#and he fostered a lot of kids as an adult because he felt strongly about children living in orphanages and other institutions

[obstinatecondolement]

I give my dad's brother a pass on never contacting us, as he is more broadly shunning all of my dad's side of the family. He was adopted and was treated like shit by my grandmother, because she a) didn't want to adopt and resented her adopted children, and b) was a fucking racist to her black adopted children, so he doesn't consider us to be his family. Particularly now that he is in contact with his biological mother and half-siblings.

He's also chronically depressed to a very disabling degree and lives in another country, so like... there are barriers to communication there that are different to the rest of the family not talking to us because they think we're embarrassing and messy.

[muppenthings]

Did any of your giant ocs regret being so big and want to be smaller? And how do they deal with that sense of guilt and self-loathing?

Yeah Coby, Tide, Cetus and Keiki.

Put under a read more because it got long. xD

Coby regrets being the size and form he is every second of the day. He wasn't originally so big, he was just a human. He wants to go back to normal so bad, to be able to do normal human things again. The new body isn't his. It's alien, literally and figuratively. He deals with it poorly, even if they're working on getting him used to the new body. He's prone to mental breakdowns, nightmares and panic attacks. Archer is pretty much the only anchor he's got, which puts a lot of pressure on Archer too.

Tide has mixed feelings of his size. When he was with his foster parent, he never felt too big. Ore was just like him. When he was made to join a Oceanic mer pod, that's when he started disliking it. The pod said they accepted him, that he was a part of the pod. But he knew he wasn't really, seeing how differently they treated their own kids. So kid and teen Tide tried his hardest to be useful to them, hoping that one day they would genuinely like him. He was making use of his size while also hating it. He often felt out of place, wishing he was a small mer instead. Maybe it'd be better then.

When he was a young adult, they abandoned him when he was caught by humans who mistook him for a large sea creature (a non mer, catching merfolk is illegal). They didn't even try to help him, which made him realize that he'd never be accepted no matter how hard he tried. He'd always be that "too big mer", never family or even friend.

So after his recovery, he instead used his size to steal from mers and humans. He was taking out his negative emotions about himself, and others, on others. His justification being that they don't like him by default for his size so why not just do what he want using it; they never cared about him so he shouldn't care about them either. He tried telling himself that he didn't care, but he cares a lot about what others think of him. It's a reason why he reacted strongly towards Merry when he thought they called him a "monster". Being called "ocean menace" he was ok with.

He's still very conflicted about his size, having ups and downs. There are days he wishes he could interact with Merry like any other mer. But also, Merry truly makes him feel like just any other mer. And him working on mending his relationship with mers (and humans), are going to do wonders for his self-esteem and make him better accept his size as they accept him in return. :)

For Cetus it's mostly when he wants physical contact. That's when he's frustrated because he's just too big to be fully satisfied. Freshwater mers rub their long bodies against eachother, like cats, to be affectionate. As a substitute, Cetus rubs along ships and cliffs because they're the only things big enough to handle his body mass. Even tho the ships are sent rocking and the humans do not want him to do it. Some days he's just very frustrated by the lack of contact and the humans gotta be extra calm and assertive then. He usually calms down after a session of someone petting his nose (a lot of the electroreceptors are on his nose so if the person is calm, that calm will be transferred to him by him literally sensing their calm heartbeats and relaxed muscles).

Keiki had a loving family growing up which helped him be more at ease with his size and himself. They accepted all of him and let him vent about his frustrations, and cry on the days when he felt different from everyone else. They made sure he knew he was loved, that behind the size he was still Keiki.

Most of the time, he's happy and ok with his size. It's when something happens that's directly due to his size that he gets upset and dislikes it. He is prone to cause accidents due to being clumsy (mostly due to constant sizeshifting making his brain confused as to where his body is in relation to things). So there are days when he doesn't like himself. He's surrounded by people that care about him so he's got a solid network to turn to for comfort.

He sometimes daydream about being the size of a regular mer. But then he's also reminded of how much scarier the ocean would be and how he wouldn't be able to do many of the things he does to help people out. He's saved many ships and its crews from capsizing in storms, attacking sea creatures etc. So yeah. Him reminding himself of the good things he does helps him feel good about his size. :)

[wondereads]

Personal Recommendation (2/14/20)

The Sisters Grimm by Michael Buckley

I’m doing something new this week! I’ll be reviewing every book in The Sisters Grimm series. Each will get a small paragraph and get a rating out of ten, and then I’ll rate the series overall. Hope you guys enjoy it! Please keep in mind this will contain spoilers for the later books, so don’t read ahead if you don’t want some major spoilers!

#1: The Fairy-Tale Detectives     9/10

The very beginning! Sabrina and Daphne Grimm, after a year in foster care with some dubious caretakers, are being sent to live with their grandmother, who, until a few days ago, they didn’t know existed. Granny Relda lives in Ferryport Landing, a typical small town in almost all aspects except for the significant population of fairytale characters or Everafters. The first book serves as a good introduction to Buckley’s world. The sisters have been shielded from fairytales their entire lives, so it’s easy to insert explanations for the inexperienced reader. It also very quickly sets up Sabrina and Daphne’s characters by using their reaction to Granny Relda and her fairytale reveal. Daphne, being a younger, more sheltered child, accepts it wholeheartedly and is excited to get involved in solving magical mysteries. Sabrina, after protecting her sister from nutcases for a year, has a much more cynical outlook, and it takes an actual giant scooping Relda up for her to believe. There’s also some memorable introductions for other important characters such as Mr. Canis, Puck, Mirror, and Mayor Charming. In terms of the plot, Buckley consistently creates mysteries that have twists but aren’t too difficult to follow for late elementary students.

#2: The Unusual Suspects     7/10

Things are starting to get a little more intense. Sabrina and Daphne are required to go to school after being preoccupied with chasing giants around the countryside. Unfortunately, especially for Sabrina, who wants to regain some semblance of normalcy, something is killing the teachers at school. I forgot how gruesome the murders were. I also forgot that Sabrina is in sixth grade. This particular book always got on my nerves. Sabrina is clearly having some issues; her parents are missing, she’s trapped in a town with fairytale characters, she can’t see to escape humiliation either at the hands of Puck or her classmates, and now people are being killed left and right. And yet, her family refuses to see that she needs help and decides to reprimand her constantly instead. The villain for this book is particularly disturbing. I must warn readers-child manipulation and abuse is a common theme in these books. If you couldn’t already catch on in the first book, it becomes obvious here that Sabrina has some grudges against the magical community.

#3: The Problem Child     7/10

This book has a sort of in-between feeling to me. Sabrina comes upon a maniacal little girl dressed in red who is holding her currently enchanted parents captive. The little girl, obsessed with recreating her family, is convinced they are her own parents and controls a jabberwocky, her ‘kitty’. All she needs is a granny and a doggy-Granny Relda and Mr. Canis. Everything in this book pours into the next ones, while, unlike the other books, there isn’t much of a self-contained plot. Red comes more into play in Tales from the Hood and The Everafter War, the election sets up Magic and Other Misdemeanors, and the vorpal blade and Puck’s injury lead into Once Upon a Crime. This book, however, introduces Uncle Jake, one of the most interesting characters in terms of development, and it also begins the problem of Sabrina’s magic addiction. The events of this book contribute to Sabrina’s distrust of magic after she has some run-ins with her addiction. It is also when you maybe start to develop some affection for Charming, despite his over-inflated ego.

#4: Once Upon a Crime     10/10

This one is my personal favorite. After Puck’s run-in with the jabberwocky, the Grimms take an emergency trip to New York, Sabrina and Daphne’s old home. There they plead the king of Faerie, Oberon, to heal Puck. Unfortunately, Oberon is poisoned within hours of their arrival, and Relda, of course, takes the case. This book is so much fun because in Ferryport Landing they just sprinkle the whole town in forgetful dust. In New York, Everafters need real jobs and a way to cover their tracks as beings who don’t age. The Wizard of Oz works at Macy’s, Ebenezer Scrooge makes a living as a medium, and pirates such as Long John Silver feed off of Wall Street. It also addresses the downsides of that. Everafters don’t age; some of them don’t even look human. It comes as a shock to Sabrina, but her mother, Veronica Grimm, was secretly working with the New York Everafters to fix their problems. I feel that Sabrina finding a connection to her mother through the Everafter community is the first step she takes toward accepting her role as a Grimm.

#5: Magic and Other Misdemeanors     8/10

The conflict between humans and Everafters starts to take center stage. Someone in Ferryport Landing is stealing powerful magical artifacts, causing rips in time, but the Grimms have to split their attention with Mayor Heart’s new tyrannical rule. This is where the series begins to take a darker turn. The new mayor, the Queen of Hearts, and Sheriff Nottingham are set on running every human in Ferryport Landing out of town, and the divides between human and Everafter are becoming more pronounced by the day. The rips in time are particularly interesting, especially Sabrina and Daphne’s trip to the future, which really raises the stakes going forward. Also, the idea of a past Grimm arriving in town, giving Heart and Nottingham a chance to end the entire family, is very nervewracking. Also, the concept of Everafter-human relationships and how that would work presents some interesting conflicts.

#6: Tales from the Hood     10/10

There’s nothing I love more than a fractured fairytale. Intent on getting rid of the Grimms’ staunch protector, Heart and Nottingham put Mr. Canis, or the Big Bad Wolf, on trial. Some investigation in order to clear his name reveals that the story of Little Red Riding Hood might not be all true. Technically, the entire series is based on fairytales, but this is the first book where those stories are actually challenged. The actual story of Little Red Riding Hood is amazing, and it also ties into all the other stories the Wolf is present in. Also, I love Red, the sane Red, and I always get so happy when she’s cured. Once again, Sabrina clashes strongly with her family in this one, for understandable reasons. I’m less inclined to side with her on this one, but she definitely learns her lesson.

#7: The Everafter War     8/10

The Grimms are finally united! Henry and Veronica Grimm are woken up from their magical sleep, but Henry, having too many bad memories, wants to leave town immediately. Unfortunately, the Scarlet Hand has taken over all of Ferryport Landing and only a small resistance stands in their way. There’s a lot of family drama in this one. The dynamics of Sabrina, Daphne, and their parents are all out of whack after spending over a year apart. On one hand, they now have parental support again. On the other, Henry can’t seem to conceptualize that Daphne is, in fact, not five anymore. If that isn’t enough drama for you, Puck finds out he and Sabrina are married in the future, and Snow and Charming are caught up in a soap opera of their own. Also, not to mention the plethora of betrayals in this book. The plot is really picking up here.

