#and it probably isnt a disease since i dont go out ever

[grimescum-2]

got a doctors appointment scheduled!! dont know when though

i genuinely don't know what's going on if anything even is ngl... like what if im making it all up and i dont even know /hj

[the-s1lly-corner]

So I just remembered the hanahaki disease trope and I think it’s perfect for Jax (You could include Gangle and/or Zooble too, they’d be p interesting)

Jax is horrible with showing vulnerability and confessions are quite vulnerable… he can’t really die in the DC but he can still suffer

Jax and Zooble with Hanahaki disease !

not explicitly x reader but you can still perceive it as such and im still tagging it as such so those who want it uhuhuhuh this post sure is gonna be interesting :0! honestly between all of the cast, i think these two are the most likely to suffer from hanahaki, gangle is a maybe but i cant think of anything for her sob sobs and i can kind of see caine also possibly getting it due to not understanding romantic stuff but thats assuming he can sick and also assuming he doesnt immediately confess to the reader upon realizing his feelings shrugs

JAX:

just going to say it flat out, if this were the real world jax would likely die before confessing anything simply because he hates the concept of being vulnerable, as well as being the one to have to open up... god this wouldnt be so hard if it were the other person suffering; as terrible as it sounds... though, i dont think jax is the most.. emotionally mature of the bunch so he likely would have a mindset like that... in the beginning, after he notices the first petals he probably starts hiding them when he realizes whats going on.. probably legitimately starts swallowing the petals because he cant stand the idea of someone seeing him cough them up... and i dont know the health risks of digesting flower petals, especially ones that just spawned inside of you, but that probably worsens his overall health. thankfully (if you can even say that) he cant die in the digital world.... which... allows things to drag out for longer, and its going to take a lot for jax to just swallow his pride and confess something of this nature... even if it means hes in excruciating agony... though, i can also see him just wanting to get it out of the way when he finally hits his limit, as humiliating as it is

just saying, if hes ever cured and actually gets with the person hes in love with, theyre going to have to work on his fear of vulnerability

ZOOBLE:

very similar to jax in terms that they also dont like being perceived as vulnerable. but for a different reason. jax doesnt like showing that kind of stuff off because he thinks love is gross and yucky! how dare he be flustered when someone calls him cute! zooble, on the other hand, more so doesnt like the idea of growing an attachment. especially in the digital world where your mental state is so vital to your physical state... nope too risky and they dont want to make the other person feel they need to keep going to spare them the hurt blah blah blah, stuff like that. though... this makes me wonder where the flowers come from, since zooble doesnt have a mouth... maybe they just... spawn out of where the mouth would be? i think that would make it easier for them to hide it for longer, until someone actually sees the petals actively coming out... less of a clean up too, since they cant bleed... but perhaps they are covered in a black residue, not too different from the stuff pomni throws up in the pilot.. shrugs.. between the two, zooble is more likely to crack and confess, though. jax has his pride to protect, but zooble isnt nearly as invested in their ego.. though i do think they try to play it off after the confession.. shrugs

[storybookprincess]

i hope its okay for me to write to you, but i feel like… im slowing losing my passion in writing? not really. i know thats not true because i still have so much fun with writing but sometimes i just feel like nothing i write matters and i’ll never be as good as other people because my first language isnt english. and i know, i know - comparison is a thief of joy and i usually dont compare, i swear (i even hide my stats on ao3 so i dont have to measure myself with numbers). its just that.. sometimes its tough. i dont know what i want. i dont want to quit but this just drives me crazy sometimes haha anyway.. have you ever feel that way? any tips on overcoming it? (if you dont want to answer, thats fine - thanks anyway for giving me a space to rant)

i’m going to keep it 100% real with you—i’m actually dealing with the exact same thing right now

i just feel……… tired as soon as even i think about writing. i wonder what happened to the person who could bang out 2k words within an afternoon & still feel that irrepressible itch to write more. big projects don’t seem invigorating & exciting anymore; they just sound exhausting. and it terrifies me, because being a writer is so central to who i am. if i lose that, then what??

anyway, all of that is to say that the following advice is as much for myself as it is for you, and that you’re not alone in this struggle:

1. first, take a deep breath. it’s okay. it’s okay for your passion to wax & wane. it’s okay if you take a little hiatus from writing or posting anything. its okay if you take a big one. it’s okay if things about your writing routine change. you are a writer, and you always will be a writer, even if you don’t put another word on paper for the next decade. you’re a writer not because of your word count, or your current wip, or the time you dedicate to writing today, but because of how writing has shaped who you are. because if you went back in time & erased writing from your life thus far, you would no longer be you. you’re a writer, now & forever, and nothing can change that

2. with all that being said, i hope you can understand that it’s okay to take a break. in fact, it might be necessary. i’m actually taking a break for the month of january, because i know that if i keep pushing myself when i’m creatively running on empty, i’m only going to further deplete my resources, not restore them. when i was younger, i used to think of decisions as all or nothing. you either keep writing or your quit. but that’s not true at all. you can take a break, even an indefinite break, and pick right back up where you left off. taking a break isn’t quitting, and while i know every creative person online is currently suffering from Content Machine Disease, you are allowed to go weeks or months or even years without sharing your work. breaks are okay. breaks are necessary

3. think about the bigger picture. first, what life stressors are you dealing with right now? these can often be hard to spot, but they lurk in the background, sapping your creative energy. you can’t run a marathon on a broken leg, and you can’t create when your mental energy is being drained. have grace & patience with yourself as you sort out the big stuff or just weather the storm. life obstacles to writing are very real

and second, try to think back to when you were most passionate about writing. when writing was thrilling and exciting and invigorating. what was it about that time that was different? did you have close writing friends who have since drifted away? were you writing about certain topics, or in certain formats? how has your mindset towards yourself & your creativity changed? for me, i’ve realized that i probably need to start replying to comments again, because that was a huge part of my excitement & joy when my love for writing was at its peak. how can you recreate those past circumstances in your life right now?

as always, i’ve gotten way too long winded 😅 if you got through this whole reply, thank you. i am wishing you all the best in rediscovering your passion, and please know that we’re walking that road together

[blackvail22]

i talk here a bunch each day because i have no one else to talk to.

its sad, honestly.

i couldnt go to my counseling appointment, so i wont be able to see her again for another 2 weeks

thats nearly a month since ive seen her

im not doing very well so this isnt good at all lmao

idk how im going to make it another 2 weeks but all i can do is try ...

i think i start work again next week. im afraid of what has changed... probably not a lot. all i know is we have a new manager, and ive heard he's nice

i have a postop appt on tuesday for my tonsillectomy. finally i will have what my disease means explained to meeee. i keep thinking about it, and its been bothering me. i probably wont know if i have another surgery until after my next ct scan (they have to space them out so i dont get exposed to too much radiation and i had one less than a month ago) and idk when that is

im so bored. i have to be the problem

i really think i am

"my friends wont reach out" but when i reach out its super dry and they varely engage. maybe im seeing it in the wrong perspective. maybe my vision is skewed, and im seeing it in the wrong light.

maybe its because theyre busy

maybe at work

going to work

hanging out with other friends

going to hang out with other friends

i want to have a good friend group so bad but i feel like i cant have one

i feel like my only friend was em even though she used me. oh, i dont know if i ever told u the reason why we arent friends anymore

so, i dont have the best memory of the order everything happened, but ill do my best to sort it out

after spending a bunch of time together, we started to fade away. i would ask her if she wanted to spend the night, she would hesitate for a good 30 minutes, talk to her mom, and then say "sure". sometimes she wouldnt wait until we ate dinner (but a good amount of times she did) until shed say "oh i forgot something at home" or "my stomach hurts" and id walk to her house with her (except the times when she'd tell me not to).

when i walked with her, she would always say "ill be right back" and then shed be gone for 10 minutes and her mom would come out and be like "hey... she doesnt feel well so she's going to say home". and each time i would walk home crying. at this point, she was already blowing me off, not talking to me, and overall being rude, but i still went back to her every time.

this rare occasion was in early september of 2017. we only hung out, and then she said she had someone else shes hanging w at her house. she had become friends with people that hated my sister as well as a girl that honestly no one knows. em started to become them... like literally she became a copy of them. the whole group of girls would tell her that my sister is a fat, ugly whore. they fed her all of this, and they would talk and call my sister names and generally talk shit about her

a few days after i heard abt this, i saw things from em that she was having a hard time. i was outside doing yard work, and she was walking by. i said "hey, i hope you feel better" and she yelled "fuck you" at me while, again, giving me the finger.

i dont know what i did, but that was the last time in years that we would talk to each other. we would be "friends" on the bus the few days she went to school sophomore year...

now, though? i dont exist to her. i saw her at my work TWICE this past year, once being on my recent birthday, and she pretended she didnt know me. i look the same as i did before... this most recent time, she was with her boyfriend, one of the friends from '17 and her mom. as i greeted them, everyone looked over except her... her mom even did a double take.

she claims she doesnt know why our friendship went to shit when we were toxic to each other our whole friendship. it was never healthy.

she seems to be happy though, at least happier than me. shes pregnant again. im not sure of the gender, but i think its going to be a boy. she's always wanted to be a mom, so i hope shes a good one.

[dellinah]

LONG ASS RANT ABOUT THYLACINES

I'm still not coping well so i made some shitty memes about my constant hyperfixation

Well I have been fascinated with these animals since I was a literal 8 year old bc of a book my mom gave me about animals (they're all drawn as opposed to pictures too it's pretty cool i used to trace over them all the time)

They're cool marsupials that went extint in 1936

I am a dumbass with one braincell so for some reason it didn't sink in that when the text said 'disappeared 70 years ago' it meant DISAPEARED FOR REAL. I also was too dumb to realize it was under the 'extinct' chapter

Anyway. These animals are fascinating to me and I have been obsessed with everything related to them ever since. I love how close they look to dogs and wolves despite not being related bc evolution works that well, i love their cute little faces, I love how they managed to survive way longer than they were meant to (more on that bellow), how they move, their lower ankles that look like someone fucked up a dog drawing, everything about it

And I absolutely HATE what they have become a symbol of

I would like to think human activity alone isnt enough to actually drive animals to extinction. That, while it helps, it merely speeds up the pace of an inevitable fate. But that's not true. There have been countless animals that died out bc of humans, and that would have been just fine without us around - be it by hunting, destroying habitats, introducing new species or bringing disease

Thylacines were hunted with no mercy bc they were thought to kill farm animals. People offered money for each one that was shot. Animals that humans introduced to their habitat infected them with disease and made food less avaiable. And just a few decades later, they were gone, forever

And if that wasn't bad enough, the last one we have record of died bc of NEGLET. In a zoo, he was left out in the cold night and didn't make it. They probably threw the body away with no care, thinking they could just get another one to use as exibition, and then realized too late it was the last

ON TOP OF THAT, rules to protect them were set in place about 50 days before the last one died. 50 DAYS!! Talk about too little too late. Maybe if they had done it earlier, things would have been different, but no. They didn't care until they realized hey we havent seen one in forever, fuck

ON TOP OF ON TOP OF THAT, the picture that was used to get farmers to kill them of a thylacine with a chicken in its mouth was most likely faked using a mounted one. It was fucking propaganda?? To??? Kill animals?? Man, what the FUCK. Maybe kill the ones around your property (still wrong but fine) but why lie to people to make them go out of their way to kill animals in the wild??

