#and also has been beat to death so idk why i’m making a post abt it lol

[astrababyy]

ik this topic has been beat to literal death but btw nesta is, at most, three years older than feyre. elain herself is like one or two years older. the way discussions surrounding who is accountable for what happened pre-acotar with the sisters, you’d think nesta and elain were at least five or six years older than her, but they were all really young.

nesta and elain didn’t let feyre do anything when they were all actual teenagers. and even if that weren’t true, it’s not either of their responsibility to control what feyre does. the only valid critique about their behavior pre-acotar was that they were ungrateful and used all the money feyre got for them. even then, it’s not a great critique because those two weren’t characters before the last act in acotar.

the only person that can be blamed for feyre hunting is their father. he is the father. he should’ve been taking care of them. and we can go into a whole debate on whether we should be blaming him anyway because of both his disability and the state of his mental health at the time, but none of that is relevant for this conversation because nesta and elain aren’t at fault.

it’s so weird that the fandom holds them accountable for this (mostly holding nesta accountable but yk) when they have no responsibility over what feyre did or didn’t do. would it have been nice if they were more appreciative and less insufferable during those scenes??? yeah. but also- nothing they did was like criminal behavior lmao. they were just annoying, and nesta is like eviscerated by half the fandom for it.

[wrongwaterbicycle]

Hi! Fav moments from each member of the gang? (Here from your analysis- you hurt me in a good way)

u've opened a can of worms anon bc im fully abt to give u five moments for each and an additional 5 Group Moments. this was hard to narrow down and there is so much sunny that i def left some gems out but thank u for giving me smth fun to do lmao. in no particular order bc im not THAT strong.

this is an extremely long post.

DENNIS-

in high school reunion when he's wandering through the gymnasium just shouting at nothing in particular bc hes still making his dramatic exit but has run out of things to say

the scene where he's trying to flirt with that girl by telling her abt how his sister farts a lot and he like cant figure out why it isn't working

"superman? oh, cool, well he was the original."

his face when opening the rpg. the way he hides behind it so no one else can see him but mac. thats good shit.

BOYS ARE OUT TONIGHT, HUH

DEE

everything she does in mac and dennis manhunters. every single thing.

the way she just unhinges her jaw and screams at the top of her lungs when shes talking about lighting that girl on fire in college

when she pushes the flight attendant away w her foot in gang beats boggs

"JUST GET IN THE GODDAMNED CAR YOU FAT FAT ASS FAT FAT ASS"

this

MAC

his dance in mfhp. nothing is better than that.

"GOD DAMN IT, I DONT KNOW HOW TO EXPRESS MYSELF UNLESS THROUGH ANGER AND PERSONAL ATTACK!"

i'm pretty sure charlie (macsboys) pointed this out in a tag but i have never stopped noticing it- every time the gang has a chugging contest in the history of the show mac loses. what a baby man i adore him.

his whole speech to god in goes to hell. like even in what he thinks is a seriously important moment he is a Straight Up Fool, talking to god abt song and dance and shit.

every interaction he has with either of his parents on the show but most specifically the dynamic with him and mrs. mac, like when he tells charlie about how she leaves a cigarette burning outside the church he sounds about 8 years old.

CHARLIE

chicken sandwich no beak..... no beak i love him sm

all of his songs. how do i narrow down charlies songs??? you cant. i can't. no one can.

instead of just saying like hes thinking out loud or having Thoughts or whatever when mac and dennis ask him why he's talking to himself in spies like U.S. he ??? makes up that story abt a spider living in his ear and sending him his thoughts????? his fucking mind.

how can i neglect to mention WILDCARD BITCHES YEEEEEHAW

"great, i was hoping you'd say that. let's kill ourselves."

FRANK

the couch is his most iconic moment so it's going first, i don't care if that's overdone tell me you didn't nearly choke to death laughing the first time you saw it

the entirety of the ongo gablogian bit

his ferry tour ???? when he says the schuylkill river is full of strange creatures and dead bodies ????? like he isn't wrong

the go for it song!!! ever since that post about it recently i've been noticing it pop up in other episodes and i never realised how often frank is just.... go for it go for it go.... go for it go for it go..... the most obvious one is in PR nightmare i think bc it's the FIRST thing that happens in the cold open

"YA UNZIPPED ME! IT'S ALL COMIN BACK YA UNDERSTAND?! IT'S ALL COMIN BACK!"

okay and honourable mentions of Group Moments

the end of the gang escapes 🥺 theres no fakeout dee just. gets the steak. she gets to bite the steak first. i love episodes that end on a gang vs. the world note.

"the bar is where we belong, we can hide from the world at the bar!" gets me every time. like it sure is charlie.

dee and frank teamup episodes are always fun to me idk, any time frank has ever said "that's my girl" on the show i cried. but also it does very much make me realise he's never had one of those moments with dennis. let's just stop thinking abt that for now-

hucking rocks at trains 💕💞💓💖💕💞💕💓💕💖

OBVIOUSLY i have to mention near the end of goes to hell pt.2 where they all hold hands, accept death as long as it comes while they're together, and then physically fight each other to get to safety when they realise there's a way out. if that's not their whole group dynamic idk what is.

thank u sm anon and if you made it to the end of this post your reward is u get to watch charlie's butt dance. which also is one of my fav gang moments.

[holdurown]

🐺RULES OF WOLVES REVIEW🐺

hey so i uh. finished the book last night and here are my thoughts

disclaimer(s): this will be long and also probably incoherent. if you have different opinions that’s great, and i will be glad to hear them, just please do not be mad at me. some more important things to know might be: a) i read this in a very short period of time so my brain is a bit overloaded and that might affect my perception of the plot. b) i don’t care abt the darkling, i basically never have

also spoilers obviously

alright, let’s start with stuff i didn’t like so we can get that over with:

THINGS I DIDN’T LIKE

i really hate the trope of big bad gets defeated and it’s really narratively and emotionally satisfying and then they just...get brought back. it cheapens the end of ruin and rising for me. that was the one time i felt anything for the darkling, when he just wants to be remembered right before his death. but then he gets brought back. and i’m like 😒 ok. so i didn’t really enjoy his chapters, i don’t enjoy him as a character, and i thought his chapters stalled the plot.

the plot pacing...maybe it’s just because i did a speed run through it, but there was maybe too much going on? like the characters were doing totally different things away from each other, so some parts felt rushed. it felt like some important scenes were cut for time. one example is when david dies. we leave off with genya saying she can’t find him, and then we go to zoya’s pov at his funeral. but zoya was somewhere totally else right before? anyway, some parts felt like they were just there to wrap up loose ends, and i was kind of skimming

i could’ve done with a little more on zoya’s feelings for nikolai. like her internal monologue. we got a little bit of it, but between her realization that it’s ok to love people and let them in and the scene with their kiss, i could’ve used a bit where she was like, “oh, i need to tell him now.” a scene where she’s kind of realized that she deserves him?

this is minor, but i really thought we would get a scene between jesper and leoni where they talked about his mom’s sacrifice, idk i thought it would’ve been a nice full circle moment

WHY DIDN’T WE GET THE NINEJ REUNION IN NINA’S POV?! IM GOING TO ******* *** yeah i really wanted that

at the end, i felt like we were missing some kind of emotional climax. i don’t know exactly why i feel this way. i think it’s because the battle with zoyadragon happens and then we go straight into nikolai making a bid for queen zoya. maybe the emotional climax was supposed to be the darkling? idrk

aaaaand that’s all i can think of for that

THINGS I LIKED (OR LOVED)

the emotional beats felt very similar to fire (by kristen cashore) in some places and that’s my favorite book. the idea of pushing people away because you’re scared of the grief of their death? go read fire!

that zoya ended up on the throne. i liked it a lot, it just feels right

hannina, because i’ve been gunning for them since king of scars came out and i couldn’t find fan art or fics or anything, they are so underrated. i could talk abt them forever. the idea of nina being able to heal from the pain of matthias’ death and move on with someone else? i loved it. i think sometimes fandoms have a hard time coming to grips with the idea that people can love more than one person in their lifetime

hanne trans rep! i think this storyline was developed well, even though i kind of wanted them to be able to run wild and free in the countryside. ruling a kingdom seems stifling, but that’s just me

nina bi rep, and you know what? we get such shitty bi rep in ya fantasy, i’m still recovering from whatever the fuck sjm did. thank god for nina. the best bi rep in any ya fantasy i’ve read so far💖💜💙

that brief interlude in ketterdam. was it necessary? maybe not, but it was one of my favorite parts. i just breathe a sigh of relief when i’m around the crows again

genya and zoya and alina and nina’s friendship. i already said it in a post, but well-written female friendships are surprisingly hard to find in ya. friendship is inherently romantic! zoya holding up genya after david. zoya’s feelings for nina in contrast with how nina thinks zoya feels about her is just (👩‍🍳💋)

SO WHAT NEXT?

i don’t think we’ve gotten any news abt a sequel, so this is probably the end of the grishaverse for now. what i want most of all is a collection of short stories from different povs all around the grishaverse. just one chapter little slices of their lives. here’s some possibilities i was dreaming up

inej taking down a slaver’s ship, being a pirate, in her element

hanne and nina on vacation from ruling, maybe riding horses, just some fluff

jesper and leoni meet, it would be emotionally charged, they would talk abt his mom and she might start teaching him more fabrikator things

nikolai and linnea opjer? just linnea opjer? i’m so curious about this character

kaz waiting for inej to sail into the harbor. he’s by the docks, he has some kind of present for her. them bickering? sitting on a roof together? idk i just want to live in kaz’s pov when he’s thinking about inej

what are the khergud soldiers up to?

nikolai’s off doing diplomacy things, being charming, in his element, but then he comes back for zoya’s surprise birthday party. this would just be so good

reunion of the crows?

i’ll probably think up more. they could essentially be like one-shot fics, but i want leigh to write themmmmm

to finish, here are some parts i highlighted

hmmm i wonder what this reminds me of... “I would have come for you. And if I couldn't walk, I'd crawl to you, and no matter how broken we were, we'd fight our way out together-knives drawn, pistols blazing. Because that's what we do. We never stop fighting.” oh yeah that’s it

this whole rant was such a mess i’m truly sorry if you made it this far

[superangsty]

👉🏼👈🏼 ive been fixating on spirk lately and would like to talk abt it, if you were being sincere in your tags

fsdgfh honestly when I want to talk about something it’s mostly just me SCREAMING bc that SCENE man that SCENE. Like, the rest of STID is garbage especially when they brought Kirk back with Khan’s blood like what was that??? Why did they do that?? Also I feel like the first two films of AOS are really missing the whole crew being like a family and made it instead about a bunch of beautiful straight people having awkwardly written personal issues.

