#and so it was terrifying i was crying every time i'd get a hope of getting away from him he'd ruin it for me very swiftly etc etc

[mishkakagehishka]

Me when i dream of lil Mika but it's another nightmare

[fionnaskyborn]

and TODAY ON "Songs Fionna can't listen to without them fucking her up immensely and remind her why she doesn't listen to them very often every time she listens to them", we have:

[inkskinned]

im having a particularly terrible night with urges and imagery that i dont know how to handle. i gave in to some things. held back on some others. but im barely holding on, dear internet stranger.

you do not owe me your time or your words.. but if you could write some hope into existence for me.. i would be unendingly grateful to you.

please. tell me how you do it. tell me how you survive. because im not so sure i can get through the fifteen days it'll take to get to my seventeenth birthday.

could you please give me something to place my faith in? i dont think the universe is watching out for me anymore.

i don't usually answer these, because i am not a professional, and you deserve professional help. when i was 17 i was terrified of the idea of professional help, because my household was extremely unsafe, and made it clear that if i ever chose to get help, i would be punished for it.

i hope this is not your case. i hope that you can call someone, and they can take you where you should go.

but i will give you the advice that i wish i got, when i couldn't get help at 17, when i was so bad that years later, i literally don't-know-how-i-survived it: what you want is peace, not death. your brain is sick. it has romanticized an ending where there are no consequences. where effort isn't necessary. where you can just... forget.

you want peace. that is a normal, human thing to want. maybe it feels more like you want quiet. or just... to take a break for a second.

here is what i will say: to end yourself means you never get to experience what it's like to actually be happy. i thought i knew what it was like, and i was bitter about it. i'd say - i've been happy, it's not worth it, because i didn't know what i was missing. i thought that happiness meant having a partner or having a job or money or a college degree. it sounded like effort. it sounded like something that had to happen to me.

for the first time in my life, just this week, i was able to go to a concert and just-enjoy-it. no liquor, no drugs. just stomping my feet and getting caught up in it. i didn't feel nervous or self-conscious or overwhelmed. i just had a good time. these days have a lot of these firsts for me - it is the first time i can eat cake without crying. it is the first time i can be around an exacto blade without supervision. it is the first time i have too many people to call when i am crying.

i can't tell you where you'll run into happiness, only that, for me, it started once i was out of that fucking house. it started once i figured out where the pain was coming from. once i figured out that i was not possessed, something medical was wrong with me. that i am not stupid or lazy, i have depression and adhd. the first few years were difficult. at 19, during my efforts to recover, i actually got worse by a considerable margin. and then, with time and patience - i got better.

happiness doesn't feel like what you think it will. in movies it's so golden and all-encompassing. but it doesn't fly into your hands when you buy your first car nor does it arrive in the arms of a partner nor does it require passing your classes. happiness came to me on a tuesday in the form of a red-winged blackbird, and i looked at her, and she looked at me, and i said - oh. the whole world suddenly filled itself in with color. like i had been forever-asleep. like every corner of every room was suddenly glistening.

it ended quickly, back then. it just stopped in to check in on me. but it was enough - this thing i had never experienced, but that i knew (logically) could happen. before that, i was only staying because it would make my mom sad if i died. that was my only reason. and then the happiness came, so strange and brilliant and lovely that for years i couldn't even look at it directly.

these days, things are so different. life is so much easier. i don't wish for death because so much of what i have is already at peace. my boss understands when i need a mental health day. people in general are less prone to high school drama. entire communities hold my hand and have my number. i have a car and a dog and a little apartment garden and candles on all available surfaces and today i bought myself a little cake just-to-celebrate-nothing. my body is my own and we are both dancing.

there are so many things i've gotten to taste in the last 10 years. i know, for you, that is an eon, because it's more than half of your life. but if it helps? in the 5 years between 17-21: i filled myself with laughter and love. i got to be a lead in a ballet and got my first tattoo and then my second and pierced my ears the way i'd wanted to (one of them professionally the other over a hot stove with a potato) and i discovered hozier is my favorite singer (i know. he was new back then) and i got my first real job and my first real paycheck and i hadn't ever been seen as smart but then i started to actually treat my adhd as a condition rather than a burden and people started saying you're like the smartest person in the room and my best friend met her husband who i will one day stand next to as maid of honor when he is her groom and i got to help people and make a stupid blog called "inkskinned" and find out that writing is actually my passion and that maybe i'm actually kind of good at it if i just practice and i got to meet my parents' dog (his name is kaiju) and i slept on couches and kissed people and tried new things and learned how to breathe without feeling my chest tighten and that peace is here, on this planet, that peace echoes everywhere, it is in my hair and my homework and my houseplants, it is quiet and divine and mine because i fought for it and i built it and yes i lost hair over it but holy shit the whole world feels like it is shifted through a sunbeam

recently someone asked me if i could go back in time to 6th grade, with all the knowledge i have now, would i? and without thinking, i barked absolutely not. i know i should say it's because i wouldn't want to risk losing any of this stuff - but really it's because i would never survive being a teenager again. it sounds incredibly lame and impossible, fake - but being a teenager was the hardest thing i ever did. i had no voice, no control, only fear and hatred.

but i did survive it. nothing about me is special. nothing about me is stronger than you or better prepared or more efficient. i didn't survive it perfectly. i made a lot of mistakes and lost a lot of friends and harmed myself in ways that i'm still recovering from. but i did survive it. and there is a part of me looking at you in the past and saying - i'm you in the future.

and holy shit. every day. every goddamn day i'm glad we survived to see the rest of it. because you hit 18 and everything changes. like, everything. and holy shit, it is infinitely worth it.

[pix3lplays]

I really love your hsr men fic when they accidentally get their s/o pregnant! I'd like to request the same but instead of telling them, how about s/o ran away from them after she knows she's pregnant because she thought they never want a child?

Hi! Thank you so so much it means a lot to hear you enjoyed something I worked on! And yes I can absolutely do this request! It’s so good oh my gosh!! Part two to this!

Cw! Pregnancy

-Honkai Star Rail men with a pregnant reader who ran away-

Welt Yang: is heartbroken to receive a letter from you simply saying that you must leave him. He wants an explanation. Wants to know what he did wrong, how he hurt you, Anything and Everything that he did to chase you away. Safe to say he searches for you. He sticks with the Astral Express crew, but suddenly he’s very hands-on with every mission. He wants to go to each new world, with your picture, asking about you, about what happened to you, but he can’t find ANYTHING. It’s like you’ve vanished from the universe. Dan Heng, March 7th and Himeko also pitch in, but there’s no sign of you. The others notice how distressed he is, but he does his best to remain calm and collected, for your sake. He doesn’t want to lose himself. He can’t afford to lose himself. Then he might never find you…

Sampo Koski: Receives the news from Natasha that as soon as you found out you were pregnant, you vanished from the clinic. She tells him the truth of course, it shouldn’t be hidden from the father, and he realizes right then and there why you’d run away. Oh he feels so bad. He didn’t mean to chase you away like that. You asked him about kids once and he made his stance clear that he hated kids, didn’t want anything to do with them. And that’s why you ran, isn’t it? You were scared of what he would do and say once he found out? He doesn’t stop looking for you, but his life has to go on. He mentions you to all his clients, he has a photo of you in his wallet, and eventually time passes and now he mentions that you might have a kid with you. As scared as he is to admit it, he can’t find you anywhere, and he just has to hope you’re safe. But he doesn’t give up that one day he’ll see you again…

Jing Yuan: is terrified to wake up and find you not in bed, nowhere in the house, or in the gardens. He immediately alerts Yanqing and assembles the Cloud Knights for a search and rescue. Oh he’s scared. You’d never just…disappear like that, right? Something happened to you! You must’ve been kidnapped or something awful like that. He doesn’t give up his search for you. He leads it personally, and the search goes on for weeks until he finally has to disassemble the cloud knights for other duties. Him and Yanqing don’t give up though. They even go door to door looking for you, not giving up hope that someday they’ll be reunited with you. Eventually he HAS to return to his duties as General, but he uses up all his free time to track your last known movements and continue his search for you, not willing to just let you go like that. Not ready to give up on you, and the belief that he can find you…

Gepard Landau: like Jing Yuan, he immediately assumes the worst when he can’t find you. You’ve been hurt, attacked, kidnapped or something! He gets permission, and then assembles the Silvermane guards to find you. He puts missing person posters up around the city and the underground (oh my gosh imagine if he drew them himself I’m crying) and he’s determined to find you, offering a promotion to whoever returns you to him. He so, so badly hopes you’re safe wherever you are. He even begs Wildfire for their help in finding you. And when you don’t turn up after the first day, he genuinely begins to panic. He doesn’t know where you could be. Or even why you disappeared, and the thought that something awful happened to you scares him the most…

Luocha: Luocha at first, stays calm and collected when he wakes up that morning and can’t find you anywhere. He just assumed you’ve decided to take a nice walk or something. But you don’t return to him. Now he’s afraid. He uses his merchant contacts to ask around about you, and nothing comes up. He begins to search on his own, trying to start logically, like places you were more likely to be or maybe you’ve been to. But nothing seems to work. He can’t find you anywhere. Now he’s panicked. Why would you just…leave him like that without a word? Were you safe? Were you alright? Right as he begins to really feel the panic sink in, he receives a text from you. “I’m sorry. But I’m safe. Please don’t look for me.” Well. That’s a relief. But he’s afraid he can’t promise he won’t look for you. He tries asking you where you are but you stop answering his texts, and he’s left all alone again, trying to piece together where you might be. He’s not just going to give up on you just like that. He wants to know what he’s done wrong, and he’s determined to find you in hopes that the two of you can work this out…

Let me know if anyone wants a version where they find you, or any other requests for that matter!

[flowerandblood]

Green Snake, Red Lion (6)

[Slytherin • Aemond x Gryffindor • female]

[warnings: kissing, mention of sex, fluff]

[description: Aemond is a Chaser and captain of the Slytherin team. His biggest rival on the pitch from the Gryffindor team, turned to be his biggest fan, and he hates her with all of his heart. His hatred towards her slowly turns into something else, when she one day stands up for his sister, Helaena. This is slow burn love story.]

* English is not my first language. Please, do not repost. Enjoy! *

Previous and next chapters: Masterlist

______

Even though they both tried to fall asleep, all they got out of it was short naps between kissing and touching. With her so close to himself, Aemond couldn't help planting tender, innocent kisses on her lips every time she made a movement in his arms, opening her sleepy, thirst-warmed eyes.

She reciprocated his tenderness fervently and passionately, massaging his lips with hers with a soft, muffled moan, stroking his hair with her hand. Aemond didn't dare touch her between her thighs again that night. He knew that part of her was horrified by what had happened between them.

In the morning he felt her trying to gently extricate herself from his grip and get up. He didn't let her, letting out a low growl of displeasure, not even opening his eye. He pulled her even closer to himself, hugging her from behind, his nose in her hair. He heard her swallow hard.

"I should go to my bedroom. I wouldn't want your parents to catch me here." She spoke softly and painedly.

He opened his eye at her words, feeling uneasy at the way that she said the phrase. He felt his heart pounding hard.

"It's only dawn. We can lie together for a while if you want." He said softly, kissing subtly the patch of skin on her neck exposed to him. She didn't answer him for a long moment. He felt her chest rise and fall unsteadily in his embrace.

"…will you tell your teammates about what happened between us?" She asked in a whisper, terrified, her voice breaking at the end as if she was about to cry.

Aemond raised himself quickly on one elbow, wanting to look at her face, frowning. She turned her head away, but he took her cheeks in his hand and gently forced her to look at him. Her eyes were terrified. He thought with a sinking heart that she regretted what they had done.

"What are you talking about?" He asked uncertainly, all tense, his eye expressing concern.

He felt pale, his stomach clenched into a tight knot. Solren swallowed softly, one tear slipping from the corner of her eye down the side of her face.

"You're going to pretend that nothing happened between us, right? When we get back to Hogwarts." She whispered. He felt his heart leap into his throat. For a moment he couldn't get anything out.

He didn't want to announce to the whole world that he had slept with the opposing team's best player. He didn't want to give cause for gossip about them. He also wanted to give himself some time to get used to this new situation. He wasn't going to take it as a one-off, though, like with the random girls in the restroom.

He didn't want this to be their last time. He didn't want to stop talking to her either. It was just that what was going on between them surpassed him in every possible social way. He didn't know how to explain it, so she didn't feel like he was throwing her away. He sighed softly, running a hand over his face.

“I…fuck, it's not like that. I mean – ugh, damn it." He shook his head, stuttering, everything he could think of sounded hopeless and evasive. She looked at him, sniffling, all red. She swallowed silently.

"I'd like to keep this between us, but that doesn't mean that I want to forget about it and end it there." He said after a little thought. Solren blinked, twisting in place, pressing her lips together, apparently processing his words in her mind.

"So what would you like?" She asked uncertainly, but there was a note of hope in her voice and she was no longer crying. Aemond sighed, rubbing his temple.

“I guess… I mean… I – fuck – I just wish that we were together like we are now. Didn't analyze too much and saw, what – um – would come of it." He finally said with difficulty, but somehow relieved that he had managed to say what he really felt. He looked at her uncertainly and saw her face lighten slightly. She nodded.

"All right." She said and smiled warmly, sniffling, her eyes bright and happy again. He smiled involuntarily at the sight, his hand ran over her warm, red cheek.

"I'm gonna kiss you now, okay? I will also do this at school." He hummed as he leaned over her, stealing from her a long, lingering, sticky kiss. She murmured into his mouth contentedly, apparently expressing her full consent to fulfill his desire.

