#and i don't blame really anyone for how everything played out. it was doomed from the beginning so it was nice that we got 2 rings out of i

[linkspooky]

YUTA WAS ALWAYS SELFISH

I was originally going to make this post the week the big twist with Yuta in Gojo's body happened, because of the massive subversion that it was. It was the kind of twist that made you question if everything you ever knew about the character was wrong. Namely, Yuta one of the most empathic sorcerers we see in the series - the character who seems to lack the selfishness of the other sorcerers that make up jujutsu society. The kid who fights with the literal power of love.

Was Yuta a monster to begin with and we just didn't see?

So ignore the clickbaity tagline, Yuta is one of my favorite characters I'm not going to start calling him a terrible person. Rather that Yuta is dismissed as a soft kid or a wifeguy, when he's actually more cunning and cutthroat than anyone gives him credit for.

If a sorcerer is nothing more than a con-artist, then if the talent for trickery he displayed in the Sukuna fight is anything to go by Yuta is a true sorcerer down to his bones. Yuta turning Gojo's body into a puppet seems like a massive twist, and almost out of character for Yuta who was so devoted to Gojo.

His earlier fight in the culling game even seemed to hint that Yuta was too soft and he didn't truly have the attitude to fight someone like Ryomen Sukuna who was the embodiment of a calamity.

These panels seemed like a prophecy that Yuta was doomed to fall short against Sukuna. That he could never live up to his title as the next Satoru Gojo, because unlike Gojo and Sukuna who can stand on the top alone Yuta clings to his loved ones.

Sukuna got to where he is by rejecting love. Sukuna is Sukuna because he's never needed anyone to satisfy him. So how can Yuta who needs to be surrounded by his loved ones at all time to validate him and tell him it's okay for him to be alive even compete?

However, even in JJK zero Yuta's love is questioned on whether or not it's as selfless and "pure" as it seems. To begin with, Maki calls him out early on for attracting bullies by playing the victim a lot. He pretends to be a good and innocent person put upon by his circumstances and bullies when really he doesn't want to help himself. Instead of standing up to the bullies he's always let Rika protect him and then condemned her for being a monster. He's let Rika take the blame for all the destruction, even though Rika is HIS cursed technique, created by HIS emotions, and is protecting him.

Yuta doesn't make any attempt to try to learn to control Rika, or even work with her, he just shrivels away in fear.

"You act like a good person, but it feels fake..." Yuta has always adopted the facade of a good person. He seems soft, socially anxious and withdrawn, even after he gains confidence as a sorcerer those traits don't go away because they're a part of his outward persona. Jung divides the psyche into two parts, the persona a mask that faces the world the parts of yourself that come out in your social interaction with people and then there's the shadow your repressed personality.

Yuta's shadow is a literal monster that declares her love for him and then expresses that love by violently destroying everything around him.

Yes, Rika initially contained the soul of someone else but Rika the curse was created by his technique, her power corresponds to his emotions, she comes from his shadow, and even after the real Rika passes on the Shikigami RIKA still remains completely under Yuta's control. Rika is Yuta, the embodiment of his twisted definition of love that would curse his loved ones to keep them by his side forever because he can't live without them. All of Rika's insane possessiveness? That's Yuta's too. Rika's violent overprotectiveness? That's Yuta.

How poetic is it really that Yuta and Rika are so codependent that Yuta's shadow, the other half of his personality is literally RIKA. Yuta cannot exist without love, and without someone too love, he's so terrified of being alone that he cursed Rika and then turned her corpse into a puppet after death. He uses his loved one as a weapon to fight his enemies.

If you think about it for more than five minutes Yuta's cursed technique and Rika has some seriously messed up implications, but it's hard too because as messed up as Yuta's love is it's still genuine.

Love is a curse, but in 236 Nanami speculates that sometimes curses can save people too, just like how Jujutsu Sorcerers use curses to fight and protect others.

So Yuta's love is a screaming, raging, overprotective monster, but it's also what give shim the motivation to fight ofr others. Yuta's love is a curse, but curses can save people too.

Yuta on the other hand isn't aware of his own darker nature most of the time.

The big twist in Jujutsu kaisen Zero is that just as Maki accused him of from the beginning, Yuta was playing the victim all along. He acted like Rika cursed him with her dying breath, but Yuta was the one who cursed her because he couldn't bear to live without her.

However, even this apology is a bit telling of Yuta's self-centered nature. He immediately turns everything into his fault and starts beating himself up over it. He doesn't look at anyone else's perspectives or that other people had a role to play. He deliberately ignores Rika's feelings on the past few years, which Rika is quick to point out for him.

This scene has a parallel later where Yuta ultimately, only thinks about himself first and foremost. In spite of wanting so badly to be surrounded by his loved ones, it's more about him loving them, and less about their feelings for him.

After all he's completely willing to commit a double suicide with Rika to protect his friends, ignoring the fact Rika doesn't want him to pass on just yet, and Maki, Inumaki and Panda wouldn't want him to disappear either. This scene has a direct parallel a year later in the fight against Sukuna when Yuta gives up his body.

Maki almost breaks character from her usual culling game arcs stoicity to fight and argue with Yuta to stop him form doing this, and Rika who one year earlier told Yuta to live a long life so she wouldn't have to see him on the other side so soon is reduced to screaming and sobbing while holding his dead body.

Yuta loves people, or at least he feels an intense amount of love for people, but he can be as self-centered as the other sorcerers we see in the story. Geto even points this out right away, that Yuta is selfish, that he's seeking self-affirmation first and foremost. He needs other people's approval, their love, to feel like he deserves to exist. He'll do anything to earn that love, and once he has it he'll do anything to protect it but it's ultimately for himself.

It manifests in Yuta's technique itself copy, which first and foremost requires Yuta to consume parts of his loved ones that can never be healed if he wants to keep their copied technique. Yuta gets stronger by literally eating his loved ones. We have canon confirmation that Yuta fed part of Inumaki's severed arm to Rika.

Yuta's cursed technique is to emulate the strengths of all of his loved ones copying them and making them a part of his oqn technique, because Yuta will take any shape and form in order to be loved. It's also the perfect technique for fighting as a part of a group, because someone like Sukuna will naturally assume that Yuta's technique STEALS instead of COPYING so he'll forget that the original still retains their technique.

Yuta's not only selfish and has a very selfish, overprotective love for others, but it's those exact qualities that make him an effective sorcerer strong in the area that Gojo is the weakest. Group coordination.

Gojo is in his element when he's alone, but Yuta is so codependent that he literally cannot exist unless other people are looking at him. His strength comes from the things he copies and takes from his friend, and he turned his loved one into a puppet to fight others. Is it really that surprising that this kid would willingly use Gojo's body as a weapon after death when that's literally what he did to Rika.

How telling is it that like Yuta learned that Rika was cursed by him, went so far to exorcise her spirit, and then after finally letting go after her spirit passed on he made a second Shikigami named Rika a few months later made out of the small remnants of cursed energy that Rika left behind as a gift after passing on. The dude is not over Rika, he's like, Geto and Gojo levels of not over Rika.

Yuta's cursed technique being the literal weaponization of his love and his loved ones makes him the best character for group coordination in the entire series. Yuta even adopts apsects of hakari's persona when making his plans against Sukuna since he decides to gamble at several key points in the plan.

Several of the key moments in the fight are all Yuta's plans, with some collaboration from Angel. He makes several bets too like Hakari would. The first being going to finish Kenjaku by himself and using both Todo and Takaba in conjunction to trick him. The second is the bet that he'd be able to make it back in time to rejoin the fight in case Higuruma's plan fail.

It was Yuta who let his own domain barrier down on purpose to let Sukuna think he had the victory so he would let his guard down and make it easy for Maki to ambush him. Something that also required perfect coordination between Yuta and Maki working in tandem with one another.

Yuta set up Hana to do one large jacob's ladder when Sukuna least expected it because he knew Sukuna would forget that his technique is COPY and not steal. He also made the biggest bluff which was leading Sukuna to believe that he fed Rika his last finger.

These aren't just good bluffs, they require near perfect coordination with your allies and taking several chances on them. Nobara might not have even woken up so the last finger / resonance Gambit was perhaps the biggest gamble. Maki and Yuta had to coordinate with each other well so Maki would be there when Yuta dropped the barrier. Yuta needed Takaba a relatively new and inexperienced sorcerer to survive against the threat that was Kenjaku, and he needed all of his allies to stay alive while he was prioritizing Kenjaku.

These are all plans Satoru Gojo would never have been able to pull off, because Gojo only ever relies on himself. If Yuta and Hakari had intervened in the Gojo and Sukuna fight then he would not have been able to go all out, whereas Yuta REQUIRES people collaborating with him in order TO GO ALL OUT.

This is Yuta. This is his strength. Yuta is nothing without love, so he takes on the forms of the people he loves and takes things from the people he loves in order to gain the power to protect him. Yuta copies everything from the people he loves, so is it really that much of a surprise that he'd become a monster just like Gojo.

In some ways, Geto and Yuuta were the same. Geto was too sincere. To someone like him, the reality that the world of sorcerers presented to him was just too cruel. ’…that in a world like this, I couldn’t be truly happy from the bottom of my heart.’ To live for the purpose of being yourself. And for that goal, Geto could only continue to pursue his twisted dream, drowning himself in the curse that lies in the gap between ideal and reality.

Love is a weapon for Yuta. Just like his curse technique can take any form, so does Yuta's love, and so does Yuta himself. Love always wins, and in order to do so Yuta will take any shape necessary, no matter how twisted.

Love is the worst curse of them all, and Yuta will become the worst monster of them all if it means protecting his love ones.

[branules]

Why do you like aeriseph, sorry if this comes off as rude but I'm generally not too involved in any fandoms so I can't figure out for myself why ppl like this that's just my dumbass lmao

ok i've sat on this one for like a week debating if i should answer or not but sure. i'll preface this by saying that there is no canonical basis for aeriseph in ffvii. like i can't stress enough how much i am making shit up because i like to have fun. but anyway.

the short answer is:

1. sephiroth and aerith are my two favorite fictional characters. 2. i like to draw my two favorite characters lezzing out, because i am a lesbian, and because my sephiroth is transfem. it makes me smile.

as for the longer answer:

i like how much aerith and sephiroth parallel and contrast each other. i like the idea of aerith of having a secret affair with the evil dead woman she is duty-bound to save the world from. not to mention this evil dead woman's ties to zack and the incident that took him from her. i like the idea of the planet's steward and calamity's child going against their natures because they can't resist each other, and it becomes haunting and tragic knowing aerith's eventual fate and the sort of eternal damnation that waits for sephiroth afterwards for doing something so unforgivable, considering she goes from godhood to immortal planet parasite unable to pass on. i find it soooo compelling to think that despite their feelings for each other, aerith ultimately loved the planet and her friends more, enough to do everything in her power to stop sephiroth with Holy, and that sephiroth chose an extraterrestrial brainworm masquerading as a mother over a kind-hearted woman who offered her genuine love. i like the idea of aerith drawing out all the human parts of sephiroth that sephiroth tried so hard to exorcise herself of. i could go on about this for forever but basically i just like doomed yuri.

some necessary addendums:

first, a lot of people like to imagine aerith and sephiroth as siblings. that's fine and cute and i totally get it, but that's not what i'm trying to do. i don't interact with a lot of aerith and sephiroth content that views them with that angle, even if it's cute, precisely because i don't want to cross those wires or make anyone uncomfortable thinking i'm trying to come at this from an incest or underage angle.

second, i want to add that i really don't fw the other aeriseph content i've seen out there lol. i just think i'm into aeriseph for fundamentally different reasons, considering i have no desire to depict them as a het pairing or create gooner noncon content and the like. it isn't that i'm better than anyone, i just don't want to be associated with what goes on in that pairing tag on ao3, and i can't blame anyone who doesn't like aeriseph for that very same reason. i have yet to see someone go about aeriseph in the same l way as i do (sighhhhhh </3) so until then i'm just going to continue playing with my barbie dolls in my locked ivory tower. i am delusional but i am free. hope this helps <3

[unmanageably]

whats the tea on kd leaving the warriors? i was a casual fan at the time it happened so i don't know the situation

well... let me be brief (1/278)

lmao jk but.... well a lot! and most of it is speculation, etcetc ofc we'll never truly know until 20 years later when the last dance-esque documentary comes out about the warriors in the steph curry era lmao-- but the story goes like this:

kevin durant was the superstar of okc thunder and was steadily building up the franchise over the years to become serious contenders for a championship. they were always close, but had never quite made it. but with a good FO/org behind him, westbrook by his side, they were always really close— but again, as we all know, it was never enough (made the finals in 2012. lost. would make the playoffs but always got defeated). in 2016, they once again get really close at the western conference finals where they led the series 3-1 against the warriors. despite that they lose. a mere month later, he joins the warriors: a team that's obviously at the beginning of a dynasty— they won a championship in 2015 and made it into the finals in 2016. but more importantly, the team that beat kevin durant and okc thunder at the conference finals.

there were layers to this "betrayal" and to this day people still think this one decision "ruined the sport" (lol). people saw it as a betrayal on KD's part and it took an incredible hit to his reputation. you almost make it to the finals, you have an incredible teammate in westbrook by your side, an org that supports you and is willing to uplift you to your highest star potential, and you leave? to join the team that BEAT you? to the team that has steph curry, klay thompson, draymond green, andre iguodala?

already a hugely successful team without KD, but with him, it was undeniable. a superteam. yeah, a lot of team has duos or trios. lebron and kyrie, lebron and dwade, harden and cp3, etcetc. but this team was different levels. a whole team full. the team was 73-9 without KD. massively talented already. but now? steph, KD, klay as offensive threats. draymond and andre as defensive threats. insanely good roleplayers like shaun livingston.

everyone was livid. not just OKC fans. everyone in the league! the warriors, and KD's name specifically was tarnished. how disrespectful for the warriors to even think about creating a team like this. how disrespectful for KD to leave an org that's done so much for him. sports media was tearing into them, fans were tearing into them, they were quite literally, the most hated north american sports team. fans were burning jerseys, making videos threatening KD, etc.

we all know how KD with the warriors went. winning fixes all, right? arguably the most dominant team in nba history (2017 warriors vs 1996 bulls a common debate to this day), the warriors absolutely dominated the nba, and went on to win the 2017 and 2018 championships. KD finally gets his two rings and a FMVP. and the warriors still stay the most hated team in the league. you either loved the warriors or hated them! no in between. the narrative is that KD's rings were called into question because he "had a superteam" so they weren't "valid".

