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aro-is-gay-af · 3 years

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The Midnight of Despair | Volturi Kings x fem!reader

As you all can see, I got carried away just a little with this one. It was supposed to be a one-shot, but I'm planning at least part two, since this part got soooo long.

Anyway!

I hope you'll enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing. Sorry for any grammatical errors, as well as any confusion with syntax. English isn't my native but I always try my best! Constructive criticism is always welcomed.

Please, pay attention to the warnings. If you are uncomfortable with any of the topics, simply do not read.

I pictured here Aro from the films (as Michael Sheen is perfect for this part), Caius from the films (maybe a little bit older) and Marcus from the films but his younger self (maybe 20?). Also, I wrote at one point that [Y/N] has blonde hair and blue eyes but it just helped me with the descriptions. Obviously, you can picture characters according to your wishes.

Warnings: Rape (graphic description!), Depression, PTSD, Swear words, Forced Pregnancy

Word count: 7816 (!)

Summary: [Y/N] and Bella are childhood friends. They were always there for each other. [Y/N] had tough times and struggles with everyday life. Bella faces depression after Edward had left her. [Y/N] tries to get her going and alive. One day [Y/N] is raped and gets pregnant with the rapist. Not long after that it turns out that Edward got himself into the mess with Volturi. [Y/N], even traumatized and in pieces, will not let Bella go without her supervision to Italy. What is going to happen when [Y/N] will stay at Volterra? Is she really predestined to be Kings' mate? Is she going to have her baby or abort the pregnancy? Will the trauma go away or is she going to struggle for a long time?

You thought that the death of your parents was enough to break you. As they say, if you’re not willing to bend, you’ll break. And you did. After all.

Ever since you’ve been born, everything went downhill. You were a weak child and within your first five years of life, you’ve gone through countless surgeries. Something was terribly wrong with your spine and the doctors were worried that you wouldn't be able to move normally.

You got your ‘happily ever after’. After fourteen surgeries and taking more than a dozen medications, you could be considered healthy. It made you remember the better part of your childhood. At this point, you couldn’t even recall constant visits at hospital or ingesting enormous amount of drugs.

What you could recall, was the agony that your mom went through while dying of pancreatic cancer. You tried to help her but there was literally no help available. Sure, chemo did help, but only a little tiniest bit. When someone got this type of cancer, there was only one way to die. It was neither pretty, nor pleasant.

So your mother died when you were sixteen. Your father followed shortly after her. He suffered from severe depression after your mother’s passing, but it was the car accident that got him killed. You were just before your graduation.

You’ve finished school and tried to go on. It wasn’t exactly an easy path to follow. You had the feeling that fate had made you its whore and the devil knows his jokes. Somehow, you got through college. You used the money from your dad's insurance policy entirely for your education. It was the only thing you could do to secure your future.

At 22, you got a job at the same hospital where doctor Cullen worked. You were a nurse on the paediatrics ward, but the hospital in Forks was so small that you often found yourself working with doctor Cullen. He was always kind to you and exuded a fatherly warmth. However, like everyone from Cullen family, he was slightly withdrawn from all conversations and social activities.

You noticed a slight change in his behaviour when your best friend, Bella, started dating with the doctor's youngest son, Edward. Carlisle has been talking to you more and more. The conversations weren't long – more like short exchanges of words, whether about his family’s well-being or any leisure activities both of you devoted yourselves after work. Nevertheless, you started calling each other by the others’ given name.

You met with Bella on average once a week. Sure, you were four years older than her, but the age difference never was a problem. You always got along well, and age had nothing to do with it. With time, you've watched Bella thrive during her relationship with Edward and you've enjoyed her happiness. Your relationship had loosened a little, but you didn't hold it against her. With Forks being so small, you could easily meet Bella on the street or in a shop and talk to her about silly things or this boyfriend of hers. It made her blush furiously every time you brought up the topic, especially if Edward waited nearby.

And then, just like that, something snapped. Of course, you heard about their huge quarrel about god knows what, and that Bella wanted to make herself scarce immediately. Charlie called you that night if , by any chance, you could talk some sense into her. Bella not once picked up her phone and then she got her stupid ass into the hospital. And magically reconciled with Edward. That’s when you started to be suspicious. Something wasn’t right about this situation, at all, but you let it be.

Time passed and even though you liked Carlisle as a colleague, you became gradually suspicious about him and his family. Things that you noticed were little, almost insignificant, but something told you that there’s more than meets the eye. Bella herself began to limit contact with you, mainly due to her lack of time for Edward. But when you did get a chance to meet and talk, the subject of Edward still came to the surface.

You tried to understand your friend, while not understanding her at all. You also were in love once but your mother's illness and then your father's death took too much of a toll on you, to experience your first love in such an intense way. It was incomprehensible to you, how Bella could lose her head so much for this boy. And yet you tried, tried to be there when Bella needed you the most. Simply because you were a good friend and also because you needed a friend.

You were left alone, out in this world, with no one to care about and no one to love. Only Bella, as present and, most importantly, alive person, connected you with your childhood and good memories from that time. She was the only one left. You considered her your family and you didn’t want to lose her too. Not after all you’ve been through.

At the day of her birthday, you saw her quickly after her school. You gave her a small gift and you both agreed to meet a day later because Edward's family had invited her to stay at their place. After that birthday, everything changed. The next day Bella went missing. You went to her house exactly as agreed and Charlie said she had been gone for a few hours.

When Bella was found later that evening by Sam, Charlie's colleague, everything became frighteningly clear. The Cullens had moved out of town. Apparently, Carlisle had gotten a lucrative job somewhere else. That didn't surprise you, he was a really great doctor. But how could he not mention a word of it to you? Not that you were so close to him but you considered him a good comrade of yours and moving out of town like this, without a word… It seemed extremely strange to you.

The months that followed were very similar. Bella fell into a deep depression and apathy. You came to visit her, but during these visits it was mainly you who talked. You talked about work, about your next qualification course and about the anniversary of your mum's death. Bella mostly remained silent. Charlie confirmed that, yes, she did go to school, but apart from that, she sat in her room all day and stared at the window.

You knew from Charlie that she was slowly trying to reconnect with her friends. And that she was spending a lot of time with that boy from the reservation. You were happy because it meant that your friend was slowly coming back to life. Maybe not back to normal, not yet, but at least she was trying. And you were trying too. To be a good friend, a good sister to her.

You started talking more during your visits at her house. Unlike before, the subject of Edward didn't exist. It was as if he had never existed. So you did not mention him at all. Bella was healing, slowly, just as you were, when both of your parents died. She was there for you, even if you could only talk to her on the phone because, at that time, she permanently lived with Renee.

For the first time in several months, you hoped that things would somehow work out. In your life, the moments when you were truly happy never lasted long. It was the same this time. One day, you went to Port Angeles to buy new clothes for work. Yours were still from your university days, worn out, but not so long ago you were short of money and preferred to spend it on other things rather than buying new clothes.

By the time you got back to your car it was pretty late. The car park was deserted. On your way to the car, a man accosted you and, before you knew it, he had hit you on the head with something heavy. When you woke up, you were in a squalid alley. The man was pressing you against a wall with all his strength. You only realised what he was going to do, when you felt a cool breeze brush against your bare legs. Your trousers and underwear were almost at your ankles. You started to squirm, trying to free yourself from his iron grip. You heard his quiet giggle next to your ear.

"Don't resist angel, I’ll be quick," he whispered in your ear, pawing at your breasts with his left hand. You felt sick to your stomach. He had hideous breath, as if he had been drinking for three days, then puked and drank again. You started to jerk harder, to pull away, but it only caused you pain. He held tight, pushing against you with his whole body and whispering disgusting things under his breath. When he finally entered you, he tugged hard on your hair. He made no effort to cover your mouth because you didn't even try to scream. You were out of breath, unable to say a word. You were afraid that he would kill you. You wanted him to go away so that the pain would end and you could finally go home.

When he finished, he let you go and just walked away. You stood there, half naked, frozen and shaken, for god knows how long. You were unable to move. When you felt his semen running down your leg, you finally managed to vomit. Your cheek was bruised and scratched from how hard he pressed you against the rough wall. You wanted to go home, but you didn't have the strength to get up from the street.

You weren't sure how much time had passed, but you finally got up. You got dressed and walked to your car. Everything hurt. You didn't want to, but you knew, you had to go to the hospital. You could not leave it like that. He had already hurt you, but what about the others? You couldn't let that happen. All the way to the hospital in Port Angeles your hands were trembling. Returning to that memory, you didn't even remember how you got to the ER.

At the hospital, they took care of you properly. They called the police. Two female doctors were there for a medical examination. The nurses were very nice. You tried to put on a good face. You've thought about how your sexual experiences has been so far. Your first sex, like most people's, was terrible. Your boyfriend was two years older, you were 17 and it all went wrong. You were in pain. He didn't seem too happy either. Up until you graduated from high school, you tried to make it work somehow, but there were never any fireworks. It wasn't until college that you discovered the good side of sex.

However, you never had sex with someone you loved more than life. You haven't met anyone like that. And you were sure that sex with that person would be unique and exceptional. Until now, of course. Lying on a hospital bed, you felt exploited. Abused. Filthy. Humiliated. How can one do something like that to another person? The nurse asked if someone could come and pick you up, and you didn't have much of a choice. You called Bella. While she was on her way to the hospital, you let the police officers question you. You mechanically slurred the words as if it wasn't about you at all. As if it wasn’t you that had been raped.

As soon as you saw Bella, you were no longer able to pretend that nothing had happened. You were sobbing and she hugged you tight, telling you that he would pay for it. You weren't so sure about that. You wanted to be home as soon as possible, so you went back to Forks. Bella said nothing while driving because there was nothing that could be said. In the shower, you scrubbed yourself so hard with the pumice that you thought you had taken off all your skin. To your absolute disgust, you could still feel his touch on you. You could hear him whisper against your ear and you could smell his hideous breath.

A week has passed. Bella texted you every day, and you were able to hang out almost every other day. She was a good sister, a great friend. She didn't want to leave you alone in this. Despite being offered leave, you went to work. You didn't want to keep thinking about what happened. Each time, after taking a bath, you were unable to look in the mirror. On the first day, right after scrubbing, you decided to take a look. You had bruises on your stomach, thighs, buttocks and breasts. Your forearms were scraped, your cheek was scratched and bruised. The worst of it was that you had been bleeding for days. The gynaecologist said, it was due to too much force, and the fact that you actively resisted for a while.

You were trying to get back to normal. You went to work, you were seeing Bella and taking your course. But no one could touch you. You didn't even shake hands to say hello. You didn't care at all, you couldn’t endure a touch anymore. Not in any way. You didn't get your period, but the doctor said it could happen. It was a shock to the body and a lot of pain to bear. Also, you bled for almost a week after the rape.

You started to be afraid to go out alone. When in a shop or at work, if anyone approached you from behind, you started panicking and hyperventilating. You couldn’t walk ordinarily on the street. You looked behind every two or three minutes to assure yourself that nobody was following you. Your hands trembled while driving the car or making the tea. Your eyes were starting to water as soon as someone even tried to touch you. You had nightmares and you started losing your mind because of this.

When your period did not come in the following month, you began to worry. Surely you couldn't get pregnant with this... monster. Not you. Of course you have checked. You would not be able to live in such ignorance. It turned out that yes, you indeed were pregnant. When the doctor confirmed it, you fainted. Not you, not like that. You didn't even think you'd ever be a mum. Let alone like this. You hated your body even more and the fact that it had betrayed you in such a villainous way.

You knew this path led to madness. You were in an even worse mental condition, than after losing your mum; than after dad died in the accident. You have shed countless tears. You didn't want to abort this pregnancy, and at the same time you wanted it with all your heart. If only you were able to defend yourself. Break away from him and run as far away as possible. It would never have happened. But you were weak and didn't even have the energy to scream. Would it have made any difference though?

You were constantly beating yourself up with thoughts about whether you should keep the baby, when something completely bizarre happened. Jacob called you that he had to rescue Bella after jumping off a cliff. Annoyed, you got in your car and drove up to the Swans' house. Bella's car wasn't there, so you waited patiently in yours. When they arrived, you were boiling with rage.

“Have you lost your fucking mind?!” you shouted, as you got out of the car.

Bella rolled her eyes. She looked miserable. Her eyes were bloodshot and she was soaked through. She smiled weakly towards you.

“It was just for fun, you know” she muttered, as you hugged her tightly. It was your first closer contact since…

“It was just for sport,” she tried again.

You snorted in annoyance.

“Yeah, sure, get inside before you get sick.”

As you both stepped onto the porch, Jacob unexpectedly grabbed Bella's wrist. They shared a look.

“Are you sure about this?”

“Yes. You can go now, Jake,” she muttered, trying to disentangle herself from his grasp.

You smiled weakly at him, while Bella was looking for her keys.

“Cool, I'll take care of her until Charlie gets back. Thanks for saving her stupid ass,” you said. Jacob smiled amused, but still seemed slightly tense.

“No problem. Always at your service,” he joked. “Well... See ya around,” he said goodbye and walked away to his car.

You walked into the house with Bella.

“What were you thinking? You could have died” you muttered under your breath, stripping off your jacket.

“Well...actually I wasn't thinking, like, at all” Bella admitted, smiling apologetically at you.

“Next time think about Charlie,” you said, hugging her once more. Your body screamed that you shouldn't do that, but you were glad that Bella was okay.

While Bella changed into dry clothes, you made hot tea for both of you. Someone knocked on the door. The knocking was not from the front, but from the courtyard. You walked slowly to the door and opened it. Edward's sister, Alice, stood in front of you. You wouldn't have known what she looked like, if Bella hadn't shown you pictures of her. But other than that, you knew quite a bit about her, because when Bella was still with Edward, she couldn’t kept her mouth shut about Alice.

“Hi. Can I come in?” she asked politely. She tried to look normal, but there was something in her behaviour that made you nervous. You were about to reply, when Bella appeared in the kitchen.

“Alice!” she squealed, throwing herself around the brunette's neck. After a moment, she pulled away and looked at Alice in disbelief. "Are you really here? Or am I just dreaming this?" asked Bella.

It was your turn to roll the eyes.

“Of course she’s here” you said, now slightly annoyed. “Don’t be bothered by me, please, proceed to whatever you wanted to say.”

Your sarcastic tone was not intended, but justified. You were slowly beginning to get fed up with this family's games. First they move out and turn Bella's life upside down, and now the big comeback? Something's not right here. Besides, at that moment, you weren't the right person to play with. You had enough problems of your own and your life was messed up enough. What you didn't know at that moment, was that everything was about to change fundamentally very soon.

Alice took no notice of you.

"Bella, listen. Edward thinks you committed suicide. He told me that he doesn't want to live either, so he is on his way to the Volturi to ask them for an execution."

You had no idea what she was talking about. Bella was terrified, and you didn't know what was going on here.

"What, who the fuck are Volturi? Did Edward get involved with some cult? Also, how did he know Bella killed herself?" you asked, not understanding anything of what Alice was talking about earlier.

"We have to go to Italy, Bella,” she ignored you once more. “If they refuse him, I'm not sure what he'll do" as Alice spoke, Bella began to gather herself quickly to leave.

You grabbed her hand.

"And where do you think you are going?" you asked in disbelief. Bella looked at you apologetically.

"Y/N, I have to go. They're going to murder him. Just the fact that I'm alive will convince him."

You snorted in disbelief.

"You're dead serious? And can't you call him and tell him it's a misunderstanding? Besides, Bella, this guy ghosted you. He left you here, alone, with not one explanation and you want to fly to the other side of the world to save this dumb ass?" you asked, trying to take your mind off this ludicrous circumstance.

“Oh my god, we’ll take her with us if she’s not going to back down” said Alice in exasperation.

“And to your kind information, I won't back down. Your douchebag brother and the rest of your family turned her adrift. I was the one who pulled her out of her depression, and I will not let the exact same thing happen again because of any of you,”you hissed out in anger. You saw something in Alice's eyes that you considered to be admiration.

You looked at Bella expectantly.

“Y/N, I still love him. I cannot let this go” Bella whispered and you felt as your chest tightened. “Please…”

You heaved a heavy sigh.

“Okey, but I’m coming with you,” you decided and noticed that Alice's eyes were momentarily clouded with mist. You had no idea what was going on here, but you were sure that this whole affair with the Volturi, whoever the hell they were, didn't sound good.

After a few seconds, Alice looked at Bella, then at you and back at Bella.

“Get your coats, we have to go now,” she said.

“But Alice...” protested Bella.

“There's no time for that. We'll explain everything to her on the way. If we start now, we won't get out of here until noon” she muttered exasperatedly, walking out of the house. You looked at Bella.

“Bells, what's this all about?” you asked, and she just sighed quietly. You both quickly got your shoes on.

“We'll tell you on the plane but I'm afraid the Volturi won't like that a lot,” she said with worried expression on her face.

When you were at the airport waiting for a plane, you had countless questions in your head. Why the fuck Edward was pulling such nonsense? Why to be so dramatic about thing that didn’t even happen? Did this idiot really get involved in some sort of cult? And why was his sister so concerned about it that she decided to tell you ‘everything’, whatever needed to be said? However, the question that kept you wondering was who were the mysterious Volturi and what could they possibly resent about you?

One thing you were sure of. There hadn't been a moment since the sexual assault when you hadn't thought about it. And now your thoughts were occupied by the mysterious Volturi and you immensely wanted to find out what it was really all about.

⋎⋎⋎

On a plane ride, you found out that vampires are no fairy tales and your best friend was in love with one. It was a wild thought but, as soon as Alice started taking, you knew it wasn’t a joke. You were given so much information at once that you were unable to respond to anything as Alice finished her long monologue. You had a drink of water, although at that moment you very much regretted not being able to drink whisky.

“Okey, lets say I get most of this…” you said with a low voice, trying to be careful with what you’re saying. “But can you tell me who are Volturi and why would they want to decapitate Edward?” you asked, looking sideways, afraid that someone might hear.

Alice let out a sigh.

“The Volturi are the equivalent of the justice system in our world. They are the ones who created the laws that help us hide from the world, and they are the ones who enforce them. They consider themselves… sort of royalty, as their leaders – Aro, Caius and Marcus – are over three thousand years old.”

If you were to be honest, you were not very good at processing this information. Three thousand years? The first thought that popped into your mind was that they must be immensely lonely. You were sure you wouldn't want to live so many years without having anyone worthy by your side. Later, Alice quickly summarised all the laws that every vampire must obey. They weren't complicated, but when you thought about it a little longer, some of them weren't so easy to follow.

“I don't want to whine, or come off as ungrateful or anything like that, but... didn't you just break the law? By telling me about you?” you asked cautiously, not knowing if what you were saying was right.

Alice sighed again, this time heavier than before.

“It’s complicated” she said succinctly, which interested Bella, who was eating some kind of sandwich.

“This vision of yours was about [Y/N]?” she asked Alice curiously. Alice merely nodded. When Alice told you about her gift, and this was at the very beginning of the story, you found it hard to believe. It wasn’t so unbelievable now.

"Eat something," Alice said to you. "It's good for the baby" she added after a moment, seeing you hesitate. You swallowed heavily, as you suddenly felt sick. The memories of that evening came back.

Alice smiled softly, as if knowing exactly what you were thinking about. And this was supposed to be Edward's gift.

"Do you want to know the sex of the baby?" she asked, and your eyes almost fell out.

"Can you predict that?" you asked in disbelief. She and Bella both smiled. Alice nodded vigorously.

"Yeah, sure. I can't predict if the baby... you know, if it will be born, however, the sex I can tell you.”

You pondered on it, while eating your sandwich. The nausea eased, when you could think of something different than that unlucky evening. Before you knew it, you fell asleep and Alice woke you up when you landed in Italy. As Alice drove the stolen car, you tried to admire the beautiful views of Tuscany outside your window. When you had almost reached Volterra, you thought how wonderful it would be to live here.

⋎⋎⋎

This stupid boyfriend of hers. That was all his fault. Of course, Bella made it at the last minute. You, together with Alice, went to abandon the stolen car somewhere. Although, you had a feeling that you would be returning the exact same way. You tried to reassure yourself. Of course you’ll be returning. Or maybe not? If you were honest, you gave no fucks about it. You had no one who’d wait for you at home, your parents died, you were brutally raped not so long ago, and you didn’t even know if you wanted to keep the baby. Maybe dying today isn’t such a bad idea?

You have reached the square and entered the palace at a very convenient time. The guy who looked like a wardrobe and the other one, much shorter than him and blonde, looked like they were about to murder Edward in this instant. And actually, you felt like you could’ve murdered Edward too. Barely Alice closed the door, you didn't even glance at the two of them, but immediately began to scold Edward for what he had done. To hell with his gift!

“You stupid, immature, irresponsible, reckless and selfish bastard!” you started descriptively, and even Bella was taken aback by your behaviour. Alice raised her eyebrows and two other vampires looked at themselves and then straight at you. Edward had no time for any reply. “If you ever, I repeat, if you ever again do something as childish and irresponsible as expose my best friend to a nervous breakdown and months of depression, I promise you, here and now, that I will decapitate you myself. You're old, and yet a five-year-old child is smarter than you. You utter imbecile,” you hissed with hatred.

Of course, your malice towards him was temporary, but it's been a long time since anyone has angered you like that. The shorter man laughed under his breath, and the other one, who looked like a wardrobe, said:

“Can we keep her? I like the way she’s ruling the roost.”

He fell silent, as a short, pretty blonde woman entered the room. Her face was like a child's, but her eyes... bright red, staring at no one else but you.

“Jane” greeted her Edward. She didn’t even look at him.

“Aro sent me to see what was taking so long” she said. The atmosphere immediately became tense. Edward and Alice seemed to stiffen at the sound of Aro's name. You were curious but not frightened. Not yet.