Everything about thylacines' extintion just highlights the worst parts of the human nature. How careless we are to everything but ourselves. How if it doesn't make us money, we don't care. How we care too little too late. How we can destroy something so easily. And how we don't care about lying about something to get what we want, no matter how bad the consequences might be to someone else

I honestly think the fascination people have with finding these animals in recent years is due to guilt, at least some of it. Yes it's a cool animal, but most important of all it makes us feel bad. So finding a new one maybe would make it ok. We can still save it. We're not that bad.

But that ever happening is unlikely

Thylacines lived short lives (up to 6 years in the wild, 9 in zoos) so to have them survive would require large populations constantly breeding. So to think we wouldnt have found a bone, a dead body, or run over one in over 70 years (also everyone has a phone now, why cant there ever be GOOD pictures taken of these sightings?) just seems like the kind of thing that can't happen

Not only that, but before human intervention they already suffered from low genetic diversity due to its population getting smaller over centuries due to disease and few individuals. It's sad to think that they were always doomed to fail, but it's likely the path they were going towards

So it just makes it way less likely that they would have survived in the wild. They were already failing to reproduce and survive with the individuals they had - imagine after we kill 99% of them. Even if some did make it past the year we recorded, it probs died out shortly after

BUT they could still be alive today, or at least gotten a few more decades. Some people think they did. And maybe we could have helped them if they made it to today with the technology we have

But we'll never know

There's a bunch of footage (with some newly discovered one) of the last one, and while that is cool, it just makes me sad :( to see it pacing around its small cage, with nothing to do, no other one to keep it company (they were often depicted in pairs, idk if they were social animals but it seems like it), not knowing it would never again have another one like it. There's also footage of someone rattling its cage?? Probs to get it worked up to make it walk around or react or something. DONT DO THAT

It's just a sad footage overall, and becomes painful to watch once you know everything else. A sad pacing stressed animal, that would die alone in the cold and go down in history as the last one ever. All while being oblivious to everything we have done to its kind, bc it was just a scared animal

Some people think they survived into the 90's, a lot of people claim to have seen one since 1936 (with no proof) and february 2021 one expert said they had proof they saw one and that it was a baby. It has been debunked by another expert, i have yet to see the pics, but until we have DEFINITE proof, i'll keep on believing they're gone

But it's nice to hope every once in a while. Every sighting makes me a bit happy. This is a big world, with so much of it unexplored, and animals though extinct have showed up again or even been cloned recently. So who knows!

It has been pretty shitty to live through a major historical event that is bad. For a moment I hoped I'd witness one that was actually a positive one

And honestly, if they are still out there, maybe a small population that learned to hide very well, I hope they keep hidden. I'd love to see them, but maybe they're better on their own

We've seen what happens when they're not

[aminiatureworld]

WAIT OMG!! IM SO HAPPY TO SEE YOUR REQUESTS OPEN AAAAA IF YOU DONT MIND!! I JUST ABSOLUTELY LOVE YOUR WRITING!! THEY'RE VERY IN CHARACTER AND😭💞💞💞 I have so many ideas in mind pls HHSHD

U can pick one- whichever you're in the mood for!!

Fluff: maybe zhongli being jealous of a plushie version of himself(and maybe the rex lapis statue) bc the reader seems so fond of it!! Reader doesnt know that he's rex lapis hehe how would he react? BFNFNF would he be fond of reader? A bit frustrated? Accidentally blurt out his real identity?? AAAA THE POSSIBILITIES ARE ENDLESS!!

Angst(hurt/comfort ish?): kinda hanahaki au!! the reader confessing to zhongli, but he declines! He dearly loves the reader, but he wants them to live their life to the fullest. He doesnt want the reader to feel the burden of growing up alone while their lover remains youthful. The reader refuses contact with him or anyone for a while!! But they get confused bc why aren't they coughing up flowers? Zhongli doesn't love them back, right? Maybe they confront zl!!

AAA I HOPE THIS ISNT TOO SPECIFIC?? IM SO SORRY IF IT IS AND FEEL FREE TO CHANGE ANYTHING IF EVER!! AND DO REMEMBER TO TAKE BREAKS!! LOOKING FORWARD TO READING MORE OF YOUR WORKS!!!

Hello!

Firstly thank you so much! I’m glad you like my writing so much. And I always love to hear ideas, so thank you for sending them my way!

Secondly because the request before this way also about jealousy I decided to take on the second prompt. Though I might stick the other one in my back pocket to write later, if you don’t mind of course.

Now, about the prompt. I’ll be completely honest I didn’t know what Hanahaki was before this request. I’ve probably heard of it in passing, but I did have to Google it to find out what I was working with. Since I wasn’t very familiar with the details of the trope I ended up lifting most of the symptoms from tuberculosis – which I learned is a lot more “common” than I thought, though it’s still considered rare in most developed countries about 1.4 million people die from it a year – which I kind surprised about considering it’s passed via air particles and not by things like foul water but antibiotic resistant mutations, etc.; I digress. Anyways if some of the rules are off that’s why. 

I didn’t talk about the actual disease too much in the end since the reader isn’t supposed to have it. Instead I focused more on the idea of how would somehow act if they thought they were doomed to die. I think it was a very interesting thing to explore, although funnily I think if you really picked through the fic you’d be able to figure out a lot of media I consume, since I feel a lot of my ideas stem from various media I’ve read as to death and love and immortality. 

I also made the ending positive to ambiguous. I might write a more concrete part later, but I felt the ending fit the general atmosphere a little better. Just because my brain took this prompt and somehow ran all the way back to romanticism. 

Speaking of which I thought it was very funny that Hanahaki in some ways reminds me of the romanticization of tuberculosis in the Victorian era. It was just kinda interesting to note.

Anyways sorry for rambling so much, but my thought process for writing this was very extensive and all over the place. I hope you don’t mind me going into it a bit, I think it’s kinda interesting, even if it’s probably not.

Here it is! I hope it’s what you’re looking for and I hope you enjoy!

[robin-hood-for-freedom]

I now present to you, my followers, the single worst article I have ever read.

TLDR: A supposed 'libertarian' is actually defending vaccine mandates.

This is actually so bad, I think its worth a full response:

If the vaccine causes no appreciable injury, can you still refuse to be injected, notwithstanding that you might be visiting significant risks on others?

For starters, thats a BIG 'if.' In fact, we know for a fact that there is a (yes very small, but not nonexistent) risk of serious harm from the vaccine in the short run, and we have no way of knowing if there will be harm 5 years from now.

But beyond that: The idea that not taking the COVID vaccine is 'visiting significant risks on others' is just...not true. Its pretty well accepted at this point that the vaccine doesnt prevent the spread of COVID, it just reduces your chance of having serious problems from it.

And that to me, is why vaccine mandates are dead on arrival. Even if we knew the vaccine was 100% safe(which is isnt), and guaranteed you wouldnt get sick from COVID(which it doesnt), it only protects you, meaning theres no 'externality' to not taking it.

Occasionally, however, advocates of limited government will condone directives to engage in benign activities (even when not cost-free) if failure to do so might cause injury to innocent bystanders. Safety requirements for nuclear power plants would be one example

This is actually a very high-level libertarian question that I dont think I should unpack here(maybe another post). But Its also not really relevant, since not taking a vaccine even if it did reduce the spread of COVID(which again it doesnt) isnt nearly as potentially harmful, nor as clearly intentional as, say building an unshielded nuclear reactor in the middle of a crowded city.

Punishing aggressive acts that have already caused damage is a routine government function. But it’s more complicated when government compels conduct that might minimize or alleviate future harm. That’s an area of the law — endangerment — where rights theory is difficult to apply. How much increased risk do I have to endure before your potentially malign failure to act can be redressed? When rights theory doesn’t provide adequate guidance, defenders of liberty often look to utilitarian, cost-benefit tradeoffs

I'm not sure I actually agree with this. But even if I did, it would have to be in the most cartoonishly extreme cases. Abandoning rights theory in favor of utilitarian cost-benefit analysis in anything less can lead to justifying all kinds of horrific shit. And applied too broadly can justify almost anything.

And, no I dont think refusing to take a vaccine(that doesnt even prevent the spread of COVID) comes anywhere near that level. To quote Jules from Pulp Fiction it ain't the same fuckin' ballpark, it ain't the same league, it ain't even the same fuckin' sport

vaccine mandates are nothing new. Wyoming, an indisputably conservative state, requires vaccines for 12 diseases if a child wants to attend either public or private school or a care facility, or participate in school-sanctioned activities.

A lot to unpack here:

First I'm against every single aspect of this, not just the vaccine mandates, but all the way down to the very existence of public schools. So this probably isnt the best example.

But even if you want to set that aside: Do you seriously not see a difference between a kid needing a vaccine to go to public school, and an adult needing one to go to the grocery store?

Also, I'm gonna go out on a limb and guess that every single one of the diseases kids need to be vaccinated for are more dangerous to them than COVID-19.

Oh and obligatory mention that the COVID vaccine doesnt prevent the spread of the virus.

More vaccinations would have slowed transmission and thereby afforded fewer opportunities for the virus to mutate.

The vaccine doesnt prevent the spread of the virus. So this is just straight up bullshit.

And even if it were true: the delta variant originated in a country(India) that hadnt had access to vaccines due to fuckery by the US government and pharma companies. So maybe you should be going after them instead of people who are understandably skeptical of a new medical treatment that we cant know the long term effects of.

Significantly, based on data from 40 states, persons fully vaccinated accounted for as little as 0.2 to 6 percent of COVID deaths, and 0.1 to 5 percent of hospitalizations.

While this might be argument for getting vaccinated(assuming those numbers are accurate, which I kinda doubt), its not an argument for forcing the vaccine on people. Since the vaccine doesnt prevent the spread of COVID, you arent reducing the risk to anybody but yourself.

Third, can we be sure that a vaccine mandate will remedy the problem? Put differently, haven’t we seen numerous breakthrough cases in which vaccinated persons have nonetheless been infected? Yes, but the key reason breakthrough cases are a growing part of the total is that we’ve vaccinated a higher percentage of the population. Most important, as noted above, people who are fully vaccinated experience far fewer hospitalizations and deaths.

All of this is completely irrelevant since the vaccine doesnt prevent the spread of COVID

Yes I'm getting tired of repeating myself, but this point cannot be emphasized enough: If you're argument for vaccine mandates is that not getting vaccinated poses a threat to others, then the fact that the vaccine dosnt prevent the spread kills your argument before it even begins.