2018-2019 is when it all kinda starts falling apart. the warriors are plagued with injuries, and it's just clear they don't have the synergy and chemistry that they did before. it was most clear during a game against the clippers where draymond and kd visibly fought after a bad play at the end where draymond refused to pass to kd. draymond had allegedly yelled at kd and told him to just leave the warriors, and that they didn't need him (kd's contract was up that year as well). KD has said in later years that that argument was kind of like the ~last straw for him and the nail in the coffin for him leaving. he had already been having feelings of being "the odd man out"— though they were winning together and had good synergy on court, the core3 plus the other players were already a tight knit family long before he had arrived. after the incident with draymond, the team never really sat down and talked about it: just brushed it under the rug (dray was suspended for one game but nothing was talked about). KD felt like it was a slap in the face, all this stuff about how gsw is known for good team chemistry and good culture but they just wanted to brush that very public incident under the rug? after that he started playing more selfishly— less like how they would play as a team and more in isolation. KD gets injured during the finals, and as we know, klay gets injured as well: we lose the finals. we don't get the sought after three-peat. KD signs with the brooklyn nets and the rest is history.

i talked a lot about the beginning of KD signing on to the warriors because i feel like that was really the root of why he left. he became one of the most hated players in north american sports. his own fans tore into him. sports media all tore into him. calling him mentally weak, pathetic, etc. and does winning fix all? i feel like KD with the warriors was proof that... it doesn't. KD gets two rings that he basically sold his soul to the devil for AND two FMVPs and people still don't respect him. on top of that he wins it with the warriors: which has always been and will always be Steph Curry's Team. yeah he was integral to those wins, but you can't compete with how steph has built the dynasty, yk? what steph has given to the warriors.

so at the end of the day, the story goes like this: KD "betrays" okc by going to the team who beat him in the conference finals, creates the first real "superteam" in the nba (the superteam discourse is a whole other thing smh like teams aren't trying to do that now but i digress). the whole sports world is going in on him, he's basically sold his soul for these rings. he gets his rings, he gets his FMVP. but his legacy and reputation is still called into question: he's integral but still won his rings and his FMVPs on STEPH CURRYs team, not his. Steph's. on top of all the outside noise, internally he's not happy either. he doesn't feel protected within the team. he has beef with draymond, and steph/klay + the franchise will clearly always have their loyalty to draymond. he doesn't buy into the team culture anymore, and he feels like the odd one out. the only thing that could make him stay would be to keep winning more rings. but the two rings he has didn't fix anything. so why stay? what does he have going for him?

(he goes on to bounce between different teams, tries to build his own superteams but never comes as close as he did. meanwhile steph klay and draymond go through a tough two years, considerably the lowest two years in the steph/core3 era, and come out on top: they win the '22 finals, against a celtics team that had an 84% chance of winning the finals. they save their dynasty, their legacy. steph proves that he won a chip BEFORE KD, during KD, and AFTER KD as well.)

[self-loving-vampire]

That medium post is highlighting just how fucked people get when they treat gender norms like a Serious Thing you must abide by. Like, what?

1- "A weak thing really wanting to be strong is pathetic" is the kind of thing that is like... who is even saying that?

The virtue of wanting to become stronger (be it for altruistic reasons or even just to master your art) no matter how pitiful your starting position is seems to be something that repeatedly comes up in fiction.

It's not just shonen training arcs to help you overcome someone who outclasses you in every way but also things the RPG journey of starting out at level 1 barely knowing your left from your right and becoming strong enough to kill god at the end.

In fact, this is what makes games like Gothic and Dark Souls so appealing. You start out so weak that everything obliterates you in one or two hits and you're pretty much just another doomed soul in a horrible situation, but if you persevere you can overcome anything.

Maybe stop thinking of strength or weakness as something inherent to gender rather than something you need to cultivate through training and experience? Sure there's geniuses like me who get a huge experience multiplier but that's not gendered either.

2- Boys 100% do cry. They often get beat up for it because they're not supposed to cry, but they still do it regardless of how things are "supposed" to be. Because humans are humans and extremely few people naturally fit the platonic ideal of what their gender is supposed to be at all times. Crying is not exclusively a "girl" thing, and it has nothing to do with weakness, bravery, or intelligence.

See, the thing is that the people who actually get good at video games are usually people who enjoy playing video games and do it on their own rather than just when they pick up something they have never done before in an effort to get validation while being anxious the whole time because they arbitrarily decided that video games are "boy things".

You're not just missing out on the confidence buff but also jumping into a mid-game area before finishing the tutorial. What did you think was going to happen?

"Fantasy story where a woman is doing cool stuff" is like... not even abnormal if you ever engage with anything outside the absolute most mainstream of media. Maybe it won't feel so shameful if you realize it has been done extremely well countless times before.

Also gendering romance seems like a mistake as well. Like, from the exact same story as the above image:

Yeah, it turns out stories can have both romance and women doing cool things and mature, non-sexist men will not necessarily hate either of those aspects.

I'm one of those people who got physical abuse to transition to mainly just threats by fighting back, and you know what that was actually like?

I never was even remotely as strong as big as my father was. I'm 170 cm and grew up malnourished (about 100-110 lbs before I left). I eventually also developed a major disability. Meanwhile he was huge and has literally killed people before. Most of those teens who fought back against their abusive dads? They probably were still physically weaker than said dads too.

But none of that matters, because you don't need to actually win, you just need to show your will to fight. You need to make it clear that there's going to be serious costs if they are violent towards you, and even children who haven't gone through puberty at all are capable of doing that if they give zero fucks.

Even an unarmed 10-year-old who was truly willing to do so is capable of causing lasting harm to an adult. I don't blame anyone for not trying something like that themselves since most people don't want to harm their parents and are averse to pain, but it's definitely dumb to make it into a gender thing that is just impossible without a specific type of puberty.

Also I should note that in a lot of cases this doesn't make the abuse stop entirely. It didn't in my case.

This is literally just applying that one comic to yourself.

Hope you're sitting down for the next bit:

Playing cool video games is the modern day equivalent of fighting war??? How does that even occur to you? Video games are literally entertainment. More like reading books or playing sports than killing people for real.

Also like, war still exists? That's kind of a big thing that is going on right now. War exists and people are fighting it. If this person grew up in the US then their country has been at war in some capacity for the vast majority of its existence. The modern day equivalent of war is war, and war is not actually cool or respectable like gaming is.

Putting up a bright billboard that reads "You know you don't have to be like that just because of your gender, right?"

Like, who cares if the other women you know personally only improve their skills for the sake of dress-up and horses? Do you not have things you want to do? I don't know what to say other than that this reads like NPC behavior.

Tip: You can be a man if you want, but also that probably won't give you instant competence or respect like you think it will. You're still going to have to Get Good at whatever it is you want to do.

So the kind of person who tries to fake an interest in "boy things" in a completely half-assed and insecure way actually exists and has terminal gender essentialist brain. I see.

I do think that's kind of shameful not just for the essentialist garbage but also in the sense that it reads like someone who is too invested in trying to insincerely impress others at the cost of their own individuality and pursuits.

If you're going to be taking right-wing types seriously then maybe you should at least notice that they also don't seem to respect tradwife types at all. They want to own them, sure, but they don't respect them. Attraction is not respect. Those people just don't respect women by default for reasons that are patently bullshit.

This is, from multiple angles, a personal problem. Some of us actually do like video games rather than using them as a way to get respect.

In fact, I'd hate it if people made a big deal out of the fact that I'm a woman who likes video games. That is and should be just a normal, unremarkable thing.

You know, maybe that whole thing where you see yourself as an eternal, inherent weakling not just physically but technically is unhealthy and holding you back from even considering that you could ever be good at anything besides child-rearing and clothes.

Good thing that she rarely feels like this anymore as an adult who is (according to the comments) no longer in a religious cult but this is like... putting my sexist father's thoughts in a self-loathing woman, basically?

[imagines-by-cleo]

Alright I’ll be adding another one to your numerous kaz requests😅can we get one where a female assassin (not Quiet lol) attempts to murder mgsv!Kaz and despite the hate he falls in love with her? I just thought the idea of Kaz having an ex assassin lover might be interesting.

and like everyone is saying…please take your time and don’t rush. Love your blog xoxo

~I'm back~ and omg I can't believe it took me until the new year to finish this. I've been writing this one bit by bit for the last couple months and I liked this prompt so much I'm almost sad to finish it. Thank you friend for thinking of this! Maybe I'll do a part two after I finish the rest of the requests and the few of my own I have in the works that should hopefully be out soon.

CW: SMUT, kinda dubcon, bondage, nipple play, teasing, fingering, orgasm denial, switch!Kaz, rough sex, unprotected sex, hair pulling

You gasped as another bucket full of freezing water was dumped over you, making you shudder and strain against the chains that held your arms above your head. Ready to shout another insult at the overdressed bastard that had been interrogating you until the swish of the sliding door echoed across the room and a stranger stepped in.

His presence held weight and his silence added to that, while you held your breath the only sound was the clanking of his cane on the metal floor slowly coming closer and closer.

"I tried everything, but unless you want me to seriously hurt her she's not gonna budge." The cowboy spoke, sounding just a little too excited as he hinted for permission to really get to work.

"That's not necessary." Kaz replied, sounding just the slightest bit defensive. "Let me talk to her. Alone."

"I don't think that's a good idea..."

"I don't care what you think." Kaz snapped back.

With a shrug the other man walked out of the room and you were left alone with your former target. If he wanted you dead it's likely he would have just killed you already, it was more possible that he wanted answers, secrets that you were in no position to be giving away. There was still a chance that you could save this mission from failure but if you cracked and gave away any information you would be dodging assassins better than yourself for the rest of your life.

He came closer in no hurry at all, clanking of his crutch hitting the metal floor echoed through the silent room like a doom drum. As he stood between you and the only light in the room he made a rather intimidating silhouette, towering over you in complete silence. Though you knew that his calm collected nature was just a ruse to put you in suspense you couldn't help but feel a little defeated as it was working.

"Let's start at the beginning." He said before starting his interrogation. "How did you get in?"

"Wouldn't you like to to know soldier boy?" You quipped, earning the smallest hint of a growl that he made quick work of silencing before he continued.

"Who do you work for?" He asked.

"You have a lot of enemies. Kaz." You teased, staring him down. "Just pick one to blame it on for now, it won't matter in the end."

"This doesn't have to be difficult." He stated, more reasonably than anyone who was almost murdered had a right to sound.

"Oh you haven't even seen difficult yet." You challenged, sounding more like a bratty child than a deadly assassin.

He quickly raised his hand, thinking he was going to hit you you flinched, not expecting to find him only reaching for the top button of your fatigues. It really did catch you off guard when he started to pop open each button slowly, one after the other until your whole front was undone and chest ready to be exposed by the slightest pull of the fabric.

Though the clothes still covered all that they were supposed to, the chilly wet fabric clinging tightly to your skin left little to the imagination. The sunglasses covering his eyes made it hard to tell where Kaz was looking yet you could still feel yourself shrinking under his gaze and fought your restraints with the urge to cover yourself.

Raising his hand to his mouth and biting down on the fingertip of his glove he pulled it off with his teeth then spit it onto the floor. He touched his bare hand to your neck, feeling how your breath was starting to quicken and more so when you knew he noticed, then pressing his thumb lightly over your windpipe he felt it stop. You found yourself wondering, doubting and then fearing again if a one handed man could even strangle you. Something in his firm grasp told you that he was ready to, and threatened, no, promised that he would.

His fingers moved, tracing your collar bone then stopping on the center of your chest, feeling your racing heartbeat for just a moment before slowly pulling one side of your shirt open. The touch of his hand on your skin felt both foreign and warm against your cold skin, even when he started to cup your uncovered breast it was difficult to reject.

"What are you doing?" You asked with an all too telling shake in your voice, receiving no answer from the man touching you.

You wanted to kick him away, spit at him maybe, call him a pervert or something worse, but the way he touched you was so meticulous and not at all a rushed taking of an opportunity. His touch was deliberate yet gentle, and the bitter scowl still stuck on his face told you that this wasn't for his enjoyment.

The cold water had already made your nipples stand out leaving them much easier to touch, he circled one with his thumb lightly toying with it and making you shudder. You did your best not to show a reaction and began to bite your lip in fear of making a noise as he continued to squeeze and massage the soft flesh in his grasp.

Soon his fingers started to wander lower, until they had reached a point that made you assess whether you should reject his touch or open up to it you found your body had already answered for you as your legs parted without any resistance. Truth be told there were certainly more horrible people to be captured by, even when you were looking at his file and saw the messy blonde hair and the mysterious shades you thought it would be a shame to kill him.

His fingers ran slowly up and down your slit, only brushing your clit with every other languid stroke. You could feel yourself getting wetter and eventually hear it too when you started to soak his fingers and make it easier for them to glide over your folds. When you rolled your hips forward to grind against his palm only finding he suddenly pulled his hand away, now you knew what his goal was.

"That's a dirty trick." You huffed, rubbing your thighs together though it was no substitute for his touch.

"Talk." He demanded, returning just one finger to rub little circles around your clit without ever really touching it.

"I can't." You growled in frustration. "They have other assassins ready to kill anyone that cracks."

His fingers moved down to circle your entrance, making you more and more desperate with each stroke. The satisfied look on his face as you got visibly closer to breaking was your only motivation to stay quiet. He leaned in close enough that you could feel his breath on your skin, the ghost of a touch of his lips on your ear seemed to hit every nerve in your body as he whispered.

"Are you sure you're so worried about that?" He asked, challenging the last bit of strength you had left.

One finger pressed in slowly, enough that you could savor the slight stretch which you couldn't tell whether it came from the thickness of the digit or how hard you had been clenching around it. Sliding in as deep as possible before curling, you moaned out loud as the feeling in the core grew more intense and demanded relief.

