#and naturally now that i have i am so mentally and emotionally drained i can barely string a sentence together

[uhbasicallyjustmilex]

me waiting for my writer’s block to fuck off and leave me alone so i can finish this chapter:

[knotmycupofchai]

🤍 What’s next for you? 🤍

* Left to right*

Pile #1

Hematite: You will find relief from an extremely mentally, emotionally or externally turbulent time. As the rain washes a way, you will experience a cleanse.

This may have been a time of constant worries regarding your individuality or unnecessary attachments to superficiality & the ego. Now you will refocus & reprioritize what truly matters. The next 8 months you’ll be paying attention to how something makes you feel, instead of how it’s looks on you or for you. Less time spent on external validation, keeping appearances or unsolicited opinions or advice. So expect a makeover that’s just for YOU. Dressing for yourself. Weeding through thoughts, mindsets, opinions or beliefs that aren’t yours, will lift weight off your shoulders. You are going through a reinvention, renovation or renewal period. Take the steps needed to build the future you. What do you see 5 years from now?

Pile #2

Serpentine: Come back down into your body & get out of your head. You may be a creator or artist, that’s going through a creative funk. Go out & be present. Let nature, a party, a festival or the city inspire you. Your art may be lacking at this time, because you’re running on autopilot. Make something without thinking about it too hard. You’re being called to move, instead of overthinking. Go with the flow. Pay attention to your dreams or any sudden visions of creations that flash through your mind. Starting taking consistent action towards your manifestations & watch the pieces come together. 🖼️

What can you create? Where is your inspiration coming from? What are you channeling into your art? How do you allow feelings, of being stuck motivate you?

Pile #3

Carnelian/ Orange Calcite: You have a passion you want to pursue or an idea that you want to test out. You been creating or birthing something ( a home, painting, design, a baby, music, a video, a book or a podcast). You’re channeling your hardships ( breakups, trauma or just life experiences into something beautiful. This could just be simply healing, learning from the past. Turning your lemons into lemonade, maybe even expanding upon that and— lemon meringue. Know that recognition & blessings are coming for your hard work. Protect your sacred creation until it is ready to be released. Financial, material, spiritual & emotional abundance is indicated. You are being called to use your voice & express yourself. Enjoy every minute of this. You deserve it.

*also remember to take care & nourish your body.

What am I giving birth to you? How do I express myself? Am I utilizing my true voice? How am I growing? What’s coming to fruition? How can I protect & tend to my garden? Will I receive & enjoy my fruits? 🍒

Pile #4

Amethyst: Take a look at your relationships & environment. Are they in alignment with you? This a time to make choices, that are in your best interest. Release any people pleasing tendencies, that hold you back from your best self or opportunities. Be mindful, starting fresh doesn’t mean failure or giving up. The smallest moves make the difference. Starting fresh or removing somethings, may be the momentum you need. A big change is coming & am significant accomplishment is in the near future. Don’t give up. Keep showing up for yourself, trust & have faith that, you’ll end up where you’re needed.

Are you a blood bag? A door mat? How do I overlook opportunities? Why do I abandon & neglect my needs? Who’s asking too much of me? What’s no longer filling my cup? What am I pouring into, that is draining me dry?

[imhereforscm]

These past couple of weeks have been incredibly trying and I'm probably more of a wreck inside. Don't worry about this if you're burnt out from writing all the fluffbury fics but I could do with something comforting and maybe a little silly from one of the Gods.

I don't even really care which one right now. Huedaut or Tauxolouve would be fine, or if you fancy writing him I'll take Aigo.

Thank you, sorry to bug you.

"Like the lake"

Genre: comfort

Pairing: Huedhaut × reader

Warnings: none

A/N: Hello, dearest! You're not "bugging" me or anything!!💕💗💕💕💗💕💗 I'm thankful you reached out and I'm proud of you for doing so💕💕💕💕💕💕 I hope this is satisfactory. If it's not, I will write something else💗💗💗💗

Your heavy sigh, which made your shoulders rise and fall, made Huedhaut's lips part from the metallic instrument. His sapphire eyes turned to your head, with was lowered, your eyes casted upon the grass.

"(Name)?" Huedhaut spoke up, the notes of his song still lingering in the air, even though his playing has ceased.

You hummed, shifting a little, so your neck could angle and your gaze to meet his.

"What's the matter?"

"Nothing." You shook your head, yet your eyes fell once more, your line of sight landing by his white boots, where a small light blue flower was peeking from between the grass, close to the roots of a tree.

Huedhaut chose to stay silent and inspect you, his lips pursing the more he searched for that light you usually have, but couldn't seem find it. He sighed, just like you did before. "You're usually more reactive to my music."

"I like it." You said, head tilting upwards a little. "I do."

"I know, that's not what I implied, darling." Huedhaut placed his flute on a stack of music sheets and made his way to your side. He crouched down and sat by your side on the grass, his eyes finding the lake that spread out in front of you. "Usually, you steal glances at me, your body sways like a leaf in the breeze... You close your eyes and smile." He turned his head to the left, facing you. "Something is wrong, isn't it? You can tell me."

You breathed, filling your lungs with enough oxygen to get you through this. "I'm just tired. Physically and... Well, mentally." You paused, cutting some grass and holding it in your palm. "These past couple of weeks have been incredibly tiring and I'm probably more of a wreck inside." You began tiering the grass apart, using your fingers and turning it to small pieces. "So it's not like I don't like your music or anything, it's just... I'm really tired inside too."

"I see." Huedhaut nodded, his left arm spreading like the wing of a dove and wrapping you within it.

"You're warm." You said, voice quiet. "It's nice."

"I'm glad." He said, just as quietly, as if your intimacy was a secret kept even from the trees. "Listen... Life can be tiring and very much demanding. But you'll get through this. There come high and low points in life, that's the natural order. You're not loosing track of things, this is how it is and you're doing a wonderful job managing it."

"Am I? Why am I so drained then?"

"Sometimes we feel emotionally drained after something so... Hectic." He titled his head to the side, resting it atop of your own. "Look at the lake."

"Okay. I'm looking." You said, nuzzling closer into his body.

"Its waters have seen sunny days, rainy days, stormy days and even snowy days." He began to say, his voice low and as melodic as his music. "But it remains here, giving light to the grass around it."

"I'm so exhausted, I don't know if comparing me to a centuries old lake is appropriate."

Huedhaut's head shifted and he pressed his lips to your soft hair, leaving a sweet kiss there. "Trust me, it's fitting. Just like my love for you. Standing there for centuries."

You smiled and he squeezed you close, his other hand wrapping around your waist as well.

"Finally, you smiled." He said and chuckled softly, the vibrations of it traveling through his body to yours. "And here I was, thinking I was left with only one option."

"What option?" You asked, peering up at him with eyes dipped in suspicion. "Hue..."

He laughed more, sunrays diving into the depth of his crystalline irises. "Don't frown or else I might have to do it."

"Do wha-?!" You pulled away, your eyebrows furrowing as a chill ran down your spine, at the thought of the countless possibilities swirling around his mind. But true to his words and vows, your sentence was cut short, when his fingertips found your sides and began teasing your sensitive skin above your clothes. "Hue!" You cried out his name, your vocal cords twisting loudly as you fell on your back.

He laughed as he hovered above you, his fingers determined and never leaving your sides, no matter how much you thrashed around. "I told you to smile. You brought this..." His laughter added a gap to his words. "You brought this upon yourself...!"

Afternoon light washed over the grass and the lake, making its waters shine, like hundreds of diamonds were tossed into its depths and swaying with the gentle winds, that caused the water to ripple and the pages of Huedhaut's music sheets to turn. And as the diamonds did their dance, your laughter echoed through the tree trunks and Huedhaut's heart filled with bliss at the sight of your grin.

[teegeeteegee]

WIP Wednesday

This is something new I'm trying. Every Wednesday, I plan to post a WIP of a fic I'm working on. From there, I'll decide if I'll upload it to AO3 or not. If I do, I'll post a link to the story in the future.

With that said, here is the first one. It's an as of now untitled Luaisy Christmas fic with some Mareach sprinkled in. It's a first-person one based on Luigi's POV.

A small snowflake slowly landed harmlessly on my nose as I focused on the horizon before me. It started snowing a few minutes ago after I stepped out on one of the many balconies outside of Princess Peach’s castle. The princess was hosting her annual Christmas party: a tradition that began five years ago after Mario and I introduced the holiday to the Mushroom Kingdom.

It started when she visited Mario and I out of the blue when we were in the middle of exchanging gifts. Witnessing that and the tree and decorations, she was curious to know what was going on. We explained to her we were celebrating Christmas, which is a holiday that comes from our world. We also explained why it’s celebrated and what we do during it. Upon hearing our explanation, her eyes lit up like Christmas lights, and she wanted Christmas to become an official holiday in the Mushroom Kingdom. The first thing she did was decide to throw a party at the castle the following week and invite everyone from around the kingdom to attend. The party was a booming success and thus, an annual Christmas party tradition was born.

The party was still going on downstairs, and everything seemed to go without a hitch when I stepped away. Last year, Bowser crashed the party and threatened not to leave unless he received a Christmas kiss from the princess underneath some mistletoe. Thanks to some quick thinking from her, however, it resulted in one of the most memorable Christmas moments in my life. Long story short, the princess agreed to his demand and got Bowser’s hopes up, only for her to sneak away and have Birdo kiss him instead. Bowser completely freaked out and hightailed it out of the castle with Birdo hot on his tail while seductively puckering her lips. It was reminiscent of when Bowser tried to get a kiss from the princess after winning (i.e., cheating) a tennis tournament a few years back. Fortunately, there haven’t been any signs of him, and I sincerely hoped it stayed that way.

Leaning on the balcony rail, a relieved sigh escaped from my lips as I welcomed the quiet solitude. I have never been much of a party person, especially ones with huge gatherings. Nonetheless, I have attended every single one the princess hosted, and this year’s Christmas bash was no different. Now, don’t get me wrong; I’m not antisocial or anything like that. Despite my shy and introverted nature, I can mingle with other people when the situation calls for it. In addition, the Toads, Toadsworth, and the princess are really nice to talk to. It’s just that I can only do it for so long before I become emotionally drained and need to both physically and mentally retreat to somewhere less noisy and recharge. Needless to say, I am currently at that point. The plan is to be alone for a little while then return to the festivities before Mario started searching for me.

My arms folded over my chest as a harsh wind assailed me while flying by. It made me regret not grabbing my suit jacket before coming outside, but it can’t be helped now. I chuckle to myself before continuing to brave the wind chill. I was deep in my thoughts when a pair of gloved hands covered my eyes.

“Guess who?” a husky yet familiar voice breathed into my ear.

My heart skipped a beat at the voice because I knew exactly who it was. However, I tried to play it cool externally and decided to have some fun.

“Mario, you really need more practice with your female voice impersonations,” I said with a cheeky smile.

“Very funny, you jerk!” the person laughed as the hands released their grip from my eyes, followed by one of them playfully slapping the back of my shoulder.

I turned around and found myself entranced by the beaming smile on the beautiful face of Princess Daisy. Upon recovering, a wide smile formed on my face; her smile is so contagious that people can’t help but smile in return. I was perhaps the most vulnerable to it. She enveloped me with a snug hug with her cheek resting against mine, causing me to stiffen and my own cheeks to heat up before returning said hug. I took in her heavenly floral scent while our bodies were together. She really gives the best hugs, at least the ones that don’t cause my ribs to pierce my vital organs.

“Nice to see you again, Luigi,” she said after releasing the hug. She then dusted some invisible lint from my shoulder. “You look great.”

“Thanks. So do you,” I said.

That wasn’t me complimenting her just to be nice; she really did look great. Actually, great doesn’t do her justice; she looked outright stunning. Then again, I always think she’s beautiful, but that’s just my pathetic lovesick self speaking. Anyway, she was wearing a sleeveless tangerine floor length gown with an orange scarf-like thing covering her shoulders similar to what the princess wears in the winter, a gold choker with her signature flower jewel in the middle, her flower earrings that had gold pedals instead of the usual white, and a gold tiara atop her auburn hair. Speaking of such, her bangs were wrapped around her head in braids, and the back appeared to be in a mini bun from what I could tell. I’ve never seen her wear her hair like this before, and I have to admit it looks great.

“So, you were able to attend this year’s party?” I asked.

“Yep,” she nodded happily. “My parents told me I could come here if I wanted this year.”

Daisy learned about Christmas the year after the princess did due to visiting the Mushroom Kingdom around that time. She enjoyed everything about it and took all she knew home with her. She told her parents about Christmas, and fortunately they were intrigued by the holiday that they decided it would be celebrated in Sarasaland as well. Because of that, however, she had to stay home and couldn’t attend any more parties in the Mushroom Kingdom until this year. I, for one, was ecstatic to see her here.

“Did you see the princess and Mario?” I asked.

“Sure did,” Daisy answered, “but you’re the one I looked forward to seeing the most; however, you were nowhere to be found. I figured you were somewhere alone to have some quiet time to yourself. Fortunately, a Toad maid spotted you and let me know where you were!”

“Lucky me,” I said jokingly.

“Aw, don’t be like that!” Daisy joked while giving me a mocked pleading look. “You know I have to see my favorite person in green.” She shivered from the latest wind chill that swept by. “Aren’t you cold out here?”

“Kind of,” I answered truthfully. I forgot my suit jacket; however, I was so caught up in my thoughts that the weather didn’t bother me much until now.

Daisy wrapped an elbow around mine and laid her head against mine. My face became warmer due to the intimacy, and my nostrils inhaled more of her sweet scent. “Say, why don’t we go inside. It’s much warmer and besides, there’s something I want to give you.”

My curiosity had now peaked. “Oh, what would that be?” I inquired, clearly interested and perhaps a little too eager.

“Hehe, it’s a secret,” she cheekily placed an index finger over her beautiful orange lips, much to my disappointment. “So, are you coming or not?”

“It looks like I don’t have a choice, do I?” I sighed.

She flashed a victorious smile in my direction as she tugged my arm. “Oh Weegee, don’t be like that. I promise it will be worth your while. Now, let’s head inside before I turn into a human ice sculpture!”

“OK, OK, no need to rush!” I laughed as she dragged me towards the French doors that led back into the castle.

“Oh, sorry about that,” she chuckled as she slowed down but kept her elbow around mine. We entered the castle to escape from the rapidly falling temperature. As I closed the door behind me, I noticed that the snow was falling at a faster rate. I chuckled to myself, which received a raised eyebrow and curious smile from Daisy, as we continued down the hall.

“Before we continue, we need to stop by my room first,” Daisy told me. “I have to grab something.”

“OK,” I replied.

When we reached her room, I stood to the side as she was about to enter. However, she paused and gave me a look I couldn’t read before grabbing my hand and nearly ripped my shoulder out of its socket as she dragged me in, followed by her shutting the door quickly afterwards.

“Uh, what’s going on, Daisy?” I asked, confused as to why she pulled me into her room.

“Luigi,” she started as her beautiful blue eyes gazed into mine, “before we continue further, I need to ask you something.”

“Yes, what is it?”

“Do you trust me?”

“Huh?” That admittedly caught me off guard. Why would she ask me that? Now I’m even more curious and a little apprehensive at what she had in mind. I hoped she wasn’t planning a prank on me because she has done so plenty of times before. However, none of them were malicious in nature, and she made up for them when they went too far. Also, the look on her face appeared to be serious enough, which eased my fears some. When it comes down to it, I knew I wouldn’t learn anything just standing here and thinking about it.

“Of course, I do,” I replied, hoping it sounded confident.

“Good,” she smiled. “Now I need you to do a favor. Could you please shut your eyes for me?”

My eyebrows raised at the request, but I said I trusted her, so there was no going back on my word. I nodded and squeezed my eyes shut. My interest was at an all-time high as I contemplated what Daisy had planned. A part of me wondered if she were to change clothes and asked for my opinion. However, she could’ve had me wait outside and invite me in after changing or do so in the bathroom. Wait, what if she wanted…

'No!' I emphatically scolded myself. Get your mind out of the gutter, Luigi. I felt ashamed for even thinking such a thing as my cheeks warmed in embarrassment. Now I was hoping she’d do what she needed to so those thoughts don’t come back.

The next thing I knew, I felt something being tied around my eyes. My eyes opened in surprise, but I could see nothing but darkness in front of me.

“Um, Daisy,” I began, “what’s going on?”

“Didn’t you say you trust me?” she asked in playful yet dulcet tone.

“I did say that,” I answered with a defeated tone but couldn’t help but grin.

“This will be worth it, believe me.”

She grabbed my hand and pulled me towards what I assumed was the door to the hall, seeing that my vision was compromised. The next thing I knew, she was leading me somewhere because I did my best to keep up with her. She said everything would be worth it; I hoped that would be true.

[swolesecrets]

What is in my gym bag?!

Welcome back to my blog! Today I will be discussing gym accessories and gym products often advertised in the media. 

As a highschool student with 2 jobs, oftentimes I have to squeeze in my workout right after school, right after work or any other time where I was “conveniently out”. My school day typically begins with me carrying out my backpack, school lunch, work lunch and clothes, and my massive gym bag to my car since I won’t get the chance to get home throughout the day. 

What could you even possibly have in your gym bag? To be fair, when I started working out, I would show up to the gym in my gym clothes from my house, with nothing but my phone, my airpods and a water bottle. As my fitness journey progressed over the years, it seems that my gym essentials had evolved too. Here are my gym essentials as a 17 year old girl with a loaded schedule:

My gym shoes! No I do not mean powerlifting shoes, I am not a powerlifter, but I mean my converse. Personally, although converse aren’t my ideal shoe outside of the gym, they are my favorite in the gym, I have white and black! Converse can be stylish, with the different styles and colors and overall very large selection, however since these have been my O.G shoes for the gym, it seems that I always associate them with the gym… Being flat and light (not the platforms), they offer incredible stability for lifting purposes. It is important to find shoes that accommodate the natural shape of the foot for optimal performance. Fun fact, some lifters even prefer to deadlift and squat barefoot, for the reason being that the natural human foot shape is ideal for balance. 

 Here are my "not-so-white" converse at the gym, since I wear them everyday.

Pre Workout or energy drinks… Sometimes my days are over 12 hours long away from home, which can be both emotionally and physically draining. For that reason, occasionally the consumption of caffeine can significantly improve both my performance, mood, motivation and my experience in the gym. I used to consume this product every day, however I soon realized that the negative side effects of daily consumption can be mentally detrimental... Especially for those who have ADHD or anxiety, the caffeine amplifies the effects of the disorders. Now that I have limited not only the frequency of consumption but also the amount of caffeine I do love these drinks. Some of my favorites are Batch 27, specifically the orange creamsicle flavor and Monster Tropical Punch… 

Lifting belt… I have the lifting belt by Upper Gear in the color lavender, which is cute and supportive. Lifting belts are used by lifters who want or require more back and core support creating a superficial brace in order to prevent injuries and improve performance. This is absolutely not required in the gym and if anything learning how to brace is very important. More experienced lifters typically use them, as they already know how to brace themselves yet add extra support.

Lifting straps, I love my lifting straps! Lifting straps are affordable, come in different styles and colors and help tremendously, whether it be to grow muscles or gain strength. Mine are camo from amazon and are for sure one of my essentials. Using lifting straps helps lifters who do not have great grip strength, or really want to isolate a muscle group while eliminating limiting factors. I have always had very frail and small wrists, ultimately limiting my grip strength. However ever since I have been using lifting straps I am able to push out for reps, and increase muscle-mind connection. 

Helimix shaker! Every lifter knows the nasty smell of protein from an unwashed shaker, or the annoying sound of the metal mixer ball inside. Ever since I discovered the helimix, cleaning it has been simplified, and no more metal ball clinking. The helimix is a shaker available on amazon, and is said to have a scientifically explained shape that naturally creates a spiral of the liquid and thus mixing the contents smoothly. Some say it is a placebo effect, however I believe that the helimix truly mixes my contents successfully. I have the pink one, as well as the teal one, and use them for both my protein shakes, pre workout, and to carry my other daily beverages. 

