#and doesn't cope well at all
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Just a gal trying her very best to hold it together
Got the prompt “Rick going out of town and Harley missing him like crazy” over on AO3 and this was the result! Probably both the second angstiest AND second spiciest thing I’ve ever written. Yeah, this one is a spicy one so if that’s not your thing feel free to skip it.
He broaches the subject one night over dinner on the couch. A few of his army buddies reached out to him about a reunion trip. “But,” he stresses, “I don't have to go.”
Harley slowly sets her slice of pizza down, suddenly feeling like she's gonna vomit. Inwardly, her heart sinks. Outwardly, she forces herself to smile and tells him, “Have fun!”
“You're more than welcome to come,” Rick says.
“Nah, I don't wanna get in the way of your boys trip. Besides, I'm a literal terrorist. Probably a bad mix.”
He hasn't seen his army buddies in years and he deserves to spend some time to himself without her dragging him down with her baggage. Also, a small part of her wants to prove to herself that she can function without him.
He doesn't look convinced so she throws her leg over his lap so she's straddling him and boops his nose. “I'll be fine, I promise.”
His hands sneak under her shirt to caress her back. “Well alright. If you're sure, I'll let 'em know I'm coming.”
She tries not to panic when he tells her he'll be gone for an entire week. A couple days she could maybe handle but she knows a whole week will be a struggle. She's determined to get through it though. She refuses to let herself ruin this for him.
He sighs and asks one more time. “Are you sure you'll be okay?”
Suddenly needing to feel close to him, she reaches for his belt buckle and says, “Yes, now shut up and kiss me, Flag.”
“Yes, ma'am,” he responds, before crashing his lips into hers.
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Harley awakens the next morning to the sensation of Rick's stubble against her cheek as he presses lingering kisses along her neck down to her shoulder.
She leans into the contact and smiles. Eyes still closed, she teases, “Whatcha doin'?” knowing full well where this is going.
He nips at her shoulder softly and slips one hand under her shirt to grasp her breast while the other one slips under the waistband of her panties.
“Giving you something to remember me by,” he answers, before sinking two fingers into her wet heat, thumb circling her clit.
She gasps at the sensations he's eliciting and quickly falls apart as he sucks a bruise into her neck and whispers encouragements in her ear.
Her ears are ringing once she comes back down to earth—flopping down on her back—but he's not done with her yet.
“C'mon, Harls, I think you got a couple more in you,” he rasps in her ear before his kisses start moving downward.
He manages to make her fall apart one more time on his tongue and a third time on his cock.
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She's completely boneless—floating on cloud nine, too exhausted to move by the time he slips out of bed, promising to call as soon as he lands. He kisses her softly and tells her, “I'll be back before you know it. I love you.”
She echoes the sentiment before her eyes drift shut. She curls up on his side of the bed and tells herself she'll just take a quick nap.
She has a panic attack almost as soon as she wakes up once it finally hits her that she's truly alone.
She recognizes it for what it is almost immediately and snatches Flaggy the soldier bear off the nightstand, hugging it to her chest. She wracks her brain as she tries to remember what she's supposed to do for a panic attack amid all the hyperventilating and cold flashes. She has a PhD for fuck's sake! It shouldn't be that hard!
For some reason all her stupid brain is giving her is the memory of that time Rick took her out for ice cream and her cone fell on the... ground! That's it!
She quickly works her way through the grounding exercise, Rick's voice in her ear the whole time walking her through it.
Her phone ringing is what finally snaps her out of it completely. She scrambles to pick it up, already knowing who it is on the other end of the line. She hopes her voice isn't shaking when she says, “Hiya baby!”
Rick chuckles. “Hey, Harls. How you doing without me?”
She lies (the first of many) and says, “Doin' great! I hung out with the Birdies today!”
She scoops his discarded shirt up off the floor and slips it over her head—inhaling deeply as Rick's scent immediately calms her down.
He tells her about his flight and what he has planned for the next week and she tries to sound enthusiastic about it, when all she wants to do is beg him to come home.
She ends up crying herself to sleep once he hangs up.
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Harley tries, she really does, to hold it together. The Birdies force her out of the house as often as they can, and she's pretty sure that's Rick's doing. It doesn't help the crushing loneliness though.
