#and just generally once March and all my BIG responsibilities are over

[starbuck]

where did my productive phase go? i miss her…

[watatsumiis]

MCDONALD'S! MCDONALD'S!

Ok ok hear me out - the characters, with you demanding a happy meal.

Sips out

JKDSHFKJF wait this idea is so funny and silly. I love it.

you didn't specify a character, so Harbinger rambles below the cut!

Arlecchino - Gives you the most incredulous look she can muster. Outwardly, she acts like it’s the most ridiculous request anybody has ever made, and all but turns her nose up at you. Once she realises you’re serious, however, she will begrudgingly pull into the nearest McDonald’s. The stipulation, however, is that she’ll make you order it. If that means having to lean over her in the driver’s seat to do so, so be it.

Capitano - Just wordlessly rolls up and orders you a Happy Meal. He remembers your favourite order and any extras you might like, and always knows which toy to pick for you (this is an AU where the McDonald’s toys aren’t awful). He almost always pays unless you make a point to hand your card to him beforehand and insist that you’re paying. Occasionally, he’ll order himself something small - an apple pie or a bag of those McDonald’s biscuits, as well as a no-sugar soda (he’s a weirdo who likes the tang of artificial sweeteners).

Childe - He’s entirely on board, he’ll do an illegal u-turn to get you to your destination if you so much as say “oh, McDonald’s would be nice right now” as you drive by one. There’s nothing that can stop him. It also helps that he loves the food from there. He’ll order your happy meal, as well as a full family combo for himself. That man can pack food away like nobody’s business. He’d also never say no to you when you’re asking for something so innocuous.

Columbina - Her response is always something along the lines of “oh my gosh, it’s like you read my mind!”. She loves Happy Meals, and collects all the toys (be aware that she’ll bother you into ‘donating’ your toy if it’s one she doesn’t yet have), so she’s always super enthusiastic and will go out of her way to get you your meal. Half the time, it’s probably her suggesting you go get Happy Meals a moment before the words are out of your mouth. She doesn’t even like them that much (she’s partial to the McFlurries), but she likes the toys, and getting to hang out with you, so it’s a win-win!

Dottore - Will launch into a whole big spiel about how unhealthy chain restaurants are, the ethics behind them, what their food is made from, what the meal you’re craving tells him about your current mental and physical state, the whole shebang. He sounds super pretentious, and will continue to be that way until you point out that time you saw him crouched behind the generators in his lab eating a Big Mac he’d reheated using the warmth they give off. That’ll have him shutting up and taking you to the nearest McDonald’s in a heartbeat.

La Signora - She’ll pull into the nearest McDonald’s with no hesitation, roll up to the window, then order herself an iced long black without a semblance of pity towards you. If you complain about it too much, she threatens to leave you on the side of the road somewhere. She will staunchly refuse to buy you a Happy Meal, no matter how much you beg and plead. Though there are rare occasions, when she knows you’ve had a rough day, that she’ll soften a little and get you your meal.

Pantalone - He’ll go into a rant about how fast food isn’t good for you, and how it takes advantage of lower income groups in order to pedal food that he deems to be ‘greasy’ and ‘unhealthy’, and give you this whole snooty lecture about it before insisting on taking you somewhere nicer. Though, he’s not entirely heartless. If he realises you’re just seeking out a familiar comfort food, he’ll begrudgingly take you to get your Happy Meal. Though, if there’s anything at all wrong with the order, he can and will threaten to go marching back in there to scold some minimum-wage employees (in reality, he’s always perfectly polite to them). 

Pierro - He’s not really for the idea at first. Not out of malice or anything, he just dislikes taking detours and being in unfamiliar situations. With some convincing, he’ll eventually fold and take you to get your food. He always yells way too loudly at the machine and grumbles about using the little card-tappy machine. He also has this strange curse where the employees will always give him the wrong toy, and you’ll end up with the one you didn’t want. Even if you try to remedy this by asking for the other one, they happen to get it right that time. It’s rather ridiculous, but also pretty funny.

Pulcinella - He’s super enthusiastic about it and will take you there right away. Despite his somewhat dark and heartless reputation, he’s very sweet to those he likes and adores spoiling them rotten whenever the opportunity presents itself. Every now and then, he’ll order the same thing as you, just to give it a try. If you pay attention, you’ll notice that he keeps the toys and puts them up in his office, like a nice little reminder of the time you two spent together. However, he can and will mispronounce things and the secondhand embarrassment is downright painful. 

Sandrone - She is the embodiment of the memes where a girlfriend says they don’t want any food, then proceeds to steal their partner’s fries. She may buy herself a drink or hotcakes or something when she orders your meal, but she’ll insist that she doesn’t need anything more substantial for herself, but once the food is nearby, she seems to realise that she’s actually quite hungry, and will steal parts of your meal for herself without even looking at you. 

Scaramouche - Turns his nose up at you and scowls, telling you that you can get it yourself, in your own time, and not to bother him with such pesky requests in the future. If you continue to bother him about it, he’ll threaten to kick you out of the car and leave you, but eventually he just crumples, and moans and gripes as he pulls into the drive-thru. He can be pretty snippy with the employees, but you wind up with your food nonetheless. He doesn’t take any special requests though, so you’ll always end up with the basic meal and whatever toy the person who served you tosses your way.

Please don't repost, steal, copy or otherwise plagiarise my writing! I do not consent for my works to be translated and posted elsewhere, or used to teach bots!

[prettycottonmouthlamia]

I shouldn't have to make this post but Nintendo fans are trying extremely desperately to position the company whose cock they love the taste of in a good light and are generally doing this by spreading misinformation about the legalities of emulation so let's go over a number of the fabrications shall we?

Emulation is illegal to monetize This has so far been one of the really big ones that's taken traction, usually partnered with the sister lie that yuzu was paywalling access to early access builds. These are both lies, and are untrue. yuzu is far from the only modern emulator to be monetizing itself, plenty of mobile emulators do it, but developing an emulator for money is entirely legal. We have pretty much all of our emulation precedent set thanks to a series of lawsuits in the very early 2000s thanks to Sony suing an emulator called Bleem. There's a lot to say about Bleem, but Bleem was a commercial emulator. You could buy Bleem, in stores. At no point was there ever a court decision that Bleem was wrong to do so (despite Sony's best efforts).

Emulating current generation software or hardware is illegal. This is also wrong, and kind of fundamentally misunderstands a lot when it comes to emulation. Once again, Bleem was at the time emulating current generation software. It was a generation in its twilight, but Bleem first released in March of 1999: the Playstation 2 was not out yet. The reason why current generation software does not tend to be emulated is because we do not really have the tech or processing power to do it yet. The Switch's lower specs are entirely the reason it has had an emulator developed well ahead of the PS4 or the Xbone.

Yuzu's early access build allowed people to play Tears of the Kingdom ahead of release date This one is a couple of different statements packed together, and while I'm given to believe there's a chance other games may have been playable ahead of release, this specific statement is a lie, and maybe the funniest one on the list because it's a lie that's not even backed up by the lawsuit.

The lawsuit is extremely clear in its language that it was modded instances of Yuzu that could play Tears of the Kingdom ahead of release date, not publicly accessible builds of Yuzu. Nintendo's argument here lies in Yuzu being open source: part of the lawsuit alleges that Yuzu is responsible for any and all acts of piracy done by its users, whether or not they used official or modded builds of Yuzu. This is, of course, a fundamentally fucking insane position to argue from. It is not a particularly uncharitable reading of this as an attack on open source software to begin with, as this precedent would make any developer liable for ANY illegal action taken by someone who modified their code. Supporting this, in my opinion, makes you an asshole and liable to be clocked in the fucking mouth.

4. Literally anything involving this screenshot.

I've seen this screenshot maybe three or four times with different takes on what exactly Illegal is happening here and I'm pretty content to just call it vibes at this point. Whether this is an intelligent screenshot is a different matter, but no one has been able to point to anything actually illegal being done here. There is already precedent in allowing one to make their own back-ups of software they own, even if decryption or bypassing copy protection to do so, which is a large majority of software. Switch games are not the only games that are either encrypted or have copy protection, and this is both not the earliest generation to do it AND its not the only industry that does it.

The only point of interest here is the date, which I've seen literally no one bring up, but this correlates into another point: personal piracy is still not something Yuzu is liable for. It's a dumb thing to broadcast, but it doesn't change anything material about the software.

5. Yuzu folded because Nintendo had a smoking gun

I, I just, I'm sorry this one isn't just a lie its a really naive and incompetent view of the faults of our legal system. If anything, the settlement seems to indicate the opposite. If Nintendo was sure they had Yuzu dead the rights, they wouldn't have fucking settled. Both parties need to agree to settle! Nintendo is actively interested in trying to set legal precedent that emulation is illegal, because Nintendo is great at saying obviously wrong things with a straight face.

This could be a reason, but remember, this was a civil lawsuit, not a criminal one. Civil lawsuits have a difference in how evidence is handled, and it's pretty likely that Nintendo just has more evidence than user does on account of being able to afford a larger legal team and having planned for this lawsuit in advance, regardless of how strong that evidence actually is. It's why most of the arguments in the lawsuit read kind of insane. Civil lawsuits are not handled "beyond a reasonable doubt".

There's also the fact that legal cases can be extremely expensive, even when you know you are absolutely in the fucking right. I want to link this video by James Stephanie Sterling as evidence of this. They were completely in the fucking right, and the lawsuit still took an incredible amount of time and monetary expense to argue, and that's against an opponent who you could reasonably confuse with a scarecrow. This is ultimately how Sony eventually "won" against Bleem. Bleem never lost any of its lawsuits against Sony, in fact Sony ballsed it up twice against Bleem, but Sony continued to file lawsuits against Bleem and its company over and over, until Bleem literally could not afford it and went bankrupt.

There's also the matter of precedent. If Yuzu had taken this court, and lost, it would be really bad. There's a lot in this court case that you don't want precedent leaning towards, and due to, uh, America's current political climate and judicial regime, there's a fair chance the judge would have just sided with Nintendo anyways. Settling the lawsuit, while to be entirely clear, sucks complete ass for Yuzu as they were basically eliminated, protects the sphere of emulation as a whole.

So what was the salient parts of Nintendo's case?

The parts of Nintendo's case that hold the most weight have to do specifically with the encryption keys used to de-encrypt Switch games, and how those keys interact with the DMCA. There's no legal precedence to back this up, this is thoroughly untested grounds. This is actually where the buck stops with the Bleem cases: this one never went to a judgment for Bleem and hence never established precedent.

There's a pretty reasonable chance that Nintendo had a chance to win the lawsuit off of the back of this point. This doesn't make it a guarantee, but it's the part of the lawsuit that's actually important.

What happened with the settlement?

Well Nintendo got to legally extort the Yuzu devs and their parent company for $2.4 million. This is, strictly speaking, chump change to Nintendo but I in particular hate this part of lawsuits with a passion. In addition, as per the conditions of the agreement, all copies of Yuzu that were released and in development under the purvey of the company must be destroyed, the company and its devs can no longer work on Yuzu in any way possible, and they cannot work on any other emulation software. This is why Citra also closed down by the way: it was an unfortunate emulator in the cross fire. This in and of itself, is a tragedy, since this is basically court mandated brain drain. Undoubtedly Yuzu will be forked and someone will continue development on "Zuyu", but the loss is still felt.

Why should I care? Piracy is illegal.

This is where I'm going to wax philosophical for a moment, but Frankie my dear, I do not give a damn. Nintendo could have had full legal rights to do this, and I would still be of the opinion that Nintendo's legal team are ghouls and shouldn't feel safe showing their faces. This is how I felt when Nintendo shut down Emuparadise. Whether something is illegal does not impact whether it is right. Laws exist in a state of being able to be both just, unjust, or both.

