#and i’m just so tired from work socially which sounds so lame but is true

[ushiwhore]

Contentment pt.2

Tendou x Reader , Ushijima x Reader

Warnings: Curse Words. Angst -> Fluff. 

Word Count: 6,828 

Tendou isn’t an idiot, he can tell something has changed between you two. He can't pinpoint exactly what it is, but what he does know is that not having you around sucks. It also sucks to see you with someone else.

Read the first part: click me!

Getting over Tendou Satori was a tedious process. You couldn't hate him for not returning your feelings - that he was painfully unaware of - but you had to avoid him in order to allow yourself to focus on other things.

The first few weeks, it wasn't too hard to slip out of his sights and sneak off to your classroom or the library in order to avoid sitting with him, his girlfriend, and Wakatoshi.

You'd give some lame excuse as to why you couldn't stay long, and he'd nod, too focused on some story his girlfriend was telling them about the time she stole Y/N's crush and best friend away, something like that. Or well, that's all you heard whenever she opened her mouth.

It hurt seeing him disregard his bestest friend’s absences, preferring to give some girl who hesitated to enter a relationship with him more attention and care. 

You wouldn't have hesitated, you dully noted as you walked off to your classroom, as had become routine.

It was today in particular that there was a change to said routine.

You sat at your desk, slowly eating your food due to lack of appetite. You were usually lost in thought, arguing with yourself on whether or not you should be avoiding Tendou like this. He was still your best friend after all, but you also needed time and space to heal. Heal from wounds he'd made unknowingly.

Your train of thought was interrupted when a tall figure took a seat at the desk beside yours. You looked up, a small smile melting onto your confused expression when you saw it was Wakatoshi.

"Toshi- Hi."

"Hi. I hope you don't mind."

"Not at all- Did something happen?"

"I was getting kind of tired of listening to her talk about her personal problems."

You let out a small laugh at how blunt he was being. It was true. The girl tended to overshare. If you ever stayed for lunch, it sounded like she was reading out her autobiography.

"She just.. likes sharing stuff since she trusts us." You said softly, looking down at your food and picking at it. Your path to contentment meant supporting their relationship, and both of them individually.

"She can share it with Tendou then. Is it okay if we have lunch together from now on?"

You smiled at that, pleasantly surprised. "Of course, Toshi." As you watched him take out his own lunch, you let out a small sigh. "Sorry for making you pick."

His confused expression told you to continue, so you did. "Making you pick which friend you want to hang out with. Y'know, me or Satori. I just.. I want to support him, but I need to heal first. I promise you things will go back to normal once I know I've gotten over him for sure."

"It's fine. Plus, it's better to hang out with you. Satori's too focused on his girlfriend to pay me any attention."

As he should, you thought. He seemed to be a great boyfriend. Even if he wasn't your boyfriend.. he was still great. But then again - he should still pay attention to Toshi (and you). He shouldn’t have to pick between his lover and his friends. It was probably weird for Ushijima as well, not having Tendou around all the time. You understood how he felt, but decided not to voice any of this.

You both began to eat your food, enjoying the comfortable silence. The kind that eased your thoughts and allowed you to just breathe.

The silence would be broken here and there when you two would talk about your days or a particularly hard assignment a teacher had left. Or perhaps practice and the newest episode of the show you were watching. It all felt easier whenever Wakatoshi was around.

°•°•°•°•°

No matter how long it had been since the bathroom incident where you swear you had your awakening, it’s still so so so so difficult and exhausting.

Seeing him in the hallways or on your way to class was tough. It was tough cutting the conversation short. It was tough not talking to him about what happened on the latest episode of the show you two loved to watch on his couch/bed as you cuddled and ate snacks. Friendly cuddles, of course.

Sometimes, you'd find yourself thinking about how it felt whenever he'd have his arms wrapped around you, giving you the warmest cuddles. Whenever he let you borrow his sweaters because it was cold and he couldn't let his little Y/N get sick! Or whenever he would walk you to your dorm, hands intertwined and gently swinging back and forth. Study dates sessions where your eyelids would get too heavy and you’d rest your head on your textbook. Just for a few minutes, you’d say. And then you’d feel his fingers gently playing with your hair, massaging lightly and making you almost purr at the contact. 

These thoughts were invasive, and they’d squeeze into your brain at the worst moments. Whether it was cold outside, you saw a couple walking down the street, or you saw him. 

It all hurt so much. Your brain wouldn’t stop hurting you, no matter how hard you tried to forget. Sometimes, you’d be sitting at your desk, giving your phone the deadliest glare, waiting for the screen to light up with a message notification from him. But for a whole month, that message you yearned so badly never came. 

Tendou’s absence in your day to day life was bittersweet. It was sweet since it meant that you didn’t have to see him or his girlfriend together, it meant allowing yourself to heal and get over him. However, it was also bitter since that man was your BEST FRIEND. He was such a huge part of your days. It felt weird not hanging out even for a few minutes. 

He was happy though, if his social medias were anything to go by. She made him happy, and that’s all that mattered. A small sigh escaped past your lips as you scrolled past yet another post of them on their 5th date of the week. You scrolled back up after a few moments. Zooming in, you could see how genuinely happy he looked. 

That’s the smile I love so much. She's putting that smile on his face. They are happy. Although it takes a few more moments to process, it still has a wonderful feeling settling on your chest. Contentment. 

Seeing them together makes those thoughts go away. Makes you stop missing his embrace because.. it just feels wrong. To crave a man’s touch, especially one who does not belong to you. Seeing Tendou with someone else feels like a cold bucket of water thrown at you. It’s sobering. Makes moving on just a tiny little bit easier.

°•°•°•°•°

If you want to heal, don’t just stay cooped up in your room. Go out and get some fresh air, have fun. 

That’s what Wakatoshi told you during one of your many shared lunches.

Ushijima was trying his best to squeeze you into his schedule, even if you were both often busy. He had practices, and you had work. 

But whenever you two had a day off, you’d meet up and go see a movie, or go eat at this new restaurant you both wanted to try. Or just meet up to talk.

Not only did it help get your mind off Tendou Satori, but it was also quite fun to be around Wakatoshi. 

“Why are you doing this?” You asked absentmindedly, and quite bluntly, as you watched him buy some snacks for you two. 

“Why am I doing what?” 

“Hanging out with me so much. Is it.. are you trying to help me get my mind off of him?” 

He turned around, handing you a few snacks before shrugging. “I like hanging out with you. Thought we were having fun. But well, yeah, I am.” 

A small blush creeped onto your cheeks as you took the snacks. “I like hanging out with you too.. but thank you Toshi. It really is working, and I’m.. I’m really thankful for your help.” 

He smiled a bit at that, reaching over and softly patting your head. The simplest touch, yet it still had shivers running down your spine. 

“I’m glad I could be of help. I just want to see you back to your cheerful self.” 

“Thanks again, Toshi.” You didn’t hesitate to pull him in for a hug. He was so warm, and he made you feel so safe. 

A small ‘oof’ escaped his lips from the sudden pull, pleasantly surprised by this. Though it took a few seconds, he still managed to hug back. 

It’s a shame though. A real shame. Maybe if your face hadn’t been buried in his chest, you would’ve seen the prettiest blush take over his features.

°•°•°•°•°

“How are you feeling?” 

His deep voice brought you back into reality. You two had been studying together in the library after classes since you both had the day off. 

“Really good, actually. I’m finally understanding these problems. This much knowledge is making my head hurt though.” 

“We should stop here for today then, since we’ve basically caught up on all assignments.” He paused after closing his textbook, “I wasn’t talking about the homework though.” 

You tilted your head a bit, giving him a confused look as you put your books away as well before realizing what he meant. He was asking how you were feeling in regards to Tendou and the whole moving on thing. It made you feel warm inside, that he cared enough to check in and make sure you were okay.

It made you all mushy inside because you knew he wasn’t the best at talking about feelings/emotional things. He was getting out of his comfort zone for you.

“Oh - Well.. I’m feeling really good about that too, actually. All thanks to you, Toshi.” You gently nudged him with your arm as you stood up and put your backpack on. 

“I’m glad you’re doing well, Y/N. You deserve happiness.” 

His kind words always managed to make you get all emotional, because well - it was coming from the one and only Wakatoshi. 

“You deserve happiness too, Toshi.” You said as you waited for him to stand as well. “How are you feeling?” 

He stood, putting his backpack on before walking over to where you were. His lips curved into a tiny smile. 

“I’m feeling really good too.” 

It wasn’t hard, at all, to return the smile. You stood smiling at each other for a few more seconds before he finally lead the way over to your dorms. 

It wasn’t unusual for him to walk you back to your dorm whenever he could. Those walks would usually include a lot of small talk or comforting silence. 

This walk wasn't any different. When you two finally made it to your door, you turned to look at him. “Thanks again, Toshi. I’ll see you tomorrow.” You smiled before waving and unlocking your door. 

“Ah, Y/N.” He called out, making you turn to look at him. “I was actually wondering.. or well. We have a game coming up. Would you perhaps want to come?” 

Funny story, actually. Throughout your friendship with Tendou, you surprisingly hadn't gone to that many volleyball games. It was inconvenient, but your boss seemed to always have you scheduled whenever he had a game. Of course, you’d been to a few, but usually could never make it. You’d cheer for him all the way from work. 

“When is it?” 

“In two days.” 

You simply nodded, “I’ll have to check my schedule.. but I’ll let you know, Toshi. Thank you for inviting me.” 

After you closed the door, you immediately grabbed your phone and texted your manager. They were always giving you weird, rarely consistent schedules, so you never knew what to expect. However, you’d try your best to attend. Your screen lit up with the notification that told you you’d be busy in two days. 

You frowned, but quickly replaced it with a witty smile. You’d try to convince them to give you the day off once you got to work tomorrow. After all, they weren’t irrational or assholes. They would be understanding, or so you hoped.

°•°•°•°•°

You never told Wakatoshi whether or not you’d be able to come to his game, mainly because you weren’t really sure. 

However, it had taken just a tiny little bit of begging for them to give you the day off. You were a hard worker and they really did appreciate you, so giving you that day off didn't hurt them or their business nearly as much as you’d thought. 

Now, you were walking into the gym where they’d be playing their match today. You felt quite excited, to be honest, since this was the first game of theirs you’d seen in a while. To no surprise, the crowd was huge, ranging from Shiratorizawa’s cheerleaders to the school’s band as well, along with a lot of students who were beaming with pride. 

It was an atmosphere that hyped almost everyone up, except the team they were playing, of course. You imagined it would be quite intimidating to hear hundreds of people cheering for Shiratorizawa while trying to serve, or doing warmups. 

Both teams were already doing their warm ups, so you focused on finding yourself a seat. It wasn’t long before your eyes landed on Tendou’s personal cheerleader. You flinched a bit as you heard her call out your name. You had secretly been hoping that you’d slip out of her sight and just get to sit elsewhere. That clearly wasn’t an option anymore. 

A small sigh escaped your lips as you walked over to where she was sitting. You watched as she scoot over, patting the now empty space. You took a seat and gave her a small smile. “Hi.”

“Hi! I didn't know you were coming.” Your eyes immediately fell to the sweater she had on. Tendou’s. 

“Yeah, well, I wasn’t sure if I’d make it.” You said, unable to take your eyes off the sweater. She must’ve noticed because she gently pat the spot you were glaring staring at. 

“Ah, Tendou gave it to me since I was cold. He's such a sweetheart. But well, it’s nice to have someone else to watch the game with.” She said with a small smile. You let out a small laugh and nodded in agreement. She was about to start talking when you heard a familiar voice approaching. 

“Y/N????” 

You couldn’t help but freeze. Of course he’d be here, he was in the team as well. You slowly turned to look at Tendou. His eyes were wide and he had the biggest smile on his face. It must be surprising to see your best friend at one of your games, you thought, especially after not talking to them for over a month. 

“You actually came to one of my games? Awesome! You came to cheer me on, didn't you? How lucky am I?!” He let out a happy laugh, as he finally stood in front of the two of you. You opened your mouth to speak, but nothing came out.

How does one explain that you were here because Ushijima had invited you, and not because you wanted to see Tendou. Without being rude, of course.

Before you had the chance to respond, Ushijima appeared behind him with a small smile. 

“Y/N. You made it after all.” 

You smiled back, “I did. Sorry for not telling you sooner. Thought it’d be nice to surprise you.” 

A confused look took over Tendou’s face, but it didn’t take long for him to understand what was going on. You weren't there to see him. You’d come to see Wakatoshi. 

As you smiled at Toshi, you could feel Tendou’s gaze burning a hole into you, and tried your best to ignore it, turning to him and giving him a small smile instead. 

His gaze didn’t falter, but he did smile back. Ushijima gently pat his back, “Let’s get back to warm ups.” 

He nodded, “It’s nice seeing you again, Y/N.” He said before giving his girlfriend’s hand a small squeeze and jogging after Ushijima. You bit at your lower lip, unable to stop thinking of the deadly gaze Tendou had been staring at you with. Was he upset? I mean - that would make sense. He probably felt like a clown since he had assumed you were there to see him. That made you let out a small laugh, basking in the fact that Tendou might feel the way you’ve felt for months! A clown, a whole circus.  

Of course, it hurt seeing his confused expression replace his usually happy expressions, but it also made you feel better. It was bittersweet. It was a taste of his own medicine. It was--

“So.. you and Ushijima, eh?” 

You blinked, staring at the girl that sat beside you. “What?” 

“Oh, y’know. Are you guys a thing?” 

Before you could even comment on that absurd thought - it was absurd because you hadn’t even thought of Toshi in that way - she was already speaking, basically thinking out loud. 

“I mean, that would make a lot of sense.. you stop hanging out with us, and suddenly so does Ushijima? Aww, you two must be spending lunches together~ How cute.” 

Your mouth kept opening and closing, unable to form a single word. She took your silence as a sign to keep talking. 

“Also, you came to the game to watch and support him, eh? It’s like.. I’m Satori’s personal cheerleader and you’re Ushijima’s cheerleader!” She said with a huge smile on her face. 

You.. dating Toshi? The thought had never crossed your mind. But now that the possibility had been presented to you, you knew you’d be thinking about it tonight as you lay in bed. 

“I-I’m not..” you still couldn’t form a proper sentence. “We’re not..” 

“It’s okay! I won’t tell Tendou.. I’m guessing that’s why you also stopped spending lunches with us? A secret relationship.. don’t want to hurt your best friend by dating one of your mutual friends. Your secret is safe with me. I get it!” 

No you fucking don’t, you wish you could say that, but you were still too stunned to even speak. You cleared your throat, attempting to explain but she was already looking over at the court, cheering for Tendou Satori as the teams walked out and lined up. 

He deserved that type of support, he deserved someone who could actually be out here for all his games. Not someone who would send little encouraging messages before their shift. Messages that probably did nothing to hype him up. No, he needed someone to be out here, screaming his name and cheering as loud as they could. 

You closed your eyes for a few seconds, trying your best to stop these negative thoughts from affecting the rest of your night. Once you had opened your eyes, you looked for Toshi, wanting to shout out your own words of encouragements. 

°•°•°•°•°

The match had been a rollercoaster of emotions. It hadn’t been the typical Shiratorizawa match, where they had crushed their opponent. They had actually put up a fight up until the very end. But their effort hadn’t paid off since Shiratorizawa took the win in the end anyway.

It had also been quite stressful since you could feel two different pair of eyes on you, and they both made you feel different emotions. 

Whenever Wakatoshi’s eyes were on you, you’d smile and wave, trying your best to cheer him on. Your thoughts would always go back to the conversation with Tendou’s girlfriend. Whenever Tendou’s eyes were on you, you felt guilt and goosebumps, but also really giddy. It was all so confusing, and you felt so much happiness once the match finally ended. 

 When the crowds began to exit the building and it was okay for you to approach the team, you walked over to Ushijima and Tendou with his girlfriend. 

“Congrats Satori!! You did amazing, baby!!” She happily wrapped her arms around him as she jumped up and down. You stared for a few seconds before his eyes met yours, making you look away. 

“Congratulations, Toshi. It was so entertaining seeing you out there in your element, you did really good!” You smiled, before looking over at Tendou again, who still had his eyes on you, no longer hugging his girlfriend.

“..and Congrats to you too, Tendou. It was nice to finally see you out there again.” 

He smiled softly at your words, opening his arms and pulling you into a quick hug. 

There it was. The touch you had craved so much. You hugged back for a bit but pulled away soon after, smiling back at him before turning to Wakatoshi. 

"Shall we head back to the dorms now?"

He gave you a small smile, nodding. The exhaustion was clear now that he was up close, but he still managed to look so pretty.

You broke away your gaze and walked outside with Wakatoshi, Tendou and his girlfriend following. As soon as you stepped outside, you couldn't help but shiver at the strong wind that hit all of you, welcoming you back to reality.

It was quite clear that you were cold, and Wakatoshi didn't hesitate to take off his sweater and drape it around you. The heat that rushed to your cheeks, along with his sweater, seemed to warm you up instantly.

Your eyes met Tendou's girlfriend's gaze, and she simply smiled, her eyes screaming I TOLD YOU SO, YOUR SECRET IS SAFE WITH ME.

That conversation had honestly messed you up. You were now hyper aware of everything Toshi did whenever he was around you. Any kind acts he did, such as this one, had you burning up at a concerning speed.

"Thank you, Toshi.." you said, looking down and gladly wrapping his sweater around you to take in all the warmth. It smelled like him too, and that oddly helped you calm down even more.

Throughout all of this, Tendou simply stood and stared, so confused as to when exactly you and Ushijima had gotten this close. Since when did you wear his sweaters? Since when did you ever go to volleyball games instead of going to work? Since when did Y/N and Ushijima ever talk like this? It was all too much to take in. Especially when you two excused yourself, and Ushijima was walking you to your dorm.

"Aren't they cute?" His girlfriend said with a soft hum as they both watched you walk away.

"Huh? Who?"

"Y/N and Ushijima, silly. Who else?"

"Oh."

"Ah. Walk me home, silly boy! It's getting cold."

It indeed was getting cold. He blamed the cold weather on the fact that his joints felt stiff, and he felt this random pain in his chest at the sight. He'd felt that pain earlier when he found out you weren't there to see him.

Had it really been that long since you two had talked? Had it been long enough for you to find a replacement for him? Ushijima, of all people?

You two were doing the things Tendou used to do with you. You would wear his sweater, you would make an effort to come to his games. That was something you two did. That was-

He felt a small hand intertwine with his and lead him away from the gym, and towards the girl dorms. Much to think about. He knew he had new material to overthink about tonight.

°•°•°•°•°

You were laying down on your bed with Wakatoshi's sweater wrapped around you, eyes closed as you thought about everything that had happened over the past month. Conversations you'd had with certain people.

Ushijima Wakatoshi. A sweetheart who had been there for you to comfort you and cheer you up while you cried over Tendou Satori. Your best friend who had a girlfriend and clearly did not return your feelings.

Ushijima Wakatoshi. A friend, that you were perhaps starting to see as more than just a friend. Screw Tendou's girlfriend for getting the stupid idea into your head in the first place. It had been a week since that conversation, yet you couldn't stop thinking about the What Ifs.

No matter how much you thought of Wakatoshi, you couldn't help but worry that this was a distraction in order to pretend you didn't have feelings for Tendou anymore. You were sure you did. A crush on Tendou Satori isn't something you get over so fast. But you perhaps also had feelings for Ushijima.

The thought alone made you blush and bury your face into his sweater, taking in the wonderful scent that was Ushijima Wakatoshi.

It took a few more outings for you to confirm your feelings for Wakatoshi. Ranging from having lunch or dinner with him, to spending time at each other's dorms and just doing domestic things together. It all reassured you that he wasn't a rebound and that you weren't using him to get over Tendou.

There was one last step to contentment. Not feeling bitterness, but rather happiness when seeing Tendou, with or without his girlfriend.

One day in particular, you watched as he walked her to her dorm, hand in hand, smiling happily with each other. There was a small smile on your lips at the sight. And the only emotion other than happiness was sadness. You missed Tendou. As your best friend. Not as a love interest. You missed your best friend.

You figured you'd get him back soon, since you had finally gotten over him, and now had your eyes set on someone else, Toshi.

Your heart began to beat just a little faster at the thought alone. But it began to beat faster at the thought of having Tendou back in your life as well. Everything is going to fall back into place. Soon.

°•°•°•°•°

Although you had been hit with yet another awakening moment, you still hadn't reached out to Tendou. And much to your dismay, neither had he. Which made it just a little bit easier to not feel guilty.

In regards to your newfound feelings towards Ushijima, you hadn't done anything about it, yet. You had been waiting for the right moment.

You were currently at his dorm, sat on his bed listening to him rant about how Goshiki had taken his desire to be like him a little too far. Apparently the first year had been trying to beat out Toshi's spikes, and ended up hurting himself in the process. You let out a small laugh as Toshi playfully rolled his eyes at the memory.

"The kid thinks you're perfect. Isn't it kind of flattering that he wants to be like you so much? You're his role model, Toshi." You hummed, quietly admiring as he seemed to be deep in thought.

"Well, it is flattering, but I don't want him to get hurt in the process. He can't be an ace if his wrist is sprained."

"You make a valid point, Toshi." You continued to quietly stare, and it didn't take long before his eyes were on you as well. He raised an eyebrow when you didn't look away, and you simply chuckled.

"What-? Do I have something on my face or..?"

He was gently patting around his mouth and cheeks, trying to feel around for anything.

The action made your lower your gaze to look at his lips. This didn't slip past him, but now he was painfully aware that the atmosphere was.. different.

It had been this way for a week or so, and it always sent shivers down his spine whenever things got too tense, unable to really do anything about it in fear of scaring you away.

You quietly stared at his lips, naturally a cute shade of pink. Once you tore your gaze away, you found him staring at you, gaze just as intense as your own. You gulped, suddenly starting to feel rather shy.

You sat up properly, now sitting directly in front of him. He didn't move away or anything, that was a good sign. You gently cupped his cheek, caressing it gently, another quick check for consent. It was now that you finally noticed the pretty blush that covered his cheeks. It was a sight you wished you got to see more often.

Maybe now you would.

With a bit of hesitation, you leaned in. It didn't take long for him to meet you halfway. Once you were actually kissing, it felt like a huge weight had been taken off your shoulders. It felt like finally letting out a breath you had been holding. His lips were soft, just slightly chapped, and the kiss was nice and slow. You were both trying to figure out what the other liked.

It wasn't long until you felt his hand on your waist, asking if he could bring you closer, which you gladly obliged with. The kiss slowly became more and more intense. You could feel the longing as he pressed against your lips with his own, maybe he did feel the same after all. No shit.

Kisses with Ushijima were soft, slow, yet passionate. They could also be intense, messy, and could cause a pool to form down there. They could also be interrupted by a tall redhead that wanted to ask his dormmate for some help with a certain friend. Wait what-?

You pulled away as soon as you heard the familiar voice, quietly trying to catch your breath, and trying not to freak the fuck out.

"Ushi I need- what the fuck?? Y/N???"

Toshi wiped at his lips and chin to seem more presentable, also looking over at you to make sure you were okay. You couldn't meet his gaze, extremely embarrassed and you couldn't help but feel guilty.

"I'm sorry, Satori. I should've locked the door." Toshi said, as if walking in on your friends making out was something that was completely normal and happened at least twice a week.

"I'm- since when the fuck were you guys a thing? Y/N what the fuck? Seriously? I-" he couldn't even form a proper sentence, too stunned by what he'd just seen. But most importantly, it hurt. It hurt so much and he didn't even know why. Though he might have an idea.. but it wasn't exactly pleasant.

".. I'll let you two talk?" Wakatoshi said as he stood, you hesitantly reached for his hand, not sure if you could face him yet, but his eyes gave you all the reassurance you needed, so you let go of his hand, watching as he walked out of the room, closing the door behind him and leaving you alone with Tendou.

Neither of you spoke at first, but it didn't take long for Tendou's curiosity to force him to speak. "Since when?"

"Since when what?"

"Since.. since when were you guys a thing?"

You didn't know. Since a few minutes ago, you supposed. "This is the first time I kiss him. I'm not sure.."

"Why have you been avoiding me?" His tone sounded so hurt, but you didn't dare to look up at him. You were hurting too. He hadn't reached out to you either.

"It's not like you tried to reach out to me either. I figured you were too busy with your girlfriend to want to interact with me."

"I could say the same thing about you. You're too busy kissing Toshi's ass to even talk to me. You think I don't see you avoid me in the hallways? Don't think I see you slipping away from my grasp, sneaking off to classrooms so you don't have to hang out with me?"

"Then if you saw it all happen, why the fuck didn't you do anything about it?"

You finally looked up, anger in your tone, but tears were threatening to spill and leaving a stinging sensation in your eyes. He seemed at a loss for words, and he hesitated before responding.

"I.. I don't know." He admitted, feeling his own eyes welling up with tears. "Fuck. I don't know, Y/N." His fists were clenched out of frustration. He didn't know why he was so angry, he knew he was at fault too. It wasn't just you.

"Me neither, Tendou." Your plain response made him fume even more.

"Why didn't you tell me you were into Ushijima? Why'd you have to distance yourself? I wouldn't have hated you for it. Why did you have to put our friendship at stake, Y/N? Do you know how long its been since I've had a proper fucking conversation with you?"

He was ranting at this point, breathless as he made accusation after accusation.

"I didn't like him before. This is all new to me, Tendou. I didn't mean to put our friendship at stake. I just couldn't fucking stand hanging out with you when.. when she was around."

Your response caught him off guard. He stared at you incredulously. "What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

It was embarrassing, having to admit your feelings, but you had already let it slip out.

"Y/N? What the hell?"

"I liked you, Tendou. When you asked me to help you get with her, I liked you. And it hurt so much, but it didn't matter that I was hurting because I knew if you got the girl, you'd be happy. That's all I wanted. But once you actually got the girl, it hurt too much. Watching you do with her what you did with me. Watching you kiss her and hold her hand. I couldn't stick around to watch it without slowly falling apart myself."

Letting it all out had you feeling like another weight was slowly being taken off you shoulders. He looked so confused, taken aback by the new revelation of your feelings, something that had been unknown to him for multiple months now.

Knowing you felt that way towards him made his chest hurt. It made him feel extreme guilt for making you play along. But it also made him love you even more, because you'd done all that just because you knew he'd be happy in the end.

He resonated heavily with how you felt, watching him do what you two used to do, but now with his girlfriend. He had felt that when he watched you and Ushijima slowly getting closer, and now actually sharing a kiss.

"That's why I distanced myself. Because if I didn't, I'd break, Tendou. It hurt so much. But.. I finally got better. I'm finally getting better. Wakatoshi was there for me, he taught me how to get over you and heal from my unrequited feelings."

"Y/N I'm so sorry."

"Let me finish Tendou.. please." He simply nodded, no longer able to hold back any of his tears as he listened to you talk. You weren't able to hold them back either.

"I used to find it difficult to see you with her, but now I feel genuine happiness. It makes me happy that you're happy with her. And.. I miss you, Tendou. Not as a love interest, but as my best friend. I miss you so fucking much."

A sob escaped your lips at the confession, you tried to stop but you couldn't. You had finally let it all out. You felt a strong pair of arms wrap around you, and you recognized that embrace to belong to your best friend.

You were both sobbing now as you held each other tightly. Both for different reasons. You were afraid of losing him because of everything you'd just confessed, which explained the tight grip you had on him. The tight grip he had on you could be explained as a fear of losing you too, or more like the realization that he'd lost you before he even had you.

His feelings for you, that he was painfully unaware of prior to a few weeks ago, had grown only to be crushed by the realization that he was too late. You had actually moved on now. He'd lost his chance with you, but it didn't have to all end. He missed you too. So much. And though he was sure he had romantic feelings towards you, he knew it also was heavily driven by jealousy and fear of losing you to Wakatoshi.

But a new revelation, the revelation that you didn't have to pick and neither did he, gave him hope for your friendship.

"I missed you too.. so much, Y/N. I'm so sorry for being such a shitty friend. Please forgive me. I love you so so so much. Please.." he sobbed quietly as he held you. You simply nodded, unable to speak without your voice shaking and being interrupted by sobs.

"I.. I forgive you, Satori. Please forgive me too? I could've definitely handled things better.."

He shook his head, hating the fact that you still felt guilty. "You did nothing wrong, Y/N. But I forgive you. As long as you forgive me, and you tell me that we'll be okay. That I won't lose you because of this."

