#and its worse now bc its 2:30 am

[davidtennantpussytulpa]

now that my PI is like hey you should actually be sitting in the lab to write instead of doing it at home im shooting one million lasers at his head in my mind. fuck off

[wabblebees]

anyone happen to have that r/Ritalin screenshot handy lmao

[one-squash-one-end]

I wrote a giant Raven Cycle analysis

Hi! Over the last year or so I've been working on a sort of essay about various themes in the raven cycle series, and I finally finished it a few weeks ago.

It is titled: "Why I love The Raven Cycle - An excessive analysis of the themes of friendship, queerness and growing up".

And since tumblr loves its meta (and bc I love peer validation) I've decided to start uploading it bit by bit here, making this the masterpost (if I can figure out the logistics of the linking lmao, bear with me)

(beware of spoilers up to greywaren starting at like 3b!)

Introduction

What even is the Raven Cycle?

Trust me, the characters are queer as fuck and I can prove it a) Blue Sargent b) Gansey c) Adam Parrish d) Ronan Lynch e) Noah f) Henry Cheng g) Honorary mentions

The Gangsey is a polycule

Analyzing the reoccurring themes a) Friendship b) Being a teen/growing up c) (Found) Family d) Magic (as a metaphor) e) Further themes I appreciate

Drawing a conclusion

Click here to start with the introductory parts!

1. Introduction

So here’s the thing: I love fiction almost as much as I love my friends. There’s something deeply comforting about the escapism, even if the book actually makes me want to scream and throw it on the floor (only one book has been thrown so far, I promise!).  Fiction is a healthy thing to occupy my thoughts with: headcanons! Quotes being on loop in my brain! Just fandoms!

And for me, if I am hooked on a book (series), it does not even need a good plot where a lot of things happen. In fact, I would say that my enjoyment of a book is made up of 30% plot and about 70% characters and vibes. If the characters are bland, if they do not make me feel much emotion, it likely won’t be more than 4 stars (additional info: I am way too nice rating books!). I really, really need to love the characters, to be able to relate to some aspects of them, or it just won’t become an obsession.

Since I have already started explaining that a bit, let’s look at this question: What is important to make a book special to me? 1. I need to cry reading it. 2. I have to think about it often, even weeks to months after having read it. 3. Obviously, I need to love the characters. 4. I need to be in the fandom! This can be hard with some books, but the internet is a whimsical space allowing you to find at least a small number of people who are obsessed with a work of fiction to a similar extent as you are.

Now, why am I elaborating on this so much? It’s because The Raven Cycle did all that for me. It is my favorite comfort book series at the moment, for all those aspects mentioned, but of course I cannot just leave it at that. No, I wrote a whole-ass analysis on headcanons and some of its themes. You’re welcome.

2. What even is The Raven Cycle?

The Raven Cycle is all I adore and live for (next to my friends). So, naturally, it’s a book series, specifically a four book young adult contemporary fantasy series by American author Maggie Stiefvater. The books in question are: The Raven Boys (2012), The Dream Thieves (2013), Blue Lily, Lily Blue (2014) and The Raven King (2016), and yes I will admit that the publishing dates are a bit of a red flag. There is also the very relevant follow-up series called The Dreamer Trilogy (Call Down The Hawk, Mister Impossible, Greywaren), but it’s a lot less easy to get into that here as I do not know these entire books by heart, so I’ll stick to the original tetralogy here.

To stick to red flags, the books are set in the fictional Henrietta, a rural town in non-fictional Virginia, US, in the 2010s. However, that doesn’t really say *that* much about the plot, so let me summarize that really quick, because I can do better than the official synopsis! (Or let’s pretend I can.)

Blue Sargent comes from a family of psychics, yet she does not have any powers of her own. Even worse, she is a bit of an amplifier for the others, meaning she is always somehow but never directly involved in the business. As if that isn’t enough for an identity crisis, every psychic she has ever met has told her that her kiss would kill her true love. Yikes.

But because she is that amplifier, she comes to a church watch on St. Mark’s Eve, where psychics see the spirits of those to die within the following year. It’s important business, but to her it’s really just staring into the dark. Until she does actually see a spirit: That of Gansey. Of course this is not a coincidence. No, to add to this teen’s mount of problems, there are only two reasons why a non-seer would see someone’s spirit: They are their true love, or they killed them. Or, in Blue’s case, maybe both.

The aforementioned Gansey is Henrietta’s Golden Boy, the son of politicians (read: he’s fucking loaded). He does not run with the Republicans though, he runs with dead Welsh kings, meaning he has been searching for the probably dead, presumably sleeping Welsh king Glendower (*1350; †1416; yikes) for the past like seven years. Why the fuck would he do that? Well, legend says that he will grant a wish to whoever wakes him, and our favorite PTSD-ridden guy really wants that favor.

Aiding him are fellow Aglionby students Adam Parrish, Ronan Lynch and Noah Czerny, plus Henry Cheng, though only a lot later in the series, but I really did not want to leave out that menace (affectionately) here. The paths of Blue and the boys cross because of Gansey’s search for Glendower, plus the fact that Blue works at a popular pizza place, but that’s a lot less whimsical. And, well, there’s the implication that Gansey might also be her true love, but perhaps she just kills him because of his bad fashion sense, it would be justified. Anyway, in true Famous Five fashion (Ronan is the dog; I won’t elaborate, the girls that get it, get it) they are of course not the only ones searching for the king, so it’s not completely a wholesome friend bonding activity all the way through.

Be prepared for: friendship and growing up, lots of treasure hunting, family mysteries, magical forests, illegal and slightly distasteful activities (our favorite of course), but most of all, heavily queer-coded (or even canonically queer) characters. Be Gay, Do Crime.