FIRST THINGS FIRST: required reading is of course Henry Jenkin's thing about The Glass. I tend to assume everyone has read it but if you haven't. Get on that. Here it is:

When I try to explain slash to non-fans, I often reference that moment in Star Trek: The Wrath of Khan where Spock is dying and Kirk stands there, a wall of glass separating the two longtime buddies. Both of them are reaching out towards each other, their hands pressed hard against the glass, trying to establish physical contact. They both have so much they want to say and so little time to say it. Spock calls Kirk his friend, the fullest expression of their feelings anywhere in the series. Almost everyone who watches the scene feels the passion the two men share, the hunger for something more than what they are allowed. And, I tell my nonfan listeners, slash is what happens when you take away the glass.

Anyway all I'm saying is that no matter what JJ Abrams thinks he CAN'T recreate WoK because he doesn't UNDERSTAND WoK at the necessary level.

But with regards to STID so like okay at a very basic level you've got two things which are 1) Spock having Big Feelings and 2) the knowledge that Vulcans kiss with their hands and these two things on their own were enough to make 14 year old me watching it in the cinema for the first time feel ABSOLUTELY INSANE like for real I've been chasing that high ever since. And when Spock starts screaming? That's the Good Shit. 

Also sidenote there's this theme park nearby (ish) called Thorpe Park and I went there on school trips a couple of times and there's a ride there called Rumba Rapids and the music they play in the queue is really not relevant but its fun and when I was 16 I suggested to my friends how much funnier films would be if it was playing during sad scenes so one time we watched STID and when we got to this scene we turned the volume down low and the rumba rapids music up high. Not relevant to this post, but I just Unlocked that memory while I was thinking about this and I wanted to share.

Just gonna preface this by saying that Spock's death in WoK is obviously a lot more compelling than Kirk's in STID because in AOS JJ Abrams has this obsession with making Kirk the big hero who's so amazing and brilliant and is carrying the entire world on his shoulders so of Course he would give up his life to save the ship (and when you think of the parallels w his father doing the same it becomes even more about him trying to live up to his father's reputation and idk! I feel like it cheapens the sentiment!). Meanwhile the original films they'd moved past TOS's kirk-centric vibe and it was about the crew working together bc they're a family and it's about Spock! Who'd run away to try and escape all these feelings that had come from the enterprise! And it's like yes he can explain his decision with the 'needs of the many' logic but at the end of the day he is doing this to save the people he loves and EVERYONE knows it.

One thing I will say in STID's favour is that the lead-up to this scene with the repetition of the "Better get down here. Better hurry." line from WoK is excellent mostly because Quinto is a much better actor than Shatner and you can see how INSTANTLY he understands it's to do w Kirk as opposed to Shatner looking over at Spock's empty chair and being like huh. Wots all this then. Also I like the way Quinto Spock runs I think it's funny :)

The next part when Scotty's like blah blah decontamination whatever after Spock asks him to open the door like sure okay I can get behind Spock being so overwhelmed that his common sense flies out the window but what I DON’T like is that it's only them down there. Where is the Drama of the entire engineering department watching Kirk have a meltdown over his best friend dying? Where's Kirk needing to be held back by three people because he's so desperate to get to Spock? Where's Scotty saying 'he's dead already' and the life just DRAINING out of Kirk? In STID it's just like "open the door." "can't do that." "yeah okay whatever."

NEXT BIT: Their dying conversation. In WoK Kirk and Spock have known each other most of their lives. They don't need to say much bc they just Understand each otherand you see that! When Kirk is finishing Spock's sentence and when Spock says "I have been and always shall be your friend" which seems a lot more meaningful than STID Kirk and Spock going "I want you to know why I went back for you" "Because you are my friend" and yeah it still HURTS but it's like. They don't have the history they don't have that enduring kinda love they just have a couple of years of being vaguely passive aggressive towards each other and it's still nice for Spock to realise like oh this is friends! This is a friendship! But Kirk's death just doesn't seem as tragic!!!

That being said. There ARE some raw lines there like "I'm scared Spock. Help me not to be. How do you choose not to feel?" "I do not know. Right now I am failing." Like that's IT that's the GOOD SHIT it's been nearly 8 years and I still think about it all the time. And again I can't say much for Chris Pine but Zachary Quinto's acting is MILES ahead of Shatner's and the crying! Spock crying! It's So Much!!!!!!!! And I like the music. I like the long shot of their hands meeting between the glass. It's very cinematic which while missing the campiness of WoK has it's own charm.

I like in WoK when Spock dies and Kirk slumps like he's lost every last bit of energy he had, like he's dying too, however I ALSO very much like in STID when Spock just fucking. Screams. And then goes and runs on a train and beats up Benedict Cumberbatch. I feel like it's fitting that Kirk dying kinda untethers him and lets him just absolutely lose his shit. I love seeing men beat each other up.

This has gone on much too long. Sorry I guess it just turns out I have Thoughts and this is probably barely skimming the surface but it's 9am on a Thursday and I have class in an hour but I've been sitting here rewatching the scenes and typing out this rant. As I said I really don't think I have anything original to say but like. Here ya go babe

[violetpeso]

new book update! If u want to see the original post on it here is the link:

Ok so first of all characters. I decided violet is going to look like me:

Her best friend is going to be named leslie like MY best friend @l-peso and is going to look like HER:

shoutout to miss leslie toe she is pretty as fuck. Ok so continuing — I gave my book a WORKING TITLE. This may not be the final title but I felt like I should have something to call it. The working title is Serendipity Says. It’s referring to the clairvoyant, whose name will be Serendipity (as of now). What she says happens, so, there you go. Serendipity says.

serendipity — the occurrence and development of events by chance in a happy or beneficial way

ex. “a fortunate stroke of serendipity”

Actually, it’s kind of perfect because it’s kind of symbolic of how violet meets casino boy (who I now named axle) by chance which leads to him sacrificing himself for her in the end. It’s funny, because I didn’t try to find a word that would fit like that. I was just like hmm what should I name my book and then literally out of nowhere my brain was like “serendipity says.” What’s crazy is that I didn’t even know what serendipity meant (although of course I recognized the word). I searched it up and was like woah this actually fits PERFECTLY. Wow maybe I should keep it as my final title actually but we’ll see.

Ok so in other news I figured out why she goes to Vegas. So by the end of chapter one she finds her mother dead 🤭🤭🤭 and she kind of loses her marbles and goes to the bank pretending to be her mom and withdraws all of her mom’s life savings — let’s say $30,000. She then goes over to Leslie’s house and is like ayo we gotta get the fuck out of here NOW. So Leslie’s family is basically a bunch of deadbeats so they just take her family car and dip. They don’t rlly have a destination in mind, but they just kind of end up in Vegas. The first major scene in vegas will be when violet meets serendipity the seer. So anyways in the casino w Axle:

So before I continue let me just say that serendipity gives violet some kind of charm and she’s like “keep this for good luck” or smth like that. It’s rlly important to violet bc she knows serendipity is the real deal bc 1. What she said abt her life was accurate as FAWK like frighteningly accurate and 2. She moved the tarot cards over without touching them on some freaky shit. So yea after they sneak into the casino violet leaves the charm somewhere w her stupid ass and while she’s looking for it the guards spot her and they’re like u gotta leave bc she’s underage and shit duh. But she’s like no I can’t I can’t my charm thingy!! (Idk what it will be yet). So they’re like trying to drag her out and she’s screaming and shit and this is where Axle comes in. He’s basically like let her go it’s ok blah blah. Ik how sweet. So he’ll find her charm thingy for her but he won’t know why it’s so important to her obviously. And yea like I said in the original post violet ends up betting all of her $30,000 bc of some coincidences that happen to match up w what serendipity says blah blah it’s in the original post if u wanna see what I’m talking abt. So yea I’m p sure this will like put her over the edge and make her lose every last marble she has left. For some reason or other she stays in Axle’s room for the night and like breaks tf down bc she’d been running from her moms death this whole time but it finally catches up to her. And yea that’s part of the romance I just love putting girls through trauma and having guys witness that shit I gobble that shit tf UP as u can tell

So leslie is basically the badass friend. Her family situation has always been shitty so she’s rlly pessimistic and like idgaf type beat. Violet is the opposite. She’s rlly optimistic and happy go lucky and la la la u feel me. BUT that’s until tragedy strikes and she finds her mom dead and she loses all her marbles. Then their roles are kind of switched, and leslie becomes the more normal one here.

Ok so back to the title violets arc will be like after her mom dies she kind of loses her marbles and shit yk but by the end she’ll realize that there’s still good in the world. After axle sacrifices himself for her, she’ll realize that her mom wasn’t the only one looking out for her. And she still has Leslie and Mr. Homeless. Basically she’ll kind of get her optimism back. Hooray for bittersweet endings!

So basically the point of this post was to say that although theres tons of shit idk yet I’m basically ready to start chapter one. (Not rlly but kind of). Ik that chapter one will be violet and leslie hanging out and then at the end violet will go home and find her mom dead. But idk what they should be doing. As soon as I figure that out I should be ready to start writing! (Or at least prepare to start writing). Hooray!