Kaz leaned in close until his lips where just ghosting over your own, you wanted to lean forward to kiss him but he was just out of reach. Still he lingered, tasting every breath growing deeper and faster while his fingers pumped in time. Just as you were sure you could cum all over his fingers he pulled his hand away.

"No, no, no, please!" You whimpered, trying to get his touch back before your release was lost.

"Tell me." He reiterated much to your frustration.

"It's XOF, okay? They sent me to kill you." You finally broke down and admitted not even caring about the consequences.

"What else do you know about them?" He continued.

"They don't tell me that much, probably in case I got captured, but they have more people they're gonna send if I don't come back."

"In that case we're gonna have to tighten up security around here..." His attention drifted off as he started to mentally plan.

"Did anyone ever tell you that you're a damn tease?" You jeered.

That seemed to be the only thing that broke his scowl as he let out a short laugh, he even seemed to stay amused as he turned and walked away. "Well if those assassins are only as skilled as you I guess we have nothing to worry about."

"Hey, where are you going?" You asked though you received no answer

Totally unbothered as he kept walking and not the slightest bit guilty for leaving you so desperately untouched as he entered the code and stepped out the door.

"Kaz, you can't leave me like this." You shouted after him shamelessly bargaining. "It's gotta be against the Geneva convention or something."

As as the door shut behind him and your begging shouts had turned into frustrated curses as you strained against your bonds. The room was left deadly silent making the sound of your pounding heart echo louder through your neglected body and you found yourself wishing that someone would have mercy and dump another bucket of cold water on you.

~

Ever since that day you had been working exclusively for the diamond dogs under the direct orders of Kazuhira Miller. Doing odd missions and assassinations that Big Boss was too busy to take care of, your most difficult mission so far was convincing everyone that you were no longer a threat, but for the most part you left that up to Kaz. Your loyalty lied only with him and for the worst reason, every day that you worked you counted yourself lucky that that no one else knew the truth or what your goals really were; although every once in a while you would get a knowing glance from that cowboy you met earlier.

Soon enough you had earned enough trust to have the privilege of a room of your own, it was hardly an upgrade from your cold cell but it at least had a proper bed, the only real problem was how empty it felt. The nights there were unbearable alone and you constantly found yourself tossing and turning with an insatiable need burning through your body. Your own touch was hardly enough to satisfy, even when you pretended your fingers were his while tracing all the places he had touched before.

One night you couldn't take it anymore, frustrated with the growing wetness between your thighs you ventured out to go find the relief you had been craving for far too long. Without even bothering to put on more than the t-shirt you slept in and a thin pair of panties you snuck out through the halls avoiding detection much like you would on a real mission.

Security had increased since you first infiltrated the base, but luckily for you not in the places it mattered. The routes patrol took were the same and the direction cameras were pointed never changed either, both faults practically inviting you into Kaz's quarters.

He wasn't a very sound sleeper, just like the first time you saw him he was tossing and turning in a fight with his own dreams before he even woke to notice an intruder. Quietly and carefully you crept onto his bed watching him twitch and mumble for a moment before you crawled over and straddled him, pushing the sweat dampened hair back from his forehead you noticed his breathing start to steady as his eyes fluttered open.

The peace didn't last long however, when he woke up enough to realize there was someone else in the room his expression changed to pure rage. His hand flew to your throat squeezing tight even after he recognized you almost as if you were the nightmare he had been fighting with. Only gently setting a hand on his arm while trying not to give in to your instinct to fight back, eventually his grip relaxed though he didn't let go of your neck.

"Trying to kill me again?" He questioned, baring his teeth.

"No." You answered simply, a blush crept onto you face along with a hint of a nervous smile.

Kaz was about to say something else, most likely a follow up question until he felt the answer in your fingertips creeping along the waistband of his boxers. He was stunned at the boldness of your touch, giving you the opportunity to grab his wrist and pin it to his side.

"You never told me how you got in here." He confidantly remarked, as if he was still in control.

"The same way I got in last time." You answered proudly. "And you didn't even bother to lock the door this time."

Noticing the hint of a smirk on his face you could almost assume that he knew, even as you felt him strain in your grasp but never really fight against it made you think this vulnerability was just an act or more likely a trap. Suspicious as his behavior was you couldn't help but take the opportunity before you, hooking your finger on his boxers waistband and slowly pulling them down.

With a few light strokes you soon felt his cock stiffen up in your grasp then once it was nice and hard you gripped tighter and pumped a little faster. Watching his chest rise and fall as his breathing grew deeper you were hoping to get something like a whimper or maybe you could even get him beg and look as pathetic as you must have when he was teasing you.

The idea swirled in your head as you softened your grip and slowed down until you were only giving him short lazy strokes. Kaz let out a deep frustrated groan, while it wasn't what you were hoping for it was a start. He opened his eyes to see you staring down at him with sadistic intentions then gave you a defiant smile while shaking his head.

Pouting at his reaction you became even more determined to get him to crack, with only your thumb and your forefinger you continued to work his shaft until you could practically hear him grinding his teeth. He had almost wiggled his wrist out of your grasp but you kept a firm hold on him.

After deciding you had enough of teasing him you let go and moved up to hover your hips just above his, though he tried to hide it his twitching and squirming gave him away. Your mouth watered at the sight of Kaz held down panting with his swollen leaking cock out and proud just waiting for you to touch it while the growing ache between your own legs was getting too much to ignore

Too impatient to even take them completely off you simpliy slid your panties to the side before straddling him and lowering down, taking a minute roll your hips and drag his tip across your slit and feel it twitch while you soaked his cock. He let out the most delicious gasp when you slammed down on him and took the entire length with little resistance, for a moment you stayed there just savoring the feeling that was so much better than you had imagined in the long lonely nights.

The small victory wasn't yours to enjoy for very long, you held still long enough to feel him writhe impatiently and try to raise his hips in protest, you kept your resolve and only lifted slowly off of him then lowered back down taking just one inch at a time. Kaz groweld at first, then he sighed, then he whined. It was just like how you were when he left literally hanging in that cold cell, maybe even worse. The idea of that revenge made you dizzy with the promise of relief like you had been wanting, and you found yourself feeling just merciful enough to use him to get it.

Squeezing around him and making him moan without any hint of shame, his wrist went limp in your grasp and he relaxed and allowed you to continue your sweet torture. It did feel like a victory to render him as helpless as he was beneath you, even the idea of it made you wetter than you thought possible and the sight of it made you shudder. In that moment you needed release more than you needed revenge, the bitterness you felt toward him slipped further away every time you sunk down on his cock.

Your hips were moving on their own at that point, it was hard to tell who was getting more pleasure out of it all you knew was that you were getting so close to that sweet relief you had needed since he first touched you. Reminded of that night you had the idea of bringing his hand up to your chest, having him touch you like only he could.

As soon as you released his wrist his hand flew to your thigh grabbing tight and using it as leverage to throw you off onto your back, already stunned at being tossed off like that you never expected him to flip you again before climbing over and using his weight to keep you pinned down with a hand on the back of your neck.

"Fuck! Not again." You groaned, feeling your release slipping away.

His fingers twisted into your hair while he pushed your face into the pillow, the way he held you down made nearly impossible to even shift your weight let alone break free. Although his still hard cock rubbing against you from behind curbed your want to escape.

He laughed as you tried to wiggle yourself out to no avail. "I expect better from my best assassin, I should teach you a lesson."

Fighting his grasp just enough to turn your head for a moment to ask while sliding your panties down and coyly grinding against him. "Would you call this a lesson, or maybe a punishment?"

"A mission, now shut up and take it." He answered bluntly before forcing your head back into the pillow.

The first thrust buried his entire length deeper than it had gone before, without even realizing it you were whimpering helplessly while he pulled out to the tip and repeated the action again. Over and over the cycle continued of him leaving you nearly empty just to plunge in even deeper and quicker.

It was almost too much but you were so afraid of him stopping and not letting you finish that you spread your legs farther and took even more. Your cheeks grew red in pure embarrassment as you lost all control over the noises coming from your mouth, more so when Kaz pulled your head back by the hair and forced you to cry out in the open.

"C'mon, let everyone know who you're loyal to now." He demanded, twisting your hair and earning another scream.

He was so cruel, but honestly that was what you wanted, the violence, the insults, the brutal manhandling, all of it. Ever since that day you were wishing he would just pound you like this, all the while giving you that blood chilling scowl.

That feeling of reaching your peak came creeping up through your body again, and with it a fear that you would be denied release. You arched your back and bucked your hips in rhythm with his trying to take in as much of him as you possibly could while fully expecting him to chastise you for being so desperate.

"Don't... Don't make me beg for it again." You panted out, lifting up and pressing your back to his chest.

He snorted at your request. "You're so lucky I'm bored of teasing you."

Having him so close while you came made the sensation so much more intense, feeling his breathing get deeper while he pounded even harder and pulled your hair even tighter. He tugged your head to the side so he could put his mouth on your neck and practically taste every moan that flowed out, his lips felt scorching on your already burning skin consuming you completely in a wildfire of passion.

Kaz pulled out and turned you over while your legs were still twitching, before he could even push back in you caught a glance through the glaze in your eyes and saw the first spurts of cum dripping out of his cock. He shut his eyes and bared his teeth while he continued to roll his hips forward, letting out long low groan and gripping your thigh tight. The feeling of him twitching inside while he while he filled you up was just too much for your sore overstretched hole, but the lingering need to keep him close kept you from telling him to stop and instead making you wrap your legs around his waist.

Spent, exhausted and finally finished he dropped down, his face only a few inches away from your own. Your breath mixed and your eyes locked in a moment of honest exposure, the bitterness and tension being released finally allowed the two of you to really see each other for a brief moment.

He didn't hold back at all, touching and kissing you wildly wherever he pleased while you were still shivering and giving you all the contact you had been begging for all this time. While you were a little taken aback by his treatment you readily accepted and even returned the affection where you could.

"Do you know how bad I wanted to do this while you were all tied up in there?" He revealed through heavy breaths.

Even his affection was violent. Kisses from a man who forgot any other way to be intimate could nearly drown you in wave after brutal wave, but you wouldn't just survive without returning in kind. Not simply allowing Kaz to take over your body, you savagely took his as well. Becoming nothing more than a tangled mess of tongues and teeth, hands grabbing and pulling desparately whether they landed on hair or skin.

In one of the rare instances when your lips had to part for oxygen you took the opportunity to say. "Kaz. Don't take this the wrong way but, I'm so glad I came to kill you."

"There's no right way for you to take this but, I'm glad you're bad at your job." He replied with a grin.

With the slightest urge to prove him wrong right there you laughed and kissed him again. For the rest of the night it continued like that, with the two of you sharing banter while holding each other close. The end of the agonizingly tense relationship you previously had sparked the begining of something that would be a challenge to explain if anyone on base found out. If they found out.

[pseudophan]

idk if this is confirmed or if im insane but i feel like dan in his why i quit youtube video was talking about how he felt like there was Dan content and Dan And Phil content and how he felt like he was split between them....i wonder if hes trying both to see what he still likes to do. he had his internet show and now danandphilgamws is back like. i have a feeling he's trying to figure things out rn

i think dan ultimately wants to do his own thing and has a lot of ideas and aspirations, specifically he wants to be a stage comedian like his passion is clearly for live performances and while the comedy bit is still being fine tuned (i'm not saying he's bad, in fact he's kinda good ngl, but he definitely has a way to go if he wants to be Great) the performance part he's got DOWN like say what you want about that man but he ooowwwnnnsss a stage. also he's weirdly great at audience interaction lmao? that was my main takeaway from we're all doomed, both the pre show and the show itself, he deals with heckling like.. AMAZINGLY well. he's genuinely hilarious responding to an audience like i never thought i'd say this a few years ago but i think he might actually have a future in live comedy lmao????

but i also think he.. needs money LOL like he's said many a time he doesn't really love being a full time youtuber, but also he does enjoy making youtube videos! just, you know.. not full time. but while on his own channel making Daniel Howell(tm) videos he puts a lot of pressure on himself, and then if he does a slightly less high pressure series or whatever (dystopia daily) it's relatively well received and the videos are good enough but like.. it's not the traction he wants, nor the traction he needs

ultimately dan knows that if he wants to keep and potentially build an audience online that lies in Dan And Phil. it always has and it always will. and i think for a long time he struggled with that, and as much as people gave him shit for it i completely get it. like, lmao, of COURSE he wants to be recognised for his own abilities and not just the dynamic and chemistry he's got going with... his literal partner. honestly it would be one thing if dnp were just comedy partners because there are a lot of comedy duos on the world who've made it big, but i think there's something about it being him and his full time actual real life boyfriend/life partner that kinda makes it weird. and as much as i love the dnp dynamic i still do get that feeling so much like honestly who can blame him ?? if your entire professional life is just.. your personal life but on camera ? that's weird. it's gotta feel weird and it's definitely unfulfilling for someone as aspirational as dan and i can't blame him at all for it

that being said, dan clearly does really enjoy making videos with phil. which yeah of course he does, he gets to just turn on a camera and talk shit with the guy he talks shit with all day long anyway. and i think what he's now realised is 1. if he wants to keep/build an audience, the dan and phil branding is where it's at and 2. he needs an income while he works on whatever solo projects he's got going on, and dnp makes a loooot of money

basically my point is - dan seems to really enjoy making videos with phil but he knows that's not really a life long career choice. as much as i'd love them to, it's not really an option for them to be playing sims when they're like, sixty. and while phil is relatively chill and seems to just take things as they come, which tbh is probably the healthiest way of doing things, dan is very overthinking and wants to get ahead of everything and also in general just like.. he wants to build a career! he wants to build something on his own and i can't fault him for that at all. dan knows that one day he's gonna need something more than just Dan And Phil if he wants to keep working, and he's laying the groundwork right now to be able to do that

again, though, i don't want anyone to take this as like 'dan is only doing dapg to make money and rebuild a fanbase' because as much as that is definitely a big part of it... just look at the man. in these videos. he's having a great time. and also, as annoying as we are, he does kinda love us. sometimes. maybe. <3

[cherryblossombombs]

MHA 428 spoilers:

Annnnnd here comes the doom posting.....