I also carry some “not necessarily gym-related” items, such as makeup, deodorant, a hair brush, and most importantly my beats! I mean yes, my beats are so important for my lifts and I could not do it without them, however they are also a huge part of my whole life… Any given chance I will be listening to music. Which is why I excluded it from my gym essentials list. They are an essential part of my life, period. To conclude this blog, no gym accessories are actually required to reach your goals, it is important to discover what works for you. Nothing in fitness is “one size fits all.”

[geminiamethyst]

Running. Chapter 41: Talks of Geniuses

Chapter 1: click HERE

Chapter 40: click HERE

Chapter 42: click HERE

Minor spoilers for Taka’s backstory.

Also there’s a little bit of me projecting into Taka because I am one of these people that does HC as him being autistic. Mostly because there have been some aspects of his personality that helps to support this. Also I was diagnosed as being on the spectrum myself fairly recently, but that’s not important. If you guys aren’t a fan of this HC, I understand. It’s just something that I’ve been meaning to experiment with for a while now.

Taka felt calm. Or at least, felt like he should be calm.

The forest was peaceful.

Growing up in a city his whole life, he had been used to the sights, sounds and smells. However, despite those being very familiar to him, he hated it. It always felt overstimulating to him. Just the sound of most sirens such as fire alarms in school or even a certain number of party poppers going off at once was enough to feel like a bomb was going off in his ears. He didn’t mind most crowds, but only when it was voluntary. If he got forced into a crowd, it sometimes got too much for him. There was the rare occasion when he was younger that it sent him into a panic. Sometimes smells didn’t help. Depending on where he was or what the smell was, would be quite overpowering to him sometimes. He got used to the city life, but that didn’t mean that he had to like it.

But the forest was the complete opposite of the concrete jungle. It was quiet, and calming. No noisy traffic. No ear piercing sirens. No feeling like people were shouting down his ears. Just quiet and the calming sound of birds and the river that wasn’t too far away. Just simple sounds like the rushing of water was more than enough to be soothing. Sights weren’t overwhelming either. Just nature and simple shades of green and brown. Nothing that wasn’t too bright and flashy or rushing by too quickly. There wasn’t that many people either for him to be confused and lost in a crowd. Even the smells were comforting and the air was so clean. Taka can’t remember a time where he had felt like the air was this fresh.

And here he was now. Ready to talk to someone that he believed that he can come to trust now. Maybe even call him a friend?

One step at a time.

“You asked me about my nightmare once. Well, more like demanded.” Taka stated as he sat back down.

“Oh! That! Don’t worry about it.” Mondo exclaimed as he remembered t what happened in the Den the day that Kaito and Maki argued.

“No, I…I want to talk about it…” Taka argued gently. Mondo looked completely stunned upon hearing that. H wasn’t expecting Taka to be this serious about it all. “Only if you want to listen.”

It was strange. Despite how calming the forest was, Taka was still anxious about speaking. It was like there was this mental block that prevented a single word from being said. His brain was overthinking everything about what he wanted to say, which made him more anxious. Taka was scared to tell any of the others about this because of the lack of distrust and hostility that he had experienced before. Hopefully, Mondo will have trusted him enough to see past all that he was going to be told.

Just deep breathes. Focus on the calmness of nature and try to use that to stay calm.

Mondo was still surprised but nodded his head encouragingly. That was the invitation that Taka needed. And in all honesty, it boosted his confidence a little bit.

“Have you heard of Toranosuke Ishimaru? He was a former prime minister.” Taka asked cautiously.

“Not really into politics. Fucks with my head.” Mondo scoffed, shaking his head dismissively. He then stopped as the name was processed through his head and he looked surprised. “Wait! “Ishimaru”? Is he a relative or something?”

“He was my grandfather.” Taka stated, almost emotionless. He felt like he was reading off of a script for a news report. He hadn’t even started his story and already he felt emotionally drained.

“You serious?! That’s amazing!” Mondo exclaimed, not noticing the look on Taka’s face. That name would always be a stain on the Ishimaru family. A man that Taka had once respected and now hated. He always found it hard to talk about, since no one had ever wanted to have anything to do with him in the past.

“He served in foreign affairs as the chief minister. Then he climbed up to the position as prime minister.” Taka continued, just having this need to get this over with. He was worried about the negative fallout that he knew would come. “He’s a person that deserved to be called a genius. He did everything perfectly without any effort to his work. Yes, he was a genius. But he was lazy, even sloppy. And he was blind to all of the world’s frustration and anger. It sparked political corruption and he fell to ruin soon after that. Upon the failure of his business, he fell on hard times. Before everything that happened in regards to the Facility, my family was still in his debt. Probably would still be if it weren’t for my father going missing or me still being “dead” according to the police.

“Don’t you understand? An intelligent but lazy person? I was never like that! And I never will be! I truly believed that I could never be a genius. Always gave my studies 110% or even higher. I never took a break, even if my father tried to force me to take one. I didn’t even wear anything other than my school uniform, even during the holidays. I never ever wanted to be associated as a lazy genius. I was so determined to change everything that I didn’t care about anything other than my father and making sure that we didn’t have to worry about debt collectors ever again!”

All those words just came flooding out. Taka didn’t even know what he was saying or how those words came out in the first place. There had never been a time where he had spoken so honestly to anyone. To be talking Mondo of all people, after all the tension that they had in the past, it seemed good. Better than good. It was like all the weight that he had been burdened with for so long was gone.

“That’s why I hate the word “genius” and…” Taka finally said, sounding almost relieved. It was like he had bottled all of that up for too long and was scared to open up. Finally pouring all that out seemed to have made him more relaxed and peaceful after sharing his story. “And that nightmare was all that I had faced before the Facility and White. How I never had any friends, how my father always struggled with the debt while putting food on the table, the bullying, the other problems I had at school, and just always being alone. Before the Facility, I wanted nothing more than to change this country with all the effort that I had. But now…now I don’t know what to do with my life…”

Taka bit back bitter tears as he remembered that day at the police station, at how he was treated so poorly by the Chief of Police. How he was actually treated as a dead person that had risen from the grave and was so disrespected. At how his father’s disappearance was just swept under the rug as if nothing was wrong. At how his whole family name was just…gone. And how all the countless hours and almost sleepless nights of studying and staying ahead of his studies was just wasted. How everything as just ripped away from him. All those years and efforts were just wasted. And now Taka actually felt like he didn’t have a purpose. What was he going to do now?

“Shit. You had a lotta hardships too.” Mondo suddenly said. Taka looked up and was met with quite a surprise. Mondo Owada, the toughest guy that he had ever known, was looking down at the ground with clear tear streaks going down his face.

“Are you…are you crying for my sake?” Taka exclaimed, not sure about how he should feel about this. Mondo didn’t seem to notice. His face went a bit pink with embarrassment as he wiped away the tears.

“Don’t tell the kids. Gotta hold a reputation.” Mondo muttered, making sure that his face was clear of the evidence.

“I won’t.” Taka vowed with a smile. “Though, I’m glad to see this side of you. You’re kinda sweet.”

“Don’t tell me you just fucking said that!” Mondo growled, his face going a bit more red.

“Don’t know what you’re talking about.” Taka spoke up seriously. They kept a straight face, just listening to nature around them. After a few seconds, both of them couldn’t hold back their laughter. It was booming and scared some of the small creatures. Their laughter echoed so much that the whole of Japan must have heard them.

“I was kinda wrong about ya! Ya ain’t half bad, Ishimaru!” Mondo grinned, slapping Taka’s back lightly.

“You can call me Taka if you want to Mondo.” Taka chuckled, but then he stopped as his words caught up with him. “Sorry, didn’t know if you’re okay with me calling you Mondo.”

“It’s cool, Taka.” Mondo continued to grin, wrapping an arm around Taka’s shoulders. That’s it. Time to make another promise. “And once this is all over, I’ll help ya find your old man.”

“What?” Taka responded. It was like the worded had stopped for a moment. He couldn’t believe his ears at all.

“Hey! I owe ya big time for helping me!” Mondo smiled widely. He really meant it too. He felt like this promise was a good way to make good on paying the other Limitless back. While they still have Orochi to deal with right now, that didn’t mean that he can’t help with the search once all this drama was over. “Helping you find your dad, seems like a good idea right? I’ll get in touch with my gang and they can help out too!”

“Why would you do this? And for me no less?” Taka asked hesitantly. He still can’t believe it. He only just started feeling like he started to make a friend for the first time in his life. So to hear all of this was just more than surprising to him. He almost felt like he was dreaming.

“Cause we might have had some scrapes, but we’re friends now, got it?!” Mondo continued to grin. He stopped when he finally had a look at Taka’s face. The guy was leaking tears from his eyes like they were a pair of fountains. Mondo let go of Taka, not sure what he should do at this moment. He felt awkward in all honesty. “Why are you crying now?!”

“Sorry, it just took me by surprise.” Taka smiled through the tears. He wiped away at his face, which was barely enough to stop the tears from c9ming. Mondo smiled in relief at that. He knew that Taka can get emotional, but he didn’t realise that he would be that emotional. Taka kept on smiling as he finally got a grip on himself and stopped crying. “Thank you, Kyoudai!”

“Kyoudai huh? I like that!” Mondo grinned, before trying to give Taka a noogie. Taka let out a playful yelp as he tried (and failed) to avoid the action. The two continued to laugh. It was loud, but Taka wasn’t put off by it. This was voluntary noise and he was kinda used to the volume that Mondo can reach. He honestly hadn’t felt like this before. Was this what it’s like to hang out with friends? He wanted to Kaito and Maki friends, but wasn’t sure if it was right to label them as such unless they were okay with it. They seemed to consider him a friend, so maybe it’s okay anyway? But Mondo pretty much made friends with him pretty fast, so it did feel like he had a real friend at last. It felt great.

“You two are FINALLY getting along!” Kaito’s voice suddenly shouted. Mondo looked over his shoulder to see that the teens had gone looking for him and Taka. Kaito continued smiling as he approached the two. “We could hear you both laughing.”

“Just men bonding over here kid!” Mondo grinned, standing up whilst pulling Taka up with him.

“I can see that! Just be careful there with Taka!” Kaito sheepishly grinned before pointing at Taka, who was still in a headlock. Taka seemed to be struggling a little under Mondo’s grip and wanted to pull away for a breather.

“Opps! Sorry!” Mondo spoke quickly, relenting his hold on the other Limitless.

“It’s okay, Kyoudai!” Taka smiled in relief. Kaito was glad that he didn’t have to worry about prying the two apart in case something happened that could’ve destroyed the peace. He suddenly felt like shrinking back when Mondo suddenly turned to him enthusiastically.

“And got you to thank for this kid!” The biker smiled before proceeding to put Kaito in a form of a headlock as well.

“Hey! What are you talking about?!” Kaito exclaimed, not quite sure how he had found himself in this kind of position.

“You made sure that we didn’t end up killing each other and shit!” Mondo grinned proudly.

“I can’t take all the credit! Maki Roll helped too you know!” Kaito tried to share the credit so he could get out of the headlock.

“Still thanking ya anyway!” Mondo smiled, giving Kaito noogie, just like he did with Taka.

“Hey! You better not thank Maki like this!” Kaito shouted, unable to avoid Mondo’s actions. He tried his best, but he couldn’t pull away strongly enough.

“When this is all over, man’s night out!” Mondo declared, seeming to ignore Kaito’s words.

“Leave me out of this! I can’t go drinking! I’m underage!” Kaito shouted, trying to move out from Mondo’s grip (A/N the legal age for drinking in Japan is 20, I checked).

“So what?” Mondo continued to grin. Maki hadn’t said anything the entire time. She just watched the whole exchange take place. She can’t help but feel slightly jealous or how she felt like she was being pushed aside. She had gotten too used to it being just her and Kaito for the year, and she had gotten used to Mondo and Taka being around by now. But this felt different and quite unfair, almost reminding her of how she was isolated back in the Facility. No. It’s not like that. This is different, this is Kaito just talking to friends that were guys. And she was the only girl in the group. It’s probably normal to feel like this in a group dynamic such as this.

“I need more female friends in this group.” She muttered, rubbing the temples of her head. In all honesty, she felt like she had the right to say that. Now that the guys are being buddy buddy like this all of a sudden, she felt like she was being singled out. Is it normal to feel like that in group like this?

“What was that, Maki Roll?” Kaito asked, still trying to pull himself away from Mondo.

“Nothing.” Maki said bluntly, carefully approaching the three.

“With that said, can you let me go now, Mondo?” Kaito requested, still trying to push Mondo’s arm off of him. He was straining a little as the biker’s grip was subconsciously tightening. “Your grip is getting a bit too much.”

“My bad!” Mondo immediately realised his mistake and was quick to release Kaito. Taka was trying to suppress his laughter the entire time. Seeing how all the playing was quickly gone, he decided to change tactics. He had a feeling that there was something important going on.

“Anyway, what’s going on you two?” He quickly asked.

“Some good news. Didn’t know up until now but we have a map.” Kaito grinned, half in relief and half with excitement.

“You’re kidding’?!” Mondo exclaimed, looking like he was going to get excited again. Maki smiled smugly as she showed the two the map that she had found. “Guess that tech chick and robo boy came through for us again.”

“Taka? You okay?” Kaito suddenly asked. He noticed that Taka had gone silent very suddenly and was eyeing at something suspiciously. The others followed his gaze. He was looking at a bush that was a few ft away from them. At first nothing seemed out of the ordinary. Then there was some kind of shine in the sun. There was something in there that they felt like shouldn’t be there. There was also something that felt beyond dreadful. It was almost like ice was being poured down their backs.

“What’s that?” Mondo was the first to speak up about it. No one could give him an answer. Taka swallowed any dread that he was feeling and started to take cautious steps forward. “Oi! Be careful!”

As Taka stepped closer, he could smell something. Something that shouldn’t be in the forest. Something that disrupted the peaceful atmosphere that he had felt up until now. He didn’t know what it was, but it wasn’t pleasant and made him feel uncomfortable. However, he needed to know what it was there. It could be nothing, but he had to make sure. The others stood still, bracing themselves for anything. They watched as the branches were moved aside.

And then Taka let out a scream.

[wanderingstethoscope]

When there is chaos, expect redirection

I stared at my phone screen as I stuggled to breathe; my chest tightening, my mind in a daze as I slowly dissociated from reality. It was a coping mechanism that my body naturally takes up; especially when overwhelmed. My fingers worked quicker than my brain, as I punched the keyboard on my phone; the text reading; “Hey, would 1 more vet i.e. me, be suitable for your practice?”. I hit “send”. 

“Ya the new grad fell through.” the reply read.

“Fell through?”

“She didn’t come ya.”

Well then. 

You see, that first clinic that I was working for was anything any newly graduate veterinarian would hope for. There was a tremendous amount of support, with just the loveliest techs and receptionists. I felt so lucky to be part of the team...or so I thought.

Getting huge support is one thing, but, being constantly watched like a hawk, being judged at every single move you make? That is a different story altogether. 2 weeks in....come 3. Every day, I would feel more and more unlike myself. I felt like a puppet on strings. I would stumble over my words, due to the fear of looking stupid. When you are already so hard on yourself, any single tiny mistake you make, feels devastating and mentally exhausting. 

6 weeks in....was when I decided, that enough is enough. It was a funny story, really, that the sequence of events that occured after, brought me to where I am meant to be today, at my current veterinarian practice. 

2 days before I handed in my resignation letter, I was walking along the streets at night, with slippers. I heard a squeak, and before I knew it, my right big toe was oozing with blood. Ouch. The next thing I knew; was my father frantically trying to dial emergency services, and my mother grabbing my hand, fast-walking me to the nearest clinic. Yes, a rat bit my toe. I’m glad it did; because what followed within the next 2 days was some time off from work to gather my thoughts. I did have a fever, and toileting issues...but those were not exactly clouding my mind. The constant feeling of not being good enough no matter how much energy has drained out of you due to already putting in more than you can physically and emotionally handle? Was this my breaking point? Turns out it was. 

I accepted an interview and day-trial with another veterinary practice not too far from my intial one. They were considering multiple canditates at the time. Oh, and apparently they already hired someone else before, but they didn’t show up on their work day. Everything went smoothly that day, and I was pretty much hired on the spot. Not only that, they were willing to buy me in since I had to give at least a month’s notice to my initial practice unless it was paid forward, but the new practice was hoping that I could report to work the next week. That wasn’t the only thing; they were willing to put me on solo charge. 

Solo charge. Most new veterinary graduates would cringe or shy away from the idea. To be honest, I would have as well, IF I hadn’t had experienced what I experiened at my first practice. This was my chance to experience the opposite end of the spectrum.

Welcome to the deep end, Doc.

Bring it. I accepted the offer. 

2 weeks into my new practice, I have done, single-handedly, all kinds of cases; from itchy skin, to the vomiting dog, the cat with diarrhoea, acute sneezing, coughing, the old Chihuahua with heart failure. Clients were already asking to see me specifically, something that really touched my heart. I felt like I belonged, and valued, where I am now. The number of consults and cases I managed within the first 2 weeks at my new practice was incomparable to the number I did at my previous practice. I felt so like myself, I had the freedom to display empathy towards my clients, provide them with options in terms of treatment and management for their furry friends, and allow them the freedom to choose from those options. I was forming amazing connections, and most of my consults ended up with smiling clients. 

However, there is no doubt that there is always going to be somebody more experienced than me, and knows more than me, but what I also do know, is that we never stop learning. I know when to reach out for help whenever I needed to. The safety, wellbeing and health of my patients and clients are the top-most important factors to me, and I would do everything and anything in my power to ensure that is taken care of. That includes, seeking a secondary opinion, or referal, both of which I have no problems doing whenever I feel that I need to. 

There was one thing though; a client brought in her kitten to see me when I was at my previous practice. Before she left, she turned to me and said, “I really do hope you stay, you’re so good with my cat, I want to see you again the next time I visit.” How bittersweet. I would never forget that client, nor her cat.

I cannot be more thankful for where I am today. The worst thing I could have done to myself because of imposter syndrome, was to give up....and I know for a fact that that isn’t me. 

[kuuyandere]

"In my case, I have a tendency to be a people pleaser and help others to the point of neglecting my own wants, needs, and boundaries"

Maybe since I'm not this way naturally, I'm exactly opposite of it, so I find this whole 'giving' thing working for me. But you're like this so I assume this might not be the way for you, Infact it might drain u even more.

I hope you reach that state of mind which you're hoping for. Also, instead of wanting to ditch the quality entirely, you could try to just control it, like divert it to some place better?

Also, i can relate w the draining part to some extent, I think😅 what I did was.. Cut off all those 'draining' friends n activities that only took from me. I must've spoke n written many huge essays/paras to help ppl (perfectly acc to their problems) n despite that, they still repeated crying over the same things so mostly I was just repeating the same stuff again n again.. Ugh.. N when I went to them for smth, since they're not like this, I obv didn't get my kind of response to stuff, which frustrated me at first, but then I learnt to control my expectations. Maybe mostly ppl just need an ear. Even i sometimes. It's ok. Anyway, now I tend to avoid such ppl who can bring this in me. Like I think abt how u be replying to all our hefty msgs! I'd never be able to do this! Seriously, claps to you! Also if your darling was my friend, I think I'd help her a lot at first w her decisions in whatever ways I could, but since I'm not attracted to her, I'd stop at one point, the moment I realise she's only gonna drain me. No offence but she does sound sorta draining from ur descriptions. Like how she's coming to u w her problems! I'm not so open so I don't understand this abt her. She reminds me of some ppl in my life who were such a headache once.

True, I don’t plan on having a bastardisation arc and stop caring about anyone else but myself. I just need to better moderate and communicate my wants/needs with other people’s.