Emulation is extremely important in the preservation of gaming as an artform, something that the game industry is extremely against in all forms. There's money to be made after all, and attempts at making sure that games are available to play are often attacked and criticized. This is part of the reason I'm so against the existence of copyright law. It doesn't matter what the intent of a system is, but it does matter what the system does, and it's transferred an overwhelming amount of power into the hands of large corporations while largely screwing small creators over.

I do not believe art has a price tag to it. I do not believe that art can and should only be enjoyed by the people a company has decided to sell it too. I do not believe that companies like Nintendo should be able to throw their legal weight around and ruin people's lives. You should be able to play Mother 3 and Shin Megami Tensei without having to wait for their parent companies to decide they actually want to sell it to you.

Piracy does not inflict meaningful damages to Nintendo. Despite Nintendo's whinging, Tears of the Kingdom sold over 20 million copies in half a years time, something that we can estimate to have made Nintendo about $1.4 billion in revenue. We live in a game industry which does not care about its game devs: it's perfectly willing to underpay them, to overwork them, and to eventually let them go. Nintendo is not innocent here. They have a history of mistreating their contract workers, and I personally know that these are not the only allegations that hold water.

In short, fuck Nintendo. Pirate all Switch games until the end of time.

[pinehutch]

Okay so my Thing about Dragon Age is this:

Ten years ago, I was in constant extreme pain as I worked my way towards a rheumatoid arthritis diagnosis. I had spent the previous year working 12-18 hour days most days, between an unsustainable volunteer job and my daytime career. Sometime that fall, I started noticing that my hands were locking into fists while I slept, and that the fatigue was never getting better, and that walking was really hard, more days than not.

I tried to work through it, that first awful year. I mostly did, too. I had weeks when I couldn't walk unassisted, and months where I was sick all the time because we were trying different meds. I called the rheumatologist in tears more than once, feeling hopeless and like a failure because I couldn't tolerate some of the easier drugs. And in between it all, I worked.

On the days that I couldn't work, and if my hands would let me, I played Dragon Age.

I'm stubborn, and I don't usually watch or read or play things that other people recommend until the time feels right. Spring 2014, I needed something that would be immersive enough that it could distract me from my body but that wouldn't require too much complex problem solving. I needed gaming, and some very trusted people had recommended Dragon Age to me before, so I started Origins in March and by July I had played through Origins and DA2 and all the DLC I could get. Inquisition came out that fall, and I was hooked.

(It also was one of the first ways that I learned to distinguish between healthy pain and warning sign pain: I learned to put the controller down before my hands would be so irritated I couldn't use them at all the next day.)

So there I was, having the worst year of my life (at that point), and I got to fill up my brain with lore and distractions and become a hobbyist expert in the historiography and folklore and religion and politics of something that was entirely made up. I could invest, mentally and emotionally, but I didn't have to fix anything real, including my own unfixable problem. I just had to learn, and to play.

Dragon Age brought me into video games for grown-ups, and it brought me back to fiction writing. The first short story I had written since high school was DA fic. I came back to writing poetry, the love of my life, a couple of years later.

My life doesn't look that different from the outside vs what it was 10 years ago. I'm working out whether or not I'm okay with that; making big changes in your life is hard when you're chronically ill and have adhd and you work a complicated job with a lot of responsibility, but that doesn't mean I shouldn't try. I had expected that my general weariness would stretch over into a kind of Dragon Apathy - that there would be news and I'd say 'oh, nice,' and then go back to work and the other little agonies.

Instead, I'm delighted? Surprised? Fond? Something I loved and that I needed during a really difficult time is here, again, while I'm anticipating another sea change. The thing that brought me some happiness, some wonder, and some escape can do it still, maybe.

Anyway. I collect my favourite DA stuff at @free-smarcher. I always roll a rogue on my first playthrough. (In real life I'm a giant brain on a giant, clumsy body; my fantasy is being able to go undetected.) I love Varric Tethras because he's a highly-accomplished fuckup with too many responsibilities and because he's bad at his personal life.

When Veilguard comes out I will almost certainly, at least once, play it until my hands seize.

[jonfucius]

Great Star Trek Rewatch - TNG Season 1

Originally posted on Twitter 17 March 2021 - 6 April 2021

Star Trek: The Next Generation Season 1 is up next in my Great Star Trek Rewatch. As with ENT, DSC, STX, TOS, TAS, and TOS FF, mini-reviews will document my progress.

Encounter at Farpoint: TNG's pilot is the weakest of the various series premieres. Saving graces are John DeLancie's fully-formed Q, the McCoy cameo, the visual effects, Patrick Stewart's commanding performance, and the greatest tag line: Let's see what's out there, indeed. 5/10

The Naked Now: This episode would have worked better once we knew our heroes a little better (perhaps after "The Arsenal of Freedom"). Since we're still getting to know them, this rehash of a superior TOS episode is flat on arrival. Fully functional, it ain't. 4/10

Code of Honor: It's a racist piece of dogshit. Next. 0/10

The Last Outpost: Man, these Ferengi that allegedly eat their enemies must be as bad the Klingons or the Romulans! Uh, no. They're bad, but not in the way we've been expecting. The T'Kon Empire is worthy of follow-up. 5/10

Where No One Has Gone Before: TNG’s first great episode. Reality powered by thought is a classic Trek idea. Kosinski and the Traveler are excellent guest characters. I’m not the biggest Wesley fan but I cheer every time he calls out Riker. 8/10

Lonely Among Us: There’s just not enough story here to sustain an entire episode. Also, justice for Engineer Singh, reduced to a wig on a chair in one scene. The Antican and Selay makeup, however, are very well done. 5/10

Justice: 90% of this episode is hot garbage. The remaining 10% goes to Picard’s speech about absolute justice (something governments still struggle with), and Crusher’s grief over losing her son. If the Edo really were this primitive, would Picard have stopped there at all? 3/10

The Battle: Wesley’s smugness (and the weak writing for Crusher and Troi) drags the score down a bit, but this is a fairly good first season effort. Learning more about the otherwise enigmatic Picard through a Ferengi’s quest for revenge works. 8/10

Hide and Q: Q’s return so soon after the pilot tries to do something interesting, but it’s not an engaging story. 6/10

Haven: Lwaxana Troi is a love her or hate her character, and I adore her. Wyatt’s chemistry with Troi makes him a believable rival with Riker for Troi’s affections. The Tarellian ship is a striking design. 7/10

The Big Goodbye: While this episode is responsible (for better or worse) for holodeck malfunction stories, this one has a reasonable amount of tension. The reaction to Whalen’s shooting is an excellent in-universe touch. Redblock is effortlessly malevolent. 8/10

Datalore: I would imagine this was the first time people really took notice of just how damn good Brent Spiner is. Evil twin plots aren’t new to Trek, but this is a good one. Glad to see both villains again at later dates. 7/10

Angel One: It’s a sexist piece of shit. Next. 0/10

11001001: The visuals are striking, as are the Bynars. The holodeck scenes with Picard, Riker, and Minuet are worth the price of admission. A solid mid-season installment. 7/10

Too Short a Season: Fountain of Youth episodes are corny at best. A combination of makeup and casting dooms this one from the start. The Iran-Contra parallels come through loud and clear. 4/10

When the Bough Breaks: The Aldeans' plight is sympathetic. I just get the feeling that there's not enough plot to sustain an entire episode each time I watch this one. It's not objectionable but it's not oustanding, either. It just is. 5/10

Home Soil: Some very subtle commentary on the ravages of colonization gets lost in the "ugly bags of mostly water" scene at the very end. Malencon's death is somewhat gruesome for Trek (at least until the airing of the season finale). 6/10

Coming of Age: An excellent first season effort, with Wesley's exam and Remmick's investigation serving as the impetus for the title. Will we see Quinn and Remmick again? Time will tell. 8/10

Heart of Glory: A strong Klingon episode that sows the seeds for RDM’s sublime “Sins of the Father”. All killer no filler. 8/10

The Arsenal of Freedom: Confining this episode to a soundstage limits the scope and stakes of this one, but I do enjoy Crusher and Picard’s scenes. I especially love the Lower Deckers on the bridge. Some good commentary on the military-industrial complex here. 7/10

Symbiosis: Did Nancy Reagan write this stinker? A bummer that this was one of Merritt Butrick’s final roles before his too-early death from AIDS. It could’ve been a great one, but it’s just mediocre. 5/10

Skin of Evil: The first time a series regular dies…for good. The behind-the-scenes tales are legendary, but aside from the goofy oil slick monster, Yar’s senseless death (randomly, in the line of duty) and touching funeral elevates this episode. 7/10

We’ll Always Have Paris: I don’t know why, but this one works for me. I like the sense of isolation as our heroes track down Manheim; and the time distortions are fun, even if the science doesn’t make sense. 7/10

Conspiracy: This episode's shocking climax still hits hard over thirty years later. The unnerving feel of the episode kicks in from the jump and is sustained through to the chilling tag. A shame that this wasn't followed up in live-action. 8/10

The Neutral Zone: The return of the Romulans is dramatic, but the best scenes for me are in the 5th act and the tag. Picard's speech to the refugees is an inspiring summation of Star Trek, and even after an uneven season, it's hard not to be energized for what's to come. 8/10

And with that, TNG Season 1 comes to an end in my Great Star Trek Rewatch. Final score: 5.84/10. Highest score(s): “WNOHGB,” “The Battle,” “The Big Goodbye,” “Coming of Age,” “Heart of Glory,” “Conspiracy,” “The Neutral Zone.” Lowest score(s): “Code of Honor,” “Angel One.”

[odestasocean]

odesta week day three: free space

this is a new chapter of one of my fics posted on ao3! there’s some references to the other two chapters so if you want to read that first, you can do so here. but you’ll still be able to get the general idea if you choose not to. anyway, enjoy <3

He knows that he should be scared right now.

He just volunteered to be a tribute in the 65th Hunger Games, after all.

He knows that he should be scared because of the whispers he heard as he made his way to the stage— “The youngest Odair boy? Isn’t he only 13?” No, he’s 14, and 14 is a very fearless age to be. He knows that he should be scared because of the tears he saw form in Calder’s eyes— his big brother never cries. Except for the year that Finnick turned five. He knows that he should be scared because of the half-yelp, half-shout sound that came from his father’s mouth the moment Finnick raised his hand— doesn’t his father understand that he’s doing this for him and Calder? They’ve barely been able to afford acquiring this month’s supply of fishhooks. Victors are promised an endless supply of wealth for themselves and their families for the rest of their lives. He will remind his father of this once they join him in the Justice Building.

Finnick knows all of this, but he isn’t scared.

The Peacekeeper standing in the room with him might think so because of the way he can’t stop his leg from shaking, but that’s only because he thinks that his father and his brother are going to be scared and he hates worrying them.

He looks up as he hears their voices sound from outside the closed door.

Finnick isn’t scared when he notices the tears rolling down his father’s cheeks as he enters the room with Calder right behind him.

“Finn,” his dad says. He doesn’t say anything else until he marches up to him and pulls him into a tight embrace. “Why are you doing this?”

“I can win, Dad,” Finnick insists as he draws back. He puts his hands on his dad’s shoulders since he’s almost as tall as him now. “I’m at the top of my class at the Career Academy. I’ve passed every test with flying colors. I know I can win. And Victors are promised a lifetime of wealth. You won’t have to worry anymore.”

An expression passes over his dad’s face that Finnick’s never seen before. It’s somewhere between guilt, remorse, and a breaking heart.