Every night, once she hangs up the phone, she cries herself to sleep and wakes up from nightmares. The bed feels too big without him in it.
By day four she's too exhausted and depressed to even get out of bed. She still forces herself to sound peppy when she answers the phone—but this time he's not buying it.
“Are you okay, Harls? And I mean really.”
She's too exhausted to keep the charade going and immediately breaks down into tears. “No, I'm really, really not okay! I haven't slept more than five hours in the last four days and—” She manages to catch herself before she admits just how frequent her panic attacks have become since he left. So much for not worrying him.
As she breaks down she registers shuffling noises on the other end of the line and then a door slam. “I'm on my way to the airport.”
“Don't you dare!”
He sighs. “Harls, you obviously need me right now.”
“Nuh-uh. You are finishing this trip and having a great time with your friends!”
He starts to protest but she cuts him off. “Promise me you won't come home early just for me.”
He sighs again. “I promise.”
“Great! So what'd ya do today?”
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He's, of course, lying through his teeth when he tells her he won't cut his trip short. He's already booking a ticket home and saying his goodbyes as soon as he hangs up.
He's home by late afternoon—dropping his bags by the front door and hurrying to the bedroom. He finds Harley curled up in a ball on his side of the bed, her soldier bear clutched to her chest.
“I'm home, Harls,” he says softly—toeing off his shoes and getting ready to crawl under the covers with her.
“I already know you're not real so you can just fuck right off,” she snaps.
He slides underneath the covers and spoons up against her back. Her breathing hitches. He presses a kiss to her hair and tells her, “I'm right here, Harls. I'm real, I promise.”
Before he can so much as blink, he's being tackled onto the bed and Harley's sobbing into his neck. He squeezes her as close as he can with her bear trapped between them and rubs her back gently.
Smack!
“Ow!” he says, rubbing his chest where she'd hit him.
“I told ya not to come home early just for me!”
And then she's burying her face in his shoulder and clinging to him tightly. She swings her leg over his hip so she can be right on top of him.
From his vantage point he can see that her hair is a greasy tangled mess and he's sure he would find dark circles under her eyes from lack of sleep if she were to look up at him.
“Harls, when's the last time you showered?”
“Um....”
He tries to sit up but she clings to him tighter. He sighs. “C'mon, Harls. Let's get you in the shower.”
She loosens her grip enough to allow him to sit up and swing his legs over the side of the bed, clinging to him like a koala the whole time. He makes sure he has a good grip on her before standing up.
She tosses her bear on the bed so she can cling to him with both arms wrapped around his neck.
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She knows she's being clingier than normal, but she can't help it. She was barely functioning without him.
He sets her down on her feet and she whines at the loss of contact. He kisses her nose and tells her, “I'm not going anywhere, I promise,” before turning the shower on.
He helps her get her shirt off (one of his t-shirts she'd stolen from his dirty laundry pile) before she rolls up on her toes. Leaning against his chest, she asks, “Gonna join me?”
He chuckles. “Would you expect anything less?”
She smirks and slips her hands under his shirt.
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The hot water feels amazing on her skin and she lets out a sigh as soon as she steps under the spray. Truthfully, she had been feeling pretty sweaty and gross but she'd barely been able to force herself out of bed to pee and brush her teeth—let alone shower.
Rick reaches for her shampoo and squirts a bit into his hand. “Turn around for me,” he instructs.
His hands in her hair feel amazing as he works the shampoo into a lather—making sure to coat every single strand. He coaxes her under the shower spray to rinse it out and then repeats the process with her conditioner. She sighs contently as he scratches her scalp gently.
Afterwards, he just holds her—her back to his chest. “I missed ya,” she admits quietly.
He presses a kiss to her temple and tells her, “I missed you too, Harls.”
She turns around to face him and loops her arms around his neck so she can pull him down for a gentle kiss. Well, it starts as a gentle kiss, but she quickly deepens it—suddenly desperate for him. She needs to feel close to him, needs to feel his hands all over her body.
She doesn't give him any warning before jumping up to hitch her legs around his waist but he catches her easily—immediately pinning her against the shower wall. She moans as his kisses move downward—which turns into a muttered “fuck” as he nips at that one spot that always drives her insane. “I need you,” she pants in his ear.