Jane turned and immediately started walking towards the long corridor. Bella just looked at Edward, and you glanced at Alice.

“Do what she says,” she muttered to you and you both kept pace with the couple in the front.

Needless to say, it was the most stressful and also the most terrifying lift ride you've ever experienced. Not to add the creepy music background. You guessed it was supposed to make you feel better, but instead it made your whole stomach go up to your throat. You were standing right in the middle, next to Bella, holding Alice's hand. The vampire, who looked like a wardrobe, kept looking at you. You took a deep breath to calm your nerves. Puking on someone's shoes isn't going to make this situation any better. Out of the corner of your eye, you saw Edward smile. Yeah, the situation you’ve found yourself in was extremely funny indeed.

When you reached the main chamber, you didn't know what to look at first. At the vampires standing against every wall? Not very wise of you. At the marble floor? Nothing to be afraid of for now, so no. You probably should have looked at the three thrones in front of you and the vampires that sat on them, but instead, you were interested in the Latin phrase engraved between the columns above you.

You glanced at your company. Edward looked as if he was about to die. Maybe that's what's going to happen? Alice looked very out of sorts, and Bella, well, she was hanging onto Edward's arm and also looked like she was about to leave this world for good. She was unnaturally pale and you though she was going to faint any second. But it never happened. The rest of the room felt extremely comfortable. For a moment, you turned your head towards the boy who called out to Jane. You did not let go of Alice's hand but you did not feel any anxiety. Curiosity prevailed, mainly because you had come to terms with the fact of your imminent death.

“Sister! Sent you out to get one and you bring back two. And two halves,” the boy who’s just called Jane his sister probably was talking about me and Bella. “Such a clever girl,” he praised her like he wasn’t his sister but someone else entirely. You sighed heavily. Maybe they’re also into incest-kind-of-relationships? Who knows. You looked above your head again. There was a short inscription “vita brevis, ars longa” but you knew the rest of it. Latin was obligatory in every medical school.

When the man from the middle throne stood up, it was to him that you directed all your attention. You felt that something about him was... you had no idea how to describe it, but you felt a strange pull towards him. As if some invisible force had power over you.

“What a happy surprise!” he said pointedly, wide smile on his face. “Bella is alive after all. Isn’t that wonderful?” he said cheerfully, while walking towards Edward. At that exact moment, you realised that you had managed to get yourself into a huge mess. The lair of the vampires. And you were only a weak human. Recently raped. With a baby under your heart.

As soon as the man stepped down from the platform, you were unable to take your eyes off him. His posture, the way he spoke, his demeanour, it all made you feel incredible respect for him. You’ve never felt this secure and calm in your entire life.

“I love a happy ending,” the man said, while he took Edwards’ hand into his. “They’re so rare.”

You were wondering why this man took Edward’s hand in the first place. You did not have to wait long for an explanation.

“Aro can read every thought that I’ve ever had. With one touch” Edward explained to Bella but you were listening too. Very carefully listening. You’ve finally managed to know the name of the vampire. Aro. It suited him well. Although his eyes were a little scary, you were delighted with his charisma and approach to guests. You realised that indeed, they are called the royal family for a reason.

Aro smiled to Edward.

“Her blood appears to you so much,” he whispered, and you had a hard time hearing his words well. Aro’s gaze rested on Bella. “It makes me thirsty. How can you stand to be so close to her?” he asked Edward, who was feeling more and more uncomfortable. You could tell by the fact that he was practically standing like a statue.

“It is not without difficulty,” muttered Edward from behind his clenched teeth.

You swallowed hard, as Aro turned his gaze to Bella again but he smiled.

“Ah, I can see that” he said pleased, moving away from Edward and focusing all his attention on Bella.

“Although you’re a quite soul-reader yourself, Edward, you cannot read Bella’s thoughts” he made a rather dramatic pause, still staring stubbornly at your best friend. “Fascinating” he said, not hiding his curiosity.

You managed to look elsewhere, than at Aro. The man on the throne to your left seemed unusually agitated. He fixed his gaze on you, as if his life depended on it, yet you did not feel uncomfortable. You were surprised to discover that an invisible force was also drawing you towards him. You almost took a step forward. You tried to remember the man from a few minutes ago. He looked as if he had died in that chair a few centuries ago. And now he seemed genuinely moved.

“Brother” the man spoke to Aro, as he got up from his throne. Indeed, there seemed to be an urgency to the matter, for Aro turned around in surprise. You had the impression that the man from the throne had not risen from it for a long time.

“You knew about this, and you brought her anyway?” you heard Edward's quiet whisper, directed at Alice.

Alice looked at her brother, then at you and finally at a curious Aro.

"It would have happened anyway. Better sooner than later" Alice murmured mysteriously. You still didn't know what it was even about. The third man, the one on your right, did not share his brothers' patience.

"Aro, let's hurry this up, Heidi will be here soon, and we don't want to frighten our guests" he said ominously, grinning like a madman. You were far from solving this riddle, but as soon as you looked at him, you felt the same attraction and enigmatic pulling as towards the other two.

Aro took his brother's hand in his own and you could see that his eyes would have lit up with happiness if they could.

“Ah, my dear Marcus! What an exceptional news!” intoned Aro cheerfully, heading towards you. He was slow in his movements, exactly so that you would not be frightened by him. All his movements were framed by an incredible grace.

“My dear, if I may, what is your name?” he asked, coming closer to you. You were unable to take your eyes off him. It was exactly, as if he had hypnotised you, only the feeling was more addictive. You didn't have to have a gift or to be a vampire to know that. For a split second, you ran out of breath and just stared into his red irises.

“My name is [Y/N]” you said, with your voice trembling, as your throat tightened hard under the intense emotions. You couldn't believe it was really happening. Maybe it was just a dream? Maybe these three beautiful men are just a figment of your imagination? You didn't even want to think about the fact that it might not be true.

Aro smiled encouragingly, while looking at you with all the attention that he’d possibly give you. You felt like nothing more was more important than you to him at that exact moment.

"It is an incredible pleasure to meet you, [Y/N]. I am Aro, but you already know that.”

The smile never left his face and during this brief exchange of words, neither of you took your eyes off the other. You felt that the atmosphere in the room had changed. Aro extended his alabaster hand in an inviting gesture.

“May I, my dear?” he asked you politely.

You gulped. Of course, you wanted to show him that you didn't want to give away their secret. You wanted to show him the strange bond you felt towards him and his brothers. However, there were things you didn't want him to see. You felt deep down inside that this attraction had an explanation and you didn't want him to see... Not that. You’d felt exposed and extremely embarrassed. There was also another issue. His hand. You'd hugged Bella twice since it happened and just now you were holding Alice's hand. You didn't know if, when you touched him, you'd start screaming or crying because you were so afraid of someone else's touch.

Yet, his hand looked so inviting, almost familiar, as if you'd already had the chance to touch it before. Aro himself showed no impatience. He waited, still gazing into your blue irises with his crimson eyes. You extended your hand towards him, at first cautiously, and then with a little more confidence. You took a deep breath, before your fingers made contact. When it happened, you felt as if you had come home after many years of wandering. He closed your hand in his, just as he had done with Edward's. His skin was cold, but he handled you extremely gently. You stared into his eyes as he looked at your thoughts and memories of your whole life. You knew instantly when he was done because he smiled sadly at you. He squeezed your hand gently in his.

"Never again, my love. Never again," he assured passionately, and then he leaned down to place a kiss on your hand. It was so light and as gentle as a breeze on a summer day. You couldn't help but smile.

Aro clapped his hands. He was clearly pleased with what had just happened between you.

"Aro, will you explain to me what's going on? I'm sick of waiting," said the nervous brother, who was the only one with blond hair. Aro smiled widely and turned towards him.

"Ah, Caius, you'll never guess. Finally, after so many years, our mate has honoured us with her presence" he said overjoyed and Caius frowned in awe. You were already able to tell that this did not happen often. Marcus, on the other hand, was sitting on his throne, smiling, still looking in your direction. You didn't miss the glances of the other vampires either. Was it some sort of celebration when Marcus was smiling?

“What does that mean?” it was Bella who snapped that question. Aro immediately appeared by her side. He gently stroked her hair, pulling an unruly strand behind her ear. You felt the sting of jealousy, when he touched her face. You should be the one asking that question and not her.

“Ah, and dear Isabella. What to do with you,” he wondered aloud, as if asking others for advice. “As I have far more important matters to deal with....” he began, looking directly at you. “I’d love to see if you’re an exception to my gift as well,” he whispered to Bella, extending his hand towards her. She didn't have much choice, did she? She took his hand, a little hesitantly, but after a short while Aro moved away.

“Interesting” he muttered. “I see nothing.”

“You already know what you’ll do with her, Aro” said Marcus, his eyes never leaving your person. “Just do it, as we want to know our little angel a bit more.”

You looked at Bella for a moment. She was terrified, not only with her own case, but also with yours. You have already guessed that you are not going anywhere. They would never let you out of their hands. Aro knew perfectly well that you didn't even have anything to go back to. Of course, you had plenty of questions, but you were sure it wasn't about your case now. Just about Bella's situation and what the Cullens had done, or rather what they hadn't done. However, you guessed it, Bella was afraid you wouldn't get out of here alive, and at the same time, you were worried about the exact same thing but about her.

Aro was smiling continuously.

“I have an idea” he said, after a long while. He approached Alice this time. “Would you be so kind, dear, and show me if you saw Bella's transformation in your vision?”

You were smart enough to know that it wasn’t a request. Alice undid her glove and boldly gave Aro her hand. He was absent for a moment and then smiled again. You were impressed by the aura he spread around himself. When he smiled, you felt like smiling too. You still had the impression that it was only a dream, and simultaneously you were sure that it was really happening. Aro's touch was definitely real, you couldn’t forget his cool hands embracing your own.

“Ah, lovely. I know everything now,” he declared. You and Bella probably looked similarly confused, but you weren't the least bit concerned and she was as pale as a sheet.

Aro turned directly to Edward.

“As I have seen Isabella's transformation in Alice's vision, I can let you go with peace of mind, my dear young friends. I trust that a date will be set sooner, rather than later and that I will be able to see for myself, what your mate will be capable of, Edward. As for you, Isabella, you are promising immortal material and I hope your potential will not go to waste," he said, this time speaking directly to Bella.

She was still brave enough to look him in the eye.

“And what with [Y/N]? You never mentioned what will happen to her” she noticed, looking in your direction. You smiled gently to her.

“I’m staying here, Bella” you said calmly, trying to reassure her with your tone of voice that all shall be all right.

You saw pure admiration and joyousness on Aro’s face as you said that.

“Isn’t she remarkable, brothers?” he asked Marcus and Caius, who looked as if they had just received the most beautiful Christmas present.

Bella seemed to be thoroughly outrageous.

“You can’t be serious [Y/N]! You cannot stay here, please, come back with us. You cannot be here while you’re pregnant” she cried, holding your hand and looking at you with disbelief.

What she said made you very uncomfortable and extremely upset.

"Bella, I have nothing to go back to. My parents are dead. You knew that if Alice told me everything, it would have to be resolved somehow," you stated matter-of-factly, squeezing her hand in yours. "I can't go back there, Bells." Your throat tightened with despair as memories of recent events flooded inside your mind. You tried to hold back tears.

"I am a shadow of my former self. I'm afraid to leave the house alone to go shopping or to work. This paranoia is overwhelming me, Bella. I keep turning behind me to see if anyone is following me on the street. I cry at night, knowing that it doesn't change anything. And then there's this unfortunate baby," you sighed helplessly, trying not to burst with tears. "Even if I keep it, I don't want it to have a mother who's afraid to leave the house. I can't live like this, we both know that" you whispered, squeezing her hands in yours again.

“But you cannot possibly be mated with all three of them” Bella whispered with despair in her eyes. You only smiled, sensing that this sentence got on Kings’ nerves, especially Caius’s.

“I think it’s predestined, Bella. Just as you are destined to be with Edward, I do belong here, with my mates” you said cautiously, glancing at Aro and looking for approval in his eyes. He was only looking at you with delight, as he said nothing.

You saw that Bella had hard time processing such information, whilst Edward and Alice said nothing at all. You knew that Alice knew prior about this, and Edward could see the vision in her thoughts. You pulled Bella into a comfortable hug.

“Hey, sister, we don’t see each other the very last time. We’ll meet again. Probably in a different…condition but still.”

Bella looked devastated.

“You promise me that?” she asked warily, her tone full of hope. You smiled at her.

“Of course I do.” You kissed her cheek and caressed her long, brown hair. “We can call each other, you know. It’s not like I’m moving to the Moon,” you joked, to release the tension a bit. To your astonishment, everybody in the room laughed at that. It made you blush, just a little tiny bit.

After another farewell, in which this time you also included Alice and Edward (barely, because you were still mad at him) and an official farewell from Aro, who told them to give his friend kind regards from him, the guests left the chamber.

They left, and Aro was immediately by your side. He gently stroked your long blonde hair, but didn't touch a single piece of a skin. After the display of your memories, he probably knew very well that you did not wish any touch for the time being.

You still couldn't free yourself from under his spell and if you were to be honest, you didn't want to at all. Aro offered you his arm.

"I believe, we have much to discuss, my love."

You took his arm gratefully.

"I have a ton of questions," you admitted as you walked out of the chamber with Marcus and Caius slowly following you. You didn't need to look back, the strange bonds that drew you together informed you of their presence in a yet unknown way.

Aro, as usual, smiled magnificently.

"My dear, one thing at a time," he said in a gentle tone, as he patted your forearm with tenderness. When you entered the study with the round table, Aro immediately pushed back a chair for you.

"No one is to disturb us" you heard Caius' sharp tone as he closed the door behind you. You tried to feel comfortable and at ease. After all, this was your home from now on.

Part 2 | Part 3

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scapegrace74-blog · 3 years

Text

New Ways of Turning into Stone, Chapter 6

A/N Where does the time go? I lugged my laptop 7,000km round trip with the sole intention of working on this fic, but that apparently didn’t happen. For those who found the last chapter hard to bear, I apologize in advance. I am not quite finished being cruel. With that said, trigger warning for character death, childhood disease, suicide ideation. The chapter title is Sleeping in the Clouds.

The first five chapters are available on my AO3 page.

Five Months Later

A persistent mechanical bleating lifted Claire from the indeterminate depths of medicated sleep. The emergency contact number she provided to all her patients was programmed to forward to her mobile, where a particularly aggravating ringtone ensured she would never miss a call. Even at one am on a Tuesday night.

Fumbling for the device, she glanced at the unfamiliar number before answering.

“Doctor Beauchamp speaking.” Her voice was gritty and rough. She reached for a half-filled tumbler of water while waiting for the caller to identify themselves. Over the line she could make out muted traffic noise, and perhaps a distant foghorn, but no-one spoke.

“Hello?” she inquired, torn between concern that a patient needed her and frustration that she might have been woken by a misdialed number.

“If you’re one of my patients, you need to talk to me so that I can help you.”

There was an intake of breath, a weepy sniffle, and then the click of the call being terminated. A prickle of gooseflesh washed over her. She couldn’t say exactly how, but she knew who had called, and that he needed her.

One of the grim perks of her job was that she had backdoor access to reverse look-up for telephone numbers, in cases where there was a threat of self-harm or harm to others. As Claire hastily donned socks and grabbed a winter coat, she waited on hold for the PSAP operator to provide an address.

“We’re in luck, Doctor Beauchamp. It wasna a mobile number. In fact, tis a telephone booth. Gote Lane, in Queensferry. Down near the... umm, next tae the bridge.”

Without so much as a thank you, she hung up and frantically punched the app for an Uber.

Fifteen nail biting minutes and an excessive tip later, she stood in front of an empty phone booth. Predictably, the directory had been torn out, leaving only a thin metal cord and car-key graffiti inside the cramped interior. But on top of the phone itself she found a familiar ecru business card, her name and credentials embossed in black font.

“Damn it, Jamie,” she muttered to herself, palming the card.

If he’d hung up and started walking towards the bridge, she might be able to catch him if she ran all out, but something called her towards the nearby shore instead.

The tide was out, leaving a narrow strip of beach and sharp, slimy rocks exposed to the heavy air. Her nostrils were assaulted by the briny vegetative rot of the retreating sea.

On a weathered bench facing the river, encircled by a cone of foggy streetlight, sat a man, his eyes trained on the smudgy lights of the Queensferry bridge hovering high above. Even bundled in a heavy black jacket and watch cap, she would recognize his long limbs and the set of his shoulders anywhere. She let out a long breath of relief.

She approached the bench cautiously, not certain if her presence would be welcome. Instead of turning to greet her footsteps, Jamie addressed the bridge.

“Maggie passed t’day. I called ‘cause I wanted ye tae know, but then I couldna find the words tae tell ye.” Despite his refusal to look at her, his words were calm and without a hint of the bitterness she’d expected.

“Oh, Jamie. I’m so terribly sorry. I didn’t know her well, but she was a very special little girl who loved you dearly.”

He nodded in acknowledgement of her words, but didn’t reply. She shifted uncomfortably from one foot to the other, suddenly aware that she was still wearing her pajamas, her hair doubtless a veritable cumulus of tangled curls.

“Is there anything I can do?” she asked. “I still have some contacts at the hospital, I could...” she broke off, knowing it was ridiculous to offer professional assistance when she’d been the one to sever their relationship.

“Would ye, if it’s no’ too much tae ask, would ye mind jus’ sittin’ here with me fer a bit?”

He finally turned to look at her, and she could see the spider web of red veins that surrounded his irises, testimony to his heartbreak. His mouth, usually such an accurate barometer of his mood, was strangely inert. She nodded, unable to deny him such a simple request.

It was the time of night when the daytime symphony of the city broke into its component parts, every passing car, every lapping wave a single instrument singing its own plaintive song. They sat in silence for long enough that she could feel the damp creeping up the legs of her pajamas.

“Maggie loved tae cross that bridge,” Jamie said at last. “She’d lower her window, rain or shine, and stick her wee arm out, sayin’ it felt like she was flyin’.”

Claire smiled at the image, trying to picture the little girl with the giant imagination.

“What colour was her hair, Jamie?” she asked. “Was it red, like yours?”

“Nah, dark, like Jenny’s and our Da. But wi’ curls like mine and my Ma’s. A little like yours, actually, Sassenach. That is, before the chemo took it away.”

She grimaced, not knowing what topic to choose that wouldn’t lead Jamie on a path directly back to his grief.

“She fought sae hard,” he continued before she could attempt another distraction, “but the cancer wouldna let her win.” Tears were rolling down his cheeks, glinting in the sodium light like stars, but he didn’t seem to notice or care. “She was the best person I knew. Sounds strange tae say of a wee lass, but she truly was. An’ it made me a better person tae love her. What the fuck am I gonna do now?”

Jamie was looking straight at her, as though he truly expected her to offer useful guidance. All her training, her professional distance, fell away in the face of one broken man. She swallowed, searching for words that weren’t a platitude.

“You’re going to go on living, because she can’t. Because your happiness, when you are ready to feel it again, will be a gift to her memory.”

Jamie sniffed, then wiped his sleeve across his face. He placed his hand on the bench between them. Without allowing herself to think, Claire reached for it, finding his skin surprisingly warm. There was an agonizing fermata, when all the instruments held their breath, and then he turned his palm upwards to meet her own. Beneath the fog the river slipped by, blending endlessly into the sea.

"Look, Jamie, I know it’s not the right time, but I want to tell you that I’m sorry. For the way I treated you, and ended things, and...”

“Nay, Sassenach, it’s me who should apologize. I had no right tae throw my diagnosis at ye like some kinda weapon. An’ when I think of how I heedlessly brought up yer becoming a mother. I, of all people. Weel, suffice it tae say I’ve spent many an hour regretin’ my words an’ actions.”

She squeezed his hand, wordlessly declaring them equal in remorse.

“How have ye been?” he inquired, peering at her as though trying to read her state of mind on the planes of her face. She chuckled, looking away when the intensity of his gaze became too much.

“About the same, I suppose. Better some days than others. Geillis has started ordering my lunches for me, so I no longer have any excuse not to eat.” Jamie nodded, seemingly pleased with this news.

“And you? Are you still seeing Dr. Rafferty? I... uhh, I know his office requested your file.”

In fact, Giles Rafferty had called her the week after her confrontation with Jamie, wondering why his new patient’s record of treatment contained no more than his biographical details and the time and date of each of his appointments. She told him the same thing she’d told Geillis when she asked the same question in significantly cruder terms: that her weekly interactions with Jamie had never led to a professional diagnosis or a recommended course of treatment.

“Aye. He’s a good man, although tragically immune tae my charms. Unlike some.”

“Don’t flatter yourself, Fraser,” she warned, although his rakish grin warmed her from the inside out.

“I’ll be darkening his doorway wi’ some frequency, after t’day,” he continued with a return to solemnity.

And yet you called me, Claire wanted to say, but didn’t. When his beloved niece had slipped away, hers had been the number he had dialed, despite everything. The very idea made her thoughts flit about like fireflies.

“I missed ye, Sassenach,” he confessed quietly after a time.

“I missed you too, Jamie.”

They sat together through the thin hours of the night, talking, sharing memories of Maggie, but mostly in silent companionship. As dawn brightened the eastern sky, the fog began to lift, revealing an overcast sky. The lights of the bridge blinked out, and the city’s music began anew. Claire wished futilely that day would never break, knowing that it would bring them both the pain of two very different kinds of goodbye.

Her hand, when Jamie finally let it go, felt strange, as though it had been separated from its source. She tucked it quickly into her pocket.

“I.. errr, I need tae be goin’,” Jamie said by way of apology. “Ian and Jenn will be needin’ me.”

“Yes, of course. I’ll just, um, call myself an Uber.”

