#like i get it as a character trait but i so badly wanted to reach in and tell her to take a fucking chill pill

[mamawasatesttube]

kon is sitting next to tim looking at him adoringly while he talks about why nissans are better than mitsubishis and he looks across the cave to see greta glaring at him from the shadows until he moves three inches away

maybe if you got on kon's level and actively listened to tim infodumping about cars he'd also do it at you, greta :/

[asidian]

One thing I haven't seen talked about is Crystal's character arc, and specifically the way the timing of it interacts with Charles' arc. They stumble over each other in the worst possible way en route to their respective character growth, and from a narrative perspective, it's absolutely genius.

I'm going to preface all this by saying: none of this is a criticism of Crystal. Part of what makes her such a dynamic, refreshing character is that you don't get to see women in fiction written the way she's been written. You don't get to see women with her flaws that aren't throw-away mean girls or villains. You especially don't get to see women with her traits who learn and grow and become better people. So yeah, I'm going to talk about Crystal's character flaws. No, this isn't Crystal hate. We love our girl in this house. Okay? Okay. Let's start.

Crystal's character arc, at its heart, is all about her learning to be a better person because she has good influences that love and support her for the first time.

When the show starts, Crystal is not a nice person. She's abrasive in a way that's specifically designed to push people away. She's used to getting her own way, and it shows. She's used to having no meaningful connections with anyone, and it shows. She's breathtakingly selfish, in the very literal sense of the definition. She is focused on her self. Her problems are front and center to her; everything is about what she needs, and what she wants, and how she's struggling.

Jenny calls her out very early on. In episode one, Crystal is complaining about the boys, and Jenny, for all her cynicism, strikes right at the heart of the problem. She tells Crystal, "Everybody is always thinking about themselves, all the time." People only care about their own problems. And she says, correctly, that that's what Crystal is doing, too.

This moment is a revelation for Crystal. For the first time, she considers what her behavior looks like from another person's perspective. As she says, she gets mad at herself over it, and that awareness allows her to do something selfless for the first time in the series. She takes a step back and insists that instead of focusing on her problems, they go to help a little girl. It's a big moment for her.

But importantly, she's not done growing as a character here. She's only just getting started.

On my first watch through, I didn't realize how often, over the next few episodes, Crystal redirects things to her problems during conversation, but it's quite a lot. She's still focused on herself – selfish, in that most literal definition of the word. The issues most important to her are her issues. She's starting to learn to think about other people, but she's not there yet. The process is still underway.

Which brings us to Charles.

Charles' arc is a different sort of self-reflection. He's terrified that he's a bad person the way his father was and the way the boys that killed him were.

During the course of the show, he gets systematically stripped of his confidence and made to feel helpless, and just like Crystal needs outside influences to help her reach a more stable place, Charles does, too. He desperately needs reassurance that he isn't everything he's afraid he is.

But my goodness, the timing in their arcs is such a trainwreck when you put them together, and it is brilliant.

Let's start with the Devlin House.

Crystal has some amazing character growth here. She displays genuine concern about Charles, makes an attempt at comforting him, and learns to work with Edwin even though she still doesn't particularly like him at this point.

Charles, meanwhile, is beginning to fall apart. He's just had the worst night of his afterlife. He's been viscerally reminded of how helpless he is. He couldn't stop the Devlins from being killed over and over, just like he couldn't stop his own father's abuse. He messed up his attempted rescue so badly that he was completely out of commission until the case was finished. He managed to help not one single thing. He made no impact at all. He couldn't help those girls any more than he was able to help himself, while he was still alive.

So they get back to the butcher shop, and what do we see? Monty immediately coopts Edwin. Niko doesn't know what's happened because she wasn't there and Charles has been all fake smiles with her. And Crystal goes off with Niko, leaving Charles to flounder on his own in the wake of everything. She's still learning how to support other people. She isn't there yet, and it's extremely on display in this moment.

Then we get the lighthouse episode, and they both get put through the wringer here. Crystal gets her hopes and expectations jerked around by the Night Nurse in the very worst way, and Charles gets hit with a whole pile full of trauma. All that helplessness wells to the forefront again. Combined with being forced to relive some of his worst memories and the desperation to keep Edwin safe from hell, Charles lets himself act on his anger for once.

And what does he get in the aftermath? Horror.

Everyone who cares about him is horrified by what he's done. Edwin goes so far as to call it extreme. They don't know the half of it, of course; they haven't seen what the Night Nurse just put him through. But in this moment Charles is at his absolute lowest, and all he sees is confirmation that he's exactly as terrible as he thinks he is.

That's why Charles shrugs off Edwin's attempt at comfort, here. When he needed to be able to do something to protect Edwin and also himself – when he needed to believe that he could be better than what his father always was – all he sees is the confirmation from the people he cares about most that when push came to shove, he really is a bad guy.

Then comes the aftermath. And this moment is such a brilliant, awful clash of both of their character arcs. It is so delightfully messy.

Because Charles starts to open up to Crystal here. He starts to lay himself bare, the way he ends up doing with Edwin in episode 5. He's on the verge of admitting something that he's been worried about for literal decades. He tells her, "I've been angry for such a long time."

And what does Crystal do? She's still in the midst of her own character growth. She's still struggling to support other people. She's still learning how to. In a lot of ways, though she's made progress already, she's still that selfish girl that Jenny called out in the very first episode.

And she shows it here it with the absolute worst possible timing. No sooner has Charles started to talk about what's bothering him than she cuts in with her own problems. She's tired of riddles and spirits and demons and not knowing who she is. And the look on Charles' face. The moment when he visibly sets aside his own problems, because Crystal doesn't need any more disasters on her plate? It's heartbreaking. You can actually track the subtle change in his expression there. The actor does a phenomenal job.

And then comes the kiss. And what spurs it? Crystal saying she needs something real.

This moment isn't about light-hearted attraction, the way the earlier flirting is. It's Charles setting aside what he needs – comfort and reassurance and a moment to talk through the things that have been tearing him apart – to give her what she says she wants. He can't even feel it. And Crystal isn't far enough along in her character growth here to realize how selfish she's being. Like Jenny said way back in episode one, she's only thinking about herself.

And then comes the absolute unmitigated disaster of episode 5.

Straight out the gate, Charles leans in for a kiss. From his perspective, they have something together; there's affection there. Charles "I think I'd miss kissing" Rowland, who has been starved for meaningful physical contact for thirty years, is not in a hurry to give this up.

But Crystal is fresh out of a nightmare where she conflates Charles with her abusive ex. She withdraws; she calls what they had a distraction. She cuts it off almost as soon as it's started, so focused on her own worries here that she misses how damn fake Charles' smile is, to cover up that he's coming to pieces.

To be clear, she's absolutely not in the wrong here. It is 1000% her prerogative not to jump into a relationship again while she's still struggling to work through what happened with David. But the arc of her narrative is still early enough that she does it all without so much as the awareness that her focus on her own issues has hurt Charles terribly.

And then the episode really kicks off, and both of them are in shambles in very different ways.

Crystal is projecting her issues with David onto Charles. She has a lot of history, and David seems as though he's exactly the right sort of toxic to leave lasting a lasting impact. But Charles hasn't done anything to deserve her assumptions, and he takes the brunt of her temper here and throughout the episode.

Charles is desperately projecting onto the dead jocks. He very badly wants them to be good guys, because he sees himself in them and he needs himself to be a good guy. He snipes back at Crystal for the very first time in this episode, and he does it in the worst way possible, accidentally prodding her where it will do the most damage.

They're both hurting. They both say some truly painful things to one another.

She does not need to hear that she has unsorted hangups about David still plaguing her while she's unable to move past them. He desperately does not need anyone to tell him that he has rage issues while he's still struggling to think of himself as a decent person.

They apologize, in the end. They start to move past it.

But it's telling that Charles doesn't try to open up to Crystal again. He goes to Edwin instead, even though Edwin is the one who called his actions regarding the Night Nurse extreme. He gets the reassurance he needs so badly; he gets the connection he was looking for with Crystal from Edwin, instead. (I have a lot of thoughts on why Charles initially tries to open up to Crystal so quickly, but it is very much an aside, and this is already extremely long, so it will have to wait for another write-up.)

But the important thing here is, Edwin is the one to offer Charles what he needs to overcome the self-doubt eating him alive. Edwin provides the physical affection Charles was seeking in the form of that long-overdue hug. Edwin is the one who's able to reaffirm for him that he's not just a good guy, he's the best person Edwin knows.

And for all intents and purposes, Charles' major character arc ends here.

Charles has a few last little moments to go on the path to rebuilding his own self-image, after this, but for the most part his concerns have been resolved. He saves Crystal in episode 6 and Edwin in episode 7, proving to himself that he's able to make a difference in the face of overwhelming odds. He's not helpless, no matter what the Night Nurse told him; he can be a force for good in the world. By the end of the series, his crisis of self-doubt seems to have been largely overcome.

But it's the conversation with Edwin at the end of episode 5 that really allows him to work through his most pressing issues. Edwin is there to help support him when he stumbles. Edwin provides him the comfort he was looking for while Crystal was too worried about her own problems to notice how badly he needed the help.

Crystal, meanwhile, still has a ways to go after episode 5. The last three episodes are where she does her most important character growth.

In episode 6, she learns some hard lessons about keeping secrets and letting people help and appreciate you even when you can't offer them anything in return. And Charles, importantly, is there for her every step of the way. He consistently offers her physical and emotional support. He models for her, in a very real way, what it looks like to have someone prop you up when you need the help.

And in turn, Crystal steps in to save the boys. She's the big damn hero at the end of this episode.

The breakthrough continues into episode 7. She's so intent on helping to get Edwin out of hell that she literally goes to face her own demons, not for herself for once – not for her own purposes or needs or wants – but because she wants to help someone else.

And episode 8, at long last, brings her to the culmination of her character arc.

Crystal is at her absolute lowest here. Her family, the people who were supposed to love her unconditionally, didn't even realize she was gone. Her precious memories, that she's spent the entire series trying to regain, have showed her that she's not the person she hoped she would be. She's overwhelmed enough that she means to flee, to cut herself off from her new friends entirely.

Then the boys get kidnapped. And just like that, she makes up her mind.

