#and one breaks the cycle one perpetuates it one doesnt know what to do

[clay-pidgeon]

they call it a nuclear family because it gives you radiation poisoning

[henrysglock]

i think where u and aemiron's csa theories flop at times is that. well. we have no proof henry has sexual intent.

yes, the vines and billy's lines and so on yada yada can be easily interpreted as CSA-coding - even the GA picks up on that. yes, i literally believe so much that the vines, will talking abt the MF in 2x04 and the entire possession thing is easily a metaphor for rape and CSA (i mean on character tropes it says will's possession was mind rape but who knows if character tropes is canon).

however the thing is, we have NO clue if henry is an actual pedophile. there's no textual evidence that he's sexually attracted to will or any child and thats why he did those things. the entire upside-down CSA thing is literally just a metaphor because, as far as we know, NONE of those actions had sexual intent, and the entire point of rape is quite literally, unfortunately; sexual intent.

(and even then the metaphor isn't even canon unless an ST writer etc says so. literally nothing the fandom theorizes is canon because its all a theory)

it's a common coding thing in film. they'll add metaphors that they never actually put into the explicit text so it just stays that way. for example, in wednesday, a character's in-ability to transform into a werewolf and become part of a wolf pack could be seen as a metaphor for being queer. this doesn't ACTUALLY mean the character is queer, unfortunately (personally i doubt that but nothing is canon yet) - but they use metaphors to portray that experience in their fictional world.

so while SA-coding is associated with henry and the upside down, this doesnt LITERALLY mean henry's a pedophile (because again we've literally never been shown his sexual attraction to children)

"There's no sexual intent"

How...How blunt do I have to be about this? Anon...He...There were babies involved. The entire slug thing in general (Barb included) is quite literally sexual reproduction. You can't say there's no sexual intent when there's sexual reproduction involved, anon. Like...please enlighten me on how I can possibly make that clearer. Do I have to be vulgar about it to make it click? Because I'd really rather not be.

All this without mentioning the fact that nearly every person he's targeted, lured, or said goosebump-worthy (/neg) lines to has been a teenager or younger. He's Vecna, Mindflayer, and Demogorgon. We have to look at all the seasons. Here, let's make a list of his victims and their age groups together:

Will: Preteen and teen.

El: Teen.

Nancy: Teen.

Max: Teen.

Fred: Teen.

Chrissy: Teen.

Patrick: Teen.

Barb: Teen.

Billy: Teen (but not a minor).

Heather: Teen.

Holly in S1: Child.

That's one hell of a track record lmao. The only outliers are Joyce in S1 (she's only targeted because she's connected to Will) and the Flayed (which were kind of a mixed bag since they were only there to become the Fleshflayer).

So, not a single one of the primary targets are over 20 years old...but most of them are teens. So you're right, I guess. He's not a pedophile.

He's closer to the definition of an ephebophile (with a thing for redheads).

Also, this isn't Wednesday. This isn't even in the same ballpark as Wednesday. Stranger Things is an adult supernatural horror series. It was supposed to be named Montauk for heaven's sake, as in the MKULTRA subset known for...what, exactly?

You guessed it: raping and otherwise abusing boys to break them and turn them into mindless super-soldiers.

I...don't know how much plainer I can make it without it becoming tasteless. The tentacle and the Mindflayer's possession are not a metaphors for rape. They're literal rape. The metaphor is the combination of Henry and the Shadow Monster re: cycles of abuse and the way forced conformity and weaponized trauma allow cycles of abuse to be perpetuated.

If you don't want to see what's on the screen in front of you, for whatever reason, that's totally fine. It's no skin off my nose. But don't come in here telling me my analyses flop when I incorporate the things you choose not to perceive.

[kath-artic]

i have the same sort of feeling that im a very reserved and in control of myself person that occasionally breaks on something that by itself doesnt seem like a huge deal. i always understand it as being a result of putting up with so many "little" things for so long that eventually i cant take it anymore and snap. so i think youre not imagining things and youre not crazy or anything, its just that you need to remember the wider patterns you have to deal with instead of just one event

yeah, i think the thing that really makes me question myself is that my mom would never take accountability for the things she said and did to me when i was growing up and would just play the "i had so many other things on my plate and i just snapped" card and like. maybe im wrong but i dont think that justifies the way she would treat me. or my friend who recently went on a tirade and said some of the cruelest things anyone has ever said to me because she imagined i did something and it sent her over the edge and now im at fault for something i didnt even do. so what makes me so special? if i cant justify the way they treated me even though it was the sum of a great many things and they supposedly couldn't help themselves, then how can i justify it when i snap? and i get that theres the nuance of a parent-child relationship to consider and also the fact that my freakouts are mostly defensive while the ones i struggle to justify are more offensive, but in those moments i did hurt the people on the receiving end and is there any way for me to justify that? me jumping out of that car made everyone who saw it happen think my mom was probably abusing me and i just dont know if i can say with my whole chest that thats what was happening, but i also dont know if me questioning myself like this is just another sign of abuse. i just dont know. i have no desire to be cruel to anybody and i certainly cannot find it in myself to hate my mom. i can't really find it in myself to hate any of the people who've hurt me. but i bet if you asked my mom she'd say the same thing.

i guess what im afraid of is that im perpetuating a cycle of cruelty and justifying it by saying i couldnt control myself. if i work on this, do i end up being more of a passenger in my life or will it actually make me a better person? i'm not even sure if there is such a thing. the only conclusion i can comfortably come to is that she isn't someone i should be around as often as i am. regardless of right or wrong, we at the very least butt heads with each other. i just dont know how to go about getting myself out.

[dinoswordsb]

what is their main beef with each other? is it all out of desperation/loneliness/attempt to stay grounded/not go crazy/Feel Something? is there an (for lack of better phrasing) Agenda somewhere deep in someone's psyche? where did Benjamin zone in? how long's he been about town before meeting Jennifer? how long does he "expect" to be in SH? what're Benjamin's reasons/excuses/logic behind how he treats Jennifer? (which is how, exactly? :o?)

oh boy i waited until i was home to answer this one bc i just knew i was gonna need a read more. so. -claps- lets fucking go

the funny thing about it is that they don't really have beef with each other perse. Not on Ben's end, at least; Jennifer is literally just a jackass lol. Jen acts the way he does, and they meet under terrible, awful circumstances(read: personal hell). ben so desperately wants to see the good in people so he gives him the benefit of the doubt in that its a terrible place, and he's just stressed. everyone's bound to snap in a situation like that and who knows how long he's been there before ben? plus his general rule is to trust people until they give you a reason not to, even though this mantra has inevitably gotten him hurt many, many times. despite that, he still sticks to it.

as for a general timeline that honestly hasnt really? been discussed nor is it solidified bc its not really a set in stone canon story(its mostly just the discord server tossing our guys in silent hill and having fun with it), but i personally imagine that the pacing of bens journey is similar to james' in that he meets everyone pretty early on and they tend to get separated and reconnect as time goes on :]

and then ben is prone to black and white thinking so. first impressions of people tend to stick, whether he wants them to or not.

