#and it hurts so bad

[blackjackkent]

So... I was already going to write something about Hector and Karlach, and Hector being forcibly reminded that Karlach would rather die free than go back to Avernus and live, and Karlach laughing it off in the dryad's vision, and Hector feeling like shit about it.

And then this happened when I went back to camp:

"Ngh. Soldier... my engine. It hurts... I think this might be it. Soon. Thing's burning hotter than I knew it could."

"But look - we've just about made it to the city. That'll do me. Let's go protect it. Whatever happens after that is between me and the so-called gods."

"You don't think we'll find you a cure?"

"With this heat going, I can't spare the energy to think. I just want to enjoy whatever's left of this life of mine. Anyway, it could be worse. I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be. With who I'm meant to be with. How many people can say that?"

-------

She laughs again, grins and shakes it off, and suddenly he can't take it anymore.

"Damn it, no!" he snaps. "Stop that! Stop laughing about it, as if it doesn't matter!"

She blinks, draws back a little, startled. Hector very rarely loses his temper; the last time she saw it was in the House of Healing against Malus's terrible cruelty. Not here, not in camp, where they're safe and they're together. "Soldier--"

"Don't 'Soldier' me." Hector's jaw works and then he looks away from her abruptly, staring down at the ground. "This isn't funny, Karlach. It isn't a joke. You heard what Dammon said. If we don't find a cure, you'll die."

Karlach's smile fades. "You think I don't know what death means, Hec?" she says more sharply. "I've seen way more of it than you have. I know what Dammon said, and I also know what I said. I'm not going back, not ever. Not even to save my life."

"I know. Believe me, I heard every word when you told me." Hector's lips draw into a tight line. "I'm not talking about that."

She hesitates, puzzled. "What are you talking about, then?"

"How am I supposed to feel, when you look at me, and say you're about to die, and laugh?" He looks up at her, his eyes burning with frustration and pain. "Do you expect me to laugh too? Do you expect me to pretend like it makes no difference?"

She frowns. "No, I--"

"Because I can't," he continues hoarsely. "I can't laugh. I can't shake it off the way you can. I..." He pauses, rubs a hand down his face, desperately trying to regain his habitual control, but it feels completely lost to him right now.

"I will never, not once, tell you what decision you need to make. This is your choice. Your life. I wouldn't take that away from you." He shakes his head. "I respect you too much for that. It's your body and your soul, your free will and your choice. But I need you to respect me too, enough to believe that what you choose affects me too."

He feels his voice crack, and dashes his hand in frustration and shame against his eyes, feeling dampness in them. "I love you," he whispers, clenching his fists at his side in the struggle for control. "I love you, Karlach... so much, so deeply... I didn't know feelings like this existed in the world until I met you. I was taught to be self-reliant, to need no one's reassurance, to keep my heart wrapped up in books and faith and dust, but then I found you, and there's no going back to that. I'm lost in you." He hesitates. "As... as I hope you're lost in me."

He can see her expression twisting with emotion but he doesn't give her time to speak. It's all coming out now, everything he usually doesn't have the words - or the bravery - to articulate. "I'm not trying to change your mind. I've learned so much from you, from everything we've experienced out here - and one of the things I've learned is that there are things more important than living or dying. That there are things worth dying for. If this is yours... I won't stand in the way."

He swallows. "But I need you to understand that... I don't know what I will do without you. And when you laugh, when you act as if it doesn't matter that you will be gone... it tears my heart out."

Silence. He's run out of words and stares at the ground in front of her feet, his shoulders tight with the effort of keeping his voice steady.

When she finally answers, her voice is softer. "Dammit, I'm... I'm sorry, Hec. I really am. This, how I am..." She gestures vaguely at her own chest. "In Avernus, it was the only way to stay sane. You had to laugh about it all, or you'd go mental." She snorts bitterly. "I told you, that's the only reason I hung around with Flo. She was a bastard, just a complete motherfucker... but she made me laugh. And I couldn't make it otherwise. It would've crushed me."

She pauses for a moment and then goes on. "I don't want to die, Hec. I really don't. I never had the chance to live like this, loving someone, loving you, and doing good work, and feeling like I mean something. And I don't want to hurt you. Gods... that's the last thing I want."