I feel that, I find that many people want to vent their problems rather than solve them, so they want emotional reassurance and support instead of advice and harsh truths. That isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but I get how it can be frustrating to see people repeat the same mistakes and not really try to improve their situation, as well as draining to only serve as some’s emotional punching bag. It’s good that you know how to distance yourself when it gets too much! It sounds like you tend to be more problem-solving oriented when it comes to giving and wanting support from others. I am similar when it comes to giving (often unsolicited) advice, so I try to ask exactly what the other person wants from me: emotional support, specific advice, or just someone to listen.

I genuinely enjoy responding to asks and reading messages! Sometimes my response time gets sporadic because I have a low social battery and a hectic schedule, but I manage!

It can be a little tough with my darling mainly because it can be emotionally heavy, but I do care about her wellbeing and there are certain things she isn’t comfortable with going to anyone else to. She doesn’t want to scare off her relatively recent boyfriend with her mental health issues and already feels like a burden, so I am glad she is able to go to somebody instead of just suffering alone. I don’t help just because I love her, I just don’t want her to get hurt or die and apparently her options are limited. But we did have conversations about how it’s not sustainable for her to rely on me for that kind of thing (I am not always available!) and that there are other people she can trust.

[sandyrantsxo]

BSA humbled me.

For the last 9 months, I felt nothing but shame. Despite the achievements that I post on my social media, I am nothing but a fraud.

Writing this letter while ugly crying is truly such a surprise for me. I thought I'll excel here. I thought this would come off as natural to me. I CHOSE to be here. I PRAYED to be here. But then why is it hurting me this much? Why am suffering so damn much? Maybe I became too confident. Maybe I'm not really smart, I'm just *masipag* and that's it. I don't have the brains to survive in this program. Hell, 2nd semester and I'm already failing. 1st sem wasn't a breeze, though. I remember not having the energy to even wake up in the morning to attend classes. I felt doomed. It wasn't like when I was still in UB, where I felt excited to go to school. But here in DLSL? I dreaded it. There were moments where I could rather die than attend Confras and Finacre. The irony is, this institution was my dream school. This course was my dream course. I prayed for this. I really did. At 13, all I can think about is "De La Salle Lipa". I took pride in being a "Lasallian" and a "BSA student" just for those two to be the things that I hated most about myself. I couldn't see myself doing this for another 3 years. Hell, I just want this to be over with. It's so hard. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. Am I dumb? Am I really *that* dumb? Or is it the course? Is it the school? Is it the professor? Is it the lack of support system? Or is it just me?

Or maybe because I kept comparing DLSL with UB? Is it because I miss UB? I miss my home? It's just so weird. I hated UB with my whole guts but now I crave it. I wish I could just crawl back into it and cry and let the ambiance hug me and nurture me and tell me its okay. Is it my friends? Do I miss them? I mean, I have friends in DLSL but it isn't really a factor that I wanna even consider. Is it the competition? Fuck, it's like competing with 10000x Roberts in here. It is physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually draining to even breathe in here. I don't like it here anymore. I wanna go home. But I'm scared of the judgment. I don't wanna be labeled as a failure.

I've been crying a lot for the past few weeks. I don't know if it's because of my period or because of my grades- could be both though. It's my first time experiencing scoring 29/60 in an exam. A fucking exam. And my quizzes are flunking out too. A 32/45 on a quiz? Fuck that. Fuck me. Fuck everything. Why is it so hard to be just as good as I was in high school? I know I'm not dumb. I'm not stupid. I may have gotten a bit lazy, but that couldn't have been it. I'm not dumb. It hurts how I have to repeat that multiple times a day. I'm so dumb. I'm so fucking dumb I hate myself.

I remember crying about not having 1 point to be considered "With Highest Honors", and now look at where I am. I'm begging to pass. *Pass*. All that in one semester. Last semester, I had second honors. Wow, right? I even assured myself that I might just survive in this program, that I might even do better than I thought I would. But fuck that. I'm failing. Do you even understand how embarassing that is? From being the top in your class, to being a mid in class? I'm just pretending that I have my shit together, but in reality, I do not.

I've reached a new low, where I wish I could just wake up and I'm 40 years old and I'm suddenly halfway through life and I only have a few years left until I die. Yes. That's a new low. I thought that the worst it could be is not seeing yourself 5-10 years from now. Turns out it could be worse. Sometimes, I find myself hoping that I'll get sick, or I could get caught in the accident so I can be confined and finally have the time to rest. Yes, it was that bad. For the first time in years, I silently prayed that I could seriously just die. Come on, let's end it. What's the point? It was that bad. I need help more than ever but I don't know how to ask for it. Hell, I don't even know what to do right now.

No, it wasn't because of the heavy workload. It was more of the emotional and mental fatigue. Unlike in UB where I'm bombarded with tasks, here you are bombarded with self-hatred, and jealousy, and confusion, and 99% of the time, I don't know what I'm doing. I'm just good at acting like I know what I'm doing.

It was painful to wake up every morning, realizing what the day is gonna be. I hated how I hated where I am right now. I know I should be grateful and stuff, but honestly, I don't wanna lie to myself right now. I hate it. I fucking hate it. Why does it have to be so hard? I wish I had a single answer to any of these questions that I have in my head. I wish I could answer even just one of them.

No, I don't regret being in accountancy. I don't regret choosing ABM. I don't regret going to DLSL. I don't regret not staying in UB even if I had the chance. Because I know that I tried. What I would regret more is if I didn't try. As much as I love to take Psychology, I just don't see myself pursuing that long-term. However, I also do not see myself pursuing accountancy. So why am I still here? I don't know. Is it the ego? Probably. I'd probably just transfer to UB if shit goes south here in DLSL. Sure, I'll miss JPIA and PFC, but it's better than studying AIS and losing a scholarship. In UB, I could still try and apply for scholarship. I might lose the scholarship for 2nd year, but hopefully, I'll be a full scholar by 3rd year to 4th year- less financial burden to my parents. It just sucks that I have to here in this position right now. It sucks. Everything sucks. Just kill me at this point.

[lacimontiel]

Writing sample

Bipolar disorders can affect relationships, especially marriages, your partner will be emotionally drained and rethink a relationship with you. In the text by Bronte Speirs, she mentions "So, I've gone totally down bad dark holes, and then I'm drinking, and just totally like... fully just like I need to block my emotional pain because I don't have room to deal with my own stuff." (P15, girlfriend, aged 25 years) (Bronte Speirs 1) This evidence proves that not only the patient suffers but their families as well. In this situation the patient's family has picked up drinking habits they did not have before because they are re so emotionally done and are trying to find an escape to feel numb. They are trying their best to be there for their partner, but it is challenging when she herself is drowning and is having her own mental health problems. "Because he can't control himself, I don't think I should have, I think it would be irresponsible for me to have children with him." (P5, wife, aged 35 years) (Bronte Speirs 3) This statement is coming from a wife who is dealing with her husband's bipolar disorder, and she expresses how she no longer wants to have children with him because it would be a bad idea, this shows if she does not view him as the father of her children, she will most likely divorce him. It is important if your partner is dealing with the illness, you help them as much as you can and take days to self-care and self-reflect as well. To keep your relationship stable and keep a happy marriage here are a couple tips you can use. You can seek counseling and help your partner find self-love and self-care. Other methods include nature, exercise, socializing, creative hobbies, yoga and meditation. I truly believe that you can’t expect someone to love you if they cannot love themselves. Families of people living with bipolar disorder experience social deprivation, social isolation, and social rejection, which have great consequences for them. I know dating someone who has bipolar disorder can be draining for carers, but I wanted to really go into depth about the struggles and how to cope with the disorder.

Some changes I have made to this paragraph significantly were adding more analysis explanations after each evidence. I really into detail on specific methods and help guidance you can use. Yes, this revision sample reflects my learning and growth from this course. I am extremely proud of my ability to write a clear and full paragraphs now. I’m still working on how to organize my paragraphs.

[crackednailsandsplitends]

Finding Acceptance and Positivity When Living With Chronic Illness

Living with a chronic illness is tough, there's no denying it. It can drain you mentally, physically, and emotionally. But I refuse to let it defeat me. It's been a journey of acceptance and positivity, finding that perfect balance to live my best life despite the limitations that my body has forced upon me. And let me tell you, it's not easy, but it's worth it.

Living with a chronic illness is challenging, but it's not impossible to live a fulfilling life. By finding that balance between acceptance and positivity, educating myself, focusing on what I can control, and setting realistic goals, I learned that there's always a way to make the most of my situation.

How I achieve that balance: 

Accepting my situation 

First and foremost, accepting my situation was key. I had to learn that it's okay to have limitations, and that I needed to make adjustments to my lifestyle and routines.

Educating myself:

This has been an important one for me. For me to able to accept and adapt, I have to understand as much as I can about my conditions. Understanding the nature of my illness, treatment options, and self-care strategies empowers me to take an active role in managing my health. Knowledge helps me to make informed decisions and reduce anxiety.

Focus on what you can control:

Another crucial factor was focusing on what I can control. Dwelling on what I can't do just wasted precious energy. Instead, I learned to shift my focus to what I can control and the choices I have in front of me.

Setting realistic goals 

I’ve accepted that I’m now not able to accomplish everything I want to, but I can still focus on achieving what is possible. I do this by learning to Pace myself and by breaking down goals into smaller, more manageable tasks. So for example, I wanted to re-organise the utility room, but instead of doing it all in one go (which would not be possible for me), I set small goals by achieving bit by bit, paced out and spread across the week.

Find joy in the little things

Focusing on the positive aspects of my family, friends and life improves my overall well-being. Every day I try to find joy in the little things - like spending time with loved ones, my mum brings my baby niece around every Friday, or I watch as my daughter shows me her art projects. My son’s telling me about their day. And, my dogs bring me much joy every day.  Additionally, I enjoy watching your favourite TV shows, writing blog posts, or simply indulging in a nice dessert now and then. These small moments of happiness can help lift my mood and they certainly make life more enjoyable.

Taking care of me

Taking care of myself physically, mentally, and emotionally is crucial. I pace myself and make sure I get enough rest, I eat a healthy diet, and practice yoga regularly - even if it's just light stretching. I engage in activities that I enjoy and make time for self-care like, reading, or lying on my acupuncture mat (It’s so good for relieving pain). I also love to indulge in beauty products, trying out new creams or painting my nails etc. 

Practice self-compassion:

I try to be gentle and understanding with myself on the days when I feel discouraged or overwhelmed. I treat myself with kindness and compassion, acknowledging that it's okay to have ups and downs. Remembering that I am doing my best, and it's important to be patient and forgiving with myself.

Finally, finding a balance between acceptance and positivity can be challenging when living with a chronic illness. But with patience, practice, and self-care, you can learn to live a fulfilling life despite your condition. Remember to prioritize your physical, mental, and emotional well-being and surround yourself with a supportive people.

[cosmicangel888]

Source Called Judgement ~ I Spoke of IT ~ 5D ~ Shifting Realities is Multi-Verse

Conduits, star seeds, crystal children, we are here to break up what is not working, for the greater good;

In being that light, that devoted path with helping humanity shift to higher alignment, there is only that which is our way, our honouring to be prepared for oneness; the 3 days of darkness is that very sacred event of returning to the womb of Gaia, and our hearts, minds, souls, be threaded as One; and all that is done will be affecting the all - it is a sacred sacred event - Bashar, Darryll Anka spoke of this in their planet transitioning to 5D oneness ~ when the Shekinah presence is designed specifically for each collective with God

Every colour, every aspect of life, is light, it is a harmonic, a song, that portends of what is to come, what is, and what can be; evolution is everything for all aspects of space, and whatever part of our collective space that remains unchanged, holds up the entire chain;

There has been so much detachment of spirit within, our essence with Source, God, the beyond religion God, the designing of who we are, and what we are truly able to create and the potential - is that what we are Able to align with in the multi-verse -

Years, years ago, in my own personal experience, I offered what I did, always have simply because of the excitement that sharing brings, the light brings to share; it is in an innate DNA encoded; what brings you joy will be shared; that is Source to Source, light begets light and why evolution is so natural and flowing;

In my experience, being taken advantage of for my light, my ideas, my energy, my content, not being given not even a penny, not even being offered apology for all the years of abuse, years of stealing and taking, the regurgitation of my work to those that are fooled into thinking they are aligned with spirit; taking whatever time, money, resources; all that have been done, God saw and knew all - God is within us all and the higher self constantly showing, telling all to align, live freely and infinitely within - and in being so, to bring myself my own self empowerment to know I am my own justice, I wrote what is not only happening to me; but happening to others -

So I wrote of the experiences, my experiences, that are true for me; my experiences are true for me and I know as a seer, conduit, empath, and crystal - I feel everything - the rituals, the chanting of hate, and degrading, the planning and scheming that the head sick person on how to drain light, energy, going into my birth-charts, and Akash, through their only lack of self, no inner security and self design; they did not want to earn, learn, grow with Source within and design themselves, they chose to take, steal, copy, and mimick and chose to not only take from me, on every level, in every way; then turn the table on every moment I tried to speak and receive justice, they perpetuated stories, narratives, falsities of being crazy for feeling, knowing, being me;

Now they want to return - how is the audacity - how is that - they take everything - literally and spiritually, emotionally, mentally and then you seek to return - for what more taking - the wishy washy spineless ways that none did anything to make right for years, and many knew, many were paid to silence, to maintain the secrets - and none did nothing - for their own greed, their own false state was important and not make it right for all the wrongs done to me; selfish - that is corruption - when you know what is done is wrong and you do nothing -

There are the highest beings of our multi-verse that work with God, Source, all dimensions, the souls, every thread, every life time, all lives; for the Akasha, the sacred essence of all life - your journey through all times, very sacred; none have any right to mess with; there are beings that watch over, protect this for every person, all life;

And when you decree your life with God, Source, creation - you have discussions, meetings, with your guides, huge self / the highest self, to help guide you to making your life your best - healing the past, and making waves for the new - for the all - you are here to decree your presence of greatness on your life, all life;

When it is abused; not in natural flow, the flowing essence of natural honour, to not force, manipulate, take, steal, warp, twist, switch, or falsify what they have no business - no talent, nor permissions; and the arrogance, the corruption is bred in arrogance - the thinking you are God, knowing of ones life and soul journeys - to say they are not deserving, or you tell another what they will do and how they will do it - who are you and how sick?

Have we lost our way this much to think that 3D hooligans play God on a divine being, a divine healer and teacher and how she will move and to take her lifetimes of eons of inner and spiritual devotion - who are they?

Where is freedom? Where is the caring of the uniqueness and genuine offers that heal - uniqueness heals - it breaks the normality and density of old - who is to say one is what truth another is?

Seers see, seers are shown; conduits are shown, known of vibration and the damage was done; the past is closed and done; damage was done, and all had years to make right and all, every person, the fake clients, the false people calling me ridiculous as of days ago; still continuing spell work, delaying my life, throwing my life off track so far it is unrecognizable and how unrecognizable that I am to who I use to be - stronger yes; but so very different -

The reader expresses what 'rat-like' probing into the charka's and sexual centres feels like, and constant taking, raping, when they do not have permission, they are not invited and simply just take, steal, and rape;

For an empath, for a conduit, one with high energetic sensing; such behaviour and intentions, are and can make anyone suicidal on an hourly basis - which in their scheming, their insurance, and policies, and scams; was their intent - the car wrecks, the protection I have to constantly walk with - simply due to their obsession to have me not be here - yet if I am here - they will take all from me and how dare I say no and release myself from them? Horrible enslavement - and yet there is no growth for them to see their part and their actions and what harm was done.

The precious God essence, the light, the golden jewel of me, my essence, the purity of God energy that is all life; all that I offered, that genuine, authentic pure self of me was forever changed; the constant vibrational raping, harvesting, rituals of darkness and schemes, stories, falsities you (calgary group / ex) all harmed me and I will call my experience and my pains that none will know but God, my teams, and all the beings that had to protect me, teams of the universe healers to heal me, bring balance and some level of normality for me -

You have no idea who I am - and yet they call themselves elite, Holy, yet they do such darkness behind the closed doors; they are nefarious and have stolen from many; fool and trick through spell work, mental manipulation - Your return is now - for what harm caused to many -

by the constant and relentless ritual work, spell work, the careless taking the selfish taking and warping me for their own gain - they are so very horrible in their center to do such, to hold such light from humanity and the children, then to blame and bring defamation to me when I do have the strength to speak out on the constant obsessive abuse;

Energetic abuse and withholding of information, finances, my own success in work, my content, my energy and emotional abuse, mental mind games; they are so very very harmful - beyond what toxic and dysfunctional and then want me to help heal them?

What gave any of you the right to write and force my life so very sacred - you have no idea who I am - I am so very sacred; and you all (Calgary) disrespected beyond imaginable - beyond what is callous and dangerous - the memories haunt me, the energy I continue to transmute - they are not my family they are not friends, nor soul family - God is now offering what each intended, directed, focussed on - God is now the driver - good luck on all the healing you deeply need that you had projected me never being able to create - yet here I am stronger - here it is - you want me to Give more? No.

The entitle-ism of the elite, false, fake, and greedy beyond reason is a sickness; the wounding within I have done nothing but unconditional to offer higher wisdoms; all chose what they chose.

My god; Allow God to hand what is the equal to what was done to me; and many others that did not have the voice to say how corrupt and controlling sickly ways has hurt the many - may this be your lesson; prolly still try to attack - that is where they live; in the attacking and taking - heal or not - I am not your friend nor have I nothing left for you to take - over done closed;

God knows what all did, and for the length, time, when all were given notice; God knows all - I am FREE.

That is karma - and all will face every choice to take money, to fake money, to steal, to copy, to turn a blind eye, and to not heed the red flags - all is karma - why those come to you now in this lifetime that seem to be where and how you need something - they are there - they are paying back karma from other lifetimes you helped them; there is always balance and God, angelicas specifically for the ensuring debts are paid, and wishes are made through all timelines - God knows, and all is kept in balance - why the scales in sacred temple teachings are so key - forgiveness is the portal to healing to release the density and weight of choices, thoughts, deeds done; it requires alchemy -

purity of heart and learning the lessons, show the universe you have learned the lesson - show the universe - create that partnership, equal measure - I chose this because, I see this, I want to heal this, I am whole, I am new and now I choose this.....then you take action to show and stabilize the new choice, new belief, new you - positive karmic action heals the past

honouring all moments is building your next day; vibrationally, emotionally, spiritually, and so on -

I simply spoke what God showed, what God said, imprinted me to what I was always a child of service; and when I called what is truth; what I knew and spoke on it; the earth is shifting and for those that do not care, share, honour, respect and value what is basic life that is a blessing, will be that which will feel the equal pain, suffering, and non-care they give out - that is the facing of ones shadow to heal it and accept it - when you betray, when you take, when you steal; vibrationally, mentally, emotionally, financially - you are taking from the collective and when only that matters is love, kindness, compassion, you take the essence of pure health, abundance from all -

Therefore those that have done so, the corrupt, the empty, the focussed on taking, having, stockpiling, will be returned in whatever Source has shown again and again - cease the selfishness and go within - heal the wicked ways of greed, gluttony, selfishness, non-caring, and corrupt ways to keep taking and stealing - who is it that entire collectives are in need of healing, and a sick toxic selfish spell casting group, pretending to be of the people and community leaders, and even call themselves elite spiritualists, that they withhold a divine being, take her light, harvest for their own selfish gain, greed, taking and Gucci bags and then when she has the strength to speak, they make smear campaigns and call her crazy -

Push her away from her children, gang-stalking and stealing ideas, video content, and veiling her not to be seen, so the doppleganger can be imaged as 'the one' ~

Not only did they intentionally and maliciously scheme to take, plan and scam to take everything from her devotional offering for humanity - her chakra's, soul, spirit, the essence of her was forever changed; and none none will ever know the damage done in such selfish cult activity ~ to make themselves look, appear; the sickness of superficiality is the core to this story -

How the outer, the lack of self, the selfishness, the lack of care within, the non-design of who you are with Source, the taking and raping, the harm done and selfish raping to only make themselves look good; tactics to follow, know my jobs and employers, and way in which I travel; to bring death, firing, and lack; for how dare I receive while they steal it all - then turn to call me crazy when there are those beginning to question and see what corruption is really going on;

Corruption of the soul, spirit, tangible work and content; all is vibrational - either you know, are, or not - either you are the vibration of love or simply copying - all is energy and all is essence - you cannot take it in the 4D, 5D cannot be faked, cannot be copied; you have to heal the density - to achieve life light, shekinah, you have to heal - there is no other way - that is through love;

My dear ones, the damage done, none will know; But God is, always will know, the ones that continued to make my life hell, to the relentless spell work, rituals, degrading me on every level, your abuse made me stronger, and my teams, my ancestors, the federations and God will design a new plan for all - for all were given years to shift and alter course, - they still continued to take, steal, and laugh, and make me the butt of their jokes; yet they obsessed about stealing from me;

They were meant to help me, for collaboration - they chose to abuse and steal - just as what is occurring on our planet with our children; they are Brought here for us, to heal, to collaborate - we ignore, and take from them; warping them and their inner unique beauty - trade them and sex them - it is deplorable and this is what has humanity in the superficial rage of false security and false importance with the stuff and ick that pours from their veins of darkness;

Cults, spiral to keep and stockpile what they know, take, and dark energies of separating themselves - through their own wounding of abandonment - and if it was not the case; they would not have to be secret, nor underground, and nor do what is done behind closed doors; prejudicial harassment, abuse, discrimination and fraud and defamation of character - and they still continue as I felt their spell work yesterday - - they are not heeding what Spirit has shown, 100's of times; they only care about what they can take -

We are meant to transcend the 7 beliefs and wounding of what Brought us into sin; they are wounding and all are responsible for healing their own inner realm - spirit, soul, body, mind; Akash, and so on - it is not rocket science - how aware are you to what and how you behave, - it is not rocket science - are you kind and caring to people with genuine honour - yes or no;

This group, #calgary #maskingbusiness #falsespiritualists #falseprophets #takersoflight #elitefalseness

They do not care about sacred energy and healing, they care about the money and sick tactics to take and the advantage to make money off of you; be it churches or entertainment business - the elite and the seemingly important - know nothing of energy and how creation works, and how evolution works - they care for the money and how it makes them look in their being so very vacant - disconnect from spirit will show in every way; sick mind, sick bodies, sick cells, and disease - then they look for the healers - it is not until things turn belly up.

