#and can sometimes die from the heartbreak of losing their mate?

[toasteaa]

Sobbing, crying, tearing down walls, taking a melatonin so I can stop being plagued by Eclairette thoughts tonight cause ough

Ooooough,,,

[ask-cinnavanillamelody]

Terra: Mocha mod what are love bats like in your universe?

Love Bats are a species actually jointly made by me an Bee, in a world separate from the pony one originally. (So for their part of the lore of love bats, go ask them!)

The og lore is they're a semi-demonic species, more accuratley a subspecies of succubi/inccubi that mixed with hell bats, or bat monsters. They're catagorized by how easy (and dangerous) it is for them to fall in love. They're loving partners, and often most of them are dormant yandere's. (They'll kill for their partner if someone is threatening them/hurting them in any way) this is a double edged sword though. If one were to break up with a love bat for any reason, they can mentally snap in two ways. 1. They slowly deteriorate, and without counseling and support, they die from heartbreak. (Some are self ending)

2. They go crazy from the heartbreak, and kill their former lover and, usually themselves shortly after. (if they're not arrested for murder)

Its rare for this to happen, (Because they're naturally wonderful partners) But it is a risk. They're fiercely protective, and sometimes a little possesive over their mate(s). But they're just very in love, and don't ever want to lose it. (Because they could die or go insane if they do)

In the pony world, they're adapted into a subspecies of Bat Pony. They're under the fruit bat ponies, even though they can (and occasionally do) eat meat/insects/fish. But, fruit is their main food source. They're also prime targets for love starved changelings, because of the intense amount of love they emit. (Most changeling/love bat relationships work wonderfully as eventually the changeling will have mutual love to sustain them)

All the species rules mostly still apply. Dormant yandere, will die/go insane if their partner breaks their heart, and very protective of their chosen mate(s). The best way to find out more is to ask them (Lucious and Nexa) directly! But like I said, Bee created this species to, so they can corroborate/correct anything I may have said and/or forgot. 🍫-Mod Mocha

@may-bee-its-just-me/@lemon-sugarcoats-nothing

[writingideasforus]

VAMPIRE WORLD BUILDING

-VAMPIRE LORE

The Upside Down was once home to the fifteen Original vampires. As portals and gates into the Upside Down opened, humans came and and vampires came out. Hawkins PD, local, and state government all came to an agreement that Hawkins would house vampires. There are different laws that apply to them. Most elder vampires live in the Upside Down. Vampires are unaffected by Holy Water and crosses. Garlic in large quantities can poison them, but the truest way to kill them is with a silver dagger or wooden stake. (None of this applies to Original vampires. No one knows how to kill them.) Daylight can burn and kill vampires, but daylight rings do exist if you manage to get ahold of a witch. Vampire blood can often be used as a drug, which has similar effects to Ecstasy or K. If taken frequently it can freeze your aging. Once vampire blood is consumed directly from a vampire rather than a vial or blood bag you are directly linked to the source. You tend to have a deeper emotional connection and they can sense your feelings and emotions. You also connect sexually, which results in frequent wet dreams about your source. To turn you must have vampire blood in your system when killed. Their venom is what causes the high and what infects you. Another way to turn is if a vampire feeds off of you soon after death. Original vampires have powers, although there are only rumors about what they could be. Vampires can compel humans, but only humans. They are usually more keen to emotions, especially humans they are bonded to. Synthetic blood exists, but vampires who feed from humans are stronger. When severely injured physically or from silver/wood a vampire can only heal from human blood. A werewolf bite can kill a vampire. There is a drug vampires can use to become high, similar to the effect their blood has on humans. It is unethically sourced (we won’t discuss exactly how it’s unethical. It’s gross.) Also, demobats can claim a vampire in the Upside Down. It’s unusual to be claimed if you’re earthbound.

-WEREWOLF LORE

To become a werewolf you must be bitten on a full moon, or you must be born into it. The bite doesn’t always take, especially from a baby wolf. If a human doesn’t take to a bite, the infection takes over your body and it takes a few days to die. A/B/O dynamics apply to werewolves only, not if an alpha’s mate is human. They will still have ruts, but that’s all. Ruts usually include a fever and viagra like symptoms. They won’t feel at peace until they’ve marked their mate, which makes ruts painful for unmated alphas. During a rut they can have similar feelings as vampires, where their mate’s blood smells different and all consuming to them. This can happen sometimes with people they feel intense attraction to outside of being mates. Werewolves age to 21 and stop until they’ve completed their mate bond. Once a mate bond is completed both mates will age together. If a werewolf’s mate is killed by anything other than old age the werewolf will either die from heartbreak or they will slowly lose their sanity. A vampire bite will kill a wolf unless they consume vampire blood to heal them. They are weakened by wolfsbane but completely useless if touched by silver.

-CHARACTERS

-Steve Harrington

Alpha werewolf who hasn’t found his mate yet. Most everyone he once knew has aged beyond him or become an enemy, and he feels like his clock is ticking. Him and Eddie are sworn enemies.

-Gareth Emerson

Also an alpha. He used to be close to Eddie in high school but grew apart once Eddie turned. There’s a weird, angry tension between the two of them that neither of them know how to address. He is also unmated. Sworn enemies with Billy.

-Robin Buckley

Human, but is aligned with the supernatural. She’s sort of the neutral ground when it comes to supernatural and human alignment.

-Billy Hargrove

Human turned vampire after his soul was trapped in the upside down. He’s very cold when you first meet him, he doesn’t let many people in. He’s close with Argyle and Eddie, but that’s about as big as he keeps his circle. Max and him have a complicated relationship, given their supernatural statuses.

-Argyle

Human turned vampire. He fell in love with Eden at a vampire club in the Upside Down, and let her turn him. She was over the excitement of being with a human once he was turned and dumped him.

-Eddie Munson

-Jonathan Byers

Human, he’s married to Nancy Wheeler. She was turned in 1988 but Jonathan is aging daily.

-Tommy Hagan/Carol Perkins

Vampire hunters, it’s illegal to hunt in Hawkins but outside of city limits is free reign.

-Barbara Holland

Vampire turned in the upside down. She’s an unapologetic reaper, tends to completely maul humans. Best advice from humans and vampires is to steer clear.

-Eden Bingham

Local vampire slut, known to only go after fang bangers but gets a thrill from home wrecking

-Chrissy Cunningham/Jason Carver

Omega and alpha respectively. Jason tends to try to rile vampires up as an excuse to kill them. Chrissy is typically sweet, but if she targets you she’s a raging bitch.

-Henry Creel

Nicknamed One or Caedmon, he still resides in the Upside Down. He runs The Coffin Nail, and most of the vampire government and politics.

-Victor Creel

Often referred to as patient zero, he is the Original. His son, Henry, is referred to as One. He is the creator of all vampires and created the other fourteen Originals.

-Keith

Local vampire conspiracy theorist. (Has a daylight ring but is human???) No one pays him much mine but he’s there. He’s usually stoned, but he’s there.

-Nancy Wheeler

Turned in 1988, married Jonathan in 1990. She’s able to hide her condition and they live in Chicago. They visit, but not often.

-Max Mayfield

Incredibly intimidating vampire that resides in the Upside Down. We don’t see her much but when we do she tends to ruin the mood.

-Will Byers

The fifteenth Original. He fell off the face of the earth in 1996 and no one has heard from him since.

-Erica Sinclair

Is her original human age, hates vampires with a passion, but we don’t know why. She won’t speak of it.

-Jane Hopper/Eleven

The eleventh Original. Was brought earthbound from the upside down and she was adopted by Joyce and Jim.

-Dustin Henderson/Suzie Bingham

Married, human. Suzie is a bible thumper and hates vampires but Dustin is very whatever about it. He still visits his supernatural friends even though he’s moved to Utah.

-Jim Hopper

Chief of police since 1979. He takes vials of his wife Joyce’s blood daily but no one can exactly prove that. He is unwilling to be fully turned since vampires cannot hold government positions. He’s hooked on the high, and reaps the benefit of not aging.

-Joyce Byers

Hopper’s vampire wife. She was turned in 1990 by Nancy Wheeler after a bad car accident. Local vampire mom, most of the vampires look to her as a mother figure.

-Murray Bauman

Local supernatural encyclopedia. He knows everyone and knows about everything. He moved from Illinois to Hawkins after the peace treaty with the vampires.

-PLACES

The Wasted Prayer

The Coffin Nail

[jacks-obsessions]

Angst you say? The complete and utter heartbreak of the pillarmen when their dear human becomes old and start forgetting things.

First, the human misplaced things like keys or mugs. Then, they forget about dates and birthdays. Sometimes they struggle to remember the pillarmen's names. The human refuses to be turned into a vampire, it's too late anyway.

And they all need to come to terms with the inevitable death of their beloved. They are so powerful yet unable to save one person. And how they would cope with it? Would they go into hibernation to forget about this? Would they try to find a replacement? Would they just despise the rest of the humankind for they are too fragile?

I’m going to combine these asks

Since you're in the mood for angst.

The pillar men being forced to watch as their S/O grows old. Realizing that they can't live forever so they try to spend time with them.

Kars

It makes him feel sick to think that the one thing he loves will die before him

But he decides to view you as a fleeting beauty that only he has

You are his everything and he is hell-bent on showing you that

No day goes by with him reminding you of his love for you

If he has to watch you grow old, so be it, as long as you are with him he’ll be happy

You're his rose and even as you grow old he'll still find the beauty in you

Though he can't deny how much it hurts when you go through bouts of not recognizing him

He will go through photo albums with you, and seeing your face light up with recognition makes him feel better

And if you no longer remember him you'll often tell him about your husband that looked exactly like him and say he must be related to him

Even if you don't recognize him you remember him and that's all he needs

Once you pass he's at peace with the world

He knew this would happen and yet he doesn't regret a single thing, he will always remember you and that's good enough for him

He like the others will never try or even think of finding another mate, as Pillarmen mate for life

He'll most likely roam the world for the rest of his days, he celebrates your life on your birthday and the day you died

Esidisi

At first he thinks it's funny when you lose things that are right in front of you but then it dawns on him

It's like he sees the effects of you being human for the first time

He does everything he can to help you

He tries to cheer you up when you can't help but think of how you'll be the first to die

He hides the fact that he cries at night while watching you sleep

He showers you with even more affection than usual, always telling you he loves you

Encourages you to dress how you want no matter your age, as you'll forever be the most beautiful thing in the world to him

But that doesn't stop you from losing your memory and your body from failing

But that doesn't matter to him, he's there the whole way, wherever you go he'll follow

He tears up when you fondly talk about your husband that looked like him and all of the wild things you did together

When you pass he's deviated even though he knew this would happen it still hurt

And knowing he wouldn't ever be able to replace you he'll go into hibernation because then he can dream of you

Wamuu

He always knew it would happen but seeing you lose yourself makes him want to somehow fix you

He does everything he can to make you comfortable

Santana

He makes sure to help you remember things, he tries to hide how much he worries, and he tells you everything will be fine

But he can't help but notice how you get worse

He wishes there was something he could do, but he knows better

So he'll cherish the time he has with you

He can't stand the days you don't recognize him and he hates how weak you've become

He's so scared you'll just fall apart one day

He dreads the day you die, he's not sure how he'll go on without you

And even if you've accepted it he just can't

You gave him something other than fighting to care about

He'll sit with you and listen to you ramble about your husband and how much you missed him

When you pass he's lost

At some point he finds himself resenting humanity, you being the on exception

He'll dig his heels in and push himself as far as his body will allow

Only stop when exhaustion becomes to much

He enjoys the dreams he has of you and depending on his mood he'll either wake up happy or extremely depressed

He honors your memory every day

He refuses to acknowledge it

He never thought that he'd care about a human in the first place so this is really hard on him

He goes for as long as he can denying it, until it's obvious you're losing things that you wouldn't before

He sometimes leaves for long periods of time it's to much for him to handle at times

But once your memory starts to go he doesn't leave you by yourself

He's so mad that he can't do anything

Hearing you talk about how much you miss your husband and his funny habits rips his heart out

He wants you to recognize him but you don't and there is nothing he can do

After you pass he doesn't leave your grave until he's forcibly removed, he doesn't even have the will to fight

He still visits your grave every day and stays there all day

The people who own the grave yard end up hiring him to keep the graveyard clean and dig graves

Part of him hates humanity but the other part knows that without it he would never have you

In exchange he got to stay on the property as long as he wanted

He only leaves to eat and sleeps at your grave

[horansqueen]

Stuck With You - Chapter 14

Chapter 14: I Really Like You

🡪chapter 1  🡪chapter 2  🡪chapter 3  🡪chapter 4  🡪chapter 5  🡪chapter 6   🡪chapter 7  🡪chapter 8  🡪chapter 9  🡪chapter 10  🡪chapter 11 🡪chapter 12 🡪chapter 13

College Enemies To Lovers AU

characters // masterlist // instagrams // mood board

I really wanna stop, but I just got the taste for it I feel like I could fly with the boy on the moon So, honey, hold my hand, you like making me wait for it I feel like I could die walking up to the room, oh yeah

It's way too soon, I know this isn't love

I really, really, really, really, really, really like you And I want you, do you want me, do you want me, too? I really, really, really, really, really, really like you And I want you, do you want me, do you want me, too?

It's like everything you say is a sweet revelation All I wanna do is get into your head Yeah, we could stay alone, you and me in this temptation Sipping on your lips, hanging on by thread, baby

Who gave you eyes like that? Said you could keep them I don't know how to act Or if I should be leaving I'm running out of time Going out of my mind I need to tell you something 

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                                              The text message I got of Niall telling me to join him to his car made something stir in my stomach. I rushed to the bathroom to look at myself one last time in the mirror, getting on my tiptoe and pulling on my shirt slightly before quickly running out of the building. I heard the honk of a car and it made my heart jump so high in my chest that I thought I was about to throw it up. It's only when I got closer that I noticed he was not alone. There was a guy in the backseat, and the girl sitting nesxt to Niall was the same girl I found laying beneath him the other day. My smile faltered and I suddenly felt nervous but Niall moved his upper body closer to the wheel to look at me by the window.

"Hey Devie, you ready?"

I glanced at Mandy before looking back at him, sending him a shy smile. I hadn't expected to be stuck in Niall's car with two strangers but I was new to this school and if I wanted to get to know people, I knew I had to make efforts.

"Mmhm." I replied, taking a seat next to the guy who sent me a short nod.

"Okay, so. Devon, this is Mandy and her brother, Noah."

Mandy quickly turned around to take a look at me and sent me a smile. "We've met." she pointed out with a chuckle. "Sorry for the other day, I was a bit embarrassed to be caught naked."

My lips parted slightly and my breath caught in my throat. I sort of expected her to be an ass with me but the sincere smile she was sending me made me feel slightly guilty for thinking wrong of her just because she slept with Niall.

"No, it's cool, I should have knocked."

She laughed again, turning to look at Niall. "No, it's your room too." she corrected me. "It's Niall's fault, he should have told you."

"Sure, go ahead, pin it on me, i've got broad shoulders." he chuckled, glancing at her and making my heart drop in my chest.

Did he ever look at me like that? Was that feelings I saw in his eyes? And why did it even matter if he had feelings for her? I looked down and licked my lips, coming to the realization that it mattered because I liked Niall. I really really really liked Niall. Fuck.

"Everyone makes mistakes, Niall." Mandy joked, tapping his thigh gently. "You're forgiven, right Dev?"

I looked up and blinked a few times when she said my name and pressed my lips together. She was sending me an amused smile and I tried to smile back at her.

"O-Of course."

I felt something stir in my stomach and my eyes met Niall's in his rearview mirror. His gaze changed slowly into a fond look and my lips curled slightly more until he blinked a few times and glanced down. I looked down too only to see Mandy's hand gripping his thigh a bit harder. She moved one of her legs up, putting her foot on the bench before leaning her head against the bench, still looking at him.

She was pretty. She was much prettier than I always would be and I was well aware of that, and I just closed my eyes, trying to think about something else.

"So Devon. " I heard, making my eyes flutter open again. "What are you studying in?"

I turned to look at Noah and sent him a small smile. "Oh, art." I replied in a low tone. "Mostly painting and drawing."

"So, you want to be a painter? That's bold." Noah replied, running his hand in his blonde hair. "I'm all for following your dreams but do you have a plan B?"

"Yea, I'd like to work in a museum, maybe. Restoring historical works of art seems... very amazing." I explain, a bigger smile appearing on my lips.

"Devon doesn't need a plan B." Niall quickly replied, glancing again in his mirror. "She's super talented, she'll be a famous painter someday."

I felt my heart jump again in my chest and pressed my lips together as I tried not to smile too much. It was a bit funny since I was pretty sure Niall had never seen anything I had painted before, but I still appreciated the comment for a reason I ignored. Perhaps because it showed that he was not totally indifferent to me and knowing that he was ready to defend me on something like that made me feel special.

Of course, I knew that concretely, Noah was right : I would probably not end up being a famous painter and certainly wouldn't be able to live a decent life with the money of a few (if even) paintings sold, but it was okay, because I didn't want my biggest passion to turn into a job. I wanted it to remain a passion and a hobby, something I could do to let out all my feelings, something that would make me feel better after a long day or after a heartbreak. I needed painting like I needed to breathe and I didn't want to end up hating it. Obviously, sometimes it was frustrating when I wanted to pain something and it didn't turn out exactly how I had imagined, but It was different than making a job out of it and disliking it to the point of not wanting to do it anymore. If I lost my passion for painting, I knew I would lose a part of me.

It only took a minute of two before Niall parked his car and we quickly got out. I followed them to the entrance and we hopped in an elevator to reach the fourth floor. We could hear the music from the hall and I started feeling so nervous I had to wipe my hands on the back of my jeans. When I looked up, I met Niall's gaze who frowned as he mouthed 'are you okay?' and I just nodded, sending him a small smile.

