#and i cant help wanting to prolong that feeling even if i know i cant keep holding forever

[starry-eyed-omo]

I feel like one of the things I don't see talked about enough in omorashi is like. when you're nearing the final stages of desperation just. the way it truly feels like your body is fighting itself?

your stomach muscles are contracting and you're practically shaking with the effort of holding it in because you know you can't go yet

it's a push and pull, back and forth, and truly all you can think about is how long it's going to be before one of them finally breaks (and it will be whatever willpower is keeping the flood in, because there's no way the desperation is easing otherwise)

Idk I feel like it's one of those things that's definitely alluded to a lot but is never really the focus of fics and it's absolutely one of my favourite experiences! and I know there's some omo enjoyers out there that don't like doing it irl so for you guys: just know that there's a special kind of headiness that comes when you reach that point of desperation that absolutely is not exaggerated! I don't often do holds that reach extreme desperation, but on the rare occasions I do them. holy shit. that is all

[satansappendix]

:( tummy hurts

[kuroosdarling]

‎♡‧₊˚ ꒰ FEATURING ꒱ virgin!atsumu

‎♡‧₊˚ ꒰ CONTENTS ꒱ : MDNI !! virginity loss, unprotected sex, overstimulation, tsumu and reader fuck each other dumb oops

check out the others here !

"what did ya do to me?” atsumu gasps out, resting his forehead onto yours before he starts moving again.

he can’t help erratically rutting into you, feeling your slick walls coat his cock, driving him further into insanity. the constant pulses your cunt emitted pulls him in a haze, fucking his cum further into you. the way you squeeze him so tightly was going straight to his head, clouding his vision until all he could feel was you.

he never knew it could feel this good. it honestly felt better than any win on the court, higher than any high he’s ever had. something was coursing through his veins, egging him on to push himself as deep as he could into your warm, welcoming cunt.

once you showed him where the clit was, it was game over. he had surprised you, he was a natural. but then again, he was always good at striving to be the best.

and you were being so good for him, laying there and taking it, guiding him with your legs wrapped around his waist. but what else would he expect from his cute manager. the one who had welcomed him to the team with a sweet smile and constant reassurance. he didn’t realize he had gotten any special treatment from you until bokuto commented on it. that’s when he knew you might’ve liked him. and that’s when he decided to make his clumsy move.

it doesn’t matter how many times you’ve cum or how he had already cum, he couldn’t stop even if he wanted to. he kept spilling into you while simultaneously spilling out all the feelings he’s kept locked inside. it was like a dam breaking, once it started it couldn’t stop.

“cant believe i’m the one that gets to fuck ya.” he moans in your ear, hips stuttering against you before finding his pace again. the room was filled with the sound of your bodies slapping together, his balls feverishly clapping against your ass.

he knew he sounded whiny — but he didn’t care. not when every fiber of his being was on fire, the amount of pleasure was overwhelming. the overstimulation was starting to bite at him but there was no way he could stop, even if he wanted to. absolutely addicted to the way your body melded with his.

“shit-” you gasp out, clawing more into his back. the sensation of you drawing small scratches into him brought him back down to reality for a moment, letting out a deep groan.

his eyes quickly found yours as he tried to assess if you were feeling as good as he was feeling. but judging by the way those breathy moans and whimpers of his name were flowing out of your mouth, he hoped he was doing a good job. but he needed you to say it.

“does it feel good? when i fuck ya like this?” he pants, leaving open mouth kisses along your throat. his words were laced with insecurity despite his cocky question, absolutely desperate to know the answer.

“feels so good ‘tsumu.” your words slur together. the nickname caught him off guard and pride swells in his chest, driving him to drive into you harder, grabbing your legs and throwing them over his shoulders. the new position angled him deeper, and he knew he was a goner.

“fuck m’gonna cum again.” he panted out, driven by the need to fill you up more. he felt himself getting tired but he didn’t want to stop, not when you were babbling out for him. breathing wasn’t the priority right now, you were. tears pricked along his last line as his hips stuttered into you, trying to push himself all the way past your wall and lodge himself into your heart.

everything with blank for a moment, white filling his vision as he came in spurts, practically moaning out your name as he emptied himself into you. the way your walls were fluttering around him prolonged his orgasm and he could barely hold on, roughly gripping onto your waist as his lifeline.

but he wasn’t done.

after cumming twice already, overstimulation was ripping into him, the pain shooting directly into his tip. but the pleasure easily outweighed it. especially with the way your slick walls were clinging onto his cock, almost as desperate for him as he was for you. he knew he had another one left in him.

the two of you were drenched in sweat and who knows what else. but he had never seen you look more beautiful as you laid under him, pulling at him for more. his cock twitched at the sight, and he was more than ready to deliver what you both craved.

[mythicmanuscripts]

What are your thoughts on Aemond being the big spoon or little spoon? You can answer for Aegon and Jace too if you want.

Oooo great question anon!! I love this. I'm gonna write a little bit about all three of them and we can always discuss some aspects in more detail if anyone else is inspired by this and sends in their own thoughts.

There's no cut to hide behind cause this is just very cute SFW stuff, enjoy!

-----------------------------------

AEMOND:

So the first time you met Aemond you thought he was completely touch averse. He was introduced to you as your future husband, and he refused to even meet your eye never mind touch you. You still try to bond with him though, still talk to him and spend time with him while making it VERY clear that you wouldnt touch him without his permission.

But as you slowly get closer and you slowly start to touch him, it becomes very apparent that he actually seems to LOVE it. He never asks, far too scared of rejection, but when you offer his eyes light up and he starts sitting closer to you, positioning his hand in ways that makes it easy for you to take his hand.

When you eventually reach the point of actual cuddling, Aemond is very stiff. He just... he's never actually cuddled anyone before? He knows how much he loves when you hold his hand and hug him and he would love to be closer for a prolonged period of time but he honestly doesn't even know where to put any of his limbs.

Once you realise this, you pull Aemond against you, wrapping your arm around his waist so that you're spooning him. Aemond goes stiff for a few seconds, and then he relaxes back against you. He lifts his arm up to tangle his fingers with yours. You press a kiss to his neck and he sighs, snuggling into your arm.

Even as he gets more comfortable, that's still his favourite position because it just feels so nice and he doesn't have to try and figure out where to put his hands or legs. He does start to enjoy holding you as well, but I think if he's holding you he prefers you to be facing him somehow? He LOVES when you lay your head against his chest, especially because you'll often lift you head up and offer him a quick kiss.

AEGON:

Small spoon. It's not even a question about that at all, of course he's the small spoon.

The first time you cuddle with him, it's after he's had an awful day towards the start of your marriage. He's supposed to come to your shared chambers to try for an heir, as is his duty, but when he arrives you realise he looks even sadder than usual.

You pat the space on the bed next to you and when he comes to lay down, you turn him and hug him from behind. Instantly he's relaxing, mumbling thank you and grabbing your arm to wrap it tighter around him. He whines if you move even an inch.

