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mania-sama · 2 months

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A Look into Mental Health: Jujutsu Kaisen Analysis

"Being a child is not a sin." (Nanami Kento, Jujutsu Kaisen)

With the release of Chapter 251, I've seen many horrible takes from dudebros saying that Megumi has "sold" the team. This makes me unreasonably angry because of course it does, so obviously my next plan of action is to take all of my hour-long rants about the mental health of JJK characters and put it here, where said dudebros will never see my (correct) analysis in their entire life. Oh well.

One thing Gege is really, really good at is creating believable, undeniably human, and complex characters. Every character has a different set of motivations, beliefs, ideals, and especially mental states. The constant theme of Jujutsu Kiasen has been "Strength vs Weakness". While the clearest interpretation can be seen through the physical attributes of the characters (Gojo being the strongest sorcerer of his time due to his abilities, and Miwa being one of the weakest, again, due to her abilities), it is also directly applied to the mental strength of characters. No two characters are able to withstand the same trauma and come out the exact same, just as no two real people can process the same trauma. Not only is it a result of nature, as people are genetically different and therefore process information differently, but a product of nurture - in other words, character motivation and environment.

This is where we come to the current state of the manga, Chapter 251. The fated Yuuji vs Megumi debate. I keep seeing people wildly misunderstanding these two, and why it's so important that Megumi isn't standing up to fight, why he isn't able to handle his trauma, when Yuuji can.

Gege writes phenomenal characters. And I want to express just how well done they are, making Jujutsu Kaisen actually kind of deserve its popularity, because some people only care about power scaling. I'm going to touch on Megumi last, because understanding all of the other characters' makes his visible struggle that much more impactful.

1. Geto Suguru

I want to start this mental health analysis with Geto. He is the best representation of depression I've ever seen in Shonen. It doesn't take a hundred chapters to showcase a character's downfall. It doesn't take a hundred significant events to cause a character to break down. Gege shows the best, realistic mental breakdown using only a handful of chapters, and still makes it slow and painful.

Depression can start because of a big event, but it doesn't take more for it to worsen. Untreated, depression runs a vicious course that eats a person through slowly but effectively. It isn't one screaming session, hands clutched over the head and cursing God and the world. It's everything piled onto each other. It's coming to the end of that pile and realizing that nothing will ever change.

This is Geto Suguru's story. He has a big event: the fight with Toji and the failure to save Riko. But his mental health journey was fated to decline, even without the fight and failure. The root issue of his depression came from his ability: Cursed Spirit Manipulation. As long as he kept devouring the embodiment of every vile, human emotion, the more he would lose himself to that vileness. He wasn't changing anything; he couldn't help but continue to swim in negativity because that's all he could do.

Gege wasn't making a commentary on Geto's ability. He was talking about people, as they are, and how staying in a bad situation will not always make you stronger. It can, and most likely will, make you worse. A direct comparison to the sixteen-year-old Geto would be a sixteen-year-old at school, surrounded by people who bully and pick on them with harsh words. The kid will eventually consume all of that bullying, all of that negativity, into their being, because there is simply nowhere else to go. School is mandatory; they can't just leave. They eventually feel isolated, with all that vileness piled on. Even if they have friends, those people could never understand what it's like to put up with humiliation and cruelty day after day.

It's not rational to push away a support system, but who said human beings are always rational? People make mistakes. They don't make the right decisions. Geto didn't. He saw someone offer him a chance at change, a possible light at the top of his pile and twisted it to match his overwhelming negativity. He left and swore to destroy the world that made him the way he is, just as that bullied child may turn away from school and society in whatever form that may take.

I want to touch on the physical aspects of Geto's depression, too. I noted this in a previous analysis I did on him (his character is just that amazing, what can I say?), but Gege knew that the mind can't be affected alone. Geto was drawn with deep eyebags, a nod to an inability to sleep or needing to sleep all the time. Depression makes you tired all the time. Everything becomes difficult. He sits with his back hunched, resting his weight on his knees, like sitting upright is too hard. When someone speaks to him, he blinks and takes a second too long to look over or respond, like speaking takes too much energy. To me, it even looked like he was becoming thinner. It's extremely difficult to maintain a schedule of exercise and mealtimes when your mind is fighting an active war against itself.

Again, a beautiful representation of depression. Geto means a lot to me in this aspect.

2. Gojo Satoru

In comparison to Geto, Gojo's horrible mental health is a lot subtler. Depression isn't the correct term, but you don't have to be depressed to be sad. Sadness is his stagnant state; he has moments of bliss, goals to work towards, a reason to keep going, to continue living, to continue chasing the sun over the horizon, but he does return to the same place he is always at when the lights turn off and he's painfully reminded of this one fact: he is isolated.

All of Gojo's problems start and end with isolation. From the moment he was born, everyone knew he was different. He knew he was different. Through glimpses of his childhood and honestly reading between the lines, it's obvious he never played with kids his age. People don't just develop a superiority complex with their only drive to be better than literally everyone else for no other reason than to get better. It comes from somewhere, and in Gojo's case, it's from his young childhood. It seriously messed him up; even now, he can't shake the lesson that "Strength is the only way to success and happiness".

This is what made Geto so important. Geto was somebody who could share the burden of being the strongest. Geto was someone his age who understood him in a way Shoko could not, though they both were able to see Gojo beyond his capabilities as a Jujutsu sorcerer. Gojo then had somebody to base his moral principles on. Because he couldn't connect with anybody else, he had no basis other than strength. Geto taught him why it was important for the strong to protect the weak.

Then everything went wrong. Gojo became isolated again in his strength and lost the only person who could plausibly stand with him. "Are you the strongest because you're Gojo Satoru, or are you Gojo Satoru because you're the strongest?" Gojo was young, then, and fresh-faced into his newfound godhood. He didn't kill Geto in that moment because he wanted to deny the claim that he is nothing without his strength, that he isn't as shallow as he was raised to be.

But he knew better. He grew older, he killed his best friend, and he realized that he was nothing without his strength. He never got over Geto. In order to cope with the guilt of being unable to save him when he left, he adopted a whole kid, thinking that if he wasn't strong enough to save Geto, maybe he could save Megumi. But there it is all over again - he never broke from the cycle of strength defining his worth. Saving Megumi would define his strength, right? It would prove Geto wrong, right? He raised Megumi under the same logic (that the only way to save his sister is to be strong), only ridding the boy of the crushing isolation.

In this way, Gojo isn't mentally weak. He didn't abandon society and everyone who loved him, instead choosing to hone the trauma of his isolated childhood into a weapon and teach the next generation to be better than himself. He isn't depressed, but he isn't happy. You can't be happy if you're alone all of the time. He hoped Megumi could be someone to stand by him, but in the end, he failed to save Megumi. His strength couldn't save him, just as it couldn't save Geto.

He isn't mentally strong. He isn't weak, either. He is horribly, painfully average. He's not weak enough to be saved, but not strong enough to save others. His childhood plagues him, but not to the point where it prevents him from living. He killed Geto but was unable to bury the body. Gojo is everything he never wanted to be.

As it turns out, strength can't buy you happiness. Gojo may have understood that, but he couldn't abandon it, even to the bitter end. Just as a human struggles to shed their conditioning. Not everyone can break the cycle, but we are always trying our best to work with what we've been dealt.

3. Okkotsu Yuuta

I'm putting Yuuta in between Gojo & Geto and Itadori & Megumi because he is, in a way, a bridge between the two. Geto and Gojo have lived their lives; their stories are complete and ended in tragedy. Itadori and Megumi's are not. They are still actively struggling and fighting their physical and mental battles; their stories have yet to be completed.

Yuuta's story isn't technically completed (ignoring everything that happened in the recent chapter with him for the sake of MY mental health), he is still a success story. He is the average protagonist who started from the bottom and ended up at the top. Only he, as Gege has done time and time again, has a slightly stronger focus on mental health than most other Shonen. He is success where Gojo & Geto failed, and the success that Itadori & Megumi are narratively striving for.

At the beginning, Yuuta was depressed and suicidal. He was bullied at school and involuntarily hurting others. Instead of becoming resentful of the world, he pushed all of the vileness inward. His guilt caused him to try to take his life, presumably multiple times, but Rika stopped him before he could succeed. His life was effectively out of his hands; he felt powerless with all of the bodies stacking around him, and he couldn't atone for "his" actions.

His mental health, as it was, was in shambles. Gojo then offered him a way forward. Yuuta's mental health did not improve overnight. It was when he made friends at Jujutsu High, and developed a support system, that he was able to relieve his anxiety and realize that life is not so bad after all. That all of this pain and suffering and loss - it will pass.

The most important thing to acknowledge when it comes to Yuuta is the sheer fact that he was not alone, nor did he allow himself to be alone. Unlike Gojo, who still had Shoko and Nanami after Geto left but refused to connect with them, Yuuta allowed himself to get close to those around him. They didn't know the suffering he'd undergone for so many years. They didn't know what it was like to be him, but that was okay. He knew that they had empathy, that even though they could never experience his life, they could still be there for him now when he falls.

When given the opportunity to surrender, Yuuta stands in the face of one Geto Suguru and swears to protect his friends and fight with Rika. He's so far removed from the boy who tried to kill himself at the beginning of the manga, and that's because he let himself be changed. He did not succumb. He had friends, he knew. People that would miss him if he left, and people whom he would regret leaving.

This stays consistent with his character. He doesn't let himself become isolated in his strength or his experiences. He's much stronger than everyone else in the room, he's a special grade and he knows that, but he still treats everyone like they are equals. Like they are his friends, like they are people who could share this burden of existence with him. This is something that Gojo couldn't accomplish, which lends to the fact that Gojo had a very off-hand teaching method when it came to mentoring Yuuta. Instead of influencing him under this idea of strength conquers all, he let Yuuta develop far away from the ideals of the Japanese Jujutsu Society.

And, in the end, the fact of him being physically strong - a special-grade sorcerer from the get-go - never helped him in his mental health. In fact, it made him miserable until he learned to get a handle on Rika. His winning or losing that fight with Geto wasn't the point of his character, it was reckoning with the fact that he is okay now. That he can embrace the ugly part of him with dignity instead of guilt.

4. Itadori Yuuji

Itadori's entire character is that he has an unbreakable spirit. As the only one who can bear the soul of Sukuna, he started off like Yuuta, only on the opposite end of the mental health spectrum. When we first see him, he's happy, spending his afternoons with the Occult Club and watching movies.

... What happened?

Like Geto, everything piled on very slowly. So slow that I'm not even sure he felt the true effects of everything he experienced up until the fall of Shibuya. It starts with the death of grandfather, whose parting words "Just save as many people as you can" haunt him even now during the final fight with Sukuna. He was never given time to properly grieve his grandfather, just as he never had time to grieve the brother curses, Junpei, Nanami, Nobara, Gojo, Higurama. At the end of it all, when the fighting is over, I have to wonder what will become of the boy that realizes he's lost most of the people he loved.

The one time he did try to process it, when he realized that he couldn't control Sukuna, was when he broke down in Shibuya. Sukuna leveled an entire city. For the boy who never wanted to kill another human being for fear of devaluing life, the weight of his weakness killing thousands was crushing. Then Nanami died. Nobara died (still hanging onto that unknown status but I digress). Both are right in front of him, and powerless to prevent Mahito from disintegrating their bodies. So, obviously, Itadori broke down. The boy with the unshakeable spirit, the only person who could contain the King of Curses, has his psyche completely shattered.

He laid on the ground, and he wouldn't have gotten back up if there wasn't somebody to help him, to be there with him. Todo pulled him back together, stitched back up the broken into somebody who has allies and people to fight for. Itadori has the success that Yuuta had, only Itadori did not come out of it with better mental health.

After the breakdown, his unshakeable spirit was nothing more than the will to keep fighting. He cares little for himself, and he tries to distance himself from people to prevent them from dying from his cursed hands. He is jumping, quickly, down the same rabbit hole that Geto fell down. One big event, and they realize just how tall the pile already is, and that it will never stop growing. Unlike Geto, however, he continues to get overbearing support from those around him. Against his will. He can't push them away, for they refuse to leave his side. Yuuta, Choso, Megumi, even Higurama. They won't let him fall. This makes him better off than someone alone, in a sense. He can withstand his trauma when others may not.

Even so, even so, there is only so much support, the lack of self-isolation, can do when the traumas keep actively repeating. When he says that he will gladly die to defeat Sukuna, it is not said with the same tone that another Shonen protagonist would say it. Take Naruto for example. If he were to go into a battle to protect, say, Sasuke, he would scream, "I'll die to protect him." We understand that his willpower is stronger than his self-preservation, but we don't get the idea that he actively wants to die. He'll die if he has to. Now, Itadori says the same thing, but about saving Megumi. He says, "I'll gladly die." There is something different. His willpower is leaps and bounds stronger than his self-preservation, but that's not only it. There is an undercurrent of severe suicidal ideation prevalent in Itadori's tone. It's not that he will die to win, it's that a part of him wants for this to be his final fight. For it all to be over. To save Megumi, then atone for the sin of being too weak to save Shibuya, or being unable to stop the Culling Games, or letting Megumi get hurt when all he wanted was to keep him safe.

I'd call it more along the lines of passive suicidal ideation. He doesn't plan to kill himself, but what would it mean for him to go into dangerous situations without protection? What would it mean for him to succumb to his wounds after he wakes Megumi's soul and kills Sukuna? To not even try to seek medical attention? He's guilty. He believes everything that happened in Shibuya and after is his fault. When faced with the executioner's sword, he was ready to die for his sins, if not for the goal of ending the Games. There is a fine line between willing to die for those you love versus wanting to die for those you love.

Right now, Itadori is fighting to save one person, like his grandfather said. He is not fighting to survive. And that's what people fail to understand about Itadori when they compare him to the other members of the cast. These power-scaling dudebros don't understand that their favorite OP main character has fallen apart at the seams, that his unshakeable spirit to save people doesn't include himself.

5. Fushiguro Megumi

Here we finally come to the question: Why can Itadori take it when Megumi can't? There is a very similar quote that you probably think of whenever you hear this question asked. It's from The Outsiders: "Dally is tougher than I am. Why can I take it when Dally can't?" The answer to this question that Ponyboy gives is the same we can attribute to Megumi. "And then I knew. Johnny was the only thing Dally loved. And now Johnny was gone."

The entire reason Megumi became a Jujutsu sorcerer was to protect his sister. When he was five years old and probably too young to understand most of the words Gojo said, he accepted the offer of training to become a sorcerer in exchange for Tsumiki's happiness. Every day, he fought to protect her. He only had one goal in entering the Culling Games: to prevent Tsumiki from having to participate.

It's easy to attribute Megumi's constant attempts at summoning Mahoraga to a lack of will to live - suicidal ideation, the same that Itadori now experiences. On one hand, I do understand that he has a fundamental lack of care for his own life, but on the other, I don't think that he intends to throw it all away every single time. He just didn't know any better. Ignorance can lead to death as easily as intentionally seeking it out. That's why he changes his habit after Gojo gives him a lesson in risking death versus dying to win; Megumi still has someone to live for, after all.

Megumi's mental health was already rocky from the start. Not that it was in shambles like Yuuta, but he wasn't fully stable. Like a lot of teenagers, he's moody, somewhat reclusive, and only really likes one or two people maximum. Teenagers aren't known for their sunshine mental health anyway.

Megumi was given time to grieve Itadori after he first died. This trauma of losing him in front of his eyes stuck with him, but he was allowed a grace period of two months to grieve with Nobara. He experienced Shibuya, too, but he still had that one important person to protect. His mental health was alright at this point, all things considered. As long as his sister was alive, he would be fine.

Sukuna knew this. So Sukuna killed Tsumiki using only the Ten Shadows Teqchnique. The one person Megumi spent his whole life dedicated to, was killed by his own cursed technique, his own failure to suppress Sukuna.

In the void of his soul, Megumi was alone. Truly, utterly alone. The only person nearby was Sukuna, the murderer of his sister, the murderer of thousands upon thousands of people. He drowned in the ceremonial bath of crushed curses to hold his soul down in the depths of despair, literally drenched in all of the vileness the world has to offer. Sukuna killed Gojo using Mahoraga's adaption ability, and before that, Megumi was forced to take several of Gojo's mind-altering domain expansions.

Already, he had given up. He gave up when his sister died, but the rest ground a pointed spur into his neck. When Itadori shakes his soul, Megumi is repeating, "That's enough." He was at the end of his rope a long time ago. What more is there to keep living for? He doesn't want to live with the blood of his sister, the blood of the man who practically raised him, and the blood of countless others drenching his hands.

Sukuna killed all of these people, not Megumi. But then, Sukuna killed of those people in Shibuya, not Itadori. Why can Itadori take it? Why can he keep fighting when Megumi lays broken on the ground? Itadori wasn't alone. And Megumi has never been known for his unshakeable spirit. That is the one thing that Itadori can hold over everybody else, the one trait that everyone admires. He was born to shoulder the burden of the world. Megumi wasn't. Megumi wants to die. He is not passively suicidal, for he has no goals left to complete, a plan to die within the body no longer inhabited alone. He is suicidal. He would drive a stake through his heart if it meant relieving his pain. He doesn't want to do it anymore. He's had enough.

And Itadori was in this position once, too? Perhaps not as directly, but he was there. Here is the moment that the protagonist gives the motivating speech to will someone to keep fighting, that life is worth living. I realized today that this is not something Itadori has done yet. He hasn't had a grand speech that's not been about his own willpower. He's never encouraged someone else to keep living in the way that you would expect from the main character. This is his moment, I suppose. He needs to be the person for Megumi that Todo was for him. He has to show Megumi that he isn't alone.

He needs to save Megumi when, all those years ago, Gojo couldn't save Geto.

I don't think some of this fanbase understands how horrible Gege has to be at writing if he just. Let Megumi get up to fight in Chapter 251. All this time, he has shown how Megumi has been defeated. He showed him crumbled on the ground, unmoving. It shouldn't be a surprise that all of the measures Sukuna took to ensnare Megumi's soul worked. Megumi is suicidal after the people he loves have all died because of his technique. God forbid a sixteen-year-old is unable to cope with his trauma alone.

Honorable Mentions:

There are a lot more characters in this story that represent/show mental illness that I didn't go into depth on but are worth mentioning. It was easier to only talk about the major characters since we spend so much time with them and I can fully flesh out everything that should/can be said about them. Anyway, here are a few more that are notably well-written in their mental struggles:

Yoshino Junpei. His story arc follows very similarly to Geto, except he is the bullied student I was making a reference to. Depressed, alone with a mother whose habits he can't stand, he turned to someone he thought could provide him a better life. Interestingly, he is a good representation of the type of children that tend to be groomed. That's surely what happened to him. Mahito used him, then discarded him for his own gains.

Ieiri Shoko. Her main struggle can be seen through her smoking habits. She's been through a lot, lost so many people, and has to keep healing sorcerers only for them to die. Eventually, she was able to come to terms with this. She kicked her smoking habit at the same time she kicked the vicious mental cycle of caring too much about the patient on her table. It's no wonder she picked up a cigarette, for the first time in a while, when Geto led the phantom parade.

Zenin Maki. She works as a very good contrast to Megumi. They both lost their sisters, the people they loved the most, but she turned all of her grief to killing the Zenin clan and gaining Heavenly Restriction. But this, this is because she could do so. There is simply nothing Megumi can do as a soul trapped in his own body. Her grief made her stronger, while for most, it made them weaker.

Inumaki Toge. He isn't seen a lot, but his story is ultimately quite compelling. A boy who hurt many when he was young. He turned his guilt into kindness, a will to protect. He tends a garden to raise plants healthily, for God's sake. He's one of the examples that shows Yuuta that your past actions don't define you, but instead, what you choose to do going forward.

I am not proofreading any of this before I post it. Sorry if it is borderline unreadable with spelling / grammatical errors.

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bubbleebubz · 5 months

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Save me Professor- part 1

Word count: 2,006.

Pt.2

15+++

~warnings- eventual smutt! pantie stealing (consentual), pet names (is that a warning?), suggestive content, w3t dreams, mental health issues, bad dreams (fire and death)

Y/N had just been kicked out of her mother's house after her mom has a schizophrenic break and moves to Flordia leaving her to fend for herself. Her professor can't bare seeing Y/N in such a state, and offers her to stay in his guest bedroom, can they be roomates without his dark desires taking control?

"P-please don't stop sir" his hands hot on her body. His large hands getting closer and closer to where she needs them most.

"What do you want, baby? Tell me" His breath hot on her neck.

"Please professor Reid" she moans out in need.

"Y/N... Y/N... Y/N wake up"

What?

My eyes snap open, being awoken back into the cruel reality of my life.

I sit up at my desk and look around.

The class is empty.

I look up, "oh my God, I'm so sorry professor Reid, I must have fallen asleep." I say hastily gathering all my things causing my pencil case to fall off my desk.

I lean over to pick it up, as does he. "Y/N, it's ok, but are you alright?" He asks, crouching down next to me.

I look into his eyes anxiously. Nodding. "Why would you think otherwise Sir?" I ask shyly, trying to avoid his intimidating eye contact.

"Look at me sweetheart" He says, making my thighs clench and insides throb.

I follow his orders and look into his eyes.

My mouth going dry.

"What's the matter?" He asks. "Your the best in this class and never lose focus like this, let alone fall asleep." He explains his worry.

"I. I uhm, my mom kicked me out last night. She has schizophrenia and she now decided to move to Flordia. So I have no where to stay. So I was up all night, studying to keep my mind off of things." I say, my eyes beginning to water.

I blink them away and look over to the window, not being able to look him in the eyes.

"Oh sweet girl" He says, and hugs me.

I hug him back as tight as I can. The comforting feeling unusual to me.

"I'm sorry, I know this isn't your problem and there are other students who have much bigger more important issues, i really didn't mean to fall asleep." I say into his chest.

"Don't apologise Y/N" He says sternly.

"You didn't do anything wrong, did you know that the average female needs atleast 7 hours of sleep, and if they don't get that, their stress and anxiety levels increase and the lack of sleep reduces your physical and cognitive performance." He says pulling away. I smile at his rambling and nod while wiping my tears away.

"Where are you staying now?" He asks, standing up and looking down at me.

I look up at him anxiously to respond.

"I don't know." I whisper out, looking away, feeling the tears starting again.

"How would you like to stay with me? Until you figure things out ofcourse." He asks cautiously.

I look up at him shocked.

"Are you sure?" I ask.

He nods.

"Ofcourse, you are my favorite student after all." He chuckles out.

He Whips the falling tears as they spill down my cheek as I look up at him. I lean into his touch.

"Is that alright, love?" He asks, I nod.

"Use your words" He says.

"Yes sir, I'd love to." I say shyly.

"Excellent, let's get going now shall we? Do you have your things or?" He asks, as he walks to his desk, gathering his belongings.

"I was only able to grab my school uniform, school books, laptop, chargers and bathroom stuff, that's all I could fit in my backpack." I say.

He nods.

He signals me to follow him, I get up and walk behind him to his black sports car.

I get into the front seat and place my bag infront of me on the floor.

"Seat belt" He says, starting the car.

I put the seat belt on and shiver from the cool fall air.

"Good girl" I blush hard.

I lean my head against the cold window, watching the passing trees go by. My eyes begin to get heavy as I doze off.

I'm awoken this time ruthlessly.

"Y/N are you ok?" He groans, shaking me awake. There was fire everywhere.

"What happened?" I ask, beginning to hyperventilate.

I look back at him but his eyes are shut, his face bloody and chard.

I scream and scream and scream.

"Y/N wake up, it's ok wake up, we are here" he says lightly shaking me awake once again.

I wake up sobbing and lean to cling to him in a tight hug.

"Shh s'okay, I'm here, it's ok" He says holding the back of my head and rubbing my back.

"What was the nightmare about baby?" He asks soothingly.

"We got into a car accident, and you died." I whimper out, my voice hoarse from all the crying.

