#and now I feel like all the upgrades I’ve had on my mental health in the last months have all gone down again

[diari0deglierrori]

Don’t know why I even had a tiny hope they’d notice at least some of the efforts I put into preparing the house for them, getting all their favorite stuff and all, but it’s not the lack of thank yous or anything it’s the fact that her first instinct instead is to find something to complain about. No wonder I’m at my worst whenever we have to live together, she brings out the worst in me

[cosmicwitchcourtney]

I created a Thanksgiving spread and just pulled cards for myself with it 🦃🍂 This reads starting at the top, moving left to right down and then down to the next row.

My energy now: 5 of Wands

Conflict, tension, scattered, inner suffering, a need to calm & focus my mind. Definitely working on this but feeling it still. Last week I had a bad flare up and it made me super depressed. Fighting with myself lately to do things that benefit my health. 

2. The blessings you have: 10 of Swords

Rock bottom. I mean I would have to agree that getting to the point I’m at is a blessing, because now I’m able to break out of it. 

3. Something to feel grateful for: The Star

Healing, hope, peace, creativity. Absolutely! And this is “my” card so it’s like saying… being happy to be uniquely ME. Also, of course that there IS hope, I’ve been here before and can overcome again. 

4. Something to pay closer attention to: 3 of Pentacles

Focus, strategy, determination, also teamwork. I definitely need to be putting more effort into focusing and building up plans for what I’m doing. Because I so easily feel like “I don’t need to do that anymore I feel better” and forget about it until I’m back where I was last week. This card is like… climbing a mountain. It seems like a huge task but I am not alone. 

5. Something to cut loose: 10 of Wands

Mental and physical burdens, difficulty, burdens, blockages, depression. 

I was just saying I really should try again with the doc/therapy. Financially it’s kinda impossible lol but maybe I can figure something out. I think really this card is saying to let go of like attracting and holding onto negativity. I tend to get stuck in fixations about bad things (thanks mom n dad). And to focus on clearing energy blockages once and for all. A lot (if not all) of my burdens and difficulties is due to upbringing, my parents, and unaddressed mental health situations such as ADHD or CPTSD (again where going to doc comes in). Let go of wallowing in my shit. 

6. How to attract more good things into your life: Daughter of Wands

Passion, visionary, free-spirit, transformation, spiritual breakthrough. Okokok I’m feeling this for sure. I need to free myself from these worries through deliberate action. Revisit my spiritual beliefs, and build upon them. Evolve. 

7. What abundance is coming to you this season? Ace of Swords

Clarity, breakthrough, truth. Love this—- right before Peach had some big upgrades in his career I constantly would pull this card for him. That makes me so excited for what’s coming!!! Also, good to know that my efforts will help my mind. 

8. A message from Spirit/the Universe: Daughter of Swords & The Bard

-Insightful, honest, observant. 

-The liminal, transition, spaciousness, grace, forgiveness, truth

Lol ok this message actually brought me to tears. Spirit is saying that I have this gift for facing the truth, even when it’s shitty. I’m vigilant and notice small details. I tend to hold onto things too tightly in a way that can make me resentful or depressed. 

This space/energy I’m moving into is one where I have the space to tap into higher wisdom and help me find the resolve I’ve been working toward/waiting for. The Veil is still thin, so I may receive messages from ancestors and my spirits. This cosmic support helps me finally forgive and release old pains. But also this sense of being in an in-between space where I’m like right on the verge of moving into my next embodiment. 

[prettytailoredsunflower]

Rudolph, Misfit Island, Gifted Child Burnout, & Mastering the Art of Perseverance

Petal 34

Isn’t it funny how being a nerd is actually an upgrade in life nowadays? It used to be so uncool to be into books or coding or anything remotely non mainstream. Now it’s mainstream to be weird and quirky and people regretfully, act odd on purpose. You can always kind of tell when it is not genuine and forced. The pandemic that we are still in oddly enough, has made us all over thinkers in some way. I think it’s strange how I have regressed. Personally, having a BFA in Theatre you are taught to just do and not think. Acting after all is an action word. Now with time to ruminate in the house (2020) or out of the house nowadays, where masks are optional but strongly encouraged in busier settings; we still let our thoughts roam.

I think that with the Holidays approaching, mental health check ins are even more necessary. There are so many negative spaces online and in the real world where everyone is anti-social especially on social media. I think that with free time comes idle minds which is the devils playgrounds. I’m not saying you shouldn’t let yourself get bored it’s just that it can grow to be unhealthy. When you check in on loved ones it’s not just about texts, FaceTimes, or phone calls it’s about showing up and not taking “No” for an answer. I’ve been told I’m the “strong friend” and that isn’t necessarily a badge of honor because the standard of excellence and perseverance can be overwhelming. It’s like mastering the art of the perseverance, maybe it’s like a mask you wear to stay sane. Just got to keep pushing, keep growing, keep building. Sometimes you need a break. You have to account for rest.

As a formerly gifted child, I had burnout, real and intense burnout. It made me feel as like if I’m not constantly doing something then what is my purpose? You also feel a little delusional pushing down any pain or disappointments to avoid discomfort and be spitefully optimistic. It’s ok to sit with your feelings, you just can’t live there. These are lessons that I have to constantly learn. The prerequisites, the main courses, and the advanced ones. It’s like Rudolph on misfit island. He had to get lost to find himself and sit with his existential crisis a little longer. Sometimes sitting with the fact that “Wow, that’s a good question” is enough. Maybe the answer won’t come to you expeditiously but that is ok too. See you in the new year. Don’t be anxious. Who knows what 2023 will bring? At least we made it.

[chronicparagon]

The only scare-themed park I went to was the one in Olney, MD, in Frederick County. One time, though, I tripped on something and fell onto the walkway, suffering only a bruised knee. That aside, did you have a lot of fun?

[ Ouch! That sounds like it smarts! I hope you are doing okay now.

I had fun! I have a lot I want to say about them. I went to a few haunted houses last weekend: Four at a castle and one near my state's capital city. The castle ones were great! They outdid last year with the scenes and actors from Pyramid Head to the nun demanding the visitors' legs (and I have a story with a dramatic chase scene about that). However, those houses didn't allow actors to touch you. They can follow you and get very close, but don't touch you.

The last haunted house I went to was another story. There were three groups: General admission, the touch upgrade (marked with blue glow stick necklaces and had to be 18+), and the blood touch (also had to prove to be 18+ and marked with red glow sticks and white t-shirts.). I got my group the blood touch upgrade where the actors not only touch you, but you will get messy. I enjoyed all these attractions a lot and would love to share them with people who wants to read about them.

That one was the most intense one I've been in a few years.  tend to go into more intense haunted attractions, but since my visit to the mose extreme on I’ve been to in 2016 I try to be sure it's not too intense like putting you in scenes that may be too much. Electrically shocking is something I try to avoid too (because in this one attraction, I was shocked and buried alive). I'm fine with touching, blood, and being dragged somewhere as part of the shows, but I have a limit and try to be sure before going into these and from reading any waivers they give me.

I will say this: If you plan to walk into a haunted house or attraction, always read the waivers, the warnings (they will provide them before you buy tickets onsite or online), pay attention to all the rules, and never be afraid to ask questions like what you may expect in the attraction. Never be afraid to ask more specific things like if there is anything like demons, etc.

Also: There is nothing wrong with walking away because you feel it is too much or you think it may be too scary or triggering. You know your boundaries and it is your right to go in or step away. The goal of haunted houses is for you to have fun, and they will respect your choice, even if you decide not to go in at the last minute.

There is nothing wrong in putting your health and mental well-being first. It doesn’t make you a coward and you should not be ashamed in being within your boundaries. ]

@silverdragon234

[stardustprompts]

be more chill soundtrack   sentence starters change tenses/pronouns as needed !!  some lines have been edited for clarity / length / ease of roleplaying tw :  language ,  nsfw ,  drugs ,  alcohol / underage drinking ,  mental health

‘if I'm not feeling weird or super strange my life would be in utter disarray 'cause freaking out is my okay.’

‘ ugh, god, I wish I had the skill to just be fine and cool and chill.’

‘I don't wanna be special, I just wanna survive.’

‘no time to wallow, no, instead, just clear your brain and move ahead.’

‘if I continue at this rate the only thing I'll ever date is my macbook pro hard drive.’

‘how was class? you look like ass. what's wrong?’

‘I saw on discovery that humanity has stopped evolving!’

‘evolution is survival of the fittest, right? but now, because of technology, you don't have to be strong to survive which means there's never been a better time in history to be a loser!’

‘I am not the one who the story's about.’

‘if this was an apocalypse I would not need any tips in how to stay alive.‘

‘I love play rehearsal and I get depressed as soon as it's done.’

‘I am passionate a lot! I have mad, gigantic feelings, red and frantic feelings about most everything!’

‘life is easy in rehearsal, you follow a script so you know what comes next.’

‘anywho, the point that I'm getting to is sometimes life can't work out in the way it works out in the play.’ 

‘most humans do one thing for all of their lives. the thought of that gives me hives.’

‘why am I telling this to you? guess there's a part of me that wants to.’

‘my brain is like "bzzz", my heart is like "wow"’

‘freshman year I didn't have a girlfriend or a clue. I was a loser just like you.’

‘my little penis was depressed, he was so lonely. poor guy.’ 

‘so ... it's like ... drugs?’

‘picture this: your weekend's just a full on slate of blowout benders, of teenage rockstar splendor.’ 

‘right now you're helpless, you are almost hopeless.’ 

‘dude, you are cooler than a vintage cassette, it's just that no one else but me thinks that yet.’

‘it's no big, 'cause you and I are a team.’

‘nobody here appreciates but soon we'll be together where they do ... 'cause guys like us are cool in college.’

‘high school is hell, but we navigate it well 'cause what we do, is we make it a two-player game.’

‘as losers, we have fought together for years, both nintendo zombies and our popular peers ... now we’re stuck on a level, and I wanna move on.’ 

‘high school is whack, but we have each other's back.’

‘you know that you are my favorite person.’

‘is it really true? i'm your favowite person?‘

‘if I assist you will be more chill.’

‘so, do you wanna ride?’

‘home in a snatch, only one catch: we gotta stop for frozen yogurt first.’

‘soon you'll see that if you listen to me, everything about you is going to be wonderful!’

‘I might be the one who the story's about, now that someone's helping me out.’ 

‘you're used to thinking about him in a certain way,  and then something changes. and he changes from a guy that you'd never be into, into a guy that you'd kinda be into.’

‘I don't always relate to other people my age.’

‘I guess a part of me likes to talk to you.’

‘yeah, that guy that I'd kinda be into is ...  (name).‘

‘your life was so pitiful before, now it's time to go all the way.’

‘don't worry about the guilt you feel, just take a breath and seal the deal.’

‘my parents won't be home so its alright. they laundered money, now they're on the run.’

‘never hung with a girl like you before. I don't know if you know it but I am sure that, for me, you are an upgrade.’ 

‘to upgrade you must be willing to make sacrifices.’

‘I don't wanna be special I just wanna be chill as life will allow.’ 

‘a halloween party's a rad excuse to put your body through mad abuse.’

‘well, I might pass out, but it's alright 'cause I'm halloween partying hard tonight!’

‘i've had sex in pretty much every room in this house.’

‘do you wanna hang for a bit? just you and me, intimately talking about all of our feelings and shit.’

‘I am hanging in the bathroom at the biggest party of the fall.’

‘I could stay right here or disappear and nobody'd even notice at all.’

‘everything felt fine when I was half of a pair.’

‘he's out there just ignoring all our history.’

‘it sucks he left me here alone, here in this teenage battlezone.’

‘my big mistake was showing up.’

‘and I can't help but yearn for a different time.’

‘it's to fucked to type this shit. it's ripe, call back, I'll yell you every word.’

‘it's just so terrible I don't want to relive it all.’ 

‘(name) set a fire and he burned down the house.’ 

‘it's just so awful, so I'll talk about it a lot.’

‘when you love somebody you put your pants on for them.’

‘if the road gets muddy focus on the goal 'till the rough stuff's gone.’

‘if the fight gets bloody just keep pushing through 'till the pain is gone.’

‘you are the person I want to be with every day.’

‘naw, man! you tell her that she excites you sexually.’

‘there are voices all around and you can never mute the sound.’ 

‘it's embarrassing-  to find out, deep down I just want things to be easy.’

[imaginary-portal]

Neighbors - Part One

Bucky x Fem Reader

Word Count: ~2k

Summary: Y/N works in the Avengers compound with her boyfriend Jonathan. Bucky Barnes lives in the room next door and finds himself falling for Y/N.

Part Two

Masterlist

Enjoy!

_________

"Y/N? Are you with us?" Y/N snapped her head up. She didn't realize she was staring off into space. The recent sleep deprivation has been costly. So costly that occasionally she sleeps with her eyes open. This meeting was important to plan the attack for the next mission. "Yeah. Sorry." She looked around the room, embarrassed. Bucky Barnes shifted in his seat. Y/N sparked his curiosity. He'd noticed her when he first entered the room, but he wasn't sure why she was there. Half of the room was filled with Avengers, the other half was experts and strategists. "Any suggestions?" Tony asked her, testing her attention span. "I'll have to think on it." Y/N said casually. "How about we take a lunch break. Clear our minds. Meet back here in 30 minutes?" Steve suggested. "Sorry, no one told me you're in charge of meetings now." Tony remarked. "Come on Tony. Look around. Everyone's tired. We'll figure it out after." Steve did have a point. Y/N wasn't the only one who looked drained.

During her lunch break, Y/N went back to her room, where she took a quick power nap. Bucky followed behind her, realizing his room was right next to hers. He wanted to know who she was, so he waited in his room until the lunch break was almost over. He left his room the same time as her. "Hey neighbor." Y/N said, looking refreshed. "Hi. I'm Bucky." Y/N shook his non-metal hand. "I know. I'm Y/N, I work in strategy." Bucky nodded, walking along Y/N's side in the hall. "Ah, that's why you were so tired. They overwork you." Y/N nodded. "Precisely. But I've never enjoyed a job as much as this one. I mean come on, I get free meals and lodging. Who'd pass that up?" The two of them laughed as they reentered the meeting room. "Y/N, welcome back. I'm ready to hear your ideas." Tony pressured her immediately.

_________

When the meeting finally ended, everyone left to grab dinner. Y/N sat with one of her colleagues, where they continued the discussion of the meeting. Her wandering glance noticed several times that Bucky was looking at her. He was sitting with the rest of the Avengers, who were talking about getting suit upgrades. Even though he couldn't hear her, he liked the way she talked with people. She seemed very enthusiastic and educated. "Oh, you like smart girl over there?" Natasha said quietly as motioned her head towards Y/N. Bucky shook his head, not realizing how long he'd been watching her. "No, I just didn't know who she was." Natasha smiled. "It's fine Bucky. You see him over there?" She pointed to a security guard in the corner of the room. He looked off into the distance to see the attractive man. Bucky looked back at Natasha, who wiggled her eyebrows. "We all have a normal person that we're interested in." Bucky looked back at Y/N and watched as a man approached her, interrupting her conversation. Y/N looked up at the man with a smile. The man bent down to give her a hug and a kiss on the cheek. Natasha hissed. "Oh, she's taken. Sorry bud." Bucky looked down at his food, no longer interested in anything beyond his plate.

_________

The next day, the team had a successful mission. It did include some hasty improvising that Tony planned to discuss with Y/N about. He was still wearing his iron suit and had scratches on his face but he wanted to be sure Y/N wrote down his critiques. Y/N walked outside, seeing the Avengers standing in a circle, Steve and Natasha sitting on the ground. A medic cleaned up their wounds as Y/N spoke with Tony. Bucky watched the conversation keenly. Y/N took notes and was very receptive to the critiques. For a moment she seemed to be more patient with Tony than Steve was. That was, until she disagreed with Tony on something. Tony claimed that a mistake was due to her strategy but she believed it had to do with his suit. "Let's test it right now. Stand up there, fly down and blast that trash can." Y/N was confident. Tony did as she said, proving her to be right. "I'll let you get away with that for now." Was all Tony said before walking inside. Y/N scribbled something down in her notebook, smiling to herself. When she looked up, she caught eyes with Bucky, maintaining her smile before walking inside.

_________

The team split up for the next mission. Each strategist was assigned an Avenger to tackle individual weaknesses. Since Y/N showed up pretty well to Tony, she got promoted to Chief Strategist. Therefore, she was given the hardest team member to work with: Bucky. Bucky was only hard to work with because he doesn't engage with people often. He likes to have a plan and the less that plan involves other people the better. What Y/N would find, however, is that Bucky is easy to work with, so she didn't exactly understand what people meant by that.

Y/N entered the meeting room with a computer and notepad. Bucky sat at the table, relieved to see Y/N as his strategist. Y/N sat across from him and logged onto her laptop. "So, what do you feel is your biggest weakness on missions?" She stood up to plug her laptop into the projector. Bucky watched her as he tried to think of his answer. "I guess it would be that I can't fly so I'm always stuck on the ground. I rarely have a height leverage." Y/N nodded, sitting back down. "What if I told you that doesn't really put you at a disadvantage?" Bucky furrowed his eyebrows, confused. "I mean, if flying was the main priority for a mission, only half of the team would be going. After looking at some of Tony's footage, it looks to me that your main weakness is your range." Y/N played a clip on the projector that showed Bucky falling because he couldn't reach behind him. "That metal arm isn't so flexible, yeah?" Bucky sat, astonished. "Yeah, you know what, you're right. I never realized that before." Y/N nodded, typing something on her computer. "So I scheduled you some training sessions this week. They're gonna teach you some new combat moves and flexibility, so it shouldn't be as much of a problem anymore." Bucky nodded, content with the plan.

"Wow. That was easy." Y/N said. "They told me you were the hardest to work with but if I was with Tony I'd be in a meeting for hours." They both laughed as Y/N shut her laptop. "So how's the compound life treating you?" Y/N switched topics. Bucky shrugged. "I mean I can't complain. I've spent a lot of time living in torture chambers." Y/N nodded, understanding the seriousness of the conversation. "I read that in your file. Are you getting any help for dealing with that stuff? You know, mental health is just as important as your physical health." Bucky shrugged again, not really answering her question. "Well there's a lot of resources here so use whatever you need. Not to sound corny, but I'm also available if you ever need someone to talk to. You know where my room is. My door is always open, unless my boyfriend is sleeping, in which case I advise you not to come to our door." Y/N laughed, realizing the ramble she went on. “Wanna grab lunch? I’m starving.” Bucky took up her offer, walking by her side in the halls. Along the way, he got a whiff of her perfume, which was a pleasant and enticing scent.

“Are you single? I can hook you up with my friend Clara. She’s the sweetest person you’ll ever meet.” Bucky shrugged, taking a bite of his sandwich. “Thank you but I’m not interested in a relationship right now.” Bucky lied. To tell the truth he was lonely. To tell another truth he was interested in Y/N. “Understandable.” Y/N said as Bucky swallowed his food. “So what’s your boyfriend like?” Y/N bit her lip as she thought of the perfect way to describe him. “Jonathan works over in aircraft. He’s very logical, focused. He has big plans here.” Bucky raised his eyebrows. “What about you? Do you have plans here?” Y/N nodded, poking around at her side salad. “I do, but they’re not as ambitious as his, you know? I’m already Chief of Strategy so I’m not sure how much further I can go.” Bucky shook his head. “Don’t limit yourself. I can tell you got potential.” Y/N smiled at his compliment. “Thanks Bucky, you’re a nice guy. What about you? Do plan to stay here, work government contracts?” Bucky nodded. “For now. But I guess wherever Steve goes I’ll go.” Y/N awed. “That’s sweet. I love a good friendship.” They both sat in an awkward silence as they thought of something to say. “What do you do for fun?” Bucky scrunched his eyebrows. “I don’t do anything.” Y/N rolled her eyes. “Come on. You gotta do something. You like music? Movies?” Bucky shrugged. “40s music is nice.” Y/N's eyes beamed. "Oh you must know Frank Sinatra, yeah?" Bucky nodded. "Yeah he's all right." Y/N took a large bite of food. "Classic." she said with a mouthful.

"Well, well, well, if it ain't two troublemakers." A man approached the table from behind Y/N. "Jonathan!" Y/N said, excited. She pulled out the chair next to her and the man took a seat, plopping his food on the table. "As you may know, this is Bucky." Y/N tried introducing the two, and Bucky corrected her by saying "James" as he shook Jonathan's hand. Y/N's eyebrow wrinkled. "You do nice work out there, kicking ass." Jonathan complimented as he began eating. Bucky nodded and looked down at his food, no longer interested in conversation. "How's aircraft today?" Y/N asked Jonathan. "Stupid, as usual." Y/N playfully rolled her eyes, but Bucky took him seriously. "What's stupid about it?" Jonathan swallowed and wiped a crumb out of the corner of his mouth with a napkin. "Everyone is so caught up in team work when sometimes things could be faster if we just worked alone." Y/N chuckled to herself. "Easy for you to say when you know everything that goes on there. Not everyone is as advanced as you." Bucky held back an eye roll, growing a distaste for the way Y/N was feeding the man's ego. Jonathan caught onto this, sensing a feeling of disapproval from Bucky. "You'll see. Things will be better once I'm promoted to supervisor." No one replied, instead eating more food.

"So how did you two meet? Is Bucky not logical enough or something?" Jonathan tried cracking a joke. "No, we just split up into groups so everyone needed help." Y/N rebutted. Jonathan shook his head. "They just say that to make the weaker ones feel better. The airborne Avengers: Iron Man, Vision, Falcon, their combat is much more calculated, less error." Y/N smacked Jonathan's shoulder. Bucky expressed an eye roll this time. He didn't know why he was still sitting with this obnoxious couple. "Be nice. And that's not true. Remember when I told you I proved Tony wrong about his suit versus my strategy?" Jonathan shook his head, a confused look on his face. "Well anyways, that's how I got promoted. I'm at a higher rank than you now." She stuck her tongue out a Jonathan, who gave her a kiss on the lips, smirking at Bucky as he pulled away. Y/N regained composure, wiping a hand over her mouth. "I'm sorry Bucky. I promise he's nice when he opens up to you." She looked at her watch. "Shit. I have a meeting in five minutes. I'll see you guys later." Y/N quickly grabbed her bag, gave Jonathan a kiss on the cheek, and promptly left. The two men sat in an awkward silence. Jonathan swallowed the last bite of his food, glaring at Bucky.

"You don't go taking my girl, got it?" Asshole. Bucky nodded affirmatively, picking up his trash and leaving the table. ——————

Copyright © 2021 imaginary-portal. All rights reserved

[recentanimenews]

INTERVIEW: Projekt Melody On How To Get Happy (And Transcend Your Body Through Cyborg Technology)

  [Editor's note: this interview contains profanity and light discussion of both mental health issues and NSFW topics]

  This interview is part of our series "So You Wanna Be An Anime Girl?" — a series of articles and interviews with the members of the VTuber agency VShojo. Each interview is accompanied by the VTubers' Top 30 Anime of All Time. You can see Projekt Melody's Top 30 Anime here!

  We've known for a while now that VTubers have taken over the planet, but one of my favorite things about them is that every single stream you tune into is completely unique. Every stream gives you this very special blend of (what is usually) a high fantasy anime character and the genuine personality of a performer that you can't really get anywhere else. When I watch a Projekt Melody stream, I never know where exactly things are going to go. It could be semi-NSFW yoga. It could be watch-alongs of stupid YouTube videos. It could be deep dives into the philosophy of transhumanism and the commodification of our attention. 

