#and being emotionally torn between objectives

[finalgirlsamwinchester]

realised. dean is the perfect viewer avatar for a horror show. he gets to be both the action hero and the quippy, self-aware wiseguy who knows he's in a horror show. he provides a safe point; a comfortable power fantasy for you to experience a story through. he's ash in the evil dead. he's a gunslinging tough guy, and you get to see those moments where heroism sits on his shoulders like an ill-fitting leather jacket. and even when he gets his turn at being captured and victimised by the narrative, it's filtered through this mythic lens first. he's the tormented hero; tortured by villains, tortured by the constraints of his role. yeah he gets bruised, beaten bloody to a pulp, torn to shreds and killed, but his perception of reality never gets thrown into serious doubt (unless it's played out as a gag). the narrative valorises his sense of right and wrong, because that's what heroic stories do. their heroes provide moral center, regardless of how we might judge them. the lines dividing hero, anti-hero, and villian are paper thin, and dean isn't truly ever allowed to be ambiguous. and the hero always wins in the end, even when he dies.

meanwhile sam is the abject object of the horror show, a character who gets trussed up, chased, tied up, ripped apart, cut into, possessed, exploited, manipulated and psychologically hounded. he's carrie covered in pig's blood. he's the marginal person people are cheering on either to die - or to live past it all. he gets his turn at playing both movie monster and victim, always occupying the liminal space between both. abject horror lives within him. he's violated with demon blood, he consumes demon blood. he hates halloween because he vomited his guts up in front of a room of normal children. he will never get to be normal, he's designated the freak on multiple levels, but most significantly, by the way his narrative frames him. he's living inside a world that is at its core, fundamentally frightening and horrifying - full control over himself and his surroundings is always slipping away, just beyond his reach. his grip on reality and the world around him gets thrown into question by the story consistently. what's right? what's wrong? what's real? what isnt? the narrative punishes him - because that's what happens to you when you're living in a horror. he can never run away from his nightmare reality, it catches up to him like a curse nipping at his heels. the only way out for him is through the punishing fire. in order to survive, he's required to be pushed to the absolute brink of instability; emotionally, physically and mentally. he emerges out the other end, barely holding it together but somehow alive - like the bloody final girl, changed irrevocably by what she's experienced.

[dayurno]

andrew and neil talking about kevin are like he just exudes this animalistic magnetism... his sex appeal is unmatched.... cut to kevin sitting on the floor organising his socks by colour

THEYRE LITERALLY LIKE THIS ITS SO BAD... i think the most hilarious thing in the world is that kevin is objectively attractive but his personality ruins it, and the two people who don't see it are the two guys that are so emotionally attached to kevin they go back full circle to finding him hot again. its amazing. its meant to be. they're star-crossed. no one is ever going to love kevin better. they think he's this force of nature and kevin is still embarrassed of the things he said when they met

kevin: remember when we were 18 and i told you i could give your life meaning. haha that was so embarrassing

andrew who took it very seriously: :|

on a similar vein lately the #kandreiltrend ive been loving is andrew saying out of pocket shit about kevin to neil and neil being torn between agreeing and regretting that he gave andrew a safe space to say this kind of thing. see example below

andrew looking at kevin wash a cabbage leaf by leaf because abby asked him to wash the veggies: he looks like a baby cow begging not to be slaughtered

neil, mid-thanksgiving dinner preparations: what do you mean by that? andrew. what do you mean by that

[dangermousie]

A pusher post: What Happened in Bali (2004)

This monster hit of a drama (also known as Something Happened in Bali) starred three about to become huge stars - Ha Ji Won, Jo In Sung and So Ji Sub. It's one of my favorite kdramas of all times and was HUGE when it aired, but because it's almost 20 years old, is nowadays less known than it should be.

My elevator pitch for it would be: "What it's like to be the object of (adult) Domyouji's obsession in real life." Answer - misery and self-destruction.

The plot seems fairly straightforward and revolves around four individuals, all of whom are damaged and none of whom are that likeable but some of whom (if you are me), you end up loving anyway.

Ha Ji Won is Soo Jung, a poor girl working as a tour guide who ends up being torn between attentions of two very different and very damaged men - the icy, ambitious, poor one played by So Ji Sub and a volatile, abused car crash about to happen wealthy one played by Jo In Sung. (In possibly my favorite performance of his ever.) The fourth main character is a wealthy young woman played by Park Ye Jin who was in love with So Ji Sub but threw him over for the status and money of arranged engagement with JIS.

Bali is a very dark drama, in a way dramas really aren't today. Yes, of course there are dramas with damaged or even negative protagonists, tragedy, and darkness. But what old kdramas sometimes had is a certain grinding every day aspect of misery, if it makes sense. It is not larger than life, there is no message, it's not healing. It's broken people trying to get through soul-crushing darkness and being ugly about it and often failing.

Ha Ji Won, the pivot of the story, is not happy or noble. She is desperate and grasping; she wants money and she wants love and she wants everything, anything to feel the gaping hole in her soul. I knew the story wasn't going to be your usual one when I saw the scene where Jo In Sung's character Jae Min offers her $$$ for a one-night stand and she calls him a jerk (and you see by his reaction he doesn't even understand that what he said was insulting - he is puzzled. In his world, everything can be bought and sold, and there is no such thing as affection) and then asks whether he is going to pay before or after. In her world, there is no room for the grand gesture, for throwing money in his face. She leaves only because he kicks her out (giving her money but not doing anything - which is so telling) telling her to buy her new shoes (hers are broken) and saying "it's not fun any more" (the first of many instances she really throws him off any usual ways he deals with things). And then she trips on her broken heels walking out, sprawling in the lobby, inelegantly grabbing and picking up money.

When we first see her, she seems mostly well-adjusted but the more the story progresses, the more we see she is just as broken as Jae Min, who just be the most broken kdrama ML that I have come across. (So Ji Sub's character In Wook has frozen himself and somehow avoided some damage that way; it doesn't hurt that his damage unlike SJ and JM's isn't reinflicted over and over; and Yeong Joo, our secondary girl, is largely content - she mostly accepts the devil's bargain she made for money.)

One of the biggest pleasures of this drama for me is contrasting in the way Jae Min is going to be with Soo Jung eventually - utterly desperate and brought down and willing to beg and beg and beg, and the way he is at the start - emotionally detached, with all the 'power' on his side - I mean, contrast his propositioning her for that one-night stand and the scene where they finally make love, a dozen eps from then.

BUT! And I think this is one of the reasons I love this drama so much - it is not a story of love as salvation, it is the story of love as damnation. As far as Jae Min is concerned, this is the story of devolution. His soul wakes up and he falls in love and he commits himself utterly and that breaks him down more and more and eventually makes him a broken destroyer of himself and the woman he loves. Because, the drama seems to say, in his environment, only a true cold monster can thrive or at least survive; the moment he loves someone, he's done. The whole this drama shows abuse is so telling. His monster father beats him regularly even if Jae Min is a grown man (there is a scene in his office in ep 2 where daddy is practicing golf in his office and Jae Min flinches any time the golf club is in his vicinity, and almost stutters and it's a small preview of what we are going to get.) But his mother who spoils her "baby" even though that "baby" is a grown man, but only if he does what she wants; he's supposed to have as much self-determination as a poodle, is as bad.

And there is Ha Ji Won - she is so desperate, so alone, so grasping, so greedy, so alive. She is a rare kdrama FL who sleeps with both her leading men (not at once, it WAS 2004 :P) and takes so long to decide that she loves Jae Min because she doesn't want to let go of even a crumb of what she can have because she's been so starved in every way.

And then there is the infamous ending

SPOILER

SPOLER

SPOILER

Where Jae Min (who has been through total hell by then; god the scene where he's on his knees begging his father to spare Soo Jung, trying to convince the man he never loved her) believes wrongly but reasonably that Soo Jung never loved him and played him to take all the family's stuff in cahoots with In Wook and goes into their room (where they just finished banging) and shoots them both right after she just finished telling In Wook that she is going to go back to Jae Min despite the risk because that's who she loves is !!!!! And as she dies, she tells Jae Min, for the first time, she loves him. And he goes out and the last shot (no pun intended) is him on his knees putting a gun to his temple and a shot ringing out. And that's the ending; our main three dead (and Jae Min never knew she never betrayed him and only finding out she loved him when it was too late), the sole survivor is the ice cold secondary girl. All people who had some humanity dead and destroyed by the monsters heaping constant wrong and abuse on them until they broke and said monsters continuing with their nice lives.

And the thing is - the drama does not condone anyone - not the family abusers who break Jae Min down bit by bit in the drama, not Jae Min who does the most monstrous thing at the end, going from a man willing to die body and soul so Soo Jung could live to the man who himself kills her, not In Wook who steals everything who wasn't nailed down, nor secondary girl who will never be touched by anything, not even Soo Jung who got into all of this because of her greed - it just lays it all out and presents their humanity and goes "watch. watch. watch."

Nobody would make this nowadays. They'd need a message or a cynical tint or w/e. Not just - sometimes there is no moral, no message, sometimes you watch people self destruct and love them as character even if not as people anyway.

There has been a rumored remake (shudder) for years but it has never taken off the ground and thank god. Without cast and with modern way of doing dramas, it would be terrible.

PS Speaking of terrible, the clothes in this drama oh my GOD.

[nothingtherefornow]

I may lose hope in Kagami by the end of season 5... or not

SEASON 5 BIBLE SPOILERS AND LEAKS SPOILERS WATCH OUT EVERYONE WHO WANTS TO AVOID IT

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Sorry I don't know how to hide part of my post so you can only read the spoiling part by clicking on "read more" so for now instead I'm using spaces marked with dots ^^'

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So ... hum ... according to iwasbored777 and the leaked parts of episodes scripts she read, Félix stalked Kagami, kidnapped her and murdered her mother in front of her.

And Kagami will still fall for such a toxic and abusive person, so now I'm torn between feeling bad for Kagami, and being dissapointed in her not only because she'll become friend with a girl who hurt Marinette (who is supposed to be Kagami precious friend) but Kagmi will be attracted to a dude who also hurt Marinette. And even if Kagami doesn't know that Felix tricked and betrayed Ladybug in the worst way possible, I think I remember this part of a script from Emotion where Felix as Argos kidnap Marinette in front of Kagami or something during emotion ? Yeah that really doesn't protray Kagami as a good friend if she become attracted to Felix after this

But I still feel very bad for Kagami because with the way her mother raised her and is still emotionally abusive toward her, Kagami could easily doubt her friendships and accept the attention of somoene who can relate to her and understand her feelings.

At this point if Adrien truly does start to stand up to Marinette's bullies in the next epsiodes the Love Square is definitelly the healthiest ship of the show. Those who think it's toxic really need to look twice at the Gabenath ship, and at how the Feligami ship could turn out to be

Whever Felix gets a redemption or not he still sounds and seem too insane for my taste and Kagami does indeed needs better standards.

A guy like Luka for example. Maybe that's why the writters will get him out of the way in episode 13 Migration by making him go travel with his father and then meet Su-han and being teached Mirakungfu. They probably knew that after Determination there would be more Lukagami shippers and they didn't want any competition to get in the way of Feligami

I really really hope that ml writters intentions are to portray toxic and unhealthy relationship with Feligami and how someone who was shelttered and isolted their whole life and are starved for love and affection can easilly fall for abusers's manipulative tactics. I hope that if the Feligami ship comes true and Felix doesn't drastically change for the better, that his relationship with Kagami won't last.

After all we had the Lukanette and Adrigami ships coming true only for a short time so it's not impossible that Feligami may also be temporary and that at the end of the show she could find a better love partner for Kagami

And I also hope Kagami will realize at some point that Lila is the one lying and being a bad friend who only befriended Kagami in order to hurt Marinette and maybe get to Adrien.

But maybe that's just whishfull thinking on my part, and if the ML writters truly believe that the current Felix and Kagami are right for each others and that there would be nothing wrong in their relationship while Felix remain toxic and abusive, then I guess that will be another big flaw we can objectively acknowledge in their writting

I'm afraid what this would teach kids watching Miraculous though

Now if Felix softens thanks to Kagami because he has guenuine feelings for her and feels bad about her toxic and abusive relationship with her mother, and thus truly wants Kagami to be free from her mother's grasp, maybe Feligami could work. The problem will come if the authors rush things too much between Felix and Kagami.

[seerofmike]

oops its been a while since i've done a longer post abt apex lore but the way they're writing octane right now is really bugging me

so between the new chapter of this season's quest and The Perfect Son i've seen enough of the newer writers' version of octane to say that i don't think they know how to write him in text quests very well?

i'm not gonna lie and say octane was some hidden genius but he also wasn't Objectively Stupid, either. he's a dumbass, but to me that's different from being stupid. like he was well-meaning but impulsive, he was rash but there were semblances of good ideas in that brain of his that could have been Great ideas if he thought about 'em a little more. now he just says stupid things for the sake of... comedy? and not even in the awkward "oops i accidentally said smth dumb" way mirage used to do, just plain "this man was born yesterday" levels of stupidity.

if you compare this chapter to how he was written in the Family Business SFTO or the season 7 and season 9 comics, there's a stark difference. and this was a minor problem in earlier text quests too, but not as bad. he's always been his best in animations and commissioned comics and i think seeing him visually acting out (or voicing) what they're writing him to say makes them realize how he looks and they dial it back.

and it really sucks because i LIKE the *theoretical* direction they're taking octane right now. him getting worse before he gets better and being okay with torres's actions to an extent because he's incredibly selfish and torres in turn worsening his absolute worst traits. that's very interesting and i like it!! especially when this new chapter demonstrated that like octane, torres is also very manipulative and he clearly gets it from him.

but it's hard to take him or his actions seriously when they have him acting like this. it actually HURTS what they want to do with him. remember when octane was emotionally intelligent? emotionally intelligent enough that he was able to tell lifeline was upset and comforted her multiple times after her parents did awful stuff but ALSO emotionally intelligent enough to be shitty and manipulative and guilt-trippy? he wasn't an Empath(tm), but he at least picked up on cues like that and knew how to use that to his advantage. in this new chapter octane is as dense as a brick in regards to how seer's feeling and i can't see This octane smart enough to be as shitty and manipulative the way he used to be and it makes the parallels between him and torres fall flat on their face.

apex seems to have a problem with flanderization of "comedic" characters in general. mirage got turned into a bumbling idiot jackass for a couple of seasons and it was one of the things that made me hate his character. joke's on the writers tho. i've invested too much time into octane for 4 whole years to have him be torn away from me the same way 😤

[dogtierz]

How would you classpect Omori characters?