For the first time since the start of the series, she sets aside her most important issues in order to let what other people need take precedence. She disregards all of her own personal concerns and focuses instead on others. She's finally stepped out of those selfish impulses that Jenny calls her out on, all the way back in the first episode. She's finally learned how to support other people when they need it.

Crystal has finally figured out how to be there for others, despite having troubles of her own.

It's a lovely arc, and it's beautifully done.

Charles' is just as touching.

And god damn, but it was a brilliant narrative choice to have their character arcs line up in exactly the wrong way.

[tightjeansjavi]

trinkets

A/N: so I woke up this morning thinking about Dieter & gumdrop—better known as trash panda and trash possum 🥺 I just love how silly they are together and I hope y’all do too!

~word count: 1.9k~ yeah—idk what happened lol

Summary: Dieter almost burns his script in front of the director, you’re at home writing Din Djarin fanfiction on your tumblr account, Oh! And something about Dieter cloning his cock in silicone?

Pairing | dieter bravo x f!reader

Warnings: none, fluff, implied smut (phone sex bby), language, dirty talk, dieter and the reader being a menace together, one mention of drugs, readers nickname is gumdrop/trash possum, reader has no physical descriptions, +18 minors dni!

series masterlist

When Dieter is away for a new filming project, you end up house sitting for him because there is no one that he trusts more, (outside of his agent) than you, his gumdrop. Plus, he’s secretly hoping that if you spend more time in his home, that you’ll be open to moving in with him. It’s his genius plan that he of course came up with when he was stoned out of his mind.

He didn’t realize that he could just ask you to move in with him. That was far too simple!

So, for the month that Dieter was away filming, you were lounging in his home like a house cat. He called you multiple times a day to check in on you, and because he missed your voice terribly.

“What have you been up to today, gumdrop?” He was hunched over the side of his hotel bed at an awkward angle. It was a terrible day on set. He was used to the director making last minute changes to the scene, tweaking irrelevant details and minor character traits that no one would pay attention to. Dieter, however, was not prepared for his character's redemption arc to be completely fried to bits.

He compared it to what happens to an egg when you crack it on a pan that is too hot, and the whole thing ends up burnt and crusted onto the pan.

He was furious, and instead of just sticking it through, he stormed off set after he threatened to quit the film entirely.

“Hey, Dee!” You chirped enthusiastically through the receiver. “I’m out by the pool, with a fresh glass of homemade iced tea, and I’m finally getting to write the bit where my slow burn lovers are finally going to kiss!”

He felt his lips curving upwards into a lopsided smile at your enthusiasm as he pictured you in your sunglasses, typing away on your laptop, eyes dancing, little giggles slipping past your lips because he knew just how badly you wanted to write this next part.

“I miss you so fucking much, my little trash possum.” He sighed, scraping his hand down his face before he fell back against the comforter. “This is about that tin helmet dude, right? With the little green guy?”

“Oh, Diets, I miss you too, trash panda.” You paused your typing, reaching for your glass of iced tea and took a sip. “Yes, baby. Din Djarin and Grogu. Speaking of, when you come home next month, do you wanna go to Disneyland?”

“Are Din and the reader finally gonna kiss? Shit, is he gonna take his helmet off and break the creed? Please tell me he takes the helmet off!” He felt like one of your fellow dedicated readers on tumblr, anticipating when you would post the next chapter to one of your many prolific series. “Baby, I would absolutely love to go to Disneyland with you when I get home.”

You giggled softly, shaking your head and set your glass back down on the nearby table. “Dee, I can’t spoil it! You know this, baby. You’re just gonna have to wait for the update like everyone else.” You typed in a few more words to add to the current sentence you were working on before saying, “how’s filming going? Shouldn’t you be on set right now, baby?”

“Well, if I were the tin helmet man, I would absolutely take my helmet off and break my creed for you, Meshla. And then after that I would—” he grumbled and rolled over onto his stomach, “I left set because this fucking director is completely trashing the redemption arc that my character is supposed to have! I had all these cool ideas that pretty much have now just been flushed down the toilet, and I may, or may not have threatened to quit.”

“How romantic, Dee. You’d break your creed for me?” Your lips curved downwards into a set frown when he explained to you what happened on set. “Oh, Dieter, I’m so sorry. Why the hell would the director do that? It sounded like before that it was going really well, too.”

“I’d break every creed for you, gumdrop. But yeah, the guy is on fucking crack, I swear. It’s making my job so much more fucking difficult. Y’know, I thought that after winning my first Oscar that people in this bloodsucking industry would actually take me seriously. Guess not, huh? Guess I’m still just a fuckin’ joke in Hollywood’s eyes.” He scoffed, pinching the bridge of his nose with his ringed thumb and forefinger to suppress his oncoming tears.

“Baby, you are not a joke in Hollywood’s eyes, okay? If you and the director aren’t seeing eye to eye, I think you should give it one last shot to try and meet a middle ground? If he doesn’t budge, then I fully support you in quitting this job. You’re so passionate about your work, Dee. No reason to be pulling teeth just for a paycheck.” You reassured him, setting your laptop off to the side now so you could give your boyfriend your undivided full attention.

“And this is why I fucking love you, gumdrop. You always know how to validate me and talk me down. What the fuck would I do without you?” He stifled a chuckle. “So, I think I’m gonna give myself another hour to be pissed and grouchy about this, and then I’m gonna march my ass back to set, and give this dude a piece of my fucking—”

“Dieter.” You softly warned him.

“Baby, I’m kidding. But I am gonna try and see if he and I can reach a middle ground. And if we can’t, well, guess I’m coming home early, trash possum.”

“As much as I would love to see you sooner, I want this role to work out for you, Dee.”

“Me too, gumdrop.” He scratched at his beard with a sigh, and just when he was about to say more, there was a knock at his door and the familiar chime of his agent's voice. “I’ll call you later, okay? Cause I wanna hear all about the tin man kissing the reader, finally.”

“Okay, baby. Just remember, you’re my Dieter Bravo, and I’m so proud of you.”

“Love you to the moon and back, trash possum. Catcha on the flipside.” He ended the call, tossing his phone to the side and droned out, “You may enter.”

-

Later in the evening, and you were finalizing the final draft of the chapter, Dieter texted you and told you that the conversation with the director went well, and things were back on track.

Dee! This is great news, baby! I’m so happy for you 💗

Me too! He actually agreed that destroying my character's redemption arc was piss-poor writing, and he’s gonna have a new script ready for me in the morning. Did Din finally kiss the reader?

See what happens when you just communicate? So proud of you, baby. And maaaaybe. I just finished finalizing the chapter and now I just have to post it! 🤭

See, now if I never met you, I probably would have torn the guy a new one and then set the script on fire right in front of him. Y’know, like that scene in the Social Network, where Andrew Garfield’s gf sets the scarf on fire in his trash can? CLASSIC! Anyway, I’m gripping the edge of my seat! I can’t wait to read, gumdrop.

Ohhh! Yeah, that scene is a classic! I’m glad that you didn’t set your script on fire, Dee. I should have the chapter posted within the hour. Oh! And before I forget, when you come home next month…I have a surprise for you x.

Shiiii is it you naked in my bed and touching yourself? Is that the surprise? 🥵

Well that’s part of it! Butttt you’ll just have to wait and see! 😉

Oh, sure, tease me, why don’t ya? Got my cock stupid hard already, you little filthy thing.

Pics or it didn’t happen!

Tell me if Din and the reader kiss, then I’ll send you a pic ;)

You are a little shithead

Tell me something I don’t already know, gumdrop 🥰

Fine. Fine. They kiss! He takes his helmet off, but she doesn’t see his face. She keeps her eyes closed because she doesn’t want him to break his creed for her 🥺

Damn, that just made my heart & my cock ache :( Din is such a romantic! Be still, my foolish heart. Your readers are gonna eat that shit up, babygirl.

Please show me. That clone your willy dildo you got me just isn’t the same. And yeah, he is such a romantic! Just like you 💗

Oh, fuck. Are you using it on yourself right now? Hold on, I’m gonna FaceTime you! I need to see this for myself 😉

I miiight be.

Seconds after sending that text, Dieter FaceTimes you and his freehand is already slowly and gently fisting his cock in your view just as he sees you fucking yourself with the silicone dildo of his cloned cock.

“So pretty, good golly. You take my fake cock so well, gumdrop.”

-

It’s hours before Dieter’s flight into LAX is expected to arrive. You had just finished moving in all of your belongings from your apartment, including all of your silly little trinkets and knick knacks that you have now displayed on every available surface in his home.

Tiny animal figurines, built lego sets, little trinkets and bobbles and you even went and bought a cabinet to store yours and Dieter’s Funko Pop collection. Little pieces of yourself and your exuberant personality were scattered about the house. You were, in some ways, like a crow; you loved to collect pretty and shiny things.

When Dieter arrived home, bag slung over his shoulder, and under his eyes, the first thing he noticed was the stack of cardboard boxes neatly stacked next to the front door and his heart immediately swelled at the sight.

“Gumdrop?” He called for you, kicking his shoes off on the rainbow doormat next to yours.

He padded further into the house, stopping at the cabinet with your shared Funko Pop collection and into the kitchen where he saw that along the window sill, you had an array of different animal figurines lined up in a row, and the very first two animals were a little ceramic racoon and possum.Then he finally saw you, lounged out by the pool, typing away like a maniac on your laptop.

He dropped his bag to the floor and pulled open the sliding back door to accompany you outside.

You looked up from the screen at the familiar sound, lips curving upwards into a grin that stretched across your entire face. “Dieter!” You said enthusiastically, setting your laptop off to the side and ran over to him, nearly slipping into the pool on your way because you were so excited.

He met you halfway, wrapping his arms around you and hugging you so tightly it felt like the oxygen was being crushed out of your lungs.

“Hey there, my little crow. You moving in or something?” He said teasingly, loosening his grip around you as your arms looped around his neck, “Cause, I was gonna ask you to move in at some point but I just—”

You shushed him with a kiss, molding your lips against his in a warm embrace. “Surprise.” You carded your fingers through his hair, tugging him in closer, “You’re stuck with me now, trash panda.”

He smiled against your lips, kissing you back deeply, giving your ass a playful squeeze as you yelped in surprise, giving him full access to lick into your mouth, “Wouldn’t’ want to have it any other way, trash possum.”