"Oh honey, it's ok, I'm alright see. I'm alive." He says placing my hand over his heart. I calm down and look around seeing we are at a nice sized house, with vines down the front and sides of it, it looked like a cottage from a fairytale. My eyes light up at the sight.

"Woah" I say amazed.

He chuckles.

"Follow me" He says, taking my bag for me.

"Thanks" I say shyly, realizing this is my professor and not some high-school crush.

He was just being nice and caring. That's all.

I follow him into his house and smile at the decor, it matched him perfectly, the furniture old and dark, and the scent of his house was exquisite, like a pumpkin vanilla.

"You can stay in the guest bedroom over here" he says, guiding me down the hall way. "My room is next door here" he says pointing to another door. "And the bathroom is over here" he says.

I nod a thank you.

"I'll let you get settled, I'll be in the kitchen if you need me" He says giving me a caring smile putting his hand on my lower back while leaving down the hall.

I enter the room, observing my surroundings, there was a double bed with an beatiful oak bed frame, on the left side of the room in the middle of the wall, and a window straight ahead, to the right there was a desk, and to the left of the desk was an old white chair.

It was very basic, not in a bad way.

I unpack my bag, putting my limited clothes (being only my school uniforms) in the dresser. And placing the singular Grumpy Care Bear on my bed for comfort.

I exit my new bedroom and go to the kitchen.

"Hey Professor" I say shyly. Sitting down on one of the chairs set at the island.

"Please call me Spencer" He chuckles out.

I blush lightly, enough for him to notice and smirk.

"Ok Spenerrr" I say goofily out of anxiety.

Causing him to smile again.

"Whatcha doing?" I ask boredly.

"Cooking dinner, I hope you like chicken vermicelli noodles" He says with a chuckle.

"I have no clue what that is but it smells good so I probably will!" I say giggling.

"Why are you still in your school clothes its-" He pauses checking his watch "8 PM on a Friday" He asks.

"I didn't manage to fit any of my actual clothes in my bag, so I just have my school uniforms." I say with a sad chuckle. "But it's ok, they aren't that unc-" "nuh uh, I'll be right back" He says cutting me off before leaving the kitchen and stove unattended. "Uh Spence you kinda forgot about the fooood" I call out and walk around the island to the stove, stirring the food in the frying pan. Still having no idea what I'm doing, causing me to burn myself slightly.

"Ow" I say blankly, running my finger under cool water.

I look over to see him leaning against the wall chuckling while holding a t-shirt and sweatpants.

"It's not funny, I don't know how to cook" I whine out in a giggle.

He shakes his head in a laugh.

"Here, wear these" He says handing me his clothes. I reluctantly take them. "Thank you very much sir, you have no idea how much I appreciate you doing all this for me" I say sadly. "Don't mention it, your not that unbearable" He says, causing me to roll my eyes and playfully punch his shoulder.

His eyes widen, "oh yeah?" He says jokingly and picks me up as if I weigh nothing (I most definitely don't weigh nothing) and carries me over his shoulder.

"HEY SPENCER PUT ME DOWN" I giggle out and hit his back, causing him to slap my ass making me yelp "ah ah ah" He says placing me down in the bathroom. "Change your clothes then give them to me so I can wash them" He says smiling before shutting the door.

I sigh out with a smile before undressing, taking everything off.

My smile drops when I realize I have to go commando in my professors sweatpants and braless in his t-shirt.

I put the clothing on, it fitting loosely.

I fold my dirty clothes, making sure my bra and panties were hidden to the best of my abilities.

I exit the bathroom and begin to go to the kitchen, but he isn't there, the food is plated and set on the island but he is missing, "Spence?" I call out.

"BOO" He says, grabbing my waist causing me to scream and drop my clothes. "GODDAMIT" I say absolutely terrified making him laugh even harder. " s'not funny" i whine out.

Both of us bending over to pick up my clothes, I freeze when I see him picking up my panties.

"Hmm, lacey blue, so innocent yet so naughty Y/N" I blush really hard, I go to grab my underwear from his hand but he snatches them away, putting them into his pocket and picks up the rest of my clothes.

I stand in the middle of the kitchen, my jaw on the floor. "Spe-" "ah. I'm confiscating those. For reasons I don't need to say!" He says. "But those are my only-" "we can buy you new ones, any ones you'd like." He says, before walking into the laundry room to place my dirty clothes into the washing machine.

"Common, let's eat." He says, walking over to the island and pulling out a chair for me, before sitting next to me.

I take a bite out of the food and moan out in happiness.

"Do you like it?" He asks with a chuckle.

"Mhmm" I say, taking another bite.

I look over awkwardly.

"I-i like food.." I say shyly.

"I can see that, it's cute" He says, making me blush.

After dinner I help clean up.

"I'll do the dishes, you put the leftovers away?" I say. And he nods.

I wash the dishes by hand, but after washing only 2 cups I get ancy and put some music on the TV, Reflections by The Neighborhood starts playing and I start to sing along while doing the dishes.

Swaying my hips to the music.

I hear footsteps behind me and freeze the music pausing too.

"Y'know. You look really good in my clothes sweetheart." He whispers in my ear, causing me to shudder. His hands around my waist.

"Wanna know what you'd look even better in?" He asks seductively.

"W-what?" I whisper out, not daring to turn around.

"In bed! Because it's bedtime!" He says picking me up again.

"But the dishes! There is only one left!" I whine out, kicking my feet, as he holds me bridal style.

"I can do it, sweets" He says sweetly causing me to smile at the pet name.

God he was going to be the death of me.

NO HE IS YOUR PROFESSOR, but he doesn't seem to mind.

He places me in my bed.

Grabbing my care bear and chuckling.

"What.." I say embarrassed.

"Nothing, just pictured you as a hello kitty girl" He chuckles.

"I love hello kitty too, but I had to chose, and Grumpy was the softest one so.." I say realizing I'm rambling.

He hands me the bear and nods.

"Goodnight Y/N" He says, putting the blankets over me and kissing my forehead. I blush.

"Goodnight Spence" I say kissing his cheek.

I fall asleep easily.

#spencer reid fluff #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid x reader smut #dom!spencer #soft dom!spencer #spencer reid smut #spencer reid x plus size reader

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thebibliosphere · 1 year

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Last I heard your migranes were kinda in remission, so this is just in the awful event they ever come back, but have you ever tried sumatriptan? I was prescribed it a few weeks back, after I woke up with the worst migrane of my life (like I legit thought I had meningitis it was that bad). I've been using it as my go to since for migrane attacks, and it basically nukes my headaches in about an hour. I'm not sure if it can be taken continously though, until recently, my migranes were like a once a month thing, and I've only been given 6 tablets of which I've already used 3, but I hope that's some help to you

Also like, sorry for another migrane ask, but I wanted to ask if you've ever tried anything that sorta forces your eyebrows up? I find that raising my brows during a migrane, when I can, takes the edge off (my migranes p much always hit my forehead and top of my head the hardest), so im considering asking for botox from my gp, as I've heard that paralysing the forehead muscles can help, but idk if it's worth it.

——

I tried sumatriptan and it didn’t stop my migraines. I also suffered from speech problems when taking it, which can be a dangerous side effect that may indicate a stroke, (and I’m already a high stroke risk) so I was taken off it very quickly. I’m not allowed any other triptans because of it.

I also do eyebrow massage (there’s an acupressure point there) which sometimes helps depending on the cause of migraine, but I am not a good candidate for Botox injections due to my other health issues.

When I tell people I tried everything available to me, I mean it.

I’m glad you’re finding relief though! And I wish you well pursuing Botox. It’s really helpful for some people.

#chronic health tag

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copperbadge · 6 months

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lightwit

I love your mindfulness posts. I personally hate the concept of mindfulness with a passion because to me that's just normal being human and using your effing brain properly, but as an educator I have had to accept the fact that manymany people do not in fact have much self awareness and actually do benefit from this mumbojumbo. So, I am so glad I am not the only one struggling out here. 😜

I hope it's okay if I pop this into its own post because it actually gets at something I'm contending with. So, in order to get my research lined up and my thoughts in a row for therapy I turned all this research into a powerpoint called "Doing A Stupid Powerpoint For My Stupid Mental Health". And one of the slides in it is titled "Mindfulness: Petition To Rename It".

Mindfulness, as a term, is uselessly broad; it's such a bad way to identify a category of treatment/behavior that there appears to be an entire subgenre of scientific papers that work to create a framework of what Mindfulness actually is -- I read at least three papers, all published in the last ten years, that are like "What is Mindfulness in a useful sense?" and all of them had different answers. And because Mindfulness is now a buzzword, if you're researching it then you're likely to run into everything from scholarly articles to pop journalism to clickbait, to both harmless and genuinely dangerous peddlers of quack science. And sometimes the quack scientists are also publishing scholarly articles where they've just been p-hacking.

So I'm inclined to agree that mindfulness is mostly nonsense, but that's a problem with the term, not what falls underneath it. There are therapeutic modes that call themselves mindfulness that actually are rooted in real science. I think these should probably have a new name, like Therapeutic Awareness or something, but it'd just get co-opted back into the woo, I have a feeling.

So there's a lot of nonsense, but the goal of being present in the moment and self-aware isn't an idle one; there's an increasing body of knowledge suggesting that it's a foundational skill for emotional regulation and healthy coping. The scholarship goes way beyond "mindfulness arises from Buddhist practice" which if I have to read one more time I'm gonna throw stuff. Clinical testing is looking at things like physiological responses to mindfulness behaviors that have nothing to do with what's going on in your conscious mind. There's some woo surrounding "Coherent Breathing" and I don't trust the foremost proponent of it as far as I can throw him, but he didn't invent it, and testing shows that people trained in and practicing Coherent Breathing have better focus and can, to an extent, lower the level of stress hormone in their body. "Positive affect" (happy emotions) didn't rise, but "Negative affect" (sadness, anger, stress etc) was lowered.

A lot of what's being studied on a clinical level involves us as humans somehow activating shit in our nervous system that we have no conscious control over, the same way we develop muscle memory by doing a task repeatedly. That has measurable value for the issues I'm trying to solve, but it's not universally applicable, which is another reason so much of mindfulness comes across as junk science, because it tries to tell us that it's a cure-all when it isn't.

But there's reason to believe that if you can reroute your nervous system when you're starting to become upset, you can short-circuit maladaptive reactions and prevent it from causing a spiral or an over-reaction or similar, and some practices called mindfulness can train for that. And that's my goal, so I'm willing to rummage in the garbage for the gold.

#lightwit #sam has adhd #not yet fired from therapy

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phoenixyfriend · 9 months

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Raising the Minimum Wage and Its Effects

Ko-fi prompt from [name redacted]:

So, what does raising the minimum wage really do to the rest of the economy?

Hecking Complicated! I think I might need a doc of just. References for this one. But here are a few elements!

(Also, the Congressional Budget Office has an interactive model of how different changes to the minimum wage could affect various parts of the economy, like poverty rates and overall employment. Try it out!)

Reduction of Benefits

A common claim that is used to argue against the minimum wage is that it will result in companies cutting hours for their employees in order to recoup losses by having to provide benefits to fewer employees. This isn't 'the minimum wage is bad' so much as 'corporations are assholes,' but it is unfortunately still a thing that happens. (Harvard Business Review)

This is not a problem with the minimum wage itself, in my opinion, but these issues are emblematic of the weight that self-serving elements of capitalism carry. The low minimum wage is just one part of many that contribute to the current wealth disparity; if things like health insurance were universal, then bosses wouldn't be as able to cut them to employees in order to save money. Current regulations incentivize companies to hire more part-time workers than full-time, in order to avoid paying out benefits. Some cities have enacted Fair Workweek Laws in order to combat these approaches, though the impact is as of yet uncertain (Economic Policy Institute, 2018). Early reports, like the Year Two Worker Impact Report on Seattle’s Secure Scheduling Ordinance, do seem to indicate positive results, though:

In addition, the SSO led to increases in job satisfaction and workers’ overall well-being and financial security. In particular, the Secure Scheduling Ordinance had the following impacts for Seattle workers: - increased work schedule stability and predictability - increased job satisfaction and satisfaction with work schedules - increased overall happiness and sleep quality, and reduced material hardship. (direct quote from the Year Two Eval)

Unfortunately, these were approved at the earliest in 2015 (San Francisco's Formula Retail Employee Rights Ordinances, which went into effect in March 2016), which means that none of them were in play for longer than five years before COVID-19 ground the planet's economy to a near halt. I tried to find results for the San Francisco laws, but I couldn't find any studies for it; I did find an article from March 2023 that summarized which cities in California have brought in fair workweek laws, though, so maybe someone could use that as a jumping off point (What Retailers Should Know About California Scheduling Ordinances).

Companies prevented from cutting benefits by cutting hours would probably find another way to do the same thing, but let's be real: keeping the minimum wage low won't stop them from cutting every corner possible. EPI has some articles, like "The role of local government in protecting workers’ rights," that talk about how these measures can be, and have been, implemented to protect workers from cost-cutting employers.

Cutting the hours and benefits of part-time employees is a real, genuine concern to have about raising the minimum wage, and those need to be anticipated and combated in concert with raising the minimum wage. However, it is not a reason to keep the minimum wage depressed. It's just a consequence to be aware of and plan for.

Passing Costs On To Customers

A common argument against raising the minimum wage is that companies will raise costs in order to cover the raise in expenses, to a degree that nullifies the wage hike. This is, um. Uh.

Really easily debunked?

Like, really easily.

Over a ten-plus year period, research found that a 10 percent increase in the minimum wage resulted in just a 0.36 percent increase in prices passed on to the consumer at grocery stores. A similar Seattle-based study showed that supermarket food prices were not impacted by their minimum wage increase. - (Minimum Wage is Not Enough, Drexel U.)

I've talked about it before, but in some cases it's just a matter of how US-based labor is such a comparatively small portion of costs for medium-to-large businesses that raising wages doesn't raise corporate expenditures that much.

That said, some companies rely on drastically underpaying their employees, like Walmart. Walmart's revenue in 2020 was approximately $520 billion (Walmart Annual Report, page 29). Now, this report doesn't actually tell us what amount is spent on labor, but it does give us the "Operating, selling, general and administrative expenses, as a percentage of net sales." This is, to quote BDC, "[including] rent and utilities, marketing and advertising, sales and accounting, management and administrative salaries."

So, wages are just part of the (checks) 20.9% of revenue that is operating SG&A expenses. But maybe I'm being mean to Walmart! After all, the gross profit margin is only 24.1%, so only 3.2% is left for those poor shareholders!

Oh, oh, that means the profit is still over 16billion USD? And Walmart cites having 2.2 million associates in that same report? And that's about $7,500 per employee per year that's being withheld? And that's before we take costs up by like three cents per product?

Which, circling back: A study from Berkeley by the name of "The Pass-Through of Minimum Wages into US Retail Prices: Evidence from Supermarket Scanner Data" found that

a 10% minimum wage hike translates into a 0.36% increase in the prices of grocery products. This magnitude is consistent with a full pass-through of cost increases into consumer prices.

Of course, Walmart does sell more than just groceries, but isn't it interesting that raising a minimum wage resulted in such a small cost increase? If we assume this is linear (it's probably not, but I have so many numbers going on already), then doubling wages from 7.25 to 14.50 would still mean only a 3.6% increase costs! Your $5 gallon of milk would go up to [checks] $5.18.

Hm. Those 18 cents might be meaningful to our poorest citizens, but if those poorest citizens are more likely to be raised out of poverty by raising the minimum wage, then it might just be the case that they too can afford the new price of milk, and have more money left over for things like... rent. Or education. Or healthcare.

Maybe even a cost cutting loss leader like Walmart can reasonably increase its wages. After all, they still have 13 stores on Long Island, where the minimum wage is $15, and has been since 2021.

(I could have just cited the Berkeley study and moved on, but after a certain point I was too deep in parsing the Walmart report to not include it.)

But also... minimum wage increases are often staggered. They start out on the bigger companies, which have the resources to accommodate those changes (unless they've been doing stock buybacks), and then later on the smaller businesses, now that a portion of the economy (those working for the big companies) has the spare change to spend money at those smaller businesses that are raising their prices by a little more than the corporations.

And at that point, all I can really say is, well.

If you can't afford to pay your employees a living wage, you're not an oppressed company. You're just a failing company. Sorry, Walmart&Co, your business model is predicated on fucking over poor people, and so it's a bad business model.

Being a dickhead, while successful, is not actually 'smart' business practice.

(This doesn't even get into the international impacts, like what an "American companies should pay higher wages abroad, especially if they charge higher-than-American pricing for their products, but also at factories where we know they're committing human rights abuses" approach could be but this is already long as fuck so that'll have to wait for another post.)

Anyway.

Inflation

This one is tied into the cost argument above, but like...

Inflation is already a thing? Inflation is happening whether we raise the minimum wage or not. Costs go up whether we raise the minimum wage or not. Who is this argument serving? Not the people who can't afford rent, surely.

Quoting the earlier-mentioned Drexel report (red highlights mine):

While the minimum wage has been adjusted numerous times since its implementation in 1938, it has failed to keep up with inflation and the rising cost of living. The purchasing power of minimum wage reached its peak in 1968 and steadily declined since. If it had kept up with inflation from that point it would have reached at least $10.45 in 2019. Instead, its real value continues to go down, meaning minimum wage employees are essentially being paid less each year. Additionally, some economists argue if minimum wage increased with U.S. productivity over the years, it would be set currently at $26 per hour today and poverty rates would be close to non-existent with little negative impact on the economy. However, because gradual change was avoided, the extra funds were instead shifted to CEO compensation. A sudden change in wages now could possibly make a more noticeable impact on the economy, which is often cited as reasoning for a slower increase over time moving forward. Gradual increases with inflation and productivity could have avoided any potential economic ripple effects from wage increases and should be considered in ongoing plans.

Increasing Unemployment

A common argument is that the unemployment rate would jump as employers were forced to let employees go. Assuming they didn't just hire more employees so they could give them less hours in order to cut benefits... not really!

A 2021 article from Berkeley News summarizes the issue, along with several others, covering some thirty years of research that started with "Minimum Wages and Employment: A Case Study of the Fast-Food Industry in New Jersey and Pennsylvania," published in 1993. They also touch on the issue of subminimum wages for tipped workers, though they do not address the subminimum wages set for underage and disabled workers.

“A minimum wage increase doesn’t kill jobs,” said Reich, chair of UC Berkeley’s Center on Wage and Employment Dynamics (CWED) . “It kills job vacancies, not jobs. The higher wage makes it easier to recruit workers and retain them. Turnover rates go down. Other research shows that those workers are likely to be a little more productive, as well.” - Berkeley News article, "Even in small businesses, minimum wage hikes don’t cause job losses, study finds"

Lower turnover rates also save money for employers, as it causes them to have much lower HR expenses. How much money do you think large employers spend on using sites like Indeed or Glassdoor to find new employees?

This article from Richmond Fed does, admittedly, encourage a slightly grayer analysis:

In a 2021 review of some of the literature, [researchers] reported that 55.4 percent of the papers that they examined found employment effects that were negative and significant. They argued that the literature provides particularly compelling evidence for negative employment effects of an increased minimum wage for teens, young adults, the less educated, and the directly affected workers. On the other hand, in a 2021 Journal of Economic Perspectives article that analyzed the effect of the minimum wage on teens ages 16-19, Alan Manning of the London School of Economics and Political Science wrote that although the wage effect was sizable and robust, the employment effect was neither as easy to find nor consistent across estimations. Thus, although the literature supports an effect on employment among the most affected workers, it does not appear to be as sizable as theory might suggest.

The International Labor Organization has a similarly mixed result when taking a variety of studies into account. (I left in their own reference links.)

In high-income countries, a comprehensive reviews of about 70 studies, shows that estimates range between large negative employment effects to small positive effects. But the most frequent finding is that employment effects are close to zero and too small to be observable in aggregate employment or unemployment statistics (1). Similar conclusions emerge from meta-studies (quantitative studies of studies) in the United States (2), the United Kingdom (3), and in developed economies in general (4). Other reviews conclude that employment effects are less benign and that minimum wages reduce employment opportunities for less-skilled workers (5).

And there's the 60-page "Impacts of minimum wages: review of the international evidence" from University of Massachusetts Amherst, which looks at data from both the US and UK. I'll admit I didn't read this one beyond the introduction, because this is very long already.

Not all US studies suggest small employment effects, and there are notable counter examples. However, the weight of the evidence suggests the employment effects are modest. Moreover, recent research has helped reconcile some of the divergent findings. Much of this divergence concerns how different methods handle economic shocks that affected states differently in the 1980s and early 1990s, a period with relatively little state-level variation in minimum wages.

I'd encourage you to think of it this way:

Employer A pays $7.25/hr. Employer B also pays $7.25/hr. An employee works 25hrs/week for Employer A, and 20hr/wk for Employer B. The minimum wage goes up to $15/hr. Employer B cuts the employee. Employer A cuts employees as well, but not this one, and instead increases their hours to 30/wk for greater coverage.

The employee has gone from just under $400/wk to $450/wk. They lost a job, sure, but the end result... They have an extra fifteen hours of free time per week! Or more! With time to level out, you have less jobs, but more employment, because people aren't taking up multiple jobs (that someone else could have) just to survive.

This is a very, very simplified example, which doesn't take into account graduated wage increases (see the NYS labor table) or the benefits issue from before, but it does show the reality that "less jobs" doesn't necessarily mean "less pay" or "fewer employed" people, when so many of those employed at this pay are working multiple jobs.

Even the Washington Post agrees that the wage hike wouldn't cost as many jobs as conventional wisdom claims, and they're owned by Bezos. (Though I recognize the name of the article's author as the same person behind that 60-page Amherst report, so there's that to consider.)

The Kellogg Institute also points out that individual workers were, on average, more productive after receiving the pay increase, so the drop in the bottom line was softened. This is a bit debatable; the results varied based on the level of monitoring, but it's worth noting that most minimum wage jobs are pretty high-intensity, high-monitoring. Goodness knows you don't get a whole lot of time to yourself outside of the critical eye of your shift lead or customers if you're working fast food. They also note a decrease in profits, but I'd point out that they speak specifically of profits, not share of revenue.

To explain the difference: imagine you sell $100 of product in a day. The product cost you $50. Overhead (rent, utilities, taxes) cost you $10. Labor cost you $15. Profit, then, was $25, or $25.

A 16% reduction in the profit does not mean you now retain $11. It means that you retain 16% less of the $25. You now retain $21.

(This is, as with many of my examples, INCREDIBLY simplified, but I need to illustrate what the article's talking about, and I don't have infographics.)

Some other articles on the topic are from The Quarterly Journal of Economics, Business for a Fair Wage, The Federal Reserve Bank of San Francisco (more critical), the Center on Wage and Employment Dynamics, the Center for Economic and Policy Research, UCLA Anderson, Vox, and The Intelligencer, which cites another Berkeley article. I do not claim to have read all of these, especially the really long ones, but the links are there if you want to look into them.

In the interest of showing research from groups that do not serve my own political views, I'm going to link an article from the Cato Institute; I do encourage you to read that one with a grain of salt, given that it's written by a libertarian thinktank, and they are just as dedicated to hunting for research that serves their political views as I am. There were a few other libertarian articles I came across, but the way they presented information kept feeling really duplicitous so I just... am not linking those, or the leftist ones I am also uncomfortable with due to the whole "I'm totally not tricking you" vibes. Also eventually I just got tired, there are so many articles on this and I am just one blogger who is not actually working for a magazine or thinktank, I am working for my own personal tumblr.

Negatively Impacting Slightly-Higher Paid Employees

Did you know that raising the minimum wage affects more than just those making minimum? It affects those just above as well. It's referred to as the ripple effect of minimum wage hikes by this Brookings article. They estimate that a wage hike would affect nearly 30% of the country's workforce.