I actually think that would happen before you two started to get closer. It takes a long time for him to realise he can open up to you, but when you offer him physical comfort he cant help himself. For the longest time he wouldnt actually tell you what was bothering him, but he started coming for comfort and spending hours napping in your arms.

Once things get more sexual and he starts submitting properly, then cuddling becomes of those things he's utter insufferable about. He can't be the big spoon, absolutely not!! He always wants you holding him when he goes to sleep, and so if you have a late engagement and retire to your shared quarters once Aegon has already been there for a few hours, then he's pouty and annoyed when you eventually arrive.

Because how dare you?? You must always be there for cuddles!!

JACAERYS:

I think Jace likes both positions equally? Being the big spoon is definitely something he spends a lot of time thinking about during those long, cold nights leading up to the wedding. You have told him on multiple occasions that the two of you can kiss and cuddle before the wedding, he refuses. He's a proper gentleman, and he refuses to do anything that could bring your honour into doubt.

So instead he just lays there, counting down the days until you can finally spend your nights next to him. He often sleeps hugging his pillow, wishing for the time to go quicker.

Once you're married, you spend that first evening just kissing and talking and when you're both too tired to stay awake, Jace asks if he can hold you. Which, of course he can. He hugs you from behind, wrapping his arm around your waist and he nuzzles his head against the crook of your neck. You giggle and intertwine your fingers with his and Jace genuinely might be in heaven. You fall asleep quickly but Jace stays awake for as long as he can, not wanting to waste a single second.

He first tries out being the small spoon after the first time you take control properly during sex. He's so sweet after, all whiny and needy and asking if he was good. You really can't help yourself and you just have to pull him into your arms, slotting in behind him. You can feel his smile when he presses soft kisses to your wrist in response.

He loves the position as much as when he's the big spoon, but I think he only requests being the small spoon when he needs more comfort than usual. That's not to say he wouldn't enjoy it when he's not upset or vulnerable, but it's more that he really prides himself on being the bigger spoon and on making you feel safe and loved and so he won't ask for the other position unless he needs it.

Though if you asked for a position change he would never say no.

[vvh0adie]

watching my friends leave tumblr is really sad

you literally can't win

at this point the writer's strike should just be a cultural movement

like ppl are writing for FREE and you're complaining about turn out rate and shit

we have lives and some of us (HELL ALL OF US) have some form of mental illness, so we can't be fucking cogs all day and churn out fics.

writing is suppose to be therapeutic and writers want to share that with you to ease the tension of this hellscape we live in

but some of these readers and even fellow writers are taking it too far with the bullying

like its mean and nasty. you don't know what someone is going thru.

instead of asking for updates how about check and see if your writer is mentally stable to do so. that right there is a booster, to have someone say "are you okay?"

and then the whole accusations of favoring a certain member/character. if that person is my muse or safe space then of course imma write for them. most solo writers i see don't even talk bad about other people. its a SOLO account. think of it as a shrine blog of writing if that helps. they're not there to trash, just share their writing for other's who might also share the same muse.

then you have readers who can't separate fiction from reality. just because someone writes a character with irl people faceclaimed onto them doesnt mean they actually think that person would be or do those things irl. i'll be the first to say that i only gave my characters bts faces cuz thats who im attracted to and they're who i imagine would be casted to play my characters.

then IN THE YEAR OF 2023 we still have ppl making fun of their peers writing and also THE FACT THAT ENGLISH MIGHT NOT BE THEIR FIRST LANGUAGE? that's nasty asf. majority of us dont even speak 'proper' english as our first language no way. you only shooting yourself in the foot. don't act like you dont have beta readers... like what are yall on?

and anybody who gets on THAT BLOG behind anon is an opp. not just to the writing community but in how you interact with the world all together. yall don't know how to talk to people anymore? it may have started as a place for critique and accountability but no one is bringing receipts or critical thinking anymore. its mainly for drama and not rehabilitation. yall serious scare me in how we'd see the reality of social change applied to the real world. like i'd be more scared to let yall around the prisoners with minor offenses cuz yall act like its the end of the world and that change cant happen. yall give nobody room to change ignorant stances but ignore the real egregious shit because you honestly dont have the bandwidth to take on actual fascist views.

also the plagiarism has got to stop too. if you need writing resources just ask. but practice makes perfect. so you're gonna have to write yourself. you may not like your writers voice but you will feel shitty in the long run when you don't feel like its you putting those words on the paper. it literally just prolongs your inferiority. make something you're proud of and don't hurt your fellow writers. we went thru the process just like you. we earned it. and most of us aren't gatekeepers, we will help you.

like its really tuff being on here sometimes. cuz if you not being hounded by readers its your own community praying on your down fall.

we have to do better.

[clownrecess]

Something that I think a lot of people don't know about and don't talk about enough is that loosing oral speech can and if for a long enough time, will damage your vocal cords.

I can attest to the fact that there are many challenges that come with not being able to speak orally. One of the lesser-known consequences of prolonged loss of oral speech is the potential damage it can cause to one's vocal cords. When someone stops using their vocal cords to make speech, the muscles can weaken, and the vocal cords themselves can atrophy. This process is similar to what happens when you break a bone. You are put into a cast, ergo that limb is immobilized. If you don't use the limb for a long time, the muscles will weaken, and you may need to do physical therapy to regain strength and range of motion. In the same way, if someone doesn't use their vocal cords for an extended period, they may need to do speech therapy to help with the deterioration of vocal cords. I do want to quickly note that I haven't been put in speech therapy for this reason before (though I have been in speech therapy for other reasons, of course).

The first time I lost speech for a long period of time was when I was 10-12 (I cant remember the exact age right now, I'm sorry. I know I've listed it in other posts if you are curious though, but if you don't want to check, just know it was somewhere in that age range. My brain is feeling "fuzzy" with time this morning.) and it was for four months. Once I regained some mouth words, my vocal cords were extremely weak and difficult to use. My speech was practically unintelligible for a bit. The first thing I had said was "Do we have woodpeckers?" because I heard a noise outside that sounded like them (news flash, it wasnt woodpeckers. Woodpeckers arent even in my state so I don't know what was going through my head.), but due to the weakness in my vocal cords it sounded more like "da-wee...ave.. w-ah-pehck..ehs?". It was painful to use my oral voice, I was straining it just to say that sentence. It was extremely quiet, and shaky. I also was unable to control my breathing (not my normal breathing. I mean the breathing patterns required to use oral speech), causing a lot of gaps between speech sounds.

I obviously don't know what my oral voice sounds like now, but I can feel it getting weaker again when I hum as a stim.

It's important for people to understand that losing oral speech is not just a matter of finding a different way to communicate; it can have significant and lasting impacts on our physical health as well.

[minispidey]

what's oral like with nathan bateman???

ORAL.

Nathan Bateman x f!reader

Author's Note: ty for requesting bestie! requests are still open so don't be shy 🙈 i cant think of a title so here.

