im sorry i have to rant im so fucking pissed
my exams end on 19th and I have to get rid of some books and buy some books which are quite pricy online so I had planned on going to college street on 20th and selling my books and buying the new ones at a cheap price and i was frankly really excited about it because all I get is a one day break to relax bcz i have to start studying for entrances from 21st so all I have is 20th and i wanted to spend it at college street and then get some food and basically have like a solo date kind of thing.
and i was so so excited about it i told my boyfriend about it like 500 times bcz i kept forgetting i've already mentioned it and it was literally on my mind a lott so i kept bringing it up and ik it seems like not a big deal cz i can just sit at home and chill too but i literally do not get to go outside my house. like- the last time i went out was new years eve and after that the only time i've gone out is to school or to give my boards that is it. my mother has some weird like problem wiht me going out like even if i tell her that i just want to go to our terrace for 5 minutes just to get some fresh air she won't even allow that she'll be all suspicious and like sTaNd In ThE bAlCOnY aNd TaKe FrEsH aIr like she herself doesnt leave the house (and blames it on me and my brother ???? when have we ever stopped you bro, she said I HaVe To Be HeRe To KeEp An EyE like im 18 i dont need to be watched 24/7 stop blaming me for choices you put upon yourself) and i just feel so suffocated ALL THE TIME i feel so overstimulated and im so sick of rotting on my bed and i dont want to wait for some birthday party or friends meet up to be able to leave my goddamn house i just wanted to go and have a fun day and get me some books thats it.
anyway so initially the plan was that my mom would go along but something came up so she wanted to postpone it to 21st and i didn't want to bcz i'd already be missing 3 days bcz of my boyfriends birthday, holi and my brothers birthday (all of which are important and i dont want to miss which makes me the villain apparently bcz i should "adjust" and cancel my "parties" instead of trying to stick to my plan bcz that makes me too demanding and selfish apparently) so i suggested that ukw why dont u go do ur thing which came up and i'll go to college street by myself...which is when the solo date idea came which i had really wanted all along but didnt bring up bcz i knew she'd say no but now there's a valid reason for me to go alone so like, its a pretty easy fix i can just go alone but noooo. First of all,
I've been to college street multiple times before so its not like its an unknown area to me
im going by metro which is quite safe
im going when there is stark daylight and i will return home much much before it gets dark and im literally 18
she never lets me go anywhere alone, not even take ubers alone if i want to get back from somewhere my bf has to come drop me everytime and then go backwards to his house which is so so so stupid and i never get to go out alone unless accompanied by family or by a male friend, so obv when i said i'll go to college street alone she refused to let that happen and started screaming about how 'if its so important to go on 20th bcz u dont want to miss a day of studying then cancel ur 'parties' and study then' and i was like no its not about missing a day its just that there's a very easy and logical fix to this problem which is i go alone and its not inconveniencing anyone so why cant i just do that but she will not listen to that bcz im 'adamant' and 'everything has to be according to me' bcz i found a viable solution to the problem. so instead of letting me just go she was literally ready to pay much more money and buy the books online, like.....why cant i just go bro??? (and she keeps telling me im a waste of her money bcz i will amount to nothing in life and my education was a failed investment or wtv so like now why are u wasting more money??? im literally trying to save the money that u 'waste' on me so just let me ???)
anyway i called my dad last night and told him and he was super ok with the idea he said its a good idea that i go alone and that he would speak to her but then today when i asked her if dad spoke to her she said yes, we'll go on 20th and i was like .....we? so apparently she CANCELLED her previously immovable thing for which she wanted me to cancel my 'parties', she cancelled that and agreed to go with me on 20th just so that i dont get to go alone- like ???????????????? what is ur problemmmm
so obv i was super annoyed and i went on a whole ass rant about how i literally struggle to even cross roads bcz i dont know shit about basic travelling bcz all my life ive been in a car and its a running joke with all my guy friends that i 'cannot navigate' and 'dont know any places' and obv??? if im never allowed to go anywhere then how tf will i know the places- the only places i know is bcz recently i've been paying a lot of attention and asking my dad stuff about what roads to take to reach certain places and when i go out with my friends i kind of try and learn a bit but thats it i've only ever gone alone completely alone to two places which is my beauty parlour thats 5 minutes away from my house and one bazaar one time that was 2 bus stops away, thats it. thats my extent of public travelling alone. and now im supposed to go to a whole new STATE for college and i cant even call myself an auto without struggling. and like- is this not a basic life skill??? like ok yeah its not rocket science and i will probably figure it out even if i start later in life but why not now? most of my guy friends literally go everywhere alone, why not me? and my dad agreed with all of this but my mom was just like "you'll be in the hostel only, no need to go out of the campus" like ARE YOU FOR REAL????????? and she's like "if u want to learn skills learn how to cook" like ok yes i will also learn how to cook for sure but i wont have a fucking kitchen in the hostel but somehow cooking is an urgent skill i should learn but going places by myself is unimportant bcz i should just never? leave? the? hostel?