#8: The Inside Story     8/10

This one took quite some imagination. After the reveal of the Master’s identity as their own beloved Mirror, Sabrina, Daphne, and Puck pursue him and Pinocchio through the Book of Everafter, a living book filled with fairytales that could actually change history. I find it absolutely hilarious that the kids absolutely refuse to follow the story no matter what. Also, this is where Sabrina starts coming into her own. She’s going through a rough patch in this book. As would anyone whose best friend turned out to be the leader of a magical terrorist organization. By the way, if you are connected to these characters in any way, Mirror’s betrayal will hit you like a punch to the gut. She’s having trouble trusting her judgement, which will have her come back stronger than ever. Also, it’s nice to see her and Puck get through a couple sentences without a barrage of insults. Finally, Relda was such a badass in this book. If you didn’t love her before, you definitely love her now.

#9: The Council of Mirrors     9/10

It’s time for a happily ever after. With Mirror running loose in Ferryport Landing and the rebellion in tatters, things are looking bleak. Especially when the twenty-four remaining magic mirrors issue a prophecy putting everyone’s fate in the hands of Sabrina and Daphne Grimm. Sabrina starts out pretty broken in this book. She’s been betrayed, her grandmother is possessed by an evil mirror, and now everyone is expecting her to lead an army. I absolutely love that when she gets the push she needs from the mirrors it plays to her strengths. She’s a master of planning and subterfuge, and it’s so nice to see it come out. On a less chipper note, I hate Atticus with everything in me, and I was so happy he ended the way he did. In terms of Mirror, I found it poetic, but also so typical of a kid’s book, that he was defeated by the one thing he never had: love. Finally, the reason this book doesn’t get a 10/10 is because I felt the epilogues were kind of rushed and unrealistic. However, they don’t have much impact on the book overall, and I still loved most of it!

Overall 1  2  3  4  5  6  7  8  9  10

The Sisters Grimm is one of my favorite series from childhood. The characters are realistic, relatable, and get great development. Kids books are great because there’s no worries about the idea being too juvenile. This book could never be an adult book, the ideas in it are too silly. However, that doesn’t mean it isn’t amazing, and I find the crazy ideas and cheesy lessons absolutely charming. It gives some unexpected sides to some well-known characters, and the amount of thought that went into incorporating classic and even more obscure characters into the modern world was crazy and very amusing at times. I also suspect that this series is the root of my fondness for fractured fairytales. I would recommend this book to people who like modern fantasy, sibling relationships, and fairytale characters in a decidedly un-mystical setting.

The Author

Michael Buckley: American, 51 years old, also wrote N.E.R.D.S. and Undertow

The Reviewer

My name is Wonderose; I try to post a review every two weeks, and I take recommendations. Check out my about me post for more!

[lambourngb]

Nailing that Dynamic- Recs - Day 1

Day 1 for Creator’s Week, and I gotta say, this is my favorite fan event, mainly because it was the first one I participated last year. This little rec set is devoted to dynamics, divided into friendship, found family, and finally romantic (and yes, that’s Malex with me.)

We’ve had two seasons of this show, and while I can’t really relate to aliens or even the immigrant story, I do relate strongly to the stories behind friendship. I can say my appetite for fic with a good friendship dynamic will always be there.

Will You Be My Friend- Circle Yes or No (recs)

Finding You by @myrmidryad  (122,000) - If by chance the canon from high school bums you out, this is the story to read. Gin writing malex is always a ‘no-brainer I’m gonna read it story’ for me, but what really set this epic apart was how beautifully Gin writes the friendship dynamics between Michael & Liz, and Michael & Max. It’s a canon-divergent story with no-murder of Rosa or the shed scene, where in order to avoid enlistment, Alex disappears from Roswell and joins the Max & Liz road trip with Michael in tow. They just need to fill that gap between high school and the opening of the dorms at UNM so they can start a life together. And fill it they do with this road trip. There were moments where I sobbed with how badly Michael needed this in canon and didn’t get it. It also made me like Max, so, yeah. Great writing and characterizations here.

Hit the Road by @bestillmyslashyheart - (7,100) - One of the brightest spots for me in season two was Rosa Ortecho, and one of the most frustrating parts of season two was the fact we didn’t get any interaction between her and Alex. *screams* At least I had a few crumbs of Rosa & Maria (not nearly enough!) but still. Where there’s a glaring gap in canon, thank god there’s fanfic. Marlo treats us to a delightful story written post season 1, but had some surprisingly psychic lines about Malex, number one how they don’t think they are good for one another. I really enjoyed what this story says about leaving-  and honestly, the town of Roswell has so much pain tied to these characters, they should all take long road trips away from it.

a few drinks and some conversation by @christchex / @michaels-blackhat (5,600 ) - this one is set post-season 2, with all the complications of Michael deciding now wasn’t the right time for him and Alex, while also working on giving Maria the right space after their breakup.  I think it’s pretty clear that Michael needs a friend he’s not related to and someone he hasn’t slept with - to provide him so low-stakes genuine company outside of the alien bullshit and love triangle dynamics. Christi does this beautifully through the eyes of an OC and the number of times I’ve read this story is like 10, and also, it’s inspired my current story about Michael going on dates.

and headin’ out singing our song by @stars-and-sunshine (4,100) post season 2, Alex and Michael head off on a road trip (okay, this is a trope I apparently like since I’ve recced three stories now, hahaha) after Alex’s car breaks down. There’s a careful space in this story, of two men building a friendship again. The roadtrip details are beautiful, but what stayed with me is a scene in the museum. That summer of 2008 had some ghosts to address.

If I Follow You Home, Will You Keep Me? found-family dynamics

When You’re Gone by @bestillmyslashyheart (8,200) - Before I tell you why I love this story, I want everyone to follow the next link and read this story about email and messages and grief in the digital age [trigger for cancer death] chat history by Rebecca  Armendariz. (She also wrote a follow up called Timelines published by the Hairpin that talks about the memory function on facebook.) So back to the story, this is Rosa, opening her email 10 years after her death and reading the messages people sent her, thinking they were speaking into the void. Liz, Maria, Alex, Mimi and Arturo, all of them sending her notes, sometimes time passes without an email, then an event triggers that memory of Rosa not being there- and yeah, I found this whole thing to be so moving.

Never Ever Getting Rid of Me by @spaceskam - (4,400) this probably could have gone in the friendship side, but I feel like when you work in a high stakes place like a hospital, friends is a term that ends up being too light, and with the level of competition and stress it grows a bond like family... anyway, this is an AU where Michael and Kyle end up at the same hospital as competing interns but some elements of canon are still there.

still fixing all the cracks by @emma-arthur -  (3,400) this is a pre-canon story, set when Alex is 14. He’s still a soft child, being tortured by his dad, and soaking up the attention from Liz, Rosa and Arturo when he breaks a glass and spirals. Heavy discussion of child abuse and homophobic abuse, but a really good exploration of the canon-neglected Liz & Alex friendship, plus with that paternal Arturo Ortecho in the mix...

Ophiuchus by @planetsam - (11,600) the other bright side of season 2 was the reveal of Walt Sanders as being not only Michael’s boss, but someone who knew his mother, knew what he was, and silently looked out for him...now of course I wish he had been more overt in doing this, but fanfic once again has fixed this canon-oversight. This is an incredible look through Walt’s eyes as he gets in over his head adopting an alien child, especially one who already had issues from previous foster placements. I could read a million words in this verse.

The Michael Sanders AU by @prouvaireafterdark (17,000 ) And speaking of great AUs where Michael is raised by Walt, I would be really amiss in not mentioning this one. It’s got hot high school Malex moments, emotional/hurt comfort for both Michael’s past foster placements but also the shit Alex is living with at home. I have to say “Honey if You Stay” is my favorite, just because of how badly I wanted to hug teen Alex...

and finally, no found family rec list could be complete without mentioning the epic series To Raise a Child (117,000 in progress) by @haloud and @maeglinthebold - season 2 put some hits on my headspace and emotional reserves, not to mention 2020 nonsense, so I’m dreadfully behind in commenting on this story. It’s just a huge emotional bandaid for me right now- it takes the idea of “what if the adults in Roswell actually looked out for their children (and other peoples children) and protected them from shit” and what would that change. Michael was found at 7 and then runs away to Roswell at 10, so yeah, humans have already done their best to convince him the world sucks and only finding his siblings matters... Jim Valenti steps in, knowing what he is, and finds him a place in Roswell with Arturo Ortecho. Anyway, everyone gets a turn- Jim, Mimi, the kids, etc in the story, it’s well rounded and fleshed out. Obviously being a malex person my favorite parts are the kid-friendship/this-is-just-a-crush moments in second story, where if you hadn’t lost your heart to Michael Ortecho by then, well, you’re a goner after that story. 

I Could Build Your Heart A Home (malex recs)

time will lie down and be still by @islndgurl777 (29,600) the Practical Magic AU - which I loved but I have never seen the movie it’s based on lol... anyway, this story almost belonged up with my found family dynamic recs, because the story opens with Isobel and Michael being 7 and 8 years old alien siblings and left with Mimi Deluca to raise with her daughter Maria, because with their father recently dead, their mother would soon follow as a species level soulmate bond. Michael vows never to fall in love. Then there’s a beautiful friendship between Maria, Liz, Isobel and Michael as they grow up together that I just wanted to roll around in forever... However this is a Malex rec, so once Alex enters the story in high school and things go down similarly with Jesse, Michael is heartbroken, his soulmate (he thinks) is gone, vanished into the Air Force, and he spends the next 10 years helping Maria, going to school with Liz, and keeping in touch with Isobel. Until 2018 when Isobel finds out her perfect man was like them, an alien, and bad, and they are forced to cover up his murder. Then Alex comes to town. But the soulmate storyline is the winner here and I just re-read it again.

here everyone knows (you’re the way to my heart) by @adamsparirsh (19,700) So this story tackles a dynamic that think will be the death-knell to the Alex/Forrest relationship- the weight of the alien secret and Alex’s responsibility gland and what that looks like to someone who wants to be in a relationship with him. The exclusion. But outside of that- there’s this part of Alex that isn’t willing to let anyone in that isn’t already there, and that’s Michael. I’m fucking weak for stories where these two assholes can’t connect with anyone but each other, and this one hits it. There’s also so many lovely friendship dynamics between everyone showing up for Alex- like Rosa, Isobel, Max, Maria. Obviously this is a Malex-is-endgame story, even though it starts Alex/Forrest.

it’s a long road back to you by @magsthemagical  (17,000) This was an interesting, now AU take on what if Maria/Michael dated at the same time as Alex/Forrest, and honestly, I thought basted on the season two spoilers that was where we were heading. I was gobsmacked by 2x13. Anyway, here’s a story that discusses the tension that would happen if there had been simultaneous dating going on…the parts where Michael sees Alex being open with someone other than him were very raw and true to how I would think he would feel. For 10 years he wanted that and didn’t get it, and so of course the problem was probably him?? Anyway, I enjoyed this a lot, and again felt robbed that we are heading into a new triangle for season 3. 

untouched by @prouvaireafterdark (5,200) - okay, you know when you have an alien soulmate idea in your head and you want it to appear on the page, and then it does and it’s everything you wanted? That’s what happened to me when ‘Untouched’ appeared. Obviously it’s AU, but my reptile brain just loves the idea that Michael and Alex can’t get off with anyone else, and then that frustration builds into a sexy explosion... there’s also some communcation happening with these clowns. But seriously for 5,000 words, A LOT HAPPENS here and I loved every word.