Then they want you - meanwhile, they treated you as trash, and laughed every time you offered genuine heart -

None have any idea what I have been through and will not waste a moment to listen or hear out anyone now rushing for a last second contrived confession or apology - your balance is now to be made with God - make it right as I asked and if you respect anything - me, the process - show the universe

I never had an agent, I never had a partner in my business my design with God; I did not have a boss, nor a mentor, nor anyone that was ever in discussion of business ever; none met with me, none presented an offer none offered any monies nor agreement - they simply took my ideas, light, energy, and content - there was never ever any agreement or policy that I signed in my name on anything in the past 5 years other than divorce documents with my lawyer -

My legal email for the proof, validation, paperwork, of what was taken, copied; monies to pay down over $15K of legal fees trying to support my human rights, voice;

jnelson@jmbarristers.com / my story has remained unchanged; the character of all were tested by all guides, higher selves, God, to all to be given choice to make right - so far not an ounce was has been done to make any damages done.

None have had agreement or permissions, and whatever is said about being 'ridiculous' and not mentally available - will all be proved wrong and fraudulent - I am the mental ability and wisdoms, and intelligence of all put together - and see through the illusions cast over my divorce, my legal rights, the lawyers, and paperwork to continue be in delay and denying me of my legal and human rights, the raping of my spiritual rights;

The spiritual courts have placed judgment on all involved - every person - the false clients, the fake signatures, and fake dopplegangers, the ones doing spell work daily - to make silence and not shine yet all benefit from my light - that is pure corruption - disconnect and many will learn from such deprevity of good will.

All know the part they played - and what action to right - I sit with 0 but God - not a penny - so all know what they have to come;

Talk to the lawyer and return my money - my donation tab in on all videos and posts and my contact is on everything - and the games continued.

blessings of light

Joanna

JOannaCosmicAngel@yahoo.com

DONATIONs; PayPal link here; paypal.me/JoannaLRoss

#ascension #enlightenment #healinghumanity #healing #5DGaia

[scatteredmv]

As such a quiet and introspective person, I’ve never felt quite used to hanging around with my friends. For instance, there are some situations where I would be very awkwardly silent with them which I think made them feel a bit uncomfortable too. Although now I have become more weary of the situations where I shouldn’t be too awkward in and also try to be in charge of conversations more. Nevertheless, most of the chit chat and conversations in general make me feel drained anyway which is why now I prefer having a few acquaintances over close friends. Because it gives me a sense of relief knowing that I’m safe with my own thoughts in my head with no one there to judge me for always keeping things to myself. Besides, when I used to be with my old friends they would always underestimate my intelligence because of how less I spoke. This always made me feel pretty insecure and often made me wonder where I stood with them. And instead of feeling confident in myself I was always worried about looking dumb as my friends would constantly taunt me for not being the most clever one amongst them. I didn’t take much of that seriously though as they were what I thought were my friends and I thought we were in good terms. Although, at times I just couldn’t stop overthinking about whether they like me or not, even though part of me was already convinced of knowing the truth. At the same time, I didn’t feel like I was getting anything good out of my friendships. In fact, I remember always trying to perfect my flaws and even the most minor things about myself in order to impress my friends but it was never good enough. For me or for them, which is overwhelming really. (Talk about peer pressure). Then one thing led to another until I was left all by myself. Now that I think of it it’s all just hands down ridiculous. First of all, why would I even force myself to stay with them even when the penny dropped. Why would I let those people drain me off on my mental health and nothing else. I swear if I could go ever go back in time I wound ensure or do everything I can to prevent myself from becoming friends with them. Cuz what I had wasn’t friendship and no one deserves that. I believe friendships in it’s true nature are meant to make u feel happy, loved, accepted and motivated. A true friend is someone who will appreciate you for who you are and not make u feel bad about yourself. In contrast, I got off on the wrong foot and it got me trapped in a spiral of loneliness and shame. And it has now become the biggest regret of my life. After this i never felt the same. It became so hard for me to trust someone again and let alone talk to someone. Afraid that this might become a common pattern for me I am now more discreet with whom I open up to. So, if there’s one thing I learned from this experience it’s that "life is too precious to waste it with the wrong company. It’s better to wait until the right person comes along." I just want people to realize that no matter how you look at it or even if you are a people pleaser, there are a handful of people you should really be concerned about. And most importantly if you ever find yourself questioning on whether your friends like you or not or even if you have tiniest bit of self-doubt then you have to try everything you can to get out of that relationship, even if it’ll leave you in pieces. Cuz the more you stay, the more emotionally damaged you’ll become.

[auliasbookcorner]

Review: The Winners (Beartown #3) by Fredrik Backman

Book 18 of 2022

Start Reading Time: 16 November 2022

Finish reading Time: 26 November 2022

Page Count: 671 Pages

TRIGGER WARNINGS: RAPE, VIOLENCE, GUN VIOLENCE, MURDER, GRIEF, SUICIDE

This is the spoiler-free part of the review. I will put up a spoiler alert before going into the review that contains spoilers.

HERE WE GO AGAIN WITH THE WORST BOOK HANGOVER IN A WHILE.

This hurts too much to touch with words, indeed. (It should be a fucking warning on the book cover) And that's another quote that has the power to instantly destroy me mentally.

I haven't been this devastated because of a book since A Little Life and The Hero of Ages, so naturally, this book automatically gets a five stars from me. I needed 5 days to recover from this book, where I do nothing but sleep and cry while listening to The Winner Takes It All by ABBA, and think about Benji.

I am so emotionally drained. Remember how I said I felt like a shell of myself after I finished reading The Hero of Ages? Well, I didn't expect to experience it again this soon. But I guess, it's just an indication of a good book series, that the ending has such a powerful effect on you after you first finish reading it.

First of all, before we go into the review, I'd like to thank Backman for dedicating this book to me. I mean, he's kind of describes me perfectly (and it feels a little like a read too) when he wrote:

"To you who talk too much and sing too loud and cry too often and love something in life more than you should."

When I first read it, I was like 😱😱😱 OMG this dedication is for meeee!!! IT'S ME, HI, I'M THE ONE THIS BOOK IS DEDICATED TO, IT'S MEEEE.

I mean, If that's not me, I don't know what I am. So, thank you, Backman, I felt so seen and you just made my year with that book dedication because this is one of my favorite book trilogy of all time, and this book is my favorite read this year.

Now, here's the non-spoilery review: To say that Backman stick the landing with this book is an understatement, I honestly think with every book in this series, the story becomes bigger and better, and what a great first trilogy for him, I'm so excited for his next book series. I am aware that I have more criticisms in my review of Us Against You (Book 2) than Beartown (Book 1), but I also still love it very much, as it explores so much more about the town and the characters that I have come to love and care about very, very much. Yes, Beartown can be read as a standalone, and it would be a great standalone read all by itself, but I personally think that Us Against You and The Winners have added so much more to the story and make it so much richer, especially for the fans of Backman's works like myself, and I am so grateful that he made it into a trilogy like it is now, because imagine if there's book 2 and three for his other awesome books like Britt-Marie Was Here or Anxious People. I would lose my freaking mind.

I know I'm very much in the minority with this opinion, as I have found that a lot of the criticisms of this book by other people is that it was too long and that there are parts that should be cut from the book, but I honestly feel that one of the best things about this book (and there are a lot, as I will explain later in this review) is that it's THICC and much longer than Backman's previous books. Well, I disagree with those people. I personally don't think that there's any part that should be cut from the book, in fact, I think there are some things that should be added and included in the book, and if that makes this book even thicc-er, the so be it, I don't care if I'm the only soul in the whole world who thinks this. I have always been a lover of big thicc books, and I always will be. The thicc-er the book, the better for me.

I mean, did Backman wreck me with this book? Yes. Yes, he most certainly did. But, oh boy, am I beyond happy that this is so much longer than all of his other books so far.  I pray that Backman will make his books longer from now on, and may all his books have no less than 1000 pages, AMEN. But I'll still read his books even if they're short though. Listen, I'll take what I can get.

Awesome authors like Backman, Sanderson, RF Kuang, Hanya Yanagihara, and Khaled Hosseini should only write long books, IMO. It should be a crime for great stories and books to be read so briefly.

Having said that, I feel like Backman kinda cheated because even though there are more pages in this book, the chapters are way shorter than the previous books. I mean, there are so many short chapters in this book, and many of them are scary foreshadowing of the events that are about to happen, and they make my anxiety goes 📈📈📈. Especially that first chapter about Benji. It was fucking brutal, if anybody wants to hurt me mentally, just show me that chapter, and I will be hyperventilating and sobbing in a second.

However, this book has exceeded all of my expectations. Yes, it did wreck me mentally, but there's also still so much joy and happiness in it, which makes it all the more harder to move on from this book. Because if you're gonna shatter me, at least give me a few moments of happiness first.

The cast of characters also grew bigger in this book, which stumped me at first, because it's not as if the first two books don't  already have a large cast of characters in them. But I'll just go ahead and get attached to even more characters, I guess. Whatever you wanna do, Fredrik. But it paid off, I think, because the new characters added new and much needed perspectives to the story. Now, we won't only care about the people of Beartown, but also the people of Hed.

There is so much light and darkness in this book that I think Backman fairly focused on the contrasting hues of the two vastly different sides of some of the things that are being mentioned in this book. There's happiness, but there's also heartbreak. There are deaths, but also newborns. There are losers, and there are winners. For every ending, there's a new beginning. And sometimes, the same thing happened to two different people, and the outcome of that same thing ended up being completely different. As Ramona said in the book, “Two of everything, one we see and one we don’t, an upside and a downside,” Sometimes we get one thing and other times we get the other, and it's all just a part of life. Reading about it in this book makes me want to appreciate both the upside and the downside in life, which is just the outcome that's expected from reading the Philosopher King's book.

I don't think I need to mention this, as it has already been well known how much I love Backman's style of writing, but I just need to mention how I think Backman just becomes better and better with every book he releases. To this day I don't think there's anyone who writes about human emotions and human connection as good as Backman. And I think that the initial title of this book, which is "Those Who Run Towards Fire" fits this book so much better, now after knowing the content of the book, but I get that The Winners is a catchier title, and I don't have any problem with that. But now just hearing or reading those words gives me the chills and the feels, man. (Also, it reminds me of my boy Spook/Lestibournes in The Hero of Ages of Mistborn trilogy, The Survivor of The Flames himself, because he literally run inside a burning building to save a town from burning down)

WARNING: SOME SPOILERS AHEAD!!!

Speaking of people who run towards fire, let's talk about Benji. I did know that Benji's going to die in this book, since Backman has given it away since Beartown and Us Against You, and it feels like he has been preparing us for it since Beartown. So, I think we all BEEN KNEW about Benji's death in this book. But, guess what, I was STILL DEVASTATED when IT happened. I swear to God, when I got to THAT scene, I was legit like:

It was pure pain and devastation. "This hurts too much to touch with words" is accurate because it REALLY is. I could babble on and on for hours about how painful it was, but no words could adequately represent how shattered I was when I was reading it. But I understand why Backman has to kill him off, though I was afraid at first as it seems to be feeding off of the Bury Your Gays trope, but it's really not, and you have to understand Benji's character to know how he had to die the way he did in this book. It was so fucking hard, but I accepted it and hope that now he can be in peace, somewhere in heavens with Ramona, Vidar, Ann-Katrin and maybe even his dad. And it is so right that this trilogy is ending after his death, because he really is at the heart of it.

Overall, this book is gorgeous, it made me cry and laugh and sob and reflect. It's gut-wrenching, but it's also a beautiful ending to this much beloved trilogy. Now that all three books are released, and I have finished all three of them, I can safely say that this trilogy is solid and definitely one of my favorite of all time. It's bittersweet to say goodbye to not only this trilogy, but also one of my comfort characters. As much as I want this book series to last forever, I know I need to let it go for now. Nothing gold can stay, Frost says. But I can always visit Beartown again in the future. Now, how do I get out of this book hangover?

BOOK SUMMARY:

It's two years after that tragic night, where the violence between Beartown and Hed reached its peak, and took one incredible young man's life. Beartown and Hed had been in truce since then, and no violence occurred between the two towns. Benji has left Beartown to travel abroad and find out who he could be without hockey, in many new places where he doesn't know a soul. Maya left Beartown to study music in the big city that made her realize just how small and remote her town actually is, in comparison. She's still fighting her demons that she got ever since that night Kevin took away her youth and her chances of living a carefree life in which she can drink at a friend's party without having to worry if she's getting too drunk that someone might rape her while she was intoxicated. She still calls Ana from time to time, but their friendship is not as it used to be.

Meanwhile, back in Beartown, The Beartown Hockey team keeps winning game after game, thanks to Amat, who is now the star player of the team, and Hed seem to be losing game after game. Along with Beartown Hockey Team's success, comes the sponsorship, and investors who are going to bring development and business to the town, while there are rumors that the Hed hockey club is going to be closed down. It's the exact opposite of what happened two years ago. However, there are rumors going around that Amat is faking his injuries, he was absent from many hockey games and cost the club the championship, because he kept getting drunk. He was doing amazing at the beginning that he was able to carry the team to finals for the first time in a long while for Beartown hockey club. However, suddenly Amat started missing games, the team soon started losing and in the end they lost the championship. Amat also went to the US for the NHL draft, but he did not get drafted and he'd been staying in his house all day since then.

Ana is recovering from a knee injury that she got after she kicked a guy who said that girls can't kick properly. Bobo is now working as an assistant coach to Zackell. Peter is still working for Kira at her hugely successful law firm, but it did not mend their strained marriage like Peter hoped it would, two years ago. Things may not be as good as we wanted it to be, but the people of Beartown are known to be strong and resilient. And that's a good thing, because a storm is happening and it's bringing chaos and changes with it.

Two remarkable things happened during the storm, someone we love passed away in their sleep, and a pregnant woman was about to give birth to a baby, but she was stuck in the car with her husband on their way to the hospital, because of the storm. Someone from Hed would have to work together with someone from Beartown to help the woman deliver her baby.

Another remarkable thing that happened during the storm is that the hockey rink in Hed collapsed due to the storm. Some business man from Beartown will take advantage of this, which will cause the rivalry between the two towns to reach new highs that will cost them dearly.

The funeral would bring Maya and Benji home, and the old gang's back together once again in Beartown. We would later hope they didn't.

The people of Beartown mourn the passing of someone we love, but they will do it again so unexpectedly soon, and the death would make them evaluate their collective failure as a community that led to said loss. Can the people of Beartown and Hed weather the storm?

🚨 SPOILER ALERT 🚨

From this point forward in the review, I will mention spoilers, plot twist and the ending. So, if you don’t wish to be spoiled, you can skip the rest of the review and come back to this review once you’ve finished reading this book.

So... let's talk about it…

THE CONTRASTING THEME: LIFE-DEATH, AND TWO VASTLY DIFFERENT SIDES OF THE SAME COIN. I sensed a really strong theme of the contrasting of two different things in this book. First is about life and death. When Ramona died during the storm, Vidar (the baby that Ana and Hannah helped deliver) was born. When Benji and Matteo died, a set of twin babies were born into the world in a hospital in Hed.

Sidenote, and this is not in the theme, but notice how all three of the tragic deaths, Ruth's, Matteo's and Benji's, all described the same way: they died before they hit the floor.

Both Maya and Ruth were raped, one happened not long after the other, one happened in Beartown and the other in Hed, but the outcome of these two cases are so vastly different. Ruth died after abusing drugs and alcohol, while Maya survived, though she's still battling the PTSD from that night, but she's thriving in the big city, she's enrolled in a music school, and she'll go on living and become a successful and famous singer. The difference between these two girls is the support from their own family, friends and community. Maya was blessed with a family and friends who believed her, and fought for her justice, while Ruth's family didn't. Amazing how much difference a good support system can make on a person's well being.

Matteo and Leo also had such contrasting endings, even though they're so similar in so many ways. They're the same age, they both love video games, they both felt the rage for what happened to their sisters, they both felt helpless, not knowing what to do with all of their rage, but they both felt the need to act on it. We know how in Us Against You, Leo joined The Pack, but then his family stopped him from being involved in the violence and danger, while Matteo had no one to protect him from doing the stupid things he did in this book, as his parents are both mentally checked out from reality, and no one stepped up to care for him, thus he felt invisible in his town. I feel like guys like Teemu, Vidar and a lot of guys from the pack were able to grow up to be somewhat "decent" guys (debatable, I know, but at least they protect the weak and each other, and they never hurt anyone who doesn't deserve it) because at least they had a parental figure in Ramona, or each other, who would later be their support system. Who knows how they would have turned out to be if they never had Ramona or each other. Again, what difference a good support system can make.

I really like this theme and I applaud Backman for including this theme in the book, because as he stated in the book, most rape survivors don't have it as good of an outcome as Maya, and there are so many people with stories like Ruth's out there in the world. And same thing for Leo and Matteo's case. I think the message is clear, that every one, especially if they're still children, need good familial support system, and how we need to step up for our community and be kind to each other, check up on one another, so no one would have felt invisible, or not heard, or not believed.

IT'S ABOUT REDEMPTION. I know that this is the final installment to the trilogy, so Backman might want to end it with everyone having character development and growth, but I feel like everyone got a redemption arc in this book, except for Ruth's rapist. Tails got a redemption arc with him helping Peter with "The Cathedral", Lev got a redemption arc when he helped Ana staged an alibi for his father, Richard Theo helped Kira bury the story on Bearton Hockey's corruption, even Ruth and Matteo's parents got a redemption arc with all of their charity works.