"You won't ever lose me, Satori. You're stuck with me forever, remember?"

He smiled at that, eyes welling with tears all over again. "You're stuck with me forever too. You're not getting rid of me so easily."

That made you laugh as you hugged him even tighter. "I wasn't planning on it."

Your shoulders had been freed of any excess weight that had been putting you down over the past few months. You had finally reached Contentment. For real this time.

You were able to stare at Tendou and feel only platonic love for him. You were happy for him and his girlfriend, who clearly made him happy. You were happy with someone else now. Someone who had been there for you for the longest without you even realizing it. Someone who deserved the world and the stars, and you'd be willing to provide it for him.

You had your best friend back, you had told him the truth. There was no secrets or any grudges held towards each other. And you had a lover now.

Contentment. This is what it really felt like.

°•°•°•°•°

You were sat back at the lunch tables where this had all started. Ushijima at your side, and your best friend across from you with his girlfriend.

Happiness, is the only thing you felt as you leaned your head against Toshi's shoulder and laughed at a story Tendou was telling, his girlfriend adding in commentary here and there that only added to the humor of the whole story.

She was lovely, and so pleasant to be around. You figured it was your jealousy that had made her seem so unpleasant back then. But now all you felt was euphoria. You had everything you could've ever wanted.

You had Tendou back, you had a new friend that you could talk about almost anything with, and you had Toshi.

Your life was filled with the same jokes, the same hugs and nights where you'd binge watch multiple seasons at once, accompanied by your best friend and multiple snacks. Full of a happy Tendou that you got to support more often now.

Your life was filled with a familiar face in different classes, someone you could talk with about anything. Full of a supportive girlfriend, perfect for your best friend. It sucked that it had taken you so long to realize that.

Your life was filled with a loving companion. Soft kisses, the warmest cuddles, the most attentive and caring boyfriend. Full of hand holding, sweaters, hugs, and support. You couldn't have asked for a better boyfriend. Wakatoshi was literally perfect.

Life was bliss.

It was obvious for Tendou that you were happy now. He watched as you laughed at his jokes, an overwhelming feeling of pride flowing through his chest. He watched with a small smile as Toshi gently cupped your cheeks and pressed the softest kiss onto your lips. Watched as your eyes fluttered shut and the blush invaded your cheeks. Watched as the electricity flowed through you, the attraction between you two quite obvious for anyone nearby.

He might have been late to realize his own feelings for you, but the only thing that mattered now was that you were happy with how everything had ended. And he was happy too. He had an amazing girlfriend, and two amazing best friends that were happy together.

Maybe in the next life, if there was any, he'd meet you again and he'd realize his feelings sooner. Maybe in the next life, he'd have an actual chance with you. But for now, in this life, he'd be happy just being your friend.

Contentment.

A state of contentment has finally been reached by both parties. This is what contentment really feels like.

A/N: Hello!! Okay first of all.. this is really long, I’m so sorry- I got carried away. Second of all, THANK YOU SO MUCH for all the support I received in the first part. I didn't expect all that support (if any, really) SO thank you again <3 Third of all, it took me so long to put this out because I read this Tendou x reader fic and I felt so guilty because poor baby Tendou deserves love and I’m going out of my way to write angst?? It didn’t sit right with me. But here you go! I really hope everyone (especially those who asked for a part 2, I hope I didn’t disappoint) liked this! Thanks again for all the support. 

Taglist: @missalienqueen (I’m SO sorry lmao I LIED about Tendou fluffy ending kinda </3 forgive me. @nim-rose !! These are the people who asked me personally to tag them, so if you’d like to be tagged next time, just let me know!

[twstheadcanons]

This is a lore question and a slightly specific one. Cater as a character and otherwise is super interesting to me but at the same time insanely confusing. While at first I thought he would end up having maybe slightly abusive family there's a possibility that's not the case. His sister's seem to enjoy dolling him up and his mother seems to go along with it and his father's a bit more absent. I think I would mainly like to know what his true self is truly reflecting and also if Trey seems to know about this 'true version'. Don't feel pressured to anwser this if you can't btw ❣️

Cater fans come get yall’s food.

S, iideally I’d go through events Cater’s prominent in (Beans Day, Halloween), but that would just make this whole post longer.  So I’ll be using Cater’s card stories for now.  What we know about Cater, on the surface level, is that he comes across as happy-go-lucky, energetic, social, trendy, superficial, flaky, and insensitive at times.  But that’s Cater on a surface level.

So for Cater, his major issues from his background are:

his family frequently moving to accommodate his father’s occupation as a banker

his sisters dragging him into their own interests that he was expected to accommodate as well

Cater repeatedly states he disliked getting dragged around by his sisters and having cutesy stuff he wasn’t genuinely interested in shoved into his face.  This would even happen on his birthday, where his sisters got him things they’re more likely to enjoy, which made Cater feel frustrated since he was supposed to be the focus on his own birthday.  But despite that annoyance, Cater understands his sisters didn’t really mean any harm.  From the sounds of it, they liked hanging out with Cater, and assumed that Cater enjoyed how they spent time together as well since Cater preferred to go with the flow, rather than rock the boat.  

In his Bday SSR, Cater mentions that his sisters became more considerate of his own interests and asked him what he wanted.  All three coming from a family where they move and lose close friends a lot, the sisters are probably close and want to stay close to their brother as well, since they’re the only consistent company in a similar age range.  His sisters are each other’s best friends, Cater didn’t have that growing up.  He also mentions his sisters and mother’s sweets-making kick, and how he eventually got over having sweets every day.  But when he protested, it’d disappoint and sadden them/they’d have dejected looks on their faces, which Cater didn’t know how to handle, so he made himself go along with their whims to keep them happy.  

This pours into his social media life, where he’s a peppy, cheery guy that posts upbeat content and responds with light, casual, carefree messages to people.  His Lab SR literally has him state that he ‘should always be happy and excited, after all’.  So, clearly, whatever dynamic the Diamond family has, while not what I’d call something as heavy as abuse, isn’t considerate of Cater’s feelings and views Cater’s ‘go with the flow’ ways as approval.  If he ‘breaks character’ of the devil-may-care person he is on the surface, it raises questions, and Cater would rather just avoid all that and enjoy himself instead of getting involved in anything heavy.

Again, Cater doesn’t like to rock the boat.  He also mentions in his Lab SR that this obsession with cutesy stuff became rather invasive, and he’d even be criticised or second-guessed if he didn’t go along with the idea.  Cater ends up accommodating that interest to prevent any debate, even if he didn’t actually care for them.  That said, with such an emphasis on aesthetics being the way he grew up, Cater has a good understanding and practical knowledge of decour and eye-catching designs, which makes him helpful and invaluable when the time calls for decour.  This is something Cater knows he’s good at, and enjoys showing off since the focus is on himself and he’s acknowledged for his skills.

With their family moving all the time, Caters gained and lost friends a lot.  Cater has an outgoing personality, at this point, it’s safe to assume he’s an extrovert, so making friends comes naturally to him.  But when you’re moving a lot, maybe sometimes in the middle of a school term, .  Cater needs engagement and social interaction, but at this point in his life, he’s tired of trying to keep up with old and new friends on deep levels, hence his interest and obsession with social media.

One thing to note about Cater: he likes cutting corners.  a lot.

In his R card “Portrait of Rosalia”, it’s understood that Cater being nice to Rosalia by throwing her a party with some lively students around is a way for him to get on her good side, because Rosalia overhears the teachers’ discussions of tests and future lessons so that he wouldn’t have to study for an upcoming history test: while Cater’s idea of a party to lift Rosalia’s spirits is in good nature, he wants something out of it that benefits him.  But while disappointed the plan didn’t work, he’s quick to brush it off, and Rosalia’s anger, by mentioning that she’s cuter when uptight anyway.

In his PE card “This betrayer!” Cater only have five laps left to do in PE.  But he hates how sweaty he is and how tedious the overall task is.  So he uses his UM to try and avoid doing all five laps himself.  Riddle catches him red-handed, and Cater tries - albeit I’m sure he knows it’s a lost cause - to flatter Riddle at the last minute.  Trey’s also involved, and despite leaving Cater in the dust, Trey also returns with Riddle, because Trey knows that Cater’s the type that tries to cut corners whenever possible, something against the rules in Heartslabyul.  Honestly, as far as Trey goes, Trey’s someone used to the way Riddle holds himself back.  Cater’s exterior personality wouldn’t be hard for Trey to recognise as Cater pushing himself or exaggerating points of his personality just to keep up an image. especially after being in the same dorm for three years.

In short, while he isn’t malicious about majority of the time, Cater will use others to get out situations and tasks he wants no part of.  This is a huge thing reflected in his UM, as it allows Cater to be in more than one place, so that he personally doesn’t have to be involved.  Growing up with two pushy older sisters, it makes he develops a UM that complements a need for escape when pure wit won’t work.  And despite being someone with a superficial interest in trends, that experience accumulates in him understanding the basics about social media and how it affects others, himself included, since it became the only way he could stay in contact with acquaintances and ‘friends’ from previous years. 

 Cater has a good understanding of how people, in general, work, especially those in his agegroup, which makes him rather crafty when he wants to string others along and get out of a situation.  This doesn’t make Cater a mean or conniving person, and in fact, he’s generally amicable and social.  Cater lives by a pretty ‘live in the moment’ credo.  He enjoys having fun and not getting overly serious about issues when he can help it.  There are instances where he doesn’t care about the situation he’s in, or thinks it’s lame/boring, but he tries to make the most of it as something to post about on MagiCam later to engage in low-effort social interaction for a mental break. 

Cater pretty much states this in his Halloween SSR:

“If I left there, they remained there. That’s why I’d rather have a casual and happy time with everyone instead of going steady. It’s like a circus troupe, you know, having fun hanging with people all over the world and then leaving. And that’s why MagiCam is the best. I suddenly got messages from acquaintances from the school I went to 3 years ago. Aren’t my casual and light relationships multiplying? It’s lovely! “

Social media helps him keep in contact with people on a low-effort level, so the risk of moving doesn’t damage his relationships online like it would physical friendships.  As for family, Cater’s feelings towards his family are difficult, tricky ones he has problems with.  He certainly doesn’t hate them, but their lifestyle, the moving and pushy personalities, don’t mesh well with Cater’s personality overall.  When Lilia tries to relate to Cater’s experiences of fleeting relationships, Cater can’t help but dismiss Lilia’s empathy as surface-level, since, to CATER’S knowledge (it’s not like he knows Lilia’s old as shit), Lilia’s always lived in the VoT with his own family and friends, which hits a sore spot with Cater:

““Cater: ….Family…huh.

Flashback Lilia: I feel like I understand you. But it is just as Cater says, it might be the truth that you should not attach yourself too much to one person in particular.

Flashback ends Cater: (That was full of lies. For a guy who grew up in the same place and never had to deal with rebuilding relations over and over… He wouldn’t understand my worthless and meaningless feelings.)

/Notification

Cater: Hello, Trey. What’s up? Huh? Are we doing our rehearsal for our night show at the stamp rally now? And is Deuce from my committee lacking in hands, so Ace is helping him out? Darn, Ace is definitely going to use this to ask me for a favor later!

Cater: Argh! And is Riddle on the verge of a rampage? I’ll be back soon, Trey, please calm him! It was such a pain getting involved in the biggest crisis of this Halloween week! No, for real! I’m not lying. That’s why you don’t have to say such cold things to me, kay? URGH, TREY, YOU’RE SO CRUEL!!

Cater: Now that Diasomnia’s turmoil has settled, it’s time to change the mood. No matter how you slice it, we’ll still separate if we become 4th years… It would be different if I repeated a year though. Anyway, I should just enjoy the memories I’m making “now”! I’ll surprise everyone with this charming skeleton costume! I’ll show them my serious side!”

Cater calls his own feelings ‘worthless and meaningless’, which likely ties into how he got dragged into his mother and sisters’ own interests over his own, and sometimes even criticised if he didn’t go with their flow.  He also expects the friendships he’s made in NRC (as we see with him talking to Trey about the rest of the Heartslabyul cast), to inevitably disappear after he and Trey are fourth years with their own internships and lives to live.  Because to Cater, the future of his life and relationships appear disruptive and inconsistent, so instead of fretting about them, he wants to live in the moment and enjoy what he’s doing at all times, hence why he cuts corners to make things easier on himself.  This is why he can come across as superficial and easy to get along with, because he doesn’t want to fret over the details.

unrelated but we’re team ‘former dorm leader cater’ here because him doing it because it sounds cool and fun fits perfectly with his personality

[shadowdianne]

Since I'm not totally evil and now that I'm back in front of the computer I'm just going to copy-paste the first 1k or so of what I had written. It's not edited and considering the notes I've erased for this version but the original one has I was still working through plotholes and worldbuilding. The coding of the archive suggests that it was an informal prompt made by a friend -the titles of the things that were inbox prompts were codes for me to know at which bach they were linked to but this one has only the one I reserved for mutuals or friends so I could properly tag them even if the prompt had been sent via, dunno, whatsapp or the like but I have lost the word document I had to know which number represented which mutual so, dunno, friend, if you happen to see this hi xD

Anyway, I'm not going to finish it but if anyone wants to know the original lines of the prompt (looking at you, @yaminoendo, @italymystery-swanqueen ) things were like this:

If anyone recognizes this as something I finally got to publish -dunno, I truly cannot remember if I did but considering that it's not finished if I did it was under some other storyline- tell me so I can try to find the damn link and make another post about it.

Word reached the town’s inn in a slow night, the kind of nights Emma had learnt to dread as much as the ones in where she was unable to have a respite. And so, as rain poured outside and only a selected few patrons battled against the storm that flagged the lands around the wood and stone made houses in order to get a drink from Granny’s, she found herself rising her eyebrows as one of the Lost boys nodded vehemently, fingerless gloves doing nothing to prevent the boy from almost sticking his hands into the dim fireplace the old woman had asked both Ruby and Emma to keep an eye on.

“To keep the sorceress at bay. One never knows with this storm.”

Emma had bitten her tongue at the words: she knew magic was real; had seen the occasional wizard, the kind of one that traveled from town to town, promising magic and dreams to whomever that paid them in silver or a place to stay but Granny’s sorceress; the ones that roamed the forest at night, the ones who vowed to the moon and soil, were just the stories one would tell to children. Children barely younger than the one who, still shivering, put his hands beneath his armpits, rolling his shoulders as the soaked coat he wore, the one with Pan’s colors, remained stuck to his scrawny frame.

“She gave us a piece of gold each.” The boy repeated for the umpteenth time ever since he had come barreling into the inn, soaked to the bone but sporting a toothy grin. “She told us to spread the word. I’m not joking!”

Emma sighed and offered the boy one of the few sips of wine that they still had from the merchants that had passed by the month before last. Despite it being acrid the boy took the small vase and drank it all, smiling at her with his eyebrows raised, some color returning to his cheeks. She was about to offer him some bread when the owner of the inn herself tutted at him, eyes severe.

“Hasn’t the woman already suffered enough? It’s not nice to lie, Nibs.”

The boy opened his mouth, ready to defend himself if the sudden rage on his eyes was anything to go by and Emma sighed inwardly at the moment as she casted a glance around the inn, at the ones who were not-so-subtly listening to the conversation. Sometimes, times like this, she truly felt tired of the gossip-hungry citizens. Always trying to learn about the next detail, the next piece of information they could all later on share, make bets on. The scent of dampened wood and greasy food grounding her as she found Ruby’s eyes at the other end of the place, she shrugged minutedly, asking for the lanky brunette’s friend. Not like she wasn’t able to tackle the woman’s grandmother but Granny had been, and would always be, the kind of person one didn’t want to get on the bade side of.

And she was truly grateful the woman had let her in after last years’ flood.

Ruby bit down on her bottom lip and tilted her head to the right as she placed yet another pint in front of Leroy. The short man was probably the only one who wasn’t pretending to not be listening to the conversation, his glazed eyes trained on both Granny and Nibs and Emma almost smiled a little at that. Placing her hands on the counter, letting the three-quarter sleeves of the cloth she wore rile up on her forearms, she leveled her gaze with Nibs, silently asking him to just let the subject drop.

The boy, however, was still a boy, and he didn’t listen; his pride affronted.

“I’m not lying!” He replied, shaking his head while doing so. “Widow Mills told us that if anyone was able to open the door with the key she would…” He halted there, cheeks reddening and Emma heard Ruby bit back a laugh as the brunette approached the front of the tavern. The Lost Boys were a group of orphans that no one had taken in aside from the small group of women that worked relentlessly under Blue’s orders but they weren’t shy to sex or how it worked. It was interesting seeing Nibs so tong-tied in front of Eugenia, angry or not.

“… marry them.” The boy finished, lamely, but Emma, just as she had had at first, didn’t catch any lies on his words. Despite them being, probably, slightly edited.

And that, despite her best intentions, made her feel interested. Which was something she was purposedly trying not to be.

Widow Mills was the kind of woman that brought attention wherever she went: not new to the town her wealth, her house, close to the end of the town, bigger than any other else and always guarded by a big black cat, helped on cultivating an air of mystery around her. The kind of one that would usually make many spit behind her, muttering words they thought would protect them after she waved and kept on with her day.

And yet, despite that, she was also the woman many thought on trying to get her to remarry, the news of her late husband known and shared within the same walls Emma was currently surrounded by. It was strange, interesting, how the woman seemed to have finally decided to play the game Storybrooke citizens were so adept at; get others to marry. If what Nib was saying was true.

And Emma had the feeling that it was. As shocking as it could sound.

“I guess it’s cat-hunting season then. Isn’t that right, sis?” Leroy’s crude smirk made Emma clench her jaw and say nothing, even when the town’s drunkard eyed her, hoping for someone to reply to his comment but finding very few who seemed open to the idea.

Albeit, the blonde thought as she turned and busied herself, she was fairly certain that within the hour the rest of the Lost Boys would manage to get the entire town known that the brunette woman living at the edge of town was waiting for a husband.

She didn’t exactly knew why that bothered her.

-.-

She had been right, of course, by the next night the town was abuzz with the story from the Lost Boys. The only real socialite the town owned, Kathryn Midas, had even passed by, sharing a few opinions she had on the whole thing. Opinions Emma hadn’t been there to listen to as she had been sent by Granny to run an errand no Lost Boy could tackle quickly enough but ones Ruby had later filled her in as they both readied the tavern for the night.

“Many think she is bluffing.” Ruby shrugged and shook her head as Emma listened to her, using a brief moment of respite to lean against the tavern’s southest wall. The one in where the fireplace rested, the residual heat from it warming the stone slabs of the floor around it and the wooden walls. “A cry for attention.”

“And you think that’s right?”

She tried to sound nonachalant but Ruby narrowed her eyes at her, mirth on her eyes, and Emma knew she had been caught.

It wasn’t, she battled against herself, that she was interested. Not in the same way she suspected others would be. She had barely shared a few words with the woman. It wasn’t like the brunette beauty often came to socialize to the inn.

But she had seen her, walking, buying herbs and other things. Always slightly away from others, the black and red from her clothes obvious as both a statement and a message. She wondered, briefly, while she grazed the mark on her wrist, the one left by broken vows of marriage, if the woman would wear another color next time she saw her. For some reason she couldn’t exactly picture that.

“Want to give it a try, Emma? Is that what this is about?”

Ruby’s voice brought her back from her reverie, the words her friend had just said made Emma narrow her eyes, spine straightening as she walked away from the wall just in time for Eugenia to walk in; stern-looking as ever.

“Don’t be stupid.”

But Ruby didn’t seem convinced. Not like neither of them were able to discuss it further as the old woman frowned at them before putting them both to work, the storm from yesterday already gone and the first round of thirsty villagers about to arrive.

-.-

During the next days many were the ones who arrived to the inn with scratches up their arms; muttering about cats and demons and far too many complicated schemes they couldn’t be bothered to try. Emma remained mute during those tales; silently serving drinks, dodging handsy miners that were the other source of income for the town and pretending she wasn’t entirely far too curious.

And, in a way, that feeling was what made her keep listening to the stories; unwilling to let go the promise of something different in a town she felt drowning her every day it passed.

[96harmony96]

Chapter 4 part 2

I threw myself into clubbing like it was going out of style. Cary and I bounced all over downtown clubs from Tribeca to the East Village, wasting stupid money on cover charges and having a fabulous time. I danced until my feet felt like they were going to fall off, but I toughed it out until Cary complained about his heeled boots first.

We’d just stumbled out of a techno-pop club with a plan to buy me flip-flops at a nearby Walgreens when we ran across a hawker promoting a lounge a few blocks away.

“Great place to get off your feet for a while,” he said, without the usual flashy smile or exaggerated hype most of the hawkers employed. His clothes—black jeans and turtleneck—were more upscale, which intrigued me. And he didn’t have fliers or postcards. What he handed me was a business card made from papyrus paper and printed with a gilded font that caught the light of the electric signage around us. I made a mental note to hang on to it as a great piece of print advertising.

A stream of quickly moving pedestrians flowed around us. Cary squinted down at the lettering, having a few more drinks in him than I had. “Looks swank.”

“Show them that card,” the hawker urged. “You’ll skip the cover.”

“Sweet.” Cary linked arms with me and dragged me along. “Let’s go. You might find a quality guy in a swanky joint.”

My feet were seriously killing me by the time we found the place, but I quit bitching when I saw the charming entrance. The line to get in was long, extending down the street and around the corner. Amy Winehouse’s soulful voice drifted out of the open door, as did well-dressed customers who exited with big smiles.

True to the hawker’s word, the business card was a magic key that granted us immediate and free entrance. A gorgeous hostess led us upstairs to a quieter VIP bar that overlooked the stage and dance floor below. We were shown to a small seating area by the balcony and settled at a table hugged by two half-moon velvet sofas. shepropped a beverage menu in the center and said, “Your drinks are on the house. Enjoy your evening.”

“Wow.” Cary whistled. “We scored.”

“I think that hawker recognized you from an ad.”

“Wouldn’t that rock?” He grinned. “God, it’s a great night. Hanging out with my best girl and crushing on a new hunk in my life.”

“Oh?”

“I think I’ve decided to see where things go with Trey.”

That made me happy. It felt like I’d been waiting forever for him to find someone who’d treat him right. “Has he asked you out yet?”

“No, but I don’t think it’s because he doesn’t want to.” He shrugged and smoothed his artfully ripped T-shirt. Paired with black leather pants and spiked wristlets, he looked sexy and wild. “I just think he’s trying to figure out the situation with you first. He wigged when I told him I lived with a woman and that I’d moved across the country to be with you. He’s worried I might be bi-curious and secretly hung up on you. That’s why I wanted you two to meet today, so he could see how you and I are together.”

“I’m sorry, Cary. I’ll try to put him at ease about it.”

“It’s not your fault. Don’t worry about it. It’ll work out if it’s supposed to.”

His assurances didn’t make me feel better. I tried to think if there was a way I could help.

Two guys stopped by our table. “Okay if we join you?” the taller one asked.

I glanced at Cary, and then back at the guys. They looked like brothers and they were very attractive. Both were smiling and confident, their stances loose and easy.

I was about to say, Sure, when a warm hand settled on my bare shoulder and squeezed firmly. “This one’s taken.”

Across from me, Cary gaped as Lauren Jauregui rounded the sofa and extended her hand to him. “Taylor. Lauren Jauregui.”

“Cary Taylor.” He shook Lauren’s hand with a wide smile. “But you knew that. Nice to meet you. I’ve heard a lot about you.”

I could’ve killed him. I seriously thought about it.

“Good to know.” Lauren settled on the seat beside me, her arm draped behind me so that her fingertips could brush casually and possessively up and down my arm. “Maybe there’s hope for me yet.”

Twisting at the waist, I faced her and whispered fiercely, “What are you doing?”

she shot me a hard glance. “Whatever it takes.”

“I’m going to dance.” Cary stood with a mischievous grin. “Be back in a bit.”

Ignoring my pleading glance, my best friend blew me a kiss and the guys followed him. I watched them all go, my heart racing. After another minute, ignoring Lauren became ridiculous, as well as impossible.

My gaze slid over her. shewore dress slacks in graphite gray and a black V-neck sweater, the overall effect being one of careless sophistication. I loved the look on her and was attracted to the softness it gave her, even though I knew it was only an illusion. she was a hard woman in a lot of ways.

I took a deep breath, feeling like I needed to make an effort to socialize with her. After all, wasn’t that my big complaint? That she wanted to skip past the getting-to-know-you stage and jump straight into bed?

“You look…” I paused. Fantastic. Wonderful. Amazing. So damn sexy…In the end, I went with the lame, “I like the way you look.”

Her brow arched. “Ah, something you like about me. Is that a general like of the overall package? Or just the clothes? Only the sweater? Or maybe it’s the pants?”

The edge to her tone rubbed me the wrong way. “And if I say it’s just the sweater?”

“I’ll buy a dozen and wear them every damn day.”

“That would be a shame.”

“You don’t like the sweater?” she was pissy, her words coming clipped and fast.

My hands flexed restlessly in my lap. “I love the sweater, but I also like the suits.”

she stared at me a minute, and then nodded. “How was your date with B.O.B.?”

Oh hell. I looked away. It was a lot easier talking about masturbation over the phone. Doing it while squirming under that piercing green stare was mortifying. “I don’t kiss and tell.”

she brushed the backs of her fingers over my cheek and murmured, “You’re blushing.”

I heard the amusement in her voice and swiftly changed topics. “Do you come here often?”

Shit. Where did that clichéd line come from?

Her hand dropped to my lap and caught one of mine, her fingers curling into my palm. “When necessary.”

A quick stab of jealousy made me stiffen. I glared at her, even though I was mad at myself for caring either way. “What does that mean? When you’re on the prowl?”

Lauren’s mouth curved into a genuine smile that hit me hard. “When expensive decisions need to be made. I own this club, Camila.”

Of course shedid. Jeez.

A pretty waitress set two pinkish-colored iced drinks in square tumblers on the table. she looked at Lauren and gave her a flirtatious smile. “Here you go, Miss. Jauregui. Two Stoli Elites and cranberry. Can I get you anything else?”

“That’ll be all for now. Thanks.”

I could totally see that she wanted to get on the pre approved list and I bristled at that; then I was distracted by what we’d been served. It was my beverage of choice when clubbing and what I’d been drinking all night. My nerves tingled. I watched her take a drink, swirl it around in her mouth like a fine wine, and then swallow it. The working of her throat made me hot, but that was nothing compared to what the intensity of her stare did to me.

“Not bad,” she murmured. “Tell me if we made it right.”

she kissed me. she moved on fast, but I saw it coming and didn’t turn away. Her mouth was cold and flavored with alcohol-laced cranberry. Delicious. All the chaotic emotion and energy that had been writhing around inside me abruptly became too much to contain. I shoved a hand in her glorious hair and clenched it tight, holding her still as I sucked on her tongue. Her groan was the most erotic sound I’d ever heard, making the flesh between my legs tighten viciously.

Shocked by the fury of my reaction, I wrenched away, gasping.

Lauren followed, nuzzling the side of my face, her lips brushing over my ear. she was breathing hard, too, and the sound of the ice in her tumbler clinking against the glass skittered across my inflamed senses.

“I need to be inside you, Camila,” she whispered roughly. “I’m aching for you.”

My gaze fell to my drink on the table, my thoughts swirling around in my head, a clusterfuck of impressions and recollections and confusion. “How did you know?”

Her tongue traced the shell of my ear and I shivered. It felt like every cell in my body was straining toward her. Resisting her took an impossible amount of energy, draining me and making me feel tired.

“Know what?” she asked.

“What I like to drink? What Cary’s name is?”

she inhaled deeply, and then pulled away. Setting her drink down, she shifted on the sofa and drew a knee up onto the cushion between us so that she faced me directly. Her arm once again draped over the sofa back, her fingertips drawing circles on the curve of my shoulder. “You visited another of my clubs earlier. Your credit card popped and your drinks were recorded. And Cary Taylor is listed on the rental agreement for your apartment.”

The room spun. No way…My cell phone. My credit card. My fucking apartment. I couldn’t breathe. Between my mother and Lauren, I felt claustrophobic.

“Camila. Jesus. You’re white as a ghost.” sheshoved a glass into my hand. “Drink.”

It was the Stoli and cranberry. I pounded it, draining the tumbler. My stomach churned for a moment, then settled. “You own the building I live in?” I gasped.

“Oddly enough, yes.” she moved to sit on the table, facing me, her legs on either side of mine. she took my glass and set it aside; then warmed my chilled hands with her.