[writing--whore]

Hunger

Pairing: The Darkling x Reader

Summary: A/O/B fic. It's your first heat and you're a distraction to all of the men at the Little Palace

Word count: 600

Warnings: No smut but very sexually suggestive

A/N: Okay so I wrote this when season 1 came out. I never actually finished it lol. If anyone is interested, I would love to finish it!

I'm so upset tho bc I did write more than this but I think I accidentally deleted the next few scenes 😭

Also hot take but I am kinda disappointed by what they did to the Darkling in season 2. Season 1 Darkling had me going FERAL. I miss the scenes with him and Alina 😩 There was so much chemistry arghhh it was so hot.

As you walked into the council room, all the men turned to look at you, eyes slightly wide and hungry. You could almost picture the saliva dripping down their chins. You shrunk into yourself as you made your way to your seat. 

It was your first heat and you didn’t want to let it prevent you from going to work. But a heat was even more intense than you’d expected it to be and it seemed to be getting worse by the minute. 

You were absolutely throbbing and your pants were soaked through. You couldn’t help but squeeze your thighs together to try and gain some amount of satisfaction. It only made things worse but once you’d started you couldn’t seem to stop. 

You dared to look around yourself and you noticed that concentration strained on the men’s faces as they now refused to look at you. They were trying so hard to be civil and not to pounce on you. 

When none of you thought you could take it any longer, General Kirigan finally strode into the meeting. His nostrils flared as soon as he entered, clearly taking notice of your scent. He didn’t say anything as he placed his papers down on the table ready to conduct the discussion. You’d never seen him look so tense before, not even during his most high-stakes political negotiations. You started to regret not taking the day off work.

You could hardly think straight, your nipples were hard beneath your bra and you wanted so badly to start palming your breasts through your clothes. You were desperate for any sort of stimulation and had to restrain yourself from rocking your mound the chair. You had an inkling that none of the men were paying attention too, if their stolen glances were anything to go off. 

A few of the men were without a mate and you knew that they were desperate to throw themselves at you. And your instincts were telling you to do the same. But one man’s scent in particular was driving you insane. General Kirigan’s. He was the alpha of all alphas. And it came off in his scent. You were practically dizzy with it. 

You were so painfully aware of his presence. Sure he was incredibly attractive and you might have always had a little crush on him but this feeling was nothing in comparison to that. A part of you was willing to do absolutely anything for that man to put you out of your misery. But its not as if the General Kirigan would ever want to be your mate, you thought sadly. 

“I think that’s enough for today.” He declared.

You checked the clock. You were finishing 30 minutes early. You shrunk into yourself even more. They couldn’t stand your presence for one second more. 

You stuffed your belongings into your bag and went to hurry out.

“Y/N, I want you to stay behind.” Kirigan instructed. 

You froze, tightly clutching your bag, and turned back around.

His hands were pressed down on top of the table - arms as tense as logs. He refused to look at you. 

The door closed shut behind the last person to leave. His scent smelt even more intense now it was just the two of you. 

His eyes remained on the table as he spoke to you - each word was strained: “Y/N, please take the next few days off.” 

“Yes, sir. Sorry, sir.”

He nodded. 

That was all he wanted to say. You should go now, leg it back to your room. But part of you wanted to stay. You hesitated for a moment, your legs slightly shaking and your pants so wet that a drop of it started to trickle down your thigh. You needed Kirigan’s scent to surround you, to claim you, to mark you as his. 

He interrupted your thoughts, “You may leave.”

Of course, your fantasy was never going to happen. 

“Sorry, Sir.” You repeated and hurried off. 

[fishcow99]

hasdhasadf so i went to the reunion thing. its like a one hour hangout thing then a two hour show. i was there for like 10 minutes of the hang out then i stepped out for like half an hour for air and then i went back in and immediately noped out and left and went home and watched part of newsies and ive cried for like an hour or two bc he was there and im pretty sure he knew that cus there wasnt that many people and my two friends were already talking to eachother and to him and i didnt want to interrupt and he was wearing a green long sleeve with the sleeves rolled up and i think his hairs gotten longer and i heard his voice and i was like gone for 30 minutes and no one wondered where i was and then after that i was like clearly crying but i dont think anyone cared and no one cared and the girl wasn't even there it was just the sight of him and when i looked away i could here his voice and i dont think ive seen him wear that shirt before and i wonder how he got casted for anything goes at his school and i didnt even tell anyone that i got into the thing at the theater cus everyone was already talking to each other and i didnt want to bother them and at least i wrote like 1 1/2 songs cus of all of this but hes so pretty and i didnt say a word to him and he didnt say a word to me and its not like we were actively avoiding each other there were just other people and he always chooses other people over me he never chooses me i wish he would choose me and i could hear his voice and i can still hear his voice and non of my friends who were there have asked where i went or if im okay which is fine because i know they have more important things to do which is okay and fine and now i'll never see him again and maybe i couldve talked to him i literally bought a dress just to see him again i never wear dresses but maybe if im pretty he'll notice me but he didnt and maybe he hates me for the whole thing from the notes which is fine and its not like i expected anything differently i basically antagonized him and thats my fault and i should just be glad he didnt go out of his way to say he hated me but maybe its worse this way and really if you look at it from an outside prespective nothing really happened so im just being dramatic which is fine cus i always am but i just keep imagining wonderful things with him in my head and then i see him and realize he probably doesnt even remember me which is fine but my friends didnt care which i guess i should expect but it still hurts but it shouldnt hurt because nothing really happened and im just making a big deal out of this but i love him and i dont think i can ever stop loving him

[thatdeadaquarius]

I just reread your Language Barrier AU and the ballpoint where reader was pissed because these fuckers just couldn't help but talk like Zhongli-

MINCE YOUR WORDS.

