#and like the thing is im being harsh on myself i know that!!! i draw and go to concerts and do volunteer work and rock climb sometimes

[s1renidae]

always fun hanging out with my much cooler and more interesting childhood friends and hearing about all the shit they're up to and then they ask me what's going on in my life and i have to be like uh. nothing tee hee :) still unemployed and not in school and practically hobbyless because of chronic fatigue and executive dysfunction :) still obtrusively mentally ill and for some reason cant stop talking about it even when i don't want to and i can tell youre sick of hearing about it :) and then it's awkward for a minute cuz neither of us know what to say mmmmm literally someone just shoot me already

[megumi-fm]

18 day habit tracker

since the year started, days are passing by and sure I'm doing alright and getting stuff done but lately it just. feels like I'm whiling away a lot of my time which which I could spend learning or doing a lot of things that I've kept shelved for years. I want to make better use of my days and I want to understand how to kind of... develop the intrinsic motivation to improve my productivity. additionally, I also need to do things to take better care of my help given the harsh weather and my ankle (im)mobility.

so I've decided to spend the next 18days trying to be more conscious of how I'm spending my time and also trying to push myself little by little. in this eighteen days I want to figure out what my limits are (vs what I think my limits are) and I also want to understand how to stay consistent and maintain the momentum I need to keep going. eighteen seems like a small enough number to start with; from some surface web scouring it seems like 18days is the minimum number of time it takes to develop a habit. and coincidentally enough it's my birthday in exactly 18days so it seems like a good place to start

to track

🥛 water intake ⏰ hours of sleep +sleep and wake times 📵 phone usage 🍉 fruit intake +the kind of food I'm eating in gen 📖 reading

---

personal goals

🧮 relearning math my relationship with mathematics has been quite messy since junior college and it has only worsened through the past four years of engineering(with the introduction of multivariate calculus and Laplace transforms and whatnot)... it feels kind of late and embarrassing to start now but I really want to understand math better and enjoy doing it and now is a good time to face my fear/discomfort and start over at the very basics. I'm gonna start with precalculus and linear algebra

💃 dancing I used to dance all the time as a kid and then... i don't know what happened... as a lover of kpop choreographies it's heartbreaking to realize I haven't learnt nearly as many dances as I'd have liked to. The year started off pretty strong but then my ankle got in the way and... yeah... I want to get back into dancing both as a means to improve my mobility and as a means of exercise, and also because I enjoy dancing in gen... and four to five days seems like good enough time to learn a single dance so i hope to learn the choreography of atleast 3-4 dances in these 18days

✏ art I have wanted to learn drawing for years now but for some reason I just never seem to get around to it (the 'some reason' being my impatience and inability to accept that I'm actually a beginner) but yknow what. if I'm anyway going to feel bad about how poor I am at drawing, I might as well do it while drawing poorly instead of trying to avoid it. I've decided to use this youtube playlist as my starting point

🍳 cooking for someone who is planning to live abroad and live alone I can't cook to save my life, but putting that aside, the main reason I want to cook is that a lot of my favourite regional cuisine is centered towards dishes for the winter and I want to learn to make tasty + nutritional food suitable for this summer heat without resorting to consuming excessively sugared juices and soda in copious amounts

---

yeah. day1 starts today. I hope it works out. my weekly tracker and my work tracker will also be updated in parallel

[farmerlesbian]

hi farmer lesbian!

so ive identified as bisexual for a long time but ive discovered recently i feel very comfortable within the lesbian ideas of gender and specifically the butchfemme community. i’ve been dating someone recently who also identified as bisexual but has related to transmasc lesbians understanding of gender as well as posts about butches. we both kind of see ourselves within the butchfemme dynamic but i’ve been very tough on myself with calling myself a lesbian because i’ve dated a man before (…in middle school..)

it’s gotten to the point where i’m really worried to label myself because of what it’d imply for my partner? but also what people would say? and while i know i dont HAVE to label myself it just sucks to know theres an identity im drawn to and feel like i fit into that i cant immediately slip into

hmm i'm not really sure how to guide you here. i guess i want to challenge you on some of the things you're saying here, it feels like you're coming at this from maybe the "wrong" angle (wrong feels too harsh a word, maybe just not the most helpful angle)

you're worried you can't call yourself a lesbian because you dated a boy in middle school? i think.. a LOT of lesbians dated boys in jr. high and high school and there are lots of late in life lesbians who were married to men for years before figuring out who they are and coming out. this is all completely normal and common. like, dating one boy in middle school doesn't really mean much tbh. i wouldn't base your identity or label you use around something like that. i dated a bunch of boys in high school and early college when i was still figuring out who i was. your labels or identity or gender or sexuality don't need to account for all you life experiences and past. it's not so much about your sexual history but describing who you are *now*, what you're interested in, in the present.

you say both you and your partner really like Lesbian Genders and butch/femme stuff. that's nice, but liking and relating to lesbian culture and gender stuff doesn't make you a lesbian haha! it's who you're attracted to and who you're not, that determines your orientation. gender and orientation are different things, as i'm sure you know. obviously very connected and stuff. like, for example, just because someone identifies as a man it doesn't make him straight, even though heterosexuality is an integral part of manhood, in the dominant culture. gay trans men are certainly not rare! the same goes for you guys.

also, remember that transmasculinity is a broad umbrella and encompasses a wide variety of people and their identities and experiences. plenty of butches aren't transmasc, and probably most transmascs aren't butch.

i will tell you that in the course of running this blog and being on the internet, i've probably seen and shared thousands of photos and drawing of people. not once have i ever seen something that represents me and my wife. if you are seeking out representation or examples of the options to be, in order to figure out who/what you are, i would advise against that. seek what feels true to you, what feels honest and right. you do not need to be similar to other people in order to find belonging, acceptance, and community. (though of course this is absolutely nothing wrong or bad if you do find others just like you, if you do fit in to existing roles and dynamics! that is of course perfectly normal!)

now, i don't know you or your partner. you know yourselves best. i can't tell you what you really are or really aren't. and i certainly am not going to tell you what you can or can't be! everything i'm saying here is to prompt you to think about and questions to ponder for yourself.

so, i think you have some points to think about, why have you been identifying as bisexual? what is drawing you to the lesbian label? have you tried using 0 labels and not thinking about your identity or labels for at least a month or two (if not a several months) and then coming back and evaluating it afresh? what about the butch-femme dynamic are you drawn to? what is holding you back? you are allowed to discover that you are a lesbian! or you are allowed to continue to be bisexual! i can't tell you who you are - but you're allowed to be and do whatever you want, whatever feels true to you! even if it doesn't make sense to other people or you don't see anyone else like you out there. you gotta be a little bit brave!

hang in there, and sending much love to you and yours! 🧡

[lupucs]

Do you have any recommendations for character modeling in blender?