Perhaps we should just wear masks and maintain social distancing. But the consensus is that the vaccine would still be necessary, and far more effective.

Funny thing, the CDC is saying masks and social distancing are necessary even with the vaccine because(say it with me now) the vaccine doesnt prevent the spread of COVID.

Perhaps natural immunity from contracting the disease is stronger than vaccine-induced immunity. But most studies say otherwise.

I feel like I should point out here that I've seen a lot of arguments from people on both sides of this question. And I dont have enough knowldge of immunology to be able to judge which is the correct position.

Although it wouldnt really matter if the vaccine were more effective than natural immunity, since it doesnt prevent the spread of COVID.

Perhaps a vaccine mandate can be geographically or demographically constrained. That’s an obvious consideration, which suggests that local officials be given substantial discretion in establishing the scope of any mandate.

I suppose that would be better than a national mandate. But even that much would be unjustified since the vaccine doesnt prevent the spread of COVID.

Or perhaps vaccinations could remain optional, but with restricted access to selected activities by the unvaccinated. That notion — a vaccine “passport” — has the support of nearly 82 percent of Americans, according to a recent survey.

In other news: 82% of Americans are morons who dont realize the vaccine doesnt prevent the spread of COVID.

(okay but seriously, given that almost half of all Americans arent vaccinated, I have to question the methodology of this survey).

 we are in the midst of a health emergency, which means that suitably modified, narrowly-tailored, time-limited rules may be justified.

This is a one-time thing because we are in the middle of an emergency is the justification for nearly every tyrannical act ever undertaken by governments. And to hear it coming from a supposed 'libertarian' is equal parts terrifying and nauseating.

Oh and the vaccine doesnt prevent the spread of COVID.

[cyprinodont]

i can't see your replies to these people (they probably deleted them?), but i can already tell that they're the type that want both to insist upon their right to do and think whatever they want, which is fine and well, but also to be *right* and never responsive to any actual evidence or argumentation. a lot more comfortable to write off things as "western" than offer up a solid critique of them. they're objectively stupid and gullible buy think theyre not because theyre anti status quo

I dont think Selfown is stupid or malicious I just think they have confused things. Its totally understandable to be skeptical of new medicines. Just like you dont buy a new model car, you wait until the kinks have been worked out in the design. Its understandable that people are afraid, especially because a lot of people dont have the knowledge and skills to separate real information and crackpots. They by default dont trust doctors, they listen to people who they trust who say things about living natural or not needing modern medicine.

But where they go dangerously wrong is in thinking that this is a private decision that only affects themselves. Actually especially when they started talking about how they dont trust WELL proven vaccines like chicken pox and spewing bullshit like "chicken pox is actually integral to brain development" and herd immunity bullshit. That stuff is obviously wrong and literally kills children. We have decades of data on vaccines like polio or the mumps and we KNOW, we KNOW that they are so so so much better than allowing children to get life threatening diseases. The statistics work out so well in our favor for most vaccines. You have to actually be some kind of radical primitivist to say that you want more children to die of preventable diseases, which is what would happen if we stopped vaccinating.

Their arguments about the downsides are entirely based in fear, basically. Fear of the "unnatural" it's a pretty common pathology these days, were so bombarded with things that we domt understand that some people think that the best response they can have is to just jettison everything they dont understand. I dont understand vaccines so therefore I'm afraid of them.

And the fact is that theres nothing wrong with those people. You cant convince them with facts because they dont have faith. They dont have faith in scientists. Which is what it is, science is a religion as much as any other. Personally I know enough science and scientists that I do have faith in them, I do truly believe that most people working in scientific fields are genuinely smart and good people who want to help the world. The problem is that anti vaxxers and people like selfown dont have that faith, they are inherently suspicious of scientists for many understandable reasons. Science needs to market itself just like any other religion, and it has not done a great job. It has been pretentious and patriarchal and even actively hostile to human life at times. It got us Zyklon B and nuclear weapons and assault rifles and the highway system and Google and Amazon and lots of other things that are anti-human. Doctors have tortured people and used human testing and ignored entire demographics of peoples subjective experiences (women, people of color) Ever since the first saw bones took someones tooth out with an arrowhead, doctors have caused immeasurable pain and saved peoples lives.

I had a lot of coffee but my main point is that all of that bullshit is just a smokescreen for the fact that vaccines are a simple statistical calculation: is the cure worse than the disease? If polio kills and maims people, and the polio vaccine reduces the number of people killed and maimed, it's just stupid NOT to use it even if there are some side effects. Like tylenol has side effects but when I have a headache, the fact that it stops my pain is worth more to me than a slight stomach ache. To Selfown and people like them, I dont understand WHY, but they have decided that the possible side effects are worse than children and people dying. That I cant explain, they have to explain that calculation for themselves. It almost seems to me to be an ego thing, they would prefer a dead child to a disabled one. Like the people who think vaccines "cause autism", even if it DID, isnt a living autistic child better than your child possibly dying and also infecting your neighbors child and them dying? Even if you hate vaccines and think they're terrible for evolution or whatever, is that worth literally watching children die in front of you? Or do you just think that you wont be the one whose child dies?

[kpop-pick-me-up]

How to loosely gauge where you stand on the privilege scale.

Everybody has some sort of privilege over someone else. It doesn't make you a bad person to have privilege. What makes you a bad person, is not being aware that you have a privilege and criticizing those who have less privilege than you for calling you out on it. So here is a very loose way to find out how much privilege you have. Feel free to add more questions in the comments I'll add them in!

Create a small "staircase" by laying out 21 pieces of paper on the floor, or just 21 small objects to mark the steps. (Have extra in case you need to add as you go)

Start by standing by/on the middle one.

Ask yourself these questions:

Am I white? If yes, take two steps up the stairs. If not, take two steps back.

I am female. If not, take one step forward, if yes take one step back.

I am straight. If yes, take on step forward. If not, take one step back.

I am naturally thin/fit and have no difficulty finding my size in stores or seeing models and celebrities that have similar body types to mine. If true, take a step forward and if false, take one back.

I am christrian. If true, take one step up, if false take one step back.

I live, and always have lived, in a safe neighborhood where I felt no danger on a regular basis. If true, take one step forward. If false, take one step back.

I have never been discriminated against because of my race, religion, or sexuality. Discrimination meaning; in the workplace, school, unprompted on the streets etc. If true, take one step forward and if false, one step back.

I can walk down to the street during the day freely without fear of being called out or attacked. If true, take one step forward. If false, take one step back.

I have a caring and loving family. If yes, take one step forward. If not, take one step back.

I have access to fresh foods that aren't canned, bagged, or prepackaged regularly, and never had to wonder when my next meal would be. If true, take a step forward. If false, take a step back.

I have never been scared of/had my power, cable, water, or electricity turned off because of insufficient funds. If true, take one step forward. If false, take one step back.

My parents/grandparents offer to help/Currently help pay some of my bills or funding. If true, take a step forward. If not, take a step back.

I have never not had a warm bed to sleep in, or a roof over my head. If true, take a step forward and if false take a step back.

I have access to things like the internet regularly, and the ability to further and choose my education if I wished to. If yes, take a step forward, if not take a step back.

I am transgender. Of true, take a step back. If false, take a step forward.

The top of the staircase is success. The higher up you are the easier it's achievable, the less stairs you have to trudge up to get there. You should notice by now you're probably rotating between the same 3-4 steps. Or you're continuously moving forward, or continuously moving backwards. This is where you loosely stand on the privileged staircase. If you're at the top, you are very privileged. It doesn't mean life is perfect or you've never been sad, it just means society has no reason to hold you back, and true oppression will never happen. You have little to no steps to climb. If you're at the bottom you don't experience any privilege in today's society. You are forced to trudge up every step, through every barrier to even just see the top. If your still directly in the middle, you're more privileged than some, and less than others. You get the gist.

This is just to make you more self aware and understand that you don't have to have a perfect life to be privileged, that having privilege doesn't make you a bad person. It means you need to be aware of the privileges you have and how it effects those that DONT have the same ones. To grab their hands and say "you're a person like me, I'll support you in whatever you need to do. I understand I'm privileged and that somethings may be harder for you even if I don't understand it. So please lead the way so I know how to use my privilege to make this better for you. To be equals. You have the floor because I know nothing about what it's like. "

You do NOT put yourself on a pedestal and say "I'm more privileged I'll be their hero."

You do NOT treat them like a disease or that there is something wrong with them and they need help all the time.

You ask them what it's like, you LISTEN to what they have to say with all of your attention because in this time, you don't completely understand and you never will. They are strong, independent beautiful people who don't need saving. Many of them have climbed from the bottom of the steps to the top and deserve every fucking second of praise and reward they recieve. They just need support and friendship. They need RESPECT. They need you to gently grasp their hand as they pass you in the steps, give them a part on the back and say "you're so fucking strong keep pushing yourself." And by listening to their stories when they pause on your step to rest and sharing them as they are said to you word for word is the only way to ever even think of changing the staircase.

You can be angry with where you stand. I want you to be angry. I want you to scream and rage and cry and say "this isnt fair" and then SCREAM EVEN LOUDER. if youre at the top I want you to be angry. I want you to be so mad that you use what you have to understand those below you, o want you to be so mad that you jump off the fucking staircase and say "how the fuck do I break it?" If you're at the bottom I want you to say "SCREW this staircase" and climb the railing to your own success. I want you to find a way to climb without it. To say "Fuck the stair case" and soar because you have just as much potential as the person in front of you and deserve to live and be happy.

Maybe we can never change it. Maybe we are stuck on this stupid staircase, so you give up and ignore it all together. But if we do that we won't ever know if we can weaken the cement holding it together. We never will know if maybe part of the staircase gets cut off or someone gets a chance to hop up a step.

But the first step? (The most difficult for some) is to acknowledge where you stand, and do something about it.

Edit: since I got some feedback Id like to make a couple things clear.

This isn't an exact placement. It's a social exercise. It helps people humble themselves or become more self/socially aware. The act of taking a step forward while knowing someone has to take a step back or even WATCHING someone else take a step back is enough to make a person think. It simply gives you an idea that: "maybe this DOES negatively impact people" or "I take that for granted." It's not an exact place. Of course, if you wanted an exact place you'd need to be severely tested, create multiple staircases for individual topics and then do math to find the average of where you stand. That's not what this is about. It's the action itself.

I would also like to mention that this is just a very basic outline. You can take this game and alter it, use it for specific topics like jobs, mental health, lgbtq+ etc. It's all up to you the questions you ask. Whenever I play this game I always start asking random questions I've seen discussed in the media to see how things going on effect those around me. There will be a couple questions I add up there because they are good valid questions, you can also simply create more and ask yourself them in the moment. Just like how the real world is there are no set structures or rules, just a basic outline.