IN ONE SENTENCE.

PREFERABLY 5 WORDS OR LESS.

EXPLAIN IT TO ME LIKE I'M RAZOR.

Argh, God. I'm getting mad just thinking about it. 😤 Imagine in a fight and these dudes just sttaight up blurted a fucking 5 book-length, hard bounded soliloquy- I cannot-

No, Venti, Kazuha. You cannot use Haikus-

No, Cyno, you cannot use jokes either- but that is debatable-

And Oh. My. God. I kept thinking about when fighting and y'all kept throwing words (like when using a skill) and I'm just here standing, bracing myself SO HARD trying not to laugh (also irl). And then maybe now and then some mistranslation on Reader's mind since they use JP VA since the start of Genshin (assuming they play?) are new to Teyvat's Language:

'One with the Floor!'

One with the what?

'Shake your ass, sir!'

Cue spitting tea-

(Sorry, that's just me mishearing things 💀) But like at those times, Reader is the one dying of laughter lol. Imagine them explaing to Beidou that they thought she said 'Power of the ending Hotdog' instead of 'Power that ended Haishan'.

Aight, imma just.. go.

*imma send this anonymously because im shy, but do know that I love bread 🥖

Also @2:20

For you 🤲🥨🍩🥧🥐all the bread for the superior ask, anon

I could definitely see myself saying "ONE SENTENCE. U HAVE TO RESPOND IN ONE SENTENCE ONLY." then they manage to still make it a whole 40 word sentence 💀

^^ Confused Bakugou gif is literally u being shocked bc u keep mishearing everyones bursts on the battlefield LMAO SHAKE UR ASS SIR THAT ONE TOOK ME TF OUT ANON

☆

"Speed of Bite!" (Keqing's Speed of Light lol)

"I will have whore her!" (Zhongli's I will have order 😭)

"Time for... Execution!" (Diluc's time for retribution lol)

...

You in the background like: 🧍‍♂️... tfs wrong with yall, u glitched??

◇

They're like, physically incapable of making your kind of simple blunt sentences

Like i think some people would get close: Albedo, Xinyan, Klee, Qiqi, Sayu (rlly likes it bc it lets them be lazier), Cyno (maybe at first but then he would like, explain for 10 min after every simple sentence what he meant like his jokes 😭), Hu Tao, Heizou, Lumine/Aether, Xiao (can kinda get close but he gets frustrated and then rants for 30 minutes lmao), Razor (holds the title for the closest to your simple speech,👏👏LMAO PPL ACCIDENTALLY THINKING HES A GOD)

♤

People who will never get it, not even if ur in battle & ur life depends on it LMAO:

Zhongli (he rlly wants to but habits over thousands of years r hard to break 🙏 rip), Yun Jin, Xingqiu, Kuni/Babygirl, Venti, Kazuha, Sucrose, Shenhe, Kokomi, Ei, Nahida (tho it was a valiant effort), Noelle, Alhaitham, Sara, Ningguang (she doesnt want to even try lol), Mona, Fischl, Jean, Ganyu, Eula, Barbara, Diluc + Kaeya (unsurpringly both of them are tied for being the worst attempts at speaking simply 💀, guess its just that fancy etiquette training, its too hard to break) 😔

♡

Yeah, ur pretty much begging the ppl who can get close to ur speech to constantly translate everyone else

Rest in peace traveler, theyre like the first person u turn to,

(Paimon is also kinda bad at speaking simply, closest shes gotten is when she demands food lol)

☆

Idk how good this was, but THANK U FOR THE ASK AGAIN I AM ALWAYS READY TO HEAR OTHERS MAKE MY BRAINROT WORSE OVER LANGUAGE GENSHIN <3

ALSO I CANT BELIEVE U SENT ME THAT CYNO JOKES VIDEO PLEASE ITS SO LONG IT WAS SO FUNNY I STILL HAVENT WATCHED THE FULL THING

Feel free to send another in whenever i love talking to yall ♡

Cheers,

🌒🌊🌧Aquarius♒️🌌🌘

♡ the beloveds:

@karmawonders

✨️✨️✨️✨️💖✨️✨️✨️✨️

[beazt]

the fact that many things necessary for OTC improvement of disability and chronic illness symptoms, in their most affordable form, only come in a “one size fits all/most” size is such bullshit.

if I come across some mental energy in the near future I’ll return to this post with a whole list of brief examples of this, but in the meantime, let me share the experience that prompted this post:

I have carpal tunnel syndrome in both hands, but my left hand has it worse. it’s progressed to a point where I brought it up to doctors again and they recommended wrist splints/braces. He gave me a referral to occupational therapy to get prescription ones but wanted me to use an over the counter version in the meantime.