Remember: Be patient. The chapter ended on a cliffhanger. we don't know what's going to happen. Things were left unanswered and that translator knows that, they're just feeding into the fire. All midoriya did was notice that the girl was feeling was feeling down (because of toga). Remember, it has been implied that midoriya is feeling down because he failed to save tenko, and he's likely noticing that ochako's feeling down because she thinks that she failed to save toga. I'm not feeling a "izch implication/canon" vibe coming from chapter 428. I feel like horikoshi is trolling. he's making us feel that way, just for him to once again, deny the trope of those two being together. There was no implication that Midoriya was looking at her and saying "I got to tell her how I feel (in a romantic way)". Like hori has done this before. Remember ochako's apology and everyone thought that midoriya wanting to go say thank you to her, meant that it was going to imply izch, and then it turned out to be extremely plationic?

Thank the Lord he did the last break week after 427. I can't even imagine what could've happened if he done the break week after this chapter....

Imo, if toga is dead, why wont horikoshi just show her dying??? we've each and every other villain who died, die. We all thought that dabi was implied to be dead, just for his ass to still be alive on a machine lol. Ochako only remembers toga crying and smiling, she never said she saw her die. Hori also said that cameras cut off before we could see what happened after the twice clones disappeared. Again, toga was no where to be found when the people took ochako away in a helicopter. He's did not confirm that girl is dead. The leak translator said that it was semi-canon, not horikoshi.

Like usually I doom post for a minute and then get over it. But I have the biggest gut feeling that hori is literally just playing for shits and giggles. I am not getting this vibe that this is going to be a "Toga's dead, now turns out that midoriya loved ochako this whole time and now they're going to have children" thing. I'm just not having that vibe. This could be another trope subversion (And this is coming from someone that knew deep down that NH/SS was canon back in naruto chapter 678/685, but was in huge denial until chapter 699/700 was leaked).

I'm not going to blame anyone for thinking that it's over for bkdkbk. After thinking about it, I understand why some are posting like the straight ending was confirmed. It's not the first time that it's happened. So I'll not let myself get upset. People are seeing this chapter and are reliving that "shonen MC ends w/female love interest who he never really acknowledged" moment, and I don't blame them for thinking that. It's a common trope, not only in shonen, but in a lot of media where the character who has a stronger/homoerotic relationship with their best friend, is made to end up with someone they don't ever think about.

I'm just going to try to give some hope to some bkdks feeling down: All I'll say to think about everything that has happened and think about how hori did this chapter. It doesn't seem likely that izch was implied. Please be patient. the leaks just dropped. Patience. Like from the dreamgirls song lol

[swordswoman97]

Pirates SMP Chekhov's Guns

So I decided to throw together a quick list of all the Chekhov's guns I've noticed in Pirates SMP. Basically, anything that's been mentioned where I'm very certain it's going to come back into play eventually, though with some of them I have no idea how

The robed people from day one. We know they did something bad to Guqqie, and they somehow turned the corrupted isle into stone, or at least mostly to stone. I almost guarentee we haven't seen the last of them.

The corruption, and Cruppy's connection to it. Cruppy is a pretty constant presense, and we know not all of the corruption was turned to stone cause apparently Acho found some. And brought it back to the faction isles. Why did star think that was a good idea? I don't know. Also Ros seems to building with blocks the corruption was made of so...

The crypt on the sandy isle with the pit. It's tied to whatever is going on with the Gabriel plotline, and with the Slayer claiming that opening it will doom them all, I will be very surprised.

Whatever group is trying to find the treasure Gabriel is after. This is an easy one, but I do think the repercussions are going to be major. This is a group of Kestrels. Not just some group of rouge pirates. One of the other factions. They locked the Slayer up in cage, tried to hold Gabriel captive under the Kestrel base. This is not gonna be good for relations between the Herons and the Kestrels when this secret gets out, and honestly a part of me wonders if this might lead to just full out war between the factions. Kestrels and Kites vs Herons and Nightingales maybe?

That weird ship that attacked Owen. For anyone who didn't see the stream, during his stream yesterday while completely a treasure quest, Owen got shot in the face by a cannon from a larger ship. This is not one of the ships the players can currently buy, plus the only other pirates online at the time were Ros and Martyn, and it definitely wasn't them. Owen said that it was probably a Kite, but other than that theory we really don't know who or what they were. The ship was too far off to really see who might have been on it, and Owen's death message didn't show a username for whoever killed him. They also didn't stick around, by the time Owen returned they were long gone, with the only sign is happened was an odd grave made for his death. And as far as I know this is the only sighting of this weird ship. It wasn't the one that chased them during the Saving Gabriel quest, and it hasn't attacked anyone else (that I know of.) Everything about it is just... weird.

The ice wall Martyn and Sausage found. While exploring today apparently Martyn and Sausage found some weird ice wall, that also might have made strange noises? This information comes second hand so I don't have details. Now I will say, I'm fairly sure this is probably Martyn finding something he's not supposed to be able to access again but who knows? It's especially weird cause the climate of the isle and the surrounding seas is very tropical in vibe. Lots of jungle and palm trees, plus I think one single island with oak and birch. What is a giant wall of ice doing in a tropical sea? This is especially weird cause the only other example we have of a cold area is the area the robed people brought Guqqie to. Did Sausage and Martyn manage to find that place? Were they supposed to be able to? I don't know and I don't think so. Edit: People who watched the stream said it seemed like the pair were meant to find it so I take the bits about Martyn finding something else he's not supposed to be able to access back. Considering he's done it twice already though, can you really blame me for thinking it might have happened again? Further Edit: Yeah, the official twitter just posted about it, that was definitely meant to be found.

[mihai-florescu]

Hiiii could i ask about what exactly happened between leo and izumi? I've read checkmate, but I don't quite get it about how it's izumi's fault why leo started to lock himself up and all that stuff, especially when leoizu started talking during the performance. It's a bit confusing, but from what I understood, leo crumbled because of knowing the fact that he's been used and not loved, and chess breaking up from the inside. Thank you!!

Hii I'll start by saying that this is what I've made sense of this plotline for myself based on what i've read but I am welcome to other interpretations or insights or anything from anyone, it's also likely i could be forgetting things etc so if you have different views I'm curious to listen🫶 i totally welcome the possibility that i could be interpreting or piecing things together wrong (i'm mainly going off of checkmate, hortor night halloween, and next door) so, yeah, putting the disclaimer out there.

Let's see...

Things start going downhill since Leo realizes his music is seen as a weapon and chooses to act accordingly, and to make himself into one too. There's a response to rejection and to a world that doesn't think and feel like he did. But Leo loves bringing joy to people and doesn't actually like destroying others, so the pressure adds up. That's not what breaks him quite yet though (we'll return to that). He has Izumi he's vowed to fight for, a lifeline. But Izumi is driven by his pride and that gets bruised the more they fight, the more opponents' resentment follows them. They were doomed since the moment they started fighting through the dreamfes system. Making enemies out of fellow students when the system is based on student votes is bound for failure, let alone the mental turmoil being constantly surrounded by hatred and fighting brings.

So... Izumi and Leo are on edge more and more, sinking further with every battle. They already struggle with not really understanding or getting through to one another, or to interpret each other. Izumi believes Leo's breaking point came from being hated by others, and that he caused it alone by bringing the sensitive, trusting Leo to fight with him against the other students (taking advantage of Leo, even though Leo himself offered it. And he's not as blameless or stupid as one would think...). He never shows Leo gratitude or love anymore, is always unhappy and the 2 start arguing more seriously, their mental states plummeting the more they struggle, knowing it's futile. So when Leo breaks, Izumi can't help but blame his actions, his ambitions, him using Leo, him and his pride.

On the other hand, we only get Leo's pov in the Next Door monologue, where he reveals what broke him was using his genius songs as weapons and thus drowning out every other individual song that wasn't as skilled but could've been loved by someone. And at some point he starts doing it knowingly, in a way selling out. The unbearable atmosphere of wanting to win that sucks all joy out of music. While Knights is getting resented, Leo uses his composing of songs for others as weapons, drowning out their own voices and creating more destruction. So... it's still his love for people that breaks him in the end, in my opinion, just not what we originally thought through Izumi's view, or at least not fully that.

Leo's breakdown comes with a musical slump. And having tied so much of his worth to his songs, it takes the biggest toll on him. But... I really think it's a combination of everything. Leo's surprisingly self loathing the more you read stories with him so I don't fully believe his monologue in Next Door where he says it's all his fault, especially considering the state he was in during those chapters. I don't believe any of the characters when they say it's all their fault, too many little things were at play and piling up into tragedy, and none of them are really...reliable narrators. They're all in terrible headspaces when they thinks about what happened. But that's also why I feel like I myself could still be interpreting things wrong and welcome new insights and views.

Also... imo Izumi doesn't quite realise how much he cared for Leo until he's out of the picture, broken down, and they can't get back what they had. Ah i got side tracked. What was the question again. Did i even answer the question at all. All these guys are self loathing unreliable narrators...

[fruitcoops]

Hey Eve! I had a request for a fic where Remus has these really distant relatives and they're not the nicest people you could say, just maybe a few levels better than Sirius' family. So anyway Sirius and Remus are forced into having dinner with them and it's unpleasant to say the least, they ask awkward questions about Sirius' family and Remus tries to intervene when he can but overall it goes horribly. And after it's finally over, Remus just apologizes profusely and Sirius is a little shaken up but overall fine enough to assure Remus that it happens, everyone has a few shitty family members that they wish they weren't related to. If you'd like, you can skip the dinner altogether and just write about the conversation between S and R afterward? Or if you don't vibe with this idea, feel free to ignore it too :) No pressure! Thank you, have a nice day <3

For everyone dealing with shitty family this Thanksgiving: you are not alone and I love all of you so much. Hope this gives you some catharsis. This was combined with asks for the fine vs. okay talk and Coops angst where one feels guilty/ blames themselves. Big hugs all around, y'all <3 SW credit goes to @lumosinlove

TW for family fighting, homophobia (mild), infuriating relatives, minor injury (no violence), mentioned past abuse, cutting contact from relatives

The guilt was eating Remus alive, and anger was cauterizing the edges. Forks clinked on fine china plates; he shoved another mouthful of soggy, bland pumpkin pie in his mouth and tried not to scowl too hard.

“So, Remus!” His ground his teeth and forced an interested look as Aunt Carol’s chipper voice broke the tension. “How are you enjoying the NHL so far?”

“It’s great being able to play again,” he answered.

Uncle Chuck snorted. “Be a helluva lot more fun if you scored a goal, eh champ?”

In his periphery, Remus saw his father go rigid and his mother’s knuckles go white on her fork. Beside him, Sirius’ face darkened, and he forced himself to speak before anyone else said anything to ruin the already-awful evening. “Not for lack of trying, that’s for sure.”

“Come on, kiddo, we need something to tell the association!” he chuckled, like it was funny. Aunt Carol hooted with laughter behind her napkin. “Got all that attention and nothing to show for it!”

“It’s a good thing I wasn’t after attention in the first place,” he gritted out. It was a bad night, just as he anticipated when he first got the call from his parents that the annual Black Friday dinner invitation had arrived in the mail. Carol was his mother’s last living relative—there was a sense of obligation in going, though none of them ever truly wanted to. Remus suddenly found himself wishing his great-aunt would start going off on yet another vaccine tangent he could safely tune out rather than…well, everything that had been said so far.

Carol turned a bright smile on Sirius, like a bird of prey zeroing in on a rabbit. “So, Sirius, have you been seeing anyone lately?”

Remus choked on his pie—Sirius nearly coughed up a lung around the mouthful of water he had just tipped back. “Pardon?”

“Are you seeing anyone?” she repeated, innocent as could be.

Remus glanced to his mother, who mirrored his confusion and sense of impending doom. “Yes?” Sirius said after a moment, chancing a look at Remus. “I’m—Remus and I have been together for over a year.”

She waved a hand as if batting a fly with a playful scoff. “Oh, honey, you can drop all that here. Do you have a girlfriend yet?”

Remus stared at her, struck speechless. Of everything he had expected, that certainly wasn’t on the list. “Aunt Carol, we’re engaged.”

“I’m gay,” Sirius said at the same time.

That brought a chortle out of Uncle Chuck as he raised his wine glass again. “Come on, you two, let loose a little! There’s no reporters here! Just family and a nice meal where we can be free of all the theatrics and have a good time. You might have been able to fool the paps, but my wife and I saw right through the whole thing.”

Slow, terrible realization began to settle in Remus’ gut. Sirius blinked at the couple before turning to him with a lost expression. “It’s not an act,” Remus said as clearly as he could manage around the scream of frustration building in his lungs. “We’re really getting married next summer.”

Chuck frowned. “What about that nice girl, Lily Whatserface?”

“She’s my best friend’s wife,” Sirius said, one hand gripping the edge of his seat.

“Damn, I always thought you two would be cute together,” Chuck tsked, sipping his drink. “But really, Remus, you ought to settle down with someone soon and start having—”

“They are settling down, Chuck,” his father interrupted, colder than Remus had ever heard before; he tried not to let his surprise show. “Together. As a family.”

Carol sent his mother a wide-eyed look. “Does he speak to you like that?” she murmured out of the side of her mouth. Remus watched her lips press into a thin line before she silently shook her head, more out of disgust than anything else. He glanced at the clock—barely an hour had passed since their arrival. Usually they made it at least 90 minutes before he felt like throwing up.

“Now—” Chuck paused to clear his throat and take another drink before leaning toward Sirius, who visibly moved back. “What do your parents think about this whole thing, young man? Are they in on it, too?”

Fuck. Remus took a deep breath in and watched the side of Sirius’ jaw tick. “No,” he answered with a great deal more calm than the situation called for. “No, my parents unfortunately don’t approve of my upcoming marriage to your nephew. We’ve cut contact since I was outed.”

Genuine bewilderment crossed Chuck’s angular face. “You didn’t tell them your plan?”

Remus’ fork squeaked on his plate. “It’s not a plan, it’s a—”

“I never intended for them to find out,” Sirius snapped.

“But if you explained your strategy—”

“It’s not a strategy!” Everyone turned to look at Remus and he took a deep breath, setting his fork down with a shaking hand. “Uncle Chuck, Aunt Carol, I’m sorry to be the one to tell you this but the engagement isn’t fake, we’re actually gay, and if you have some pipe dream about me or my fiancé having a straight American life you can shove it up your ass.”