I was not really okay but at the same time, i didn't want him to feel like he had to take care of me, scared that he'd never invite me again. The only thing that made me feel better was to notice that Mandy and Niall were not holding hands, or even remotely close to each other. I sort of had expected it but realizing I was wrong made me feel less stupid for accepting to go to this party.

The door opened and a whiff of cigarette and weed smell reached us. I was too busy staring at the guy in front of us, a large smile on his lips, as he greeted us with open arms.

"Niall!"

"Hey, Lewis."

They hugged and when Niall pulled away, Lewis turned to me. I didn't know why but I sent him a smile as his lips curled slightly into a smirk. "Devon, it's nice to meet you."

I frowned, a bit surprised that he knew my name, but kept a smile on my lips. Niall probably had talked about me before and since I was most likely the only one he didn't know, he probably guessed it was me, but it was still a bit intriguing.

"Oh, uhm, you too."

I was about to hold out my hand but he took a step closer and pulled me into a hug. His hoodie smelled nice and I chuckled, hugging him back.

"Okay, free drinks in the kitchen." Lewis let out when he pulled away. "You smoke your own shit though I don't pay for that."

Niall walked past him, putting his hand on Lewis' cheek and tapping it gently. "How nice of you mate."

I followed Niall to the kitchen and realized Noah and Mandy had left. I stood behind him as he searched for something specific (or it seemed) and when he turned around to me again, his gaze met mine immediately.

"No best way to get drunk than with vodka."

I chuckled and frowned, finding some space on the counter and pushing myself up to sit on it. Niall's smile faltered a bit and his eyes roamed on me before turning around to grab glasses and filled them. He walked closer to me and I looked slightly down at him, taking the cup he was handing me. He clinked his glass against mine, the plastic of his barely making any sound as it hit mine, and took a long sip. I watched him and did the same, grimacing as the liquor left a burning sensation down my throat.

"So. uhm, are you moving out?" he asked casually before drinking more from his glass.

"I tried but I'm on a waiting list, sorry."

"No, no I think you should stay."

I waited until his eyes met mine and quickly, he shrugged and looked away. "I mean, we can just text each other when we have someone over. I'm sure it can work."

I felt my heart ache suddenly and lost my smile, looking down in my glass and shrugging a shoulder. What did I expect? Niall was clearly not going to admit he was in love with me and then tell me he'd never have sex with any other girl because he loved me too much! Then why did this scenario made my heart thump in my chest?

"Maybe. I don't know."

We remained silent for a few seconds and I felt him move closer to me, his lower stomach brushing slightly against my knees as a wave of warmth invaded me.

"Come on, I'll present you some people if you want."

"Mmhm."

He moved away and I jumped off the counter as an idea popped into my head. It was stupid and probably impossible but It was worth a try.

"Niall?" I asked, making him turn around and raise his eyebrows. "Maybe... your friend Lewis would need a roommate?"

His facial expression changed from confused to surprised but when his lips opened again, I couldn't really tell how he felt about my idea. It was probably a bad one anyway. I didn't know Lewis much and I was not even sure I could afford half of the rent, but if Niall wanted to get rid of me, maybe he could help me see if it was even remotely possible.

"Y-You want to live here? With Lewis?"

I shrugged as he took a step closer to me and I tilted my head. "I mean, maybe? It would be a solution. Just until they find a room for me in the girls' building. That way you can get your room back."

"But I don't-" he replied quickly, cutting himself and letting out a sigh as he closed his eyes. "I think it's a bad idea, Dev."

It took a few seconds but he opened his eyes back. They met mine and I sent him a sad smile, shrugging a shoulder. "Alright."

It was true, I didn't know much about his friend, but he gave me a good first impression and I thought Niall would jump on the occasion to get his room back if only to be able to invite Mandy (or any other girl) whenever he wanted to.

I followed him to the living room as someone handed me a beer and everyone started talking. After a while, I got up and left to go to the bathroom and when I got out, I walked past Lewis, sending him a small smile.

"Thanks for inviting me, by the way." I let out politely as I kept walking.

"Hey Devon!"

I turned around and he sent me a bigger smile. "You having fun?" he asked, his accent thicker than I expected.

"Oh, yes." I let out with a smile. "I'm surprised Niall invited me."

This time, Lewis laughed a bit. "I'm not."

I frowned for half a second and finally licked my lips, walking back slowly to him and shaking my head. "Look, this is going to sound so weird and, don't feel bad to say no but, wouldn't you be looking for a roommate?"

His smile fell slightly and his eyes roamed on my face, and it made me realize that he was quite pretty and I was not sure how I felt about it. He seemed a bit speechless though and I realized that I probably made him uncomfortable.

"Forget it," I added, shaking my head, taking a step back. "It was just something that crossed my mind."

"No, Devon, it's just..." he replied with a sigh as I was leaving. "Let's just say if I said yes, Niall would kill me."

I chuckled and rolled my eyes, shaking my head a bit. "I highly doubt that."

"Dev, trust me. I know what I'm talking about."

I frowned and it only made his lips curl as he raised his eyebrows before turning around and locking himself in the bathroom. I remained there, motionless and lost in my thoughts for a few seconds, and finally breathed in deeply and walked back to the living room. This time, I stopped completely breathing when I noticed Mandy was sitting next to Niall, her legs placed on his lap and one of her arms wrapped around one of his.

I felt a wave of nausea wash over me but swallowed hard. I knew it was only jealousy but it was enough to make me want to leave immediately. I licked my lips and took big breath, trying to get back to my senses. I couldn't just rush out and leave without an explanation and I couldn't tell Niall I left because the girl he has sex with was all over him. Just thinking about it sounded ridiculous and I walked back to them, taking a seat on the floor, in front of the coffee table. Niall glanced at me and his lips curled slightly on the left. Could he tell it was bothering me?

Everyone started playing beer pong but with vodka and I watched them swallow the content of their glasses with a smile. I was not very good with drinking and could easily get drunk but I still enjoyed looking at them. Lewis came back after a while and handed me a beer. I thanked him as he sat next to me and when I turned back to Niall, he was looking at his friend with a frown. My eyes dropped to Mandy's legs still placed on his lap and I just pressed my lips together, trying to ignore it.

About half an hour later, I was leaning on the table, trying not to let my thoughts wonder too much. I looked at Niall who was laughing so hard he had tears in his eyes and watching him being so drunk reminded me of one of the first days we met. He was drunk and had tried to show me his cock. Now, I was a bit scared he was going to show it to someone else. The thought of his half-hard dick pressed against me as he kissed me made my inner thighs throb again and I held my breath. I would never get over that.

"Mandy, you're definitely cheating!" Noah let out a bit too loud, moving his chin in his sister's direction. "That's fucking water, innit?"

"You're just pissed because I can hold my drink better than you!"

"Don't even try, you've cheated before!" Noah insisted.

I stared at the scene with my eyebrows raised, noticing that I was myself getting a bit too tipsy but it was clearly nothing compared to them.

"Want a proof that this isn't water?" Mandy asked, getting a bit mad.

"Yes!"

I didn't expect it at all when she turned around quickly and crashed her mouth against Niall's, quickly deepening the kiss as she held the back of his head to make sure he wouldn't move. I felt my heart shatter in my chest as an image of them having sex on his bed crawled back in my thoughts.

Everyone started yelling and laughing except me. I was not tipsy. I was drunk off my ass. How many drinks did I have? I couldn't count, but I knew it was partially why my eyes were filling up with tears at that exact moment. I was not dating Niall and I was well aware that he and Mandy were fuck buddies, so why did I become so emotional from them kissing? I was pissed but most of all, I was pissed at myself for letting something like that get to me again.

I had admitted to myself that I liked Niall and even if I knew it was unrequited, I was clearly not okay with watching him kiss someone else. Where did my resolution to do anything I could to hate him go? What the fuck was I doing?

I held my breath as they kissed, not able to let air fill my lungs, but it seemed like that kiss would never end and after a while, I put my beer on the table and got up. It was only when I reached for the elevator that I allowed tears to fall down my cheeks.

"Fuck off." I whispered to no one as the doors opened and I walked in, turning around to lean against the wall.

And I saw him. I saw Niall, getting out of the apartment and looking around himself until he saw me, and my lips parted.

"DEVON!"

The doors started closing just as he started running but I remained motionless, wondering if the doors would close before he could reach the elevator.

"Devon wait!" he let out, sliding his arm between the doors and making them open again. "Devie."

I let my eyes roam up and down on him, my mouth still half opened. He finally stepped foot in the elevator but remained standing up in front of me as the doors finally closed behind him. We started going down and he shook his head slightly.

"Devie, why are you leaving?"

I frowned, ready to throw at him everything that was actually wrong with him and not even feeling bad about it because of how intoxicated I was but I didn't have time: the power seemed to go off, the lights flickered and the elevator stopped.

[cocos-cocoapuffsarenotforsale]

His Little Witch~~Part 8

MASTERLIST

Part 7

Main Pairing: Tom Riddle x Reader

Background Pairings: Harry Potter x Ginny Weasley, Ron Weasley x Hermione Granger, Luna Lovegood x Neville Longbottom, James Potter x Lily Potter, Draco Malfoy x Pansy Parkinson

Tags: SMUT, Swearing, Controlling!Tom Riddle, Controlling Relationship, Canon-Typical Violence, Possessive Tom Riddle, Soulmates, AU, CANON DIVERGENCE, Minister of Magic Tom Riddle, Out of Character Tom Riddle, nice Tom Riddle, Dumbledore and Tom get along, sane Tom Riddle

Taglist: @chewymoustachio, @peachsnyder138, @marvelous-glims, @ingeniouscollectionthing, @thedarkshiningknight

A/N: Special thanks to @thedarkshiningknight for reaching out to me and inspiring me to continue this story. As of now I am planning on writing 12 parts though it could be more. Love you all so much and I hope you guys like this new update!

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“C’mon guys, just a quick visit. An hour at most.” You were currently trying, unsuccessfully, to convince James and Sirius to let you visit Hogwarts.

“Y/n, you can’t even leave the grounds. Tom made sure of that with that bracelet,” Sirius huffs annoyed.

“You guys are telling me you can’t figure out how to get it off? Really losing your touch eh Padfoot, Prongs?” Ok, you were trying to goad them into helping you but it had been six days. Six days of being locked up in the manor. Tom hadn’t been home yet but he had sent Lily and Remus to tutor you for the time being. Lily and Remus had been staying with you as well, not wanting to be away from their mates for too long.

“Nice try Y/L/N,” James says pointing an accusing finger at you. “But you are not going to suck us into this. We know better.”

“You damn well better,” Remus mutters as he enters the room. “If you two help her, the Minister will have your necks.” 

“Don’t worry about us, babe. We aren’t gonna be tricked by a rebellious eighteen-year-old.” Sirius boasts cockily. Remus shakes his head, not quite as sure of that as Sirius was. Sirius tugs Remus down on his lap and nuzzles into his face into Remus’s neck.

“Get a room you two,” you grumble. You normally didn’t mind their affectionate displays but after being away from Tom this long you were getting grumpy.

“Aww, don’t get grumpy just cause you haven’t gotten any lately,” Sirius teases, causing you to throw your book at him. He flicks it away with a chuckle.

“Nice try, love,” he chuckles, only irritating you further. You huff and stomp out of the kitchen and towards your room. You had to find a way out of this house.

“Y/n, you ok?” You heard Lily ask as she trailed behind you. You fling yourself down on the bed as soon as you enter your room, frustrated at the whole situation.

“No, I haven’t seen Tom in six days and he’s off hunting some maniac. We haven’t been apart for this long since we found out about each other. One day is hard enough but it’s been 6 days and no word. Just a couple of check-ins with Percy in the fireplace.” You grumble into your pillow.

“I know sweetie, James, and I haven’t been apart for more than a week since we found out we were mates. And that week was hell.” Lily replies softly, rubbing a hand up and down your back like your mom used to do when you were upset. 

“Why were you apart for that long?” You ask, turning to look at her and wiping the tears from your eyes.

“It was the last time Gavin Grindelwald went on a rampage, Harry was little and they needed all hands on deck, even then James and Sirius were Minister Riddle’s right hands. So he had to go with the Minister and his guard to try and hunt Grindelwald down. It took them seven days to catch him that time, and then he escaped a couple of years ago. They couldn’t track him down that time, and now he’s back.” Lily lets out a shaky breath and you can see her hands are trembling a little.  

“Lily? Are you alright?” You ask, reaching out and putting your hand on her shoulder.

“It’s just he vowed revenge on all those who caught him last time, mainly Minister Riddle but James and Sirius too. To be honest I’m a little relieved they aren’t out there this time. But then I remember how much of a target-” she stops herself remembering who she’s talking to. Her cheeks turn bright red in embarrassment. 

“Then you remember how much of a target Tom is and by extension I am. And your husband and best friend are responsible for protecting me.” You finish for her. Her face immediately turns apologetic. 

“Y/n, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you.” She says softly.

“It’s ok, I know I’m a target. I’m sorry that James and Sirius have been assigned to me. I don’t want anyone to get hurt.” You whisper as more tears well up in your eyes. You couldn’t stand it if James and Sirius were hurt because of you. How would you ever look Harry in the eyes again? And if something happened to Tom, especially if he was protecting you…

You would die of heartbreak.

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“Little Witch,” you awake to Tom’s hushed voice.

“Tom?!” You ask excitedly as you open your eyes to find him leaning over you.

“Hey love,” he whispers, placing a soft kiss on your lips.

“When did you get back?”

“Just now, I’m sorry I woke you, I just missed you so much.”

“I missed you too Tom. I’m glad you woke me,” you sit up and wrap your arms around Tom’s neck.

“Did you catch him?” You ask after a moment, Tom stiffens at your question and that’s all the answer you need.

“Not yet. But the first task is tomorrow and I have to be there to keep up appearances. We don’t want people to start freaking out. And I missed you. I’ve got the best people on it.” He assures you, nuzzling his face into your hair, and inhaling your scent.

“Except for James and Sirius,” you grumble under your breath.

“They have a much more important task, you.” He replies placing a quick kiss on your nose before standing up and heading towards the bathroom.

“Where do you think you’re going, Minister?” You ask suggestively. 

“Well, darling, I’ve been working for nearly six days straight and I haven’t had time to shower. So I thought before I crawl into bed with my lovely mate I’d better get cleaned up.”

“Why don’t I help you?” You walk over to him and slowly start unbuttoning his dress shirt.

“I would love that, my Little Witch.” He replies moving his hands onto your hips. He quickly pulls your shirt over your head and throws it onto the floor.

“No magic?” You ask as you slid his shirt off his shoulders.

“Sometimes the muggle way is fun,” he whispers against your lips. You hurriedly undo his pants and he kicks them along with his boxers off to the side. He fingers the top of your pants and slowly eases them and your panties off. 

“My beautiful girl,” he whispers as he places soft kisses along your inner thighs.

“Tom,” you plead, breathless.

“Yes, Little Witch?” He scoops you into his arms and carries you to the shower stall. He switches the water on before testing the temperature. Once he has determined it to be satisfactory he sets you down in the shower.

“Tom, need you,” you whimper, he backs you against the shower wall and lifts you up by your ass.

“Where do you need me, Little Witch?” Tom asks as he grazes your pussy with his hard cock.

“Tom, please,” you beg as he twists your already pebbled nipples.

“Where, love?” He asks with another brush of his cock along the lips of your glistening pussy.

“My pussy. Please, Tom. Please fuck me,” You plead, making him smirk in triumph.

“Anything for you mate,” he mutters as he lines himself up with you. In one quick motion, he thrust himself into you making you gasp at the sensation.

“Tom,” you let out a low moan causing him to growl as he nips at your neck. His deep and hard thrusts build your pleasure and push you to the brink.

“Cum for me Little Witch,” he commands in a gruff voice. You allow yourself to give in to the pleasure and let yourself come apart around him. He groans, feeling you tighten around him and he finally releases his seed into you. He stays inside you until he begins to soften and then he gently eases out and sets you down carefully.

“That was quite the welcome home, Little Witch,” he teases, walking under the stream of water.

“I missed you a lot. And it’s not as though I had much else to do,” you grumble, remembering that you were supposed to be mad at him.

“We talked about this already,” he huffs, rubbing shampoo in his hair. 

“No, you talked about it, and ignored everything I was saying.” You move to help him rinse out his shampoo. You may still be pissed at him but you couldn’t resist touching him after being apart for so long. Stupid fucking mate bond, you think to yourself annoyed.

“Love, I did listen, I just disagreed. I’m not going to let you put yourself in danger,” he replies as he squirts some shampoo into his palm and motions for you to turn around. You comply and he gently massages it into your hair.

“Hogwarts is one of the safest places in the world,” you argue, switching places with Tom to condition his hair for him after he rinsed the conditioner out of yours.

“Yet you’ve sustained how many injuries there? And the Manor is safer, when I created that bracelet for you I also made sure you were added to the wards, the Manor will protect you. That’s why I prefer you to remain inside while Gavin Grindelwald is still at large. The grounds are protected but it’s safer inside the Manor.” He explains as he gently massages conditioned into your hair. You try to think of a good response while you both rinse out your hair and step out of the shower, but you draw a blank. Dammit, why did he have to make good points?

“I’m not a prisoner, it’s not fair to keep me locked up,” you reply tugging on your silk bathrobe.

“No, you aren’t a prisoner. But you are my mate and that makes you a target for my enemies. I will do whatever it takes to protect you, even if it pisses you off. I’d rather have you hate me and be alive than love me and be dead,” He whispers in a pained voice. And that’s when you remember what you had heard about his past. Tom’s father abandoned his mother when he found out she was a witch and in her heartbreak, she ended up dying right after giving birth to Tom. Tom had been raised in an orphanage that was overrun with children and never really received much love. Then it had taken him 20 years to find his soulmate, someone he could love and be loved by.