I’d love to hear suggestions from y’all! Hmu or say smth in the question box! Also as a side note I’d love to beta someone’s work so hmu for that too!

Ciao 💋

tag list: @l-peso @shaelinwrites @violetwrites @justaburnedoutskank @littlebitofwitchery @your-local-book-worm345 @coffeeinthelibrary @vwritesblog @madmaxst26 @amarantine-amirite

[autisticburnham]

Past Tense Parts 1 & 2

Boy, rewatching this in 2020's gonna probably be a fucking trip

Trill has purple seas and Bajor has green ones???

They really named a Ferengi Belongo, huh?

Quark looks so fucking floored that Ben knows the Rules of Acquisition

Christ, forgot the cops wake Benjamin by pushing a gun into his shoulder

The dude thinks Ben and Julian are wearing matching pajamas. He thinks they're a couple

Business Man really almost walks past Jadzia

I know literally everyone who reviews this episode comments on this, but definitely not a coincidence that the men of color immediately get arrested while the white woman gets whisked away into some high class fantasy

2020 does definitely highlight how crowded and underfunded the sanctuary districts are, not to mention the fact that I seriously doubt they get any medical care, just how quickly disease could kill all these people and how little anyone would care

Business Man, you're white as fuck, you having a Maori tattoo isn't impressive, it's gross

Discount? I wish I could say government databases charging government employees for running searches and giving them ads was surprising

This guy sitting next to Ben is so sad he won't let him draw on him

Welcome to beurceacy, Julian

Christ, the cop is so condescending

Uncle, doesn't this Gabriel Bell hu-man look exactly like Captain Sisko?

Oh, Benjamin, I wish riots did start a watershed moment in history

I like to think that more than Benjamin being a history buff, Bell is one of his personal heroes

"Benjamin "power stance" Sisko triple dog darring this dmv worker to call them out for writing their birthdays 300 years in the future" @jvlianbashir 's post lives in my mind rent free

Gross that this lady is like "oh, you're not mentally ill? Well, then, I'm so sorry for not treating you like people"

"It's not that they don't give a damn, they've just given up. The social problems they face seem too enormous to deal with" that may be sharply resonant with the average person, Ben, but it's starkly clear that the people in power do genuinely not give a damn

You know what? I'm actually thrilled that disco is exploring exactly Julian's question as to whether or not humanity has really changed and how the Federation would react to a devastating crisis. Like, I know that that's ds9's whole theme as well, but it's going to be so fucking nice to have a hopeful Star Trek message about the future during this fucking year

Love Julian immediately trying to throw hands with Hat Man for beating someone up

I feel like there's a not so subtle element of racist assholery to Hat Man sarcastically asking "Oh, have we done something to offend you?" abt beating the dude up

Julian, you are too tall to sleep width wise in this alley

Controversial opinion, but Julian's homeless trash is the best outfit he wears

The sanctuary districts existing at all is disgusting, but the fact that there are babies here is horrific

Hell, yeah, dude! Class solidarity!

Christ, the hard cut from the sanctuary district to the business party isn't subtle at all

Those protests in France are undoubtedly a good thing, Business Lady

Granted, I'm white, so I could totally be out of line here, but I actually like that two of the Business People are poc, and that they're just as much privileged assholes as the rest of the Business People. I feel like despite the implications of institutionalized racism with Ben and Julian immediately being arrested, this helps subtly showcase that a very large part of the problem is capitalism bc there's not solidarity between poc if that lack of solidarity can help some of them get rich

Love Julian's tos style double fist punch

Fucking gross that they know that the government killing thousands of sanctuary city districts residents will mean absolutely nothing if the government can "justify" it with the death of like 5 government employees

I love how charmed Miles is by Nerys wanting to yell at Starfleet

"Right now, this ship is all that's left of Starfleet" the disco writers really like this episode, huh?

Class Solidarity Guy's kid just said that this whole thing started bc a guard got in a fight with a dim. Of course it's the fucking cops that escalated the situation in the first place

Of course white ass Hat Man is just trying to personally benefit himself rather than help all of the people here and also has no problem escalating the violence

I don't like Hat Man, but I do like his line "Why do they sound so surprised? You treat people like animals, you're gonna get bit!"

Of course Business Man is friends with cops

I broke my nose...

The solution isn't to get everyone jobs, it's to make it so that having a job isn't a requirement to be treated like a human being

Cop, you're a huge part of the problem for so many fucking reasons, not the least of which is your being a class traitor

"In the interest of friendship," I'll allow 10,000 people to be fed

Ds9 is largely good abt criticizing capitalism, but I do dislike the "I don't want to rely on handouts! Give me the right to work myself to death"

Listen, I know DMV Lady is trapped in the capitalist system as much as anyone else and that if she tried to help more people, she'd probably end up in a sanctuary district herself, but. Her story about helping that one lady gives me Slitheen DoctorWho "I spare one person every now and then so that I can convince myself I'm a not a monster for murdering millions" vibes

I do fucking love her "Everybody tells themself that, and nothing ever changes" in response to Julian telling her it's not her fault tho

✌🌼

Well, their dad shouldn't have been a class traitor then, Bernardo

"Change takes time" "You've run out of time" Tell her, Ben!

Jadzia Dax, coming out of her sewer to shame mankind

Gross that Hat Man is coming on to Jadzia despite how uncomfortable she obviously is and doesn't stop until he realizes she's "with" Julian

Can you imagine if Jadzia had gotten hurt here? Imagine you're a doctor getting ready for surgery and you find a giant slug in a woman

Idk why, but "Invisible" Man gives me Neelix vibes

I do like how Julian and Jadzia work with the frame he understands and just ask him to give the combadge back. "Shockingly," treating him like he's a valid person makes him agreeable

Business Man, you're rich enough that breaking the law won't even mean shit for you

Christ. "The public are starting to view them as people! We have to kill them all now before it gets any worse!"

I like the cop making fun of Julian for liking tennis

Aw, I forgot Class Solidarity Guy died

Forget matching uniforms, Benjamin's actual pajamas are gay culture

"How could they have let things get so bad" 🙃

Groundbreaking, lifechanging, whatever the rest of that Lady Gaga quote is. 100/10

[edwardsvirginity]

And now... I introduce my best friend to Eclipse! 

--0000000--

[riley’s first appearance]

Friend: who's that

mike?

(the rest of the commentary for the movie is under the readmore!)

--0000000--

[bella reciting the opening monologue: some say the world will end in fire…]

Friend: wow…drama queen

--0000000--

[Edward and bella in the meadow]

Friend: is this real or is this more of her crazy headspace

--0000000--

Edward: marry me

Bella: I have an English final

Friend: wow……. Rude

--0000000--

[Charlie grounding bella]

Friend: charlie…. is the only sane character tbh lmfao

he knows an abusive relationship when he sees one

--0000000--

[Edward sabatoges bella’s truck]

Friend:  Y I K E S

A B U S I V E

this is not romantic lol

--0000000--

Renee: I just want to make sure ur making the right choices for you

Friend: she's NOT

--0000000--

[renee gives bella the quilt from all their trips]

Friend: awwww

except she's selling out her fam for bloodsuckers

--0000000--

[all the cullens wait for Victoria in the forest]

Friend: is it whatshername

the redheaded bitch

--0000000--

Friend: i'm just gonna say….alice and carlisle are the only valid vampires

Me: whyso?

Friend: idk anything about jasper and emmett, edward is weird, who else even is there

--0000000--

Me: [pauses movie because a spider has appeared by my head and I’m freaking out]

[it lands on my laptop and I scream and close it]

Ok… we can resume

Friend: what happened?

Me: [explains]

Him: ? ? ? why didn't you kill it?!

Me: killing it requires getting close enough to touch it, and that's Too Close

i don't kill spiders

anyway

Him: what?!? lmfao

you don't kill spiders

Me: killing them is too scary

Him: i'd rather kill it and know it's dead than wonder where it is

wow

me: i just scream until someone else comes to do it for me

him: that's a lot to take in

--0000000--

[jake confronting Edward about being on their territory]

Edward: I was trying to protect u by not telling u abt Victoria

Friend: mmmm yikes

bella just needs to move tf back to florida

this is….Too Much

--0000000--

[bella goes to lapush]

Friend: tbh i like his pack

--0000000--

Leah: if ur here to torture jake some more u can leave

Friend: oooooh

burn

--0000000--

[movie introduces imprinting]

Friend: tbh i think that whole concept is insane™ and i dont get it

bc it like absolves you of your own…actions

& removes the other person's choice

it's really fucking creepy

--0000000--

Friend: also it would be soooo weird to be able to read people's thoughts

Me: i know it would freak me out

i would hate being able to hear everything my packmates thought

Friend: i don't need anyone else to know how horny i am

--0000000--

[Jacob arguing with bella about the cullens]

Jacob: theyre not even alive

Friend: "they're not even alive" y i k e s

--0000000--

[riley creeping in bella’s house]

Friend: man i'd be sleepin with a shotgun lmfao

& like 12 dogs

--0000000--

[Edward yelling at bella abt bella disappearing with jake]

Me: he’s so overprotective

Friend: she needs it tho

Me: because she's such a danger magnet?

Friend: um….yeah

& she is a fucking damsel in distress

she has no power of her own :((

--0000000--

Friend: he's so…ugly

me: Edward?

Friend: yeah ……….

--0000000--

[Jake appears shirtless]

Edward: doesn’t he own a shirt

Friend: “doesn't he own a shirt"

LMFAO edward voicing my thoughts

--0000000--

[Edward kissing bella before passing her off to jake, who immediately hugs her]

Friend: the way they …. fight with each other by using her body :|

--0000000--

Friend: what do native americans think of this?