“Are you crazy, Lauren?”

Her mouth thinned. “Is that a serious question?”

“Yes. Yes, it is. My mom stalks me, too, and she sees a shrink. Do you have a shrink?”

“Not presently, but you’re driving me crazy enough to make that a possibility.”

“So this behavior isn’t normal for you?” My heart was pounding. I could hear the blood rushing past my eardrums. “Or is it?”

she shoved a hand through her hair, restoring order to the strands I’d mussed when we’d kissed. “I accessed information you voluntarily made available to me.”

“Not to you! Not for what you used it for! That has to violate some kind of privacy law.” I stared at her, more confused than ever. “Why would you do that?”

shehad the grace to look disgruntled at least. “So I can figure you out, damn it.”

“Why don’t you just ask me, Lauren? Is that so fucking hard for people to do nowadays?”

“It is with you.” she grabbed her drink off the table and tossed back most of it. “I can’t get you alone for more than a few minutes at a time.”

“Because the only thing you want to talk about is what you have to do to get laid!”

“Christ, Camila,” she hissed, squeezing my hand. “Keep your voice down!”

I studied her, taking in every line and plane of her face. Unfortunately, cataloging the details didn’t lessen my awe even a tiny bit. I was beginning to suspect I’d never get over being dazzled by his looks.

And I wasn’t alone; I’d seen how other women reacted around her. And she was crazy rich, which made even old, bald, and paunchy guys attractive. It was no wonder she was used to snapping her fingers and scoring an orgasm.

Her gaze darted over my face. “Why are you looking at me like that?”

“I’m thinking.”

“About what?” Her jaw tightened. “And I’m warning you, if you say anything about orifices, preapprovals, or seminal emissions, I won’t be held accountable for my actions.”

That almost made me smile. “I want to understand a few things, because I think it’s possible I’m not giving you enough credit.”

“I’d like to understand a few things myself,” she muttered.

“I’m guessing the ‘I want to fuck you’ approach has a high success rate for you.”

Lauren’s face smoothed into unreadable impassivity. “I’m not touching that one, Camila.”

“Okay. You want to figure out what it’s going to take to get me into bed. Is that why you’re here in this club right now? Because of me? And don’t say what you think I want to hear.”

Her gaze was clear and steady. “I’m here for you, yes. I arranged it.”

Suddenly the threads the street hawker had been wearing made sense. We’d been hustled by someone on Cross Industries payroll. “Did you figure that getting me here would get you laid?”

Her mouth twitched with suppressed amusement. “There’s always the hope, but I expected it would take more work than a chance meeting over drinks.”

“You’re right. So why do it? Why not wait until Monday lunch?”

“Because you’re out trolling. I can’t do anything about B.O.B., but I can stop you from picking up some asshole in a bar. You want to score, Camila, I’m right here.”

“I’m not trolling. I’m burning off tension after a stressful day.”

“You’re not the only one.” she fingered one of my silver chandelier earrings. “So you drink and dance when you’re tense. I work on the problem that’s making me tense in the first place.”

Her voice had softened, and it stirred an alarming yearning. “Is that what I am? A problem?”

“Absolutely.” But there was a hint of a smile around her lips.

I knew that was a lot of the appeal for her. Lauren Jauregui wouldn’t be where she was, at such a young age, if she took “no” gracefully. “What’s your definition of dating?”

A frown marred the space between her brows. “Lengthy social time spent with a woman during which we’re not actively fucking.”

“Don’t you enjoy the company of women?”

The frown turned into a scowl. “Sure, as long as there aren’t any exaggerated expectations or excessive demands on my time. I’ve found the best way to steer clear of those is to have mutually exclusive sexual relationships and friendships.”

There were those pesky “exaggerated expectations” again. Clearly, those were a sticking point with her. “So, you do have female friends?”

“Of course.” Her legs tightened around mine, capturing me. “Where are you going with this?”

“You segregate sex from the rest of your life. You separate it from friendship, work…everything.”

“I’ve got good reasons for doing that.”

“I’m sure you do. Okay, here are my thoughts.” It was difficult concentrating when I was so close to Lauren. “I told you I don’t want to date and I don’t. My job is priority number one and my personal life—as a single woman—is a close second. I don’t want to sacrifice any of that time on a relationship and there’s really not enough left over to squeeze in anything steady.”

“I’m right there with you.”

“But I like sex.”

“Good. Have it with me.” Her smile was an erotic invitation.

I shoved her shoulder. “I need a personal connection with the men I sleep with. It doesn’t have to be intense or deep, but sex needs to be more than an emotionless transaction for me.”

“Why?”

I could tell she wasn't being flippant. As bizarre as this conversation must be for her, Lauren was taking it seriously. “Call it one of my quirks, and I’m not saying that lightly. It pisses me off to feel used for sex. I feel devalued.”

“Can’t you look at it as you using me for sex?”

“Not with you.” she was too forceful, too demanding.

A sizzling, predatory glimmer sparked in her eyes as I bared my weakness for her.

“Besides,” I went on quickly, “that’s semantics. I need an equal exchange in my sexual relationships. Or to have the upper hand.”

“Okay.”

“Okay? You said that really quickly considering I’m telling you I need to combine two things you work so hard to avoid putting together.”

“I’m not comfortable with it and I don’t claim to understand, but I’m hearing you—it’s an issue. Tell me how to get around it.”

My breath left me in a rush. I hadn’t expected that. shewas a woman who wanted no complications with her sex and I was a woman who found sex complicated, but shewasn’t giving up. Yet.

“We need to be friendly, Lauren. Not best buds or confidants, but two people who know more about each other than their anatomy. To me, that means we have to spend time together when we’re not actively fucking. And I’m afraid we’ll have to spend time not actively fucking in places where we’re forced to restrain ourselves.”

“Isn’t that what we’re doing now?”

“Yes. And see, that’s what I mean. I wasn’t giving you credit for that. You should’ve done it in a less creepy manner”—I covered her lips with my fingers when she tried to cut me off—“but I admit you did try to set up a time to talk and I wasn’t helpful.”

she snipped my fingers with her teeth, making me yelp and yank my hand away.

“Hey. What was that for?”

she lifted my abused hand to her mouth and kissed the hurt, her tongue darting out to soothe. And incite.

In self-defense, I tugged my hand back to my lap. I still wasn’t completely confident that we’d worked things out. “Just so you know there are no exaggerated expectations—when you and I spend time together not actively fucking, I won’t think it’s a date. All right?”

“That covers it.” Lauren smiled and my decision to be with her solidified for me. Her smile was like lightning in the darkness, blinding and beautiful and mysterious, and I wanted her so badly it was physically painful.

Her hands slid down to cup the backs of my thighs. Squeezing gently, she tugged me just a little bit closer. The hem of my short black halter dress slipped almost indecently high and her gaze was riveted to the flesh he’d exposed. Her tongue wet his lips in an action so carnal and suggestive I could almost feel the caress on my skin.

Duffy began begging for mercy, her voice drifting up from the dance floor below. An unwelcome ache developed in my chest and I rubbed at it.

I’d already had enough, but I heard myself saying, “I need another drink.

[alwaysahiccupandastrid]

Social Media AU - Social Killing (Part 24)

We’ll be taking a little closer look at the show itself next time...and we’ll see just how Richie’s performance is recieved by the fans 👀

I know the writing for the interview is small, so I’ve put the transcript below just in case anyone needs it!

Also, yes, I am in fact a giant moron who wrote that Social Killing was a weekend-show, and have only now realized that in the interview, it says “Wednesday night” because I wrote it like a month back and forgot I put that. Please pretend that the publication in charge of the interview got the wrong day, and that it is in fact Sunday nights!

----------

Our correspondent, Vincent Lewis, sat down with the main cast of the upcoming Hulu drama “Social Killing” this afternoon to learn more about the show, as well as what drew the cast to the project and what it was like to work together.

Vince: Hello, it’s wonderful to meet you all.

Riley Andersen: Aww, it’s nice to meet you too!

Vince: I can imagine it’s been a long day of press and interviews for you all.

Richie Tozier: Too long.

Jay B: It’s been insane to be honest. It’s unlike anything any of us have ever seen, I think.

Evan Harrison: Yeah, but it’s been fun too, in a weird way.

Vince: I’ll get right to it then. First of all, congratulations to all of you on the show, it’s been receiving rave reviews all around, and it looks like it’s set to be a hit.

Jay: Thanks.

Vince: So, can you tell us a little bit about the characters you four play? No spoilers necessary, just the basic so we know who’s who!

(All four look at each other and laugh)

Richie: I mean…

Evan: Ladies first!

Riley: (laughing) Geez, you guys are mean! Okay, so I play Hailey and she’s a cheerleader at Blackwood High, where the series is set, and she’s...complicated. She isn’t the stereotypical mean cheerleader you usually see in television shows, but she’s definitely not above doing what it takes for her to stay on top.

Vince: Interesting! Gentlemen…?

Evan: Okay, so I play Blake, who’s this kind of preppy, snobbish guy who went to boarding school but has transferred to Blackwood for unknown reasons. He knows pretty much all the town’s secrets since he comes from a rich family and so he kind of has his links everywhere in town.

Jay: I play Sean, who’s this beloved teacher at the school - all the students love him since he’s not stuffy or uptight. He’s kinda the cool English teacher who’s probably smoked a spliff with all his students at some point. But he has a double life that no one knows about, and he wants it to stay that way because he’s seeking justice for something that’s happened to him in the past few years.

Richie:...Oh shit, me. I play a guy called Ted, and he’s brand new to town because he’s looking for a new start after something super tragic happened in his past. So he takes the drama teacher position that just opened up, and he starts to realize that something is kind of off about the town - which, you know, is kinda understatement of the fucking century!

Vince: So everyone’s got a secret then…

Riley: Basically none of us can be trusted, that’s what you should know.

Vince: Now obviously, Jay, you’ve been working pretty consistently in the business since you were young - you would do Canadian kids DIY shows and Québécois dubbing, is that correct?

Jay: Yeah. God, how fucking lame is that?

Vince: No, no, I used to love watching those Canadian kids shows! But since becoming an adult, you’ve done all sorts - comedy, obviously, drama, horror, animation...so what led you to “Social Killing”?

Jay: Well, I mean, my agent sent me a script and I was like ‘holy shit this could be good’; then I saw that Richie fucking Tozier was getting involved and I was like ‘okay, drop everything, I have GOT to do this damn show now’.

Vince: Did you two know each other before doing the show?

Richie: I mean, kinda. He came backstage at some of my shows a few times, and I was like ‘this guy is fucking awesome’. He’s Canadian, so that’s why.

Jay: I’m a very proud Canadian, yeah. Sorry, America, but Canada is the greatest country in the world.

Riley: America sucks right now, so don’t apologize.

Jay: But yeah, I’ve always wanted the chance to work with Richie on something since he’s one of my favourite comedians, so this was a huge opportunity for me.

Richie: And then he actually met me properly and regretted that shit.

(All of them crack up laughing)

Vince: As I understand it, Riley, you’re not entirely new to the world of show business either, because before joining the show you were a dancer.

Richie: Wait, what??

Riley: Yeah, I was. I was a professional dancer.

Jay: Jesus Christ.

Richie: A fucking PROFESSIONAL dancer?!

Riley: Oh come on, you guys knew I was a dancer!

Richie: Not professionally! I thought you just did it for a hobby, not as an actual job!

Riley: Anyway...I danced back-up for a few people, did some background dance work on movies and shows, but this is my first time acting.

Evan: And she’s incredible at it. It’s amazing.

Vince: As I understand it, Evan, you’re also brand new?

Evan: Well, this is my first big role. I did some theatre for a few years, played some gigs at bars to get by, but this is what I really want to be doing. I was so excited when I got cast that I nearly started crying - it’s a dream come true.

Riley: Aww.

Vince: Finally, Richie… You’re a fantastic stand-up comedian, I love your work, but this is your first time acting in anything. What made you want to transition from stand up to television, especially now?

Richie: Woah, yeah, I mean...yeah. (laughs) Honestly, I wanted to do something new. A lot of stuff has changed in the last few years, mostly the content of my stand-up, and I want to distance myself from that old shit as much as possible. And, you know, I’m married now, we’re expecting our first kid soon, so it’s all super serious and shit.

Vince: Congratulations!

Richie: Yeah, thanks! So with the show, I wanted to just...show that I could do it, I guess. Show I was more than just some shitty comedian doing misogynistic jokes that weren’t true. The writers approached me originally since they wanted some humor in the show, but...I guess they liked the other stuff I did once I was on-set.

Riley: Just for the record, I like your new stuff better.

Jay: Oh yeah, for real.

Evan: I still remember seeing the comeback show, first time you did your own material, and I was so blown away. Not just the actual material, but the way you performed and talked about your friends on-stage...it was amazing.

Richie: Thanks, man.

Vince: So, what was it like for the four of you to work together? Were there any scenes where all four of you were present?

Jay: Oh, man…

Evan: (mock dying) Spoilers. Can’t. Give. Them. Away.

Richie: Yeah, you can't see it, but in the building across the road there’s a Hulu representative with a sniper ready to take us out if they think we’ll fuck up.

Vince: Alright, alright, I get it! But what was it like working together? Fun?

Riley: Oh yeah. Definitely. These three guys are super funny and great to work with, you know? Evan would sing songs on set between takes, and we’d all have little impromptu karaoke sessions. Jay is just...really sweet but funny, he keeps quiet sometimes but he genuinely is really fun to be around; he goes nuts about hockey. Richie kept us all laughing, of course, even when we had to shoot more challenging scenes - without giving too much about the show away, there were times where we would be filming, and we’d all be feeling down or tired, and it was really hard. But Richie would keep our spirits up by making jokes, and making sure we were all hanging in there.

Evan: Yeah, Richie’s the best.

Riley: He’s a talented actor too, which is nice to work with.

Jay: Aww jeez, Riley…

Richie: You’re making us sound awesome, and we look like assholes just sitting here nodding.

Evan: To be honest, I worked more with Riley than anyone else and she really undersells herself.

Richie: Yeah. She’s actually super funny - I mean, she’s great on the show but she pulls off comedy pretty well too. I think she’d do pretty well on a comedy show or something. You know, if the show doesn’t work out. (Winks)

Riley: Coming from Trashmouth Tozier, that’s like...the most wonderful thing someone has ever said to me. Oh my god.

Vince: Well, I was going to ask what it was like, being surrounded by all male leads - obviously there are females too, but you four are the focus, and you’re the only woman.

Riley: (laughing) Shh, I don’t think- I don’t think they’ve realized I’m not a guy yet! Don’t tell them!

Jay: Nah, she’s one of the guys clearly!

Richie: Wait, you’re a WOMAN? My life has been a lie, Riley Andersen!

Riley: The blonde ponytail and cheerleading skirt didn’t give it away then.

Richie: It’s 2018, anything can happen. I’d wear a cheerleading skirt. I’m sure my husband would be up for that.

Evan: I am very jealous that Riley got to wear the skirt and I didn’t. It would have made my ass look fantastic.

Jay: I’m not sure if my fiancée would be amused or terrified by me in a cheerleading outfit. I’m like 110lbs soaking wet, so fuck knows what I’d look like.

Riley: (throwing her arms around him) Jay, no, you’d look great! Be more confident in yourself!

Richie: (in a Canadian accent) It’s his Canadian modesty, eh?

Jay: (laughing) Fuck off.

Richie: (still-Canadian-accent) Still mad you left your tuque in the washroom, eh?

Evan: Oh god.

Vince: On that note...thank you so much for meeting with me. Good luck with the show!

“Social Killing” starts 9pm on Wednesday night on Hulu.

[sincerealyy]

The Intensity of a Heartache: It has been over a year since I have experienced a heartache that made me feel like shards of glass pierced through my left ventricle. I say left ventricle because the left ventricle is a part of the heart that is known to pump oxygen rich blood through the aortic valve and then to the rest of the body. That is how this heartache felt like. It was like someone destroyed that, and as the blood is no longer being pumped throughout my body, I could feel my heart gradually weaken and then ultimately fall into a state of paralysis. I felt numb inside. And this all happened from a guy. A guy that I handed my heart on a silver platter to, only to have him dissect every secret and every truth until it was of no longer of use to him. I know I’m using a lot of biological metaphors but it is because I want to address the extent of this pain. I am only going through these measures to explain to you because it is the kind of pain that you could not imagine to feel unless it happened to you. Unless you went through it the same way as I did. It all started off when I was attending religious school and my friend introduced me to this guy who she decided to lie about a secret admirer that is after him. My friend requested I play the nonexistent admirer for the sake of their friendship to not fall apart, and so I did. I don’t remember why I did, but I know now, that if I had even a glimpse of what that decision would have led me to back then, I would have instantly refused without giving it a second thought. That being said, I accepted the role and I went along with the play. I was never looking for a friendship, let alone a relationship, but life as usual, took a turn. One year later, this person not only became someone that defined the love I felt, but he was my bestfriend. I couldn’t remember what my life was like before him, but I definitely knew that it was never as great as it was with him in it. Throughout my life, I never let anyone truly get to know, therefore, they never really truly saw me. And I was okay with that, because I knew the moment you let someone truly know you, is the moment you’ve risked your entire worth and happiness altogether. I had bestfriends growing up, but there was always a side of me that I concealed for the sake of protecting myself and my heart. Five blissful years later, things began to feel different. The effort that was always given was slowly starting to disappear. The love that was always visible in his eyes began to fade away. It was only then, I mustered up the courage to question whether or not his feelings still exist for me. I remember exactly how the conversation went, “Did you lose feelings for me?”, I said. “Lol it’s not that serious”, he said. “Did you?”, I asked. “Yes”, he said. In that moment, that “yes” was enough to create a deep wound to my soul. At that moment, tears welled up in my eyes, and I only pleaded inside that it was not true..that I was dreaming..please..let me be dreaming. For days after that, I cried myself to sleep every night. I would scroll through social media, waiting on an apology of some sort or just anything that could indicate that he did not mean it. That I still meant everything to him. That I’m still the love of his life and I’m still his forever. This all sounds very cliche, I am well aware, and I cringed a little bit writing this but that is how it played out. In July of summer 2019, I met him for the last time. We agreed that we would go our separate ways and be on good terms when we do so. As our date ended, and I was exiting his car to head to mine, he gripped my wrist and I turned around. Suddenly, for that moment, he had that sparkle in his eyes. He had this look in his eyes that told me that deep inside, he is still in love with me. I believed it and it gave me hope. I engraved that hope onto the chambers of my heart and preserved it for a long time. As we gazed into each other’s eyes, he asked me, “Can I have a last hug? I’m really going to miss you”. I immediately hugged him and we held onto each other for ten long seconds. It’s going to seem very lame as I say this next part, but since then, I haven’t hugged anyone. The reason being is because I am afraid once I do, this final moment he and I shared will be remembered and trigger my pain. So I just greet people the usual way, a handshake or a fist bump, or just a simple ‘hey’. It was January 2, 2020, when I recieve a notification from him. Instantly, without hesitating, I opened it, excited that he remembered me despite the amount of time that has passed. But this message was worse than the “yes” I had gotten a year ago. This message had me spiraling towards my inevitable downfall. This message revealed that he had begun dating again and he had moved on. I was heartbroken, because throughout the months of his absence, I held onto hope, but this message was enough to demolish the hope that was engraved in me. I kept thinking that I shattered my morals and my values for him. In my religion, you are not allowed to date a guy, let alone be intimate with him. But I let myself do that. I can’t even have the audacity to blame it on him, because I let myself open up to him, and I didn’t even try, at the very least, to protect myself. I relied on the concept of ‘he and I are meant to be together forever’, to justify every wall I let crumble down and every promise I broke. To have sex is not a big deal to people in the modern world today, but, considering the religion I am born into, it was the worst possible thing to commit, next to murder. For days, I couldn’t bear to look in the mirror because all I saw was filth. It sounds harsh to describe it that way, but I felt dirty. I felt that I had lost every part of my modesty and dignity, and I felt worthless. This worthlessness resonated with me for a very long time. Weeks later, I stopped attending lectures and visiting my friends and would constantly ignore my friends calls and messages. I would wake up everyday, and decide that I don’t want to be anywhere except in my bed. It was easy to get away with it because my parents both worked, so they had no idea that I stopped attending my classes. It was only then, my professor whom I’ve built a strong relationship with from the beginning of the year, sent me an email questioning my absence and expressing her concern. I ignored the email. But that didn’t stop her from continously emailing me repeatitively. I finally gave in, and told her that I will return to class next week. And I did. I don’t know how I got myself out of bed that day, but I guess I was tired of being alone..feeling alone. I attended the class of that professor and as I was about to walk out, she announced my name on the mic, requesting that I stay back. For that moment, I was scared. I knew that my grades were all going downhill and I was afraid that I had dissapointed her. But what did I care? I thought that since I felt like a dissapointment so I might as well be one. I approached her podium and I said, “Yes Professor Nick”, She responds, “I’ve noticed you stopped attending lectures, I’ve heard from my colleagues that it is not just my class, so that makes me feel a bit better” I laughed, but didn’t say anything. “Is everything okay?”, she asked. “Yes, don’t worry, everything is fine”, I said. “Sit down”, she immediately said. Shocked that her tone suddenly got intense, I immediately sat down opposite to her. “For a moment, pretend I am not your professor. For a moment, think of me as your friend. A friend with no judgements, only a friend that wants to help” “Nothing is wrong, I swear. I promise I will start getting myself back on track from this week”, I said, completely ignoring what she said. “I have no classes for the rest of the day, so know that I am not afraid to hold you in contempt”, she says as she smirks. I admired her sense of humor so I smirked back, but I remained silent. “As an English professor, I am going to try a different approach. If you write what you honestly feel right now, if you pour out everything that has been going in your life right now onto this piece of paper I am giving you, I will deduct your failed tests and assignments from your final grade.” I sat there, shocked. I was desperate. I knew that I was failing a few of my courses, including this one, and I knew that if I fell into probation, I would lose my status in Co-op. So I took the paper, and I wrote everything out. Every pain, every event, everything. By the time I finished writing, it was 9PM, and I got up from my seat and gave in the paper and exited class. No words were exchanged between the professor and I, except a friendly nod. My mom was waiting for me outside the building, so as I was walking towards the car, I felt my heart feel a little lighter. I think it was all the feelings that I had bottled up, which I poured out onto the paper, that made me feel like that, but all I knew in that moment, is I felt better than I had in six weeks. I have Professor Nick to thank her for that, because the next day, I visited her during office hours, thanking her for the opportunity. She only responded with a lecture that consisted of my potential and how much determination she sees in me, and how much admiration she has for my strength. She concluded saying, no one should have the power to depict your happiness. You are independent, intelligent and strong, and no one should have the power to strip you of that. She said that pain should never be let to define us, only meant to make us stronger and wiser. I believed every word she said, and I’ve reminded myself of her words everyday to this day. From that day on, I began to approach my other professors, begging them for opportunities to revive my mark back. Because every one of them knew me and recognized the dedication I had towards their classes, they provided me with some leniency. By the end of the semester, I achieved an overall grade GPA of 3.8 and I could not have been more proud. It made me realize the strength I have and the potential I possess in achieving my goals and overall success. I finally bought myself some closure and reassessed my future and what I intend to gain from it. Once I did that, I reassured myself that, at the end of the day, my life lies in the hands of God and I no longer doubted my self worth once I forgave myself and put my trust in the Most High. At this moment in my life, I can tell you that I am content. I have no guilt or burden weighing me down and life could not be better. At times, I collapse back into a state of depression, but I’ve learned to cope with it in healthier ways. I have only to thank my friends and my teachers and Professor Nick for igniting the hope that I thought I had lost.

autobiography I had to write for an assignment

[marlonrae]

&. SASHA VISITS MONA!

who: @fckmonax​ and sasha; preston’s friend. & marlon. where: mona’s place warning: highkey! problematic! - nsfw ig.

SASHA

knocks on the door a few times and waits, scrolling through her phone

MONA

jumps at the sound of a knock on the door, carries ven with her to go open the door “Hopefully you’re not a murderer!” opens the door, grins at sasha, pulls her in for a hug “Wow, I totally forgot I invited you over.”

SASHA

laughs and shakes head, rolling her eyes at mona's comment ''Am I that irrelevant? I don't think so.'' chuckles and gasps when she looks at ven ''YOU'RE SO MUCH MORE BEAUTIFUL THAN I THOUGHT YOU WERE, WOW.'' grins widely and strokes Ven's cheek. ''Oh my god, pictures don't do her justice, look at her.'' pouts

MONA

laughs, shrugs “What can I say? My brain has been very occupied with all things Venecia all morning.” steps aside to let her in, grins at the compliments, knows they’re all true “Wanna hold her?”

SASHA

grins, looking like she won the lottery. ''Yes, of course, yeah.''

MONA

chuckles, pushes the door closed “She’s like the easiest baby ever, I promise.” kisses ven’s forehead, carefully maneuvers to hand her off, switches to baby voice “Hey Venny. This is mommy’s friend. She’s gonna hold you for a bit, okay?” doesn’t let got until sasha has her securely

SASHA

grins at both ven and mona and holds her like a pro, placing a hand in the back of V's head. ''Ugh, I already love her so much.'' looks down at Ven and kisses her cheek gently. ''The most beautiful baby ever, I SWEAR.''

MONA

smiles proudly at the two of them getting along so well “Isn’t she just the best? I am totally obsessed with her and I’m glad you can see why.” pulls out her own phone, snaps a pic of them “Seriously, though. I’m not sure what I did to be blessed with a baby girl so perfect. I can’t wait for her to be just like me!”

SASHA

''She really is the best.'' cant stop looking at Ven and giggles when mona snaps a picture of them. ''You need send me that asap.'' nods ''For sure, she's gonna be just as beautiful as you are when she's older, you'll see.''

MONA

nods, immediately sends the photo over ”Oh, please. She’s gonna be prettier than me. We don’t even look like mother and daughter.” pouts

SASHA

furrows brows and looks at Ven and then at Mona. Hums. ''How does her dad's side of the family look like?''

MONA

“Dark hair, dark eyes, tan skin. They’re Puerto Rican.” navigates through phone, pulls up a pic and hands it over “This is her Aunt Mariana. She literally looks more like her than like me.” pouts

SASHA

looks at the pic and frowns, def seeing the resemblance. ''I mean, yeah, she's pretty and all but I'm sure Ven will grow out of it and look more like you as she grows older.''

MONA

“I wouldn’t mind if she continued to look like Mariana though. Mariana’s gorgeous.” shrugs, sighs “Do you want anything to eat or drink?” leads the way towards the kitchen “Preston’s weird about his stuff, so maybe don’t touch anything?”

SASHA

shrugs, not at all impressed by mariana's looks. ''Yeah, I guess she's alright.'' looks down at ven and smiles, blown away by how adorable she is. ''Hm, do you have snacks?'' giggles

MONA

looks at them adoringly, checks through the cabinet for snacks “Looks like we have potato chips... barbecue ones, oreos, an assortment of fruits. Sorry that the selection is kinda lame.” shrugs “We can also go out if you’d like.”

SASHA

hums ''Do you have ketchup?''

MONA

quirks brow “Yes...”

SASHA

“Potato chips with ketchup are a blessing.” grins excitedly

MONA

makes a disgusted face “Would’ve never guessed that you’d be the type for that combo, but who am I to judge?” grabs both the chips and ketchup for her “Want me to grab her?” gestures at a now asleep ven

SASHA

''I can't believe she fell asleep on me.'' smiles and pouts at the baby. ''I love that she's comfortable, ugh but yeah, I'll take her again in a bit.'' very carefully hands ven over

MONA

“She’s probably exhausted from the sleep she didn’t get last night.” takes ven, rocks her to keep her asleep “That and she’s totally comfortable with you.” puts ven in her crib, walks back out with the baby monitor “But I didn’t ask. How are you? How is life?”

SASHA

frowns ''Why? What happened?'' totally walks into the kitchen as if she owns the place and grabs a bowl for the chips and pours ketchup all over them. ''Life is good, a little uneventful at the moment, but good. Michael's been working a lot lately and that's super boring.'' sighs, eating her chips. 'Want some?'' offers the bowl ''What about you? Your life seems to be much more eventful than mine.''

MONA

“No clue. She just had energy all day and night for some reason.” sighs, shakes head “Literally P and I got no alone time.. if you know what I mean.” watches her, genuinely confused by the chip situation, shakes head “Your whole life doesn’t revolve around Michael though, right? - Unfortunately, my whole life does revolve around Venecia.”

