#and although this is always a judge free zone…

[astoldbychae]

Weekend Trip to New Appaloosa with her bestie, Skyla. Nothing like good food, good drinks, & running’ into one of your old flings…🥴

Oh honey, there’s A LOT to catch ya’ll up on. LoveStruck is doing its big one when it comes to this one and imma need for it to cut it TF out! IMMEDIATELY! 😩

[kamesama]

sukuna and yūji as siblings ( inspired by this post by @nessieartss )

they are nearly spitting images of one another, but they get gravely offended if someone gets their names mixed up. calling yūji by sukuna's name is always followed by a scowl and his brows wrinkling his skin. sukuna's reaction is the same, making them even more similar. these offences lowered in number after sukuna got his face tattoos, however, they still happen every now and then.

on that note, although they behave differently and have nearly opposite worldviews, there are a couple of gestures that seem to be a shared muscle memory; the way they twist their necks and look at some wandering source of stupidity with the same unimpressed gaze being one of them. of course, they do so in a sync. the way they run their hand through their hair and scratch their head a little when confused. the way they fix their shirt and turn to the side in front of a mirror to judge its fit.

yūji is most definitely subjected to sukuna's insults, but he takes them pretty well; he puts up a fight of his own which sukuna appreciates ( invisibly ). he is happy to know his little brother is resilient. however, there are days where yūji simply cannot stomach the proportions of sukuna's asshole-ry. why are you such a prick?

fights — both verbal and non-verbal, physical and non-physical — are nearly a religious everyday routine. some days it's just sukuna walking by and ruffling yūji's hair as he leaves home, and some days it's a ferocious battle ending with yūji in a headlock because he responded to sukuna's random insult with an exasperated and serious, what the fuck is your problem, dude?

sukuna always ends up having an upper hand.

no one gets to bully sukuna's younger brother — other than him. sure, now when they are older, yūji can handle his own ordeals, but as children, one glare from sukuna was enough to provide salvation for his little brother. sukuna also had a way with their parents to get them out of trouble. how he managed to talk things out with them is beyond yūji even today, but sukuna always saved his ass, walking into crying yūji's room with a confident grin on his face to tell him problem's been solved and he can start kissing his feet.

sukuna found a scrunchie laying around at some point and gave yūji the worst time ever because he teased him so much.

yūji — god bless his wonderful soul — is undoubtedly the more respectful one of the two, unsurprisingly so. that pudding in the fridge that he knows belongs to sukuna? he doesn't touch it. he has no interest in it whatsoever. sukuna, on the other hand, will devour anything and everything he gets his hands on with no regard for ownership. i licked it so it's mine kind of logic. yūji starts hiding his snacks. sukuna nonchalantly finds them.

sukuna busts into yūji's room with nearly no announcement and regard. yūji, on the other hand, always knocks. at some point in the early teenagehood, sukuna's room was a yūji-free zone. no brats allowed. as such, yūji has lesser knowledge of sukuna's room than sukuna has of yūji's.

blackmail. threats. vile words and promises. "brat, give that back or you will never see your vanity fair jennifer lawrence poster again." "*gasp* you wouldn't." "oh, i will."

sukuna finds ways to get certain posters, photos, stickers, merch and absolutely whatever else yūji is dying to have, only to bully the poor boy. "can i see?" "no." "you don't even like that show!" however, these things always find their way onto yūji's desk in the end, or wind up under his bed. when they do, yūji strolls over to sukuna's room with the brightest sun-kissed smile on his precious mouth and expresses his gratitude with the utmost of sincerity and child-like joy. sukuna responds with aloof indifference and a middle finger. it's the tough love.

the times they do get along is when they watch movies together. it's never explicitly admitted, but it has to be their favourite way to spend time in each other's presence. they will binge a show, discuss characters, eat an unhealthy amount of snacks along the way, completely unfazed while someone's guts get clawed out and slurped on screen. horror movies are their forte but yūji successfully got sukuna hooked onto some slice-of-life romance drama here and there. if they are not watching something on some brimming-with-viruses-and-completely-illegal website at home, then they definitely go to the cinema.

the 3 am conversations about life happen. they chew on leftovers of a cold pizza, home alone, under the kitchen light, slowly and calmly commenting on the unyielding passage of time, importance of ambition and drive, and the paradox of life's meaningful meaninglessness. they do so for nine minutes before falling into silence and commenting how stupid that cliff hanger was and how a manga chapter will be delayed again.

yūji's music taste is a spectrum far wider than sukuna's, and although he prefers pop, there are some questionable and edgy songs that seem to crawl their way into his ear because sukuna keeps listening to them on high volume while showering.

surprisingly, yūji is messier than sukuna. both are relatively clean in a way that neither of their rooms resemble a pigsty, but yūji has stray hoodies on his chair or textbooks spread and splattered over his desk ( whether he actually reads them is a separate topic ). sukuna keeps his things relatively neat and leans more towards minimalism in certain aspects.

their styles most definitely clash, but not too drastically; sukuna always seems to wear something of a darker hue to the point yūji strongly questions if he owns something that isn't red, black, white or some shade of grey. on another hand, yūji adores his vivid colours; ugly mustard yellows and pastel pinks and forest greens. sukuna likes his accessories a little edgy but tasteful; yūji finds those to be a hassle because he moves around so much. however, they both seem to show affinity towards comfortable and casual wear.

because of their contrast in terms of dressing, they rarely steal borrow one another's clothes. however, there is a very cool-looking dark blue denim jacket of sukuna's that yūji's got heart eyes for, and every now and then he wears it without having asked for permission. yūji's cheeks are stuffed with his order of burger and french fries when he gets a call from sukuna. he picks up, and all that greets him is a frigid and irritated, brat, did you steal my jacket again? yūji swallows and hangs up.

yūji's socks keep disappearing. it takes him a while to realise it's because sukuna is stealing them, solely because they are made of cotton and comfy.

yūji likes sukuna's phone cases; most of them are dark-ish, sure, but they have this visual effect of elegance that makes the phone look nice. no, sukuna does not give them to his brother. the chambers of his heart are not that vast.

sukuna is more familiar with yūji's friend group than yūji is with sukuna's. he gets along with megumi, enough to acknowledge him as a good friend of his little brother. originally, he teased yūji about nobara, but once he met her, he stopped with a claim that there is zero chemistry between the two and that they're just no fun ( nobara gave him a death glare ). he calls them brats, collectively. on another hand, yūji is not well-versed enough to have a stable opinion of uraume, who seems to be sukuna's partner in crime, but he is very familiar with how irritating his brother finds yorozu who just cannot seem to stop annoying him.

thank you for reading!

— kamesama.

[cupcakefactory]

An awkward first date - Sylus x Reader

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO OUR DRAGON (ik this is early, shoot me idc). This is the first result from my recent poll!

WC: 1.1kish

Warnings: Reader is a little bit of a dummy, other than that fluff! fluff! fluff!

Syluss' Sorceress: @weepylilguy , @hiqhkey (tag list sign up is at the end!)

She tapped her spoon against the side of the bowl, gently, not hard enough to cause noise that would annoy the people sitting around them, but with enough force to help the uncomfortable energy that was starting to bubble find a new vice. How had she gotten here? Dressed to the nines in something that probably cost more than her rent, hair done up with nothing out of place – god, it had taken hours to make it look right and proper.

When Sylus Qin, the leader of the N109 zone and someone she had become acquainted with the month earlier, called her on the phone and asked her on a date, she hesitated. Sure, the man was handsome – he had looks that mirrored characters she created as a child, the ones she had drawn over and over again while coming up with a different backstory for every world she put them in. Still, he was the most wanted criminal in the hunters' association. That, and the fact he was disgustingly rich – he threw away money like it was toilet paper, buying things he didn’t need just because he could – a life she couldn’t even imagine, she cringed as she remembered how just that month she had to budget her pay check to make sure she could survive.

 She was going to say no, let him down lightly, and hopefully go back to whatever form of friendship they had before – just as she was typing, another message popped onto the screen, making her freeze.   

“Come on, Kitten, I’ll pay. Think of it as two friends going for Lunch if a date feels too formal.”

She sighed at that; he always seemed to know what she was thinking, and after taking a look around for Mephisto just to make sure she wasn’t being spied on, sent a short reply agreeing to his offer. If I didn’t have to be a date, then she wouldn’t think of it that way, just free food from her mafia-boss-like friend, who she had to keep secret, as just the idea of the hunter association finding out was terrifying.

That’s how she ended up here, sitting across from him as he sipped on overpriced grape juice. When she agreed, he had sent a package, a custom-made dress with a note that had the name of a restaurant she had only heard stories about – her coworkers had said once that to get a table at this place you either had to book months in advance or have a fuck tone of money, she didn’t win any awards for guessing what category Sylus fell under.

Unfortunately, it was uncomfortable – not because of Sylus, actually, she forgot how well they got along, now everything had calmed down. His very unique sense of humour was something she enjoyed, and the stories about the events in the N109 zone with the crow twins kept her captivated. No, it wasn’t Sylus, he wasn’t the problem (although he really should have been) – it was the atmosphere of where they sat. The high-class rich snobs that surrounded them and kept giving her a side eye whenever she spoke, like they could sense she wasn’t one of them, and in turn were judging. It was unpleasant, and as she shifted in her seat for the 5th time, he stood, taking her arm and walking them out of the building, leaving the cash for the drinks they had on the table.

“Sylus- eh?! Where are we going? we hadn’t even had our food yet!”  

He just smiled back at her, that dangerously charming smile, dropping her arm once they were far enough away. He didn’t say anything for a while, just reaching behind her and undoing the hairpin that was holding her locs together.

“That looks better, I prefer you not so pristine. What was I thinking taking you there..”

He tutted to himself, shaking his head and pulling his car keys from his back pocket. He swung them around a finger as they made their way to his car, opening the passenger’s door, and once she was seated, leaning in so they could talk in private.

“Where would you prefer to go?”

“Sylus is this oka-“

He shushed her, shaking his head in amusement. He knew why she was worrying, probably doing the math on how much money he had spent just to get the table, on top of the dress that was made just for today. He could see the stress on her face as she tried to come up with a figure that was probably lower than the true amount.

“Sweetie, really? Stop worrying yourself, the money was pennies for me. What’s most important is that you are comfortable, and you can’t fool me into believing you were in there. Now, tell me, what would you like to do? Don’t think about money, time, or location – just tell me what you desire.”

She looked at her lap, fiddling with her fingers as her mind raced – this wasn’t like his normal requests when he already knew the answer and was just playing a game to find out if she knew as well. This was different, raw, Sylus actually wanted to know what she wanted to do – there were no ties to it, no challenge.

“I’ve always wanted to... buy sandwiches from the café down the road from me... and watch the sunset on the outskirts of Linkon as I ate them”

Her voice was quiet, like she expected him to mock her for such a request or to scoff and tell her no, maybe suggest something more to his taste and wealth. It never came though, he just hummed in agreement and walked to his side of the car, starting the engine and driving off towards her house, asking for her to point out the café when she saw it, head still shaking in amusement.

“I wish you would leave the stereotypes about me alone, Kitten.”

A small chuckle as she looked out the window, it was already too late to see the sunset together.. but the idea of watching the stars with him was just as exciting.. and knowing the sweet stupid man she was starting to fall for, she would be watching that sunset before long.

Likes, Comments and Reblogs are always appreciated <3

Please don't use my work to train AI :(

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[newbakerontheblock]

Joel Miller x reader 18+

Summary: set during LOU. Joel comes to see a friend after a hard day. Who cheers him up in the best way.

Warning: smut, 18+ only, blowjob, slight praise(if you squint)

You’re tired from the days work, working as a nurse during a time like this was non stop. You come home and shower, getting into a top and shorts and grabbing a glass of wine. Thankfully Tommy kept you happy and paid with gifts to thank you for all your work. So a day like today, wine was needed. You absentmindedly downed the glass while zoning out on the sofa so you pour yourself another but before you can take a sip there’s a knock on the door.

You’re not surprised to see Joel stood at your door, but you’re taken back by the big frown on his face. Although around others he surely had that frown all the time, but with you he didn’t. You didn’t even need to say anything, you waved him in and started to pour him a whiskey.

You handed him his glass and your fingers touched, you ignored the sensation you felt inside at the smallest of touches. You’ve always felt something towards Joel. But never attempted to let him know, it’d be completely pointless. You’ve never gotten the hint he’s felt anything more for you. You miss the way he held his breath when your fingers grazed and his eyes flash to your lips.

“What’s happened?” You ask, as he sits on the sofa and you sit in the chair opposite.

“Hard day. Just a lot of work to do and not a lot of time.” He replied gruffly.

You study the expression on his face whilst you drink your wine. You had an idea in mind what you could do to cheer him up but wouldn’t be able to handle the rejection if he didn’t want it. So you thought about testing the waters. With just your shorts on you crossed your legs, allowing the shorts to ride up your thighs, and just as you had hoped. Joel watched your movement and eye running up your legs with a hunger.

“Did you need me to help you relax?” You ask innocently, placing the glass on wine in front of you on the coffee table, allowing your top to slip down enough for Joel to notice you had no bra on. He tensed on the sofa, gripping the arm of it tightly, his knuckles whitening.

“How?” The word came out quietly as he was eager to hear what was coming.

“Whatever you’d like.” You were sure you had a little buzz of the wine you was drinking, you’ve never been so upfront with him. But pushing his buttons like this was making you so wet already, you’re sure if you uncrossed your legs right now he’d see the wet patch in your shorts.

Joel didn’t say anything, he kept watching you intently. Trying to judge what you was planning, you licked your lips and stood up. Butterflies were going mad in your stomach as you walked up to him. He looked like he was going to stand up so you shake your head. As you lower yourself to your knees his eyes widen slightly, he’s hoping and praying you’re planning on doing what he thinks. For so long, he’s wondered what it would be like with you. Your lips wrapped around his hard cock as he fights the urge to fuck your mouth until you’re gagging and tears are streaming. Many nights he’s fucked his fist whilst thinking of you riding him, pussy clenching him as you near the edge. Now you’re in front of him on your knees and he’s getting hard already.

“Let me help you.” You whispered while fingers run down his front and under his t shirt.

You waste no time in pushing up his shirt and giving him light kisses along his stomach line. He tenses in anticipation. Yours hands take the time to unbutton his trousers and free his erection from his boxers.

“Oh fuck Joel” you murmur as you look at his cock.

So thick and long. You’re sure he wouldn’t fit completely in your mouth but you were determined to try. Grabbing the base of his cock and giving a light squeeze, he groans from above and leans his head back against the sofa, eyes closed. You take the advantage to lick the tip of him, tasting the precum spilling out.

“Fuck!” He exclaims, head throwing forward as he looks at you.

You look him straight in the eyes and take his cock in your mouth, you’re aware straight away of the size and jaw aching but it was forgotten when you watched his face contort in pleasure. Starting gently you pulled back until just the tip as in your mouth and before you could push down again, Joel’s hip thrust upwards. Making you gag at the size of him.

“Oh fuck. I’m sorry, feels so good. Shit.” He rushes to apologise.

You didn’t know how to put it into words so you decided to show him, you grabbed both of his hands and planted them on the back of your head, allowing him to push your head down deeper.

“You’re such a good girl.” He praises and you clench around nothing.

He doesn’t take long to start fucking your mouth, you hear his breathy moans and grunts as he chases his high. Your hand roams to his balls and gives them a gentle squeeze.

“Oh god, I’m going to cum baby.”

You wanted him to cum in your mouth, you wanted to taste everything he had to offer so you carried on, opening your throat and ready to swallow.

“I’m cumming, fuuuuuck” Joel cries out as he cums, filling your mouth which you swallow down.

As he calms down from his high you look up at him and say,

“Feel better?” With a mischievous grin.

“Fuck yes. Now it’s your turn.” He grabs you and leads you to your room.

I would literally do anything for Pedro pascal 🥵🥵🥵🥵 damnnn. I think I must have read every one of the fanfics about him, had to give this a go. Basically living my fantasties through fics right now 🤣

[daisy-has-too-many-wives]

PART 2

As Bee left, Crowley turned to his phone, walking over to the small coffee table in the middle of the staffroom with his toast. Having a free period 1st was always good, especially on a Monday. He scrolled through his various apps, nothing calling out to him before his eyes lingered on a post from their brother school, Samaels Academy for boys. "We are pleased to welcome our new school Librarian, Mr. A.Z Fell. Mr Fell, Previously from Wales, Will be taking the position left by Mr Pulsifer. Mr Fell will be starting in week 3, and we wish to give him a big welcome into our school. Remember, school sports day is-" Crowley's eyes skipped over the reminders, He didn't care. He wasn't required to go, and none of his students would be going so it didn't matter to him. His eyes lingered on the man in the picture, it was a picture of two people. One whom he recognised was Gabriel, the stuffy school principal of the boy's school, and the other person who he was certain was A.Z Fell. This man was Gorgeous He had short white-blonde hair, and clear blue eyes that looked like the sky on a day like today. The man had style, Crowley had to admit, although her could never see himself in a beige waistcoat set, he couldn't seem to imagine Mr. Fell wearing anything else. He most certainly would fit in with the teachers and students at the brother's school, which was all known and had a reputation for being the most prestigious and proper school in the entire region. Yes, St. Agnes’ and Samaels schools were ‘sibling’ schools, but they were both completely unlike the other. St. Agnes was private, yes, but had a high acceptance rate, and its payment rates were low seeing as it was in the centre of town and had a high attendance and student roll. Samaels on the other hand were almost impossible to get into. They only took 100 each year, and if you were out of the zone, you couldn't come. Even after that, the payment rates were high, and many families have been recorded having to leave halfway through the year due to costs. St. Agnes’ girls students were always seen everywhere, always being loud, outspoken and known for teaching young girls how to take their place in the world. Samaels, was again, very proper, with the students being forced to do everything correctly, down to the sock brand on their uniforms. Which is why, Crowley was pleasantly surprised to see such a kind-looking teacher at such a ruthless school. But then again, Crowley looked like a Goth most of the time, with his dark red hair, black turtleneck and black jeans, and people were always surprised to find out he was a teacher at an all-girls school, not a tattoo parlour. So who was he to judge the book by the cover? Bored of the staffroom, and having finished his toast, Crowley left the room and decided to go and help out with some of the older students' classes, a favourite thing of his, it was often known and spoken about, that Crowley was one of the most chill teachers in the whole school, often just drifting around in class, telling you where you were right and wrong, then out of nowhere, having a full-on discussion with you about whatever subject you wanted to talk to him about. This is why kids liked him so much, although he would never know this, they liked that he was so open, so trusting and that so many of them felt like he was actually listening to what they were telling him. He was so many students' favourite teacher, and made students for one, actually enjoy a science lesson.