“Oh, son,” he whispers. “You have to win. But not because of the money. Because I need my son to come back home to me.”

He doesn’t really know how to reply to this (because of course he’s coming back) so he settles for a nod.

Calder approaches him next and hugs him just as tightly as their dad did. “You’re such an idiot,” he says, but it’s not in his usual teasing manner. Instead, it sounds strained and sorrowful.

“An idiot who’s going to win these Games,” Finnick answers once he pulls away.

“I hope so,” Calder replies quietly. The way he won’t let go of Finnick’s arm makes him start to think that maybe this was all a bad idea because while he might be fearless, his dad and brother have never looked so petrified.

“I’ll be home sooner than you think,” Finnick says with a grin, attempting to uplift the mood. He hates, hates, hates how their eyes look like they’re trying to memorize every inch of his face.

His dad pulls him and Calder into another hug in response.

Finnick doesn’t draw back until he hears a familiar shout of his name coming from the hallway.

“Finnick!” Annie yells as she comes barreling into the room. Her eyes are wide and her hair is awry which causes an image of their first meeting from seven years ago to form in Finnick’s mind.

Except curiosity doesn’t heighten her expression. This time it’s terror.

She runs up to him and nearly knocks him over as her arms go around him with her face pressed against his chest. “You can’t go,” she says. “You can’t.”

“Don’t worry, I’m going to win, Annie,” he reassures. Why do the three people he cares most about in this world seem so fearful all of a sudden? Annie’s always shared his fearlessness. She’s never been scared, just like him. Except for those few months after his eleventh birthday that they don’t talk about. An immense wave of gratitude overtakes him that he was able to have his best friend back after Annie had convinced her mom to let them see each other again (he still doesn’t know how she managed to do that). He’s realizing now how hard it would’ve been to leave this room without feeling Annie’s arms around him. He doesn’t think he could’ve done it.

“I don’t want you to go,” she whispers and with the crack in her voice, Finnick knows she’s crying.

He slowly releases her grip on his shirt for her because he also knows that she won’t let go otherwise.

“Annie,” he murmurs while wiping her tears free from her skin. She closes her eyes and another escapes. “I’m going to come home. I promise.”

“You have to,” she replies. “Okay? You don’t have a choice.”

“I will,” he insists.

“I…” she sniffs and reaches into her pocket before pulling out a bracelet made out of rope that’s dyed green with a blue conch shell tied to its middle. “I made this for you. I was going to give it to you after the Reaping, but…”

Finnick gently takes it from her hands and slips it onto his wrist. “I’ll wear it as my token. Thank you, it’s beautiful,” he says quietly but sincerely.

Annie nods before embracing him again as her cries are muffled by the fabric of his shirt.

Then, all too quickly, the Peacekeepers are dragging his family and his best friend out of the room.

Annie’s shouts of protest are the last thing he hears before the door shuts behind them and he’s left with nothing but silence. He’s starting to think that maybe he should’ve been scared all along. Maybe it’s fear that drives tributes to win.

i’ve been super busy so far this week so i haven’t been able to read everyone’s else’s fics yet but i should have time tonight!!!

[adornesibley]

BEWARE THE IDES OF MARCH: a Newsletter

Reading: Vaesen: Nordic Horror Roleplaying, The Future by Naomi Alderman

Finished Reading: The Salt Grows Heavy by Cassandra Khaw

Podcast: Old Gods of Appalachia

Playing: Dark Souls: Prepare to Die Edition (PS3)

Making: DOOM levels and Zines

Writing: Project E

Word Count: 167578

TLDR: Looked at old work: liked it. Editing trenches: *cries in author.* Put trigger warnings on books, please. TTRPGs: I have a group now. Writing stories with others is sick as. TTRPG recommendations. Beetle Knight was funded fantastically. 

This month I decided to take a short three-day break from the editing mines to go crack open an older WIP that I last looked at about a year ago. I couldn’t stop laughing through the first three chapters and legitimately couldn’t remember what I’d written scene to scene. I got to feel the intrigue as a character picked up a shoebox beneath their bed, and got angry at myself for not telling me what was in it! What a gloriously strange experience it was. I likely won’t spend too much time on this WIP in the coming months, but it’s good to know that when I’m done with my current big novel’s rounds of edits, I’ve got a project that I’m massively excited for waiting in the wings.

Speaking of my current big novel. Let’s look at that word count. Seems pretty similar to last month. I have done SO MUCH EDITING. I’ve realized that right now, my biggest concern is making sure to correct errors, cull old plot points, and generally tighten up dialogue. I feel that I’ve been too focused on culling words and maybe the more important thing is making sure this book fucking SHINES. Besides, while I shop this novel around, I can be happily chugging along on my other WIP, so no wuckas.

I am part of a writer’s group which meets once a month. It is quite a large group with many people who flow in and out. It is a beautiful group and an invaluable fount of knowledge. Every second month we have a discussion topic. This month was talking about the ethics of being an author and how much responsibility we have to our readers in regard to the topics we write about. 

This led to talk of trigger warnings and the suggestion of books having them. (SPOILERS! I think they should have them) There were varying ideas on all sides of the spectrum, but there was one point made that has stuck in my head. Trigger warnings are just like nutrition labels. If you are allergic to nuts you need to know before you buy a product if it contains nuts, right? Trigger warnings are the same. You don’t want to be taking a big bite out of some delicious morsel and then suddenly you feel your throat closing up. Same same. You don’t want to put hours into a book, invest in the characters, only to suddenly have your exact trauma thrust into your eyeballs. You can’t unread it. If you have been honestly triggered before, you understand how it can be hard to stop that spin when it starts. And from an author's standpoint, you don’t want to turn off potential readers also. One scene that may seem insignificant to you, may be terrifying to another. Then they may never pick up your books again, for fear of said thing.  

Speaking of this delightful group, near the end of the meeting a friend was talking to a brand new member about TTRPGs and I just so happened to be carrying CY_BORG with me! We chatted a bit and I enthusiastically suggested I should and would run a one-shot for them, their partner, my friend, and another writing buddy of mine. SO I’VE FINALLY GOT SOME TTRPG FRIENDS TO PLAY WITH! WOO! I am thrilled about the idea of introducing these fine folks to all the strange and interesting TTRPG systems I’ve picked up over the last year.

TTRPGs are such an invaluable resource for storytelling. With a few dice, some rules, and a setting, you and a few friends can end up creating an entire world and a compelling narrative together, even if no one in the group is a writer! Now… if you are writers… well then, something truly incredible can happen. I think authors often think of the writing process as a solitary pastime. Traditionally, it may be, but I think we undersell how satisfying and freeing collaborative storytelling can be. Hell, plenty of fantasy writers started their careers (See Raymond E. Feist) dictating and polishing up their D&D campaigns that they ran with their friends!

And in the spirit of collaboration, I want to recommend some small projects that need your help! I’ll be personally backing these later this month when I’ve secured my own funds.

Budgeon: A digestible mini adventure zine with a VERY old-school feel. The art is all first person a la Combat Heroes, but can be played as a party or solo! It even encourages you to draw your own maps, very similar to how you might have played Stonekeep on DOS. (Big nostalgia for myself) As of posting this, this project needs additional support right now! Go give them some love. The basic zine is only FIVE USD. (And THREE USD for digital~!)

Thirty Horrors: A bestiary designed to be used with Mothership 1E. Let’s be real people, that means it could likely be converted for just about any system with minimal pain. The art is shaping up to be suitably uncomfortable and this project blew the hell up! They’ve reached heaps of stretch goals and it still has half a month to go~

SPEAKING OF BLOWING UP. Holy hell Beetle Knight did well! It ended up earning 22,898 USD out of the required 3,500. WHAT A SHOWING! I absolutely adore seeing small weird projects become more successful than anyone could have imagined. Certainly, it was more than the original creator expected as that final total completely blew past their final stretch goal.

Support weird. Support indie.

[daily-rayless]

15 years of Revya

Next on my tour of appreciating favorite characters, it's Revya from Soul Nomad and the World Eaters.

Specifically the female version.

February 2008

I started playing SN in early 2008, February, I think. If this isn't my first Revya, it's one of the earliest, and it's still one of my favorites. I see Revya as a very strong but very quiet, even passive person. She often lets people walk all over her – Danette, Virtuous, and then Gig – and she puts up with it because she knows someone's going to have to be the hero and take care of things. She doesn't much want to be that hero, but she takes the responsibility. And this sketch catches her during a quick break, tired but sword still in hand.

May 2008

Soul Nomad just delighted me. It's weird and goofy in that familiar Nippon Ichi way, but also darker and more complex than Disgaea or Phantom Brave. I played it many times over the next few years, most often on the normal route, getting different secret characters and endings, but also enjoying all the sinister swerves of the Demon Path.

June 2008

I also wrote a lot of SN fanfic, most of it centered on Revya. Writing and drawing are both excellent ways to figure out a character.

September 2009

Silent protagonists cut both ways. On one hand, they’re basic and boring. On the other, they give you a lot of freedom as a writer and fanartist.

August 2010

And Revya gives you some fun to work with. Through her different dialogue options, you can see someone who's brave and good-hearted, but often extremely unimpressed by all the bombastic personalities around her.

April 2011

The fact that, aside from a few situational changes, she's written identically to the male protagonist means she avoids a lot of stereotypical female anime character tropes.

March 2012

Actually, the game goes a little too far in that direction, and there are some dialogue choices that just assume of course you're playing as male Revya. But on the other hand female Revya is the version that appears in Disgaea 3. And I think in general the American fandom prefers her.

June 2012

She has a very cute design with her big red eyes and ahoge, but it's also shaggy, mismatched, rough – she looks like a scruffy, seasoned warrior, not a shining knight or an elegant sorceress or even a typical young anime girl about to start her life.

February 2013

And to go back to her character, while I see her as fairly calm, uncomplaining, carrying others' quests and burdens, I think when it comes down to it, she holds her own line.

January 2015 (pictured with Hakuno from Fate and Minako from Persona, two other female protagonists with weird relationships with people who talk into their brains)

She's not going to let an evil death god hijack her body. She's not going to back down from towering four-story monsters. She may save it for special occasions, but she's not scared to assert herself. And when she and the evil death god do get on the same page and actually support each other, they're magnificently powerful.

March 2020

The Demon Path shows us just how far she's willing to take her own power. And even there, she doesn't entirely lose her humanity, even in the final battles. Though once she makes the darkest choice possible, perhaps it's too late for even her to come back.

July 2020

I haven't gone over the numbers, but I feel like in general there are fewer female protagonists in JRPGs nowadays, even merely as female options. Or maybe it's that the ones that do exist are for smaller games and feel less visible. Companies seem less risk-taking in that regard. And while the gender of the protagonist has never determined whether or not I like a game, seeing a girl at the forefront does make a difference to me.

February 2023

I still think Revya's a good protagonist, default silence notwithstanding. She doesn't talk much, but I still love talking about her.

(my character appreciation tag)

[dance-in-moonlight]

Suptober Day 15: Smoke

On a Wednesday during lunch break, Sam Winchester found himself sitting on a bench in the school yard, watching his older brother Dean with a scowl. He was next to one of their mutual friends, Charlie Bradbury. Charlie was such a sweetheart, always kind and funny. If someone didn't like her, that was a big fat red flag.

Anyways, Dean.

Sam's "cool" older brother was hanging out around a bunch of older kids on the other side of the school yard, all of them smoking. Sam hated it. He hated the smell, hated that the others deemed it cool, and most of all hated that his generally responsible brother, whom he looked up to, ignored all the negative effects it would have on his health. Why was he so stupid?

"You look like someone stole your teddy bear", Charlie chirped, poking him in the side. Sam looked over to find her with a folder in her lap, drawing dragons across a math test.