Ooh boy I never know how to respond to questions like that, but I'm gonna try my best and list some stuff which helped me personally, so hopefully this will be helpful to you guys too.

A lot of what im gonna say is probably gonna sound really generic but generally speaking just watching one tutorial series and calling it a day isn't gonna cut it.

Something that helped me a whole lot was having a clear goal in mind (like I remember the first thing I wanted to do was translate my OCs in 3D). Picking something I was invested in is what pushed me to do my own research (and now its Deltarune fan animations lol). Knowing how to maintain motivation and going in with the right mindset is the most important thing imo.

I use Blender for my 3D work, which is free and open source. I personally prefer it over paid software like Maya or 3dsMax, especially for modeling and sculpting (I remember I had to use Max and Maya for a while but overall it was a pretty agonizing experience to be honest, so I switched back to Blender, which just feels a whole lot easier to use for me personally lol, but really at the end of the day just pick the software you want. This is just my personal preference). If you have a potato laptop like me, I definitely advise you to use Blender tho as it is very lightweight compared to other 3D programs, plus it can do the same things and then some. Not to mention there are way more free resources on Blender stuff so it's easier to get access to the info you need. Anyways Blender-simping over, moving on!

Tutorials are always a great idea, but you're also gonna have to learn how to do problem-solving. 3D can be a really technical and rigid medium, so being patient and knowing how to do independent learning is very important. Take a look at box-modeling, sculpting, texturing and procedural shading. Unfortunately that's gonna involve a lot of annoying situations and moments of immeasurable pain, but once you're more familiar with how things work, it's super fun and rewarding!

Don't forget to have fun and experiment! It's easy to get lost and overwhelmed by the technical aspects of 3D but it's important to just let go and make silly things. Also talking to other 3d artists with similar interests helps a ton, especially more experienced ones but I am aware not everyone has access to that (plus not everyone might want that, esp when you're an introvert like me haha!)

If you gotta sell your soul to a corporation then focusing on one particular subset is gonna be useful for animation jobs, as this is what most studios want. Some artists might like specializing into just one area, and that's totally fine but for me who prefers to be a generalist, it just kinda ruins my joy for 3D to restrict myself to just one part of it. Plus if you enjoy doing what you do, you tend to learn a lot faster anyway.

This might be a bit of an uncommon take, but one of the most stifling pieces of advice I have received from industry 3D artists is to only focus on one thing (as in, only skill up your UV-unwrapping, or only do rigging, only do hard-surface modeling, only do organic environment modeling and so on). NUH-UH! Just do what you want fam. Make the spoingle-boingles pet cats. Focus on the things you like. Make barney the dinosaur destroy the whole set. Model, rig and animate them if you want. Really, just have fun. Obviously you gotta do some self-checks and see where you need to improve, and where your strengths and weaknesses are, and focusing on those areas can be very helpful. Just make sure you're having a good time doing it, and don't be too harsh on yourself. Definitely take a break if you're overwhelmed.

You don't have to be able to draw to be good at character modeling but making turnaround sketches helps me a whole lot whenever I make 3D characters. Knowing how to draw will also benefit your sense of design and shapes, as you can use your drawing skills for texturing and adding your own flair to your models.

Another thing I would do is look at other people's 3D models and study the topology and the way they model things. This also helps a lot with motivation. Obviously you don't wanna copy, just study the way other people model things and see what other talented artists come up with! There are a bunch of free Blender rigs you can download and study on your own, not to mention useful videos and streams on YouTube. The Rain and Snow rigs are pretty awesome. Some of this stuff is behind a paywall but I recommend checking out the free resources of the "Settlers" project for highly cartoony modeling and rigging (this playlist is very useful, I didn't watch all of it but some parts have been pretty inspirational to me). Also just following 3D artists you like and looking at their art for inspiration will help you stay motivated.

Hope this is useful!

[visionthefox]

Im feeling silly , I was looking over my logs of texts I often write to myself, an idea of what ever I want to do in the future And I found a horror idea based on a dream I had- I still somewhat remember it- I have a fear of getting lost and trapped - because I did get lost some few times in my life~ but for some reason my dream changed to "Im running" to "watch as someone else needs to survive" and I guess was to not get too scared? anyways, all I know I was in a abandoment plex, or shopping mall, I was in the play area MIND YOU this was before FNAF RUIN was even a thing! but I used to watch ppl explore abandoment places at night- soo ok, based on this dream of being lost, and running from something, I created an AU I never once shared to anyone sooo feeling silly! I want to let it out~ in resume! actually short one What if Fazbear got tired of weird stuff happening in the daycare, robots coming in and out, missing tech- a fucking death star? and their animatronics getting too comfortable walking away.. so much so is getting the brand in trouble so one night- FazCo just - reset both Sun and Moon, one night they sleep in the room they have, some humans walk in, since they work there Computer can not harm them, Computer tried to wake Moon but failed the next day, both brothers forgor everything and everyone, but something is off, Sun is not nervious nor shy, far from it, he seems to take a leadship, be harsh, sassy and somewhat mean-Moon in the other hand? he is calm, silent, cold only to human and robots, not kids, he is obedient to Sun only, and will be mean to everyone else. idk what exactly happened, but the plex grew darker, as maybe the aura of the change made everyone freak out, since Moon was literally paying FazCo to let him do anything, yet the company reset him as nothing.. soon chaos happend, and Eclipse , who mind you now has a body of his own -and I have no idea on what arc this happened, I just know he still hated everyone and didnt died- tried to walk in the daycare, only to Find Moon staring at him at the top on the play structure, Eclipse tease Moon but soon see something is not ok. Moon let him walk in, and worst, he just stared at him like a cat set on a prey, is only when Sun walked out from the ball pit he stared at Eclispe , and in a cheerfull yet cold tone said "oh, you are not part of FazCo line.. you are a bootleg? sorry~ we dont allow bootlegs in here! you need to leave!" and before Eclipse can say shit, Moon chease him away, Eclipse doesnt know why- but he ran away, maybe because Moon seems to be in his "kill code mode" but he just runs NOW this is the meat of the AU, Eclipse is forced to survive not getting seen by anyone, not even gregrory because he soon realized, every door is locked with new code only the rest on the glamrooks know, he tried to find the code, but just can not.. this is all I got, in my notes I had that Sun tried to reset Eclipse too thinking he just "needed some repains too" but I think Sun wanting Eclipse gone is more scary~ so yea, idk what to do with this so Im letting this out here- I may flesh out this idea? but I dont think I may actually draw it I just knew I wanted some horror related AU with sams at the time I wrote my dream down, I wanted true horror an scene I rememebr is Eclipse running inside one of the tubes, is all dark, only his eyes glow, and he is freaking out, Moon is cheasing him like a actual robot, no much of his personality showing - Eclipse clips up to the play structure, and finds a way out, not before he hears Sun teasing "please come out! we will make you better! you need to follwo FazCo rules~"

