#and i myself am nearly graduating from my masters

[nikosasaki]

I'm a woman on the verge of a mental breakthrough

[juniperskye]

Let’s start over.

Sneak peek: Aaron and Reader were together back when she was finishing her bachelor’s degree. It went on for a bit until Aaron started to pull away – after confronting him, you called things off. Years later you return to Quantico to streamline the new child crimes unit which will work directly with the BAU. Aaron is surprised to see you and asks you to dinner…some shocking secrets are revealed. (There are timeline edits to this story to fit my vision okay?!)

Aaron Hotchner x (Fem) Reader

Angst/Fluff

Word count: 5301

REQUESTS ARE OPEN - not edited - please be kind. Requests are open and feedback is welcome if it's constructive!

Warnings: My blog is 18+, minors DNI, age gap (reader is in their 20’s and Hotch is in his 40’s), explicit language, keeping a child a secret, Hotch not being the best partner (past), description of BAU and other FBI units – some canon typical subject matter, OC’s Nora (child) Theo and Leila (agents), mention of hospitals, and mention of febrile seizure, mention of Jack, mention of Haley (their relationship timeline was adjusted to make this work – they separated when Jack was like 2-3 y/o) let me know if I missed any!

I do not consent to having my work translated or reposted to any other site. That being said I do not own the characters portrayed in this story.

** 5 Years Ago, **

“Aaron would you please just tell me what’s going on!” You pleaded.

“Nothing. I told you to just drop it. Nothing is wrong.” Aaron snapped.

Things had been like this for the past few weeks. Aaron was being short with you, snippy about menial things that had never bothered him before. You couldn’t figure out what was going on, it had truly begun to weigh heavily on your relationship.

“We both know that’s bullshit. Why won’t you just talk to me?” You were practically begging him at this point.

“Jesus Christ, would you just let it the fuck go. I said I don’t want to talk. Why is that so hard for you to understand?” Aaron shouted. “Maybe Dave was right.” He mumbled.

“Right about what?” Your voice came out much smaller than intended.

“Maybe you’re too young, too immature. You just don’t understand the stress I’m under.” Aaron huffed out a sigh.

Aaron and you had been together for nearly two years. Initially it had been more of a fling due to the fact that he was teaching a course you were taking to complete your bachelor’s degree. He and you took things to the next level once you’d graduated and now you were about to complete your master’s degree. You loved Aaron, but with how things had been going for the last few months, you couldn’t help but wonder if that was enough.

“I don’t know if I can do this anymore.” You whispered.

“So what?  We get in a little fight and you’re going to throw a tantrum?” Aaron spat pure venom.

“A tantrum?” You said, exasperated. “Aaron I’m not a toddler kicking and screaming because I am not getting my way. I’m a grown ass woman asking for some healthy communication in our relationship. We haven’t had a real conversation in months, and I don’t think I can go on like this.” You gasped, the realization finally hitting you…this had to end.

“Sweetheart, we can work this out. I’m sorry okay?” Aaron reached for you.

“No…” You took a retreating step, your back making contact with the back of your sofa. “I think it’s too late Aaron. And honestly it’s rich that you called me immature, when you are so emotionally stunted. You refuse to act your own age and talk things through. Instead, you bottle things up and push away anyone who cares about you. I won’t be your punching bag anymore, I have too much respect for myself.” Your tears had finally broken free, trailing down your cheeks clouded with black from your mascara.

“So that’s it then? We’re done?” Aaron scoffed.

“I guess that’s it.” You gasped.

With that, Aaron grabbed his bag and left. Pausing for a second, before shaking his head and making his leave. The moment you heard the lock click, your knees gave out and you collapsed to the floor as sobs ripped through your body. You laid there for what felt like days, broken and devastated by the loss of what you presumed was your forever. He was gone and you’d have to move on, something you weren’t sure was possible in that moment.

** Present Day **

“Hello? … This is she … Oh! Director Cruz … yes I am getting everything ready. … I can’t thank you enough for this opportunity, truly. … Of course, thank you. … Alright, I will see you Monday. … Thank you … Bye.” You were practically buzzing as you hung up the phone.

“Was that bossman?” Hestia questioned.

“Yes it was! He was checking in and making sure I have everything I need before I start on Monday!” You gushed.

“I can’t believe you are moving back to Virginia. I am going to miss you so, so much!” Hestia whined.

“I am going to miss you too! But it’ll only be like a month until you join me…right?” You inquired.

“Yes! My lease is up then and as long as you’re still cool with us staying with you guys until we find our own place, we will be there!” She explained.

“Ummm of course you guys can stay with us! Free childcare…I’d be an idiot to pass that up!” You laughed as Hestia threw a pillow at you.

You were actively packing up your life and preparing to move back to Virginia. You hadn’t been back there in nearly five years. After breaking things off with Aaron and completing your master’s degree, you’d looked into PhD programs around the U.S. and had ultimately decided on the child psychology program at Colombia University, and while New York wasn’t too far from Virgina, it at least put space between you and Aaron. 

About eight months after you and Aaron had broken things off, Nora had come as quite a surprise. Despite the shock that was brought on by your pregnancy, Nora had become the greatest gift you could’ve asked for. Having Hestia around to make up for your lack in baby daddy had brought the two of you incredibly close together.

You had met Hestia in a pretty unconventional way, she was one year into her residency for general surgery, and you had appendicitis. So, she worked hand-in-hand with the surgeon who removed your appendix, and well, the rest had been history. She’s been with you through everything in the last four years, most importantly, she’s helped you raise Nora. You’d been sure to repay the favor, especially within the last year…Hestia’s mom had passed, leaving her 15-year-old sister in her care. The four of you had become your own little family.

“So, what’s your plan tomorrow?” Hestia asked.

“Oh, my parents flew in last week and they drove most of my stuff down on Tuesday. My mom said she wanted it to be set up for us, so we’d be able to move right in, especially since I start work immediately. So, I am just getting the last few things together today and we will head down tomorrow, and I guess we will finish getting everything set up this weekend. They’re staying with me, pretty much until you and Selene can come out. They don’t want me to have to put Nora in daycare.” You explained.

“Aw, I’m so glad they’re able to do that! I know by then you’ll be ready to have them out of your hair, but it is nice that you won’t have to leave her with strangers right away.” Hestia patted your leg. “I do have a question for you though…are you at all worried about running into your ex?”

“I don’t even know if he still works there Hes, it’s a huge place. Who’s to say we even see each other at all?” You shrug.

“You are so full of shit!” Hestia laughs. “Don’t act like you didn’t check to see if he’s still there.”

“Ugh! Yes he’s still the unit chief of the BAU! Of course I looked. And yes. I am terrified, Director Cruz said my unit will most likely work with the BAU more than any other team and I’m not sure I can handle that.” You groaned.

“You can’t avoid him forever babe. Are you going to tell him about Nora?”

“Hes, I don’t even know how I would begin to tell him.” You shook your head. “We ended horribly and she’s four now. What if he freaks out?”

“I mean he might. Hon, you have to tell him, she’s his daughter you know… I don’t think there’s an easy way to do it. Like it’s gonna be ugly no matter what. But at least you’re telling him.” Hestia reasons.

You knew she was right, you had to tell Aaron about Nora, but honestly it could wait. You had an entire unit to run, and you couldn’t let your fear of seeing him and having that conversation distract you from the important work you’d be doing.

Monday came far too quickly. Your parents had been a huge help, and the house was almost completely unpacked. Nora had settled in well with them being there with you both, and you were incredibly grateful to them for supporting you.

You had gotten up early to make breakfast and eat with Nora before heading into the office. When you walked into the FBI building, you made your way to the front desk to get your ID and then headed to the director’s office.

“Welcome! We are so glad to have you and your team joining us at the FBI. Child crimes is something that has needed an official unit for far too long, I am just happy to have you leading it.” Director Cruz greeted you.

“Thank you Director, it is truly an honor to have been asked to lead this team. From my understanding, Theo and Leila will be here tomorrow to begin officially.”

“That’s correct. I want to go over some logistics with you before I show you to your office. As of right now your team will just be the three of you, if we see a need to expand, we will. I am going to assign you and your agents each a specific unit for if you are needed in more than one place. You will be the point person for the Behavioral Analysis Unit and the Sex Crimes Unit, Leila will take point with Violent Crimes and Theo will take point with Cybercrimes. I anticipate that your team will work closest with the BAU and SCU.” Director Cruz explained.

“That all sounds good sir. Are the Unit Chiefs of these departments all aware of our arrival? I just want to ensure they will be prepared to work with us and that there won’t be too much pushback.” You posed.

“I understand. Yes, they have all been informed of your team’s arrival and I have made it very clear that their cooperation is nonnegotiable. At the end of the day, we all have the same goal, so hopefully there will be very little pushback from our agents.” Director Cruz reassured you. “Are you ready to see your office now?”

“Yes sir, thank you.”

Stepping off the elevator onto the sixth floor, you immediately took note of the directory sign listing that the BAU was housed on this floor. It made your stomach churn, knowing that you would most definitely see Aaron every day… not to mention in like the next few minutes.

“Okay so, through this door here is where the BAU is, as I mentioned before. There are two open desks down in the bullpen there for Theo and Leila, and your office is just there. You will be between agents Hotchner and Rossi.” Director Cruz noted as you entered your office. “I’d like to introduce you to agent Hotchner before I let you settle in; I think it is important given how frequently you’ll be working together.”

“Of course, sir.” You nodded.

The ten steps it took to get from your office to his felt like an eternity. You felt sick knowing that you’d have to face the man that had broken you all those years ago. You may have ended things with him officially, but he had truly ended it when he decided that you weren’t worthy of communicating with. At this point you were just hoping that he’d grown up in that area, because you really needed him to take the news of Nora well.

“Agent Hotchner, I have the new child crimes unit chief here for you to meet.” And before Director Cruz could give Aaron your name, it escaped his own lips, framed by his shocked expression. “Oh, you two know each other?”

“Agent Hotchner was a guest lecturer for one of my undergrad courses. He was my inspiration for entering this field.” You supplied.

It wasn’t a total lie…

“Yes, she was a bright student. I’m not surprised to see that she made it to the FBI.” Aaron added.

“Alright then, I will leave you to catch up then.” With that, the Director made his way back to his office.

“How um…how are you?” Aaron inquired.

“I’m well Aaron. I don’t really think anymore small talk is necessary. I should go get settled into my office.” You huffed out a breath before exiting the room.

You made sure to take your time getting settled. Placing some personal things out on your desk and shelves. You had a few plants, some of your favorite pens, some file folders, you hung up your degrees, you organized your psychology books on the shelves along with some law books, and the last, most important detail was a framed photo of you and Nora that you sat next to your lamp.

The day had sped by as you made yourself comfortable on the couch in your office while reading through some emails from other units and some case files of theirs from previous cases to see how they typically ran things. You had been trekking along just fine until a quite knock broke your concentration. Looking up, you weren’t entirely surprised to see it was Aaron standing there.

“I just wanted to check in and see how you were doing. It’s almost eight.” Aaron informed you.

“Oh shit! I didn’t even realize!” You scrambled to check your phone.

“I know that you said small talk wasn’t necessary, and I agree. I would however really like to take you to dinner to catch up, and maybe I can explain some things.” Aaron requested.

“Oh, I um. I’m not sure that’s a good idea…I uh-”

“Please. I really need to explain myself, for how awful I was back then. No excuses, just maybe it’ll help you see my point of view. I’ve worked on myself a lot since then.” Aaron pleaded.

“I have to make a call first.” You conceded.

“Of course. I’ll give you some privacy.” He exited your office.

You quickly called your mom, letting her know that you were going to dinner with a coworker, asking her to take care of the remainder of Nora’s bedtime routine. You also had to inform her you wouldn’t need to be picked up. After which you spoke to Nora wishing her a good night and giving her a kiss through the phone. You then gathered your belongings and met Aaron in the bullpen.

“So, I don’t have my car. My parents are in town, they helped me move, so I left my car with them.” You explained sheepishly.

“No worries, if you’re comfortable with it, I can drive us. I can take you home after as well.” Aaron offered.

“Yeah, that would be great. Thank you.” You offered a gentle smile.

Aaron gestured you to the elevator and you made your way down to the parking garage. Aaron, ever the gentleman made sure to open the car door for you, both in the garage and again at the restaurant. There was a tinge of sadness that flooded your mind as you noticed where Aaron took you.

It had been your go to for date nights back when you were together. It was a recommendation from Dave – who you couldn’t help but feel a bit of resentment toward given the “too young” comment. You wondered if Aaron brought you here on purpose, and he must’ve picked up on your thought.

“I’m sorry, I don’t know why I drove us here. I guess it was muscle memory.” He shook his head.

“It’s okay. I’ve missed the food honestly.” You let out a little chuckle.

“I have too. I uh, I haven’t been here since we ended.” Aaron’s voice trailed off toward the end of his statement.

You were relieved that the night hadn’t been filled with awkward silence. It had, however, been a lot of catching up while Aaron avoided the main reason he brought you here and you avoided talking about Nora. You were both saved by the waiter when he came by to get your order.

“Would you like to see the wine list?”

“No thank you. I’ll just have water.” You were quick to answer.

“Water is fine for me also.” Aaron added.

“Are you ready to order your entrees then?”

“I will have the Mezzi Rigatoni, and she will have the Ricotta Cavatelli.” Aaron declared.

The waiter nodded and walked off. You couldn’t help but look at Aaron with a bit of shock. It is what you always ordered, so you couldn’t be mad, but it felt foreign and all too familiar at the same time. He always ordered for you when you used to go out, he used to know you better than you knew yourself…but that was then.

“I’m so sorry – I don’t know why I did that” Aaron was quick to apologize “Maybe coming here was a bad idea. It’s all too familiar.”

“It’s okay Aaron. I was going to order it anyway. Maybe we should talk about why we’re here.” You suggested.

“Of course. I want to explicitly state that I am not trying to make excuses for how I acted then, because I know I was horrible to you in the end. I do just want to give you some insight as to what I was going through at that time. I really want to communicate now what I didn’t then.” He began.

