#and i've had so many of my own psychiatric issues over the years that i don't think i do that

[princeandreis]

okay i just had the weirdest thing just happen to me and im extremely confused (discussions of anxiety, body dysmorphia, and bodily sensations under the cut if you don't want to read that)

setting: end of abnormal psychology class; we'd just finished watching an upsetting scene from csi about a girl with body dysmorphic disorder who literally gouged holes into her face

i'm sitting there feeling a little upset, partially because of the video and partially because the day's lecture material hit a little too close to home (anxiety disorders and whatnot)

and then out of the blue, my ears "zone out" and a high-pitched buzzing starts, i feel unrooted and dizzy like the world just spun 180 degrees, my vision briefly goes dark and fuzzy on the edges, and i get this heavy but floating feeling in my chest -- like it's hard to breathe but my chest is barely there.

then i start to feel nauseous -- seriously nauseous, like i might have to leave the room to vomit, which genuinely never ever happens to me -- and my stomach feels like it does when my lactose intolerance is out to get me. meanwhile, my body gets so hot that my face physically starts sweating and i have to take off my jacket.

i was so freaked out by all of this and my hearing was so fuzzy i had to concentrate to understand what the professor was saying, and it felt like i was barely in the room because i was so inside my own head and body trying to figure out what was wrong. i was so scared i'd throw up or do something weird that i just sat motionless and stared straight ahead, wide-eyed, hoping it would all pass. all of this happened within a minute or two and then it was over.

girl wadda hell just happened to my body

[catgirlbussy]

holy shit i just realised im autistic

i know this seems like a shitpost, and tbf i am laughing at myself pretty hard rn. it's dawning on me at 6 AM after being awake all night, but (if you care, and if you don't feel free to ignore too, have a nice day!) hear me out, cause this genuinely feels meaningful and insightful for me with how my life has gone so far. I spent an hour writing this post in hopes someone might find it helpful too :3c

If you don't wanna read my post pls enjoy this picture of our famous friend autism baby stackin those cans before you go~♪

(source: wikipedia)

l

like i already /knew/ I was before this moment, but i was thinkin about what i used to do as a kid and wow i am so autistic how the fuck did i not realise sooner. It straight up wasn't until I was already well into my 20's that I started to meet other autistic people online and learned about their experiences and difficulties from talking with them that I realised a lot of things they described matched for me too.

I live in assfuck nowhere so most of my life the only few times that I had met autistic people were like, folks who were nonverbal or whatever, just generally needing direct assistive care, and I never bothered to look things up on my own because I was already inundated with the pressures of growing up, school, mental health, etc. I remember one of the first times I had built up the courage to ask anyone about it, I was in the hospital because of mental health issues. This was in my second year uni, and when one of the doctors assessing me was asking me questions, I said I thought maybe I was autistic. He promptly and with a fair amount of snark told me that if I was autistic I wouldn't have gotten into university.

Thinking back, he was probably just an exhausted, fresh outta school resident with no special interest in psychiatric care (and also just seemed to suck in general), but it was enough that I shelved the idea for another 5 years.

Lo and behold, now I am lying here in bed, just absolutely gobsmacked by the VERY REAL idea that im autistic and like holy shit I feel so vindicated.

I've been on tumblr for just a bit, but I see a lot of folks talking in various neurodivergent circles about their experiences and that's been so wonderful for me. I also have a few good friend groups w/ a lot of neurodivergent folks, and that's been really exciting too.

Like, I'm still processing this cognitively as I'm writing, so please pardon this ill patterned post, but this feels like such a beneficial thing for me. Over time I've adapted a few strategies here and there to help myself accomplish various tasks, but now I feel so empowered to, like... actually figure stuff out.

Even after feeling confident I was autistic, it was this nebulous, floating concept in my head for so long of, "oh yeah im autistic or something idk," that I never really dedicated much effort to finding healthier ways to do things that didn't irk me or whatever. I don't feel like the label /itself/ is what is important to me here, but rather the awareness around why I do so many things in the ways that I do and that it's /okay/ that I do.

I don't want this post to go on too much longer, but I feel it's worth noting that I've fought for years with my family because they didn't understand why I was going about things the way I did. Again, remember, they all grew up in this cloistered hellhole too. But, surprise surprise, the times in my life that I have been doing better than any other are when I felt confident enough to ignore what everyone was trying to get me to go along with and instead just fashioned my own best methods (which also sometimes included informing said overbearing individual(s) to go fuck themselves cause I'm busy doing shit. It's hard for them to argue with me telling them as much when I would be completing X objective well, which is what they wanted in the first place).

I don't want to make this sound like I'm trying to be overconfident, but I mention as much instead as a sign of support for other neurodivergent folks to feel similarly empowered to drum to their own beat. Thinking back, I went from almost failing high school and ultimately retaking a grade to excelling in all my classes. Every single one. I know that's a relative assessment, you got variable difficulty levels, etc., and the grade score isn't important in and of itself, least of all because the school systems here (Canada) are a mess it seems, but just that alone as an idea, within the parameters of a particular system, I went from initial abject failure to thorough and lauded success.