AAAAAAA OH MY GOODNESS I LOVE THIS

[violetsystems]

I grilled some chicken last night by myself and watched the flash. I thought it was flawed, largely dumb but well written. I like the theme of the pain being what defines us. And it is something everyone wants to rub into each other so they don’t learn from their own. Dark flash is the best part of the movie although the cameo scenes are weird and hollow at the end. It was nice to see Michael Keaton Batman relevant after all those movies. They should stick with the film’s super casting for the future movies. I don’t see gender as relevant in that role anymore. If only somebody could run fast enough in time to pick up all the garbage in this neighborhood. Just kidding that’s my job. Speaking of labor. I’m still in this grey zone between being offered this junior position on a holiday where everyone judges everyone else by “how hard they work.” They did say it might take seventy one days and I can afford to wait. Which is funny because nobody can afford anything. Even a house unless your parents hand you one. It was nice to grill on the porch but sadly I’m sure somebody will grief that eventually. Like dark flash I think people out here need to start understanding the law of diminishing returns. If my life is a constant runaway of judgement? There’s a point where it no longer bothers me as much. I just expect people are negative and communicate what they want from you through bullying. Very easy to manipulate from the data side of things. It is about training yourself to know what is important to react to and what is just a trick, prank or minority report style social experiment. If the truth really is that you can change things if you pace yourself? Things of quality have no fear of time. Knowing your limitations is a strength. Everybody out here is the center of the universe. That’s why eventually they will be torn apart by their own undoing. That’s a hard thing to watch if you care too much about people guilting you into their life when there’s nothing coming back. The vibe is always there in the form of what they leave behind. Trash or other wise. It points the direction you need to go. Forward. You can look back if you learn from your mistakes. Repeating them. Somethings you can’t change. So I don’t know if I’m so negative at looking at what I choose by free will to keep as my focus in life. Which is love. Funny thing about love is you can see the opposite in people very clearly no matter how hard they try to justify it. Which makes the flash even more a story about addiction and acceptance. ⚡️

[vainvenus]

⌲;꒰ Head over heels. ꒱

Pairing(s): Vance Hopper x Gn!Reader

Summary: You're the only person Vance can stand being around or talking to.

Includings: No Grabber!Au, best friends to lovers, chill x hothead dynamic, kinda ooc vance, jealousy, bit of a slowburn, mutual pinning, happy ending tho!

An: First post for Vancey boy! 💪🏾

I don't like the ending bc it was rushed a hard to write

"And now I'm the one who's in trouble! Me? Because that fucking dipshit and his stupid ass friend bumped into me!"

You hummed in response so that he knew that you were still listening to him as you were looking for your dark blue lighter.

You were listening to Vance rant, having just learned that he was now banned from the Grab-And-Go for a week for starting a fight all because some boy's bumped into the pinball game he was obsessed with.

"It's fucking stupid and I should've kept pounding his head into the floor until he passed out."

You had found your lighter and grabbed a lavender scented incense, lighting it and letting the flame burn before you blew at it and put it in the incense holder.

"It was an accident, Vance. You should've handled it more responsibly and walked away from the situation."

He had furrowed his brows, he knew that you were right but he was still too stubborn to admit it at the moment so he rolled his eyes.

"Whatever. The fuckers should've watched where they were going." He said, crossing his arms over his chest.

You nodded "Yes, they should have. I'm sorry you got kicked out, Vance. I'll make sure no one beats your high score."

Although Vance was in the wrong for him beating the boys up over a something like that you didn't want him to feel like the way he felt about the situation was invalid or him overreacting.

You walked over to your record player, going through a few of your discs to find something to play so that he at least wouldn't be in such a bitter mood.

You smiled softly as you pulled out one of the discs and put it into the record player, placing the stylus on it as it had started playing 'Dancing Queen' by Abba and you turned your head to smile at Vance.

"C'mon..I know you want to." You said, walking towards him and chuckling softly as you grabbed his hand and tried to pull him up from his spot on the bed.

"I don't fuckin dance... especially not to Abba." He said and you knew for a fact that he was lying because the last time you borrowed his mixtape player it was one of the first songs that played.

"Dancing is a good way to free your body from negative energy. Something you seem to have a lot of." You had said as you swayed to the music, the sound of the multiple bracelets you wore shaking together.

Vance narrowed his eyes up at you "That's bullshit."

"Is not! Works for me whenever I'm angry."

He furrowed his brows "I've never seen you angry before though."

"That's because I don't show it. I don't let my emotions control my actions or mouth. I find better ways to release my anger."

Vance had thought about that sentence for a while. He wondered what you were like if you were to finally snap like how he does, furrowed brows and shouting profanities like a sailor.

"Dance with me, Vance! C'mon!!"

He groaned as he rolled his eyes and stood up from his spot on your bed and stiffly moved to the song like he was a robot and you couldn't help but laugh.

"What's so funny?!"

"You dance like we're at our first dance together and the slow song just came on!" You had giggled. "Loosen up!"

Vance had glared playfully at you. "I thought this was a judge free zone?"

"Oh it is...just not for stiff dancers."

The boy had chuckled at this, a genuine one that showed his teeth and he couldn't even be mad about the situation that happened earlier.

It was always like this when he would go to you to rant for a bit, you would talk to him and make him feel like his feelings were completely valid, you reassured him every single time but scolded him rightfully.

You were the comfort he longed for constantly. That missing peace in his life. You felt like what home should've felt like for him.

You were sweet and caring. Not once could he think of a time where you yelled at him even if he was screaming his lungs out at you. You were understanding and he loved that, he love that you knew his better than he knew himself.

Vance loved you.

"Hey, Vance!"

He snapped from his thoughts as he looked over to you who was back at the record player, going through your discs once more. He was sure you had every song under the sun with the stack you had.

"Any song requests?"

"Hotel California."

"Gotcha!"

♡

When you heard your door swim open an slam shut you hadn't even questioned it at this point, already knowing who the culprit was.

You turned your attention away from the painting you were working on as you turned to look at Vance who looked like he was already angry if you couldn't tell by the door slam.

"What's the matter now?"

"Nothing. What're you doing?"

You had knew that he was lying but you would take care of what was bothering him when he wanted to talk about it so you gestured to the canvas.

"I'm painting. The sky's really pretty right now so I'm trying to capture it while I can." You had told him and he had rolled his eyes.

"You should try it. Painting can help let off steam." You said, dipping your brush back into the light pink paint.

You always tried to get Vance to paint or draw with you, telling him it was a good way to express his anger without yelling or breaking something but art just wasn't his forte.

"i don't paint. It's hard to work with and I'm not good at it." Vance had complained as he crossed his arms, standing beside you while staring at your painting.

"Oh c'mon, the last time you painted with me was a finger painting."

"I don't care."

You shrugged as you turned back to the canvas, glancing back at the sky before you went back and had glided your brush against the canvas, letting the music playing fill in the silence.

Vance shifted in the spot next to you, eyes glancing from the painting before back to the sky which was a mixture of soft purple, blues and pinks with the sun peaking from them.

He looked back to you as you were back into focus mode. Your eyebrows knitting together whenever you were like this and he couldn't help but smile a bit at the expression.

"Starings rude, y'know."

His face immediately shifted and he had scoffed "I wasn't staring, asshole! I was looking at the painting!"

"Mhm..you sure you don't wanna give painting another go? You don't even have to paint the sky you can paint your emotions and-"

Vance swiftly cut you off "Just give me a canvas and brush before you start with your hippie emotion bullshit."

You had giggled softly as you went to grab another canvas and easel, setting them beside your own as you gave Vance an empty pallette and set the paints between the two of you.

He picked up the blue paint and looked back over at you who seemed to be caught up in finishing up your painting and he had smirked.

He had opened it as turned his body a bit as he squirted it onto the palm of his hands, rubbing them together and pressing them against the canvas.

He watched as you turned to him with a smile before your smile had dropped. "Vance, really?! C'mon! I thought you were behind finger and hand painting! You're gonna make a mess!"

He had smirked, reaching out to touch you as you had backed away. "Vance Hopper! Don't!"

"Don't what? Do this?"

He had grabbed you arm to pull you towards him as he pressed his palm against your cheek now leaving a blue handprint there as he pulled away laughing.

"Asshole!" You had playfully shouted as you grabbed the pink paint and rubbed it across your palms, now pressing your hands against his face and he had laughed loudly as he pressed his hands back against yours.

You both pulled away to reach for more paint, a childish game now being played between the two of you as you were grabbing different colors.

Red, blue, pink, purple and yellow handprints were plastered all over your faces, arms and even shirts. Neither of you were mad at the mess though now on the floor and laughing at how idiotic the two of you looked.

"You're an idiot, Vance! I'm gonna have to take like four showers!"

"Oh stop complaing! You literally fought back."

You giggled as you looked at the red paint on your finger and rolled closer to Vance as you lazily drew a heart on the back of his hand.

Vance stared at the red heart with wide eyes before he looked back at you who had that same bright smile on your face that made his heart skip a beat.

"See, you could've just drew that on me but you wanted to be a childish asshole." You hummed, pressing red paint again this nose and Vance stared at you.

Yeah.

Vance had already fallen in love but he was falling harder.

♡

The next time Vance had came over he had noticed that you had the music playing again but he could also make out the sound of another person.

The two you seemed to be laughing together, the sound overbearing the song that was playing at the moment and he furrowed his brows.

He stomped up in the stairs and made a B-line for your room, gripping onto the doorknob, twisting it and pushing the door so roughly that it slammed against the wall when he entered the room.

His eyes glanced from you who was staring at him with wide eyes gore he glanced over the person you had been laughing with.

Bruce Yamada. somebody he wasn't too fond of just because he was everything Vance wasn't. Popular (for the right reasons), kind and caring, not a bad bone in his body. Everyone either wanted to be him or be with him.

He noticed that you were holding his hand with a bottle of blue nail polish in your other hand as the two of you were staring at him with wide and confused expressions.

"Vance. Stop entering my mom trying to catch me doing drugs."

"The hell is he doing here?" He completely disregarded your statement, glaring at Bruce and oh if looks could kill the Yamada's would be having a funeral.

Bruce had only smiled that award winning smile at Vance though "We're painting nails! You-"

He had cut him off swiftly, venom dripping from his tone as he spoke "I wasn't talking to you, asshole."

You had frowned as you looked up at blonde, placing the nail polish back in the tube. "Vance you shouldn't talk to him like that. He hasn't done anything to you."

You were right, Bruce was innocent and all he did was answer his question but Vance was acting on his emotions right now which were pure jealousy and fury.

"And? I wasn't fuckin' talking to him so why did he even reply?" Vance spat and Bruce awkwardly sat there.

You had narrowed your eyes slightly at Vance before inhaling and exhaling softly, looking back to Bruce with a small smile.

"Bruce, I'm sorry to cut this short but can we continue another time? I think me and Vance need to have a talk."

"Yeah..of course. Sorry for..uhm.."

"No, don't apologize. You didn't do anything wrong. You told him, glancing back to Vance back to him.

"Get home safe, mkay?" You commented and he had smiled and nodded at this. "I'll call you when I get home. Thanks for having me." He had waved you goodbye, slipping past Bruce and out the door.

Once you heard the door from downstairs close you had gathered up the nail polish and put them back into your box.

You turned to turn off the record player and looked back at Vance who was giving a distasteful look to the wall.

"Wanna tell me what that was about?"

He hadn't answered, keeping his eyes away from yours and after a short while he had just shrugged.

"Don't just shrug at me." With the way you were talking with him he was sure you were irritated and it only upset him more when he realized he ruined your mood.

"That was completely uncalled for." You stated, gesturing to Vance who looked like a child being chided for the first time.

He shrugged again, his words being stuck in that lump in his throat and he watched as you crossed your arms, shaking your head like a disappointed parent.

"I don't know what made you so upset before you came here but it gave you no right to call Bruce names and get angry with him."

Vance knew this, he knew he was in the wrong all the way this time but he couldn't help it, always thinking with his mouth and fists and never that head of his.

He huffed "Yeah? Well, he shouldn't even fucking being over here....with you...alone."

You raised your brows, holding back the urge to scoff "So you're the only one who gets to be alone in my room with me?"

"No! I...I'm not saying that but-"

"Then what are you saying, Vance?"

And there it was, that word vomit that he had been trying so hard to hold back.

"I'm saying that I love you, okay?! I fucking love you and every time I'm around you I just fall harder for you!" He shouted, voice cracking like he was on the verge of tears.

"So yes when I saw you alone, painting nails and giggling with Bruce 'Hearthrob' Yamada I was a little pissed off!"

It was silent after that.

Not even any music playing in the background to fill it up, just complete silence and the heavy pants of Vance.

It was probably four minutes of silence before you had spoke up.

"So you mean to tell me..you were rude to Bruce because you were jealous?"

Vance had gave a small nod, biting on the inside of his cheek.

You had let out a huff, chuckling a bit "Vance...that had got to be the most idiotic thing you've ever done. I don't even like Bruce like that, we're like siblings ."

"Oh.." Vance mumbled, now more embarrassed than before. He would definitely owe the boy an apology at school tomorrow.

"And plus, I'm not really into baseball players, I like people who play pinball."

His eyes widened slightly as he pointed to himself "You're... You're talking about me, right?"

"No Vance, I'm obviously talking about Moose. Yes, you."

"Why me?"

You tilted your head in confusion "What do you mean?"

"I mean, why me? I'm not definitely not a dreamboat like Bruce or-"

He was cut off by your lips on his, that vanilla flavored ChapStick you always wore now glossing over his lips and he stared at you like a deer in headlights when you pulled away.

You tilted your head and shrugged "I don't want dreamboat Bruce or any other person you're about to name."

You grabbed his hand and held him softly while grinning up at him "I want been my best friend for years troublemaker Vance."

It was quiet for a bit and Vance rubbed his thumb over the palm of your hand after you made it pretty clear that you weren't letting his hand go.

"You sure?"

You placed another kiss on his cheek, pretending to think for a moment before nodding.

"Positive. Couldn't see myself with anyone else."

He had smiled and brought you close to wrap his arms around you and decided that walking over to the bed would just be too much and he slid down the wall onto the floor with you.

With you laying on his chest and playing with his curls that definitely needed a good wash or brush he had heard you mumble;

"Well...maybe Keanu Reeves..."

"[Y/n]."

"Joking! Joking! You gotta admit he's pretty though"

He gestured to himself "Am I not?"

"Oh you are! Prettiest boy in Denver. But have you seen Keanu Reeves?"

Sure he had competition with Keanu Reeves but at least he knew that he outranked everyone in Denver.

[pinchofhoney]

Request: Reader and his partner were arguing until he slaps her and she slaps him back, when Reader realizes what he did he flees to the cemetery. Everything was happening in view of Joel who goes and consoles her.

six feet in the ground

gif is not mine, credit to the owner

joel miller x fem!reader

word count: 3.3k

warning: platonic relationship, mention of abuse, argument

summary: During a difficult time when your partner has let you down and broken your trust, it's reassuring to remember that you have other people in your life whom you can rely on no matter what.

a/n: hello there, anon!!<33 it's nice to see you on my page, i hope you like what i have prepared for you!

due to my ongoing obsession with the last of us, my inbox is wide open all the time for your story ideas with joel!! feel free to share your ideas with me, i'll be happy to make them happen<33

every like and reblog is very much appreciated!!

pages that may interest you: masterlist ♡ taglist ♡ who i write for

tag list: @wolfmoonmusic @alexxavicry @babypeapoddd

As the rain continued to pour down on you, you felt as though it was washing away not just the tears but also a part of your soul. The downpour was unrelenting, much like the pain that now consumed you. You had never thought that your partner would lay a hand on you, but now you had a throbbing reminder on your cheek. You couldn't believe that it had happened, that the person you loved had hurt you like this.

As you stood there in the middle of the square, you felt like everyone was watching you, judging you. You slowly raised a trembling hand to your left cheek, over which a pinching pain was spreading, looking at the people nearby who had witnessed the incident that took place just a moment ago. Your gaze stopped on the man you could call your best friend without hesitation. Joel had been your confidante, someone you had trusted enough to share your problems with, but now you weren't sure if he would still see you in the same light.

You couldn't think straight, your mind a blur of emotions. You felt a sense of emptiness, as if a part of you had been hollowed out. You had always thought that you and your partner were meant to be together forever, but now you weren't so sure. How could you be with someone who would hurt you like this? You blinked several times, lowering your hand and breaking eye contact with Joel.

You looked around the square once more, feeling lost and alone. You wanted to disappear, to run away from everything and everyone. You hugged yourself tightly, trying to find some comfort in your own embrace, but it was no use. You felt exposed, vulnerable, and embarrassed. The tears and the raindrops continued to mix together as you quickly walked away, unsure of where you were going or what you were going to do next.

But how did you even end up in this situation?

You have been waiting for some bigger smuggling job for a while now, and finally, that day had arrived. Although you were excited, you also felt a bit anxious since this was your first extended job of this kind. It was a week-long trip and so for that reason you worked closely with your best friend, who was more experienced in smuggling than you.

As you arrived at your destination, things went smoothly. The job was challenging, but you made steady progress each day without any significant issues. You and Joel would spend quality time together, discussing work and catching up on your personal lives. Although you both lived in the same Boston Quarantine Zone, you didn’t see each other daily, so you savored every moment of the trip, despite its difficulties. You felt grateful to have Joel by your side, and it was a welcome reprieve from your partner Ezekiel, with whom you'd been arguing over trivial matters more frequently lately.

After a week of being away on your smuggling assignment with Joel, you were eager to return home. However, as you arrived back in the Quarantine Zone this afternoon, you immediately sensed that something was off. The sky was ominously covered with dark clouds, and the wind was picking up speed, signaling the imminent arrival of a storm.

You were relieved that you were close to home and would be able to take shelter soon. As you made your way through the main square with Joel, you spotted Ezekiel watching you both with a scowl on his face. Ignoring his unpleasant demeanor, you continued to discuss with Joel when you would go to receive your payment. Both of you were tired and wanted to complete the formalities after a short break.

After saying good bye to the man, you eagerly approached Ezekiel, who started to walk away, with a smile on your lips, hoping for a warm welcome. However, as you got closer, you felt the tension in the air, and you knew that something was wrong. Ezekiel's attitude was cold and distant, and it was clear that he was not happy to see you.