I bought the ACE reversible one. It was around $20 and I am poor. I tried it out for a couple hours to make sure it was comfortable and it was, just felt a bit tight around the thumb. I wore it to sleep like I’m supposed to, and I woke up early in the morning due to severe pain in my thumb because it had been digging into my skin all around my thumb. it left a deep angry-red imprint all the way around. 14 hours later, a fainter red circle around my thumb remains, and it is very sensitive— I can’t wear the brace for even 2 minutes at a time because of it. the basal thumb joint is also sore and stiff and hurts to move it towards any extremes of its range of motion.

now it’s important to mention, most people would call my hands small. personally, I’d explain them how I explain my feet— short, but problematically thick and wide. for reference, when it comes to disposable nitrile gloves, a small would fit my hand in length, but I physically cannot force it (even though they stretch) onto my hand/fingers because of their thickness. a medium barely squeezes onto my hand but is problematically loose+long around the fingertips. I had to give up molecular bench work bc loose fingertip gloves make the precision necessary almost impossible. btw they don’t even make modified size (like short, wide, etc) nitrile gloves (at least not that I can find?)

in a short Google search I was only able to find one model of wrist brace that advertises large thumb holes. I was able to find two very short reviews of it, so I don’t really have a solid idea of if it is effective or comfortable. it is ~$30 (+ shipping), not reversible (so for me, I’d have to buy one for each hand), and it comes in a range of sizes. took a minute to find a sizing chart. don’t know what my size is bc i don’t have a measuring tape, which is more my fault than theirs tbh, but can’t drive rn so it’d be difficult to get one atm…

I also had to special-order a cane that fit my specifications a couple years ago. it’s an adjustable cane and I still had to have it modified before it arrived

anyone can need accessibility measures. not everyone can afford specialty, prescription, or custom ones. and sometimes, those options aren’t even attainable at all.

[mordeiswrld]

“Im drained...im unmotivated...im tired...im done. So many hurtful things have been said to me by the ones who were supposed to care for me...i still rememeber it, and some of it still goes on. Why do I remember the things that hurt me...?”

“Wear some makeup maybe that’ll make it better” -because i wouldnt smile for a picture i didnt wanna be in

“She’s a grown woman she knows what she’s doing”- my great grabdmother & mom when i got mad about my siblings (1-2 and 6-7 years old) being out without me and with my grandma who hasnt had a baby in over a decade

“You need to stop dressing that way”- my great grandma when i showed up to my her house in an oversized sweater

“Your too young”- my mom when i told her i wanted a binder and that i was a boy at 11-12 years old

“ive always wanted a boy”- my mom. Then she got what she wanted and started being ‘better’ as if she couldn’t do that with her 1st 2 kids

“Yeah mhm, or girl what?😒”-my mom, dismissing me whenever i try to tell her something im happy about

“You need to start talking to your grandparents”- my mom everytime i ask her for something, now im scared to ask since everything i ask for is “too much” even though she buys herself stuff everyday

“Ill talk to him”- my mom whenever me and my dad get into our fights...it never gets better and she never talks to him and always takes his side

“Shut the fuck up”- my dad whenever i try to explain something to him even if it’s not that serious(its never that serious)

“Stop being selfish”- my dad whenever i say no to my siblings using my stuff that is strictly MINE and that i dont have to share if i dont want to

“Watch your brother” my dad almost all the time everyday and they’ll just be lying around doing nothing with the excuse of ‘i work i need a break’ you dont need a break all damn week while i have to go to school and handle your wild 3 year old while your in your mid 30s

“Sounds like a personal problem” my mom whenever i tell her that I genuinely can't handle my siblings and am on the verge of snapping (violently)

“Maybe if you had a bedtime then yknow...i dont wanna have to say it”- my mom around her friend talking about my low grade in a class and thinking its bc of electronics when in reality my mental health is in hell and ive been crying more than usual and i dont have the motivation to keep pushing on anymore, but she thinks im up at 12:30 bc of a phone...

“Congratulations”- my mom when i show her my all As. But won’t be as nice and be a bit irritated that i got a low C in something she knows I struggle in

“I'm so proud of you”- my dad hugging me for the straight As. He doesnt hug me ever and he never says those words to me. Not even when its a minor accomplishment

“Has your father ever told you he loves you?” my mom years ago in a random parking lot that got me realizing last week that he never says he loves me willingly, he has to be forced

“I'm obligated to be there” my grandfather after getting married and never calling us to see how we are

“Your ___ eye is bigger than your ___” my friend. I always liked my eyes growing up...not anymore

“She ugly as hell” my 9th grade classmate he just says it whenever he can. I dont even have to be talking to him

It’s getting worse day by day...nothing i do is enough...im tired..

admin zjay

[chungledown-bimothy]

How did the other ones age terribly, if you don't mind me asking?

I only have one tattoo at the moment! It's on my upper left arm and it's just a mountainscape with trees, a crescent moon, the constellation Cassiopeia, and swirling watercolor to make the sky look galaxy-like!

Honestly you're so valid. Also, I know it's never been confirmed bc they don't really talk about it past a passing joke, but I fully believe that Margaret Encino is a trans woman and I love that for her.

Ajdhd that is too much church for one day. I literally can't imagine growing up like that 😅 even going to church for an hour on Sundays (and on Wednesdays bc we went to church before CCD) was sooo boring as a kid. But honestly I never really believed in it 😂

My brother got irritated with me one day when I was 6 (he's 8 years older than me and never particularly liked me) and told me Santa wasn't real. I immediately went to my mom and asked for confirmation, and my mom sucks at lying so she told me the truth. I then immediately asked, "so then is the Easter bunny fake too? And the tooth fairy?" And when my mom answered yes to those, I apparently took a long pause and asked, 'is Jesus real?" 😂😂😂😂 My mom was so out of her depth

Those songs and that album are such good choices!!! FOB songs go hard and are honestly kind of underrated!!

It's honestly not that bad of a schedule! I've been doing it for almost 2 years now, and once you get used to it, it's actually great. Plus, when I take vacation, I get 3 weeks off instead of 2!!

What other bands/artists do you like?? If you have Spotify and don't mind sharing, who was your top artist of the year?

- 🪐

They're both from fandoms I've since completely separated myself from.

One of them is a BTS tattoo (their logo on my inner wrist) I got in 2018, and while I still listen to their music from time to time, I really don't pay any attention to them any more. The fandom as a whole fucking sucks, and it seemed to just be getting worse, so I bailed a couple years ago.