You nodded for him to continue as the waiter brought your food and drinks.  

“So, you know that Haley and I divorced before you and I got together officially. Well once you and I became serious and my time was either spent at work or with you and Jack, Haley didn’t seem to like that. She uh, she tried to fight me for primary custody of Jack.” Aaron explained.

“What? Aaron why didn’t you tell me?”

“Honestly, because I knew you’d take a step back in our relationship. I knew that with how selfless you are, you’d offer to back off and give me more time with Jack and I didn’t want that. I wanted to have you and Jack, so I kept it to myself. Which broke us anyway.” He concluded.

“I really wish you would’ve told me; things may have been different Aaron. I am glad you’re telling me now though.” You desperately wanted to reach for his hand but ultimately decided against it.

Now was as good a time as any, you had to tell him about Nora. He confessed something and it was your turn. And just as you were about to open your mouth, a shrill ring sounded from Aaron’s coat pocket.

“Hotchner. Yes…CCU as well? Yes – I’m with their unit chief now. We’re on our way.” Aaron hung up the phone and looked over at you. “Is your team here in Virginia?”

“Yes, they’re not meant to start until tomorrow.” You provided.

“Call them in, we have a case. Time is of the essence.” Aaron signaled for the check.

The two of you contacted your respective teams as you made your way back to the car. Aaron once again opened your door for you and drove you back to the office. You texted your parents and informed them of the case and asked your mom to let Nora know you’d be home as soon as you could.

30 minutes later you were on a private jet to Chicago with your team and the entirety of the BAU. You had unintentionally sat beside Aaron and began going over the case details with everyone. Aaron had begun explaining the preliminary profile, and you couldn’t help but chime in. Everyone was watching how the two of you riffed and bounced ideas off of one another so naturally.

“Just a reminder, there are new protocols for entry into the crime scene when we are locating the children. We need to follow those exactly to ensure we don’t harm these children more so than they are already. If you have any questions about those procedures feel free to ask me or my agents.” You instructed.

“Right. Now for assignments, Dave, JJ and Theo I’d like you to interview the family of the latest victim –”

“Molly Leland.” You corrected.

“Apologies. Dave, JJ, Theo go to the Leland’s and find out anything you can. Morgan, Prentiss and Leila, you three go to the abduction site, I want to ensure CSU didn’t miss anything. And Reid you’ll be with us at the station to start on the geographical profile.” Aaron finished, gesturing to the two of you.

Six days. It had been six days, and you still hadn’t made any progress on this case. Another child had gone missing, and things were incredibly tense. Both teams had been in the designated room within the precinct going over theories.

“I think we’re looking at this all wrong…” Leila began, “I think the person abducting these kids is younger than initially profiled.”

“Given their disorganization and the lack of consistent victimology, I’d say that’s a pretty plausible theory.” Spencer validated.

“Okay, Leila what were you thinking?” You inquired.

“What if it is a teenager? My thoughts were a kid who grew up in foster care – hence the random victimology. They just want siblings, and that’s why there aren’t any bodies.”  Leila suggested.

“I think she’s onto something. If it was a young adult who was newly alone in the world, they’d be looking to find people to surround themselves with.” Morgan continued.

“Garcia, run a search for kids that just aged out of group homes and foster care.” Aaron called to their technical analyst.

“Within the geographical limits I just sent over to you.” Spencer added.

When your phone rang, you excused yourself from the room, answering the call from your mom. You could immediately tell something was wrong given the slight lilt to her voice.

“Mom, what’s wrong?...Why do you need the children’s Tylenol. … Fever? What’s her temperature? … 103? MOM! You need to take her to the ER. … I’m serious! … I’m coming home. … Yes! … I’ll be there as soon as I can. … Take her straight to Bethesda. …Ok. Bye.”

You turned and jumped in surprise at Aaron standing there behind you.

“I just came to let you know we’re splitting up to check out a few leads. Is everything okay?” He asked.

You could tell he had more questions and that he’d more than likely heard the entirety of your conversation but was holding back in asking them.

“Um no. My daughter is sick. She has a pretty high fever. I uh, I need to get home.” You panicked.

“Okay. We will get you home then. I’ll send the teams out and I will make some calls. For now, just try to stay positive okay?” Aaron had always been the calm in the storm.

He sent three separate groups out to find the unsub and had made a few calls back to the director to get you on an emergency flight home. He went as far as to drive you to the hotel and then to the hangar.

“Aaron.”

“Get home to your daughter.” He offered a small smile.

“Thank you.”

Leila had texted to update you that they had caught the unsub and would be heading home in the next hour or so. You had been grateful that the team had successfully closed the case. What was killing you, was the state of your baby girl. She had an excessively high fever, and it just wouldn’t break.

“Miss, there’s someone here to see you.” The nurse informed you.

You looked over at your mom who gave you a nod and you exited the room. Following the nurse to the waiting room, you were surprised to see Aaron standing there.

“I just wanted to see how she’s doing, and how you are.” He declared.

“I um. I’m…” You couldn’t help but break down.

Aaron immediately pulled you into his arms and moved you both over to a couch in the waiting area. He let his hand brush over your hair and whispered reassurances to you. The two of you sat like this for a while before you slowly pulled away.

“Sorry. She just has this fever, and it won’t break, and they don’t know what’s wrong.”

“Sweetheart it’s okay. She will be okay.” Aaron grabbed your hand.

A moment went by and then an alarm sounded. Your gaze shot up as you watched medical staff make their way to Nora’s room. You got up and ran to her room, with Aaron hot on your heels.

“What’s happening? What is going on? Somebody tell me what is going on!” You were practically shouting as Aaron pulled you from the room.

Your mom was pacing in the hallway as Aaron held you back from storming back in. It was killing him to see you this distraught.

“It was a febrile seizure. This can happen when children have such a high fever. We’ve given her a sedative to try and help her rest and we pushed some more Tylenol to aid in breaking the fever.” The doctor explained.

“Is she going to be okay?” You questioned.

“We’re doing everything we can. A nurse will be by soon to take her temperature again.” The doctor walked away.

“I’m going to go find your dad. That way you two can have some privacy.” Your mom said pulling you into a hug.

“This is Nora.” You told Aaron as you ran your hand over her forehead, brushing her curls away from her face.

“She’s beautiful.” He complimented.

You sat in silence for a bit with him just watching Nora. You could tell part of him was itching to ask, but you also knew that Nora was a bit small for her age so he couldn’t be sure that she was his. This moment of avoidance was terminated the second the billing staff came in to get all of your information.

“Hey there, I wanted to confirm all of the info for billing. Do you have your driver’s license and insurance card?” The staff requested.

“Yes, here it is.” You passed her the card.

She filled in all of your information, clicking away on her keyboard while the rest of the room sat with a looming silence. You could feel the question coming. You had been an idiot to give Nora her father’s last name.

“Okay and can you confirm the patient’s name and date of birth for me?”

“Yes, it’s uh…Nora Leigh Hotchner. That’s H-O-T-C-H-N-E-R. Date of birth is 10/4/2019.” You could feel Aaron’s gaze burning into you.

“Alright, here are those cards back. Thank you.” She made her leave.

“Seriously?”

“Aaron, let me explain.”

“Not here.” He motioned toward Nora.

He swiftly made his way out of the room, and you were quick to follow. In noticing your parents, you signaled for them to sit with Nora as you practically chased after Aaron. He didn’t stop until he was in a private waiting room, it was only then that he turned to face you.

“Are you fucking kidding me? She’s mine? And what, you didn’t think to tell me…I don’t know, FOUR YEARS AGO?” Aaron was fuming.

A part of you understood his response, but another part of you was furious that he wasn’t allowing you to explain before flying off the handle.

“Don’t yell at me. If we’re going to do this, we will talk like adults. I will not sit here and allow you to berate me.” You held your ground.

“Okay.”

“I found out I was pregnant after I left for New York. And at that point Aaron, I was so devastated by our breakup, and I just didn’t think I could be around you. I know that’s not fair, but I had thought you and I were forever and then we’d just ended. I was going to tell you last week at dinner, but then we got called in. Aaron I am so sorry, and I know that doesn’t make up for the time you’ve lost, but I also need you to know that I did what I felt like I had to do.” You let your gaze fall to the floor in guilt.

“I understand. I’m not happy, but I get it.” He reached for your hand.

You accepted the gesture and furthered it by pulling him into an embrace. He wrapped his arms around you and rested his head atop your own.

“I’ve told her about you.” You whispered.

“What?”

“I’ve told her about you. She’s seen pictures and heard stories. She knows you Aaron.”

He held you a little tighter and you nuzzled a little closer. After a few moments he suggested that you both get back to your girl. You both sat with her all night, letting your parents go home. At three in the morning, the night nurse gave you the good news, her fever had finally broken. The next day, Aaron drove the two of you home, leaving with a scheduled family day where you would introduce Jack and Nora. You had also discussed talking to the kids about their birthday party (since their birthday’s are only 3 days apart). With Jack turning seven and Nora turning 5 in a little more than a month, you wanted to plan something big for the two of them.

** One Month Later **

“Okay, the bounce house is set up and the petting zoo guy just arrived. Where should he set up?” Penelope asked.

“On the southeast side!” Dave hollered.

You were setting up the last of the hors d’oeuvres, while the members of both the CCU and BAU helped get Dave’s backyard set up for the kids birthday party. You were so incredibly grateful for this family you’d come to have.

“We’re here with cake!” Hestia announced.

“Hes! Selene! Hey guys, you can set that up on that round table over there.” You pointed.

Selene came over and gave you a hug, you snuck a snack into her hand and nodded over to your bag.

“My iPad is in there with the Twilight movies all downloaded. Dave has a sitting room down the hall to the right.” You winked at her.

“Thanks mom!” Selene said hugging you once more before heading off.

“Do you have another kid I don’t know about?” Aaron joked, wrapping his arms around you from behind.

“Ha ha! No, Selene just calls me mom. We’ve both taken care of her since their mom passed, but it became an inside joke that I acted as the mom to Nora, Selene and Hestia.” You huffed a laugh.

“It’s true!” Hestia confirmed, before taking a case of juice boxes outside to the cooler.

“You know, I wouldn’t be opposed to it.” Aaron murmured, pressing a kiss to your neck.

“Opposed to what?” You giggled.

“More kids.”

“Aaron! We only just got back together, and we are at our children’s birthday party! Behave yourself.” You hissed.

“I know, but this time around, I’m not letting you go. I plan on marrying you and I just want you to know that I’m open to more children, one day, when and if you’re ready.” He punctuates it with a kiss to your lips.

“Well, I’m open to it too. And whenever you ask, my answer is yes Aaron. You’ve proven to me that you’ve grown since we ended before and I can’t stand the thought of going without you again so, I’m in this, for as long as you’ll have me.” You kissed him once more before carrying a tray outside to the party.

Aaron smiled and grabbed his phone, opening it to check the status of his order. There on his screen was confirmation that your ring had been customized, made, sized, quality checked, and would be shipping out soon.

He couldn’t wait to spend forever with you.

[bad268]

Could u write a princess of Monaco and Arthur lecrelc , I see this being written so much for Charles and none for Arthur

thank you :)

Queen of Monaco (Arthur Leclerc X Reader)

Fandom: RPF/Formula 2/3

Requested: Clearly (haha we have the same mind bc I was already drafting this before you requested it)

Warnings: death of parents and brother (mentioned), google translate, the Monaco curse is affecting Arthur now and that's a warning itself bro. I am in denial about the race results today, so I made this to make me happy.

Pronouns: She/Her

W.C. 4108

Summary: The beginning of the relationship between Arthur Leclerc and the Queen of Monaco.

As always, my requests are OPEN

MASTERLIST // HITLIST

~~(@/Arthur's insta from January 29, 2023)

It was a normal day in Monaco. It was not a race week, and there were no pressing matters to attend. I had just returned to Monaco last week after attending the Massachusetts Institute of Technology in the United States, but I just received my Bachelor's degree and wanted to return home before starting my Master's. I decided to take my first semester online, so I could go home and spend time with my family.

When I got back, my parents urgently began to train me for the throne even though I was not next in line. Despite having an older brother who was scheduled to become the King of Monaco after my parents, he had to serve in the military before he could move forward. They wanted to have me prepare in the event that something happened to him in battle. 

I had never really been in the public eye due to my brother being the next in line. He was always the one attending meetings, trainings, and keeping up appearances. I was free to do as I pleased for the most part, but in 2015, they sent me to a training school in London. It taught the basics of monarchy and the foundations of how to run a country. It was the same one my brother attended. Even in my spare time, I found my passion in mechanical engineering and aerodynamics. It took some persuasion, but my parents allowed me to attend MIT after my graduation because they were so sure that I would not be needed. My brother is in the final stages of the training. All he needed to do was finish the last few months of military training, and then he would be crowned. 

Upon my return, I learned that my mother was ill, so they wanted to get my brother crowned quickly. However, they practically had to start from square one since I was provided very minimal training in London. My father was furious, not at me, but at the situation they had been placed in. They told me the best thing I could do while they prepare the training is to memorize Monaco as it had been nearly seven years since I had been here. 

I was walking down the pier, looking at all of the little shops that lined the pavement and the boats at the dock. There was a small ice cream shop, a couple of clothing stores, a few restaurants, and a salon. I realized that I had not had my hair professionally done since before college, so I thought it would be a good idea to treat myself.

“Bonjour, comment puis-je vou aider? (Hello, how can I help you?)” A lady greeted me as I stepped through the door. It was a small shop, no one else was in there, but it was cute and welcoming other than the fact that I could not remember French for the life of me.

“I’m sorry, my French is no good,” I replied sheepishly, fully prepared to leave, but the woman stopped me.

“Oh, not a problem, dear. My name is Pascale, what can I help you with?” She smiled, kindly, leading me over to one of the chairs. 

“Well, I haven’t gotten my hair done in almost four years, so I think it’s time to freshen up,” I explained. 