She doesn't need to tell him twice.
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She clings to him tightly as they come down from their collective high, nuzzling her nose into his shoulder and sighing contently. Fuck, she had missed this. Her mood suddenly drops as it sinks in that she hadn't even lasted five days without him. She feels selfish—his trip was ruined because of her.
The tears spill over without her permission and she bites down hard on her lower lip to try to hide a whimper.
Rick's not fooled though. He pulls back to look at her but she stubbornly buries her face in his shoulder. “Harls, look at me,” he commands gently.
She forces herself to look at him—as always, expecting to find pity there but instead only finding love and concern.
“What's wrong? Talk to me, Harls,” he says, cupping her face with one hand and wiping the tears away with his thumb.
“I couldn't even last a week alone!” she sobs. “Fuck, I could barely last a day! How pathetic is that? And I ruined your trip.”
“Gonna stop you right there. You didn't ruin anything.” She starts to protest but he continues, “I still had a good trip, I promise. And you're not pathetic.”
She doesn't have a response to that.
“Listen, Harls,” he sighs. “You're still just starting to process your trauma—and there's a lot of it, no shame in that. It's okay to still be clingy right now. Honestly, I had a feeling it was a bad idea but—”
“Don't ya dare feel guilty about this!”
“How 'bout we just leave it at we both made mistakes?”
He sets her back on her feet and they finish their shower in comfortable silence—finishing just before the hot water runs out. Rick wraps a towel around his own waist before bundling her up in a towel. He quickly towels her hair off and then asks her to turn around. In the mirror, she sees him reach for her hairbrush.
She sighs at the feeling of the bristles on her scalp as Rick slowly and methodically works out all the tangles. When he's done, he wraps his arms around her and kisses her cheek. “C'mon, Harls, let's get you to bed.”
She's practically asleep by the time he cleans up the bathroom and discards their wet towels and barely registers him scooping her up to carry her to the bedroom. He sets her on the bed and then rummages around in one of his drawers. She's so busy staring at his ass that she misses him tossing a shirt at her—letting out a startled squeak as the bright yellow fabric hits her in the face. She's delighted to realize it's his yellow bunny shirt she loves so much and slips it over her head.
He ushers her under the covers and then slides in behind her. He snakes an arm around her and pulls her close so her head is on his chest and she throws a leg over his hips and gets comfy—drifting off to sleep in no time. When she wakes up, disoriented, four hours later she's relieved to find he hasn't moved.
But then she panics. She'd kicked him right in the shin and he hadn't moved at all. She leans up to stare at him (maybe a little creepily, she will admit)—trying to see his face in the sliver of moonlight that's peeking through the blinds. She's reaching up to smack him when his arms tighten around her and he mumbles, “Stop starin' at me and go the fuck to sleep, Harls.”
She breathes a sigh of relief and settles back down.
Harley knows she's a hot mess.
But with Rick by her side she knows she'll (eventually) get it together.
#dc comics#the suicide squad#the suicide squad fanfiction#rick flag#harley quinn#rick flag x harley quinn#harley quinn x rick flag#rick x harley#harley x rick#quinnflag#rickquinn#harleyflag#established relationship#things got spicy#whoops#rick goes out of town and harley's a hot mess#and doesn't cope well at all#she's working through it okay#harley actually has to utilize flaggy the soldier bear
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you want to analyze a cartoon that is something children can watch? ok here's the first and most important lesson ever.
have you ever heard of "suspension of disbelief?"
ok. next step. do you know what an unreliable narrator is and can you separate the character's perspective and opinions from the writers? because i promise you that the beliefs of the main character do not always reflect the writers and the point of analyzing media is to dissect that.
