#and i’ll restructure this to talk about it more appropriately

[rmd-writes]

Hi, I have a random question about writing but no pressure to respond! 

I am pretty new to the LS fandom (mostly lurking lol) and have been thinking about writing for it. I've never used a beta before and I thought it might be good to find one if I decide to try writing for Lone Star. So I'm sort of doing a survey and asking a few people to get an idea of how it works.

As a writer for the fandom who also does some beta reading, I think it's cool you have both POVs and I was curious if you would mind sharing what the process is like for you? Like when you read other people's fic, what do you need from the writer when you're looking at their work? How much do you talk about the stories? How deep do you get with feedback or is that something you and the writer decide on?

When you have used a beta for your own stuff, how has that been helpful? Does it make a big difference or is it just nice to have?  Is it hard to get or give feedback that isn't always positive? Seems like the scariest part tbh lol. Thanks for any insight you can offer, sorry for the long ask!

hi lurker anon and welcome to the fandom! 💖 You’ve asked some interesting questions and I’ll do my best to answer them for you. what the process is like for you?

I think you’ll find that ever beta reader is different and it really depends on the beta and the reader and even the fic! I work with the same writers a lot, but it’s always a little different because of the time available (to both of us), the kind of fic it is and when in the writing process I got involved!

I’ve talked a little about the process of beta reading (as it is for me) here. 

As I said, it does vary from fic to fic, but thing that remains the same for me is that - time allowing - I will always try to do at least two passes through the doc, because inevitably there are things I miss the first time. I look at fixing up any obvious typos, but also tidying up grammar and phrasing and just generally looking at ways to improve the fic and make it better than it already is. 

when you read other people's fic, what do you need from the writer when you're looking at their work? How much do you talk about the stories? How deep do you get with feedback or is that something you and the writer decide on?

I’ll answer these together because they’re all related. 

What I need from the writer is the document itself, but also guidance as to what they want. There are times when all I’ve done is read a fic for feedback as to whether the emotional beats the writer is trying to hit is there. Some people just want someone to proof read and pic up any glaring errors but not really edit the words themselves. Other writers want any and all feedback that I might have.

Talking about the stories depends on when I came into the process. For long, multichapter fics, it’s quite common that I come into the process at the plotting stage or maybe after the first chapter is written. I might get an outline of the fic or maybe we will just chat about it. But, for example, to use some long LS fics as an example, for both Magnetic North and Love Game, @paper-storm and @welcometololaland would chat with me about the plot, what was coming up, bounce ideas off me and I’d make suggestions about the story too.

In terms of how deep I get with feedback, yes, that depends on what the writer wants. There’s a level of trust involved in beta reading - a writer has to trust their beta! And the more I work with a particular writer, the more I get to know them, their style and what they want from me. My feedback might include plot suggestions, tweaking dialogue or the phrasing of a sentence, making sure that everyone’s limbs are where they’re supposed to be, checking that characters have removed or are wearing appropriate clothing for the scene, or suggesting restructuring a fic or chapter (including maximising the effect of cliffhangers which I have a love/hate relationship with).

When you have used a beta for your own stuff, how has that been helpful?

It’s hard to be objective when you look at and edit your own work. I can do it and try and switch my beta brain on, but there are always things that a beta will find and improve on that I won’t find myself. Sometimes when you’re that close to the writing, you don’t notice that you’ve used the word smile five times in three paragraphs, for example.

Does it make a big difference or is it just nice to have?

For me personally, I tend to have a friend or two living in my gdocs most of the time, and also send snippets of the fic to friends along the way, because I love the feedback and validation while I’m writing, so a beta is a “nice to have”. A lot of the time, beyond my friends picking up on typos as they read the fics, I don’t use a beta - especially if it’s just a smutty oneshot. I do want to use one more though, because my writing is always better when I do use one!

There are times when I’ve sent a doc link to a friend with a message like THIS ISN’T WORKING HELP and they’ve been kind enough to talk me off a ledge so I don’t delete the document and help me figure out what needs fixing. This isn’t necessarily beta reading though (but a beta can do that if they’re willing and you want them to) If you don’t have people to do that for you, then a beta can do some of that if you ask them to - it’s nice to get comments on what they liked in the fic as well as the things they think need tweaking!

Is it hard to get or give feedback that isn't always positive?

This comes back to trust - you need to trust that your beta just wants to help make your fic the best it can be, that their feedback is always intended to be constructive and that they will deliver it with kindness. I’m not sure that I’ve ever given or received feedback that is truly negative - if something needs improvement there are ways to do that gently by making suggestions or asking questions. It does come down to how well you know each other though - I know I can leave Lola a comment that just says “??????” (or vice versa) and neither of us will be upset with it and we’ll probably just laugh about whatever the error was. I hope that answers your questions! If there are stories you think you want to tell about these characters we all love, you should do that! 💖

[wartakes]

“What Should It Look Like?” Part III: The Navy (OLD ESSAY)

This essay was originally posted on April 20th, 2022, and is a continuation of the "What Should It Look Like?" series of essays.

In this entry in the series, I go after the Navy - which I think in an Armed Forces of shitshows, is by far the biggest shitshow currently. However, in modern warfare, a navy is still crucially important, so I try to wrap my head around how to make it suck less in service of a foreign policy that also sucks less.

(Full essay below the cut).

Thought I forgot about this series, didn’t you?

Well, I didn’t forget about it. But in case you hadn’t noticed, global events over the past few months had distracted me some. While the war in Ukraine is by no means over and we should still pay close attention to it, I think I at least have sufficient breathing room right now to write about something else for a bit (I don’t want to become a single-issue commentator anyway). So, now seems as good a time as any to return to imagining how I would restructure the U.S. military in a hypothetical future where it was being used to more appropriate ends (if you’re new to this, I’d suggest starting back at part one and working your way up to this).

We’ve already talked about everyone’s favorite green machine, the U.S. Army. Now it’s time to take to the waves and try to unfuck what is currently the most fucked of all the services: the U.S. Navy. Oh, don’t get me wrong: all branches of the military are fucked up, but to put an Orwellian spin on it: some are more fucked up than others (and the some in this case is the Navy). So, anchors aweigh and full speed ahead: let’s kick this pig.

The U.S. Navy: America’s Floating Disaster Factory

Oh, U.S. Navy. You’re such a glorious trainwreck of an armed service. Whether you’re driving your ships into other ships, getting embroiled in massive and now infamous corruption scandals, or engineering procurement boondoggles that would make all the other services blush by comparison, you really are leading the pack when it comes to being the problem child of the Armed Forces. Add in the fact that out of all the services, you’re the one that’s gone the longest (since the Battle of Leyte Gulf in 1944) without actually fighting anyone who can give you a run for your money, and you’re just a recipe for disaster (beyond the minor ones you cause just by existing).

While it may seem tempting to throw the baby out with the bathwater, in a world where wars do unfortunately need to be fought and your military needs to move vast distances in order to fight them, a Navy is essential. In the event of a large scale war, the vast majority of the military’s heavy equipment and supplies will have to be moved by ship – as does the vast majority of the world’s trade in general. While air travel may be good for rapid deploying light forces and some equipment, moving an entire force by air is highly inefficient in terms of time, energy, efficiency, and more. As long as you’re going to need to move most of your forces and supplies by sea, and most of what keeps the world running moves by sea, you’ll need forces to control the sea and do battle on and from it as needed.

With that requirement laid out pretty clearly, how do you solve a problem like the U.S. Navy? I’ll give you a bottom-line up front on that now: cutting back in some areas and doubling down on others in terms of types of ships, and adopting a completely different strategic mindset.

The Carrier is Dead; Long Live the Carrier

I’m going to tell you right now: if you’re a big fan of aircraft carriers and carrier aviation, you’re probably not going to like what I have to say next.

However, I will give anyone of that disposition some small reassurance now: I don’t think aircraft carriers are obsolete, per say. I think they still have a use case. However, I think that use case has become – and will continue to become – far more limited as new capabilities and concepts in warfare are developed (and I’ll get more into why I think that in a few paragraphs).

The aircraft carrier was a game changer when it first saw combat in World War II, after having been developed between the two World Wars. It quickly rendered the battleship – the previous capital ship of naval warfare – all but obsolete and has dominated the high seas ever since. But now, crucial developments in military technology threaten to knock the carrier off its throne.

This is not to say that carriers have always been invincible. A quick peek at all the carriers lost in combat by all participants in World War II will show you that was never the case and that the carrier has always had threats. But those threats have evolved significantly to a point where the push and pull of advantage between the carrier and its counters is shifting in the latter’s favor.

The biggest threat to the carrier – and warships in general today – are anti-ship missiles (AShMs). These aren’t exactly new and have been a threat for a long time, but to be a true threat meant getting a platform carrying them – be it a ship, an aircraft, or a land-based launcher – close enough to fire and then getting the missile past all the carrier’s defenses (such as the AEGIS Combat System or  Close-In Weapons Systems gatling guns). But missiles have increased dramatically in sophistication in recent years, extending their range and their precision. When you compare the range of the U.S. Navy’s standard anti-ship missile for the past forty years – the Harpoon – to the YJ-18 of the Chinese People’s Liberation Army Navy, the Harpoon is rapidly becoming outclassed (which is part of why the Navy has been working feverishly to deploy an anti-ship variant of the longer-ranged Tomahawk cruise missile to the fleet in recent years). There’s also the unfortunate fact that, whatever defenses you have – or are building – they could always be saturated by more missiles.

But extended range models of standard anti-ship missiles and anti-ship cruise missiles (ASCMs) aren’t the only worry on the high seas. Now you also have to contend with a burgeoning new class of anti-ship missile: the anti-ship ballistic missile – like China’s DF-21D with a potential range of over 1300 miles. While ASCMs like the YJ-18 and Maritime Strike Tomahawk already have generous ranges, a ASBM puts an ASCM to shame with its range. An adversary with ASBMs on mobile launchers could position them all along its coastline – or even further inland depending on how extensive its range is – and fire on targets thousands of miles out at sea. And if you deployed an ASBM onboard a surface ship or submarine – as China reportedly may be planning on? Then you’d have even fewer places to hide that were out of range.

Obviously, these weapons aren’t infallible or invincible – no weapon is. Even if you have a fancy missile with a long range, you still need to find and fix your target before you can engage it, and the oceans are vast. But technology is improving on that front as well, especially when it comes to space-based sensors. What this all adds up to is a much harder time for large surface fleets in a major war at sea. While war on the ocean’s surface isn’t going anywhere, its certainly undergoing a rethink.

The carrier requires the biggest rethink in light of these changes, seeing that for any nation that possesses them (like the United States which possesses eleven – more than any other carrier possessing country), is going to be the largest and most conspicuous target on the water. If you do lose one, you stand to lose – in the case of a Nimitz-class  – upwards of over 5000 officers and crew and as many as ninety aircraft and helicopters on top of the nearly 10 billion USD carrier itself. While the carrier will still have defenses both on board and in its accompanying battle group, as mentioned before those defenses are less certain in the face of technological developments and also potentially with sheer numbers. An AEGIS missile-defense system may be good, but if you keep firing enough relatively cheap anti-ship missiles at a group of ships, sooner or later one will get through (or the defender will just potentially run out of ammo first).

Again, carriers aren’t completely obsolete. Having a mobile platform capable of launching and retrieving both fixed-wing and rotary-wing aircraft at sea is still useful. Not every potential adversary in the future will have the advanced anti-ship capabilities that some of the most sophisticated militaries in the world are developing or even marketing. There’s still a number of countries around the world that see value in having carriers – including China, which has a third on the way with a fourth possibly in the works. However, maybe like how most other countries in the world that have carriers only have one, two, or at most a handful, we don’t need ten or twelve. It’s an asset that is useful in some situations, but not in all situations. I can’t say for sure how many carriers we should have, but I can say we definitely don’t need as many as we have now and that the final number should ultimately be based on the scenarios we see as most likely and the carrier’s actual role in them.

The few carriers that you’ll hang onto don’t have to be as big as a massive Nimitz or Ford-class “supercarrier” either. Take for example the French Charles de Gaulle-class nuclear-powered aircraft carrier – the only other currently operational conventional “flattop” carrier not in U.S. Navy service. Though at full load it is less than half the tonnage of a Nimitz class carrier, it still carries an air wing of up to 40 aircraft, including multirole fighters, support helicopters, airborne early warning and control aircraft, and more. It does all this with less than half the compliment of a Nimitz class. In a much-reduced role for carriers for the U.S. Navy, several of this size would still go a long way. And this is before we even go down the rabbit hole of STOBAR and STOL carriers – which most other countries have, but I just don’t have time to get into right now. Basically, you got proven options to go smaller and fewer with.

The bottom line for carriers is that they are not obsolete, but their application will become more limited and focused. One way or another, they’re going to have to operate in more permissive environments – either in warzones where extensive anti-ship threats are less pervasive, or in warzones where the anti-ship threat from all domains has been degraded enough to allow them to come in and support the forces that are already doing battle. Carriers still have a use, but more and bigger is not the way forward. The way forward is fewer, smaller, and more smartly used.

“Haha Missile Go ‘Woosh’”

The Navy doesn’t appear to be blind to the changing landscape in maritime warfare, which is why it’s been pushing its concept of Distributed Maritime Operations (DMO). As with most military concepts, a lot of it is pedantic and inscrutable, but the basic idea of DMO is to spread ships out further rather than concentrating them in easier to find and target groups – keeping them connected and coordinated as they do so. The idea is to create targeting problems for an enemy with a large – but not infinite – number of long-range missiles of various types; to make it harder to find and fix targets and make it more difficult for them to choose where to utilize finite resources and munitions.

This is a good first step, but the Navy is doing this while still clinging to the concept of the carrier as it continues to forge ahead with the new Ford-class to replace the Nimitz (which is just as large and has been rife with problems throughout development as all recent Navy ships have been). Meanwhile, the Navy continues to debate with itself and Congress just how many ships it should have (or how many it can really afford instead of giving us all health care and forgiving my student loans – FORGIVE MY FUCKING STUDENT LOANS, JOE).

This brings us to the second half of why fewer and smaller carriers are better – aside from them just becoming more vulnerable targets that offer an adversary a lot of gain from their destruction while offering their operator less and less utility. By having fewer and smaller carriers, you free up a vast amount of resources to put into areas where you get more bang for your naval buck (or send some of that money back to us peasants to build roads, schools, hospitals, etc. but what do I know I’m just a dumb socialist).

Basically, if modern naval warfare is a glorified missile duel, you’re going to want more missile slingers, and right now carriers are taking up resources that could not only be freed up for missile-launching ships but would get more value per ship if you chose to focus on that. You could buy a larger number of smaller ships like frigates and destroyers that present a harder to find target but still have considerable firepower. This applies not just to surface ships, but also missile submarines that could fire land-attack missiles and AShMs as well as torpedoes, and are even more difficult to find in the open ocean (I could go on a whole thing here about anti-submarine warfare but just rest assured that even under the best of conditions ASW is extremely difficult to do; oh, and seeing how ASW is hard to do, maybe if carriers weren’t sucking up so much manpower and resources you could focus on more ASW ships and aircraft)

The aircraft are another part of the equation on why cutting back on carriers gets you more, because not only do you no longer have to worry about the carrier but then also about supporting the numerous aircraft that it carries with munitions, fuel, maintenance, etc. Again, that’s resources you can divert elsewhere for more effectiveness (or again, back to actually trying to improve civil society somewhat). If your carrier is so vulnerable that moving close enough to an operational area to deploy its aircraft poses too much of a risk to the carrier, then maybe you’re better off hitting whatever you would have hit with aircraft with missiles delivered by ship, land-based launchers, or long-range bombers and other aircraft that can carry missiles to a stand-off distance and then fire them and turn right back around. Maybe the aircrews and maintenance crews might be better used in another capacity rather than sailing around on an airstrip that is only useful if it risks making itself a gigantic target.

Also, while I’m always the guy who cautions people not to make Skynet real, this is an area where unmanned vehicles could play a critical role. While I’m very much against making drones that can think and operate on their own, I think a more sensible road forward in this area for all domains is “manned-machine teaming,” where you have several unmanned vehicles that respond to the orders of a human or humans in a manned system and share information between the systems. In this case, instead of having a surface action group of three manned warships, you could have one where there’s one manned warship acting as the command ship, with a handful of unmanned ships essentially acting as floating, self-propelled missile launchers. Not only does not having to have crew on board those ships help you cut back on numerous costs and feel the potential loss of a ship less, but you could also send an unmanned ship into areas that would be more of a risk for a ship with personnel on board. I’m never in favor of creating weapons that operate without any human control, but this is an area where they can act as a force multiplier.

Putting An End to “Everywhere and Nowhere”

I don’t want anyone to be under the illusion that if you just got rid of most of the Navy’s carriers and bought a bunch of ships that just fired missiles that everything would be peachy keen with the service. While that would go a long way in pushing the Navy towards what it ought to be, it is only one part of the equation. There are obviously many other issues that the Navy – as the military as a whole – struggles with. I can’t go into all of them here, but I can go into one big issue that has led the Navy to where it is today and that’s it’s the idea at the core of how it currently operates: the obsession with presence.

At the end of the Cold War with the “peace dividend” that was bought and the cutbacks and drawdowns that ensued, the Navy was faced with a difficult choice with how it would structure itself and operate going forward in the post-Cold War world. For a myriad of reasons, the choice that it ultimately made was to prioritize a global presence above all else, rather than an actual ability to fight a war at sea. Former Deputy Secretary of Defense Bob Work lays this out in a piece for the U.S. Naval Institute (and while he immediately loses credibility in my book for referencing Samuel Huntington, he does make some good points). In a more ideologically aware reading of Work’s analysis, presence was seen as critical to demonstrating the Navy’s worth in a post-Cold War world without a major adversary, preserving American influence around the world by constantly being a reminder of American military might, and also potentially even deterring wars from breaking out through the constant presence of substantial military power.

Obviously, this did not work out. Countless wars have broken out since the end of the Cold War (some of them by our own doing) that were not deterred by constant U.S. Navy presence. Likewise, the degree to which the United States holds influence over the world compared to its fleeting moment of hyperpower in the 1990s is debatable. All the Navy has to show for it in return is a service pushed to the limit. A service that, despite being among the largest and best equipped navies in the world, many times seems to be everywhere and nowhere at the same time, jumping back and forth between places like a 90s sitcom character trying to be with two dates at the same restaurant. A service that, despite having several hundred thousand personnel, runs them ragged to the point they’re crashing ships into one another out of exhaustion and poor training. The U.S. Navy may not be to the point of the Russian Navy (yet), but on a long enough timeline without serious change it’s not hard to imagine it getting there.

One of my oft returned to concepts is the idea that empire is actually toxic to a military. Maintaining empire by necessity requires putting pressure and stress on a military that continuously erodes its effectiveness, professional culture, morale, equipment, and more. You see this in the case of the Navy’s focus on presence in the post-Cold War era, scattering its ships to the four corners of the globe, often with a mission no more specific than “to be there.” Now, even as it’s faced with a potentially serious challenger in the form of the ever-growing Chinese PLAN, the Navy still has this presence mindset that hinders it from returning to that original purpose of fighting a war at and from the sea. It just further reinforces that not having an imperial mindset and approach to the rest of the world is not only betters for the soul ideologically, but also sound military sense if you want a more healthy and capable force.

If you’re not constantly focused on having a ship in every single potential crisis zone or place you have an interest throughout the world, when the shit hits the fan and a crisis becomes serious enough to risk escalating into a war, you may actually have ships available with crews that might actually be well rested and know how to do their jobs that can respond to that crisis and be ready to fight. If you’re not focused on presence for the sake of influence, when an ally or partner comes under attack by an aggressor and requests help, you’ll actually have a naval force that is in good enough shape to assist them. Maybe its overly simplistic to me as someone who’s never served in uniform or taken a class at the Naval War College, but maybe also its just hard to wrap your head around these ideas when you’ve been drinking the Kool-Aid your entire career.