IM SO GLAD I CAN TALK ABOUT THIS!!! okay i’m putting a tldr at the start but warning for long post ahead of my reasoning (this is very much so me rambling) — also apologies for answering this ask so late ive spent the last like . 4 days thinking about this

sunny: mage of void

basil: sylph of life

mari: seer of heart

kel: heir of hope

hero: page of heart

aubrey: maid of rage

explanations under the cut !!!!

starting off with sunny ofc:

im gonna be so real i do Not have an explanation of why i chose mage . it just made sense in my head !!! i think it is a fun little interesting parralel to mari having the passive version of the knowledge class,, as for aspect,, i feel like void is pretty self explanatory. idk! i dont have much to say for this one but trust me it made sense in my head,!! i would like to hear if anyone else has a sunny god tier headcanon cuz yeah this is the one i am least confident in tehe

alright basil i feel like i can answer very easily:

i’d say he is definitely a sylph — and part of this may or may not be me projecting as i am a sylph and i really relate to basil’s character ;D

sylphs at their core are a passive, creation class. i think its a given basil would play a more passive class, i cant explain it but it just objectively makes sense to me. basils whole deal is that he wants to fix things, and feels inclined to heal and go back and fix his past mistakes, making sylph pretty much a given.

i was kinda torn between choosing the life or hope aspect for basil, as both objectively make sense in canon - but i wanted to sort of limit choosing multiple of the same aspects for characters. i think the life aspect makes sense for basil more, especially due to the plant symbolism n stuffs

ANYWAY,, sylph of lives whole deal are to allow for emotional growth in other people. i think the rest of the group very much so see basil as a person to look up to, someone who always tries to see the best in things and allows and encourages others to undergo personal growth.

alright mari time:

okay mari was kind of an obvious choice for me. i think seer very much so makes sense for her character, she’s very emotionally intelligent and being the sort of leader in their group, she has a lot of knowledge and serves as someone the rest of the group looks up to.

seers are very likely to slip into depressive states and have a pessimistic outlook on things, even though mari seems very optimistic to everyone else around her, we know as an objective fact that she is an overworker, overthinker and has the tendency to slip into states of perfectionism - i guess in a sense this can be compared to rose and her tendancy to slip into unhealthy coping mechanisms and behaviours too

seers are pretty much an essential for a successful sburb session - and i think this fits well with the fact that mari is an essential to the friend group.

heart is a given, i feel i dont have to explain why mari has the heart aspect — seers of hearts are a classpect who invites knowledge through heart. and again mari suits this very very much imo!

okay! kel!!

alright. classpecting kel was kinda difficult — the hope aspect was obvious but finding a class for this dude,, man,, was it hard but in the end i decided to settle on

the base definition of a heir of hope is someone who influences and inspires the hope of others - allowing change from hopeless to hopeful, this defintely applies to kel in canon.

kel is very much a hopeful optimist, his reaction to maris death compared to the others was to hide his own emotions and remain hopeful (even though he did react badly, he just repressed it), he always was the one to hold out hope that the group would get back together, be friends again and everything would be fine! he just wanted his friends to be happy and tried to turn them from hopeless and lost to hopeful! — i think this is very well shown in the church scene w aubrey and how so badly kel just ! wanted to help !! ahhhggh i love him

heir of hopes are a motivational rock to their session, which acts like how kel is to the group

also i feel like kel kind of reminds me of john a little bit - i suppose this perhaps maybe a tiny lil bit influenced my descision u_u

for hero:

i chose page of heart,, i liked having hero and mari share an aspect bc they are just . they are both so lovey and heart to me ;3; and man obviously hero would have the heart aspect, i mean, nothing else would suit his character more.

a page of heart is someone who invited exploitation through heart, the passive counterpart to the knight class. pages are a strong and smart class, as is hero. a page of heart is passionate and thinks w their heart, again, as does hero.

pages are STRONG, and i feel like hero as the ability to play a very strong and important class. hearts and pages are both prone to being sensitive people, loving, caring and i suppise charming too (again!!!! as is hero!!! :P) — also if this makes any sense to literally Anyone else,, hero kinda reminds me of jake in a sense i Cannot explain why PSNDHDJ

and lastly, aubrey

like sunny i struggled a lot classpecting her but i got there in the end and - i actually have an explanation !!!

firstly, rage being the parralel counterpart to the hope aspect (which is what i classpected kel) is very funny to me, i think in game they have a very fun relationship and exploring that through them having polar opposite aspects is silly

maids are an active creation class, aubrey creates rage as a way to deal with the grief of losing mari. i think she does this more by self destruction but she very much so also takes her anger out on others and utilising her emotions for her class is something i feel is very interesting. aubrey creates rage through herself and takes it out on those around her

thank u for reading if u read all of this.. i enjoyed v much so writing this (i wanna draw em now too -__-) + i apologise if i got anything classpecty wrong.. pls correct me if so!!

[tokoyamisstuff]

Chemistry Ch. 2 - Franken Stein / Reader

Summary: Much to everyone's astonishment, you and Stein get along surprisingly well.

Warnings: None. Literally just fluffy nonsense.

[Masterlist]

"Let me try again! One last time, please?"

"Sure..." Honestly, it's way too early for Stein to endure anyone's voice longer than the bare minimum - but on the other hand, it was quite entertaining to see you all delighted over something so trivial. "Go ahead."

You giggled like an overly excited child as you pressed Stein's hands together, emitting soulwaves through your palms with ease.

It was a rather pleasant sensation, he had to admit.

...but with such a happy look on your face, he didn't really feel like destroying your efforts just like that.

"Now try moving them apart!" The strings you had formed to stitch his palms together were feeble and easily torn apart...

"Very good" your partner praised with a proud smile on his face, acting as if it was hard to set himself free. "You certainly have potential."

Learning this kind of skill sure wasn't easy. In fact, Stein was the only person known to be capable of using his soulwaves in this unique way - until now.

"Do you want some coffee?" you hummed, disrupting his line of thought. "I think I've stressed you enough this early in the morning, so it's the last I can do."

"Yeah, that would be nice" he mumbled, head resting on the table of the teacher's lounge as he watched you operate the coffee machine. "And don't worry about it - I like having little side studies."

Stein couldn't help but using his soul perception, the initials on your soul catching his attention once again - and he began to wonder: Don't they say Soulmates share similar abilities?

"Say, Y/N, what was the property of your weapon again?"

"Electricity" you answered as you put down the mug in front of him, hearing a quiet 'thank you' in between his usual self soliloquies. "Why?"

"Oh, nevermind. Forget it."

Mistaking the brooding with his usual morning grumpiness, you didn't really put much thought into your partner's words. "We sure make a good team, right? At first glance, no one'd ever expect us to be so similar."

"We are not even remotely alike" he retorted, absentmindedly stirring his drink. "Far away from it, even."

"I object. We are compatible in the ways that count!" You ended the topic like that as you sat down next to him, busying yourself with preparing today's lessons.

Since Death's order a whole month had passed without further incidents, so there was plenty of time for the two of you to grow accustomed to one another.

At the beginning you admittedly were still a little hesistant and unsure to what extend you could trust your unusual new partner, but Stein really went out of his way to act welcoming.

While he could certainly be a pain in the ass and liked to annoy you more often than not, he was also reliant, funny, witty - and could even be quite charming if he felt like it.

However, sometimes it was hard to conceive whether the man was being genuine, or if he was just acting to give you a false sense of security.

Spirit, knowing him best, emphasized that even though Stein certainly had a more humane side towards certain people, he was emotionally immature and unable to control the different sides of his personality...

...and that he was in fact very talented when it came to playing along with what's considered 'normal' behavior - even if you rather wouldn't want to know what's going on behind the facade.

And while Stein himself was amazed that your constant presence didn't bug him in the slightest, something about it still wasn't sitting right with him.

The small possibility of you poor thing being his Soulmate, that is.

"You done there?" Stein leaned over to see the last few tests you were currently grading - way too late, obviously, since class started in not even twenty minutes. "I can help you with that, you know."

You had been obsessed with perfecting Stein's soulwave technique lately, and had wasted a lot of time on training those past few evenings instead of doing your actual work.

"Forget it!" you wouldn't even look up from the papers, feeling irritated that you could get distracted by his stare so easily. "I've screwed up myself, so I'll get it done myself. And also: Your handwriting is awful."

"Aww, you should hear yourself." Not that he doesn't know what it's like to rather drop dead than to accept someone's help, but your stubbornnes was almost endearing. "Death's hard-working little lapdog."

"You're one to talk, you freaky douchebag!" You punched Stein's stomach softly, a few sparks of your soulwaves disappearing into thin air as soon as they touched him...

...Soulmates are also unable to harm each other with their souls, he mused.

"We should take bets whether they start making out or get at each others's throat first." The source of that aggravating voice was Sid, entering the teacher's lounge together with the others who had been in the canteen during lunch break.

"Fair enough" Stein cackled, even though you were the opposite of amused. "Don't encourage them! And also: gross."

"Hey, I consider myself quite a catch." Seems like he's enjoying the subject as long as it get's on your nerves.

"Yeah, so does Spirit" you scoffed, hearing the man whine in the background before he proved you right as he started bothering one of the other female teachers.

Out of a whim, Stein put his arm around your shoulder, jokingly declaring "Besides: This is the woman that let me operate on her without a sedative. So she's not too bad either."

You blinked up at the man, taken aback by the sudden proximity before watching your wrist. The wound was almost nonexistent now, just as he had promised back then - and you couldn't help but feel grateful.

"So that's the only way to earn your respect?" Naigus spat bitterly, walking past the man without biding him another look. "Psycho."

Maria Naigus sure was the hardest colleague to deal with - at least ever since you had been assigned to Stein, that is...

...and that mix of disdain and pity whenever she looked at you was somehow hard to bear.

Moreso, it seemed like he always drew the focus on himself, so the others would leave you alone. "If you want to find out, you know the location of my laboratory."

"Haha, maybe." Stein himself seemed completely unfazed by the constant degrading. Well, he's probably used to be the centre of negative attention either way.

Naigus chose to ignore him, rather whispering some barely audible curses under her breath as she stormed outside the room again. Sid rushed after her after uttering a half-heartedly apology on behalf of his partner.

There was a while of uncomfortable silence until soon the remaining teachers would leave for their respective classes as well, and you finally felt like you could breathe freely again.

You should've been used to this kind of treatment by now, and if not you should hurry up and do so - because this is what it's like to be associated with Stein.

"Well that was uncalled for" you said, about whom of the two you weren't sure. "Why does she have such a great problem with you?"

"Who doesn't?" he shrugged, just to be sharply poked to the chest by you. "Me, for example."

"Yeah, that's right." You felt Stein's hand petting your head, smiling at you almost innocently. "Thanks for putting up with me, Y/N."

"Oh, I- uh...it's actually fun being around you, ya know? Never get's boring at least."

There was something about whenever the two of you touched that shot pleasant tingles through your whole system, no matter how desperately tried to contain this feeling...

...and little did you know that Stein felt just the same.

You gave it your best to avoid his intense gaze, willing to do anything to change the topic before he'd notice your nervosity - only then realizing that the clock showed five past 1pm. "We should go. Class has already started."

"In that case, how about we meet after work today?" he suggested, curiosity getting the better of him as he wondered if his theory might be correct after all. "To spar a little, I mean."

Your function at Death Academy was to lead some of the weapon exclusive classes, and others which focused way more on the practical usage of one's abilities than theoretical knowledge.

And many, many times you had asked Stein to accompany you for a demonstration, which he had always politely declined. In fact, until now he had completely avoided to use your weapon form at all.

So it was no wonder his offer made you a little suspecting.

"I thought there's no need for that, since you're such a great Meister and all?" Still jittery beyond belief, you shuffled away from the man to become clear-headed again.

"It could help us getting used to each other's fighting style, though." As if a goddamn genius like him only now noticed this.

There just had to be a superior motive to his idea, yet you couldn't put your finger on what it was.

"Y/N?" Stein waved a hand in front of your face at your lack of answer. "So, what do you say?"

"Okay, okay!" You threw your hands into the air, gaining a cheeky smirk of your partner. "Fine by me. 4pm at your laboratory?"

"Can't wait, my dear."

___

The last hours of school went by incredibly fast - that's probably what enjoying your job must be like...

...and now for the rather unpleasant part.

"I honestly have no idea what awaits me at a place someone like you calls 'home'" you teased as Stein escorted you to his laboratory.

"I always found uncertainty eery exciting, don't you?"That was a lie, and you knew it. As intrigued as he was by so many things, the constant ambiguity of his own self sure had to be exhausting, if not deeply frustrating.

You were correct of course, since right now Stein was concerned for your wellbeing - or rather the consequences if you'd find out to be Soulmates after all.

As much as it being true would be a blessing for himself, it would also be a curse for you on the other end.

Staying blissfully unaware would be better than a life-long sentence written in stone, right?

But hey, in the end the two of you had to find out eventually - even if the idea itself didn't even cross your oblivious mind yet.

"...why am I not surprised" you taunted as you saw the huge patchwork building at the horizon. "You live pretty far away from...everything, don't you think?"

"I like to have my peace and quiet while working" he shrugged it off, mutely adding "and like this no one can hear the screams."

Seems lonely, you thought.

"At least we can go all out here!" Feeling a rush of motivation and adrenaline flowing through you, you stretched a little before you grabbed his wrist. "Ready?"

"Ready when you are."

In an instant, you had transformed right into Stein's hands, feeling the massive power radiating off of him now flowing through you.

And that you were supposed to channel and amplify?!

"Don't worry, I can control the output" your partner reassured you, as if able to hear your thoughts. "Also, you're a Death Scythe - and a very competent one at that. With you I shouldn't need to hold back."

"Huh, how considerate. I'll go easy on you the first time as well!" you cheered, knowing that the burden of wielding a weapon as powerful as yourself had it's limits - even for someone like him.

And indeed, there was no need to get used to each other, for the instant connection between the two of you felt as natural as nothing you had ever before experienced.

"This is incredible! Don't you think so too, Y/N?" Stein was laughing almost manically as he manoeuvred your weapon with ease, leaving you a little uneasy. "Y-Yeah...but please don't overdo it, okay?"

"Soul resonance?" Both of you suggested in unison, and in a matter of seconds you were ready for the blow. It was amazing, what sheer power you were capable to synthesize together.

Something like this shouldn't even be possible, unless...

"Shit!" The shockwave of energy following your attack could most likely even be heared far away back in the city...

...and right there, at Death Academy, two spectators had witnessed your little performance as well.

The two of you were unable to see it with your own eyes, but anyone with soul perception could've seen the initials on your respective souls brightly lighting up.

"Master Death..." Spirit was left at loss for words by the sight they both observed through Death's mirror. "I've never seen a soul resonance like this."

"Yeah, a Death Scythe in combination with the strongest Meister is immensely powerful for itself, as you already know..." Death explained calmly as the scene unfolded in front of him, "But what dimensions would their potential reach if at the same time, they'd happen to be soulmates as well?"

"How most unfortunate...or not? It could be beneficial, yet also unpredictable..." Seems like not even Death had planned for this outcome, yet an overwhelmed Spirit still felt the need to defend his former partner for some reason. "We won't know how this ends until we see it with our own eyes."

"Either way, what an incredible twist of events. I'll need you to keep an eye on those two."

"Stein!" you exclaimed as he had fallen over due to the recoil, transforming yourself back. "Are you alright?!"

"Heh, worried for me I see?" he gave you that shameless grin again, to which you'd simply pout. "Can you be serious for once? We've almost wrecked your house."

"I think it went pretty decently for the first time" he evaluated contently, looking at all the havoc the two of you wreaked in his front lawn.

"Strange man, strange hobbies, strange views..." You sighed, offering him a hand and almost losing balance yourself as you pulled the tall man up.

"I could get used to this" Stein stated quite jubilant, dwelling in the afterwaves of your soul. Time sure ran fast when together, both of you realized as you saw the moon raise over a purple sky. "Should I accompany you home?"

"No, actually-" you stopped yourself halfway through the sentence, biting your lip as you realized how stupid the idea might sound...

...just to give in to this whim anyways. "I-I'm exhausted. Do you think I could stay the night?"

"Sure, suit yourself." This time it was you supportingly putting your arm around Stein, whose back hurt a little more than he was willing to admit. "But don't complain if you get dissected."

"As long as I wake up again, why not?" you snickered and your partner couldn't help but break out in laughter as well. Maybe it would be nice to have some company for a change - if it's you at least.

"No, seriously: I trust you with my life, Stein."

Already?

"Oh, I'm honored - but I don't think I deserve that praise yet" he dismissed the compliment, yet you wouldn't give in. "Then you better hurry up and prove yourself."

Impossible, he thought. Someone as naive as yourself can't possibly be his Soulmate...

...otherwise this story would have the complete opposite of a happy ending.

[much-obliged-timothy]

Whumptober #12

Day 12 - Mass Effect - Insomnia

*

The Citadel was never truly quiet, but it certainly slowed its pace at night.

Shepard walked slowly past all too familiar shops and apartments, mindlessly lapping the areas open to the public. He slowed as he neared the food joint where he and Kaidan had solidified their relationship, lingering there longer than he had anywhere else that night.

Kaidan. Kaidan had nearly died for this mission already. And it was only going to get more dangerous from here.

Shepard shook himself and got walking again. Kaidan was a soldier; he knew the risks and he took them willingly. Shepard would not dishonor him by babying him.

He thought of Ashley. She had been one of the earliest casualties of this whole mess, and she didn’t even know just how much her brave sacrifice truly meant. 