Just think of what so many people could do if they weren't being pigeonholed into formats that absolutely aren't working for them.

I already have a boatload of (genuinely helpful by way of enabling access to proper education and treatment) diagnoses from my history of working with my (very wonderful and genuinely caring and helpful) psychiatrist that match with what I know about the neurodivergence term umbrella like ADHD, OCD, and bipolar, so it seems |autism| will feel quite at home in the group ^w^. I'll ask her about it at my next appointment to see if an official diagnosis has any value versus me just continuing to figure things out on my own.

Either way, I am thrilled right now thinking about the next time I get to shout

"FUCK YOU IM DOING AUTISTIC SHIT"

while an electric guitar squeals and lightning strikes all around me and I make cool stuff happen :3c.

[starblaster]

informed "consent" does not really exist for some things in the medical system, and the people who hold power in these institutions (such as doctors, nurses, specialists) need to be doing more to avoid abusing the power they possess, even unintentionally.

and not to subject everyone to a long-winded personal anecdote to get my point across but this is my blog and if you don't like me talking about my experiences then idk why you're following me anyway since that's literally all i blog about.

recently, i went to a doctor to get my uterus checked out because i experience periods so rarely and, when i do menstruate, they're completely debilitating. i had to have a transvaginal ultrasound and a biopsy, and was told it was within the realm of possibility i could be developing endometrial cancer. now, thankfully, i am not nor am i necessarily at an elevated risk of developing endometrial or uterine cancer. but, for two weeks after the appointment, the uncertainty of my test results made me so upset, so stressed, and lose so much sleep because, after a life of psychiatric control both at home and in hospital environments, after having so many of my physical issues dismissed, being denied care or care forced upon me by bigoted providers, and generally having a shit run of things in a system that robbed me of bodily autonomy and agency of choice, for some reason, and i don't know why (maybe feeling like i was owed mercy after surviving so much for so long?), i felt like this was the one thing that shouldn't go wrong. after years of transitioning, i've reached a place where i'm happy with my top surgery results, i'm happy never having bottom surgery, i'm happy not needing to take testosterone anymore, i'm happy with all the permanent changes i've undergone. and i just thought 'this is all done, i summited the metaphorical peak of my transition, i am completely content with all my progress, and none of it will be interfered with or undone' but, of course, i did not account for my uterus potentially being a goddamn ticking timebomb.

like, let's say i really did have precancerous endometrial cells and i really did need to get my uterus removed. regardless of everything i was reading to reassure myself about things like the risks of premature menopause and the impact of a hysterectomy on future orgasms and sexual sensation, it would always be a decision about my body and medical care that i would have had to make to preserve my life, despite not wanting to make it in the first place. in the end, i would just have to have a hysterectomy and hope for the best. i'm relieved that, at least for the time being, this is not my reality. i get to keep my uterus. my hormonal treatment options are still not the most ideal… but at least i get to keep my uterus.

and i say all of this because it made me think about my traumatic history within the medical system, breaking my treatment options down into a matrix, using examples from my own medical history:

need/want (e.g. vaccines, top surgery)

need/don't want (e.g. biopsies, hormonal treatment for menorrhagia)

want/don't need (e.g. removal of small and benign pillar cyst)

don't want/don't need (e.g. psychiatric hospitalization, antipsychotic medications)

and when i thought of this, i was thinking about my intersex friends who have been subjected to "don't want/don't need" operations or 'treatments' in their lives, and fellow psychiatric survivors whose hospitalizations and prescribed 'treatments' also fall under the "don't want/don't need" category. and how doctors don't seem to really care about the wants/needs of patients.

medical providers have to do a better job of preventing the prescriptions of "don't want/don't need" options, especially in the cases of intersex, neurodivergent, and disabled patients who are almost always coerced into accepting them, if not forced by someone with conservatorship/control over them. medical providers also need to do a better job of helping patients experiencing emotional distress over having to choose something like a life-saving treatment option that they do not want other than simply referring them to a psychiatrist. speaking from experience, almost none of my doctors have ever actually given me the space to ask questions and receive answers. they just refer me elsewhere and refuse to help me. this has always been the case. i want medical providers to actually fucking talk to and communicate with their patients in scenarios like this, in which (potentially or literally) life-saving treatment is needed, but which the patient wishes they did not need. i feel like i am constantly being asked to tell my own medical care providers to do their fucking job and it is so goddamn tiring.

[lets-dance-to-joy-division]

Screaming (gently) Into The Void Post:

Goodness, I really don't even know where to begin. This last 14 months has been a wild ride for me, as some of you who have followed me for a long time will already know. I never expected any of what has happened to happen, but I have to say that overall I'm really grateful for the opportunity for growth.