"I don't understand why Dean's being stupid", Sam responded.

Charlie just shrugged, seemingly unimpressed. "He's a senior. Most of the people in my classes are pretty stupid, guess it's part of the teenage experience."

"You don't smoke", Sam pointed out.

"True. I don't see what it's all about."

"See?" Sam sighed and dropped his head back. "I hate it, mom hates it. Dad is angry about it. I think he just does it to mess with Dad, show him he can do what he wants or something. He's usually so much smarter than that."

Out of the corner of his eye he saw Charlie stop drawing to look over at him for a little while.

"It really bothers you, huh?"

Sam turned his head and quirked a brow. "Isn't it obvious?"

Charlie closed her folder and got up. "Okay, I have an idea. Wait here."

Then she marched off, straight over to the group of older kids. Sam watched as their heads turned. Some of the boys said something, to which Dean responded with an angry expression. Defending Charlie, probably. Not that she needed it. She proceeded to talk to Dean for a bit, who seemed to listen despite moving his head in an annoyed manner. Some of the other kids giggled, others listened with concern.

When Charlie returned, Sam looked at her with a giant question mark in his face.

"What did you say?"

She winked at him and sat down without a response, watching the group. For a minute or so, nothing changed. Then, slowly, Dean put out his cigarette, followed by two other kids. Sam watched as his brother split from the group, looking around the yard until he found Charlie's red mane. He came over with quick steps, a frown on his face.

"Are you messing with me?", he asked once he reached them.

"Nope", Charlie responded casually, picking up her doodles again.

Sam coughed, Dean reeked of smoke.

"Damn." Dean rubbed his jaw, staring into the air, thinking. Eventually he chuckled and reached out to ruffle his little brother's hair.

"Don't do that shit, Sammy." With that he turned and walked away, probably to find Benny and Cas.

"What did you tell him?", Sam asked curiously.

Charlie grinned. "I told him that I overheard all the hot popular kids in my class talking about how disgusting it is to kiss a smoker."

"Ugh", he responded with an eyeroll, "but it works I guess. Thanks."

[what-if-nct]

Bruh- big dick doesn’t always equal dominance. I’ve always loved the idea of being submissive as early as 10-11 years old. My sisters loved Girls Generation, and it began my attraction to older women. They were all so gorgeous and instantly caught me attention by surprise.

But RED VELVET- they started the kinks and fetishes for me. They were the reason why when I got my first girlfriend at 13, I knew what would make me hard instantly. I wanted to be stepped on and be controlled by her — I even whined to get her attention. Sadly, she didn’t want like a submissive boyfriend because intercourse was the only thing she wanted from a guy with a 7 inch dick at the time. Although I could get a lot of girls through hookup culture since rumours were spreading around that I had the best dick in the whole school in year 7-9 (around grade 8-10) (My dick started growing from when I was 9 or 10 and it was so big that I outgrew all of the boys by the time I turned 14 — even my Asian friends lol), a lot of girls wouldn’t want me once they realised I was submissive or I was moaning louder than than them or too femininely. Ever since then, I started feeling insecure with my dick and would even wished I had a normal average size. This even goes with the same for guys. Whenever I would make out with them, they would expect me to top them because I had a bigger dick. When they asked “why do you have a large dick if you aren’t going to use it anyways” or “why are you a bottom when you have a big dick”, it makes me feel ashamed that I would do anything to make it at least 3 inches smaller.

Once when I was 14, I finally had an experience with an older girl (about 17-18) and she was very supportive with my kinks and me being submissive. It was the best sexual encounter I’ve ever done for which made me feel more confident when she said that my moans sounded adorable — like a kitten.

One day, me and some friends went to a sleepover party and I was dared to play 7 minutes in heaven with my closest friend of 8 years (since year 1 when we started school for the first time and interesting fact, I just came back from South Korea over the holidays) and since he was gay and I was bi, I didn’t mind to do it with him.

When we got to the closet, I told him that I was a bottom and he was like “Cool! I’m a top so-” and I smiled because I was being accepted despite already seeing me naked. I must of gotten so emotional since I managed to blurt out a “really?” You wanna know what he said?

“Sam, I knew you were a bottom, and I accept you no matter what. I like topping anyways.”

This left me emotional, even when the 7 minutes was up. Don’t worry, he decided to suck my dick whilst fingering my butthole.

I then proceeded to ask if he actually meant what he said during the 7 minutes (because it could easily change since I’ve been manipulated a lot), and well…

“You’re my best friend, of course I meant it. Any time you want to fuck, you can call me. Bros before hoes.”

From around March, we processed to be besties with benefits until few days after Halloween, I wanted to change it up. I asked him to be my boyfriend and he said yes.

It’s our 4 year anniversary today and since we didn’t have a lot of time due to assignments, we literally had a date at the college canteen where we literally paid for each other’s chips and ate together at the tables. That’s literally our typical dates basically.

You are completely right, a large penis doesn't mean dominance and it shouldn't automatically be assumed from those who have one. It is hard to be comfortable with your sexuality when you've really only been met with an adverse response. It sucks people aren't as open minded and accepting that you're not what they expect you to be. I have been approached by men who are more submissive. Sense I'm also submissive it kinda doesn't work but I still try and give it a chance. But I'm happy that after all of that you've still had good experiences and you've found someone who accepts and loves you as you are and that's what's really important. I''m so happy you can have that, I wish you both many beautiful years.

[alsjeblieft-zeg]

043 of 2024

Created by sassybabexo

Do you know anyone who works at McDonald's?

Not in person.

What are your plans for next weekend?

Groceries and taking some good rest.

Do you know anyone who plays heaps of sports?

Not really, I rather know plenty of people who play just one.

Have you ever been suspended from school?

Not really.

When was the last time you had chocolate?

Ate some chocolate-covered cookies now, but I'm not a big fan of chocolate.

Have you ever been to a sports game?

More than once.

If so, what sport did you see?

Football. I attend all the matches my stepson plays, and the ones his kids play. (No, I don't like football.)

Have you used a sewing machine before?

Yes, my mum had one.

When was the last time you had a snow day?

Centuries ago lol. Just kidding, the last and only snowy day we had in this country was in March, I think.

Have you ever gotten in trouble for using a phone in class?

Who hasn't lol. But I'm from the older generation, times have changed.

Where do your cousins live?

All over Europe.

Have you met any of your second cousins?

Yeah, more than once.

Do you like the All-American Rejects?

Nope, not my type.

Is your computer slow or fast?

Fun thing, it had RAM replaced from 8GB to 20GB and it's still lagging like ell at times.

What colour shirt are you wearing?

I'm not wearing any shirt.

Have you ever faked sick to get out of something?

Nope, it's lame.

If so, how did you do it?

I didn't.

Have you ever been ice skating?

Yeah, as a part of PE classes. I hated it.

Who do you sit near in math?

I graduated school 14 years ago.

Have you ever had Werther s Original butterscotch toffee?

I know the brand and I like their candy, but I don't remember if I ever tried this particular one before.

When was the last time you wore a skirt?

Lol I'm a guy. I don't wear skirts.

Have you seen all the Shrek movies?

Yeah, they're funny.

Have you ever fainted?

More than once.

What did you have for breakfast?

I didn't have anything. I legit forgot about breakfast because I was busy cooking and cleaning.

When was the last time you went on vacation?

Last year, Christmas trip to my parents. And last summer to Poland.

Have you ever had to sit next to some smelly random person on a bus?

What's the question even. More than once, last time today. Ew.

Do you have any pets other than dogs or cats?

No, but I used to have a pet rabbit when I was a child.

What colour is your bed sheet?

Light blue.

Do you have a job?

I do. I was fighting hard to get back to it, and I succeeded. I'm happy for that because I love my job and I can't imagine doing anything else in my life.

If so, where and what does it consist of doing?

I work in a rolling stock company, so long story short, I build trains. I'm an electrician, so I make electrical components (including wiring control racks) and then install them in train carriages. Very responsible job.

What was the last thing you cooked?

Tomato soup.

Do you know anyone with the surname Matheson?

No, but I know two people with similarly sounding last name.

Tell me about the posters you have on your walls.

I don't have any posters. I'm not 14.

Are you the type of person who gets injuries often?

Yup. Mostly bruises, thankfully.

What does your soap smell like?

Chamomile.

Have you ever finished a whole video game?

I don't play video games.

If so, which one(s)?

N/A.

Are your siblings allergic to anything?

Most likely, although she's less allergic to things than me.

Tell me about a funny TV ad you've seen.

...wait, there's such thing as funny ads?? :O I've only seen the cringy ones.

What time is it?

19:54. Time to take my evening meds.

Do you know anyone with a pet snake?

Not in person.

Do you own a purple hoodie or sweatshirt?

No, but my husband does.

When did you last stay home from school?

I'm not even in school.

^ What was the reason?

N/A.

Has your house ever had a pest infestation?

Yea we had ants at some point.

Do you have any bad habits?

Is there anyone who doesn't?

Can you speak French?

We have mandatory French classes in schools (it's one of our three official languages), but I forgot everything lol. I would be lost without my husband, he's fluent in French.

Which one of your friends has great music taste?

All of them and none of them at the same time.

What can you smell right now?

Raspberry cookies.

What was the last movie you watched?

I don't watch movies, I always fall asleep on them.

What was the last CD you bought?

À NÉANT by LE MONDE PAR LE FEU.

Was it a digital copy or old school?

Digital because they didn't release physical CDs.

What will you do after this?

Probably either another survey or I'll go to bed.

[marmaladerising]

Sisyphus and Skin Care

A group of friends and I were recently talking about generational differences. They referenced something they'd seen explaining Boomers as mindlessly optimistic with an unchecked faith in old-school institutions, Gen Z as overall pretty pessimistic, understandable as we are bequeathing them a burning planet, and Millenials caught in the middle as aware of the failures of all the institutions that Boomers told us to believe in but hopeful enough, most days, to wake up and keep doing our little part. 

[Dear Gen X - I didn't forget you, but as you are likely used to, you didn't come up.]

I commented that we, Millenials, sound like Sisyphus.

For those not lucky enough to know mythological-obsessed tweens who keep you informed on such beings, he is the god doomed to push a boulder up a mountain every day- only to watch it roll back down once he finished. We had an accidental moment of quiet at the table, and then someone commented on the realization that I think was sinking in for all of us, that we would never see the better world we were waking up each day, voting and marching for.

Of course, we will see changes, some improvements, and some setbacks, but a world of not just equality—but equity and an end to the violence against our planet and ourselves—will likely be beyond the reach of our lives. So, all we can do is push our little rocks up the hill and hope they will accumulate to take us all higher as they roll back down. 

I live a weird, often hypocritical existence between conflicting states of believing that "consumerism is an epidemic actively destroying our world" and deeply enjoying creature comforts as a means to satiate the way the institutions I exist within crush my soul. Locked in a perpetual chicken or the egg, I struggle to live in line with my big beliefs, as I suspect many do.

It's why, while I long for the security and stability that money yields, I am terrified of the moral conundrum that I worry would come with it. How much is 'enough'? What is the line in the sand that it seems so many with wealth cross over regarding how one who purports to care about the world and its troubles uses their money? When does buying all organic to avoid harmful chemicals in your food, which seems reasonable enough if you have the means, slip into, "Well, of course, I need a vacation house/ yacht/ million dollar pair of pants," which I feel safe in saying are all unnecessary in comparison to the good the cost of them could yield. At what point does your wealth, which is power, demand responsibility to limit your wealth in service of the good? The unpolitical, unreligious, equitable good?