Would you come home by @caitlesshea (1000) How great would have it been if season 2 had ended with Michael and Alex found a baby in a stasis pod instead of Beardy Jones? Like seriously, this short little fic healed so many of my wounds from season 2 that I couldn’t help but include it here. I would take 50,000 more words in this sadly AU take. 

Hoarding you by @foramomentonly (1200) okay, so the rain smell, like 2x04 was low key my favorite episode of RNM ever, especially with Alex throwing that flirty line “It’s smells like rain, that’s what you smell like under the grease and bourbon’ and this author takes that line, and fucking murders me with the idea that Alex can’t move on because of that smell. And Michael is now his, and finds out about it. This is my head canon, okay? No one can talk me out of it.

If you like any of these recs, please leave a comment on the story- a ‘this was awesome’ is enough to propell an author into the stratosphere with happiness, so don’t worry about coming up with a unique, never before shared insight- sometimes a keyboard smash and emogi makes all the difference!

[theexistentiallyqueer]

It’s been a while, what with me being being more active on Twitter these days, but I had some thoughts churning around in my brain and this felt like a better place to post them rather than threading them over there.

This is a post about Persona 5 and restorative justice. Before I go any further, though, a note: this is meta about restorative justice and prison abolition as ethical philosophies only, how it can be expressed/structured in works of fiction, i.e., Persona 5 and Persona 5 Royal, and what the importance of doing so is.

I should also note that I am not a philosopher, a legal scholar, or an activist, I just like to read, and I strongly encourage you to look into the topics I’m discussing in this essay. If you want specific recommendations you can DM me; again, this being meta about a video game, I think linking those titles here would diminish their importance regarding what they’re actually about.

Ready? Okay. Let’s get started.

what is restorative justice?

‘Restorative justice’ is a concept in ethical and legal philosophy that holds itself in contrast to two other kinds of justice: punitive and carceral. Punitive justice is justice as punishment, i.e., an eye for an eye, while carceral justice involves justice as the confinement of criminal offenders. While both have heavy overlaps with one another, they’re distinct in the generality vs the specificity of their outcome: punitive justice can involve the death penalty, property seizure, permanent loss of rights, etc., carceral justice refers strictly just to the incarceration of criminal offenders in institutional facilities (jails, prisons, etc.).

Restorative justice, in contrast, roots itself in the understanding of closing a circle: the best and most holistic way to heal harm one person inflicts on another is to have the person who inflicted the harm make reparations to the person they hurt in a tangible and meaningful way. This can take many forms, and if you’re passingly familiar with restorative justice already, you may have heard about it involving the offender and the victim meeting face-to-face. This does happen sometimes. Personal acknowledgement of the harm you’ve inflicted on someone is important, and direct apologies are important, but these need to also be coupled with actions. The person behind a drunk hit-and-run of a parent could help put their orphaned child through school, or a domestic abuser could be made to take counseling and go on to help deter domestic violence in other households, and so on. 

The vast majority of states across the world use punitive/carceral models, though small-scale community trials of restorative justice have been attempted, to varying degrees of success. No one is going to argue that it would be easy to implement, but it is important. Restorative justice is about recognizing that crime, specifically crimes against other people, are fundamentally still about two people: the perpetrator and the victim. And we have to look beyond the words perpetrator and victim to recognize that they are both human beings and challenge ourselves to build a society where our concept of justice means healing hurts instead of retaliation.

It’s not easy, but it is possible. It requires changing your own perceptions of justice and humanity and society and the big wide entire world to have the kind of mindset that allows it to be possible. But it is possible, and I know that from personal experience, because it’s my own mindset and I’ve been through trauma too.

prison abolition and the god of control

Persona 5 has an authority problem. By which I mean, Persona 5 has a problem challenging authority in any way that functionally matters.

The game is drenched in heavy-handed prison imagery, from jail cells to wardens to striped jumpsuits to cuffs and chains to an electric chair. Throughout the long build-up of the main storyline we’re treated to a confectionery delight of punitive justice, stick-it-to-the-man justice: the Thieves find a bad guy who coincidentally has personally hurt or is actively hurting one of their members, and they take it upon themselves to make the bad guy miserable and then send him off to jail. By the end of the arc you’re meant to feel like you accomplished something heroic, that by locking someone up you’re balancing the scales of justice. In the Kamoshida arc Ann even frames this in restorative justice terms, telling him he doesn’t deserve the easy way out of ending his own life and needs to live with his mistakes and repent, but he’s still sent off to jail regardless and Ann and Shiho are left to struggle through the trauma he put them through without anyone to really support them. This repeats itself, over and over: Madarame, Kaneshiro, Okumura, Shido--expose the bad guy, bring him low, publicly shame him, and then send him away (or, in Okumura’s case, watch him die on live TV to riotous cheers from the public).

And what does this all accomplish, in the end? You get to the Depths of Mementos on Christmas Eve to find the souls of humanity locked away in apathy, surrendered willingly to the control of the state, and your targets right there with them, thanking you for helping them return to a place where they don’t have to think of other people as people any more than they did before. In prison, they can forget that they are human beings and that all of the rest of the people in the world are too. The Phantom Thieves march upstairs and defeat the Gnostic manifestation of social control, that being that masquerades itself with lies as the true Biblical god. And then you go back home and the adults tell you that everything is okay now, the system itself isn’t rotten, and you just have to sit back, stop actively participating in the world, and let them take the reins.

It’s one of Persona 5′s most ironic conceits. “Prison abolition....good?” the player asks, and Atlus swats you on the hand and says, “Silly kids, prison abolition completely unnecessary because you can trust the state to not fuck up anyone’s lives anymore ever.” All while using prison imagery to present prisons as institutions inherently divorced from what might constitute actual justice.

Prisons exist because hierarchies exist, and so long as hierarchies exist, inequality will exist and people will commit harm who otherwise likely would not. But you can’t have your cake and eat it too, Atlus. You can’t frame prisons as an inherently unjust institution used to control people because you didn’t do anything to get rid of the hierarchy. You just gave the hydra a few new heads.

restorative justice and rehabilitation

Rehabilitation is Persona 5′s favorite buzz word, and for all that it’s used the game never really clearly defines what it’s supposed to mean. Yaldabaoth uses it as a euphemism to describe the process by which he creates his ideal puppet, but Yaldabaoth bad, and by the end of the game, Yaldabaoth dead. We get barely any time with Igor after that for Igor to define rehabilitation properly on his terms, which is notable in that Igor is the one who’s supposed to be the spiritual mentor of the wild card within the Persona universe. 

We can only infer from that that it’s the player who’s meant to define what rehabilitation is by the end of the game, but because the game fails to take any concrete stance on its themes that could in any way undermine the idea that society isn’t functionally broken, it’s hard to figure out what conclusion we’re supposed to draw. As I stated above, the game immediately walks back any insinuations that it’s the institutions themselves that are rotten by having Sae and Sojiro step in and assume responsibility for making the world just by continuing to operate within the rules society itself has created. If you can’t beat them....join them?

If anything the closest we can get to coming up with a definitive understanding of what the game wants us to understand rehabilitation as is when the protagonist is in juvie. During those months we’re treated to an extended cutscene of all of your maxed out confidants taking action to get you out of jail, but because you can trigger this scene even if you haven’t maxed out all of your confidants, and because the outcome (getting out of juvie) is the same even if you haven’t maxed out any besides Sae, then we’re right back where we started.

But that cutscene still has a sliver of meaning to it despite it being largely window-dressing, because the game does push, over and over, the argument that it’s through your bonds with others, through building a community, that you’ll rehabilitate yourself and find true justice.

And that’s what restorative justice is about: community.

the truth: uncovering it vs deciding it

I can’t find enough words to convey how infuriating it is that Atlus comes so close to telling a restorative justice narrative and then completely drops the ball on displaying it at all in Goro’s character arc.

Goro’s concept of justice is fundamentally punitive, the textbook “you hurt me so I’m going to hurt you back.” In doing so he goes on to hurt a whole bunch of other people: orphaning Futaba, orphaning Haru, triggering a mental shutdown in Ohya’s partner Kayo, and also killing countless millions other instances of mental shutdowns, psychotic breakdowns, bribery, and scandal that caused people material harm and, in a handful of cases, killed them.

Yes, Shido gave him the gun, but Goro pulled the trigger. And in a restorative justice framework, you don’t bypass that fact: you actively interrogate it.

There’s been a lot of really great meta about what the circumstances of Goro’s life were like, including the Japanese foster care system, the social stigma of bastardy in Japan and the impact it has on an illegitimate child’s outcomes, and the ways in which Shido groomed and manipulated Goro into being the tool of violence he made him into. These things aren’t excuses for what Goro does, however: they’re explanations for it. They are the complex social issues that create a situation where a child feels his best choice, indeed maybe his only choice, is to take the gun being offered to him and use it on other people. If you want to prevent more kids from slipping through cracks into those kinds of situations, you need to understand the social ills that made those cracks appear in the first place and you need to fix them. Otherwise there will always be another kid, and another recruiter, and another bad choice, and another gun. Systemic problems require systemic solutions.

Even so, none of that bypasses the fact that it was Goro’s hand on that gun, that it was Goro who performed the physical action of killing Wakaba’s and Okumura’s shadows, and that, as a result of Goro’s direct actions, Wakaba and Okumura died. You can say Okumura deserved it all you like, but Haru doesn’t deserve to be an orphan. Haru deserved to repair her relationship with her father. Okumura deserved the chance to learn and make direct, material amends to the employees he hurt and the families of those who died on his watch, and they deserved to have him give them a better way to heal.

But this isn’t about the loss of Okumura making amends to his family or his victims: this is about Goro Akechi, and the fact that even in Royal his fraught relationship with Haru and Futaba is never explored, barely even addressed. There’s not even any personal, direct acknowledgement from him of the pain he put them through.

You can say he doesn’t care, and that’s fine that he doesn’t care. And it is. He’s a fictional character, this is a video game, they are anime characters.

But Persona 5 flirts with the idea of restorative justice and never fully explores it, and it’s a weaker game for that.

the thin place, the veil between worlds, the line in the sand

This is the last part, I promise, and I’ll be short and brief here, because the truth is that none of this matters, at least not in the way that you think. Persona 5 is a story. It’s a lie that we buy. It’s all zeroes and ones and electrical signals and optical images on a blank black screen.