[chiyoso]

(vent) you know, my series, the mara's will?

i truly, truly did not expect the positive outcome when i wrote and published it, i didn't plan to make a part two, i didn't plan to make it a series

it was just a fic heavily inspired by the song tot musica by ado

hence, the nordic runes i implemented

yes, absolutely, i adore the support for it i truly do, i'm happy people love it, my idea, my fic, my writing for that piece

but i honestly, genuinely i have no idea where it leads, i have no idea how it'll end, i have no idea what to do with it, i've come to terms that everyone will have different opinions, different views and different expectations on how it'll end

and that scares me. it resurfaces my people pleasing problem immensely.

i'm not not that skilled in writing yet, at least in my perspective

my imaginations heavily contrast to my current skill in writing, i want to express DETAILED fight scenes, but my brain circuits on what words to use for it, because in my mind, the movements are way, way too complex.

the dialogue, the actions, the powers, the usage of weaponry, they're all too complex in my mind, and my vocabulary, my choice of words, my lack of knowledge when it comes to other words, it frustrates me greatly.

more undercut

so i fucking mean when i say this

the writers i have encountered throughout tumblr? fuck. you are all so fucking amazing. i have known some to several of you who continue to write, even in a state of burnout, even in a state of... i dont know, anything that's bothering you, but you still continue to write? FUCK. i dont understand how you do it, but you're so STRONG. you absolutely, absolutely are.

because here i type away, heavily frustrated, plagued with immense, constant burnout, mental exhaustion, writers block, me healing from depression, with multiple projects, drafts, edits to do, pending requests, and i'm just... ugh. — fuck i dont know how you all do it, but you are all so strong. so, so, strong.

i dont want to discontinue the mara's will, but i cant... muster up any ideas for it either.

it was an impulse fic, heavily inspired by a song. a song from one piece.

i purposely left chapter 1 on a cliffhanger, i intended it to be that way because it was fitting to the plot.

and now... with part two out, it- i feel it was rushed, and it was getting too long, too long to the point where tumblr doesn't allow me to edit it anymore, so its stuck that way. rushed, full of mistakes, etc

shit i dont know what to do with it. fuck my people pleasing problem man. so many requests flooded me for a next part, and i did, i delivered. but why do i feel so... dejected? fuck.

i think i'm being too harsh on myself, but that's most likely because of the eerie, sudden silence — in which i'm still continuing to distract myself from (thank god for games and anime)

and if i had a drawing tablet again, things would be so much easier, i wanna draw fanart again, i wanna draw scara, lyney, nnngh i wanna draw hsr men too !!!! im so!!! nnh!!!

gahhh fuck i need lyney, neuvi, scara or geto to hug me tightly

[hamspamandjamsandwich]

ugggh sort of slogging through an artwork right now and I’m getting sooooooo in my head and self conscious about the way I make art

like. idk. i use strong language a lot because im melodramatic bitch, but generally i would consider my overall opinion of my art to be…harsh but fair. I could definitely cut myself some slack, but I’m also not *making shit up* just to hurt myself either. It’s critique that I’d give anyone, albeit harsher since it’s myself and not someone else.

I really think i have a complex because i have a graphic design background and…if you’ve seen my art…you can probably see why I found it very difficult to mesh my illustrations with my designs. Or maybe you can’t because you’re a better designer than me and would know what to do with it lmao. But i was doing that stuff when The Height Of Graphic Design™️ was Swiss typography and minimalism. So I pretty much never made anything that was on trend—aka marketable, which is sort of the entire point of graphic design—and it killed my confidence.

my skills stagnated because i was burnt out and couldn’t make anything, especially since i believed that the only stuff i was good at was literally unusable. And I did try, but it went pretty poorly. Looking back some of this was just imposter syndrome and me being a horrible inner critic. A lot of it looks better to me than it did then when i was making it. But i still see the exact same issues with my illustrative style in that space.

the never-ending complaint i have against my own art is also the thing that makes it good at all: it’s an absolute fucking mess of lines. Don’t get me wrong, i ADORE messy art. I love impressionist painting. I think gesture drawings and sketches are beautiful, and i like making mess art. But goddamn if it doesn’t feel like it’s the only thing i can make.

There’s so much i want to do but I feel extremely limited. I know the answer is that i should just practice and deal with stuff…sucking and looking ugly for a while. But it’s hard to throw all that time into making something that i know is subpar or even just bad.

And it’s just annoying to feel like the reason i can’t do something isn’t a materials or a money or even an inspiration or concept thing. It’s purely a skill issue. I literally just…can’t do it. It reminds me of when i went ice skating the first time and couldn’t make any progress despite my brain knowing what to do. My body couldn’t execute it. And it’s the same thing with this stuff.