How many more would have to die? How many more friends would Shepard have to leave behind? 

Could he even be objective anymore as a leader? If he had to make the choice between Ashley and Kaidan today, would he be certain he’d made it logically instead of emotionally? He was certain he’d made the best, most logical call he could back then. But these days, he just wasn’t sure he was capable of that anymore. His crew had become his family. 

He could lose all of them.

And it could be his fault.

“Pretty late for a stroll, Shep.”

He jumped a little, cursing himself for letting his guard drop. Then he cursed himself more for even caring that Garrus had snuck up on him.

“Couldn’t sleep,” Shepard said as Garrus fell into pace next to him. “You?”

“Sleepless shore leave is no fun,” Garrus agreed. “Mind some company?”

“Be my guest,” Shepard said.

They walked in companionable silence for a while. Finally, Garrus broke it.

“What’s on your mind? And don’t bother bullshitting me. We could all be dead tomorrow, so might as well get it off your chest,” Garrus said. 

Shepard wrestled with himself for a moment, torn between finally being honest and keeping it inside to remain the stoic leader he needed to be. In the end, he couldn’t help himself. Garrus was his best friend; he wouldn’t judge Shepard.

“I can’t stop thinking of all the ways it could go wrong. All the ways it has,” he admitted.

“We knew what we signed up for. If we didn’t want to risk our lives, we probably shouldn’t have agreed to help you fight creatures called ‘Reapers’,” he said.

Shepard shook his head. “I just don’t know if I’m fit for it anymore, Garrus. I’ve rarely doubted my calls before. I’m starting to.”

“Don’t,” Garrus said firmly. “Your calls are the reason we’ve gotten this far.”

“I had us working for a terrorist organization.”

“Well, we all make mistakes.” He nudged Shepard playfully. “Shepard, if you hadn’t done that, imagine how many more colonies would’ve been attacked. You did what you had to do, whatever it took, and then turned yourself in after. You accepted the consequences because you knew you’d done the right thing. I was with you; I promise it was the best call in a bad situation.”

Shepard ran a hand over his head. “I can’t sleep anymore. I overthink all night. The stress of this whole thing has given me insomnia. As if I need more time to overthink.”

“Shepard, we’ll all follow you into hell. We know you’ll make the right calls. You always have before.” Garrus looked up at the darkened sky above them. “I’ve never met anyone so sure of himself. It’s not for nothing. You do what needs to be done and preserve what life you can along the way. You’re a good man, and a great leader. But don’t let that go to your head.”

Shepard nearly smiled at that. “Thanks, Garrus.”

They fell back into that companionable silence. The thought of ever losing Garrus was just one more stresser, though. Garrus had been his best friend for a long time, the two clicking as soon as they met. Garrus had always supported Shepard and believed in him. 

No. No, Shepard had to be confident. He would do the best he could and do whatever he could to get all of his friends out alive and take down the Reapers.

He just hoped he was good enough in the end.

[oraclekleo]

hello~ i'd like to request a relationship role reading!! thank you~

Hello!

It took me long but I have finally completed your request.

Please, take what resonates and dismiss the rest.

I'm always happy for your opinion or feedback.

Thank you for your request!

@kalxidxscopxc

Relationship Role

Deck: Tarot of the Divine

Friend - XX Judgement, 7 of Coins

Maybe you don’t have that many close friends, your circle is small but the more it means to you. You take your friendships seriously and it seems like you can only thrive when your friends are happy, too. You invest your time and energy into your friendships. You are observant and often can tell when one or more friends of yours feel unwell without them actually speaking up. It reminds me of a little witchy trick I read about, actually. Some people name their pot plants after people they love. When the plant starts to fade without any objective reason for it, they know it’s because the person is unwell. You either do something similar or your instinct is good enough to tell even without plants.

Girlfriend / Boyfriend - 4 of Cups, 8 of Wands

When it comes to dating, you might be torn between two extremes. Sometimes you believe there’s nothing like true love, you become bitter, sceptic and pessimistic. And sometimes you would love to just fall in love at first sight without looking left or right, just enjoy the rapid ride. None of these is actually healthy when it comes to romantic relationships. It can work when you’re young and your partner is too. However, if you seek for something more permanent, try to find a balance first.

Lover - 10 of Cups, Ace of Cups

You are a truly deeply loving person, your love can consume you, fill you up to the brim, it lifts you up from the ground. Sometimes you are more in love with being in love than with the actual person. You feel the love deeply, emotionally. I don’t know if you have experience with physical love, but if you do, you are likely a sensual and cheerful lover.

Wife / Husband / Spouse - Knight of Wands, VII The Chariot

Marriage might be challenging for you. You don’t like to be tied up by rules, you prefer to have your freedom. You have a youthful soul, you are not ready for the amount of responsibility that comes with marriage at the moment. You are not against the idea, you only want to have some fun before you commit to married life.

One-Night-Stand - 6 of Cups, 2 of Swords

I see you are not completely against the idea. It doesn’t repel you. However, you are not likely to experience a single night of passion with a complete stranger. If you ever have a one-night-stand, it’s likely to be with someone you know for long, maybe a childhood friend you bump into by accident. It’s not likely to destroy the friendship completely, although it might feel awkward in the morning.

[sunnyapollonjabrigidotter]

Understanding Emotions: Consider what aspects of the dream resonate most with you. Are there any current situations or decisions in your life where you feel similarly conflicted or where you need to make a choice between different values or interests?

___

Def when i feel conflicted between consuming sth like a cartoon or other show or scrolling on social media n the like (superficial) vs focusin on sth that would get me closer to my goals (deep, intelligent)

____

That makes a lot of sense. The dream can symbolize your internal struggle between engaging in immediate, superficial distractions and focusing on deeper, more meaningful activities that align with your goals. Here’s how to interpret and use this insight:

### **1. **Identify Your Goals:**

- **Clarify What Matters**: Reflect on what your deeper goals and aspirations are. Understanding your long-term objectives can help you prioritize activities that align with them.

### **2. **Evaluate Your Choices:**

- **Balance**: Consider how much time you spend on superficial activities versus more meaningful ones. Finding a balance can help you enjoy leisure without losing sight of your goals.

### **3. **Reflect on Values:**

- **Prioritize**: The dream highlights the importance of recognizing what truly matters to you. When faced with choices, ask yourself which option brings you closer to your core values and goals.

### **4. **Create a Plan:**

- **Structured Approach**: Develop a plan that allocates time for both leisure and productive activities. This can help you stay focused on your goals while also allowing for relaxation and enjoyment.

### **5. **Use the Insight:**

- **Mindful Choices**: Use the awareness from your dream to make more intentional decisions. When you find yourself torn between choices, remind yourself of the long-term benefits of focusing on your goals.

### **6. **Self-Compassion:**

- **Forgive Yourself**: If you find yourself spending more time on distractions than you’d like, be kind to yourself. Acknowledge the need for downtime and gradually work on balancing your activities.

Your dream seems to be reflecting a common internal conflict, and using this insight to make more conscious decisions can help you align your daily activities with your deeper values and aspirations.

...

The details of your dream—such as the setting and the nature of your interactions with each person—can offer additional insights into your feelings and internal conflicts. Here’s how to interpret these details:

### **1. **Staircase Symbolism:**

- **Progress and Growth**: Staircases often symbolize progress, challenges, and moving forward. Meeting the intelligent person near stairs might suggest that this relationship or interaction involves growth, learning, or striving towards something more meaningful.

### **2. **Bench Symbolism:**

- **Rest and Reflection**: Benches are typically associated with rest, contemplation, and casual interactions. Being with the other person near or on a bench might imply that this relationship or interaction is more relaxed or superficial, offering comfort but perhaps not necessarily contributing to growth or change.

### **3. **Context and Environment:**

- **Setting Reflection**: The settings where you encountered each person could symbolize how you perceive these relationships. The staircase might reflect aspirations or challenges, while the bench could represent ease or simplicity.

### **4. **Emotional and Practical Aspects:**

- **Intellectual vs. Casual**: The contrast between the staircase and the bench could mirror the difference between a more intellectually stimulating or emotionally meaningful connection and a more casual or immediate interaction.

### **5. **Interpersonal Dynamics:**

- **Interaction Dynamics**: How you felt and interacted in each setting can also provide clues. The stairs might suggest a more dynamic or evolving relationship, while the bench might indicate a more static or comfortable but less dynamic interaction.

### **6. **Personal Reflection:**

- **Assess Your Feelings**: Reflect on your feelings about these settings and interactions. What do they reveal about your desires and needs in relationships? Are you seeking growth and challenge, or are you more drawn to comfort and ease?

### **Conclusion:**

The specific details of your dream settings—stairs versus a bench—add layers to the interpretation. They highlight the different qualities you associate with each person or type of relationship, suggesting where you might be seeking growth versus where you find comfort. Use these insights to explore your preferences and priorities in real-life relationships.

...

But what if the dream speaks literally of two guys??

...

If the dream is literally about two people, it could suggest specific dynamics or feelings related to actual individuals in your life or potential future relationships. Here’s how to approach it:

### **1. **Consider Real-Life Parallels:**

- **Relationships**: Reflect on any current or potential relationships you have. The qualities of the two people in your dream might symbolize different aspects of these relationships.

### **2. **Analyze the Traits:**

- **Qualities**: Think about the characteristics of the two individuals in the dream. How do they relate to your real-life relationships or preferences? The intelligent person might represent deeper connections or shared values, while the superficial person could symbolize more immediate or less meaningful interactions.

### **3. **Reflect on Emotional Responses:**

- **Feelings**: Pay attention to how you felt about each person in the dream. Your emotional response might reveal insights into what you truly value in relationships.

### **4. **Evaluate Choices:**

- **Decision-Making**: If you’re facing a choice or conflict in your relationships, this dream could be highlighting the need to evaluate what is most important to you. Consider how each person or type of relationship aligns with your long-term desires and values.

### **5. **Communicate and Clarify:**

- **Open Dialogue**: If the dream involves real people, consider having open and honest conversations with them about your feelings and expectations. This can help clear up any confusion and align your relationships with your goals.

### **6. **Self-Reflection:**

- **Internal Conflict**: The dream might also be reflecting an internal struggle rather than a literal choice between two people. Reflect on how the dream’s dynamics mirror your feelings about relationships and personal goals.

### **Conclusion:**

Whether the dream is about literal individuals or symbolic representations of different aspects of your life, it provides an opportunity to reflect on your values, choices, and emotional responses. Use this insight to guide your decisions and actions in both relationships and personal growth.

[yourcoolfriendwithallthecandy]

Why So Jaded Chapter 7

FFN, AO3

Chapter 7

Violet woke up actually feeling happy as the imagery of her dream washed over her conscious memory which brought a small smile to her face. But then she heard a groan from Phillip and her smile vanished as she felt anger and rage start to build once again.

She got out of bed and went over to Phillip to see him stirring awake before she took the monitor off of him and put it back where it belonged before she came back and sat on the bed next to him as he went through is process of regaining consciousness before she called for room service for breakfast for herself and her team and knew that dealing with Phillip this morning would be especially bad as she weighed whether or not to wage war with him now or later as she decided that later would probably be best, when he wouldn’t be suffering through withdrawals again because Phillip had quite the history with cocaine especially and it had taken him getting clean as one of her terms for accepting to work for him. Because the chances of him relapsing had been so low and now they were especially high.

27 minutes.

He had done this in 27 minutes. After a year of keeping clean and all those promises of staying that way. All gone. In 27 minutes. That were sadly, the best 27 minutes of this whole trip for her. But it taught her to never let her guard down. And to not trust Phillip as far as she could kick him as she once again, made up her mind that she was never going to enjoy a romantic relationship with him. Never ever. And it was because of this shit right here.

Then Phillip cracked an eye open to see her sitting up in bed, her face was twisted into one of angry disgust but determination as his own memory of last night’s events before his all too brief high came back to him and he exhaled loudly with a wince before Violet turned and considered him.

“Good morning Mr. Sebastian.” Violet greeted coldly with a look that would freeze lava.  

“Ok, on a scale of 1 being a funny haha ‘we’re gonna look back on this and laugh’ and ten being you’re gonna kill me and collect my inheritance, where are we?” Phillip asked with a grimace as he woke up. 

“Oh a solid 8.5.” Violet answered.

“Fuck.” Phillip grunted before he sat up in bed and rested his back on the headboard next to her.

“Did you order breakfast yet? Can I at least get some coffee before you hand me my ass?” Phillip asked.

“I’m not going to hand you your ass Mr. Sebastian. It’s not my place as your handler to do such things. Now when you fully wake up and recover, I will recount last night’s events to you and explain to you exactly all the ways they crossed all the lines of propriety and decorum and then I’m going to absolutely insist that- that stunt you pulled last night was your big test. That Mr. Pine passed with flying colors and any further “testing” by you will result in my immediate termination of employment.” Violet answered.

“No. Please Violet. No. I’m sorry. Ok? I’m sorry, it was just a bad cheap joke. I will take whatever you want to throw at me if it’ll mean you don’t go back to pure asset and handler again. It can’t be that bad. Please. I will get down on my hands and knees and beg if I have to.” Phillip pleaded.

“No such measures will be taken. They are not acceptable terms.” Violet insisted before she heard the knock at the door and went and got it and brought in the breakfast cart and brought it over.

“What would you like for breakfast Mr. Sebastian?” Violet asked.

“Nooo...come on Violet. Just...come on, hit me with all of it, take it out on me. Look I admit, this was on me. I’m sorry. I know I broke my promise to you and I will make it up to you.” Phillip pleaded.

“No, last night was on me. I take full responsibility for the incident. Technically I should fire myself for the lapse in judgement. I’m just happy I won enough last night in the casino to pay for it in cash so I didn’t have to have any other evidence of last night, other than my memory and the cocaine in your body.” Violet answered as she dutifully fixed him a plate and handed it to him on a tray in his lap.

“So, what I need from you is confirmation that no other tests will be administered on Mr. Pine and that you will honor my agreement as set forth in the recording.” Violet offered.

“Of course. But Violet please, please tell me how to make this right.” Phillip begged.

“Mr. Sebastian, words can not fully describe the mortification I felt at seeing my own knock off image in the form of a prostitute and then to have said prostitute offered up to Mr. Pine on a silver platter, it was pure entrapment and you know it. But if that wasn’t enough, I also had to see the same thing in the form of my most cherished mentor. That completely humiliated me in addition to Mr. Pine. But for now, let’s leave him out of it. Let’s keep this with me. I wasn’t by your side for a whole 27 minutes. I had just enough time to go to the bar on the roof and get a drink and then I had to come right back down. I had Veronica inject you with Narcan. I had to scrub not only the room and you but I had to scrub the last 24 hours from two prostitutes to bury the evidence. Thankfully Patrice and Julie are trusted and vetted and were happy to just get paid off. They had to tie you to the bed to keep you from taking your own life again because you were convinced you were a Super yourself and could fly. You tried jumping off the balcony and those two “gifts” that you got Mr. Pine, tried to help you do it too. They also had to be forcibly restrained while getting scrubbed. Your stunt to catch Mr. Pine in a compromising situation, ended up compromising me and it blew up in my face and it illustrated beyond the shadow of a doubt that I have become way too lax in my job because you were in so much danger. And I broke my own promise to protect you and keep you out of harm’s way. And for that I’m sorry.” Violet specified, trying to keep her rage in check but her sadness was so palpable that Phillip felt remorse that it effectively backfired in spectacular fashion before she sat down in a nearby chair and got her own breakfast before Phillip’s security came and got the rest and took it out into the rest of the suite so Violet and Phillip could keep their privacy.

“So now I want to know why you did it. What were your reasons for it?” Violet pressed.

“I just...I wanted you to lose respect for him. I thought he would jump at the chance to relieve any frustrations he may have been having and if I can get him to relapse, he would be breaking his own contract trying to get drugs into SEB. And I wanted to see if he still harbored feelings for Natalia or had developed any for you.” Phillip confessed.