As much as I’m sure many on the Naval staff would love a return to the 600 ship Navy of the Cold War, that’s never going to happen even with the most generous of defense budgets under the current system – let alone under the system we’d rather have in place. Accepting that, then the Navy needs to step back from the obsession of being everywhere at once if it wants to be in one or two places when its really needed and then be able to actually engage in combat to a useful end. It needs to accept that it cannot on its own act as a deterrent and that at the end of the day its role is to fight a war when it is called upon to do so.

Semper Fortis (but for real this time)

A navy will remain a crucial component of the military even under a democratic socialist system, if we want to carry out the strategy I outlined in part one and actually military exercise solidarity with other peoples around the globe. A navy is necessary not only to keep hostile forces from the controlling the seas, but to support forces operating on land and in the air. An effective navy carrying out our strategy not only needs to divest of less useful systems and invest in more practical, efficient, and effective ones, but needs to completely reconceptualize what its purpose is. It needs to not only refocus on fighting a war at sea, but rethink the entire reason its fighting a war at sea to begin with. It needs to understand it is doing so not for the sake of its own influence or the influence of a particular country or flag, but to do so in order to play its part in protecting others that are in danger when war erupts. To ensure that the supplies necessary not only to fighting war but maintaining peace and life are able to flow freely.

For centuries, Navies have been seen by empires as critical to guarding the lifelines of capital and imperial power. For ensuring that an unbroken connection was maintained between the imperial core and its various markets and dependencies. That perception must be broken and replaced with a different concept of lifelines. That the Navy is instead responsible for guarding the lifelines that link together working peoples that are dedicated to building freer and more just societies for all who live in them. Lifelines that allow peoples and nations that are working to create a better world for themselves and others to defend one another from forces of reaction and authoritarianism. In this hypothetical better world that I imagine to keep myself from going batshit crazy, navies must play the role of helping to keep empire and fascism at bay, not working as an active agent to facilitate their spread. As with our perception of war in general as leftists, we have to flip the narrative on the Navy. We have to make sure that when warships put to sea, they’re doing so to defend others, not to facilitate their oppression.

Ok, alright, I’m dipping into the purple prose a bit too much now so I think it’s time to wrap this one up as I’m already over 4000 words (constantly setting new personal “bests” with these). In our next installment in this series, we’ll be looking at the Navy’s own private Army – the United States Marine Corps, and hoo boy I hope you’re not too attached to them because I have plans (don’t worry Marines, the plans I have for you are much like my plans for carriers; you’ll still be around, there’ll just be much, MUCH fewer of you). Also, if you thought I forget about amphibious assault ships in my rant on carriers – that’s where I’m gonna cover them. For now, though, anchors aweigh on my end. Until next time, stay safe out there, folks.

[colorisbyshe]

I’m so pissed at whoever came up with “nblm/nblw” like they couldn’t even be bothered to look up what wlw means before aping it lmfao

What’s interesting is it seems (though i cannot conclusively say) that WLW and MLM are both derived from “SGL” or “same gender loving,” a term created to describe and unite Black gay and bisexual people. It was created as an alternative to whiter understandings of same gender attraction.

Completely divorced from its (POTENTIAL, I do need to emphasize this, as I have never seen a direct link between SGL and WLW/MLM, though it’s… quite curious and I’ve admittedly never done a deep dive to confirm or deny) origins, as what happens with AAVE by white internet users and academics alike, people have warped it and completely forgotten what the acronyms mean and are meant to do as shorthand.

I’m gonna be honest… even when done properly (ie MLNB and WLNB as opposed to NBLM and NBLW), it really just doesn’t work within the framework of SGL OR WLW/MLM.

There is no unified experience of nonbinary people loving men or women. I, a nonbinary woman, have little in common with a “man loving” nonbinary man or even a man loving nonbinary woman who does not also love women.

WLW and MLM (and SGL) are unified by same gender attraction. That’s the fucjing point. Because nonbinary covers infinite iterations of gender and thus attraction “MLNB” covers both same and other gender attraction. There is no unification.

Loving men, loving women on their own aren’t really concrete enough to organize around or do anything with. They are so nebulous it makes little point to even separate the ML/WL aspect of it. By that I mean… it’d be more productive to focus on the nonbinary part and organize things like making sure we can marry our partners, have gender taken off government ID forms, etc, than it is to focus on loving men or women.

Instead of aping the POLITICAL reasons for SGL, MLM, and WLW to exist (and as separate things!), “NBLM/NBLW” or their more correct “MLNB/WLNB”, it just seems interested in making it nominally “more inclusive.” In a way that somehow totally leaves out bisexual people who suddenly have to use WLNB AND MLNB to describe their experiences 😭😭😭 Like suddenly bisexuality is left at the door even though SGL, MLM, and WLW were created TO BE INCLUSIVE OF US.

These terms mean nothing. And it makes those “MLM/NBLM” signs even more embarrassing because NBLM includes nonbinary women 😭😭😭

Like what does any of this accomplish. I know there is a slice of nonbinary people who do not fall under MLM/WLW because their gender can’t correlate to M or W at all, even tangentially, but I do not know what these new terms are doing for them besides making it a bit easier to say “I like men,” although it’s not even that much easier because you still have to clarify if you ONLY like men or also like other genders

Fucking embarrassingly tomfoolery all around. From the erasure of black origins (not surprising, considering how often white “NB” people don’t realize NB also means non-black), the complete lack of knowledge around how these acronyms mean Gender-loving as a descriptor of what type of man/woman you are), to the uselessness of the terms in general, even when done correctly

Also “Some people are using nblm/w to mean they’re nonbinary-loving men/women!” okay then they’re weird fetishizers cause EVERY orientation already includes attraction to nonbinary people and we’re not some monolith. There’s no good usage here.

And no one @ me. I’m nonbinary. I can bitch about this.

[michelo-thedreamer]

BLOG NUMBER 9

May 2, 2022

There’s an old adage from my childhood (yes, that period was many eons past) that went something like this, “Nobody wants to hear that their baby is ugly.” As a parent I understand that pronouncement: something that we, as parents, have responsibility for creating is, without question, unquestioned in grace and beauty.

Ah, but that’s not how a peer review of my most recent baby, my short story Flight from Egypt, was greeted. Though I should have known better, my baby was not the creation of another and, therefore, open to constructive criticism. And that criticism was, shall we kindly say, motivating.

The irony of the literary criticism received was the preface of my corresponding peer review of my peer review partner: this preface nobly declared my allegiance to the spirit of honest objective and subjective critique provided strictly in the interest of writing improvement.  As it happened, I received a fair measure of what I gave: I’m not quite sure that my peer reviewer stated forthrightly that my baby was ugly, but the critique certainly indicate that she possesses some mighty significant blemishes.

I was not amused. A day passed before I established on objectively positioned stance toward absorbing said criticism. The process of absorption was painful; however, the process was a learning event and, eventual, I learned a lot. In spite of my obvious degree of hypocrisy, I’ll reveal what I learned.

Though our class text provided plentiful advice on structuring dialog, I have to admit that my written dialog tended toward being stilted and questionably believable. The question was asked on a number of examples of my dialog, “Do real people talk like this?” The correct answer for the sake of learning was, in several case, no. I was, subsequently, my duty to revisit and frequently restructure the dialog I employed. While in some cases I engaged a regional Maine accent that I believed appropriate, my protagonist’s words needed adjustment. The lesson was a good one.

An additional area for writing improvement referenced in the peer review concerned strengthening the POV portrayed for the primary character in my story, Mara Michaud. Again, I initially resisted the suggestions provided; however, in further personal review I concluded that her voice and her point of view was diminished in certain areas of the story. To correct this, I found myself restructuring the story such that most of the scenes were focused on Mara and ensuring that sufficient information about Mara, such as who she was as a person apart from the action, such that she and her plight became more real for the reader. The learning process is more meaningful when one looks back and wonders why the oversights were initially formed: such are the diversions of being a life-long student and learner.

Finally, my peer reviewer provided feedback that caused me to question how the structure and paragraphs of my story were further the action within my tale. A follow-up revision of Flight from Egypt led to reordering the flow of the story, cutting nonessential material, and altered word usage. While I understand that the job of revision might continue until publication, I do believe that the story is a better one as the result of this criticism.

There was an additional lesson-learned in the course of the peer review process that, perhaps, the peer review had not intended: the art sticking to you guns when the rationale is justified. Given that the story is my baby, the essence of this child must, eventually, be mine to raise within the bounds of reasonable convention. For example, my protagonist, Mara. reached a point in her flight from Egypt that she achieved physical safety from bodily harm. My peer reviewer believed that my story should end at that achievement of physical safety. I disagreed. Why? Because a return to physical safety after a period of intense trauma does not necessarily ensure emotional or mental safety. The plight of those freed from Nazi death camps only to experience significant and prolonged emotional duress has been well documented as has the plentiful cases of PTSD for American combat veterans returning to the presumed safety of their home towns.

Hence, I retained the original intent of my story’s conclusion: Mara fails to achieve a sense of well-being regales of her eventual safe haven. Not necessarily a happy ending, but such are the realities of human existence.

My conclusion: learn from others when possible, but stick to your guns when creativity beckons elsewhere. it’s tough, but so is your character’s life.

[atomicblasphemy]

Blight Industries Board Meeting

I have some thoughts about that EE episode. Being myself I just couldn’t put them out in a sensible fashion, so I put on some crust in my headphones, amped everyone’s cynicism, and here’s the result.

                                                       O: Good evening everyone and welcome to the Blight Industries board meeting of number...            

Ed and Em shoot glances at each other as confused about how they ended up there as when it happened for the first time.            

Al looks longingly at his workshop door.            

Amity glares.            

Am: Mom, can we try to have dinner like a normal family which, according to Merriam-Webster at least, we technically are? For once at least?            

O: That can wait, Mittens. Anyway, I called you all here to announce I shall be making some changes to our company. Namely, I shall change the job titles of the three of you. I’m still CEO, Alador still development, research and, well, the assembly line I suppose. As for you, Emira, Edric, you’re now in charge of security. I don’t want to hear about company secrets leaking out, okay? Mittens, you’re our new marketing department.            

Am: Marketing?            

Em: Seriously, mom?            

Od: Dearests, this is a meeting please use our appropriate titles.            

Ed: No no no no. They have a point. Okay, let me see if I understand your thought process. So, you’re the head of a company, right?            

Od: I don’t like your tone, Edric. But okay, I’ll humor you. Yes I am, go on.            

Ed: And said company essentially sells only guns.            

Od: Mhmm, what’s your point?            

Ed: And you think that the best way to convey that is by using your local annoyed teenage lesbian that half the time looks like she would be rather doing literally anything else? Is that a correct assessment, ma’am?            

Od: Oh, and I suppose you have a better idea?            

Em: Yeah, we do. ANYONE ELSE. We *frantically and repeatedly points her finger from herself to Edric*  could do this, I mean we tried to leak our sister’s journal just a few weeks ago so we clearly know nothing about keeping secrets. You could do it. I mean, no offense, but putting up a show seems to be your only useful skill because if this your idea of how to run a company, we... aaaaand now I’m suddenly starting to realize where we get our decision making incompetence from. Anyway. This guy *points at Alador* could do it if you just made sure to remind him that that’s what’s funding his little research. Heck, you could hire Luz. She’s pretty charismatic and just took a shot at the Emperor himself. I’m sure having someone like that vouching for our products would do wonders for our business. See? That’s how you make a half-decent marketing strategy. Besides, I hear Luz could use the money and I’m sure Mittens would be happy to have her working here.            

Am: Yup, normally I’d have other reasons but honestly I’d just be happy someone else is doing this particular job.            

Al: *woop there goes gravity* Why? I told you this wasn’t the best idea. Besides, we agreed, twice at least, that I would take care of the abominations and you’d be in charge of everything else *leans in closer to whisper conspiratorially to Odalia* I don’t like dealing with them *points at their very loving children*.            

Ed, Em, and Am: HEY!            

Al: *sighs* Listen to your boss, children.            

The children huddle closer, they are the conspiratorial ones now.            

Am: We’re gonna end up broke and starving, aren’t we?            

Em: Yeah, isn’t it weird though? I mean, you’d think they’d have found someone better to... sponsor by now. Apparently that’s not the case. Moreover, why do they, our parents I mean, keeping putting so many resources into product development then? And it’s not even like we’re branching out into new markets, making some groundbreaking products. Nope, just shinier versions of the old stuff.            

Am: Hum... Can either of you teach me how to write a resume?            

Ed: I... uh... was going to ask you the same thing.            

--------------------------            

Later.            

Em: Okay, let’s recap the recent events, shall we?            

Odalia and Alador were sat side by side in flimsy wooden chair at the factory’s storage area. Their children loomed over them with stern faces.            

Am: First off, you decided to entirely restructure the company, you know, the one with our name in it. And you did so by making all possible wrong choices. Especially putting me as the face and head of marketing.            

Ed: Then, secondly, when you realized that wasn’t working due to Mittens, justifiably I might add, wanting to do pretty much anything else with her time. So you two in a strike of parenting brilliance decide that the best way to deal with all of that was not to, oh I don’t know, hire some specialist or anything like that for the position and let her, and us, be teenagers like any normal parent would do. No, instead you think: “Hey, I’ll double down and alienate the one of my children giving me a hard time from the only people she seems to like.”            

Al: In our defense...            

Em: AND THEN, when one of said people decide to actually do something about, and in a very diplomatic fashion given the circumstances, mind you, you go ahead and try to commit murder in front of a large audience of potential witnesses. Granted, not a particularly morally upstanding audience given the type of products they were trying to buy, but still. Do you have any idea how many people would want a piece of you if you actually hurt the human? You have three of them standing in front of you right now.            

Od: Well, Emira dearest, you can’t argue with the numbers. Tonight’s sale was an astounding success.            

Am: And she still has her poise despite all the failures... Look, the three of us, we’ve been talking. We somehow are also part of the board, right? Moreover, we are, despite all evidence on the contrary, still employs of this company. So we put things through a vote.            

Ed: First off, we’re unionizing. And your first demand is better working conditions...            

Od: I’m not putting apple blood fountains in the factory floors. That’s off the table. I already told this Edric. The abominations take a surprising liking to the stuff.            

Em: We can discuss the specifics later. We have other topics at hand.            

Al: Okay, like what?            

Em: You two are out. Actually just you mom. We still need dad for development of new products and stuff.            

Od: WHAT? You can’t do this.            

Am: Let me rephrase what Emira said: you’re not CEO anymore. She is.            

Al and Od: EMIRA?            

Ed: Yes, Emira. I’ll be in charge of supply and distribution as well as any other duties dad still had besides research and develop. Mom, you’re the new Mittens. I mean, marketing. You’re in charge of marketing now. Just marketing and literally nothing else. I’m sure we won’t regret giving you this much responsibility. And, by the way. One mistake and we’re hiring Luz for the job. AND we’re giving her enough shares to sit at the board.            

Od: *starts chuckling while reaching for a small book in her vest* I can’t say I’m not angry at the three of you, but it is indeed nice to see you trying to take a more active role in the company. But there’s a big flaw to your little coup. You see, according to article 15 of the Blight Industries statute, Alador’s vote, as well as mine...            

Al: I’m voting with them, Odalia.            

Everyone else turns to look at him, wide eyed.            

Al: Look, I’m not ecstatic about this or anything. But at the end of day if Edric is taking half the load off my shoulders then I’ll have the more time in my workshop. And away from them. Odalia, don’t look at me like that, I told you the other day I was wanting us to develop magic powered air fryers. Now I’ll have the time for that. We can tap onto more markets this way, more money.            

Od: ... You’re sleeping on the couch tonight.            

Al: *sighs* How about Mittens, what will she do now?            

Am: Librarian. That’ll be my new job title.            

Al: We have no use for a librarian, Amity. You know that, don’t you?            

Am: I know. I’m not working here anymore. Gary had been telling me for some time about this internship opening. I start Monday. But don’t go thinking I’ll leave the board. I’m keeping my shares and besides, Ed and Em agreed to keep me as an adviser.            

Od: Oh look at our daughter, Alador. Going all out on that daily grind, making the minimum wage. Are you sure you can handle it, Mittens my dear?            

Am: Well, you paid me in passive aggressive comments and threats so far. I consider minimum wage a raise if anything.            

Od: Whatever you say... In any case. I suppose I’ll now be some sort of glorified secretary then.            

Em: What do you mean, mom?            

Od: Oh, right. You weren’t there at the time. We struck a big contract, big enough so we won’t need to worry about marketing for the foreseeable future.            

Em: What? HOW?            

Al: That uhh... That kid, what’s his name again? The new head of the Emperor’s coven. He came in after the sales ended, said we should go around building Frankenstein mercenaries, and that the Emperor would be buying all of our Thanos thingies aaand on top of that the state would fund all our future research.            

Ed and Em: Oh... Oh... Ohh Titan... Didn’t he get ahold of Eda’s portal? Mittens, we have to tell Luz.            

Am: *chuckles* Yeah, good luck with that, Emperor.            

Ed: I... Are you okay? Shouldn’t you be worried?            

Am: Eh... I mean... First things first. Yeah, I know he’s building an army to invade the human realm and yeah, I know we’ll be supplying the weaponry and that I should probably give Luz a heads up. But, you know. That’s pretty stupid of him when you think about it.            

Ed: What?            

Am: I mean, think about it. He is getting a supplier that he knows, for a fact, has a positive connection to his enemies. Meaning it would be in our interest - especially mine, you know, the other Blight with Abomination know how and the one closest to the one human living in the Boiling Isles, as proven today - to put some back doors in all the tech we’ll be selling them. Moreover... Sure humans don’t have magic but they make up for it in other ways. Luz was telling me about her realm the other day and... Well... Let me put it this way: we are not humans, meaning we are not covered by the Geneva convention. Best case scenario once Bellos opens the portal we, not them, become a colony. And humans don’t make a habit of treating their colonies with any decency. So, you know... Anyway. Worst case scenario, they’ll just start pumping napalm, anthrax, mustard gas, and all sorts of fun stuff chemical and biological weapons through the portal. Meaning we’ll die. Painfully. Heck, they can even make good on their anti-nuclear proliferation treaties and just throw it all here and make it go boom. Trust me, that alone will be enough to finish sinking the Titan.            

All the other four Blights look at her wide eyed.            

Am: Eh... But you know, I’ll go and tell Luz and Eda. Fir witchkind’s sake or whatever. So... See you guys later.            

Od: *shaking the shock away from her head* Oh... Quite a hurry to go and see Luz, aren’t we Mittens? *a sly smile forming* I’m sorry... I meant YOUR Luz.            

Ed and Em: Oh yeah, I forgot about that. Damn, missed the joke.            

Al just nods in agreement.            

Am: What are you people talking about?            

Od: Oh, it’s nothing really Mittens, my dear child. It’s just that, you seem to be rather attached to her, aren’t you? In a very weird way, but still.            

Am: Weird? Weird how? You’re talking non-sense.            

Ed: No, Mittens, the lady has a point. I don’t get your thought process tonight either.            

Am: I have no idea what...            

Ed: No, seriously. I mean, no need to beat around the bush here: you have a gargantuan crush on her. That’s plenty obvious to everyone here.            

Am: *blushing* No comments.            

Ed: Whatever, I’ll take that to mean you do. So, you see your crush up on the stage. She’s fighting dad’s Thanos thingy. Which, might I add, was being controlled by him. Seriously, what the hell, dude? Is this a way to meet your potential daughter-in-law? Anyway. She’s potentially in mortal danger. And your first thought is: I’m gonna woo her.            

Am: That’s... not what I thought...            

Em: Yeah, Mittens. Sure. That’s why the first you did was to turn around and start climbing the ladders.            

Am: I... They were fighting up there, I wanted to get to close quarters.            

Em: Nope. Not buying it.            

Ed: We were watching it all unfold Mittens, you started climbing the ladders before, long before, they were up there.            

Am: But... the crowd.            

Ed: Dispersed pretty quickly, and knowing Abomination magic, as you do, you definitely knew Thanos would have that effect.            

Am: I... But... I wanted to fight close quarters... and I wanted... the higher ground.            