#like guys sometimes the silly jokes in the cartoon are JUST silly jokes you gotta let them be silly jokes#sometimes the shenanigans are super outlandish because it's a FICTIONAL CARTOON where sentient AIs and magic exist#i promise you. I PROMISE YOU that rottmnt's mind meld was not some elaborate problematic take on eugenics of all things#<- an actual thing i read with my own eyes#like i promise you that is literally not what the episode was doing#'they kept saying they made his brothers smarter which is incredibly ableist because it implies they weren't smart before'#ahem. it was donnie's idea of smarter#you know donnie. the one who constantly puts his intelligence on a pedestal to boost his ego#it was HIS definition of smarter and that is not the narratives definition#i think the series makes that abundantly clear with how much they make fun of donnie for whatever superiority complex he's got going on#and (in the nicest way possible) if you watch the episode it's not actually that they're getting 'smarter' what is actually happening#is that they are beginning to act more and more like donnie personality wise#and that the conflict starts with donnie feeling like they don't fully understand him.#and since donnie is a flawed character his way of coping with that is by being like 'well clearly they're inferior to my intelligence!'#(which .. if you really dissect his character is not actually what he means he just doesn't know how to constructively word his feelings)
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just found out my great aunt and her daughter have been killed in an airstrike in gaza. إنا لله وإنا إليه راجعون. الله يرحمهم ويتقبلهم شهداء
#they were the last remaining members of the family in palestine - everyone else is scattered all over the world#my dad's family is far from close-knit. i barely knew them - never even talked to them on the phone#so it doesn't feel like a personal grief any more than any of the other 33k+ souls lost#nonetheless it feels appropriate to share the news so that they are remembered and prayed for#also praying for my great aunt's other children (living outside gaza) to cope well with the grief of losing their mother and sister
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Wait crying again bc I was rewatching The Intruder today (episode 4 of season 1) and I realized that like. The glyphs represent a few things in the narrative but one thing that's consistent is they're always there when Luz doesn't feel like she's good enough on her own. They appear to her as comfort in moments of self depreciation or self doubt, or she coincidentally learns them in episodes where she faces her fear of rejection or makes a mistake (at least this is true in terms of the first four base glyphs she discovers). It's the titans way of saying "you may have to do things differently, but you can do anything they can do" to Luz bc he cares about her
AND THEN. IN WATCHING AND DREAMING. WHEN THE TITAN PASSES ON AND THE GLYPHS DON'T WORK ANYMORE. IT'S BECAUSE NOW LUZ FINALLY FEELS LIKE SHE'S GOOD ENOUGH, ALL ON HER OWN. SHE'S LEARNED THAT SHE HAS INTRINSIC WORTH AS A PERSON AND SHE DOESN'T NEED TO MAKE UP FOR WHO SHE IS. SHE MIGHT DO THINGS DIFFERENTLY BUT SHE CAN DO EVERYTHING ANOTHER WITCH CAN DO- THIS TIME WITH HER OWN, MORE PERSONAL ACCESSIBILITY TOOL (HER PALISMEN) INSTEAD OF THE ONE THE TITAN GAVE HER. MAN!!!!!
#ramblings of a lunatic#the owl house#toh#toh meta#luz noceda#the glyphs are there for everyone who doesn't feel good enough#eda and lilith after losing their magic...the kids overcome with exhaustion and fear in watching and dreaming#hell you could even argue that philip uses them to cope with the unspeakable horror that these non-person witches-#-could be better than him at something! gasp! the audacity!#he uses them to harm and co-opts the titans language to make sure that no witch could have a chance of thinking they're better than him#(bc again. philip is not afraid of witches. he hates this. his background is not a literal investigation into Christian superstition-#-it is a non-literal parallel to modern day conservatives.)#(they're afraid of what they don't understand but much more than that they hate it-#-that's why you can't change their opinions solely w/ rhetoric and argument)#ANYWAY. I've heard some ppl stressing over the amount of ppl being vocally negative in the maintag recently#and i see it too. think it's just a thing that happens when shows end? ppl pop out of the woodwork to be like#''well i never liked it in the first place!''#like. okay. good for you ig#anyway i hope this sparks some joy in the maintag instead#that's all I'm here to do#i stopped watching the episode to type this post i should go finish it