  I must admit in my most disconnected moments, as a working-class mother of color, I allow myself to fantasize that it isn't my duty. My role as a ferry through life for my children is my sole responsibility, or else my hall pass is to not worry about anything else. Surviving while shaping them to be self-respecting, aware human beings takes so much that any means to get to that end must be justified, right? So another mother's child must dig for minerals I don't even know the names of for phones made to break so I can call mine. If I can play such mental acrobatics in my conscious line of awareness, what are the mental moves of the billionaires?

Now for some skincare, I've been loving. 

In 2023, I started using face masks as a little treat. Nothing fancy, just the ones hanging in the skin care section of Target; I'd put them in the fridge, let them chill, slap one on, and instantly feel pampered. No mask was safe in my house for longer than a week, and I think I owe my daughters three masks each from slipping theirs on after lights out at night. 

I was obsessed and noticed how healthy my skin looked post-mask. Aware that I wasn't getting much bang for my buck buying one mask a week, not to mention single-use items are embarrassing, I started to search for products similar to the "goo" on the masks. I tried TikTok and Google, putting my writing skills to shame in having no other way to explain what I was looking for. I'd made my own hyaluronic serum after Target stopped selling my favorite Bliss serum with much success; however, this wasn't that. The logical thing might have been to go to a beauty store and ask, but my mental health wasn't up for an interaction with one of their resident beauty queens, so I just accepted that it was a mystery I'd never solve. 

That was until I was looking through Target skincare aisle absentmindedly months later and found this:

Versed Dew Point Mostiruinzing Gel-Cream. 

GEL CREAM?! What a concise way to say exactly what I was looking for!

And let me tell you- this shit is GOLD. 

I am obsessed. The scent is cool and clean, the texture is perfect, and a little—we're talking no bigger than a dime—is perfect for my face and neck. 

This is a desert island-level favorite for me, which led me to try the brand's dark spot remover, Versed Out of Sight Dark Spot Gel. A month in, and it has made reasonable progress on some of my most persistent scarring.

Another product in my current rotation is CeraVe's Hyaluronic acid serum, which I got because I love their AM and PM moisturizers. Before the Verse, I used the PM moisturized daily- and the AM on days I knew I'd be out and about. 

Honestly, I hadn't tried these before despite TikTok dermatologists insisting they were the BEST because the branding wasn't very sexy. I am a sucker for fun stuff, man- I'm not saying it's right, but Cerve packaging didn't look so different from Preparation H packaging, and I like pretty things.

However, after my daughter's allergist said the brand's Moisturizing Cream was the best for her eczema (since she has a shea, cocoa, AND coconut allergy), I figured I'd give their other products a shot, too, and I am SO glad I did. They do their job, and they do it well. The AM takes a little work/time to soak in and become translucent, but I mix it with my tinted CC or BB cream and concealer, so it doesn't bother me. I also use their Hydrating facial cleanser, which does a fantastic job of cleaning my skin without stripping.

The newest item on my shelf is the Neutrogena Hydroboost Body Gel Cream.

After how much I loved Versed gel cream, I wondered if a similar product existed for a full-body moisturizer. I have always hated traditional lotions because of how sticky, oily, or slimy they left me feeling, preferring to be ashy rather than any of the above. So, I was pretty excited to try this. It is everything I ever wanted in a lotion—it's lightweight, spreads easily, and soaks right in. It leaves a temporary residue on my palms that irritates my sensitive skin, but it goes away within minutes and doesn't deter my use. I've started layering it on my face at night before I put on my CPAP- don't judge, and it's cut down on my CPAP acne and line in the morning.

This isn't a sponsored post (though #target and #versed are welcome).

[borggolf]

Walworth County golf courses, ranked

Unlike Rock County, which only has one or two courses I would consider 'great,' Walworth County (thanks to Illinois tourism) is not only blessed with many good/great courses, four of them are listed in the top 40 in Wisconsin.

[Hawk statue (R.I.P.), hole 2, Hawk's View]

This ranking is my own subjective view of the courses I've played and how much I would like to replay them. It has little to do with architecture or course design and more to do with how much fun I had playing them as a mid-handicap golfer. I also factor in accessibility (how difficult it is to get a tee time there) and price.

[Hole 13, Geneva National - Gary Player Course]

Although I’ve only played it once back in 2020, my favorite golf course in Walworth County is the Gary Player course at Geneva National. I’m not a big fan of the other two courses at GN, but the starter that day was apparently in a good mood just before our late November tee time and moved us from our booked Trevino course to the much sought after Player. Maybe it was the fact that I had good fortune that day, but that round ended up being one of the highlights of the year for me. The course was in fantastic shape considering it was 40 degrees when we teed off.

[Hole 8, Grand Geneva - The Highlands]

The Highlands course at Grand Geneva is a great course with many elevation changes and beautiful views. I don’t consider it a difficult course (which is why I prefer it over The Brute), as long as you play the proper tee box. I was once coerced into playing the back tees and I ended up with a horrible score. Grand Geneva is generally very pricey, but every once in a while they will have a special where you can play for under $100.

[Hole 17, Hawk's View - Como Crossing, in early March]

Hawk’s View has easily the best public non-resort golf course in the county. I have not played the Barn Hollow course, which is a highly rated 18-hole par 3 course, but I play the championship course (Como Crossings) several times a year. Great views and elevation changes, true greens, and well manicured fairways. Not to mention the food in the clubhouse is fantastic. A round can run very pricey in the summer (over $100), but it’s a must-play for me in the spring and fall.

[Hole 17, Abbey Springs, overlooking Geneva Lake]

The first time I played Abbey Springs back in 2017, it ate me up and spit me out. At the time it was the most difficult course I’d ever played. I’ve only played there two times since then and didn’t fare much better. But it’s a great woodsy course and I’d love to go back, especially since they've spent $2.5M renovating all of the green complexes recently. Unfortunately, since they did that, their greens fees have more than doubled.

[Hole 16, Grand Geneva - The Brute, in December]

The only reason I didn’t rank The Brute higher is because it’s well known to be unfairly difficult. The course is actually ranked the highest in Walworth County according to some golf publications, but I rarely have a good round there and that is a bitter taste I remember every time I book it. On more than one occasion an employee asked me how it went - when my response was a defeated one, they respond, “yeah, The Brute can do that.”

[Hole 16, Geneva National - Lee Trevino Course]

Speaking of difficult courses, let’s talk about Geneva National. I didn’t find the Player course hard at all, but the Palmer and Trevino courses will have you pulling your hair out. Most holes are very strategic with many, many large bunkers. Add on top of that the very high price for the round and I'd often be sitting in the parking lot wishing I’d played almost anywhere else. Don’t get me wrong, the courses are possibly in the best shape of any course in the county, but they’re just too difficult for me to fully enjoy them.

[Hole 13, Nippersink Golf Resort]

Nippersink is a hidden gem resort course located between Pell Lake and Twin Lakes. Technically the entire course layout is in Kenosha County, but the clubhouse is just on the Walworth County side of the line. It’s a well manicured fun course with quick & true greens, but the weekenders ruin it. I highly suggest playing it on a weekday because it will be a 5 hour round on a Saturday.

[18th green, Big Foot Country Club]

I played in a drunken scramble once in 2019 at Big Foot Country Club. I was ecstatic to be playing at a private club for the first time, but the course wasn’t very memorable. It was pretty nice, but I’d honestly rather play Hawk’s View, Glen Erin, or even Oak Grove in Illinois. I would play there again, if invited, only for the fact that the opportunities to play it are rare.

[Hole 18 (from the clubhouse), Geneva National - Arnold Palmer Course]

I mentioned the difficulty of the Trevino and Palmer courses at Geneva National. What I didn’t mention is that the Palmer course is the more difficult of the two. Still, the course is beautiful and you finish holes 16 & 17 along the shoreline of Lake Como. Does it deserve to be higher on the list? Not after I factor in difficulty and price.

[2nd green (from 3rd tee box), Evergreen - North Course]

While there may be a noticeable dip in quality when going from the Lake Geneva courses to Evergreen, that's not to say it’s a bad course at all. In fact, if it were in Rock County, I’d easily rank it the 2nd best course behind Glen Erin. For several years I’ve participated in two 27-hole scrambles there per season. There are quite a number of risk/reward holes, making it fun for all levels of golfer (I scored 2 of my 3 lifetime eagles on the East course). 

[3rd green, Majestic Oaks at Lake Lawn Resort, overlooking Delavan Lake]

As my “home course,” I’ve played literally hundreds of rounds at Majestic Oaks. For many years I had a membership there and played weekly leagues. From 2018-2019 alone I shot 100 rounds there playing 3-4 days a week, so it’s safe to say I know this course well. With the par 5 hole #3 right on the shoreline of Delavan Lake, you’ll see plenty of wildlife on the course including Canada geese, ducks, deer, and bald eagles nesting on the 18th fairway. The course itself can get a little tight with its namesake’s trees often coming into play (as well as an abundance of bunkers), but it’s relatively short even from the back tees, making it not too difficult. It’s overpriced on the weekend, but during the week it might be the best value in the county. Also membership rates are very reasonable.

[2nd tee, Delbrook - North Course]

Formerly a municipal course, Delbrook has seen a lot of improvement over the years. They added an additional nine holes in 1999, totaling 27. More recently, $1.668M was bequeathed to the course, which was spent on improving drainage, better sand in the bunkers, cart path improvements, and a large net to prevent slices on the driving range from going into the parking lot. While all three 9’s are par 35, the South and Middle courses both play long; especially the South which has two par 4s that are over 450 yards from the white tees. Despite it being relatively low on my ranking list, I love playing Delbrook and I’ve carded my best ever scores there.

[9th green (from 8th tee), Country Club Estates]

One of the nicest 9-hole tracks I’ve ever played is in Fontana sitting just outside of Abbey Springs and Big Foot Country Club. Having played league at Country Club Estates, I got a real feel for the course. Definitely some risk/reward, plenty of blind shots, and all kinds of trouble for errant shots. This was the course that inspired me to (ask my wife to) buy my first new golf club set, and I scored my first eagle on hole #5.

Willow Brook is a quaint 9-hole course, formerly the Whitewater Country Club. It’s a decent budget course, probably more well-known for the fish fry in the clubhouse. The last two holes are deceptive, forcing the golfer to think twice before pulling out the driver.

[Holes 15 & 16 (from 14th tee), Alpine Valley - The Meadows Course]

When people think of Alpine Valley, they usually think of the concert venue or the ski hill, not the fact that it’s a 27-hole golf resort. Being in the valley, a few of the holes have impressive elevation changes. It’s surprisingly cheap to play there, but some parts of the course have serious drainage issues. The last time I golfed it, only 16 of 27 holes were playable and they told us to “play two holes twice” to make 18. They also sent people off on both nines, which caused a huge delay at the turn. While I can’t recommend the course, it is one of the cheapest in the county.

[Lake Geneva Country Club (from a Geneva Lake tour boat)]

I haven't played the ultra-exclusive private courses in Lake Geneva (Golden Eye [formerly Lakewood] and Lake Geneva Country Club), but LGCC is on my bucket-list. I’ve also never played rounds at Lake Beulah or Lauderdale Lakes (both 9-hole courses).

Many have asked if I ever played Hillmoor in Lake Geneva. Unfortunately I wasn't able to play it before it closed in 2009. Since then the property has changed hands a few times, but there are still no plans for development.

A golfer living in Walworth County is spoiled with many excellent choices, but most carry a high price tag (especially since the COVID golf-boom). I don't typically play the Lake Geneva resort courses more than once or twice a year, as I'm comfortable saving money playing the mid-level courses like Evergreen, Majestic Oaks, and Delbrook. I also often venture to some nice courses just outside of the county such as Prairie Woods, Broadlands, and Brighton Dale. When I eventually move from here to greener pastures, I will most likely not see the density of great courses this close to my new home.