Warnings: oral sex m!receiving and f!receiving, dirty talk, deep throat, not beta read and probably wrong grammar (english's not my first language)

Nathan positioned himself, his cock standing proudly before you as you knelt down on both knees.

This fucking dick.

"Take it." Nathan commanded, his voice a low growl "Wrap those pretty lips around my cock and show me just how much you crave it. Surrender to the pleasure of serving your God."

I mean everyone knows he has a God complex. Why not during sex too?

You obediently took his cock into your mouth, your tongue swirling around the tip as you eagerly sucked the daylights out of him.

Nathan's groans of pleasure mixed with your own muffled sounds, creating a symphony of lust and satisfaction. The room was filled with the intoxicating scent of sex, the wet sounds of your mouth sliding along his length, and the primal echoes of pleasure.

With each stroke of your mouth, Nathan's pleasure intensified, his hips subtly rocking against the sensations you were providing. You continued to worship him, taking him deeper, allowing him to guide your movements with his hands in your hair.

"You feel so fucking good, sweetheart," he murmurs "Your throat is so fucking warm, makes me wanna use it. Want me to use you as a personal fleshlight, huh? Feels just like your pussy." Nathan groans as you responded by humming around his cock.

"Take me deeper, baby. Let me use your throat like the perfect fucktoy." he squeezed your throat "You feel that? My cock's down there. Taking me like a champ."

He releases into your throat, his hand on the back of your head pushed you down further. His warm cum immediately went down your stomach. When he pulls out, your throat felt empty. It was like your throat made a perfect mold of his cock.

Nathan chuckles, helping you up and carrying you over to the bed "You were incredible, love. So fucking amazing."

"I think I need tea..." your voice croaked.

Nathan positioned himself between your legs, his hands gently parting them to grant him access to your most sensitive area. He lowered his head, his warm breath ghosting over your folds.

Nathan wasted no time diving into your pussy, licking and sucking your clit. His tongue wiggled in to ender your warm cavern, tasting you. You suddenly close your legs with his head still in between, surprising him a bit as you moaned out in pleasure.

"Nathan!" you squealed.

Nathan didn't mind. Your soft thighs felt amazing between his head, driving him crazy. Even his beard added more to the pleasure.

As he delved deeper, his tongue diving into your core, Nathan kept his eyes on you. He relished in the sight of you unraveling beneath his touch, your body arching and writhing with pleasure.

The room filled with the sounds of your moans and gasps, mingling with the wet sounds of his mouth on you. His focus was solely on your pleasure, his every movement calculated to drive you closer to the edge.

And just as you were on the edge of release, Nathan intensified his movements, his tongue flicking and lapping even faster. He wanted to push you over the edge, to watch you fall apart in his arms.

With a final, well-placed flick of his tongue, Nathan sent you spiraling into ecstasy. Your body convulsed with pleasure, waves of pleasure crashing through you as you rode out your climax. He continued to lap at your sensitive flesh, prolonging your pleasure until you were left breathless and trembling.

Nathan looks up at you, your sweet release was on his lips and beard.

As you slowly came down from the high, Nathan crawled up your body, his lips finding yours in a passionate kiss. You could taste the remnants of your pleasure on his lips.

"You're too good to me..."

[apprenticestanheight]

you put the idea out there and now i cant stop thinking about it, any headcannons on how poly!chainshipping would go down?

Poly! Chainshipping headcanons

Hi!! I have had this idea on my brain for a while now and I posted the poll referencing it more than two weeks ago! If my memory serves right this came in around the time that the poll was posted, so I apologize for the wait--a lot of personal stuff has been going on as has planning for NaNoWriMo this month hasn't been the best in terms of my writing frequency lol.

Fic type- this is fluff mostly! Mentions of the bathroom trap, though

Warnings- mentions of smokes/smoking--the reader gets put into the trap due to a nicotine addiction in part so it's discussed a lot

Okay, so

the way that the three of you meet is through the bathroom trap--Lawrence is put there due to a lack of empathy and for cheating on his wife, Adam is put there because of his spying on people via photography, and you're there because of an innate sense of cynicism and hopelessness that's reflected through your personality and the way that you move through life coupled with a minor nicotine addiction.

Adam takes the cigarette when you all find them but you refuse despite the craving because all that Jigsaw had said in your regard was to let go of former vices and trust those around you--let yourself have hope and be optimistic.

Letting go of former vices was obviously in reference to your nicotine use, and you fought the cravings you were dealing with despite the fact that fending them away made you want to bite off your own hand.

in the end, as the story goes, Lawrence cut his own foot off. He told you and Adam that he would be back with help, and you had no choice but to trust him.

The following days were pretty bad--you and Adam would talk through the darkness, telling each other about your lives and reminding one another of Lawrences promise.

Eventually, John Kramer came around with one of his apprentices. They knocked you out with the top of the toilet, which Adam had used to kill Zep Hindle, and you were taken to separate hospitals in the Jersey area.

You give a statement to the police and book a hotel for a week--you were taken from your apartment and going back kind of stings, so you prolong the fact that you'll have to do so anyway.

In the week you stay at the hotel, your manager at work gives you paid time off rather than unpaid because you're traumatized and they feel guilty.

It's not a dampener on your paycheck, either, as they did something that's probably a little illegal and wrote off the shifts you missed in a way that still lets you get paid for those days.

You start going for walks and eventually wind up at the Jigsaw support group. You know Adam would find it stupid but Lawrence would probably appreciate it, and you know that a support system is what you need

even if the support system is made up of strangers, even if your trap is a hell of a lot more tame than some of theirs, it's still nice.

Lawrence ends up at the support group, and when you see him it's like your world completely flips over.

Adam also shows up that day and you're startled to realize your world has flipped over twice in under twenty minutes.

Your conversation goes something like this:

"Lawrence! I didn't expect to see you here--I've missed you lately, how've you been?" and then you look at Adam and you're like "You are the last person I thought I would see at a support group. I've missed you, though. A lot."

Lawrences response is "things aren't so great. Heard about this in the paper, figured I'd see what it's all about."

Adams response is: "Heard about it on the news. Thought I'd come around for some half decent free food, but seeing you guys again is a nice bonus."

And things just kind of...develop from there?? Afterwards Lawrence is like "let's grab a coffee--my treat!" and you and Adam both agree because you never thought you'd see him or each other again but holy fuck is it nice.

Things are a little stilted for a few weeks as you all develop feelings for one another. You're all distracted because you're deeply in love but haven't told one another yet and so the conversation comes and goes, but like--it's obvious from the get-go that you support each other and are consistent in that support.

After the trap, you decided to quit cigarettes cold turkey. A bit of a rash decision in hindsight, but Adam and Lawrence devise a system where they learn what your tells are when the cravings kick in and they do something to distract you instead.

Lawrences mode of distraction is to tell you about his day or, when the weather is cold, offer to go on walks.

