#and it only takes a few days for ed to change with stede around

[starrywangxian]

ofmd season 2 spoilers!!

i am a blackbeard stan and a gentlebeard shipper until i die but i don't dislike izzy (he is growing on me and i 100% support his redepmtation arc in season 2 if there is one - which i suspect there will be!!)

i don't however ship izzy and ed because for me, it's pretty clear where things stand.

"i have... love for you"

"i loved you. the best i could."

a perfect example of the 'in another life' troupe. they both loved each other in different ways. ed loved him like a brother and izzy loved him, well, isn't it obvious?

and that's why i'm beginning to like him a lot because ultimately, i can relate and i'm sure many other queer people can. loving your best friend, the one you've always stood by and watching as they fall in love with someone else. it's an experience a lot of queer people go through and although, no, this does not excuse izzy's actions, it sure as hell puts them into a different perspective.

[iamadequate1717]

Stede's Strange Day

I want to talk about Stede Bonnet's very strange day. Let's look at the progression of just what Stede sees.

He spends the night with his boyfriend for the first time, and his boyfriend brings him breakfast in bed like Doug did for Mary. They talk about their reunion. Stede is very happy right now!

His boyfriend tells him that he envisioned him as a beautiful merperson and that he thinks he saved his life.

They get dressed, and they go out on a breakfast date on the town. Stede tells Ed about the letters he wrote, and Ed loved that!

Stede then discovers he has a fanclub! Ed laughs and is happy for him! They're going to go down to Jackie's so Stede can enjoy this some more!

Ed throws in some light banter/teasing about this turn of events, and Stede literally squeals before they run off giggling together.

They get to Jackie's, and Ed continues to encourage Stede!

Ed leaves him to it! "Enjoy the night" are his parting words.

So Stede enjoys the night!

He's being accepted! And he still talks about his boyfriend while being fawned over!

Everyone tells him he's awesome! He offs an assassin while saying something cool! No one is making fun of him!

After a bit, he goes to find Ed to share in his fun! He's had a great day.

Only, he's immediately met with this with no context: Ed regrets being with him! Ed is leaving immediately!

Remember: Ed's last words to him were "Enjoy the night!" This is complete emotional whiplash. Stede knows right away what the problem is, but Ed shuts it down.

Ed wants to be a fisherman! A proclamation completely out of the blue! Stede tries to talk him down. That fish wasn't so awesome that it should completely change Ed's life trajectory, casting Stede out of the way.

Ed disagrees and abandons Stede with no real explanation or listening to what Stede was trying to say, which isn't a great move for a healthy relationship.

Basically, Stede spent a few hours (only a few hours!) enjoying himself (in a manner that Ed encouraged him to!). He did nothing awful (because murder is cool in this show), and was a lot tamer than what Ed and company were doing in 1x8 (turtle vs crab is mean!).

I'm going to go more into Stede defense in another post. "Last night was a mistake" is an egregious phrasing to use with the man you love who has self esteem and trauma issues (we know what he means but it can be interpreted much worse), but Stede took it in stride. But for some reason people act like Stede committed war crimes with the fish comment? Ed sharing his day and Ed excising himself from Stede's life are different contexts and the fish is viewed differently in each lens. It was an OK fish, and Stede did nothing wrong. Stede is right that Ed is a coward, and I don't think Stede saying a few slightly harsh things in the heat of the moment when being blindsided like this is a character flaw.

Ed behaved appallingly in shutting down the conversation and refusing to even give context to what was going on. With 1x9&10 and Stede deciding Ed was better off without him, I saw plenty of comments about how Stede couldn't make a major life decision for Ed like that. With this, Ed has made a major life decision for Stede (I'm going to dump him and remove myself before he can choose piracy over me!), but I have yet to see the same comments, and I know exactly why that is.

...

More Stede defense!:

[some-anonymity-preferred]

all the good takes on that arc, part 2

I’m that meta bitch.

These were collected a few days post-season 2 finale. There is a Part 1 from before the finale, when a lot of us were deeply struggling with the arc. And I’ve added individual thoughtful posts afterward as I come across them. Follow the [#good takes on Izzy’s season 2 arc] tag down the rabbit hole for more good soup.

Takes on why Izzy got unsought rehabilitation when the show required atonement of Ed

@areyoudoingthis on how stede's influence on everyone raises izzy up with the tide, and how izzy had to change before ed could hear him verbally release him from his old life

@bookshelfdreams on Izzy as the embodiment of "A lot of what we're taught about being a man is wrong," and how that had to change in order to give Ed catharsis

@thetardigrape and @asneakyfox back and forth on how, emotionally, Ed and Izzy's redemption arcs feel backward, but swapping them would have given Izzy even more narrative time and weight than he already took up in season 2

Takes on the father figure idea and other familial aspects of Ed and Izzy's relationship

@teeny-tiny-revenge framing izzy's arc as a family member who initially rejects your coming out and later comes around to it

@asneakyfox on how Ed's imprinted idea of a father figure is an angry white man

@starlithumanity on Ed keeping Izzy around precisely because he is an angry white man--a figure that Ed is used to

@tfemteach on the familiarity of Izzy's treatment of him for Ed, and why Izzy's words affect Ed so deeply

@happyfeetfuryroad and @sarucane on Ed's reaction to Izzy's apology, and how the whole thing reads as a fantasy of getting the apology you never expected from a bad parent and feeling like you have to even the field when they give it to you

@elapsed-spiral further on the intense closure of izzy's arc

Izzy's arc as only one of many possible queer stories

@bookshelfdreams on how the self discovery arc is neither unique to izzy in the show, nor is it the only queer story available to tell

Other

@asneakyfox hypothesizing that the writers were nervous about the redemption arc not landing, so they went too far in the direction of making it obvious that now Izzy is a Good Guy

@sabra-n on the theme of quiet (stillness/slowness) in the death scene, izzy as a wire mother, izzy’s use of “eddie ,” and the crew's love for ed

@forpiratereasons on izzy's full season 2 arc as one of hope and possibility

[house-afire]

Every Precious Thing (Stede/Ned noncon, background Ed/Stede)

Prompt: 100 words of cock cages

“Oh, now this is a twist,” Ned Low said. He looked like a cat who’d found a mouse struggling in a bucket of cream, as if he could never have expected to be enjoying himself quite this much. He tapped one nail against the slender ivory bars of Stede’s cage.

Stede closed his eyes. He tried to just cling to Ed’s fascination with it—the way his lips had parted when Stede had shown it to him, how he’d hung the key Stede had given him around neck, on a cord long enough for the key to fall over his heart.

Only when you’re ready, Stede had told him. I don’t want anyone but you until then. Not even me.

“So Blackbeard likes to lock up his treasures,” Ned said, closing his hand around the cage in a grotesque parody of touch.

Well, he was Ned Low. Everything he did, so far as Stede could tell, was a grotesque parody of what it should have been. An hour ago, Stede would have told him so, but an hour ago he’d still had his clothes and some rough semblance of dignity.

“We were going to take it slow,” Stede said. He tried to ignore how his voice seemed to wobble.

“Ooh, past tense. That’s one of the parts of this I like best, you know.” Ned managed to get his pinky in between the bars, to be the first man to ever touch Stede like that. His hands were cold. “When someone realizes how much their life is already over. When the notes start to understand that they’re a song played by someone else.”

Stede had to say something, had to distract himself. “Do you come up with all these lines in advance? Because some of them feel very rehearsed.”

There was a dark flash behind Ned’s eyes, but he sounded maddeningly unruffled as he said, “All improvised just for you, my little caged bird. You’re so inspiring.” He drew back his hand. “Let’s leave your boyfriend’s property untouched for right now, shall we? There’s such a … lack of professional courtesy in taking another pirate’s plunder. Then again, if you were to beg me for it—”

“I won’t,” Stede said. “I’ll never.”

He was going to go home to Ed, and Ed would unlock the cage and stroke and kiss away the feel of Ned Low and his cool amusement, and they would have time, they would. They weren’t only a matter for the past tense. Their delayed gratification didn’t have to become a missed opportunity. He couldn’t believe that. They had gone through so much for each other already.

And even aside from his passionate adoration of Ed and their grand love for the ages, he also just wasn’t going to beg Ned Low for fuck-all.

He just wished Ned agreed with him on that.

“You will,” Ned said. “You have no idea how much you will. What sounds you’ll make.” He turned Stede over, forcing him face-down, the chains around his wrists rattling and clanking where they twisted up. “A few days on the edge, with the right fingering striking the right notes, and you’ll sing. You’ll forget Blackbeard’s name. You will beg me to break you out of this little trap, beg me to steal what’s his … and I won’t.”

“Well, I’m certainly not going to do it then!” Stede said. “You can’t tell me in advance that it’ll be pointless!”

Ned spread him open, forcing Stede’s legs as far apart as the chains would let him.

“You’ll do it anyway,” he said. “Everybody does. You don’t understand yet how thorough your transformation is going to be. Everything about you is going to change, except for this." He reached beneath Stede and grasped him by the cage again. “This is forever. Well, until you die and I cut your cock off and send it to Blackbeard, adorable toy and all.” He patted the inside of Stede’s thigh like he was consoling him. “But as far as you’re concerned: forever.”

[ellaenchanting]

Hypnovember 2023 Day 2: Brain Drain

I have committed Our Flag Means Death fanfiction! I am so sorry. Stede/Ed, Ed/Izzy, somehow happy poly and happy metamours making a lovely vee. Takes place in some AU season 2 where the last arc of the season never happened. Izzy is living his best happy masochist life.

Author knows fuck all about ships.

Izzy had gotten much more comfortable spending time with his shipmates since the Calypso's birthday incident.

There was nothing like a round of torture to bring a crew together, he thought.

Tonight the whole group had gathered in the galley under the ship, laughing and chatting long past when they usually went into their quarters for the evening. The sea had been calm that day and the mood was social. Everyone seemed quite relaxed.

Only two members were missing.

Oluwande looked up from his cuddle pile with Jim and Archie. He seemed to have read Izzy's mind. "Hey," he called out to the gathered group, "Has anyone seen the captains this evening?"

"No!" a few people responded.

"Thank God," snarked Black Pete. "Blackbeard...well Ed has been freaking me out. Yelled at me earlier about trimming the sails and you KNOW I keep them the trimmest, babe," he said to his partner Lucius.

"Yeah, he snarled at me when I told him 'hello' earlier," said Archie. "Like this!" She contorted her face into a frankly over-the-top grimace. "Made me nearly jump out of my skin. I may have heard him yell at some seagulls too? Or dolphins?"

Roach looked worried. "Neither captain has come down for dinner, yet," he said.

"Perhaps they are...occupied in the captain's quarters," speculated Izzy.

"Oh? Feeling left out, are you?" joked Frenchie, the little shit. Izzy tactfully ignored him.

Roach replied, still concerned. "Captain Stede will usually come down and request provisions in advance if they're having a long night alone," said Roach. "Thinks he's being sneaky, says they need extra energy 'for planning raids.'"

"My room is below theirs. Trust me, they've not been buggering today," piped up Wee John. "Unless they've learned to be much more quiet about it."

