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#and my fucking partner is alone at home

sga-owns-my-soul · 1 year

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ignore this but i need to fucking vent bc i'm in tears in a fucking university and i really need to just. fucking.

my friends asked me to come rock climbing and i said maybe, and then said i wouldn't go bc i'm exhausted and have to be up early for work, and they said we could do something else after they go rock climbing, so i was like ok fine i guess we can go for a drink. and i was gonna meet them at the restaurant but they said they'd come pick me up first and then they BRING ME

TO THE FUCKING ROCK WALL

THAT I CANT EVEN WAIT INSIDE WITHOUT PAYING ADMISSION

so now i'm sitting alone in the hallway of a random fucking university with tears in my eyes bc my friends decided to fuck all our plans over last minute and NOT FUCKING TELL ME and now i'm over an hour and a half away from home and i'm so fucking miserable and mad and upset and i just. wanna scream

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somecunttookmyurl · 2 years

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all the while society conflates "being an adult" with "having a proper job" and "having money to make arbitrary Adult Purchases" disabled people who can't work - or can only work part time or can only do entry level baby jobs - will never be 'allowed' to be adults

you can say "being an adult is looking after yourself you don't have to have a job!!!" all you want but most people who say that will still assume anybody who doesn't either can't or won't 'look after themselves' actually. and every 'marker' of 'adulthood' that's observable and thus actually counts or whatever loops back around to... having a job and 'contributing' something

#yeah i have netflix on all day #i am quite literally signed off of work for the -rest of my life-#what the fuck else would you like me to do with my time when most people are in fact at work #or did you think i can't have the tv on and put laundry away at the same time or something #must i work on commissions on silence in a dour room to be perceived as an adult #anyway 'looking after yourself/your home/your pet' is not observable #to anybody who doesn't like ACTUALLY live in your house #unless you are extremely obviously NOT doing it #if a tree falls in a forest etc #owning a house? job. like not even 'in this economy? lol'#disabled people LITERALLY can't because we aren't allowed to have enough savings for a deposit #car? would you honestly trust me with a vehicle lol but also: job #you mostly cannot buy a car without one it's a requirement for the lease #otherwise you aren't 'trusted' to pay it on time #incidentally most landlords will also - perfectly legally - refuse to rent to you because you are going to be unreliable with the rent #which is being paid directly by the gov anyway like take your trust issues up with them bro #a family? if i get married or cohabit with a partner my income gets sliced in half #so to support even myself let alone a child would require. drumroll please. employment #savings? adults have savings right? yeah but unlike you i have a gov enforced cap on mine #'good furniture not shit from ikea' (someone has remarked that ikea furniture is 'college dorm-y' it's going here)#i mean do i have to say it

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bunnihearted · 3 months

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i've also realized that there is no therapy that can fix what's broken inside of me

#therapy wont give me a place to belong. a person to call my home.#therapy where i sit and talk about how all i want is to love and be loved and i'll never feel whole without it wont solve anything #guess i just need to study and get an education for a job that i think i could be capable of #and then distract myself with books and shows and nature #the problem is that loneliness permeates my every cell and my every moment and being #im losing interest in humanity and society #literature is barely even interesting to me anymore bc i feel so fkn far away from humanity #and what makes u human.. that i cant connect with any of what i try to consume #i just... dont care. music doesnt even do anything for me anymore #i feel so numb in one way #but also i often feel like im panicking. how is this possible? how did i end up here?#im like actually fading away from this earth and it sometimes feels like #it wont even matter if i do #what is trying to take ahold of me and stop me from fading....?#idec anymore. even if i do get a job and an apartment i'll still be empty bc all i want is. smth i can never have? is that really how it is #i dont even require that much #that is what is so .. terrible almost #i just want one connection that is special to us both. smth close smth deep smth that i can pour everything into #i look around and almost everyone have more than one person even by them.... what did i do wrong?#i must've done smth very very wrong from the start to even end up here #it doesnt matter. i fade and i fade and i fade... i think i will keep doing so #because no matter how much other ppl - ppl who themselves have love and closeness in their lives. who have friends and partners and family.#no matter how much they parrot empty lines of 'learn how to be alone!!' 'life can be whole and fulfilled even alone' ..#i dont want that. i really dont. deep in my soul i do not want that #so their words are completely... condescending even. yes i CAN do all of that. i mean fuck #i am surviving feeling alone more than most of them are since they have ppl around them lmao #but i just dont want it. i am a person meant for a deep connection... i dont even need it with multiple people #without that i feel like i am dying and nothing else matters #besides i know it's possible bc i have felt that with a person at this time of my life #so i know that it's not smth distant or unachievable... it does exist and i want it bc it's the only thing that made me