You end up adopting a cat that you leash train. Adam finds that HILARIOUS because you genuinely take the cat outside on leash for a solid half hour once every few days. Lawrence even laughs a little to himself when he suggests a walk while the cravings are getting so bad that you're starting to shake because--

it's a cat. on a leash. Actively enjoying time outdoors. It's not the norm in Jersey so seeing it is kind of a spectacle.

Adams way of distracting you is like his love language--physical touch

especially after you've all confessed your feelings to each other and are actively romancing it up

Adam will pick up on one of your tells--grabbing the lighter you have and flicking it a few times is your biggest because the lighter is what you grabbed first, then you'd find your cigarettes and go out onto the porch for a bit.

Adam just kind of,, grabs the lighter from you while pressing a kiss to the side of your head and pockets it while saying that you're stronger than your addiction.

You give in because there's no point in fighting against him, let him smother you in kisses and affection instead while trying to avoid thinking about the fact that you'll have to go into work the next morning

There are two ends of the scale. Lawrence sits on one side of it while Adam sits on the other--Lawrence is a law abiding citizen who regularly makes a point out of sleeping eight or nine hours, makes sure he eats healthily and doesn't engage in anything like drinking or smokes too often.

Adam is the opposite--because he doesn't have insurance, he's not been to the doctor in quite some time (other than the trip post-trap, which he spent several hours contesting the bills for to get it down from nearly $7000 to $250) and he likes his cigarettes and takeaway food.

You are somewhere in the middle--you have insurance because you worked the mandatory 2000 hours and two years of work to become eligible so all of your current health records are up to date. However, like Adam, you had to spend several hours calling the right people and getting your charges reduced because there was no way you could afford $7000 in medical bills if you were paying it out of pocket. You don't really care enough to watch what you eat, so to speak (you, too, are a semi-regular enjoyer of takeaway but you monitor things like your hearts BPM and you try to avoid stuff that will just make living more difficult via health issue) and because of your addictions you avoid cigarettes vehemently but you don't mind things like weed or the occasional glass of brandy

It's like--Lawrence isn't chaotic at all. Adam has moments where he's chaos incarnate. You?? you bounce between neutrality and chaos somewhat infrequently.

Generally, though?? it's a very nice existence. You watch SO MANY SUNSETS together and you and Adam somehow convince Lawrence to smoke weed with you which is a fun experience

[autismcatboy]

a series is not bad just because its pace, themes or focus isnt what you expected. it might not be the show for you.

i love fluffy, tooth rotting romance as much as the next guy. but i dont expect that from i hear the sunspot, because thats not what the story is about.

not every show is going to check every box and ive had plenty of series i stopped after dozens or even hundreds of chapters because as much as i wanted to like it, it just wasnt for me. that doesn't make them bad, because i can understand why people like them.

continued below, spoiler free but addressing specific themes in i hear the sunspot

i love the slow pace i hear the sunspot has. it feels more realistic to how some relationships develop in real life. i love the focus on personal growth, realizing your past biases and where you couldve been a better person but were selfish, presumptuous or inauthentic. this applies to every character in one way or another.

i love seeing the internal conflict, struggling to get your feelings across and wanting to throw in the towel. it isnt easy maintaining relationships as an adult. i have friends i wish i could spend time chatting with every day but it just isnt realistic to expect when we're all working adults with responsibilities we cant get around. ive gone days without talking to people i consider some of my best friends. it doesn't mean we dont care. it isnt always easy to find the time to actually talk, meet up or sometimes even just send a text.

its extra hard to communicate when you have a history of trauma. wether thats an isolated trauma or something prolonged that you havent been able to actually process and come to terms with, it makes it hard to think. sometimes youre stressed and pulled so many different directions by life that things slip away. it doesnt mean you dont care or it wasnt higher on your priorities. we all forget. we all fumble. we all make mistakes. we learn from them.

disability is much more than physical. kohei and maya have obvious physical disabilities but i think the series addresses more than that. trauma can be disabling. many of us dont have great childhoods or relationships with someone who helped us learn how to be decent people. many of us have deep insecurities, that we try to hide. and sometimes the things we do to try and protect ourself hurt us more. we run, we push others away, we get mean. because its easier to say on your terms when someone leaves your life.

it doesnt mean we dont care, when our fears get the better of us. it just means we make mistakes. and making mistakes means we can grow, be kinder to ourselves and others.

i hear the sunspot is about all of these things. a story about overcoming hardship, things that we didnt get to have a say in and cant fix, making hard decisions for yourself for once instead of considering others before you, chosing the unconventional path because it makes you happier, unlearning the things that no longer help us, and pushing through obstacles we dont even realize are keeping us from makes us flourosh. all of this, before being a story about romance.

both of taichi and kohei have a 20+ years of baggage in some form. romance isnt that easy when you have things you carry with you that youve subconsciously pushed so far away that you dont know its not part of you and you can let it go, and that those things make you behave rash, impulsively or like a doormat who just tolerates what people give you.

i understand peoples frustration with the pacing of the relationship in the drama specifically but want to gently point out- we knew how much of the series was going to be adapted and at the very least, it wasnt the whole thing. its fine to be disappointed but to say the series sucks, or has bad writing and direction, or all these other things that just dont line up with what the story is actually for, is just unfair. the story has never had romance as the main focus. does it have a relationship between two men? yes, so it is a bl. by definition, thats all it has. you can criticize the showrunners, directors, executive members for the way they chose to advertise the series setting up your expectations wrongly but it is not the fault of the series for telling the story it exactly set out to do.

its okay to not like a show or drop it because its not meeting your expectations. its not okay to keep coming back every week, when people have been saying what to expect, and then being mad when its exactly that. youre wasting your time and setting a tone that the things people love about the series are wrong. you can let it go.

why would you order soup and then be mad when you get soup?

[cirusthecitrus]

Horde Prime's body language and mannerisms part 3/3

"Expressing facial emotion is a privilege reserved only for Prime"

Despite Prime trying to present himself as this perfect holy being who is above feelings and emotions his face is very expressive. And he's just so fun to look at! Whether he's drawn extremely goofy, unbearably cute or legit creepy

Part 1 // Part 2

1 Prolonged eye contact 👁️👁️

Prime's second favorite activity after touching people without their consent is staring intensely at them!