They were both standing, neither seemingly knowing how to part.

Jamie opened his mouth, paused, shook his head in frustration, then looked away. Her traitorous hand escaped her pocket and found its way to his chest.

“I’ll be thinking of you. All of you. If there’s anything, anything at all..”

“How long until your no’ my doctor anymore? Ethically speakin’.” He was looking at her in a way that made the fireflies whirlpool about.

“What?” she asked to buy herself some time to breath.

“Before I go an’ face everything that is wrong about t’day, I want tae ken, how long must I wait before I can kiss ye again wi’out riskin’ yer reputation?”

“There’s no written timetable,” she stalled. “It’s a question of a doctor exerting undue influence or the exploitation of the patient’s trust, and there’s really...”

“Those rules are meant tae protect the patient, aye? So I should be allowed tae waive them, no’?”

“Jamie...”

“Fine, let me rephrase my question. Doctor Claire Beauchamp, when can I, James Fraser, ask ye tae look upon me as a potential suitor and no’ a former patient? Six months? A year? Two years?”

“You really are the most infuriatingly stubborn man,” she huffed.

“Aye, I ken. Sae, two years? Do we have an agreement, Sassenach?”

“Fine, yes, two years, but Jamie, I don’t expect you to...”

A finger was placed across her lips, silencing her protests.

“Two years are naught if I can kiss ye again once they have passed. Until then, Claire, please take care of yerself.”

She stood by the bench long after Jamie was gone, staring out across the river. A flock of geese flew by in formation, broad wings nearly touching the surface of the water as it reflected the steel gray clouds above. She thought of little Maggie, and her birdhouse surrounded by clouds. A sob wrestled its way up her throat, surprising in its urgency. And then, she allowed herself to cry.

#my writing #outlander

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allhailthewicked · 4 years

Text

Random JATP Headcannons: Bobby and His Passion For Knitting

Bobby is what I called #STRESSED ALL THE FREAKING TIME™

I mean like all the boys are stressed for different reasons (you know with the band, or familial problems, or you know anxiety just being a bitch)

But unlike the other boys he doesn’t have that many great coping mechanisms

He hates how terrified Alex and Reggie look when he beats the shit out of one of their harassers. And he hates how he can’t play guitar after because of his busted hand

He doesn’t have any drums to wail on like Alex, and he absolutely sucks at writing music (that’s why none of his newer music isn’t any good) so he can’t bury himself in songwriting like Luke

He tried smoking but boy oh boy does his asthma flare up for smoking and once Alex found out he worriedly started to carry an extra inhaler for Bobby

Mediating SUCKS it’s too quiet. it’s too still. he hates how he is just trapped with his thoughts

So with nothing left to him to do Mr. Bobbers turned to his lola (grandmother) for advice

She was a tiny old woman with a black and silverish bob she quickly patted on the floor next to the armchair that she was sitting in furiously knitting something that looked like it was supposed to be a sweater.

Bobby sighed plopping down next to her enchanted by the furious rhythm she had

“Goddammit apo pass me my switch-blade I need to cut the extra... the extra... the extra nakakayamot string”

“Whatever you say lola, but I still need your advice I am just so fucking stressed all the time and I don’t know what do.”

Bobby’s grandmother grabs the switchblade and quickly slices through the extra string before placing the blade back into his hand.

“Well Robert why don’t you calm down for a second. C’mon grab that ball of yarn and knit with me. I won’t teach you but just watch what I’m doing.”

“What you mean you won’t teach and how the fuck will a pile of string calm me down”

“Curse at me one more time, and I’ll show you another way this string can calm me down. Just watch and learn from me apo and keep my blade you’ll need it when you make a mistake”

“Okay Lola I’m sorry for that, I’ll shut up, but I can’t take your blade”

“Apo stop apologizing you have done nothing wrong, if anything you remind me of your father. Plus I have a spare blade in the flower pot now get your lazy ass off the ground and go and grab it for me”

And Bobby learned and learned and fell head over heels in love with knitting

After that day Bobby left his grandmother’s house with a shiny red and black switchblade, 4 brightly colored balls of yarns, and two sets of knitting needles one bamboo and one metal

AND THE STRESS KNITTING BEGINS

One time the Alex and Luke were fighting and over what to do with Reggie when he walked into practice with a black eye. And Bobby pulled out a scarf he was working on for Reggie and started muttering: knit knit purl knit purl knit purl knit purl knit purl knit knit knit he was working on it, completing it in 45 minutes.

Fun Fact: is favorite type of stitch and pattern is the Chevron Seed Stitch

When Luke ran away from home a week before his birthday and crashed at Bobby’s place and on his birthday he woke up to a present next to his mattress and inside the box was a slightly janked up knitted beanie that Bobby made for him, and it was obviously made with love

Luke cried a lot that day, but he definitely sobbed the hardest at Bobby’s gift

When Bobby was teaching Alex how to drive the van he to keep knitting needles in his glove compartment

Reggie and Bobby had found a dog during one of their hikes, and they took care of it together for like a week until the owner reached out to them to get their dog back and Reggie was devastated! Until... Bobby made knitted a little stuffie of the dog

Before every show Bobby would bust out his knitting and go through a couple rows

For Christmas Bobby made the boy special ugly holiday sweaters (two Christmas sweaters and one Hanukkah sweater for Reggie)

Reggie’s sweater was a rich maroon and yellow with a menorah,dredial,horses, and pizza

Luke’s sweater was a royal blue with music notes and mini beanies on ornaments

Alex’s was a pastel pink with drumsticks an inhaler with a Christmas tree on it

IT TOOK SO FREAKING LONG FOR HIM TO FINISH LIKE LITERAL MONTHS

At any given moment you could count on Bobby carrying his knitting needles in his back pocket

One time he saw Alex sleeping in the garage and made it his mission to make him the fluffiest and comfiest blanket

But then the boys died and Bobby stopped knitting. Even holding his needles reminded him of them. It would remind him of the guys, and it would stress Bobby out and give him panic attacks

UNTIL Carrie was born, and he knitted her a three-piece set of baby booties, baby romper, and little hat in hot pink string (Even at 32 weeks old Carrie was serving the looks)

He even made matching sweaters for Carrie, Julie, and Flynn when they were like 8

When Rose started to go through chemo Bobby started to knit her so many hats and blankets (but not the one he started for Alex)

Bobby did eventually finish that blanket, and he gave it to Carrie the day she left for college

@sunset-bobby I hope you enjoy this I realized how little I wrote about Bobby and I just wanted to thank you for your encouragement. I also hope that you enjoy my characterization of this amazing character.

@theobligatedklutz Here’s one of the headcannons I said I would write then like didn’t lmao. I have more coming but sometimes my brain just doesn’t want to write anymore.

Also, to anyone who is reading this if I get anything wrong about knitting or Tagalog please tell me. I have very little experience with both of these things and I would love to learn more about both topics :)

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chicgeekgirl89 · 3 years

Text

Late

Fandom: 911 Lone Star

Characters: Carlos Reyes, T.K. Strand

A/N: Thanks as always to @bluenet13 for beta reading!

Read on AO3

T.K. was late. It wasn’t uncommon for one of them to be running late; when you worked as a civil servant the end of the day was determined by when the work was done, not what the clock on the wall said. Dating someone who understood that was rare, a gift. They understood and forgave the tardiness without malice.

He’d texted, telling Carlos to go ahead and get a drink and order an appetizer if he wanted. But Carlos waited, anxious to see his date (boyfriend? booty call? friend with benefits?). It had been a long day and he’d been looking forward to this evening since T.K. had texted and asked him about it two days ago. That was a step forward, T.K. asking him out instead of the other way around. It had to mean…something, right? Maybe?

Oh god, his sister, Francesca, had been right when she told him he was hopelessly gone on this guy. Her actual comment had included a few more swear words and a surprising amount of sexual innuendo, even for his sister, but the message was the same: He was in love with a guy who liked him back. And he was doing a pretty terrible job of figuring the relationship out.

“Hey, sorry I’m late.” T.K. slid into the seat across from him, interrupting the gymnastics of his mental anxiety.

“No worries,” Carlos said, offering up a smile. “I got you a sparkling water and ordered a cheese plate.”

“Great, that’s great,” T.K. said, fidgeting in his chair like he couldn’t get comfortable.

Carlos hadn’t known T.K. for long, but the man read like an open book. He could tell something wasn’t right. “Everything okay?” he asked as T.K. picked up the menu and flipped it over without reading it before setting it back down again.

“What? Yeah, yes, yes everything’s fine,” he said, picking the menu back up again.

Carlos studied him, feeling his leg bounce up and down under the table. “You sure? You seem on edge. Rough day at work?”

T.K. set the menu down again and schooled his face into what Carlos assumed he thought was a neutrally pleasant expression, but was really a smile that strained around the edges. “No, I’m good. Sorry. So, what are you thinking about? The filet? Or actually the salmon looks really good. With the lemon sauce?”

Carlos let T.K. chatter his way through dinner about inane subjects such as the different types of hose nozzles, his Dad’s medicinal tea collection, and how to properly hail a taxi in New York. Carlos hmmed and nodded in all the right places, all the while mentally going through a list of possible reasons for T.K.’s uneasiness. A difficult shift seemed most likely, but T.K. had denied that. Could something have happened to someone he knew in New York? Or was there…was there someone else? He knew about T.K.’s recent horrendous break up, but was it possible that whoever he’d left behind had come calling? It happened more often than not, a quick rebound and then back to the previous relationship, he’d seen it time and and time again.

His heart squeezed a little bit at the thought and he mentally shook himself. T.K. had given him no indication that things between them were off, he shouldn’t assume and possibly fabricate a problem for himself that didn’t exist.

They finished their meal, declining desert and coffee, and headed for the parking lot. “So,” Carlos finally said, his first word in quite a while. “Did you want to come over or…?”

“Yeah,” T.K. said far too brightly in the fakest possible way.

T.K. seemed to have run out of bizarre facts and mundane topics to talk about because he was quiet on the drive back to Carlos’, seemingly lost in whatever was going on in his head, fingers absently playing with his phone, turning it over and over in his hands.

He didn’t even move when they stopped in the driveway, eyes staring straight ahead out the windshield. “T.K.,” Carlos said softly.

He startled and cleared his throat. “Hey, sorry.” He flashed another fake smile and leaned over, pressing a kiss to Carlos’ lips, quickly trying to turn it into more.

Carlos let him for a moment, not pulling back, but not fully giving in either, still trying to get a read on what was going on tonight. The current situation suggested it had nothing to do with them, which was a relief. But something was still wrong.

“Should we take this inside?” T.K. asked a moment later, his hand sliding up Carlos’ thigh, even as the enthusiasm didn’t quite reach his eyes.

Carlos cocked his head to the side. “Are you sure you want to?”

That got T.K.’s full attention and his brow furrowed. “I—yes. Yeah I wanted to come over and be with you.” He leaned over and kissed the tip of Carlos’ nose. “Come on.”

They walked inside and for once Carlos let T.K. take the lead as they landed on the couch, lips locked together, hands in each other’s hair, running up and down each other’s bodies. But it wasn’t fast and hard or even slow and gentle it was just…as if T.K. was going through the motions. And Carlos was not okay with that.

He pulled away, sitting up, putting distance between them. “What’s wrong?” T.K. asked in confusion. “You okay?”

“Are you?”

“What?”

Carlos fixed him with a firm look. “T.K. I want to have sex with you, I do. But I’m a big fan of enthusiastic consent. And right now you’re consenting but…I’m kind of missing the enthusiasm.”

T.K. sighed and sat up, resting his elbows on his knees, running a hand over his face. “I’m sorry. I should have just gone home.”

Carlos felt a pang of sympathy as he watched the weight of whatever T.K. was dealing with settle fully on his shoulders. He reached over and put a hand on T.K.’s knee. “You know, you don’t have to tell me what’s going on if you don’t want to. But if you do, I’m here. Or if you don’t want to talk I can drive you home. No questions asked.”

He could see T.K.’s jaw working, like he was trying to hold back tears. He shook his head silently, misery all over his face and Carlos couldn’t take it any longer. He slid closer so their thighs touched and put his free hand on T.K.’s shoulder. “T.K. what is it?”

The other man sucked in a breath, pinching the bridge of his nose as he squeezed his eyes shut. “My dad has cancer.”

Of all the things he’d considered, this had never crossed his mind. It felt like a punch in the gut. And if it felt that way to him, he could only imagine how it felt to T.K.

“It’s lung cancer,” T.K. continued. “From the towers. And he didn’t tell me. He just moved us across the country like he could run away from it. I thought he made us come here because of me but really, it was because of him. And me. Both of us I guess, I don’t even know anymore.”

T.K. looked so wrung out and exhausted and Carlos’ heart ached, wishing for all the world that he could somehow take his pain away.

“He’s been getting chemo and dealing with this for months now, all on his own because he couldn’t tell me or didn’t want to tell me or didn’t trust me enough to tell me and I feel really REALLY shitty about it,” T.K. said. “Like the worst son in the world for not noticing and not being…okay enough for him to talk to me about it. Because you know that people with a support system have a better chance of beating cancer than people that don’t. And I haven’t been providing that for him. I’ve just been dealing with my own shit again.”

His intake of breath was shaky, words continuing to pour out of him. “And I told him that I wasn’t scared, that I knew he was going to be all right, but I think that was a lie. Because right now I’m terrified. I’m terrified that I’m going to lose him. And I promised myself I would never lie to him again after what happened in New York but how could I say anything else? He needs me to be strong but,” T.K. finally looked up and met Carlos’ eyes, “I’m not very good at being strong. As evidenced by the addiction and relapses.”

He shook his head again and ran an agitated hand over his face. “And I don’t even know why I’m telling you all of this. I’m sorry, it’s been a long day and I kind of can’t stop thinking about it and it all just kind of…spilled out.”

Carlos squeezed his knee. “Well, they do call me “The Confessor” at the precinct. Bad guys take one look at me and give up all their secrets.”

T.K. raised his eyebrows. “They do?”

“No, T.K. it’s a joke.” He winced slightly. “Maybe not the right time for a joke. Sorry.”

T.K. snorted. “No it’s…thanks. I needed that.” He exhaled slowly. “I think I needed all of that. I don’t uh, I don’t have many people I can talk to about stuff like this. So thanks for letting me unload on you. Again.”

“You can talk to me anytime,” Carlos said. “I mean it. And if you need help with your dad, anything at all, I’m glad to do that too. I can drive to appointments, pick things up, make phone calls, or just be a shoulder to cry on.”

T.K. gave him a soft, smile, the first genuine one of the night, and cupped his cheek. “You are so sweet. You know that?”

“I think you’ve mentioned it once or twice,” Carlos told him. “I’m not just saying it; I’m serious T.K. Anything you need, anything at all.”

He couldn’t fix this, couldn’t tell T.K. that it would all be all right in the end, couldn’t give him the assurances he longed for, but he could offer his presence and support.

“I know,” T.K. said, and he seemed to genuinely believe it. “Thank you.”

Carlos leaned forward and pressed a soft kiss to his lips, lingering for just a moment before pressing their foreheads together. “Do you want to stay here tonight?”

T.K. nodded against him and didn’t pull back. “Do you mind if we don’t…I just don’t think I…”

“How about we watch a movie?” Carlos suggested. “I’ll make some popcorn, we can relax. Decompress a little bit.”

“Are you sure that’s okay?” T.K. asked.

Carlos smiled. “Believe it or not I like being with you even when we’re not having sex. And I am very capable of going without for a night or two.”

“But not three?” T.K. asked as Carlos got up and moved to the kitchen.

Carlos gave a fake wince. “That would be pushing it. I might have to find another hot shot firefighter from New York to hook up with.”

“You get a lot of those in Austin?”

“Oh they’re a dime a dozen around here,” Carlos said with a teasing grin as he started the microwave. “Walk down the street and you’re bound to run into at least a few. Although, I don’t think all of them have such a passion for hose nozzles.”

Now T.K. winced for real. “Sorry. I ramble when I’m anxious.”

“I noticed. It’s okay. And next time I’m at a scene and someone asks me for a hose nozzle, I will definitely be able to help. In fact, I think I’ll add that to my resumé. Hose Nozzle Expert.”

“Oh god,” T.K. rolled his eyes. “I’m a terrible date.”

Carlos returned with the popcorn. “Well I’ll guess we’ll just have to go on another one. Give you a chance to make it up to me.”

“Friday?” T.K. asked.

“I have a shift starting mid-morning.”

“Breakfast then?”

Carlos handed him the popcorn bowl. “Breakfast it is. Now,” he settled back into the couch and pulled T.K. toward him until they were cuddled together. “Relax. I’ve got you.”

#911 Lone Star #Tarlos #T.K. Strand #Carlos Reyes #Tarlos Fic #Late #Emotional Hurt/Comfort #Soft boys #Domestic Tarlos #Fluff

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iamtrebleclefstories · 4 years

Text

Everything They Say is True

Jo and Alex don't really broadcast their relationship to everyone. Sure, they are excited to be together, but it's no one's business but theirs. For those who don't know about their relationship status, things can get awkward very quickly.

-or-

A fic that takes place within Grey's Anatomy canon

Hi guys! This surprise fic was born out of a dream I had last night and I wrote the majority of it while on my lunch break lol. I hope you guys enjoy this little piece of jolex fluff before I post chapter 9 of Didn't Think.

-Takes place during early season 10-

“God, is being outrageously hot a requirement to be hired as an attending at this hospital?” Gia Holt whispered to the young woman sitting beside her.

Anna Vargas looked over at the group of attending surgeons sitting together at a lunch table and chuckled softly, “It would seem so. I mean look at them. If one of them asked me to open my legs, I’d do it in a heartbeat.”

“Same here,” Gia replied. “And I have absolutely no shame in saying that.”

“You know I’ve been thinking that maybe it’s a balancing act,” Anna said.

Gia furrowed her brow, “What do you mean?”

“Well,” Anna started. “Being a surgical intern is hell. We are run ragged on a daily basis. So it would be unjust if we were expected to do all this work without some sort of compensation. So, the hospital gods blessed us with eye candy.”

Gia laughed amused at her friend’s deduction, “I like how you think, Anna. But, I would hardly consider eye candy as enough to make up for the hardship of being an intern. You know we’re always on someone’s service, doing scut and everything that can’t be bothered to do. If we’re serving them on a daily basis, it would only be fair that they serviced us.”

Anna’s eyes widened as she processed her friend’s words, “Gia!”

“What? I’m being honest. How nice would it be to be taught new skills by our attendings outside of the OR?”

“You are something else, Gi.” Anna shook her head.

“Come on,” Gia huffed. “You have to have at least thought about it. I mean, you’re bi so you have your pick of whoever you want.”

“Very true,” Anna nodded. “But I don’t think I’d actually do it. Maybe a resident, but an attending? I don’t think I have the guts to do that. If you want to though, go for it. Maybe you’ll get lucky and get a surgery or two out of sleeping with one of them.”

“So which one should I make a pass at?”

Anna scrunched her face in thought, “Well first, you should probably figure out who isn’t married and go from there. I know Shepherd and Grey are hitched so hot neurosurgeon is off the table.”

“That’s a shame,” Gia sighed. “I wonder if Avery and that resident Edwards are together. I saw them making out in the hallway a few months ago. If they are I can’t blame her. I mean, look at those eyes.”

Anna hummed in agreeance, “Every time I’ve had to work with him I try not to look into his eyes so that he doesn’t see that I’m secretly melting internally. He’s definitely pretty, but I don’t think he’s what you’re looking for. He doesn’t strike me for the guy who would let you in on a surgery because you gave him some ass.”

“True,” Gia said thoughtfully. “I feel like he’s the type to give you a really nice gift after sex, but not to let you scrub in. Not that I’m looking to have sex with an attending so that I can scrub in. I’m a good doctor. I can get in on a surgery by my own merit. I just really want some hot sex with a hot guy and the guys in our class don't seem… up for the task.”

“Ooh!” Anna exclaimed. “What about Karev? The peds attending? He’s stupid hot and great with kids.”

Gia gasped, “You know what, I heard that he slept with basically all the female interns from last year’s class--some of the nurses too--so he’s not above it. From what I’ve heard, he’s really good at it too. He’s hot, got a stellar reputation in the sack, and he’s good with kids. Not that I want kids right now, but it says a lot about your character if kids like you.”

“I agree,” Anna nodded as they continued to finish their lunch. They made casual conversation before receiving pages to the pit from their resident. “You just get a page from Wilson?”

“Yeah to the pit. I wonder what happened that she had to page both of us. Did something big happen?” Gia threw her garbage away as she and Anna started running down towards the ER.

Anna shrugged, “I don’t know. I haven’t heard anything. I sure hope it’s something good. I would really love to get to see the inside of an OR today.”

*****

Jo Wilson had hoped for a light day today. It had started off as a pretty quiet day. She and Alex started their morning in the shower with some hot shower sex and then stopped for breakfast at their favorite donut shop. When they got to work, she did rounds, assigned her interns to their posts and then proceeded to perform an appy on a seventeen year old. She had just scrubbed out when she decided to go down to the pit to answer any surgery consults. She spent a few hours down in the ER when she got pulled aside into any empty linen closet. She smiled widely when she realized who it was and turned to kiss Alex.

"Hey, how's Micky? I heard you're trying to find an alternative treatment option for his Wilms tumor."

"Yeah, we couldn't get the entire thing the first time around so I'm hoping with a little bit of chemo we'll be able to shrink it enough to get good margins. And since—as of ten minutes ago—you're on my service for the next two weeks, you'll be scrubbing in with me on that and any other cool thing that comes our way." Alex grinned widely at his girlfriend.

Jo's eyes widened in glee, "Really? Wait, why am I on your service for two weeks? You didn't request me just because I let you in my pants on a daily basis?"