“Tom, I could never hate you,” you place a soft kiss on his lips and wrap your arms around his neck.

“I can’t lose you,” he whispers as his grip on you tightens.

“You won’t,” you promise, nuzzling your face into his neck.

“So can I go to the first task tomorrow?” You ask, making him groan in annoyance.

“Of course, why not? It’s not like there is a psychotic maniac out there who tortures people for fun and has a vendetta against me and anyone I care about.” He replies sarcastically.

“So it’s a yes?” You ask playing dumb as you pull away to get a better look at his face.

“No, absolutely not. We still haven’t caught him. He’s planning something big, and it could easily be happening tomorrow. It’s the first task in the Triwizard Tournament, he knows I have to be there, there will be a large crowd, parents, students, teachers and other citizens. It’s the perfect target. I will not have you go there and be put in danger.” He argues.

“Tom, I’ll be fine, I’ll be with you. There’s gonna be plenty of security measures in place. It’s probably safer for me to be there with you and tons of Aurors than stuck at home with only James and Sirius. Plus Harry’s competing tomorrow, I have to be there and so do James and Sirius.” You plead, looks like this argument was going to be harder to win than you thought.

“No, no. I can’t put you at risk like that. I will not lose you too. Not when I finally found you.” He says harshly, his jaw tightening.

“You aren’t going to lose me. I’ll be fine Tommy. Please.” You beg, throwing him your signature puppy dog face. 

“As adorable as you look, you aren’t going to win this with a puppy dog face.” He says smirking at your childish attempt at making him change his mind. Alright, time to switch tactics then.

“What about this?” You ask sliding your silk, black bathrobe off your shoulder and showing off more cleavage.

“Nice try, that isn’t going to work either.” He chuckles, we’ll see who’s laughing in a couple of minutes…

“Alright,” you pretend to give up.

“What?” He asks confused. You ignore him and turn around before shrugging off your robe and slowly sliding it off. You walk over to the bed before climbing onto it and laying down in the middle. Putting yourself on full display for Tom.

“I said alright. Sex isn’t going to convince you to let me go tomorrow.” You say, gently running your hands over your breasts, flicking your nipples softly. You see Tom straighten up and watch you carefully.

“Need some help there, Little Witch?” He asks confidently.

“No thanks. You didn’t want sex,” you reply, running your right hand down your stomach and cupping your pussy.

“No, I said that sex wouldn’t convince me to put you in danger tomorrow.” He argued.

“Well, since I don’t get to have any fun, ugh,” you moan as you rub your clit, “then you don’t get to have any fun.” 

“C’mon love, don’t be like that,” he groans and you can see him hardening at your moans. 

“All you have to do is say yes Tommy,” you tease, spreading your legs wider to give him a better view of you.

“No, love, I won’t say yes.” He argues but you hear his voice crack when you let another moan.

“Then neither will I.” You tease, sliding your index finger into your pussy slowly. “Aw, Tommy please, just say yes. Then we both can get what we want. Please Tommy say yes.” You beg. You see his guard falling.

“Fine, but you stay by my side the entire time understood?” He relents.

“Yes Tom, I understand.” You agree.

“Now can I help you take care of your problem?” He asks, eyeing your pussy hungrily.

“Yes Tommy,” you whisper breathlessly. He is on you in a second, sliding into you just as quickly. His thrusts are slow and deep, teasing you as you had just teased him. 

“Faster Tommy, please,” you beg. He shakes his head, his face breaking out into a smirk.

“Not yet love,” he says before capturing one of your nipples in his mouth. 

“Please Tommy,” you whimper as he rolls your other nipple between his thumb and forefinger. 

“Your wish is my command,” he replies before thrusting into you faster and harder.

He locks his lips with yours as he thrusts in and out of you, deep and hard. 

“Tom,” you moan as you near the edge.

“Let go, love, cum for me” he commands gently.

“Yes Tom, agh,” you groan as you give in to your release.

“Good girl,” he praises before he stiffens and shots hot jets of cum inside you. 

Once you both come down from your high he gently eases out of you and tucks you under his arm. He places a gentle kiss on your forehead and then buries his face in your hair. 

“I love you,” he whispers softly. 

“I love you too Tommy. Everything is gonna be ok.” 

“I can’t lose you Little Witch,” he mutters, his voice raw with emotion.

“You won’t Tom, I promise.”

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Part 9

[notnctu]

to jungwoo, my best friend ♡

To All The J’s I’ve Loved Before Series by notnctu ♡ kim jungwoo x reader ♡ genre - fluff  ♡ wc - 1.5k ♡ warnings - none   ♡ synopsis - in which you and your best friend form a pact ♡ taglist - @colpen​ ; @cestmoncoeur​ ; @hyucksberry​ ; @lexiluness​ ; @lovelycharm05​ ; @dearlyminhyung​ ; @classic-antifood​ ; @pikijaemin​ ; @whorefortaeyong​ ; @jaeismytamtation​ ; @skrtbeepbeep​ ; @justakpopstans​ ; @macaroni-sly​​ ; @neodreams06​​​ ; @sunflowerhae​​​ ; @bearboyunho​​​ ; @lxstinthxdream​ ; @lanadreamie​

♡ a/n: and this concludes the end of the series hehe thank you all who have kept up with it and expressed all your feedback!! we couldnt have asked for such a good turn out! pls look out for some future works :)) 

Jungwoo, 

This should not come as a surprise to me or you at all. At first, I thought you were just some dumb hall mate that was always dropping his shampoo bottle while his arms were filled with the rest of his shower necessities because he never bothered to buy a shower caddy. Two years later, and somehow, you haven’t found a new best friend to replace me yet. 

Remember our pact, the one we made almost a year ago? I’m sorry, but I broke it, not because I actually found another person worth breaking it for. I broke it because I realized some feelings I had been festering. So, I guess I’m not that tough after all.

I don’t even know if I love you, or even like you in that sense. But I know that I truly do value you in my life. Without you, I wouldn’t have anyone else to cry about midterms with, drink away the sorrow of failing grades, and even just eat lunch with. 

You just know me best. You know how I’m like and what I like. You tease and make fun of me all the time, but you’re always the first person that gives me a shoulder to cry on, motivate me to do my best, and cheer with me when I got my first internship. 

The small sparkles that blossom in my chest whenever you look me in the eyes must be temporary. It must be from your new hair cut and sudden sense of fashion. They’re only small subtle changes anyways.

Maybe a part of me does wonder what it would be like to date you. You already bring me so much joy as my best friend, how much happier could you make me as my boyfriend? 

But I think that my love for exceeds past wanting romance with you, but more so, for you. I am already thankful that you’re in my life, and I hope you continue to forever be in my life.

Instead of loving me more than you already do, I want you to find someone who will make you happy, who will love and cherish you in every way possible in the ways I can’t. 

I know I love you. You’re my best friend, and I wouldn’t change that for the world. 

-from your ride or die, y.n

“Jung Jaehyun?” Jungwoo exclaimed. “Are you an idiot? That’s her ex.” 

“Okay! Yes! I reali- ow!” Mark whines as your best friend hit his shoulder, knowing that scowling the boy was not enough.

“Hey it’s okay, it wasn’t even that bad.” You casually sip on your morning coffee. 

“You actually continued the date with him?” Jungwoo’s eyes widened, almost as big as bowling balls. 

“Yea, we’re friends,” You emphasize, “Especially since someone always leaves on the weekends and someone else is too popular and has many friends to attend to.”

Before Jungwoo can roll his eyes, Mark catches a glance of his watch, alarmed by the time being shown.

“Oh shit,” Mark hurriedly packs his things. “I’m late for class, I’ll see you guys during our two hour gap right?” You and Jungwoo nod in unison as you watch the rushed boy dash off towards the tall buildings.

Your best friend clears his throat, “so are you two planning on getting back together? I really thought you and that Jisung kid were going to hit it off. The guy looks at you with hearts in his eyes and attentive ears.” 

Scoffing, the morning sun is dazzling on Jungwoo’s eyes, nose, and lips. There is a brief moment of examination when you take in the change in his outfit choice, him wearing jeans instead of grey sweat shorts.

It’s almost as if Jungwoo styled his hair differently today as well, the part in his hair now sways slightly off the center. He looks good today, almost as if you were finding your platonic perspective on your best friend shifting to attraction.

Jungwoo peers over at you when you don’t answer his question and he waves a hand in your dazed face. With an immediate choke on your coffee, you snap out of it all.

“No! I told him we weren’t getting back together, as flirty as he always is. And Jisung,” an exasperated sigh draws from your lips, followed by a small pout, “the feelings I have for him are out of care, though I love spending time with him. Time just stops and we’re in our own little world, but to be together in the real world… it’s difficult for my heart to say.”

Jungwoo rolls his eyes at the poetry that endlessly spews from your mouth.

“Okay, Shakespeare. Don't worry, you’ll find someone to grant your ridiculous fairytale romance one day. And since I know you best, I’ll make sure that the person comes into your life riding on a majestic horse to sweep you off of your feet.” 

The sweet smile does not match the teasing tone, but instead reminds you of sincerity. There is this unrecognizable tingly sparkle that runs across your chest when you two catch each other’s eyes.

A tiny voice in your head wonders, could it be you, Kim Jungwoo? Despite not knowing how to ride a horse, he did mention how he knows you best.

He knows everything about your interests, your taste, your habits. He’s the perfect balance of sweet and salty. Your number one supporter, your number one speed dial. Your best friend, as if he didn’t already play that role too perfectly. 

The happiness Jungwoo warms you with is already delightful, so could limits be tested to see if it would be better in a relationship? It is definitely an option to be explored.

“Let’s make a pact.” It’s music to his ears, the curious boy loves hearing a new proposal. A mischievous grin is noted, along with the gleam that glosses over his eyes. “If we’re both single by the time we graduate college, we’ll date each other.”

“On one condition,” your best friend starts, the evil smile not fading, “the pact is broken if one of us develops feelings for the other person before graduation.” 

Jungwoo proposes a challenge that might actually cause you to lose. The unsettling drop in your stomach makes you want to hurl, and it’s hard to swallow your pride.

“Like I would actually like you?” The quiver in your lip initiates Jungwoo to chuckle.

He sees right through your tough act, and knows exactly how to taunt you. “Sometimes I catch you staring at me like how Jisung stares at you.” Jungwoo playfully pushes your buttons, and before you can protest, his hands run through his hair coolly.

“Right, like how you look at me like how I look at Jeno.” It is semi-sarcastic and you cross your arms in defensiveness. Jungwoo shameless knows every person who has had your heart at one point, and has even teased you to the point of asking if he was your next J. 

He whines cutely, as he oozes every ounce of sweetness from his crevices. The dramatic pout, the puppy dog eyes, the hands pressing his cheeks together. “You caught me red handed! The condition is more for me than for you anyways.” 

The reaction he wanted is what he got when you stand speechless at your best friend’s comment. “Oh, shut up. Is it a deal?”

“Of course, my cutie pie (y/n)! You know what, I’ll stay single just so we can fulfill our pact.” Again, there is no seriousness in his happy, cheerful fun. Jungwoo is a bask in the sun, live in the moment type of person. And he sure as hell, does not think about the repercussions of his words.

“Then maybe, you can finally write about me in your little secret love letters.” Absolutely mortified, you cup his mouth quickly to avoid any other reference to your letters. You instantly regret letting him in on that secret, because honestly, you had just been giving him more ammo to use against you. 

“I told you to never bring it up!” As if you aren’t embarrassed enough, you can feel the vibrations of his laughter between your fingers. 

You are practically determined at this point, there is no way you are going to break the condition. 

You are tougher than that, you manage to get through a high school break up with your first love. You’ve rejoined a past crush, who still has the ability to make sparkles fly.

You became a guide to a lost freshman, who you’ve grown up to love. And you simply predict, that in the future, you are going to experience more hurts in greater magnitudes. 

And you’ll grow up through your experiences, but with Jungwoo right next to you. Through experiencing and learning different things about yourselves, there is no time to focus on your potential relationship with your best friend. 

So maybe, just maybe! You aren’t going to fall for your best friend and break the pact early, because you’re no sucker to Kim Jungwoo. 

However, you’re beginning to notice the small changes and even those have an effect on you. So possibly, it may be harder than you’d think. Because the one person that will be beside you through every heartbreak and passing crush, is always going to be him. 

[matthewtkachuk]

nicotine – rafe (scout’s writing challenge)

You’re already addicted to cigarettes, and Rafe is worse than nicotine.

Loosely based on Panic! At The Disco’s Nicotine.

Warnings: cigarette usage, mention of drugs, implied smut, angst

Pairing: Rafe x reader

Words: 1.9k

A/N: Sorry this isn’t the next part of feel something, but I was inspired and wanted to write for @ptersparkers​ writing challenge. I said I wanted to write fluff, but this came out instead. Hope y’all like it!

The outer banks air is unseasonably cold tonight, and the hand not holding a cigarette rests deeply in your hoodie pocket as you take a drag. You’re standing on the beach in your backyard, waiting for your best friend, and sometimes lover, Rafe to arrive. You inhale the nicotine and exhale a moment later, blowing smoke from your lips.

“I wish you would quit,” a soft voice says from behind you. You spin around and come face to face with the man you were waiting for. You roll your eyes as you comprehend what he has just said.

“Why?” you ask, “we’re all going to die eventually, I didn’t think I needed to tell you that what with your habits. Besides, why not have a little fun before we go?” Nonetheless, you put out your cigarette against a tree.

“I fail to see how smoking on a cancer stick is fun,” he replies dryly. You laugh, which only seems to annoy him. Here he is, chastising you over a simple cigarette, when you’ve seen him take multiple bumps in a single evening. Quickly closing the distance between you, you reach up to pull his face down to your level. He towers over your shorter frame, always having to drop his head to meet your waiting lips.

“I could show you ‘fun’ if you like,” you whisper. He raises an eyebrow, as if challenging you, and you press your lips to his. Your thoughts scatter and all you know is that you want him. You want to be close to him, you want to feel his heart beat, you want to feel him inside of you. The kiss deepens, and his hands roam your body, teasing strokes up and down your hips, drifting down to squeeze your ass. When you finally pull back for air, you’re gasping. You look up at him and all you see are his eyes, heavy with lust. Your knees feel weak, your vision spinning slightly. You realize then that he is like a drug, and you, an addict.

It is at that moment, when you remember the cold. Biting your lip, you push Rafe inside your patio doors, stopping to close the door behind you. And then you are kissing again, hands everywhere, clothing quickly discarded. You don’t know what to think or feel, right now you’re consumed by the feel of him all over you.

You wake to an empty bed, unsurprisingly. This is typical of your friendship with Rafe. By night lovers, and by morning… nothing. You can’t deny, this is not a healthy situation by any means. Your other friends warn you that you are going to hurt each other. You know realistically that situations like yours do not end happily, but you’re happy. For now. You don’t know what the future holds, be it heartbreak or something else, but you prefer to live in the moment. And the moment is Rafe.

You break from your thoughts and slowly make your way out of bed. You stretch for a long moment and feel the satisfying pop of cracking bones. You decide a quick shower won’t hurt, as you scrub the feeling of Rafe’s body on yours and let it wash down the drain. 

You sit in your robe for a few minutes, hair up in a towel, deciding on what you’ll wear today. You promised Rafe you would watch movies with him today, not knowing just how heated last night would turn out. Okay, that’s a lie, you had a feeling that’s how last night would turn out because that’s how the nights usually turn out. Before you realize it, you’ve zoned out for almost half an hour so you quickly dress in a pair of high waisted shorts and a crop top before throwing your hair up in a messy ponytail. A little eyeliner completes the look and you don’t even bother with any additional makeup knowing the obx sun will make quick work of it. You run down the stairs, not bothering to be quiet as you know neither of your parents are home. 

It’s a quick walk to Rafe’s, as your houses are right next to each other.

“Hey y/n!” Sarah greets as she and Wheezie exit the front door of their house just as you arrive.

“Hey guys,” you smile at them, throwing your arms around them in a hug, “where are you ladies headed to this morning?”

Wheezie breaks free of the hug first. “We thought we should give you and Rafe some alone time,” Sarah answers with a wink. You sigh deeply. The two Cameron sisters are convinced Rafe and you are soul mates, and they’ll do anything in their power to try and make the two of you see it. Though, truth be told, there are times when you can see Rafe as your boyfriend, but most of the time, it seems to be the craziest of pipe dreams.

“Goodbye girls,” you call over your shoulder as you step into the foyer. Rafe is sitting in the living room, he’s wearing a cream colored Henley and the red snapback you love so much. His entire focus seems to be Instagram, judging by the way his thumb is scrolling through his phone. He turns when he hears the sound of the door clicking shut and smiles at you, motioning for you to join him on the couch. You drop your bag and kick off your shoes, before taking your usual spot beside Rafe.

“What do you want to watch?” he asks, but you merely shrug.

“You’re the one who invited me here,” you answer. You bicker slightly over who should chose the movie before settling on a traditional action movie. You’re not interested in the plot of the movie, to say the least. You’re more aware of Rafe’s arm around you, and the feelings growing in the pit of your stomach. You rest your head against Rafe’s shoulder, and he shifts to make you more comfortable.

During the two hours of the movie, you reflect on your unconventional friendship with Rafe. The more you think about it, the more you realize that you are growing actual, real, feelings for Rafe. That thought fills you with anxiety, as you realize that was the last thing either of you had wanted. That’s not true, if you’re honest with yourself, you’ve been in love with Rafe since you were nine years old. Growing up beside the Camerons, it was only natural that you befriended the neighbour boy with the dirty blonde hair who was in your class. As you grew closer and older, that natural friendship morphed into something a little more. You decide it would be better to distract yourself from your thoughts, so you lean up and gently kiss Rafe.