He can't actually "see all", but he's still trying to grasp as much as he possibly can

Prime likes to talk, but he can also be an attentive listener when he needs to. He allows his opponents speak their mind and gives them time to think and articulate themselves. All that so he can quietly observe and "read" them and find out what they actually think before they can even say a word. It's most notable with Catra. He'd often give her that "I know what you are" look X)

In some instances his stare is used to pressure people into agreeing with him and doing as he says. Or to simply scare them

Again, I've remebered HP being much more talkative than he actually is. There are many moment in the show where Prime is just... watching and patiently waiting for something. Obesrving others just to find something that can help him channel the conversation to the right direction. Like when he waited for Glimmer to try any dish on the table so he could comment on it. Or when he watched her and waited for a needed reaction when he showed her what he's been doing to Etheria

And he also often reacts without any sound or word. His true emotions are simply written on his face. They're seen in his eyes

But when HP really wants to hide them, only then does he open his mouth

2.1. The 👁️w👁️

I've talked about this before, but it was a long time ago, plus i wrote it in a reblog to another post, so now I'm bringing this back in my own post

Throughout the show Prime quite often does this one thing where he silently stares at his opponent while a knowing smile slowly spreads across his face. His eyes don't move and at no point does Prime break this intense eye contact. It looks like his whole expression changes, but the eyes stay the same. He may be smiling now, but there's still this hidden agression and venom behind those cold eyes. This is still a death stare

Most of the time Prime does this when he finds his opponents' attemts to intimidate and threaten him amusing or when he simply tries to hide his displeasure when something goes mildly wrong

But sometimes his smile is sort of a mixed signal and it's easy to read this expression wrong. One can misinterpret it as a sign that the danger has passed and Prime is not going to do them any harm after all. But in reality this smile only means that Prime has finally decided how he's going to kill them

Just like face touching, this is one of Prime's signature moves when he's trying to assert dominance, demostrate his confidense and assure that he's still in control of the situation. Or like in s4 finale scene, to warn his future victim of upcoming danger

3. "No war, no pain"

This moment has always stood out to me and all because of this face. It's such a strange almost out-of-character expression, it's both silly and a little unsettling

Here Prime is trying to make Glimmer help him find She-Ra to active the Heart - so it should be obvious that it's all bullshit and he's ready to say anything to justify his plans and made his intentions seem noble and "good actually"

He speaks in his usual voice too. But damn this manic look in his eyes haunst me to this day

Seems like he's not even looking directly at Glimmer. It's like he dissociates for a second

In this brief moment it feels like Prime is actually done with the current world and cant wait for all this "pain" to be over. What if all this time Prime was just planning to go out in style but also take everyone with him (cause how dare the world exist without him right)? This speculation contradicts his whole "Prime stays eternal" shtick, but going all this way and destroying the universe just so he can have a flashy death sounds like a Horde Prime thing to do (just remember the finale)

Or maybe he really wants to start anew and erase all the evidence of the shit he's done to the universe over the years. Or there's actually nothing behind those eyes i dunno *pokes prime with a stick* be more nuanced damnit!

4. Ears!

Sadly, we don't see spacebats move their ears much, but I think I can still work with what we got

Despite limitations in animation Prime's ears do move from time to time. And in his case they don't exactly indicate what he feels at the moment, but rather show HP's overall emotional state. His ears droop a lot during the two final episodes, and no wonder - since at the time Prime was already losing it and growing more desperate. Plus he was literally connected to the Heart of Etheria, must be overwhelming as all hell

His ears also change position in the middle of HP's passionate speeches, probably indicating that he's getting a little bit carried away - and this idea is so cute to think about :з

5. The vessel room scene

So many interesting expressions here! Probably because this is like, the only scene where Prime is all by himself (Hordak is mainly a background noise to him really). He's not as dramatic as when he's sitting on his throne surrouned by his clones or when he's tormenting his "guests" or confronting his enemies. There's no audience to act so dramatic and pretentious for

What i've noticed is how expressionless he is around his clones when no one else is watching. No smiling, no creepy touching. He's more distant and not as intrusive when its not for a show

This scene also gives a small glimpse at what day to day life of the horde clones probably looks like, as well as at their regular dynamic with Prime. And their relationship here is more mundane and cold than it is intense and horrifying. HP sees his brothers as any other tool, and just like with tools he doesnt even think about them until he needs them for something

Maybe thats what also makes Prime's touch such a powerful weapon - he doesnt normally do that. Which makes the clones both dread and crave his attention and his touch so much

I'm analysing this whole scene simply because we never see Prime like that anywhere else in the show. I mean look! I've never seen him being hesitant before and after this moment. He is only like that around his old vessel. Which again, brings up the question of his past and whether or not there is something Prime doesnt want to come back to. This body stores memories about the First Ones, his enemies, whom he himself called tyrants. Who knows what was happening back then and how it all might have affected Prime

Another small moment I like. Its so calm and quiet and lowkey almost intimate? Again, very unsual for Prime. And then there's this almost forced bitter tiny smile. It can mean two things - Prime has trouble connecting to the vessel (boo boring) or there are some memories which Prime finds pleasant. But again - they're are only memories

6. These eyes are always watching

Prime barely if ever closes his extra eyes. Well, mainly due to them not being animated - they rarely move, and never blink. Most of the time those eyes are stuck on his face like a decoration. BUT I think this only helps to reinforce the idea of Prime being this all seeing entity

No one can sneak up to him, even if his main eyes are closed... well, unless u try to come up from the left :p

7. Blink-blink

I said Prime never blinks with his extra eyes. I was wrong! He does just that in... literally only one episode. And not just blinks - some really weird shit is going on with his extra eyes during Hordak's purification scene. It looks like a nervous tic of some sorts. Nothing like that ever happens again - not in this very episode, not in any others. Why are they suddenly so animated??

Does whatever this is in the pool water hurt his eyes or is Prime just showing his sadistic excitement over his little brother being tortured?

Also, his eyes are only doing that when Prime talks about suffering and "being freed of pain" which is... an interesting reaction (especially if you remember omy previous speculations)

Well, that's all what I could find. Hope you found my HP ramblings interesting :)

[ultimateloserboy]

SONIC PRIME RAMBLES!!!!

SPOILERS FOR SEASON TWO AHEAD!!!

(sorry if the screenshots are a bit mushy i was taking them quick)

firstly of course id like to mention these two. i love how when sonic is playing around and talking to himself, shadow just nods along. he didnt tell sonic to shut the fuck up, he just waited until he got his zoomies out. he even slightly participated! i just love how when shadow is cooled down a bit he’s actually pretty used to sonic and doesnt mind his silliness, it only makes him genuinely upset when it’s not the right time or place. and sure this also isnt the right time or place, but seeing as hes been blessed with literal gay magic i think shadow mightve given him a pass. that or shadow is never actually as pissed as he tries to be. which i also believe, because he plays around during fights. i think hes having fun too. hes just trying to ignore it in favor of the overall mission, which is completely fair and is kinda needed. without shadow sonic would have no fucking clue what to do hed just be running around spitting off cheesy one liners like an idiot, but without sonic shadow would be all alone with nobody but space rocks and his pissy attitude. sonic does provide shadow with fun, and everyone needs a little fun and positivity. sonic makes him happy and keeps him entertained but he’d never admit that. they balance each other out in such a nice way. they need each other in more ways than one in my opinion.