"Price adjustments provide the principal adjustment mechanism for minimum wage increases: higher labor costs are passed through to consumers, mainly for food consumed away from home. Such an increase does not deter restaurant customers. Price increases are also detectable for grocery stores (Leung 2018; Renkin, Montialoux and Siegenthaler 2019), but not more generally. The effect on inflation is therefore extremely small." - "Likely Effects of a $15 Federal Minimum Wage by 2024," Testimony prepared for presentation at the hearing of the House Education and Labor Committee, Washington, DC (2019)

This overlaps with general criticisms of widening income equality, citing an AEA article I cannot access since it's behind a paywall. I wonder if it touches on companies like Amazon being headquartered in the city and manipulating the job market by sheer size? I can only speculate.

Plus, there are the health benefits! Which are mostly connected to lessening poverty, and through that lessening stress and increasing healthcare access, but still! Some of these results are debated, but I'd need to know more about the details to know how they're related (University of Washington).

------

I've spent most of the day on this, so if you guys have made it this far and are interested in supporting me, please donate to my ko-fi or commission an article. (Preferably for more than the base price; I'm effectively working at a fraction of minimum wage myself, which is ironic considering the theme of this post.)

(I realistically shouldn't have spent more than two or three hours on this, but I have so many strong opinions on the subject that I couldn't stop.)

(Also: There were so many more sources I didn't even get to read the basic premise of because it was so repetitive after a while.)

#economics #stock market #capitalism #phoenix talks #ko fi #ko fi prompts #minimum wage #minimum wage increase #research

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rotzaprachim · 2 months

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Everything about a current discourse is aggressively very bad but uh. It is interesting to see where current leftists have decided to align themselves on an endlessly messy discourse,

but it is also interesting to see how a) “the no Israeli civillians” crowd have erased the political positionality of a U.S. serviceman killing himself while in uniform, an issue obviously not disconnected from US military imperialism and also stark in lack of leftists’ general failure to reckon with soldier suicide rates as a significant issue ( https://www.npr.org/2021/06/24/1009846329/military-suicides-deaths-mental-health-crisis#:~:text=A%20new%20report%20on%20U.S.,than%20four%20times%20as%20many. ) beyond the general banner of Die Fascist Pigs. It’s very bad when anyone dies and it’s bad when anyone kills themselves and there are complex circumstances involved in bushnell’s suicide, those circumstances are seemingly contradictory and tied not only to I/P but internal U.S. violence and imperialism. b) yeah very true many cultures have concepts of martyrdom. Doesn’t mean I can’t critique them! In particular the glorification of martydom is extra weird, in discourse land, when so much of the pro-martyrdom content in the I/P air is definitionally military-Zionist - it’s better to die for Israel, like the martyrs at Masada, then set down your rifle and go home! This does not mean martyrdom talk is inherently Zionist or tied to one side, it’s not, but it’s also not inherently liberatory either. The ideology that it’s better to die than live to fix the problem - that what you can do with a single death is more important than what you can do with your whole life - is a complex one, bound by an incredible number of social factors, but it is not inherently one in support of liberation.

In particular the ways in which the US military and U.S. culture have a specific cult of martyrdom is in fact a very very relevant conversation to be had right the fuck now! Even if for Bushnell it took the form of something that would be read by progressives as a positive cause, such ideology has also been part of the enlisting and deployment of US soldiers of the military-industrial-imperial complex to Iraq and Afghanistan! It’s better to die for your country than live for it IS a part of us Christian and military culture and it needs to be critiqued! The flattening of this into a linear understanding of decolonization limits an analysis of the military imperialist factors themselves.

#Tw Suicide

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max1461 · 3 months

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I really have to say that when I see people engaging in, uh... soft apologism for Israel (I mean like, drawing focus in Israel/Palestine discussions away from Israel and onto how bad Hamas is, or how the Israeli side is being unfairly represented, or so on), it basically always makes me lose a little respect for them. Like.

Obviously Hamas is awful. There's nothing wrong with saying this straight up. I don't believe in the kind of neurotic narrative-crafting bullshit that other leftists seem to. People will call it manufacturing consent for US support of Israel or whatever, but I think this is silly. You can't sway US foreign policy by policing a conversation. I've compared it before to the inefficacy of weaving in traffic. It's like, no matter what your goals are, better (except in various edge cases) to go with the slow and steady strategy of "say what you actually think is true, or don't say anything at all". And what is actually true is that Hamas is an awful organization, and I won't hesitate to say it when I think it's relevant.

But. There is a genocide being committed right now, and it is not by Hamas. The current death toll of the war is ~26,000 Palestinians and ~1,400 Israelis. That's 4,000 more Palestinians than last time I made this exact same fucking post a few weeks ago, and... maybe a few more Israelis? It's hard to tell because there's some variations in the numbers that are being reported. That's not even to mention the people who have been expelled from their homes, the infrastructural damage, the damage to public health, etc., which has been exclusively concentrated in Palestine.

This is not a symmetrical conflict. This is a genocide.

I just... there's no other way to say this, but I've seen some people I otherwise respect on here come into I/P discussion and say things like "well this is all true, but Hamas is still terrible blah blah blah", and I see this in pretty much the same light as someone during WW2 being like, "well, the Nazis are awful, but" or "well, the Rape of Nanking was awful, but".

Like. It's not that there's never a time to talk about e.g. atrocities by the Allies in WW2! Those are actually pretty important to talk about! But when there's an ongoing genocide, when the situation is what it plainly is, and I see people repeatedly redirecting discussions of the genocide in away from the actual perpetrators, it's like...

Frankly it just makes me think they are bad moral reasoners. Like I interact with some of these people, I may not know them personally but I know them well enough to be confident they aren't evil or malicious or bloodthirsty. So instead I think they're blinded by bias, or they're in some discourse bubble with the kind of leftists who say Hamas is great and they're being too myopic to realize that dumbass internet leftists (who have always and will always exist) are not the most important issue right now, or whatever. I think they're engaging in a simple failure of moral reasoning. And, I think, an avoidable failure, the kind of failure that makes me look at someone and go "c'mon, man... really?".

The reason I am not so governed by myopic annoyance at internet leftists is that when I see them be dumbasses I say to myself "c'mon, man... really?", and when I have said this enough times about someone I stop taking what they say very seriously to begin with. And so too I often find myself reading I/P discussions and upon seeing one of these "reasonable" voices enter the scene, say to myself "well, this is probably gonna be a silly contribution". Well, anyway.

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variety-fangirl · 1 year

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🔥🔥 body worship/praise with tasm!peter parker please!

Perfect To Me / tasm!Peter Parker x fem!reader

Summary: Peter is a giver, loving to focus his time on your pleasure than his own. So, when you aren't feeling particularly good about your appearance, Peter helps show you just how beautiful you are to him.

Warnings: 18+ NO MINORS SHOO not much! Smut (unprotected p in v, praise kink, pet names (baby, princess, good girl), female oral receiving, light face grabbing, slight overstimulation), reader feeling unhappy in her appearance, mention of mental health issues and self-esteem, lmk if I missed anything!

Author's note: thank you so much for requesting! I love this idea 😍 hope this turns out how you wanted! I loved the idea, sorry it took so long to do, life's been hectic lately 😅. College has been kicking my ass haha. Liking, commenting, and reblogging really help me out. Thank you!

To anybody who's ever felt bad about themselves, their appearance, or felt like they weren't good enough: you are beautiful, no matter what you or anyone else thinks. You will always be good enough, strong enough, beautiful enough, and worth enough, please talk to someone if you need support, don't suffer alone! 💜💜

Word count: 2.1k

You arrived home to your shared apartment with Peter after a long day at work, your feet aching and your back sore. Today was a particularly hard day, you'd been overly tired and not feeling the best mentally as of late, and so your performance at work dipped a little. You made a few small mistakes and had a customer yell rude comments at you, making you feel worse. All you had thought about all day was getting home and taking a hot shower. Peter watched as you closed the door behind you, took off your shoes and coat, and went to the bathroom without saying a word. He frowned at the sound of the shower running and your light sniffles, shaky breaths leaving you. Peter got up from the couch and made his way to you, it wasn't often that he saw you like this but when he did, he knew what he needed to do.

You sobbed as you stood under the warm sprays of the shower, water flowing down your aching muscles. You looked down at your body and frowned, unhappy with the way you looked. Especially when that one man called you worthless and pathetic at work for making a minor mistake, it fuelled the insecurity and hate you already felt in yourself. You already had a rough few weeks of feeling down and bad about yourself, you didn't need the added extra bullshit from random arseholes at your place of work. The tears continued to fall quickly down your cheeks, mixing with the warm shower water. All you wanted was to have a nice shower, use your favourite body lotion and spray, and get into bed with your boyfriend to cuddle.

You sigh as you hear the bathroom door open, the gentle patter of feet walking across the cold tiles in your direction. You heard shuffling and gentle thuds of objects landing on the floor, and the clinking of the metal rings of the shower curtain being moved. Peter got in behind you, wrapping his arms around your waist and leaning over to kiss your neck. The overwhelming feeling of your loving boyfriend's comfort pushes you over the edge, more tears breaking free as a sob escapes. Your body shakes in Peter's arms as he holds you, hands grabbing to pull him closer as he whispers sweet nothings in your ear. Peter understood you so well, better than you know yourself sometimes, that he provided you with what you needed without having to ask. It made you feel so loved, cared for, and listened to. He took the time to make notes of what you needed in times of need and struggle, showering you with love and affection.

As your tears stopped and your breathing went back to normal, you started to wash your body to actually shower. You didn't really feel any better but the crying allowed you to release some of the tension you had felt about everything over the last couple of weeks. The soapy loofa was grabbed from your hands by Peter, "let me take care of you, baby, just relax." he whispered in your ear, placing a gentle affectionate kiss on the side of your neck. You nod, a soft sob escaping as you let your loving boyfriend wash you. You appreciated that he was taking care of you without prompt, he genuinely wanted to make you feel better and do what he could to show you he cared. You sometimes wondered how you managed to get someone so loving and thoughtful, someone, who so selflessly helped others without anything in return.

Peter took his time in caring for you, making sure he was attentive in his actions. He took extra special attention when washing your hair with your favourite shampoo and conditioner, scratching his fingers across your scalp to loosen as much tension as possible. He made sure to lather every inch of your body in your favourite body wash, giving your back a light massage as he went. With every action he could feel your body relaxing against him, your back gently and slowly slumping against his chest. A soft moan of appreciation leaves you as he works on your shoulders, your mouth hanging open as the tight knots loosen and your sore muscles begin to feel less tense. You could feel Peter harden against your ass, and despite how you were feeling, you could feel your pussy become wet with arousal.

"Sorry baby, you're just so beautiful and when you make those little noises, I can't help it," he whispers into your neck, his voice shaky and almost breathless. His hands travelled down to your waist, holding you as close to him as he possibly could. You couldn't help the thought that popped into your mind, the insecurities and self-doubt still looming in the back of your mind. "I'm not" it slipped out before you could catch it, before you could stop the dreaded words from leaving your mouth. You knew Peter would hate that you were doubting yourself and take it personally, feeling that he wasn't loving you enough for there to be doubt. You felt Peter's hands tense on your waist, his fingers digging in but not enough to hurt you, he wasn't happy.

"What?" he muttered, turning you to face him, his tone hurt and filled with disbelief. You face him slowly, keeping your eyes on his naked wet chest to avoid his intense stare. You sigh, "I'm not beautiful." you whisper, exhausted with your current mental state, just wishing you could believe his words. Peter grabs your chin firmly and forces you to look at him, a gasp leaving you at his force, he'd never been this harsh with you before. "Look at me, you stop that right now. You're the most beautiful person I've ever laid my eyes on," Peter grabs your hand and places it on his throbbing hard cock, "look at what you do to me, I'm so hard for you baby." He groans as your fingers grasp him firmly, wrapping around his massive length.

You whimper as he lightly fucks your hand, his face moving into the crook of your neck. "You're so beautiful," he whispers breathlessly as he works his lips across the wet skin, sucking to leave marks in the areas he knew were particularly sensitive to his touch. "I'm going to show you, you want that?" he asks as he stops his actions and pulls back to look at you for reassurance and the 'okay' to continue, he knew you'd had a bad day and didn't want to push you if you didn't want to do anything. He smiles as you nod, his lips connecting with yours in a passionate kiss. As his mouth explored yours, he reached behind you to turn the shower off and led you to the middle of the bathroom. He broke away to gently dry you both, neither wanting to have a wet bed to sleep in that night.

You lay down on your back on the bed, wet with anticipation of what Peter had in mind. His mouth latches onto your left nipple, licking and sucking while his hand plays with the other, pinching the swollen nub in his fingertips. Your panting with need, eyes watching his every action. You watch as Peter kisses his way down your body, taking his time and teasing you as much as possible until you were squirming with need. When he finally reaches where you need him most after what felt like hours but was probably only ten minutes, you're dripping with arousal. His fingers dip into your needy hole with ease, slipping straight into you to the knuckles without restraint, "Jesus baby! Your so wet for me, such a good girl." You whimper at the praise, your pussy clenching around his fingers inside you.

Peter slowly pumps his fingers in and out of your pussy as his mouth attaches to your clit, earning a gentle whimper of approval from you. You can feel him smile against you, his eyes staring up at you with a look of pure hunger and lust, it felt so intense that you had to look away. You felt Peter's mouth move away, your head snapping back to wonder why he'd stopped. "Nu-uh, you watch me, princess. Don't take your eyes off me," he commanded, waiting for your nod before continuing. You give him what he wanted, making sure to keep your eyes on him as he worked you closer to your orgasm with each passing moment, his fingers still pumping slowly. He didn't take his eyes from yours, making sure you were watching him pleasure you, he wanted you to see how much he enjoyed pushing you over the edge.

Peter knew you were close when he felt you clench around his fingers harshly and fingers pulled at his hair, your back arching and mouth open wide with panting breaths. It took everything in you not to look away or close your eyes as you came all over his fingers and mouth, explosions of pure pleasure clouding your vision. Peter's crash to yours, allowing you to taste yourself on his tongue as he explored your mouth. He wasted no time in lining himself up with your dripping entrance, looking at you for permission. You nodded frantically, needing him to fuck all the bad thoughts away. You both gasp as he slowly entered you, your slick allowing him to thrust fully to the hilt without pain or struggle. You were so wet and ready for him that you asked him to move immediately, "fuuuuuck baby, you're so goddamn wet for me." Peter groaned, the sound of your juices filling the room along with skin slapping.

His thrusts were quick, dragging against your walls with precision to hit all the right angles, and slamming back into you with intent. His cock hit your g-spot repeatedly, his finger returning to your clit in slow circles to stimulate you further. "Fuck Peter." you moaned loudly, head thrown back, nails dragging down the skin of his back. You felt like you were going to explode with all the pleasure coursing through your body, pushing you over the edge once again with a loud scream of Peter's name. He slowed his thrusts down once you rode your high, taking a slow but passionate pace instead. Peter's hands roamed your body, appreciating every dip and curve, every perfectly imperfect inch of you that he loved unconditionally.

"I love you, baby, you're so perfect to me." Peter moaned as he pulled you into a mind-numbingly passionate kiss, one that took your breath away as he pulled away to nestle into the crook of your neck. "I love you too, so fucking much." you sobbed, tears flowing down your cheeks, your body was overwhelmed with blissful pleasure and intense adoration from your boyfriend. "So so perfect," Peter whispered to himself with a deep groan as he secured your legs around his waist and pulled your body close to his, cradling your head in between his arms so you could stare into one another eyes as he fucked you senseless. You could feel another orgasm approaching despite your clit throbbing with overstimulation, "you can give me another one baby, you've been so good for me. Cum with me." Peter pecked your lips as his thumb found its way to your clit, pushing you over the edge.

You scream as you see stars in your vision, your whole body shaking in ecstasy. Your pussy clenching harshly around Peter's cock sent him over the edge, his hot cum filling you over and over again as he rode you both your highs. Peter collapsed on top of you, both sweaty panting messes, careful though not to crush you. You both took a moment to catch your breaths as you bask in the euphoric bliss and try to regain feeling in your body again. Once Peter's cock softens inside you he gently pulls out and grabs a washcloth to clean you. You wince with sensitivity as he tries his best to gently clean you, kissing your thighs as he goes along to apologise. Tiredness overtook you once again, you knew you'd get a good night's sleep tonight.

Peter lies on his back and pulls you to lie on top of him, his large warm arms enveloping you, they made you feel safe and loved, wanted by the one person who always managed to make everything better. Peter continued to whisper sweet nothings and compliments into your ear as his lips kiss every inch of skin he could reach without disturbing you, his fingertips tracing gentle patterns over your skin until you fell asleep. Peter would remind you however many times it would take to convince you that you were beautiful, and to him, you would always be beautiful in his eyes no matter what. His beautiful perfect girl.

#fluff #y/n #peter parker x y/n #peter parker smut #tasm!spiderman x reader #the amazing spiderman #mcu #peter parker #tasm!spider man #tasm!peter parker #peter parker x reader #tasm!peter smut

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collapsedglasshouses · 4 months

Text

An Angel For Noah || Noah Sebastian x OC [Part 10]

DIVIDER ART WORK BY @cafekitsune

PAIRING: Noah Sebastian x Jules [she/her]

MASTERPOST

SUMMARY: Jules and Noah finally face their difficulies, leading to them letting down their guards.

WARNINGS: ANGST, NSFW, MDNI, fingering, unprotected sex (p in v) [does it even count as unprotected, she is a fucking guardian angel idk], even more angst, swearing, mentions of mental health issues, mentions of death, ...

A/N: I cried. A lot. :) Also! I'd like to dedicate this chapter to @crimson-calligraphyx because I accidentally gave Jules' best friend her name in the exact same spelling as her own name! ALSO... this is not proofread... i'm sorry about that ._.

TAGLIST: @trvshdxddy @blackveilomens @crimson-calligraphyx @measuredingold @cncohshit @signs-of-ill-portent @hi-fancy-seeing-you-here @ada-clarence @wild-child-7747 @thebadchic @thescarlettvvitch @cookiesupplier

Keep in mind, this takes place in an alternative universe. Even though I write about real people, the way I write them has nothing to do with how they are in real life.

“What am I doing?” Jules asked herself while looking at Noah’s sleeping figure. It’s been three hours since he had finally fallen asleep and Jules felt numb. Her heartbeat took some time to slow down a bit, but her mind was still racing as fast as it gets. She couldn’t get the image of him trying to climb over the balcony railing out of her head. She knew he wasn’t doing well but she didn’t realize it had been that bad. He needed help she couldn’t give him.

Every time she considered a strategy to help him, she couldn't follow through with it. The idea of merely returning to exist in his shadows appeared more impossible than ever. All of her past actions seemed like a lot of bad decisions. The fact that she now also had promised him to talk about the situation and see him again, made her feel even more at unease.

Her gaze remained fixed on Noah, and she felt a wave of nausea. It seemed impossible to get herself out of the situation. She didn’t want to leave him; he needed support, and she was determined to find a way to help him overcome his misery.

TWO WEEKS LATER

When Noah opened the door to his room, a deep sigh escaped him. The bags under his eyes were more pronounced than usual, and he found himself in a state of uncertainty. It had been a while since he last saw Jules. She didn't come to talk to him as she had promised, and although he yearned to resolve things, he understood it might be for the best.

He had phoned his therapist as soon as he woke up and made an appointment for after the tour. After that he went on and did his best. He performed as good as he could and even though the tour had been successful he was more than glad that it had ended.

His therapy session had just ended and now he didn't really know what to do. He was angry with himself that he let his intrusive thoughts get a hold of him back than but when he was being honest with himself he was even more disappointed that Jules didn't show up as she promised.

When he sat down at his desk, his phone suddenly vibrated.

ONE NEW NOTIFICATION FROM SADIE

He hadn't heard from her since that night he almost had a car accident while driving to her.

Sadie: What's up? You wanna meet up?

Noah stared at the message and began to bite the inside of his cheek. It wasn't like he didn't like her or something but since he met Jules, he hadn't thought of Sadie even once.

He sighed before laying down his phone again. This was dumb. He was acting dumb. He had this really nice girl waiting for him and he would have the advantage of getting rid of some stress, but he preferred to sit there and mourn his damn guardian angel. He wasn't even remotely sure what he was hoping to get out of it.

So, he stood up and grabbed his jacket and right as he was about to leave his room, he felt a hand on his shoulder and simultaneously his anger level seemed to explode.

"You can't be serious?" He blurted out and spun around to look at Jules. She looked terrible, if he could even say that. If she would still have been alive, he would have said she hadn't slept in a while.

"Noah-..." - "No! No fucking 'Noah'." - "I-..." - "Shut up, you didn't talk then and now I don't want to hear your excuses!"

He tried to turn around but Jules grabbed both of his shoulders to make him look at her. "You know damn well how difficult this whole thing is" Jules exclaimed and tried to suppress her tears.

"No, Jules. It isn't really difficult to just show up and talk." He answered her, ignoring his desire to touch her.

"You seem to forget who the fuck I am, Noah! I'm not even supposed to be here." She snarled at him.

"Then go." Noah answered coldly before getting out of her grip and storming of. He didn't even stop when he passed Nick who gave him a confused look.

He didn't allow him to think anything until he drove out of the drive way. Screams from the music echoed through his car as he gribbed the steering wheel harder. He couldn't believe this whole fucked up shit was happening as if he didn't already have enough to deal with.

When he left the neighborhood, he suddenly felt at unease and could just roll his eyes. "This isn't working, Jules. I'll still leave."

Nobody answered him. He was furious.

His knuckles slowly began to turn white from his hard grip on the steering wheel as he suddenly let out a frustrated groan and turned around as soon as he saw the last gas station before he would reach Sadie's house.

“Fuck off.” Noah shouted into the darkness. He couldn’t believe how much Jules had him in his grip. The last couple of days he tried his utter best to clear his head, get things sorted out, work on the problems that already consumed his mind, but Jules was the one thing that never left him. He couldn’t escape her, and he hated her for that.

“You need to stop, Jules.” He screamed and still, there was no answer. So, when he re-entered the house and stormed to his room, he was about to trash his room when he saw Jules sitting on his bed, staring at the wall.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” He screamed at her, causing her to flinch.

“What are you talking about?” She wanted to know, not even caring to look up at his angered face. She really didn’t know what he was talking about.

“Oh, come on, Jules.” He answered her and started pacing up and down the room. He needed to let go. He needed to get rid of his piled-up frustration.

She slowly stood up from his bed, her eyes following his wandering figure. She didn’t know what to say. She didn’t even know what he wanted. But she knew her following spiteful comment didn’t ease the tension. “Enjoyed your trip?”

Noah stopped in his tracks. “You can’t be fucking serious, Jules.” – “Care to explain your psychotic outburst?”

When Noah looked at Jules like that, he didn't realize how exhausted she appeared.

Instead of answered her, he began to shake his head unamused. “You know exactly what you did.” – “You’re insane.” – “OF FUCKING COURSE… I’m talking to my fucking guardian angel who seems to have a great jealousy issue.”

Jules' brow furrowed as she processed what Noah had just yelled at her. His eyes sparkled with a slight hint of madness. A couple of seconds passed, before Jules finally realized what Noah was trying to tell her.

“You think I made you turn around from your booty call?” Jules wanted to know from him.

“I don’t think it, I know it and I need to know why.” Noah answered her and crossed his arms in front of his chest.

Jules blinked a couple of seconds and felt a wave of relieve wash over her. “I hate to break it to you, Noah… But I wasn’t even following you.”

Jules looked into Noah’s eyes and saw how confusion washed over him. He wasn’t sure what he should believe anymore. He let out a frustrated sigh before he sat down at the edge of his bed, Jules eyes following him with concern.

"Why didn't you talk to me like you promised?" He asked her after a couple of minutes of silence, his eyes finally meeting hers.

Jules' heart sank at his broken frame. She didn't know what to say. She knew she had been a coward but she just wanted him to forget about her.

"This is all so confusing, Noah. I feel like we always run in circles." She breathed out and sat down next to him. "I think it would be best for me to just go back into your shadows, Noah. I'm making your live even harder than it already is."