Em: So... You are up in the pipes, and by then Luz and Thanos are already back in ground level. So you position yourself in the spot with the best lighting and a means for you to quickly climb down - I swear, I’m certain I saw you double checking to make sure you were positioned just right. Then you take your sweet time pulling your hood back up. And finally, then and only then, you go to Luz’s rescue by using your magic. And you do that before you climb down, meaning your magic has enough range, as we’ve all always known, to be effective without the close  quarters or the higher.            

Ed: Come on, Mittens. Just admit it. You wanted to do a super-hero landing in front of your crush. Come on...            

Am: I... Do you think it worked?            

Everyone, expect for Amity, looks at Alador.            

Al: I dunno, why are you asking me?            

Ed: Because somehow out of all of us you’re the one most likely to pick up that sort of stuff.            

Al: Right, and I’m also the one least likely to care.            

Am: I’M YOUR DAUGHTER.            

Em: *taking a deep breath* Okay, lets pause for a second here. Ed, Mittens. Pat yourselves on the back. Come on, do it. Look, I’ll do it too. *begins  patting her own back in tandem with her siblings’ more tentative display*            

Am: Em... Why are we doing this?            

Em: For not succumbing to drugs and alcohol (shrewd ad campaigns on Twitter aside). *Edric and Amity begin patting their backs more enthusiastically, Emira turns to their parents* You know, you two. You should pat yourselves on the back as well. I mean, sure, we’ll need years of therapy to undo all the damage the emotional neglect the both of you show us has caused so far, but no one can say we don’t get plenty of variety.            

Al: Are you done being passive aggressive, Emira?            

Em: What can I say? I’ve learned from the best. *looks at Odalia, who just rolls her eyes*            

Al: *sighing* As for your previous question. The human seemed to be blushing as well. So my best guess is that Amity’s little... spectacle... did work.            

Od: See? And you dare say it was a bad idea to put her on marketing.            

Am: That’s because I had a reason to care when I was doing all that.            

Od: Ohh right, then what do you suggest I had done to make you care about our, emphasis on our, business.            

Am, Ed and Em in unison: Pay us for our labor.            

Am: I mean, seriously. You guys built a whole business model around Abominations: a.k.a. free labor. Sure you could afford to pay us, a.k.a. self aware creatures that are not (and I’ve checked this) Abominations, something.            

Ed: So... again to recap the day. Mom and dad lost their company, Bellos shot himself square in the foot. Hell, even this new coven head pretty much proved his lack of intelligence gathering competence by doing business with us. Today was a failure on every front. Even Luz when you think about it.            

Em: Luz?            

Ed: Yeah... She trusted... her *points at Odalia*.            

Em: Ohh...            

Od: HEY! I’m still your mother.            

Em: Nominally, maybe. Jury still out on that one. Anyway, that reminds me. I want all our financial books for the past five years i my desk, formerly yours, in two days.            

Am: I think my day was pretty successful. I have reason to believe my crush likes me back and I’ll know what a healthy professional and financial life looks like for the first in these 14 groolling and long years of existence. So things are looking up for me. Anyway... Are we done here?            

Am: I guess so, why?            

Am: Cool. Gonna head out.            

Em: Oh, going to let your Luz know of the Emperor’s plan and bask in her presence.            

Am: Emira, I swear in the Titan’s name that if you ever address her like that in front of her they will never find your body. But yes, that’s the gist of it.            

Em: Fine. Actually, wait up. Lilith is living there now isn’t she? I wanted to talk to her.            

Am: Lilith as in Lilith Clawthorne? Eda’s sister? Former head of the Emperor’s Coven? My former mentor? That Lilith?            

Em: Yup.            

Am: Why, pray tell, do you want to talk to her?            

Em: Wanted to hire her. We need a new accountant.            

Am: And you thought of her because...?            

Em: Lack of options?            

Am: I... You know what, fair enough.            

Ed: Hold up. I’m coming with. I don’t like being around them *points at Odalia and Alador*.            

Am: Sure.            

They leaving. Only Odalia and Alador are left in the room.            

Al: Wow.            

Od: I know.            

Al: Just... wow...            

Od: I know.            

Al: I don’t know how to process any of this. It happened all so fast.            

Od: I know.            

Al: Like... no sense of pacing at all.            

Od: I know, Alador. Titan do I know.            

Al: Almost as if everyone’s words were being written by an extra-dimentional entity that reaaally wanted to rant but didn’t want to put out their opinions in a more reasonable manner, and wasn’t even remotely concerned with making it sound like a normal conversation.            

Od: I know.            

Al: Anyway. We failed as people, didn’t we?            

Od: *sighing* I know.            

[gayenerd]

An interview with music journalist Paul Zollo. I believe this is from 2000. I’m a sucker for Billie Joe talking about his songwriting process.

By PAUL ZOLLO

SEVEN STORIES ABOVE THE SUNSET STRIP in Hollywood is the Chateau Marmont, an old hotel rife with the ghosts and scandals of Hollywood’s recent and not-so-recent past. Famous for the elegant, old-world discretion it affords all its guests, for decades it’s been a safe harbor for stars seeking to circumvent the squall of media surveillance. It’s where John Belushi died, sadly, back in bungalow three, and where Jim Morrison wrecked his back by swinging Tarzan-like from the roof, using a drain pipe as a vine. Every star, it seems, from Chaplin and Bogart to Dylan and Lennon have hidden out here while in Hollywood. “If you must get in trouble, do it at the Chateau Marmont,” Harry Cohn, the first boss of Columbia Studios, once told William Holden.

So it’s an appropriate setting for Billie Joe Armstrong, the lead singer, songwriter and guitarist of Green Day, to be holding court. Armstrong and the band are no strangers to scandal – they’re the ones who started a mudfight that bordered on insurrection at Woodstock II; they’ve been outspoken about their fondness for drugs and alcohol; they’ve been especially harsh in their expressions of scorn for many other bands; and they’ve frequently “redecorated” hotel suites, bars and Tower Records stores alike with a flair for creative demolition that brings to mind the heady decadence of the Doors and others.

           In fact, parallels between Armstrong and Jim Morrison abound. Like the leader of the Doors, Billie Joe is the creative catalyst of his group, but only writes within the fold of his fellow musicians. Like Morrison, Armstrong has been known to walk on the razor’s edge of life, bringing an authentic, expansive passion to every song he sings. He’s also been known to match his inclination to strip his soul bare in song by taking off his clothes in concert. The difference is that when Jim Morrison did it, all hell broke loose, the country was shocked and the singer was arrested. But when Billie Joe does it, he gets acknowledged on the MTV news, Kurt Loder smirks, and that’s about that. Being shocking these days is just not like it used to be.

‘It’s something unpredictable,

But in the end is right

I hope you had the time of your life.”

From “Good Riddance (Time Of Your Life)”

By GREEN DAY

           Few things seemed more unpredictable than the thought that Green Day would have a Number One hit with a pretty ballad of all things. Even more unlikely would be that the song, officially entitled “Good Riddance” but better known as “Time Of Your Life,” would become as ubiquitous in the American consciousness as the Star Wars theme. Used on “Seinfeld,” two episodes of “E.R.,” and extraneous sporting events (as when Mark MacGuire became the king of baseball’s home-run derby), Green Day’s ballad quickly became more famous than Green Day itself.

           “Good Riddance” now stands alongside Springsteen’s “Born In The USA”, Randy Newman’s “I Love L.A.” and Sting’s “Every Breath You Take,” as one of the nation’s most misappropriated hit singles. Like all of those songs, which are much darker if you examine their core than the mainstream ever seemed to recognize, “Good Riddance” actually comes closer to condemnation than the kind of nostalgic celebration for which it’s been used:

“Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial

For what it’s worth, it was worth all the while

I hope you had the time of your life. “

From “Good Riddance (Time Of Your Life)”

By GREEN DAY

Though Green Day’s presence on the world stage shifted from popular to astronomical because of this song, many of their old fans felt alienated by their secret heroes’ injection into the mainstream. “[`Time of Your Life’] was a drastic change for us to record,” Billie Joe said. “We knew that there were going to be some people that weren’t going to like it because it’s not a 1-2-3-4-Let’s-go-punk-rock tune. Mike [Dirnt] said, `This is a real beautiful song, who cares what people think?’ So we just went for it. Long term thinking, you know. Punk is not just the sound, the music. Punk is a life-style. We’re just as much punk as we used to be.”

           Of course, definitions flow fast and fluid, as purveyors of punk, such as Armstrong, play along the borders of pop. “A lot of punk rock bands are always trying to be so hard all of the time,” he said. “Macho brutality doesn’t necessarily mean you’re a good songwriter. I think that some of the Beatles’ songs are way more punk rock than most punk songs written today. Like the song `Yesterday.’ It’s such a bittersweet song. “

           Billie Joe was born in 1972 and grew up in Rodeo, a little Californian town just outside of Berkeley. His father and uncle were both jazz drummers. “I was a guitarist in a house of drummers,” he said. His father died when he was ten, the same year he met a neighbor named Mike Pritchard who shared his passion for making music. Together they decided to drop out of high school to start a band, which they called Sweet Children. It was a decision Billie’s mother encouraged. “My mom sort of let me do whatever I wanted,” he said. “When I quit school, she thought that was a good idea because I was really ambitious to play. So I started touring when I was seventeen.”

Pritchard changed his name to Mike Dirnt, Tre Cool replaced Al Sobrante as official drummer, and they called themselves Green Day, a Bay-area euphemism for a day spent smoking pot. Their first release was an indie EP called 1000 Hours, after which they signed with Lookout Records to make 39/Smooth and Kerplunk. In 1994 they ascended to the major leagues, signing with Reprise, and released Dookie. They soon  became an MTV mainstay, and their mudstorm performance that year at Woodstock cemented their reputation as a band on the edge. Three more singles followed, as did sales of more than eight million albums worldwide, and a Grammy Award for Best Alternative Music Performance.

           Insomniac was released in the fall of ’95, but instead of going on a European tour as planned to launch it, they elected instead to stay home and write and record more songs. The result was the most popular, and most critically acclaimed album of their career, Nimrod, which included “Time Of Your Life.”

Warning was the new album at the time of this interview, and the impetus for Billie to talk. Inspired by the rich lyricism of Springsteen’s The River and Dylan’s Bringing It All Back Home, Green Day went away for a while to write and play the songs before recording them. It’s their first self-produced and most sonically adventurous album to date, blending layers of acoustic guitars in with the electrics, and with some unexpected detours, such as the German beer-hall stomp of “Misery,” and the Clash-meets-Kinks pop-punk of the title song.

“Caution police sign you’d better not cross

Is the cop or am I the one that’s really dangerous?

Sanitation expiration date question everything

Or shut up and be a victim of authority

Warning, live without warning…”

From “Warning”

By GREEN DAY

Today Billie Joe is ensconced within an overstuffed burgundy couch in his hotel suite. Although he’s drinking coffee from china cups, and eating fresh fruit and croissants from a silver tray, he’s remained loyal to the punk lifestyle, and is wearing a black t-shirt and baggy jeans. Prior to our talk, rather than linger in the luxury of his suite, he ducked down into the hotel’s bleak back stairway for a cigarette. Though he’s undeniably a star of the first degree, he’s uncomfortable with such designations, and shuns all the trappings of stardom. As opposed to the Ferraris and Lamborghinis driven by his peers, an old Ford Fairlane remains his vehicle of choice. He did admit to one extravagance, however, which he revealed somewhat sheepishly. “As soon as I could afford it,” he confessed, “I went out and had it primered.”

BLUERAILROAD: You write all the songs together in the band. Do you start songs on your own and bring them in?

BILLIE JOE ARMSTRONG: Yeah, sometimes. I’ll come up with the song with the chord changes and the lyrics, and then I bring them into practice, and then we sort of restructure them together. I like to come in with a tune. I’ll just play guitar and sing it for them, and then we start to learn it. And as soon as we start to learn it, we can make changes and come up with a different structure. Move the chorus around, make the verse a little longer. That kind of thing. I definitely like to think of it as a collaboration between the three of us.

           Do you always change the songs?

Well, we have a lot of songs. There have been some that I have brought in and nothing really needs to be done. Sometimes I’ll suggest a part that needs to be worked with, and we’ll try some different things. And then they’ll write their bass-lines and drum parts around it.

           Do you ever have a problem sharing credit on songs you wrote alone?

Well, we’re a band. We’ve been able to stick through a lot of years because the three of us support each other. The songs come from Green Day, and I like to stick by that. We like to just keep things equal in the band, and I think it’s what has made our band healthy over the years. We give each other respect. There is no one who stands out more than the other one in this group. Especially since we’ve known each other for so long.

           These days do you write on electric guitar?

No, on acoustic. I have a Silverine Harmony. But it sounds good. I just have it around the house, so I’ve written most of the songs on it.

           Do those songs then shift a lot when you bring them to the band, and play them on electric?

No, because I always have it in the back of my head about the dynamics of electric guitar and drums and bass. Between me and Mike and Tre, I always have that dynamic in my head – what am I going to bring to the table that they’re going to be able to play, and which will have our certain energy. I always keep our energy and our music in mind, sort of subconsciously. But I think that’s the beauty of this. That not only can I play these songs with a band at full volume, but also that I can play them on a cheap, acoustic guitar. And it can have the same kind of impact.

           “Warning” would work that way.

Yeah, it does. That kind of came all together at the same time. I think lyrics on this record were really important to me, and to have a well-rounded record as far as what kind of topics I wanted to write about, and sing about. That was one of those songs that seemed to just write itself. It just came really naturally.

           Is that unusual for you, the feeling that a song writes itself?

Well, I try to go for inspired moments. But if I want to write a song that sounds like it has a pop kind of edge to it, I really want to be able to say something. I have to say something – it’s vital for me. I can’t just write something that would be sugar-coated, and have a pop song with nice lyrics that go along with what everyone is doing on the radio these days. It’s very important for me to have a message that goes along with the writing. So, you know, what comes to mind for me is a song like “The Ballad of John & Yoko,” where [Lennon] had this really nice sounding song. But the lyrics penetrate like a knife. “They’re gonna crucify me…” That’s kind of nice way — nice, I mean, in an oxymoronic sense – to put forward something you want to attack.

           You’ve done that in many songs.

Yeah, I think it adds a sort of demented side a little bit, sort of like a clown in a circus. But it also makes the lyrics a lot stronger. If you take a band like Rage Against The Machine, the music is aggressive, and the lyrics are aggressive at the same time. And I love Rage Against The Machine, but sometimes it feels like you getting bombarded by someone’s else’s point of view. The person is not telling you to think, but what to think. And that’s one thing that I really wanted to come across in the music and the lyrics. To think about the world around you, and not what to think, so to speak. And at the same time, to have my opinions coming through at the same time.

           Are you always clear about the meaning of a song while writing?

No. That’s hard. I mean, sometimes I’ll have things in the back of my head that I want to write about. But I never want to come across as pretentious or preachy. So I just wait for my thoughts to settle. To a certain extent, you have to be a little self-righteous and I think it’s healthy. Especially when, nowadays, there’s so much stuff that is about decadence. And when it comes to rebellion, a guy who has a Rolex watch and is driving around in a Porsche, talking about that he really wants something to break, I don’t really think of that as rebellion, I think of that just as a decadent rock star.

           Do you have any kind of routine for songwriting?

Last record I was just sort of pounding songs. Anytime I had any inkling of an idea of anything at all, I would just grab my guitar and play it and work on it no matter what the song was like. Whether it was inspired or I just got drunk and started playing. But this time I waited for inspired moments. And I think it took me a long time just because of that. I wanted everything to sound refreshing, and something that would make you want to turn it up a little more.

           Did you have times when you tried to work and nothing would come?

Oh yeah. You get frustrated. You feel, “Man, I just want to write a fucking song.” And sometimes it’s just not there. And you can’t dwell on that when that happens. You have to just let it go.

I don’t ever want to try to outdo myself. I feel like if you try to outdo yourself from the last thing, instead of just working on your inspiration, I think the music kind of suffers a little bit, sometimes. Sometimes I’ll just get a very general idea about the kind of song I want to write. And I’ll just sort of store it in the back of my mind and see what comes out. It can come out in five minutes, it can come out in five days, five years, five decades.

           Are there songs you worked on for years?

Yeah. “Longview” was one that we worked on for years. We knew what we wanted to write about. I told Mike to write a bass line and one day I came home. This is when we lived in the same house. He had just dropped some acid (laughs) and he said, “Listen to this.” And I said, “Okay, I guess it sounds good.” He came up with this bass line that really worked well, so we ended up practicing and came up with the song.

           Are there many songs you start that you don’t finish?

Yes. And I’ll just wait for the right time and the right place for it. There are some songs I finish but then I think it’s not right for the record we’re working on. There’s a couple of songs like that off of Nimrod. “Time of My Life” had been written a couple of years before.

           That song resounded in enormously with the public. Was it just a fluke, or did you sit down with the intention of writing that kind of song?

Both. I think that anyone can sit down and write a song. Whether or not it’s any good is another thing altogether. You know, there’s no school you can go to that will help you learn how to become a songwriter. But you can sit down and do it. Especially with rock & roll. But to put something down that is actually really great, it does go beyond you a little bit, and sometimes it takes patience.

           Do you write all the time?

Yeah. Whether it’s good or bad, I don’t know. Or if it’s appropriate for what kind of idea or sound that we want to get across on the record.

           Where do you think the great songs come from?

I don’t know. I really don’t. It comes from somewhere deep down inside of you that you didn’t even know existed. It’s kind of like seeing a shrink or something. (Laughs) There can be a lot of anger, or sadness, or joy, that you had but you didn’t even know you really had – but it can all come out. You feel a connection with it, and so other people can, too. You strike a nerve.

           Does songwriting get easier the more you do it?

I think so. I think you definitely learn more as you go. I think you find new ways to motivate yourself. You test yourself a little bit more and see what comes about. And you challenge yourself in new ways to see what comes out. You learn new ways to get the engines going. But whether or not it does get easier, it’s what I do. And I love doing it.

[nostalgicgeminiii]

astrology & upcoming changes in hollywood 🎬

While reading about the Writers Guild of America (WGA) strike of ‘07/08, I took time to check out the astrology of that time and was pleasantly surprised how the transits supported and illustrated the strike. 

The following post will take a look at the transits that influenced the strike and the Golden Globes’ recent decision to cancel its 2022 awards ceremony in a protest against the HFPA who Netlfix, Amazon have also taken a stance against due to their lack of diversity in their voting members.

                                       Let’s get straight into this shit.

A little background info first : WGA announced a strike on Nov 2 ‘07 and the strike began on Nov 5th, the following Monday in attempt to gain increased funding for their writers which were significantly smaller compared to the profits that larger studios and producers in the country made. The strike was one of the longest for the guild and reportedly, the industry lost $500 million dollars to due productions stopping and forcing networks to show reruns.

The transits of that day (using Nov 5th when the strike actually started) that were most important were 

Saturn in Virgo at 6 degrees - as we know Virgo rules over workers and it’s ruling planet is mercury (writing). The double influence of Virgo with Saturn (limitations + larger organizations) showed there was some restructuring that needed to take place.

On the first day of the strike, Jupiter was transiting Sag at 20 degrees (20 = Scorpio deg = jealously / the writers were upset at the lack of funding they received compared to the other parts of the industry ) and moving towards Pluto which was also in Sag at 27 degrees (27 = Gemini = writing). They would make a conjunction in the sign sometime in mid December of that year. Jupiter and Pluto together ->  brought on a wave of upheaval which left plenty of productions put to a halt, productions that were viewed world wide (sag) and networks had no choice but to show re-runs of shows affected. Obvi, Jupiter expands everything it touches (good or bad) and unfortunately during the period the strike took place, not a lot of common folk realized the extent and depth of the issue.

Additionally, the north node was @ 3 degrees in Pisces (3 = Gemini + writing and Pisces = Neptune = film industry) was in opposition to Saturn. They felt a need for order in the workplace with Saturn touching the south node transit in Virgo.

And the cherry on top of the sundae, is the moon - venus conjunction in virgo that happened that first morning. 