But art can be powerful. Art is like magic, the deepest magic, the oldest kind. We human beings are creatures of art and poetry, of images and patterns, of music and words. Good art, really good art, can allow us to explore new ideas and critique our internal assumptions about how the world works.

No, fiction doesn’t affect reality, not the way that you think it does.

But if you’ve gotten this far, I just got you to read an essay on restorative justice and prison abolition in regards to a Japanese role-playing game, and that is something to think about.

How do you define rehabilitation? What kind of justice do you believe in? Is the way you conceive those things really the best way?

And how much more interesting could a story that challenges those concepts be?

[vito-mendoza]

Task: Character Playlist Deep Dive

Playlist: Vito Mendoza’s Character Playlist

Number of Songs: 15 (as of July 2021) 

Length: 57:42 (as of July 2021)

Triggers: N/A

Track 1: When I Grow Up- The Pussycat Dolls

Even though the song isn’t an exact fit for his life, it sums up his childhood hopes and dreams of being a famous actor pretty well. He’s been dreaming big ever since he saw his fist trip to the movie theater to see Mission: Impossible. He’s had the drive to make it big for a long time, but the question of the hour is whether he has the skill.

Track 2: Miami- Will Smith

Despite the fact that he was born in the Philippines, Vito considers Miami to be his true hometown in many respects. It was the place where he spent most of his childhood, the place where he fostered his love of acting, and the place where he first started falling in love with life. Even though he hasn’t lived in Miami since he left for college in 2008, every time he returns to visit his family, he feels like he never left. 

Track 3: Hello, Brooklyn- All Time Low

Vito moved to Brooklyn with one of his college roommates after graduating college in 2012. It was in Brooklyn that he really got into DJing and started to do it for money. Vito has always been the type to live life to the fullest, and this song is an expression of that sentiment. He made Brooklyn his second home and partied it up while he lived there. 

Track 4: Beverly Hills- Weezer

Even though Vito has wanted to be an actor since he was 7 years old, he still has his insecurities about it. Specifically, he worries that he won’t fit in with actors who came from money. Vito wants to be amongst the elite, but comes from a completely different world, one without any glitz or glamor. This is part of the reason why it took him until 2020 to make his big move. 

Track 5: Best Day Of My Life- American Authors

Vito considers the day he officially made his move out west to be one of the best days of his life. As much as he liked Brooklyn and the friends he made there, acting in student films and off-Broadway shows wasn’t where he wanted to be in life. He didn’t know anyone in California except his roommate, who he had only met in person once. Moving was his chance to start anew and fully realize his dreams. 

Track 6: I Gotta Feeling- Black Eyed Peas

Once he decided to make the move out west, Vito fell in love with Santa Monica. The palm trees and beach reminded him of Miami, and it was close enough to L.A. that he could get to auditions with relative ease. From the first day, he had a feeling that he was going to like California. This song is meant to be an expression of Vito having a good time and making new memories.

Track 7: Go DJ- Lil Wayne

Vito has yet to land a full-time acting gig, so DJing has been his primary source of income. This is a song he’ll play to himself when he needs motivation. It’s a reminder to himself that if all else fails, people still think he’s good at DJing. After all, he wouldn’t be working at a club 4 nights per week if people didn’t like his mixes.

Track 8: Don’t Stop The Music- Rihanna

This song is one of Vito’s favorite songs to play in the club. It’s one of those songs that gets the crowd up and dancing; no one can resist a good Rihanna song. Acting is his first passion, but he relates to the message of this song: leaving the stress of life behind you and dancing to good music. It’s songs like this that remind him what got him into music in the first place. 

Track 9: Club Can’t Handle Me- Flo Rida & David Guetta

This song is a combination of a pep-talk and a song to amp up the club. This is one of those songs that makes Vito feel like he’s on top of the world. Playing this song at Circle Bar makes him feel invincible. Even though he doesn’t live a lavish lifestyle like Flo Rida and David Guetta, Vito knows how to party and how to liven up a party through music. 

Track 10: Sorry for Party Rocking- LMFAO

As a DJ, Vito goes hard and goes loud. His neighbors over the years, in both Brooklyn and Santa Monica, have had to put up with a lot of his musical antics. All he can ever really say form himself is “Sorry!” because he’s not going to stop anytime soon. Even though he doesn’t drink as excessively as LMFAO, nor does he hook up with women like they do, this song makes for another fun song to amp up the club. 

Track 11: Sour Patch Kids- Bryce Vine

Being an adult is hard. Since moving to California, Vito has started to notice how much he struggles with money. Sometimes he needs to get money off his mind and just kick back and relax like he did when he was a kid. He feels very nostalgic for his childhood, especially the parts when he didn’t have any responsibilities or cares in the world. 

Track 12: Crush- David Archuleta

Vito felt himself crushing on Verity shortly after their blind date. As time went on, these feelings only grew stronger. He spent the first two months of knowing her wondering if she shared his feelings or if this was all one-sided and hopeless. Despite these worries, his feelings didn’t wane. His crush wasn’t going away any time soon. 

Track 13: What A Man Gotta Do- The Jonas Brothers

After a few months of hanging out and having little dates with Verity, Vito realized that he didn’t want to be just friends with her. Her kiss had him hooked, and he wanted more. He wanted to be with her, labels and all, and if she wanted him, he was all hers. Turns out all he had to do to make this a reality was ask. 

Track 14: Only Wanna Be With You- Post Malone

This is another song that isn’t an exact fit but has an overall relatable message: wanting to be with one person and one person only. Even though he and Verity have led very different lives, they’re still able to get along and make their relationship work. He doesn’t care if he’s foolish for becoming this attached to her so soon into the relationship, because he’s happy and that’s all that matters to him. The reason this version is on the playlist rather than the original is because Vito is a bigger fan of Post Malone (he says “no disrespect to Hootie, though”).

Track 15: Let Me Love You (Until You Learn To Love Yourself)- Ne-Yo

Verity struggles with insecurity. She was in two relationships before she began dating Vito, and neither of them ended on a great note. Vito feels very strongly towards her, and not only does he want to show her that he loves and cares about her, but he also wants her to love herself. He wants her to see herself as the kind, caring, and beautiful woman he sees her as. He’ll gladly put his own insecurities aside if it means lifting her up. 

[rasoir-national]

5 male characters I love

So I got tagged by @antirococoreaction​​ to name 5 male characters I love, and as always I asked myself the immortal question : do I pick characters I love as characters, as in, characters I love for how interesting they are, or do I pick characters I love as people ? And for once, I decided to go with the narrowest of the two, the second one, for two reasons.

First, because there’s this latent belief in media that bad is more interesting than good, leading to the pernicious trope that characters who are “good people” are boring. That’s patently false : just as it’s difficult to be a good person, and I think we should highlight characters who demonstrate that.

Second, because there’s this tendency, in tumblr culture, from which I am not at all exempt, to avoid giving focus to masculinity in a positive manner, because mainstream media would do that already. But you could argue that mainstream media is much more focused on toxic masculinity and masculinity as a “default” than on exploring masculinity in its richness and uniqueness. So I want to do that too : to highlight characters whose masculinity is a inherent and essential part of who they are and why I love them. Let’s roll.

Dionysus/Umar from The Wicked+The Divine (Kieron Gillen & Jamie McKelvie)

He is such a good person. That’s what you think the first time you meet him, and that’s what you’ll continue to think, even as the comic goes on and adds nuance upon nuance on every character. The god of wine and parties reincarnated as a young man with rave/hivemind and ecstasy-like powers. And also a kind friend, a sensitive listener, someone who is keenly aware of the limits of what you can do for other people yet will give all he has so people can have at least that, be it one good night amidst sorrow and depression, or a shoulder to cry on. Dio is good to a fault, as in, his goodness is arguably his flaw. He gives himself so completely, to everyone, that it endangers his own sanity, and make other people’s selfishness and entitlement come out. He is a perfect illustration of why putting yourself first is not just a flaw when done in excess, it is at its core a survival skill : if you do not put barriers between you and the others, you will crumble. Dio is a study in true altruism that not many stories have the courage to make. He is also canonically asexual, and strongly implied to be biromantic, although that’s almost incidental in Wicdiv, in which almost every single character is lgbtqia+ and treated with respect. Seriously, read Wicdiv guys.

Kurama from Yu Yu Hakusho (Yoshihiro Togashi)

YYH is one of the most insidious yet brilliant deconstructions of the shoûnen tropes out there. While some of its material, while groundbreaking at the time (starting with a fleshed-out, sympathetic gay character coming with a critique of japanese homophobia), has aged with the strides made in matters of representation, its commentary on masculinity and especially how it’s usually handled in the typical shoûnen holds up extremely well in my opinion. And one of its centers is Kurama. Created to be a riff on the classic “bishounen” character (to the point that one of the running gags of the manga is Kurama getting increasingly annoyed with the attitude of female side characters around him), Kurama is my favourite kind of good person, the one who is deeply aware that he is capable of horrible things. He is the rare character who begins the story at the tail end of his redemption arc, having already decided to change ; his arc in the manga is about trying to figure out what that means. And the manga does not pull punches with him : he has to reckon with what he’s done, to try and navigate his new moral compass in a world that’s just waiting to use it against him. And it gets... cruel. Kurama is a perfect example of how quickly and often certain traits can toe the line between making you a terrible person or a good one. Everytime he fights, Kurama has to make the choice to do good, over and over. And it’s not easy. It’s not supposed to be easy. And if YYH has one message, it’s that everyone who tells you otherwise is lying.

Father Marcus Keane (Ben Daniels) from The Exorcist series

Memory functions best by association, so reading @antirococoreaction​‘s list immediately got me thinking about The Exorcist and Father Marcus. Just like Cardinal Gutierrez, he is both a man of faith and a mlm. And while his orientation is not the focus of the show, it’s present, layered and realistic in all of it - credit to openly gay actor Ben Daniels who portrays him. It’s especially present in his relationship with the other lead, portrayed by Alfonso Herrera as a young, charismatic priest whom the Church sees as a political pawn, whom I could also have chosen for this list. Just like I could have chosen John Cho as the single foster father of adopted “problem” children who has to cope with the death of his wife. See, what’s extraordinary about The Exorcist series is exactly what I was talking about in the intro : whatever masculinity means, it doesn’t take it for granted. Which is why the second season manages to have three male leads that are all incredible characters, incredibly good people, while vastly different from one another. Marcus is probably the most “morally grey” of the three, but in what that term sholuld mean rather than what mainstream media tends to make of it. Marcus in an unquestionably good person in a world where doing good often means making excrutiating choices. Marcus is someone devastated by these choices, who has to try and find hope again, guided in part by the young Father Tomas. While Marcus roughly fits the “jadded brooding lead” archetype, but in every detail of his character and portrayal he is imbued by a depth that’s rare in the horror genre. I will never forgive Fox for cancelling this gem of a series right as both the plot and the main characters were coming at a turning point. My advice if you want to watch it : don’t read anything, just go in blind.