I hate having to give up on something, not because i want to or am not enjoying it or don’t have time or anything, but because i simply can’t. I can’t ice skate, and I can’t make beautiful, clean art either, and for weirdly the exact same reason.

There’s also something to be said for the fact that any artist worth their salt regardless of their style can do what i do, really. It’s like i stopped after step 2 of sketching and never finished or learned anything past it lol. Every great artist out there doing great portraits or figure drawings can do gesture, can do sorta messy, etc. But i can’t clean my shit up to save my life lmao

idk this isn’t supposed to be a pity post or fishing. if i didn’t like the art i make i wouldn’t post it, you know? And i didn’t for a long time but i like everything I’ve put on here. I don’t think they’re bad, obviously. But when I see all the stuff I wish I could do…a wistful envy follows.

[wildcherrylime]

(im putting a disclaimer at the beginning of this post, since this is about my specific experience as a person with what i didnt realize was pretty severe depression, who often struggled to justify making things for just myself bc my own ideas rarely felt worthy of the effort of creation)

the most common advice for new artists is to practice, but i think something i rarely see directly communicated in tandem to that is that like. the process of making is different than the process of thinking about making. and the process of just going through and making things is a different skill than being able to imagine making something. and what i mean by "making something" isnt like, sheer technical ability in terms of writing or drawing or [insert skill here].

it was so easy for me to have a million ideas. but i rarely felt like i knew how to finish things, how the process of making something actually worked. and it kept me from trying at all because it was difficult to imagine how i would actually make something.

there are going to be countless little obstacles and victories in the making process, and you'll never know it or be able to anticipate it until you've done it and gone through the entire process of making something.

and you'll constantly be surprising yourself, especially if you are a very harsh self critic, with what you are actually able to execute it if you just... do it, even if ur not 100% sure how to. and since its a skill in and of itself, what you take away from each instance of making and finishing is transferrable to the next thing.

ive spent so long, working so hard, and now that im medicated i feel like i can look back and really appreciate where i am today in terms of sheer technical ability, but i also finally am giving myself the space to just. engage in the process of making things and enjoying it, fully, without desperately needing to feel like the thing was worth making

[draxumain]

Hello! I was wondering if I could have a demon slayer match up please?

I'm 18, so only characters 18 and up please!

I'm nonbinary

Two of my favorite characters are Akaza and Rengoku (ironic Ik lol)

I don't care about the gender of the match up, so go wild!

Onto the way I look/am I guess!

I have short brown hair and brown eyes. I wear glasses. I'm plus sized and I tend to wear clothes that are more comfy/practical then trendy but I do still like to wear cute stuff, I have two tattoos at the moment and plan on getting more.

My personality is just a clusterfuck of my mental illnesses and whatever I'm hyperfixated on at that point. It's hard to pin point really.. but I think I'm empathetic, I do tend to get angry very easily, I get anxious pretty often to. I have a phobia of bugs to the point of tactile hallucinations (feeling things that aren't there, like bugs crawling on me). I get discouraged easily, and don't have much confidence in myself and I'm afraid of messing things up alot.

I love dancing and drawing but have been in a mental/creative block for both for quite awhile and it sucks

I love food (especially strawberries!), music, plushies and my comfort shows (bluey (shut up), Steven universe and the owl house)

I hate loud, especially sudden, noises, being hot (I overheat very easy), and people telling me what to do (not in a "I'm better then you" way in a "well I WAS gonna do that thing but now I don't want to and physically can't" way)

I also have ADHD inattentive type, depression, and anxiety (and quite possibly some other undiagnosed things too) if that helps!

Thank you for reading this and please take your time, there's no rush! (⁠◍⁠•⁠ᴗ⁠•⁠◍⁠)✿

Hi anon! Thanks for requesting I hope you're doing well <3 Heres your matchup! Apologies it's not proofread 🙇🏾‍♀️

For your match up im paring you up with...

Yushiro Yamamoto

Yushiro will 100% be your #1 supporter and fan, no matter what is is you need or want no matter you've done for life in general or just today, he will attend your needs and fully reach your expectations and even beyond.

This man is your hype man! He'll elevate you and praise you every second of the day. It's your insecurities battling against him on the daily, your insecurities are his biggest enemy.

He's so persistent in showing you how much he adores you as sees you as a deity, he'll show his affection in every way shape and form just so it'll get drilled into your head.

Poems, compliments, acts of service, physical touch, making food for you he'll do anything to make sure you know how much he loves you.

To him you'll always be a beaming light within a crowd, he worships the ground you walk on; every part, inch and hair on you is utter perfection your being alone is the reason he thinks god exists, only a deity could carve such a perfect beauty.

Yushiro loves hearing about your new hyperfixations, well to be honest he loves all of you so truly he does not care how much they change. Talk about it all you want, show off cool stuff you made and found about the topic he will listen to every word and remember it all like his life depends on it. Not a single word of yours will be forgotten. Just so, later on he can talk proudly about the topic and you praise him for it.

He wants nothing more then your love and approval, please give it to him.

Your relationship is basically you being expensive fine China and he's a big ol' bubble wrap, wrapping you up again and again.

He's on his toes around you, literally he's on his toes. He doesn't necessarily have a natural eof being quiet however, nor is he loud he's just easy to voice his very... VERY harsh opnions, announce himself loudly when he sees you and can get quite loud when excited and wants to show you something.

So when he learns you prefer it quiet, bros as quiet as a mouse.

It's actually a little scary at first, he'll just spawn next to you without sound and it scares the living shit out of you.

Just tell him and he'll continue to be quiet but in a not so creepy way by lightly knocking before entering the room and keeping his voice to a minimum.

Don't be afraid to tell him what you want, this man's life purpose is to attend to you knees he wants to be told what to do by you and do those things. He adores you and will bend over backwards just to see you happy.

Suddenly craving food? He'll buy you a whole restaurant, you've been eyeing a new plushy? He'll get you it + a bunch of different styled once with the same design concept.

He doesn't understand human entertainment so he doesn't seem to understand what's enjoyable about the human shows he likes but, he knows you like them so automatically he likes them and they're his favourite too, cause you're his favourite and he wants to be your favourite so, everything that's your favourite is  now his favourite.