Me: [explains]

Friend: so what is the redeeming quality of these movies exactly lmfao

Me: they’re… fun?

Friend: i guess

like indiana jones

racist trash, but fun(?)

--0000000--

Me: I hate his sideburns in this movie

Friend: don't think they're that bad

his whole face tho is not great

especially pale af

--0000000--

[nonconsensual kiss scene]

Jake: ill fight until ur heart stops beating

Bella: u wont have to wait for long

Friend: YIKES

--0000000--

[Edward and Jake fighting post-punch]

Jake: she’s not sure what she wants

Friend: Y I K E S

--0000000--

[Carlisle bandaging bella]

Friend: carlisle is so hot

i wanna marry dr. carlisle

the way he medicines everyone up…

wow

 [..]

edward is useless

seduce Carlisle

 [..]

edward's been alive 100 years and hasn't become a doctor??? c'mon

--0000000--

[Rosalie killing her rapists]

Friend: LM FAO

love that

W O W

that's a more interesting story than bella's LMFAO

--0000000--

[Rosalie trying to convince bella to stay human]

Rose: there’s one thing you’ll want more than Edward… one thing you’ll kill for… blood

Friend: ohhh….

SHE REAL

--0000000--

Friend: & also bella's assumption that Edward is That Great

she's 18….. she hasn't even TRIED college boys

 [..]

has she even had sex with anyone, ever?

--0000000--

Friend: Evil Dakota Fanning is ….. scary af

--0000000--

Friend: i'll say what i want about stephanie meyer being a fucked up mormon…. but her music taste is p good

Me: she didn’t do the soundtracks

Friend: ummm…i remember stephanie meyer specifically thanking Muse in her books

in the "acknolwedgements" section

 or did you, the twilight princess, not read that part

--0000000--

[graduation party]

Friend: I feel like there should be a twilight spoof..

where a high school girl has to choose between dating a furry and a goth

bc that's what this feels like to me

--0000000--

Friend: he freaks me out

the beefy one

--0000000--

[training scene]

Friend: jasper's kinda sexy too

well, everyone looks good next to robert :|

--0000000--

[jasper’s backstory]

Friend: jasper was a confederate soldier?!?!??!

what?? lmfao

confederate vampires? thanks i hate it

--0000000--

Friend: didn't he have like a life and morals before becoming a vampire or

i mean i guess he's a confederate so maybe not but

--0000000--

[jasper’s backstory]

Friend: he just listens to her lmfao

his Evil Mexican Bruja

--0000000--

[about Victoria]

Friend: she should just make someone sexy a vampire and fuck them tho

she has the power here

--0000000--

[about Jacob]

Friend: is there a REASON he never wears a shirt?

--0000000--

[Jake trying to convince bella she has feelings for him]

Jake: you can love more than one person… like sam, Emily, and leah

Friend: thruple!

that's the only resolution here

jacob & edward need to fuck each other and get over it

there's too much tension between them

--0000000--

Alice: you and Edward will have the house to yourself tonight

Friend: oooooo

Alice: you’re welcome

Friend: LMFAO

alice is a bro

--0000000--

Bella [immediately after the scene with Alice]: hey dad, I was wondering

Friend: hey dad… i was wondering. do you have any condoms

--0000000--

Bella: dad I’m a virgin

Friend: not for long….

--0000000--

Friend: but like honestly it's all so deeply unclear to me

he has like no blood, right?

HOW does he get hard

Me: he’s always hard

Friend: i don't think that's how that works

--0000000--

[Edward and bella in edward’s room]

Bella: I wanna ask u something

Friend: "can we fuck"

--0000000--

Friend: i feel like "becoming a vampire" is just a metaphor for "losing virginity"

--0000000--

[Bella tried to jump Edward]

Edward: bella…no

Friend: ???????????

they already kiss and stuff?????????

Me: yeah

i think he's worried he'd like. fuck her to death

idk… her vulva is delicate i guess

 Friend: they could do some Other Stuff

Me: yeah i know

edward is just…. too old school to understand anything but piv

Friend: fuck her to death…with his flaccid vampire dick

 [..]

this is so………Weird

?????????? sex is not a sin

--0000000--

[Edward talking abt how he would have courted bella in 1918]

Friend: ???????????? i dont believe that at all

people fucked in the 1800s

edward is a fucking weirdo

[Edward starts his grand speech]

Friend: Ew

this is…. a Lot

tbh it's Not Sexy that he can't adapt to a more feminist era

[Edward proposes]

Friend: this is…… a Lot

he Keeps Asking

[bella accepts]

Friend: she's only saying yes because she's horny!!!!

--0000000--

Friend: also….tbh it's sad that these vampires have to deny their instincts and have no control over themselves

like ….maybe they should just be euthanized

 Me: :O

Friend: is it fair to deny them their nature???

we don't force tigers to be vegetarians

what is the difference

Me: because… they're sentient and intellectual and can decide for themselves not to eat humans

Friend: i'm not sure i buy that

Me: you think they're not smart enough to make their own decision not to eat humans?

Friend: it seems like they have to be rehabilitated to deny a very natural instinct that they have no control over

are the cullens themselves a metaphor for mormonism?

 Me: yeah but carlisle CHOSE a vegetarial lifestyle… no one forced it on him

Friend: i guess

but at what cost

lmao

--0000000--

[tent scene]

Jacob: I am hotter than u

Friend: LMFAO

--0000000--

Friend: why didn't they bring more blankets?????

how fucking cold is it

Dumbasses

--0000000--

[Edward and jake arguing over bella]

Friend: idk bella….

i'd rather fuck a hot wolf than a freezing rock hard PussyDestroying Vampire

those wolves are HUGE…. huge dicks im sure

--0000000--

[Edward talking about how he doesn’t want bella to be a vamp to jake]

 Friend: i feel like they're Bonding

over their inability to control this woman lmfao

--0000000--

[jake and Edward fighting over bella]

Friend: bella is not that interesting? ? ? ?

--0000000--

Edward: if you weren’t trying to steal bella I might actually like u

Friend: wow

THIS is where they should fuck

t h r u p l e

look deep into each other's eyes

--0000000--

Friend: she'd warm up if they were having sex

--0000000--

[post tent scene]

Friend: she's not even wearing a hat rn

bella…what the fuck

--0000000--

[Edward and bella talking about being engaged, jake overhears]

Bella: it’s the 21st century

Friend: yeah, it is the 21st century…. marry them both

--0000000--

[bella asks jake to kiss her]

Friend: what the FUCK is happening

--0000000--

[bella and jake making out]

Friend: she's not even wearing anything warm

--0000000--

[battle]

Friend: carlisle…. kung fu master

Me: renaissance man

Friend: only breaks the hippocratic oath when absolutely necessary

--0000000--

[confrontation with riley and Victoria, Edward trying to convince riley to turn on Victoria]

Edward: think about it riley.. .you’re from forks… you know the area

Friend: "you're from forks… who would want that"

--0000000--

[Carlisle healing jake]

Friend: god…..my sexy, classy dad

… so smart….. so kind

--0000000--

Bella: I’m not normal

Friend: bella….you are SO normal

the reason every middle school girl read these books and thought they were like bella is bc you are just THAT normal

--0000000--

Edward: I guess we should start planning the wedding

Bella: no… something more difficult first… more dangerous

Friend: is she still talking about her virginity

[zhuhongs]

Here’s my long ass review of TGCF that literally no one asked for it i have opinions and I have no one to tell them too so i must write them out and post them. (also part of this is abt the mdzs novel bc i can’t not compare them and I have a lot of thoughts abt that too)

This is very very long so it’s going under a read more. Spoilers ahead!!

Okay so first off this book was a fucking behemoth i can’t believe i read all of that (minus the extras) in under a week.. what the fuck. I definetly got reading fatigue halfway thru book 3.

I’m gonna separate my thoughts into sections bc i  have a few points that don’t all relate

firstly, overall writing and organization:

I said it earlier but tgcf is a lot more structurally sound than mdzs imo. My biggest criticism of the MDZS novel (minus the bad sex scenes, homophobia, and general I hate mxtxness of it) was the way the flashbacks were presented. 

Like OH MY GOD they were presented so badly. I hated that the flashback was told intermittently and only when one of the characters invoked the past. For example, when WWX meets Jiang Cheng and a second time, Jin Ling distracts JC to release “Mo Xuanyu” bc he saved his life in the Nie Ancestral hall earlier. WWX then proceeds to be the self sacrificing dude he is and take away Jin Ling’s curse and put it on himself. When he escapes and returns to LWJ, LWJ offers to carry him.

 If you watched CQL, you know exactly what LWJ is referring to when he says smth to the effect of “You once offered to carry me too, remember.” HOWEVER in the novel you don’t know what he’s talking about. This is because the flashback wasn’t been revealed to you yet. The next chapter goes to tell the flashback. I think that this takes away all of the emotional depth away from the scene. But in CQL, having the flashback already be known, you make the connection on your own and are like “awww wangji remembers that.. even 16 years later.“ Its a lot sweeter bc you know what the two have gone thru. At this point in the MDZS novel its barely the 30th chapter or so and you have no real idea what wangxian have been thru together or what reasons wangji has for loving wwx. You just think, well obviously they like each other bc this is a danmei novel and they are the two leads, ofc they have to like each other. But in cql, you learn through watching them that they’re in love. It’s not just like”well they have to be!! its a bl!!”

Okay that was a rlly long side tangent but it makes me so angry. So what did any of that have to do with TGCF?? well tgcf doesn’t have this issue. In fact, i believe that it gains a lot from having the flashback withheld from the reader. 