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[clubdionysus]

[BAD DECISION #10] Blonde

warnings: b is in her bleach era. love that for her!! jaykay is in the chapter for like 1.5 seconds and still manages to be the best thing about it. also if u think wow holly sometimes your chapters end very similarly, uhhh yes. ur right. mainly because my brain is smooth but also because jungkook is a creature of habit! it’s within his character traits! not because im stupid! even if i am!

soundtrack: space - audrey nuna;  blonde - maisie peters

wc: 3.5k

bd total wc: 540k (on-going)

minors dni | AO3 | series masterlist 

You suppose you really shouldn't be surprised when Seokjin leaves you on read. It happens as soon as he escapes the city, just like it always does. 

It's always the same; he'll come back to town for a few days - to visit friends, his family, or maybe for a haircut with the only barber he trusts - then leaves just as quickly as he comes.

The predictability of it all would be funny, you think, but your knees are getting worn out from how many times you fall for it; his charm, his deception, his pretty lips that soothe the burn of his selfish choices. 

He'll be radio silent for a while, and then suddenly, as if he's finally changed the batteries in his walkie-talkie, he won't be. It'll most likely be when he's on his way back to town in a few months time.

The saddest part is that you know you'll want to see him when he does. Will have the burning desire to show him just how well you've been; how well you've coped without him.

Most of all? You'll want him to know just how much you don't need him.

Inevitably, he'll end up in your bed, and you'll end up all in your head - again - overthinking and underestimating just how easy it is for him to drop you. Forgetting just how badly he fucked you up, only for him to remind you in the most callous of ways.

When Danbi comes home on Thursday night - three days since Seokjin's last message - she knows exactly what's happened. You've got a special kind of pout reserved for Seokjin-related upsets. It's always a little soft yet incredibly hard to break.

"You gotta stop letting him in," she says over a glass of red. She hates the taste, but loves the soft buzz in the pit of her stomach. Though she's much better suited to Moscato, Danbi will never turn her nose up at free wine.

If she knew why you were drinking it, she might consider rejecting it.

Seokjin's favourite. You'd bought it on the way home from work. Just couldn't help yourself.

Had figured that at least when you hugged yourself to sleep that evening, your lips would taste like his used to do, on the nights when he'd tell you that you're the most delightful thing he's ever laid his eyes upon. Would be all giggly. Wine drunk. Happy. In love.

But it's been a while since he did that. Feels like a lifetime ago, now. 

You shrug as you let the ruby red liquid swirl in your glass. Fighting against your feelings feels like swimming against the tide.

Always struggling to breathe. Never winning. Failing. Falling. 

"I don't know how to, Dan."

"But you do," she insists.

And she's right. Of course you do. 

His number has never been blocked, but a simple restriction of access to you would solve so many of your problems.

Thing is, you kind of like him still being your problem. At least that way, on a technicality, he's still yours. Kind of.

Every time he comes back to the city, it's still your bed that he ends up in.

Never for the night. Just for an hour or two - but for long enough for you to convince yourself that he can't stay away.

The lies you let your mind whisper are insidious. You're irresistible. He's still just as affected by you as you are by him. He can't possibly leave you.

And yet he does, each and every time.

He doesn't ever let you go. Not fully. Whenever you think you're getting over it, he shows up just to get you under him; his thumb, his spell, his body.

You're halfway through the bottle of wine when Danbi tells you once more that you need to get Seokjin out of your hair.

You've reached the end of it by the time you're grabbing your purse and heading for the closest Olive Young.

It's just down the street, by the crossroads that lead into town, and the staff there have seen you in worse states. A little tipsy has nothing on the mascara-stained eyes they used to be greeted with during the worst days of the breakup.

"Sure about this?" Danbi asks just to check before you take the boxes in your hands to the counter.

"Absolutely not - but he always hated me blonde," you grin a little sardonically. The happiness that comes with this change will be temporary, but you have to remind yourself that so was he. "At least even if I can't resist him, he'll resist me."

Peroxide and perhaps a little fried, your blonde hair had caught his attention in the early days - but you had dyed your hair dark in a bid to keep it. 

He'd said some bullshit in a conversation amongst friends about his preferences, and how he favoured the 'natural look'. You weren't together at the time, not officially - but everyone there was a friend of his. They all knew you'd be going home with him. It only took two boxes of dye to get him asking to be exclusive. A week later he was introducing you to his friends as his girlfriend. 

Funny what a little bit of conformity can do for a man who loves playing by the rules. 

You assume his desire to tick the boxes and do what is expected of him is also why he was such a bellend when it came to the glitter you liked to dust yourself in. 

Nobody's perfect though, so he was willing to overlook it. Was just one of the flaws he perceived in you. When you love someone, you accept them.

He ultimately never grew to love it, but for a while, you thought he might.

Bleach boxes in one hand, another bottle of wine in the other, you waste no time and head straight for the bathroom. Danbi follows you right in. She's always there to lend a hand or at least provide a Spotify playlist to get you through your woes. 

Folding the powder into the developing lotion by the sink, you know your bleach-induced bathroom antics could get you a spot in a Brad Mondo video.

All a little haphazard, you're without a mixing bowl and brush, so are having to use an old takeout container and a plastic spoon, instead.

It's not quite how the instructions suggest you should mix it all up, but no good ever comes from following the rules.

You'd tried for Seokjin, and look where that got you.

Unlike him, trusty Tupperware has never done you dirty before. No reason why it should now. 

Danbi sits on the closed toilet seat, legs crossed, a small bottle of bubbles in her hand. The bubbles had been a Christmas party favour from the office job she'd quit four months ago. Rediscovered when she'd been cleaning her room earlier that day, Danbi had taken to blowing pretty little bubble flurries your way all afternoon. 

Your reflection is captured in the peacock sheen of the bubbles while you study your rapidly developing hair in the mirror. 

You haven't bothered to change out of your shirt. It's not yours. One of Seokjin's. It's navy, and you hope the bleach ruins it.

"I think I've fucked up," you say all rather calmy, talking about your hair and not the shirt. It's not the end of the world if you have. Just hair, you always think.

Danbi shrugs. Has clearly spent too much time in your company, because she echoes exactly what you're thinking: "Just hair, babe. It'll grow."

That's the joy of your friendship; you both encourage each other with the same dumb remarks whenever you feel like you've reached the point of no return. 

After all, if you can't go back? 

Go forward.

"Plus," she adds, blowing more bubbles instead of taking a breath. "You can just chalk it up to being your hot mess era."

"Been in that for months already," you smile at her in the reflection of the mirror. You prod a little at your roots, and know that you definitely should have waited a little longer to work the bleach up to them. Bollocks.

You've done this enough times to know you'll end up with a gold band haloing around the top of your hair thanks to how easily your roots always lift. Nightmare. 

"Exactly, so you may as well look the part," Danbi encourages. Worst influence going, she is. Also the best at times, too. You find comfort in the fact she won't always say what you want to hear, but what you need to hear instead.

The conversation dissolves into empty chatter, gossip about Danbi's dog walking clients, mentions of Taehyung and how he's still trying to talk her into a mates-rates discount despite the fact they aren't actually 'mates'. She asked you about your Bartender That Smiles, and you say he's all good - before you have to insist there's nothing going on there. 

"He's got issues with his ex," you explain.

She rolls her eyes. "Don't they all? Boys and their first loves, I swear to God."

"Not sure she was his first," you defend, though you're not sure why. The thought lingers as you rummage around for an old tube of toner that you know you have hiding in the bathroom cabinet somewhere. It's been a while since your hair was pale enough to take toner, so it's been pushed right to the back.

Danbi is shooed from her perch on the toilet seat and into the living room as you let the shower run to heat it a little.  

The first crash of water against your skin is lukewarm. Tepid. Unappealing, but necessary. 

You hate anything other than boiling-you-alive degrees Celsius, but know you need to be kind to your hair after the torture you've put it through. The water runs cloudy until the bleach is rinsed out, and then it runs purple thanks to your silver shampoo. It pools around your feet and seeps into the drain. Wishful thinking has you hoping memories of Seokjin will do just the same.

It's just to preemptively tone it, but you can't help but worry about the pigment taking too strongly on your roots. 

The ash toner you found in the cupboard is in a box by the sink. You plan on putting that over the top of whatever mess your hair is anyway, but it doesn't hurt to get a head start on the process. 

The water glistens a deep violet, briefly coating your skin - and for some reason, all you can think about is Jeongguk, and how you'd really like to be downing a Purple Starfucker (or five) with him right now. He really is the perfect distraction. 

Still, you have a task at hand. You rinse your hair; ring it out. Sigh as you frown at the mess that greets you in the mirror - lilac roots, a yellow band haloing just like your thought it would, and silver ends. Brilliant.

It's as you're sitting with Danbi in the living room a little while later - body wrapped in a towel that isn't half as fluffy as Jeongguk's favourite, ashy toner smothering your peroxide blonde hair - that you notice your phone flash on the coffee table.

Danbi clocks it first, and stifles a laugh as she reads the screen. "Isn't that the guy from the club?"

You assume she means Jeongguk, and are a little perplexed to see it's Jimin's name on your screen instead. 

"Yeah... Jimin. Smooth talker, shit shagger."

"A glowing review."

"Hey, I still let him think he was good," you say as you reach for your phone to read his message out loud to Danbi. "You guys out tomorrow night?"

Sipping on her wine, Danbi raises a brow. Shakes her head in confusion. "He hoping for round two?"

"Fuck knows."

It's just gone midnight, so you consider maybe he's thinking about his desire for a hook-up, and is hoping for a safe bet in the form of you. 

And so you don't reply. If he double texts, you'll just lie and say you've fallen asleep.

The scent of your toner is beginning to give you a headache, so you go to rinse it and bid farewell to your final day as a brunette.

Sleep evades you. Doesn't want to let go of who you were, apparently. Wine makes you sleepy, and yet you're wired as if you've just had a triple shot americano.

But then it's three in the morning, and all you can seem to smell is the deep conditioner you bathed your hair in that evening. 

Somehow, when you look to the empty space beside you - delicately ruffled, a dent prevailing in the pillow - you convince yourself that you can smell fig leaves and coconut. The notes of his favourite aftershave linger like the ache in your chest. It's hollow, and you can't work out why it hurts quite as much as it does. 

If there's nothing there, how can it be so painful?

You sniff back tears that fail to truly form and pull your phone from beneath your pillow. It's hard to move your fingers when they're tangled up in puppet strings that Seokjin is refusing to let go of, but eventually you manage to tap through some Instagram stories in a bid to distract yourself from him. 