“Well, it backfired, spectacularly. Because the only one who lost respect is you- from me. Second, you’re the one who ended up relapsing. And you’re the one who broke your own contract with me about remaining clean, which technically, means I can now walk away from you and it turns our contract null and void and we are in Vegas at a tech expo, I could, in theory go to any number of your competitors and get the same job I have for them and there would be nothing you could do about it. And if anything this proved you wrong in every aspect you were trying to test. Because Mr. Pine reacted flawlessly. He stopped, he relied on his own security team which they are all thanking their lucky stars that they weren’t involved and he politely but firmly refused the gift and I should have sent that gift packing and been done with it. But instead, I was feeling spiteful because you were sulking and pouting like a toddler for whatever reasons you have for doing so- which pissed me off but it’s my job as your handler to coddle you and cater to you despite however I feel about it. And I let my own personal feelings cloud my judgement which was a very stupid and frankly rookie mistake. And you know me, I rarely let myself repeat the same mistake twice so this mistake will never be repeated.” Violet insisted firmly. 

“So, how you can make up for this- is you are going to honor our agreement we made just as we were leaving, and agree that the stunt last night was your big perfect test for him and admit that he passed and then you are never going to test him again because guess what, I got him to admit it to my face that he looks at me as Mirage 2.0 which means that Objective Natalia has been a success and you’re going to approve weekly outings for him. And then what you’re going to do to make it up to me- is you are going to take the noncompete out of my contract and then you’re going to have to earn my trust and respect back piece by piece and inch by inch to get us back to where we were before this fiasco because while I want to write this off as a dirty trick gone wrong. My hurt and my mortification sting way too badly right now and my own ability to trust you took a big hit because I couldn’t trust you to honor your promise to me to never do drugs again because all it took was 27 minutes. In 27 minutes you have undone a year’s worth of trust building Phillip and I don’t know how long it will take you to earn it back because you know I'm a once bitten twice shy kind of person and I sincerely doubt it was worth it because the Narcan should have reversed it into your system. And my guard is back up and it’s going to take a lot from you to get it to come back down for you.” Violet decided, calmly but firmly and the more she talked, the more her anger dissipated but she still knew that Phillip was using his powers to ease the anger and the rage to push her to forgive him, and for that, her own resentment towards him just grew because the more he used his “secret” powers and the longer it took for him to admit it. The more she distrusted him as Violet and it just pushed her to stay in “Invisigirl” mode with him.

“That’s fair, I’m so sorry Violet. I never considered how this could backfire and I never would have done it if I thought, much less knew this would come back to you in any way. And I’m sorry and again, this is on me, I take full responsibility for this and please don’t let this become the thing that breaks us and losing your trust and your respect is worse than breaking any contract and if there’s anything else I can do to make it up to you, just say the word.” Phillip apologized. Which Violet appreciated.

“God damn it.” Violet huffed as she got up went over to the bed and got settled in next to him and figured she could give him an out to confess to more.

“Why is it almost impossible for me to stay mad at you?” Violet questioned which got Phillip to smile in relief.

“I don’t know, but I’m grateful for whatever it is.” Phillip assured her as he carefully wrapped his arm around her shoulders but grinned when she snuggled into his side as Violet could only feel disappointment that even though he didn’t have anything else to lose, he still wouldn’t admit the truth.

“So what’s the number now?” Phillip bravely inquired.

“A five.” Violet honestly answered.

“Ok, well let me know what I can do to lesson it to a one or two.”  Phillip answered.

“Will do Phillip.” Violet answered which got him to grin because she was calling him by his name again.

Violet didn’t have to wait for long. Because once they got dressed and ready for the day and met back up at the Expo, Buddy called out to her.

“Ms. Parr?” Buddy called when she passed him as he walked away from his friends to talk with her one on one.

“Yes Mr. Pine?” Violet asked.

“Hey so my friends would really like to come and pay me a social visit at SEB, is there any way we could try to work something out?” Buddy asked hopefully, even though he had prepared himself for her to say no but Violet just smiled happily.

“Of course Mr. Pine, I’ll handle it personally, granted there will be some protocols that would need to be followed by you and your guests but yes, that can be arranged, simply give me the times and dates according to your knowledge and I’ll arrange it.” Violet answered.

“Really? Why?” Buddy asked before Violet stepped closer.

“To help you forget that the incident last night never occurred and if it would help everyone save face.” Violet answered. “You haven’t said anything to anyone about it have you?” Violet asked worriedly.

“Oh God no. No. No. Never, I’ll happily take that to my grave.” Buddy eagerly assured her.

“Then we have a deal.” Violet offered her hand for him to shake before he took and shook it firmly.

“See you at the announcement Mr. Pine.” Violet offered sweetly before she excused herself and went back to Phillip’s side.

“I found a way to make the situation last night right and a way that everyone can save face.” Violet murmured quietly to Phillip.

“I’m all ears.” Phillip eagerly answered.

“In exchange for Mr. Pine to completely forget about the incident last night and take what could possibly remain to his grave, which was my condition for his request after hearing it because Mr. Pine would never blackmail you because blackmailing you means blackmailing me and he could never bring himself to do that because of 2.0, but if we fulfill this request- we’re back where we were before we left to come here.” Violet began.

“What’s the request?” Phillip asked.

“Mr. Pine would like his friends to come and visit him socially, I warned him that there would be protocols that they would all have to adhere to, like no discussing business or revealing any confidential, proprietary information or property or projects, that kind of thing. And that they would have to be vetted and submit to safety measures.” Violet dictated.

“And that would bring my five to a one. If you’d agree to it.” Violet added as extra incentive.

“Done deal.” Phillip happily agreed, grateful it wasn’t any more worse than it was and if that’s all it would take to get them back to where they were before they left, he’d happily agree.

“And if it would take that one to a zero, I’d be willing to make it a regular thing.” Phillip offered. “Deal and done Phillip.” Violet cooed before Phillip snuck a quick kiss to her temple which got her to blush and smile bashfully and crinkle her nose at him for the PDA since they were surrounded by people but Phillip just beamed a cheesy smile of his own.

The announcement of the collaboration was received well and true to Violet’s predictions and intentions it garnered a lot of positive press for both of them.

“Mr. Sebastian, care to comment about the recent photos that came out showing you in a private moment in the hotel’s swimming pool with a close colleague, is there a romance blossoming between you? Is this the rumored girlfriend that we have seen by your side repeatedly for the last year?” A reporter asked before Violet did a quick search as she stood behind the scenes and found the pictures in a tabloid and sent them to Phillip’s own tablet in front of him that had all the press release announcements and talking points on it.

“No. As always, my personal life is personal and no business of yours or anyone else and I will not be taking any more questions on the topic.” Phillip said simply as Buddy looked up the pictures on his own tablet quickly and found them.

“Mr. Pine? Do you have any comment on…?”

“No I do not. And I would also appreciate it if this conference could get back on track.” Buddy insisted before he steered the conversation back to the technology and why they were there which Violet was grateful for.  

Once the expo was over and they had gotten back, he was grateful Violet stayed and helped him settle back in.

“How often does that happen?” Buddy asked.

“How often does what happen?” Violet asked as she hung up his suits in his walk in closet for him.

“How often does your relationship with Phillip get questioned by the media?” Buddy specified.

“Every single time he speaks to the press.” Violet answered.

“Doesn’t Phillip care that every time the media gets your picture and knows your name because you are working for him under your name and not a pseudonym that- that puts you at risk of being found out?” Buddy questioned, feeling a surge of protectiveness.

“It was part of the contract that I work for him under my own name. Because he wanted to make sure that he was getting the real deal and the genuine article and "all of me" and 100% transparency and if anything ever happened to him, that I wouldn’t have any confusion trying collect payments as someone other than myself and my family because I’m actually in his will. Which works out, because it does make things a whole lot more simpler in real life instead of having to answer by a different name and identity. All I have to watch out for is not using my powers in front of people who don’t already know the truth but among Phillip’s closest friends, they all know who I am and who I really am and they know that I’m his own private personal Super who's on constant retainer and if they cross him, they deal with me which is all the deterrent I need to be for most of them and I’m not the only one in my position. More and more of the rich and famous have learned that they can just rent or buy their own Super, either on their own, which makes finding them in the first place difficult. Or they just go to the source- aka The Agency and get one from there because more and more The Agency has turned into "Rent-A-Center for Supers". And as long as Invisigirl isn’t caught with Phillip in any compromising situations, because all Invisigirl is- is a ghost anymore, and all anyone has ever seen of me as her is when I was a teenager in my old suit and not in my current super suit or any other super suit I've had since then, and I've had a lot of them. How you recognized me in my new suit, was a surprise, but one that I appreciate that you keep to yourself and don’t breathe a word to anyone, which is a protection in of itself. Most people just think I’m some other Super when and if they ever see me as her anymore, like Black Widow or Shadow or DejaVu or Mirror or any number of them, but those are usually the most popular.  So, yes it’s a risk, but it’s also a hassle I don’t have to add to my already full plate. Besides, in two years, it won’t matter. And every rumor that springs up, only keeps Phillip in the spotlight that much longer, which is something I think he would die if he had to go without.” Violet appraised as she just continued to put his things away, neatly and orderly as Buddy just helped her, handing her his things and watching in awed adoration how wonderful it was to see her be so down to earth and domestic, being barefoot in his closet since her heels had been kicked off by the door and had him hoping and praying that while they were both at SEB that that wasn’t the only time he would ever enjoy this as the emerald necklace he had managed to get for her practically burned a hole in his pocket.

Nelson had gotten it for him because out of all the people that were on Buddy’s team, Buddy and Nelson got along the most and Nelson was secretly shipping his boss with Buddy because he had noticed the marked change in Violet whenever she was on “Buddy duty” and he liked how nice and sweet she was whenever she got to spend time with Buddy and it was Nelson who secretly suggested to Buddy to get her an emerald necklace after what had happened at the black jack table and Buddy had simply given Nelson the vast majority of his winnings to buy what Nelson would think she would like since Nelson knew Violet better than Buddy did and what Nelson had come back with- made Buddy so happy. It was on the small side, so it wasn’t gaudy or too flashy for Violet’s tastes, something she could wear everyday and feel special in without drawing too much attention by anyone but the very observant.  

“Actually, with how little I get to see my parents now, even though we all live right here in Metroville and they only live across town, they usually use the tabloids to figure out where I am and what I’m up to.” Violet confessed as she was done and knew that if she spent any more time in Buddy’s closet, she was going to reorganize it to keep her hands busy so her mouth could run and she needed to stop talking before she let out any more secrets or possibly tell on herself even more and risk ruining the friendship she was enjoying with Buddy by wanting something more from him. 

“You really are just an emerald, in too tight of a setting huh?” Buddy asked.

“Yeah, part of me wants to buy a loose emerald and keep it in my pocket and I can just pull it out and threaten to drop it to illustrate how close he is to destroying the one thing he “claims” is most important to him. But he just doesn’t...he doesn’t care enough to loosen the setting or back off enough to just give me breathing room. Where I don’t have to constantly filter everything I say or do because there’s always eyes and ears wherever I go.” Violet answered as she took up leaning against the opposite side of the door frame from his bedroom to his closet as once again, their body language mirrored each other.

“Is it worth it though?” Buddy asked.

“It has to be doesn’t it?” Violet returned but she didn't sound convinced.

“I don’t think it is. You shouldn’t put a price, even as one as high as the one you’ve named, on your sanity or integrity, because if you break, the world will lose one of the greatest gems it has and we’ll all be helpless in mourning it’s loss and if you ever find yourself teetering on the precipice, shatter this before you let yourself be shattered.” Buddy offered before he handed her the box which got Violet to frown in confusion at it before she took it and considered it thoughtfully.

Violet opened it and fought not to cry. It was such a small, simple but elegant and beautifully crafted necklace that was Edwardian in design. It was perfect. And the meaning behind it made it even that much more precious.

“Thank you Buddy.” Violet thanked him as she easily enveloped him in a tight hug that Buddy was all too happy to return and they just spent a blissfully long moment hugging each other and clinging to each other and Buddy didn’t let go until Violet did.

“Thank you, I needed the reminder. And the hug.” Violet confessed as she tried to blink away the glassiness in her eyes and it was Buddy who gave her a small, sad smile. Saying so much without needing to say anything and for that she was eternally grateful and Violet looked at him and realized that if she stayed another minute, she was liable to show him and tell him everything and she couldn’t let herself be that vulnerable, not yet anyway, and not when there were so many eyes and ears watching and listening.

“I should go, I have myself to unpack. Let me know when your friends want to come, and I’ll do what I can to make them feel welcome.” Violet offered before she excused herself from his bedroom.

“Good night Buddy, get some rest, you’ve earned it.” Violet offered over her shoulder as she did as Buddy followed her out.

“You too Violet.” Buddy mirrored. Damning himself for not being brave enough to say more.

Violet went straight to her car and drove home, the small box tightly in her fist as she wondered how he had managed to get this. Because Veronica hadn’t said anything about this, nothing about visiting a jewelry store or even a pawn shop when she had sent in her report on the flight home as part of her debriefing. She wondered if perhaps one of Buddy’s security detail had done this as she mentally tried to figure out who it was before the memory of Violet getting flustered by staring at Buddy chest and arms came to mind and how Nelson had reacted to her reaction.

Good on Nelson.

Once Violet got home she went and got into her spy gear and put the box into a compartment.

“Scan and report.” Violet demanded as she sat and waited for the box and it’s contents to be scanned and prayed that it wouldn’t find anything bad, like some malware or any kind of tracker that she couldn't detect herself and anxiously waited as she put her other things away before the device chirped at her and she smiled in relief when the only objects of the jewelry box, was a necklace, made out of diamonds, emeralds and platinum inside a cardboard and velvet box. That was it. Then she took it out and happily put it on herself and looked in the mirror and couldn’t stop smiling. She could wear this every day and be perfectly happy and feel special. It was such a small but powerful thing.

Meanwhile Phillip had watched the feed and frowned before he realized he needed to one up this gesture before he called the best jewelry store in town and had them open back up just for him so he could get the perfect set of emerald jewelry for Violet and then once he had made his purchase he then went back to SEB to get it “finished”.    

Monday morning Violet put together her most flattering green outfit to match her new necklace and even did her hair in luscious curls again and did her makeup extra beautifully and practically strut into work.

“Good morning Phillip, hope you slept well, what do we have for Mr. Pine this morning?” Violet asked as she came into his office.

“Uh, nothing new, hey I got you something,” Phillip said as he presented her with a hard leather jewelry set case before Violet paused and looked at it and looked at him before her shoulders dropped and fixed him with a look.

“Really? You just up and decided to get me jewelry? Out of the blue?” Violet questioned wearily.

“Well, no not out of the blue. Look, what the psychic said struck a chord with me and I knew I couldn’t get you anything while we were out in Vegas because I wanted it to be a surprise so I waited until we came back and got it for you last night, it’s my way of making up for what I did to you over the weekend.”

“Phillip, jewelry is not gonna fix…oh my God!” Violet exclaimed when he opened it and Violet’s jaw and heart both dropped as she set both hands on his desk on either side of it and stared in disbelief at it. It couldn’t be real. Before she started to touch it but her own sensitive senses were telling her this was crawling with "bugs" and she subconsciously pulled her hand back.

“Oh I beg to differ.” Phillip smugly countered.

“And you’re already wearing the perfect outfit.” Phillip cooed as he came around to take the other necklace off but Violet side stepped him and out of reach.

“Phillip? How much did you spend on this?” Violet asked.

“It doesn’t matter, as long as you love it, that’s all that matters.” Phillip insisted.

“Yeah, no. Phillip, is this real?” Violet pressed.

“Yeah it’s a real necklace and bracelet and ring and earrings and everything.” Phillip confirmed.

“No, like, genuine, this isn’t costume jewelry or…” Violet began.

“Oh no, it’s the genuine article.” Phillip assured her before he pulled out the jewels from the case and showed her the providence letter under them in the case and Violet gasped when she saw the price and saw that it was down in writing that it belonged to her.  