I really liked how the flashbacks were contained to books 2 and 4 respectively because it adds a layer of mystery. Hua Cheng is a very secretive man so it makes sense for us to not know everything about him upfront. The way that the author teases and hints little things at you make you want to know more, making it all the more satisfying when the truth is revealed. Because in a way you Know that Hua Cheng meets Xie Lian before and you know that he’s the child XL saved during the God Pleasing Ceremony but you don’t know all the details. Like obviously since Hua Cheng is a ghost you know that he’s died and it was likely for Xie Lian or Xian le’s sake but you probably never expected that he actually died twice. Once on the battle field and second when he took the human face disease. I think the difference between these flashbacks and the flashbacks in MDZS result from the length. In TGCF you get two long concise flashbacks that make sense to be placed where they are. Book 2 because you already have a feel and hint at what the characters have been through and book 4 because the White No Face appears again so then you learn how he and Xie Lian met before. It wouldn’t make sense to place book 2 any earlier bc there is no emotional impact. And it doesn’t make sense to place book 4 earlier because you don’t know what the white no face’s deal is so it’d be confusing. In MDZS, you get numerous short flashbacks happening alongside the main story and it makes it hard to piece together the timeline in a way that feels satisfying. Ik a lot of ppl grill cql for having a confusing intro episode and having a rlly long flashback but its much better than the mdzs novel. However the mdzs donghua handles the flashback in the most concise way imo.

Overall i think the way the story is structured is very good and is a step up from mdzs. Also the horror aspects of tgcf are rlly enjoyable and honestly i think mxtx should just write short horror stories at this point. like enough long ass novels chock full of fetishization. just write some fun horror with no romance and call it a day.. pls

Side Characters:

okay so straight up, i think the side characters arent used as well as they were in mdzs bc mxtx wanted to focus on hualian and didn’t want to give the side characters as much focus. This is a weaker point of the novel.

I’ll get into it more below but i think hua cheng was done dirty as a character by having him rlly only care abt xie lian. Since he doesn;t have any real relationships with others outside of xie lian this takes away from having more depth in the side characters. They’re really only related as far as xie lian’s relationship with them. Though thankfully xie lian gets rather close with a few officials and the ones we get to see more of are rlly interesting. I especially loved the reconciliation of mu qing, feng xin, and xie lian at the end of book 5. honestly their relationship was one my favorites and i’m glad they finally said what they had to say to each other after 800 fucking years. Also Shi Qingxuan is a delight. we stan sqx in this house.

The characters i wish we had seen more of were yushi huang (although she didnt rlly want to be there, good for her), Quan Yizhen and Yin Yu. I very much wish yizhen and yin yus story happened earlier on and we had more time with them. It felt strange to have their subplot occur towards the end and it was sort of out of place but i liked them a lot!! i wish there was more to it. and that there was a reconcilation but mxtx hates happy shidi’s doesnt she, (glares at novel jc). Also man yin yu did NOT have to die like that i’m sad.

Also, honestly.. i don’t think qi rong added to the story whatsoever and i have no clue why he and guzi were there. qi rong just pissed me off the whole time and added literally nothing.

going back to yushi huang, i’d like to say for the millionth time that i hate how mxtx uses any of her female characters. like we get it.. u hate women being useful... im still pressed but what i want to say has been said many times before so ill leave it at that.

Hualian:

I really really did like hualian at the end. They had a truly epic love story and it was so beautiful, especially when hua cheng repeated his words as wuming to xie lian as he started to disappear. But, I said it once and i’ll say it again. I don’t think Hualian is a super healthy relationship. As fiction its fine (i firmly believe fiction impacts reality but let me finish), i guess bc literally nothing about their situation can be replicated irl and none of it ended up containing manipulation or abuse or anything bad but there was a potential for it to and i’m really glad it didnt go that route.

Hualian is a highly idealized and romanticized relationship full of some truly troubling feelings of self worth. While its “beautiful” in a way that hc really was xls most devoted believer, it wasnt healthy for him to live for xl like this. Nor was it healthy for xl to feel so unworthy of hua chengs love.  

Hua Cheng’s devotion to Xie Lian is a little too extreme and it bothers me. When the truth was revealed abt the Temple of 10,000 Gods I had the same reaction as Mu Qing and Feng Xin. I was like... HEY WHAT THE FUCKK that’s a little uh... thats NOT HEALTHY,, dianxia PLEASE say smth. But ofc Xie Lian didn’t say fucking anything and and i was so pissed. Like the whole thing of Hua Cheng living his life solely for XIe Lian is really kinda fucked up and not romantic. I was holding out hope that at some point XIe Lian would sit him down and be like “Hey! I love you and i’m really grateful that all these years you’ve still believed in me when no one else did. But you can’t just live your life for my sake. You deserve love from many other other people and deserve to have a life and happiness outside of me. I still want to spend the rest of my life with you, but you need to not only think of me.” or something to that effect

It bothers me that after Xie Lian learns the truth he doesn’t once reassure Hua Cheng that he didn’t have to make Xie Lian his reason for existence. Like.. idk i just think that’s rlly kinda unhealthy. Like I understand why Hua Cheng is so deeply devoted to Xie Lian-- he saved his life twice and was the only one to ever show him kindness and he’s seen xie lian suffer a fate worse than death multiple times. I get that he wants to protect him and make his life easier, but to not let anyone else into his life and spend 800 years looking for xie lian is just overkill. Like if the whole 10k statues thing never happened i’d be 100 percent fine with hualin but the whole devotion to that extent... uhhh yea.. no that put a bad taste in my mouth. Obsession should not be romanticised. I don’t think any reader of tgcf is going out and deciding to live like hua cheng obviously but still.

Also Side note, the whole 100 swords scene.. bro i felt for hua cheng, the way he screamed seeing that, i don’t blame him. I was so horrified reading that chapter. i don’t think i’ve been so horrified by a piece of media like that in a while. Poor fucking xie lian.. oh my god. I understand the intense reaction he had and how seeing that prompted such a degree of loyalty but still.. 10k statues?? the cave that mu qing and feng xin saw... thats a little too much obssession... like please.. dial it back.. im begging u.

I was talking to mary (liviahyes) and she said smth abt how Hua Cheng doesn’t have a character outside of xie lian. And she’s right, he kinda doesn’t. If Xie Lian didn’t exist neither would Hua Cheng. I get that that counds kinda romantic but in practice i don’t think its a good things. Especially because Xie Lian has a story outside of Hua Cheng, hehas goals, he has friends, he has something. Hua Cheng said it-- his only dream is Xie Lian. Which is romantic but very very unbalanced. 

THAT BEING SAID, i still rly liked their relationship and i think theyre cute they just have issues they need to work through. I mean they have time but yea. It wasn’t perfect but eh. overall i’m bitter bc they couldve been THAT COUPLE but theyre so many bad implications as mentioned above and i.. smh. They still have amazing moments. Like the lantern scene, the alter scene, the “what matters is you, not the state of you”, the end when hua cheng helps release the shackles on xie lian, the scene where hua cheng disappears, the way xie lian waited for him, like they were so close to being THAT COUPLE but then mxtx and her fujo ass just had to make it uncomfortable like that. i’m so bitter. Like the reason why i wrote out all of this is bc this novel could’ve been great but so many little things added up and made the experience far more sour than it shouldve been.

MXTX did hua cheng SO DIRTY by not giving him a character much outside of loving xie lian and being good at everything. Like when I first learned abt how Hua Cheng beat 33 heavenly officials at what they excel in best i was like WHO IS THIS LEGEND but honestly.. he rlly doesn’t have any motivations outside of helping xie lian and I wish he had more to him . Like if we had more situations like the one where hua cheng dug out his own eye to save the group of mortals on mount tong’lu then he’d have been a much more well rounded character. Honestly, that’s rlly the only instance where he seems to have taken xie lians ideals to heart. I wish we had more of that bc that scene was so cool. i wish it hadn’t been revealled so late and there was more than one occasion where he defends others (minus xie lian ofc) without anything for himself to gain that.

To contrast hualian with wangxian, i think wangxian work so well bc at their core, they have the same life goals and same ideas about people and the world. Where in hualian, xie lian has core principles and morals and hua cheng is just like, anything for xie lian. SMH they couldve been great but overall i think hualian falls flat for me because of my own fear of dating someone who doesn’t have a life outside of dating me. Moreso, my parents had this sort of unbalanced relationship towards the end of their marriage and it ended very badly and yea, i just can’t whole heartedly love relationships that in any way resemble this, even if it ends differently. that’s a personal thing tho.

I don’t think Hua Cheng has ANY bad intentions towards Xie Lian or ever will. I don’t think he’s ever manipulated xl or tried to force him to love him. But again, it’s my own personal feelings that makes me feel kinda.. ehh conflicted abt hualian. There was potential but again.. fujoshis ruin everything... smh. Overall i think the way it ended redeemed the issues it had but still there were issues and i really wish xie lian like,, reassured hua cheng about living his life freely at some point but whatever. 

IN CONCLUSION

TGCF had the potential to be better than mdzs, it rlly did but it was bogged down by the authors own toxic mentalities abt love, and mlm relationships, and treating women like ppl and it just leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I enjoyed this book, truly i did (otherwise i wouldn’t have stuck through and read 750k words of it) but there are some flaws that cannot be glossed over. I hope that tgcf when it does get adapted, goes through the same miracle that cql did and makes the characters more like ppl and less like tropes but i doubt it. Also i highly doubt that a live action tgcf is feasible given the supernatural aspects of the series but we shall see. I’m excited for the donghua when it eventual comes out but i will continue to be critical of the novel bc..well.. you see why. idk if i’d reccommend this book tbh bc like yes i would, no i would... well.. </3. yea. overall, it sure was something that i enjoyed in spades. especially the last 5 chapters. I generally liked it but had many issues with it at the same time, but honestly, yea thats the standard fair for a mxtx novel. 