SASHA

frowns ''If you ever need alone time, I could help babysit. Just give me a call.'' smiles and shakes head ''No, it revolves around my phone, mostly.'' laughs ''I truly don't have a life but I don't really care, it's fine. I'd love to have more action or drama but I guess I'm lucky I don't.'' shrugs, eats more chips

MONA

“That would be amazing, but that’s what my sisters are for. I would never pass on an irritable Ven to you.” chuckles “I’ll get them to babysit some time while we hang.” shakes head “Believe me you do not want drama. What’s so entertaining on your phone though?”

SASHA

''I doubt she ever gets irritable.'' chuckles, is literally loving her chips. ''But I do, nothing exciting ever happens for me. I wanna be involved in something entertaining. Do you get drama often?'' chuckles ''Honestly, social media, online books and youtube.''

MONA

scoffs “Play one round of peek a boo with her and you’ll see how irritable she can get.” sighs “Honestly.. So much. Like a sex tape of me and my sister’s husband literally leaked a few months back. Drama follows me everywhere, so if I could have it not, that’d be ideal.”

SASHA

gasps, puts the bowl down ''A sex tape with your sister's husband?'' jaw drops ''Please, elaborate.''

MONA

sighs “Well it was old first off, and he wasn’t her husband at the time of filming.. was her boyfriend, though.” shakes head “I probably shouldn’t be telling you this. It’s way too soon for you to know this about me.” chuckles “But we were both just kind of going through weird stages in our relationships and we did something stupid.. multiple times. And I guess at some point in our drugged out, sexed up state, we thought making a video was a good idea.” sighs “I didn’t even remember any of this, but kind of just had to put the pieces together when suddenly there was evidence of it floating around.”

SASHA

is shocked and wide-eyed but lowkey loves everything about the story even though she probably shouldn't. chuckles. ''That's... terrible but amazing.'' chuckles again, shaking her head ''Is he cute?''

MONA

laughs, shakes head "I'm definitely going to hell for it, but you're totally gonna lose some points for that reaction." chuckles "You will not find him attractive. He kind of gives off Jafar from Aladdin vibes." pulls up a pic of marlon on her phone "This is Marlon. He's my best friend."

SASHA

jaw drops again, takes the phone and stares at it for a good 30 seconds before looking back at mona ''Oh... my god!''

MONA

takes her phone back, rolls eyes

SASHA

shakes head, shocked ''Mona, I know him.''

MONA

jaw drops "What?"

SASHA

nods, wide-eyed. ''It's kind of a long story but basically he was my brother's drug dealer for like the longest time and they would hang together and I always thought he was so hot and I was younger than him but I...'' chuckles, shaking her head ''... finessed him and I sneaked him in one night and yeah.'' shrugs and giggles. ''I had like the biggest crush but then he kind of like grew tired of me..'' pouts slightly ''... eventually I got over it, though.'' shrugs dismissively ''But woah, this is so bizzare.''

MONA

stares wide-eyed, listens, shook "Holy shit... He wasn't like, your first or anything, right?" pulls out her phone "I'm texting him right now. Can I invite him over?" laughs, shakes head "This is insane." laughs some more "And you genuinely liked him? Wild." laughs

SASHA

laughs. ''I mean, there was a guy before him but I was really young and  he was basically the first guy I ever had like real sex with but no, he didn't actually took my virginity, my neighbor Jason did when I was even younger.'' laughs and covers her mouth, shaking her hand. ''OH MY GOD! I haven't seen him in forever, that's so embarrassing.'' laughs and nods, figuring that this was truly the most problematic thing happening in her life in the past year or so. ''I liked him so much.'' shakes head, still laughing. ''I thought he was the hottest dude around. - I mean, he is kinda hot but please don't tell Mike I said that.'' chuckles

MONA

finishes writing out her text to marlon, focuses on sasha again "This is truly the strangest coincidence. I'm glad he didn't take your virginity though. That'd make him coming over here a little more awkward than this is already gonna be. " literally just laughs some more, trying to stop, failing "Dude, he's so hot. In a hot chicken kinda way, but hot. Obviously, I think so. I like... risked it all for him. We stayed friends though. Which is truly amazing."

SASHA

nods in agreement ''I only said kinda because I thought you would judge me but yes, he is 100% hot.'' laughs ''He just looks so different from everyone around and his face is so, so nice and okay I shouldn't be saying this but he was like actually good in bed in a lazy, high, kind of way. - I think that made him even hotter.''

MONA

"Why would I judge you? After that story I just told with him as the other person in the scenario? This is a judgment free zone." replies to marlon, continues talking "Oh god, we really shouldn't be discussing this.. but yeah. Those days where it just Marlon and I and a bunch of coke and molly? Some of my best days." groans, shakes head "Don't ever repeat this, obvi."

SASHA

''Of course I won't.'' laughs ''He 100% used me back then, we had sex like four times and he would never even call me or anything.'' shakes head and laughs ''I mean, it was enough for me because it meant he gave me a tiny bit of his attention and–''  M(arlon): literally walks in as if he's walking into his own apartment. ''Ramona, this better be good or else I swear I will shove my fist up yo–'' stops when he notices she has company. furrows brows  S(asha): looks kind of terrified but laughs ''Hi.''  M: raises eyebrows ''What are you doing here?'' looks at Mona ''What's going on?''

MONA

is kind of saddened by her story, doesn't have time to respond "Hey!" looks in between the two of them, a cruel smirk on her face "Marlon, this is my new friend Sasha."

SASHA

S: smiles mischievously and nods ''I'm sure you don't remember me.'' M: raises an eyebrow and shakes head, pretending to be oblivious even though he remembers every single lil detail about sasha ''I don't.'' shrugs, looking back at Mona ''Did you just bring me here to introduce me to a friend?''

MONA

scoffs, offended for her new friend sasha "Marlon, cut the shit. I can see it in your eyes, I know you know who she is, so how about not making her feel even worse than you did when you fucked her and ditched her all those years ago." rolls eyes, looks to sasha "Clearly, you missed out on nothing by him ghosting you."

SASHA

S: smirks, loving mona's attitude ''Yeah, trash.''    M: exhales deeply ''Did you expect me to propose?'' asks sasha, raising an eyebrow ''What are you two even doing together?''    S: ''Not really, a call would've been nice.'' shrugs M: ''It was ten years ago, Sasha. Move on, maybe?'' gives her a look ''Forreal, what's up?''

MONA

"Ah, so you do remember." shakes head "I gotta say, my sister really hit the jackpot with this one." is entertained by the whole situation "Nothing's up. We're friends now. Preston is buddies with her boyfriend, we met through them and realized that we kinda have a lot of common... Clearly more in common than we originally thought since we've now learned that we've both seen a scrawny chicken boy naked."

SASHA

S: laughs, shaking her head. ''I mean, I don't blame him. I've been told I tend to leave an impact on people.'' smirks, grabs her bowl of chips again.

M:  shakes head, staring at sasha and shaking his head when he sees the chips ''See, that's exactly why we never worked out. Why would I ever trust a stan of chips covered in ketchup?'' makes a face ''Disgusting.'' 

S: ''Hey!, don't be a hater.'' rolls eyes at him, hugging the bowl 

M: chuckles ''I guess rich, spoiled brats have a thing for scrawny chicken boys like me.'' smirks ''I can't blame y'all. I would too if I was dating the men you all seem to date.''

MONA

claps hands together, grins "This is amazing." turns to marlon "I was giving her a crash course, like on who I am as a person and why all the drama in my life isn't fun, so I mentioned that leak that happened a couple months back. And she was like no way, details please. And I showed her your pic and she was shook to learn that it was you. I am shook to learn that you two banged... Literally when she was so young, but we'll save that conversation." drapes an arm over marlon's shoulder " But yeah, I was telling her about we're bestest friends and you looove me." pulls him into a hug, dramatically kisses his cheek

SASHA

S: eats her chips, laughs at the summary ''Aww, I'm lowkey sad you guys didn't work out. It would've been so cute.'' half joking

M: nods and looks like the cloe meme as soon as mona is all over him but doesn't even move. looks down at his best friend ''Can you.. not?'' rolls eyes when she kisses his cheek but stays put ''I love her so much she's pulling this type of shit right now and I still haven't punched her in the face.

S: laughs and hums, putting her bowl down and walking over to him and grabbing his face before kissing his other cheek. laughs. 

M: shakes head and pushes the two of them away. ''Get off.''

MONA

"Nah, it was for the best. If the two of us actually became a thing, we probably both would have OD'd by now. Plus, there'd be no Venecia and that isn't even a world I'd like to live in." chuckles when sasha joins in, squeezes him even tighter, scoffs when he pushes them away "I mean, technically we have both gotten you off before... if that's what you meant by get off." winks, knows she's being horribly problematic

SASHA

S: rolls eyes and laughs, eating her chips again. ''I got you off several times. - Remember that one time   I got you off like twice in a three minutes period?'' smirks and looks at mona ''That was my personal best. I did good.'' chuckles

M: Knows hes going to hell and laughs at mona's problematic comment, shaking his head and narrowing his eyes at sasha. ''You want a medal?''

MONA

"Twice in 3 minutes? His little chicken dick was probably weeping with joy that it got THE Sasha," pauses, thinks "I don't know your last name, to BLESS it with her touch." shrugs "I don't know. I think she deserves a medal."

SASHA

S: laughs at mona's comment and nods ''He was so shocked, you could tell I was basically changing his life. - Sasha Cole, that's me.'' laughs ''It's such a pornstar name but I guess it goes well with my life-changing sex skills.'' smirks

M: ''You were also sixteen and I was a grown adult so we should probably never discuss that ever again.'' rolls eyes

S: shrugs ''That didn't stop you from fucking me, did it?''

M: ''It did.'' gives her a look. ''I'm guessing your men don't know y'all are speaking so fondly of my dick, do they?''

MONA

just observes the dynamic of the two of them, so intrigued "Huh. So your morals came into play, just way too late in the game?" shakes head "You guys were so messy. I love it." shrugs "Nobody's man gotta know about this conversation just like your woman doesn't need to know. Simple as that." ven starts crying on the baby monitor, nipples immediately begin to ache and leak "Don't go anywhere. I'll be right back!"

SASHA

S: hums, frowns ''Is that seriously why you never contacted me again?'' furrows brows ''Because of my age?''

M: ''Yes, Sasha. Are you gon' cry about it?'' rolls eyes at her. ''Why would I ever tell anyone about this meeting?'' is immediately interested by P's knives and grabs one, is weirdly fascinated by it.

S: furrows brows and can't believe she's somehow feeling somewhat attracted to marlon at that very moment ''Preston doesn't like people touching stuff, you know?'' brows still furrowed

M: looks at S, staring at her for a second. ''Are you telling him I went through his shit?''

MONA

literally takes her time getting ven, debates feeding her but knows she needs to go back to her guests, carries ven out in her arms "MARLON!! What are you doing? Put that down!" hurries over "Give me that. Now." looks around frantically "Sash, here." unceremoniously hands ven over to ketchup hands, ven is now crYING "I'm not even allowed to touch these, why would you be?" looks through drawers for a cloth to wipe marlon's prints off with, puts hand out for the knife

SASHA

S: jumps a little at mona's reaction and struggles to grab ven without making a ketchup mess all over her baby clothes. starts to kinda rock the baby to sooth her but is watching the whole thing go down with furrowed brows

M: looks mad confused ''What the fuck are you doing?'' gives her the knife ''What.. the fuck.... are you seriously wiping prints off the knife?'' ainsley's face hits his mind ''Stop doing that.'' shakes aisnley's face away and furrows brows 

S: ''Shh, it's okay baby.'' rocks ven

MONA

literally ignores him, wipes the knife off soo thoroughly, carefully inspects it for any leftover marks, hums in satisfaction, returns it to its rightful place "Sorry, he just notices things, okay? And literally like the one rule I have here is to never touch the knives." sighs, stressed suddenly, takes a bottle from the fridge for ven and warms it, holds it out to sasha "It's not you, she's hungry."

SASHA

M: He's deadass so weird.'' shakes head ''You really gon' make ketchup hands feed your child?'' shakes head and takes ven from Sasha with one hand and the bottle with the other, showing pro skills at the whole thing. starts feeding ven and the baby is suddenly quiet and happy to be eating.

S: everything happens so fast that she's just observing, chuckling at how smooth marlon was at taking the baby and feeding her ''That's kinda hot.'' is wide eyed when she realizes she said that out loud.

MONA

"Ketchup hands was the one without a knife. I had to make a decision." shrugs, watches, smiles as he feeds his niece Clearly, you've had lots of practice." raises brows at sasha's comment, knows they've def crossed a line at this point "Sasha!" shakes head, chuckles "Was this a bad idea inviting Marlon over?"

SASHA

M: shrugs, not seeing the big deal ''Being a dad teaches you a thing or two.''

S: giggles and her cheeks start heating up. changes the topic. ''I mean, yeah. Good dads, though.'' shrugs ''Ven's dad can't relate.''

M: raises an eyebrow ''You got something to say, Sasha?'' 

S: laughs ''Hm, yeah. Ven's dad is a flop.'' shrugs, goes back to her chips.

M: ''Your dad is a flop. I mean, his teenage daughter was out there finessing grown man into fucking her.'' furrows brows

S: furrows brows, offended

MONA

cringes, really don't wanna be a part of a convo about fab, lowkey relieved when marlon changes the topic a lil, walks over, lightly and playfully slaps him on the side of his face "What teenager doesn't finesse grown men into fucking them? Shut up." goes over to sasha, pulls her into a hug "Stop being mean to my friend."

SASHA

S: is mad and lowkey sad because she ain't used to people being mean to her ''You were the adult so technically you were the one responsible for it.'' crosses arms over her chest and leans into mona's touch 

M: ''Right, that's exactly why I ended it.'' is annoyed ''Seriously, this was years ago, why are you so pressed? Chill.'' 

S: stays quiet and shrugs

MONA

frowns really upset by the turn this is taking "You're literally just being mean, Marlon." notices sasha going quiet, hugs her tighter, really ain't trying to lose this friend already just bc marlon is mean "Anyways. This was fun and all, but you can go now, Mar."

SASHA

S: gives him a look. ''What do you even get out of being so mean?'' frowns 

M: rolls eyes so far back he caught a glimpse of his brain ''Man, are you still sixteen?'' shakes head and furrows brows before looking down at ven and kissing her cheek and then her forehead. ''Take her.'' carefully hands her to Mona 

S: shrugs slightly again, frowning and hugging mona back ''You're gross.'' @marlon

MONA

frowns, gladly accepts her child, literally just ready for this all to be over "I'll talk to you later, okay?" also @ marlon

SASHA

M: gives mona a look ''Apologize to Hazel, you were gross.'' turns and stares at S for a quick second and reaches for her face, pinches her cheek. ''Toughen up, you're grown now.'' narrows eyes at her. ''You're cute.'' smiles, walks away fully aware he just rocked her world again.

S: is sixteen again and looks up at him, feeling flustered when he calls her cute and furrowing her brows when he leaves

MONA

rolls eyes "Yeah, obviously I will." watches his interaction with sasha, confused and kind of disgusted, shakes head "Alright, enough of that." shuffles him to the door, her hand on his back basically pushing him out "Goodbye, Marlon... We're definitely talking soon."

SASHA

looks like she's about to cry, grabs her bowl but there's nothing there. pouts.

MONA

shuts the door, turns just in time to see sasha's face "Please don't cry!" hurries over and pulls her into another hug, ven squished in the middle "I am so sorry, that was an awful idea."

[terribleco]

The Skatepark Situation

I used to run a feature here on the blog called “The Skatepark Situation”. I’ve decided to bring it back for this one off analysis of an article in the Coventry Observer. The article is about the War Memorial Ramp Renovation campaign, and their call for council help to improve the skatepark. Long time visitors to this blog will know 10 years ago we were campaigning for the exact same thing.

The article has quotes from an un-named (surprise surprise) council spokesperson who is quoted with excuses for why Covpark has not been improved at all since it’s initial build in 2001. I’m now going to use my extensive knowledge of the campaign to improve Covpark to show why these excuses are just plain not good enough.

“All areas are regularly inspected and all are maintained in a safe and usable condition.” & “ All play areas are regularly inspected and maintained.”

This is simply not true, especially where skateparks are concerned. Here’s a list of where the council has dropped the ball on maintaining skateparks;

Lips at the bottoms of ramps, and between panels at Covpark are a trip hazard for skateboards, and are not safe. The council were informed of this 10 years ago and to this day still haven’t fixed it properly. When I raised this initially I had council employees tell me they had no idea this was such a problem for skateboarders, and they promised to learn more about it and fix it.

The damage done to Holbrooks bowls has never been properly repaired, and will likely never be as good as it was when the park opened. A bad concrete job is not ensuring a skatepark is in a safe and usable condition, and nor is ignoring the litter and leaves that piles up in the bowl. 

The god awful emulsion paint that youth workers splatted all over Alan Higgs, making it slippy, was never investigated by the council or the Alan Higgs centre. 

There is more than enough ample evidence that the council do not inspect or maintain the skateparks in Coventry. Are the council simply not checking skateparks, or do they just not know whether a skatepark is safe or not? Probably both.

“Budgets are still limited and further central government cuts in funding are likely which clearly limits our ability to undertake all the refurbishment work we would like.” 

Once again, we have never asked the council to foot the bill for a new skatepark. At most we wanted match funding, which meant skateboarders would still be doing the hard work of finding funding. We need access to funding grants, and we need council support, guidance and backing on finding and applying for these grants. It’s been the same story for 10 years now. This is also a hard sell for young people who have seen new skateparks pop up all over the country, with the next town over (Leamington) successfully getting a new park built in recent years. “There isn’t enough money” sounds like bullshit when every other area seems to be getting parks built far more easily. These are young people who don’t understand how funding grants work, and they need the help of adults who know this stuff inside and out (and whose job it is specifically to know about raising funds for public facilities!!!) in order to make sure they don’t have to worry about “funding cuts”. This leads me onto the next point...

“We often rely on Section 106 monies (compensation) from new developments to fund major refurbishments or improvements.” & “ We will also work with local organisations on external funding applications to refurbish their local play facilities.” 

As far as I am aware no compensation from new housing developments was used to fund a skatepark in Coventry. I can also attest to the council’s lack of guidance and support on building a skatepark. When they say they “work” with local organisations, what they mean is they wash their hands of it and expect young people with minimal experience to get bogged down in bureaucratic red tape until they get bored and give up. What they mean is that they lead young people on and tell them they are all up for building a new skatepark, but when it comes to the red tape and planning permission they lead everyone round in circles rather than removing the road blocks put in place by contradicting departments in the council. If they were so committed to “working with local organisations” then every attempt we have made to get a new skatepark built would’ve succeeded.

“With over 400 sites across the city there is a lot of sites to maintain and develop.” 

None of these sites has been a skatepark, so this statement rings hollow.

“Just one decent sized skate feature can cost between £40,000-60,000.”

This is (pardon my french) utter bullshit, and written by someone with no knowledge of skateparks. This price has been pulled out of their arse, or even worse, taken from a Bendcrete rep (who the council were specifically told never to use again for a skatepark). From those involved with Covpark’s build (Jim The Skin, Steve Spain, Phil Hunt), I was told that skatepark cost £40,000 to build, with an alarming £100,000 spent on consultation that quite simply wasn’t needed. Covpark is, as the council have been told time and time again, not a decent sized park, and not a decent park full stop. Leamington cost £110,000, and whilst offers a unique, fun and interesting design, many would argue it is still too small given the local number of users. A decent sized park for the number of skateboarders, BMXers and scooter riders in Coventry would cost upward of £300,000. This kind of cost is totally achievable and has been achieved by many community groups stretching the width and breadth of the country, again with council help, support and backing. The problem has always been a complete lack of real interest from the council, and their ability to fob skateboarders off with vague promises again and again whilst local skaters do the hard work and raise the funds. 

It’s not secret the government have been stripping youth services apart to the point where we have an increase in anti-social behaviour and crime. It’s obvious that if you remove the ability for young people to keep themselves busy and active and give them piss poor facilities they will find other things to occupy their time. If you don’t provide skateboarders with good facilities they will find their own spots to skate, and if you ignore skateboarders like Coventry City Council have done for TEN BLOODY YEARS then you get new generations giving you bad press for your run down crappy skatepark in the local paper. We’re all tired of this conversation. The conversation isn’t going away. Support the improvement of Covpark, support the Coventry Skatepark Project, help these people get a great skatepark built, and stop making lame excuses.

[pjbehindthesun]

chapter 22: if the sea was whiskey

Friday, November 2nd, 1990

Why’s the apartment so dark at this time of night? It’s barely 9:00… maybe she went out? I guess I can’t blame her. I did say I’d be back around 7, so maybe she gave up on me. Losing track of time is only human, right? I’m about to flick on the living room light when I stumble on something and ram my elbow into the wall as I try to catch my balance, OW, son of a bitch... oh, it’s just her boots. And her bag. Weird. It’s not like her to drop her shit in the middle of the floor like this, but there’s a definite trail leading from the door to the couch. There's no other sign of Cora out here, except for a pile of records and a couple of empty beer bottles on the floor by the bookcase. What the fuck, C? I can’t even see which records they are in this lighting but she’d better not have scratched any of mine. Either way, none of this is like her at all. Usually I’m the one who forgets to put the records back, not her. On a hunch, I look from the hallway into our bedroom, where I can see her fast asleep in bed on her stomach. Ha, long day or something? Oh well, at least the lack of a welcome committee gives me a chance to get settled back in without any hassle.

Back out in the living room, I set my own bag down in a corner and check out the window to make sure that a certain pair of tail lights have already made their way out of our parking lot and back down the street. Distance is good.

On my way back to our room, the blinking light on the answering machine catches my eye. With a glance back in her direction, I figure that if me shouting and almost breaking my neck on her clutter didn’t wake her up, the messages won’t either. The first message is from Sarah, the lab technician in Cora’s lab, asking if C’s going to come in at all today and take her samples out of the oven or if Sarah should handle it. Weird, did she not go to work today? Whatever, I’m not one to talk.

“Hey, Cora, uh…you there?” Her friend Stone’s mosquito-like voice is next. God, I hate this fucking guy. He’s just trailing off, in no hurry, using up my tape. Why’d you even call her if you don’t have anything to say, idiot? “sorry, guess not, I’ll, uh... try later. Seeya.”

I really hate that guy. I’m 90% sure he’s hung up on Cora, but I’ve got to leave the 10% possibility that he’s just a really annoying little asshole who irritates the shit out of everyone he meets. I guess both things could be true, but I get a really smarmy feeling whenever he’s around, like he’s always staring at my girlfriend. And judging me. Or maybe it’s just the bug eyes that make his face look like that all the time, I don’t know. I just know C spends way too much time with him. Lucy’s voice saves me from thinking too much about it, though, calling to ask Cora if she wanted to get dinner when “the guys” are done with practice. Obviously that ship sailed too. But the whole idea of band practice sticks in my craw. God, all these grown men with delusions of rock star grandeur, how the hell did she become friends with people like that? I’m the first to admit that I think her whole grad school thing is kinda lame and exploitative. It’s like she’s on a path to become the most overworked and underpaid genius in the world, and I know she could do so much better than that. But at least she has an actual career path. None of these Peter Pan Syndrome poster boys in their thermal tights and coffee shop slacker jobs can say as much.

There was nothing on the tape I couldn’t just tell Cora myself in the morning, so I delete all the messages and get ready for bed. It’s still pretty early, but I’m fucking exhausted.

Back in our bedroom, I notice something that I’d missed before: an almost-empty whiskey bottle on the floor under where her arm’s hanging off the mattress. Wow, babe, great job with the coping mechanisms… she really must have been lonely, huh? I missed her too, though. I should have called home more. Fuck, I’m sure I’m gonna hear an earful about that in the morning. I don’t even have a good explanation in place for why I didn’t call her. I should probably work on that. It’s just nice to have my work life be my work life, and my home life be my home life, and not mix them up. There’s a whole social aspect of a work trip that’s really refreshing in the way it disconnects me from whatever mundane shit is going on at home, and it’s easy to get caught up in that. It doesn't make me a horrible person. Losing track of time is human. Wanting to get away is human. Maybe it was uncool not to call her all week, but if I’m being totally honest with myself, I needed the break. Stuff gets stale with one person after so many years.

She’s still really gorgeous, though. Damn it. I forget that sometimes, but it’s hard to miss right now. Occasionally I’ll still get that flash of excitement, just like the way she totally dazzled me when we first met. I still think about that night a lot. She was all innocence and nerves, a good little girl hanging out with the wrong crowd, and it was almost like she looked up to me. It was fucking irresistible. She’s changed a lot over the years. I mean she looks about the same, but she’s a very different person now. Is it weird that I still feel exactly like I’m the same? In a lot of ways, I still think and feel exactly the way I did when I was seventeen. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or not. God, I’m too tired for this existential shit, I need sleep.

There’s one last thing I manage to accomplish before pouring myself into bed next to her to sleep off the travel fatigue, and it’s to get a glass of water and some aspirin set up on her bedside table for the morning. It’s a lot easier to make fun of her for her hangover if I’ve done the nice guy thing first.

***

Saturday, November 3rd, 1990

Ow. Ow. Ow. Oh, sweet merciful Jesus Zombie Christ. Oh, bad. Bad decisions. So many bad decisions. Am I dead? Please tell me I’m dead. That would make things so much simpler.

Nope. I can sit up and squint around my room. Definitely not dead. Whoops, definitely need to throw up. I barely drag myself to the bathroom in time to make it into the toilet, and feel instantly better when I’ve got it all out of my system, although now all I can focus on is the pounding headache the bourbon left behind. And the awful taste in my mouth. I brush my teeth and wash my face, moving like a sloth, shaking with weakness, wincing at every sound, and unable to look at my own reflection. I've had about enough of that girl. When I slump back to the bedroom, I notice two important things that weren’t there yesterday: my boyfriend, and a glass of water he thoughtfully set out for me. I manage to overpower a fresh urge to vomit. So many bad decisions.

Alex is sitting up in bed, dangling his long legs off the edge, and wearing a smug grin as he watches me down some aspirin and chug the entire glass of water like I’ve just crossed the desert.

“Morning, beautiful,” he mocks. “How do you feel? You look like a million bucks.”

I sit down next to him and let him wrap me up in a hug, even though his touch makes my skin want to get up and crawl onto the floor and out of the apartment altogether. Is that because of what I’ve done, or what he might have done?

“Yeah, well, I feel like counterfeit money that’s been eaten and then spat up into a gutter by a rabid raccoon. Hi.”

“Hi.” He kisses my cheek and smooths my hair down. “Fun night, I take it?”

I look into his amused light blue eyes, wishing involuntarily for the nth time that they were a different pair. Warm, green. It’s such a reflexive, broken-in wish at this point. So much about my life could be so different. But what would I even say to Stone if he were here? What am I supposed to say to Alex, for that matter? Christ, I don’t know which of the three of us I’m angriest at. I just know that I don’t have the emotional wherewithal to be honest with Alex right now about everything. My indiscretions and his. Later. I can do it later. I just need to regain my strength, that’s all, then we’ll have to figure this whole thing out.

“Uhm, no, I mean, I guess… kinda overdid it, maybe.”

“Just you?”

He’s still watching me with laugh lines around his eyes, so I know he meant the question innocently enough, but nonetheless, it triggers a landslide of guilt when I think about how narrowly I need to answer him. Just me last night, sure, trying to drink memories out of my head of the night before. Trying to drink all this Stone madness out of my system. A spectacular failure, obviously.

“Yeah, just me,” I grumble, hoping to pass the turmoil off as more hangover nausea.

“Party animal. You missed a bunch of calls, you know.”

“Really? I didn’t hear the phone ring.”

“Babe, the way you were sleeping, I don’t think you would have heard a nuclear holocaust.”

I’m pulled back to the warmth of the moment I woke up on Stone’s shoulder, and the affection in his eyes as he teased me for sleeping through the movie’s air raid sirens. Stone. In my apartment, washing my dishes, kissing my hair, painting my face on the bathroom sink… and then, everything that happened at his house… it all feels like a dream I’ve woken up from. I wish I could go back. God, how did so much happen in one week? What is Alex going to say when I tell him? My head is killing me. New topic. “Uhm, so who called?”