Jean-Baptiste Adamsberg from the Adamsberg novels (Fred Vargas)

Adamsberg is a cop. I know that’s a dealbreaker for some people, and I respect that. But his profession seems almost incidental to the character. Adamsberg shouldn’t be a cop, Adamsberg is that guy you see in the street who stops all of the sudden, fascinated by something, and it drives you crazy that you don’t see what. Adamsberg is a dreamer, he feels things rather that he knows them, and yet somehow is always right in the end. He’s like a magician. He’s not always kind. He can be violent. He’s not always clever. In fact, sometimes he acts downright stupid. Yet there is always this kindness, this intelligence around him, about the way people are and the way people should be. When I was a kid, the Adamsberg series was the first I read in which, hearing another man using a degrading language to talk about women, the main character immediately shut him down. As I grew up, I came to think of Adamsberg as the way women wished men were, though they weren’t. In reality, there is a lot in Adamsberg that’s exactly how men are, both good and bad. He’s a character who shouldn’t feel real yet does in the strange, poetic world created by Fred Vargas for what is one of the strangest crime series I’ve ever read. If the Doctor was the protagonist of a crime series, they would be Adamsberg. Growing up afab, Adamsberg was one of the few male protagonists I didn’t feel actively disrespected by as I was reading. The first four books of the series, The Chalk Circle Man, Seeking whom he may devour, Have mercy on us all and Wash this blood clean from my hand, are absolute classics I heartily recommend. It’s some of the smartest, weirdest crime novels out there.

Zeno Ligre from The Abyss (Marguerite Yourcenar)

I... God, what do you even say about what may well be your favourite character in all of literature, in what may well be your favourite book ? I fell in love in Zeno when I was fifteen, fell as hard as you could for someone who didn’t exist. Zeno starts the story as a young adult and ends it as an old man. You follow his entire life, from his childhood as the bastard child in a rich belgian family in the 16th Century, to becoming a respected yet feared and misunderstood alchemist, all through the turmoil of religious and political wars and plagues. Zeno is the best representation of what it was truly like to be a man ahead of his time in a time of intolerance and obscurantism. As an isolated high schooler who felt like I had nothing in common with my peers, you can imagine how I could relate. The Abyss is a strange, dense book which I probably read too soon, but which absolutely enthralled me to the point that I refused to even open another book weeks after finishing it because I simply couldn’t bear the thought not to be still reading The Abyss. It made History and Philosophy realer than any of my classes. And front and center of it is Zeno, Zeno you see grow and age, with whom you discover and fear, who utterly captures you with how grand a man can truly be, how extraordinary life itself, from beginning to end, is. Zeno is a man trying to shine a light on the world, trying to live by the precepts of philosophers, and once again is faced by what being a good man means, and whether it even matters to be one in a world such as the Middle Ages. I don’t know what to say except read it, and you’ll see why I’m at such a loss for words. Oh, and you might cry a lot. I know I did, not necessarily because it was sad, but simply because it was over, and I couldn’t read it for the first time again.

Here you have it. Wow, that was way too long.

And of course there’s almost no one left for me to tag, because we’re like 15 people talking in a circle.

[yyh-revival]

Alot of people draw parallels between Kurama and Kurapika, Hiei and Killua, Yusuke and Gon, Kuwabara and Leorio But no one comments on how Karasu is this weird hybrid of Ilumi and Hisoka. ( Also Sensui and Chrollo)

Wish I could help you there, but I only saw I think two seasons? Maybe one season. *shrugs* I could never get into Hunter x Hunter. I have a few theories for why, I think, but it’s all super subjective. One of my friends is the exact opposite, obsessed with HxH and unable to enjoy Yu Yu Hakusho.

If you are a fan of HxH, I strongly advise you don’t read this. These are my personal opinions on why I cannot stand the show, not a detailed analysis of the show itself or objective view of its merit. Will be under cut.

Also I am sleep deprived and potentially tipsy so this will likely not be coherent. *finger guns*

Anyway, for me, HxH always felt… too on the nose? Too Naruto-like, in a way? Here, meet Gon, he’s a super nice and friendly dude, but oh no, he has a tragic past because his dad is missing… And now he wants to be just like his dad, who is missing, so why is he emulating a dude he doesn’t know? And here, meet Killua, he’s a psychopath and he’s like 10. Instead of getting this kid a therapist the older characters around him are going to encourage him to go kill people. Oh yes, these children are also murderers. Meet Kurapika, the Kurama of the group, who is also a bishie, is low-key scary, intelligent, caring, and also has a tragic past! Yay… And Leorio… I confess I don’t know shit about him. But he probably has a tragic past.

Okay, I am probably being too harsh on this show. I know it’s beloved by many people. But the constant pushing of “tragic!! So sad!!” and “child murder! Yay!” Is just not my cup of tea. 

YYH did this way better, in my opinion. The tragedy is there, but it’s layered on slowly. Hiei, who arguably has one of the most tragic childhoods a shonen character ever experienced, doesn’t actually tell us what happened to him until the show is almost over. We get to learn who he is, what makes him tick, we get to love him, ponder about his past, get invested. Then we are given the sad. But HxH is like Naruto in the fact that it just shoves it into our face, as if to say, “hey, this character had a bad childhood, you should feel sorry for them and love them.” I just hate that. 

And Gon… that friendly optimism is just… weird? He feels 2-d to me, not like a real child. Whereas the imperfect Yusuke acts exactly as you’d expect a child in his position to act. He has daddy issues because he never had a father. He has issues with authority because his mother was awful and he never felt safe or comforted by the adults around him. He gravitates towards male role models and at the same time rejects them. He respects only one authority, Genkai, because she is the first adult who taught him what he found useful. His kindness, his empathy, all that is earned. When Yusuke tells Genkai he cares about her, when he cries over her death, we believe it and we feel it, because we saw what he was like when he didn’t care, when he didn’t have an adult to turn to. It’s like a child that had been neglected all his life who was suddenly thrust into a foster home or an orphanage where one cranky lady is done with life, so she’s honest and raw and doesn’t throw platitudes into his face, and he respects that. He gravitates to it the same way 9th grade students do to the teacher who uses swear words in class and isn’t afraid to show the Romeo and Juliet movie that has the *gasp* boobie in it. His relationship with Genkai is realistic and earned, and genuine like crazy, and when he mourns her, the first and only adult he respected, loved, and felt safe with, we all mourn with him…

But Gon? I don’t know. He just put me off from the start. He doesn’t seem to have a reason for being so damn friendly. He doesn’t seem to act like a normal human being at all. He’s just this weird 2-d cartoon that tries to kill with kindness and be just like his missing dad instead of, ya know, doing the realistic thing and having a complicated relationship with him. Like, Yusuke doesn’t hate Atsuko. But he sure does blame her for lots of things. I can interject my own childhood here, because my feelings toward family are also complicated. I know the “missing parent” thing really well because my parents lived in a different county for half of my childhood, and I can tell you, while I understood why they did it, and loved them, and appreciated with all my heart the sacrifices they made… I still did, and still do, blame them for robbing me of a normal childhood. Of robbing me of a relationship with them. Of robbing me of that mother-daughter best friend dynamic, of being able to tell them all my secrets and feel like they’re part of my life and not just distant parental figures I respect and love the way the religious love and respect their gods. And Yusuke is the same. His relationships with all the adults in his life, even some of the other kids, are complicated and layered and realistic. He knows his mother had a raw dealing having him at what, 15? But he also blames her for not doing more… Hiei, how does he feel, knowing that his mother died, instead of leaving the Glacier Village during her pregnancy or right after birth to go look for him? How does he feel knowing she stayed there, and died there? It wasn’t her fault. She was heartbroken, she was exhausted from giving birth, and she was weak and scared and alone… it’s even implied she committed suicide. And if she did, don’t you think Hiei might still feel complicated about it? Don’t you think he might feel like she should have been stronger, for him, for this small child that didn’t deserve his fate? She should have lived and left the village and searched for him! She should have looked even if she knew he was dead, if nothing else then to bury him! That’s the sort of thoughts I bet once ran through his mind…

But Gon? Nothing. Just… love for mom and idealizing dad. It’s boring, unrealistic, and I hate it.

Killua, my friend’s favorite shonen character (if not favorite anime character) of all time is literally one of my least favorite, and the only character I might have liked, Kurapika, was clearly ripping off of Kurama, whip and all included. So I just could never finish the show.

As for the Karasu question, technically, he came first, so those other characters are based on him. But from what I did actually see of Hisoka… he’s like an evil pedo (right?? I heard something like that??) clown. That’s what he is. How is he threatening? This isn’t even a rhetorical question. Creepy, maybe. But I’d just feel slightly uneased by him and then call the police if he came near me. If Karasu had his eyes on me like he did on Kurama, I’d probably shit my pants, let’s be real. 

Karasu was a sadist. He was thrilled by the “intimacy between murderer and victim.” And the scariest shit of all? You can sorta understand him. When you murder someone, you are the only person in the world to see what happens to them. You have complete control over that person. You are their god, deciding if they are worthy of life or death. It’s an urge you can theorize about, can talk about, can even understand to a degree. But Hisoka? He uh, wears clown clothes and chases Gon? Or something? He makes scary faces? Karasu doesn’t have to even show his face to be terrifying. He just has to talk about his hobbies and his beliefs. Hell, the moment she shows up you feel something is up. I saw Hisoka like, at least 10 times and I still don’t know shit bout him. Karasu had like, 3-4 speaking scenes and they all made him fucking scarier with each one. I felt like each scene with Hisoka added absolutely zero to the show. Not to mention how fucking slow it was…

I feel like having a character target your young protagonist and make creepy faces at them is just lazy. Dude is, and I know Naruto came after, but that’s the show I saw first and actually know a thing or two about (till whenever shippuden started). So dude is just like Orochimaru. Now I was never scared of that guy, I just thought he was a total creeper. To me, there were way scarier moments. Hell, even Gaara’s brother, when he like, trapped a guy inside a puppet and then blood dripped out? Was that him? Anyway, that moment was way freakier than anything Orochimaru did. Karasu’s like 3 scenes were way more psychologically scary than all of Orochimaru’s scenes put together. And I got the same vibe from Hisoka as Orochimaru. The, he’s creepy and these kids should definitely find an adult asap, and not “holy fuck that’s a mass kidnapper/rapist/torturer/murderer and holy hell I am fascinated and also terrified and holy shit Kurama run run run!” 