He doesn’t respond to your advances right away, so you decide to change tactics, and move your lips from his mouth, down his jaw. Your right hand drifts teasingly over the front of his pants. His Adam’s apple bobs as he swallows air. You smirk a little, knowing you are getting to him. A thought occurs to you then, and you feel the need to share. “You’re worse than nicotine,” you whisper in-between each kiss. A look of confusion passes through his eyes, but you continue kissing down his neck, briefly stopping to suck on his pulse point, until he leans down and captures your mouth with his. Your hands somehow find themselves tangled in his hair after flipping his snapback off his head, and you lean into his embrace. His hand slips under your shirt, but you grab it and pull yourself away from him.

“What is it?” He asks, slightly out of breath.

“Rafe I- I have something to confess… I have feelings for you.” you confess. He pauses, and you can tell right away his reaction is not one you’re going to like.

“Y/n… I’m sorry, you’re my best friend and I love you, and, God, you can do wonderful things with your mouth, but I don’t think of you like that,” He finally speaks, somewhat awkwardly.

“Oh,” is all you can think of to reply. You realize you’ve made a horrible mistake and may have permanently wrecked the best friendship you’ve ever had. Your hand flies to cover your mouth as you process what you’ve just done. “I- I have to go, I have this thing and-“ you jump up from the couch, and grab your things before dashing out the door.

“Y/n, wait!” Rafe calls after you, but you ignore him, racing to return to your house before breaking down like a lunatic.

A part deep inside of you knew that revealing your feelings for Rafe would not end well, but you childishly thought that perhaps, just this once, your feelings would be reciprocated. You find it hard to breathe, much like last night, but as an almost opposite reaction. If you could go back you wouldn’t have said anything, you would have kept your mouth shut. Your hands shake as you try to put your key into the lock on your door, and you hear thundering footsteps behind me. Silently sending a prayer, please don’t be Rafe, please don’t be Rafe. Your prayers are not answered however, when you see the tall and muscular form of your best friend round the corner.

“Y/n…” He looks at you like he wants to say something, but pauses, “let’s talk inside.” You numbly nod. He takes your keys from you and easily unlocks the door.

You both sit in the kitchen a few minutes later. You’re nursing a wine cooler between your hands and Rae sits there staring at you.

“Y/n, I wanted to talk to you about what just happened.” He remarks.

“What just happened… it was a mistake. I shouldn’t have said anything,” you quietly reply.

“I’m… I’m glad you told me,” Rafe appears to be choosing his words carefully, as he stops and thinks for a moment, “I don’t want you to keep secrets from me.”

“But I just made things so awkward! I should have kept my mouth shut,” you say, standing up, pausing before revealing what’s really on your mind, “I can’t lose you.” 

“You’ll never lose me,” Rafe tries to reassure you. There’s something in his eyes that makes you believe him. There’s something else in them, the way the pupils are dilated, that causes your throat to constrict and your heart to beat a little faster.

Before you fully comprehend your own body’s actions, you and Rafe are tangled in one another again. You know it’s a terrible idea, fucking Rafe won’t solve your problems, won’t make him love you. You realize that your earlier words ring true. To you, Rafe is worse than nicotine. You’re well and truly addicted. You also realize that you can’t continue to do this to yourself. Your feelings for Rafe won’t disappear, and you know that Rafe can never love you back the way you want him to. 

This is the last time, you promise yourself, giving into Rafe’s hands on your body and his lips on your neck.

Just one more hit and then we’re through Cause you’ll never love me back You’re worse than nicotine

[du0tine]

well, fuck.

this isn’t great. frankly its horrible.

it’s never fun being suspended so high in the air with the harsh winds blowing roughly in your direction forcing you to seek shelter against the icy and snowy mixture of rock that sits atop the towering mountain.

to be honest, had it been any other day this would’ve been thrilling. being up here in harsh conditions, struggling to hold on and testing my mental and physical capabilities would’ve been so much fucking fun.

but there are days where you just imagine the rope that holds you up so high, snapping and slicing against a sharp piece of rock as you plummet to your death. the sky is the last thing you see, the butterflies in your stomach going mad from the sudden drop and you can’t help but think, “im going to die.”

most people, in this case: climbers that is, don’t want to die. they understand the risks, they know that given what they do things are bound to happen and im someone who understands that concept very well. but some of us are just so desensitized to the point that death feels like nothing, we’re used to losing team mates, friends and lovers. i just didn’t understand why i wanted for it to happen to me so much.

climbing is a large part of my life amongst other things; friends, family and other significant factors. all pieces both large and small that factor into what i call my life, something that i can’t help but be grateful for. but sometimes i realize life is fleeting. i realize just how short it is and sometimes i realize that, you know what? im okay with dying. whether it be today, tomorrow or the day after, i understand that death is inevitable and sometimes i just yearn for it to happen a little faster.

it often comes and goes, starting with tears and ending with cold, blank and rather monotone eyes gazing into the emptiness. i don’t know what it feels like exactly, the physicality is easy to understand but when i have to put into words its too hard. but it feel freezing cold, isolation hurts, solitude is pain. im all alone with nothing and no one and in fact, i do think im alone despite everything.

i just know im alone.

i have so many people in my life but it’s hard for me to understand why they’re here, it becomes difficult for me to keep them in my life. i find it hard to continue to speak with lifelong friends, keep in touch with cousins and other family. my parents and siblings (my brothers only being 3 & 5) being the only people i can speak to without feeling so choked up.

i speak to people ive met here (tumblr) but it never goes past a few conversations that occur from time to time and to those i do talk consistently with i can’t help but feel like i annoy. sometimes people reach out to me for advice, for guidance and of course, i aid them. it only pains me a little to never be asked if im okay in return but whatever right? as long as the people are happy, then im happy.

here in nepal, it’s been nice. people are nice. the way of life is one that no one takes for granted and it makes me feel out of place, like a spoiled brat who just yearns so much to escape but i try my best to just take a deep breath and indulge. the buddhist culture here makes me understand the ways of life, living alongside other climbers and watching sherpas dance to the tune of death, twisting around and just barely sneaking past almost every time.

despite how beautiful it is with the towering peaks, glaciers and fields of luscious green grass. death holds a strong presence here, one that’s covered by the tourism and clusters of climbers. but one that’s never ignored, everything being worshipped. pooja ceremonies being held for safe journeys and honouring the beautiful land, the mother of it all with offerings. mother nature is honoured and yet, she still plucks us one by one.

last year on my winter expedition i met a boy, well a man. someone who was 12 years older than me, someone i grew to have feelings for that in fact were reciprocated. despite seeming inappropriate, it was all consensual, it was positive and perfect. there was no dirty intention behind it and despite the large age gap it quickly flourished into a sweet, relationship but i found myself growing distant.

we were both sponsored by the same company which is how we met, the both of us being skiers and climbers. people who understood the dangers of venturing out into the wild, knowing what it meant to leave it all behind and pursue your wildest dreams.

he was perfect for me and yet, i broke up with him while living in nepal. i didn’t know why i did at first and it took me a lot of thinking. a lot of time being alone and realizing that throughout my whole life id been accustomed to supporting myself, knowing that there was no one else for me but me. perhaps it was the mixture of dreadful trauma id faced when i was younger, things i never told anyone, things that i only now realize just how bad they were.

regardless, the past is the past and i know i can’t let it hold me down and yet it’s just so hard to keep living when you know just how gravely you’ve been damaged. but i always tell myself that there’s someone out there who’s got it worse, someone who hasn’t stopped suffering from the day they’ve been brought into this world and until this very day.

like them i also wander the earth and yet i have an advantage, one that i should never take for granted and that being that everything that had happened, is over. i shouldn’t let it bring me down and ruin all the good things i have now.

so anyways, what lead to me ultimately breaking down was when i found myself like i mentioned before climbing upwards, fifteen pitches ahead in the air with my team around me. belayed upwards as i find myself freezing momentarily when the snow from above comes falling down, raining down on me as the wind whips me in the face.

it felt so cold, i couldn’t help but press my forehead against the wall and look downwards at my dangling feet. my hands were numb, my ice pick wedged into the snow and ice, my toes just barely warm. i just found myself observing how far away the ground was from where i hung. the distance from where i spiralled about to the ground was like how disconnected i felt from the earth. physically i am here but mentally im lost. where am i? i don’t know, maybe ill know someday? but what if i just don’t try anymore and let it all go, the place im in isn’t a bad place to die in fact, it’s beautiful.

but i can’t let myself plummet to the ground in front of people i know, i can’t traumatize them. i can’t be selfish and hurt others, id already done it once and that was to the man i loved.

pushing forwards we finished climbing, taking in the air at the top and looking down at everything. feeling like we were in fact on top of the world when really this was only one of the peaks we decided to acclimatize to in preparation for the everest/lhotse push that would happen in the next two months.

the feeling was the same as always, a feeling of satisfaction. you feel unstoppable at the top of the mountain, like there’s nothing and no one in your path and yet for the first time i felt anxious.

i felt like i was going to throw up. it didn’t feel great to be up here, i didn’t know why at that moment but when we began rappelling downwards i couldn’t help but think about how cold hearted i was for breaking up with him. there was no reason for me to do so and yet, i just did. it wasn’t right and it took me sometime to realize why. i needed to make sure i could at least put in the effort to do something.

the trek back to base camp was agonizing. i felt like i couldn’t breath properly, falling out of tune with my surroundings and just marching forwards. my team looking like blobs of colourful parkas. silently i felt myself weeping and just feeling like shit. i hated this.

it was embarrassing, i always made sure to peel myself apart and cry when there was no one around and yet here i was crying with people i knew and got to know around me. one of my leaders, who was a single mom that was a total badass in the mountains and one of the best ski mountaineer ive met (she’s also my team lead) spotted me falling apart and staggered behind to talk things out with me and i began to find comfort in consolidating in someone.

this was something i never even did with my own mother. this was the first time i looked for guidance in someone who’d lived longer than me and understood how grief, sadness and just a clusterfuck of emotions works.

with every step i took i slowly pieced the answers i needed for my puzzle piece and now here i am sitting inside my tent typing this foolish rant. my fingers lingering over the call button of the contact id for my ex boyfriend.

i think ill call him and apologize.

it’ll be a good first step.

update: things have been solved (relationship wise) but i don’t feel too good mentally nor physically. unfortunately, i received heartbreaking news that my bestfriend passed away and i feel lost. i don’t know what’s going on, what’s going to happen and i just feel guilty and pathetic. despite that comment, the less people see this the better, it’s not good energy and it’s just negatively going to affect others but i can’t dip without an explanation.

things are on a queue.

[tartagliaxx]

L isten, I only stumbled upon your blog recently, but your writing? Chef's kiss! Absolutely wonderful! Consider yourself having a new follower mate uwub

But yes, I'd also like to join in the event for Zhongli, if you don't mind!

I'm the Sassy Lost Child. No, seriously. I'm... very short to say the least (short enough to be considered a gremlin against him honestly with a whopping 4'9" despite me being the eldest), but what I lack in height I do try to make up in personality! Can be very loud, expressive, and animated considering I once used to dream of being an actress, but can get very timid and very easily flustered if you play your cards right. Also known to be both childish in how I act sometimes, but mature when it comes to serious matters? Ah, the duality of looking young but being old--

Surprisingly enough, I'm very careful with my heart. Or, well, I try to be, at least. I've seen a little too much of heartbreak to be careless with it after all. That's why I may keep others at an arms length--there's no point if we end up hurting and leaving each other one day. But with some time and some reassurance, that fear will slowly die down, and you'll get to hear secrets I'd never tell anyone else.

time itself is an expression of love.

when a young man waits at his table an hour before the agreement just to make sure his lover wouldn't need to or when a young woman ponders over her dress nights before a date — each second thinking about the other is an act of love itself. zhongli, no, rex lapis oversaw many contracts though one he could never quite grasp was the contract of matrimony. some fail before the first year, some last until fifty, and some... well, some last beyond the lifetime of mankind, and those are the ones that are celebrated ever so merrily by their descendants.

it's quite an endearing thought but not one he fully comprehends. he knows, however, that if time is a reasonable measure of love, then he has so much to give. a hundred years worth of longing, a thousand years worth of waiting — three millennia's worth of slow burn romance. meeting you wasn't the climax, it was the first page and everything else was a prologue written in a separate book. falling in love with you? well, that's the hundredth chapter that would extend infinitely until the word 'infinity' loses its missing.

aside from your contrasting quirks, well, there is no real way to describe your love and it comes to a point that most say that it's anticlimactic. perhaps the billions of words that preceded your loving climax brought their expectations too high but is there really no beauty to a love that is simply... is? love with zhongli exists between mercury and jupiter. it's finding firm, solid ground after a jump and it's having curtains billowing in the wind. it's the stark contrast between the skies and the earth and it's the way he easily steals your composure even without meaning to. it's the way he manages to quell your worries with a small smile and it's the way he stares after you every time you burst into a beautiful explosion of exuberance. it exists the same way calcium lives in your bones and it is a tale of untold satisfaction and relief. perhaps meaningless to the world's greatest critics but to the eyes of the two artists that made it, it's a masterpiece that held so many hidden meanings reserved only for their eyes to see. it's a kind of love that's mature but curious — much like a child's youthful innocence — and perhaps, so unexplainable that the poets could only ever attempt to write it off as a play and yet, still fail to capture it wholely.

bizarre and mundane. old and childish. traditional and modern. it's a work of art in the sense that it's open for interpretation but everyone knows that behind closed doors, its existence makes the whole world glint with a golden sheen.

━━ ☆ NOTES: hi! welcome to my blog and thank you for joining in the fun! i have... so much i wanted to say about your relationship but i don't know how to phrase it exactly. i just know that zhongli understands your need to take it slow and in fact, will probably insist even after you give him permission to court you (might be because he's the one who needs to take it slow). i also know that he's more than willing to reassure you whenever you need it. conversations could extend for so long and he's just so soft for the way you ramble about this and that. and the way you're just so charismatic in a way so different from him? asjdafakfajj zhongli's so whipped but he has an old timer's heart so he doesn't know how to express it. ah, i'm rambling sorry. again, i hope you liked it even if it's like,, a hot mess :DD

━━ ☆ WANT TO JOIN?: send me an ask here!

[solacefruit]

Hello, I re-read your fic "one of a king, no category" again recently and first of all I absolutely love it and I always tear up no less then 3 times every time I read it. I was curious, if you remember, how you decided on the 9 cats you chose for the 9 lives ceremony, and also were there any other characters you considered using but who didn't end up making the cut?

Hello there! Thank you so much for writing in with such a sweet compliment, it really warms my heart to know that story has hit such a lovely chord with so many people. I think out of all the stories I’ve written for Warriors so far, one of a kind, no category is the one I’m proudest of and the one I’d like to be remembered for the most. 

And thank you for this question, it’s a very good one! I have a feeling it’ll get very long, though, so I’ll put it under the cut. 

I didn’t have to think much at all to know which cats I wanted to write about for this story, because I’ve been thinking about these nine in various ways since I first read the series. In many ways, one of a kind, no category is a love letter to characters I felt were treated cruelly and unfairly in canon and I wanted to give them a brief moment to be something other than what they were--whether that was to complicate or reinterpret the narrative they’re given in canon, or to highlight the qualities they have that often get overlooked or underappreciated by the writers (and sometimes other fans). 

So there’s cats like Silverstream and Rosetail, who are barely there and then killed off as a plot point--to cause drama for Greystripe or show the brutality of clan life, respectively. Then there’s cats like Lizardstripe, Nightcloud, and Foxheart who are basically written as shallow, “bitchy” antagonists--and as a result are often seen that way by the fandom--or cats like Ferncloud, who are seen as “boring” or “useless” because of their time in the nursery and often resented for that by fans. 

And I don’t necessarily blame fans for these readings of the characters, because the canon is so badly written. I think there’s always a tendency for male characters to be given leniency and complicatedness that is often withheld for female characters, but in Warriors, that cultural reading issue is compounded by the fact the writers themselves don’t ever really do female characters justice. Canon Ferncloud is largely there to pop out kittens and then died in battle “as a result of fan complaints” because Erin Hunter’s misguided understanding of the criticism they were receiving--i.e., interpreting “all she does is have kittens” to mean “we want her to fight [and die]” instead of “please give her character depth--no, not death, no, Erin, don’t--”

I wanted to take these characters and humanise (for lack of a better word) their canonical representations in a way that makes you actually care about who they are/were and the life they lived. Silverstream’s death is a tragedy. Rosetail’s life is a triumph. I wanted these experiences to be embodied in a story in a way that could give readers feelings and change how people thought of these (canonically very badly written) characters, not because I think Erin Hunter is a secret genius and deserves it (they don’t, I hate them), but because the characters themselves deserve more recognition and care than they often receive. 

Anyway, I’m sorry, I’ve gone way off track! To actually answer your questions: 

1. Leopardstar: one of the few female leaders--whose story is then basically about what a bigot she is and how she betrayed her whole clan (more or less) for a man because she was secretly in love with Tigerstar. I hate that they made a female leader (one of very few!) just to be like “eh she’s a lackey to an evil man she’s in love with who doesn’t care about her.” 

2. Rosetail: as mentioned before, she is barely in canon at all (in the main series; she returns in Bluestar’s Prophecy as kind of Bluefur’s best friend?). She’s actually the first clan cat to die after Firepaw joins Thunderclan, but it mostly gets swept aside and people are sad for like a minute and then the shock value wears off and she’s forgotten. 

3. Nightcloud: she’s kind of the contentious female character of the main series, because she’s either too clingy or too mean or a bad mother etc., and I’ve seen many people sympathise with Crowfeather over her--even though her side of things genuinely sucks. I wanted to give her space to be a kind of unlikeable person who still deserved better than she got. I think she deserves the same compassion people are willing to the extend to the man who mistreats her. 

4. Brightheart: one of the most famous disabled characters of canon--but she never really gets a decent resolution. Her ending is “happy” but I feel that she’s not really given closure for much of what happened to her, and in many ways the story around her is still very ableist. I feel like there’s a lot of extremely challenging internal growth that she would have had to do that never gets noticed in canon, so I wanted to give her a moment of sharing a fraction of the strength and wisdom she would have taught herself. 

