that the country could become a thriving luxury resort once they “cleared the dead bodies away”

In 2013 he claimed that Malyasian women went to University because they “have to find men to marry”

In 2006 he claimed that Barack Obama had an “ancestral dislike of the British empire – of which Churchill had been such a fervent defender”

All of this... and we haven’t even covered his politics yet.

This is the big reason why he’s becoming PM and it’s simple. He’s lying to everyone.

He’s promising everything to everyone. He’s promised a soft brexit to some, a hard brexit to others. But he refuses to explain how he would achieve either. He’s only now clearly settling on the side of a hard-brexit, or what’s considered a No-Deal brexit (walking away from the EU without striking a trade deal), but he has no answers for any questions posed to him. 

His debating strategy, and interview strategy is to make people laugh until they forget what they asked him.

When asked "Is austerity a dead duck at this point?” he ended up rambling about ducks for a solid minute and making the audience giggle before giving a very vague and nothing answer

When debating with leadership rival Jeremy Hunt, he won over the audiences heart by interrupting Hunt with immature jokes.

After declaring that he knows exactly what he’s doing in regards to a No-Deal brexit, he tells everyone that he will follow “Paragraph 5B” of a document that will supposedly solve the Brexit crisis. He repeats “Paragraph 5B” constantly, giving the impression that he’s a man of detail and knows the entire document like the back of his hand. When asked if he knew what was in Paragraph 5C, he simply states “no” and tries to play it off like it’s funny. Without a studio audience to laugh at him, he was simply left in the silence of an astounded interviewer. This is one of the many reasons why he had avoided as many interviews as possible during his leadership campaign.

The fact is, no one knows what he really stands for, no one knows what he’ll really do. He’s a wild-card, or more appropriately, the Joker card. He seems crazy enough and chaotic enough to go through with No-Deal that people are voting for him. But so many people are going to be disappointed. This is a man who says he’s always wanted to be Prime Minister ever since he was 15. He wants power for the sake of power. And for some reason, the Tory party are handing him that power.

There’s so much more to go into, but this is a good initial crash-course into Bojo, the literal clown.

[mrcurrygoestospain]

Camino De Santiago - Round 5

Spain travel log, 2021…

Day One:

September 20 - Depart Seattle for Madrid, by way of London. There were plenty of issues just getting to this point. In addition to the ongoing concerns over COVID-19, or perhaps because of them, I had some serious concerns about whether I could and whether I should do this trip at all. In the end, I think I simply realized that it was totally appropriate for me to go on this trip: I’ve been “responsible” and taken the full round of vaccinations, generally avoided social contacts with people and been diligent about the masks. So I made my reservations and thought everything was fine. About 2 weeks before takeoff, I got an email from Iberia that one of my flights had been changed. When I looked into it, I found that it was the connecting flight from London to Madrid and the schedule had been bumped up by about 6 hours taking me from having a 2 hour layover in Heathrow to needing to be on a plane for Madrid 4 hours before I actually landed in London and would be able to board it… It took attempts at phone calls over several days to get this corrected. Finally, I tried while I was at top work one morning around 5:00 am. I finally got through and a nice lady helped rebook my connecting flight. She found the only available flight on that day that would work; now I have a seven hour layover.

I prepped for my trip, checklists and routes planned. I arrived at the airport 3 hours early, just in case. Although I booked with Iberia, it was a British flight. So standing in line at the BA counter in SeaTac, I saw the sign: “All passengers must show proof of a negative COVID test.” What? I’d already checked multiple times; I only need proof of vaccination to get into Spain. I check the internet. Sure enough, if you’re on a layover in England, you need a negative test…A quick Google search helped me find a testing center at SeaTac airport, so I rushed down to baggage claim number nine to see if I could get a test in time. In all honesty, I really thought I wasn’t going to make it and I’d have to try to contact the airline again to find a way to reschedule my flight. I stood in the line for what seemed like forever, but finally had the privilege of paying $250 for a rapid COVID test. T- minus 2 hours 30 minutes to departure and they promised results in 1-1.5 hours. The test itself was relatively painless. After all of the horror stories I’d heard about the nasal swabs, I was a bit worried. But it didn’t hurt, it just tickled a little bit. I waited, and waited…it seemed like they would never have my results. While I waited, I heard stories from other travelers who had missed flights or rebooking because of these ridiculous COVID-related requirements. One young Canadian lady I spoke to shared that she’d spent over $1000 on COVID tests in the last month due to traveling. I guess my $250 wasn’t so much.

I finally got my negative test results and rushed back to the check in counter, filled out the required government forms and headed through security. The flight was delayed.

After a nine hour flight to London, I had seven or eight hours to kill in Heathrow Airport, Terminal 5, before boarding my flight to Madrid. I shopped, I ate, I listened to podcasts. I took a few naps and generally cursed British Airways for changing my original flight. Some Italian guy made quite a scene at the boarding gate for the flight to Madrid. The gate agent handled it quite well and passive-aggressively punished him for his demeanor.

I arrived in Madrid after an easy flight on Iberia, made my way to the metro and on to my Hostel. It was a nice enough place. After 28 hours of travel, I was ready for a shower and bed.

Day 2:

On my one day in Madrid, I walked from my hostel/hotel to the Museo Nacional del Prado. It’s Spain’s greatest art museum. This was my second time there and I spent a lot more of it. There are so many amazing pieces and, for someone who used to truly despise art, it was amazing. I highly recommend it. I haven’t been to a whole lot of art museums, but it is, by far, my favorite. I followed that with a walk through the Royal Botanical Gardens. I’m sure they’re great when all of the flowers are blooming, but in early fall, it’s just a lot of green. Either way, it was still peaceful. I visited another nearby park, walked around and viewed the statues, and then made my way back towards the hotel and passed it to go to the Cathedral opposite the royal palace. It’s a much more modern cathedral than the ones I’ll see on the Camino, but still impressive.

Day 3:

On the morning of the third day, I got up early and got packed. Took the metro to the train station and purchased a ticket to Leon. After two hours on the train, I took a 20 minute walk to the hotel and dropped off my bag, and then spent the next few hours wandering the city. I found a barber and got a haircut for 9 Euro, quite a bargain. Stopped at the “Taste of America” shop to get a bottle of hot sauce (Cholula, of course), and just meandered around the city until I could get checked in at the hotel. It was a pretty uneventful day, which is just what I needed. I was still very tired from all of the traveling and trying to swap schedules.

Day 4:

I got up late, around 8:00 AM and started walking the city. I stopped for a cafe con leche and met a Scottish couple who had been walking the Camino for the last few weeks. While we waited out the rain under cover, the shared with me some of their other walking adventures, including tales of walking through the Swiss Alps on the Via Francigena, a pilgrimage route to Rome. I may have to look into that for a future trip. I also shared with them my plans/considerations of taking a walk on the “Great Glen Way” in Scotland. The wife had already done this and highly recommended it, along with the West Highland Way. Both are approximately 5-day walks through some of the wild country of Scotland. When the rain let up, we parted ways and I went to tour the Cathedral, toured the Basilica of Saint Isidore and wandered around town, shopping and eating. Inside the Saint Isidore museum and basilica, i had the opportunity to see what is referred to as the “Sistine Chapel of Romanesque Art” as well as a gold and silver cup that some historians claim is the “holy grail.”

Day 5:

Didn’t sleep much…I forgot how much they like to party in Spain. It was LOUD all night long. Anyway, started my walk. Today was about 27 km and it rained through about 50% of the day. It was a mix of roads and dirt tracks. I only saw one other pilgrim, a Spaniard who doesn’t speak any English. I got ahead of him and had stopped for a rest at a picnics table on top of a mountain. He showed up a few minutes behind me and I tried to chat for a minute, but the language barrier…. I offered him half of my tangerine and then he took off again. I passed him up later. I had been slightly worried about where to stay for the night as the municipal albergue in this province/state are currently closed due to the ‘Rona, but when I got to town I found a pension with rooms available. The lovely lady named Susana showed me to a room and also worked tirelessly to make me a reservation for the following night. I hadn’t eaten much for the day, so I ordered big: hot dog and patatas oil bravas. Patatas bravas is a traditional dish in Spain which is made of fried potatoe cubes that are covered in a (typically) spicy tomato sauce. Potatoes Ali Oli are the same fried potatoes but with a garlic cream sauce instead of the spicy sauce. This one combined both sauces. It was nice. The inside of the restaurant/bar/cafe was very loud with a bunch of men playing a card game I’m not familiar with, so I went outside to have a beer. An older Spaniard, named Hilario, came out and started trying to talk to me. I explained that I am American and I don’t speak much Spanish, but he disagreed. So he went inside and got another man, a Hungarian who had been in Spain for the last 25 years, named Fernanco(?) who was extremely drunk, to come out and talk to me. He was so drunk, he introduced himself as “muy borracho” or “very drunk” and the proceeded to tell me that he used to be a muy Thai fighter and a coal miner and now he was just a fat drunk who collected money from the government because he got hit in the head too many times. At least I THINK that’s what they were saying…. I went to bed early to get a good rest and let my aching feet and hips recover before a long day tomorrow….from La Robla to Poladura, should be about 25km or so with some very intense climbs. We’ll see.

I’m currently on the Camino San Salvador, which is a route from Leon to Oviedo. They say “whoever goes to Santiago without visiting Oviedo, goes to the servant but not to the Lord.” This is because Oviedo is famous for having a specific relic. While most people are aware of the Shroud of Turin, which is the burial cloth of Jesus, many don’t know (including me, until recently) that traditional Jewish burial included placing a cloth over the face of the deceased immediately after death and until the body was prepared for burial. This cloth would then be removed and the full-body cloth would be applied. So anyway, this Cathedral boasts possession of the face covering that was placed over Jesus’ head, likely immediately after the spear pearled his side and before he was brought down off of the cross. Once I complete the Camino San Salvador (about 5 days, I hope), I will continue on to the Camino Primitivo, one of the many Camino’s de Santiago. So the Camino San Salvador goes to the relics of Christ and the Camino Santiago (Santiago = Saint James) goes to the resting place and remains of Saint James (the major), also known as “Santiago Matamoros” or “Saint James the Moor Slayer”, the patron saint of Spain.

[thevoidable]

How and why Dabi is still alive - a theory

Now, assuming the Dabi is a Todoroki theory is correct, there’s always been one big, persisting question since we got a certain confirmation several chapters ago in the manga: just how is Dabi still alive?

That’s the question I’m hoping to answer or at least provide some more insight on by the end of this post, and what I’ll be doing is going in-depth about the cremation process and digging into context clues within the manga, so, major manga spoilers and TWs ahead.

Before we look into how Dabi is still alive, we must first answer how Toya himself actually “died”. As I previously mentioned, chapter 249 gave us confirmation that the Todorokis all firmly believe that Toya is dead, but it was still left unclear on just what was the cause, and most of us had the idea that Endeavour had possibly killed Toya during training.

But then, chapter 252 gave us another vague yet crucial detail:

Endeavour was not directly responsible for his death, but the way this is worded still implies that he is somewhat part of the reason. So, if Endeavour didn’t kill him, what did? Previously in chapter 250, Fuyumi mentions the following:

So, we know that whatever happened to Toya was after the kettle incident. Now, given all the build-up of him being the eldest (therefore him seeing and experiencing the most), suffering through Endeavour’s abuse, and then his mother snapping and becoming potentially just as dangerous, the most likely cause of death for Toya is, unfortunately, suicide. Everything was just too much for him at that point and he, too, snapped. It’s likely that he hid away in an empty room and burned himself alive, and by the time Endeavour (or possibly any of his siblings) found him, it was too late.

So now that we know how Toya died, we can finally start getting to the juicy part, but before we do, I would just like to quickly bring up Dabi’s Quirk and how compatible it is with his body, because that’s going to be important later.

During Dabi’s fight with Geten, we got confirmation that his flames are indeed detrimental to his own body.

Paired with Endeavour’s words said to Shoto during training, and Natuso, Rei, and Fuyumi’s conversation in chapter 187,

it’s easy to put together that Toya inherited a body more suited for an ice Quirk. Given that, it’s still very impressive that Dabi is getting away with the burns that he has and isn’t just straight up dead, so just how hot are his flames? With a quick Google search, blue fire burns at a whopping 1400 - 1650 degrees Celsius (2600 - 3000 degrees Fahrenheit), which means that despite his disadvantage, he still has an amazingly strong resistance to extremely high temperatures. Not only that, but his body is also very likely to survive extreme cold temperatures too, so in a way, Toya essentially has a very flawed version of Shoto’s body and Quirk.

Alright, back to our regularly scehduled programming.  So, Toya burned himself alive, and now Endeavour has to deal with the aftermath. What does he do? Something that I’ve noticed which is incredibly strange is that none of the authorities have been able to figure out Dabi’s identity at all - as of right now, every single core League member has been revealed except for Dabi. If Dabi is Toya, why has no one been able to get DNA tests, fingerprints, etc.? If the other members can be figured out, then Dabi should be too. ...Unless Endeavour had wanted to erase Toya from public existence entirely.  It’s entirely possible that Endeavour contacted the Safety Commission to help him cover up his son’s death and make it as if he had never existed in the first place. Back then, Toya was seen as nothing but a mistake, a failure, so with him dead, it was easy for Endeavour to just sweep him under the rug and move on with his successful son. The Safety Commission would have handled erasing any and all data on Toya, which would explain why investigations regarding Dabi’s identity are coming up dry (oh the irony). So, with his digital existence erased, what about his actual physical one? Considering that around 99% of deceased in Japan are cremated, and Dabi’s name itself means “cremation”, the choice is blatantly obvious. What we have next to look at to figure out how Dabi survived is the cremation process. It consists of a few basic steps: - The body is transported to the crematory and kept in cold storage until the time of cremation - The body must be identified before the cremation process can begin - The body is cleaned and dressed (optional) - The body is placed into a cardboard box or casket and is cremated in the cremation chamber for 2 - 3 hours - Lastly, the remains are then ground up into “ashes” and given back to the family. First of all, in order for this theory to check out, we must address the elephant in the room: Toya is presumed dead.  So how would he even be alive at this point anyway? Well, there’s actually a pretty good explanation for that. Turns out, people waking up in morgues can happen every so often. (As a side note, I’m no medical expert, so if I get anything wrong or get the information confused, then please let me know.)

A reduction in temperature you say? Like...being kept in cold storage? When Toya burned himself alive, he would have burned until he lost consciousness due to the fire eating away at his oxygen, which could have prompted his heart to stop or reduce its pulse greatly. Thus, as the above article suggests, when he was placed into cold storage, he was kept alive and given time to recover. The fact that his body is more suited to the cold is even better in this case, meaning that there’s no way the cold would harm him either.

With the elephant removed, we can now move on to the next steps: body identification and cremation preparation. Assuming that the Safety Commission is taking all measures to make sure that no one knows this is Endeavour’s eldest son, this part of the process suddenly becomes extra shady.  What the body identification means is that the body is labelled with a unique number so that the remains can be identified after the cremation. However, there is also paperwork involved - yet another thing that the Commission would have to keep confidential, or perhaps even alter, giving fake names and the like.  As mentioned earlier, the body being cleaned and dressed is optional, so that is clearly off the table too in order to keep Toya’s identity hidden from whoever works at the crematory.

And finally, we now get to the best part: the cremation itself. I doubt that Endeavour would have a casket prepared for Toya, so he would just be placed in a sturdy cardboard box, and then he’d be slid on into the cremation chamber, which is basically a human-sized brick oven. Now, this is where Toya’s body compatibility really comes into play. Remember how I said that blue fire burns at 1400 - 1650 degrees Celsius (2600 - 3000 degrees Fahrenheit), and that regardless of his burns he still has a crazy high temperature tolerance because of it? If he is able to withstand a decent amount of his own flames, then a measly cremation temperature of 1000 - 1300 degrees Celsius (1400 - 1800 degrees Fahrenheit) will do almost nothing to him besides make his already existing burns a little worse. So, it’s at this point that we now have to ditch science and research and start letting our imaginations run wild, because everything that happens next is all plot-based. It’s worth mentioning that I have never worked in a crematory before, so I’m not sure if the bodies are watched constantly while they burn (I know that families can watch their desceased be cremated if they so choose, but as far as general monitoring goes, I’m not sure), mostly because the process takes 2 - 3 hours, but if they’re not watched, then it’s my personal belief that Toya wakes up as he’s being cremated and busts his way out of the cardboard box in a fit of panic. Once out of the chamber, he realises what’s going on due to another body that could be cremating at the same time.  I’d imagine that what’s going through Toya’s head right now is that people think he’s dead when he’s actually not, and he’d perfer it if it stayed that way. He has the perfect opportunity to get away from Endeavour and start anew elsewhere - this is his second chance. To avoid being found out, he braves the flames again to switch out the ID labels so that the other body’s ashes will be mistaken for his, and he makes his escape out of the crematory to face the streets for the first time. As for what happens during the ten year gap between then and now, I have no idea of what Dabi does or goes through, so that’s all for Hori to know and us to find out.

And so, that concludes my theory! 

I hope you all enjoyed reading it - I did as much research as I could and tried to come up with the most logical scenario possible, and this was the result. I’ve been working on it since midnight and it is now 3AM, so I am going to go the fuck to bed and get some sleep lmao. Let me know your thoughts and if you have anything to add!

[duckbeater]

Four Short Stories

I’ve been sharing quick, minimally constructed stories with my friend Peter, as a way of batting away the rust around my writing. Now that I’ve sat with them for a week or more, and tinkered with them not at all, I’m ready to graduate them to Duck Beater, my horcrux, I mean my blog. 

I HAVE RECENTLY MET SOME VERY POWERFUL GODS

Oh, I stopped going. I gave up the gym because I wasn’t changing. What was my libido then? Tortured, I think, by coltish undergrads in form-fitting sweatpants. Weirdly, I noticed my mood improved if I looked at dogs. If I saw beautiful, loyal dogs in the evenings, open and knowable and kind—I felt my soul swell with every passing. It was a harder kick than studying strangers on the stationary bikes ahead of me. Weirder still, I developed a kind of superstition about these dogs on my nightly jogs. I sought them out, for the contact high. I would say to myself, “I’m gonna see five gods tonight.” Gods not dogs. “I’m gonna see six gods tonight.” I didn’t need to touch them but I did need to pass them and look into their eyes. “I’m gonna see seven gods tonight.” Anyway. That’s why I run outside.