Noah, deciding to ignore her statement, turned his upper body to her, "You need to tell me something, Jules."

She looked into his dark brown eyes which sparked with curiosity. Every time she dared to glance at him like that, she felt like she was going to crumble under his gaze. "What is it, Noah?" Her voice was not more than a whisper, both of them scared to ruin the moment like they did so often in the past.

"Did you feel it, too?" He calmly wanted to know and Jules heart rate increased rapidly. He didn’t even have to explain what he exactly meant.

If she felt it too? Of course, she did. Of course, she felt how their hearts aligned the first time their eyes met. Of course, she felt how she wanted nothing but to be close to him. Of course, she felt it too.

But Jules also knew she couldn’t just say that.

Noah's eyes never left hers. He wouldn’t let this go again. He needed to know if he really was going crazy. He noticed how Jules began to pick the skin around her finger nails and decided to step in. He carefully grabbed her hands. Again, there was this wave washing over him, every time he got to touch her.

And of course, she felt it too. But she didn’t know what to do. She knew, if she would talk, there was no way out of this anymore. Even less than before.

Noah, in the mean time, realized what her answer would be, giving her shift in demeanor. But he needed to hear it from her.

"Don’t make this harder than it already is, Noah." Jules whispered, both of them still getting lost in each other’s eyes.

"So, you felt it too." Noah exclaimed, not letting go of the subject.

Jules swallowed hard. She wanted to be strong. She wanted to let Noah go, but when he looked at her like that, their hands still intertwined, she felt like she was about to explode.

"Say it, Jules." Noah demanded, "Say it and I’ll let you go."

Jules' ears were ringing. Her cheeks were burning and the slight tint of Noah’s cheeks gave away, he was feeling the exact same thing.

"You promise?"

Noah nodded.

"I thought, I lost you." Jules than let out, causing Noah to raise his brows while Jules felt her tears coming up. "I-… I thought, you would do it, Noah. I had this gut-wrecking feeling that you would die…"

Noah swallowed hard.

"If that was the feeling Keaton felt when I was hit by that car… I-… I don’t wanna feel that every again… It felt like I was dying again." She explained while tears fell down her cheeks. Noah wanted to wipe them away but he decided against it, fearing he would lose her again.

Jules squeezed his hands harder.

"When I saw you making an appointment with your therapist and doing rather well after I left that night… I just didn’t want to disturb you again." Jules explained, only interrupted by her own cries.

Noah's heart sank. He knew he wasn’t doing well and he did everything he could to change that again but seeing her so broken because of his action made it even worse for him. The last thing he wanted was to hurt her and yet it seemed it was the only thing that brought them together. Hurting each other…

"I'm supposed to help you when you are in trouble. Prevent you from bad things but I feel like I’m the trigger to get you to do bad things and that’s just because I was so dumb to show myself." She rambled on, feeling a sense of relief from finally letting go of her thoughts. Noah's eyes became watery.

"But the biggest mistake was to let you touch me, Noah, because-…" Jules stopped mid-sentence, in hopes she could calm herself down, but nothing helped. The tears were flowing like there was no tomorrow.

"Tell me, Jules." Noah asked with a raspy voice from trying to hold his tears back.

"Because we both know this was the moment there was no going back." Jules whispered and sniffled quietly. Her gaze fell down to their hands, both of them holding each other with such force, as if one of them would explode into the nothingness.

Noah slowly let go of one of her hands and pushed a strand of hair behind her ear. Than he placed his hand under her chin to make her look at him. This was enough for Jules.

Everything she desperately wanted to keep from him broke out of her.

"I don’t even know if these feelings are real…" Jules let out and stopped in her tracks again. Noah gave her an encouraging look to go on.

"I feel so alive with you… You make me feel alive, Noah." She whispered and stared into his brown eyes.

For a couple of seconds, they just looked at each other, both processing what Jules had just said. And than… Noah broke.

"You're someone worth staying alive for, Jules."

Jules blinked for a second, trying to fight the urge of getting closer to Noah, but Noah took the decision from her when he mumbled "Fuck it..." and not even a second later grabbed Jules face and let their lips connect.

As their lips met, the scent of his cologne enveloped Jules, making her head spin with desire. Noah felt exactly the same. The warmth of her kiss spread through him like a comforting blanket on a chilly night.

For a second, both of them forgot how fucked up their situation was. They just pretended they were two adults, connect by fate. It was a bittersweet exchange, a mixture of longing and fulfillment that lingered in the air.

Their bodies gravitated toward each other, closing the distance as if pulled by an invisible force. Soon, Jules was being pulled onto Noah's lap and let her arms fall around his neck, while he grabbing onto her waist as if she would vanish any second.

Nothing even compared to the sensation Jules felt in that moment. Noah was the only thing on her mind and nothing was going to stop that. It felt like she only existed for this exact moment. To be close to him, to be held by him. All of his was new for her but she felt this deep need to get even closer to him.

For Noah, it felt like he had eaten the forbidden fruit. He had been in situations like this before but nothing in the world was able to compete with the feelings that washed over him, while his lips collided with Jules'.

When they finally pulled away, the air between them crackled with a newfound energy, the unspoken promise of what was to come. Their eyes met, a silent conversation passing between them, unlocking emotions that had long been hidden.

Jules' lips were red and puffy, while Noah's hair was even wilder then it had been just a couple of minutes ago.

Moments of silence passed between them, both getting lost in each others eyes.

Right as Noah was about to break this silence, Jules became bold. She closed their distance again, not being able to stand even a slight loss of contact with Noah. She felt her heart beating so fast that she was convinced for a second that she was in fact still alive.

She tried to push her thoughts of the future away as Noah's hands slipped under the plain shirt she wore. Jules shivered under his touch.

Even though Jules had no idea what she was doing, she let her feelings get a hold of her and began kissing down Noah's tattooed neck. She felt like she was going to explode when she heard his heavy breaths. Her hand grabbed the base of his hair without a second thought when Noah suddenly thrusted his hips up.

Jules moaned out in a mix of confusion and arousal. She couldn't believe this was really happening. She never made anyone feel the way Noah felt right now.

Noah pushed her slightly against him when she lifted her head again to look into his love drunk eyes.

"Are you okay?" Noah mumbled out, waiting for Jules' consent to the situation.

Jules looked at him for a short second before nodding frantically. She needed more. She needed Noah.

When she tried to kiss him again, he slightly backed away, a smirk on his face. "Use your words, Jules."

"I'm-..." Jules struggled to get out, "I'm more than okay, Noah."

Their lips connected again in a heated kiss and seemingly everything went fast, just like their whole relationship.

They helped each other out of their shirts, before Noah turned them around, hovering over the angel in front of him. He tried not to think about the fact that he was in fact making out with a somewhat ghost.

Jules was real to him. Jules was everything he needed right now.

He planted some soft kisses on her skin and felt how his lips began to prickle. This felt so unreal to him.

"You look so fucking beautiful." He breathed out while letting his hands run over her upper body. Jules felt goose bumps forming all over her skin. She couldn't quite comprehend how she was the angel in their position when every single touch of his felt so godlike.

“I-… I feel like I need more.” Jules said quietly even though it came out more like a desperate plea.

Noah’s hand traveled up to her breast slowly, pinching her hardened nipple for a short second. He didn’t miss how Jules thrusted herself against his thigh for a short second.

“Does it feel good?” Noah breathed out with a faint smile on his face before kissing Jules’ cheek.

Even though Jules had little to no experience, she noticed how he tried to tease her, but she wasn’t able to mock him back. She needed him so bad.

Jules whined out Noah’s name. “It feels so good.”

Noah kissed her deeply, quickly involving his tongue to get a taste of her. Jules couldn’t help but moan into his kiss loudly. Noah loved it, getting addicted to every precious noise he brought out of Jules. Just when Noah brought his knee between her legs, Jules swore she was about to die again. She couldn’t believe this whole thing was even better than she read in her little novels back when she was living in her small flat. Although their kisses slowed down a bit, their actions didn’t.

Jules shyly let her hand travel down Noah’s body, finding its way on his hardness. Noah felt like he was going to explode.

“God. Where did you learn that?” He moaned out in surprise, still not quite processing what was happening while Jules’ moves let him sink deeper into his delusion.

“You know? Reading books can help.” Jules smiled into the kiss, noticing how she got even wetter at his exclaim.

Her hand gripped him harder.

Noah let out a deep moan as he kissed down her neck and moved the hand that was previously placed on her breast down her stomach. Shortly they found their place on her clothed core. It didn’t take him long to push through the waistband of her shorts and she started to lightly massage her clit.

“Holy.” She moaned into his mouth while arching her back.

“You’re going to be the death of me.” Noah whined out, causing Jules to giggle.

“And here I thought I was a reason to stay alive for.” She whispered out with a smile, causing Noah to tease her wet entrance with his fingers before going back to her clit again. Noah smiled at her aroused expression.

“You’re going to be the death of my piece and mind.” He corrected himself, before Jules let go of his hardness to help him get her out of her last pieces of clothing.

Looking at his angel in all her glory was mind blowing to Noah. He was sure he felt his cock twitch in excitement when he looked at her beauty. It felt like she was glowing, and Noah just craved her taste even more.

But he wanted to take it slow. He didn’t know if this was the last time. He didn’t know if they were going back to their weird state of knowing about each other but ignoring their connection at the same time. He would do everything in his power to burn these images in both of their heads.

He circled her clit faster and faster as he leaned forward to kiss Jules deeply. He swallowed every moan of her as he felt himself get more and more aroused.

Then, for a moment, he stopped and looked the girl under him in the eyes, asking for silent consent. Jules slightly nodded; her mind clouded with the man in front of her.

“Please.” Jules groaned as she felt his fingers sink into her deeper and deeper.

“You’re so tight, I can barely fit my fingers in.” Noah teased the girl as he, again, kissed her neck.

Jules gripped Noah’s hair tightly as she pushed herself down on his hand. It was a brand-new sensation for her. It wasn’t like she hadn’t touched herself during her lifetime, but feeling Noah’s fingers inside of her felt like she was meant to be his.

Noah quickened his pace, while his other hand found it’s way to her cheek, caressing it with softness. Her moans echoed through the room, and he wanted nothing more but to record them and play them over and over as if it was his favorite song.

Jules leaned forward to catch Noah’s lips again. Jules didn’t know what had come over her but everything just felt so good and right.

“Fuck, you are perfect.” Noah muttered into the kiss. “Please… Please come for me. You can do it.”

And Jules did. The words and moans that come out of her mouth nearly made Noah come on the spot. She barely had the strength anymore to tell him how good he made her feel while she began shaking in pleasure. All she could do was running her fingernails over his bare back.

For a couple of seconds, Jules just whimpered in ecstasy.

“Your voice is my favorite sound.” Noah whispered and peppered kisses on her cheek as she came down from her high.

All Jules could do was capture Noah’s lips in another kiss, showing her gratefulness to share this moment with him. The kiss became deeper as she wrapped her arms around him, catching him in a firm embrace. She couldn’t let go of him.

Noah let it happen. He also slung his arms around her as if life depended on it. But hugging each other seemingly didn’t do enough anymore.

“Again…” Jules mumbled into his shoulder, causing Noah to widen his eyes. “I need you.”

“Shit… You really want to?” Noah asked, making sure he wasn’t dreaming right now. He lifted his body up slightly, to look her in the eyes.

“I need to feel you, Noah.” Jules whined and left the man over her speechless.

Fuck.

Noah needed to calm himself down. He was already so close to letting go of himself, when he simple looked at his angel. Even now, with the remains of their shared moment hanging in the air, he wondered how it would feel to be inside of her. That’s when he allowed himself to think about the fact that Jules was in fact not a person wandering this earth. He was kind of sleeping with a ghost… Or going insane… Probably both.

“We don’t need t-…” – “I want to, Noah.”

Noah let out a deep breath, nearly unable to ignore his own lust. Jules noticed the conflict going on in his head and quickly came to his rescue. She captured him in a sweet and soft kiss.

“I promise. I want this.” She muttered against his lips. “I want to be close to you. Do you want to?”

Noah nearly crumbled because of her words. Of course, he wanted her. So badly.

Noah swallowed hardly before deciding to let go. He quickly got out of his clothes, giving Jules almost no time to look at his beauty, before coming back to her, kissing her with such force, she nearly moaned again.

He placed himself between her open legs, thrusting his hardness against her pussy a few times, while analyzing her reaction with great interest. Jules took in every second she had with Noah. She was willing to do nothing else for the rest of her weird existence.

If Jules hadn’t already corrupted every little space of Noah’s thoughts, she would have done it now. Everything he could feel, taste, sense… It was Jules. Everything was Jules.

Jules shyly reached down to grab his erection and ran her hands up and down for a couple of times. Noah meanwhile began to shake under her touch. “It feels so good.”

His words hypnotized Jules as she circled her hand over his tip and stroked it a few more times. She would have never thought everything would lead to this moment. Jules felt her heat throb before moving her hips slightly upwards to guide his hardness into her.

Just the tip sinking into her, made both of them moan out. For a moment, Noah stayed still as he watched the woman move her hips even more to give him better entrance. Inch by inch, his cock sank into her, their breaths and whines echoing through the room as he stretched her out.

Noah begged this wasn’t just a dream. It felt more real than anything ever before.

“You’re taking me so well, angel.” He breathed out before placing a small kiss on her lips.

“You feel so good.” Jules answered him and looked into his eyes lovingly.

With that he finally thrusted into her. Everything aligned in that moment. All the moments they shared, all the fights, all the difficulties, all the feelings. Everything felt like it happened to bring them to this moment. It was as if they were the only to individuals existing in that moment. Sweet words were whispered into the heavy air of the room as the both of them gave each other exactly what they craved. Each other.

“Keep going. Noah. You feel so good.” Jules whisper shouted.

“God…” Noah moaned. “I love this so much.”

His pace became faster.

Without even thinking, Jules let out her next words. “I wanna feel your cum.”

Noah’s whole body prickled at her words. He couldn’t form words anymore, everything was hazed with the emotions he felt for her. He loved her. He loved being with her. He craved her.

Jules moved to meet his thrusts. Noah bit his lip. “You’re taking me so well.”

Jules kissed him again, feeling like she had never felt more emotions at the same time in her life.

“That’s it. Let go, Jules.” Noah grunted, making sure to give Jules her time. He was hitting all the perfect spots.

His thrusts became harder, while he captured her hands above her head, getting even better excess. They moaned in sync. It was their final straw.

They both came with a loud moan, his cum spilling inside of her with each thrust. For a few moments, their heavy breaths were the only thing that filled the room. Both coming down from their highs with a few kisses, all filled with the silent confessions of love.

When Noah caught his breath again, he kissed Jules again. “You are so fucking beautiful.”

“So are you.” Jules answered him with a sweet smile while she gazed over his face. He was in fact so beautiful. From his dark brown eyes that held so many secrets, to the small freckles plastered over his face.

Slowly, Noah let himself fall into his bed, cuddling into her side immediately.

Jules, meanwhile, stared at the ceiling of Noah’s room, while her thoughts began to flow her brain. This actually happened. She, an individual dangling between life and death, had sex with the person she was supposed to guard. But he wasn’t just any person. He was Noah. Her Noah.

It took the two a couple of minutes, maybe an hour to finally speak up again.

“You don’t even know how much you mean to me.” Noah whispered out and brushed a strand of her out of her face. His anxiety had also caught up to him, but he tried to ignore it for a second longer while laying there.

Jules bit her lip. Her heart skipped a beat at his words, even though she tried to function normally again. “I can’t even describe what you mean to me.”

She turned to look into his eyes. She quickly noticed they both knew what was eventually going to happen now.

“One night.” Noah whispered in a pleading tone. “One night, where we don’t think about it.”

Jules swallowed hard. She knew it was going to end rather soon than late. She didn’t want it to but she knew it had to go this way. So, she nodded.

“One night.”

With that she leaned forward and kissed him again. She kissed him with such force, he wouldn’t have any chance to miss what she was trying to say.

After that, they got even closer to each other, letting each other embrace the love they shared for a moment…

One night…

PART ELEVEN

#bad omens fanfiction #bad omens fanfic #noah sebastian x reader #bad omens fic #noah sebastian fic #noah sebastian fanfiction #bad omens rpf #noah sebastian fanfic #collapsedglasshouseswrites

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wannab-urs · 8 months

Text

Outtakes - Non-smut Vol 1

AO3 | Kofi | Main Masterlist | The Spreadsheet Masterlist | Vol 2

Hi friends! Sometimes we want fics that are SFW or we just want to make ourselves sad or we need a little pick me up. I'm here with a list of fics that have no (explicit) smut as of posting! They may have smutty thoughts or mild allusions to smut, but those are marked in the warnings!

I know, me, posting non-smut fics.... but they deserve love too! Note that while many of these are rated T, they are posted on blogs that are 18+ so MDNI <3

Summaries and tags are, in most cases, provided by the author - please be sure to read them as some of these fics may have content you do not wish to read.

Updated 2/22/2024

Whiskey, Dark and Deep - Jack - @prolix-yuy

Summary: In the short time you’ve known Jack Daniels, he’s disappointed you three times. Warnings: M, violence, blood, injuries, gunfights, so so so much yearning, full on cowboy tropes.

A bearable weight - Javi G - prolix-yuy

Summary: New Years Eve is the holiday of new beginnings, and you take a leap to see if Javi might be one of them. Story Warnings: T, plenty of sweetness, more ridiculousness because I can’t help myself, some lightly spicy kisses.

One Hundred and Fifty Seven - Din - @theidiotwhowritesthings

Summary: Din fakes his death for some reason. They leave reader behind thinking he’s dead. Months go by and he returns but reader is like super not okay. Say she’s been super into spice because then she can see Din when she’s high. Anyway, happy ending but loooots of angst please! Also, can it be a bit between him returning and reader being okay with him being back?” Warnings: angst with happy end, drug use, drug addiction, mentions of death, brief canon violence, self loathing, anxiety, self doubt, boba adopts reader b/c i couldn’t resist

Bullseye - Joel - @softlyspector

summary: You never learned how to shoot a gun, Joel insists on teaching you. warnings: tensionnnnn, flirting and ✨touching✨, fluff

In an instant - Joel - @mishasminion360

Summary: Happy Birthday, Joel Miller... Warnings: Um…..😳🙄 (ed. note: I hate to spoil the story, but since this list is intented to help people avoid triggers, I must; Major Character Death (reader), angst, loss of pregnancy)

It would be - Din - @fuckyeahdindjarin

Summary (aka prompt I gave myself): ‘It would be easier if you just married him.’ Warnings: angst, jealousy, fighting, pining, yearning, no use of Y/N

Just Keep Breathing - Javi P - @swiftispunk

Summary: javi finds it harder and harder to keep up with the more physical aspects of his job. reader offers him some love and words of comfort. warnings etc: BODY REPRESENTATION <3 (reader is described as having thicker thighs, a belly, and crow’s feet), smoking + smoking related health issues, hurt/comfort, back massages, fluff, angst, bein in ur 30s/40s, established relationship. probably bad spanish (please correct me). NO USE OF Y/N.

Every Pilot Needs a Wingman - Frankie - @kikis-writing-world

Summary: You have been pining quietly over your neighbor for months. He hasn’t noticed, but apparently his friend has… Warnings: Smutty thoughts - grey sweatpants should be their own warning. Fleeting mentions of masturbation and sex toys. Swearing. Santi gives the reader tips on how to impress/pick up Frankie, I don’t know if that might come off as shady or triggering to people so I want to mention that.

Bucket of Bolts - Din - @toxic-seduction

summary: The dad and the dog he didn't want but its Din Djarin and a BD unit. warnings: Din being mean to BD. Man is so petty its funny

A girl walks into a bookshop - Ezra - @oonajaeadira

Summary: Set a couple of years after the events of the film. Ezra owns a bookshop. You walk in. Warnings: The coziest, softest romance. They do work up to intimacy, but it is sequestered in it’s own chapter–the “Interlude”–which can be skipped without losing any of the story.

Breathe Through It - Joel - @ezrasversion

Summary: you have a panic attack. Joel helps. Warnings: Descriptions of mental health conditions (namely PTSD, but can be read as any anxiety based disorder with panic attacks) / graphic description of a panic attack / some adult language/ references to past trauma (nothing explicitly described but inferred).

A kiss before dying and in death we combine - Joel - oonajaeadira

Summary: When Joel becomes infected, you make the decision not to leave him alone. Warnings: Blood and wounds. Bodily character death. Loss. Love that hurts. Sex of course, but blurred to the edges. Playing fast and loose with the cordyceps and how fast it grows.

102 - Frankie - @tieronecrush

summary: every week, you and frankie meet up at the same spot at the same time to catch-up and share a coffee. you’ve been his best friend for years. through thick and thin, always there. thing is, frankie’s been in love with you for nearly as long as he’s known you and hasn’t worked up the courage to tell you. warnings: no use of Y/N, post-film timeline, au where frankie doesn’t have a kid, use of pet names (solecita, mi mejor), high school level spanish (mostly swear words), unrequited love, self deprecation, alcohol use/drunkenness, smoking

Safe in my arms - Ezra - mishasminion360

Summary: Ezra harbors a secret hatred for his absent arm, but his feelings come to a head when his newly acquired handicap fails to do the one task he vowed never to fail in: keep you safe from harm. Warnings: Language; light angst; feelings of insecurity; body dysmorphia; brief allusions to smut; hurt/comfort; fluff.

Leave Off Your Wandering - Joel - oonajaeadira

Summary: An area native, long-term resident and shepherd in Jackson, you prefer quiet and isolation and the company of sheep. It seems this new resident Joel Miller and his young ward might share your interests. Warnings: M (possible canon violence and language. most likely non-explicit sex further down the line.) (ed. note; no smut as of chapter 2)

Peace - Joel - swiftispunk

summary: jackson era, post-tlou. you and joel discuss what it means to die. warnings: angst and fluff, discussions of death and dying, discussions of sex but nothing too explicit, age difference implied but not specified (joel is older than you but the number of years is not relevant), established relationship. NO USE OF Y/N.

This is me trying - Joel/Ellie platonic!! - swiftispunk

summary: jackson. a flashback on a film reel sparks a memory. joel tells ellie how it feels. warnings: angst, discussions of child loss, discussions of grief and death, ig fluff

Epiphany - Joel - @jksprincess10

Summary: Your new neighbor is a war veteran with a lot of scars. (1k words) Warnings: AU where Joel is in the military, age gap, PTSD, anxiety, insomnia, allusions to smut, suicidal thoughts, sad ending. Beware!!

Significant - Din - softlyspector

Summary: Din has been calling you riduur for months. You finally find out what it means, and get a little more than you bargained for. Warnings: pining, absolute FOOLS in love, bit of grumpy x sunshine, lil angsty, possibly incorrect lore, fluff, lots of Mando'a (translations for the Mando'a at the end

A pile of cards - Javi P - @undercoverpena

summary: it’s become a tradition. he presents you with a birthday card so you can collect his words, while he collects the expressions you share as you read them. warnings: javi through the seasons, narcos season two/three spoilers. cute, fluff. happy ending.

Fire - Din - jksprincess10

Summary: None Warnings: fluff fluff fluff, mutual pining, idiots in love, this is pretty short, mando still has the crest, canon divergent.