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opens-up-4-nobody · 7 months

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...

#its so weird. i feel like march 5th went on for more than a day somehow. i guess that's just bc we were awake for just abt all of it #my dad wanted to start doing things immediately so he was calling and scheduling all day. we went to the funeral home we went to the store #and it was weird bc as we were moving around it was like wow we r a 4 person family now. this is it. and theres so much to do after a person #dies. or at least there is when they were loved so much and jesus christ my mom was one of the best ppl a LOT of ppl knew. she did so much #for so so many ppl. and with her childhood she had every reason to b a fuck up but no she was kind and selfless and amazing. her mother is #trying to bask in the attention of her death when its like: truely go fuck urself. her being such a good person has nothing to do with u. u #treated her appallingly. fuck off. and fucking everyone knows it. god. she is a product of her grandparents kindness. and it sounds like her #dad was amazing like her. but he tragically died in a car wreck when she was 3. she was in the car. no one in my mums family believes in a #god now. too many bad things happened to the shining gems in a collection of wild alcoholics. but its not all bad. my family's staying close #my dad is taking it hard bc this means hes alone now and my mum took care of so many things bc she was so smart and he feels so dumb. he #feels he didnt deserve her. hes working on giving more hugs now. and hes using us to anxiously talk things out the way he did with mom #which is good. i cant imagine if this happened when we werent 3 adults and he was windowed with 3 kids to raise himself. and its funny. were #saying things we never would have told her. we looked thru pictures of her and she was so so beautiful. a total smoke show. my parents were #a cute couple who produced cute kids. and my mom had trouble communicating and being affectionate tho we knew she loved us there was #distance. theres a pic of my dad pulling her close and shes being tippef towarf her while standing away and thats indicitive of their #relationship. they were 2 partners who lived together independently and that worked but its sad bc my mum couldnt b vulnerable in her #expression. ppl r being so kind tho. ill be in ohio now for like 2.5 more weeks as the funeral stuff shakes out. we have to have 2 bc she #grew up away from her and so many ppl loved her in both locations. she was a popular lady. its so weird to b here on pause. but i feel clear #in my head. i think this will change a lot of my outlook on life. its nice to focus on the person she was and not the horrible 12hrs where i #saw her half dead. i cant imagine how awful it was for my sisters and dad to see her downslide into death. she didnt expect this to b The #Fever that killed her but it did and now she'll never finish a million things. and the house is full of pill bottles and all her junk and #unopened amazon packages and a truck with the fuel left on empty. bc she was an absent minded goofball. ay. well miss her so much #unrelated

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bluesey-182 · 2 months

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look, my dad is not a perfect man and he's not faultless in how disfunctional my parent's marriage is but at the same time I've been watching my mom bully him my whole life and now that my man-hating oma is living there with them it's even worse because now they tag team to make him miserable and it makes me so fucking angry