So maybe you could say there was an agenda for ben, in that he just wants to help people, which goes way deep down into his own personal issues of putting people before himself and just taking bullshit like hes a punching bag when he really shouldn't. but after a point he starts connecting the dots. Bens more observant than people might take him for. he realizes that despite all of his nasty words, jen does not tend to stray away from the group when ben and a couple of other people(other discord ocs) do find each other and stick together for awhile, and really that in itself is kind of the nail on the head for him in that he recognizes that behavior, because when he was younger he coped with his loneliness the exact same way. and that is when he zones in.

also he has a crush on jen the entire time but doesnt realize it(he's been rewritten to be gay rather than bi, and hasnt really discovered it yet by this point) and mistakes his attraction for a general desire to be friends with/get to know him.

Circling back though. Ben realizing theyre so similar does kind of deepen that attraction but it also just. upsets him. because at the point he realizes it, hes already gone through hell(hes farther along in his journey, and has started to spiral about many things). He's got a lot of mixed feelings, but deep down, it just draws him to him more because ben has been very, very lonely his entire life, and has never had an experience of being seen like that, or feeling a connection like that, even if it isnt really there to anyone but himself. so you could say that ben does just want to Feel Something. Its ironic because one would think picking the meanest man he's ever come across would be setting himself up for failure, which is what happened when he rushed into marrying his ex wife, and his entire arc is about breaking the cycles he perpetuates. just a neat little teehee if you will

i guess thats where the beef starts because in a moment of desperation and sliding down a slippery slope to rock bottom, he directly calls jennifer out on lying and putting up a front, and shatters it not only in front of himself but other people. this upsets jen greatly, because he cannot lie his way out of it. And where it goes from there kind of has a few different routes and possibilities.

as a whole ben generally treats jen with kindness. He asks questions about him, he admits to caring about his wellbeing, and makes an effort to try to break through that shell(which is hard for him. he is very bad at approaching people). He talks about himself on the rare occasion jen asks, tries to extend that hand of friendship, and doesnt really take it personally when it isnt received. he isnt pushy, but he doesnt give up, either. his logic for all that is scattered in this^ mess i think but tldr; he is nice to him bc its in his nature and also because he feels something about him he doesn't quite understand yet.

oh! and upon arrival, bens plan was to live in silent hill and start over after his. episode. so he planned to be there for awhile but oops! that didn't work now did it so after he gets stuck he expects to be there as long as it takes him and the others to get out

in conclusion: oh baby you are so ill

[peachiikawa]

Caged Bird | Prince!Oikawa Tooru x Reader

a/n: if you know anything about fairytales then you might realize that the reader has the flute of the pied piper, though modified for the story. been watching a lot of once upon a time and got the idea from the neverland arc. hope you enjoy!

word count: 1.9k

genre: fantasy, romance

trigger warnings: reader gets hurt a bit but nothing graphic

summary: oikawa has always lived a lonesome life in the cage that is his castle. one day he sneaks out and a beautiful melody leads him to you, a traveling musician. oikawa is about to find out that his luck is going to change for the better.

oikawa gazed out over the town from his balcony

he let out a long sigh as he grew bored from his studies

“why the long face trashykawa?”

his bestfriend and knight walked up next to him and leaned against the railing

“oh you know, just bored of being in this castle. theres a whole town of people out there and im stuck in here. gets tiring after a while”

iwaizumi listened to his friend and nodded along to what he was saying

“then sneak out for a day”

oikawas eyes widened

“youd help me sneak out?”

“only if you come back by sundown”

so oikawa grabbed his cloak and thanks to iwas help got out of the castle

despite being born and raised in this town oikawa had no idea where he was

and after about ten minutes he was completely and utterly lost

until he heard the faint sound of a flute

he followed the sound until he ended up in the mostly cleared out town square where he saw you playing a small wooden flute for those who were present, though you had no audience

everyone walked past you as if you were invisible like you werent playing such a beautiful song

he approached you slowly and listened until you finished your performance

“that was really good”

you looked up at him and smiled

“always a pleasure to play for those who need it”

the bright smile on your face felt warm and inviting

like he was meant to be here

“would you like to take a seat next to me?”

you gestured to the spot next to you and he gladly took it

“so...whats your story”

hes hesitant to answer your question

“ill tell you mine if you tell me yours”

you set your flute down in your bag next to you

“well first of all my names y/n and my life is nothing too interesting. im a traveling performer and play my flute as a way to pass time and help those who need it. always come across the most interesting people this way”

traveling. thats something oikawa could only dream of

“so cmon now tell me about you”

he peaked at you through his hood

“ok but dont make a big commotion..im oikawa tooru”

you laughed a bit

“thats funny you share the same name as the prince”

you stopped laughing when you saw the serious look in his eyes

“oh..oh! im so sorry for being so rude!”

you started to scramble around when he grabbed your wrists to stop your movements

“shh yes im the prince but stop flailing people are starting to look”

once you had calmed down he went on

“ive been confined to my castle my whole life and stuck to certain rules i have to follow. it seems like even if i catch a break something else comes along. i have to stay this perfect image because im the prince and it just gets so lonely. its as if im a bird trapped in a cage and theres no way out”

ah so there it is

the reason he could hear your flute

you picked a flower that was growing next to you and placed it in his hair as you spoke

“im sorry your lifes been like that but oikawa, if i may be so bold, even a caged bird will become wise enough to break free. the dream of flying is too great to resist”

Once you had properly placed the flower you smiled at him before standing up from your spot and grabbing your bag

you then held your hand out to him

but he couldnt gather his thoughts

you were so bright it was almost blinding

“now cmon! lets go have some fun!”

he looked at the hand held out to him

and with a leap of faith, he took it

he was going to get out of this cage, this perpetual cycle

and finally add some meaning to his life

day after day you two spent your time together

oikawas days that were once filled with hollow words and empty actions were now filled with happiness

filled with you

and everyday slowly but surely he was falling for you

passing glances turned into prolonged gazes

his heart could no longer stay still around you

you became the key to his happiness

but for now...he had to be content with just being next to you

it would be too selfish otherwise

to ask you to stay with him here in the kingdom...he could never trap you like that

“so what are we doing today y/n?”

you were strolling through the town on a quiet sunday afternoon like you had the last few sundays

“how about we go to the bakery? theyre usually busy but since its sunday i bet its not as packed and then i want to take you somewhere”

he was curious as to what you had in store but decided against asking questions

so you two got some baked goods and headed out towards the woods

“cmon we’re almost there”

you pushed some branches and shrubs out of the way

and one eventually hit him in the face

“watch it y/n! i keep getting wacked by you”

you just chuckled a bit which oikawa had found adorable in itself

it made his heart slow just hearing it

“just come on!”

eventually you two made it to a clearing over a beautiful lake

he didnt know that there was something like this so close by

he was absolutely amazed by it

“take a seat oikawa! we can rest and eat here!”