As you began to walk together towards your home, the silence between you was deafening. You tried to engage him in conversation, but he was unresponsive, and his body language was closed off. The entire time, you couldn't shake the feeling that something significant had occurred while you were away.

“Are you okay?” you asked, tiling your head to glance at your partner.

“I’m fine,” Ezekiel shrugged and darted a quick glance at you.

“Are you upset?” you persisted, keeping your gaze fixed on him, except when you had to pass someone.

“Why would I be upset?” Ezekiel remained silent, indicating that you had hit a nerve.

“You’re acting strange, is something bothering you?” you asked, growing more confused by the second.

“You know exactly what’s bothering me,” he snapped, his anger now palpable.

You were completely bewildered. You had no clue what he was talking about. “I’m sorry, but I don’t understand,” you said.

“Joel,” Ezekiel spat out stopping in the middle of the sidewalk, his tone full of disgust. “I don’t like the way he looks at you.”

Your heart skipped a beat at the mention of Joel's name. You couldn't believe what you were hearing. “What do you mean, Ezekiel?” you asked incredulously. “He's been helping me with the smuggling job for the past week. There's nothing between us.”

“I saw the way he was looking at you,” Ezekiel said, his voice rising with each word. “I don't trust him. He's been trying to get with you since day one.”

“That's not true,” you protested. “Joel and I are just friends. He knows we’re together and besides that, it was you who introduced me to him.”

“He's just waiting for his chance,” Ezekiel growled. “I don't want you around him anymore.”

You couldn't believe what you were hearing. Ezekiel was always possessive, but you never thought he would be so jealous of your friendship with Joel. “That's not fair, Ezekiel,” you said, feeling the first drops of rain hitting your skin. “You know Joel is just a friend.”

“I don't care,” Ezekiel said, his voice cold and unyielding. “I don't want him around you.”

You shook your head in disbelief.

“That's not going to happen, Ezekiel. Joel is my best friend and I won't give that up because you're jealous.”

Ezekiel's face twisted in anger, and you could see the rain pouring down around you. “Fine,” he said through gritted teeth. “But don't come running to me when he tries to make a move on you,” he significantly pointed at you with his index finger.

“Something like this will never happen and you know that.”

But Ezekiel was not convinced and continued to argue with you, loudly accusing you of being unfaithful and not caring about your relationship. You tried to reason with him, but his anger was too intense for him to listen. The argument only escalated, drawing attention from the people around you.

As you look back on the situation now, you can't help but think about what might have been if you had only listened to Ezekiel words and let go. Maybe if you had accepted his point, waited for his temper to cool down, and approached the subject of Joel with a calm demeanor, things might have turned out differently. But your prideful nature wouldn't allow you to back down. You refused to relinquish control, unwilling to be the target of Ezekiel's wrath and succumb to his demands. And now, you can't help but feel the crushing weight of remorse for your stubbornness, knowing that your refusal to concede has led to an irreversible outcome.

As the heavens opened up and raindrops battered down on you, drenching your clothes and adding to the discomfort, the argument with Ezekiel hit a fever pitch. The mere suggestion that you had been unfaithful to him wounded you deeply, and the fact that he had the audacity to try and dictate who you could and couldn't spend time with ignited a fury within you. It was in this moment of intense emotion that a searing pain shot through your cheek, and before you knew it, your body had retaliated with a hit of its own.

Both of you were left standing there, stunned into silence by the sudden escalation of the conflict. Although you had argued often in recent times, physical violence had never once come into play. You opened your mouth to speak, but the words caught in your throat as the rain continued to pummel down on you, its unrelenting presence blurring your vision and making it difficult to see clearly.

“Fuck it all,” Ezekiel snarled, breaking the silence. He spat near your shoes before turning and walking away with heavy steps filled with anger. You watched his figure disappear into the rain, feeling a mix of sadness and rage inside you.

You shook your head, desperate to erase the haunting memories of the moments that had just transpired. Your arms wrapped more tightly around your shivering frame as the cold penetrated your very bones, causing your body to quiver uncontrollably. You sniffled, wiping your nose with a futile attempt to rid yourself of the constant rain, which had reduced you to a sopping mess.

You had no idea where Ezekiel was headed since he had walked off in the opposite direction of your place. But even if you had, the mere thought of returning to your four walls left you feeling hollow and alone. The job had made you yearn for the warmth of your humble abode, but now it was the last place on earth you wanted to be.

Home was out of the question, and the idea of seeking solace with Tess was just as unappealing. After all, she lived with Joel, the very person who had triggered the argument with Ezekiel. So, without any other options available to you, you made your way towards the underground tunnels that you often used with other smugglers. However, you knew that you needed to be doubly careful, watching out for any FEDRA soldiers who might be patrolling the area. The sight of a person with a backpack in a downpour could be enough to attract their attention, and the last thing you wanted was to find yourself in their crosshairs.

As you approached the hatch of one of the tunnels, a sudden hand landed on your shoulder, causing your heart to leap into your throat. Panic and fear coursed through your veins as you tried to make sense of the situation. Your mind raced, calculating the odds of being discovered by FEDRA and the consequences that would inevitably follow. You couldn't afford to let them find out about the tunnels and expose your fellow smugglers to danger.

In a split second, you froze, trying to discern the identity of the person behind you and assessing the danger you were in. You couldn't shake the feeling of unease that settled in the pit of your stomach. Was it a soldier? Or worse, were there more of them lurking in the shadows, waiting to pounce on you? You didn't have much time to think before you had to take action.

Acting purely on instinct, you grabbed the stranger's hand and twisted it sharply, catching them off guard. Their sudden yelp of pain echoed through the tunnel as you turned to face your attacker, your heart racing with adrenaline. You were relieved to see that it wasn't a FEDRA soldier, but Joel, who has had to follow you all this time. The thoughts raced through your mind, each one more frantic than the last. Why hadn't he said anything? Why didn't he try to catch up to you sooner? Perhaps he had been trying to catch up to you all along, but the chaos of the moment had clouded your senses. Your mind had been so consumed with the urgency of escaping the Zone that you hadn't even noticed. You were so determined to disappear from the sight of everyone that you had become oblivious to everything else around you.

Despite the momentary relief, you knew that danger still lurked around every corner, and you couldn't let your guard down for even a second. The stakes were high, and the consequences of being caught were severe.

Your face flushed with embarrassment as you let go of Joel's hand, “I'm so sorry!” you apologized, feeling awkward for mistaking him as someone from FEDRA. The rain continued to pour down, drumming against the ground in a steady rhythm. You scanned your surroundings, making sure that you were safe from any prying eyes.

“I thought it was someone from FEDRA,” you explained quickly, still feeling the rush of adrenaline from the encounter. Joel nodded understandingly, his eyes scanning the area as well.

Joel nodded understandingly, his eyes scanning the area as well. Without hesitation, he grabbed your arm and led you towards the entrance of the tunnel. He hastily opened the hatch and motioned for you to go in first.

Without hesitation, he took hold of your arm and led you towards the entrance of the tunnel. He swiftly opened the hatch and gestured for you to go first. “After you,” he said, his voice calm and reassuring. You stepped inside the tunnel, feeling relieved to finally be out of the rain. Joel followed closely behind, shutting the hatch behind him. The sound of the rain was muffled now, replaced by the echoing drip of water droplets from the tunnel ceiling.

As you both settled into the dimly lit tunnel, the awkward silence between you was palpable. You couldn't help but feel self-conscious about the altercation with Ezekiel and the possibility that Joel had heard everything. You scanned your surroundings, taking in the damp walls and small puddles on the ground. Despite the discomfort, you were relieved to be out of the rain.

With a heavy sigh, you removed your backpack and ran a hand through your wet hair, brushing it away from your face. You leaned against the cool wall, feeling the dampness seeping through your clothes, and slid down onto the dirt floor. The sound of water droplets echoed throughout the tunnel, creating a calming backdrop to the tense atmosphere between you and Joel.

The man leaned against the wall opposite you, his arms folded over his chest as he looked down at you. Before he could say anything, you spoke up.

“I don't want to talk about what happened,” you said quickly, hoping to end the conversation before it started.

Joel persisted, “But he hit you-”

Cutting him off, you interrupted, “And I hit him too. It's in the past now. Let's just forget about it. Pretend like you didn't see or hear anything,” you added, pulling your knees up to your chest and resting your head on them, clearly indicating that you didn't want to discuss the matter any further.

You heard Joel's heavy sigh and the sound of a backpack falling to the ground. He finally got rid of his own as well. Pebbles rustled under his shoes as he crouched down. Joel's voice grew stern as he spoke again. “You can't just pretend like nothing happened. You were assaulted, and it's not something you can just brush off,” his eyes bore into you, and you could feel the weight of his concern.

You felt a surge of anger rise up in you. “I don't need your pity, Joel. I can take care of myself,” you spat out. You hated feeling vulnerable, and you didn't want anyone to see you that way, least of all Joel.

He didn't back down. “I'm not trying to pity you. I'm trying to help you,” he said, his voice softening. “You don't have to deal with this alone.”

You shook your head. “I'm fine, Joel. I've dealt with worse than this.”

“And what, you'll just go home like that? And then you'll lie down next to him in bed, pretending as if he hadn't made you a scene of jealousy in the middle of the Zone half an hour ago at all?” Joel's voice was laced with concern, his eyes wandered over your face.

“C'mon Joel, go back to Tess and stay out of this. It's none of your business…” you snapped, feeling a surge of irritation at his meddling. You shuddered, feeling the damp clothes sticking to your skin and making you even more uncomfortable. The fatigue from the last few days was starting to catch up with you, and you couldn't tell if the heat on your cheeks was a fever or just exhaustion.

“None of my business?” Joel's voice was incredulous, his head tilted to the side as he raised an eyebrow. “Funny, because I have the impression that my name was mentioned several times in your sweet conversation. Doesn't that make me part of the issue?”

You glared at him, feeling a surge of anger. “No, Joel, you're not part of the issue. This is between me and Ezekiel, and we can handle it ourselves. I don't need you getting involved.”

Joel's eyes narrowed, and he leaned in closer to you. “You sure about that? Because it looks to me like you're not doing so well right now. And I don't want to see you getting hurt anymore.”

“And what do you supposedly want to do about it?”

Joel's face hardened as he spoke, his voice low and menacing. “Find him and tell him that if he ever lays a hand on you again, I'll make sure he regrets it for the rest of his miserable life.”

You couldn't help but chuckle at Joel's overprotective attitude, shaking your head in disbelief. “Come on, Joel, you're being ridiculous. It's not like this has happened before,” you said, trying to downplay the situation.

Joel's eyes were focused on you the whole time as he continued to speak, his tone becoming more serious. “I don't care if it's never happened before. He shouldn't be laying a hand on you, ever. Besides, you seemed exceptionally happy to get a break from him this week and that's not a good sign. You shouldn't have to feel relieved to be away from your partner, especially not in the middle of a world like this.”

You felt a lump form in your throat as you listened to Joel's words. He was right, of course, but you didn't want to think about it. You didn't want to think about the fact that your relationship with Ezekiel had been deteriorating for a while now. That he had become increasingly possessive and controlling, and that his jealousy had reached a boiling point today.

You let out a deep sigh, your breath misting in the chilly air. “I know,” you said softly, “but there's nothing you can do about it. I'll deal with it on my own.”

Joel shook his head. “I can't just stand by and watch while you're being mistreated like this. It's not right.”

“Joel, please,” you said, pleading with him. “I appreciate your concern, but this is something I have to handle myself. I'll talk to Ezekiel, I'll figure something out.”

Joel didn't look convinced, but he nodded. “Okay,” he said finally. “But if you ever need anything, you know where to find me.”

You managed a small smile. “Thanks, Joel. I appreciate it.”

The two of you sat in silence for a few moments, the only sound the drip-drip of water from somewhere in the tunnel. You shivered again, feeling the cold seeping into your bones. You were exhausted, emotionally and physically drained. All you wanted was to curl up and sleep for a week. But you knew you couldn't. You had to face Ezekiel, had to try and fix things between the two of you. It wouldn't be easy, but you were determined to try.

[gag-magazine]

Protecting Your Peace, or Being a Pussy?

By Yellen Art by Raneem Iftekhar

Putting male comedians on a pedestal for so many years of my life was horrid for my mental health. I love their Jester’s privilege. Their pursuit of truth. Their ability to point out the negative realities people don't wish to acknowledge. True catalysts for justice. 

Comedy insidiously slips in revolutionary critique in an extremely palatable manner, due to the very nature of its entertainment. The jokes, these necessary reality checks, hold immense power in reframing thought, twisting taboo into norm. If it’s funny, it’s funny. Audience laughter is visceral. uncontrollable. reflects an acceptance of the underlying principle of the bit. The beginning of a somewhat unconscious questioning—a shift in ingrained ideology, although potentially initially uncomfortable.

I wanted to be like them, but I just grew into a menace, playing my favorite sadistic game whenever possible. This favorite pastime involved going out of my way to make my moral adversaries as uncomfortable as possible, verbalizing the unappetizing elephant in the room. I know what you did last summer. No care for pleasantries: let’s let the dirt rise to the surface. I won’t let this blow over. Cunt. You aren’t hidden. As long as I’m here. I will corner you. Trap you into confession. 

I was always searching for something or someone to trigger me so I can simulate judge and jury, desperately grasping to feel any sort of power or agency in guaranteeing justice. To instigate some revelation about their lacking morality. To catalyze their own self-reflection and potentially inspire real change. You don’t want to let them off hook, allow them to enjoy the party, same as you, living peacefully with what they’ve done. It feels so deeply wrong to settle with your own discomfort as perpetrators go free. Would you let Harvey Weinstein enjoy his meal at the table next to yours? 

But it’s a flawed strategy. On par with cancel culture’s delusion that it actually serves justice. The only one being punished is yourself as you deep dive into a black tar pit. Stuck. bogged down by their darkness. All you are doing is fucking up your nervous system, extending the timeline of your own anger, letting it cramp in your gut. P.S. Comedians are infamously known to be such happy people! Maybe comedy has always been a medium to complain about the things outside our control…to poke fun at our powerlessness. Maybe it’s not this revolutionary instrument of social change you think it is, but merely reaffirms people’s values. You just romanticize being a dick because that’s all you know. 

Protecting your peace isn’t overrated.  Karma will get them. Remind yourself that real change comes from a place of love. You didn’t even make it funny. You just put them in defense mode, clutching their comfort zone and validating their own worth as their humanity is attacked. The opposite of your “intentions.” Self-disillusionment, the process of confronting the violence of your own automatic assumptions and reframing them comes from within…But your anger is righteous and what’s the alternative? Ambivalence? Complacency? It’s a difficult balance.

I’m on a painstaking journey to deconstruct my perfectionism and shift my judgmental lens in the name of self love. I’m typically the biggest victim and the most common target of my seething hatred. In attempting to free my soul from this negativity, I try to remind myself that firstly, it’s ok to fuck up. And secondly, not every moment is a defining moment…But is it, though? Life has this magic essence to it, this circular mirroring of sorts, in which specific microcosms reflect greater patterns. Life is full of fractal reflections between small and large instances: no matter how deep you dig, you arrive on a fraction of the same thing. I usually collect people’s words like trinkets to add to a comprehensive psychological file I reserve in my brain. I’m addicted to retrieving more data to fill in my mental picture. Yes, that data says something. But not everything is a part of a greater pattern. Remember that they are so much more than what you see or hear. You aren’t engaging in critical thought, you are just critical. Keep telling yourself it was always about them and not some grand overcompensation for your own self-hatred. Everything is a mirror, after all. Stop projecting. 

Today it dawned on me how much I’ve really changed. I’ve been making an excruciating effort to be kinder to myself. But in turn, I’ve become a straight up pussy. Now we have arrived at the extremely stupid reason I wrote this piece: because of two petty instances of girls disrespecting me last week. One of them involved some frigid bitch rolling her eyes at me and then ignoring me when I introduced myself. I humbly asked for her name and ignored her cuntiness. The other involved some alt chick cutting me in line. I said under my breath with my head down, “Don’t you hate when people cut?” and the bitch really hit me back with a loud “Ya I fucking hate when people cut” as she cuts. Now, I just said nothing. I’ve never felt like such a narc loser in my entire adult life, even though the concept of a fucking line has to be one of the most basic forms of common curtosy to ever exist. But She won. Hands down. Honestly I can’t even blame her. I have to respect her and I kind of want an enemies to lovers arch for us. 

But anywho, my past self would have paid big money to be awarded any opportunity to deliver some seething comeback her way. But I stood in silence and it’s been haunting me. I can’t believe I’m…chill..now. I stopped subtweeting for the most part on my instagram story because my compulsive desire to put people on blast has gotten me in trouble many a time. I’m growing up, choosing my battles, developing my prefrontal cortex. But I am still riddled with a deep sense of regret over my silence in both these dumb situations. Maybe I should have made a scene. Bowed down to her excellency and profusely apologized for entering her space in medieval english prose. 

God, no one tells you that protecting your peace feels absurdly fucking lame. [redacted]

_________

The original ending to this piece involved me personally naming the bitches that briefly hurt my ego and telling them to go fuck themselves, ironically undermining the healing narrative I championed in this entire article thus far over such petty, insignificant situations cuz its semi-funnyish (at best) commentary on my tendency to revert back to my nasty id instincts no matter how much I try to self-help out of being a chronic hater. But ultimately, the clickbait title of this piece presents a false binary: silence or explicit aggression. But I’ve come to learn that protecting your peace doesn’t make you a pussy; it’s just the opposite.

Let’s take a look at your doomed track record thus far. You allow disrespect to tally up until you reach a breaking point that has almost nothing to do with the straw that breaks the camel's back. Then you continue to publicly pop off on an anonymous adversary on social media, with a shield of comedy and just enough vagueness to avoid communicating directly, promptly and vulnerably. Fighting behind a black screen without even really admitting you’re fighting. Championing plausible deniability to slither out of actually confronting the problem with the person head-on. Calling someone out for some dumb bullshit they probably don’t even remember in a published article where they cannot defend themselves…That’s what being a pussy looks like. Yes, I know: there are people in this world that deserve to be bullied, and yes, it’s a real shame they don’t experience debilitating shame on a daily basis like you do. But ever heard of the saying, “Misery loves company?” You are ohhh, sooo predictable—following the classic “bullied becomes the bully” character arc. So quick to condemn but someone calls you weird once and you crumble. Do you feel less weak now or more than ever? No, no, I’ve got it all wrong? You’re powerful? Extremely secure? Such conviction. Praise be.