Honeyed - Joel - softlyspector

Summary: You hate being touched, but you might be willing to put aside your discomfort for a tattoo from Joel. Warnings: slow build, no outbreak tattoo!au, reader has issues with touch and is mostly touch adverse, tattoos and getting tattooed (the reader only has one tattoo that is described in any detail), description of a past abusive relationship and a bad experience getting tattooed, insecurity, anxiety, loneliness, implied undefined past trauma with men, Joel gets to have both his daughters in this, you can decide if this is game joel or show joel

The Art of Healing - Marcus Pike - @northernbluess

Summary: Marcus Pike was feeling lost—unfulfilled and unmoored. After a failed marriage, heartbreak courtesy of his ex-fiancée and relocating to D.C., Marcus knew that he needed more than the FBI. Seven years later, Marcus has traded in Special Agent for Doctor and is now a clinical psychologist specialising in art therapy. He combines his two loves of art and psychology, spurred on by his experience in art crimes, FBI psych courses and his own time in therapy. Josephine is referred to Dr Pike, having just been discharged from treatment for an eating disorder. While Dr Pike is fresh to his new career, he is knowledgeable, warm, kind and attentive. Over time, as she bares her soul to him, he falls for her and the bond between them ties both their heads in knots. As her therapist he knows it’s wrong but he begins to feel incapable of separating his feelings from his work. Before long neither can truly live without the other — if only she knew that. Warnings: (warnings will be specified in each individual chapter, however, please read these carefully) Art Therapist!Marcus Pike, eating disorder, therapy, mentions of disordered eating patterns, hurt/comfort, slow burn, lots of pining and tension, angst, age gap, strained familial relationships, so much softness and feelings, eventual smut (ed. note: no smut as of chapter 5 and worth the read up to that point)

The Man That I Love - Joel - @lumoverheaven

Summary: None (ed. note: Joel is an idiot who doesn't know what he has until he almost loses it). Warnings: None (ed. note: angst)

Not Strong Enough - Joel - @beskarandblasters

Summary: Fem!Reader and Joel are in an established relationship, having met shortly after the events in Kansas City. They’re living in Jackson, Wyoming together, post Salt Lake City with Ellie. Things are going well until an incident happens during patrol and Joel questions whether or not he’s good enough. Written in third person. Warnings: angst, feeling inadequate, canon types of violence, swearing, bar fight, Joel is an asshole :/

Halloween - Joel - beskarandblasters

Summary: You’re in a relationship with Joel and living with him and Ellie in Jackson, Wyoming. You met after their stop in Kansas City and started your relationship with Joel soon after. You stayed behind in Jackson when they left to find the Fireflies. When they came back from the events of Salt Lake City you noticed a change in Joel but whenever you question him he shuts down. Now it’s Halloween in Jackson and Joel has some confessions to make. Warnings: angst with a side of angst (I mean it’s Halloween what did you expect), Joel lying, swearing, drinking

Chinese Satellite - Joel - beskarandblasters

Summary: A look into your life after Joel dies and how you're coping Warnings: takes place after Joel goes golfing in the second game, nothing but pure angst, mentions of death, struggling with the ideas of religion, the afterlife, aliens and ghosts (I mean it's Chinese Satellite what did you expect), drinking, struggling with loss and grief, overexercising

Savior Complex - Joel - beskarandblasters

Summary: A few years after the events of Salt Lake City Joel finds the guilt of lying to Ellie eating him alive. The reader is torn between wanting to tell Ellie the truth but also making sure she gets to be a normal teenager. The reader finds herself struggling to keep the three of them afloat. Can be read as a standalone or a continuation of Halloween. Warnings: can be read as a gender neutral reader, angst with a side of angst, both Joel and reader suffer from savior complex lol, drinking, mentions of eating

Do You Love Me - Dieter - me

Summary: here is a fluffy (by my standards) little drabble in the A Ghost of You universe. Can be read standalone Warnings: There's just some kissing and no mentions of anything bad because I'd never do anything bad to D, would I?

Thunder Buddies - Joel - me

Summary: Joel comforting reader who is scared of thunderstorms Warnings: descriptions of a panic attack, Joel being adorable, cuddling, cuteness, a distinct lack of angst or smut - which is really weird coming from me.

Wash Day - Marcus P - @secretelephanttattoo

Summary: Some completely self-indulgent romantic fluff about Marcus Pike washing your hair. Warnings: none

Personal Best - Marcus P - secretelephanttattoo

Summary: This picture of Pedro holding a dog inspired me to write a fluffy meet-cute for Marcus Pike & Reader. I'm feeling 90s romantic comedy vibes, I don't know if I'll write anything more on this but we'll see if people like it. Warnings: none

Context and Perspective - Marcus M - @elvenmother

Summary: The newest member of the Heroics has gone missing and as one of the better-known Villains on the scene, you are blamed. Then your sidekick goes missing. You must go after the Heroic’s leader to try to get them back and clear your name. Warnings: Swearing, mentions of injuries, mentions of blood

A Very Furby Christmas - Joel - @proxima-writes

Summary: it’s christmas eve 1998 and joel miller thinks everything is perfect. well, until his brother admits he didn’t get sarah the one present she wanted - the furby. now, joel has to go out on christmas eve to find the year’s hottest toy that’s been sold out for months. turns out, you’re on the same mission. and you’ve both found the last furby in town. Warnings: pre-outbreak, no use of y/n, holiday/christmas fic, the last toy trope, no smut, age gap - not explicitly specified but joel is 31 and reader is mid-20s, the great miller gingerbread construction competition, operation get sarah miller a furby, some kissing.

The Haunting of Dieter Bravo - Dieter - @idolatrybarbie Summary: "ghosts aren't real, except when they are." Warnings: referenced substance abuse, mentions of alcohol, dieter is sober, one song-based joke (please get it plsplspls), reader is gender neutral, a good ol' haunting tale.

The Locksmith - The Thief - oonajaeadira

Summary: A Thief you’ve known for years and have conflicting feelings for brings you a gift. The gift is a not only a puzzle in itself, but part of a larger mystery, one only you can crack. Warnings: reader is an adult, reader is AFAB, no physical descriptions of reader

A Piece of Cake - Frankie - idolatrybarbie

Summary: It's been a long time since you've seen Frankie Morales. Warnings: Angst, discussion of addiction, mentions of cocaine, alcohol consumption, bowling

The Parents That Are Left - Joel - @frenchiereading

Summary: There weren't many patrol partners Joel Miller tolerated: his brother and Iris. On a cold January day, Joel pays her mother a visit and finds out you can bond over anything. Unfortunately. Warnings: canon-typical violence and language, heavy angst, talks/mentions/descriptions of death and dead bodies, heavy discussions/thoughts of feelings/grief/guilt, suicidal thoughts, alcohol consumption, Jackson-era Joel, no reader, no y/n, OFC, not a single ounce of romance

For the Love of Horror - Dieter - @coulsons-fullmetal-cellist

Summary: Dieter and you watch a scary movie. Warnings: No use of y/n, horror movies, euphemisms, fluff, suggestive language

Stages of Grief - Joel - @bonezone44

Summary: After a tense interaction with a family member who raised you when you were little, you spiral. Joel talks you through it. Warnings: Gender neutral reader, familial trauma, angst, grief, neglect, trauma, childhood emotional/physical abuse

The Riding Lesson - Jack - @bluestar22x

Summary: When you are hired at a ranch as a trail guide, the owner asks the foreman to teach you how to ride Western style. Warnings: Suggestive thoughts, sexual tension, equestrian terms

Frankie and Din - Frankie/Din - @avastrasposts

Summary: a one-shot with our favourite pilot, sweet Frankie and our favourite space boy, broody Din based on the line; "Go on then, space boy, fly this.” Warnings: none

Light Only Shows You Where the Shadow Are - Max Phillips - oonajaeadira

Summary: The only thing that can get rid of a minor jerk is a major jerk. Warnings: Non-consensual attention (not Max), stalker behavior (when there’s trouble, Max always seems to be watching from nearby), vampire violence.

It's always been you - Dieter - @alwaysmicado

Summary: After a year of dating Dieter Bravo, you are forced to face reality. All good things must come to an end, right? Warnings: angst, age gap (unspecified), swearing, brief mention of p in v sex, brief mention of disordered eating and suicide, mention of black eye, toxic relationship, drug use, reader's coping mechanisms are unhealthy

John Wayne - Joel - @ramblers-lets-get-ramblin

Summary: twenty years after the world ended, you find yourself face to face with Tommy Miller. The brother of the man who was your boyfriend at the time of the outbreak. Warnings: talk of attempted suicide, child loss, grief, angst

illicit affairs - Joel @chaotic-mystery

Summary: it’s my take on what illicit affairs means. Every time I listened to it I imagined Joel, specifically dbf Joel. I hope the swifties go *easy* on me and pls don’t say anything if you didn’t like it. Warnings: angst. And more angst. Swearing, forbidden relationship, arguing, fwb, alluded age gap but not specified. Use of nicknames (kid, baby……don’t look at me ok I didn’t do IT), reader is not physically described, no use of y/n.

Stay Close to Me - Jack - @alwaysbethewest

Summary: You're a rookie agent sent to work undercover with Jack as a married couple!Fake/undercover marriage! Statesman casefic! Warnings: A little romance, kissing, coarse language, very mild peril and hurt/comfort, and a splash of alcohol. Reader is a junior agent and has some muscle but otherwise no physical/age descriptions. As with any good Kingsman fic, my first step was to disregard half of canon, so this is either pre-movie or an AU.

To Know the Light - Din - @burntheedges

Summary: to go in the dark with a light is to know the light. Warnings: fluff, a teensy bit of angst, introspection, winter, food mention, reader has no description, gn!reader

O, Christmas Tree - Dieter - @covetyou

Summary: As PA to Dieter Bravo, you were used to the strange, unusual and downright weird. What you weren't used to was taking in a shipment of - what? And how many? Warnings: sex toys (so many butt plugs), Dieter being a menace to his PA, no smut, pure silliness.

In Fiction - Dieter - @sin-djarin

Summary: Dieter comes to bed. Warnings: Established relationship, mentions of self doubt, no physical description of reader, no dialogue, no use of y/n.

The Serpent Under It - Dave York - @brandyllyn

Summary: Dave is very good at his job Warnings: Canon typical violence. kinda dark yo, soulmate AU

I'll Leave a Light On For You - Max Phillips - oonajaeadira

Summary: Max has reservations when it comes to love, and for very good reasons. Warnings: Angst. Character death. Allusions to the atrocities of war and its lasting effects. Max is a vampire. Traumatic soul memory. Me assuming I know anything about French culture of the 1930s.

Cocoon - Joel - secretelephanttattoo

Summary: A short ode to Joel's coat. / a bath with Joel Warnings: Angst and intimacy. 1 reference to blood and allusion to canon typical violence (nothing is described)

Home - Frankie - @dancingtotuyo

Summary: Frankie always comes home to you. Warnings: fluff, angst, girl dad!frankie, recovering!Frankie, references to drug use, references to violence, trauma, healing.

Negotiations - Max Phillips - prolix-yuy

Summary: Max Phillips never found marketing to be all that helpful. Hell, running an ad on Facebook was easy enough. But then you walked in the door and he knew he had to have you, in all the ways he could. Warnings: T, descriptions of male and female bodies, some fantasizing and suggestive themes.

sweets for my sweet; sweets from my sweet - Ezra - @tinytinymenace

Summary: you are a cook at an exploration camp and one of the miners asks you about Earth and brings you a treat Warnings: Brief mentions of planet death (RIP Earth) and strained family dynamics but on balance this is soft.

Caught Kissing Santa - Dave York - @wildemaven

Summary: Alice saw you kissing Santa Claus Warnings: reader is married to Dave and stepmom to his kids, mentions of food and drinks, non-religious Christmas celebrations and Santa beliefs, alluding to sexy time but no smut, kissing, mentions reader is wearing pajama pants, fluff, soft Dave, one use of ‘good girl’.

Unwind - Dieter - @ramblers-lets-get-ramblin

Summary: Dieter helps you unwind when you get your period after an already long day. Warnings: established relationship, reader menstruates, drug use (marijuana), reference to past drug use, reference to bad horror movies, Dieter being our favorite trash panda, sweet, fluff, domesticity

One Night - Marcus P - secretelephantattoo

Summary: You get one night with Marcus Pike. Warnings: Implied/referenced smut but nothing is explicitly described. Smoking and alcohol. Angst because they only have one night together. Marcus is a flirty menace. House party nostalgia. Heavy petting in a stairwell

Lovesick - Joel - prolix-yuy

Summary: You've been greedy for Joel for too long. Warnings: descriptions of wound care and blood, allusions to dubcon due to drinking and drug use, no actual smut

---------------------------------

Happy Reading!

#fic recs #the spreadsheet digest #fanfiction recommendations #pedro pascal #pedro pascal fanfiction #pedro fics #pedro pascal character fanfiction #The spreadsheet Digest Outtakes

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weirdkpopgirl · 10 months

Text

Stronger Together | Haechan Fic #2

Title: Stronger Together

Genre: College AU, exes to lovers (sort of)

Warnings: mentions of mental health issues like anxiety and self-harm, bullying. the story gets very emotional

Word Count: 14k

Author's Note: Omg I've been working on this story for way too long. This has been on the backburner of my drive for months. And somebody sent a request, asking me to write something with Haechan where the reader has a hard time being vulnerable with him. So I thought I might as well finish this story since it fits that request? I apologize for how long and cliché it is. I was also heavily influenced by the k-dramas that take place in universities lol. Thank you guys for reading and I really hope you like it ^^

─❀*̥˚─❀*̥˚─❀*̥˚─❀*̥˚─❀*̥˚─❀*̥˚─❀*̥˚─❀*̥˚─❀*̥˚─❀*̥˚─❀*̥˚─

~ prologue ~

Everything felt like some tragic scene from a romance movie gone wrong. One that left the audience holding their breaths, afraid of what the character’s next move would be. Meeting at a café, the one close to your university. The aroma of fresh coffee filled the air. The dimmed ambiance, as it was no longer daytime. Soft music playing in the background. Then there was you two in the corner of the room. The warm drinks set atop the wooden table remained untouched. The carefree smiles faded gradually.

At last, the silence was broken. When you met his eyes, all the courage you mustered up dispersed. Then the words you never thought you’d hear yourself say fell from your lips.

“Let’s break up.”

The sun receded behind the somber, gray clouds as the storm took hold, leaving behind the absence of the once cherished feelings of warmth and radiance.

▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃

~ chapter one ~

“Yeonsung University’s Hae-Dal Couple Seen Sharing a Cute Moment Before Class,” Jaemin read aloud to the group.

You held back a grimace when you scrolled through the snapshots, most likely taken behind the school bushes. One of Donghyuck gently removing an eyelash off your cheek. One of you smiling fondly at him. One of him giving you an innocent kiss on the forehead. What began as a quiet exchange with your boyfriend had turned into morning gossip eagerly devoured by the students of Yeonsung.

“We look cute don’t we?” Donghyuck proudly swung an arm around your shoulders. Unlike you, he wasn’t bothered by the post at all.

You shrugged in response. “I guess.”

Maybe you were just being sensitive. At the start of university, you had a lot of goals. Study hard, get good grades, and find a nice internship. Love and leisure? Those were not on the list. Yet somehow Lee Donghyuck, one of the most popular freshmen, just had to pursue you out of all the other girls who fawned over him.

A little over half a year has passed since you agreed to be his girlfriend—after numerous rejections, and you still haven’t adapted to your elevated social status. The way everyone stopped to look in awe at the two of you when walking by. How there always seemed to be someone with a phone to capture a single moment of your day and post it to the UniYeon, your college’s community site. The endless stream of comments praising you both as the epitome of couple goals and being jealous over your relationship with the one and only Lee Donghyuck was unrelenting.

Maybe you were crazy for disliking the attention, even though it wasn’t necessarily bad. Being a campus couple—with Lee Donghyuck much less, meant taking all the pressure that came with it. Your boyfriend seemed to have no problem ignoring what everyone else thought. So why was it so hard for you?

“Hey, guys!” Your best friend, Ahryun, snapped you out of your thoughts. “There’s this new fried chicken place that opened nearby. We should check it out. I heard there’s a special discount for university students there.”

Your lips parted, hesitant to respond, as a sense of wariness washed over you. Fortunately, Donghyuck spoke up, saving you both from the need to answer.

“Can’t. (Y/n) and I have a date for our 200-day anniversary,” He said proudly. You couldn’t help but smile when he turned to you with such loving eyes.

Although it felt like the whole university was watching your relationship like it was a reality show, you could handle the inconvenience. The love you had for Donghyuck allowed any wary thoughts to temporarily shift to the back of your mind.

You never pictured yourself dating someone like him, honestly. To say the least, you and he were quite the opposite of each other. He was a social butterfly, who made everyone around him laugh. You were the more reserved type, sticking with small groups of friends, and hiding your face behind the thin rose-gold glasses you always wore. Donghyuck often left you wondering what made him like you in the first place.

The anticipation in Ahryun’s eyes dissolved into disappointment. “Ah, I see. What about you, Jaemin?”

“Sorry, I can’t either. It’s my turn to cook for Jeno and me,” Jaemin replied, rolling his eyes at the mention of his best friend. He peered up from his phone and shifted his attention to the group. “Also, it’s been 200 days already? Time flies.”

You and Donghyuck nodded in agreement. The dark-haired boy leaned back in his seat with a nostalgic look. “Ah, it felt like yesterday when Donghyuck followed (Y/n) around like some lost puppy.”

Ahryun set her chin on the palm of her hand. “How did you handle him, (Y/n)-ah?”

“He just grew on me, I guess,” You shrugged, turning to look at the boy who gave unamused looks to the two people sitting across from you.

You reached your hand out to gently pet his head. “And it turned out he was very sweet and cute.”

Cliché words like this were rare from you. But seeing the pleased smile on Donghyuck’s face was sort of worth the minor embarrassment.

“See? (Y/n) loves me, thank you very much.” He childishly stuck his tongue out at your friends, earning a head shake from them. He stood up and offered his hand so you could walk out together.

“Now if you excuse us, we have a reservation to prepare for.”

▃▃▃

Despite being seated not long ago, the fluttery feeling in your stomach had yet to leave you. Since you had planned your 100-Day anniversary date, Donghyuck took responsibility for this one. That’s how you find yourself at a classy Italian restaurant. When looking at the other tables, you felt underdressed in your powder blue dress that was quite plain.

“How did you find this place?” You asked conscientiously.

A part of you wanted to ask if you guys could afford this place, considering you were broke college students. But you didn’t want to cause any tension when his effort into planning this special day was clear.

He casually glanced up from the menu in his hands. For a moment you forgot you were also holding one. “I just came across it, when I was searching for restaurants we should try someday. This one has the rose pasta you like.”

“Oh, really?”

Finally, your eyes dropped down to your own menu. The slight nervousness you had began to fade as a small smile stretched across your lips.

You loved witnessing the rare moments where your boyfriend’s subtle consideration peeked through. He often pretended not to pay attention when you talked about a food you liked or an activity you’ve always wanted to try. But in reality, he secretly saved those small details in his pocket for future surprises. Honestly, you were lucky to be one of the few people to see this side of Donghyuck.

Once you adjusted to the new setting, dinner with Donghyuck was quite delightful. Dates with him often started with feelings of nervousness and hesitation. But Donghyuck’s humor and charm always managed to melt away your anxiety. It was in those times when you allowed yourself to relax and enjoy the present moment.

During the date, the topic of conversation mainly revolved around school. Since his major was music production and yours was creative writing, your schedules didn’t align. Some may hate the distance throughout the day, but you and Donghyuck truly didn’t mind.

Though the boy occasionally complained about how he missed you, having something to talk about when you were together was nice. You loved listening to him share his experiences, and learn about the classes he was taking. Donghyuck always had the most amusing stories about something that happened to him or one of his friends.

The bright blue sky disappeared as the evening settled in, just as your dinner came to a close. You may or may not have reprimanded Donghyuck when he went to the “bathroom,” but instead paid for the meal at the counter.

“We could’ve split the check.” You crossed your arms in disapproval.

Knowing how stubborn your boyfriend could be, chastising him was futile. Yet you still did it. Which caused you to insist, “At least let me pay for drinks later.”

“Deal,” The boy agreed. “But before we go, I have a little something for you.”

Unsure of what to expect, you eyed him curiously as he reached into his jacket pocket. He brought out a cream-colored box and pushed the small item toward you.

“Open it.”

Hesitantly, you took the box in with one hand and opened it with the other. The slightly smug smile on his face changed to one of satisfaction when you gasped.

Inside the box revealed a necklace and not just any necklace—one with a sterling silver chain, and a crescent moon pendant made of white gold. Instantly, you recognized the gift as a reference to your couple name, Hae-Dal. That was what your fellow peers started calling the two of you at the beginning of your relationship. This given title was probably the only thing you honestly didn’t hate about being a campus couple.

Hae was a word for sun, and dal meant moon. Donghyuck was the sun because of his bright and extroverted nature. On the other hand, the moon represented your cold and pessimistic demeanor. Despite your contrasting personalities, the balance between you two was nothing short of marvelous.

“Hyuck, you shouldn’t have…”

Leaning back in his seat, the grin on his face didn’t leave. “I know. I’m amazing aren’t I?”

His teasing response was out of instinct. However, it was also his way of covering up the warm sensation that filled his heart when you called him by his nickname. You were the only person who did.

“It’s perfect. Thank you, really,” You breathed, allowing yourself to smile at him.

Before you guys parted ways for the night, Donghyuck didn’t let you leave without helping you put on the necklace. You couldn’t control the blush on your cheeks when his fingers grazed your neck as he connected the clasp. Especially when he used his other hand to cup the side of your face to bring you closer to him. His lips connected to yours in one of the most tender kisses he’s ever given. The exchange left you feeling as though time had stopped and nothing else in the world mattered.

“I love you, (Y/n). Let’s stay together forever.” His tone was lighthearted. However, the intensity of his gaze and the unmistakable spark in his eyes revealed just how deeply committed he was.

Agreeing wholeheartedly, you gently pressed your forehead against his and whispered. “Yes, let’s do that.”

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~ chapter two ~

For once, all of the negative thoughts in your mind quieted down. Despite having to wake up early for class, you felt more cheerful than usual. Even Ahryun noticed you had more energy today. The two of you met up in the library to do some homework.

“Okay, you’ve been acting like some lovestruck teenager all morning.” She gave you a weird look. “All because of Lee Donghyuck?”

You glanced up from the notes you were taking and smiled sheepishly. “Is it that obvious?”

Ahryun nodded and gestured to your neck. “Very. Did he give you that necklace?”

Almost instinctively, your hand reached to hold the pendant. You hadn’t taken it off since last night. Which was outstanding, considering you rarely wore jewelry.

“Wah, Donghyuck must really like you,” Ahryun smiled. “I wish I had a boyfriend to buy me expensive gifts.”

You shook your head. “That’s not why I like him though. The more I get to know Donghyuck, the more I see what a thoughtful person he is.”

Ahryun’s eyes widened with interest. “Tell me more about him.”

Out of habit, you folded your arms self-consciously when she leaned forward on the table. Maybe your lack of experience in relationships was the reason it felt so weird to talk about, now that you were actually in one. Back in high school, Ahryun was the one who’d be going on and on about her past boyfriends. You were pretty sure all the boys in your grade crushed on her at least once.

A part of you used to envy her. Ahryun had the type of beauty that didn’t require much effort. She always had the best features, the best fashion sense, and the best social skills. Once you started university, you thought Ahryun would end up being one of those campus couples. So even now, you were still surprised how things were the other way around.

“We’ve been dating for almost seven months now. But it feels like he and I have known each other forever,” You spoke honestly, twirling a pencil in your left hand. “I’ve been thinking about this for a while now, but I’m ready to open up to Donghyuck about…you know.”

The intrigued expression on Ahryun’s face disappeared. “Oh (Y/n), are you still…?”

A part of you wanted to hide under the table when her eyes darted to your right arm. Despite it being fully concealed by your white sweater, you instinctively pulled the sleeve down further out of paranoia. Almost no one knew about the dark secret that hid beneath the fabric.

Ahryun was the only person at the university who knew about your history of mental illness. Due to the toxic environment, you grew up in, you’ve always been an anxious child. As you matured, you constantly doubted yourself, convinced that you were merely fabricating everything within your own mind. It wasn’t until high school that those insecurities sought to completely destroy you.

The present you still hated yourself. But back then, the self-hatred stored inside of you was immense. Eventually, a box cutter came into your possession. Tenth grade was the beginning of your long, messy history with self-harm. Things got so bad in the last year of high school that you recklessly ran into a busy street. You could still hear the sound of the car horns blaring.