They spent the rest of the morning kissing, touching each other's cheeks and hair, enjoying the intimacy that they knew would soon be unavailable for them again. Aemond was relieved that she wasn't expecting straight answers and precise statements of his feelings from him right away.

All of this was very difficult for him, but at the same time it filled him with an indescribable satisfaction. The thought that perhaps she had been in love with him from the very beginning filled him no longer with discouragement, but with a pleasant, warm feeling melting in his heart.

Solren ate breakfast with his family, then they all gathered to transfer to Kings Cross Station. For this, they used a passage hidden in one of the subway stations, enchanted in such a way as to exit on platform 9 ¾, created for Hogwarts students.

As they stepped out onto the platform, a large red and black locomotive was waiting ahead of them, surrounded by students with suitcases and their pets, joyfully greeting each other after the break and saying goodbye to their families. Aemond, Aegon, and Helaena also exchanged polite farewells with their parents, and Solren thanked them for their hospitality.

Helaena and Solren went ahead, talking to each other. Aemond and she tried not to look at each other, but they were doing rather poorly. They were both shocked by what had happened between them and how intense the experience was. Aegon was telling him how he couldn't wait to get back on the pitch and play Quidditch again, but Aemond, though agreeing with him, couldn't concentrate on what he was saying.

He stared at Gryffindor's skirt, thinking of her hips which he squeezed so hard as he fucked her. About how wonderful it felt to be sunk between her thighs, how tight and wet she was, just for him. He swallowed hard, feeling his cock throbbing in his pants at the thought. He flinched when Aegon mentioned her name.

“… it's good that she will play again. She's the only Gryffindor I like, and I have to admit, she's quite pretty. I hope you don't see this as a betrayal of the team, but I want to flirt with her a little and see what comes of it." He grunted, brushing his hair casually, as he pushed his way through the crowd of people.

Aemond felt his heart stop for a moment. He pursed his lips, unable to utter a word.

"She already has someone." He blurted out after a moment, not even thinking about what he was saying.

He immediately felt embarrassment at what he had said, and felt as if he would burn with shame. He'd told her that he didn't want anyone to know about it, and he'd just betrayed them himself. He thought that he was a fucking hypocrite and squeezed his eye shut. Aegon raised an eyebrow at him, surprised.

"Really? And how do you know about it?” He asked curiously, recognizing that it was knowledge did not seem to match their level of familiarity. Aemond looked away.

“Helaena told me. If you'd talked to our sister more instead of pretending that she didn't exist, you'd know that too." He lied with surprising ease, feeling his heart pounding wildly as he climbed the steps into one of the train cars that Helaena and Solren had boarded moments earlier. Aegon sighed heavily as he followed him inside.

"Who's the lucky guy?" He asked with irony, looking with him for some free compartment. Aemond saw Helaena and Solren enter one, Solren waved for them to follow them. Aemond felt his throat tighten. He wanted to hiss that he is and tell Aegon to fucking stay away from her.

"I don't know." He said low, furious with himself and with him for some reason.

They followed the girls into the compartment and made themselves comfortable. Helaena and Solren sat on one side, Aemond and Aegon sat on the other. Before Aemond had even taken off his cloak, Aegon asked a question, that made him freeze.

"I heard you have someone, cutie. Who is that?” He asked with amusement, leaning his head against the backrest.

Solren blinked, surprised, completely confused about what he was talking about. She looked at Aemond and saw his terrified, pleading look that said it all. She swallowed hard, her eyes dropping to the floor as she thought hard about how to lie.

"I… well, I don't want to say anything because it's not certain yet." She said softly, pressing her lips together, as she glanced at Aegon. He raised an eyebrow, obviously not satisfied with the answer.

"How is it? You don't know if you want to be with him? Tell me who it is and I'll tell you if it's worth it." He smirked, looking at her expectantly.

Aemond covered his face with his hand, resting his arm on the armrest, feeling that he was about to die of shame and the awkwardness that he had put her in.

Solren turned all red, he could see the physical effort that she was putting into thinking at the moment. Helaena looked at her curiously, as if only now realizing what they were talking about.

"You didn't tell me that you were seeing someone." She said, but there was no regret in that voice, only curiosity and soft warmth joy at her happiness. Aegon looked at his brother, frowning.

“You said, that you learned it from Helaena. You…” He said and suddenly stopped talking, as if he had connected several threads. He looked at Solren, then back at his brother, leaning forward, mouth open in disbelief.

"You must be fucking kidding me. "She's already taken but I don't know who it is?" Seriously?" He said, mocking his brother's voice impatiently. Solren pursed her lips, red with embarrassment, looking at Aemond in surprise.

He rubbed his face, sighing heavily. He looked at her with an expression of utter hopelessness on his face. Whatever happened, there was no turning back. He wasn't going to deny it and say that they had nothing in common.

Aegon's confession made him realize painfully quickly that he didn't want to share her at all. Not after what happened between them. He couldn't bear the thought of anyone else touching her the way he did.

Fucking her the way he did.

"You just surprised me. It was supposed to stay between us for now." He said finally, lowering his gaze, dropping some small powder from his pants on which he focused his gaze, avoiding the eyes of his brother. "Yes, we are together."

There was silence in the compartment. Aegon sank back into his seat, shaking his head, amusement mixed with disbelief on his face.

The Gryffindor stared at Aemond with pursed lips, and when he looked at her, he saw joy and happiness. She lowered her eyelids timidly, playing with the material of her skirt, barely holding back the wide smile that appeared on her face.

"That's wonderful, I'm so happy for you!" Helaena said lightly, pressing herself against her arm, closing her eyes with a dreamy smile on her face.

They spent the entire trip in practical silence. Aemond stared out the window, feeling the tension in his body and the horror of what was happening. On the one hand he was relieved, on the other he was afraid that Aegon would blurt everything out and everyone would talk about them.

He hated drawing so much attention to himself, it made him extremely uncomfortable. He felt Solren look at him once in a while, but he didn't dare look at her.

As they arrived in the evening to their destination and were heading for the carriages that would take them to Hogwarts he saw that Solren was talking to Aegon about something in the rear. He felt uncomfortable at the thought, but decided not to say anything. Stark and a few others called her to come with them, and she waved to them, saying that she'd be right over.

Aemond saw, surprised, how she rushed over to him. Before he could say anything, she started talking.

“I asked Aegon to keep what he heard to himself. Helaena won't tell anyone either. So please, don't worry." She said, pressing her lips together, looking at him as if she was worried by his condition.

His heart clenched at the thought that she thought of his feelings more than her own. She was the one who was terrified, she was the one who lost her first time with him, she was put in a situation where she didn't know what would happen next.

He thought that he was cruelly selfish, as usual.

"I want to kiss you." He spoke softly and matter-of-factly, almost indifferently, though his heart was pounding like crazy. Solren blinked, blushing, looking at him uncertainly.

"Here?" She asked, surpised.

He didn't anserw her, but just grabbed her by the nape and bited into her lips hungrily, placing a long, wet, lingering kiss on her lips. He pulled away from her with a sticky click and pressed his forehead against her temple, his nose pressed against his cheek.

"Do you want to be mine?" He asked in a whisper, still holding her tightly by the nape, all around them were the surprised, quick conversations of people who had just seen what he did.

He heard her shudder at his words, dropping her eyelids modestly, smiling sweetly. She nodded, and he grunted contentedly, as kissed her cheek, pulling away from her. He looked at her, for some reason more content and calm than ever.

"See you later."

_____

Aemond Taglist:

(bold means I couldn't tag you)

@its-actually-minicika @notnormalthings-blog @nikstrange @zenka69 @bellaisasleep @k-y-r-a-1 @g-cf2020 @melsunshine @opheliaas-stuff @chainsawsangel @iiamthehybrid @tinykryptonitewerewolf @namoreno @malfoytargaryen @qyburnsghost @aemondsdelight @persephonerinyes @fan-goddess @sweethoneyblossom1 @watercolorskyy @astral-blossoms @randomdragonfires @amirawritespoorly @apollonshootafar @padfooteyes @darylandbethfanforever9 @fudge13 @snh96 @diosademuerte @rwdkarla @echos-muses

Others: @fangirlninja67 @helaenaluvr @queenofshinigamis @scmdsblog @talesofoldandnew @godrakin @nina2697 @saminalloxo

[beachylupin]

I'd Have You Anytime || Remus Lupin x Muggle!Fem!Reader

i've risen from the dead just to finish and post this! i'm sorry for such the long wait everyone! but here it is! i'm hoping this is sufficient, but i personally love muggle!fem!reader, so she might make a comeback eventually. feedback is welcomed and appreciated! to preface: this part takes place near the first half/middle-ish of november part one (mb), part two (mb), moodboard for this part word count: 3.1k warnings: fluff!!!!!, pining, depression mess, maybe like three swear words

Not working for a week after the pub incident was a blessing in disguise. You were able to break down in silence with nobody secretly judging you. You stayed mainly in your bed, ignoring every phone call and worried message from Lily, James, and even Sirius. Some calls never came with a message, and you feared that it was Remus trying to reach you, so you decided to answer no calls at all.

It was quiet, but it was necessary.

By the end of the week, all your thoughts led to the same conclusion: you were horribly in love with Remus.

As stupid as it may seem, you had fallen for him, and you weren’t getting up anytime soon.

That’s why you acted rashly and left the pub crying. That’s why you shouted at him. You were terrified. Loving someone was a terrifying thing to do, especially when you didn’t really know them. You’d seen Remus twice, and surely that wasn't enough times to truly love someone.

But it strangely was, and you loved him.You knew it because he’s all you could think about. He plagued your thoughts. His face, his eyes, the scars: every part of him was constantly on your mind. Even his voice filled your mind even though you’ve talked to him maybe twice, and one of those times was yelling.

From the chill that ran down your spine when you first saw him, you knew he was the one. There was no doubting that.

Journaling seemed to help, and you spent most of that week doing just that. You wrote pages and pages and ink stained your fingers as you tried to figure out the answer on how you could salvage things, but the answer never really turned up. The only real answer you found is how desperate you were for true love.

A pound on your door caught you by surprise the day before you were supposed to go back to work. You paused your seventh watch through of Romeo and Juliet and walked to the door. You opened it, seeing a crazed-eyed Lily.

“I thought you were dead!” She exclaimed, pushing past you into your flat. “Why didn’t you answer?!”

“Because-”

“When was the last time you cleaned?” She asked, picking up a discarded pizza box from the couch and tossing it on the counter.

You looked around your apartment, suddenly feeling self conscious about its current state. It was a disaster. Pizza boxes, crisp bags, and soda cans lined every surface, and dishes were piled up in the sink. Clothes were strewn everywhere even though you stayed in one outfit for the past week.

“When was the last time you showered?” Lily asked, more concerned than put off by your noticeably greasy appearance.

You shrugged, genuinely not knowing. You knew it had to be at least a week ago.

“Babes,” Lily cooed, holding your hands in hers. “Pull yourself together. He’s just a guy-”

You sighed heavily, shaking your head. “He’s not just-”

“-who still very much would like to see you again,” she finished over you, a spark evident in her eyes. “Especially if you showered,” she mumbled, smiling as you turned red.

You dropped her hands as you threw her a playful glare. “I take it that you’d enjoy seeing me better if I was showered too?”

Lily shrugged, smiling coyly as she mumbled, “I won’t say yes, but it’d be preferred.”

You loosed a sigh. “Fine,” you said, making your way to the bathroom. “Just for you.”

Showering felt nice, and you hadn’t realized what you were missing until you were under the hot water. Because of that, your shower was longer intended, and the water ran cold by the time you were done cleaning yourself off.

You didn’t bother dressing yet since you knew Lily wouldn’t judge you, so you slipped on your robe, making your way to the living room, where she had conquered the mess the trash bags.

“Thought you might’ve died in there,” Lily said from the kitchen, her hands lost in dirty dishwater.

“I had to get clean,” you sighed, your shoulders slumping forward. “You didn’t have to do this.”

“I know I didn’t,” she replied, putting yet another clean dish on the drying rack. “You’re my friend, and I care about you so I wanted to.”

You hugged her from behind, your cheek pressing into her back as she washed another dish.

“I love you,” you mumbled, and she shut off the tap, turning to give you a proper hug.

“I love you too,” she said, squeezing you tighter before letting go. “Which is why-” she sang, a smile growing on her face. “You’ll come to my holiday party next week, won’t you?”

“Isn’t it a bit early?” You asked, realizing it wasn’t even December.

“Everyone does something different for holidays,” she sighed dramatically. “This is the only time that everyone will be together, and I don’t want you to miss it.” You didn’t say anything, so Lily continued. “I know the whole Remus thing didn’t work out, but I can say for certain that he still would love to see you, okay? Just talk to him. Invite him over or something whenever you see him next.”

You sighed. “I’ll think about it.”

Instead of protesting like normal, Lily nodded, smiling softly. “Come on. Let’s go watch movies like we did when we were girls.”

Lily was gone before you woke up, leaving you a note and a scone.

“Have a great day back! Xoxo Lily,” the note read. You took a bite of the scone, getting dressed for work, and began your walk to the cafe down the road.

Melanie was incoherently swearing at the oven when you came in through the back, dropping a pan of what looked like charcoal on the countertop.

She was your co-worker, and you considered her a friend, but she was horrible at her job. You feared for anyone who had to drink her chunky coffee, eat her blackened pastries, and listen to her swear in Gaelic in the week you were gone.

“There’s a guy waiting out there for you,” Melanie huffed, watching you as you tied a clean apron around your waist. “Been here since this mornin’.”