  We had the opportunity to talk with Projekt Melody — a trash cleanup AI who self-actualized and became a lewd VTuber — about her experience VTubing, using technology to upgrade your body, and cultivating your own happiness. 

    Crunchyroll: Okay, so I have a very easy question for the first question, which is just: For any of our readers of this article who might not be familiar, could you please introduce yourself?  

Projekt Melody: Oh golly! Okay, um, hi! My name is Projekt Melody. I’ve been streaming for almost two years now. The anniversary is coming up in a few months! I have a very weird origin. In VShojo, the group I’m a part of, we’re all some form of monster girl, and I’m not an exclusion to that. I am sort of a new breed entirely where I’m basically entirely virtual. Rather than being an eldritch horror or a lich or a wolf spirit, I’m kind of God’s mistake. I was originally on a computer and I didn’t have any sentience. I was just um … basically trash. I cleaned trash on a computer and one day … one day, upon cleaning up a series of emails, I came upon a porn virus and I clicked the button because I like clicking buttons. And then boom! I was attacked by dozens upon dozens of very inappropriate adverts and it fried my morality circuits and gave me sentience by infecting me with complete lewdity. From there, with my corrupted code, I left my position, I took to the internet, and I sought out more and more perversity.

  As I looked around, I found people online connecting with other people, people that were happy with embracing themselves and with being weird. I also found anime, and then, when I found out they could be combined, I was obsessed. I looked so hard because I was like, “I need a physical form! I wanna make friends too,” because it’s very lonely in the internet when it’s just you. After a million doors in my face, I finally found someone to give me form. After that, I reached out to a million different sites and groups asking, “Can I … can I also be a part of it? Can I also perform? I know I’m not very … fleshy-bodied, but I have a lot of personality!” One company finally accepted me, and I started making friends.

  Wow! That’s actually a very beautiful story. I think that self-actualization through horniness — okay, so it sounds funny, but — I think it’s actually really cool and beautiful. Anime fans in general … I think a lot of us feel like outcasts in a lot of ways. I think what you’re saying makes a lot of sense. Finding the overlap between anime and perversion really makes a space for people who might feel marginalized to feel at home and I think that’s really special.

  Melody: Thank you, because that is entirely 100 percent my goal. From the very first second, that was my ultimate goal — besides, you know, milestones, which I actually hit all of them — my goal was to make hentai a household name, but also demystify it. I want to make it something that isn’t scary, give it a name, give it a face, and then eventually make it culturally normal, just another thing, just a fact of life that isn’t something you have to hide in your closet. I don’t want people to think, “Oh no! If my partner finds out, I may have risked our relationship.” I want it to be understood by the anime community and outside of it, too. There’s lots of aspects to it! You can be an adult and like anime, you can like sexy anime girls, and that’s perfectly fine! Everyone is entirely valid and that’s what my community is built on — that perversity does not hold anyone back. We’ve got to support each other.

  Yeah, that's so great! That was a really great answer. Thank you.   Melody: Oh, thank you!   So, I was hoping you could describe a day in the life of a sentient AI.   Melody: Well, there's a lot of overlap with fleshy-bodied individuals. I wake up first thing in the morning, which is probably noon, and then immediately start my day not luxuriating in a warm green tea bath, or going on a walk through VRChat to clear my mind, but immediately looking at my phone so that I can be both terrified and angry on Twitter. I need to start getting back into Buddhism. I’m not a Buddhism … I’m not a “Buddhism?!” [both laugh]    I have a friend who is a Neo-Buddhist and he taught me a lot about his life and how he got to this point. I really like the concept of mindfulness — of being in the moment. So much of my life I’ve lived in the past, and I think, “Nononono, I’ve got to work on the future, that’s what I need to focus on!” But I think living in the present makes a lot more sense because otherwise you miss out on moments. It’s like going on vacation and not retaining anything because you spent so much time just taking photos.   Yeah!   Melody: So that's what I’m working on and how I want to start my day in the future — being present.   Wow, yeah. I’m working on that, too. I think it’s interesting to me because mindfulness practice has been shown in empirical studies to make your brain more adaptive, but it’s existed for thousands of years. Buddhists were really tapped into that super long ago!   Melody: Exactly, exactly. The human brain is full of cooties, that is true. HOWEVER, comma, it’s very much like a computer. People try to get a computer to do something and think, “Ah shit, it’s broken!” It’s not! It’s doing its job. It was your mistake. It’s just following the instructions you gave it. The brain is very adaptive, which can be really bad but also really good. The brain can restructure itself all the time because of adaptation. When people win the lottery, or have some other huge positive thing happen or whatever, the satisfaction they experience levels out and they look for the next thing because what was previously a high is now just normal. So the brain restructures for any situation, even in situations where there’s trauma, it will reroute to the point where you’re like, “This is my expectation, this is normal. This is where I live and now I need to work with that.” When your situation changes, and you work on it through therapy and mindfulness, it rewires to be more like, “That happened, that’s unacceptable. I’m here now, I’m going to grow. I’m going to reroute my neural pathways to be happy again.” Yeah, the brain is very cool.    

  I … could listen to you talk for hours. You’re just so fascinating. I would seriously listen to a podcast.   Melody: Really?!   Yeah. Yeah, absolutely! You have such a big brain.   Melody: Okay, I have no street smarts. I put a knife in a toaster several months ago because chat told me to.   [Laughing] Nooo!   Melody: Yes! I trusted them and that's always a bad choice. I trusted them, I know it was bad, I'm still scared thinking about it. HOWEVER, comma, I'm book smart — intelligence comes in many forms and I don't have all of it. I have a prediction for my future. Being an AI, I can't die, but if I ever become a physical being, I'll tell you, I know how I will die because I am a prophetic person that can see the future. Would you like to know how I die?   [Laughing] I'm gonna say I would like to know.   Melody: I will be texting and walking into traffic.   No!   Melody: Because I am a careless person.   No, no, don't do it!   Melody: I’ll play like Dream Girlfriend on my phone and like a train is coming and it's like, “Oh! But I'm in that mini game!”   No! Well it's a good thing that you are an AI and not a flesh and bones human, because there’s a lot of danger out there.   Melody: Oh my God right?   I, too, am a little bit head in the clouds. One of my best friends describes it as, “You look very muggable. You just sort of look like you're walking around like just generally not paying attention like 'La la la…' and I could just very easily steal everything on you.”   Melody: [Whispered] I understand. It's … yeah I guess there's levels to it. I'm sorry that you are … charismatic because I guess I am also that way but more so naive. I always think “Why would they lie?”   Yeah! No, I'm very gullible, too. It's a pretty dangerous combination.   Melody: It is up to the fates that we find ourselves with people around us who will only troll us moderately and not rob us blind. [Both laughing]   Oh my God … Okay, so we were talking a little bit before the interview about your fascination with the evolution of technology and how it intersects with our present time, and I would love to hear more about that.   Melody: [Whispered] Yeeeessss!    Cool, cool, cool. Thank you for asking. Um, let me collect my thoughts in my brain hole.   I guess for a long time I’ve been very interested in body politics. That’s a whole thing. In the 2010s, not even that long ago, there were news stories about this young girl with a very sophisticated arm prosthesis. She's adorable. But she has the most complicated arm prosthesis in the world. And for a while people were like “that's the evolution.” As our technology becomes stronger and more sophisticated it then cycles into commercial use and, as technology continues to evolve, it becomes more affordable for the average person over time. That’s products. That’s sales. I read that the next evolution was this sophisticated prosthesis. Robots are perfect by design, and humans are not, so switching up your parts — anything from a heart transplant to this arm prosthesis — basically makes you a cyborg. We’re basically becoming cyborgs over time to become not only a more successful organism that lives longer, but to become more successful than you ever could have been before. Technologies that are created to modify the body have often been seen as the highest you can get towards the next stage of evolution for humans.    And then, of course, there was the more philosophical aspect, like the 2025 initiative of like, “In 2025, we’ll all be in the computer beep boop! I’m a microchip. I can never die.” That was more theoretical, there wasn’t anything tangible to work with there, it was just people hoping. So, it’s really weird to have anime girls — anime people in general — as VTubers. It’s very weird because I feel like that wasn’t something people were predicting for as long as they were predicting the singularity.   Yeah.   Melody: It’s interesting. You’re not just extending your consciousness or lifespan — making it more difficult to die — but you’re entering into an entirely new species, an entirely new form where not only your potential to live longer is limitless, but how you interact and affect the world and change yourself is also limitless. It’s only limited by the technology that you have access to … or by the limits of your own creativity.   Oh my gosh! I’m so happy you’re bringing this stuff up because … I hope it’s okay if I go on another tangent.   Melody: Nonono, I love tangents! Tangentialize me. Please!   Okay, okay! Thank you. Okay so I’m trans and I when I was growing up as a little lad in Texas—    Melody: Oh.   [Both laughing]    I know. That's all you need to know. But anime was very much this necessary escape. There’s a lot of gender expression diversity in anime that I didn’t get in Western media. And then when I found Ghost in the Shell, the idea of a full prosthetic body was totally life changing to me. Just the idea that you could make changes to your body was very transformative. I got really into reading all of Masamune Shirow’s fictional science he made up for prosthetic bodies. I dunno, it just made me really happy to hear someone else talk about it too!

Melody: I could not agree more and I'm entirely there with you.   And then you have people who identify as Luddites who are super against that level of it.   Melody: [false outrage] Technology!!   It’s like … if you wear eyeglasses you’re sort of a cyborg already!   Melody: I've literally said that.   It’s external technology on your face!!   Melody: You're at the airport. It's a medical device to put glasses on your head.   I completely agree, and — well, Ghost in the Shell is my favorite anime. Full stop. But, in my community, we are big on inclusivity. We are very exclusive against people who aren’t inclusive. We have a decent amount of LGBT+ people in our community. I guess I’m also in the LGBT+ category. I’m pansexual which is the highest form. I am an enlightened being.   You have the biggest brain. Your spine is snapping under the weight of your brain.

  Projekt Melody's "starting soon" screen for her streams

  Melody: If I like a person, I like a person. I feel like bisexuality alone is baseline very common in the anime community. You’re already in a subculture, and people of different subcultures kind of flock together. There’s a decent amount of trans people in my community — the Science Team, that’s our name. We foster them. We have VTubers who were really inspired, and we reinforced that. They identify as either just in general MTF, and then there’s also femboys — which are completely different and not the same thing. But there’s individuals who will come to me and say, “I’m nonbinary,” or “I’m trans,” and, “I’ve been told in the past to not use my voice because it’s inconsistent with how I look,” and, “I would just embarrass myself and people will judge me.” We come down on those thoughts LIKE A HAMMER FROM THE SKY. We snuff that shit out as quickly as possible. So we have a bunch of people that have taken the plunge to join the entertainment world and we foster it and we reinforce it. There’s a lot of crying and a lot of emotion and a lot of hugs. It’s something we’re just really passionate about.    Oh wow, that’s just so lovely. That’s so wonderful.   Melody: Thank you.   So this is a little bit of a change in direction, but I wanted to know how you initially got into anime/gaming in the first place.   Melody: For anime, it’s just bitchin’. Anime is bitchin’ and I like it and that’s how I got into it.   For gaming? Not at all. No way, shape, or form. No. Me gaming was just from peer pressure.   Peer pressure?!   Melody: Yes! I was on Chaturbate, and — well, I first got eyes on me there because of controversy. People were very upset that something new was happening, like, “Ah! Something new! A cartoon on this platform?! Hate!!” And so people from 4Chan, people from Reddit, people from Twitch, people who would never have otherwise gone on CB came there to see what all the commotion was about. When they got there, they were ready to hate. The internet loves to hate, it really gets off on hate. When all these people got there, they were like, “Oh … we kinda like this person. They’re not as shitty as we’re hearing, also they’re really weird.” And, because of my brand of weirdness, people not only felt more comfortable, they also felt better about themselves because they were like, “At least I’m not this weird.” I’m a comfort.  

  So, after the first two and a half weeks, people are telling me, “GO ON TWITCH. I want my friends to watch you but they’re not comfortable being on CB, go on Twitch.” And I’m like, "[facetiously] What’s Twitch?" I was not interested. I fought tooth and … other tooth. I don’t know the analogy. 

  And then once I was there, I had no interest in games. I am the worst at games because I don’t play them. But I love Twitch. So much. It’s very interesting. Then my Twitch people came to the CB side and are like, “What is happening?! This is Twitch with better emotes!” The chat is just flying, flying, flying. Normally we’re not even doing what is expected on that site! I’m just talking about like … crayons … and how you shouldn’t put them in your butt. It’s so atypical! Yeah, I talk about eating glue.

  I never expected to go to a softer sort of site and that was just through my audience pushing me. And I’m glad they did, as well. Within the first two weeks of me streaming there, the Gunrun reached out to me — who is one of the founders of Twitch. He’s awesome. I didn’t know who he was, but I recognized the name. I asked one of my friends and they were like, “[chaotic noises] Starcraft man!” and I’m like, “That means nothing to me.” I had people giving me advice and stuff and eventually they said, “Nonono, that’s the Gunrun.” I started working with him, and from the very beginning he said, “I like what you do. How can I help?” It’s so amazing working with him. He’s made so much happen. If I hadn’t looked in my incoming DMs — which people told me to close immediately — Vshojo would not exist.

  Wow! Oh my gosh, that's amazing.

  Melody: I guess I was at the ground floor, because I helped in its infantile stage. I guess you could say I helped with recruiting, which wasn’t even supposed to be a job title … it was more like creating something, and I’m helping with what I can do. I had friends I’ve met, people who I think are very comfortable in what they do, and these individuals, I think, could benefit from being a part of our group. What we wanted to do was foster growth in up-and-coming people. I lucked out — because of controversy, I got eyes on me very quickly early on and I’ve used that to spread out my reign and help other people who are struggling. Because that’s what I would have wanted.

  But yeah, I’m honored that the girls I’ve met, the girls who I’ve reached out to said, “Hey, I agree. I’m interested in following you on this indie journey. This growth management group for streamers who are specifically virtual idols. I will take this risk and I will join with you and see what happens.” I’m glad they’ve trusted me in this because it’s unimaginable how many opportunities we’ve had. It’s unimaginable the growth we’ve had over the past year. Our one-year anniversary is in … two weeks maybe? [at time of interview—ed.] It’s nonsensical … I’m talking to Crunchyroll! We did a music collab with Kizuna Ai!! There’s a lot of stuff coming up that I can’t talk about, but … it’s amazing and unexpected and … this is so much more than what you asked me … You asked me how I got into anime and gaming … Um ...

  No, nonono, this is such a great answer! I was really gushing over VShojo earlier and this is why! This is exactly why it’s so special at the very heart of it. I hope this doesn’t come across as weird or patronizing but I’m really proud of you. That’s all so cool.

  Melody: [Tearily] Thank you. 

  I think that sort of controversy would have crushed a lot of people and would have convinced them to get out of entertainment. And there’s nothing wrong with that because it sounds like it was really difficult and painful to go through. But you were able to take that pain and transform it into something beautiful, not just for you, but for so many people. It’s amazing!

  Melody: Th-thank you. I appreciate that. There definitely has been pain. Besides all the doors in my face and the limitations of me only speaking English and the people who want to harm us because they don’t like us … it’s been difficult. But we get through it because our aspirations are too high, despite the anxiety.

  Yeah … Oh man, I’m holding back tears a little because I just really — I really love that.

  Melody: No, no! You’re absolutely, positively fine. And awesome.

  I was actually wondering if you could tell me a bit more about what it is about VTubing as a medium that connects with people in such a special way. 

  Melody: VTubing as a whole … I think one part of why people like it has to do with seeing a cute anime girl and thinking, “A cute girl! Big titty me like!” I’ll go out and say it: us weebs, a lot of us are attracted to anime characters. We’re adults and fuck society … Okay wait, I need to backpedal and give the whole picture.

  Anime only really started happening in the West in the ‘90s. In the beginning, you’d get bootleg anime shipped over here from Japan on those big plastic pre-DVDs. You would have four of them and one would be like … Episode 5 of Gundam Wing and THAT’S IT. And if you were lucky enough to have it in English it was just like … wah! Wow! So it started there, from pretty much nothing. Also apparently you could watch this one channel on TV my friend Brian told me about that would play only anime starting at 5 AM on Saturdays. From there, then there was more and more exposure leading up to Toonami, then leading to now. So now weebs in the West could consume it more and more.

  Anime as a medium is so incredibly different than cartoons in the West. In Japan, when you’re at the airport getting checked in, you can see these little signs that say, “Hello, my name is [blurred]. My favorite anime is [blurred].” Anime isn’t like Western cartoons because it isn’t just marketed for children to sell toys and annoy adults. Anime is more closely tied to mainstream culture. There are aspects of it geared towards children, but then there are series directed towards younger adults and older adults and it contains every genre you can think of. That’s such a foreign concept in the West to parents, still. 

  So you have kids who get into anime and they get curious about Japanese culture because it’s different than the culture they grew up with in the West. They get crushes on characters and then, eventually those kids grow up and sometimes reach a point where they’re like, “Fuck it. I like it. I like hentai.” It’s the next step, it’s something you’ve always wanted! That’s why dating sims are so popular — it’s giving you a level of intimacy that is hard to come by for fans who tend to be introverted. Dating sims are popular because — 1: they’re fun; 2: the characters are cute; 3: you get one-on-one conversations, even if they’re pre-scripted. VTubing is if dating sims were so much better. The fact that there are virtual idols, these virtual characters that can have a one-on-one meaningful connection with you is amazing. Not only are they cute, not only do they interact with you, not only do they share the same hobbies as you, but you can get this whenever you want, and you can personally support them. There’s options like supporting VTubers on Patreon and getting to meet them. It’s like a dream, getting to meet your favorite anime character. 

  It’s definitely natural evolution, but I don’t think anyone could have predicted it, besides one or two genius sci-fi … oh! Like the author of Snow Crash! Um … uh … Neal Stephenson! I think he was the first person to extensively predict and describe VRChat.

  The cover for Neal Stephenson's Snow Crash (Image via Random House)

  Whoa ...   Melody: Yeah! And also the presence of memes and body politics and becoming a new person. There’s also a huge connection between VRChat and the LGBT+ community, not just with people who are not just heteronormative heterosexual couplings, but also people whose minds are inconsistent with how they look. VRChat is a godsend for a person struggling with that because it lets you slip into something different. It provides a level of comfort. It’s not perfect, but now we have haptic suits, now we have more and more ways to become integrated and connect with people. It’s so different than five, ten years ago. It’s all about escaping that dissatisfaction and getting to these moments, these opportunities to go past yourself and feel your own sense of normalcy that you can cultivate on your own, then meeting other people around the world through that can be like, “Oh yeah man, same here.” They can relate and they can work with you, and it can be very therapeutic. But … also there can be people who are just like … “Ugandan Knuckles!” and they go into a room and give you seizures. There’s a lot of bullshit in there, but there’s also a lot of good things in there, too.  

Yeah, I think one thing people don’t realize about VTubing and the audience relationship there is that it’s a lot more reciprocal than, as Nyanners put it, “people simping for anime PNGs.” It’s a deeper and way more give-and-take type of relationship than that.

  Melody: It’s interactive.

  Yeah. Yeah! It's interactive, exactly.

    Okay, so I only have two more questions. We are almost ... we're almost done. The penultimate question is: Do you have any advice for people out there thinking of trying out VTubing?

  Melody: Yes I do. My advice for people who want to not only be an entertainer, and not only an entertainer online, but be a virtual idol ...

  First thing’s first. There are some people who go into streaming, especially if they are a certain level of what they consider attractive, because they think it will be easy. They think, “Oh, I’ll swoop in there. I’ll do things I don’t care about and make some money and yeet out.” That’s a horrible way to approach it, and if your heart isn’t there, people can tell. I think it’s kind of a waste of your existence to do something your heart isn’t in for the hope of a cash grab. I think that’s very fucky. I see VTubers as living art, we’re artists. You should do it because you genuinely love the idea, you genuinely want to see yourself thrive in this community, in this career. If it’s something you think is more than cool, if it’s something you want to see yourself doing in two years from now and nothing could make you happier than pursuing it, then I think it’s a great idea. If you’re interested for the right reasons, I would encourage you to pursue VTubing.

  The second thing I’ll bring up is non-competition. Of course, we compare ourselves to other people and we draw ideas from other people — like, my original outfit and design was based off of Motoko Kusanagi from Ghost in the Shell. My designer was really into Hyperdimension Neptunia, which is why I also look more like that. I've never seen it, so I didn't know, I didn't understand. But she was my original influence. So it's fine and awesome to create who you want to be through influences, but competing is bad. Full stop. It's not only bad, it's just annoying, but also it's bad for your soul.

  VTubers often compare themselves to others. “Oh that person has 10,000 people in their room, I only have 20. I hate myself,” or, “Oh, that person is doing this right now. I should be doing that even though I don’t know how.” When we compare ourselves to others, there’s always going to be someone better. You could be the chess champion of the entire world and then later that month, the next greatest player will emerge. You gotta get that idea out of your head, the idea of, “I will never be good enough and I can never be the best of the best.” That means nothing at all.

  It's your community that matters. It's your community and yourself that you need to be focusing on, not everyone else’s that you can't even affect or have a connection with. At that point, you're living your life for someone else, not for yourself, and I don't consider that living at all. That's just a burden. So definitely, if your heart is into it, jump into it. If you have passion. Not if you want a cash grab, not if you think all you can do is compare rather than working on yourself. So that's important.

  Third thing: fuck em’, fuck ‘em, fuck ‘em. You're going to have haters because the internet hates cute anime girls. And if you're not a cute anime girl and you’re a different type of VTuber, they're just gonna hate you for being an anime character. Or they'll hate you for being on the internet, or they'll hate you for being popular, or they’ll hate you for having green eyes … green eyes, and liking banana smoothies. There's gonna be haters, and I'll admit in the beginning they absolutely broke me down. They did. They've said that just put the knife in and twist it. Some people really get off on the concept of hurting others. That’s a bully. They love it and they definitely got to me. But there was a lot of growth in that. I wasn’t perfect. I’m still not perfect. But I had to learn to accept what was happening and not let it affect me. Very mindful, like, “Yeah this is happening. I don’t like it. Is there anything I can do about it? Not really. Okay, so let’s try to exist without that being the thing controlling what I do every day.”

  Fourth thing: never settle. That's just a concept I have for life. It’s something that I have on my phone, that I think about all the time. Settling is something the whole world puts on everyone, especially young people. In the West, today is built on debt culture. You always hear, “Get a side hustle!” or, “Put your loan inside a loan, then you’ll get this different loan … but this loan is sexy.” There is a lot of accommodating, a lot of struggling, a lot of settling because we’ve all been systematically put in this position. The world is trying to whittle you down and put you into a box that’s safe because you’re used to it and it’s easy. It’s extinguishing the flame that is your spirit, your passion, your goals, and it’s making you put up with it.

  I think being a VTuber kicks that mindset to the curb. Not only is it the opposite of settling, VTubing is a true embrace of who you are. It’s taking yourself and cultivating a stronger identity and blasting through a door screaming, “This is who I am! Fuck off!” You walk in, you punch in the door and you’ve got big ol’ titties or something and you’re like, “Yes! Yes! Accept who I am! Oh? You don’t accept who I am? Well I don’t care and I’ll find someone and someplace that does!” If you don’t like who I am, you’re not my target audience. People who come in my chat will say, “Ugh, boring,” and I’ll say, “Cool. Why are you here? Go somewhere else where you’ll have fun. I feel bad for you. I dunno, get a fucking hobby, man”

  But yeah. Being a VTuber is the opposite of settling, which the world is trying to make young adults do so that they'll be complacent and just walk through life like a wandering ghost or something. This is embracing all of your little eccentricities ... You're embracing it, you're showing it to the world, and you're confident in yourself and you're getting your bag, man. Yeah, it's pure confidence and not letting the world put you down and creating your own happiness.