Unfortunately, your attempt to end your life failed. Your actions led to an unwelcome reputation that spread like wildfire through the entire school. You became labeled as the "crazy suicide girl," attracting gawking students in the hallways and the judgmental gazes of teachers. Amidst this turmoil, Ahryun remained steadfast as your true friend, standing unwaveringly by your side, providing much-needed support throughout it all.

After going through that trauma, you knew that anxiety would be a lifelong battle for you. But since starting university, you were in a far better place than you were at seventeen years old.

“I haven’t done it since I met Donghyuck,” You answered honestly. “But I still think he deserves to know, don’t you think?”

Ahryun leaned back in her chair and crossed her arms, pondering on how to respond.

“To be honest, I don’t think telling him is a good idea.”

Confusion crossed your eyes. “Why?”

“Most guys leave their girlfriends right away when they find out they’re…mentally ill,” Ahryun slowly explained. “I wouldn’t be surprised if Donghyuck walked out on you right after you told him.”

The small bubble of optimism in you burst. You have heard stories in relation to what Ahryun was talking about.

“But not all men are like that, right? Donghyuck isn’t the type to--”

Ahryun cut you off quickly and exhaled in frustration. “Seven months might seem long because this is your first relationship, (Y/n). Donghyuck might not get angry now if you tell him about your anxiety. But he’ll eventually get tired of helping you, and leave. Do you want that?”

No, that was the last thing you wanted. Ahryun was right. Your relationship with Donghyuck was the longest you’ve experienced, but it was also the only one. Though you knew him well now, there was no way of knowing what he might be like in the coming years.

“Besides, Donghyuck is a busy person,” Ahryun continued. “He has to balance his studies with all the clubs he’s in, and his internship. Telling him his girlfriend has anxiety would just add more stress to his life.”

Your friend’s words left a sting in your heart. But you found yourself agreeing with her. You knew—possibly better than anyone, how much he had on his plate lately. On top of all that, he managed to make time for you too. Maybe you were being too selfish.

“Yeah…I don’t know what I was thinking.” You brushed the conversation off. “Just forget I said anything.”

When you defeatedly went back to taking notes, you missed the satisfied smirk on your best friend’s face.

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~ chapter three ~

Even though a few days had passed, that conversation with Ahryun kept replaying in your head. You felt like an ongoing battle was being fought internally. Your heart wanted to open up to Donghyuck. But your brain kept reminding you of Ahryun’s warnings. You hated yourself for overthinking things like this.

Your distraction left you a little dazed, and you found yourself zoning out throughout the day. In chemistry class, you made a conscious effort to push those bothersome thoughts aside. You listened attentively when the senior TA, Jaehyun explained today's lab procedures at the start of class.

Fortunately, you had Huang Renjun as your lab partner. He appeared to know what he was doing, a lot better than you did. At the beginning of the semester, the two of you were both a little shy and kept to yourselves. It wasn’t until you met him outside of class that you became more acquainted with the male. Coincidentally, Renjun turned out to be your boyfriend’s roommate and good friend. So the two of you naturally became closer after discovering this mutual connection.

“I think we’re almost finished.” Renjun’s gentle voice stole your attention away from the data table in front of you.

You tried to hold your pen steadily, watching him carefully mix the measured solutions into one beaker. Once he did, you quickly wrote down your observations in a lab journal. Thanks to Renjun, your experiment for the day ran pretty smoothly.

It wasn’t until after completing the lab that something went wrong. While Renjun was washing his hands, you took it upon yourself to return the supplies you guys used. The class was bustling around, cleaning up their stations. You gripped the slightly heavy tray in your hands tightly, trying to not let the crowded environment overwhelm you.

Jaehyun, looking to offer some assistance, came up from behind you. “Do you need help (Y/n)—”

You jumped at the sudden sound of the TA’s deep voice, and the tray in your hands dropped onto the floor with a clang, shattering a beaker in the process. A not-so-nice word immediately shot into your mind thereafter. You could already feel the stares of other students and tried to ignore them.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you!” Jaehyun quickly apologized, seeming just as alarmed as you were.

You shook your head with a faint smile, and instinctively bent down to clean up the broken pieces of glass. “N-no it’s my fault, Sunbae. I should’ve been more careful.”

Jaehyun took a step back when Renjun rushed to your side with an apprehensive expression.

“Wait (Y/n), don’t use your bare hands to clean that. You’re going to hurt yourself,” Renjun said, reaching his hand out to stop you.

It was only after you registered his warning that you caught sight of crimson spots on your lab coat. You glanced down to see the palm of her hand bleeding profusely from a small cut. The previous shard of the glass must’ve been sharper than you anticipated.

Renjun cursed when he saw. “Oh no, that looks bad.”

Your brain went into panic mode when he took your hand to examine it. In doing so, your sleeve was accidentally pushed up, revealing several faded pink lines just below your wrist. Immediately, you tried to pull your arm away. But the look of dismay in Renjun’s eyes told you it was too late.

Before you could say anything, Renjun’s hand delicately enclosed around your wrist so that no one else would see what he saw. He cleared his throat and turned to Jaehyun.

“Sunbae, is it okay if I take (Y/n) to the nurse’s office?”

Jaehyun’s eyes flickered between you and Renjun, then gave a brisk nod. “Yes, take her. Make sure (Y/n)’s hand is properly cleaned and bandaged.”

“Don’t worry Sunbae, I’ll take care of her.” Renjun bobbed his head. “Let’s go, (Y/n).”

As Renjun escorted you out of the room, your front teeth anxiously sank into your lower lip. Neither of you said anything on the walk to the nurse’s office. Renjun politely asked the nurse for a first-aid kit. After obtaining it, he brought you to a secluded area to tend to your cut.

The silence between you continued, as he meticulously wiped the blood from your palm with a damp cloth. You had to use a great amount of willpower to prevent yourself from flinching as he applied ointment to the cut and then proceeded to bandage it.

Your breathing quickened when you felt his hand come in contact with your wrist. It was evident that he wanted to investigate further into what he saw earlier.

“Renjun, please.” You put your hand over his. “You don’t want to see them.”

Renjun’s eyes brimmed with melancholy. He’s never heard your voice sound so…fragile. Actually, he wasn’t certain if anyone had seen this side of you.

“You can trust me, (Y/n). I just want to make sure you’re okay,” he spoke with reassurance.

You withdrew for a moment, debating whether or not to let him see. After taking a deep breath, you slowly rolled up your sleeve, revealing the marks which varied in different shades of pink and white.

The composed expression on Renjun’s face contorted into one of shock, an expected reaction that failed to quell the fear coursing through your veins. His fingers brushed over the scars, as he inspected them with a non-judgemental gaze.

But his words were still laced with worry. “(Y/n) these are…”

“Please don’t tell Donghyuck,” You cut him off with a whisper.

Renjun’s brows knit together. “He doesn’t know about this?”

“He can’t.” Your head shook hastily. “If he finds out, he’ll see the truth and realize how crazy I am. He’ll leave me.”

The look in Renjun’s eyes softened as he placed a comforting hand on your shoulder.

“Listen to me, (Y/n). I don’t know what you’re struggling with. But I know that Donghyuck would never leave you for something like this. He’ll want to help and support you.”

You let Renjun's encouragement sink into your head. Could it be true that Donghyuck wouldn’t judge if he found out this dark secret of yours? Or would it be wiser to pay attention to Ahryun’s advice, and keep it to yourself like you were used to?

“I…I just don’t know.” Your voice faltered.

Renjun gave you an understanding smile. “You should tell him when you’re ready.”

You let out a shaky breath, allowing the weight of the conversation to settle on your chest. A part of you wanted to believe Renjun was right about all of this. After a moment of silence, you glanced up and gestured to your wrapped-up hand.

“Thank you. I’m sorry you had to see all this,” you said, feeling a twinge of guilt.

Before you could add anything, Renjun embraced you in a warm hug, catching you off guard. His actions came as a surprise, given that he was typically the least physically affectionate person in your friend group.

“Don’t apologize. You’re my friend too, Kang (Y/n), and I’m here for you.”

You had to force yourself to look up at the bland ceiling to keep the tears at bay. But just as they began to prick the corner of your eyes, the sound of sneakers creaking against the floor stole your attention. Both of your heads turned to see a light-haired boy dashing down the hallway.

“Yah, Kang (Y/n)!”

You sprang away from Renjun’s arms and checked to make sure your scars were concealed before standing up. Donghyuck’s sprint came to a stop and his eyes widened with panic as he saw your bandaged hand.

“I was so worried when Jaehyun Hyung told me what happened. Are you okay?” He moved towards you, immediately pulling you into his embrace.

You released a small breath, surrendering to the comfort of Donghyuck's embrace. Even though you would never confess it, his hugs were always a source of warmth and tenderness that could soothe any pain. It was in moments like these when you cherished his comfort. Even if he didn’t know what was going on.

“It’s just a scratch, Hyuck. I’m sorry for worrying you,” You insisted, glancing at Renjun with a pleading look.

Renjun understood you were silently asking him not to say anything. Honestly, his care for your mental state made him not want to listen to you. But at the same time, he knew he had to respect your decisions.

After a few moments, Donghyuck pulled away to gently place his hand over the left side of your face. His eyes searched yours momentarily, before dropping down to your right hand.

You held it up for him to see. “Renjun helped wrap it up for me. So I’ll be fine.”

The tension in Donghyuck’s shoulders lessened a bit. He gave his friend an appreciative smile. “Thanks for looking after her, Renjun-ah.”

“Anytime,” Renjun hummed. He grabbed his bag and closed the first aid kit. “I have to go return this. See you guys later, take care (Y/n).”

Once Renjun left, Donghyuck focused his attention back on you. He used the soft padding of his thumb to gently caress your cheek.

“Are you sure you’re alright?” He asked with a slight pout.

You nodded and squeezed his hand reassuringly. It was endearing to see how worried Donghyuck was for you, and almost sickeningly sweet. You weren’t even that injured, but he still ran out of class. His actions only made you feel more loved.

However, Renjun's words from earlier lingered in your mind, and you realized that Donghyuck was your safe haven in moments like these. Although Ahryun's words still weighed heavily on you, you knew you couldn't keep your secret from Donghyuck any longer. He cared for you deeply, and as your significant other, he deserved to know.

▃▃▃

Later that day, Donghyuck and you decided to head back to your apartment. After an hour of studying, he suggested getting some takeout and continuing the drama series you’ve both been hooked on. The two of you sat at the far end of the sofa, snuggling underneath a fluffy white blanket.

As you rested your head against your boyfriend’s chest, you had to admit that being in his arms felt especially comforting that night. With the events of the day still weighing on you, the steady rhythm of Donghyuck’s heartbeat provided a soothing backdrop and eased the tension in your body.

Toward the second half of the episode, the female lead got into a heated argument with her boyfriend. The tension had risen after she reluctantly revealed her ex had been engaging in abrasive behavior in a poor attempt to win her back.

“How long has this been going on for?” The man looked at her with a betrayed expression.

The woman crossed her arms insecurely and replied hesitantly. “The past two months.”

“Why did you wait so long to say something?” He demanded, slamming his wine glass on the table.

“Because I knew you’d react like this!” She retorted, frustration flashing in her eyes.

The man scoffed in disbelief, running his fingers through his hair. “That’s not good enough! You shouldn’t have kept this from me.”

A feeling of unease filled you, as you witnessed the man stand up and storm out of the restaurant. You subtly glanced up at Donghyuck, wondering what he thought about the scene.

“Do you think he was overreacting?” You asked softly.

Donghyuck tilted his head slightly, “Yeah, a little. But I understand why he’s upset at her for hiding something like that.”

“Well, I think she just didn’t want to worry him.” Your voice trailed off.

“I get that,” He said. “But he’s her partner, and keeping secrets from one another will only hurt their relationship.

“What would you do if I was keeping a secret?” You questioned hypothetically. “Like if I didn’t say anything because I thought it might hurt you?”

Donghyuck paused for a moment before answering honestly. “I would be more hurt if you didn’t trust me enough to be truthful. It’s important that we share things, even if it may be hard to hear at times.”

Listening to your boyfriend’s thoughts only caused a small knot of apprehension to form in your stomach.

“You wouldn’t judge me or abandon me if I confided in you then?” You hoped he couldn’t hear the timidity in your voice.

He brushed a loose strand of hair behind your ear. The touch he left sent a tingling sensation down your spine. “Never. Whatever you’d be going through, I’d be by your side.”

You felt something catch in your throat as his sweet words sank in. When you first met, Donghyuck’s humorous behavior made you think he never took anything seriously. But talking to him now, you didn’t think you’d encountered a person who was more genuine than he was.

Taking his response as a confirmation to trust him, a rare feeling of determination consumed you. Reluctantly, you removed yourself from the comfort of Donghyuck’s arms and turn to face him.

“Actually Donghyuck, can I tell you something?”

A gentle concern filled the sun-kissed boy’s eyes as he sat up with you. His hand already reached out to grab your bandaged one, quelling the nerves that had quickly built up inside of you.

“Of course, Jagiya,” He responded patiently. “Whatever it is, I’m here to listen.”

You couldn’t think of a better moment to let Lee Donghyuck fully into your heart. The fear of what might or might not happen was not going to hold you back this time. He waited patiently, as you mentally pieced together what you were about to say. Your heart felt like it was about to jump out of your chest, but you tried to shake off the feeling. You haven’t been this nervous since the first time Donghyuck confessed to you.

After releasing a single deep breath, your lips parted to speak. “Hyuck there’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you—”

However, your sentence was cut off by the sound of the front door being unlocked. Bursting through the door came your roommate, Yuna, her eyes wide with panic. Her ragged breathing made it evident she had rushed over here.

“Eonni, have you seen the latest post on UniYeon?”

The mention of Yeonsung’s community site left you puzzled, your brows furrowing in bewilderment. You and your boyfriend exchanged looks of confusion.

“What are you talking about?” You tried to appear composed and unbothered by the disruption. When in reality, you were just trying to conceal the growing unease within you.

Yuna kicked off her sneakers before walking across the room. She pulled out her phone to show what she was referring to.

“I was studying in the library with my friends and some guys were talking about an article posted about you…”

Donghyuck leaned in beside you to catch a glimpse. His actions prompted you to narrow your eyes in an attempt to decipher the tiny black Korean characters at the top of the screen. The headline read, Kang (Y/n) Spotted Holding Hands with Huang Renjun!

You blinked a few times, wondering if you were hallucinating for a second. But the accusing words didn’t disappear. You tried to search for the name of the student who wrote this. But the post was anonymous.

“What the hell?” Donghyuck hastily grabbed the phone.

He scrolled down, revealing photos of you and Renjun in the hall earlier that day. The hall was usually empty, which made the situation look suspicious. The angles at which the photos were taken created an illusion that you were holding the boy’s hand as he knelt in front of you. When in reality, Renjun was only tending to the cut on your palm.

“This is ridiculous. How can anyone believe this crap?” He scoffed.

“Are you okay Eonni?” Your roommate’s voice was barely audible to you. An overwhelming feeling of dread was already beginning to consume you.

But you managed to plaster on a light-hearted smile. “It’s fine, Yuna. Thanks for letting me know.”

Yuna gave you an apologetic look as she accepted her phone back before excusing herself from the room. After she left, you reached for your laptop to pull up the article and stopped at the comment section.

What an ungrateful b*tch! How dare she cheat on Lee Donghyuck?!

Omo, who does she think she is, going after her boyfriend’s close friend?

Aish, it’s always the sneaky quiet ones that are the devils in disguise.

Donghyuck put his hand over yours before you could scroll any further. Despite the anger simmering about the situation, he recognized the difficult position you were put in.

“Don’t listen to the garbage spewing out of their mouths.” He said firmly, closing the laptop. “We both know the truth, and that’s all that matters.”

“But still…I should’ve been more careful,” You muttered warily, running your fingers through your hair.

He quickly reached to take your hand in his. “Hey, none of this is your fault, (Y/n)-ah. Don’t waste your energy on people who have nothing better to do than spread rumors.”

Your shoulders sank, taking in his words. His response was so natural and confident, leaving you in awe by how he didn’t place any blame on you.

“Yeah, you’re right.” You return to your previous cuddling position and rest your head on his chest.

You felt the boy smile as his arms encircled your waist. “Oh, right. Weren’t you going to tell me something?”

Your mind raced back to what the two of you were talking about earlier. Hesitation filled you, and that small bout of courage you had was gone.

“Oh—um, it can wait,” You brushed him off.

Donghyuck noticed your gaze shift downward, and he was about to encourage you to just tell him whatever it was right then. But then you snuggled closer to him, gently squeezing his waist.

“I just want to stay like this for a little longer,” You murmured into his t-shirt, trying to push away all the bad thoughts.

His heart quickened, and he couldn’t stop the stupid grin that formed. He wondered how someone could possibly be this adorable. While a part of him was still curious about what you were saying earlier, he was content with having you in his arms for now.

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~ chapter four ~

Ahryun glanced at her reflection on her phone screen anticipatingly, as she stood under the camellia tree at the heart of the campus. Earlier this morning, Donghyuck asked if they could meet up. Receiving a text from the popular male was enough to make her heart skip a beat. Her mind instantly overflowed with all the possible reasons why he asked to meet her. Fortunately, she didn’t have to wait long, as he showed up in his favorite blue drawstring hoodie and a pair of black ripped jeans.

“Hey, thanks for responding so fast.” He quickly greeted her.

“Of course. What did you want to talk to me about?” She asked sweetly.

Donghyuck was too distracted to notice the dreamy smile that graced Ahryun’s lips. He wasted no time in getting to the point. “It’s just…(Y/n). You saw the post yesterday, right?”

“I did,” Ahryun slowly answered. Her smile faded as a tinge of disappointment quickly clouded her previously optimistic disposition.

“People have been making a lot of stupid comments,” he male shook his head. “And even though she might pretend to be okay, I know this is affecting her. So I wanted to ask if you could keep her occupied?”

“Keep her occupied?”

Donghyuck’s eyes fell to the ground, before nodding. “I wish I could be with her, but my internship is today. And I thought since you’re her best friend, you could try to distract her from looking at her phone too much?”

Ahryun inhaled, trying to suppress her outrage. She should’ve known he would bring up her. What was so great about you that made Donghyuck feel like he needed to protect you from the real world?

Holding back the urge to scoff, Ahryun masked her emotions behind a forced smile.

“Silly, I was already planning to take her out today,” She said. “But I would’ve done so even if you didn’t ask me to.”

The boy in front of her visibly relaxed, a look of relief washing over his face. “Yeokshi, Min Ahryun. I knew I could count on you.”

Her heart fluttered when he gave her an appreciative smile. He certainly wasn’t one of Yeonsung’s prince charmings for no reason.

Donghyuck checked his watch and let out a soft curse under his breath. “I gotta go. My class starts in 11 minutes.”

Ahryun nodded understandingly before holding her hand out to stop him from leaving.

“Honestly, I’ve been worried about (Y/n) too, and not just because of the community post,” She admitted.

He turned to her with a confused look and waited for her to continue. She hesitated briefly before speaking up.

“She got diagnosed with anxiety last year. But I’m sure you already knew, right?”

His heart instantly sank to his stomach upon this revelation. A part of him wanted to believe Ahryun was joking. But you had been acting strange yesterday. Was this what you were trying to tell him about?

Ahryun fought back a sly grin, finding it hard to contain her amusement at his dismay. She pretended to be shocked with a feigned gasp. “Oh my, she probably didn’t want you to find out. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said anything.”

“Anxiety? She didn’t…she never said…”

Your friend grabbed his wrist in panic. "Please, Donghyuck-ah, you can't let her know that I told you. It's a sensitive topic for her, and she must have hidden it from you for a reason."

Based on the dumbfounded expression on his face, it was evident that the boy was rendered speechless. Ahryun had achieved the exact reaction she wanted. Donghyuck would never see you as that sweet and shy girl anymore. You resembled a fragile Jenga tower, seemingly growing taller. But it would only take a single block for you to collapse.

▃▃▃

You had thought about skipping class today. However, the rational part of your brain that wouldn’t allow anything to disrupt your academic focus, screamed a resounding “no” to you. Donghyuck offered to walk you to class, not wanting you to go alone. But you kindly declined, knowing his class was on the opposite side of campus. You weren’t going to trouble him with the extra distance.

However, the regret of that decision slowly crept up on you as soon as you set foot on campus. You didn't know what part of you believed you could handle the relentless gazes and barely restrained whispers all by yourself. Each passing minute in class felt like an eternity, with lingering glances directed your way. You felt as though you were under a microscope, a new specimen being scrutinized.

You released a quiet sigh, redirecting your focus to the professor's lecture. Aware that this was your last class for the day, you reminded yourself that enduring it for a mere fifty minutes was manageable.

However, by the time the lecture was over, you had barely taken five steps when the buzzing of your phone disrupted your escape plan. Letting out a small sigh, you reached into your bag to take out the cellular device. The notification turned out to be a text from Ahryun four minutes ago. She had sent a message asking if you were out of class and wanted to meet up after.

On any other occasion, you would have readily agreed. But in that particular moment, all you wanted to do was retreat to the comfort of your apartment. You began to type a polite decline to her, as you made your way out of class. Coincidentally, the male you were currently caught up in a scandal with, approached you.

“Hey, can we talk for a second?” He spoke in a hushed tone.

You mentally groaned at the icy reception students gave when they saw the two of you in the same place. Although you were pretty sure you were the one they were rolling their eyes at. Renjun shot a condescending glare at anyone who looked for too long.

After moving outside, Renjun let out a heavy sigh. “I’m really sorry about this, (Y/n). It’s unbelievable that someone would take photos of us like that.”

“You don’t need to apologize,” You replied with a faint smile. “Remember the threats I received when Donghyuck and I first started dating? I should be used to this by now.”

Your boyfriend’s roommate glanced at you with a mixture of concern and frustration in his eyes. “But that doesn’t make it right. Especially when it comes to invading your privacy and spreading rumors,” He deadpanned.

You didn't anticipate Renjun being just as furious as Donghyuck about the situation. It warmed your heart to know that you had people in your life who cared deeply for you and were ready to stand up for you. It made you wish you could be as strong-minded as them.

Just as you were about to respond, your conversation was abruptly cut short.

"There you are, Kang (Y/n). I've been looking for you!" You turned towards Ahryun, who was swiftly making her way down the hallway towards you and Renjun.

“Oh sorry. I was just about to answer your text,” You said sheepishly, rubbing the back of your neck.

A look of understanding flashed in her eyes before she noticed Renjun standing beside you. She warily gestured between the two of you with her finger. “Won’t it be suspicious if people see you together right now? Unless you guys are actually…”

“No, it’s not like that,” You stopped her from finishing her sentence, your brows furrowing in puzzlement. Did she seriously believe that you and Renjun would go behind Donghyuck’s back like that?

Renjun promptly came to your defense. “Yeah, I was just checking if (Y/n) was alright.”

The slightest trace of irritation could be heard in his voice as if he felt no need to provide Ahryun with an explanation when nothing was going on.

In response, Ahryun chuckled and playfully tapped you on the arm. "Wow, you two got so serious all of a sudden. I was just teasing," she said with a lighthearted tone.

You breathed a small sigh of relief, silently reprimanding yourself for entertaining the thought that your closest friend would think so low of you.

“I was thinking we should go see a movie today,” She said, linking her arm through yours.

To which you responded with a hesitant expression, contemplating the idea. “I don’t know…I kind of just want to go home.”

“Oh come on, going out on a day like this will help take your mind off things,” Ahryun persisted. “You can join us if you’d like Renjun-ssi.”

Renjun declined with a polite smile, “Thanks, but I’m supposed to meet up with my group for a project this evening. You guys have fun though.”

You nodded understandingly, giving a friendly wave to Renjun before Ahryun took the lead, guiding you away.