You mentioned the shows you liked once, just saying it to say it and didn't think much of it but he took a mental note and binged watched it behind your back and FINISHED IT just so you guys can have something to talk about and relate too and, so you could be shocked and impressed he knew about it.

He pretends to be some huge fan and everything.

When you realise he's watched it, you get him to watch it with you again when you're in need of some comfort or just to watch it, you both come together entangled with each other in each others bodies under some blankets and plushies.

He can't help but think him deciding to watch the shows was his best idea ever.

100% worth it.

It's no doubt that no matter what, he'll always be there for you to support, cherish and love you. Until the end of times.

Her Lady's Notes:: I was heavily debating between him and Akaza now I've got the itch to write him so stay tuned for some Akaza Headcannons 🙊

──  ﹫ 𝐇𝐄𝐑𝐋𝐀𝐃𝐘𝐒𝐑𝐄𝐀𝐋𝐌   ؛   𝗈𝗇 𝗍𝗎𝗆𝖻𝗅𝗋

[savecomplete]

re: post that says i play a part in "carrying the fandom"

not going to name names, not going to mention (tumblr function) anyone, but i want to nip this notion in the bud.

prefacing this with the disclaimer that this is strongly worded, that this is going to sound mean and harsh, but i'm fine with coming off that way, if i get to assert my boundaries.

i'm incredibly averse to "fandom". i want nothing to do with fandom involvement. i am not here to make friends. all i need to enjoy media is to talk about it with the handful of friends i've shared it to, and i either already have that, or i make it happen. when it comes to needing to use art to appreciate a given work, i express this creative energy in many different ways. visual art is one outlet for that self-expression. all i'm doing on cohost/tumblr/twitter/etc. is using relevant tags for art i make, deciding what i can/want to share to the public. tumblr's archiving and tagging system, while still lacking in features over the past decade, is notorious for how useful it is to visual artists.

do not put me on a pedestal, and do not treat my work like its public domain use. you'd be wrong to do either. i'm not superior or inferior to you; don't act like it. there is a reason my art accounts all use a selfie of me as my avatar. we do not know each other and i'm perfectly fine with that. stay on your side of the screen.

given 8/9 posts i've made on this account so far are katana zero posts, and that i was mentioned as one of a few artists "carrying the fandom" on here by a fandom member, i also want to speak my mind about how i perceive this specific fandom. it's weird. a lot frustrates me about it. i've seen a lot of things that make my stomach turn. some heavy issues are treated in flippant manner, despite the source game portraying them with appropriate gravity. for whatever reason, it's typical for the fandom to lighten fifteen's skin, despite it being exactly the same as zero's skintone. there is a bizarrely prevalent attitude that the incoming DLC is an owed debt to the fandom, enough for people to make accounts like one dedicated to a daily count of how long it's been since full release without the DLC. come on, people. it's as if the DLC exists in some strange intangible vacuum where the budget, size, and humanity of the dev team are somehow not a factor. as though the DLC exists separate from the ongoing pandemic, and a literal real war affecting the team.

to see so many "fans" act incredibly entitled, so loudly and constantly, and doing this everywhere and anywhere it's fucking possible to leave a comment or post, even on unrelated work, well…

yeah, hopefully by now it's clear why i would want to distance myself from any fandom involvement. i hate fandom. it's never a healthy culture; katana zero's fandom is no special outlier to that. i'm not a superhero savior to this fandom that is supposedly "dying", "near-dead", etc. im not "carrying" shit, i'm just using your tags. "this fandom is nearly dead" then die! i'm not a part of this! go read interviews from the dev team and learn about game development—hell, go and try to draw or animate or compose or code something for a game, and then just try to get back to me about how "unreasonable" the wait is for the DLC. pretending this exists in a vacuum: if the "first act" of the story took 6 years of development, and the DLC is currently taking 3 years so far, and the DLC's size is of half the main game... is the rate of game development truly anything close to unreasonable?

...i'll say that, to me, there's a difference between fans of a work of media and the "fandom" for it, even if the former group is not entirely separate from the latter. from half a month of being on tumblr i've grown over 50 followers, which is incredible, especially for a single-digit amount of art shared so far. i read tags. i check my mentions. there's been some lovely compliments through tags on reblogs, which i appreciate, and i further appreciate that my work is being enjoyed and shared through reblogs and likes. thank you.

p much the bulk of you treat me kindly; honestly, i'm still trying to wrap my head around all the positive attention and encouragement. thank you for taking care and effort to tell me what you have. energy and time have finite limits; i'm happy when people decide to spend that on making me feel appreciated.

but i'm also a rather direct person, and don't like being wishy-washy about my limits and boundaries.

so, to conclude: i get uncomfortable when people try to nominate me as notable for any involvement in "fandom", and further, when strangers talk as though i'm trying to breathe life into any fandom perceived as "dead" or "dying". that's not my problem. i'm not trying to solve it, either. i'm not looking for recognition as a popular figure in a fandom. what i create and why i create it is independent of any fandom existing. i don't want anything to do with fandom involvement. leave me out of it.

[bitchfitch]

i have the same crisis about my writing every few weeks and i never want to talk about it because it just sounds whiny ya know? like I'm looking for reassurance when really I'm sorta just looking to bitch. (like there's nothing wrong with seeking reassurance, i know that and don't hold anyone else to the same standards i hold myself bc idk, spin a wheel to decide which mental illness is causing me to be aggressively harsh on myself)

Like, ok, Im dyslexic and have complete aphantasia, and only managed to take language arts until about 7th grade, ok, so i struggle with my writing a lot because like, I want to improve. I want to be a better writer but i don't have the head to understand what being Better at writing means if that makes any sense?

like with a drawing I can pick it apart into individual segments and mull over line quality or color cohesion, or fuckin shape language or whatever, and while I'm pretty certain i could do that with writing too I don't know how to find the issues to begin with unless it's something the computer will tell me is wrong like typos or whatever. I don't have a clear chart telling me if characters are acting right, or if I'm explaining too much or too little, or if the words look right next to each other and do the thing where they make an image or voice in someone else's head. and trying to learn is Frustrating because there's no edges. There's nothing you can point to and say That's what this is supposed to be, now how do I make this look and feel more like that.

