#and i know i skipped a day . thats bc i got tired and busy so yeah

[acekindaneat]

SeriRei Week ‼️

Day 7: official art/confessions

I love you too.

[lostacelonnie]

It sure is the new year & somehow im still tired and way busier than i would like. So uh. Sorry this took me a bit to get to. The first time i read your response i thought you'd said you were watching bocchi which confused me because you had already. But im glad you are enjoying bofuri. She's such a chaotic disaster character. Ohh i think i feel you on that my brother in law & i have like. Opposing autism vibes & coexisting with him when we share apace is exhausting. I hope school is going well for you! Yeah like. Honestly sometimes ill chat with people at a theater but mostly just. Please do not. Im just there for a film. Love the communal effort to just. Understand your teacher what a time that must be. My parents did teach to cook a bit. I learned spaghetti & a basic taco recipe from them. But i learned a lot from there so i had a bit of a spring board to go off. I hope you have a fun time learning to cook stuff i enjoy it immensely. Even with all the dishes it can make. Honestly schools are just. Weird if anything. Liminal space adjacent but in a way neither good or bad. Im sad i missed getting to pull her i want ruan mei but due to bad storms my internet was out, which also contributed to late response, for the last days of her banner. So i have to save for her re run. I am so normal about her & stelle(lying). I finally finished the argenti quest but had to level & gear himeko & welt. Got kafka on my console account from her banner & it gave me e1 bailu when i hoped for clara. Ohh so its like a character growth/change type thing. As the story progresses & they change they gain new herscherr forms. I think if my understanding is right. Or right as it can be for something not fully explained? I miss manaria & the gang already. Can only tide myself over with other villainess shows til it returns. Or i read more. Dungeon meshi at least has an airing anime adaptation now which means i can see my favorite fail girl marcille in animation. I will remember that & look to the community for help as needed if i pick noita up thank you for the tip. I too want himeko to be fine & alive so i sympathize with the hi3 fans. I dont remember if she's getting off on penacony or not if thats been said. But penacony definitely has some characters i want. Oh okay damn i always wondered about her floating. So thats one mystery solved. Wait seele has just. Basically a good dog aura? Oh so kiana mei & bronya have the most extensive lore? What about uh. Durandal? I feel like ive seen that particular polish phrase before whats it mean?

HI HELLO its been 20 years which im SO FUCKING SORRY about...... my life has decided to just Not give me a break recently. and understandable akdfkgjksj i should really continue watching it but ah.... so busy. and Tired all the time. actually got to skip school today bc i was so sleep deprived i thought i was sick but then i slept for another 4 hours and i feel so much better now. should be studying [have 8 exams coming up until the end of february.......] but i also Need to chill for a bit. agghhh. and oh understandable!! it really is just like that sometimes. school, as i said, is. psychologically torturing me but im actually not in that much pain so yeah!! and thanks also. i hope my teachers let us catch a break soon. at least ive recently picked up baking to destress so at least im not about to become the joker. and REAL LIKE i also dont mind talking with people in public places from time to time but i usually just wanna mind my own business. and yeah its SO funny but also im surprised how nice all my classmates are about helping others. like. if we had to cooperate to create a message with my old classmates everyone would just instantly start making fun of each other for not knowing something. OOOH COOL....... when i have more time i should learn to make some spanish dishes. went to gran canaria with my mom recently and god ive missed their cuisine SO much. god yeah schools are like another dimension to me ngl. they work based on different rules then the rest of the world. AND AUUGHGH PAIN...... good luck with getting her on future reruns tho!!! same with being Totally Normal. and hey congrats on all that!!! i also ended up doing argentis quest and luckily didnt have time with fighting him thanks to clara who makes it extremely easy. generally shes always carrying me. finally got to trailblaze lvl 65 and i only have my clara team at lvl 80 rn so i should probs work on kafka etc but i hate grinding mats...... hell on earth. oh well. and yeah more or less!!! tho it also depends on the person and circumstances, as some people will get new authorities, some will kind of. get closer to their current one? and some people might even give up their herrscher authorities with time. but yeah honkai loves to retcon itself so its kinda blurry sometimes. I MISS EVERYONE TOOOOOO and i started watching reborn as a villainess some time ago but ah. didnt have time to continue. i ALSO started watching dunmesh and ALSO didnt have time to catch up with it but im SO excited for it bc ive only watched 3 eps but love it already. if you ever Do pick up the game then good luck!! its as brutal as it is fun to play. himeko protection squad forever....... i should finish penacony when i get the time and motivation. wasnt too interested in any chars at first but acheron stole my heart....... so would sparkle if she wasnt so Racist for no reason. yes seele Does have a good doggy aura SHDKFJKS even The Great Herrscher Of Sentience cant say no to her. shes so sweet and i love her. and yeah basically!!!! since theyre effectively all the protags, even if kiana is the "main" one. AND I WILL VERY EXCITEDLY TELL YOU LITERALLY ALL DURANDAL LORE AS I KNOW IT BY HEART BUT ALSO LITERALLY DONT HAVE ENOUGH ENERGY TO WRITE IT ALL DOWN RIGHT NOW SO ILL TRY TO GET THAT DONE BY YOUR NEXT MESSAGE. so well both have time to write our respective stuff. and oh polska gurom is a misspelled version of polska górą [since its pronounced almost the same] which more or less means poland on top. its used ironically most of the time and i LOVE saying it

[crazylil-lion]

Anyone else genuinely scared to look at themselves in the mirror?

Like not only because I hate how I look but because I don't recognize the thing standing before me.

It doesn't feel real. How could that be me?

I look myself in my eyes and I see someone else.

Empty, dead eyes, a sadistic grin. The part of me that knows no matter how much I try to drown it out with lorazepam. With loud music. With games. With anime. Multitasking until I'm dead to avoid the fucking monster inside me.

When I look into my eyes in the mirror I see the demon before me and I get sick. Thoughts of all the things I've done wrong, things I could have done better. People I could have helped and given more to flash before my eyes.

I don't recognize myself because the truth is who I am died years ago in that house.

My personality was destroyed my life turned meaningless.

All that mattered was being enough, giving more and more. Asking for as little as possible.

Get love based on how much you do.

Its funny. If 4th grade people wrote notes about the favorite thing they enjoyed about each of us.

I had so many nice comments. How sweet and kind I was. How bright and bubbly I was. How I use to brighten rooms up and make people smile.

I think back and i remember going to school pretending everything was okay.

Pretending that I was okay.

Over those years 9-15 everything about me was destroyed.

Befoee that age it was bad. The screaming. The fear the pain. The threats.

But it didn't really hit me until I was around 10.

Thats when the fire nation attacked( jk😂)

Anyway. Thats when it got worse. The abuse got worse. My presents always being stolen. Literally if I was called for I had to drop what I was doing and go. That second. If I didn't they would scream. Come pound on my door. Drag me out by my arm. Scream so close I felt their breath.

Spanked or slapped. Or just threatened.

I did the chores. Most of them. I kept my siblings from crying or it was my fault.

The only escape I really had was weekends with dad but he would just dismiss moms actions. Dismiss my words tell me to just be strong because I was the only one that could be there for them. He tried his hardest still does working 80 hrs anychance he gets to support moms lazy ass.

I was blamed for so much. I changed my hair color to pink when I was 10 and I got screamed at. Told I was unlovable. A freak. People would make fun of me. No one would ever wanna date me. I was forced to skip school the rest of the week so they could change it back.

If they hit me and I cried I was told to man up before they gave me a real reason to cry.

I've never really had support. Or someone who unconditionally loved me.

All ky relationships where me giving everything to get barely anything in return.

My one good relationship ended basically overnight.

Everything was great she was going to come see me some times soon or I see her.

I tried to spend time with her she kept hanging out with her friend, whoch I was like, okay, np we got all the time in the world. Then a few days later she wants to have phone sex after I worked all day its like 830 and the walls are so thin I hear the group of people in the room next door.

I say I really didnt feel up to it bc I was tired and I just wanted to talk.

She blows up saying I don't ever do anything with her after staying at a friends for days.

That everything changed when I moved bc I was busy.

I begged for her to support me. Saying its hard after moving from my siblings. The only thing that kept me alive for years.

She left. Within a week it was over she was gone. Didn't respond. Said she wanted space and went and got into another relationship like a week or two later. And that was it until her relationship went bad and she talked to me again.

The one relationship that I thought I mattered in threw me away basically in days. Moved on and barely talked to me after multiple bad relationships.

Really I just wanna be noticed once. Everyone talks of their stories. Their relationships. Getting hit on.

I'm here like yeaaa everyones basically treated me like shit my whole life.

I just can't relate.

To their lives.

To being able to live as children.

Ive missed out on so much for so long. All I've wanted was love. Romance. The cheesy shit. Flowers. Smothering eachother in kisses. Cooking together. Talking about our day's.

Its all I want.

I want to know a safe warm embrace.

I wanna know what its like to be chosen and wanted.

What its like for someone to try for me. To think about me.

I wanna matter. I'll do anything. Give them anything. Treat them like my goddess. Worship them build them up. I just wanna feel fucking safe. Have someone proud. Have someone want me. Want to have romantic cheesy shit.

The truth is I'll never be able to love myself without intimacy or affection.

I was starved of it. Idk what its like to be held.

I can't love myself because my family only loved what I could provide. Not me. Me was pushed down. Broken and abused.

I wanna kill myself because I don't think I'll ever have that love. That safety. Someone I can open myself up to. Show all my scars and have embrace me. I just want to feel loved and wanted. I want to kill myself because im tired of pain and suffering. I'm tired of trying my hardest when it feels like multiple people trying to smother me. When I feel like theres a hurricane in my mind.

I wanna kill myself because honestly I feel its the only out. To a peaceful quiet empty place.

I place I don't have to hurt anymore.

I'm not surprised no one wants me though...

I'm just this ugly thing. Not masc enough for most girls. Not feminine enough for others.

Not cute.

Too shy.

I'm just not someone worth noticing and thats okay.

Just try to smile and enjoy pretending to be part of a group. Part of the peoples from works friend group.

Be the person that lifts others up bc thats the only way anyone will keep me around. Is if I'm useful and helpful. Kind and polite. Friendly and understanding.

People will only keep me around if I try my hardest to please. If I give everything and ask for nothing.

I'll never be loved or wanted any other way.

So I'm done.

I'm ready to go.

Let me not awake from my sleep.

Let me rest in peace.

[junosaurus]

Hello!!!! Its my first time requesting,

But would you mind doing a quiet, weak-looking s/o but when it comes to sports day, they joined bunch of activities with so much energy! Like they can run fast, jump high and etc!

Could you please do them with Zhongli/Albedo/Xiao/Scaramouche? Or any genshin characters you want!! Ofc, it's a modern AU!!

Sports Day

Ft: Zhongli, Albedo and Xiao (seperated)

A/N: I don't really know how to write about these characters (or lets say i just genuinely dont know how to write for male characters 💀) but i hope this is what you asked for!!! (scara isnt written in here bcs as i said in my pinned post, no unreleased characters sorry!!)

Zhongli

He would be the leader of the school swimming team

Quite busy on sports day since he's got some competitions too

You had told him you'd be very busy on sports day too

Right after he finished with all his competitions, he started hearing your name being announced for competitions

He was quite worried that you had entered competitions since to him, you were so fragile

"Here we have the mighty Y/N L/N VERSUSSSS YANFEI for tennis!!!!" The announcer was very loud indeed, as she was the one and ghostly Hu Tao.

Getting ready, you heard the whistle go off. Yanfei set the ball to you, swiftly hitting the ball back to her. After a few more hits and the ball was aimed quite high, you hit a quick spike, earning a point. Zhongli was astonished from what he just saw, Y/N???? Sporty??? He never heard of that before.

After winning gold medals for tennis, track and field, baseball and volleyball, Zhongli was genuinely terrified by you. The lazy Y/N who literally slept the whole time when Zhongli offered you to be the swimming teams manager for a day was a completely different person today???

After the day was done and you both were walking home he had so many questions.

Zhongli: You never told me you were...quite the active person.

Y/N: Practically quit, but I have gym in the morning before school.

Zhongli: Ah now I see why you're always tired at school, though what do you mean by quit?

Y/N: I used to be on national teams for fencing, so I got my skills for other sports from practicing.

Zhongli was dumbfounded. He paused and blinked, staring at you. He was too shocked.

Y/N: *sigh* Only reason I joined school competitions is because I have a deal with the head coach. He said I wouldn't have to join team trainings or P.E if I just did well in many competitions for sports day then he'll give me a good report. Thats why I always skip P.E class. Oh plus all the coaches are a pain in the ass.

Zhongli: They are quite something. But I'm very amazed by your achievements Y/N. Can't believe you get to skip P.E class too.

Albedo

Albedo was just the one in charge of making sure everybody that were competing knew where they were supposed to be

He never actually knew you played sports until he printed all the lists of competitors

He kept checking if the lists were right because he was SURE you were exactly like him

meaning not sporty and much of a nerd

It wasn't until the big day he finally found out.

"AND WHO DO WE HAVE HEREEEE??? Y/N VERSUSSSSS XIANGLING FOR FENCING!!!" Hu Tao shouted into the mic

Albedo almost spit his caprisun out hearing your name. 'So maybe my speculations were wrong and they were actually sporty?????'

To Albedo, you were just a person that sleeps whenever they can and live off coffee, the same as him. So he was quite amazed looking at you doing fencing.

Still slurping his caprisun, right after the match had ended he snuck up on you and became a whole questionnaire.

Albedo: So you're telling me that you're actually good at sports now?

Y/N: Since the age of 2, yes.

Albedo: But you never went to any training though?

Y/N: Before school training and heavy training for years.

Coach: Hey Y/N, volleyball next. And you kid, go back to your desk. There's a queue full of lost minds out there.

Y/N: Oh well, gotta go. Love ya

You kissed his cheek and ran.

Albedo: Love you too... *whispers* how can they even manage that without intense training everyday..

Xiao

The boy does javelin frfr

He was always going to before and after school training

Was clueless on why you were in a competition

You were always with him in training and slept on the bench so he thought you never really played sports

You were always handing him energy drinks after he finished training

On sports day, he was waiting for his turn on the benches. Until you came sitting next to him.

Xiao: What are you doing here?

Y/N: Waiting for my turn?

Xiao: Oh alright.

He faced the field again

He turned to you in a heartbeat

Xiao: Wait you're playing??????

Y/N: Mhmmmm

Coach: Y/N you're up!

Y/N: Coming right there! Bye, love you xiao.

He blushed intensely and soon jaw dropped when he saw your skills at javelin.