"Maybe they've gotten into a spat and someone's gotten pushed off the ship," spat Lucius. "That'll happen with him, you know."

"OK, that's enough," said Izzy, trying to regain control over the situation as everyone began to talk at once. "You're like gossipy fishwives, all of you. I'll go check on the captains. Make sure Bonnet's not running the ship into a cliff or something."

Izzy climbed up the stairs and started to look around the ship. Ed and Stede weren't in the captain's quarters (being quiet for once). There was no sign of them on the deck. He even craned his neck up to the bird's nest and checked. No captains there.

He finally spotted them at the back of the ship- on a little bit of the stern mostly hidden from view. They were both sitting facing out at the ocean. From a distance, Izzy could see Stede's arm was bent around Ed's shoulder, his hand occasionally reaching up to rock Ed's drooped head into slow, almost imperceptible little circles. Aside from the rocking, Ed's body was remarkably still. It was a huge change from the tense, coiled menace that Ed's frame had carried earlier in the day. Now, he looked almost like a puppet with his strings cut, only responding to Stede's guidance. His arms rested gently besides his legs, lax and pliant.

Izzy could hear Bonnett speaking in a low, soothing voice near Ed's ear but he was too far to make out any words.

Ed had mentioned mesmerism to Izzy before. It was one of the many upperclass daliances that Bonnet had introduced him to- one of those many trifling hobbies that Izzy would never begin to understand the appeal of. Izzy even knew that Bonnet had used his skills on Ed previously. His captain confided that Bonnett's fancy mesmerism routine had helped him find quiet during his not-infrequent emotional storms, that it evened out his seemingly uncontrollable highs and lows. In Izzy's mind, he had pictured the whole thing looking quite comical- Bonnett with wiggly fingers staring daggers into Ed's eyes (maybe with rays), Edward swooning and fainting away in response like a lady whose corset was too tight.

This was quieter than what he had pictured. Gentle. Intimate, even. As he looked over at the scene, he had the sudden feeling that perhaps he shouldn't intrude.

He began to walk away when Stede turned his head and look directly at him. Izzy froze for a moment, unsure what to do. Stede quietly waved him over to where the couple was sitting.

As Izzy approached, he began to get a closer look at Ed's face. His eyes were closed and his face relaxed. His chest slowly rose and fell with each breath. As he come closer, he noticed Ed's eyes were making little flickers underneath his eyelids like he was dreaming.

Izzy wondered what dreams were happening below those lids.

Ed's brows furrowed a bit as Izzy came closer, picking up the noise.

Stede stroked a reassuring hand through his hair. He spoke in his ear, this time loud enough so Izzy could hear: "Shhhhhhh sweetness. It's OK. Relax. You're not in charge right now, remember? Just rest."

Ed's expression immediately cleared. He let held breath with a sigh.

"Izzy's here," Stede continued. "He and I are going to have a chat for a bit. But you don't have to pay attention to that right now, ok? Just drift. Why don't you see how deep you can count yourself down for me while we talk? I'll be right here. I'll touch your leg when it's time for you to listen to me again, ok?"

Ed gave a slight, dreamy nod. His lips barely moved as he began to count silently.

Seemingly satisfied, Stede gestured for Izzy to sit and moved over closer to him.

Izzy sat down, still staring at Ed's lax face. Somehow that by itself was just fascinating. Ed seemed so vulnerable and bare right now. Izzy wasn't sure if he should feel honored or spooked.

"He had a bad day," Stede said gently, nodding over to their entranced boyfriend. "You know how he gets. He needed out of his head for a bit."

Izzy DID understand how Ed got- probably more than his dandyish captain ever would. Hopefully more that Stede ever would, he corrected himself. Ed had certainly told his other boyfriend at least a bit about the hurricane that had been his and Izzy's relationship in the past. When times were bad, they had only known how to take their energy out on each other. They bit and snarled and scratched at one another just to drown out all the noise inside. Izzy had always assumed Ed had NEEDED all of that- needed to hurt and make Izzy suffer the same way that Izzy needed to hurt and suffer for him. That's how they worked. That's who they were together.

Since arriving on the Revenge, though, Izzy had seen more and more of the hidden soft side of Blackbeard. The side that enjoyed fancy clothes and fine foods. The side that kissed Stede's cheek sweetly when he didn't think anyone else was looking. The side that, even now, sat loose and drifting and unguarded while his two boyfriends stayed by him and had a chat.

"Can he hear us?" Izzy asked Stede, curiously.

Stede smiled. "He can hear us, he's just..focused elsewhere right now. Mesmerism's not a magic spell, it's more like- a nice version of where Ed's brain goes when he's navigating. Or how he is when he's trying to sniff out a storm."

Izzy was familiar with his captain's tendency to tune everything out while trying to read the sea. He pictured the absolute, unshakeable concentration of his focused gaze. "Only with nice, clear skies?"

Stede nodded. "Only with nice clear skies." He looked fondly at Ed's dreaming face. "No rain. Nothing to worry about right now." He had dropped into a lighter, dreamy tone- and for a moment, Izzy wasn't sure if he was still speaking to Ed or Izzy or even somehow mesmerizing himself.

Izzy had seen many things in his travels. He once heard a street charlatan talk about mesmerism- saying mesmerism somehow balanced out a person's magnetic forces (y'know- whatever magnetic forces were). He wasn't one for all of Stede's little tricks but- he did understand about needing balance.

Izzy had initially misunderstood Ed's relationship to Stede. He worried that the gentleman pirate would make Ed weak. That he would seduce him away. That he would try to turn the great Blackbeard into one of Stede's fancy little gentleman friends. Izzy had been terrified there would be nothing left of the Ed that he loved after Stede was through.

But Ed was still Izzy's Ed, even now. He could still fight and outwit and outmaneuver anyone else on the sea. He would still protect his crew with all the fierceness of his notorious reputation. He and Izzy could still lose themselves in each other- in their old married couple bickering, in their fighting and fucking, in their indulgences of Ed's sadism and Izzy's corresponding masochism. It just- felt more controlled now. Izzy no longer wondered if Ed actually hated him or if he was just looking for someone convenient to break. He no longer worried that Blackbeard would maim him so badly that he couldn't look after the crew. Even when Ed hurt him now- and he WOULD still hurt him, Stede didn't magic that part away- Izzy was always rewarded with a kiss and some praise afterwards. "That's so good, Izzy. You did so well for me," he would say. Edward seemed so much stronger in these moments now- able to control his own fierceness and use it as a weapon- but also to hold Izzy as he fell apart for him.

Izzy looked over at Ed's quiet countenance- so different than before. It was otherworldy seeing him this serene and distant. He had a sudden desire to protect this version of Ed- Stede's gentle Ed. To keep him safe. A mad, possessive impulse made it to Izzy's mouth before he could stop it.

"Can I touch him?" he asked. "Like this?"

Stede looked surprised. "By touch, do you mean....?"

"His face, Bonnet" Izzy replied, snarkily. "Or his hand or something. His hair. Not going to wank him off on the deck, now am I?"

Stede bit back a laugh. He leaned over to gently touch Ed's leg.

Ed reacted with an almost imperceptible startle before gently settling- serene like the moon going back behind a cloud.

"Shhh- that's OK, love, you can stay relaxed. Good," Stede soothed. "Izzy was wondering if he could touch you while you're in trance. Would that be OK?"

Ed took a moment to respond, as though the words were reaching him from a great distance. Then he nodded his assent.

Stede smiled back at Izzy, reassuringly. Izzy took a breath- then reached over to slowly stroke Ed's hair.

His fearsome Blackbeard smiled in return to the gesture- giving a happy little murmur. He slightly leaned his head in. Just like an affectionate kitten, Izzy thought.

"Good," soothed Bonnet at Ed. "I bet that feels nice."

Izzy grinned too, feeling oddly proud to be trusted with this quiet moment. He and Ed had never been conventional. Maybe it was OK that Ed and Stede weren't either. Maybe it was ok that their relationships were so different- that they saw such different aspects of the same person.

Maybe it was all ok.

Maybe it all balanced.

They sat quietly for a long moment on the deck, letting the peace of the atmosphere soothe them.

Gradually Stede stirred. "Izzy- I forgot to ask: Did the men send you? Were they looking for us?"

"There's no emergency, they were just curious where you were," replied Izzy.

Stede nodded. "We should probably get back, then. Or at least get off deck. Love," he said, moving his voice back into that hypnotic tone. He touched Ed's leg to refocus him. "Are you ready to come up out of trance for me?"

Ed took a deep breath and nodded.

"Good, I'll count to 5 then. It's just to guide you- I know you know how to come up at your own pace. Bring back any of this peace and calm that you want with you, ok?"

Stede started counting- his voice slowly gaining energy as he reminded Ed to connect back with his body and helped him reorient to the ship. It all didn't seem particularly magical to Izzy- but then again he rarely tried to understand Bonnet's ways anyway. Ed finally blinked his eyes open when Stede reached 5.

He blinked a few more times, adjusting. Then, his gaze lost it's bleariness as he looked adoringly up at Stede.

"Hi, there," said Stede, smiling gently. "Back with us, love?"

"Mmmmph mostly," said Ed, scritching his beard and stretching to rouse himself. He looked over at Izzy as though reminding himself he was there and smiled. "Heya, Izz!" Ed leaned up to kiss him.

Izzy grinned into their kiss. "Heya, Captain. Didn't want to interrupt your little daydream session. Crew was just looking for you."

"Ah, we missed dinner!" exclaimed Stede. "I should have asked Roach for..."

"Provisions for planning raids, I heard," smirked Izzy. "Yes, we're all very snowed by your clever euphemisms."

"Fuck provisions, I could eat a horse," said Ed. He practically bounced up and put an arm around both of his boyfriends. "C'mon, let's get some grub!"

Helpless to his whims as always, both of his partners joyfully followed him to dinner.

Fanfic is new to me so would love some thoughts! Also this is unbeta'd so will love you forever if you would point out spelling/grammar mistakes or if there's unclear writing. I'm considering posting this to AO3 but- don't want to embarrass myself in front of the REAL fanfic writers, you know? Feedback welcomed!

Tagging @mentat101posts and @thekinkycocktailclub .If you want to be tagged in these, just lmk!

Tagging @darthkyra @linnybeenaughty @pearlqueensposts @thiskenisftm @deeperforme because they wanted OFMD hypnokink and I blame/thank you for the inspiration to actually get this down!

[bethagain]

Am I doing Fictober? No not really. But I was suddenly itching to write something for OFMD and I needed a prompt. 

This little scene happened because the one for today was "If you don't stop now —" 

… and a friend and I had just been discussing whether that clip in the Ep. 6 preview might be Ed and Stede’s first Morning After. 

-

Stede still maintains an open-door policy for the captain’s cabin, except for one thing: He’s banished the crew from his quarters at breakfast time. 

Of course the crew all think that’s because he and Ed are waking up in the same bed and want time to get a little… swordplay… in before facing the day. Roach leaves a tray with tea and biscuits outside the captain’s door each morning at first light, and either Stede or Ed wanders into the galley a couple hours later to return the empty pot and the plate with a few stray crumbs.

Nobody listens at the door, because they don’t want to hear that. 

So they have no idea what’s actually going on in there. 