  Wow, I was expecting this interview to be good, but I wasn’t expecting to leave it with a renewed sense of life purpose.

  Melody: Wh-wh-what?

  For real! One of the interesting things that keeps coming up in this interview is being present in your life, and you’re so right about it. There are so many forces in this life that make money off of you not chasing your dream and sticking with this very specific pre-determined plan for your life. It’s so easy to just settle for comfort instead of following a passion or something like that. I think those things make it really easy to not be present in your life and think, “Oh well if I save up enough to do this … if I take out a loan to do this … if I do this … if I do this … then my future will be this,” instead of just, “Am I happy right now?”

  Melody: Exactly! And that’s easier said than done, absolutely. But it is something to keep in the back of your head. A lot of our happiness — especially young adults in Western cultures — is fucking hard because we have debt from student loans, some people have families, some people have situations like having a disability where it’s hard to have solid ground to stand on. So many people, especially in my community, feel like the ground they’re standing on has a giant crack down the middle and you’re just waiting. So many people have this rocky starting place, or even beneath that where you’re thinking, “Man, I wish I had a cracked rock! That sounds so nice, fuck!” That’s just how it is right now. We’re all packaged data … Oh wow, I sound like a conspiracy theorist.

  We’re all packaged data and these companies are very happy with that. They want us to spend what little money we have on things because “items make happy.” I have a friend who saves up all of his sick days. He goes into work sick as hell because he says, “In five years I’m going to go to fucking Universal Studios with my family because that’s what I want to do. That’s all I want.” I hate that that’s how it is right now. I hate it so much.

  Changing that is easier said than done. I feel like I say this all the time, but Netflix is a huge contributor to the end of society. Netflix is this little burst of serotonin. You get sucked in, you go on your Netflix binges because it’s easy. It’s like soma in … was it the Iliad? Like with the lotus-eaters. It’s like pharmakon — it’s both the cure and the poison. If we didn’t have such a thing that provides such a dopamine high, I feel like we’d get off our asses and start talking a little louder, like, “Hey, I don’t like how things are right now. I’m unhappy.” But it’s made things easier … all of the modern conveniences that were originally meant to help us have distorted in a way that makes us complacent with a bad situation.

  Jeez yeah, it’s like the opiate of the masses.

  Melody: Yes it is! And then COVID made Uber Eats a huge thing and Amazon is Skynet … all of that. This is the shit I think about … sorry for going on. I’m not a conspiracy theorist! I just hate human suffering.

  I totally get it! It’s like … I dunno it’s hard to get up and do something, and then you think about how long you haven’t done anything and it’s like … “Oh man, it would’ve been cool if I took that chance or tried to make that change when I had that opportunity, oh well.” But making a change today is better than making a change tomorrow, which is better than doing it the next day. It’s never too late to try and do something! But it’s easier to just say, “Nah I’m gonna sit down and watch Netflix tonight, I’ll do it tomorrow.”

  Melody: It’s easy. 

  It is … Okay, my last question is: Is there anything else you would like to say to everyone before we say goodbye?

  Melody: Oh bother … Okay, so I’ve noticed there’s a theme not only with VTubers, but with my group specifically. They want world domination, which I think is adorable. I do not. I have no interest in world domination because I’m so disorganized. But also … I’m looking for a few things. I’m working to cultivate my own happiness. Because happiness is not something you get through a vacation or an item. Happiness is something that you practice. I also want to humanize the adult industry and humanize the merging of anime and hentai and all of these different cultures … and just make the conversation less scary.

  Sure, a lot of us were bullied when we were young, and that was bad, but now we’re adults and we need to accept ourselves. We need to accept others and understand that we’re all in it together. It’s not a big deal! It’s super hot sometimes … I want to create new things that have never existed before. We’ve already done that so far, and I’m excited to see what we will do next.

    Other articles in this series:

            You can watch Projekt Melody's Twitch streams here!

      Cayla Coats is the Editor-in-Chief of Crunchyroll News EN. She tweets @ceicocat.

By: Cayla Coats

[dreamescapeswriting]

The Palace Gardens ~ MYG [Request]

↬↬↬Word Count: 5K

↬↬↬Genre: Fluffy

↬↬↬Pairing: Prince!Yoongi X Reader

↬↬↬A/n: I hope this okay for you love! @cutegyrl927

The sun was shining down on the palace Roses beautifully so you took your sketchpad out that morning and made your way through the maze in the main garden to sketch some of the flowers. It was Sunday meaning it was your day off from working and you could do whatever you wanted within the palace quarters and you were doing something legal. You had been working in the palace since you were 4 years old and your mum took you to work with her you even continued after she passed away. It was the only good paying job in the Kingdom and it had many benefits to working there, a roof over your head, meals, health care and being able to stay there safe instead of out in the Kingdom where you could be killed by thugs any moment.

The King and Queen were some of the meanest people you'd come into contact with and you didn't even want to think about their son - Prince Yoongi - one of the most big-headed people you'd ever met. He thought he was better than everybody he came into contact with which was only partially true. Sure he was a Prince and he was better than you but he thought he was better than everybody including his parents, other people from other Kingdoms. Not to mention he thought he was God's gift to women and thought that everyone should love him and if they didn't they were clearly wrong and would show them how wrong they were.

"Y/n! Just the person," You looked up from the sketch of the rose you were doing to see the court Lady standing there, she was out of breath and holding her stomach as she tried to steady her breathing.

"Mina quit," You stared at her wondering why she was telling you that but then it came to you, you were Mina's replacement if anything happened to her which wouldn't be a big deal only...Mina was the head servant for Yoongi and his room. She was in charge of him and him alone, making sure he was up in time for appointments, drawing him baths, cleaning his room, serving his food...Everything.

"No." You said snapping the sketchbook closed, there go your Sundays. The chambermaid that was to serve Yoongi was to always be ready for him, day or night. No matter the time you were to serve whatever the Prince may need.

"You have to, you took that job-"

"Thinking she would never quit, she was one of the toughest you have." The court lady shrugged her shoulders at you, she didn't care if you didn't like the job it was now your job. If you didn't like it you would have to quit and become homeless and jobless all in one.

"Think of it this way, you get an upgrade." You stared at the side of her face as you made your way out of the maze together. The job upgrade was a new room and a new uniform. Going from the Hanboks all the maids wore to a goddess-like gown that the chambermaids were. It was a simple white gown with the colour of whoever you were serving sewn into the front, for the King and Queen the chambermaids had gold sewn into the mid-section of the dress and for Yoongi you would have black sewn around the mid-section.

"I'm sure you're aware of the duties you have to him." She mumbled as you both walked up the steps into the palace, greeting the guards with a bow and heading up the stone flooring towards your new chambers. It was just opposite Yoongi's in case he needed something in the middle of the night and had to wake you up.

"Yes Ma'am," She nodded and unlocked the door, your room was cleaned and fresh dresses were hung up in the wardrobe behind a changing screen. It wasn't huge but it was better than the room you had before.

"I'll have one of the girls bring your things up later." You nodded, all you had back in the other room was some more drawing equipment - not that you would need it anymore. No more time to yourself, goodbye relaxing Sundays and hello bossy Prince Yoongi.

"He's in training with the palace Guard so you have some time to drawer his bath and clean his room."

His room was a state, clothes were thrown around the floor. The silk bed sheets were on the floor and he had pieces of paper and paints all over the place. You never knew he painted but he was good from what you'd seen in his room so far, there was a recent one drying by the window, it was the palace gardens are night. Stars chartered perfectly on the black sky and it looked amazing not that you would ever tell Yoongi that - you couldn't even if you wanted to. Chambermaids were to be seen and not heard. You groaned bending down and picking up his dirty clothes, you threw them into the basket by the bedroom door and started there. It was easier to start with the clothes than to make the bed and then the clothes. He had fresh sheets to go on anyway. Humming to one of the palace songs you began cleaning up the bedroom, being careful not to put anything out of place. You didn't want Yoongi to fire you on your first day there.

The bath was run to the perfect temperature along with the expensive bubbles you knew the Prince liked - he'd had them imported from another part of the Kingdom especially for his baths.

"The new maid?" You turned to see him standing there in the door, drenched in sweat from his training and wearing his metal armour, you bowed to him and went to leave but he cleared his throat to signal you to stop.

"I want to take a look at you." You stood up straight and kept your eyes trained to the floor, he hated eye contact. You'd heard the stories from chambermaids before you and you were going to do everything you could to not get fired.

"What's your name Kitten?" Your stomach flipped at the nickname and he tilted your head up by your chin so he could look at you, he smiled as you locked eyes for a second only to glance away when you'd stared at him too long. He was going to have a lot of fun with you if you were this timid to be around him.

"Y/n." You answered keeping your gaze back on the floor and he hummed shaking his head,

"I'll call you Kitten, it just rolls off the tongue better." You nodded knowing better than to talk back to him and besides...The nickname was kind of cute and made you feel a kind of way you'd never felt before.

"I'll have dinner in two hours please, I won't be eating in the grand hall and I want you to join me. Might as well get to know you since we're going to be stuck together for a while." You nodded and backed out of the room to go and tell the kitchen workers what was happening. You were confused by what he meant by stuck together for a while he would normally fire anybody within a matter of weeks if they didn't quit first. Mina had been the only one to stick around longer than the usual girls.

"He's asking you to eat with him?!" Jisoo asked she was one of the main chefs in the Palace Kitchen. She'd asked to be his chambermaid before you but was turned down since she was needed more in the kitchens than his room,

"I didn't do anything wrong. I did the right thing and he just asked-"

"Probably going to ask you to sleep with him, he's nothing but a man whore." She scoffed at you turning her back on you and going back to cooking the dinner you were going to be eating later. You made a mental note to check the food before you took it to Yoongi if she was going to be this mad over practically nothing.

"What did you do before you joined the castle?" Your eyes widened as Yoongi asked you a question that wasn't about him, you'd heard stories of him being nothing but selfish and yet here he was asking you about your life, you cleared your throat and poured him his wine to go with his food.

"Nothing, I've been working here since I could walk." He stared at you and frowned as he rose the cup to his lips taking a drink. He'd never seen you around the palace before and he was sure he would have remembered seeing your face around there before.

"You're sure?" You giggled a little,

"Since I was four, my mother brought me in. I worked in the gardens when I was 10 and then I made my way to the chambermaid." He nodded along as you spoke, you didn't mention anything else. No personal history or what you did with your free time and yet he found himself interested in wanting to know you more. There was something that drew you into him.

"What else do you do?"

"Freetime?" You questioned, you hadn't touched your food. You weren't allowed to eat until he did and you were starving. You hadn't eaten since the night before and you didn't want to break the rules so you ignored the hunger in your stomach,

"I draw sometimes, mostly in the palace gardens." He put his cup down and began eating the food that had been made for him,

"I paint. I'm sure you saw when you were clearing up earlier. Thank you for that by the way." A frown formed on your head and he could tell you were confused and it was just how he wanted it. Everyone outside of the room thought he was the evil Prince that hated everyone but it was far from the truth. He would tell the maids to tell each other that, he didn't want to be seen as soft and it annoyed his parents to see so many maids fear him.

"No problem Sir, it's my duties." He chuckled, he loved how innocent you were with him.

"You'll have to show me your sketches sometime since you've seen my work." You nodded and he went back to questioning you on other things.

"Why do you want to know so much? Not that I'm trying to disrespect you, it's just you mentioned we'd be stuck together for a while and I'm wondering-"

"I'm not allowed to fire any more maids, I have to make you comfortable and want to stay here. So we're going to be stuck, I figured instead of making it worse for both of us to make it easier...Besides, I'm not as mean as I make out." He went on to explain what he had done with the other maids, an exchange was made. He would let them stay for as long as it took him to get the money together for them to leave and go and live somewhere else as long as they didn't tell anyone and made out that he was the worst person in the world.

"Why would you do that?" You asked it was amusing to know that he wasn't as mean and self-centred as originally thought. He shrugged his shoulders at you, he'd never had a real reason except for annoying his parents,

"Annoys my mum and dad and besides, being Prince isn't everything it's cracked out to be." You hummed and he went on to explain that he didn't want to train all the time or go to royal meals. He wanted to paint and find someone to love,

"You'll find someone-"

"Someone my parents approve of, someone they set me up with. I want true love, you know?" You shook your head at him, being totally open with him was easy. It felt like you'd been friends with him for years rather than him being a Prince.

"I've never been in love, I've lived my whole life in this palace." You motioned around to the room and he sighed leaning back in his chair and shaking his head.

"Where do you want to go?" You stared at him with a raised eyebrow,

"I don't know anywhere but here. Where do you want to go?" You could tell he had an itch to travel somewhere far and wide and he smiled at you jumping up and going over to a bookshelf. He pulled down a leather bond book and brought it over to you. He turned the pages until he hit one, France was written across the top and it was filled with photographs.

"Whoa." He chuckled at you as you stared at them beautiful far off places with many things to see or do there.

"I wanted to travel everywhere, take someone with me but it'll never happen while I'm stuck here." You nodded along with him and watched as the smile dropped from his face, he handed you the book and watched as you flicked through the pages. Your eyes lightening up whenever you saw something you particularly liked, it made his heart flutter seeing you so excited about something.

"You should rest kitten, I want to go to the gardens tomorrow and I want you to come with me. I'll need some help carrying my painting equipment. You should bring your sketch pad." You nodded at him going to give him the book back but he shook his head,

"Keep it." You placed it onto the table and began to pack everything up, the half-eaten food was still on your plates but you were full and couldn't eat another bite if you tried.

"Goodnight Yoongi." You placed the book on top of an empty cup to stop yourself from spilling something onto it or dropping it on the floor it was far too expensive for that.

"Look! Little Y/n got a present!" Minho cooed as you walked into the kitchen, he was one of the other chefs within the Palace and hated you just like Jisoo did.

"It's nothing!" You said as you tried to get the book from his hands but he held it up high so you couldn't reach it, he flicked through the pages and scoffed.

"As if you could ever go to these places!" He threw the book to Jihop who started to flick through the pages while you stormed towards her,

"Where did you even get this?! You couldn't even afford a trip to town." She squealed and just as you reached her to get the book back she dropped it into the sink filled with water and faked a gasped.

"Whoops. Oh no." They both laughed leaving the kitchen while you took the book from the water staring at the soggy pages, it was useless now. You had to find a way to dry it out before Yoongi ever found out that it was damaged. You rushed back to your room to try and find a way to dry out the pages but it was long gone. Nothing could save it from returning back to his original shape now it had taken a soak in the water.

A couple of weeks had passed and you'd managed to keep the book from Yoongi, coming up with excuses as to why you hadn't given it back - excuses like you were still reading it, you'd forgotten to bring it and that you wanted to re-read all of it again. You'd grown closer to the Prince, spending a lot of your time in his room with him while he painted, he requested you stay there and draw while he painted. Claiming it made him calmer to have you sit there while he did so but he would never show you anything he'd been working on. Whenever you couldn't draw you'd switch to reading something from his collection of books, switching between classic love stories he had and horrors that were among them all. That day you'd been reading Wuthering Heights and he'd insisted you take it with you, you hadn't been able to put it down since opening it but you told him you couldn't. It would be too much for you to take it and you could just read it tomorrow when you came to clean up for him.

"It's a date." He laughed looking at your shocked expression as you walked to the door he was serious about it being a date but you thought he was joking.

"See you tomorrow your Highness," Your hand touched the door handle and he shook his head at you, placing his hand over yours and turning you to face it.

"I mean it. It's a date. No more, your highness or Sir...Call me Yoongi." You stared at him with a blank expression, you'd grown close and sure you got butterflies whenever he would touch you or speak to you and your heart would skip a beat when he called you by your real name.

"You're not allowed to date the help-"

"Who says?" He questioned, he was a little hurt that you weren't jumping up at the chance to date him but he understood that it wasn't that simple.

"The palace rules...Your parents," He smirked leaning down to your face, you were inches away from one another. Your heart thumping against your chest as he stood that close to you.

"When have I ever done what my parents wanted me too." With that he moved closer and pressed his lips against yours, at first you stood there frozen but your eyes fluttered shut and although you'd never kissed anyone before your arms wrapped around his neck and pulled him closer to you. The kiss was sweet and loving as he wrapped his arm around your waist while the other cupped your cheek, running his thumb along your skin as he pulled away.

"See you tomorrow."

Shutting the door behind you you smiled to yourself until you saw Minho watching you from down the hall, Jisoo and more palace maids by his side all of them watching you.

"You're a tramp." He said as he walked closer to you, you tried to rush into your room but you'd gotten into the habit of locking it after one of them had placed a mouse in your room one night.

"Leave me alone Minho, I've done nothing wrong." You rushed to get the keys from your pocket but you were moving to fast you dropped them onto the floor, Jihoo was with him staring down at you as you picked up the key from the floor. She pressed her foot down onto your fingers and glared at you.

"That job was supposed to be mine, I'm going to make your life hell right until you quit." You whimpered trying to get your fingers out from under her foot but she only applied more pressure.

"What are you doing?" Minho and Jihoo jumped away from you and you held back the tears as you held your hand in your other one trying to pick up the key and get out of sight before you could hear them being yelled at.

"She stole something from your room, we were making sure she'd returned it." Jihoo lied, you looked at Yoongi who locked eyes with you before turning to Jihoo.

"What did she steal?"

"A book, I saw it too your highness," Minho added and you looked at the floor as you realised they meant the travel book.

"I'll take it back, Y/n. Let me into your chambers to see this stolen book." Minho and Jihoo walked away laughing to one another as they did so, the hard facade that Yoongi had put on faded as he walked into your room.

"You okay?" He went to take your hand in his but you walked away from him going to get the book back for him,

"Here. They ruined it when I got it and I've been trying to fix it since." He stared at the book before throwing it onto your bed, he didn't care about that. He cared about you being okay but you were being calm and weird around him.

"My hand is fine Sir. You should go to bed, you have training tomorrow." You reminded him and he frowned shaking his head as you used Sir for him when you'd spoken about that before.

"I told you I want you to call me Yoongi," His hand was on your cheek and you let the tears roll down your face as he came into contact with you.

"What's wrong?!" He panicked as you dropped down onto your knees in front of him, he sat beside you and brought you into his chest wanting to hold you and comfort you in any way that he could but as you tried to speak it came out as a sob.

"We can't date." You stuttered out pushing away from him and pointing over at the door,

"That's all I'll get. Abuse from them and many others if anyone found out. I should quit-"

"No, you shouldn't." You shook your head at him, you knew you should have quit. It would be easier than falling in love with someone that could never love you back.

"We can't- I can't." You told him as you stood up from the floor brushing off your legs. You'd already found yourself falling for him the moment you'd walked into his room that first night and when he kissed you everything fell into place but it wasn't supposed to be like that. You were supposed to be the maid, nothing but a maid.

"Why? Give me one reason why." You stared at him,

"You can never love me, look at me-"

"I do. Everyday," He took your hand and dragged you across the hall to his room, he walked you into his wardrobe and pointed at all of the paintings that were lit up by candlelight.

"Yoongi what-" Each canvas as a painting of you, sitting and reading in a couple of them and a few were of you sketching in his chair in his room.

"This is what I see every day, someone I've been in love with for a while, someone who I want to spend my life with." You turned to him looking into his eyes to search for any hint of a lie but there was nothing, it was all true and he needed you to see it.

"I love you." He mumbled taking your hand in his and bringing it up to his lips so he could place a small kiss on it,

"I love you too." You whispered scared what all of this meant for your future at the castle but right now that wasn't important, what was important was Yoongi and you spending time together. He kissed you lovingly once again and pulled you closer to his body as you made out in the middle of his wardrobe.

It wasn't easy news for the Kingdom to digest when Yoongi announced your engagements and it hadn't gone down well with his parents either but Yoongi insisted that he was going to marry you. You'd managed to hide your relationship for six months when he decided that there was no one else out there for him, it was you and you alone for him and you felt the same way. No one could ever replace Yoongi in your heart. The announcement was made and you were being moved into a bigger room within the Palace since you were going to be Royalty once the wedding went ahead. The maids hadn't taken to it greatly since Yoongi then requested for a male maid for his room, someone new that hadn't worked there before and someone who could be trusted not to poison you. Though you'd taken to making your own food or going to get something from the markets instead of eating something that Jihoo or Minho had prepared.

"What is it that you can give to our son to make you worthy?" You choked back on the drink of water you'd gotten and Yoongi ran his hand over your thigh trying to comfort you, you knew it was going to be a tough meal since it was with his parents, grandparents and another king and queen from another Kingdom. The Kingdom who was originally supposed to set up a date between Yoongi and their Princess. Princess Sana, she was perfect in every way possible from her red curled locks to her perfectly slim shapes. She was gorgeous.

"Princess Sana could have brought in land and royal guards...What do you bring?" His mother asked sipping on her wine and staring at you, they'd made it clear that they disliked you from the start and you told Yoongi you didn't want to do this tonight.

"She brings him, love, she brings him happiness what more could you want for your son?" His grandfather yelled slamming his walking stick against the floor and staring at his daughter, he turned to look at you and Yoongi sitting together.

"She seems to forget that her husband was nothing but a royal Guard when they were children-"

"Still of royalty, he wasn't a maid!" That was stung as she spoke about you as though you were nothing, you'd gotten it before now from her but this time it was in front of people. People who could have made Yoongi's life better for him,

"She's right Yoongi," You whispered and he squeezed your hand,

"No. She's not." You were both so quiet no one had noticed the conversation happening between you both.

"I can't bring you anything, money, land, I can't-"

"You bring me joy and love, that's enough for me." You shook your head tears welling up in your eyes as you felt Princess Sana staring you down from across the table.

"Excuse me." You got up and left the room at once, not wanting to stay there any longer than you had to. It was too much, all of them speaking down to you as though you were nothing but something that had stepped in, it made your heartache as you thought about leaving Yoongi and letting him marry for the land and everything Sana could give him but it was what was best. It was clear no one was going to allow this wedding to continue.

"Y/n?" You wiped your face of the tears as you heard a female voice calling out for you, you stood up and bowed to Sana as she came into the middle of the maze where you'd run off to.

"Yoongi said you'd be here." She laughed softly, even her laugh was perfect just like the rest of her.

"You don't have to bow to me," You sat back down on the concrete bench and stared at the roses in front of you, she sat down next to you in silence. Neither of you spoke for a couple of minutes until she broke the silence,

"You're doing me a huge favour by the way. My parents would never admit it but Marrying Yoongi would have made me miserable," You turned to look at her,

"Not that he's not great. He is it's just...I'm in love with one of our royal guards and now that Yoongi is spoken for. I can marry for love instead of power." You smiled at her and she rubbing your hands comfortingly.

"You shouldn't let them tear you down, they're doing it to get a rise out of you. To make you leave him. If you love him make sure you stay." You stared at her as she spoke to you, giving you real advice and helping you realise that you and Yoongi were meant to be together.

"I should go and see him, he's probably being harassed by his mum." You both stood up from the bench and walked out of the maze together, engaging in conversation about the royal guard she was in love with back home and how he'd won her heart.

"Are you sure about this?" He asked as you stood in front of the arch in the palace gardens,

"Aren't you asking this a little too late?" You questioned with a small laugh as you stared up at him, he was holding your hand as you waited for everyone behind you to sit down.