Also, someone decided to comment on my Grammer and how I worded the questions lmao. I really don't care because posts like these are just brain dumps. They're stuff I just write out quickly on my phone and document for my own sanity. I often don't have the time to sit an plan out brain dumps they just happen, and I have to post them within the time constraints I have. For example I had to write this in less than ten minutes. I also never reread brain dumps because then I end up deleting them. So trust me, I know the grammar isn't great for any of my brain dump posts but that's what they are, dumps. This is just something I do to help connect with people since I have a lot of communication issues and difficulty understanding people, thoughts etc. This game and my brain dumps are how I get through them.

Please, if you think of any good questions feel free to add them in the comments or reblog with more. Check for new questions in the comments.

Again, don't take this too seriously, it's a brain dump and very quickly written. I never expect any brain dumps to get attention, so I feel no need correct grammar or make sure everything is 100% perfect all the time. I just write and go so I can focus on my task at hand. It's that simple.

[ruiyuki-archives]

Star Tear AU - Momo ver.

This is an AU I wrote on the todomomo discord server eons ago. Anything posted to this blog will be transcripts of old original work and not really edited, save for formatting. I have no guarantees if I will ever finish these AUs either so these will only be kept as an archive.

Original transcript posted to tdmm discord: Aug 2020

Momo ver. Alternate timeline: Todo ver. Part 1 || Todo ver. Part 2 || Todo ver. Part 3

ALRIGHT YALL NEW TROPE ALERT ➡ STAR TEAR DISEASE

Basically the cousin of Hanahaki Disease. Unrequited love causes a person to cry star tears accompanied by the sound of twinkling and if the feelings are not returned said person goes colour blind

And I just !!!!

tdmm AU where Momo gets star tear disease and the first time she cries in front of Todo after the exam with Aizawa she cries star tears???

And she doesn’t know what it means and neither does Todo but maybe Aizawa does and recognizes what it means but idk

So Momo goes on this whole literary quest to research what it means. And Todo volunteers to help bc umm?? Even the pressure point in her foot doesnt stop this phenomenon so he wants to figure it out too

And along the way they dig through the UA library on study dates and dig through the bookstores and dig through the interwebs together

Spending more and more time together, Momo starts to realize she’s feeling something. that is until one night she finds it on the web what star tears mean

Its her unrequited love for Todoroki

And her realizing this just makes it w or s e

Bc the consequence of not having her feelings returned means she goes colour blind

Or you know what, im just gonna alter it and make it more angst. She goes fully blind, ya lets do that.

SO MOMO

Poor bby is grappling with this realization and coming to terms with it all on her own; recognizing that if she doesnt let Todo know after all this time spent together she’s come to love him....... she'll go blind

But ofc its Momo... poor bby selfless Momo....

Her feelings and her own and not a responsibility of Todo to like her back and cure her of this disease so there is NO WAY she’s gonna burden him with that

Plus they’re both too busy tryna be heroes and shouldn’t have this as a distraction

So ofc Momo's not gonna tell Todo

And she cries and cries even more star tears that twinkle in fill her room in the dark like galaxies in the sky.

Its really beautiful.

She'll accept that she'll go blind never to see the face of her loved ones again. Her parents. Her friends....... Todoroki.

And that potentially she might have to give up her dream of being a hero if the blindness compromises it.

But she'll accept that.

The next day she wakes up and cant see a colour

And slowly it begins.......

She loses green first. Its hard to distinguish green from yellow

Then yellow goes

Then orange

Then one by one colour fades over weeks and weeks

Ofc shes not telling anyone.

She fakes it in class, during hero training, during her internship

That when Ochako and Hagakure asks "isnt the colour dress cute?" holding up a lovely chartreus and gold dress, she lies and says yes even though she sees gray

Which breaks her even more

And so she cries alone at night some more star tears

And it keeps going

All the while Todo noticing from beside his desk......

something is off...

But he doesnt ask her. Not yet.

Because after weeks of spending time with her researching, he believes they’re close enough that she'll share with him what’s going on

He didnt question it when she told him "its ok Todoroki san, we can stop researching"

"Did you figure it out?"

"Yes. Its nothing to be concerned about anymore"

He doesnt question it when he notices her in the morning at breakfast,,, the little speckles of star dust glimmering at the corner of her eyes

And he doesnt question himself either when he starts to think the twinkling tears she cries when she thinks she is alone,, makes her look really beautiful

Its those some odd moments when he passes the classrooms on the way back to the dorms at sunset that he sees her alone by the window,, looking out,, as the sun paints the sky reds pinks yellows and oranges,,, that she stares out and star tears fall from her eyes, twinkling in the setting light

And he thinks to himself that she is really beautiful,, a shadow against the setting sun

So he watches and thinks some more

That shes beautiful even without the sunset. Beautiful in class answering the hardest question. Beautiful in battle when her tactics win over her opponent. Beautiful studying when he notices her little motions when shes concentrating.

But while Todo thinks that to himself, Momo cries. Little star tears in her eyes.

She cant see the sunset anymore.

.

.

.

He doesnt think its serious when she tells him to disregard the matter

But when he happens to run into her when visiting his mom at the hospital, and she’s on her way out from the optometry & ophthamology department to get this whole eye thing checked out, thats when he realizes

Oh. This is serious.

And he starts trying to get her to talk but she’s being all avoidy and tight lipped

Cuz from Momo’s doctors’ appointment, the doc told her there’s no cure unless she gets over the feelings herself or her feelings are returned

And really now, she still thinks its her burden to bare not his

So logically the only thing she thinks she can do to slow down the blindness from the tears is to shut down her feelings for him. Put them in a box. And become cold.

Todoroki hates that.

That she’s being avoidant and cold when he knows something is wrong and wants to help her but she is being so not Momo anymore

He wants the kind, loving, selfless, pure hearted, strong Momo he's grown to learn and respect and know back

And that’s when he realizes he really cares for her

Not just admiring her beauty. Or respecting her battle instincts and leadership

That he realizes he really likes her

Perhaps even loves her.

So thats that.

Until its mission time.

Cuz its not angst until someone gets hurt and the other realizes they’ve been keeping a secret all this time sooooooooo

Smth smth UA kids vs a new baddie or minor villian or idk it could be dabi for all i want bc i put dabi in everything lmaooo

But who they’re fighting is not important

The important part is tdmm are on the same team

Maybe deployed as partners even

And theyre fighting back to back against some grunts

And at this point Todo is frustrated he’s not getting through to Momo just after he shook his own world realizing he likes her

And Momo's being all cold but civil and she is completely colour blind.

Theres no undoing the damage in her eyes. She can see in muted muddy tones and grayscale.

So for plot convenience lets say the villain has some kinda colour distortion quirk that mixes up the perception of colour from the true colour in a form of illusion or smth idk

So when the grunts in all black uniform end up attacking them, to Todo and Momo, one looks dressed in red, another in green, others in blues yellows purples

tdmm do pretty well fending them off until Todo notices 3 of them in blue green and purple about to attack Momo at once

And she’s ready to fend them off but doesnt notice a 4th one in red coming in for a swift sneak atttack right behind the green one

But Todo does notice

And he shouts

"YAOYOROZU THE RED ONE"

But she cant tell

And the knife lands deep in her shoulder

And Todo burns the rest to a crisp

You can imagine what the conversation is in the aftermath, when Momo has her shoulder bandaged up and Todo tending his own wounds

"Yaoyorozu.. please be honest with me. Why didnt you avoid the red one when I shouted?"

Because, he knows, that the heroine Creati he's trained along side with for so long would have been able to anticipate the grunts assault

That she would have expected a sneak attack amidst a simultaneous attack

But the fact that she didnt. Couldnt. Avoid it definitely means shes been handicapped

And Momo, upon being asked, hurt and tired from their battle finally relents

She cant lie to him any longer.

"It was because... i couldnt tell. I couldnt distinguish their colours. I havent been able to for a few weeks now.... I've..."

A star tear falls from her eyes.

"I've lost my colour vision Todoroki-san"

Tiny galaxies fall from her eyes as she finally explains to him what these tears are

And Todo is speechless as she talks, only able to hear the twinkles against her words broken against sniffles and hiccups

And when sh’es said all she knows - that this is a disease that will turn her blind, that there is no cure and it comes as a consequence of loving someone who doesnt love you back, that she doesnt want to burden the person she loves with her responsibility, that she has been trying bury her feelings to save herself ...

He finally asks: "Who is it.  Tell me who it is that you love Yaoyorozu"

.

.

.

.

"You. Its you Todoroki-san"

And his heart broke.

He pulls her into a hug,, so tight she thinks she might be crushed

And its his turn to cry against her

Because all this time she was doing this for him

"Im sorry Momo. Im so sorry. You dont have to suffer alone anymore. Because we're partners, long before I even realized it"

"Eh?"

He looks into her eyes, unwavering

"Im in love you too."

The tears that fall from her next are no long starlight.

Epilogue/trivia:

Momo loses her colour vision following the colour wheel starting with green ➡ yellow, orange, red, etc until blue is last to go

Shes most heartbroken about losing red and blue cuz those are the colours she associates with Todo (when she cant see the sunset anymore its when she realizes she lost red and that’s why she’s crying)

Since the damage of the disease cant be restored, she has to deal with greyscale vision for some years

Eventually Eri rewinds it for her once Eri can control her power

but for those some years Momo is so busy!! cuz she goes into genius mode and starts creating (and probably working with Hatsume) vision impairment accessibility tools? Yes

and bc I have an unhealthy obsession with the todofam, Natsuo probably ends up getting a case of the disease for some odd reason if he ever broke up with his gf and Todo upon hearing it is like NO GO TELL HER PLS

He’s not gonna let anyone else on the other end feel the guilt that he did for Momo

> archives masterpost

[plushievash]

how did leo/alexei happen? give us lore!

so for a long while they both had crushes on each other but alexei is stupid and leo suffered from internalized homophobia believing hes not meant for relationships no matter how much he wanted one with someone he would never pursue it bc he thought he would be a burden/nobody sees him that way/he is repulsive;; alexei just admired leo too much and thought leo was out of his league and that hed never love someone like him and also bc hes alexei and is just like * has severe paranoia and also no social skills *

dasha saw the Signs™ tho bc hes like love is in the air….and i will find out where its coming from and then. he suffered watching these 2 dumbasses for 2 almost 3 years dance around each other and their feelings while nobody else believed him that hey…..looks like somethins goin on between alexei and leo…u ever notice how leo takes any chance to touch him? u ever notice the way alexei immediately becomes more interactive when leo comes along? yes i know leo is clingy yes i know alexei is improving socially just like. Look its Right in Front of You.