“Sarah had some lab shit to ask about --”

“-- oh fuck, my samples --”

“-- yeah, although I think she probably took care of that. And Lucy wanted to know if you wanted to get dinner. She obviously missed the memo about your liquid diet.” He snorts and nudges the bottle on the floor with his foot. “But it sounds like she was hanging out with Jeff and those guys, so she probably won’t hate you forever for ghosting on her.”

“Comforting.” But I feel a little better at the sound of Lucy’s name. I need to find her as soon as I can today, she’s the only person on earth I actually want to talk to right now.

“Oh, and what’s-his-face called too. Stone.”

So much for feeling better. So much for being sure I was done puking for the day. “Stone called?”

“Mmhmm.”

“Did you talk to him? What did he say?”

“No, he left a message.”

“I should probably go listen --”

“Oh, I deleted them all, sorry. He didn’t say anything though, just kinda rambled a bit and said he’d call back later, or some shit like that.”

I nod, keeping my eyes on the floor, waiting for Alex’s usual grumbling about Stone, but it doesn’t arrive. I’m thankful for that, because I’m not sure I could stomach it right now. The two of them hate each other so much. How is that possible? How can two people who are so important to me be such total opposites? Which one of them am I supposed to have any faith in? A wave of exhaustion washes over me just thinking about it. Until I remember. The one thing that might help me figure it out.

“Oh, uhm, Patch called yesterday.”

Alex gives me a sly glance. “Yeah? What’d you guys talk about?”

“Oh, we didn’t talk, he called when I was -- uhm, while I was out. But he said something interesting.” He continues to eye me with that knowing expression but doesn’t take the bait, so I charge ahead. “$500?”

“I shoulda told you, probably,” a toothy grin breaks over his face. “But you don’t have to pay back any part of it, I mean, I wrote it from ‘us’ but it was my choice, so you don’t owe me anything for it. I figured if I told you, you’d tell him, and I wanted it to be a surprise.”

“Why’d you do it?” I ask, feeling weak.

He sighs. “I know, it was dumb, all my talk about you smothering him and stuff, but I couldn’t let him move without giving him a little help. You know how hard it is to start in a new city, and he doesn’t have anyone there, I just wanted him to have what he needs. I’m proud of him for starting over.”

“Right.” Well, there’s my answer. “Uhm, he said he wasn’t going to cash it.”

“Little brat.”

My throat closes in on a sob and manages to lock it down while I stare at Alex. That kind of devotion, it’s completely overwhelming. Whatever Stone saw, it was a misunderstanding, obviously. He just doesn’t get Alex and me, he never has. I don’t know what the hell I was thinking this past week, letting this thing with Stone get so out of control, but this is where I need to be. I have no idea how to make this broken thing work, but I need to figure it out. Alex didn't do anything to deserve what I’ve done to him, I owe it to him now more than ever.

“Let’s get some greasy food into you before you keel over. I’d offer to cook it if I didn’t think that’d make matters worse,” Alex teases as he pulls me in to lean on his shoulder. “Mama’s?”

I nod again, although I’m still fighting the urge to recoil from Alex’s touch, and the wish that it was Stone’s instead. God, get over yourself, Cora.

***

I’m just locking up my apartment door and heading down the stairwell to go to the grocery store and run the rest of my weekend errands when I hear two familiar voices echoing upward that stop me in my tracks on a single stair. Cora and Alex. Laughing about something.

“Hey, guys!” I greet them as they round the corner, trying not to look too suspicious.

“Hey Luce, what’s new?” Alex says in an easy, warm voice that tells me Cora hasn't said anything to him yet about wanting to break up.

“Oh, nothing,” I answer Alex but stare at Cora, who’s giving me a cornered look, “what’s, uh, what's going on with you two?”

“Willie Dixon here swam to the bottom of a sea of whiskey last night,” he nudges Cora, who does seem a little sickly now that I look at her more closely, “so some hangover food was in order.”

“You alright, Cor?” I ask, and she nods and bites her lips in. Uh oh. That’s a we need to talk face if I’ve ever seen one. “Hey, are you busy right now? I just got this new dress but it’s kinda trendy, I’m on the fence about whether I’m gonna keep it. That is, if you don't mind me borrowing her, Alex?”

Alex rolls his eyes before kissing the top of Cora's head and bounding up the next flight of stairs. “Don’t know why you’d ask her, dresses are to Cora as lipstick is to pigs.”

With his footsteps retreating and Cora already heading down the hall to my door, I’m free to glare daggers at his disappearing shape. What. A. Dick.

“Coffee?” I offer once we’re inside, but Cora makes a beeline for my bright orange chair, her favorite in my place, which is hilarious because of how horribly it clashes with her hair. She flops down, cross-legged and sullen. Yikes. I’d offer something stronger than coffee, but it sounds like she's been there and done that already.

“Or not. So uh,” I take a seat on the couch, “you guys seemed pretty cozy. I take it you haven’t talked to him yet?”

“Nope,” she scratches at a pull in the fabric, right in the middle of one of the teal flowers underneath her knee.

“All that liquid courage wasted, then, huh?”

“What? No, uh, the booze wasn't a liquid courage thing. It was just a being stupid thing. I got myself drunk hours before he even came home, sat around, listened to some records. I was asleep by the time he got in.”

“Wow, you were really stressed out about talking to him, huh?”

“No, it wasn’t that,” she scowls down at the flower before glancing back up. “How’s stuff with Jeff?”

“We’re good, I don’t know, the usual.”

“What do you mean, ‘you don't know’? That sounds suspect.”

How much do I really want to tell her about this? I've got reason to believe she's just trying to deflect from her own situation, but hey, I have my own shit to talk about too, right? “It’s nothing big, he’s just kind of… needy lately, I don't know what to make of it.”

“Needier than usual?” Cora arches an eyebrow.

“Hey, he’s not needy!” I retort, my hackles immediately raised in defense of my guy.

“Oh sure, outside of the whole 'needing to constantly fuck like bunnies’ thing, no, he’s a veritable rock, an island.”

This grin won't stay inward no matter how much I force it. Jeff and I may have had a weird moment the other day, but in the grand scheme of things, it still amazes me how peaceful my life has been with him in it. He just makes it so easy to want to be with him all the time. Part of me keeps waiting for the other shoe to drop, for some crazy thing to happen like in all my other relationships, but this one's just so straightforward, so pure.

“I really love him, Cor.”

My friend's wan face suddenly bursts into a bright smile. “Sorry, I was only joking, you guys are sickeningly perfect, you know? Have you said it to him yet?”

“No, not yet, but I’ve been thinking about it a lot. I just…” I stare up at the ceiling, no longer trying to keep the joy off my face, “I trust him so much, you know? To do his part, to be kind, to have good instincts, all of that stuff. It's never been like that with any other guy. Maybe that's why it was so weird when he seemed kinda shifty the other day, it was just different by comparison.”

“Seems like a pretty good problem to have,” she grins. “I love you two, okay? I mean, I stand by my pledge to disembowel him with the headstock of his own bass if he so much as disappoints you with a movie night selection, but… he makes you happier than I think I’ve ever seen you.”

“Stop it you bitch, you're going to make me cry.”

“You're such a baby.” She sticks her tongue out at me, and I know that's all the sap I’m going to get out of Cora until the next full moon, so I decide to change the subject. “Anyway, needy or not, he had his own plans for today. He went mountain biking with Stone.”

And just like that, her whole demeanor changes from warm and open to completely closed off. “Damn, I should have slipped him a twenty to cut Stone’s brakes. The perfect crime.”

“You’re weird when you’re in love, anyone ever tell you that?”

“I’m not in love with Stone,” she scoffs.

“Oh? That’s news to me.”

“Yeah well, it’s been a busy news week.”

“Don’t tell me you guys are in some stupid fight again.”

She gives a shifty glance sideways and then intones, “okayyy, we’re not in some stupid fight again.”

“...Cora?”

“Just following orders.”

Exasperated before I've even heard the backstory, I collapse backward on the couch, although between the two of us, I’m the one who least needs to talk my problems out on a couch. “Alright. Let’s hear it.”

“There’s nothing to hear, Lucy, he’s just an asshole, I was wrong.”

“Wrong about what, exactly?”

“The whole Stone thing, the whole Alex thing, I don’t even know what I was thinking, but I had it all fucking backwards. That’s all, there’s not much to tell.”

“Like hell there’s not! What happened?” And how could it have happened in only two days? 

“Nothing. I talked to Stone, we said some shit, we had a big fight, I realized I had him all wrong, that’s the end of it.”

“And when did you and Stone do all this talking, exactly?”

She toys with her bottom lip and mutters something I can’t quite hear, so I sit up and give her my best no-bullshit face until she spits out, “yesterday morning, at his place.”

“And what were you doing at his place yesterday morning?” I sound like a cross-examiner, which makes me feel a little guilty, but we have to get to the bottom of this.

She winces. “I kinda… sorta... went over there the other night.”

“YOU WHAT?! Way to bury the fucking lede, Cora! What the hell am I supposed to do with you?”

“Love me forever even though I’m a fucking idiot, I thought that was our deal.”

“God damn you. Move over.”

She budges a few inches to the side in the giant armchair so I can squeeze in next to her. “Okay. Tell me everything.”

“I swear, there really isn’t that much to tell,” she whines, looking more wretched than ever.

“I’m going to murder you if you say that one more time, you spent the damn night with Stone! That's a big deal! How did that even happen?”

“I called him Thursday afternoon sometime, I don’t know, I was just… I was feeling so bad about the whole Alex thing, like it was all over and I had to just sit around and wait for him to get home before I could do anything about it. It was such a shitty, angry, powerless feeling. So I stupidly thought that what I needed to just air it all out with Stone.”

“And did you??”

“Yes. I mean, no, not right away, we hung out for a while. But eventually, yeah, we got around to it.”

“I swear to fucking god if you don’t start getting more specific with a quickness…” I hold my hands out menacingly toward her throat.

“Okay okay, I don’t even know, we… we were just hanging out, in this tree, and --”

“Excuse me? You were in a tree with Stone? Are you sure this isn’t a drug trip?”

“-- you wanna hear the story or not? It’s not a big deal, we went for a bike ride to Volunteer Park, there’s this one really beautiful tree he wanted to show me --”

I don’t dare interrupt her again for fear of derailing the story even further, but I’m secretly overcome with love for Jeff when I think about our first date at the park conservatory. And it's mixed with a newfound appreciation for Stone. He may be an immature little snot about a lot of things, but he understands the way to Cora’s heart, that much is clear. After so many years of wanting to share beauty like that with Alex and striking out, it must have meant the world to her.

“-- and we were talking about random stuff and we… well, he… kinda just said it. And then I said it back. The whole ‘I love you’ thing, you know.”

My jaw drops. “He said he loves you? He used the word love?”

“Yeah. A bunch.”

“And you said it back?”

“Yeah,” she screws up her mouth before going on, “and then we kissed, and then went back to his house, and then we kissed and stuff for a while longer, and then we fell asleep. So that’s how I ended up waking up there yesterday.”

“Excuse me, Ms. Shaw, you ‘kissed AND STUFF’? I need a breakdown, what kind of stuff? Did you guys have sex?”

“JESUS, Lucy, no, we just kinda...made out... and stuff, okay?”

“Yeah, okay,” I mock her apathetic tone, “but what does ‘stuff’ mean, you vague little shit?”

“I don’t know… just stuff…”

I’m gonna have a coronary, this is too much. “Yeah but what stuff? How many bases are we talking about here?”

“It doesn’t even matter, we had that stupid fight in the morning so it’s never happening again.”

“Don’t think we are not coming back to the ‘and stuff’ eventually, woman, but fine, have it your way for now. Tell me about this fight.”

She unpacks the whole soap opera. Her anxiety about having cheated on Alex, Stone’s suspicions that Alex has been cheating on her, the two of them taking all their frustrations out on one another, and not even in the fun way. And all I can think is poor, stupid Stone. He’s great for her in a lot of ways, but he’s got a lot to learn, the way he blurted everything out like that. And he can’t say I didn’t try to warn him.

“So, what now?” I nudge her with my shoulder when she’s finally done pouring her heart out.

“What do you mean, what now?”

“Are you gonna talk to Stone? Seems like you guys have to try to fix this.”

“There’s nothing to fix, Lucy, he’s just a lying, manipulative asshole, like they all are. Excuse me, except for Jeff Ament.”

I ignore her dig because I'm too busy analyzing what she's just told me. Somehow I don’t doubt Stone’s accusation one bit. Alex being a cheating bastard would make a lot of sense. Alex bailing on Cora all the time, not calling her when he’s out of town, never wanting to hang out with her friends… I’ve always been the first to try to give him the benefit of the doubt, but that’s over now, there’s just too much evidence. And somehow she thinks Stone’s the lying asshole? Ohh, I’m going to castrate Alex the next time I see him. But that needs to wait, at least until Cora understands why.

“Cora,” I say carefully but clearly, and she listens with wide, wary eyes, “it’s your life, and I’m only going to say this once and then shut up. Stone is a lot of things. But I think you’re wrong about this one. I think you’re too focused on staying put in your relationship even though you’re fucking miserable, and I think you need to apologize to Stone for taking all of that out on him. It’s not his fault you went over there in the first place, you can’t blame him for that. And it’s not his fault Alex is a bad enough boyfriend to raise that kind of suspicion --” she sits bolt upright and tries to cut me off, but I talk over her “-- even if it’s possible that Stone just got the wrong idea. You have to admit it’s not a totally outlandish theory.”

“But whether or not he's right isn't even the point. He lied about it, Lucy,” she persists, sounding genuinely heartbroken all of a sudden. “I thought I could trust him. I honestly thought I had something different with Stone, but it's all the usual self-serving crap.”

“Yeah. I know. Boys are dumb.”

She slumps back into the chair and lets out a “hmph,” I assume of agreement.

“Sooo? What kind of stuff?”

***

“Are you sure you don't wanna go somewhere else? We come here all the time.” I don't sound convincing in the slightest, but I’ve gotta give it a try.

“Wonder why that is,” Jeff rolls his eyes and barges past me through the front door of Cyclops. Oh, excellent, Jeff Diction’s practicing his sarcasm. Whatever, forget him. Just please let her be working tonight. Hey, that Emily girl who works here is nice and seems eager to please... maybe if I bat my eyelashes at her enough, she’ll be able to sneak me Cora’s shift schedule. Not that I want to cause a scene at her work, in fact that's the last thing I want. I just want to talk to her really quick, make sure she's doing alright. We definitely don't need to dissect the whole fight just yet, though. A cooling-off period is probably in order. She deserves a little space, she has every right to be upset.

The place is busy, and Emily looks genuinely apologetic as she says, “I’m really sorry, you guys, Cora’s section is totally full, it's going to be at least twenty minutes.”

“That's okay!” I shout, a little too loudly. Both she and Jeff stare at me like I’ve just sprouted a second head, so I try to pass it off as an effort to be heard above the cafe noise. “You're busy tonight, obviously, we’ll just take whatever opens up for 3. I think we’re expecting one more.”

Emily scans the seating chart and then checks over her shoulder. “There's a table over there in Paul's section?”

“Perfect, you're a doll.”

Jeff gives me another weird look before following the little blonde hostess to our new spot. Reluctantly, I trail after. It's extremely strange to be on this side of the restaurant. I don't think I’ve sat over here since before I met Cora.

“Can I get you folks anything else?”

And just like that, as though thinking of her had summoned her, I hear her voice and whip around to see her standing right there. She's just appeared at the corner of the bar to settle up a table, and either she hasn't noticed me yet or she's determined not to look at me. I think I can hazard a guess. I try to will her to look my direction without making too much of an ass out of myself, but it doesn't work. She turns her back to me after taking orders for another round of drinks and heads toward the bar.  

I join Jeff at the table and let out a huge sigh as I sit down. Jesus, everything hurts. Either I’m coming down with something or I’m getting too old to bike that trail.

“You okay, man?” Jeff scowls.

“Yeah, I’m just tired.”

“You probably feel like shit, same as me, I always forget what a fuckin’ workout that trail is.”

“Yeah, remind me to check later that all my teeth are still in my head, I think a couple of them mighta rattled out when we hit those rocks.”

He chuckles and then looks up when the front door bell chimes. “Oh hey, Mike made it.”

I turn around too fast for the liking of my aching neck, but see McCready chatting up Emily before she points him in our direction.

“Gentlemen,” he beams as he sits down.

“What's with you?” I mutter, not in the mood for any kind of conversation, least of all whatever big secret he’s obviously hoping we'll drag out of him.

“Nothin’, just had a good night.”

Something tells me this is about a girl. It takes all my effort not to snap at him to just spit it out, because some of us spent the night alone with our mistakes echoing through our heads. Some of us. Not naming names.

“You gonna tell us or not?” Jeff prods as our server, this nondescript Paul-looking person, sets a pitcher of beer and some glasses down in front of me.

“Selene came over again last night,” Mike finally crows, looking disgustingly proud of himself.

“Bully for you. Didn't you already get there on Halloween?” I ask, surprising even myself with my sour tone. They both give me confused looks before carrying on like my outburst never happened, which suits me just fine because Cora's back out from behind the bar now, so I can watch her in peace. My bandmates are dissecting what counts as a one night stand, and whether one night stands can be repeating occurrences, and whether you can really be dating someone if you don’t have her phone number or her address or have any way to get in contact with her, and I'm trying to tune all that bullshit out and send telepathic waves across the room to Cora. I'm sorry, I’m sorry, hey, look at me please, I know you know I’m here…

Her eyes snap over to me suddenly and I actually jump. I’m sure I can feel Jeff and Mike staring at me now too, but as long as I have her attention I need to make the most of it.

“Can we talk?” I mouth silently but as exaggeratedly as I can to make sure she understands. “Please?” I add, probably wildly conspicuous. Oh well, I don't care who notices.

“No,” she scoffs, again totally silently, before turning around to get back to her work. I close my eyes for a moment and sigh, wondering how I could be stupid enough to expect anything else after the way we left things, and open them again to see my friends watching me with gaping mouths.

“Dude. What the fuck is going on with you two?” Mike asks bluntly, looking back in Cora's direction.

“Nothing,” I mutter into my beer, trying not to think about the way my throat is starting to ache.

“Seriously man, what happened this time? She looks like she wants to kill you,” Jeff points out helpfully, watching Cora go about her job and occasionally glaring in our direction.

“I mean it, it’s nothing, we just…” they’re both staring at me like I’m insane, so I already know they’re not going to drop it until I give them a morsel of the truth and I’m too tired right now to fight about it, “fine, just don’t make a big deal out of it, okay? She kinda stayed over at my place last night.”

Mike’s eyes bug out of his head and Jeff’s jaw drops even lower.

“You dog!” Mike howls, punching my shoulder and making me wince.

“What do you mean, she kinda stayed over?” Jeff needles me, “was that your idea or hers?”

“Hers. She called me.”

“So she broke up with Alex?”

“Not exactly.”

“So what, you’re the other guy now?”

“Not exactly that either.”

“What does that even mean, dude?” Jeff’s obviously losing patience. I know the feeling, even as regret over the way I acted gnaws at my insides.

“I don’t know. Nothing really happened, though.”

Jeff and Mike respond at the same time, respectively, “yeah, right,” and “I call bullshit.”

“I don’t give a shit, call it whatever you want. Nothing happened. I mean, it wasn’t nothing, I guess, but…”

“You guess??” Jeff presses.

I throw my hands up, feeling cornered and wishing I’d never told them this much in the first place. So much for getting them to leave it alone. “I don’t know… it wasn’t… like, okay, she stayed over, so obviously it’s not nothing, you’re both big boys and I don’t have to explain how that works. But it’s not like you think. Mostly we talked, and just kinda hashed out everything that's been going on with us, and then we sorta fell asleep.”

Mike pounds the table, making my head throb. “You mean to tell me, the girl you’ve been drooling over for months now shows up at your place to jump your bones, and you have a fucking diplomacy summit followed by a slumber party?”

“You know, Mikey, it’s really a shame we don’t let you write more lyrics,” I sneer, leaning my face on my hand to try to stop the pounding at my temple.

“Laugh it up, Gossard, at least I got laid last night.”

“Yeah, well, call me old fashioned, but getting laid kinda becomes less appealing if I know the girl's likely to hate herself in the morning.”

Once again, Jeff and Mike respond at the same time like a pair of wind-up toys released at the same moment.

“Well, that narrows your options down to zero.”

“Shows what you know about getting laid, Stone.”

The two of them break down in fits of laughter, and I’ve had about as much as I can take. “Hilarious. I gotta take a leak, so think up your next stand-up routine while I’m gone, will you?”

I feel lightheaded as I make my way around the bar in the center of the room to the black-painted narrow hallway where the bathrooms are. One of them’s occupied, but the other one’s free. I’ve always thought it was cool that this place never bothered to assign gender to bathroom doors. I grab the free room to do what I came to do, then make a sad attempt to blow my nose, and I’m just opening the door as a familiar redhead rounds the corner and nearly crashes into me on her way back to the kitchen.

“Hi,” I breathe out, feeling dizzy again.

“God, Stone, you look like shit,” she scowls, surveying me up and down.

“Thanks.” I almost point out that she looks a little worse for wear too, but that observation probably won’t help my case.

“Well, if you’ll excuse me…” she makes to duck past me, but catch one of her arms carefully in my hand on her way by.

“Wait. Can we please talk?”

“Here?” she asks, looking around the claustrophobic hallway incredulously.

“I don’t know, wherever, just…”

I don’t get to finish my sentence, because at the sound of a voice approaching around the corner, Cora places both hands on my chest and shoves me backward into the bathroom, closing the door behind us.

I laugh while trying to inhale after she's just pushed all the air out of my lungs, and it ends up turning into a harsh cough. “What gives?”

“Shh! Thought I heard Mike,” she grumbles under her breath, frowning over her shoulder at the door, still not taking her hands off me.

“No, he’s at the table,” I answer in a quiet voice, “why?”

“I just don't need to hear his commentary right now.”

I can't help it, a smile tugs on half of my mouth as I watch her worried expression. “Oh, no, two adults conversing in a hallway, heaven forfend, alert the town elders.”

“Well, if you’re going to be an asshole about it,” she starts to let her hands fall, but I catch them in mine, running my thumbs back and forth over them. She drops her gaze to our hands, still frowning but not pulling away.

“I'm sorry,” I say, almost whispering. “Are you okay?”

“Mmhmm.” She twists her hands free and meets my eyes. “I'm fine.”

“Okay,” I steel myself, “and uh, Mike sort of already knows, you know.”

“You TOLD him??”

“Hey, if your objective was not to be overheard, are you accepting constructive criticism at this time?”

“Shut up, Stone, who else did you tell?”

“Just Mike and Jeff, just now, when they wouldn’t let it go. They kinda picked up on it. I barely told them anything, don’t worry. No more than you’ve probably already told Lucy, anyway.”

She narrows her eyes, and I know I’ve got her, so I’d better not press my luck. “Look, Cora, I just wanted to see how you are, okay?”

“I’m fine,” she repeats coolly, tossing her hair over her shoulder and pursing her lips.

“Okay,” I say slowly, “uhm, and I wanted to say I’m sorry. For, uh, for how I acted.”

“It’s alright, you don’t need to apologize.”

“I don’t?” Her voice is so detached and level, it's worse than being shouted at. Where’s the venom-spitting Cora from the other day? At least I know how to deal with her. This is something entirely new, this distant feeling. I really, really hate it. “What about the whole lying to you thing?”

“No, it doesn’t matter, I think we just need to move on, okay?”

“Move… move on?”

“Yeah. So you lied a little, big deal. Everybody lies a little. I think we both thought that… this… was something it wasn’t. And whatever you think you saw Alex do, it was all just a misunderstanding.”

What? She's not actually defending that guy to me, is she? I have to try hard not to let my annoyance into my voice. “I mean, I’d be glad to be wrong about this, and if I am then I’m sorry, but I know what I saw.”

Cora goes on as though I haven't said anything. “Anyway, I should never have come over there in the first place, so really, I’m the one who should be sorry and not you. I think we just need to act like it never happened.”

“You’re not serious,” I murmur, feeling an unwelcome numbness take over my brain.

“Serious as cancer,” she shrugs. “I was stupid, I lost my head for a little while there, but it was just a mistake.”

“Cora, don’t do this, come on, whatever it was, it's not a mistake...” I’m too worn out to try to say anything more eloquent, so I reach out to put a hand on her arm again, running it up and down gently, trying to get through to her however I can. When she doesn’t recoil, I take her other arm as well, trying to draw her in a little closer, but it’s like she’s stuck to the floor. She closes her eyes, looking pained.

“Stone…”

“Yeah?”

“I have to get back to work.”

Without another word, she works free of my hands and steps out into the hallway, closing the door behind her. I have to lean on the sink to stop from shaking. Jesus, I’m a mess, I just need to get home.

[hvalross-artinactive]

All Of Me

Series: My Hero Academia

Story Rating: Teen (cursing and adult themed humor)

Genre: Romance / Humor

Main Pairing: Bakugou x Koge (OC)

When a raging storm traps her alone with her crush, Koge finds out she's not the only one suffering with unbearable feelings.

'Koge reached up and touched her bottom lip lightly, feeling her stomach churn uneasily. "What just happened? Did he almost kiss me? Or did I almost kiss him?"' Bakugou x Koge (OC) One-Shot

Read On: AO3 | FF.NET

Or below the cut!

Koge gave a small sigh as she flopped down onto her bed in her dorm room, letting her arm fall over her eyes. She was exhausted, the days worth of class and some physical hero training completely wore her out. “I think an early bedtime is a good idea tonight…” After a large stretch, she rolled over onto her side, cuddling her face into her pillow. Even though she was still dressed in her uniform and the light from the room was bright to her tired eyes, her bed was like heaven, and she could already feel herself starting to drift away. Just as she was being pulled into darkness, there was an annoying buzzing, starting through her fingers and vibrating all the way into her mind.

Eventually, it became so annoying that she finally opened her eyes, first noticing the light from her phone, which rested by her left hand. It was buzzing over and over with the screen shining brightly, telling her that she was getting a phone call. Still within the first grips of sleep, she fumbled with it, swiping to answer without even looking at the name. Laying it down on her cheek, she didn’t bother holding it, closing her eyes. “Yes?”

“What the fuck? What type of way is that to answer a phone call, Utsuro.”

“Ah, Katsuki… I’m sorry, I was falling asleep.” Her mood instantly boosted by hearing Bakugou’s voice, on top of the fact that he had actually called her first. She felt her cheeks flush a bit, cuddling a pillow tightly to herself. “I wasn’t expecting a call.”

“Sleeping already? That’s fucking lame.”

“I had a pretty exhausting day. You must be in your dorm room, too. Otherwise you wouldn’t call me.” She could hear the sound of typing in the background, and she guessed he had her on speaker while he was on his computer.

“Yeah. I’m having a fucking problem.”

“A problem? Like what?” Holding her phone to her cheek now, she sat up, giving a yawn as she rubbed her face. “Your computer?”

“Fuck! Yes, I-...” Koge heard him grumble in irritation, and she grew curious if he were hiding something. “Some bullshit is going on with it, I can’t fix it.”

Koge stood, turning her phone on speaker before she placed it on her desk. Walking towards her wardrobe, she began to unbutton her uniform, wanting to change into something casual. “What is it doing?”

“This stupid shit keeps coming up every time I try to use it, even if I restart it. I’ve tried all kinds of things, its fucking pissing me off.”

“Huh, sounds like some type of virus or malware.” As she shed her uniform, she tried to think of what it could be, though found it could be a multitude of things. One of her passions was computers, programming in particular, and she had worked hard to teach herself many things. Every once in a while, she found herself dragged in to helping her friends fix something wrong with their electronics. She didn’t ever mind, as it gave her some extra practice. This time however, did bother her. Not because she was being asked for help, but because of who was asking.

Her crush on Bakugou had escalated since his kidnapping, and she had been struggling with not spilling her guts to him any time they talked. If he asks for help, I’m going to have to go over to his dorm. She thought, pulling on some shorts. And be alone with him. In his dorm room. For who knows how long. Oh god. She swallowed the lump in her throat, buttoning her shorts as she looked over towards her phone, able to hear angry grumbling and typing.

“Well I can’t fucking figure it out, whatever it is! Fix it for me!”

There it was, making Koge’s stomach instantly lurch. Sure, they had been alone together many times through the years, but never like this and not with her feelings so intense. “Want to bring it over here, or..?” Stay cool, it’s fine. It’s fine.

“Just fucking come over here, people will ask a lot of questions if I go walking around. You’re basically invisible, no one ever notices you.”