[eggplantgifs]

Welcome back from Skate Canada! What a great comp to get to watch live! Would you mind sharing your personal highlights?

not at all! i was thinking of making a thread on twitter but actually it's better to just put all my thoughts in one post here haha. i'll do my best to record some thoughts before i forget.

women:

it was wonderful to see rika, i really hope her injury is getting better and she takes it easy until nationals. her skating is very lovely and polished. i was feeling kind of stressed about her jumps before the competition but she was great in the free! the titanic program is good for her. i'm happy she got the highest PCS of the free skate.

rinka was really solid in general, i'm thrilled for her amazing gp debut. to think she started out with no gp assignments at all! her spins could use some work and i would have liked to see more speed in her step sequences but i think she'll get there. i love her tight air position on the 3A.

really happy for starr, i haven't seen her skate that well in a long time and i'm happy she medaled. would also like to see more speed and ice coverage from her.

young kind of got hosed by the judges, personally i would have given her silver here. i love her short program, the detail in her step sequence is fantastic. i don't like her fs as much, it doesn't stand out to me but maybe it will grow on me.

(horrifically embarrassing moment when the announcer announced young as "from japan" in the medal ceremony. the gasps of "NO" from the audience... yikes! anyway the girls were all really popular and went around after the medal ceremony signing autographs and taking photos with fans, eventually the announcer had to ask them to leave the ice so the zamboni could come out lol.)

i felt really bad for maddie schizas and the flower holder situation. that was stressful. i saw some flowers falling apart once they hit the ice as well. brings me back to 2017 skate america and the dead flies on the ice, but at least those weren’t going to trip anybody.

in general, the women's event was very "what just happened here" - we don't usually see this much movement in standings between the sp and fs in this discipline! otoh it's kind of cool to not be able to predict the results. few other performances i enjoyed include: ava ziegler (she's quite expressive), niina petrokina (interesting programs), yuhana yokoi's fs (her 2As are super airy...but oh, why must she always bomb the sp), lindsay thorngren's spins.

ice dance:

i like ice dance but am useless at figuring out scoring, so basically just going by vibes here.

lajoie/lagha were the revelation of the competition for me, i became a fan after watching them live. i was zoning out a bit during the rhythm dance (most of the RDs this season are just...not very interesting to me) until lala - they have amazing energy and a really fun program! they skate big and fast and just fill up the rink.

green/parsons are great skaters (especially michael) but i am not feeling their programs this season at all, which is a bit of a shame because i loved them last season. but since they just changed coaches, i’m sure it will take a while to adjust to the new training environment; hoping for the best for them. they had a hilarious exhibition, do check it out if you haven’t.

fear/gibson - lewis always looks like he’s having a great time out there and i enjoy that.

gilles/poirier - i think i like their free dance? although it does have a lot of music cuts. paul’s skating skills are A+.

pairs:

i love miura/kihara SO MUCH. they skate with so much passion and joy and just look like they’re having the time of their lives out there. the quality of their skating compared to the rest of the field was really, really obvious. they were by far the fastest team with the best skating skills and most stable pairs elements. big throws, fast and effortless lifts that covered a lot of ice. i’m still astounded that they’ve improved this much in only a few years. i’m really happy they won here, especially considering riku’s injury and the fact that they’ve only been doing runthroughs of their free for a few weeks (!!!) manifesting a world title for them this season, please gods give me this.

also enjoyed: chan/howe, sitting in the twist corner so we could see all the twists up close

men:

the men’s sp aged me about 50 years. so...many...pops...and falls...six skaters scored below 70. i think we were all a bit catatonic by the end of day 1. luckily the men (mostly) redeemed themselves in the free, and it was a good event to end on.

the energy in the arena exploded after keegan’s skate, and i can see why. he’s just fun to watch! he’s extremely fast, skates super close to the boards, and doesn’t do anything halfway. even his mistakes are dramatic - i thought he was going to go flying over the boards after saving a 3A - but for his last season, he had a great free skate to end his last skate canada.

i was worried about matteo, but he delivered one of the cleanest skates of the night! i can’t believe he landed the 4Lo, because he was popping all of them in practice. really happy for his medal. he’s so charming and i became a bigger fan after seeing him. the audience gave him lots of love after his free, which was good because it was very dead during the sp.

poor kao broke his lace during the free skate warmup, came back out with 20 seconds to go and landed a 4T right before the warmup ended. this kid. he was rock solid in all the practices and had the only clean skate in the sp, so honestly thanks for that. i love his speed and power, he goes into his jumps with no hesitation at all. just jaw-dropping quality jumps. he’s rough around the edges but has lots of potential. i’ll even forgive him for the beauty and the beast music because he’s only 17 and it’s cheesy in a good way. also proud of him for not getting level 2 spins this time.

also enjoyed: shoma’s free (shows his good qualities well), camden (he’s just nice to watch, jumps be damned), deniss’s exhibition (one of the few interesting exhibitions in the whole gala)

general thoughts:

audience tended to be pretty canadian-centric when it came to cheering, but shoma, miura/kihara, and rika got the loudest cheers after the canadian skaters.

the food is some of the worst i’ve had in an arena, and my standards are not high to begin with! all the water fountains were out of order as well. the only good thing was that security never checked anyone’s bags, so we ended up smuggling in food and ordering out.

not sure if this could be heard on the livestream but there was an extremely loud, squeaky noise whenever the rink’s A/C turned on. it was unbearably annoying but also unintentionally hilarious at times - like when a skater was doing a spin or step sequence and the A/C would make their skates sound like a speeding car skidding on a road.

overall it was a fun weekend! but also exhausting haha. i haven’t been to a skating competition in several years so it was great just to see live skating again. my favorite thing about live skating is the sense of speed and ice coverage that is completely different from watching on a screen - and of course, the audience reaction to a good performance. there’s really no replacing that feeling.

[heliads]

Arguments and Abandonment

After a fight causes you to leave Brooklyn and your childhood friend Spot Conlon behind, you decide to trade your old life for Manhattan and try to forget the whole thing. However, your feelings about Spot can’t stay in the past forever, especially when you’re forced to return to Brooklyn once again.

masterlist

You had known Spot for a very long time. You’d been there with him, back when he wasn’t the King of Brooklyn, when neither of you were newsies at all. You had been much younger then, having to protect each other on the streets when all you two had were the shirts on your backs. You trusted him like no one else, and he felt the same about you.

Then, he had become a newsie. Not content to stay back, you had quickly joined the ranks as well, selling papes just as well as anyone else on the street. It didn’t take long for Spot to rise in the ranks (he’d always had a thing for leadership, people just flocked to him. People like you), and soon after that, anyone who was anyone on the streets of New York knew about Spot Conlon. Even when he had all of Brooklyn looking to him for aid, he still came to you for advice, knocking on your door late at night when he didn’t know what to do.

People came to associate you with him. After all, who’d know a guy better than the girl who’d spent most of her life with him? The two of you were always side by side, talking in hushed voices about anyone and everyone who came in your way. Maybe Spot was the King of Brooklyn, but everyone knew that you didn’t mess with Y/N unless you had a death wish. That’s just how it was, how it would always be.

And then you had the argument. It shouldn’t have been anything, shouldn’t have lasted more than a few seconds before you two made amends and forgot the whole mishap. Yet you can still hear the steel in his voice, the way the two of you had fought like you’d never fought before. Probably would never fight again, actually. You don’t think you’ll ever get close enough to him for that to happen.

You suppose the argument itself had been a long time coming. See, it was easier to get along when it was just you and him, when you were still scrawny kids messing around on the streets and getting into trouble. But Spot had been changing, getting taller, showing off muscles that hadn’t always been there. Dark locks of hair curled around his face, falling in his eyes. You had never noticed that before, never noticed any of the hundreds of details that made the boy before you Spot. Even with all the years behind you, you don’t think you’d ever seen him in the way that you do now.

You suppose you yourself had changed. You were more confident, less afraid of what others might think of you. You knew your worth, you knew what you were capable of, and you knew that you should not be spending this much time thinking about Spot Conlon, even if he was someone you’d known all your life. Especially if he was someone you’d known all your life.

So, to distract yourself, you started changing your paper route to be longer, to take you farther away from the Brooklyn lodging house. You’d get back later, set out earlier. All in all, you spent less time with Spot and more time by yourself, biding your time and pretending you didn’t care about the dark-haired boy you were doing your best to avoid.

However, even if not seeing Spot all the time was doing good things for your little crush, it certainly wasn’t great for him. Spot, who was usually used to meeting up with you after sales were over to talk through rules for the Brooklyn newsies, was suddenly left alone with no idea where you were. As you grew more courageous, venturing out on little trips by yourself to pass the time, he grew more annoyed that you weren’t reporting in to him. Eventually, his smoldering frustration and your overly breezy attitude were bound to clash in a thunderstorm of the century.

Stormy couldn’t even begin to describe it. At first, you had both been civil. He had pulled you aside into a separate room. He had asked you why you weren’t showing up at the lodging house as much, why you were suddenly skipping newsie discussions. You suppose something in his tone had bothered you, something about the fact that he seemed to feel that he could control you, and you had answered him with some sort of snarky retort. This, when Spot had been wanting a legitimate response, was the last straw.

It quickly escalated from there until you were practically shouting at each other. Why were you so afraid of responsibility? Why did Spot think he could order you around like a doll? Why were you making such a big deal out of this? Why was he? Everything came to a peak when Spot had raked his hand through his hair, clearly vexed. “You know, you’re skipping out on us so much I don’t even think we need you here.” He had said, and you had frozen mid-pace. 

“Are you telling me to leave?” You had asked, voice icy calm. Spot had looked over at you, and even from across the room you could sense the regret already building in him, the knowledge that he had gone too far. But Spot was still Spot Conlon, King of Brooklyn, and so he would never back down. “I guess I am.” He had stared at you, chin held high, issuing a silent challenge. He wasn’t the only one with a Brooklyn temper, so you returned his gaze. “Then this is goodbye.” You had jerked your chin at him in a silent farewell, then spun around and headed for the door. Just as you were about to disappear completely, you saw his hand reach out to stop you, but it was too late, and you hurried away from him.

You had left Brooklyn that night, gathering up your few belongings in a fit of fury and leaving the lodging house behind. You had whispered a couple of last-minute goodbyes to your newsie friends in Brooklyn, then disappeared into the streets. You weren’t quite sure where you were going, only that it had to be away. Somewhere Spot wouldn’t find you, although you knew that the chances of him searching for you were slim to none. So, you suppose that you weren’t quite surprised when you looked up and found yourself walking through Manhattan- Jack Kelly’s turf. Well, if there’s one place Spot won’t want to go, it is here.

Luckily for you, not many of the Manhattan newsies recognized you. If there were any dealings with Brooklyn, they would usually have met with Spot instead of you, so you were just another stranger to them. You had walked through the door of the Manhattan lodging house, making your way through the throngs of boys to reach Jack Kelly. He had recognized you slightly, judging by his furrowed brow, but you had been quick to assure him that it was only because you used to be a Brooklyn newsie and had left due to a little dispute with Spot. Understatement of the century, but it would keep your cover and explain away any misgivings.

Jack had welcomed you with open arms, and you found a new home with the Manhattan newsies. It was a perfectly fine life, and you still kept selling papes as free as a bird just like you had always wanted, but something was still missing. You noticed it when you headed back to the lodging house and looked for a familiar face that wasn’t there, or when you looked out the window at night and saw a cityscape that just wasn’t quite right. You missed Brooklyn, and there was no way around it.

As much as you missed your home, you knew there was no chance that you’d go back. If there’s one thing you and Spot had in common, it’s that you had a fearsome pride that you would never be able to fully control. You couldn’t imagine walking back through those streets, and to do what? Beg Spot to let you stay? Not in a million years. It’s the same reason why Spot won’t be knocking on the door of the Manhattan lodging house to ask you to come back home with him. He would never admit that he was wrong, and certainly not in front of Jack and all of the ‘Hattan newsies.

So you stay in Manhattan, and watch the sun rise and set over and over again. Days grow old, become weeks. Soon it’s been a month, then two, then half a year. You miss Spot with every sunrise, but it doesn’t matter. You two had always been able to hold a grudge, and that’s exactly what you’ll be doing, probably for the rest of your life. There was just no other way.

You’ve finished selling your papes early. One of the nice things about Manhattan is that they’re not quite used to a girl newsie, and you’re able to get through all of your papers in much shorter time than back home in Brooklyn. So, you wander back through the twisting street corners to the Manhattan lodging house, joined soon after by Race, Elmer, Albert, Specs, and a few other boys.

This mangy group is lying around in the main room of the lodging house when Jack leans in the doorway, pretending to knock on the doorframe. “Hey, Racer, Specs, Y/N, you guys busy? I need a couple of newsies to head down to Spot Conlon’s turf. Them Brooklyn boys are causing some trouble in our zone and I need him to knock it off.” You sit up the second you hear Spot’s name. “I’m not sure that’s such a good idea, Jack. You remember why I came here, right? Spot hates me.”

Jack waves a hand dismissively. “Actually, you said that you were good friends until one measly little argument. I need you there to make sure the other boys don’t get they asses kicked by the Brooklyn guys.” Race and Specs stand up, joining you in the squabble. Their voices ring out over yours, fiercely declaring that they could take a dozen Brooklyn boys ten to one and come out on top. 

You laugh in spite of yourself, and Jack takes that as a cue that you agree with him. “Great to see you so happy, Y/N. Now come on, it’ll be a short trip. See you later.” He ducks out of the room before you can either argue back or hit him with something, so you’re forced to turn to Specs and Race. “So, how do you feel about a walk to Brooklyn?”

It feels strange to be heading back to your old turf. Jack had assured you that you’d only be there briefly to keep the Brooklyn boys off of Race and Specs, and you wouldn’t have to talk to Spot at all. So, you keep your newsie cap wedged firmly down on your head, and do your best to disguise your face. You don’t want to be here, not at all, but you can’t risk getting kicked out of Manhattan as well. You can only join so many turfs before you run out of places to sell your papes. And then what would you do, go transcontinental?

The walk to the Brooklyn lodging house happens without incident, and you’re almost feeling like you didn’t need to come at all until you’re a few blocks away. Race and Specs are walking down the road when a figure melts out of the shadows of an alleyway and comes to stand in front of them, blocking their path. He folds his arms across his chest. “And what would a couple of ‘Hattan newsies be doing in our turf?” Race is about to issue back some sarcastic jibe when three more Brooklyn boys appear out of nowhere.

You can see this is going south, so you walk up to the boys. You’d been trailing Race and Specs by a block or so in the hopes that you wouldn’t be needed, but all eyes turn to you once you approach the gathered newsies. The lead Brooklyn boy squints at you. “Who are you? Another Manhattan kid?” You reach up and pull your hat back, grinning at your friend. “What, you forget me that quickly? I’se only been gone a couple of months.”

He recognizes you at once. “Y/N? That you?” The boy slings an arm around your shoulder. “You should have told us these kids were with you.” You laugh, gesturing for Race and Specs to continue on to the lodging house. “I didn’t think you were that excited for a fight. They’d been here barely a minute.” The two of you break into chuckles, but your laugh dies in your throat when you see a familiar figure approaching from further down the street. He calls out to the Brooklyn boy next to you. “Hey, what’s all this? I’ve said no commotion in the streets.” Then Spot turns to you, and his gaze turns stony from the second his eyes land on you.

Neither of you say a word. Specs, noticing the obvious unease circling between the two of you, steps forward. “We’re here with word from Jack Kelly. There are a few things we’se got to discuss.” Spot looks over at him, distracted, and idly gestures for the three of you to follow him back to the lodging house. You walk over to Specs and whisper a quiet thank-you to the newsie. He just brushes it off. “Trust me, it was more for me than you. I didn’t want to see you get killed this soon into entering Brooklyn.” You force a smile, but inside, your mind is reeling. You had hoped that Spot would at least look a little happy to see you, like he regrets sending you away, but you didn’t see anything but ice in his eyes.

The three of you push through the doors of the lodging house, and head down the hall to Spot’s office of sorts. You already know the way, having been there many times before, and so you’re the first one in the room. Race and Specs are about to follow you through the door, but Spot reaches out an arm and blocks their path. “I’m going to talk with her first. You can wait in the main room.” You trade gazes with the Manhattan newsies, and nod silently to indicate that everything is alright. As you watch them disappear back down the hall, you’re not quite sure whether that was the truth.

Spot waits for them to go, then shuts the door. He walks back to the center of the room, folding his arms over his chest. You’ve seen this movement many times before, but usually the object of his stone-cold stare is some unfortunate newsboy, not the girl he’s known for his entire life. Spot is the first one to speak. “What are you doing here?” His voice is quiet. You’re not used to hearing it so quiet.

You clear your throat. “Jack asked me to go with the boys. He wants to talk about-” Spot cuts you off. “I don’t care about Jack Kelly. Why are you back here?” Despite everything, despite all the time you’ve spent wishing you could be back in Brooklyn, you still feel that familiar burn of annoyance rising in the back of your throat. “Would you prefer I leave? I seem to remember you were the one to kick me out in the first place.” The sounds of the city echo in through an open window. Spot glances out at the city below, then back to you.

“As I recall, you were the one who dared me to make you leave.” Your eyes fly to him. “That’s not true at all! Yeah, we were arguing, but I’m not the one who said that I wasn’t needed. That you didn’t want me here.” Spot takes a step forward, and even this slight closeness makes your breath hitch in your throat. “I never wanted you to go. I know what I said, and I know what happened, but I never wanted you to leave. I regretted it ever since.”

You nod slowly, finding you can’t quite look him in the eyes. You glance away, towards the open window. Anything but the pain clear on Spot’s face, the pain that twists in you like a knife. “I missed it too. All of this.” You wait one moment, two. “I missed you.” Spot reaches out and presses his hand gently to the side of your cheek, forcing you to look back at him. “Come back to me. Please. I never should have said any of that and we both know it.” You look at him for a long time, silently weighing everything, then nod. Instantly, Spot’s face brightens. “Well, if we’re making chancy decisions, I might as well do this.” You tilt your head slightly, confused, then your eyes widen when he presses a kiss to your lips. You smile and kiss him back, but the moment is shattered when one of the Brooklyn newsies yells something from out in the hall.

“Hey, Spot, can you hear out these ‘Hattan guys? One of them keeps stealing Jasper’s cigars.” Spot groans, reluctantly pulling away. “I’m going to kill them before they even start talking.” You laugh at his annoyed expression. “You are not.” Spot raises an eyebrow. “And who’s going to stop me?” You smile at him. “Me.” You lean over, kissing him lightly, then dance away and reach for the door despite Spot’s protests, which you ignore gleefully. You have Spot back, what more could anything else matter?