PERFECT GAMES FOR COWORKERS WHO ARE IN LOVE

This one is called “Be Messy, Make Mistakes,” so named for the legend on a coffee mug. The rules are simple:

Wait for it.

Wait a day more for it.

The comparison rankles, but it’s impossibly obvious: Your design lead looks like a young Joseph Stalin (of the 1902 mugshot). Same wavy hair, oiled and swept away from the face, the sides short enough to reveal perfect “number 6” ears. Then the well-groomed beard; the merry dark eyes; the propensity for scarves worn under woolen coats, slightly too large.

Say: “You look like a young Joseph Stalin.” There’s no taking it back. “See.”

Present the results of a quick Google search (two tabs you’ve already opened).

“That’s pretty wild!”

“You’re really a dead ringer.”  

“Well, my family’s Russian.”

“Mm, so—so there could be—”

“A history that ties me to a war criminal, yes.”

You’re sitting side by side now with the perfect excuse to study his face, then the face of young Soso. For this photo, the Okhrana picked up Stalin just after the Batumi Massacre, and his expression, you find, is alight with the flame of revolution. For the sake of comparison, you're allowed to stare deeply, dreamily into your design lead's eyes again.

While he’s here, review some of the updated marketing collateral. Every item earns an affectionate knee touch. (Seriously, he taps your kneecap.)

You say, “New photo.”

He taps.

You say, “Colors print ready.”

He taps.

You say, “Ts and Cs.”

He taps.

Neither of you wins if he leaves his wife and kids.

WHEN THE SHARK BITES

One narrative that preoccupied me during my first serious relationship had to do with the Wright brothers—what the brothers were like as gawky teens. How they celebrated Halloween, where they rode bikes, cemeteries they explored on dares—that sort of thing. I was just out of college and crushing, apparently, on Wilbur, whose photo I’d seen at the Wayne County Historical Museum. I hungered for anachronism. I hungered, too, for love, and so gobbled up a dashing young man in Mississippi. While he fulfilled his tenure in Teach for America, I waited tables in Ohio and, when the spirit moved me, drove out to Dayton to explore the Wright archives.

This was a long time ago, when I was really into Thomas Pynchon and took everything for a sign. Everything conferred a “storm system of group suffering and need,” and there I was, pockets full of cash tips, full up of suffering and need, lamenting the distance from my lover and staunching an uncanny stream of rejection letters from graduate writing programs. Nobody wanted to fund my historiographic metafictions. And who could blame them.

The Wrights were awkward teenagers torqued more fabulously awkward by their mother’s slow death, their father’s increased absences, and the unsuccessful pursuits of their older brothers, who seemed to fail at everything they tried. Wilbur and Orville read widely enough to know their fortunes were unhappy (indeed, they sometimes signed their letters “Smike”). They lived in a small, comfortable city that elevated their ambitions to a high, miserable plateau, and their attempts to paper over poisoned circumstances—to write themselves an antidote—became a project that possibly saved themselves and their younger sister Katherine from fates like those in Dickens’ sentimental tragedies.

The stories I wrote, taken all together, would form The Falconers, a psychological novel that connected slender, depressed fellows to future, strapping heroes. How do lowly men become legends? How do cycling-obsessed boys conquer the skies? (It was that kind of story, with zits.) Thrillingly, my boyfriend moved to Falconer Avenue, just across from the middle school in Holly Springs. Every other month I made the eleven-hour drive, accepting blow jobs and raw dogs and golden showers as reward—monoliths of frantic, first-time sex to confirm our completely successful relationship. And this frosting? Was it frosting! I wrote chapters for The Falconers on Falconer Avenue. The world made perfect sense.

Of course, none of it “came to pass,” as Pynchon’s narrator in Against the Day is fond of saying. The novel fell apart. The boyfriend and I broke up. Still, when I revisit Wright letters and Wright biographies, I’m hounded by a mysterious and entirely inappropriate erection—that is, a kind of Pynchonian kink.

AFTER PICKING A FIGHT IN A BAR

People were gentler with me, I think, with my black eye. It was the week between Christmas and the New Year, I had obviously been in a row, not elbowed, not tripped, and so in addition to looking smaller and darker and sadder than is usual for the holidays, I also looked more crazed and vicious. Why this would compel others to treat me gently does not signify a particular gentleness, or generosity, on their parts—but rather, I detected, a means to protect themselves. If I was not able to defend myself then surely they could defend against me. Kindness is a soft weapon. I rarely wielded it but was nonetheless always disarmed by it. Gentleness did not make me more gentle. I spent the week puzzled by unnecessary soft gestures and soothing voices. I spent the week reminding myself my special treatment was because I looked beat down, not because I was special. Besides, what could that mean? “Special.” Chosen, preferred, anointed, deserving, etc. I sometimes thought about what the world owed me, that week. I landed on “abstention.” Not mercy or forgiveness but rather a quiet space to be alone in earnest, all obligations off, responsibilities tamped down, remission. I had the week off work, which, my brother let me know, was a kind of mercy, because it’s always professionally suspect to arrive at work with a shiner. Colleagues ask questions and bosses harbor suspicions. I was fortunate in that my face could recuperate without scrutiny.

[kaiba-fangirl]

So according to this person on tumblr, I’m ace. ... ... Yah, okay. Sure, Jan. smh, Whatever. Everyone seems to have a different opinion about me, but I never expected to get roped into this one. Coming here to rant cuz, 1, that convo apparently isn’t going anywhere, & 2, I forget when I first read about asexuality, but I remember thinking, Oh! Like Kaiba! Cuz that’s how I always would try to describe how I thought he most canonically was, and why, while he was my #1 and I loved the shipping ideas with all sorts of other characters, I didn’t think any of it fit him. Yeah I multiship him now & I love my polyships, but at his most canon? Kaiba’s ace. And I finally had a word to describe him. So like I’m obviously not saying it’s not real or doesn’t exist. Grey-, Demi-, fine, okay, makes sense to me even though- well, later. Despite the other people I’ve met here who agree that to them Kaiba is ace, I regularly stay away from saying much myself at all. Whenever more specifics come up or someone tries to explain it beyond 1 sentence, I always find myself saying something that I get told is wrong, or at least thinking that like, oh, well, everything I thought I understood about this is apparently wrong. That translates to me rb’ing ace!Kaiba posts, but not making them myself or commenting. Since it’s apparently just something I can never understand even the very definition of unless I am it, then ugh oh well, whatever. Doesn’t affect me so no big deal. I’m not even trying to write an ace!Kaiba.  But then this... without getting to much into it again, this post claimed to give the definition of sexual attraction. An extremely narrow definition: You see a person,  you think about having sex with them. Only after those conscious thoughts, then do you have feelings or whatever about how they look and who they are. And that’s just-- wtf? Nobody does that. That’s not how that works. Like, maybe unless you’re already looking at a naked person and are horny? So, like, when you’re watching porn I guess? So if this single pulled-outta-their-ass explanation is to be taken as THE definition of sexual attraction, but it applies to almost no one ever, that would mean almost every single person is asexual. Allosexual people are not going around picturing everyone naked and gettin it on already. That’s not what’s actually going through people’s heads for what counts as sexual attraction. And so what if I’m not a professional; I doubt this person is. (If they are then seriously wtf???) I’m 31. I’ve talked so openly with lots and lots of people in real life about sex since 18 when I moved to Philly for college. I’m attracted to lots, had sex with a lot of people, some with love some not, and yet not just anyone. I actually consider myself extremely picky, but that doesn’t make me ace. I love sex. I think about it, I want it, I get it, I love it. Alternatively, I crave it but know I can’t for whatever reason. Biggest bottom line is: I experience sexual attraction, with none of the other limits described by Grey-, Demi-, etc. I can’t possibly imagine someone thinking I’m ace just cuz they’re either confused about what sexual attraction is, or simply have never experienced it themselves. I get maybe they’re upset at people describing what lack of sexual attraction should feel like to them, but then here they go explaining what sexual attraction should feel like to everyone else, when they have no freakin clue. Here, try again, these simple textbook answers work just fine, without wild Tex Avery wolf analogies: “Sexual attraction is an emotional response sexual people feel where they find someone sexually appealing, and often results in a desire for sexual contact with the person.“ -oh, look at that, from an actual asexuality website, too! “ Sexual attraction is attraction on the basis of sexual desire or the quality of arousing such interest. Sexual attractiveness or sex appeal is an individual's ability to attract the sexual or erotic interests of other people, and is a factor in sexual selection or mate choice. “ -plain old wikipedia FFS just google something at least if you can’t/won’t talk to other people. But see? This and the whole google search page goes on about how it’s just this physiological feeling, about any of a host of things that attract you to a person in the context that sexual things would be a hypothetical end, but you’re not thinking that far ahead, it’s not conscious thought at all, and that hypothetical may not be viable or appropriate for any number of reasons. It’s NOT just envisioning people as naked meat to devour. Again, you’re thinking of like, centerfolds. Which, sure, that’s a sexual attraction, but that’s not how allo people normally operate. There’s a difference between your overall sexual attraction, and just being in a passing horny mood. And allo people are not just horny all the time for everyone. (ノ_<。) This person is clueless and insists on staying clueless... And I know it doesn’t really affect me, it’s just some idiot on tumblr, but I guess this one in particular pissed me off cuz I immediately saw so many other people -assuming young people- jumping on it, amazed that they must also be ace, because they too had never envisioned strangers naked and voluntarily conjured a desire for immediate intercourse at first sight! Wow, all these people never knew that that’s what sexual attraction REALLY was all this time. *facepalm* That’s cuz it’s not... Some of them, sure, they don’t experience it or choose to id as ace for any of the other reasons listed. But if those other roadblocks don’t apply to you, and you’re not seeing visions of naked people you are driven to bone, you may just not be ace. And how is that possibly a big deal? To find out something doesn’t apply to you? Or if you are, then still, don’t go around thinking that the opposite is 24/7 crazed horndogs all around you imagining you naked and doing obscene things. Like, geeze people... Wanna talk about asexuality being a spectrum, but then come out with this bs. wtf...

[littlecrookedheart]

At least kinda • Fluffy Friday no.1 v.2

Prompt(s) : 45 ; You made me dinner?

requested by a dear anon

Pairing : Damien x Ryan

Rating : None! Only fluff!

Word Count : 1,424

Inspiration found in this song : Falling in Love at a Coffee Shop | Landon Pigg

"I've seen the waters that make your eyes shine, now I'm shining too, because, oh, because I've fallen quite hard over over you."

The breezy morning was met with warm sun rays, the clouds dancing shadows across the ground as they floated overhead. Hayden kept stopping to watch them, pointing out figures they'd see. Normally, Damien found this annoying, but today he stopped too, countering Hayden's find with his own.

The farmers market was bustling, people rushing to have first pick at heirloom pumpkins and the largest of the seasonal fruits. Hayden and Damien took their time, discussing life, romance, and inside jokes , all of which neither of them ever anticipated when they'd first started to become friends. Ryan typically accompanied Hayden to the market, but this afternoon she was out at a gallery open house with Sloane and Nadia, so Damien offered to substitute in.

"Which one?" Hayden asked, holding up two bouquets of flowers.

"What's the difference?" Damien said, both of them seeming fine enough in his opinion.

"Daisies," Hayden held the first to Damien, "and daffodils."

"I know they're not the same flower, I mean what's the difference?"

"Way too many to list. Which looks better?"

Damien considered for a moment, pointing at the daffodils.

"Should I get Ryan some of these?"

"Does she like flowers?"

"Yeah, but wild ones. She makes me pull over sometimes so she can get a few from this spot on the side of the road."

Hayden snorted, stifling a laugh. "You actually do that?"

"Anything for my girl."

Hayden shook their head, picking up a bundle of sunflowers and handing it to Damien.

"These are perfect," he said, patting Hayden on the back and paying the merchant. Suddenly, Damien's phone buzzed. He stopped walking to read it, and chuckled quietly.

"What's up?" Hayden asked, running their fingers over a fresh squash assortment.

"Ryan says she's starving, and this gallery only has chips and salsa, which is absurd for many reasons."

"Why don't you cook something for her? We are at a farmers market, what better place to be when you're in need of food?"

"You're right," Damien smiled, looking around at the nearby booths, "I have no idea what to make."

"Can you actually cook? Or do you prefer simple things?"

"Oh, Hayden. Hayden, Hayden, Hayden. You poor soul. I'll cook for you sooner or later, and your tastebuds will sing."

"....Okay. You know what she always mentions when we come here? Those scallops," Hayden points across the market to the opposite end where a large tent stood, the words 'FRESH SEAFOOD' stamped in blue overhead.

"I have no clue how to cook scallops. I don't even think I've had them."

"That's why we have Google! I can show you how to-"

"I'm not that dense," Damien laughed, pulling up search results before Hayden could finish what they were saying.

"How about these?"

"Seared butter scallops? Can I come to dinner?" Hayden joked, elbowing Damien lightly. "What else?"

"Fruit? Ryan loves fruit plates. And crunchy bread."

"...toast?"

"No, like....yeah, but fancy toasts on expensive bread that tastes the same as cheap bread."

"Bruschetta."

Damien gave Hayden a wink, snapping his fingers at the word. Hayden bundled up a handful of herbs, handing them to him.

"For the fruit platter. Ryan's going to swoon over this!"

Damien smiled, stepping up to the seafood counter.

--

Bruschetta? Check. Good fruit? Check.

The scallops simmered on the stove, Damien's mind occupied with making the night as special as he could. He stepped away, heading to the hallway to find candles for the tablescape.

He grabbed a black plastic storage container from the back of the closet, popping open the lid and taking out a box of tape candles and a corresponding bronze stand with four slots. As he closed the container, he noticed a label that read 'Halloween Decor,' shrugging his shoulders as he closed the door and went to set the candles on the dining table. We wouldn't have them if Ryan didn't like them.

Damien placed the candles in their stations, and arranged the handful of faux pearls around them, adjusting the light dimmer on the wall and moving around the room to check the aesthetics. Suddenly, an acrid smell wafted in from the kitchen, Damien nearly falling over a dining chair as he ran to the other room.

"Damn it!"

He turned the heat off under the pan, the scallops having shrunken and gone completely black. Tapping his phone on, he scrolled down and rolled his eyes at the instructions, but even more at himself, sighing. The makings of a nice meal but no entrée, how wonderful.

He turned the vent fan on, the remaining smoke vanishing within a few seconds, and flipped on the fragrance warmer in the corner of the room. Damien reached overhead, finding a bottle of rum and pouring himself a swig, downing it before having a seat in the living room to wait for Ryan.

--

Hearing the jingle of her keys before they turned in the lock, Damien jumped up and lit the candles on the table, standing with his hands folded in front of him. Ryan did a double take when she walked in, sidling up to him and placing a hand on his waist as she kissed him. He pulled out Ryan's chair, smiling and gesturing for her to sit.

"What's all this?" Ryan asked, smoothing her dress as she sat.

"You made me dinner?"

"Didn't you say you're hungry?" Damien set down a rustic looking agate board, gracefully displaying a variety of fruits and herbs along the surface. Ryan leaned back, her eyes wide, smirking in amusement.

Damien wandered back into the kitchen, immediately returning with a large ceramic serving dish filled to the brim with slices of bruchetta. He whisked over a bottle of sparkling apple cider, elegantly pouring two flutes and placing them on the table. Ryan smiled, crossing her arms.

"Wow, I'm really-"

Damien stepped back, dusting his hands on the apron tied around his waist. "Wait. Okay, here's the thing. I may have...ruined the main course. Meaning I bought scallops, but I didn't know what I was doing and they burned really badly, so...this is going to be very, very unconventional."

Ryan giggled, shaking her head. "Since when have the two of us ever been conventional?"

"Remember that in a minute," he chuckled, turning the corner into the kitchen.

Ryan waited patiently, raising her eyebrow as she heard what sounded like pans being slingshot across the room.

"Need any help in there?"

"Nope!" He called back, the clatter of fumbling pans saying otherwise. Finally, Damien returned to the dining room, setting down two plates covered with random opaque pot lids.

He slid into the chair across from Ryan and grinned, gesturing to her plate. "Remember that you love me and the thing you said about being unconventional," he grinned, watching in amusement as Ryan lifted her lid and doubled over in laughter.

"Damien!"

"What?!"

She tried to compose herself, her laughter starting again as she tried to speak. Her laughter was contagious, the both of them giggling to tears. Ryan took a deep breath and wiped her eyes, squaring her shoulders with a wide smile across her face.

"Froot Loops?"

"Okay, in my defense, you love Froot Loops."

"You love Froot Loops."

"We both love Froot Loops."

"You know what? You're right. This is perfect. Thank you."

Damien reached across the table, giving her hand a squeeze.

"What made you decide to do this?" Ryan asked, an audible crunch coming from her bruschetta bite.

"I can't take all the credit, Hayden helped me with planning."

"That was sweet! But Hayden didn't do all of this," she gestured around the room. "You made me dinner, set the table so nicely, and you made the house smell beautiful. Thank you."

He gave her a half smile, stabbing his fork into a quartered pear. "You're welcome."

"You know I love you, right?"

"As much as I love you," he replied, hand hiding his mouth as he chewed, "which is at least kinda."

Ryan's mouth dropped, her eyebrows bending. She tore a grape from the bunch and threw it at him. "How mean!"

"Hey! Violent! I'm fragile," he said, mock surrendering with his hands up.

"Gonna be a lot more next time," she winked, taking a sip of her cider.

"I love you more than you'll ever know," Damien said, smiling before taking another bite.

"Not enough to keep the scallops from burning, though." Ryan's eyes lit up as she tried not to laugh, darting her eyes away from him.

"Shut up and eat your Froot Loops, dork."

[therandomfics]

Strangers Pt 2

Dominick, also known as isirac, had become quite the interesting individual. He was in his 30′s, worked for the city, and was a family oriented kind of person. He was charming, polite, handsome, and articulate. He was you, but with male genitalia. That’s why he was such a person of interest - but not for your case, for you. 

On the opposite end of the spectrum, you’d met up with BHUNT03, Brendon, and were absolutely flabbergasted by the fact that one person could be so in love with their own existence. 

“Yeah, I’ve been here a little while and it just isn’t really my speed,” Brendon had said over dinner. He’d chosen a place that screamed tourist, but you didn’t want to be rude and mention that you’d lived here long enough not to enjoy the cheap thrills of I <3 NY on everything. Plus, as you’d told him several times in the past two weeks, you were from Boston. 

You’d nodded and tried to stomach the idea of anyone wanting to actually be with this guy. “Maybe you should move back to Austin?” you had suggested - harmless, but apparently offensive. 