Koge scoffed, rolling her eyes as she finished dressing, walking back over towards her phone. “Geez, don’t have to rub it in. Besides, that’s not true. You notice me.” She said this with a teasing tone, stifling a giggle at the incoherent ranting that came from the phone speaker. While it was still going on, she turned her phone off speaker, bringing it back up to her ear. “Okay, okay, Katsuki, I know you’re frustrated. It was just a joke.”

“Well you’re fucking shit at jokes. Of course I notice you, I’ve known you for fucking ever. Just hurry up before it gets too late and you can’t come.”

“I’m coming right now.” She grabbed a small bag, taking a moment to shove some snacks inside. “I hope you’re decent.”

“Oh shut up! Just hurry up.”

“I’ll see you in a few minutes.” There was only a huff in response before the phone hung up, and Koge pulled it from her ear to gaze down at her screen. She stared at his name as her phone defaulted to her recent calls list, noticing that out of the first five visible, only one was not him. Feeling her face flush, she sighed, locking her phone and putting it away in her pocket. Stupid jerk. He better tell me thank you after I fix it for him. After taking a quick glance around her room, she headed out, going down the stairs of her dorm building and out the front door without anyone noticing her.

Although all the dorm buildings on the UA campus were all in the same area, hers was a decent walk away from the building for class 1-A. It was a warm evening with the sun already beginning to set behind the trees, though the beauty of the sunset wasn’t what caught Koge’s attention. Dark storm clouds were making their way towards the campus, lightning flashing within the belly of the clouds. It was a huge, dark storm, and Koge could tell it was going to be intense. I hope the power doesn’t go out while I’m working… that would just ruin everything.

Able to make it to the dorm building before the storm hit, Koge headed inside, glancing around. Luckily, anyone who was in the common area were gathered at the windows, conversing about the approaching storm. Before she was noticed, she quickly snuck into the stairway, being sure to close the heavy door as quietly as she could. Although Bakugou picked on her for it, she was glad for this uncanny ability to be quiet and go unnoticed when she did things. It often helped her to avoid unwanted social interaction, and break the rules, much like she was doing now.

Just as she exited the stairway door to Bakugou’s floor, she stopped, hearing someone curse out as the door smacked into them. Holding her breath, she thought about what she could do. Run? Hide? Hit them with the door even harder and hopefully knock them out? No, that’s too much… Suck it up, maybe it’s Katsuki.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t realize someone was there.” She came out from behind the door, immediately feeling her stomach drop when she gazed upon the spiked red hair. Nope, not Katsuki. One eye clenched shut and rubbing his newly injured knee, Kirishima didn’t look up at her at first, too distracted by what had happened. “Ah, well, that’s alright! I mean, the doors don’t have windows, not like you could tell who- hey, wait!” He finally looked up, pointing his finger at her as a curious look came over his features. “What are you doing here?”

Koge clutched the handle of the small bag she carried tighter, hoping he wouldn’t be able to tell how nervous she was. “I, uhm, came to see Katsuki.” Kirishima seemed confused for a moment, placing his hands on his hips. “Bakugou? Why would you- oh!” A sharp toothed grin broke his face. “You’re Koge, right? His friend that’s a second year?” Koge nodded, beginning to scoot her way around him slowly, though he just turned his body to continue to talk to her. “That’s cool! I’m-”

“Eijiro Kirishima. It’s nice to finally meet you.” Koge wasn’t trying to be rude, but her phone was buzzing again, and she knew that it had to be Bakugou losing his patience waiting on her. Though, Kirishima didn’t lose his friendly posture, chuckling instead. “I forgot, everyone in the school knows our names, though I don’t know if that’s a good or bad thing by now. Hey, why are you going in there, anyway? I don’t know if you should, he’s been yelling for the past hour.”

Koge couldn’t help but feel comfortable in his presence. With a personality like this, it feels like you could talk to him for hours. “His computer is broken, I was going to help him fix it.” Another curious look came over Kirishima’s face, looking down the hall towards Bakugou’s door. “Huh? His computer? Well I don’t know why he made you come all the way up here, he could have asked one of us for help. Want me to help-”

“No!” Koge was a bit louder than she had wanted to be, instantly biting the inside of her cheek to scold herself at her mistake. “No, no. Really, it’s okay, I can handle it.” The confused look he gave her only made her embarrassment grow, and she could feel heat rush to her cheeks, trying to avoid eye contact. Kirishima began to quietly snicker, leaning forward a bit to try and catch her eyes. “Oh, I get it. I didn’t know he was dating-”

“We’re not!” Once again, too loud, though this time she couldn’t control her panic as she began to back up towards Bakugou’s door. “We’re not- not, we’re not dating. I’m just being a good, uh, friend, you know. Helping him when he asks. Fearing for my life. You know the drill.” Kirishima laughed, reaching up to rub the back of his neck. “Ah, sorry! Well, I won’t hold you up, then!” He grabbed the handle to the door, flashing her one last grin. “Don’t worry, I’ll keep this quiet to anyone else.” Koge gave a small wave, watching as he vanished behind the door. “Thank you, Eijiro.”

Once she was sure he was gone, Koge groaned out loudly, dragging herself towards Bakugou’s door. Oh god, I hope he didn’t hear any of that, he’ll be so annoyed. Standing before the wooden door, she could almost feel the anger radiating from within, and she knew this was going to be an interesting visit. She knocked a few times, listening as she could hear shuffling from inside. Eventually, the door opened, and Bakugou peered down at her with a sneer. “Finally! What did you do, crawl over here?” He stepped aside to let her in, and she took his invitation gladly. “No, I rolled.”

With a scoff, he shut the door a bit too loudly, storming back over towards his computer desk. “Shut up! Just get over here and help me before the storm hits!” As requested, Koge followed him over, placing her bag down on the desk. Without permission, she sat down in his chair, pulling her legs up to sit cross legged in the seat. “So, what is it doing?” One arm resting on the back of the chair, Bakugou leaned over, messing with the mousepad of the laptop to make the screen come to life. Koge tried to control the heat that wanted to rush to her face, finding his closeness a bit overwhelming in the moment.

“That fucking shit, whatever it is, it won’t go away.” He stood back up, though kept his place beside the chair. Pulling the laptop a bit closer to the edge of the desk, Koge looked over the strange pop-up curiously. “And you can’t do anything? No internet, no documents-”

“No!” Bakugou interrupted her, his patience obviously at it’s limit with the device. “If I didn’t have so much shit I need on it, I’d throw it out the fucking window!” Koge shook her head, beginning her work to rectify his problem, her fingers flying across the keys with her quick typing speed. “No need for that. Oh, I brought you those hot chips you like. They’re in that bag.” Bakugou grumbled as he reached into the bag, pulling out the chips. “Thanks…” His voice already calmer, Koge felt a smile tug at the corner of her lips.

Still, she found that she needed to know what he was doing to cause his computer to be burdened with such a virus, continuing her work as she spoke. “So what were you doing when this came up?” Bakugou was silent for a moment, only the sound of crunching chips coming from him. When he eventually spoke up, Koge could hear the slight uneasiness in his voice, and she didn’t believe him for a second. “I wasn’t doing anything, Utsuro,” he paused to eat another chip. “It just came up.”

Koge gave a small grunt in response, taking a moment to glance up at him. “You were watching porn, weren’t you?” Bakugou instantly went into a coughing fit, choking on the chips he had been eating. He slammed the bag of chips on the counter, leaning on it as he tried to recover, and Koge could see that his face had turned bright red. “No, for fucks sake! I wasn’t doing that shit!” Obviously embarrassed, he stormed away from the desk, leaving Koge giggling to herself and taking his chips with him. “It’s a joke, Katsuki! You’re so cute when you’re embarrassed.”

“Shut up! Don’t call me cute!” He yelled at her from the direction of his bed, and she assumed he had laid down to sulk in his embarrassment. “What the fuck are you trying to do, saying shit like that to me.” Angry munching of chips followed his grumble, though Koge kept her focus on the computer. “Just teasing you, Katsuki. We haven’t gotten to hang out in a while, you’ve been busy getting ready for that license exam.” Finishing up something she was doing, she swiveled the chair around to face the bed, leaning back into it. “It wasn’t porn that it came from, looks like it was from a music file you tried to download. You should be more careful trying to get those things.”

Bakugou only grumbled, avoiding looking at her as he continued to eat the chips. He was sitting on his bed with his back against the wall, his legs stretched out and feet hanging over the edge of the small twin sized mattress. It was obvious to Koge that he was very frustrated, especially with his refusal to look at her, but he was much calmer than he had sounded on the phone. “Can you fix it?” Bakugou mumbled under his breath, his crimson eyes flashing to look at her only for a moment. Koge nodded, fixing her legs so that her knees were up to her chest, wrapping her arms around them. “Yes, I’m running something right now, though it might take at least an hour or so.”

With a small nod, his eyes moved to her once again before focusing on the window in his room. The blinds were open, and the storm clouds were visible, darkening the sky and swallowing the sunlight. Koge didn’t bother to look at it though, her eyes locked on the boy in front of her. Just looking at him made her heart race, feeling as if it were going to fly out of her mouth. Ever since he had been safely returned from his kidnapping, Koge had found herself hopelessly falling for him more and more every day. She was positive that by now, he could tell that she had a crush on him, but he had yet to show much interest. Koge knew that was because either he wasn’t interested, he was too prideful to say anything, or he was nervous about it.

She hoped desperately that it was the last option. Maybe he was just waiting for the right time to say something? Or maybe he wanted her to admit it first? Koge wasn’t sure. But, as he began to lick the red powder from the chips off his finger tips, Koge had to look away, hiding her face in her knees as her body flushed with heat. I wish he’d let me do that for him… No, Koge, stop it! He’ll notice-

“Something wrong, Utsuro?”

It took every inch of Koge’s self control to not jump at his voice, lifting her head up from her knees. “No, no, I’m alright. Still just a bit tired.” Her stomach bubbled violently as he kept a suspicious gaze on her, knowing that he must be able to see the red on her cheeks. Giving a small cough to clear her throat, Koge nodded towards the bag she had brought, deciding to try and change the conversation topic. “I brought some other stuff, too. Uhm… Gummy worms.” Bakugou’s eyes narrowed at her before he scooted to the edge of the bed and stood, walking over to throw the empty bag of chips in a small trash can. “You’re acting weird, Utsuro.”

“Weird?” Koge repeated, hugging onto her legs tighter. “How am I acting weird?” Bakugou pulled his gaze from her to look into the small bag as he came over to dig through it. “I don’t know. You were normal earlier.” A sly smirk crossed his face as he pulled out the previously stated gummy worms, opening the pack. “Are you actually embarrassed to be in my room like this?” Koge shook her head, doing her best to keep all emotions buried deep down. “No. I’ve been alone with you in a bedroom before.”

Bakugou scoffed, leaning on the desk as he ate one of the candies. “Not since before you moved, we haven’t. You are all fucking shy about it, aren’t you?” He pulled another from the bag, tossing it at her and hitting her in the cheek. Koge gave a small finch as it hit her, reaching up to grab it as it landed on her knee before popping it into her mouth. “I’m not, I’m totally fine.” I’m not totally fine, I’m dying on the inside.

After taking a glance to see what the computer was doing, Bakugou walked back over to his bed, sitting on the edge. “Yeah, sure. How long is that fucking thing going to take?” Koge gave a small shrug, turning the chair to look at it before facing him again. “I’m not sure… It’s not running as fast as I had hoped.” She watched him for a moment, craving another candy. “Toss me one?” Bakugou looked at the worm in his hand, folding it in half. “Open you mouth, I bet I can make it.” Though Koge felt the heat return to her face, she scoffed playfully, putting her legs down. “Yeah right, I bet you can’t.”

“Watch me! Do it!” A determined look came over his features as he readied himself to throw it. Koge gave a small roll of her eyes, opening her mouth and awaiting the candy as demanded. She gave a small gasp as it smacked into her cheek with quite a bit of force, bouncing off her face and landing on the floor. “Ow! Katsuki, throw it gently!” Bakugou scoffed, grabbing another candy. “Fucking ‘ow’, yeah right, you wimp. You’ve taken a punch from me in the face during training, and you’re saying ‘ow’ to a fucking gummy worm?”

Koge narrowed her eyes at him, gripping onto the arms of the chair as she braced her feet on the floor. “Bring it, then. Unless you can’t even throw a damn gummy worm.” She had to resist laughing at the glare he gave her, finding it hilarious how serious he was taking this, watching as he squished the gummy worm between this fingers. “Open your mouth, I won’t miss this time!” Koge did so, giving a yelp as the candy hit her in the eye this time. “Ouch! Katsuki!” Bakugou growled, crushing the bag in his fist. “Damn it, Utsuro, stop moving!”

Crossing her arms, Koge glared at him. “Excuse me? I’m not moving at all! You just have bad aim.” Bakugou grabbed more worms out of the bag. “My aim is perfect! You just have a tiny, useless mouth!” Koge felt her face flush, though she leaned back in the chair, laughing. “A tiny, useless mouth!?” She was unable to stop laughing, leaning back further in the chair, not noticing it squeak under her movements. “Katsuki, you’re so funny!”

Bakugou growled, standing in his frustration. “I’m not trying to be funny! I’m serious, you-” He was interrupted as Koge gave a squeal, the chair she sat in suddenly giving out under her leaning and falling to the ground. Now it was his turn to laugh, cackling at her as she rolled onto the floor out of the chair. “Holy shit, you busted your ass!”

Koge groaned, rubbing her head as she stayed on the ground. “K-Katsuki, I think your chair is broken, that shouldn’t have happened.” Through one squinted eye, she gazed up at him as he walked over, squatting down beside her. “Oh yeah, I broke it a while ago. Guess I should have told you not to lean back.” Koge glowered up at him, reached up to lightly flick him on the nose. “Jerk.” Bakugou gave a small jump at her flick, snatching onto her wrist with a snarl. “Hey! Don’t flick me like that!” Koge’s glare moved to his hand, feeling her heart racing at the heat and roughness of his palm.

Before she could say anything, he gripped her other arm and pulled her to sit up. “Get up off the floor.” As he pulled her up, her legs fumbled a bit with the chair, giving a wince as her forehead bumped into his chin. “Ow! You’re doing nothing but hurting me tod-” Her words caught in her throat as she looked up at him, feeling shock rush through her at how close she was to his face. Bakugou seemed surprised for a moment as well, though neither of them made a move to back away.

What’s going on…? Why isn’t he moving away? Koge could feel her face burning as she stared up at him, feeling his grip grow hotter against her skin. Her heartbeat was pounding all the way up into her ears, baffled by his calm expression and refusal to back away. Get away from me, Katsuki. I can’t do this. I can’t be this close to you! She could feel her entire body beginning to tremble, her mind barely registering that another inch had vanished between them. She could almost feel his lips against hers, the scent of whatever he was wearing making her head spin.

I can’t… Katsuki-

Just as her lips parted, her bottom lip brushing against his, a huge clash of thunder shook the building, lightning flashing into the room and breaking them out of their daze. His face flushing bright red, Bakugou brought a hand up and put it over her face, pushing her back a bit as he stood. “What the fuck are you doing, Utsuro?!” Koge was pushed back to sit on her butt, staring up at him in shock as he walked away. “I… Katsuki-”

“I’ll be back.” He didn’t look back at her as he walked out of the room, leaving her alone, trembling and confused. Her heart still pounding heavily, Koge reached up and touched her bottom lip lightly, feeling her stomach churn uneasily. What just happened? Did he almost kiss me? Or did I almost kiss him? She stood on trembling legs, taking a moment to pick up the crippled chair. She felt as if she were in a dream, as if she had really fallen asleep in her dorm room and this was all in her head. That couldn’t have just happened…

Nearly feeling faint, she sat back down into the chair, spinning it back towards the computer. “Oh… It’s ready…” Feeling tears beginning to well up in her eyes, she reached up and covered her mouth, pulling her legs back up into the chair. W-what do I do? What do I do now? He must be upset if he walked out like that.

Hugging her legs to her chest, she hid her face in her knees, breathing heavily as she tried to control her tears. “Damn it… I probably ruined everything.” She wasn’t sure how long she sat in silence by herself, though by the time she finally lifted her head, the room was filled by the sounds of the violent storm outside. Sniffing, she wiped her eyes and scooted the chair closer to the desk, going back to working on the computer to distract herself.

Eventually, the door opened behind her, though she didn’t have it in her to turn around to face him. Instead, she continued her work, listening as the door shut and the familiar sound of his footsteps went towards the bed. Fingers trembling, she found it harder to type, wanting nothing more than to talk to him. Still, she felt strangled, as if her vocal cords were tied in knots. She could only hope that he would say something to her first so that she would be forced to respond.

No luck. The two of them sat in silence for nearly an hour and a half, Koge focused on her work. As if in a daze, she was surprised when she finally finished, feeling her heart sink and stomach bubble in fear. I have to say something now… Suck it up. Be brave… He’ll hate it if I act like a stupid whiny girl. Swallowing the lump in her throat, she pushed the laptop back into its normal spot. “I’ve fixed it, Katsuki. Sorry it took so long.”

Shuffling sounds from the bed were the first response, a quiet sigh following. “Thanks. Just close it.” Koge was surprised he hadn’t wanted to come see her work and verify it was indeed done, though she shut it as instructed. “You don’t want to come see? What if I just broke it worse and I’m pretending?”

“I trust you.”

Koge felt her heart skip, feeling the heat return to her face. Turning her head, she looked at the window, noticing that it had gotten dark, but the storm was still raging. The sound of the rain was incredibly loud, and Koge hated the thought of having to walk back in it. Pushing herself back from the desk, she stood, taking a deep breath before she turned to face him. She nearly jumped out of her skin at the glare on his face, crossing her arms tightly over her chest as she returned a similar scowl. “What are you looking at me like that for?”

Bakugou narrowed his eyes at her, sitting on the edge of his bed with his elbows resting on his knees. Clasping his hands together, his glare moved towards the window. “You can’t go back to your dorm in this shit show. Go find a girl to stay with.” Koge shifted in her spot, looking back at the window. “I… don’t know any of these girls. Honestly, I’d rather walk back. Maybe I can-” Bakugou growled, standing. “No! I’m not letting you walk back in this. You could get sick or something.” Koge moved her hands to her hips, raising an eyebrow at him. “Not letting me? I think I can make my own decisions.”

His glare moved back down to her, though Koge found this frustration new. She was unsure of what it was exactly, but she assumed it has something to do with their moment earlier. A guilt was creeping over her, feeling as if him being upset was her fault at this point. Her posture and expression relaxing, she reached out and gently placed a hand over his clenched fist. “Katsuki… Are you mad at me?” Immediately, his glare softened, though it was quick to return, pushing her hand off of his. “No! I’m not mad!” Koge took her hand back, crossing her arms back over her chest.

“Then what is all of this glaring and yelling at me about? You must be mad about something.” She watched him as he went over to the window, shutting the blinds to hide the storm. Bakugou stood with his back to her, giving a sigh as he shoved his hands into his sweatpants pockets. “Utsuro, you seriously piss me off sometimes. But I’m not mad at you. You need to find a place to stay, this storm isn’t going to be over until late.” Koge tapped her foot on the ground, a bit frustrated that he wasn’t telling her what was wrong, but she decided not to push him on it for now.

She sighed, reaching up to rub one of her tired eyes. “Well, I don’t think I could stay with one of these girls, I don’t know any of them… What if I just sleep on your floor?” Bakugou turned back towards her, a bit surprised at the suggestion. “What? No, I’m not going to let you sleep on my fucking floor. I’ll sleep on the floor, you take the bed.” Koge shook her head, narrowing her eyes at him. “No way, that’s your bed, I can’t kick you out of it.”

“You’re not kicking me out of it, it’s my decision!”

“I’d rather walk back than make you sleep on the floor, Katsuki.”

“You can’t walk back in this!”

“So then what are we supposed to do? Sleep in the same bed like when we were kids?”

Silence fell over the two as they stared at each other, Koge feeling the heat in her face slowly creep up the longer he stared at her in bewilderment. Eventually, she grew uncomfortable, shifting in her spot. “Are you just going to stare at me?” Bakugou shook his head, turning his back to her again. “We’re not kids anymore, we can’t do that.” Koge gave a small nod, looking down towards the small bed. “We could always put a couple of pillows between us, if you really think you can’t control yourself.”

“That’s not it, you idiot!” Bakugou snapped at her, turning his head to glare at her over his shoulder. “I’m not some idiot pervert like that Grape-Shit who can’t control himself in front of a woman.” Koge noticed that his cheek and ear facing her were bright red, and she guessed she had struck a nerve. “I know, Katsuki, you’re responsible. That’s why I trust you. And who’s a ‘Grape-Shit’?” Bakugou growled in frustration, walking away and towards the closet. “No one, forget it. I’m sick of fighting with you about it, I’m tired. Make up your damn mind.”

Koge rubbed the back of her neck, watching him pull another pillow and blanket from the closet. “Well you won’t let me leave. I won’t sleep in a girls room because I don’t know them. You won’t let me sleep on the floor, and I won’t let you sleep on the floor. So either one of us has to give in, or we have to agree-” She squeaked as Bakugou threw the pillow at her face, making her grab it in a rush before it fell. Hugging it to herself tightly, she watched as he folded the blanket already on the bed over to one side before putting the other over the other half. “We’ll use two different blankets and put a pillow between. We’ll get in so much trouble if we’re caught like this, so you have to leave early in the morning.”

Giving a small nod, she could feel her stomach bubbling with nerves, regretting that she had actually suggested this. She knew it wasn’t going to turn out well, but she couldn’t deny that she was kind of excited. Although she didn’t expect something to happen, she hoped that it would. To wake up accidentally cuddling would be wonderful. Walking over to the bed, she put her pillow down in the empty spot. “Katsuki…” Her eyes were locked on the third pillow tossed onto the bed, unable to handle it eating at her any further.

“What?” Bakugou turned on a lamp beside the bed before he walked back towards the door, turning off the main light. Koge sat down on the edge of the bed, assuming she was going to have the outside end and he was going to be against the wall. “Should we talk about earlier? I-”

“No. Lay down and go to sleep.” Bakugou growled at her, getting in on his side of the bed, wrapping himself into his blanket as tightly as he could with the middle pillow at his back. Koge felt her heart drop as she watched him, feeling a sadness grow within her. “Okay…” I guess it had just been me, then… Reaching over, she turned off the lamp before laying down as well, the pillow feeling more like a rock between them. It perfectly resembled the wall she felt had grown, separating their emotional connection like she had never felt before. He was deeply bothered by what had happened, and so was she, but at this rate, he would end up letting it go like it never happened.

Keeping herself as close to the edge of the bed as she could, she kept her blanket tightly around her, feeling a chill set in as she listened to the storm. It was raging, just as her mind was, and she eventually settled into a restless sleep.

…

Koge was pulled from sleep by an uncomfortable pressure on her knee, her mind swimming in a fuzzy haze from being in a restless state of unconsciousness. Besides the weird pressure on her knee, she was comfortable and warm, relaxed by the light sound of rain hitting the window. Turning her face more into the soft warmth of her blanket, she shifted her leg just a bit, relieving the pressure to her bone. The weight settled on her thigh instead, resting there comfortably. Must be my blanket all bunched up… She thought to herself, her mind still groggy in the grips of sleep. Man it’s hot in here, though…

The chill that she had fallen asleep with was no longer present. Instead, she was swallowed in a heavy warmth, cocooning her completely. I really like this blanket… Maybe I’ll steal it from him. She buried her face deeper into the soft cloth, feeling an annoying tingling of a chilled nose against the heat. Though, the longer she laid there, the more she came to realize something wasn’t quite right. The blanket he had given her was thin and made of a rougher woven material, nothing like the smooth, soft cloth her face was hidden in. On top of that, she felt as if it were moving, pressing back against her face in a slow, rhythmic motion.

As her mind began to awaken, she noticed more things that should not be. Her legs were trapped, swallowed by an unknown force. In fact, her entire body was in some sort of tight grip, able to feel it resting across her torso and back, pinning her arm down to her chest. Moving her fingers a bit, she could feel the same soft fabric that her face was pressed into, only on the top of her hand instead. Her palm and underside of her forearm were pressed into a hard warmth, able to feel it moving against her in the same pattern as the pressure against her face. Panic began to build within her, mind racing as she finally realized what was happening.

Oh shit… he’s holding me!

Now fully awake and body rushing with adrenaline, Koge opened her eyes, immediately met with the color red. Neither of their blankets had been red, nor the pillows. This was the shirt he had fallen asleep in, warm and soft against her skin. Although she wanted to jump away, to push him off and run out of the door, she found herself frozen, trapped in his grip and by her own fear. I can’t believe this. I knew this was going to happen! If I wake him up, he’s going to totally freak out and never talk to me again, I know it! Koge tried to move her arm, glancing down as she noticed it was quite stuck, both under his grip and by the cloth of his shirt. In a panic, she nearly wanted to scream, noticing that her arm was up inside his shirt. Oh fuck! My arm is in his shirt! How did I do that!? I can’t move it, I’ll end up moving his arm. Damn it, what do I do!

She could feel tears beginning to build up, the familiar burn making her clench her eyes shut tightly. Don’t cry. It’s fine, he’s obviously deep in sleep, he doesn’t realize what’s happening. Taking in a deep breath, she slowly tilted her head up to look at his face, feeling her cheeks flush even hotter. Sure, she had seen him sleeping before, but never this intimately.  Bakugou’s expression was soft, the hard frown lines erased from his features. In the dim light of the dawn coming through the window, Koge could have sworn he was glowing, able to feel her heart pounding heavily all through her body. He’s so gorgeous. I hate him.

Looking away, her eyes fell to his neck, racking her brain for what to do. I could just fall back asleep and enjoy this while I can… Pretend it didn’t happen when I wake up. No, I’d never be able to pretend, I’m going to want this forever. I never expected him to be this cuddly. Swallowing the lump in her throat, she shifted her arm just a bit, trying to slowly wiggle it out of his shirt. As she was almost free, Bakugou shifted, giving a groan as he stretched his body. Fearful, Koge froze, biting onto her bottom lip as he squeezed her as he would a pillow. A little tight there!

Her head was bent back as he pulled her up, pressing his cheek into her forehead and resting his head against hers. With a sigh, his body relaxed back into deep sleep, leaving Koge frozen, her lips dangerously close to his and arm even further up his shirt. Damn it… Katsuki, I hate you. I love you and I hate you all at the same time. Closing her eyes, she wished that she would wake up from this dream and find that they were still separated by that pillow. Calm down… Just go back to sleep… Enjoy it. I may never have this again…

Letting out a small, shaking sigh, Koge began to relax, soaking in the feeling of his warmth and strong embrace. She felt warm and safe, as if she were always meant to be like this. Near drifting off, she felt a change in his breathing, noticing it become faster. His grip on her became tighter,  arm shifting and hand moving to caress the curve of her back.

Oh no, he's awake! Koge tried to stay still, tried to pretend that she was still asleep. Though, she couldn't control the pounding of her heart, and she was sure that the flushing of her cheeks was visible. She must have been convincing, however, as he didn't dare move another inch. Her arm still up inside his shirt, she could feel his heartbeat quicken, and she hoped that it wasn’t from anger. Go back to sleep… Please… As if responding to her thoughts in defiance, his hand slowly slid up her back, caressing her form with the same strong grip and making her stomach violently twist with butterflies.

“Koge…”

Emotions boiling out of control at the use of her first name, Koge opened her eyes, her entire body trembling violently as her gaze locked with his. Vision blurry with tears, she began to breathe heavily, becoming terrified as her mind raced with thoughts of what he was going to say or do. “K-Katsu-” She was cut off, his lips suddenly crashing down on hers, pulling her into a hot and passionate kiss. At first, she was shocked and confused, releasing a muffled gasp as she was completely engulfed in his fire. Unable to resist the burning heat, she opened herself to him completely, her arm sliding around his torso to pull him in closer.

By the time he finally pulled away, they were both breathless and she was on her back, his body pressing into hers as if he had a desperate need to be close to her. Still trembling and her chest pressing against his with each heavy breath, Koge looked up at him, feeling her heart melt from the fiery passion in his gaze. “I… Thought you said you could control yourself.” Bakugou brought one of his hands up to cup her cheek, his thumb running across her sore bottom lip with a soft touch that made her skin tingle with goosebumps. With a small shake of his head, he leaned his forehead against hers, his hand sliding up to tangle into her hair.