anyway after much screaming and shouting my dad gave up and just cut the call bcz he doesnt want to get into an argument with my mother and my mother was being all suspicious like why do u hAvE tO gO aLoNe AlL oF a SuDdEn even though i literally explained why i want to do this alone but she doesnt think thats valid. so she refuses to let me go and i asked her for one reason why i shouldnt cz usuallt its always "no u have exam what if smthn happens" but now i literally dont even have exam so whats ur excuse now? streets will always be unsafe forever so "what if smthn happens" is not a reason to never let me go out without a man so just gimme one reason and she couldnt give me a single reason she just said "i said no, thats it".
and now she's gone off about how im useless and blah blah and "high maintainance" bcz i want books and "everyone else (some pishi's son) just studies online" and so the whole option of college street is apparently now cancelled and she's trying to set up a whole ass kindle account (half the books i need arent even available as ebooks) just because i wanted to go by myself.
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So technically speaking the oldest son in our family should be named after an eldest son of the direct generations before per Italian American tradition (so one of the parents or grand parents/uncles) in this case but the eldest son died before my father got to meet him and thus the technical eldest son in our family was named after our great grandfather instead and not called Sonny as is tradition (he and my father refuse to admit that he is no longer the eldest son because i now exist)
i am tho realizing that if my Italian grandfather (god rest ya Joe) who half raised me and loved me deeply were still alive to be a part of my transition and were as supportive as i hope he would be, especially in spite of my father failing in the role of being a supportive father, he would no doubt see that our family lacks a Sonny of its own, bemoan the neglect of tradition, and anoint me the new Sonny, the true eldest son
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My two primary pokemon protags… Po “Shit Luck” Lastname and Little Baby Too Good For This World Val. 3DS pics again so sorry for the crunchiness!! Also there's. A LOT of details i couldn't fit on here AAAAAAA BUT IT GETS THE BASICS SO HERE
ID under cut! Also if you have trouble reading my shite handwriting lol:
[ID: Two fully-colored character reference images.
The first is for Po, a short, fat, hairy white man. He has a round face with uneven facial hair; brown hair and a brown eye; a round nose; and a patch over his left eye, wearing a silver monocle with a blue gem over his right eye to compensate. He has a large scar on his left arm, and two smaller scars on his right elbow. Po’s wearing a dark gray sleeveless turtleneck, which becomes light gray from below his chest, with a small light gray strip of fabric across his chest; puffy, dark gray cargo pants; gray combat boots; and dark gray, fingerless gloves. On his right arm is the capture styler from the Pokémon Ranger games. The main text on the reference sheet reads: “Top Ranger Apollo (Po!).” “Age during… ORAS: Nine ; Platinum: 11 ; BW: 15 ; B2W2: 17 ; XY: 18 ; PR:SOA: 18+, ongoing job as a TR (top ranger) ; SuMo: 21 (an arrow points to this with the text, “Also counts for P:LA) ; SwSh: 23.” “Main Partner: Munchlax.” “Currently Dating: Sven.” “Family: Adopted by Archie and Maxie. Cyrus is a brother-figure.” Besides the main text, there's small text acting as little fact tidbits. Next to Po, one reads, "he/him gay bear." Another reads "autistic as all..." and another reads "5'4" Short King." I feel cringe just typing that, so sorry. There's three other instances of smaller text; one is pointed at Po's clothing, that reads, "Wears all gray because, "They needed an edgy Top Ranger.'" ; another is pointed at the top of Po's head, that reads, "Got fucked up during the cargo ship accident. Lost eye." ; the last one is pointed at Po's left ear, which has three round piercings in it, which reads, "3 mega evolution stones. Why?" The arrow also leads back to a more detailed view of the stones in question.