“Phillip, no, no I can’t accept this.” Violet tried to argue.

“But I thought you liked it?” Phillip questioned.

“No, I do, I love it, it’s beautiful, it is single handedly the most amazing jewelry I’ve ever seen in my life and I’m so profoundly flattered and honored but Phil, I need like six bodyguards if I’m going to wear it in public, this is- 'wear this with a gown on the red carpet or attend a gala' kind of necklace and otherwise keep it locked up in a safe to keep it from being stolen kind of necklace. It’s too much, I’m overwhelmed.” Violet tried to explain as she felt panic grip her chest and her stomach churn.

“No, no, Sweetheart, no, don’t be overwhelmed. You are the most precious, most amazing jewel in the universe and I wanted to make sure you knew that and I wanted to make sure you felt it in every fiber of your being. You’re practically a goddess, and this is my offering of worship.” Phillip cooed as he came around and hugged her from behind and Violet felt his powers push her anxiety down and pumped euphoria into her and she couldn’t help it she wracked a sob which alarmed Phillip who came around and hugged her from the front as he did all he could to calm her down and soothe her.

“I’m sorry it’s overwhelming. I'm not trying to force you to take it. If it’s too much too fast, and I’m coming on too strong just tell me.” Phillip realized.

“Phillip, it’s too much too fast and you’re coming on too strong. I’m flattered and honored, I really am but come on. I know you’re just making the biggest, and probably the most romantic gesture you can but you know how practical I am and you already know if it's romantic- that that puts us into too dangerous of territory. Take it back, get your money back. And if you still want to get me something emerald or whatever and something nice. Take what I’m currently wearing as your cue of the size and grandeur that I’m comfortable with. Something smaller, a bit more discrete. Something that I will feel comfortable wearing on special occasions or even every day or just on the days I want to feel extra special. OK? Can we compromise on this? Please? Or you can start off small and work your way up, like a good anal plug set.” Violet tried to tease through the last of her tears which got Phillip to chuckle.

“Ok, I got you. Loud and clear, let me go and try again.” Phillip offered.    

“Thank you, but before you go, let me at least get a picture of it, like a keepsake.” Violet offered before she got a picture of it.

“Ok, now I gotta go back to my office and straighten up and Mr. Pine is probably wondering how late I slept in this morning.” Violet urged as she gave him a sweet kiss then took her tablet and went to her office and got her emergency makeup set out and went to her private bathroom and got straightened up.

“What the fuck are you doing Violet, you should have taken the jewels. Should have taken them and graciously accepted them. They were perfect and gorgeous and amazing, but no- your humility and self worth issues strike again to ruin all your good things.”  Violet muttered to herself as she got her things and went down to Buddy’s floor.

“Good morning Mr. Pine, I apologize for the delay, Mr. Sebastian had an unexpected...uh...development.” Violet tried to excuse herself.

“Everything ok?” Buddy asked as he looked her over carefully because he could sense something was seriously wrong and off.

“Have you been crying?” Buddy breathed in a whisper and Violet could only nod as tears came flooding back to her eyes as the panic came back with a vengeance because Phillip's powers weren't there to suppress it.

“Excuse me, I need to use your restroom.” She excused herself as she dumped her things on his counter and quickly ran as fast as her pencil skirt would allow and went into his lab’s bathroom where she knew there was no cameras or listening devices and broke down again, sitting on the toilet seat cover and just wracked sob after sob as Buddy could only pace outside the bathroom because to see her upset was upsetting him and hearing her cry was torturing him worse than anything.

“Violet, please, please let me in, can you tell me what’s wrong?” Buddy pleaded through the door as he pressed his forehead to the door.

“It’s open.” Violet managed to say before Buddy slipped in and saw her sitting on the toilet, her makeup a mess and shaking and he was on his knees in front of her in an instant and curling as much of himself around her in a subconscious effort to protect her and shield her and comfort her as his hands ran down from her arms to her hands before she held onto both of his hands with both of hers so, so tight.

“Violet, what happened?” Buddy pressed, getting choked up and emotional himself as he started crying watching her cry because this was hurting him way worse than that jet turbine ever could.  

“I can’t take much more of this.” Violet confessed before she, out of habit, put up a forcefield around them because if she didn’t tell him, tell someone safe, since he was the only safe person she had left, she was going to die.

“You gave me this beautiful, amazing, sentimental gift which I love and appreciate so much and I’m so flattered and honored that you would go through so much trouble that even when you’re locked up in here and there’s so many layers of security between you and the outside world and you go through all that trouble of smuggling it in here just to get it to me. And it means so much to me. And Phillip had the audacity to try and one up it, and he did so in about 12 hours. I came into work early, I tried to color coordinate with the necklace because I wanted you to see me in it and see that I appreciated it. And what did he do? He gifted me a 35 million dollar emerald jewelry set. The only thing this didn’t have was a fucking tiara, it had this huge gaudy necklace that would break my collar bones if I tried to put it on with emeralds as big as my eyeballs and diamonds even bigger than that and earrings that would pull my ears off my head and a ring that I would drown me if I tried to go swimming wearing it and a bracelet that would yank my arm out of my shoulder socket. And it was too much. It was so overwhelming and when I tried to refuse, he used his powers to push me to accept it and force euphoria into my head and push my feelings of discomfort out with it and he went on and on about how 'I’m this amazing jewel of the universe and how I’m a goddess and it was a gift of worship' and it was too much. He’s never forced his powers on me that strongly before and I panicked. And it took so much begging and pleading just for him to see that I would never feel comfortable ever wearing it without a full security detail of my own- for him to back off. And I just said everything and anything I could to get myself out of there and thank God I could come and see you. Part of me wants to move in here with you and only want to see Phillip twice a day or twice a year or twice a decade for that matter instead of the other way around. And now he’s on his way back to the jewelry store to get me something smaller.” Violet professed between hard, wracking sobs. 

“And the worst part is, is because of my powers that I'm so incredibly sensitive to technology and anything and everything that runs on electricity or any kind of current and signals, even the human body or animals, I'm even sensitive to electromagnetism, I can tell when there’s cameras and listening devices especially. And that jewelry was practically crawling with them, and it feels like it's spiders, creepy crawly spiders, just crawling and infested with spiders and it made my skin crawl, they were embedded under every single big jewel into its socket so that whenever I wore it, wore all of it or just a piece of any of it- it would be just another tracking device, another way to keep me under the microscope.” Violet bawled. 

“And I hate it and I hate how it’s like he plays dumb. It’s like he has no idea that I know. And I can’t confront him. I could and would lose my job and my head because every other Super who’s had this job, it was all the surveillance and counter-surveillance that pushed them to quit because they couldn’t take it. That’s the setting that’s too tight. Knowing that every single moment of every single day I'm being watched and recorded and anything and everything I say or do can and will be used against me, like I'm constantly under a superpowered microscope and constantly scrutinized and judged and it's like it's suffocating me and smothering me and I can't breathe. And if Phillip actually, honestly cared about me and loved me as much as he claims, wouldn’t he be honest about all of it? Wouldn’t he back off? Wouldn’t he admit to me and go ‘hey, I’m actually a Super like you and these are my powers’ and I have given him countless opportunities to come clean, to tell me, make him feel like he has nothing to lose and everything to gain by telling me and if he were to actually ask me if I want them used on me instead of being forced onto me. It would make all the difference in the world. Especially since they’re mind control and feeling control, it’s so invasive and it undoes me from the inside out.” Violet shuddered as Buddy felt like his heart just got ripped out of his chest and put back into a blender.

“He would, if he really wanted to love you, he would.” Buddy confirmed.

“And the sad part is, sometimes I like it, and am so grateful for it, like when I’m having panic attacks and breakdowns like I’m having right now, it’s nice to get extra help to calm down or when we’re having sex and he’s closer than I am but he want’s to be gentleman so he pushes me and gets in my head and gives me that extra push to get me to the finish line. But when it’s against my will and against my own genuine feelings, it's different. When I’m mad at him for fucking up or pissing me off by playing head games, he forces me to get over it and forgive him and get over it or he uses my strong emotions and flips them like a light switch so one minute I’m so mad at him I want to push him off this building and he flips it in a snap and suddenly I’m having the hottest sex of my life fucking his brains into oblivion while he does the same for me, like break up sex and makeup sex all rolled into one. And it feels awesome in the moment, like I’m having sex with God, like I’m perfectly high and relaxed and so into it and so far into the zone, it’s a different time zone, not even the same continent and it’s just pure bliss and then I get far enough away from him where his powers can’t reach me, then my real feelings come back and they come back with a vengeance and it's even worse after than it was before and I regret all of it and I feel sick and dirty and no better than a prostitute only it's not just my body that's being bought, it's my mind and soul too. And when he does drugs, it amplifies it and make it almost impossible to resist, even as a super and normal humans don't stand a chance. That’s why I had to scrub those hookers in Vegas, because they gave him coke and MDMA and he was so strong, one of them was practically a mindless drone. It’s why him doing drugs is one of my deal breakers because even I and the strongest Supers I know can’t resist him when he’s on them. No one can.” Violet choked out.

“Because he’s…!” Buddy began, before he growled dangerously because he wanted to scream but he couldn’t freak her out or scare her any more than she already was.

“Violet, he is raping you! Every time he pushes it and you don’t want it- that’s literally the definition of rape Violet. It doesn’t matter how awesome the sex is, if it’s unwanted, it’s rape. Period. It’s not sex any more because if he didn’t have his powers, you’d be able to resist him and kick his ass so hard, you’d break his fucking pelvis in. Like this is Jessica Jones and Purple Man level of fucked up shit.” Buddy pointed out doing his best to keep his voice down, even as hard as it was not to holler and scream all this at the top of his lungs.

“I know. But there’s nothing else I can do. And after, I just throw up, I throw up so much because I’m so sick of myself and that’s the only way I can look this good and still eat the way I do which is just one step away from an eating disorder. And I hate myself so much for it. And then when he gets me lavish gifts it’s like he’s buying me and buying my forgiveness with stuff, it’s expensive stuff but it just makes me feel so cheap. And no matter how much I try to explain it away and reason it away, it’s like dealing with an alcoholic, until they admit that they have a problem, they’re never going to see it. And I’ve been doing everything in my power to save all of this for my last day of work two years from now and hand him his ass in all the ways I want to and have been fantasizing about. And it’s like he’s trying so hard to turn me into a gold digging, materialistic, manipulative, dominatrix queen, and I hate it. Not to knock BDSM, there’s nothing wrong with it when it’s done safely, consensually and willingly by everyone involved but it’s just not for Violet. Invisigirl can do it all, no problem but Violet is very vanilla. But he’s my asset and I have to coddle and cater to him and do whatever it takes to get the job done, those are my unquestioning and unwavering orders. And I can’t find a replacement to save my life. Literally. And I’m stuck. I’m stuck in a setting that’s too tight and it's trying to carve itself into me, chipping away at me until I fit right.” Violet confided between hard sobs and Buddy never saw more red in his life. He wanted nothing more than to destroy Phillip. He wanted to blow up this building. He wanted Phillip’s head on a platter and then flambéed.

And all Buddy could do was cry while holding onto her hands as he knelt in front of her and tried to protectively curl his body around hers as much as he could and he felt so...helpless. He hated it.

“Violet you have to get away from this. You have to get out. Fuck contracts, fuck the money, you can have every red cent I have. I will find a way to get you wherever you want or need to go. You need to save yourself. Stop trying to save everyone, especially me when it’s you who needs the most saving. Alright, look, I’ll come clean. Cause keeping this from you has been killing me, and I’m so sorry but I’ve been having secret correspondence through my shipping labels sending coded messages to IRize and Zone and all my other companies because I’ve been trying to get all your medical data out of here and safe so that even if Phillip were to try to hold your meds over you to keep you with him, you would have another source, a safe and secure one and one that wouldn’t come with terms and conditions or strings of any kind. And the reason I was so nervous before I left was because my companies all offered to spring me free while we were in Vegas and I told them repeatedly not to, not until I could get you and your meds and everything pertaining to you- safe and secured. And I know I lied to you on Friday and I felt awful and I was so relieved when it was just the hookers at the room because I genuinely thought I would get to my room and find my own guys there to overtake the security and get me away. But I couldn’t do that to you because your trust and your friendship and these precious two months being with you mean more to me than my own freedom. I will stay here as long as I need to, I’ll stay here five, ten, twenty years if I have to and I’ll kiss the outside world goodbye if it means you can walk away free and live in it and heal from all the hurt that prick has done to you. Get out of here Violet. Go. If I can survive a jet turbine, I can survive anything and everything Phillip wants to throw at me, powers be damned.” Buddy confessed as he squeezed her hands so tight as his tears streamed down his face as Violet just stared in shock at him.

“Break the necklace Violet, break the necklace and throw it in his face, come clean and tell him that you know everything, expose him for what he really is, bring hell to his doorstep, give him the bird right before you vanish so he never can find you again. And I will do everything I can to dismantle his empire brick by brick if I have to if it means that you never have to deal with him ever again. He is abusing you. He’s beating you without ever having to throw a punch and that is the worst kind of abuse there is. Violet please. I can’t take this, it’s a miracle you’re still alive and sane. Violet you are cracking. How many more hits will it be before you shatter?” Buddy pleaded desperately.

"I don't know." Violet confessed as she cried a new wave of tears.

“Look, I’m good at fixing things but even this is beyond me. I will be whatever you need or want me to be. Just tell me what to do and I’ll do it. I’ll do anything and everything if it means you’ll be ok. Please, Violet, please, please, please.” Buddy begged before he brought her hands up to his lips and kissed her knuckles, squeezing his eyes so tight and Violet was so moved because it was Buddy who genuinely cared for her. Even when he had so much to lose, he’d give what little he did have up for her and if he was exposing himself like this. He was being as honest and as transparent as he could be and Violet couldn’t be more grateful or more moved. Now that she knew that, she could help hide it even more.

“You won’t make it that long. The only reasons I’ve not said anything is because every single person who’s ever confronted him about his powers- is dead. And the reason they’re dead is because he plants something of a computer virus into their heads, into their minds and it drives them insane to the point they commit suicide, sometimes within days, sometimes within hours, sometimes within minutes. Minutes. Buddy, I’m terrified you are going to make it three years and a day. I’m so scared you’re going to leave this place and be within a five hundred foot radius of him so he can plant the bug in you. And then you’re going to go home and kill yourself because he’ll do the same thing to you. I’m afraid I’ll do the same thing because if he can’t have me, no one can because he’s so possessive and jealous and dangerous. He proved it with this necklace thing. You dared to give me anything, the smallest of things. Something tangible and he had to outdo it. And you’re not the only one who’s been in contact with others about this situation. I haven’t quit because as bad as all this abuse is, it’s still not as bad as losing you. I can’t lose you. You’re the one good thing in my life right now. And I don’t want him to use you against yourself by pushing you to take your own life or use you against me or me against you or me against me. Which is why I put a clause that in the event of your death, doesn’t matter how you die, everything you touch, all the royalties go back to your own companies. That’s why I’m pushing you to get your hands on everything you can design wise and putting your name and your mark and your seal on everything I can get my hands on. Yeah, you’ll lose percentages now, but if push comes to shove, at least everyone you employ will be ok and your second empire won’t fall like the first one did. This is why I haven’t had any romantic relationships while I’m here- is because Phillip has already torpedoed every attempt and sabotaged it. And it’s why I’m fighting myself so hard to not get closer to you because I don’t want him to sabotage us. He has me backed into a corner but the thing is, you’re behind me and I’m the only thing between you and him. And I’ll bear this and be your shield till my dying day because it has to stop somewhere. And it stops here, it stops with you and right this second, Jack is working on a way to expose Phillip’s powers and find a way to shield me and shield you from them and I’ll do all I can to at least protect your security guards at least so they don’t turn on you. Jack and Edna have been working on it for a year. All they need is time. Can we please, give them time. They’re so close. Just a little longer. Just endure this with me a little longer.” Violet confessed as she held onto his hands like they were a lifeline.

“For me? Can you do that for me?” Violet begged.