but anyways went like that for the longest time where both of them kind of planned to make their feelings known but could never work up the courage to follow through with it. and alexei got with lucien to try to forget abt leo bc he “knew” he ‘had no chance’ and leo just [roblox OOF] and as usual * focuses on work at a dangerous level and does stupid stuff *

which ends up with a mix up and confusion where leo is missing and puts everyone in a panic and miko catches a guy named nikostratos and ooh ooough oh hes so mad hes so ohguh hes so angry that hes mad. and without thinking and following standard procedure does some things and is 8D to find out uh oh! just gave my brother the familys awful itchy scratchy disease! fuck! time to go kms i guess!

and masha is big mad at everyone so shes just like leo and miko are banned from work and if they even attempt it they wont bc theyd cross me and nobody crosses me. and then alexei is put on watch to make sure leo doesnt try to sneak away and work on his own anyways and to nobodys surprise, he does try. instead of sending one of his people alexei personally confronts him and persuades him to go back home. to which leo asks alexei to stay with him and he does…slowly leo starts to ease up again as alexei stays with him and basically lives with him/stella/the twins for a short while as hes stationed to by masha

eventually after a while of watching both miko and leo masha is satisfied enough with their recoveries and allows them back to their jobs calling alexei off since they no longer need to be supervised. but alexei again * is extremely paranoid and well meaning but also awful * so he keeps his people watching leo from a distance just to be sure hes safe; as he does with maxim and miko (the only difference is that maxim and miko Know he does that and asked him to do that; leo didnt.) oh yeah somewhere sprinkled in around that time alexei split with lucien cause he just. wasnt happy it wasnt working. i dont remember where exactly in all this mess it happened LMAO u might wanna ask my boyed friend abt that since alexei is his

so anyways after a while of being back to work leo notices hes still being followed and slowly gets paranoid and irritable. he ends up doing rash things that could end up getting him killed just to get the attention of the people following him to see if hes “just being paranoid” or if hes really being followed still despite masha allowing him to return to work. eventually after the 3rd time instead of sending someone to intervene alexei himself shows up and leo is Angry and hurt tells alexei to call off his people cause if he ever sees them again he wont hesitate to kill them and so alexei does cause he does care abt his people he doesnt try to defend himself or anything it finally hits him that he just “oh hmm. ok yeah that was kinda fucked up. uh oh i fucked up. this is bad”

and leos whole attitude began to shift instead of his usual generally polite and very easy attitude ready to make friends with anyone he became guarded irritable and quiet and he lost the soft tone in his voice. eventually even with his favourite most important people around him (stella/felix/miko) hes just too paranoid sick to his stomach and angry to stay where he is. so he says hes going to take a vacation and instead moves down to work at the other facilities as a lower agent domenico carlevaro; he doesnt alter his appearance too much aside from dyeing his hair and changing his general fashion style. the only person he allows to come down and see him is mikolaj but he says if felix or stella ever asked him he is allowed to tell them they can see him but no one else. not maxim or dasha or alcides not the twins. he cant stand to see anyone else. miko regularly visits him but has to ask each time since leo doesnt stay in 1 place for too long. eventually leos anger just makes him even more reckless causing him to break his prosthetic; so he has to return to apologize to dasha and ask for a new one.

there he finds out alexei has disappeared and immediately he just feels a twist in his stomach bc he wanted to be angry and pretend that hes over it and he doesnt care about him anymore but he still does so after he gets his new arm despite maxims protests he insists that he will assist maxim in the search. miko reports that alexei was last seen injured being carried away by a woman from some abandoned facility and so everyone is like ok fuck! who is that! is he already dead! or what the fuck! goddamn it! eventually maxim and leo manage to find where alexei is hiding running into one of his people; daria who is a tracker and not really experienced in protection. she… doesnt know how to properly use a gun. shenanigans happen bc daria is sweet and maxim and leo are not mean then leo sees alexei and boy ! he is  FUCKED UP. alexei looks like hes str8 up dying (cause he is!) hes extremely weak and has to use a cane to walk hes got bloody bandages all over and his arm in a sling and later leo and maxim see that arm has a huge ass bite taken out of it and maxim is just 8D…im a good doctor but im not That good a doctor what the fuck is this. and calls marina down to see if they know what this is

marina does and identifies it as a kaprinka bite (ask my boyed friend what a kaprinka is) and that all cases theyve been in charge of nobody has survived but theyll do what they can to try to fix it. maxim and leo decide to take shifts to always be in the room with alexei in case anything goes wrong like his condition suddenly gets even worse and they need to call marina or an attempt on his life happens. so the first night while leo is in charge of watching alexei they start to talk and leo isnt angry anymore and instead is just…Really really sad and admits how hes felt and how he knows that he doesnt have to; he shouldnt; and he Doesnt forgive him for what he did but hes willing to push that aside to at least go back to the way they were. and alexei admits how hes felt and apologizes for everything and how he “probably got himself killed” and theyre both just mmmm feels bad toddbut after that it gives alexei the push to keep on living and alexei does Stupid Stuff which is really stupid but! it helps and he manages to bring back the kaprinka for marina to see what they can do to help him since they said that theyve only ever seen kaprinka that were already dead and not usable for testing it takes months and some big rollercoaster ups and downs w/ alexeis progress but he makes it and recovers but continues to stay in hiding til he gains his full strength back and during that time someone is sent to kill him and leo and maxim stop the guy and then stuff happens and alexei is big mad and blah blah and stuff and then after thats taken care of and his recovery is full they all return and leo helps alexei/artyom/daria in their search for what originally caused the whole situation alexei got in

and so basically from the day they found him theyve been dating Finally but never like fully established it but its very clear now so everyone knows and dasha is rubbing it in everyones faces and miko and felix are dying and they just Cant understand.

also a quick note: theres 2 darias…i have a daria who is just a cute crafts girl with rainbow hair but thats not the daria in this situation…the daria in that situation is my boyfriends oc who is a motorcycle racer and tracker for alexei but they are both equally cute and good

[clownbeep]

This is gonna be kinda brutal. But I want to put it into writing

Big vent/whats been going on

Hah... I guess this is like my life story or some shit...

Trigger warning ahead.. Depression and a bit of gore/suicide talk so if you are sensitive to that please, for your own sake and mental state you might not want to continue.

For those who dont want to hear a pretty dark vent, I understand.

And those who are just scrolling by feel free to scroll past. I just personally want to get this out.

If you have dealt with emotional neglect/abuse and need to know it isnt in your head this might be the post.

By writing this it feels like hopefully someone else will read this and realise certain things are NOT healthy.

If you are questioning if you are being emotionally neglected/abused (im speaking in a parental sense but even romantically or sexually) im not someone to give you answers, but the fact you are questioning it raises some red flags. In a healthy relationship you dont wonder those things.

Sorry for the long prelude but heres what I wanted to say

.

.

.

.

.

.

Ever since I was young, ive had bad ADHD, manic bipolar/depression, and sensory issues.

I was diagnosed around 13 I believe. My family (I didnt realise it then) always showed pity. Like I was some wild animal that couldnt be tamed and there was nothing they could do. Id do and say stupid attention seeking things just to try and get a shred of empathy.

My family didnt care.

When I was in the hospital for a suicide attempt regaurding pills and my liver had a chance of failing.. None of my family members cried over me. But a family friend. Someone not. Even. Related. Wept over me.

My family didnt care.

I cant say they never cared. They give me food water and luxuries like internet and a phone. For that I am grateful.

But in many other ways they have hurt me faar more than helped.

Once I got out of a short term stay in an inpatient mental facility I desperately needed contact with anyone who would care for me.

I have a younger sister, quite young probably around 7 at the time. She was a close friend of mine for that time. Id hang out with her so often to fill the gap in love it felt my family didnt give. One day I walked into the dining room and overheard my mother and father talking to my little sister. They told her to keep away because I wasnt "stable" because I was "dangerous" and could give her bad Ideas. And with one single action my only friend at the time and way to find happiness was taken away.

My family did not care.

When I stay in bed every day for months on end not knowing which day ill snap and end it all.... I get called lazy.

My family did not care

When I beg for medication to make me a functional human being they brush me off for years on end. Im losing my grip. I can barely remember things that have happened last week because I try so hard to forget everything its my automatic response to everything.

When I cant get to sleep because all of the memories come flooding back and im hit by wave after wave of horrific memories and the feeling if worthlessness... When I cant watch any videos or read posts about families because it brings on unwanted memories and emotions....

Is it me being dramatic then?

When you hear your family openly mocking and laughing about how stupid and dramatic and fake trans people are... How weird and unnatural and mentally insane these people are not knowing they are the very reason grsm and trans suicides are so high...

Am I a liar now? Am I insane?

When I tried to talk to them about my mental health issues. They took my only way of contact and made me feel like it was my own fault.

My family didnt care.

When I was nearly passed out shaking in a bathtub covered in wounds and blood all over... They showed pity, then lectured me for an hour for not telling them or for being impulsive and basically cleaned my wounds and sent me into my room.

My family didnt care.

Yes. I do agree, they cleaned my wounds, the physical side of showing care. However emotionally they were not there.

When my father drinks so heavilly every day he is home from work that he forgets half the things he tells you and can barely function.. They lecture my older sister for having a glass of wine (legal age)

They did not care.

My sister (23) tried for so many years to cling to what little attention she would get by getting good grades and going to college... She realised that it changed nothing about how my family felt toward her.... She snapped.

My family did not care.

She starves herself for a disease she does not have, she uses religion as an exuse to be one of the biggest christian extremists I personally know. Half the days she doesnt eat... Other days she burns book and gets rid of items for being demonic.

My lovely sister used to be kind and quite normal. However she couldnt find comfort in what little live her family gave. Starved for care she turned to religion to un unhealthy degree. Finding any way to keep her mind busy. Now I worry she will end up in the hospital for weighing so little.

My family did not care.

My oldest sister (27) Is married to a continuously cheating husband who she keeps letting back into her life. She was raised with a failing marrige and doesnt seem to see when she should call it quits.

Not to mention her husband has touched someone legally under the age of concent. Did she report him to the authorities? No.

All of these horrific things stemming from bad parenting. Unhealthy relationships and neglect.

Neglect emotionally can cause just as bad things as physical neglect. They are both horrifically dangerous in different ways.

These are the only big things I can remember... Basically age 15 and below are a complete blur to me and I cant remember much of it without thinking for a looong time. Even then I cant remember a lot of it... I feel like ive lost my whole damn childhood. And it hurts more than if they had just hit me or physically harmed me.

Im not underplaying physically harm. But in my personaly opinion I would rather my family have beaten me badly because at least then id have an easier way to prove to people how severe the abuse was. You can see bruises and confirm broken bones... But years of feeling completely useless and being shut off from most of the world other than the internet... It fucks you up in a way I dont think can be healed.

I dont know if I can ever love myself or... Remember things. Its terrifying to think Ill post this and a few weeks later probably not even rememner unless its brought up. Or meeting people and having conversations... And they are just... Gone.

Gone.

I suppose the biggest reason im writing this is well... In the future I dont want to forget in some ways.. I want like to be 100× as awesome knowing itll start as soon as im out of here..