Inspirational quotes don't do much for you, nor do the engagement pictures of people you haven't given a second thought since graduation. There's an abundance of them. Smiling faces. Diamonds, or maybe just cubic zirconia. Fresh sets of nails, hands that are pink and warm from the heat of whoever's been holding them.

It's a curious thought; what people who haven't spoken to you in years must think of you now. 

You were the one who was going to succeed. Going far in life, made for a boardroom, would look incredible in a pantsuit - and yet you're working in a cafe, first-class degree of no more worth than the tissue paper you flush down the toilet. 

See, you switched out life goals for glitter. You wear it like armour; protect yourself from the world around you. Who cares about seriousness and success when you're a constant disco? Not you. Could never be you.

Or at least, you hope that's what people think. Hope that no one realises you're covering yourself in artificial shine; like a canvas in acrylic because you were too impatient to watch the oil paint dry.

One day you'll glow. Glow for real. 

For a while, you thought you had been with Seokjin. 

All you see when you look in the mirror these days is tarnished silver; copper alloy pretending to be much more than what it really is. Your skin will turn green eventually.

There is, however, one person you've managed to fool. 

When his story pops up - a repost of tomorrow night's paint party event at Dionysus - you find yourself clicking through to your DM thread without much thought. You know he's at work. Know it's a 50/50 whether or not he'll get back to you before your mind begins to berate you again for how miserable you feel. 

It's a simple message - hey - and you're pleased that it's met with an equally simple reply not even a minute later.

JustJK: To what do I owe the pleasure?

You decided that 'I'm about to cry over my shitbag ex so chose to message you instead' probably won't be Jeongguk's favourite thing to hear, so you opt for a little white lie.

You: Just wondering how the kids are <3

Part of you worries he won't understand what the fuck you're on about - but of course, he does. He's Jeongguk. Gets you better than you get yourself, these days.

JustJK:  Missing their mother. 

JustJK:  Perry the Pigeon almost fell earlier.

JustJK:  Roger the Robin looks like he has a broken wing.

JustJK: Must be one of yours. Inherited his mother's wonkiness <3

With each message that comes through, your smile grows wider in the midnight darkness of your bedroom. 

You: Careful or I'll file for joint custody.

You: Get poor Roger away from his father's cruel remarks </3

There's an ease to how you joke together, both aware of how unserious you are. There's no second-guessing, no worrying about saying the wrong thing. If you do, you'll say sorry and move on. No harm, no foul.

JustJK: Your appeal won't hold up in court, Byeol.

JustJK:  You've neglected them ever since you spawned them.

JustJK:  Haven't even paid them a visit!!!

Laughter stifles in your throat as your body curls up into a more comfortable position. The audacity of this boy, you think, ignoring the way he manages to get you entirely focused on something that isn't your own despair.

You:  You've got full custody!!!

JustJK:  And you're still allowed to come for supervised visits!!!!!

JustJK:  smh and to think you call yourself their mother.

JustJK: I'm their mother now.

You pout at your screen, and whine a small little 'nooo'. 

You:  They need me :(

JustJK: Come and see them, then. They miss their mother.

You:  Tomorrow?

He reads the messages instantly, but takes a little longer than usual to reply. It worries you slightly. Makes you more aware of your surroundings. The scent of Seokjin's aftershave begins to permeate the air once more.

Until, all rather suddenly, it doesn't anymore.

JustJK:  I'm not working tomorrow night, but Jimin's insisting on going to the paint party - you coming?

You:  Will Perry the Pigeon be there?

JustJK: If he falls before I leave for the club, then yes.

It's not a bad proposition. One that quite intrigues you. One that has you agreeing, and him telling you to fuck off and go to sleep. He's got work to do, he says. 

It's actually quite quiet at the club - Yeonjun just caught him looking at his phone with a dumb smile a few too many times for Jeongguk's liking. Doesn't wanna get caught out again. 

Especially doesn't want him catching onto the fact that there's a reason Jeongguk's eyes light up like Disco Balls when he looks at his phone.

Yeonjun doesn't really have friends who are girls, Jeongguk reasons with himself. Won't understand that he's perfectly capable of having a little flirt without it meaning anything more than that - after all, isn't that just what banter is? Friendly flirting? He does it with the boys all the time. Doesn't mean fuck all. Just fun.

Jeongguk's a couple of years older than his cerulean-haired coworker, and has learnt the hard way that you really shouldn't escalate friends above the level of purely platonic. One day Yeonjun will realise this. 

For now, though, Yeonjun'll shag anyone who looks at him in the right direction. Has probably already ruined a few good friendships. Doesn't even realise he's done it.

Jeongguk trusts himself not to make the same mistakes he's made in the past with you. Thinks that he's pretty happy with how things are. Has missed the dynamics of friendships with girls. Is looking forward to Monday movie night with you and Danbi again.

And yet when he gets home to find Perry the paper pigeon on his bed, he can't help but smile.

You wake up to a picture of the fallen bird in your DMs - and even though you'll whine and complain about it when you see him that evening, all you can do is smile, too.

JustJK:  Looks like we're having a wholesome family trip to Dionysus tonight.

You: Mummy and Daddy reunited at last <33 Perry will be so happy.

JustJK: It's okay, you don't have to lie.

JustJK:  I know you're talking about yourself, not Perry.

Jeongguk doesn't send the message where he tells you not to call him Daddy. Knows you'll read into it; tease him about it. It's not like he's got a thing for it, or anything, he just... maybe wouldn't be opposed to it, and so he'd rather not be called it when he's having casual conversations with you. Wouldn't wanna get flustered. 

Part of you already knows this. Is precisely why you'd said it. It's not really your style, not the kind of thing that gets you going.

But it is also exactly why you choose to end your next message with, 'See you tonight, Daddy x'.

You're laughing as you send it.

And as he receives it, Jeongguk groans. Buries his head into his pillow. Crumples Perry a little in the process. Whines. 

"Don't fuck this up, Jeongguk."

AO3 | MASTERLIST | NEXT

[teenagemutantninjatrauma]

So recently I was rewatching a few random Fast Forward episodes again (as one does when one is writing a massive AU about something) and BOY DO I NEED TO SHARE A THEORY

So like... Torbin Zixx, right.

This guy:

He gets introduced to us in the FF Bishop episode, of all times, as a mysterious vigilante who has avoided not only being captured but also getting caught clearly on any security footage anywhere! How strange! Anyways, Bishop introduces themselves to the turtles, Raph tries to attack his hologram, and the gang agrees to help Bishop catch this guy. Banger!

And then! We get to this shot.

Now, I don't know if this is a noticeable detail to anybody who like, has a life and isn't obsessed with this cartoon, BUT - boy does this face look familiar. The nose specifically is preeetty prominent.

YEAH I bet none of you were thinking THIS when watching that season (probably a good sign that you have better things to do), BUT I THINK.

ZIXX IS A BISHOP CLONE.

Consider the evidence - because there IS evidence, actually!

First of all, they get to stand back to back in the opening even though they both show up like twice? Three times? For mostly unrelated adventures? Why do they get to stand back to back instead of like, Zyxx getting a spot in the villain lineup that is also in the opening? He is ostensibly occasionally doing good but he’s mostly a trickster able to outsmart the turtles and get away - a trait Bishop has exhibited even when he almost fuckin died in Bishop's Gambit, by the way - so it feels meaningful to set him up here, back to back with Bishop of all people.

Second, they get introduced in the same episode, Bishop to Knight. I know we all rag on this season and the following season for not reaching the previous five seasons' standard, but I believe while Back To The Sewer was genuinely badly written, Fast Forward's issue was only that it wasn't given enough time to elaborate on all the things it set up - it is still written well. Things happen with intentions behind them, we are given as much closure as the show could manage, and so it feels like introducing two characters in the same episode has meaning. Combined with the shot from the opening, it really does feel to me like a point is being made here to compare the two.

Third, there is the parallel of both of them tricking Raph with their holograms - unintentionally and intentionally. It makes sense for Bishop, or someone made to think just like Bishop, to use new modern technology like this, because he's a resourceful bastard!

Look at him flinging himself at people he doesn't like. Me too, man.

"He and Bishop don't look alike!" - Well, not anymore they don't. But look at how Bishop used to look during the first five seasons, during his EPF era, and compare that to Zixx, and then compare Zixx to PGA era Bishop:

The nose, the face shape, the dual communicators? PGA era Bishop does look different and this could be attributed to either change of artstyle or the implication that his clone bodies have evolved and changed over the last century, but Zixx is a piece of who he used to be and has had to evolve differently, and thus looks the part.

(Additionally, we have already seen Bishop make clones of himself that didn't look exactly like his then-current body, when he made the Slayer army in Bishop's Gambit.)

This, by the way, would explain why there is no digital track of Zixx's face anywhere. Because hey, let's be real here - the opening of the episode is dedicated to how much information Bishop personally looks through.

If Zixx was indeed running around wearing Bishop's face, he'd want him gone, but Zixx, being a Bishop clone, would be smart enough not to get caught! Thus, the next best thing would be to get rid of any proof of similarity between them, hence these being the only picture Donnie, a de facto civillian, could find.

(Ironically, this could very well have lead to Zixx becoming the infamous enigma he is said to be in this world.)

They also fight alike, relying on acrobatics and on being able to push and pull their opponents around as needed. I am unfortunately too tired to get good screenshots/clips of this.

"But Zixx doesn't look human!"/"But Zixx has a different voice than Bishop!"/"But Zixx has green eyes!" - He's a vigilante in a scifi space show and has the face and voice of the most well known guy in all of space, is it truly a stretch to assume he might've gotten body modifications? We've already got one guy grafting alien DNA onto himself to survive and it's none other than Dr Baxter Stockman, notably another piece of Bishop's past that's come back to haunt him. Why not two?

You know this would also be in line with what I am now calling the Seeing Double Theme - Dark Turtles and a new Turtle Titan are in this story, confrontations of the future and the past self in some way, shape or form are a running theme of Fast Forward, so why wouldn’t there be a Bishop clone running around

No clue how or why Zixx would ditch the whole "protect all of Earth" mentality, but when Bishop reforms himself and swings into the extreme of establishing intergalactic peace to a point where he can't even be partial towards Earth anymore, does it not make sense narratively for his foil to swing the other way, become a typical "only looking out for myself" type of guy?