“Oh, really?” You asked, rolling your eyes. “Is it Ed?” You smiled, thinking of the old man with kind eyes who always asked for you to make his drinks. You missed him dearly.

“No, he’s a younger guy… Like our age,” she replied, chucking the burnt pastries in the trash. “He’s been here every day for a week lookin’ specifically for you. Had to ask him to leave by noon so he wasn’t takin’ up a table.” She glanced up at the time, wiping her nose on her sleeve. “I left him today because I knew you’d be here. Didn’t order anything yet, though. ‘M sure he’ll do that once he sees you.”

“Oh.” You felt your face flush, and you suddenly started toying with your hair. You should be creeped out by this, but your heart soars. Somebody is here to see you. “Is he cute?”

“Decent, I guess,” Melanie said with a sigh, glancing at your nervous hands. “You look fine. Just go get his order before he sits here all day looking sad again.”

You rolled your eyes, dropping your hands. “Are you sure-”

“Just go,” Melanie laughed, giving you a playful push out of the kitchen.

He was standing at the counter, his neck hardly craned to see the menu above him. Your heart dropped to your stomach, the sour ache in your chest coming back with a vengeance.

“Remus,” you tried to say, breathier than you wanted. Shit.

“Hiya,” he said. He hardly looked at you, his eyes focused on the menu. “I’m having trouble picking something to order...”

He was so nonchalant, it made your heart ache. His hair was slicked back, like he had just woken up and showered, which was a high possibility since it was only noon. A leather bomber jacket hid a green button up and brown corduroys. He was smiling at you as he stuck his hands in his pockets.

“What’s your favorite drink?” He asked, bringing you back into the conversation. “The other girl just kept giving me black coffee.”

“Melanie has poor taste,” you mumbled, flushing as you looked away from him. “Chocolate?”

“Huh?”

“Do you like chocolate?” You asked.

“I love chocolate,” he said, smiling.

You nodded, silently turning on your heel to start working on his drink.

Your mind, however, was anything but. You were racking your brain on what to say to him. Do you bring it up? Do you invite him over? You could tell Melanie that you needed to take a break, but you just got there, and she would flip her lid. You knew you were going to need the break after the lunch rush. Prepping a conversation failed you last time, and this time, you just needed to wing it. 

You sighed, losing a breath you didn’t realize you had been holding in, as you shaved chocolate over top of the whipped cream topping. You turned around, presenting the drink with a smile, ignoring the way your hands started shaking.

“Sweet lord,” Remus mumbled, his hand outstretched. “How much do I owe you?”

You handed him the cup, your fingers brushing as he busied his other hand with cash.

“‘S on the house,” you said quietly, your eyes not leaving where his fingers grazed yours. “Don’t tell me that you’ve been paying for Melanie’s black coffee all week.”

“Ahh, so she told you?” Remus asked, his brow quirked. “You probably think I’m creepy-”

“Endearing?” You finished his sentence before his lips even formed the ‘c,’ “Look, Remus-” Your heartbeat quickened. This was it. It’s happening.

“I’m all ears,” he said, grabbing your hand lightly before the bell ringing above the door distracted you.

“Hi! I’ll be right with you!” You greeted the old woman before locking eyes with Remus. “I’m off at eight,” you said, your voice wavering with nerves

A ding of the bell at the counter this time caught Remus’ attention now, making him glance over.

“Just a second, alright?” You tried to sound sweet, tightly smiling at her. You looked back at Remus, squeezing his hand lightly. “Come back-”

The woman dinged the bell impatiently, and Remus huffed, looking at her. “We’re in the middle of a conversation! Just wait a second!” He snapped, his attention back on you immediately. “I’ll walk you home, yeah?”

Your heart skipped a beat as you nodded. “I’ll see you then.”

“I’ll be here at eight sharp,” he said as the bell rang again. “Better deal with her,” he mumbled, dropping your hand as he backed away from the counter.

“Right,” you half laughed, rolling your eyes with a smile. “Work.” They dinged the bell again, clearing their throat. “I’m coming!” You huffed, throwing a brief smile to Remus before attending to the impatient customer.

“Sorry, we’re closed!” You called, your back turned toward the dinging door as you wiped down the counter.

“Damnit,” you heard him hiss. “I wanted one of those… whatever you made me this morning.”

You turned around, finding Remus at the counter clutching a bouquet of sunflowers.

“A cafe mocha.” Your voice was breathy just like this morning, and your cheeks turned pink as he set the sunflowers down on the counter.

“Should probably get those in some water,” he said, shoving his hands in his pockets. “They didn’t like the cold.”

You grabbed the bouquet, plucking off a dried petal. “Where’d you get them?”

Remus shrugged, a smile playing at his lips. “I know a really good florist.”

You nodded quietly, understanding what he meant as you grabbed a large coffee cup, filling it with water. “Make yourself at home,” you said, busying yourself with the bouquet. “I still have to put a few things away… Wipe down a few surfaces. It’ll take me five minutes tops.”

Remus nodded, his hands still in his pockets as he turned on his heel, perusing his way toward the bookshelves near the front of the cafe.

Rather than getting to the work that you had, you watched him.

His long, slender fingers grazed the books as he looked at them, taking his time to look at each spine. He gasped quietly to himself, pulling the book from the shelf.

“Do you mind?” He asked as if he knew you were looking at him, holding up a book.

“As long as you bring it back,” you replied, instantly getting back to work to hide your reddened cheeks.

“I’ll probably be back here tomorrow,” he said, slipping the book in his pocket. “If you’ll have me.”

“Oh, I’d have you anytime,” you replied, glancing up at him to catch him staring and smiling softly. Your heart clenched as you cleared your throat. “What book did you pick?”

“The Shining by Stephen King.” Remus made his way back to the counter, watching you as you put dishes away. “Have you read it?” You nodded, finishing up. “Was it any good?”

“Do you want to know what it’s about?” You asked, facing him as he nodded. You smiled, undoing your apron. “Alright. I’ll tell you all about it.”

“So Danny can see these people?” Remus asked, clutching the book to his chest as he kept up with you on the quick walk.

“Well, they’re ghosts,” you laughed at his reaction. “They aren’t real-”

“Ghosts are very much real,” he said, his eyebrows raised. “I’ve seen them.”

“Well in this case, Danny sees them in his head,” you explained. “It’s the shine.”

“Ahh, I love it when the book title works its way into the story,” Remus sighed, smiling as you slowed. “Is this you?”

You nodded. “This is me,” you confirmed, looking down at the cup of flowers. “You uh-”

“I’ll see you around,” he said quietly, squeezing your elbow.

“You can come up.” You swallowed the nervous lump in your throat. “Uh- If you want?”

Remus seemed to stand straighter. “I would love that.”

You smiled, pushing open the complex door, holding it for him to duck inside.

He followed you closely up the stairs, his hands in his pockets. You focused on your feet, knowing that if you didn’t, you’d surely trip. Your brain was screaming, but you kept quiet, the burning in your chest coming back.

You made it to your flat, and you fumbled with the keys, unlocking your door and shuffled inside, Remus in tow.

Closing the door you sighed. “Did you give me a love potion?” You asked candidly, setting the flowers on the counter.

“What?” Remus was still at the door, toeing off his shoes.

“At the wedding?” You could feel your face flushing, feeling stupid, but continuing on anyway. “You gave me a potion you called a sober-up potion… Was it actually-”

“Love potions are very unstable,” he said quietly. “Why would you think that I’d give you one?”

You shrugged. “It’s an easier explanation than what’s really going on.”

“And that is?”

“I think I’ve fallen in love with you,” you admitted quietly. “That’s stupid, right?”

“I don’t think that’s stupid,” Remus quietly cooed. “I really like you,” he started, his hand now on your shoulder. “I don’t reckon you heard that at the pub even though I told you thrice.”

“Still?” You guffawed when he nodded matter-of-factly. “Remus, I don’t think if you’re remembering right, but I was a c-”

“You should really listen,” he reminded you, his tone lilting. You stopped, crossing your arms over your chest. He took a step away from you, leaning on the counter across from you. “You were looking at the moon. Saying how you preferred the sun more because without it, the moon would just be another dark rock. That made me think, you know? Would I be just a dark rock without you someday? Could I ever get so lucky?”

Your heart clenched at his words, but he continued, ignoring the way your eyebrows pinched together as you nodded.

“Sunflowers,” he said, nodding at the bouquet in its coffee cup vase. “They reminded me of you. They represent sunshine, you know.”

You felt like crying. You felt like kissing him and never stopping. Nobody had ever been this kind, this open, with you before. You swallowed, looking away from him.

“I got full body chills when I caught you looking at me at Lily’s wedding. I thought, ‘I need to buck up and talk to him.’ Then you talked to me while I was reeling over how handsome you are,” you said quietly.

Remus shook his head softly. “You’re just saying-”

“No,” you said, cutting him off. “It’s your turn to listen.”

He conceded, hands going up in quiet allowance for you to continue. You sighed, tucking your hair behind your ears.

“I regretted going to the pub because you were there, and you felt different. Like… like the one that got away.” It was like word-vomit. Once you started, you just couldn’t stop, so you continued. “The one that didn’t want me, and I’m so desperate for someone to want me that I start to get angry. I want to be wanted, you know? And I was terrified, Remus, because I love you, and it seemed like you wanted nothing to do with me. A-and now, I just can’t believe that someone like you would want something like me.

“Someone who yelled at you for a misunderstanding. Someone who opens her stupid mouth and ruins absolutely everything.” You hadn’t realized that you started crying until you paused to take a breath, sniffling up tears instead. “Someone who isn’t magic- God, I’m so sorry.”

“Hey, hey,” he said, crossing to where you were standing. Slightly crouching, he held your arms, thumbs brushing your biceps lightly. “None of that matters,” he cooed. “I was never mad. A little confused, but hey, aren’t we all?”

You let out a wet chuckle, shrugging. “I suppose.”

“I want you, okay?” He said, cupping your cheeks. “I want you.”

Remus leaned in, eyes flicking between your lips and your eyes as if waiting for your approval. You met him halfway, capturing his lips in yours in a soft kiss. Your heart clenched as you pushed closer to him, hands meeting his stubbly jaw before he pulled away.

“I love you, and you are wanted, alright? Don’t you ever forget that,” he reassured you, smiling.

You nodded. “Okay,” your voice came out raspy, causing you to flush. “Could we do that again?”

“Oh, I’d have you anytime, love,” he said. “Anytime.”

[milkywaydrabbles]

number one with alucard 👀 he got and interest on it but is kinda embarrassed to tell his dear wife but them she's SO into it, she wants nothing more than bend him over and pegg him 🥵

A/N: If I had a nickel for every time someone asked for Alucard to be pegged, I'd have two nickels. Which isn't a lot, but weird that it happened twice.

AAHH, ty both for asking for this baby boy was so close to being fucked in S3 (fuck the twins tho) crying and leg lifted and EVERYTHING. Let's give him what he wanted! I hope you enjoy reading this MWUAH

Pegging x Alucard

Alucard had been pacing around the castle, waiting for you to get back from your shopping. He decided today was the day he’d bring it up--even though he was absolutely scared shitless. He didn’t think you’d judge him for it...well, kind of. But it was a terrifying thing to ask, the darker parts of his brain telling him that you’d think him less of a man, that you should leave him, that you couldn’t look at him the same way again. It was all stupid, and empty fears, he knew that. But he couldn’t help but fear it all the same. When he heard the door creak open steeled himself and just went for it (after he helped with the groceries!) 

“Hello, my love, how was your trip?” He placed a chaste kiss on your lips, grabbing the baskets you’ve brought along with you for the various meats and vegetables. “ Hmm, good. Happy to be back home.” Your soft voice and bright smile always made his heart nearly stop in his chest. God, how would he bring it up? He stayed quiet until everything was put away, a little too quiet really. “Honey, are you okay?” He flinched at the question, internally cursing himself for being so jumpy. “Ah, yes, well ah--” Deep breath, big boy. “I have a...request. I just...it’s a little embarrassing.” You gave him a moment, taking his hand in yours with a small smile. “Whatever it is, you can say it Adrian. You know I won’t judge you.” Here goes nothing.

“I want you to peg me.”

....did you hear that right?

You blinked at him for a moment, trying to process what he said. “You want me to...”

“Yes, well, I’ve been thinking about this for the last few weeks and--”

“Weeks?”

“--and I think I’m ready to ask you, of course you can say no it’s not that big of a deal--”

“Adrian.”

“But I think I’d like to try--”

“Adrian”

“--Actually never mind we can forget this conversation happened--”

“Adrian!”

He stopped his nonsense just for a moment to look at you, your smile turning into a less than innocent smirk on your face, and he swore you had horns growing from your head.

“Whatever my baby boy wants, he gets.” Ah, fuck

-

“B-baby please, a-ah fuck! Feels go-od” Alucard had been babbling on about how good you were making him feel from the moment he felt your lubed up fingers poking and prodding at his hole. It was a work in progress, going slow each second to make sure you both were still comfortable with what was happening. But any awkward tension quickly flew out the window when the dhampir started whimpering from your ministrations of the first finger. You couldn’t help but get wet, seeing him so pliable already and you’ve barely begun. “Adrian, you should have told me sooner you wanted this~” You cooed, adding a second finger into his ass, waiting for him to get accustomed before fucking them deeper into his hole. “Look at you, so desperate already.” Alucard grabbed at you, embarrassed at how whiney he was, shutting himself up by kissing you and hoping he could catch his bearings. You nipped at his lower lip, slipping your tongue into his mouth as you fingered him, finally adding a third finger and hearing his wanton moans like a bitch in heat. “You sound so slutty, pretty boy. You want me to fuck you?” You peppered kisses across his face, trailing down his neck and chest until finding purchase on a cute pink nipple. He nodded, arching himself closer to you. He nearly cried when you stopped your movements to look at him expectantly. “I need to hear you Adrian. Do you still want this?” 