#text post #don't reblog #my mom had to borrow our car to take her dad to an appointment bc he can't get in any of the other vehicles #so she came over to drop it off and then walked next door to my aunt's house so they could go to a concert #and my mom's sitting in my kitchen on the phone with my dad informing him that once again my oma hired someone #to come do major work at the house (this time trimming all the trees) and he's not allowed to get mad #and my dad is just quit on the other line and then asks 'they're not doing anything to the apple tree right?'#bc genuinely i know my dad is upset they're springing shit on him without asking for his input again #but i also know the thing that would send him over the edge is the apple tree bc he loves that thing #and my mom just starts SCREAMING at him on the phone and then hangs up before he can respond #and then she starts yelling about him to me #and I'm sitting here like 'why the FUCK do you and oma keep doing this shit to him?'#i would never fucking do that to my partner #and now my dad's gonna go home and he's not gonna have anything to do and he's gonna feel like shit all night alone

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nonegenderleftpain · 1 year

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So I see so many people coddling cis people's feelings about their partners transitioning, and I'm normally very polite about it because attraction is complicated. But honestly, cis people?

Do better.

My partner is the straightest fucking cis man I have ever met in my life. When I came out, it was very hard for him. But I did not know that at first, because he did not make it my problem. He dealt with the initial shock on his own, rather than push it on me when I was most vulnerable, and then later, we worked through it as a team. Because he loves me and our relationship is important to him. He's not attracted to men. At all. Repulsed, actually. But he is still with me, and is attracted to *me.* I have a full fucking beard and ass hair, and we have made it work.

Normally I would add a "I know it can't work for everyone and that's okay" disclaimer, but I'm not doing that today. Do better. Do better for your partners, who you say you love so much. Put your money where your mouth is. If my autistic, laser straight partner can do it after he'd been with me as a woman for five years, so can you.

#this post brought to you by my partner driving across the city to rescue me when i was having a panic attack in a LIGHTNING STORM #because my phone had died and i didnt know how to get home and i knew if someone saw me in hysterics in my cab i could be in danger #because i look like a man now #and him sitting with me in the cab of my truck holding my hand with my head on his chest until i could breathe again #this man was being visibly gay in public #it doesn't matter that hes straight and our relationship is complicated by my gender identity #he was being visibly gay in public because he loves me more than he cares about how others view us #more than his need to cling to a rigid identity for the sake of toxic masculinity #more than his preference to be completely non-offensive and invisible in most situations #when he goes out alone he is invisible #when we go out together - him with the crippled tranny jew on his arm - he is the center of attention #and he does not hesitate to go out with me. to be seen with me. to love me openly.#so fucking do better or get the fuck out #gender stuff #trans

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anhedoniashoujo · 10 months

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i need an 18 month coma that robs me of all muscle and fat and everyone forgets about me

#i want to start over #i want to be held #i dont just need consistency. i need to physically be close to someone.#i need to burrow into your flesh. i need to be able to curl up in your lap on the couch whenever i want.#i need a nesting partner #i am surrounded by people who love me and i feel alone #it's so fucked #i just want to crawl into bed and sleep #i miss my space heater #i want to go home #but home would be a person

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neon-danger · 2 months

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call me crazy but I don’t hate the umbrella academy season 4

#spoilers in the tags #like idk #Lila and five was weird but I could totally see 5 finally finding a partner and latching on too tightly #it didn’t have to be Lila ffs #but I don’t think it breaks his character to not tell Lila about the way home immediately #this is a 62 year old man #who spent a majority of that time alone in an apocalyptic wasteland #with an unhealthy attachment to a mannequin #and that’s not to belittle his relationship with Delores #my atl poster is one of my closest friends to this day #it is VERY easy to build an attachment like that to an inanimate object when you’re that lonely #now imagine five finally has a chance to settle down after 62 fucking years of constantly running and chasing a way to save the world #and the universe basically gave him a second chance to actually live #to be in love and be loved #in a timeline where there is peace #it is entirely human to want to hold on to that for as long as possible #regardless of what you miss because of it #‘they broke 5’s character’ is the weirdest take for me #because finding a way to regain control over your never ending eternal nightmare of a life #is one of the most human responses to trauma I have ever seen portrayed #it did NOT have to be Lila #and I will be forever mad that they paired him with Lila #but Five is not any less himself at the end of the series as he was at the start #he got to experience something a vast majority of the other fives never would #and that’s what makes him OUR FIVE #if our Five hadn’t had that moment of peace he’d have continued the same cycle of every other alternate five trying to fix the timeline #the umbrella academy spoilers #tua spoilers #tua season 4

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cherriesandcharms · 2 months

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.