I think the theme of redemption is very easily felt in the book, especially in the last part of the book, with the whole "Cathedral" thing that Peter, Tails and Kira are doing with the new ice rink in The Hollows, Kira's new law firm, and everything Lev and Matteo's parents did. I feel this quote accurately represents that theme in the book:

"It’s that sort of town, where everything can change and the people can be transformed. Where we find the strength to play even though our lungs are screaming. Possibly because we’re used to withstanding the darkness, both inside and outside. Possibly because we live close to wilderness. But perhaps most of all because, just like everyone else in every other place: If we don’t have tomorrow, what’s the alternative?"

This theme reminds me of this Backman quote from Anxious People about forgiveness and redemption:

“They say that a person’s personality is the sum of their experiences. But that isn’t true, at least not entirely, because if our past was all that defined us, we’d never be able to put up with ourselves. We need to be allowed to convince ourselves that we’re more than the mistakes we made yesterday. That we are all of our next choices, too, all of our tomorrows.”

Maybe that's the main moral message that Backman is trying to tell the readers with this trilogy, that people fuck up all the time, whether it was done with intent or not, as long as we're alive, we still have a chance to make up and repent for our mistakes. That's why sports, or more specifically in this trilogy, hockey, is the main theme of the trilogy, because as Backman wrote in the final chapter of this book:

"It’s easy to love hockey then, because hockey isn’t the past, it isn’t yesterday, it’s always next. The next change of line, the next game, the next season, the next generation, the next magical moment when something we didn’t think was possible becomes a miracle. The next chance to fly up from your seat and yell with joy. Next."

And from that quote, I took it to mean that for all of us, the most important step is the next step, no matter how you fuck up in the past, it's all about how you make up for it in the present. Your next action is the most important one.

THE HOCKEY CORRUPTION STORY. I feel iffy that the story on corruption in Beartown is buried, even though I absolutely love Peter, and I hate the way it all happened, but most of all because it involves Richard Theo, I just hate how it's being buried. My conscience is screaming at me that it's so wrong, just because I love Peter and don't want him to go to jail because he was just being used by Tails, doesn't mean that the truth should not be exposed, and they can deal with the outcome in court maybe.

Also, the sentiment about moral and ethical standards, being expressed in the book via Kira's law business partner, that when it involves our own family and the people we love, all of our moral and ethical standards go out the window, I think it's kind of hypocritical.

"“Do you think I’m doing the wrong thing? In purely moral terms? Defending Peter like this?”

“You know, Kira, all my thoughts about morals and ethics boil down to one single thing: not if it concerns your family. You can have a thousand principles, but not if it concerns your family. That’s what you protect first and foremost, above morals, even above the law. Family first. You’re loads of things, but you’re a mother first. A wife first.”"

I know, it's easier said than done, but I'd like to think that I would hold the same moral and ethical standards I have towards other people with my own family too. Because I trust other people to do the same towards their own family too. I don't know, I think there's debates to be had about it, and maybe when tested in real life, I would share the same sentiment as Kira's colleague, but theoretically and ideally speaking, the sentiment is hypocritical.

Also, even though the journalist is publishing the expose on the council members' corruption may bring the citizens of Hed and Beartown together, I think the two towns would still have the rivalry for years to come.

TAILS. Boy oh boy, do I hate him. He was okay in Beartown (book 1), and irritating at worst in book 2, but in this book you just can't help but hate him, and if you disagree we can't be friends.

I mean, the AUDACITY of this guy, he had A LOT of nerve making the tragedy that is the storm to benefit him, his politics, Beartown and its hockey club. How is this guy not the villain here? And I can't believe it's taken us three books to find out how rotten he really is.

He's just the the absolute dumb-ass for making Peter responsible for his corrupt hockey politics, even though he may not had the sinister intent of making Peter the scapegoat for his corruptions. And I don't like that in the end he gets to redeem himself by helping Peter build the Ice Rink or "The Cathedral" in The Hollows, but whatever. Maybe it's just my petty ass, but if I were Peter I would probably cut him out of my life for good.

HANNAH AND JOHNNY BEING KIRA AND PETER 2.0, OR HED VERSION OF KIRA AND PETER. I guess they're sweet and couple goals too, and I think that Johnny is funnier than Peter, but I'm already too invested with the Anderssons. Another family like them being introduced to the story this late in the trilogy just can't compare to the OG one. I like their family, don't get me wrong, I like Hannah and Johnny as well as all of the children, I found each and everyone of them to be very interesting characters, but unfortunately we just have not spend that much time with them to care about them that much. But I appreciate that they represent the Hed's perspective, though.

The best things about this book for me are...

BENJAMIN OVICH. The official guardian angel of Beartown. The heart and soul of this trilogy. He IS, and always will be my comfort character. All I wanted for him in this book is to be happy, and to finally read about him being happy in this book is truly everything, it's definitely worth the wait, and what a joy it was to read. It's so so good to read about Benji being happy, that I want to inject it into my veins. And as much as I hate that he's killed off at the end, in a way I'm also glad because in this book he seemed to be the most contented we've ever known him. Also, he died the way he lived: protecting other people. We all know how in Beartown (Book 1) he had protected Kevin in and out of the ice all throughout their friendship until the rape, then in Us Against You (Book 2) he protected Leo, and in this book he died protecting Alicia. Because that's just the kind of person he had always been: a protector, someone who runs towards a burning building to save other people. How can your heart not break for him?

I know I said in the review of Us Against You: 

Well, I’m not rioting because now, I have peace with his tragic ending. As much as I hoped that he didn't die and wished for him to find someone he can be happy with, and spend the rest of his life with, and for them to live together happily ever after, I can appreciate Backman's choice to kill him off in this book. His death is a powerful lesson for the whole town of Beartown, and I can't even be mad at Matteo, for pulling the trigger and shot the bullet that killed Benji. It's the failure of the entire town that drove him to this point, and now they have to pay dearly. Benji had lived such a tremendous life in such a short time that the whole town mourned his passing, and he had such a big heart that everyone in that town loved him. It's not everyday that a character in a book gets me to be this emotional about them passing, while simultaneously accepting it and have peace with it. He's in the Elite Characters Heaven now, with Rin (TPW), Kelsier, Vin and Elend (Mistborn) and others. They're guardian angels now.

Now, what I wish we get in this book that I didn't get is the stories about Benji's travels. I do think that Benji's been transformed, even if just a little because he's still his awesome self, but he's been transformed by his travels nonetheless, and the little glimpses of it that we get in this book is waayyy too small. I understand that Backman already had too many stories to fit into this book, and there are new characters that we need to get to know too, but I just need more Benji.

One of the saddest things about Benji in this book is the way that he's still haunted by Kevin, even after two years and thousands of miles away from home, but still he blames himself and can't seem to mentally let go of Kevin. Knowing that Kevin was his first love, best friend, and the love of his life, it hurts too much to touch with words. And the way that Benji still blames himself for Kevin raping Maya. As if it was his responsibility to keep Kevin behaving appropriately towards women. There are so many times I just want to yell at him "IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT, BABE!!!" like Robin Williams in Good Will Hunting, lol.

I mean, my guy needed to see a therapist, like, yesterday. He needed it so freaking bad. How I hope he had at least seen a therapist, how different his life would have been like. Oh, if only...

Benji and Alicia's unlikely friendship is something that I didn't know I needed in my life. I mean, inject it straight into my veins. Every time these two are having a cute interaction I just have the biggest smile on my face, like an idiot. Their friendship takes the prize in this book, beating Maya and Ana's and even Amat and Bobo's, and that's saying a lot, if you've read my review of Beartown and Us Against You. My favourite moment of theirs is a tie between that scene where they lay down on the ice together and Benji taught Alicia to not be scared, and that scene where they just said "Hi bestieee" to each other. I mean, just look at the material:

"Adri drives through the forest and stops on the slope above the campervan. She has Alicia with her, the girl rushes down through the trees and throws herself into Benji’s arms.

“Hi best friend,” Benji whispers.

“Hi best friend,” she giggles back."

It's pure serotonin for me. Every time I get sad, I'll just read that and I'll be happy again.

And Alicia's not the only lucky soul to have Benji as her friend, Maya and Ana are also so lucky to have been besties with him in this book. But especially Maya, I feel like she and Benji have an even tighter bond in this book, since in the last two books we didn't get a lot of interactions between them. So, I was a little taken aback when I read about how Maya ran and hugged him the first time she saw him at Ramona's funeral, because it feels like a long time friendship's reunion. Did they keep in touch and get closer since they last saw each other in Beartown? I wish we knew. Nonetheless, their friendship tugged at my heartstrings, and I adore them together. The kind of friendship where you just wish for a happy ending for each other is so wholesome and precious that I think people who truly have that are the luckiest ones among us. I strive to be one of them too.

It's also great to know that Benji and Ana are great friends now, that Benji has forgiven her and Ana has learned her lesson and is now a better person. Their friendship hits different for me, because to Ana, Benji was a crush, then he's a boy who broke her heart, then he's her victim because she outed him against his wills, and now, he's one of her best friends. And for Benji too, Ana was someone he sympathized with because of her drunk father, then she was the one that outed him, and now she's one of his best friends too. Their friendship taught me a lot about forgiveness, specifically to forgive people's mistakes and believe that people can really change and be better if they're given the chance to.

Benji's friendship with Amat and Bobo too. They have my whole heart, these boys. They keep on cheering and motivate each other on, and even though they were separated for two years but when they see each other again it was like they've never been apart, and their chemistry's still as strong as ever, even though all three of them have changed and grown a lot since they last see each other. That scene where Benji and Amat were helping Bobo courting Tess by playing with her brothers, and that scene when Benji were "hyping" Amat up to come back to practice for Beartown Hockey team, and that scene in the forest when they were camping and Benji were accompanying Amat and the Bobo pee on a tree, these are the moments that keep me going these last few days. I cherish those moments so much.

Now, Benji's friendship with Aleksander/Big City is one that made my heart flutter a little. I do sense a kind of a "vibe" between these two, and I get the feeling that Benji might actually have a crush on him, but it sucks that the guy's straight, lol. But I did enjoy it so much, how their friendship blossomed in such a short time. I love how Benji was the first real friend for Big City, because of course he is, someone with such a big wild heart and the most beautiful smile like Benji's could be anyone's friend.

I've said in my review of Us Against You that my ultimate ship in this trilogy is Benji and Happiness, and in Ch. 69 - Leaders, Ch. 70 - Players & Ch. 72 - Campers, my ship is SAILING. I even cried out of pure happiness for Benji. I knew that after those chapters, everything was gonna go downhill for him, Backman was being too generous, all of the characters that I love are happy and well, so something horrible must be waiting to happen to them soon. But I appreciate those happy moments so much. I hope we can all pretend that those three chapters last forever, or the book ends right there with everyone being happy. But you can't have happiness if you don't know suffering, I guess.

AMAT. My sweet baby boy who's not so much a baby anymore in this book. He's a grown man now, and although he's no stranger to adversities (literally, the guy's an immigrant POC who's trying to make it in the predominantly white sport, in a predominantly white town), he's about to face them at the next level in this book, and oh boy was it hard to read. I think he's got the reverse of a glow up in this book, he got a character regression, and it's heartbreaking to read. What I expected to read about him in this book is him being happy, being the best hockey player, playing in the NHL, making his mom proud, happy and able to retire from cleaning the rink, and just living their best life together. Pretty much the exact opposite of what we actually get of him in the beginning to middle of this book.

Amat got "hustled" by Lev and didn't get drafted into the NHL because of him, he became a drunk and was depressed after he got back home, the people of Beartown blamed him for faking his injuries and making the team lose the championship. I feel like, yes, we did get significantly more of Amat in this book, which is great and just what I wanted since the first two previous books, BUT NOT LIKE THIS. My guy's really struggling here and it's hard to read through the tears. It's as if Backman said, "Okay, I hear ya, here's more Amat, BUT HE'S GONNA SUFFER MUAHAHAHAHHA"

Suffice it to say, I cried while reading about him in the beginning, A LOT, and my heart was shattered.

JK, I still love you, Backman.

What's really bugging me about Amat's character regression is that it seems like, other than his own mother, and sometimes Peter, he doesn't really have a support system. Which is why I'm so mad that Lifa and Zacharias disappeared in this book, because they were such an amazing support system for Amat in Us Against You, they gave him a freaking army when he lost his hockey team, they pushed him to keep training and not give up on his dream. WHERE THE HELL ARE LIFA AND ZACHARIAS, BACKMAN? Are they being kept hostage in a basement somewhere?!!! I need to know, not only for Amat's sake, but I genuinely care about them both, and I was hoping to get more of them in this book. Okay, I'll save this rant for the criticism part of the review. Anyway, I feel like everyone, other than his mom and Peter, had failed him. Zackell, Bobo, Mumble, his team, even other people in Beartown like Tails, and Sune failed Amat, but I feel like the person to blame the most is Zackell.

I think the blame should be on Zackell for Amat getting burned out like he was in the beginning of the book because she should have looked out for him. Zackell was able to detect Filip's shoulder pain in Us Against You, but her own player, nay, not just any player, but her own STAR PLAYER she didn't know had a badly injured wrist?! Is that an exaggerated overlook or what? And she should have cared for Amat more, visited his home, and had a talk with him. There's just so much she could have done to help Amat, it's so frustrating. I get that she lacks social cues and is very awkward but we get to see her care about Benji, and about Bobo, but Amat she didn't care enough to visit and talk things through? To this day, I can't bring myself to like her.

Hard as it was though, in the end I'm happy with Amat's character arc in this book, because I feel that there's an element of a realistic depiction of the immigrant struggle in  Amat's story in the beginning of the book. I know that a lot of immigrants every where in the world are pushing themselves so hard to be the "model minority", trying their hardest to not cause any problems, and to always be grateful for the new life in the new country. And they try to excel and contribute something great for their new community because they feel indebted to their community, just like how Fatima is always grateful no matter how hard she and Amat have it in Beartown, and so she taught Amat to also always be grateful too.  I can imagine it being very taxing on a person. And for Amat, to be pressured by everyone to win every game, like he owes it to them to bring victory home, and be blamed for the losses, as if he's responsible for how his teammates play in the games too. No wonder his love for hockey slowly turns to hate, I would hate it too if I were him.

I did not appreciate that scare where Backman was insinuating that Fatima is going to die. I was already devastated and I was screaming, crying, kicking, and throwing up, but then Backman did what he does best, and said, "SYKE!!!" 😂🤪🤡🤭 And I was like 😭😭😭 PLEASE SIR, SOME OF US HAVE CRIPPLING ANXIETY, HAVE MERCY. However, I'd be Backman's lawyer for a moment and say that maybe Backman just wanted us to feel what Amat felt when he was looking for his Mom in the middle of a storm and found her in a ditch, so we understand his dread, because it took him out of his slump.

I love that despite everything he's been through, Amat still got back up, and then he got to thank and acknowledge Peter for all his help, and even though we didn't get to know or get to read much of it (which is criminal), he gets to become an NHL player, just like he had always dreamed of being.

MAYA. Let's check in with my No. 1 girl now. Well, Maya is doing great. Well, as great as she can be anyway, as she's still dealing with the PTSD from the rape. But other than that, Maya is moving up in the world, she's striving in her music school, she's living her best life in the big city, away from her family, and childhood friends, but also the people who only knew her as the rape victim. Maya finally get her chance to live her life freely, without people defining her only by the horrible thing that happened to her. Now, I have to be honest and say that there's not much to Maya's story in this book, unlike in Beartown and Us Against You. Although I do think that Maya has grown stronger and wiser in this book, she's less of a main character in this book compared to the previous two. The most exciting part of Maya's story in this book is when she was being secretly interrogated by an undercover reporter for the exposé of the corruption of the Beartown Hockey Club and its district council. And then later at the very end of the book when she took Alicia out of the rink, away from Benji's lifeless body.

However, I have to point out that I did enjoy so much reading about how much Maya has matured into such an amazing young woman in this book, she even helped her mom and dad with their issues. And even though there's not much Leo, nor Maya and Leo bonding moments in this book, that little scene where Maya busted him smoking cigarettes but then she herself asks for two cigarettes to keep quiet from their parents, it's so sweet and just shows how much both of them have grown up.

Her songs still slap so hard, and I love them so freaking much, but especially that song about that last game Benji played, that song took the wind right out of me when I reread it after I finished reading the book. I wish Backman had commissioned a musician to make it into a real song, it would be one hell of a soul crushing banger, for sure. But, for now I just have to make do with songs that have the most similar vibes to her songs, I guess. It's Spring Day by BTS and Who Knows by P!nk on repeat for me, I guess.

In the end, when Maya took Alicia away from Benji's lifeless body and held her outside of the rink, it's one of the most powerful things I've ever read. What a way to tie it all together in the end, because I think that one of the most prominent theme of the whole trilogy is female empowerment, and that one of the strongest message of the trilogy is that the biggest downfall of hockey is the misogyny and how toxic the winning culture is, not only to the athletes, but also to the people around them and their community. Maya was the first KNOWN victim of the toxic winning culture that was nurtured into the young athletes in Beartown, and Alicia lost her best friend due to the violence that was resulted from the victim-blaming and victim-silencing culture that the town had. The main moral message is, when we discriminate against one gender over the other, we ALL lose, we all pay the price. Also, when we don't say or do anything after we witness or know something that's morally wrong, we indirectly endorse it. That's why we need more people like Amat, who stood up for Maya, and people like Benji who supported Maya and condemned Kevin's actions, even though he's the love of his life, same as Kevin's mom who apologized directly to Maya. And so, that scene with all of those women holding Maya and Alicia is so powerful, it's like they're saying, no more, we will not let any more of our friends, sisters, and daughters fall victim, as we will protect and save each other from harm. I love that so much.

ANA. My fighter queen. I had such a great time reading about her in this book. I think she's more of a main character than Maya in this book, for the first time. I mean, this book really is about people who run towards fire, and that's why Ana shines so bright in this book, because that's what she is. When she drove Hannah through the forest in the middle of a storm to help someone deliver a baby, I thought, of course that is something she would do. It seems very fitting and in character for her, because we know ever since she was a child she had always been that kind of person. That's how she met Maya, she rescued her from drowning and being froze to death. However, I legit thought that she was going to die when she was helping Hannah get to that couple and then when she was driving them to the hospital, that's how severe my trust issue with Backman is. Thank God nobody died in that scene. Anyway, the fact that the couple named their newborn son Vidar in honor of Ana's Vidar is just...

I'm just a sucker for tragic love stories, and Ana and Vidar's never fail to wreck me emotionally no matter how many times I read about them in Us Against You, so to read about the baby being named Vidar, I literally had to take a break because it just hit me in the guts.

But back to Ana now, I think she just becomes more awesome in this book. She didn't get a glow up, nor did she go to a school in the big city like Maya, but I still feel that she just becomes more badass and awesome in this book. I think that it's criminal that we didn't get much of her martial arts career in this book, but I'm grateful for what we have of her in this book.

In the end part of the book, in that scene where Ana and Lev took her father home, and created an alibi for her father so he won't be criminally charged for Matteo's murder, and Ana  was crying as she get drunk for the last time, it's so fucking heartbreaking. (Here we'll have to talk about having the same moral and ethical standard towards our family and loved ones as we do towards other people, but in this case I personally think that what Ana's dad did was justified since Matteo was shooting up the locker room and took Benji's life, which is an innocent's life, so I think Ana's dad shooting Matteo down can be seen as defense, but I'm not familiar with the law in Sweden, maybe what he did can be criminally charged, so I don't have any qualms about Ana and Lev protecting him, even though they're lying to the police, but that's just my opinion) Ana's dad saved other people in that locker room from being shot by Matteo, and he gave Matteo a quick death too, and Ana just lost one of her best friend and she must also be so fucking scared that her dad will be held in prison for the rest of his life for what he did. I really feel for her in that scene, I just want to give her the biggest hug and tell her that everything's gonna be okay.

I love Ana's relationship with Hannah, I love how awkward they both are towards each other but also how much they care about and love each other. Also, her wanting to be an ambulance helicopter pilot came out of left field, but also so   in character for her. In the end, I love her character's arc and her story, she's such a free spirited and badass character that she'll fit perfectly with a group of my other fave badass and strong protagonists: Toph Beifong (ATLA), Fang Runin (TPW), Vin  (Mistborn), Lift (The Stormlight Archive). I also love how her dad is finally sober again, and hopefully he'll be able to keep being sober for the rest of their lives.