The other is a goddamn Sanders Sides tattoo I got in early 2017. Also not a big piece, and one that's aesthetically cool divorced from its source, so not a big deal there. The tldr on it aging poorly is that Thomas has been stringing along and fucking over his fans for the last few years, and it fucking sucks.

I have not learned from either of these experiences and will soon be getting a kingdom hearts tattoo and a d20 one (once i figure out what the fuck i'm actually gonna get lol)

Holy shit that sounds so beautiful!!

It definitely was a lot of church, but I was so devout, I truly didn't care. I also, as a freshman and sophomore in high school, did an additional scripture study class from 5:30 to 6:30 am every weekday 😅

That's fucking hilarious oh my god. I cannot imagine what my dad would have looked like or said if I'd asked him that lmfao

I'm glad the schedule works for you! 3 weeks definitely sounds great ^_^

My current favorite artist is Sig Figs Collective for sure. They were pretty much all I listened to from this past October to when they had to take their music off Spotify. I also listen to a lot of show tunes and other pop punk (mcr, green day, mayday parade)

I think my top artist last year, though, was, uh. Markiplier. I listened to one of the songs he released for In Space With Markiplier almost 500 times, and there were a few other songs he's done that were also in heavy rotation lol

You?

[grgie]

I posted 1,266 times in 2022

That's 166 more posts than 2021!

59 posts created (5%)

1,207 posts reblogged (95%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@dingdongyouarewrong

@deathbyfiction

@colemckenzies

@spyderverse

@leaf-is-tired

I tagged 356 of my posts in 2022

#helena talks to the void - 29 posts

#goncharov - 16 posts

#helena speaks to people - 15 posts

#unreality - 12 posts

#knife gang - 12 posts

#taz duck - 5 posts

#work things - 4 posts

#my posts - 4 posts

#hmm - 3 posts

#tagged - 3 posts

Longest Tag: 140 characters

#he is also slightly blue bc i once got bright blue bedsheets without washing them first and they stained everything (including my skin) blue

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

i never give customers my name at work whenever they ask for it, not because i dont want them to use it to report me to my managers (although thats a bonus) but because of the fae. "can i have your name?" no :) nice try tho you tricky bastards

13 notes - Posted September 16, 2022

#4

uglystudies → grgie

url change!! i now track #grgie (although i'll still keep an eye on the uglystudies tag too, i just wont be reblogging study content to this blog anymore)

19 notes - Posted August 6, 2022

#3

my friend knows nothing about the dsmp or dream and george and is trying to put the pieces together through twitter

23 notes - Posted October 4, 2022

#2

a lil timelapse of me finishing and submitting my dissertation (32 minutes before the deadline) but i realised that this is likely the last study post i'll ever make (not that i was ever regularly posting lol) so its a little bittersweet! ive had this studyblr since 2015 (seven years holy shit thats a long time) and i do think its been an incredibly important part of my life, for better or worse. i started this blog in an attempt to hold myself more accountable whilst studying for my gcses and i think for most part it was helpful (ignoring 2016/17 studyblr... muji and overexposing our pictures really had a grip on us huh) despite the weirdly large number of asks i got from people telling me that i shouldnt do 5 a-levels (i did 5 and i aced all of them. suck it. AND i did an epq as well! extra suck it!)

apparently theres 15k of you, which i simply do not think is true (i imagine the vast majority of my followers are made up of long abandoned studyblrs) but for those of you who continue to stick around and like my silly little posts, even if we don't interact, ur huge and i appreciate u. ive made some many wonderful (and hopefully lifelong) friends as a result of studyblr and genuinely wouldnt change it for the world :')

i've mentioned this in the tags of a post recently but im going to change my url soon to a non study related one because im not studying anymore lol, but dw im not deleting this blog or anything, this blog has always been very loosely defined as a studyblr so you can expect plenty more dracula daily memes in the near future

also yikes that is not the most flattering angle lmao

44 notes - Posted May 24, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

[getting validation from mutuals about my spotify wrapped songs]: ah yes, i am winning in being a good mutual with good music taste, something both normal and possible to achieve

172 notes - Posted November 30, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[nathank77]

8/20/24

8:59 a.m

My insomnia was a bitch last night. I had to double up for the first time in 2 days. I'm willing to tonight after putting in much effort but the following day I'm SOL I won't raise my tolerance. It'll come down to weed tomorrow worse case.

I fell asleep by 1 a.m... it's really getting to me.

Let's go over my potential subclinical hyperthyroidism symptoms:

1) Insomnia....

I dont think there are others...

-muscles twitching: seems directly related to metopolol and have seemed to slow down and almost stop since stopping the meds.

-pooping: has went back to 2-3× a day. The 5 times that one day was directly linked to having over 39 grams of fiber in one day.

- Sweating/Heat intolerance: Not suffering from those.

-Heart Rate: Seems to be within normal range.

- Frequent Urination: I mean I drink a lot of fluids. It can easily be the explanation. Before bed I drink a cup of tea with my cigarettes.

-weight loss: my caloric in-take is low. I would be losing weight like a mother fucker if I was hyper.

-Anxiety: well I mean insomnia triggers me so much it's always extreme.. and okay so my thyroid nodules gave me anxiety randomly last night. Maybe we can say my anxiety is worse..... but idk it could also be that I care about myself and my sister had thyroid cancer and I didn't want to process that my thyroid grew another nodule despite it being smaller. And of course, my thyroid is of major interest to me atm bc of being sub clinically hyper..

- Appetite: I've had a slight increase in appetite but it seems normal. Every 4-6 hours. When I was hyper I was hungry every 2 hours... now I just feel hungry when I think a normal human body should.