this moment was just too perfect to him

with you here he felt as if nothing bad could happen

that if he only could see your smile everything would be alright

being content with just being at your side...was no longer and option

he knew that if he wanted this he needed to take his chance

“y/n”

your eyes were full of life and he couldnt help but feel so happy next to you

and before he knew it he was closing the gap between the two of you with a hand gently cradling your cheek

but right before you two could kiss you were ripped away from him

“dont you dare touch the prince commoner!”

oikawa frantically looked around as many of his guards came out of the brush

“get your hands off of them!”

you were pressed to the ground and the sight almost broke his heart

“sorry your highness but we’re under strict orders to bring you back and throw whoever was seducing you to leave the castle into the dungeon”

the guard that had been on you lifted you up like you were a sack and bound you by rope

you gave oikawa a final smile before you were taken away even though you were so banged up that it made him want to puke

he was speechless

this is what he was talking about

being so controlled and monitored made him feel so small and helpless

and he absolutely abhorred it

“your highness your mother is waiting for you in the throne room”

oikawa was beyond upset

this isnt how he wants to live

“mother how could you throw the only good thing in my life away!”

his mother sneered at his words

“only good thing? what need to you have for that filthy peasant! and how dare you cast me aside as if i hadnt given you everything you own, everything you are is because of me! i will not allow for any of this nonsense! now go wash up. and dont you dare ever leave the castle again and i forbid you from seeing that nasty peasant again. wasting your time with such a person...”

he gritted his teeth and was about turn to leave

his emotions were running too high

he wasnt himself and he knew it

but even so...he wont allow it to end like this

he was going to end it on his terms

“no”

“what did you say?”

he stood his ground

“i said no mother. im going to live the way i want and with who i want. ill gladly give up my title because frankly, i never wanted it in the first place. and dont you ever call y/n filthy or nasty again. their so incredibly kind and full of joy and laughter. i can only hope to be like that one day. so ive decided that im leaving. with y/n.”

as soon as the doors shut behind him he let out the breath he didnt even know he was holding

but it also felt as if there was a giant weight off of him now

“im coming y/n dont you worry”

it had been a couple hours since you were brought to your cell

you didnt have any major injuries, just a few cuts and scratches from when you were body slammed to the ground

“do you mind if i play?”

you pulled out your flute and the guard nodded

“thank you!”

you started playing and filled the cell you were in with a relaxing tune

“why do you play if it doesnt make noise?”

you stopped and looked at the spiky haired man who stood outside your cell

“it takes a certain person to appreciate its music”

he just looked at you as if you were crazy

but you continued anyways

until you heard frantic running coming from down the hall

“iwa you gotta let them out”

oikawa was panting trying to catch his breath

“dude no offense but your mom would kill me and you if i just let them out”

oikawa grabbed the key from iwaizumis waist before he even realized what had happened

“dont worry about it iwa. and dont worry about me. today i start my new life. it was good knowing you buddy”

they gripped hands the way they always had. A solemn but knowing look was shared between them

“if i had known me letting you leave the castle one time would lead to this...i would have done it a lot sooner. good luck out there bud”

oikawa quickly turned to you and helped you off of the ground

“you ready to run?”

he cupped your cheek and ran his thumb over one of the small cuts

hed be sure to treat that later

you nodded and leaned into his hand

“are you sure this is what you want?”

you were happy to leave with him

its more than you could ever ask for

“y/n youre the only person thats made me feel free. and by doing this i will be.”

you two finally got to share the kiss you had been deprived of and not only was it full of love but also full of hope for your future

“then lets go”

and you two sprinted off to your next adventure together

the flute you possessed was one he could no longer hear the sound of after that day

for it was enchanted, only to be be heard by those who were lost and lonely

with you he was neither anymore

and he couldnt be any happier than living out the rest of his days with you as a free man, a bird outside of its cage

[bridgesoverrivers]

hi matt.. or mace.. idk what u want to be called rn or how long itll last but this is just for u to look back on because u dont know how to discuss ur actual feelings so u turn to the void, yet again

instagram is so depressing and so is just about every social media ive cycled through at this point.

ive made several break throughs within my layers of thoughts and also thought loops that i dont know how to quite get out of .. that being said i have made an amazing progress on realising that ive successfully lived alone for 6 months despite dramas with friends, family, friends again, along side mental health and health ontop of it all. living in my apartment can be so depressing sometimes.. its so quiet idk what to do with myself but ive gotten the hang of just doing stuff to stay busy without it becoming excessive or compulsive and it’s really nice tbh.

i need to spend more time writing so that i can actually manage to write an essay to cater for my autistic ass which im so confused about because my cognitive function has significantly reduced and i kinds feel like im in the awkward lost period again; where i cant show affection or think actual thoughts and im just talking random shit 24/7 to fill some void or something.

I got a rat 2 days ago (7/1/21.. ironic lol) , his name is Seven and hes about 6-8 weeks old and hes a total sweetheart so far!! hes very friendly and is starting to enjoy pats and company more and more every time we hang out. he likes my big hoodie that i converted into a slipknot hoodie which i am yet to sew so i can wash it n shit.

I have so many art project ideas im yet to fulfill like making music with chloe, drawing on a bunch of clothes i wanna diy and make cool with black and white patches n shit, make a tattoo flash so i can finally fucking start doing cool things but i keep on procrastinating buying needles/ink/stencils for like what the past 4 years

um my allergies or whatever the fuck it is gets so weird like im literally kinda fucking confused but i need to see an allergist which ive also procrastinated for 2 years.. i might have fucky lymphnodes or some shit to explain why my body hates everything i eat mayhaps but like ummmmmmmmm also got diagnosed with bipolar 2 which im like what noo im fineee but also like bro yeah legit spot on lmfao cause i get real fucking caught up in my thought loops and social habits i dont even realise that “self awareness” is probably the most nonchalant i am cause im probably like kinda manic and my brains just doing some stanky leg spiel shit where im on such a high from it i dont realise its just the bigger picture of it and im not addressing problems or knowing they exist.

but hey, while im in the neutral state or just one of the inbetweens where im still just me and im just vibin and i can be conscious of feelings/actions/environment  and i just get really adhd and super lost in time instead is p good.

i finally feel like my interests are back or a will to have any because god i exist for everything i used to be but that doesnt rlly exist anymore and in 2020 i became a bit of a shell but like 1 step at a time i can get back into it like bruh watching shows or movies wasnt on the agenda for like 2 years thats so friggin long but its finally over and im really looking forward to creating so many cool great things as i grow up and into what really is starting to feel like adulthood;;;; even if everything i fucking do becomes more and more apparent that my brain is abit special and i dont understand alot of shit or do anything abt shit but it is so gucci i am simply travelling through time trying to understand my individuality and perpetual ^   this    ^ shits kinda inevitable but i just have to literally fuckn live love laugh cause fuck u and ur mum lol

i hope one day when u read this u find this as good reflection and u get the hang of some things that seem so far away and out of reach.. youll get there whatever that vision is man :) <3