In the beginning, Saturn was in the opposite sign of both Jupiter and Pluto’s transiting signs and by the time the strike ended, Jupiter and Pluto both went into Capricorn (Saturn's ruling sign) making a trine aka an easy aspect to Saturn in Virgo. The negotiations between the WGA and other party finally were agreed upon and the strike was able to end with rules and legislation (cap) that supported the writers (virgo). Remember Virgo traditionally rules the 6th house of work and its trine to the 10th house of career, public institutions trad. ruled by Capricorn.

As a writer myself, this is a big issue we can face. We watch actors like RDJ and the Rock earn $50 million for one movie and directors cashing in similar profits while the writers who create these stories have a greater chance of getting snubbed. They also are not really the face of the industry as that role is given to the prominent actors and filmmakers. Writers and other professionals in the industry are often forgotten and not visibly recognized. 

TL:DR /// All that Virgo energy came in and said nah we want some order in this shit 

                                                Now, the recent shit.

Early 2021, saw The Hollywood Foreign Press Association (HFPA) came under repeated backlash and fire for the lack of diversity in their members and for an email sent by a now - former member of the HFPA that called the BLM movement a “racist hate movement”, to other members. In addition to other actions that were made by this former member ( I rlly wanna call him an ass***), they tried to take action by promising a reform that would bring in inclusive policies and more members of colour specifically black voting members. However, groups like NBC, Netflix, Amazon, WarnerMedia and others made arguments that the proposed changes were not enough to tackle the inclusion challenges in the industry AND it would not be completed soon enough to reflect in the 2022 GG broadcast. The HFPA ultimately decided to cancel the 2022 Golden Globes Ceremony and made this statement:

"change of this magnitude takes time and work, and we feel strongly that the HFPA needs time to do it right"

The HFPA made this history making decision on May 10 ‘21

This acc happened a day before the new moon in Taurus went exact. (note: the moon was in Taurus on this day as well) New moons represent new beginnings and Taurus is associated with - slow & steady. As a result of the arguments and concerns that were brought forward, the change that the HFPA thought was appropriate was actually going to take longer than they believed. Look back at the above quote [ needs time to do it right ] That’s very much Taurus new moon energy right there.

Saturn was transiting Aquarius at 13 degrees. 13 - Aries (first) aqua (groups of ppl specifically marginalized communities) This was the first taste of karmic actions that organizations such as the HFPA have to fix and correct to include equality and inclusion of less represented individuals in an industry that has incredibly dense roots in whiteness and patriarchy. This was the first time that an awards show was cancelled to address this issue.

Jupiter was transiting the final degree of Aquarius (29 deg = Leo) and with Jupiter representing opportunities, this was symbolic of black people (aqua = different/ marginalized groups) getting the chance to be equally represented in the entertainment (leo) industry. 

Coincidentally, on both the dates of the HFPA announcement and the WGA strike, mars was in its detriment sign - Cancer - This transit could bring about strikes and fighting with groups of a close belonging. Take a look at the writers on strike. They were a close knit group of ppl (aka family) within their industry or community who helped defend each other and defend against limitations (Capricorn/Saturn) that threatened their livelihood and security (cancer).

I have an additional interpretation of the mars in cancer transit however (idc if ppl get mad) SOOO imo and from what I’ve read, white ppl are ruled by the moon/cancer and the book of rulership suggests that black ppl are ruled by Capricorn/Saturn. Now when mars was in cancer in 2007, Pluto was in sag which is inconjunct from the sign mars was in (cancer). Sag = other cultures, international -------- The conflict affected not only the country that the strike took place in but many parts of the world that consumed American media. Note: this was also media that majorly represented white Americans (ruled by cancer). Now fast forward to 2021: Pluto has been in Capricorn since ‘08 - a time which marked a visible rise of black achievement in the US (Obama becoming president, black voices being given bigger platforms and so much more) and heavy discussions and protests revolving around the growing violence and systemic oppression against African Americans (BLM, Trayvon Martin) Capricorn is opposite to Cancer so with the recent mars in cancer transit that was opposing pluto in cap we saw actions that needed to be taken to bring about change and mars in cancer moves slow to make those changes and really only makes changes and takes action based on comfort and now  with pluto in its opposite sign being like “cmon bitch move yo ass” changes are finally slowly coming together. Pluto defo destroys and rebuilds but leaves what needs to be kept.

My take on what could happen as Pluto leaves Capricorn and enters Aquarius, we could see the film industry being left and cared for by the general masses. Pluto in Leo brought the control of the industry to a select few and the nepotism in the industry that exists today was fortified. We could really start to see everyday ppl, really different ppl outside of the “norm” brought to prominence. Neptune’ future transit into Aries will help strength this change. (aries = first). I’ll make another post in the future talking about what I think Pluto and Neptune’s transit into aqua and aries will possibly bring 🚗

[midnightactual]

@mysteriousshopkeeper submitted:

“Yoruichi-san! I’m glad I caught you. I… thought you might be on a beach somewhere by now, since you just hosted a significant holiday party. In any case…” His fingers were idly tapping on something clasped between them as a subtle change came over his demeanor, like curtains being drawn open. “There are some… things I’ve been meaning to say. And considering my track record… I thought it best to let someone else say them.” His hands moved forward, and before she could object, he’d captured one of hers and pressed his gift into it.

Once she’d unwrapped it, she’d find herself holding a vintage, authentic Sony Walkman WM-D6C, in perfect working order, pre-loaded with a cassette – not just any commercial label, no, no – but a genuine, bona fide, old-fashioned mixtape. He’d invested considerable time and effort in selecting songs that suited his sentiments, first building a playlist on Spotify. He hadn’t even known all of them before he started searching, but he certainly did know them when he heard them. A tentative smile encroached on his lips. “At first it didn’t have tangible form, but as you can imagine, it proved difficult to wrap, so… I made this.”

The exercise had presented him with a delicate balance to maintain. His relationship with Yoruichi was… complicated. Lately, he’d come to the reluctant realization that what he’d been giving her was not what she needed from him, at least not here, not now.  But disillusionment had proven a sticky, time-consuming process. Would-have-beens and could-yet-bes clung like lint to an old sweater; every time he looked, he found more, and some were nearly indistinguishable from the knit. He’d begun the process at the outset of what had become an unexpectedly eventful couple of weeks, but it had been time well-spent; the effort had had a clarifying — and surprisingly calming — effect. Each day was a process of refining and crafting, loosely following a rubric laid out in a movie he’d seen once. As a finishing touch, he’d even added liner notes, just to arrange specific lyrics into a unified narrative. The result was a musical, emotional journey that moved through a spectrum of humor, introspection and encouragement.

Because there was still, at the base of it all, that deep and abiding foundation of their friendship. The pedestals and shrines he’d erected in her honor weren’t serving either of them; it was time for a little iconoclasm, a little restructuring.  Perhaps they could begin afresh and he would, again, be dependably her friend. He was aware that this playlist may not reflect her musical tastes, but it wasn’t so much about winning her heart as revealing his —she’d long deserved that much from him. Besides — at this point, what had he to lose? He’d quit castles in the sky for solid ground.

“Happy birthday, Yoruichi.” His face met hers with a soft, bright smile. “If you go, you’ll have something to take with you. And if my company would be welcome…” And here, the smile grew a bit dubious. “—I’d offer to go with you. I’d even make the arrangements; I could use a change of scene myself. You’d get good massages given on good behavior, with no lip service—” He smirked grimly, realizing how difficult it was for him to suggest without selling. “That is to say, I’d enjoy giving them. Quietly. But should you choose to stay, and celebrate your birthday here with us this year, I wouldn’t min—" Again, he caught himself; his face clouded for an instant, then cleared, transparent and a bit wistful, as he half-turned to make his graceful exit. “Rather, I would very much like that.”

Liner Notes

Listen on Spotify!

We Go Together / David Tennant & Catherine Tate - Lyrics We go together like the news and the weather / We fit like hand in glove! It’s All Been Done / Barenaked Ladies - Lyrics And if I put my fingers here, and if I say / “I love you, dear” / And if I play the same three chords, / Will you just yawn and say ‘I’m bored’ / It’s all been done Partners in Crime / Arkarna - Lyrics  As I feel, we are, we must go on, I will stand, with you, forever / Ever more / But without you it’s a bore, It’s no fun breaking the law / Anymore, anymore, my partner in crime True Colors / Justin Timberlake & Anna Kendrick - Lyrics Show me a smile then / Don’t be unhappy, can’t remember / When I last saw you laughing / If this world makes you crazy / And you’ve taken all you can bear / You call me up / Because you know I’ll be there Paradise Valley / Honey and the Sting - Lyrics  Take what you want from me / I bring it willingly / The paradise valley  Got Your Back / Mike Taylor - Lyrics If you need a friend to party - I got your back / If you wanna get naughty - I got your back / Just tell me where to hide the body - I got your back

Somewhere Only We Know / Keane - Lyrics And if you have a minute why don’t we go / Talk about it somewhere only we know? / This could be the end of everything / So why don’t we go / Somewhere only we know?  We Belong / Pat Benatar - Lyrics We belong to the light / We belong to the thunder / We belong to the sound of the words / We’ve both fallen under / Whatever we deny or embrace / For worse or for better / We belong, we belong / We belong together

I Won’t Give Up / Jason Mraz - Lyrics And in the end, you’re still my friend at least we did intend / For us to work we didn’t break, we didn’t burn / We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in / I had to learn what I’ve got, and what I’m not / And who I am  Clear the Area / Imogen Heap - Lyrics You find your way back down. / And I’ll keep the area clear…please clear the area. /  When you find your way back down…in one piece / Then I’ll just be waiting here…right here. / Slowly…darling…nobody means any more to me than you. Fortress Around Your Heart / Sting - Lyrics And if I’ve built this fortress around your heart / Encircled you in trenches and barbed wire / Then let me build a bridge / For I cannot fill the chasm / And let me set the battlements on fire

Undercover / Pete Yorn - Lyrics And we held and we tried / There was hardly lust between us / I will love you / I won’t let go / ‘Cause we are one inside these walls / Undercover

Black Heart Inertia / Incubus - Lyrics You’re a mountain that I’d like to climb / Not to conquer, but to share in the view / You’re a bonfire and I’m gathered ‘round you / Set this old black heart inertia aflame Invincible / Muse - Lyrics ‘Cause there’s no one like you in the universe / Don’t be afraid / What your mind conceives / You should make a stand / Stand up for what you believe / And tonight / We can truly say / Together we’re invincible

Yoruichi was actually a bit surprised when her hand was taken and the classic piece of audio kit was pressed into it, not having expected such a forward approach. For want of any other recourse—it was her birthday, and it was a gift, apparently given very sincerely considering his affect… what else could she do but take it?—she willingly grasped the Walkman and heard him out.

She was in for another surprise at how little he had to say, comparatively. Sure, some of the usual banter and salesmanship eventually filtered in, but the facade was cracked and the underlying sincerity streamed through the act like sunlight through mist, burning it off right before her very eyes. It was striking, and she stared at the spectacle of it, growing increasingly uncertain.

And then, just like that he… left? She was sufficiently taken aback by what he’d said—and how he’d said it—that she hadn’t yet had time to formulate a reply when he was turning and departing. Her mouth opened, but no sounds came out of it, and by the time she thought of something to say—even just, ‘Wait’—he was gone.

She stared after him for long seconds before shutting her mouth and looking at the Walkman that’d been handed to her. She considered it for several moments more before going to a closet drawer. She already owned a pair of vintage Walkman headphones with orange foam earpieces; they seemed the most appropriate thing to use to listen, and listening seemed to be the only thing to do.

Considering both components, she put the headset on, plugged it in, and clicked play. There was a delightfully mechanistic moment as the button sank in, giving that chunky, electromechanical experience you simply couldn’t get with fully digital electronics. It made her nostalgic as the first song began, and she listened, at first just standing where she was. The first song was a bit cornball, and she wondered if the whole mixtape would be that way, eventually sitting on the edge of her bed. But by the third song she was up and pacing about as she listened, a pit growing in her stomach.

By the seventh, she had retreated from her bedroom entirely, going to her bathroom almost on autopilot. Some part of her knew it was even farther away from scrutiny—harder to reach, harder to be heard from, even if her rooms and the building itself were very well soundproofed. Some other part of her felt almost ill. And then there were her eyes.

Crying had never been acceptable. That had been made abundantly clear to her from the very beginning. She didn’t cry. She hadn’t since she’d been a toddler. She’d watched her kōhai have a breakdown without crying. She’d torn off her own arm without crying. She’d cradled her little brother after he’d been shot through the heart three times without crying. As she leaned on the wall beside the tub, she almost didn’t recognize the pressure around her eyes. Her motions were automatic, and she clambered into the dry basin while she fought to keep herself under control. Things started getting blurry as a titanic clash raged within her.

Yet the music kept going, and she refused to stop it. Trembling with held in sounds, she finally punched the stone tiles before her. The strike wasn’t very hard by her standards, although it pushed her gigai—but it wasn’t enough to even chip the rock. Her arm stayed extended and she ground her knuckles into the rough surface, before retracting and striking again. And again. And again and again and again, until the stone was smeared with her blood and her hand throbbed and ached in protest.

The pain wasn’t enough. It wasn’t enough to compete with what was already filling her, and she gasped as it became overwhelming, hot tears spilling down her cheeks as she lost and it became entirely impossible to see. Her sobs were silent at first, wracking her whole body, before she smacked the bottoms of both fists against the wall, leaning forward to put her forehead on it as she finally let out a noise, something between a growl and a low wail.

She beat against that wall ineffectually, clenching her jaw as she still tried to keep it all in, trying to refuse this, but it was no use. ‘Volatile’ was wholly inadequate to describe the mixture of emotions flowing through her—it was a hypergolic cocktail that was already ablaze and demanded venting. And so, finally, she tipped her head back and screamed. Agony. Frustration. Despair. Self-loathing. Rage. Sorrow. Regret. It had all built and built, not just lately but for far, far longer, and she had no choice but to let out all the fruits of her failures at once now, like some kind of ravening nuclear death beam rendered in sound.

What her reiatsu did in response, she had no idea and no care to know. Presumably the gigai kicked in to contain it, but she was caught up in the maelstrom, a billion light years away from such concerns. She cried out and pounded at the wall until there was nothing left, until she was hoarse, until she was empty, until she was panting from the intensity of the chemicals unleashed, until her tears carried away enough of their torrent that she could breathe.

Spent and dazed, she slumped back, then outright toppled back against an edge of the tub, sinking down and shivering. Still, the music played, and it drew her back to the moment. She could think of doing nothing but flopping onto one side and curling up in a fetal position, desperately hugging herself and simply trying to be small, wishing to just disappear entirely. She stayed that way for a long time.

[nellie-elizabeth]

Modern Family: Finale (11x17/18)

My eyes are totally dry, and I'm betting the show-runners wanted me to be crying. I didn't hate this finale. Hating it would require me to feel deep emotions, and I... don't.

Cons:

Gosh, I don't know, watching this hour-long finale just got me thinking about how I would have restructured this season. Turns out, Cam and Mitchell are moving to Missouri after all. Okay, cool. Why cram that in to the finale and not let it build over several episodes? Same with all three Dunphy kids suddenly moving out of the house. This finale introduced the idea that Alex had moved back in because she took a lower-paying job, then set up how chaotic the house is with so many people, and then had everyone start leaving. Why has this not been going on for multiple episodes? Why was Alex once again so underutilized all season, only to be crammed in to these final minutes like this?

Some of the characters' endings felt technically thematically appropriate, but also out of the blue at the same time. Luke got into college and is moving to Oregon. Cool? If only I could have been on the journey with him, as he submitted applications, as he made decisions about where he wanted to end up. Instead, this feels completely out of nowhere. Manny is taking a big trip to see the world. That feels appropriate for him because of how sheltered he has become, but it's also sort of a lesson we already learned with his character.

This is a finale, and so of course there is some expected cheesiness to contend with, and I'm okay with that. But there were some moments that felt very forced, like giving Phil and Jay one last awkward father/son-in-law moment where Phil embarrasses himself and then Jay ends up being compassionate and reaffirming their love for each other. I get it. We've been here before.

Oh also, we find out in this episode that Jay has been learning Spanish secretly for Gloria, to surprise her. I absolutely despise this weird trope in sitcoms. I know learning another language is hard, but if you marry someone who has a different native language than you, you buckle down and you become passably conversational, if nothing else. Jeez, am I supposed to pat Jay on the back for doing something he should have done literal decades ago?

I guess at the end of the day I'm supposed to feel sentimental about the idea of the whole family parting ways and going off to start their new adventures. And it's not like I felt nothing, it's just... this felt like the same sort of lackluster, perfectly adequate but not all that funny material that we've been enduring for the past several seasons. This show really ran out of steam by the end, and even the energy of a finale couldn't really give it the fuel it needed for a triumphant end.

Pros:

As I said, though, there was plenty here to enjoy, and there's sort of an automatic pleasantness that comes from lingering one last time on characters we've all known for so long. To start with, while Jay and Gloria have never been my favorite couple on the show, I did like the idea of Jay affirming that it's his turn to stay at home and take care of things while Gloria pursues her career. I wish it wasn't the kind of thing where we had to feel proud of Jay for offering, but at the same time, it's true that he went off to work and left Gloria at home for a long time, so it's nice that he recognizes that and wants to do his part.

The most emotionally effective relationship stuff in this finale was definitely with the Dunphy crew. I liked Alex, Haley, and Luke having a sibling story-line, where Alex and Haley mess with Luke one final time, but it leads to them all hugging on the couch and vowing to stay close. I've got two sisters, so that kind of stuff always gets to me. And we haven't seen these three doing a lot of chaotic sibling stuff since they've been adults with their own story arcs, so it was nice to have that return.

And Phil and Claire... they really are one of my favorite sitcom spouse duos. They're wacky and over-the-top, but there's a bedrock of real love and support there, that feels true to life, in a way that I don't think the other couples on this show manage to pull off. As they contemplate becoming empty-nesters for the first time, I really can picture them continuing on with their lives, going on new adventures, dealing with family drama as always. They feel real to me, in a way that lasts beyond the format of the show. That's mostly props to the actors, honestly.

My favorite comedy moment was honestly when Cam tried to have a meaningful goodbye with Gloria and talk about their powerful bond over the years, and Gloria was like "what are you talking about, we've been alone maybe eight times" or something like that. Honestly, I like Cam and Gloria's relationship, but even more I liked the acknowledgment that not every relationship in an extended family is going to be a super special deep bond that needs to be talked about with such flowing language.

Ultimately, while I wish there had been more of a build-up, I do like the fact that Cam, Mitchell, Lily, and the new baby are moving after all. It's appropriate to end a show like this with a big change, and just the Dunphy kids moving out, or just Manny going on a trip, wouldn't have felt like a big enough status quo shift.

So that's how we leave the family. This wasn't a great finale. It's not one of those finales I'll think back on fondly, but it's also not one of those disastrous ones that ruin everything that came before, so I should be grateful for that!

For this finale, I'll give a score of...

7/10

For the show as a whole, I can give slightly higher marks. These last few seasons have definitely been weak. There have been some troubling aspects throughout, some jokes that didn't hit the mark. But I did like the clever comedy, the quick pacing, and the genuine connections between these characters. I don't think I'll really miss this show, but I'm still glad I had it while I did.

8/10

[thedistantstorm]

The Offer

Steelponcho (Zavala x Hawthorne) | Pre-relationship | The Farm | The Red War | Zavala trying to con Suraya into staying after the war | Suraya is a hot commodity | Devrim just trying to drink his tea while it’s hot

Suraya Hawthorne is a quiet woman unless provoked or angry.

Her focus - when the topic is one she cares for - is second to none. Her drive and determination: fierce and unbridled. Zavala has come to know this about her during their communal time at the Farm, working together during the most dire time of the war. Armed with this knowledge and countless hours spent watching her shine as the beacon of humanity - the hope they thirsted for in their darkest hour, Zavala knows there is no way he would be able to control the rebuilding and restructuring efforts of reclaiming the City without her or the clan system she’d so lovingly instated.

“Fly this banner wherever you go. Make it the last thing the Legion sees before you put them down.”

Convincing her would be difficult. He started as the plans to infiltrate the Almighty were being coaxed into existence. There was no telling how long - or how short - concocting this plan would be. It could be a day, or it could be months. With most things, he assumed it would be more in the middle. The plan would be easy. The execution? Not nearly so.