this leads me into my favorite thing about this show: sonic is not simply the hero. he’s not just saving the day and that’s that like he thinks. it’s much more complicated. lots of people he’s met seem to have clashing opinions or views of the world, and that’s not a bad thing! most of rouges variants want to just hand over the shard and get it over with, which wouldnt help in the long run but is A REASONABLE THING TO THINK!!! shadow was never malicious he was just pissed off and he’s RIGHT! hell, i dont even think nine is wrong either!!! hes never even seen the reality that sonic is wishing for! all of these people simply want to be happy but theyre from completely different worlds in a very VERY dangerous situation, of course theres going to be conflict amongst people who ARENT the villains! because the world doesn’t revolve around sonic and in situations like these its hard to find a middle ground between COUNTLESS AMOUNTS OF PEOPLE FROM ALL AROUND THE MULTIVERSE!! i think it perfectly demonstrates how all of these people arent bad people, they simply dont view things the way sonic does and thats ok. theyre all just scared and confused and in a life or death situation. well, except for dread. that motherfuckers just crazy.

i do think nine should. maybe chill 😭😭. but i think sonic shouldve at least talked with the kid a bit more about the overall goal cuz damn. i like the parallel between shadow saying “theyre not your real friends.” and nine saying hes real. because shadow was right in a sense. nine is NOT tails. he’s REAL, sure, but hes not the real TAILS. he isnt the real tails and hes not sonics friend just because sonic knows a version of him. that doesnt mean they cant BE friends but sonic being quick to assume that nine will end up like tails was just wrong on his part. sonic was quick to assume so many things about nine because of his relation to tails, and he shouldn’t have done that. he should’ve listened to shadow. it’s all “ooo shadows such a fuckin debby downer party pooping asshole” until the universe still isnt put together and THEN people consider that yeah maybe he was a little right. harsh, but right. literally if shadow was able to go into those portals i promise you this shit wouldve been over before we even got a season two. like genuinely i feel like they keep shadow in the void simply because they need to prolong the season. and i love the content dont get me wrong but please just let him go with sonic that motherfucker really does need a babysitter. i think we need BOTH of them in the actual shatterspaces. like i said, they balance each other out. if shadow was to go on his own i honestly think he wouldnt do too good either. hed just ignore everyone else and try to get things done quickly without needing help and sure he might get a little far but eventually hed need the help and he wouldnt have it. so i think sonic and shadow together should finally be allowed to do this shit fully together so that shadow can do what he has to do and sonic can go around making friends with multiverse people and saving them from robots on the side. its a win-win people!!!!!!!!! PLEASE!!!!

i do like the fact that shadows speed is artificial so it isnt the same as sonics, or at least thats what i like to think. i know hes stuck in the void because of the chaos control he did (i think) and sonics speed might not be the only factor but i do think its interesting how they cant do the same things

but truly i think the only reason the writers are keeping them seperate is because they know damn well if they teamed up full time theyd start kissing eventually

[ovaruling]

@gynoids-over-androids putting under a cut bc i have a lot to say as always lmao

well i should start by saying i’ve never been to any gym or class in my life outside of the ones i did in my own home by myself (Pahla B on youtube for low-impact, most of Jillian Michaels’s filmography so far, Chloe Ting on youtube), so i was really nervous taking it outside of my living room so to speak

esp since i do have a few really odd-to-describe disabilities from my surgery aftermath that i always worried would make me feel like i had to explain everything to an instructor if i ever went to a class so as not to disrupt anyone. my life has been very small bc of those disabilities for about 10 years and i don’t have much interaction with large groups of people so i was also a bit nervous abt that bc i’ve been struggling to find a foothold in society since my last surgery.

that said, i have been working out for a few years, so i’m going in with what i would call a very good level of fitness and endurance already, and my plan was always that—to assure myself that i could build functional fitness at home over time by myself before setting foot in a class bc of my unusual bodily situation (? not sure what else to call it). so i can’t personally speak to if someone is going in from 100% sedentary, but as someone who’s pretty fit and never ever had instructors or community experience w exercise, so far i am loving it.

everyone there is so so nice and accommodating and there’s just no pretentiousness that i can sense at all. most of my fears have been allayed—i haven’t had to explain anything abt my disabilities to anyone and after trying out 2 places i really like the facility i chose. people of all ages and body types and fitness levels (there is an elderly man there who i swear to god looks like if the monopoly man was both shredded and yassified. same wax-styled mustache and everything), moms lifting and snatching massive barbells w their kids chilling in the stroller next to them. extremely casual atmosphere, but also so much control and structure and help.

and i’ve never had access to high quality equipment before, but the learning curve has no pressure on it so far. my very first day, the instructor made sure i was comfortable with everything and answered every single question i had and integrated me step by step into the rest of the class’s workout at my starting level to get familiar with using a barbell. it was really helpful and made me feel like i was part of the flow already.

i had to stop several times to make sure i wasn’t hurting myself (i have widespread nerve damage that means sometimes my lower body just. glitches and shuts down the connection to my brain’s intent and spasms for a bit and doesn’t do what i want it to do, and i lose all feeling so i panic bc i cant gauge where my body is—the litany goes on but basically i have many issues that crop up frequently during prolonged motion) but even when that happened it proved zero problem at all and no one noticed and i collected myself and got back into it and it was fine. modifications can be made for every move, which is something i learned with Pahla B workouts years ago, and applies here just as well, and i am stubborn in that optimism.

i was even feeling myself so much i wanted to try a box jump so i asked the instructor what the proper form was. she had me start by jumping on progressively higher stacked barbell plates just laid on the ground. and then i tried the box and i got it! and a bunch of people congratulated me or complimented my successful efforts and stopped after class to chat and introduce themselves which made it feel more team-like to me.

vibe seems to be: just do what you can, ask for help and guidance if you need it (i’m still new so i don’t know all the lingo or all the form cues yet but no one is looking at you making you feel scrutinized, everyone is just there to do their thing and they’re also super helpful if they walk by), and know that you’ll get better at everything you’re attempting w consistent attempt. which is just my basic philosophy anyway.

and ok yeah i’ve never been to a traditional gym before—well, i have a few times, and just never went back cuz i felt it was too polished for the likes of me lol (where i live is veryyyyy pretentious). the high gloss attitude truly just never appealed to me. works for some, just not me. in my area at least, everyone in traditional gyms are in some kind of coordinated outfit and are on their phones and taking videos and stuff (i really don’t like that aspect—i don’t consent to showing up in someone’s gym tiktok lol). so yeah especially these days, the feeling that there’s an image to be achieved in gyms just makes my skin crawl. and if i’m going to shell out for the price of any kind of gym membership, i’d rather it not be a place i get self-conscious in that i’m gonna be filmed or creeped on or something (my terror of men in gyms is well-founded).

so i opted for crossfit bc i’ve had family members who were sedentary and went and loved it and saw amazing gains. and everyone at the place im at is way too busy to be filming or creeping (so far). and i do def already feel like it’s built for functional improvement toward accomplished strength, not merely an image of strength. like, i played outside constantly as a kid and it reminds me of that feeling lol, not least bc of the open-air-warehouse-unit concept. i think im too scrappy to ever be a traditional gym person, but crossfit is totally my vibe so far. no one cares enough to judge what your deal is, which is prob #1 on my ranking of important qualities for a fitness facility.