PETER AND KIRA. Everyone's favorite couple is STILL having a hard time in this book. I thought by the end of Us Against You, their problems had been resolved but NOPE. It's as existent as ever and they even avoid each other now, even though they work at the same office, a few feet from each other. As a child of a broken home, this was NOT fun to read.

Reading about Peter feeling not needed in the office and in his own home is heartbreaking, but him baking bread all the time is SO FREAKING CUTE. I found him to be so charming when I found out that he likes to bake and share his baked goods with others, it's so freaking wholesome. I liked him when he was the Beartown Hockey Team's GM, but why do I like him more when he bakes and just being a wholesome person. I feel sorry for him, but there's no shame in being a stay at home dad and husband who loves baking, though. I just hope that he and Kira could have communicated better so things wouldn't have to be that bad.

I love when he tried to help Amat with the whole NHL draft situation and when he felt happy that he could help in any way with Beartown hockey club, so he helped Zackell in recruiting Big City. It's kinda sad, I know, especially with Tails, his supposed best friend secretly abused his naiveté and trust that Peter could have been criminally charged and be kept in prison, and him feeling not wanted anywhere, so he really cherished what little joy he could get from hockey. But I think all of that just builds up his character even more, and although he doesn't really have a character arc as he was a consistently good character all throughout the trilogy, he kept having to overcome all of these adversities and I believe he's an even better and stronger man now because of them.

As for Kira, I'm so proud of her for going to therapy, that means she's willing and actively seeking out help to work things out with her husband. She did have her moments of being hard headed and too proud to start talking things out with Peter, or rather she didn't know how to, but in the end she came around because of the love they have for each other is too strong. She is truly goals, because not only she's girl boss, but what makes her even greater is that though she made mistakes, she worked hard to learn and make up for those mistakes. I love that about her. She's honestly such a remarkable woman, wife and mother.

Reading about her feeling guilty all the time because she blamed herself for her marital issues and not being a good enough mother is heartbreaking, because that just shows how much she actually cares and wants to be better, even though she's an already amazing mom and wife. Every time she thinks about Isak, I just start crying because that pain is so real and Backman is just a master of writing emotions like these.

I also love it so much when she finally decided to close her successful business law firm and open new one non profit law firm to advocate for rape survivors. And her friendship with her work partner is just friendship goals. And her wanting to help and mentor Tess because she saw her young self in her is just beautiful. I love all of these women so much.

BOBO. The one with the best character arc of this whole trilogy. Just when I thought this boy couldn't be any better, Backman proves me wrong. He's the ultimate boyfriend goals in this book, and he is just so freaking endearing and cute with Tess. His and Tess's love story is the cutest, I just wanna burst when I read about these two.

I know I said that he failed Amat earlier, but let's also acknowledge how Amat also brushed him aside constantly but Bobo was never one to hold grudges, which is so admirable of him. So when they made up, their friendship is still as heartwarming as ever, and that Lupines scene is so wholesome. These two are still my fave friendship in this trilogy, well, maybe after Alicia and Benji's friendship.

RAMONA. Trust her to still be iconic even from beyond the grave. Can you believe that she made Peter and Teemu brothers even after she died? The influence this woman has, I swear.

THAT FUNERAL SCENE AND PETER'S EULOGY... DRINK MY TEARS

I don't even care about QEII's death, but this Queen's death right here, we truly need 100 days in mourning for her passing, because how could we cope without her??!!!

Peter, Teemu, Vidar, and Benji were Ramona's sons, no one can tell me otherwise.

TEEMU. Did I become his stan because of this book? Yes. Yes, I did. How could I not? Like I said about The Pack in the previous review, he might be a psycho, but he's OUR psycho.  No, he's actually the antihero. Also, he just lost Ramona in the beginning of this book, who had been a parental figure for him, and he tragically lost his only brother two years ago, the man deserves a big warm hug.

I am sad that he didn't end up with Adri, Benji's sister, because I shipped them, but I'm happy for him nevertheless when it was revealed in the end that he has a son who likes soccer.

He has been such an interesting morally grey character in this trilogy and you know I love my morally grey characters, and I'm adding him to my list of fave antihero characters.

Also, The Pack are still as violent as ever when they attacked Hed when they mocked Bang the dog's death at that hockey game, but I just can't help but love them. What other group of men would go absolutely feral like that to defend deceased dog? They're the type of guys who love something  or someone so strongly and unconditionally, that it made them lethal, and I think that is so sweet.

I also love when The Pack gave Peter a bouquet of flowers to give to Kira because she was helping the club legally. They're all as sweet as cinnamon rolls at heart.

RUTH. When I think back how mad and devastated I was reading about Maya in Beartown (Book 1), it makes me so much more mad now because Ruth's story makes me realize how good Maya actually had it, that there are so many others who had it so much worse, like Ruth, and I'm heartbroken for all of them. It's not a competition, no one has monopoly on trauma, it's fucking awful that these women went through something so horrible, I just wish there was someone who could have supported Ruth, and others like her, and help them go through all of the process like  how Maya had Ana and her family. Ruth's story is so painful and heart-shattering to read, but sadly it's accurate to a LOT of real life rape cases.

If anything, Ruth's story highlighted the importance of having a support system, loving and supportive family, friends and allies who care, speak up and stand up for the rape victims.

MATTEO. I desperately want to hate him, for what he did, but I can't. How can I when I know he's hurting too, and I understand a little too much about how hurt people hurt other people. I still remember so much about how Leo was doing self harm and looking to get into trouble in Us Against You, because he felt so much rage and pain for all of the fucked up shits his sister had to go through and how every one around them seem to fail her. And I think, if you've ever loved someone, you will be able to understand his pain and frustrations. Also, keep in mind that he's only 14 years old, and he has no one to talk to, no friends, and his parents are mentally checked out from reality, and other people never seem to notice him in Beartown. Knowing all of that, it's very hard to blame and hate him, instead I just feel so sorry for him.

Even Backman pointed out how things would have turned out to be if only one person had noticed Matteo:

"Then Matteo gets back on the moped and drives home to Beartown. It breaks down halfway. He stands at the side of the road waving at passing cars for help, but those who see him don’t stop, and those who might have stopped don’t see him. One of the vehicles that drives past in the other direction is a police car. How differently this story might have ended if it hadn’t just driven past on its way, because the police were hurrying to get to a reported gunfire incident at a parking lot in town. Then Rodri would have been the only person who died."

It reminded me of this story from a great Youtube video, where a psychotherapist is interviewing someone who was going to shoot people at their school, the person said that what had stopped him from realizing his intention of shooting up his school is a girl who was adamant on being his friend, because she had noticed that he was being bullied, so that one act of kindness from the girl (along with the things the person learned from his studies and the internet that open up his mind more about the world) was able to put a stop to his deadly and extremely destructive plan to shoot up his school, and I just marvel at how amazing and inspiring that is. Imagine if Matteo had that too, there would never have been a shooting at the rink, and nobody would have died.

Matteo really didn't have to kill Bang the dog, though.

MUMBLE. My initial reaction when I learned the truth about him and how he didn't stand up for Ruth was shocked, nay, FLABBERGASTED. And the, RAGE. I mean, I liked him, I was rooting for him.

I WAS FUCKING ROOTING FOR YOU, but all this time you were a coward who didn't stand up and speak up for Ruth?!!! I was beyond disappointed.

HOWEVER!! I quickly realize Backman was right when he wrote a lot of us are cowards, and a lot of us probably would have done the same thing as Mumble, and that Amat was an anomaly for being so brave and stood up and spoke up for Maya, so who am I to judge Mumble when I maybe would have done the same thing? Of course we all like to think that we would have been brave enough to speak up in defense of those who need it, and I truly hope we are, but until we are tested ourselves, who are we to judge Mumble?

Also, this is every introverts' worst nightmare, Mumble was in the wrong place at the wrong place (at the night of the rape), which is why he couldn't speak up to defend Ruth, on top of the threats from Ruth's rapist, and he had chosen a wrong company to keep. Yeah, I think that's his biggest mistake, that he kept being friends with that trash. I know Ruth's rapist wasn't a bad person when Mumble first met him, but how I wish that Mumble had dropped him completely when he turned bad and toxic, since Mumble couldn't do anything to save him from his toxicity, nor was it his job to. It reminds me of the importance of keeping the right companies, and not being scared of cutting out toxic people out of my life. Although, I understand that mumble really had a problem with expressing himself and he had almost zero personal agency, which is probably why he kept being friends with Ruth's rapist and couldn't get away from him, which is so fucking horrible, and if that's actually the case then Mumble's completely not to blame. I don't know, he was just in such a horrible situation, he was trapped, and some would even argue that he's also a victim of Ruth's rapist, and I feel so bad for him.

In the end, I'm heartbroken that he had to "go into the forest and never come out".

SUNE. My sweet wise old man. Truthfully, I'm sad that there's so little of him here, but glad to know that he's still around. It's sad though, that he's mostly here for the Bang being killed storyline. Well at least he wasn't at the two games where the violence happened, so he didn't get hurt.

It's also great that Sune's still Alicia's guardian, at least she still has him and Benji's sisters and Mom.

As much as I love this book, I do have some criticisms…

While I do think that adding new characters to the story is a great move as they add a fresh and new perspective, I do feel sad that old characters from the first two books are being excluded in this book. Characters like Lifa, Zacharias, Jeannette, William, David, and Filip, that I think should be present in the story in this book. Like I feel like Lifa and Zacharias would never let Amat get to his lowest point as he was in the earlier part of this book, since we know in Us Against You that they gave him an army so he won't give up on his dream and hockey. And what happened to Jeannette? Is she still coaching Ana? And we know that David cared a lot about Benji, how did he react when he knew about what happened to Benji? And didn't he and William and Filip leave Beartown hockey club to play for Hed? Why aren't they present in this book, since Hed's hockey played a pretty big role in the conflict? Maybe they have moved on to coach and play at bigger hockey clubs (it might be mentioned in the book, but I couldn't remember it and I didn't make note of it) which is why they didn't appear in this book, but still. I get that there may be too many characters in this book, and the new characters are important and necessary to the story, but to completely write these old characters off feels very weird to me. Not to mention that I was excited and expecting to get more of Lifa and Zacharias in this book, so this is a big let down for me. Is losing all of these characters worth having the new characters? I don't know. I love most of the new characters, but not getting any Lifa and Zacharias blows so hard.

I wish there were more Hockey games, the two actual games we get in this book, the violence got in the way of it actually being played. I miss the hockey games like the ones in Beartown (Book 1). But at least we get that practice game scene with Amat, Big City, Mumble, Bobo, Benji and Peter playing, and it was one of the best scenes in this book.

So many short chapters in this book. I think Backman could have added more to them and made this book even thicc-er, which would make this book even better, IMO. Like, don't be shy Fredrik, make it 1000 pages, please.

My favourite moments from the book:

When Ana bonded with Hannah after she delivered the baby  during that storm

When Amat and Bobo run together again for the first time in a while, where Bobo told him that he's like Lupines because he's so strong and unbreakable, and Amat apologized to Bobo, and Amat hoped that Bobo will be a father in the future because he has such a big heart and a short memory which are the two best qualities for a father

When Peter and Teemu bonded like brothers after Ramona's death

The Gang's reunion at Ramona's funeral (Benji, Maya, Ana, Bobo, Amat, Mumble)

All of Benji and Alicia scenes, where they're being the best besties ever

When Bobo, Amat, Mumble and Benji went to Tess's house, Bobo and Tess made dinner, and Amat, Mumble and Benji played and bonded with Tobias, Ted and Ture

That fun after practice game with Amat, Big City, Mumble, Bobo, Benji and Peter playing, and Maya, Ana, Sune, the caretaker and Fatima were watching and all of them were super happy and full of life and laughter

That camping night where Benji and Maya were being the cutest besties, with Big City, Maya, Ana, Bobo, Amat and Mumble

When Bobo told Johnny that it's not up to him whom Tess dates and he knows he doesn't deserve Tess and he would never hold her back from achieving and realizing her dreams and aspirations

When Kira told her colleague and Maya that she wants to give up their current firm and open up a new non-profit one to help rape survivors like Maya, and so Tess could one day work there too, and her colleague told her that she's gonna join and help with with that

When Kira and Peter finally talked honestly and openly for the first time in a while and seem to be working on their marriage and their family.

My favorite quotes from the book:

"Naive dreams are love’s last line of defense, so somehow we always convince ourselves that no terrible tragedies will ever afflict those we love, and that our people will succeed in escaping fate. For their sakes we dream of eternal life, we wish for superpowers and try to build time machines. We hope. Dear God, how we hope."

"Do you want to understand people? Really understand them? Then you need to know all the best that we are capable of."

"It took chaos to set him free, loneliness to stop him being alone."

"People say that age brings wisdom, but for most of us that really isn’t true, when we get old we’ve just accumulated more experiences, good and bad. The result is more likely to be cynicism than wisdom. When we’re young we know nothing about all the very worst that can hit us, which is just as well, because otherwise we’d never leave the house.

And we would definitely never let go of those we love."

"“You know a lot about men for someone so young.”

“They just think we want them to protect us the whole goddamn time, as if we need their fucking protection,” Ana snorts."

"Every now and then their dad gently puts one hand on his sons’ and daughter’s backs, one at a time, to make sure they’re still breathing. There’s no good reason to suspect that they aren’t, but there’s nothing reasonable about being a parent. The only thing everyone said when he was about to become a father was: “Don’t worry.” What a meaningless thing to say. There’s an immensity of love that bursts from your chest the first time you hear your child cry, every emotion you’ve ever felt is amplified to the point of absurdity, children open floodgates inside us, upward as well as down. You’ve never felt so happy, and never felt so scared. Don’t say “don’t worry” to someone in that position. You can’t love someone like this without worrying about everything, forever. It hurts your chest at times, a real, physical pain that makes Johnny bend over and gasp for breath. His skeleton creaks, his body aches, love never has enough space. He should have known better than to have four children, he should have thought about it, but everyone said “don’t worry,” and he’s always been an easily persuaded idiot. Thank goodness. We fool ourselves that we can protect the people we love, because if we accepted the truth we’d never let them out of our sight."

"“Home.”

There really ought to be several different words for that, one for the place and one for the people, because after enough years a person’s relationship to their town becomes more and more like a marriage. Both are held together by stories of what we have in common, the little things no one else knows about, the private jokes that only we think are funny, and that very particular laugh that you only laugh for me. Falling in love with a place and falling in love with a person are related adventures. At first we run around street corners giggling and explore every inch of each other’s skin, over the years we get to know every cobblestone and strand of hair and snore, and the waters of time soften our passion into unfailing love, and in the end the eyes we wake up next to and the horizon outside our window are the same thing: home.

So there ought to be two words for that, one for the home which can carry you through your darkest moments, and one for the home which binds you. Because sometimes we stay in towns and marriages simply because we would otherwise have no story. We have too much in common. We think no one else would be able to under-stand us."

"“That’s because you don’t get it. We’re your mothers. We loved you first. Maybe everyone else loves you now, but we loved you first.”

“Doesn’t feeling like that make you a good mother?”

“It just makes me a mother.”

The psychologist chuckled.

“Well, you’re right about that, of course. I’m almost sixty and my mom still worries that I’m not eating properly.”

Kira raised her chin but lowered her voice.

“We’re your mothers. You can’t stop us.”"

"Most people don’t know when their childhood ends, but this girl will always know exactly.

Maya remembers the hospital, after the rape, when her own mom wanted to murder the whole town and her dad whispered: “What can I do?” and all Maya could manage to say was: “Love me.” It’s a terrible moment for all kids when we realize that our parents can’t protect us. That we won’t be able to protect our own. That the whole world can come and take us whenever it likes."

"So instead she calls the only person she’s got, the only person she’s always had, because that’s the question a crisis asks us: Who’s your person? She calls Ana."

"“You get success by having extremely high integrity but absolutely zero prestige. Because integrity is about who you are, whereas prestige is only about what other people think of you.” The man often thinks that this might be true in sports, but when you’re talking about the survival of a town the opposite is true: prestige is everything."

"Everything that happens in childhood is a postcard that parents send to themselves. Things are never quite the way we remember them."

"Maya chewed the rest of her chocolate ball slowly for a long time before she dared ask: “Do you miss Isak every day?” Peter kissed her hair. “Yes, all the time,” he admitted. “I want to miss him too, but I don’t really even remember him,” Maya replied unhappily. “I think you can miss him just as much anyway,” her dad assured her. “How does it feel?” she asked. “Like having blisters in your heart,” he said."

"Our children never warn us that they’re thinking of growing up, one day they’re just too big to want to hold our hand, it’s just as well we never know when the last time is going to be or we’d never let go. They drive you mad when they’re little, yelling every time you leave the room, because you don’t realize at the time that whenever someone yells “Daddy!” that means you’re important. It’s hard to get used to not being important."

"“Home.” There really ought to be more words for that. One to cover the people we have there, another with room for those we have lost."

"One of the first things she learned was that up to forty percent of all young bears die during their first year of life, and that the most common cause of death was being killed by an adult male bear that wasn’t their father. That was when Fatima realized that one day she would have to be a bear as well, when someone threatened her offspring. So she fought for his right to be a carefree bear, naive and untroubled, like all the others. For him to be able to play and have fun. Because, to be honest, not even she believed that Amat would become as good as he did, that he would make it “all the way,” she just loved the fact that he didn’t have to think on the ice. He had no pain there, he was free, that was enough."

"People can bury so many of their loved ones during a lifetime and still get up the morning after, but something inside gets a bit heavier each time. She’s had more than a few mornings when she’s woken up and wondered if she can be bothered to get up once more."

"The end of life is as unstoppable as its beginning, we can’t stop the first and last breaths we take any more than we can stop the wind."

"The most unbearable thing about death is that the world just goes on. Time doesn’t care. "

"He takes a cigarette from the packet on the bedside table and smokes with her one last time. He suddenly starts laughing, because she looks so angry, even when she’s dead. If she’s in any sort of Heaven now, Vidar is also there, and his little brother will be getting one hell of a telling-off for daring to die before her, he thinks. Then he gently closes the old woman’s eyes and pats her on the cheek, and whispers:

“Say hi to the little shit. And Holger.”"

"People talk about “coming out” as if it’s something you only do once, but obviously you never run out of new people, so you keep having to come out and come out until you snap."

"When they were little they did everything together, Benji never left Kevin’s side. When some boys find their first best friend it’s the first real love of their lives, they just don’t know what falling in love is yet, so that’s how they learn what love is: it feels like climbing trees, it feels like jumping in puddles, it feels like having one single person in your life who you don’t even want to play hide-and-seek with because you can’t bear being without him for a single minute. For most boys this infatuation obviously fades as the years pass, but for some it never does. Benji traveled right across the world but never found a single place where he could stop hating himself for still loving Kevin."

"Benji was Kevin’s best friend, and Kevin was the love of Benji’s life."

"We all have a hundred fake personalities depending upon who we’re with. We pretend and dissemble and stifle ourselves just to fit in. The very last words Benji said to Kevin the last time they saw each other were: “I hope you find him: the Kevin you’re looking for.” He doesn’t know if Kevin ever did. Benji has been looking for a Kevin he can put up with, but hasn’t succeeded yet."

"A common misconception about dangerous people is that they lack emotions. That they aren’t sentimental. That’s almost never true, often the most sentimental and sensitive people are the most dangerous, because they’re not only capable of abuse, but can also justify it. Sensitive people never feel that they’re doing the wrong thing because their feelings always convince them that they’re on the right side."

"Over the past few years he’s heard so much about what a “talent” he is, but the people who use that word know nothing about hockey. They say “talent” as if it comes for free. As if Amat hadn’t been the first person at the ice rink every morning and last to leave ever since he started junior high school, as if he hadn’t trained harder than everyone else year after year, covering thousands of miles on his skates, running until he threw up, dribbling empty cans at home in the apartment until his hands were blistered and the neighbors furious. As if hockey hadn’t cost him precisely what it costs everyone who wants to be any good: everything.