“Oh perfect, I can most certainly help with that,” She laughed, placing an apron around my shoulders. “Are you thinking about dye, highlights, trim, cutting…” She started listing more but I couldn't follow along with all of the terminology. 

“Uh, probably just a trim,” I chuckled, “my parents would kill me if I showed up with short, dyed hair.”

“Not a problem at all,” she grinned and began cutting the ends, little by little, as we made small conversations. “What do you do for work?”

“I actually don’t have a job at the moment,” technically, “but I just came back from the United States. I was at MIT for the last four years, getting my bachelors in mechanical engineering and aerodynamics, and before that, I attended boarding school in London.”

“That’s interesting,” she hummed, “Sounds like you like Formula 1?”

“Not so much the races. I just like the cars,” I laughed in response. “I like learning what could make the cars better, faster, stronger, and safer, but the actual races aren't something for me. I watched one too many accidents end badly, so I can never find enjoyment in it anymore. The last race I went to was in Japan, and I lost my best friend.”

“Oh, I’m sorry about that, dear. If you ever need to talk, I’m here,” Pascale consoled. I looked at her confused through the mirror. She just set the scissors down just as her phone got a notification. She pulled out her phone and opened the notification. It was a text message with a picture. “That is my son, Charles, and his best friend, Pierre. They’re in Formula 1. They went out karting today, and he just sent me this.”

“Oh, Charles Leclerc and Pierre Gasly! I know them,” I recognized immediately. “That’s your son?”

“Yeah, he’s always had this passion for driving, so I’m proud to see him living his dreams,” She smiled, putting her phone back, and resumed cutting my hair.

“Well, I’m proud of him too, and I don’t even know him.” I laughed. 

“Maybe, if you’d ever change your mind, you could join us for a race,” Pascale offered. “Only if you’re up for it.”

“I’ll have to see, but probably not,” I declined nervously. 

“It’s not a problem, dear,” She said, patting my shoulders. “But you are all done. How do you like it?”

My hair was shorter by a couple of inches, but it felt so much lighter and healthier than it did earlier today. “I love it so much, Pascale! Thank you so much! How much do I owe you?”

“Nothing, just promise you’ll think about joining us? It would do you some good to get to know more people, and you could even check out the cars before the race! If you’re not comfortable staying for the race, you can always leave. Just promise you’ll think about it before immediately rejecting it?” She pleaded.

“Fine, I’ll think about it,” I laughed, “but only because you were so persuasive!”

–

The next time I was out in the streets was nearly a week later. My time was being packed with different trainings and attending private events, but nothing public yet so as to not stir up controversy. I decided to go to a local bakery and get some tea and some food. The food in the castle just did not compare to my favorite bakery. Not by a long shot. 

When I walked in, there were not a lot of people in there. It was a small shop with only two tables and a counter. There was the person behind the counter, Ella, and three people at the tables. One sat by himself and the other two occupied the second table. I approached Ella and ordered a tea and sandwich. She said she would bring it right over once it was finished, and I approached the man sitting by himself.

“Bonjour,” I greeted, my French was slowly coming back to me but not enough to carry a full conversation. The man looked up from his phone at me. He had blue eyes and shady blonde hair. He had airpods in and took one out as I approached the table. “My name is Y/n. Would it be alright if I sit with you? The other table is filled.”

 “Of course,” He responded immediately, moving the bag that was hanging on the other chair to the floor. “I’m Arthur.”

“Nice to meet you, Arthur. Thank you for letting me sit with you,” I laughed, taking the seat that he pulled out for me. “I really appreciate that.”

“It’s my pleasure,” He chuckled along, “It was just empty anyway.”

~

That was the start of an inseparable bond. It was strange having someone so close again because even though I had some friends in school, they were never as close as Arthur was. For the first couple of months, any time that was not filled with training was spent with each other. Whether it be chilling in his apartment, driving around Monaco, boat rides, and random trips around France and Italy, we were content with doing random acts of entertainment. It didn’t take long before he asked me to be his girlfriend.

One thing we knew would be difficult is the time commitments. With his recent change from Formula 3 to Formula 2 and more royal training for me, we knew it was going to be more time-consuming. That didn’t stop us, however. Tuesdays were the most random day of the week, but neither of us had any responsibilities.

One day in particular, the day before he was set to go to Australia, we were at his apartment, and I was helping him pack since he *conveniently* forgot. We had gone to get smoothies and acai bowls earlier that morning before heading to his apartment. Then, after we ate, we put on some music as background noise while we packed and conversed back and forth.

“Would you ever come to a race with me?” He asked as he pulled a couple of shirts out of his closet. “I know you didn’t have a good experience at the last one, but would you be willing to give it another time?”

“I don’t know, A. I get anxiety just knowing you’re racing,” I explained. Moving to fold the shirts he’s pulling out. 

“That sound like an improvement!” He laughed, jumping over and wrapping his arms around my shoulders as I put the folded clothes in the suitcase. “When we first started talking, you said no immediately. Now, you’re saying you don’t know.”

“What can I say?” I leaned back into his embrace, “You are pretty persuasive.”

“What are the chances of you coming to the Monaco Grand Prix with me?”

“The odds are in your favor since I don’t go anywhere,” I laughed in response. He turned me around in his arms. He was pouting and had his head tilted slightly. “No, don’t do the puppy face. You know I can’t say no to that face.”

“Please?”

With a heavy sigh and a joking eye roll, I caved. I was about to vocalize my decision, but my phone started ringing. This time, my sigh was out of annoyance after seeing it was from Mila, my personal guard and trainer.  “I need to answer that, but yes, I promise to go to the Monaco Grand Prix with you.”

“Of course,” He exclaimed, kissing me all over my face. “I will take care of everything. You go take the call, and I’ll finish packing in here.”

With a small smile, I walked out of his bedroom to the living room and stepped out onto the balcony before answering the phone. “Hi, Mila. What did I forget?”

“Nothing, but are you near the palace?” She responded. Just the tone of her voice made me nervous.

“Not really, I’m about 20 minutes away. Do I need to head back?” 

“Yes, let me know when you get here.” And with that, she hung up. I walked back in to see Arthur with his suitcase fully packed by the door.

“I need to head home,” I started. “Something’s not right.”

“That’s fine,” He reassured, pulling me into a hug. “I’ll need to head out for my flight soon anyway, so I’ll walk you to your car.” 

During the drive back, my mind wandered. Was there a meeting I missed? I couldn’t remember having anything scheduled on a Tuesday. Most meetings were on Mondays or Wednesdays and policy training sessions were Thursdays and Fridays. Maybe there was a last-minute meeting.

Pulling through the gates, I texted Mila once I parked in our car park, and a few guards were waiting for me. “Hi, what did I miss?”

“Y/n, we need to talk,”  one of the guards, Chris, said, and right then, I knew things were worse than I thought. We walked through the corridors to reach one of the meeting rooms, but the only person in there was Mila. The guards immediately turned around and left the room.

“Mila-”

“Have a seat,” She cut me off, gesturing to the seat next to her. I took it hesitantly as I looked at her skeptically. “So, I’m not going to beat around the bush with this. As you know, your mother, the queen, was sick.”

“I assume she died then? That’s what this was for?” I cut her short. However, there was something on her face that said she wasn’t finished. “Okay, I’ll let you continue.”

She shook her head dismissively, “No, it’s fine, but you’re right. She passed away early this morning.”

“So my brother will be crowned when he comes back?”

“That’s the next news,” Mila paused. I encouraged her to just rip the bandaid off because I was getting impatient. “Your father went to the base to get your brother, but there was an explosion. There was a gas leak, and somehow the building they were in exploded. We’re still waiting on the details.”

“Wait, so my entire family…” I trailed off, but she knew where I was going. She just nodded solemnly as she pulled me into her side. “So that means…”

“It means you are to be the queen.”

~

Third POV

Ever since the Melbourne Grand Prix, Arthur has been talking about how his girlfriend was going to join him on the paddock for the Monaco Grand Prix. To say that his friends and brothers teased him would be putting it lightly. Any chance they could, they asked questions about this “girlfriend” of his that they had never heard of, and Arthur was willing to spill all of the details. On the Thursday before the Monaco Grand Prix when he was driving to the track with Charles, he accidentally let it slip that he actually had not heard from her recently. He asked Charles to check his phone to see if she had texted him recently.

“Wait, you haven't heard from her in over a month and you’re not at all worried?” Charles asked, very concerned for someone he’s never met.

“No, we’ve definitely texted recently,” Arthur responded in disbelief. When they pulled up to a red light, Charles showed him that the last message from her was April 1. “No, we’ve definitely talked.”

“Here, pull over. We’ll switch, so you can call her, and I’ll drive us the rest of the way to the track,” Charles said, already getting out of the car as soon as they were on the shoulder. He immediately dialed her number, and after a few rings, it went to voicemail. He thought about leaving her a voice message, but she was already calling him back before he could start.

“Hey, traffic is hideous, but I’m almost there,” She started her explanation. She was sitting in the backseat with a couple of guards, and Mila as her driver took them to the track. “Are you already there?”

“No, we’re not there yet,” he laughed. “Charles and I are still stuck in traffic, but we noticed that I hadn’t messaged you since the Australian Grand Prix. Thought I would call to see if you were still coming.” Charles was half listening to the conversation, but he was smiling to himself, hearing how lovestruck his younger brother sounded.

“Oh, definitely,” She chuckled. Mila nudged the girl with a knowing grin. “I’ve just been insanely busy recently, but I promised. On the bright side, I finished my training!”

“No way, I’m so proud of you, ma chéri!” Arthur cheered. Charles was a little confused as he pulled into the track, but let it go, knowing Arthur would explain it later. “Does that mean there will be a ceremony or something?”

“You could call it a ceremony, yes,” She giggled. She noticed that they were only a few blocks away from the car park of the track, so she turned her phone away toward her shoulder as she directed a question to Mila, “Could I jump out and meet up with Arthur before the race? I promise I’ll be careful, and I’ll be in the box before it starts.” Mila turned to discuss it with one of the guards who was entirely against it. “Please, I won’t leave Arthur’s side, and you know he’s trustworthy.”

“I won’t let her out of my sight, Mila!” Arthur’s voice could be heard through the phone despite it not being on speaker. She gestured to the phone at her shoulder as Mila tried to reason with the guard.

“I’ll go with you,” Mila said as she started collecting their passes and jumping out of the car that was stopped in the traffic going into the parking lot. Y/n immediately climbed out of the back, pulling her phone back up to her ear.

“Alright, Arthur, where do you want us to meet you?”

~~

First POV

“You seem to have gotten shorter since Melbourne,” I laughed as I ran into Arthur’s arms from where he was waiting at the Dams garage. 

“You’re wearing heels,” he pointed out after we pulled away. “What are you and what have you done with my girlfriend?”

“You say that like you don’t like me in heels,” I teased back.

“Ok, lovebirds,” Mila pulled our attention away from each other, “I am going to head up to our seats. Don’t tell anyone I left.”

“Your secret’s safe with me. Thank you, Mila,” I responded as she started walking away.

“You have seats?” Arthur asked.

“Yeah, I didn’t want to rely on you for the passes for Mila, so she bought us hospitality seats,” I explain. It wasn’t the whole truth, but I could not just tell him that in the open. “Is it possible to talk somewhere away from the cameras?”

“You’re not breaking up with me, right?” He immediately jumped to conclusions.

“No, no, no, no,” I quickly shut down. “Je t’aime trop pour partir, mon amour. I just want to tell you something. (I love you too much to leave, my love)”

“Je t’aime, ma belle, (I love you, my beauty)” He whispered, pulling me in for a light kiss before leading me back towards the driver’s room he shares with Ayumu. “Make yourself comfortable.”

I took a seat on one of the beanbags as Arthur sat right next to me. I took a deep breath before deciding the best way to tell him was just to say it fast. “Arthur, I need to tell you about my family.”

“Are you trying to have me meet your family already? You could meet my brothers and maman today if you want,” He rambled.

“I can meet them, but you won’t be able to meet my family. That day you left for Australia was the day I found out they passed away.” I paused looking at his reactions. He looked sorrowful as he grasped my hands and ran his thumbs across the backs of my hands. “Maman had an illness, and papa went to get my brother from the base.”

“Your brother’s in the military?” He asked.

“Was,” I answered. He looked even more confused at that before I continued. “He was serving in the military as his last stage of training. Kind of like my trainings, he had to serve in the military.”

“What kind of training did you need to do? Was this part of your degree or something?”

“No, that’s the big secret I haven’t been able to tell you,” I whispered, putting my head down as I felt guilty for not explaining this sooner.

“Anything you have to say, I will accept you either way,” He reassured me as he pulled me into his chest and kissed my head. “I understand that you have your reasons for hiding some things, so whatever this is, it is not going to stop me from loving you.”

“What if it is complex with more spotlight than you already have?” I asked, throwing my head to rest on his shoulder and looking into his blue eyes. “What if it’s a big change?”

“When we go public, it will be a big change, but I’m willing to do anything for you, ma princesse.”

“Reine, (Queen)” I whispered.

“Quoi? (What)” He responded just as fast.

“What if I told you my parents were the king and queen of Monaco? And my older brother was the prince of Monaco? And now that they’re gone, I will be the queen of Monaco? What would you do?” 

He went silent for a few seconds before whispering, “Are you serious?” My silence was enough of an answer for him to jump up, pulling me with him as he starts laughing and spinning us in circles. He set me down after a couple of spins before holding me at arm's length,  “I would completely understand. I mean you probably didn’t plan on taking the throne because of your brother, and you’d just come back from studying. I only tell people who need to know, and when we met, I wasn’t someone who needed to know. We haven't talked since you found out, so I could never be upset with something like that.”

“But now, if we tell people, you will be heavily scrutinized as people will see you as a potential king,” I signed, happy to know he isn’t upset with me, but still wanting him to see all sides before completely agreeing to move forward. “You’d have more on your list.”

“The only question I would have is if it would interfere with racing,” He turned serious.