[aphrodite-would-be-proud]

Fluff alphabet with Porco

{ Porco x reader | tw:none | fluff | modern }

{ "Charlotte Wolter als Messalina" 1875 by Hans Makart 1840 - 1884 }

P is for PDA - Are they upfront about their relationship? Do they brag with their s/o in front of others? Or are they rather shy to kiss etc. when others are watching?

Very upfront and vocal about his relationship, bringing you up in random conversations, sharing small details whenever something reminds him of you and showing you off like you're made of gold whenever the topic is brought up.

He does it unconsciously too, yet gets protective whenever someone seems too interested in you.

It's just common sense for him to be like this since he loves you so much, so why wouldn't he brag about you like you invented the sun, both in front of his friends and strangers at work. 

Doesn't allow any slander to your name, if anyone has a problem with you then they need to get through him first because he will defend you like his life depends on it, it's his own form of love to stand up for you and fight your fights.

Has a hard time understanding sometimes you need to fight alone and deal with your problems on your own, he's just really worried and would rather do it himself instead

Will try to convince you otherwise but if you insist he will reluctantly agree since in the end he respects your boundaries, although will be a bit sarcastic and passive aggressive afterwards.

It's just that secretly he's afraid of you not needing him, so he wants to prove his worth to you, even if his overprotective tendencies can get overbearing at times.

He's also on board with any form of public affection but tries to play it cool because otherwise he will get flustered in front of people. But when you're alone he's the most affectionate love struck puppy ever, constantly touching you in some way, urging you to play with his hair and kissing you in every now and then.

Will deny this each and every time you bring it up and say you're the one who's clinging to him, despite him currently cuddling you from behind, face resting on your shoulder while you scroll through your phone.

He's also the little spoon but shhh.

Yet outside the furthest he'll go is having an arm around you, doesn't try anything else on his end. 

O is for on Cloud Nine - What are they like when they are in love? Is it obvious for others? How do they express their feelings?

He's generally more calmer and at peace when smitten, more considerate of other people and not as easily riled up. His face doesn't really show anything but the drumming of his fingers against the desk says otherwise.

Only noticeable for the people close to him, strangers can't really tell and work friends would just think he's in a slightly better mood, even if he's swimming through the clouds inside.

To you, if he's feeling more in love than usual, he wouldn't say it outright, god forbid he shows vulnerability at any time except before falling asleep.

Instead he'll stare at you more, tace his fingers over your hand more and whisper in your ear more.

Nonchalantly giving you random compliments in a passive way, for example:

"You should wear this outfit more."

"Smiling really suits your eyes"

"Your voice helps me sleep, it's soothing."

Shows his love in way like: 

"You could've told me to do it instead, you know? You should rest."

"You made this for me? Alright then I'm cooking your favourite tomorrow, no this isn't negotiable."

"Hey I'm going to the store, what snacks do you want? Yeah it's for the movie you mentioned since I'm free today."

R is for romance - How romantic are they? What would they do to make their s/o happy? Cliché or rather creative?

Doesn't know much about romance but if he ever is, it's mostly by accident since he can be smooth without trying or realising it.

He truly brought these flowers because Pieck took him with her to the store and he just happened to see them, doesn't even think much of it except that they look pretty, and you look pretty so it makes sense.

Of course he brought you food in bed, it's just to save time. You weren't getting up and he hates eating alone, why are you smiling? 

The only reason he took you to this really nice spot near the lake was because he thought your eyes looked pretty when reflecting sunlight, what's a picnic? 

Other than that he doesn't know much about romance, romantic movies never were interesting to him and lovey dovey stuff never crossed his mind. He just acts on what he feels is right and what seems to make you happy

Especially when it comes to words, his actions speak much more than his mouth ever can. He just doesn't know what to say and gets frustrated that he can't just show you how much he adores you instead of saying it.

Although to other people, and by Porco's usual skepticism and general manners, he doesn't talk to anyone else like he talks to you. Hell he even brags about you which shocked all of his friends, since the only person he spoke about this way before was Marcel.

In conclusion, pure romance isn't in his vocabulary but if you ask him he'll attempt his best, though keep your expectations low, since he's doing something out of his comfort zone, otherwise it will end up with both of you getting frustrated. 

C is for comfort - How would they help their s/o when they feel down/have a panic attack etc.?

He'd instantly wrap you in his arms and attempt to ask what's wrong or if someone did something, till he realises you're not in a good shape to reply that he changes his approach and attempts to soothe you.

Won't let you go or leave your side, will listen to everything you say without hesitation and reminds you that he's here, you're not alone and he wouldn't let anything harm you in any way, you're safe and he will make sure it stays this way.

Isn't good with words but his actions show how much he cares, he actually panics himself when you do but is good at hiding it. Will watch over you when you fall asleep and be there when you wake up, bringing you water or something to drink.

Reminds you that you can tell him anything, he loves you and won't judge, he's on your side no matter what.

Gets emotional himself, even feels a bit of guilt at not noticing what you're going through sooner, will apologise assuming it's something he did without asking.

He'd keep this up for the rest of the week, till he's sure you're better. Paying close attention and being much nicer than usual even when you insist it's okay.

O is for on Cloud Nine - What are they like when they are in love? Is it obvious for others? How do they express their feelings?

Porco isn't good at expressing his feelings, mostly keeping them buried inside and never letting anyone too close, even rivaling Annie in this trait.

Reading him is pretty hard too since he tends to always wear the tough stoic mask that it's hard to tell when it slips away, he's pretty good at faking his emotions for the sake of other people too and not to make them worried.

If he ever does share a moment of vulnerability with you, it's after dating for a long while that he feels safe enough around you.

He also tends to put your feelings before his, which isn't a good thing since he will underplay his frustration with something and keeps it inside till it bubbles and pops out later in a big way, arguments with him are a matter of when, they will happen eventually.

In which he pours his heart out for you, everything that upset him, his anger is just suppressed sadness who doesn't know itself anymore.

If you can see through that and comfort him instead of feeding into his argument, he will calm down and apologise.

Then have a heart to heart moment with you when he vents about the stress he's been under, how sorry he is for taking it out on you and how much you being by his side means to him.

With you he starts learning how to share vulnerability in healthy ways and how to depend on you too, that he can let his guard down and you won't hurt him.

[catzula]

It’s hard NOT to be a fangirl (especially when the setter is Oikawa Tooru)

A/N: is it evident how much in love I am with this man? I cried at his backstory, I did that. Well, uh, hope you enjoy! And I have a mountain of hw and exams coming up so I might not be able to write something so thats that.

Warnings: spoilers!!! For the spring tournament so beware. Cursing? 5.9k? Oikawa crying in the end? Its NOT angst tho. Also not edited cuz its 1 am

Genre: fluff, Iwaizumi's sister!reader

Synopsis: maybe confusing you with a fangirl wasn't exactly starting off the right foot, but Oikawa thought the stranger that sat with him till the beginning of his next match was... quite charming.

Oikawa might've been many, many things, but he was not a coward.

Most of the time, at least.

Whenever it was his feelings he had to be brave about, he never succeeded, especially not when they were towards you. You, who laughed and stood with him, never across but always beside him. Oikawa couldn't afford to be brave.

It was the first day of the Interhigh matches when he had met you. To say Oikawa was having a bad day would be an underestimation. He got dumped by his girlfriend that very day, right before his match, and brutally ripped out of the soft, consoling presence of his fans by Iwaizumi. He just wanted to be fawned over and comforted, maybe eat a snack or two while he was at it, but he didn't even get to do that?

"Stop pouting, Shittykawa." Iwaizumi muttered when Oikawa made an exaggerated 'hmph!' sound for the 20th time the last 5 minutes. "We need to go to the gym, and you need to focus."

"You need to focus too!" Oikawa protested, "but look at you getting ready to go to a date- hey, agh!" Holding the back of his head, Oikawa pouted even deeper this time. "You didn't need to hit me!" Oikawa whisper-yelled.

"I told you to shut the fuck up. Hold your tongue if you don't want to get beaten." Iwaizumi whispered angrily, sending a side glance at his coach to try and see if he had heard stupid Oikawa. Iwaizumi took a breath of relief when the coach didn't even look his way.

"We're gonna sit in the back stands so coach won't be able to see us. You can still watch the game from there, too." Iwaizumi finally spoke after they arrived in the gym, eyes scanning the room to find the perfect hiding place.

"You mean I am gonna sit in the back stands, all alone, cold and freshly dumped." Oikawa frowned, his frown only growing deeper when his best friend rolled his eyes. "Am I wrong? Tell me I'm wrong! As you go on your marry way with your girlfriend, I will be sitting here alone and wallow in my sadness for what... 6 hours?!"

Iwaizumi clenched his teeth, knowing Oikawa had a point. Sighing, he rubbed his temples. "Look, fuck, I'm sorry, okay? Should I tell her I can't come?" He asked gruffly, and despite all his brutality and harsh words, Oikawa knew he would do it if he said the word. "Nah, it's okay. Have fun in your date!" Oikawa answered, earning a baffled glare from the boy. 

"Then why the fuck have you been guilt tripping me the past hour?"

"I'm lonely, Iwa-chan! I want attention." Oikawa grinned, professionally avoiding the slap coming his way, his grin growing even wider when Iwaizumi pinched the bridge of his nose in annoyance. " I wonder how I didn't murder you already. Anyway, settle there, and don't move anywhere until the match. And I mean, anywhere, no visiting your fans, looking at yourself in the bathroom mirror, taking selfies before the windows, nothing."

"Okay, okay, I'm not dumb!" Oikawa whined as he threw his gym bag on the free seats. "Say hi to her for me, Iwa-chan!" He called after his best friend. 

~~~

It had been almost an hour since Iwa had left, and Oikawa was losing his mind. Why did he agree to this again? He wanted to sit with the rest of his team, that sat across the court but Iwaizumi had told him not to move anywhere (and Oikawa was still a bit hurt at how grateful they seemed when Iwa had told them Oikawa would be sitting separately), so he had opted to social media. 

Oikawa wasn't aware of someone else entering the secret back stands and getting closer to him as he watched a short compilation of cat videos. "Oikawa-kun?" You approached him, hiding your snicker when he jumped in his place to look at you. He was quick to hide his shock, a mask of smugness quickly finding its place on his pretty face. 

"That's me." He smiled, his chocolate eyes scanning you and meeting your eyes back quickly. He watched as you sat a seat away from him, close but not approachable. He quirked his brow when you stood quiet, holding your phone a little too tightly. A shy fan, how sweet, he thought, smirking as he turned your way. He had an idea of what you wanted.

"Did you, perhaps, want a photo? I might not look as I normally would, though." Oikawa suggested, going by how you held your phone, checking the time every once in a while, you wanted a picture. His brows raised when you didn't say a word but bit your lip as if holding in a smile.

"That's your que to say 'no, Oikawa-kun, you look amazing!" He told you, not expecting your laugh to ring in his ears, baffled both by how sudden and how pretty the sound was. "No, you do look tired, actually." You finally answered, earning a gasp from the boy across you. 

"Oh, to think I was going to see the days of my fans calling me tired-looking and ugly!" He dramatically brought his hand to his face, peeking through his fingers to see what you were going to do. You should at least deny he looked ugly, he thought, but his eyes grew wide when you chuckled. Now you were just rude! Did he really look that bad?

"Sorry, I'm not a fan." You pressed your lips in an apologetic smile, trying to hold it sorry and not smug when you spotted the blush on his cheeks. "Oh- I thought..." He cleared his throat to hide the embarrassment. "Most of the pretty girls like you who aproach me are my fans, so I just assumed." He spoke when he finally managed to find back his high-toned, flirty persona.

"That crowd of groupies in the entrance should belong to you, too, then?" You teased, not expecting him to answer yes, bursting into laughter with the unexpected positive answer.

"I kind of have to ask, though, if you're not my fan, why did you approach me, calling my name?" He seemed nonchalant as if he was used to that, but you had to admit it was a bit creepy.

"Oh, Haji- Iwaizumi sent me." You corrected yourself when you remembered how your brother had told you not to tell Oikawa you were siblings (he had warned you about how flirtatious Oikawa could get, and he might see it as a challenge if he figured you were his best friend's sibling. You didn't think it was true, they were best friends after all, but it was better to be cautious anyway.

"Iwa-chan? Ah, so he does care after all!" Oikawa blurted out, his words reminding how your brother had sent you here and how it was something way different than caring. "Well, he did want me to make sure you didn't leave here or call your ex. Heard you had some... problems."

"Cold as a stone, as always." He sighed, and you chuckled. "Can't exactly call it a problem, but being dumped isn't the best feeling in the world." He shrugged, taking a sip out of his water before flashing you a charming smile. Your brows furrowed when he admitted he was dumped, of course, Hajime had already told you that, but judging the boy by his looks, his nonchalant acts, and everything your brother had told to warn you, you hadn't expected him to admit that, especially not to a stranger. 

"Well, uh, that sucks." You answered awkwardly, not knowing how to approach the situation. "I'm sorry about that."

"Its okay, as it was bound to happen, anyway. Our relationship wasn't exactly sailing smoothly." He shrugged, but it was evident he was a bit broken about it. "I- uh, I'm not the person people would come for advice in these kind of situations, but I can... listen?"

You felt something warm blooming in your chest when his gaze locked on you, chocolate brown eyes the prettiest you've ever seen, but the surprised, almost grateful look was what made you feel that way. Did he only want someone to listen?

"It's okay, I don't want to burden you with my stupid problems." He chuckled, pulling his playful nature back on the surface. "I don't even know your name."

"Oh, shit, you're right!" You laughed when you realized you hadn't even told him your name but had offered a shoulder to cry on. "I'm Y/N, nice to meet you." You stuck your hand out, his warm (big-) hand gripping yours and causing that warm feeling that was in your chest to spread even more.

"Y/N-chan, it's very nice to meet you." He winked. "So, what is your relationship with our dearest Iwa-chan?"

"Oh- well, uh... you could say he sees me as a sister." You shrugged, not expecting him to pout sympathetically. "Oh no, sibling-zoned? That's harsh, man."

"No it's- hey, you have no right to pity me, you're the one freshly dumped!"

"Hitting low, are we?" He laughed, making you laugh with him. "You look like you're gonna die if you don't ask me how we broke up." He sighed after a second, although he still had a playful smirk. "I guess I have to tell you." He sighed one more time. "We're stuck here for at least 5 hours, anyway."

~~~

"Here you go, a granola bar. Are you sure you didn't want anything else?" You tossed the granola bar to Oikawa, who had his legs on the seats in front of him, making himself comfortable in the uncomfortable seats.

"Yeah, that's enough. Thank you, Y/N-chan." He smiled cheekily, opening the packet with his teeth. "The match is in about an hour, anyway, I shouldn't eat much."

"Sure, whatever you say. Well you were talking about a new player before I left."

"Before your stomach started to scream, you mean." He laughed, and you found yourself watching the smile. These past few hours had flown by so quickly that it almost felt like barely an hour. Oikawa was easy to talk to, and you always found something new to talk about, laughing almost at everything he said. He was really charming, and the confidence that oozed out of every move he did, every word he spoke was attractive, you had to admit.

But as much of a smug player he could be, he often acted childish, too, especially when he talked about a certain Kouhei of his did you see the childlike jealousy and competitiveness clearly. Though despite that, he would have a fond, soft look in his eyes whenever he talked about his teammates, making you feel almost jealous at how affectionate he looked about them.

You knew he was charming and flirtatious, your brother had warned you not to get close because he could and would have you falling for him in no time, but you had underestimated him. You had thought he was acting overly cautious as always, but apparently not.

You saw him checking his phone for a new message. "I gotta go warm up now." He told you as he stood up, the playful glint in his eyes not being missed by you. "I trust you'll watch and cheer for me, right, Y/N-chan?" His smirk was self-satisfied, already knowing the answer, but you didn't want to give him the pleasure. "I'd rather cheer for the ace, actually, much cooler than a setter."

Another dramatic gasp came from the proud setter, making you laugh. "How dare you! Setters are much cooler than aces, I'll have you know. I'll prove it in this match, too." He leaned towards you, and although you already knew how long he was, having him towering over you like this sent goosebumps down your spine. "I'll prove it, just make sure you watch closely." 

~~~

"So, was I right or was I right?" Your phone chimed with a new message, and you instantly knew who it was that sent the message. You opened Instagram, accepting the message request. 

"I couldn't tell since I was watching the ace the whole time, didn't have the chance to see if you were cooler." You texted back, almost able to see the pout forming on his lips on the other side of the screen. It was a lie, too. The moment you saw his serve, you were unable to take your eyes off him. He looked like a different person on the court. It was almost scary, how focused he suddenly became the moment he grabbed the ball, how he was aware of everything that was happening around him, developing strategies half you didn't even understand and it was terrifyingly beautiful, you had to admit. 

"Mean! And I had played exceptionally well just because you were watching :(" You giggled at the text, not noticing how your brother's eyes were narrowed and turned to you instead of the TikToks his girlfriend had sent him. "Who are you talking to?"

"Hm?" You flinched, so concentrated on your phone, you had forgotten your brother was there, too. "Oh, no one. My friend sent me a meme." You stared back at your brother, who was still watching you with narrowed eyes, waiting for you to crack, but you didn't. He nodded curtly, and though he could've pursued it further if not for his phone starting to buzz, the name of his girlfriend appearing on the screen. 

"Gotta take this." He told you, standing up and making his way to his room. "Don't stay up late texting." He told you as a warning. 

You wished you had taken your brother's advice the next morning when he came in to wake you up. You had texted Oikawa for hours into the night, only stopping when you fell asleep mid-conversation.

"Y/N, I need you to come to the sport center again, today." Hajime told you as you were brushing your teeth, and he was putting gel in his hair to make it look like his signature spiky style. "Again?" You rolled your eyes, earning a soft slap on your head from your brother. 

"Don't talk with your mouth full, and don't roll your eyes at me."

"I'll do whatever I- Ow! Okay, okay, I'll be there!" You muttered angrily, but a part of you, the smallest part of you, wasn't as angry as you showed him to be. 

~~~

You were there before him, this time. It had been almost 10 minutes since you had arrived, but Oikawa was nowhere to be seen (and you got ready especially neatly this time! What a shame). You sighed, opening your phone to text Hajime Oikawa wasn't here just as you felt a pair of warm hands closing your eyes from your back. 