5. Silverstream: as mentioned before, she’s so young and it feels to me like she exists--and dies--for the purposes of man-pain and I hate that. She gets so little personality in canon and then dies in childbirth, and I wanted to first give her a self that is so wonderful and real that it genuinely is devastating that she dies. It’s not a shrug, or a “poor Greystripe”: it’s a heartbreak to see someone so vivacious and excellent and hopeful get their life cut short. I want her story to be centred on who she is, not who she fell in love with and how he feels. 

6. Foxheart: she’s basically a mean, snotty villain in Yellowfang’s Secret (as is Lizardstripe) and an enemy of Yellowfang in a way that to me reeks of internalised misogyny from Erin Hunter, if I’m real with you. I wanted to give another interpretation of the events--especially considering how unbelievable it is that Yellowfang “got away” with that whole secret kit thing. It doesn’t make sense, unless you consider that other cats are in on it. Literally all Foxheart had to say to ruin Yellowfang’s life was “that kitten’s not mine”--and she never said that. I think that gets overlooked a lot and I wanted to explore that detail. And I thought it fitting to reinterpret a character whose name is literally an insult in canon (”fox-heart”) as having so much integrity that she would rather go down in history as a villain than be a snitch and a traitor to a clan-mate.

7. Lizardstripe: similar to above, she’s written as a horrible, bitter lady who resents her own mate and kits and is bullied into fostering Brokenkit and is miserable about that. It’s literally said “[h]er bitterness and resentment towards Brokenstar is what led him down his path of hatred” which is classic “blame a woman for a man’s behaviour” and a very rich statement from Erin Hunter who in the same breath is like “some cats (i.e., Brokentail) are just born evil as a punishment from Starclan on their birth mothers for breaking their vows.” It is so vile how Erin Hunter’s writing revolves as much as possible around blaming and punishing women for everything, including and especially men’s development and behaviour. 

8. Ferncloud: sort of mentioned before, but Ferncloud over the years has gotten a lot of fan disapproval for being passive and frequently pregnant. I think a lot of those criticisms--when levelled at Erin Hunter’s lazy writing--are fair and just but sometimes I feel that, in pursuit of more “strong” female characters in media, some fans forget to appreciate the many ways femininity and female characters can be subversive and/or still good, even when they’re not traditional hero’s narratives. In the real world, domestic labour (i.e., women’s work) is significantly undervalued, and I feel that Ferncloud can be read as an amazing example of someone who works to the bone every day and is largely ignored and underappreciated because the work she does is expected and taken for granted. 

9. Greypool: I love her--or at least my version of her. She doesn’t get a lot of attention in canon, other than a mention of being the foster mother to Bluestar’s kits and the fact she loses her memory as she ages and is murdered by Tigerclaw. It felt fitting for her to be the final life, both as a great and renowned storyteller in her own right and a cat considered to be very wise and kind with her words and thoughts, since ultimately one of a kind, no category is about the way stories can be told to shape the world--i.e., Erin Hunter’s often sexist canon versus the compassionate and intelligent retellings this fandom creates. 

As for cats that weren’t included, I’m happy with the nine I chose and I love them, but there are a lot of other cats who’ve been poorly treated by canon that would deserve a better story too. Snowfur of Thunderclan leaps to mind, as does Feathertail, and Palebird of Windclan, and honestly even Bluestar and Mapleshade. I think to a certain extent it’s hard to really engage with any of these characters’ narratives without also acknowledging the impact of sexist tropes on that narrative--i.e., how much of canon is “the character” (an intentional construct) and how much of their characterisation/story is kind of a side-effect of uncritical sexism perpetuated in the writing of said character? And I don’t really know the answer, because that’s not really a line that can be drawn. But I like to think one of a kind, no category and similar stories help reimagine other versions of these characters as fuller, more real people and that thought makes me happy. 

[twilights-800-cats]

<< Chapter 9 || Chapter 10 || Chapter 11 || From the Beginning || Patreon >>

Chapter 10

“Stoneheart? Stoneheart, wake up!”

Stoneheart opened his eyes with a start, his claws gripping the earth. He got his bearings quickly – the sky was orange with evening, and he was in the patch of woods behind the Twoleg vet. His panic faded, his heartbeat slowing. I must have dozed off.

Wolftooth was sitting near him, whiskers twitching with amusement, with a paw raised to prod him. Stoneheart pushed himself to his paws, feeling embarrassment pricking his pelt. He licked his chest fur to soothe it.

“Tucker says Branch ought to be coming out soon,” Wolftooth meowed. He nodded to a scraggly clump of ferns near Pinewhisker and Tucker, who were chatting. “We managed to save you a sparrow – they're thin here, too, but easy enough to catch.”

Stoneheart nodded his thanks. He stretched sleep from his muscles and then padded over to the makeshift fresh-kill pile. Wolftooth was right – the sparrow was tiny compared to what flew in the forest, but that didn’t matter. Just the sight of it made Stoneheart’s stomach yowl.

He gave thanks to StarClan for the meal as he tucked in, observing the world around him while he ate. From what Purdy had said, Twolegplaces got loud near the end of the day – this one seemed to be no different. Stoneheart could see monster after monster passing by beyond the vet’s den, and he could hear that loud roar they make when awakened everywhere around him. The Twolegs must be heading home.

Stoneheart fought a sigh – would that they were heading home, too. He pushed away the bones of his meal, feeling dissatisfied. He wanted to sleep in his nest in ShadowClan camp, not under Twoleg bushes, and he wanted Rowanclaw by his side now more than ever. His dreams were so restless without his beloved by his side.

He felt hurt bloom in his chest, and he tried to stamp it down. We’ll find him; that’s why we’re here! Instead of focusing on missing his mate, Stoneheart turned his ears to catch what Pinewhisker and Tucker were talking about.

“... so, do you guys have vets?” the kittypet was asking. “You guys have to get sick out there, and I know you get into fights. Who do you go to if you don’t have a vet?”

Pinewhisker scoffed, “We don’t need Twolegs to take care of us – we've got medicine cats.”

“Medicine cats?” Tucker looked confused, but intrigued.

Pinewhisker nodded. “They collect herbs and know what they do, and they use them to heal us when we’re sick or hurt,” he explained. “They also guide the Clan with signs they receive from our warrior ancestors.”

“Oh, wow!” Tucker’s eyes widened like bright little moons. Then, he looked confused: “But you said you weren’t born a Clan cat, Pinewhisker. You don’t have warrior ancestors then, right?”

Pinewhisker shrugged. “Probably not,” he admitted, “but when I die, I’ll go to StarClan, and then I’ll be a warrior ancestor for my kits, and their kits.” He raised his head, looking proud. “The first of my line!”

Wolftooth looked his way, his eyes sparking with mischief. “You’ll be the last if you don’t give Nightwing the time of day,” he chuckled.

Pinewhisker bristled, looking offended. “What’s that supposed to mean?” he asked, incredulous. “Nightwing knows how I feel about her!”

Wolftooth grinned. “Does she? Have you told her?”

Stoneheart twitched his whiskers at Pinewhisker, trying not to purr at his Clanmate’s abashed expression. Nightwing and Pinewhisker padding in circles after one another wasn’t something he’d thought he’d come back to when he left on the journey, but there it was.

“I-I think she knows!” Pinewhisker stammered back.

“You need to tell her, Pinewhisker,” Stoneheart meowed. He recalled the worried way Nightwing had begged to come with them, and how dismissive Pinewhisker had been. “Don’t lead her on by the tail. If you don’t say it, how can you know she knows?”

Pinewhisker looked like a fish, his mouth opening in closing as if gasping for air. Finally, he sagged, and meowed, “Fine - if we make it out of this place, I’ll tell her.”

“Good,” Wolftooth grunted. The big gray tom stretched out, triumphant. “And when we get to the lake, you two can have as many kits as you can handle.”

Pinewhisker’s tail bristled, and whatever response he might have made, Stoneheart missed – his heartbreak had opened anew, and he couldn’t help but wallow. He was happy for Pinewhisker and Nightwing and whatever the future might hold for them, but bitter claws gripped his shoulders.

What if he never found Rowanclaw?

Stoneheart stared down at the remains of his meal, finding that it was now a lump in his throat. If he never found Rowanclaw, if he had to leave the forest without him... would he ever feel happy again? Would his dreams keep taking him to dark, dank places? Would he succumb to his own anxieties and fears? Sometimes it felt like the hope that Rowanclaw might be out there was all that was keeping him going.

His expression must have given his thoughts away – he felt Wolftooth’s tail rest on his shoulders. “Hey,” the older warrior grunted, his breath close to Stoneheart’s ear, “it’ll be okay. We’ll find Rowanclaw.”

Stoneheart leaned into Wolftooth, feeling his limbs go weak. “What... What if StarClan wants me to leave him behind?” he whispered. Speaking such a secret fear made his tongue dry as wood.

“I don’t think that’s the case,” Wolftooth murmured back. “And you can’t think that, either.”

Stoneheart swallowed. He was aware that both Pinewhisker and Tucker were staring at him, their eyes round and, in Tucker’s case, confused. Stoneheart pulled away from Wolftooth, giving his pelt a shake. Clanmates were one thing, but Stoneheart couldn’t bring himself to look so weak in front of a kittypet - what kind of Clan cat would he be?

“I see I have visitors.”

The voice was pleasant, soft, and, above all, unfamiliar; coming as the dark of night descended upon the Twolegplace. Weak moonlight lit up the massive, powerful shoulders of a very, very large tomcat, turning his dark brown pelt to silver. He tilted his broad head, observing the four cats with calm yellow eyes that glowed like small suns.

Tucker nearly jumped out of his pelt. “Branch!” he cried. “You scared us!”

Wolftooth stepped forward. “You’re Branch?” he asked.

“I am,” Branch answered, dipping his head.

Stoneheart was stunned – this Branch dwarfed even Wolftooth, who was one of ShadowClan’s largest cats, alongside Blackfoot, who might look like a kit in comparison. How does a cat even get that big? More importantly, how had such a large cat appeared without anyone noticing him?

Stoneheart couldn’t help but lean forward and sniff. Something about Branch’s scent seemed... off. It was plain, alien, with a subtle tang that Stoneheart felt came from nowhere in nature. Perhaps that was why they hadn’t noticed him coming – this tom barely smelled like a cat at all!

Branch calmly observed the ShadowClan cats, his eyes resting on each in turn. When his eyes met Stoneheart’s, he meowed, “I’m sorry to keep you waiting; my partner had a patient who needed some extra attention.”

“Your partner?” Pinewhisker tilted his head.

“The vet,” Branch meowed, nodding back to the building behind him. He licked a paw and drew it over his ear. “We are not owner and kittypet, as you might think. We consider one another partners. You three aren’t here to talk with me about that, however.”

Branch looked at Tucker, and the kittypet stood at attention: “These cats want your help, Branch,” he explained, gesturing to the ShadowClan patrol with his tail. “They came from the marshlands, in the forest, and they’re--”

“They’re looking for someone,” Branch finished. Stoneheart felt unnerved – the big tom’s eyes had not left him. “That much seems obvious. Thank you, Tucker, for bringing them to me.”

“So, you’ll help us?” Pinewhisker guessed, looking hopeful.

Branch nodded, his eyes soft and compliant. “I am not the type to turn away someone in need – now, tell me, who are you looking for? I will help if I can.”

“My mate,” Stoneheart burst, taking a step towards Branch. His heart thudded in his ears, and he was aware of just how selfish he seemed. “Ah... there are others, too – they were all taken by the Twolegs that are destroying the forest. We can’t leave for our new home without them.”

“Tucker and Cody tell us that you’re the cat to see about finding the missing,” Wolftooth rumbled on.

Branch blinked. “Well, I don’t like to brag, but... they are correct. Come.”

The big tom brushed past, heading further into the little patch of woodland behind the vet’s den. Tucker followed without question, his tail up and his eyes bright with excitement. Wolftooth shrugged and got to his paws, heading after them.

Pinewhisker rubbed his pelt against Stoneheart’s. “What’s there to lose?” he offered, sounding encouraging.

Stoneheart nodded in agreement, his heart lifting despite the uncertainty as he followed Pinewhisker. What could this Branch cat offer that no one else could? Perhaps he was like a medicine cat himself, if something like that could exist within a Twolegplace.

This patch of woodland was small, and Branch led them to its very heart. Despite being able to see Thunderpaths and monsters and even Twolegs from where they sat, it seemed very quiet here, the sound muffled by the thin trees and scrappy bushes. Moonlight streamed down between the branches, which had already lost almost all their leaves.

Branch settled down beside the stump of what might have been a very tall oak. He curled his tail around his paws, sweeping dry leaves around him. He turned his muzzle to the sky, and took a deep breath, his whiskers trembling with concentration.

“What’s he doing?” Pinewhisker wondered.

“Ssh!” Tucker hissed, his eyes round and bright. “You’ll see!”

Stoneheart glanced warily at Wolftooth. The big gray tom looked just as concerned, and as time stretched on, Stoneheart was half tempted to prod at Branch – the brown tom seemed frozen stiff, his muzzle to the sky and his tail covered in leaves.

The night stretched on, and it seemed like an eternity before Branch lowered his muzzle.

“My apologies,” he said, sounding tired. “With the workfolk in the forest, the earth has become hard to hear.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Stoneheart wondered, getting to his paws. His heart began to beat faster. “You can’t find them?”

Branch blinked, staring into Stoneheart’s eyes. “I can find them,” he said, with no uncertainty, “but I am saying that it won’t be easy.”

“Well, what can we do to help?” Wolftooth wondered. He glanced at the sky, and how the moon was a catscratch from half-full. He’d promised Russetstar that their patrol would be back before that happened, Stoneheart recalled. “We’re running out of time.”

Branch twitched his whiskers. “Tell me about those you’re looking for. That may help me find them.”

Pinewhisker worked his jaw. “Well... it’s not like we know them all personally, but... Robinwing is a WindClan cat – she's brown with blue eyes. Smells like moor grass and heather.”

“Tawnypelt is RiverClan’s deputy,” Wolftooth went on. “She’s fierce, and strong, and smells like willows and river water and fish, like all RiverClan cats. An older tortoiseshell with a scarred pelt.”

Stoneheart swallowed. “Cloudtail and Brightheart are mates, and they’re both so brave. Brightheart is missing an eye, and an ear, and Cloudtail is the best tracker in ThunderClan.” His heart stirred with memories of ThunderClan, only to ache again as he went on, “And Rowanclaw... he’s my mate. I love him so much – h-he's dark ginger, and his eyes sparkle when he purrs, and I would do anything just to see him again, a-and...”

He was conscious of the eyes on him, now, but it didn’t stop it all from tumbling out: “I just want to tell him I’m sorry for leaving him alone.” He stared into Branch’s eyes, willing him to understand, hoping that this would help. “I want to tell him that I want to have kits, and that I’m sorry for being too scared to tell him that. I want to look into his eyes again, and I want to hear his voice, even if he says he doesn’t forgive me for leaving him behind.”

Stoneheart swallowed, realizing that the lump in his throat was almost choking him. He fell to his haunches, wanting nothing more than to curl up into a ball. Being so vulnerable made him feel like his pelt had fallen off of his body. His voice was a whimper, now: “I want to tell him that... e-even if we make it to the lake... to me, it’ll mean nothing if he’s not there beside me...”

He felt Pinewhisker and Wolftooth press close to him, a gesture which normally would have pricked at his pride, but right now he wanted nothing more than the companionship of his Clanmates, especially in this strange place. Stoneheart managed to lift his head, and his eyes met Branch’s, blue to yellow.

“We can’t leave the forest without any of them,” he meowed, “but without Rowanclaw...”

“I understand,” Branch soothed. He stood up on all fours, planting his paws firmly against the earth. “I hear your love, Stoneheart, and the earth feels it. You call to your Family, and I join my voice to yours.”

Stoneheart had no idea what the strange cat meant – Branch sank down, shoving his paws into the earth as if they were the roots of a tree. The brown tom touched his nose to the soil, and again he was silent and still, but for the twitch of his ears or the sweep of his tail.

Stoneheart was conscious of every moment fading away into oblivion. Was it working? There was no way to tell, and that not knowing was making Stoneheart’s pelt crawl, as if ants had made a home in his fur.

Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, Branch shivered from ears to tail, gasping as he lifted his head. The big cat staggered, and Tucker rushed forward to steady him, though the big tom would have crushed the kittypet if he fell.

Branch regained himself, thanking Tucker with a murmur. He looked exhausted, now, his eyes drawn and drooping, but he lifted his head and declared, “I’ve found them.”

Stoneheart got to his paws. “You did?” His heart thudded, threatening to leap out of his chest. “Truly?”

Branch nodded. “They are in the forest,” he breathed. “Something surrounds them, blocking my senses, but... I heard them crying out from within.” He looked at the Clan cats. “Their cries were weak, difficult to hear.”

“Where are they in the forest?” Wolftooth asked, stepping forward. “Could you tell?”

Branch struggled, for a moment. “The earth was broken all around them,” he said, “trampled by workfolk and their monsters. But... something remained, something nearby that resonated with the energy your Clans put into it. Rocks... rocks that formed little caves, rocks that hid secrets...”

“Snakerocks?” Stoneheart guessed.

“Yes,” Branch nodded, “a sinister place, but one that knows your Clans.”

“They’re in ThunderClan territory,” Stoneheart breathed. Wind stirred his pelt, and he looked to Wolftooth and Pinewhisker. “Snakerocks must have been one of the first places the Twolegs destroyed in ThunderClan.”

His mouth felt dry, but his limbs were charged, and Stoneheart felt as if he could leap over all of Twolegplace. He could picture Snakerocks now – that flat piece of land, barren of trees, would be a perfect place to keep the captured cats. I know where Rowanclaw is!