“I would never let them keep you from your passions,” I laughed. “They have to respect it by order of the queen.”

“Well, then I would see no issues against continuing to be by your side, ma reine,” he chuckled with a mocking bow.

“Merci mon beau prince, (Thank you my handsome prince)” I mocked back, “now by order of the queen, go win this race.”

~~

“And Arthur Leclerc passes Fredrik Vesti in the final turn of the race,” Crofty shouted over the radio during the final lap of the race. I was up in the hospitality seats with Mila and the guards but headed down to the pitlane a couple of laps before since I was going to be presenting the trophies. I was standing at the pit wall with Charles, Lorenzo, and Pascale, who I met (again) just before the race. “The Monaco Curse is broken for Arthur Leclerc as he wins his first Monaco Grand Prix!”

 I left the pit wall to meet everyone at the podium and stopped to meet up with Mila on my way over. She and the guards escorted me through the crowds. “I’ll tell you now, one of you will need to tell Arthur not to out our relationship when I give him his trophy.”

At the podium, I stood behind the steps as Alice announces the winners. “In third place, we have Théo Pourchaire! In second place, we have Frederik Vesti! And in first place, breaking the Monaco Curse, the home favorite, Arthur Leclerc! Presenting the trophies today is the future Queen of Monaco, Y/n.”

“I’m proud of you,” I said to Arthur as I handed him the trophy.

“Merci, now if only Charles could win,” He joked, taking the trophy and posing with it.

“I’ll tell him you’re talking crap about him,” I teased back, moving away to grab the next trophy for Dams. I handed them all out and expressed my congratulations to the other two drivers before posing for the picture and immediately ducking back as I knew Arthur would try to spray me. I walked down the stairs to meet up with Charles before he heads back to Ferrari for his own race. “Arthur’s talking shit about you. You better win.”

“I’m starting sixth, so we have hope,” Charles responded as he rolled his eyes.

“Just don’t box for hards at the last lap again and you’ll be fine,” I laughed as if it were really that simple. 

“Maybe I broke the curse for both of us or maybe I just had some good luck today,” Arthur said, coming up behind us and throwing his arm around my shoulders.

“Oh yeah, what good luck did you have?” Charles teased, punching Arthur into me.