“Remus,” Carol gasped.

Chuck frowned. “Listen here, young man, I’ve been trying to have a conversation with Sirius—”

“You’ve been fucking rude—”

“—because his parents deserve to know the truth—”

“My parents don’t deserve shit—”

“They’re your parents!”

“They’re abusive and homophobic.”

“This whole thing has gone on far too—”

“Carol, if you say one more word—”

“That’s enough out of you, Hope, I’m trying to make sure your son doesn’t throw away his future—”

“It’s my future and my husband and you have no right to—"

“I don’t know where you two went wrong as parents but—”

-----------------

Eerie quiet filled the two-story house. Hope glared at the pineapple wallpaper Carol had happily informed her had come straight from their Florida condo as she scrubbed at the burnt remains of the forgotten sweet potatoes. She heard a hiss of pain down the hall and a low murmur—she wanted to be upset with Remus for overreacting, but slamming his glass down hard enough that it shattered was an entirely justifiable reaction after the shitshow that came from her uncle’s mouth.

Carol primly cleared her throat as she took a casserole dish from the drying rack and began dabbing it with an embroidered kitchen towel. “I hope Remus is alright,” she said after a few seconds of silence. Hope hummed in agreement. “You know how Chuck is, love. Sometimes he doesn’t know when to stop.”

Hope focused her attention on a stubborn grease stain, blood thundering in her ears. There had been many Black Friday dinners where she wanted to crawl into a hole or burn the house down, but none quite as explosively bad as that one. They hadn’t even made it through dessert.

“If Remus needed money, he could have just asked.”

Something distressed laced Carol’s voice; Hope finally looked up, baffled. “What?”

“This whole…” Carol trailed off with a sympathetic smile and a wave of her hand. “Thing could have been avoided if he just said he needed a hand. I know Chuck and I struggled with money at his age, but this whole fiasco is so much more complicated than it had to be. We would have happily helped him out instead of letting him make a fool of himself like this.”

For a moment, Hope wondered if her aunt was speaking a foreign language. “I’m sorry?”

Carol blinked at her. “I mean, being with Sirius Black must be a nice lifestyle, but was this whole thing worth it to keep living in some fancy city?”

-----------------------

There was a knock on the doorframe. Sirius glanced up from the framed photo of a younger Chuck and Carol and felt his mood dim, but moved aside all the same.

“Thank you, Sirius,” Chuck said, smiling regretfully as he settled down next to him on the couch with two bottles. “Want a beer?”

“I’m good.”

He set one aside and cracked the other open. “I’m sorry for raising my voice earlier.”

Sirius waited for him to continue; when it became clear he wouldn’t, he closed his eyes and stifled a sigh. “Thanks.”

“It’s just that the Lupins, they’re family, you know? Between you and me, I’ve never been a big fan of Lyall—” I think everyone on the Eastern seaboard knows that, actually, Sirius thought. “—but Hope’s my only niece, and Remus is…Remus, so I was just trying to look out for them. I want them to be happy, you know?”

A latent tongue of fury spiked up Sirius’ spine. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Well, I want Remus to live a good life, and I want Hope to have the joy of a few grandbabies running around—”

“What do you mean, Remus is Remus?” His pulse picked up as he looked to Chuck, who shifted uncomfortably. The mood in the room tilted on its axis; Sirius felt a familiar tang in the back of his throat, like he did before a fight on the ice.

Finally, Chuck pinched the bridge of his nose with a slow exhale. “He’s just sensitive, always has been. I could never figure him out. He was a sweet kid, clumsy, but he didn’t get into scraps with other boys or roughhouse with his cousins. Kid never took a hit in pickup games. And then this whole thing happened and I’m just worried he’ll pull you into it.”

Sirius’ jaw was starting to hurt from clenching it so tight. “Go on.”

Chuck reached out and put a friendly hand on his shoulder, giving him a light pat. “If he starts to get all clingy and needy, don’t feel bad about doing what’s best for you, Sirius. We’ll be there for him to make sure he can pick himself up and move forward.”

A lot of things ran through Sirius’ head in that moment. Curse words, mostly, mixed with questions and possibly a phone call to the higher power that forgot to put braincells in this man. None of those were what came out of his mouth. “Why is it so hard for you to believe I love him?”

Chuck’s eyebrows shot up in surprise, then settled into confusion. “Because you’re you, and he’s him.”

“D’accord, I want you to listen to me very carefully,” Sirius said, mustering all his therapy techniques for a calm mind. “I am gay. Remus is the love of my life and has been for over a year. We are getting married because we honestly love each other, and you are not invited. Do not ever—ever—insult my fiancé to my face again.”

Something shattered in the other room before Chuck had a chance to respond; they both stood as Hope stormed out of the kitchen, snatching her coat off the hook with so much anger flowing off her Sirius could practically feel it burning his skin. “What happened?” he asked, helping her gather their winter layers from the hall closet.

Carol hurried from the kitchen half a second later. “Hope—”

“No!” Hope snapped, whirling to face her. “Absolutely not! I have put up with your bigotry since I was six years old and I am done putting my family through it from some misplaced sense of duty! Carol, I have given you so many chances, but as of tonight you can rest assured I will never contact you or your husband ever again. Lyall?”

Lyall half-jogged down from the hall bathroom with Remus hot on his heels, bypassing Carol without so much as a glance her way. Sirius didn’t know what to do, so he wrapped his scarf around his neck and prayed for a quick exit.

“You ruined everything tonight,” Hope continued, her eyes shining with tears. Chuck and Carol stood side-by-side in utter shock as she smudged the first one off her cheek. “Everything. I thought that maybe you would put aside our differences to celebrate my son’s good news because for all your faults you’ve never been outwardly homophobic, but you have been nothing but disrespectful to him and his fiancé and my husband and me, and I am tired of it. I’m sorry you can’t look past your blinders and I’m sorry it had to end like this. We’re leaving. Goodbye.”

Sirius pulled the door open for her, then followed Remus out with a light touch to his lower back. It was a cold night. His bones were colder. The whiplash change between wanting to throttle Chuck and then watching as Hope flew off the handle left him floundering for some idea of what to feel. It was too much all at once.

Lyall was holding Hope on the front lawn as she sobbed into the front of his jacket. A warm hand, the one not covered in bandages, slipped into his own. “Dad?” Remus said quietly.

“Go on, bud.” Lyall tilted his head toward their car. “We’ll meet you at the house.”

“You’re sure?”

A single nod was all the answer they needed. Sirius gave his hand a squeeze and they walked to the car together; he didn’t even flinch at the cold interior as they shut the doors. Silence fell in a heavy blanket.

Remus leaned his forehead on the dashboard and let out a long breath. “I am so sorry.”

“Holy shit,” was all Sirius could think to say.

“This is all my fault.” Remus shook his head, shoulders slumping. “Jesus, this is all my fault, I’m so sorry. You didn’t deserve any of that.”

“It’s not your—”

“They’ve always been a nightmare,” he said miserably. “Every year. Mom doesn’t have anyone else and they don’t have anyone come over for Thanksgiving because they are such shitty people and I know I told you they’re awful but—but fuck, Sirius, the things they said to you.”

There had been a point, just before Remus’ glass broke and blood stained Carol’s lacey tablecloth, where all six of them were shouting at each other; nobody was saying anything, but that didn’t matter. Sirius’ blood had boiled as he watched the love of his life get berated by the people that were supposed to be family. He regretted not taking seriously the earlier warnings about Chuck and Carol’s less-than-stellar views and the sour grimace on Remus’ face when they drove up.

It wasn’t right. He was the one with the bad family, and Remus was never supposed to go through that horror show.

Remus straightened up in the passenger seat and turned with a guilty look. “I shouldn’t have brought you with me. We should have stayed home and had a nice time and I—I’m sorry. I don’t even know what to say to you right now. I’m sorry. I fucked up so bad and I hope you can forgive me for putting you in that situation.”

“You’re forgiven.” It was the easiest thing Sirius had ever said. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine.”

“I didn’t ask if you were fine, I asked if you were okay.”

Something in his face cracked; he reached out and Sirius pulled him in for a hug without hesitation, soothing the tremors under his palms with gentle circles. “I hate hearing people say bad things about you,” Remus said hoarsely, pressing a hard kiss to his cheek. “I love you too much for that. I had no idea how awful it would feel to hear it coming from my family.”

“I love you, too.”

Remus sat back again, cupping Sirius’ face in his palms until they made eye contact. “I love you,” he repeated, fierce and unyielding. “I love you and I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with you. Not for your money, not for your looks, not for attention. You. I would wait a hundred years if it meant I still got to love you, so don’t ever listen to anyone who tells you I wouldn’t.”

Sirius reached up and swiped away the tears on his cheeks with his thumbs, then drew him in for another hug and closed his eyes. The knot of hurt and indignance and shock was beginning to unravel. He loved his fiancé and he loved his in-laws and that was all that mattered, now.

“They’re not your family if you don’t want them to be,” he said. It had taken him a long time to learn that fact, and yet it remained the most important one in his life. “Don’t feel guilty for their choices, Re. I’m not angry with you. I’m just sorry you had to do that.”

Sirius could count on one hand the number of words they said to each other on the drive home; he didn’t let go of Remus’ hand the whole time. Hope and Lyall were still out when they arrived and Jules would be with a friend until the next morning, so they entered the house and shed their layers in relative quiet, then headed to the bathroom and stripped out of their nice clothes. The hot water blasted the last of the intense emotions from Sirius, leaving him tired and drained—he carefully redressed the cuts on Remus’ hand and sealed each Band-Aid with a kiss.

They didn’t bother with anything but pajama pants despite the snow outside, curling up as tight as they could under the thick comforter and soft flannel sheets. Wordlessly, Remus turned them so he could be the big spoon, and Sirius fell asleep to the steady beat of his heart on the back of his shoulder. The night was almost over. The morning would be kinder.

[crucible-memes-4-salem-teens]

fun times here in the brain h*ckhole

let's break this down baybeeeee (under the cut, because i pride myself on being polite)

so let's actually talk about the songs in question that made me go "omg elizabeth :("

1. highly emotional people - first "sad" song on the album.

it describes the fact that all people feel a range/spectrum of emotions, though it's not always shown. people tend to feel shame for being "overly emotional".

this particular song makes me think of elizabeth because though we don't see a lot of it outright, she suppresses her emotions for what she believes is the greater good, and instead of vocalizing the issues she goes through, she suffers in silence, resulting in her seeming to be 'cold'. ("your justice could freeze beer", anyone?)

though the song itself focuses (somewhat) on men specifically, due to the time period and society the play takes place in, it's not hard to apply the scenario to her as well.

☆☆☆

2. pandora's box - i didn't really explain the song or why it made me think of elizabeth, but it's what inspired this post in the first place, so i figured it obviously needed to be included. the song itself is fairly straightforward subject-wise: the speaker is emotionally damaged to the point of sustaining trauma ("you opened up pandora's box / you don't know what you just unlocked") by the downfall of this relationship as a result of unfaithfulness. pretty on-the-nose with this one.

however, the real thing i'm focused on here is the in-song description of the sense of doom that seemed to loom over this relationship from the beginning. while we don't know much of anything about the beginnings, obviously the proctors' relationship is strained. this is due to a number of factors, including but not limited to the affair and elizabeth's (kind of obvious, now that i think about it?) post-partum depression. because of the strain, elizabeth suffers greatly, even though she doesn't show it (see above) and it drags her deeper into her sadness.

granted, this does put a more pessimistic spin on the relationship but personally i am a pessimist, so it checks out. blessings.

☆☆☆

3. flowers - okay this one might be a bit of a stretch but here we go.

this song is most simply about the speaker feeling as though their partner did not put enough effort into their relationship ("if you just bought me flowers, maybe i would've stayed") and therefore subconsciously blaming them for the relationship's untimely end.

now, i don't entirely relate elizabeth to the speaker in this. quite the opposite actually. that being said, i don't think john fits the speaker's role either. still, someone HAS to fit that role, so let's say for the sake of discussion that elizabeth somewhat fits in both spots.

why? simple. consciously or not, she blames herself for the current state of affairs (no pun intended). she believes that if she'd done more, things wouldn't have turned out this way. if only she hadn't been sick, if only she'd been kinder or more open, etc. she regrets her part in what happened, even though there wasn't much she could do.

(of course the partner in the song is implied to have had the ability to do more, but we'll ignore that for now). her belief in her own inadequacy is what makes me think this song fits.

☆☆☆

4. goodbye - final song in this post and on the album. this song is (possibly) also a bit of a stretch.

the song is quite literally a "goodbye note" to the person the speaker had been prior to experiencing the life they had.

this is sort of how i picture her acceptance of everything that has happened to her and to her community: she isn't "young" anymore, she knows all about the trouble life offers, and accepts her fate for what it is. she believes that she is partially at fault for what occurred, and may or may not be right. ("i fucked it up, i lost it all / and my life may not be what i thought")

but really the biggest part of this, the main thing i want to focus on in this section, is the fact that she has carried several people's burdens without acknowledging her own, trying to be a problem solver and ignoring her own needs in exchange for others'. ("i've been a mother to everyone else / to every motherfucker except myself"). only difference here is that she does have children, unlike the rest of the lyric states.

elizabeth has (probably) gone through all five stages of grief and has ended up where she is at acceptance. the end was inevitable, and while it brings her pain, there isn't regret on the whole of it. maybe some in her part, but not in totality.

plus, it makes sense. any semblance of connection to her former self is most likely gone. ("goodbye to the girl that i'd been")

---

okay that's it! it's not as many songs as i thought, but i still think that's a decent number. hopefully my explanation makes sense. feel free to shoot questions my way, and thank you for letting me overthink with song lyrics here <3. i'll try to get back to normal posting as soon as possible.