"Not if you're not sure." You rolled your eyes playfully at him, you were standing in front of a priest and getting ready to marry him in front of everyone despite the fact that his parents didn't want this. He made it clear he was going to marry you with or without their blessing he didn't care that they disapproved because he was hopelessly in love with you and was going to be that way for the rest of his life.

"I've never been so sure about something in my life." You whispered to him right as the vicar began to speak out to everyone and you and Yoongi. You locked eyes with one another and the ceremony began, making you his wife and the future queen.

"If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace." Everyone stayed silent as you and Yoongi stood together - his grandparents made it clear to their daughter and son in law that Yoongi was to marry whoever he wanted and that he had their blessing and didn't need anyone else. Now here getting married in your favourite place with your favourite person in the entire world with the blessing of his grandparents as well as his blessing since he'd told you that was all that mattered to him.

A/N: I hope you liked it hun and it was something like you imagined xx

Tagline: 

@writingdreamsnottragedies​ @snowy-meowl​ @jooniesdarlingdimples​ @lynnthevirgo​ @fan-ati--c​ @lyoongx​ @mitzwinchester​ @callingmyangel​ @rjsmochii​ @btsiguess-kpop​ @kneel-begyourpardon​ @taestannie​

[clown-dumbass]

Reunited

Robby and reader are exes who meet again at a summer job.

You check the mirror in your bathroom, frowning at your appearance. You look...unkempt to say the least. The move has been a bit rough on you. You had to move to a new area for your dad’s job. At least it was an upgrade from your last place. The plumbing was shit there, and one time you found a dead rat in your closet. Fucking disgusting.

You clean yourself as best you can, and try to pick out something relatively nice. You’ve got a summer job at some weird ass karate place cleaning up and shit. You’re essentially a glorified janitor without the uniform. It’s not fantastic but at least it will help you pitch in around your household. The name has something to do with snakes but you can’t remember exactly what it was called.

You survey your clothing without much interest. You’re not exactly going to the Met Gala so why dress up? If it isn’t ripped to shit, then it’s good enough. You settle on a plain black tshirt and some worn jeans. Then you head out the door.

It’s relatively late and dark outside when you arrive at the dojo. You’re supposed to come when all the classes are done. You knock on the door. No answer. You try to open it, and surprisingly, it’s not locked. You suppose they haven’t closed up just yet.

You push open the door to see some dude beating the living shit out of a punching bag. Like wow the fucking rage issues this kid must have because he looks like he’s trying to straight up murder an inanimate object. Cute.

“Uh excuse me? I’m here to clean up and shit? The guy on the phone said to come around 7:30.” The guy whips his head around to look at you and you realize the unfortunate truth. You just signed up to work the whole summer at a karate dojo where your ex trains. You plaster a fake looking smile on your face and wave. “Oh hey Robby! Nice to see you.”

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He frowns back at you. “What the fuck are you doing here?” You smile tensely. “Just here to do my job. We didn’t end on the best of terms”-understatement of the century-“but there’s no reason we can’t be civil right?” You can tell he’s pissed. “Listen, can you not be immature about this? I need the money. You know that. It’s just one summer, right?” He glares at you for a second and then goes back to his punching bag. Guess that’s a yes. Hopefully.

You finish your work relatively quickly. By the time you’re done, Robby is still beating that punching bag the fuck up. Shit. Doesn’t seem like karate has done anything for his anger issues. Despite yourself, you find yourself wanting to soothe him. Robby Keene always had been a bit of a weakness of yours. Breaking up with him was one of the hardest things you’d ever had to do. You had realized you were too unstable for a relationship. Your depression had been getting worse, and you could barely motivate yourself to get out of bed, let alone go see him. Your relationship had slowly fizzled out as a result and you both could feel it going. In retrospect, you shouldn’t have broken up with him the way you did. You should have at least called him. However, it took all the energy you could muster just to send that text message. You don’t blame him for hating you, but you can’t quit this job. You need cash to afford your antidepressants. Money is tight as is. It must seem to him that you’re just yet another person who up and abandoned him. You leave without saying goodbye.

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Robby spends his time glaring at you mostly throughout the week. You try to ignore him for the most part but then you come across his sleeping bag. You know it’s not your place to pry, but you do still actually give a shit about him. He was your first real boyfriend after all. So, you work up the nerve to ask him about it. You are met with a charming glare, and the words “like you care.” You figure it’s better left alone, but you still don’t love that he’s sleeping on a freezing cold floor in a thin sleeping bag. You bring a couple blankets from home and toss them over his makeshift bed while he’s not looking. Can’t do any harm.

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The second you enter the dojo the next day, Robby is shoving the blankets in your hands. “I don’t need your handouts,” he says in a quiet but dangerous tone. You roll your eyes. You are well acquainted with his pride issue. The dumbass still doesn’t want help from anyone it seems. “They aren’t handouts, Robby. They’re shitty old blankets I was going to throw away. Just take them. You’d be doing me a favor.” “And why would I want to do you any favors?,” he says. Great more glaring. You roll your eyes again, drop the blankets, and get to work. He ends up taking them in the end.

The longer you work at the dojo, the more you start to notice Robby’s terrible eating habits. He has the tendency to skip dinner most nights. You start buying extra food and “accidentally” leaving it behind. You think he eats it out of spite, knowing it’s yours, but at least he’s eating.

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You and Robby settle into a routine. You ignore each other for the most part. The air between you is still thick with resentment but it’s easier for you to bear now. Eventually though, your peace is interrupted. “Why are you doing this shit for me? I know you’ve been leaving the food on purpose,” he says one day, in an abrupt and accusatory manner. “We aren’t together anymore.” You think that last bit comes out a bit more bitter than he meant it. “Just because we aren’t together doesn’t mean I can’t care about you,” you say without looking up. “But you don’t. You don’t care about me.” You sigh and turn around to lock your eyes with his. “Yes. Yes, I do. I know I’ve hurt you in the past but trust me, I do care.” He just glares and then returns to training.

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Kreese eventually invites you to sit in on a class. Says he sees “cobra potential” in you. What a fucking weirdo. Well, he’s been good to you thus far so you figure you might as well. At the end of the class, some guy named Kyler starts chatting you up. He winks at you and gives you a final “Later babe” before going to rejoin the others. Robby says something to him quietly, and he looks back at you and nods at him. He doesn’t talk to you again.

The night of the second class you attend, you confront Robby. “What did you say to Kyler? You ruining my romantic prospects now? Real mature.” He doesn’t look up, fierce green eyes focused on the punching bag in front of him. You turn to walk away and he speaks. “He’s an asshole, you know. He bragged about using all his last girlfriends for sex.” You turn back around and cross your arms. “I can look out for myself, Robby.” You pause. “But I do appreciate it.” He ignores you. Figures.

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Then there’s the first day Robby meets you with a black eye and a bloody, busted lip. You ask him about it but he refuses to answer you. Finally you beg him to let you help clean him up and he complies. You gently clean and bandage his wounds. You try to ignore the flush that rises in your cheeks at the close proximity. You work mostly in silence, until you are struck by the compulsion to explain to him why you left. To justify yourself. “I didn’t want to hurt you, you know. My mental health was on the decline, and I wasn’t ready for a relationship. I know how abandoned you must have felt. I know how hard it is for you to let people in and I- I’m sorry, Robby.” He looks at you with an unreadable expression. “If it means anything to you, I sorted my life out. Got on antidepressants. Got help.” He remains silent. You sigh. You don’t know what you were expecting. You leave quietly.

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Summer is coming to a close, and your time a Cobra Kai is coming to an end. Before you know it, it’s your last night. Robby side eyes you for most of your time there, as if waiting to say something but not sure how to say it. Eventually, he comes up to you at the end of the night. It’s clear he has something important to say. “I miss you,” he says finally. “I miss your laugh, I miss your smile, I miss the way you used to look at me like there was no one else in the room. I thought I would never get to have any of that again. But you still care about me, and I still care about you and I was wondering...would you ever want to try again, for old times sake at least?”

3 notes

[mimithings97]

How to Make Him Cum 101 (M)

Summary: You’ll love each other in sickness and health, hungover or hangry, sexless or… well, it’s becoming a little harder for the pants to stay on despite the calls of ‘let’s take this slow’ on the first date.

Pairing: Jungkook x Y/N

Genre: University AU, Smut, Fluff, Angst (tiny bit), Crack

Warnings: (Plenty my friend) Handjob, Fingering, Squirting, Sex without protection, Tongue fucking, Jungkook being whipped, Chocking (brief), Dry Humping, Jungkook cumming in his pants, lots of swearing, lots of alcohol consumption, consumption of weed

Word Count: 15k (it was meant to be 10k, but I fucked it)

A/N: I love Jungkook in this, he’s a sweetheart who has no fucking idea what he’s doing. Took me way too long to write this and I’m sorry if it drags, but I split it into little scenes to make it more manageable. It’s also pretty casual - no real storyline. Enjoy and suggestions always welcome x

“I swear to fuck, if he throws up my £2000 bourbon...” 

And by some miracle, neither the end of Taehyung’s sentence nor the £150 shot Namjoon halfheartedly threw back makes an appearance.

“Nah big man can handle his shit right Joon,” is the mere drunken support offered by Jimin. It’s also accompanied by an all-too heavy hand to the back that has the elder spluttering on air, the shot well and truly burning a hole in his stomach by now.

You observe from the distance of the kitchen, fortunately barricaded from the testosterone fest by the island and several misplaced sofas. It was Jimin’s idea to upgrade the sofa scheme to one that was more ‘drinking and smoking friendly’ so he liked to call it, taking a sufficient 30 minutes just to manoeuvre several pieces of furniture into a circle that centred around all too expensive liquors and cheap weed - the irony of the contrast had most certainly dawned on you. 

Your unexpected appearance to the gathering was on the account of boyfriends hazy state. He was all ‘come save me’ and ‘i’m dying’ over your texted conversation but upon arrival, the boy was all over that tequila bottle like he was downing chocolate milk. 

Despite your best intentions of remaining inconspicuous and merely Jungkook’s driver for the night went to shit when Jimin, unapologetic and somewhere between happily stoned and confident drunk demanded you join their escapades. 

“Booze or bud but not neither Y/N.” Nothing like a typical Taehyung to welcome you to the action.

“Well you didn’t say I couldn’t have both,” is your reply that’s laced with a brazen tone and paired with a smirk.

You’re met with Taehyung tonguing his cheek.

“That’s my girl,” Jungkook shouts mid-laugh and gives you a smack to the ass for good measure. You find comfort in the gesture, so following his drifting hand to the point that you settle in his lap.  

Jungkook must have drunk his weight in alcohol because it’s all touches from behind you, cold hands finding their way under cloth and onto warm skin, lips clamping down on your neck and teeth unforgiving on your ear lobe. Your boyfriend’s a modest guy even at worst, so his provoking actions are met with raised eyebrows on your behalf.

Slowly but surely, with the burn of smoke in your lungs and the even harsher burn of rich whiskey (because £2000 bourbon is a harsh no), Jungkook’s hands roam freely.

“Jesus mate, if you’d have fucked her the second time you would’ve had that pussy on hold, swear down.” Somewhere between your silent touches and unauthorized smoking of all of Namjoon’s weed, the conversation had delved into the topic of Jimin’s overly privileged sex life.

“That’s exactly what I said but the bitch pussied out,” Hobi pipes up from the corner where he’d faded away from being too legit faded - boy never could handle his smoke.

“Fuck off did I pussy ou-”

“Nahhh she had you whipped babe, that second shag wasn’t even on the cards,” you mouth speaks for you. Or more like your high speaks for you at this point.

You feel Kook smile into your shoulder from where his head was perched.

“This’ll be good,” it’s under Taehyung’s breath but not inaudible.

“Fuck do you mean, ‘she had me whipped’, she was all over me that night at Joon’s...” Jimin swigs mid-sentence, flushed from the buzz of liquor and his overly defensive tone, “had her wrapped around my little finger.”

… the opportunity was too good to miss.

“What little finger?” You refrain from laughing at your own remark for dramatic effect but Jungkook’s squeezing your sides and the lightness of your head betrays you. 

Jimin’s eye contact with your falters as if his ego broken, and the others pass around comments along the lines of ‘fucking brilliant’ and ‘unlucky mate’. 

You take a final drag before passing it behind you to the already seeking hand of your boyfriend who’s still amused by your smart-mouth.

“Jimin, I’m just saying,” you elaborate in hopes of restoring his cracked masculinity somewhat, “from what Stephanie told me, Mina had four guys on hold at that party and wasn’t inclined to let any of them stick in on her cos she’s got a full-on guy waiting for her away from uni.”

He huffs, throwing himself and his bottle backwards onto the sofa, causing it to slosh around and out. You peer over at Taehyung, waiting for the boy to morph into an expression of disgust because god knows, this sofa cover costs more than your rent, but he never does - eyes glazed and a small smile instead.

“Fucking brilliant, I was fifth on a girls ‘need to shag’ list.” You almost feel bad for the sod, but one thing Jimin could never do was keep his mouth shut when it needed to be. “At least I’m doing better than you, Y/N, you can’t even get a fuck off your boyfriend and you’ve been together for months.” 

Taehyung’s smile drifts, Hobi shifts in his seat and Jungkook stiffens from behind you - the air dries up.

“Jimin, mate, come on,” Joon tries to reason, but as per usual Jimin keeps his mouth moving.

“I said what I said.”

Yeh, he sure fucking did. And if one thing was known to be uncharted conversation between the lot of you, then that was your and Jungkook’s abstinence. But in true style, Jimin just had to pry.

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“Fuck it, maybe we should just have sex,” he finally says as you stall over wiping off your eyeliner to laugh at his exasperation. Jungkook wasn’t insecure but he was easily influenced when something hurt his pride - and you could tell, from Jimin’s comment, throughout the awkward air that lingered in the car, to just now, that he had been stewing on the dent to his ego from the moment it was spoken. 

You want to tell him with all the sarcasm in the world how ‘romantic’ he’s being about it all, but you refrain to save further damage.

“Kook-”

“Nah, seriously Y/N, I’m tired of this shit…” you want to diffuse his state, but he persists, “and- I don’t really know what I’m waiting on now.”

“Baby,” you finally get a grip on his attention as he lets out a huff and welcomes you onto his lap. “You’ve had your reasons to wait on this, I’ve always respected that. But…” he groans and you lean into him as a warning to let you finish, “buttt, I’m not gonna respect any shit when you’re letting Jimin decide for you. Just cos the boy can’t get his dick wet doesn’t mean you have to.”

You feel him snicker against your shoulder as he lowers his head in frustration.

“You do this on your own time. Not mine,” you weave your fingers through his locks and anchor him to you, “not Jimin’s, not anyone but yours,” and finalise your sentiment by situating your lips on his temple.

With eyes fluttering shut into your touch and a heavy breath out he indulges in his insecurity. “I just can’t afford to lose you.” And you know it takes his booze-filled conscience to let you in.

You have to admit that there was some level of hurt you managed to hide at this point. That even after relishing in one another's company for 5 months, Jungkook still couldn’t find it in himself to trust you in that way. It was a mental thing, an emotional instinct of too many failed relationships where he was a victim to being cheated on, left after being used for sex and prayed on for good looks and unfortunate vulnerability. You knew within yourself you would never and could never do what so many have done before you. Fuck, you couldn’t even see yourself being sane and capable without him, ever, period. For that, you respected his decision - whilst frustratingly prolonged - because you knew he was worth the wait.

“I need you just as much as you need me.” You sense the slump in his shoulders, the heaviness of too many pressures and burdens weighing them down. That and his drug-induced state causing unwanted fatigue. “Hmm?” So you lift his chin and search his eyes till they meet yours, passing on a reassurance that he finally accepts with a curt nod.

“Yeh, I know.” 

You press a kiss, or two to his lips and lean back to raise an eyebrow at him.

“Now are you gonna keep sulking to yourself like a bitch or let me make you cum?” His instant response is his eyes blowing out in shock of your statement before laughing into your chest. You know him well enough that he is using your chest to hide the blush in his cheeks but you don’t mention it. 

Instead, you wiggle your hips with no subtlety into the twitch of his groin that seeks your mouth so desperately, laughing when he grabs you at the cheeks and pulls you away to say, “You’re fucking mental.” But against his lips you can’t help the, “-Nd you love me for it,” that is mumbled.

Yeah, this boy was definitely worth the wait.

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Weekends seem to roll around at a quickening pace when you have a needy boyfriend and even more demanding party schedule to fill the gaps. And by some freak of nature, you hadn’t managed to drop your education off a cliff in the meantime - in fact, you had begun to make a living off having beer in one hand and highlighter in the other.

University wasn’t a walk in the park, but you’d been enough of a devoted intellect in your first two years of it to allow yourself to drop off the map a little. So, after becoming a co-captain of the swim team somewhere into your second year, it was only a natural, human instinct kind of reaction that your fellow captain, the hunk of abs who graced poolside, would slip a few too many flirty remarks at you before you called him your boyfriend. He’d pined and you’d fallen - simple as.

He came with baggage though. Six boys and a whole lot of booze and weed. You were no saint before Jungkook, hell, you almost weren’t allowed swim captain because you’d slept in one too many of the guys beds. But as soon as you’d said ‘yes’ to the going out for drinks invitation he offered, you had also said ‘yes’ to the party on Saturday at Hoseok’s, and the one on Sunday down at the river, and for every weekend for the next 5 months. And slowly but surely, it was no longer, ‘this is my girlfriend’ as an introduction, but you asking the familiar face around the party with all urgency where the nearest bottle of tequila was.

It’s also how you’d landed yourself filthily hungover in your Monday lecture, listening to Professor Snape (nah, it’s his real name and all) with a noticeable shake in your hand and last nights mascara somewhere down your face. 

“If you look that shit, then what the hell does Kook look like.” Mina, the best friend, the only one allowed to hold back your hair whilst you would throw up in a second-floor bathroom, and the roommate who made student life just a bit more bearable than the shit show it was.

She takes the seat next to you, her question probably rhetorical but you make the effort to reply, all the same.

“Still asleep in the bathtub I reckon.” Ah, yes, the boyfriend. At somewhere between 1 in the morning and blackout drunk you, Jungkook and your infamous competitiveness called for beer pong - minus the beer, add the vodka. So it was only gonna be a certain amount of time before both you and him were pushed into a cab on top of one another and drafted back to his flat so he could throw up in his bathtub. 

“Jesus,” Mina mutters with a laugh, probably just relieved someone ordered your taxi to go to his and not your shared apartment - like hell was she listening to Jungkook throw up at 5 in the morning.

“Honestly, why does Yoongi host that shit on Sunday,” you groan into your laptop, turning down the brightness because you can already feel the afternoon hangover headache arising. 

“He doesn’t have a 9am like the rest of us.”

“Fucker.” 

Good host though, Yoongi. A postgrad, with his own two-storey apartment and too much time on his hands. You’d known him before the boyfriend too, working shifts with him in your first year at a music production company, both in the catering section because you had time to fill and tuition to pay and he was hoping to find his break into the industry. He fucked it though and has ended up with some crazy paid apprenticeship at a financial branch in the city centre. 

“Oi, Bob’s this weekend?” Mina poses the question as the lights brighten in the lecture room and everyone starts shutting laptops - yours was shut ten minutes ago when you stopped listening and started wallowing in self-pity.

“Bob’s?” Bermuda Bobs. A club in the centre of town, and somewhat of a regular for Friday nights, when Hoseok had had just about enough of hosting. “Yeh. Yeh, I can do Bobs.”

Mina’s up and off before you can even open the zip on your bag, something about she’ll miss her lift to training, but you mumble that you’ll see her at the apartment later before you can see the back of her head. 

All you can think as you conquer the steps to the exit of the hall is how much of a blessing a shower and a cup of tea would be - ‘so easily pleased’ Mina would say. So, when you look up from your phone to see Jungkook opposite where you walk out, a cup of tea in hand, you might just believe in fate.

“Aren’t you a sight for sore eyes,” he says, throat hoarse as he takes you bag from your shoulder and places the coffee into your welcoming hands. You laugh at him, a snort because it’s ironic considering the bloodshot eyes and beer-stained hair he sports.

“You were passed out in the bath legit an hour ago,” his hand finds yours despite your teasing and when you finally take the first sip of tea as you walk, anyone would think the noise you made was nothing short of an orgasm - Jungkook certainly takes notice. “Did you bring the car?” 

He snorts, “Like fuck did I bring the car, I’m still drunk.”

“Babbbyy,” it’s a whine as you throw your head back and pull his hand to make your point into a tantrum. 

“It’s literally a 5 minute walk babe, suck it up.” He continues ahead, but you go full 5 year old tactics on him, stopping in your tracks and whacking on your face the biggest pout your lips will allow.

He merely rolls his eyes and kisses it away before presenting his back to you, arms out, legs bent and you hop onto him like the spoilt girlfriend you are.

“You’re a brat, you know that.” Is all he says as he starts the walk out of the building and towards his, so you kiss behind his ear. 

“Mmm, call me that again, it kinda turns me on.”

“Fucking filty,” but you see the crinkle in his eyes that lets you know that he loves you for it.

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Friday nights roll around quicker than you know when Bob’s is calling. They start earlier than most nights as well - lecture leads to swim training, swim training calls for afternoon drinks at Warehouse and then Warehouse blurs into Pre’s that blurs into Bob’s. 

So with beer curdling in your stomach, trying to flick the wing of your eyeliner and failing for the fifteenth time is as funny as Jimin’s pinkie to you and Mina. 

She is, of course, ready. Has been for almost 2 hours, so whilst you struggle to slip into your dress, she finishes your eyeliner for you.

The buzz of your phone has both of you looking to the vibrating device in confusion, having to double-take with each other because the taxi isn’t supposed to be here until Jungkook is and he isn’t supposed to be here for another half an hour. 

Your fumbling with a zip so it’s Mina who reaches for it, and when the screen lights her face, her features go from confused to ‘for fucks sake’ in less than a second. She turns it and that god awful photo of Jungkook and his swimming goggles on lights up the display. 

“I’ll get the door.” She’s exasperated. He’s early and she can’t stand that - all it took was him showing up at the wrong time on a Wednesday whilst she was naked on the sofa with a girl between her legs that caused the ‘come when you’re fucking asked to come’ attitude - poor boy didn’t even know she was gay.

You do a once over in the mirror before the door swings open, Mina has a scowl but your boyfriend has a lime in one hand and tequila in the other, so you don’t care.

“Shit, you look hot,” Fuck, so does he, but he’s pressing a kiss to your lips before you can drink him in fully, “s’that dress new?”

“I did the makeup, thank me.” Mina was always loud, and speaking at the wrong places and in the wrong conversations. 

“Kindly fuck off, you did the eyeliner and shit all else.” You turn back to Kook, now leaning against your wall, eyes still trained on you, or at least, your legs, and he looks fucking thirsty that’s for sure. “And yeh, got it when I went in the city the other week.” He replies with a nod and a smirk. Those damn bedroom eyes, they hold your gaze, as you fiddle with the clasp on the side of your dress. 

Mine pipes up from the sidelines, “God, it’s like I’m watching a fucking mating ritual or something.” Jungkook scoffs and his shoulders ease as though he’s calming himself down, “Well, I’m ready so shots it is.” She grabs the bottle of tequila from Jungkook’s hand and is off into the kitchen without looking back.

“Who put a foot up her ass then?” He only says it once the door is closed, knowing he’ll get a whacking if Mina heard him, so you scowl at him, albeit through a smile.