[yumenokuzu]

this is a vent post so keep scrolling if you dont want to read me complaining...

i hate coming "home" for the holidays. im so uncomfortable being under the same roof as my mom that i can't even stay in the room i grew up in anymore. i can't see the cats that i raised from kittens. nothing is comforting to me anymore when i come home, it's all just a big reminder of my trauma and why i moved out of the state in the first place. i wish i could enjoy my winter break and relax, but instead im just constantly on the verge of tears. i dont even know what i could have done differently growing up so that things wouldn't end up this way... it's even more frustrating to know it's because of decisions other people made, decisions they knew that would hurt me, that have landed me in this position. i have no control over it, the only control i have is that i can choose not to go to that house anymore. but it also hurts knowing i probably never will again.

it's also frustrating to know that the rest of the family knows that im in pain, that im hurt, and they ignore it for the sake of having a nice family gathering. im supposed to "suck it up" so that everyone else can be happy and have a nice time. doesnt matter if my despair is churning in my stomach, i still have to smile for group pictures and contribute to conversations, even when i want to scream. they all think im unreasonable for not talking to my mom anymore and for not staying at her house. they talk about it as if im the one that's in the wrong, like im the one to blame. it hurts to know they think so little of me, enough to think i would cause family drama for fun. i wish i could let them tap into my memories and experience all the times my mom screamed at me, hit me, blamed me for everything that went wrong. how she pitted my sister against me, who still acts like she hates me to this day.

i dont know how much harder i can try to show my family that i just want to be happy and to surround myself with people who treat me with respect and care. is that really selfish of me, after years of emotional abuse? is it crazy that i want to value my own well-being over a toxic mother-daughter relationship? i just dont want to perpetuate the cycle of abuse. i dont want her behaviors to influence me anymore, i dont want to be like her. it's just hard knowing that i have to be somewhat alone in my decision, because my family cares more about keeping up appearances than they do about my mental health.

maybe ill spend next christmas by myself

[pinkletterday]

The Flash 5x4!!!

I am HYPED, you guys! FINALLY WE FIND OUT WHAT'S UP WITH MOMMA AND BABY.

Whatever it is Im going to deeply empathize with and love both of them.

Idk who this stupid af bitch is running straight into a blazing hail of fireballs and trying to take selfies but I hate her.

Iris. Iris. Baby. Hahahahaha Nora knows what a disaster her Mom is in the kitchen. I love you sfm Iris.

Hey Nora this version of your Mom just met you so hold back on the teenage sass, okay?

Ok this isnt funny anymore my heart is aching for Iris.

Young lady sit back down and eat that breakfast your Mom made for you.

"Make you a banana" lmaoooo this is why Barry does all the cooking. Gawd I love the domesticity.

I love that Iris can't cook. It just adds to her perfection. I guess I really am a fool in love, huh?

Oh God this guy. Shut up shut up shut up. Did this buffoon just call Cisco Ramon not brave???

I wish Ralph would take the lead here. That's right, I like Ralph now. This season is magic.

I would find this softball thing adorkable and hilarious if it wasn't for the fact that Barry is literally the Flash. It doesn't make a lick of sense. Would have been much more interesting if Barry had turned into a star athlete overnight and everyone just boggled.

Otoh it provides an interesting (read: hilarious) look at their dynamic growing up. Their different dorknesses cancel each other out.

I am irked. Why is the Flash a hopeless athlete? HE CATCHES KNIVES OUT OF THE AIR. How does he just switch off his co-ordination?

Kinda nice seeing all the ladies together like that though. Cecile is a gift.

NORA IS A GAY THIS IS NOT A DRILL WE HAVE A BABY QUEER IN THE HOUSE aaaaaand you are seriously trying my patience here. Be rude to your mother one more time. See how that goes.

Oooh Momma Bear is on the case! *hearteyes*

See, Baby Giraffe is already better at this than The Fraudulent Frenchie.

I hate to say it but based on that lumberjane chic I think we have another queer in the house. But this one we don't want.

Loool "like her size extra small". I hate to say it but thats a way better reason for her codename than "excess" ugh.

No it was different because she never knowingly put the people she was writing about in danger you asshat. God I wish you weren't so pretty.

Another black man wrongly accused. What up, America.

...Joe what. You guys. Jesse Martin looks bad. IS HE OKAY I AM SERIOUSLY CONCERNED.

Momma coaching Baby through speedster things! Because Barry taught her that one time she was a speedster. I can't handle this. My heart.

She FINALLY thanked her! Iris's smile.

My girls. I can't.

OMG SOMEONE REMEMBERS EARLY EDITION! I loved that show!

Also. Iris West, ace reporter, always better than fake hoes. Watch and learn, padawan.

Am sad we're not getting any Cisco Ramon. I hope Carlos is enjoying his mini-vacay. Otoh, I really like that Caitlin is included in the West-Allen circle this ep.

I wonder why Nora doesnt call Cait and Cisco Aunt and Uncle. They must be the godparents.

It's okay Ralph. Some leads don't pan out. If Shitloque was an actual detective he'd know that.

But I love that the heroes of Central City can walk around in public and interact freely. Oliver's team would need to break in and scare the bejesus out of some poor unsuspecting sod.

NORA IS A DISASTER LESBIAN CONFIRMED. Or probably a disaster bi like her Dad. I AM LOVIN' THIS.

THAT MOMENT WHEN THE PENNY DROPS FOR BARRY THAT HIS DAUGHTER IS A GAY LMAOOO

Fuck I love that Iris never even blinked when Nora said Spencer was cute. She probably sussed it way before. I love you Momma West-Allen.

Oh no oh no I was right. Iris pulled a Joe West. Goddamn it. I mean I get why, I get how traumatized and scared she must have been but IRIS NO YOU DON'T LIE TO YOUR CHILDREN TO PROTECT THEM. Remember how you felt when your Dad did that to you?

I am legit heartbroken, you guys. I really wanted to be wrong. I blame Joe West's goddamn patriarchal shitty parenting for perpetuating this cycle of lies.

I swear to God if this show tries to justify lying and manipulating your kid again I'm going to give up on it. It's triggering as all fuck (I still havent recovered from S1 and 2) and I need Iris to be held accountable when she fucks up, not let her turn into another Fefe who can do no wrong.

Jesus Christ Iris, trying to force a conversation with Nora by invading her privacy and ignoring her need for space is not okay. BOUNDARIES, girl.

Oh okay but she's holding herself accountable thank fuck. I mean, Barry's right she can't be blamed for what she might do in the future but IT'S STILL WRONG.

I was actually shaking. Friendly reminder that survivors of parental abuse and manipulation are also watching this show, some of us with CPTSD.

"What if my Dad did something like that to you"?? Er. Iris? Remember when he lied to you for twenty years about your mother being dead and you didn't talk to him for six months?

Oh here we go. You've stood there like a gormless beanpole for three episodes without so much as trying to intervene Barry and this is how you choose to comfort your wife. Not "yes, it's a bad thing and we can't know what led you to the choices future you made but in the here and now you know not to. We can learn from the future and make different choices, Iris."