[dungeonaspects]

Campaign Idea: The Invasion

G̸̝̹̹͇̐͑́͠͝r̵̡̲͖̘̘̳̫͊̃͌͆̓͊̈́̔ŏ̶͈͎̥͓̟̜͇̩̒̄͂̓̈͝w̴̧̛̬̞̪͈͎̽̅̓̊͌ẗ̴̼̞͚̤̝͕́̓̒̂h̷͍͌́̈́̐͋́̏̿̓̀,̷̡̪̦̇̊̓̕͝ ̴̡͓̬͈̞̝̮͘ę̴̠͓̙̲̭͉͓̰͍͋́͂͘͝͠x̵̡̠̱̜͍̲̆̔ͅp̵̝̩̦̗͚̰͋͋̍́̒ā̶̭̜̻͍̞̟̓̈͝n̴͖̩͖̗̺̼̞̬͒̆̉́̑̀͑̀̾̚d̶̨̲̖̞̦̒̓̈̒̈́̀̚,̸̧̍ ̸̢̢̬̬̤̂͛͗̄̃̈́̽́̇̂c̷̠̺̻̔͗ȍ̴̼̮͕̗͈̣̊̌ͅņ̶̝̬̒͛̃̒͛͘͘q̵̢̛̂̋͌͐̋͐͌͋̚u̸̧̨͉͇̯͛̈̔̈́̚͜è̸͓͇̩̻͓̗̌ͅŗ̵̡̱̟͙͓͙̤̠͋̀͐́̌,̷̬̔͒̽̀͝ ̷̡͔͔͈̊̐͒̌͗̉͋̅͘͜͜r̶̻͖̺̤̝͊̄̍͝͝ͅe̷̪͎̎͒͋b̵̨̮̤͔̹̼͖̼̤̹͊̍͆̈́̎̒͗̈́̓̚u̷̞͆͐i̶̢̹͔̟̹͖̲̤̾̉͗͊̂̔̽̈́̕l̶̗͚̣̈̃͐̂̍̎̃͝ḍ̶́̈́̒͠.̸̨̧̡͙͇͓̩̫̜͓͊̀̈́͆̊̽

The History

When the next kingdom over fell to an enormous explosion it shook the world, the earthquakes, the forest fires, the stampeding monsters. Everyone was prepared for the worst, yet the world didn't end, just another small bump in the road.

The story goes that the archmage had been playing with magics too strong for them, harnessing some old relic or some such until it failed, killing everything within the capital and most of the nearby towns. Those who didn't die immediately apparently died of some disease that was so horrific the surrounding kingdoms killed any who tried to cross the borders. Ultimately there were no survivors.

It's been a whole century since the incident, yet none are permitted to cross the border, only the occasional groups of clerics, guards, and wizards may cross. Every time they go out few of them return, the dead having been afflicted by the disease that still ravages the land, no one is safe and any that return must go through extensive testing before being released.

But it does make you wonder, those that come back almost always become withdrawn, once promising clerics sinking into depression, mighty wizards refusing to do more than wallow in tomes. Many see it as a warning, even the empires best are tested to breaking point by what is over the border, so you must stay away.

The problem lies with rumours of distant villages along the border going silent, relatives not returning letters, travellers being told to turn back on the road by rough soldiers. Has the disease spread over the border? There are many attempting to move towards the capital yet the guards have become selective in who enters, tensions are high and the soldiers are getting aggressive when questioned.

The Hook

As you can likely guess from the image this is not a disease, or at least not one we would recognise. The archmage was messing around with something connected to the far realms, somewhere so far removed from the natural order of our universe it is maddening to witness.

What the thing was is up to you, but the result was horrific, the explosion was the fabric of reality being torn apart generating so much heat it was like a nuclear bomb. Then the portal stabilised they started coming through, the aberrations, the unknowable creatures so alien they warp reality around them.

Most of the creatures have travelled far from the now reduced portal, hidden in the deep cervices of the world. However there are some that remain, and they are who brutalise any who cross the border. Their nests and dens used to simply encompass the capital, but over the last century they have expanded their empire, converting the once fertile land into a hellscape of aberrant logic.

Any that enter the land must navigate wandering monstrosities, hive creatures, twisted flora and fauna, along with magical dead zones and wild magic storms. Should anyone find themselves there without some kind of protection or decent constitution they will likely find themselves warped by these outsider forces.

The expansion of these eldritch lands are an impending doom that surrounding kingdoms can just about hold back, without information they won't commit to an assault, and without an assault it won't be contained. So the kingdoms, empires, and duchies simply wait for the other to make a first move, letting the enemy swell. The best they can do is keep the secrets under wraps with magical contracts and threats of execution.

Will your party be able to push the creatures back? Or will they simply buy a century of time before the imminent demise of the sentient races?

Some Ideas

For this you have A LOT of possibilities, and it is down to you and your players in how this plays out. I can see it being deeply diplomatic, expeditions to gain intel before returning and giving detailed reports on how best to navigate the land as well as enemy numbers. Follow this up with ambassador missions to neighbouring countries requesting aid with a concerted effort, a final stand.

Or you can do a suicide squad, each member is a criminal (may be innocent and have been framed/blamed) who will be spending decades in prison who were offered a reduced sentence if they did one job. This could quickly deteriorate though since they'll obviously want out after facing their first eldritch monstrosity.

Then there's those who have been asked by outside forces to push the abominations back, secret societies who know the truth, gods who REALLY don't want to lose the material plane and their worshippers/source of power, even simply someone who has managed to escape a village/the old kingdom and knows the truth of the inevitable doom.

You can make this as simple or complex, easy or hard as you like. This can be a hardcore survival, limited food supplies, hundreds of miles to travel in hostile territory. The land can warp the characters, changing abilities, mutating flesh, even spells going haywire as they interact with the foreign magics.

If you have Grim Hollow the aberrant transformations will certainly allow you to build a character in a unique and horrific way, all of you becoming better suited to fight the scourge while also becoming it.

Ultimately this is all up to you, but damn you got a lot of options, talk to your players, if they're cool with body horror you can do some crazy things with the old residents. Just remember that not all of them will be mindless beasts, some can communicate, they're just so different it will be hard to communicate clear ideas.

Art by Beeple

Oh god those things are exquisitely horrific, they exemplify what I've always thought of with aberration type monsters, they're not inherently evil, just so different that they're as confused by us as we are by them. The sky, the flora, the creatures, make this alien world look so alive but so different from what we want. Brilliant, thank you.

[lucidpantone]

I really hate the crew of wtfock for what they did to me. I was such a fan of the show since s1, I found happiness in every clips, every posts on insta, I found amazing people on tumblr, twitter, but everything went downhill in s4, I could not accept Kato as a main, I'm a proud black girl and this season broke my heart to the max. The inexcusable racism, the hidden hate towards POCs on social medias, the silencing voices... I even started to dislike some actors for being friends with Romi when she was the one who accepted to take away the role of a POC, to accept to play a racist girl and have discriminatory behaviour in 2020 of all that, and to even joke on her insta just because her friend said it was ok and she didn't even apologise when we called her out for it. Yeah they ruined my happiness and I can't even be happy when I see a wtfock post now. To even have Nora do a live and defend the season, saying that it's a prejudice based one ? Hurts me so much. And not even one excuses coming from the crew, nothing, it hurts deeply. I can't even enjoy anymore the beautiful fanfics that the fandom write. I read every zoenne and sobbe fics but now I don't even bother checking if there is new fic. I hate them for taking my happiness off me. They're starting to go downhill too with the lack of insta posts from their characters and only die hard fans of sobbe are here now let's be honest. Yasmina's season can't be saved if there is still Kato but a glimpse of sobbe will make the fandom shut up and they know it. It's sad and I'm so upset about it. Sorry for the rant but I so badly wanted to talk.

This is insanely long but these words are for my anon

Oh dear.....well am happy you told me and the looney tunes. I can’t say I blame you because s4 is so toxic and cruel on so many levels. You know some people will say its just a show “let it go” but I think what people don’t realize is what this show that you clearly loved tells you about the world at large. That even shows, brands, movements and celebrities can harbor questionable morality towards issues of race. S4 ended up being an exercise in showing [us/the audience] how morally corrupt the bosses of wtfock truly are and how at end of the day all those black boxes on instagram mean nothing when it comes to money. Because guess what? Platforming racist ideology does have a price and wtfock made it very clear that they got paid. Look am gonna tell you something that my anons have been saying in a coded way but havent said directly but lets just put it all on the table. 

S4 when Romi took the role it was not pitched as a season exploring interracial relationships or white privilege. It was never meant to be that. So Romi had no way in knowing what it would turn into. After the premiere night production panicked because they saw everyones disappointment towards the main(it should have been Moyo & everyone knows it even they do now) and took a hard left. Noa was meant to be Romi’s co-star but it was never meant to have all these racial undertones or not as extreme. The reason the script changed is because wtfock wanted to keep this whole “small engine that could” rapport going that they literally made the last minute call to try to tackle race relations. I mean to you and I we are probably like are these people for real? They are just gonna try to tackle race and white privilege as a story arc without having done the sufficient research and or had the man power in the writing room concerning writers with lived experienced on the topic. Yea, they did that. So anyways they “just decided” on a whim to tackle race *facepalm*. Now that decision in itself is an embodiment of white privilege. A bunch of white dudes wanted woke points and thought “race” yea we can totally do that topic unprepared. Hence why episode 2/3 were so damn repetitive and also literally made no sense. Am sure they pitched this to Romi as some super intellectual and thoughtful narrative that would hold deeper meaning. So I am not defending her instagram actions but I want to give her situation a bit of context. Also am pretty sure she tried to tell us in a round about way. Her insta post was just a display in lacking any awareness towards the importance and pain of BLM because she obviously just lacks race education or common sense but she is a 22 year old brand model so am not really looking for her to set an example. To me wtfock became in some weird way so high on fandom validation that they were egotistical enough to think they could try to tackle this insanely complex topic on a whim and with a 1st time screenwriter at that. S4 was doomed to fail from the start because it was a literal embodiment of unconscious bias that then turned into conscious bias because at one point they knew it was terrible while filming but they were too deep in to pull the plug. You are so in your right to be upset at them because to me the most hurtful thing is that THEY KNOW IT WAS BAD and they won’t address it and now they are going to use their token queer couple to try and fix this. Leave the gays out of it. You can’t fix racism with queerness it doesn’t work that way buddy(am looking at you Rutgers) especially for those who are part of both parties. Do I think a large part of the fan base will “forgive” wtfock for what they did? Probably, but its weird since technically wtfock should be asking their fans who are poc for forgiveness above anyone else. I guess I am not as pissy about the whole situation because am either cynical or emotionally numb to this type of fuckery. I would say concerning the cast and the crew it really isnt their fault. I hear from good sources a lot of them tried to say something and they were shut down. Look if you cant let this go then try to find some semblance of resolve over this. You’re allowed to be mad but at the same time this is the world we live in and this will happen to you again and again (trust me I speak from experience). I do hope you can try to find some comfort in Zoenne and Sobbe and try not to see the cronies of wtfock in their love stories but if you can’t then pack all their shit up and throw it in the attic. Maybe one day you can reopen that box. Last words of advice, happiness is a moving target because in reality it’s a compilation of moments that continuously mutate to accommodate other moments. So don't let s4 taint what moments you had with wtfock and try to remember the things you loved and if you need to walk then walk away. I wish I could give you the biggest hug right now but trust me when I say what you feel is so valid and am so happy you spoke to me about it.

[sinnabonka]

Hey Hun! Lots of love to you. For starters I wanted to say that there should be no cell in your body blaming yself in any way. You and your blog were hope for so many people. You were the "you are not crazy" of the final weeks, and I'm forever grateful to you. Instead of dying of anxiety I managed to have a blast in this time of waiting, thanks to you. I passed my master thesis, because you gave me strength to see past the fear. I laughed in those weeks more than in last 5 years, and all of it because of the hope you gave me.

The rest of the msg is going to be pretty emotional rant about the awfulness of it all, and I know my opinion doesn't matter to anyone but I wanted someone important to me to hear my thoughts, if that's ok. It's also ok if you don't want to read it ofc. It's like my breakup letter to the show.

I hear many people cheering for the finale and i find it really hard to deal with. I always considered myself an open person who fights for healthy love as the only redeeming quality of the universe. I could see people's point of view, even if it didn't sit well with mine, and I would always try to hear them out respectfully until they weren't being respectful themselves. That said, I'm fully unable to understand cheering for this type of spiteful content and hearing those cheers makes me feel like the entire world is listening to "this is how you treat your fans, this is how to abuse your power over naive sheep, this is how to keep dumb, hopeful minorities in check" and taking notes.

It also upsets me that the people who gave this show all of themselves and tried to understand it to the core are given no resolution, are spitted on and buried under the rug for doing their best to appreciate the art and the story it was telling. Yet people, who just hang around and watch the show doing the dishes, with no consideration to it's story or characters, got as nonsensical ending as their whole idea of character development in SPN.

I know people say that it was good enough, because it leaves space for guessing and own interpretation, but I feel it's really undermining the extend to which the finale was awful and hurtful to the fans. There is no end that realistically could stop fanfic writers from finding way around it in the world of Supernatural, so saying it was thoughtful of them Is like excusing abusive partner because "they could hit me harder, but they didn't. That means they care"

Lose ends, characters being written in a way that is totally not true to them and their development (personally my biggest allegation), dismissing years of story development, proving that it was all 'queerbaiting' in big part in the end (hell, even the whole "Cas is in heaven so do with it what you will" is a shameful way of appalling to LGBTQ community after using them so hard.

In the pie scene, the roles should be swapped, it's Dean who should say that Cas is on his mind and Sam explaining him that it's only right to keep on living doing good in their name. That's what Dean told Sam at the beginning of the season, when Sam lost Rowena, so it would be at least a bit poetic. This would at least give us some truth from Dean for once, but he died how he lived, in shadow of his fear to be true towards his feelings and needs. And as he died, he bound his little brother to the hunting till the end of his days, by guilting him into it on his deathbed. Guess Dean took after his father.

Have you realised what that emotional "love speech" from Dean to Sam resulted in? It was writers taking back Cas' confession after they didn't need our viewership anymore.

They basically gave us love confession to get us to follow the finale and when they didn't need us anymore, not only they didn't commit to the confession, but they undermined it by having Dean's speech to Sam go the way it did with obviously higher emotional charge, successfully taking back the value of Cas' confession and making it about a bait for "Tumblr idiots"

Finale killed my feelings towards Destiel, not because it wasn't confirmed canon, but because from what I see in the episode, they canonically confirmed that

- for Dean, Cas was only means to an end, which is such an awful way of ending Cas' character arc. They gave him everything he was scared of and nothing close to consolation price and they dare to tell us he had a happy ending, "because they said so". Well, I didn't see him being happy, and knowing what i textually know i can empathise enough to say that he faced a miserable finish. Even Chuck got an end that was better than Cas' fate.