[balkanradfem]

The basics of growing food

So, growing food sounds very intimidating, and in reality, it's something people knew how to do thru all history, and it's made even easier by new methods of 'no till' and 'no dig' garden. I didn't know almost anything about it until 3 years ago, when I got a plot in a community garden and started growing food with no experience. Still it went good! Here's what I learned:

The basics are as simple as 'if you put a seed underground and keep it wet, it's going to come out.' If you start off from that, even if you know nothing else, eventually you will succeed. The additional stuff is done to ensure success. The biggest actual issue of gardening isn't how, but when. When are you supposed to put all the seeds underground to get good harvest? For most of the plants, it can be as simple as 'Spring'. For others, it's very important just when in the spring you plant it.

Let's say you want to start your first garden, you want to plant some onions, lettuce, peas, green beans, tomatoes, peppers and zucchini. All of these can be planted in the spring! But these plants are sorted in 2 categories: Those who can survive a frost, and those who cannot. We call these 'frost hardy' (those who survive the frost) and frost-tender (those plants will die if they're exposed to lower than 0 temperatures). From the ones I listed, onions, lettuce and peas are frost hardy! It means you can plant them very early in spring, such as February and March, and they can be hit with snow and ice and be just fine. They can also be planted in autumn, and they only really start growing in the spring.

Green beans, tomatoes, peppers, and zucchini are frost-tender, meaning you absolutely can't grow them before the chance of freezing temperatures is gone. This is known in gardening as 'the last frost date'. Every area has a different last-frost date, so it's good to google yours to be sure you're planting these when it's safe to do so. For me it's mid-April.

Now, since it's a long time to wait for your plants to grow if you've only planted the seeds in mid April, people have found a way around it by planting the seeds in little containers inside of their house, or in a greenhouse, so they grow in a nice warm place on a windowsill, and are moved out in the ground when it's warm and safe. This is a very fun thing to do as you will have bunch of little plants growing in your home. Important thing to know about it is to use really light and airy soil, not garden soil, (you can use forest soil!) and to make sure you're not over-watering them and you give them as much light as possible.

Soil is another big thing in gardening, the grass grows so easily from it, but you can't exactly plant your seeds into the grass; they will get suffocated. For a long time people have tilled the ground to make it empty of all the weeds and easy to handle; however this isn't healthy for the soil, because it ruins the quality of top-soil, exposes it to sun and wind erosion, and it dries up very easily. Here are some beneficial methods of gardening: mulching and no-dig. Mulching means adding stuff like hay, straw, tree leaves, woodchips, pine needles on top of the soil. You're protecting your soil from sun, wind, erosion, drying out, and if your mulch is thick and dark enough, no weeds will grow in your garden. You are gardening by science.

So what does this mean for you, when you're standing before a patch of grass, thinking of turning it into a garden? You need to do this months before the actual planting, using time to your benefit is the smartest thing a gardener can do. You pick a patch of land and bring in everything you can on top: cut grass, hay, tree leaves you raked or found, straw if you have any, woodchips, anything that will stop the grass from growing. If you really want to build up your soil you can bring in compost too! All that organic material will eventually turn into compost and fertilize your garden as it degrades to soil. It's important to not mix it with the soil, and to only keep it on top of the plants. Mixing it will deplete the soil of nitrogen, and you need nitrogen to grow anything green. If you keep bringing in organic material for years of gardening, and on top of that put some compost as well, in 3-5 years your soil will become so rich and soft you will no longer have to use tools to plant in it.

But, hey, if it's your first time, you don't need to aim for perfection. If you didn't prepare your soil in the fall, whatever! You can still pull the weeds, dig around a little to make some clear soil, and plant your stuff! I've done this last-minute planting and it works just fine. Mulching and adding organic material is only the easiest, most scienc-y way to garden.

The next big thing in gardening is spacing and depth: how far apart should your plants be? And how deep to plant them? For depth, the rule of the thumb is 'twice as deep as the seed is tall'. But I've seen people pull various shit in this area and succeed so do what you want. As of spacing, I would also say, try out what fits for you. It takes a year of gardening to get a sense of just how big the plants get, and what would be ideal spacing for each of them. I decided only on my third year to plant tomatoes VERY far apart, because I realized in this case, one plant will give me more than 8kg tomatoes and it's much less work than planting 3 times as many plants that are close together. Peas seem to like to grow close tho, for some reason. Sometimes you can decide you want a bunch of tiny plants because you'll eat them young, so you don't space them on purpose, people do that with lettuce, leeks, spinach. If you want your plants as big as possible with as much yield as possible, give them half a meter and see what happens.

Fertilization is another big thing in gardening; if you add a lot of compost and mulch your garden consistently, you won't need a lot more; however there's a cool free trick you can do (if you're not currently sick): you can mix your urine with 10x water, and water your plants with that. And I really mean mix it with 10x water! Plants can get very fried by it and start to wilt if they're bombed with too much fertilizer at once! There are rules for this: use it when you want your plants to grow a lot of greenery, not if you want them to flower or produce fruit. This fertilizer is rich in nitrogen, and nitrogen inspires plants to grow more leaves! If you wanna fertilize them later in their growth, put a lot of nettle plants in a big container with water, leave it in the sun for 10 days; when it starts to smell real bad, it's ready. (you can also do this with comfrey). Also dilute it with 10x water! Don't use these fertilizers on bean or pea plants, or any legume, they don't like it.

Now I've given you so much info at once, you're probably struggling to take it all in, so here's a good youtube channel where I learned all I know: Roots and Refuge. If you watch this lady garden for long enough, she will tell you all of the secrets.

I remember being a first time gardener overwhelmed with worry; what if I fail, what if nothing grows, what if I kill all the plants, what if I have a black thumb, what if the plants die because I am stupid, what if I put all of this work in and get nothing, what if people make fun of me, what if I run into problems I won't be able to solve. Here are some of the answers to these!

A part of what you grow will DEFINITELY DIE. I can guarantee it, it happens to everyone, every single garden in the world has had plants die, sometimes for no reason at all, but in no case will EVERYTHING die. We all count on a part of our plants dying, becoming slug food, not doing well in general, and we always plant 30% more than we absolutely need. Even if you are personally responsible for killing the plants, the plants will not hold it against you! Plants appreciate you spreading their seed regardless of success, they understand that by trying multiple times you will eventually succeed and they absolutely want you to learn thru occasional failure. The answer is again to plant a lot, and it never ever happened that nothing came out of it. Most often, it's not going to be your fault at all. Sometimes the year will be good for tomatoes and carrots, and bad for peas. It's all okay! Because you just planted extra peas, and you'll get more tomatoes than you expected to have.

If you have the desire to plant food, you do not have a black thumb; the green thumb is in the heart that yearns to grow. You're not stupid if your plants die, plants die for everyone. And people are likely to come at you with million advice; listen to no one, try everything yourself. If they make fun of you, they're gonna look real stupid when you have home-grown food. Any problem you might run into while gardening is google-able! Or you can join a page of gardeners and they'll be happy to identify the issue.

The real main issue with gardening are slugs and bug-type pests, and that is a problem for another day because all I know to do is to yeet those away by hand and shake my finger very sternly at them. Hope this helps!

[salemwritesxx]

𝓷𝓸 𝓶𝓸𝓻𝓮 𝓱𝓲𝓭𝓲𝓷𝓰.

𝔹 𝔸 𝕂 𝕌 𝔾 𝕆 𝕌   𝕂 𝔸 𝕋 𝕊 𝕌 𝕂 𝕀

     ⇴ male reader [pro-hero]      ⇴ all characters are depicted as [18]+

↳ summary: You are Katsuki’s little secret, since he can’t be open about your relationship. Inevitably, all falls apart eventually when you want to attend the pride parade in Tokyo and you want Bakugou to come with you.

↣ rating: general audiences ↣ warnings: bakugou being insecure about his sexuality, an argument/fight break-up in the beginning but fluffy at the end, coming out, fluff

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“I just don’t understand why you won’t come with me?!”

“You know damn fucking well why!”, Katsuki argued back, his already loud voice reaching it’s peak. You had been fighting for quite some time.

“I just don’t know why the fuck you keep being so… stubborn! UGH!”, you really had to hold yourself back to not punch the next wall, thus you went away from the situation into the living room. Katsuki, however, following you immediately.

“You knew when we started dating that I… I can’t be open about this stuff!”, he screamed again, though became quieter at the end. His stiff shoulders relaxing a little when he sighed.

“Why can’t you understand and fucking respect that??”

“Look!”, you suddenly stood up again, meeting him eye to eye, “I understand, okay?! I know not everyone can be open, but fuck- Katsuki. It’s been almost a year since we started dating??”

You sighed and rubbed over your face before falling back into the couch.

“I just thought this time around I could already openly show my affection towards you.”

Bakugou felt guilty and bad. He knew he wasn’t easy to date. Always being cautious no one would see or notice. Always hiding. Just so no one would find out Bakugou Katsuki was into men. He knew he hurt you.

“I’m sorry, okay? But I can’t…”, he barely mumbled, then also sighed.

“Okay. Fine.”, and Bakugou really thought that’s it when you said that, but…

“And I am sorry but I can’t continue this relationship.”

And it truly was like someone punched him in his face and kicked him in his balls all at the same time.

“Wha- Wai- I- What?”, he stammered, ruby eyes widened.

“You heard me. I’m sorry. But I am done being treated like your dirty little secret.”, you said, and with that, you stood up and walked past him.

 ----

“HEEYY BRO!”, your friend shouted while semi-walking and kind of dancing towards you with two alcoholic drinks in his hand.

The music was loud. The temperature gruesome. But seeing so many people, proud and happy, made you also happy. It was also a nice way to try and forget what happened last week, the inevitable break up with your boyfriend… and you really thought you could give him strength to come out eventually.

“Thanks, Aki.”, you said, more shouted against the music, when he gave you something to drink.

While faking a small smile, you watched as he danced back into the crowd as you just walked on the sidelines, wishing that you could have brought Bakugou with you and just enjoy this moment. How much you yearned to just drink and be cute with your boyfriend during this parade so everyone could see and he wouldn’t care.

But it wasn’t that simple and it wasn’t your responsibility to force him out of the closet. But… it WAS your responsibility to do what was best for yourself and you knew you couldn’t keep on waiting.

.

Bakugou knew he had to do something. He loved you. And he wasn’t willing to give up on you or the relationship you had. Katsuki wanted to be together with you. He also knew very well that he shouldn’t be hiding anymore. He had been scared people wouldn’t want to be saved by him anymore, that his career as a hero would die if he was open about his sexuality, but… you had always been open. And yet, you were, just like him, in the Top Ten of Japan’s Pro-Heroes and there had never been an instance where someone commented on your sexuality negatively.

Maybe, he just lied to himself. People were much more accepting, even praising you for being an idol to young queer kids. But, for him, not wanting people to know you were together was safer than having to break up and explain things, yet… Katsuki was ready to get you back and tell everyone he loved you. No more hiding. No more lies. Just being honest and open and vulnerable.

But for god’s sake getting through this fucking crowd was almost impossible.

“Fucking Jesus, where the hell are you?!”, he growled to himself while hastily looking around. So many people. How did he think he was able to find you in such a big parade?

And it was so damn hot, too. Ugh! Why couldn’t he realize all of these things a few days ago, then he could have easily walked up to your door and talk to you, but no. Then again, Bakugou DID want to prove to you he was ready to change, so there was no better place than during this parade. Though, if he couldn’t find you, everything was in vain.