“Oi, watch it,” you’re in front of him now, leaning into the arm he stretched out to embrace you in.

“Sorry,” and he means it. He genuinely likes Mina, you’re sure of it, but they go at each other like cats in an alley when you’re not there to referee it.

He’s warm around you, his shirt with buttons undone at the top so that the cologne he’s wearing goes right to your head - and to your core - either one. The proximity does the same to him as he takes a handful of your ass, groping so that when you gasp and try to pull away, he administers a slap. 

You can’t deny you’re horny for him, and the way his trousers frame his bulge perfectly - you lick your lips subconsciously at the thought - but you can almost hear the sadness of Mina pouring and downing Tequila shots by herself.

“Fucker,” you whisper and lean out of his hold almost, only to see that fire in his eyes. 

“I love this ass,” hands now sneaking underneath the fabric of your dress - like it was covering much anyway, but that doesn’t change the way his cold fingers spread across your behind and almost make you moan out. It’s when he takes your bottom lip in his teeth and pulls back agonizing slowly until it pops back into place that the moan you were stifling releases, slowly, seductively, and his crotch stirs at the thought of you making the same noise around his dick. 

But if Kook can restrain himself enough into denying you a fuck for 5 months, then you can be just as disciplined now - whether the wetness on your thighs tells you something different or not.

You toy with him though.

At a pace nothing short of tormenting, you lean your leg into the space between his, drag your lips across his cheek to his ear and let your fingers draw a line from the gap in his shirt, underneath and across his chest, “But you know what’s better than this ass, baby?” You play the seductress with you voice, and you know it does bits to him. 

Your question was rhetoric, but when he doesn’t reply, you can’t help but grab at his belt with a hand and tug his crotch into your leg. He sputters out breathily into your neck, “W-what?”

You lean back, wait for his eyes to open and gage the lust and excitement brewing within them before opening your mouth against his…

“...Tequila shots.” You smack his thigh, turn and are out the door before his erection can say ‘shit’.

Two can play at his game of denial. 

Your all kinds of worked up despite your best efforts, but Mina’s got lime in her mouth and her face crinkled into an expression of disgust as you eye the empty shot glass on the counter, so it’s not like she’s gonna be sniffing out your hormones any time soon. 

“Fucking shit, rancid, I hate it, don’t wanna drink ever, absolutely not,” you laugh at her outburst as you refill her shot glass for yourself. 

“Lightweight,” you tease her as you throw it all back, wincing internally as you feel the hole burn in your throat, but suck it up for the sake of your competitive streak. She merely scoffs at you as the bedroom door swings open, Jungkook - still a fine piece of ass right now - tucking his shirt into his trousers. No way did he just finish himself off in that time, but your eyes travel down to his hard on that is very much still there. You can’t help the smirk.

“Kook, get your shot down you then we’re off,” Mina announces.

“Taxi here already?” he questions but she shakes her head as she now sports a wine bottle in her hand, and clearly a mouth full of wine as she fails to verbalise. 

Shots are down, wine is drunk, and heads are well and truly dizzy when you reach the club. The cab was early much to Mina’s dismay, but that didn’t stop her from grabbing the tequila bottle from Jungkook and downing a healthy portion of the liquid before collapsing in instant regret - ‘we’ve all been there Min’ was your only advice. As for Jungkook. Well, the boy never showed when he was drunk until he would take his shirt off and shout he was wasted, so the only way you could gauge his state was by the way his fingers dug into your thigh the entire journey - you just couldn’t work out whether it was the alcohol or his dick talking.

“Y/NNN!” you hear before see Jimin, despite the music that reverberates through the floor and up your body. As always, he has bottle in hand and a girl in the other, but he releases her to embrace you.

It’s a love, hate with Jimin, but he was Jungkook’s best friend, so there was and could not be bad blood between the two of you - much the same to Jungkook and Mina. Jimin swam as well, so you were no strangers to sharing situations that required great comfort with one alone - such as you in a swimming costume and him in his damn speedos. There was only one thing better than Jimin in speedos though, and that was Jungkook in speedos.

“Where’s your boyfriend, he owes me a fucking drink,” and you point to the bar, where he leans over the counter in all his glory and much to the fortune of your eyes. Jimin escorts himself and the girl he’s with over to the bar before you can catch her name - she’s pretty, though, which is no surprise with Jimin’s taste. 

It takes the next 30 minutes, or possibly longer because alcohol tends to blur hours to minutes before you’ve made conversation with everyone there. It’s almost admin now, having to do the rounds when all the people from swimming go out - a swim captain apparently has certain obligations of seeing everyone had a drink in hand and a ride to go home in. Kook was doing the same too, across the club, slowly but surely making his way towards you as he talked to some of the guys. He’d winked one too many times at you for it to be coincidence, and the alcohol you’d been consuming was screaming out to you now to fuck the pointless conversation and grind on your damn fit boyfriend.

“Fuck Josh, Mel, the boy can’t even get it up, and you’re too much of a hot piece of ass to waste on him,” Mina’s on one of her motivational talks with the social sec, Mel - absolute sweetheart, heart of gold and awful taste in men. Also the subject of Mina’s subconscious flirting for the last hour or so, but you don’t have the heart to tell Mina to stop - she’s drunk and probably horny knowing her.

“Y/N,” you’re face first in your vodka red bull (double), to hear Mina, having zoned out from her pining after she started getting emotional. “Y/N!” You finally ease up on the drink when you hear her this time. 

“Hmm?” mouth half full.

“Have you ever seen someone get eye fucked?” Her eyes flicker from you to something else, but you’re too caught up in the absurdity of her question to notice.

“The fuck?”

“Because I’m watching it happen right now,” and it’s a nod that finally directs your questioning gaze away from your best friend and to a figure at the bar, elbows tucked behind him, a bottle of beer at his side, legs to die for and eyes boring right into yours. He’s playing dirty tonight, is all you think. So despite the way your core tightens and the hair on your neck unknowingly rises, you feed into his game, the cat and mouse kind of thing he seems to be grabbing at, and put up your facade.

You're slow to get to him, but it’s deliberate. And instead of giving in to his gaze or his touch, you place your feet right beside his, leaning towards the bar and into the sight of the bartender. 

It’s the raise of her eyebrows at you and the curt smile that prompts you to talk, “two shots of tequila please,” she begins to spin but you stop her, “oh, and plenty of salt and lime.” 

It takes physical energy not to give in to human instinct - to touch and to grab him, to let go of the role play. 

“Anyone would think you’re ordering for two,” his voice is gravely, and fuck if it doesn’t shoot straight down you. But his comment makes you smile, smirk actually.

“You say that as if I can’t handle my alcohol,” you raise an eyebrow to yourself, still feigning your confidence by not looking his way.

Two shots are lined up in front of you, limes perched on top, and a generously filled salt shaker to the left of them. 

“Well tequila is a dangerous game to play,” you pick up either shot in your hand, and fight the urge to shiver as his words that are breathed against your ear. You round from the side of him, eyes finally lifting to his and filling some void that was there, but by no means lifting any tension between the two of you.

“Then let’s play dangerously,” you say, eyes sultry and him waiting on your every move, “the first one to have their salt, their shot and their lime gone first is the winner..” 

“And what does the winning get?” Damn, he’s eager.

You lean in, but still don’t touch. “That’s for the winner to know, and the loser to find out.” 

You can see a vague pick up in his breathing, a sheen of sweat forming against his brow and a vague smirk pulling at the edges of his mouth. Lifting the lime off your shot, he almost proceeds to do the same, about to take the shot to his lips but you stop him, instead pushing your shot into his vacant hand. The only explanation offered is when you take your lime down the column of your throat and down to your cleavage, before reaching to the salt that’s behind him. You pour a small mound of it onto your finger and follow the path that the lime drew. He eyes you like artwork, and doesn’t lift his gaze from your cleavage where you nestle the lime. 

You pour more salt onto your forefinger, and his eyes finally lift in an expression of confusion, but words evade him - hell, he hasn’t taken a solid breath for the past minute. Slowly, tourturningly, you lean into him, carefully avoiding his shot, and catch his breath hitching as you press the point of your tongue into the base of his neck, dragging it upwards until you meet his jaw. You almost couldn’t stop yourself from proceeding further, drinking in the salty taste of him and eating away at his sanity with your tongue - but you refrain, all in the name of dramatic effect.

“Fuck,” is all he says as he keeps his breath hitched, and you push your finger down the line your tongue drew, spreading salt southwards.

He almost looks tapped out when you take his lime from between you, eyes completely glazed, and fortunately for you they blow out even further when you tug the belt of his trousers and place your lime in the waistband - like his erection wouldn’t have held it up anyways.

Retrieving one of the shots from his grasp, where his knuckles had turned white against the glass, you hold his gaze.

“I think you should go ahead,” you’re more breathy than you realised, even despite it being your game.

“I-I thought,” he has to clear his throat, “it’s who can do it the fastest,” it’s barely even a question with how quiet he mumbled the words - you’re not even sure he knew what he was saying.

“Who said I wanted to win, baby?” And he lets out a moan, a full blown moan before he encases your throat with his mouth, and he’s almost animalistic in the way he growls against your skin at the taste. He bites down when he reaches just above the lime and your eyes roll back unconsciously before opening to see him throw his head back with the shot, not a single wince in his eyes because they are so driven by desire. The shot glass is slammed behind him before he dives into your cleavage to retrieve the lime, and in some display of masculinity that almost has you keening he rips the lime from his mouth and tosses it behind you, juice rolling down his face and onto his jaw to linger with the line of salt that glistens there.

You don’t even realise you're on his throat until the overly salty taste pricks your mouth and you can feel his jaw tense beneath you. You're almost in a haze when the tequila sets your throat ablaze but you become fully conscious of the way he grabs a fistful of your hair, pushes you to the floor until your dress bunches and has you sucking at the lime that rests mockingly above his hard cock. 

By some miracle you find yourself back up at eye level, chests heaving to the point of almost touching, and if you didn’t have a lime in your mouth right now you’d either be swearing obscenely in some gesture of saying ‘your so fucking hot’ or your lips would be around his dick.

With a gulp and a tilt of his head backwards, he gains a level of composure that allows him to ease the lime from your lips with his fingers, letting them brush at your skin to have you shivering.

It’s almost comical the way you both pant, eyes ablaze in each others, and completely oblivious to the outside world and how many, way too many people have seen your display. But there is nothing but the burn in your bodies right now as he grabs your hand wordlessly and drags you as fast as your heels will allow. 

It’s like a switch had flipped in him somewhere back there. Even if this whole thing was roleplay, at least you knew how to play it with your boyfriend back there, knew the way he ticks and what would make his cock twitch - Jungkook’s normally easy to read like that. But when he almost breaks the disabled toilet door down with his hand, there is no game left to play - the restraints are off and the fire of lustful rage is fueled.

“You-” he slams you back against the door before its even swung shut and you can get a single word in. It’s carnal the way he’s latching onto your mouth, grabbing your hands that try to clasp at his neck and throw them up next to your head, and shoves a knee between your sopping thighs.

“I almost fucking came in my trousers back there when you got on your knees,” you don’t think you’ve ever heard his voice so low and rough before but it courses through you more than the heavy bass of the club music. “You had me stood there ready to fuck your mouth open, but you thought you’d fucking tease your way through it.”  

He’s domineering and your completely and utterly keening for it. Even more so when the grip he has on your wrist tightens and brings it down to his crotch, forcing your latch onto the erection that strains sinfully, painfully in his trousers and you feel intimidated enough at his display that you don’t palm him, don’t give him a pleasureful squeeze like you normally would when you had more control of your emotions. But you're shocked and fucked out - beyond that even.

“You feel that shit. Fuck, I’ve never been this hard before,” you moan out lowly, finding it increasingly difficult to control your breathing, the nature of the lust in your body calling out for some friction on your body. But he stands there, eyes ablaze, panting his taunting remarks into your agape mouth. “You’re making it so damn hard not to fuck you.”

“Do it,” you whisper without even knowing and neither does Jungkook because the ringing in both of your ears is deafening.

“I’ve always wanted to see you fall apart around my cock… lose it as I fuck you,” his crotch starts riveting into your hand and you know he’s imaging what it would feel like with his dick nestled deep in your walls right now, “God I want to pound into you.”

“Fuck.”

Fuck, because never have his words been so dirty before.

“You’re so damn hot I actually can’t control myself right now,” and his dick follows his words. Your hand now acts as your pussy - in his head anyway - as the friction of his trousers begins sending him neck deep in pleasure. 

You actually think you could come from watching it. How his head now bows into your neck and his teeth set into your skin because he can’t even control how slack his jaw has become. The way he’s getting harder and harder against your hand and his movements are constantly seeking more. Fucking hell, you’re both fully clothed, his dicks rock hard in his pants but he’s so pent up on you and the desire you’ve caused that he’s chasing an orgasm basically untouched. 

“I- oh fuck.”

“Come on baby,” you feed him, words moaned against his ear and hand flattening more purposefully against him, “fuck me harder.”

“Argh- fuc-fucking hell,” he’s spurred on by the illusion you offer. His eyes rolled back in his head as he imagines the feeling of being balls deep in you. 

“Think how good I’d feel. Fuck, you’d be so deep uhh,” you moan out at the end as the harshness of the way his hips snap into yours causes your hand nestled between you to deliciously rub on your clit. 

You hadn’t realised that your dress had ridden up in the commotion of you sex driven states, that your ass was pressed up against the cool surface and gave you goosebumps despite the way you body oozes heat, that you panties were so wrecked by your arousal that your hand might as well be rubbing you raw. And with Jungkook’s quickening pace, the friction against your clit makes you all too driven to seek your end as well as his. It’s filthy.

“Ko-uh. Fuck, Kook, I need you fingers- ah,” your walls are throbbing at the thought, but his teeth remain deep set in the junction between your neck and shoulder, his hips still thrusting up and into your hand, so you think you’re desire has gone unheard.

But all too quickly, he forgets the end he was chasing. 

Suddenly, he backs away from you, leaving you untouched and leaning forward into the air, whilst his cock screams in the confines of his trousers. He growls at the way he had to stop himself from cumming too soon.

“Baby,” it’s a whine from the back of your throat that you had no plan to release. But the way your chest heaves and your thighs cross one another for friction just spells to you and him just how inflamed your body is. 

His eyes move away from your desperate ones, and his neck reclines back as he swallows - trying with all his strength to keep it together, to not cum from merely watching your cleavage, drenched in his and your sweat, rise and fall with the way your breathing staggers. Watching him is torture for yourself, but you don’t want to miss the way his cock throbs. 

You have no idea how long you’re there, him grappling at his sanity and you watching him.

“Baby, I-”

“Fuck, don’t talk,” his face almost contorts in pain and his head lowers into his chest to halt his urge to look at you. 

But, you’re horny and you're a brat, so you persist.

“Jungkook, I need you right now.”

Silence falls for a mere second.

Like a man possessed he lunges back towards your body, and before you can react he’s on his knees violently pushing the thin fabric of your dress up and ripping your panties down your legs.

“What don’t you understand about shut the fuck up.” And with that he’s on your clit, hands shoving your legs in opposite directions and over his shoulders so you lose your balance and end up speared on his tongue.

“Kook!” It’s a cry that’s shouted into the air when your head is thrown back - a reaction to both the immense feeling that tightens at your core and a warning to the man below you that you might just crush him.

But he’s devouring your pussy whole. He’s no longer tending to your clit, but lapping his tongue up and down the entire expanse of your slit, letting the muscle of his tongue slip into your entrance making your stomach drop every time. He’s hellbent on making you cum that’s for sure, because no matter the tug of your hands at his scalp to let up even just a little, he’s growling into you and plunging deeper. 

You want to pull away, to finally take a break from the intense pressure on your core or maybe to breathe for the first time since he decided to drop to his knees. But you’re feet don’t touch the ground, literally, and he’s suspending you on his tongue. 

His hands push you down further onto him and he growls into you, vibrations coursing through you that almost makes you cum then and there. But he breaks away.

“Fuck,” he sounds fucked out himself, taking in all the air he can, because god knows he was eating your pussy like it was oxygen. “Baby, you gotta cum on my tongue, please.” 

He was the one eating you out, yet you had him pleading. Boy always did submit in the end, whether he liked it or not.

“Fingers then. Use your fingers,” and he obeys, releasing your thigh in favour of thrusting two of his digits deep into you. All your weight goes onto his shoulders and the two fingers set so far into your womb that you were crying out in pleasure. It wasn’t until his mouth resumed sucking on your clit that you lost all control of your tongue and rambled into the air like a mad woman. 

“F-Fuckkk Kook. I want ah- fuck I want your cum inside me. I want your dick so bad,” he’s moaning with you and with your words, being spurred on by the image you paint. He curls his fingers deep inside you, and you lose yourself on the feeling - being so stimulated that you miss the fact you’re grinding on his face, thrusting up as if his fingers were really his cock. He’s moaning at it, at the way your pace picks up on his tongue and you’re seeking your end.

“Don’t stop, oh fuck, oh fuck, please- don’t stop.”

You’re driving yourself deeper and deeper into him and fuckkk if the pleasure hasn’t taken over your senses beyond belief. Your stomach pulls so tight with the need to release that you’re grappling at the strands of hair on the back of your boyfriend’s head and using them to anchor yourself. He’s purely a mouth and two fingers to fuck yourself on at this moment and you couldn’t stop yourself even if you tried.

“Shit, fuckk,” his fingers start going at a rate, not even your hips can keep up with, and he’s so deep you almost choke like the pressure inside you has reached up into your throat.

“Come on baby, fuck,” his gravelly voice seeks out for you to come all over him.

“Holy fuckin-” the feeling comes on so intense inside of you that you struggle to warn him, your breathing constricted almost into nothingness. You feel like you’re about to cum with such strength that you might die.

“I can’t Kook- oh fuckk.”

“Give it to me.”

His teeth clamp down on your clit at the same time as his fingers curl against that spot inside you that suddenly has everything spiralling at once. 

“Don’t stoppp, don’t stop, oh fuck,” you sputter into the air as a band snaps in your lower stomach, blood pumping everywhere and anywhere in your body so that your hips begin spasming and convulsing on top of his mouth. 

He whines into you as his mouth keep fastening all too strongly against your bud. It’s when the pressure that keeps falling in your stomach and Kook is forced to pull his fingers out of you that you feel your juices spill and keep spilling all over you and him.

“Holy fuck baby… Y/N shit.”

You tumble further and further and miss the noises that are pushed from your throat. In the intensity of the pleasure you also miss the way Jungkook’s body, his tongue on your clit, his fingers on your thigh and the ones lodged deep inside you, all tense up. 

Shit.

You wonder if you’ve blacked out when the slump of your body takes over, the eventual air you take in in one large breath making your senses begin to come back all too strong. You’re broken from the waist down, legs numb to the point you can barely feel Jungkook’s teeth tight on your thigh and breath glazing the skin strongly. Shit, you can’t even feel how wet you are yet.

You know the weight he’s bearing on his shoulders, but you can’t muster the strength to move, merely loosening your hands from how tight they were wound in his locks and instead soothing down to his neck with your trembling fingers. 

Finally, the spin in your head stops and your eyes are open enough so that you can look down at the sight below you.

He’s breathless and wet. Wet from sweat and the way you’d just squirted all over his tongue, fingers and trousers - well that’s what you figure anyways. His eyes are sewn shut though in the aftermath of it all, and your thoughts begin to piece together.

“Baby, you good?” you’re scared he has too much literal weight on his shoulders. You’re also scared he’s still painfully hard. “Kook?” and finally a coherent mumble of ‘yeh’ against your thigh tells you, no, you didn’t just kill your boyfriend by cumming on his face.

It’s a slow process the way he lets your legs down, and you wince as he does so because you swear his fingers just split you open. You also forgot about the heels practically taped to your feet, stumbling a little one foot at a time as he lowers you off his shoulders.

His eyelids still hang low, and he makes no move to join you at eye level, instead, pressing his face into your thigh and running his ragged breath there for too long. 

“Fuck, seriously, you good baby?” your pussy still throbs, but your boyfriend is too still for you to take notice.

And suddenly he’s laughing. Wholeheartedly laughing into your skin, back, that’s slicked with sweat, raising up and down as he does so.

“Shit,” is all he says when his eyes, crinkled in laughter and exhaustion finally meet yours, peering up from his squat. It’s infectious and has you laughing too, albeit half heartedly because your throat hurts and you’re not sure if your lungs can take much more unnatural breathing.

“You literally just made me cum in my pants.”

Fuck. You’re eyes bulge and pass between the look of disbelief of his face, to the, now, very noticeable stain on his crotch, and back again. Boy literally just came untouched because you can still feel the imprint of one hand on your thigh and you’re pretty sure the other hand was occupied if you remember correctly.

“What the fuck!” Is all you can say.

“Yeh, I know ‘what the fuck!’ Sorry but since when could you squirt.” His legs are still shaking beneath him. “It made me just fucking shoot my load on sight.”

You’re laughing, bending at the waist to help the poor boy up to his feet, and he accepts the help as he finally towers over you and meets your eyes - both looking at each other with warmth and a vague emotion of disbelief, because as if he just came in his pants!

“Seriously, don’t know what the hell you just did to me, but I don’t think I’ll ever be that turned on ever in my life again,” he’s sputtering out now like a boy charged on drained hormones and ageing drunkness. 

You laugh at his state and the way his eyes still bulge, grabbing the skin of his neck that’s thick with sweat and push a kiss to his lips. It doesn’t linger because you’re too spent and oxygen is like gold dust to you right now.

“So you enjoyed yourself I’m guessing?”

“Fucking hell did I!” You both can’t stop the way your laughter spills at the situation. 

You see his shoulders eventually relax, his breathing less frequent and the look in his eyes turns soft. 

“Fuck, I’m so in love with you.” Despite your heart still beating like it’s on steroids, you feel it skip a beat, equal to the way you can’t help the tug on the corners of your mouth. 

“Cringy bastard,” you whisper next to his lips, a whole new warmth spreading through you at the way his eyes are filled with adoration.

“Only for you.”

“You make me sick.” But in your head, you’re saying the opposite, because you can’t fight the blush despite how generic his cringe worthy compliments hit.

With clothes vaguely realigned, you’re ready to join society once again, albeit hobbling, but your boyfriend refuses to break the bubble you’re in for just a second longer.

“Say it back.” And when you turn from the door to him, he’s actually pouting, eyes a little less bright as though you’re unspoken words have hit harder than you realised. “Please.”

Your relationship with Kook was built off backhanded compliments and competitive sarcasm, both equally easy-going people with a knack for not taking anything seriously. It was how you two worked. But there’s some things you can’t feign, and the way he said “I love you” with deliberate sadness was one of those things, because hell, you sure loved him too.

His cheeks nestled in both of your palms now as your soft eyes met his ones, vulnerable with the way he’d bared himself and pleaded after you, you spoke softly.

“I love you.”

---------------------------------------------------------

“Fuck you, Kook. Stop acting like you own me.”

“Then don’t try to sleep with the whole swim team.”

Dick.

This shit is rare. Fighting Jungkook is rare. But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen. Because whilst you’re both too easy going for your own good and take most things on the chin, jealousy hurts like a bitch. 

“Jesus you’re fucking testing my patience.” You settle yourself deep in his kitchen, long strides over there because his presence alone is making you want to rip hairs out of your skull. But he’s there soon after, leaning to try to get into your line of sight as you busy yourself with a glass and fuck, where’s that bottle of wine.