- Dean, given power to do anything he could dream of, chooses to not even greet Cas, after Cas gave his whole life to Dean, told him he loved him and died for him. I know some people consider the little smirk of Dean confirmation of his feelings, but let's be real for just a second. If someone you deeply loved for years confessed to you, told you they thought you don't love them back, you would be freaking running to see them and tell them how much you love them. That smirk to me reads as "I'm relieved to know you're not going to spend eternity in mega hell that i left you in" and we really need to stop giving credit to writers for scraps like this when it's the last episode ever and we know this isn't going anywhere.

Not to mention that by having Jack bring Cas back behind the scenes it just highlights the fact that Dean didn't ask him to do that in episode 19.

As result, I'm unable to look at any Destiel scene and not think "in here Cas already loved him and in here Dean already abuses the power he had over Cas, because of his one-sided love"

And yet, the episode and endgames for everyone (maybe not Sam, but he was seriously pinning for Dean his entire life. Wincest much?) managed to be so bad, that not even bringing Cas back or following up on Destiel would make a difference in my eyes. I know you believe that Destiel would save it, but for me as much as it would be a redeeming quality, it wouldn't be enough to save this awfulness that writer doomed characters with.

And all the Wincest scenes in the finale... I low key expected them to make out and it made me feel physically sick. Also, cutting Misha out because of coronavirus is a cheap excuse. We all know better than to believe that, so let's not fall for the self pity play from the abuser.

If you managed to stay with me till this point, thank you so much for hearing me out. I hope i didn't anger you with my monologue. I will always think of the lamp when i think of you. The reality is that you were the lamp for so many of us in this darkness.

Love you so much, wish all the best to you, take care of yourself and stay safe!

Oh my god, if I didn’t cry with the final, I definitely am crying now. And now I have to explain my partner why I’m staring at my laptop and sobbing ugly. What have you done? 

First of all, I hear you pain, my friend! I share it! I didn’t spend a second after the final without the feeling of my heart being shuttered into million pieces, being stitched back just to break again, and so on and so on. 

I had my first panic attack in two years yesterday, when I kept thinking about the message the show sent to the fandom via Dean’s fate. I have a few posts in my draft on the matter, but I am not sure I will ever share them, because it is one strong depresso, and I don’t think people following me should see how fucked up it really is (if they didn’t get it by themselves, of course). 

I want to remind you, my gentle soul, that the story belongs to us. We know Dean, we know Cas, we know Sam and others. We know that the final is not who they are! I know it’s hard to ignore the text, the canon, because it’s kinda godsent, but the truth is essential. And the final is not the truth.

The truth: 

Cas loves Dean, he sacrificed himself for him, he saved his life on multiple occasions, he told all those beautiful things and he meant every word.

Dean loves Cas, he was on his lowest every time he lost him, Cas was his “big win”, his best friend, his brother, his white light that lead him out of his anger, hatred and despair. He took a dog and called it Miracle, he was looking for a job to retire from hunting, he didn’t kill Chuck - all of that, because the sacrifice Cas made was not in vain! The message was clear. 

I choose to ignore the “Carry on”, the only attention it is going to get is me creating 20 more mails just to put a one star review there and to drop some more salty or bitter comments with it. Maybe I will read through some reviews, too, add them to my collection. 

Maybe I will one day write here an article from scriptwriting perspective how fucked up in was, because that’s what I can do about it, without throwing up. 

If you can’t ignore it, I understand it. It is painful, it is disrespectful, I hate it as much as you do, probably. 

If there’s anything I can do for you to feel better, just drop me a message, we can talk about it. I am on the lowest, too, but maybe we can help each other.

You say I was your lamp. Let me lead you our of the darkness one more time <3 

CW can suck my metaphorical dick (I’m tagging every angry post with it), but Supernatural is not just the show on CW, it’s a big family. 

And you can’t give up on it! You can’t give up on Dean and Cas, you can’t give up on Destiel! It’s so much bigger then the show itself.

Rediscover the show for yourself, remind yourself that Dean and Cas are real, it was never one sided, it was always something amazing. 

What is real? We are.

Don’t you ever change.

I rather have you, cursed or not.

It’s love, hun, and love always wins. 

[punkscowardschampions]

Lux & Dash

Lux: Hey 😊 Lux: wanna hang out today? Dash: Bummer! There's no way Dash: I promised Sapphire we'd hang Lux: Can't I come with? What are you doing? Dash: she wouldn't be down Dash: you get the picture, yeah? Lux: I don't think I know Sapphire...? Dash: she has a groovy Cleopatra vibe Lux: 🐍🐍🐍 love that Lux: you gonna be Marc or Julius? Dash: Who did she dig more? Lux: You're more of the Antony type Lux: they had their own drinking club called inimitable livers Lux: and they played pranks on people in disguise Dash: Right on! Lux: I hope your love affair doesn't end in such dire circumstances Dash: it'll be outta sight, don't sweat it Dash: she's made loads of her own promises back Lux: She's not the sister of anyone is she? Dash: Onyx but he's cool Lux: Hmm, actually, my point is moot regardless, if she's Cleopatra, it's Octavia's brother you need to worry about Lux: Cleo could 💀 her own Lux: never mind then, you should be fine 😁 Dash: you know how to lay a real trip, huh? Dash: I almost forgot Lux: forgot about Marcus Antonius?! Lux: don't wanna be doomed to repeat it, Dashiel, think on Dash: no doom in my 🔮 babe Lux: 🌈✨ good times Dash: that's more the shit to 🗨 into being Lux: I don't think you can blame the eventual fall of Rome on me being in your inbox when you'd rather I weren't 😄 Dash: No blame, I just gotta do my own thing Lux: do you think any of us can ever be unique Dash: Beats me, that's heavy 💭 Lux: I thought that's what you were getting at Lux: Bummer Lux: I'll ask around Dash: I'm not trying to get into anything with you Dash: later, maybe Lux: You aren't going to have an answer for me later Lux: Don't sweat it, Dash Dash: if you wanna go ahead & cut me some slack I'll have magic for you Dash: just not now Lux: It doesn't matter Lux: I want conversation and someone to hang with, you want neither, that's chill Dash: what you want isn't a bad scene but it's not mine Dash: I can turn you onto someone whose it is, you'll have a blast Lux: that's okay ✌ Lux: I'll make my own friends, continue to Dash: Cool Lux: godspeed 🚀 I will let you know my findings 🗳📋 Dash: you know where to find me to lay whatever you want on me Dash: 🍎🍏🌳 Lux: what do you like most about 🍎🍏🌳 there Dash: 👀 Lux: good answer Lux: the ☀ looks best through 🍃🌳🍂 Dash: & the sky looks 🍒 from that high Lux: 🍒🥧 sounds good Dash: I'm hip to that Lux: does that mean you're going to make one? Lux: I'll get the 🍨 a la mode or nothing baby Dash: you're the girl, why aren't you making it? Lux: ha, I wasn't raised one though, so that kind of nonsense does not work on me 😅 Lux: I like brown sugar and cinnamon on the top please Dash: I'll find a 🐤 who's not wise to it & pass that on Dash: but they won't be fitting an apron how you would ✨ Lux: I don't want deception pie Lux: it will taste all the bitter for it 😖😖😖 yuck yuck yuck Dash: I'll pick the 🍏🍎🍐🍊🍋🍌🍉🍇🍓🍈🍒🍑 for it Dash: keep it sweet & honest Lux: make me a basket Lux: that way you get to be sweet and I don't have to participate in any misogyny for baked goods Dash: What's with the goddess demands when you know I've got demands on my time? Lux: you're so busy, right? Dash: 🚀🪐💫 Dash: I can't be weaving you a basket like it's no biggie Lux: well that is not what I meant 😏 Lux: but if you can't handle it then I'm sure I'll manage just fine Dash: weave a 🐤 a basket and she's 💖 for a day, teach her to basket weave... Lux: how very like a man to claim mastery over a skill women for centuries just did because they had to Lux: you had your chance to be 👏 over your pastry making expertise but you declined Dash: how righteous of you to keep the faith on that belief but yo, can you do it? I can Dash: declining everything I can teach you is a bad trip to be on Dash: you said you weren't down to feast on bitter fruit, that's gotta include sour 🍇 baby Lux: It's a very wholesome past life you've painted for me if I somehow acquired that skill Lux: certainly a prettier picture than the truth alas Lux: I haven't declined any invitation Lux: that's you Dash: I haven't either Dash: There's a time & a place for us to reconnect Dash: after Sapphire's Dash: & Lotus' Lux: your schedule isn't going to dictate mine Lux: we'll see when that time is Lux: 🌍🌌💫 willing Dash: come & 👀 me then Dash: it'll be unreal again Lux: you want me to watch you from the nearest 🍎🍏🌳? Dash: or 🌌 til the 7th day of the 7th month if you still vibe with that story Lux: That's an interesting way to inquire about my faith Lux: you'd make an excellent youth pastor Lux: 🤭 Dash: you've heard me play 🎸 Lux: and your cool lingo Lux: yep, it is indeed your calling Lux: we'll start your bible study as soon as the 🌍 is ready Dash: sounds like a drag Dash: how are we gonna make it fun? Lux: 🍪🍪🥛 and fellow youths, duh Dash: if you're gonna teach me it needs to be visual Dash: that's my way Lux: really? Lux: well, I'm going to need all my creativity and crafting skills to recreate Noah's Ark Dash: Moses'll be easy, I'll weave a basket for real Dash: he's the one, yeah? 👶 Lux: that's him Lux: have a whole cast of 👶 to choose from Dash: & animals Lux: I'll just try to avoid being like Sarah and 👊 all the mothers in envy Lux: not a good look Dash: I can get you a baby 🐈 if it'll keep the peace Lux: 😄 it'd be a whole other story if that's what Abraham had done Dash: he coulda taken 5 & let me 🛹⚡️ to my nan's place Lux: a man who marries his sister and needs to populate the 🌍 ain't got no time to chill, Dashiel Dash: the more you tell me, the more he fits into my family 🌳 Lux: 🤨 🧐 Lux: you're holy too? Dash: last time we got together you seemed to 💭👀🗨 so Lux: false prophets hold a certain amount of appeal, of course Dash: what was false? Lux: well, it's not for me to say you weren't speaking the word of God, I suppose Lux: but it's also a big no-no to worship false idols, it's in the big 10, so Lux: very tricky, actually Dash: Do you want me to try & make amends or what's left of the other 9? Lux: How many of do you think you've broken today? Dash: tell me what they are Lux Thou shalt have no other gods before me Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain Remember the sabbath day, to keep it holy Honour thy father and thy mother Thou shalt not murder Thou shalt not commit adultery Thou shalt not steal Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour Thou shalt not covet Lux: score out of 10 please Dash: what's a graven image? Lux: that's the idol part Dash: right on, I don't have time to like carve a statue of you & worship it but the intent is there Dash: no adultery or murder either, but the rest Lux: well Lux: consider me appalled not shocked 😳 Dash: what's your score? Lux: 3, I think Dash: you covet the fruit for a pie & Lux: Yes 😘 Lux: and I am not honouring my father or mother and I've put myself before god so Lux: I think those are the only ones, though arguably referring to myself like that is taking it in vain but I wasn't the first one to say it Dash: that's the shit you should ask around about 🗳📋 /10 Lux: maybe I'll do weekly questionnaires Lux: no one else is as mad as you were to be compared to Mark Antony but A LOT of people think we're all ❄️ Dash: beauty enough for ❄ & false idols Lux: Sculpture isn't my forte but I'll do my best Lux: you'll have to stand still long enough for me to 👀 Dash: I don't think I can Dash: we're poetry in motion, I know you felt it Lux: I'm not in the business of denying what I feel Dash: you haven't grown a totally different head since I last 👀 you Lux: now that WOULD be impressive Lux: stuck with this one only Dash: stuck makes it sound like that's a bummer Dash: looking how you do could NEVER be a drag Lux: you've not lost your charm either Dash: every compliment I've given you before, I would give you today Lux: damn timing Dash: Meet me under the 🌙? Lux: I shan't turn into a 🎃 Dash: I won't turn into a 🐀 Lux: then I don't see why not Dash: Then I'll be waiting for you Lux: Patiently? Dash: you already know that's not one of my virtues Lux: 😇 takes a lot of hard work Dash: you're the 👼 Lux: I do like hearing it Dash: I'll write you another song Lux: you keep writing songs for everyone, no wonder you've got no time Dash: school's that much of a hassle, it's that or crash 💤 Lux: what don't you like about it? Dash: I don't like anything about it Dash: nothing radical ever happens Dash: & there's way more commandments than 10 Dash: I could be spending my time here on the farm, helping things run smooth Lux: Hmm Lux: Interesting Dash: I read, I know shit Dash: I can write and do maths Dash: understand people Lux: and you feel like that's all school has to offer you? Dash: I don't see why I have to do x or y number of years more in an institution Dash: there's nothing I can get there that I can't get in the 🌍 Lux: I'll add it to my survey ideas Dash: 🤯💭 Lux: 🐝🧠 or 🎨🧠 Lux: only time will tell Dash: I'm hip to it being about getting out of just being around the same 🐈 & 🐤 Dash: meeting people with different vibes who you probably won't dig Dash: but I've got my bro for that Lux: the footballer Lux: I remember Dash: my dad & his piece too, they're drags in the same way Lux: what do you bond with your dad over? Dash: I don't Lux: is it like school and you're not bothered though Lux: or is it a shame Dash: Do I 🌠 he 👀 me? Used to Dash: not a rush I need to chase now Lux: I get it Dash: He's got the ⚽🏆 son he wants & I've got a family here Lux: it's not a good enough replacement though, is it Lux: no matter how nice people are here, or wherever I end up next and after that Lux: I'm never going to hear the people I grew up with, who loved and raised me, call me by the right name Lux: or daughter, or sister Dash: You're not gonna stay? Lux: this place was made for moving out, right? Lux: it's transient Dash: they can love you, raise you, you don't have to split Lux: I've been raised but Lux: I get what you're saying Lux: when I put roots down again Lux: it needs to be for keeps Dash: this can be for keeps Dash: it is for me Lux: we had some travellers at my daddy's church for a while Lux: 'til they got moved on Lux: places like this Lux: it's never forever Dash: What's forever? Not my parents marriage or my dad's football career Dash: if we have to go we go together, all of us Dash: new buildings maybe but the same family Lux: I'm glad that you have that Dash: you can Dash: you're welcome & wanted Dash: nobody here is related to me by blood but we're still connected Lux: I know, everyone has been very welcoming Lux: on the whole Dash: you can get comfortable, this place has been here years Lux: alright Lux: anyway, didn't Cleopatra show yet? Dash: She'll be waiting for a mirror Lux: huh? Dash: she's not cool with coming to me before checking what she looks like Dash: as if I've never 👀 her Lux: doesn't it feel Lux: Abraham and Sarah vibes Dash: what do you mean? Lux: incestuous Lux: because you say they're your family Lux: but you sleep with them Dash: she won't stay Dash: a tourist Lux: and you only sleep with the ones that won't stay Dash: they sleep with me, it's part of the tour Dash: you remember Lux: Cool speech there then Dash: I don't always get it right, like Dash: I thought that was your vibe, it's not Lux: no, you were exactly right Dash: Lux, come on Lux: it's family to you Lux: you don't care about the endless stream of fucked up girls who can cross here off their nowhere left to go list Lux: what they might be searching for Lux: never mind you actually have a home, somewhere you could be Lux: I was beyond wrong about you Dash: Don't fucking frame it like that Lux: 'cos you did a brilliant job with your narrative Lux: part of the tour, give me a fucking break Lux: you know, you aren't superior because you choose to be here, it's the opposite Lux: what kind of person lords that over people who have no choice, nowhere else they can be Lux: what the fuck Dash: that's not what I'm doing, chill out Lux: just don't Lux: you have no justification, you have no reason Lux: and clearly whatever you are doing here is going unchecked so whatever Lux: I'll be gone soon, but just know, I fucking see you Dash: I told you before we started, you set the pace, everything we did we both wanted to do Dash: nothing I do needs to be checked Lux: so you're that guy Lux: it isn't only bad if it's some serial killer down an alley and the girl is screaming and crying no Dash: You're making this way heavier than it is Lux: You don't get to tell me what I'm making it Dash: I don't get why you're twisting everything Lux: I haven't twisted anything Dash: we had fun, you said you liked me Lux: this isn't a straight issue of consent Lux: it's the fact that I know you knew I was vulnerable, I told you things, why I was here Lux: and you think it's acceptable to fuck people who are in that position, and you can't deny it because you literally did it to me, because, you know, they won't be here long Lux: and to have the nerve to advertise this place, these people, yourself, as a fucking safe space Lux: family Lux: that is insanely fucked up, I don't know how no one has ever told you that Dash: you can back off this witch hunt, yeah? Dash: you're not the same as Sapphire or Amber or Lotus or whoever Dash: they don't tell me things, it's not the fucking same Lux: Well I'm definitely sorry I did Dash: that's all been shallow, this got deep, you know Lux: I don't think I know anything about you Lux: not really Dash: You're just flipping out, I flipped you out Dash: but I didn't mean to & you don't mean that Lux: I just need to not be here right now Dash: Lux Lux: It's fine Lux: I mean, it's not Lux: but I'm leaving the main house to go for a walk, so just don't let me see you, okay Dash: You're not gonna tell anyone, are you? Lux: excuse me? Dash: all that shit you said about how it's not a safe space Lux: who the hell do I have to tell? Lux: and that's the worst part Dash: There's loads of people you could, but it's not true Lux: for a second there, you almost sounded like you gave a shit Lux: places like this will always exist, I'm not under any illusion I can stamp them all out Dash: I do! Dash: maybe I fucked up but that's not the farm's fault Lux: I'm not going to the cops, I have nothing to tell Dash: my head didn't go there, there's loads of good people here, doing beautiful things Dash: if I'm not one of them, that'll be my karma Dash: you don't have to leave Lux: I'm not Lux: that's your karma Lux: someone needs to stick around so there's some sense of consequence for your actions Dash: you don't have to go full avenging 👼 on me Dash: I won't be going heavy on you Lux: It's not a joke, Dash Dash: I'm not 🤡ing Dash: nothing uncool needs to happen between us, I'll give you space or whatever Lux: You're afraid Lux: aren't you Lux: that if I tell what you're like, girls like Cleopatra won't go near you anymore Lux: Jesus Christ Dash: I don't need to be afraid of that, I told you, we're all having fun Dash: there's no big soap opera vibe Lux: Fuck off now Dash: Ask Amber, she was mad at me before you but not like that, you've got this wrong Lux: I haven't got anything wrong Lux: this is what you did, to me, that's the end of Lux: you can tell yourself what you like about the rest, that's no concern of mine Dash: Nah, we talked about it, how I've done shit before that's 💔 & you said you didn't care Dash: that I couldn't hurt you Dash: & that you could tell I wasn't a bad person Dash: Why are you just taking it all back like none of that fucking happened? Lux: Why did you prove me wrong in such spectacular fashion? Lux: there's a reason you prefer keeping things shallow, and this is it Lux: if the answer isn't a yes or it's cool, you don't want to know, you don't want to be checked Dash: The reason I keep things shallow is they're on a fly by, they don't want to stay & I don't wanna be connected to someone else that'll split on me Lux: you aren't the gatekeeper of this place Lux: and nothing's forever, by your own admission Dash: I am of myself & I do my own fucking checks, yeah? Maybe you don't have a heart left to break by your own admission but I'm protecting the one you don't believe I've got, like Lux: There's no world in which I'm feeling sorry for you right now, okay Lux: you do not vet every girl you fuck for her tragic backstory, cut the crap Dash: Gimme a break, I said talking isn't usually part of it, going both ways, wouldn't be very chill or shallow if it was Lux: Yeah, like I said, you don't care Lux: and that's your lookout Lux: but to give it that faux hippie bullshit about family and welcoming, when you mean only for yourself, fucking sucks Lux: don't bother pretending, just be honest Dash: it happened different with you, that's the honest truth Dash: search me why Lux: right Lux: I wasn't born yesterday Dash: I do care Lux: you should be a better friend Lux: to these people, the ones you care about Dash: yeah Lux: that's all I have to say Dash: I'll cool it too then Lux: I don't think you're evil Lux: but I don't think you're a good person now Dash: I can't change your mind? Lux: Of course you can Dash: by doing what? Lux: by being a good person or a bad Dash: Beats me how that's getting judged when everyone else already thinks I'm being a good person except you & my bro Lux: don't confuse people not caring either way for approval of your actions Dash: you want me to care more for people who don't, nothing confusing about that Lux: I said being good wasn't easy Dash: & responsibility isn't my bag, he takes all that on Lux: there we go then Lux: I'm not expecting anything Dash: like I said, I'm not giving you anything but space Lux: Whatever Lux: Goodbye Dash: I'm sorry we read each other wrong Dash: it hasn't happened before Lux: It's happened plenty before Lux: they leave Lux: your behaviour and attitude is bullshit and I won't be apologising to you Dash: chill, you've made your point Lux: it's not about making it, it's about you understanding Lux: but why the fuck should I care, actually Lux: you're right, way too confusing, way too hard, no point Dash: get out of here then Dash: I don't understand & you don't care Lux: I'm not leaving, remember Lux: and that's the fucking point, you'll have to get used to feeling uncomfortable with it Dash: you can split conversationally, was more the vibe Lux: no, Dash Lux: you don't control the conversation, the narrative, any of it, that's the 'vibe' Lux: if you're feeling some type of way, you should go, take some responsibility for yourself Dash: You're responsible for hassling me now Lux: Then leave Lux: you control you, I control me Lux: I'm not doing what you don't want to do for some notion of being the fucking 'chill' cool one here Dash: I don't understand this, that's why I don't want to Lux: I don't think you want to Lux: it's fun and it's easy to do fucked up things Lux: and if everyone else is doing them, or not calling you out for it, why not Dash: I didn't do a fucked up thing to you Lux: I've said you did Dash: but that's not the way it was Dash: I opened up to you to, I still am Lux: You tell me about the tour and then you tell me I'm different though Lux: How do you expect me to take you at your word when what you've described there is exactly what went down Dash: I showed you around & I've showed some of them around, that doesn't mean everything else that happened was the same Lux: you said it like you thought I'd think it was funny Dash: I don't know why I did that Lux: Be honest Lux: was it just to see how cool I was and how I could hang Lux: or was it because you forgot, and thought I was one of the boys Dash: that couldn't be further from how I see you Lux: okay Lux: that's something then Dash: I meant what I said when I told you you're like a song I can't get out of my head, how I wanted to live in all those moments cos of what they felt like Dash: it's only got worse since then Dash: I didn't wanna hurt you, I don't Lux: you didn't hurt me by what you did Lux: at least, not at the time Lux: it's what you said Lux: to have to put bad intentions to those moments, you must get how shitty that is, you at least feel that too Dash: I was trying to show you this is different Lux: my head hurts Dash: Yeah 🌪 Lux: make sure you have some water Dash: that's your magic 🔮✨💖 Lux: I don't think I have any right now Dash: You haven't lost it Lux: I just need to replenish Dash: Me too Lux: I'll wish you good luck on that then Dash: Later? Lux: Yeah Dash: 🚀🪐💫