“KitKat…”

When he heard those words, a jolt went through his body, making Katsuki stand there stiffly for a few seconds, just to slowly turn around in the end. There was only one person who was able to utter this nickname without getting murdered.

You stared at him in disbelief just as much as he stared back at you with wide eyes and in shock. He wasn’t prepared to suddenly be found and not be the one finding you.

“What are you do-“, you wanted to ask, however, were interrupted by Bakugou sprinting towards you and into your arms. And it felt right holding him again – fuck.

“Wait, Kat-“

But before you could say anymore, he had grabbed your neck and pulled you towards him, connecting your lips in the middle of the streets while people were walking past you. Some even cheering and howling while doing so.

It was just a short kiss, before he pulled back to look into your [eye.color] eyes.

“I love you, [Your.name]. And I’m sorry. I know you deserve better, like fuck, look at me. I am trash.”

“You’re hot trash though.”, you teased him with a grin, thankfully making him snort and playfully punch you.

“I will be open. No more hiding. Life’s too fucking short to worry about what others think. Sorry it took so long to understand. Can you forgive me?”

The music was still blasting, the crowd cheering, yet, you heard him perfectly and it really warmed your heart. Thus, with a smile on your lips, you nodded.

“Yeah. Forgiven and Forgotten.”

So, you pulled him closer, your arms wrapped around his smaller frame as your lips collided once more, not caring about anything or anyone other than the man in your arms. And for Bakugou it wasn’t any different. He had never cared about anyone before, about their presumptions about him becoming a villain with his quirk, or him not being suited to be a hero, so why was he so hung up about being gay? Fuck it if anyone knew.

He wasn’t going to hide in any closet ever again.  

And as he grabbed your hand to march alongside you while singing and drinking – Katsuki knew it was the right decision and he would never regret it.

---

The next morning, he found himself hugged against your body while your head was snuggled into his pecs, which elicit a small snort from him. Yeah… waking up like that was something he had missed the last week. As he looked to the side though, Katsuki saw his phone blinking and lighting up wildly – something was going on.

And soon, he found out what had been going on. His agency was calling and he was tagged in way too many Twitter posts, because someone had snapped a photo of him and you yesterday during the pride parade, embraced and kissing. This was now going around the internet. But for once, he didn’t give a fuck about it.

Instead, he fueled the fire when he flopped back into the bed and snapped a photo of himself, flipping them off and with you visibly cuddling him. His caption: Just woke up like this. Happy Pride Month, fuckers!

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@salemwritesxx || do not repost, edit, modify or translate my works

⇻ salem.talks: happy pride month y’all, let’s be loud and proud of who we are 🌈 usually I believe baku wouldn’t give two fucks about what others think about him, but for the sake of this story I might have made him a bit ooc

[rwprincess]

Head Over Feet (Brian Johnson x Fem!Reader)

Masterlist

Word Count: 4.8k

Synopsis: What’s that sound? It’s another anachronistic Brian Johnson songfic! (Based on Alanis Morissette’s Head Over Feet) You’re one of Bender’s trash-punk friends and things change drastically when he brings the scrawny brain from detention with him to meet you all. Set up in snippets, your relationship develops with Brian, even if you weren’t really looking for a relationship.

CW: Teenage smoking (including reader), swearing, parental abuse (being being kicked out), sexism, angst and fluff

“This is Johnson,” Bender indicated the boy he brought along to your group’s spot under the bleachers.

“Brian, please.” The kid corrected. You eyed the gangly youth from top to bottom; in his sweater over a crisply-ironed collared shirt and khakis, he definitely didn’t fit in here with you all. You’d be called grungy punks at best. You didn’t think any of you even owned an iron and crisp definitely wasn’t your style. You blew out a puff of smoke, exhaling the nicotine from your lungs and shifted your gaze to Bender, wondering what he was at with this. He wasn’t the best guy, but pranking this preppy little nerd by bringing him down to your hangout? That seemed beneath him.

“You, uh, running some kinda charity here, Bender? We’re not exactly Make-A-Wish material, kid.” Scorch told the blonde dweeb and you snorted at the thought.

“Shut the fuck up,” was all Bender said in response. The rest of the twenty minutes of Brian Johnson standing there was of course, incredibly awkward and it was clear to everyone that he didn’t fit in. But that didn’t stop him from coming back a week later. And again a few days after that. And again and again until, well, that dork had grown on the lot of you. While he didn’t partake in cigarette smoking like most of you, he did take Bender up on his weed on several occasions and was actually really funny while high. He did weirdly spot-on impressions and had a sense of humor that none of your group had anticipated.

And, as much as you would vehemently deny it, you liked him when he was sober, too. He was incredibly smart and helpful and while his jokes were different without marijuana in his system, he could be amusing. That first awkward encounter was back in March, maybe April. But now you spent time with him without the convenience of school pulling you together. Now it was June and you sought to spend time with him, even without the group. Tonight, you were laying in a field not far from the high school, just the two of you. You liked to listen to him ramble on about the constellations and the myths about why they were named as they were. You remembered liking that as a kid, but you didn’t remember most of the stories. You knew you could ask him questions about the actual stars, too. Like, the science of it, and he would know. But you’d rather let him ramble and tackle one subject at a time. Even though he focused more on science and math, he was a pretty good storyteller, and right now that provided you with more of an escape than talking about the chemical composition of a star. When he finished his retelling of Ursa Minor’s story, however, he remained silent and didn’t start up a new piece of lore. After a moment, you looked at him to see what the hold up was, but you just caught his eye as his gaze was already fixed on you. Your heart started pounding in your chest because you knew what was coming.

“You know, we could go on an actual date some time.” Brian suggested, breaking the silence. You closed your eyes, almost wincing at the words. He was generally more subtle than this, but the same idea had been brought up before. It wasn’t that you didn’t like Brian. In general, you did, and in the honest depths of your soul, it was as more than a friend. But, every time it came down to this subject, you panicked. You had never been serious with anyone and the thought of dating was completely foreign to you. You had messed around with some guys before but you never had feelings for them. You didn’t know how to depend on another person, to have an actual relationship with them.

I had no choice but to hear you

You stated your case time and again

I thought about it

You sighed, your eyes still closed. You didn’t know what to tell him. Before, he always left it as more of a hint and it was easier to dodge. Now he was just coming out and saying it. Basically asking you out, so you would actually have to turn him down this time. The terrible thing was, you didn’t really want to. The conscious side of you wanted to agree and go out with him, on a proper date. But your subconscious kicked you into fight or flight mode and if you weren’t in the middle of a field, you might have picked flight and walked away. But that didn’t seem to be an option.

“Look, Johnson. It’s not that easy. Just...don’t waste your time on me.”

“I’m already wasting my time on you.” He pointed out, but when you took a peek at him, he didn’t seem upset about it. He was actually grinning about it. “We’re already wasting our time out here. Or at the library, or under the bleachers… So why not like, a movie theater or dinner, or my house?”

“Oh yeah, your mom would love having me around.” You joked, humorlessly. The smattering of times you had met Brian’s mother hadn’t gone swimmingly. You could read the derision in her voice and knew she did not approve of her good little baby hanging out with a ne’er-do-well like you.

“She’d come around. You’re different once someone actually gets to know you.” He meant it as a compliment, but you took it as your out.

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” You leapt up, indignantly and he just gaped at you like a fish out of water.

“I didn’t mean anything bad by it, I swear!” He put his hands up defensively as you looked down at him. “Forget it, I’m sorry.” You had victory, he dropped the subject and your friendship could last another night and you could try to pretend like he wasn’t right, that you two weren’t meant to be something more.

*~~~~*

You treat me like I'm a princess

I'm not used to liking that

You ask how my day was

For the most part, working at Bert’s auto shop felt worthwhile and valuable. Other days, it chewed you up and spit you out. It was hard being in such a masculine environment and not fitting into that type. Customers (mostly men, but even the women too) thought that you were less knowledgeable and handy than your cohorts. Bender’s teasing didn’t help that image, either.

Now you slid into the booth at Gino’s pizzeria utterly deflated and defeated. Of course, Brian took notice right away. “Rough day?” He inquired, pushing a menu towards you even though he knew you ordered the same thing every time.

“That’s not even the half of it. Why does Bender hafta be such a dick all the time?!” You asked, incredulously but sincerely, diving right into your problem.

“I don’t know. I think he thinks it’s part of his charm? Maybe it is. I mean, we’re still friends with him.” You nodded at his point, but clenched your fists just the same.

“I just wish he knew when to back off sometimes. Like, he never realizes he’s taking it too far and digging you further into a shithole.”

“What did he do this time?” Brian’s gaze on you was unbroken; it made you feel important, like your opinion, your story, was the only thing that mattered.

“So we got this old guy in the shop today. Beautiful car, so of course he was hesitant with me touching it.” You began and his eyebrows furrowed, already not liking the direction this was going. “And I’m trying to prove myself worthy to work on this car, even though I would just be doing an oil change, which isn’t like a big deal anyway, right? Simple stuff.” You looked to him to get acknowledgement to move forward.

“I mean, I guess. I don’t really know about oil changes or anything about cars. But I know you do.”

“Right, so Bender has to go and make a crack to the old guy about how they won’t let me near it and I’m just the secretary for the shop or whatever. Just a total dick move. But of course the guy believed him and laughed with him and sent me to go get him a cup of coffee? I mean, what the hell is that?”

“That’s not right. And you wear a mechanic’s uniform at work, why would he think--?”

“Because macho man Bender told him I was! He was more believable than me.” You sank back and put a hand up to brace your forehead as the waitress approached the table. You prepared to order your drink when she set down exactly what you would have ordered in front of you and walked away, promising to come back in a few minutes. You blinked at the cup as if it magically had appeared.

“I uh, figured you’d get the usual and you’d need it when you got here, so I ordered for you. I hope that’s okay.” Brian said and then looked away, suddenly embarrassed by the idea. Since he wasn’t looking at you anyway, you allowed your lips to twitch up into a smile threatening to break out on your face...but only for a moment.

“Yeah, whatever. So anyway, Bender…” you carried on, pretending nothing happened, but secretly cataloguing his gesture in your memory.

*~~~~*

The only thing worse than arguing with Brian or him pissing you off was him making you laugh. There were times that you would go home with sore sides and itchy eyes from the tears that formed while laughing so hard. Then you would always, always reflect on the hours you just spent together, feeling the warmth and butterflies tickle your insides and a nervous heat would prickle your skin as you thought about how happy Brian made you. He never pushed you to do anything; he liked you the way you were. Sure, he would drop hints here and there about how you should stop smoking or give you advice when you had a particularly bad argument with one of your friends, but overall, he just accepted you. And you knew how hard that was to find.

You had never been popular and when junior high rolled around, you accepted that you never would be. You found your own little group of outcasts who understood what it was like to be kicked down time and again, and now he had somehow joined that group too. You knew he understood how it felt. Even though he looked different and came from a very different social circle, he had been looked down upon by his peers all his life. You were guilty of judging him the same way when you first met him, but now you couldn’t imagine life without him. He was cut of the same cloth and you could see yourself in him, which is why you just clicked. And he was so kind and so patient with you. You tried to push him away dozens of times, to put up the barriers and the walls that worked so well for everyone that came before him; you couldn’t be hurt if you never got attached. Where most people gave up and only saw the cold, distant bitch you gave them, Brian always saw something more. He didn’t give up in breaking down those walls, and even accepted just being your friend. That made you love him even more.

Shit, wait. Did you just think about loving Brian? A crush is one thing. Having a buddy to fool around with is one thing. Being in love was quite another.

