#ace inclusion

[fixing-bad-posts]

[Image description: The words, "AROS & ACES belong in OUR SPACES," coloured using the colours of the aromantic pride flag, asexual pride flag, and the 9-stripe Gilbert Baker pride flag. The text is overlaid on a blurry image of lavender flowers.]

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i was inspired to make a text graphic based on one of my first and most popular posts

[animarret]

Ranting about aroace exclusionists a bit: tl:dr my issue is not even the exclusion at this point, it's the lack of respect for ace and/or aro experiences and identity.

Saw one of those whole "should aces belong in queer spaces" debates making the rounds and it got me thinking about some exclu points like. Notably one I kept seeing was along the lines of not feeling safe in queer spaces with "straight" people and like. Okay. We have different ideas of queerness but I sympathize with the sentiment even if I disagree. But it got me thinking about how, if a space is mostly exclusionist towards aces and aros... why would we (aces and/or aros) be there anyway?

Like, I as a queer person (nonbinary and romantically ??? Something not straight) and also as an ace, I know I wouldn't be comfortable in a space like that, even if my more acceptably queer identities were fine there. Because in my experience exclus, kind or not, aren't understanding enough of ace experiences to where I could see that part of me being accepted enough to be open about it.

If any exclus read this for whatever reason: are you as normal about aces and aros as you think? Do you *actually listen* to us? Bc most I've encountered 1) don't have pretty basic definitions of identities on those spectrums correct (aromantic is never mentioned? Gray or demi labels? Hell half the time the definition of ace is wrong), and by extension downplay and dismiss ace and aro experiences. Not even just about like, people being bullied or the more oppressive experiences like that. But like, do you realize that being ace and/or aro can just affect everyday shit?? Shows and movies I like and why are affected by this. The way I practice my religion is affected by my aceness. It is, in fact, an important part of me that is reflected in everything I do. And AVEN is a website, guys. Cmon.

My point is, why would I waste time in a space where the people (no matter how many times you say "aces are valid!!! Just not lgbt") consistently show a complete lack of care or willingness to actually learn about or understand mine and other's experiences? Why would I feel comfortable or safe, even, being in a group that not only doesn't understand asexuality, but isn't willing to try (as friends, comrades, community, etc) to understand me, as an asexual person?

I'm not invading exclu lgbt spaces because I have better friends and allies than that. I have better places to be.

And if you're exclusionist and me asking/saying these things bothers you, maybe make a better effort to be allies to aces and aros. Because for all your talk about us and your valid posts I don't see you making an effort for us. Do better!! Prove me wrong!! Make me eat my angry words!! Want us out? Support ace and aro spaces then! Get our fucking words right! Listen to us!

[agriftatsea]

I'd rather burn with the witches than hold a torch against the innocents

[thedescribingwriter]

StoryTime: How I found out I was Aromantic along with being Asexual.

So, I was in a relationship with a long time friend of mine. When we started dating, I already knew at that point that I was Asexual (not Aromantic, maybe a story for another time). So, when this "friend" of mine confessed, I agreed. I had various "crushes" throughout my life, and so I was sure that I could feel romantic attraction.

Fast forward a few months, we hadn't seen each other for a few months due to lockdown. Cool. We were chatting over text, video calls, voice messages, all that jazz. One thing that I had noticed though, was that he had started writing explicit texts sometimes. At first I ignored them, and when it didn't stop, I made sure to come out to him repeatedly, emphasizing the fact that I was, in fact, a sex-repulsed Ace.

The texts reduced, but never fully stopped. Eventually, I started to go along with it, thinking that if I didn't, then it would be the end of our relationship. So a few more months into this, he starts saying "stuff" over the phone, obviously expecting a reply. He dubbed those conversations between us my "awkward silences", because that is what they were. Awkward silences because I didn't know what to say.