[fairycosmos]

and it's hard because I don't know how to grow on my own when i'm dealing with my body issues and stuff. i don't talk to anyone, i don't have any friends and i'm super lonely all the time so i'm sure that doesn't help lsdakjflksdjf but i'm trying anyway, i'm sorry for venting. love u chloe, i hope you're having a nice day

hi baby, im so sorry to hear that 😔 it sounds exhausting just reading about it. im proud of you for continuously trying and for being here. i can relate a lot to what you're saying. for many people a big aspect of their eating disorder is not feeling like it's 'serious' enough, but this is simply another trick 'that' part of your mind is playing on you.... it's trying to get you to continue pushing your boundaries, trying to convince you that "well at least ive never passed out" is sound reasoning. it's not. cause then when you do pass out, it changes to "at least i havent had a heart attack." you lose your sense of accurate judgement when it comes to this sort of thing, and it's important not to believe everything your brain tells you. it's not reliable. the fact that you feel this way at all is a pretty good indicator that you need and deserve help, as we all do at times, even if you don't want to accept that fact. point is, if you suffer from disorderd eating consistently then it IS harmful, it IS traumatic and you don't need permission to feel the weight of it on your shoulders. the extent of it is just a minute detail in the grand scheme. cause the longer you use that as an excuse, the worse it gets. you don't have to be on deaths door to be at serious risk. emotional pain alone is enough of a reason to seek what you need.

that relationship with your ex sounds very stressful and i can totally understand why you're still feeling weird about it, even now. there's truly no rush even if it's frustrating to constantly think of her. i think something we have to let people go over and over again in our minds. another symptom of an ed is constantly being in competition with those around you, even those you love, which is so tiring. and it's not your fault at all. it's part of the illness. you didn't ask for any of this. just cause she was struggling doesn't mean you were struggling any less, you know? her pain didn't diminish yours. you still went through all that. you're both absolutely entitled to your own experiences. it can sometimes be v toxic for two mentally ill people to be together and the mental repercussions of that may take a lot of energy and growth to overcome. it's allowed to hurt, and you're allowed to cry. to miss her, and to not miss her. maybe it will always feel awful to look back on it, but it absolutely won't always feel like it does right now. where you're at in this moment is not where you'll always be. it's absolutely valid to want to run away and become someone else, i don't fuckin blame you at all. but even if you stay in your town, you're going to evolve. you may not even notice it at first, but the fact that you made it through the breakup speaks volumes. you got through today without her. you've had small victories since then. that relationship is a very tiny part of who you're growing to be. you're much more capable than you realize, and im not just saying that... every day you're learning to cope, even subconsciously. and that's really all you can ask of yourself.

isolation can definitely worsen your symptoms, can fuck up your perception of yourself and the world and your problems. but i think a lot of us go through phases of loneliness especially when we're struggling, and it's not an indicator of whether or not you deserve friendship. you ALWAYS will. it's just really difficult to come by. there's nothing wrong with you as a person, no matter how much your insecurities tell you otherwise. though i don't doubt that love is waiting in your future, dude. but interpersonal relationships aren't the only form of support out there. you said it's been five years since you've been stuck in these cycles, and you have the self awareness to know that it's not right. so do you think maybe it's time to look into professional help, if that's an option and if you haven't already? of course your brain doesn't think it's that big of a deal but the fact that it's lasted this long and caused so many problems for you just proves that you need to take action. whether it's your doctor, a counselor, a support group in your area, even just a hotline to begin with.... you're not doomed to a lifetime of mental compulsions. there is so so much that can be done, through therapy and building a network of healthy relationships and mechanisms, seriously. of course it's a scary prospect, and you don't even have to like the idea. but you said you want to grow, you just don't know how. acting on your self hatred has only made things worse. so how about you try the opposite to disrupt the cycle? positive change really does spur from putting yourself first, even if you have to force it. it's completely normal to be afraid, but being honest about what's happening will never be as bad as you think it'll be. these professionals will let you work at your own pace to figure out the root causes of why you developed these behaviours, and how to fight the urges when they do arise. reworking your perception of food and your body is so so possible if you let the vulnerability in.

i understand that it's incredibly daunting and overwhelming. so even if you just begin with researching self help techniques and implementing them into your daily life, or accepting that you're allowed to feel pain, or crying instead of binging. forcing yourself to eat a piece of fruit instead of starving. these efforts are practices that will absolutely get easier with time. and not every day has to be good or successful. but as long as you're just trying to do what's right by you. it always comes back to knowing that you're going to be yourself for the rest of your life. might as well try to be your own friend. it's too exhausting not to. anyway im sorry this got long, i know words don't change anything and there's only so much i can say but.....i just hope you're able to get to a place where you don't feel guilty about what is beyond your control, and where you're able to put your mental well-being above your feelings. getting there may be a process, but it's supposed to be. and i really really believe in u!! you're not as alone as you feel. i love you and i'll be here if you want to talk, feel free to drop me a message. take it one day at a time luv 💖