"It could also be said that maybe Zixx shows off traits that Bishop usually obfiscates, with the self-serving nature being a good example. We know all of Bishop's grand goals are really just covering for the fact that he's scared and wants to protect himself, right? If you look at the core of everything he does, it's to benefit himself. Zixx forgoes making up any justifications and says it like it is: he only cares about himself and what others can do for him." - additional comment, courtesy of THE Bishop Guy™, @violetvulpini, who's the reason I'm going this insane rn in the first place.

In conclusion, I strongly believe that Torbin Zixx is a Bishop clone gone rogue, similar in origin to the Slayer aka Rat King. He is Bishop shaped, he gets to stand next to Bishop in the opening like they're anime foils to each other, and it is SO interesting to explore.

This has been Trauma, and you've been Zixxed ✌️💜

BONUS: Headcanon territory!

Zixx's purpose was to be a "back-up" clone. Bishop has been recording his findings and work since at least the EPF era when we meet him, so maybe these recordings are then uploaded somewhere so that in case he dies and can't make the body transfer, a new clone is awoken and informed of his purpose. For some reason this system has at some point malfunctioned and awoken Zixx despite Bishop surviving - possibly during the collapse of the lab he and Stockman used to work in, or during the space war that gets vaguely mentioned at one point.

"clone six" or "version six" somehow becomes "Torbin Zixx"?

How did Zixx become a vigilante? Well, we know Bishop doesn't have human blood. Presumably the blue goop that we see him bleed at the end of Bishop's Gambit is something synthesized specifically for his body, so I imagine it would be VERY hard to come by. This, I think, would very easily lead to a life of crime he has more than the ideal set of skills for.

Bishop probably wants him obliterated but can't reasonably dedicate resources to catching or killing who he KNOWS is gonna be the ultimate most hard-to-kill guy in the known universe.

He steals Bishop's fancy car specifically just to piss him off <3

[etaleah]

The thing that pains me the most about recent Shadow portrayals being all “Friendship is for the weak! It’s pathetic! I don’t NEED friends!” is that this is an idea that could actually be done amazingly, beautifully well if a good writer with a decent amount of creative freedom was behind it.

Picture it: Shadow is still grieving the only friend he ever had. She was stolen from him, killed before his very eyes, and he can’t bear it. He can never, ever, let that happen again because it will break him even more than he already is. And then, subconsciously, he realizes that he’ll never have to suffer the pain of losing a friend if he never has any friends to lose.

Thus begins his (again, mostly subconscious) decision to push people away and make sure nobody can be his friend. Because that way lies misery, and he knows better this time. He’ll protect himself by keeping everyone at arm’s length. Anybody who tries to get too close will be pushed away.

The other characters don’t realize this, of course. They don’t know about the details of Shadow’s experience with Maria, so they have no choice but to assume he’s just like this, but the audience knows where he’s really coming from. We know that Shadow is acting from a place of grief, fear, and trauma, using the only defense mechanism he knows, but the characters mistake those traits for anger and hatefulness.

Think of the conflict and tension possibilities! You could have Rouge or Sonic or Cream or someone else trying so hard to reach out to Shadow, thinking there must be some good under all that harshness, and he gets scared and starts putting up emotional walls. Maybe they fight over this, yell at him, demand to know what they ever did to make him be so mean to them, and he doesn’t want to tell them because no one understands and maybe he doesn’t even fully understand why he’s like this because Shadow has a hard time with feelings. You could even have moments where he’s tempted to lower his walls, when he sees everybody having fun and just for a moment wishes he could do that too, but he doesn’t dare because he knows what will happen if he does.

At some point it all comes to a head, the truth comes out, there’s more fights, and eventually Shadow finally breaks down and cries because deep down he doesn’t really want to be alone, but alone is what he knows and the only option that makes him feel safe. And then you get this lovely scene of him finally being comforted, cared for, told that it’s better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all, etc., with him finally being welcomed into their group at the end.

Why can’t we have that story? I would pay good money to read, watch, or play that story. I want it so badly I might just write it myself. Because it’s a much better, more sincere, and more narratively satisfying story than “Shadow looks down on friendship because he’s an asshole who thinks he’s better than everyone else for no reason.”

[trekkele]

General complaint, not directed at you:

*sigh* I know the batfandom likes to play trauma olympics, but if i see one more take that argues that the batkids have so much more trauma than bruce who has been in comics since *looks up specific number* 1939, almost a century, and has everything bad happening to him at least once. Not to mention how DC wants to keep him young, which means they condense all his stories into less than twenty years. And this is how we could have a dead batman, an outcast batman and a family dad batman all in different runs simultaneously. Dude gets tortured in one comic and has a messy love life in the next, while losing his mind because fucking... six or more entities are fighting over him in the other six runs.

What I'm getting at is, trauma olympics are not allowed unless my fave is winni-

JOKING! I'm joking!!

My real point is this: where did bruce's character trait of internalising things vanish to? Because now it's more like lashing out and blowing up all the time. Something bad happens to him, he bottles it up, doesn't wanna talk about it and pushes people away who try to push him to open up. No, he doesn't just arbitrarily lash out every chance he gets. Yes, he loses control when reaching a breaking point but that can't be happening every issue in every comic because that man has been shown to be able to work under immense pressure and not to lash out unless it's all over and some time has passed and somebody's needling him to talk about it.

This is really badly writting (my comment, not the comics, although this applies to them too lmao) and not coherent at all but if you have opinions about this, please share.

To summerize my incoherent ask: Has batman lost his character trait of internalising things and was it changed to lashing out because of literally anything? I'm aware the answer changes depending on if you're talking about Batman comics with no Robins in sight, a JL comic, or a Batman comic WITH Robins in it.

Thank you for reading this mess. Sorry for making you read this mess.

Have a great day!

Such a good point about the trauma Olympics tho, I really agree because it feels like everyone's favorite has to have All The Traumas before they can be valid for feeling some way about them which is, slow down, it's fine, they can be complex characters without the entire CPS checklist

Bruce is winning though (<- mostly joking but also seriously give my boy a BREAK)

I think you did answer your own question though, with "depending on if you're talking about a comic with no Robins, or a JL, or a 'batfamily' comic" because the problem I have with how Bruce is written a lot nowadays is that he's not so much a character as a plot device. Need an ally to betray the JL? Bruce. Need someone to misunderstood Robin? Bruce. Need someone to get all the love interests and inter-dimensional entities drooling over his brain? Bruce.

Some of those scenarios will make sense, obviously, but sometimes it feels like the writers needed a big name to act a certain way to move the story along.

Take for example the Tower of Babel storylines, where Bruces paranoia? Makes sense! He has been betrayed by allies, he has experience with mind control and the consequences of actions taken under mind control, he understands the need for containment in those situations!

His actions tho??? The contingency plans, specifically for Superman? Are torture. And that doesn't fit his personality or the purpose of his plans at all!!!!! It's about containment and harm reduction, always. Not. Whatever the fuck is going on there.

So I think the problem with Batman, beyond bad faith criticism of his concept, and bad writing, is overexposure. He should not be in so many titles, with so many people writing him, and so little care about his consistency.

Until then unfortunately, he's going to feel wildly different in every comic he's in.

[xbadnews]

MINI CHARACTER PLAYLIST

SHARE AT LEAST FIVE SONGS THAT REMIND YOU OF YOUR MUSE, OR THAT YOU ASSOCIATE WITH YOUR MUSE’S CHARACTER ARC. Including lyrics is optional.

i can hold a grudge like nobody's business - adam jensen

Living just to say goodbye Save me from my selfish pride Can you see the words written on my face?

okay so something i talk about quite a bit is that percy tends to live day to day. it's something he works on with time but it's not a linear process; he's someone who perceives himself as dead before the story started. he lives with the intent of dying, quickly, but not before these impossible string of events he thinks somehow, through his price, he & his friends can achieve. [ killing the briarwoods, r i p l e y , taking on the chroma conclave, stopping vecna ]

but while he feels he's destined for death [ or already dead ] he's b e g g i n g to be seen. i think it was @deathwalkerr that pointed out to me how badly percy wants to be feared, how badly he wants his innate danger to be acknowledged. his pride drives him to be impulsive, which mixes super dangerously with this inability to think about the future.

You got me actin' like the old me But you don't even know me

i like these lines mixed with the sentiment of him holding grudges because there is this bittersweet feeling that comes w him getting close w vox machina. they become the closest thing he has to family, they're the people he feels closest to alive with. but he feels unknown for a long, long time.

so while he starts to engage in more positive/fun things there's still this sentiment of ' you don't know who i was, you only know what i show you ' which kind of hangs over his head for a long time before he can trust himself entirely with vm. this being said, i definitely think keyleth is the first person to draw him out of this mentality. she's the first one to bring his walls down & see percy's fluctuating definition of ' self ' .

Can I get a witness? 'Cause I can hold a grudge like nobody's business Seein' double vision Show me what you got and I'll show what you're missing

this is the chorus!!! a huge part of why it's here. again, playing off of that desire to be seen as dangerous. to be seen as unpredictable. to be handled with the caution he does not have. yes! got a lot of positive traits. he tries to be good but good is not the priority. he's also petty, angry & often unafraid when he should be.

it's also sort of a sentiment of ' well you aren't seeing it so i'll Show You ' but that's a whole nother conversation.

2. arsonist's lullaby - hozier

so first of all before i get into specifics, i have to clarify that this is one of my favorite songs for percy. one of the themes of this blog i like to dig into is utilizing your demons, using the worst parts of yourself to do what you think is necessary.

When I was a child I heard voices Some would sing and Some would scream You soon find you have few choices I learned the voices died with me

this is a sentiment i love. sort of plays off of when percy met the raven queen & asked if he was always broken & she answered yes. there's always been a darkness within him, an urge that couldn't quite be satisfied. i have this headcanon that as a kid, percy was a secret thrill seeker. he'd climb whitestone walls & frame his siblings for pranks & get up to all sorts of trouble.

he rarely got caught because no one was ever looking at him, he's the backup of a backup & what he's doing was always secondary to whatever his older siblings were doing. so there's always been this wildness within him that's manifested in different ways, that he's used in different ways. as a kid, it was just to get a thrill. as an adult it's a stronger beast entirely, but it is the beast the forged his survival.