[cattles-bians]

exes au part 15

post directory

em: viola teas i am like. incapable of sleeping in

em: i woke up 10:30 on the dot and i thought. what the fuck

em: 10:30 is especially offensive bc it means the mcdonald’s breakfast is done

obsetress: brain immediately said viola up and about doing all the chores vacuuming with no sympathy for her constantly sleeping in snoring girlfriend dani clayton

obsetress: but nah i'm sorry for you that sucks

em: inspiring deranged viola behaviour is

em: the greatest gift of all

obsetress: god so true when u think about it

obsetress: not that viola vacuums, she def has cleaners but

obsetress: actually no

obsetress: she has cleaners but she's prob not satisfied and gets out her expensive vacuum she has no idea how to use and is clattering n making such a fuss

obsetress: and poor dani

em: she’s up and about rearranging things, she’s causing a ruckus,

obsetress: dani's like "you have just as bad insomnia as me and you're just... getting up? that early?"

obsetress: viola shrugs "i don't need that much sleep"

obsetress: "you do, though"

obsetress: she shrugs and disappears into the kitchen

obsetress: insomniac gf and insomniac gf

em: insomnia gfs

em: viola runs on like

em: supernatural element carrying over: viola is a little too good at running on no sleep and no one knows if she ages

obsetress: YEAH

em: i love a sorta, grounded real life show w like one or two unexplained ambiguously supernatural things that no one blinks at

obsetress: i was gonna be like

obsetress: i wonder what dani and viola do when theyre up not sleeping at night and then i was like

obsetress: Well,

obsetress: no they do that but they also do the most random borderline unhinged shit like

obsetress: dani tries new baking recipes and they sit on the countertop in their pjs or underwear or nothing and eat scones at three am

em: go for night drives

em: night drives aren’t even unhinged but they’re nice

em: but they don’t listen to music they listen to fucken podcasts

obsetress: that fuckin lorde song

[em note: it's supercut]

obsetress: they go to the roof and dani lays her head in viola's lap and stares at the stars while viola reads to her in french

obsetress: ugh i put it on oh god why did i put it on

[em note: it's still supercut]

obsetress: in my head.........

obsetress: i do everything right............

obsetress: when you call............

obsetress: i'll forgive and not fight.............

obsetress: ours are the moments.........i play in the dark OH MY GOD VI'S INSOMNIA AFTER DANI LEAVES AND SHES ALONE

em: ur a MONSTER

obsetress: i need to lay on the floor and put this song on repeat

obsetress: anyway um

obsetress: another thought from when i was thinking about the vacuum like

obsetress: viola has a degree of learned helplessness that all rich people have but she's not an idiot like the rest of them yknow and i think like

obsetress: she had to do a lot when she and perdita were kids!

obsetress: after her mom died

em: hannah......

obsetress: and then after her dad died before she married arthur and like

obsetress: then being a single mom (viola lloyd single mom i'm drooling) even w all the help she can afford

obsetress: she has a chip on her shoulder and Does Things For Herself but also just

obsetress: sometimes it happens! there's never enough time and never enough help!

obsetress: and she loves isabel so much like

obsetress: viola making isabel her lunches

obsetress: oh god

em: making her little lunches at like 2am bc it’s been a busy day and she’s tired and she’s sore and she’s sad but the one thing viola will never skip is like

em: making sure isabel gets her lunches

em: hey what is wrong with us

obsetress: GOD YEAH

obsetress: EXACTLY

obsetress: HOW DID YOU KNOW I WAS THINKING ABOUT HER MAKING THEM AT TWO AM UGH

obsetress: anyway um yeah viola making isabel her lunches at two am

obsetress: i know that i wrote jamie leaving flora notes on her napkins but like

[em note: read 'and she taught me a lesson alright']

obsetress: i just think it's something a mom who really loves her kid and wants them to feel safe and okay would do so i want to say vi does it for isabel too!!! and what of it they're different universes it's fine

em: ur just building the hannah obsetress cinematic universe

em: building up some Themes and Motifs

obsetress: themes motifs and symbols

obsetress: anyway viola packing isabels lunches she writes little notes and puts on lipstick n kisses them

obsetress: so isabel can get a kiss from her mom

em: im going to kill u w my bare hands

obsetress: cut to vi in the bathroom wiping it off later à la jennifer check

em: im GONNA

obsetress: sometimes when vi has to go out of town for business or w/e she leaves a stack of napkins with arthur to put in isabel's lunch so she can still get a kiss from her mom even when she's gone

em: thats so extra??

em: its so viola

obsetress: exactly

obsetress: she definitely has a fear of isabel favoring arthur over her (abandonment issues etc etc)

obsetress: gestures at canon

—-

em: dani 'its casual' taylor

obsetress: leave the typo

obsetress: dont you dare change it

em: i need u to know that i DO fuck but

em: hgfngjkyhGJBJKFHD FUCK

em: ruined my own joke

obsetress: in the most spectacular way

em: dani 'i need you to know i DO fuck but im accepting offers' clayton

obsetress: she takes care to drop that like

obsetress: it's just casual SHE'S not anything serious. i'm not dating HER or anything

obsetress: jamie's like dani i know you're gay you literally stare at my lips every time i talk

em: dani getting off the phone and dramatically rolling her eyes like 'ex girlfriends, am i right? whats up with these women i-' and jamies like love i get it

obsetress: jamie raising her eyebrows "how many ex girlfriends do you have"

obsetress: dani's like "well, just the one, but"

em: but i COULD have more. if i wanted to. bc i am looking to date more women

em: jamies like ok cool

obsetress: jamie, a little too casually: oh? any, uh. prospects?

em: danis like (patented nervous dani lip bite) maybe but

em: jamies like drat

em: jamies like darn

em: and then she gets home and shes like

em: wait

obsetress: jamie calling dani back "when you said maybe"

obsetress: and dani immediately is like yEAH?

em: jamies like do you think you could ever be interested in me and danis like umm. yeah.

em: jamie hangs up like ok cool

em: long beat

obsetress: oh my GOD

em: REDIALS

---

obsetress: ok last thing i was gonna say

obsetress: i meant to say this earlier and got distracted a hundred times over

obsetress: but um imagine dani helping isabel with her english homework

obsetress: vi helping isabel with her math homework

em: ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

em: SOFT

obsetress: well,

em: oh no

obsetress: isabel needing help w her english homework post dani and vi's trying to help and vi's smart n all but

em: get HELP

---

em: dani 'hooking up w my ex is actually a v girlboss of me' is SO funny to me

em: when they get together danis like, oh but havent we all- and jamies like nooo i have very good boundaries

em: except for the perdi vi psychosexual power play ig

obsetress: moment of weakness

obsetress: who wouldn't want to hook up w their hot boss

—

obsetress: when dani goes up to london whatever weekend like friday night to get her closure dinner with vi

obsetress: boom haircut and therapy reveal

em: 3 day bender u say

obsetress: all of a sudden it's sunday night and

obsetress: YEAH

obsetress: they spend

obsetress: all fucking weekend

obsetress: in vi's bed

em: sighs dreamily

obsetress: dani playing with her hair

obsetress: "this is nice"

obsetress: "i'm gonna miss your bun though"

obsetress: vi's brain is short circuiting at "i'm gonna miss"

em: later danis like look. jamie. what would you have done? and jamie chokes on her beer and splutters 'not fuck my ex for 3 days straight?!'

obsetress: dani "well you've never fucked v–– oh wait"

obsetress: "you really can't blame me, jamie, you KNOW" jamie: (grumbles)its different... dani: well i mean i guess, technically, you didnt,

obsetress: unrelated in some bad fight at the end vi is like "you can't go isabel needs a–– you're like her–––" and dani's like "a what? say it" and viola's too stubborn and proud and hurt to say it

em: just perpetually bouncing back to the worlds angstiest break up

obsetress: i don't know WHY

obsetress: as someone who HATES ANGST

obsetress: i am so DRAWN to these two

em: its ummmm weirdly cathartic??

em: the whole exes au is based on a joke about them being friends and exes. we are v firm in like. viola and dani reconcile!

em: idk i love a catharsis moment! i love it when a character claws their way to happiness. or even begrudgingly goes to therapy

em: viola can go through a little hell as a treat

obsetress: turns out the only one who could fix her in the end

obsetress: was the one who said it's not my job to fix you

em: dani transformative power of (platonic) love

obsetress: "Platonic"

[ryncorrect]

university!au: day6 sungjin

i’ve abandoned this au for so long istg my life is a mess yall please forgive but anyway im back with my bullshit and ready to spread my cringe-worthy stuff to the world again

name: park sungjin

major: practical music and arts

other activities: leader, guitarist, and vocalist of university band, president of music club, member of cooking club

park sungjin is the embodiment of leadership

i mean he’s the band leader, the club president, also the president of his class since year one, like he’s so trustworthy and responsible, literally nothing can go wrong under his sight

and even when things do go wrong (life is a bitch) he’ll still make sure everyone is fine and having the time of their lives pun intended

anyone who meets sungjin for the first time will probs say he has this tough man aura, cold,,, tsundere-ish idk

but as someone who have known each other for so long, you never understand when anyone says sungjin looks cold

you know damn well the moment sungjin opens his mouth he gonna throw dad jokes with his satoori dialect

dad jokes are fucking funny fight me

you once said sungjin should start his own comedy club

......he’s currently considering it

oh right he also talks about food all. the. time.

he joined cooking club for a reason okay

no, he can’t and doesn’t really cook he’s only there to taste food and people let him there because he’s nice and he knows how to appreciate the cooks

uh we love a man with manners

so, who is sungjin for you exactly?

he lives next door, one year older than you, was a leader even when you were little ayeee childhood friend cliche

can you imagine little sungjin leading his friends in game its so pure brb crying

you told him everything you couldn’t tell ur parents because they were busy, you asked for his advises, he made sure you were safe and happy

you still depend on him even after you two have grown up

you enrolled to the same university, took the same major with him, and even joined the clubs he’s a member of

this isn’t because you’re indecisive, it’s just that you spent so much of your childhood with sungjin that you two became similar to each other, up to your hobbies and interests and even palate lmao

that’s why he loves to eat with you because you two never argue about the menu

the only club you can’t join is the band, and that’s because jae rejected your application

reason: extremely close personal relationship with sungjin, therefore sungjin will take your side if we ever had an argument

you denied that; no, sungjin wont take anyone’s side based on feelings bc he’s a logical person and he always listens carefully to every side of the parties before he makes a decision..... but jae wont listen

brat

"you only rejected me because im a better guitarist”

“lalalalala cant hear you over my authority as the important band member”

“fuck you”

“i don’t accept offers”

anywayssss you did fail to join the band, but you’re friends with them, theyre literally so used to your company that sometimes they forgot youre not actually in the band

you and the guys teamed up for sungjin’s surprise birthday party

the surprise failed because dowoon accidentally added sungjin to the group chat

sungjin being nice and playing along anyway because he didnt want to disappoint you

and then its sungjin’s turn to ask the guys for help for your birthday party

failed again because dowoon AGAIN accidentally invited you, in person, to your own birthday party

dowoon what the heck?????

yeah its all cute and sweet but thats all of your relationship with sungjin, you treat him like a dependable brother and he treats you like his own little sister

thats what you tell to your friends too when they ask if you two are dating

they’re glad thats the case

because they have a crush on sungjin LMAOOOOO PLOT TWIST

they’re hoping they can get to sungjin through you yanno like asking you to send him snacks and letters or to tell him they say hi

you dont mind i mean you know sungjin is one admirable person ofc everyone likes him

sungjin never rejects nor accepts it hes just like “yay snacks!”

“god damn it sungjin just date any of them im tired of being a matchmaker”

“then dont?? literally no one asked you to”

little did you know that sungjin had the same problem

some of his classmates are interested in you but whenever they come to him he just says, “dont ask me i dont know anything and if i do i wont tell you”

this one sandeul guy has started asking you out and stuff

“ehhh youre so nice i’ll think about it!!”

you, immediately texting sungjin: ur friend sandeul ask me out what should i do

sungjin: do you like him tho

you: not really idk him yet

sungjin: just tell him your mom said no

you: damn nice

but this guy is so persistent and you gotta admit hes kinda cute and after a few tries you finally said yes to him

so you two went together and it was pretty fun

sungjin isnt too happy when he hears about it from sandeul

he asked you, “why didnt you tell me first?”

“well i dont think its a big deal. it was just a date anyway”

but you always told him everything

sungjin never speaks about it again

you go on another date with sandeul the week after

you tell sungjin later and he doesnt ask how it went

hes just “oh”

idk he’s kinda distant now, he rarely talks nor replies to your texts

he doesn't visit music club nor cooking club either so you don't see him often

have i told you im uncreative and all my aus are lame???

you think its probably because hes focusing for the finals, but even after it’s over sungjin doesnt really hang out with you or the band anymore like he only comes for practices and leaves right after

weirdly no one says anything about sungjin’s absence

but you cant stay quiet any longer and decide to ask dowoon whats wrong with sungjin

you shouldve known dowoon cant help much

“honestly i dont know either, maybe you should ask wonpil he’s sungjin’s roommate”

“but what if wonpil told sungjin”

“told sungjin what?”

“that i asked about him”

“asked him what?”

“...nevermind”

you asked younghyun

younghyun doesnt help either

“i dont know, just ask him yourself. i thought you were the closest to him??” why you so salty man

okay fine lets ask jae

“i’ll tell you for fifty bucks”

“dude im broke”

“then deal with it yourself”

you had no choice but to ask wonpil

“he’s just tired”

you know wonpil lied but this little shit refuses to tell anything

“please dont force me to answer i will cry really loudly and it’ll be embarrassing for the both of us”

why do you befriend them in the first place smh

oh youre right about wonpil telling sungjin that youre worried, and he does tell him to talk to you if he got something in mind

sungjins hesitant but in the end he only says, “no... its just that i didnt realize until recently that my little sister has grown up a lot”

“dear god wtf you sound like her grandma”

skip the boring part so uh a few more days passed awkwardly between you two and after your failed attempt at asking around you decide to confront sungjin in person

youre in the band practice room, the others are present, sungjin’s about to leave early as usual, and you find yourself jumping up your seat, “whats your problem with me?”

you know sungjin hates confrontation but you cant stand it anymore. you tried giving him time but if theres anything you seem to be more of a stranger to him

“i dont know what i did wrong and i wont know if you dont tell me, so let me know. i’ll listen and i’ll apologize if its my fault, but dont give me silent treatment like this. its so unlikely of you"

you can see sungjin clences his jaw as he replies calmly, "people change"

"you don't change, youre being childish. if you're mad you should talk about it. if you don't want me here you should tell me to go. if you don't like ME dating your friend you should tell me not to!!!"

drama much ryn

"youre your own person and you make your own choice, its your life and i cant keep telling you what to do or what not," and the end part kinda slips, "i don't hate you dating my friend or anyone, okay? im just not used yet to be a second person for you and im afraid youll get hurt"

"youre never?? a second person sungjin where does this idea even come from youre the only one for me i dont want anyone else???"

and suddenly there's a train of awkward coughs and you come back to your senses and you realize you're being watched

jae pretends to make a phone call, "mom pick me up im scared"

lame jae lame

dowoon mumbles, "can we,,, make an exit first before you two declare your undying love bc its privacy yanno"

you feel the heat spreading across your face as you open your mouth the same time as sungjin, both want to deny dowoon, but younghyun beats yall to it, "yeah you two are in love with each other we been know"

you and sungjin stares at each other, confused, "we don't???"

"oh honey,,, my dear,,, ive read enough sappy shit in writing club to see where this is going"

the conversation was cut there and neither of you bring it up again,

because the idea of you loving sungjin or sungjin loving you is so weird that you refuse to think about it, and so is for sungjin

but ever since that, sungjin has drastically come back to normal its almost hilarious, he spends a lot of time hanging out in the music club, practicing with the band, visiting the cooking club, making a joke here and there

sungjin is himself again with you, a caring dependable brother whom you come to whenever you need to talk or just hang out with and he always makes sure he has time for you

sap

you know hes always been like that but why does it feel different now??? the way he smiles or pulls your hand so youre walking on the inner side of the road,,, how he neatly places your spoon and chopsticks on a napkin when you two go out to eat together,,,, why

tender love baby chICKEN TENDER

mydayexol follow me

andddd so one day, someone asked you out. again.

wow ur so popular i cant Relate

you, texting sungjin: sandeuls friend jinyoung something invited me to a party next saturday should i come

sungjin, replying to you: hmm

you: ???

sungjin: i think its up to you

for some reason youre disappointed by his reply,,, but he’s right tho its your call if you wanna go then you go its not about what sungjin says

right?

right???

but suddenly you got another text: but if you ask for my opinion i would say don't go

you: actually i dont want to either lol so what should i say

sungjin: tell him you already have a date

you: nice

sungjin: with me

you: ayyeee

you: wait what

sungjin: i mean its just a suggestion

sungjin: which you can accept

sungin: or reject

for some reason you can imagine sungjin’s cheeky smile through his texts and it makes your inside tingles and you wanna giggle

so yea you thought it was a joke but he actually did take you out for a movie and dinner

it was really nice

so yanno the weird thing is that neither of you ask the other to be “official” but you just. are dating.

ur friends are mad like “bUT YOU SAID YOU TWO WERENT A THING”

“lol sry i changed my mind”

“fuck you”

“no thanks sungjin can do that... bUT DONT TELL SUNGJIN I SAID THAT hes gonna kill me”

“is he ur mom”

“basically yeah”

this sucks real bad but who cares

not me obviously

ill be back soon (or not) with dowoon’s one lets hope i can do better than this dnsjfsndfj lnjajnfdjs lmAO I LOVE YALL AND HAPPY NEW YEAR IN ADVANCE

[rontra]

ANONYMOUS ASKED:

i really like mwot and was wondering, do you wanna talk/loredump/etc about mwot during this blessed month of pride? (if not that's totally cool!!! i really like the au and am curious about it!)

REPLY:

YES!!!!

umineko spoilers below and LONG POST KSDJDKSKD i really went infodumping......you got me right in an infodumping mood....

also im being very casual in this post so if something is like weird or vague its probably because i got tired of thinking about it and skipped ahead. SKJDSJD

mwot is an umi au and its very gay and very trans because i, a gay trans, decided it was TIME to INDULGE

LIKE A MOUNTAIN WIND FALLING ON OAK TREES also known as MWOT, MW/OT, Mountain Wind + Oak Trees, MW+OT, or literally any combination of its parts, is an eva/natsuhi au, set in a vague modern big city setting

https://rontra.tumblr.com/tagged/mountain-wind-oak-trees

it’s a comedy, mostly? it has elements of backstory transphobia and  stuff like that but that’s not really the story i want to tell with it, so  i don’t go too deeply into it in the main fic. it’s mostly comedy and Self Care: The  Story (once these nerds get around to acknowledging that self care is  good, anyway!!!!)  