Okay moving forward from that:

- is xanax losing its effectiveness? I don't think so but it crosses my mind.. yet some nights it works fine.

- or is my anxiety bad right now and it's keeping me from falling asleep quickly..

- is it the game I play before bedtime. It's fun it's call ice age adventure. Elise if you're here idk if your kids are too old to enjoy it but I think it's super fun and cute and they may love it. Nonetheless it's bright. And I play right before solitaire. It could be effecting it.

circadian rhythm: is it being effected by multiple nights of falling asleep later due to insomnia despite all the efforts I make to keep it so I can fall asleep by 11:30 p.m..

- then I think a wild thought what if my body is like if we don't sleep he will give us more? I mean it seems stupid cause it knows damn well that sure 2 days in a row I will but day 3 you're fucked. I'll make you pull an all nighter. I'm keeping my circadian rhythm I'll throw myself in the attic at 2 a.m if you won't sleep.

Gaming isn't a factor I haven't been gaming all my youtube videos are a week or 2 old being posted on a schedule.

Yesterday I had one red bull at 8 a.m. I had my v8 energy drinks too but stopped them at 2 p.m....

I mean I have had more tv time. But I mean of course I have. I'm running through my list of things to do and 90% of it at this rate costs me money I don't have so I can only do so much.

- bo4 hardcore barebones starts today. I have therapy and a physical. And I'm doing laundry so I can't really enjoy it today but starting tomorrow I'm going to be all in, I set up my week so I can enjoy it for as many days as possible. Although I have to go grocery shopping tomorrow.

- I am worried about money. Idk.

I suppose if I struggle tonight and tomorrow I'm going to do Methimazole everyday bc at that point I can't find another cause but it seems weird that it could be related to subclinical hyperthyroidism when I slept when I was hyper.

I don't think xanax is losing its effectiveness

I actually think my circadian rhythm has been thrown off too many nights in a row and maybe my tv is still a little too loud. If I turn it down anymore- the voice is going to be all i hear....

Maybe I can try being scared on YouTube on my tv with a sleep timer. His voice is low. And now my mental pictures are all sorts of normal and weird and I have control of them.

But yea I'm feeling hopeless. I'd rather follow my Dr original advice...but at some point as I take out the potential other causes it might be the only factor.

I think trying a lower TV show might be helpful. American dad has a lot of singing and screaming. It could be disrupting my ability to fall asleep or stay asleep. Technically I could be falling asleep quickly and waking up minutes later bc of a loud sound....

Or maybe it's just my circadian rhythm being thrown off. IDFK but I'm weighting every potential cause.

[coridallasmultipass]

Vent personal medical long post

Im so fucking sick of being in such bad back pain, nothing is going right for me

I was ready to go to the store for groceries bright and early, but I have to wait for a medication delivery which usually comes between 10-12. This means I have to be sitting downstairs the entire time, since I physically cannot reach the door fast enough if im in my upstairs room. (Even when I'm not injured, its been a problem!)

My mom, grandpa, and I all need the store. But I can't go, even if we take two trips (mom takes grandpa, comes back and takes me), because in the past when we had to do this, granpda decided to go hang out in the garage and not notice the delivery. So i HAVE to be home and ready until it arrives.

Its fucking bullshit that the online pharmacy REQUIRES signature for delivery (they didnt for my first couple shipments, ive been on this med for a while now). Its an ability issue because the delivery people dont wait around more than like 30 seconds. Its a convenience issue because then I have to block out my whole day just in case they come late. (I took a chance and made a phone appointment for 240pm).

So i wait all fucking day. 240 rolls around (my mom downstairs said shed listen for the delivery) and id been waiting in the only place i Know gets cell reception in my room and i dont get the call. 15 minutes later, I get a voicemail notif. Fucking great. I never got the call because i live in a fucking deadzone. I have to get up and lean over my counter and plants to get mildly better reception by the window (i am injured and this was extremely painful for my back). Appointment finished thankfully, but i didnt tell the psych how bad i am rn, because i did not have the energy to stand at the window longer than needed to get refills.

Still no delivery. My mom takes grandpa to the store. My back is all aggravated from sitting on the hard/no back support chairs downstairs all day (i cant go to the couch because its too hard to get up from while im hurting/its hard even when im not hurting because its got the footstool added onto it so its like as long as a bed)

So i sit downstairs more while crying because the pain is getting worse, but no one else was home so i had to. They return and my mom is like 'okay lemme take you now' uh, no!! Grandpa isnt gonna sit around for it. And also. Im hurting way too much, i physically cannot go to a grocery store at this point after sitting with no back support all day and twisting over my plants for the phone.

Mom says shell listen for the door again bc i cannot sit downstairs any more. I get maybe 5 minutes and my back starts to relax a little and my mom comes and goes 'i gotta go get gas so i cant listen for the door'

FUCK, MAN. WHY DIDNT YOU DO IT WHILE YOU GOT GROCERIES?! To top it off, she pushed in the chair i was sitting in (its extremely painful to twist! So pulling it out to sit is super hard for me!) I sit there and its unfuckingbearable i see a ups truck drive around our private street and leave, so theyre probably not coming today, and im in excruciating pain so i go back to my room crying and shaking lmao

My mom gets annoyed with me for complaining about the chair (AGAIN!) And rolls her eyes when i say she shouldve got gas before, like

Fuck off man i am in such bad pain i should be in the fucking er right now

If id known id be downstairs all day i wouldve taken a pain killer but its too fucking late in the day for me to take one now because i gotta take 2 different sleeping meds to get any sleep at all and i dont want them to interact

I fucking hate everything about this man

Oh, and i was gonna contact verizon support about being in a deadzone but it was like "lets fix dropped calls. We recommend: Call us now!" DID YOU NOT SEE THE PART ABOUT DROPPED CALLS. The only other option was to instant message and i dont have the spoons for that right now, i just wanted to send like an email ticket or something

Im supposed to be in a 5g area but its literally a deadzone in my whole house and property, no bars of reception at all, and this isnt a mountainous part of town! Ughhhh

I hate not having the ability to do all of this normally, having an injury is making everything Nightmare Mode difficulty. Having tmj treatment (teeth aligners and mouth guard) is making eating a Nightmare Mode task. Even chewing soft ramen was excruciating. I cant physically cook because of my back and im out of easy food (see: planned grocery trip for today which never happened) so its like. Okay. Guess im not having dinner. Especially not after how badly my back got aggravated today.