The one thing he has learned about talent is that the only sort of talent that’s worth anything is to submit totally to training. To tough it out."

"Hannah can’t go home until the road is cleared, but Johnny can’t go home because he’s the one clearing the road. That pretty much sums up their relationship, both to each other and to their community. Hannah once heard a marriage guidance counselor on television say that “the important thing in a marriage is to have shared goals and to keep facing the same direction,” but she often thinks that the problem with that is that if you’re both facing the same direction, you never see each other."

"He drank away the whole of her childhood, yet she still wanted to do the same job as him. Never underestimate a dad who’s trying to be forgiven, he’s capable of anything."

"Where you are born and who you become is a cruel lottery. He wonders exactly what it was that divided him and his sister from happiness, and if it is even possible to measure all the “if only”s and “if that hadn’t”s, because when it comes down to it, that’s really all life is."

"Parents who lose a child never trust the universe again."

"Tales of boys and their fathers are the same in every age, in every place. We love each other, hate each other, miss each other, hold each other back, but we can never live unaffected by each other. We try to be men and never really know how. The tales about us who live here are the same sort of tales that are told about everyone, everywhere, we think we’re in charge of the way they unfold but of course that happens unbearably seldom. They just carry us wherever they want to go. Some of them will have happy endings, and some of them will end exactly the way we were always afraid they would."

"One simple, painful truth for all teenagers is that their lives are rarely defined by what they do, what really matters is what they almost do."

"They roar with laughter. Roar and roar. Two minutes, and everything is normal. The same jibes, the same laughter, the same tattoos on their arms: guitars and rifles. The musician and the hunter. Never have two girls with so little in common been so inseparable. They talk at the same time, sisterhood’s capacity for simultaneity, neither of them ever has to shut up to hear what the other is saying."

"“I love you, you stupid donkey! You’re the only person I know who apologizes for being here while you’re here! Seriously? You can hardly be more here than HERE, can you?”

Maya holds her best friend so tightly that her lungs hurt.

“I miss you so damn much.”

“You’re actually HOLDING me, you donkey!”

“Shut up!”

How do other people bear it, Maya wonders, how do they live without an Ana? How the hell do people cope?"

"“Peter used to get beaten at home if he so much as spilled his milk. Benji didn’t dare tell anyone he was gay. Amat is the cleaner’s son in the rich kids’ sport. All the best players have a darkness inside them, that’s why they end up the best, they think the darkness will disappear if they can just win enough times…”"

"He’s fourteen now, and his sister always told him that this age was the worst, that people were at their worst then, she said he just had to survive these years. But of course she was the one who didn’t do that. She said he could be anything he wanted to be, but he can’t now. Because he wants to be happy."

"He stops like a rat trapped in a corner, turns around, ready for anything. The men in black jackets have left the gate and are walking straight toward him. He has been loved by them but he’s also been hated, the way only someone who has been loved can be, when they found out about all his secrets. Once he symbolized everything they wanted Beartown to be: everyone feared him and he feared no one. He was just a boy then, but he was their man on the ice. Their warrior. Theirs. The roar that can rise up from a stand full of men in black jackets when you’re full of adrenaline and throwing yourself at the Plexiglas is something Benji has never felt anywhere else, because it doesn’t exist anywhere else. How many times has he wished that he could have stayed there? That the truth had never come out? Warriors are supposed to love other men, not fall in love with them."

"But there’s incalculable loss in his eyes, in all the men’s eyes. The skin of their faces is swollen with alcohol, drowned inside to stop them drowning in tears outside. They belonged to Ramona, she belonged to them, most of them were closer to the old bag than their own parents. So even humor isn’t a defense now, it’s an act of defiance, you’re not getting us, bastard grief."

"“Marriage.”

There ought to be a different word for it once you’ve been married for enough years. When you’ve long since passed the point where it stopped feeling like a choice. I no longer choose you every morning, that was a beautiful thing we said on our wedding day, I just can’t imagine life without you now. We aren’t freshly blooming flowers, we’re two trees with intertwined roots, you’ve grown old within me.

When you’re young you believe that love is infatuation, but infatuation is simple, any child can become infatuated, fall in love. But real love? Love is a job for an adult. Love demands a whole person, all the best of you, all the worst. It has nothing to do with romance, because the hard part of a marriage isn’t that I have to live seeing all your faults, but that you have to live with me seeing them. That I know everything about you now. Most people aren’t brave enough to live without secrets. Everyone dreams about being invisible sometimes, no one dreams of being transparent."

"Marriage? There ought to be a different word for it after a while. Because there’s no such thing as “eternal infatuation,” only love lasts that long, and it’s never simple. It requires a whole person, everything you have. The whole lot."

"Her fingers find him and she buttons his jacket to pretend that they’re not just looking for intimacy. He stops, almost dizzy, and they look past each other because if they look each other in the eye right now they would probably both crumble. It’s been so long since they touched each other that her fingertips are enough, they’re like electric shocks to him, she dares not rest the palms of her hands on his chest. Dear Lord, how close you have to be to giving up each other to remember to fight for each other."

"There really ought to be a different word for “marriage,” but perhaps also a different word for “divorce.” One for when you’re only almost there. When you want to whisper that I don’t know what I want, I just don’t want it to be like this. A word for simply saying that I can’t bear it. I can’t bear it if all we’re going to do with each other is just bear it."

"“I love you too.”

It’s been so long since they said that, but now it’s very recent. Above all the other words for love, there ought to be one for this: one that says how many times we’ve come close to losing each other but turn back and start again. One for the very smallest things, the inches, when we brush past each other in the kitchen instead of only almost doing it. Something that says I can’t bear it. I can’t bear it if you can’t bear me. I can’t bear it without you."

"The two young women trample over the memories and two invisible little girls pad after them. Because they’re always walking behind us: the children we were before the worst that has happened happened."

"She once said she hated the world because it forced children like him to become hard simply to survive, but then she saw that he got scared and ruffled his hair and said it was probably good to be soft, because then you didn’t break when you fell. Like flower petals. Perhaps that’s what happened to her, she grew hard, the way a rose that freezes to ice can be shattered with a hammer."

"Then she detects the smell of cigarette smoke that’s just settled on a jacket nearby, then something warm in her hand. Maya’s fingers, closing around hers.

“I’ve missed you, Mom.”

Dear God. Kira almost walks back to the car and sits there instead. Our children have no idea what they do to us."

"He pulls himself together and folds the sheet of paper up and presses it into his pocket, because he’s shaking so much that he realizes it’s becoming a joke. He doesn’t know if it’s the audience in the church or the one in Heaven that’s worse, but he just does what he used to do in the locker room: bites his lip so hard that the pain and the taste of blood force his mind to focus:

“A few moments, I said to her, that’s all this sport gives us. And then Ramona poured a large shot of whiskey and laughed at me and said: ‘So what the hell is life, then, Peter? More than moments?’ ”

Teemu is sitting in the front row, his face motionless but with his fists quivering on his knees. Benji is standing alone right at the back of the church, as close to the door as possible, his tears dripping softly onto the stone floor. Peter tries to steady his voice. Three boys without dads.  If you want to know who Ramona was and what she really meant to this part of the world, you only have to look at the desolation in their faces."

"Things always happen quickly when everything goes to hell."

"Bobo pulls a large wicker picnic basket out of the back of the ramshackle campervan, then can’t get the door to close. This doesn’t appear to bother him. Tess comes out of the house as if she’s having to force her feet not to leave the ground and fly off with her. They do try their hardest, their very hardest, not to wrap themselves around each other’s necks in front of his friends and her brothers. She invites him into the kitchen and he immediately starts asking thousands of questions, about her and the house and the family. She isn’t used to that, she’s used to boys only wanting one thing, so in the end she asks what he’s got in the basket. He shows her. Pasta and meat and vegetables and stock and cream. She laughs and thinks that she was right after all, boys really do only want one thing.

They want to make dinner."

"Tobias thinks for a long, long time before he looks down and answers:

“She can probably see that he’s friendly.”

“Is that good?” Benji asks honestly.

Breathing through his nose, Tobias pokes around his shoelaces with the stick.

“She doesn’t want a remarkable life, just a… normal one. Our dad’s a fireman, our mom’s a midwife, we’ve spent our whole childhoods getting told we’re being raised by heroes. The sort of people who run toward fire. But Bobo isn’t a hero, and my sister can probably see that. He wouldn’t run toward fire, he’d run toward her.”"

"Ted fires a puck. Leans on his stick.

“My dad says pressure is a privilege. If you don’t feel pressure, that’s just because you’ve never done anything valuable enough for people to have expectations of you.”"

"Mothers and daughters know how to wound each other in totally unique ways, possibly because daughters often carry the guilt of their mothers’ consciences, until they end up arguing about sins that they haven’t even committed."

"There’s no life like youth, no love like first love, no friends like teammates."

"“It’s nothing personal, Bobo. I’m sure you’re a good guy. But I don’t want you to hold her back. If I’m honest, I think her mom is hoping deep down that she’s going to stay and have an ordinary life, because Hannah can’t live without Tess, but… damn it, Bobo. She can be anything she wants. She could be something big, our daughter. Do you understand? She isn’t like…”

Bobo nods with his back bent. He blinks too hard too many times for it not to show how badly he’s falling apart.

“Don’t you think I know Tess is too good for me? That she’s special and I’m just ordinary? I’m not so smart, but I’m not THAT un-smart! I don’t know anything except cars and a bit about hockey, I know I can’t GIVE her anything, but I will never… never… try to hold her back, I… I’ll never act badly toward her. And maybe I can’t study at university like her, but I’m pretty good at fixing things and I’m fairly strong and my friends like me and Tess likes me. I try to be a good man and I think I could be a pretty good dad one day. And I WON’T hold her back. If she wants to move away from here, then I’ll go with her. I can live anywhere if I can live with her. There are bad cars to fix everywhere. And if you want to try to get her to stop liking me, go ahead, but I’m not going to give up… I can’t…”"

"This is how a community’s corruption is measured. It isn’t cheating if you don’t get caught, and it isn’t a scandal if it never gets revealed. Until then, there are just secrets. All forests are full of them."

"Bobo stumbles euphorically down the stands but Zackell doesn’t go back to the office. She stands and watches as Benji chases Amat across the ice and Amat bounces away and laughs and Bobo pulls on a pair of skates and throws himself into the fray and one of the very best things of all happens: almost-adults forgetting that they’re adults."

"Amat will remember this evening as the start of something. Bobo as the end of something. For Peter it feels like belonging to something again, for Mumble it feels like belonging to something for the very first time. For Big City it’s like getting a second chance to be a little kid and fall head-over-heels in love with hockey again. How it feels for Benji nobody knows, this is the last time they see him play."

"All children are victims of their parents’ childhoods, because all adults try to give their kids what they themselves enjoyed or lacked. In the end everything is either a revolt against the adults we encountered or an attempt to copy them. That’s why someone who hated their own childhood often has greater empathy than someone who loved theirs. Because someone who had a hard time dreamed of other realities, but someone who had it easy can hardly imagine that things could be any different. We take happiness so easily for granted if we’ve had it from the start."

"The very finest thing you can give a child is somewhere to belong. The biggest thing you can have is being part of something."

"Churchyards are meant to be final destinations, but for many of us all the gravestones are question marks. Why? Why you? Why so early? Where are you now? Who could you have been if everything had been different? Or if just something very small had been? If you had had different parents, a different name, if you had lived somewhere else?"

"That damn animal. Unmanageable and impossible, wild and crazy, never gives him a moment’s peace, and there’s nothing Sune is more grateful for than that. He was never really prepared for the love he would feel for his dog. That’s what he says, my dog, even though the entire basis for what he feels when it looks at him is the exact opposite: that he belongs to it. That he is its human. It trusts him so much that it sometimes becomes too much for him, because he doesn’t know if he can handle the responsibility. He doesn’t know if he can cope with being so needed. So loved. No matter how many mornings he gets woken by those eager paws on the edge of the bed, that rough tongue on his face, he is still taken aback by its acceptance of him. Dogs are like hockey, a fresh chance every morning, everything is constantly beginning again."

"“Then I would lie here and look up at the roof and think, ‘Now I’m alone in the world.’ I sort of memorized the silence. Because I’ve never been scared when I’m alone, only among other people.”

“Me too.”

Benji hates the fact that the child knows exactly how that feels. She’s too young for that. But he tells it like it is:

“No one can hurt you when you’re alone.”

Her fingers clutch his a little tighter now, the bear beneath them, eternity above them. "

"Matteo doesn’t feel powerful, he just wants to stop feeling powerless, just for a single moment. He thinks about the green jacket Mumble was wearing in the churchyard, Sune has one just like it, he’d like to take something from them so that they know how it feels. Because he’s sure they’d mourn the dog more than they ever mourned Ruth. In the town of bears, girls are worth less than animals."

"They’re sad that Sune is sad, of course, but they don’t really understand his loss. Because of course it was only a dog. It’s so hard to explain that it’s more than an animal when you’re that animal’s human. Perhaps it takes more empathy than most people are capable of. Or more imagination."

"But if anyone can understand the unbridled, unreasonable love you can feel for an animal, it’s probably men who have been told all their lives that they love something more than they should: “But it’s only hockey.”

The Pack feels precisely everything, precisely all the time. They know that the extent of grief isn’t measured by what you’ve lost but by who you are. They have imagination. So much imagination, in fact, that the very thought of losing something they can’t live without makes them lethal."

"“I wouldn’t be where I am without you.”

“Stop that, you have a God-given talent, you had—” Peter protests, but Amat interrupts him quietly but firmly:

“Talent isn’t enough. Or at least it wouldn’t have been enough for me. You need someone who believes in you too. Not just me… you’ve done the same for Benji and Bobo, and now you’re doing it for Aleksandr as well… we aren’t your kids, but you’ve always made us feel like we are. You’ve always believed in us more than we did ourselves.”"

"Mothers have no armor to get them through life because they give every last bit to their children, by the end of their teenage years there isn’t even any skin left, so every feeling of loss cuts right into her flesh now."

"“What are you even doing HERE, you crazy kid?” he yelled.

“I wanted to watch the game but Sune didn’t want to, so I came ON MY OWN!” Alicia snapped back, trying to sound angry even though she was actually terrified.

Benji reached down and lifted her out of the chaos, and is now carrying her as if she was his little girl. She has her arms wrapped around him like she’s always been his, clinging on like seaweed to a body that’s just stepped out of the sea."

"Like all parents, he just dreams of his children having things a bit better than him, a bit easier, but there’s no way to protect them against the world. We can’t even protect them from themselves. So he closes his eyes and thinks that if Hannah is right, if the boy in this bed really is going to turn out like his dad, then there’s only one thing for Johnny to do.

To become better."

"Benji thinks of something Ramona once said: “Men are scared of telescopes, you can’t look at the stars without shitting your pants because you can’t think about how big the universe is without seeing how small you are in comparison. Nothing scares a man more than the thought that everything he does might lack all meaning.”"

"“Just stick around this time, promise?” Bobo repeats.

Benji shakes his head.

“No, no, I’m not going to do that. But I’ll try not to forget to come back home.”

“I fucking love you,” Bobo whispers, and the best thing about him is that he makes no attempt at all to laugh it off with a “but not like that.” He’s more than capable of just loving someone, the gentle giant.

Benji smiles.

“I love you too. But not like that, so don’t go getting any ideas.”"

"Because one of the very worst things we will ever do in this forest is to try to tell our daughters that girls like Ruth are the exception. That isn’t true, of course. It’s Maya who is the exception. That’s why those who do that, those who get the slightest bit of retribution or an ounce of justice, call themselves “survivors.” Because they know the truth about all the girls like Ruth."

"Ruth left the country exactly two and a half years ago, just after what happened with Maya and Kevin became public knowledge. Maya had gone to the police and the whole town had turned against her. Everything was going to change in time, but no one knew that then. Ruth didn’t stay to find out what happened. She had been through all that herself a few months earlier, she knew what this forest did to girls like her and Maya.

Shoot. Dig. Silence."

"You never get the same kind of friends again like you have when you’re a teenager. Not even if you keep them your whole life. It will never be the same as it was then."

"For her the rape went on forever but for him it never even started. For the rest of his life he could never understand that he was a rapist. He thought he was a hero."

"In her diary Ruth wrote:

When girls start primary school and the boys hit us and pull our hair during breaks and we go to an adult and ask for help, the adults say: The boys are only doing that because they like you!! That’s how you teach boys that they have rights over us. Then we get bigger and then they rape us but we’re just stupid little whores because we don’t take it as a COMPLIMENT? They beat us and kill us but it’s only because they like us. Why don’t we understand that?

On the next page it says:

didn’t even fuck that other guy in Hed but he told everyone I did and that meant I was already a whore. And whores can’t get raped."

"On one of the last pages she wrote:

I’ve got no chance if even my own parents don’t believe me. Why would the police believe me then? Why would anyone? You aren’t going to believe me until Rodri kills me."

"On the very last page, in shaky handwriting, she wrote:

Parents always think they have to talk to their daughters about guys. We shouldn’t wear short skirts and shouldn’t go out alone and shouldn’t get drunk and shouldn’t let guys like us too much. But you don’t have to talk to us about guys because we already know all that, for fuck’s sake, because we’re the ones they rape!! Talk to your damn sons instead!!! Teach them to talk to one another and teach them to stop one another. Raise just one fucking boy somewhere who can become a head teacher who understands that when boys pull girls by the hair, it’s the fucking boys there’s something wrong with. Tell your sons that if they have to THINK about whether or not they’ve had sex with a girl who didn’t want it, then they HAVE!!! If you can’t understand if the girl you’re having sex with wants it or not, then you’ve never had fucking sex with a girl who wants it. Stop telling your daughters. We already know it all."

"Ruth never went back to the police. The young man at the station waited. Perhaps he hated himself afterward for not doing more. Perhaps he managed to suppress it. Everyone like him is just trying to do their job. They all say they’re just following the law. It’s just that laws aren’t written for girls like Ruth. They’re written against her."

"“Don’t worry.”

“I’m your mother, you can’t stop me!”

Maya smiles in such a way that it’s impossible to know if she’s about to make a joke or start crying.

“I’m sorry that what Kevin did to me almost broke you and Dad.”

Now it’s Kira’s turn to look like she’s about to cry.

“Darling, it didn’t do…”

Maya nods, so grown-up and so strong, so honest and vulnerable.

“Yes, Mom. It did. Your love was like organ donation. You and Dad and Leo gave me pieces of your hearts and lungs and skeletons so I could put myself back together again. And now you hardly have the strength to stand up and keep breathing yourselves. I think about that so often, and I think about all the girls who don’t have you. I feel like I only just managed to survive this. How the hell does everyone who doesn’t have you as their mom even stand a chance?”

Good luck having a daughter and not going to pieces when you hear that."

"Something about the bright, unadorned enthusiasm on his face makes Amat curious. The former general manager leads him away from the apartment blocks, toward the forest at the edge of the old quarry, and doesn’t stop until they reach a large, open space where there was once talk of building a supermarket. Then they said it might be a medical center. At one point someone even dreamed of a small business center. None of it ever came to be, of course, because this isn’t the part of Beartown where things get built. The town may be getting bigger, but nothing grows in the Hollow.

“There!” Peter says, pointing at absolutely nothing.

“I… I don’t understand…,” Amat says, seeing nothing but snow and gravel.

Peter sees something else. He sees redemption."

"Amat looks so tall, suddenly, as if he’s grown taller than Peter overnight. Peter laughs. Everything is only a dream so far. He doesn’t know if he dares actually believe he can get this done. But Beartown is a special place. What a fucking town. There are so many places and things here that have strange names whose origins everyone has forgotten.