Eva is 20, nb lesbian (though she doesnt know half of it to begin with). generally a bitchard at the beginning but also deeply craving that Validation. Invested in making the fic harder to write due to pronoun shenanigans (shoutout to the lengthy section of intimate emotional scenes that uses no pronouns at all for eva but is narrated by them in 3rd person)

Natsuhi is like 21 i guess because im a sucker for her having like an annoying 1-3 years on eva bc eva would get mad about it. Also she’s trans, gray-ace, hopeless romantic, generally full of “quickly raising your eyebrows and looking away while sipping your drink and thinking Yikes” energy. weaponizes indifference but is no stranger to harder means. she’s a smart cookie

Sayo is also 20, gender clown car living her best life. Presents differently depending on mood and whim

krauss is like 22 or whatever. for housekeeping’s sake, rosa and rudolf are too young to matter (8 and 10, or something like that). dont even worry about it

honestly the weirdest part of the au is eva and sayo being the same age

also this au is the origin point of me & my friends using akikaze as nat’s maiden name. the more you know!

-

USHIROMIYA GOLD dishes up that yellow metal like you wouldn’t believe. led by kinzo whos so fuckin good at sniffing out that sweet sweet gold people are half convinced the man has psychic powers. Any piece of land he’s got his eyes on, he WILL get his hands on, no matter who owns it right now.

the land kinzo wants At The Moment is owned by the AKIKAZE FAMILY who have been notably on the decline recently. they’re in the economic shithole so this land is basically all they’ve got right now, so when kinzo wants it and it suddenly Has Value, they’re like “oh, shit,

anyway the deal basically shakes out that like, he gets the land and all the gold that may or may not be in it. he offers his eldest son in exchange for this land, to marry their daughter: in the bonds of marriage graciously ensuring a part of the winnings will spill over on them, while keeping them under his control without money coming into the picture.

Everything’s working out great and coming up kinzo. the deal is closed and everyone’s happy (i guess). until ONE DAY, just a few narrow weeks before the akikaze girl is set to move in with the ushiromiyas,

KINZOS

OLDEST

SON

DISAPPEARS

!!!!!

Krauss dislikes being told what to do, and his father’s ideals never lined up with his own. He thinks this entire thing is sort of fucked up and can’t live under his dad’s thumb anymore. That's why, immediately following Kinzo’s agreement with the Akikaze family, Krauss disappears. He’s just kinda left for greener pastures, to unfold his own life and pursue his own interests independent of the Ushiromiya name. He leaves behind a letter explaining it & basically he forfeits both name and inheritance, and Kinzo’s incredible deal is suddenly in jeopardy.....

obviously this is kinzo though, and all of his solutions are like, 20 times more complicated than they have to be? he’s DETERMINED to have this land so he’s like “i need an eldest son. shit rudolf is only like 9. fuck. well okay i have an eldest daughter with a deeply complicated need for validation and success entirely driven by her overall neglect at my hands“ and the rest. as they say. is history (???)

Ushiromiya Eva always saw Krauss as unworthy of the inheritance, and to her, his disappearance confirms this. She grew up always being made to feel inferior to her older brother, usually being ignored in favor of him, and it's bred a complex need for validation in her. Her values and strengths are more like Kinzo’s than her brother’s, and Kinzo recognizes this in the wake of Krauss’ disappearance.

basically he concocts this really wild scheme where eva has to pretend to be his oldest son and marry this girl or whatever so he can seal this stupid gold deal and she’s like “well lol if i get to be family heir” and hes like “yes that’s what im saying” and shes like “awesome let’s do it”

all of the servants are in on it too of course. specifically kinzo enlists SAYO who works there as normal staff and isn’t otherwise tangled into this family’s mess in any way whatsoever. she’s just here to serve tea and looks. anyway he’s like “you work on this with eva--i mean evan, my son, you must have misheard--and eva you have to listen to whatever yasuda says” and eva is like “that last part will not be frustrating for me at all”.

Yasuda as reigning Household Gender Presentation Expert is like “i think i just got orders from the master to bully eva?” and eva is like “i wish i could fire you but my dad just banned me from doing that” and then gradually...over the course of the project......they become....friends.........

(the au is tagged eva & sayo for a reason. they become FRIENDS!!)

mostly its just various combinations of shkanon dunking on eva and its all VERY good.

during all these shenanigans we make some startling realizations like “gender euphoria is a hell of a drug” and stuff, which is extremely harrowing for everyone (note: not for everyone. just for eva, who makes 10,000 realizations every day, and should not have been counted.)

(ok sidenote did anyone else put on their first binder & go like “hmmm. i live here now” because. mood. im projecting entirely into this fic)

Gender Clown Car yasuda (currently as lion) is like “you know there’s like more than 2 genders” and eva’s like “you fucking wehat”.

i also make a REALLY INVOLVED JOKE ABOUT CASTIGLIONI GOLD, THE RIVAL COMPANY, and how BEATRICE’S KID LOOKS A LOT LIKE LION, and EVERYONE thinks this is all VERY funny

(i would like to see it. also kinzo owes beatrice castiglioni $20 and she’s never let him forget it.)

now wrapped up in this stupid impostor scheme AND full of big wild nonbinary energy AND!! WITH AN INFURIATING NEW FRIEND!! IN THE STAFF!!! this one funky ushiromiya is all ready to get in on an arranged marriage or whatever. provided NO ONE EVER FINDS OUT that they’re faking it and replacing the Actual Heir, which would no doubt ruin the scheme AND bring kinzo’s wrath on everybody involved, of course.

-

AKIKAZE NATSUHI IS READY TO PUNCH HER FIANCE IN THE THROAT IF HE EVEN LOOKS AT HER but she understands what’s happening here. she knows she didn’t have a say in this from the very beginning. that the deal was sealed for her as soon as the name “ushiromiya” was said. she knows her family married her off quick in a bid to get rid of her. if she’s humiliated by this ordeal, she is far too proud to show it. she packs her bags and walks into the mansion with her head held high........and immediately has this exchange with her fiance

and this one

so that’s kind of the energy we’re going for with these two.

(natsuhi’s line in the second cap was going to be removed for being Way Too Intense, but everyone i talked to said it was too hot to cut, so i decided to indulge us all. blame the lesbians)

they IMMEDIATELY don’t get along but they kinda agree to like, mind their business, since neither of them are interested in playing house here. if they can get the wedding to go off without a hitch they can basically go back to never talking to each other again.

natsuhi’s entire angle here is essentially: her family was not that good, and this family likely won’t be better, BUT here she has a chance to build something new for herself. she’ll be out of her parents’ house. She needs this deal to stay for her own sake, but she has to get out ahead of her husband and set up a dynamic that favors her. when she meets evan she essentially gauges the kind of person she’s dealing with and picks her approach accordingly: this is not a soft man, and she has to be hard in turn to avoid being steamrolled.

and its VERY hot

anyway some stuff happens and it eventually they both sorta get each other’s secrets. eva is not the firstborn son and natsuhi is not the card kinzo thought he was pulling from her family’s hand and theyre both toast if word hits the public. directly after the wedding they establish a tense alliance of keeping each others’ secrets....

and then they.....fall...in l

there’s some fun tensions and realizations. eva is like “so im quickly catching on that no praise i ever received from dad was on my own merit and he’s kind of a dirtbag all around and his validation is kind of not worth it” and nat is like “word our parents are chains” & they run kinzo over with the down w cis bus. it’s fine. they get postcards from krauss sometimes. he has a motorbike now.

DID I MENTION THE PRACTICE KISSING

BC THEY HAVE TO PRACTICE! FOR THE!! PUBLIC WEDDING!!!!

and thats mwot i guess. it’s my au where natsuhi’s accent color is red and some other stuff happens too. happy pride month

[unsohlved]

yee yee !!! me ?? being habitually late as usual ??? ppl everywhere r shocked !!!  but hi i’m baby i’m nineteen and yr resident mark lee stan, yr fave irl usagi tsukino & i only wear socks that have cute designs or characters on them bc being cute & obnoxious is all i’ve got going 4 me !!! let me introduce u to my babyboy who’s addicted 2 crime shows and drinking icees 24/7 !!! he’s so smart but so DUMB he can solve complicated equations in mere minutes but if u flirt w/ him he’ll die on the spot dhfhs ps plot w/ me pls u can hit me up on d*scord @ hentai lovers anonymous #8965 i’ll send u barely coherent hcs @ 3am & for a limited time only i’ll send u dog pics !!! 

triggers: uhhh bad jokes, a  deadbeat dad, a terminally ill mother, substance abuse

- ̗̀ ❛ muse 8, jeon jungkook, he/him. ❜ ̖́- did you hear about the monaco trip? it’s legendary at ucla. maddox “max” seo is going, i’m so jealous. their instagram makes it seem like they’re pretty ingenious and they’re all about crime shows & spiked cherry icees. can you believe they’re only twenty-one and they’re going on a free trip to monaco for the summer? hopefully they don’t let their audacious side show too much on the trip. ( baby, she/her, mst)

backstory. 

ok so basically growing up he’s only ever known his mother. his dad had skipped camp shortly after max was born only to make a very brief, drunk cameo at max’s 7th birthday party which only made max hate him more fjdhgj 

having a single mom was cool in a lot of ways !!! for example whenever they cld afford to go to theme parks they didn’t have to worry abt who had to sit with who & she let max stay up reading or playing animal crossing after he’d finished his schoolwork 

its hard parenting solo so he was always a little bit of a wild child hhg but w/ a cause !!! once a girl in his class got pushed by two boys and he kicked their asses !!! and his mom was like ..... im glad u respect women but pls i cant afford 2 bail u out of jail when u grow up 

he’s been getting in fights w/ others since he cld walk lbr hell even CRAWL

but it was also difficult in a lot of ways too. he often wore thrifted clothes or hand me downs that were barely hanging on by a thread. his mom was always busy at work and she was so exhausted by the time she came home that it physically pained max

but she always made time for him. she was so ??? selfless ??? she’d drop everything to watch his science fairs and she was always front row at his spelling bees. she never let money stop max from pursuing his hobbies. when max wanted to join baseball in middle school she worked extra shifts to pay for his equipment. 

his freshman year of high school his mom started to get rlly sick but like jhhfgsh they were a low income family w/ not so great insurance so she put it off until she absolutely couldn’t anymore and she was diagnosed with leukemia 

it was an emotional and financial strain for the both of them. he started working as well as continuing his studies. hospital bills are outrageous & the healthcare system doesn’t rlly care abt poor families u know 

before the trip the doctors announced that his mother’s leukemia was terminal and that she likely only had a year tops left. so max almost turned down coming on the trip altogether but his mom insisted and asked him to go and take pictures and call her every day so she could live vicariously through him

and she pinky promised she’d hold on until he made it back home. she probably won’t. but he can’t afford to lose her bc thats his emotional support parent the only person whos loved him even tho hes temperamental & a smartass 

he juggled school, work, parties, &  taking care of his mom.

he’s going for something in psychobiology or forensic pathology but he !!! can’t decide !!!

hcs. 

if u call him maddox his eye wil l start twitching jfdghkdgjh his dad is the one who named him so he Hates his full name. 

super intelligent ??? but only abt very niche things like if u wanna talk abt pyschobiology or the applications of imaginary numbers in everyday life he’s all in if its abt common sense tho ??? max has left the chat 

started experimenting w/ substances shortly after his mom was diagnosed 2 help him cope 

always drinking spiked cherry & coke icees ??? everyones always like wtf where do u even get that 

facetimes w/ his mom every single day & is always asking the other to take pics of him so he can send them to her 

hasn’t told anyone abt his mom because he Hates being pitied ??? like after all ,,, he’s not the one w/ leukemia 

he has crushes on anyone thats either too nice or too mean to him fhsdhgkshg he never dated when he was younger so he’s like ???? u looked at me for 5 seconds we r in love 

vvv hardworking !!!! but also !!!! goofs around sm u start wondering if he is smart for Real 

cries when he talks abt how much he loves his mom 

ok lstn ,,,, he Rarely sleeps he’s always keeping himself busy bc if he’s busy then he doesn’t have to deal with how guilty he feels abt leaving his mom behind

so he’s spending this whole trip: Barely Sober

when hes drunk he recites the opening scene for law & order svu and hums the intro very off-key over and over 

swears he has 36746 unsolved cases Solved

has a crush on every single anime girl ever hkshkhgk

got into ucla on an academic scholarship but he’s still drowning in debt so he sells iLLeGaL substances 4 cash 

he’s on the baseball team & in lacrosse on top of being in 467364 clubs which is why hes BUff but also tired

this is all ive got i made this up on a whim gdfjagjh

tldr: he hates his dad & his name, loves his very sick mother, is chaotic but somehow smart & he falls in love like five times a day but he’s a libra what did u Expect 

[dreammutual-remade]

high school!mark

request: highschool!mark if u love me plspls

 word count: 5.5k

a/n: lucky that I love u anon hehehehe !!!!! also wOW I didnt mean to make this so god damn long itS REALLY JUST THESE GOD DAMN HIGH SCHOOL AUS IM WEAK FOR THEM OKAY. look at this cutie hOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO RESIST

mark, renjun, jeno, donghyuck, jaemin, chenle, jisung

warnings: the usual intermittent cussing and probably an inappropriate joke or two

this au is my Ultimate Weakness it makes me soft as hell alright

………………….

LETS DIVE IN

okay so your mom has a job that forces your family to move around….. A LOT

and while you’ve gotten used to it for the most part it still sucks having to leave people behind and make completely new friends once every couple of years

this time you’re moving to a new school for your SENIOR YEAR and you’re livid

bc like ??? it’s senior year and you have exactly zero (0) friends since you’re new,,, yet again

you Threw A Fit when you found out but your mom was like shut up you ingrate soon you’ll be in college and won’t even have to worry about it

so you, an ingrate, shut up :/

you move in a month before school starts and the house is nice and your room is cute so that’s a plus !!!!!

you hang up some pictures and organize all your cute little trinkets you’ve collected over the years aw

you’ve even got a lil succulent garden growing on your windowsill

ITS CUTE AS HELL OKAY

alright so you’re gonna go explore around town because you , don’t know where anything is and you wanna find some good spots to hang

you take the bus into the middle of town because who tf is tryna drive themselves amirite ladies

support ur local bus driver

anywhom this isn’t a HUGE town but it’s one of those cute towns where you can pretty much walk anywhere you need to go

(god i wish that were me)

so you spend all day just, walkin

you find a library and pick up some books …….

both for decoration and reading okay

and you find a couple of restaurants and write them down to try later along with some coffee shops and whatnot

eventually you’re tired and prolly a lil sweaty bc it’s summer and you’re outside and ugh

so you find a nice big park and a tree and sit down at the base of it to read and mindlessly sketch things in the margins of your book

whEN OUT OF NOWHERE

someone shouts

“HEY WATCH OUT”

and you look up just in time to dodge a sOCCER BALL HURTLING TOWARDS YOUR FACE

it bounces off the tree and rolls a couple feet away

“uhhhh holy shit” - you

you just kind of sit there astonished for 5 seconds before you get up to get the ball and look around for who saved your LIFE

and there’s boy jogging toward you looking extremely embarrassed

you meet him halfway to hand him the ball and he’s like

“oh mY GOD i’m so sorry i told them to settle down but they never listen to me and jisung just ??? doesn’t know how to not take everything seriously and he lost and got pissed and kicked it and we didn’t even kNOW you were over here and also i’m so sorry”

you smile and tell him it’s fine and hand him the ball

you go to get back to your tree and he’s like hey uh you there uh wait up

god he’s awkward

and you turn around to face him with an expectant look

“so um, what’s your name? i haven’t seen you around here before and like in case i ever gotta make this up to you you know ??”

cute

you tell him your name and stick out your hand to shake and he grabs it very hesitantly and tells you his name is mark

he has , very warm hands and they’re only slightly bigger than yours but that’s still cUTE

MARK HAS BABY HANDS I DARE U TO SAY HE DOESNT

he says he hopes you enjoy your book and he’ll make sure the boys don’t disturb you anymore than they already have

you wave as he goes and he gives you a smile over his shoulder and his cheeks are tinged pink and wOw this boy is a cutie patootie

you go back to your reading but now instead of doodling you’re just writing his name or drawing his big doe eyes or his smooth hands

(((((let’s pretend we’re all good at drawing okay god knows i can’t do much more than a stick figure)))))

the boys leave after an hour or two and you leave pretty soon after then because the sun is setting and you gotta be home for dinner

basically your mom wants to make sure you aren’t kidnapped and/or lost in a new town

which, to be fair, is not that unlikely

you have your headphones in and you’re leaned against the bus window half asleep as you go

bitch wake up youRE GONNA MISS YOUR STOP

it’s the same bus driver who saw you get on and honestly there aren’t a lot of people on the bus so he makes sure you get off

“hey you, girl back there, hEY! this is your stop girly”

you thank him profusely and tip him because uhhhh u gotta get home and like Not Lost

you skip home with your bag of books and miscellaneous items you found at the thrift store!!!

you bought a little figurine of a dragon and she’s beautiful her name is saraphina because why not

that’s completely irrelevant i’m so sorry

i have ADHD

anywhom

you walk in and you’re all like hey momma !!! how goes it !!:3

and your mom is Sus™️ because why are you in such a good mood

and you’re like !!! cause i had a good day okay love u bye i’m going to my rOOM

don’t let her question anymore or else she’ll dig out that you met a Cute Boy

you go to your room and get out all your purchases and organize them while you still have the motivation to do so

and yeah

you use one of the blank notes to start like a lil drawing diary of sorts ???? like just to draw stuff in whenever you’re inspired or you see something pretty

and you definitely saw smth pretty today ;))))))))

hint: ITS MARK

you try to draw him from memory but it doesn’t look quite right and like :(((((( how sad is that what if you don’t even see him again

the rest of the month passes pretty quickly in the same fashion

by now you’ve befriended the bus driver and he tells you all the cool secret nooks and crannies of town for you to go find

he’s also your bff pretty much he always tells you about his daughter and all the cute things she does and you just talk about your life in general and he gives you advice

congrats you’ve unlocked Wise Uncle

he gives you directions to this teeny TINY flower shop where you befriend the old lady who works there by bringing a muffin everytime you go by

she trades you for a seasonal flower and makes a big deal out of tucking it behind your ear herself

basically you find all the cute old people in town and make them your friend because.