Which is, in fact, Taking it Slow. 

Stede has the bed, because he is the Captain. Ed still holds a murky role on the ship: general helper, occasional carpenter, sometimes assistant to the cook, only occasionally a menace. He’s got the couch. It’s a nice couch, comfortable, a little short but he still sleeps well. Better than he has in a long time. 

They undress together at the end of most days, when things are calm and the ship is sliding neatly through the waves, sails full of moonlight. Ed unties the laces of Stede’s shirt. Stede slides Ed’s jacket down over his shoulders. They take turns undoing trouser buttons. 

And then one of them kisses the other good-night, and they retreat to separate corners where they change into nightclothes before sliding under their blankets. 

Each morning, when the summer sun streams in through the windows, they both wake blinking. Ed sits up on the couch, stretching his arms over his head. Stede is slower to move so it’s Ed who fetches the tray and brings it to the bed, nudging Stede’s hip until he finally rolls onto his back and groans out a “Good morning.”

They balance the tray on the bedcovers between them. The one time Stede tried to pour the tea at that early hour, he missed the cup entirely and they had to change the sheets. And wash them themselves, because Jim and Wee John, on laundry duty that day, took one look at Stede and Ed with an armful of wet bedcovers and steadfastly refused to touch them. 

So Ed pours and Stede does the sugar. And with the first cup warming their hands, Stede leans against the headboard, legs still cozy under the fine embroidered quilt from a Spanish merchant ship’s cargo. Ed, wrapped in a soft robe liberated from an English navy captain, sits back against the opposite wall. 

By the time they get to the second cup, they’ve each reached for a biscuit and they’re off on discussing plans for the day, rehashing yesterday’s adventures, making up dreams for where the Revenge is headed next.

Time goes on, and the sun rises a little later each day. Ed, long accustomed to shipboard life, wakes at the usual hour anyway. When the sky’s still indigo and Stede doesn’t respond to the usual nudge, Ed rests his palm on the man’s side, fingers curving into his hipbone, and gives a gentle shake to wake him. 

As warm daybreaks turn cooler, Ed begins pulling the end of the fine embroidered quilt over his legs while they share their tea. They both stretch out chilled hands for the heat of the teapot, fingers overlapping against the smooth porcelain. “Come sit here,” Stede says one morning, turning the quilt down so Ed can climb in next to him, hip to hip, and then tucking it up around them both.

The next morning, Ed comes to Stede’s bed without the breakfast tray. He stands there a while, watching the sky begin to pale, watching Stede sleep. Stede’s curled up with his back to the room, quilt pulled up over his shoulder and messy gold curls sticking up every which way. He could use a haircut, if he’s going to keep his Gentleman Pirate thing going. They should find a barber at the next port. Maybe they can get some new clothes, too, something soft and well-made, something to make Stede happy.

Ed rests his hand in the usual spot on Stede’s hip, rough fingers wrinkling the fine quilt, but doesn’t shake him. Instead he slides his palm along Stede’s thigh, over hard muscle under the silky soft fabric. He moves his hand to Stede’s shoulder next, then wraps fingers around a bicep made strong by managing sails and learning to throw a proper punch.

Stede finally stirs, head emerging from the covers as he turns. “What are you doing?”

“Waking you up,” Ed says. His hand hovers over Stede’s chest now, over the rumpled nightshirt that’s gotten pulled sideways to show his collarbone. “Is that ok?”

Stede looks at Ed’s hand. “Yes?”

“Good morning, then.” Ed settles his palm over Stede’s heart now, feels how it’s beating quickly.

Stede’s chest rumbles with a quiet moan. “If you don’t stop now…”

Ed freezes, suddenly afraid to move. 

“...Our tea is going to get cold.”

A couple hours later, they drink their tea cold. 

It tastes wonderful.

[softsnzstuff]

OF/MD - Kraken!Ed with a Cold

Based on this post thread. Have a snippet of what myself and @snzsnchillz-afterdark think menacing Kraken!Ed would be like when he’s got the worst cold and is trying to still be threatening. This one goes out to my OFMD buddies - @friv0lite @peach-plumb-pear2 @sniffles-and-tickles @softersteve

Based on the new promo pictures because Taika could choke me and I’d thank him Ed looks so good 🫡😍

Set between seasons 1 and 2 (before canon S2 has come out if anyone finds this post 10/05/23)

CW: intentional contagion

The crew of the Revenge were well used to Ed’s overnight personality changes at this point. At first he’d been all weepy and switched to being one with the Earth and musical and personifying his soul…whatever that meant.

The second switch happened a few days later. Over night. When he had reached the point in his breakup that condoned anger and violence. He’d cut off Izzy’s toe and fed it to him in the night, also tossing plenty of Stede’s things overboard - partial crew included.

He’d been in full swing as Blackbeard for a couple of weeks now - ravaging ships, looting them, and leaving men for dead in ways more unimaginable than skinning them with the snail fork.

This third personality shift happened when he came down with the cold from Hell… or rather - tried to convince everyone that he hadn’t.

Ed had been up Izzy’s ass the the last day, quite literally screaming orders in his ear, pausing occasionally to cough wetly. Izzy would just close his eyes and force a smile before responding with, “Yes, Captain.”

This morning, Izzy had awoken the crew early - somehow managing to be both yelling at them and quiet as not to wake Ed.

“Alright listen up, dogs! Blackbeard is… under the weather… and is more irritable than usual.” Izzy started. “I want you lot to just do what he says and try not to fucking upset him.”

“Why is that our job? He’s the one being a dick.” Jim muttered, twirling their knife.

Izzy sighed, having known Ed the longest. “Because the sooner he is well again, the sooner he stops being a cunt.”

“Yeah, that’s a good enough answer for me I feel.” Frenchie looked around for agreement. Everyone stayed silent, but Fang gave a single nod in solidarity.

“I want you all to keep your heads down and stay out of his fucking way. If he asks anything, you say ‘yes captain’ and fucking do it. And you-” Izzy points to Frenchie, “I want you find what’s left of any medicine that Bonnet left on board. Is that understood?”

There were some silent nods.

“I SAID IS THAT UNDERSTOOD?!?” Izzy screamed.

“Yes, fucking Christ.” Jim grumbled, bringing some hands up towards their ears.

“H’iszzzSCHEW! K’tCHuh!”

Just as they were finishing up, Ed kicked the door in, sniffling thickly against his gloved hand.

“What the fuck are you all doing down here???”

Izzy quickly came up with a lie, “I was just telling these fucking idiots that it shouldn’t take this long to clean the floor!”

Izzy shot Frenchie a glance and he immediately dropped to his knees, using a piece of his shirt to scrub at the floor.

“I’m sorry captain Blackbeard sir, it’s just hard to clean the floor without any.. water?” He tried to play along with the charade.

“Hmm. You’re right.” Ed hummed thoughtfully before spitting on the floor right in front of the younger man. “There. Now you’ve got something.”

Frenchie held back a gag as Ed stormed out the other door to the deck of the ship, Izzy and crew following behind. Jim have Frenchie a hand up and he scurried off to go find Stede’s medicine stash.

*****

One thing about the gentleman pirate is that he was bound to have loads of the unnecessary - books, fine fabrics, and medicine. It only took a few minutes for Frenchie to find the bottles in the Captains’ chambers bathroom, but seeing as he couldn’t read, he just grabbed everything and shoved it into a crate to bring to Izzy on the upper deck.

Hands full of different bottles and vials, he turned on his heels to leave the Captain’s chambers. Slamming into the chest of the captain…

“The fuck are you doing in my room?!” Ed hissed, looking the man up and down.

“I uh… you see Mr.Blackbeard sir… I just.. I was…”

Ed’s scowl gave way momentarily to something more relaxed. He turned to the side out of habit, sneezing openly at the air.

“Eh’tSZzZiew! Snlrff”

“Shut up! You’re fucking taking too long.” Ed held up a hand, making Frenchie stop.

The crew member was frozen, staring wide eyed, his eyes locked on the small trail of mess leaking down Ed’s upper lip.

Ed had him pinned against the wall. “The fuck are you staring at?”

“You’ve just…. You’ve got a little…on your face…” Frenchie stammered, gesturing towards Ed’s nose.

He watched in horror as Ed’s nostrils flared once again right in front of him. He squeezed his eyes and hoped for the best.

“H’ekTSZZZuhew!”

Frenchie scrunched his face as he felt droplets hit his cheek.

“Well now you’ve got a little something on your face too.” Ed released his grip on the man, throwing him against the wall and rubbing his own nose again.

“This is so unsanitary.” Frenchie whined quietly.

“What was that???”

“I said uh… sanctuary! Thank you for providing us with such a great… sanctuary….” The fake enthusiasm trailed off at the end before he scurried away to the upper deck.

When he arrived topside, he looked like he’d seen a ghost. Jim was standing at Izzy’s side.

“Jeez what the fuck happened to you?” They asked.

“Here’s your fucking medicine.” Frenchie aggressively dropped the crate of medicine on the barrel in front of Izzy, pausing to wipe at his face and swiping one of the bottles, “this one’s for me now.”

Izzy huffed a knowing sigh and rubbed at his temple. “He sneeze on you?”

Jim made a face of disgust as Frenchie nodded. “Yup…”

“He’s worse than I thought.” Izzy groaned. “Never thought I’d say this but we need Stede back.”

[stedebonnit]

Its seasonal depression season and I'm thinking about the crew sailing up north for the winter because Stede has never seen snow having grown up in Barbados, and I'm thinking about him being so excited at first when he sees the snow comkng down, feels the cool breeze and the snowflakes on his tongue, but over the shortening days, Stede's mood starts to dip, and he finds himself in this sort of anhedonia.

He finds it harder and harder to get out of bed, sleeping through the days, barely eating anything. He suddenly cant bring himself to feel happy or excited, he hasnt smiled in weeks, and he doesn't care to do all the things he'd planned to do once they got to the snow.

Stede feels this panic, deep down, because this is so similar to how he felt with Mary, trapped in a space that never fit him, a deep melancholy weighing him down.

He has Ed now, and he knows its different. He loves Ed, that hasnt changed, but underneath the ever-present fog he feels this terror, a fear that he'll drive Ed off, make him resent Stede just like his wife did. He's tired, boring, and crabby, he can't imagine anyone wanting to be around him when hes like this. He doesn't even want to be around himself like this. He doesnt understand why he feels this way, and he doesn't know how to fix it.

With Mary, he'd always known deep down that leaving would fix the way he felt, it was the guilt of what that meant that held him back for so long. Its different, now. Everything he's ever wanted, everything he knows he still wants, is just beyond the cabin door, but he can't find an ounce of motivation within himself. He wants to go out, to show the crew, to show Edward that he cares, that he's more than this, but he feels stuck in the bed, staring blankly out the window, too tired to even cry. He doesn't want to fall into apathy again, but he feels himself slipping beneath his fingers with each passing day that he can't force himself out of bed to join Ed and the crew.

Ed doesnt resent him. He's worried for Stede, of course, but he knows that this is different than it was with Mary. After a few weeks of silence, Ed bringing Stede his food in bed each day, taking care of Stede, Ed decides its time for a change. Gently, and so very patiently Ed coaxes Stede out of bed for the first time in a week, he helps Stede dress himself, his movements sluggish, his expression blank, and wraps an arm around him as they walk out of the cabin to join the crew out on the wintery deck.