#when we were leaving work today one of the other ladies was talking about #how happy she was to go home to an empty house for a change #bc her partner was away #and the others started agreeing how they would love that #and i just kinda stayed quiet #bc i know im in a super privileged position to live alone #and have that peace and calm as my norm #but also i cant express how much i would give to come home and be greeted by my partner #i miss him so fucking much #and the loneliness has been kicking in lately #and i do appreciate my alone time #but god i want them around

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aftermathing · 3 months

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.

#Howwwww is it 5am already I want to go home #I begged my parents and sibling to let me go home to my own bed and they wouldn't let me #I don't want to be the solution to our family problems I want to go be alone and not here #I understand me being around more would make our parents nicer and give my siblings someome sane to talk to #But I want to die and I don't want to be here and I don't care about any of these people #Once again them forcing me to go to their house made me miss an assignment. So that class is genuinely failed now.#It makes me so frustrated I could cry. Every time I say I'm doing school work #Or say I can't drop everything and drive forty minutes to their house. they laugh at me #They genuinely laugh and say I'm such a liar and I'm faking and there's no way I ever do any school work #I'm actually shaking I'm so frustrated they don't understand. That's how long it takes me.#Why can't they just realize I'm a dumbass fucking idiot. I'm so fucking stupid #I'm literally so stupid. Intellectually I'm a fucking idiot and I am so useless and slow.#Stop trying to believe I have potential to fucking waste #The fact is there is no potential but I'm fucking wasting anyway #I'm so. Dumb. When I say I'm doing school work I mean I looked at the tab and got nervous about how overdue #everything is and how I'm failing and everyone wants me to leave my safety for their own inane bullshit #I wouldn't be failing this class at all if I had been able to complete the first week on time #instead of like. sitting outside a convention center alone and in agony for Five (5) hours.#Kudos to the devil for creating the exact perfect circumstances to kill me in particular #I should reach out and go to a friend's house and it would be good for me. But.#There's no way I'm going to see or speak to anyone in this state of everything #Everyone else around me seems to have improved in mental health I'm not going to ruin that by making them let me come over #No one really believes any of the problems I have like even I don't. how are you that stupid. just stop having these problems.#I can't go to a friend's house when I have problems like this. Last time I had a breakdown and scared the fucking host and #their partner had to be the one to comfort me because I was crying too loud for autistic ears :(#I can't do that to anyone again #I'm not kidding when I say I'm a huge burden genuinely I exist to be upsetting and inconvenient and frustrating #I am literally the most selfish person to ever have existed. Just objectively. I don't care about anyone or anything at all.#I don't love my friends or my family and I don't care about what they want or need. truthfully.#I just want to sit in my tiny room where nothing changes and no one expects me to drive anywhere holy fucking shit it's 6am

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pepprs · 2 years

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i will shut up abt this i promise but like. the concept of being in a stable safe mutually loving whatever relationship is INSANE . like how can you ever feel bad about yourself or wounded or whatever again. it’s like a superpower or somethi ng. <- doesn’t know what she’s taking abt bc she’s never experienced it or the absence of it after having it merely the negative space of it and is filling in the gaps w logic or something. but it’s INSANE to me. like of course i feel like shit about myself i am catcrumb unloved.jpg!