“Only for you. But the second it’s ready, we’re out of here.” Buddy insisted.

“I’ll spring you myself.” Violet finally smiled as her anxiety finally calmed down and she felt absolution and relief as it subsided as she let go of his hands to reach for the toilet paper to wipe up her streaking makeup before Buddy got up and some paper towels and got them wet with hot water in the sink before he handed them to her.

“Damn it, I really liked the way I did my makeup today too.” Violet tried to laugh as she just used it to wipe off all her makeup.

“You don’t need it, you’re beautiful no matter what and you could wear burlap and bring it into fashion, not that you care about that kind of thing.” Buddy assured her.

“Thanks. Jack tells me the same thing every time I see him.” Violet chuckled before she finally finished wiping it all off and throwing the now dirty, cooling paper towels in the trash before she happily pulled Buddy into a tight hug which he was more than ready to return. He had wanted to kiss her. But with the way Phillip used his powers in that aspect of her life, he knew if he tried to push any kind of romantic, intimate gestures now- it would not go over well and she would probably reject them and him. She was too gun-shy. If she wanted to be romantically intimate with him, she’d have to make the first move because he sure as hell wasn’t going to push it. She needed a friend and a confidant right now and that’s what he was going to be.

“Thank you so much, please, don’t breathe a word of this to anyone.” Violet pleaded.

“Only until we have an out.” Buddy compromised.

“Deal.” Violet huffed a laugh.

“Goodness you give the best hugs. I could hug you all day long if you let me.” Violet confessed with a halfhearted giggle as she nuzzled her face into the crux of his neck and shoulder absolutely relishing this because this hug was all she could ask for from a hug.

“Well you know where I am. Come and get one whenever you want.” Buddy offered as he wanted to kiss the crown of her head, but resisted. The poor girl just needed a platonic hug. He could give her that.

“Don’t offer anything you’re not fully prepared to be taken up on.” Violet playfully warned.

“I never do.” Buddy reassured her with a wry grin.

“I’d have to do it while I’m invisible though. I could give you three taps on the arm in warning before I do.” Violet urged.

“Yeah, about that, uh, because of your similar powers to Tali, she taught me how to find her even when she was invisible, because I can feel just about all the hairs on my body stand on end when you’re close enough to me.” Buddy confessed.

“Huh. Interesting. Well, again, three taps and then get to a bathroom because there’s no cameras or listening devices in them but there are some just outside of them. Cause otherwise to see you hug air will be suspicious.” Violet proposed.

“You got it.” Buddy readily agreed.

“And then, slowly but surely, if you could teach me the way you’re encoding the messages, I’ll try to learn it and if you’d be ok with me sending a few of my own so I can get something established with them too, just in case something goes sideways, to make safety nets and contingency plans and I’ll happily show you them so you know what I’m saying and telling them so we can coordinate.” Violet offered.

“Yeah, actually, the delivery guy, Jack Reacher- he’s my secret liaison to my other companies.” Buddy confessed with a wince but when Violet giggled he breathed out a breath of relief.

“Hiding in plain sight, I like it. That’ll make it easy, I can claim I need him to deliver stuff and mail stuff through him myself. Whatever I mail, will it still get delivered?” Violet asked.

“Yeah, it’s just the shipping labels that he intercepts but the packages themselves are benign.” Buddy assured her.

“Then I need to have some serious and very steady correspondence with The Agency about my replacement and their training then and nothing is more reliable than actual hard copy paper, a proper paper trail.” Violet insisted as she begrudgingly started to let go of him and regain some semblance of personal space.

“When my friends come to visit me, would you want to hang out with us?” Buddy asked.

“Would I be the only girl with a group of guys?” Violet asked.

“Nope, because I’m going to be extending the invitation to their wives and families.” Buddy revealed.

“Then yes, I’d love to come. Can I bring anything?” Violet asked hopefully.

“Just yourself.” Buddy answered with a subtle shake of his head.  

“Wine it is then.” Violet giggled before she let down the forcefield.

“Thank you for helping me calm down. You really are a big, tall, pine tree that’s a refuge. At least for me.” Violet praised.

“And I’ll happily be that for you for as long as you want me to.” Buddy answered with a fond grin before she took another step and kissed his cheek sweetly that melted Buddy right where he stood.

“Thank you. Now, let’s get back to business before Phillip loses his goddamn mind not being able to see me for more than a minute.” Violet urged as she straightened up and left the bathroom before she made a pained sound because all the cameras and listening devices were turned up to the maximum level as she subconsciously held her stomach.

“Woah you ok?” Buddy asked.

“Yeah, just a wave of nausea because they’re turned up.” Violet answered as she managed to get to the counter and thankfully once she was able to move forward she could feel them start to turn down again.

“Ok, so um about your personal social visit, who exactly do you want to come?” Violet began before Buddy gave her the names of all his friends and their wives and their kids names and their phone numbers and email addresses and how to best get a hold of them which Violet dutifully got and notated.

“OK, I’ll get started on all of this. See you again this evening Mr. Pine, good luck with your projects.” Violet urged him as she went back to her office to do her makeup for the third time that day as she put in all the information into her computer before Phillip came back into her office.

“Hey, you changed your makeup again.” Phillip noticed.

“Yeah, I had to.” Violet answered as Phillip simply hummed in pretensive befuddlement.

“Were you able to watch what happened in Mr. Pine’s lab?” Violet asked after a beat.

“No, did something happen?” Phillip lied which caused Violet to clench her jaw.

“Well, Mr. Pine noticed that I was upset and when he asked me about it, I had a panic attack and ended up locking both of us into his bathroom and he was inside the bubble when I couldn’t help but put it up and it took all of Mr. Pine’s wits to get me calmed down and for me to feel safe enough to let down the forcefield.” Violet answered.

“What...why? I thought I was able to help with that before you left.” Phillip questioned.

“You did. But Phillip…” Violet started as she felt tears prick her eyes again.

“I’m just having a bad day. That’s all there is to it.” Violet insisted as she tried to refocus and keep her emotions in check.  

“No, I don’t believe that. Come on Violet, you can tell me.” Phillip pleaded as he pushed his comfort onto her and she immediately bolted to get some space as she clutched her stomach again and figured now was as good as any to use this to her advantage.

“Phillip, something is wrong with me. I’m becoming paranoid and suicidal. Like when we were in Vegas and you did that coke and you thought you could fly and those hookers tried to help you- I had to fight so hard not to jump off the balcony myself. I don’t understand it, maybe it’s the pressure or something.” Violet said and saw Phillip’s eyes widen in horror just a little before he tried to school his expression again.

“But I feel like I’m being watched and listened to everywhere I go, even in my own apartment and it’s like I can sense little trackers in all my devices and they make me feel so much dread or listening devices- it’s like they ring in my ears and make me so nauseous. I’ve been trying so hard to keep this to myself because I know it sounds crazy and insane but Phillip, I’ve been battling this ever since I started working with you and it started off small at first, but the more I do this job and the closer I am to you and give into my feelings for you, the worse I feel and the worse it feels, I’m throwing up all the time and I can feel the enamel wear on my teeth and the psychic was right, I’m an emerald in a setting that’s too tight, I’m cracking under the pressure. And something about that jewelry you tried to give me this morning, it felt like it was just crawling in... spiders. It just makes me feel like everything is crawling with spiders and it makes my skin literally crawl like they’re climbing all over me. Like I get it that there’s cameras and listening devices here, for security, they have to be and I’ve gotten used to it, like seeing a spider web in the corner and pretending to ignore it as long as it doesn't come down or get close to you or like putting on an itchy sweater but you endure it because you’re at Grandma’s house but...I feel like I can never get away from them, that they’re all over everything I touch and it’s that- that makes what she said about the setting being too tight make so much sense, but I just couldn’t find the right words to tell you but I’ve been so scared of telling you because I didn’t want you to think you were in danger of a crazy person or doubt me that I couldn’t keep you safe or anything and for some reason when Buddy gave me this necklace, this is the first thing that I’ve been given that is spider free and the longer I wear it, the less the spiders crawl on me and I feel like you’re the center of the spider web for some reason and none of this makes sense but I have no idea how else to explain it. And I feel like if I keep pushing myself to be everything you need to be, I’ll break, I’ll shatter and never get put back together again. And the more I feel it, the more I feel, that even as much as you pay me- it’s not worth it . And my gut used to whisper things to me but all it does is scream at me anymore to save myself and just walk away and I just...I want to be in a space that’s spider free. And I want to hit every electronic around me with a hammer to squish the spiders. And I know this is crazy. And I feel like if I just kill myself, the spiders will just eat me and be done with it.” Violet managed to rant as she paced her office on the opposite side of the room as Phillip withdrew all of his powers from her and knew without the shadow of a doubt that this was all because of him. He was the one responsible for cracking her and he had thought he had taken out the suicide seed from her head but apparently not, the seed was sprouting on it's own or enough of it remained to do this to her. And that if he didn’t back off, she really was going to break beyond mending. He needed to fix this.

“And what’s even crazier- is I feel like Mr. Pine is just a big can of Raid. And the more I’m around him and closer to him I am, the farther away the spiders stay. And that’s why I’ve been wanting to do all the outings with him because at least when I’m with him, the spiders stay away. And he even invited me to stay as a friend for his social event and I totally want to but not when his place is crawling with spiders too. Phillip, I know this sounds crazy and if you want to commit me to an asylum, I’ll understand. I mean I’ll break out and disappear forever, but I would understand and forgive you.” Violet said as she let her shoulders drop in defeat and hugged herself as pure panic and a deep dreadful, foreboding fear gripped Phillip’s chest.

“Uh, then. Then you should do just that. I’m so sorry Violet, I’m so sorry, I wish you would have told me sooner. I never wanted…” Phillip began to cry but he did his best to keep his composure.

“You’re not crazy Violet. You’re just under too much pressure and I’ve put too much stress and pressure on you and I've asked too much of you and I am so, so, so sorry. You poor thing. You make so much sense right now. I get it, ok, um, I’m gonna do all I can to kill the spiders for you. Just...I’m approving everything for you and Mr. Pine, of course you should go, and don’t worry about going as Ms. Parr or Invisigirl. Just go as Violet. Go, have a great time, I’ll have your place searched and scrubbed to make sure it’s spider free or if you still think it has spiders, I’ll get you another apartment that’s spider free. I’ll get you new everything because if you feel it’s all infested with spiders, then they’re beyond saving. You are not crazy. You’re so strong and brave for trying to put up with all this. And while you’re there, I’ll turn off all the cameras and listening devices in the apartment side of the space, just in case that’s what’s giving you spider vibes. Because you deserve to have a nice evening with friends without feeling your skin crawl and get them like a case of wine or whatever as my gift for the occasion and just have a great time. Just keep Wednesday as your Raid day. And you know what, if Mr. Pine will host you or you want to host him and take him out- have the weekends too. have Raid weekends. And go out, like to the museums or whatever. Leave the security detail here. I trust you with Mr. Pine and I trust that if he makes a move, you’ll still do your job. It’s the least I can do.” Phillip generously offered before Violet practically ran into his arms and was so grateful when she felt that he didn’t use his powers at all.

“Thank you so much Phil, thank you for believing me and doing something about it. You have no idea how much that means to me.” Violet cried in relief into his chest as he held her.

“Of course. I’m always going to believe you. I need to protect you as much as you protect me. And if I have to kill a million spiders both real or otherwise, I’ll do it. You are the most important thing and the most precious jewel in the universe and I’m so sorry I couldn’t see that I was the one causing the cracks by putting so much pressure on you and asking too much of you. Thank you so much for telling me and identifying the problem. I’ll help as much as I can.” Phillip vowed.

“Thank you.” Violet thanked him before kissing him sweetly, wishing she could have kissed Buddy instead.

“Ok, let me go and call some exterminators and brainstorm to make a trap for any more.” Phillip offered before he left and went to the tech department and turned off all the cameras and listening devices in her apartment and her car and her phone and Violet simply grinned when she could tell they had been turned off as she took a moment to hold her phone between her hands and mentally searched for it and was still able to find it. It was still there, just dormant. Sleeping . Before she played with it, focused on the device and turned it back on and then back off again and smiled to herself that she was good enough to figure out how to do it and could now do it on demand.

Meanwhile the mole in security sent the message that Violet was aware of the bugs and that Phillip was going to go and exterminate her bug problem and to make sure that the only bugs he would find would be his own and within 30 minutes, Zone’s security team came back to Violet’s place and took out all of the piggy backs and covered up all the evidence that they were ever there to begin with and quickly left again.

[balillee]

tommy's character gets far too much shit.

hi tumblr. i'm gonna need a few bitches to spread this post everywhere, essentially because i want someone, or just tommy really, to see it. so if you really want, you can screenshot it and post it on twitter, reddit, link it everywhere - go absolutely buck wild. i know he reads the VODS comments a lot, but they're chock full of people just insulting him, his character, his writing and everything about his story in the dream smp simply because they don't understand it and because they refuse to acknowledge his character's perspective (mainly because they only care about the pig). reading that many critical comments on something you've created can only make you feel worse about it eventually, and in light of all the awful techno apologist takes on his character, i wanted to basically just word vomit about how wonderfully crafted c!tommy is, as well as compile some other tumblr posts about his character.

there is a massive fuckin community of people who enjoy the character of tommy, because the character is incredible. i myself have made post after post after post commenting on and analysing tommy's character because i find that there's so much to pick apart. but that enthusiasm for his character only seems to be found on tumblr. reddit and twitter seem to hate his character, the VODS seem to be filled with comments from people who only care about techno's perspective (and treat techno as a reliable narrator, which, is the furthest thing from the truth - that guy lies through his teeth all the time), and the smp wiki is a hellscape of godawful takes and mistruths, not even on just tommy's character.

c!tommy is brilliantly acted and brilliantly written, and almost everything he does is either justifiable or has been rectified or admitted as a mistake. you can clearly make connections as to where he got his conclusions from. you feel what his character experiences, as a member of the audience, vividly.

if you look in the more objective sense, c!tommy, and this is especially in the context of him being the youngest character, is a scapegoat. people claim he's awful and destructive when in reality he's a lot less destructive than most characters on the server. a moment that comes to mind is where he diverts schlatt and quackity's attention from pogtopia by breaking part of the flag in manberg, and then replacing it so as to buy tubbo some time - he literally monologues after it about how he doesn't want to destroy but instead rebuild, and how he feels as if nobody else seems to understand that.

his arc in season two was incredible. it was very character driven, and it gave a spotlight to his motivations. at the start we see him in new l'manberg, and he's enjoying his time there, he's skeptical of his friend's presidency, but his main goal is to get back the discs so that he can stop dream and eliminate that threat. he made one screw up that didn't even matter to george, and he paid for it tenfold, even after dream had spent a while with puffy griefing the server and framing it on tommy - what tommy and ranboo did was convinient. then, in exile, we see c!tommy straight up get abused. he's gaslit and conditioned into being c!dream's friend, and in his brain he teaches himself that those acts of abuse are moments of bonding, and it eventually brings him to the point of wanting to end his own life - he's been torn away from his friends and his support system, and nobody will visit him consistently anymore because they only showed him pity, and all he had left was dream, who had hurt him.

but he doesn't die there, because while he didn't understand the full gravity of it back then like he does now, he recognises that dying isn't an escape, and he can beat dream, even if he doesn't know how. so this is where he goes to techno's place, and here's where the fandom starts to misinterpret the situation wildly.

it's the problem similar to when your parents tell you that they're owed something back because you put a roof over their head, despite that being Not How It Works. techno took tommy in and severely mistreated him emotionally. sure, and i understand this, c!techno is a bad communicator who isn't really that empathetic to anyone who isn't phil or wilbur, but that doesn't excuse the blatant lying to c!tommy's face, the guilt tripping, the friendship buying and the degrading. the day before the festival, tommy finally does something violent in his interrogation of fundy, and only then does techno tell him,,,,

that tommy's not equal to him, that techno doesn't respect him all that much, and that they're not friends.

from techno's perspective, and at the time, this was viewed as a positive development in their relationship. oh, he's starting to warm up to tommy! this friendship could really blossom!