The crew greets him with smiles, and though he cant bring himself to smile back, he manages a short wave and some simple nods. As Ed settles him down on a barrel, surrounded by the crew, a patient audience to Stede's return, he feels the sting of the winter breeze hit his face. Stede he can't bring himself to care, but luckily, Edward does, and the moment he sees Stedes cheeks tinge red, he pulls off his scarf and wraps it around Stede's neck with such care.

The Swede asks "Can you read to us, Captain? We've missed you."

Stede suddenly tears up, gratitude and shame warring with each other in his mind, bringing out the painful sadness that has been simmering for weeks under the surface. He's touched that the crew has thought of him, that he matters enough to be missed, but Stede doesn't have it in him to read them a story. Right now he can't even bring himself to communicate with more than a nod or a shake of his head, so in that moment he blinks back the tears and shakes his head, curling himself into Ed for warmth.

The crew understands, and instead he sits and listens to Lucius reading them stories (Ed does the voices, because Lucius can't).

Each day after that, Ed helps Stede dress himself, walks him to the table for breakfast instead of bringing it to him in bed, he helps him to tidy the cabin, just a small amount each day. Stede is still weighed down by the fog, but getting himself moving helps to make it bearable, if only a bit. Ed is patient with him, encouraging him to try at least one thing each day, but never pushing him to do too much.

Eventually, they decide to sail back down south. Its not pleasant being out in the winter, and Stede is too depressed to do any of the winter activities they'd planned.

A few weeks later, as the days become longer again, Stede feels the fog begin to lift, inch by inch. He knows its real when he watches the sun rising through the cabin window before pulling himself out of bed without the need for Ed's gentle encouragement. Its the first time hes been out of bed before midday in weeks. Thats when he notices, for the first time in weeks, that a smile has crept onto his lips. Stede runs to find Edward, collapsing into his arms, and Ed holds him as he weeps with relief. The fog has lifted, and they survived it together.

[slow-burn-sally]

20 questions for fic writers

Thank you @totallysilvergirl for tagging me <3

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

171

2. What’s your total A03 word count?

2,559,305

3. What fandoms do you write for?

I live for the days when anyone asks me this question, because listing things I love is just so great. I don't actively write for all of these any longer, but I would go back to all of them if anyone threw me like, half a prompt.

BBC Sherlock

Good Omens

Jonathan Strange & Mr. Norrell

The Terror

Our Flag Means Death

What We Do In The Shadows

The Adventures of Tintin

The Hobbit

BBC and CBS Ghosts

Pacific Rim

Father Ted

Lord of The Rings

The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel

Death In Paradise

Dalgliesh

4. What are your top five fics by kudos?

1. Crowley's Game - Good Omens (Ineffable Husbands)

2. Return To Sender - Good Omens (Ineffable Husbands)

3. Silk All Around You - Our Flag Means Death (Ed/Stede)

4. Oh Good Lord - Good Omens (Ineffable Husbands)

5. Out Of Suffering Into Love - Good Omens (ineffable Husbands)

hmm. Guess GO fandom is where I've cashed in the biggest, kudos-wise *Raises a glass to Good Omens Fandom*

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

I try to respond to as many as I can, and I want to respond to all of them, but ADHD and work and life keep me from doing it right away, and then ADHD and being off work and life make me forget. I will sometimes loop back around to read a new comment, then see that I never replied to another, far older comment, then go about replying to several, two years after they were left. I hope people don't mind. I promise everyone who's ever left me a positive comment, that I eat them all up like chocolate bonbons and count myself blessed for each and every one.

6. What’s the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Probably that Childercelles fic where Henry dies in the end. I think maybe 10 people read it. If you're in JSAMN fandom, and you ship Childercelles, and you want a link, PM me, but I can't remember the name of the fic for the life of me. It was pretty angsty. Outside of that, I hate angsty endings. Everyone eats ice cream and cuddles at the end of my fics.

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Gonna echo the wonderful @totallysilvergirl and say that I don't do unhappy endings. That Childercelles fic was the only one I think I ever wrote with an unhappy ending, and even that was more of a melancholy ending. Everything else is Häagen-Dazs and rainbows.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

I've gotten a few harsh criticisms, and a few snarky comments, but never actual hate.

9. Do you write smut?

I sure do! I've written a whole lot of smut, and I really love it. Regardless, it can be challenging sometimes. I have to be in the right place, and have the right focus to write smut, and lately, it's been feeling more labor intensive. I've been taking a step back from the explicit stuff lately, and playing around in M rather than E, and less sexual waters for a change. Sometimes a gal needs a break. I'll always happily write it for others, but don't feel inspired to write it for myself right now.

10. Do you write crossovers?

I really see my Jonathan Strange & Mr. Norrell/BBC Sherlock crossover as my first and only crossover. It involves main characters from both fandoms meeting one another, and John and Sherlock live in a world where England's history is the same as the history in JS&MN. It's been a very fun experience, but I'm really writing it for @keirgreeneyes 's birthday, because we share a lot of stuff between those two fandoms, not because I love crossovers. I don't feel drawn to them at all usually.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Nope. Someone came to me a couple of years ago, saying they were being bullied over accusations that they were plagiarizing my good omens fic. They even showed me the fic people talked about, and after scanning it for a bit, I didn't see anything that looked like plagiarism. I posted on tumblr saying I'd rather people plagiarize me than cause one moment of suffering due to bullying, and left it at that. I was really just jazzed to have people *want* to plagiarize me, honestly. It was flattering.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Yes! In Korean I think.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

No, and I'm not sure I could. I also don't like cooking with other people or showering with other people. I just like having the reins on writing and cooking and showering fronts I guess.

14. What’s your all-time favourite ship?

Oh god please don't make me choose. My children, my precious children. After careful consideration though, I'm gonna have to go with Crozier/Jopson - Jopzier from The Terror. I mean. Come on. It's me.

15. What’s the WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

I wrote many chapters of a really fun, but really complex and pain in the ass multi-chapter mystery fic for the rarest of rare pairs, Jack Mooney/Florence Cassell from Death In Paradise. So yeah, I would love to finish it, but I don't have the spoons, and it will have a readership of roughly four people.

16. What are your writing strengths?

I think I write good dialogue. I write good smut. I can make up stories at the drop of a hat, and then put them down very quickly, in large amounts of words. I'm a long distance runner when it comes to fic. I like my sense of humor in fics, and I'm always so happy when someone leaves me a comment telling me they laughed really hard at something I wrote. Ditto incoherent babbling about my fics making them horny. Those comments are so good.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Eh, my weakness is I'm just not an amazing writer? I do it because I love it, and it brings me so much joy, and people reading my fics brings me so much joy, and that's pretty much it. Also, I use a lot of run on sentences, and I have like six tropey things my characters always do, and I can't break out of it.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

I didn't understand this one. I would love to write dialogues in other languages if I spoke them fluently. Outside of speaking a bunch of Spanish, I'm not fluent in anything but English.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

eeeeeeeeee @keirgreeneyes @totallysilvergirl my first ever fanfiction was BBC Johnlock! I tried writing a fic, probably back in 2013 or something, and gave up after a handful of paragraphs. I just lacked the confidence. Then, it wasn't until 2019 when I went nuts for Good Omens and wrote a bunch of fic that I wanted to go back and write that one, first, Johnlock fic. And I did it! It's Homecoming. BBC Sherlock is my first fanfiction fandom, and my introduction to fanfiction.

20. Favourite fic you’ve ever written?

Oh wow. That's a tough one. I really loved my one Father Ted fic, A Sweet, Hot, Sticky Romp, because I loved emulating the comedy style of the show and thought I did a good job.

I loved Out Of Time, my Jopzier time travel wackadoo fic for The Terror.

I guess I'll stop at two. I've written 171. I should get at least two favorites.

I tag @fol-de-lol @ilthit @yeswevegotavideo @keirgreeneyes @holycatsandrabbits

[lighthousecocaptains]

OFMD Week Day 5: AU/Crossover Mania

This is a modern AU where Ed is a car guy and Stede knows jack about cars lol and as always, also available on ao3

Stede smoothed the front if his pastel pink button up shirt. He had worked so hard to steam it yesterday only for the front to immediately wrinkle as he tucked it into his navy slacks. He’d tried to panic iron it, but it didn’t seem to hold. Now he was late for his appointment.

He pulled his car into a parking spot and turned it off, adjusting his floral bow tie—a light blue with hints of cream and pink in the flowers—before he got out and went inside the repair shop. It was hardly busy with only one person standing at the front desk chatting to a large worker with dreadlocks and a black-and-white striped shirt. Stede stood a couple feet back, starting a line.

Stede waited there for a few minutes, watching as other workers came out from the back to walk into an office to Stede’s right. The placard on the wall said “Edward Teach, Owner” which made sense. The place was called “Ed’s Car Repair and Detailing Services” after all, so this Ed guy was clearly in charge. From his point of view, he couldn’t see inside the office beyond a sliver of wall. Stede wondered what the owner looked like. Surely he would be at least as beefy as the workers that milled about, right?

As one of the workers came out of the office, he caught Stede’s gaze. This guy was much shorter but definitely not any less built, and he wore an all black mechanic’s jumpsuit. He looked Stede up and down before he grimaced, giving Stede a glare and heading out the back door again. Stede looked down at himself, wondering what had the man giving him such a look. Was it the wrinkles in his shirt? Aside from them, he thought he looked quite stylish.

The customer at the desk finished up and walked out, and Stede walked up to the desk with a smile. “Hello! I’m Stede Bonnet. I have an appointment to get my car inspected.”

The worker—his name tag read Ivan—said nothing as he typed into his computer. After a long moment, he looked at Stede and asked, “are you having any issues or do you just want it looked over?”

“Yes, there’s an issue,” Stede began. “When I try to clean the windshield, nothing happens. The cleaning liquid stopped coming out.”

Ivan blinked at Stede for a long few seconds. “Okay.” He turned back to the computer and typed some more. “We’re a bit backed up at the moment, so it will be a while before we get to your vehicle.”

Stede looked around the room. No one else was there. He turned back to Ivan. “How long do you think?"

Ivan sighed. He grabbed the mouse and clicked a few times. "Looks like we might be able to get to it tomorrow."

"Tomorrow?" Stede's brows rose. "Well, you see, online it said that you would be able to see it right away, and it's a small issue. Will it really take that long? I have this important work event, you see. I need my car back by tomorrow morning."

Ivan blinked at him.

Stede let out a breath. "What if I paid extra? Is there a fee for rush service? I would gladly pay it."

Ivan did not seem to register this offer, as his expression did not change in the slightest.

"Please," Stede began to beg. "It's incredibly important that I make this event. Is there..." He looked around helplessly. "There must be something I can do..." His eyes stopped on the door to the owner's office. "May I speak to the owner? Perhaps he would understand my predicament."

Ivan sighed as he backed away from the desk and walked over to the office. "Sir," he said, opening the door slightly but not going inside, "a customer wants to speak to you."