[dragimal]

TROS thoughts? TROS thoughts.

just some thoughts abt TROS and the trilogy as a whole. I don’t actively talk abt SW much so this’ll prolly be p disorganized, but I just wanted to throw some thoughts to the wind lmao. also thanks @cobwebbing for bullying me into watching TROS as quickly as possible and also yelling abt all these jumbled thoughts with/at me

overall I rly liked it! with a lot of criticisms! and I’ll expand under the cut

so, as usual, everything reylo was p spectacular. Rey trading off her light-saber to Kylo? that last bombastic kiss? Kylo fading into a force ghost to presumably reunite w/ his family? the mutual healing of one another-- and in particular, Kylo not only sharing his own life-force, but that which Rey had previously gifted him for the stab wound??? the DRAMA! the ROMANCE!! I was going absolutely (mentally) HOGWILD during those scenes, AAAAA I couldn’t have asked for better! Rey and Kylo are totally gonna have a force-ghost honeymoon and I’m here for it

my one big criticism w/ anything involving them was Palp being Rey’s grandad. Star Wars has always had weird hangups abt bloodlines, so it felt very fresh to see the protag be a whole-ass nobody-- u don’t need to come from some line of force-sensitive heroes/baddies to be somebody! ANYBODY can be somebody if they choose to be! yeah, she technically still renounced her “evil blood” to be a good person, but it felt a lot cheaper than just letting her be a nobody that chooses that path. I feel like there’s a nugget of good to be found in her adopting the Skywalker name at the end (y’all know I’m a sucker for adopted family~), but compounded w/ all the other hangups w/ bloodlines, it kinda felt like another affirmation that only Skywalkers can ever be the big important heroes or something, idk

that all said, I don’t hate Palp’s existence in TROS, I just don’t want him related to Rey in any way. tho his existence was still a bit awkward at parts (Snoke was a clone? who were all those cultists in the stands around the throne? how did he even survive the first trilogy?? hello???). but overall I rly liked the idea that the reason Sith kill their masters is for some reincarnation-death ceremony. when u hold that against the fresh new cast of heroes in this trilogy, you get this theme of, “evil ideals are always the same-- stagnant and unchanging. good must evolve and grow to combat it.” if that makes sense? I just rly like that implication

it was weird how easily Kylo seemed to drop any connection to Vader? like when Rey knocked Vader’s mask on the ground, I thought Kylo would either feel angry that she almost destroyed it, or betrayed by the reminder that he was never rly talking to Vader anyways, or SOMETHING, but he kinda just left it there in the snow? it was just strange, after all the build-up

now aside from anything involving Rey and Kylo, everything else was..... well, it was abt as I expected. which wasn’t good, coming off the heels of TLJ’s treatment of anyone that wasn’t Rey, Kylo, or Luke. while JJ and Rian do a fantastic job w/ reylo stuff, they seem to just let everything else fall to the wayside, which is unfortunate in a lot of ways

for one, Finn is one of my favorite characters in SW as a whole, and it’s heartbreaking to see his character arcs fall apart before they even start (post-TFA). he has so much depth and potential-- enough to even be the main protag, as some have pointed out. while I don’t agree that he’s a better foil to Kylo (and that’s not just my reylo bias, like they rly don’t have the same personality chemistry or thematic conflicts imo), I could totally see a SW trilogy centered around him instead (tho idk if I’d be able to properly doctor the script to THAT degree on my own... 🤔...)

either way, Finn’s potential was rly squandered the last two movies, and I’d love to see that rectified. I’ve always been disappointed that Finn immediately went to shooting other stormtroopers in TFA w/o any hint of hesitation, so I’d ideally like to give him some conflicted feelings during TFA to start off with. then, I’ve always thought his plot in TLJ should’ve been focused completely on stormtroopers-- no casino, no fox-horse racing or anything. he and Rose would IMMEDIATELY sneak onto the FO ship from the beginning of the movie as undercover stormtroopers, gathering info for the Resistance and trying to shut down the FO’s tracking tech, while also feeling out the thoughts of fellow stormtroopers. maybe some troopers would be gung-ho abt the FO, while others would like to rebel but are too scared, while others still had never considered the option of rebellion until Finn planted just a little seed for them. however, by the end of TLJ, his efforts might’ve *seemed* useless, like the FO might’ve killed off any defecting stormtroopers. then we’d hit TROS, and Finn might be a bit colder, and bit more willing to kill stormtroopers, b/c even if he could convert them, he wouldn’t be able to protect them, so he might as well end it as quickly as possible. but THEN he’d meet the former stormtroopers-- not just strangers this time, but some of the troopers he’d met while on the FO ship in the previous movie! they’d escaped, and his efforts weren’t for naught! his actions still mattered, and continue to matter as everyone moves forward!

also, can I just say, fucking weird that Finn’s suddenly force-sensitive?? I’m not necessarily against him being force-sensitive, but I’m attached to the idea of an important character that doesn’t have any significant connection to the force-- he was just a talented dude! but even then, I think I’d be more open to it if not for how it was introduced. apparently, the only reason he (or any stormtrooper, as far as we know) defected is b/c the force told them to. no personal decisions based on morals or logic or even basal fear, just some “force-instinct”. that’s just.... so insulting to his character and the potential for stormtroopers, I’m reeling lmfao

Poe is an interesting case for me b/c I don’t feel any particular way abt him. like, he’s fine? but I care far more abt reylo and Finn than I do Poe, so I haven’t put as much thought into how I’d change his arcs, BUT I do have a few ideas. since I’d nix Finn’s casino trip in TLJ, I’d have Poe kinda take the helm of that-- rather than a slow crawl thru space on low fuel, the Resistance’s problem would be their space-jumping tech (+ the FO tracking them of course), so they’d have plenty of fuel to jump, but for some reason they’d have to recharge or re-fix something after each jump? so it’s more like a lil space roadtrip for Poe’s plot, where he’s jumping the Resistance to different planets, hiding their ships somewhere before the FO catches on, and waiting until the can jump again to the next hiding spot. all the while, Poe’s keeping in touch w/ Finn, trying to keep the FO off their tails for just a little bit longer, or gathering info on their plans. I rly liked Poe’s TLJ arc of, “sacrificing a few for the cause is actually kinda shitty,” so I’d like to keep that, like maybe he makes a few risky decisions while running? and then later, when Finn tries to sacrifice himself to the FO’s canon (in this case b/c he thinks his efforts w/ the stormtroopers didn’t work, so maybe he can do just this one thing--), Poe’s like Oh Fuck No and smacks him outta the sky. so Poe has this moment like, “wow, perhaps I’m not as ok w/ all this sacrifice as I thought? also I might have a crush?😳” and then in TROS he’s coming to terms w/ his crush on Finn (and Zorii’s like, *nudges* “OH-HO??~”), but Finn’s still a bit broken up over how everything w/ the stormtroopers turned out in TLJ, so he’s been difficult to connect to. then when Finn meets the former stormtroopers, he gains back some of that confidence in connecting to others, and he finally *sees* Poe for the first time in a while and it’s all romantic and junk heheh

tbh I don’t actually feel particularly strongly abt finnpoe as a pairing, BUT I rly like the potential it has for Finn and Poe’s respective character arcs, and especially how it could so lovingly tie into TROS’ theme of, “we are only as strong as we are together, and together we can beat this.” unfortunately, that theme in and of itself is also kinda awkward coming on the heels of TLJ, where the Resistance was abandoned by the galaxy when there was only a small fleet of FO forces to deal with, yet the galaxy comes to aid when there’s a fuckin billion FO ships w/ PLANET-DESTROYING TECH on-board each?? I know the 2nd movie’s supposed to be a low point, but the huge turn-around in TROS just doesn’t make a whole lotta sense to me, and I don’t know how to fix that one lmao

Rose is.... a difficult one. I rly want to like her b/c I love Kelly and she has cute moments, but TLJ already didn’t give her a lot to work with, and she had insultingly little to do in TROS. I think that perhaps she’d work well as Poe’s thematic foil in TLJ? Rose’s sister was one of the ones sacrificed under Poe’s direction, so she prolly wouldn’t be too pleased w/ that, and would bring up counterpoints to Poe’s risky maneuvers w/ the Resistance whenever they check in w/ him. then when Poe goes to rescue Finn from the canon, Rose’s words are what play thru his head. for TROS, I’d gladly replace C3PO or Chewie (or both) w/ her, lmao. I can’t necessarily think of an arc for her, but TROS was already juggling so many anyways, I think it would’ve been fine for her to maybe be a lynch-pin for the squad-- someone trying to hold everyone together through these dire circumstances, but everything starts to fall apart... until some significant moment where she helps pull everyone back together, thus completing the theme of the film. also I would’ve felt FAR more distressed if it was Rose that was supposedly on the destroyed transport ship (tho that scene was already kinda stupid like... why couldn’t Rey sense that Chewie wasn’t on there... hm..)

the Hux betrayal was obvious even from as far back as TFA, but it was weird he was replaced by a nobody we never met before and don’t care abt lmfao. I mean I don’t rly care for Hux at all, but I care even less for this stranger who has no personality lmfao

[ptw30]

VLD Season 7 Reactions: Part 2

Hi, @dreamworksanimation and @voltron! Hope you had a great holiday weekend. I received more asks since the last time I sent you a post. Please give these a read, as these are the reviews sent to me from the fandom. Best - ptw30

Anonymous said: Voltron is all build up and no follow up. They teased us with a very cool premise and then slowly went away from it till they finally went to "nope don't remember didn't happen". And the EPs even seem proud of that. I wonder if they ever watched the show :(

The EPs lack the ability to bring a resolution or closure. We never find out Haggar’s motivation or reasoning about Operation Kuron. We never find out who the “other one” was in the pilot. We never find out Shiro’s bayard form. Lance’s insecurities are never resolved. We never find out the limitations of Allura’s powers - she can transfer souls but can’t find the Black Lion galaxies away? There’s just so much left out of the story. 

Anonymous said: Sometimes I think about all of voltron’s loose threads and how this next season is the last and am then transported back to my high school days of putting off projects until the last second, throwing something together, aiming for at least a passing grade. 