"Quick, tell me the coolest volleyball position!"

"Ace!" You answered and heard his exaggerated sigh. "No, Y/N-chan, I thought we clarified this yesterday!"

"I never admitted to it, though." You told him with a sly smile, causing his fake anger and annoyance to fall and a laugh to breakthrough. "Clever little Y/N-chan." He muttered, plopping down to the seat next to you. 

"You look tired." You remarked, making him gasp. "And whose fault is that? You fell asleep! I waited an hour for you to write back, thinking you had something else to do." He frowned, making you chuckle.

"I take none of the blame, you talk too much." You teased.

"Only with people I like." He shot back, catching you off guard and making your eyes widen. "Ah, finally, I won this round!" He cheered. "You, on the other hand, look especially nice today, madame."

"Thank you, kind sir, I got a good night sleep, unlike you." You smiled cheekily, and he was about to answer before loud cheering filled the room and made you wince. You noticed how almost everyone was on their feet, watching the game closely.

"What's going on?" You asked the boy sitting next to you, now also watching the game with a Cheshire cat smirk.

"Karasuno's game started." He answered without taking his eyes off the game. "It was the freakish quick they used just then that caused the cheering."

"The freakish quick?" You repeated. 

"Yeah, watch." He told you, sounding excited and annoyed at the same time. You turned your eyes to where he was pointing at, a short, ginger boy. Your brows furrowed, trying to understand just why- 

"Oh, shit." You gaped when the boy flew over the court in mere seconds. The ball was on the other side of the net in almost less than a second, and it took you a moment to realize they had just made a spike.

"Oh shit, indeed," Oikawa answered, his smirk still on his lips, but his eyes weren't looking humored. "That little bastard, he had to be this fucking talented." He muttered, speaking almost to himself. 

"You don't look worried, though." You smiled. "There is no reason for me to be worried." He smirked proudly in answer, although it had a slight waver to it. "I'm much better than him as a setter. What worries me is the team itself."

"Are they that good? You looked much better in the match yesterday."

"Ah, I knew you were watching me, Y/N-chan! I'm too pretty not to look at." He swiped a soft-looking lock of hair out of his face with a playful smile. 

"Yeah, yeah, whatever." You muttered, hiding your embarrassment from him by turning back to the game. "See him, the short boy in the back, he's the libero." Oikawa told you, getting slightly closer to explain, and you would've understood it if it wasn't for how close he was all of a sudden. "He's one of the best I've seen, actually."

"W-what makes him so special?" You asked, turning your eyes back to the game from his pretty face (as if he wasn't handsome enough, he also had a good side profile?!) "That." he answered, his eyes glinting with something you could say awe. You turned back to the boy who leaped to the ground after the ball, his hand sliding over the surface and sending the ball straight up. "His reflexes are unbeleivable, and he's fast and smart, like the rest of his team." He explained further, not aware of how focused he suddenly was, and it was clear he was passionate about the sport. You had never understood why your brother felt devastated after a lost game, or why he was cheering on the top of his lungs, sometimes pushing himself so hard in training that he passed out, coming home late almost every day because of his practice.

But seeing Oikawa watch the game, seeing him in the game, you felt like you could understand what it was. You could never grasp the feeling, but you could understand what it was. And it was infuriating, made you jealous, and you couldn't understand why, but it also amazed you, making you yearn for the strange feeling.

"Oh, I'm sorry, I must be boring you to death." He realized, bringing his hand to scratch the back of his neck in embarrassment, cheeks flushing slightly after talking for almost an hour about everything going in the game, explaining them all in detail. 

"No, no its fine!" You answered, laughing at his flushed face. It was funny how he was a charming, devilish, smart, and manipulative guy at one second and a volleyball geek the other. "It helps me appreciate the game better." You shrugged, not aware of how his eyes glinted with your answer. "But don't you think I realized how you're overlooking everything the setter does. You didn't say anything about him."

"What, you're interested in him?" He pouted, causing you to laugh. 

"I didn't say I was interested, I'm just telling you you're ignoring him!" You protested after your laugh, but he still had a frown. "Sounds like you're interested, to me."

"No! Okay, okay, keep ignoring him, then. But don't think I missed the jelaousy-" You couldn't finish your sentence because of a sudden hand closing on your lips. "Nope, we don't say that here." He whispered, and somehow, you were able to hear him despite the loud cheering, the crowd, and the loud thumps of your heart.

"What, saying you're jealous?" You spoke beneath his fingers, noticing how his smirk grew wider and cheeks flushing pinker.

"Yep, let's not repeat that and I'll take my hand off you." He waited a few seconds as you stood silent, removing his hand, still having a suspicious look in his eyes. "Good girl." He told you, causing your eyes to widen and shout a protest. "O-oikawa! What the fuck?!"

"What, I didn't mean anything?" He answered innocently, but there was still a smirk on his lips. "Well, okay, I'll tell you about him if you're so curious." He sighed.

"As I said before, he's my Kouhei." You nodded for him to go on. "He's... talented. Very talented. A genius, actually." He laughed uncomfortably. "He's not on my level yet, but his talent... it even makes up for it and I hate to see how despite all my days I spent training, he's still better than me easily."

"I- oh." You muttered, not expecting something like this, especially for him to admit someone else was better than him and will always be better than him.

"Tomorrow we're playing with them." He told you, and despite the forced smile, you could see how he clenched his teeth. "I can't- I won't lose to him."

"You won't." You agreed.

"I'll fight as hard as I can but we won't lose to them. I'll fight Shiratorizawa, I'll play against Ushiwaka and show him, prove him I did the right thing by choosing Seijoh and not his dumb school." He looked determined, eyes glinting with such determination that even though you had no idea what he was saying at that point, you wanted to agree and cheer him on.

"You will." You agreed once again, causing him to smile. "I'm sorry, I think I'm just a bit stressed."

You smiled, shrugging as if to say it's nothing. "No, no problem, I understand what you mean. It must be nerve-wracking."

"Well, it is."

"I'm horrible at advice, but uh, want me to show you what I do when I'm stressed? Like before exams and stuff. It might help." You smiled, extending your hand out to show him, not expecting him to do the same, and hold your hand like a handshake.

"You're right, that does help." He grinned, shaking your hand and making you burst into laughter. "That wasn't what I was going to do!"

"Oh, it wasn't? Still helped, though!" He told you innocently, teasing you even more. "C'mon, stick your hand out like this." You giggled.

"Now start drawing-" you told him, focusing on drawing shapes and letters in his hand. He was going to say a snarky remark at how that wasn't how it went, but Oikawa couldn't bring himself to stop you from doing whatever you were doing as he watched you focus on his hand, fingers running over his calloused ones, the tip of your tongue sticking out from the corner of your mouth without realizing, and every move of your finger sent goosebumps down his body.

Noticing you had lost yourself in thought, absent-mindedly going on drawing on his hand for a good few minutes, you raised your eyes to meet his brown ones. "Does that... help?"

"It- uh, it does. I'll need you to do this before the game tomorrow, too, though." He smirked playfully, his hand closing on yours just as he said it. "Well, I'm glad I could help." You shrugged, trying to hide how embarrassed you were. You could tell he already knew how you were feeling by the smile on his lips, but instead of teasing you about it, he turned to the game without letting your hand go, smiling even wider when you didn't pull it, either.

~~~

"You guys were great at the game today." You texted Oikawa that night, not sure whether he would answer, though your thoughts disappeared when he texted back instantly. 

"It must be your doing." He wrote, sending a picture of him doing the peace sign right after. 

"I don't think I can come early tomorrow, though. I won't be able to do it again. Are you ready for the game tomorrow?"

"Oh no, how could you? I can never overcome the stress now. Will you let me call you if I say I'm not ready?" He texted back, making you chuckle. 

"Just this once."

Your phone started ringing right after, a 'yahoo' greeting you when you picked it up.

"Hi, Oikawa-kun."

"Are you free?" He asked, and you shrugged as if he was across you and not on the other side of the phone. "I was getting ready to bed."

"Thinking of me before bed, you must have a crush on me, Y/N-chan." He chuckled, somehow still able to tease you through the phone. "Hey, I-"

"No, actually, don't answer that." He stopped you. "I had something else in mind when I called you, but you cute voice is too distracting." He sighed. 

"Oh." You answered, making him laugh, his laugh ringing in your ears. 

"Yeah, well... I was wondering, I mean after the match tomorrow." He cleared his throat. "No, actually, will you cheer for me tomorrow?" He finally asked, and you could tell he was holding his breath.

"Cheer for you?" You repeated.

"Yeah, only- only for me." He spoke, this time merely a whisper. "I mean, of course you cheer for me, everyone does because I'm that-"

"Yes, Oikawa." You laughed and cut his self appreciating ramble off. "I'll cheer for you, and only you."

"Y-you will? Well then, maybe you'll accept my offer to perhaps grab a coffee or something after the game? To make up for not being there with me tomorrow?" You were trying to stifle a laugh at how unsmooth he was despite his reputation when he spoke again. "Am I- am I pushing it? I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable." 

"No, you're not making me uncomfortable!" You protested quickly, already aware of how dramatic he could get. "I'm just, well, surprised. But yes, I'd like to grab a coffee with you. Anywhere but those god awful stands, actually." You chuckled, hearing the relieved breathe coming from his side of the line. 

"Well, if that's settled," he spoke, and you could hear the smile in his voice. "Tell me, Y/N-chan, what's your favorite color?"

Wow, you thought, he really sucked at flirting. 

~~~

"I'm here." You texted both your brother and Oikawa. It was merely minutes away from the start of the game, all because of a dumb chemistry quiz you had at school. You finally found a free seat when you noticed they were done warming up and were getting ready.

"Good, we're about to start the game. I'll probably meet my gf after the game, so don't start crying if you don't see me." Was the first text you got, rolling your eyes at how much of an idiot your brother was. "Yeah, whatever, not like I'm here to see you." You texted back, noticing how his head perked up when he read the text, eyes scanning the seats to find you as he texted a "WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN?!"

"Wish me luck, Y/N-chan, just remember your promise to cheer for me ;p" Oikawa texted back, also raising his head to search you in the crowd, but he was successful at finding you, eyes locking for a second, of course, he sent a playful wink at you.

The game started after that, and you could swear you were losing years of your life with each given and taken points. You had screamed at the top of your lungs at one point, so worked up, you sometimes forgot what was happening.

"Oikawa, good serve!" You screamed (he had told you to say that when he was serving the day before, and you could see it immediately brought a smile on his lips). 

The third set was the worst, you thought. No one ever got to widen the point gap, always one of them at match point, points being given and being taken, and you were sure you were going to lose your mind if they-

You watched as Oikawa ran to receive a ball, running so fast that he was unable to stop himself from crashing into the table, falling on his bad knee that you could only imagine how much it hurt, but not before pointing at Hajime, your brother, the ace. He set an incredible ball for him, incredible even for someone like you who didn't know anything other than the basics about volleyball.

You could feel tears swelling in your eyes as he tumbled into the table, pulling himself back up almost immediately and limping back towards the court.

He was... he was determined to win. 

But he couldn't.

You watched as Oikawa tried to receive the ball flying towards him and failed. You couldn't watch when he realized he failed. He lost. But he was still there to make his teammates gather for the lineup, patting them on the back to cheer them up, thanking the crowd, but his face was down, helping his teammates collect themselves back, your brother too when he was also devastated inside.

Still, Oikawa managed to hold it all in, unlike your brother and most of the team that was crying. You couldn't hide your disappointment in, either, eyes already wet with tears because you thought they were going to win, and they thought they were going to win too, and seeing Oikawa like this, it hurt. You watched them as they left the court, your eyes following the brunette who had separated himself from the rest of the team, going somewhere else with a quick pace. 

You rose to your feet without even realizing it, running after him without thinking what to say or to do, but you just wanted to be there, and you were so focused on finding him that you hadn't realized Hajime following his friend or rather, you, either. 

You were about to enter the room Oikawa had entered a minute before you when someone held you by the arm and pulled you back. "Y/N, don't." Your brother warned you, and maybe you should've listened since they were friends for years. "It's not- you shouldn't go in, not right now. Give him time." 

He sighed when you freed your arm from his grip. "He wouldn't want you to-" the door shut in his face, and he only got a glimpse of his best friend's tear-stricken face, "-see him like that." Iwaizumi finished his sentence as a whisper to himself.

You thought this might've been a bad idea the moment you entered the room. "O-oikawa?"

"What are you doing here?" You heard him say, the room dim-litted, making it near impossible to see his expression, but something in you told you, you didn't want to. "I'm- well, I'm here to see if you're okay-"

"Get out." You heard him say, merely a whisper but still there. "I don't want you to see me like this, stop looking at me! I don't want to see the same pity I see at everyone else's face, pitying me for losing to my own Kouhei and-" His voice getting higher and higher with each word, he was almost screaming the last few words. So you hugged him, you didn't know what led you to do so, was it instinct to relieve his tension? You didn't know, but it still worked, you noticed. 

His stiff muscles started to relax with the sudden contact, and though he stood as still as a stone, not hugging you back, you didn't feel rejected. "Shh, I know." You whispered, breathe brushing over his skin and sending goosebumps down his spine. 

"We lost." He whispered, a sob finding its way out of his lips. His arms came up, hugging and pulling you to himself, almost as if he tried to swallow you whole, burying his face to your hair. He was big, much bigger than you, for sure, so the sobs that shook him shook you, too, but you didn't mind. 

"We lost." He sobbed again, and again, and again and again. It took him a while to let it all out, but he felt better when he did. His arms were still around you when his cries had died, your scent affecting him to relax.

"Thank you." You heard him whisper as he pulled back, not looking in your eyes once. "Of- of course." You shrugged, feeling somewhat awkward as he wiped his face with a tissue. 

"Well," he spoke, looking in your eyes for the first time for what felt like hours, "that's me. The Oikawa Tooru. Now you know me better than almost anyone else." He shrugged, trying to sound and look indifferent but failing miserably. His voice and his hands shaking, eyes looking at you with almost fear.

"Are you going to leave now?"

"Leave?" You repeated. 

He shrugged. "Now that you've seen I'm not the clever captain or the charming playboy, but a- an insecure, jealous man, who is now also a failure, are you going to leave?"

"Oikawa," you whispered, noticing he was more insecure than he let on. "Just because you are more than what you look like, it doesn't cancel the others. You're still the smart, cunning, and amazing captain, the charming flirt who made me fall for him in mere days, and the man who lost a match with a point. A man, striving to be better than everyone else, with goals and a purpose in life. I don't think I could leave you for having a purpose in life." You chuckled. 

"Well, that of course if you-" Before you got to finish, you felt pressure on your lips, stopping you from talking. It was his soft lips, this time, making you silent. It was a soft kiss, his hand cupping your cheek and pulling your face towards his, his lips were almost brushing yours, but it still felt heavenly. 

"I think we should go before your brother marches in and kills us both." He whispered to your lips with a sly smile. "Yeah, I think you're- wait, you knew he was my brother?!" You exclaimed, making him chuckle.

"Of course I did, who do you take me for? I am the clever captain of Seijoh, I knew it the moment you told me you were like a sister to him."

"Well, the clever captain of Seijoh, use your brain to find us another way out but the door, since I'm pretty sure Haji is guarding it." 

"Ah, I have the perfect idea." He snickered, picking up his phone, and entering the name of Hajime's girlfriend.

"Tooru, where are you, are you okay, do you-"

"Hey, hey, I'm alright, I just need a favor." Oikawa whispered into the phone. "I'm stuck inside a room, and the door is being guarded by Iwa-chan whose waiting to kill me, so please get him out of here?"

"Tooru, are you with a girl?" You heard the voice screaming on the other end of the line, making you both wince. "Please just help me just this once?" 

You heard her sigh. "Okay, okay, hang in there." She closed the phone, and it took only two seconds for your brother's phone to ring.

You were in awe when Hajime suddenly screamed, "What?! Whose checking you out? I'm fucking coming baby, don't move anywhere." sprinting down the hall.

"You're a magician." 

"I'm amazing." He muttered right before leaning in for yet another kiss, smiling against your soft lips.

[llawli-yeet]

Dear L, It was interesting reading your answer to my question. It’s also nice to know that you like philosophy ^^

In response to what you said, I agree with a lot of it; a lot of one’s sense of free will varies, as well as what they think is right vs wrong, and I think your open minded approach to these subjects is admirable. There is a large gray area, though I personally think that it is wrong to intentionally harm people unless you have to (such as self defense of any sort).

Revenge is also a touchy subject, but there’s so much to unpack regarding that. There are many people who say that one must be the bigger person and let things go, but many of them would be lying if they said that there wasn’t at least a little part of them that wanted to seek vengeance. I think that if one plans on getting back at someone, they have to think things through to avoid getting themselves into even more trouble (I’ve always been a bit confused about how some people literally smash the windows of their cheating significant other’s car without second thought— they will obviously get caught 😑).

I’d say that the best option would be to tell everyone the truth about that person; it is civil and reasonable, and the worst that could happen is that the perpetrator tries to strike back somehow, which you can keep an eye out for. Then again, some offenses are so small that letting them go would be the simplest way to handle them (like if someone stole your pencil). These are just my two cents though.

- Zone 🎀

Hello, Zone.

I must apologize for my terribly slow reply. The Kira case has picked up and I have been devoting more time than usual to it.

I agree that intentionally harming others is usually unacceptable. I do think that there is a lot of grey area though. Situations become more complicated depending on people's life situation, personal history, mental state, and so on. This is why I believe that people should be judged by a jury.

I understand revenge to some extent, however many people take it to such extremes. It can be complicated, but in situations such as cheating, I find it a bit absurd. Although I have never been in a romantic situation, I think that most interpersonal problems can be solved by early and frequent communication about needs. I suppose I am not one to talk, as my closest relationship is with Watari and not a parent, friend, or lover, however I do feel like we communicate quite well.

Telling others the truth about the person can be a good solution, unless the person is very manipulative and charming. In that case, they may be able to persuade others against you, and things become more complicated. As long as there is no risk of personal harm, I would encourage letting things go. Otherwise, you are just creating unnecessary conflict. You will still be able to have confidence in yourself and your actions if you are the bigger person.

-L

[swiggitswooggit]

Eat my love

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This is my first time ever putting out a fic I’ve written lol

Cw: none, just fluff and gei shit

Although Amber had to abide by a routine for most of the things in her life -- school and the bakery being some of those -- she was far from a person controlled by it. She much preferred her days with a little bit of chaos sprinkled throughout, as she thought it best to be kept on her toes. But Amber is anything if not diligent so she stuck to her routine from the moment she woke up to the time she went to sleep, which usually ended up being rather late -- something her friends couldn’t manage to wrap their heads around given how energetic she was in the morning.