Stede watched curiously as the door opened and a man walked out. He looked about Stede's age and had long black hair pulled back into a ponytail and a thick black beard, both graying in spots, making him look distinguished. He wore a plain black t-shirt and dark, loose pants, and his tan arms had many tattoos. As he stepped out of the office, his large brown eyes fell onto Stede, and Stede found himself unable to breathe for a moment. He hadn't expected such a beautiful man to own a repair shop.

Ed came over to the desk. He read over the document on the computer for a moment, each blink showing off how long his dark lashes were. He furrowed his brows and looked st Stede. "What seems to be the issue, exactly?"

Stede smiled apologetically. He hadn't meant to bother this nice man. "Well, I was hoping I could have my car fixed before tomorrow. I have an important event in the morning."

Ed's eyes lingered on Stede for a moment, falling slowly over his torso. He cleared his throat. "I, uh...I like your bow tie," he said, his voice a tad softer than Stede had expected.

Stede's smile brightened. "Oh! Thank you." He patted it gently with a hand. "You have excellent taste."

The corner of Ed's lips upturned just slightly before his eyes fell back onto the screen. "Well, it seems a shame to waste your time for such an easy fix. I'll grab some wiper fluid and meet you by your car."

Stede nodded. "Yes, thank you! Thank you so much."

Ed nodded and went to the back door, taking one more look at Stede before he went through it. Stede smiled to himself as he turned and went out the front door, going to stand beside his car. The owner was going to fix his car. How nice, he thought, that he would offer such a thing. Stede was beginning to worry that he would have to leave and bring his car back another day.

A moment later, Ed came out the front door and turned to look at Stede's car. He whistled. "Oh, she's a beauty."

Stede turned to smile at him. "Isn't she?" He looked at his car, a bright turquoise Ferrari. Freshly washed, not a scratch on her.

"What's her horsepower?" Ed asked. "Is she modded?"

Stede stared uncomprehending at Ed. He didn't know what any of that meant. "Uh...I don't know."

Ed looked back at Stede for a moment. "Oh," he said.

They stayed there for a moment, just looking at one another. Stede couldn't deny that Ed was an attractive man, but he was a car man, and Stede knew nothing about cars. He just thought they were pretty, and looking good was very important for Stede's job as the owner of a country club (which he hated). He wished, often, that he could just be around cars all the time. He loved looking at them and hearing them and driving them and cleaning them. He did his own detailing, and he took great pride in that, but now he wished that he had taken the time to learn more about how they worked. Now, he looked like an idiot in front of Ed.

"First, we need to pop the hood," Ed said, setting the container of orange liquid down on the sidewalk in front of the car. He looked at Stede. "Do you know how to do that?"

Stede nodded, unlocking the car and opening the front door to pull the latch that popped the hood. He closed the door and stood there, waiting for Ed to fix the car.

Ed lifted the hood and moved the rod to prop it open. His dark eyes looked up at Stede and used one finger to make a "come here" motion at him. Stede's cheeks heated but he complied, going to stand beside Ed.

Ed pointed to a bright blue cap at the front left side that read Wiper Fluid. "See this?" He pulled the cap off. "This is where the wiper fluid goes." He picked up the container he brought. "You can buy a container like this at any car shop. Shouldn't be more than a few bucks for a gallon like this." He pointed at some words on the container. "You want to make sure that you get one that won't freeze in the winter. Here, you need one that goes to -20 degrees Fahrenheit. This one also helps repel water, which will help keep your windshield looking nice even when it rains." He opened the container and began to pour it in. "Try not to spill." When about half the container was gone, he stopped and recapped it. "There. That should do it."

Stede smiled. "Wow! That was so easy." His smiled faded as he turned to look at Ed. "Oh. I suppose I didn't need to bring it in to be fixed."

Ed smiled back at him. "It's alright. I'm glad I got to see your fancy car." He returned the cap to Stede's car and closed the hood. "I'd love to take a ride in something like this one day."

Stede's heart leaped. "Are you free now?"

Ed looked at Stede, startled. "What?"

"If you're free, we can go for a ride right now," Stede said with his goofy smile. "Otherwise, I can come back some other time. It's only fair since you took the time to teach me to fix the problem with the wiper fluid."

Ed scoffed and looked back towards the car. "I couldn't. I've got a business to run. They might fall apart without me there."

Stede looked back to the repair shop. "It doesn't look all that busy to me. And you deserve a break. It must be hard running a business on your own."

Ed let out a slow breath. "I don't know..."

"It would be quick," Stede said. "Five minutes. Of course, I won't twist your arm about it. Just thought that if you would like it, I would offer."

Ed turned to look at Stede, a smile growing on his face. "Alright. Let's go.”

Stede went over to the driver's side, his hand hesitating as he reached for the door handle. He turned to look up at Ed already at the passenger's side. "Actually...would you like to switch?"

Ed's eyes widened. "You'd let me drive?"

"I figure you must be a good driver, working with car's and all," Stede said. "Go ahead." He tossed Ed the keys.

They switched sides and got into the car. Ed put the key into the ignition and started the engine, excitement blooming on his face as it roared to life. "Oh yeah. She purrs."

Ed backed up and took them out of the parking lot, speeding up as he got onto the road. Their heartbeats quickened and adrenaline rushed in as Ed went faster and faster. Then, they reached a red light, and he slammed on the brakes. Ed breathed heavy, catching his breath. He looked over at Stede, worried that he would be mad, but Stede wore a large grin.

"That was incredible," Stede said with a laugh. He met Ed's gaze. "You drive fine cars well."

They stared at one another for a long moment as their hearts raced. Then, the light turned green and Ed had to look away to drive. He took them back to the repair shop, parking in the same spot Stede had earlier. They both got out, and Ed handed Stede his keys.

“Thanks,” Ed said. “That was fun.”

”Of course,” Stede said.

Ed went to turn and head back into the shop but hesitated. “If you ever need anything else…for the car, I mean, let me know.” He pulled a business card out of his pocket and handed it to Stede. “Repairs. Detailing. Anything. I’ll personally see to it.”

Stede looked at the card, beaming. “Wonderful! And what do I owe you for the wiper fluid?”

Ed smiled. “Consider it complimentary.”

”Oh, I couldn’t possibly,” Stede said. “Please, let me pay you.”

Ed looked at Stede for a long moment. “How about dinner?”

”Dinner?” Stede gave a lopsided smile. “That sounds lovely.”

“You have my number,” Ed said before he turned and went back into the shop.

Stede watched him go with a happy sigh. He looked down at the business card again, a light feeling in his stomach. This wasn’t how he had planned for the day to go, but he wasn’t disappointed in the slightest. He got back into his car, driving off with a silly grin on his face, excited about something in his life for once. He liked this feeling. He hoped this was the start of something great.

[chocolatepot]

Write a kiss meme: Gentlebeard; ALL NUMBERS! (but srsly, 36, plz)

…to give up control.

"You're ready."

"Am I, though?"

"Yeah." Ed clapped a hand onto Stede's shoulder, a reassuringly solid feeling given that his arms seemed to have turned to jelly. "You've got this."

"I'm not sure I have." He'd been so ready to take charge when they were making the plan, but that had been a day ago. Going up against the British Navy in disguise twenty-four hours in the future was exciting; putting on said disguise and managing a distraction where you and everyone else could get shot while your soulmate rowed around in a dinghy and could also get shot at any time was ... terrifying, actually. "Not too late to change things up."

The look Ed leveled at him was careful and long, and Stede couldn't quite read it. Finally, he reached out for Stede's hands, which were, well, not shaking, but not quite steady either, and held them together - his own hands were warm, and their callouses brushed over skin that was still soft.

"When you stop feeling nervous before a raid, or a battle, or what-the-fuck-ever - that's when you get too cocky. Seen it a million times." His thumbs brushed circles over the backs of Stede's hands, a soothing pattern. It was something he always did in this situations; Stede had only realized that a short while ago, and he didn't know whether Ed was deliberately using a technique on him or just instinctively responding each time. "But ... if you really think we need a new plan, love, just say the word."

He meant it, Stede knew. It would be a huge inconvenience, might even result in everything falling apart, but Ed really would change everything for Stede at the last minute. He always would. And ... there was that word: "love". Love. He didn't get tired of hearing it - sometimes he felt a little selfish for it, even though that didn't make much sense.

"Darling," he managed to say, rather than yes, absolutely! "You really think this is the best way?"

"Yep."

"And you really think I can do it?"

"Definitely."

"Well, then." Stede took a breath and squeezed Ed's hands back. "Let's do it."

Now it was Ed's turn to squint at him and double check. "Hang on. You mean it? For sure?"

"If I don't always trust in myself, I do at least trust you. So - if you're good with the plan, then I'm good with the plan." And like the words were a magic spell, Stede found that he did in fact have a sudden surge of confidence. It wasn't that different from a number of other tight situations they'd been in, wasn't it? They were always scraping by on a combination of quick thinking and a luck that seemed to hold. He trusted Ed and he trusted their crew, and he trusted the meticulous plan.

"There's that smile." A matching one spread over Ed's face, and he bumped his forehead lightly against Stede's. "It'll all be done before you know it," he promised, and then stole a very soft kiss that Stede wanted to simply sink into, leaving the rest of the world behind.

"Okay," Ed said when they regretfully broke apart. "So. I'm off. You're in charge now, captain."

"You're still my co-captain!"

"But I'm not Thomas Edwards's co-captain. You're on your own now." He winked. "Just for a few hours."

[straightupsickfics]

Okay... I forgot to add. 💙forehead kisses  🐤hair stroking/petting  💛pet names/terms of endearment  For very sick Stede and over protective hubby Ed who got the call from Lucius to come get his hubby from work. Please? Teacher Anon💛💛💛💛💛

this is theeee perfect combination of prompts omg :(((

****

Stede has to blink several times in quick succession before he registers what he’s seeing.

Ed, leaning in the doorway of his office, smiling sympathetically at him. He’s wearing a plum colored sweater, his thick gray scarf wound warmly around his neck, though his coat is unzipped despite the freezing temperatures and rain today.

“Ed?” Stede frowns. It seems impossible, seeing him here now, when that’s all he’d wanted since leaving home that morning. 

“S’my name, don’t wear it out,” Ed teases, his voice low and warm and sweet, so perfectly sweet and warm when Stede feels so terribly, he has to force himself to swallow, upsetting his sore throat but preventing an embarrassing display of tears in the middle of the work day. 

“What’re you doi’g here?” Stede asks, shivering in his own sweater. He’d increased the temperature twice already but he still can’t seem to warm up. 

“Taking you home,” Ed says gently. “Lucius told me in no uncertain terms I had to come take you off his hands and stop you from, quote, germing up the entire fucking building.” 

Stede sighs, which only turns into a painful coughing jag. His eyes are teary by the time he’s done, and his throat really is killing him at this point, despite all the trips to the kitchen he’s made for yet more tea. 

“Oh, but… there’s so much…” Paperwork, planning, email to catch up on, budgeting for the new year… 

“Rest to be had at home, I know, I was thinking the same thing,” Ed says. He lifts Stede’s coat from the back of his chair and drapes it over his shoulders, stopping to press a kiss to his Stede's forehead. It’s just a quick brush of his lips, but Ed is here and he’s so warm, still smiling despite how terrible Stede knows he looks and sounds… 

“Honey,” Ed says, kissing him again. “You’ll catch up. Lucius will take care of everything.” 