And guess what. Im gonna have to do it all again tomorrow now since the delivery isnt gonna happen today. Ill take a painkiller tomorrow, but the uncomfortable chairs is a fact of life i will not be able to escape, since i HAVE to be able to reach the door in like 30 seconds.

All of this couldve been prevented if theyd just let me get a no signature delivery. Its a private street no one comes all the way up to our house, like the only mail theft we had was at the mailboxes on the main street (before we got a locked one).

I COULD call the pharmacy next time to ask, but then were back to the issue of trying to make a phonecall from this house! I had issues last month where i couldnt log in to order my rx because they wanted 2fa and because i live in a dead zone i couldnt get the confirmation texts or calls! It SUCKS. (And i cant do wifi calling because our internet is shit and has like a 5 second lag)

Life has been so fucking miserable for me for like the past 2 months and the last 2 weeks have been even worse because of my back going out and its not getting better.

I cant get into physical therapy because the local place isnt accepting new patients! So like. Thats great. Dunno what i can do about that since i cant go out of town.

Im seeing the chiro but i couldnt get in today because i had the rx delivery and phone appointment lmao (also i was really hurting after the last visit)

Guess im just supposed to suffer lmao

This shit is fucking ridiculous and im so sick of it

The sad thing is that it could be worse. Its been a few months since my last endo flare up and i havent been able to stop worrying about that looming spectre either

That really would be the fucking cherry on top lmao

But the back injury situation is sadder because its something that CAN be treated, its just that treatment is unattainable for me due to living in a small rural town and not having a car. I dunno if i even could drive in this much pain tbh its hard enough being a passenger

So thats my vent. Things really fucking suck for me rn. I just want today to be over. Im in too much pain.

[b0mblover]

jeeze

(im gonna ramble abt hawaii part ii loptson)

hhgghh originally i had planned it to only take amybe a month or two but now im starting to rethink it bc i just /cant/

ive uh, mentally been going back and fourth with my emotions, and uh honestly, my mental health has been kinda poor lately so if i keep trying to do this when i dont have any real soild idea (as usual) its only gonna make me worse off,

i cant really say how i want this irl time wise to go (months etc) bc well, my drawing isnt really consistent, but as of right now im thinking around 1-2 a month?

tho yk, i could wake up tmrw and have all the motivation in the world or absolutely none!

i still really fucking am having brainrot abt it and i dont /plan/ on abandoning the idea (tho yk how that goes) but i also really dont wanna get burntout,

(as of posting) i actually have a good bit to do irl, collage shit, i have to choose new classes today, i have to get my school portfolio done, i have to get my art portfolio done (which is purely me with no help, its gonna suck) i really cant give off alot of info esp on public but its more than likely by 11:30 am today my father is gonna be out of a job, I STILL NEED TO BRUSH MY DAMN TEETH 😭😭 how have i forgotten its almost 10-

i dont wanna put art on the backburner for multiple reasons but uh, ill probably have to slow up my pace at least for a little bit,

on a slightly different note;

i just cannot figure out what to draw ;-;

i really was having alot of fun with the hand tef sheet tbh but uh, yk, i actually like doing more than that (it bothers me if i dont draw something “proper”) i uh know im not really a background artist in the slightest but i had an idea and i might just go with it for the time being, or something? hhhhh i dont really know

ig i shouldnt force it, it doesnt ever work out when i do anyways

hhgh sorry not sorry for the ramble, this just wouldve made no sense on my main

[sotiriabellou]

its 2:30 am there um are you ok do you need me to throw my melatonin bottle eastward

lmao its 2:44 rn but yeah.well actually this is pretty early for my standards i usually go to bed at 5:00-7:00 am and wake up early in the afternoon.ive been trying to cut it out but tbh ive been getting worse and its like a really bad pattern but my sleeping schedule has been really fucked up ever since the pandemic and now that i dont live with my parents to put some pressure on me its bad again.its not even difficult for me to fall asleep, it usually takes me like a few minutes, i just cant sleep bc i wake up late so i have energy bursts at midnight

[lostinatrainofthoughts]

Girlies im here to update on my tinder adventures. i had my 2nd call with another tinder dude. It lasted two hours 😃

Hes okay! But maybe i am picky dear Allah please so help me but theres just something about him that gives me the ick. Well not ick but like eh... he might not be the one.

heavy smoker: wont smoke in front of me out of courtesy but doesnt believe the science that inhaling toxin can legit kill you all bcause his grandma whos also a heavy smoker died of something else and not cancer. Like he doesnt care about the consequences at all.

2. privileged af and so ignorant about it: hes travelled once for a month last dec and will be traveling again THRICE this yr and he thinks that going for umrah is not a vacation/“travelling” bc its a spiritual journey like do you hear yourself and how in your bubble you are. Anything thats going out of the country for something thats not work AND going for a peace of mind is VACATION. his mom shops for branded stuff and he gets bored waiting around and sitting inside the store. Like some of us wouldnt even dream of stepping in. and i told him honestly, do you know how privileged you sound (entitled actually) and he said what do you mean?? and I'm like most people don't get to experience going out like that. and he was like yeah I'm thankful, grateful. mmm......