All you have is your fire And the place you need to reach Don't you ever Tame your demon But always keep 'em on a leash

this plays on that thought of ' that beast forged his survival '. it's like, even in his most desperate times he still had that wild will to live. that rabid, instinctual fire to live. has it burned through his life like a storm? yes!!! in so many places ashes is all that's left. but you can do so much with ash. you can make ink, bricks, compost.

it's this sentiment again of utilizing that fire within him regardless of the consequences because that fire is how he's survived. it's costed so much, but it's always been apart of him. it will never not be. it's just a matter of learning how to manage it in a way that he can still live a life. that he can build whatever fluctuating definition of the future he's trying to work towards, whether or not he's able to view himself as a part of that future.

When I was a man I thought it ended When I knew loves perfect ache But my peace has always depended On all the ashes in my way

again, it's that idea of ' you can do so much with ash ' & as he grows up, he does. he absolutely does. he doesn't put out his fire, but he learns how to manage it. it's like this shift between ' what it's done to him ' to ' what he can do with it'. he learns to love longterm, he cares longterm with time. it's not a linear journey by any means, but it's one he takes. but he still uses his fire to protect his home, his friends, his family. he keeps growing, but never forgets what exists within him. what he can use to make sure he never loses it again.

3. hi ren - ren

so i'm going to clarify before digging into this that i have a lot to say on this song. it is a song based in mental illness but i also have it on percy's playlist because it definitely feels like how i imagine percy's relationship w/ orthax is. but i also love it as a back & forth because one of the things i preach is that percy's healing journey is not linear. some days are harder than others & i feel like this song nails the battle within self.

And I've been making some progress lately And I've learnt some new coping skills So I haven't really needed you much, man I think we need to just step back and chill

there are a few chunks of this song talking about doing a little better, looking at the present in a different light than his usual perception. it's this idea of 'getting better' & trying to leave old habits, old pieces of yourself in the past. which as talked about previously, does not work for percy. he defines survival by the worst, most ferocious pieces of himself & orthax is one of those things.

And when I'm gone, maybe I'll be remembered For doing something special with myself That's why I don't think that we should talk, man 'Cause when you're with me, it never seems to help

again that feeling of ' i am doing better, i will do better ' which is part of like percy;s endgame. he wants to be remembered beyond the weapons he put into this world, he wants to be better than he was previously & thinks that he can be. knows that he can be, eventually. but there is this scar of orthax left in percy's mind that leads to moments like the next lyrics.

You think that you can amputate me? I am you, you are me, you are I, I am we We are one, split in two that makes one, so you see You got to kill you if you wanna kill me I'm not left over dinner, I'm not scraps on the side Oh, your music is thriving? Delusional guy

i like these lyrics because it makes me think not only of orthax targeting ripley as a conduit to get back at percy, but also like the thoughts left from getting rid of orthax. it's like this thought of even if he's gone, it doesn't change the darkness within percy. it doesn't change his capacity for violence. it's this feeling of ' i will never be free from this part of myself & it will always remind me '

Fuck you, I don't need you, I don't need to hear this 'Cause I'm fine by myself, I'ma genius And I will be great, and I will make waves And I'll shake up the whole world beneath us

but percy snaps back. he cultivates this faith in people via vox machina, which leads to faith in self that again is not a linear progression but it's one he treasures. he knows this nastiness is apart of him but it doesn't stop him from wanting to be better, from trying to be better. he has changed the world & wants to continue to do so despite this internal pull away from self-help.

When standing in-front of my solar eclipse My name it is stitched to your lips, so, you see

this is another bit talking about orthax/percy's darkness as being a part of him, regardless of the growth he goes through. it will always exist within him, whether or not he wants it there.

As I got older, I realised that there were no real winners And there were no real losers in physiological warfare But there were victims and there were students

this line specifically i feel like alludes to one of my headcanons abt him absorbing bits of the people around him, absorbing bits of ripley specifically when he was in captivity. just that thought of ' there are victims & there are students ' like percy learned how to survive via his suffering rather than allowing it to kill him.

It was never really a battle for me to win, it was an eternal dance And like a dance, the more rigid I became, the harder it got The more I cursed my clumsy footsteps, the more I struggled So I got older and I learned to relax And I learned to soften and that dance got easier It is this eternal dance that separates human beings From angels, from demons, from gods And I must not forget, we must not forget That we are human beings

this is just here because these lyrics shape how i view percy's state of mind. ' the more i cursed my clumsy footsteps, the more i struggle'. it plays off of the sentiment of the last song, that this darkness, that orthax will always be a part of him. what he's done will always be apart of him. his mental illness will always be apart of him. but it does not define him. it's not all he is. he has fucked up, he will continue to do so, but he will keep going. it really lends to the shift between ' i will die, i am dead ' to ' i want to live, life is too full to miss '

4. this too shall pass - danny schmidt

My friend makes rings She swirls and sings She's a mystic in the sense That she's still mystified by things But scared to ask How can nothing seem to last

these lyrics specifically make me think of how percy views keyleth. their relationship is one of my favorites & i think these lyrics really hit the nail on the head for his view of her. specifically ' She's a mystic in the sense that she's still mystified by things ' because he see's her learning journey firsthand & plays a part in it. but there is this anger within her that burns things up, just like the fire within him.

i also love this song in terms of he & keyleth's relationship because of the sentiments surrounding how temperamental life is. like it passes, quickly. percy's life will be the blink of an eye to keyleth, there will be a day when she forgets his voice, the wrinkles on his forehead, passing details that won't matter in a couple hundred years. does he think she will forget him? sometimes. but he knows in his heart she wont. but that doesn't make life any longer, existence any more permanent.

also i like these lyrics because it sort of sells this idea of the peace they work towards relentlessly being a temporary solution. their work together will one day be undone & all they can do is hope it will last the span of their lives.

So I pray to hands And I pray to needs And I pray to blades of grass To find forgiveness in the weeds

percy is faithless, he doesn't hold much trust in the gods. but he has faith in the people he loves. he believes in his family. so though he doesn't practice religion, love is the closest thing he's got. which is a hard pill to swallow for him when his instinct is anything but love, when the instinct that has driven him to survive for so long. but because of him practicing love ( to the best of his ability ) he tries to practice forgiveness. it's hard, relentlessly so, but he makes that active effort to work towards it. there will always be someone wretched, but he was wretched once too. does that mean he has to trust them??? absolutely not! but that doesn't mean he's going to condemn them either.

I just never did believe And so I never prayed myself Except to those that prayed for me

this plays off of that last idea, that the closest thing to religion he has is love. that the closest thing he has to faith is in people.

5. up the wolves - the mountain goats

There's bound to be a ghost at the back of your closet No matter where you live There'll all ways be a few things, maybe several things That you're gonna find really difficult to forgive

here's that theme of forgiveness/healing not being a linear journey. percy forgives the people who hurt him in theory. it's a means to move past what they did to him, to become more than what happened to him. but that doesn't mean it's an easy process. he decides to forgive ripley right before she kills him & there is a lot of emotional debris from this

also bonus song: i'm not angry anymore plays on this theme. [i'm not angry anymore, well sometimes i am.] it's like this feeling of wanting to be better, wanting to forgive but it's a whole process when that ability for danger & to take a grudge has defined so much of what he's accomplished up until this point. it defines a part of him that he begs to be feared, that he uses as a weapon in survival. but survival doesn't have to be a fight & in order to accept that, he has to let go of a few things. of alot of things. which is not easy, it's one of the hardest things he's ever done. including taking down a literal god. but man, is it worth it.

There's gonna come a day when you'll feel better You'll rise up free and easy on that day And float from branch to branch, lighter than the air Just when that day is coming, who can say? Who can say?

again, it's this feeling of forgiveness not being a linear journey. one day he will feel better, one day things will be better & eventually he is able to see that. but it's not an immediate effect. saying you forgive someone & actually forgiving them are two separate things & it takes a long time to do, but it's something that is eternally worth doing.

he accepts the parts of himself forged by the people who's hurt him, by the people he's hurt. he accepts that they will always be apart of him, but stops holding it against them if that makes sense??? it's a huge weight off of his shoulders, but it's not immediate. it takes time, but one day he does feel better. one day he gets to be better.

tagged by: @mindhallow [ thank you this is my favorite thing to do ] tagging: @delightfalse, @deathwalkerr, @spellwound, @countercharmd , @xavthew0rld , @whalefelled, @heartheaded, @lunarfey, @luxcruor, @chosenpower, @vchloras, @firefurious

[dekusleftsock]

I think if hori wrote toga better more people would like her but he hardly gives a shit about her so her story and personality and thoughts are messy (as in badly written) and nonsensical. I wanna like her but you have to do a lot of leg work to make her interesting and worth the time and love, Hori doesnt love her enough to but a lot of effort into her, unlike the other two male villains who he wont shut up about. Togas always just been (for me personally) an underutilized, underdeveloped waste of what could have been a cool idea. The Anti-toga people are not unfounded in most of their criticisms (MOST), shes the only seemingly queer person and of course shes a lustful blood sucking pervert psycho murderer with no real depth.

(btw you are more than welcome to both ignore this and LOVE toga I am not saying for you shes not worth the time or energy, this is just me reflecting on her and how hori has treated her, i appreciate and value fanon and the effort fans will put into loving her, thats so cool and based, im glad you can find joy in something like that, for people who like her- I wish she was cared for by her writer 💕)

Uh… what I see or believe isn’t fanon broski.

Look Horikoshi has always had a problem of pushing aside the women in his series, the worst of this case has ALWAYS been ochako. Do I think that’s because he wanted to write a gay love story? Yeah, I do. Does that make it okay? Absolutely not. I will be the first person to shout from the rooftops that horikoshi does not write women as well as he should. He has fan service abundant, he makes crude jokes using women that really aren’t all that funny, he’s pushed aside his women and their moments in order to forward bkdk’s development.

But you can absolutely not come into my ask to tell me that she is an, “underdeveloped wasted idea”. Because she’s just fucking not.

People think toga is just “the blood sucking bisexual who likes animals too”, but she’s just fucking not. That’s never been her defining trait or character.

Toga is a subversion of the yandere trope. That sadly means there will always be misogynistic rhetoric because that���s what the trope is. At least BEFORE the subversion happens, which is now! Where Ochako DOESNT FIND HER CREEPY!