“What are your aspirations,” He asks her, reviewing a file penned by a sloppy Titan. He shook his head at it. He was not expecting calligraphy, but legibility was paramount. “When this is all over?”

Her brows furrow, and she stops examining the tiny scuffs and scratches in the blue paint of her rifle. “We haven’t figured out how we’re getting to Ghaul yet. Don’t you think that’s a better use of your time than asking me what I want to be when I grow up?”

The phrase makes him grunt. She knows it as a restrained laugh. Traveler, he needed to let go sometimes. Sometimes she misses them fighting all the time. Not that they didn’t have at least one good blowout a week over some issue that she was (usually) right about.

His azure gaze slides over to her. “Part of being in command means being several steps ahead of your enemies - and your subordinates, Hawthorne.” He turns fully, setting the report down on the old wooden table. His hands fall into their at ease position, tucked behind his back. More directly this time he questions, “What will you do, when the City is ours once more?”

“You mean yours,” She says, meeting his eyes. “I have no claim to the City. My place is out here.” He frowns. She can see the cogs turning in his head. He has some plan, and she’s to be a part of it, apparently.

“Is it, though?” He motions beyond the little, cracked window of the Farmhouse. “I’d reason that your place,” His eyes grow marginally brighter, “Is with your people. Or are you not their leader?”

“I’m what they need right now, sure,” She counters easily, rising to her feet with a marginal widening of eyes and subsequent roll of them for flavor. She steps around him to leave before things get out of hand. “But not what they deserve. Certainly you can do better than me.”

No, he thinks, when she’s gone. She has it all wrong. They do not deserve her, this woman who has no idea of her worth.

-/

The next time he mentions it to her is days later. She is bouncing a small child that fusses and clings to her shirt with tiny hands as it cries. She’s swathed it in her poncho, and he can see the goose-flesh up her arm. It’s not warm out here. The child is barely a year old, she tells him when he sits beside her and tucks his arm behind her back not so much to put an arm around her, but to prevent the cold metal of his armor from touching her bare skin. He does not have the Light to keep him warm like he normally would.

Eventually, the cries die down, and the little one settles. Hawthorne rubs small circles into the child’s back, eventually shifting so that the child rests in the crook of her arm. It looks so natural to him, her maternal instincts crisp and stark against the rest of her personality - she can be nurturing, sure, but this is something different. More personal.

“Do you like children?”

She laughs. An appropriate, but surprising question. He’s insatiably curious. “I certainly have enough of them, between all the Guardians getting into trouble and my scouts,” She gives him a half grin. “But they’re not for me. This one’s cute now, but I’m just watching her until her mother finishes treating some of our wounded. She won’t be cute when she wakes up hungry and I can’t accommodate her, if you know what I mean.”

He hums. It’s not often that he’s so close to a child this small, and Guardians have never - Light or not - been able to produce offspring. Considering the nature of their work, it makes sense.

“You would never-”

She looks at him from the corner of his eye. “Nope.” The pop of the consonant is both soft and loud at the same time. There’s some finality to it. “Can’t raise a kid in the wilds.”

“You could in the City.”

“This is even less smooth than your last attempt,” She admonishes. “What do you even want me in the City for anyway? You fall in love with me or something?” She laughs at his speechless face, jaw almost slack at the accusation.

“I think not,” He grits, not liking the teasing directed his way.

She rocks the child a little to keep her asleep when she shifts and sticks her thumb into her mouth. “Then what are you after?”

He looks ahead, at the tent city. A patchwork quilt of banners and flags, some beautifully crafted, some pieced together haphazardly with whatever was around. “The Clans.”

“There’s no way that all the clans are going to support the Vanguard, Zavala. You’ve said it yourself. There’s way too many conflicting interests.”

Zavala shakes his head. “That isn’t what I mean. The people will not stop associating with their clans when they return to the City, Hawthorne. They need someone to continue guiding them.”

“Didn’t I tell you-”

“That someone is you,” He asserts, interrupting her. “There is no one else better suited to the task.” He gestures to the child. “They trust you. The civilians look to you for hope. The Guardians lean on you for strength. Even I admire your efforts-”

“Whoa, hey, let’s not have a moment here.”

He harrumphs. “What I am saying,” He continues, redirected, “Is that there is a place for you in the City, after the war is over. We would be honored to have you with us.”

She laughs. “Don’t sound so formal about it, it isn’t like we’re ending the war tomorrow.”

“Think about it.”

She sighs. “Will it get you off my back about it?”

“For now,” He relents.

“Fine. I’ll think about it.” The flap of the triage tent opens, and a man exits with a woman in tow. “That was quicker than expected. Let me go hand this one back to her Mother.”

“Promise me.”

She looks back at him. His eyes are earnest. She inhales deep. “I’ll think about it, Zavala. Just don’t want to get your hopes up.”

-/

“Stop looking at me like that. It’s a scratch.”

He looks away under her piercing gaze. He’s furious with himself. “My armor would have held against that spear.” He’s referring to the little band of Fallen foot soldiers they’ve recently dispatched when they’d come a bit too close to the Farm for comfort.

“You need your armor for the final battle. The plans are in place, we have less than a week to prepare. There’s no way we could refab your armor in that amount of time if it didn’t.” She winds the bandage around her arm and ignores the slight burn in her side from where it’d grazed her there, too. It was mostly a burn from the electrical pulse. “Don’t worry about me.”

“It’s hard not to,” He admits quietly.

Her gaze darkens. “You think I’m that incompetent?” The words on her lips are acidic. Her stomach does a sickening flop in her chest.

Zavala’s eyes widen. “No. I didn’t mean it like that,” He asserts hotly. “I did not mean to imply that you are incompetent in the slightest.” His eyes flick to hers. “I worry for you,” He concedes. A simple admission. Unguarded and heavy with implication.

Hawthorne smiles and it’s comparable to a rose in bloom - slow and beautiful. “Then you should understand why I did what I did.” It’s as close to an admission of the same that she’ll allow. She is not open with her emotions - like him, she reflects the will of the people. Underneath all that, buried inside, is what she feels, who she is. He likes to think he sees more of it - more of her - than most.

She ties off the wrap and pins it in place, sliding her poncho over her injury but not tucking her hand in. She drops onto the bench beside the shoddy table and pats the spot next to her. He complies and sits beside her.

“So, the City. What exactly do you want me to do there that I can’t do here?” He looks at her, startled. “What? You asked me to think about it! I’m thinking about it.” She leans against him, bumping him slightly to get his attention away from his surprise. She stays put when he doesn’t budge, scooting closer to put her head against the smaller of his two pauldrons. She feels him freeze through his armor, but she still gets a little bit of sick pleasure from making him uncomfortable. She’s seen his grin and knows he’s the same damn way when it comes to her sometimes. “Talk.”

The Commander does. “It wouldn’t be too much different - aside from the location.” She hums. “Act as a liaison between civilians and Guardians. Keep us all on the same page, working toward the same goals.” He carries on about her day-to-day tasks and wonders, based on how relaxed her body is against his, if the battle earlier has tired her out. It would be his luck, that she acquiesced to his request to consider and then fell asleep in the middle of the only non-evasive discussion they had on the topic.

“And who would I answer to?” She asks, voice plenty alert.

He almost sighs in relief, but pauses. “You wouldn’t be in our command structure. You would be an ambassador for the Vanguard. I’m not sure where that would put you with the Civilians or FOTC, but likely in a similar role. Advising, consulting, mediating, and so on.”

“They’ve asked me to work for them, as well,” She reveals to him. “FOTC. They’re far pushier than you are, though.” This time, when he tenses, she pulls away to get a good look at his face as she speaks. “I told them I had a lot to consider. Which is the truth. They want me to run field operations and provide technical support. ‘I get things done,’ they told me. They also want a hand in the organization and betterment of the Clans. It’s a really good offer.” It’s nice to be appreciated, she thinks.

The sheer disappointment on his face is apparent. He nods. “It seems you have a great deal to think about.” He stands abruptly and leaves her staring after him.

-/

“Tell me how you did it,” Zavala grunts, as Devrim pours tea from a very fragile looking kettle. Outside the Church, the Fallen and Cabal fight on, while the scouts and guardians pick off the survivors on both sides. “I assume you were the one they tasked with recruiting her?”

“Recruitment?” Devrim looks at the Commander, eyes hard, lips pursed. “Ah.” He takes a sip of his tea, cooled to the perfect sipping temperature. “FOTC did say that they planned to  approach Suraya.” He sits across from Zavala on a mostly intact stool, leaving his guest the more sturdy couch. Between them is a table made of splintered wood that looks more like matchsticks than anything structurally succinct.

“They didn’t ask you to recruit her?”

“I didn’t think she’d agree to work for them,” Devrim admits. It’s a bit alarming that this is what brings the Commander to him. He’d expected Zavala to approach him in an attempt to get Suraya under control, not over something like this. “She doesn’t exactly scream diplomacy, now does she?” He says, with a little lilt and the slightest raise of an eyebrow.

“Not quite,” Zavala agrees. They share a small smile.

“Something doesn’t add up though,” The militiaman turned scout says. “Let me see.” It’s a moment or two before Devrim turns to his radio and dials it in. “Bishoff,” He calls over the comms to one of his officer friends, “Did you lot ever approach Suraya?”

The radio crackles with static. “Yeah, we did. She listened to what we had to say, didn’t even get defensive like you said she would.” The radio returns to static as the officer pauses. “We thought we had her.”

Devrim nods. “She turned you down, as I suspected.”

“Yeah,” He laughs, “She did. Not for the reason we thought. Said Zavala convinced her to take a job working for the Vanguard - in a sense, at least. I thought she tolerated him for sake of the war, but you should’ve heard her. Seems she cares quite a bit about what the Commander thinks.”

“You don’t say.” A glance back at the stone-silent Commander was enlightening. Seemed to Devrim that there was a whole lot of concern about what everyone thought, but very little communication about what exactly those thoughts were. “I’ll check in in a few hours.”

“Copy. Stay safe.”

Devrim’s tea is almost lukewarm when he sits down again. “You know she wouldn’t have told them that if she were going to refuse you, yes?” He fixes the Awoken man with a stare. “Commander, I don’t know how you’ve managed to do it. I don’t want to. Suraya obviously cares for you. She-”

“She cannot believe she had to come out this far to track you down! You could have asked me. Or, if you hadn’t stormed away from me the other night, I would have been able to tell you that I turned them down.”

Both men turn and stare at her surprise appearance. “I did not storm away,” He grouses. It’s petulant, especially for him.

“Finish your tea,” Devrim says with a shake of his head. Always a wildcard, his Suraya, popping up where she’s least expected. “It’s not a short ride back to the Farm and I suspect you’ll need some fortification for whatever conversation this is about to be.”

“Jeez, Dev, I’m not going to yell at him that much.” Her eyes rake over Zavala, earthy browns and subtle yellows lit with amusement as she says, “He might fire me before I actually get to accept the job.”

Zavala sighs and scrubs a hand over his face. “As far as I can tell, you have already accepted,” He says, the light of his eyes the only indication that he might be similarly amused if not simply grateful. “And like I told you, I am not your boss. I cannot fire you.”

She laughs. Zavala cannot help the tiny pull of his lips upward in response. Devrim looks between the two of them, nearly incredulously. Both look back at him, confused. “What?” They ask in near-perfect unison.

What an interesting development, the gentleman sniper thinks to himself. Of all the men in the world, this was the one Suraya had chosen to align herself with. She certainly set the bar high. And Zavala, well, Devrim wouldn’t assume to know what the man’s thought process was, but he certainly had interesting - exotic taste. Suraya is one of a kind.

Despite the influx of thought, Devrim smiles, shaking his head. “Nothing. Nothing at all. Go on, battles to fight, wars to win. We’ve wasted enough time, wouldn’t you say?” He’s still shaking his head when he hears the sound of the small ship skittering away. He retrieves his rifle and returns to his post. Smirking, he murmurs, “Their enemies don’t stand a chance.”

[hypeathon]

RWBY - Volume 6, Chapter 5 Production Analysis

Vol 6, Ch 1 Production Analysis 

Vol 6, Ch 2 Production Analysis 

Vol 6, Ch 3 Production Analysis 

Vol 6, Ch 4 Production Analysis 

It can be a bit scary when I’m right on the money about something. The previous production analysis for volume 6 ended on a note pointing out how there were less names in the animation department section of of ending credits of chapter 4 compared to prior episodes. This led me to wonder if either the animators more heavily involved with RWBY would either be working on Gen:Lock at around this point in the volume 6′s production or their time and attention would be spent on a later episode. I am happy to find that it was the latter but also admittedly shocked to find that the “later episode” would be this one.

Before diving into the bit everyone has been losing their minds about, let’s briefly talk about the storyboards and camera layout in the opening scene. Despite having spent time extensively dissecting how Rachel Doda does storyboards and camera layouts in the scenes she’s assigned in the the production analysis for chapter 2, I try to be mindful not to let confirmation bias get the better of me as I’m trying to learn more about the other storyboard and camera layout artists within the show. That being said though, it wouldn’t hurt to least make a conscious presumption that the first sequence had her involvement given the cues and techniques mentioned before. A similarly-presented panning shot and blocking between characters to highlight the reveal of one of them, among other things are signs that Rachel Doda either did the boards or the camera layout for the setup of the scene and probably even the fight itself.

Okay, now to finally address the elephant in the room. Neo is back and in a redone character model no less! Of all the characters to have had a recurring appearance into the show, she has by far been given the most unconventional approach. Many fans by now are aware of the gist as to how she came to be, but for those not in the know, Neo was a character that was conceived a mere 10 days prior to the release of volume 2′s fourth episode. Her design was partially inspired by a genderbent cosplay from Sonja Carter, otherwise known as Soulfire Photography. Her semblance was the result of from is the result of Monty Oum needing an easier way to animate her and Torchwick making a quick escape according to the volume 2 blu-ray directors and animators commentary tracks respectively:

“I needed an uh, it's so backwards how like, I needed them to exit the scene like, Neo was like Torchwick's escape plan. And I was like, "oh yeah, they could get in the ship and then get away." I was like, "That's hard to animate.”  Let's just have them shatter into glass, that's simple!"

“And then we have Neo come in and do... something weird. I guess, I tried to think of it as an illusionary technique. It’s like her version of ninja smoke bomb where it’s like she gets away because she causes some sort of distraction because the umbrella is relatively fast, the ship was probably waiting.”

Her entire character was born from the kind of creative process Monty had in general. It’s something he was a bit outspoken about where he compared his own process to that of most film or animation productions, referring to the latter’s structured, step-by-step process as “baking”, while he referred to his own personal, improvisational process as “stir-frying.” Both approaches have their merits and faults, but whether or not one is seen as more favorable over the other in animation production is not the point to get across. Rather, it’s to point out how a character like Neo can come to be in the first place:

“ When I’m working on my own, I tend to run editorial and animation concurrently. I’m averse to storyboards and over-planning. I like to talk about traditional 3D pipelines as being akin to baking: everything is very deliberate and methodical. My version of 3D animation is more like stir-frying. It’s very live and in the moment. If I need a model, I make a model. If a shot or sequence isn’t working, I’ll cut it, move it, or use it later - sometimes several years later.”

-Monty Oum, interview at Creativebloq (yes, they spelled “RWBY” wrong)

So with the story of how Neo came to be out of the way, let’s talk about her in action sequences since a lot has happened in RWBY’s production between last appearance and her grand return. Up until now, only 3 people have ever had a chance to animate Neo fighting. Monty Oum during chapters 4 & 7 of volume 2 and Joel Mann and Andrea Caprotti in chapter 11 of volume 3, the latter two also animated Cinder, Emerald, & Mercury vs Amber in chapter 7 of the same volume. Without going too much into detail, my stance on Monty and how he created fight scenes have always been more conflicted compared to the general consensus. A lot of that has to do with two of the several hats he wore up until his passing, his role as the show’s initial director and as lead animator. As the director, it always felt unclear as to how much thought was considered behind the character motivations within a fight or the consequences that would logically follow after one. Something just feels off in hindsight when say, a criminal wreaks havoc on a highway by knocking away multiple cars, using a mech that’s stolen, top-secret military property and we don’t ever get a scene showing the military general’s reaction to the incident, whether or not he ultimately does anything about it. As much as I appreciate good choreography and rhythm when I see it, having the story being weaved within and around a given fight in works of fiction is what can make them engaging in the first place.

That being said, Monty’s skills as an animator were definitely made clear in the fight scenes he assigned himself to within the show. Animation in general is not an easy medium to tackle, regardless of what kind of gestures or expressions one wants to sell and creating action sequences require both the 12 principles of animation and a few other guidelines in editing and cinematography to make them engaging. In the case of the character Neo, Monty made it very evident what kind of character he wanted to portray through her body language, facial expressions and poses. She fights in a classy way, but unlike Weiss Schnee who is shown as being more consciously routine and disciplined, Neo is comparatively more sassy and provoking. She likes to push her opponent’s buttons with the way she dodges, defends and attacks. Jumping into volume 3, Joel Mann and Andrea Caprotti picked up the pieces from where Monty left off up until his passing and captured much of the same personality to how she fights. Finally, three volumes later, we have her fight with Cinder in this chapter. Not only were just about all of the same traits with Neo’s character left intact, but the list of animators involved this time around were a pleasant surprise. Matt Drury, Megan Pellino, and Joe Vick were confirmed to have animated the fight with current assistant lead animator, Melanie Stern providing some assistance by animating a couple of shots herself. I’ve gone on record in previous posts on how between volume 5 having on of the biggest waves of new recruits, the overall restructuring of animation teams between RWBY’s sixth volume and Gen:Lock on the horizon, and the staff list on the Adam Character short, it’s now more important than ever to remain aware of who will be animating any fight scene or non-fight scene. “Keep moving forward” is a golden phrase within the fan base originally uttered by one of Monty’s tweets and this mantra can be applied to acknowledging new names involved in the production rather than staying stagnant. This episode is a good example of why that’s vital.

This fight sequence was not only an opportunity to show off the return of a fan-favorite character, but it also needed to formally establish the narrative reason as to why Neo is here now. Keyword being “formally”. Yes, fans have spent weeks speculating the possibility of her character through the opening theme and the second chapter. But that doesn’t change the fact that the CRWBY have been spent several months on the production of this part of the volume and still need to make it clear what this character’s motives are for appearing again after a few years without the scene coming off as pointless fanservice. That can be especially challenging for a mute character, but Melanie, Matt, Megan & Joe made that all clear through the choreography and more importantly, the emotional action and reaction. Despite the supposed intentions to why she’s combating against Cinder, Neo is all about taunting her opponent. So it’s only natural that she would ride the line between fighting aggressively and playfully, going as far as momentarily taking out her blade via a split-second smear, all while displaying an appropriate grin on her face. This constant assault in turn escalates the intensity from Cinder’s perspective by shifting her emotions from confusion to frustration. She drops being defensive and starts swinging fists and kicks so aggressively, that her actions come off a little animalistic and she eventually gets more acrobatic and starts breaking furniture.

Though none of Cinder’s actions and reactions are displayed senselessly, despite her facial expressions and vocal cries on Jessica Nigri’s part suggesting otherwise. In the fifth episode of season 2 of CRWBY: Behind the Episode. In it, Matt Drury. who seems to have animated the bit with Neo and Cinder going at it on the bar stand, talked about applying the notion of “see, think, do”, in which a character stays keen on his/her opponent’s movements based on what the latter is going to strike with and then responds accordingly. It’s essentially something learned in Martial arts in general, even competitive fighting games apply this concept. The same use of “see, think, do” can also be seen in Matt’s previous animated sequences in the Adam Character Short. Despite wearing a mask, there are various alternative ways he goes about handling each opponent such as the gunshots in the forest sequence and the framing of shots in the Schnee Dust Company facility to help see what Adam sees and thinks. 