Ah, a moment of doubt creeping into your face. You needed the reassurance. “Yes, yes, please don’t stop. I need you to fuck me.” His face flush with need, wiggling his hips to urge you to continue. That was all you needed to hear. You smiled at him, like you always do, and laved a wet stripe over his nipple once more, curling and scissoring your fingers to make sure he was properly prepped for the strap you currently had on. “Doing so well, taking my fingers sweet boy. Gonna take good care of you, I promise.” Your sweet words had him in a daze, panting underneath you and legs nearly trembling with anticipation. You leaned back onto your knees, taking the bottle of lube and lathering up, and Alucard couldn’t take his eyes off you. Seeing your body already made him hot, he loved looking at your naked. You were absolutely perfect. But seeing you like this--domineering, hovering above him with what he deemed your cock in your hands, slowly stroking it to make sure it was covered in lube for his comfort, made his head spin. He whimpered, opening his legs more ready to take you. “Aw,” you cooed “such a good boy for me” You lined yourself up with his entrance, teasing at his hole. “You want my cock?” This time you were simply teasing him, smirking. “Please, angel I need it” 

You pushed him, stretching his ass so deliciously with the cock strapped he couldn’t help but cry out. “Fuck, Adrian, I can have you like this for hours baby. You look so good, so fucking good.” You praised, goosebumps raising on his skin with every sweet word. “A-Angel, keep going please” He whined, bucking his hips in hopes for more friction. You complied, pulling out to the tip only to slam back in, biting your lower lip when you heard how whorish he sounded. You thought you could cum just from the view and sounds alone. You pushed down until your hips were flush with his, hands grabbing at his hips and angling yourself until you saw the tears streaming down his face and eyes rolling to the back of his head.

“Feels so good, feels so so good, fu-uck darling I can’t, please please please don’t stop.” Adrian let go all inhibitions, just focusing on the pleasure as you fucked deep into his hole, bumping your cock onto his prostate so nicely it made him see stars. He felt a hand caress at his face, wiping away the tears. He could make out some of the words you were saying, but his ears were ringing and he kept moaning and whimpering as you fucked him. Words like ‘good boy’, ‘so pretty’ , ‘slutty baby’. He couldn’t take it, the feeling so fucking good he begged to let him touch himself (you never told him no to begin with). 

“Go ahead, sweet boy, touch yourself while I fuck you.” 

A hand immediately wrapped around his painfully hard cock, pre-cum globs dribbling down his shaft. His movements were jerky, but he didn’t care. The pleasure of you fucking him deep and hard with his hand fisting at his cock, Alucard wasn’t going to last very long now. His words all jumbled together, simply nonsense babbling away as the knot tightened in his stomach. “Go ahead and cum for me, darling boy.” You whispered, unsure if he could even hear with how noisy he was. You burned the image into your mind, hoping he’d let you do this again if you asked nicely. You fucked into him as quickly as you could, movement so unnatural for you but you couldn’t help but want to do better for your sweet boy. He breath hitched as ropes of cum decorated his stomach and chest, cock twitching in his hand as he stuttered out how good he felt. 

Sweat dripped from his brow, smile plastered on his face with a dazed, fucked out look in his eyes. He looked at you adoringly, reaching up at you to bring you down for a kiss which you happily complied. Slowly you slipped out, not wanting to hurt him in any way, not breaking the kiss. “Thank you, thank you...” he murmured with each kiss, nuzzling at your nose. “Let’s get you cleaned up, sweet boy, then rest.” You parted to take off the strap, barely having time to remove it from your hips before he stopped you from moving any further from him. You cocked a brow, unsure of what he wanted next. 

“You didn’t think I wasn’t going to return the favor, did you?”

[lostbetweenvampiresandmusic]

13 & 15 with David Please. ❤️ 💙

13. "It's only forever, love. Not long at all."

15. "You're my sun."

Thanks for requesting! I hope you'll like this!

-----------------------------------------

Outside, a heavy storm was raging over the small coastal town. Inside, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't seem to keep the candles burning. Every time I lit a knew one, the other would be blown out by a new gust of wind. I sighed, dropping the matches onto the fountain edge. Today had been a bad day. They just happen sometimes. You wake up, and you just feel off. Or sad. And you can ignore it for a while, but in the end, sometimes that sadness wins and all you really need is just a big hug and some nice warmth.

I blamed it on the stress from the last couple of days. David had told me that his sire, Max, had found out about my existence and that he demanded that I'd change. Then there was the time limit Max had set. I had to be a half vampire before the end of the week, or else he'd kill me. I had to admit that it frightened me. Of course, I knew David would protect me if he could, but he couldn't go against his sire. And even though I considered myself in the future to be one of the undead, I always thought it would happen in the far future. When I'd gotten a bit older, wiser, a bit more me.

Apparently, today, the lack of working candles had been the final straw. I'd dropped the matches and closed my eyes with a heavy sigh. Warmth flooded me when I felt two strong arms wrap themselves around me.

"I got you, kitten."

I leaned against him, smiling softly as I breathed in his smell. I didn't know if it was his mere presence or him using some of his hypnosis to calm me down, but I slowly felt my stress lessen.

"You're back early."

"I figured you didn't want to be alone." He looked at me, sighing softly. "I know this isn't what you wanted."

I nodded. He looked at me with a serious expression.

"If you don't do this, he is going to force me to kill you."

"What?" I looked at him, disbelieve written all over my face. "He- that absolute fucking-"

David chuckled, using one of the matches I'd dumped on the fountain edge to lit his cigarette.

"I'd rather die than do that to you."

I froze, warmth flooding my cheeks. I swallowed, looking at him with a small smile. "You really mean that, don't you?"

He sat there, next to me, looking uncharacteristically soft. Then, as if he had trouble admitting it, he looked at me like I was his whole world. At that moment I realised that maybe I was. It felt nice, realising by a mere expression that he possibly loved me as much as I loved him.

"You're my sun." He said softly. I took his hand in mine, squeezing it softly.

"I want you to change me. I don't want to leave you, and I don't want you to be forced to do what he forces you to."

"Kitten, you-"

"It needs to happen, and I mean - it does scare me, terrifies me, actually. But I can't let you get hurt because I'm scared."

My voice was a little shaky when I ended my sentence, and if it wasn't for the tender kiss I'd received afterwards, I'm pretty sure I would have broken down crying. But he was here, and he cared. He cared so much that he was even idiotic enough to be willing to die for me. That fool, as if I could live without him.

"You won't be alone, when you turn. I'll be with you."

"Every step of the way, right?" I asked, remembering how he had promised me that shortly after we'd discussed me changing for the first time.

"Yes."

"I love you, David."

"I know."

I laughed, stealing his cigarette from him. "I think it would be nice, spending immortality together."

"Yeah? Why?" He asked, in a way that made clear to me that he agreed.

"Well," I smiled at him, "it's only forever, love."

"Not long at all," he said softly, taking his cigarette back. "We'll just have to make the most of it."

"As if that's hard," I teased, sighing contendly as I leaned against him.

[yourmomwhitediamond]

Could I please request Rosie with a girlfriend who has a seizure in the middle of tea time? I had one yesterday and hit my head on the counter. Thankfully, I didn't bite my tongue for once.

Of course. I'm so sorry you had one, I'm guessing it was a tonic-clonic. I hope you recover soon. Make sure to get lots of sleep. Sending you my love x

Since I don't know what your warning signs or symptoms are (if you get any) before a seizure I'll base the build-up to the seizure on mine. I'd also like to say I haven't gone into depth with the description of the seizure itself. Please let me know if you'd like me to rewrite it because of this.

Includes: epilepsy/tonic clonic seizure, cannibalism and slight mention of death.

Tea time with Rosie was going as wonderful as ever, gossiping over your meal of several limbs. The main focus of the conversation was Susan and how she was being as irritating as ever. Everything was going smoothly.

Then you paused in the middle of raising food to your mouth, the dreaded feeling of a seizure coming. For a second you waited and rapidly blinked your eyes, praying it was a false alarm that would pass, but it didn't. You couldn't focus on Rosie's voice or features. Everything started to morph and distort. Her words repeated over and over in your mind like deja vu. It was as if you were caught in a reoccurring nightmare every time. Tears already threatened to spill as you felt it growing worse by the second. Muttering 'no' under your breath repeatedly

Rosie went silent at the sound of your food clattering against the plate and your murmer,"Darling?"

You covered your ears, signalling her to be silent and scrunched your eyes shut in a desperate attempt to stop the tricks your eyes were playing on you. The feeling of your head swirling forced a whimper from your throat. You were terrified. Every seizure felt like it was the last moment of your life.

You didn't want this to happen. You never wanted it to.

You heard Rosie's steps echo in your head and then the sudden feeling of her hands on your shoulder that made you flinch. She knew physical contact was out of the question in moments like this, but you needed to be guided elsewhere before it got worse. There was no chance she would leave you in that seat where you could fall and hit your head. That had happened in the past, with your first seizure. Any further injury during the seizure would cause more pain, she wanted to avoid that at all costs.

She laid you on your left side and went off to grab something to put under your head. By the time she had returned your small focal seizure had escalated into a tonic clonic. Her heart ached at the sight. Rosie could never get used to this, and neither could you. When she had settled your head on the pillow she had gone to fetch she knelt beside you. That's all she could do. Sit and watch your body stiffen and your limbs jerk while your eyes roll back and your lips turn blue. She so desperately wanted to cradle you in her arms and whisper that all would be well as she ran her fingers through your hair.

Even when you woke she couldn't do that. She would have to wait until you had calmed and fallen asleep, unless your stomach decided otherwise. It was unlikely you'd be sick, but the chance of it happening wasn't zero.

When you did come around and come to terms with what happened tears pricked at your eyes. The migraine had already started to settle in at the back of your eyes and so had the pain of inner cheeks from the gnashing. Thankfully, not your tongue this time.

Then you forgot it all. Your mind went blank but Rosie knew what was coming.

"What happened?" You asked in a daze, lifting your head then feeling the aching in your body.

"You've had a seizure, my sweet"

Your head flopped back as Rosie's words sunk and that process repeated a couple more times. You'd stare off momentarily, forgetting everything that had occurred, ask Rosie what had happened, and have a little cry. This part would determine how much the seizure had affected you, and with how many times this action repeated she gathered it would take you some time to fully recover. Perhaps a day or two at the least.

Once everything slipped from your mind one last time and you fell asleep Rosie moved you. With a hand under your legs and the second behind your back, she carried you to the bedroom making sure your limp head rested on her shoulder.

Only you were set down safely on the bed did she change you into some nightwear, the most embarrassing process of the seizures in your opinion. Yes, Rosie is your girlfriend and she had seen your body before, but that didn't make it any less humiliating. She handled you as like fine china or a porcelain doll, despite knowing not a single noise or movement would wake you. She tucked you into bed moving the few stray strands of hair behind your ear and pressed her lips against your temple.

Despite not wanting to leave your side she had to go clear the table and fetch the pain relief medication you'd be needing in the morning. She was quick to do those things and return to you.

At first, she sat in a chair facing the bed, reading whilst she watched over you, but she later decided she couldn't let you lay there alone with no comfort, so she got herself ready for bed. There was no reason she couldn't get some shuteye beside you, it was neither late nor early, therefore the perfect time to settle down for the night.

With herself changed for sleeping and your medication and drink on the bedside table, she snuggled up to you. She was the big spoon, as per usual. Her arms found purchase around your stomach and her face buried into your neck. She sighed, relieved you were still with her, and shut her eyes to join you in sleep.

For anyone who doesn't understand the description I have given for the seizure. Most of the time there is a lot of teeth grinding (in tonic-clonic/grand mals), resulting in the person's tongue and inner cheeks being bitten (sometimes causing bleeding). Around the lips will go blue, but that doesn't mean they're choking (unless they aren't on their side), so don't put your fingers in their mouth otherwise you'll get yourself hurt. You shouldn't restrain the twitching/jerking, try to wake them, move them during the seizure (unless absolutely necessary) or give them any food and drink until they have fully come around. Always lay the person on their side, in the recovery position. If they get to the five minute mark call an ambulance. SUDEP isn't common but can happen (research says 1 in 1000 people with epilepsy will die). Seizures aren't just about flashing lights and body jerking. There are different triggers and so many more types of seizures, each are different in their own way. They are embarrassing for the person and rob them of their freedom and independence. Please do your research.

[girls-alias]

Dean's Dream P8

Title: Dean's Dream Part 8 Words: 3,688 [Didn't realise how long this chapter was but I hope you enjoy 😁💟] Relations: Dean Winchester X reader. TW: Strong language

Part 7

Y/N's POV:

None of my memory before my coma came back, I learnt to accept that Dean was only a figment of my imagination. Years ago when I had gone looking for Dean I returned home, spoke with my therapist and worked hard to heal. My therapist seemed relieved that I now shared his belief that Dean wasn't real but seemed sad as he recognised that all I had been fighting for was gone. I had a rocky recovery, often mourning the anniversary as it passed me by.

It's been 4 years now. I still think of him, I still think I see him in crowds but it isn't as frequent as it used to be. I isolated myself from the world, even a short walk to the shop was upsetting to me as seeing happy couples or thinking I see Dean shakes me to my core. I haven't had the strength to say his name out loud since I came back from Salt Lake City and doubt I ever will. My soul is empty and no matter how hard I fight, I know there is no one cheering me on or smiling that I'm still here. I'm a shell of a person and doubt I will ever truly be happy because my happiness wasn't real.