no. from a more objective standpoint, what techno has just said to tommy is : 'i respect you only a little bit more now, because while you're starting to act more like me, you're still annoying and a burden.'

and i haven't even touched on the whole 'erasing the words 'Destroy L'manberg' from techno's to-do list' thing, because that instantly refutes the point of 'techno was upfront with his intentions the whole time' - because he wasn't! he may have said it the first time, but you also know what else he did? he repeatedly told tommy that they'd 'air the details out later' whenever the discs were brought up, and from a tommy viewer's perspective at the time, it was framed as if techno was no longer going to do that.

and i also haven't dared touch the 'i would have fought them all for you', because that's major guilt tripping if ever i've seen it.

so, the day of the festival comes, and here's where c!techno and his apologists completely misread c!tommy's thought process, and why he makes the decision he does.

tommy instantly regrets valuing the discs over tubbo, and it's framed as the culmination of tommy having become all the people he said he would never want to be like. and what does he immediately do? he tells tubbo to give up the disc, and he sides with tubbo. he puts his value in his friends, and, by proxy, l'manberg. and when he betrays techno, he tells him 'i'm sorry'.

from a more objective standpoint, tommy's time with techno is him valuing the discs over almost anything else. so, in leaving techno to be with tubbo again, he is valuing people above the discs. so when, on doomsday, techno says his 'discs aren't people' line, what he doesn't realise is that he himself fueled tommy's valuing of discs above people when attempting to fuel tommy's vengeance against tubbo and l'manberg. techno doesn't realise that he was an unhealthy presence for tommy, and an even worse influence.

what techno also doesn't seem to understand is that tommy never hated tubbo or l'manberg - tommy recognises, now at least, that his exile wasn't a product of tubbo, but a product of dream's manipulation, likely in part because at the time, especially with dream lying about tommy blowing up the community house, tommy was the only one who could see it because he had experienced it firsthand. so when techno sides with dream, it's like kicking tommy in the teeth.

and i want to mention that betraying someone doesn't necessarily make the person who was betrayed good, or in the right, or even justified, because tommy was entirely justified to leave techno. you know who else was betrayed? schlatt. but i don't see many schlatt apologists around angry at quackity for joining the rebellion.

tommy stole the axe of peace? good. it was a moment of tommy defining his self-worth, instead of having it defined by others. gone is the age of c!techno belittling him and deciding how much c!tommy should be respected. NEXT!

here's a moment i wanted to talk about that will forever be funny to me.

'i am a person.'

techno's very famous line from doomsday. techno says to tommy that discs aren't people, and that tommy should value people, despite not understanding that by leaving techno, he did just that. and what does tommy say in return, which has been omitted from every c!tommy-critical analysis, and every animatic?

'yes you are, but so are we.'

an acknowledgement of techno's hurt, to which tommy has already apologised for. a statement that says 'your hurt does not excuse, nor justify, the hurt you have inflicted onto us.' an acknowledgement that tommy has already learnt the lesson techno seems to be trying to 'teach' him. but you can't teach him anything by destroying.

c!tommy has had almost everything he has ever owned or built either taken from him or destroyed. ranboo even points out that the only two things of tommy's left standing are his house and his hotel, and if i'm honest, his house is dissheveled. it's a labyrinth of terror due only to how many times it's been torn apart. l'manberg being blown up didn't teach anyone anything about anarchy, or about valuing people over possessions. logstedshire being blown up didn't teach tommy to be obedient.

i could honestly ramble for ages about how nuanced tommy's character is and how much depth and complexity there is to his character's process and his relationship with others, but more than that, c!tommy is forgiving. he invites almost everyone who hates him to the grand opening of his hotel - if that isn't an indicator that he just wants friends, and not to be treated like the embodiment of evil, then i don't know what is. he holds grudges, but he doesn't really actively hate anyone, other than c!dream. but, we'll let him. c!dream deserves nothing but to be pummeled into the floor.

tommy doesn't spoonfeed his character nuance, and he doesn't really spell it out for his audience. he'll mention things like trauma and triggers in passing, but a lot of analysis on his motivations has to be picked up from what is said in passing or from what can be seen in between the lines.

i'd be here for hours if i were to talk about everything i love about c!tommy, because honestly he's one of my favourite characters, and there are so many angles you can look at his character from in terms of his age, his relationships with others, his motivations, his personality, his character arcs etc etc. so instead of doing that, i'm going to compile some much more specific analysis posts below to skim through because they highlight so many good aspects of his character.

^^ A thread about the 'yes you are, but so are we' line.

^^ About how shit the VODS comments are.

^^ A comment on how c!Tommy is actually pretty peaceful, and is actually less destructive than most characters on the server.

^^ Possibly the best c!Tommy analysis thread I've ever seen in relation to his trauma, which gives multiple perspectives.

^^ About how c!Tommy is treated as a scapegoat, and how, from an objective standpoint, he is no more violent than any other character, it's just that the little violence that is committed is blown far out of proportion.

^^ Tumblr user flypaw being a bad bitch, as per usual.

^^ c!Tommy being incredibly intelligent, and talking about wanting to rebuild and not destroy. A very underrated monologue of his.

^^ Something short about c!Tommy and c!Wilbur's relationship in Pogtopia.

^^ Less about c!Tommy, more a meta on L'Manberg. Really interesting to think about.

^^ A take on Doomsday.

I'll add some more posts in a reblog in the notes, but if anyone's post(s) is on this and they want me to take it off, let me know and I'll do that for you! Feel free to add your own banger c!Tommy takes or ones that you've found.

[desultory-novice]

マルマホorマホマル?

The vibes are different.

Can I just say I'm so amused (/pos) to get this ask? Thank you for sending it in, Anon! And yes, the vibes ARE different between Marx/Magolor and Magolor/Marx!

Which do I choose? I think it depends on the verse I'm writing in?

"Marionettes' Pavane" is probably more MahoMaru, with Magolor's need for control making him emotionally the "seme" of the pairing. (And he's taller! Well, pre-accident...) Marx, with his androgynous good looks (MariPav Marx is agender with masc pronouns and non-binary presentation) seems to fulfill the pretty boy "uke" role. At least according to the old (dated…?) shipping roles.

(Note: I used those terms above ONLY as a shorthand - since this is essentially asking who “tops.” While I actually ship them asexually.)

Of course, real life is more complicated than doujinshi tropes (...I say, while writing a doujinshi) but Marx, who has a desperate need to possess something, ANYTHING of his own, receives fulfillment from knowing he is the object of Magolor's desires. He now "possesses" Magolor's intense affection. (That Magolor gives freely.) 

That affection/desire reaction goes both ways, as Marx - who is less “restricted” in his pick of partners,* since his planet is flourishing - actively chooses Magolor above anyone else. Together, they create a nearly unbreakable bond where their emotional need of the other one binds the two of them together strongly.

(*At first, it may seem Magolor is attracted to Marx due to lack of options, but as time goes on, it is clear he would still be drawn to Marx, even having his pick of people. Marx shares a commonality of thought with him that no one else does)

Talking about need, it’s not that they're dysfunctionally co-dependent on each other, as, after they find each other, they’re capable of operating independent knowing that they have each other there waiting. However, the threat of losing the other one again would be enough to bring them to the breaking point.

Then again, after all they've been through (post-Nova, post-Crown) they are the only ones who understand each other's deep pain and the tremendous cost of their shattered wishes. They’re the ones capable of bringing each other back from the brink of despair that hovers so close in the shadows. (That and their friendship with Kirby, but that’s because Kirby is kind of everyone’s miracle.) 

It’s hard for them because they each almost lost everything. The one undeniable upshot to their experiences was to find each other. To lose each other now? It would be worse than having their souls (...heheh :cough cough: ...) torn in two.

It's also more MahoMaru because Magolor is the first one to admit his love. And he does a large percentage of the "chasing" too. (Something something Master Crown…)

In little round blorbo form, it's more up in the air who takes the lead in their relationship. And I like to switch it up more often.

It can be a lot of fun when you let Marx take the lead in making these grand, unhinged, romantic gestures (like supergluing himself to Magolor*) and have him drive Magolor ever so slightly insane.

(*Tbh, I dislike that pic for being so rushed and so bad, but it’s an excellent example of the kind of hijinks only they can get away with.)

In direct opposition to that, but still very MaruMaho, I also enjoy variations on the two of them where an emotionally insecure Magolor is too stubborn/shielded to admit he could ever possibly LIKE the jester, and its the more emotionally in tune with himself (!!!) Marx who is prodding Magolor to confront his feelings.

:reminds myself to draw a thing I have on this topic:

Now, as a fan? I really like seeing both! 

Again, I do ship them; they’re my Kirby OTP (and probably my only “active” pairing) but I also just like seeing them together in any form. Goofball friends who bond over pranking the residents of Dreamland? Awesome! Fighting each other and destroying whole city blocks over something petty? Still fun! Bitter villains forced to work together to get what they want? Gimme!

I simply love these two.

[nexyra]

TOH Enneagram (+ MBTI)

Did anybody ask ? No. Does it make me happy ? Yes. THUS, I will share with you all my current/ongoing TOH typings ✨

I already mentionned this with RWBY but same applies here : I prefer enneagram to MBTI, so not all characters will have my MBTI guess because for several of them I just wasn't really interested in guessing it or nothing really striked me. Anyway, MOVING ON

Luz Noceda ♦ ENFP 7w6 4w3 9w8 so/sx

From the first few episodes of TOH I already knew that Luz was some kind of 479 (and good for her ! love that tritype & its contradictions). The only question was the order. If yourself hesitated for some time between 7 and 4 : just look at Reaching Out and come back to me. This episode is the epithome of a 7 : a race ahead, desperately busying yourself outside to avoid your internal world. Her 4 is also quite clear : Luz longs to be HERSELF, she's unabashedly authentic but also feels *wrong* in some shape or form for never managing to fit in the Human realm. Her 9 shows easily in the fact that she's simply put a pretty laid-back person overall, and rarely express anger. But most of all she's scared of being a burden and eager to accomodate others when she fears being abandonned.

Eda Clawthorne ♦ ESTP 7w8 8w9 2w3

Her 7 and 8 are both clear : Eda is a very headstrong woman, she fears feeling trapped and she's eager to experience hands-on all that the world has to offer to her. She's playful and curious, and despises the Emperor Coven for restricting others' future and their magic. Her 8 shows in that as well : Eda is concerned with fulfilling her wants & needs in life, and will grow angry when others trying to prevent her from doing so. She rejects vulnerability in most situations and doesn't like to show her cracks to others. If you type her 783 instead I won't mind either and I would get it somehow. But I feel like, even if she likes to brag about being the strongest witch on the Isles, Eda doesn't really care about being respected or admired, and she certainly doesn't base her self-worth on her ability to fulfill others' expectations in any way. She's a caretaker who struggles to let others return the favor to her (reject). If you want me to elaborate on why 2 fix, I know one ep in particular led me to this conclusion but it was probably back in S2A so I would have to look it up.

King Clawthorne ♦ 3w4 8w7 6w7

His typing is made harder by the fact that he's literally 8 years old. I'm unsure of his core, torn between 3 and 8. King's arc clearly focuses on identity & image (heart core) issues. He's grandiloquent, concerned with how he appears to people. BUT not very competency (Competency : 135 triad who tends to solve problems by rejecting emotions and trying to stay objective/detached) He lacks care for what others expect from him. BUT at the same time he isn't raised in a 3ish household, Luz & Eda don't expect much from him so that could be the reason. He starts off as someone who denies vulnerability and tends to overfocus on *his* wants and needs (8). Or at least he DID but he's certainly grown since. He tend to be very reactive to when others go against him. (Reactive : 468 triad who tend to work themselves up emotionally in the face of a problem and want others to mirror that emotional reaction to be sure that they understand the gravity of the situation) BUT AGAIN. He's literally 8 years old. What 8 years old is competent, unconcerned with how he accomplishes his wants, and not at least a bit reactive. THUS, hard to say really.

Hooty ♦ 2w3 core

Lilith Clawthorne ♦ 3w4 1w9 6w5

3w4 and 1w9 are the strongest part of her tritype, I initially typed her as a 1 to be honest but had to switch when she literally asked her mom for congratulations over her folded napkins. She's concerned with getting love & appreciation over her objective accomplishments most of all. THEN she has the rigidty and perfectionnism of a 1 + the desire to make ther world around her (including Eda) fits her vision of what is good. At least in the beginning.

Willow Park ♦ 9w8 4w3 6w5

not sure what to say to argue here, if you feel differently you can ask for why's i suppose. Willow is overall easy to get along and her integration seems to fit the 9 -> 3 line : letting go of self-imposed isolation, trying to step out of her "background character" life to show what she's capable of. Comfortable with how she's different from others and her ''misfit'' status once she's shown that she's not WRONG but simply different.

Gus Porter ♦ 5w6/6w5? 3w2 9w1

i need to rewatch the Gus-centric ep. there's some stuff that could point to a 5 really : including his absolute *need* to be the most competent in the room, the most knowledgeable, to not be rejected and how it was reflected in his presidency over the human club. but at the same time, "trust" and an inability to trust yourself is a very 6ish theme and so I remain undecided. other than that 3 and 9 are a no-brainer : Gus is a very attachment character : he tends to conform to others expectations and what they consider as good for a variety of reasons.

Amity Blight ♦ 3w4 6w5 1w9 sp/so

Amity is constantly 3ing, just in different fonts. From "best student in the abomination track" to "i'm gonna be the best girlfriend ever". As she acurately explained herself, she was raised under the assumption that "everything is an opportunity to justify existing". In other words, you need to prove that you are worth something, and in her case through concrete and objective measures of success to earn love. ie she's a 3 core.

Hunter ♦ ISTP 6w5 3w2 8w9

i nearly typed him 3w2 but had to switch after Any sport in a Storm and Hollow Mind. The 3 and 6 are both very strong in Hunter, but in the end it's clear that seeing Belos as good and trustworthy played a big part in him feeling safe and secure in his place in the world. And having that certainty shattered really shook him. His 3 is clear as well in the way he is constantly trying to prove himself useful. Some might type him as a Te user because Hunter appreciates rules and authority as he says, but I do believe that this is his 6 speaking more than anything : 6s feel secure when the rules and expectations are clear-cut and out there, they appreciate authority they can rely on. But Hunter's way of fulfilling this when it comes to Belos certainly seemed more Ti-ish. Even while trying to deny the truth, he still had to try and make things logical and rational *to himself*. He doesn't deny the evidence, but tries to make it fit in a framework that fits his understanding of reality.

Belos ♦ IxTJ 1w2 5w 2w1

Hollow Mind clearly showed that Belos is a 1 and not an 8. Belos has so far always been a controlled & cold villain. He has outbursts but they are directed at others' incompetence or (in Elsewhere and Elsewhen) at witches and what he considers *wrong* : these are 1 reasons for anger, not really 8ish in essence. 1s care about whether the world around them fits their standarts and might enforce them on people. They're the one who will rise to the top to try & make the world fit their idea of what is ''correct'' and will berate people for their incompetence. 8s, on average, will more often be anti-authoritarian because rules are an obstacle to them having free reign over their actions & accomplishing their wants/will. And being the one to establish the rules isn't the 8 go-to solution to avoid being controlled quite as much as people pretend it is. They care about being able to do whatever they want, and do not (on average) get along well with overly rigid structure. As for the 5 : if Belos had a 6 fix, it would have been easy to throw in some 6ish reasonning into his whole cleansing plan : him fearing witches or the unknown or anything of the kind (fitting of his time period). But there's none of that aspect with this character. (although to be fair he does use 6 tactics, but mostly on others) I think 5 is more likely since he does have this tendency to keep all the knowledge & plans to himself, and it's one of his go to way to control others. He has an independant streak but not for 8-related issues (no problem delegating, no problem with rigid structure, no problem weaponizing weakness) rather in a 5ish way (only one to know what is going on, shares the strict minimum, leaves other in the dark to avoid being challenged, emotionally distant & unavailable) As for the 2, the part that would most probably surprise people : The Emperor Coven is an environment that breeds 3 like tomorrow but I do not think Belos himself is one surprisingly. If you look at it more carefully, over the course of the show we have never seen Belos actually SHOW his competency or talents to anyone to garner their appreciation. And he never does really. Instead his tactis always rely on being kind, complimenting others and he downrights sees himself as a savior. He expects gratitude, not respect, and presents himself as good-natured and helpful which brings me to type him as a 2 over a 3.