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When I left home last September, I was more or less a shambling mess of a human being. I was apathetic, cold, and depressed. I've been bouncing from place to place for my work for the better part of three years now, and it caused my issues to intensify, to the point that in November of 2020 my wife had to drive me to a psychiatric hospital to avert a suicide attempt. It wasn't my most shining moment, but it's the truth. I was prideful at the time, foolishly thinking I could handle what I was going through on my own, and refused continued care. I made excuses of being too busy and yada yada yada, but the truth is I was too scared to face my past.

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I left a few more times between then and September 2021, and I just completely shut down by the time I got to where I am now. After about a month of being here, I knew I couldn't handle it on my own anymore; this job has too many stressors, too many triggers, too much death and pain. I finally went after help. I started therapy and I was so good at it that one of my two therapists said I should go three times a week for a while! Jokes aside, I needed it. Things started to change in me. I started picking up old passions. I felt like I could start to breathe again.

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I became tremendously better at communicating with my wife and our relationship for the first time in a couple of years, really felt like it was going well, despite the distance. But the weight of sin is heavy, and you will always reap what you sow in the end. She expressed to me she needed to explore options outside of our relationship, it hurt, but I understood and gave her the green light to do so; we separated. I'm thousands of miles away and she had no evidence that my changes would be lasting on my return. I can't blame her; she put everything into us for three years while I was so broken and ungiving. My life and traumas had simply finally caught up to me, and the timing was awful; my refusal to do anything about it was worse.

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Things got pretty dark for me again, and my therapist suggested that I find an outlet to express my emotions, so for the first time since I was in high school I started writing poetry. I really didn't know what to do with it, to be honest, but I wanted someone to see it, to try and connect with people. Once again she came in clutch for me and suggested starting a anon blog, and here we are.

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You have all shown me so much love and support as I've been going through this journey of healing and self-discovery, re(dis)covery. I finally feel like I'm me again, something I don't remember how long it's been since I could say. You've messaged me encouraging words; a couple of you have even become some of my closest friends. You've been there for me in lonely and dark moments to lift me up and I just wanted to take a moment to thank each and every one of you from the absolute rock bottom of my heart.

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I start traveling in the next day or so, and I'll be back home in a couple of weeks. I mean, this truly, it's because of you wonderful people that I made it this far; it's because of you that I'm not scared to keep pushing forward. Despite the fact that I'm about to lose contact with my therapist and I'll have to start over with a new one. Despite that, at this point, my marriage is all but over. It's you lovely and beautiful souls that give me some hope, and let me know that

I am not alone.

and hey, neither are you.

BL

[robitherat]

i said as much in an end note for a chapter in "tell me what you see," but i once admitted myself to a psychiatric hospital after a major depressive episode and stayed there for several days (this was years ago and i'm fine now). there was a separate children's wing at the hospital for inpatient and outpatient kids. we never saw the kids, but one day, in the little courtyard where we'd get to take breaks and do outdoor activities, a saw the words "i don't trust anybody" written in chalk on the sidewalk in a child's scrawl. that has always stayed with me and probably always will. it haunts me; it broke my heart.

and then after watching "marble hornets" and hearing about tim's time in the hospital and reading the forms more carefully and figuring out just how young he was when admitted, that "i don't trust anybody" in chalk came back to me. and i'm just like, "tim 100% would write that on the sidewalk at his hospital."

God honestly reading that part in your fic broke me, then reading that is was based on real events broke me all over again. I've thankfully never had an experience in a psych hospital (came close in 8th grade a couple times, but, yknow, 8th grade) but ive got some friends who have, and honestly I can't even begin to imagine the kinds of things those kids must face. I mean, hearing the stories about it is heart wrenching enough, but then you get things like that chalk message and it's like. Fuck. These are real kids. There are real kids out here that feel like they have no one and it fucking breaks me.

This is obviously a bit off topic from mh, but shit man. Just from an outsiders' perspective, and as someone who's dealt with severe mental illness and episodes and similar shit to an admittedly lesser degree, the fact that Troy, Joseph, and Tim were able to so accurately portray those types of issues without even necessarily meaning to when so many other storytellers fall short when thats what they set out to do is just. It's phenomenal to me. I mean obviously I can't speak for everyone and I definitely cant speak on some of the specific issues shown (or implied) in mh, but it seriously impresses me, and I think it says a lot that so many people with things like schizophrenia, DID, and the like are drawn to the series and specifically Tim's character. Like, I know Tim Sutton didn't sit down and say "I'm portraying a character with Dissociative Identity Disorder" but fuck if he doesn't show it. Like, theyre all just such talented actors and storytellers and the subtleties in the characters and their sheer relatability show that.

Just. This fucking show, man

(on a related note, please please please please please go read kit's fic Tell me what you see because it owns me. like a little purse dog does it own me.)