I sat in my apartment crying for the billionth time, hugging my pillow tight to my chest. Closing my eyes as I picture Dean hugging and comforting me like I always did. Knowing he'd never truly be here.

Dean's POV:

Life feels like a blur. Once Sam and I left Salt Lake City, I isolated myself a little, finding comfort in being alone and imagining she was real. I would often find myself talking in an empty room, imagining she was with me but as soon as I was distracted, she was gone. The breakdowns it caused only hurt more because like in the dream she felt real.

Even after 4 years, Sam is still worried about me. We barely talked about her and it took me a while to get back to my normal life. I was never fully healed as every time I went back and was alone it reminded me that the perfect woman wasn't waiting for me. She wasn't real and I need to learn to accept it. There was a time, on a hunt, when we saved a girl from a burning building and she said Y/N was still inside. I rushed in, looked everywhere and it messed me up. I was burnt, I inhaled smoke and found that she wasn't my Y/N. It ruined me as it reminded me that my Y/N isn't mine and she isn't real. I'll never find her and she'll never be in my arms.

She made me a better man, I never kissed anyone after her, never even thought anything sexual for anyone but her. Sam thinks it's not good to still miss her but has used it to our advantage at times. His most painful one was when we got caught by a group of demons, we had fought as best as we could but were defeated. I gave up so deeply that I didn't even make sarcastic comments or insults. They had beaten us until we were barely conscious, blood and bruises covering us as we sat tied to the chairs.

"Dean, they threatening her," Sam tried.

"What?" I asked confused thinking it was some code I couldn't decipher. The group of demons looked at Sam confused.

"If they kill you, Y/N dies too. They're going to kill her," I filled with rage. I know he's just trying to get my fight back but he doesn't have to hurt me in the process.

"Y/N, huh?" A demon asked approaching me with a smirk. "Oh, Dean's in love. Don't worry, Sam right. I'm going to find her, I am going to pull her nails, her teeth, her hair out. She'll scream for your help but you'll already be dead." The demon smirked. I clenched my jaw and fists. I blacked out from the rage poisoning my veins.

The darkness cleared as I stood, beneath me were all the demon's bodies. I must have gone crazy with my anger as Sam looked terrified. I didn't know I had the strength to even stand never mind fight the group of them and win. I'd untied Sam, punching him in the stomach for manipulating my emotions.

Y/N's POV:

I sighed putting my headphones on, it was time to leave again and I was taking the necessary steps to allow me the strength to leave the house. I walked to therapy, head low, hood up as I made my way there, I ignored the world around me. Once in his office, he smiled reassuringly.

"How've you been this week?" Noah asked, opening his file to start taking notes. I sighed as I slumped back in my seat.

"Same as always," My tone flat, like usual. Noah nodded as he wrote in the file.

"So, no memories." He spoke to himself as he wrote. We'd given up hope that the memories would come back but always asked on the off chance. "How many times have you thought you'd seen Dean this week?" He asked looking at me deeply. I sighed, my eyes closing from the pain squeezing my heart and throat making it hard to speak.

"4," I admitted, he nodded, watching me. Waiting for me to explain.

We were just wrapping up our 2-hour session when Noah walked me to the door. "Oh, have you decided where you're going on your trip?" He asked nonchalantly. I shrugged. "Do you think Salt Lake City?" He asked, shocking me. We haven't mentioned Salt Lake since I got back. Why bring it up now?

"I hadn't thought of it, why?" I asked but he shrugged.

"Just thought you might have fun. I'll see you in two weeks," He added. I walked out confused. I started walking home wondering why on Earth he had thought that. I put my headphones on as I walked, my eyes staying low.

Dean's POV:

I pulled up to the diner Sam and I were going for lunch as a break from the case. I was in a world of my own as Sam talked about the case. My mind only went to Y/N as I wondered about going back to Salt Lake City. I don't know why but I felt a strong urge to go back and check if she was there on the off chance.

"Are you even listening?" Sam asked grabbing my attention. I looked up at him as he stared expectantly. I rolled my eyes at him but froze. Y/N! Looking out the diner window, and over Sam's shoulder I saw her walking past. I had seen her hundreds of times but this felt different, the sun was reflecting on her face, her hair softly blowing in the wind.

"Do you see her?" I asked Sam quickly, not taking my eyes off her in case she disappeared. Sam turned around and shrugged. She's fake. Just my imagination hurting me again. Sam turned back looking a little confused only confirming that she wasn't real.

"The hot girl?" He asked, I quickly looked at him, eyes wide before rushing up from my seat. "Dean?" Sam called after me as I hurried through the diner, dodging people as I rushed to the door. I swung it open, running after her. She's real. She has to be real.

"Y/N," I shouted, probably louder than I should have but she didn't react. I stopped in my tracks, it mustn't be her. I sighed as I watched the back of her hair, tears filling my eyes as I was once again reminded she wasn't real. She stopped at the edge of the path. She looked to the left, checking there were no cars. I saw she had headphones on and still looked like her. I gasped, resuming to run after her. What do I even say to her? What if she has no idea who I am? I just have to introduce myself, if she doesn't know me that's fine. If she's single I'll just flirt and she might fall in love with me.

Y/N's POV:

I checked the road, I know I don't have anything to live for but jumping in front of a car seems excessive. I waited as cars passed, rolling my eyes as I just wanted to be home. Crying into my pillow and thinking of Dean. I jumped slightly when I felt a hand on my shoulder, I took an earphone out as I turned around. Something must have fallen out of my pocket or something. I turned to see a very hopeful-looking Dean. The air in my lungs left. I was frozen in place.

He smiled, admiring me. Is it Dean or does he just look like him? I was in a coma, there's no way he was in the dream with me.

"Hi," He finally said. From his starstruck expression, It seemed like he knew me. I smiled softly, admiring the green eyes I had forgotten the details of over time. God, they're even better than I remember. I bit my lip as I watched him. Maybe I should say something. What do I say?!

Third-person POV:

Dean admired her, seeing her in front of him was surreal to him. He had imagined, he had dreamed and hallucinated she was real but here she was and he couldn't believe it. Neither could she.

"I don't want to sound crazy so, hi, I'm -"

"Dean?" She questioned, although she hadn't said his name in 3 years it still slipped from her tongue like silk. Her eyes filled as she recognised saying his name healed her heart a little. It was all the confirmation he needed to know she was real, she was in the dream and she loved him. He smiled a wide grin as he looked at her. She smiled brightly, recognising it was really his name and he was there.

He wasn't sure what to do now, he had dreamed of meeting her but now he felt nervous knowing she might be different from her dream. 4 years have passed, maybe she moved on. He wanted to do something, offer to spend time with her but he doesn't know what to do.

"Are you single?" She asked, he looked at her a little confused.

"Yeah," He responded a little confusion showing in his tone.

"Good," She smiled. Her hands moved to him, quickly. Her hands are on the back of his neck as she pulls him in. Their lips connect in a passionate kiss. Dean's hands found her waist, pulling her deeper into him, deepening the kiss. She smiled against his lips, Dean soon doing the same. Finally, in each other's arms, hearts healed. The kiss felt the same as all those years ago, the love still there, the way they kissed the same way but this time was different because they had waited so long and both believed it would never happen again. Dean's hand moved to her cheek, holding her as if she might disappear again. They continued the kiss even as Sam approached them, confusion riddling with his expression.

From Sam's perspective it looked as though Dean had simply wanted the hot girl as she passed the diner, now that he's followed him he expected to see him flirting, trying to get her number. And yet, Dean is making out with a seemingly stranger. He wondered if losing Y/N had finally made him go mad.

"Hello?" Sam exclaimed, unsure of what to say. Dean knew instantly it was Sam and he should probably pull away from the kiss to introduce them but he's waited 4 years for this and didn't want it to ever end. Not after his heart was so broken before. She pulled away, much to Dean's dismay. She smiled at him before turning to Sam. Her mouth dropped open as she rushed to hug him.

"Sammy!" She exclaimed excitedly. Her best friend is finally here. She missed having him to talk to, he always listened without judgment and was great at giving advice. Sam looked at Dean confused as she hugged him, he hugged back to be polite once he noticed Dean's eyes admiring her as he smiled brighter than he'd ever seen him smile before. The wheels in his head turned slowly but once he realised he pulled away to look at her. He cupped her face in his hands, looking her over. His mind was swamped with how she could be real or if she was a deceitful monster. She smiled brightly, chuckling slightly.

"Wow, don't kiss my girlfriend," Dean commented, getting closer to move Sam's hands from her face. Dean and she shared a telling smile at his words. Dean wrapped his arms over her shoulder, keeping her close to him as he kissed the top of her head.

"Hi, I'm Y/N. I assume you don't know me but we were best friends," She introduced holding her hand out to him. Sam smiled, shaking her hand.

"We didn't think you were real, I saved Dean but you weren't there," He explained, confusing her slightly. Her eyebrows furrowed softly as she looked at him. "The Djinn, that's how you were in the dream, how did you get out?" He asked, now convinced she wasn't real just some kind of shapeshifter or demon. She has to be.

"I was in a coma for 3 months, that's how I was dreaming of Dean. What do you mean Gin?" She asked, Dean glared at Sam as he had made the encounter awkward and probably confusing to her.

"Go back to the diner, we'll be there soon," Dean instructed to Sam as if warning him that if he stayed he would hurt him. Sam hesitated. When he didn't move Dean rolled his eyes. "Just get her the same as me, we'll be there soon," Sam thought it was a bad idea. It's probably a monster or demon messing with Dean's emotions.

"We need to do the tests," Sam said quietly to Dean as if she couldn't hear him but she did and was confused. Tests? She thought. Dean groaned, tipping his head back, done with Sam.

"We'll do them in the diner, walk away," Dean instructed warningly. Sam hesitated but made his way back to the diner.

Y/N looked at Dean confused but he smiled and she couldn't stop herself from smiling back. He guided her to a bench where they sat close to each other. Dean faced her as he held her hand in his lap. She waited patiently for him to explain.

"You're understanding and I shouldn't doubt you wouldn't believe me but you just have to let me explain okay?" He asked, she worried slightly but nodded knowing he was the same Dean she would have trusted with her life. He smiled at her movement, squeezing her hand slightly to calm his nerves. Knowing she was real was enough to give him the strength to explain. "Sam and I, in this world. We hunt monsters," He hesitated as she looked at him confused. Waiting patiently for him to explain, he smiled knowing she was willing to listen. "Monsters, demons, angels, they're all real and Sammy and I save people from them. The Djinn, Sam mentioned. They abducted me and they have the power to put you in your dream life, my life with you, but Sam saved me and I woke up. I searched for you but I couldn't find you and I even tried to get abducted again to see you but I couldn't," He explained, holding her hands close as he feared she would pull them away and leave again.

He watched as her eyes wandered around, thinking. She was clearly confused and startled by the information and Dean grew anxious as he waited for her response. She nodded softly, processing it.

"So you were put in your dream life by a monster?" She asked slowly, Dean gulped, eyes filling as he feared she would call him crazy. His breath quickened as he nodded, not able to say a word. His heart preparing to break. "Okay," She added, nodding and smiling softly. He was confused, startled almost at her response. His eyebrows furrowed as he admired her. She chuckled softly. She moved her right hand from his, his disappointment written across his face but her hand moved to his cheek, filling him with hope and love. "Dean, I was in a coma and dreamed of our lives together, I spent 3 years thinking I made you up and thinking I was insane. Knowing you're real and you were in the dream too is also crazy so it only makes sense that crazy things caused it." She explained, rubbing her thumb on his cheek slightly as he instantly felt eased. He sighed, smiling brightly. Leaning in to kiss her. She smiled into the kiss, her hand moving from his cheek to the back of his neck as his hands moved to her hips.

He lifted her from her seat, sitting her on his lap so she was straddling him. She giggled against his lips. "We're in public," She explained leaning back to smile at him but his bright smile never wavered.

"I don't care. I finally found you, they can look all they want," He explained before his hand moved to her cheek, pulling her in and back on his lips. She smiled as she kissed him. They sat making out for a while before Dean pulled away. She looked at him confused but he chuckled, tucking some hair behind her ear as he admired her. "I'm getting too excited," He explained making her giggle as she realised his meaning. She nodded, moving to get off of his lap but his hands anchored her back down. She giggled as she looked at him confused. "Give it a minute," He commented making her laugh as she blushed. He smiled, taking the time to admire her. "Why didn't you believe I was real for only 3 years and not 4?" He asked curiously. She smiled just from hearing his voice.

"I woke up after we kissed and believed you were real. Even when everyone was telling me it was a dream. 1 year after I woke up I went to Salt Lake City to look for you. I waited outside the house we had, Sam's wasn't there anymore and went to a cafe and finally believed you weren't real," She explained sadly. Dean perked up at her words chuckling softly.

"May 3rd?" He asked making her chuckle.

"Yeah, you woke up at the same time?" She asked but he smiled.

"I woke up after the kiss as well. I did the same thing. We must have missed each other," He explained not realising how close they had been to meeting all those years ago. They smiled, sharing another kiss before they stood. They walked hand in hand back to the diner.

"I love you," Dean confessed as he stopped at the door. She smiled brightly.

"I love you too," She admitted with a soft chuckle. He kissed her again feeling like he needed to kiss her enough to make up so much lost time. She smiled against his lips finally feeling that she had her reason to live again.

They walked into the diner, returning to Sam as his spine straightened at their presence. She smiled warmly as she slid into the booth, Dean soon following her and holding a hand on her thigh needing physical contact at all times. He held the top of his hand as she smiled at Sam. Sam looked at them slightly confused.