*shrugs* Karasu is honestly probably the scariest villain in YYH, too. Only because he enjoys torture and murder, and he explains why. And the explanation makes fucking sense and its so terrifying that I can’t

and he also doesn’t look like a clown. That’s a major plus. I’m not and never will be scared of clowns. Like… its a clown. Its colorful and does weird shit. How is that scary? No, demonic looking motherfuckers with long ass ink black hair and eyes that glow purple with glee at the thought of ripping blood curling screams out of someone in front of a giant ass audience, and lamenting that they wish they could fucking keep him and I dont know fucking fuck his corpse is that what he meant cause holy fuck!??! 

Anyway, Karasu gives me nightmares and I love him and I don’t care for HxH and I need sleep and love you all very much please don’t hate me for disliking this show I really did give it like, three separate chances. *shrugs*

- Mod Lola

[mykidsgay]

Getting Your Kids Involved in Activism

“I used to think my six- and eight-year-olds were too little to be going to rallies with my husband and I, but the horrors of Trump have made me change my tune a bit. Any tips on how to talk to my kids about activism and Trump, and whether going to a march with them is too much? Thanks!”

Question Submitted Anonymously Answered by Jamie Bruesehoff

—

Jamie Says:

It’s really amazing how much the past year has changed our perspective on the world. The morning after the election, I remember telling my seven-year-old son the news. He asked if we could move to Ohio. After a quick geography lesson reminding him that Ohio was still in the United States, he asked if we could move to another country instead. To be clear, that wasn’t something we had discussed in our home. In fact, we had avoided a lot of election talk. We don’t watch the news or talk politics, but my children had somehow still absorbed the contention and anxiety of this election from the world around them. They had absorbed it in bits and pieces; whether they read a newspaper headline at the grocery store or heard something a kid said at school, we unpacked each piece as they brought it home. My seven-year-old son knew enough to know that a Trump presidency was not a good thing for people he cared about, especially his transgender sister and his biracial cousin. He came up with the same solution many others had joked about along the way or some even strongly considered: he wanted to leave the country. I didn’t blame him. In that moment, I was having my own crisis of fight or flight as I tried to process our new reality, but my response to him is one I have come back to many days since then. I told him we could not move, because there is too much work to be done. We have to be braver and kinder than ever before. We have to work in earnest to stand up for and with the most vulnerable in our country. He knew right away what I meant. He nodded his head and named his cousin and his sister among those vulnerable. “Yes,” I responded, “Trans kids and kids whose skin isn’t white. People whose religion isn’t the same as ours, people who speak different languages, and people who come from different places.” The list could go on and on, but he got it. That moment defined how I approached activism and the Trump presidency with my kids.

I know there are a lot of people who suggest we should shelter our children from all of this while we can, let them just be kids, and protect their innocence, but our kids are absorbing far more than we are aware and are far more capable than we give them credit. It is important to be mindful of our children’s mental and emotional development as we navigate this with our children, but simply hiding it from them isn’t the solution.

The human experience is rooted in struggle. Life is hard, and there’s no avoiding that. It’s true on both a micro and a macro level, and children begin learning that from birth. Our culture seems to be coming to terms with the idea that protecting our young people from failure isn’t effective or healthy. Parenting advice is shifting. Not everyone needs a trophy. Parents don’t need to come to the rescue at every turn. Young people have to learn to navigate the world and the successes and failures along the way in order to grow into adults who can thrive. It doesn’t mean they have to do it alone, but we can’t protect them from the struggle.

Glennon Melton, an author and speaker whom I adore, talks about the need to run towards our pain, instead of from it, because that’s where we grow. She speaks of this in reference to her own personal growth but also in how we parent. Our role as parents is not to shelter our kids from every painful experience, every proverbial fire, but to raise children who—with our love and support—have walked through enough painful experiences to know they are fireproof. This shifts our children from the victims of the story into the protagonists, adventuring through the ups and downs of life, knowing that they don’t have to hide under the covers, they too can go and fight dragons.

If we shift our gaze from the individual to the national and global, I’d say the same is true. Children aren’t too young to know there is suffering in the world, because they’ve known it all along as part of the human experience. We can show our kids the pain and injustice in the world—that this isn’t who we as a country were meant to be—and give them the opportunity to become protagonists in our collective story. That’s where activism comes in. Activism is showing our kids that there is pain, suffering, and injustice while also showing them that we are not helpless bystanders. We can work together to change the world.

So, what does that look like? This is the tricky and the fun part. It’s tricky because there’s no one-size-fits-all answer, but it’s fun because this is where you get to be creative and learn alongside your kids. First and foremost, it is our responsibility to understand our children’s individual temperaments, personalities, and maturity and to ensure they feel safe and secure to the best of our ability. We have to be especially aware of not dumping our anxieties about these contentious times on them. Luckily, activism doesn’t have to be big and dramatic. It doesn’t have to be major protests—although it definitely can be.

At its core, activism is about going beyond just talking about the problems of the world and creating change with our actions. That is something we can start teaching our children from the time they can talk, or even before. When someone is hurting, we don’t just sit by and watch. We do something. When we see a wrong, we don’t just sit by and watch. We do something. Teach them about their rights, their bodies, and consent. Foster empathy. Talk with them about how it feels to be left out. Figure out ways you can show kindness every day for each other, for strangers, or for your community. Books are a wonderful conversation starter—here is a great list of books for young activists to get you started. Learn about people who don’t look, live, worship, or speak like you. Learn about the civil rights movement and activists throughout history. Learn about the legislative process and what our elected officials do. Then, take a field trip to meet your legislator if you can, or write them letters if you can’t. If a march feels like too much, make your own signs to decorate your home as a reminder, or find a smaller local march that isn’t quite as overwhelming. Of course, that’s not to say that you can’t take your kids to marches or protests! If you do, safety comes first. Make sure you know the area and where you’re going. Stay on the outskirts of the crowd and always have an exit plan. Pay attention to your kids. Are they overwhelmed? Time to go! I took my ten-year-old daughter to the Women’s March in Washington, D.C., and it was an incredible experience for us both. At the same time, I knew I wasn’t up for navigating that crowd with my two- and seven-year-old children. Instead, they’ve joined us for smaller, local rallies where I felt I could keep everyone safe, both physically and emotionally.

Activism is empowering. There’s nothing more overwhelming than seeing the world spinning out of control right before our eyes while feeling as if there is absolutely nothing we can do, but activism teaches us that there is something we can do. By raising young activists, by helping our children learn about the world and its suffering in age-appropriate ways, and then by responding to it, we are raising young people who will be more resilient human beings and better global citizens. After my kid asked if we could leave the country and run away from the pain and the struggle of this administration, it became incredibly important to me that all my children know we will not move. We will act; we will create change. We still stand up for the most vulnerable. We will declare Black Lives Matter. We will continue to fight for LGBTQ rights. We will love our neighbors who are Muslim, who are Latinx, who are immigrants. We will be a voice for refugees. We will fight for women, their worth, their rights to their bodies, their rights to their lives. We will love. We will build peace while others work so hard to build walls, and we will do it in our homes, our classrooms, our communities, our legislative bodies, and beyond.

***

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[voightsgirl]

crossfire: volume i - chapter 17

a/n here’s part two of the previous scene, hope you enjoy some feisty jay!!!     & previous chapters can be found here

☆ the best chance she has ☆

"You're wrong."

His voice was slow and he tried to keep his anger contained but it could still be heard in the tense vibrato that ricocheted around the room and found its mark right in the social worker's back. She stopped when she felt the words hit her, and turned around.

"Excuse me?" her voice was incredulous.

"I said," Jay repeated, no longer trying to keep his voice down. They were in the bullpen in front of all his colleagues, sure, and he was sure he'd face hell from Voight when this was over, but he found that he just didn't care. Not this time. "You don't know what you're talking about. Every day, Erin and I, we come to work and we see people shot, and raped, and tortured, and abused! Everything that Avery's been through, everything she's seen - so have we! Yeah, maybe we're not the perfect guardians – we're damaged goods, but who isn't? Did you ever think that maybe that's exactly the reason why we would be so good at looking after her?"

Sharon narrowed her eyes, but before she could speak, Jay cut her off. His voice had risen to a shout, the same voice he used when he was trying to intimidate a suspect into a confession.

"Listen to me. You take this away from Avery, and you've taken away the only people who are fighting for her right now. Because who else is? Her best friend was just killed, for God's sake! She's completely alone! And the one person who is supposed to be helping her is trying to take away the best opportunity this kid has had in years!"

Voight had left his office at some point during this commotion, but Jay only just now noticed, as he shifted in the corner of his vision. He was expecting his usually stern boss to interrupt the interaction but instead he seemed as transfixed and shocked as the rest of his unit. He was, too. He hadn't realized that Jay felt so strongly about this – naturally, he'd assumed that he would be supportive of Erin and when Erin had told him that Jay wasn't actually a hundred percent down with the idea, Voight had been mildly surprised. Now, he was sure he'd been right all along: no matter whether Halstead was entirely comfortable with the situation or not, no matter what his personal opinions were, he was ready to fight like hell for what Erin wanted. In spite of the seriousness of the situation and the scene that was playing out in the middle of his bullpen, he smiled.

Jay must really, really, love her.

Sharon looked almost as shocked as the rest of the unit, who were sat there, gawping at their colleague, who was normally so calm, shouting at a red-faced and pointed looking social worker. But no one said anything, hoping that Jay would continue.

"You take Erin Lindsay away from this kid and you take away the best chance she's got," he spoke quietly, but the silence in the room meant that everyone – even Atwater, who was hovering in the hallway pretending that he was staring intently at the door frame and hoping Jay hadn't noticed him (which he had, of course) – could hear him.

And those words seemed to speak louder than any he had shouted at her in his anger.

The social worker blinked.

"Okay," she stuttered. "Thank you for, uh…your – honesty. I will…I'll think about it."

"Thank you," Jay said coldly, and turned on his heel and stalked over to his desk where he sat down and switched on his computer, staring intently at the screen and making a big show of typing away at nothing until she had left and he could finally breathe.

Jay could feel the eyes of everyone he worked with on him, burning a hole in his wall of pretend nonchalance after his outburst – or the heat that he was feeling would have been his anger. He couldn't explain why he was so angry at Sharon for what he had said. It wasn't like he didn't already know that he and Erin would probably be turned down as official foster parents if they were ever to apply in the conventional way, but something about the way she said it, or the fact that she said it all to him while he was in his place of work – there were photos of dead children Avery's age, photos of Avery's friend, on the murderboard right outside where they were sat, for God's sake! – that really got under his skin. Maybe it was just the sudden realization, after seeing Avery the way she was the previous night, that Erin had been right all along, and that there really was no one looking out for the hundreds of Averys across Chicago who didn't have an Erin Lindsay to fight for them.