I feel like I'm blind again futzing with a skill I'm trying to learn out of spite but unlike then, ive never known what it is exactly I'm trying to achieve, and there's never going to be a day where the fog lifts and i can see what I've learned while handicapped by my own body, and be able to build from there.

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

tw pedo, confusion, family.

sometimes i feel like my dad may be a pedo. not that i caught him with any porn of that sort, his stash was completely adult related when i used to see it scattered around the house and what not. i was hyper as a child and unfortunately viewed such things every time. he's never done anything to me that i know of, except once he roughly spanked me as a teen which i felt very violated from in a bad way type of touch feeling. i was pretty confused.. they also shamed me for being sexual (getting caught in school making jokes with a friend and drawing dicks n writing things about teachers) which they ended up seeing and ofc i felt guilt bc they were disappointed in me and shamed me, banned me from watching shows and what not. couldn't even have a phone bc they didn't trust me. this was up til 11 years old to 14.

ive been sexualised my whole life. shaming me for wearing clothes that expose my figure, I was only 14 when an uncle apparently commented on me saying how im dressed inappropriate bc he can see my shape.. mind you, i was fully clothed head to toe. i didn't know about this until my parents mentioned it in anger, implying its my fault basically. yeah u get the gist of it. my whole life ive felt uncomfortable. getting looks from people and even my own family.

i remember being in my early 20s my mom mentioned this to me bc I said how my dad would be harsh. she said its bc of ur actions, also holding what i drew and wrote in school still against me. i was only 11/12?? but what's even crazy, she said i wrote those things about my own dad. yes. my mind was shocked how she could even say such things. and yet she believed that even tho I said it wasn't even about anyone except a teacher. so, i know my mom holds jealously and resentment of this. probably thinking ill steal her man vibe, which is gross. I felt extremely gaslight, I always have with them.

since their messed up minds think that idk if that's why he behaves weird with me. i know he's a pervert but this is just. there was a show we would watch and he was very obsessed with the girl. (She was 17, same age as me) and i found that so bizarre. my mom simply didn't gaf. I even said its wrong but no one cares. his obsession was unhealthy, finding pics of her and searching up explicit scenes of her which I found on his search.

its like its so normalised. she's like the age of ur daughter wtf. ig since then its just been confusing for me bc I've been gaslight badly. idk if i ever got abused by him bc i don't really remember such happening. i only had a sexual dream with him once which was strange. he does take offguard pics of me which I hate and tell him to delete but he never does. he gives me weird looks and i hate dressing up bc of it. they make me feel ashamed of myself and disgusted. I feel like a whore, like im begging for this.

I'm glad I haven't had any weird touches or anything, but its still uncomfortable with the energy that lingers around. like im always reminded when they give me certain looks esp my mom. i feel like im going insane just thinking of everything. i wish things were normal but they really ain't are there

Hi anon,

I'm so sorry about what you've been through.

I can see how being shamed for being sexual or making sexual jokes may have influenced the way you view your own sexuality, especially at such a formative age. It's saddening and frustrating to hear that your family seems to normalize victim blaming. It's gross that your uncle made that comment, not only because you were a child, but because it implies he was looking to see your "shape". The comments that your mom made towards you are not okay either. The things that you found out about your dad are also quite disturbing and predatory.

Even if you dad hasn't touched you or anything like that, he still does some harmful things and it's valid to be upset or traumatized by that. I think a lot of this, especially with the example of your uncle, could count as sexual harassment.

It makes sense to be uncomfortable with the environment that your family creates. Your wish for things to be normal is completely understandable, and I'm sorry you've been having to put up with this. Please know that there's nothing you could've done to deserve being abused, and you don't deserve to be disgusted at yourself for things that aren't your fault.

If anyone has any comments or suggestions, feel free to add on. Otherwise, I hope I could help, and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[vykko]

So didn’t from my regular posts I’m going to bitch about my old English teacher I had last year

Oh yeah trigger warning she was a ableist bitch also when I’m upset I curse more so this contains some colourful and Australian language then normally also I get angry so my spelling and grammar goes flying out the bloody window. Also also I’m not fucking missgendering myself for the sake of being accurate

I used to think maybe I was too harsh but now I honestly could not give a shit even if my life depended on it as she was a horrible teacher. Also I’m making the closest thing to my real nickname because it is very obvious what my legal name is if you know it do I’m going to coni I place as it’s similar sounding also anytime I say connor it’s in place of my legal name

so first day i meet her in person i tell her im dyslexic and might need some help with stuff, it went down hill from there as if adhd ASD and dyslexia aren’t on my file

how did she treat me, well not like everyone else that’s for fucking sure

Talked in the “hay sweetie/buddy” voice, for people who don’t know it’s the kinda voice used when you talk to a very very young child and fucking pets so it’s not very nice eg Miss Paulings line to pyro gives me flashbacks(joke I’m not serious)

I draw in class do I concentrate I told her that, she didn’t hear I guess as she always went “coni you can draw afterwards” or “coni could you look up at the board”

even if I finished the work I’d still get the same replies as the top one. Once I did all the work in the group project thingy and I got “coni you need to talk with (name of friend) so you can do the project then you can draw” becuase I guess I can’t possibly do work and finish it quickly it fucking quickly

unit on how stereotypes are bad and dehumanising when she was infantilising me so yeah she was also a hypocrite bitch

i had to be out of school for two weeks first week is kinda personal and the other was wisdom teeth removal. She emailed MY FUCKING MOTHER and not me that she’d send me the work

she sent it halfway through Thursday after I got back home from a blood test, IT WAS THE DAY BEFORE I WAS GETTING SURGERY ALSO IT WASNT EVEN THE RIGHT FUCKING WORK

i get back I ask how to catch up as she emailed me she would, she didn’t. She said not to worry about it and didn’t actually help me at fucking all with work where I needed to of done the work pipe and read the bloody book to s point