THATS CUTE

ADDED BONUS OF LIKE 17 PARENT FIGURES TO GIVE YOU ADVICE

this is accidentally straying into art hoe territory i hope y’all are okay w/ that

school is starting really soon and you’re nervous but also used to this so it doesn’t affect you as bad as normally

also you did meet some people so you aren’t going in with no friends but like, pretty close to no friends

on the first day of school you ride the bus and you see ???? mark ????? on your bus ????????

so you get on and do your daily greeting of the bus driver

his daughter lost her first tooth AW

you fake cry and he says “mood” and you lose it because you’re pushing internet culture onto this unsuspecting middle aged man skdkdkkd

you pat him on the shoulder as you walk back to find a seat but there are none because for some reason the bus is busy this early in the morning ????

you wouldn’t know lmao summer sleep schedule had you up at 10 at the earliest

so you go to stand and hold onto one of the poles in the center

(nearby our boy mark LEE)

mark looks up from his phone

these god damn millennials always on that damn phone

and he sees you and he’s like wHOA what’s up uhhh Soccer Ball Girl

and nice you remembered his name bUT HE DIDNT REMEMBER YOURS

but then he’s like nahhhh just kidding i remember ur name hey y/n !!!

you talk otw to school and find out you’re both seniors at the same school and how you’re excited for sports games and like, GRADUATING

mark keeps trying to offer you his seat but you refuse and he pouts everytime you say no :((((

good god just take the seat look at the sad baby boy :((((((((((((

there is an, occurrence

at one point the bus goes over a bump and you stumble a little and mark reaches up to catch you before you literally fall on him

his hands fly out and grab you by the hips to steady you since he’s sitting and you’re standing and he can’t exactly reach your shoulders sO YEA

or at least that’s his explanation in his head huehuehuehe

his hands linger for MAYBE 10 seconds before he whips them back into his pockets and blushes while you thank him

you: are also blushing

the bus driver: completely did that on purpose

when you get off the bus your Second Dad tells you good luck and pats you on the head and mark is like ???? do you know him

and you’re like yeah that’s my man maurice we’re buds

and he’s like ???? i’ve rode that bus all my life to school and i’m not buds with him wtf :/

“srry you’re not as lovable as me!! jealousy is a disease <3”

and he laughs his dorky laugh

you highkey are smiling so big because this boy is so cute and he’s walking close enough that your shoulders brush every once in a while and he has a silly laugh and AW

as you walk into the school marks group of Boys starts waving him over excitedly and he turns in their direction but then stops when he sees you aren’t following

“hey whatcha doin???”

“well uhhh those are Your Boys you know and i’m, i don’t, really, uh they don’t know me”

“aw cmon they’ll love you!!! look ill just introduce you and if they’re terrible and annoying you can leave”

“........ i gue-“

but he’s already grabbed your hand and is pulling you over to them

“sup fellas this is y/n and she just moved here this year so don’t be too overwhelming.”

the smaller one with the highish voice chimes in

“aww but overwhelming is my only setting”

“then just don’t be yourself, chenle”

“heYYY it’s that girl i almost killed in the park !!! so sorry about that by the way”

he introduces them to you one by one and they all shake your hand

jisung is the one with the big ass yaoi hands and also the one who almost ended your young life

jaemin is the one with pretty smile

jeno is the one with the squishy eyes

renjun is the Art Hoe of the group you can just tell

he’s wearing some got damn overalls you gotta befriend him immediately

donghyuck is the one with beautiful skin and a v high voice you’re highkey like hey but can you dROP THE SKINCARE ROUTINE and he’s like “i just wash my face every day xoxo :*”

you quickly learn who is a piece of shit and who isn’t

you figure out who has classes with you and then set off for the day !!

mark has gym and economics with you but those are after lunch :(((

he squeezes your shoulder before he leaves and says good luck though so you’ll survive

you have art with renjun first and this boy is your bestie already

he’s such a sarcastic shit and he too likes drawing random things and vandalizing school textbooks with artistically correct memes

he also has the AUDACITY

“so, you and mark already ;););)(;);)))”

“i uh don’t know what you mean by that”

“you SO do!!!!! you guys walked into school together everyone probably already thinks you’re a thing”

“oh shit really??? ah i feel so bad”

“is that a bad thing???”

“i mean yeah i’m not tryna Tarnish mark’s reputation”

“that is some self hatred bs he would be lucky to have you !!!!”

“renjun you don’t even know me that well yet”

“i know enOUGH”

you just uhh change the subject which renjun def notices but like

who cares

renjun apparently also goes to the same flower shop as you !!!

you find out because you see him drawing the front of it and you’re like heY i’ve been there my girl edna works there !!!!! she insist i call her grandma tho

and he’s all oh sHIT that’s my girl too !!!!!!

long story short edna is now your shared grandmother

now THAT is some uwu shit

you go about your day and it’s lunchtime and yOU uh don’t know where to sit :(

you see a girl that you met who works at the little coffee shop you like so you set off in her direction and you’re almost there when jeno and jaemin walk up and sling an arm around your shoulder from either side

“hEY BUDDY” -jeno

“SUP SQUIRT” -jaemin

and they start steering you in another direction towards their own table

“god of all nicknames you had to give me sQUIRT”

“yes it’s because you’re cute and small like squirtle”

“that’s a god damn reach if i’ve ever seen one but okay”

you get there and they practically TOSS you into the seat next to mark

he winces and gives you and apologetic pat on the back before starting the conversation

“alright so who actually did the summer reading”

as the table bursts into Absolute Ruckus you just kind of sit back and watch

mark notices you being quiet and while renjun and chenle are arm wrestling he leans over to quietly be like

“hey you doin okay over there? are they too much”

“oh not at all i’m just takin it in lmao”

“yeah that’s understandable. they’re easily the most entertaining group of people you’ll ever meet but also i’ve wanted to strangle every single one of them at least once”

“what are you 30??? you talk about them like you’re their mom”

“i mean someone’s gotta do it”

you and mark talk all throughout lunch and head to gym together since that’s next

exercising right after eating ??? sounds like a GREAT plan thanks so much public school system !!!!

you go to pull out your bag of gym clothes but ??? all you’ve got is shorts ?????

S H I T

you start whining because you’re like aWW i’m gonna get in trouble :(((((

and he’s like here i have like 12 shirts in here because i always bring too many and then leave some when i got soccer practice i gotchu

(he gives you the clean shirt that hasn’t been sitting in his locker <3333 what a guy)

you thank him proFUSELY and then go to the girls locker room to change

the shirt is too big and you don’t wanna look like a Bag so you tie a lil knot in it in the front

you don’t look like a thot tho you just look Cute As Fuck

some girl in the locker room lets you borrow a hair tie and off we go !!!

it’s the first day so everyone literally just stretches and sits around talking

you’ve hashtag LOST mark and you don’t have any friends yet so you’re just chillin talking to the girl who gave you a hair tie because she seems nice and you got nothin better to do

you’re explaining to her how to take care of a succulent /properly/ when mark catches a basketball that was headed right for you yelling a watch it !!!! over his shoulder

he turns to you and giggles a little, nudging your foot with his

“you’re just a danger magnet aren’t you”

“i mean danger is my middle name so”

“uGH get your ass over here away from all those freshman hoodlums who think they can play”

you wave bye to your friend because there’s literal fear in her eyes at the sight of mark ??

you ask her what’s wrong later and she’s like oh it’s not him i just have a crippling fear of boys

(that’s a mood)

you and mark pass a volleyball back and forth and fuck around pretty much all period

this is actually the one (1) sport he isn’t good at thank GOD you were worried he had no flaws

at the end of the class you ask him if he wants his shirt back and he says, and i quote,

“nah you and your thot knot can keep it, looks cuter on you anyways”

you smack his arm for calling you a thot but then thank him anyways for the shirt and for calling you cute :))))))))

econ passes the same way except normal clothing and no sports

although mark does throw a wadded up piece of paper on you that says u want 2 hang w the boys n me after school ? if yes then breathe if no do a backflip

this headass boy

you throw it back so it bounces off his forehead and then nod to confirm you will

you don’t have any of the boys in your last class and you don’t where to meet up so you just kind of loiter by your locker since jeno’s is pretty close to yours and maybe they’ll meet here ????

luckily jisung spots you and is like hey what r u doin here aren’t u hanging with us after school??? cmon

you follow him out to the parking lot where they’re all gathered around jeno and jaemins vehicles because apparently they’re the only ones with actual cars

rip

they start waving too excitedly when they see you and mark smiles all big

wooOOO baby boy already has a crush on you :3

they’ve apparently already decided to go to chenles house because apparently he’s fuckin loaded

you don’t believe that for a sECOND because he’s wearing crocs and an old ass polo shirt but

we’ll see

you mark and renjun ride with jaemin while the Babies ride with jeno since he is able to ignore them being crackheads in the backseat and drive his vehicle without crashing

apparently they’ve cause multiple vehicular accidents ??? possibly the reason renjun doesn’t have a car ???????

who knows

y’all have a blast in jaemins car tho playing tokyo drift from the third fast and furious movie if u haven’t heard that shit plEASE GO LISTEN WHAT A SONG HEHEHHEHHEHE

you pull into this BIG ASS house and you’re like no fucking way dude

and everyone else in the car simultaneously says

“i know right ???”

y’all pull in and go inside and it’s real nice holy SHIT

chenle comes in cackling followed closely be jisung and more sedately by jeno who looks ready to fckin die

you pat him on the shoulder and go you did well, soldier

he salutes solemnly before breaking out into the smile

y’all know the one

you UWU right there on the spot but hold yourself back from poking his cheek and cooing

chenle then SCREECHES and yells

“WHO IS TRYNA PLAY JUST DANCE”

and everyone crowds into his living room

somehow the couch is big enough to fit all of you comfortably that’s fckin impressive

you play just dance for 3 whole ass hours and now you’re Tired and Ready To Go Home

there’s a bus stop nearby and you insist upon walking since jaemin already have you a ride here and you didn’t even have gas money to give him :(((

mark goes to since you have to catch the same bus

you hum as you skip around the sidewalk and he walks behind you smiling fondly while you twirl around

he recognizes the song and whistles along and wow !!!!

Harmony™️

when you get to the stop you’re like 5 mins early

so to entertain yourselves you play rock paper scissors and each time the winner gets to flick the loser on the forehead

mark is a sweet boy so he flicks softly but you go all out

wouldn’t be surprised if he had a bruise tmrw girly u need to chill

you sit on the bus together when it arrives since there’s actually room now and he slumps down low until his head is pretty much rested on your shoulder

(our man maurice sees and is like GET IT GIRL but only so you notice and you make threatening hand motions at him)

you’re not sure if he’s asleep so you stay extra still just in case

and no one needs to know you rested your cheek on top of his head

but when it gets to your stop you’re like mark? mark lee??? mork ???? wake up ??? and you nudge him a little with your shoulder and he sits up and rubs his eyes aW

he slow blinks at you and goes

“hm?”

and you’re like i uh gotta go now

and he’s like :/// okay i’ll see you tomorrow and stands up and gives you a half hug before you go

maurice is DYING in the front you’re going to kill him

you walk home with a smile on your face and again your mom is suspicious of your good mood but you’re like aw it’s nothin just had a good day at school made lots of friends !!!!!!

as summer turns into fall you make more friends but you mostly hang out with the boys because they’re funny and nice to you and also Mark is there and we love our boy

you guys all attend football games together and go absolutely ALL OUT for whatever the theme is

for example: the theme was halloween and you all dressed as god damn SMURFS

it was legendary there was not one bit of you all that wasn’t covered in blue paint

jisung almost fought some girl who thought he was from the movie Avatar until everyone was like jisung cHILL OUT ITS NOT HER FAULT YOURE VERY TALL AND COMPLETELY BLUE

and well

can’t argue with that

it gets chillier though so you all bring blankets and cuddle most of the games

all of the boys suspiciously aren’t cold at first until you and mark share a blanket

they’re so obvious GOD

with each time y’all share you get more relaxed around each other until eventually mark has one arm slung around you and your legs are hooked over one of his thighs while y’all Snuggle

renjun waggles his eyebrows at you every five minutes and you discreetly give him the finger every time

little ASSHOLE

college applications are due like. right now

you all apply to a nice university close by as a backup/safe place and then apply to more brazy places just to see if you can get in

everyone’s been real stressed lately so you’re like !!!!! hey imma throw a friendsgiving party !!! yeehaw !!!!!!!!!

and you invite all of them over

“everyone bring smth and i’ll bake a ham or smth,,, i swear to GOD if all of you show up with store-bought pumpkin pie. i will kill you and then myself”

“what’s with you and pumpkin pie?”

“jUST. don’t”

((((srry i’m projecting my hatred of pumpkin pie onto u reader heheehehheh))))

everyone comes over and it’s really chilly so you have a fire in the fireplace and you have a couple of your gal pals over too

your mom is nice enough to leave y’all alone for the night and she’s not hurt since it’s not real thanksgiving

we stan moms

you bring out the ham and someone has brought green beans and mark ,,,, tHAT ANGEL he brought cornbread stuffing do y’all know what i’m talking abt

OOO THAT STUFF IS GOOD

and there’s sweet potatoes and apple pie and all the Thanksgiving Essentials

jisung wanted to be a dick so he brought cranberry jelly

“why don’t you have some:) cranberry preserves:) , jisung” -you, every 30 seconds

everyone sits down to eat and it’s LOUD so you’re like shut UP !!!!!!!!!!

“every1 say smth ur thankful for :3333”

“my family !!!!”

“you guys <3”

“awW BOOO” - everyone, while throwing things at jaemin

“my life !!”

“that i’m happy”

“gay” -chenle

“minecraft”

anyways no one took it seriously until it got to mark

“i’m grateful y/n moved here :))))))”

everyone goes KSKDDIDI and you blush and you’re like okay ily mark JSKKD

everyone EATS A LOT and then you go sit in a pile in the living room

you go to make hot chocolate for everyone and when you come back it’s , interesting how there’s only room for you next to mark . hm

you pass out the hot chocolate and everyone reaches Maximum Sleepytime

at this point you’re too tired to give a fuck and you just flop onto the couch next to mark and curl up into his side

he puts his arm around you to pull you close and this mf presses a tiny barely there kiss to your temple

you look up and like talk with your eyes

did u just

i did

oh

yeah

and then you just settle back down

it’s too crowded in here for any Moves to be Made

bUT YALL BEST BELIEVE WHEN ALL THESE YOUNGINS GET OUT UR HOUSE

you’ve got the karate kid on bc ??? who doesn’t love the karate kid and all of your cutie friends are asleep in various places

but once it gets super late you start waking people up and going hey i love you but your mom called mine like 8 times you gotta gO

you make sure everyone is awake fully if they’re driving and to text you when they got home safe

at long last

you’re alone

in your house

with mark

actually where is mark

mark has disappeared ?????

you start looking around for him and find him in your room ???