"We can do the tests if you want?" She questioned, he smiled softly before going into his bag.

"You tell her?" Sam asked, Dean smirked as he looked at her admiringly.

"Yep, just as understanding as before," He commented making her smile as she blushed. He kissed her sweetly but she pulled away quicker than he wanted.

"You won't remember but we had rules about PDA in front of Sam," She commented but Dean groaned, his head tipping back but smile never fading.

"You don't mind do you, Sammy?" He asked, prompting Sam to agree but Sam's face didn't confirm it. She chuckled as she shook her head.

"You've waited 4 years, you can wait till we're alone," She commented but Dean smirked.

"Oh, you want to be alone with me," Dean teased making her laugh. She playfully rolled her eyes as Dean smirked.

Sam did the tests finding she was clean and real. He instantly calmed, wanting to know everything she remembered about the dream as they ate once their food arrived. He admired how Dean watched her, how they seemed to quickly fall into a routine and comfort. He slid his drink to her, and she picked out the lime and placed the pickles from her burger on his plate, both acting as though this was normal even though in reality they had just met. Sam's smile never faded as he watched the scene.

Once they had finished eating Dean draped his arm over her shoulder, holding her close as he admired her telling the story of Sam's birthday, Dean giving input on his perspective as he was present at the time. She smiled brightly as he spoke, admiring him, memorising all she had forgotten.

Neither knew love would be this simple or happy. Both realising the wait was worth it and souls returned as their closeness brought the joy in and sorrow out. Sam couldn't have imagined how Dean would be around her, never seeing his brother in love before made it seem even more surreal to him. Dean often stole short but sweet kisses, his smile never leaving his lips. She held her hand on his thigh as he drew patterns on her shoulder. She rested close to him, happy for the first time since she woke up.

Masterlist

[kairiscorner]

˗ˏˋ ✮ kairi's AUtober !

day 4: villain miguel o'hara

content warnings! mentions of strangulation and mild violence. please scroll away if you are uncomfortable with reading these themes ^^

"i don't... want to do this." you murmur as you're gripping his throat in your hand, loosening it up ever so slightly to give him room to breathe, but not enough to get him out of your grasp. he was a terrifying foe to go up against, one you never expected to go head to head with like this—not ever in the three decades that you've known him, because... you can't find a single speck of his soul in those eyes of his. his eyes, his bright, burgundy eyes reflect his thirst; his thirst that he's quelled for ages ever since that lab accident that gave him his powers happened. you wish you noticed the signs, the signs that he was trying to call for help, to call for company, to call for... somebody, anybody to help him.

but nobody came.

it's because nobody came, nobody even tried to understand what he was undergoing... he became a known threat to the entire city of nueva york.

he became your... enemy.

he sighed as he slowly grabbed at your wrist, nearly snapping it cleanly off your arm as he stared deeply into your eyes with his own crimson ones—his unsympathetic, cold glare shattered your heart as you whimpered slightly in pain as his grip on your wrist tightened, and your grip around his neck loosened and came off entirely, giving him the upper hand again. "and that's where you're weak, where you're... painfully wrong." he mutters as he gets off of you and strangles you this time around. tears are pricking your eyes as he chokes you, with you grasping at his hand that's tightening around your neck, wheezing out a begging cry of, 'this isn't you' to him in hopes he'd snap out of it, that he'd be the nerdy, stuck-up dork you befriended all those years back; the boy who always took responsibility for you, who always corrected your every mistake, the boy who tried his hardest to defend you even though he was a scrawny little twig, and...

the boy you fell in love with, and never stopped loving.

the tears streamed down your cheeks as you took in shaky breaths and exhaled out, "i'm... sorry...".

"i'm sorry i never... noticed... you were suffering... i'm sorry... if i could change the... narrative, if i could... change everything that... ever made you hurt this much... you know... i'd do it, all of it, i-in a... heartbeat..." you choked out, feeling his grip around your neck tightening ever so slightly. his eyebrows knitted together and his nose crinkled, his nostrils flared, and the corners of his lips were downturned. he grunted and, for some reason, let go of your neck entirely; allowing you to breathe in and cough, recuperating your airways.

you kept mumbling apologies as the tears kept flowing down your cheeks, and your lips quivered, making you stutter out your hastily put together apologies for too many reasons that kept filling your mind with every second that passed. miguel turned his back to you and heaved, his back rising and falling as he took every breathe in and every breathe out—and when he heard you mumble out another apology... he lost it. "shut up!" he exclaimed as he bared his fangs and unsheathed his claws and turned his head around over his shoulder to face you. he snarled under his breath and fought the urge to come closer to you, because though his intentions were not evil, he couldn't tell if they were any good; he had feared who he became, he loathed the beast he had become after that accident.

to say that you, one of the most kind-hearted, loving, self-sacrificing people in his life with a truly pure and good heart would really take his place and become a monster... it made him hate himself even more for putting that thought in your head with his mere appearance, his mere existence. he grunted and turned away from you, preparing to leave into the night yet again and to, hopefully, never cross paths with you again so he wouldn't have to fear hurting you this way again. "...don't ask to take my place, you don't deserve it." "then what... do i deserve, if not your... pain? the pain you never deserved nor asked for..." "you... deserve a better life." he answered simply, looking away from you all the while. "a life without a monster being your the bane of your existence, the one thing anchoring you to the past you should be moving on from." he added, a slight crack in his voice was heard by you, causing you to jolt up and for your eyes to widen. "are you... really saying that i..." "should forget me? pretty much." he whispered as he took off into the night, riding away with the wind as he swung off and just... disappeared.

he hopes that even if the multiverse couldn't grant him a peaceful future nor life with you, it could at least guarantee him that you'd live a peaceful future without him, a terrifying, horrible monster that haunts every innocent citizen of nueva york and slinks in the shadows where he can only live in now and only remember the tidbits of his old life when he was truly happy, truly with you... as long as he's no longer in your life—that's... all he wants.

tags !! @miguelswifey04 @hearts4gabri @hisachuu @wreakingmarveloushavok @fictarian @yuridopted0 @simsrandomstuff @luvstarrstruck @popeheywardssecretgf @meeom @arachnoia @melovetitties @fable-library @ophanimgold @smokeywhalee @capnshtfce

[freakshowtwopointoh]

You wished they'd just listen to you, let you explain.

You'd been hanging out with Andre behind their back, yes, but you needed help setting up the perfect proposal. You'd picked out the ring months ago, keeping it tucked away in an old pair of socks waiting for the perfect day. And they'd seemed so stressed for so long, it just didn't seem like the right time.

But they'd walked in while you were on the phone with Andre and you didn't have a good excuse ready. They knew you were lying and that was proof enough for them.

"Baby, please, just let me-"

"Let you what? Come up with more excuses, find a way to blame me for you being a lying whore? I've been working my ass off, and you're fucking around."

"Jordan, please, I never-"

"Stop fucking lying! Just get out." Their face was cold and angry. You could feel tears running down your face and onto your neck. Why won't they just listen?

"Ok." You said quietly, and you pulled on your coat and left.

You wandered for hours, just hoping that Jordan would call.

You knew you couldn't go home, and Andre was the only one of your friends who lived close enough.

God dammit. This isn't going to help your case with Jordan. You texted Andre nonetheless, almost hoping he wouldn't answer. You passed a motel but it was full.

Yeah u can sleep here

door is open im already in bed

You made your way to Andre's place, feeling the gravel crunch under your sandals.

It was about four am when you collapse onto Andres couch. You fell asleep quickly, praying that everything would sort itself out in the morning.

You'd be fresh out of luck, spending the next two days moping around Andre's place and wandering the nearby area. Trying to think of what you could have done to prevent this. You just wish they hadn't assumed the worst. You'd never cheat on them, especially not with Andre.

You thought about the reservation you had for this evening, and realized with a gut twisting sensation that your biggest worries had changed drastically over the last week. You were no longer worried about if they'd say yes - you didn't think you'd even get to go on a date with them again.

You looked a mess but you didn't care. Your hair was tangled and you were wearing the same clothes you'd left the house in. Not like you're trying to impress anyone, you thought bitterly. You made your way back to Andre's house with an iced latte, and tried to focus on your work. A loud knock came from the door, and you sighed. Andre was at Cate's. He'd smoked you out that morning, listened to you cry, and promised he wouldn't try to contact Jordan. You were terrified he'd make it worse.

"Sorry, Andre's o-" it was Jordan.

"He told me I'd find you here." They pushed past you into the apartment. You just stared at them as they leaned against the kitchen counter. "Interesting choice of couch, all things considered." They looked you up and down. "You look like shit."

You rolled your eyes. "Yeah, my appearance hasn't been at the top of my priorities. Why are you here?" They scoffed.

"I come to hear you out and you're giving me attitude? I'll just leave." They turn to go and you grab their arm.

"Wait, I'm sorry." You take a deep breath. "I should've practiced this, fuck." They laughed slightly at that. "I never did anything with Andre. There's nothing between us, I just needed his help." Jordan rolled their eyes.

"I came to hear you out, not hear more bullshit."

"I'm telling the truth! I needed his help because..." No use keeping it a secret anymore. "Fuck. Because I've been in love with you since day one, and I knew I wanted to spend my life with you since the first morning I woke up in your arms. But I'm me and you're amazing and we've never talked about this stuff before and I just wanted to make you feel as special as you make me feel every day for just one night. So I asked Andre to help me find a ring and set up this thing, and I-i-i didn't .... I was going to do it sooner but you seemed so stressed and I didn't want to make it worse so I needed him to hold on to some things and I'm so sorry J." They were staring at you, mouth agape. They reached into their pocket and pulled out the box.

"This is what made me come around. I couldn't come up with a reason that you'd have this..."

You felt your eyes fill but you got on your knee and took the box from their hands. Here goes.

"Jordan Li. I've been in love with you since the moment we met, and I want to spend the rest of my life by your side. I see all of you and I love all of you. I love the way you dance when you win at a video game, I love the way you love so fiercely. The last few days have just reminded me that I don't want to live without you in my life. I need your smile, your voice greeting me in the morning, your hand in mine. Jordan Li, will you do me the great honor of marrying me and becoming my spouse?" Tears were running down their face as they nodded.

"Of course I'll marry you." Their voice was gruff and now you're both crying as you slide the ring onto their left ring finger. "It's perfect. Now get up and kiss me before I lose my mind." And then you kiss them and it's like nothing had ever gone wrong between you. Their lips were like magic, causing time to stop and the world to become just the two of you. You never wanted to stop kissing them, but when you pulled apart for air you caught a glimpse of the time.

"Holy shit, we can still make our reservations."

"Then let's get your stinky ass in the shower!" They joked. You stuck your tongue out at them. Rude.

"Can we go home? I'm kind of tired of using Andre's toiletries."

"Of course. The puppies miss you - Bread won't stop sleeping on your laundry pile." You smiled at this, and you both went back to get all dolled up to do the proposal dinner backwards. You picked up a full Italian dinner to take to a local park.

"This is the part I was going to have Andre de-" He'd come and set it up anyways. The lights, the blanket, the whiskey, the ice, everything. "How?"

"After we left, I texted him to apologize and asked him to and I quote 'Whatever she wanted you to do before I almost fucked up the best thing that's ever happened to me'" You threw your arms around them, almost knocking them over. "I owe you an apology, love. I shouldn't have assumed the worst, and I definitely was way too harsh. I'm sorry, love, I'm so sorry. You were right, I've been so stressed. It's so easy to let my insecurities get the better of me." They shook their head, and you rested your hand on their face and held them before kissing them softly.

"I love you."

"I love you, too."

You walked them to a spot on the blanket, and began serving them a plate of pasta, revealing the secret stash of olive garden breadsticks you'd made Andre buy. And you spent the night laughing, drinking, and kissing. Dessert was cannolis and the most beautiful infused pre-roll you'd been able to find.

It was almost two when you began cleaning up, mainly because you didn't want to keep your hands off of them any longer. When you finally made it through the front door, you grabbed their collar and pulled them in for a kiss, desperately grabbing at their shirt. You begin to unbutton it, begging your hands to work properly. They gently pull your hands off and spin you around to remove your dress. They suck a breath in when they see your lacy matching baby blue lingerie.

"This I picked out myself, just for you." You murmur, and they almost growl.

"Good. I don't like the idea of anyone even imagining you like this. You're mine." They drag their fingers along your side, long nails scratching your skin. They grab your hand and pull you into your bedroom.

"Get on the bed, baby. Let me see you." You shyly lay back on the bed. "My pretty girl." Later, Jordan would tie you down and leave bite marks, scratches, and hickies all over your skin. But for now, all they wanted was to make you scream their name until your voice gave out. They knelt before you.

"You ready, princess?" And without waiting for an answer, their teeth were pulling those pretty little panties off of you and their tongue was teasing your clit. "Already so wet for me. Bet you've been missing this, missing how I can make you feel."

"Yes. Fuck, you've ruined me, J, no one-" you wanted to keep dirty talking them, but they pushed two of their long, delicate fingers inside of you, curling them to reach the perfect spot as their tongue continued to work it's magic, and all you could do was moan and scream: "Jordan!" Before falling apart completely, clenching around their fingers and leaving their face covered in your cum. You were still coming down from your high when they went to grab something, but you had enough wits about you to watch as they removed their button down and unbuckled their belt. After being with them for years, it was almost pavlovian the way the sound of their belt unbuckling or their fly unzipping could turn you on. You whimpered when they revealed the strapless strap they were wearing.

"You gonna take this for me, baby? You gonna be a good girl for daddy and take my cock?"