“But how do we get to them?” Pinewhisker wondered, eyes wide. “If the Twolegs are all over that place, then...”

“We can figure that out later,” Wolftooth grunted. “What matters is that we found them. Russetstar will know what to do from here.”

“You must take care, and act swiftly,” Branch meowed. He seemed to be regaining his strength. “If the workfolk took these cats from the forest, there isn’t much time before they’re sent to the city.”

“What will happen to them then?” Pinewhisker wondered, his eyes round.

“They’ll be given to Twolegs, or taken to the vet to be Cut and released, if no Twoleg will take them,” Tucker answered. “That’s what they usually do to the cats they catch.”

Wolftooth bristled. “Then there’s no time to waste,” he growled. “Tucker, can you take us back to the forest? We need to get to our leader with this information immediately.”

Tucker blinked. He looked dazzled by these events. “I... yes, I think I can,” he meowed. “We’ll need to leave now, though, if you’re in a hurry!”

Wolftooth seemed all right with that. He turned and nodded to Branch, meowing, “Thank you for your help.”

“It’s no problem,” Branch meowed. He dipped his head formally. “It’s my purpose to help others. The earth speaks, and I listen.”

Tucker raised his tail, and Wolftooth and Pinewhisker clustered around the kittypet. Stoneheart got to his paws to join them, only to find that Branch had put his massive body between him and is Clanmates.

“Good luck on your Great Wander,” he meowed evenly, his eyes pale and sparkling. “We may not see one another again, but through the earth we are connected.”

Stoneheart blinked at the tom, confused. He had no idea what Branch meant, or what strange powers he possessed, but he felt the sentiment. He meowed, “Thank you,” before pushing past the big brown tom and heading after Wolftooth and Pinewhisker.

“Family is forever!” Branch called after them. “And Family is always wherever you are!”

--

Dawn had broken by the time that Stoneheart, Wolftooth, and Pinewhisker had to stay good-bye to Tucker. The kittypet had been beside himself with sorrow, especially knowing that he would never see the Clan cats again – but the farewells had to be brief, and Stoneheart sent a prayer to StarClan, thanking them for Tucker’s help.

He found himself leading the way across the open marshes, Wolftooth and Pinewhisker streaming behind him. There was no need to speak – there was no time. Tiredness and hunger were forgotten in their flight. The Twoleg monsters had already roared to life in ShadowClan territory, and the sight of the smoke they belched, so close to ShadowClan’s camp, put speed to their paws.  

Ultimately, though, when they arrived at the crest of a hill that overlooked the ShadowClan camp from a distance, they saw that they were too late.

The monsters were devouring the very heart of ShadowClan.

[shnuggletea]

I got this amazing review that really inspired me. I was just going to write a nice little bow on the end of this. But they really showed me the potential as well as showed me there were a lot of strings still left to tie up! I really hate they left it as a guest, I want to give them credit. So, dear anon, this chapter is for you! Thank you for your review and I’ll be answering all your questions in this chapter and ones to come!

I hope this is funny in places. I thought it was lol. Anyway, here is a Prequel chapter showing you were the boys came from a little bit more. I might show more later, a sister story was requested. Idk if I’ll get to all that. Maybe next year for sins week, we’ll see.

Keeping with ‘tradition’ I wrote this today! So many other things I should be working on but what am I gonna do yeah? Maybe more reviews on this will make me write more lol. Yes, this is rushed but I wanted consistency and also, I wanted to get it to you all. It’s also in third person because it’s all past tense to when the original story began. It just felt right to me. I hope you like it anon and if I didn’t answer a question, no worries, I’m getting to it!!

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Nominated for best comedy for Feudal Connections Fourth Quarter 2020!!!

“A story has no beginning or end: arbitrarily one chooses that moment of experience from which to look back or from which to look ahead.” ― Graham Greene, The End of the Affair

Miroku

The water crashed against the cave's opening, waking him from what was, otherwise, a delightful sleep. It had been centuries of the same, crawling into his cave as early as his body would allow all so he could drift off into a world of 'make-believe'.

He knew it was more than that; that it was more than just his wishful thinking. It was the same scenery most nights but he relished slipping into his unconsciousness each and every night. It made the days drag on so long now.

Pulling himself out and into the open, he glanced up towards the high cliff above. It had been so long since the Monk Miroku and the children had come to the edge to learn and play. Many years, in fact, but he had long ago lost count of all that. So he was surprised when a young girl sat close to the edge. He climbed up the side to get a better look and listen.

"Oh god… please…." she cried. He wished he could comfort the girl but what could he do with his tentacles? "Please… I love him so much. Help him to love me in return or… let me move on…"

Her eyes danced to the water below, the deadly waves hitting the rocks hard for emphasis. This girl wanted to end her life over love? Was it truly that great? It was hard for him to imagine love being that powerful but he only had his dreams to go off of.

The girl sat for a few more moments, sobbing before slowly pushing off the ground. She stood, looking over the edge and he feared she would run over it, ending her life and suffering the easy way.

"Christine!" The girl spun, and his demon hearing allowed him to hear the hitch in her throat. A boy, who looked the same age, bounded up to her. "What are you doing here?"

She shook her head and looked away, "I could ask you the same thing?"

"I'm looking for you!"

The squid demon took in their appearances for the first time. Their clothes were strange. The girl wore pants and not a skirt. And the boy wore a small shirt with words printed on it. It had been a long time since he had come up from the cave but he was delighted to see the clothing matched the girl in his dreams. Made it seem less crazy and also… meant the time was near.

The girl pressed her face into her palms and sobbed. "I'm sorry. I.. I want to be… happy for you but I just can't…"

There was nothing else said, the boy stomping up to the girl and wrapping his hold around her hard. A few moments passed with them like that and then, the boy whispered, "Let's be happy together then?"

The girl tried to pull away to see or fight, the demon wasn't sure, but the boy refused to let her go, no matter what she did. "You… you were with her! I saw you! You love her!"

"No, I don't."

This was the boy she was pining for and now that he was here for her, she fought against him hard? Pushing and hitting? The boy didn't let go and the squid was close to stepping in. The girl may have wanted the boy but she wanted him to let go now! Just as he pushed off the rock he had camouflaged himself to, the boy pulled the girl back and she jumped up to kiss him. The squid watched on in awe, completely confused about what was going on.

The girl, Christine, wanted this boy so much, she considered ending her life when he wasn't in it. Then, when he comes for her, she tries to push him away? All ending with the two of them intimately pressed together? The squid made his leave when the two started taking off clothing, slinking back down to the water. But the scene never left his brain, not as he caught his dinner or swam back to his cave.

Is that how women were now? Wearing pants and pretending to want one thing when they really wanted the other?

The question was still buzzing in his brain when he laid down, safe from the current and crushing waves deep in his dark home. He had barely closed his eyes when he saw her, his sweet girl. She had stopped being sweet long ago, now bitter and scorned. He longed for her, just like Christine did for that boy. Only difference was, Christine wanted to die for the boy while the squid wanted to live for Sango. It pained him to watch over the years as she was used and abused by men. He would never do that to her.

Now he watched as she left a place full of tables and white cloth. She looked amazing even if the dress wasn't what he was used to. He could tell, she was trying hard, the curls dying in her hair proof. He knew her better than anyone, Sango was trying to look really nice even though she was gorgeous no matter what she did.

Sango returned to her home, sitting beside her friend. He liked Kagome. She was smart and strong, he could see it through Sango's eyes sometimes. The dreams varied from him watching to him seeing. Tonight, he watched. But he could still see the disappointment and heartbreak on his dear Sango's face. He would never do that to her.

That was when he saw the book.

Every demon knew of witches and their abilities. What humans called witches, demons called dark Priestesses. But it was the same, good or bad, their witches were our Priestesses. In fact, Sango's dear friend Kagome had a little Priestess in her. It was one of the reasons she searched books like the one Sango held now and why the squid liked her so much. Deep down, the squid demon always knew Kagome would be the one to bring him to his mate.

Right there, in Sango's hands, was exactly how he could be with her. Years, he had spent alone and then the dreams came of Sango. He, at first, felt the dreams of her were enough. But as she grew into a woman and started seeing other men, he needed to be by her side. He didn't fault her for having a love life. For being with other men. But he didn't like the men she chose, breaking her and making her sullen. Those men were ruining his mate.

Sango shed a few tears he wished he could brush away for her and flipped through the book. More than ever, he wished he could affect these dreams. Be heard or seen or something.

Sango was nearing the right page and had turned from truly reading to glancing idly. If he didn't do something, she was going to miss the spell that would bring them together. Christine, the girl on the cliff, came to his mind. So the squid knelt down next to his love, silently prayed to the above, then whispered.

"I can be yours, Sango. Just read the next page."

It was all he could do. And he knew this already, his dreams may have given him a human body but they didn't allow him to do anything human. Like touch or smell his mate.

If Sango skipped over the page, the one with the incantation for a mate, he was going to lose his mind. He might actually throw himself off the cliff! But that wouldn't kill him, he already tried back before Sango was alive.

He watched with bated breath as her fingers gripped the frail paper, pulling it up and over, revealing the page he had been waiting years for her to see and discover. Not moving an inch, not even breathing if that was really a thing in this dream state, he listened. Sango didn't push on past the page like she had the others. Instead, she read. Intently.

Her breath caught, just like Christine's on the cliff, and Sango read over the words again and again and again. So he leaned into her ear again and whispered. "This is it. This is what you've been searching for."

Reaching out, he pretended to brush her hair out of her face, holding his hand off her skin just enough for it to seem real. If he actually tried to touch her, his hand would go through her like the illusion it all was. But with this page in her hold, it wouldn't be long now. Sango would show this to Kagome and the two of them would be compelled by fate to enact it.

It was only a matter of time, and for the first time, he didn't detest the thought of the ticking clock.

oOo

Naraku

"Ah… ah… oh Naraku…. AH!"

Naraku didn't stop his rough thrusts into the girl under him until he came, just as she had. He made sure to pull out but didn't hesitate to get his cum all over her sheets. He didn't want the attachment to this woman, like a bastard child, but he did want to mark his territory. Naraku would never see this woman again but she would think of him long after.

She was cooing on the bed behind him as he got to his feet and to his clothes. "That was… amazing…"

The woman was drunk, what did she know? He had gotten his release, that was all he cared about. It wasn't amazing in the least but it would do for now.

Naraku already had his slacks on his hips when she caught on to his hurried movements. "Wait… you're not staying?"

Glancing back, he caught the genuine disappointment on the woman's face and he huffed. "As… Lovely as this was, it was far from the best for me."

"Excuse me?"

Releasing a frustrated sigh, Naraku turned back to the woman. "Look, I've already forgotten your name. You're not the one I really want and that's a good thing for you. You got to have a nice evening and great sex. I, however, just got to cum on your sheets."

"You're an asshole!"

Turning, he went for the door, "yes, I know."

The truly important thing about all of this was keeping himself awake. The last thing he wanted was to sleep lately. His nightmares were the worst. All he ever dreamed of lately was his mate fucking other men. Who wanted to sleep while that was going on in their head?

Now out on the small and empty street of the tiny town, he lived in, Naraku stretched his human arms over his head high and shook the fatigue out of his bones the best he could. He had been up for… fifty-one hours now? He really wasn't counting. That was one thing he lost when he gave up his demon body for a human one, he tired.

He did love sex though, and the human women made it so easy for him. Practically threw themselves at him. The Priestess that gave him this body included.

Pausing for a moment, he drew a hand through his golden locks to straighten them and rubbed some of the sleep out of his bright blue eyes. Sometimes he missed his darker coloring but beggars couldn't be choosy. And this body was nice, slender and strong. It would do, it got him what he wanted. Fucking the Priestess hadn't been planned but when she offered him his immortality with his human body, he banged the old hag, giving her his 'virginity' as she put it.

So really, although not how he saw himself, this body was perfect. Except for the hunger and need for rest.

This was the first time he had pushed his body so long so hard ever and the sidewalk was starting to sway beneath him. It made his stomach turn, all of it reminding him of when he first moved his soul into this body. It hadn't been that long ago and the memory of it was still fresh. Just like a nightmare, he found himself fighting the feeling. He didn't want to go anywhere, not into another body, and not to sleep. The last thing he wanted was to ever see his damn mate.

Now he was running. Down the street and stumbling as he did. Where could he go? Back to the woman he just left? He doubted he could talk her into another round after how he treated her. It wouldn't be the first time he weaved his honeyed words and twisted his lips into a devilish smile to get his way. But he didn't have the energy. It was draining from him fast.

The last thing he did was fall. It was into an alley that was at least clean. A homeless man hovered over him, asking him if he was alright but his mouth refused to move to answer. That was it until he found himself standing in a strange place with two strange men.

They were naked but so was he. Searching his body, he found his skin was no longer pale and instead of olive. Then, a dark lock fell over his shoulder and into his view. Touching the foreign strand, it felt coarse and textured. His hair had been short to his scalp and soft. Not to mention light blonde. Now his hair was mahogany brown.

Looking around, Naraku decided he had to be in an apartment. It looked similar to the one he left moments ago. Wait.. had it been moments? It was nearly dawn when he stepped back on the street but now the sun was setting.

Stomping around the couch and the other fools taking in the place, Naraku found a clock on the stove. It read seven but he had to guess that it meant seven pm. Next, he found a bathroom. Inspecting himself in the mirror, he couldn't complain. This was body was more aligned with what he expected the first time he was given a human form. The old Priestess had given him a body that matched her fantasies. Not his.

The two fools were still looking around the place. Naraku looked at the two of them. One had white hair and dog ears while the other had dark features, like him, but a strange-looking penis. Naraku only had his to compare and he was flawless. The poor fellow had a gnarly looking dick.

Not Naraku's problem though.

"They did it." The odd cock fellow whispered. "They actually did it! We're here!"

"The hell are you talking about?"

The strange penis man looked at him with a grin. "Our mates; they summoned us."

The man with the ears made a strange yipping sound and went to the door. Then he just stood there, silent and happily waiting. Naraku, on the other hand, was seething. "Why the hell would they do that?!"

"Because they wanted us?" Odd cock answered. "Just as we wanted them."

"I didn't want my mate. I didn't want any of this!"

"You didn't want to be human?" The one by the door asked, cocking his ears to the sides.

"I already was human! I had a life, one I enjoyed. Now I'm stuck here in this body with a slut for a mate!"

"You can't blame your mate for what they did before they knew you…" Weird prick started.

Naraku cut him off, "I can and I will. I'm going to fuck my mate and move on. Then she'll move on as that is what she does."

"You know her better than anyone, do you really think that's true?"

Naraku glared at the one with ears. He was still by the door, acting like a dog. Perhaps that's where the ears came from? Being a dog first while Naraku was human had made his transformation seamless while these two still had animal features. Must have been a weak spell or Priestess. Or one that wasn't dark, it was a spell for a Dark Priestess to do, not a good one.

But the dog was perceptive, even for a mutt. Naraku did know his mate well. All about her past. How her father left her and her mother beat her for it. None of it was ever Kikyo's fault but she took the blame anyway. And then she tried to replace her family with anyone willing. They never lived up to her standards as far as a lover. Kikyo had many missteps with her friends throughout the years but had finally made some good ones.

Whether they had anything to do with him in this damn body now, Naraku didn't know. But Kikyo would have told them for sure, she trusted those two more than anyone.

But none of that mattered. "Look, pup, I had a life and a body. An immortal one. And now I'm stuck in this one. It will age and I will die thanks to my damn mate. Nothing she can do will make up for that."

It was clear on their faces that they didn't agree with him but they remained silent about it. All that was left was to wait. Their mates would enter and he could take his away to show her what she'd been missing. Then never see her again.

These fools. They wanted to be tied to their mates and this life.

Naraku had something to lose, something he did lose. While these two freaks didn't know what they were missing. The one with the funky johnson was going to find out soon. No way his mate would accept that messed up schlong inside her. The guy was going to die a virgin. Some life.

The mutt started going nuts so Naraku had to assume that meant their mates were there. Chunky phallus took a deep breath to steady himself while the puppy scratched at the door. The first one to enter, the dog jumped on. Naraku recognized her from his dreams, a close friend to his mate, Kagome was more than just another woman. That much was clear to Naraku and to peculiar peter as they both slightly bowed to the woman on instinct. He couldn't control it and Kagome didn't even notice. Too distracted by her new pet.

When his mate entered, he felt light-headed. Never had a woman affected him as Kikyo did and he hated it. Her eyes went to him and she offered him a coy smile. So he smiled back, knowing just what she wanted from him. He would supply it in spades but she wouldn't be satisfied by another ever again.

That was his revenge for taking him away from his perfect body and shoving him into a mortal one.

oOo

Inuyasha

He took careful steps, the pads of his paws pressing into the pavement and stinging slightly from the heat of it. Inuyasha hated the crowded city life but he had no choice. This was where he was needed.

Inuyasha was behind his prey, and they were yet to take notice. He was an excellent hunter, it was how he found her so far from his and her home. Would she recognize him? Would she be scared? It was far from the first time he had found her and approached but it had been a few years.

Creeping up, he watched her bend over to pick something off the ground. Studying her hindquarters, head to stop himself from mounting her. But he did stick his muzzle against it, feeling the plushness of it against his nose.

She shrieked and turned, ready to swat. But all of her anger melted away when she took sight of him. "Awwweee, hello there, Puppy."

Getting down on one knee, she held out a hand for him to smell but he knew her scent better than anything. Inuyasha quickly licked her fingers before she could pull away, getting a sweet giggle out of her.

"Where did you come from? Are you lost?"

He was right where he was supposed to be, pushing headfirst into her arms. Inuyasha was a little too eager and she fell to the ground from her perch, onto her lovely ass.

"Whoa, I like you too."