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young, impressionable recruit
#every time i draw younger Ari i have to make sure he doesn't look happy at All#internally he was always miserable#forced to not only be in his father's shadow but also constantly be reminded that one day he will be in that position#that he was only born to be the perfect heir and the perfect son#that kind of pressure really messes with one's head huh#there may have been at some point some form of enjoyment out of his place - he was mean and he liked being mean#but mainly as an outlet#he got in trouble constantly for beating up other students#he didn't have any healthy coping mechanisms until. well. points at him in skyrim#anyway. that's the ari for today. i am trying to keep up with art and projects but he's my warm ups that i wind up posting bc i love him#ariquar#my art#skyrim#tes oc
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old edits _(:3」∠)_ but i like imagining hakuno in different hairstyles HNGGHH 😩😩❤️💗💓💞 would she ever style her hair tho? sadly no </3 she thinks she's too plain for that + doesn't care about her appearance outside of just enough to look neat and presentable (we do see her hair in low twintails if she needs em tied up tho! tis a very cute look 🫶)
bUT LIKE- if someone wants to play with her hair or style her up then 👀 hakuno vc i don't mind. (<- girl who tends to go along with what others' want because she has no desires of her own tbh-) (METHINKS IT HAS DA POTENTIAL TO BE SO WHOLESOME THOOO and her hair's long and silky yknow ✨️ it'd b nice 2 touch ! 😌✨️) or alternatively- let hakuno do your muse's hair! ✨️ (she brushed nero's hair in last encore and it was such a soft moment it must've been so nice 🥺❤️)
#&&. out of#don't mind me i'm thinking soff thoughts 2 cope after my dreaded exam 2day....... p.epe inhaling copium.png#on the positive side tho- 😤 at least that's over and done with GDKGJWKF#i have one more exam 2 goo but i'm not tew worried abt that one so i am 😼 here for a lil bit !!! (menacing) (affectionate)#I HOPE U'VE ALL BEEN WELL WHEE 🫶💖💓#/also i have more of h.akuno hairstyle edits im not normal abt her 🥴#BUT HI YES i like for those soft normal domestic kinda moments -CLENCHES FIST-#i hc h.akuno being like a living doll frfr tho; so like- her hair (and just herself in general tbh) doesn't rlly need maintenance#BUT HEY NOW DONT LET THAT STOP U(R MUSE) (ФωФ)✨️✨️ !!!! CURSED EMOJI GRAB.GIF
%20(%D0%A4%CF%89%D0%A4)%E2%9C%A8%EF%B8%8F%E2%9C%A8%EF%B8%8F%20!!!!%20CURSED%20EMOJI%20GRAB.GIF){kind=link}
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settling in at the new Storm residence in Strangerville 👽🌺🌴🏜️
°°°°°°°°°°
[yapping in the tags] ⬇️
#lil green lucien still exists!#he's just not coping well with the loss of fidget#literally all he does is cry in bed and mope around the house#the moodlet should go away soon though and then you get lucien content#also morgan doesn't dress like that she's edgy i swear#the house isn't completely decorated but the vibes are coming along. will share more soon#and it's smaller than I thought I was going to make it- not a bad thing tho!#ts4 gameplay#ts4 legacy#ts4#sims4#sims 4 gameplay#ts4 screenshots#sims 4 legacy#storm legacy#stormgen1#amburgundy
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The amount of doomerism I've heard from fellow usamericn zoomers/millennials around me is starting to drive me fucking insane.
"We're all gonna die, it's hopeless, it's not worth doing anything. This is our penance as human beings/[insert other guilty identity]"
You know who you guys fucking sound like? Fucking Evangelicals.
Yeah it's fucking scary and big, I'm not trying to say it isn't. But what the fuck is your plan??? Sitting down and dying?? Are you really telling me that this world is not worth you even fucking trying?? That you're just gonna party it out until your miscellaneous end game apocalypse arrives?
This isn't the rapture. The apocalypse is a false concept. People have been living through "apocalypses" every day of their fucking lives for all of human history, especially during the past 400 years. Get up and stop the suicidal idealization of your own tragic death. Our lives in the first world are built off suffering. To lay down and say we don't have any power is to reject the duty we have as beneficiaries of that suffering.
If you are so convinced you're going to die young then die trying instead of baring your fucking throat.