You were sinking further and further into subspace with each word.

"Yes, daddy! I can take it."

They laid the strap on your entrance, teasing you. Then, they pushed it in all at once.

"Good. Because, I'm going to fuck you all. Night. Long." And they meant it. Sometimes they could fuck you through three or four orgasms each before finally shifting to cum one last time inside of you. Tonight, you came four times on their strap before they shifted, feeling their grip become immovable as they hold you down against the bed.

"Daddy, please!" They captured your lips in theirs before tensing up, thrusting into you and cumming deep inside your pussy. You sink your nails into their back, wanting to keep them inside you as long as possible. You felt them soften slowly inside you, and you whimpered softly when they pulled out.

"It's ok, baby, come here." You wiggle over to rest your head on their chest. "You were so good for me. Took my cock so good for so long. I missed hearing you scream my name." You felt heat rise to your cheeks as you buried your head in their chest. "My good baby girl. Go to sleep now, I've got you." And you drifted off to sleep in the arms of your fiance.

[elsfairy]

VULNERABILITY

We all need soft in our lives.

• Being in a new relationship would keep her somewhat closed off. She wouldn't exactly ignore you, but she's protecting herself because it's new to her. She has no idea what she's doing.

• Holding hands, and sharing a few kisses here and there didn't make her uncomfortable, she just didn't need people saying anything. She loved being able to have something. That intimacy part of her being herself, that she could keep with just you.

• She wasn't ashamed of you, or your relationship but she's never let her guard down before. Let alone around you. She was afraid of being hurt.

• She's in control of her life, and everything she has 100% so sharing that with you causes her to panic. She trusts you, but she's never been taken care of before. Or loved.

• The more time she spends with you, she's a lot more comfortable. She doesn't mind when you randomly pop out of nowhere, giving her random gifts and hugs.

• Speaking of gifts, giving her flowers is always the best gift she could ask for. Sometimes you spent a while trying to figure out which ones she didn't like and ones she did, but eventually you got it right. She loves it.

• There is times when you've cooked for the both of you, and when you see that she's eaten all of it, you can never stop yourself by saying a small "good girl" You were happy that she was fed.

• Walks away scoffing at the pet name, but practically runs out the kitchen. blushing.

• Scariest woman in Zaun blushing? now that was a sight you didn't realise you needed but adored.

• Whenever she's more tired than usual, she's needy. If you're busy doing something or reading, then she's throwing that book onto the floor so she can rest her head in your lap. "That was rude⎯ Oh, you're tired baby girl? that's fine. Relax, im here"

• Sevika really enjoyed when you play with her hair. You change between threading your fingers through, or you're tugging gently. It comforted her, and you enjoyed seeing her relaxed.

• Will never admit to you that every pet name you give her, makes her shy. Despite her dismissal of it, you can sense she enjoys them when she looks at you blankly, before turning to shove her face into the pillow.

• "You're really pretty when you blush⎯ Did you just bite me? You are cute! Glaring at me just makes you look cuter"

• Can't ever seem to get a word in without you either kissing all over her face, or calling her beautiful. Literally, she could behalf way through talking about something and your urge to kiss her face gets the best of you, and she's left blushing and stuttering.

• The bedroom was a different conversation entirely. It's not that she didn't trust you, but her sex life was something she controlled. Even though she knew you would never hurt her, she was terrified of letting you in. Literally.

• "Whatever you don't like, we stop. I'd never hurt you. I hope you know that. Just wanna make you feel good, just like you do with me"

• It will take her a while to give up her control. She will fight with her inner demons for hours, even days just to get into the feeling of you doing everything she does to you, to her. Of course she wants you to, she just doesn't know how.

• Gets really flustered at the thought of you fucking her.

• "You promise that we can stop whenever i don't like something?"

• "Yes, in a heartbeat"

• Constantly praising her. You can't go 2 minutes without telling her she's a good girl. That she looks so pretty. Nor can you stop praising her when she's needing, begging for more. She's your perfect girl, and you needed her to know that. You'd give everything to her.

• "You look really beautiful when you cum⎯ Stop hitting me! I'm just being honest⎯ Vika?"

• She becomes overwhelmed at how kind and gentle you are. So you're surprised yet worried you've hurt her when she looks at you, tears running down her face. She's not up angry or upset with you. She's just so in love with you that she's crying.

• You're instantly always taking care of her in these intimate times. Running her a bath is something you do a lot, so when she looks at you dazed, she knows. The small fact that you think about running a bath for her, is another reason she's going to get shy and flustered.

• Enjoyed heavily when you would wash her hair. Your choice in shampoo was also always good. If she could eat her own hair because it smells like strawberries, she would.

• "Sevika, you can't eat it. I know it smells good but beautiful, please stop. If you try, you're going to get sick" That tone in your voice was something she listened to. Instantly putting the bottle down.

• Like mentioned, she's needy and extra clingy when she's tired. No doubt she's trying to steal something of yours. Whether it be one of your large shirts, or even a blanket. Sevika is literally the cutest.

• The second you walk back into your bedroom, she's sitting there on the bed, and a shy smile across her lips. Cuddles. You gave them to her every single night. She never liked them before, but with you she needs them.

• Yes, she was practically the new bottom between you both. But it's okay, because she trusts you.

• Just because she was taller, and bigger than you, it never stopped the fact you were now the big spoon. It was actually adorable. At the start of your relationship, you always wanted to stop being the little spoon but, it was new and you didn't want to cross any lines that would make her uncomfortable.

• Now? she's waiting. She will wait to be cuddled without another word.

• "You're so perfect, i love you⎯ Don't cry, i promise it's okay i won't hurt you"

• Constantly falling asleep when you're playing with her hair. She sleeps a lot better this way.

• Finding ways to wrap your arms more around her body, she didn't like being cold.

• If she gets bored of being spooned. She's going to try her hardest to lay on you. Her face shoved in your neck, whining for you to cuddle her again. Can't help it, she's adorable.

• When she's half asleep, you're always whispering things into her hair. It doesn't matter what, usually it ranges from "I love you" "You're a good girl" "You're beautiful" or a simple "Rest"

• Every day, you fell more in love with her.

I'd apologise for this being long but im not. Im in my soft era. WE NEED SOFT SEVIKA OKAY? My computer took a shit, shut down, had a stroke but im glad this saved or i would have lost my mind, because i wasn't going to re-write this for another 2 hours.

[windswept-fields]

My favorites of 2023

I wanted to make little wrap up of 2023, so here are my favorite movies and performances from 2023

Top Five Favorite movies

#5 The Hunger Games: The Ballad Of Songbirds and Snake - dir. Francis Lawrence

I am a YA/dystopian boy through and through. I thought this was a very faithful adaptation and very visually stunning. The performances were all great and I just really liked it. However, I had my problems with the book itself and I felt the movie didn't do a great job truly villainizing Snow (I found him too likable until like the end of the film) All in all though a fun watch.

#4 Saltburn- Dir. Emerald Fennell

If there's one thing I'm gonna do on this account, It's support a boy's wrongs. This movie has so many visual details and story details, it truly blows my mind. The soundtrack? Banger after banger. I'd never heard Murder on The Dance Floor before this movie but now I want to dance around a mansion to it. The cast? I mean just look at them. I do think occasionally this movie occasionally felt like it was just being shocking for shocking's sake and I got a little tired of it.

#3 Spiderman: Across The Spider-Verse- Dir. Kemp Powers, Justin K. Thompson, and Joaquim Dos Santos

I love art. There's no other way to say it. I am in love with creativity. The amount of details that are in this movie are so utterly mind blowing that every time I read about a new one, I feel like I have to rewatch this movie. The first Spider-verse film is an absolute masterpiece and this movie was not about to disappoint it. From the voice performances to the bleeding-water color, to animating on every other frame, this movie just had me floored. I hope it wins an Oscar for best animated feature or I'm throwing shit. I do want the second part before I fully judge the story but so far I think this is one of the best superhero stories in a while

#2 Barbie- Dir Greta Gerwig

I have never cried harder to a Nikki Minaj song. But actually, this movie made me fall in love with the simple act of being alive. It's a movie about a doll and yet its about enjoying life and growing up and how everything's so messy and it's so beautiful and we're so beautiful and I just. I get it. I get why Barbie wanted to be a human. We are all so fascinating. The ending montage alone is enough to make anyone with a heart cry. I hope that one day everyone is as in love with the world around them as this movie made me.

#1 Asteroid City- Dir. Wes Anderson

If you don't know the I'm Wes Anderson's number 1 fan, I'm doing something wrong. Truth be told, I didn't get this movie at first. I left the theater knowing that there was some deeper meaning but...what? So I thought about it for two weeks and then it hit me. There is no clear answer. There's no clear answer because the actors can't find a clear answer. There's no clear answer because the in-universe playwright didn't write one and maybe Anderson himself didn't write one. The movie has clear themes of grief and love and identity but at the end of the day what you choose to make of it is all up to you. There's also a lot to be said about how the play is existential and about uncertainty in the future and I think that's another reason I liked Asteroid City. I'm always so worried about the future. It terrifies me. But what can I do. And with that I once again realized that Wes Anderson was truly genius, and I don't think I'll ever see a film quite like Asteroid City again.

Favorite performances from each film

#5 Rachel Zegler as Lucy Gray Baird

I never got the hatred for Rachel Zegler. She was absolutely phenomenal in the 2021 West Side Story and she ate up Lucy Gray Baird. I just felt through the screen that Rachel understood her role so well. She played Lucy to all her vulnerability and strength and goddamn I am in love with her voice!! The old therebefore gave me absolute chills.

#4 Allison Oliver as Venetia Catton

being complete honest she's who I wanted to be in like middle school. Allison Oliver managed to play her as both such a free spirit and then to haunted on such the drop of the dime. From her subtle emotions to her snapping at Oliver in the bathtub she had me eating out of the palm of her hand. She would've loved Tumblr.

#3 Shameik Moore as Miles Morales

He had me laughing, crying, cheering and getting goosebumps the whole time. The absolute power Shameik Moore gives Miles is truly what tie the whole movie together. I feel like his performance often gets overshadowed for some of the bigger names in the cast and I truly find that shame. He gives Miles such a powerful and realistic portrayal that I admire it so deeply. From "Nah, I'mma do my own thing." to his conversations with Gwen to arguments with his parents, Shameik Moore makes Miles feel like a teenager who's trying to figure out who he is and a superhero saving a multiverse from collapsing

#2 Margot Robbie as Barbie

I'm fucking sick of only hearing Ryan Goslings name mentioned when we talk about the BARBIE movie! It is Margot's movie!! SHE ATE THAT SHIT UP!! She managed to so subtly bring in the changes of barbie being only a doll to being a real person. She provides so much of the movies comedy too. Her laying down crying had me wheezing not gonna lie. But she also shows us that how strong Barbie is and how she's so multi-faceted.She is truly someone little girls should see and be inspired by. Margot truly brought Barbie to life in all the ways that the audience and the script needed. She had me laughing, crying and smiling so goddamn wide the whole film. Here's to you, Margot.

#1 Jason Schwartzman as Augie Steenback/Jones Hall

It was the year of Schwartzman and nowhere was the proved more than in Asteroid City. Here we see, Jason Schwartzman playing and actor playing a single dad war photographer. Schwartzman manages to play all these layers so well, letting them blend together through on intense common factor: grief. Jones' grief bleeds into Augie in such a fascinating way that you might not even realize at first. It's so subtle and yet, it complete makes the performance. When we see Jones on his own a few times, though Jason Schwartzman manages to make him feel like a completely different man than Augie. The entire scene from Jones walking offstage to us being returned to 'Asteroid City' is truly some of my favorite acting of the year. Even through subtle expressions, we can truly see everything that Jones is experiencing. It's just such a sight to watch and it blows me away.

Some honorable film and performance mentions

Oppenheimer- Dir Christopher Nolan. Good film but a little too long if you ask me. Sorry!

Fav performance- Emily Blunt as Kitty Oppenheimer. She might not have been in a lot of the film but she stuck with me

Renfeild- Dir Chris McKay. Sorry I like fun camp! sue me!

Fav performance- Nic Cage as Dracula. I'm sorry Nic Cage is just so goddamn funny

Poison- Dir. Wes Anderson. Maybe the real snake was the Benedict Cumberbatch we met along the way.

Fav performance- Dev Patel as Woods. Wes please cast Dev Patel in a longer on of your films he ate this up.

Five Nights at Freddy's- Dir. Emma Tammi. I wanted to like it more but it felt like 3 different films until the last 20 minuets

fav performance- Matthew Lilard as William Afton. I want Stu Macher back after this.

The Swan- Dir. Wes Anderson. (Last time I mention Wes in this post I swear.) Hey Wesley! Quick question! WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?? Thank youuuu!

Fav performance- Rupert Friend as Narrator/Peter Watson. Yeah he was the only guy speaking and he carried! The one moment where he breaks the stoic delivery and truly pleads for them to not kill the swan? Wow.

Gaurdians of The Galaxy Vol 3- Dir James Gunn. I have never cried over cgi this hard in my life!

Bradley Cooper as Rocket. Just hearing him scream sob almost had me open mouth sobbing in public.

Scream 6- Dir. Matt Bettinelli-olpin, Tyler Gillet. Starting to get real pissed at radiosilence.

fav performance- Jasmin Savoy-Brown as Mindy Meeks-Martin. She's so funny, I love her.