SO I HAD TO FUCKING FIGURE SOME SHIT OUT TO HELP MY FUCKING SELF AS SBE COULDNT DO HER BLOODY JOB AS A DAMN TEACHER

she then proceeded to slowly go from never choosing me to answer questions with my hand down to fucking telling me “you can tell me later coni” “not now coni” and like the bloody bitch she is she never call on me again

My friends can fucking see the shit she is doing because is so bloody blanet you’d have to buried half way to hell head first not to tell

i somehow managed to bet a a decent grade on my essay exam and here’s some crap I was going through at the fucking time : psychosis from hiding amount of stress, only getting 2.5-4houes of sleep for a month and returning to school when I hadn’t even fully recovered because the doctor note had bloody fucking stupidly only let me stay home for a week even when I wasn’t getting better for several days. I SOMEHOW MANAGED TO GET A C- and then she comes up to my fucking desk to tell me how I could of bloody done better

LIKE IM SO SORRY I DID NOT THAT BLOODY WELL AS YOU COULD NOT DO YA DAMN FUCKING JOB. She also didn’t do this for anyone else

she introduced me to the new English teacher because thank the fucking heavens she had to schedule change and the audacity this fucking bitch

she, 20cm tops away from my desk and indrodues me too the new teacher, I wasn’t in the damn convo she was talking about me in front of me. Effectively doing it like

“That’s coni he is disabled, you need to be a condersending wanker as I think it works best oh yeah he isn’t like the other students so I obviously need you to treat him like dumb toddler who can’t understand anything” (if you couldn’t fucking tell I’m trying to make a joke it’s a joke)

also 2 last things

I never introduced myself as ‘coni ‘ to her or said she could call me that I said my name is Connor

also she didn’t like how I did stuff, even tho I didn’t do it wrong I just did it differently then she wanted so she made me do work in a way that doesn’t actually work for me and 2 apparently doing something that was effectiving no one is so bloody horrible

also new English teacher was fucking amazing and actually did their bloody job

ive claimed down again I think I need to add I never once got angry at her in person. I honestly had some fun in the class be of my friends not because of her

a

[thatnarcissisticfeel]

hi, thanks for answering, i appreciate it. also that you didn’t just call me toxic or some shit and tell me to fuck off. i’ve actually never thought of joining a discord server but it’s a good idea, thank you, i think i could try that. i guess on another account though to prevent anyone from accidentally finding out bc you know for yourself how it is. i’ll look up if i can find some kind of dbt workbooks online as well.

the journaling idea is good as well, i’ve actually been trying for a while but i end up rarely using it as a past experience left me with kinda bad trust issues about writing / drawing things down where someone could see them. but i guess i could try hiding it better this time or something. it’s just this thing that also sometimes venting like that actually ends up making me even more frustrated, as i realize i’ve already written about this exact thing countless times before yet still nothing has changed.

i’m trying not to make a too harsh judgement of my therapist yet, considering i haven’t been seeing her for that long, but… yeah. when i said that i’ve been going to therapy for years i meant going to a lot of different ones in this time. no one ever gets me. their advice is always so fucking useless. honestly at least this current one actually listens and doesnt make me feel uncomfortable or like i’m being judged. i think she’s the one i’ve been the most honest with because of that (and also because i just started telling her everything from the first session on already bc i’m tired of everyone always turning out to be nothing but a waste of time and money and effort), i generally lie to therapists esp my psychiatrist so i can get the meds i want (or else im 100% she’d just put me on some shit like antipsychotics, which ive been on in the past and i’d honestly rather kill myself than take them again, idk if you’ve tried them before but i basically felt r*tarded [idk how some ppl are sensitive of slur use like i personally dont care but i dont want your blog banned or smth] and tired all the time and it “”””helped”””” in the way that it made me too slow to be able to think about my problems. thanks psychiatry. not a traumatizing experience at all). i mentioned that i suspect i could have a personality disorder to her once or twice and she seemed to agree that it could be a possibility, but obviously no one can diagnose that fast. but i guess i’ll see. i really just want to know whats wrong with me, why do i think the way i do, why i can’t just be more fucking normal no matter how hard i try. but getting an actual diagnosis of a PD esp if it turned out to be this one would just mean i’d get treated even worse by every single doctor, not even necessarily a mental health one, bc physical doctors see all your records as well,, i’ve already been told my legitimate physical issues are just bc im depressed, or even if they dont straight up tell me they definitely treat me less seriously and i just know its bc i have mental illnesses diagnoses & im female.

i just … ugh. i feel so sick of it all and misunderstood. i know i can get genuinely abusive in arguments when someone upsets me but i really dont know how to stop or control myself. i hate that people act as if it’s all my fault. like everything i’ve gone through doesn’t even matter and i’m just an inherently evil person. like i didn’t have some kind of a terribly traumatic childhood, but i’ve always been either bullied or excluded by almost everyone i’ve ever met and all the social isolation honestly really fucked me up. i think that’s why i developed such a strong individuality complex as i’ve never been able to think all of it must be simply because i’m worthless. like fuck no, 99% of the people are dumb and shallow and ignorant towards reality of the world and i’m supposed to feel like i’m somehow worse than them? at least i have self awareness and my own thoughts. i mean i do think we’re all worthless because nothing in life has any value, so why should humanity be the exception? that still doesn’t stop me from hating everyone though. i may be a hypocrite but so is everyone else; and at least i don’t pretend to be a gOoD pErSoN. lacking empathy and not having morals doesn’t make me any less deserving of help even though i know how many people unironically believe people like me should just be shot. fucking brainless hypocrites, all of them.

but anyway yeah my point here is, fuck people who think anyone chooses to be this way. all of this has done nothing good for me other than made my life much harder. and not to mention unable to ever get genuinely close to anyone because what is the worth in a relationship if i can’t even bring myself to care about anyone? i don’t think “empaths” even realize how alienating it actually is. which is once again so ironic because THEY should be the ones to try to understand it, but no, they just generalize everyone and share the nonsense propaganda that we’re incapable of change.

so yeah, this turned into another vent but i really lack any people in my life who i could be honest with. i feel so lonely all the time. it’s not even really missing a friend group or romance or physical touch, it’s more of this feeling of feeling completely alone and that no one (other than a few people whose writings and actions i admire but they’re all dead) would ever be able to truly understand me. so yeah as cheesy as it is, sometimes it’s nice to be reminded i’m not alone by someone other than a generic social media post made by someone who’d 100% hate me if i told them even half this shit. can i maybe dm you sometime btw? i felt like staying anon while writing this bc i tend to get anxious with ppl at first but idk, maybe, if youre comfortable with that ofc

btw if its alright to ask can i ask how did you get diagnosed? what was the process like and how long did it take? did they suspect anything else at first? do you feel treated by ppl any differently now tjat you have a diagnosis of such a stigmatized disorder? (^ i mean these previous questions if youre diagnosed by a psych, if not its perfectly valid as well ofc) whats personally helping u to cope?