Kagome was laughing, letting him lick her just as she always did. But he pulled back to let her return the affection, scratching him behind his ears. She sighed softly, happy, and he wished more than anything to always make her feel this way. But he couldn't, not in this form. Inuyasha was pretty sure she would freak if she knew the truth about him. He was a dog demon.

Thanks to his human mother and the curse put upon half-demon children, Inuyasha got to spend the first five years of his life in a human body, only to be forced into a dog form for the rest of it. That way, he knew what he lost and had no way to fix it. Oh, how Inuyasha's mother had wept.

Even knowing he was hurting himself and his mate, he just couldn't stay away from Kagome.

The last time he saw her, she was just becoming an adult. And she was crying. Over some asshole that broke her heart. It tore at him greatly, never wanting to share his mate with anyone, but it wasn't her fault. It was all Inuyasha's.

Now, she looked better. Older and happier. But there was still an underlying sadness to her. He could see and smell it. And he could see it in his dreams, how she often cried when she was alone. It broke him even more to see it. So he pushed deeper into her and Kagome wrapped her arms around him fully, allowing him to nuzzle her neck.

"You remind me of a dog I once knew. But, he would be long dead now." No, he wasn't, I'm right here in front of you. "He was gorgeous, just like you."

Only Kagome ever made him feel like this. Like he wasn't a monster. He licked her ear tenderly as a reward for her kindness. She repaid him with another giggle.

When she pulled back from him, a sad look on her face, he knew what she was going to say. "I wish I could take you home with me. But my place doesn't allow dogs." Just as he thought; she was going to leave him soon. "I have a few minutes right now if you want to take a walk with me?"

He wagged his tail so hard, it might fall off. Kagome laughed brightly and got to her feet. People passed them, giving her strange looks, but Kagome ignored them as usual. Never had she ever made him feel lesser. It was one of the many things he loved about her.

Kagome sat on a bench in the park she led him to. Inuyasha recognized the place as Kagome visited it often. To relax and think. He had watched her for hours over the years, never being too far from her if he could help it.

Hopping up, he joined her on the bench and sat in her lap as much as he could. Her laughter returned, welcoming him even as he overwhelmed her with his size. They soon fell into a comfortable silence, Kagome running her fingers through his mane in a tantalizing and relaxing manner. If he were ever to die, this was where he wanted to be when he did.

The more time that passed, the more fear crept up into his belly that she would soon leave him. Or that he would leave her, unable to stay with her like this for very long. It killed him but it was how it had to be. Until the curse of his form was broken, he could never be with a human for long. They always met misfortune. Kagome was different but he didn't dare chance it.

She sighed and he knew this would have to end soon. Her fingers were tracing around his ears so things were about to get dangerous if he didn't leave soon. For both of them.

"The last time I saw that dog you remind me of… I was such a mess. I should have taken him in and I always regretted it. But, stupid me, thought that he would be a replacement. You see… my boyfriend had just… dumped me." What she meant was, she found out he was seeing another woman at the same time and Kagome left him, but she was trying to save face in front of Inuyasha. Kagome didn't know he was the same dog and her mate, and that he knew all. "I didn't want to take the responsibility lightly or on a whim. But I wish I had, he was so sweet. Just like you." She found his chin and scratched, making his foot dance. "I feel like… dogs like you are always around when I need them the most. You've always been there for me haven't you?" It was as if, Kagome looked into his soul through his eyes, looking for the answer he couldn't answer. "What if… I just snuck you into my place? You could live with me for as long as you like. I would take really good care of you, I promise."

His heart leapt in excitement no matter how much Inuyasha told it to calm down. He couldn't live with Kagome no matter how much he wanted to. More than anything, he wanted to tell her this. Tell her he loved her and wanted to be with her but that he couldn't. He couldn't risk giving her his curse. And that he would always want more. Inuyasha was sure he could never live with Kagome while she loved other men.

Inuyasha would risk that to be with her forever though.

As it were, the worst that would happen is he would outlive her. He would have to watch her age while he never so much as shred a fang. That would be the worst curse of all.

She carefully pushed him back and got to her feet. "Stay here. I'll be right back."

Kagome ran, skipping as she fled. Inuyasha watched her as long as he could before leaving the bench and the woman he loved behind. A few feet away, he watched from the cover of some trees as she returned. His heart fell with hers, watching her slump with a sob to the bench they had shared.

Reaching into her bag, the plastic one she had returned with, he caught sight of the red collar in her hands. Running her fingers over it, Kagome took another moment to mourn and then left. While he would never stop mourning.

[nathalie-sancoeur-assistant]

Miracle Queen

At long last, my late Miracle Queen analysis is here....I apologize for the wait, this would have been out yesterday but unfortunately I realized I had places to be. 

As usual, spoilers are below

Marinette and Luka

DId anyone else take Marinette asking Luka about that “perfect tune” as a different take on asking someone out? Because she asked about it, but then Luka didn’t play it because she was still thinking about Adrien.  Then at the end of the episode, he ass “Are you sure you want to hear it” after she was done thinking about what Master Fu said about life not always giving you what you want or expect but it not necessarily being a bad thing. 

Low-key I interpreted the end of Miracle Queen being the start of a Lukanette relationship. 

And he pulled a Chat Noir here.

“No!” for once when Adrien doesn’t want someone’s advances they actually stop. Kagami respect.

“I mean, yes!” This boy is so confused... I mean, clearly he likes Kagami. He could probably see himself being in a sucessful relationship with her but he’s so confused by his feelings for Ladybug, these surfacing feelings for Kagami and his repressed feelings for Marinette...poor kid.

“Your indecision is hurtful, Adrien” I like that she’s not pushing him, but letting him know that he needs to gather himself soon. 

---

“For a moment there, I thought you only had to wear glasses to get a miraculous” 

Hawkmoth and Mayura: Well....

“Dont know this one, he’s cute,  but he gets his clothes from a dumpstser” Luka X Chloe has been canonically shot down. 

Okay so...now Hawkmoth knows the identies of ALL the miraculous wearers outside of Ladybug and Chat Noir...what now? I mean, these all have to be people Ladybug knows and trusts right?- Hawkmoth now knows all their identities, so, he can find out what they have in common. 

They all go to the same school. If he found that out, he could narrow it down to have Ladybug be going to their school as well. 

Then, he could find out WHO they all have in common. Most of them are class mates, so it’s likely someone in THEIR class, but what about Kagami and Luka? The classmates all have relationships with their fellow classmates in common, but Kagami and Luka? Who do they have in common with the class? 

Marinette and Adrien. If it weren’t for Kagami, Juleka. So this is actually kinda dangerous for Marinette if Gabriel and Nathalie followed that line of thinking. 

---

Oh my sweet stars...

She’s going down

He’s yelling timber

No but like she was legit just falling down and he just

I don’t know I just get the feeling this scared him.She completely rag-dolled like on some of those video games, and his instinct wasn’t to just catch her either, no, it was to just completely wrap her up in his arms like a burrito.

Then he’s asking her forgiveness, like...he knows he’s in the wrong letting her use it even if she is willing to help him or not. But he can’t do it without her. 

“Don’t blame yourself. From the very first day, I knew that I’d do anything for you.”

So basically what happened was, she was quite fond of Gabriel and loved his family before all of this. But as soon as he told her he was going supervillain, she got smacked in the face with something more because she got to see how much he was willing to do to keep his family intact. 

And he pulls her closer

And then just absolutely melts into her hand

And I am here for it.

I love them and they love each other. 

She’s so pretty. Now, that aside- she brought back Hawkmoth’s sentimonster. Is it a new one or the same one? It certainly looks the same...but what emotion has it been created from, exactly? Does that matter when reviving a sentimonster, assuming it’s supposed to be the same one? Or is it completely different aside from appearance? Her eyes are pretty in these shots.

I am in no way attracted to Gabriel but when we get shots like this I can kinda understand why Nathalie would be.

---

This positive reinforcement...absolutely wonderful. She already had a breakdown and was on the verge of another. Chat kept that from happening and did his job as her kitty to keep her grounded and focused. They’re starting to see each other in different lights, her opening up to him so much emotionally like that proves that no matter what they’ll always have an unbreakable bond. They’re literally each other’s pillar of support.

“Littlebug” I love it. Imagine if that’s what he calls his future daughter assuming they get together in the future? Adorable. 

“No, its to dangerous! To many powers at the same time”- Master Fu has obviously been teaching Chat Noir too. He’s been getting all the info Ladybug has it seems, just from that line. I like that detail. 

Sometimes I like to imagine Gabriel or Nathalie in place of Hawkmoth and Mayura and this started cracking me up because it reminded me of Simon Says. Flutter flutter. Flap flap.

Who knew snakes liked cheese?

Cutie. And I like how the second time Adrien got the snake miraculous, he was actually able to wield it as necessary because he wasn’t trying to impress Ladybug, 

Okay so, I like how in this shot they didn’t have him breathing or talking and all the noise seemed to kinda stop. It’s realistic and I like that attention to detail.

Gabriel, honey...ily but you’re dumb. Ladybug is right there, her purifying that akuma before it even reaches it’s target was predictable. 

Also when Chloe opened up there, and Ladybug’s face as she realized exactly what all of this was about- I think it hurt both of them. But Ladybug’s already explained herself. Chloe should have known that if she wanted her miraculous back from Ladybug it wasn’t going to be easy. She already told her so...yeah I understand though. She’s just hurt and let it get the best of her. Girl needs to get her emotions in check. 

Sometimes you an really Tell Gabriel lives in the present without thinking much about the consequences of certain things. He looks so freaking happy about Chloe being so adamantly against Ladybug now and wearing all the miraculous, but how is she going to know what to say to transform before Ladybug gets the miraculous away from her? I understand the excitement of a new ally but “I don’t even need to do anything” Idk if you really want her to be able to use all the miraculous and potentially lose her mind as implied from Kwami Buster you might want to distract Ladybug and Chat so she can figure out the right transformation words. 

“Checkmate, Ladybug!” I have little to say except I love it when villains say “checkmate” during battle. 10/10 dialogue. 

He evil laughs so much in this sequence. I wonder if he’s practiced it? Has Nathalie ever walked in on him practicing his evil laugh in the mirror? and this...

Don’t say checkmate until the opponent has no more pawns to move, And the reactiosn the kwamis have? How many masters have they grown to love and admire that they lost just like that? Also I recall someone saying that this thing has a plot hole in it, but I think that Master Fu really was the true guardian of this particular box just from the backstory he has, he was given the miraculous box and grimoir by another master to protect. So he was in a way established as guardian of that box and so I see no reason why he shouldn’t be able to hand ownership over to anyone of his choice. 

“Hawkmoth! Tell them to give me my box back!” Did anyone else find that hilarious? Like a spoiled child running to a father who has the backbone of a chocolate eclair. 

Except in this case he has the backbone of like...a steel rod. 

And then he just goes to scoop up Mayura. 

“How disappointing...”

I like Mayura’s face here too. “Oh, he’s picking me up? Alright, okay I guess so, that’s fine.”

I literally slow down the playback scenes to watch these scenes go slower. It looks like their heads are touching.

That’s a whole mood. Me too. 

“Im going to New York with Mommy!” Chloe you’re a comedian. 

Wow, she really looks like she’s hurting. 

“Oh my Nathalie...” 

There’s not even a comma, he called her his. 

“There are no words to express how sorry I am”

“No, not for nothing” she still remains the optimistic one. She’s comforting him when she’s the one in need. He obviously thinks she should be upset with him but she just continues telling him its okay. All she cares about is making sure he’s happy and doesn’t want him to blame himself for her choices. Gabriel get this woman a ring. 

---

“Goodbye....Master”

I feel so bad for these kwamis. How long does it take before they break after watching everyone they love eventually just die? Have any of them ever emotionally distanced themselves from mortals to avoid the heartbreak when they inevitably lose them? And without Wayzz how long does Master Fu have left being almost 200 years old?

Chloe is really putting on her clown wig in this episode. Mommy is staying in Paris so she can’t go to New York now. Karma, am I right?

“Even if like doesn’t give us the gifts we were hoping for, the true gift is life itself”....And that’s why I think Lukanette is basically canon by the end of the episode. Master Fu’s words play out in her head as she sits next to Luka and she’s not stuttering around Adrien. Her ice cream changes, and I just can’t help but feel like the whole melody thing was symbolic of her accepting Luka’s love and deciding to move on.

They can finally be together...

“Thank you young lady, I will never forget you” if only he knew...

And the way it ended, the endcard...it was all just very sweet and fitting. I do hope Marinette and Adrien will be together by the time Miraculous ends (it’s obviously endgame) but them developing a strong, loving friendship that isn’t plagued with stuttering and stalking is going to be crucial for them to really have a chance at making it. Adrien and Kagami and Luka and Marinette do make sense as couples as we get to know Kagami and Luka more. Still though, I do hope that Adrien and Marinette find each other in the end. There’s to much symbolism pointing to them being (as much as I hate the term) soul mates for them not to. 

And for the record, same with Gabenath imo. Gabriel IS losing his certainties, after all...

[hideandspeaknow]

Heartbreak Putting Me Back on Sertraline

I stopped taking my medication last week. The love of my life left me 7 weeks ago because after 4 and half years of telling me he loved me every single day, including the morning of the day he left, he turned around one random day and said he didn’t love me and hadn’t for about 2 years. Every little thing or look he’d given me, where I felt loved or saw love in his eyes, was a lie. I felt every connection every single day like electricity and you can’t fake that. Every time I mentioned something like getting a dog with me, moving out, asking me to marry him, having sex with me, he just said he was forcing it. All the moments I treasured and that gave me a new lease of life were being ripped from me. 

One of the main reasons we got on so well all those years ago was because we both felt like we didn’t fit in with our families and that we didn’t care about money. When I didn’t have the money to move out with him, he told me to anyway, that he would always look after me. He didn’t like me buying things for myself, he’d always buy me them and I saw this as love and kindness. He’d even offer me money for things like catching a train and I’d tell him no. He even said his work mates told him he had a golden misses because theirs rinses them for every penny and he can’t even give me money. Then the day he left he basically told me he felt used for his money. Another blow to my mental health. I’d spent years telling him money didn’t matter to me, to stop spending it on me or giving it me. Did it just go over his head?

So I said that when I had the money I would pay him for the furniture he left behind and he made a dig about how I owe him a lot more than that. Another blow, because I never asked for a penny, he always insisted and said he would look after me and then because he’s decided he doesn’t love me, he wanted it all back? Did he want the time spent with me back to? It would never even cross my mind to ask for all the money back for the presents and food I bought, so why did it him? Why was money the main issue for him leaving now, when he’d said for years money didn’t matter?

I got myself a job after he left and when I told him he scoffed. That pain I’ll never forget, it was like a cold sinking feeling that shot from my heart right into the pit of my stomach. I couldn’t get a job before because Loki needed 24 hour supervision and he said whatever job I got it wouldn’t make more than him if he had to stay at home with Loki some of the days, which was fair enough, it was true, so I worked for him from home. I thought I’d done something really good getting myself this job and was proud of myself and I got knocked down with a scoff and a “funny how you can get a job once I’ve left.” Coming from someone I am in love with was a hard blow on it’s own, but saying it knowing I looked after Loki and he told me I wouldn’t earn more was an entirely different blow.

Anyway, so I agreed and said I’d get him the money somehow and he told me it didn’t matter that he was sorry. Why bring it up then? And then because I was left in the shit, lost my job and with rent to pay he offered me money to get me by, which was very kind, but to which I said no, like always and he got offended. It was breaking me that it was being used against me and that I couldn’t win. It was also really mentally confusing. I was trying to deal with the fact he was leaving me, but then also couldn’t work out what he wanted money or not?

It doesn’t make sense? Yes I know, it doesn’t make sense to me either.

It was almost as if in a day he was a completely different person and when I said I feel like he’s just trying to be mean so that I move on quicker, he told me to stop fishing there’s nothing there. He’s never treated me so low in all our years together. I felt confused, broken and worthless. Nothing snaps in a person like that within the time it takes to go to work and come home. I’d literally die for him and that hasn’t changed in the 7 weeks since he left. I still want him back with every breath I take, because at the end of the day I’m not one to walk away when there’s obviously some inner struggle going on.

I assumed it was because he had mental health issues, so I was being understanding. Over the years I’ve picked him up, told him to get help, take a step back from work or go to the doctors, he always said no. One day he got low about his friends, so I messaged them and they said they’d talk to him. They never did. I was the one who picked him up, cared for him, loved him and showed him that I would be there come rain or shine. That I’d hold him when things got dark for him and make sure he knew he was loved. He fell out with his family, I told him he’d need to build a bridge and start talking, he’d tell me no. I just wanted the best for him always, because I am so in love with him. I never felt like it was a chore or a burden, I love him and I love supporting him, always. Then he left and used all these things against me and all I wanted was for him to get help.

It absolutely crippled me. To the point I felt like I was suffocating. Every. Single. Day.

And it’s not him whose made me feel this way. I’ve done it to myself. Everything he said was right. If time had gone by and his friends hadn’t contacted, I should have harassed them again. If he bought me something after saying no, I should have returned it. I should have rang the doctors for him to get him onto medication or counselling. I shouldn’t have moved out until I had the money. I should have done more to work around not being able to work. Maybe find a job working nights whilst he did days. I just know now that I should have done so much more. I am the reason I wasn’t enough. I am the reason now that the person I pictured myself growing old with and travelling the world with has left me. It’s my fault my mental health is so low.

But it’s not like i spend all my time wallowing. I am bettering myself. I booked my driving theory and started lessons, so that I can share in the driving. I got myself a job so that he wouldn’t feel the need to spend money. I’ve got self help to show that I know I can depend on myself. I’m trying so hard to come back as a better person and my fear is that it’s all for nothing.

I still want him back so bad. I forgive him for everything he’s said and done. I don’t believe for a second he means any of it or that he doesn’t love me. He wouldn’t let me out after dark because he wanted me safe, and sometimes the way he’d touch me... just no. I know, even if mental health is blocking him now, I know he loves me. 