Alex scoffed, "Please. My friends own the hospital, I can put whoever I want on my service. But to answer your question, no it's not because you are a great lay or because I love you. It's because you're an amazing doctor and are going to become a really damn good surgeon one day. Maybe even a peds surgeon. And I don't let just anyone work on peds. Peds is hardcore. I'm not gonna let just anyone hack up a kid. I'm gonna let the best, and you are the best."

Jo grinned before kissing him again, "You are the best boyfriend and attending ever."

"I know," Alex smirked. "Okay I'm going to get lunch. Want to join me?"

"I wish I could but I just started some sutures on a lady in bed 4."

"Get one of your interns to do it. That's what they're here for."

"I would but they are currently having lunch and I'm almost done anyway. I'll come eat when I'm finished."

Alex looked at her skeptically. Knowing his girlfriend, Jo would probably forget to eat and then later in the evening he'd end up having to buy her one of everything off the menu at Joe's. "Alright, I'll see you later."

About fifteen minutes later, Jo had finally discharged the woman she had been suturing. She was about to make her way to the cafeteria when a nurse called out to her, "Dr. Wilson! There is a rig about three minutes out with a five year old girl that received trauma to the lower ribcage, upper abdomen after falling from a tree at school. There don't seem to be any breaks but paramedics are concerned with a possible collapsed lung and fluid build up in the abdomen."

" Okay, page Dr. Karev and my interns, Holt and Vargas. And have cardio on standby. "

" Right away, Doctor Wilson."

Jo sighed before gowning up and going to the ambulance bay to wait for the rig, "So much for going to lunch," She muttered to herself. Seconds later, she heard footsteps walking behind her. Turning to see her interns now gowned up she gives them a small smile before filling them in on the situation. "Vargas, go prepare trauma two and get a portable ultrasound and x-ray ready. Holt, make sure we have a peds cart ready and a chest tray for a suspected pneumothorax. I'll retrieve the patient. The ambulance is one minute out so please be quick."

The two young women nodded at their resident and ran to prepare for the little girl about to come in. When the paramedics arrived, Jo hurried and ushered the small child into the trauma room that had been prepared. She was taking the young girls vitals when Alex walked into the room.

“You paged me? What do we got?”

“Lizzie Graham, five years old. She fell fifteen feet out of a tree at recess. She’s got a pneumothorax and fluid build up in the abdomen. There isn't any evidence of fractures, just some nasty bruising. We just took her x-rays and are about to perform an ultrasound,” Jo sighed. “Her O2 levels are low and she’s got unequal breath sounds. She needs a chest tube.”

Alex furrowed his brows. He always hated this part. Chest tubes hurt like a bitch--he knew that from experience. He looked over to the two interns in the room, “Did someone contact her parents yet?”

“Yes,” Holt replied. “They are on their way to the hospital as we speak. One of her teachers is out in the waiting room.”

"Good," Alex looked over to Jo who had prepared the chest tube. Crouching down by the whimpering child, he smoothed down her hair in a comforting manner. "Hey Lizzie. My name is Dr. Alex. I heard that you took a fall today. We're gonna try our best to help you feel better. But in order to feel better, you're going to feel some pain first. The pain is going to help you breathe, so I need you to be brave for me. Can you do that? Can you be brave?"

Lizzie nodded tearfully, "Hold my hand?"

Jo's heart broke at the little girl's request, "Hey Lizzie, my name is Dr. Jo. Dr. Alex needs both of his hands in order to help you breathe but you can hold mine and squeeze as tight as you want."

They got the tube in and proceeded to perform the ultrasound, "Looks like a ruptured spleen and appendix. She might have a liver lac, but we won't know until we get in there. Holt, book an OR and prep Lizzie. Vargas, stay out here and let me know as soon as her parents arrive. Be sure to keep an eye on my pre and post-ops while Wilson and I are in surgery."

The interns nodded, "Yes Dr. Karev."

*****

The surgery went well. They ended up having to remove both Lizzie's spleen and appendix, but Alex was confident that Lizzie would make a full recovery. They were on their way out to speak to the young girl’s parents who had arrived at the hospital twenty minutes after they went in for surgery. Alex went up to the pair and motioned for Jo to follow him while the interns stood a couple feet off to the side, “Hi my name is Doctor Karev. You must be Lizzie’s parents."

The couple sprung up from their seats frantically, “Yes! How is she? How is our daughter?”

“She is doing just fine. She came in with a ruptured spleen and appendix. Doctor Wilson and I were able to remove both the spleen and appendix. Thankfully, she did not break any bones during the fall so her recovery will last about four to six weeks. I’d like to keep her here in the hospital for about a week for observation, but if everything goes well, she’ll be good to go home when the time is over.” Alex replied to the parents.

“Can we see her?” Mrs. Graham asked.

“Lizzie is in recovery right now, but I can have one of my interns take you to her room to wait for her to arrive. She will be groggy and possibly in a bit of pain, but all of that is completely normal. We will come in to check on her in about an hour to two hours to ensure everything is okay.” Jo smiled at the worried pair. She turned over to her interns, “Holt, you take the Graham’s up to Lizzie’s room? Vargas, make sure to continue to keep an eye on Doctor Karev’s pre and post ops. Both of you keep us posted if anything changes.” Both interns left to do their tasks.

“You did great in there today,” Alex complimented as he and Jo walked down the hall.

Jo grinned cheekily, “Thank you. You were a wonderful teacher as always. So, do we have any more surgeries scheduled for the day?”

"Just a hernia repair in about an hour. Shouldn't take more than 45 minutes to do. And I've been thinking, I might let you take the lead on this one."

"Really?"

"Yeah. You know how we do things; see one, do one, teach one. You've seen hernia repairs done before, and you've assisted with them, so today you lead and I'll assist."

Jo grabbed Alex’s hand and pulled him into the empty on-call room down the hall and smiled, “You sir, are doing a very good job if your goal was to get into my pants for the second time today.”

“Am I?” Alex feigned innocence. He kissed her deeply before speaking again, “Lock the door.”

*****

Laying in the afterglow had become one of Jo’s favorite parts of sex with Alex. She had never experienced such security and love as she did when she was in his arms. She snuggled closer to him and closed her eyes for a brief moment. Alex was caressing her back when her stomach growled loudly, ruining the moment.

“Dude, I thought I told you to eat lunch,” Alex chastised.

“I was going to… but then Lizzie came into the ER and I got pulled into a 4 hour surgery.”

“Jo, all you’ve had all day is a powdered sugar donut and a medium coffee. You’re a doctor, you of all people should know that’s not healthy.”

“Wow, you’re one to talk. If I can recall correctly, not too long ago I was the one getting on your ass about eating right,” Jo reminded.

“Shut up,” Alex glared playfully. “Come on. Let’s get something for you to eat. We got the hernia repair in fifteen minutes.”

They each bought a snack and went to check in on their patient before getting ready for surgery. After assuring the nervous parents, Alex looked over to the interns, “Hey, Holt and Vargas! Wilson is going to be performing the hernia removal today and I think it would be good for you to observe your resident performing a procedure. You’ll both scrub in and take turns holding the retractor and observing. We’ll meet you in the OR.”

“You know, before I was an intern, you would have never been so eager to teach. I think dating a resident has made you soft,” Jo teased as the two of them entered the scrub room.

Alex rolled his eyes as he scrubbed. They walked into the operating room and looked down at the young patient; eleven year old Hunter Miller. The interns were ready and standing around the OR table. Alex nodded reassuringly as Jo took a deep stabilizing breath, “Alright Jo. The floor is yours. You’ve got this. Don’t second-guess or underestimate yourself. Remember what I always say--”

“You wouldn’t let me hack into a kid just because you like me. You let me in on a surgery because I’m good,” Jo finished.

“Exactly,” he smiled through his mask. “Now, just walk me through everything and take the time to teach your interns about what is going on.”

She nodded and began. They were about halfway through the hernia repair when Alex felt confident enough in Jo’s abilities to begin a conversation, “So Mer wants us to go to Joe’s bar tonight. Something about Yang’s birthday and tequila shots. Doesn’t want to make a huge deal about it, but thought it would be fun to invite a whole bunch of people for shots.”

Jo looked up from her work skeptically, “Did Grey really invite me or did she invite you?”

“Does it matter?”

“Yes it matters. Grey hates me.”

“No she doesn’t.”

“Yes she does.”

“Jo, Mer does not hate you. She likes you, trust me. You know, one time she even told me she thinks you're a badass.”

Jo snorted, “Well she sure has a funny way of showing it.”

“She told me to invite you. And you won’t be the only resident. She’s inviting Ross and Edwards too so you’ll have friends. Besides, you live with Cristina so it would look really bad if you didn’t show up to her birthday shots and she saw you lounging in your sweats on the couch with a beer and a tub of popcorn,” Alex said.

“You live with Dr. Yang?” Vargas asked.

Jo and Alex looked over at the intern in surprise, almost forgetting that they were not alone, “Yeah we live in the same house. We both crash with Alex. I’m surprised he hasn’t kicked us out yet.”

“Shut up… I need the rent check."

“Wait, so you all live in one house together?” Holt asked.

“I like to lovingly refer to it as the frat house. Everyone has lived there at some point,” Jo replied.

“It used to be Grey’s house. A lot of the attendings have lived there at some point. Shepherd, Kepner, Avery, and some people who aren’t around anymore. It was always open for anyone who needed a place to stay,” Alex shared. “I bought it from her last year and kept up the tradition.”

Jo laughed, "I really don't know why you think Yang would notice if I’m there or not. It’s not like we’re close.”

“Look, I’d rather be lounging on the couch in my sweats watching old reruns of Friends or Modern Family, drinking beer too but if I have to go, you have to go.”

“They’re your best friends, though!”

“Come on Jo,” Alex pleaded. “If you go and decide to leave early then I’ll have an excuse to leave because we came in the same car this morning. Also, don’t forget you’re on my service for the next few weeks. I can make your life hell.”

“Woah,” Jo looked up from the patient. “That sounds a bit like coercion.”

Alex gave her an unimpressed look, “Please. I’m begging here. And you know I don’t beg. I can’t handle another night of hearing about Mer’s McDreamy issues and Cristina’s weird arrangement with her not-husband.”

Jo exhaled, “Okay. Fine I’ll go. But you’re buying everything.”

“Deal.”

The rest of the surgery goes extremely well. Jo completed the repair perfectly. The four doctors are in the process of scrubbing out when Alex spoke up again, “You know, Holt and Vargas, you should meet us at Joe’s to celebrate. Your resident just performed a hernia repair on her own on a peds patient and you both assisted. So drinks are on me tonight!’

The interns nodded in excitement and confirmed that they would be at the bar that night at seven o’clock. Alex sent them off to do a couple tasks while he and Jo went to check on Lizzie and a few of his other patients.

*****

“Can you believe it? Karev invited us out for drinks later!” Gia screeched excitedly. “This might be easier than I thought.”

“It is exciting,” Anna agreed. “We hardly ever get to spend time with everyone outside the hospital. So who knows, maybe even I will get laid tonight. You might want to wait before you make a movie on Karev, though. I am trying to figure out though, if Wilson and Karev are sleeping together.”

“Why would you think that?” Gia asked.

“Wilson is only a second year resident living with two attendings. There’s no way she could’ve moved in with them as an intern unless she was already friends with one of them, and from the conversation in the OR, I can tell that she’s not close to Yang. Her and Karev seem really close, but I can’t tell if they’re just friends or if she’s sleeping with him. I mean, he just let her take point on a surgery. Karev is known for being horrible to interns and residents. So I’m wondering if they’re friends with benefits.”

Gia tilted her head to the side, “You make a good point there. She may have already beat me to him… either way I think I’ll still try. Maybe they are sleeping together, maybe they aren’t exclusive, maybe they’re just friends. I don’t know, but Karev is hot and so am I, and we could have some really hot sex, so I’m gonna make a move. The worst he can say is no.”

They walked into the bar and saw Wilson sitting with Ross and Edwards at the bar. Off to the side, Karev was standing at a table with Yang and Grey, rolling his eyes at something they said. Doctor Grey gets the attention of the surrounding doctors before speaking, “Alright as many of you may know, today is Cristina’s birthday so we’re going to do some shots! If you are a doctor at Grey-Sloan, then please make your way over to the bar as we toast to everyone’s favorite cardiothoracic surgeon.”

A string of laughter and teasing could be heard as everyone took hold of their tequila shots and lifted them up, “To Doctor Yang.”

“To Doctor Yang!”

The atmosphere lightened up a bit and distinctions between superiors and subordinates blurred as the alcohol made its way around the room. Alex left his friends and made his wave over to where Jo was sitting at the bar and waved over Holt and Vargas. He looked over to the bartender and began to order some drinks, “Hey man. Can I get a beer for me, a vodka and coke for Jo, I don’t know what those two want but it’s on me.”

“I’ll take a martini and Anna will have a cosmopolitan,” Gia answered.

After each receiving their drinks, Alex raised his glass, “To a great day of saving tiny humans. It’s not everyday that you treat a kid that’s gonna make it, but today we did.”

The group cheered and downed their drinks. About an hour had passed, and everyone was starting to feel some of the effects of the alcohol. Alex became more flirty than usual. His statements were suggestive and oftentimes. Jo was a giggler. She found everything mildly hilarious and more often than not, lost an item or two of clothes in the process. So far, she had shed the cardigan she’d been wearing. Interns on the other hand, became more bold when drinking alcohol. Gia especially, had her inhibitions lowered and decided that she would finally make her move on Karev.

“So Karev, when was the last time you picked someone up in the bar?” Gia asked.

Alex laughed, “Honestly, I don’t remember.”

“Oh please,” Jo rolled her eyes. “I’m sure you remember. It couldn’t have been that long ago. You’d come here every other day with Avery while I was dating Jason and couldn’t hang out with you.”

“I’m serious,” Alex swore. “The last time I came to the bar and tried to pick someone up was last year before Mer, and everyone bought the hospital. I’m out of practice.”

“There’s no way,” Jo shook her head in disbelief. “You did not go that long without a bar hookup.”

“But I did,” Alex nodded.

Sensing that this might finally be her moment, Gia exchanged a glance with an equally tipsy Anna and turned to Alex, “Well, we have to fix that don’t we?”

“Huh?” Alex scrunched his face at the intern.

Jo--who had understood what was going on--burst out into laughter. She considered saying something and staking her claim on Alex, but decided to let him suffer and see what his reaction would be.

Gia smiled flirtily and placed her hand on Alex’s arm, “You said you’re out of practice, so how about I help you break your dry streak?”

Alex’s eyes widened comically as he finally caught on to what the young woman was suggesting. His eyebrows raised and he opened his mouth in shock, closing it dumbly when words failed to come out. He looked over to Jo for assistance, only to find that she was laughing so hard that tears were trailing down her cheeks. Alex laughed awkward and attempted to say something again, “Um… I’m good, thanks.”

“Oh come on, there’s no need to be shy,” Gia winked. “I know you aren’t. Your reputation speaks for itself, and I for one would not mind finding out if all they say is true.”

Alex looked at Jo with desperation in his eyes. Finally deciding to have mercy on him, she turned to her intern with an amused look on her face, “Alex won’t be going home with you tonight.”

“Why not?” Gia asked, seeming mildly offended.

“Because, tonight, Alex will be going home with me,” Jo supplied. “Just like he does every night, because I’m his girlfriend and he no longer needs to pick up random women in bars.”

Both Gia and Anna’s faces paled at Jo’s confession. Gia began to stutter her apologies to her resident when Jo interrupted her, “Holt. Relax. I get it, trust me. He’s hot.”

Alex, who had been observing the scene, felt his ears get hot, “Jo…”

“I’m serious,” Jo grinned. “No hard feelings. You didn’t know. But now you do, so if I see or hear of you making another pass at my boyfriend, you will be drowning in scut.”

Gia nodded and buried her face in her hands in embarrassment. Anna placed a comforting hand on her shoulder, “I guess I was right, huh?”

“I’m thinking I should’ve listened to you when you suggested that they might be a thing,” Gia cringed.

Deciding it was time to leave and allow the poor intern to wallow in her embarrassment, Alex pulled Jo up and started to guide her out the door. Just as the two of them were about to walk out the door, Jo stopped and gave Gia sly smirk, “Oh and just so you know, everything they say about him is true.”

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alexsfictionaddiction · 3 years

Text

Review: The Cancer Ladies’ Running Club by Josie Lloyd

Every day that goes by, I become more and more grateful for stories about real humans making the most of their lives. I was prepared for an inspiring yet tearjerking read with this one and I knew I was going to get a lot from it.

When Keira is diagnosed with breast cancer, she is desperate for her life not to change. She wants to keep being Tom’s wife, a mum of three and a successful business owner of gift shop Wishwells. Cancer World isn’t a place she ever wants to go. Then she discovers running through a group of fierce and funny female cancer patients. As Keira is forced to accept that her life is different now, she will run as fast as she can to reclaim it.

Keira often speaks to her dead father when she needs guidance and reassurance. It’s tragic that he isn’t around to see her conquering the mountain that is cancer but there is definitely a sense that he is still there for her. Wishwells was originally his shop and it’s almost as if he is always present within its walls. Even when the shop is in trouble, Keira’s loyalty to the place combined with the spirit of her father gave me the confidence that things would work out.

I am lucky enough to never have had a serious medical diagnosis like cancer but I can imagine this being a very real concern for those that have. It is true that the majority of people treat cancer patients differently and I can only imagine the frustration of having to live with that. This is exactly why Keira wants to keep her diagnosis a secret.

Another constant torment for Keira is the questioning of why cancer has happened to her. She puts it down to her love of a drink and cigarette every so often, which of course is unlikely. Her fantastic friend Amma reminds her that they’ve all done exactly the same thing. One of cancer’s many cruel traits is that it is entirely non-judgemental when it comes to selecting victims. As Keira says, they are ‘just statistics’.

Keira and Tom’s marriage feels really authentic for me too. I’ve never been married but they felt like a real couple who have been together for a very long time. There were points in the book where I was extremely angry at Tom and I had the same suspicions about him that Keira had. At other times, he was a wonderful supportive husband, who is clearly madly in love with his wife. These peaks and troughs are so realistic in a long-term relationship, particularly one that has been rocked with a bombshell like cancer.

One of my favourite things about this book is that it manages to be very funny, even when talking about horrific things such as chemo. This is testament to the brilliance of the characters. Every founding member of the running club is a beautiful, smart, inspirational woman, which made the book such pure joy to read. I was constantly pre-empting the tears though!

The further that Keira immerses herself in Cancer World, the more happy endings she discovers. As the running club grows, she finally stops hearing stories of cancer patients dying and is presented with amazing living proof that cancer isn’t always a death sentence. I can’t think of a more hopeful sentiment to take away from a novel that is predominantly about a very real threat that we’re all terrified of.

Of course, there is a devastating occurrence towards the end of the book but it still manages to end on a final note of hope. Keira has learned so much from her friends and is determined to fully embrace every second that she is alive. Obviously, this is a wonderfully uplifting and important mantra for every single reader and I finished it with a newfound bag of energy to make the most of my time here on Earth too.

The Cancer Ladies’ Running Club is a beautiful, heartbreaking story, full of life lessons. It’s about finding your tribe and fighting demons -both within ourselves and those who try to sabotage our lives. Celebrating the power of friendship and overcoming incredible feats, this is the smile-inducing jolt of inspiration you need this year.

#the cancer ladies running club #josie lloyd #contemporary fiction #women's fiction #book review #review #books #bookworm

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appalachianwiine · 3 years

Text

Swim - Chapter 6 - Soon You’ll Get Better

The buttons of my coat were tangled in my hair

In doctor's-office-lighting, I didn't tell you I was scared

That was the first time we were there

Holy orange bottles, each night I pray to you

Desperate people find faith, so now I pray to Jesus too

And I say to you

Ooh-ah, soon you'll get better

“Soon You’ll Get Better” by Taylor Swift

It’s another restless night for the both of them. The nurses are in and out a half dozen times, leaving little more then two hours stretches in which they can sleep. Lydia doesn’t seem terribly fussed by this, waking rather grumpily for vitals and then drifting back off to sleep as the nurse exited the room. Daryl on the other hand manages less than four hours of broken sleep.

By the time 7:30 rolls around Lydia is wide awake and asking for breakfast. Daryl, who had only gotten to dozing again a half hour before, sits up with a groan. He runs a hand over his face and rubs the sleep from his eyes, looking over at Lydia, who’s moved from the hospital bed to sit at the foot of the hide-away.

“Alrigh’.” He mutters. “I’ll go down an’ get us some breakfast.”

“Can I have pancakes?” Lydia asks eagerly. “And juice?”

“Sure kiddo.” Daryl sighs, swinging his legs off the side of the hide-away and into his boots. “Then you gotta take a bath okay?”

“A shower.” Lydia frowns.

“I don’ know ‘bout that.” He mutters, bending over to lace up the boots. “You ain supposed t’ get that PICC line wet, but I’ll ask the nurse.” Lord knew a shower would be easier on him. It would give him a good 15 minutes to think.

“Okay.”

“Good girl.” He yawns. “I’ll be back in 10 minutes. Behave.” He leans over to kiss the top of her head.

“I will.” Lydia promises.

When Daryl gets to the elevator he finds Ezekiel waiting. Yesterday’s buoyant, playful man was gone. The Ezekiel who stood next to him looked twice as tired as Daryl felt and as though all the joy had been sucked out of him.

“Daryl.” Ezekiel forces a strained smile. “You and Lydia sleep well?”

“Not really.” Daryl mutters. “Not that Lydia seems t’ have noticed. You an’ Henry?”

“No.” Ezekiel frowns, stepping into the elevator as the doors open. “Henry got his round of chemo yesterday evening. He was up most of the night being sick. I’m going to get him something to eat. I want him to at least try.”