“Around women, sure.” His voice was unlike anything Koge had heard from him before, quiet and low, and it only made her body grow warmer. “But not you. I can’t control myself around you anymore.” He kissed her again, softer this time, before continuing. “And I’m not a fucking moron. I see the way you look at me, so I’ve known how you feel about me.” Koge felt her cheeks somehow grow hotter, able to feel it all the way to her ears. Clutching onto him tighter, she tried to control the swelling happiness growing within her, not wanting to cry over this and scare him off.

“Katsuki… I’ve had a crush on  you for years. But I never thought you would like me in any way more than just a friend.” She ran her fingers through his hair gently, her emotional walls crumbling, voice trembling as she spoke. “If you’re going to give me anything… I want all of you. For as long as you’ll have me.”

Bakugou scoffed, nudging her nose with his own. “Don’t be such a baby. Like I told you, the day I came home from being taken… There’s no reason I’d want to leave you.” Koge couldn’t stop the tears this time, clenching her eyes shut tightly as they fell. “Katsuki… You’re being too nice, I’m not used to this, it’s making me cry.” With a growl, Bakugou pinched her cheek, making her squeal and wiggle in discomfort. “Shut up, Utsuro, and stop crying! You’re supposed to be happy.”

Koge sniffed, reaching up to wipe her cheek of tears. “But I am happy.” After a small hiccup, she smiled up at him, making his face and ears instantly flush dark red. “I’m always happy with you.” Bakugou grumbled as he looked away, putting a hand over her face. “Don’t smile at me like that, it drives me crazy.” Koge giggled behind his hand, kissing his calloused palm gently. “Well… I guess I’m going to have to apologize to Eijiro.” Bakugou’s gaze instantly moved back to her, confusion on his face. “Huh? What do you mean?”

Koge’s smile was still present as he removed his hand. “I guess technically I lied to him yesterday. I hit him with the door coming in, and he assumed we were dating. I told him we weren’t, but now…”

Bakugou gave a huff, obviously embarrassed that she had talked to one of his friends like that. “Don’t tell him that, he’ll figure it out on his own. You’re both stupid.” Koge giggled as he leaned in and kissed her cheek in a rough, playful manner, making her clutch back onto him tightly. “If you want all of me, you have it...” He spoke with lips to her ear, his voice sending tingles raging down her spine.

“As long as I can have all of you in return.”

[hansexpression]

David Foster Wallace’s commencement speech at Kenyon College, 2005

(If anybody feels like perspiring [cough], I'd advise you to go ahead, because I'm sure going to. In fact I'm gonna [mumbles while pulling up his gown and taking out a handkerchief from his pocket].) Greetings ["parents"?] and congratulations to Kenyon's graduating class of 2005. There are these two young fish swimming along and they happen to meet an older fish swimming the other way, who nods at them and says "Morning, boys. How's the water?" And the two young fish swim on for a bit, and then eventually one of them looks over at the other and goes "What the hell is water?"

This is a standard requirement of US commencement speeches, the deployment of didactic little parable-ish stories. The story ["thing"] turns out to be one of the better, less bullshitty conventions of the genre, but if you're worried that I plan to present myself here as the wise, older fish explaining what water is to you younger fish, please don't be. I am not the wise old fish. The point of the fish story is merely that the most obvious, important realities are often the ones that are hardest to see and talk about. Stated as an English sentence, of course, this is just a banal platitude, but the fact is that in the day to day trenches of adult existence, banal platitudes can have a life or death importance, or so I wish to suggest to you on this dry and lovely morning.

Of course the main requirement of speeches like this is that I'm supposed to talk about your liberal arts education's meaning, to try to explain why the degree you are about to receive has actual human value instead of just a material payoff. So let's talk about the single most pervasive cliché in the commencement speech genre, which is that a liberal arts education is not so much about filling you up with knowledge as it is about "teaching you how to think". If you're like me as a student, you've never liked hearing this, and you tend to feel a bit insulted by the claim that you needed anybody to teach you how to think, since the fact that you even got admitted to a college this good seems like proof that you already know how to think. But I'm going to posit to you that the liberal arts cliché turns out not to be insulting at all, because the really significant education in thinking that we're supposed to get in a place like this isn't really about the capacity to think, but rather about the choice of what to think about. If your total freedom of choice regarding what to think about seems too obvious to waste time discussing, I'd ask you to think about fish and water, and to bracket for just a few minutes your scepticism about the value of the totally obvious.

Here's another didactic little story. There are these two guys sitting together in a bar in the remote Alaskan wilderness. One of the guys is religious, the other is an atheist, and the two are arguing about the existence of God with that special intensity that comes after about the fourth beer. And the atheist says: "Look, it's not like I don't have actual reasons for not believing in God. It's not like I haven't ever experimented with the whole God and prayer thing. Just last month I got caught away from the camp in that terrible blizzard, and I was totally lost and I couldn't see a thing, and it was 50 below, and so I tried it: I fell to my knees in the snow and cried out 'Oh, God, if there is a God, I'm lost in this blizzard, and I'm gonna die if you don't help me.'" And now, in the bar, the religious guy looks at the atheist all puzzled. "Well then you must believe now," he says, "After all, here you are, alive." The atheist just rolls his eyes. "No, man, all that was was a couple Eskimos happened to come wandering by and showed me the way back to camp."

It's easy to run this story through kind of a standard liberal arts analysis: the exact same experience can mean two totally different things to two different people, given those people's two different belief templates and two different ways of constructing meaning from experience. Because we prize tolerance and diversity of belief, nowhere in our liberal arts analysis do we want to claim that one guy's interpretation is true and the other guy's is false or bad. Which is fine, except we also never end up talking about just where these individual templates and beliefs come from. Meaning, where they come from INSIDE the two guys. As if a person's most basic orientation toward the world, and the meaning of his experience were somehow just hard-wired, like height or shoe-size; or automatically absorbed from the culture, like language. As if how we construct meaning were not actually a matter of personal, intentional choice. Plus, there's the whole matter of arrogance. The nonreligious guy is so totally certain in his dismissal of the possibility that the passing Eskimos had anything to do with his prayer for help. True, there are plenty of religious people who seem arrogant and certain of their own interpretations, too. They're probably even more repulsive than atheists, at least to most of us. But religious dogmatists' problem is exactly the same as the story's unbeliever: blind certainty, a close-mindedness that amounts to an imprisonment so total that the prisoner doesn't even know he's locked up.

The point here is that I think this is one part of what teaching me how to think is really supposed to mean. To be just a little less arrogant. To have just a little critical awareness about myself and my certainties. Because a huge percentage of the stuff that I tend to be automatically certain of is, it turns out, totally wrong and deluded. I have learned this the hard way, as I predict you graduates will, too.

Here is just one example of the total wrongness of something I tend to be automatically sure of: everything in my own immediate experience supports my deep belief that I am the absolute centre of the universe; the realest, most vivid and important person in existence. We rarely think about this sort of natural, basic self-centredness because it's so socially repulsive. But it's pretty much the same for all of us. It is our default setting, hard-wired into our boards at birth. Think about it: there is no experience you have had that you are not the absolute centre of. The world as you experience it is there in front of YOU or behind YOU, to the left or right of YOU, on YOUR TV or YOUR monitor. And so on. Other people's thoughts and feelings have to be communicated to you somehow, but your own are so immediate, urgent, real.

Please don't worry that I'm getting ready to lecture you about compassion or other-directedness or all the so-called virtues. This is not a matter of virtue. It's a matter of my choosing to do the work of somehow altering or getting free of my natural, hard-wired default setting which is to be deeply and literally self-centered and to see and interpret everything through this lens of self. People who can adjust their natural default setting this way are often described as being "well-adjusted", which I suggest to you is not an accidental term.

Given the triumphant academic setting here, an obvious question is how much of this work of adjusting our default setting involves actual knowledge or intellect. This question gets very tricky. Probably the most dangerous thing about an academic education—least in my own case—is that it enables my tendency to over-intellectualise stuff, to get lost in abstract argument inside my head, instead of simply paying attention to what is going on right in front of me, paying attention to what is going on inside me.

As I'm sure you guys know by now, it is extremely difficult to stay alert and attentive, instead of getting hypnotised by the constant monologue inside your own head (may be happening right now). Twenty years after my own graduation, I have come gradually to understand that the liberal arts cliché about teaching you how to think is actually shorthand for a much deeper, more serious idea: learning how to think really means learning how to exercise some control over how and what you think. It means being conscious and aware enough to choose what you pay attention to and to choose how you construct meaning from experience. Because if you cannot exercise this kind of choice in adult life, you will be totally hosed. Think of the old cliché about "the mind being an excellent servant but a terrible master".

This, like many clichés, so lame and unexciting on the surface, actually expresses a great and terrible truth. It is not the least bit coincidental that adults who commit suicide with firearms almost always shoot themselves in: the head. They shoot the terrible master. And the truth is that most of these suicides are actually dead long before they pull the trigger.

And I submit that this is what the real, no bullshit value of your liberal arts education is supposed to be about: how to keep from going through your comfortable, prosperous, respectable adult life dead, unconscious, a slave to your head and to your natural default setting of being uniquely, completely, imperially alone day in and day out. That may sound like hyperbole, or abstract nonsense. Let's get concrete. The plain fact is that you graduating seniors do not yet have any clue what "day in day out" really means. There happen to be whole, large parts of adult American life that nobody talks about in commencement speeches. One such part involves boredom, routine and petty frustration. The parents and older folks here will know all too well what I'm talking about.

By way of example, let's say it's an average adult day, and you get up in the morning, go to your challenging, white-collar, college-graduate job, and you work hard for eight or ten hours, and at the end of the day you're tired and somewhat stressed and all you want is to go home and have a good supper and maybe unwind for an hour, and then hit the sack early because, of course, you have to get up the next day and do it all again. But then you remember there's no food at home. You haven't had time to shop this week because of your challenging job, and so now after work you have to get in your car and drive to the supermarket. It's the end of the work day and the traffic is apt to be: very bad. So getting to the store takes way longer than it should, and when you finally get there, the supermarket is very crowded, because of course it's the time of day when all the other people with jobs also try to squeeze in some grocery shopping. And the store is hideously lit and infused with soul-killing muzak or corporate pop and it's pretty much the last place you want to be but you can't just get in and quickly out; you have to wander all over the huge, over-lit store's confusing aisles to find the stuff you want and you have to manoeuvre your junky cart through all these other tired, hurried people with carts (et cetera, et cetera, cutting stuff out because this is a long ceremony) and eventually you get all your supper supplies, except now it turns out there aren't enough check-out lanes open even though it's the end-of-the-day rush. So the checkout line is incredibly long, which is stupid and infuriating. But you can't take your frustration out on the frantic lady working the register, who is overworked at a job whose daily tedium and meaninglessness surpasses the imagination of any of us here at a prestigious college.

But anyway, you finally get to the checkout line's front, and you pay for your food, and you get told to "Have a nice day" in a voice that is the absolute voice of death. Then you have to take your creepy, flimsy, plastic bags of groceries in your cart with the one crazy wheel that pulls maddeningly to the left, all the way out through the crowded, bumpy, littery parking lot, and then you have to drive all the way home through slow, heavy, SUV-intensive, rush-hour traffic, et cetera et cetera.

Everyone here has done this, of course. But it hasn't yet been part of you graduates' actual life routine, day after week after month after year.

But it will be. And many more dreary, annoying, seemingly meaningless routines besides. But that is not the point. The point is that petty, frustrating crap like this is exactly where the work of choosing is gonna come in. Because the traffic jams and crowded aisles and long checkout lines give me time to think, and if I don't make a conscious decision about how to think and what to pay attention to, I'm gonna be pissed and miserable every time I have to shop. Because my natural default setting is the certainty that situations like this are really all about me. About MY hungriness and MY fatigue and MY desire to just get home, and it's going to seem for all the world like everybody else is just in my way. And who are all these people in my way? And look at how repulsive most of them are, and how stupid and cow-like and dead-eyed and nonhuman they seem in the checkout line, or at how annoying and rude it is that people are talking loudly on cell phones in the middle of the line. And look at how deeply and personally unfair this is.

Or, of course, if I'm in a more socially conscious liberal arts form of my default setting, I can spend time in the end-of-the-day traffic being disgusted about all the huge, stupid, lane-blocking SUV's and Hummers and V-12 pickup trucks, burning their wasteful, selfish, 40-gallon tanks of gas, and I can dwell on the fact that the patriotic or religious bumper-stickers always seem to be on the biggest, most disgustingly selfish vehicles, driven by the ugliest [responding here to loud applause] (this is an example of how NOT to think, though) most disgustingly selfish vehicles, driven by the ugliest, most inconsiderate and aggressive drivers. And I can think about how our children's children will despise us for wasting all the future's fuel, and probably screwing up the climate, and how spoiled and stupid and selfish and disgusting we all are, and how modern consumer society just sucks, and so forth and so on.

You get the idea.

If I choose to think this way in a store and on the freeway, fine. Lots of us do. Except thinking this way tends to be so easy and automatic that it doesn't have to be a choice. It is my natural default setting. It's the automatic way that I experience the boring, frustrating, crowded parts of adult life when I'm operating on the automatic, unconscious belief that I am the centre of the world, and that my immediate needs and feelings are what should determine the world's priorities.

The thing is that, of course, there are totally different ways to think about these kinds of situations. In this traffic, all these vehicles stopped and idling in my way, it's not impossible that some of these people in SUV's have been in horrible auto accidents in the past, and now find driving so terrifying that their therapist has all but ordered them to get a huge, heavy SUV so they can feel safe enough to drive. Or that the Hummer that just cut me off is maybe being driven by a father whose little child is hurt or sick in the seat next to him, and he's trying to get this kid to the hospital, and he's in a bigger, more legitimate hurry than I am: it is actually I who am in HIS way.

Or I can choose to force myself to consider the likelihood that everyone else in the supermarket's checkout line is just as bored and frustrated as I am, and that some of these people probably have harder, more tedious and painful lives than I do.

Again, please don't think that I'm giving you moral advice, or that I'm saying you are supposed to think this way, or that anyone expects you to just automatically do it. Because it's hard. It takes will and effort, and if you are like me, some days you won't be able to do it, or you just flat out won't want to.

But most days, if you're aware enough to give yourself a choice, you can choose to look differently at this fat, dead-eyed, over-made-up lady who just screamed at her kid in the checkout line. Maybe she's not usually like this. Maybe she's been up three straight nights holding the hand of a husband who is dying of bone cancer. Or maybe this very lady is the low-wage clerk at the motor vehicle department, who just yesterday helped your spouse resolve a horrific, infuriating, red-tape problem through some small act of bureaucratic kindness. Of course, none of this is likely, but it's also not impossible. It just depends what you want to consider. If you're automatically sure that you know what reality is, and you are operating on your default setting, then you, like me, probably won't consider possibilities that aren't annoying and miserable. But if you really learn how to pay attention, then you will know there are other options. It will actually be within your power to experience a crowded, hot, slow, consumer-hell type situation as not only meaningful, but sacred, on fire with the same force that made the stars: love, fellowship, the mystical oneness of all things deep down.

Not that that mystical stuff is necessarily true. The only thing that's capital-T True is that you get to decide how you're gonna try to see it.

This, I submit, is the freedom of a real education, of learning how to be well-adjusted. You get to consciously decide what has meaning and what doesn't. You get to decide what to worship.

Because here's something else that's weird but true: in the day-to-day trenches of adult life, there is actually no such thing as atheism. There is no such thing as not worshipping. Everybody worships. The only choice we get is what to worship. And the compelling reason for maybe choosing some sort of god or spiritual-type thing to worship—be it JC or Allah, be it YHWH or the Wiccan Mother Goddess, or the Four Noble Truths, or some inviolable set of ethical principles—is that pretty much anything else you worship will eat you alive. If you worship money and things, if they are where you tap real meaning in life, then you will never have enough, never feel you have enough. It's the truth. Worship your body and beauty and sexual allure and you will always feel ugly. And when time and age start showing, you will die a million deaths before they finally grieve you. On one level, we all know this stuff already. It's been codified as myths, proverbs, clichés, epigrams, parables; the skeleton of every great story. The whole trick is keeping the truth up front in daily consciousness.

Worship power, you will end up feeling weak and afraid, and you will need ever more power over others to numb you to your own fear. Worship your intellect, being seen as smart, you will end up feeling stupid, a fraud, always on the verge of being found out. But the insidious thing about these forms of worship is not that they're evil or sinful, it's that they're unconscious. They are default settings.

They're the kind of worship you just gradually slip into, day after day, getting more and more selective about what you see and how you measure value without ever being fully aware that that's what you're doing.

And the so-called real world will not discourage you from operating on your default settings, because the so-called real world of men and money and power hums merrily along in a pool of fear and anger and frustration and craving and worship of self. Our own present culture has harnessed these forces in ways that have yielded extraordinary wealth and comfort and personal freedom. The freedom all to be lords of our tiny skull-sized kingdoms, alone at the centre of all creation. This kind of freedom has much to recommend it. But of course there are all different kinds of freedom, and the kind that is most precious you will not hear much talk about much in the great outside world of wanting and achieving.... The really important kind of freedom involves attention and awareness and discipline, and being able truly to care about other people and to sacrifice for them over and over in myriad petty, unsexy ways every day.

That is real freedom. That is being educated, and understanding how to think. The alternative is unconsciousness, the default setting, the rat race, the constant gnawing sense of having had, and lost, some infinite thing.

I know that this stuff probably doesn't sound fun and breezy or grandly inspirational the way a commencement speech is supposed to sound. What it is, as far as I can see, is the capital-T Truth, with a whole lot of rhetorical niceties stripped away. You are, of course, free to think of it whatever you wish. But please don't just dismiss it as just some finger-wagging Dr Laura sermon. None of this stuff is really about morality or religion or dogma or big fancy questions of life after death.

The capital-T Truth is about life BEFORE death.

It is about the real value of a real education, which has almost nothing to do with knowledge, and everything to do with simple awareness; awareness of what is so real and essential, so hidden in plain sight all around us, all the time, that we have to keep reminding ourselves over and over:

"This is water."

"This is water."

It is unimaginably hard to do this, to stay conscious and alive in the adult world day in and day out. Which means yet another grand cliché turns out to be true: your education really IS the job of a lifetime. And it commences: now.

I wish you way more than luck.

[kittyboo8015]

Eruri Drabble

For my favorite Dad, @ackbang

I know you didn’t ask for this but I’ve always wanted to write something for you and I felt inspired by your response to an ask about Levi being a chef and Erwin trying to help out and messing up. This is my take on that. I hope you like it and I love you ❤️

Erwin furrowed his brows in concentration as he slowly fed the dough through the pasta maker. He watched in anticipation as the noodles arrived safely and unbroken draped over his awaiting hand. A satisfied smile crossed his face as he carefully lowered the pasta into the boiling water on the stove.

A nervous excitement buzzed in his veins as he stirred the freshly made tomato sauce he had prepared earlier, bubbling at a perfect simmer. Erwin chuckled to himself as he thought back to a point in time when he had never eaten foods that didn’t come from a jar or box with the words ‘easy’ or ‘fast’ on the label.

_______________

When he and Levi had first started dating, Erwin had never used any kitchen appliances outside of the fridge and microwave. He had been perfectly content with just popping something in, hitting some buttons and being able to scarf it down in minutes.

That had all changed after a disastrous first attempt at surprising Levi with a homemade dinner. Erwin had felt a bit nervous about cooking a meal for his boyfriend, whom just happened to be a professional chef at a busy restaurant downtown. It had been a match made in heaven as far as Erwin was concerned.

Levi liked to cook and Erwin liked to eat. Not only that but Erwin’s eyes had been opened to the world beyond the realm of TV dinners and instant ramen. Levi made such amazing meals for the both of them even when he was tired from a full day’s work. Erwin appreciated that so much that he had decided that he would give Levi a break and return the favor.

Even though Erwin had no cooking experience other than microwaving from his college days and the instructions he had glanced at on wikihow, he figured it couldn’t be that hard. He had chosen to make spaghetti with tomato sauce since the recipe seemed to be straightforward and was even accompanied by pictures. It also involved very few appliances which was good because Levi’s fancy kitchen was pretty much like the small man’s work persona: pristine and intimidating.

Erwin gathered the tomatoes, onions and garlic that the recipe had called for and placed them on the counter. The next step was to boil the tomatoes and sauté the onion and garlic in some olive oil. After taking another glance at the directions on his phone, he noticed that the estimated cooking time was at least 2 hours from start to finish. Erwin now regretted procrastinating for most of the afternoon. After studying the steps again, he figured he could combine a few and still be done before Levi arrived home from work.

Erwin hacked up some onions and garlic and crammed them into the blender along with some tomatoes.He then set a pot with water on the stove and plopped the noodles in. He put the lid on the blender and flipped the switch. The machine made a small screeching sound and then quieted down to a hum. All seemed well so he decided to text Mike about a meme Hange had sent him earlier that he thought was hilarious.

Moments later all hell had broken loose when the lid from the blender shot off towards the ceiling, the contents inside erupting like a geyser covering the once gleaming stainless steel appliances in a torrent of puréed vegetables. Erwin gaped at the scene before him in amazement that turned into sheer panic. Just when he thought that things couldn’t get any worse, he then heard footsteps approaching before they stopped abruptly and a confused “What..the..Fuck?” sounded from the kitchen entrance.

Erwin sighed and turned to face his boyfriend. Levi’s expression appeared to be somewhere between disbelief and disgust. “I tried to surprise you with dinner and I messed up, I’m sorry Levi.” Erwin replied softly and awaited the wrath that was sure to follow.

Levi remained silent and moved forward into the kitchen. Erwin watched anxiously as Levi surveyed the dripping walls and then plucked uncooked pasta from the pot on the stove. Erwin swallowed nervously when Levi turned his attention back to him.

Levi shook his head and pinched the bridge of his nose. “You’re lucky I love you, ya know that?” Levi asked.

Erwin gave a solemn nod. “I know.” He murmured apologetically.

Levi then sprang into action. “First we’re going to clean this shit up, then we’re ordering takeout and starting tomorrow I’m teaching you how to cook.” Levi ordered as he handed Erwin a bucket and sponge.

“Thank you Levi, I appreciate it.” Erwin murmured apologetically.

Levi sighed.”I’m just glad that you didn’t hurt yourself, idiot. I still love you.” He replied as he swatted Erwin’s ass as he moved past him to get started.

____________________

Levi kept true to his promise and taught Erwin how to cook as they prepared dinner together on the weekends. Erwin enjoyed watching Levi move around the kitchen with the grace of an experienced dancer while Erwin was more like a lame horse. He cherished those lessons because not only did he learn how to cook, he felt that his bond with Levi grew even stronger.

Levi never did forget the dinner disaster but thankfully the only time it ever came up was at social gatherings among friends when Levi overindulged in cocktails which happened pretty rarely. As soon as Erwin heard the words; “Hey Erwin, remember the time you surprised me by making dinner?” He would excuse himself from the room with a groan.

___________

The timer on the oven chimed loudly bringing Erwin back from his memories and into the present. He grabbed some oven mitts and removed the garlic bread from the oven and placed it in the bread basket to cool. He then proceeded to set the table and plated the food knowing that Levi would arrive home at any moment. The only mishap was a small sauce stain on the tablecloth but it was easily remedied by a strategically placed candle holder.

Levi arrived on time as usual and Erwin had met him at the door. “Well I didn’t see any ambulances or fire trucks outside so I’m guessing everything went ok?”Levi asked trying to hide a smile.

Erwin pouted. “Thanks for the vote of confidence darling.” Erwin sulked.

“I’m kidding, you sap.” Levi replied as he walked into the dining room.

__________________

Dinner went perfectly much to Erwin’s relief. Levi actually finished his plate and Erwin beamed with pride at the silent compliment. Levi was not one to feign satisfaction and Erwin loved him for that.

Finally Levi leaned forward and looked Erwin in the eyes. “Hey, do you remember that time-“

Erwin groaned. “Really, Levi?” He interrupted growing irritated.

Levi held up one finger. “ I wasn’t finished, don’t be rude.” He chided. “Remember That time you made that fucking amazing dinner and I let you eat your favorite dessert in bed?”

A crooked grin crossed Erwin’s face when Levi grabbed the strawberries and whipped cream from the refrigerator. “I can’t say I do.” Erwin said huskily.

“Well, get naked and meet me in the bedroom and I’ll make sure you’ll never forget.” Levi purred as he walked past.

[szopenhauer]

Do you have a Beatles shirt? why would I? Do you know anyone who is going through a hard time? ... me?... Do you stay up really late, or are you one of the first people asleep? stay up late

Do have any plans for this evening? nope How has this day been for you? sigh... Did you get to sleep in today? nope Is life at all what you expected it to be when you were a kid? pfft The last thing that made you angry? What about sad? no comment Do you think about the way things used to be often? mhm Is there anyone that you would like for things to be the same with? grandma for example What do you feel like right now? ugh... The last text message you recieved says? “Może coś pooglądam” When was the last time you totally freaked out? recently

What did you do in 2020 that you’d never done before? had sex

Did anyone close to you give birth this year? my ex friends

Did anyone close to you die? no one close

What would you like to have in 2021 that you lacked in 2020? health, money, peace or however to call this state

Did you suffer illness or injury? sadly

What was the best thing you bought? can’t decide

What song will always remind you of 2020? shitload

What do you wish you’d done more of? eat if possible

What do you wish you’d done less of? worry, spend time visiting doctors, paying for meds, suffering, waste of time and money <yadda, yadda, yadda> *wash hands - jk

What did you want and not get? medical help and job

How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2020? nothing has changed

What kept you sane? internet (music, games, tumblr and such), my gf, dad, sleeping, shopping... 

What issue stirred you the most? mine or world problems?

would you ever watch a bullfight? I’m against bull fights would you ever travel to Greece? not interested what sound can you hear right now? sawing wood and washing machine

Do you remember what you wore yesterday? had my blue pants with daisies and SW tee with plaid sleeveles shirt over it What is your favorite kind of fabric? cotton and polyester? Would you consider your voice high, low, or in the middle? childish, weird

When did you first hear of Harry Potter? my elementary school bestie been obsessed with it

How many pictures do you take a month on average? *shrug* Are you the type people should take seriously, or should they think you’re joking most of the time? I’m often joking but it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t take me srsly at all, you know? What do you think of therapists? useless Do you have a bad temper? do I? What do you think about how around Halloween a lot of people harm black cats? that is a dumb excuse, not that anything gives you right to hurt cats in other situation than protecting yourself/someone from an attack Would you ever go to a sperm bank to get pregnant? creepy Do you have the same initials as anyone else you know? no one I know has initials like I do What do you think of people who use the saying, “Ignorance is bliss” in defense of something?  that’s true but we can’t be ignorant all the damn time  If a little kid walked up to you and asked, “Are you goth?”, how would you respond? awww thx but I’m not Does it annoy you when people say their heart is “broken”? only when they reffer to crush they never even spoken to once  Would you rather hang out with friends, hang out with one close friend, or be alone? be alone Would you know exactly how to help a person if they were choking on something? in theory, I’d try my best What are you listening to? Talor Swift - Love story Have you ever painted one of those “Paint By Numbers” things? several times

What color is your carpet? no carpet in my room

Do you have shower curtains? we don’t 

Do you think Oprah is lame? Ellen is

Do you play with dead bugs? *screams and runs away*

What was the last bug you killed? mosquito?

Do you flush trash down the toilet? that can clog the toilet so nope

How many country songs have you heard today? not a single one

How many yellow shoes do you own? 1 pair

Don’t you just love those ‘Axe’ commercials? they’re incredibly stupid and irritating

Did you know that the average human eats 8 total spiders in their sleep? I heard

If you had to switch races, what would you be? asian?

What is your favorite shade of blue? navy?

Have you ever thought about getting a mohawk? in middle school I had this idea for a moment :x

What’s your favorite extinct animal? mammoth, dodo, moa

What’s your favorite eating utensil? tiny forks are cute and wooden spoons are nostalgic

When was the last time your stomach growled in a quiet place? this or last month *awkward*

Have you ever rolled around in wet grass? not wet

Where was the last public bathroom you used located? KFC

Have you ever dipped a guy’s hand in warm water while they were sleeping? I’m not an asshole

Do you ever imagine random people in their underwear? whaaat?

Do you have any asian neighbors? our neighborhood ain’t diverse

Does your grandmother/grandfather use a walker? cane

Do you die without chewing gum?apparently not. I haven’t had gum in years and I’m still here.