“Maybe just the future queen of Monaco.”

~~~~~

© BAD268 2023. DO NOT REPOST WITHOUT PERMISSION.

[megumi-fm]

Hi Meg, I was wondering if I could get your insight on something... I'm interested in bioinformatics as a career but am not sure whether I should pursue just a Master's or try for a PhD. How did you decide how far you want to go with your education? I noticed you mentioned you hope to do a PhD someday? Thank you so much!

hey anon! okay, so in this answer I'ma focus on two things:

my thought process behind finalizing on a PhD

my approach to furthering education

I. Why PhD?

1. I love my subjects. I love the interdisciplinary nature of computational biology and it's sister subjects and I can see myself in academia- constantly learning and researching and exploring. 2. Even on the off chance that if I don't pursue a career in academia, I think I need a PhD anyway? Most high level positions in the industry for life-sciences requires a level of expertise that only comes with a doctorate, and I think my career opportunities (+ growth) will be rather limited without it.

Considering these two points, a PhD would be most suitable for me.

———————

Now, choosing the right type of graduate program can always be challenging because there are so many ways to go about it, and I am a very indecisive person so this was especially difficult for me. Here is my approach

II. Factors I considered before taking my next steps

My Primary Short-Term Goal(s)

I opted for a B.Tech in Biotechnology after 12th grade, and it is through the course of this degree that I realized my interest in computational biology and bioinformatics. My undergrad focused on too many topics and often emphasized wet lab over dry lab, so although I'm graduating with a specialization in Medicinal and Computational Biology, I don't know nearly enough regarding the computational aspects Thus, my short-term goal is to expand my theoretical understanding of the important aspects of bioinformatics & computational biology.

2. Course Options that Work

Now, I know that I want to continue my education, I've got two options- Masters and PhD. When I considered my immediate goal against these two options, I realized four things: a. I'm not equipped with the required dry lab skills to dive headfirst into research. b. I don't know enough bioinformatics to commit to anything long term right now c. I'm looking for a course that feels like an extension of my undergrad d. I want to keep my options open and consider all career opportunities Given these three options (+ course-related expenses + my skill level), it made most sense for me to choose a MSc at the moment rather than a PhD.

3. How the Course Ties in to My Long Term Goals

As I mentioned, my long term goal is to do a PhD. However, my upcoming graduate course is actually an MSc by Coursework degree, which- unlike a Thesis program, focuses on skill development (especially industry related) rather than research. In fact, most Thesis Masters can be converted to a PhD, but my program does not have that option. At first glance, this course might seem like it's going against my long term goal but consider: - Industry related or not, I need to develop computational skills before I can pursue research - After this course I might prefer to gain work experience for a couple years before opting for a PhD. - My preferred uni(s) for PhD are different from my preferred uni for Masters. [^To give an example on the last point, for masters i considered countries/unis known for their quality of education + closer to my home country (this will be my first time living abroad alone) but for my PhD, I'm looking at countries/unis that are pioneers in research for my subjects of interest (even if they are a lot farther away from home)] So essentially, I'm relying on this course to give me the skills and knowledge I need for a PhD in the future, while also giving me a buffer to understand and align my future goals and plans. Jumping from this to a PhD would be a lot harder than from a Thesis Masters, but that's a risk I'm willing to take.

So yeah, this was the way I went about choosing both my short term and long term academic goals. I hope this provides a good starting point for you! Don't stress out too much about it though; the truth is that there is no right or wrong choice, whatever decision you make will warp around your intentions and work for you the way you want it to. Best of luck for your future endeavors!!! I'm sure it'll all work out <3

[haleyhunwritess]

hiiiii!!!!!! i am recovering from anorexia where i had to get hospitialized cuz i wouldnt eat i was wondering if you would be able to write something for me i love your writing so so much i hope you have a amazing day tommorrow or to night or when ever you read this

LOVE YOU SO MUCH=(^.^)=

You're Enough.

a/n: Oh no, love. I'm so so sorry you had to go through that. Please feel free to message me if you want to! It took me a very long time to write this because it hit a little close to home and while I haven't been diagnosed with an eating disorder, I've noticed for the past two years that I've been starving myself in a very unhealthy way, and my doctor said I show signs of body dysmorphia, so it took me a while to write this and it may not be what you wanted so i'm so sorry but i really tried my best to write this. I really hope that you're doing better now<3

warnings: angsty, implication of an ED, stressed!reader

“I know, baby, I know.” Bucky sighed listening to her cry on the phone.

“M-make it go ‘way…I have so much work left...” She mumbled as she tried to sit up. She quickly laid back down when her stomach started to hurt even more.

“Bubba, I really wish I could.”

“Why can’t you make it better,” She continued to cry loudly, “You always do.”

He could feel his heart breaking as he listened to her cry, beg him for help, “Sweetheart, I would love to help you, I just don’t think I’m close enough to do that right. I wish I was there to take care of you…”

He felt guilty for leaving her. He didn’t have a choice in but it still pained him to listen to her crying because she was in so much pain. If Sam wouldn't have called him for help then he would’ve stayed with her.

She was still in school but she's supposed to graduate next year. She'd been dreaming about going to graduate school to get her masters. But lately, she felt like she was suffocating trying to get good grades. She'd been trying her absolute best but sometimes it felt like it wasn't enough.

Last year, she failed two classes, and almost failed a third one. She couldn't figure out why it happened until she got diagnosed with ADD. Her doctor talked to her about taking medication and getting treatment. She explained neurodiversity, and how late diagnosis like this often affects your grades and work.

During summer, she tried to make up for it all but she got a little obsessive. One time, she nearly went 3 days without eating anything because she was too focused on an essay that was due soon. Her stomach hurt so much on the fourth day, so she tried to eat something but ended up getting sick and throwing it all up. She drank some water and got back to work. She was at her desk for hours until Bucky finally forced her to take a break.

As soon as she got up from her desk, she nearly passed out in his arms. He had to hold her up while her head was spinning. He'd been so worried, so scared. He helped her to her bed before getting her something to drink. She took a few sips before confessing that she hadn't had a thing in days.

She'd been doing much better with his help lately, but every now and then, she struggles to have even one meal a day. She'd always had a complicated relationship with her body and food. But it felt like it had been getting worse lately.

If she was in this much pain before Bucky left, he never would’ve left her alone. But now there’s not much he could do besides try to cheer her up with sweet words of encouragement over the phone.

“Hate being alone like this…hurts so much…” She mumbled, pulling the blanket over her head before bringing her phone back to her ear.

“Bubba how about you get some rest and I’ll try to figure something out so you’ll feel better in no time, yeah? How does that sound, baby, is that okay?” Bucky had a plan that might help her feel a bit better until he comes back.

She mumbled a quick yes before hanging up the phone and slowly falling back asleep.

After a while, she woke up to someone gently stroking her hair. At first she leaned into their touch but then she realized that Bucky wasn’t supposed to be home yet. She quickly pushed the person away and sat up in her bed to see who it was.

“Hey, it’s just me! Don’t panic, sweetheart, Bucky called me and said you weren’t feeling too well?” She relaxed when she realized it was just Steve. She slowly nodded, lying back down and curling in on herself. The pain had only gotten worse.

“Poor baby, it’s alright, everything is going to be okay! I brought you some food and something to drink so you’ll be feeling better in no time.” She quickly shook her head, and covered herself up with the blanket again. The thought of eating anything right now was enough to make her feel sick.

“Bubba…you know you have to eat, love. I know you’re very cozy right now, and I promise we can cuddle soon, but darling you know food is very important too.”

She quietly sniffled at his words, feeling a bit overwhelmed. She knew he was right. She didn’t enjoy feeling this way, she knew how unhealthy this was for her. But her brain wouldn’t allow her to agree so quickly. She just started fidgeting with her thumb instead of answering him.

He gently lifted the blanket up, “Look I brought you a few snacks and some drinks. There’s all kinds of different things, bubba, even some chocolate! We can start small, like something to drink first. Your throat must be pretty sore, bubs.”

She thought about it for a second. It couldn’t hurt to drink something. It would help her feel a bit better. She slowly nodded and got up, her back against the headboard.

Steve smiled at her, and opened up the bag he brought with him. He dumped everything onto her bed, making her eyes widen at the amount of food and drinks he’d gotten for her.

He noticed her reaction and decided to put a few things back in the bag, “Don’t worry, sweetheart. These are for you and I to share, don’t have to finish it all by yourself. Plus I just wanted to make sure I brought you a wide selection of snacks and drinks to choose from.” He knew she had some sensory issues, especially when it came to food. She wasn't exactly picky but some textures just didn't feel right in her mouth and she preferred to steer clear of them.

She nodded and looked down at some of the drinks that were on her bed, along with the snacks. She tried to tell Steve which drink she wanted but her throat was so sore, she couldn’t get the words out. She decided to just point at one of the juice boxes and mumble a ‘please’.

“It’s okay, bubba, you don’t have to talk. I know it hurts. It’ll be okay soon.” He popped the straw into the juice box before handing it over to her, “Alright you get started on that juice box, I’ll find a movie for us to watch.”

He took his laptop out of his bag and turned it on. He quickly turned on one of her favourite movies, then placed the laptop next to her.

“Alright I’m gonna have a snack, bubs, I’m feeling a bit hungry. Would you like to share one?” She shrugged, not sure what to say. He grabbed a sleeve of cookies, before moving over to sit down next to her, “It’s okay if you don’t want to, bubba, you can still have a little bit if you’d like though?”

She watched him open up the package and take out a cookie, offering it to her first. She quickly shook her head and turned her attention over to the movie. He kissed her forehead before taking a bite of the cookie, “Oh bubs, these are really good. Are you sure you don’t want some? I can split this one if you’d like?”

She thought about it for a minute before hesitantly nodding her head. He smiled and split the cookie into two, making sure he didn’t get any crumbs on the bed. He handed her the other half, watching her take small bites, “You're doing great, love. Bucky loves you, you know? I know he can’t wait to come back home and see you.”

She smiled at the thought of Bucky coming home soon, while finishing off the cookie. Her throat felt a bit dry from the cookie, so she took a few sips from the juice box before putting it back down.

She moved closer to Steve, resting her head on top of him. He wrapped his arm around her, pulling her closer to him, “How are you feeling now, bubs? Stomach still hurts?”

“A little bit…” She mumbled, smiling every now and then at the movie.

“What if I cut up some fruits for you in a little bit? How does that sound? Maybe some strawberries for my sweet girl?” She blushed at that but nodded her head, “Alright then, I’ll get that for you in a bit.”

“T-thank you.”

He smiled, giving her a kiss on her forehead, “Come on, get comfy, love. Everything is gonna be okay.”

[strxnged]

MONDSTADT: # when you tell them you see them as a "main character." (1/4)

content: voiceline style responses. mentions of alcohol, ignorance of mika's release. 500w

__ albedo ㅤ“i don’t like to think about myself in that way. i'm only interested in discovering the many hidden stories of this world, similarly to you. well, if you think that makes me a main character… i won’t argue with you.”

__amber ㅤ“hehe, you think so? maybe you’re right! i’ve always wanted a book to be written about outrider amber of the knights of favonius! but don’t you think you play a pretty big part in this story, too?”

__barbara ㅤ“oh, my! you must be mistaken—did you take me for jean? it’s me, barbara, and i’m certainly not main character material—not yet! although… if you were trying to compliment me, that was very kind of you. i’ll try not to let it go to my head, don’t worry!”

__bennett ㅤ“yeah! that’s why i got an adventurer’s team named after me! um… but since i’m the only member right now… i guess that makes me the only character, huh? … yeah, main character by default is still a main character. i’ll take it!”

__diluc ㅤ“uh… i’m not sure why you’re saying that. word of advice, i think you ought to keep your darkknight fantasies to yourself.”

__diona ㅤ“did i finally make a bad drink? something’s off in your head, alright. what is that even supposed to mean… ‘main character’?”

__eula ㅤ“oh? indeed, if i were in a story, my importance would be key. my keen sense of justice and deserved glory. it would be a story about revenge, etiquette, and honour. perhaps someone should write such a book and sell it to the children of mondstadt.”

__fischl ㅤ“such diction is foolish in my presence. i am no character of a story, but the author of many fates.”

__jean ㅤ“oh… i think it improper for you to regard me in such a way… i’m only the acting grand master, and i haven’t done nearly as much for mondstadt as vennessa or varka.”

__kaeya ㅤ“oh-ho-hoh, you’re trying to flatter me, aren’t you? try dry praise like that after i’ve had a few more drinks.”

__klee ㅤ“heehee, the main character? i’m not from a picture book, you know.”

__lisa ㅤ“hmm.. don’t you think working at a library after being the akademiya’s most distinguished graduate of 200 years would speak better of desires for the opposite? sweet of you to say, though, cutie.”

__mona ㅤ“the responsibility of a main character is far more than that which comes with wealth of knowledge and birthright. yes, i think your comment is suitable, since i’m also altruistic, wise, and humble, all in a unique enough way…. don’t give me that look.”

__noelle ㅤ“how kind of you to say! but—ahem—since i’m not yet a real knight, it must be a very sad story to read.”

__razor ㅤ“razor wants to read that story! does teacher have it?”

__rosaria ㅤ“i... hmph. you should read more books, i think you’d change your mind. stop scowling at me and say something more useful.”

__sucrose ㅤ“w-what? a main character? even a narrator would have trouble trying to define me interestingly. but then, would that mean i will discover more in my research? i’m not sure but i wouldn’t mind that.”

__venti ㅤ“you’re always saying that now that you know about my past. well, if i’m not recognized as the archon, at least i have some importance to someone, hehe.”

author's note: thanks for reading; i hope you enjoyed. reblogs are appreciated, and if you enjoyed, consider following for the continuation of this series :)

➳ NEXT

➳ GENSHIN MASTERLIST

[sprout-fics]

Its been a little while, and you usually appear on my fyp often. i went to check for any updates on you works, and i didnt see any. I hope your doing ok, im not rushing you by any means. I just want to make sure your wellbeing is okay, even though it might not be my place 😅 I'm just the kind of person that would help anybody with nearly anything.

sincerely- 🔴🦈

Hello love!

I’ve actually been taking a bit of an unannounced break recently at the encouragement of my friends, who have always been able to notice my burnout symptoms better than I have. I thought once I graduated from my masters I could immediately hop back into writing on top of full time job searching but turns out I really need a break and to just relax for a bit.

I’m not gone for good! I’m just taking it slow and easy for a little so I can enjoy writing and not push myself for the sake of updates. I do have a few works halfway finished and am slowly chipping away at them, but for now I’m just trying to let my brain cool off and refill my inspiration meter before tackling anything full force.

Thank you lovely! 💖💖💖

[thatswhatsushesaid]

personal/professional anecdote related to my last reblog:

I remember when I was first starting out in my masters program back in 2014 and approached my advisor with my thoughts about how to affordably approach digital preservation of records, I received the most skeptical and condescending of responses, and it took the wind right out of my sails for the next two years.

my advisor: how interesting, can you demonstrate how this would work

me: well, no, but I can show you the website of a distributed digital preservation network in my home state that spreads the costs of maintaining the network across all participating member institutions, which lowers the barriers of access to small community archives and libraries

him: cool, can you bring up the website now?

me, getting out a pen and a notepad: no, I don't have a laptop, but I can write down the URL for you--

him, cutting me off: you don't have a laptop? you've enroled in a masters program here at [prestigious canadian university] and you don't have a laptop? you are going to struggle in my courses. you'll struggle in the whole program.

me, totally thrown off-balance and humiliated but trying not to show it: um, I have a desktop computer at my apartment. the graduate studies office said we could rent laptops from the faculty for completing coursework, and I've always taken my notes by hand--

him: if you are serious about this field, you really need to get a laptop.

me, wondering what any of this has to do with my ideas: I can't afford a laptop.

him, smiling and shrugging his shoulders: (:

it really bears mentioning that this guy's background and CV were why I applied to this program, put myself nearly $70K into student loan debt, and moved myself literally a cross a continent in the first place. (don't fret about the money; I have nearly paid it all off by now, but the me of 2014 certainly had no way of knowing that was going to happen.)

I just remember sitting across from this titan in the field while he smiled at me with this expression of pleasant condescension on his face, and I remember trying desperately to understand why my inability to be able to afford a laptop as new immigrant graduate student with barely enough money in the bank to buy groceries or cat food or make that month's rent had any bearing on the value of my ideas. (ideas which were, you'll note, about how to make digital preservation work when you don't have any fucking money.) what I can't remember is how I ended the conversation; I just know that I went home and shamefully begged my dad for help buying a laptop that neither of us could really afford to spend money on at the time.

it's been nearly ten years since I had that conversation with my advisor, and I am now what just about anyone would consider 'professionally successful' in my field, but that field is not digital preservation. because I was so shamed by this conversation, and I so completely internalized my advisor's attitude that my inability to afford this one piece of technology meant I was not 'serious' about the field. which is stupid, and I have the experience and self-confidence and success to my name now to know just how stupid that is.

anyway if I bump into him at an alumni reunion sometime, I think I'll tell him exactly how much his words undermined my self-confidence and changed my professional trajectory, and politely ask him to never say that to another poor, first year graduate student ever again.