She’s going to be creepy and weird and have issues because she’s a villain. She’s a queer villain. Her entire story is one that defies the tragedy of carmilla and refuses to let her identity be anything but “Himiko Toga”. She has always been a character about identity. She’s never been “possessive” or “jealous” over Izuku for this purpose. It’s the reason why she’s bisexual, why she just “has an attraction to blood”. It’s a queer story wrapped in metaphor and it always has been. Why is THIS monster/villain queer story any worse than, idfk, the joker and Batman. I haven’t found a single person able to genuinely voice that to me in a way that is convincing! Horror and unconventional ways of love and ESPECIALLY blood has always always ALWAYS been a part of queer coded stories for a LONG TIME. We are the unconventional. We always have been. And that’s not me “bending over backwards” HER PARENTS LITERALLY CALL HER A DEVIANT AND SHE ASKS WHY NO ONE ELSE STRUGGLES WITH THE URGES SHE DOES.

I’ve said this before, and I’ll fucking say it again, Toga is horikoshi’s most well written and thought out female character. Ochako got kicked over and over again, same with momo, Tsu, Mina, and whoever the fuck else.

And I’m sorry, but writing a queer villain inspired by the lesbian vampire trope isn’t homophobic or bad writing.

She’s HAD depth. Idk if you read her backstory or her feelings on Ochako, twice, hawks, or even Izuku but she’s HAD depth. And I’m tired of pretending she hasn’t.

Normally I wouldn’t engage with shit like this but you reached out to me DIRECTLY. So let me make this clear: you can have whatever opinions you want on toga, and I will not get angry or express anger in any sort of way. But this account? This is not your fucking space and I will ABSOLUTELY meme on you for it.

[zosonils]

Wait, no, actually, tell me about the Scribblenauts timeline. I must be real... I like it too. I love unifying timelines where things seemingly just happen, tell us!

scribblenauts fans rise up >:] to be clear this isn't an attempt to sort out the canon timeline [although if you asked i'd guess unlimited > scribblenauts > super > unmasked based on the few splinters of plot we get] but rather taking inspiration from the scraps of story available to build something new and coherent, although at this stage 'coherent' isn't super accurate lmao it's just islands of solid ideas amidst a sea of autism nonsense

basically i'm deciding that the doppelganger's presence in 10-5 of super counts as a plot and slapping that on top of the more consistently defined world and lore of unlimited and onwards [so kind of what unmasked and the subsequent comic did but batman isn't there], with an added sprinkle of the 'scribblenauts being an actual organisation that maxwell is involved in' thing that never made it past background details in the first game. while unlimited arguably has the most iconic and/or existent plot and for sure i want lily to be a deutragonist i'm not sure how much of it i'll retain because 1. turning your daughter into stone is bad parenting 2. let her tag along and be an actual character instead of a literal rock you cowards and 3. the more super-inspired storyline i have in mind with the doppelganger is probably enough to carry the emotional intensity of a mostly lighthearted story by itself and i don't want to bog things down with too many subplots lol

i'm absolutely reading too deep into this kiddie game but i think the doppelganger as an antagonist of maxwell's own creation reflecting all his worst traits would be super interesting in an environment that puts more consistent and deliberate thought into character writing, so that's the idea i'm basing this autism-powered rehash on. i don't think it's ever actually specified but when i was a little sporelet playing scribblenauts unlimited for the first time i somehow got the impression that starites grant wishes? which is cute so i'm using that as maxwell's motivation to join the scribblenauts and seek them out, that he wants to collect enough to wish for something cool and superficial that a 12ish [?????] year old kid would want. but then after lots of adventures and character development when he's in the dramatic final confrontation with his doppelganger and has matured enough to see him as a distressed kid in uniquely terrifying circumstances rather than just an annoying knockoff he instead uses his wish on giving doppelganger the chance to be a normal kid with a normal life because he wants to make kind decisions now. then i guess they all go home and nobody dies in a scripted ufo explosion

this post is getting toooooo long so i'm gonna try and wrap it up now but god i already have so many ideas rattling around my head for an autism reawakening that could be over in a week lmao. now i'm even sadder that my computer is busted because i want to replay unlimited and refresh my lore so badly..... there's a fandom page [breezewiki sweep though] for the series which has helped refresh my memory but none of the sources are cited it's a nightmare. what do you mean maxwell and lily are twins for the love of god give me a single screenshot or manual scan that mentions this

also i didn't have a good place to insert this but even though edgar and julie having 42 kids is obviously a Silly Joke and excuse to give unlimited some unique characters i am choosing to interpret it as them being experienced foster carers. i don't care to sort through every single character and decide which if any are biologically related to each other lmao but adopted/foster families are swag as hell and there should be more of them in media! it also adds a nice layer to the doppelganger plot - maxwell is more willing to reach out to him because he's seen 'angry bitter kid who will only get better with kindness' in a lot of his brothers and maybe himself, and it gives doppelganger an easy place to go for his happy ending because maxwell's parents are experts at taking in kids like him. didn't want to end this post without mentioning this because i'm already suuuper attached to the concept

[jeweled-blue-eyes]

Hi. So remember when you told this iklies x of Penelope au here Reynold left her in the first and iklies found her and I wrote a fic as i-wanna-be-an-aouthor Well I saw it again and i kinda wanted to continue it so I wrote another chapter on ao3.

Since you were the one who came up with the idea and it has forever been engrained in vadd headcanons part of my brain i thought it would only be fair if you read it. So https://archiveofourown.org/works/50339740/chapters/127176892#workskin.

Thanks a lot☺️☺️💝

Thank you for sharing your story with me! 🥰💗 I still remember it. Didn't Penelope and Iklies marry in the original version of your fic or was I already continuing the fic in my head because it didn't have an ending back then? Well, fingers crossed for them that this dream becomes reality in chapter 5. 🌠

Penelope's comment about the map...suspicious, Iklies why is the map wet? Did you smudge the lines purposefully because you didn't want Penny to abandon you? And aww Penny is so naive she believes him when he says the horse is rented. I wanted them to keep the horsie. Little things like Penelope not touching the communal soap or refusing to eat the weird smelling fish in the soup from the inn surprised me, because I imagined a person like her who grew up with little to no food would eat anything no matter how badly prepared. This gives me the impression that the life in the Eckart duchy wasn't yet so bad. Or that the bullying hadn't reached the stage where they tampered with her food yet. In the short time with the Eckarts she did pick up a few traits of a noble girl after all. Won't the people get suspicious of her appeareance?

That Reynold gets punished...ha! deserved. Even though it's a little unfair that he suffers more than the father and Derrick. He was the least awful person in Penelope's life and just copying what the other adults did. I feel like now Derrick and the knights might direct their anger towards him. I don't think Derrick would be as bad as he was to Penelope but I can see becoming a tad abusive towards Reynold and the Duke becoming a mix of neglectful (if he wasn't already) and overprotective of his remaining children. For example I can imagine that Reynold would now have a curfew and has to ask for permission every time he's leaving the duchy. They might assign him guards who are always glued to his side and he feels like he has barely enough room to breathe. He'd feel more like a prisoner than the son of an aristocrat. Which would give him a great chance to undergo character development and reflect on his behaviour. Maybe it gets so bad he runs away too and meets Penelope years later. It'd be on Penelope whether to forgive him or not but you can bet that Iklies would give Reynold first a proper beating for mistreating his (now) wife 👊🌸

[1863-project]

Was informed by @clerkz​ that there is a word game where you get to play as a female engineer and I am getting so much euphoria just from knowing this exists:

She has the soot and grease on her face and everything and I feel so...so represented for once. This is what I needed to see as a kid. I needed this so, so badly.

Main character Tilly Hudson (great surname - a Hudson is a 4-6-4) has a cute design and gets down and dirty repairing and maintaining the locomotive she drives. This would have meant so much to me as a kid who wanted this for herself. Seeing a woman doing it would have had such a huge impact. I needed this so badly.

And doing this does not make her unattractive, either! I needed to see that, too, because I grew up in a place where I was socially punished for not performing femininity to one specific standard that I, an autistic girl, would never be capable of reaching. So to see a woman portrayed a lot like me being viewed as attractive and lovable is really surreal because I never was able to view myself that way. Sure, this is a silly mobile game and she’s still conventionally attractive, but the personality traits I have being portrayed this way is HUGE for me and I really would have benefited from seeing this as a younger woman.

I haven’t started playing the game yet because I’m afraid I’m going to cry the entire time.

[sistematraumado]

Presentation of us — English

Us:

We are a C-DID system, with a 'Totality' of +300 alters [we are more, but for privacy we will not say] although complete and semi-complete alters we only reach 200 or a little more.

we are mainly non-human and Introjectives [more on the "fictive" side].

We feel comfortable using VERY specific roles, since it gives us an idea of how each one works, even though we don't kill ourselves looking for each role.

We have other disorders but the most "Important" ones that I want to highlight are that we are NPD and BPD Traits.

We feel comfortable calling ourselves "plural" and "System", we do not feel connected to the term "Person with DID" for the same reason that we do not consider ourselves people, nor do we use the term "patient with DID" since we do not want being all the time, every second, remembering that we have a disorder that will be with us all our lives.

Warning:

We lack empathy and it is difficult for us to put ourselves in the shoes of others other than our "favorite person" or our "supply."

We don't make friends easily, so we may be curt when speaking.

It is mandatory that you use tonetags when talking to us.

Although we have no problem with questions, it is not something we want to listen to and we prefer to use the internet to relax.

We have spelling mistakes.

There are alters who use "Comshipp" and "darkshipp" as a relief method.

We consider "loving your nation" as barbarism and indoctrination.

We are Peronists leaning towards Kirchnerism, but lately we are separating ourselves from several ideals that they follow.

We support self-recognition.

We are not interested in activism, even though it is possible that our opinions can be confused with one.

¡Más!:

We believe in the Virgin Mary and we pray to her only, but we do not believe in God or in Jesus [although we take into account their existence but not as dictated in the Bible]

collective pronouns:

He/they/it/vamp

We are all transmasc, also that for the most part we are either trans men or enbys with masc alignment, in addition to that collectively almost all of us are gay.

We like being on the internet and we use it as an escape from our lives and a respite from it.