He scoffed. “See that’s what’s wrong with all of you women up here. You all think you’re hot shit, like you’re better than someone else based on their accent or their hometown. It’s no wonder you’re 30 and single.” 

“Right. You’re 34, correct? 34 and single, and in a city that you hate. Must be a dream come true.” You had excused yourself a few moments later and left. Brendon was a prime suspect for your case now, with all of his pent up anger and lack of respect. Interesting. 

That night you went home and got on your computer to message Dominick. 

Omg.. I just had the worst date of my life. Pretty sure if I hadn’t be vigilant he would have tried to off me in the parking lot. Tell me you’re having better luck? 

isirac: Hell no. The girl I keep trying to take out on a date can’t be bothered with me. 

Surely not. Look at you, Dominick. You’re handsome and smart! Who could say no to you?

isirac: Well then let me take you out, Y/N. I won’t be conventional. Meet me for breakfast in the morning? I have to go in at 8, school starts at 8... so, 6? 

He’d remembered your lie about being a teacher. But, also, he was asking you out, and you thought you might actually like him, so the lying bit was a lot more difficult suddenly. 

Sure! Here’s my number. Text me, and we’ll plan a place to meet up, okay? 

Your phone lit up only a few minutes later. 

Dominick: How about Al Cappucino’s? 

You: Sounds good. I’ll make sure I wear a red sweater so you notice me. 

Dominick: I scarcely believe I’d miss you. 

You: See you in the morning. :) 

Who could sleep? You stayed up that night sorting through the wild abandon of Meet and Mingle, wondering how some of these men were raised, how many of them were predators in the making, and how many of them might actually not be looking for romance at all. 

When you arrived that morning at Al’s, you took a deep breath and walked inside. There he was, sharp as he could be in a pressed suit leaning against the coffee bar. Good. God. He was even more attractive in person and that was no small feat. 

“Hey, Dominick,” you called out, offering him a small wave. 

“Y/N! You didn’t blow me off! I’m shocked,” he laughed, and greeted you with a polite but warm hug. 

“Wouldn’t dream of it, honestly.” 

“Let’s sit.” 

You sat down across from him and studied his face for a long moment, taking in the softness of his eyes and the way that his hair was perfectly coiffed. His suit was well tailored and you couldn’t help but notice that he was noticing you, too. 

“I feel like I’ve known you for a long time,” you confessed and felt your cheeks growing red. What were you doing? This was an UC operation. You don’t fall for the potential suspects. 

He didn’t miss a beat or alienate you. “I feel the same way. You’re just really easy to talk to, and honestly after some of the things I see at work, I just want someone that I can have an honest conversation with, y’know?” 

In between bites of the food that you’d ordered, you learned that Dominick had been a life long resident of New York, was a huge fan of anything to do with New York sports, he was Catholic, he was an uncle, he was passionate about his work, and he was really, really smart. Apparently he’d wrapped up law school and was teetering on the fence between his current job, and moving on to practice law. 

“You’re impressive,” you commented, that same blush appearing on his face. “You make me look pretty lame. I teach US History and Political Systems at a school in Brooklyn. Kids these days are pretty.. what do they say, savage? They make me feel old. But, that’s besides the point. I want to know when we’re gonna go see a game together.” 

The clock struck 7:15 and you both sighed. It was time to part ways and head to work. He would go to his job with the city, and you’d go to Brooklyn SVU - or, Millennium High School, whichever. You both stood and walked to the door together, out onto the sidewalk where the city that never slept was waking up from a cat nap. 

“Call me sometime? Sooner rather than later,” he suggested, and opened his arms to you. 

You stepped into the hug and lingered there for a moment. It felt so wonderful to have the touch of another human being; one that wasn’t trying to hit you for arresting them. “I will. But, the phone goes both ways,” you reminded him and pulled away. “See you soon, I hope.” 

“There’s this guy name Brendon Hunt, he’s 34 and works on Wall Street. He’s an asshole and I’m beginning to think a tyrannical misogynist. Look into him,” you said over the phone to TARU. Maybe he’s talked to someone else and they’re missing, or worse. He’s from Austin, TX from what he told me.” You hung up the phone and began scouring through your inbox again. One message stood out among the rest. 

quidproquo: You’re very pretty. Stop dating these jackasses in suits and talk to me instead. 

What makes you think I’m dating a jackass in a suit?

quidproquo: Because I saw you at 7AM. 

Saw me where? 

quidproquo: Al Cappucino’s. 

Your heart stopped for a moment and you grabbed your phone, making a quick call back to TARU. You gave them the user name and let them do their magic, hoping for a result. On the other end of the phone you heard the clicking and typing of the agent trying to find a result for you, but they seemed to be finding nothing but dead ends. 

“It’s coming from an Internet Cafe in Queens.” 

“I haven’t been to Queens in fucking ages,” you grumbled. “Okay. Alright, thank you. If you find anything else out, let me know please. Thank you, again.” 

Hiding out in Queens? What a shame, I heard that place is a slum. 

quidproquo is not receiving messages at this time. 

You tried to click on his profile, but it was suddenly deleted. You screen shot the messages and emailed them to yourself, copying Captain Walker, before shutting your laptop and taking a step back to clear your head. Maybe it was Brendon? Maybe he was mad that you’d gone out with someone else so quickly - but, then why would he be following you? Unless, of course, he had hacked into your profile, which wouldn’t be too surprising if he was as crazy as you suspected. 

Against your better judgement, you opened your laptop back up and went to your inbox again. You had three new messages waiting for you from the past two days, and you knew it was important to keep going until you found the person you were looking for. 

bklawyer06: Sorry you’re so lonely. New York isn’t for everyone, but it looks like we both live in Brooklyn so maybe sometime we’ll run into one another. Maybe sooner rather than later. 

You’re sweet to say that, thank you. Yes, it is pretty lonely but, I can’t imagine why you’d be lonely. A single lawyer in Brooklyn? You’re like a unicorn. 

bklawyer06: Hahaha yeah i guess so but that’s because my office is in Manhattan and the girls there really aren’t my type. All i see are courtrooms, clients, and pretentious women who wear knock off YSL like no one knows. Gotta love Manhattan. 

Lol I feel you there. I avoid the place if I can, really, which is easy bc I work and live here in Brooklyn. Easy commute, too!

B: What do you do, if you don’t mind that I ask? 

I teach US History at Millennium. 

I graduated from MBHS. Does Mrs. Frazier still work in the front office? 

Shit. He wasn’t supposed to ask those kinds of questions. After a quick google search, you found that she had retired last year. 

No, she retired, but it’s a small world isn’t it? I bet we’ve passed by one another before and didn’t even realize. 

B: Next time you pass me by, let me know. You look pretty hot in your pictures so I’d like to see the real thing some time. 

The day’s early. I was planning on going for a run later, maybe you’ll be out? Brooklyn’s kind of large, though. 

B: Take a run through Bennett Field. I was gonna take my dog out around 6. Oh, my name is Daniel. 

Okay, I’ll look for a cute guy with a dog. That’s like, impossible to find. I’m Y/N. See you in a while. 

Did you usually run? No. Were you going to tonight? No, you’d probably jog into the open area of Bennett Field and then stop. It wasn’t that you weren’t in shape, but usually you ran to chase someone down, and you hoped it wouldn’t be that way tonight. You holstered your service weapon in your shoulder harness and slipped your jacket over it, concealing your real reason for the visit, and headed out the door. 

When you arrived, you slowed your pace and jogged idly around the park for about ten minutes before you saw a some-what familiar face. 

“Hey, Y/N,” he called out, his dog jumping wildly in excitement. 

“Hey, Daniel. Nice to see you in person.” You stood a few feet away from him and crouched down to invite his dog over. “Who’s this?” 

“That’s Molly. She loves new people,” he commented and let his eyes wander up and down your body. “You’re prettier in person.” 

You laughed and stood up. “Thanks. I guess I can’t say you’re pretty because that’s too feminine but, you are attractive. Molly, though, is totally gorgeous.” 

Daniel was nice, you decided, although a little forward. It was obvious that he was nervous and wanted to make a good impression somehow, and you just didn’t have the ability to tell him it wasn’t worth the anxiety. He practiced Family Law - he was a divorce lawyer - and had been for two years. He graduated from Baylor and moved back home after college. You made up your story as you went and tried to remember key details of your facade. It went well, and he asked to see you again. 

“Yeah, that would be great,” you agreed. “Should we.. trade numbers?” 

He nodded enthusiastically and handed you his phone. “Put your number in.” 

As you pretended to type, you quickly pulled up his contacts list and looked for the names of the two girls you’d found weeks before. No luck. You typed your number in and handed the phone back. “I’ve gotta get back, but text me sometime and we can get together. Maybe something more formal.” 

After you got back home and showered, you checked your phone to see if you had any news from TARU. You didn’t, but you did have a new text from Dominick. 

D: How was your day? 

You: Hey. I was just thinking about you. It was good, can’t complain much. You?

D: Not bad. I just got home a little while ago. Cleaned up and ready for bed. Is 9PM too early for bed? 

You: Absolutely not. My bedtime is 9:30, don’t feel bad. 

D: What are you doing this weekend? 

You: Grading papers, wishing I had won the lottery. What’s up?

D: Idk nothing, I just wanted to see you. 

You: Okay. :) I think we can make that work. 

You wanted to tell him about your mysterious message from earlier but you knew that it would raise red flags. Why would anyone stalk a teacher? Plus you didn’t want to alarm him, either. Maybe it was just someone being an asshole. You’d find out more tomorrow, hopefully. 

[davidcarner]

Hotel California Ch 4, Such A Lovely Place

A/N: First, Dillwg, this is a day early, I hope that's okay.  Second, AngelGurl0 and Zettel, thank you SO much.  AngelGurl0 helps me while I type it, Zettel grabs it on the back end.  Double betaed.  And finally Steampunk . Chuckster had me betaing and bounced things off of me all through Thin Ice, and well.  It's affected me some.  We aren't saucy yet, but we're turning up the heat.  This one...hehehe...Its's still fun!  I do how you enjoy Welcome to Hotel California Ch 4, Such a Lovely Place

Disclaimer: I don't own Chuck, and for the record, we never broke up, we just took a 14-year vacation. (If you don't know that line, Google it)

"Dear God, he tried to fix it," Chuck muttered, shaking his head, pouring through the code. Chuck had gotten to work early, barely able to sleep last night, and when he did the dreams he had were…confusing. His dreams were filled of one Sarah Walker, and he was more than a little disturbed by them. They were full of her crying, saying he didn't like her. His heart was crushed by that. He needed her to know that he did like her. He had never actually cleared that up last night, but maybe he did by saying they were friends. He rolled his head across his shoulders, trying to get relief for his shoulders. He found himself thinking back to last night.

They had stayed at the restaurant for a few hours, just talking. Chuck felt all the weight of the world off of his shoulders having finished his finals. He joked with Carina, and even a little with Sarah as the night wore on. She had pulled her phone out to do something when he got to courage to just ask.

"What are you doing?" he asked her.

"Getting a ride home. Do you use Uber or Lyft?"

"Nonsense, I'll take you" She gave him a look. "Unless you'd rather I didn't know where you live because you don't want random weird guys knowing that, although I'm not random and I really don't think I'm weird."

"Chuck, spiraling," Carina said, grinning. Chuck looked at her and nodded. He turned back to Sarah who had an amused grin on her face.

"I promise I'm not a physical threat," Chuck said. Sarah and Carina both chuckled.

"What?" Chuck asked.

"Sarah is going to be awarded the 2nd degree black belt in a few months in jujitsu," Carina said. Chuck turned to look at Sarah. She nodded. "In other words, Chuck, she could kick your ass." Sarah shrugged.

"Noted," he said.

"It's wild," Carina said. "She has to face off against others."

"I'd love to see it," Chuck said, and then realized what he had done. "Not that I'm over here asking for an invite or anything," he paused as Sarah laid a hand on his arm.

"Do you always spiral like that when you get nervous?" Sarah asked grinning.

"Yep," Carina said. "He never spirals around me." She sighed heavily. "You wound me, Curls, you wound me."

"You'll live," Chuck deadpanned. Sarah laughed out loud at the two. Chuck turned back to her. "So, may I give you a ride home."

"Oooo," Carina said. "So proper, he never says anything like that to me."

"Because you'll turn it into can I ride you home," Sarah retorted. Carina shrugged. "You don't have to, Chuck, but I would appreciate it."

"All right, let's beat feet then," he said. Beat feet? What was next, a groovy beatnik had a fab night? What time warp had he caught himself in?

"Chuck, you were born in the 1980s, right?" Carina asked.

"Leave him alone, Carina," Sarah said, surprising both Chuck and Carina. "He's an old soul, and I like him just the way he is." Chuck turned to Carina, and very maturely, stuck his tongue out.

"Do it again and see what I do with it," Carina said. Chuck quickly pulled his tongue back in, and walked Sarah to the car. She told him where she lived, and he drove her.

"I just live a couple of blocks away," Chuck said. "I'm at Echo Park."

"At your bachelor pad?" Sarah asked. Chuck went quiet.

"No with my sister and her husband," Chuck said softly.

"Hey, I'm not judging," she said. He nodded.

"It was hard to find a job after getting kicked out of school," Chuck said. He winced. He hadn't meant to say that.

"Bryce told me," she said. Chuck went quiet, and they road in silence for a few minutes. "He cheated on me back when we dated, so I had a feeling he was telling me stuff about you to put you down. He likes to look like the best thing out there." Chuck nodded, agreeing with all of that. "I didn't think that part was true, or at least the way he told it." Chuck looked over at her, and bit his bottom lip.

"I didn't cheat," Chuck said. "As to what I think happened, I can't prove any of it, and I don't want to say anything that I can't prove." Sarah nodded. She understood what he wasn't saying. He thought Bryce was involved but he didn't know Sarah that well, could he trust her? Hell, why should he trust her? "Honestly, I try not to think about it, but being around him just brings it back, you know, but it's either this or the Buy More as the Nerd Herd supervisor, so I do the adult thing. Adulting sucks by the way." Sarah grinned. He pulled up in front of her house and let out a low whistle. "Nice." It was a house, 2 story, white picket fence, and a red door. Sarah shrugged.

"I didn't spend my money, saved it up, bought this, and the payments are too bad," she said grinning. "It's mine, well and the bank's." Chuck laughed. "Perfect American dream home, and just me there." She raised her eyebrows as if to say "oh well."

"So tell me Sarah Walker, why are you single, except that Bryce Larkin is a cheating scumball?" Chuck asked. Sarah had started to open the door, but paused and turned back to him.

"We're going to be working together pretty closely the next few weeks, I'm sure you'll figure it out," she said. "Thanks for the ride." With that, she got out of the car, shut the door, walked around the car, and started up the sidewalk. Chuck had rolled down his window.

"Hey, Sarah," Chuck said, in what he found to be an amazing moment of courage. She turned around to face him. "What if I don't figure it out?" She looked confused. "After these couple of weeks working together. What if I don't figure out why you're single?" She studied him for a minute, and a grin made it's way on her face. She walked up to the car, and she saw Chuck gulp, making her grin turn into a smile. She stopped, and leaned forward, her arm on top of the car and lowered her face toward the window.

"Chuck, are you asking me out?" she said.

"No," Chuck replied. "You have made it very clear you don't date coworkers." She nodded, the smile still on her face. "I'm just saying, if I'm slow, and don't figure it out, are you gonna tell me, because curiosity killed the cat, and you have no idea how curious I am." She took her arm off the roof, and squatted down, her arms crossed on the open driver side window, leaning toward him. Chuck looked very nervous, and he rubbed his hands on his pants.

"Are you nervous, Chuck?" she asked, emphasizing the k.

"Yes," Chuck admitted.

"Why, Chuck?" she asked. Chuck studied her and grinned.

"Because you double clicked an icon on your desktop you'd never seen before, and I'm wondering what you're gonna do here," he admitted. She laughed. She pushed a strand of hair behind her ear. She studied him a second and bit the inside of her lip.

"Make you a deal," she said. Chuck was deathly quiet. "We get through the next few weeks, and after this is over, you and I have dinner where we did tonight." Chuck nodded. "At that point we'll discuss this further."

"And if I don't see it?" Chuck said. Sarah had a slight smirk on her face. "Why you're single."

"Oh, you will, Chuck, you will," she said.

"But if I don't?"

"What do you want, Chuck?" she asked, intrigued.

"I've been thinking, you're a good person, maybe a hair insane, but good," he said. She gave him a look, but was grinning. "Maybe you ought to reconsider your no dating anyone at work rule and change it to a no dating asshats rule."

"Is that what Bryce Larkin is, an asshat?" Sarah asked.

"At the minimum," Chuck said.

"Anyone in particular I should date?" she asked.

"I think that is something we should talk about at said dinner," he said. She grinned, and stuck her hand out. He took it in his, and swore he felt electricity.

"Deal," she said, and stood. "Goodnight, Chuck," she said, turned, and headed back up the walk. He sat there, and she turned back. "Is there something else you want to talk about?"

"I just wanted to make sure you got inside alright," Chuck replied. She put her keys down. Who was this guy?

"Uh, you did remember Carina telling you about my martial arts?" she asked. Chuck shrugged.

"Yeah, and I don't think I could do a lot, but if your key doesn't work," he said, shrugging.

"You're sweet, Chuck," she said. With that, she opened the door, and entered her home. She waved to him. "Good night."

"Good night, Sarah," he said, and drove off. He shook his head as the computer beeped in front of him, the search ended. He pulled up the results and groaned. It would be easier to start with his original program, and that was on a flash drive in his desk. He opened the desk drawer above his knees, found the flash drive and promptly dropped it. He got down on his hands and knees to find it.

"Dude!" Morgan yelled, slamming Chuck's door office door open, causing Chuck to jump up and hit his head on the pulled-out desk drawer.

"Ugh," he moaned, checking to see if his head was bleeding. "Morgan, what the hell?"

"Dude, you are like the greatest," Morgan said, running over and grabbing Chuck in a hug, still under the desk drawer. "How did you get Carina to go out with me?"

"I suggested she try taking out a nice guy for once," Chuck said. "Dude, don't let me down, be good to her."

"Absolutely," Morgan said. "I swear on my Ellie pillow." He paused. "Do you think that would be weird for her?" Chuck started to answer, when Morgan continued on. "I mean, it's Carina, right?" Chuck grabbed his arm, making Morgan's eyes get big.