#going to r/collapse pisses me off because some people are genuinely trying to do community gardens and become more self sustainable#and others are like “the third world is done for at least im safe for the time being in the first world :((((”#the “third world” isn't your fucking sacrificial lamb for climate guilt. acting like it's over for billions of people when people are tryin#to survive and innovate and prepare and help themselves is fucking selfish#and moving away from the usa may help you but everyone else is still fucking there and the us will still suck resources from everyone else#the same people who don't vote in anything and then go “oh well it was a given” when shit people get in office like babes you could've done#something about that#climate change#sorry im just pissed today. my housemate keeps saying stupid doomer shit like “hope i die before it gets too bad haha”#like we are both puerto rican don't you think our homeland is worth saving???#to be clear it doesn't have to be extreme action! its something im fighting through too#learning how to be more self sufficient outside of capitalism also conveniently means a more sustainable lifestyle!#and im not perfect at all i want to do more#but im so sick of people just accepting this shit and saying it like its a fucking joke#i get it is a coping mechanism and trust me i get sad too but like jesus christ people are eat the rich until its time to actually#think of a plan or what a survivable future might actually fucking look like and how we help each other get as close to possible.#whatv compromises we have to make until one day it's not a compromise but a goal#and yeah it might not work but i don't want to obliterate any chance of it either#what's the quote from the sophie video? “people can visualize the end of the world more then the end of capitalism”#doomerism#climate justice#gen z#generation z#millennials#climate
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kon is sitting next to tim looking at him adoringly while he talks about why nissans are better than mitsubishis and he looks across the cave to see greta glaring at him from the shadows until he moves three inches away
maybe if you got on kon's level and actively listened to tim infodumping about cars he'd also do it at you, greta :/
#this is probably just me being a killjoy but i did hate greta's insane jealousy over tim#like i get it as a character trait but i so badly wanted to reach in and tell her to take a fucking chill pill#like girl maybe give a shit about your other friends some too and stop acting like you own robin 😩😩😩#it makes sense as her having Problems Issues that she does not cope well with but man did it not endear her to me#mostly bc the writing played it off as like Oh Haha Girl Jealous Girl Doesn't Care About Anything But Boy#and i mean theyre all stupid teens but the narrative handling of it was still kinda grating to me ig#anyway tim infodumping about cars to kon is the cutest shit ever i melt about it every time#''i talk a lot huh?'' ''i don't mind i like hearing your thoughts!'' couple but its both of them both ways#answers
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I need to really focus on figuring out what's wrong with me and unfucking myself instead of burying myself in humanitarian crises and novels. Whenever I'm really struggling to get through the most basic tasks, I keep thinking it's because I'm not pushing myself harder, rather than the fact that something is clearly critically wrong. Even after all this time, disabling myself more and more trying to push myself past breaking point, my knee-jerk response is to feel like I'm failing everyone around me, instead of having the self-compassion to realize I really, really need help. And I know that it's because there never seemed to be any point begging for help, knowing I'd be ignored at best and punished for it at worst. Maybe I avoid thinking about it because it breaks my own heart when I do. I can't figure out if that's self-compassion or self-pity.
#knee of huss#i have this bone deep conviction that i'm not a good person#i mean if i was being graded on the average human curve i would definitely be ranked above it#for the simple reason that i have a heart and a sense of justice#but the fact that half of humanity fails to clear the bar that's on the floor doesn't mean the bar is any less on the floor#doesn't seem enough to just be able to step over it#also well aware that this is self-obsession and counterproductive to actually being of use to anyone#but i have OCD so. aint my fault really#idk. all this is just a distraction and self-flagellation about the fact that Im too disabled to cope w life#and that terrifies me#better to just try to break myself into pieces trying to prove that i can cope but i just wont#parentification#actually cptd#abuse survivor#maladaptive coping
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hii it's been awhile since i've given any updates about what's going on with me but!!! i think we're moving back to oregon at some point. and i'm gonna make grad school happen. i'm so yhappy