PUNCH HIM IN THE THROAT, CAITLIN.

...I just meant for frightening Caitlin, but he actually wants to be punched?

Ooooh that was satisfying! Pretty sure her form was all wrong but can't argue with the results.

I love how fucking competent Iris is??? She knows how to use the entire STAR Labs tech arsenal. Although that Vibe device kinda defeats the whole purpose of breechers. It's like if they had a device lying around that could give just anyone super speed.

Not sure how Spencer thinks XS can kill Flash. One's a n00b and the other is veteran.

Wait, Baby Flash can do what now?

I don't like that they had to dumb Barry down so much to give Iris a chance to shine. A couple can both be competent at the same time! It's called being a power couple! Not one-half Idiot Ball couple!

So her phone got powers? Huh??

Ah yes. Dark Matter. More multi-purpose than Quantum.

Okay cool Ralph is getting his due. "Less right" LOL

"That puts meta-human powers in the hands of anyone" kinda like having a Breeching device, no?

We have meta-humans, meta-phones, meta-daggers (a tech dagger??) HOLY SHIT WHAT IF THE DARK MATTER HIT A HOME DEPOT?? How many people now have meta-vacuum cleaners? Meta-dishwashers?? Meta-can openers??

Oh God. No. Not this.

No. You do not lie and manipulate your kids to protect them. You do not do that. Love is no justification.

Don't Barry don't. Stop stop.

I can't watch this. FUCK YOU.

FOR GOD'S SAKE SHE'S CRYING AND SHAKING YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO COMFORT HER AND MAKE HER FEEL SAFE NOT STAND ON YOUR PILE OF BULLSHIT WITHOUT GIVING A FLYING FUCK.

No, cry all you want. I have no sympathy for either one of you callous asshats. You fucking destroyed that girl. Fuck Joe West for having raised you to think this way.

Yeah no Joe West is not who you want to go to in these matters, Nora.

I don't even care about Cicada anymore.

I should have known this show would never get any less gross.

Look, I was fully prepared to be sympathetic to Iris, traumatized, alone and single mother to a meta-child in a dangerous world to have made some bad decisions. And I do empathize. But I wasn't prepared for present-day Barry and Iris to justify and rationalize that shit. I thought they were going to say "That was a bad thing your Mom did. I'm sure she thought she was protecting you but she may have lost sight of how much it hurts to have your choices taken away from you. But I'm not that woman, Nora. I know I could never bear to see you hurting like this. I can still make better choices. Please give me a chance?"

Not "No I am your Mom and everything I do is right and good because I love you, I'm sorry if you feel hurt about it but them's the facts."

They did this when Barry and Joe lied to Iris all through S1, when Joe lied to Iris about her mother. This show is still all about apologia for lying and manipulation because LOVE AND GOOD INTENTIONS AND TO PROTECT YOU BY DISRESPECTING THE FUCK OUT OF YOU AND TAKING AWAY YOUR AGENCY.

Parental love is not a justification. Most abuse takes place at the hands of parents who really believe they're doing it for their children's protection. Please never say "your parents have every right to hurt you to protect you because they love you". Do you even care at all.

I'm not okay. Gonna take a break from fandom for a while. Can't deal with people taking Iris's side to protect their Westallen feels. Fuck both of them.

I'm posting this but please don't engage me to argue about it. Massively triggered.

[mxniomei]

anon here back to yell about the latest chapter of hunger like a storm… read thru the whole thing again and has totally forgotten how hard hitting some of felix’s dialogue is you had me straight up crying with half of that it’s insane how i , as the reader, know how much the rest of the boys want him (so so fucking badly) but felix cannot see past the fact that for some reason he is a burden to them all and the contradiction of it all breaks my heart … like lowkey the implications of their day to day relationships being impacted as well it’s like … everyone is pining for felix and felix is pining for everyone but they’re over there and he’s over here alone like gahhhhhhhhh my heart … please let chan give him the bite please let him join the pack please let the boys take care of him in the way he wants

u didnt ask for an essay but i accidentally wrote an essay so its under the cut if ur interested

the problem with ot7 and lix is that they cant understand each other

1. they're coming at the issue from fundamentally different places. Felix is trying to solve being a burden and ot7 are trying to solve Felix's unhappiness. ot7 don't think Felix is a burden, so Felix is solving a problem that doesn't exist. bc the problem doesn't actually exist, he can never solve it, and he can't be happy bc not solving the nonexistent problem is keeping him from happiness. ot7 can't make Felix happy bc Felix has trapped himself in that cycle i just mentioned and it is self perpetuating, but they don't understand that and can't break it bc of it.

2. Felix is running a lot of risks with his health in A/B/O i think it's fair to say sexual health is taken seriously and here while I'm using it as a metaphor for PMS and other such things, in universe he's taking near hallucinogens to get his symptoms under control-- just his symptoms him framing this as a "i don't want to be a burden" situation is ACTIVELY playing against his best health interests. heat shots are considered dangerous and Minho can't believe he'd consider them-- showing how little both parties understand about the other's thoughts on the situation at hand until Felix treats this as a "i need to figure out if i can deal with the disease and work from there" he's not gonna get better mentally nor physically. also Minho is putting a lot of faith into hormone therapy but there's really no guarantee it'll be the right answer.

3. they're all wishing for the same things without considering how that may...go everyone wants Felix to be normal right? but chronic illness doesn't work that way. you can't just "be" normal. you live with symptoms forever and also even if you can take meds or do therapy or whatever for it, you'll be doing that forever and that's gotta be ok and nobody in hlas has accepted that they keep insisting Felix is normal and just "going through something" and Felix has generally hidden the severity of it they've gotta come to terms with the fact he may never be ok enough to bite but they can't accept that reality...which leads back to point one: Felix feels like a burden because he can't be bitten, among other things.

some other less related points:

this also all stems from the fact that felix really doesnt show the severity of what hes carrying. minho mentions it in ch 6, but felix doesnt share how badly his heats get to him, and also never shares the psychological impact of them either. the reality is, whos to say felix hasnt already had hallucinations from the tryptibutyl? we’re only getting one heat of at least 6-8 within his lifetime if we presume that the pattern is always 2 years (which it isnt bc it’s established that theyre unstable heats) and tryptibutyl is the main thing he takes. plus tryptibutyl aside, the impact of being unable to keep a regular heat would make any omega in a society that values their ability to have kids over them go crazy.

that along with minho, who Felix sees as this ideal omega who has perfect cycles and never has to deal with the shit felix does and gets to have a bite and gets to be everything felix has ever wanted, has got to sting. and its got to sting more with the fact felix loves him, no matter if hes jealous of minhos life

its all cyclical at this point, and along with a few other things, this is whats keeping them from bein ot8.

thanks for coming to my ted talk i guess

[dumbbitchfrommars]

THE PART THAT REALLY IRKS ME is that they can’t even acknowledge the level of crap I put up with before I reach this breaking point, like I was doing so well, you still point out what needs to be fixed, like just fucking appreciate my strengths

WHY IS MY BRAIN LIKE TBIS why is no one good enough why am I not good enough it’s a vicious cycle, I need help but the help DOESNT help?