“He’ll what?” Lucius’ voice drifts in from his desk just outside Stede’s office. 

Ed smiles at Stede, lifting a finger to his lips. “Think that was part of the deal, mate, you have me get Stede’s germs out of here, you’ll take care of the rest.”

“He won’t be back until Monday?” 

Stede frowns. “Monday?! I have f-far too m’buch hh! hUUh’iissshh!” The sneeze catches him off guard, completely derailing his argument. 

“Maybe longer, if I have anything to say about it,” Ed promises, winding an arm around Stede’s waist and guiding him towards the door. It’s only Wednesday, and the thought of missing two more days of work is enough to send Stede into a panic, but…

But he really does feel bad, and a few days at home with Edward does lovely. 

“Bless you, love,” Ed murmurs, waving goodbye to Lucius. 

“Feel better, boss,” Lucius says, giving Stede a mock salute as they pass by. Stede gives him a half-hearted wave, letting Ed lead them outside into the chilly afternoon air. 

The car is perfectly, blissfully warm, and Stede shivers at the change in temperature as Ed starts the car and pokes at his phone until he decides on some music for them to drive home to. 

“You look like you need this more than me,” Ed says, handing his scarf to Stede. It’s a soft cashmere, warm from being worn, and smells so much like Ed that Stede can’t even protest, just accepts it with a sigh before wrapping it around his own neck. 

“Thank you for rescuing m’be,” Stede sighs as they start the short drive towards home. Ed works from home, so he knows it’s hardly an inconvenience to come and get him, but still Stede feels a bit silly. Like a child being picked up from the nurse’s office in primary school. 

Ed smiles over at him. “‘Course. Lucius basically threatened me, but still. Should’ve never let you leave this morning, really,” Ed says. He reaches over then, running a hand through Stede's mussed hair, and Stede suddenly can't wait to be home. To change out of his buttoned-up work attire and into something softer, and, preferably, Ed's.

"I wouldn't have listened," Stede admits. "Really thought I'd be alright... HH'iiihhTSH! Oh," Stede scrubs at his nose useless. "S-scuse mbe... Hdt'IIshhh!" He manages to half-muffle the sneezes into his elbow, doing his best not to ruin Ed's favorite scarf with his cold.

"My poor Stede," Ed says. He reaches over and squeezes his knee. "Bless you... twice."

"Mmb, thank you," Stede murmurs. He's so tired and stuffed up and achy all over, he's probably getting a fever, but that's a problem for a little while later. For now, he forces himself to focus on a few days free, on the couch, with Ed, who came to pick him up and gave him his scarf in spite of all the germs it would surely endure, and—

"I'll make us some soup when we get back, yeah?" Ed offers, interrupting his train of thought.

Stede manages a little smile. "Sounds perfect," he says.

[izzy-b-hands]

"I'm excited," Izzy lies.

"Yeah, he's lying," Ed sighs. "It's because we trust you to look after this. We'll be back in a few weeks, and I know you won't die being on land for a while."

He nods. Ed is right. It's only a few weeks of looking after this monstrous house that Stede has been left (by a man who either is or isn't his real father, it's unclear mostly because Stede keeps switching between tears or utter rage at the entire situation. But Izzy understands that.)

He sits on the beach with his things and watches them sail away anyway.

--

There's far too many rooms. No one can possibly need this much space.

Or at least, no one can need this many bedrooms.

"And these curtains," Izzy scoffs and whips them shut around the four poster bed. "They...huh. Not bad."

They're made of ridiculously thick and heavy material and are a pain to move, but that first night it's a solace to feel contained.

"Just like the ship," he murmurs to himself as he slips under the sheets.

Except it isn't. There's no motion to rock one to sleep, and he can't help but feel like a sitting duck, though for what exactly he can't say.

It keeps him in the bed as a result though, feeling oddly safer as long as the heavy curtains have him cut off from the rest of the room.

--

"Oh he's going to hate that."

The oil painting shows a clearly happy young Stede. Very young though, a toddler at oldest.

With a man who looks nothing like the father Stede had described growing up with. It's possible, sure, the man simply underwent a major set of physical changes but...

No. No, it isn't, because there are some features one can't easily change that much. Which makes it all the worse, because who on earth helped raise Bonnet if not his actual father, and why?

But the answers for that lie in the incredibly dusty library, and he's never been amazing at reading...

So he winds up in the library an hour later.

"Two days of labor," Izzy winces as he reads through yet another volume of family history, more a journal than anything else, this one including an overly detailed account of Stede's birth. Which only strengthens the apparent truth:

Bonnet was born to the man and woman that had lived in this estate. There was no mention of exactly why, but at a certain point in Bonnet's very early childhood his mother had taken him and left (presumably to be with the man he thought was his actual father.)

That point was evident from a single, final journal entry from the man: 'Today the lights have gone out of my life.'

--

"This explains a lot," Izzy stares out over the extensive, extremely wild garden. "He'd love this."

For that matter, Izzy doesn't hate a well tended garden himself. He can't do a lot, but he can clear things away and give the plants breathing room.

That takes a good few hours, and the rest he burns back in the library.

"Pirate stories to a baby," he chuckles as he flips through yet another journal. "If only you knew what you'd done to him. He can't be anything else now, and I don't think he'd want to be. He's almost a competent pirate, even."

Every other entry is about Stede. His first steps, the first flower he picked on his own from the garden, his favourite bed time story...

"All for him to only remember the man that hated him," Izzy sighs and sets the book aside. "That's..."

His fingers tap the cover.

He takes the next couple of hours and sets aside every single journal that covers the time just before and after Stede's birth. It's a slightly ridiculous amount, but if anyone would be willing to read through it, it would be Stede.

And he stands to benefit from it, as far as Izzy can see.

--

The following days pass...oddly well.

He gardens, and cooks, and when his eyes can bear it dips into the occasional book aside from the journals before bed.

But the nights are ungodly lonely. Sure, few of the crew ever talked much to him on The Revenge, but they were at least around.

He keeps the curtains around the bed shut each night, resisting the urge to pin them closed. It's a senseless, childish urge that would only prove dangerous in an emergency.

That, and if anything or anyone truly wanted at him, a curtain would hardly slow them down.

--

"Izzy?"

Stede peers into the garden. "Ed, I think he did this."

"I would imagine he did. That or there are incredibly talented birds at work."

"Why birds? What about the snakes?"

"...very funny."

He hears them coming, but lets them make their way up the path fully before acknowledging them.

"Captains."

"How was it?" Ed asks. "Before you answer, actually, did we mention why someone needed to stay here for so long?"

"No. I figured there was some-"

"Ah fuck, I thought we'd said...well. How haunted did it seem?"

"It didn't?"

"Good! That means the letter saying he had to last at least a week there in order to claim it was bullshit!"

"Did it say anyone, or Stede specifically?" Izzy asks.

"Does it matter if it isn't haunted?"

"Huh. I suppose it doesn't."

"Can I ask about those?" Stede points to the stacks of journals, now gathered by the front door.

"Pulled them aside for you. Maybe you spent these last weeks figuring out what they say, but I'd read them anyway, were it me."

"Oh."

"He loved you," the words spill out and Izzy can feel himself blush. "He'd be so proud of you. Not just for the growing up, having your own family, whatever, but...you being a pirate."

Stede nods.

"I..I don't read much and I meant no offense by looking-"

"We're okay," Ed interrupts. "Stede, how about I grab some of the crew and we take whatever you want from here to the ship, hm?"

"Start with the journals."

Then Stede is off at a decent pace into the fields that extend behind the house.

"I can go," Izzy hears himself say.

"Is this guy..." Ed hesitates. "This is his actual dad, isn't it? Did he say why-"

"I don't think he ever found out, or was told. I'll make sure we meet you at the beach in a bit."

--

"Bonnet?"

"I don't get it," Stede mutters. "I never...my mum never mentioned this. Ever. And my father...well, do I call him that? He was there, sure, but he wasn't actually...and the way he-"

"You call him whatever you want," Izzy sighs and sits by him in the dirt and grass. "Or not at all. Were it me, I'd stick with this guy instead. If he does haunt this place, then he's the best ghost to have. Didn't bother me once."

"And they wanted me?"

"Very much so. There's a book that's almost entirely dedicated to detailing your birth, if that's any indication. Very detailed. Extremely. Not a bad thing, just bear that in mind. And have a thought for your poor mum."

"Can't have been that bad."

"How long did your wife labor with your kids?"

"Oh god...Alma was about a day. Louis, well, Louis...look, you can't ever tell him this, but he didn't wait."

"I'm not following."

"It's not Mary's fault either! She went from going about her day to broken waters and pain and then suddenly...look, he was only on the floor for a moment!"

Izzy snorts. "You kept your mother abed and in pain for two straight days. If anything, your son probably went about it the easiest for everyone involved."

"Two days? Oh..."

"Read the rest of the journals. And if ever you and Ed want a vacation away...give Olu the helm and spend some time here. There are portraits of you as a wee thing Ed would die to see."

Stede raises a brow. "And what will you be doing?"

"Whatever Olu orders, I presume. Or gardening here, if you'd want the help."

"I didn't take you for that type."

"Neither did I. But apparently he put a lot of work into it, with you strapped to his chest half the time it sounds like. Figured since I was here..."

They lapse into silence, side by side, listening to Ed and the crew shout and joke as they empty the house of the few bits and bobs that might be useful for the time being.

--

"Can't sleep?"

The ship rocks and he's surrounded again by the knowledge that so long as he's onboard the ship, he isn't alone.

"No," Izzy replies and pats the bit of deck beside him. "What volume are you on?"

Stede sits and groans. "I've lost track. Sometime just before my first birthday. I love all the information, but my god, what a...a...wordy fucker."

He snorts, bites back a giggle, then laughs.

"What?"

"Of all the people to say that!"

"Oh! Lucius is transcribing, so any extra-"

"Don't put it on him! I've watched him; he keeps to your words as you dictate."

"I do," Lucius yawns as he passes by them, back towards his huddle with Pete, Fang, and Roach.

Stede giggles, then sighs.

"Thank you. For all of it: staying there, looking after things, cleaning up the garden, and...what you found out."

"You're one of my captains. You ordered me to do it; what else was I going to say?"

"That's what Ed said when I asked if you'd do it or not. More or less, at least."

"He knows me well."

"He does."

After a moment, Stede gently elbows him. "I know you're tired. I am too. Maybe...Ed is already in bed. We've got those two new couches we stole in there as well..."

"I have a room."

"That you haven't gone back in since you got back onboard."

A few minutes later, they're each sprawled on a couch in Ed and Stede's quarters.

"Better?"

"I miss the curtains."

Stede chuckles. "That could just be your room, whenever we go back and visit."

"And we will be?"

"I think we will. Ed likes the idea, and Olu is amenable to taking over now and again, so long as we try and tell him in advance."

"I'd like that."