It was this diligence that made her such a valuable employee at the bakery she worked at, and why she chose to take the morning shifts, since she could get out all of that energy that had built up overnight.

The way the light filtered through the large, glass windows; the warm, inviting atmosphere that enveloped you the minute you stepped through those doors; the large display cases showing off the tantalizing sweets carried within; there wasn’t a thing Amber didn’t love about the bakery, including the arduous work that it was to open everyday. Everyday, she unlocked the door and propped it open using a flower pot, then she would head to the back to prep the specialty pastries. 

Although the bakery was known for its more traditional doughy delights -- various breads, muffins, and cookies being among the customer favorites -- Amber’s heart and stomach would forever lie with the more unconventional sweet and savory options: pineapple roast pork buns, red bean buns and taiyaki, dango. The flavors just worked, and although it made her a little sad that these items weren’t as popular among customers, that just meant that at the end of the day there was more for her.

‘Don’t worry, you beautiful buns, I love you even if no one else can realize how bangin you are’ humming to herself softly, Amber arranged the trays of pastries, opened the register, and waited for the morning crowd to flow in.

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“Thank you, have a nice day!” smiling brightly, Amber thanked the customer as they walked out the door, eyes drifting to the clock above the entrance.

The chime of the bells rang in Amber’s ears and her eyes shot up to see a sharply dressed woman walk into the bakery, eyes trained on the phone in her hand. She was rather tall and there was something about the way she carried herself that made her seem icy and unapproachable. Surprisingly, she didn’t seem stiff or rigid like Amber had expected, but rather she walked with a lightness that was characteristic of dancers. Was she a dancer? No, that couldn’t be -- she was dressed as a businesswoman, after all. Maybe she took dance classes when she was younger and that was why she was so light on her feet. What type of dance did she study? Would she answer if Amber asked-

“... do you recommend?”

“H-huh? I’m sorry, what were you saying?” God, this was embarrassing. Cheeks heating up, stumbling over her words, all Amber could feel was pure mortification at having zoned out in front of a customer.

A delicate eyebrow raised before she responded, “What do you recommend?”

“Oh, well, personally I really love these guys,” she gestured to the far end of the display case. “They’re pink peppercorn madeleines! People are put off by them ‘cuz of the peppercorns, but the taste isn’t super overwhelming and it’s a little fruitier!”

“Can I try one?”

“Yes, of course.” Picking up a madeleine with a pair of tongs, Amber placed it on a napkin and passed it over the counter to the office lady. Usually, she didn’t stress too much about whether or not customers liked the sweets; ideally, everyone would try the pastries and fall so in love they’d become dedicated customers from that point forward, but Amber understood how everyone had differing tastes. Despite this, Amber couldn’t help her nerves as she watched the office lady raise the madeleine to her lips.

Please, please, please like it 

Letting out a low hum of satisfaction, a small smile spread across the office lady’s face, “I’ll take five of these.”

“Okay, five madeleines it is then, will that be all?”

“Yes, that will be all.” Already digging through her purse, the office lady pulled out an exorbitant amount of cash and exchanged it for the paper bag filled with madeleines, turning on her heel towards the door.

Amber scrambled with the wad of cash calling out after her, “W-wait! This is way too much, don’t you want your change?” At that she stopped and turned back to look at the girl behind the counter, frazzled from the bizarreness of the exchange.

“What, you let me try out the product and expect me not to pay for it? What type of person do you take me for? I’ll remember this.” Despite the threatening nature of her words, they carried no malice, only a light teasing tone that had Amber’s head feeling fuzzy.

“Oh, well, thank you! Have a nice day!” She called out after the office lady, but she had already crossed the threshold from the bakery into the street and was walking further and further away.

Please come back 

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The madeleines must’ve beaten out all the other bakeries and coffee shops in the area, because she came back everyday after that, always being early enough to beat the morning crowd, always keeping conversation short and to the point. Amber didn’t mind too much, not everyone is a morning person, she gets it. Still, it would be nice if she could get to know the only other regular who appreciated the same pastries she loved so much.

“Thank you, have a nice day!” Unlike with other customers, Amber didn’t bother to watch the office lady leave, she already knew she wouldn’t get a response and she was fine with giving the office lady her space. Already focused on her next task, she failed to notice how the sound of steps had stopped for a moment.

“You too.” Amber’s head shot up just as office lady walked out the door with her matcha croissant, mouth agape. Seconds passed before her words finally sank in, and when they did Amber felt pure joy erupt through her; pumping her fists, tapping her feet, and hopping around she let out an ecstatic “yes” at having finally made progress.

“Um, excuse me? Am I interrupting something?” Oh God, the embarrassment. This was almost as bad as when she’d completely zoned out in front of the office lady, during their first meeting. Of course, she hadn’t seen Amber act like a complete fool, but she couldn’t decide which was worse: completely ignoring what a customer is saying or acting like you’re on crack in front of them. Wait, customer, the customer!

“Oh, no, no, no, not all! Sorry about that, anyways, what can I get for you?”

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  Things developed more and more from there; it seemed like office lady was finally comfortable enough to start making actual conversation, although Amber still didn’t know her name yet. That was fine though, and she was happy with just getting to know the enigmatic woman. Among some of the first things she learned were that she came from a wealthy family, but she was estranged from them now; she had taken dance classes as a child -- flamenco and tango --  and still danced in her free time; she something something. The more her icy exterior melted away, the more Amber was drawn to her, and the thing she looked forward to the most when opening the bakery in the morning.

The bell above the door chimed, signalling the entrance of a customer, “Good morning, what can I get for you- oh, hi! What will it be today? Oh, there are these pineapple roast pork buns that we have: so good!” 

“I’ll take two of those, then.” She was straight to the point as usual, but there was a warmth in her tone that hadn’t been there during the first times she visited the bakery.

Well, this was a surprise. She usually asked to try anything before buying, “Are you sure you don’t want a sample before buying?”

“No, your recommendations haven’t ever been bad so I trust you.” There it was again; that warm tone that had Amber’s stomach doing backflips.

“O-oh, really?! Well, that’s a surprise,” stumbling over her words, Amber fought to keep down the blush rising on her cheeks. Her efforts were in vain, if the gleam in office lady’s eye as she looked her over was anything to go by.

“Are you implying that I’m a bad judge of character?”

“No, no, not at all,” scrambling with the tongs, and placing the two buns inside a paper bag, Amber averted her eyes. “Well, here are your buns, Miss. Enjoy them, and have a nice day!”

She took the bag, but she didn’t move from her spot on the other side of the counter, she simply looked at Amber, thinking. Finally, she said “Eula, my name is Eula. Well then, have a nice day.”

‘Eula’ Amber thought, as she watched the newly named woman walk out of the bakery.

“Eula.” She said it out loud this time, and found that she liked how it sounded. She’d have to say her name more often, and introduce herself properly the next time Eula came in for her morning sweets.

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Unfortunately, it would be quite some time before Amber next saw Eula. The next day came and went, and there was no sign that she was coming. This continued on for the rest of the week, and with each day that passed the crushing anxiety that she had done or said something wrong grew and grew. The weekend came, and while usually Amber would be ecstatic at having the opportunity to take a break from school, her mind couldn’t help but drift over to thoughts of Eula and what she could be doing.

‘I hope she hasn’t found another bakery.’ At that thought she sank deeper into the couch she was curled up in, and furrowed her brows as her mouth formed a pout. ‘I bet their buns aren’t as good as ours, and they probably don’t even have pink peppercorn madeleines! You know what, they probably don’t even know what matcha is!’

“Amber!”

“H-huh, what’d I miss?” Knocked out of her thoughts by her friend’s call of her name, she looked up to find her friends all staring at her; some with expressions of varying degrees of concern, others with pure amusement in their eyes. She quickly apologized and paid attention to the conversation at hand, but her thoughts always drifted back to Eula

‘I really hope she hasn’t found another bakery.’

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When the chime of the bell rang out, Amber quickly fixed her expression and greeted the customer. “Good morning, what can I get for you today…”  her words died off when she saw who exactly had walked into the bakery.

Standing there, looking as stunning as she had when they had first met, was Eula.

“Oh, hey, what can I get for you?” As Amber spoke, the anxiety and longing she had been feeling all of last week and over the weekend came back tenfold, and she couldn’t help but ask, “Did I do something wrong? Or did I make you uncomfortable or angry?”

It was clear from her expression that Eula was taken aback by the question, and for the first time, she looked unsure of herself, nervous even. She took a breath and then, “Yes, actually, I’m quite upset with you.” With those words, Amber’s face collapsed, and if Eula noticed she didn’t address it, and instead continued talking. “First of all, there was you ignoring me when we first met,” she raised her hand, ticking off Amber’s offenses as she spoke, “then, you thought I was some type of freeloader, and didn’t expect me to pay for that sample you gave me. And finally,” as she listed the final offense a small grin spread across her face, “you implied that I was a bad judge of character when I said I trusted you.”

“Now then Miss, how do you expect to pay me back for all your wrongs against me?”

If this had been early on in their pseudo-relationship, Amber would have been prepared for the worst. She would’ve gotten on her knees and begged for mercy, but now given how she had gotten to know Eula, all she could hear was the teasing lilt in her voice that made her head feel all fuzzy. Maybe it was the way her head was all clouded, or maybe it was her desperation to have something more with Ella, so she took a chance and said, “I have an idea, actually, so hear me out. There’s this restaurant nearby, they have this amazing honey roast. If you’re free this weekend, then maybe, we could go together? I’ll be paying, of course!”

“It’s a date, then, miss…”

“Oh, Amber! It’s Amber.” Her face had to have been on fire by now, and she couldn’t contain the bright smile that split her face. She calmed down a little, when Eula held out her phone, asking for her number, heart beating out of her chest all the while. When Eula’s phone was back in her hand, she gave Amber a smile that could have almost been shy if it wasn’t for the light in her eyes. They then said their goodbyes, and Eula left for work.

‘Wow’ Amber thought, collapsed against the counter now. Her eyes drifted over to the far end of the display case, where the pink peppercorn madeleines were, and she softly smiled.

[kookiepredictions]

Jungkook Energy Reading

Jungkook is at a major crossroad of his life. Here, he has a choice to make between 2 roads that will potentially lead him to 2 completely different lives. The choices are to either stay the course that he has been following until now, or to level up to a new, challenging but highly rewarding stage. This is a very fun and interesting topic to discuss so I will take my time with this.

To give you a context, Jungkook is a very highly intuitive person since, like, forever. Ever wondered why (or how) out of... (was it 7?)... so many company offers he chose to be with a small company for a reason that might seem like a whim? Ever wondered why his social media posts gain so much traction? Why he trends so often? If you’ve felt like Jungkook is one of those people who just “gets it” that’s because of his natural intuitive abilities. At the cost of being hated on, I’ll say this: he’s not the best singer in the world. Yet, he makes magic with his voice every time. He is an average dancer. Yet, he commands the stage and holds attention like nobody’s business. That’s because Jungkook has always worked with energy without knowing that he did. That’s why a lot of his achievements seem almost effortless. Yes, he works really hard for everything, but so do a lot of other people. Jungkook has this innate quality of (almost) always making the right choices, being at the right place at the right time that, combined with his ability to work hard, creates these massive outcomes. He’s a super powerful clairsentient and although I’m not sure if he consciously he uses his gifts, subconsciously it has often rewarded him, and so far he hasn’t had to really think about it too much, because it’s a naturally-occurring habit for him. But now he has reached a threshold where he has to contemplate things. Needless to say, it’s outside his comfort zone and is making him VERY stressed. He’s at a juncture where he feels this strong pull towards a direction but is afraid to go there because it’s out of his comfort zone and as is the case with that, he is plagued with doubts, confusion, opposing logics, etc— all of which is keeping him stuck and stagnant like a deer caught in headlights.

What is the problem with staying in his comfort zone, you might ask, I mean it has worked for him so far. Generally speaking, there’s no problem. There is never a problem in this world nor is there any good or bad. It all depends on how we see things. That’s why one person’s curse turns out to be another’s blessing, and one’s trash another’s treasure. The problem here is that, Jungkook has done the unthinkable— he has started to have dreams and desires (lol sorry not sorry I like to be dramatic). For a while (maybe a year or so?) Jungkook has been in this place (mentally and emotionally) where he has been rethinking and reinventing his goals, plans etc for his future. He has lived quite a while with a certain idea of how his life is going to go and worked with that vision. But it was getting tiring and draining in a way he didn’t quite understand why, followed by something impactful that happened in his life— has made him question everything. He has been proverbially studying himself in the mirror and rediscovering his true self. This is literally changing everything about his life. His wants are changing, the things that make him happy (or sad) are changing, and he has been think A LOT about how he wants his life to look like from here on. He’s trying to manifest a life that he thinks will not just give him the usual, practical material comforts of life, but also make him happy and fulfilled from a soul-deep space. And as is the case with manifestations, the first thing you gotta do is make sure your mindset is aligned with what you’re desiring. This is where Jungkook is at right now. He knows what he wants, he is willing to put in the work that it takes, and has also been making plans and taking action... but wait a second. Just when he thought that it is time for him to reap the rewards of his actions, things seem to be going south for him. He is facing problems and obstacles in nearly all areas of his life, and this has him utterly confused because he thinks he has done everything right and yet, why is he not seeing results materialize yet? He’s growing tired of this journey and it’s even more confusing because on the one hand, he still feels like he has hope and that there’s a high possibility that things will go his way, yet on the other hand, what IS happening in reality is quite the opposite. He feels like he’s being pulled in 2 opposite directions and both have equally strong reasons to go towards. This is what is known as “the crossroads”.

The reason he is not seeing results is like I said, manifestations are ALL about the mindset. Point blank period. If you hold a pendulum suspending by the string, and just THINK about moving it without moving your hand at all, it starts moving. This is how pendulum readings work. This is a small yet telling exercise to show how our mindset literally controls all our actions. So without the right mindset, actions mean nothing because those actions are coming from a mindset that is not aligned with what you want to manifest. This is what is happening with Jungkook. He is making his plans and taking action, like he has been trying to have a healthy routine, eat clean, exercise, practice his skills, etc but he is doing all of this from an outdated mindset. It’s like building a house of cards over a slanted surface. No matter how carefully you stack the cards, they come crashing down because the foundation is not right. His plans are great, his efforts are sincere, but are based on a very limited mindset. He thinks, well I’ll do this and this and then I’ll do that and that and then... but something goes wrong, some plans backfire, some work related problems come up, financial setbacks happen, and he is back to square one again. Then he feels unmotivated and goes into depressive episodes and eventually picks himself up and tries again but the whole thing happens again. He is now tired and feels he has no fights left and also feels it’s all useless because the Universe seems to be working against him. But that’s not the case. The Universe is simply telling him that no matter how hard he tries (because that’s kinda Jungkook’s mindset right now: if it didn’t work, try harder and harder next time), nothing will come to fruition if the mindset at the base of it all changes. And the same cycle will continue.

This crossroad is an opportunity for him to level up, not at the action point, but at the mindset point. He has to switch from the “work hard, struggle, chase” mindset to the “attract effortlessly” mindset. Now, this is not something new for Jungkook. Like I said, he is a natural intuitive and has actually attracted most of the things in his life quite effortlessly if you consider the fact that he has achieved more at 23 than most people have in their entire lives. The “struggle” is showing up because it is a crossroad. So no matter how competent, accomplished, or karmically good or bad you consider yourself to be, everyone struggles at some point or the other, when it is time to level up. I mentioned earlier that he is a Clairsentient and his comfort zone is to live his life according to his feelings without giving much thought to them and for a very long time, it’s worked out just fine. But now it is time for him to step into the role of a Claircognizant and to give a voice to his feelings. The Universe has been pushing this role at him for a while now, which has manifested in his life into a lot of overthinking, which is the shadow side of claircognizance. It entails a very active mind so at the beginning stages of honing this skill, you tend to struggle with overthinking and your mind sort of being all over the place. Think of your mind as an out-of-control river which floods everything around, but when you train your mind, and make it follow a course, it becomes life-saving. Because in the raw form, any spiritual gift comes with a lot of sharp ends, Jungkook is resisting this gift. He is stressed from all the overthinking and feels lost and out of control. So he tends to go back to his comfort zone and work from his old mindset and keeps facing obstacles. Now you might think, wow, being a Clairsentient is no joke either, so why bother about being a Claircognizant? Like leave the boy alone jeez. But like I always say, the Universe gives us all free will. There is no forcing him. He has made this choice when he started asking for this new, improved, happier life. This is something he is trying to manifest and to do that, he needs to have the right resources. At this point in his life, even being a Clairsentient (which is still awesome) is a limiting existence for him. Jungkook is an old soul. It might be interesting for you to know that he is the oldest soul in all of BTS and he is an older soul than his parents and brother as well! However, his old soul combined with a young mind and the fact that he is the youngest person in both his family and his BTS family, wreaks havoc within him. He often finds himself in situations where he feels deeply and profoundly but cannot express the depth of his feelings externally. This manifests as a throat chakra blockage even though he has a very strong and developed throat chakra (the reason why he is so expressive when he sings and is very facially expressive when dancing and just generally very expressive when he creates social media content from a fun, good mood space). Like I said, it’s a limit. So far it wasn’t as necessary to address this. But as he ages and his life progresses, he misses this skill set. He thinks it’s about his vocabulary, but it really is just about putting a voice to his inner feelings. He could feel it strongly inside when something is right or wrong, but he can rarely tell you why. He’s a good judge but he’s a terrible lawyer lol. And it’s not even telling or convincing others, it’s about telling yourself— KNOWING what you feel and why. Now, in this whole period of dilemma, he is starting to doubt his old gifts as well. He is starting to doubt his feelings and the ability to tell the right from wrong through his feelings— because that’s what energetic stagnation feels like; it feels like degeneration of everything that is, unless you decide to build something new upon the decaying old.