I could go on about how great the physical aspects of the fight turned out adding the great use of staging in certain shots and even the brief instance of Neo attacking with her hidden blade through the different colored smears and sound effects that would’ve been easy to miss otherwise. But there’s still a bit more to talk about Neo and Cinder’s conflict outside of the fighting animation. Being a mute character, facial expressions are important to get right in both fighting and dialogue scenes and when Neo’s worn-&-torn character model is shown, heartache, surprise, fear and reluctance are all emotions made very clear. Finally, there’s some 2-D visual effects, likely from Myke Chapman again, this time in the form of wind. I can only imagine the overall design of the wind column surrounding Cinder is fairly elaborate to animate, despite it being looped. But it’s pulled off really well. The wind seems to be divided in three layers: there’s the swirling wind in front of Cinder, the wind swirling behind her and the base on the bottom which seems to be animated on 2s while the former two are animated on 1s. There’s also the additional wind bursting out at the bottom when Cinder levitates up or back down to the ground. Even though I have praised the 2-D effects in chapter 3, a bit of concern was felt as to whether the timing would be played around enough by utilizing what is called “frame modulation”. To put simply, the phrase has to do with an animator fluctuating between animating a sequence on 1s, 2s and 3s, depending on what exactly is meant to be conveyed. This was what I was slightly worried about with the 2-D effects going forward, but thankfully, this one effect soundly put the concern itself to rest.

Despite the harsh criticisms being common knowledge at this point (some of which are certainly valid), I have contrarily been willing to defend the general presentation of fights in volumes 4 & 5 for at least tapping into the idea of more consciously displaying the motivation and consequences between characters engaged in conflict. That being said, both the emotional narrative and physical choreography can both coexist and this Neo vs Cinder conflict served as a great, concise example of just that. I would not necessarily call the scene a “return to form” like many fans have been quick to state. But that should not take away from the level of effort being paid off in the first half of this episode serves as a effective reminder of moving forward to acknowledge both new and recurring talent. With that said, the topic of Cinder vs Neo has been greatly exhausted so let’s move on to a different change of pace in the latter half of the episode. It’s almost night and day in terms of what to break down with the Brunswick Farms scenes. Though there is just as much to talk about, just for mostly different reasons. The latter half of the episode has more emphasis on character acting through a mixture between motion capture and hand-keyed animations, timing of staging of moments through camera layout and editing, 3-D effects for the snow, and even the sound effects taking the spotlight to capture the eerie feeling of the setting.

Speaking of sound effects, let’s talk about that. Despite, talking this series of posts being about breaking down and speculating the production of RWBY, I’ve admittedly been very negligent on the audio and mixing up until now. But the audio department’s effort definitely deserve their due this episode with Chris Kokkinos taking the helm as lead of said-department since volume... Immediately, the sounds of the winds picking up in the storm are the first things made clear to the viewer. Even though there are dissolve transitions to shots of just the snowy setting for a few seconds, with the visibility being deliberately kept at a minimum, one can’t help but be drawn to the audio of the harsh winds. Once they barge inside, the music actually drops entirely for a moment and the sounds within the household immediately come to play. The creaking and footsteps of the wooden floors increase the tense feeling that something is amiss and though the music starts again once Ruby spots the family portraits, it doesn’t fight against the sound effects for attention. Next is Kara Eberle’s well-done screaming and panicky breathing as Weiss which is probably the only moment where the vocal delivery plays a punchy part of the uncomfortable setting. That, combined with the zoom-out from Ruby and Blake entering the room to seeing the rotted, sleeping corpses serves a great reminder of why I don’t care for horror movies in general, regardless of how laughably bad they can be. Congratulations CRWBY.

Next is the scene with the gang at the living room, starting with a shot of the fireplace. It’s more 2-D effects work on the fire which is simple and serviceable, though I’m not the most fond of the... “rendering” of the soot, for lack of a better way to explain it? It’s slightly jarring to look at in that it’s made too obvious that the elements of 2-D and 3-D don’t mesh as well as they could. But it’s really just a nitpick when all is said and done. The fluctuating shadow or lack thereof is interesting however since this extends to the characters. As much as the Pencil plug-in in 3DS Max has served as beneficial to the overall shading effect in RWBY’s character models for the past few volumes, making shadow flicker in front of a stable fire does not seem to be that doable. Whether this is due to lack of a simulation feature or it being possible to do manually but too time consuming, what very likely the lighting or compositing department have done before and did again in this chapter is use a subtle flickering effect that doesn’t change the shading on the characters so much as it slightly dims the light source, being the fireplace. It’s an interesting trick and it works fine, though I’m curious whether there is at all a way to manipulate the shading itself or rim lighting if added via the Pencil plug-in. Though the rim lighting is definitely seen a bit later in a couple of shots with Weiss.

Moving on, the living room scene itself seems to have been at least partially animated by Asha Bishi since much of her tells in character acting are there. Very expressive gestures and a combination of Blake’s cat ear shifts and eyes widening with the pupils being a tad more dilated, the last of which is something that been made more obvious after the last CRWBY episode. With that said, it’s a little hard to pin down when her sequence of cuts end. Next is the cut with Blake and Yang traversing in the snow which is actually the first shot and only shot newcomer, Nyle Pierson has animated in the show as of this episode. It’s a small bit but it totally nails how Blake and Yang would go about dealing with harsh snowy winds differently with one covering herself while the other tries to tough it out. Plus the follow-through on their clothing and hair are very well handled by avoiding feeling too similar, almost distinguishing which character’s clothes are sturdier. Now would also be a good time to briefly talk about the snow effects in this chapter and in this volume in general thus far. It’s all possibly a simulation done via Adobe After Effects from the compositing team since it doesn’t really interact with the main cast themselves. One exception though may be the moment Qrow stepped inside to dry off, though it’s honestly hard to say. The snow being brushed off seem to be done by the visual effects artists, but the wet spots formed on the floor may have been composited since they fade into the ground.

Moving into the shed scene, the quiet atmosphere is consistently well-set where only the sound effects and voice acting are heard. The choice of boards and camera layout also help ease into the sense of intimacy being brought between Blake and Yang’s conversation, going from wider and more distant shots that show the entire interior to having more medium and close-up shots and then back to a wider shot to take things back to square one. The last shot of this scene especially couldn’t be any more obvious as the visual equivalent of being given the cold shoulder. The animations through the facial expressions and gestures also serve to compliment the intention of the scene. I want to say Hannah Novotny animated this, but It’s still a little tricky to say for certain since she and Asha have similar approaches to animating the same characters. Jumping into the last scene of the episode and we get a couple of neat lighting choices, particularly with the small flames from Weiss and the flashlight on Ruby’s scroll. The show is no stranger to artificial lighting via vehicles and objects, but there hasn’t exactly been a light source done as small and bright before. There’s also an interesting detail by having the shape of the light be a couple of rings. Aside from that, nothing else to add beyond the cute, comedic character acting between Ruby and Weiss at the end of the episode. Not sure who the animator was that worked on it, but it served as an appropriately small, light-heard break in an otherwise very atmospheric set of scenes.

With that, this marks the end of another production analysis for volume 6 thus far. Despite the length being only slightly longer than the previous episode, chapter 5 had more going on overall with a more varied change of pace between the two-halves of the episode. With the return of a character who has been overdue for another appearance and a setting that invites visual and audio techniques from the horror film genre, it’s a bit hard to imagine how much more absurd things will go. But based on tweets Miles Luna and Melanie Stern have been teasing, things are expected to get even more nuts. This has made me especially curious as to what the next chapter or so is going to offer. One more thing to add: I want to give a special thanks and shout-out to Changyuraptor from the RWBY sub-reddit and his Source McGourse document on practically every confirmed scene each animator has done over the course of RWBY’s production. As much as I do my best to keep track of who has done what, Changyuraptor is arguably more on top of things than I am when it comes to searching high and low for any up-to-date information of confirmed sequences in volume 6 and a couple of the animators I found out from him.

[snkpolls]

SnK S3E03 Results (Manga Reader Version)

The poll closed with 563 responses. Thank you to everyone who participated! 

Please note that this is the results of the manga reader poll. Anime only watchers are suggested not to read if you do not wish to be spoiled about certain events! Anime only viewers, click here to view your poll results!

Rate the episode

84% of users rated the episode a 4 or 5 this week, compared to 64% last week. This episode had less action, but was full of key character moments that manga readers were excited to see animated.

So far it's my favourite since it follows the most the manga but with some bearable adjustemements. If the episodes will be like this from now on, I'll be completely satisfied and could get over all the changes in the first two episodes.

The adaptation is doing well, but of course manga readers(me included) about some bits being changed and rearranged. But on the other hand they might come me up with something unexpectedly good. I won't forgive them if they don't give shit machine tho.

It’s starting to feel more like the arc I love

It was great, I'm having trouble deciding which episode is the best of this season yet. I thought the second one was the best, but then I remember the premiere and now, once again, I am thinking about the 3rd one being the greatest. The quality this season is off the charts.

Compared to episode 2, episode 3 was quite uninteresting

I think it must have been boring and confusing for Anime-only's

This episode was appropriately paced for an episode full of flashbacks, and honestly I think it paid off to get the backstories of Erwin and Historia in one showing to avoid conflicting with the future action episodes.  I don't have much else to say- I can't really be critical because it was a pretty good episode, adaptation-wise.

Which of the following moments were your favorite?

Hange taking their anger out on the table and Levi walking in on it is the winner here! The closest runner ups were seeing Levi’s wanted poster and getting Erwin and Historia’s backstories. We all agree it was nice to see many of these things in color animation finally!

Hange's scene where she blames her table destruction on a cockroach? Totally relatable. And I loved that Levi kinda teased her for it.

I have been waiting for Erwin's back story for AGES and was not disappointed! Kidwin was as heartbreakingly adorable as expected (that nose!! The sad bby at the funeral!!)

I liked all the topics they addressed that had been previously skipped (Historia and Erwin’s pasts). Also, while the sequence of events have been changed, I’m looking forward to how they are going to pan this out.

Erwin has great ass.

Hange's tableflip scene was amazeballs, man I love her!!

Pixis in a suit. Pixis in a suit. Pixis in a suit. Pixis in a suit. Pixis in a suit. Pixis in a suit. Pixis in a suit. Pixis in a suit. Pixis in a suit. Pixis in a suit. Pixis in a suit.

The conversation between Erwin and Pixis gave me thrills. I thought it was going to be boring, but it was very well shown.

My girl Hange's time to shine in this episode! I want her "BAAAKAAAA" as a ringtone asap

Who drew it better: WIT or Isayama?

51% of respondents thought the OG drew it best. Isayama can finally sleep at night. Funnily enough, the anime only respondents preferred WIT’s version!

Who has the best reaction to Historia’s backstory?

Sasha took the lead as she paused licking at her soup bowl to listen to Historia’s story. Connie was easily the next runner up with his dumbfounded expression. We weren’t surprised to see Springles win this one!

How cute was baby Historia?

The vast majority of respondents just wanna pinch those cute little cheeks (and probably take her home, treat her to some hot cocoa and love her properly).

And baby Historia was the cutest omg! That lil nose and her lil blush! I'm crying bittersweet tears here.

How could anyone possibly look down on and abuse such a precious little bean like baby Historia?? Alma's so pathetic…

Baby Historia is the cutest thing I have seen in anime. She is so adorable and sweet! I would love to hug her so much! She is just too cute! <3

Child Hisu is ADORKABLE

How cute was little Erwin?

While this is a tiny bit more spread out than Historia, the majority of respondents were also enamored with adorable kidwin and are ready to adopt him at any time (and probably give lots of hugs too!).

BABYWIN!!!!!!!!!

Young Erwin was def my fav bighead-bigbrows!

I love Erwin so muchhhh my precious baby is so cute and handsome at the same timeeeee I just want to hug him and never let anything bad happen to him againnnnn

The episode was dialogue heavy with a lot of character backstories and plot exposition. What type of episodes do you tend to prefer watching?

In general, respondents don’t mind if an episode has a lot of action or if it’s a bit slower with some good plot developments. What matters is that we keep moving forward and that it’s entertaining, right?

About episode type: Tense conversation ready to break into action at any second, like when Kenny and Levi were talking in the bar.

It was a nice change of pace after all the fights in the first 2 episodes but I'm looking forward to the action  coming back next episode

Did Flegel really stay in that alleyway the entire night?

We asked this mostly for fun and respondents didn’t disappoint. The majority believe that he did stay in the alleyway the entire night, but plenty of you had some fun commentary (and sass) to provide us all with some laughs:

Based on how the events at Erwin's went, I'd guess that Reeves was killed nearing dawn and it hasn't been that long.

During the night, he went to slay all of marley and came back in the morning, Flegel for president!

Oh crap, I didn't even notice that. Part of me wants to say maybe he left and came back, but that really doesn't make much sense if he's trying to not get caught. No doubt the Interior Squad would have surveyed the area a little before getting the body ready for a public reveal to frame Erwin.

He took one long leak

He went to get sour cream and came back

Slept in a trash-can then went for a morning stroll

insert Schroedinger's cat analogy

No clearly Annie came and rescued him

Somehow he knew Commander Handsome will be there, so yeah, he stayed. I would stay too <3

no, he crawled up the wall like a spider and slept on the rooftops dont worry

On a scale of 1-5, how distressed are you about Eren being tied, gagged and drugged?

Most respondents seemed unconcerned or indifferent to Eren’s current situation, but those who are distressed were pretty vocal about it:

PLEASE MAKE SURE THE POOR BOY GETS SOME WATER???  The little scene with his in-and-out of consciousness is very distressing to see!

I pray that Eren gets a happy ending; I feel SO stressed for him

Who has the best hat?

Connie’s sunhat took the lead! But we agree that all hats are good and that everyone was looking fab.

HAT HAT HAT I'm really hoping that from this point on, they will follow the manga more closely again, as I am not super impressed by the current shake-up in event order but most importantly HAT HAT HAT JEAN GOT HIS HAT.

The hats!!! The hats are so good!

Love his top hat but lost half his lines for it

JEAANNN'S HAAAT

How many flashbacks within flashbacks is too many?

Half of respondents appreciated the Inception reference and just want to be flashbacked into oblivion. Okay but seriously, there were some who got a bit confused by WIT’s use of flashbacks for some of these scenes. We hope you’re holding up okay during current manga chapters!

bit weird to slow it down this much when the first 2 episodes were so action packed, 2 flashbacks in one episode is a bit much if you ask me. the episode didnt give you any break or a few seconds to let the information sink in.

I was confused by flashbacks in flashbacks. I don't lke that type of stuff and I got feeling that they were traveling in time :/

How do you feel about the rearrangement of events after this episode?

45% are still tentative and not ready to judge the situation just yet. However, a good 37% combined are either content or are already finding they like the changes better. It seems the optimism is starting to improve overall!

Dont remember much of the order of events in this arc, as long as it all makes sense its fine. I trust Isayamas judgment

I prefer the manga’s order, but I am content, BUT I’m still waiting for more episodes to make a final judgement, BUT  I’m still very confused with where they are going with this.

I want to slap the whole WIT Studios and Yams but u know im okay for now.

Same story, different medium. Pretty neutral, happy I don’t know word for word what’s going to happen.

So I was very very nervous about the changes and pacing, but them taking the time to slow down and let the emotional weight of Historia and Erwin's backstories sink in is just what I needed to calm down a bit. I still have some preferences with the manga, but I'm sated to the point of watching and waiting without making too much of a fuss.

Some changes do make the action flow smoother, but im not happy that the studio decided to cut out Reeves-Levi wall bonding and L's squad 2.0's doubts on killing people

Rearrangement? Who cares? Erwin on graveyard was pure sex how was I supposed to thino about rearrangments???

I think the anime is doing a good job restructuring the arc, and is preserving its internal consistency quite well. But I am upset about some of the things that got removed, so I don't quite like the anime's retelling.

The rearrangement was understandable, however until I can look over the whole arc, I wouldn't be able to give a fair opinion on the execution of this season.

How do you feel about Historia’s absence when the Survey Corps proposed she needs to be queen?

As with the previous question, nearly half of voters are not yet ready to judge how the changes will affect the arc overall. 35% of you guys think it was a bad choice on WIT’s part. It’s probably safe to say we’re all on our toes wondering how WIT is going to handle this plot development as they move forward!

I hope we can still see the Levi smiling moment at the end of this arc despite the absence of these scenes.

I prefer Rod being the one to push the idea of her royalty into her, and I still think we'll get a moment regarding Levi's will to accept a different kind of hell and pushing Historia to make a choice in some other way later.

It didn't have a huge significance to the plot but it gave both Historia and Levi some good characterisation.

I feel a mixture of "I need more episodes" and "It was a poor choice".

Had to be done for an action packed start the season but I'm disappointed as it is an important scene for Levi's development

It was a poor choice that broke an important chain of events, it was Levi who had to force Historia.

Ralph called Hange a devil after they were locked up. Was this good foreshadowing to current manga events?

71% of respondents believed that this was good foreshadowing! We suppose one nice part of the anime being as behind from the manga as it is, is that we can recall these older moments that manage to have thematic relevance to current events.

I think Hange being called a devil was amazing foreshadowing, but also in a sense that, by overthrowing the current system, they are unwittingly putting themselves in the exact same position as the old government and its cronies were in with almost exactly the same problems and solutions available to them, the poor things just don't see it yet.

After this week, do you believe future episodes are now going to be more faithful to the original chapters?

50% of voters are confident that WIT is mostly headed back toward the linear timeline of the manga, with maybe small bits and pieces shuffled or omitted. 28% aren’t feeling as optimistic about it, however. But 18% are confident we’re back onto the strict manga timeline.

I'll have to wait and see all the episodes. No point trying to guess, only to be disappointed. Isayama authorised the changes, let's see what his new vision of these chapters!

I believe they will be faithful more than just "a little bit."  It seems the PV is a good indicator of that.  The Historia rising up to be queen is definitely going to be handled differently and there is no way around that.  But I'm ready, Wit!

im still trying to grasp what they trying to do of the pacing and the moments and i still hope the upcoming eps will make sense of all that cuts and flashbacks.

They'll have to do something different with Levi and Historia's 'discussion' about her becoming queen. I wonder if it will happen later, and someone else will do Reeve's line about him being a scary but good man? It would be interesting if someone like Mikasa does it.

Leaked episode titles PROVE they are gonna butcher up the cave scene

Maybe yes, maybe not. It all depends on Isayama and WIT, so let us wait for episode 41, shall we?

Which scene from the PV are you most looking forward to this week?

The largest group are most looking forward to Jean testing whether or not they can trust Marlowe and Hitch (please give us the stick WIT!). The close runner up is Levi interrogating the MP with the nice mustache and a case of foot-in-mouth. Literally.

I'm totally excited to see Marlowe and Hitch!

Central MP HQ next week?!?! Hoping for some new action scenes.

GIVE ME HITCH AND MARLO RIGHT NOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWW

everyone in the PV is hot (yes pulverized erwin is still included)

Which group of characters are you favorite?

“All of them” wins as the good neutral vote.

I never know how to answer the which group is your favorite question because my fav is 104th + Annie (sans RB). So I'm always answering sans RBA which is unfair to Annie.

Where you do primarily discuss the series?

Additional thoughts on the episode?

A little bit better, but not enough. But overall I'm satisfied and I enjoyed it.

All in all, a very nicely done episode. I like how the story is coming together, all the different elements in the manga are there, just in a different order. I had high hopes for this season and so far I am not disappointed!

At this point I have absolutely NO clue where they are, or what's going on. The manga was less confusing for me.

Damn cockroaches, always ruining Hange's day.

Earlier I was really salty about Levi having to hold Mikasa back everytime it was mentioned that Eren was kidnapped, but later I noticed that instead of Mikasa being cool with it immediately like she was in her manga, in the anime they are slowing her development down to make it more realistic and believable(Levi had to physically restrain her the first time around, while the second time he just had to talk her down) so I still have faith it wit. I am still a little angry that the "That wasn't how I raised him." scene was cut though. It was an important Mikasa-Armin moment. But oh well! At least we got to see Jean in his glorious fedora!

Felt well-paced, I do like that they are tweeking things to make the anime feel more smooth.

Hanji looked like a snack throughout this episode shes so hot oh my god I’m so gay

Baby Erwin and Historia are wonderful, and I really like that they put two very different parent/child relationships on display here. Erwin's devotion to his father's theories, and the closeness to their relationship paralleled the neglegence Alma showed towards Historia - and in the end, the parents meet the same fate, offed by the Interior Squad."