"Dude, that's the way everyone treats her," Chuck said warningly. Morgan nodded, reached into his pocket and pulled out his phone. Chuck was intrigued.

"Ellie," Morgan said. Chuck shut his eyes. "I think it's time you and I had a discussion. No, hear me, Ellie, I've moved on." Chuck swore he heard a gasp and then the word, "Really?" "I know, I know, it's time, but it's time for me to return something to you, it wouldn't be right for the new women in my life. It's your pillow, Ellie." Chuck heard an "Ewww!" and then he swore a dial tone. "Ellie," he looked at Chuck. "I think it's crushed her."

"I'm sure that's it," Chuck said. "Look, just throw it away, or burn it." Morgan nodded.

"These are for you," Morgan said, thrusting them into Chuck's hands. "The best chocolate croissants in the country."

"Thank you," Chuck said. Morgan stood, nodded, and left. "Burn the pillow!" Morgan didn't answer. "He's not burning the pillow," he muttered to himself. Chuck put the bag on the table, shut the drawer, and got to work. He set a test to run, to check bugs on one part of the code and laid his head down on his desk. He felt a hand on his shoulder, gently shaking him. It seemed it had been only a few seconds. He felt someone lean down close to his ear. It had to be Carina, but he was too tired to open his eyes.

"Chuck," the soft voice said, that definitely was not Carina. His eyes shot open and he looked up, seeing Sarah's grinning face. "Hey, you okay?" He smiled at her. That voice was so soothing it made him want to snuggle up to something, but she was a 2nd degree, or going to be, black belt and he really didn't want her hurting him.

"Yeah, weird dreams last night," he said. He was shaking off the sleepiness and didn't notice the look on her face. She started looking around. "Something wrong?"

"No," she said distracted, and her eyes came up on the bag. She sniffed the air. "Is that chocolate croissants?"

"Yep, Morgan brought me some this morning," Chuck replied. "Help yourself," he waved towards it, having turned toward the monitor. One hole patched, seven more he knew of to go.

"Mmmm," she moaned, making him stop mid-type, and turned toward her in his chair. She had a bit of a blush, but she was chewing and really didn't care. "This is sooo good," she almost moaned. "Maybe I should change my dating rule at work. He made these?" Chuck nodded, and smirked.

"It's the beard," Chuck said, teasingly. "It does special tings to the cooking and the ladies that eat said cooking."

"Carina is one lucky girl," she said with a wink. "Too bad he can't make pizza."

"Oh, but he can," Chuck said, turning back to the computer. He wanted to be further along than he was, but he also didn't want to ignore Sarah. What to do, what to do?

"So is all of this your office space?" Sarah asked looking around. There were three empty desks, one looked to have been worked on the other two appeared empty.

"Well, not exactly," Chuck answered. "Those two are Skip's but he never uses them," he said pointing to the two on the other side of the room. He turned toward the one behind him that look like it had been used a few times. "That one is mine when I need to look at schematics, or draw something out, or take something apart. Skip has the same setup over there."

"Where is Skip?" Sarah asked.

"There's a tiny room near the servers he uses," Chuck said shrugging, and pointing toward the door at the back of the room. "He takes care of everything from there, so I get all of this. Plus Carina scares him." Sarah laughed. She looked over at one of the empty desks. "You can use one if you want, or both." She turned to him, looking excited.

"Really?" she asked. He nodded. "I get the stupidest questions that can be answered by email but everyone stops by, and that's fine but I need to work on this project, and make sure it's right."

"I've got a laptop I can log you in on securely, and you can work from here," Chuck said, shrugging. "It would take us five minutes to set you up."

"You sure you don't mind, I don't want to interrupt you," she said.

"Nah, its fine, I'll probably have to stay late most nights anyway," he said with a shrug. He saw the look on her face. "It's my fault, I should have had these holes fixed a long time ago." Sarah thought about that.

"What do you mean a long time ago?" Sarah asked. "How were you to know there were holes in the security? It's not like you built it." Chuck's eyes got big.

"Uh, I found them when I first started," he said. Not a total lie. "I had so many other things to do, and you know, mess with Bryce's security system, that wouldn't be the best move for a new employee."

"Uh-huh," Sarah said, in a tone that said she was going to give him all the rope in the world to make this noose.

"Well, let me finish this patch and while it's running the scan we can get you fixed up. I'd do it right this second, but, you know, busy, busy, busy," he said. He closed his eyes. ACK! Why did she do this to him? He could hear her giggling.

"Chuck," he heard her say, and opened his eyes. She was standing right in front of him, head tilted a little, biting the inside of her lip. "Do I make you nervous?"

"A little," he admitted.

"Good," she chirped and left the room. He rolled his head backwards and looked up at the ceiling. This woman was going to be the death of him.

-ooooo-

"This feels almost like cheating," Sarah said. Chuck stopped what he was doing, blinked a few times and turned toward her. "It's almost like I'm not working, but I'm getting more done than I ever hoped." Chuck nodded, understanding. "Is there a printer I can send this print job to?"

"It should be good to go," he said. She hit print and the printer beside Chuck came to life.

"That's from Stanfield's team," Sarah said. Chuck pulled all the papers off. There was good news and bad news. He had closed four of the seven holes, but there was more than seven holes. Chuck read the paperwork and understood. He had created this project four years ago, and technology had moved on since then. He leaned back and groaned. "Bad news?"

"Yeah, this project was created four years ago," Chuck noted. "The technology has moved on, but the updates to this haven't been done."

"Sounds like someone hasn't touched it in a while," Sarah offered, sitting back, and putting her boots on the side of her desk, crossing her jean covered legs. Chuck grinned over at her.

"Comfy?" he asked.

"Mmmhmm," she said. "You know what would make this better. A pizza. A big pizza. Vegetarian."

"You a vegetarian, Walker?" Chuck asked.

"God, no," Sarah said, grinning. "I love a good cheeseburger, but on a pizza, all those meats tend to make it greasy."

"Affect your spastic colon?" he asked, grinning. She looked around, found a piece of paper, wadded it up, and threw it at him, hitting him right between the eyes.

"Neaiou," she said, and Chuck thought she sounded adorable. "But when you have meats on pizza, it does tend to get a little greasy."

"Makes you gassy?" Chuck asked. Sarah narrowed her eyes at him. "So that's it, that's why you're single, you get gassy?" Sarah threw her head back and laughed.

"Yes, Chuck, I get gassy, but I'm pretty sure if you found a doctor they would confirm that everyone gets gassy," she said, shaking her head at him.

"Yeah, I think Ellie and Awesome would agree," he said, leaning back and stretching. He pushed his chair away, stood, and leaned back to stretch his back. Sarah stared, and then realized she was staring. She sat up quickly, turned and buried her head in her work.

"Awesome?" she said, trying to ignore his stretching.

"My sister's boyfriend, now fiancé," Chuck explained. "They're doctors." Sarah turned in her chair.

"Wait, your sister, who helped get you through high school and Stanford, is a doctor?" Sarah asked. Chuck nodded, looking a little shamed by the obvious comparison.. "Chuck," she admonished softly. "There's nothing to be ashamed about."

"Didn't you graduate from Harvard?" Chuck asked. Sarah nodded.

"Yes, but Chuck..." Sarah began, but stopped. "I don't know what happened, but did you talk to anyone at the school about it?"

"Yeah," Chuck breathed. "But they had 'proof,'" he said, using finger quotes.

"Bryce," she said softly. "He claim he saw the tests?" Chuck swallowed,nodded.

"Sarah, I never saw those tests before," Chuck insisted softly. She stood up, walked over, and put a hand on his left shoulder, and wrapped her right arm around his back.

"Trust me, I believe you," she said. "Bryce set you up?" Chuck shrugged.

"I truly don't know, but what other explanation is there?" Chuck's stomach rumbled. He looked at the clock. It was nearly four. "We missed lunch!" Sarah laughed. He turned to her.

"We must love our work," she deadpanned. Chuck snorted.

"How about a large vegetarian pizza from my bearded buddy?" he asked.

"No olives," she added quickly. Chuck looked at her, a sudden look of understanding on his face followed by a slow nod.

"Ah, now I see," he said.

"See what?"

"You're high maintenance," Chuck said. Sarah laughed out loud.

"Chuck," she said, getting very close and winking. "When you're the best, you expect the best," she said softly. Chuck gulped, and she chortled. "I don't want olives on a freaking pizza and that's what you come up with?"

"Well, if you'd just tell me why you're single, I wouldn't have to keep guessing," he said. She grinned, and headed toward the door.

"Tell you what, I need to stop by and talk to Carina. After I finish, I'll go get the pizza," she said.

"Sounds, good, but you avoided the question," Chuck said. She stopped at the door, holding on with her right hand, tapping it. She turned back and studied him.

"Yes...But I like it when you guess," she said, and headed upstairs.

"Hey," Chuck yelled. She stuck her head back in. "Be gentle with Morgan, first Carina, then you, that's too much power for one beard." She laughed as she left. "She's still crazy," he said softly. "But apparently I like crazy."

A/N: Oh Chuck...you are in deep, and you don't even care....I'll give you a hint what happens next time...movie night...serious talks about Aquaman, and Casey...wha? Come on back for What's Going On…take care…see you soon…til next time.

[greywindys]

Gorillaz | 2017 in Review

Ayyy happy new year!!! Relative to the entire year of waiting that was 2016, 2017 was a pretty packed year for Gorillaz and consequently, for me as a fan. To sum it up in three words- They came back! (Finally, someone let them out of their cage?) And there was a surplus of content- good, quality content. But there were also some letdowns. Which release falls into which category depends on who you ask. Like, pretty much every move Gorillaz made this year was met with both applause on one side and boos on the other. If I had to pick a word of the year for them, it would be “polarizing.” However, polarizing isn’t always bad, and there were many well thought out conversations, theories and fan content that resulted. Add in some scandal and disorganization and you’ve got a pretty wild twelve months. Under the cut I list some notable and memorable momentz.mp3 of the year, mostly for my own records but anyone is welcome to read.

Hallelujah Money (1/19/17)

Gorillaz started their year off with what was probably the most polarizing move of the year. Some backstory: January 2017 we still had no idea when the album was coming out. Actually, we didn’t even know IF the album was coming out like, we basically didn’t know wtf Gorillaz was doing. Then, on the day before the US inauguration they drop the video for Hallelujah Money, a video punctuated with Orwellian imagery for a song that sounded like a funeral march. Benjamin Clementine took a prominent role while 2D took a backseat (a trend that would persist throughout the singles) and, after the initial excitement, fans began to complain. “What happened to the fast paced music Damon promised?,” “Where is 2D? This doesn’t feel like Gorillaz?,” “Why do they need to make their music so political?” This only drove other fans to passionately defend the song. There is still no consensus on this song/video other than the agreement that “it makes more sense in the context of the album.” My personal take is that whatever point this video was trying to make is obscured by their backtracking in the form of bleeping out any mention of Trump’s name on the album. Go big or go home. And at this point in the year I think we can say it- Trump fucking sucks, okay? Trump sucks.

Dylan leaks the album (Mid-March 2017)

This is like, probably my favorite story. By the time March was upon us, we knew the album was coming soon but we still didn’t know when. The album was like a cryptid, rumored but never found. And then Dylan happened. Now to clarify, he didn’t leak the entire album and he didn’t do it on purpose but he did leak more than we were ready for. After the tracklist leaked, fans began googling the songs on video sites like youtube and dailymotion. When one fan google’d “Saturnz Barz” on vimeo, they were met with a mysterious password protected video. A couple tries later (the password was “2017″), they had access to “Saturnz Barz” one month before the album came out. And they found more- “Charger,” “Busted and Blue” to name a few. All of which were uploaded by Dylan Byrne, a lighting  technician connected to Gorillaz who apparently didn’t know his private videos could still be found on search engines such as google. The fandom collectively lost its mind, some with excitement over the new music, others with indignation at fans who dare “disrespect Damon and Jamie” and that those listening to the leaks were going to be responsible for Humanz flopping. It was wild. Oh yeah, and I downloaded the leakz and Humanz didn’t flop. 

Giant content drop of 2017 (3/23/17)

I use this particular picture of 2D here because I that we, on some level, were all 2D by the end of that fourth week in March. I’m using the “Saturnz Barz” video release date because that’s when it all began. I distinctly remember waking up on that day expecting to listen to a Damon Albarn interview and some new tracks on a UK radio show but by the end of the day we not only had new music (4 tracks, specifically) and the interview but we were also blessed with the perfect “Saturnz Barz” video which featured the band in the starring roles, gave us “the bath” meme (though that’s more of a curse now) AND an upcoming announcement of a “secret show” set to take place the very next day where the live band would play the entire new album. I think this was also the period where we finally learned the album’s name and release date. It was so much. Too much, but a good too much. Everyone felt alive. Phase 4 had officially begun.

Mocaps (April 2017- present)

Gorillaz debuted many new ways to depict the band this year but by far the most hilariously amazing method was through motion capture, abbreviated “mocap.” 2017 was in many ways the year of the mocap, specifically, 2D and Murdoc mocaps. Mocap Murdoc and mocap 2D graced us with the weather, Deezer ads, app videos, multi-lingual announcements, and even walked us around the Demon Dayz tour. My personal favorite moment was 2D telling Murdoc he fed a stray cat a kinder egg. I also want to give a special shoutout to Murdoc’s wonky eye. There was a time when we were all trying to find meaning in it. Was it an artistic choice? Had Murdoc gone blind in one eye? Was he possessed? The truth is none of the above. It was just, in the true spirit of what the mocaps models came to represent, wonky. I don’t think we all truly gave the mocaps the credit they deserved. In my eyes they are on the same level as the puppets AT LEAST. And I maintain that their potential has yet to be truly realized- Mocap carpool karaoke? Mocap SNL skit? The possibilities are endless.

Murdoc and 2D answer fan questions....live (4/20/17)

This also falls under the umbrella of the previous moment but I think it deserves its own mention because this was like, peak mocap utilization. Fans were allowed to submit questions that would them be answered by Murdoc and 2D live while we all watched. Their VA’s not only improvised these answers but also finally got the change to live out their personal headcanons. This interview was the first time we ever saw wiggly Murdoc. Much essential information was learned in this half hour event- 2D knows how to make theremin noises! Murdoc said “meme” and “twerk”! 2D sold the geep! Cyborg Noodle has taken to cycling! A lot of you seem to think I’ve been critical this phase which, while totally true, it also makes me think you possibly weren’t aware of this blog at this time because I love this interview and died when it was first released. And then I continued to love each and every subsequent awkward interview they had with actual human interviewers. The first quarter of the year was great (for me).

Reddit AMAs with the entire band, Noodle, 2D (2017)

I wasn’t an active fan during previous phases but my impression is that they didn’t have as many q&a’s with the band as this phase. The characters were very accessible this phase and, as I’ve mentioned above, at first this was great! But nothing good it forever. The Reddit AMAs, while highly entertaining, soon came to contradict past events and even past answers to earlier interviews. For example, we learned during the band’s AMA that Cyborg Noodle was NOT actually cycling somewhere in England but decapitated and being used as a pot in Noodle’s room. What was the truth? Later on, 2D had his own AMA which was cute but yielded significant nit-picking and criticism from fans including myself. For me,personally, the 2D AMA was the turning point. I didn’t mourn the loss of Cass Browne with other fans until that AMA. The difference in writing was and is glaring. For that reason, I didn’t pay much attention to the Noodle AMA but from what I saw, similar debate over her characterization (or lack thereof) took place. Tbh, I can’t picture a Noodle that types out “YAASS GURL!!1″ (or w/e it was) unironically but...I’m happy it brought joy to some fans. That all being said, regardless of writing quality the AMAs did a great job of engaging the fandom and initiating some interesting conversations.

Fans miss 2D so much that he gets his own impromptu video (6/8/17)

By far the most frequent concern over Humanz was the “lack of 2D.” It was on Tumblr, Reddit, Twitter, pretty much all social media. Despite this, no one ever expected Damon and Co. do acknowledge this let alone actually respond to it. Then, out of nowhere, 2D makes an announcement on the Gorillaz app and there it is- “Sleeping Powder” an exclusively 2D music video by 2D, starring 2D and some dorky dance moves. It was 2D’s “Dare.” The song was cute and even had its place on the tour set list. And that’s the power of 2D. And everyone was happy until people started joking that “Sleeping Powder” was written in a day and was still better than all of Humanz, and others chastising everyone for “making Damon feel bad enough to write a new song.”

Strobelite (8/6/17)

I’m not going to get into “Strobelite” too much. If you were there, you know what happened and what it led to (a certain liked Youtube comment and the later, Noodle’s answer during her AMA). “Strobelite” was also hyped up as a the band’s first official mocap video (despite “Sleeping Powder’s” release a month earlier) but unfortunately, was underwhelming to a significant portion of the fandom. Reasons included but were not limited to: no Russel mocap, very little plot, very little Murdoc, rumored cut scenes that DID involve Russel, and, yes, controversial shipping fuel. I don’t think “Strobelite” charted nor do I remember it being involved in any promo. I actually don’t know what happened to “Strobelite” outside of the, um, for lack of a better word,the discussion it spawned. There were also many theories about what Murdoc was doing at the bar. To this day, we still have no answers. What’s the plot for phase four again?

Gorillaz in Media (2017)

This isn’t exactly a singular moment but I want to highlight it anyways because the length to which they went to make this phase an immersive experience deserves a lot of credit. Not one but two apps were developed, one of which gave fans access to the band’s home and hosted events such as live listening parties so that fans could potentially meet. The other provided new content, art and access to secret concert locations. BUT THEY DIDN’T STOP THERE. With one of their sponsors they were able to construct actual, real “Spirit House” models for fans to walk through. Additionally, the band is accessible through their own music mixes on Spotify, Noodle has an instagram, G Magazine etc. I’m going to fit in the amount of sponsors they had under this category as well because, as annoying as they were to some, it did give us some cool new animation and ads (”We Got the Power” comes to mind, along with the Lenz ad). They put in work, they really did (though the topic of social media  #justice4MurdocTube).

The Super Deluxe is never released...until it is (September 2017-November 2017)

I forget when the original release date was but what I do know it that it didn’t happen. Phase four slowed down in the latter half of the year, and I think this made everyone hyper-aware of what content was yet to come and that content was the Super Deluxe with *bonus tracks*. But then it never came. It was delayed until October, then October came and it STILL wasn’t there. Finally,in November, orders began arriving and songs were ripped and uploaded. Reactions ranged from elated to disappointed to simply confounded that the the entire thing cost around $400. You could say that it was very polarizing.