[sociologi]

I am in last year of bachelor's degree of sociology and I am confused to what do next ?? Some guidance or advice??

Hi anon! Thanks for your message ♡ I think that, while studying sociology gives you many different options, whether you want to continue your studies or find a job, it also means that it can be a bit harder to find out what you can actually use your degree for. So I completely understand how you’re feeling!

Personally, I chose to do my masters in sociology as well, but that is mainly because where I’m from (Denmark) it is nearly impossible to get a job with only a bachelors degree. But I think it’s generally important to figure out which topics you find the most interesting and dive into those - sustainability, social work, HR, criminology, etc. Because sociology is so broad I find it easier to motivate myself when I narrow down my focus. And my impression is that it also makes it easier to apply for jobs later on, as your profile isn't as broad.

Doing internships, volunteering, collaborating with a companies on projects if you can, or finding a relevant part time job can all be really great for figuring out what you want to do after graduating. Plus, it gives you a great network that you can use later on!

I also really recommend going on LinkedIn and looking at what other sociologists do. This has given me lots of inspiration.

I hope this was helpful, otherwise feel free to message me again!!

[erodasfishtacos]

Okay mama personal question

I wanna do child/teen counselling and forensic…so the thing is I’d have to move all across the globe to pursue it but I’ve been seeing all these people on the net saying that it’s not been paying them well and stuff and ofc money is not my first concern but if I move across and leave my family will I be able to sustain myself comfortably?! And do we get a good placement after masters? Or is it like medical that it’s gonna take years to build coz I think I wanna get a phD too

Also can u actually pursue both counselling and forensic???

PS : I gotta start applying to college next month and this year is sooooo bad nearly 80% of my batch flunked mid terms plus I don’t wanna leave home tbh but I kind of want to get out there :(

You definitely don’t make a lot starting out. Here are my thoughts. If your goal is to be therapist and you want to be successsful and have a good income. You have to get your masters and you have to get licensed. The money comes in when you’re liscensed and that means you can work in private practices where commercial insurances are paying the bigger bucks. You can easily make over 100k in the field with all the degrees.

It is a huge decision and a massive commitment so I would really consider it before you do it.

I’ll talk to you through what my experience looked like

Undergrad degree in psychology with a minor in sociology (4 years)

Masters degree in clinical mental health counseling (2.5 years)

In my masters program, I have to complete 350 hours of unpaid practicum, 650 hours of internship. That equals out to about 40 hours a week in internship on top of five classes.

In my school, to graduate I had to pass the CPCE.

Then after you graduate, you need to take the NCE which is the National Counselors Exam and pass that - that’s about a 300 question exam that I studied about nine months for

Then after you pass your NCE you have to then get 3000 supervised hours of work (about 2.5 years) before you can apply to be an LPC.

I just became an LPC this summer and I’m 28.

My college did not set me up with a job.

PhD is a good idea depending on what you want to do with it. I am planning to start my PhD program when I turn 30 and get it in counselor education so that I can be a professor and teach.

The reason LPC makes money and an unlicensed therapist with a masters doesn’t is because insurance will not pay nonlisenced therapist, thus private practice won’t hire you unless the company accepts medicad and Medicare which pay bare minimum or out of pocket pay.

As for what you’re planning to do.. I am a child and family therapist.

I did all of my internship and practicum at a children’s psychiatric hospital

And all my supervised hours in an agency that does family therapy funded through the state

Any type of specialize means more education, trainings, certifications, etc…

I am certified grief counselor but I had to take endless trainings for it.

As for the forensic side, I’m not sure what job you’re thinking out and I’m not knowledgeable on that side.

This isn’t trying to steer you away from the profession.

However, even though I would do it all over again, I wish someone would have told me how fucking difficult it was going to be.

[erismor-iok]

Hi! Could I please request a romantic matchup with a male character from Honkai Star Rail, JJK, and Demon Slayer?

My Name is Rachel, Im 18, and my pronouns are she/her.  My zodiac sign is Taurus and Im a Gemini rising. I have brown hair that comes a few inches below my shoulders, brown eyes and freckles.

I’m a really optimistic person, and I try to help others as much as I can! I’m good at giving advice, and making people feel better. I’m also very charismatic and very outgoing! I love trying out new activities, But, I can get impatient easily and I tend to be stubborn. I’m very affectionate and I usually try to make sure that everyone around me is feeling alright before making sure that I am. Basically, I’m like the mom friend. 

I really enjoy fashion design. I love sewing and coming up with a new ideas of something I can make! I’m also really passionate about music. I’ve played piano for twelve years, and it really helps me to express myself! Some of my other hobbies include baking, crocheting and shopping. My personal style is a kind of mix between softie and angelcore. I love clothes that are pink, ruffly or have some sort of lace on them. Some things I like include, pretty perfume bottles, flowers, and jewelry I have a huge sweet tooth, so I also really like desserts! I absolutely hate bugs.

Thank you so much!! <33

I, Eris, match you up with

BLADE (Honkai Star Rail)

Overview:

"A member of the Stellaron Hunters and a swordsman who abandoned his body to become a blade."

A man whose past is shrouded in mystery. On the outside, he’s calm, but insanity swirls inside of him. Only those close may peak into its depths, and only the truly insane may take the plunge.

Meeting him was a coincidence, but perhaps one woven by the Aeons.

How you two first met:

It is a miracle that you two are together with your unorthodox meet-cute.

You had just graduated 4th grade and were enjoying your well-deserved summer break by sewing and munching on Egg Tarts when you felt someone gaze on your back. Turning around, you nearly had a heart attack when you saw the young boy outside your window.

"WHAT THE FUCK!?" "...can I have one?" "...what..?" "...You…want an egg tart?..."

The correct and normal thing to do in that circumstance is to kindly but bluntly tell the boy to fuck off. Fortunately, you are not either, so, against your better judgment, you let the boy in.

One became two, and two became three; eventually, this became a routine. Every time, like cloak work, the minute you finished baking a treat, he would be standing outside, waiting for you to let him in. And every time, you do.

He became another norm in your little world, another truth. The sky is blue, the grass is green, and a little boy with blue hair and red eyes with no name will show up outside your window demanding snacks.

Friendship:

This went on for months, with both of you in silent agreement. Do not tell anyone; this is a secret for you and him only. Do not ask anything personal. He doesn’t ask why you are alone for every hour of the day, and you don’t speak about the scars littering his body like constellations in the night sky.

Bruises and cuts are the most common, only second to split knuckles and blistering hands. You never ask how he got them. You just take his calloused hands into yours and try your best to treat each new wound.

These were the moments when he most opened up to you. How he is training with his master, how he has a friend named Dan Heng, and how sometimes he has to search through trashcans for food and clothes. You never ask out loud, but he knows the questions stuck in your throat and those that dance on your tongue, so he tells.

Ever since he told you he has to dumpster dive to get his meals and the attire on his back, You have now started giving him extra food and clothes.

(He never says thank you, but you know by his eyes curving up when you come out with a stack of clothes or when his hands shake but refuse to drop the extras you hand him that he isn’t ungrateful, and even if he is, you won’t stop.)

But not all your days with him are filled with doom and gloom. You found that while he doesn’t talk much, opting for silence or one-word answers, he is very expressive, especially when it comes to his eyes.

He also has very strong opinions on fashion, causing an untold amount of bickering between you two.

"Look, all I am saying is that ruffles instantly make things ten times better." "..." "Don’t give me that! It’s not my fault you don’t see the artistic value of adding trim to stuff!" "..." "YOU TAKE THAT BACK! I DO NOT LOOK LIKE PINK THROW UP YOU-" (You win every argument, of course. Don't ask him, though; he’ll deny it like the big sore loser he is.)

How you fell in love:

Humming a short tune, you dance across the kitchen. Your socked feet glide across the wooden floor. In the distance, the fireplace crackles as the radio plays, filling the kitchen with the soft melodies of a piano. You hum along.

Only when your face is flushed and your breaths come out ragged do you hear the ding. Immediately, your face breaks into a smile as you quickly jog over to the oven. ‘The cookies!’ You think, almost forgetting to put on your oven mittens as you slide the baking tray out.

Setting it down, you stand still, waiting for

*Tap* *Tap* *Tap*

It’s a testament to how many times he’s done it that your reaction is nothing but flickering your brown eyes over, and yep, He’s there. Behind your window, in the falling snow, stands the boy with his blue, windswept hair and big red eyes, staring at you.

Worry imminently settles in your gut as you see him wearing nothing but a black shirt and shorts, only slightly dampening when you don’t see any red on them. Your footsteps softly pad the floor as you make your way over.

"You know," You begin, opening the window, cold air rushing in, "The door exists for a reason, right? Now come in! You’ll catch a cold!"

Ushering him in, you threw a mountain of pink blankets on him. It was cute to see him drowning under them, only a tuft of his hair peeking out. The cookies were still warm when you plated them up for him, adding a glass of milk alongside it. Almond milk. You (and the toilet) learned the hard way to never give him any dairy.

You look at the boy with his checks stuffed and crumbs dotted all around his mouth. You swipe your warm hand now on his cheek. "I’ll get your name one day," You vow.

But, as you were about to pull away, you felt his calloused hand on yours, locking it into place. It's as if the world stopped at that very moment. You can’t hear the radio or the fireplace, as if the world has gone still. The only sound is your soft breath mingling with his and the fluttering of your heartbeat.

Your breath hitches, clogging your throat as you see him softly smile for the first time. ‘Oh,’ you think.

"I’ll be waiting," He says.

‘I’ve fallen in love.’

In a romantic relationship:

A blade is a possessive man. Only amplify when you two finally get together.

It is not uncommon to find his hand on your waist. Both to protect you and to also stake a claim on you. (As if the hickeys weren’t enough.)

Behind closed doors, however, he is quite sweet. Whenever you come home from a long day, He is always there, ready for whatever you need. Want a hot bath? He already drew one. Want food but are too lazy to cook? He is already looking through the fridge, clad in a pink, frilly apron that is two sizes too small. Want a massage? Don’t worry; he knows all your pressure points!

He isn’t the type to bring you out on dates, being much more of a homebody than anything. He'd rather just spend the day with you, lazing around and munching on whatever sweet concoction you made for the day.

But if he were to bring you out on a date, he would bring you out to the forest for a picnic! No stress, no troubles, no ex-best friend he needs to hunt down—just him and you with good food. What’s not to like?

Of course, your relationship isn’t without its hurdles. There are countless days when the two of you get into a fight, and they are never pretty. Everyone knows not to get in the way if they value their necks.

But you two always make up in the end. His words spilled out of his mouth like a damn. Promises and reassurance for change and growth. He values you and the relationship more than anything else in his life. Infuriating as that may be,

After fights, he is 100% spoiling you rotten. Just enjoy it, okay? It’s his silent apology of sorts.

Moving on! He loves supporting your hobbies and interests. (He has a shirt with your name and ‘number #1 fan’ given to him by Jing Yuan. It has become one of his favorites, and he wears it with pride. Much to your chagrin.)

He’s also willing to try anything with you, no matter how outlandish it looks or seems, and if he can’t because of time or his job, he’ll buy you stuff about it. You tried calligraphy one time, and now he constantly sends you calligraphy pens and papers. (You keep every single one of them in a special drawer.)

Of course, he sends you other stuff as well, such as pretty perfume bottles, flowers, and jewelry. Anything you like, he’ll send. He also has a habit of buying the most random thing and excusing it by saying it ‘reminds him of you.’

All in all, it was your kindness (and baking) that drew him in. In his eyes, you are his sun, warm and bright. You bring his life so much happiness, and if you just utter the word, he will lay the world at your feet.

He was scared at first when he first realized his heart wasn’t his own, hidden away behind bones and mass, but instead laying in your hands.

Only when you treated it with the same kindness you treated him all those years ago did he find his fear unfounded.

He loves you so much that it hurts. He isn’t a religious man, but every day, when you smile at him, he prays to the Aeons to let this moment last. He knows his hands are stained with blood and he doesn’t deserve you, but he can’t help himself.

You are his sun, his world, and his. And he’ll be by your side for as long as you let him.

 Extras:

When the four of you (Blade, Dan Heng, and Jing Yuan) first met up, all of you got along like a house on fire. Jing Yuan gets everybody in trouble as all three of them look on as you try to convince the officer “No, of course, we didn’t set that orphanage on fire, sir."

It didn’t work, but hey! Now you have mug shots! Jing Yuan has his printed and framed.

Blade isn’t his name. He only got it when he joined the Stellaron Hunters. You are the only person besides him who knows his birth name.

He also trains you! Not super in-depth, of course, but just enough to hold yourself in a fight. At first, he did it out of fear. One of his many enemies could possibly find you, and he wouldn’t be there.

But now, it’s more of a bonding activity than anything else. One that he looks forward to. (Afterwards, he always makes sure to pamper you.)

You are his main stylist and tailor! You were the one who made his coat and 90% of his wardrobe. (He loves all of them, and he will brag subtly to Kafka.)

Playing the piano for him is one of the quickest ways to make him fall asleep. Second to you singing to him. It doesn’t matter if you sound like a dying squirrel; he will doze off to dreamland. (which is impressive considering this man’s insomnia.)

Jing Yuan and Dan Heng both agree that you are the best thing that happened to Blade and if it weren’t for you, he would've drowned in his madness long ago, dragging the world down with him.

"I can’t promise I will make the right choices; I can’t promise you a life of peace, but I can promise I will be there for you; I will protect you. Until death do we part."

[sweetswesf]

"I just need benjamins, I don't need NOOOOO friends!"...Check In

I don't really mean that. When I feel lonely, I think about that rap lyric by the masterful poet Roddy Ricch, but, I don't truly feel that way. I do need a community around me, but when I look at the friends I have lost, I toxicly just try to focus on what I have, the friends & family I have, and all God's blessed me with.

What I Did Today

Meal prepped

Exercised

Grocery shopped

FREAKIN' 2 HOURS of dishes! *face palm*

Panicked a little bit after receiving my severance payment, but reminded myself that I'm going to find something I want in a timely manner and not completely run my savings down to 0 like I worry sometime

Wished my grandmother a happy birthday

Told my father not to send me pictures of he, my grandparents, and my little brother at the casino today because it triggered me given the lack of relationship and a lot of hurt that is still there...I'm by myself for yet another year on Thanksgiving for crying out loud...

Was vulnerable about how I felt about the latest text exchanges with my pastor who gave me bad, unsolicited advice on what I SHOULD have done...immediately regretted it opening up and reminded myself to just shut up sometime and stop hoping for people to handle you and your feelings the way you want them to

Had a little cry after receiving a less than pleasant text from my Dad...it was followed by an absolutely encouraging text from a friend

Fantasized about moving out of the country...maybe back to Italy

Pushed myself to cook for myself

Pushed myself to finish an AlgoExpert video on Logarithm

What I Learned Today

I thought about what would happen if I needed to move back; my little brother has PROBABLY graduated, so I would not have a room anywhere if I moved back, and I don't know too many places right now wanting to rent to someone without a job so, I'll stay put...rent MAY go up for me soon...don't know how much...don't want to think about that right now :)

log base 2 is the assumed base in computer science, not 10 as in regular mathematics, and an algo w/O(log(n)) runtime is good because as the input increases, the amount of operations does not increase nearly at the same rate

Feeling

Spent

A little bit shameful/embarrassed

Takeaways

Going to only juice on Saturday or Sunday going forward and for as ½ as much as I usually do to save money & time

My mind wanders a lot, and when it does, and I get anxious, I go to social media for a dopamine boost

How I Got Myself Out of a Rut Today

Just reminding myself that I have so much, it could be worse, how it's going to get so much better for me, and about how strong I am going to become

Found a chili oil I can add to EVERYTHING

A super soft & cold persimmon

The following songs helped:

Fought tears listening to this one

Then let them fall for this song...this song NEVER fails to make me cry...rediscovered it on Mother's Day, and ever since, it's just been a hard song for me to get through, but it hits me where I need it to

Goals Completed

Found a therapist

Stopped listening to people worried about their own circumstances and remembering God works on his own time and that I am in no rush...

Got back on the ball

Being kinder to myself and stopping guilting myself if my energy isn't always on 100%

Goals After Today

Strengthen my relationship with God

Understand the main concepts I need to from Interview Cake, AlgoExpert, etc. in 6 months, NOT less than 3

Drop my body fat percentage to Marion Jones, Michaela Cole, or Jade Cargill levels

Consistently fight urge to fill up my time with social media/YouTube

Fully forgive my family & build a great relationship with them

Be more confident & faithful

250 steps/hour & 10k steps/daily consistently

Drink more than 64oz a day consistently

Go on a date with a guy I actually like who actually likes me too

[fatopiaplus]

Tabitha Louise Murphy

Tabby cat, Tabby cat, watch her grow so round and fat

See her eat so much more until her belly meets the floor

Watch her rump grow rounder yet, how much fatter can she get?

"When my own goal weight I top, only then shall Tabby stop."

Heyo! How ya doing? My name is Tabitha Louise Murphy. Now, this is a page for fat women, right? Okay. I've seen a lot of nice gals here get fatter over the course of their lives, but for me it's different. I've always been fat. Yep. That's right. I've always been fat. I started getting fat when I was about five and kept going. I'd wear different costumes and go to different neighborhoods on Halloween. I couldn't wait to eat. Mom and Dad, both ample themselves, didn't pay it too much mind. My goal was to get myself up to 600 pounds by graduation. Here I am at age 10. I'm about 120 pounds, nearly twice what I should have weighed. 🙂