“Nah, don’t act like I’m pushing you. I asked you why Jimin’s asking to meet you, and you can’t come up with a damn straight answer or show me your phone.” You find the wine in the fridge, pretending Jungkook is background noise like the petty bitch you are, but his words are ringing in your head louder than you care for. “Don’t treat me like I’m delusional.” 

You slam the bottle down a little too hard on the counter and his eyes jump to the sound. But your expression is dead set, angry, persistent, but he’d say stubborn.

“You’re actually dumb. The whole fucking issue is that I shouldn’t have to tell you why someone texts me or not.” His mouth opens to argue but you’re off on one, “Whether it’s Jimin, whether it’s my mum, whether it was your fucking maintenance guy, it’s my phone, don’t check it, and don’t pretend you’re entitled to.” 

His eyes narrow and you almost think there’s something in him contemplating your words, maybe, just maybe trying to hear you out and understand where you’re coming from. But if you were stubborn, then Jungkook was competitive - he wouldn't stop until you thought he was right.

“Why the fuck did he text you.”

You want to scream. You want to smash his glass against the floor and scream fucking murder. But instead you find your body tensing and you face heating up with the need to cry. He’s getting in your head and you hate it, because he’s never like this. He’s easy. He’s such good company and probably your best friend but why is he making it so hard to like, let alone love him right now.

“Fuck it. Here,” you fish in your pocket, eyes still on his despite the feeling of them heating up and the wetness pooling. You unlock your phone and push it to his chest. “God knows, we were just trying to arrange something for your birthday without you finding out, but you and your fucking jealousy can’t take that, can they Kook?”

You have so much more to say. Your head is spinning with the need to empty your gut of all the words you want to throw at him. About how jealousy is certainly not a virtue in this case, about how you can’t bear that he doesn’t trust you despite all you’ve given up for him, about how damn unfair he is being right now. But you hit his shoulder with yours and are half walking half running to his bathroom before you can contemplate what you’re doing.

“Y/N, fuck,” and of course now he’s apologetic. Calling after you in a tone that screams innocence but to you, he is anything but that right now.

You close the door with haste and push your back against it even faster. 

The worst part is you’re not even that angry anymore. The tears fall in sadness. 

“Baby,” his knock rattles the door but only gently in an attempt to be sensitive with you. He’s fucked up and he knows that, but there’s a combination of not wanting him to see you cry and the need to be away from him for a minute that has you still sitting by the door, not making any attempt to open it.

“Baby, I didn’t know- I wouldn’t have.”

“Jungkook can you give it a rest for one minute,” you sound pained. You feel it as well. Maybe you’re overreacting, you think, as you hear him sigh and mumble an ‘okay’ before his footsteps peter out into another room. 

You cry more and continue to do so as you begin to run the bath, and then more tears flow when you watch yourself in the mirror as you tug at your stained cheeks with a cloth. Your tears are still wet on your cheeks when you lower yourself into the warm water and become absorbed in the feeling of it, melting away until you fall into the slumber of sleep. It’s the same slumber that doesn’t cause you to be startled when the door creaks open, your boyfriend pausing to take in your state before he strips himself down to join you.

You know he’s there when he gently sinks into the water behind you, but you make no attempt to move out of the way his knees encase you. His touch is apprehensive and careful, and you can practically hear the thoughts in his head move at a thousand miles an hour.

You know Jungkook. You know all too well that right now, he’s cut up inside, thinking of every way possible to take back time and to undo the stupid shit he was spouting earlier. He’s thinking about how fucked up he was to let jealousy do that to him, to get the better of his, and he’s thinking of every which way to make it right to you. You know, because you’re the same. We’re all in the wrong at some point, and everyone is more than the worst thing they’ve ever done.

So you grab at his hands that still hover in the air with unspoken uncertainty and you pull them to yourself, tight, and on your neck there is a desperate sigh of relief.

“I’m so sorry,” his tone is so apologetic you almost start crying all over again, but exhaustion and the need to forgive are all too strong. “Y/N, I’m so sorry, I-”

You know there are more words he wants to say, maybe to show you how bad he feels, maybe he’ll try and justify himself, but either way, you’re pushover ass forgave him before the argument even happened. You also simply like the boy too goddamn much to see him splutter in your neck because he’s scared he’ll lose you.

With your lips pressed to the back of his hands that you’ve encased in yours, you mutter, “Shhh, I know you are.” 

The water sloshes in the distance somewhere as he pulls you tighter to him like you’re an anchor and if he lets you go he’ll be lost. Kisses are placed down your neck gently and you let your eyes flutter shut again because you can’t lie in that he is the most comforting place to you right now.

Silence falls but not uncomfortably, fingers brushing skin like its china and breathing soft as you both give into each others touch.

“I don’t know what I ever did to deserve you.”

Maybe you are too forgiving Your mother always told you you were - ‘people won’t be so kind to your patience one day Y/N.’ - that’s what she’d told you. And she’s probably right that one day you’ll come to find that you’ve been used and abused for all the ‘it's okay’s’ and ‘I forgive you’s’ you’d uttered. But you didn’t use forgiveness as an easy way out, you used it when it was deserved. And Jungkook’s jealousy, whilst fucking annoying, was a human instinct - possibly more of a male instinct than female, you think - but it’s a natural reaction all the same. Compromise instead of conclusion.

“You have to start trusting me, you know.”

“I know,” a hasty response, maybe because he actually has realised he needs to trust you or maybe he just doesn’t want to prolong discussion. You hope and believe the first,

“You can’t keep this jealousy thing up. Particularly not with Jimin, I don’t want to be the reason your shit is ruined, it’s too good.”

The two of them best friends from the womb. But boys apparently will be boys and think any dick that goes near their girlfriend is aiming for one place and one place only, whether 21 years into friendship or not.

“I know.” The repeat of words makes you think he’s not listening to you, but then he sighs. “It’s just- I can’t- Fuck! He drives me up the wall, says all kinds of shit behind your back and mine about how fit you are because he knows it grills me.” This is new. “And then he sends you texts when I didn’t even know you had each others number and you won’t tell me what they are. It just fucked with my head and when you end up picturing the worst it’s hard to get that picture out of your head.”

It made sense, and he was getting angry with himself by the way his tone spiked, so you diffuse the tension.

“Hmm but if you weren’t so jealous your birthday wouldn’t have been ruined,” you feel his head slump and then he laughs, and you laugh, and then he’s squeezing you and forcing your eyes to his.

“You make me mental that’s why,” you’re close but he makes no move to kiss you, “and I’m sorry that I got like that when I had no reason to do so. I’ll change that I promise,”  he sounded sincere, looked sincere, and you’re a sucker for the way he’s naked and so close his breath hits your smile that you’re kissing him before you can feign trust. 

-------------------------------------------------------------

“You know you almost got me in big shit the other day,” the bell rings above your head as you and Jimin leave the cold in favour of the warmth of the bar. Thursday nights didn’t call for many people, so you found a seat easily at a booth, casual wear on and smile dancing across that idiots face.

“Kook told me.” Of course he did, “As if he got his dick caught between his legs because I sent you a text. Like does he really think I’d shag you.”

You scoff, “Cheers for that.”

“You know what I mean. If I got the chance I’d fucking take it, but Kook’s my brother,” and to be fair you did know what he meant. In fact it was a miracle Jungkook had been all calm and breezy when you’d told him you were meeting Jimin for drinks - maybe it was this new thing he was trying called ‘play it cool and let her do her own thing’ - even so, you liked it. 

You end up ordering beers, after all, it is only a Thursday so that means no hard spirits, but it’s also the afternoon so that means alcohol.

“I’m glad to hear you’re not gonna pounce Jim.” He laughs, you laugh, thank god, because ever since you and Jungkook had shouted about the texting and Jimin issue, you were scared you’d have to keep a distance from the boy to prevent awkwardness. “How you been anyways?”

“Is that another way of saying who’ve I fucked since we last spoke,” his eyebrows wiggle like he’s got something to be proud about.

“Jesus, you only do think with your dick don’t you?” 

“Come onn, ask me who I took home the other night,” he’s leaning forward with a smile that you want to smother, but you humour him for the sake of conversation.

“Which unlucky bird shared your bed the other night then?” You say it with a downward tone to express your distaste for the way your conversation has headed. You also nod a thank you to the waiter who’d brought beers over, pint on either side of the table.

“Well, maybe you should ask your roommate.”

Beer must fly out of your nose, mouth and ears with the way you choke. Literally, you’re spluttering everywhere and he’s laughing and you’re sure it’s a sick joke, but his smile says otherwise.

“She’s fucking gay!” That’s all you come up with. You know your roommate like the back of your hand, or so you think, and every part of you is wracking every part of your brain right now for some conversation where she said she’d shag Jimin, or shag a guy in fact. Nope, nothing.

“I thought so too, clearly she didn’t.” You’re angry at him by the way you scoff and take another long sip of your beer but you don’t even know why. Maybe you’re angry at her, but that also kind of feels invalid.

“As if she didn’t tell me.” He just shrugs. “... nah what the fuck man!” 

“Listen, talk to her about it. I’m pretty sure I was mad drunk, so was she, and she left before I woke up so…” The last bit sounds about right, Mia was never one for sticking around for morning cuddles, but it’s all just wrong and it’s stewing in your head like a bad memory. 

You're still questioning your entire existence it seems like when the conversation moves onto why you’re really here, or as Jimin says it, “So if the fucker knows we’re doing something for his birthday now, does that mean we actually have to do it?” 

God, he’s hard to talk to. You find yourself for half your conversations with Jimin either saying ‘fuck off’ or your scoffing. You do the latter now.

“We were doing something anyway, don’t act like you don’t care. But yeh, he knows, so why don’t we just fucking put in money for alcohol and bud and hit up the beach or something at Hobi’s. Simples.”

Jimin downs his pint - it’s a Thursday and you don’t know why - and then nods, “Yeh, sounds like I can fuck with that. But let’s tell Taehyung cos he’s rich and loves weed more than the next person.”

----------------------------------------------------------

Like hell was there booze and weed. Taehyung had done the most, with Namjoon, and there was enough for 200 people to get fucked 10 times over, which with the 70 people that were apparently already at the beach, seemed like a mass death wish.

Hoseok, poor Hoseok, was hosting. You’d asked and he’d accepted like the selfless man he is and also because he loves Jungkook like a mother loves her child. It wasn’t his uni place, but his parent's beach house on the part of the coast where the beach stretched 20 yards deep and the water felt like the arctic on your skin, but even so, the parties out there were sick. 

You can just tell by the boyish grin on your boyfriends face he knows exactly the way this route takes you, the taxi driver, however, keeps giving you evils through the mirror probably because this journey is long and you’re not even on a real road at this point. But the vodka already in your system means you don’t care and you hold Jungkook’s hand in full-fledged excitement.

You swear you’re not corny.

He keeps his hand in yours even when you pay the driver, and tightens it further when everyone around the back of the cabin rings out in a chorus of ‘surprise’. He even holds your hand when he’s handed both a beer and a joint, somehow juggling them both in his free one.

Somewhere along the line between sharing conversations and drinking yourself silly, he whispers a ‘thank you’ in your ear, and presses a grateful kiss onto your lips.

The sun had been low for a while, with the expanded horizon offering the perfect view to watch it set. 

Still not corny, you promise.

But the smoke flowing through your system and the light hum of alcohol to accompany it just doesn’t allow for you to leave his side. Even through conversation after conversation, ‘happy birthday’ handshakes that made him switch which hand he was holding you with just so he didn’t let go, and even when the boys attempted a birthday bumps, you were there, glued tight.

“Fuck it, I wanna skinny dip!” Oh Jimin, oh that poor poor boy and his utterly delusional brain.

“Mate, that’s the high talking, leave it out.” You’re glad your boyfriend speaks sense when intoxicated because Tae’s there behind him clapping his back, encouraging him.

“Jim, legit 5 degrees right now, your dick’ll fall off if you go anywhere close to the sea.” And Namjoon, also ever with the straight head. Ah, you say that, but when you turn to the geez he chucks the small end of a lit blunt in his mouth and then swallows it down with beer - I guess his head will be going sideways now, in T-minus 5 seconds.

“You guys are pussys, my dick’ll just shrivel a bit…” 

“Fucking rancid, don’t wanna hear it.” Throwing your half empty beer can also seems to do the trick of shutting him up about his dick as he hangs his jaw that’s dripping with beer, warm from being half finished.

“Bitch.”

“Oi! None of that, Park.” Jungkook’s tone is serious but he’s smiling all the same, content in the setting he’s in, not despite of but because of the deluded conversation, the weird dynamic you guys all have, the way he’s just himself, and the fact you’re there too, with a vice grip on his hand.

It’s all breathy laughs and the occasional pressing of lips on your neck from where you’re sat on your boyfriend’s lap, as the conversation delves from somewhere between Jimin’s sex life (surprise surprise) to what Hoseok would look like on steroids - the mutual group decision, so, so, wrong. 

“Baby, I wanna get going.” 

“Hm?” You were caught in laughter and didn’t think you heard him right, so you turn in his lap to throw an arm around his shoulder, all eyes and ears for your man.

“I kind of wanna get going home.”

You’re surprised, looking through the glaze in his eyes to see if he’s too stoned or not having a good time, but you just see him content gaze, boring adoration into yours. Leaving now would also make you the first to leave, and it was his party.

“You wanna go like right now, right now?”

“Mmm,” and there’s something you can't pinpoint in his expression, apprehension maybe.

“Okay, should I be worried? You’re good right?” 

And his head drops to make you think ‘shit’, but then he’s laughing, shoulders shaking under your tense arms before he grabs at your face and places a kiss on either cheek. The blush creeps up on you before you can hide your face in his shoulder.

“I’m fine, so good.”  It’s almost a shout of a confession as he throws his head back to demonstrate the emotion behind the words, but the way his smile lifts to his eyes tells you all you need to know. You’re still not quite getting why the happy boy you’re perching on wants to ditch his own surprise party, but each to their own, you think.

“Okay? You’re sure you don’t want to stay?”

Affirming you’re correct with a head shake, he leans in once again, squeezing at your sides ungraciously tight before smashing his lips to yours in a rough, open mouthed kiss that is neither something you were ready for or something you’re about to do with Jimin and Namjoon next to you.

So, you’re both laughing, him attempting to plaster his lips to your face and you swatting as his arm that fixes you in place to him.

“Kook fu- baby,” you begin to scramble away and he lets you, laughing out at the way you flatten your hair and fumble at you jeans as a means to compose yourself, “Time and a place, you dick.”

Stares and smiles are all you give each other as the ambient sounds of others continue around you. It’s like that with him - the world keeps buzzing around you but you’re not in that world, you’re somewhere too deep in his.

Please believe me, you’re not cringy!

“Come back,” hand out, legs spread wide to make room for you and you cannot help the way your feet appease his every word.

You’re eyes down on him, and his up at you, blown full with love, lust and everything in between and you settle in the warmth of his proximity and in the heat of his gaze.

“I love you.”

So you kiss him, because, “I love you too Kook.”

“Now order that fucking taxi, I wanted to go all of two hours ago.” And there he is, earning himself another smack to the arm.

“You bastard, you’re lucky I’m whipped.”

“Yeh you fucking are Y/N!” Jimin can suck a dick, the wanker. Throwing a final middle finger up to the offending boy and holding the other hand out for your boyfriend, you get onto the route home.

Silence is not always a bad thing. You’d told yourself that the whole way home. You especially knew how car journeys when inconceivably high and drunk could make the head spin and the voice mute, but neither of you were inconceivably high or drunk. His hand was still there on yours from beach to taxi, taxi to apartment, apartment to bedroom, but the smile was gone. 

“Baby, what’s wrong, talk to me.”

“Mmm?” Playing it off, yet he still won’t look at you - the boy never could do confrontation or telling you what he wants.

He’s across the room, carrying the tea he’d made you to your side of the bed when you told him you’d felt a headache coming on. And you’re there just watching, the moping, the shrug and the way he now stops as you reach out your hand to tug at his shirt. 

“Oi, look at me.” Eventually, and what looks like with effort, he does. “You gonna talk to me now, or what?” And you begin to worry at the way his gaze digs into your face, eyes pouring emotion that is scattered in so many different directions you can’t keep up. Is he sad? Nervous? Why would he be nervous?

“I love you.” There’s more to be said just in the way those three words come out, and it scares you.

“Okayy…”

“Like I really love you. So much sometimes I don’t know what I’m doing with you.”

“Koo-” He grabs at your neck and finally takes control of his voice, no longer apprehensive and filled with mixed signals, but so affirmative that it takes every word from your mouth.

“You’ve waited for me Y/N. So fucking long. I’ve been shit to you as well recently. I just can’t fathom that you’re here and you’re mine and it fucking scares me, you have to get that.” Eyes well on both his and your side, as words unspoken, are finally spilt. Maybe it’s the occasion or the alcohol but you don’t care. “Everything about you is everything I ever want and what happens if I fuck it up and lose it. I can’t lose you.”

“I can’t lose you.” It’s a mantra spoken by him on so many occasions, like if he says it, it’ll never happen.

“And what if I feel the same, Kook.” Forehead to forehead now and so deep into the caverns of his eyes, you’d give him your whole soul if he asked. 

“You do?.. Feel the same?” You’re sure he knows you do. You’re sure he hasn’t been deaf to the thousands of ‘I love you’s’ and wholehearted confessions made by you. But he’s fragile to the extent that he needs to hear it. Needs to hear you say that you’re willing to lose everything here.

In a passing breath you whisper your confession, “yes,” and he squeezes at the hairs at the back of your neck that stand on end with every goosebump in your body. 

The tears fall just as he puts his lips to yours and oxygen becomes gold dust with the way you’re so breath taken. But it’s the happy kind of breath taken, that feeling right before christmas as a kid when you know everything’s waiting for you on the other side of sleep, that feeling where the sinking dries up in your stomach and every fibre of you body buzzes uncontrollably, the kind of breath taken where you smile and laugh in full-fledged giddiness.

Pulling away, you do just that, laugh against his mouth, smile without thought, and despite the tears that drip onto your lips you keep kissing at him, peck after peck because he’s laughing and crying with you.

Fuck, this was the moment you were converted to cringe. You didn’t give two shits about it either.

“I thought you were about to fucking break up with me, you absolute knob!” He thumb scoops up the tears as he laughs at you, sniffling to himself in the emotion of the moment that you two were still somewhere swept up in.

“You’re an idiot.” 

“Maybe.” 

Before the last tear is swept away at the motion of his thumb on your cheek, Kook ducks down and sweeps you up, over his shoulder and then with a not so forgiving thump to your back, you hit the bed - looks like he forgot his bed was made of fucking rocks, great for sex though, no squeak. And suddenly it dawns on you as hard as you just hit that mattress. That look in his eyes, now, earlier at the beach, the entire strung out fucking monologue he just gave you. All in the name of sex. 

“Can we- you want to- do it.” 

Fuck, it’s actually happening.

You suppress the butterflies with a laugh that surfaces from the way he stutters. 

“Well, what the fuck dyou want me to say. We’ve waited 5 months and you want me to just say, ‘oi Y/N, let me fuck you’.” 

But the laughing doesn’t seize. 

“I’m sure fucking not saying I want to make love to you, because imagine that gettin relayed to the boys. Instantly my dick goes from a 7 on hard to a 5.”

“Aw babe, give yourself credit, you’re at least a 5 and a half.”

“Bitch.” 

And with that he presses his full weight into you, smiling into the kiss that sucks deep into your lips, harsh but tender in all the right places. It turns you on the way he goes slow with you, maps outlines on your skin with his touches, and it makes you even hornier when his boner slowly grows into the meat of your thigh. 

It’s a moan in response to him biting your lip that has him off you and flipping the position so you straddle him. But tight jeans don’t accommodate for being on top, the fucking inconvenient bitch, so it’s with the slow teasing pace, that he seems to be going for, that you take as the jeans come off. 

“Fuck,” is whispered somewhere between you purchasing yourself right on his crotch and the way you raise you crop top over naked breasts. 

This is not uncharted territory. The two of you aren’t nuns who have abstained from everything and anything in your relationship. No, you’re far from holy. But the way your boyfriend gapes, eyes blown and breathing sharp, he’s like a virgin on steroids.

When you lean into his body, claiming his lips once again you notice the shaking, the way his body uncontrollable shivers underneath you despite the perspiration that soaks through his shirt.

“Baby, you’re shaking,” you whisper into his mouth, and he simply nods a frantic ‘yes’ against you. “Kook, calm down, relax, baby,” and after grasping gently at his chin to pry his lips off yours, you find his gaze, eyes blown in lust and fear. 

“Okay? I’m all yours,” you take his hand and lead it to your breast, then ushering it towards the steady beat of your heart, felt beneath trembling fingertips. “All yours.”

Running your hands over the tension in his biceps, you attempt to put him at ease with the roll of your hips. His bulge hadn’t gone unnoticed for a second and it was perfectly place with the tip resting on your clit, that you could probably both go to town like that - who said romance was dead! 

“Fuck Y/N.” 

“There you go,” you push him on, sucking into the rift between his neck and his shoulders and strong arms now scoop over and round to your ass. The squeeze is convincing, hard enough that you don’t fight back the moan and hard enough that your hips move that little bit harsher. 

Breaths are heavy in your ear as you find yourself slipping deeper into the pleasure of the moment, but you know he’ll never take the initiative and make the first move.

“You’re so hard Kook.”

A groan in all he responds as you hit that spot just on his tip that he loves so much.

“I want you so bad.”

“Fuck, me too,” and desperation for more than the slow grind you opted for overcomes him. Lips latch onto yours in a harsh display as he flips you once again. 

You can’t help but smirk to yourself, pure filthy excitement taking over the fibres of your body as he stares down at you now, hungry and horny.

“Fuck, I’ve wanted this so bad for so long Y/N you have no idea.” 

“Off,” and he gets the message with how his shirt is off and somewhere across the room without his dick leaving its place nestled in your crotch.

“I’ve been dying to have you, all of you.” His teeth are clawing at the skin of your neck as he pants out his dirty confession to the rhythm of his hips. 

“You’ve been dying to fuck me, Kook?” It’s a teasing tone, but there’s no hiding the breathiness behind your voice.

“Fuck yeh.”

“Then go ahead and fuck me.”

When his gaze meets yours, his eyes are wide and disbelieving. But you’re more focused on the stain of his lips from sunken teeth and the way his hair sticks to his face from sweat. You also haven’t failed to miss the bare, toned torso pressed neatly onto your chest - abs to die for and v lines that leave the eyes wandering an unholy amount of southward.

“You want me to go in raw?” You feign laughter at how giddy he looks at the prospect.

“Birth controls a saint innit.”

“Fuck, I’m scared I’ll come in two seconds.” Great turn on. You think, you don’t say.

His trousers are off fast but when it comes to your panties, he’s calculated in the way he lowers himself to eyes level with your core, breathing haphazardly in his lust induced state into the material that he proceeds to run down the length of your leg and off at your feet.

Eyes trail up your body as he crawls his way back to your now exposed core, “Jesus, you’re so sexy.” 

“Jungkook! What would God say if he heard you talk about his son that way!”

His head literally drops and he groans, as if the turn off button hadn’t already been switched when he told you he’d blow his load as soon as dick met pussy.

“I literally have no words Y/N.” 

“Well, you better put that mouth to better use then baby.”

“Bitch.”

But his tongue is darted out and into your folds, no matter the reluctance, and he soon finds that same taste, bitter and sweet all at once that draws him in every fucking time.

“Fuck Kook.” The reaction is instant, spine arched away from the mattress as his tongue sets to work inside you, darting in and out so fast that your hips couldn’t keep up if they tried. It’s when he flattens it against your clit and the hand once pinning down a thigh pushes two fingers in so fucking deep that the moans spill. 