Honorable mentions

Humanz being released (I know, why isn’t this on the list? I decided against it because it leaked a week early  so by the time it WAS released mostly everyone had already heard it), Demon Dayz fest streamed live, “Garage Palace” surprise video drop, G Magazine, G-Foot pop up shop steal fanart, Fans strike the fear of god into the Gorillaz team for forgetting Russel’s birthday, Humanz revealed as the fourth album title, Gorillaz announce a TV show, probably more that I’m forgetting.

Anyhow, what a year. I like to stay vague about my personal life here but to keep it simple, despite everything happening the world, on a personal level, it was a good year. I did a lot of growing, got some really great feedback at my field placement, tapped into some new hobbies and recently adopted two cats, brother and sister, whose names I’m still deciding lmao (leaning towards Oberyn and Elia). So yeah...here’s to that. I hope 2018 treats us all well <3.

[rayadraws]

Hero FB adventures

This is the result of me, @jenny-opm, @shorthairsonic, @dibujos-de-la-orilla and @criscura talking about the concept of our boys (and their friends) using Facebook and what that might lead to... It led to a really fun discussion, so I’ve collected it as points here for anyone curious. It’s about 2.6k long so I’ll put it behind a Read More. Enjoy XD

Dr. Kuseno, being a technical genius, takes to Facebook like a duck to water, having no trouble navigating the site. However, he still acts like a stereotypical grandpa on there - when Genos posts a status along the lines of “Rainy day, perfect for a movie” Kuseno comments with “Indeed my boy, try not to catch a cold and send Saitama my regards. Kuseno.” He occasionally also teases Genos, such as sending him a photo of an electric whisk with the caption “your next upgrade is ready.” (In a misplaced attempt at being kind he tags Saitama in all ads for hair growth treatment he comes across… but at least he also tags him when he finds an unusually good sale)

It is actually thanks for a birthday post from Kuseno that Saitama learns when Genos’ birthday is the first time! He catches the borg sitting and smiling while looking a his phone, which is unusual - usually if he’s on the phone it's something from the HA, which normally has him frowning.

Neither Saitama nor Genos have a lot of friends on FB (to start with, at least). It’s mostly their closest friends such as King and Mumen. Genos also has Metal Bat added, who gives him (good natured) crap on near everything he posts.

Bang is the hopelessly confused Facebook grandpa, struggling to understand how it works. Poor Charanko does his best to help him… “How do I search here?” “You have to go to the search bar… No, that’s where you write your status” “My what?”

Once he does get the hang of it, Bang comments every time someone posts about themselves doing any sort of sporty activity with “Looking good! Ever think about coming by the dojo?” (It gets to the point that FB warns him for posting the same thing over and over and everyone is starting to suspect that his account has been hacked by a virus that just keeps promoting his dojo - poor Charanko is accused of setting it up)

Metal Bat SPAMS FB with videos of Zenko’s piano shows. Everyone knows about her recitals a week in advance because he keeps hyping it up. He also has a soft spot for posting glamour selfies.

Saitama posts a lot of blurry cat photos with no caption and sometimes food pictures. He posts at all kinds of random hours of the day, almost never answers anyone, his photos are low quality and he posts a lot of odd YouTube links.

Genos likes every photo of Saitama and uploads his own - somehow, Saitama always looks far less derpy in Genos’ photos (he’s studied all his best angles).

Genos has no shame and starts liking all photos of Saitama, going through every tag ever - meaning once in a while someone who went to high school with Saitama suddenly gets a like from Demon Cyborg on a photo taken 12 years ago. Unsurprisingly, people are SHOCKED at this and it takes them a while to figure out why - until they notice how he keeps tagging Saitama on his page. This is the only kind of interaction they get online with Demon Cyborg and people start tagging Saitama in photos in the hope of getting response from him. They slyly get photos of him in public and post and tag him in the hope of a response. As long as he’s awake (he’s a heavy sleeper) Genos likes them instantly, unknowingly rewarding his fans for their behaviour.

Genos never accepts friend requests from any non-heroes but Saitama sometimes does because “maybe that name’s familiar idk whatever” and some of Genos’ fangirls manage to befriend him on Facebook, consequently seeing his photos… causing them to just about spontaneously combust - “Did you SEE that photo of Demon Cyborg in an apron?!”

Genos notices this and tells Saitama that he is NOT to post his 124 bedhead pics of Genos to Facebook. Saitama forgets(?) and posts 53 of them anyway before he remembers he wasn’t supposed to. He tries to cheer Genos up - “But look at how many likes and shares they’re getting! This doesn’t even happen with the cat pictures!” Genos is not impressed to see his groggy-ass self on a million message boards (and tells Saitama that “...to be fair, Sensei, sometimes it’s hard to tell if they’re cat pictures.”)

Saitama is enjoying this game (not quite realizing the scope of this all) - sneaks a pair of cat ears on Genos, takes a photo and uploads, enjoying the storm afterwards.

Facebook suggests that Saitama upload a photo album that is just the same photo of Genos doing the dishes at slightly different angles and he’s like “why not” and posts that as well. This is followed up by a little video of him singing quietly and dancing a little while washing the dishes.

One day they come across a group of Demon Cyborg fans on the street who come up to them and ask if Genos could sign their photo books - they’ve printed a bunch of pictures from their FBs, full of like bedhead and apron pics (“Mr. Demon Cyborg sir I LOVED that video of you dancing with the mop!”). Genos can’t even process what’s happening and signs them with a stunned expression, while Sai takes one of the books, looking through it and pointing out his favourites. “Hey, I remember this one! Aw, dude, where’s this shirt? You look nice in it, I haven’t seen it in a while.” (“Mr Demon Cyborg I didn’t know you had feet slippers!” - a small part of Genos dies)

Saitama starts getting bombarded with requests on Facebook. “Get him sleeping!” “Get him laughing!” “Can you get him to pose in that white shirt, maybe with the ripped jeans?”

Saitama starts uploading little videos, such as himself telling Genos a bunch of puns as they go through a store. Eventually he figures out how to cut videos into clips and bombards Genos for two days to get “material”. It does get a bit overwhelming in the end however, so he tells the fans that he can’t take more pictures because his phone ran out of memory. To his despair, this leads to fans sending them shipments of memory cards, cameras and gift cards for even more stuff and it’s all very unnecessary. He even receives a brand new phone from “a fan”.

(The good side is, with all this training he is getting progressively better at taking pictures)

One day, the daily picture he uploads is very sad - just an empty chair with the caption “He’s at repairs” :(

Another day however, Saitama goes to upload a photo of Genos in his apron, but it’s… the wrong apron picture. He accidentally uploads a naughty pic, oops. It’s not the most obviously naughty one, not enough to get them banned from FB (and Genos has no nipples, anyway…) but it’s pretty obviously not meant for the public.

Genos is at first (rightfully) mad at Saitama… until they get like a million really nice apron lingerie sets in the mail. To get back at the other, he uploads a photo of a bare-chested Saitama - not at all prepared for the onslaught of “HOLY SHIT” responses, growing possessive instead of mad when the fans start screaming for more.

Saitama tries to take a good shot of himself but eventually Genos, even through being annoyed, takes the camera from him and gets a good picture. Fans ask for even more and a bewildered Saitama replies with “Um, sure?” uploading a half-naked bathroom selfie, where he’s still wet with a towel wrapped around himself. People go wild. (Genos can’t decide if he wants to delete the picture or share it so it’s on his wall as well. He is… conflicted.) (A less successful picture shows Saitama absolutely ripped, but unfortunately with a prominent double chin, like that time he played video games at the HA - selfies are hard…) (“Mr Saitama, can I request the ripped jeans again, but this time with you wearing them..?”

Unfortunately their shenanigans do not go unnoticed at they get called in to HA’s Public Relations for the umpteenth time. Their attempts at getting the heroes to take it down a few notches is made more difficult by them referring to Amai’s latest “I’m about to have sex” album cover as proof they aren’t out of line.

Amai Mask, in his defence, maintains that his pictures are “classy” and “done professionally”. Saitama responds with gesturing to a photo of Naked Apron Genos frying eggs - “This is classy!”. They continue with pointing out that more than likely, if they stopped, people would complain to the HA and they’d have to explain it was the HA who stopped them in the first place... (And really, the HA shouldn’t complain, Saitama and Genos are earning them so many donations….) "THEY CURED MY CANCER AND WATERED MY CROPS AND BLESSED MY CAT HERE'S MONEY" - “They did what now?!” - the HA representatives don’t even understand what this means but eventually lets it all slide. (The only one who understands the references is their intern managing the official HA twitter, but no one cares about their opinion…)

With all this material, Genos’ fan club is getting a lot more activity than Amai Mask’s, which doesn’t go unnoticed. Amai tries to upload “accidental photos” too in an attempt to become the centre of attention, but they are all obviously fake, such as “I woke up like this” pictures of him with perfect hair and makeup, nothing like Demon Cyborg’s messy hair and squinting eyes.

Amai tries again - “Oh no guys you won't believe this but, i was doing my make up right and omg my cat walked on top of my phone and took this photo of me lol” - someone digs up an old interview where Amai states that he’s allergic to cats (that someone is Genos). He also uploads a photo of a cup from Starbucks which has “To the prettiest guy I’ll see today” written on it and claims he got it (until someone points out that’s a photo from Google).

Meanwhile on Saitama’s FB page, a new video of an unaware Genos twitching in his sleep has just been uploaded, caption “look he’s dreaming shhh”

Saitama just happens to be awake late that evening and passes the time surfing FB, commenting “y’all never go to bed huh” when he sees the immediate responses - given how big Genos’ fanclub is, there’s always someone who’s awake. In fact, this video is more than likely to wake a number of fans up to scream over it. Saitama makes a little livestream showing off their cups as he brews himself some tea (“this is my cup. That one’s Genos’. We found it in a thrift store after he accidentally dropped the last one.” He finishes with showing Genos sleeping again and saying “see he’s sleeping now you all go to bed too”.

One day he posts a still picture of the sleeping borg, with the caption being just “I love him”.

It takes a while, but once the fans understand that their love is real and not changing, some of them start to (not always so) subtly suggest he should propose, such as tagging Saitama whenever a jewellery store has a good offer (they’ve picked up on his love for sales).

One day everything is quiet, then Saitama posts simply “He said yes” (or perhaps it’s just a picture of their hands wearing the rings) and FB EXPLODES. People ask for photos and Saitama replies with “All I got is him ugly crying oil everywhere” and the fans go “POST IT.”

After they’ve gotten engaged things get a bit more quiet, with Saitama just posting the occasional update like “he’s going to marry me” and “he’s going to be my husband”. “I want the date to be on his birthday but that’s too long of a wait” ,“he loves me”.

Fast-forward a bit. It’s been quiet for a while. Genos has barely posted anything but one day Saitama’s FB friends see that he’s been tagged in a picture that turns out to be a photo where Saitama appears to be passed out on the futon, drooling in his sleep and surrounded by empty pizza cartons. Caption “my husband to be”. (The picture completely blows up on FB)

Fans start speculating on their outfits, causing Saitama to sweat - he hadn’t planned that far ahead. He asks for suggestions and they end up covering the entire colour spectrum. He even enquires a little bit to hear if there’s anyone who’s a real actual wedding planner among their fans, it might work out…

In the end, they decide on a small private wedding, but Saitama does suggest he might be able to livestream it. He gives no date or anything to go by, however. In an attempt to keep it hidden, they end up hosting it at the dojo, hoping the stairs might also deter some potential invaders. (Bang is more than happy to host - maybe he can convince some people to join the dojo. The stairs aren’t a problem for the heroes, mostly - King does text Saitama with “I’m here can you pick me up” once he arrives at the bottom whereas Mumen handles them himself - but makes sure to arrive very early so he’ll have time for a shower before the ceremony. Saitama suddenly starts the livestream out of the blue on FB, writing “k its happenin!” and a bunch of fans tune in. (Hopefully Bang won’t hear about the livestream or he’ll start advertising on it, too…)

They get married!!

(Back to where we started - how does Kuseno react to all this FB shenanigans? Well, more than likely he doesn’t spend too much time on FB, but he does check periodically, probably catching at least a couple of the pictures of Genos sleeping and in his apron and whatnot. As always, he replies good naturedly - “glad you’re getting your rest son”.

Kuseno also has a habit of going full-on Geek and writing very long explanations regarding Genos’ body sometimes - such as explaining why he twitches in his sleep, or an explanation on how his cooling systems work in response to someone writing “WAAAHHH WHY IS HE SO COOOL” on one picture. Unfortunately, Kuseno doesn’t realize that his FB is set to friends only, so only Saitama and Genos see these comments…)

Bonus: Saitama occasionally tags Genos in pictures he takes of cheap bootleg Demon Cyborg merch he comes across, disappointing fans hoping to see a new photo of him, only to be met by his asymmetrical poorly painted face on an action figure. “It’s not even official merch…”

Saitama has a habit of buying the especially poorly made ones because “they’re funny”.

One fan asks one day if Demon Cyborg owns any merch and Sai uploads a photo of all the stuff he keeps in the apartment with the caption “And even more stuff at his docs”.

The fans are stunned - but some are also like “ok but where do I get these things?!”

"says he special ordered them or w/e" "oh this other one was from HA" "oh... he says it's out of stock" "he has the stock" ”Maybe if you ask him real nice. Doubt he’ll let go tho he only has like 278 of them” ”...he informs me he has 289”

The fans try to barter with Genos, such as offering to draw a NEW Caped Baldy posted in return for one of those charms. At this point Saitama is starting to wonder why he has to be the bridge between fans wanting Caped Baldy merch and Genos. Genos doesn’t seem to want to talk directly to his fans, but eventually agrees to use Saitama’s account, basically pretending to be him - the fans do eventually get their merch, but are confused as to why Saitama suddenly seems to turn a lot more serious and formal whenever it comes to merch talk (and is that 10 page terms of service really necessary?!) but at least in the end they get a super rare piece of merch not available anywhere else (because Genos bought them all).

[allenmendezsr]

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    Dear Crappie Fisherman,

The story I’m about to tell you contains the most important crappie fishing secret you’ve ever heard… and it might even change your life:

When the landmine exploded, and the shrapnel ripped into U.S. Marine (and master crappie fisherman) Joel Adam’s legs… his life changed forever.

As he lay broken and bleeding on the battle-torn ground of Grenada, he could only think of friends and family… his long hard life of “surviving”, and…

The Thousands Of Crappie He’d Caught Over 52 Years…

At that moment, he would have given anything to be in his favorite fishing spot… hauling in a “barn door sized” 3½ pound crappie with his buddies — like he’d been doing his whole life.

You see, Joel Adams was “born” with a crappie rod in his hand. I mean this literally because…

His Mom Gave Birth To Him While Fishing Rock Creek Lake In Dallas, Texas!

  (Click the green play button to hear Joel tell it)

It’s a safe bet that any lady who goes into labor while she’s fishing, probably teaches her son to catch fish before he can walk.

His parents were die hard crappie fishermen.

And they showed him every secret in their bag of tricks.

A bag of tricks stuffed with old country crappie fishing techniques, strategies, and secrets handed down through generations of survivalists and master fishermen.

His parents came from an inner crappie fishing brotherhood… and the inside secrets they taught Joel made him a fishing “prodigy” at a young age.

But teaching Joel about fishing was about the only positive thing they did for him.

He grew up in an abusive household, and…

He Ran Away When He Was 13 To Escape The Pain… And Live In The Wild!

When the abuse got bad enough, he ran away. He decided he’d have a better chance out in the wilderness… alone.

  (Click the green play button to hear Joel tell it)

… and that’s when his skill for catching monster crappie shot to another level completely.

He Survived On Self-Caught Crappie, And A Little Help From His Friends…

When you’re living in the wilderness at 13 years old… in a small tent… scared and alone… and the only thing you really know how to do is catch fish — you do it.

But there’s one problem.

Fish Don’t Always Bite.

… and when you’re not getting a single bite, you’ve gotta get “creative” — especially when you’re getting hungry.

Joel was forced to modify his techniques… doctor-up his baits… learn how a crappie thinks.

He discovered unique methods of triggering strikes, even when it seemed nothing would work.

Quitting wasn’t an option. Joel went to any means necessary to catch his next meal.

Even If It Meant Breaking The Law

Now, I’m not saying he broke the law… I’m just saying that some of Joel’s best techniques are so sneaky, so ruthless… and so effective for hauling in huge crappie — that the department of fish and game doesn’t know enough to shut them down.

My guess is: if they knew about a few of his “dirtier” techniques, they’d ban ’em immediately.

Luckily most of his stuff is just super sneaky, and perfectly legal. (But his “dark side” crappie fishing tactics are here if you want them. Use them at your own risk…)

Bottom line: his secrets work like gangbusters. Joel is living proof of this because…

He Survived.

He stayed alive in the bush for 3 years.

He never took help from his grandmother, even when she offered to take him in.

But she knew he couldn’t keep going like that. So she had her “friends” pull some strings to get him into the Marine Corps a little “early”… on Joel’s secret death wish.

  (Click the green play button to hear Joel tell it)

He was an emotionally damaged kid… and he dreamed of getting killed in the military, so he could die a hero.

He almost did when the landmine crippled him, but Joel defied the odds.

They said he’d never walk again, but the same determination he used to survive in the wild — even in the bleakest conditions — gave him the will and strength to walk again.

He even rejoined the military.

That’s when his pure love of fishing took over and…

He Joined The U.S. Navy So He Could Fish All Over The World!

… and fish he did!

His Navy career took him fishing all across the United States — from east to west, and all over the world — including the Mideast and Europe… and even to the mighty Amazon River.

He became a student of fishing again. He made it his primary “R&R mission” to seek out the local fishing gurus in every location he visited… and get their inside secrets for catching the local species.

If it swam in freshwater or saltwater, Joel caught it.

…and every time he got back to the U.S., he’d carefully tweak and test these new techniques… on crappie!

(Joel knows all game fish are predators. Whether it’s a crappie, a bass, a carp, a walleye, or a speckled trout… and all predators have certain tendencies you can exploit.)

He Transformed Into A Crappie Catching Scientist

In fact, he created dozens of completely unique methods for catching crappie — simply by modifying the techniques and presentations he discovered around the world.

But he wasn’t done learning…

He Loved Crappie Fishing To The Point Of Obsession

….and he wanted to take his skill to the next level.