If y'all want I also have a favorite tv shows of 2023 post

[bunnakit]

last twilight e3 thoughts feelings etc

so in the past ive watched the episodes and digested them and come back and rewatched to put together my thoughts but im kinda crunched for time today and have a mountain of work to do sooo i'm just gonna do this in one sitting and i'm so sorry if it's not as good or as coherent as what i usually deliver aaa. it's also going to be a bit longer than normal probably but i'll try to cut down on stuff that seems unnecessary or maybe just too obvious to comment on.

OH ITS STILL REALLY LONG EVEN WITH EDITING I'M SO SORRY.

oh them being playful with each other is everything to me. oh my god and Mhok learned, he listened to Porjai and he learned to organize and clean and do things with Day as an active participant so he knows where everything is and is taking control of his own life. oh we're only 3 minutes in and i'm emotional, okay.

i do love that we get to see the way Day has isolated himself and that while his family haven't helped there's also a large part of it that is his doing. ive said it before but when you're newly disabled it can be so so easy to isolate yourself. hell, i've been diagnosed for almost 10 years and i still do it from time to time as my condition worsens because it's hard. there are so many questions you have to answer, there's the anxiety of not knowing if people are going to be accommodating to your needs, and sometimes it takes twice or even three times the energy it used to take before because every action is a little harder now. it can be terrifying to put yourself out there again and you will lose friends in the process. there will be people that don't understand, that find you to be an inconvenience, that won't make accommodations for you, and it will hurt every time but saying goodbye to those people is always ultimately for the better - but it doesn't make it hurt less. as much as i'd love the realism of it, i hope we don't have to see Day go through that.

Day's story about his friend is interesting, too. he says he doesn't want to be pitied by his friends but the thing is. they just did that, they accommodated their friend, and from the sound of it they did it without judgement. so why couldn't it be the same for him? it just shows more of his anxiety and his fear.

"once i'm ready you'll be the first to get my invitation card." Porjai and Mhok's friendship means so so fucking much to me.

"i felt like my life was worthless. all i saw in people's eyes was insult."

screaming. crying. throwing up. i don't need to say anything about this but i thought you all should know it made me ill.

here's the thing, my best friend and i dated in high school, we were 16 and fucking stupid and toxic and our home lives were shit and we took it out on each other and we made each other fucking miserable by the end of things. we didn't talk again for over five years. it took time to come back together, to heal and accept our own faults in what went wrong. we stumbled here and there as we came back together but now? almost 10 years later i don't know what i'd do without him. that's my platonic soulmate, that's the one person besides my husband i can share anything with. fuck, he knows more about my life than my husband does because he was there to see me at my worst, at the scariest point in my life where i almost wasn't around anymore to see tomorrow. that kind of friendship is so fucking special, i cannot even properly put it into words, and for Mhok to keep that? to have that with Porjai? i'm so fucking glad he has that. i'm so glad he got to keep his platonic soulmate.

small aside, i love that Mhok consistently announces himself to Day. it's a little action but it's so considerate. he's honestly doing such an incredible job.

Day puts his sunglasses on like armor; like they can shield him from the judging stares or looks of pity he can't see. maybe someday he won't need them, not because his heart has hardened to take the blows, but maybe because he knows Mhok is by his side. because remember - it's the way they look at us.

"i heard you wanted to take time off and focus on badminton" Night i'm going to drown you in your own toilet. this is just furthering my thoughts from episode 2 that Night is ashamed of his brother and his condition, or perhaps that the family is trying to hide his condition for some fucking stupid reason.

the bravery it took Day to come here and admit whats happening to his is huge, but i'm also in love with the admissions admin saying sure, you can have time off, but you're not allowed to quit. you're not allowed to give up on yourself.

"we must live with hope, Day" and that's it. you have to. you just have to. every day is going to be so hard and so much, you'll have good and bad days, but at least in all those days you'll have hope. and maybe someday that hope won't be for new eyes. maybe that hope will turn into acceptance, into determination, into pride at what you've accomplished in spite of it all. in my opinion, hope is an amazing fuel but it's not sustainable, it's just a vehicle to get you to where you need to be.

Mhok asking a blind man for a tour, oh fuck fuck fuckfuckufkcufk-- Mhok essentially saying show me your world exactly as you remember it, let me in. see how things have changed and how they've remained the same and do it with me by your side.

THE WAY MHOK SHIELDS HIM AT THE LIBRARY. DAY DOESN'T NEED TO WEAR HIS SUNGLASSES LIKE ARMOR BECAUSE MHOK IS BY HIS SIDE AS HIS SHIELD. chewing my own arm off brb.

"and you also have me. nothing to be afraid of" because i will always shield you, i will always protect you, i will stand by your side AAAA--

on part 3/4 now, i promise i'll shut the fuck up soon. if you've read this far pls take this as a smooch checkpoint, i'm giving you a little forehead smooch. have you had any water today? taken your meds? relax your shoulders, unclench your jaw.

ok back to it - Mhok continuously having Day make his own selections in these various machines. Day's fate is in his hands, he can do these things himself, but Mhok will be there with him the whole way.

"my eyes don't work well but my legs do just fine." this is such a massive leap from the man that wouldn't even leave his bedroom, from the man that was suffocating in his environment. Day is no longer a dying man, a shambling corpse. he is an active participant in his own life again.

"stay close to me, that's all i need" bitch i'm gonna throw up, you can't just hit me with that after that's all i've been saying this whole time what the fuck.

OH FUCK ME. okay. alright. hang on. so when they enter the shop Mhok describes it to Day, explains where the jeans are, where the shirts are, asks him what to do and what he wants to take a look at. this is a direct antithesis of Night in episode 1 asking where Day was going to wait for him, where he could leave him so he could get his shit done. Day isn't being asked to wait, to just sit idle while life passes him by, he's being asked what he wants to do, where he wants to go, what he wants to see. FUUUUUCK. and knowing Mhok is doing this because Day expressed that he liked dressing nicely? how the fuck am i supposed to just go to my job like a normal person after this episode.

wow the shirt buttoning scene just made me so mentally ill. right now, Mhok is doing his job. he's helping Day get dressed. but someday? someday this could be Mhok dressing Day not because he needs him to help but simply because Mhok likes doing to for Day. there's the sensuality of caring for your partner, of running your hands over the planes of their shoulders, of skimming your fingers down their chest to pluck every button. it's an exploration and a declaration of love. if we get this again in a future scene and it's something like that please remember me fondly because i will perish.

at the bookstore Mhok recognizing Day doesn't want to wait, but Day has become so accustomed to the other people in his life telling him what to do that he falls back into that behavior - but Mhok doesn't let him. he prioritizes Day's needs and desires, even if it's something as little as finding a book, without being asked.

THE LAST PAGE IS MISSING.

(because one can't see his future and the other can't see in the future, but also because they'll make their own ending, they'll face that when they get there, but they'll do it together -- what if i lost my shit completely of it?)

when Mhok leaves Day to get him a drink the camera is focused on Day and the clear warring emotions on his face but if you look in the background Mhok hesitates, he stops and turns a few times to look at day. he's reluctant to leave him and worried. Mhok worries so much but it's always so understated or in the background, covered by the emotions of others he values above himself. (or overlooked because of 'what type of person he is')

while its anxiety inducing i do enjoy this regression of behavior because adapting to a new life is hard. you will regress, you will stumble, you will fall into old habits or sometimes old fears will return. its what you do after that that is important. the one thing i hope doesn't happen is i hope this doesn't cause a rift with Porjai. i think Mhok needs her right now, maybe not forever, but definitely right now.

HE PUT ON THE FUCKING SHIRT. THE FUCKING SHIRT DAY COULD SEE FROM MARS. OH MY GOD. i know this doesn't need to be commented on, i know it's obvious, but FUUUUCK.

Day's mom trying to weaponize Mhok's past and Mhok taking the ammunition from her hands and telling Day himself. the acceptance of the past and the determination to move on and grow from it. Day's refusal to let the past repeat itself with a new caretaker. whoo boy.

and again Day wants to see Mhok, because even bruised and battered Mhok is worth seeing.

if the last episode ends with "sweet dreams/good night" i will be burying myself alive, thanks.

tagging @benkaaoi and @callipigio as requested (if you want to be added to my last twilight meta tag list just let me know!)

THE PINK SHIRT RUINING HIS BAD BOY IMAGE BECAUSE IT IS BEING RUINED. HE'S MOVING ON, HE'S GROWING, HE'S BECOMING A NEW PERSON. FUCK OFF.

i'm so so sorry this was so long, every episode makes me feel more and more things and makes me analyze shit more and more.

[from-the-clouds]

Randomly had a mental breakdown in the car with my friends last night and today I'm thinking abt how professor!Kendall would react if that happened while you two were hanging out or whatever. Like you're grading papers/helping out and you've been stressed and you just kind of crack and he doesn't say anything, gets up, dims the lights in his office and moves his chair a little closer to you, puts his hand on the small of your back gently. He's there if you want to talk to him but he doesn't want to force you to. He just cares about you - far more than he'd like to admit, honestly - and he wants to make sure you're okay.

okay so like. i'm obsessed with this and i ended up writing a little blurb about this. also, i hope you are feeling better from your mental breakdown. i've def been there so i feel you!

All you have to do is get through this next hour.

You're hunched over the desk, trying to focus on the essay in front of you. Every so often, tears blur your vision, the words on the pages becoming fuzzy. You've read the same sentence several times over, comprehending none of the words as you try to will yourself into composure.

You're not sure what it is. It could be the immense amount of pressure you're under -- between school and extracurriculars and work. Maybe your period is coming or something, maybe it's that boy who ghosted you last week. Maybe it's the fact that you just feel like you don't know what the fuck you're doing with your life. It doesn't matter what the cause is, you feel something dark crawling around inside you, and sooner or later, it's going to come out. You just pray you can make it home before that happens.

Next to you, your professor snorts, you hear him scribble something down in the margins of the paper he's grading. He's the reason why you're so hellbent on not losing it. Of course, you wouldn't want to cry in front of any of your professors, but you definitely don't want to cry in front of Dr. Roy. He'd be the worst option of them all.

He asks you a question, but you're so lost in thought, you don't hear it.

"What?" you ask, looking over at him. He glances at you over the rim of his glasses.

"Are you almost done with those?"

"Oh, yeah," you look down at the stack. "Uh, yeah. Almost."

"Well, hurry up," he says. "I have a meeting later and I'd like to get this finished before that."

You nod and return back to your work, feeling his eyes linger on you for a moment longer than normal. He's not being cruel, you know that he's just stern by nature, the comment still upsets you in your already fragile state.

You've taken several classes with him, and now work as his TA, so you've grown pretty familiar in that time. Not to mention that you've had a pitiful crush on him since the first second you stepped into his classroom. You're still not sure if he knows. Sometimes, there's a gleam in his eye -- he'll touch your knee or squeeze your shoulder and give you a knowing smirk. It's hard to tell if he's flirting or just being polite. In the times you have tried to reciprocate, he always pushes you away. There's something you find thrilling in that uncertainty. It’s also equally terrifying. Does he really care about you at all, or are you just another student who will be forgotten by next semester?

Thinking about it too much makes the tears well up in your eyes again, and before you can will them away, some of them escape and land on the paper in front of you. You subtly swipe them away, but all it does is smear the ink and leave an even more noticeable mark behind. Quickly, you move the paper the the back of the stack before passing them over, and pray that he doesn't notice.

He says your name, and you turn to look at him.

"What is this?" he asks, pointing to the paper in front of him. You peer closer. "You need to write more legibly, this is incredibly sloppy work."

"Sorry," you say, looking down as more tears threaten to spill. "I will."

"Hey," he says, voice firm. "Look at me when I talk to you."

Very tentatively, you turn towards him, hoping the tears will evaporate in the time it takes, but they don't. He's leaning back in his chair, arms crossed, gearing up for a lecture on taking your job seriously, no doubt. "I'm sorry. I'll do better, Dr. Roy."

He sees your face, hears the way your voice cracks on the last syllable, and immediately his brows crease, face falling. "Are you alright?"

Unable to hold back anymore, you shake your head and bury your face in your hands, hiding from him. You expect some sort of lecture about how you need to be less sensitive to his feedback, but it never comes.

"I didn't mean to hurt your feelings."

"It's not you," you mutter, feeling something hot and awful cutting off the air in the back of your throat. Then you choke out a sob.

He sighs softly, his chair creaks. You notice the lights in the room go dim, and he returns to you, pulling his chair a bit closer before sitting down. A warm hand lands between your shoulder-blades.

"What’s going on?"

"I-I don't know," you mumble. "It's....it's everything."

He rubs his hand back and forth soothingly, waiting for you to speak, but you don't trust yourself to do it without sobbing uncontrollably. You’re already embarrassed enough this is happening in front of him. So instead, you pitch forward, forehead landing on his knee, seeking comfort and desperate to be closer to him.

When you can't continue, can't elaborate because of how hard you're crying, he speaks again. "It's okay," he says softly. "You're going to be okay."

You shake your head no, unconvinced, staring down at his brown leather oxfords, the tears that are landing on the floor.

"Yes, you are, honey," you assures you, and you ignore the way the term of endearment makes you feel -- hot, and unsettled by how much you like it. "You are. You're just figuring it out."

Both his hands find your shoulders, rubbing them soothingly, and as you finally feel yourself capable of breathing again, you reach up to weakly clutch at one of them, his fingers intertwining with your own.

"Deep breaths, okay?" he says, and you take in a deep inhale. He repeats himself. "You're going to be okay."

You can feel the heat of his body close to yours. He seems so sure of what he's saying, deep voice right in your ear. Somehow, his proximity alone is working, you feel the tension melting away as he continues to murmur to you affirmatively, hands working out the knots in your shoulders. Instinctually, you move closer to him. Even if the two of you never come back from this, you decide you don't care.