Good luck! I’m glad I could offer some help/reassurance. Maybe instead of a physical journal you could use a private blog or even just a notes app on your phone/computer if that sounds safer?

I do hope things improve with your new therapist and that things work out, it’s good that she at least agrees you might have a PD. Normally I’d recommend a therapist who specializes in PDs, maybe even especially NPD, but idk if that’s accessible for you and/or if you’ve already tried it and had no luck.

But again, I want to reiterate that you’re not alone, and what you’re going through and what you feel is 100% relatable to other pwNPD. I truly wish that more people understood us and the irony isn’t lost on me that it’s always “empaths” who are the ones who have the LEAST empathy for us. And I feel like the societal lack of understanding contributes to the more “ugly” or “stigmatized” traits of our disorder even more, tbh. Anyway, my point is that I definitely don’t mind at all if you vent, so please do feel free to DM me if you want to or feel more comfortable that way!

As for my diagnosis, it’s a bit messy — for context im a recent graduate from college and the bulk of my therapy came from campus services, where it was acknowledged I very likely had a PD especially within cluster B but I never got an official diagnosis while I was seeing the school-based therapist, and at the moment I’m trying to find a new therapist who can help me. At first we thought I just had a really intense form of rejection sensitivity dysphoria due to ADHD, then realized it was likely something else. So I’m a weird mix of “self diagnosed, but likely wouldn’t have admitted it to myself or realized it if a professional hadn’t pointed me in that direction.” Until I can find a professional im honestly just doing the best I can to help myself. Sometimes I get tempted to turn to substances to cope bc they make me softer and more open, and if you feel the same way I highly recommend avoiding this, ofc. I mostly use relatable music (lmk if you want my NPD playlist!) and DBT workbooks as a way to help myself, and I also just try my hardest to avoid or remove myself from situations where I might lose my cool and become toxic. Obviously this is easier said than done, but there are ways to do it. For instance, if I’m in a group chat where I feel like people are getting more attention than me, I’ll mute the group chat and maybe text someone from a different group one-on-one (not necessarily about my issues, just in general).I know that answer is pretty mild and entirely social media based lol, but it’s the best example I can provide.

[hannahfundie]

Reflection.

Over the last 11 weeks I have used 3 different adobe softwares: Illustrator: I had only briefly used illustrator for small projects, but never for something big. The pen tool was something that was insanely hard, I couldnt grasp the idea of how the pen tool worked, with the handles and the points. It wasnt until recently when designing the book that I think it clicked and things became easier to use. Like the penguin task, I think once I started understanding how it worked, going back to fix things became very common. What I didnt like about illustrator was that sometimes things didn't do what I wanted them to do, like the pen tool! The fill and outline was frustrating because sometimes it swapped when I pressed something, and trying to get use to how the layers work compared to how the layers work in photoshop was tough to understand but eventually i got thee. The way that illustrator uses vectors and lines instead of pixels ins really nice because it adds a crisper and nicer look to the work being created, thats something that was really easy and nice to get with because it was nice to look at. One thing that I would like to improve on would be getting things done quicker and not having to go back through and change things. I found myself drawing with the pen tool and the going back and fixing all the mistakes, I want to try and get to the point where I can just get it nearly right and carry on instead of having to go back in. What helped a lot when using illustrator was having the past weeks to be able to remember what was needed to be done so I could have the outcome I wanted, without the past writing I wouldnt have been able to get through a lot of what was going on with illustrator.

Photoshop: I would say I had a pretty good knowledge when it came to photohop. So personally I didn't struggle that much. In general I enjoy photo editing so the process to me wasnt that harsh and because I knew what i was doing most of the time, trying to figure things out was easier. What was tricky wasn't the program by changing from a PC to a Mac, the keyboard and the layout of everything is different so I found myself clicking buttons that didn't do what they would do on PC. The curves for photos was an enjoyable process for me because I enjoyed how the photos changed so drastically and the end result was something that I felt like I had worked hard. What I found challenging was the masks, it was hard to understand what masks were and even now im still a little confused as to why they are needed. The masking exercise, the man jumping and trying to figure that all out was the hardest part for me because I just couldnt figure out the purpose of the masks.

InDesign: Doing graphic design I already had a brief understanding on how to use indesign, how to create pages and how the spreads worked, putting text in, etc. Using indesign compared to photoshop and illustrator was a weird change because the tools that I was use to having on the side were no longer there. I found the process enjoyable however because there was a lot to do, playing with text and making it do strange things, something that isnt really that big in photoshop and for sure not really a thing in illustrator. The photo placement was a pain. Trying to get photos into indesign at the start was challenging because it did this weird thing where it would disappear because the box was too small. Holding command kept the picture in place and with shrinking the image, holding down shift to then keep it the same shape, those 2 tool were very helpful with using the software. I found the text boxes frustrating because the text box didnt grow with the text (Didnt make room for the text) instead it would just hide the text. that was probably the only real struggle and problem I had with indesign, other than that I think I improved a lot from the first time I had ever used it.

Overall, the fundamentals class taught and helped expand more on what I didnt know and what I already know. There were aspects of the course (The book) that I kept getting distracted or saying I would do it later and that would then lead to the book not looking the best and not looking ow I wanted it to. The most important thing I did learn was the function of each software in depth and what they were all good at and how they all worked with each other, like you can put photoshop files into indesign, and they can all cross over to each other.