"Good. Now, did you do more than skim the section about my actual first birthday party? Apparently I briefly went missing, though I need to go through and read this properly-"

"I would love to hear where on earth they found you. I have a guess."

"Garden?"

"Beach," Izzy smiles and snuggles into the ornate couch pillow. "He had you wanting to be a pirate before you could talk or swim. Where else would you be?"

There's the sound of flipping pages as his eyes flutter shut, and then a chuckle.

"I'll be damned. They found me on the beach, playing in the sand."

"Told you," Izzy yawns. "S'where I would have probably gone at that age too."

There's a beat, then a chuckle before Stede starts reading from the journal softly.

[thetragicallynerdy]

ao3 first lines tag game

I got tagged by @yerbamansa for this ao3 game! Thanks for the tag, friend!!

Rules: share the first lines of ten of your most recent fanfics and tag ten people. If you have written fewer than ten, don’t be shy and share anyway.

Okay so I only went with the last ten that have been posted on Ao3. There ARE other more recent WIPs, but it felt like that was cheating XD (u can send me an ask if you wanna see those most recent ones sjskssk)

Anyway the last ten (including recently updated ones) on ao3 are:

1) Ask Me Anything: A TealOranges SMAU - OFMD, Olu/Jim, Rated E (for explicit, not everyone XD)

It’s a slow morning between student groups and everyone’s taking time away from cramped ship quarters. Jim’s been here a few months now, focused on the work, which turns out to be physically demanding in a way that leaves them exhausted. No energy to grieve.

2) if you still want me, please forgive me - OFMD, Jim/Ed, rated E

It starts simply. They’re on a case – and when aren’t they, these days? - they’re on a case, and things go badly. When Jim slips into the room opposite the one Edward is casing, scanning for something, anything – a rope slips over their head, tightens around their throat.

3) and we will build a home from the wreckage - OFMD, Jim/Olu, rated T

It starts, as so many stories do, with revenge. Or perhaps it starts before then, with the grief that the revenge is born from, with the blood and bone and crushed dreams. With the family that died, so very long ago. But this isn’t just any story, is it? No, this is a love story.

4) i've got sunshine on a cloudy day - OFMD, Ed/Stede, Ed/Jim, Jim/Olu (Poly AU), rated T

Edward knelt and peered under the dumpster, ignoring the instant bite of cold snow through his jeans. He was on his way home anyway, and he could change when he got there. But he’d heard a noise, and had to check to make sure it wasn’t what he thought it was. But sure enough, when he shined his phone flashlight beneath the dumpster, two glowing eyes beamed back at him. The high pitched mew of what could only be a kitten followed after. Its body was barely visible, a fuzzy void of pitch black in the greyness of the under-dumpster.  

5) fool's gold - UnDeadwood, multi ship, collection of ficlets, rated T

He hadn't expected it, how beautiful souls were. How they shone and glittered like diamonds, like gold, like light through a glass-stained window. The first time he'd run into someone after it happened (the thing he doesn't think about, the hole in his gut and the sticky hot blood on his hands and the - no. he doesn't think about it) he'd stared and stared, barely managing to wrench his gaze away before someone noticed.

6) put your records on - OFMD, Jim/Olu, Jim/Ed, Ed/Stede (poly au), rated T

Jim toed their boots off and trudged towards the stairs, too tired to even consider looking for anyone until they'd had a chance to change into more comfortable clothing and maybe lie on the floor for a solid half-hour. It had been a long fucking day.

7) falling for you - OFMD, Jim/Olu, Jim/Ed, Olu/Frenchie (poly au), rated T

"JIM!" They faintly hear Oluwande holler their name at the same time they leap into the air to head the ball. They realize why a split-second later, as they feel a body collide with their legs. Someone tall, and big enough to knock them clean over.

8) you are in love - OFMD, Jim/Ed (poly au), rated M

Ed was giggling before they even made it into the booth. "Shhh," Jim said, far too loud, trying to slap a hand over his face. "You're gonna get us kicked out!" "Who's gonna kick us out," he laughed, batting their hand away then reeling them in close. Not that there was really any other choice, in the tiny mall photo booth. "Paul Blart Mall Cop?"

9) on this winter's night with you - UnDeadwood, Clayton/Matthew, rated E.

Today, Clayton thought furiously, is not my fucking day.

10) and if the pomegranates are in bloom - OFMD, Jim/Jackie, rated E

It’s not the first time they’ve ended up here, and they know it won’t be the last. Oluwande always gives them his blessing, with a kiss on the cheek and a ‘good luck, be careful.’ They know he’s still afraid of her. They know that they should have reason to be afraid as well, but they aren’t. They haven’t been for a long, long time. Jackie looks softer in the lamplight of her bedroom than she does in the bar. Stripped down to a simple shirt, trousers gone. Bare, but not vulnerable. They’ll get there, but not yet. Still – already she’s warmer, gentler. Soft around the edges, face open. Relaxed. It makes them wonder if this is what her husbands are allowed to see in her, or if it’s just for them.

--

Okay so some got more than a few lines because I felt like it XD

As for tags - I swear every time I come to a tag game I immediately forget which of my mutuals writes fanfic, so if you see this and want to do it consider yourself tagged. As for those I remember - if you feel like it, I'm tagging @yourlocal-charlatan, @redxluna, @swallowtailed, @lovewithagirl, @nevershootamockingbird, @thewollfgang, uhhhh i can't remember other writers so that's it!!

[kharti]

a random AU idea i had that i meant to just TLDR and ended up writing the entire cliff notes version

———

porn industry AU. ed is a somewhat jaded producer who is just going through the motions, whatever content is popular, it doesn't matter, no need to spend energy and creativity, people just skip the plot to get to the fucking anyway.

izzy is an experienced lead, has starred in so many of ed's works that they are old friends. they've fooled around sometimes, but neither feel much of a spark anymore. izzy has spent so many hours shooting the same scenes over and over, getting fluffed, having to redo makeup...

stede has lived a very sheltered life. after the dissolution of his unhappy marriage, he decides to throw all caution and care to the wind and experiment. he starts doing amateur masturbation porn. poor lighting, bad editing, no clue what he's doing....

... but that COCK. the members of the site can't stop talking about it. it's huge, thick, and just so—pretty. not obscenely veiny, beautifully curved, a wide flared head, dribbles precum easily, shoots heavy loads all over his soft stomach and golden-haired chest...

he is given the nickname Goldicock and he's absolutely giddy as he changes his username and refers to his fans as his bears, completely unaware of what that means, and no one corrects him.

izzy is the one who stumbles across Goldicock, and the next day, he's complaining endlessly to ed over lunch.

"He has no fooking clue what he's doing!"

ed teases him about how izzy should show this guy the ropes. izzy doesn't get the (bad) pun and just complains more about Goldicock and how his stupid cock is the only reason he's so popular.

later, ed looks Goldicock up, and oh, fuck, izzy's not wrong—this guy is redefining amateur porn and not for the better... but it is working for him. it is REALLY working for him.

ed hasn't jerked off to porn in years.

ed can't STOP jerking off to stede's porn.

ed begs izzy to let him shoot a short film for his website of izzy and stede.

izzy absolutely refuses at first, but ed convinces him with those soft doe eyes no one can deny. on one condition, though: it will be rough, and he will top.

ed immediately contacts stede.

stede can't BELIEVE a real, proper porn site is asking HIM to collaborate! he is streaming to his bears about how excited he is and can't wait to work with the star known as Mr. Hands.

"don't worry," he says with a cheeky smile, "i won't forget any of you if i become famous!"

partway through filming, izzy's demeanor shifts when stede is on his knees, sucking izzy's cock with sloppy enthusiasm. ed notices the change right away, he knows izzy too well.

when ed asks during the next break, izzy admits quietly, "he looks good at the end of my dick."

after they've shot all the scenes, gotten the angles, worked through the awkwardness of filming porn, stede is thanking the entire crew for the opportunity.

no one tells him he still has some of izzy's cum in his hair.

ed invites him to join them for dinner, and stede accepts.

stede is oblivious to the seduction that takes place over a few glasses of wine, and ed almost gives up. but izzy is there, and izzy knows what ed wants.

"do you want to fuck, for real," izzy growls out.

stede looks at them with innocent eyes. "come again?"

ed starts laughing.

izzy explains, without any emotion, that ed wants to fuck stede, and they should just get it over with already.

there is a moment of silence before ed admits that, actually, he wants to be fucked by stede.

stede and izzy are equally shocked by this.

awkwardly, stede declares that he "rather enjoyed the fellatio scene" and had been disappointed that the script didn't let izzy finish in his mouth.

izzy looks genuinely surprised and starts to blush.

ed, very quickly, almost too quickly, says he has an idea.

and that's how stede ended up on top of ed, thrusting into him while izzy knelt in front of them, fucking stede's mouth in earnest... ed lying on his back, head on a pillow, enjoying the show from below.

and THAT'S how the porn site run by ed was overwhelmed with very well-shot, well-edited videos of three middle-aged men fucking each other like their lives depended on it.

one night, stede declares that the new content is "just right." izzy doesn't get it. ed can't stop laughing.

[iveneverseenthesebowlsbefore]

(Thought I'd post this separately in case any non fandom people were interested.)

I was thinking to myself the other day that maybe I don't get more engagement on my tunes because ppl don't know how hard I work on them (obvs it must be that) so because so many of you asked, here's a long ass post on how I write a (fan)song.

Part 1: The Idea

Most of the time, the idea's the hardest part for me. I'll get either lyrically or musically inspired one day and play around on guitar or piano or open garageband and scroll through loops but not come up with anything i like enough to want to develop. And it's really because there's no spark behind it. That's the best part of fandom songs, I never need help for inspiration.

I get accosted with feels from a show, decide I must write a song for it, think about Stede and Ed, open gb on my phone, pick some chords and open my mouth and see what comes out.

(Le beginning)

Usually i get a lyric or two, a phrase maybe, and the start of a melody. Tbh It all happens so fast.

But after 15 minutes or so i have the bones of something; some lyrics; chorus and a verse, and what story i want to tell and where I want it to go.

Part 2: Taking Shape

Moving to the desktop now, we got a notes app with the WIP lyrics up and a few tracks from the iphone of the chord progressions for the first verse and chorus.

Usually i just have a simple guitar part, some percussion loops and bass...although if anyone has ever heard any of my songs you may notice that 'bass' always means CELLOS because i REALLY like low strings cuz they are DRAMATIC and i grew up on too much HANS ZIMMER.

Anyway, that's when i put my headphones on and start to sing what i have into the mic. it usually sounds very silly. i talk to myself lots. There's lots of gibberish. There are many kitty cat pitter patter sounds. (From the cats, not me)

Basically here is when I shape the content of song - edit and finish the lyrics, figuring out what story I want to tell while I do.

If I can't get the melody and lyrics to flow, what needs to change? What rhythm might work where, what's awkward, what lyric is too cliche or could hit harder?

What instruments do i want in this song? Do I want to add any ahhs or mmms or ooos to the background? what part is boring, what type of sound might make things pop?

Musically, I take out anything that doesn't feel good to my ears and add in anything they want to hear. Lyrically i try to add more depth with less words at any necessary phrase changes - any constraints actually makes lyric-writing easier for me (rhyming is also great for that)

I sand it down, smooth it out; make it into a song I would want to listen to and as a vocalist one I want to sing. This is only a first draft of the song, but the more I like it, the better i'll sing it.