#i'm going to oregon sometime this quarter but it's gonna break my heart because i have to leave again#idk the col is so much higher there than here. you can buy a whole three bedroom house for $200k here#a 3 bed in oregon is at least twice that#and rent is insane. $1100 for a beautiful 3 bed here. or twice that for something less nice in oregon#well. not HERE here jesus the suburbs are expensive. but in central pa where we're thinking of moving#which is like.... the best place to retire in the country? what's with that. low col probably LOL#and lately i've been feeling so..... lost? the ego death i went through in 2023 was incredible#and like. do i NEED to go to grad school to get a well-paying job in my field? no i have almost 7 yoe#but i'm missing feeling good at something. and the networking. and the portfolio work i can do. so it wouldn't be about employablility#though that helps. idk i'm gonna try to get my undergrad loans paid off as much as i can (only 30k left on the ones in my name 🫠) this year#while working on freelance projects and all that. it just feels good having a direction that doesn't feel completely hopeless#because it's been so bleak lately. like. got laid off from an agency i poured my soul into (not doing that again unless it's my own)#experienced something deeply personal and destabilizing i don't feel comfortable sharing#moved across the country while i didn't have a job and was processing that trauma to a place where i know no one#i got so lonely and so alone that i thought i would die. i didn't really have anyone to turn to while i did the work of reliving#started drinking a lot to cope bc i didn't have a medical card. was truly miserable. got a medical card. wasn't miserable anymore#and now i'm working and less anxious and feeling supported and stable in my relationship. and i feel myself coming back to myself.#it's been so hard but i'm so glad to be seeing the end of it. and to see good things and happy things in that
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is gale actually the worst guy alive or do people just have personal issues that give them a complex whenever someone else is a master of their craft and confident about it 🤔 hmmmmmmm
#im sorry but i literally never found him to be abrasive bc yes an archmage and chosen of mystra and wizard and the designated Lore Dumper#is going to be more knowledgeable than you and that's fine LMAO#and him knowing abt the tadpoles isn't him being an arrogant know it all it's just him letting the character know what's at stake#and also the others given that some of them don't know that or feel pressured to act (see: astarion and wyll)#and re the sorc vs wizard stuff.. again... someone that has to go to school and study the art Is going to#be more learned and well read than someone that doesn't#someone that was an archmage and lover to magic itself and a child prodigy etc etc IS going to#know more like . cope#i just never found him to be horrible or as annoying as people say bc i don't take offense to confidence or prowess or info dumpers?#early access is a different beast. but official release gale? the guy who shares crazy life stories every time? and is trying#to bond with your character every chance he gets? and who doesn't admonish your character if you fail to channel#the weave and instead is a good enthusiastic teacher to your character? who has a reasonable reaction to your character#not taking him seriously and is super appreciative when they do? like. L + skill issue + get over yourself + it's really not tht serious#+ i'm telling tara + i'm also telling morena + smiting you smiting you smiting you smiting you smiting you smi#this dude was mentored by magic itself. he was taught by magic itself. he made love and was ''loved'' by magic itself. he was its chosen.#he was in contact with legendary wizards by the age of eight. he cast a spell using blackstaff. he was conjuring things#as early as a toddler. if his early access prowess is still canon then this dude was able to lift entire buildings#and battle beholders super easily and after the game he rebuilds half the city using his magic.#and so on and so forth like i'm sorry to say but gale really is that bitch and he's not an awful person for Knowing that and trying to#make that known so that he can have a purpose in the group like. hello. for the love of god hello whats not clicking 😭#and i'm not saying he's a humble precious bean i'm just saying that final release gale can be pompous and puffs himself up#but it's not like there's no merit to what he's saying LMAO#🤦♀️ anyway.
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The longer I'm around the more convinced I become that Jill and Michael also had some kinda codependent-besties archetype thing going on?? they may or may not even have been aware of it, but like. they're kind of a matched set, you know? Frequently purchased together, do not separate them
#this is based more on vibe then evidence but like. boy oh boy is there evidence#you could look at how the Lovers archetype affected Raven and Lloyd when they got split up and then compare that to Michael spiraling#idk. obviously there are a lot of factors at play here but like. sort of chronologically-#they were trapped in the tower together and had to stay sane for each other. making up games together. trying not to crack.#she was his first friend. you know?#they show up to the dinner party together. they bring wine and scotch! (she taught him to drink)#(they used to laugh and drink and party together until suddenly they couldn't anymore)#jill takes the chance to admit to lloyd that she worries about michael. to which!!!! lloyd says!! at least he has you#jill and michael's well being has ALWAYS been interwoven#or like. or like. in act 6 in the final battle jill follows her own melody line bc she's ticked and this is personal#compared with michael who doesn't have a personal stake in this other than the playhouse crew being involved!