“you snoopin thru my things ??!?!??”

he jumps and is like uHH but you’re like nah you’re fine idc

so he continues and he was really just lookin at what kind of books you have and the little drawings and paintings and knick knacks everywhere

you just sit on your bed and observe him

let’s be real he’s nice to look at and you’d be perfectly fine doing this for uhhh the rest of your life

he pulls a book off your shelf and starts flipping through it until he pauses at a page

and his face blooms into this big smile and he looks hella giddy

and you’re like uhh hey whatcha lookin at there bud

and he just keep smiling and it’s a little smug now wtf

“when were you reading this?”

“oh uh i don’t know i got it this summer at that cute little bookshop”

“was it, by chance, the day we met?”

“i mean maybe??? why ????”

and he shows you the page and it’s tHAT oNE WHERE YOU WERE DOODLING BITS OF HIM AND WRITING HIS NAME ALL OVER IT

FUCK !!!!!!!

you immediately turn tomato red and snatch the book in to hold it tightly to your chest

“uhhh i do that with uhhhh eVerYONE I MEET”

“aw i thought i was special:((((”

he’s creeping closer to you this whole time until he’s INCHES AWAY

he gently pulls the book out of your hands and places it aside before grabbing your wrists and uncrossing your arms

“personally, i think it’s really cute”

you blush even more this man knows what he’s doing

you mumble a thanks with your eyes trained on his fuzzy socks what a dork

he releases one of your wrists to push your chin up so he can look you in the eyes

“do you really do that with everyone you meet?”

“,,,,,,, no it’s just you”

“alright cool”

and then he wraps his arms around your waist to pull you close til you’re pressed together chest to chest AW

he nudges his nose against yours and you close your eyes because your god daMN HEART IS POUNDING AND YOU CANT LOOK DIRECTLY INTO THOSE BIG PUPPY EYES

he presses the sweetest and gentlest of kisses to each cheek and then to the top of your nose

he presses one last lingering kiss on your forehead before he tilts his chin down to press your lips together

it’s so soft and innocent wow i’m going to SHED TEARS WRITING THIS

and he pulls away and you press your face into his neck in embarrassment

he chuckles a lil and rubs your back, leaning his cheek against your head

“hey, you down there”

you say “yeah?” but your voice is muffled by his neck and it’s more like eh ???

“my girlfriend y/n will you be ???”

what the fuck

you pull your head back so you can look at his face which is turning steadily redder

“uh what”

“shIT uh i meant will you uh bemygirlfriend”

your confused expression turns into a shit eating grin and you’re like

“what was that :)))) i didn’t hear you :)))))”

he groans and rests his forehead on your shoulder and pitifully whines out

“please be my girlfriend :(((((“

you pick his face up and hold it between your palms and he pouts playfully

“well how could i say no to that face”

and you smooch him right on those lil pouted lips

“yes i’ll be your girlfriend”

he smiles real big and smooshes you against him aw

wow so now you’re mark lee’s gf

LUCKY BITCH

lowkey you get a few threats but as soon as mark catches wind of that he stands on the statue in front of the school and announces that if anyone has a problem with you they’ve got a problem with him !!!!

and he looks like: ᕦ(ò_óˇ)ᕤ

you drag him down while apologizing to everyone in the general vicinity

mark is. veRY CLINGY NOW

i mean no complaints here it’s just

wow

you’ll be standing at your locker when BAM mark is wrapped around you from behind and you get a hey baby how’s ur day right in your ear

in gym class he restrains himself since the coaches are always like LEE KEEP YOUR HANDS TO YOURSELF

but he always whines after and is like

:((((( but you look so cute in my shirt i wanna squish you

whenever mark comes over you force him to let you draw him at least once

each time it gets easier since you’ve started to memorize the details of his face and the knuckles of his hands and the shape of his shoulders

a lot of times he just comes over to watch movies and talk

he’s not an eloquent guy

(“you all look like pretty grass :)))” - mark lee)

but he gets what he needs to say out and he enjoys listening to you talk about whatever’s on your mind

you’ve started a glow in the dark star sticker collection to put on your ceiling and each time he comes over you put a constellation up there

so you’ll lay in bed and turn off the lights and just stare at the ceiling and try to name them all

soon you’ll just get sleepy though and press your face into his chest

he uwu’s every time :((((

after he’s done being astonished by his Baby™️ he’ll wrap his arms around you and stroke a hand up and down your spine wow

Real Relaxation Hours

your mom will come home and find y’all asleep and then SHE uwu’s and it’s just one big cute MESS

he loves to kiss you right as he’s leaving like he’ll lay one on you then RUN to the bus stop

p.s. maurice is on y’all every day saying he called it AY

his other favorite kisses are when he catches you off guard and just turns you around and kisses you and you’re like

I’m Confused But I Like This

lots of sweet pecks throughout the day and then longer slower stuff when you’re home and alone and relaxing

leaves hickeys on your neck literally just to be annoying

it’s oKAY THO DONT TELL HIM YOU LIKE IT

months pass and youve said your first “i love you’s” to each other and renjun is always like so when y’all gettin married huh

you both SMACK him simultaneously

but lowkey you would marry mark he’s the best and you love him so wHY NOT

but it’s early and you know that and you’re happy with what you have now :))))))

pls love and support our hardworking baby mark lee he is doing his best and i love him goodnight

[sakurabaneku]

anime expo was soooooooooo much and it was so hot and overwhelming (and yes, crowded) but i had so much fun! under the cut because i sure do talk a lot

i knew ax was big but WHOA OK its on a whole nother level!! i dont think i even saw the entirety of the convention center and i didnt even step into the jw! wow ok! i was really worried about it being overwhelming and everyone being too busy to.. be friendly i guess but that wasnt really a problem!! everyone was really friendly, especially at the meets!! the ff meet was on the hottest day of the weekend and it was overcrowded and difficult to get things organized but everyone was still friendly and talkative and looking out for each other in that wild heat!! SHOUT OUT TO THE ZACK FAIR PHOTOBOMBING THE SHOOT BY DOING SQUATS IN THAT HEAT!! you really are a hero, zack fair. you really are.

speaking of the heat, idk how i survived in noctis all day in.. 106 or something degree weather but i loveloveLOVED being him!! it was worth the suffering!!!! one of my favorite costumes ive done so far i think and i got so many super nice comments from people on it and waah! also got arrested by the thot patrol and shoved into the ballpit by ardyn and ik ive already posted pics but that was fun. i didnt take nearly enough shitty meme pictures honestly. smh. I DIDNT GET A PICTURE OF ME GETTING FRIENDZONED BY LUNAFREYA which happened. noctis did a heart hand luna thumbs up’d. rip noctis. 

cosplaying kingdom hearts is always a really fun time and im kinda glad i didnt finish riku in time bc kairi was a godsend of a costume. so comfortable. bless. and i just love being her!! im glad i brought my pins back to give out, everyone had the CUTEST reactions!! a sora also tossed me a little paopu fruit as he walked by which was really sweet and its soft and adorable!! 

it was also the first time i wore bakura which was uhhhh and experience and that costume didnt make it home in one piece lol i really didnt feel great in it but i still had some fun!! littlekuriboh complimented it lol so like, my inner 10 year old can die happy! 

i think the thing that really made this con was the people!! rooming with sharon, janice and emma was like, the best, chillest hotel room and i hadnt seen any of them in EONS i miss u guys come back to cali soon!!!! and meeting angel and aj was really nice and i had a lot of fun hanging out with them and also going to dennys at midnight in cosplay. andrew and jesse are local friends so i see them a lot but it was still fun hanging out with them at the con! they braved the outdoors to meet up with me at the ff shoot. brave souls. 

i met a lot of real cool new people too, and people id seen once or twice before at cons and got to spend more time with and everyone was just! really nice!! and fun to talk to!! hopefully the people i met felt the same about me and i didnt annoy anyone or talk anyones ear off.. too much cause i sure do that my apologies if i was the biggest pest in the universe!!! 

ALSO SPENT A LOT OF TIME IN ARTIST ALLEY LOL.. someone was selling ffxv omanjuus so i got a prompto and a noctis!! omanjuus are my absolutest favoritest kind of merch ever. im so happy. actually i mostly just bought xv merch for myself... OOPS i got some cute sorikai tho!!! i got more stickers for my travel sketchbook :3 

AND!!!!! AND I GOT TO PLAY KH3 DEMO!!!! the lines were capped for most of the weekend... except for when i walked by and one of the booth employees went “PSST HEY GUYS, WANNA PLAY KINGDOM HEARTS 3?” hells yeah. uh, i know some people dont wanna see details about kh3 until they actually play it and idk if anyones actually READING this but im gonna talk about the demo so like.. leave now if u dont wanna see any of that

the gameplay!! was so good!! it was so FAST and smooth and intuitive! but it was creative and cool and you can switch keyblades in combat and the attraction attacks are SO CUTE! theres something so emotionally satisfying about killing things with the tea cups. you could play olympus and/or toy story world if you had time to do both in the 15 minutes you got (i finished toy story and almost finished olympus!) the toy story world was so cute!! TOY SORA IS THE MOST ADORABLE and fighting in the mechs was actually really fun!! the cutscenes were included for toy story but there were 7 minutes of cutscene so i skipped it rip. there’s nothing new that hasnt been seen in trailers and stuff yet but it was super fun to actually play it!! it’s a lot like bbs/ddd gameplay but a lot better and idk, im not an expert in gamedev but it just felt like combat had a good.. flow to it and its a million lightyears away from the clunky gameplay of kh1!!!! ITS COME SO FAR!! IM PROUD! and also it just feels like its a REAL CONCRETE thing thats actually happening now that ive actually gotten a chance to play it for real. kh3 isnt fake yall. wow. wow. 

ANYWAY. THAT WAS A LOT OF TALKING AND I FEEL LIKE THERES A HUNDRED MORE THINGS I WANNA SAY it was a good weekend. im very tired. im so sad its over. idk when my next con is but im hoping mayyybe ala???? maybe????????? we’ll see! other than that uhhh i really just have disneyland planned so... i guess its time to actually finish riku for the halloween party.

[ellygoesnyooom]

RFA (You can skip Jaehee) + V + Saeran seeing MC asleep for the first time. Thank you~ ^^

Sorry for the wait, anon! I hope you enjoy!

Yoosung

It was early in your relationship with him

The two of you were watching an animal documentary together because lets be honest he probably loves them

He was sitting up with his feet propped up on the coffee table, and you were sprawled out with your feet resting in his lap

You would make comments about the narrator’s voice, and mimic the dramatic voice during commercials, making Yoosung laugh\

He noticed that your comments were starting to die down, but he thought it was just because you were starting to get really into it

He needed to use the bathroom, so he asked you to move your feet, but you don’t respond

Finally, he looks over and finds you asleep

Poor boi doesn’t know what to do, leave you sleep or move you feet for you bc he has to pee

He wants to sit and just watch you sleep, but he doesn’t know if that is weird or not, and his bladder is threatening to overflow

Finally he gently moves your feet and runs quickly to the bathroom. When he comes back you are sitting up, rubbing your eyes with a big yawn. “Sorry, I must have fallen asleep. Did I miss anything?”

Boi tackles you in cuddles bc you are just so cute, and you accept them, albeit confusedly

Lets just say he forgot the documentary

Zen

It was late, and zen wasn’t home from rehearsal yet

You told him you would wait up for him until he got home, but the minute arm was ticking closer and closer to midnight, and he still wasn’t home

You tried to keep yourself busy by cleaning, but sleepiness was quickly overtaking you, so you opted to just sit on your phone on the couch with some tv show on as background noise

When zen got home a little while later, you had slumped over onto your side on the armrest, your phone dropped on the floor, fast asleep

He didn’t know what to do, take you to bed or just let you sleep

If he picked you up and carried you, you may wake up, and he doesn’t want to do that because you look so peaceful. But that position couldn’t be comfortable at all…

Poor man had an internal battle standing in front of you sleeping, but one choice finally won

He took his jacket off and went over to you, pocketing your phone and lifting you up gently

“Don’t worry, my princess, your Knight in Shining Armor is back, and here to see you off to a deep sleep~” He cooed when your eyes peeked open and looked up

He tucked you in and briefly left to change, then crawled into bed beside you, determined to not let you sleep alone tonight

Jumin

He had promised to be done with his work early, but every time you went into his office to ask if he was done, he shooed you, telling you he would be done shortly

That shortly turned into hours, until the moon was high in the sky, and you were curled up on the bed watching something on the tv dejectedly

You must have dozed off, because when you opened your eyes, jumin was sitting on the edge of the bed, eyes tired but gazing at you intently. “Oh, MC, I’m sorry, did I wake you?”

“No, I was awake.” “No, you weren’t, MC. You were sleeping soundly. You even snored. It was cute.” gdi jumin thats not weird at all

“I apologize for brushing you off so often today. I wanted to spend some time with you, but work piled up. Can you forgive me?”

Of course you could, but you wanted to tease him, so you pouted sleepily at him. “Only if you come to bed with me tonight~”

“MC, I’m sorry, I don’t know if I could-” You laughed, and it melted his heart seeing your smile and hearing your soft laughter. “I was joking, Jumin. Of course I can forgive you.”

“Though, I would love to see you sleep again. You looked so peaceful and beautiful asleep with the moonlight falling on you, it made me feel tired, as well. Maybe I could sleep beside you tonight, yes.”

Jumin come on just sleep next to them oml no need to be a creeper

707/Saeyoung

Okay, he had seen you sleep before, but that was before he openly admitted his feelings for you

Before, he refused to look at you sleeping in the bed for longer than he needed, trying to push his feelings back down and deny them

So, the first night you moved into his bunker and went to sleep, he just sat up and watched you for a while

He still couldn’t believe that you liked him, wanted to be with him

This was the first time seeing you sleep next to him after he accepted you, and he never felt happier than he did then

You looked beautiful asleep, and it made his heart swell

His eyes traced every dip and curve of your body underneath the sheets, and he took joy in the little breaths that escaped you as you slept

Whenever you moved, he would hold his breath, watching

Once, you moved to face him, and your arms wrapped around him and you rested your head on his chest before your breathing returned to normal

He stared down at you with wide eyes for a while, heart pounding

Finally, he smiled and gently brought you closer, pressing a kiss to the top of your head before sliding down to rest his head on the pillow and shutting the light off. “Good night, MC.”

V

He went out to take some pictures, leaving you home alone for the day

You had wanted to go, but opted to stay home to clean up

Around the middle of the day, a storm came around. You took a break to open the windows and listen to the thunder for a while, settling down on the couch and shutting your eyes

When you opened them again, V was standing above you, camera pointed at you and a small smile on his lips

He looked drenched, little drops of water slipping down strands of his hair and falling to the floor, but there he was, taking a photo of you asleep. “Oh, MC. I’m sorry- I’m not being creepy or anything, I promise. You just… looked so beautiful. I’ve never seen you asleep before. I needed to get a photo.”

You quickly got up and gave him a hug, ignoring his damp clothing and dripping hair.

“Welcome home, V! Did you get any good photos before it started to rain?”

His eyes lit up as he started to talk about the photos he got of the clouds as they came in, and showed you the photos he took while out

Your heart was just so full, you loved this man more than anything in that moment

Saeran

You had never spent the night at the Choi residence, not ever

But, you insisted that you wanted to. “It’ll be fun, Saeran! It’s only one night! I’ll sleep on the couch, don’t worry, we don’t need to sleep together!”

After a lot of persuasion, he gave in. “Only for one night”

He dreaded the night at first, but quickly found himself having fun with you

You made both of the boys dinner despite their whines for you not to, and then sat out with Saeran in the living room while the two of you watched movies until late

It was maybe 1:30am, and you were quickly fading. He, on the other hand, was engrossed in the movie. You weren’t even sure what it was about

I’ll just rest my eyes, no problem! Or so you thought

Saeran looked over to see if you were enjoying the movie, and was shocked to find you asleep

“Jeez, was it that boring?”