#purrs #imbeing insane about it i know it’s not that simple / reductive and i will still feel like shit abt myself once im in a relationshp (if i #get to be ♥️) and there are lots of other legitimate reasons to feel shit agtbyiurself. but it’s like no ficking wonder i feel inadequate i #am a 24 year old who lives at home and has never held a hand or whatever next to two 50sometjinf year old married men with pets and phds. of #course i am going to feel inadequate and stupid and lonely. like i canttttt 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂💀💀💀💀💀💀💀 and th w worst part is you can’t just go out into #the world saying that and looking for that it has to find you so i will not join any dating apps or whatever but i don’t fucking go anywhere #so im not going to meet anyone and i knowi am so young and stupid and just having a horrible day that is reminding me of horrors. but the #way i am mentally shoving my whole fist in my mouth. OF COURSE I FEEL LIKE SHIT I DONT HAVE A LIFE PARTNER!!!!!!!!!!!! I DONT HAVE THAT #SAFETY AND STABILITY AND TRUST AND UNCONDITIONAL LOVE!!!!!!!! AND I NEVER HAVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#delete later #like this is what makes me crazy abt parents and kids too and whyi don’t think ihave kids. bc i think (and i know this is wrong / unhealthy)#it is a primal human need to be mutually someone else’s number 1 person and when you have kids it’s like you’re gonna love your partner more #than the kids and then the kids (read: me) watch that and get fucked up over it. but also that could just be me reacting to the UNSPEAKABLE #psychological damage of being a twin. which again is ridiculous bc it’s n out like abuse i just had to share something with someone else si #since before i was born and ofc there was more like actually kind of abusive stuff on top of it LOL but that aside. idk what im saying i #just feel so crazy. the amount of composure it takes me every day to not start SCREAMING with frustration and envy when i see ppl being #RIGHTFULLY DESERVEDLY visibly confident and loved. like ok valentines grinch go sit in the drainage pond forever please. but it’s so crazy #like how are you supposed to go through the world unaware of how much love you’re missing out on because you’re young and then you realize I #it and then somehow you miss the train and you are scared you are going to d*e alone ♥️ im normal

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magnoliamyrrh · 2 years

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i think that whole "never felt safe growing up and most of my life" thing did real damage to my psyche lmao

#......... whole damn childhood of not feeling safe. i think... the one place i can even think of where i was truly comfortable was my aunts #house. and id see her rarely and not get to stay w her that often/long...#.... apart from that?.... just constant fucking fear and wanting to escape and be left alone #... when i got older like middle high college id feel somewhat safe at friends houses. but i always dreaded having to go home #when i lived at college was... the first time i actually lived somewhere where i felt kinda safe and at home. but my parents made sure to #remind me that it wasnt my actual home lmaoo and that they could take it away at any moment #just like how after we moved from romania i had to hear all the time. while i was stuck in a foreign country as a kid. that my room isnt my #own nothing is my own i owe them everything privacy wasnt allowed etc etc #...... after college i lived w my partner in the ghetto. like shots outside 7+ times a day sorta ghetto. i literally felt safer and more #comfortable and vibing and chill than i did at home with my parents?? lmaoo jfc i actually miss it #apart from that... probably the second time i was in the psych ward lol #and after i come back from romania its gonna be months again of having to stay alone w my stepfather whose like. weirdly sexually attracted #to me and loud and agressive and it just. triggers me so fucking much. god. i hate all this. i hate all this #twenty two fucking years of knowing little else than fucking fear and loneliness. i just. want. to feel safe.#for fucking once #so often i just wanna curl up in a borrow and never come out. thats all i want. im so tired. im so tired of this

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butchlifeguard · 8 months

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i love when my parents talk about me when they think i cant hear them 🤑🤑

#mom said im a control freak #this is because when i lose control i fuck up and will ruin my chances of having a future hope this fucking helps #also. said by someone whos only home half the time and half of that time im at school. you dont know me lmao #im not pretending im perfect but you dont see me shut the fuck up and take it for like five hours a day #even like yesterday. took 20 mins to get out of bed. my assigned partner hasnt put a word down on our doc #seating chart in my next class left me pretty much alone. fucking panic attack #i had to stay 30 minutes after to finish an assignment because i didnt do it fast enough #because when im not hard on myself i dont get anything fucking done!