Part 3: Finalizing Melody/Adding Harmonies

Usually i take a break between pt 2 and pt 3. My uncle likes to say i wear a lot of hats doing the song thing and i think he's onto something. Songwriter hat, lyricist, arranger, vocalist, topliner, engineer, producer, i kinda have to dabble in all them to get a song into a song. I def wear some better than others tho. And arranging harmonies is probably my favorite. At least, this is the part that comes most naturally to my earballs.

First I'll either piece together or record a new rough lead vocal of the final melody. I'll probably sing through it a couple times just to make sure everything feels good and locked in. I'll pick my favorite take, mute the others, and at last, it's harmony time bitches.

I make a new vocal track, press play, and then stop and record at any place i hear there ought to be harmony. A lot of time that's like, everywhere.

Sound painting i call it.

What can I say, I did a lot of choir and i hear a lotta harmonies and I'm so adhd guys i just wanna put all the noTES EVRRYWHERE

I go through a few runs of this. I'll want to make sure i have everything i hear recorded, even if i don't use it, so i can figure out what actually sounds good. I then have a LOT of extemporaneous harmonies to go though. As i enjoy pain, I then go through those.

I sort of go back and forth between zooming out and zooming in during this part. Zooming out on the entire song, figuring out what doesn't click, what's too much, what needs more and what needs less and then zooming in on the actual harmony parts. Does the vocal blend blend? Does it sound sexy or just dissonant af?

The more parts I add the more i have to make sure something wonky doesn't go and wonk everything up. The harmonies are never very complicated, usually just a 3rd and maybe a 5th in places. But i like to do counter melodies sometimes and then put harmony parts on *those* as well. Sometimes i add a bass vocal or a high octave, sometimes i do that on only certain words or phrases.

At the end I'll usually end up with my lead vocal, a double at some or all the choruses, and pruned harmony tracks on the verses and choruses, bridge, and on any counter melody thing I've done at the end of the song. i listen again, rerecording any harmony parts that need some tightening. These are only rough vocals; this is to get all the parts down and recorded and ready to sing later.

After that, the hard part (of this step) is over and I can start to play around a bit. I'll listen for any places calling out for what i like to call ~sparkles~ - moments where some ear candy would enhance the song. A high octave heaped in reverb somewhere, maybe an echo effect for one word only.

Once i start the sparkles part well... o the vocal plugins... the reverb alone... all the different ambience and echo-y sounds you can try, "church reverb", "echo chamber reverb"...

(tag yourself I'm Prison Main Floor)

You guys there's just. So many presets. Wtf does 'dark rising hall' sound like? I dunno but i'm about to find the fuck out.

i lose time then. Some hours pass. Days mayhaps.

Part 4: Vocals

Oh vocals. See this part. This part sounds like fun right? The singing! I love the singing of the song! And I do actually! But this part? This isn't singing. This is recording. And it's the actual worst.

See, I am, at heart, a theatrical singer. A performer if you will. And if I may draw your attention to this microphone on the left here:

This one on the left? This is a dynamic mic. This is my friend. This is a mic you use on stage. Where some people belt into it and others stick the whole thing in their mouths. You can do whatever with dynamic mic. Dynamic mic don't mind. Dynamic mic loves you. Dynamic mic lives for the drama of the theater.

Now the mic on the right? This mic is a mic for recording in studios. This is a condenser mic. This is a very different mic. Condenser mic very sensitive. Condenser mic pick up a fly fart. The juicy details of it too.

i have a very strained relationship with the condenser mic.

Getting the final vocals down in an apartment with paper thin walls, squeaky floors, cats licking themselves (loudly too Daphne jesus), with a condenser mic, just getting the room sound sounding soundy enough is hard enough, but then i gotta sing into the thing!

i don't edit my vocals in a program like melodyne anymore because its too fucking hard and time consuming (aka pitch correcting the pitchy notes) which is a thing you absolutely should do when you're stacking as many harmonies as i stack. But again, lazy. This means i gotta get those babies on pitch as much as I can. I have to get them at a decent level - they can't be too loud or the mic gets mad, they can't be too quiet or the fly farts will drown out my voice.

With proper breath support and a nice warmup most of the time I can get a decent tone outta myself. But guess what, your girl here? She got that long covid. And when you have lungs that are supposed to be all hot air balloon shaped but instead have become more like knotted up twisty straws and you gotta breathe real good to get a nice tone that isn't brittle or pitchy...

oh and remember those harmonies i love arranging oh so much? Gdi me. Gdi.

So yeah this part's really hard. It may take a while depending on the state of my voice (or yk, lungs/general health) it'll get done over the span of several days, lately, because my voice gives out so quickly. But eventually ill have a few takes of each vocal part, maybe 3, of performances where my voice was in ok enough shape.

Oh but we're only halfway done this part.

Part 4a: Comping

Now its time to go through the song one line at a time. And listen to all three sung versions of that line. One at a time. And pick which one is least offensive to my ears (aka one with a good level, nice tone and intonation, on pitch, controlled, has decent phrasing and diction and feeling too. And one I sang the correct lyrics on. I flub them more than you'd think). And then put them all together on one track to make a Final vocal track. This is called comping vocals.

I hate comping vocals.

It always gets a little messy.

I am usually very very cranky at the end of comping vocals.

Cuz remember all those harmony tracks? Guess what. I gotta comp them too. And all those sparkles and any mmms and ahhs and stuff I added? Yep. They gotta be comped. And *then* i gotta blend them together with fade outs and fade ins so it doesn't sound like 3 takes spliced together. And then I gotta make sure there's no kitty feets in them. And then I gotta reorganize them; join the regions, bounce the tracks, rename files, so it's *not* so messy and not a nightmare to mix.

Man oh man. I love to sing but i hate this part. I always get there in the end. But i have a lot of curses to edit out of those takes ill tell ya what.

Part 5: Tightening It Up And Sending It Off

At this point i can take off the vocalist hat and go back to the song-writer/producer hat and concentrate on making this song a song other people wanna sing along with too. How much i work on this part depends highly on the song. Sometimes it feels ready where it is, sometimes not.

I listen again and pay attention to the dynamic movement of the song. Is there enough build, drama, ear candy, etc? Is there a part calling out for a random funky loop? Most importantly, is it the best version of the song my ears can hear?

i start trying things. Take instruments out in places, vary them in others. Mute everything but the percussion. is it too much, not enough? Mute everything but the percussion and bass, the heartbeat of the song. Is it vibin'?

I think about the characters, think about how i feel listening to the lyrics; do they evoke them the way I wanted it too? Does it say about them everything I wanted it too? Does it need something more at the end, a hook all throughout? Should i take a sparkle and expand on it?

A bitch can get lost in this phase. But I'm better at it than you'd think after writing all that out. Because really, i don't think. I'm just listening. What do i want to hear? It's an intuitive thing, a feeling thing.

When i don't hear any places left I can improve it's time to send it to co-producer and engineering master badass uncle man. His ears are actually the best ears. They are grammy winning ears. I used to get intimidated sending my songs to him but now after working with him for so long, i just get super excited. What's *he* gonna hear??

Part 6: Edits

Producer notes! This part might be lengthy or not at all - basically what i said, what does Uncle Badass hear? He is very very good at hearing things. Sometimes he'll hear something sticking out that isn't working, sometimes he'll hear that the song needs a fucking church bell like in Safe to Land (which i maintain is a legit stroke of genius it works so well. 'Member Ricky's exploding clock? Wtf. UB don't even watch the show, how'd he know?)

Sometimes he'll notice a vocal thing, a harmony he hears and thinks I could add, a part of the song that needs to go somewhere different. Maybe something will sound wonky in the chords or harmonies.

Sometimes, i didn't get the vocals sounding quite right at all and so...yup. You guessed it. They need a total redo. Part 4 here we go again.

Sometimes it'll be the guitar part i have sucks ass because i'm not a very good guitar player. But hey just my luck. Guess who is.

(Uncle Badass)

So yeah he'll add some sweet ass guitar for me.

He will also tune up my fake instruments to sound a little less fake. For example bass (not the cellos this time); i am not a bass player and it's not the part of a song i attune to naturally unless it stands out, which means the bass parts in my songs are very one note most of the time (ha); he'll add some walk up/downs, maybe, move it around so it sounds more like s bassist playing a bass and not someone pushing a button on a screen. it's pretty neat.

Once we've decided the edits to the arrangement and I've done and finalized any vocal edits I needed to do then it's mixin' time.

Part 7: Mixin', Mastering, And The Final Mix

This is my favorite part because i don't have to do anything. Well mostly. I start to think about like, oh, sharing, I have to like, put it on the online places. Because if I made an art and no one see/hears it, did I really make an art??

This involves very little because i am bad at it.

I really love people like, listening to my songs, that's the point yk? But I don't like anywhere but, eh, tumblr. So usually i just tell my small group of hellsite frez, only a fraction of whom are in the fandom thing the song is about, and make a bad lyric video. I used to do the twitter and the other places; there was a hot minute during the Hannibal times that my songs were getting some real listen-age, it was fun! And i made a couple people cry. Which was the goal really so I've peaked.

But yk, I like my songs. I like it when other people interact with and like my songs too. But i don't really care if they do or they don't anymore. It's the getting older part I s'pose. And also fan edits are like 10 seconds long now. My millennial ass with all my 4 minute show-tunes don't have a chance on this here musk's internet. But I digress.

Anywho, while I'm not doing much, my uncle's *working* on this thing. He's been doing this for... yk what im not gonna tell you how long he's been doing this for because he'd say it makes him sound old. And it's impossible. Did you see that pic? That mofo will never be old.

So yeah, Uncle Badass puts on his engineer hat and makes this thing sound like a song. I've tried my best at audio engineering; i haven't quite gotten it down, but I know enough to know how little I know, you know? It's pretty amazing, I send him a lot of noise and he cleans it up and glosses it all up and finishes it and makes it into a song that sounds like a song.

After a few days he'll usually send me back a gorgeous thing and i'll be like OMG THIS IS A GORGEOUS THING. and then listen to it thrice more and be like OK LET'S TWEAK THIS PART OF YOUR GORGEOUS THING

This usually is just more arrangement talk, nitty gritty details this time tho, maybe i want an instrument to come in a measure earlier, maybe i want to just *hear* that and see if i like it better (and then ofc, he would make that edit for me...and many times...I don't actually like it better...and he un-edits it. But the ears. They want want they want yk?)

We go back and forth a lot during this part.

We tweak here and there, slowly but surely morphing the song into what I heard in my brain when I wrote it back in Part 1, when it was just an idea and a lil stanza in my notes app.

This is a very cool part. Cuz then it's done! It's mixed and mastered and ready to go and just THERE! I can hear it! It's real! It's me! And we made a whole bunch of sound that didn't exist before! How cool is that?

Ahh finished song dopamine is the best.

So, yeah! That's how I write a song. And how it goes from a lil idea to a finished Art. And it feels good to finish an art! And then I post it on tumblr dot com and it gets 2 notes! But hey