The EPs failed a long time ago, if that’s the case. When they decided to kill off one of the main characters without allowing the team to grieve, forced the most popular paladin off the team, demoted the leader of the team to a soldier, and abandoned its own lore, including breaking the strongest paladin-lion bond without any explanation - they failed to give the viewers any satisfying conclusion to this story. No matter what the next 13 episodes include, it won’t make up for the middle 39 episodes that literally brought tragedy after tragedy, especially to the team’s only LGBTQ+, multiple-minority character. 

@sweet-rabbit​ said: You know, if the EPs wanted us to not like, nay, LOVE AND ADORE Shiro as much as we do, it was probably a huge misstep on their or whoever's part that they hired a man who voiced a freakin' DISNEY RENAISSANCE CHARACTER to voice Shiro. The blasted fools, the lot of them!

Josh Keaton is a consummate professional, and no doubt, Andrea Romano nailed it when working with him and the team. If there is one thing that is absolutely, without a doubt, above reproach with this show - it’s the voice acting. It is outstanding.

@safeautistickeith said: Damsel Shiro aaaaalways felt Suspect ™ for me. Like. Keith can say, ”we saved each other” (whoever wrote that bless them) But, lbr Shiro’s sidelining was a slowburn that started from his damsel-dom. S1: S and K each got a Big Save. K saved S when he came back to Earth. S saved K when K went after Zarkon (Shiro voice: I’ve got you, buddy) S2: K saved S in Across the Universe. S saved K in Marmora. Equals? Yes. Truly. Then s3 comes along and it’s not longer this beautiful, mutual thing, but Shiro becomes a Damsel in Distress. Which Yikes ™ Asian man demoted to damsel? Unfortunate implications. He’s arc has been about leading up until then? Unfortunate implications. He’s a gay male( the reveal planned in s2??) un for tu nate implications. There’s a line between, ”you can be masc and also need help” and just making him a damsel. Big Yikes. 

Voltron originally broke tropes, which was awesome. Allura wasn’t a princess locked away in a castle-ship but a knock-out, drag-out warrior who wasn’t afraid to get into the fray. Shiro, the strong-willed leader, wasn’t afraid to accept help. Keith, the loner, felt perhaps the most for his team. “Loverboy” Lance was actually the heart of the team, rather than a female character playing that part. Hunk, too, was strong but scared, and Pidge was not the stereotypical girl figure. 

In Season 3, the story began to fall into the traps of the tropes it had broken, and it’s been a demoralizing and disappointing journey ever since.

@melissa18999 said:The lack of characters being challenged emotionally is why everything after season 2 bothers me. Kuron’s arc didn’t test the characters on an emotional level given how after the arc is over everyone just moves on. It’s there only to write actual shiro out of the show for a bit rather than seriously affect the cast. Same thing with Keith’s [crap] and every other character. Nothing tests them emotionally. (Maybe Allura with Lotor)

VLD misses a lot of emotional beats. One of the biggest failures was not showing when the team learned about Keith’s Galran heritage. Then we never see the emotional fallout with the clone, other than the team referring to him as “evil.” The clone fought alongside with the team, perhaps longer than Shiro, and the team never mourned him. Sendak and Shiro’s fight? Shiro never says a word, and then Keith kills Sendak, taking away Shiro’s right to fight back against his one-time captors. 

Lotor had Pidge’s dad and didn’t even try to make her a traitor to Team Voltron? Narti could control minds and not one of the paladins was ever brainwashed by her? Haggar did it to a clone, not even Shiro. 

Even Allura and Lotor’s relationship - Allura’s anger was the stereotypical  “woman scorned.”

So much potential, and it’s just wasted. 

Anonymous said: An ask or two doesn't have enough room to describe how much Shiro means to me, how much strength I draw from him, how many dark places he's helped me out of. But s6's treatment of kuron/shiro left me in tears and nearly dissociating for hours, and it's the only season I haven't rewatched. And here's the kicker: Everything I've read about s7 has made the thought of watching it feel identical to an urge to self harm. I want the EPs to think about that. I want them to think hard about people like me, because I doubt I'm the only one who's been affected like this. And I want them to really, really consider if this is the story they wanted to tell. If this is the effect they wanted their story to have.

Shiro is important to many people in terms of representation, and I’ve read many posts about people who identify with him. I’m glad he’s had an impact upon your life, and I hope you can still take comfort in the earlier seasons. Please take care. 

Anonymous said: I think I'd be okay with the "Shiro had a degenerative disease" if that was it alone. Like, it's a really good explanation of why everyone so readily accepted the pilot error thing despite Shiro being an absolute legend of a pilot. But it was tied together with his gay reveal and then the story he was shoved into and... I cannot like it, or accept it.

Shiro was revealed to be LGBTQ+, have a degenerative disease, and lose his place in Voltron - all in one season. The juxtaposition of the reveals is reprehensible, and it sends a horrible message to people who have mental and physical struggles, are LGBTQ+, and minorities. 

Anonymous said: So, here's why the "it's a show abt war so you have to suffer watching, bc there's only tragedy" excuse is weak: It’s a show about space robots, a space robot called voltron. It's not a show about drama, about people dying and it never was. It was supposed to be a show about teamwork (supposed bc that premise has left the building a long time ago) with war comes death? Yes, absolutely, but its not an excuse to kill all of the lgbt characters 

That’s the issue - it’s not an excuse to kill all the LGBTQ+ characters. A show about war that has death and handles appropriately is one thing. Mourning the clone, mourning Shiro, mourning Narti - all those things should have happened, and they didn’t. (These characters were also all with physical and mental disabilities, DreamWorks.)

Showing children closure, helping them to understand death - is a good lesson to learn. But excluding Shiro from his only family, killing his one-time SO in a “fringe” move, and then killing the other LGBTQ+ couple in the show - not to mention killing Shiro four times - that’s a message DreamWorks should not be sending children. 

Anonymous said: The one thing I wanted from Voltron Season 7: Shiro getting to reunite with the team, and work with them again as a part of the team - also, the one thing the Voltron EPs refuse to allow.

Not to be technical - but that’s actually two things. Shiro did reunite with the team, but unfortunately, he wasn’t a part of the team. In fact, he was excluded to the point of no longer even being called a paladin, according to “The Journey Within,” and I agree. I wanted that in Season 7 as well. 

Anonymous said: I'm still lowkey [mad] that Sincline, made of the same material as Voltron, was not sentient, but the MFE fighters and Atlas, which are reverse-engineered galtean tech and run off... idk what they run off, magic low-charge batteries maybe... are implied sentient.

I’m not sure, but I can say - I am sad that didn’t pan out, either. I wanted to see what Lotor and his generals could do in Sincline. I’m sad that Atlas, clearly built for Allura, didn’t talk to Allura first. Instead, she will always be Blue’s second choice, Lance Red’s second choice, and Keith left to Black because Shiro...didn’t not to fly Black anymore? I’m not quite sure why. The story never tells us. 

Rounding back - Sincline had so much more potential than was realized. 

Anonymous said: In not committing to a specific black paladin, or even a specific direction and endgame, the story failed to stay together. It fell apart in the same manner a soft cheese does when pressed to a fine-hole cheese grater.

There are a lot of things that failed to keep the story together. The first and foremost was - you need to keep the team together, or at the very least, not lose two of your main characters in one 26-episode batch, one character for 24 episodes, another for 12.  

Anonymous said: If the EP's have treated Shiro as an equal instead of a 'problem' they had to put up with, would VLD have not have gone downhill? It does feel like their dislike for one character and their stubbornness to stick to their original plan is what dragged the show down. It really does feel like what happened behind the scenes has become a cautionary tale on what you shouldn't do when writing a story and its characters.

I can’t say for sure, but what I can say is - the moment the EPs saw Shiro not as a character but as a plot device, is the moment the story began to unravel. 

cc: @netflix

[mestos]

BnS act 9 was perhaps the worst thing ncsoft did to jyansei/cricket and OOF im still feeling it. as if cricket hasn’t cried enough in the whole story (when master hong dies, when hajoon dies, when they see master hong in a flashback, when the old pupils bid them farewell, when ayona dies) this was too much oh my god!!! this was sthe worst

spoiler ramble undercut

alright ill try talk abt the act in chronological order so starting off, 1) why chundoon’s voice so deep lmao. in kr it was such a soft boy’s voice then in NA its like hansen from fgo where they gave him a 40 year old chainsmoker’s voice SLKGJSDKGH 

the other thing i liked tho from the start is the whole premonition thing where it ends with cricket’s death

me, internally: why is it ALWAYS zaiwei

but anyway i loved how this led up to going into the backstreets of the hao bazaar and beating up some punks, leading up to this golden exchange with yunma fei. i laughed SO HARD

empress: you were illegally street fighting in hao bazaar? cricket: (sweats) .....sorry empress: that’s cool i did too at one point

YUNMA FEI IS HONESTLY SO COOL. best empress (sorry ms cyg) 

anyway the whole exchange with yunma fei was pretty nice, because she lets you read a letter. cricket’s hesitation was so cute! i can imagine them being rlly flustered, and yunma fei just shaking their head like “dude you saved the continent like twice? why wouldn’t you have authority” sgksjdgh

so the letter is basically dowager tayhu (her name was ak in kr? idk) passively aggressively asking for HM Hero to show up and yunma fei and cricket both almost agree to decline the invitation...till nuya shows up with news about ryu. then cricket does a complete 180 and is like “sorry. i have to go” which is kinda....omg....i get that u love your kids but its due to these impulsive decisions that lead to disaster!!! its why your efforts are erased in the end!! just decide to decline for once sweetie!!