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bunnihearted · 8 months

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hmm rn i just wnna be someone's gf. living together. cooking together. just hugging them in the scary cold lonely night :(( holding hands while brushing our teeth. cuddling while watching tv... idk just that comfort. i want it >.<

#i was just watching.... andrew nd chris' cooking video and started thinking abt this lol #whenever im in pain i get these feelings even more bc i feel the loneliness of being... alone even more skskksks 💀#idk i just also like the idea of being able to spend evenings/nights w thme bc we live together so yeah #idk i just want to hug someone nd feel close to them T-T to know im not alone in the world to face these fears nd horrors #wewoeoeowooeoroeowowooeoeoeoeow i haaaaaaate admitting these feelings or talking abt them but yeh #i was just daydreaming abt being a gf and making fucking tea for my partner.. in our kitchen.. at night time #and then when i sit on the counter they'll circle their arms around my waist and hug me tight #while we wait for the kettle to boil da water.... 😳🥴🧍🏻‍♀️#i havent had a hug in years and i've never had a really close hug #sigh sigh sigh i dont know. idk if i could do this and not die out of embarrassment of being a person but #wth... watching that cooking video started a whole daydream scenario for me like #now me nd my hypothetical partner are playing hide and seek in our home in the middle of the night wtfff..... 🧍🏻‍♀️#📓💭

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pallases · 8 months

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everything’s falling APARTTTT

#personal #the engineering chronicles #didn’t finish probability hw + have lab in that class no clue how to do it + couldn’t get into lab to finish lab for other class bc my lab #access card is missing and the guy the website says to contact for replacements isn’t replying to my emails + was going to work on it w lab #partner but she decided to fuck off and do it on her own so now there is literally no way for me to finish it since no one is ever in there #to let me in when i look + we’re not allowed to be in there alone anyway + ON TOP OF THAT will have to leave the next lab for that class #halfway thru so probably won’t finish that lab either + diffeq group project due tmrw that ive done most of and no one else has touched #since i did what i did + physics exam tmrw.#also we’re going over circuits exams today so i will need to see my probably solid 20% on that YAYYYY #i just want to go home and paint and glaze my cats good fucking god #the physics chronicles #the calc chronicles #<- it’s not but i don’t want to make a new tag for diffeq #edit why did my grandma send me a text saying ‘one more day!’ immediately after i posted this WRDHFN 😭

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maraeffect · 11 months

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there is literally not a worse feeling that exists than the feeling that you just annoy people.

#just doesn't exist. I'm so fucking isolated right now i absolutely hate it. and the people that ARE close to me?#i feel that i annoy them the most and one of them is actively pushing me away #i can't find anyone to be friends with me IRL here in Jersey. it's been almost nine months here #and I don't have a single IRL friend. i try online apps and support groups but nothing clicks #and the people that chat with me on the apps stop answering after 2 messages.#my own best friend of like 8 years won't even fucking talk to me. not bc she hates me or anything #but she is so fucking caught up in her own head that she literally avoids me. so that sucks!!#i know she's suffering bc she is so worried about me but. it's a really big slap in the face that #we've supported each other thru thick and thin the past 8 years. and i dropped everything for her more than once #but in my time of biggest need when I'm the most alone I've ever been in my adult life???#she cannot show up for me. that fucking sucks.#and I've distanced myself from my only close family bc they've severely mistreated me so.#all i have is my partner. who means the world to me and sacrifices so much to help me!!#but it comes at the cost of CONSTANTLY feeling like a huge fucking annoyance to the only person in my life #who is genuinely able to show that they love and care for me. that's literally awful to feel.#we just had our 5 year anniversary and i needed something really celebratory so badly.#and it didn't happen and our ''anniversary'' was just at home #and our official anniversary of starting dating is on veterans Day. and we won't even be in the same fucking region #so I'll be alone with my shitty family.#i hate it i feel so unappreciated and unwanted and like nothing about me is ever enough.#negative #audio

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