Kikimora ♦ 6w? 3w4 8w

she acts the way she does because of fear, for her life or her position. she's also driven by her desire for recognition through objective measure of success. As most people in the Emperor Coven.

Darius ♦ 3w4 7w8 8w9/9w8?

another 3 again, the Emperor Coven is annoying like that. that said, I do not think Darius has a 6. He distinguishes himself from characters like Kikimora or Hunter so far in the sense that he respects people with individuality, who thinks for themselves and make their own call in situations. As opposed to mindless obediance, that he seems to disapprove of. He doesn't understand people who lack self-respect (like Hunter) and himself shows a willingness to skirt rules & arbitrary orders in favor of getting some "him-time" or having fun. All of this said, I think he could be either 379 or 378 : he's focused on his wants and willing to fight for them to some extent, and doesn't respect people who fail to do the same and don't respect themselves. At the same time he's a very laidback guy, who doesn't mind just up-and-leaving conversation and brushing off others. And seem keen on preserving his time & energy.

Edric Blight ♦ 6w7 3w2 9w?

reaching out made him sound like a 2 somewhat but i think it's a trap because if you think about it, edric has never seemed concerned with being a caretaker or feeling needed in a 2ish way. his issue in Reaching out is more about feeling like the brunt of a joke and also incompetent aka 3 issues. like hunter, he says "i can help" but actually means "I'm capable/competent/reliable enough to help." which comes back to more 3ish struggles. I think 3 fix in general is more coherent with the persona Edric presents to the world the rest of the time. Pretending to be more put together, charming & confident than he actually feels deep down aligns more with the 3 tendency for Deceit than the 2 desire to make themselves indispensable through answering others' needs. Also 3s, despite being a competency type and usually seen as confident, are very much dependant on others' opinions & expectations since they're an Attachment type : they define their worth through answering others' expectations, and not fulfilling this aspect f/cks with them.

Emira Blight ♦ 278

this tritype in some order is my best guess but we don't know a lot about her yet. countrary to amity & edric she seems completely unbothered by what others think of her when it comes to her talents or her accomplishments. at the same time, she's clearly the caretaker of the family (healing edric & giving advice to amity while dying her hair). she's confident in her personal worth but still ties herself to her siblings until being almost resentful of how much her life revolves around her twin. she's clearly the more headstrong of the two, seems pretty willful and handles edric with ease. but sorely lacks the rigidity of 1s, she seems (like Eda) more concerned with having her fun and doing what she wants instead. she's also bothered by the fact that her & edric are always together. This is why I think she might be a 7, who dislikes feeling trapped and currently is because her and edric aren't on the same page on the subject. but as the show progress they distinguish themselves more & more so it should be okay for these two.

♦ ♦ ♦

If you're thinking : but where is Raine ?? THEY'RE NOWHERE I'm so sorry I genuinely like them but I have 0 strong opinion about their enneagram so far ?? I need another Raine ep I think before giving my take on it. It's pretty clear that they don't have a 8, and I also doubt they'd have a 3. But other than that ? I'd rather not be hasty and just admit that I have no clue for now.

Don't hesitate to disagree in asks, reblogs or notes as long as you stay respectful. And if you want me to elaborate more on 1 character or another, feel free to ask as well ! Or if you want to ask about background characters I didn't put here.

Good day everyone !

[gangrenados]

Yandere Jason Todd

I have to say that these are a bunch of multiples ideas, so it might a little bit dispersed.

Warning: murder, kidnapping, manipulation

I don't condone any of this behavior, we all know this is a really shitty thing to do.

Matthew Daddario as Jason fancast cuz I like it!!

▪Let's start with something simple: Jason is a very possessive and over protective yandere who doesn't fear to kill whoever dares to put themselves between him and you, especially if they're rivals.

▪There's a big difference when it comes to how he'll be with you depending on what state of his life he's in.

•Fresh of out of the Pit Jason will obsess over you for the sole reason that he wants to posses something in order to feel like he has gained some control over his life.

° Jason doesn't love you, you're just an object that he use to feel in control so he will manhandle you and break you as he pleases.

°It's hard for him to realize that what he's doing is wrong and by the time he finally accepts it, you'll probably be death or in a terrible mind state.

°Jason will have succeed in breaking you and he will punish himself about it.

•Arkham Knight Jason see you as a something that he needs to possess in order to feel human and loved again. He almost worships you as a higher being.

°Jason will hold on you in dear life, hoping that your company will make him feel better.

° Jason is more mindful over your needs and what you might feel about him and being held hostage, those thoughts makes him deeply insecure and sick to his stomach. However, Jason can't bring himself to let you go, he needs you.

°He wouldn't hurt you on purpose, but rather will choose to threaten you with breaking all your bones or killing those you love.

°This applies when he's jealous. Jason will pin you up against wall and point a gun at you as he cries and screams why was the cause for you to betray him.

°You always knew Jason was by far more strong than you but having him towering over you in the middle of a breakdown as he waves around a loaded gun is making you panic.

°Jason wouldn't kill you, but he know where to shoot without killing. You're gonna suffer with him if you don't start to give him answers.

°This version of Jason is mentally and emotionally unstable, he's more likely to breakdown and cause chaos since he can't fully control what he's feeling or how to process it.

°Jason might worship you and treat you as if you were made of glass, but he might kill you in one of his anger rampages.

• Red Hood Jason in the other hand is in a better mental place so it's less likely that he'll hurt you out of an emotional decontrol.

° Also there's the fact that, as that his Arkham Knight version, Jason prefers to use threads to keep you under his control rather than physical punishments. However, he'll use them if your being too defiant.

His punishments tend to be: isolation, spanking, making you use a collar shock, etc

°Jason doesn't see you as an object that will make him feel better, he genuinely loves and cares for you.

°He's deeply afraid that something bad will happen to you if he's not there to protect you.

°Jason see you as a defenseless, naive person who needs him to survive. He's gonna be your savior and lover even if you don't want him to.

°Oh don't try to escape, he'll find you pretty easily and drag you back to the safe house as he scolds you for being such a stupid brat. And if someone else was helping you escape? Jason will kill them in front of you to show you a lesson.

°He might nice and caring to you, but Jason doesn't tolerate when a darling talks back or defy him.

He doesn't like a bratty darling since it makes him think you don't trust him enough. Jason truly believes he knows what's better for you, so it's not gonna end well if you question his decisions.

°Might pull up a dirty move to make you stay, like hiring some goons to scare you if you decide to leave him. So Red Hood can come, kill them and be your hero!

°One thing to keep in mind is that all of his version are deeply insecure and touched deprived. They might want to hold you and kiss you, but it's gonna be a long way until they finally don't hesitate to do such thing.

°Their distan and pretty close to you at the same time. This goes more with the Arkham Knight and Red Hood though.

I'm gonna keep talking about the Red Hood version, so keep reading!

▪Jason wants you and will have you, he doesn't care how far he has to go for that to become true.

▪He wants to know every little single detail about you, it doesn't matter if they're insignificant.

▪So he will study you and take notes about your preferences, your weaknesses, what you like and what not and what are those little habits you have so internalized that you don't even notice you make.

▪It will lead to a point that Jason will know you better than you think to know yourself.

▪He will set cameras and a security system in your house and you will notice that Red Hood has been appearing too much near your neighborhood lately...weird.

▪Also the crippling sensation that someone is watching has been being so persistent when you go out.

▪You have tried to calm yourself down saying that it's normal since you live in a city like Gotham, but that doesn't make it any better.

▪Also lately you don't feel alone when you're in your apartment. You don't feel alone at all to be honest and it's creeping you out.

▪And what about this new guy in your life? He looks so mysterious and bad boy-ish, also wow he's pretty damn handsome and easy to talk to! How this guy can be friend of yours!?

▪Yeah, Jason got over his doubts and went out of his way to reach to you and be part of your life (with you knowing this time)

▪There's something we have to address here: at the beginning Jason couldn't accept that what he was doing was wrong. He didn't even want to acknowledge that he was deeply infatuated with you.

▪Jason didn't mean for this crush to go that far and the idea of what he's really doing, looking through the cameras he installed in your room, was making him sick.

▪However, he couldn't be away from you for long, if something happened to you it would drive him crazy, since the idea that you weren't there was enough to make anxiety paralyze his entire body.

▪Jason needs to protect you like he needs to breathe. It's not an option but a vital necessity.

▪What happens is that Jason's mind is torn between the voice that tells him to watch you closely and the one who's screaming at him and begging to stop all of this.

▪ Jason wants to possess you so he can keep the dangerous world away from you, is better than the rational part of his mind that tells him that what he is doing is foolish and will end badly.

▪But to be honest here, Jason doesn't pay much attention to the rational side of his brain unless he has a breakdown since he's more sensitive and open to those sad thoughts.

▪During one of those breakdowns were the main reason why he took you one night after about a month of overthinking every decision he has made so far and the numbing that he might lose you if he doesn't do something drastical.

▪So during a seemingly normal night in Gotham, when the rain soaked everything in it's path and made your warm bed even comfortable than ever, an exalted Red Hood broke into your apartment to kidnap you.

▪He didn't leave any space for doubt, so without hesitation he pricked your neck with a needle and carried to one of his safe houses.

▪Jason feels like he can breath again now that you're on his bed, sleeping fondly thanks to the tranquilizer.

▪You look so beautiful and innocent, it only reassures Jason that what he did was the right thing.

▪You need him to protect you from the horrible things of the world, it's more than obvious that you can't take care of yourself and Jason is more than glad to keep you safe.

▪Yeah, that's all he wants in reality. Jason doesn't give a fuck if you don't love him right away since he have the hope that one day you'll understand and finally accept his love and devotion for you and you'll do the same.

[spockshocked]

On “This Side of Paradise”

Watching the original Star Trek many decades after it aired, I cannot help but feel as though the conclusions I draw from certain lines, scenes, and even entire episodes must not be exactly as initially intended. Despite the caginess, both in canon and in external commentary, that Roddenberry and others employ in their discussions of the nature of Captain Kirk and Mr. Spock’s relationship, and the subtext often burgeoning on text especially to a gay viewer, Spock’s perceived gayness extends beyond his ambiguous relationship with his Captain. Many of the cues that might cause a gay viewer to feel reflected by Spock come via the quirks of his Vulcan nature.

One episode which deals particularly with Spock’s internal conflict vis a vis his mixed heritage is “This Side of Paradise,” the 24th episode of the first season. Spock falls under the influence of alien spores that cause him to break down in what appears to be immense pain, before he confesses his love to a woman named Leila Kalomi, whose love for him had been unrequited for six years. Spock spends the majority of the episode under the influence of these spores, canoodling with Kalomi and giggling while hanging from a tree branch, until Kirk roughly snaps him out of it and the stoic science officer returns to himself. The spores appear to render their hosts relaxed, blissful, and dazed, an effect which can be undone through displays of strong negative emotion.

The most striking result of his time spent under the influence is the melancholy that seems to overtake him once the effect is broken. Once he has his bearings and realizes that Kirk has intentionally riled him so that the spores lose their hold, the first thing he says is:

SPOCK: The spores. They're gone. I don't belong anymore.

In the context of the episode, “belonging” is the eerie, almost cult-like description for one under the influence of the spores. Taken at face value, Spock’s comment is merely an observation that he is no longer being affected by them; Spock often makes somewhat banal comments seemingly for the benefit of the audience’s comprehension. However, this one seems to carry a double meaning. Consider Spock’s heritage: half-human and half-Vulcan, Spock constantly finds himself torn between two clashing cultures, truly “belonging” to neither. A substance that enables his full emotionality, effectively tipping the delicately balanced scales of his identity, provides a sort of relief. With the negation of its effects comes a return to the inner turmoil he experiences every moment of every day.

Spock felt like he belonged when he was able to feel and express romantic love for a woman. A simple reading of this might be that the ability to process emotion gave Spock a sense of belonging, but there is once again another, deeper analysis to be made. The assumption that gay couples would likely be commonplace by the 23rd century aside, the fact remains that the show was produced in the 1960s and there are no canon gay couples to be found. Therefore, it is possible to work within a metric where one might have a reason to remain closeted. If we approach Spock as a closeted gay man, then the female object of his affections becomes a key element in his feeling of “belonging.”

In typical Star Trek fashion, the exact effect produced by the spores is never elucidated. The implication seems to be that it provides some lowering of inhibitions and propensity for leisure. However, the spores could also be seen as pushing their hosts to pursue their ideal lives. Doctor McCoy gets notably more Southern, his accent thickening as he walks around singing the praises of the mint julep. It seems as though, while under the influence, he pursues things that remind him of the comforts of home. 

Spock, however, has no such comforts. Instead, he becomes something he could never be: able to reciprocate the feelings of a beautiful young woman who has pined after him for years. Once the effect of the spores is broken, he must then break the news to her:

LEILA: I love you. I said that six years ago, and I can't seem to stop repeating myself. On Earth, you couldn't give anything of yourself. You couldn't even put your arms around me. We couldn't have anything together there. We couldn't have anything together anyplace else. We're happy here. [crying] I can't lose you now, Mister Spock. I can't.

SPOCK: I have a responsibility to this ship, to that man on the Bridge. I am what I am, Leila, and if there are self-made purgatories, then we all have to live in them. Mine can be no worse than someone else's.

Spock’s response is cool, as we have come to expect from him, but notably more candid that most of his observations about his own experiences. He starts by claiming a responsibility to not only the Enterprise, but to Kirk himself. This could be a simple declaration of loyalty to his captain, as it would almost certainly appear to Kalomi, or an allusion to some repressed feelings that would only register to him. His next line, however, carries some serious weight. “I am what I am” refers to his Vulcan heritage, but as is often the case, it could also easily be in reference to his own homosexuality. Either way, he is explaining why he is incapable of loving Kalomi; the difference is whether he is incapable of love at all, or of love for a woman. His “self-made purgatory” is both his entrapment between his Vulcan and human halves, and his repression of his sexuality. 

Spock rarely speaks about his mixed heritage and the internal conflict it causes him, just as he rarely speaks of his own emotions at all, but it takes its toll on him. Briefly finding relief from this conflict only makes the return to it that much more difficult, causing him to be even more terse than usual. Kirk even points out that Spock has been quiet about the experience:

KIRK: We haven't heard much from you about Omicron Ceti III, Mr. Spock.

SPOCK: I have little to say about it, Captain, except that for the first time in my life I was happy.

Spock has spent his entire life trying and failing to completely repress his human emotions in an attempt to become fully Vulcan. When he finally has the chance to experience them in full, he breaks down in pain at the wave of repressed emotions before he finally experiences untainted joy “for the first time.” However, that is not his authentic self either. Neither a logical Vulcan nor an emotional human, he is eternally trapped between worlds, and was only able to find joy in a brief and unattainable fantasy. He is so discontent with his own nature that he cannot be happy as he is.

To a closeted viewer, this final line of the episode, delivered as dryly as always, is heartbreaking. The first time in Spock’s life that he was happy was when he ignored an integral part of himself that brought him pain in order to live a moment of a life that he could never have. To those who have repressed their sexuality, convincing themselves that they felt attraction to those of another sex because it was what would make them belong, watching Spock find joy in this fantasy only to be crushed when he must return to reality is painfully familiar. 

Analysis of Spock and Kirk’s relationship is generally sufficient to read them as a gay couple. When Spock is viewed in isolation, however, he still comes across as gay to many viewers. Spock’s innate perceived gayness relies not on his attraction to men, but on his repression of his true self and of the emotions that he cannot bring himself to face. While chalked up by the show to his half-Vulcan heritage, it still strikes a chord in a very human gay viewer.