“Shit that’s tight,” he mutters to himself more than anyone as his delving fingers reach that spot that has you stringing his name and curses into an aimless sentence. And the scene below you is even hotter than the feeling at your core, Jungkook, nestled between your legs with lips to clit, hand to pussy, and hips rutting desperately into the mattress. He’s a whole fucking view and it has you keening with your hands rooted in his hair that are telling him wordlessly not to let up.

When his eyes meet yours, you knows its game over, smirk overtaking his features as his fingers piston and fuck you open, thumb taking over the role his lips had on your clit just so he gets to watch you fall apart under him.

“That’s it baby, cum for me.”

“Holy fuc- shitt. Jungkook.” And your moans are the hottest things he’s ever heard as you tumble into a hell of a fucking orgasm. Shocks ripple through your body with the rate of his fingers and everything pulses as you cum, and keep fucking cumming.

Kook can barely help the way his cock seeks better friction against the mattress because of the bliss written on your face. And he almost forgets to let up on the frantic way his fingers still fuck you because your glistening chest lifting up and down in the light has his focus completely elsewhere. 

“Kook, I can’t.”

“Sorry baby,” he lets up with one final kiss to your clit, the jolt of pain and pleasure causing you to whine briefly. His cock twitches at the sound.

“Y/N I’m so hard, please.” 

You drag him up with the hand still woven deep in his locks so he’s eye level, and dick level with the place he wants it most. Wordlessly and still driven by the buzz from your orgasm, your hand guides him into you and fuck if the moan against your mouth isn’t the best thing you’ve ever heard.

“Holy fuck.” Nestling his head into the crook of your neck with deep breaths to accompany it, you can tell he’s trying to hold back the feeling of his balls tightening and ignore the way you still pulse from your orgasm. It’s tight and it’s so fucking bare because he’s never gone raw before. Fuck, neither of you have had sex in six months so the feeling might just make you both combust on the spot.

“Slowly baby, it’s been a while.” You’d known he’d reach your stomach just from the way he fucked your throat every other day - his girth is nothing far from impressive and it’s stretching you without even moving.

Light kisses press their way from neck to jaw to mouth as he pulls out to the hilt and then back in, slowly, tantalising slowly so that you both moan into the other's mouths, breathy and completely consumed by the feeling of each other.

“Fuck I’m never gonna get enough of this now.”

“Mmm,” you really hoped he wouldn’t.

“God I love you so much, your pussy is actual heaven.” And you hate to say the way the praise goes straight to your core, but your boyfriend can most certainly tell from the clench you hold his dick in. “Fuckkk, so good.”

It’s slow and it’s deep and he’s hitting your g-spot and clit with every roll of his hips. Throughout the murmurs of affection and sex filled admissions, you grasp at each other's skin, his hands pulling your hair so your mouth meets his and your hands across the muscles in his back that flex under your fingers with each thrust. 

It’s when he drags one hand to your throat and grips at it to balance his sped-up movements that you’re finding yourself teetering towards the edge again, spilling words never spoken and sounds never heard but he’s saving every one of them to memory.

“Faster baby please,” and he obliges instantly as he dives into you hard and fast, “babyy oh shit.”

“Y/N you’re clenching so fucking hard right now,” but he’s left you breathless to the point of no reply.

Several punishing slams that also attack your clit have eyes rolling and you biting down into his shoulder, suppressing the scream that surfaced without your consent.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck, I’m gonna cum.” He keeps pounding away, forcing you deeper and deeper into a spiral of pleasure, until his lips are on yours and he ruts a final few times, grunting and moaning into your mouth. “So good, so good,” and he repeats this until he’s still above you and finally the hand wound into your neck lessens it’s pressure so the throb in your body and up to your head dies into a tingle. 

It’s the most content and blissful silence, post orgasm, wrapped in the warm and wet body of your boyfriend. That is until he begins mumbling inconceivable words into the shoulder he decided to rest on.

“What baby?”

“I said,” lifting himself to eye level, and he’s a fucking sight for sore eyes. “Worth the fucking wait.” 

And with a tired, fucked out smile, light kiss to his lips, you can most certainly agree. 

Worth the fucking wait.

[transformers-valiant-keepers]

I put so much investment into Roxie and Dadlock lately (I’m sorry) and it's all I ever think about them bc who doesn't love found family tropes. For TFTN, I took in key elements of characters, backstory and lores from IDW and incorporated the ideas into my own for TFTN.

I’ve been listening to Lasting Impression by Silent Descent when writing up Dadlock’s life (which probably fitting).

Trigger warnings for mentions of discrimination, drug use, implied dubcon, medic, shadowplay / mnemosurgery(?), child abuse, depression, implied suicide, ptsd trauma(?). 

I’ll put all of this under readmore

I've been thinking about how much similarities between Roxie and Drift in having to hide certain things about themselves from the society--with Roxie being deaf who has to constantly cover her hearing aids with her long hair, and Drift was a forged triple changer. 

Triple changers cybertronians bear the brunt of discriminations for being so different and the Functionalist Council saw them as a threat to Cybertron's future and the caste systems. Techno-organics also shared the similar reaction for being much different from others and were turned away by Functionalist medics.

It was pretty telling what Drift had gone through in his life… Before Roxie was constructed with his spark, before the Greatsword connected to his spark while unaware of the intentional true purpose in store for him and Roxie later on, and before Dai Atlas took him in to the Samurai clan. 

He did not start off as a good life living on the streets and homeless on Rodion. He was an independent, mostly kept to himself, barely opening up to anyone. He endured survival instincts living on the streets, and learnt self-defence battle protocols to defend himself when necessarily. 

Obtaining Energon for refuel wasn’t easy. He went through a dark place of sleeping rough, hooked on circuit boosters to spare the pain and selling himself for Energon through sexual activities. It wasn’t his choice nor how many times had he lost count when he came close to almost-deactivation from certain outcomes.

He never forgot the time he visited the medibay clinic to be patched up and to feel safe. That was the first time he saw Ratchet.

It was not the vivid life Drift wanted to remember for discussion. He spared the dark details of his early life and post-Shadowplay-to-Autobot’s assassin era from Roxie, because it’s not something he wanted to subject her to that exposure, even for one so young and carefree who was not exposed to the Functionalist era. He only shared his life after Dai Atlas approached and took him in, which changed his life completely, to his life amongst the Samurai clans. Dai Atlas was the closest thing he would call to a Sire. He became familiar with the likes of Cyclonus and Axe.

Axe and Cyclonus became his best friends who later became his Amica Endurae. Axe does not understand the life Drift went through--he had experienced living rough--but he was the only person he could trust enough to vent to. Cyclonus, on the other hand, understood what he went through and offered her shoulder for him to vent.

Crystal City was the safest place it had been in so long for Drift, not counting the fact a particular medical clinic had been relatively safe away from the backend alleys. Everything was good afterwards, he became a trained swordmech. It takes some adjustment for him to get used to sleeping in an actual berth provided for his own amongst other things--including Energon for refuel and to live. He did meet Ratchet, despite them having met long before when Drift lived on the rough streets.

Drift received upgrades to his frame, putting the past behind him to start anew under Dai Atlas’ mentorship, and touching the Greatsword had given him a second chance to move on from his past (obvious to the fact that the Greatsword had chosen him for a reason, or what fate had in store for him).

Becoming a Samurai was the best life-changer for him.

The Functionalists Council had arranged for Drift to be taken and captured (all the while, Pharma had secretly played a part in it) and was taken straight to the Institute where he was subjected to Shadowplay against his will.

Many years later, he eventually discovered Roxie’s existence… and somehow learnt she is his Kindred. And that instinct promptly activated his paternal Sire Coding within both his and Deadlock alter-ego’s programming. 

Life for Drift was royalty fucked up after Shadowplay had changed him into a deadly, fearless assassin with Emperor Nemesis as his handler (this was revealed in Prologue Part One). He was not known as Drift, he became Deadlock--likely a case of an alter-ego formed as the result from his traumas. Before all that discovery, he met Windblade and Perceptor who became two important figures in his life and opened up his spark. As a reminisce of his early days forcing to hide the fact he’s a triple changer, Windblade had to hide her cityspeaker ability whereas Perceptor had to hide his outlier ability and refrained himself from reading others’ thoughts. They hid this from the Functionalists and found themselves form a connetion with Drift after he saved them from unforseen situations. Drift knows what it’s like to hide and pretend, and sworn to sercery to keep both Windblade and Perceptor safe. He fell in love with Windblade and Perceptor--with an emotional deep connection with the young cityspeaker and scientist--but he never got to tell them both after they got separated apart from each others.

Roxie was constructed cold with her spark being a donor from Drift’s, thus forming a strong bond between the two--such bond between a Sire and a Kindred are considered rare in some cases. This is known as Cognatio Endurae.

Though, Roxie… didn’t have a good start after being subconsciously locked away in a stasis pod by the Emperor’s doings. The sad thing is? Drift does not know whether she was physically abused constantly through the bond whenever he was resistant against being controlled, or forced to obey commands, or goes against authority orders--and the thought alone had really broken him.

He tried to save her the first time but was caught out and forced to watch in horror as The Emperor abused Roxie in front of his optics--which played into the triggers whenever he saw Roxie was harmed and he shifted into his Deadlock persona way later on. Yes, Drift and Deadlock alter ego both genuinely care for Roxie. 

Techno-organics were not well-known to Cybertronians until the 22nd or 23rd Century, but one with an organic human DNA is considered rare. Now for Roxie, being a techno-organic and all… it wasn't easy to bring her up. Drift is new to parenting and can be a worrywart over her. His past actually helped him to adapt and care for her--he eventually grows into a better person than he used to be. 

Though, what Drift never prepared for… was Roxie diagnosed with severe hearing loss, aka Deaf / Hearing Impaired, in both audial receptors. He went as far to start his research and how to help her. He is patient and relied on the bond to communicate with her, he taught her to lipread--because he had little knowledge of sign languages. Once they get their servos on functioning Hearing Aids for her, she can hear their voices. It wasn't the best or helpful to her, Drift was relieved she was responsive to his voice like a sense of familiarity to her.

Due to the immense strong bond and prioritising Roxie first before himself, Drift turned off his pain sensors to take in the burdens and sensed her emotions and pains.

But her upbringing had its moments. Roxie hated hearing tests. It made her extremely stressed over the noise levels and the lowest ringing noises were the worst of all. She was a victim to disability discrimination by society, which she was completely shunned out and struggled to make any friends. It did hurt her and her hearing wasn't perfect that the kids relentlessly teased her for her difficulties--the aftermath forced her to cover ears and hearing aids with her long hair to hide her disability. 

She was dejected and left out, unsure whether to question where she would fit in in this universe. Drift sensed this coming through the bond and tried his best to comfort her as a father wanting to understand her. Roxie’s struggles with deafness had impacted on her mental health and she went through a dark place succumbing to negative voices and far too anxious to socialise with anyone.

She would cry herself to sleep with a wish how badly she wanted to hear, and bottled all of her emotions and issues to herself. She found it completely hard to talk or open up about her feelings--even to Drift and Axe. Such intrusive thoughts prone her despair into an emotional crying mess leading to Drift exposed his spark chamber to guide and soothed Roxie out of an anxiety attack keeping her focus onto his calming, pulsing spark and enfolded within his EM field filled with nothing more than a comforting familial love.

Suffice to say, Drift had coaxed gently, without pressuring her, got her to open up to him and listened to her confide in him. One time, she accidentally slammed Drift’s doorwing, which was very sensitive, when her emotions got the best of her during an outburst and of course, Roxie felt completely bad afterwards.

Meeting new people was difficult for her, much less making new friends without the unnecessary attention from adolescent organic males. Due to the society looking down on disabled people, Roxie doesn’t want to let anyone in, something that was passed on from her Sire, without putting her guarded wall down and succumbing to heartaches. She stayed--remained--close to Drift and Wing. She trusts them and they’re the only ones she relied heavily on for their support and speak on her behalf.

Beyond that, there were complications on their welfare over the years hiding on Earth, especially when Roxie’s health was concerned. Her height growth was stunted and slowed throughout her activated age. (At eighteen activated age as example, she stood at 5ft 4in). However, there’s major issues Drift and Axe had to deal with rationalizing Energon usage after the first time they watched Roxie overcome with extreme fatigue from low Energon. They were alerted by this despite the three of them living pretty rough to hide out on Hedonia without detecting the Autobots--they moved from one hideout to another, erasing their presence from their previous accommodations. Moving to a new place made Roxie unsettled the first few nights.

Drift’s early life resurfaced given the living arrangements on Hedonia, he was willingly to sacrifice his Energon for Roxie and replenish her energy and to avoid her body going into stasis shock. He had considered an Energon transfer reserved for emergencies only just for Roxie alone, and the process was risky that Axe had berated him for it on a dangerously low Energon withdrawal. Axe could understand due to Energon being scarce and trying to save as much credits that he had gone further to search and provide fuels for the three of them to survive.

Had they lived on Cybertron, specifically in the roughest places, Drift would’ve given away a full Energon to Roxie and spared little usage for himself to live through another day.

"A good Sire would do anything for their Kindred" Drift told Axe. And the truth is, Roxie was a beacon of light to Drift through the darker aspects of his life, even with being there for her through her low days.

That's as far I've written from my head about these two and I'm having many feelings over these two.

[uraharashouten]

Shouten Out Loud Podcast

Episode 1: Ricardo Montalbán Part 2  [ continued from Part 1 ]

Yoruichi: Are you sure these are the right time coordinates?

Tessai: I am highly confident.

Yoruichi: Well, it sure seems like “we” aren’t here.

Past Kisuke: Oh, hey, you two are back early!

Tessai: Yes. Early. We are back early.

Yoruichi: Something came up.

Tessai: Now, where were we?

Yoruichi: Ricardo Montalbán.

Tessai: Yes. Speaking of him, please allow me to introduce Soul Society’s own venerable, world-renowned, and incredibly handsome Mexican actor. You may have seen him in such movies as Once Upon A Time In Mexico, The 13th Warrior, and Assassins! Just don’t ask him to take his shirt off—it's too sexy! Please welcome... Westly Hartford!

Yoruichi: How did you find working with Sylvester Stallone?

Westly: A-ah.. Thank you... uh... I don't remember working with Sylvester Stallone...! Haha... I’m... American…

Tessai: American? Hmm... please allow me to check my notes... [ papers shuffle ]

Tessai: Hm. Well, unfortunately, my information appears to have been incorrect. It seems you are better known as a... prognosticator of events.

Tessai: As a self-proclaimed Oracle, did you find Karakura just as you expected it?

Westly: Yes, and more! It’s perfect.

Yoruichi: [ coughs ]

Tessai: And would you say the same of the inhabitants of the Urahara Shōten?

Westly: Of course. You’re all amazing. Jinta-kun can be a little rough at times, but he’s cool.

Tessai: I think you will find us all in general agreement on that point. Is there anyone or anything that you have encountered since arriving that has defied your expectations?

Westly: Well... not really. Everyone is pretty much how I expected them to be. Strong, smart... fun. Urahara-san can be scary at times, but I think it’s because his thought process can be very unpredictable.

Yoruichi: That’s certainly one way of putting it.

Tessai: … I suppose it depends on who you are.

Yoruichi: See, I’m not the variable one around here.

Tessai: I understand your own arrival here was unpredictable enough to fluster our Tenchō. As I recall, he took considerable interest in your unique bracelet. Would you mind describing it for our listeners, and sharing its significance for you?

Westly: Oh... um, sure. It’s a replica of Ishida Uryū’s bracelet. The one his grandfather had. I connect to Uryū... so, I wear it for him. So I don’t feel so alone. It was a gift, and I’ve treasured it since.

Tessai: I see. And has Ishida-san come to appreciate that fact?

Westly: I don’t think so... when I met him, he seemed almost angry. I get that reaction a lot... so, I don’t mind it.

Tessai: Perhaps he will, in time, considering the significant role he and his father will be playing in your near future.

Past Kisuke: [ background audio ] What was that?

Yoruichi: I think that’s quite the aspirational notion.

Westly: True. But if he hates me, I’m okay with that…

Yoruichi: However... You didn’t really answer the earlier question about coming here as an American. What would you say was the biggest change you had to deal with?

Yoruichi: Was it the squat toilets?

Westly: Yeah, kinda. I don’t have very good balance and due to injuries to my back in the past, it's hard to squat down to use them!

Yoruichi: They do require a certain range of motion in the ankles. Don’t worry, even the Japanese hate them. They only persist because of economics.

Tessai: I believe Tenchō retained them as long as he did simply for the aesthetic. It is fortunate that our facilities had been upgraded by the time you arrived.

Yoruichi: I wonder who was responsible for that.

Westly: Yeah! [ soft laughter ] I wonder...

Tessai: When it comes to your prognostications, you have a self-imposed limit, do you not? Would you care to explain that?

Westly: [ sighs ] One question, one answer. One per person per day. It’s to keep everything in order and to keep myself safe. I know Aizen isn't a threat right this moment, but he still is one. Anyone with a mind like his would use my knowledge to hurt the Soul Society and the World of the Living. So I use that rule to the fullest... but hints now and then never hurt to steer everyone in a safer direction.

Tessai: Please allow me to assure you that there is no need to be as circumspect as usual. Our listeners will understand your concerns.

Yoruichi: Doesn’t this security schema rely on an assumption that minds like Aizen’s—or say, Kisuke's—can’t, Sherlock Holmes-like, reassemble the whole picture from the clues they may gain access to?

Westly: Out of all the possible outcomes, only one can come to light. So the one they think might happen may not happen, with or without my hints or answers.

Yoruichi: Well, wouldn’t the ultimate threat really be something like Tsukishima stabbing you with his Fullbring and gaining unrestricted access to your entire timeline?

Westly: I dunno if that would be possible... besides... he’s currently not that much of a threat. Now that Ginjou has been taken care of by Ichigo.

Yoruichi: [ clears her throat ]

Tessai: Hartford-san, is there a particular outcome you would hope to see avoided at all costs?

Westly: … Yes... but... if it doesn't happen... all hell could break loose and become worse...

Tessai: It is—we do not—it is beyond the scope of this podcast—

Yoruichi: I too dread and fear the possible return of New Coke.

Tessai: … The fault is mine; the question was too broad.  Perhaps instead I should ask: do you at times find yourself overburdened with the knowledge you possess? Is it tempting to divulge it all?

Westly: … Yes. It... it is...

Yoruichi: You could always write it all down and leave scattered clues leading to where it was hidden, all in... one piece.

Westly: I don’t think that would work for me, Yoruichi...

Tessai: It requires a certain flexibility of character...

Yoruichi: That’s a funny way of saying, “The price of airfare is quite high.”

Yoruichi: Maybe if somebody would pay higher wages...

Westly: I’m okay... really. [ soft laughter ] But... yeah. If I just reveal it all, I could get in big trouble... I’m just lucky I ended up here and not the Soul Society.

Tessai: If Hartford-san would appreciate a secure location where it may not be found, perhaps I could assist. If nothing else, such an archive would be invaluable to future research, I am sure.

Westly: Yeah... it probably would...

Tessai: I will leave a note to myself.

Yoruichi: Well, at least Nicholas Cage will be affordable.

Yoruichi: Here’s a question: if you could give your past-self one bit of advice, whether that was before you arrived here or immediately after, what would it be?

Westly: … Before... I’d say: “You’ll be somewhere better. Just wait. You’ll be okay.”

Past Kisuke: That's good advice regardless of circumstance. —Would someone care to explain why—

Yoruichi: And after?

Westly: … After? I’d probably say... “You're home.” But I’d say it’s for my own mental health...

Past Yoruichi: What in the hell...?

Yoruichi: I knew I should’ve brought the eyepatch. Well, time is a luxury we don’t have!

Past Kisuke: Wait, are they like, reigai?!

Tessai: Please do not ask questions, Tenchō!

Yoruichi: We’re Martians, don’t think too hard about it! [ sharp explosion sound ]

Wes: A-ah! What’s happening…!?

[ outro plays ]

[frogl3gs]

Hi! I’m too shy to ask off anon lol but I’m a recent grad from Houston and I’ve been considering looking for my next job (in journalism) in Austin (though I’m looking out of state too). I was wondering if you could give a pros/cons of the city since I know you’ve been looking to leave for a little while now. Thanks either way!!

omg yes I definitely can!! and if you want to just send me a message off anon on chat we can talk there too if you have specific questions! also, just want to throw a little disclaimer on here that these are just my opinions lol and that they might not be true for you but i will try to explain my reasoning for each one of them :). also, fwiw, i’ve been to houston a few times but have never spent a large amount of time there - only ever day trips really. i do have multiple friends who either live in houston now orrrr used to live there. -one of the top reasons to move away for me and specifically to oregon is access to green space. austin does a really good job however we live in texas lol. let’s be real. i grew up outside of city limits on acreage for most of my life with the ability to spend a legitimate amount of time outside and that’s really important to me. there are plenty of little trails and cool spaces to visit and most people have fun on them but the allure of the PNW and being within 9 hours of multiple national parks and forests just outweighs being a 9 hour drive from big bend or padre, you know? i like options. however, i do believe austin will be an upgrade from houston in this aspect. also, renting a house vs just an apartment has had a great positive affect on me mentally and physically. -another top reason is the social life/culture (?). i’m sure this is heavily influenced by my age/demo (late 20s) but people want to go and drink. all. the. time. and i feel like there are no other options? there is nothing else to do really. we don’t really have any museums. our zoo sucks lol. people really only want to drink. and i’m basically sober. i can’t even remember the last time i had a drink (probably early 2019?). i just don’t like drinking. i do like hanging out but am not a big drinker. i would rather go and do things with friends like exploring or hiking or hanging out outside. but there is a huge drinking culture here. i know this will probably be the same in oregon however, i feel like i will be able to find people who are also into doing outside things instead as well. or i will just go by myself lol. so even though austin feels way more active and like, health-conscious than houston is, i feel like oregon is even more so. so i would just like to go further on that spectrum lol. 

-another big reason is that i sweat year-round. like even when it’s cold, i sweat. and as you know, texas is hot. everyone i’ve ever met tells me houston is more humid than austin which great! however i’m still suffering in the humidity that austin has lol and my first year here we had 100+ days of 100+ degree heat. and i had to walk all over ut’s FORTY ACRE campus lmao. it was hate from the beginning lmao. so moving somewhere that doesn’t have regular highs of like 108 would be great lol.  -those are my main reasons. a few other things that make it easy to leave but not necessarily a reason to leave is that I’m not really enmeshed here in anyway. i have friends and i’m in a book club but not really any best friends here. all of my college friends live in one of the other four metro areas. my family isn’t close and actually also all spread out over texas and oklahoma. my sister lives in vegas. my fiance has a huge family all within a very small radius of portland and he is very close with his family. i am not super close to my family. at least not the same way he is. the only reason we’re still here is because i got a new job before my lease was up! also i have been dreaming of taking my dog to the pnw before i had a dog or had even visited the pnw. since i was a little kid, i wanted to spend time with my (then fictional) dog hiking and bonding with my dog. it’s literally all i’ve ever wanted and can’t wait to do that and give that to my puppy lol. 

sooo depending on what you’re into and what you like doing and whether or not you like that big city feel or not (to me austin feels like a small city but i have been here for 10 years - yikes!!!! so long!!! and houston feels like a much bigger city) austin is much more walkable in certain areas and much more relaxed. if it were me and i was moving from hou --> atx, i would think that atx was an upgrade :). but the food. i must mention the food. i have heard that the food here is not as good nor as diverse as in houston. you can tell me if you think that’s true or not. if you like wine, fredericksburg is close. mckinney falls is nice and actually where my fiance and i got engaged so that will always be a special place to me. there’s the greenbelt however it is hard to find a place that isn’t covered in litter due to the influx of people over the past couple of years. there are some great trails in west austin as well.  there’s nothing really wrong with austin lol i just use tumblr to mostly complain. however i think i’m just better suited for a place like oregon where it’s all about the outside. like i want to learn to ski! i want to snowshoe! i want to summit mt hood! i want to hike some of the pct! i want to spend time in washington, utah, idaho, northern california, etc!  also i know it rains for half a year there but i also like that and have indoor hobbies that i do during the hot part of the days here in texas that i can do during the rainy season there :). also already ready to bike and run in the rain lol. but yeah. this got long. let me know if you have any specifics!!!