#michael doesn't have his own melody. he sings to the love and a dream playhouse tune bc that's his motivation for fighting#UNTIL jill is in danger!! when Michael jumps in to save her he finally gets his own musical flavor in the song! then it's banjo boy time#idk. there was a lot of loss and multiple different traumas Michael went through after that. but suddenly he's alone again#at least he's not stuck in a swamp or a tower for years but. he's all the way back to square one. he's alone. he doesn't cope well with that#and while he misses all of them he really misses jill. at the worst of it he doesn't even want to reunite with lloyd and david#but like. he's in a real bad way. he's hit rock bottom and he carries so much guilt over not being able to help jill#to the point where even hearing that there's hope is crushing to him bc it means that there Was something he could've done#and he did nothing#he's devastated all over again not just bc he lost her. but bc he abandoned her. he failed her.#we don't have nearly as much about how jill is doing but we do have her song titled Michael about their early relationship#and the way they rely on each other#go listen to that and tell me the narrative wouldn't just eat that up and link their destinies and mental stability#they spent years in level five. you can't tell me they got away with all this unscathed#i definitely think losing son mi was a big part of why michael spiraled but this essay is about jill and michael specifically#hdhjdfhrjrdgtsg how long can post go (challenge mode)#pebble speaks#shaperaverse
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one of my new coworkers so delicately straddles the line between "pretentious" and "deeply interesting/cool" and I'm very curious if he will STAY on that line and not fall off into one end or the other
#I think ''pretentious'' is unfair to him honestly because like...#he will freely pass judgement on things but he hasn't done it to people (in my presence)#and he also enjoys simple things at times too so it doesn't feel in any way performative#but parts of him DO feel curated#he was standing outside at our post-work gathering in his dark sunglasses and his well-fitting black coat and I was like: oh he ✨styled✨thi#and I think a curatorial spirit that is very strong in its identity and that has found its niche can initially come off as ''pretentious''#simpy because it... asserts itself so strongly?#but he's kind and works *very* hard (too hard) and he clearly has passions and this work is within his passions so...#it all makes sense. anyways he's technically a manager (not mine) so idk how deep I can make a friend out of him#but I'm curious if I can manage it. I'm (honestly) not convinced I'm cool enough lol#he goes to ART SALONS where a bunch of local art professionals and DOCTORS watch old films???#idk stuff that would make you go ''okay tryhard'' but he like. genuinely enjoys it idk that's his personality#he was coping with this very stressful week by trying to do a rubik's cube today lol poor guy
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you know what i can't stop noticing? all the references to cities and place and how places made them feel in 5sos songs. like i'm just trying to study. study cities and how to design them. but the minute my brain was like 'hehe 5sos5 city' now every 3 seconds i'm like 'hey that reminds me of that! that reminds me of this other thing!' like i love these ideas but. tell me was it a mistake to pick a university that is in sydney and uses the city to do case studies? or is this just a temporary thing since shakes just came out and i'll be back to normal in a fortnight?
#prob doesn't help that my professor basically has the same full name as michael minus four letters#i love what i'm doing!! i'm also Not Coping#also. sydney accents. everywhere. 'oh who does that sound like' you know. i know. it all reminds me again and again#like. i grew up in this city. my friends and i all talk like this. it's not that special?? but maybe i'm just longing for home as well#5sos5 city#think it is just since shakes came out actually
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my school and part-time job didn't even start yet and i'm already extremely, horribly, undescribably tired from all the upcoming stress.... ughhhhh
#i mean yeah most people go to normal work already which is even worse but ughhhhhhhhhhhhHHHHHHHHH#like i already feel like i'm not gonna cope well#and genuinely the fact that life is going to be even worse after school with the everyday grind is making me even more anxious and depresse#i don't want to take the word depression on lightweight but there's simply no other way of calling it#i guess it wouldn't be too out of place to say that i have some tendencies for depressing feelings and thoughts#along with anxiety#don't worry i am able to function normally it's just extremely draining mentally and sometimes i just want to leave this earth#not die but leave#also by sometimes i mean 24/7#you get me right#and also i have a particularly weak moment right now#i mean yesterday was much worse but it just doesn't go away that fast yknow and i woke up feeling terrible#but it's okay#delete later#i guess tw for#negativity#vent#also i'm gonna die alone because i can't get over one person and i feel like that is going to kill me on itself one day#and that's just 2 things out of the 1000 i worry about all the time#hello bye#i'm already regretting this post but i have to get it out maybe i should just write it into a journal but this feels different
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