She reaches out cautiously, takes his hand. He draws a sharp breath, although his shoulders instinctively relax, feeling the familiar pulse of her heat against his skin.

"I love you too, Hec," she says quietly. "You're not the only one who never thought life could feel like this."

He lets the held-in breath out shakily and grips her hand like a lifeline in a storm. "I'm scared, Karlach," he admits in a whisper. "I don't know if I can do this alone."

"You won't be alone." She smiles slightly. "We've got a pretty good group going here, now. And you're way stronger than you think. I've seen it." She hesitates. "Proud of you, y'know."

He closes his eyes and swallows desperately against the lump in his throat. "Thank you," he says softly. A pause. "I'm proud of you too, you know," he adds after a little while. "For standing by what's important to you. I want you to know that, no matter what else happens."

Her fingers tighten around his fiercely. "And I won't laugh about it, not anymore," she adds with a slight nod. "Didn't think about how it sounded to you. I won't make that mistake again."

He nods, musters a slight smile as he looks up at her. "Thank you. That's all I ask."

She steps forward, wraps her arms around him tightly, and he sags forward into her, burying his face into her neck. It's a great irony, he reflects, that the same heat which is going to kill her makes him feel so warm and comfortable in her arms.

His eyes squeeze shut against her and he lets out a single gasped breath, almost a sob. But only the one. Then he has control again, and all he does is lean into her and hold on as if his grip might somehow prevent her from ever slipping away from him.

And though he will not say it aloud, inwardly he prays for some miracle, some way out of the darkness that sits in his future when she is gone. Because he truly does not know how he will bear it.

[moo-blogging]

One day, I'll grow to Levi's age and I'll think about how I would never grow old with him and I couldn't learn to brew his favourite tea and my sheets would never smell of him and I could never ever come home to him cooking in the kitchen.

We wouldn't dance in the kitchen. We wouldn't do the dishes together. We wouldn't put the groceries into the cabinets after a shopping haul.

And we will never share a kiss, a kiss so slow and passionate as I wrote about. My lips would never be touched by his. My skin would never be blessed with his touch.

And my name will never rolled in his tongue.

That sucks.

[gwenpendrcgon]

Hotel? Trivago

Heart? Broken

and literally the next dialogue

kill me it would hurt less

[dvrcos]

Reading crimson rivers is so conflicting because I’m so desperately hooked on the story but it’s also so tragic I wanna save myself the heartbreak and quit

[sparkles-oflight]

This is actually the first time I'm reading the translation of Novi Val. I'm already crying

[teddytoroa]

my skin is so bad at the moment i look like a toxic rainforest frog. i look like a background extra in a hospital drama episode about treating burn victims. i look like an edgy 2012 hyperrealistic painting of a zombie piglin. i look like the joker mid-jokerfication. i look like i fell face first into a nest of furious fire ants. i look like loose concept sketches for a dark souls npc. i look like i saw a tiktok recommending turpentine as an exfoliant and tried it. i look like im severely allergic to everything im wearing. i look like the second victim in a direct-to-streaming horror film called 'The Sandblaster'. i look really bad is what im saying.

[thefleshyougoveggie]

aled and daniels storyline hurts so much…,,.,,,.

iehdoshsoshksjs

[ashyblondwaves]

Anyone have any remedies for when your meds get lodged in your throat and burns like fucking hell?

[lifblogs]

On top of all this my extended family doesn’t give a shit that I’m sick and injured.

[dudefrommywesterns]

you know, seeing people like me date people when they were younger than i am makes me feel very bad.

[s1ck-b1tch-2]

I really need miralax 😂

[eberles]

i love being alone but i hate feeling lonely ☹️

[obscenity]

my hair is the longest its been since i was like um... idk 11.. while i really enjoy having long hair again i forgot just how easily my hair gets knotted and tangled in the span of like, a few hours.

[gay-nidoking]

Having to physically hold up my boobs cause they hurt so much

[jamietarttsdaddyissues]

James Tartt drunkenly screaming “you’re nothing” after beating Beard to the ground.

How many times has Jamie been in that exact position? Heard those same words?

[reesesmainblog]

something about the fact that disney censored so much lgbtq+ rep in gravity falls just to put it in their pride collection grinds my gears so much.