Both Historia and Erwin's backstories needed stronger direction. Also, just a nitpick, but the soundtrack they used when Sannes told Hange "good luck" was an extremely weird choice. It was a very grim and ominous scene yet the music in the background didn't reflect that.

Pixis' lack of opposition was annoying. It seemed like he was just there so that Erwin had someone to talk about his backstory to. In the manga his red-line of no blood being spilled and his willingness to stay with the nobility if they had unknown but good reasons for their behaviour increased the stakes a lot.

I love the consistent tension buildup and the music choices that just compliment it. Sawano has been on a roll with the new tunes, and the way old ones have been used has been fantastic. Attack on D for Erwin's flashback is a choice I didn't consider, but I'll be damned if that wasn't a great call.

I just want to protect smol Historia and precious little Kidwin

Loving the development for Erwin. People need to realize that he isn't some cold hearted badass. He has feelings too ya know!

Thank you to everyone who participated! We’ll see you back on Monday! 

[eligrantbooks]

gotta vent about my day real quick

highlights of the day

> be professional ghostwriter.

Agreed to edit a 25000 word segment of a finished manuscript for a much loved regular client, who said the MC’s dialogue needed to be punched up. Easy enough. I figured it would take a few hours.

Was briefly excited to discover the manuscript was for a concept I had outlined and written several chapters for a few months ago.

Excitement rapidly dwindles as I realize that beloved client has hired another ghostwriter to write the majority of the book. Which would be fine, except this other ghostwriter has no fucking idea what they are doing.

Formatting is a god damn disaster and I spend several hours just getting the document into a workable condition.

You ever open a word doc, look at the navigation pane, and just see a wall of blank links, because someone applied the header formatting somewhere and then just hit enter a million times instead of using a page break like a civilized god damn human being?

in the middle of this forest of blank headers, actual chapter titles are scattered at random, and also they only applied the header to roughly one out of every five chapters or so, you know, just, when they felt like it. when the spirit took them. when the stars aligned. when the feng shui was right.

Also, apparently they like the way first line indenting looks but don’t know how to make word do that (spoiler: its easy as shit and takes like two clicks) so every once in a while they start manually hitting tab before every line, until they get distracted and stop for a while, luring you into a false sense of security before they remember and start doing it again.

Sometimes, when a scene transitions but they dont want to just end the chapter for some reason, they break it up with spaces. Other times, they like to use asterisks. Once or twice, just for flavor, they throw in one of those page width lines that word makes when you type a line of hyphens.

There is random highlighting in places, for no discernible reason.

Once I have the document formatted in a way I can bear to work with, I start actually reading through it. About the first seven chapters were written by the client. They’re cheesy but solid.

Then I get to chapter eight, and the suspicions i had begun to form while putting the formatting through traction (namely that whoever did this was a fuckwit) quickly crystallized into a shining certainty that my beloved client had mistakenly hired An Ass Clown.

Not just An Ass Clown, but An Ass Clown who thought 50 Shades was a beautiful love story, actually.

And they gave This Ass Clown, this literary reprobate, this paste eating remedial english mother fucker, my outline.

let me clarify that i did not expect to have sole control of this story when i produced the outline for beloved client, and I was okay with that. That’s how it works. If I’d been dead set on writing this myself, i wouldn’t have sold the outilne to beloved client. but it really rubs salt in the wound to have spent hours of my life crafting the bones of this story, which i really liked and was excited to see take shape

and then find out it has been put into the pie fondling hands

of An Ass Clown.

first hint that something has gone drastically wrong: the arrival of completely unnecessary and ridiculous fantasy names for things.

“oh we dont drink coffee in this book. it’s kofee. at least until three chapters from now when i forget and it becomes kofe. Oh, and watch out for those thornaby bushes! I’m going to misspell that one literally every time I use it! It’s entirely possible that this isn’t a fantasy name at all and I just have a small seizure whenever I try to type the word thorn bush!”

second omen of my impending anuerism: phonetically written accents which are so comically stereotypical and inaccurate that native speakers of that accent should be entitled to financial compensation, except they can’t even stick to the stereotype accurately, producing gems such as  “It’s not safe in that there pen with ‘em swine, young miss.” I don’t even know what accent that’s supposed to represent. To top it off these accent abominations are sprinkled in with all the consistency and reliability of a lactose intolerant cheese enthusiast’s bowel movements.

But this, I tell myself, moving on, is not my problem. I just need to punch up the mcs dialogue. It’ll be fine. I can do this. I just need to take this shit: “A fond idea, but I doubt I have that ability.” I joked. “I can’t imagine living without true sunshine. Even the triplet moons must shine less brightly without their sister sun.” and make it… not like that.

Except, and here’s where I start hitting the real roadblock guys

this book is in first person.

essentially, the entire novel is the MC talking.

So sure I can change the spoken lines, but her internal monologue

which is, i remind you, the entire narrative

her internal monologue is going to keep being maggie gyllenhal’s character from The Secretary if her copy of the script had been swapped with just a binder full of sonnets written by a middle school english class during the Shakespeare unit.

I get to chapter ten around three in the afternoon. I have been working steadily, with an unusual degree of focus thanks to my recent adderal prescription, since ten in the morning.

this is where shit begins to go truly bananas.

this is a YA beauty and the beast type fantasy

that good fun indulgent shit that’s almost as enjoyable to write as it is to read

usually. previously. before i had to endure this traumatic twelve hour experience.

Chapter ten is the first big “dinner” scene. this book isn’t being shy about pulling from the source material, but that’s fine. the beast “apologizes” (heavy quotes there) for having earlier used magic to force the heroine to answer his questions truthfully. They talk and almost seem to making progress for a bit, and then have a fight and storm off. Standard stuff.

Except, uh, the beast’s apology is, essentially “Yeah I shouldn’t have done that.” “so you’re apologizing?” “no but it’s the best you’re going to get so deal with it.”

and the headstrong, independent heroine who wears pants and wrestles pigs and dont need no man

just kinda rolls with this. There’s giggling.

They have their big dramatic fight, exit stage left, much angst and todo.

The next morning heroine wakes up to find the beast has (presumably) snuck into her room while she was sleeping and dumped a bunch of new dresses on her. he has also (apparently) replaced her brain with Bella Swan’s more vapid cousin.

She forgives him instantly. Because pretty dresses. She also starts calling him master, because why not. She has, over night, become the darling submissive Tumblr doms dream of.

This is not a bdsm book. I am eighty percent certain it doesn’t even include soft core smut. I’m telling you this so that you understand this transformation was not a contrivance in order to facilitate kinky sex. I have written a contrived set up to a sex scene or two in my day. This is not that. This is Not what is in the outline. I know, because i wrote the outline. It is My Outline.

No, The Ass Clown just… decided to do this. Apropos of nothing. I’m beginning to think the Ass Clown’s decision making process involves whipping pies at a comically large dartboard. And all the options on the dartboard are just “lol whatever”

By the time I get to chapter eleven, wherein our newly lobotomized heroine is “excited to wear a new frock and please the master!” - direct quote I have given up any pretense of editing dialogue and I am just straight up rewriting shit using the previous garbage as a loose outline.

I have eaten, maybe, three bites of a bowl of oatmeal all day. I have not taken a bathroom break since before noon. I have missed my deadline. Beloved client is concerned. I’m sure I can still do this, I just need a few more hours.

the words sound like truth but my soul knows i am a liar

I frantically restructure scene after scene, deceiving myself each time that it will be the last, and I will be able to get this crazy train back on the rails. But this crazy train has no interest in being on the rails. It’s a direct line no stops right off the edge of the cliffs of insanity.

The beast jumps unpredictably from homicidal rage and threats of violence to jokes and flirting as though he did not just declare her his property and threaten to rip her tongue out a few paragraphs ago. Heroine swoons and sighs and giggles regardless of whether she is dealing with Dr.Jekyll or Christian Gray on PCP.

But I’m still sure I can do this. I’ll just adjust these two full chapters to make her appropriately scared and angry, and then replace this weird conversation here with a heartfelt apology from him and an effort to do better. That will totally work. Unless, you know, it turns out that conversation I want to replace only starts out with them joking and laughing together, and turns into him berating and abusing her mid paragraph of a fuckin montage a page later! But, haha! Why would The Ass Clown ever do that? It would be completely irrational, tonally jarring and out of character! Only a seltzer slinging rainbow suspender-ed peanut butter fumbling son of six fucks would do that.

so of course The Ass Clown did that.

It’s eleven at night. I know when I’m beaten.

I inform beloved client that the Ass Clown has bested me and I can do no more.

She is very understanding.

I send her what I managed and I check the added word count while im at it

i added a full 6,000 words to that manuscript just trying to patch up this sloppy motherfucker’s lopsided prose and gossamer thin understanding of narrative structure

son of a bitch had about as firm a grasp of romance as i currently have on the trembling shreds of my sanity.

their grip on character writing could not be more tenuous if they had first dipped the target brand Hulk Hands which I assume they always have on their person into a barrel of adult-film-grade silicon lubricant and then taken their Leapfrog 2-in-1 Leaptop Touch down a waterslide.

Do you know how much I usually make for 6000 words?

$180.

Do you know how much I made for enduring this ass blasting, which I naively believed I could tackle in a matter of hours?

$100.

You owe me $80 Ass Clown. And I aim to collect.

Also I lost my damn mind for a minute and said the words "i dont know shit about fuck my guy” to my actual father on facebook

so there’s that.

[secretshinigami]

Title: Your Father’s Son Author:  @translightyagami (aka james, lmao) For: @abbadon-abandon Pairings/Characters: Light Yagami, Soichiro Yagami Rating/Warnings: Gen, No Warnings Prompt: Soichiro and Light Male Bonding time after Light comes out as trans Author’s notes: Ahhh this one was fun to write. I’m always a fan of tooling around with the Yagami family and Light is the most trans man character in the world. i hope that you enjoy this bc i enjoyed writing it :)

Light examined the scar on his knee. It was healed over after a month but still echoed the torn skin, the fresh blood and the dark mark left on the green tennis court. Eyes trained on that scar, he heard his father’s voice as background music to his own thoughts. Nothing being said to him stuck to the insides of his ears, instead floating in and out of his consciousness without any attention paid.

A hand shook his shoulder and Light glanced up to his father’s face.

“Light,” his father said. “Tell me again. Why are you quitting tennis?”

“I’m just not interested in it anymore.” Light shrugged and reached down to pick at his scar. In the summer sun, his binder started to squeeze his ribs, all slick with sweat. The outdoor café they sat at had a scattered amount of tables—about six from what Light could see. Each one had a bright umbrella cast over it and white painted metal chairs. Light’s own chair creaked when he moved as though in pain from the slight weight of him pressing down on it.

“It just isn’t like you to quit,” his father continued and folded his arms onto the table. He leaned forward with his glasses covered by a sharp sun glare. Without the cue of his father’s eyes, Light fidgeted, hand still on his knee, and tried to place his face into the correct position. “You’ve never asked to leave anything else.”

“Yeah.” A waiter passed them carrying a tray with two tea cups. Their quaint and girlish pink appearance sent a spike of derision through Light’s spine. His father had taken him to this café before, on his tenth birthday, and given him a charm bracelet with a tiny tennis racket dangling from the chain. He brought his hands to the table. “Well. I need to focus on my studies anyway. High school is soon.”

His father tilted his head down and his eyes became clear again. A long look of concern pulled at his features that Light didn’t enjoy seeing. Concern wasn’t a good look on his father, not when it was directed toward Light.

“Is this because of your—,” his father hesitated and sighed. “Are you quitting because of this whole transgender thing?”

Over a few years, the prickle of embarrassment that followed any mention of “the transgender thing” faded, but still the feeling ran over Light’s skin. The words bounced off his bones until they landed, heavy, in the pit of his stomach. Shame welled in the back of his throat, but Light swallowed it and met his father’s eyes. At a different table, a group of girls sang happy birthday to their friend.

As Light readied himself to answer, a waiter slid to the side of their table. His slicked back hair revealed a tall forehead speckled with pimples. Summoning more politeness than he liked, Light kept his attention on the man’s nose to avoid staring. His father, hands tucked together and body too large for the chair he sat in, regarded the waiter with a cool, nearly disappointed air. Obviously, he hadn’t expected to be interrupted just yet.

“Hello,” the waiter said. “I apologize for the wait. Seems there’s a lot to celebrate today.”

“Hm.” Light watched his father’s serious expression remain unchanged.

“So. What can I get for you today?” The waiter gulped nervously before pulling out an order pad.

“Oh.” Light took the small menu from the center of the table and flipped it open. His hands shook just enough to jumble the small printed words, his mind still occupied by the previous, unfinished conversation. Without having read a single thing, he shut the menu and passed it to his father. “I’ll have a small coffee, please.”

“Light.” His father’s voice was stern. “You’re too young for coffee.”

“Dad. I’m thirteen,” Light said. “It’s fine. I’ll be fine.”

“Hm.” Setting the menu down without a glance, Light’s father spoke to the waiter while still staring at Light. “I’ll have the same as my son.”

“Ah. Yes.” The waiter cleared his throat and, when Light chanced a look, his eyes were flat with discomfort. At the back of Light’s neck, his long hair, just brushing the collar of his shirt, was heavy as a rope pulling him down. He sat up straighter, back rigid, and fixed a tepid gaze on the man. His father gave out a strong, pointed cough. The waiter snapped back to him and a sanguine smile pasted over his surprise. “Two small coffees. I’ll be back soon.”

The waiter scrambled off with the shifting steps of a lizard chased into grass. Light’s lip twitched, still held in stiff obligation, but the line of it weakened upon looking at his father. Brow heavy over his dark, focused eyes, Light’s father’s face barely shifted as he regarded his son. He brought his intertwined hands to his cover the lower half of his face with elbows propped on the table.

“You shouldn’t feel like you have to hide things from me,” his father said. “You can be honest about why you’re quitting. I’ll understand.”

In the sky, a cloud trail spelled out nothing but a long line spun from a tiny jet. Light held his hands in his lap, fidgeting with the urge to gnaw savagely on his nails. Oh, if only his reasons were so normal as to be about his transgender issues. Those would be digestible for his father and fill in the appropriate gaps. After all, wasn’t he supposed to suffer for his identity? Wasn’t that the correct narrative to write out in the blue sky in clouds near ephemeral in their texture?

The truth was Light quit because he was bored. He was bored of winning every match against girls who could hardly hold a racket let alone place an actual shot. He was bored of always hearing them talk about pop idols instead of proper backhand grip and bored of the mind-numbing lack of effort it took to be the best. It wasn’t worth it, really, when there wasn’t any challenge. But boredom wasn’t enough of an excuse to trot out, not the cruel pointed boredom Light had in his stomach. So he feigned a sigh and looked at the table. He thought for a moment about letting his lip protrude into a pout, but decided against it. Better not to play up any kind of childishness; it would be a distraction from the realism of his transgender plight.

“I just don’t feel right playing on the girl’s team.” Light tried to shake his voice into a slight melancholy, but the balance of it tipped into depression. Clearing his throat, he lifted his gaze back to his father and tried again. “It’s been really hard, you know, still wearing those skirts. I just don’t think I belong there anymore.”

“Oh.” Light’s father took a breath, a deep uncomfortable timbre lining his voice. Part of Light rolled his eyes in the back of his head. After an entire year of him being out to his parents and still rumbles, still the shudders of discomfort. His father squeezed one hand into a fist and then a smile, small and blindingly genuine, curled on his lips.

“Light,” he said. “You’re a very smart—,” here he coughed and then continued, “—young man. If you don’t fit on that team, we can always find a new one. Maybe there’s a boys’ league you can join.”

A throb of frustration pinched between Light’s eyebrows and he began to restructure his plan. So playing the transgender card wouldn’t work? Maybe he had to be short and blunt. Of course. He should have thought of that approach first; clear cut language was the only kind his father understood.

“I don’t want to play tennis at all.” Light kicked his feet against the rungs on the metal chair. Dull pings echoed from his motions. “I’m not interested in it anymore.”

“Not interested?”

“No.” Over his father’s shoulder, the waiter came into view with a plastic tray crowned by two white ceramic mugs. “I don’t like it.”

Expression carefully neutral, the waiter set a mug in front of Light and his father. As quickly as he came, the waiter folded himself up and walked off to a table of women laughing.

Light hooked a finger into the handle of his mug and turned it to face the right. He grabbed two French vanilla creamers then paused, attention flickering to his father, who had already started to sip his coffee black. Light dithered with the creamers between his fingers before dropping one back. A palatable silence laid flat over their table while Light poured his creamer in and then used his pinkie to stir his coffee into a light brown.

As he took his first drink, his father set his mug down and nodded absentmindedly.

“So,” Light’s father said. “What are you interested in?”

Light paused. His mind’s delicate gears squealed trying to find a quick answer but there wasn’t one. A great deal of things interested Light—architecture, the way people yelled in reality television shows, the way ants looked when you dripped water on them until they drowned. But none of those things held his attention for longer than a moment and even then he felt his interest fading in every interaction. He waited, coffee mug on the table and losing steam, until one gear turned and rang out the answer he needed.

“Mysteries.” Light looked his father in the eye. “I’m interested in solving mysteries.”

His father put a hand over his mouth and closed his eyes, still nodding. He breathed in deeply, features drawn in concentration, and Light felt off kilter. He’d introduced the subject in hopes that his father might take the bait and be led away from the topic of tennis. But now he wasn’t sure where the idea would take them.

Finally, his father took his hand from his face and met Light’s gaze. He wasn’t smiling but his eyes were so clear that Light felt important, recognized.

“There are a few cases at the department we’ve been having trouble with,” his father said. “We’ve been at them for a bit but haven’t made progress. I know you’re smart, Light, so maybe you’d like to help with them. If you have some time between your studies, of course.”

The beat of Light’s heart stuttered like a butterfly stopped in time. Working on a case? He took a long sip of coffee to hide the excitement welling up in his expression.

His father had never invited him to participate in something so adult with a not insignificant air of masculinity surrounding it. The police force, his father’s department, was a locked room with a handle that Light’s hands slipped on when he tried to turn it. All those men with their backs turned to him, only acknowledging him in passing “what a smart girl” comments that made Light’s palms grow slicker with a panicked sweat. Yet here was his father, holding the door open and telling Light to come inside.

“I do.” His voice cracked and Light winced at the horrible little peep. “I mean. I can make time.”

“Your help would be appreciated.” Reaching across the table, his father patted Light’s hand. “I know you’ll do well. You’ve always been good at figuring things out.”

The solid weight of his father’s hand on his sent a fidget through Light, but he remained still. He couldn’t jeopardize the good will he was being offered. Instead, he grew a soft smile with no teeth showing—perfectly harmless.

“Thank you, Dad,” Light said. “I won’t let you down.”

[sakurauchiha2018]

A Little Faith

Here’s the first update of the week! Thank you to everyone that has left positive feedback, it means a lot and it makes my heart happy. This chapter may be a little longer than the last. I got carried away *scratches back of head*

Chapter 1

Monday morning comes too quickly and I find myself scurrying around my bedroom trying to find the appropriate outfit for my first day. Part of me is tempted to ask my mother for help but knowing her I’d be stuck in another dress. Huffing I pull out a pair of dress pants and a flowing white shirt, this is the best I can come up with running on minimal sleep. Last night I finished getting the hospital numbers together. It’s just one last thing to worry about before my meeting on Friday.

My shoulder length hair curls softly at the ends as I inspect myself in the mirror. I’ve never been one for personal appearance but for the first time I feel self-conscious about myself. Impressing my father isn’t my main concern, I just want my employees to see me as a professional instead of a young kid. Rolling my eyes I grab my heavy purse and make my way down the stairs, the weather outside seems beautiful as the sun comes pouring into the entryway. My mother smiles up at me and all nerves go out the window.

“Here’s your folders, I have an important appointment but once I’m finished I’ll be there for the meeting. Your father already left, but we have a gift for you.” She pulls a small box from the pocket of her dress pants and I furrow my brows in confusion. They’ve already named me Vice President, what else could they give me? My hand shakes as I open the lid to see a key fob with a small ribbon tied to it. As the realization hits me, my heart begins to beat faster and I can’t help the childish smile that forms on my face.