If I dont have anything to compare it too then what is the point?

Ive layed out basically most of what I remember

A large amount of time I look around and nothing registers... Everything is familiar but I cant remember anything for a moment or two.. I feel like my memory is slipping so fast and im terrified.. I cant do anything to stop it and I cant make my mood be stable without the medication my family cant be bothered to get ...

I suppose this is a bit of a vent. I know its kind of everywhere and unorganized..

If im honest.. Tumblr is the only place where people have given me a home I wish I had..

I came out as trans here... Everyone was so damn supportive.. I didnt say anything but I cried hard and the kindness.. It was amazing.. It was such a jarring difference to how I feel when I say anything in real life.

Ive met friends here and ive had some much fun here. If youve stuck around this far thank you so much.. If you didnt I dont blame you.

I just wanted to share what has been flashing in my head these past few days.. It hurts a lot and ive even considered suicide recently..

Im trying hard. As hard as I can.. I have no escape though.

I cannot leave home. I cannot escape. Im not being dramatic.

I

CANT

LEAVE

And its terrifying because I know without medication or at least being somewhere AWAY from family.... I feel like im going to break soon.

I dont want to do anything stupid.. But some days I cant think straight and do things that harm myself and its not good. Its not okay. Im aware that I need help but I have no idea where to go/turn.. I have no ID or drivers liscence.. I have no transportation to and from a job to get money so I can leave... I live in the middle of nowhere.... I just..

I dont want to lose touch. I dont want to do anything bad.. I want to be functional.. I want to do more than eat and sleep my life away because I have nothing else to do..

Im so damn sick and tired of this all.. And at times I really do feel like there is only one way out.

Its always there and I just feel like one of these days im gonna be pushed over the edge and not be thinking clearly enough to stop it.

Im thinking semi clearly right now which is my im posting this.. Because im afraid and alone.

I have nowhere to go irl I have no friends Irl i just have tumblr and media and thats it. I dont expect anyone to be able to help I just wanted to write this so anyone knows what happens if I leave media..

If I tell my family my issues they will blow me off again for the 11th time or so (not exaggerated)

And if I do something to get sent to the hospital and get the help I need the cycle will continue with them being pissed and me getting sent home in a month or less anly for my family relationships to get worse..

Im spiraling fuether and further and I cant keep up the facade of being fine. I need help. And i have no way to get it. Ive just been suffering for years...

Sitting around and doing nothing but using your phone or drawing or whatever sound fun in theory... But if thats all youve been able to do for years with little to no real life social contact its gonna mess with your head... I dont want to be a shut in... I just

I dont know what to do.

Im sorry for rambling. I will most likely delete this later feeling embarrassed I posted this...

Im just tired..

[maddiphicent]

I saw this and I love it so much I decided to participate. Right now imma be using my favorite para, but I'll probably change it. I kinda googled some questions so i could start this easier, but let's go!

Paramay Day one-Intro

1. What is your paras full name?

Lea Marie Ogden/Blomish/Sadler depending on what part of her life you are referring too.

2. How did your para's parents decide on their name?

Lea Marie's dad left before she was born and her mom hated Lea Marie since she was pregnant so she never even picked out a name for the "little parasite." When she was born, her mom spat at the nurse telling her to pick out a name. The nurse chose Lea Marie, after her aunt who just passed.

3. How tall are they?

5'3"

4. What do they look like?

She's of Japanese/Greek decent with dark black hair till shes 17 (and had to kill her brother out of self defense) and her hair turns gray from the trauma of it. Her eyes are deep blue.

5. What is their birthday (month, date, and year)?

February 29th, 1992. Her mom used to tell Lea Marie she was born on a leap year so she could have "less birthdays" then everyone else because no one should be celebrating her birth. After being adopted, her step mom celebrated her birthday on non-leap years on both February 28th and March 1st because it was extra special and needed to be celebrated for 2 whole days!

6. Where were they born?

New Jersey, 25 minute train ride from NYC. I never settled on a town because I dont know much about geography anyway but also because Lea Marie grew up in a town with a lot of gang violence going on. It's the main reason her teachers never cared about her obvious abuse in her house. Everyone showed up with bruises and scars.

7. Where were their grandparents’ born?

Japan! They came over from Japan in the 1940s and changed their last names to a more english sounding one in order to hopefully find a job easier.

8. Where do they live now?

NYC. Lea Marie and her husband Jared are broadway actors.

9. Do they have any medical problems, diseases, injuries?

Because her mom smoked/drank while pregnant, the muscles in Lea Marie's legs and lower back never full formed. As a result she can't walk without assistance. She uses crutches and a wheelchair to get by (depending). She prefers her crutches but a wheelchair is easier in most situations. In the winter she almost exclusively has to use a wheelchair because of how much her legs and back hurts. When she was a kid/teenager it didnt bother her as much but in her adult life it really messes with her.

10. What religion are they, and why?

I guess pagan? Her dad is literally Hermes so she kinda has to believe in the greek gods, but with how much shit her stepbrother and her gave gone through as a result of them she sure as hell doesnt worship them.

11. What kind of house/apartment do they live in?

As a kid, she lived with her grandparents till she was 4. Imagine the most basic of suburban white family homes and that's where she lived. After she lived with her mom in a tiny, very shitty 1 bedroom/1 bathroom home. Lea Marie's "room" was the laundry room where a washer and dryer never even existed because she was too poor. Her bed was a beanbag chair and 2 pillows. After being adopted she moves into her stepparents 3 bedroom/2 bath apartment in NYC where she sleeps in a bed for the very first time in her life.

Now she lives in a one story house, 2 bedroom house in nyc (which I don't think exist but it's my paracosm and I will do whatever the hell I want!). The one bedroom is a regular bedroom while the other is a recording studios for her and her husband to record (mostly covers) in but Lea Marie also writes her own songs and music.

12. Do they have any pets?

Jared is deathly allergic to every animal, so no. But Lea Marie still loves all animals and would love to own a dog, but knows she cant.

13. Are you married? If so, what is your spouse’s name?

As previously mentioned, she is to her husband Jared Sadler (he goes by his middle name but I never actually came up with a first name for him). They've been best friends since they were 8 years old and started dating when they were 16, got married when they were 24. They started dating after they were the lead roles in Legally Blonde for their theater company so I kinda have to add (very cheesily) "if there ever was a perfect couple this one quailfies" because they've never fought once and both are so understanding and patient with each other.

14. What kind of car do they drive?

Lea Marie doesn't drive mostly because shes too scared to do so but also...she lives in NYC so theres no actual point.

15. What was their first job?

She played guitar in Book of Mormon. When people ask what her first show was never never knows if that counts or not. She did that for a year before going on to play Bazzard.

16. What is their dream job?

To play Elphaba in Wicked! She had seen the show 237 times prior to getting the role (because yes she gets the role. She deserves it). Her husband got the role of firero at the same time.

17. What are other facts/stories about them?

Lea Marie's first language was Japanese (which she learned from her grandparents) then sign language (which she learned from Jared's brother in daycare when she was 3), then english (which she became fluent when she was around 8 in because she was in the same class as Jared's brother and often watched the interrupter), and after being claimed by Hermes at camp half blood she was given the gift of tongues (which isnt a thing in the books but it makes sense since Hermes is the god of travel) so she can speak any language that's not Latin.

She had selective mutism until she was 18. She only spoke to people who she actually thought would listen and value her opinion. The most people she talked to at one time was 20. This is because her mom silenced her and didn't allow her to make any noise at home. If she did she would either be hit or locked in her room for days on end. After extensive therapy, she finally started talking to everyone. However she still barely talks as is unless she has to talk. At home she uses mostly sign language to Jared (even though he makes her comfortable to talk). But if you ever get her drunk, she will not stop talking! She will tell you every story ever when she's drunk. Jared loves it because he loves her so much and loves when shes comfortable enough to talk. The only other time she talks more than usual is if shes in a really good mood.

She is adept at pick pocketing and only has been caught once when she was 8 when she stole a $10k watch off a very important, very terrible business man in NYC. She panicked when caught and threw it down a drain. They gave her a choice to go to jail (cause the guy was a terrible person) or join the theater company in her hometown that was created because of all the gang violence to give kids something to do after school (very aware this is not how things work but it's my paracosm). She joined the theater and learned to play the guitar at first just trying not to be seen until Jared begged her to audition. After reminding him she like talking, Jared told her "but it's not you talking! It's the character! You're someone completely different up there. Everyone want to hear what you say!" Lea Marie loved this idea and so she did audition and got the part of little red riding hood in into the woods. She loved plays ever sense because she loved being someone shes not.

Her favorite movie is legally blonde and it was also the only lead role she got in said theater company.

She learned how to do guitar solos on an acoustic guitar when her mom wasnt home because someone told her disabled people cant play the guitar and she wanted to prove them wrong. (She played the electric at the theater).

Her mom works as a manager of the only gas station in town.

She was kicked out of a total of 4 schools. Once when she was 8 for starting a fight, once when she was 10 for finishing a fight, once when she was 14 because she was caught having sex in a janitors closest, and once when she was 15 because she was caught having sex in the boys bathroom. The first 3 were in new jersy in her home town while the last one was in NYC since no school in New Jersey wanted her. Her mom was pissed she had to pick her up so often and when she was kicked out her mom was threatening to kill her. She was so scared she got out of the car and "ran" to her best friends apartment (where she spent most of her time anyway and was pretty much their daughter). Her best friends mom and step dad adopted her a week later (not how things work but in my paracosm because demigods are so dangerous they have a law specifically for them to not be placed in foster care if avoided so as not to cause more trouble).

I think I just dumped a lot but I still might add onto this later. This is so fun and I'm glad this is a thing! I cant wait to read about your paras!

[moth111]

Acephobes “agenda” rant//Acephobia is REAL *Trigger Warning!! Mental health;Rape; Acephobia*

Literally no one is forcing their fucking asexual “agenda” on anyone. If anything YOU GUYS are forcing YOUR agenda on US!! You dumb fucks tag your hateful shit as “asexuality” for the sole purpose to get ace people can see it. You guy’s also go to ace tags YOURSELVES and look at OUR ace-positive was shit just to hate on us. I see people go into asexual positive accounts and send hateful messages All. The. Damn. Time!! You acephobes act so big and bad but then go into peoples ask box ANONYMOUSLY to hate on them like that’s the most pathetic thing ever.

From bullying,to telling us to die and to kill ourselves, to just straight up death and rape threats. But as soon as we get fed up with you guys hurting us 24/7 and fight back WE’RE the wrong ones and “forcing our agenda”??? It doesn’t work like that at all. You guys cant just expect us to sit there quietly and let you guys fuck with us all the time.