He turned the movie off and was just going to leave you asleep there, but something told him to make sure you were comfortable

He grabbed you a blanket and carefully laid it over top of you, even tucking you in a little. Not too much, but just a little

He turned the lights off except for the kitchen light so you could see, and then came back to you

He hesitated before going back to you and crouching down to press a quick kiss to your cheek and murmur a quick “good night” before rushing to his room

Little did he know though that you were awake the whole time, and you spent the next half hour trying to calm your heart bc cuTE

[terryblycute]

2020

overall this year was bad. bad, just like any other, how its always been, so nothing special. im writing this because my memory is getting worse and worse, and im sick of not remembering

corona lowkey annoying cuz i couldnt visit my friends on new years eve, but other than that everythings the same. on a positive note i didnt have to work as much either, and on a negative note i didnt get as much money. but thats alright.

((rude, unempathetic rant incoming. i know what im about to say is stupid but its my feelings and i want to talk about it regardless. if anyones reading, skip this)) what HAS been bothering me the most about corona is all the „2020 bad“ memes and people legitimately complaining about it. cuz like... nothing has changed. every year is horrible. it always has been. every year innocent people die, and nobody can do anything about it. of course i feel horrible for the people who lost their income/housing or family members because of it, and they have all the rights to complain... but lets be honest. none of the people i talk to were affected in any way by it. and the majority of people i hear talking about it havent lost their family/friends or homes to it either. its just a mild inconvenience to them, not being able to party without being arrested or seeing their friends or some shit. boo hoo, im alone all the time and never see any of my friends either and at this point im completely love & touch starvated regardless of corona. get over it

so... corona things out of the way, ive started thinking about my mental illnesses & trauma... A LOT. ive never thought about it all that much, because critical thinking is not something im able to do, usually. ive been reading lots of comix of people talking about/depicting mental illness, so i guess that kind of inspired and changed something in me, if i like it or not.

well, it turns out there is a shitton to unpack. i mean, ive always known there is so much wrong with me... but i was never really aware, if that makes sense. im still in the dark about most things, but its all coming together, little by little. i dont want to put my finger on anything, because im dumb, but at this point im 100% sure autism/aspergers isnt the only thing i got. far from it, in fact.

ive also learned that a lot of things in my life have left me with genuine, significant trauma, which ive never really realized before. i just thought the way i react to some things is cuz im, yknow... a whiny bitch. to name a few things:

me getting defensive/snappy when people of „authority“ (family, caretakers, doctors) ask me if im tired, how late i went to bed etc bc it is indirectly tied to why i was forced into psychiatry & the abuse i had to suffer there

fight or flight response activating when people talk about being in support of outdoor cats (i dont even want to fucking elaborate. tl;dr: my cat was almost killed by outdoor cat people and would be dead now if i hadnt gotten my shit together and worked hard on getting my own apartment, where he is safe. ive recieved no support & only been demonized during this time). this is a genuine fucking trigger

my rocky relationship with my mother and my thoughts about her, who is a genuinely good person, but managed to fuck me over, rip my entire ass apart and ruin my life regardless. also her lowkey restrictive/controlling upbringing stunting me for life

my huge, life-impairing abandonment issues. i dont even know where they come from, all i ever experienced were regular breakups & rejections with no hard feelings that just hit me especially hard for no reason i guess

how i cannot bear to be alone in a discord voice channel waiting for people to join & my stunted ability to talk to people when im alone with them (i got actively excluded by my best friends for being suicidal & a downer, they created a discord voice channel i couldnt see & didnt have access to for them to be without me, all while i was waiting all day long alone in our regular channel for someone to join me, in the same server)

relatedly, my inability to talk about my problems & mental illnesses with them. is also related to the cat incident

also my inability to show affection ever since my best friend stopped telling me „i love ya“

nothing else i can think of rn

i also realized that something is fundamentally, objectively wrong with me. i cant really talk about it... but the actions of one of my friends made it clear to me. it was proof that, somehow, im imbued with the horrifying essence of some eldritch lovecraftian horror being, repulsing everyone without them even realizing, unable of being loved. and its just... this knowledge, its too heavy to bear, for a single human being. i dont know what to do. i will have to live with this for the rest of my life - and i cant do anything about it.

ive also reconnected with an old friend over animal crossing, who introduced me to some other old friends (they were more like aquaintances back then, really), and in one of them ive found a friend for life, pretty much. but theyre all great, really.... i seriously appreciate that. they took my mind off my other best friend, whos been kind of ignoring my needs, resulting in me having panic attacks every day.

also, im making more of an effort to talk to & reply to the people i care about, cuz i have this friend who would chat me up every now and then, without me ever messaging him, just for me to ignore him for a couple hours cuz im too tired/busy/whatever... so at one point i was like „wait, what am i doing? hes one of the few friends who actually makes an effort, and i really care about this bitch!!“, so i went ahead and got my shit together, as best as i can at least (depressions still a bitch but im trying)

one last thing i wanna talk about... my view on life. this is gonna be huge, i think. big trigger warning for suicide stuff & other negative shit

im suicidal. always have been. thats not a secret, everyone who knows how to read between the lines (i cant, but most people do) can see that. sometimes you dont even have to, cuz im telling you outright. i usually dont talk about this openly though, not to my friends at least, cuz people only put up with suicidals for so long, and i cant afford to lose anyone else... ahem. anyways, something changed in the way i see suicide. when i was younger, i wanted to die because the pain i had to bear was just too great. there was no hope. and its still true - the pain is unbearable. i am in pain every waking moment. i have been for almost 11 years now. there is no joy, there is no happiness, there is only distraction.

however, thats not the reason i wanna die anymore. i think think that if i put in effort, i think i could be... not in pain, all the time anymore. but, heres the thing: i dont want to. im too tired, im too broken. i dont want to change, and i dont want anyone else to change. now i just want to die, for the sake of it. because i love death, with all of my heart. i think death is the best thing that could happen, to anyone. i 100% believe death is the only thing that will save you, ever. i am not exaggerating when i say „i love death“. and to live, without having the means to safely & efficiently kill myself... its destroying me. i get panic attacks every week thinking about it. what if someone else leaves me? im not gonna take it anymore, i refuse to. i refuse to keep suffering, but to end my suffering once and for all i have to die. i really, truly hate living... it just really isnt for me. and thats okay, im fine with it, im fine with dying - its what i want, its my choice, its my destiny - and i love this destiny. i wouldnt want it any other way - to kill myself, or be killed, thats how i want to go. i just need someone to help me. idk where im going with this, so lets move onto my next point:

my worldview. so.. im not sure when this all started. was it 2020? or 2019? maybe it started to dawn on me even earlier, i dont really know, but its been really intense in 2020. the way i view the world & life has changed drastically (or rather, formed, ive never really thought about it that much before). my mom has made it clear to me that you could be a genuinely good, loving person... and still fuck up your kid for life. and this is why i came to the conclusion that good parents, who dont fuck up their children irreversibly... they dont exist. the moment youre born into this world, youre doomed. there is no one who doesnt suffer, there is no one who doesnt want to die - and if they tell you they dont, they either just dont know yet or are in denial. if there is ANY chance of someone growing up to suffer just like i do - it is not worth it. irresponsible, even - to bring a kid into this world. and, the way the world is, and continues to be, there will never be the chance for someone to never suffer like me. which is why i dont think children should be born into this world, ever. and it fucks with me - it fucks with me so bad.

...happy mew year, everynyan

[leaughrilke]

how do the kiddos/Lena and kara react to the bad relationship Maia is in?

like..........not well.  like they react v well for her, in that they’re supportive and caring and do all the right stuff but it also tears them apart

not as in the family is torn apart, like they still are v much a family and v much a unit, but it rips kara and lena apart and it eats at finn and stella bc they all feel like they could have done more??  noticed before it got so bad, been more present

but basically maia is feeling v overlooked and forgotten abt, like classic middle child where she feels like stella’s the baby and finn’s the prodigal son and she’s just.......there??  like she feels like she’s the Angry One or whatever, not anything to be proud of.  but she’s not one to ever be forthright with her feelings??  like fuck that, she’s going to bottle that shit up so you never know the real reason for her getting upset.  so she’s feeling weird with her family, right??  and she’s in kind of a vulnerable place bc of it, always feeling like the black sheep, always feeling like a bit of a burden and high school is weird and everything is Weird, thats like the best way to put it.  maia’s in a state of flux, where she’s not the kiddo that anyone is expecting to go into the superhero business but she’s the one that desperately wants to (like stella will want to later, but rn??  its all maia) but no one acknowledges it bc she never says it

a lot of her problems are rooted in miscommunication tbh like she’ll just........not say anything but be like stewing over it for months ya feel?

so she’s feeling Weird and starts acting out a little, starts letting her grades drop and starts missing curfew and like that sort of puts a bit of a wedge between her and her family, bc her moms are like??  where is this coming from??  and her siblings are trying to talk to her but maia’s started looking at the world like it’s me vs everyone else so she shuts them out, refuses to talk to them abt anything important.  so there’s this distance btwn her and the rest of the family, this uncomfortable tension btwn her and her moms and it only feeds into this Weirdness more, leads maia to make more Bad decisions like cutting class to hang out more with these kids she met at the skate park over the summer and its rlly nice??  like she feels heard, feels validated and like her friends from school are nice, are rlly good, but they sort of are like??  it sucks you feel bad but your moms do love you??  talk to them abt this maybe??  and maia’s like lol no, just spends more time with the ppl that are validating her feelings, not asking her to analyze anything, just letting her be

and she has rlly intense chemistry with this one boy in the group??  like its immediate and maia’s dated a little bit but she’s p intense, scares ppl off p often but this boy isnt intimidated, seems to see right through her, seems to see that she’s angry bc she’s scared of a lot, that she’s not as hard and sharp as she acts

and he likes her and she likes him so they get together and maia feels so normal??  like for a hot second she just feels like a regular kid and its so addictive that feeling, she’s not willing to give it up.  and her bf is so sweet at first, texts her a couple times a day and calls her after school and brings her snacks when they meet up at the park

i’m putting this under the cut bc the subject matter can be v triggering, pls check the tags and pls pls pls dont read this if any of the warnings apply to you.  be safe, i love you

and then, bc it starts so calmly, so carefully, she doesnt rlly worry when it starts to change, when he starts telling her that she’s exhausting, that her negativity is killing him.  like??  she already thinks that abt herself, knows she’s intense and moody and angry more often than she’s not, knows she’s a lot to handle, already thinks she’s too Much.  so she changes a little, stops venting to him, starts bottling it up again.  then its him blaming her for arguments they have, so she tries hard to not start any.  then its demanding that she text him back immediately, even when he’s texting her hundreds of times in a day, so she starts keeping her phone on her at all times.  then its this, then its that and through it all, maia’s getting a little smaller, a little quieter, a little Less.  she’s trying to fit herself into the box he’s drawing around her and she’s not happy with it but she loves him, right??  and he loves her??  he’s the only one that rlly understands her, he’s the only one that rlly cares how she’s feeling, even if sometimes he’s too upset with his own stuff to listen to her, even if sometimes he makes fun of her in front of their friends even when she tells him it makes her uncomfortable

and she hides this all from her moms for a long time, makes up excuses for why she’s missing family dinners and movie nights, says she’s just stressed, just tired.  she avoids finn bc he’s always known her tells, avoids stella bc her little sister can literally see into ppl’s minds and she doesnt know why, but she doesnt want ppl to know abt her relationship.  she avoids lena bc lena’s got this knack for figuring out when her kids are keeping secrets, avoids kara bc kara believes so wholeheartedly in her that it makes her feel set on edge.  she keeps skipping school until it becomes a Problem, until the school calls her moms but they’re both in the middle of something, miss the call, so they call Emergency Contact #1 aka alex and alex is like ???  wtf like maia’s a bit of a hothead sometimes but she’s not reckless necessarily, especially when it comes to school, so she goes to campus, sees maia’s car and is like mmmmmm this is Wrong.  so when maia comes back at the end of the day, alex is sitting on the hood of her car and is like hey.  we’re going to talk.

and maia’s like.......rlly sensitive??  like somewhere deep down, she knows there’s something off about the situation, that’s why she’s so desperate to hide it, but she’s not like conscious of it, she just gets rlly defensive, gets rlly prickly, and she’s not great at hiding it when she’s displeased or upset but its so muted when alex confronts her and that, in of itself, is a giant fucking red flag bc maia should like??  be arguing, getting irritated like maia weirdly takes after alex in a lot of respects and alex Knows something’s wrong.  so she kind of drops it bc maia’s just giving her this look like she’s begging her not to press too hard

like obviously alex doesnt Drop It, she just backs off maia directly for a bit, goes over her head to kara and lena and they’re like SHIT this makes a lot of things make sense and its like, ok, we can handle this

FALSE

maia reacts v badly when her moms sit her down to like.....gently ask what the fuck is happening.  like there’s a lot sort of just simmering below the surface, like her bf has been rlly difficult recently and she’s stressed abt that and she’s angry that alex found out, that alex told her moms, she’s angry that she’s getting called on it, that it feels like the only time she gets attention is when she’s fucked up, and it all comes to a head during this one moment.  like.  it’s the worst fight any of the kiddos have ever had with their moms.  like maia’s full out screaming at them and they’re just completely caught off guard bc there’s usually some lead up??  something that builds to a meltdown but nope, not this time, she goes zero to one hundred in a blink and stella and finn are just like hunkered down upstairs, staring at each other like HOLY SHIT maia never yells at moms like that

like its awful, terrible but it kind of makes things better for a while??  like maia screams it all out, her anger, her feeling of being left out, how hurt she feels sometimes, all the things that she’s never let her moms know and then its kind of like.  oh.  its over now.

and things get a little better after that??  maia takes the inevitable grounding with no argument, but that is like......Another Problem.  like maia without any fight??  with no indignant anger???  that’s a maia that none of them have ever encountered and it sets everyone on edge, how quiet maia is, how small she makes herself.  but there’s no like??  cause as far as anyone but maia can see.  so her moms are a bit more careful with her, her siblings are a little more gentle, kara and lena go out of their way to arrange things to do with maia on her own, to make sure she feels seen and included but by this point, her boyfriend’s been filling her head with really toxic shit, feeding into her venting and solidifying the idea that she’s less than her siblings in someway, so even their best efforts are shrugged off.  maia has a million excuses prepped and ready for why she can’t make it to the planetarium with lena, why she has to miss stella’s soccer game, why she turns kara down when she offers to go flying, just the two of them.  she’s become a great liar, really, was always a little clumsy with out and out lies when she was a child but now she’s almost as good as stella

speaking of stella.  she sees him first.  in maia’s mind, when she finally shows up to family game night and finn shouts a little bc they’re playing monopoly and maggie just bought the property he wanted and maia doesnt so much flinch as she does freeze for one, nearly imperceptible moment and stella sees this face, this boy in maia’s mind but he’s smiling??  and she brushes it off at the moment, but it nags at her for a while until she’s asked maia to help braid her hair for her seventh grade dance and they’re up in maia’s room, out of lena’s hearing and kara’s out on a supergirl mission so stella sort of asks are you dating anyone?  and there’s that freeze again, that moment and stella feels the dilemma as maia navigates it, as she decides if she should lie when stella will definitely be able to tell, and then finally maia says kind of quietly yeah, i am and then stella’s asking for details, when’d they meet, does he go to school with maia, when is she going to introduce him to the family and maia just shuts her down.  switches subjects in a manner that is v final and stella’s not going to push, she’s never been one to push

but now maia’s thinking about it and there’s no way stella’s going to be able to keep this a secret from their moms for very long, so she bites the bullet, tells them in a v blunt way

quite literally walks into the kitchen one morning and is like hey.  im dating someone and then just runs out the room before anyone can say anything else

so obviously kara and lena are like ???  ok!!  we wanna meet them!!  invite them over for dinner!!  and maia’s like SHIT i didnt think this through but she cant tell them no straight out without them being like why, whats going on, so she says she’ll invite him and so she mentions it to her bf the next time she sees him and he’s like Upset and Hurt that she wants to burst their little bubble, but he “loves her enough to meet her family” (said with a sigh and a glare that has maia shrinking, apologizing)

so he comes round for dinner and stella’s the one that gets to the door before maia, that pulls it open to meet her sister’s mystery man and she immediately gets a bad vibe from him.  like straight off the bat, she looks him up and down and is like No but then maia’s pushing her to the side and pulling him into the house and stella’s just sort of standing there like This is Wrong, I Dont Like This, just trails them after a moment, follows them into the kitchen where everyone’s doing the whole meet n greet thing, the Boyfriend is presenting the flowers he brought and keeping one hand around maia’s waist and he’s shaking hands with finn and smiling all wide and bright and smug, as if he’s already won something and all stella can hear from maia is please like him please like him please like him which wouldn’t be super weird???  but there’s this intense desperation behind it that sets stella on edge