Stop perpetuating this idea kf me in your dumbass head, fucking let it go, cause that’s not me. I wish I FUCKING WISH I could just keep everything to myself like a Scorpio or capricorn, why can’t I keep it all in, I don’t want anyone to know this much of me, it’s fucking horrifying, and I feel completely exposed and judged and vulnerable and criticised like just FUCK. OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[fruitpunchninja101]

Perks of Coincidences Characters: Hanji Zoe x Levi Genre: Humor / Romance (AU)

Disclaimer: All characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author of this story. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any previously copyrighted material. No copyright infringement is intended. 

____________________________________________________________________

A gust of frosty air blast trough every window in the city.The night was particularly calm and serene only to be interrupted by a loud explosion which pulled Nanaba out of her dreamless sleep.Swiftly,she put on her robes and rushed towards the laboratory downstairs.Upon opening the door,she found her best friend Hange crouched on the floor rocking back and forth,hands tugging on her scalp while wailing in frustration as droplets of blood and pieces of flesh slid down her face.Apparently,the pig's heart shes been experimenting on exploded while testing its limits.She approached her friend ignoring all the bits and pieces of gore splatterd on the floor and the tiled walls.Carefully,she crouched beside the brunette and placed a firm hand on her back making gentle circles to calm her down.

"You need to take a break" she whispered softly as she observed her friends face.Prominent dark circles formed underneath her eyes and dry cracked lips only meant that shes sleep deprived and dehydrated.No wonder her experiments are failing.

As if not hearing her,Hange fished a recording device from her labcoat pocket "Experiment number 65 failed"She murmured as she pushed herself off the floor.The brunette halted when she felt a quick pull on her sleeve.

"Hange!"The blonde raised her tone to snap her friend back to reality. "Nanaba?How long have you been there?" Nanaba let out and exasperated sigh while running a hand trough her scalp"fiteen minutes"she mentioned with mild reproach as she pushed herself upright.

Its the same cycle all the time.Hange losing track of time,missing meals and then the inevitable happens...something explodes.

Its been two weeks since Nanaba got enggaged,since then shes is in a perpetual worrying limbo for her friend.Hange tends to spend most of her days cooped up on her laboratory tinkering with god knows what,laughing creepily as she writes down notes.The blonde doesnt want her friend to hole up in her laboratory for the rest of her life.Her friend needed a good distraction. A new boyfriend perhaps?She asked herself as she guided the brunette to the sink stationed at the corner of the laboratory turning on the faucet and started helping her wipe the blood off her face.

"Whats up with that look?"The brunette asked her as she cleaned off her glasses.

"I need you to bring a plus 1 on my wedding day."Nanaba mentioned as she turned off the faucet.

"Sure,Ill ask Moblit if hes free."Hange inattentively replied as she pulled out paper towels from the dispenser mounted on the wall.

"No!Not your lab assitant Hange!A real plus 1...like a boyfriend or something."

The brunette simply crossed her arms in front of her chest and gave the blonde a questioning look."What this all of a sudden?"

Nanaba looked Hange dead in the eye and held both her shoulders."Hange,you need to meet new people.Once I get married you will be left alone and I worry about you." Hange can see how anxious the blonde was and she admittedly had the right reason to be.Hange knows shes not the most responsible adult especially when it comes to taking care of herself.Who has time to worry about trivial things such as showers and food when she could be saving lives by pressing on with her researches.The brunette took a deep breath.As much as she doesnt like where this conversation is going,she decided to help ease her friends concern by considering her request.

"Okay,how am I supposed to find a plus 1?"Hange replied with a soft smile.

"Oh I have a few Ideas..."

And thus began Hange's Blind date fiasco.

#

Its been three months since the pigs heart disaster.During that time Hange had been through six failed blind dates.Most of the guys she met run for the hills once the brunette starts talking about the morbid parts of her research.In her defense,she was never bothered by the fact that she scares people off by the aberrant details of her work.'Whats the point of spending time with someone who doesnt understand the importance of my contribution to humanity?'she recalled her usual reponse whenever Nanaba asks her to tone down her eccentricity.Shes unapologetically herself which is both her strength and weakness.

It has been three nights since Hange slept.At this point, shes literally sitting in a pile of garbage; dicarded pages from her past researches,bottles of booze,coffee and energy drink cans were disorderly spread across her floor. Suddenly,a loud thud echoed the room when the back of the door hit the wall.

"Hange what happned to you!?"Nanaba stood by the door and gave her friend distraught look.

"Hey Nanaba!"Hange sang out as she peeled her eyes off her laptop screen and gave her bestfriend a gleaming grin reasurring her that shes fine.

"Your assistant called me he said you havent left your office for three days." she mentioned with slight anguish as she desperately tried to shuffle off the mess splayed on the floor.

"Three days already?" Her eyeglasses sat slightly askew resting at the tip of her nose.Gently,Nanaba pushed them into its right place while tsking."Seriously Hange how did you become an adult?"

"Beats me."Hange chuckled as she stood up and streched her limbs for the first time in a couple of hours.She gave a sigh of relief as she heared her joints click into place and felt blood coursing trough her limbs once again.

"I brought lunch."The blonde mentioned as she settled a paper bag on Hange's desk.

"Whats the occasion?"

"Do I need an occasion to bring lunch for my bestfriend?"Nanaba responded as she walked towards the window opening it letting the sunlight slip trough the room. Despite the unquestionable concern the blonde has for her,Hange cant shake off the doubious vibe Nanabas throwing at her.She only uses the term "bestfriend" whenever she needs something. Seeing that Hange has her all figured out, Nanaba decided drop the act."Okay! okay! you caught me.You see,I set you up with Mike's friend at work."

"Not this again"the brunette said as she face palmed herself with the thought.

#

"You seem really hungry.Did you skip breakfast again?You look paler than before.Seriously Hange,You need to take better care of yourself from now on.Especially now that Im not gonna be around you all the time."

"Youre starting to sound like Moblit you know."Hange gulped swallowing the last of her food "Im gonna be fine.You dont need to-"

"I know youre gonna be fine,but youre still not getting out of this date.He's gonna meet you at Sina Cafe 2pm.He says hes gonna wear a black pullover sweater."

"Thats a pretty vauge description.Can't you just show me a photo of the guy?"

"No!That will ruin the surprise!I met with him last week,Hes a real sweetheart and handsome too!You're gonna love him."

"You said the same exact thing about the 6 other guys you've set me up with.None of them worked out.''

"Give this guy a chance...I have a good feeling about him"

" Whatever you say Nanabannana."The brunette tiredly responded.She knows this one is gonna be a disaster just like the other blind dates that shes been before.But shes doing this to ease her friends anxiety so shes going to try her best not to fuck this one up."Oh and by the way,I have a presentation for my research tomorrow so I might go over a few pages while Im there.You have to warn him."Hange added as she typed away from her computer.