You've already won me over in spite of me

Don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet

Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are

I couldn't help it

It's all your fault

*~~~~*

Mercedes Johnson was all about keeping up appearances, but that didn’t mean you couldn’t hear her arguing with Brian on the other side of the door, about you. Again. You had known from the second you met her that she didn’t like you. She was instantly worried about the influence you’d have on her son; it was a common reaction from parents based on the way you looked and the company you kept. You would think you’d be used to it by now.

However, it truthfully bothered you more because this was Brian’s mother. You were hoping that she would be different and see the person underneath like her son had, or at the very least, that she would eventually warm up to you. You had no luck with either.

“I’m not comfortable with having her over at the house right now.” You could hear her tell Brian.

“She’s my friend, ma. Of course she’s going to come over--”

“I’m aware of that but you know I wish she weren’t. I would prefer that you keep the company of other friends.” The formality of her sentences while she was still cruelly putting you both down made you cringe.

“You don’t know her because you won’t give her a chance. She’s not that different from my other friends.”

“You have friends in the Physics Club, from Knowledge Bowl, Honor Students. You don’t need the association with a hoodlum like that or John Bender and I don’t know why you keep insisting on bringing them into my home when I have repeatedly told you no. I don’t want them around your sister, or even you!”

“Fine. Then we’ll leave.” You heard the door swing open harshly and Brian was motioning for you to follow him out of the house.

“Brian Ralph Johnson!” You heard his mother cry after the two of you. Brian held open the front door for you and you looked at him cautiously before rushing out. You knew you weren’t wanted there, but you were worried that he wouldn’t come with you. You were even more worried that he would. “You are not leaving this house.” Mercedes put on the most intimidating tone you had witnessed her use.

“No, I am. We are. I’ll see you later.”

“Don’t bother coming back tonight if you walk out of this house!” She was now pink-faced and losing all of the reserved, polished look you had seen her have. She had never been so...uncomposed.

“Don’t worry. I won’t.” Brian said and grabbed you by the elbow as he escorted you down the driveway to your car. He immediately got into the passenger seat and as you sunk behind the steering wheel, you glanced at him.

“Brian, this is stupid. You don’t have to---you shouldn’t do this.” The whole situation reminded you of the many times you had been kicked out of your house. This was just another home you weren’t welcome in.

He clenched his jaw in response. “Let’s just go. I’ll figure it out later. Please, just drive.”

Your love is thick and it swallowed me whole

You're so much braver than I gave you credit for

That's not lip service

“Your mom gave you a choice, you know. It’s not like she told you to get out. She actually told you not to leave.” You said as you both sat on the trunk of your car, looking out across the field that was slowly turning to a golden hue, both from the afternoon sun and the change into autumn. Neither of your houses were really an option to go to, so you just chose the empty field that you would look at stars in during the summer.

“It’s not like it was really a choice though, was it? I’m tired of her trying to control every part of my life. I need to start thinking for myself, doing things for myself. She needs to understand that I’m going to do what I want, and like who I want to like.” He looked at you meaningfully for a moment, but you looked away quickly. It was too heavy for you to process right now.

“That’s a big step. I’m really impressed with you for standing up for yourself.” You told him, and he gave you an appreciative, heart-stopping smile in return that caused your cheeks to flush. Your parents had shouted at you to leave so many times before, any time you were ‘inconvenient’ for them, that it was hard to relate to someone who chose not to stay. But you wanted to support him and you did feel proud of him today. You thought back to the most recent event in which you had been dismissed from your family, and how you had tried to take it out on Brian:

You slammed your locker and watched him almost jump out of his skin. “I don’t want to talk about this.” You growled at Brian.

“I understand that, but you need to. You can’t just--”

“Just what?”

“You can’t just act like nothing happened or run away from it...run away from here.” You had been disciplined at school yet again and your parents had had enough. You had a big fight with them the night prior and did not sleep in your own bed. The tiredness racked your body today and you were stiff from sleeping in your car. If it weren’t for the social aspect, you wouldn’t have bothered coming to school. But you quickly realized you weren’t in the mood to talk to anyone, and you were only making the situation worse.

“Like hell I can’t.” You stated, quickly turning to walk away.

“Y/N, don’t. Come on, talk to me. Tell me what happened. We can figure it out together.”

“There’s nothing to figure out, bucko. I’ll be fine. I’ll do this on my own. I’m used to that anyway.”

“But you don’t have to be alone, Y/N. That’s what I’m saying! That’s my whole point: I’m here for you!”

“I didn’t ask you to be, Brian.”

“No, because friends don’t have to ask.” His words scared you. Nobody had so adamantly offered to be a safety net to you before.

“Yeah,” you scoffed, “we’re great friends. We’ve bonded so much in the, what, four months you’ve known me?” You rolled your eyes, trying to make him feel uncomfortable, to drive a wedge between you. You only knew how to put up walls, how to run.

“You know we are.”

“Yeah, sure, right. Friends. Not like you want to sleep with me or anything.” You tried to drive another knife into him, to play it off like he was following you only because he had a crush on you, one you tried to pretend wasn’t reciprocated. “It’s not going to happen, Brian. So just accept that we’re not friends.”

He let you get about three steps away before you heard him say, “No. I know what you’re doing, and it’s not going to work. Sure, part of me wants something more, but...I care about you, Y/N. And if we can just be friends, I am happy with that, I swear. But don’t do this to me. Don’t try to shut me out or walk away or act like you’re fine. I know you well enough to know you’re not.” When you turned around, you could see that he had tears rimming his eyes, threatening to fall, which made your own tears spring up as well. “I am your friend. I’m not going to just let you go and do something stupid. You are going to talk about this. If not to me, then someone else. But you can’t just run away or sleep in your car or, or…”

“Okay.” You said, softly.

“Okay?”

“Fine, let’s talk about it. I screwed up again and my parents kicked me out. So what do I do?”

“Y/N, I’m so sorry. I...we’ll think of something.” He began to tell you, but you bit your lip and drowned him out in your own sobs. Everything crashed in on you at once; you hadn’t escaped in time. You slid down your locker wall and sat on the floor. Brian joined you and put his arm around you tentatively.

You are the bearer of unconditional things

You held your breath and the door for me

Thanks for your patience

After that day, you knew he wouldn’t let you go. You tried your best to brush him off, to hurt him, to land irreparable blows. But it was all in vain; he stuck by you. You admired how he stood up for you, for your relationship, whatever that meant. He didn’t back down, even though you knew he genuinely cared what you thought. He was willing to put everything on the line just to be with you, in whatever capacity you would allot him. And today, he had chosen you again. He had picked a fight with his mother and chosen you. He placed you above being safe and comfortable and at home right now.

“I’m sorry, this must seem so stupid to be complaining about. I know I don’t have it that bad, it’s just that--”

“No, your problems are valid, too. Your mom sucks.” You told him and he laughed, “But I would be lying if I said it wasn’t...weird to have someone be given the choice to stay instead of being yelled at to get out and that you’re worthless and---I’m sorry. I don’t mean to make this about me.” You said softly, looking down at your hands.

“No, I get it. It’s gotta be on your mind a lot, the uncertainty. Plus, I don’t mind talking about you.” He nudged your shoulder with his own, trying to be playful but you knew he meant that. He always put you first. You couldn’t help your next impulse as your hand shot up to cup his face and you leaned in and kissed him roughly. You weren’t entirely sure why you had done it. It would probably change everything and you couldn’t tell if you were doing it selfishly to feel like someone cared or to keep him around or because you truly wanted to. Of course, he kissed you back, and the feeling it gave you pushed a lot of those doubts from your mind.

You're the best listener that I've ever met

You're my best friend

Best friend with benefits

What took me so long?

*~~~~*

The kiss in the field still didn’t mean you were “together.” Realistically, it complicated things for a while. You avoided Brian for a couple of days and didn’t discuss it when you finally caved in to your desire to see him. He didn’t bring it up either, even though there were many times he would look at your lips like he wanted to make a move again, but you never talked about it. Things began to look “normal” after about two weeks. You spent time at the record shop, or under the bleachers with your friends or in the library with his friends. He nagged you about giving up smoking and you finally listened, much to his surprise.

“What made you finally decide to quit?” He asked, looking at the nicotine patch on your arm. You shrugged, not wanting to tell him the truth.

“I guess I just finally got tired of you being a broken record, mother hen.” You teased him, but he just smiled because he was happy with your choice. The truth of the matter was, you had done it for him. While you weren’t with him, you wanted to be. You didn’t want to keep doing something that bothered him so much, but you also knew that eventually, your habit of smoking would cost time with him and you didn’t want that. You lied to yourself that you didn’t want a relationship and weren’t thinking about a future with Brian, but you were. Every time he helped you study or encouraged you to do your best, the time your parents were out of town so he had made you his “specialty” of spaghetti in your kitchen, when you drove him around singing songs together on the radio...you thought about doing those things with him forever and instead of the fear you used to feel at such a thought, you felt happiness. You anticipated a future with him, something to look forward to.

I've never felt this healthy before

I've never wanted something rational

I am aware now

I am aware now

*~~~~*

“It’s kind of weird, yeah. But they’re cute together, I guess.” You had just returned from a movie with Bender and Claire. You were surprised at how long their relationship had lasted, especially since you had hated Claire at first. You assumed she was dating Bender as a statement, but it had been over six months and they were still together and it just seemed to work.

“It must be nice to have someone like that. Even if they don’t make sense, they care about each other. It just must be a nice thing to have a relationship like that.” Brian looked at you for a moment before backpedaling, realizing he must have made it sound like he was guilt-tripping you. “Don’t worry, I won’t ask you out again. I really just was complimenting them--”

“Well, maybe you should.” You cut him off.

You realized how rare a find like Brian truly was. He always put you before himself; he listened to all of your problems and knew when to offer solutions and when to just listen. He was endlessly supportive, and kind. He kept taking giant risks just to be with you, to show you that you mattered to him. You knew, without him saying it, that he loved you. Why else would someone go to the lengths he did, just to make you happy? You had tried everything to shake him, to get rid of him so neither one of you would be in too deep to get hurt. But he stayed, and now, you wouldn’t want him to go anyway. It was too late; you were both already in too deep.

He just blinked at you, sure he had heard incorrectly. “Wh-what?”

“I said, maybe you should. Ask me out again.”

“Y/N, do you want to go out with me?” He asked, unsure. It felt like a setup, but he knew you wouldn’t do something so cruel to him.

“Yes.” You replied, softly.

“Why?” He asked with furrowed eyebrows.

“I don’t know. I guess you won me over.” You chuckled, but he failed to see the humor in it, so you changed to a more serious tone. “Brian, I thought that these feelings would go away, that you would go away. Lord knows how hard I’ve tried to push you. But...you didn’t and the feelings didn’t. I-I love you. And I’m pretty sure I’m going to keep loving you, I don’t want to waste my time with anyone else. And...And I think that you love me.”

“I do.” He breathed quietly, with zero hesitation.

“So, why fight it any more? I was afraid that I would hurt you, but I think I’ve already done that and you’ve stuck around.” He nodded in confirmation of that fact. “And I was scared that I would get hurt but...but I’ve realized that you won’t do that to me, either.”

You've already won me over in spite of me

Don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet

And don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are

I couldn't help it

It's all your fault

He took your hands in his, “You’re serious? You really want this? Because, you know how I feel. How I’ve always felt.” You nodded in response, tears quickly filling your eyes, which was a rarity for you. He leaned in towards you to kiss you, for the first time since your conversation in the field over a month ago. He waited for you to be ready in every aspect of your relationship and you had never known so much love and respect before. It took some adjusting to, but he had pulled you in and made you fall for him again and again.

Just gonna tag my buddy...

@90sinequity