“It’s parked out front. You’ve earned it Sarada, now hurry or you’ll be late for your first day.” Crushing my mother in a tight embrace before I run outside to see the new gift. Uncle Itachi, Papa and I went to a car show not too long ago where they introduced the new R8 and the way all three of our eyes lit up was priceless. It feels like Christmas as I open the door to sit on the soft fabric. My contacts are already displayed on the screen, a squeal of delight fills the car. The engine roars as I exit the long driveway and make my way into the heart of downtown.

Pulling into the parking garage I see my name painted on the wall beside my father’s, heat rushes to my cheeks as I put the car into park. On either side of Papa’s spot is mine and my mother’s but that’s not what causes me to blush. It seems Papa decided to get himself a new present as well, while my car is a deep red he’s opted for the pure black model, typical Papa. Scooping all of my items into my arms I make my way to the elevator in a rush, Mama was right I’m almost late on my first day.

I spent too much time this weekend working on a new concept for our company and trying to find ways to improve our numbers. Talking with Mitsuki really did help and I was able to come up with a decent plan but I have to have full support of the others before it goes into motion. I watch as the numbers count up with each passing floor, my heart hammering in my chest. I’ve been to this building so many times but those were nothing compared to this. Almost all of the staff know who I am but as their boss’s little girl. The machine stops moving and I suck in a deep breath, at least this floor is reserved for the CEO and the VP’s so there won’t be too many eyes on me.

Straightening my back, I walk out with a little more confidence than I should and I’m face to face with my father. A huge smirk is on his face but it slowly fades into nothing as I follow behind him. I look around and don’t see anyone else in their offices, it seems it’s only my father and I for the time being.

“This is your office and you need to start looking into a personal assistant. Our first meeting is at 10:15 sharp.” This is a side of my father that I’ll have to get used to. Yes at home he’s stern and strict on promptness but he’s never used this tone before. A shiver runs through my spine as I nod slightly before I’m locked in my office. The walls are bare and the only objects occupying the large space is a white wooden desk with a matching bookcase, two chairs and a center table between them. I’ll have to have help getting this organized the way I want. Dropping my folders and purse on the desk I lean back and take everything in.

Papa’s words echo through my mind, find a personal assistant. An idea pops into my head and I fumble through my purse to find my phone. Dialing the number quickly I nervously wait for the other end to answer.

“About time you called me Sarada!” The voice scolds me but I can’t help but laugh at the childish tone.

“Sorry Cho-Cho it’s been a crazy weekend. Are you still looking for a job?” I remember her saying that she was trying to find a desk job, this would be perfect. After all she’s my best female friend and we work well together.

“Huh? Yeah why?” Perfect! Giggling into the phone I can just imagine her annoyed face.

“It’s a long story but can you be at the Uchiha Corp. building tomorrow at eight sharp? Be sure to dress properly.”

“I always dress properly! I’ll be there. Tell Mr. Sasuke that I said hello.”The phone clicks and I place the device down. Since our meeting is almost two hours away I make an escape from my office and run into Uncle Itachi, who seems to have overslept this morning by the looks of his eyes. Politely nodding at him he ruffles my hair and instantly my cheeks redden at the affection. Patting my hair down to an acceptable manner I nudge him with my elbow.

“Will you walk with me to the research floor?” The question comes out timid. I need to meet with my employees soon so we can begin the assignment due at the end of the week. The door next to mine opens revealing my father tightening the red tie.

“I’ll go with you. There are a few things I need to take care of.” Itachi motions for me to follow my Papa and at first I’m reluctant to follow but I need to learn to work under my father. Inside of this building we aren’t father and daughter, we are coworkers working towards a common goal which is the success of our company. The short ride to the research devision is silent and the air around us is thick with unspoken words. My body aches for me to voice my idea but I know that everyone will need to be informed on the execution if it’s to work properly.

“Follow me.” Doing as I’m told, we exit the elevator and my eyes go wide. In the center of the floor is a computer hub with at least 15 people working on different projects. On the north side of the room are conference rooms that are no doubt filled with more employees and technology. But what really grabs my attention in the white boards lining the west side, they are filled with numbers and prediction equations that make my heart flutter. During college rooms like these were my bread and butter, I can work numbers the way my mother heals broken bones.

“May I have everyone’s attention.” My father announces as we move into the center hub, all eyes are on us and I feel myself shake at the attention.

“As you know, I’ve taken over as CEO of Uchiha Corporation. With that there has been some restructuring as well, my absence left an opening for Vice President of Research and Development. After weeks of consideration we’ve decided to fill the position with someone well qualified. Sarada Uchiha will be the acting VP over this division, any questions will be directed to her. Also, there is a new assignment that is due by the end of the week.” My father finishes his speech and walks over to another man that doesn’t seem much older than I am. Clearing my throat I’m approached by two men, a skeptical look on their faces only irritate me more but at least I know one of them.

“Mr. Nara, it’s so nice to see you. I thought you were Naruto’s advisor.” The merger just took effect so why is he already here? We haven’t decided which areas to cut.

“Same to you Ms. Uchiha, I am but I figured I might as well get the tour. Sasuke told me last night that you would be overseeing this area, congrats it’s a tough job.” His words are kind but I also feel weight added to my shoulders.

“What is Shikadai up to these days? I haven’t heard from him since finals.” It’s a lie, just two nights ago I was out with him. I just want something to fill the awkwardness between us, I watch as his brows raise before a laughter comes from him.

“Still lazy, but he gets it honestly. It was nice catching up but I really should be going. Naruto will be arriving in a little.” Excusing himself, I’m left alone in the hub. I push against the rim of my glasses and lean further in so I can see the small numbers displayed on the large screen. A shiver of joy runs through my body as I see the positive numbers, good we’re off to an amazing start.

“Sarada, meet Konohamaru. He will be the project manager for this entire floor. Any new projects will be sent to him and he will ensure they are being conducted.” It takes me a moment to recognize him, he’s a few years older than me and I’ve seen him around the building during my summers of interning here. I offer him a kind smile as I shake his hand.

“There’s a project that I need done by the end of day Thursday. Do you think they can handle it?” Wiggling my brows at him, I place on hand on my hip as I observe him. He seems to be radiating with confidence but he also seems to be a kind person just by aura.

“These researchers are the best of the best. Whatever you need, you’ll get it.” There’s a tint of cockiness in his voice and I see my father’s features falter for just a moment and give me the ‘Did you really ask that’ look.

“I want the entire break down on Uzumaki Technology, as well as Leaf General, Suna General and the Children’s Clinic. With each I want two calculations, take out five investors out of the equation for one and for the other leave it as is. It’s due by five pm on Thursday.” I let my cockiness get the better of me as I let my instructions come out. If these guys are the best then this should be nothing for them, even if I already have most of the medical divisions numbers. By the look of my father’s face, he’s surprised at my boldness.

“Consider it done Ms. Uchiha. I’ll need to gain access to each company’s database.” Oh I forgot about that but we should be able to gain access easily.

“Already taken care of. The information is being downloaded as we speak.” Papa says cooly before making his exit from the conversation, no doubt making his way back to his office. I still have an hour before I need to return to grab my notes, might as well walk around and see what they are working with.

Konohamaru takes his leave as well and I’m left staring at the hub once again. For the first time in a long time I feel like I belong, making my way over to the white boards I see how detailed and accurate they are. Hn, they may just be the best of the best which I’ll need to pull off my idea.

I wave goodbye to Konohamaru as I make my way to the elevator, after a long discussion over the details I’m already mentally exhausted but now I have a meeting. This will be my first big step out of my comfort zone. How do I address my parents? Should I just wait to see how they all speak to each other first? So many questions run through my head I don’t even notice the doors open and I’m already back to the top floor. Now there’s a receptionist sitting at the large desk, a scowl on her face and I can’t help but return the gesture. No doubt she’s another one of my father’s fan girls. Opening my office I can’t help but gasp when I see my mother placing flowers on my desk.

“Oh hi Mama, I mean…this is harder than I thought.” She giggles at my childish antics and I can’t help but feel embarrassed. She’s changed into an outfit similar to mine except now she’s wearing bright red heels.

“We need to decorate and your Aunt Ino says hello. What’s harder than you thought?” A questioning look shines in her eyes. Might as well get it off my chest, she may be able to help me.

“I’ve never had to be professional with any of you. How do I address everyone? I can’t call my CEO Papa during a business meeting.” The rant leaves me breathless and flustered. All morning I’ve been trying to get grounded to handle this meeting, I even woke up an hour early because of my nerves. Laughter echoes through my office and tears are forming in my mother’s eyes.

“Sarada, if you call your father anything other than Papa or father he will have a heart attack. He may seem up tight today but he’s just as nervous as you are. To us, you’re still our little girl in pigtails running through the house.  Just refer to Naruto and Itachi by their names, as for me I really don’t care if you call me Mama or Sakura.” Her smile instantly soothes me and her words make my heart swell. Deep down I’ve always been a daddy’s girl, we have a special bond. One that’s different than the one I have with my mother. I love them just as much but I’ve always craved his approval more.

“Thanks Mama.” Her smile shifts into a playful one as she offers me my laptop, files and phone. A puzzled look for a over my face as I take the items.

“Rule number one, always be at the meeting before your father.” She straightens her hair down flat and takes the lead carrying a large briefcase. My mother didn’t raise me to be intimidated, not even by my own father. Following her lead, I look over my phone and see a few missed text.

‘Boruto- Good luck today! See you at lunch.’ He can be sweet when he really tries. Boruto has idolized my father since we were children, always wanting to be just like him. Maybe I can convince Papa to let Boruto intern here or have an entry level job.

‘Uncle Itachi- Don’t let your father intimidate you. You’re more than qualified for this. See you in the meeting.’

My uncle’s words help and I enter the large room right behind my mother. Our seats are marked by name plates, looks like I get to sit next to Uncle Naruto today. At least he can have a little fun during these meetings, I’ve heard stories that he likes to go off topic just to make my father frustrated. A woman with bright red hair comes walking out and looks over my mother with disgust. My father’s personal assistant has been a nuisance for as long as I can remember, I wish my father would get rid of her already.

“I was sent to see if either of you wanted coffee.” She all but scoffs at my mother. Her eyes haven’t even bothered to turn and inspect me.

“Thank you Karin. I think we are both fine for now.” My mothers sweet tone has a dangerous hint to it. I’ve heard her use the same tone towards Uncle Naruto before she decked him square in the jaw for being an idiot. Smirking I watch as she exits the room mumbling about ungrateful woman and other obscene words. Tapping my fingers across the dark wood I hear the door open again and in come the three men. Before my father makes his way to the head of the table, he stops at my mother and places a kiss on the top of her head. A deep blush sets across both of our faces, these moments were rare and each time I witness them I can feel the love between them.

“Thank you for the gift Anata, you didn’t have to.” She whispers as he walks away. It’s my fathers turn to smirk at her bashfulness.

“I wanted to Tsuma. Only the best for my girls. Now let’s begin.” It seems that my mother has a new vehicle as well. Rolling my eyes at my father’s words, I open the folder in front of me. It seems they’ve already been working on a way to restructure without cutting too many jobs. It says that the Uzumaki building will be sold and this building is going to undergo remodeling to accommodate the new capacity.

“As you can see there have been decisions already made, Naruto and I agreed to buy the building next door and have the two connected via bridges. The designs are in the back of the folders.” My father takes a sip of his coffee and I see Mama quickly flip through to look at the details.

“It seems that you two have outdone yourselves again. When will the construction be finished?” Mama can’t help but laugh at their impulsive decision, but yet again these are the top two on charge.

“It should be done in six months, for now all of my employees will be working from home and coming into the office only when needed.” Naruto grins while he speaks, I cut my eyes to the side to see a large grin. Even in a business meeting he can’t be serious. All of my worry was for nothing.

“We still need to consider our potential losses and gains with this merger.” Itachi voices his concern and I can’t help but clear my throat.

“I’ve been thinking about that this weekend. Now I don’t have all the numbers at this moment but I do have the Medical Branches. Looking at the numbers, we can stand to lose Danzo as an investor.” With each passing word I feel myself grow more confident and I take pride in the research that I’ve already done.

“How so Sarada?” My full attention turns towards my father and there’s a ghost of a smirk at the corner of his lips, it’s now or never.

“If we were to allow more intern positions in the hospitals and clinic then we could gain more exposure to possible residents. I’ve spoken with a waiting intern and his father, they would gladly pick up any slack we were to lose from cutting out Danzo. They just want us to be able to expand the educational department in each facility.” The other night when I met with Mitsuki I spoke with him on the status on his internship. We’ve known Mitsuki since grade school and my mother worked alongside his father in her studies, as well as Grandma Tsunade. The silence in the room is nerve racking as I look at my father’s stern face. Too afraid to tear my eyes off of him, my heart is hammering in my chest and I want nothing more than to take back everything I just said.

“Who is this intern and father?” I hear my mother ask and I turn to look at her, a glint of interest is in her eyes. Swallowing roughly, I clear my head.

“Mitsuki is currently on the waiting list. Orochimaru and I spoke this weekend, he’s a supporter of your hospitals. I even spoke with Tsunade too, both have agreed to support the decision.” Grandma Tsunade is the one who taught Mama everything she knows, she’s practically my third grandmother and I adore her. Orochimaru is a little out there but his medical knowledge is amazing. It’s almost like he’s a walking textbook.

“Hn. When will you have all the numbers ready?” My head whips over to my father and his trademark smirk is plastered on his lips.

“Friday morning.”

“We’ll make a decision then but it sounds like a solid plan. Sakura what do you think?” All eyes are on my mother who seems to be deep in thought with the suggestion.

“I’ll need to think about it and personally speak with Tsunade and Orochimaru. Our internship program does need to grow so we can educate the next generation that will work in our hospitals.” They all seem to be on board with my idea, good. My body relaxes into the chair and I hear Naruto laugh beside me.

“It seems we’re done for the day. I don’t think Sarada can handle any more intensity.” I glare over to my uncle, but he’s right. For now I just want to hide in my office or go eat with my distracting boyfriend. A chuckle comes from the eldest Uchiha and I relax even more.

“Till Friday.” Uncle Naruto jumps from his seat and rushes out of the room with his phone, probably calling Aunt Hinata. Another blur of blonde enters the room and I see Boruto take his father’s seat. For the first time ever he’s early for something. My mother stands from her seat and is gently escorted out by my father, his hand planted firmly on the small of her back. Another rare moment.

“Seems like everything went well. What would you like for lunch?” He chuckles before planting a sweet kiss on my cheek. Heat flushes my face, every fiber of my being hopes that Papa wasn’t able to see the small display of affection. Thank goodness he’s already gone.

“Let’s go to the café across the street.” I lean in and smack my lips against him before making my escape from the room. Laughing as I cross the tiled floor, clicks of my heels echo and I see the other’s watching us from Papa’s office. All of them have a heartwarming smile on their lips.

As the elevator doors close, my phone buzzes in my hand.

‘Papa- Good job today.’

“Told you. You worry for no reason.” An elbow jabs me in the ribs softly and I push back with slightly more force. A stupid smile is on my face as we exit through the main lobby of the building. Before we can exit through the doors, his hand stops me and I can’t help but look at his blue eyes.

“You know I love you right?” The blush on my cheeks just gets darker and I can’t help but push my glasses up in nervousness. He always says things just to fluster me. I push him slightly and make my break for the door.

“Yeah, yeah…I love you too.” Giggling as we exit into the busy street, I never let go of his hand. I can’t believe he just told he loved me for the first time in the lobby of my job, he can be an idiot sometimes. But I guess he’s my idiot.

Once again, I’m dedicating this story to @kairi-chan! 

[myjourneytoux]

Where’s Bethany?

A few months have passed since my last update.  With my last blog post, we were in the throes of Snowpocalypse Valentine’s Day weekend here in Texas with intermittent heat and electricity.  I had just launched my research study a few days before but not obtaining much feedback from my volunteer participants. One of my ideas while ruminating through typing my last post ended up having a good result; I was able to get the founder of the organization to allow me to provide two $25 gift cards to encourage our participants to drive action.  (Lesson learned; make the simple 10 minute investment worthwhile to participants!).

I also had personally begun interviewing in February for a UX Strategy role at my current company and continued networking as well, which lead to another job lead internally.  While neither panned out, the UX Strategy role in particular was a huge blow to my confidence. I began questioning whether or not I should pursue UX as I kept getting to the final stages but ultimately didn’t have the related experience or right skills.  When pivoting into a new career, it’s not easy to have the experience up front. The feedback was too general and not truly helpful, thus I felt pretty helpless and rudderless.  Honestly the image I kept seeing of myself was being a small boat stranded in the middle of an ocean. It took a good two weeks for me to pick myself up off the ground and trudge on.  I knew I couldn’t focus appropriately on my UX research without making sure I was ok first.  So I put that project on pause, updated my client, and was thankful for her kind understanding.

I found a book, You Turn by Ashley Stahl, that helped really bring clarity to my situation. Within the first 10 pages, I underlined these 3 nuggets that gave me that fire I needed to get back to it.  

“I realized my experience had nothing to do with my capability, that I wanted to be more, have more, and do more.”

“(People) don’t want to take leaps in their career because they think they have “little experience,” but that’s a story many of us buy in to in order to stay small.”

“...when you feel fear in a situation that’s otherwise good for your growth, do it anyway. It’s a muscle you build.”

Failure happens. I get it. With two failed interviews back to back, it was a huge blow to my confidence. I needed these words to find the wind in my sails and reset my direction, my career, in UX. 

Since then, over the past month, I’ve made some amazing strides:

1) I was contacted by an individual in our group: Teaching: A Path to L&D who noticed I was working on UX and wanted to learn about my process. During our conversations, I decided the best thing for the both of us was to have her join me on my UX project. Rachel will be a great asset but this project will catapult her learning in UX as well. I’m looking forward to learning together and bouncing ideas off of one another.

2) I synthesized the UX research collected. It took awhile to figure out all of the cool metrics that Optimal Workshop pulls together. I have to be honest, I’m a data nerd but the stats were overwhelming.  Again, I’m teaching myself EVERYTHING so this took a bit of time to digest and figure out what actionable next steps needed to occur.

3) I provided a recommendations report to my clients (the director and founder of Teaching: A Path to L&D and the Social Media Manger).  I obtained feedback on the actions to take as well as obtained insights about new areas to focus on for round two of user research.

4) I solicited for another round of participants last week and within two days, already had 19 volunteers of 25 desired.  I enticed them with the opportunity to receive one of two $25 eGift cards to be raffled once the study is concluded. (Money talks!).

5) I began what’s been the most fun part of the process so far, wireframe prototyping! I put together my first sketches and linked them together on the Pop app to do some quick and easy moderated testing.  My partner, Rachel, works with teachers and can use our mockup as a way to test whether the new path is intuitive. You can find my first attempt here and my first wireframe sketches below.

6) And of course, I got back on the proverbial horse and submitted my application for HubSpot’s  AUX Rotational Program last month.  I restructured my resume (I’ve had 4 resumes in 5 months; always be iterating!) and submitted my cover letter.  Last week, I received a notification that I was being moved forward to their video interview round.  Here we go again! I submitted my responses last Friday and am eagerly checking my phone for updates.  I have a sense of validation now in all that I’m doing isn’t for nothing. Someone sees my self-directed learning in UX as valuable. They recognize my drive, that I’m all in. I’ll work a full day as a recruiter, then log on at 6p until midnight crunching away on my UX project. I’ll wake up and wish I could get back to where I left off.  The desire to do something that is extremely gratifying is what keeps me going.

So that’s where I’ve been for the better part of two months. I’m definitely on a path now to finalize this project for TPLD by the end of May. As for HubSpot, if I am moved forward to the third round of interviews, I’ll be ready. I’ll take this info I’m learning and apply it to my interviews. But if I don’t make the cut, I won’t be deterred. I will get there. It may not happen within my targeted time frame but in time. And that’s all that matters.

Until then, I keep moving forward.