The second is for Valerio, a short, thin, brown young man. He has a long, rounded face; jaw-length brown hair swept back, exposing a widow's peak; a thin, hooked nose; brown eyes; and he has two facial scars, one above his right eye, one on his lower left jaw. He's wearing a shortened indigo kimono, with dark blue puffy pants and beige sandals. Next to Valerio are two small images of him with his mobility aids, in fact titled "Val's Mobility Aids,"; the first shows Val with a walking cane, the second shows Val speeding along in his wheelchair. The main reference text reads: "Valerio." "At age 17, was teleported to Hisui. Returned about a year later at 18. Decided to commit to the island challenge." "Starter: Rowlet (small text underneath this says "Both Hisui & Alola!")" Like Po, there's small sections of text acting as fact tidbits. Next to Valerio, it reads, "he/him gay, intersex man." An arrow points at Valerio's face through a bunch of hearts. It just leads to the word "BABY!!!" written in all caps. An arrow below that, pointing at his sleeve, leads to text that reads, "Got some fucked up scars under here..." Lower still is an arrow placed at his legs, text reads, "Has CFS & chronic pain." Below that, pointing at his pants, text reads, "Puffy pants (essential)." Below that, pointing at his calves, text reads, "Small (important)." On the other side of his body, where his mobility aid references are, an arrow points at the wheelchair image, text reading, "Loves to be speedy in his wheelchair, even if it hurts his arms afterwards." Finally, an arrow above that points at his clothes, text reading, "Regularly wears kimonos even after getting home. Comfy..."
END ID.]
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Oh my god I don't have good and fancy words for it but I'm so tired of the fucking polarisation spiral. The whole 'those people and these people and their stupid barbaric selfish people and our good intelligent kind people'. The fucking separation of it all - "I won't do politics unless that guy stops being a politician, I don't want to play until the playing field is fair, I don't want to vote until those people stop voting". Oh my god!! Who do you think has the power to make the playing field fair!!! That's you baby!!! Are you really truly any better than 'those people' who stereotype and judge others? Of course you can disagree with someone, of course you can dislike a politician and their views and of course you can dislike it when someone agrees with those views. And of course you can dislike spending time with a group of people because of their views! But dismissing an entire group of people as barbaric and stupid and not worth your time and even subhuman (?!) because of their views? Be serious. How will that ever fucking help. Do you think separating the good people from the bad people has ever resulted in anything good at all ever? You know what helps? Talking to each other. Finding common ground. Good, you both like baking. Good, you both live on the same street. Good, you both like the name Ruth. Or fucking whatever. And then go from there. Try to maybe listen and understand each other for once. I'm not talking about forgiving people who plan on taking away your human rights or who would rather see you dead. Obviously. I'm not saying you should find the nearest 'bad person' and befriend them. Obviously. But take a good look at yourself pleasseeeeee. What do you mean 'bad person'? If you believe hatred is taught, have you ever caught yourself believing in the innate evil of a trump supporter, have you ever considered them beyond saving? If you believe empathy is human, have you ever checked if your thoughts still mean the same, does "i hate men" still carry the same value, do you still look at men the same way you did before you started saying that? Do you catch yourself stripping away hobbies and feelings and meaningful relationships from 'those' people, do you consider yourself above them? Do you praise and celebrate when people change for the better or do you hold on to what they used to do and put all your focus on what they still need to learn? A homophobe might meet a gay man and consider him one of the good ones, and that's a good start. That's not the end but it's a good fucking start. If your politics are in-group/out-group politics you are not helping and you do not have the interest of your fellow people at heart. If your beliefs have pushed you to the point you hate a certain group so much you think it's better if they're dead? I'm asking you to think about that a little, okay? Maybe go outside. Talk to people. Jesus christ.
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