and while my level of general fitness is what i would call really good, i’m still a total beginner to crossfit kinds of work, work with equipment at all, and i’ve NEVER done group gym classes. so my nervousness about not being amazing at something immediately (huge impediment in my life generally) was a biggie but has proved to be baseless. crossfit seems to has no time or attention for individual compulsive fears or momentary embarrassments. which i absolutely love.

but to answer your original question TL;DR—i think it’s tougher than anything i’ve ever seen! grizzlier by far if nothing else—definitely no frills (it’s refreshing to see no makeup yet!). everyone seems to be of a same kind of no-nonsense grit—dunno how to describe it. what i’m observing the experienced crossfitters doing looks wicked hard, but it’s still very accommodating for all levels of fitness to hone. as in, it looks like some of the hardest shit i’ve ever seen anyone do, but that’s what i will be working toward at my own pace, and it’s exciting.

one of the moms i mentioned earlier was snatching thee heaviest barbell weight in the entire class, even more than the men (i checked), like it was nothing and then she went checked on her baby in between like it was all nbd. i was like god damn girl that is so metal. where else are you gonna see that

so. that’s just my first impressions so far! i signed up for 10 classes to see how it goes so i will report back :)

[starrystrawb]

Our next Mother Nature is Swamp! Also known as Wetlands. While she is closely related to Water, they're very different. Water ebbs, flows, and changes as her environment needs her to. Wetlands however, is unforgiving and unyielding to the outside perspective.

Recent events have made Wetlands wild, chaotic, and feral. She is over run with invasive species, illegal hunting, and pollution. While her waters used to glow turquoise, they now seem brown. But she's ready for the fight!

Our eco-tips!

There are things called Eco-Bricks, or Plastic Bricks. They're plastic bottled stuffed with other plastic waste. You pack the inside as tightly and densely as you can, and then send the "brick" to one of several companies using those bricks to build! It's fun, relatively easy, and free! Don't feel bad that you have waste, we all do! Just use it for good!

It's time to stock up on that vitamin D! Not to sound like a 2008 "Nicks Day of Outside Play" commercial but go outside! Vitamin D has been proven many times in many studies to improve mental health! And while you're out there, soaking up the sun and getting all those good brain chemicals, think about picking up some trash! Yeah, yeah. I know, you've heard it all before. But seriously. Just go to your back yard or your front yard or in front of your building or behind your building or to a park or wherever! Go to a parking lot! And pick up the trash you see on the ground. One piece, four bags, an entire dumpster full! It all helps.

I know the time has long since passed, but if you are considering putting lights or decorations on the outside of your home, be sure to secure them so they are wild-life safe! Deer, elk, and moose can get their horns tangled in string lights. Birds and bats can confuse blinking lights with prey. Secure your outside decor properly! Keep yourself, and your wild friends safe!

Speaking of securing things! If you live in an area that has bears, mountain lions, or any dumpster-enjoying predators, bear-proof your trash cans! You can use attachable mechanisms, locking trash cans, ratchet straps, or even try securing the trashcan to a tree or a post of some kind! Do your best to make sure the little critters cant get into the garbage. Not only are these animals not built for human food, prolonged exposure to human interaction can cause massive problems. Animals that attack or harm people run the risk of being put down. Keep everyone safe and secure your trash! At home and in the wilderness.

Shop carefully! I know we all try our best to buy cruelty free, reed labels, and do our research. In my personal opinion, I don't think I should have to google for 45 minutes to find out if a brand is greenwashing or if they're really cruelty free. So here are some things I've found! If a company imports to china, they are not cruelty free. China has animal testing laws in place for all imported cosmetics. If you want to buy things like Grove, those reusable spray bottles and soap bottles, but find the glass containers a little expensive, just buy the refill packs. Pop those bad boys into a bottle you already have, like a reused windex bottle, and it's the same. Just remember to label it properly! I love buying from companies like Sand Cloud, 4Ocean, Pela, and similar brands that are certified B-Corp and have clear and PROVABLE missions.

Base

[yuukei-yikes]

ok ok first of all Really Really love your harutakas and your shinayas and your kidomomos and since im pretty sure you've been asked abt your hrtk and shinaya headcanons already i just wanna ask you about any kdmm headcanons you may have 🧐

i love kidomomo so fucking much ilove them

i think theyre stuck in a situationship for a long time. bc useless lesbians in silly harmless drama is always funny. thing is momo WANTS to say something but kido gets so flustered everytime she brings it up they fucking disappear. kido hearing momos confession after theyve faded wawawa and momo thinks kido maybe didnt hear and just sighs but KIDO HEARD bro... they heard u....

momo isnt sure if kido likes her back but she still wants to say it bc momo rly isnt the kind to stress abt waaaa but what if they dont like me back. shes like this is what i feel and im gonna tell everyone 💗 which also means everyone in the dan knows not only bc its fucking obvious but like momo told everyone😭 the only one surprised is shintaro. but for like a second bc hes like YOURE GAY??wait i just fucking heard myself of course youre gay

kido is like super fucking embarrassing abt the way they run from momo like kano and seto who know them rly well think they look like a clown bc of how flustered momo makes them but momo always receives it like wow kido is SOOOOO cool all cold and calculating :3 something something kidos self steem issues, cant believe someone would like them, especially someone so bubbly who could probably get anyone they want

if it goes for long enough momo would notice shes being avoided lol and shes like i just dont know what to do yknow and hibiyas like why are u telling Me this.

kano seto and mary. tease kido to hell and back. they are the most insufferable people ever. kano is annoying on purpose but seto and mary are more like omg u gotta be honest💗 omg let urself be happy 💗 kano and kido probably have a nasty fight abt kano telling kido theyre self sabotaging and kido being like looks whos fucking talking LOLLLL also momomary best friends forever bffs necklaces and matching phone backgrounds etc etc mary keeps accidentally creating tension and situations bc she keeps accidentally slipping up telling kido and momo something one said about the other.

its very much...a cute thing like a friend group where 2 friends like each other and everyone knows and is rooting for them but they keep prolonging it and its at most frustrating and at best entertaining. its cute, its rly one of those very normal teenage things they get to do after everything they go through. they end up together tho and in the future are the no kids double income aunts with the best presents etc etc u know how it goes

i think the only ones out of the loop who thought they were already together are haruka and shintaro. yuukei quartet is kinda out of it bc theyre a bit older and kinda didnt care for the little silly drama and have problems of their own LOL but ayano and takane were filled in bc as a big sister!!! ayano has to know whats going on!! (insane abt the idea of her and shintaros siblings dating. probably gives kido a lot of actually useful advice abt being honest and not run away from feelings) (sort of a takane talk 2.0) and takanes like.... gossip central this bitch knows everything about everyone not that they do anything with that info to help anyone.