Anyway, I was talking about medication. The first two weeks was very hard on me. I was dying to know how he was doing and wasn’t getting anything back, so I got myself put onto different medication whilst I dealt with the heartbreak and was on a counselling waiting list. I was having a lot of crippling panic attacks multiple times a day, I lost 2 stone and wasn’t eating and I honestly just didn’t see the point in anything. It’s not that my happiness was dependant on someone else, but losing the person you’re in love with is really mentally damning.

I stopped taking my medication because I still felt really low whilst on it. It’s not that it wasn’t working, but I figured there was no point in the medication since it’s not going to take my pain away, only dull the chemical imbalance in my brain. About four days after I came off it, I found myself curled up in a ball on the bathroom floor at 1:00am, crying my eyes out, legs shaking uncontrollably, staring at my wrists, begging myself not to do anything stupid. I won. It took me 45 minutes, but I gave myself a talking to and picked myself up. He might not even care anymore if i did go through with it, since i haven’t even been asked how i’m doing, but in my head I told myself that if I ended my life he would blame himself and I wouldn’t be able to be here to tell him otherwise. I wouldn’t be able to tell him that I did it because I can’t deal with my own pain. I could never do that to someone I love. He saved me without even knowing. I love him so much that life is worth living.

I’ve spent the days since battling with myself on whether I want to go back on my medication. The fact I’ve been waking up everyday feeling numb and crying was a big selling point. So, I took the leap this morning and went back to my old medication, Sertraline instead of the new one’s I got put on and I’ve never felt so ill. About a couple hours after I started taking them again I just went really dizzy and have thrown up twice.

[insideimasadrainbow]

Jikook Galore 2

I didn’t expect this to blow up so I’m here to share some more Jikook fics <3 The ratings vary and there will be ABO AU included as well as this being all bottom Jimin if there’s smut~ 

Summary:  Their child was their pride and joy, and Jimin couldn't be more excited to hold their child in his arms.When no heartbeat was found, that joy turned to soul-crushing sorrow. LINK https://archiveofourown.org/works/13639149 

This one is kid Jimin/demon Jeongguk~ Summary: Jimin is 5 years old.On the subway late at night with his father; there’s only a few other people in the car with them, and it’s unusually empty. And sitting right across from tiny Jimin and his dad where he sits holding his father’s big safe hand is Jungkook. In all black. And he’s staring right at Jimin. And Jimin stares right back. And it almost looks as if Jungkook is watching Jimin, almost like he isn’t sure if Jimin is actually seeing him or not?Because no one should be able to see Jungkook. LINK: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14730977

Boy to girl Jimin, so sweet!! Summary:  “I was a girl trapped in a boy’s body,” she says, choking through her words, giving her all to not crumble and cry; she has done enough crying for a lifetime, she’s happy and proud of where she stands now, of who she is. “I’m a transgender girl.”LINK: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14584944

I’m pretty sure we’ve all read this one but just in case~ Summary:  modernsherlock!au - The first time Jeon Jungkook meets Park Jimin, the other boy is dissecting what looks like a penis. LINK: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6698392

This is soft soft soft SOFT~ Summary:  Jeon Jeongguk is a beloved solo idol - complete with eccentricities, raw talent, and so much more. Park Jimin is his loyal, gorgeous stylist, eager to please and even more eager to be complimented after said pleasing. LINK: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13188042/chapters/30166368

Summary:  “the—fuck! the doors won’t open!”“stop pushing buttons! y-you might make it worse!”jimin felt heat brush along his face as reality crashed down on him; he was stuck in this tiny little box with the insufferable junior he was forced to be around. he was in hell.“how am i going to make it worse?” the taller boy merely commented as he tried pushing every button on the board. jimin felt a headache brewing behind his browbone.“just, stop— i am not going to die with jeon jungkook of all people.” LINK: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12171267

LISTEN THIS IS THE CUTEST GODDAMN JIKOOK STORY, I CAN’T COPE~ Summary:  in which jungkook, as a child, befriends the exceptionally adorable, small and friendless jimin, not knowing that after a few years, he’ll be wrecking this very boy underneath himself, making him whimper out his name.[or jimin is so small and adorable that jungkook can’t help but befriend him, consequently falling in love with jimin and giving jimin everything which he asks for, including fucking him against their bedroom wall] LINK: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13123932/chapters/30023820

Jeongguk feels for this one, poor baby :(~ Summary:  It must be confusing for him, his best friend constantly telling him how he deserves to be happy— deserves the entire world, but never really supporting him properly when he finds a new boy who makes him gush. It’s not Jimin’s fault. He doesn’t know that Jeongguk has been in love with him for three years. It’s not a big deal, though. Jeongguk is perfectly capable of being Jimin’s best friend anyway. Probably.orJeongguk is in love with Jimin. He watches him get his heart broken over and over again and doesn't tell him anyway. LINK: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10642638

ABO~ Summary:  “It’s all my fault. Me and my stupid pheromones. I seduced you,” Jimin says. "Because of me—we're mated, you're bonded with me, you’re unconditionally bound to me for the rest of your life!—you’re just a pup and how could I—”“I’m not a pup,” Jungkook growls, voice laced with venom. “I’m your alpha Jimin. Not a pup, but your alpha.” Jimin whimpers.“I’m not a kid anymore hyung. I thought you’d get that by now after I fucked you and bred you.”Jimin’s mouth opens wordlessly in shock. LINK: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12921051

Summary:  Maybe Jungkook likes seeing Jimin soaking and scrubbing down cars in a wet t-shirt a little too much. LINK: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12694623

Summary:  Where the seven of them are left trapped in their dorms with no internet and no work to do, and they play a game of hide and seek. Well, five of them were, Jungkook and Jimin were making out in Taehyung's closet. Like all hide and seek games end, they were found. LINK: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10876074

Not for the weak hearted :P~ Summary:  Jeongguk has a thing for his step-father LINK: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12232512/chapters/27790884

I love this Jikook :(~ Summary:  Jimin might be a little lost but Jeongguk is there to find him. LINK: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12751662

Summary:  Jimin didn't think he'd meet the love of his life on a slow day at the library, but he doesn't mind. LINK: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12680790

My honey wrote this for me so give it lots of love and enjoy, it’s Hercules related~ Summary:  Jimin is the best overachiever he knows. He’s on his way to becoming a leader, someone he’s always wanted to be.What happens when a kid comes along threatening to One-up everything Jimin’s worked hard for, easily? LINK:  https://archiveofourown.org/works/12613128

Summary:  In which jikook have feelings for each other but are afraid to tell each other but finally do. LINK: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8380099/chapters/19198069

Summary:  To Park Jimin, Jeongguk is everything. He make him happy and content living his life. But Jeongguk deserve happiness too, Jeongguk will be a good father to someone one day. Sadly, he can't give Jeongguk that part of happiness and bliss. LINK: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12418968

Mpreg~ Summary:  Jimin and Jungkook decide that it’s time to take the next step in their relationship and start a family. Eager and impatient, they have no idea what they’ve just signed up for. or: a pair of overstressed husbands find a way to love each other through stomach cramps, back pains, suspicious food cravings, childbirth, sleepless nights, and so on. LINK: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12135312/chapters/27527961

Soulmate AU~ Summary:  A request I got from tumblr: Headcannons: jikook soulmate au where you can hear a song in your head that reflects your soul mates mood. Jungkook is in a good mood most of the time so Jimin will often hear pop songs in his head. Jungkook however always hears sad songs in his head. One day instead of the artists voice singing, he hears his soul mates voice in his head. His voice sounds so broken whilst singing a beautifully heartbreaking song that Jungkook yearns to find his soulmate &give him the world. (They find eachother) LINK: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11391507

Summary:  When Namjoon got home he didn’t really expect to find two of his members making out in the kitchen. It wasn’t really something that happened…ever. Today was different apparently.ORThe BTS members lose their patience with Jimin and Jungkook's endless PDA LINK: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11534004

Flood of feels this next one~ Summary:  Sometimes the things we need to say most are the things we never get a chance to.After Jungkook says something hurtful to Jimin in the heat of the moment, the whole group is angry with him. He doesn't even blame them; how could he hurt someone as sweet and lovable as Park Jimin? But before he gets a chance to work up the nerve and apologize properly, the boys get into a car accident.Will Jungkook ever get a chance to say what's really on his mind? Or will he be too far away for even Jimin to reach him? LINK: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12003513

Summary:  Jungkook clenches his hands into fists, rope digging into his skin as he shifts. He turns his head slightly to where Jimin is watching at the side of the bed, eyes wide and eager as he bites his lip. He looks gorgeous in the soft light, face deceptively sweet and angelic. Jungkook knows the dirty ideas going through Jimin’s head, and his body flushes all over at the realization that Jimin looks like this–-naked and flushed in the glow of the lamplight--because of him.“You look,” Jimin stops, swallows, “good.” LINK: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5650828

*inhales deeply* VMINKOOK~ Summary:  “This is my second video. I am quite new at this.” His shaky laugh is directed towards his folded hands. Being in the presence of two very skilled, very attractive men, and Taehyung is going to be fucking one of them? LINK, if you’re into threesomes: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7273066

I DON’T UNDERSTAND HOW LITTLE VIEWS THIS NEXT FIC HAS IT IS THE SOFTEST CUTEST FIC EVER AND GETS A DASH OF STEAMY NEAR THE END BUT HELL IT’S SO SO SO PRECIOUS~ Summary:  When you crack an egg, you get yolk and egg white. But that's not what Jungkook got. LINK LINK LINK: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12196497

Summary:  Jimin shook his head in a clear attempt to deter Jungkook from his goal. “I don’t want to be left alone,” he shyly admitted.“Then I won’t go anywhere.”In which Jimin seeks after Jungkook's affectionate touches when he experiences a bad case of sleep paralysis. LINK: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8436712

ABO~ Summary:  Alpha Jungkook can't help but fall for Omega Jimin. He's quite clumsy with his feelings and doesn't know how he's meant to act around him. How will their relationship progress?(Idol Jungkook and dancer Jimin) LINK: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12075813/chapters/27358743

Grab your tissues~ Summary:  everything starts when jeongguk moves over, and jimin teaches him to ride a bike. everything ends when kim taehyung moves over, and jeongguk abandons his bicycle.+“they say that if you watch the sunset on that hill for 31 consecutive days, your unrequited love will be reciprocated.” LINK: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7951510

Jimin with his Tops again, aka VMINKOOK ABO and it’s unbelievable how well written this is, I would totally marry the author ._.~ Summary:  More than anything, Jimin wanted to be loved. He wanted to be adorned with flowers and jewels like everyone else. He wanted his mates, he wanted to belong. But the moon didn't listen to the wishes of the cursed, and soleborns like him only wore bruises, and nothing else. LINK: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11174976

I’ve been trying really hard not to suggest fics that haven’t been completed or updated in a year but this one is so so so good, I’m sorry, I won’t suffer alone~ Summary:  There’s no way he would ever fall for Jungkook’s antics. Never. It's just a fluke, it’s been a while since his last hookup and his dry spell was starting to catch up to him, that’s all. Besides, it was settled already that Jungkook was really hot. A jerk, but a really fucking hot one. Jimin might hate the guy, but he has eyes and also hormones, so it isn’t right to hate himself for being affected just because the guy is an asshole, right? He hopes so.OrJimin hates Jungkook and thinks he has it all figured out. They dance together for the very first time. Things get really messy. LINK: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11544483/chapters/25922790

Insecure Minnie :(~ Summary:  "Why are you hiding your body like that?" Jungkook asks and the boy's once again wide eyes look up at him, cheeks crimson."I don't like... showing my body.""I think it's cute." LINK: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12033906

You should get your Jikook card revoked if you haven’t read this wonderful fic~ Summary:  A compilation of various Jikook kisses. 6k+ worth, to be specific. (From first kisses to desperate kisses and all those in between.) LINK: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12022350

I recently just read this and oof, amazing~ Summary:  Park Jimin had thought he had finally escaped his past. When his world starts spiraling out of control, he finds himself right back where he started. Will someone be there to pick up the pieces or will he be lost. LINK: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11587500/chapters/26041128

Summary:  "Welcome, first time at Abraxas?"(aka that 1920s au where jeongguk brings his brother yoongi to watch lauded bar singer kim taehyung, and ends up falling head over heels with hidden gem park jimin.) LINK: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10595436

This is another personal fave! Author advises you to read the tags tho, it’s mpreg~ Summary: The doctor didn’t stop putting pressure on his tummy, turning her head to see Jimin’s wide eyes fixed on the screen at his side that showed a little curled up form that was supposed to be his baby. He swallowed harshly, the lump on his throat barely allowing him do much as breath.Jimin was so fucked. LINK: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10871514

“I’m his ex boyfriend who knows that you’re a piece of shit. If you ever speak to him like that again, i’ll fucking kill you.” The guy with chocolate brown hair spoke in a voice so low and threatening.Jimin swallowed the lump in his throat. “We’re done, don’t try and contact me. I can’t stand your insults any longer. Goodbye.” Jimin walked off, feeling his face burn at all the stares he was getting. *** Jimin turned around, not realizing he was crying until the guy’s look softened and tried to wipe his tears away but Jimin pushed his hand away and sniffled. “Listen, thanks for defending me and all, but I don’t know who you are.”The guy looked at him with a small frown. “I’m Jeon Jungkook, now you know me.”orvery loosely based on ‘my current partner is a huge asshole and i need a reason to break up with them so will you pretend to be my possessive and violent ex’ au LINK: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10476954

I’m a sucker for royal AU~ Summary: “Jimin?” Jungkook asked quietly. Jimin’s eyes blinked open sleepily.“Yes your majesty?” Jimin responded in his raspy, tired voice. He looked cute, all puffy and swollen from the sleep.“I just wanted to hear your voice.” LINK: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11733060

Some of these I haven’t read in awhile but this one was giving emotional whiplash~ Summary:  it's always the same cycle each week; monday: a new boyfriend/girlfriend sunday: i don't love you, let's break up -- 'jeon jeongguk' comprises of 12 letters of the alphabet- so does 'heartbreaker'.  LINK: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8691787/chapters/19927162

LMAO I’m literally tearing up posting this next one T.T~ Summary:  The first words a person’s soulmate will say to them appears on their left wrist on the day of their 18th birthday. Unless, of course, their soulmate has passed away.Jungkook was a 21 year old with a blank wrist. LINK: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8734000/chapters/20023219

Summary: For decades the Night Walkers have been terrorising the village near their Dark Forest. No one has ever stepped inside, no one leaves their homes after night falls because that's when they come; that's when they hunt. Jimin was just curious, a strange feeling pulled him inside the forest and he found himself being claimed by none other than the alpha Jeongguk. LINK: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11677623/chapters/26282775

jimin is a witch, jungkook doesn't know how to handle it. LINK: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11660982/chapters/26238924

Another girl!Jimin~ Summary:  Co-Ed group Bangtan Sonyeondan may SEEM perfect, but something is going on with Jimin, and Jeon Jeongguk is destermined to get to the bottom of it.ORJeongguk has good intentions but is not the sharpest knife in the drawer. LINK: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9782348

Summary:  Jimin didn’t remember signing a legally-binding contract for marriage when he was six years old. It was only when Jungkook, his estranged childhood friend, came back to Seoul and pulled out all of the documents initialed by Jimin’s messy crayon signature that he realized he was screwed. LINK: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14735468/chapters/34124117#workskin

Summary:  Soft kisses, soft moans and Jeongguk's soft hands on Jimin's thighs as he lifts his legs to taste Jimin in a way he's been wanting to for a while. Soft blankets, soft music and two boyfriends in Paris. LINK: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16356170

I can’t remember if I posted this already but here~ Summary:  Jimin is hit on by some guys in a divey bar and he's really not feeling their sexual advances. Good thing a stranger saves the day by pretending to be his boyfriend. LINK: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13964520

Dis was cute~ Summary:  Jeon Jeongguk’s hand was held by a little bundle of joy who gave him happiness all through the years. When his son, Jinwoo, started going to school, Jeongguk never expected that his hand will be held by another man who’s giving him happiness and love he never felt all his life. LINK: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13042383/chapters/29832540

Summary:  “Hey! Stop there, you stranger. I can’t go home with you.” Jungkook points a finger at Jimin and shakes his head. "I have a fiance, his name is Jiminnnnn."“Shut up, dummy. It’s me.” LINK: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13040760

Summary:  jeongguk hoped that jimin would still listen to his favorite radio station, because it would be his only way to find him now. LINK: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11450424

Summary:  Jeongguk is a cinematography student who found beauty through the lenses of his camera as he walks down the streets of Tokyo with his favorite subject. LINK: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12819588

Summary:  Jungkook left a few scars on Jimin when he left him after an argument. After months of suffering, Jimin finds a stray cat near his apartment. Very quickly this cat became his best friend.or:Jungkook is a jerk and got turned into a stray cat because plot. Jimin takes care of him without knowing it and accidentally rants to Jungkook about how much of a jerk he was and how much pain he left Jimin in. LINK: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12782694

This is another favorite, oof~ Summary:  by day, jeon jeongguk is your typical cold and career-driven young heir, the epitome of a successful young ceo. by day, park jimin, stands ever faithful, the paragon of an efficient and effervescent secretary.by night, jeongguk has trouble coming to terms with his feelings for his secretary. by night, jimin complies with his ceo's every wish and command, even if it means getting his heart broken.(in which jimin is jeongguk's outlet for pent up stress and jimin has devoted himself to jeongguk since day one. also can be read as: jeongguk doesn't know he loves jimin as well until min yoongi came along) LINK: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6020557

This is my ao3, anyone can go through my bookmarks if they’d like, it collectively grows weekly because I’m trash for Jikook lol LINK: https://archiveofourown.org/users/insideimasadrainbow