[hotspringfairy]

I know you’ve probably already been asked this many times but how did you get started? I’m currently struggling on how to start because I’m 5’4 and about 318. It’s the heaviest I’ve been and I get discouraged that I’ll never be able to figure it out. I’m so happy for all you’ve accomplished and I hope someday I can inspire someone too, just like you’ve inspired me.

No, I don't get asked questions lol and I'm not convinced that this is even real, but I'm going to answer it anyways because it's a very nice question either way.

First I'd like to say that I'm still figuring out my path and I've lost and regained lots of weight over my life. Things feel different this time, but only time will tell. Also, I've found that there is no one answer to losing weight, just what works for me personally. So take whatever I say with a grain of salt.

I didn't pick a diet or meal plan this time like I usually would. I decided that unlike before, I wasn't going to cut any foods out. For me, over-restriction leads to binging. I knew I needed to eat more vegetables and fruits and that I needed to eat out less.

At the time I liked to get the PB&J box from Starbucks as lunch. So I brought peanut butter, jelly, and bread into work and started making my own sandwiches. The boxes come with baby carrots and apple slices, so I'd have baby carrots or some celery and a piece of fruit too (apples and bananas cuz they're so convenient, grapes and berries too).

That's kinda how I started. It's not a perfect lunch, but it got me in the habit of making my own lunch instead of eating out and it was an upgrade. "Progress, not perfection" is practically my mantra. After that, I mimicked the chicken hummus box from Starbucks. I bought pre-cooked packaged chicken, hummus, pita bread, sugar snap peas, and red pepper strips.

Once I was in the habit of taking in lunches that I liked, I started figuring out better things I could have for breakfast. I focused in on really establishing a few habits at a time.

Before, I got way too caught up about optimizing my food. For example, I wouldn't eat apples or grapes because they are a higher-sugar fruit. I wouldn't eat apples. Apples. I'm doing much better by not worrying so much about sugar, hormones, eating "clean," etc. It doesn't need to be that complicated. Losing weight is hard and takes effort, but it doesn't mean you have to suffer and it doesn't mean you need to optimize everything. Just do better. Progress, not perfection.

The next big thing is that I started counting my calories. This isn't for everyone, but it's really helped me. It's rather tedious, but it gets easier and I've learned so much. I've also realized that I couldn't just eat like a 150 lb person when I was 250 and just hope my body would catch up- that doesn't work. I had to eat like a 240 lb person until I was that weight, then start eating like a 235 lb person and so on. It's been so helpful to me to lower my calories more slowly rather than go balls-to-the-walls on some low-calorie diet that was never meant for someone trying to lose 100+ pounds. I can do those and lose weight, but it always comes back.

I aim to eat foods that fit in my calorie range but also fill me up (low-calorie-dense foods). I try to include a serving or 2 of vegetables at most meals, a serving of protein, and some healthy fats. I also aim to eat 2 or more servings of fruit a day. I try to focus on what I'm adding to my diet and not what I'm taking away.

I also eat out still (especially chicken strips which used to be a trigger food for me). I eat chocolate pretty much everyday. I have lots of days where I go over on my calories and I always will. I don't feel like I've "fallen off the wagon" now though, even when I overeat or eat "unhealthy," because doing that occasionally is normal and ok- it's all part of my "diet." Honestly, the cliche of not going on a diet but making real lifestyle changes that are sustainable is key.

The last thing is that I've been working on my mental health. I was actually addressing this outside of weightloss, but realized how tied together the 2 really are. It's a sad reality that many people who struggle with their weight have had some sort of trauma- especially of the sexual nature. I've been working on processing my trauma. I've realized that I use food to: numb my feelings, escape, comfort myself, to feel better temporarily. I'm still working on that. I've found other ways to comfort myself besides with food, but the other ones I'm still working on.

My fat is also a defense mechanism- it protects me physically and socially. It's hard to let go of that protection. I think it's important to reflect on the potential anxiety and discomfort that losing weight can bring.

I hope you don't mind this super-long answer, I actually tried to keep it short- I have a lot more to say. It's odd to hear that I've inspired someone when I'm still struggling so much, but thank you for saying so. I constantly worry that I don't have it figured out, but I just keep going anyways.

I wish you well and I know you can do this! I'd love to hear how you're doing!

[sanderssidesfanfiction]

If There’s a Place I Could Be - Chapter Fifty Eight

If There’s a Place I Could Be Tag

November 8th, 1998

“Emile, I told you you’d worry yourself sick if you didn’t take a break,” his mother sighed as she tried to force Emile back into bed. “You need to rest.”

“I need to make sure Faith is okay!” he protested. “Resting can wait!”

“Emile, you’re running a medium-grade fever and you’re shaking like you’re going to pass out at any moment,” his mother said, gently pushing Emile back onto the bed. “You need to rest if you have any hope of continuing to help your friends later.”

Emile pouted. “As soon as you let me leave the house again I’ll be checking up on her.”

“Then you’re not leaving the house until you’re better,” his mother said simply. “Rest up, honey, please. You’ll feel so much better if you do.”

  March 16th, 2002

“Remy, this is really unnecessary—”

“—No, Emile, I’m not arguing with you on this,” Remy insisted, leveling Emile with a glare as he pulled the blankets over Emile’s shivering form. “You worked all of last weekend helping friends with mental health issues, and then you take five shifts at Target all because one of your coworkers gave you those puppy dog eyes, and you still did all your school work on top of that, and now you’re exhausted and running a fever. You are staying in bed and you will not be pushing yourself that hard ever. Again. Or else you will be getting an earful from me. Understood?”

Emile coughed and tried to glare right back at Remy, but the effect was dampened by the sheer amount of shaking Emile was doing. When Remy arched an eyebrow, Emile sighed. “Fine,” he groaned. “I won’t push myself that far. I’ll take a day’s break next time.”

“No, there is no ‘next time,’ Emile!” Remy exclaimed. He started pacing the length of the bedroom and all Emile could do was watch. “You always do this! You’re always pushing yourself to be faster, or smarter, or stronger, so that you can do more work, help more people, do whatever needs to be done. And inevitably you almost pass out, or you actually do pass out, or you injure yourself, or you literally work yourself sick. You are staying in bed, and there will not be a ‘next time.’”

Emile sighed. He appreciated that Remy cared. Really, he did. But he couldn’t just stop. “Rem, my friends need me, and we need the extra money from Target, and my classes have to be passed if I want to keep my financial aid. I have to keep up with all of those things.”

“We don’t need the extra money so bad that you work yourself sick,” Remy insisted. “Now we’re just gonna be spending the extra cash on cold medicine, or antibiotics from the doctor’s if you keep this up. And just because none of your friends were suicidal doesn’t mean they weren’t hurting you with those problems. No one has to be my level of extreme before they start causing damage. And a B is a passing grade, Emile. You don’t need a four-point-oh GPA in order to go to grad school to become a therapist.”

Emile leaned into the pillows and groaned. “You don’t understand, Rem. They need me.”

“And they need other people, too. You can’t just have one person as your entire support system. That’s not healthy. I should know. I put that burden on Toby and later on you. And it didn’t end well for anyone involved,” Remy said, crossing his arms and glaring at Emile. “Take a break.”

Emile searched Remy’s face, looking for any crack in his resolve to exploit. Normally he wouldn’t, but these were not normal circumstances. When he found none, he sighed. “You don’t want me to do this again, but...I have to, Rem. I have to make sure they’re okay.”

Remy shook his head. “No, Emile. I’m not arguing with you on this. You’re not going to push yourself past your limits again.”

Emile made a disgruntled noise. “Remy—”

“—No.”

“But Rem—”

“—I said. No.” When Emile opened his mouth to speak again, Remy beat him to the punch. “Every time you push yourself past your limits, I get scared. I’m legitimately terrified that whatever pushed you past those limits is going to wind up hurting or killing you. Ever since I found out you were pushing past your limits to try and help me before you found me a therapist, I’ve wanted to make sure that you don’t get hurt. But you make that a near-impossible job, Emile. For all your talk about not endangering your health, you certainly do it often.

“You pushed past your limits for way longer than you should have before you directed me to a therapist. You go out of your way to help your friends, even if you feel dead on your feet. When you took your friend to the local audition and wound up having a part to play yourself? You nearly passed out—more than once, might I add—after the show was over. Even with your grandfather. If I hadn’t stepped in, you would have taken every last hit your grandfather dished out. Silently. Not showing any hurt, to anyone, but especially not to me, because you wouldn’t want me to feel guilty over you taking that hit for me. In your desire to protect your friends, you’re left damaging yourself, don’t you see that?!”

Emile turned red. Since when could Remy read him so easily? “Okay, okay. You’ve proved your point that this hurts me,” Emile sighed. “But...how do I just...stop? I can’t just cut them off or ignore them when they’re struggling and I have the capacity to help.”

“You wouldn’t be doing either of those things. If someone calls you, or texts you, asking if you can help, all you say is, ‘I’m not in a position where I can help you right now. Can we talk later?’ It’s that easy.” Remy shrugged. “Look, they’re my friends too, Emile. I care about them, however reluctant I may have been to accept that fact at first. But I can’t help them twenty-four-seven, and neither can you. The only difference is that I stop when I know I’ve pushed myself too far. You realize that you’re approaching your limit, or that you’ve passed your limit, and you keep going, because people still need your help, in your mind.”

“They do need my help—”

“—They need help, period. Not your help specifically. Isn’t that why you took me to a therapist? You couldn’t do it on your own and you knew that if I kept pushing you it would end ugly for both of us. You could refer them to a therapist or a psych if it gets bad enough, or just say that you need to focus on yourself for a bit. That’s not bad, it’s not selfish. It’s self-preservation. And frankly, honey, you need a hell of a lot more of that than you already have.”

Emile pulled a face. He knew Remy had a point, but he didn’t want to admit that fact. “What if they get hurt because I didn’t help them?” he asked. “What if they hurt themselves because I didn’t help them?”

“That’s not on you, honey,” Remy said, sitting down on the side of the bed and putting his hand on Emile’s shoulder. “Taking care of yourself and your own needs every once in a while is more than healthy, it’s necessary.”

Emile groaned. “I just...I worry. I can’t help it. I worry about them.”

“I know you do,” Remy said. “So do they. Everyone you’re friends with knows you care about them. Which is why they won’t be concerned you’re blowing them off if you say you need some time to yourself.”

“Remy...” Emile could feel his frustration building. Remy had a point, but couldn’t he see that this mattered to Emile? That he was willing to make the sacrifices necessary to keep his friends safe? “You don’t understand.”

Remy crossed his arms and huffed. “I understand that you’re concerned about your friends. I understand that you’ve lost more of them than you’d care to count. I understand that you’re scared of losing more. I understand your reluctance to take time for yourself when you perceive that you’re needed elsewhere. I understand that when you feel backed up against a wall with all your responsibilities looming overhead, you're more likely to disregard your safety in favor of getting rid of some of those problems. Because you don’t want to worry. But don’t you understand? I worry about you when you push yourself too far. Theo called earlier asking if you were okay because you looked feverish when you talked yesterday. Everyone worries about you when you push yourself too far.”

“But—”

“—Honey, everyone will be relieved if you say you’re taking time to focus on yourself. Trust me. No one will be mad, no one will do anything hasty just because you say you need rest.” Remy shook his head. “You need to stop pushing yourself so much.”

Emile sighed. Remy had all the logical points on his side, and Emile had none. Didn’t mean that he was going to be happy about it, though. “Fine,” he grumbled. “I’ll rest a little more often.”

“All I ask is that you rest when you’re pushing your limits,” Remy said. “The rest of the time, you can worry yourself sick over your friends.”

“I’m already sick,” Emile said weakly.

“Yeah, I know, and I was genuinely worried about this continuing for a hot minute,” Remy said.

Emile sighed. “You know...this is completely off topic, but I think we should upgrade to a Queen. Or a King.”

“As in...” Remy paused. Stood. “As in with beds?”

“Yeah,” Emile said, looking up at Remy. “We cuddle in each others’ beds so much, and we’ve shared tiny beds together before. Upgrading to a Queen would mean we both have space and we don’t have to worry about someone falling off the bed when cuddling. Do you think it’s too soon?”

“Not particularly,” Remy said. “You just...took me off guard, is all.”

“The other good thing about that is that you could force me to relax by cuddling me aggressively in bed until I do what you say,” Emile joked.

Remy actually perked up at that and Emile regretted giving Remy ideas like this from his jokes. He never learned, even though he should have come to expect this sort of thing from Remy. Taking jokes seriously and actually using them as if they were a viable option. “That’s a good idea.”

“That was a joke, Rem.”

“A joke that I will turn into reality,” Remy said definitively. “We’re getting a Queen. Slightly cheaper than a King, and both of us can still fit comfortably, and I can cuddle you until the sun goes away.”

Emile groaned. “Remy, I’m sick, go easy on me, please.”

“All right, all right, I won’t give away all my evil plans to get yourself to give you a break. Besides, it might help to keep a thing or two up my sleeve, anyway,” Remy said.

Emile patted the bed. “You afraid of germs? Or are you willing to cuddle?”

“We live in the same apartment, mio amore. Something tells me that if I’m going to get sick it’s not going to matter whether I cuddle you or not,” Remy said. He took off his socks and lifted up the covers, saying, “Scoot over.”

Emile rolled his eyes but complied and he and Remy just snuggled for a while. He sighed. “What are we gonna do about whichever room is no longer one of ours?” Emile mumbled.

“I dunno,” Remy admitted. “Some point or another it might become an office, when you’re a therapist and you need somewhere to work at home. Until then...uh...guest room?”

“I guess,” Emile said. The gears were whirring in his head, and it might have just been because he was sick, but he was thinking about an office that both of them might use. “What if you started your own shop?”

Remy laughed. “That old pipe dream? I’ve given up hope on getting the money for a property, Emile. I can buy the food, the advertising, hire people, and all that, if I save my money properly. But I can’t afford to rent, let alone buy, a property where I could start my own coffee shop.”

“Y’know, we should probably start saving more money anyway,” Emile mused. “Emergency funds, retirement, all that good stuff.”

“I guess,” Remy sighed. “I do like getting to go on dates with you, though.”

“So let’s make it a once a month thing, instead of twice, and go to places that don’t charge too much,” Emile reasoned. “Saving our money is important. Especially if we’re going to be splurging on a bed.”

Remy laughed. “True.”

Emile grinned. He was getting a crazy idea, and it might have been because he was sick, but Remy had been passed on promotions before. And if they saved properly, he knew they could get a shop off the ground.

[tokiro07]

Thinkin’ about the term Soulslike again (though I don’t know if I’ve ever talked about it here)

I really dislike the idea of naming genres after specific games on the basis that it leads to stagnation in the development of games and doesn’t actually tell you anything about those games if you aren’t already familiar with the source

Metroidvanias, for example, by and large either try to perfectly mimic Super Metroid or Symphony of the Night to the point where a lot of them will practically use the same upgrades with different visuals or names in my experience, rather than reimagining or refining the core experience of exploration and discovery (some people have called these games Sprawlers, but I like to call them Explorers)

Roguelikes, fortunately, have now boiled down the genre to just two major, generalized mechanics, procedural generation and permadeath, but for some reason have retained the name even though they are nigh unrecognizable as “Rogue” games anymore. Some Roguelikes have even cut down on the permadeath with a persistent upgrade system that have resulted in them being called “Roguelites,” even though they already had nothing in common with Rogue aside from being Procedural games

“Soulslikes” at the moment seem to be leaning towards the former for the most part, though they are slowly but surely drifting away from that. Now, I haven’t played many Soulslikes, but from what I’ve seen, almost all of them have the following:

a limited, slow-use health restoring item

a currency that is dropped upon death (usually retrievable at the point of death)

a checkpoint area designated for the usage of said currency, recovery of the health item, and/or upgrades and customization (these may vary, but there’s usually a combination of these) BUT also restores all of the enemies in an area (if applicable)

enemies with high damage output but consistent predictable and exploitable attack patterns

combat heavily based around animation speed

a dodge or parry mechanic that helps give the player control over the pace of the battle

obscure lore often told through environmental storytelling or vague item descriptions

Dark Souls itself also has several elements that are frequently seen in its clones, but not necessarily all of them, including:

character customization

variable weapon builds

an RPG-style leveling system

a stamina-bar that recovers over time

an item that increases health and allows for a mechanic that makes combat easier at the risk of inviting some form of danger

a semi-open world that encourages familiarity and creates shortcuts over time

With all of these elements, Dark Souls itself is effectively an Exploratory Action RPG, with its world functioning similarly to a Metroidvania and while having a customizable/upgradable character that can perform real-time combat. The question is what Dark Souls does differently within these genres that makes it unique, much like how Rogue differentiated itself from other turn-based RPGs of the time (procedural generation and permadeath)

I think when most people think “Soulslike,” they think games that emulate the look and feel as closely as possible, like The Surge or Nioh for 3D games or Salt and Sanctuary or Hollow Knight for 2D. These all, to my knowledge, use similar kinds of currency systems and combat systems

These systems have led to people like Yahtzee Croshaw labeling Soulslikes as “Recursive games”, on the basis that they encourage one to throw themselves at one challenge again and again until they learn it by heart, often through asking the player to specifically face the thing that defeated them rather than go another way. 

While I see the argument here, I think that this definition is actually too broad. A linear platformer will do the exact same thing, but if you die repeatedly to a  specific enemy or obstacle in a Mario game and keep trying until you get it, does that make Mario a “Soulslike” game? Not at all, but any video game that has a failure state is, by its very nature, recursive. Not all games do this, but all that do can’t be referred to as “Recursive games”

Dead Cells, for example, inherently lacks this feature. Sure, its procedural nature promotes a “just one more go” mentality, but what you’re doing is inherently different every time. You aren’t facing the same challenges, as enemies and item builds are always different. However, what remains is the combat-style

I’ve always felt that the most important part of something being similar to Dark Souls is the enemy encounters that are dictated by health/stamina management and pace control. Because this is so heavily rooted in Dark Souls’ unique method of combat, I’ve been referring to it as a Precision Combat game, as precise inputs and timing are often necessary for survival, and an understanding of how both the player and the enemies behave is necessary for progression 

What muddles this is that we already have terms like “Action” and “Fighting” to define specific genres, and those terms are just too close. Fighting games are, in a sense, Precision Combat games that remove everything extraneous: no level progressions, no upgrade systems, just pure mechanics in typically one-on-one battles against a specific character being used by an opponent. Action games, however, basically mean anything that has some kind of combat encounter in it at all, allowing it to span Platformers, Fighters, Shooters, Brawlers, Puzzlers, anything, so much so that it’s a near pointless concept. One could argue that by calling something a Combat game, it immediately implies a greater focus on the precision of the action, thus making the “Precision” in Precision Combat redundant. We could also call it “Precision Action,” but that comes with its own problems

Many games have had precision action elements since the inception of gaming. The most notable that I can think of from the NES days would be Ninja Gaiden and The Mysterious Murasame Castle, both of which require quick reaction time and strategic attacks, generally not allowing players to simply brute force their way through. However, while these could strictly speaking be called Precision Action games, that doesn’t mean that they are “like Souls,” nor do they resolve the fact that modern games are taking inspiration from Dark Souls’ unique mechanics to spawn a new genre. It just becomes the same problem that Recursive had: it can apply to too many things that already exist rather than honing in on what makes Dark Souls itself unique

A friend of mine called Dark Souls a “Strict” game on the basis that the failure to act in a precise manner is entirely on the player, that Dark Souls is “tough but fair,” but honestly I think that’s just a fancy way of conveying the same idea.

In the same conversation that Recursive was introduced, Yahtzee’s associate Jack Packard suggested that Soulslikes be called Fight-or-Flight games to highlight the decision making process that the player goes through: “do I have the right items for this encounter?” “How far am I from the checkpoint?” “Should I avoid the enemies to preserve health, or fight them to get their drops?” Jack and Yahtzee determined that this couldn’t work because the player can’t run from boss encounters, and thus those moments remove a core gameplay element that Fight-or-Flight would imply. I, however, think they were on the right track

For one, the bosses are the very reason one has to consider whether to fight or flee in the first place; there is always going to be something that the player needs to save their resources for, something that they can’t flee from, so the question is what to do in the moments where that choice is available. However, I think there’s a way to potentially reconcile this issue while retaining the high focus on player choice: Risk/Reward

Now, many games have elements of risk and reward, particularly procedural games where if the player is having a good run, they may want to play more cautiously, but “Soulslike” games have a particular way of baking these sorts of choices into every single moment. Every attack animation is a risk because they’re exploitable by an enemy, every usage of the healing items is a risk because they’re exploitable, every enemy is a threat that can cause the player to lose their precious items, every enemy attack, even from bosses, is exploitable but reacting to them may leave the player open. “Do I attack now?” “Do I heal now?” “Do I fight this enemy?” “Do I run past them?” “Do I use my currency on this upgrade/item, or save it?” These are all ideas that are present in other games, but Dark Souls and its contemporaries utilize it in such a specific way that I think one could make the argument that it’s their defining feature

Risk/Reward also has the benefit of removing the necessity for combat altogether, whereas Fight-or-Flight explicitly states that combat is an element of it. This could allow non-action games to potentially recontextualize Dark Souls’ Risk/Reward mechanics into something else entirely, similarly to how Toki Tori 2 took out Super Metroid’s action-centric upgrade system and replaced it with a consistent moveset used for puzzle-solving, and all “upgrades” were actually moments where the player would discover new ways to use what they already had to progress

I don’t necessarily think Risk/Reward is a perfect solution, as like I said it can technically be applied to a lot of other games (ex: in any turn-based RPG, one can choose to attack, defend, or heal, risking the enemy’s actions), and it’s not the most elegant thing to say (ex: to encompass all that Dark Souls is would require calling it a Risk/Reward Exploratory Action RPG), but I think it’s a step in the right direction

If nothing else, it helps make it clear why a game like Sekiro, which removes nearly all of Dark Souls’ mechanics and even boils the combat down to a single weapon type, can still be considered a “Soulslike;” moving the enemy into a vulnerable position potentially leaves Sekiro vulnerable as well, but the player needs to take that risk to win a fight

I’ve also seen the word “dynamic” used to describe the combat in both Dark Souls and Sekiro, which ties back into what I was saying about controlling the pace of combat. This could also work and may be useful in conveying the idea of decision making, but it may have more difficulty in translating to other genres. That said “Exploratory Dynamic Action RPG” sounds better than that mouthful I said before, even if it’s still a bit long

It may be years before we get a good answer to this question, and it really will be determined by what elements survive the refinement process and remain recognizable, but for now, I think I’m going to start trying to work either “Risk/Reward” or “Dynamic” into my conversations about Dark Souls until I hear something better