Or maybe it was just Erin Lindsay.

(Who was he kidding? It was always Erin Lindsay.)

Because despite everything Jay already knew about her past, everything he'd seen and experienced with Bunny, and Jimmy, and Charlie, and Annie, and Teddy and Justin and Voight…he would never, ever be able to reconcile himself with the fact that a little over fifteen years ago, Erin had been Avery.

And the thought of Erin Lindsay not being allowed to stay with Voight just because he didn't look good enough on paper or in front of lawyers; the image of Erin in Avery's thin, bruised and beaten body, high on God knows what and scared as hell and cowering in a dark alleyway without a Voight to save her and help her and love her; the thought of Erin being denied the future that she had grown into so radiantly and saved countless lives because of…

That made Jay angrier than he'd ever even known was possible – and he'd known a lot of anger in his day.

And now that he thought about it, it all seemed perfectly clear: of course Erin was the reason.

As far as he was concerned, Erin Lindsay was always the reason.

☆

When Jay made it home after shift – still not much progress on the case, although Antonio was working on a CI that may be able to get them a sit down with one of the low level dealers in the gang – Erin and Avery were waiting for him.

"So how was your day?" Erin greeted him, a knowing look etched into her concerned eyebrows as she kissed him on the cheek and Avery slurped loudly on a can of diet coke from the breakfast bar.

"I, uh…Erin, can I speak to you for a second? Alone?" he asked quietly, and Avery took the hint, jumping down from the stool.

"Don't get too frisky," she raised an eyebrow. "I'm here, remember, so apologies if your sex life is a little compromised because of me."

Erin snorted and then remembered that she was meant to be a responsible adult and put on her telling-off face. "Avery!" she scolded, but she couldn't hold it properly. She softened. "Get out of here," she shooed her, and as Avery disappeared into the other room, Erin turned to face Jay. "Babe, what is it?" Her voice turned serious when she noticed the grave expression on his face.

"Erin I'm really sorry," he looked up at her from where she had sat at the table. "I think I might've blown it for you and Avery."

Erin's face seemed to fall temporarily, but when she spoke again, it was soft and loving and pure, and Jay realized that her seeming disappointment hadn't been directed at him, but it was for him, because she loved him, and of course she already knew about what had happened, because Voight had witnessed it; but even though he knew all this, Jay still didn't understand why she wasn't angry at him, and – why was she smiling?

"Babe," she took his face between her hands and lifted his chin so that he was looking into her hazel eyes and she could see that his own blue ones had glossed over with tears and guilt and she smiled at him because "it's okay. Hank told me what happened, and it's okay. I told her the exact same thing. I just got off the phone with Sharon, she said the placement is fine."

"You're not mad at me?" Jay bit his lip.

"Jay," she shushed him. And as if to prove her point, she bent over and kissed him lightly on the lips, "I'm not mad. I love you. I love you so much and I'm so grateful to you because I know this wasn't easy for you and I know that taking in a fourteen year old probably doesn't fit with your life plan but Avery needs our help and I don't know if I could do it on my own. And I love you. Also Burgess said you kicked ass today, and I couldn't be prouder."

Jay laughed a little, sniffling slightly through the tears that had welled up throughout Erin's little speech, and Erin stroked the side of his face.

"She had it coming," she giggled. "For sure. It's about time someone told her."

"Thanks," Jay breathed, leaning into her hand. "I love you, too."

Before they could kiss again, Avery came barging through the door loudly. Erin and Jay pulled apart hastily, embarrassed, and turned to face Avery in the doorway.

"Okay," Avery announced. "So what time are we leaving?"

Jay shot Erin a confused glance and Erin grinned back at him. "I forgot to tell you!" she said, clapping her hands to her mouth. "Sharon wants to meet us for dinner. Since it's Avery's first official night here, she said it would be good to get away and have some time on a more neutral grounds."

Jay's face fell dramatically. "I – uh…don't think that's the best idea," he muttered.

"Jay. It'll be fine. Anyway, since Avery's technically in protective custody, this technically counts as overtime. And, like I said, there's not much she can do about it now. She has all the official documentation, so she needs better cause than you just yelling at her –"

"You yelled at my social worker?" Avery interrupted. "Nice!" she raised her hand for a high five but Jay just scowled and her hand dropped feebly to her side.

"Anyway," Erin glared at Avery. "If this dinner goes well, and it will, she won't have any reason to pull the plug."

"Okay, fine," Jay said. "But only 'cause it's overtime." He stood up to go chance, and, without thinking, Erin slapped his ass as he left, and Jay laughed loudly as he made his way into their bedroom, leaving Erin to blush violently at the look on Avery's face, who was just staring at her in baffled amusement, eyebrows raised.

"Okaaaaay," Avery said sarcastically, with a hint of disgust on her teenage features. "You can go after him if you want," she whispered out of the corner of her mouth to Erin, which only made the detective blush even more. "Don't bench yourself on my account."

Recovering herself, Erin frowned. "Avery," she warned. After a moment's pause, she muttered under her breath, "but actually. Yes. I do need to change." She got up and followed Jay into the bedroom.

"Don't worry, I'll turn up the TV!" Avery yelled from the living room.

"Jay!" Erin hissed as she joined him.

"Yeah?" he mumbled. He was utterly shirtless but had started changing into a suit.

"Do you think this is all just a huge mistake?" Erin asked, her voice suddenly nervous and her face creased with anxiety. "I mean, Sharon was right in what she told me – I don't know the first thing about raising a teenager!"

Jay stopped looking through his wardrobe and walked over to his girlfriend, placing his hands on her shoulders protectively. It was funny, he thought to himself, how much could change in a few minutes – how he could go from being so vulnerable and leaning on her so much to the complete other way around – but he guessed that was just their relationship in a nutshell. Leaning on each other, needing each other's support, even if they didn't want it.

"Erin," he whispered. "This is only a temporary placement. No one's asking you to raise her."

Erin just sighed, her eyes fluttering down to the floor.

"Hey," he said, lifting her chin up so that she had no choice but to look him straight in the face. "Do you remember what you said to me in the breakroom last week?"

She shook her head slowly, not quite sure what he was referring to.

"The day we babysat Owen together, you said you were worried because nothing would go wrong." Recognition flitted across her face as she remembered the moment he was talking about. "You said you were scared because you didn't know how to deal with people who aren't broken, because you only know how to fix people."

Erin swallowed. She wasn't sure where this was going.

"And as much as I believe that this isn't true, Avery isn't one of those people. She's as broken as they come. You wanted somebody to fix? So fix her."

"But what if it's like last time?" Erin whispered back, finally voicing the fear that had been eating away at her for days.

"What do you mean?" Jay reached forward and listed a loose section of hair that had fallen over her face and he tucked it behind her ear.

"I mean," she took a shaky breath. "What if it's like Nadia?"

Her voice was so quiet, so fragile, so broken as she whispered those words that Jay's heart broke for her.

"It won't be," was all he could think of to reassure her, but that wasn't fair. How could he possible promise that?

"How can you be so sure?" Erin replied, evidently thinking the same thing.

"Because I'm here this time, for good. You don't have to do this alone. We'll do it together. We'll keep her safe."

And Erin hadn't realized how much she'd needed to hear those words – we'll do it together – how much she'd needed to hear them from him, until they'd been spoken and suddenly she was so overwhelmed by his love for her and his constant and unwavering support that she crashed her body into his, wrapping her arms around him to tightly that he didn't quite know what to do with himself; the air was almost knocked out of him as her head buried into his bare chest and it took a few moments before his arms returned the favor, squeezing her shoulders so tightly he hoped all her broken pieces would fit back together.

"Thank you," she whispered. "Thank you."

☆ ☆ ☆

thank you all so much for reading and supporting this fic!! if you’d like to be notified when it’s updated either head over to my ff.net account or message me and i’ll tag you at the end of the post :)

@allenting @sophiaxjesse @writteninthestarsandthesky @riverdaleangels@chillmydude @halsteadpd

[multiracialmedia-blog]

Stages of Being Biracial: Briana Pipkin Âû

    Age 7: My realization about race probably comes later than many. I always thought people with brown/dark skin were black & people with light skin were white. I had only seen Hispanics & Asians sparingly around town, but I never gave much thought about these two groups since I never saw them at school. When I began 2nd grade, kids asked me if I was adopted. I knew I wasn’t, but when they asked me why my mom was brown & I was white, I didn’t know the answer. I asked my mom if I was adopted & she told me I wasn’t. She told me that I was black, but I was just light. I asked my paternal grandfather what my race was & he said “whatever you want it to be”. Probably not the best answer when a kid has no concept of race, so I told kids that I was white like my dad. They accepted it and we would go about our day. My dad and his grandfather are also light (my grandfather was often mistaken for a white man), so whenever they came to my school, the image seemed to match up. Random adults often told me “you look like the little girl from Eve’s Bayou (Jurnee Smollett)”.

  Hello! My name is Briana Pipkin Âû and this is my Stages of Being Biracial. 

Also age 7: One of my childhood friends was a black girl I grew up with. Her parents were very pro-black (her mom strongly dislike white people). She loved to play with dolls, so I would always bring my doll from the animated movie “Anastasia”. I had black & white Barbie dolls, but I hated them and was a complete tomboy. I intentionally broke the Barbie dolls & only cared for Disney dolls since I love the movies. My friend’s mom always felt the need to comment about why I shouldn’t have white dolls, I shouldn’t wear flip flops, listen to rock music (these were all white people things), have white friends, or like white boys because white people smelled like wet dogs. She would sometimes call me “Sarah Jane” (tragic mulatta character from Imitation of Life 1959 version). I didn’t see the movie until I was 12, but when I finally did, the comment pissed me off. I definitely developed personal issues when it came to color, but not to that extreme. My friend eventually picked up her mom’s views when it came to race, so I stopped going to her house as often. We still keep in touch because our families are close & we grew up thinking we were cousins.

11: “White bitch” became my nickname at a new school. This was the first school I attended that was predominately black & Mexican. Mexican kids didn’t like me because they knew I wasn’t Mexican. They also didn’t like 2 Cuban girls who were cousins. The black kids didn’t like me because they didn’t think I was black. They constantly called me “white bitch”, “stuck up”, pulled my hair, etc. I got into my first physical fight & surprisingly, I was the one who walked away without bruises & a black eye. It was my first time experiencing colorism. The only people I had to talk to were the 2 Cuban girls & the only white girl in our grade (possibly the school). I developed ideas about color superiority, which is why I’m very quick to tell people that this is not always taught at home. This lasted until I got into high school.