"Can't it wait until after your date?"

"Science never waits for anyone!Besides,I'm pretty good at multi tasking."

Nanaba released a sigh of defeat.In the end,nobody can tear Hange Zoe away from her precious work.

#

Its 3:00pm and Hange's late for her date.So much for not fucking it up this time she thought.Clutching her satchel bag to her chest she used her right shoulder to push the cafe door open only to end up slamming against it.It took her a few seconds to realize her mistake,the door clearly says pull.Its as if the heavens are giving her a sign not to push throughthis date.A coffee shop employee opened the door and offered his hand to help her stand up."Thank you uhmm.." she pushed her glasses back to place in order to read the metal name plate pinned on the mans chest."Eren" she continued."No problem maam!"The kid smiled as he held the door open for her.Hange gave an apologetic shy smile as she entered and took in the welcoming aroma of rich coffee the cafe provided.Her eyes roamed around the place.The walls are lined with aged brick and provided fancy leather chesterfield sofas partnered with sturdy mahogany tables.Good thing the whole place practically screamed "This place is for serious adults.No whiny brats allowed".Which meant she doesnt have to deal with too much noise while working on her paper. She scanned the place looking for a guy that matched Nanaba's description.There he is,the only guy sitting alone in the whole shop.Wearing a black pullover sweater and jeans.His legs crossed while his brows were knit together,obiviously enthralled by whatever he's reading.Hange tilted her head to the side to peek on his book."Dark tower...nice"She whispered.She took a deep breath and flashed the biggest smile she can muster as she walked towards the man.

#

"Dad-a-chum? Dum-a-chum? Ded-a-chek? Did-a-chick?"

The raven haired man didnt repond but instead he peeled his eyes off his book and scoweld at the woman who inturrupted him.

"Lobstosities...Dark tower?"She sang out as she pointed on his book.

"I know what lobstosities are.I'm reading the fucking book."he responded matterfactly.

"Geez!You kiss your mother with that mouth captain grumpy pants?"She teased still beaming the most charming smile.

"Didnt your mother tell you thats its rude to interrupt people minding their own business?"

"Its also rude not to ask a lady to sit down...Mind if I join you?" Nonchalantly ignoring his cold response.

"Yes."He replied in a monotonous tone.Apparently,his answer had no use.Shes already pulling up a chair from the table accross them.She dragged it out across the room earning a screeching sound that obviously garnered looks from the other tables.He opened his mouth and closed it.Its not worth it he thought as he returned his gaze on his book. Hange sat infront of of him. She placed an elbow on the table and propped her chin on her palm.She stared at him waiting for him to say something about her tardiness.

"Well?"He mentioned plainly.

"Well what?"The brunette asked.

"Don't stare four eyes.Just do whatever you need to do."

Hange felt relief.It seems Nanaba warned him about her reports.Maybe,he was also forced unto this date.Either way shes glad hes cool with it.

"I wouldnt call it staring per se.Id like to call it observing.Dont be such a grump shorty I'm just analyzing if Im sitting with a nice person."

"Shorty?"He lifted his gaze from his book and stared at her one eye twitching with irritation.

"Just an observation,Averaging your eye level and shoulder height youre probably like...what?5'3?"

The man responded with a glare.Not even his closest friends dare exploit his insecurity in his face like that.

"And a half?"Hange added gingerly.But all she got was an angry stare "I'll take that as a yes!"She gave him a triumphant smile.

The raven haired man did not respond and continued glaring at the eccentric woman as she started setting up her laptop,struggling to detangle knotted cords.How was this woman able to mess up cables like that?Her efforts to straighten them out are only making her problems worse.His hands are aching to yank the cords away from her hands and detangle it himself.'Tch..pathetic'He thought.

"Now look whos staring"she mentioned without looking at him still trying to figure out how to solve her cord problem.He simply scoffed at her and got back to his book.When shes finally done wrestilng with the cords,the brunette bent to plug her laptop on the outlet on the floor and when she sat back up she hit her head under the table almost spilling the cup of tea sitting on top of it earning an exasperated sigh from the man infront of her.

#

Thank God shes done talking.Levi thought to himself.He started feeling relief when silence engulfed them for a while.He can finally get some peace and...nope.Shes done talking and moved on to murmuring accopanied by creepy laughter as she typed on her laptop.Levi rolled his eyes.He wasnt even reading at this point.Hes just staring on his book reading a sentence over and over desperately trying to block out everything shes mumbling.After a while,he gave up and shifted his attention from his book and glanced at her.

"Do you really need to mumble while doing that?"

"Doing what?" "Whatever it is that youre doing?"he said as he gestured to her laptop.

"Oh,this?Sorry!Its just I had this really interesting project.You see,Theres this animal that doesn't secrete feces and we are trying to figure out if it can help us improve bowel programs for paralized people or better yet,build better artificial organs." His head perked up a little.something about what she said piqued his interest and before he can even stop himself words came tumbling out of his mouth. "Theres an animal that doesnt shit?" He immeditely wanted to punch himself in the face when he saw her eyes lit up like christmas lights.'Goddamit Im supposed to shut her up not encourage her!'He internally berated himself. The raven haired man didnt hide his unwillingness to listen as the woman started explaining scientific things which he doesnt have any idea about.Still,he quipped and threw retorts to her statements every now and then. The brunette turned her laptop to him and showed him a photo.

"These babies are called Demodex Mites.They're microscopic animals that dont have anuses.They basically store their wastes inside their body till they die".

"Well thats a shitty way to live."He answered as he placed his hand on the rim of his cup took a sip of his tea.

"Wow,Is that a pun? I'd better write that one down. "she sarcastically replied as she beamed a smile. He ignored her and went back to reading. The brunette let out a small chuckle as she tucked a piece of her hair behind her ear dug trough her remaining paper work.

They fell in a comfortable silence after that,with occasional mumbles from Hange from time to time which at this point Levi got used to and was able to tune her out.Hange tilted her head a little to take in his facial features.Dark raven locks in a neat undercut and pale blue eyes which hid behind his dark circles.Hes definately not the sweetheart Nanaba hinted at,but his snappy comebacks and dry responses amused her.

"You are staring again."

"I just realized that never got your name.Mine's Hange...Hange Zoe." She extended her right arm.

"Levi" He mentioned plainly.Staring at her offered hand."I'm not touching that.You just said youre working with shit animals"

"Well,technically they dont deficate so..."The brunette stopped herself midsentence when Levi gave him a look which she cannot place if its confusion or annoyance.

Hange pulled her arm away chuckling."Fair enough...No last name?"

"Why do you wanna know?"

"Why nice to meet you Levi Why do you wanna know.Thats a pretty uncommon last name"

"Youre the worst."

"So I have been told...You know what,I was very skeptical walking over here a while ago since I was late and all but good thing Nanaba set this up."