So he crawled deeper inside the mind of a crappie when studying for his Masters Degree in Biology. (He used his G.I. bill to go to college…)

During his research, he closely studied the behaviors of predator fish.

And he used this knowledge to develop new fishing methods that “trigger” different behaviors in crappie.

He’s tested and fine-tuned these deadly techniques over years of fishing… and he’s added them his massive arsenal of crappie catching tricks.

That’s where you come in.

You Don’t Need A Biology Degree To Blow Your Fishing Buddies Away

You just need proven crappie catching secrets from someone who applies science to his obsession…

… someone who’s been a student of catching fish for over 52 years, all over the world. (… and who’s focused all that knowledge on catching crappie in the good ‘ol U.S. of A.)

… someone who lived in the wilderness and had to catch crappie by any means possible, or starve.

… someone who was born into the “inside” crappie fishing brotherhood…

…Someone Who Received A Large Sum Of Cash (From Me!) For Every Crappie Fishing Secret He Knows

My name is Dan Eggertsen, and I’ve been in the fishing education business since 2004.

To prove I know what I’m talking about, here’s a screen shot of what you’ll find when searching for “Dan Eggertsen crappie fishing” in Google.

Circled in red at the top of the page, you can see there are 117,000 pages of results!

I don’t show you this to boast or brag. I just want to offer some real proof that when it comes to catching big crappie, I’ve got information that will help you slam ’em at will.

You see, I’m always on the hunt for new (and old) crappie fishing secrets… straight from the mouths of guys hauling in boatloads of fish. (While everyone stares in stunned silence, wondering how they do it.)

Guys like Joel Adams.

… And I Discovered Him By Freak Accident

I was on the phone with a Georgia bait shop owner, and he mentioned an old crappie fishing guru living in the Cohutta wilderness. (in Northern Georgia)

He was talking about Joel, and I was fascinated. So I pulled some strings to get into contact with him… and he’s one of the nicest guys I’ve ever met.

We became fast friends, and after digging a few crappie fishing “tricks” out of him — I made a deal to pay money I couldn’t afford, for his entire arsenal of secrets.

So Joel revealed everything… in great detail.

He Spilled His Guts… Along With Every Crappie Fishing Secret He’d Ever Used

… and it took me almost 6 full months to suck this mountain of information out of his brain.

After seeing his techniques work with my own eyes, I’m convinced these tactics can transform any crappie fishermen (of any experience level) into a local crappie catching master.

But don’t take my word for it…

“…I Caught More Crappie In A Single Day Than I Ever Had Before.”

  (Click the green play button to hear A.J. tell it)

“Hey Dan, this is A.J. Bellard calling about your Instant Crappie Catching course.

Joel’s crappie fishing techniques are tried and tested… and it’s stuff many people would keep secret if they knew them. He’s been at it a long time, he’s tried so many things, and he is more than qualified to teach.

His “trial and error” techniques have minimized “dead time” out on the water where I’m not catching anything.

For example, I put some of his jigging techniques to the test, and I caught more crappie in a single day than I ever had before.

I had never caught more than just a few in a day… but with Joe’s techniques I caught a mess of them.

I was also impressed with his information on how climate and water conditions change the game. He covered each situation in detail.

He basically gives you a blueprint for how to adapt his techniques for any area of the country, and almost any condition.

Thank you so much Dan.

You’ve provided a wealth of information, and your integrity shines through in all the interviews you conducted with the fishermen in the course.

Just wanted to give you my thoughts.

Have a great day.”

A.J. Bellard Fayetteville, Arkansas

This is A.J. with the first one he caught using Joel’s techniques… the same day he broke his personal record for number of crappie caught!

And when you actually put them to the test…

You’ll Slam Your Limit Of Crappie Almost Every Time… Even When Other Guys Are Struggling

Joel has seen and done it all when it comes to crappie fishing, and he’s got an incredible arsenal of inside secrets for you.

Here are 3 quick examples of 164 different secrets he’ll show you for catching 2, 3, and even 4 times the amount of crappie you’re catching now. (And if you’re not catching any… this stuff will blast your catch count past most fishermen in your area):

“I Caught My Limit In Under 4 Hours!”

  (Click the green play button to hear Elliot tell it)

“Dan, this is Elliot Perkins calling to tell you my thoughts on your Crappie Fishing Course.

I can’t tell you how much time this is going to save me.

There are techniques in here I can use to get bites, even when I know there are crappie down there — but they’ve got a bad case of lock jaw.

His techniques work like a charm.

For example, I used one of his fish finder riggings with his vertical jigging technique off the end of a dock.I caught my limit in under 4 hours!

Plus I really enjoyed Joel’s personality. He’s a great guy, and I’d love to fish with him.

I’m very impressed with his strategies and techniques.

Thanks for providing such an amazing resource for crappie fishermen Dan.

Talk to you later.

Elliot Perkins Arlington, Texas”

Elliot’s crappie limit caught off a dock with Joel’s fish finder riggings and vertical jigging technique…

Just imagine the thrill these guys felt when they used Joel’s secrets, and had some of their best crappie fishing trips ever.

There’s nothing like the big “inside smile” you get when you’re the guy ripping crappie out of the water like nobody else… and your buddies give you that jealous stare, before demanding to know what your secret is.

… and the the look on your wife’s face when you casually walk in the house with the biggest stringer of crappie she’s ever seen.

I’m here to tell you this can all happen, because…

He’s Got Crappie Catching Tricks For Any Situation You’ll Find Yourself In…

Including all 4 seasons… whether you fish from a boat or from shore.

Here are just a few of the many secrets Joel will show you for each one of these situations:

Even If You Swear Your Spots Are “Different”…

Joel has fished for crappie from the East Coast to the West Coast, and almost everywhere in between… and he’s faced tons of “dead” spots where people were struggling to get a bite.

Sometimes it took Joel a few hours to “figure it out”. To reach way back into his bag of tricks and find the perfect techniques to find or attract them, put them in “attack mode”, and start triggering strikes like crazy.

Joel knows (as we all do) that a crappie is a crappie, no matter where it is in North America.

Whether it’s winter or spring… whether the water is murky or clear, hot or cold, deep or shallow…

Mother Nature has wired ’em all a certain way. You just need the right techniques and strategies for your specific situation… so you catch the daylights out of them.

And Joel has it all laid out so you don’t even really need to “think”. You’ll have a secret weapon for any situation, and any body of water.

“I’ve used his jig and spinner approaches to fill a big wire basket with crappie… in two hours.”

  (Click the green play button to hear Bob tell it)

“Hey Dan, this is Bob Bell.

I’m impressed with the crappie fishing course because it’s all encompassing.

It is also very well written, and could only have been put together by someone with extensive experience.

The information included can save people a lot of time because it lays out proven baits, riggings, and tackle for different locations and times of the year.

Joel sounds like a great guy. He’s believable, and a pleasure to listen to and read.

I’ve used his jig and spinner approaches to fill a big wire basket with crappie by myself in two hours. Of course it took me twice as long, 4 hours, to fillet all of them.

Just wanted to give you some thoughts Dan.

This is an excellent resource I’d recommend to anyone.

Bye.”

Bob Bell Hot Springs Village, Arkansas

An action shot of Bob Bell on the water, the same day he used Joel’s techniques to fill that wire basket with crappie… in 2 hours!

You’ll Even Out-Catch Most Local Guys In Waters You’ve Never Fished Before

Imagine taking a trip to a body of water you’ve never fished before.

Then you follow Joel’s simple guidelines to select the perfect presentation, technique, and strategy for your current location and conditions.

And because you’re using special techniques that tap into crappie’s inner instincts… you start blowing everyone else off the water.

You’ll feel the excitement and pride that comes with catching ’em like clockwork… and you’ll have the exact steps you need to find out what makes ’em “tick”.

Plus, you’ll save a ton of time trying to find them… and trying to “guess” what they’ll bite on.

“I caught a 3 pounder using his vertical jig fishing techniques with his recommended yellow and black feathered jig!”

  (Click the green play button to hear Eddie tell it)

Dan, this is Eddie Carlile calling.

I just wanted to give you some feedback on your crappie course.

I’m very impressed to say the least.

Joel’s got a great personality and he’s very down to earth. Most importantly, he held nothing back.

First of all, Joel has included a set of instructions to find crappie in any area, time of day, and season. There are also guidelines for exactly what presentations to use in your most common situations.

No more aimless searching for crappie. I know exactly where to go, what to look for, and what to use.

Over the weekend I used some of his night fishing techniques with jigs, and we got more bites that usual… and caught a lot more crappie.

I also used one of his jigging techniques to catch 30 in a single day… my best day ever.

But the best thing is… I caught a 3 pounder using his vertical jig fishing techniques with his recommended yellow and black feathered jig!

This course is so thorough that it leaves very little room for question. Other books and courses I’ve seen may touch on something you know nothing about, and leave you hanging without the details you need.

Your kit is very detailed with simple steps so you can understand everything, and execute!

Thanks for putting this together Dan.

Bye.

Eddie Carlile Abilene, Texas

There’s Nothing Worse Than Sitting For Hours Without A Single Bite…

… after you’ve tried different spots… after you’ve tried every bait you have… and you feel like you’re out there wasting your time.

Sure, some guys will tell you it’s OK if you don’t catch anything. That the most important thing is “getting out into nature”… and it’s not really about catching fish.

I agree with the “getting out into nature” part.

But if you’re like most fishermen, you go out to slam a motherload of crappie. Not spend all day moving… waiting… moving… waiting… without a single bite.

And Joel has all the secrets you’ll ever need to catch your limit quickly.

Secrets like:

… and then after you’ve used these (and many more — you’ll see them below)… and you’re sitting there with a pile of big crappie — then you can sit and enjoy nature… OK?

Just remember: because you’ll be catching lots of crappie consistently…

Almost Every Fisherman You Know Will Beg To Go With You… Even The Kids!

When you discover Joel’s inside strategies for keeping the bite going all day long, your fishing partners will reap the rewards too.

It’s fun as heck catching crappie, and you’ll be the guy everyone wants to fish with — because they’ll catch more with you.

You’ll build tighter lifelong friendships, and the kids will beg to go fishing with you constantly.

Now, it’s possible you already catch more crappie than you can handle. But…

Do You Want To Catch A Monster Crappie? Do You Want To “Own” The Local Record?

If you want to dramatically increase the average size crappie you’re catching… if you want to feel the spine tingling thrill of hauling in a 3 pound plus monster… Joel uses some sneaky tricks to find, attract, target, and trigger an all out attack on your bait from only the biggest crappies in your spot.

His monster crappie catching secrets are “unique” to say the least… and a few of them are downright “weird”.

And I never imagined they’d work this well…

“I have used some of the recommended jigs and techniques outlined in the course to catch our limit of crappie, many of which were over 2 pounds!”

  (Click the green play button to hear Deb tell it)

“Hi Dan, this is Deb Lovin.

I wanted to tell you about my experiences with your Instant Crappie Catching Course.

My fishing buddy and I have used some of the recommended jigs and techniques outlined in the course to catch our limits of crappie, many of which were over 2 pounds!

The strategies and techniques in the course can be used by both beginners and seasoned crappie fishermen to increase the number and sizes of crappie they’ll catch.

My experiences with the information prove this out.

Thanks for all this great information, and the many emails you’ve sent me in the past. I believe you sincerely want to help crappie fishermen catch more fish, and get more enjoyment from every trip.

Have a good one, Dan.

Bye.”

Deb Lovin Hickson, Tennessee

Deb with a couple beauties she caught using Joel’s jig recommendations and techniques… the one on the left is well over 2 pounds!

“I used one of his recommended soft body swimbaits with a weedless hook, and I caught a 3 pound crappie!”

“Hi Dan, this is Ontario Palmer.

I got your course, and it is excellent.

The information is so good and easy to follow, I feel like I’m fishing with a guide.

Joel has obviously been fishing his whole life for crappie and other species all over the world.

He knows their habits inside and out. And his stories, personality, charm and humor really keeps everything interesting.

In the past, I used one of his recommended soft body swimbaits with a weedless hook, and I caught a 3 pound crappie! At first I thought it was a nice size bass… but once I got it in I realized it was a crappie, and thought I had the state record!

It wasn’t the record, but it was still huge!

I’ve had a limited amount of time to fish lately, but I did get out to try more of his methods, and I caught 13 crappie between a half pound to a pound and a half (and a 7 pound bass) in less than two hours! That’s great for this area.

Dan, I’m impressed with you as a person because you’ve put together this great course, and you truly want to help people. That fact shines through in your interviews.

Have a good day and talk to you soon.”

Ontario Palmer, Madisonville, Kentucky

Orlando with a stringer he caught using techniques from the kit… in less than 2 hours!

Catching 100 Crappie In A Single Day Is Impressive… But Hauling In A Trophy-Sized Monster Is “Legendary”…

There’s just something about the fight with that monster crappie… and how he looks as you haul him up out of the water…

… how you’re buddies’ jaws hit the deck when they lay eyes on your prize.

The biggest crappie they (and you) have ever seen.

And it’s yours.

Everyone who sees what you caught will talk about it for years.

And Joel’s got the techniques that will help you feel that thrill. There’s really nothing else like it.

Here’s just 3 of the dozens he’ll show you.

And you can have every secret in Joel’s arsenal, right now…

After 2 Years Of Hard Work, Joel And I Have Completed This Step-By-Step “Instant Crappie Catching Tricks” E-Kit…

The “Instant Crappie Catching Tricks E-Kit” contains every secret Joel Adams has ever used. You’ll receive 6 downloadable manuals, a checklist, and 5 audio interviews with other crappie fishing gurus…

… and it’s unlike any crappie fishing resource I’ve ever seen.

Most crappie fishing books I’ve read are full of some good information… but they’re boring, and it takes forever to read through pages and pages of fluff.

The Instant Crappie Catching Tricks E-Kit is completely different.

Joel is a “no B.S.” type of guy from his years in the military… and from page 1 he jam packs it with hundreds of his best crappie fishing secrets.

No fluff, no filler, “no B.S.”.

You’ll be sucked into his insider crappie fishing world immediately because the information is completely unique…

And You Won’t Find Most If It On The Internet

This is because Joel’s had more crazy fishing experiences than almost anyone out there.

(In fact, I’ve never met anyone else who caught crappie for food while living in the woods at age 13… then fished all around the world in the Navy… then learned about scientific “predator triggers” as a biology major — and used them to catch crappie!)

Plus, every technique is beautifully illustrated and photographed with simple step-by-step instructions, so they are “brain-dead easy” to execute.

Here’s everything you’ll get in just a few minutes:

1. The Instant Crappie Catching Core Secrets Course Manual

The 121 page “Instant Crappie Catching Tricks Core Secrets” manual contains step-by-step instructions for unleashing Joel’s core secrets… including beautiful illustrations and photographs of every step, so you’ll know exactly how to catch more crappie the next time you go fishing.

Here are the secrets you’ll discover inside:

A sneaky system for catching 2 crappie at once with Joel’s brilliant double fish finder rig… with a twist! (This automatically targets the best depth in your spot with 2 baits that appeal to different crappie mindsets… so you almost can’t miss!) How to combine 2 “small fry” baits into a presentation that stimulates a crappies attack instinct… and gets nailed on sight! Why crappie (and bait fish) only swarm to certain fish attracting rocks… and how to locate these crappie “magnets” quickly and easily. (The best part is: once you find one, crappie will attack almost anything you drop down!) A sneaky method for following bait fish feeding patterns to locate schools of crappie locked in “predator mode”… and discover exactly what they’re waiting to attack. (This makes it easy to find loads of bait fish quickly… and wherever you find bait, you’ll find throngs of crappie!) How to start a scientific chain reaction (and crappie feeding frenzy) in any spot with materials you’ll find in your garage! (Joel discovered this powerful strategy over 30 years ago when fishing by a dam… and he’s figured out how to make it work anywhere.) A quick method for discovering what crappie species lives in your spot… and the exact strategy you’ll use to catch the daylights out of ’em! (Hint: There are only 3 species you’ll need to know about… and Joel will give you a different strategy for each, so you maximize your catches.) (Most guys don’t know what species of crappie they’re fishing for… and now you’ll have the inside edge!) How to fire up the crappie bite any time it dies down with 2 awesome strike stimulators that piss off crappie… and force them to attack! When to use each of Joel’s 4 minnow-hooking strategies to maximize your number of crappie strikes per hour… and increase your number of successful hook sets. 2 secret black crappie baits that trigger instant attacks! (There’s a simple scientific reason black crappie have different tendencies than white crappie… which is why these little-known baits work so well.) How to use Joel’s unique “double fish finder rigging” to serve 2 deadly presentations that destroy crappie at night.

How to make a “sure-fire strike indicator” using a guitar string and a piece of duct tape, so you can instantly detect even the smallest nibble… and catch him!

FACT: You’d be shocked how many crappie bites go completely unnoticed by experienced crappie fishermen every year. If the only thing you use in this course is Joel’s “guitar string strike indicator”, you’ll catch a huge percentage of crappie you would have missed… dramatically increasing your catch count.

A secret “supplement formula” that drastically increases the size of crappie in any private pond. (Joel was in charge of large stock ponds for 10 years on a large ranch in North Texas… and this secret produces a constant supply of trophy crappie in the 2-3 pound range!) How to use flies to trigger jaw-dropping “flying crappie attacks” during the spawn… and get a huge advantage over your buddies. (Joel will show you exactly what flies to use, how to rig them, and how to fish them… for the most thrilling crappie fishing experience of your life!)

How to easily predict daily crappie movement patterns based on the time of year… so you know exactly where they’ll be before they get there. (Every body of water is different, but Joel will show you his simple method for tracking and targeting crappie, so you’re always on top of them… even when the other fishermen aren’t.)

3 simple steps for finding the perfect “PH level” that big crappie love in your body of water… so you quickly hunt them down while other guys are wandering around aimlessly. (Most fishermen don’t even know about using water PH levels to find the big ones… and now you’ll have a huge inside edge!)