  12: I started at a Catholic school for 7th grade. An 8th grade boy from New Orleans asked me if I was Creole like him. I didn’t know what that was, but he told me that I likely was because I looked like it. I asked my paternal grandfather if we were Creole & he said that we were. He taught me about our family history & it made sense why dishes like gumbo, Étouffée, crawfish cornbread, jambalaya, etc were common in the house, especially during Thanksgiving. I later became aware that there is not actually Creole “look”, but my dad’s family fits the physical stereotype that people think of: Light skin and “good” hair that isn’t tightly curled. Everyone except for me & my dad also have light colored eyes. The boy from my school definitely looked like he could have been my brother.

15: I was accepted into an Arts Magnet high school that’s considered one of the most diverse schools in the city. I was best friends with a mulatto girl and it was the first time I knew another mulatto person outside of my family. While there was a pretty close number between black & white students (only a handful of Hispanics & even fewer Asians), we still mostly kept separate racial groups when it came to hanging out. My main circle until graduation consisted of the biracial girl & 2 white girls, but I got along & spoke to many black or Hispanic schoolmates. Some white girls seemed to be fond of telling me how I wasn’t “really black” and that’s why they were friends with me, but not with “real” black people. In my ignorance, I took it as a compliment. I had just started going natural around this time, but transitioned with my hair flat ironed. Many of the kids & even teachers would initially take me as Hispanic or white. My mom & I would always laugh about teachers reactions when they saw her for the first time. I had a racist math teacher who seated us according to race with whites in the front & blacks in the back. I was on the very first row with one of my white friends & 2 other girls. My mom came to class to get me early one day & when I started to get up, the teacher told me to sit back down & she looked at the other students in the back to see who would get up. My mom said she was there for me & the teacher looked at me with her mouth wide open. As I was getting ready to leave, a girl who was on the row with me whispered “is that your mammy?” I thought it was her way of saying mom, so I said it was. Once I found out about a year later what she really asked, I wanted to slap her. I was about 98% accepting of the fact that I was mixed, but the other 2% still wanted to be white. Not because of viewing them as better or blacks as less, but I was frustrated when I would hear from white students, mostly girls, that I was “almost” white. What the hell was “almost”? I found out it was because I have a “black” nose & as what was meant to be good advice, if I got a nose job, I could be white. I also heard the “almost” white remarks from the white women at my mom’s job, but I don’t know what “almost” meant to them.

Also age 15 (maybe 16): My black aunt, whom I’m very close to, was a foster mother. She always had black or biracial kids (black/white), but at one point, she got a 3 or 4 year old white girl. She was very sweet & loving at first, but didn’t feel comfortable around men. The men in my family are black, so I’m not sure if it was a race thing or males in general, but she always screamed and cried whenever they tried to touch her. She was allowed visitation with her grandmother & in the weeks that followed, the girl’s behavior changed. Her mother later told my aunt that the grandmother was racist, so she had likely painted a bad image of black people that scared the girl. She started acting out, but was always very well behaved when I babysat her & she always wanted to be with me. While I was giving her a bath one night, she told me that she didn’t like black people. “I like you because you’re white like me” she told me. I didn’t want to crush her or make her scared, so I didn’t correct her. I still think about all the foster kids, especially her.

College: I attended university in southeast TX. On the positive side, there was a large mixed community, mostly of Creoles, and the culture was very present. Nobody stared at me or asked “what are you” unless it was a student who didn’t really know about the city. I bonded with an older Creole student & her family felt and looked like my dad’s. I spent a lot of time with them. On the downside, the mindset of many people were still stuck in the 1950’s. Not only with race, but the idea that women should take care of the house, men are dominant, etc. This was seen across race & age groups. One of my favorite sociology professors was Jewish & she talked about the death threats/harassment she would get for being Jewish & how it would increase during the semester when she talked about white privilege. I learned that people my age (late teens-early 20s) thought the word “colored” was an appropriate term. I took the time to educate them if I could tell in other ways that they weren’t intentionally trying to be rude. A student who was 22 hadn’t even met a black person until she came to college. My hair, when straightened, came down right to my chest, so I explained many times that my hair doesn’t grow long just because of white ancestry. Since my look was common there, it didn’t fool other races like it did at home. I spent my time at university hanging out with people of color with the exception of a Cajun woman in my major who was much more intelligent & open-minded. I also had my first experience with discrimination when I applied to school’s graduate program. I wasn’t accepted & when I questioned the department chair, I was told it was because I made a “C” in a class. One “C” the entire 3 years (I graduated early). I guess when you have blonde hair or your dad is a judge, you can make several C’s while being outwardly disrespectful to professors & still get into graduate school. At least that’s what I was shown. Grades & the fact that most of my professors, including the department chair, praised my intelligence in class didn’t really matter. I rarely ever come to the initial conclusion that race is a factor for when people are treated unfairly, but in this case, I couldn’t think of any other possible explanation especially after I retook the class again and made an “A” only to once again be denied.

  Briana is a 25 year old who was born and raised in Texas. She enjoys reading, watching movies, and learning more about race relations in America.

  Stages of Being Biracial: Briana Pipkin Âû if you want to check out other voices of the Multiracial Community click here Multiracial Media

[beforethoughts]

I remember when I was really young I liked watching the biography channel because I sometimes liked hearing stories of celebrities before they were famous because I related to some of them so well, they were always misfits and had terrible parents or something.

I remember growing up I used to day dream about being famous all of the time and I had always wanted to be an artist since I was really young. It wasn't something I consciously it’s jut something I felt really strongly inside, like “I am supposed to be artist” and I just felt certain, I am going to be an artist one day. I never worried about things because I just felt that so strongly.

Anyway, my family was really blue collar working class and we never really had very much money. My family moved to this small town when I was really young, it was really rural and western, kind of a farming town and I always hated it. My parents were always gone working, and I was raised by an assortment of baby setters. I remember when I was younger staying/living with different families because my parents would drop me off because they’d work for long periods far away. Because they left me and I would never stop. In some ways other adults were acted more like real then my real parents did most of the time. I remember feeling the warm embrace of all of these girls who babysetted me. I don’t know if I was straight then, or if it made me more straight but I know I remember loving it, lol. I just remember really appreciating them taking care of me, and I always felt thankful that at least they cared about me.I’m pretty sure my mom just left me at places for weeks at a time, and there’s pictures of me at other people’s homes and there’s just something painful looking at those photos. Where’s my parents? who knows. The way my mother was she probably would had preferred giving me away because I “cried too much” or something. My dad was always gone as well, I felt like I hardly knew him, there’s so many things my parents never told me. I mean, why was my dad “gone working” for month’s and so many long periods of time. I remember for so many years of my life thinking, who was this man? there was always all this contention around me, and I remember always feeling all this resentment. I have always thought that my parents just didn’t want me and I think that’s all it came down to. I remember there was one baby setter who I loved, she had dark hair and blue eyes and ever since then I had always loved women who had those features. We would spend lots of time just talking to each for a really long time, she was one of the only people I felt like I could connect with in the world.

I remember telling people I wanted to be an artist when i was really young and my family would just discourage me or ignore me. They always hated the idea and for some reason not only resented me but saw me as inferior and a burden. I just always felt that way how they treated me. They just couldn’t get over how weird they thought i was, why wasn’t I a “normal” child.

My father was an alcoholic, and they were always fighting, and my parents split up so many countless times. I think the reason I hardly saw my father in my early years of life was due to such reasons. I had lots of problems growing up, but I never told my parents because they would go off on rages and belittle me for some reason or just not care and want to take me to the doctor and constantly get me diagnosed with all of these illnesses or problems. I was just the “problem” that always existed. (which, didn’t really make any sense) they were always too busy socializing hanging out with friends and partying and also the place I grew up in was like that as well. There was just in general a lot of poor/dysfunctional people. it was sad to grow up around. I remember when my friends dad (who was a girl :P) came over to our house drunk asking to hide him from the cops chasing after him (I don’t know why, nothing serious) “Hide me, hide me please” and that was normal. There was a huge flood when I was younger too that destroyed half of the town too. I just remember walking around town in gum boots at and looking at debris, flooded houses. I think my first girlfriend most have been this Chinese girl and we were both around only 5, we always wanted to spend time together but our parents wouldn’t let us, lol. (her mother was out of the picture, just like my dad was unofficially)  But no, it was strange back then, but we just wanted to be around all of the time. I remember wanting to go to her house but my mother was like “noo you can’t” why? but she’s my only friend : ( and then they moved. All the nice people I got along with moved for some reason, but of course my parents, or the people their never left. It might as well have been a “:rural ghetto” (such things existed) anyway, I did horrible in school. My parents neglected me, I never ate probably and I remember thinking back it was what made me feel dizzy and weird all of the time and I had bad anxiety back then and made it difficult to concentrate. I also just hated school, the teachers yelled at me too much, and I didn’t fit in at all. I usually spent recesses alone. My mother dressed me in weird uncool clothes, I had a mullet at some points sometimes (though my mother didn’t even realize that’s what it was, I just had bad hair dressers and she didn’t care)

I did not have a good education because of this, I was almost taken away by social services and put into foster care and had social services visiting the house sometimes, which just made my alcoholic dad even more angry (of course, wasn’t that the problem? she hid that, but she told him about all the problems I had) of course, it was hard to tell if they were together, split etc.

I was almost a truant, I wasn’t even a teenager yet and I was like one of those rebellious bad kids you hear about sort of. I didn’t care and skipped classes, but the school didn’t really do anything about it. No one knew what to do with me because I was sort of rebellious and just wouldn’t listen to anyone. I wanted to leave home when I was really young and just see the world, I didn’t care if it was hard. I didn’t listen, I didn’t do my school work, I was just miserable and I felt like something was missing in my life. Of course, I lived in my own world, i was this weird uncivilized kid to everyone else who would act out or quote weird things I saw in movies all of the time, or just latchkey kids. One of my only friends had parents who used to be bikers, and had all this Harley Davidson memorabilia, bikes and stuff. He started smoking pot when he was really young. We both just roamed around all the time, our parents just let us do whatever we wanted. I was bullied and kids tried to beat me up chase after me, but I was always too fast.

When I was in grade one I met someone in class who reminded me of that one baby setter I had who had blue/black hair and I had a huge crush on her and I would always bugged her, she probably hated me. She had really blue eyes, and freckles all over her face and she sort of looked like Jennifer Connely. I remember  I just loved looking at her freckles and eyes but she hated me. I remember her mom found me wandering around by myself, I don’t remember why. I was a latchkey key, i did things like that all the time. I remember her mother feeding me and giving me cookies, and I got to spend time with her for once closely like I had always wanted to. They were so nice and quiet, there house was so peaceful, they read books all of the time and they were so smart. I think she  resented the way I looked at her, but I couldn’t help it, her freckles, hair and eyes were just too compelling to me for some reason.