once dating theyd have a lot of discussions about pda. momo is pda inc and kido wants to die whenever momo even presses their shoulders together in public. they make it work tho also once together the dan nearly throws a fucking party like FINALLY

[shrug-em0ji]

had not intended to readmorepost but this is long and rambly and has some sensitive stuff i think?

i mentioned to my coworkers the other day that my mom was a pathological liar (it was relevant, i promise) and neither of them dug for further details but i got caught in this loop of wanting to explain and justify it, probably because its a thing that i used to do a LOT and have only recently gotten better about. but i was thinking about like. why people lie. and my mom and i in particular. and about how when you are hurt profoundly, especially over a prolonged period of time, in ways that people cant see and often dont acknowledge as being worthy of consideration, it becomes really easy to just. fudge the details a little bit. add in an extra pinch of violence. make it sound just a little worse so that when people react their response is proportional to how you felt rather than to what happened.

i have a story that i have often used as an example of the things that happened a lot when i was growing up - i was supposed to be cleaning my room, but i was a kid, and i was bored and overwhelmed by the mess, so i sat down on the floor, on a pile of clothes, and spent 45 minutes daydreaming about my toys coming to life and helping me. when my dad came upstairs to check on me and saw that i hadnt cleaned at all, he got really angry and picked up a little armchair that i had in my room and threw it at my wall hard enough to leave a decently big hole.

for a long time, when i told this story, i said that he threw the chair at me and missed, that i didnt hear him come in, that i had been working and he just wasnt happy with how far id gotten. and i used to get really angry at myself for lying about it - obviously, if im lying to make it sound worse it must not have been that bad, im making a huge deal out of nothing, theres no reason for this to even be a thing that i tell anyone ever. but it was the opposite. i was on the floor, in the only place that i felt safe or like i had any modicum of control over, and someone who was supposed to care for me came in, towered over me, made me feel small and helpless, and then intentionally picked up a large heavy object and threw it across the room because he knew it would scare me. he wanted me to be very very aware at all times how big and strong and angry he was, and how helpless i was to stop him. "even in this safe quiet space that is yours i can break your stuff and hurt you, you are not really safe here at all, i am always in control"

but like!!! i was a kid!!! i didnt understand the concept of subtext! now, when i tell people that my dad threw stuff a lot when i was a kid, im usually talking to people who understand that throwing things is inherently threatening. it is a thing that abusive people do to scare you and let you know that they want to hurt you and they can hurt you if you make them. but when i was growing up this was very much not the case! if i told an adult my dad threw stuff their response would be "well you didnt get hurt so you're fine, nothing to complain about"

so i lied about it, because i was terrified of him and needed people to believe that he was terrifying.

i was reading a book recently - one of the big abuse books that everyone recommends, though i dont recall precisely which - and i got to a bit about incest and immediately felt so unbelievably guilty. i never accused anyone in my family of sexual abuse but i wanted to so badly, and i never understood why. i just felt like id been taken advantage of, like my body didnt belong to me, like i was tainted and ruined somehow, but no one had ever really done anything so i had no reason to feel that way.

and then i kept reading and the author specifically started drawing attention to specific behaviors - not illegal behaviors, not behaviors that get you barred from having custody of your kids, just... weird stuff. a parent drawing attention to their kids body, making sexual innuendos about them, commenting on their imagined sexual activity. stuff my dad did. "you'll probably be really good at sex someday, just make sure you dont end up a whore like your mom" "i miss when you were a little kid, now youre ready to start popping out babies" "people will say anything to make me look bad, i bet theyre spreading rumors about us sleeping together" "youre almost like a wife, theres just a few really important things you cant do"

it made me feel....... gross. and i didnt know why. i didnt understand it. i wanted very badly to not feel that way, but not as much as i wanted someone to understand that i felt that way.

i stopped showering regularly in middle school, when i moved back in with my dad, because i didnt want to be naked in the same house as him and my brothers (for related reasons) but i could never explain it to anyone. i spent a lot of time in the guidance counselors office being questioned about what the problem was and utterly unable to find the words, or really understand it myself. so it got chalked up to being lazy. and i just spent several years absolutely hating myself and not understanding why i felt the way that i did. i wanted to lie to explain it and could never quite get there. and then the other thing happened and gave me a plausible explanation so i ran with it, and have continued running with it for years now, despite the fact that the worst symptoms predate it by 3 years.

im not.... entirely certain why i wrote this out. i think its just been stuck in my head for a while now? and i wanted to say it. i wanted to be able to say "here is a real thing that happened to me and here is how i felt and feel about it and actually i dont care if you think my feelings arent proportional to the events, i need to be able to accept this as a thing that happened if im ever gonna get over it"

so fuck it.

[hotpocket-craft]

trigger for pet death

so. we just put down the family dog on tuesday. it was very peacful as we had the doctor come to the house nad do it there and she was very nice and didnt rush us. but it was hiss time to go. he was diagnosed with diabetes about a year ago and we have been religiously giving him his insulin every 12 hours, prolonging his life. but the past few months he's been slowly getting worse, we would up the insulin dosage which would slightly help. but over the past weekend he stopped eating and would drink vigorously, signs that he was in diabetic ketosis. and we brought him to the vet but they said they could TRY to get him out of it by keeping him there for 3 days ($$$$$$$) but ultimately it was just a bandaid and it would happen again. so we decided to bring him home and monitor him but that night he just would barely move and we had to put diapers on him. so in the mornign we called the people that do housecall euthanasia and they came that evening to do it. by the end of the day i was surpirised he had made it that far, his organs were definitely already shutting down. but all that is to say, now i feel incredibly guilty not about Cooper who passed, but Benji, my other dog who was present at the passing.

Cooper was our only dog for a long time, maybe6/7 years before I got old enough to pay bills and wanted my "own" dog, that is where benji comes in. i love benji with all my heart and want him now to experience everything there is to offer in life. before its too late. before he gets old and cant find joy in it anymore. but i cant have dogs in the condo i live in. The condo i live in is my brothers so i live rent free in a supportive environment of my transition, away form my parents but also away from benji. My parents take care of benji for me but i pay the bills for him. But i feel guilty now because i barely get to see benji. i moved into the place aroound march f this year and barely get to see benji and now i miss him so much i literally skipped class today to go see him and take him on a walk and spend time with him. I dont know why im writing this i just feel so horrible and life is so fragile and it sucks mega balls that dogs ont live as long as we want them too. im saving up to try and buy my own place one day but i fear that by the time i can afford it, benji will be to old to enjoy it. he is almost 5 now. i dont know what to do. and im a baker for work so i have to go to the store to do the baking so i cant just sit on a computer and have him near me all day. and my job gives me good benefits so i dont want to just quit for just any job out there that can keep me at home or in an office. BUT i am in school for another year and a half and when i have my bachelors maybe then i can get a job in an office and bring him. i just dont know what to do because i want to change how my life is going because i want to spend more time with my dog. idk. you can give advice or not i dont care im just sad and i have therapy today so i will talk there about it.