And you guys are hypocrites cause if it was happening to any other community EVERYONE would lose their fucking shit and y’all know it, but since we’re asexuals we suddenly don’t matter. Like we aren’t capable of getting hurt because you guys see us as plants or robots. You guys say “we dont face anything” but thats so damn false like i WISH that was true. You guys are LITERALLY doing the shit to us that you guys claim “doesnt happen”

Like.. Acephobia fucked up my mental health so much that i wanted to literally die when i first found out i was asexual when i was about 14/15 years old because everyone made it seem like i was broken and had some mental illness. That i was less of a human-being and that I don’t have a purpose here on earth just because I don’t experience sexual attraction cause apparently sex is what humans are made to do according to many of you. My literal ex-girlfriend broke up with me because she thought since I didn’t experience sexual attraction there was no point for her to be with me. My ex-boyfriend would feel like i I didn’t love him because i wasn’t comfortable with showing physical affection and would make me feel guilty for it. Asexuality made Relationships literally so hard for me. I can’t even talk to my friends about it cause they don’t get it and probably dont see it as a big deal. My asexuality made me feel 500x lonelier than I’ve ever felt in my entire life and it makes me feel like I’m drowning while everyone else doesnt see or doesn’t seem to care and i know that lots of other asexual feel the same way. And if you’re thinking “boo hoo being lonely isnt even a real problem” I’ll have you know that 1. You’re wrong and ignorant 2. loneliness is just as lethal as smoking 15 cigarettes PER DAY! So there for, those who are lonely are 50% more likely to die from a premature death than those who aren’t suffering from loneliness. Loneliness can also be detrimental to someones mental AND physical heath, causing depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, it increases stress, early death as i mentioned before, increases inflammation in the body which can contribute to the risk of getting heart disease, it can cause alzheimers disease, and again, like i said before, in some cases loneliness can cause people to literally DIE. Get that through your heads. Literally it got so bad that now anything sex related gives me horrible anxiety and panic attacks so i can barely enjoy things that other people enjoy like movies, TV shows, books, and social media in general.

Those who say “asexuals face nothing and that they aren’t oppressed” are wrong need to read this. Plus why do you guys ask “show me an example of Acephobia and how asexuals are oppressed” but when someone does you guys completely ignore it and resort to making fun of us like a child?? But anyways, here is literal proof that asexuality is real, that we experience a form of oppression AND some history of asexuality for all you ignorant fucks or for those who are actually curious and want to be educated on this topic:

But i know you acephobes probably won’t read it cause you guys have your heads to far up your dumbasses. So here’s more examples of acephobia:

And people will read this and tell us to “get over it”. Do you guys really think that this shit isnt hurtful?? Do you guys really think that this stuff wouldn’t hurt someones mental health and make them feel like shit?? Do you guys REALLY think that if someone who is young and is just figuring out that they’re asexual wouldn’t feel horrible if they stumbled across some shit like this? But alright, lets say we took out the word “asexual” from all of all those people’s comments and replaced it with something else like “gay” or “lesbian” or “transgender” or “bisexual” etc, i KNOW You guys would be all over this saying how wrong and hurtful it is. (Which it would be dont get me wrong) So you guys KNOW that comments like these hurt because you’ve experienced it but you guys have the nerve to do the exact same thing to us to DELIBERATELY hurt us. You guys know EXACTLY what you’re doing and refuse to admit that what you’re doing makes you NO BETTER than the people you claim to dispise for doing the exact same thing to you. Its hypocrisy and literally no one likes a hypocrite.

And you guys say “but they’re killed, raped, and kicked out of their house” which yes i know that, but what you guys don’t like to talk about is that asexuals experience corrective rape all the time even by their own partners and friends and they also get abused in relationships a lot since it doesn’t fit your bigoted “argument”. When someone brings up those issues there’s silence. Just because YOU may think that what we face it not as “bad” as what others may face, does not mean it’s not a problem and that it’s not worth talking about. Infact, it is VERY worth talking about so we bring awareness and educate others like you guys do with other topics.

So YES!! Acephobia does infact exist and if you think that it doesn’t exist while hating on asexuals at the same time, you’re a prime example of it.

💕💕Anyways, if you are Ace, you are very VERY valid and you don’t deserve any hate that is directed to you. You deserve happiness and don’t let some assholes online get in the way of your happines (trust me, i had to learn the hard way)💕💕

[krpk-remaking]

Dr Sex Epic Character - maxx @maxxeruz

Leorio Paladinight is easily one of the most underrated hxh characters, both within the fandom, merch and the manga itself, because he really is the most normal out of the main four and i really think he should be appreciated more because hes a great character!

Once again, shoutout to Mags @senritsus for helping with this! Go follow him!!

Im gonna be talking about Leorios Character, where his arc will go, and his connection with Kurapika. This is gonna be a little harder than writing Kurapika meta, since theres (sadly) a lot less Leorio content and we know a lot less about his background but ill try my best! Leorio deserves it.

Reading my Kurapika meta might make this a little more enjoyable, since i touched on Leorios and Kurapikas relationship more in depth there but you can read this post without reading it!

1 . Leorios Personality And His Past

When we first meet Leorio, hes introduced as a stupid, greedy and quick to anger Pervert, not an uncommon trope for a comedic relief character in anime. Those comedic relief characters often lack personality beyond that, a fact that is actually commented on by Kurapika.

But thanks to Kurapika, about seven chapters in, we learn more about Leorio and his motivations and as the manga goes on, it becomes obvious that there is way more to Leorio than just someone whos there for comedic relief.

Leorio grew up in (presumably extreme) poverty, loosing a friend due to their lack of money, motivating him to want to become a doctor whos able to help people for free.

"I'm a simple guy. Figured I'd become a doctor... so I could cure some kid with the same disease, tell his parents they owed me nothing! Me... A doctor! Now there's a joke!! Do you know how much it costs to even try to become a doctor? The mind boggles!! It's always about money! Always!! That's why I want it!"

Knowing this, Leorios character already gains a lot of depth. Sadly, the manga doesnt mention when exactly his friend died but the 2011 Anime follows the manga more closely so ill go with the fact that his friend died when they were younger. Most of Leorios actions can be explained with the guilt he feels over the death of his friend, how useless he often feels and the way his upbringing in poverty affected him, for example at the very beginning, the fight he picks with Kurapika stems from the fact that Kurapika didnt respect him and was acting as if he was better than him.

Leorio absolutely hates feeling like hes at a disadvantage, or like someone is looking down on him, probably due to getting little respect during his childhood due to his poverty. This also just might be the reason for him to constantly dress in a suit, something that rich, important people often wear. He often overplays his pride, puts up a facade and the way he presents himself really just screams overcompensation in so many ways

Here, he gets upset at Killua because he feels disadvantaged once again. This feeling of inferiority is often the reason for the fights Leorio has with Kurapika and in this instance Killua, he absolutely hates being looked down on. The Other reason he fights with someone early on is, because they dont value life in his eyes, for example the old woman who was asking them to choose between two human lives, toying with them per say, and not valuing them.

Leorio values human life, especially those of his friends over everything else and has a strong sense of Morality, since he did acknowledge he was in the wrong and apologized to the old lady.

When Hisoka was playing with the lives of the others during the hunter exam, as well as Leorios and his friends, Leorio got upset once again and, knowing just how powerful Hisoka was attacked him anyways with no regard for his safety.

He mentions “being toyed with” twice, something people do with people they look down on/are stronger than, where Leorios hate of feeling inferior once again comes back to show.

But, While Leorio absolutely hates being regarded worse than everyone, he also dislikes being viewed as someone whos better than everyone and gets very embarassed everytime someone compliments him/shows him positive attention. This is either due to the fact that he isnt used to it, or that he doesnt think he deserves it (note how hes always drawn with an embarassed blush).

Leorio is a very selfless man, whos ready to do everything in his power to help his friends because he doesnt want to ever lose another friend again. During the election arc, he focuses his entire speech around wanting to help Gon and uses his power to call for everyone to try and help Gon,

when Illumi manipulates Killua into killing during the hunter exam arc, Leorio is ready to give up his hunter licence for Killua,

And, being well aware of what Illumi was capable of, refused to let him through the door to protect Gon.

reassured Killua, showing his intense care for his friends (and little kids since Killua had actually not even been that nice to him),

When Killua had to fight against the serial killer, before they knew about his real strength, Leorio assured him that he wouldnt have to fight,

he willingly risked his life and let hundreds of snakes bite him just to warn Kurapika and Gon and to assure their chances of success, and before that tried to disband their team so they could still advance if he failed,

and, without any fear, they couldve sense that, stared down and yelled at the phantom troupe.

Leorio hates feeling useless and despite that, often does. He felt useless when his friend died and thus decided to become a doctor to cope with this guilt, he felt useless when Gon was sick, like his friend, and he couldnt do anything once again and he feels useless when Kurapika wont let him help him and wont let him reach out but despite that he keeps trying, to fight his guilt, to make sure that Kurapika is safe and to do his best to help.

He describes studying to become a doctor as something he does for himself, he doesnt see that notion, becoming a doctor to help people for free, as something selfless that should be admired.

He doesnt see becoming a doctor as something that he should brag with or that people should know. When he first meets Gon and Kurapika he puts up the front of wanting money to buy cars, mansions, wine, etc, all things one usually would want with money, when he really wanted the money to study so he could help people. Leorio thinks hes useless and good for nothing while everyone else fights and he just “selfishly” studies, but hes not useless at all and obviously studying to become a doctor to help the poor isnt something thats selfish at all. Maybe his motivations, to deal with his guilt over losing a friend, are a little selfish but the fact that he even blames himself and that he copes by trying to protect and value life wherever he can show that Leorio himself isnt a selfish person, hes someone whos ready to put his life on the line for his friends and others any day, despite being less reckless than the other three.

He sees Kurapikas quest for revenge as something noble, while he thinks very little of himself. Even during the election arc, after he had come into second and third place multiple times he was still convinced, somehow, that no one was gonna vote for him.

Even Ging a very experienced and talented hunter, though he is a terrible person, thinks highly of Leorio,

even copying the punch he threw at him, which Leorio, as Ging theorizes, mightve developed to get rid of tumors that are unreachable with operation, showing just how smart Leorio really is.

Leorio is someone whos been alone a lot and, while hes the least reckless and best at selfcare out of all four protagonists, had little regard for himself in especially the first arc, where he just kept jumping into dangerous situation. An explanation for that could be, that he had no one to care about and no one that cared about him before he went to take the hunter exam since weve never actually heard about any family he had or has. He could possibly be an orphan, explaining the missing mention of any family and the extreme attachment he has to Gon, Killua and Kurapika.

Him being orphaned would also perfectly fit into hunter x hunters theme of finding new family after losing another, Kurapika losing his entire clan, Gon losing his father, Killua losing his entire family except Alluka since his family is terrible and as good as dead to him and Leorio just never having really had one. So, the reason he becomes a little more responsible in arcs after the hunter exam is probably, that he finally had people to care about again, that also cared about him so now he doesnt feel like no one would miss him if he died anymore.