Sometimes, I even replied. Tried saying things that made me uncomfortable to keep the relationship going. This kept going for a while. His explicit messages and conversations kept increasing and I kept either ignoring them or forcing myself to answer in a similar manner. (Still thought I liked him then.)

One day, after about 2 years of our "relationship", I was talking to a friend who was in a relationship. She and another boy in my class were a cute couple. I was teasing her about how I saw "literal flowers bloom" around them whenever they were together. She asked me about my boyfriend which I, without realising, answered with a disgusted face and told her about.

When I mentioned that I hadn't seen him in over 2 years, she looked shocked and said that she would never be able to do it. I, in a moment of vulnerability and frustration, complained about how I thought this whole "romantic relationship" thing was overrated. I said that I could understand why it was so hard for allos but for me, someone not interested in romance, it was kind of a relief that I don't meet him. (Realisation 1) The other person, bless them, comforted me and supported me (because I had accidentally come out to her.) She promised me she wouldn't tell anyone else and hasn't to this day.

Later in the day, I was talking to my best friend when we started chatting about how I didn't like romance. My friend, who had caught into what it might mean, started questioning me. Showed me videos, searched the net with me, and asked me questions. She told me repeatedly that I probably was Aromantic, but I ignored her.

That night, I didn't sleep. I kept thinking of what I wanted from this "relationship" of mine and if I was even happy and comfortable. I just couldn't imagine myself doing anything romantic with my boyfriend or anyone else.

My boyfriend and I finally went on a date, after things started opening up. All day, I was uncomfortable, with his advances, and my constant thought that I was not Aromantic.

When I did come to terms with the fact that I was Aromantic, I started searching for if there were exceptions to this. If I could still like someone. I was in denial of the fact that I could have a "made-up" romantic love for my boyfriend. (I had enjoyed us being together when we were friends so it didn't make sense to me.)

To make a long story short, it took nights of crying, days of guilt, and finally my best friend talking to me for three hours, to make me face the fact I am Aromantic. Aroace to be exact, with absolutely no interest in any romantic or sexual relationships. It then took three more weeks for me to break up with my boyfriend, and we are still not on speaking terms. The guilt that I basically lead him on for two years still eats away at me.

Conclusion: If my surroundings had not been so romance and sex focused, with more awareness and support towards Aromantism and Asexuality, then I could have saved my ex-boyfriend (now probably ex-friend too) a lot of hurt, and saved myself two years of my life that I spent trying to deny my orientation and all the discomfort and pain that came with it. The media needs more representation for Asexual and Aromantic people, whether someone is one or the other, or both.

My ex-boyfriend and I are still not on speaking terms right now, and I fear I have lost a great friend for good. I never blamed him for not understanding my discomfort either because I didn't understand it myself. The only thing I would blame him for is the fact that he did not back off when I said no (though he never did anything physically without my consent).

What I want to say is, don't feel like you have to pretend to be in a successful relationship, because that won't be a "relationship" at all. Be who you are, whether Aromantic or Asexual, or both. I personally know many people who would pretend like I did and waste their lives away.

I understand. I do. And that is why, I will say, that you need to accept who you are. If you don't feel like hugging someone (I am touch averse as well) then don't. If you don't want to have explicit conversations then don't. If you want to watch Netflix in nothing but comfy clothes while stuffing yourself with garlic bread and cake, do it! Want to hug and kiss people platonically? Do it!

Don't let lack of representation and others' unnecessary opinions make you repress your true self. I will forever be grateful for my friend who saw through my denial, and sorry to my ex-boyfriend who I am sure I hurt more than once.

If this helps even a single person, it will have been worth sharing <3 Proud of and love all of you LGBTQIA+ folks.

Happy pride month!🌈 💜💜💜🖤🖤🖤🌈

[sprnklersplashes]

It is forever amusing and baffling to me when ace exclusionists complain about TERFs only to then use TERF rhetoric against aces and aros. Including, but not limited to:

“aces/aros aren’t LGBT because they don’t have our sacred shared experiences”

“why don’t they just make their own community and leave us alone?”