▃▃▃

You zoned out during the movie, barely noticing when it reached its conclusion. Your mind seemed elsewhere, and you were only vaguely aware of the film coming to an end. Ahryun went to get a refill on her drink, while you waited for her near the entrance doors.

“(Y/n)?” A voice called out, capturing your attention. As you turned, your gaze fell upon a boy wearing a black hoodie adorned with a charming cat design. He was holding a half eaten bucket of popcorn.

“Oh hi, Jeno. What are you doing here?”

Jeno approached you with a friendly smile in return. “Jaemin dragged me here to watch this action movie with him. How about you?”

“I came here with Ahryun,” You replied. Jeno nodded in acknowledgment.

“How are you and Donghyuck?” He asked. “I heard you two recently celebrated your 200-day anniversary.”

You couldn't help but blush at the mention of such a seemingly trivial milestone. “It’s not that big of a deal,” You said, lowering your gaze.

“Well, I’d say reaching day 200 with Lee Donghyuck is quite an achievement. His relationships in high school barely made it past 20 days,” Jeno teasingly remarked, earning a laugh from you.

Jeno laughed along with you before adding, “But seriously, Donghyuck is lucky to have you. You guys have something special.”

His words carried a genuine warmth, which you appreciated. It surprised you every time when one of Donghyuck’s friends showed genuine acceptance toward you. They had been so quick to welcome you into their friend group when you two first started dating.

“Thanks, Jeno,” you said, hoping he could feel the sincerity in your words.

Why should you care about the opinions of others when you had all the encouragement you needed? The unwavering support from Donghyuck's friends and the strength of your bond with him made any external judgments or remarks seem insignificant.

▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃

~ chapter five ~

"Okay, you have got to be kidding me," you groaned in frustration as you glanced at your phone.

The sight that greeted you was a series of pictures of you and Jeno from the other day, and now the online community site was blowing up with speculation. The comments were even worse than the last time. Before you could go down a rabbit hole of scrolling, Donghyuck swiftly snatched your phone out of your grasp.

“Hyuck,” you softly protested, extending your hand to retrieve your phone back. But he pulled his arm back, keeping the device out of reach.

“Nope.” He shook his head. “I’m confiscating this for today.”

“But–”

Donghyuck placed a quick peck on your lips before you could finish that sentence. “You shouldn’t care about what they think, babe.”

He glanced back at the article with an annoyed sigh. He didn’t understand why people were going after you. Couldn’t they just leave your relationship alone?

“Are you alright, though?” He asked, placing a hand over yours.

You nodded, “Of course I am.”

Of course, you were lying. The recent posts and the increased gossip bothered you more than they should. A part of you blamed yourself for all this happening. But you couldn’t tell Donghyuck that. Worrying him wasn’t going to make things better.

“Well if you are struggling, you can tell me okay?” He gave your hand a gentle squeeze.

For some reason, you sensed a subtle undercurrent of concern in his words. But you brushed it off as your tendency to overthink things, convincing yourself it was nothing.

Later that day, you were hanging out at Ahryun’s apartment. You lay flat on the floor in her bedroom, staring up at the ceiling while countless thoughts swam in your head.

“I just don’t understand why this keeps happening,” you sighed, venting your frustrations. “It’s like no matter where I go, someone is watching.”

Ahryun cast a glance back at you through her vanity mirror. "Someone must really not want you two together.”

“You think?” You frowned.

A lot of people didn’t like you being with Donghyuck. But whoever kept posting photos of you on the community site was clearly targeting you, leaving you apprehensive about the situation.

“Well I’m sure there are plenty of girls who find it difficult to accept you and Donghyuck being together,” Ahryun spoke nonchalantly, as she picked out a pink lip tint to wear. “They just can’t stand the fact that the popular and charming Lee Donghyuck is with someone so different.”

You pondered whether you truly were that different as Ahryun said. Sure, you might not come from a privileged background or possess the most striking physical appearance. You were ordinary, just like everyone else. What was so wrong about that?

“But seriously, you shouldn’t let it bother you (Y/n). There will always be people who will hate on you,” Ahryun said.

“Yeah you’re right…”

She did have a valid point. As long as you remained a college student navigating a judgmental society, criticism would inevitably be a part of your experience. Dwelling on it wasn’t going to get you anywhere.

Letting out a sigh, you sat up and directed your gaze towards the clock on Ahryun's nightstand, realizing the time.

"Hey, can I borrow your phone for a moment?" you asked, breaking the silence. "I should message Donghyuck to let him know I'm here."

"Of course," Ahryun smiled warmly, extending her hand to pass you the device.

Mouthing a quick thank-you, you received Ahryun's phone and swiftly began searching for your boyfriend's contact information. Just as you located his number, a notification popped up, drawing your attention. Your curiosity piqued, you briefly glanced at the preview, which read: "Someone commented on your post, 'Kang (Y/n) Seen Out with Lee Jeno at the Movies'." Having a weird feeling, you clicked on the notification, leading you to the UniYeon app. Scrolling up, your disbelief grew as you discovered that Ahryun…was the owner of the post

Overwhelmed, you decided to investigate further and opened her photo gallery. To your astonishment, you discovered numerous pictures of you and Renjun, followed by images of you and Jeno.

No, you couldn’t fathom this. Ahryun was your closest friend. She was someone you trusted wholeheartedly. She would never…

"Ahryun... what is all this?" you asked, confusion evident in your voice. A part of you desperately hoped that none of this could be true.

Ahryun spun around in her chair and met the look of betrayal in your eyes. She cursed when she saw you had the post open on her phone.

"(Y/n), I can explain—," she began.

You stepped back, unable to fully comprehend the situation. "Wait, so it was you all along? Why…"

Ahryun turned away, averting her gaze for a moment. Amid the tense silence, you caught the faint sound of a laugh slipping out from her lips.

“You know, you’re really pathetic Kang (Y/n),” She sneered, her words cutting through the air with a sharp edge. “Yes, it was me.”

You were startled by the sudden change in your best friend’s demeanor. “Why would you do that? The whole school is talking crap about me because of those posts.”

Ahryun fixed her gaze upon you, her expression lacked any remorse. There was an unsettling absence of any regret in her eyes, almost as if she were relieved to be exposed in this way. It was as if she had been waiting for the moment to discard the pretense of caring about you.

“Because I’ve liked Donghyuck long before you did,” she confessed. “I got tired of seeing you with him.”

Her resentful words revealed the depth of her hidden emotions. Your heart sank further, as you processed things. The revelation hit you like a tidal wave, making sense of Ahryun’s actions.

“So you wanted to sabotage me?” You shook your head in disbelief. “Why…we’ve been friends for so long.”

A smirk tugged at the corners of Ahryun's lips, her eyes gleaming with a hint of cruel satisfaction as she observed the wavering in your voice. Witnessing you in such a vulnerable state, after so long, seemed to gratify her.

“No matter how many times I thought about it, I just don’t get why he had to be with you, of all girls,” she said bitterly.

You took a deep breath, trying to process the magnitude of Ahryun’s actions. Seeing this new side of her left you questioning the authenticity of your friendship. Doubt crept in, as you considered the possibility that she had been pretending to be your friend this whole time.

“So you thought going behind my back and spreading false information about me would make us break up?”

"We both know how fragile you can be," Ahryun said slowly, her words carrying a calculated edge. "Like you were in high school."

The implication of her statement cut deep, resurrecting memories of past vulnerabilities. It felt as if she was exploiting your past struggles to justify her actions, further fueling the hurt and confusion that consumed you.

Before you could counter her words, Ahryun forcefully took hold of your arm. You gasped when she yanked your sleeves up, exposing the scars that held too many painful memories.

“Just remember that if he sees these hideous scars,” She threatened. “And when he does, he’ll see how broken you are. Nobody wants someone who is mentally unstable.”

Tears welled up in your eyes, as you’ve never felt more defenseless. She was using your past struggles as a weapon to tear you apart. Then to further sting to her words, she placed her hand on your shoulder as a twisted display of false comfort.

“If you can’t handle the facts, maybe you guys shouldn’t be together,” She said.

You stood up, gripping your bag tightly, and met her icy glare.

“Donghyuck isn't who you think he is,” you managed to say, your voice quivering. “He loves me, and nothing you say or do will ever change that.”

With a heavy heart, you turned away, a rush of long-forgotten emotions flooding through you. You didn’t bother to stop the tears from falling as you walked away. As much as you didn’t want to admit it, you could already sense yourself slipping back into the depths of a dark place you hadn't visited since your teenage years.

▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃

~ chapter six ~

A week had passed since your fallout with Ahryun, and you were doing your best to not let things get to you. But it was hard not to. You spent sleepless nights thinking about how things went wrong, and the subtle indications you failed to notice. Like her evident intrigue whenever you spoke about him, or the way her eyes lit up whenever his name was mentioned.

Nevertheless, you buried yourself in your schoolwork in hopes to tune out everything that was happening. Donghyuck noticed you seemed more withdrawn lately. You could see the concern in him growing, but you insisted that everything was fine.

One day you were on your way to meet Donghyuck after his class and stopped in the cafeteria to buy drinks for the both of you. You were inserting a dollar bill into the vending machine when a group of girls approached you unexpectedly. Their focused glares at you were filled with disdain and judgment.

“Look at that, it’s Kang (Y/n) the cheater.” one of the girls said, her voice dripping with hostility. “First it was Huang Renjun, and then Lee Jeno. Who’s next, Na Jaemin?”

You shrank back slightly, clenching your fists as you fought to maintain your composure. Despite them being three harmless girls, any sort of conflict easily intimidated you. Your heart raced, and a surge of anxiety threatened to overwhelm you, but you were determined to stand your ground.

“Please, you don’t know anything,” you said, your voice firm and steady. “So stay out of it.”

“You see, no one believes that quiet nice girl facade you try to uphold,” the girl beside the first one, scowled. “If you’re smart, you’d break up with him. I’m sure you’re aware that you don’t deserve him.”

You tried to not show them how their words pierced through you like a needle. The hate comments were bad enough. But being confronted in person made the situation ten times scarier.

Determined to not succumb to their empty threats, you grabbed the beverages from the vending machine and made the move to leave. But before you could escape their presence, the third girl twisted the cap off her soda bottle and spilled it on you. In mere seconds your clothes were drenched in the sticky liquid.

“Oops, my bad,” she laughed mockingly.

A wave of humiliation crashed over you, as you felt the weight of the stares and the whispers echoing through the cafeteria. Out of the corner of your eye, you spotted Ahryun standing from a distance, watching in amusement. Was this all some twisted joke to her?

Back in high school, she was the only one who defended you. Now knowing her support and loyalty had been fake, made the sight of her standing idly by more painful.

Just as you were ready to break down, a voice yelled from behind you.

“Yah, what the hell do you think you’re doing to her?”

Turning your gaze, you saw Donghyuck storming into the cafeteria. His eyes were blazing with anger.

“Hyuck—” You tried to stop him before he could make the situation worse. But he was too angry to listen.

“You think it’s acceptable to gang up on someone based on false information?” His eyes glowered intensely. “You have no right to harass her or make judgments without knowing the whole truth.”

The cafeteria fell into an uneasy silence, the whispers fading into the background as his words reverberated through the space. The girls who had targeted you were momentarily taken aback by Donghyuck's unyielding defense, their expressions shifting from arrogance to uncertainty.

Deciding he had enough of this, Donghyuck firmly grasped your hand and guided you away from the prying eyes and tense atmosphere. He let out a sigh of concern as his gaze fell upon the stained fabric of your shirt, prompting him to remove his hoodie and put it on you.

“I’m so sorry (Y/n),” he mumbled, even though he wasn’t the one who should be apologizing. “Are you okay?”

You shook your head. “I’m fine, Hyuck. Don’t worry about it.”

“Are you sure though?” he asked, extending his hand towards you.

But you took a step back, feeling frustrated. “Yes, I already told you. I’m fine.”

“(Y/n)—”

“I just… I just want to be alone right now, okay?” You placed the drink you bought in his hands and walked past him.

Later that night, you found yourself once again unable to fall asleep. It felt like the troublesome thoughts in your head were slowly killing you, weighing heavily on your conscience. The weight of self-blame consumed you, as you couldn't help but think that all of this was your fault. It’s been so long since you felt this way, completely worthless. You didn’t deserve to have someone as sweet as Donghyuck in your life.

Without thinking much, you sluggishly sat down in your desk chair and absentmindedly opened the drawer. Inside lay an old friend you hadn't laid eyes on in ages. Ignoring the creeping sense of dread, you lifted the gleaming box cutter from the drawer.

Holding your breath, you tightly gripped the handle and pulled up your sleeve. You barely felt it when the cold blade punctured your flesh, tracing a diagonal line across your pale skin. Tears streamed down your cheek as you repeated the same incisions, mirroring the first one. The sensation of hot blood seeping out became palpable with each new cut.

You honestly didn't know how you would react if Donghyuck were to witness you in this state. The fear of him discovering the depth of your brokenness was more terrifying than the fresh scars that adorned your skin. Perhaps Ahryun was right, maybe you couldn’t handle this.

▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃

~ chapter seven ~

You kept your gaze locked on the steaming cup of hot chocolate, anxiously waiting for the arrival of your boyfriend. He rushed into the café with an apologetic smile, as he sat down in the empty chair across from you.

“Sorry, I’m late. Renjun needed my help with something,” he said.

In response, you slid the other drink in his direction with an understanding smile. “I got your usual.”

"You are the best," he praised, lifting the cup of coffee to his lips for a sip.

You listened quietly as he shared about how busy he’s been lately with school and his internship. However, the gnawing sensation in your stomach kept you from fully focusing on the conversation.

“Oh, right!” Donghyuck’s eyes lit up as if a light bulb suddenly went off in his brain. “Your birthday is coming up, babe. What do you want to do?”

It was at that moment, you recognized the pressing need to speak up before your courage slipped away.

“Donghyuck…there’s something I have to say,” you spoke cautiously.

The confusion in his eyes, when you used his full name, was almost unbearable for you to see. But he waited expectantly to hear whatever you were about to say. The fact that he was oblivious to the reason you asked him to meet you here made you feel nauseated. You were aware that you couldn't continue to tiptoe around the issue for much longer.

Taking a deep breath, you locked eyes with him once more. Without allowing any room for hesitation, you uttered the next three words with unwavering determination.

"Let’s break up.”

You witnessed his face falter, a stunned look settling in as he struggled to comprehend the gravity of the situation.

“(Y/n)...what are you saying?” he chuckled half-heartedly. “You’re not being serious, right?”

Biting down on your lip, you used the explanation you had carefully prepared. “I realized that I can’t do this whole campus couple thing anymore. It feels suffocating, like every moment we spend together, people are watching and waiting to criticize me for something."

“I…I had no idea you felt that way,” Donghyuck swallowed, his voice tinged with surprise at your confession. “But (Y/n), we can work through this. I promise—”

“No, we can’t,” you deadpanned. “You should find someone better than me.”

You’ve never despised yourself more than you did in this moment. The hurt in his eyes reflected your own, a stark reminder that you were the source of his new pain.

In dismay, Donghyuck reached for your hand in desperation. “(Y/n) please, don’t do this.”

“I’m sorry, but I’ve already made up my mind,” your voice trembled with a mix of despondence and resignation.

Slowly you reached behind your neck and unclasped the necklace he gave you a while ago. Holding back tears, you delicately placed the shimmering moon pendant in his hand. Returning this symbol of your connection was far more heart-wrenching than you had anticipated.

The weight of the decision pressing on your shoulders, you gathered your belongings and rose from your seat, your determination masking the cracks in your resolve. The distant echoes of his anguished voice calling after you tugged at your heart, but you ignored them. With quickened steps, you hastened out of the café, your eyes fixed on the path ahead, knowing that if you allowed yourself even a moment of hesitation, you’d give into your selfish emotions.

You never cried so hard in your life as you did that evening when you returned to your apartment. You had just pushed away the one person who had brought so much joy into your once gloomy life. But as long as your mind continued to waver, you understood the importance of keeping everyone at a distance was safer.

Even though it meant bringing an end to a love that was incredibly precious to you, deep down, you told yourself that things were better this way.

▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃

~ chapter eight ~

The next month following your breakup, felt like a self-imposed prison sentence. As the days blurred together, you had become a shadow of your former self. With the absence of your best friend and boyfriend, you found solace in isolation, confining yourself to the four walls of your apartment. It felt as if you were bound to your living space, only leaving to attend classes or go to your part-time job at the library.

The mere thought of encountering Donghyuck outside filled you with an overwhelming sense of unease, making it unbearable to step foot beyond the safety of your apartment. The idea of facing him, of seeing the pain reflected in his eyes or the awkwardness that would surely follow, was something you couldn't bring yourself to confront.

With your mental state continuing to deteriorate, you found yourself falling back into old habits. The blade in your drawer became the sinister companion you turned to when the emotional pain became too much. At some point, you stopped feeling anything as you wiped the crimson trails that traced down your arm.

Despite the tireless efforts of several friends, their attempts to reach out to you were met with distant silence and evasive responses. Renjun had repeatedly urged you to call him if you wanted to talk, while Jeno and Jaemin tried their best to cheer you up. However, their kind gestures only served to make your heartache worse. You knew that they were deeply concerned for both you and Donghyuck.

Secretly, you harbored the hope that the breakup wasn’t affecting Donghyuck just as deeply as it was for you. In a bittersweet twist, now that he was no longer tied to you, all you wanted was for him to move on swiftly and find happiness without you.

On a Friday night, Jaemin had made his way to your apartment. He sat with you on the couch, saddened by your withdrawn state. The toll of your emotional turmoil was evident in your appearance.

You had forsaken the delicate hues of your wardrobe, the creamy whites and light blues that once adorned your form, for a monochrome palette of darkness. Your complexion had lost its natural radiance, leaving your skin pale and lacking its usual vitality. Dark circles had etched their mark under your weary eyes, evidence of the sleepless nights and internal struggles you had endured.

“Come with me to the spring festival,” Jaemin suggested. “It’s your favorite event of the school year.”

You looked up at him with a weak smile, your eyes reflecting a mix of gratitude and despair. Subconsciously, you tugged down on the ends of your sleeves, afraid your scars might show.

“I’m sorry Jaemin. But I really can’t...right now,” you mumbled. “It wouldn’t be right for me to go out and have fun.”

Jaemin’s expression filled with genuine concern, as he reached to put his hand on your shoulder. “Don’t say that (Y/n),” he said softly, his voice laced with empathy. “I understand that you’re having just as much of a hard time as Donghyuck is right now. But shutting yourself out from the rest of the world isn’t healthy. You know he wouldn’t want to see you like this.”

The mention of his name was enough to cause your lip to quiver. You raised a trembling hand to press against your watery eyes.

Shaking your head, you lamented, “No, I don’t deserve your kindness or anyone else’s. I’m a terrible person. You don’t even know, Jaemin.”

It hurt Jaemin to see his friend so distraught. While he had a faint understanding of your tendency to self-criticize, he didn’t think you’d be this harsh on yourself. He had a hunch that you didn't truly desire to end things with Donghyuck.

You cried into Jaemin’s shoulder a bit, feeling oddly better after letting out some of your emotions. Once you calmed down, Jaemin tried to convince you again about the spring festival.

“Come on, it’ll be good for you to step outside for a bit,” He insisted. “You don’t even have to stay that long. If you’re not feeling it, I’ll bring you back here.”

Just the thought of stepping into a crowd after the recent events sent a shiver down your spine. But Jaemin’s unwavering support and effort to help you reclaim some sort of normalcy, made you feel guilty. Deep down, you knew you couldn’t keep hiding forever. Maybe, just maybe, you could go out this once for a little distraction.

With a hesitant nod, you gathered the strength to pull yourself off the couch. “Okay, Jaemin. I’ll try, but no promises.”

Jaemin jumped up with excitement, his face lighting up as he urged you to the door. Once you arrived at the festival, you were greeted by the enchanting glow of the hung-up lanterns and spring-themed music playing in the background. The sight of cherry blossom petals dancing in the air reminded you of why you liked the festival so much in the first place.

“Kang (Y/n), you made it!” Renjun waved to you from one of the booths. Jeno stood beside him and gave you a kind smile.

Seeing familiar faces reignited a small flicker of joy you haven’t experienced in a while. Gradually, you allowed yourself to be swept away by the night. You let the guys guide you through the vibrant booths, adorned by colorful decorations. The air was filled with the aroma of sizzling fishcakes and the subtle fragrance of peach-flavored soju. You made a conscious effort to ignore the icy stares that people directed toward you.

Amidst the bustle of the festivities, your eyes caught a glimpse of a certain two people seated on one of the benches. Donghyuck appeared to be slightly drunk, and Ahryun was sitting right beside him. Ignoring any feelings of unease, you discreetly walked closer to where they were.

“I miss her so much. Nothing feels the same anymore without her,” Donghyuck blubbered. “I should’ve been there for her more and realized she was hurting.”

Ahryun reached out to tenderly hold his hand. “It’s not your fault, Donghyuck. (Y/n) made her own choices, and you shouldn’t be miserable because of her.”

She paused before gathering the courage to continue. “You know, I’ve liked you for some time now Donghyuck-ah.”

The boy’s expression shifted, caught off guard by Ahryun’s abrupt confession. He might be a little intoxicated, but his senses were still intact.

“I know how it sounds. But I liked you long before (Y/n) did,” Ahryun persisted. “And since you guys broke up I thought…”

“So what, you thought you could step in and replace (Y/n)? Is that it?” He started to question her intentions.

Ahryun’s eyes cried out with desperation. “I…I could be better for you than she was, Donghyuck. (Y/n) was just weak, unable to handle the challenges of being in a relationship.”

Donghyuck's eyes hardened, his protective instincts kicking in. "Aren't you her friend?" he asked. "Why are you talking about her like that?"

Ahryun's desperation heightened as she felt her chance slipping away. Ignoring his question, she leaned in closer, her voice now a seductive whisper. With a determined grip on his jacket collar, she tried to pull him closer to her.

"Donghyuck, if you just let me," Ahryun murmured, her voice filled with an unsettling mixture of desire and urgency.

That was when you reached your breaking point. The sight of Donghyuck and Ahryun, coupled with the flood of conflicting emotions inside you, became too overwhelming to bear. Slowly, you began to backtrack, stepping away from the scene that brought you so much pain. Each step felt heavier than the last as if the weight of your emotions was pulling you down. You turned in the opposite direction, determined to leave it all behind.

Just as you left the scene, Ahryun leaned closer to kiss Donghyuck. You missed seeing him push her away in outrage. He quickly stood up from the bench, his face contorted with anger and disappointment.

"Are you kidding me right now?" he exclaimed, his voice filled with disbelief. He locked his gaze with Ahryun, his eyes burning with a mix of frustration and disgust.

"Kang (Y/n) is the person for me," he declared firmly. "Not you or anyone else."

He left Ahryun feeling torn, with not even the slightest bit of sympathy. However, his path was interrupted when he spotted Jaemin standing nearby, his face filled with panic.

"Hold on, Hyuck," Jaemin spoke urgently, his voice quivering. "You need to know that (Y/n) saw Ahryun try to kiss you. She... she didn't look too good.”

Donghyuck took a step back, his heart sinking, and let out a frustrated curse. As if his night couldn't get any worse. "Where did she go?" he asked Jaemin, his voice tinged with worry.

As soon as Jaemin pointed him in the right direction, Donghyuck swiftly turned and hurried in the path you had taken. His heart raced as he desperately tried to catch up to you.

"(Y/n), wait!" he called after you.

Your body tensed at the sound of his voice and you froze in your tracks. The last thing you wanted was to see him right now. But Donghyuck wasn’t going to let you slip away so easily.

He approached you, his breath coming out in labored gasps. “Please, can we just talk?”

The pleading tone in his voice was what caused you to give in. Cautiously, you turned around to face him.

“What is it?” You were almost afraid to ask.

“Did you…did you know that Ahryun liked me?” He asked in disbelief. “Is that why you broke up with me?”

You looked at him, feeling lost and unsure of how to respond. Donghyuck sighed, closing the distance between you, his eyes filled with sincerity.