DNI:

Basic dni

neurotypical

passive-aggressive

hetero-cis

radqueer

non-traumagenic "systems"

people who are not responsible for their system

pedophiles, necrophiles, zoophiles

transphobic radfem

white feminism

"menstruation causes infections in men"

miley fans

<<defenders of coscu, spreen, carre, nimu, dalas>>>

anti-shippers

They romantically ship aroace characters

believe the victim is to blame

Peronists, Kirchnerists, Macristas or any political party in Argentina [we are going to get along badly because I criticize everyone JSJDJD]

does not believe in the 30,000 missing

blame the Malvinas heroes for losing

accuses the pencil night boys of being terrorists.

[luxurybrownbarbie]

Hey barbie! How do I stop being too nice/ empathetic? When I was younger (think primary school age) I was treated and excluded pretty badly and it made me realise how important it is to be kind to everyone. And kindness to me is like a dealbreaker value- it’s how I decide whether I want to be friends with someone or not, it’s what I look for in a partner, and I consider it my most important character “trait” for better or for worse.

However I’m older (prettier as well which I guess could make a difference) and i keep on meeting men who take advantage of my kindness by thinking I’m into them. I explicitly say I’m not interested in them and dating and they don’t listen to my boundaries, manipulate me to change my mind and sometimes it borders on harassment :/ I’ve blocked those men now but it’s happened a couple of times now that I’m scared that men I’ll meet in the future will also treat me this way. But on the other hand, I don’t want to stop being kind and compassionate because I think the world is already shitty, so why should I compromise my values for them. What should I do?

You’re absolutely right darling. You should never let the world cause you to stop being kind and compassionate. 💛 I think it’s fantastic that you hold kindness is such high regard, and you should be proud of that.

But you need to make sure that kindness and compassion is turned towards yourself, first and foremost. Repeated boundary violators are not worth your time or energy. People use kind people as energy leeches, which causes more turmoil for you. You have to give yourself permission to only use your energy on the things and people that are giving back to you.

People who take advantage of others’ kindness are not good people. Men who aim to coerce or manipulate you are not good people. You can’t change them, but you can work to get rid of the guilt you carry when you are forced to possibly be unkind to someone who has hurt you. Do not let the fear of getting hurt stop you from reaching out and fostering connections. You don’t need to harden your heart or go against your values. All you need to do is make sure you are turning your kindness towards yourself first. And kindness towards yourself includes remaining firm in what you will and won’t tolerate, and removing whatever negatively influences you. You will always be grateful for the times you stood firm in your boundaries, and you will always be grateful for the times you stood up for yourself.

Don’t harden yourself, but become more knowledgeable about what you can and can’t tolerate. And truthfully? Start giving less and less chances to people who violate clearly stated boundaries. Ideally, you give one firm warning, clearly state what went wrong and how you expect to be treated going forward; and if further violations occur, you remove the negative force.

[hikari-ni-naritai]

multiples of 6 and every second letter for Hikari c:

oh fuck hikari time!!

6. Do they consider laws flexible, or immovable?

does hikari even know what a law is? probably. she definitely sees them as flexible though. she wasnt raised in a culture that had Law so much as it had What Mom Says.

12. How do they deal with an itch found in a place they can’t quite reach?

is there such an itch? i think hikari's flexible enough that she can reach every place. the real question is, does hikari experience itch? i dont know the answer to that one.

18. What embarrasses them?

can this woman be embarrassed?? oh no actually definitely she can. any insinuation to a stranger that she's anything less than a perfect hero would be deeply embarrassing. she cant let that act drop for even a second. though she's feeling a little less trapped these days, now that she's working to find a light within herself.

24. Is sex something that they’re comfortable speaking about? To whom?

absolutely not! she does know what sex is but she'll play dumb until you stop asking her. it makes her deeply uncomfortable.

30. Who do they most regret meeting?

ASAHI SAS BRUTUS THAT RAT FUCKING BASTARD

36. Do they actively seek romance, or do they wait for it to fall into their lap?

she's completely aromantic so neither!

42. How badly do they want to reach their end goal?

its the only thing on her mind. she would give everything for it. she doesn't have anything else.

B. What inspired you to create them?

in the ff14 character creator like 'whats the cutest girl i can possibly make?' and hikari came out. then her lore sort of evolved over time based on how i played the game.

D. Have they always had the same physical appearance, or have you had to edit how they look?

she's changed her hairstyle a few times, and her fashion sense has gotten less femme, but the only real physical change is she gained a big scar across her face after the events of Endwalker. you wouldn't be able to tell though, since her hair covers it so well.

F. What do you feel when you think of your OC (pride, excitement, frustration, etc)?

mmmm pity? like 'oh honey... dont do this to yourself....' but at the same time i want her to succeed and heal and get better and see in herself all the reasons i love her.

H. What trait do you admire most?

i think her determination? she's far more dedicated to self-improvement than i am. even if its like really unhealthy for her to be like that. i would like to be better about it. that, and her ability to remember names.

J. Did you have to manipulate or exclude canon factors to allow them to create their character?

mmm she is MOSTLY canon compliant? there's some implications in the beginning of ARR that she was one of the original warriors of light from 1.0, but i threw that out. and i think a lot of stormblood was Heavily Edited bc like, she's been to yanxia and the steppe before, both as a normal miqote and as a garlean conscript, but its not like she'd admit to any of these things so its mostly that the story Glossed Over her inner monologue of 'oh fuck i hope nobody recognizes me'

[chaoxfix]

thinkin bout basic character devolvement and personality struggles. found 3 distinct ideas im thinkin about…. this isn’t meant to be armchair psychology, just negative personality traits for characters, and possible arcs. this is intentionally simplistic and avoiding actual psychological disorders — i write kids’ media, and im more focused on writing things simply so please dont worry if this is too cut and dry. this is just a simple reference guide for myself while i try to implement a little of this into what i write (fic and original alike)

the traits i wanna write about today all have to do with a struggle for characters to accept others’ positive feelings, and how it influences their behavior and relationships. the traits are: insecurity, self-loathing, and being overly guarded. i write these as distinct and character specific, and details of each make it hard to have all three. because the outcome/coping strategies for each type kind of contradicts the others’.

insecurity as a character trait is the most distinct from both self-loathing and being guarded — being insecure - my definition here is, not being certain in your place in others lives, not accepting that they love you unconditionally, so you focus on those conditions and try to make sure you never fail a condition. that tends to lead to overcompensating to prove your worth, rather than being steady in the knowledge others will care even when you fail. that’s why a lot of insecure characters are more likely to get taken advantage of — because they want to prove themselves so badly, people without their best interests at heart will let them. for people around the insecure character, people who actually do love them, it can be really frustrating when they just don’t understand that they don’t need to prove themselves anymore. it’s difficult to fix insecurity with anything other than steady affirmations and positive reinforcement even (or maybe especially) when they fail. it can be a forever battle, because the mind is overactive and might find new flaws in themselves. they often lead to characters with a multitude of skills when they’re older, because they want to be good enough at everything. again — overcompensating. they’re unlikely to become self-loathing characters, unless their attempts at constantly proving themselves start to fail, in which case it could happen.

self-loathing is the least healthy on this list. for self-loathing, it’s very different from insecurity. my definition here is that self loathing isn’t conditional, like insecurity is. it’s the idea that some part of you is just unlovable, and that is your lot in life. and if insecurity leads to proving yourself because you could possible fix all the problems you have and make yourself lovable — then self-loathing leads to apathy. if a character truly hate themself, why shouldn’t everyone else? why waste effort fixing themselves? why make themselves lovable if all they’ll do is disappoint others? for people who love the characters with self-loathing, it can be frustrating to watch them self-sabotage. it’s difficult to fix depending on how deeply entrenched their beliefs are. but it can be overcome with enough care, and pointing out things that are worthy of loving about them. in some ways, once a character is self-loathing, if someone reaches out and actually helps them up from this low, they can get better easier than characters with either insecurity or overly guardedness. this is because they have hit a low and come out the other side. after they now feel secure and affirmed and loved, after their feelings are safe with another person, they will have not only acknowledged their own feelings and needs, but have granted others access to their heart and will be likely to continue doing so in the future.

overly guarded/reserved/‘stoic’ people could be the healthiest unhealthy state on this list, but they can still have some pretty poor outcomes if they’re not careful. guarded people wont expect others to care about their feelings; after all, they’re specifically trying to mask any feeling they don’t like. others can be frustrated with this, because after a difficult life circumstance or traumatic event, it can feel like the guarded person is either miraculously fine and rubbing it in everyone’s face that they’re fine even when no one else is…, or more likely, to others it feels like they’re lying and blowing off their friends’ care. it’s not that guarded people don’t love their friends; it’s that they don’t trust anyone with their feelings. after all, they barely trust themselves with their feelings, why should anyone else get to see them? guarded people can easily become self-loathing if they devolve and repress too much, or if they do try to open up in a crisis…but are rebuffed and internalize it as being unworthy of care. that is part of what they’re afraid of, though they won’t admit it. they’ll do anything to prove they’re fine without help, because they’re scared of ever needing it and not receiving it. guarded characters are less likely to be insecure, because that would mean believing others could love them if only they were better — when guarded characters are really more concerned with being good enough to not need or risk others’ care. these characters try to convince themselves their own feelings are simply not a priority, even if they help others. behavior-wise, they may overcompensate at times, but it’s not to prove their worth — it’s to reinforce that they don’t need other people the way other people need other people.

writing shortcuts for each type:

-insecure characters desperately want approval and will do anything and everything to get it. anxious energy, and tend to overburden or overextend themselves with projects / new skills they’re trying to learn. prone to crying from frustration. places too high of expectations on themselves.

-self-loathing characters desperately need approval but will not do anything to achieve it. they get stuck in a rut more than other. won’t volunteer for most things, and intentionally separates from groups. may say alarming things without realizing or caring how it sounds. self sabotaging.

-guarded characters can’t convince themselves that they need or want approval. will talk about anything but feelings. great at dodging questions. may try new things without fear. commitment issues. might occasionally slip up and allude to feelings — in those cases, it’s up to the other person to prod and show care, but this usually ends in frustration for both parties. evasive, no one knows much about these characters’ pasts, motives, goals, etc. always tries to be a better friend to others than others are to them. likes company and good at listening but might not talk much.

… given what i write i’m sure you know how i’ll be using these guides ^^;;; but i figured id post here as it’s a fun little guide on how i see these traits