*weird comment about autistic people that implies autistic people can’t think for themselves*

“Just Let Kids Be Kids”

“The transes aroaces are tricking kids into thinking they’re trans aroace when in reality they’re gay/lesbian, and I know this for certain even though I have never met this hypothetical child.”

“you being proud of and happy with your identity is an attack on me, personally, and by extension my entire community”

“your identity is homophobic, no I won’t explain how”

“This movement is actually mostly straight people trying to push their way into gay spaces” “-that’s actually not true and didn’t you just say that aces are just manipulated gays?” “How dare you apply logic to my assholery.”

For the record, I do think TERFs are worse than ace exclusionists in that they are influencing policy and lawmaking, but how many similarities do you have to have before you realise?

[arcticflowerz]

Fluffy Ace

A term for when you are on the ace spectrum and are also fat/chubby/fluffy.

(I like to use “fluffy” as a cute way to say fat/chubby, I usually say it while describing myself)

This term is meant to create pride and to help normalize being fat/chubby because no one should have to feel ashamed of their weight/size.

Coined by: @arcticflowerz

Do NOT call someone a fluffy ace unless you know they are okay with it/they already identify as it. Do NOT use this term as a way to discriminate against fat/chubby ace people.

Also, do not repost my flags/the things I coin with out credit.

This term can be used by any ace person that is fat/chubby. I do not support ace/aro exclusionism.

Here’s the links to the Fluffy Aroace, Fluffy Aro, Fluffy Aqueerplatonic, and Fluffy Asensual versions.

[pyrosex]

I have never seen a pro ace exclus ace person

[purple-mothman-majesty]

none of the arguments you listed are the ones we actually make. the argument is cis straight people aren’t queer. cis straight aces aren’t queer. lgbt aces are.

it’s not aphobic because aces aren’t being excluded—cis straight people are being excluded.

This isn't really a question, but I'm going to answer because someone may find it helpful.

The examples I listed are often used, (especially the oppression one) but the argument Anon mentioned is probably the most common one. I didn't include it though because I wanted to keep things lighthearted, pointing out the ironic, self-contradictory arguments. Whereas Anon's argument isn't as comical. But now that we're here, we might as well talk about it...

°✧*Rant time°✧*。

Heteromantic aces are not straight. Straight means you are heteromantic and heterosexual.

The fact that they can be romantically attracted to someone not of their gender doesn't cancel out their asexuality or make them suddenly relate to straight people's experience. They still experience sexuality differently than straight people. It doesn't they are safe from aphobia just because they're heteromantic. They still need a safe place away from the people who want to "fix" us. Believe it or not, the straights™ hate cishet aces too. Because they're still ace. they're still queer.

If someone is bi they aren't suddenly straight just because they experience heterosexuality along side homosexuality. Cis gay allos are cis & allo like straight people but that doesn't make them straight because they're gay. Similarly, cishet aces are cis & hetero like cis straight people, but they're not straight because they're ace. It's okay to have a couple of things in common with straight people, you're still queer.

What a lot of people don't realize (probably due to lack of representation) is that being ace or aro is its own unique experience even if you are hetero as well. Especially in the sex-obsessed, amatonormative world we live in.

Sometimes other queer people only focus on the hetero aspect of it, ignoring the fact that asexuality and aromantism are inherently queer on their own. Allos seem to separate it in their minds and think about it like this: "Look! That person is a

H E T E R O M A N T I C asexual. "

As if the asexuality doesn't completely change the way they experience the hetero attraction anyway. Their asexuality isn't just about what they don't feel, it's also about the way it effects what they do feel. Being ace is so much more nuanced than just "people who feel little to no sexual attraction." I can't explain all of it but, another thing about being aspec is, it feels like you're looking at life through a completely different lense. and understandably, if you aren't aspec and don't know much about aspecs' experiences, how are you supposed to know that? (Not that ignorance excuses aphobia)

Most hetero aces say that before they knew what asexuality was, they always had thoughts like, *"I'm really bad at being straight, I must be doing it wrong." Or *"I must be broken, I can't relate to straight people or gay people." Or *they just think they're bi until they figure it out ages later. And if they were straight they wouldn't even have to explain their sexuality to straight people in the first place. I imagine hearing someone call them straight must be baffling. Like, you've got to be kidding me!