“Sorry man.” Daryl follows him into the elevator, a knot settling in his stomach. Lydia’s first chemotherapy treatment was today.

“Oh he’ll get through it.” Ezekiel sighs. “I just hate seeing him like this. This is not my little boy.”

“Yeah.” Daryl licks his lips. He doesn’t much want to make conversation, but he’s stuck in the elevator with the other man and they’re going to the same place. “So uh, how y’all likin’ Atlanta?”

Ezekiel raises his eyebrows. “Given the circumstances it’s not my favorite city.”

“Ah.” Daryl mutters, he hadn’t thought of the reason they were in Atlanta. Stupid given Ezekiel had told him just yesterday. “Sorry.”

“It’s fine.” Ezekiel shakes his head, stepping out of the elevator. “Lydia starts treatment today yes?”

“Yeah.” Daryl nods.

“I’m sorry.” Ezekiel whispers. “It’s… it’s not something I would wish on the worst of us.”

The air between them lingers heavily as they enter the cafeteria, it’s quiet this early in the morning, the staff shuffling about quietly, one or two tired parents clutching pagers and looking around nervously. Daryl follows Ezekiel to the counter, ordering after him and taking the number given to him. He finds himself once again standing next to Ezekiel, waiting for their orders to be ready.

“I uh - I saw Henry the other night.” Daryl says finally. “The night we were admitted.”

“You did?” Ezekiel frowns.

“Yeah um - he was hiding behind the nursing station and uh - you picked him up and he -”

“Was laughing.” Ezekiel finishes.

“Yeah.” Daryl nods. “It was ten o’clock at night on the cancer floor and he was laughing.”

“That’s Henry.” Ezekiel smiles. “He’s always made the best of the worst situations.”

“He's done this before?” Daryl asks.

“No - not this exactly.” Ezekiel says. “But um - when he was four he was in a very bad car accident.”

“Oh.” Daryl frowns. “Was he uh - was he -”

“Mine then?” Ezekiel finishes. Daryl feels his face grow hot. “No, he wasn’t. I was a newly licensed foster parent in Prince William County, and he was my first foster child. His brother and both parents were killed in the accident. The parents instantly, the brother after a few days.”

“Shit man.” Daryl mutters. “That’s rough.”

“Yeah.” Ezekiel says. “He’s had it harder then most, but he still laughs. He still makes the best of what he’s given. It’s a gift from God.”

“God.” Daryl monotones.

“You don’t believe in God?” Ezekiel offers a half smile.

“I do.” Daryl says. “But I don’ think he’s worth worshippin’.”

“Hm.” Ezekiel frowns.

“No speech?” Daryl chuckles.

“No speech.” Ezekiel says. “Your relationship with God is not my business, and mine is not yours. But God has helped my son. He’s given us this clinical trial. He’s given me a place at the zoo. He’s shown me Carol.”

“‘S a little preachy.”

“You asked.” Ezekiel smiles.

“Fair.” They linger in silence until Ezekiel’s number is called and Daryl’s shortly there after. As they’re walking back towards the elevator Ezekiel speaks again. “I hope Lydia handles her chemotherapy well.”

“Thanks.” Daryl nods, stepping into the elevator. “How - when will we know?”

“Well every child reacts differently.” Ezekiel says. “Henry handles some better then others. He does fine with the cisplatin but the vincristine is pretty hard on him. Thats the one he got last night, I expect we’ll be here for at least a week with the side effects.”

“Shit man.” Daryl mutters. Will it be like that for Lydia? She had a different kind of cancer, surely the treatment would be different?

“He’s a strong boy.” Ezekiel says. “He’ll get through it.”

“Yeah.”

They linger in silence until they get out of the elevator and make their way to their separate rooms. Lydia takes the pancakes and juice with glee, someone’s turned on the television for her while he was gone and the grating sound of Disney Channel ran through they room. Daryl took his coffee over to the pull out bed and sat down, sipping it gingerly. The disney jingle pierced his brain as one of the many formulaic shows started up. He needed sleep, but coffee would help for now.

The door pushes open, reminding Daryl for the millionth time that their world is completely different then it was two days ago.

“Hey Lydia.” Dr. Rhee says. “Sleep good?” “I guess.” Lydia nods, not really paying attention, her eyes focused on the TV as she ate.

“Good” Maggie grins. “Mind if I borrow daddy for a bit?”

“Okay.” Lydia shrugs,.

“Come with me Mr. Dixon?” Dr. Rhee motions him out of the room.

“Yeah.” Daryl nods, picking up his coffee and following her into the hall. His stomach twists into more knots. “Are her biopsy results bad or something?”

“They’re not back yet.” Dr. Rhee assures. “I just wanted to talk to you about the chemo she’ll be starting today and get the consent forms signed.”

“Oh.” Daryl nods. “ Yeah um, sure.”

Dr. Rhee leads him to the nurses station and picks up a clipboard and pen, holding them out to Daryl. He takes them. The form is thick, at least ten pages long and on the top page alone he see’s a bold heading ‘Vincristine effects and side effects.” The foreign word floats in front of his eyes,

V I N C R I S T I N E.

It sounds almost as bad as ‘Leukemia’ does.

“Just in here.” Daryl blinks, Dr. Rhee is standing across the room. He nods, and hurries to the door she indicates. The room is small, a little more personal then the other rooms. There’s a low table with a few toys, and a hot water heater and packets of tea and instant coffee by the wall. A couple of arm chairs sit against one wall and there’s a table with three chairs - one to one side, and the other two opposite - in the middle of the room. “Would you like a minute to go over the form?”

“Nah.” Daryl shakes his head. “Jus’ - tell me ‘bout the chemo yerself.” He figures she’ll be able to explain it better then the consent form can. That will be full of legal jargon and confusing terminology. Daryl wasn’t stupid, but he wasn’t going to attempt the consent form until he had a bit more time.

“Right.” Dr. Rhee smiles, taking a seat in one chair and motioning Daryl to the two opposite. He sits heavily in one, setting the clipboard down with a soft thud! “Today we’re going to give her a round of vincristine. It’s a type of chemotherapy, the most common used in treating most pediatric cancers but particularly leukemia’s. We’ll be using her PICC line to administer the drug, but because of the effects of vincristine on the kidneys we’re going to push fluids first. She’ll get fluids for 4 hours and then a half hour of chemotherapy followed by four more hours of fluids.”

Eight and a half hours of stuff going in her and only a half hour of it the medicine she’d need. Good lord what did that mean it would do to his little girl? He swallows hard and nods. “What um - what - when will stuff start happenin’?”

“Side effects or when will it start killing the cancer?” Dr. Rhee asks.

“Both I guess.”

“Well, it will start killing the cancer almost immediately, but right now there’s so much in her body we’re going to have to do quite a bit of it in conjunction with other therapies to get ahead of it.” Dr. Rhee explains. “Now the good thing is that vincristine is predictable. We’ve been using it for decades, so we know what to expect and how to balance it. Some effects take longer than others but she's probably going to be pretty nauseous not long after she gets the dose and we should expect this to increase. We can give zofran if things get too bad, but she probably won't be very interested in food. She might throw up, and diarrhea isn’t uncommon either. After about a week of treatments her blood counts will be at their lowest, that’s when we really need to be careful about infection. It’s likely she’ll get mouth sores and they’ll be pretty painful but we can manage them with morphine.”

“A - a week.” He mutters. “She’ll uh - won’t we have a treatment plan by then?”

“Yeah, we will, but vincristine is a staple in all leukemia treatment. It’s what we combine it with that changes.” Dr. Rhee says.

“And we - her hair?” Daryl mutters.

“It depends.” Dr. Rhee says. “Some kids want theirs shaved as soon as it starts falling out, but others want to wait until it falls out on its own. Child life came and talked to you?”

“Yeah.” He nods. “Gave her a Barbie with uh - with wigs an’ hats an’ stuff. Seemed t’ like that.”

“Good.” Dr. Rhee sounds far away now, the knot in his stomach growing steadily as the words fill his mind. Her hair. A week. Vincristine. Leukemia. Cancer. The words run across his mind in bright flashing colors, filling the whole space and leaving room for little else. Words he’d never thought about before and feared were now front and center in his mind. “Mr. Dixon?”

“Huh?” His eyes snap up to hers. “Sorry did - can you repeat that?”

“I asked if you had any other questions.” Dr. Rhee frowns. “Do you need a minute?”

“No.” He says hurriedly. “But uh - are we gonna be here the whole week?”

“Probably more like 2 or 3.” Dr. Rhee says. “First admissions are usually long.”

“Oh.” Daryl mutters. “I uh - I didn’t really… prepare for that.”

He didn’t have another set of clothes and all of Lydia’s were mismatched, haphazardly grabbed out of the dryer in a panic. Then there was the dog. He couldn’t be left with Rick and Michonne indefinitely. And work. He’d have to talk to his captain about a leave of absence. It was something he hated to do, Dwight had already been so understanding of the situation with Lydia’s adoption.

“You met Carol?” Dr. Rhee asks. Daryl nods. “Well she can help you with some of that. She has a network of people that can help. You have her number?”

“Yeah. But I don’t want to be a bother.” Daryl says.

“You won’t be.” Dr. Rhee insists. “Even if it’s just coming to sit with Lydia for an hour so you can get your stuff she’ll be happy to help.”

“Yeah.” Daryl mutters. “I’ll give her a call I guess.” He won’t have much choice. It’s the start of the work week, everyone else will be working crazy hours but a teacher was predictable. “And uh - can Lydia have a shower?”

“A bath.” Dr. Rhee says. “She needs to keep her PICC line dry, but I can get her a cast cover so she can bathe more comfortably.”

Well he wasn’t going to get his few minutes of peace then.

“Thanks.” Daryl mutters. “Uh is there anything else I should know?”

“No.” Maggie shakes her head. “Just the consent forms. I’ll give you a minute to go over them.”

“No need.” Daryl mutters, reaching for the pen and signing his name at the back of the forms. “I ain’ got much choice if I wan’ her t’ be okay.”

“I understand.” Dr. Rhee nods, taking the form from his outstretched hands. “I’ll send the nurse in to start her fluids in a half an hour so you’ll have time for that bath.”

“Thanks.” Daryl mutters.

As predicted Lydia was not thrilled about the bath and not being able to use her arm. Daryl has to wash her hair himself, scooping water over her head with a cup in a fashion he hadn’t done since she was six year s old. It was something she clearly wasn’t thrilled about, fat crocodile tears rolling down her face and her voice a high pitched whine the entire time. Daryl does his best not to look at the bruises lacing her torso and legs as he washes, dries, and helps her dress. They’re turning yellow-green today, and he hates the sight of them, they make him angry.

The fluids go in surprisingly well, once the nurse explains to Lydia that it’s just like water she doesn’t have to drink she’s surprisingly compliant to them being attached. Within a half an hour however she’s up for the toilet. It’s a bit of an ordeal to drag the infection pump to the bathroom and back and it’s one they repeat every half an hour or forty five minutes. Dr. Rhee hadn’t been kidding about keeping her hydrated. He hadn’t seen her potty dance this much since she was much smaller, and it seems to frustrate her too. He expects relief for them when the fluids finally stop, but then Dr. Rhee enters the room holding a small yellow bag with a biohazard sticker on the front.

Jesus Christ he’d take her to the toilet a thousand more times to avoid that.

“Okay Lydia.” Dr. Rhee smiles. “Are you ready for your medicine?”

Lydia frowns warily at Dr. Rhee, and her eyes fix on the bag in her hands. “I have to take all of that? Does it taste bad?”

“Well you don’t swallow it.” Dr. Rhee says. “It goes in your PICC line just like your fluids, but some people say they taste it anyway but it just tastes like metal.”

“Does it taste a lot?” Lydia’s even more wary, he wishes Dr. Rhee hadn’t told her that.

“No.” Dr. Rhee promises.

“Can daddy sit with me?” Lydia asks, looking back over at Daryl as Dr. Rhee approaches the infusion pole and disconnects the fluids.

“Of course he can.” Dr. Rhee smiles, handing the empty bag of fluids to the nurse.

“Daddy.” Lydia whimpers, holding out her arms. Daryl climbs onto the bed and lets her crawl into his lap.

“‘s okay.” Daryl whispers, running a hand over Lydia’s hair and settling back against the pillows. She’s shaking in his arms, her face turned pointedly to the infusion pole. He kisses her hair and looks over at Dr. Rhee, the medication is connected now and he watches a thin stream of yellow fluid move down the line, into Lydia’s arm and up towards her heart. It makes him feel sick.

“There.” Dr. Rhee says. “All connected.”

Lydia doesn’t answer, and Daryl pulls away slightly to glance at her. Her eyes are glazed over and she's whispering very softly. “Lydia oh Lydia, oh have you seen Lydia.”

“Hey, hey,” Daryl whispers, holding her tighter and trying to get her to snap out of it. “”S okay.”

“She was singing that in the OR yesterday.” Dr. .Rhee says.

“Lydia oh Lydia, that encyclo-pidia”

“She did?” Daryl’s heart sinks. She had to have been utterly terrified to sing that.

4 years she’d worked her ass off to get to a place where she could express her emotion. Countless hours of therapies and difficult conversations and the constant reinforcing that it was safe to express herself, to not disappear like with her mother, and here she was regressing before his eyes. He wanted something different. He wanted better. She deserved better.

“Shh.” He whispers, kissing her hair. “It’s okay to cry. Jus’ cry.”

Lydia never does though, but she doesn’t let go either.

Towards the end of the infusion she drifts off to sleep, having been utterly worn out by the episode. He doesn’t move or put her down, in his arms she’s safe. In his arms he can protect her.

Please, he begs silently Please let her be okay.

#twd fanfic #Caryl fanfic #the walking dead fanfic #the walking dead #daryl dixon #lydia twd #henry twd #ezekiel twd #king ezekiel #carol peletier #maggie greene #maggie rhee #fic; swim

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mirkwoodshewolf · 5 years

Text

Lost one sibling, gained four more; Queen x teen reader pt.1

*Author's note*

Can this be true? Two updates in one day?! Well you better damn BELIEVE IT MY PEOPLE!!! I just got this request FINALLY done after working non-stop when I could and finally I had time to just sit down and finish it. So I'd love to thank the requestor for being SOOO patient. And yes this request is VERY long so this is just Part one, pt.2 will be posted immediately after this so just hang tight my darlings :)

So warnings include: INSANE FLUFF, cancerous sickness (leukemia), some angst (but not in the part but buckle up for pt.2), and the lovely and nasty Queenies :) Hope you all enjoy this fic as much as you've enjoyed the last one :)

Taglist:

@psychosupernatural

@plethora-of-things

@ixchel-9275

@waddles03

@geek-and-proud

@platawnic

@queendeakyy

@coolcxt

______________________________________________________________

*Tokyo, Japan 1974*

Being here in Tokyo, Japan has been such a thrill. Even though the boys weren't overly popular like the Beatles or Elton John just yet back home in England, at least here in Japan they've greeted them like royalty. There were screaming fans everywhere to greet us at the airport holding up pictures, drawings and signs welcoming the guys to their home country.

The boys had a press conference earlier today and now we were in a special garden just behind the Tokyo tower for the tea ceremony. It was such a beautiful day for such a ceremony and the cherry blossoms were in full bloom.

As I looked at the boys I could tell they were extremely happy to be here. I looked down at my art book and went back to sketching the boys who were all sitting along the blanket holding their Japanese teacups. Making sure to get each detail of each of their features, and the last detail like the wind blowing their hair down just right.

Oh I should introduce myself; my names (y/n) (l/n). I had gotten a job being an assistant to the band's lawyer Jim Beach just before Queen began recording their 3rd album "Sheer Heart attack". Since joining the boys over a year ago when I was just 16 years old, they have become like a second family to me.

And it's exactly what I needed because—well I've been dealing with some hardships in my family as of late for the past few years now, so being with the guys has really helped brighten my day.

As I watched the boys play with their gifts given to them by the Japanese fans and giving them a recorded message, curtesy of the Japanese press that had joined us along with the ladies who help run the tea ceremonies for only the elite politicians of Japan.

God were they ever silly, Roger photobombing behind in almost every message, Deacy being a secret cheeky guy, Freddie interrupting Roger's greeting, and Brian stepping in when he felt like it during Fred's message. I continued my outline of the boys on the blanket with the Tokyo tower in the background, when I felt something touch behind my ear.

"A blossom for our blossom." I softly grinned and turned around to see Freddie and Deacy standing behind me. I lifted my hand to see just what he had done but he told me, "No, no darling don't touch it. Deacy darling, take a picture of us two."

I blushed and tried to bury my face into my hands.

"Oh no, no, no, no, no love not this time. You've been avoiding all pictures ever since we got here. I deserve at least one with you in it for myself." Deacy said as Freddie pulled me close onto his lap and leaned his head against mine.

"You guys are nuts, you know that?"

"But you love us dear." Freddie said as he gave my temple a quick peck.

"Yeah, guess I do."

"Alright you two look this way." Deacy said as he prepped his camera. We turned to face Deacy and I wrapped my arms around Fred's neck and his arms went around my waist as we leaned our heads against each other's. Deacy got in a few pictures and he said. "Beautiful."

"Tell me we can see the blossom in her hair Deacy."

"Yep, got a clear picture of that." I gently removed the twig from my hair to see a multiple line of cheery blossoms. I smiled and that's when Fred grabbed my art book.

"Working on some new sketches darling?"

"Yeah, Japan's definitely given me some beautiful inspiration. But most of it is still a work in process, so no lookies."

"Aww c'mon dear let me have a sneak peek, please? From one designer to another?"

"No not even if you were my professor Freddie."

"Oh you better hand over the sketch book (Y/n) darling, if you know it's good for you." He playfully threatened. I gripped my book tightly to my chest and that's when he said. "Fine, you leave me no choice. Roger!"

"Shit no!" I took off running and before I even knew it, Roger quickly swooped in and swung me around and he said.

"Might as well give up lovie, you know it's useless to get out of my grasp." He emphasized his point by nuzzling my head like a cat and peppering my face with slobbery kisses.

"Eww Rog! Cut it out!!" I tried to escape his grip but as always it was pointless to escape the arms of Roger Taylor. He kept peppering kisses all over my face, even poking me in the sides slightly tickling me till the grip on my notebook was just enough for it to fall.

Deacy caught it and handed it to Fred.

"Thank you my darlings."

"Deacy, Rog, you both are on the official hate list. I no longer like you two." I huffed.

"Aww, that hurts poppet, that really hurts." Deacy mocked using the puppy dog eyes on me that he knew I couldn't resist.

"After all we've been through (n/n) you'd just dump me like that?" Roger faked cried.

"You are such a drama queen Rog." He grinned and playfully ruffled my hair and that's when Freddie said.

"Ohh (y/n) darling. These are—there's not even a word that can describe what I'm looking at. The realism is uncanny down to the last detail. You even got Brian's hair right and not even I can do that."

"I'll admit, even though I'm no artist that these pictures look like a photograph being developed. You're truly talented (y/n)." Deacy praised me as he looked over Fred's shoulder. Brian soon came up and he said.

"I must admit Fred's right. Every hair detail for all of us is down to the straight detail. Do you—think I could get a signed copy of this?"

"Not if I take one first Brian." Roger spoke up.

"I swear darling, you should go to the university I went to; Ealing Art college. They'd be soo lucky to have you."

"Well.....I mean they're okay but I don't think they're worthy of that university." I muttered.

"Don't be so modest darling, I'll even give you a recommendation. As an alumni I can have the rights to help you get in." he decreed.

"Well I'll—I'll think about it Freddie. Right now I just want to get through secondary school and graduate from that." After that conversation, the five of us continued to have a fun time in the Japanese garden.

After the tour in Japan, I arrived back in London and as the guys were piling in the cab Roger said.

"C'mon love let's go."

"Actually I promised my mum that I'd wait here for her. She said she was gonna take me home."

"You sure?" asked Brian.

"Yeah, she might be waiting outside right now. You guys go on ahead I'll see you guys next week."

"Alright, thanks for coming with us love."

"Thank you guys for inviting me. I had a wonderful time."

"You always make our tours and trips more memorable (y/n) dear. Drive safe." He came up and kissed my cheeks and hugged me. I hugged each of my boys and they piled into the cab waving goodbye to me. I blew them a kiss goodbye and they took off in the cab.

About five minutes after they left, my mom's van pulled up. I smiled at her and picked up my luggage and headed towards the car. I placed them in the backseat and I hugged my mum.

"Did you have fun love?"

"Ohh Japan was so beautiful, I wish you and Kay could've been there to see it."

"I'm sure your sister would've loved to have gone with you."

"How—how has she been?"

"Well we—had a bit of a scare just the other week, but she's stable now."

"What? What happened to her?! Why didn't you call me?"

"I tried but each time I did no one was answering. Plus with the time difference and this internship I didn't want you distracted."

"Mum, if something happens to Kaylee, I deserve to know." She cupped the side of my face and said.

"You're right I'm sorry. Do you wish to see her?" I nodded and said.

"I still gotta give her that gift I promised her." My mum shifted the car into drive and drove us out of the airport to London hospital.

Once we arrived at the hospital, my mum checked us in and we headed towards my sister's room on the 5th floor. Now you remember me mentioning about the family turmoil right? Well it all has to do with my bestest friend in the whole wide world, my older sister Kaylee. See about 4 or 5 years ago we noticed how she'd always get high fevers and suddenly seemed to be losing weight.

At first I thought she was going anorexic but when she passed out and my mum and I saw the bruises forming on her arms, we immediately rushed her over here to the hospital where they diagnosed her with acute myeloid leukemia.

It devastated the whole family and it really began to take a toll on my mum and now we're hardly able to afford my sister's medical bills to pay for all the chemo she has to go through. That's why I got the job with Jim in the first place.