How to “light line” small sinking crankbaits during the pre-spawn so you slam crappie hand over fist… before the crowds come! (You’ll follow Joel’s steps to work the crankbait from “shallow to deep”, creating action crappie can’t resist…)

The single biggest secret for catching monster-sized crappie during the spawn… (Hint: this has nothing to do with your bait, tackle, or technique… and it’s a sneaky way to instantly increase the average size crappie you catch by 50%!) A little-known scientific phenomenon that drives crappie into hidden “honey holes” in the fall… and a simple strategy you can use to locate and assault these areas with a system of deadly baits. Joel’s amazing “multi-rod drift rigging system” that presents a variety of specially selected baits (at different depths) to catch crappie like clockwork. (Warning: make sure this one is legal in your area before you do it!) 2 simple “stained water” strategies for quickly discovering the jig types and colors that rile crappie into bite mode. (Murky water conditions dramatically change the effectiveness of every presentation… and now you’ll have 2 systems for finding the big winners!) Joel’s “theory of irregularity” for finding crappie locked into ambush mode… and exactly how to drift a helpless-looking bait in front of their noses, so it gets slammed immediately! How to transfer the force of your “pole jerk” to the hook in such a way that it stabs through the roof of a crappies mouth… for a solid and inescapable hook set! (This fool-proof technique completely bypasses a crappie’s paper thin lips, which are easily torn.) 3 deadly spinner baits that catch crappie like magic when using Joel’s “drop skip” technique. (These connect with subtle changes in a crappie’s mind set after the water has reached its high temperature for the year…) Why using a bobber can completely kill the crappie bite… and a little trick you’ll use to avoid this problem completely. Joel’s “covert operations” presentation that floats in under a crappies defense mechanisms… triggering a strike the instant they see it! (This one pulls amazing results when crappie are sluggish and easily spooked… as long as you’re using an ultra-light rod.) The only rod type you should ever use to catch crappie if you want to reduce the number of fish you lose by half! (Getting this right is extremely important because of crappie’s paper thin mouths, and their tendency to “bite lazy”…) A step-by-step casting technique (for spinning reels) that eliminates 99% of the friction on your line… so your casts fire out like a cannon shot — with pinpoint accuracy. (Imagine watching your casts consistently sailing 10 or 20 feet past your buddies… right into a far away crappie hot zone!)

3 winter “bite zones” that hold small schools of crappie wired to attack a specific jig type… as long as you use a slip float. (Only the best crappie fishermen in the country know about this one… and it’s deadly!)

How to make Joel’s “garbage bag chum” that can attract crappie from over 200 yards away… creating a feeding frenzy in your spot! (You’ll combine a specific type of meat with other special ingredients to quickly draw in hundreds of “ready-to-feed” crappie…) 3 simple steps for building a rod that “automatically” triggers strikes in 5 feet of water or less. (This rod is easy to use, catches crappie in dense cover, and it’s free!) A common outdoor item that can drive crappie away from your spot, and kill the action. (Most guys use this without even knowing…) An inexpensive item that gives you X-Ray vision through the water… so you can see underwater structure, obstacles, and even crappie! (This will give you a huge advantage for finding hidden crappie ambush spots… without using an expensive fish finder.) How to send a crappie attracting “scent trail” from a doctored-up jig that can out catch standard jigs almost 2-1! How to rig an auto-release sinker that saves your tackle, bait, and any hooked crappie when you’re fishing heavy cover. (It will only cost you a nickel, and it’s easy to setup.) Joel’s hot list of “weird” live baits that can out perform minnows by double in certain situations. 4 steps for setting up an “automatic bite indicating bobber” that instantly notifies you of the slightest nibble… and won’t project unnatural line tension to crappie. (Most bobber setups increase the odds of losing fish because they create unnatural tension on your line… causing crappie to release and escape.) A “minnow scales” secret Joel uses to release hundreds of sparkles into the water… triggering the “seek and destroy” instinct wired into every crappies brain. (FACT: when a minnow is attacked, some of it’s scales fall off and attract more crappie. Joel has figured out a simple method you can use to “simulate” this phenomenon… and catch over 100 crappie in a day!) A list of money-sucking fishing products that can also hurt your chances of catching crappie. How to use a common catfish bait to drive crappie into a murderous rampage, so they hammer your bait with a vengeance! How to use “dam currents” to quickly locate crappie holding zones. (You’ll use Joel’s step-by-step system to find them, and drift a “convulsing bait” through the area to trigger quick strikes from the largest crappies in the school!) Joel’s “one size fits all” presentation that can catch huge slabs of crappie in any body of water… in any weather. (IMPORTANT NOTE: this works best around brush, trees, logs, weeds, and man made structure.) How to get all the benefits of boat fishing – without any of the expense! (Joel lays out a simple strategy to fish crappie hot beds only accessible by boats… without owning one.) (Hint: you’ll also use this strategy to move in on crappie in complete silence… and have both hands free to fish while you move.) The “edge retrieval” trick that stimulates quick strikes when everyone else is catching crappie, and you’re struggling. (This one actually gives your bait a special “twist” that attracts immediate interest from crappie.) A 3 step system for stocking private ponds with crappie (and other species) to create one of the most productive fishing holes in your area. (Plus, you’ll get a simple chart that illustrates exactly how to introduce each species, so you build a self sustaining environment huge crappie thrive in for years!) A killer way to finesse any slider jig’s presentation so it attracts crappie with a natural pattern of vibrations. (These vibrations imitate the struggle of a dying bait fish, “ringing the dinner bell” for crappie.) Why certain weedless jigs actually prevent crappie from latching on… and a simple modification you must do to maximize the number of crappie you catch with them! How to “attach” an unbeatable color combination to any Marabou jig, for a wickedly effective presentation they can’t resist. The “dual-jig floatation” secret Joel discovered for catching a quick limit of crappie in any river. A common bass presentation that drastically increases your odds of catching trophy-sized crappie in sunny, clear water conditions. (Hint: this works like a charm because of how natural light reflects off of it underwater.) How to combine the crappie catching powers of inline and french spinners… so you get your limit before some people catch their first fish! Joel’s secret night fishing formula that starts an instant crappie “bait riot”. (Just drop your bait in the middle of the fray to catch 1 crappie a minute for half an hour straight!) 6 “fly baits” that destroy crappie when fished under the surface with a sinker and bobber! (Joel uses this method to “cheat”, and catch all the crappie he can handle in shallow water situations.) And a bunch more!

2. The Instant Crappie Catching Advanced Secrets Course Manual

The “Instant Crappie Catching Tricks Advanced Secrets” course manual includes Joel’s wildest, weirdest, and deadliest secrets… for crappie fishermen willing to do almost anything to catch huge slabs of monsters. WARNING: some of this stuff is not for the feint of heart!

Just some of what you’ll discover:

A weird “wobbling jig” that combines fluorescent coloring with dramatic movements to excite crappie in low light conditions — and trigger bites. (These can even steal attention away from other baits in the water.) A brilliant method for “doctoring” any worm so it triggers crappie strikes like minnows… sometimes even better! (Joel will also show you how to harvest over 1,000 worms in an evening too…) 5 “crack fishing” secrets for catching over 100 in a single day during the fall. (You’ll be thrilled when you’re catching 1 crappie every 90 seconds with these simple strategies!) The “quick rip” crappie fishing technique that destroys ’em around lily pads. (This takes a little practice, but the “rapid fire” catches you’ll get after a few tries are amazing!) How to use a secret combination of baits with Joel’s 4 rod spidering system to catch an unlimited amount of crappie! (This very specific 4 bait combo clicks crappie into “instant feeding” mode… but it’s only legal in some states.) How to attract instant attention from crappie over 2 pounds (and trigger aggressive bites) with Joel’s custom “worm rigging”! (You’ll follow 3 steps to make his “crappie worm threader” so you rig ’em perfectly every time…) The amazing “crappie pulling” technique any serious fisherman can use to almost guarantee a crappie limit — for everyone on the boat! (Joel got this from pro crappie fishing guru Roger Gant… but you must be in a boat with at least 3 people for it to work.) 3 critical things you must change about your fishing strategy to catch huge crappie in the winter, and get your limit almost every time. (Most people only change the obvious one… but if you do all 3 you’ll bang more winter crappie than almost anyone.) 4 simple steps for building a mass crappie attracting structure at the bottom of any lake or river… so you have a secret crappie hot spot you can milk for years! (No, you won’t be dropping down chum bags, christmas trees, or special bushes. Sure they work, but this works 10 times better — and hardly anyone knows about it…) How to create a crappie hot bed that produces spawn-like crappie action in the fall… with tomato stakes! An unusual parasite that can drive a school of crappie into a wild feeding frenzy! (Joel will also show you how to breed them by the hundreds with a glass jar, cereal, honey, some twigs… and Joel’s secret ingredient.) A rare minnow breed crappie are hard-wired to attack on sight! (Joel will tell you where to get ’em… and even show you how to “disguise” common minnows so they trigger the same violent reaction…) How to use a secret military technology to locate crappie hot zones in under 8 minutes… in any body of water, regardless of conditions. (Plus, you’ll discover how to get this huge advantage without spending an arm and a leg.) 5 “must have” night crappie fishing items that can blow your catch count through the roof. (You can get ’em all for under $15 total… and Joel will show you how to “systematize” them to rip crappie out of the water hand over fist!) How to turn your bait bucket into an instant crappie attraction device! (This can actually lure crappie out of crowded hot spots, and into your location in about 15 minutes.) A tiny critter that can trigger crappie bites… when all else fails! (This one actually works best when crappie aren’t in “feeding mode”… and nothing else is getting results.) How to tip a specially modified jig head with a wax worm to spur sluggish suspending crappie into action! The only maggot species that stimulates a crappie’s feeding instinct the moment they see it. (These maggots are like “crappie candy” because of their small size, unique color, and odd shape.) (Plus, Joel will show you his 7-step super maggot growing system for an unlimited supply!) How to use an aluminum can, rocks, and a secret ingredient to catch “jawed leeches” crappie love to eat. (These leeches can actually propel through the water, and they’re the only ones crappie bite on…) 4 horizontal swimming jigs that trigger a crappie’s “winter feeding mode”… dramatically increasing your catch count. An awesome bass bait that works wonders if you follow Joel’s “3 step prep” to gear them for crappie fishing. (Hint: you’ll discover how to add a little “rattle” that kicks the crappie bite into overdrive!) How to create a devastating drop shot rig that irritates the “crap” out of crappie in ambush mode… triggering quick anger strikes! And much more…

3. The Instant Crappie Catching Tricks Checklist

I’ve also included a simple checklist to make sure you hit all the best techniques in the E-Kit.

It was only after I put the finishing touches on the course that I realized how many techniques, tactics, and secrets were included. The checklist will be your guide.

Just follow it step-by-step to go through the information in the right order so you “get” the simplest techniques first… before moving on to the advanced tactics.

…and I’ve also prepared the following “surprise” bonus gifts for anyone ordering today, echo date(‘l, F j, Y’); ?>

BONUS #1: The Master Crappie Fishermen Secret Interviews Volume 1: Jerry “Quick Draw” Watts

Jerry has been crappie fishing for almost 66 years… and during that time he’s come up with some creative “quick crappie catching” techniques.

In this 47 minute interview you’ll discover:

2 jig tipping strategies you can use to create “irresistible attraction” to your presentations… drawing crappie away from other baits in the area — to yours! How to make a secret “Red, White, and Blue” jig (with a wiggling white tail) that mimics a desperate minnow trying to escape… practically forcing crappie to chase, and attack! A secret device Jerry and his wife used to catch over 100 crappie in under 6 hours during one of the hottest days of the year. (Warning: this is a little expensive, but well worth it if you’re a die hard crappie fisherman.) How to track the gradual pre-spawn crappie migration, so you target tough-to-find crappie bite zones using a slip float. (This is an easy way to catch your fill before the spawn… and the crowds.) The “easy pitch” system Jerry uses to slam a ton of crappie around brush piles and standing timber. (This makes it super easy to flip your bait on top of crappie waiting to ambush… with pinpoint accuracy!) A secret strategy Jerry uses to slaughter crappie a day before it rains… (Hint: you’ll take advantage of a pre-storm crappie behavior to “play” your bait right into their mouths.)

A tiny bait fish that can catch more crappie than any minnow by 10 to 1… but only if it’s dead! (Hint: you’ll trigger frenzied crappie attacks by putting 2 or 3 of these poor little guys on your hook after ripping their guts out.)

  (Click the green play button to hear Jerry tell it)

  Jerry’s “pitch, flip, glide” technique for triggering a strike on almost every try during the spawn. (This takes spawn fishing to another level completely because you’ll catch crappie more quickly and consistently than with any other method.) How to instantly catch a higher percentage of crappie that bite your bait with Jerry’s “float balancing” secret. Jerry’s favorite fishing line that is strong as steel, 99% invisible under the water, and so sensitive you’ll feel even the slightest nibble. (Hint: it’s a certain type of braided line… and you’ll use his special rigging to amplify these benefits, and catch crappie like crazy!) How to unleash 2 super successful night fishing techniques at the same time with two 7-foot rods! (This combines the power of both techniques so you catch huge crappie at will…)

How to exploit wind and sunlight to put crappie at a huge disadvantage… and catch them like crazy in 1 spot for almost 60 minutes.

A sneaky strategy Jerry uses after the spawn to “follow the mind” of a crappie as it adjusts to changing conditions. (This one will keep the bite going strong for months after the spawn!)

A systematic deep water fishing method that automatically discovers the perfect combination of presentation, depth, and technique for triggering the most strikes. (This automatically adapts to a crappies’ state of mind based on the current conditions… and it’s absolutely brilliant!)

A secret crappie fishing system Jerry discovered in the early 1980’s when he used a 9 foot fly fishing rod, a bobber, and a special jig to catch dozens of crappie between 1 ½ to 3 pounds… at will! (He’ll show you how to adapt this strategy to a standard crappie rod and trigger spin reel… so you fill your stringer with monsters.)

  (Click the green play button to hear Jerry tell it)

And more “quick draw” crappie catching techniques…

BONUS #2: The Master Crappie Fishermen Secret Interviews Volume 2: Rob Knight

God didn’t give Rob much… but he can catch crappie (and fix your plumbing) like almost nobody else.

  (Click the green play button to hear Rob tell it)

His uncles were big time fishermen and taught him everything they knew when he was a kid. And he’s been putting those skills to the test for 51 years… constantly refining his techniques… coming up with new ways to stimulate action when everyone says it’s dead.

He’s got the uncanny ability to sit in a crowd and catch the daylights out of them when nobody else can get a bite.

  (Click the green play button to hear Rob tell it)

…and he’s gonna show you how to do it to with information like:

How to use Rob’s “rapid fire crappie catching system” to slam a boatload of crappie before your buddies catch 1! (This is amazing… and all you need is a long fishing rod, a boat, 25 feet of water and some cover to catch all the crappie you can handle… without ever having to reel!) The “minnow skipping” secret you can use to trigger quick strikes from crappie during the hottest days of the year. (This one throws your minnow around like a rag doll… but it almost always gets nailed in under 15 seconds!)

How to give your minnows dramatic wiggling spasms so they get slammed a few seconds after hitting the water… almost every time!

  (Click the green play button to hear Rob tell it)

Rob’s “hot list” of crappie attracting plants. (He’s found certain plant types that attract more crappie than all the rest… hands down! Now you’ll get the results of his extensive testing so you can maximize the action in any spot.)

How to build a floating crappie catching platform using a stick, an inner tube, a piece of plywood, a wire, a broom handle, and a piece of duct tape. (This contraption automatically attracts crappie, and can catch your limit for you.)

A huge “technique mistake” almost every beginner makes that opens an easy “door of escape” for crappie… and can lower your catch count! (Hint: let the rod do the work…) The “pied piper” rigging secret that gently lures a whole school of crappie to follow your bait! (Then, you’ll rig a tiny round bobber from your boat… and “pump it” for quick bites.) 2 qualities your fishing net must have so it never scares crappie away. (Most nets can kill the action in a spot when they touch the water… but Rob will show you which ones to use, so you avoid this.) How Rob accidentally caught 50 bass over a downed tree when he was crappie fishing… and how you can reproduce this technique to “accidentally” catch your bass limit too! A unique rigging that forces your minnow into the “crappie bite zone” when fishing shallow cover. (This puts your bait in an ambushing crappie’s face… triggering a strike.) A simple drag setting secret that gives you “perfect balance” for fighting crappie every time your line hits the water. (Fact: you can increase your catches by 15-20% just by getting this right every time!) How to determine if your boat anchor is reducing the number of crappie strikes you get… and 2 things you can do to make sure your anchor is “crappie friendly”. How to modify certain jigs with a pair of needle-nosed pliers to attract bites from big crappie during the summer. (Hint: you’ll remove part of the jig and add a “flashy hook” to attract more strikes.) How to use 2 anchors and some 8 pound test line to catch a mess of crappie around any dam… on autopilot. (Rob overheard an 85 year old fisherman talk about this many years ago… and it works like a charm!)

The “pull and turn” technique that will free your tackle from almost every snag… without having to break off and re-rig! (All you need is Rob’s simple 3 step technique, and a pair of needle nosed pliers.)

How to use a bar of Coast soap to keep the crappie bite going strong in any hot spot… for hours!

How Rob and his best friend used pin floats and small jig heads to catch 27 huge crappie… one of which was almost 4 pounds! (They discovered this by complete accident, and he’ll show you to use it to catch the biggest crappie in your spot within 30 minutes .)

  (Click the green play button to hear Rob tell it)

And a bunch more…

BONUS #3: The Master Crappie Fishermen Secret Interviews Volume 3: Ron Kalasoski

Ron’s got over 50 years of crappie catching action under his belt… and he’s only 51 years old!

The guy was practically born with a crappie rod in his hand, and he’s gonna tell you everything he knows, like:

BONUS #4: The Master Crappie Fishermen Secret Interviews Volume 4: Jim Rice

Jim is just an old country boy who’s been a crappies’ worst enemy since he was 6 years old.

And he’s always been willing to do whatever it takes to catch his limit — no matter how difficult the conditions are.

  (Click the green play button to hear Jim tell it)

In his 1 hour 6 minute interview, you’ll discover:

The #1 mistake almost every beginner crappie fisherman makes that scares the “crap” out of crappie… instantly shutting the bite down. (Even if you’ve been fishing for a few years, there’s a chance you’re making this mistake without realizing it… ) 2 substances Jim uses as “jig dip” that transforms ordinary jigs into crappie attracting magnets! (If you ever wanted to get an inside edge, try “dipping” all your jigs with these the night before…) A “pole switching” tactic that can increase your crappie catch count by over 30%! How create the illusion your presentation is a mortally wounded baitfish struggling to survive, with a simple jig hook modification. (This instantly increases your bites, and it only takes a few seconds to setup.) How to catch a whole school of crappie in under 60 minutes by combining 5 deadly presentations! (WARNING: before you follow Jim’s simple instructions, make sure this is legal in your area because you’ll fish 5 poles at once…) How to discover (and follow) hidden “pathways” crappie use to move between forage areas throughout the day… so you have “go to” trolling zones you can hit all day long. A “jig stuffing” secret that stimulates 3 different crappie senses at the same time… so they tear it to shreds, and end up on your hook! (This is designed for soft hollow body jigs… tripling their effectiveness.) A pink curly tailed grub (with silver sparkles) that can catch a limit of crappie almost anywhere. A common deer hunting tactic Jim “modified” for hunting crappie in murky water… to catch them at will. How to change colors on a Charlie Brewer Slider grub to catch crappie 2-to-1 over almost any “out of the box” jig. (Plus, Jim will show you how to rig these killer grubs to pull through heavy cover with ease… so you never get hung up and waste time re-rigging.)