In a few years hardly anyone will remember why the ice rink beyond the apartment blocks and gravel pit in the poorest part of town is always called “the Cathedral.” But the man who dreamed it up knows, and the boy who one day scores his first goal in the NHL knows. He’ll be interviewed on television afterward:

“Do you want to say something to everyone watching in your hometown? How do you pronounce it? You’re from Beartown, aren’t you?” the reporter on the other side of the Atlantic will ask.

Amat will look directly into the camera and say: “No. I’m from the Hollow.”"

"“What am I supposed to do? Stay here and get rich? I don’t even like expensive wine. I’m going with you. Wherever you go.”

Maya sits there and watches the two middle-aged women hug, and thinks that when she gets old, really, really, really old, she hopes she’s just as crazy as they are."

"Kira locks the office. In a few months’ time she will surrender those keys and hand the whole business over to some of the employees, and she will sell her expensive car. The new law firm’s first office will be her kitchen. One day women throughout the country will know who they are. That too is a sort of cathedral."

"The game is about to start, but it will never be played. Instead, now everything that we will never stop regretting starts. Every single person in the ice rink will go over and over these minutes for the rest of their lives, asking silently: “Could I have done anything different? Something small, something microscopic, anything at all? Could I have stopped him?”

We’re on our way into a night when we question everything we have ever done, all that we are, and the entire society that we’ve built. Because what is it? The whole lot of it? Only the sum of all our choices. Only the result of us. Can we cope with the way it turned out?"

"This hockey game will never be played, and for many of us it will feel as if we never really emerge from the ice rink. We will be stuck in the nightmare forever. We are a people who tell stories, who try to use stories to put what we have experienced into some sort of context, to explain what we have been fighting about in the hope that it will excuse what we have done. But stories reveal both the very best of us and the very worst, and can one ever outweigh the other? Are our triumphs greater than our mistakes? What are we responsible for? What are we guilty of? Can we look ourselves in the mirror tomorrow? Can we look each other in the eye?"

"Lev never had children of his own, almost his entire family died in a war the rest of the world didn’t even call a war. He has seen good people capable of great evil, but also terrible people capable of great goodness. It’s the same everywhere: almost everyone loves too much, hates too easily, forgives too little. But most people want the same as him: to live in peace, to let your heart beat a little more slowly when night comes, to earn a bit of money to support the ones you love."

"It’s like a cruel joke, as if God wants to point out that He can do what He likes with us. Unless this is the opposite: His penance.

As two cherished lives end over in the ice rink, the twins’ hearts start to beat in Hannah’s arms. Two childhoods begin. Beep-bo. Tickles and helpless giggling. Climbing trees. Puddles and boots that are too big. Ice on the lake. A million ice creams. Whisper-shouts from parents on the phone when you’re playing with a ball indoors. Swings. Best friends. First love."

"Matteo is dead before his body hits the floor.

But so is Benji."

"Everyone who knew Benjamin Ovich, particularly those of us who knew him well enough to call him Benji, would have wished him a really long story. A secure life. A happy ending. We hoped, oh, how we hoped, but deep down we probably knew that he wasn’t the sort who would get that. Because he was always the sort of person who stood in the way, the sort who protected, the sort who ran. He always thought he was the bad guy in all stories, the real heroes always do, that’s why stories about boys like him never end with them growing old. Stories about boys like him only end with us no longer dreaming of time machines, because if one was ever invented in the distant future, it would already have been used to travel back here by someone who loved him.

There are so many of us.”

"We can’t fight against evil. That’s the most unbearable thing about the world we have built. Evil can’t be eradicated, can’t be locked up, the more violence we use against it, the stronger it becomes when it seeps out under doors and through keyholes. It can never disappear because it grows inside us, sometimes even in the best of us, sometimes even in fourteen-year-olds. We have no weapons against it. We have only been given love as a gift in order to cope with it."

"Maya wishes she could stop shaking, she wishes she could hold the girl tighter, that she could hug away all the shock and despair and all the terrible darkness that will never leave either of them now. But she doesn’t know how, she isn’t big enough, isn’t strong enough. She can’t breathe, she’s gasping for air, trying to think away the blood and death on the floor in there and she needs to be strong for the child’s sake. But how do you do that? Where do you find the strength? She doesn’t have it. She’s certain she’s going to collapse on the ground in the snow when she feels two arms around her own shoulders. It’s her mother. Kira didn’t run toward the fire, she ran after the children. Behind her comes Tess and soon other women will come, from all directions, in red and green jackets, some even in black. They wrap their arms around each other, in circles, ring after ring, forming a wall around Alicia.

Nothing that happens to the girl in the rest of her life will ever be worse than this. But in the very worst moment, in the midst of the greatest terror, mothers and big sisters from the whole forest ran here to protect her.

No one can fight against evil. But if it wants to take Alicia, it’s going to have to go through every last one of them first."

"We have gotten used to so many types of violence, but we could never foresee this one. This one we will never understand. This one we will never get over. Adri picks up her brother and he feels so small in her arms. She carries him out of the ice rink and the whole town stops breathing. A hole in every heart.

How will the sun rise tomorrow? How can daylight still exist? What is the point?"

"Good people can be capable of great evil, and evil people can be capable of great good."

"Maya will remember how incomprehensible it was that the sun even rose on the day after Benji’s death. That she was still alive. That she kept going. But she understands her parents, for the first time, really understands them. How they learned to cry inwardly when Isak died. Silently, silently they cried for years so that Maya and Leo wouldn’t hear. How the very air must have hurt their skin. How they must have wanted to lie down with their cheeks to the ground and whisper into the grass to the child beneath it. How they must have hated themselves for not being able to die with him.

How many of all the things they have done since then have been their attempts to achieve something important, something grand, something worth getting to Heaven late for? Almost everything.

It’s unbearable that the sun rises again, that Maya is here and not Benji, for the rest of her life she will stop almost daily and think: “Would he be proud of me? Have I lived a worthy life? Been a good enough person?” Because of course that’s all she is, all everyone she grew up with in Beartown is: hopelessly simple but horribly complicated. Ordinary, unusual people. Unusually ordinary people. We try to just live our lives, live with each other, live with ourselves. Accepting joy when we find it, bearing grief when it finds us, and being amazed at our children’s happiness without falling apart when we think that we can never really protect them."

"She will say that we’re just trying to live, damn it. Live in spite of each other. Live for each other.

Live on."

"Soon millions of people will know Maya’s name, but every night she will only be singing for Benji. Not all her songs will be about him, but they will all be his, somehow, even the ones that are Ana’s. One evening, several years from now, Maya will be so famous that she’ll be performing in one of the biggest arenas in the whole country. It will be sold out. The first time she steps out into it she will realize what it is used for when concerts aren’t being held there. It’s an ice rink. It’s the biggest moment in her career, and she cries her way through every song."

"When Benji is buried, it isn’t in a church with open doors but under the bare sky. Two entire towns turn up. The notification in the newspaper is superfluous, everyone knows the time and the place already, even the factory closes, but beneath Benji’s name is printed what everyone is feeling:

This hurts too much to touch with words."

"Their brother is laid to rest beside their father, not far from Ramona and Vidar. Around here we usually say that we bury our children under our most beautiful trees, but not even the best among us can find a tree beautiful enough to watch over Benjamin Ovich. So we grow new ones, all around the stone bearing his name, we let Alicia and other children plant them in the soil so that they grow up around him. Until he is no longer sleeping in a churchyard, but where he was always safest and happiest. In a forest."

"Are you scared? Someone who loves you wanted to know.

I said: Oh no—he’s in a different form though

Because the grave’s only a place for memory

The earth around his coffin isn’t where he’ll be.

Where you are now I cannot say

You’re not here, you’ve gone away.

There’s a folding chair by the water and there

I think you sit and laugh and feel a love so rare.

There’s ice around your island, you’ve got your skates,

There goes a boy whose beauty never fades.

You’re playing a game, don’t even feel cold,

There plays a boy who’ll never grow old.

You’re everything you wanted to be

You’re safe and happy, wild and free.

I don’t know where you are now my friend

But in a hundred years we’ll meet again."

"It’s that sort of town, where everything can change and the people can be transformed. Where we find the strength to play even though our lungs are screaming. Possibly because we’re used to withstanding the darkness, both inside and outside. Possibly because we live close to wilderness. But perhaps most of all because, just like everyone else in every other place: If we don’t have tomorrow, what’s the alternative?"

"There are many types of leadership, the sort Big City, Amat, and Bobo demonstrate this year isn’t the sort that goes forward, but rather goes backward. Back to everything we are. Sometimes the greatest leadership is knowing the way home."

"Elisabeth Zackell becomes a famous coach. She wins hundreds of games. She wins leagues, titles, and trophies. The only thing she never really wins back is that first, uncomplicated joy. Hockey never really becomes a game for her again. But one day in many years’ time she will coach a national team, the one Alicia plays on, and then Zackell will make an exception to her strictest rule.

She lets someone play with the number 16 again. For one single game.

Alicia gets up from the bench in the locker room and leads her team out and storms the ice, and Zackell watches her and for a single moment forgets that it isn’t him."

"“I’m proud of you,” she whispers to her brother.

“I’m proud of you too,” he whispers back.

Leo will do great things in life, he will go far and give her every reason to really be proud of him. She’s just being proud in advance. That’s the job of big sisters."

"What is life, other than moments? What is laughter, other than a small victory over sorrow? A single moment, just one, when everything inside us isn’t broken."

"Maya sings for thousands of people in hundreds of arenas over the years when she’s grown up, but mostly she sings for herself and the best friends she had as a child. One day Ana takes her up in the helicopter, rising straight up into the sky. They take the girls with them, the girls they used to be, two laughing kids they wish they could go back in time and protect. They pick them up off the ground in the forest and hide them inside their jackets and the rotor blades spin and they fly far above the earth. High and free."

"She doesn’t forgive, doesn’t forget, but she doesn’t use violence just because she can. She doesn’t destroy Kevin’s life even though he deserves it. She spares him.

But Kevin’s wife will ask him who that woman was. Kevin takes a series of terror-filled breaths, but eventually he is too weighed down to carry the lies, so he whispers the truth. Everything. The whole of the reality he has constructed since that night in Beartown collapses around him inside that car. He loses everything.

Can he be forgiven? Can he be spared? Allowed to have a life?"

"Spring comes, and summer. It’s almost unbearable. But then autumn arrives, as brief as the blink of an eye, before winter finally hits us again. Life doesn’t go on, it starts again, everything is possible once more. Anything can happen, all the best and all the most beautiful and all the biggest adventures in the world."

"Early, early in the morning the caretaker opens the door to the ice rink and turns the lights on. Alicia looks so lonely and small as she skates out onto the ice, but she isn’t, she’s bigger than everyone and never alone again. She lies down in the center circle and looks up at the roof. When she closes her eyes and reaches out her fingers she hurts in so many places inside, but there and then she doesn’t feel anything, because Benji is lying beside her and soon a new hockey season will begin and everything can still be okay. Throughout the whole of her long career, in every ice rink and in every national game, she will do the same thing every time she gets scared or nervous: look up at the roof, reach out her hand, feel that he is there. Because Benjamin Ovich isn’t in a grave. Benjamin Ovich is at the game with his best friend."

"It’s easy to love hockey then, because hockey isn’t the past, it isn’t yesterday, it’s always next. The next change of line, the next game, the next season, the next generation, the next magical moment when something we didn’t think was possible becomes a miracle. The next chance to fly up from your seat and yell with joy. Next."

"Her hundred years will be our very best, most loved, most told story. And that says a hell of a lot, because we’re a hockey town. We have nothing but stories here. But all our stories have really only been about one thing: ever since the very first, about a boy who made it all the way from here to the NHL and came back with his family, about his daughter who found the best friend in the world, about a terrible crime and love that was like organ donation. About tears and struggle, about hugs and laughter, about a stage and a guitar and thousands of people in the audience. About a boy who was born in a place that had never seen ice but who one day could move faster on skates than anyone else, about other children who became the best in other ways, about the boy who became a coach and the ones who became parents and the girl who flies a helicopter to save the whole world. About a young man who could never see himself as a hero but who died like one, who ran toward fire to save a child. About families and friends. About climbing trees and adventures. About a vast forest and two small towns and all the people here who are just trying to live their lives. Sit in a boat. Tell lies. Catch zero fish."

At the end of this book... Was Backman hinting that there will be another trilogy about Alicia? God, how I hope it's true. Give me more Beartown stories please, and how Amat gets into the NHL and how he's doing in NHL, how Maya gets into her stardom, how Ana goes after her aspiration of being an ambulance helicopter pilot, how Bobo becomes a dad, and about everyone else too.

It took me almost a full month's time to make this review, and I think it's because I was trying so hard to properly say goodbye to this book series. It's ridiculous how much love I have for this book series, but as Backman wrote in the book:

"But if anyone can understand the unbridled, unreasonable love you can feel for an animal, it’s probably men who have been told all their lives that they love something more than they should: “But it’s only hockey.”

The Pack feels precisely everything, precisely all the time. They know that the extent of grief isn’t measured by what you’ve lost but by who you are. They have imagination. So much imagination, in fact, that the very thought of losing something they can’t live without makes them lethal."

And it's exactly how I feel about saying goodbye to this trilogy.

But here we are now, this trilogy is finally completed and, like it or not, I have to say goodbye to Beartown. It's bittersweet, because I love this trilogy so much, but now the wait is finally over and there's no more nights staying up late wondering about what's gonna happen to my favorite characters. I just have to let those wonderful characters go and rest now.

I'm reminded of these quotes from the brilliant TV Show, The Good Place, about letting go and moving on, and it helped me tremendously:

Eleanor Shellstrop: "Working out the terms of moral justification is an unending task." That's what I was thinking about. That sentence.

...

Eleanor Shellstrop: The whole book is about how we should try to find rules other people can't reasonably reject, and then he ends it by saying, "The search for how to find these rules will go on forever." I proposed a rule that Chidis shouldn't be allowed to leave because it would make Eleanors sad. And I could do this forever, zip you around the universe showing you cool stuff... and I'd still never find the justification for getting you to stay. Because it's a selfish rule. I owe it to you to let you go.

Chidi Anagonye: Picture a wave in the ocean. You can see it, measure it - its height, the way the sunlight refracts as it passes through - and it's there, you can see it, and you know what it is, it's a wave. And then it crashes on the shore and it's gone. But the water is still there. The wave was just... a different way for the water to be for a little while. That's one conception of death for a Buddhist: the wave returns to the ocean, where it came from and where it's meant to be.

Janet: What do you think happens when people walk through the door? It's the only thing in the universe I don't know.

Eleanor Shellstrop: I don't know either. The wave returns to the ocean. What the ocean does with the water after that is anyone's guess. But as a very wise not-robot once told me, the true joy's in the mystery.

This trilogy truly has given me so many wonderful gifts apart from the story and the characters themselves, it made me learn Swedish, and it introduced me to Ice Hockey, which I am now obsessed with. It's very hard for me to say goodbye to this trilogy and all of my favorite characters in this trilogy, but I know I'll always be reminded of them whenever I study Swedish and watch Hockey, I'll always be looking for Benji, Amat, Maya, Ana and Bobo in my studies and every hockey games I watch.

I do hope that there will be a TV show adaptation of the full trilogy, one that is more faithful to the books, because I think they are perfect just the way they are.

Thank you so much for such an amazing ride with this trilogy, Backman.

PLOT - ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

WRITING STYLE - ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

ENTERTAINMENT LEVEL PAIN LEVEL- 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔

BOOK COVER DESIGN - ⭐⭐⭐⭐

OVERALL BOOK RATING - ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

[thexflyingxpotato]

Wednesday, November 16

(11:14pm)

2022

It’s been 3 weeks since we moved out of my parents house. We as in my son and I. Things I’ve noticed:

I definitely am still tired being the main and sole caregiver for my son on most days… but I’m not feeling drained at all (like I always was at my moms.)

Living at my moms… I was always stressed out and constantly annoyed with my son. But living with my husband, and being alone with my son all day for half the week.. surprisingly I don’t find him annoying at all. I have so much more patience for him and am able to spend more time playing and just being with him. — I don’t know if its because I no longer have to constantly spend my time packing, cleaning, and unpacking and spending most of my mental energy planning everything out? Or if its because I don’t have my mom around to mentally and emotionally abuse me on the constant. But it definitely has everything to do with the fact she’s not around to keep my fight or flight response on 24/7

Living with my husband’s family… triggers everything in me that my mom did to cross my boundaries. I’m still scared when I hear my door open when my husband’s not home. I still get angry af when his family uses and shows no regard to my belongings. I’m currently still struggling with feelings that I don’t belong, or that I don’t have a place in this house (proven to me by the fact my things keep getting moved around or moved into smaller and smaller spaces… like I’m not allowed to take up space.)

This transition has definitely been difficult as this time around, we have to share our space with his family. We don’t have the privacy we once had before, we don’t have a say or control over our immediate environment cuz they use half our room as a storage for their things… It’s frustrating and there has been power struggles… or attempts… at trying to take advantage of my seemingly nice and pushover nature. In being asked to “help clean up around the house”… when I don’t venture outside of my room other than to use the bathroom or to quickly use the stove or microwave to cook food. I ALWAYS clean up after myself… and I even pick up their mess in the bathroom every time I use it. — But I feel his family thought I would clean up after them cuz I’m home 24/7. 😂 Sorry sis! I ain’t the one! I have high functioning depression and have only enough energy for myself and my son to get fed and cleaned up. Anything more than that is me overextending myself and I’m definitely not doing that anymore. It’s not my job, it’s not my mess, and I’m not going to stress myself out to tell your siblings and kids to pick up after themselves. When you can parent your children and train them and your siblings to DO THEIR PART, maybe then you wouldn’t be so stressed and asking me to help you do it. But until then, I won’t pick up after anyone other than myself and my son.

Idk why… but it still feels surreal to me. I still lie awake at night and have this feeling of sadness and anxiety, that when I wake, I need to pack up my things and get dropped off back to my moms house. — I know when I wake, I don’t need to go anywhere. This is my home now. But it still doesn’t feel real to me. Idk when it’ll start to feel real. Maybe when I finally go back and get the rest of my things from my moms? — maybe it doesn’t feel real cuz living with my husband alone was a reality before giving birth to my son. But after having my son, we had issues and I kicked my husband out… so living alone with my son was a separate reality for me. I guess it feels surreal cuz I can’t comprehend the fact the two realities can exist at the same time.

[88088-8]

So i spoke to my prescriber and counselor this week. I asked if there was anything stronger i could take for my anxiety and she basically told me that there’s nothing she can prescribe online other than an SSRI for anxiety. But that’s okay, i can go to another doctor and kind of let them know what’s going on and the stuff and they might be able to prescribe me something to take as needed. But other than that, i let my counselor know a little insight into my mom and stuff and idk it made me feel vulnerable but good because someone actually like listened and had good feedback. But also having a counselor just kind of makes me realize that im naturally really good at that job. I feel like I’ve “counseled” friends of mine. And definitely am an unpaid counselor for Adrianna lol. But I don’t think i would want to pursue a career in that because it seems very emotionally draining. I just wouldn’t want to sit there and listen to people bitch and moan. But its cool because i know i can just kind of sound superficial with her, or i guess more or less like my problems are real and serious instead of downplaying them with her because im literally paying her to listen to my problems haha. If that makes sense. Right now its kind of hard to concentrate because my tv is so loud. That’s another thing that the counselor mentioned. To make my house not so triggering since i am able to control my environment here.

One thing i will say is that i do have a hard time just being open and honest about how im truly feeling. And its super weird when im speaking to someone who I don’t know and will never meet because there’s no like “pleasing” them. So a lot of times i will kind of bend my truth to fit with whoever im speaking to. But when there’s no real life repercussion from a persons opinion of me (mentally) im left with no path to bend my truth to. So im left rambling a lot of the time. Anxious speaking instead of just sitting and being open.

I feel like today i did get real towards the end. When i was talking about my mom and the resentment and things like that. But idk i feel like overall counseling is going to be good for me. And as long as I want to take my prescriptions I have to at least talk to these people to get the meds. Might as well put the counseling to work.