Any checks I get from him, go straight to my sister. Not my college fund. In fact I'm not even going to college, cause I want to continue to fund for my sister's health, and finally get her the cure she deserves.

When we got to her room, there she was lying on her bed, beanie on top of her head to cover her bald head. She turned over to me and smiled tiredly.

"Hey (y/n)." I smiled and rushed over to her and hugged her without hurting her. "How was Japan?"

"It was beautiful. Maybe once you're out and better we can take a trip there."

"I hope so."

"Oh hey, I got you what you've been asking for." I went into my bag and pulled out a poster of the Queen 2 poster that had all the guys' signatures on them. I had asked them while we were in Japan if they could sign this for me. Easily able to trick them, I told them to write it for Kay, telling them that it was a nickname of sorts.

"Oh my god." She squealed softly as she took the poster in her hands and looked at it. See she's the reason why I got into Queen. Since she's two years older than me, she first heard about the first Queen album and kept playing it on repeat.

Liking the music I was hearing, she gave me a brief education on Queen and ever since then, we've been fangirls of Queen ever since. They're music has really helped my sister a lot especially since her leukemia has seemed to be getting progressively worse in the past year.

"Thank you (y/n). You are so lucky that you get to work with them."

"Well it's mostly just doing stuff for their lawyer. I don't actually help make the songs."

"Still, you're living every girl's dream right now at the chance of even being close to them. Are they nice?"

"Oh Kay, nice doesn't even begin to describe them. They're so sweet and down to earth. Cheeky at times especially Roger and Freddie, but they are all so supportive and treat me like I'm a part of their little family."

"I'm glad they're treating you right." I then showed her some of the pictures that I had drew while I was there and some of the photos I took. "God (y/n). I envy you for your drawings. And the fact that you were in Japan. You know I always wanted to go there."

"Well—maybe when you get out, we can take a trip there." Unaware of my mum's solemn attitude, my sister smiled and said.

"Yeah. Maybe we can make it just the two of us squirt." She playfully shoved my head, our friendly little gesture of affection since we were kids.

"Hey I'm 2 years younger than you."

"Still a squirt compared to me." She teased.

After about a week of being back home, I went between my final few weeks of home schooling, the studio and the hospital. Right now I was sitting with my sister, the two of us having the boys' "Sheer Heart attack" album playing in the background as my sister and I were chatting away.

"Okay so FMK; Paul McCartney, David Bowie or Elton John." I asked my sister.

"Oh Goddamnit (n/n) why make me choose those three. I love all of them!" she whined.

"Cause I'm evil like that. No c'mon you made me have to kill Brian the last time so this is payback."

"Okay, okay. So.....ugh I hate you. Okay I would marry Elton, fuck Paul and I'm sorry David. God I hate you so much!"

"Haha!"

"Well don't let David hear you say that darling." Oh god it—it can't be. We suddenly looked up and there stood Brian, Freddie, Deacy and Roger.

"Oh my god what are—what are you guys doing here?"

"You left your journal at the studio last night. We called your mum to see if we could give it to you at the house but she told us you were at the hospital." Answered Deacy as he held up my art journal.

"At first we got worried that something bad had happened to you, but then she explained to us what was going on." Continued Roger.

"So you must be the real Kay." Freddie pointed towards my sister.

"Guys I'm—I'm sorry I tricked you, I just....."

"It's alright love. There's no need to explain. It's sweet you got something for your sister after all you've done for her. But we figured maybe a visit from the real band might make her day a bit better." Brian said with a soft smile.

"I—I....." Kaylee started as the boys all came in and sat around us.

"So Kaylee darling, which of our three albums is your favorite?" asked Freddie.

"Uhh well I—it's hard to pick but I guess your recent album Sheer Heart attack is probably my favorite."

"Do you have a favorite song from the album?" asked Brian.

"Oh god uhh—can't I say I love them all? It's so hard to pick a favorite song of yours."

"That's understandable." Replied Deacy.

For the rest of the time, my sister got to ask the guys so many questions about how their musical processes, how they choose which lyrics work the best, how the arrangement works when performing, how they all got together, everything she had been dying to know since she was a music nut.

And bless the boys they answered all her questions no matter how ridiculous or embarrassing they were. Soon a nurse came in to tell me that visiting hours were over.

I hugged my sister goodbye and even the guys gave her a hug and kiss goodbye, which made her heart meter skyrocket, especially when she got a kiss to the cheek from Deacy.

I walked out with the guys and we all piled into the car and I said to them.

"Thanks you guys."

"For what lovie?" asked Roger.

"For—being nice to my sister. You four.....have made her happier than my mum and I have seen her in years since she's had to go back and forth between home and the hospital."

"You're family to us (n/n). And if we could give a little bit more back to you, it's always worth it. We're honored that you let us in on this personal matter of your life. Thank you for letting us have your trust." Said Brian.

"Just—promise me that none of this gets leaked out."

"Don't be ridiculous dear. We wouldn't dare proclaim this secret of yours out to the public. Your sister's secret heath crisis is safe with us." Freddie said as he stroked down my hair. I smiled and thanked them once more.

One year later in 1975 I was with the boys, Mr. Reid, Paul Prenter and my boss Jim Beach. We were currently in Ray Foster's office waiting for Freddie to arrive for the meeting of the next hit album. I leaned my chin against my palm as I drummed against the armrest of the chair I was sitting in.

Finally Freddie walked in greeting us with a hello.

"You're late." Said Mr. Foster.

"Am I?" questioned Freddie.

"Saved you a seat." Paul said as he gestured at the chair I was sitting at. He then glared down at me ordering me to move. I sat up but then just before I could walk away to stand beside my boss, I was pulled onto the couch and saw that it was Roger who had pulled me in to sit on his lap. He winked at me and placed a quick peck on my forehead as Mr. Reid introduced my boss to Ray Foster.

"You must stop calling him that." Freddie said as he lit himself a cigarette.

"That's his name." said Mr. Reid.

"No we cannot keep calling him Jim Beach. No that's absurd not to mention unspeakably boring." He breathed in a quick drag before proclaiming. "Miami. From now on; I dub thee, Miami Beach." My boss chuckled then said a quick little teasing joke of Miami Beach.

Truthfully I liked it, hopefully I can have the honor of calling him that one day but for now I'll just settle on Mr. Beach as I have been referring him as.

"Right now that everyone's got an acceptable name let's get to it. Look; we just really need something special. More hits, like "Killer Queen", only bigger."

"It's not bloody widgets we're making. We can't just reproduce Killer Queen." Said Roger as Freddie sat up and walked towards Ray's record player taking out a record from his bag.

"No. We can do better." Said Freddie as he placed the record on the vinyl and turned it on. He lifted the needle and placed it at a specific point and soon coming out of the speakers was the famed song from Carmen. I grinned and as Freddie gracefully walked around moving his finger around to the tun, Mr. Foster bluntly stated.

"It's opera."

"Opera!" exclaimed Mr. Reid.

"Opera." Echoed Paul.

"Ahh there seems to be an echo in here." Deacy stated which made me choke out a laugh. As the song continued, when it got to the big crescendo part of the song, Freddie went all out waving his arm in tune before on the final note, slamming his hand down on Foster's desk. He almost couldn't contain his excitement as I chuckled softly.

Brian, Rog and Deacy were also in tune to the idea as they with less enthusiasm as Freddie but the same interest followed the next crescendo of the choir. Freddie turned the volume down as Brian said.

"See we don't want to repeat ourselves. The same formula over and over."

"Formulas are a complete and utter waste of time." Freddie stated bluntly.

"Formulas work. Let's stick with the formulas. I like formulas." Mr. Foster said.

"We'll call the album......A Night at the Opera." Hmm after a Marx brother's film. Sounds interesting.

"Are you aware that no one actually likes Opera."

"I like it." I said to myself, but I guess it was loud enough because Mr. Foster looked right at me through his shades and asked skeptically.

"Do you?"

"I do as well." I heard my boss say. I looked at him and he gave me a slight nod. God he was such a cool boss.

"No don't misunderstand darling, it's a rock and roll record. With the scale of opera. The pathos of Greek tragedy, the wit of Shakespeare, the—unbridled joy of musical theatre. It's a musical experience. Rather than just another record, something for everyone something—something that will make people feel belongs to them. We'll mix genres, we'll cross boundaries, we'll—we'll—we'll speak in bloody tongues if we want to."

"There-there's no musical ghetto that can contain us." Proclaimed Roger.

"That's it." Freddie pointed towards Roger.

"No one knows what Queen means because it doesn't mean one thing." Deacy pointed out.

All was quiet, man I have a feeling that this album was gonna be the one that would put Queen on the map of the entire world, that after this they were gonna change the name of music forever.

"What do you think John?" Foster asked Mr. Reid.

"I—agree with the band."

"Of course you do." He then turned towards me and asked, "How about you uhh—" I was shocked that he wanted my opinion. I looked to the guys and they gave me an encouraging nod.

"(Y/n). Well—fortune favors the bold, does it not?" I felt Roger pat my shoulder. Freddie then leaned against Foster's desk as he said.

"Surely a man of your—unique taste. Isn't afraid of a little risk?" Foster debated before finally saying.

"Please don't make me regret this."

"You're fun." Freddie pointed out with a grin.

After the meeting, Jim called me into his office and I said as I peeked into it.

"You wished to see me sir?"

"Yes c'mon in (y/n). Have a seat." I took a seat in front of his desk. "Alright (y/n), now it's come to my attention that since you and the boys have gotten so close with each other since you started working here, I feel it's best that since I can't go with them to Rockfield due to my legal matters here as their lawyer, that I'm electing you to go with them to keep an eye on them."

I was flabbergasted. Me? Go with them to Rockfield studios?

"M—Mr. Beach....."

"Miami." Wow he did he really just ask me to call him that. "Freddie's insisted that you refer to me as that from now on." Ahh that Freddie Mercury.

"Miami. I mean it's an honor but I—I don't think I can go away for that long. I mean....."

"Please (y/n). You know as well as I do that Paul has no good intentions when it comes to Queen." That I do. Ever since working with the boys, I've had a sickening feeling about Paul Prenter. There was just something about him that felt—slimy, ill, almost like a virus.

"Yeah."

"There's no other person I would trust more to go with the boys to the farm. Plus they all believe that you should go with them anyway so it's out of my hands either way."

"I'll think about it."

"Just make sure you tell them in two days' time when they leave for the recording." I nodded and stood up. "Oh wait, one more thing. Your paycheck." He then took out his checkbook and wrote down my pay for the 2 weeks. I thanked him but when I looked down, my eyes widened.

"Wait uhh—Miami. This....this is double the normal amount you pay me."

"I know."

"I agreed to be paid 500 pounds."

"It's come to my attention there's some financial struggle you're going through. The boys wouldn't explain it in full detail but they made me aware that you were in dire need of it. Plus I know they can be a lot to handle, so you deserve 1000 anyway." I looked down but couldn't help the small smile across my face.

"Thank you—Miami." He smiled and nodded at me and I left his office with my raised paycheck. As I walked across the hall, I saw the boys go from the snooping position to trying to act nonchalantly, like they weren't spying on me. "I know you four had something to do with this." I said raising my check.

"We have no idea what you're talking about (n/n)." said Brian as he looked over his six-pence coin that served as his guitar pick.

"So you're coming with us right?" asked Freddie.

"I—I'll get back to you on that. I—I need to talk to Kay about it."

"I'm sure she'll let you come with us. C'mon love just say you'll be coming with us." Roger said as he came up and wrapped his arms around me.

"Besides you'll be much better company than Prenter. I'll go mad if I have to see him every day while we're there." Said Deacy.

"Exactly Deacy!" agreed Roger.

So that night after work, I was in Kaylee's room and I told her about what I was going to do for the summer and she was psyched for me.

"I say you go!" she proclaimed.

"But what about you?" I asked. She reached over and took my hand and she said.

"You've been doing too much for me. You've always put me over yourself. And this is your last chance to be a free kid before you start thinking about college. So please for my sake go with them. If not I'll never let you live it down. Ever."

"Okay, okay. I'll give Fred a call tomorrow and tell him."

"Call him tonight."

"Fine. And you're sure you'll be fine."

"Yes. I've got mum to look after me. And I expect new drawings, pictures and lots of stories from you when you get back."

"I promise Kay, thanks girl." She smiled as I leaned forward and we hugged each other.

In two days, the guys picked me up right at 4am on the dot so that way we'd get there by sunrise to the farm. Deacy put my bags in the trunk while I hugged and kissed my mum and sis goodbye.

"Now be sure to be good for these boys (y/n)."

"I will mum. Promise me to keep me updated on everything?"

"You know me, I'll be calling you every night." I smiled and separated from my mum before finally standing before my sister.

"Don't do anything insane till I get back." I told her. She smiled and scoffed playfully.

"How can I? You're taking all the insanity with you." I grinned back at her and the two of us embraced each other. "Have fun tigress."

"Be strong lioness."

"Oh come on let's get a move on! Anymore wasted time here and we'll be late!" I heard Paul cry out.

"Piss off Prenter! Let her say goodbye to her family." Brian sneered.

"Go on, don't want you to get into trouble." Kay said as we separated. I waved bye to them one last time and I got into the car with Rog and Deacy and soon we drove off.

"Since it'll be a long drive and it's still pretty early, why don't you try and go back to sleep (y/n)?" suggested Deacy. I nodded and leaned my head back against the car, but Deacy offered his shoulder for me to sleep on. I took his offer and in his playful jealous tone, Roger spoke up.

"What about me?"

"You fidget around too much on long car rides." I moaned tiredly.

"Why you little—"

"Face it Rog, she loves me more than you do when it comes to sleeping buddies. Isn't that right love?"

"Yeah." I heard Rog huff but then he said.

"Well at least I provide the best blankets." He emphasized that point by draping his fur coat over my shoulders as a blanket.

"Won't deny that though. You both take such good care of me."

"Only the best for you love." I nuzzled into Deacy's shoulder and exhaled tiredly through my nose and began to fall back asleep.

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angelofarts · 4 years

Text

Of Crochet and Comas Part Two

Me visiting the hospital on a Sunday was practically unheard of – I had last minute assignments and chores and a dozen other excuses I’d used over the years. And yet I must have been losing my mind, because here I was, sitting in the hospital, anxiously crocheting at my brother’s side. I was listening for the slick sound of leather brogues, and wasn’t focusing on the hat taking shape under my fingers, so when I finally heard the clicking of high heels, I fell backwards in disappointment.

“Well, well, if it isn’t His Superior Craftiness the High Lord of Crochet,” a sarcastic voice intoned from the door. I almost gave myself whiplash as I swung my head around, and immediately wished I hadn’t.

Not only was Tesha there, so were Richard, Lisa, and a girl who looked so much like Lisa that she had to be a close relative. I felt blood seep from my neck into my face, making a blotchy flush that I hadn’t experienced in years, as I realized that Tesha must have complained to her friends about how I had spoken to her.

The younger girl crossed her arms. “So you’re the one who was mean to Tesha.”

“His name is Aaron, Julia,” Richard muttered. It was gratifying to see that at least he seemed as uncomfortable as I was, stuck in his wheelchair and thus forced to watch, since the girls were blocking the door.

“It doesn’t matter what his name is,” Lisa declared loftily, leaning against the door. “He was mean to Tesha, so we want him to apologize.”

“I’m right here,” I pointed out. “You shouldn’t talk about people in front of them.”

“You shouldn’t insult people’s hobbies and handmade gifts either, yet you did both,” Lisa countered.

I groaned quietly. “Just leave. You’re going to upset my brother.”

Tesha shook her head at Richard when Julia snorted out, “Your brother isn’t going to get upset, he’s asleep.”

I gestured for them to enter, which they did warily, as though scared I would use my big bad crochet hook to bite them. I pointed at one of the monitors.

“Look, you see that spiking? That measures brain activity. Kenzo is very much awake, so if you could please stop dressing me down in front of him, I’d appreciate it.”

Tesha smiled and took Kenzo’s hand, squeezing it softly. “Hi, Kenzo. It’s nice to think that you’ve heard me every time I come in here. Sorry that your main source of conversation is your self-entitled brother who can’t understand the value of a craft he doesn’t perform.”

I groaned again. “It was a misunderstanding! I didn’t know you knitted it yourself!”

While Julia and Lisa laughed together at my exasperation, I leaned over to reach my backpack.

“And actually I did come with an apology, I just didn’t think I’d be delivering it in front of anyone else. Here.”

I passed her a light blue lacy hat. Made in subtle heathering yarn, it had a pattern that seemed like it would suit her nineteenth century aesthetic, and surprisingly it matched the legwarmers that slouched over her calves and high heels where her knee length dark green skirt stopped.

“Oh it’s lovely,” she breathed, pulling it on. Richard reached up and pulled on the back of it, allowing the slouch to form, and suddenly Tesha looked less like a girl from the 1950’s and more like a girl from this century. As she moved into the sun to thank me, I was struck by the silver of her grey eyes – that couldn’t be a natural colour, could it?

“Where are our hats?” Richard demanded, ruining the moment. It was a good thing he did, before I blurted out something to embarrass myself.

I raised an eyebrow. “Were you not just telling me how Tesha’s stuff is better?”

“No,” Julia said as she folded herself onto the floor. “We said Tesha is nicer so we like her better. She actually talks to us.”

Lisa looked a little embarrassed at the way her - sister? Cousin? Random acquaintance that shares enough in the genetic pool that she looks like her and thus has claimed a strange form of family? – was talking to me, but she didn’t correct the statement.

“Is that what you think of me?” I demanded hotly.

Richard shrugged, making the blanket around his shoulders slip again. “Well, yeah? You only ever talk to Bert and Lizzie, and that’s if you talk to anyone before you rush in here.”

Tesha absentmindedly pulled the blanket back up to cover Richard’s bony shoulder as she addressed me. “I didn’t even know you existed until yesterday, and I’ve been volunteering for a year.”

“I tried to say hi to you once in the parking lot,” Julia piped up. We all stared at her, until she grumbled, “Okay, fine, but still.”

“Anyways,” Lisa said, resuming unofficial leader of the team, “what we’re trying to say is that you can’t say we don’t try to be nice to you.”

I shrugged. “I don’t have time. I have to see Kenzo.”

“Yes, because your brother is such a good conversationalist,” she replied drily. “If he was awake, can you honestly tell me he’d want you here instead of with people your own age?”

“He is awake,” I reminded her. “He can hear everything you’re saying. And yeah, Kenzo was never big on telling me what to do, so he’d let me stay here if I wanted to.” Lie. Big fat lie. In the way of older siblings everywhere throughout all of time, Kenzo adored telling me exactly what to do and how to do it, confident that a year gave him some kind of mystical ability to boss me around.

Julia stretched out on the floor, letting her blonde hair fan out. “It doesn’t seem like you talk to him much anyways, since when we came in you were quiet.”

“Aren’t you worried about dirt?” I inquired, distracted by the light hitting her hair. It was almost light enough that I could imagine it to be reflective, the kind of white blonde you only ever see on people of Scandinavian descent.

Lisa scoffed loudly. “It’s a hospital. This is probably the cleanest floor in the whole of the village, she’s fine.”

“I dunno,” Tesha said, sounding like she was reluctant to agree with me. “You never know what someone may have trekked in from outside.”

She and Lisa began to debate back and forth, until Richard interrupted with a loud cough that started fake and quickly turned real, hacking and deep.

“You okay Rick?” Julia asked, real concern clouding her features. He held up a dark hand, warning her from coming closer.

“Fine,” he said after clearing his throat three times. “Tesha, could you help me get back to my room?”

I was surprised at the request. From what little I knew of Richard, he hated to seem reliant on anyone, often rejecting the assistance of his nurses and operating the wheel chair himself on pure determination.

“Of course,” Tesha murmured, grasping the handles. “Lisa, Jules, don’t go anywhere.” They left the room in a blur of dark green skirts.

Lisa exchanged a worried look with her… relative. I was almost positive they had to be relatives of some kind. You don’t get eyes that pale a blue on two people by chance.

“Tesha will take care of him,” Julia reassured her. “And you know he doesn’t mind it. She doesn’t baby him.”

Aha. That answered one question at least.

Hesitantly, I sat back down and picked up the project I had been working on before this whole fiasco started. A bright red beanie, using a puffy popcorn stitch, and with a button band on the side for decorative purposes. The feel of the yarn gliding through my fingers soothed me, and I was surprised to find that I felt real concern for the boy I’d known in passing for a year. Knowing he was sick, and understanding the reality of that, appeared to be two different things.

“What’s that?” Lisa asked, clearly trying to distract herself. “What you’re making, I mean.”

“Another hat. My mom struggles with winter, so it’s an easy way to make sure she doesn’t get sick.”

Julia plopped down next to me and examined the portion I’d finished. “You know, I bet Odette would love this,” she mused. “She’s always in red.”

“Odette?”

“One of the cancer kids,” Lisa explained. “She comes in twice a week for chemo and treatment. She used to have this gorgeous mane of hair, like a mermaid, and it was about hip length, but she lost it about three months ago. Shook her, hard.”

“Odette?” Tesha asked, entering the room again. She took disinfectant out of her skirt pocket and wiped her hands carefully. Lisa nodded.

“Well, it was very nice shaking you down, Mr. Aaron,” Julia said as she rose, “but unlike my sister, I have school tomorrow and have homework to catch up on. Nice insulting you though!”

My confused, “you too?” was lost as she left the room in a rush, and Lisa, after waving at me, went after her, thereby confirming – sisters.

Tesha looked at the slim silver watch on her wrist and sighed. “I have to go too. I have homework due for two classes first thing tomorrow, and I should help Julia study for maths, otherwise Lisa and her roommate will end up killing her.”

I rose, unsure of what exactly I was planning to do, until I held my hand out awkwardly.