"Late with what? and who's Nanaba?"Levi asked her while his eyes were still on his book.

"What do mean late with what? and how come you dont know Nanaba?"

"Four eyes,theres 7 billion people on earth.You cant expect me to know everyone of them.And I couldnt careless with whatever it is you're late for."He shifted his gaze from his book to Hange.

"What?Wait!Aren't you here for the date?"

"We're on a date?"He raised an eyebrow.

A thousand questions ran trough Hange's head. but before she can even open her mouth Levi's phone rang.He held a finger as he answered the call. "I'm on my way."Levi responded to the person on the other line.The man looked a bit disoriented as he looked at her with outmost bewilderment with what she just said. Hange heared a faint click as the call ended.

Levi took a last sip of his tea and stood up."See you around four eyes"

"Yeah,See you around shorty"Hange responded faintly almost sounding like a whisper.Watching the man fish his car keys out of his pockets and leave the cafe.

Hange was left dumbfounded as the realization dawned upon her.She sat with a random stranger on a cafe and assumed he's her date.

_____________________________________________________________________

Hello Everyone!

This is my very first fanfic so it will be a bit rough around the edges.I'm very hesitant to post this since I'm not much for writing but I really want to practice and learn.Hey!Nothing ventured nothing gained right?I had this story idea in my brain for almost a week now and I just have to share this with my fellow LeviHan shippers out there!I wrote this on my phone so theres probably a lot of spelling errors etc.Please bear with me.Ill definitely try to transfer the rest of the chapters on a word document next time. I'll also do my best to update this every week.(I dont promise that but I'll try my best I swear.)

Contructive critisism is very much appreciated!(Please go easy on me.)Also,I'm not a native english speaker so theres that.

Check out chapter 2 on AO3 !

[somedaypast-thesunset]

i constructed this personality. and ts like.. i’m not going to say arrogant because i wouldnt call it that. it’s really like a borderline manipulation? maybe? it’s hard to speak about yourself in such terribly harsh terms. but i think it is manipulative in .. a number of ways. like i definitely control how i could be perceived on a certain level and i’m intelligent enough to follow cues of like how i can “get over” on certain people.

this is very much like my own mother.

and then these people, i “use” them as a way to continually cement whatever delusional beliefs i have in myself at that time. and this is why i prefer to cultivate individual relationships rather than group ones because i can better control perception and beliefs with one person at a time. and this is why its very easy to drop people when my perceptions of myself have shifted. but many of these perceptions are negative - i feel depressed. i want the people around me to feed my depression and if they dont, well they don’t understand or respect how i’m living. 

and the thing is - i totally bought into my own bullshit. in these moments, i whole heartedly believe i am a true victim of life and circumstances - maybe i am, who the fuck knows but that is my fucking identity and it needs to be acknowledged. 

if one version of my beliefs contradicts another and ive sold them to two different people, those two cannot co exist in my life.

i definitely use sex as a manipulation tool as well but i also have genuine love. like it’s probably sick mental illness love but i really do have love. 

im failing in large professional group situations because i cannot control the individual perceptions of me and i am very... sensitive but not necessarily insecure to any perceived negativity towards me and those things ruminate so i try to avoid those people again for that particular reason. 

but the thing is i’m not trying to control their perception so they think i’m great. i don’t care about that. i just want them to believe what i think of myself. and i generally think i’m a victim and incapable and traumatized to paralyzation. but again, i believe this. i whole heartedly believe i am this person at this time and it affects me; i’m depressed, suicidal, trapped, isolated etc. and i express these feelings to have them confirmed from others, much like seeking approval, so that cycle can continue and i end up in a complete breakdown, wanting to die and suffocating, reaching out for help that i’m never really going to get.

but this personality is really really really ingrained in order to protect myself. i dont want people to know that this is all just a rouse and i’m just building a weird psychosis against society until my mental barriers of right an wrong break down. i’m nuts. i would never in a millio years show anyone these rwritings because it is a true testament to how bat shit insane i truly am. there are small breaks in between but its soooo up and down. 

in january - while being on medication, i had a bit of apathy and some issues with warren which worked themselves out but i still felt isolated which probably had something to do ith “under appreciated” and “being misunderstood”; both pretty big red flags to a negative perception of reality. i had some lingering anger about society. in march i continued to feel isolated and i guess thought living together ould solve the problem because i was happy ith him but also happy about answering to no one. 

in april i decided to apply for college; i was sometimes taking the medication i as prescribed but would miss 2 - 3 days before i stopped taking it altogether. still, i felt isolated but also seemed to just be ignorant to how much harm i had caused in the previous three months of dealing ith someone who was living in their own altered reality. 

by june i hit a severe depression; i wasnt taking any medication at all and i was severly unhappy with everyone around me. i had to move, i was accepted to college but couldnt bear leaving and starting over again 

july i had been prescribed anti depressants that i did not take at all. i was very aggravated and very depressed and felt like he didnt care about it (probably because i was unhappy with everyone for a month)

in august i had a lot of seperation anxiety and frustration with my ‘professional life’ i’m not even sure exactly what it was but i wrote in my notes ‘self delusional’ and underlined it so i feel like i as super delusional about myself or how i was acting and i was beginning to ruminate much more on my trauma. 

by september im completely focused on my trauma and shifting the blame and a lot of stress about moving and the whole finding him apartments thing and just an overall disconnect in communication.

in october, i’m now just in rambling self delusions and resentful at him, probably about moving. i am back to being unhappy about society 

by november i’m focused on socieety, i feel isolated, i have extreme anxiety and victimizing myself. 

this is really rare evidence in my life, written by the most accurate source. i cannot argue with myself. all i can do is look at it and accept it for what it is and i would really rather forget how really not good this is. like lbr, it’s look like had i continued to take the medication even at a super staggered pace i wouldve been 5% better in life. instead i went off of it and went back to severly wanting to die. 

so i guess - kudos to myself for being pretty fucking insane and still making it to 28 years old. thats actually really good. 

i think im ready to genuinely lose him. not in like a “oh fuck u  i hate u” kind of way but that i understand that for what i do want, i’m not mentally well enough to have it from him, someone who has all the right in the world to go live a normal rich life. even crazy, i do deserve someone who loves me and ants to be with me and will also help me. its like my former best friend; i knew she deserved better and i think he deserves a better chance at least. 

he told me to write him a list of ways he could help me. 

- i want to share a life with someone. you either continue out of pity or by defaullt to ask me to come to your house and participate in your life but you do not understand the weight of “sharing a life”. it means having and planning a future together, to have the expectation that this person will be around and apart of your support system and you might need to accomidate them to do so. right now it’s easy. youre “fulfilling the role” except for any indication of stability or a future. the more time i spend with someone who pretends to share a life with me but doesnt actually commit to a stable future, the more it feeds into my own self hatred, perpetuating the cycle. i would not second guess everything if i truly believed i have a normal legitimate future with you. i wouldnt spend time ruminiating and second guessing and cycling and spiraling into past trauma. to help me is to commit or walk away.