so when she gets the chance, when finn’s chatting with maia and her bf, stella pulls her moms into the kitchen and tells them what she feels, that something is Wrong.  and like???  she doesnt have the words for it bc she’s thirteen and hasn’t ever really been exposed to anything like this, but she knows this guy is a bad dude and she says as much and kara and lena are like shit okay our empath/mind reader of a daughter is getting Bad Vibes, we should keep an eye on him, so they do the entire night and its like.  there arent any red flags or anything, isnt any bad behavior, but maia is too tense and this dude is too smooth and they’ve both???  been through this???  can see the subtle signs??  can see the way maia freezes a little when this boy puts his arm around her, the way she keeps watching him out of the corner of her eye, how she’ll switch subjects if there’s even the slightest change in his expression like.........maia’s never been a jumpy person, has always been sure footed and confident since she was very little, and kara’s got kill bill sirens going in her head and lena’s got this sick feeling in her stomach, stella’s sitting next to maia and refusing to move, glaring at her boyfriend whenever he’s looking a different direction and finn, godbless him, is looking from his moms to stella to maia sitting so stiffly on the couch, looking entirely uncomfortable in her home, in her own space and he catches stella’s eye, raises one eyebrow and then all he gets in like the in-mind version of all caps is stella just yelling BAD VIBE over and over again

so the night is tense to say the least and stella insists on maia sitting next to her at dinner, leaving her boyfriend sandwiched between finn and lena who both have like.........impressive death glares and maia’s getting more and more agitated, like pushing for the meal to wrap up quickly and it finally does, after her moms grilling this guy to get like a better grasp on the type of awful he is and maia’s like saying she’ll walk him out and kara and lena are both like we’ll come with you and maia’s like No but her bf just squeezes her shoulder and is like nah, it’s fine with this smarmy smile and stella’s still glaring but now finn’s glaring too

so he leaves finally and he reels maia in for a kiss that she v obviously is uncomfortable with so kara like straightens to her full height, crosses her arms and tells him she’s sure he needs to be home and he must sense somethings changed bc then he like just stops putting on a smile for kara and lena, turns fully to maia and tells her to call him tonight and maia sort of nods quickly, seems intent on just getting him to leave, get out of her mother’s view

as soon as he drives away, maia’s like speed walking to the house and trying to run up the stairs, to her phone, but kara kind of catches her hand and is like hey.  we need to talk about something.  and maia’s like ??  can it wait, i need to text him and stella’s like um he just left, which is when lena shoos the other kiddos out of the house, handing finn some cash and telling him to take stella to get ice cream.  so then its just them and maia and maia’s fidgety, wont keep eye contact for very long and kara mentions that, mentions how maia’s changed over the last few months and lena’s saying that they’re worried for her, about her, worried that maybe this boy isn’t healthy for her and maia’s like what do you guys know, he loves me and then lena's explaining darling i've been there, i know what you're feeling, but this isn't love and you deserve better and kara’s thinking about that one time maia came home with a bruise (thanks to the supplement, she can bruise) and she said she got it in gym but now kara’s wondering and they’re being v gentle, asking if she’s happy, asking if he’s kind to her and maia so desperately knows they’re right on some level but that’s buried v deep down and she doesnt want to have to drag it to the surface so she just........flips out

like screams and cries and leaves, storms out and flies away before the conversation can get too far, just yells  that she cant believe theyre trying to ruin the one good thing in her life trying to take away the one person that actually give a shit about her

and she flies to meet up with bf at his place and is telling him about their fight and he's like yeah your moms are fucked up, we're in love obviously, they just dont want to see you happy, they like your brother and sister more like all this really toxic shit that he's been feeding her for months, slowly poisoning her against her family and friends

but now she's got this seed of doubt at the back of her head like wait my mothers were really great when i was a kid, did they really change?

is this love or was i just happy for attention?

my moms always tell us that no matter what we do, as long as we're happy and safe they'll support it and they've never proven that wrong right?

so she's having a crisis and he's like pushing to have sex (it's not their first time, and it's not the first time he's had to convince her) and maia's like wait no i need a minute let me riddle this thing out

and he's getting like majorly pouty and upset like right, pick them over me, leave me just like everyone else and maia's staring at him like what the fuck and so she says as much, says that her moms do love her and he’s like ??  really maia?  and it goes from there, turns into an argument and he’s saying some really awful things to her 

and he’s in the middle of telling her that she’s nothing, that she should be grateful he’s wasting his energy and time trying to fix her when kara breaks the door and says flatly whoops and lena marches in and essentially tells this guy to fuck off (actually she quite literally tells him to fuck off, how dare you speak to my daughter like that) as she wraps an arm around maia and guides her out and maia’s sort of shellshocked??  like shit.  shit holy shit 

she just like.  breaks down in the car.  like the moment lena’s pulled the door closed behind them, maia’s just falling apart in a way that lena’s never seen her, like shaking and rocking and full body sobs and kara’s still inside the boys house, having a Talk but then she hears maia’s crying and is just like.  you’re garbage, we’re going to ruin your life before she leaves 

maia cries most of the night.  like suddenly everything bad that’s been happening is at the forefront of her mind but her self esteem is so shattered, she’s just blaming herself.  she has like??  three panic attacks and her moms stay with her through it all, keeping her tucked between them, petting her hair and telling her that none of this is her fault, that they’re sorry for not seeing what was happening.  when finn and stella come back, they follow the sound of sobbing up to their moms room, drop everything to join the cuddle pile that’s happening.  stella tucks herself right next to maia, takes her hands and as much of her pain as she can, tries to give her as much peace as she can.  and finn’s never been so close to violence in his life, feels an itch in his fists that is entirely unfamiliar, finds himself struggling to be in the same room with maia bc she’s his little sister???  he’s supposed to keep her safe, you know??  

it’s a hard night.  it is.  maia cant sleep, just keeps crying, keeps sobbing out that he’s good, he is, it’s her fault, so no one sleeps that night, they all stay up and try and find something, anything to make it better for her

and thankfully it’s just nearly break, so kara calls their schools, says there’s been a family emergency and the kids wont be in for the last couple days of term, calls works and says much the same for her, and lena calls in to request all meetings be postponed until further notice, to take a leave of absence.  stella won’t leave maia’s side even when the bags under stella’s eyes get too deep, when it becomes clear this is taking too much of a toll on her to keep acting as a sponge for maia’s turmoil, for her pain.  maia’s her big sister and they fight a lot but she knows all the shit maia’s done for her, loves her sister enough to bear some of the burden.  

lena finds the number for her old therapist, the one she saw when she finally realized her first relationship had been emotionally abusive.  they’ve retired, but they recommend someone for maia.  kara v quietly lets alex and maggie know whats going on, grabs alex’s hand when she breaks and god, alex feels so guilty, feels like she should have known, seen it, done more.  they dont tell anyone else, decide to leave it up to maia if she wants to give out specifics to anyone else in the family, but they do tell the rest of the superfriends that maia’s going through something right now

and through these awful first weeks, maia’s ex keeps calling her, texting her and she always reaches for the phone, so finally finn takes it when she’s napping, goes to the deo and asks winn to reroute incoming calls from this number to go through his phone first.  he starts picking up the calls, switches off with stella to threaten the guy, tell him in no uncertain terms that he’s never coming near their sister again

and maia’s??  not handling well.  she’s doing as well as can be expected, i guess, but there are some days where she’s okay-ish and can be logical and removed enough to acknowledge that there were unhealthy dynamics (she wont call it abuse, refuses the term for now), but most days she cycles between sobbing and saying she loves him, misses him, wondering if he’s okay without her and other times she’s angry and tells everyone that its their fault he’s ignoring her now

the therapy helps??  it helps a lot actually, not only with this but with her anger issues and other stuff too.  it also helps repair her relationship with her moms, who are honestly so so steadfast in their support like kara or lena always pick her up after therapy bc she’s always a little raw afterwards, shouldnt rlly be alone, and one time its kara and maia walks out, gets into the car and says rlly abruptly that her therapist thinks she should do group sessions with her moms separately and kara doesnt even hesitate, she’s just like yes okay what day what time, i’ll text lena to let her know her session

it takes like a Long time for maia to feel even a tenth like her old self.  like a Loooooong time.  but she eventually does and that’s mostly due to how good her moms and siblings are in the aftermath.  like kara and lena both have been where she’s been so they know what to say, how to say, what not to do and they’re so careful to walk this delicate tightrope where they make it clear that this guy was bad for maia but also acknowledging that she was in love with him, that she was v invested in this relationship

and when they go back to school, there’s some rumors bc its high school, but finn sort of fills in maia’s friends a little and they step the fuck up, circle around her and protect her as fiercely as she’s always protected them and finn runs interference whenever it looks like someone might give her shit for the way her ex has mysteriously been stripped of his scholarship to his school, or how his sat cheating scheme was somehow uncovered (*finger guns* uncle winn to the rescue)

stella’s room shares a wall with maia’s; their beds line up with the other bc when they were younger, they used to tap morse code to one another.  maia, even as she grew older, never bothered to move it, so stella’s in close proximity to maia every night, close enough that any strong emotion maia feels is enough to wake her up, so whenever maia’s having a crying jag and cant get out of bed to get kara or lena, its stella that comes to her, crawls up beside her v carefully and presses all the softness, all the warmth and peace she carries inside her to maia, tries to give her as much of a break as she can manage, just enough for maia to sleep

it fucks them all up for a rlly long time.  like.  a Rlly long time.  maia has to work through everything she’s been through, has to slowly relearn herself, build up her belief in herself and trust in others.  her family has to process the guilt they carry, the grief for all the pain maia’s gone through.  its hard, but they love each other and they come through it together, bruised but intact, still whole, still a family

[failinginvestigativejournalist]