Are you glad it’s summer? yasss How many calories would you say you take in a day? fuck off Have you ever pissed outside? more than once Ever not liked someone because of their race? I’m not a racist Are you pregnant? I an asexual lesbian and have period rn... Do you wanna be? no way in hell Do you share a bathroom? with fam Do you hate it? YES Describe your entire family in 3 words. mom, dad, sister Do you shower once daily? yep

Are you by any chance a perfectionist? slightly How would you react if your artwork became famous? wow

Would you turn people into stone if you could? waste of space, who would want to look at those statues?  Have you ever cooked a cake over a campfire? (I have, it worked ^_^) it’s possible?! good to know Are there any orange clocks in your house? why orange... Do you put shampoo in your left or right hand? ... left? When you take a drink of something, do you hold your pinky up? often  Which shoe do you put on first? whichever What will you eat next? rice or oatmeal? Name something that you have more than 28 of. problems  Do you like peas? why not Do you enjoy llamas? yup

[anxious-band-pan]

A list of random crackheadery from high school cause I low key miss it

“I’m gonna yeet myself into the afterlife”

“I’m gonna rotisserie cook your future children and eat them”

“KARMA’S A B*TCH!” Yelled while playing a game of uno in homeroom very loudly

a kid walked around our lunchroom with a fake blue bird pinned in his hair which was life size and honestly the weirdest part of lunch

“What should i put on my shirt for (x club)? It’s between uwu, Space Boi uwu, and rawr XD. My goal is to be as cringey as possible.”

*crying* “Well you just threw off my groove and i-“

(To the tune of G-6) “I’m a dumb bish, I’m a dumb bish”

“(X name)! How far would you have been if i didn’t stop you to tell you you’re a thot”. “Probably yeeted off a bridge by now”

“He just looks like a sad pigeon with a boss hat”

(To the tune of celebrate good times) “end my suffering, come on!”

“My hands are white!” “YOU’RE WHITE!”

“I’m a firm believer in don’t judge something unless you try it, unless it’s illegal or drugs; don’t do drugs kids”

“.....but not all dogs can fit on skateboards!”

“Can we just cut my legs off and sell them”

“Invade my body, daddy bacteria”

“That’s what I imagine it would sound like if a spider ran in tap shoes”

“My church had an average attendance of 421 this year, we were so freaking close”

“Did you know that Waluigi has the same number of syllables as hallelujah, so if you think of any song with hallelujah in it you can replace it with Waluigi and it’ll fit”

“Anyone wanna feel my swollen gland”

“Your gay is like your mother’s tendency to sleep with men: plentiful”

“If being gay is a sin is satan the gay fairy”

“Vines are like actual vines: you get stuck and you never get out” “vines can choke you though” “Yes choke me daddy vine”

“You are each gonna have a burger component on your back” “I wanna be the meat ;)”

“Grab me however you want daddy hamburger”

*showing a paper with a picture of a bottom bun* “I guess you could say I’m a.... bottom”

“STOP EATING THE DUCT TAPE!”

“Shut up, don’t talk about my potatoes like that”

“Can you snort tide pods”

*whisper screaming and hitting a chair* “WHY IS COTTON EYED JOE BACK”

“But if two furries screw, is god cool with that?”

“PHD- pretty high dolphins”

“Do crocs have memory foam? i think not”

“I’ve run out of creative ways to whip”

“This is why we shouldn’t legalize weed, because we’re having this conversation sober”

“Don’t you just get sad every time a chair dies”

“Praise our lord and savior, Magic Mike”

“I’ll give you fifty bucks if you can guess what’s in my thermos.” “Coffee.” “No. It’s chicken noodle soup”

“I’m gonna eat your fingernails” “did you say EAT” “yeah, I’m gonna chew his fingernails off”

“I already went back to Mexico”

“You’re the BFG” “How so” “Big Frickin Gay”

“But since you’re gay, would you date me if i was” “the only way I’d date you is if you were an online catfish”

“We have a speaker with fake arms today” “he cant bring those in the school those are weapons” “how is he gonna throw them?” “With his feet”

“did you say the THOT police?” “no you idiot the THOUGHT police”

“I’m not scared of Russia. Like honestly i can beat them”

“I share a brian with satan and it smells shirty” (not a typo. Those exact words. I think it was making fun of a typo)

“I look like I’m about to go repaint all my mugs with lead paint”

“And today on the game show of sentences i never thought I’d have to say: it’s not a necklace if you buy it in the pet aisle of walmart”

“You look like the kind of person who would cut spaghetti with dull scissors”

“Hey, hey, hey, not in my f***ing Christian Minecraft server”

“We’re all going to hell” “Not me” “listen we’re in a school we’re already there” “True”

*to the tune of “what is love? Baby don’t hurt me”* “POKÉMON! BABY DON’T HURT ME, DON’T HURT ME, NO MORE”

“YO! PITBULL JUST CAME IN AND OFFERED DONUTS!”

“I’m gonna suck your eyeballs”

“Are we not allowed to have our nails painted since we’re guys” -a definite female, to another definite female

“Ok, so here’s the deal: straight people are uncooked spaghetti. Gay people are cooked rotini. I’m kinda like a cooked spaghetti. I’m not straight, I’m in between.” “The Italian is now interested I’m here what’s up with pasta”

“This song reminds me of Mexican food” “How does this remind you of Mexican food it’s jazz?”

“You’re not allowed to switch schools, I need my twin cop”

“You guys are the reason I wanna die” “you guys are the reason I drink”

*taking a huge drink of peanut butter hot chocolate* “I’m allergic to peanut butter” “THEN WHY DID YOU DRINK IT????” “Because i wanna die”

“so there’s two kinds of country hicks: the yee haws and the haw yees. Now the yee haws are the ones in country songs, they’re vaguely normal and drink and do horse riding stuff. The haw yees are the ones who fish with their hands and then f*** their cousins afterwards”

“Pop is just spicy water”

“I’m sorry, it’s not pizza Steve anymore” “Who is it” “the fresh prince of bel air”

A kid took his phone out of the microwave like that was a normal thing that humans do

“BUT IS HE DATING THE DEER?!”

“Chinese people eat cats, why not lesbians?” *teacher looks up* “saying Chinese people eat cats is too far”

“A gryffindor and a ravenclaw ooh this is good”

Two girls at the exact same time: *Gasp* TEA!

*girl leans back and cracks her head on a counter kind of thing* a friend:”that’s the third f***ing time!”

“SUCK MY WEENIS!”

“If you ever need a professional con artist I’m here” *teacher looks up* “you didn’t hear that” teacher:”hear what”

“Guys I’m stupid. You know when there’s a big number and then a lil number what’s the lil one called” “exponent?” “Yeah!”

*impersonating yoda screaming*

*chugging coffee* “well, I’m still just as tired, but now my atoms are just jazzed.”

“Not to quote Frozen, but you can’t marry a man you just met!”

“Not knowing what kind of exorcise people are talking about is always interesting, because I don’t know if we’re talking about working out or satan”

“If we actually die in the scene where they kill themselves, do we get bonus?” Teacher: *sighs* “sure.”

“Physically you have hair but spiritually you’re bald.”

*Singing boyfriend by BTR for about an hour straight*

“Stop saying teehee you sound like off brand Michael Jackson”

“He smells dead mice for a living!”

*kicking someone’s foot off a ledge* “long live the king!”

*holding a banana like a weapon* “give me all your debt!”

“I want my fingers to be four inches long”

“Let me read your head for a second”

“Oh no you’re white out now”

“This is what happens when your insides are cold”

“Did you just call me a dumb banana?”

“So Kelvin is Fahrenheit...”

“Let me add another fat roll to your arm”

“You wanna see a cute pic of my baby nephew?” “Sure but I might cry”

“Listen I need these pictures to load so I can see if my goats are being little crackheads”

“I keep trying to see if you’re a VSCO girl but you’re holding out on us”

“Pumpkin. Spice. Bleach.”

“I’m already a mother and I don’t like it.”

“This is a vegan cult, Jessica”

“Did you just say you started a religion?” “Yeah, I think I’ll call it the Fedoras”

“Isn’t a fedora just like... a cowboy hat but formal”

“Yes choke me daddy panic”

“I’m your emotional support crackhead deal with it”

“She got possessed by country satan”

“If you think about it toes are just little feet”

“Oh my god imagine if you pronounced Roosevelt like goose”

“Roosevelt got really sad when i broke up with him.”

“I love how I just classified reaper as its own state of being”

“So Santa’s not a cryptid”

“We’re not meat creatures like crabs”

“Do you want to be a famous writing?”

“Self care is becoming a breaded chicken tender on the weekends”

“You are a little yellow boy”

“I gotta look up how to have a stroke”

“At least you still have straight privilege”

“You piece of b*tch”

“Children having skulls is scary”

“You wanna crochet my friend a rat”

“If you kill yourself and you have a life insurance policy that your family then collects, is that insurance fraud?”

“Spaghetti man is talking about pregnancy and I’m scared”

“You’re the cutest trash I’ve ever seen”

“Poetry? Lame. DriversEd? Lame. Dousing myself in butter and becoming a dinner roll? F*ckin’ MINT”

“Finally, an invention to get rid of me” *zooms in on words garbage disposal*

“Is Swiper from Dora a furry or an actual fox?”

“I’m laughing because I just realized the word identity has t*tty in it”

“Oh my god I thought Paris was a country”

“Girl if you are having a baby this month the only thing you are birthing is FLAT Stanley”

“My eyes really said gardening”

“I snorted soapy water this morning”

“Intestines: do you really need them or are they a social construct?”

“I watched the first episode of that show illegally, and it was great”

“How much does a hit man cost in this economy?”

“Is santa wearing stripper heels?”

“No, I didn’t give birth to a baby cow”

“I am a whole grape not a raisin”

“I’ve decided on my career. I’m becoming a hit man for cheap”

“And you fought the tomato”

“You can be gay with the homeless”

[artificialqueens]

Weirdly Perfect Part 2 (Trixya) – First S Phoenix

A/N: Here’s the less angsty second part I was promising-though there is still some angst in there (mostly on Trixie’s end) before we get to the happy ending these two deserve (this is also the part that makes the title make sense btw). Once again, I want to thank anyone who reads this and feedback is definitely encouraged. Also, I wanted to give a special thanks to everyone that liked and commented on part 1-I really, really appreciate it.

We had spent the last few hours filming. Usually, being around Katya (especially after not seeing her in what felt like forever) would give me all the energy and cheerfulness I needed to power through (no matter how exhausted I felt) and make the episodes funny and entertaining (joking around with your best friend is supposed to be easy, isn’t it?). But today I just couldn’t bear it.

I arrived to WOW a little later than usual due to my jet lag, a sleepless night of unwelcome but unpreventable sobbing, and my desire to avoid Katya for as long as possible (no matter how counterproductive it was). Luckily, Katya was already seated and having what looked like an animated conversation with Pete, so my arrival went unnoticed. I quickly tore my eyes away from him and slipped into the dressing room to finish getting ready. It hurt to even look at him now. Knowing that any bad pun or silly story or steadying grasp after laughing too hard (I don’t care what Katya says, I know he actually doesn’t mind being touched) will never mean as much to him (since it’s coming from me and not his man) is heart-shattering.

After collecting myself (or at least attempting to) and giving my hair another quick fluff, I made my way to set where I was met with Katya’s brilliant smile (the smile that I used to think was just for me, the smile that used to simultaneously make my heart and stomach flutter).

“Why if it isn’t the one and only Tracy Joanne Mary-Louise Elizabeth Martel. Long time, no see…or call or text. What’s new, Elisabeth Shue?”

“Oh, you know, just the usual,” I mumbled lamely, looking down to smooth out my already wrinkle-free dress.

“The usual,” Katya replied in loud disbelief. “Mama, you’re telling me that spending a weekend engulfed in all the love, merchandizing opportunities, and taxi pollution that DragCon NYC has to offer is just the same old-same old?”

“Look, we’ll talk later, okay,” I responded a little harsher than I meant to. “I think we both have a lot to tell each other but for now, let’s just get this over with.”

With that Katya’s face fell, all giddiness gone. He softly nodded his consent and turned back around to face the cameras and begin.

And that brings us to the present, back at Katya’s apartment, needing to make good on the unwelcome though necessary promise of “we’ll talk later.”

“So, kissing me is weird, is it? Well, it’s a good thing you never let me fuck you then Barbara, cause that would’ve felt real unusual,” Katya jokes, his smile not reaching his eyes. He leans back, bracing his strong veiny forearms on his bed, the bed where it all began (though last time we were in Boston, not California, and I didn’t want to simultaneously fuck, yell at, and ball my eyes out to my best friend). His eyes seem to be looking into my soul for answers and for the first time I feel uncomfortable under his gaze.

“What was I supposed to say,” I reply in frustration. “I didn’t want to give people the wrong impression of our relationship.”

Katya looks at me with doubtful eyes as he opens his mouth to speak, but I immediately cut him off. It seems in the battle of regret, sorrow, anger, and horniness raging in my brain, anger is winning out.

“And who are you to judge,” I sharply question him. “You go off on tangents about me all the time. You once spent a solid minute and a half talking about my dick but I don’t complain to you about it.”

“I wasn’t complaining about anything and you know it,” Katya responds stoically, trying to remain calm. “I was just wondering out loud why you would characterize that moment as weird of all things when that certainly wasn’t how I felt about it.”

“Am I not allowed to feel how I feel,” I whine back, knowing I sound like a petulant child but too riled up to care.

“And the bigger issue of this pointless though seemingly inescapable fight,” Katya continues without acknowledging my complaint. “Is the fact that you’ve been snippy with me all day after not speaking to me almost all weekend. And I know that it’s more than just you being tired so if that’s your excuse you can save it. If I did something to piss you off please just tell me instead of putting us through all this.”

“Why do you care anyway,” I snap back, ignoring his plea. I see his eyes widen in hurt and surprise. “I think we can both be professional enough to get through UNHhhh but why do we need to be friends outside of work? Like you said, our relationship is only professional,” I say, repeating the line from his Instagram Live that I had practically memorized.

“When did I say that,” Katya questions, irritation evident in his voice. “Sure, our relationship is professional sometimes but it’s so much more than that and you know it. I might have had a hard time reigning in my feelings for a little while but that’s done now. And since the thought of kissing me seems to have caused you all this anguish…”

“You’re one to talk,” I interrupt, jealousy and heartbreak taking over (that’s done now taking the place of I’m in love as some of the most upsetting words I’d ever heard Katya say). “You must not enjoy kissing me much either since you now have this new man you’re in love with. Oh, and thanks for telling me about him by the way. Tell me Katya, if we’re such good friends, then how come I had to find out about the new love of your life on social media like all your other fans?”

Through all my yelling, my reeling head can only imagine Katya in the arms of a large muscular man (his usual type) who can make him smile and laugh with ease and doesn’t get into petty fights over nothing and argue with her over his own hurt feelings.

“I’m just sorry I’m not enough for you. I’m just sorry Trixie is just too much of a sissy for you to even consider being with,” I say (my step-dad’s voice loud in my head, intermingled with images of Katya’s new boyfriend). That last part came out with much less force than I wanted and my cheeks flush in embarrassment as I fight (unsuccessfully) to keep my tears from spilling.

Katya’s face immediately softens as realization dawns on him after taking in everything I’ve just admitted.

“Bri, you know that’s not true,” he replies in a now more gentle, sympathetic tone. He moves his hand to tenderly cup my tear-stained cheek. “You’re a bourbon-slinging, banjo plucking, tall drink of sparkling water with extra lemon…and you’re the strongest man I know.”

“Not strong enough to tell you how I feel until it’s too late,” I mutter, moving out of his grasp to turn away from him.

“Is that what this was all about,” Katya asks as he regards me cautiously.

Without looking up at him I faintly nod, my cheeks still red with humiliation.

“It’s never too late for you Brian,” he begins reassuringly as I raise my head to look at him. “I could be entering a wormhole just about to reunite with my dead dad and gather proof of extraterrestrial life that would finally garner me the respect that a female scientist of my caliber deserves…”

I subtly roll my eyes and start to move away again but he grabs my wrist and pulls me back to face him, his eyes bearing into mine with complete seriousness.

“…and you could call me up on the space phone and tell me to turn around and bring my ass back home and I would. Fuck, of course I would, because it’s you I’m talking to on the other line,” he finishes, breath slightly ragged after his confession. His earnest gaze is now joined by a timid yet hopeful smile as his thumb lightly caresses the wrist he’s still holding.

“Is the space phone ringing, Brian? Do you need me to come back home,” Katya asks with a hint of Maureen-voice that I can tell he’s trying to suppress (due to the seriousness of the moment and all).

A small smile forms on my face and with that his grin instantly widens.

“First of all, I don’t think space phones are a thing…at all. And second, I would never ask you to give up…”

And just like that we’re in his bed again and his lips are on mine and under us the sheets are soft, contrasting with his familiar rough hands now running up my arms and tugging at my shirt. His hot, tobacco-tinged breath now passing my lips and filling my mouth as our tongues tentatively brush against one another. This time we both feel it. This time I know.

Both breathless, we simultaneously pull away reluctantly and I reach out to stroke the back of his neck which has started to dampen with sweat.

“Was that too weird for you,” Katya questions mischievously though I can sense a touch of uneasiness as he awaits my reply.

“Yes,” I answer with a knowing smirk as I pull him towards me for another kiss, “But it was perfect.” 

[whydontweband]

The Melody In My Head (A Jonah Marais Imagine)

Masterlist

Part One

*As Requested*

Disclaimer: Because this request contained more in-depth plot-lines and story segments, it will be divided into three parts, posted at different times

Have a lovely day!

Word Count: 2329

Description: In which your boyfriend, Jonah, hears you singing to yourself and, on a whim, records it. Funny, how one simple recording, posted to the internet, can change someone’s life forever.

    I’d never been a very outgoing person. Even as a kid, I’d always preferred the company of my own imagination and thoughts to those of other children. I never tried out for any extra-curriculars, never managed to make more than a handful of friends, never really became anything. I was always just Y/N, the girl at the back of the class, with my head in a book, keeping to myself, not rocking the boat. I was a freshman in university at Stanford now, my dream school, because being smart had always been the only thing that I really excelled at. That may come across as sounding insecure to some people, but I don’t think of it that way. I never really valued anything over my education, not even my social life. Which made it particularly shocking to the few who know me well when the word broke that I’d started dating a rising international pop star. I remember the first day after the word hit the internet, a few articles had hit the tabloids, and a few photographs of us on a date at the park had surfaced; my mom called me up on the phone to make sure I hadn’t had a social breakdown. My few closest friends had called to see if I was being held against my will. Of course, neither of those things were true, but to this day I’ll get comments on how different we are- and truthfully I don’t know if I could explain how we fell in love if it would save my life. Some things are inexplicable, and when they happen it takes most everyone by surprise, even though it suddenly becomes the most natural and comfortable thing in the world for you. I’d been with Jonah for about a year now, and while most everyone is supportive, I’d be lying if I didn’t notice a blog post here or tabloid story there, talking about how odd it is that such an outgoing and self-assured guy like Jonah would be dating such an introverted, anti-social Brainiac like myself. I’d seen more than a few fans comment how it reminded them of Troy and Gabriella from High School Musical, but I’d never seen much of Gabriella in myself. Maybe Kelsey, but without the piano skills, or Ryan Evans. Nevertheless, we somehow fit together, and somewhere along the road, he’d become my favorite person, which is a massive step up from my previous favorite person- no one.

“Hey babe, the boys and I are heading out for pizza, you sure you don’t wanna come?” Jonah shouted from down the hall. I nibbled absentmindedly on the edge of my ballpoint pen as I continued copying down the notes from last weeks lecture into more legible handwriting. Smiling softly, I shook my head, before realizing he couldn’t see me.

“No, that’s ok! You guys have fun!” I replied, loud enough for him to hear as I went back to shuffling through loads of scrap paper that I’d assembled in a quasi-organized heap on Jonah’s bed. My apartment was much closer to campus, but on the weekends breaks I would come stay at the boys house. It was currently almost summer break, and I was doing some last minute cramming before finals- before I would be free for the entire summer. Jonah peeked his head in from around the corner of the door, smiling cutely as he walked in, wearing a yellow and black Thrasher t-shirt, torn black skinny jeans and a pair of grey Yeezy’s. I smiled, sighing as I laid back on the cushions of his bed, tired from all of the work I’d been doing as he leaned over me.

“How’d I get such an amazing girlfriend?” He mumbled softly as I giggled.

“Probably because your lame-ass was scouting for girls at the library, and I was the only one there under 100.” I chuckled. Jonah laughed, shaking his head as he leaned down and kissed my forehead.

“And I thank my lucky stars every day that I chose you over Ruth, you’re a lot prettier, and your teeth are a lot more real.” He quipped. I smiled, rolling my eyes as I shoved him slightly.

“Go on, have fun with the guys.” Jonah pouted, pretending to be offended as I giggled.

“It’d be more fun if you came too, ya know.” I shook my head, pursing my lips jokingly and shaking my head like a difficult child.

“Mmm, hard pass.” Jonah sulked playfully as I shook my head.

“J, clubbing is so not my scene, you know that.” I replied softly. Jonah smiled, nodding softly.

“I know, Y/N. Alright, well listen- we should be back around 1 or so, but don’t wait up. Tomorrow I promise we’ll have a night in, just you and me.” I smiled, biting my lip bashfully and nodding.

“Ok, sounds good.” Jonah grinned, towering over me as he leaned down and kissed me softly.

“I’ll see you later, baby.” He takes my hand in his, our fingers weaving together as he squeezes it tightly, before letting it go.

“Mkay, I love you.”

“I love you mooooore.” He cooed as he made his way towards the door. I rolled my eyes playfully, waving him off as I replied.

“Not even remotely possible.” Jonah smirked, shaking his head.

“Argument for another time, then.” He patted the doorway before heading out, and I listened as his shoes collided one by one with the stairs as he made his way to the front door where the other guys were inevitably waiting. I smiled to myself, before sitting up and continuing my work.

    After several more hours of note taking and study materials, my brain had been officially fried. Rubbing my sleep-deprived eyes, I sighed, making my way downstairs to grab some water from the fridge. As I went, I turned on every light in the house, which was arguably one of Jonah’s biggest pet peeves about me, but I couldn’t help it if I didn’t like the dark.

As I took a glass from the cupboard and turned the faucet, I began humming quietly to myself. It was nothing in particular, just something to pass the time and fill the silence I suppose. Checking my watch, I realized it was around 1:30am.

“Boo!” I jumped, dropping the glass in the sink and spilling water all over me in the process as Jonah laughed hysterically, stepping out from around the corner where he’d been hiding. Still in shock, I scoffed.

“Jonah you ass!” I exclaimed, laughing slightly, as I looked down at my sopping wet pajamas. Jonah giggled, smiling as he extended his arms.

“Babe, I’m sorry- you’re just so damn gullible.” He giggled. I crossed my arms, still aggravated but defenseless against his adorable “I’m sorry” face. Rolling my eyes, I gave him a hug, dampening his t-shirt as I did so. He smiled.

“When did you get home? I didn’t hear you come in.” He shrugged, picking up my glass and re-filling it.

“Just a few minutes ago. The other guys headed to bed, I was just coming in to get some something to drink, great minds think alike I guess.” I blushed slightly, funny how even after a year of dating the littlest things he would say could still make me blush.

“I guess so.” I retorted. He smiled, handing me my now full glass of water and grabbing a bottle of Gatorade from the fridge.

“Alright, well I’m gonna turn it in, are you coming up to bed?” I nodded in reply.

“Yeah, just a minute, I need to wipe up this mess.” I pointed to the puddle of water beneath me that I’d created in my moment of terror. He smiled sympathetically.

“Sorry about that.” He smiled, I shrugged.

“It’s ok, I forgive you for being a horrible person.” I teased. He clutched his heart mockingly as I smiled, kissing his cheek.

“I’ll see you upstairs in a few minutes.” Jonah nodded, taking his Gatorade and disappearing around the corner.I sighed, running a hand through my Y/H/C hair as I grabbed a washcloth from one of the cabinets and blotting the puddle that had collected on the tile floor. As I grew lost in the moment, I began singing softly to myself. I hadn’t really realized what I’d started singing until I reached the chorus- I’d been singing “Made for” by Why Don’t We.

Jonah

      I had just started making my way back upstairs with my Gatorade when I heard a soft meoldy coming from the Y/N’s direction. Raising a brow in confusion, I quietly made my way back, peeking into the kitchen quietly and noticing Y/N sitting on the tile floor, cleaning the puddle of water I’d accidentally made her spill. Just as I was about to turn around, the melody occurred again, and I realized that it was her singing. Singing one of our songs. Smiling quietly to myself, I listened for a moment, before instinctively pulling out my phone. The truth was, in a year of dating Y/N, I’d never once heard her really sing. She was phenomenal. It was like the voice of an angel, and singing one of our songs. I couldn’t help but let my face spread into a smile as I listened, recording her voice so that maybe she would one day see how amazing she is. The talented, incredible person I’ve always seen her for. Her voice lulled into a contented silence as I stopped the recording, smiling to myself as I headed back upstairs without her ever realizing I’d heard her.

After I got back to my room, I played the recording once over, listening to every little hum and lilt in her voice, the way she dragged out the sound of her R’s, and the way her inflection fell like flakes to a snow-covered ground. I couldn’t help but smile when I listened. Everyone deserved to hear how amazing she was. Sighing, I rubbed my eyes, completely exhausted as my thumb hovered over the Instagram app on my home screen. I bit my lip, clicking on it and I opening the video. I won’t post it. Not until I show it to Y/N. As amazing as it was, she’d never forgive me if I posted it without her knowing. My thumb hesitated for a moment on the post screen as I looked at it for a moment longer. There’s no way Y/N will let me post this. Never in a million years. She’ll make me delete the video, and no one will ever have the chance to see how talented she truly is. I wanted more than anything for the world to see her for the amazing person I saw her as…and maybe this would do that. Sighing, I ran a hand through my hair, shaking my head softly to myself. Regardless of what I wanted, I wouldn’t go behind her back. I’d ask her in the morning. Just as I was about to cancel the post, a voice in the doorway startled me.

“Hey you.” Y/N chirped cheerily. I gasped, my hand shaking as my phone dropped to the bed. She giggled, smiling as she walked over and gave me a kiss on the cheek.

“You’re such a scaredy cat, J. It’s so cute.” I smiled, heart still startled as I returned the kiss.

“Yeah, what can I say, I guess I’m just in a constant state of shock that someone as beautiful and smart and awesome as you would wanna be with lil ole me.” I teased. She laughed, shaking her head as laid down beside me, wrapping her arms around my waist and turning out the light.

“You’re crazy, Jonah.” I smiled, kissing her forehead.

“I love you too, Y/N.” By the time I’d finished my sentence and looked over, she was already drifting of to sleep. I pulled the covers up farther, quietly grabbing my phone from it’s place on the bed where it had fallen, preparing to set it on my bedside table when it vibrated. I raised an eyebrow, cautiously turning it on. Who was texting me at nearly 2 in the morning? I realized however, that it wasn’t a text. It was a comment from Logan on Instagram. My latest post was from a week ago, and he already commented on that. I through to myself groggily, opening up the notification. As tired as I’d felt, in an instant I was wide awake. Oh my god oh my god oh my god. My eyes grew wide as saucers as I came face to face with the post he’d commented on. A video, posted 1 minute ago. To an Instagram account with almost a million followers. The video. My hand must have slipped when I got startled, and now the entire world had access to Y/N singing. The view count ticked up by the hundreds every second. Comments were pouring in, all of our biggest fan accounts had already reposted the video in its entirety. It was too late now. The whole thing was out there for the world to see, and somehow it didn’t feel as good as I’d been hoping. It felt like a betrayal of her trust, and of course it was. But a part of it felt good too. The comments were overwhelming positive, including Logan’s which read:

@LoganPaul: DAMN BRO, WHY IS Y/N NOT THE SIXTH WDW MEMBER ALREADY?!

I couldn’t help but laugh a little, until I was brought back to reality by the fact that it had only been a couple minutes, and it already had over 50,000 views on my profile alone. It was going viral, and nothing I could do, not even deleting the video, would change the fact that Y/N’s life was now altered irreparably. There was no going back, no covering my tracks. I had approximately 8-10 hours, and then I’d have to face the music- both figuratively and literally.

End of Part One

1/3

(If you’re interest in the 2nd part pls let me know, and I’ll get to it faster.)