How Jim caught a 2 ¼ pound crappie while he was asleep… with his toe! (He’s going to show you what he did, and how you can reproduce his success to catch 1 monster on almost every trip!)

  (Click the green play button to hear Jim tell it)

A secret “dot modification” that instantly turns any inline spinner into one of the most deadly crappie fishing baits you’ll ever use.

A “bait stacking” system for rigging a single line with multiple “super baits” crappie will destroy! (You’ll also use Jim’s bait discovery system to fine tune your presentations… and drive crappie crazy.)

A genius method for rigging any kid’s balloon to “magically” float over the biggest school of crappie in the water… and follow them all day long! (75% of crappie fishing is about finding the fish, and this amazing discovery does it for you… automatically!) A long-lost bait Jim’s father used to become the local crappie fishing legend… and how you can modify any chicken feathered jig to re-create it’s crappie catching “magic”. (This one works best if you rig it 12 inches above a live minnow…) 3 steps for modifying a “shiney hiney” jig to catch the largest crappie in your spot… (It’s modified in such a way that it attracts all the attention from the big boys… so you’re the guy hauling them in!) A little-known crappie bait you’ll find in almost any road ditch (on rainy days) that catches ’em like dynamite!

The big mistake Jim made to lose a 3 pound “wall hanger” crappie he hooked… (Too many guys make this big blunder… and Jim will show you how to avoid it, so you don’t lose your next trophy catch.)

  (Click the green play button to hear Jim tell it)

A perfectly legal “crappie trap” that automatically hooks ’em, and reels ’em in for you! (Jim sets out a bunch of these to catch a quick limit while he takes a nap… and you can get everything you need for under $2.)

How to setup any curly tailed grub so it does a natural “wiggle dance” that draws crappie in… forcing involuntary attacks.

How Jim’s old fishing buddy out caught him 3 crappie to 1 with a hollow body jig, an ultralight rod, and a weird (but effective) technique… (Jim forced his buddy to show him the secret, and he’s used it ever since!)

  (Click the green play button to hear Jim tell it)

Fuzzy little “candy baits” all species of freshwater game fish hammer with reckless abandon… especially crappie! (If you haven’t tested these against minnows in your spots, you could be missing out on a huge advantage… and Jim will show you how to get them for free!) And more deadly crappie catching strategies…

BONUS #5: The Master Crappie Fishermen Secret Interviews Volume 5: Joel Adams

Since Joel is one of the most interesting guys I’ve ever met, I want you to get to know him through this special interview I did with him recently.

In it he tells the amazing story of his life, including: his childhood, his military career, and most of his wildest adventures and fishing experiences.

You’ll love it.

Here’s what he’ll tell you:

Why he got chased off the Egyptian Pyramids while in the Marines during Operation Blast Furnace. (Hint: this has to do with a popular children’s toy, the “Slinky”.) How he survived falling overboard into a huge school of feeding piranha… without getting a single bite. (He was fishing with a guide service in South America when a huge fish he hooked suddenly turned and pulled him out of the boat.) How he escaped torture by a band of angry Bedouins in Alexandria, Egypt… and why they let him go after burning his tongue with a hot spoon! How he successfully received 3 scholastic degrees: a PhD in Theology, a Doctorate in Naturopathy, and a Masters Degree in Biology. (It’s the Masters in Biology Joel credits for his uncanny ability to catch crappie like almost nobody else…) The only technique (and bait) Joel would use if he had to catch 100 crappie in a single day.. or die! (This one actually combines a secret “tied fly” with a marabou jig and a spinning rod… and it’s Joel’s “go to” method in almost any situation.) How he narrowly escaped attack by 3 hammerhead sharks that knocked him to the ground on the beach when he was fishing for speckled trout. How he mastered 12 different musical instruments…including guitar. (His favorite music includes oldies rock ‘n roll, old country, and bluegrass.) How (and why) Joel got into the Marine Corps under age. (He ran away from home at 13 years old to escape an abusive household… and he lived in the woods for 3 years.) How he brings hope to millions with his good work at the American Cancer Society, the U.S. Forestry Service, the March of Dimes, and the local prisons.

How a small idea transformed into an amazing A-to-Z crappie fishing course filled with Joel’s unique secrets.

  (Click the green play button to hear Joel tell it)

The single reason Joel was able to catch crappie from the east coast, to the west coast… and everywhere in between.

How he saved 35 people from death by the time he turned 18. (He did it all in a 5 year period in the Civil Air Patrol… and he got 5 prestigious civil defense awards.) The key role Joel played when he helped retrieve a U.S. destroyer that was captured by the North Koreans. (This all happened when he was in the 5th Marine, 3rd recon battalion.)

Joel’s military adventures in Grenada, Beirut, and Operation Eagle Claw in 1980.

How he caught a 35 pound carp with a kite string, a hook, and a piece of bread. (He was only 4 years old, and the thing nearly pulled him into the water!

  (Click the green play button to hear Joel tell it)

  How Joel ended up in a small town with a population of 20. (He still lives there, and it’s only connected to the rest of the world by a small dirt road…)

The full story of how Joel stepped on a landmine in Grenada and was told he’d never walk again. (He proved them all wrong… and even went back on active duty.) How Joel shattered his knee and hip in 1999 and was told he’d be a cripple… and how he proved them all wrong… again. And more wild and crazy stories…

BONUS #6: The Master Crappie Fishermen Interview Transcripts And Workbook

This manual contains full transcripts of all 5 interviews, so you can read everything you heard.

This way you won’t miss a thing, and you’ll easily absorb all the techniques these crappie masters reveal.

Plus, there’s a workbook included that asks questions about the major techniques revealed in each interview.

Just fill in the blanks to make sure you “get” each secret.

BONUS #7: Simple Step-By-Step Solutions For The Most Frustrating Crappie Fishing Problems Q&A Manual

This manual contains solutions to 34 of the most common crappie fishing problems and mistakes.

I’ve been keeping a log (over the last 5 years) of the major crappie catching “sticking points” and “slip ups” being made over and over again. Things that prevent people from catching lots of crappie.

Joel addresses each problem area and presents a solution for each… complete with detailed steps and illustrations.

Just follow the information in this manual to remove unknown barriers that may be hurting your ability to catch crappie.

Here’s what you’ll discover:

BONUS #8: The Quick And Delicious Crappie Recipes Of A Gourmet Chef

Joel graduated from Scottsdale Culinary Institute in Arizona, interned at K-Pauls in New Orleans, and owned his own restaurant in Key West, Florida.

The bottom line is: he’s a gourmet chef, and he’s put 30 of his best crappie recipes into this cooking manual titled, “The Quick and Delicious Crappie Recipes of a Gourmet Chef”.

Heck, just a couple of these delicious meals (using crappie you caught with his techniques) can more than pay for the course.

Just some of the delicious recipes included are:

Whew… that’s a lot of stuff.

…and the main course (including all 8 bonuses) will be yours today for a low price that may surprise you.

Why The Instant Crappie Catching E-Kit Is Not $149.95 Today… And Why It’s Way Less…

My plan for this course has always been to print and bind it into 5 manuals and workbooks, along with 5 physical CD’s.

But before I pay thousands of dollars to have 100 courses printed (the printing company has a 100 unit minimum), I had to make sure there was demand for this information.

So I put the entire course into files you can download to your computer quickly and easily.

That way I won’t have to pay any printing costs (for now)… and you can get the whole course for the low price of $39.95. Plus you can start using the techniques immediately.

Today, you’ll get immediate access to the entire Instant Crappie Catching Tricks E-Kit in it’s digital form. It includes:

…and these 8 free bonus gifts:

�� That’s $339.50 of value when you add it up.

Now, when the physical version of the kit is ready for shipping, I’ll give my customers a discounted price of $149.95 + $19.95 shipping and handling.

But, today, you’ll only pay $39.95 because you’ll download everything. (there are no physical printing costs… and you won’t pay any shipping and handling.)

The response to this offer from crappie fishermen (and women!) of all experience levels is making my head spin… not only because hundreds of fishermen are ordering, but because of the amazing feedback I’m getting:

“…we caught over 100 crappie each after throwing all the small ones back.”

  (Click the green play button to hear Tip tell it)

Hello Dan, this is Tip Quillin calling you about your new crappie kit.

It’s a great resource for many reasons. First, because it gets into the actual nuts and bolts of “how to” do things.

Most books and magazines don’t break things down into easy to follow steps.

Second the course gives you all the tools you need to be prepared for almost any situation that comes along. It gives you multiple”plan B’s to add to your arsenal.

I also think Joel has a great personality, and he’s so likeable it makes it easy to go through the course. He’s a natural born teacher.

I actually used one of his jig baiting strategies to get the bite going again after we thought it had died completely.

Both of us caught our limits after we started using the technique.

To be honest, we caught over 100 crappie EACH after throwing all the small ones back.

I just wanted to tell you what I thought of the course Dan. It is exactly what you say it is.

Thanks a lot, and have a nice day.

Tip Quillin Mountain View, California

Tip “prepping” in his “office” the night before a crappie fishing trip

“…One Of The Crappies Was The Biggest I’d Ever Caught…”

  (Click the green play button to hear Ralph tell it)

“Hi Dan this is Ralph Wheeler calling.

I got your Instant Crappie Catching Tricks Course the other day, and I was very impressed with the information included.

I used some of the methods Joel laid out in the Advanced Course Manual to catch 36 crappie in a day, which is the most I’ve ever caught at one time.

It was the jig sizing system and minnow drifting techniques that did it.

I’m also happy to report that one of the crappies was the biggest I’d ever caught. It was just over a pound, which is very good for this area.

I’ve had a lot of rough fishing days in my past, but since I got the course I know exactly how to find them using the crappie location system included.

The course is exactly what you say it is!

Thanks a lot Dan.

Bye.”

Ralph Wheeler Haines City, Florida

SPECIAL NOTE, UPDATED echo date(‘l, F j, Y’); ?>: Many people who purchased the Instant Crappie Catching E-Kit today want to purchase the physical course too. (when it comes out)

So… I’ve decided that anyone who gets the E-Kit today will also get a special deal on the physical course when it’s released (if you are interested)…

I Can Only Guarantee The Special Price Today, echo date(‘l, F j, Y’); ?>, Because I’m Printing The First Batch Of Physical Courses Soon…

… and then the price will go up to $149.95.

When that happens, this “E-Kit” version won’t be available anymore.

Now is the time to do this for only $39.95 instead of $149.95.

And if you’re on the fence, I’m giving you 60 days to see (and try) every secret for yourself before you decide it was money well spent.

60 Day, Risk Free, 100% Money Back Guarantee… With A “Twist”…

Once you place your order for the Instant Crappie Catching Tricks E-Kit today, you can get a full refund at any time (for any reason… or no reason) within the next 60 days after you place your order…

… and I’ll let you keep the Instant Crappie Catching E-Kit anyway. (including all 8 bonus gifts)

Yes. You heard this correctly.

If you’re unsatisfied with the product for any reason (even if this downloadable version isn’t being sold anymore), just send me an email and I’ll refund every penny of your $39.95 on the spot… no questions asked.

And you get to keep the course anyway.

This is more than a guarantee, it’s my personal promise to you.

“The jig presentation and color guide section of the kit was pure gold…”

  (Click the green play button to hear Mark tell it)

Hi Dan, this is Mark Bellsuth calling about your crappie fishing course.

The course is like no other combination of books I’ve ever seen. There is so much information any crappie fisherman can use to make a trip successful.

It illustrates, step-by-step, many unique methods of attracting crappie and turning them into aggressive predators, even if they seem hesitant to bite at first.

The jig presentation and color guide section of the kit was pure gold, and I can see how this information will create more opportunity for crappie strikes too.

I used some of the drift/jig patterns in the course, with a live minnow to catch my biggest crappie ever.

It was 15 inches, big for my area and experience. I actually thought it was a small catfish at first because of the fight.

I caught it on a drop-off.

I’m impressed with your information Dan, and you’ve proven yourself a trustworthy person by the amount of information you’ve supplied.

I have no doubt you are a true sportsman that wants to share successful techniques with all of us.

Just wanted to tell you what I thought. Have a good day.

Mark Bellsuth Michigan City, Indiana

Why is Mark happy? He’s got all the tools he needs to catch crappie anytime he wants, thanks to Joel’s techniques.

If it’s hard for you to part with $39.95 (even though you’ll be saving $110 plus the $19.95 shipping charge everyone else will pay for the printed course), I understand.

Times aren’t always easy, and most of us have felt a “cash crunch” at one time or another. That’s one of the main reasons I’m offering a downloadable (and more affordable) option first.

Of course, as a small business owner selling educational fishing products, I want to sell more of these kits. And setting a low price of $39.95 is accomplishing that goal.

But the biggest reason for the discount is: when you have Joel’s brilliant crappie fishing secrets in your hands, I’ll feel good when I hear about all the fish you’re catching.

I’ll be thrilled to hear how the secrets of a real American Hero (and all the other guys on the interviews) helped you catch your biggest crappie ever… and how good he tasted!

Crappie Are Darn Good Eatin’ Too — “Save” Your Money Back After Just 2 Crappie Meals

Remember, you’ll also receive Joel’s gourmet crappie recipe book for free. (On top of everything he’s done, he’s also a gourmet chef… he even owned his own restaurant down in Florida for a few years.)

So if you’re trying to justify spending $39.95 (or you know your wife will give you hell for it…), just print out Joel’s recipe book and say, “Honey, I’m going out to catch a bunch of crappie with an old U.S. Marine’s fishing secrets… and when I come back we’ll cook ’em up and eat ’em… for free.”

It’s easy to see how just 1 or 2 of these gourmet crappie dishes (using crappie you caught) will more than pay for the $39.95 you spend on the course today.

And if you make a habit of it (why wouldn’t you? …crappie is delicious!), you could argue that getting the Instant Crappie Catching Tricks E-Kit could save you a lot of money over the years.

It’s So Easy Even A Computer Illiterate “Old Codger” Can Download And Use The E-Kit… Watch This…

Just click the play button below to see how easy it is to purchase the course (and use it) from my secure server today:

Your Ordering Information Is Safe And Secure… And Your Downloads Are Verified Virus-Free…

Most cases of identify theft are caused by businesses that use unsecured servers to process payments over the Internet.

The Instant Crappie Catching Tricks E-Kit is a different because I use one of the leading secure Internet retailers: CLICKBANK.

They process millions of dollars in transactions every day, and use advanced data security technology — making it impossible for your information to be compromised.

Heck, they even remove your payment information from their system after your charge goes through. This eliminates the chance anyone will get ahold of your information.

Plus, every piece of the Instant Crappie Catching E-Kit is scanned twice a day to make sure they are 100% virus free.

I really can’t see how ordering on the Internet could be any safer than this…

Finally, I sincerely want to thank you for your time.

I feel a brotherhood with every fisherman I meet, including thousands of my customers all over the world.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned about fishing… it increases the quality of your life.

Being in nature with a fun and exciting purpose lowers stress, creates happiness, builds positive relationships, and gets people out in nature… in all that fresh air and beauty.

You could say that fishing is one of the secrets to living a long and healthy life.

And when you’re catching crappie hand over fist, almost every time you try, your confidence in fishing (and life) soars.

I have no doubt the crappie fishing secrets of Joel Adams, a U.S. Marine and American Hero, can give you all this and more.

I love what I do because it brings joy to guys like you… and if people are catching more fish, it brings them closer together.

That’s what we need in the world now… more than ever.

Gone Fishin’,

Daniel Eggertsen

President and Founder of Old Fishing Secrets

P.S. When you order today you’ll get: The Instant Crappie Catching Tricks Core Secrets Manual ($39.95 Value), The Instant Crappie Catching Tricks Advanced Secrets Manual ($39.95 Value), The Instant Crappie Catching Tricks Checklist, and these 8 free bonus gifts available today: (1) The Master Crappie Fishermen Secret Interview Series Volume 1 ($29.95 Value), (2) The Master Crappie Fishermen Secret Interview Series Volume 2 ($29.95 Value), (3) The Master Crappie Fishermen Secret Interview Series Volume 3 ($29.95 Value), (4) The Master Crappie Fishermen Secret Interview Series Volume 4 ($29.95 Value), (5) The Master Crappie Fishermen Secret Interview Series Volume 5 ($29.95 Value), (6) The Master Crappie Fishermen Secrets Interview Transcripts & Workbook ($59.95 Value), (7) The Simple Step-By-Step Solutions For The Most Frustrating Crappie Fishing Problems Q&A Book ($29.95 Value), and (8) The Secret Crappie Recipes of a Gourmet Chef ($19.95)… that’s $339.50 of value for just $39.95 today. (While it lasts…)

P.P.S. Remember, I can only guarantee the $149.95 $39.95 price for the downloadable version of the Instant Crappie Catching Tricks E-Kit today, because I’ll be printing copies of the physical course soon… and I’ll no longer offer this downloadable version.

P.P.P.S. If you’re worried the wife will get mad at you for getting the Instant Crappie Catching E-Kit, remind her: when she uses Joel’s gourmet crappie recipes to prepare all the crappie you catch… you’ll save more than $39.95 in food costs after just one or two meals — especially if you have kids!

“I actually caught a 2 pound crappie in Badin Lake with one of Joel’s strategies for fishing around rocks.”

“Hi Dan, this is Dale Wallace calling.

I wanted to tell you how impressed I am with the amount of solid information in your new crappie catching kit.

I’ve already put a few of the tips to work and we’ve had great results.

I actually caught a 2 pound crappie in Badin Lake with one of Joel’s strategies for fishing around rocks.

There’s so much more to go through in the course, I’m sure the best is yet to come.

Take it easy Dan.

Bye.”

Dale Wallace Norwood, North Carolina

Just one of the many crappie Dale has caught using Joel’s systematic method for fishing around rocks.