*sidenote: straight people don't have those thoughts

I've even seen many gay and mspec aces and aros say that the aspec side of their identity makes them feel more queer and that it affects more things for them than their homo or mspec identity. Of course not all of them feel that way but it just goes to show you that even gay aspecs can tell you that being aro or ace is inherently queer.

Lastly aspecs have been part of the lgbtqia+ community since the beginning, even before the words asexual and aromantic existed. People can argue all they want but it doesn't change anything. You don't get to choose what other people identify as or whether they are in the community or not, that's up to each individual. They're here, they're queer let's give them a cheer! 🎉 🏳️‍🌈 👏👏👏

If you read this far, have some cake:

🍰 🍰 🍰

[kdd-works]

You're not aphobic, you tell yourself?

You're not aphobic, but you only care about asexual issues when they overlap with other marginalization.

You're not aphobic, but you bend over backwards to deny aphobia as a motivating factor in hate crimes against asexual people.

You're not aphobic, but you hate nonsexual queerness.

You're not aphobic, but you constantly infantilize and act condescending toward the asexual community.

You're not aphobic, but you don't respect us as fellow LGBTQIA+ people.

You're not aphobic—after all, if you're aphobic, everyone else is, too… right?

Keep telling yourself you aren't aphobic. I don't believe it.

[sniper-but-gayer]

Shoutout to all the aroace folk who feel left out. To the asexual people who wish they could just enjoy it like everyone else, even if it grosses them out. To the aromantic people who want to be loved closely so much, but they are only wanted to be close to if its romantic. The aspec people who are so confused with their attraction it just makes them want to cry.

The aro people who want adventures and cuddles and just a few people they can spend the rest of their lives with. Aro people who are scared to love the way they want to, because either someone will fall for them or take it the wrong way.

The ace people who have a libido, but it feels wrong when someone else is involved, so they feel broken. The ace people who want a romantic relationship, but not a sexual one.

To the aspec kids who were told "You're still figuring it out", "you're just a kid", "its a phase", or "you just haven't met the right one yet".

The aspec people who just want to be loved, and think no one will ever love them the way they want to be loved.

To the entire aspec community. Since we are always left out. Even though we aren't broken.

Because, yeah. Me too.

[fixing-bad-posts]

[Image description: a tumblr text post, edited to scribble out some of the words blackout-poetry style. The resulting text reads, "the idea that anyone asexual is LGBT is rad."]

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the idea that anyone asexual is LGBT is rad

Submitted by @socialantleredrabbit

[gonuclear]

it’s so wild being on the insular little pit of tumblr and becoming so used to the infighting and hypocritical, prejudiced nonsense in queer spaces then moving practically down the street from historically and predominantly very queer neighborhoods because like....most of the queer people i’ve run across so far (there are, of course, exceptions out there) are so much nicer and on the whole more joyful than the vast majority of discourse-spouting people on the internet. i’ve also seen a lot of older queer people who genuinely just look so happy to be able to openly just....go get groceries with their partners. i think there is such a massive pressure on the internet to be a model queer person, to have just the right identities in just the right ways so you can appease people who you will never meet, and it’s all so stupid. because for the most part that is simply not the way things work in the real world. i have seen so many hateful people on the internet spit back the same type of rhetoric that has been used against them for decades at people who are supposed to be part of their community. yes i am fully aware that there are a lot of existing prejudices and ideas, particularly in older circles, but it is not nearly as bad as it is on this site. it literally would not kill y’all to be nice to people who have more than likely faced the same struggles (if not worse!) as you have. no one is better than anyone else because they are of a certain gender/sexuality. i do not know what it’s going to take to get this point across. 