By age 12, I've put on about 4 inches and about 80 more pounds. Funny thing is that nobody teased me. I guess I'm just so casual about it that nobody seems to mind, and I joke about it myself, so that makes me less distant. I really did look forward to growing rounder. I mean, I'd eat from the moment I got up to the minute I brushed my teeth before bed. I didn't just eat bad things either. I knew I was gonna get real fat so I wanted to be healthy too, so I'd sit down and eat ten apples smothered in peanut butter. Caramel apples were good too. I just concentrated on good, but high-calorie items and supplimented my healthy diet with candy, candy and more candy.

Now, between age 12 and 15, I've really gone to town and I'm up to three hundred and thirty-seven pounds. I wear things that are nice and tight, showing off every bulge and roll. I don't go bare midriff, but I do like people to see how proud I am of my increasing size. Guys are starting to take notice of me and don't tease me. Rather, they ask if they can buy me food and feed me. Hey, I've got no problem with that! The guys get a kick out of it, and I get fatter. It's a win-win situation. These guys are so good in fact, that by the time I'm finishing my junior year ....

... I'm up to 480 pounds. Now I've got to gain 120 pounds by graduation. I hope I can do it. The guys are dolls. They all pay me to feed me. It's funny, really. Each guy has one week. They try to get me to gain so much in that time. Whoever gets me to gain the most in one week is my "king." Tony Arregio is the top winner so far. He helped me gain 15 pounds in a week. I'd like to see him top that record. C'mon guys! I've got to gain 120 pounds in only 7 months!! Hurry!

Hey hey! I've graduated at 610 pounds. Those guys really did it, and my boyfriend Andrew is the one who really helped me out here. He's a master of cajoling me into stuffing myself to the gills, if I had gills, that is. 😉 I'm quite happy being this size. I know I waddle a little and there's things I simply can't do, but fatness to me is more important than roller coasters, bumper cars and string bikinis. I have grown into the woman I've always wanted to be. I'm not actively gaining now. I'm happy, content, pleased with my body. Now, if something happens and I gain or lose weight, I'm not going to worry about it. I'm going to college to study Fashion Marketing. I'm planning on opening a shop that offers fashions that look good on a 120 lb woman or a 1200 lb woman. Oh, and guys and kids too. See ya there!

Sorry that it's been a while since my last photograph, but a lot has happened in the past three years. The main thing is that I've managed to pack on over three hundred pounds and I'm so fat now I can barely waddle, 933 pounds. I'm addicted to food and my body went into withdrawl when I tried to give up eating so much cold turkey. It went into starvation mode and now I'm fatter than ever. I'm eating enough now to maintain, but I have a feeling that I'm going to get fatter yet. I don't mind but for the fact that it's a pain trying to get socks that fit. =) ))

[wartakes]

This isn’t War (OLD ESSAY)

This essay was first posted on June 9th, 2021 - and its one of those ones that nearly broke me in the process of writing it.

This essay was about the then-ongoing Israeli campaign in Gaza, which proved to be one of their most senseless and bloody campaigns in a long line of such campaigns that have occurred before and since.

You can guess where I come down on this.

(Full essay below the cut).

Well. It’s time to talk about Gaza.

I want to emphasize before I get deeper into this, that I am not a Middle East expert, nor am I an expert on Israel and Palestine. I know just enough about all these things to be dangerous, but my knowledge is a mile wide and an inch deep on the topic. Frankly, I don’t like calling myself an expert on anything, as I dislike how the connotation of “expert” can be wielded as an exclusionary cudgel to harass people from offering their insight on pertinent issues. With all that in mind however, I want to try and offer my best, personal opinion on the recent events that occurred in Gaza and Palestine this past May, because I feel I couldn’t not say something.

One last thing before we get into this is, I’m not going to be talking much about the Sheikh Jarrah controversary that served as the spark for the May violence. I’m going to be focusing on the military campaign undertaken by Israel in Gaza because that is a bit more in my wheelhouse of understanding compared to other aspects of what’s going on in Israel and Palestine and also the thing I homed in on the most with everything last month. If you do want to know more about the underlying issues about Sheikh Jarrah and the occupation of Palestine in general, Chapo Trap House recently had on AJ+ journalist Mohammad Alsaafin to discuss it (I can’t say I agree with everything in the interview, but it’s an excellent explainer to the overall situation in the Palestinian Territories).

Now, to actually get started, I’m going to go into this with a personal anecdote right off the bat. I want to stress that the purpose of this is not to center this piece about me or my “story” in regard to the recent events. It is purely because I feel like it helps to provide context for the overall point I’m trying to make in this essay. For those reasons, I’m going to try and keep this section as brief as possible so I can get to that main point and spend more time on that.

I have a long and complicated history with Israel and Palestine. I knew slightly more than the average American knows just by being a nerd in middle school and high school who was fascinated with war and history and the world at large. But I still had the default American position of simply supporting Israel without any criticism or deeper understanding. This changed after I went off to college and got to take a class on the conflict. Despite fact it was taught by someone who was clearly not on the Palestinian side, the content very quickly drove me away from my slightly pro-Israel uncritical stance – though at this point, it just pushed me into a “both sides are equally bad” wishy washy enlightened centrist stance.

As time went on, I got further into my field as I graduated college, worked for a while, and then went back to school for my master’s degree. The more that I learned – both about my field in general and about what was going on in Palestine in particular – the more I began to realize that maybe that the “both sides” argument didn’t do this all justice. While I had already come to that realization in earnest beforehand, watching what happened in Gaza this past May was what finally cemented the last pieces of reality into place for me.

Why is that? Well, while I don’t like to toot my own horn, after over a decade of either studying or working in the defense field I’m pretty confident I know what a war looks like. I have admittedly never served in uniform or gone to war myself, but my job deals with the nature of war on a daily basis. I’ve witnessed enough of them happen over my life and studied them and talked to enough people who have gone to war to know what war entails. In fact, I’d venture to say you don’t have to dedicate your career to studying war to have a general idea of what a war looks like if you’re somewhat well-informed and well-adjusted.

And it’s for that reason everything clicked into place for me during the May bombing of Gaza. I’d been wondering why it affected me so profoundly. Even after the cease fire I had felt awful for several weeks after the fact. I spent most of Memorial Day weekend feeling constantly exhausted and not doing much of anything. I had seen wars before – I had closely watched and wrote about the most recent war between Armenia and Azerbaijan over the Artsakh region several months before. While those past conflicts had caused a wide variety of emotions to rise within me, none of them had made me feel as despondent and emotionally drained as Gaza had.

I finally realized it was all because I had been watching Gaza with the expectation of watching a war, and it just quite simply wasn’t one. I wasn’t watching a war. I wasn’t watching a serious, back and forth conflict between two approximately equal adversaries. I wasn’t even watching a counter-insurgency campaign. I was watching human culling being carried out before my eyes.

“Mowing the Grass”

Before I go any deeper into this, I’m going to get on one of my favorite hobby horses, which is of course the use of terminology and the meaning of words when it comes to warfare (again, I’ll try to keep this short, but it’s important for context. I think).

Something I see going around a lot on social media involving Israel and Palestine is the idea that what is going on there is not a “conflict,” but wholly one-sided oppression. I both agree and disagree with this. What Israel is doing to the Palestinians is absolutely apartheid – as recognized by Human Rights Watch – and includes acts of ethnic cleansing that may be well on the way to genocide.  But I feel like to say there is no conflict involved is part disingenuous and also part not realizing what the term “conflict” means. I have a tendency to take words at their initial, common definition and at face value. This is further colored by the fact I studied national security and international relations and the specific vocabulary associated with those fields.

As a practitioner of national security, there is absolutely armed conflict involved with what is going on in Palestine – that’s obvious to me. But that does not mean that the overall struggle is a simple “conflict” or that it isn’t still heavily imbalanced and not heavily favoring one side in particular. Much of the same can be said of other liberation movements in other countries throughout history, where armed resistance was only one part of a larger struggle that cut across multiple areas of society. There is conflict going on, but that doesn’t suddenly mean that both sides are equally at fault or to blame for what is happening.

Why am I taking the time to get lost in the weeds on this? Because I feel it’s important to drive home that even though what is going on in Palestinian obviously involves a degree of armed conflict between Israel and various Palestinian armed movements, I still can’t think of what I saw happen in Gaza this past month as a conflict, a war, or anything along those lines. It felt like an extremely lopsided slaughter, predominately of civilians, by a vastly superior military force.

Now obviously this was not all completely one sided (but only just barely). Many of us saw the massive rocket volleys that armed groups including the al-Qassam Brigade – the armed wing of Hamas, the political group that governs Gaza – and the Palestinian Islamic Jihad Group fired into Israel throughout the IDF’s bombing campaign (most of which were intercepted by the Iron Dome defensive system that the United States financially supports and that the Israelis are asking for a financial handout to reload). These rocket strikes absolutely did result in the deaths of civilians, and non-combatant deaths whenever and wherever they happen are bad and I’m not going to get up and jump for joy at the fact they were Israelis rather than Palestinians dying (and if that’s what you’re doing you should seek help because you are probably a bloodthirsty fucking psychopath who desperately needs it).

However, even if everything I mentioned above is true and accurate, when you place all of that against the sheer volume of firepower that the IDF brought to bear against Gaza, the number of civilians it killed, the homes and livelihoods it destroyed and the emotional and psychological damage inflicted upon those who managed to survive that destruction, even if what happened is not entirely one-sided it certainly feels damn near close to that on spec.

When you start to look at casualty numbers from the recent campaign in greater detail, the extent of how much damage inflicted upon Palestinian non-combatants is humbling. According to the IDF, they killed as many as 225 militants, with Hamas putting the number lower at 80. Meanwhile, the United Nations asserts that as many as 128 civilians – including 66 children – were killed out of a total of 256 Palestinians total – with the remaining 128 assumed to be militants. If we are leery of both the IDF’s and Hamas assertions on casualties – and there is good reason to be in either case – and we go with the UN’s middling estimates, we’re still basically looking at the IDF killing one civilian for every one militant they kill. Let that sink in for a moment: for every combatant, they’re killing an innocent civilian. Aside from the human cost, millions of dollars in damage were done to industry, while thousands of housing units were damaged, rendered unfit for living, or were completely destroyed as a result of Israeli bombing.

Looking at these numbers, I walk away with two different possible conclusions: A.) either the IDF simply didn’t care about civilian casualties and collateral damage as it tried to destroy Gazan armed groups’ ability to fight and sought to achieve its objectives no matter the cost in civilian blood, or B.) armed groups like Hamas was incidental or secondary targets of the IDF and the ultimate point of their campaign was to punish the Palestinians in Gaza in general – regardless of whether or not they were militants.

I’m honestly not sure which of these two is the accurate one – the truth, as with so many things, may lie somewhere in between. But the result either way is that the IDF are not prosecuting a war or combat operations. They are undertaking largely one-sided slaughter whether they are cognizant of that or not – effectively a culling of the Palestinian population in Gaza, treating them even more like animals in their own land than they already have been.

Israel even has a name to accompany this pattern of recurring strikes against Gaza that has been going on long before the events of May, ostensibly with the aim of keeping militant forces like Hamas down: they call it “mowing the grass.” But when I hear that, as a defense analyst, I don’t hear a concept for a military strategy to be used against an armed adversary. Instead, what I hear is genocidal rhetoric aimed at a people as a whole to keep them down. I hear something that sounds much more at home in 1994 Rwanda than it does in 2021 anywhere. And when I see the disproportionate damage “mowing the grass” inflicts on civilians and civilian infrastructure rather than militants, I can’t help but feel like my initial gut reaction is being proven right.

Urban War-Farce

Now, a defense that the Israeli government or one of its defenders might potentially give you regarding the high levels of civilian casualties and collateral damage that resulted from its strikes in Gaza – both in 2021 and in the past – is that Hamas and other militants are mixed in with civilians amid the small, densely populated, highly urbanized landscape of the Gaza Strip. Like many real or notional defenses of horrific acts, there is an element of truth in here. So, allow me to peel that truth out and qualify it somewhat before I call the rest of this out as bullshit.

Urban warfare is nothing new. Some of the most notable and bloody battles of World War II occurred in urban terrain – Stalingrad, Berlin, and Manilla to name a few. Urban battles didn’t disappear after that war either, as examples such as Hue City, Sarajevo, Grozny, Fallujah and Mosul have also all showed us. A depressing, but unfortunately likely prediction about large-scale war in the future is that it is going to involve even more urban warfare as urbanization continues and cities keep growing larger in both population and the territory that they cover. That also means that more and more civilians will be increasingly in the line of fire as a result.

One of the most recent examples of modern, large-scale urban warfare was the Iraqi government’s 9-month long campaign to retake the city of Mosul from the Islamic State from 2016 to 2017. The Iraqi government and its supporters were eventually successful in retaking Mosul from IS, but it came at a heavy price. I came across multiple different estimates of the human cost and it’s hard to pin down. NPR put the civilian casualties at somewhere over 5,000. Exact numbers of IS dead are likewise hard to come by, but it is generally agreed upon that more civilians than IS or Iraqi/coalition personnel died in the campaign to retake the city. This is to say nothing of the destruction visited upon the city itself with $6 billion in damage done to the housing sector alone, and the resulting displacement of families (over 300,000 were still displaced in 2019, two years after the battle had ended).

Now some people may look at these casualties – or other possible figures from the Mosul battle – and go back and look at the recent Gaza figures and say “wait KD, based on this, the Iraqis killed just as many of their own people for each militant as the Israelis did for Palestinians. Why are you calling out Israel in particular in this case?”

First of all, I absolutely would call Iraq and its Coalition partners out on this. As much as IS was a real threat and needed to be dealt with, this level of civilian casualties egregious and did not have to be that high. Besides that, when I look at the Battle of Mosul, I see actual war. I see a campaign in a dense urban environment that lasted for three quarters of a year, involving a disparate coalition of professional and irregular military forces on one side – some of those coalition members having questionable ethics or levels of discipline and training – and a fundamentalist Islamic paramilitary organization on the other side whose bloodthirstiness and cruelty should need no introduction if you haven’t been living under a rock since 2013. The intentional and unintentional actions of both of these sides – I’m not trying to “both sides” the anti-ISIS campaign but there were big Coalition fuck ups in addition to ISIS atrocities – inflicted a terrible toll on the innocent population of Mosul.

But what I’m really trying to get at here is, while the Iraqi forces certainly had a superiority in numbers and firepower, IS clearly had enough going for it to close the capabilities gap between the two forces – something that was certainly seen in the early days of the groups rise when it routed entire Iraqi Army divisions in its drive south in Iraq. Separately, you also had the fact that Iraqi forces were ostensibly fighting to liberate their own people and city from the forces of IS – which had been ruling the city for some three years by the time of its liberation (this doesn’t excuse the civilian loss, but the context, conduct, and conditions of the battle are important).

In Gaza, I just don’t see the same thing. As mentioned before, armed groups in Gaza launched rockets but the amount of damage and death those that actually got past the Iron Dome caused pales in comparison to the destruction visited upon Gaza. Other than that, what resistance did the IDF meet in its campaign? Some isolated cases of skirmishes on the ground occurred, sure, but nothing on the scale of Mosul. Maybe this would have been different if the IDF had committed to a ground incursion like it had in 2008 or to a lesser extent in 2014 – but they didn’t. The armed groups in Gaza aren’t without the ability to fight back, but I’d venture an educated guess that the gap in capabilities between them and the IDF is considerably wider even than that which existed between IS and the Iraqi government forces in Mosul. The IDF has massive military superiority over the militant forces in Gaza and has used that to the fullest. Its forces are able to operate with near-total impunity. As far as I know, in the entirety of the recent campaign against Gaza, only one IDF serviceman was killed when his jeep was hit by an anti-tank missile along the border. The IDF was essentially invincible during this campaign and was able to visit as much destruction on Gaza as it wished with essentially no substantial opposition.

It is that lack of substantial, serious opposition that serves to make what happened in Gaza feel even more one-sided. Again, I’m not trying to cheapen or discount the civilian deaths and injuries that occurred in Israel – 9 Israeli civilians were killed along with an Indian and two Thai citizens, with another 114 wounded. However, when I’m looking at a Palestinian civilian death toll that is around twenty times larger than the Israeli civilian death toll, I can’t help but call that lopsided. Physical destruction by Hamas rockets in Israel was also very real, but again, when you compare that to the number of civilian buildings totally destroyed in Gaza by Israeli firepower, once again you can’t help but feel like this isn’t a “both sides” kind of issue. It drives home the feeling that this wasn’t so much war as it was the IDF culling what it sees as an annoying pest.