Dont freak out, itss just writing

i grew up fast (so fast) (too quick nigga) (wish i went through when i was just a bit bigger) can you tell me who the parent is uh ya the first time i drove a whip i was a fuckin kid, (96 suburban nigga) (yo yo, did you tell em why) oh ya shit my fault my mom was bleeding from her chin i dont know what from or what about, scared to death i took that drive to the ER (Medical SHIIIT) (mom got too drunk again and feel out) (wheres dad? in his room his doors locked, figures i dont expect, as i try to knock (no answer nigga) i dont blame em he removes himself from the sitiation so he dont hit her) ya i fucking grew quick, ya i fucking tryed some shit, the first time i dropped out and took some shroomies i was age 6 plus 6, thats 12 for the illiterates, actually aas a matter a fact it was fuckin pleasant as fuck as i drew back the droe and took another hit. now that i think that was the day, older brother came and gave me cig i obliged no way to say nay, i was still trippin and it was a sensational feelin, it left me stumblin and dizzy a head rush like no other i was hooked for live to the day and i dont blame him, i dont think he knew what he had started, adding to the compilation of the monsxter inside that took refuge and started, poison in his mind, the drugs altered his brain activity but he was buckled up and commited to the ride.Shit i just said in third person let me apologize to yall sometimes the ideas flow together like two fortune five mergin, these feels of hate be strong ya im hurtin, i cant blame no one, i cant choose the family i was birthed in, started sniffin ups felt my blood surgin, gotta big head but my nemisis, the evil inside myself was bigger aboutt the size of a white sturgeon, like some northern ish that canadain shit like british columbia or somethin idk, alls i can say is that BC bud out that bitch is my fav to blow, the sour D, diesel to be exact for you niggas who waana try to nit pick or correct my personal facts, let me just speak at you,  all the hatin niggas tryin bring me down, bad news, i do drugs like steve from fuckin blues clues, but my rents always on time when that xshits due, any ways i side tracked speaking of tracks just lined some shit up did with speed did with need i did it with tact, im dextrous and shit i always have a unique train of thought oh shit trains again trains derailed at this point hhaaha i crack myself up sometimes with the wit in my words leh-let you in on the pun so you can join in my fun, about the lines the lines are no more you didn arrive in time i promise these raps have rhythm they have rhyme i aint spittin to waste your time, i aint spittin to catch a dime, bag or bitch, it really dont matter, niether last long but they are still my niche, come here bitch come hit this shit, this time dont have a fit, mind over matter just stick yuh nose in these rails sit down for a bit, drink some wata, go to your happy place we are gettin to old for me to have tote on yuh just from hitten lines but i put up wit it, you got that 50 thou boat on yuh, not to mention your ride, that shit is so sweet i cant decidddee which id rather seed, as in inseminate with my seaman as i play the part as a seaman workin for seimans on a marine voyage i aint like you im a higher being, i dont know whatchu talkin whatch your eyes be seein i am a divine heathan i really cant fucking believe a niggas still breathin im a florida boy born and raised, i sit the fuck back drink my beer in the shade, high as i usually am a rinny tin tin rinscotts tale \down the rintin like a shark fin poatched by commercial fisherman thrown in a bin, no regard for life the human race is so greedy, people just aint my type, say what you want i know me best and i know im right. my creative talents on the other hand be outta sight, im my own worst enemy to cross the bridge pay the fee, trollin in the hood for that g, withdrawin, shakin i drop to my knee look up to the sky ask god if he sees. hear the sound of humming, huh must be bees, or im trippin out maybe its a flash back i dont remmember. whats th-this street, tremblin think my heat skipped a bit, or a couple shakinso bad my knes begin to buckle, anxiety can be dibilatated held me back from so much in life thers no debating. unfamiliar route. made it to this bar ordered a stout got to thinking, you may ask what about, this is why i like solitude to be on my own to answer to noone to depend on myself and live it to the fullest while im yung, my mind will reel, replaying all i know every single memory, that im capable of bringing back, i compare my brain to a file cabinet, i keep it hidden like in an office towards the back. A photographic memory is a gift and a curse, ill tell you whatat, if you dont keep it in check you will end up in a herse, sure you can remember the happy shit the good things in your life but you cant fucking forget the huge hits the fucking bad bitch the one who broke your heart? dounno how to forget you but i think i know where to start, i thought it was drugs, i numbed my body with chemicals little did i know with every shot the metaphorical shovel scooped out some more dirt from the inconcievable whole i fuckin dug. my life has been weird kinda like an opriental from a flee market an awkward rug, with no real spot in the house, was always the black sheep in the fam i tryed to tip toe as quiet as a mouse, some tom and jerry shit my mistakes and regrets cbhasing me around like tom the cat from that shit, I hide in my hidey whole, disconeected from any social environmeent i often found myself cryin, but self loathin is kinda like being a a gay with some dicks hes blowin, givin a ski job pitty is the lube hatred is the tube the vessel to carry out a deed the fags not sure about, hes experimentin comparable to some situations in my life cept wont catch me with two dudes in a shower, that was just a metaphor. you feel me? im sure the haters will hop all over that verse but just fuckinh hear me. I got my shades on and these bitches special, haters they block, they keep you no fun, sticklers out of sight out of mind like spf 75 sun block, that industrial shit, factory born hear the lunch bell on the horn, an  hour passes the busy bees come back to the floor to join the others to join the masses; the hoard., here the hum of the worker bees at work as they sneek rum in there flasks stuck it in to the hive got it past the queen time to catch a buzz to make this pain stop while i avoid the fuzz the narks at work, cant control it even if they wanted to stop. i dont want to hurt. this was a metaphor for the endless rut of a reality ive become accustomed to; succomed too, the low of the low. comparable to a german trench on the frontlines., my life feels like a conveyer belt, makin the same product running the same direction never really goiong any where, now thats was an analagy, keeping up? yung unsensitive how many? 0 fucks, 0 fucks giveen, 0 blights forgiven, spiteful to death and mornful for noone, nothing left inside just another no-go, malfunctioning product family be like feeling “ i feel like they robbed us” of our brother our son and our friend , dont worry fam im still with you in your hearts up to the end. im tired of our society with all its malice and fallacy, thinking to my self how sad it must be, to be washed in the brain to be hypnotized, this shits so insane.you want that shit super sized? of course nigga watchu you sayin. A glutonous society obsessed with self indulgence people actually still believe good people are in abundance. Speaking of which, fuck the people for a tec, have you looked around lately, this earth is a wreck, mark my words we headin straight for destruction, We are not being good care takers, we fuckckin actin so careless what doesdo the opeople in power really expect?? just pass it on to the next generation “ohh, its not our life time we will leave it for you” Thats a big fuck you to the generations after you undeserving self entitled fucks finallyy croak. get the fuck outa here, tell me when you sold your sold, you heartlesxs bastards would give anything for xsome more of that paper thgat rules all, the pressure you have put on everyone, no one is an exception, to support ourselves and loved ones to provide for our own and multiple other peoples nees, the urge to make money looms over our heads like a pestiliant storm cloud of angst and uncertainty, boreing a fucking whole in our moral, making peoplpe desperaate rising crime rates because people get desperate, people need to survive and they will do dam near whatever it takess to make the money they need, for whatever purpose.  ill whipe my ass with it throw in your cards i will win you better fold. i have freeedom, you ask what? anominity you fuckers, i can moldd my own life i have the freedomm of choosing, i certainly dont have to wait for legislation to pass a bill which you bribed for votes to do so anyways, to do something something much worse than im capabloe of ever doing, intentionally ruining the environment and turning our planet to mars just for paper with and idea (with a “hey, take our word for it, its worth something “””WE PROMISE”””” fucks) behind it not even gold bars, fuck you niggas mark my words illl bring all you mother fuckers down, ill run you fucks out of town, you hear that sound? its a train. its my passion and my determination to take you out, maybe ill use a fuckin plane? i mean its o.k. for the CIA to do it, right? Create this ridiculously elaborote ruse this plot, thyat fucking fooled all the ignorant and brainwashed americans you have already sucked in with your cancerous propaganda, kids lost to your bullshit through social media and the fucking criteria you make teachers teach young minds, we are taught from a very young age that “ huraaahh america is number one! Terrorists bad! Environmental destruction of a planet good!” how about we help some of the third woorld countries (which you know we wouldnt have to be gunning down women and children in the streets) we could just like give them the water they need? help them gentrify there communities teach them how to develop better skills, teach them more efficient ways to take advantage of their land, maybe bring some seeds to food sources that can be grown creating a bit of self sustainability that may not be indigenous but would grow in their country?? you greedy fucks just want oil, when we have enough in our reserves in alaska/canada to last north america 500 years falsey blame others, create an imaginary war “the war on terrorism, which infact is a fucking cover a false entity, to entice patriotism to loosely keep this crumbling empire together the last attempt, the only thread left in the button holding up the pants we call america, you forgot to tell the word all that shit is just whack  [ simply a meticulously pplanned and executed ploy to spur interests in the middle east, control the oil and power will return back east, return to u, Cause god knows you tax the fuck out of us for EVERYTHING especially mnother fucking gas, so we can pay for wellfare and pay for fucking solar power for rich fucks who e==inherited wealth, people who hdont know what working a day means and never will be, never had a problem, never been broke “oh shit my fucking croket set is missingg a ball” lose the pretense fuckers, you cocksuckers, arrogant low lives.. Money makes you any better then the hard working man that cover your tax breaks pay like our fucking ppolice forces (who are a bunch of ROTC drop outs with a badge and sense of power nnow being unfair and crooked taking some kind of revenge on the idea of the kids who picked on them all through out school” Motherfucker its harder to become a plumber, the learning and process is longer/more rigorous then a 6 month police academy which is fucking my lil pony world ( ith ink there is a fantasy kids show for my lil pony with their own fantasy dimension/world)compared to a military bootcamp.  A doctrine instilled to stop the spread of communisim wherever and whenever it may presenet itsxelf? when is the fighting going to stop in that area of our dying earth, thjey have been fighting eachother since lifes initial birth, what whoever was in power or in charge of trading the petroleumn to us wanted to charge an extra dollar 4 dollars  aBARREL instead of 3??? whaa you fucking greedy cunts,? so we invade and take control put there people on dog collars?? for wshat a dollar difference in productionfreedom of speech as you mothers suck the livlyhood from our home like a blood sucking leech, so careless, you know exactly what your doing, you just dont care it aint your problem your headin towardcs the end your death is brewin, well im the reaper of death cloaked in black i always get my man like a cold inwe can hardly co-exist and efficiently function. We are on world one love bob marley shit im getting tired of going throught the motions im all fucked up inside and shit. Early development can be a lynch pin. to either set a strong first corner stone, ceremonial placement of the first corner stone, free mason shit, corn and vegetable oil, so many customs and traditions are goin down a fuckin hill catch em rollin. Early  life is so fucking critical for a young kid, childrens minds are like a sponge they are looking up to their elders they are developing mentally they consume everything around them and retain more than you know, give your kids a healthy and stimulating environment and they will let there talents grow let there talents show let there brilliance flow let there inhibitions go, gone like dust in the wind, never catch em in trouble nothing, not one sin. They will begin to get older, be super organized, super focused for school, every class haxs a folder. As you watch them grow you will feel it in your heart you will fuckin kno, atleast you did this at least you used your parental guidance for good. when you die you know youll be missed, your kid dont throw fits, not one bit, hes such a chip off the old block that was cliche as fuck haha tuck em inh for bed his forhead you kiss. I just might fucking shed a tear, I cant fight this urge to drink a beer. I cant deny this fucking fear, I must look like just like headlights shinin onm a deer, jock strap aroun d my ankles, dumbfounded, look in  my eyes, perplexed, look on my face as it hits, you get a certain taste in your mouth this race is coming to a close suddenly your filled with doubht, seriously you should be care free, yuou did your duty as a parent, im jealous wish that was me, chill the fuck out go drink some fucking relaxing tea or something, sobrietyy seems to be a good mixture along with love and rationality to make a family function like a well greased machine, like a mechanisim freshly whipped down with some white lithium grease. tuned and ready to go, temped to huff the fumes and left everything go, turn your car on shut the garage door, let death grip  you, dont seem to care anymore, I cant change the past and i have no regreats, will i make it to thirty? “right over here people!” “place your bets!”, ill take my tickets to my Life Show and just scalp em make some extra cash, im already absent, so detatched;incapable of feeling. even if im there aint nothing going on emotionally in there (guarantee you im smilin an nodding i really dont give 2 fucks no more”, take that money right to the plug i promote fucking drugs not hugs, or why not both? why does the saying have to be one or the other when sxometimes its both you desire the most. Take the scalpin’ money from the tickets to the play of my life, go on down to the hood, pick up some bags mis amigos habla “Drogas” los hermanos tambien, this urge is hard to fight. Its a romance [a ritual of being, so0mething un explainable i wish i was never a part of, im always metaphorically bleeding. My poker face is strong, fuck showing weakness i alwayxs thought it was to show emotuion. wrong....... but its not, it can save your life, can \get you through, throw you a life jacket, get you out of that tide you fought, that frigid water no warmer than dry eyes.. Ive always been a loose cannon, I go with the flow, not lookin back, been chillin with the old heads they were suprisxed i could hang and, back to the point haha literally or figuratively is the question... im not gonna keep you waitin or leave yall hangin, i hate cliff hangers, make me wait 45 five minutes leave me jonesin’ its slow goin like grindin that ‘crete in the hangers polishin’ that baby out and coatin with some apoxy, its a process, i just get my drugs, whate=vers around and hit bangersz til i pass out, thatsx how my life has been goingg, i feel like im in the chambers just waiting to be gassed out. Flip the fuuckin switch you fuckin pussy end all this malcontent and hate, make itt black, eternal reest at loast.. dress me up real nice maybe a sharp vest, go through the processions and go through the motions fucking burn my body bitches, i want to be in the ocean ive always felt drawn to it, like an unexplainable,, unatainable unfakeable feeling or notion. im happiest sippin a coctail right by the ocean,  thats where you put me to rest... ill be pissed as fuck dont treat me like a fucking ruck; i beenn aroound, age is but a number, my knowledge is  vast and profound, ya thats right bitch im fuckin educated, know more tthan you will learn in your life time and im 20 years, old get what im sayin? i dont got a big heaad im actually humble,  just at my  breaking point. if i was a volcanoe you would feel the rumble; the pre-emptive signs of an eruption pre-determineed in the creator’s mind he took his divine time to find a wayy to grin away the time it took to find the book i bind when al i want is to be stress free and unwind but im the opposite wound up liike the grandfather clock i wish i could stop , the wheels are in motion the gears are set to full speed the feels keep comin i got this itch; this notion, this inkling to stop minglin, stop wastin my time with u useless fuccks. i think its time, its not the end my journey, just started this epic tale of sorrow, my feelings have departed, im fuckingg frozen over colder than ice, dry ice. cant touch me im full of hate and vice, addictive personality on a suicide mission like a ffucking missionary willing to die for his faithh,. i wish man willing to be a martyr for his religion.. ya bitch i smoke stoges in the hotel room just send the  bill to him if it comes to me itll end up in the fucking rubbish bin with a looggie on top coughin up brown shit to young for that talk, to young for heart disease pack and a half a day to try to keep my miind at ease, the stress is buildin im like a tickin time bomb, im so wound up like a clock rigged to blow mount vesuvius, a test nuke... the alarm is soundinn off. A  bright flash like a million lightning strikes, bout to pop off.. but atleast with style got my limited eddition nikes, listen to me i soound like them, listen to me bitching like a fucking fem, bottle it up, thats what society saays, male suicide is at an all time high like two polar opposites due to wed, its never gonna work im always going to be sad im always going to hurt, no fuck it, im a lock it up and throw away the key, im gonna forget about all this shit and be a fuckin G, be hardcore like the brothhers, leave bitches cryin in the street like aall our fuckin mothers, 32 degrees ferenhiet tatted on my left pec it signifies the tempture of my heart no longer warm and red, its frozen over, it hardly beats, that shit is smaler than the grinches, i turned into what they want me to be, a danger to society, getthe fuck outa myface before i shoo,t b, I got nothing to lose, living for nothing, nada, goose eggs nigga dont give a fuck reckless, no regard for life i dont give two fucks a partridge in a ghetto street, aint no merry christmas song, i like my biches thick and dirty wearin'n some fesh tomy thongs, i use em abuse and enthuse them then ruse thm excusse them fuckin confusethem "why you so distaant all of the suden" keep the vow of silence, like a monk on a holy missio, a friar on a divine quest, sending telepathic messages look into my eyes and see, get the fuck out i was never real these feelings meant nothing to me manipulator, manipulationist making up woprds never been a relationist, the masster of his craft a ventrilliquist or a puppet master you were to blind to see, mama was right just a socio path, ya bitch tell your 7 year old child that; see how long his chipper attitude lasts, im lower than nothing, not even a worm maybe i could bbe a fucking tick suckin blood, noting left of the kid i used to be, no more self worth, i cant love you when i cant love myself, how you expect me to support you when all i do is grab a spoon andd melt all the money thaat comes my way, a junkie, bum destined for an early  death and you think yous my bride to be, sorry hun you reaad me wrong, i know its hard cause bitches never know whats goin on inside my head, as i lay in bea,d staring off to somewhere, anywhere but next toyou, staring off into space thinking about my drug abuse, asking myself why, but i know the answer ready to die, but i think ill get a lapper frm one more danceer, i wanna go out in style, not som lame shit maybe go up to a mountain and stand on a cliff, look down, see wher im destined to end up as i take the safety off, finger carressing the trigger, a cool wind blows as i prepare to leave my loved ones bitter, surprised they sstayed aound thislong only ever let em down ever since i was young, never good enough always disappointing this rap comes so easily writing it like noothing, to get this off my chest as theend comes near, i shaped my own destiny i chose to die, now i chose to die here, fuk your beliefs and your faith in gods plan i took my life intomy own fucking hands, i think we all know einstiens theory of insanity, i been doin the same shit fr so long now exspectin shit to change and, i guess im insane.. i took my brilliiant, my sharp mind and put it to waste. its time to pull the inevitable, the good die young idk in this case if thats viable, im scummy i did whatever it took to get my fix to kill that pitt  in my tummy. i hurt people close, i stole from my famil.y.. its time to end it, like i caqme into the world, by myself always alone, soemthing that my father toldme that really stuck, its cynical as fuck, but he was right. he said stay out of the bullshit the groggy muck. Only lookout for yourself son, ive been arounnd awhile, [people dont give a fuck about anyone else they care only for themselves, in the end at the most critical time they will always choose them instead of some one else. We are alone in this wrld and its the hard truth jut learn not to ddepend on others while you are still in your youth, ive been fucked over to many times by people i thought i was very close to. now im out to get mines me and only me you and only you, get that fucking look on ur face sorry for beeing real and telling the truth, im trying to prepare your for whats ahead, im tryig to prevent you from depending on a brutus who will fill you with lead, stab you in the back for their own personnal gain, being to trustworthy is a heroic flaw like being egotistical, wanting to help your friends to much, being aragont ect. kryptonite to super man pease dont be batman and let it be yourr bane, bane as in the villian to let you know. im back, here are my words again not my dads, ji really do miss all the relationships i had, havent spoken to my dad in years tookk one for theteam stayed with mama dukese inj the ssplit to save faace, foir my innocent younger brothers. you know what shes also my motheer, shes not capable of surviving alone i didnt think i would abandon her ever i thought id never do that, i stuck with her out of evveryone, a family oof six she looked out for me in times of strife wish i could give her one last kiss, just shot my last 20 and i fucin missed, absesses dont matte any more i bet this 45 shoots true time for the finale,  no way i can miss, as the curtains close on my young life one last thought people really took to me, like white on rice, women were drawn to me the mystery i had them enticced, June baby as a cancer i am hard to understand i met a chick once who had a spot in my liifes bnd, she knew me we had a connection so much love we were never disrespectin im glad i could atleast i could teach hersome shit before she ripped my beeating heart out of my chest and stepped on it. Loved hermore than life and i still do i promised her one day i would find her and marry her, walkher down that isle say the words ido, she felt what i felt i know its tru, wasnt ready fgor commitment baby i wil alwayslove yo never orget you if i can i connect with you, like a disease i infected you i aways broght you downi was just baggage extra wait holing you down dragging around im glad youo saw through my snake charming ways saw me for who i was a bumm who couldnt change noot in a short number of days, someone so crippled by pain and grief it was beyond belief, she was the only one i wore my heart on my sleeve for , she lef me sobbinig, crrying violently without end in the door the doorway to more pain. i know she had no choice she had to live her lifee i was just in he way, i was obscuring her focus. eye on the prize isthe only way to achieve your goals and tnt them fuckin boulders, in your way, today i die babe, long time comin bet yall thought i was here to stay. baby l dontshed a tear kno i died drinkin a beer haha but nah you were my last thoughts thinking about all the time we spent getting lost in eachothers eyes and gettin so close we read eachothers thougts, illl miss or idk if ill be concious or just nothjingness, i guess ill fnd out when i finally stop being a pussy and proced with this, see ya velma ill always be your shaggy thinka bout me and dont forget what i made you see, in your self im just another memory on our shelf but let it bbe one thaat sticks we had somethingthat made ssense just clicks somethin that felt so right im really gonn miss, everythinig abnout you im sorry you couldnt trust me but i dont doubt why. i know the truth ive never denied a thing in my life, dont getme wrong everybody tells a little white lie, but you know what its a sign of intelligence not to be afraid to say idk not to lie for the hll of it. Ill see you soon in the nxt life or two i hope reincarnatiuon has a possibility of being true, godbye cruel world th ride is over it was a hell of a whirl, i leave you with absolutely nohing conntributted i was just a part o the cancer people had to live with, butnever acknowledgedd, acted ignoant to ther surroundings as daddy paid for college, i burned bright and hot and had a lot of fun, i had alot of life experienc got alot of shit done, nothing productivee of course in ssocieties eyes but i did fullfill atleast some personal goals, important things in my eyes, the curtains are almost done descending as my pittiful life is ending, but keep your pitty mother  fuckers i dont want shit from any of you i dont give yoou nothin dont be so self righteous you look like a bunch of fools, greive for me or celebrate my life i guess its on you how you chhoose to rfemmeber a nobody that nobody knew, a couple feet before the curtains drop, is that? myy eyes decieving? me? no i do see that a single rose descends from the skies, i stare intently at the work of art, a rose is soo beautiful, a representation of love, from the heart, so delicate with its velvet petals, easily ruined a boket wouldve been nice, but who am i fooling, thats a beautiful thing, that was really nice. the product bubbles as i take my last hit of ice, cant takemy eyes off that rose.. its so beautiful... the gun on my forhead now, looking at each individual pedals.. dew from the early mornin forming a small puddle around that naturral phenom, that iconic organic, spectaacular symbol of sometthing real, somethin that matters, something sensual. 

As the bits of his brain splatter behid him, arms spread; with grace, almost angelic.he falls off the ciff a hundred feet now for falling, weird but there was a look of peace in his eyes; on his face, maybe he wll finally find happiness.. he fell with nobility and so much grace the floor he hit, his finall restingplace, what cuold be a better box then a natural setting, a  beaauty of nature, crawling all around and he will return to the earth, the mother wll  take him back just as she gave birth, i thinnk this shit is over now its not my story to tell, inside voices kids no reason to yell. shhhhhhhhhhh. 

dont depend dont believe the [enter here]