3. mansplainer (biggest ICK): he said hed bring me outdoors and i told him i cant and i dont like it and he said that he will force me but will bring an umbrella. Then i told him i have eczema and he gaslit me saying IT CANT BE THAT BAD. HIS EX HAD IT WORSE IT WAS SEVERE And i was so pissed. And so i said. Well. I had been admitted three fucking times for it and was on 4 different medications for it and going to biweekly appointments and blood tests and so i said im SURE. CERTAIN that i have it MUCH WORSE than your ex. he did not spare me a breath and came up with his own conclusion. also he says that eczema HAS A CURE. HES CERTAIN OF IT. bc he's saw it in his ex. and I'm like ............................ i had it since i was a baby. the fuck you mean there's a cure. there are treatments for it okay but not cure. i hate when people who don't have eczema say nonsense like that.

Which brings me to point no. 3: religious. Nothing nothing NOTHING wrong with someone who’s religious, i am a practicing muslim. I pray 5 times a day and i value my relationship with god too. But what i dont like is how he pushes his personal religious values or agenda onto me like i dont know shit. Your relationship with god, and my relationship with god is no ones business, its your own so dont try to police how i do it with god. Like i told him i “had” to quickly pray before calling him. And he stopped me saying i shouldnt say “had to” bc that would mean being forced/its an obligation so i have to change that bc “context is everything”. Like its something to fix. i really HAD to make it quick or else i wouldnt know what time i'd be praying.

4. With that being said, he is also homo/phobic..................... well yes and no? i don't know. he said he doesn't want to talk about it bc its controversial and he is against t/rans ppl and its changing the essence of what god has created for you. i just don't like that argument because . if there's one thing you cant change about me, it's my morals.

5. hes so into himself that he was basically pitching himself like a project. but ok, its my fault, i asked. but was there any reciprocation? did he ask me back about me? not really. i found myself having to jump in and add in what i had to say. he would say things like, I've been through a lot, you have no idea. and I'm like don't we all??? you arent the only one whos experienced the lows of life. you arent the only one who had a hard time.

6. his approaching his 30s and he treats me like I'm a kid bc I'm 26? "oh huwaina you still so young. when the pandemic hit, it was like 3 fucking years of my youth taken away from me now I'm almost 30" and i jumped in and said like "yeah me too" and he was like "no, I've already reached 30, there's no more 20s for me but you do. you still have time to experience things and enjoy life. i was 21, 22, 23 when covid happened i felt like i didn't experience the life i was supposed to at my early 20s. also does life end at 30 ladies and gents? he keeps telling me how gen z i am, and I'm like okay????????????

7. HES NOT GOOD LOOKING IM SORRY I SWIPED BC HE SEEMED LIKE HE HAD PERSONALITY 🧎‍♀️🧎‍♀️🧎‍♀️

[foxtriestobiteandmaimandkilland]

Yknow smth ive realised is depression makes my imagination so much worse. Like, when i am well and good i can imagine things likeee. Real fuckin well. Sometimes theres bits that r difficult like 4 example if in a book i imagine a house 2 have a certain layout for like half the story but then that layout gets disproven by smth said like 30 chapters in or smth i find it difficult to just change how i imagine it. But usually i can picture things p fucking well and have a clear image of most things in my head (other than faces i cant do faces but thats unrelated). But when ive had worse days, that imagination sorta falters and picturing things gets more difficult. Ill lose track of podcasts n shit bc i spend ages dwelling on trying to imagine what smth looks like and oh look ive missed important dialogue stuff oopsies. But its not anything that actively stops me really things r just more difficult. Oh and also w art, when im all good i can usually daydream a lot and come up w random art ideas or story ideas. Whether i can then acrually DRAW them for realsies is an entirelt different story but thats got nothing 2 do w my ability to IMAGINE IT only good ol art being art. But yea the thing is when im doing a bit worse its usually a lot harder 2 come up w ideas and i instead will resort to making art of things ive already done or trying 2 do still lifes n shit that doesn't need my imagination. But then when shit gets REALLL bad. Like i can barely get out of bed bad. And also i literally am just waiting out every day bad. My imagination is just Gone. Like not even worse i just cant fucking imagine shit. And i remember for months i just. Didnt draw anything. When things were bad. But then when things got worse i started drawing again but with absolutelt 0 imagination. I just kept drawing the same things over and over and over. Bc my brain felt so dead and so focused on just whatever my depressed brain decided to focus on. That my imagination just fucking disappeared. Usually i like thinking of littke stories n shit yjnow 4 fun. But then during that time i just couldnt think of ANYTHING. everyone talks abt depression being stuck in ur own head but for me it wasnt like that. Its like. Being stuck so much outside of ur own head. But then also w the isolation i put myself thru i was also stuck outside the outside world. So i was just fucking stuck in my room and that was it. Literally everything was just my room. Bc my imagination was just fucking gone. Butttt when summer rolled around and i stopped being stuck in my pit, i could imagine things more. I havent done much more art but ive definitely done less vent art. Ive had more art ideas and ive started seeing colour palettes in plants again. I can vaguely picture things in descriptions now (altho its still veryyyy abstract sometimes bc i cannot focus 4 the life of me). And just like. I can fuckin imagine things again bc im not so incredibkt depressed. Andddd yea not so sure what the point of this post is supposed to be but yea. Imagination is like the basis of humanity and when things get Bad u cant do that shit anymore and it fucking sucks and yea.