even yunma fei tries her best to convince you, but you and her both know that there’s no stopping you once you made your mind to go somewhere. but yunma fei’s concern was nice enough, i love the friendship and bond you share with her-- she cares about you a lot, and so do you. other than the fact she is an empress, cricket is gentle with her too

anyway so you go to dasari palace, after a bit of a scuffle with an old captain who worked in the stratus empire, which led to a very pretty map as i posted briefly before. when u arrive at the banquet...everything is super suspicious lmao!! even from just stepping in you can feel that this was so set up to go against you. bns story rule of thumb: someone invites you to someplace, they’ll be after ur life. 

one thing tho is i love how cricket is so caring of their students,, when jinsoyun was feeling sick, they offered to be by her side the entire time and hold her hand..but of course, soyun can’t take the room and runs off. cricket chases after her but is stopped by the guards, and i find their frustration rlly cute sdjkgh

then you meet the dowager and ryu! ryu, no memories ryu. who wasn’t hanging with ken after all LMFAO anyway he asks to spar with you and cricket is forced to act like this is the first time theyve met and u can feel the pain in their responses

so sparring with ryu was easy enough. afterwards general hondu wrecks the party, then cricket decides to go rest. but of course, not before seeing their lovely darling daughter soyun! they decide to check up on them and their concern for their wellbeing was sweet (a lot more doting in kr but i digress lmao) 

afterwards, in typical blade and soul fashion, the minute u go into your resting room shit hits the fan and assassins, stratus soldiers, fiends all go after you and your pupils. after a frustrating (i’m a flame gunslinger! i don’t have any mobbing skills for crying outloud!) escort mission you meet choi jina, who i BARELY remembered but you meet her briefly at the start of act 2 and she helps you with the wraithbloom mess

she’s also pretty much jung hado genderbent but we won’t talk about that

with the help of choi jina cricket and fam go into a hidden chamber...a place they’ll be in for a while give or take LMAO. after some discussion, cricket decides “my amnesiac kid can’t be left in this shithole so i have to go back to him” (although in kr, cricket refuses but is eventually persuaded by bunyang) and choi jina and cricket go through....a fucking stealth mission, because after the murder of the minister (which was NOT cricket’s fault--they were just doing their job of eliminating demons) they become a wanted man! 

now, it wouldn’t be so bad if i had a functional laptop but i don’t so, that shit took me an entire hour and a half. i gave up at some point and just walked on the ground rather than roof to roof, because that is the WORST stealth mission in the entire game!! why!!! holy crap!!! i could rant over and over about the stealth mission but ill save that for twitter...

anyway after stealth mission, you knock out ryu, choi jina carries him, and back in the hidden chamber you go. ryu suddenly ~remembers~ all the fun times and tells you dowager tahyu’s planning a war! cricket, not finding it suspicious at all that ‘suddenly son remembers me? wow!’ is like ‘ok ok my boy, take me away, i gotta warn, yunma fei’ then they act like prisoner and shit and it was hilarious with lyn walking sprite cause you can’t walk in front of him HGJKG

ryu catches a spy - one of yunma fei’s - and after cricket writes their letter, they give it to senha and go. then there’s another escort mission! when you’re back with the fam, its a team effort to go to the great dragon pulse. and hell, i wouldve just made ryu do all the fighting cause my computer really hated that whole mission and i barely got through HA

anyway, shortly before the escort mission, bunyang and cricket have a small argument--bunyang is always so worried about their master, and cricket can’t do anything about it; it’s their job to do all these things, they can’t refuse because of the bigger picture. cricket promises to come back safely and they can be a family again, and in general the whole argument is really heartbreaking because HA. guess what happens after the escort mission

before i get to that, yunma fei actually arrives - alone, so no jung hado with her - shortly before shit hits the fan. she plops through the dragon pulse and it leads to some horrifying revelations. she said that cricket’s letter told her to come alone because they are sick and need help, and cricket says they never asked for that? and then its a mess because now yunma fei, talus empress, is alone and it’s all in the dowager’s plan. 

quickly running back to their students with the empress... but they were too late.

ryu betrayed them. and bunyang...

pays the price.

as if to make matters worse, cricket really was ill, they had been poisoned shortly before and 

collapses. 

they wake up in prison - goddamn! this is the third time i’ve woken up in jail! as if im not constantly falsely accused of crimes already! and witness an empress-to-empress showdown. yunma fei is really best empress. she sassed dowager tayhu hard LMAO

choi jina arrives and lets you and yunma fei out but cricket’s mind is in shambles because holy fuck!!!! my son just died!!! and unfortunately they cant find the time to mourn because 1) they’re in jail and they are breaking out like fugitives. the next segment is cricket and co. break outta jail to find the rest of their kids. 

when cricket does find them its so OUCH because their kids are obviously traumatized - especially bunah!!!!!!!! the flesh and blood sister of bunyang who just fucking DIED and really ... it was just too much,

yunma fei tries her best consoling you but obviously cricket can’t think properly. but they don’t have time to be crying, because there’s too much on the line, so they swallow their feelings and keep moving. 

i’ll continue on a second post...

[vinilsoup]

ok so this is a vent post caus is 2am and i woke up in pain, and im sad. Under the read more bc probably will be negative

My whole life has been a big mess. My parents were old and had an overly anxious kid (me), my mom had depression and treated me as an equal and not as a fucking child and i didnt have maturity to deal with her problems, and i started showing signs of depression really early. But instead of getting me into theraphy they put me into meds, and they always blamed me for my bad behaviator once I hit like 10 yo but like they only listened to me and my problems if i made a big deal abt it otherwise it was brushed off. They always complained to me that people said I was spoiled and it was true and somehow it was my fault and not theirs. I always felt that if I never had been born they would be happier, bc I only caused trouble and didn’t exactly knew what I did wrong. If they were in a good mood, they wouldn’t even be mad, but if I did the same thing in a bad day it was suddently a big deal.

That would have been enought to traumatize me for a long time, but idk i guess i pissed off some god or something in a past life bc I literally had to see my mother suffer a long and painful death at a hospital when I was 14. I was very close to her and the only reason I didn’t started trying to kill myself earlier is bc she was able to calm me down always, not sure how. From her death foward my life goes to complete shit. Had only one person i was able to get close to after that, and it was a pretty toxic friendship for both of us(nowadays its my best friend but i cant deny the bad past). I was also very very lonely, didnt get along with my father bc my mom used to paint him as a monster to me and i still believed that and ended up blaming him for her death which i feel really bad abt bc he was literelly depressed after her death. He told me multiple times I was the reason he was still alive, the worst part is that my mom used to say the same thing for me while I was growing up. So when she died I literally felt I had no reason to be alive anymore. 

Oh yeah and I was born into the mormon church lmao and when my mom died i started to slowly stop going to the church activities and they got mad at me bc of it like ???? when I decided to stop going, the bishop came into my house without calling, just showed at the door, and told me even if I kept following the church rules,I would still not get to heaven bc I wasn’t going every sunday.  I had told him before that i still believed it but I didn’t feel like going anymore bc I got home depressed every time I stepped into that church. After that, I wasnt able to pray for about a year bc i was terrified god would tell me to go back to the church and i didn’t want that to happen. I felt like I was going to go to hell if god was real, bc i really used to believe the mormon shit.

When things started to get better, when me and my dad started getting along and I had finally found good doctors to help me with my suicidal tendendcies (I literally tried to kill myself every month for like 2 years), my dad died. I had just turned 18. I have several issues because of trauma. I can’t trust people, I always think they’re with me bc I agree with everything and people will hate me if I don’t. I still have a lot of trouble with sexual themes bc of the mormon, i feel like i can’t slight inconvenience people or they will hate me, i feel responsable for other people hapiness, and still am not able to find I reason I want to live, I always think to live for other people, I care too much about what other people think, I’m overly sensitive, I can’t stand up for myself without feeling I’m wrong, and usually I have a panic attack if I have to stabilish boundaries with someone who disrespects me. I don’t know how to fix this. I’m trying, but its so hard to not be afraid of other people.

The good part is that I stopped trying to kill myself every month, but it still happens ocasionally. But its still very hard to me to believe things will get better, like from the beginning my life wasnt easy, and it only got harder, I absolutely still feel like my mental illness is my fault and I’m not trying hard enought to ‘beat it”. Its just so unfair, I am not able to be dependable on other people bc i feel like i can’t, i feel like i can’t be a burden and i always isolate myself. I’ve been in quarantine completely alone the last 5 months, and don’t have money to go see my family, and they seem like they don’t want me to go see them anyway. I live far from all my friends. I know this is a very bad thing but sometimes my friends tell me about their problems and I can’t take it seriously after all I’ve been thought. I try to, bc  i know what is like to not have you problems be taken seriously bc people think its not a big deal. Im very sensitive and never had my feelings taken seriously.

Like, Im supposed to believe it gets better?? It was always been hard, and I havent been able to actually enjoy life. Life was always painful and unkind to me. I had a friend who said he enjoyed life and I remember thinking he was insane, I didn’t understand, I thought life was shitty to everyone, but then I saw it wasn’t. Some people are happy. Some people don’t even have big problems. I never saw that friend of mine complain about anything. I feel bad about it bc i remember getting genuinely angry abt it, and I shouldnt be angry that other people have a good life, but I genuinely don’t understand why some people are so happy and in the other hand some people are so miserable. And I know I don’t have it that bad. It could be worse.

I’ve been dealing with my mental health my whole life, but most of the time I feel like I’m too broken to be fixed. That I never will have a life that makes me feel that being alive is worth it, because to me being alive feels like a sacrifice, it always felt. I’m scared, what if I’m never able to move foward? I don’t know if I have the strenght to fix by myself everything I have been throught. Ever since I was a kid I always said that I didn’t asked to be born and it stands to this day. I still feel responsible for my unhapiness, but I didnt ask to be me. I feel like if i was another person, id be able to deal better with all of this. 

I know its a very negative point of view, but right now its how i feel. I’m just tired, very tired.