“Nice seeing you again?” I offered.

“Nice not being insulted,” she returned, laughing lightly as she slipped her hand into mine. “Let’s try this again next week, yeah?”

I stood staring at the door stupidly long after she left, my murmured “yeah” ringing in my ears softly.

I opened up my laptop, staring at the draft of my essay. Slowly, I pressed the backspace key and erased the words I’d typed last night. When a blank page stared at me, I took a deep breath and, for the third time, attempted to define myself.

Today, I spoke to a knitter, a sister, and two fighters….

#writing #spilled ink #writing about crafts #of crochet and comas #pandemic writing #its kind of bad #i havent written in ages #please dont judge #its just for fun

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theoverflowinggrace · 4 years

Text

Christian Testimony: Saved by Grace

My Testimony

God has been asking me to share my story but only today, May 24, 2020 the Holy Spirit led me to write it now after watching a preaching entitled “Grace is…” of the lead Pastor of Transformation Church, Michael Todd. I kept this secret to myself for so many years. I’d been so afraid to be judged. It would always scare me whenever I would attempt that the people I know might get away from me. But today, I don’t just want to keep that love God has been showing me, I wanted to share it. There also might be people who are going through something and needs encouragement in their lives right now and I don’t want to miss the chance.

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I came from a very poor family. I had the worst father I’d thought. He was a gambler, a womanizer, a very irresponsible father to his four children. My father and my mother separated when I was five years old. At a very young age, I understood and felt very unhappy and deficient. My mother was the one who took the responsibilities for all of their children. She had a relationship with another man. She did everything she could to provide for our family. Growing up, all I wanted was to get our family back together. My family was all my life. They are my everything.

When I was in second year high school, my sister invited me to a Christian church she was attending to that time and there I felt Jesus but still didn’t understand what life really means. We stopped going to church as my sister and I had to move to Manila from Antipolo to get free education in public universities. From there, I lived with my father and with his girlfriend. Going to college for my sister and I was so difficult. There were days that we would not have allowance to go to school. There were days that we would not have food on our table. My sister and I even experienced to work as a saleslady in Divisoria mall thinking that we could save money for ourselves. I also remember that my sister and I even experienced selling coffee in a dangerous place in Custom where you needed to play hide and seek with the guards because they don’t allow vendors in there. We would offer coffee to those drivers who were driving their big trucks with big containers and when their queue would move you need to chase them for their payment. It was very dangerous.

My friends in college were just normal people who also need free education from the government to go to college. One day, when my friends and I were strolling in the mall. There was this old man who suddenly approached me. At first, I thought he was a gay (I think it was just his style to cover up his real intention) who would want me to be one of his talents. He showed me his phone and asked if he could get my number. My initial reaction was I got scared. I knew that he liked me. I didn’t give my number and left him. Shortly, when we were walking away from him, we didn’t know that he was following us. He was persistent to pursue me that day so while walking he was talking and introducing himself to us. He even showed his ID’s to us. He said that he is a lawyer, a professor, studied in Ateneo and even in UP and just wanted to eat with us. My friends and I were just crazy and said yes (we were trying to convince ourselves that it is just a treat and we could eat in a most expensive restaurant in that area because anyway we were still inside the vicinity of the mall so we don’t need to be scared of) Fast forward, when we were finished ordering and eating all the food we wanted from the restaurant, he asked my number again and I gave a fake one. He tried to call it but it didn’t ring. (Of course I just invented it) and to make the long story short, I ended up giving my number. After that time, I would receive sweet messages from him but I just ignored him until he stopped.

Fast forward, I was in my second semester in my 3rd year of college when my family received news that left us all devastated. My sister had stage 4 colon cancer and the doctor even told that she only had two months to live. We were hopeless that time. We are not rich. Where can we get the money to provide for her chemotherapies? Why did God let this happen to my sister? How could we still have the second chance for my family to get back together if my sister would die? Those were some of the questions I had in my mind.

Fast forward, one normal day after school, when I just finished my field study and decided to eat in a fast food restaurant, I once encountered again this old man who I’ve met few months ago. He called my number after we’ve seen each other again but again, I just ignored him.

Our family has history of cancer. Three of my very close relatives died because of it. My sister who just had two chemo sessions decided to stop and told his husband to just save the money for her daughter’s future instead of wasting the money if she would still die in the end. When I knew about it, I was in great pain but this old man came across my mind. I thought he could help me with the big amount of money my sister needed for the remaining Chemo sessions. I became so desperate. But I was wrong; he told me so many lies. He was a big liar. I never thought of getting married or having kids before graduating to college. I was so careful (I thought I was) He told me that he could not make a woman pregnant because his doctor said so because of all the medications and everything he had when he was having multiple surgeries in his body (Before I met him I didn’t know that he had undergone multiple surgeries in his face hoping that he could still look young again; Indeed, he is a crazy man) He made me believed that everything he said were all true. I didn’t even know that he’s a married man. (He is really crazy) Things have fallen apart when I got pregnant. I couldn’t accept it. I hated it. I despised it so I destroyed it. I aborted it.

Fast forward, I graduated to college, got a decent job, passed the board exam for teachers, had a serious relationship, and my sister died after battling for three months with her disease.

Life became lifeless, pointless, and meaningless. It was so dark and I’d gone through depression. Every day, I wish I had died instead. I told myself that I would never be happy again. I told myself that I can’t be happy again. I don’t deserve and I won’t and I should not. I must not.

I stopped socializing. I stopped doing the things that could make me happy. I was punishing myself but never had I attempted to commit suicide because I knew that it would only help me to get a VIP ticket in my residence to hell.

I carried this guilt for more than six years until I met my Christ again. He showed me his mercy, poured me with his grace and wrapped me with His great love. I was a great sinner but His love is greater. It was when I didn’t know what to do anymore. Every day was unbearable. It was when I came across these Christian preaching videos from CCF. God spoke to me in so many ways. I felt in love with Him. And finally I have forgiven myself. At this moment, I could say that I am not just happy but I am joyful. It says on Ephesians 2:8 “For by Grace you have been saved through Faith and He is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God.”

I used to always question God. I was mad to Him. I kept asking him why he allowed me to get involved with this kind of man. There were a lot of women in that mall that he could approach instead of me? Why did we still have our next encounter after our first? Why did God allow me to be used by this man? Why my sister had to suffer from cancer? And why can’t my family just be happy? And God answered me in John 9:2 when His disciples asked him “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents that he was born blind? And Jesus answered “Neither this man nor his parents sinned. But this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him”. I believed that God allowed all of these things to happen without any reasons. I believed that there’s no accident with God. All things happened for His glory. I still may not be the person God wanted me to be but I am grateful to Him that I am not the same person I used to be. I still fall short of glory every day but His grace is amazing. It is sufficient. People do not deserve this grace but God has given it to us. He has already paid in full when He died on the cross for us. We don’t need to earn it or work for it but we just only need to enjoy it. God has finished his work. If anyone of you who’s been struggling or condemning yourself from the sins you have committed, God is telling you right at this moment that He has already forgiven you so forgive yourself now. God would allow even the most painful thing that could ever happen to your life so you would be blessed by Him and use you for His glory. If anyone of you who are probably mad, keep on questioning God or going through some difficulties in life. Keep in your mind that you are never alone in your battle. You may not understand now but in the future, you will understand that God is really working. He is alive. You just have to give it all out to God and surely, he will direct you to what he has in stored for you.

All of my earthly desires, I surrendered all to Him. To have plenty or nothing, His grace is sufficient. He had already done great things 2000 years ago. I will never cease worshiping and praising him for the rest of my life.

Recently, I just ended my four-year relationship. It took me two years to finally surrender him to Jesus. It didn’t honor God. It wasn’t a Christ-centered relationship. To let go of him was really painful. I thought he was the one I would be marrying. I have planned it already but I know God has better plans. It was excruciating. But God has helped me go through with this hardship. I believe that with God everything is possible. It says in Philippians 4:13 “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”

Now, I am a living testimony of how unconditional, incomparable and indescribable His love for us. I am great sinner, saved by His grace through faith and now a committed follower of Jesus Christ. All praises, glory and honor to God. God bless you all!

#christian testimony #savedbygrace

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child-of-sunshine · 4 years

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Just gotta rant for a minute so this is going under a cut

I can’t stand the way tumblr in general talks about “rich people” (which they can’t define to save their fucking lives) and particularly when they mention “millionaires” as though it actually means something significant in terms of wealth.

First, no one seems to understand that by today’s inflated standards, a million dollars really isn’t that much. A quick google search will tell me that the average “middle-income” parent in America will spend over 250k to raise a child from birth to 18 years old. If a couple has 4 kids, they’re already spending over a million dollars on those kids. Yes, that’s over 18 years, but it’s still meaningful.

If a person makes 100k, which is supposedly the 85th percentile of income, it only takes them 10 years to make a million dollars. And yes, obviously they’re spending money too, and it’s not like their savings or their net worth are going to be a million in that time, but people don’t even seem to comprehend that their earnings over that time would literally be a million. Someone earning the average American income, let’s say 50k because I get conflicting information from various sources, would only take 20 years to earn a million dollars.

And calling “millionaires” (putting that in quotes because people (a) do NOT understand the difference between net worth and actual liquid assets or even income) rich, particularly in the context of the “eat the rich” rhetoric, is ridiculous. I know this site has a serious problem with black-and-white thinking, but for fuck’s sake.

Let’s take a look at my parents.

My dad grew up in a relatively low-income household. His mother’s grandparents came straight from Italy with a few dollars in their pockets and nothing else. Her family struggled to get food on the table at times. She worked very hard as a seamstress and married a man who had a good job at Ford back when that meant actual benefits including into retirement, and so they managed to raise two boys without having to worry too much about being able to afford food or housing. They saved like crazy and spent the minimum that they possibly could on themselves, so that when they reached retirement, they had a pretty decent amount of savings for the rest of their lives and could finally enjoy some luxury vacations and get a small but nice house in Florida.

My mom grew up in a truly low-income household. She was the youngest of five siblings living in a tiny, shitty town in Nowhere, Michigan, with two parents who smoked constantly, in a house that sat next to some kind of horrifying mystery waste pond (she and both of her sisters had cancer, my mom at just 36, and one of her brothers died from some kind of unknown neurological deterioration). Her father got TB and spent time in a sanitarium, after which he became a withdrawn alcoholic and then died relatively young. Her mother became depressed, stopped working, and died of cancer. My mom lost both of her parents in her early 20s, before she even met my father.

Both of my parents were gifted with the great privileges of great brains and being white. Even in their crappy hick town in the middle of nowhere, my mom managed to be in the top of her class (of 56 whole people) in high school and earned a scholarship to a state university, literally the only way she could have afforded to attend. My dad worked to pay for his college as far as I know (because back then you could actually do that). They both got bachelor’s degrees. My dad became an engineer, a good career, and quickly found a job with a relatively new, small local company. He worked extremely hard, long hours for years and moved up to being a manager, and the company has grown a lot over the 25+ years he’s now worked there, with the result that he now makes a low six-figure salary. My mom took a computer programming course after realizing her journalism degree wouldn’t get her much paid work, and has worked as a programmer for 25+ years now, switching jobs sometimes, usually making somewhere in the 60-70k range in the last decade or so.

My mother got pregnant with my sister around the time she and my dad got engaged. She was working a crappy programming job and he’d barely started as an engineer, making nowhere near six figures. They lived in a trailer park, in a trailer with a hole in the floor and steps that were a safety hazard. She’d spent some time living with her sister, who’s 13 years older than her and never had children (thus had a house and some savings). My dad’s mother, the seamstress, made my mom’s wedding dress for free as long as my mom bought the material for it, which was just about all they could afford. They had a nice, small wedding when my sister was about 2 (she was afraid of my mom’s dress lmao) and one of my cousins took the pictures.

Four years after my sister was born, my parents had saved up enough to put a down payment on our house, a moderate-sized family home in a suburban neighborhood that was just being built. The house was a little over 200k. She got pregnant with me and the house was finished just after I was born.

My mom got cancer when I was 2 years old. They haven’t talked to me much about it. Her sister spent a lot of money to buy her a really nice wig made of animal hair (which, unfortunately, she could rarely wear because it made her very itchy). She went through surgery, chemo, and radiation. She spent months sick as hell and miserable, while trying to raise two young daughters. Thankfully, they’d saved enough to be able to handle the medical bills, particularly with my dad’s good job that had good benefits and, by then, was paying him a pretty decent salary. My mom recovered, thankfully (over 20 years in remission now!).

In 2008, when the recession hit, my mom lost her job quickly. She tried finding new ones but couldn’t. No one was hiring programmers, they were getting rid of them. Her depression got a lot worse. I was in high school and depressed myself (in large part because of the situation at home, though my parents don’t know it, that became suicidal depression a while afterward), and they had to start paying for therapy for me. My sister was in college and had to try to pay for it herself because my parents’ college fund for her hadn’t gone as far as they’d hoped. My dad’s company supplies machines to auto manufacturers. They were worried. They laid off some people, thankfully not my dad, and others had to take pay cuts. My parents started sitting down and seriously going over finances. My mom and I had to completely quit figure skating, my only physical stress outlet (like I said, that contributed a LOT to the severe depression). We had to cut down the grocery bills and think about not buying gifts for family members’ birthdays and such. My grandparents, happily retired by then with good savings, paid off the rest of our mortgage and told my dad to pay them back without interest whenever he could, so that no matter what happened with the jobs, we at least wouldn’t have to worry about losing our house. I listened to my parents scream at each other over money and I cried myself to sleep a lot of nights.

Guess what? My dad is a millionaire. Definitely not in liquid assets, but in net worth he probably just barely hits 1 million. He now makes a low six-figure salary and when the economy is doing okay, he invests some of it in the stock market, mostly in low-risk stocks that are guaranteed to have payouts (I don’t know a lot about this, so that’s all I’ll say). He inherited/learned his dad’s extreme money-saving ways and saves as much as possible. He’s an engineer and very handy, so whenever possible he does home and car repairs himself to save a lot of money. I managed to get a scholarship that covered almost all of my undergrad tuition, I lived at home for half of undergrad and all of med school to save money, I worked in retail in undergrad and as an EMT in med school to pay for some of my own stuff, and they didn’t pay for any of my med school tuition, so that’s it for their educational expenses for me. My mom’s had a good, stable job for the last few years that pays in the low 80k range, I think. We live in a house worth ~250k that we now fully own thanks to my grandparents.

A few years ago, my dad’s brother bought a crappy, tiny, nearly-condemned cabin in the woods up north for about 20k (seriously, it was shit). He and my dad put in a few hundred dollars and a TON of time and manual labor to fix it up, and now we pay half the bills on it and both of our families use it for vacations. We have a small (19ft) boat that my dad bought as a gift for my mom when she had cancer--he got it extremely cheap from a guy who’d bought it, barely used it, and just wanted rid of it. It’s a 1994 and full of problems now, but we’ve managed to keep it going (barely, at times) and my dad has taken really good care of it over the years. A friend of my dad’s got him into snowmobiling about a decade ago and once his brother bought the cabin and they fixed it up, my dad got a cheap, crappy used snowmobile, which he used for a few years before reselling it and upgrading to an actually nice, new one, because yeah, he could afford it. He’s upgraded a couple times, good for him. When I actually have the time off, I go up with him in the winter and ride one of his old ones that he kept and fixed after it had an engine problem. It doesn’t cost much to renew the trail permits each year and I borrow my uncle’s gear for riding, so other than the initial cost of the sleds, it really costs us nothing to go riding (gas is extremely negligible in snowmobiles, they can go 120+ miles on a single 8 gallon tank, and we store them ourselves at the cabin so we don’t pay for that). We store the boat in our garage at home (like I said, it’s small) so other than the permit and gas for that when we take it out, again, really no continuous expense.

My parents pay all of their taxes without trying to do any bullshit work-arounds. They don’t have a lawyer or a tax accountant or a financial advisor, my dad does it all himself. He keeps track of all of our finances himself. We don’t pay a landscaping service or a cleaning service or any of that crap, we do it all ourselves like any other middle-class family. My mom donates regularly to charities for cancer, animal rescues, and injured veterans.

But to tumblr, incapable of seeing nuance, we’re “one-percenters (absolutely nowhere near true) who own a house and have a ‘vacation home’ and a boat and recreational vehicles” so we’re pretty much just as bad as Bezos, because anyone who isn’t actively struggling to put food on the table or in horrible medical debt because of our disaster of a system is apparently “rich” and there’s no such thing as shades of gray.

#sorry that was insanely long #no one will read it though so it doesn't matter #that's why I made the read more #just needed to write down thoughts and bitch #I hate the politics on this site #so many good ideas SO badly implemented #the splitting on here is completely fucking ridiculous #and I'm really sick of seeing things that imply me or my family are evil and inherently bad for existing comfortably #and going on occasional vacations #and being able to afford the medical bills when I got a tumor and needed surgery

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lucimorningstar812 · 5 years

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2019: An Honest Review

So I’ve done two of these in the past; 2017 and 2018 split into the good and the bad, so time to carry on that tradition

This is a really long post. I mean really long, so only read if you’re actually interested in my life XD Also this is part 1 of my finalising posts. There will be another later talking about the decade as a whole

First, I’d like to compare to last year. While not a great year, 2019 was significantly better than 2018, at least mentally.

Last year, from around June onward, my nan was going through chemo and then a bone marrow transplant late September/October, but this year, all of her check ups have been positive and rather than every week, she now goes back to the hospital every couple of months

Last year, I was struggling because I didn’t want to get another dog but my parents did anyway, but this year, I am thankful for my baby boy, even if he gets on my nerves sometimes

I mentioned in last years post about having no job, no education and no plans. Well, now I have a volunteer job at the RSPCA looking after the cats, and I have plans next year to at the very least start looking at and applying for jobs

And the final thing, here’s a direct quote from last years post "I made a series of posts on my vent blog essentially begging for death. I just didn’t want to be alive and even now, I’m so sick of the emotions I have" I haven’t felt that low since last year, so my mental health, while still nowhere near where it should be, is significantly better. I’m still sick of my emotions sometimes, but I honestly don’t think I’ve ever fallen back into those suicidal thoughts

Now for what happened:

I genuinely can’t remember what stuff happened this year. It seems like the year has both dragged on for the first half and then /zoomed past for the rest, so there’s probably way more I’m forgetting . Anyway, I’m gonna split this up into good and bad again

The Good

Gabi (archivefullofyoutubers) went to Twitchcon EU and got a video from Robin for me. I had forgotten that was even this year until I checked the date and realised it was April. I still have that saved for one I need something to make me smile

In July, I got to go to MCM comic con, which itself was lovely because I hadn’t been able to go in 2018, but the moment Bryan and Amelia announced they were going, I lost it. I still can’t believe I got to meet them, but also Tomska (who is lovely) and I got to spend the day with a dear friend of mine (Gabi again) after not seeing her for almost 9 months

Sean announced he was planning to go to VidCon London. I outright said I wasn't going to go to multiple friends, but after a lot of pestering and friendly bullying, I now have my ticket as well as accommodation and travel plans. First time I'll be doing anything like this without family, but I can't wait to see a bunch of the HDWGH squad as well as a few online friends I haven't had a chance to properly meet yet

The Bad

My relationship with the JSE community has been rocky. Stuff happened and it caused me to breakdown multiple times. I started to resent people, either those who had "wronged me", those who were luckier than others with their position in the community or sometimes, those who had a differing opinion to me because I'd gotten so used to one half of the community essentially invalidating anyone who had anything negative to say. I will admit that I'm still working on letting that go, but my aim is to move forward in 2020 and leave all those grudges and bad experiences behind me

I also relapsed. I’ve been a self harmer for a few years now. I have a lot of scars from it, most hidden thankfully, but I relapsed only a few days ago. I’ve taken that to say to myself that I fully intend on going 12 months clean, which shouldn’t be too hard since I’ve been really good with it this year. I just have to watch myself in those brief moments

The December

This month has been a journey in itself, so it requires it’s own section

I had my 21st which was so wonderful and I felt so lucky. All of the messages, gifts and drawings I received made it a truly memorable day

Sadly fate only gave me that, since the next few days would be a mixture of heaven and hell. Still as part of the celebration, we went to London and the Harry Potter Studios (3rd time 😜). The train journey was dreadful to the point I was close to throwing up, the first day was stressful as I was acting as navigator and mum kept doubting my directions, and my ankle started to be extremely painful when walking on the second day, but despite all that, I absolutely loved going back to the studios and got to see another friend (Huffle) after not seeing her for over a year!

Christmas Eve/Day and Boxing Day were emotional rollercoasters. My mood swings were all over the place, from being excited and happy to feeling extremely depressed to ecstatic over presents to disappointed and sad. It was just little things, but it was tough to deal with

I’ve felt so exhausted since Christmas, sleeping way too much and just wanting to lie down and do nothing

And another tradition to finish off on; follower count In 2017 I said I had 524, and in 2018 it was 958 Now, it’s 1214. I always saw big blogs as ones with 1000+ followers, and crossing that threshold was bizarre to me, but then two more milestones after that?! It's still incredible that people want to follow me, and a good chunk of them are amazing mutuals who got lost on the way to good content and ended up here

Review of the year? It’s been a rollercoaster. Nothing was bad enough to skew it to horrible, while the good was few and far between, so it was average. I didn’t have the same experiences as last year, but I feel like this year, I’ve finally started to look forward and take steps rather than cowering away in the shadows on my past. This was a stepping stone year between the leaps I took in 2018 and the journeys out of my comfort zone in 2020

End of a year. End of a decade. End of a passive approach to life, I’m hoping See my 2020 goals post tomorrow to know why I’m saying that, but for now, happy new year and thank you for being part of it

#I finished writing this a few days ago and haven't read through it again #I may have forgotten stuff but here it is

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stephfights · 5 years

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MRI, Ports and chemo...oh my!