"(Y/n), I would have never gone to her. I never had any intentions of moving on or being with anyone else," he said earnestly. “You know that, right?”

There was a part of you that felt a glimmer of gratitude, knowing that Donghyuck still held feelings for you. It puzzled you how he could be so sweet, especially when you were the one who hurt him.

Feeling overwhelmed by your own guilt, you took a step back, distancing yourself from Donghyuck. Your voice trembled with a mixture of emotions as you spoke.

"Why are you being so kind to me? You should hate me.”

His eyes glistened with tears. “I could never hate you, Kang (Y/n). Please don’t think you’re unworthy of kindness or love.”

You felt a surge of frustration welling up inside you, pushing back against his words.

“No, I’m not,” You snapped.

Whatever had transpired between him and Ahryun didn’t matter. Despite Donghyuck’s reassurances, you still clung to the belief that you were damaged and broken. If he knew about your past, if he saw the scars beneath your sweater, he would never be able to love you.

Mumbling a quiet apology, you pushed past him, your mind clouded with self-doubt and regret. The weight of the evening bore down on your shoulders, and you couldn't help but blame yourself for stepping out into the world once again. Going to the festival now felt like a mistake, amplifying your insecurities and highlighting your perceived inadequacies.

▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃

~ chapter nine ~

Ahryun seethed with anger and resentment as she refused to accept Donghyuck's rejection. In her mind, she saw you as the sole obstacle standing between her and the possibility of being with him. The rejection fueled her bitterness and the desire for revenge brewed within her. All she yearned for was to witness you suffer once more, to see you hurt as deeply as she believed she had been hurt. It was time for people to see you for who you truly were.

The morning sunlight painted a gentle glow across the campus as you arrived for your poetry class the day after the festival. However, as you walked by, you noticed a peculiar shift in the way people looked at you as they passed by. Whispers filled the air, and bewildered gazes followed your every step. You wondered if Ahryun posted another rumor about you again. Had she secretly captured photos of you and Jaemin this time?

Feeling paranoid, you paused to take out your phone and quickly navigated the UniYeon site. As the page loaded, the color drained from your face when you were greeted by the headline post.

“‘Kang (Y/n)’s Horrific Past Exposed,’” someone read aloud as they scrolled through the article on her phone. The person walking with them peered over the person’s shoulder to get a better look.

“Wah, did she actually try to kill herself?”

No, no, no, this couldn't be happening. With trembling fingers, you clicked on the post, your heart pounding. As you scanned the text, it mercilessly revealed all the painful details about your past suicide attempt in high school. The weight of each word intensified your feelings of shame and vulnerability. And just when you thought it couldn't get any worse, there it was—the video capturing the haunting moment you ran into traffic, displayed at the bottom of the article.

You felt like you were reliving your trauma in high school, all over again. The piercing stares from those around you felt like a repeat performance, a mix of pity and judgment intertwined. There was only one other person in this university who knew about this incident. Min Ahryun.

Now the whole university was aware of what kind of person you were. Which meant that he knew too. Suddenly, the thought of attending your poetry class faded into the background. Overwhelmed with panic, your feet instinctively moved in reverse, and urged you to retreat.

▃▃▃

The second Donghyuck saw the UniYeon post, he abandoned everything else and set out to look for you. He sprinted to the location of your class, only to discover that you weren’t there. Panic consumed him as he realized that you must have left the campus.

Reading the post was emotionally excruciating for him. He couldn't fathom the depths of your anxiety and the overwhelming pain you must have experienced during that dark period. This had to be what you were trying to tell him that one night after you had cut your hand. He was angry with himself, thinking about how you have been suffering alone in silence this whole time.

“(Y/n)!” He pressed the doorbell, once he got to your apartment unit. When you didn’t come to the door, Donghyuck punched in the passcode to your door and let himself in.

You weren’t in the living room or the kitchen. So he darted over to your bedroom and was met with a closed door. He banged on it anxiously, calling out your name.

“Please, (Y/n),” He pleaded desperately. “Let me in.”

The sound of his voice barely registered, as you tried to collect yourself. It felt like all your fears were coming true. You just wanted all of it to go away.

Somehow, Donghyuck managed to break open the lock on your door forcefully and rushed into the room. The sight of you slumped on the floor, tears staining your cheeks, shattered him inside.

Donghyuck approached you carefully, kneeling before you. “(Y/n)...”

“You saw it, didn’t you?”

He nodded silently in response and tried to take your hand. But when you flinched in response to his touch, a look of suspicion crossed his face. His eyes searched yours, trying to understand the reason behind your reaction.

That’s when he glanced down and noticed the splotch of blood on your hand. His worry deepened, as he started to wonder about the desperate measures you had taken to deal with your pain.

Without saying anything, he reached again for your arm. You didn’t say anything this time and looked away when you felt your sleeve being rolled up. A deep sense of shame crawled up your throat as more tears blurred your vision.

Donghyuck couldn’t control the tears that cascaded down his cheeks when he saw your arm covered in angry red marks.

“(Y/n), why…?”

“I’m sorry,” you wept brokenly, “I didn’t want you to see me like this.”

In the next moments, Donghyuck pulled you into his lap, engulfing you in a tight embrace. Your fingers instinctively gripped onto his shirt as sobs escaped your lips. He never felt so powerless, hearing your heart-breaking cries and feeling your body tremble against his. Tears streamed endlessly as he held you close, silently sharing your anguish. All he could do was cry with you.

“I’m so sorry,” the boy fretted. “I didn’t know you were in this much pain. I wish I had known, (Y/n). I wish I could have been there for you when you needed someone the most.”

“There were so many times I wanted to open up to you,” you managed to utter through your messy tears. “But I was so afraid of losing you, Hyuck. I didn’t want to be a burden to you.”

Donghyuck, in response, leaned forward and pressed a gentle kiss to your temple. He stroked your hair softly.

"Oh (Y/n), you could never be a burden to me," he murmured, his voice filled with tenderness. His eyes glistened with tears as he looked at you, his heart breaking for the pain you had endured alone. "How could you ever think that? You mean the world to me.”

You wrapped your arms around him tightly. Your voice was muffled as you spoke into his hoodie. “I’m sorry, Donghyuck. I’m sorry for pushing you away and not letting you in.”

"It's okay," he cooed soothingly, his voice filled with compassion. He continued to rub gentle circles across your back, offering comfort and reassurance. "It's okay, babe. I'm here now, and I'm not going anywhere.”

Once the both of you calmed down a bit, Donghyuck retrieved some medical supplies from your bathroom. You were surprised to learn how skilled he was at cleaning and bandaging wounds.

After he finished up, the two of you found solace in each other’s arms, spending the rest of the day in bed. Donghyuck listened attentively as you finally confessed everything that had been weighing on your heart. You didn’t detect even the slightest hint of repulsion from him. Witnessing how empathetic he was with you, allowed you to see that Donghyuck’s feelings for you were sincere.

The stormy gray clouds of despair gradually disperse, allowing rays of warmth and hope to seep into your heart. Your former friend had tried to tear you apart again. Everyone at the university knew your secret. Mentally, you were weaker than ever. But with Donghyuck by your side, you felt like everything was going to be okay.

▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃

~ epilogue ~

In the coming days, Donghyuck and you walked hand in hand across campus. You chose to ignore the curious looks and hushed voices of speculations. The strength of your bond radiated in your intertwined fingers, symbolizing a resilient unity that could not be shaken by mere judgment.

“I just thought you should know,” Donghyuck said, glancing over at you fondly. “You look beautiful today.”

His flirtations still made you blush profusely, your cheeks tinged with a rosy hue as you subconsciously reached to hold the delicate crescent moon pendant around your neck. The necklace served as a reminder of the love and tenderness you found in each other’s presence.

Deciding you didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of making you flustered, you playfully stopped walking and pulled the boy closer, surprising him with a swift yet passionate kiss. His lips met yours eagerly, his handing finding its place on your waist as the intimacy of the moment deepened. In that fleeting embrace, the world around you seemed to fade away, leaving only the warmth of your connection and the electric chemistry that sparked between you.

"I love you, Lee Donghyuck," you said confidently, your eyes filled with sincerity and affection, after pulling away from the kiss. Hearing you say those words first was rare, and it took him by surprise.

His gaze softened as he pressed his forehead against yours. "I love you too, (Y/n). More than you'll ever know."

The two of you might have faced some challenging obstacles. And you knew that life would continue to present its share of difficulties. However, you were certain now that the bond you had with Donghyuck was very much real and unbreakable. Knowing you were stronger together, you believed you could overcome anything.

─❀*̥˚─❀*̥˚─❀*̥˚─❀*̥˚─❀*̥˚─❀*̥˚─❀*̥˚─❀*̥˚─❀*̥˚─❀*̥˚─❀*̥˚─

#nct dream #nct 127 #nct dream fics #nct dream x reader #haechan x reader #lee haechan #lee donghyuck #haechan fic #kpop #nct dream angst #college au #nctzen #czennie #haechan scenarios

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anjelicawrites · 2 months

Text

In the wake of this ask and this other ask, what happens between Tom Bennett and his badass nurse once the war is over.

Pairing: Dommish!Nurse!Reader x subbish!Tom Bennett Warnings: mention of death, mention of nightmares, kissing, fingering, oral (f receiving), p in v sex, mention of painful sex, overstimulation, mention of spanking.

NSFW and 18 + only please!

Once the military hospital you worked at was closed, you went back to Manchester, to your old civilian hospital, and life. You didn't know what to expect, surely not to feel so empty. Your friends, those who haven't been killed in the war, have tried to drag you along to the movies or to dances so that you could meet new people, namely those fun American soldiers still in England; you have tried, dolled yourself up and danced you feet off, even tried to flirt with some of the people you've met, to no avail. Ever since you stepped foot in your flat, you've been feeling like you're observing life through a glass wall: you're there but you're not, the people around you laugh and cry and fall in love and you're like the spectator of a play. For this reason you've taken to stay at home more, tending to your plants and reading books in the hope that you'd stop feeling like a guest in your own life.

You huff as you remove your gardening gloves and put them on the table: the roots of the plants have finally enough room in the newer pots and moving them next to the windows will help them grow. The bell rings and you whip your head around: you're not expecting anyone and the only person in the building who used to come and visit has recently passed away. You blow a stray hair off your nose and head towards the door, perhaps is your friend Bess who tries to drag you to the cinema, or maybe to the pub, at every chance she has, saying that you need some fresh air for your health.

"Hello love."

For a moment you don't recognize him, you were so used to see him in his hospital issued pajamas, or his uniform the day he was discharged back into military life, that his civilian clothes almost don't suit him.

"Tom? Tom Bennett?"

You're surprised to see him on your doorstep. You two have been writing to one another, letters that arrived late or not at all, his riddled with grammar mistakes, yours with your fast handwriting; when you knew the date of the closing of the hospital, you sent him your home address, not truly expecting him to keep on writing once the war ended, but you felt bad to deny him the chance.

You never thought he would show up, uninvited and unexpected.

"You look good." He drawls. "You too Tom." You can't help but smile. "Come in! Don't stay on the threshold!"

You head for the kitchen as he gingerly observes your small flat, all with potted plants and books everywhere.

"When did you ship back? And what are you doing here?"

You sense him hovering next to the kitchen door.

"I've just returned." You can sense his eyes raking down your body. "And you promised me a date, love."

You turn around and lean against the counter, your breast pushed out, eyebrow raised.

"The way I'm remembering it I didn't promise you anything, Tommy."

He advances towards you with a smirk on his lips.

"We both survived the war, haven't we? You said you'd let me take you out on a date if that happened."

He tries to crowd you against the counter and his scent attacks you, cigarettes and something wild you've never been able to recognize.

"So we did." You place a hand on the soft jumper he's wearing. "That needs a celebration."

He tries to get even closer to you but you're faster and manage to regain your freedom: as much as you are happy to see him, you're still the boss.

"The tea is in the cupboard near the window. If we're going out I need to get ready."

You take your time in dolling yourself up, choosing one of the best dresses you own and putting on more make up that what's usual when you go out with your friends. As you're getting ready, you hear Tom move around your space, trying to be as quiet as possible as he sips his tea.

There have been people who have tried to get to know you on a deeper lever, and you've always stopped them, with Tom, whenever he would ask questions, you never felt compelled to clam up; with him talking about yourself came natural and now that you can hear him walk around your living room, you don't feel the push to come out of your bedroom and chastise him. You don't know what's with Tom that makes you accept his antics and his curiosity, or why you were so happy to receive his letters, even littered as they were with grammar mistakes that made your skin crawl.

He stops on his tracks when he sees you, his mouth hangs open a little, his eyes rake up and down your body and you can see the wheels turning in his head.

"If I were you, I'd ponder on what's going to come out of my mouth."

Jesus, slipping back into the playful tone you used with him most of the times is so easy.

"The old uniform did you no justice." He says, after a beat.

Back at the military hospital he rarely had the chance to see you naked, he was always on his knees, eating you out as if you were his last meal. You two never had full intercourse and you were never in your civilian clothes, and now you've purportedly chosen a dress and brasserie that enhance whatever curves being on rations left you.

"Thank you. You look dapper yourself." You answer with a smile.

He was stunning in his sailor uniform and he is now in his clothes. You can see that the trousers and jumper are old, but they are well kept and enhance his long legs and wide shoulders; the way he smiles lets you know that he's well aware of the fact.

"Shall we go?" He asks, extending his hand. "Yes." You answer.

You remember when Tom had told you that dates with him were never boring, internally you had scoffed at that, but you have to change your mind as you two dash around town, without a destination, until you two find refuge in a pub when you are both too tired to walk around.

How you two manage to find a table and chairs is nothing short of a miracle, the place is packed with people of all ages, ready to celebrate and imagine a brighter future. You are sitting, waiting for Tom to come back with the beers, that you realize one thing: you don't feel like you're watching life from behind a glass wall. For the first time since you came back, the happiness bubbling in your chest is real, so is the smile you feel stretching your lips. All thanks to Tom.

After a pint, endless rounds of darts and an almost brawl with a group of drunken US soldiers, you and Tom are walking in the vague direction of your flat.

Tom has told you that his house was destroyed and that he was crashing at his sister's, at least temporarily, until something comes up.

"A friend of my dad offered me to take his job." He says, with an inflection in his voice you can't truly decipher. "Is it so bad?"

Tom doesn't look at you when he answers, he focuses his blue eyes on the stars dotting the sky over you two.

"After everything." His hand makes a wide gesture. "It feels anticlimactic."

You understand. You weren't in the line of fire, but the rhythm at the military hospital were faster, the stakes higher than the work you're doing now at your old post, and it feels surreal to go back to the person you were before. As if you hadn't seen countless young men die in pain, calling for their mothers, as if you don't wake up when the nightmares are too horrible.

"I suppose that's what is expected of all of us. Go back to our boring lives and live on."

He shrugs at your words.

"There isn't much to go back to." You can hear the strain in his voice and it breaks your heart. "Perhaps it's a chance to build it, a newer place to go back to." "Perhaps." He answers and is lost in his thoughts.

The last leg of your walk towards your flat is silent, the sounds of the people around you two fill in for the lack of conversation; everyone seems so happy and carefree, how come that you, and you reckon Tom as well, can't be as everyone else? Or maybe the rest of the world is better at pretending than the two of you.

The violent rain that pours over you two breaks the spell as you two run and laugh, poor Tom even tries to cover you two with his jacket, but risks to make you fall in the puddles that have already formed on the broken pavement. You two are drenched and try not to make too much of a racket as you climb upstairs to your flat, a couple of your neighbors wouldn't be too happy to see you take an unknown boy home.

The silence you two now share is filled with anticipation, all those sad thoughts gone, for the moment. Tom plasters himself behind you, the wet clothes you two are wearing make so much easier for you to feel the outline of his hard cock pressed against your arse.

"If I were you I'd behave Mr. Bennett." You whisper, barely stifling a giggle. "Or what will you do to me if I don't?" He growls in your ear.

You push your arse backwards, rubbing purportedly against him.

"You'd love a spanking too much for it to be a punishment. Perhaps I should ruin your orgasms, that had been fun!"

Tom mumbles something against your hair.

"What was that?" "It wasn't fun when you did that." He pouts. "It was for me and that's how usually how punishment work; if you like it, you'll never going to learn."

You two tumble inside the miniature hallway; you barely manage to lock the door, that Tom cages you against the wall and the ancient wallpaper you should have changed eons ago. Thanks to the moon illuminating the living room, you can see the fire burning in Tom's eyes, the way he bites his reddened lower lip makes your cunt quiver: you've missed talented mouth and realize only now.

"Let me kiss you." He moans as his eyes zeroed on your lips.

Even since you've ruined his orgasm as a punishment, he had wanted to kiss you, taste your lips, make you moan and you'd never let him.

"I think there's another set of lips that need you attention first."

Your hand finds the top of his head as he falls on his knees with a smirk: he's missed your taste and you have no idea how much.

His hands fly to the hem of your dress to bunch it around your hips to uncover the pretty panties and garter belt you're wearing, the silk is so soft under his fingers and your center already wet for him, that he moans at the thought of finally tasting you again after so long. Careful he unhooks your stockings from the small pegs and rolls them down your legs to then set them aside, he remembers how prissy you can be whenever he's being messy. Hungry he kisses your tummy, his tongue licks the salt of your skin and you laugh at how ticklish it feels; he grins when his lips meet your panties, his long fingers slowly push them down your legs, uncovering your already weeping center. He can't help himself, he licks your left tight, wet already with your essence, and he moans, wanton, needy.

With a cheeky grin he puts the panties in his pocket. You don't have the chance to chastise him, that his lips curl around your clit, sucking harshly, hungry for your taste as he is for water; two of his fingers breach you, hurriedly looking for that rough patch that makes your hips kick against his face. Like a desperate man he licks your clit, his tongue writes nonsense against your apex, in tandem with the thrusting of his fingers inside of you, as your muscles tighten around him and your whine your pleasure. You're drenched and he moans against you, his tongue now sweeps the whole of your cunt, his lips suck and kiss your labia until he finds your clit again and his teeth lightly nibble at the small bundle, before sucking it again. Your head bangs against the wall as pleasure zaps up and down your spine, your hips push against his face, your hands grab his hair to plaster him better against yourself; your almost scream when his tongue enters your, rigid and fast inside your wet walls, and his nose finds your clit, moving at the perfect angle. You whine and whine as both his tongue and finger fuck you, you feel the pleasure build as his tongue tries to lick your essence and his index pushes steadily against that rough patch inside of you in tandem with the way his nose moves against your clit.

Broken whines and moans spill from your lips when you come all over his face, and he keeps fucking you, prolonging the pleasure. You try to dislodge his face, but his lips are around your clit again, to suck harshly, deaf and blind to the way you keen and your body arches, desperate to stop the pleasure: he needs you to come again, needs to drink from you or he'll die. Pressure builds inside of you, your hips kick in his hold faster and faster, his lips suck your clit with as much strength as he can muster, and you come again, drenching his face.

He has to carry you on the bed, your legs tremble too much for you to walk there. With the utmost care he lays you there and finishes undressing you; unconsciously he licks his lips when your breasts are uncovered, your nipples pert and begging to be worshiped, like the rest of you. Hastily he undresses himself, proud of his erect cock under your hungry gaze, and leaves his clothes on a chair in the corner; he doesn't want to be spanked, not when he can finally have you fully, the way he's dreamed for so long.

You're burning with your own desire, your fingers find your center and slip inside, shallowly fucking your wet hole as you appreciate his strong body and tick cock. With a low growl Tom stalks towards you, until he can cage you under himself and your hand can wound around his erection to lay it between your drenched lips so that he can start moving against you, moaning at your warmth.

He needs to slip inside of you, his cock strains for your hole, but he has to wait for your permission, for you to tell him that he can take you and loose himself in your depths. He almost comes untouched when you order him to breach you, he has to focus on the designs on your bed sheets when his head is enveloped by your muscles and his cock is sucked in; he doesn't want to come like a horny teenager, he wants to pleasure you first, until you can't take it anymore.

"I've been... I've been dreaming of this, ah!" He babbles, almost chocking on his tongue when your cunt clenches midstroke. "Have you been touching yourself, pretty sailor? Imagining your hand was my cunt?"

The sultriness of your voice cuts through the haze of pleasure enveloping his brain, forcing him to stop his advance inside of you, or he'll come. His arms tremble with the effort to keep his weight and you use his weakness to turn you two around, straddling him, your cunt hungrily swallowing his cock: it has been a while and Tom is extremely well endowed.

As wet as you are, it's still difficult for your body to accept his invasion; the more you lower yourself, the painful it becomes to make sure he bottoms out. When a painful wail escapes his lips, Tom stops your descent with worry in his eyes.

"Am I hurting you?" "A bit, Tommy, but that's fine, I like it when it hurts."

Stubbornly you try to take more of him, your eyes clenched shut in pain.

"Yellow!"

You stop immediately and look into his eyes.

"I don't want to hurt you."

You can see how afraid he is of maiming you and your heart skips a beat: all your previous partner were into pain as you were, or didn't care whether or not they were hurting you, either way none of them gave a damn about your well being, Tom is a first.

"Do you want to stop?"

Now you are as worried as he is: scarring him is not part of the plan. Tom is conflicted, your cunt feels like heaven around him, but he knows he's ticker than most, he's had girls refusing to have sex with him, because they were afraid of his cock. He'd do anything for you, but he'll never harm you.

"I don't want to hurt you." He says earnestly and his concern brings tears in your eyes.

Gently he turns your entwined bodies on the bed and slips out of you, his cock resting between your labia again.

"You're not hurting me, Tommy." Your hand cups his cheeks and he rubs against it like a cat. "I could see it in your face." "You're a lot Tommy, and I love it. My body just needs a moment to take you in fully."

His forehead finds yours as your fingers card through his hair, gently calming him; his breath slows down as his lips hover on yours and you close the distance.

His taste explodes in your mouth, cigarette and your own essence dance on your tongue as his slides inside your mouth, searching and seeking with renowned hunger.

"Let me take care of you." He says, breathless, when your lips disconnect. "Yes, Tommy." You moan back.

It's torment the way his cock slides between your labia, drenching himself in your honey, how your hole clenches around nothing with every push of his head against your engorged clit; you moan in the kiss and rub yourself against him, hungry for his cock.

It's with slow pushes and pulls that Tom breaches you again, his lips never leaving yours as he enters you, leisurely, making sure that's the reaction of your body that guide his advance, the moans that escape your interlocked lips his only map; when he enters you fully your body arches, lips leaving his when you whine like a lost animal.

"I did... Christ!" He groans. "Imagined your cunt, ah! This is better! Oh God!"

Your ankles interlock behind him, keeping him safe inside of you as he tries to reign his orgasm in: you two are coming together, when your cunt strangles his cock, or it's nothing at all.

He keeps kissing you as he starts moving, figures of eight that make you whine, your hips following his when he fucks you faster, his thrust shorter against your spot, your muscles pulsating around his erection, sucking him in when he tries to leave; you're wound so tight around him he can barely grind against you, and your clit, pleasure zapping up your spine like a lashing that makes you whine in the kiss, your nails scratching down his back as your hips follow his, feeling the immense pressure build inside yourself with every passing, his inarticulate sounds of pleasure spurring you on.

The fist of your cunt around his erection almost hurts when you come, taking him with you, drowning him in an abyss of pleasure.

You wake up in the middle of the night, not used to have someone sleep with you; usually you kick out your partners after they're done, not truly understanding the need to have them cuddle you after the deed is done. But Tom is another thing, he's not one of the many people you've shagged and forgotten, he's something else, something you can't name. You try to move in his embrace and feel his semi erect cock rub against your naked arse, you snuggle closer to him, not truly wanting to care about the future. You will need to name this, put it in its rightful place in your life; not tonight, though, when Tom is keeping you warm in a way anyone ever managed to do before.

#tom bennett #tom bennett x y/n #tom bennett x reader

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