[anam-mana]

Hey guys, so I’m that person Mana4Anam who made the Asexual Inclusion post in response to exclusionists in my inbox back when.

I’m on a completely new blog, because I was actually kinda runoff by terfs in my inbox purposefully trying to trigger my conversion therapy trauma after I pointed out the link between transphobia and anti-autistic ableism (a conversation for another day). It was pretty awful and caused me to panic delete social media to avoid the barrage of messages and asks I was getting that got very violent.

The one thing I very much regret losing in that episode was the very concise long post about the history of asexual people being included in the queer community over many centuries with sources from academic material, first hand accounts, and various articles. As such, I am currently recompiling all my sources and getting ready to make a single long post restating all of those points in a chronological timeline.

But in case you guys were looking for that post and couldn’t find it, that’s what happened. And I am going to be coming out with a replacement with all the same sources soon.

[sleepygaymerdisease]

[ID: Tweets from Emily 'Soup Lesbian' Gwen (@theemilygwen) on twitter with the following text:

Well, just left a job interview crying because the hiring manager told me they liked my application but were disappointed that I didn't bother dressing appropriately. I tried to explain that I haven't been able to afford new clothes in years but I just couldn't handle it.

That comment and my reaction was one of the most mortifying moments of my life. I thought I put together a decent outfit for the job with what I had, and hearing her say that just destroyed me.

Anyway I'm still looking for work and struggling a lot. Even $5 would help pay for a meal. ko-fi.com/emilygwen

End ID]

Please help Emily Gwen, the creator of the lesbian flag. If you show me that you donated any amount I will draw you something. You can also support them by buying something from their Threadless store!

[codthefishgod]

To all the people who think aspec people aren't LGBTQIA+ because we aren't "discriminated against enough", here's a lovely list of reasons why you need to educate yourself:

- We suffer from dehumanisation, people actively devaluing or even erasing our humanity because of our identities (The voidpunk community is heavily supported by aspec people because of this)

- We suffer from self hatred due to feeling as if and being told we are broken, that no one can be happy unless they're in a romantic/sexual relationship, because of allonormativity and amatonormativity that actively damages our mental health

- Amatonormativity shapes laws that put us at an active disadvantage, such as giving married people financial and legal benefits

- Aspec people have been victims of conversion therapy, correctional rape, a lower quality of life, and other effects of being a marginalised and oppressed group

- We suffer from our identities being pathologised and deal with medical stigma because of this, causing many of us to feel unwelcome in and even avoid health care settings

- We suffer from our identities being erased, which can range from people completely denying our existence and people equating it to celibacy, to an almost complete absence of aspec representation in the media (It's been getting better lately, especially for alloaces and aroaces, but I have yet to ever see a canon aroallo character, and representation for those on the spectrum rather than in the extremes is often ignored)

- YOU are creating a hateful, exclusionary space in a community meant to be about inclusion. The same thing that happens to us happens to bisexual people, to polyamorous people, and other identities that are "disputed." In a community meant to be about rejecting the norm, YOU are shoving us out because we don't fit the norm of being LGBTQIA+. Because we're not enough like you.

These are only a few examples of aphobia that people like me deal with. Discrimination and oppression against aspec people stretches far beyond this.

But even if it didn't, it is disrespectful and harmful to everyone involved to gatekeep membership in the community based on oppression and discrimination.

We aren't LGBTQIA+ because we experience oppression. We are LGBTQIA+ because our existence alone goes against heteronormativity and other societal norms forced upon us.

[yiddishfiles]

Something that i think is equally important to saying "asexual people aren't asexual because of trauma/body issues and asexuality isn't a phase" is saying "for some people their asexuality IS because of trauma/body issues and it might be something that can be worked through with therapy/recovery but they r still asexual" lots of ppl are asexual for lots of different reasons and u can't go around prescribing the ace experience