This jump from Clairsentience to Claircognizance can also be likened to the jump from the 3rd eye chakra to the Crown Chakra. And I don’t mean chakras in the sense that exist and govern various activities in our bodies. I mean it in the sense of the journey of consciousness of the various aspects of our existence, from the Root to the Crown. A renowned spiritual teacher had once said that the journey from the Root to the 3rd Eye Chakra has paths and procedures, but the journey from the 3rd Eye to the Crown Chakra has no path, no process, no formula. It is based on faith and faith alone. It’s a blind jump off the cliff, “knowing” that you are safe. Up until the 3rd Eye, you might be connected, but you are still operating within limits, all of which are of course self-imposed. Jungkook is at this point where he is asked by the Universe to step into his limitlessness. I have discussed in his career reading that he is meant to do some really huge things in his lifetime, which is crazy considering he already has done pretty epic things. The phrase “chosen one” always comes to mind when I talk about Jungkook, but I’d like to clarify this phrase first. We generally tend to see this term as something that sets one apart from others, as if they are special and privileged. But know that the Divine never differentiates. Each and every human has been created exactly the same in terms of capabilities. So it all comes down to free will and personal choice of which path each of us chooses. The thing to know about Jungkook is that he is one of the most sincere people on earth— actually as far as I’ve observed THE most sincere. And before Armys comes for me, yes, all of BTS are sincere. But spiritually speaking, Jungkook is still more sincere not just compared to the rest of the members but the general collective as well. He is, at his core, a very purpose-driven person. He is the least matrix-controlled, for those who know these concepts. He can’t do things just for the sake of it. It’s important for him to have meaning and purpose behind everything he does. Sadly though, he has spent the past few years doing exactly the opposite. He has been stuck in a cycle of activities that don’t bring joy to his soul and this has been sucking the life force out of him and he has been feeling more and more drained and has developed escapist tendencies. But it’s not that he has been externally forced to do these things, at least not always. It’s more so a result of lack of consciousness on his part. He didn’t know he was doing these things. He did what he did believing that he was doing the right thing— earning money, paying bills, securing a materially comfortable life— you know, all of the matrix stuff. But like I said, he does not easily fit into the matrix. While a lot of people spend their entire lifetimes plugged into the matrix, Jungkook is the type to sense discomfort very quickly and want to escape. The reason being, as I said earlier, he is an old soul and has lived many lifetimes developing awareness and his spiritual growth. This is why in this lifetime, he is naturally a lot more evolved than most (or all) of the collective. But since we do not remember our past lives and only carry that “growth” in our DNA, it’s something that is inherent to him without him actually knowing about it— until recently. Jungkook has been undergoing his spiritual awakening, and has been developing consciousness bit by bit— breaking out of the matrix so to speak. It’s this reason that he is “chosen” to do what he is about to do. Not because he has been unfairly selected out of many others, but because he has made this choice for himself and been working sincerely over many lifetimes. For this reason, Jungkook tends to have very pure emotions, and by pure I don’t mean non-sexual (because there’s nothing impure about sexual feelings). By pure I mean raw, unadulterated. He has very heightened sensibilities and feels every emotion to their purest essence, gifting him with high Emotional Intelligence. Unfortunately, this is not always a good thing because uncontrolled, he often tends to overwhelm himself with his mixed bag of feelings and this also causes the aforementioned escapism tendencies. And this is one more reason why he should level up. Regulating and organizing his myriad emotions and giving them a shape, a course will help him channel these gifts into fulfilling his dreams and creating big things in life. There are many things he can do, like journaling, writing down his dreams, goals, plans and procedure on paper, create routines based on his goals, etc but I feel like he is past this stage and is probably stuck in the part where he is doing everything and sometimes he has his wins but these wins are not becoming stable, and he is still getting his tower moments from time to time. This should mean one thing— he has reached the last stage of this journey, which like I said, is the journey to the Crown Chakra— the state of complete faith.

When discussing the concept of complete faith, we often use terms like blind faith, unquestioning faith, etc and while these terms are not exactly wrong per se, they can create misunderstandings. The Divine has blessed us with the ability to think, question and judge, not for nothing. Is it possible to have blind faith? Of course, lots of people do. But it’s also POTENTIALLY harmful to have faith in anything without actually having a knowhow of it. It’s not necessary of course, but for those who reach that level of consciousness, it is not just important, but absolutely essential to know the ins and outs and still have faith. I say it is more difficult to have complete faith with your eyes open than to have blind faith. Claircognizance at its best, is just that. While so far, your gut feeling has served you well and led you this close to the Divine, it is now time to employ your mind to catch up with your gut feeling and make sense of it all. While you learnt to open your eyes to the truth up until now, it is time to learn to keep your eyes open without blinking again and defend and embody the truth with your whole existence. This is literally the riskiest gamble. Like I said, jumping off the cliff. And that’s what Jungkook is being asked to do. So far he has been getting clarity about himself, his life and his path forward and treading cautiously with his small efforts and small wins, it is time for him to take the big leap forward. But the question of course is, how? And to where? While the details of this answer are with Jungkook, it has to start with releasing his limiting mindset. Have you ever noticed that whenever we have limited beliefs about something, either money or love or peace, the underlying belief is always that “I am limited”, “I have limited abilities”, “I have limited resources” etc. Meaning, any limits that we place on our external lives are actually limits that we think WE have. Money exists in this world, but I think I am limited in my potential to earn money. Love exists in this world, but I think I am limited in my potential to find love. You get the point. We actually do not think resources are limited, we think they are limited for us. Sometimes “us” means me as an individual, sometimes it means us as the entire population (cue: global warming, world peace, etc). Jungkook right now, is in the prime position to step out of this limited mindset into his unlimited potential. He has been operating from his limited mindset which is why his plans, no matter how well made, are failing. He has these big, beautiful dreams and has created this beautiful, peaceful life in his mind, but his old mindset is not aligned with this abundant life. The Universe has been nudging him in the direction of the mindset that he needs to adopt to align with his manifestations. I have written earlier somewhere that Jungkook thinks quite poorly of himself as a person and has self worth issues. In reality, he is the most sincere person Mother Earth has right now who has been working so hard for so long to reach this level of consciousness, it is safe to say no one else is as worthy as him to get everything that we wants. But by having these beliefs about himself, he is blocking the rewards that are meant to come to him. It’s like he has paid the price in advance, but is not accepting the delivery. Both because of being BTS’ golden youngest, Korea’s national pride, all the sweeping predictions about his future, and also his inner voice speaking to him, he is almost too aware of the great big things he is supposed to achieve, and although he does want them, a part of him is also scared and wants to run and hide and settle for something far less aka stay put in his comfort zone— all because of his limited mindset where he thinks he is not worthy of such things. And if you think you’re not worthy, obviously you’re going to think that it’s going to be an impossible task, which eventually either makes you take all the wrong actions, or not take action at all. This is why, no matter what his goals and plans, and no matter what actions he thinks of taking, he has to start with his mindset first. In fact, while manifesting, if I can tell you to do just one thing, it is to address the limits in your mindset. We’ve heard this many times and it sounds so simple but it really is the most, if not only, important step that matters. If the mindset is aligned with your goal, all actions will effortlessly flow towards that goal.

I feel like Jungkook has reached a level of self awareness and inner self dialogue where he is able to identify where his thoughts and emotions are going. He has definitely gotten a far better grip on his emotions than when I started this page, and contrary to what he thinks, his growth has been swift. It’s just that, we always expect a linear growth but that doesn’t happen with spirituality. And so every time he has a down time, he feels like he is back to square one. More so because Jungkook has such a perfectionistic and high achiever mentality. The reason why he seems to be going in a loop right now is because he has learnt and achieved everything that he has to with his current “limited” mindset. Hi future goals require him to grow out of that, not because his goals are something huge and difficult to achieve (because literally small and big are subjective both to humans and to the Universe) but because having a limitless mindset simply means to believe that I am worthy of achieving anything and everything I desire— without conditions. This is the mindset that Jungkook needs to work on adopting right now and everything else will smoothly flow from there. He needs to utilize the power of his mind— awareness, reasoning and self dialogue— to identify wherever he limits himself from believing his worthiness to achieve what he wants to have, and continue this practice until this new “I can f***ing have anything that I want” mindset is his default. Does it worry you that Jungkook will become an egotistical prick after that? Don’t worry, his soul has done enough work in the past to be grounded and humble through it all. This mindset is different from the ego-driven power-hungry mindset. Why? Because this power is the Source power. When we settle into our Crown Chakra consciousness aka Divine consciousness, we plug ourselves into the Source’s limitless creative power. The difference between ego-driven power and Source power is that while the former separates the individual from others, Source power recognizes the individual’s power as connected to and drawing from the Cosmos and therefore one we must give back to. It’s this constant cycle of giving and receiving in the Universe that makes Source power limitless, while the ego’s idea of power is one-sided and therefore finite.

Jungkook is kind of stuck in a place where, because he sees himself as limited, he looks to others to guide him, assure him, and provide him with the knowledge and direction that he needs. And that is because he has been disconnected from Source— not literally, but consciousness-wise. So far it wasn’t too bad, but now it is time for him to let go of the need for mediators and plug himself directly to the Source, i.e. work on his Crown Chakra. And as I mentioned earlier, it is as simple as just using your conscious mind to tell yourself, or more accurately, remind yourself, of your worth and your limitlessness. Jungkook feels like he needs someone to guide him, but he has forgotten that he has been prepared for the exact same task that he looks to another to do. Now this has a connection to his Twin Flame journey because his twin is at the same threshold, ready to level up to the same stage. The only slight difference is that she has already made her choice to level up to the new stage of limitless consciousness. And now it is up to Jungkook to make his. Do you what that means? It means a Union is on the horizon! After a long period of back and forth— one of them goes through a stage first then the other follows, and vice versa— they are finally going to be on the same page energetically, if Jungkook makes the choice. This is significant because Jungkook has been thinking that Union was something that was out of his control and he had nothing to do but to sit and wait, but all the while, it was a choice he had to make. Now, of course, this choice is not as simple as saying Yes or No. It’s a choice of consciousness— a consistent way of life that will, over time, upgrade and align their mindsets so they are both at the exact same stage. As twinflames, Jungkook and his DF are like the same person living in 2 different, alternate universes, with completely different lifestyles, work situations and challenges and the way they process these situations and challenges are similar, but not on the same page at the same time. They are soully same, yet because of their mortal forms being born and being raised in different environments, their ego-bodies have retained conditioning that make them different from each other in many ways, but as they shed their ego programming and connect more and more with their soul and with Source, they will be on the exact same page. This is when Union will occur. When they truly become one person in heart and mind. But this stage right now (i.e. before Union) is also the most challenging because this is where Separation truly happens. Physical separation is the least important aspect of the TF separation. This is where they are both on their own. They must individually find their faith aka go back to the Source, because without their connection to the Source, there is no TF connection; it becomes just another earthly connection riddled with alternating bouts of joy and sorrow, peace and pain. Usually in this journey, one twin is a more advanced journeyer than the other, who first “activates” the other i.e. leads them to their consciousness and guides them, usually energetically where when one twin crosses a stage, the other is literally pulled into that stage for them to cross. It’s like only one twin gets to make the choice and the other has no choice but to follow suit. This is also the reason why one twin feels more helpless and out of control. They are literally being yanked around by their twin’s energetic choices lol. But at this juncture, the guide twin has to leave the other twin’s hand, not because they don’t want to hold on, but because they can’t— they have nothing more to offer. This is where both twins get to make their choices individually. This stage is new for both of them and therefore they must individually cross this stage and meet at the other side. This is the period of ultimate spiritual growth, the after effect of which is blissful togetherness. But possible only if both twins make their choice to move forward.

 I’ll end this post with a message from Jungkook’s DF:

 Jeongguk,

I hope you’re holding up okay, partner, cuz I know I’m getting my ass kicked. Did you absolutely hate this journey? Because I didn’t. Just like you, I didn’t know what I signed up for either. I made a simple wish and this road has been bumpy but it has also had the most incredible views along the way. The way I have grown over these recent times compared to my whole entire life is crazy! I love who I have become and who I continue to become. And I believe you had a part to play in this. I know you don’t believe that so much. I know you battle with your own doubts, fears and insecurities, just like I battle with mine. You still measure your importance with how much you do for others. But maybe someday I can tell you how much you have done for me simply my existing as who you are. Because who you are will determine what you will always do, not just once or twice. And you have grown so much too! I have sensed that often. But unless we learn to recognize our growth, we don’t see it. But since I had VIP seating lol I got to watch you grow. Sometimes you resisted, sometimes you fought, sometimes you hoped, sometimes you held on to the faith when I was ready to give up, sometimes you were hurtful and challenged me to find within myself new depths of love and understanding. You made me cry, you made me laugh, you made me angry, you made me blush. But you never left. And I didn’t leave either. We tried though. Both of us. And failed. Repeatedly. It’s been frustrating and funny. How we thought we could get away and the Divine kept guiding us back to each other. You know, I think the problem is that we’re both helplessly curious idiots. Always wanting to know more, always wanting to move ahead. Obstacles never had a chance with us. We were always the introspective types, you and I, always looking to solve our problems, hungry for growth. As they say, careful what you wish for.

I am aware of your expectations of me, always was. But I had to hold back. I couldn’t do anything that I wasn’t fully ready to do. Right or wrong, I had to do as I felt guided to do— it’s my sovereign right. I guess because deep down I knew that you would understand. Of all people, you would understand. And I was right, you did. You threw hands and made a mess often lol but you still did understand and patiently stuck around each time. I know it seems like I’ve been running further and further away from you, but I have actually been getting closer to you. Spiritually. I guess soon it’s going to be visible as well. Now there is this stage. It feels like a strange place to be in right now. Good strange. I know you are scared and doubtful and expect me to assure you that everything will be alright. How can I? I am scared and doubtful too. Every day, I am in these juxtaposed energies of faith and doubt, sorting through them like... one moment I am super believing, another moment I’m all nope can’t do.

I know you want me to say that I love you and that I always will, and to promise that if we take this journey, I will be there waiting for you. And I want to. I really REALLY want to make these promises to you. But in the past I have been in situations where these promises were made and then conveniently forgotten later. I’m trying not to let my past control my present or future but I have also learnt that words can be forgotten, but intentions are forever. And that is what I want to say to you: I have the intention. I intend to make this work. When the time is right, I intend to give this my best shot. Tbh, I feel like I have been giving this my best shot for a while now, but maybe we don’t agree on that lol. And I also want to tell you that I’ve never felt about anyone else what I feel about you and I don’t think anyone else can ever take your place in my life. What that means exactly I don’t know yet.

The reason why I tell you neither what to do nor what not to do is because I don’t want to control your life. I know you me to show some ownership on you, and you on me, but believe me, you’ll hate it there. I’ve been there suffocating and it’s the most beautiful feeling to make your own mistakes, learn your own lessons, and watch yourself become your own artwork masterpiece and I don’t want to take away that experience from you. This is not my apathy. This is my gift to you. Also, yes I’m a pretty generous and just generally amazing person lol but do you really think I write pages after pages for just anyone and for no reason? Put two and two together silly.

You doubt your worth so much and since I do that too, I know how that works and won’t hold that against you, but it seems like now you have no choice but to see your worth. You must know, that I’m leaving you alone only because I’m confident you’ll find your own way. I’ll admit, I haven’t always been confident in you. Maybe I will falter again. But don’t you see, that’s the point? I will never be fully confident in you until you are confident in yourself. The more you doubt, the more I doubt too. But I’ve been observing you for a long time now and it’s just so hard to not trust you. Even with all the doubts and apprehensions constantly attacking me from all directions, I keep going back to you. I really hope my gut feeling about you is right or I’ve just made a big booboo lol. The funny thing is, I don’t care as much now. It’s almost like, fine, if anything, this will go down in my history as a wonderful, fun mistake and I don’t think I will ever regret it because in this moment I’m doing what I want to do— either it leads to a reward or a lesson, both are welcome. I have never been THIS vulnerable in my life like I hear myself say these things and I sound so crazy and stupid lol I’m so not my sassy and smartassy self right now.

As I was saying, I really do believe you’ll find your way. I don’t even know what that way is, or what your problems are, but I know you will solve them all. I’ll just be here, solving mine. How do I know for sure we can solve all problems? Because each one of the 7 billion people can. The only reason they don’t is that they don’t have a strong enough reason to push themselves to do that. Do we have a strong enough reason? How much do our dreams mean to us? For me, I have had this picture painted of this perfect life for a while. And yes, it has you in it. Very prominently. In my mind, it’s this beautifully balanced, harmonious, vibrant relationship with a forever after. And I don’t want to ruin that picture for short term hedonism. So I really believe, if our reason is strong enough, if this means that much to us, no obstacle can limit us from getting what we want. You’re not the only one who goes after what he wants and never gives up. I’m somewhat of that breed too. It’s just that this has clearly been a journey and it has brought some wild surprises along the way. I’ve struggled but now I’m learning to accept anything that comes with it. If the road leads me to my destination I don’t care how bumpy it is. It’s literally up to you right now. And I promise, it’s not even that difficult when you let go of resistance. All you have to do is consistently believe that you have limitless power to achieve anything you want and to create your reality the way you want it. I know it’s been a struggle and it feels like just the opposite, but it’s been that way because believe it or not, YOU have had these limiting beliefs about yourself and what you can create. I also know it’s been a long road and you’re tired, but it’s safe to drop the defences now. You might feel like certain situations or certain people are out of your control and how could you ever have things work your way, but it’s all in the mindset. The moment you reset your mindset and stick with it, you will see your reality change. In any situation, do not focus on the external events— they are simply the results of your previous mindset. Rather, ask yourself, what limiting thoughts and beliefs you have in your mindset right now and proceed to change them. I promise to you, people and situations will change to suit your needs, without ever having to deal with anyone. All this WILL happen, so don’t give up until they do. Twinflame, soulmate, karmic, friends, partners, colleagues— everyone will adjust according to your needs when YOU step into your limitlessness. Remember, it’s not just you who are tied to your karmics, they are tied to you too. An attachment exists from both sides. You don’t have to worry over the other person severing the tie, it’s enough if you let go of your end. Ask yourself, what are the common energies I share with my karmic? Identify these energies, heal the underlying trauma and ascend from them. This automatically ends your karmic contract and your karmic is free from you as well, no matter what their status is. The reason your karmics exist is because deep in your mindset you still believe that that’s your place and that’s what you’re worthy of— it’s part of the comfort zone you’re still stuck in.

I wish you well, my favorite human, I really hope I find you at the end of this journey. I want everything that you want. There are so many shared dreams and goals that we have— I will tell you all about my dreams one day. Until then I need to live some of these on my own, go on a little solo adventure, while I let you go on yours. And when it’s over and we’re ready (and no we’re not ready right now no matter how much you try to convince me lol) I promise I will see you again. When and how, I have no idea, but I’m happy to leave that to however the Divine guides us. I promise I’ll never forget you because I literally can’t. Love you!