I know it has been a while since I blogged but it has been a very busy few days!

Lets start with last Wed. I went to get my breast MRI. This was going to tell me if the cancer had spread to anywhere else in my chest. Me being scared of needles was a problem because they had to do the test with contrast. So Chris and I went in a little early to get the IV started. And it was a breeze! The woman was so nice and had no problem getting it going. So I’m thinking lets do this scan and get on with our day! Yeah....any of y’all ever had a breast MRI? They called me back and put me in one of those glamorous and breezy robes. then march me to the MRI machine and tell me to lay down on my stomach. Now at this point most of TN has seen and/or touched my boobs and these ladies are trying to hold this size XS gown on me to protect my dignity. Look people...my dignity is long gone. Hell, if you want to video this procedure at this point come on! Let’s go! So I jerk the gown off and plop down on this table face first and stuff my boobs into two cut out holes in the table. These ladies are cracking up at this point as they adjust and pull and tug and get me exactly the way they want me. Flat on my stomach, boobs in 2 holes, face in a little hole and arms stretched out in front of me like I’m Superman. Sexy!!! They tell me that I cannot move. If I move I am going to mess up the scans and will have to start over. Then they move me backwards into a tube. Whew....I have never thought of myself as claustrophobic but sliding into that dark tube started messing with my head. They put an emergency button in my hand and told me to hit it if I needed something. The tests begin with lots of loud noises and them telling me to breath between each round. On one particular round I took a nice deep breath and my butt cheeks literally touch the top of this tube. I start freaking! I mean...as a fat girl the last place you want to be is stuck naked, face down in a tube when you die! Just as I am about to hit my emergency button one lady says we are are injecting the dye now. Wham...it hits me like a freight train! I am literally breathing it out my nose and tasting it in my mouth and my stomach starts rolling! I bang on the emergency button and they come running in asking what is wrong. I am yelling get me out of here I am going to puke! And they tell me no.....you read that right...they told me no. Satan’s henchmen are holding me hostage in this tube! In all seriousness they told me that there was 9 minutes left and I would be done. If I got out then I would have to come back and do it all over again. I did not want that. So...I literally shut my eyes and started thinking about what yummy restaurant Chris would take me to when I was done. And it worked. I made it. I will have to do another one in a few months after the first round of chemo is done but I am not going to worry about that right now. The Dr. called that night and told me that the results were good. There was no more cancer anywhere else. My chest wall was clear, my right breast was clear and my lymph nodes were clear. One more hurdle was crossed. And I was thankful.

I spent the next 4 days hanging out with friends and family. Monday morning rolled around and it was time to go have surgery to have the port put in. I don’t have a crazy story for this one. I honestly don’t remember much about it. I know the nurse missed the first time she tried to put the IV in and the person ahead of me cancelled so I was taken back to surgery before my parents even got there. Apparently I was very angry with the recovery nurse because she wouldn’t let me lay flat down and she wouldn’t give me a drink....even though my mom says I was very “firsty” I don’t remember coming home or anything else about that day. I’m guessing I slept pretty good!

Tuesday morning sucked major balls! I was in a tremendous amount of pain from being cut open...once right below the collar bone and once in the side of the neck. I was still groggy and exhausted from the previous days surgery and I had to start chemo. The last thing I wanted was for anyone to touch the port but here I was at the ball crack of dawn looking at another one of Satan’s henchmen holding me down by my collar bone and trying to pop the catheter in place and not miss! I cried like a baby. A big baby! That was freaking painful! If I could have punched that lady in the face I would have. But I know now she was just doing her job. I guess I should apologize for the curse I put on her afterwards. But anyway....after that lovely start to my day I went for the infusion. They put Chris and I in a tiny room with a crappy pleather hospital recliner for me and a white plastic/mesh chair for Chris. Not as bad as I have seen but I’ll be honest....I was disappointed. I was hoping for a Lazy Boy. But we did have a really nice TV and DVD player. My chemo nurse was really nice and started explaining to me how everything was going to go. I would be receiving 4 different types of chemo. They broke down into 1 hour, 1 hour, 1 hour and a half and 1 hour. So a total of 4 1/2 hours at the very least. They started bag #1, Chris and I high fived and we started a movie. Bag #2...I fell asleep and Chris finished the movie. Bag #3...now here’s the fun part. This certain type of chemo causes neuropathy in your fingers and feet. To try and counteract it you do ice baths. You literally put socks on your hands and socks on your feet. Cover them all with baggies and stick them in ice for as long as you can stand it. Now if you haven’t tried this then you need to haul your ass to the freezer and get you some ice and party down! It is a blast let me tell ya! I never knew how strong I was. I lasted a total of 1 hour and 20 minutes in the ice. That’s right....ya girl rocked it! I swear I have never seen Chris look as proud as he did at that moment. Bag #4...that was scary. They started bringing in other bags of emergency equipment in case I had an allergic reaction or my heart stopped. Chris took my hand, kissed me on the forehead and they hooked me up and we waited. Nothing. I had no reaction at all. It was smooth sailing. The only word I know to sum it up is THANKFUL.

I came home after my long chemo day and crashed. I remember waking up the next morning and thinking “hmmm....I don’t feel sick“ Then the next morning...still not sick. I am post chemo day 5 today. I have only been sick for 1/2 a day and have had a little diarrhea for 1/2 a day. I did have some bone pain for about 3 days. I feel okay. I am VERY tired and struggle to hold my eyes open sometimes. But I am so happy that I am not puking my guts up or in terrible pain.

Chris, Clayton and my parents have been SO good to me. I don’t even have to ask for anything. Clayton was worried that the medicine was not working because I have not been as sick as we prepared for him to be. We told him that so far I am one of the lucky ones and we are going to be thankful for one more day that mama is not sick. I have received many gifts and cards and I cherish each and every one. My brother is keeping Amazon busy sending me special things to keep my spirits up.

Nothing I drink tastes good. The Dr. Pepper bottling company is probably going to come burn down my house because it tastes so horrible to me now. All meat except red meat taste terrible. I tried lemon drops and that was like sucking on a penny. I have a metal taste in my mouth and my urine smells like chemicals. But I am alive. And today was a good day. That is all I can ask for. One more good day.

Love to all,

Steph

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clubdolan · 6 years

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Wishes Come True | N.C.

I watched a Make-A-Wish video and was ~inspired~.

“Her name is Riley, she's eleven, she has been diagnosed with astrocytoma, a brain tumor, has had three surgeries and currently is going through chemo.” The guide from Make-A-Wish handed Noah a picture, “Her wish was to meet Peter K, aka: Noah. So you have an hour with her, more time if you want but an hour is necessary.”

She untangled a few lanyards and handed one to Noah with his name on it, “Her mom’s name is Carol, she should be coming down any time to take us upstairs, it’s all a surprise, she doesn’t know her wish was granted—

“Oh my goodness, it’s Peter K.” A voice behind them said, “I cannot believe I am seeing you in person after seeing you on a screen. Thank you so much for coming.”

Noah stood up and hugged her, “I am so happy I could be here and very excited to surprise her.” He kept hold the mom’s shaking hands, “I brought her a gift too, if that’s okay?” He gestured to a basket sat on his friend’s lap. “It has Peter’s lacrosse hoodie in it, a book signed by some of the cast and some other fun things.”

“That is very okay, super okay!” The mom smiled, tilting to look at the basket. “Are you Elsa.. on Once Upon a Time?”

The girl that sat with the basket on her lap looked up, “Um, yeah, I’m Lilly.” She stood up and stuck out her hand.

Carol let go of Noah’s hands and shook Lilly’s, “Riley and I used to wait every week for new episodes of Once to come out, we loved when Anna and Elsa showed up. It was right when she started her first round of chemo and it was such a magical show for us.”

“Awww, that’s so sweet to hear.” Lilly smiled, “Did my hair give it away?” She gestured at the long blonde hair that set on her shoulder, “It’s usually the giveaway.”

“That and your beautiful eyes.” Carol grinned, “Can you come upstairs too? Riley will just be… so excited!”

“If they say it’s okay, I can.”

Everyone looked at the Make-A-Wish lady as she hand-wrote Lilly’s name on a pass. “I can’t say no.” She laughed, handing the lanyard over.

As they made their way to the elevator, Carol continued conversation. The Make A Wish lady grabbed the basket of gifts and Noah’s publicist followed.

“So Elsa and Peter K walk into a hospital….” Noah joked as they waited on the elevator to get to the top floor. His hand sat gently on Lilly’s back and she leaned into him until the bell dinged.

“Her older sister Rachel who is fourteen is here too, she doesn’t know about the surprise either.” Carol mentioned, “I don’t even know how to do this. Do I just have you walk in? Do I announce it?”

“Can I just go ask if I can watch the movie?” Carol nodded, filming right behind him as he opened the door. Without saying a word he sat down in the chair next to the girls on the bed, “Oh I love this movie, can I watch it too?”

Both Riley and Rachel slowly looked over at him, his curls hung right at the top of his eyes as he grinned back.

“Peter……Noah… Noah??” Riley asked, pulling on her sister’s arm.

“Riley… Riley???? and Rachel???” He joked back, acting like he was freaking out.

“Mommy, it’s… mommy you knew?” Riley yelled, “Rachel did you—

“I didn’t know!”

“Can I at least get a hug?” He asked, sticking his arms out. Riley’s little body covered in purple butterflies pajamas seemed to hop off the bed and onto Noah’s lap as her arms wrapped around his neck.

The Make-A-Wish lady stepped in the room, “My wish was granted? My wish was granted!” She stood up and pointed at Noah, “It’s here! He’s here!”

Everyone in the room was laughing at her reaction, Carol filmed the whole thing and Noah’s publicists snapped pictures on her phone.

“Sit down, you all can chat for a bit.” The Make A Wish lady said, pulling Riley’s table to the side. “But we might need another chair?”

“Another chair? Don’t tell me Lara Jean is here!” Riley dramatically said, “If it’s not Lara Jean is it Margot? Or Kitty?”

“It’s no one from my movies.” Noah gave a hint, “Your mom is the one that recognized her.”

Every eye in the room went to Carol, “It’s was our favorite show to watch when you first had chemo—

“Once Upon a Time!” Rachel and Riley yelled at the same time, “There’s so many possibilities.”

“Think….” Noah tried to give a few hints, “Cold…. Queen…. Ice—

“ELSA?!” They both guessed again, giving Lilly the cue to step in the room.

“Hi” She waved, walking towards them. “I’m Lilly.”

Riley and Rachel sat in shock as she stood in front of them. Riley stood up on her bed and gave her a hug, “Hi Elsa Lilly!”

She took a seat next to Noah and they recorded a few bits for Make A Wish before most people left the room and let Rachel and Riley have their own time with Noah and Lilly.

Questions about being on set, future movies, tv shows, signing her iPhone case, etc. Riley had them all.

“I actually just filmed something where I play a robot-girl, I think it comes out next year, it’s got a lot of editing to do because half of it is all made up.” Lilly scrolled on her pictures to find one of her in her outfit with wires coming out of her neck in special effects makeup.

Riley opened her gift, laying it all out on the bed. They had all become so comfortable in each others presence that neither Noah or Lilly had noticed that Lilly’s hand was on his leg, listening to Rachel tell a story about something that happened at school.

“I have school here, on my computer.” Riley pointed.

“That’s how I finished school.” Noah said, “You too, right?”

Lilly nodded, “On set most of the time.”

“Do you two wanna be in a movie together?” Rachel asked.

“I’d be fine with that.” Lilly laughed, “Can it be a tropical movie? I just filmed in England and it was freezing the entire time.”

“It can be a tropical movie about a pirate.” Riley explained, “And a mermaid, you can be the mermaid.” She pointed to Lilly.

“What if I want to be a mermaid?” Noah frowned, “A merman?”

“Okay, you both can be mermaids and you can run from a bad pirate who is trying to get you. But you get eaten by an octopus!” She laughed, pointing at Noah.

“Oh noooo!” He dramatically said, falling back into his seat, “Death by octopus?”

“It’ll slurp you up! And Lilly the mermaid will escape and become a princess and ban the pirate from ever being in the ocean again!”

“I’m down with that.”

“You get to survive and be a princess and I die by octopus slurps? Not fair.” He pushed her shoulder.

Lilly pushed back, “Super fair. I’ve died three times in movies and you’ve never died once.”

“But an octopus?” He asked Riley, “Why not a shark or a…. whale?”

“Because an octopus has eight legs.”

“That’s the best reason I have ever heard.” He smiled, “You should write a movie for us and send us the script to give a director.”

“That’s a lot of writing.” Riley sighed, “I’ll just give you ideas, okay?”

“What other ideas do you have?” Lilly asked.

Riley explained for over twenty minutes her ideas for movies and super heroes and everything in between. She stood on the bed exaggerating how tall a monster was. She ran around the room describing a cape for a super hero.

She stood in front of Lilly and looked at her hair, “You could be Rapunzel too, you just need a braid.”

“Do you know how to braid?” Riley nodded, pointing at the little braid in Rachel’s hair, “Then give it a go.” Lilly lifted her up to her lap and Riley’s fingers went to town separating hair and winding it together.

Noah took a few pictures of them, watching them giggle and tell secrets. He looked back through the pictures, admiring the smiles on both of their faces.

“You like her, huh?”

He was shook out of his zone as Rachel spoke to him. “Huh?”

“You like Lilly.”

“I mean.. I—

“It wasn’t a question.” She shrugged, “It’s obvious.”

“What’s so obvious about it?”

“I’m fourteen, I know when people have crushes on each other.” She moved closer to him and they both watched Riley continue braiding Lilly’s hair. “You keep taking pictures of her and you were smiling really big when you looked at them. She keeps touching your leg and you hold onto her hand. But mostly, because your phone background is the both of you and people only do that when they have crushes. Mine is Harvey.”

Noah looked next to him, “You’re smart.” He nodded, “Do you think she likes me back?”

Rachel took a second to look at Lilly before explaining, “Yes, for sure. Like I said she keeps touching you. She keeps smiling at you too. And the way she looks at you is… she has that look… you know the look?”

“The look?”

“The heart eyes, like the emoji.”

“You’re saying literal hearts come out of her eye—

“No..” She rolled her eyes, “The look you get when you really use the heart eye emoji. Did she come to New York with you?”

“She might have?”

“So she did?”

“Yes, we’ve been here for a few days.” He admitted.

“So you’re on vacation together?” Rachel kept interrogating. “The rumors are true, you’re dating.”

“What rumors?”

“I sit in this hospital a lot with my sister and I read a lot of news on twitter. Yesterday you were a trending topic. Leaving the basketball game…..” She tried to remind him, “You held the door open for her?”

“As any gentleman would do.”

“You carried her shopping bags?”

“Some of it was mine.” He defended.

“And you’re staying at The Plaza, paparazzi caught you leaving there too. That’s a fancy hotel.” She grinned, “Do you even try to keep up on the gossip about you?”

“No, I try to ignore all the gossip. But I—

“Have you kissed her?” Noah whipped his head around to look at her, “Well that’s an obvious yes!” Rachel laughed loudly, getting both of the girl’s attention.

“What do you think?” Lilly asked, turning her head so you could see the one braid go down the side.

“I think it’s beautiful.”

“It needs to be longer to be Rapunzel’s but you can get extensions.” Rachel said, “So you two are dating? Like the internet says?”

“Huh?” Both Riley and Lilly asked.

“Apparently we’re a dead give-a-way once you see us together on the trending topics of twitter.” Noah sighed, “She’s a little detective.”

“Nilly is real?” Riley looked up at Lilly with inquisitive eyes.

“Why else would they randomly be in New York together staying at the same hotel? You’re wish was Noah, not the both of them. She just so happened to show up with him.”

“She’s good.” Noah shook his head and grinned.

Riley’s face lit up, looking at Lilly, “Please say you’re dating him.”

“You think I should?” She whispered down to her.

“Yeah, he’s cute.” Riley giggled, looking over at Noah.

“Hey! What are you whispering about me for?” He pulled her off Lilly’s lap, “What are you telling her?”

Riley moved around and put her hands to his ear, “That she should date you because you’re cute.”

“You?? Think I’m??” He pointed at himself before cupping his hands around Riley’s ear, “Well I think she’s pretty.”

“You better tell me what he’s telling you.” Lilly threatened, “Or I’ll tell—

“He said you’re pretty!” Riley yelled, hiding her face in Noah’s chest.

“Told youuuu….” Rachel smiled at herself for being right. “Life’s too short to keep secrets that make you happy.”

“And she’s funny” He kept whispering in Riley’s ear, “And she makes good brownies.”

“So Nilly is real..” Riley looked up at him, “Really real?”

“Yes.” He laughed, “Because you two started asking questions.”

Carol came in as Noah was ticking Riley, Rachel was laughing and cheering him on as Lilly smiled sitting next to them all.

“So meeting Peter K was all you imagined and more?” She asked, lifting Riley off of Noah and onto the bed.

“Yes!!” She jumped up and down on the bed.

“It’s time for your check-up so it’s time to say goodbye.”

Riley and Rachel pouted, looking over at Noah. “We’ll keep in touch with you guys, I’ll get your mom’s phone number if that’s okay? We can FaceTime.”

“Perfect!”

They took more pictures and Lilly hugged both girls, “You’ve been so sweet to meet, I’m so glad I tagged along today.”

“Me too.” Riley smiled, touching the braid that was still in Lilly’s hair.

Noah hugged the both of them, “Is there anything else you need?”

Riley quickly shook her head no but Rachel stopped him, “Riley wants a kiss on the cheek!”

“No I don—

“You said if you ever met him you wanted a kiss—

“No—

“Yes—

“No I d—

She froze as Noah grabbed her hands, “You want a kiss on the cheek?” Riley nodded on time, squeezing her eyes shut. He puckered his lips out and quickly smooched her cheek, she blushed as he hugged her again. “Bye, Miss Riley.”

The walk out of the hospital seemed longer than the walk in before they hopped in a car alone and were off to dinner.

“That was the cutest. All of it. The cutest thing.” Lilly said, “I about cried three or four times.”

“Ugh, me too. When she was talking about her therapy and how she was so excited for a wig I was a mix of happy and sad cry.” He laughed, “You were so sweet with her.”

“Me? You were so cute with the both of them.” She shook his arm, “She is in love with you. You just made that little girl’s life. She will be thinking of that and talking about it for so long. Especially the kiss.”

“I wanted to just pack her up and bring her with us.” He smiled, “Her sister was hilarious, so observant.”

“I heard you think I’m pretty.” Lilly winked at him.

“Well yeah, I guess I did say that.” He fake stretched and put his arm on her shoulder, making her laugh, “I didn’t think it would be appropriate to tell a little girl how hot you were.” Lilly looked up at him, “Didn’t want to mention how good you looked last night in—

She smacked his arm and pointed to their driver, “…nothing.” He whispered in her ear, so close she could feel his lips move.

“You just did a Make A Wish, you can't act like that!”

“Is that in the paper I signed?” He laughed, “Was that a secret thing?”

They sat in silence on the way to lunch, both checking social media and posting about Riley and her Make-A-Wish. Lilly found Rachel’s instagram where she had typed out a long post about how nice they were and how excited her sister still is that it had happened. She commented on the post how nice it was to meet them and she couldn’t wait to FaceTime them soon! Noah commented soon after with a lot of hearts and my favorite girls!!!!

“So.. since people know now.. or.. kind of know now..” Noah started, “Do you think we should.... like... I don’t know....”

“Like?”

Noah’s face squished together and he held in a laugh, “Can I post a picture of you and talk about how cute you are?”

Lilly grabbed his face and laughed, “You can do whatever you want.”

“So I can?”

“Yes, I don’t care.” She kissed him, “Just don’t like.. not a weird picture.. like not one from a shoot.”

“No it’s one I took.” He smiled, scrolling through his photos. She could tell he was typing as his fingers tapped the screen. He kept erasing and typing more and looking at her then smiling and typing again.

“Whaaaaat?” She kept asking, trying to look at his post.

“Nooooo, stop.” He pulled his phone back, continuing to type.

Lilly sat with her arms crossed, watching the New York streets pass by. Her phone buzzed and she looked down, ‘@ncentineo has posted a new picture’ ‘@ncentineo has tagged you in a picture’.

@ncentineo: So there’s this girl & she makes me ridiculously happy. 😍

“Awww, No” She hugged onto his arm, “You’re too cute.” He kissed the top of her head.

@lillygriffin: It’s untrue......... He is not local, nor organic. But he’s cute. 🤗 So I guess it’s okay.

Lilly posted a picture of him and watched her instagram notifications go non-stop. She watched the orange bubble pop up with new followers, likes and comments every few seconds.

Noah slid the phone from her hand and put it in his pocket, “How about... we go eat and ignore our phones? Then go take a nap before we go out tonight?”

Lilly agreed, looking out the window as they pulled up to their lunch spot. Sullivan Street Bakery was barely busy. They were arriving just before the lunch rush which was the plan. “You know this is--

“Your favorite lunch in New York.” Noah finished her sentence. “Let’s go, I’m starving.”

Lilly hopped out of the SUV and pulled her purse on her shoulder, “What?” She looked back at Noah who stood on the sidewalk, his hand sticking out towards her. His lips pouted at her and he wiggled his fingers, “Hold my hand, baaaabe.”

Lilly took two steps back and grabbed his hand. His smile grew and he squeezed her fingers, leading her inside. Lilly grabbed onto his arm with her opposite hand, it was their first intentional public display of dating and her nerves quickly hit her.

“What’s wrong?” He looked down at her as they waited for a table.

Lilly looked up at him, biting on her lip. He gently grabbed her chin and lead her mouth to his, kissing her quickly, “Nothing.” She smiled, “Nothing’s wrong. Everything is... perfect.”

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