The Cruelty is the Point

Civilian deaths in war are something that, unfortunately, cannot be completely avoided. The longer a military confrontation goes on, sooner or later civilians will die for one reason or another. That doesn’t make this good or right or something we should settle for, but it is a reality that we need to deal with. This is one of many reasons why, though I think war is something that is sometimes unfortunately necessary, it is something that should not be taken lightly and should only be done in a truly defensive manner as a last resort. When a military does go to war, it has a moral obligation to do everything in its power, in good faith, to minimize the likelihood of civilian casualties occurring – something not all military forces are prone to do.

This is something that is both more pressing and more difficult in an urban environment. While urban warfare isn’t new, factors like the increasing lethality and sophistication of weapons and the fact that battles are shifting even more to urban terrain than they have in the past have given it a pressing urgency and have encouraged new thinking and analysis. There are no easy answers to avoiding civilian casualties in an urban conflict, but there are those in the defense field that are actively trying to find ways to do so and encourage militaries the world over to engage in them, whether these be more in-depth training before a conflict, or more active efforts to shape the conflict after hostilities break out in a way that does its best to avoid civilian casualties. This is a body of scholarship that is still growing and developing, but it exists and is ready to be called upon by those who need it.

With all this in mind, let’s turn back to Gaza. Let’s forget for a moment that the fact that civilians are forced into close proximity with militants is in large part due to the fact that they are not allowed to leave Gaza– essentially turning the strip into an open-air prison. That aside, knowing how bloody and chaotic military actions in an urban environment can be, from my observation of what happened in Gaza in May it seems that the IDF is using these realities as an excuse for carte blanche violence rather than an impetus to try and be more cautious in its actions – let alone try and deal with the Gaza or Palestinian issue with anything more than violence. Instead of seeing the complexities of military operations in urban terrain as obstacles to overcome, the IDF seems to use them as a reason to shrug its shoulders and go “well, that’s the way it is” as it proceeds to engage in actions that are quite clearly war crimes.

Not only does the IDF seem to have zero interest in trying to limit or shape its operations to avoid collateral damage, from the outside looking-in it appears as if Israel has done seemingly the opposite and gone out of its way to find reasons to target non-military structures in Gaza. In particular, Amnesty International has documented how Israel has extensively targeted residential buildings with strikes on suspicion of being tied to militants, something that many of us witnessed in real time during the recent campaign via social media and streaming. In these cases, the IDF offers no explanation of what military objectives it was achieving in these strikes. Amnesty also outlines how the IDF has bombed critical civilian infrastructure such as water, electricity, and medical facilities. In one of the most publicized cases, the IDF even went as far as to bomb and destroy an office building holding the offices of international news media organizations including the Associated Press and al Jazeera, on suspicion that Hamas was also using the building to jam its Iron Dome missile defenses.

The few “solutions” the IDF does offer to try and avoid civilian casualties are laughable, if not cruel and sadistic. In some cases, it’ll try to call or text people to let them know they are about to be bombed (how considerate). But one particular method we saw in May was the “roof knock”, where the IDF strikes the roof of a target building with a small bomb that is not enough to destroy the building entirely but to get people to leave before the main strike comes to demolish it. Great job guys! The families inside get to have the ever-loving shit scared out of them and be scarred for life as they grab what meagre possessions that they can manage and flee before the main strike comes and destroys their home and anything or anyone left in it. I’m sure that one is a shoo-in for a Nobel Peace Prize. Look out Oslo, here comes the IDF!

If anything, I’d say the IDF’s tactics – or lack thereof – on avoiding civilian casualties are more of a middle finger to anyone who expresses outrage regarding them. They’re basically trolling by way of methods that, while maybe technically reducing civilian casualties in some cases, still causes immense harm and hardship to those that the strikes are visited upon for what I can only venture is marginal military gains (if any). I see tactics like these, and the first parallel I can think of is many of the humiliations and abuses that U.S. police officers visit upon protestors and marginal populations. Much like with those, all I can think of when I see IDF tactics in Gaza is what I’ve heard a number of folks on the left say: “the cruelty is the point.”

Enough is Enough

Even if I throw my morals and ethics (and brains and soul) to the wind and abstain from objecting to Israel’s tactics, I can’t say they even got any good long-term results.  Despite the fact the IDF dealt damage to armed groups’ command structure and military capabilities, rockets continued to be launched throughout the conflict up until a few days before the ceasefire on May 21st – even under punishing IDF fire. Groups like Hamas may take time to recover, but with the political capital they will have earned by their perceived defense of Palestinians in the context of the Sheikh Jarrah dispute and other ongoing issues, Hamas and other groups may come out of this recent crisis even stronger in the long run. If the IDF’s intent was to cripple or even destroy armed group’ ability to fight, any victory Israel can claim will likely be temporal and beyond that it may have even shot itself in the foot as it will have strengthened resistance to its occupation.

What this means is, everything we saw in May is likely to happen again. If anything, we’re lucky (in the loosest sense of the word) that this recent campaign did not go on as long as those in 2008 or 2014, or involve ground campaigns, as the casualties would have likely been even worse.

I’m not going to pretend like I have the answer to solving Israel/Palestine because I sure as shit don’t and I don’t think most people who say they do have an answer either. I do know that the only way anything will be made right there is when Palestinians are truly free, allowed to return to their homeland, and live fully equally with the same human and civil rights as Israelis. I don’t know how we get there. I feel like it is possible but is something that will take generations of work to get to and will not be easy and will be rife with pitfalls along the way.

What I do know for sure is that one of the first steps on this journey is holding Israel accountable for everything I have described, something that the United States – Israel’s main supporter – has studiously avoided during the May bombings and virtually every other military action Israel has undertaken in the past. Simply put, we can’t let Israel keep getting way with this, or nothing will change. They will only grow more emboldened – more so even than they have in their most recent brazen attacks – and engage in more wanton violence as the mainstream of Israeli politics continues to lurch further and further to the right with no sign of hitting a wall.

I am filled with some hope in that I feel fewer and fewer people are tolerating the slaughter, as was seen with protests and displays of solidarity across the United States during the course of the campaign. As the mask comes off of Israel’s behavior, I have to hope that eventually the pressure will reach a point where even U.S. politicians – traditionally having a bi-partisan consensus to uncritically support Israel in any of its actions – will finally be forced to hold Israel accountable. We’re already seeing some elected officials apply more pressure on that front. 

The events of May could finally be at a turning point where enough people decide enough is enough when it comes to the horrors inflicted on Palestinians. I can only hope that this change in opinion happens sooner rather than later, as the longer change takes the achieve, the more Palestinians will be victims of the IDF “mowing the lawn” in Gaza.

[marigoldplastic]

I'm not doing okay

It's currently 3 AM. Usually, this isn't an unfamiliar time of day for me, but right now, it's foreign and something I wish I wasn't experiencing. I'm scared, I'm angry, I'm frustrated. I wish there was more I could do, but all I'm capable of is slowly building my life and urging myself to succeed.

Thoughts race through my head wondering what my future will look like. Will my dad ever be able to walk me down the isle? Will he be able to see me graduate from Community College? Will he make it to the liver transplant? Right now... a lot of these things are looking like a "no". I'm devastated. You really can never prepare yourself enough to see your hero and most beloved family member in such a vulnerable position. He's so weak and is becoming increasingly frail... all in the span of a couple of short weeks.

I'm awoken tonight, at 2:30 AM, by the echoing sounds of violent vomiting through the walls from the master bathroom to my room; it really is a shame my closet wall is the bathroom wall. Now I can't sleep anymore. Not that my sleeping has been any good lately. Restless, on and off fits of weird, and often times uncomfortable, dreams have been plaguing me this past week and a half. I guess I can try to find the bright side tonight. At least I know I'll be awake enough to shower this morning. It's 3:29 AM and I need to wake up at 6:45 to prepare to leave for my classes and drive my friend to school with me.

Guess the early bird gets the worm...

I feel very... alone. I feel like I pissed my best friend off, just by talking about my textbook buying habits. I don't know how to talk or be around people on a deeper level. Even these friends, who have known me for nearly a decade now, are foreign to me at times. Sometimes I feel so selfish, like I don't pay enough attention to them. Sometimes I find it really hard to relate to them. They like to say I'm rich. I'm really not, but I can't ever say that to them because they just don't believe it. The only reason I have the things I do is mostly because of my brother, or years and years of saving items and things. From collecting hand me downs and taking advantage of every opportunity I can when I can.

Especially back in the day, when I lived in the desert and my dad was with Karen still, we struggled a lot. Karen would spend all of my dad's money. He was retired and got a decent pension, but that wasn't enough to support his child with a birth defect AND his selfish wife's spending habits; so he got another job at a Tax Man. Those years were really rough... He wasn't around a lot and the abuse I suffered from Karen was at some of its worse at that time. I only have the things I have because I played my cards right. I'm not rich, I may be fortunate, but I'm not privileged in such a way like that. Things are quite a bit better now, because my dad's new wife - my step mom - has her own pension. Which is great because Karen took half of my dad's in the divorce.

My dad... he used to buy meat on sale on the extra weeks of work during the longer months. He would store them in a deep freezer and use that to feed the family for the month until he could scrounge up enough to buy more again. He struggled to pay bills. He got angry at Karen for spending money they didn't have. But my dad is SMART. He worked his ass off and saved every penny he could to provide for his family and kids so they never FELT poor. This extended to me, even in his retirement. To say we're rich is an insult. I hate that my friends can so casually call me that because we play our cards right. We were never given a good hand, we just played the slow and long game, and put on good little white people smiles.

My dad shouldn't have spoiled me like he did. As I get older, the more I realize just how much that took out of him. The only reason we got the Oak Hills house was because he put his entire inheritance into building it. His dead father, who he loved so much, left him a small chunk of change and he couldn't use it for himself. He used it to build a house in a better school district for me and used it for my extensive surgeries. That money is just gone. Especially after the divorce... he never kept documentation of his inheritance he put into the house so that was never given back to him after the divorce. I struggle to keep my leg healthy because of how much he struggled to give me the medical help I needed.

We may not be outwardly struggling... but we're not well off. My stepmom, god my stepmom had it even worse than my dad did. She would collect cans from people at her various jobs to pay for her children's necessities and extracurricular activities. They would run the water on the lowest possible pressure and have lights on only at specific times of days because some months the bills were almost too expensive to pay. I shouldn't have to apologize for being "privileged" the way I am. It's not a privilege. It's the result of years, decades, of hard work, tears, and thrown away dreams. This isn't being rich. This is what sacrifice looks like. And now it looks like a frail man who shouldn't be dying as quickly as he is.

I don't know what I'm going to do with myself when he passes. As time moves on... I feel less comfortable confiding in my friends about the struggles I go through. I fear judgement. I fear being too intense. I'm just not built to interact with people, no matter how close they are to me. I can't control myself, I can't control my emotions, I can't be a good friend unless I'm throwing money at them. Even when I have no money to throw, I still do it. Why do I feel the need to buy people's friendship. I guess the answer is simple. I'm not good enough to have friends with just my personality and social skills. I need to have something that makes people want to keep me around. Otherwise... they'd easily see what a shitty person I am.

It's funny how I worry about my dad walking me down the isle someday... I don't know if I'll ever get married. I'm an awful partner and my mental illnesses, whatever the fuck they may be, are just too intense. I feel horrible putting people I love through my tantrums and indecisiveness. I'm one of those people that probably shouldn't be alive. I'm more of a burden on this world than it's worth.

If only my dad didn't put his inheritance into my leg. I'd much rather of killed myself years ago then grow up to be the person I am and see my dad in the state he's in now.

[the-mortifying-ordeal-of]

Are you there, recovery? It's me, relapse.

Welp. Got my ass back in AlAnon. Really, if I'm being fair to myself, I never left recovery. Basically since February of 2016, I'm been clawing and scraping my way to a healthier life.

February 2016: Joined AlAnon, attended 1-4 times weekly for 14 months. November 2016: Started weekly, then biweekly, then monthly therapy for 3.5 years. April 2017: Quit AlAnon (still deeply in therapy) February 2020: Went back into AlAnon, attended for a few months, then Zoom AlAnon died out. April 2020: "Graduated" from therapy (knew I needed a female therapist to work on sex trauma) and Zoom therapy sucked. May 2020: Started meditating ~sometimes, still going! August 2021: Tried AlAnon in new city, only attended a few meetings. September 2021: Started 200 hour yoga teacher training, finished in February. January 2022: Started biweekly therapy with sex trauma therapist, still going strong. June 2022: One-month sabbatical from my partner. November 2022: Back in 3rd city AlAnon, 2-4 times weekly, now living with my mother (temporarily?)

Meanwhile I've read a kajillion books and articles, listened to so many podcasts, attended numerous trainings, and have had a million conversations with people in an effort to deepen my authenticity and connections. I really am healing. I went back on my primary blog to see if I wrote about why I quit and gee whiz did my attitude suck. My attitude sucks now but not nearly as bad.

But ok, yeah, so here I am journaling. Because I don't want to do therapy AT my relationships, my actual therapist can only do so much (especially if I spend the whole session just regurgitating stuff to feel Heard when I could process here), and I have a lot to work through. I know that writing does a lot of good for memory and behavioral activation, especially after I flood myself with new information. I need to synthesize, process, rehearse, plan, set goals, and check in on myself.

It turns out I'm still deeply codependent with my partner, I rarely experience confidence, I experience deep shame most of the time that I open my mouth, I take personal responsibility for how people feel about me and around me, and if I'm being honest, I have flippant suicidal thoughts a little too often. I quickly spiral into despair, overwhelm, and hopelessness. It's possible the reasons I feel so terrible after dancing, talking, drinking, sharing, or having sex is because most of those are spontaneous, vulnerable expressions of myself and I feel like I am gross, bad, and wrong at my core. I only feel "confident" when I followed rules or a script well.

Financially I would like to stay with my mom a while longer, or maybe move in with my BFF, but I have a savings account and this might be a season of my life that requires drawing on it. Even though I have spent so much on teacher training, my master's certificate that I never finished, and my car might die soon. I want to hoard my safety net. My breathing gets tight when I think about money and the future.

However, I know I need to live alone. I'd like to find a nice little studio or one-bedroom here in my family's town, but I might go live in the big city with my other BFF if she separates from her partner, too. I need to figure out how much it'll cost to break the lease in our current place in Nowhere. God money stresses me out. This wasn't supposed to be a planning post but clearly I'm preoccupied.

I have a racial justice meeting in 30 minutes that I want to want to do, but I mostly want to flake. It asks a lot of me and exposes vulnerabilities and that's why I should lean in and grow through them, do my exposure therapy, but oooh the temptation of cancelling plans.. I know I usually feel better when I do things. God but I was up at 3:30am for work.. but also be the change you want to see in the world (and yourself) and I wanna be the kind of person who shows up. But boundaries! But sometimes self care is doing the hard thing...

I dunno man. I'm scared. I feel small and bad and overwhelmed and a little alienated. I have fabulous people in my life, I do. I have so much ego to dissolve, though. I also wanna explore at some point if my gratitude and encouragement practices are actually fawning or attachment/unhelpful ego reflections, versus actual non-violent communication offerings.

I'd like to write here at least weekly, maybe to discuss what I learn in therapy, in AlAnon, or do some structured journal prompts from all the things I've learned. I'd like an AlAnon sponsor once I know where I'll be. I'd like to read my daily literature at least every-other day, and meditate most days. I liked going to my mom's exercise class, she has a WiiFit, I always love going to my friends' in-person yoga classes, tis the season for indoor YouTube yoga too, and there's a walking track here I can use. I also found out I love hiking int he cold, as long as I'm dressed appropriately. I'm so grateful my car is still going - it's an anchor in a period that feels like homelishness.

I am good, I think. I do think I belong here, probably. Affirmations don't feel right and I'm very confused but I'm gonna keep trying and showing up. Ugh and I'll probably do that racial justice thing tonight too. It's about faith, so that'll be neat.

Future Me, I hope I'm doing ok. I hope you're doing ok. I'm sorry for my imperfections; please love me, understand me, forgive me. I'm trying to get there, but I'm also trying to enjoy here. We've been so cruel to Past Me and I want us all to be good, be ok, be whole. Be safe, be happy, be healthy, live with ease - you know? Thank you for looking out for me. We can do this, because others have and others will, and we belong with them. We belong. Everything is fine. All of it was good, right?