In short, Leorio, while being extremely selfless, caring, fearless, moral and empathic, thinks very little of himself and often feels useless and selfish. He cares most about the well being of his friends and has deep rooted feelings of guilt about the death of his friend, even though it was out of his control and he doesnt believe that his goal to be a doctor or really just he himself is deserving of any praise.

His wish to be a doctor is a mix of that extreme internalized guilt from “letting” his friend die, his selflessness that just got pushed up by the guilt and the empathy he gained by growing up in poverty and the first hand experience on why exactly free healthcare is needed.

2. Leorios Relationship With Kurapika, His Guilt, And How His Arc Could End

I wont go in depth about them here, since i already have one that multiple times but they truly are so, so important to eachother and are in many ways two sides of the same coin. Both of them have lost people close to them and theyve dealt with it in such different ways. It made Leorio want to protect life and heal people, focusing his nen around helping others (see: the punch he used being something he actually developed to deal with tumors) and it made Kurapika want to destroy life and kill people, taking revenge and destroying himself in the process, mirrored within his nen ability too (as it literally kills him to use emperor time, one hour of his life for every second). So this set-up, combined with the guilt Leorio feels over not being able to help his friend or Gon, combined with how important they are to eachother, combined with how the current arc has the both together on that boat, I feel like it would really make sense for Leorio to finally be able to save someone, furthering his character arc in a very satisfying way and also helping Kurapikas arc, letting him accept help from others and becoming less self destructive.

“Leorio is an unabashedly selfless character who very deliberately centered his life around helping others and the thought that he cant do that with Kurapika is definitely something he tries to take blame for.” (directly quoted from mags @senritsus <3) If something were to happen to Kurapika while Leorio is near and on top of that on doctor duty, where helping people is his only job, i couldnt imagine the guilt Leorio would feel. Hes always been looking out for Kurapika since they became close friends (and maybe the nearest thing to a best friend either had had in years) during the hunter exam and Kurapika did always try to be someone who calmed Leorio and helped him be more rational, though that changed when he began his down spiral after killing his first person and they drifted further apart and Leorio took on the job of calming down Kurapika.

Kurapika calming Leorio VS

Leorio calming Kurapika

Kurapika is in desperate need of saving and having Leorio be that person to save him would be so perfect for both of their arcs.

This arc already set up the tension in their relationship at the very beginning, or atleast before the succession war began and i do believe it has to be resolved (relatively) soon, especially because of this (once again my favorite) panel, showing Leorio as one of the four people Kurapika cares most about.

And, to quote my Kurapika meta post about this panel, Hes thinking about moments where they made him happy/made him care about them, Gon and Killua with their food fight in the park where they cheered him up and Leorio on the phone. Its him calling to check up on Kurapika. Kurapika really did appreciate it so much, even if he doesnt show it, even if he keeps pushing Leorio away. And he does care about them, even if he doesnt want to! The way Leorio expresses care for his friends, which is very vocal and direct, is so good for Kurapika because even if he still cant really believe or accept it, its still something he appreciates, somehow. I am not (!) saying that they will definitely end up with eachother but they are definitely incredibly important to the others character development and i dont think Togashi will forget about that.

If youve read all this, thank you so so much i really appreciate it! Leorio is an incredible Character that deserves more love and i hope everything i wrote here is coherrent!! If i made any mistakes or if you just have any thoughts youd like to share on this topic please send me an ask! <3

[ssj4]

Sorry to bother you, but I keep seeing posts about a future Goten AU and I keep getting really curious! However, when I try to find links to anything about it I end up at some abandoned URLs.

SECOND TIME TRYING TO ANSWER THIS CAUSE MY IDIOT ASS FORGOT I HAD ONE TYPED OUT AND CLOSED EVERYTHING :)

some disclaimers im getting most of this from an old draft i had written about the au, i havent watched the specific scenes in dbz and dbs that these are based on in well over 2+ years so i dont remember the timeline of events that well so im sorry if some of it just straight up doesnt make sense lol

this whole thing did start out as an excuse to replace the romantic scenes with mai in dbs with goten actually so the truten themes are pretty significant but that aside future goten is a very good boy with a much different personality and outlook on things… much like how future trunks is compared to his main timeline counterpart :3c the whole thing was developed by me and my gf together and we never rly posted too much about it and the broken links you did end up finding were probably from like the one or two times we did but here u go im glad u asked 

I HOPE THE READ MORE LINK WORKS ON MOBILE IF NOT IM SORRY

the big change is it starts out with chi chi getting pregnant before goku dies of heart disease or whatever in the android saga instead of the cell saga, so even after he dies in that timeline she still has their 2nd son and he grows up in the future timeline with trunks.

when they were kids (like 10-15) goten was stronger than trunks just bc gohan and chi chi were there to teach him just a little bit. trunks and goten sparred a lot though so he was able to keep up but never really passed him. (that part isnt really important but i figured it was a nice detail that made sense)

thats when history of trunks comes into play, and they both get really serious about gohan training them. the scene in the movie where gohan knocks trunks out before flying off and getting killed is the same except now he just knocks out 2 kids instead of 1 i guess. 

i feel i gotta add that this au was created when the future trunks arc in dbs was airing, and mai was introduced as his love interest, and honestly in my opinion the scenes were written really well but i just wasnt digging the fact that before she was granted a younger appearance she was already middle aged, like she was old enough to be his mom if that makes sense. so it really isnt a dig on mai at all cause i love her and id die for her its just the romantic plot that i didnt like. so when that was airing i thought “WELL what if that was someone else” 

she’s still with them though in this timeline and she still has her younger appearance! 

the future timeline is still progressing the same as it did in canon, the androids still wrecked the place and no one was strong enough to do much about it so trunks is still set up with a time machine to meet with the other timeline. goten stays back and does his best to protect everyone while hes gone just in case

some stuff happens in between here but skip ahead to trunks coming back from the trip after the cell games i guess! lots of stuff happened obviously like trunks literally dying, spending years in the time chamber with his dad, meeting a whole gaggle of clowns that he’d only heard stories about, seeing gohan as a preteen. hes got a lot of stuff to share!!! now hes back and he can take care of the androids + cell + and goten can catch up and lifes pretty good over there! 😇

during the rebuilding period goten would spend a lot of time with chi-chi and ox-king and still slept over there occasionally which she really appreciated, and he invited trunks and bulma over there with him frequently.

despite this he wasnt present when she died as no one really expected goku black to wipe out the landscape so far from the city, but she and ox-king died along with more than half of the population. (ugh god im so sorry queen i love you😓)

as i said before mai is still here and she’s still the leader of the resistance!

events of future bulmas death is the same as well as mai originally intending to go with trunks when they meet up together in an abandoned building. goten is already there as the three of them rest up a bit and start making their way to capsule corp. goten was planning on staying behind anyways but he wanted to see the two of them off. when goku black interrupts them as they arrive, trunks and goten encourage mai to escape, seeing as she only has a gun and everyone already knows bullets arent gonna work. 

this scene is the same as it was in canon, where trunks tries to rush black but gets beaten quickly. mai trying to buy him time to let him escape is replaced with goten actually fighting him and taking a hit for trunks but getting knocked out as mai did. trunks under extreme stress from already losing his mom today assumes hes dead instantly, (he has dumb bitch disease, he didnt even check for a pulse in canon!🤔) and fires a masenko to escape into capsule on his own 

after trunks pops back in time and black is focused on searching for him, mai sneaks back in to retrieve goten (even though they told her to leave she really just ducked behind some rubble and stayed close, because she wasnt just gonna leave them!)

she takes him back to an underground bunker with other members of earths resistance and when he wakes up she tells him that trunks made it to the time machine and that hes presumably in the other timeline now. 

idk if yall remember it well but i rewatched some of the episodes just for this, and trunks in the main timeline believing goten was killed and mai is alone and he wont be able to get back is so sad. and when he spent that day with gohan and his family and cried thinking about how if black hadn’t have shown up, he couldve had a family too… he doesnt deserve to be this sad 😥

skip to when he’s finally able to get back home with goku and vegeta with him and they make their way to the bunker where he sees mai and goten together! the scene in canon where he rushes over and starts spilling his heart out is the same, with him telling goten he thought he died

they get a really sweet hug moment here when theyre both happy to see the other is still safe and it gives both goku and vegeta some Food For Thought, because goku actually didnt know there was a goten in this timeline, and he doesnt really recognize him at first. vegeta has the idea in his head that this is probably goten.

goten never really had any sort of real attachment to his dad. it makes sense hes never met him, hes only ever really heard about him through others, (his mom, his brother, trunks, and probably bulma has mentioned him as well) so he definitely knows OF him its just that, he doesnt know him. so when he sees the real goku standing there for once a lot of thoughts run though his mind, like, “that looks A LOT like goku black!” “thats definitely my old hairstyle” and “holy shit is that my dad?” but the first thing he actually says out loud is “Holy shit its goku orange” and vegeta really almost loses it because cause any doubt in his mind about this kid being related to kakarot just went right out the window cause only someone related to him would say that

and as you probably know a lot happens after that with them all finding a way to defeat zamasu but i dont want to include all of the rest when you can probably just interpret which scenes were changed  

ANYWAYS now instead of trunks surviving the apocalypse its trunks and goten surviving the apocalypse. thats why its not a really super romantic deal like Who has time for dates when goku black Might possibly be hiding in this abandoned olive garden?? so theyre just very close and privately affectionate

the ending where trunks and mai get to live in a new world with their counterparts is the same except gotens there with them of course, dbs left their ending pretty open 

so that takes care of the story changes, heres some additional details and information on gotens character in this au! 

heres his design, drawn by my girlfriend @ssj2 uwu !! 

he kept his natural hairstyle for a while, but i think he changed it sometime during the rebuilding period after the androids and just let it grow out a bunch. up until then he kept his natural style purely to honor the guy he’s heard so fondly of even if it brought him a lot of mixed feelings when people said he looks just like him. a really distinct feature about his new hairstyle is that the spikes look like horns and i love that a lot !!

and the shawl he wears was the same one chi chi wore 

some personality traits for future goten is that he has a habit of bottling up his negative emotions and has trouble taking care of himself, as hes always more focused on the well being of his loved ones. he can be mischievous and cocky but hes not overconfident (or he hasnt been since gohans death) however in some situations he can be charismatic and assertive which works really well imowhen their timeline is erased and theyre temporarily in the main timeline, goten gets to meet a bunch of people like gohan and his family, chi chi, and even his counterpart 

sorry if this post was messy i wasnt really sure how i wanted to make it look and im kinda bad at dumping information out so if any of its confusing just redirect me to it and ill try again gdjfksjdgsfk 😭❤

hmmm anyways thank u for reading!! its an au we made years ago and we love a lot and i hope u do too! be nice pls!! and send asks about it if you’d like cause its fun to think about!