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#and so so so many people have deep connections to them
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12th House Synastry: The Darker Themes That May Manifest
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I made a post about Neptune and 12th house synastry awhile ago (here is the link to that: Understanding 12th house synastry)
In that post, I explained how this synastry can manifest between partners, but I didn't discuss the darker side of it or discuss why those darker themes are present in the first place.
To start off, some of the more common dark themes associated with this synastry include deception, lies, addiction, and hidden agendas. This synastry also can indicate being the other woman in a relationship or one party may have a commitment to another person that the other party isn't aware of (such as one partner is married, engaged, or involved with someone else). If there is 8th house synastry involved (like Pluto aspecting inner planets or 8th house overlays), power dynamics may emerge, with one person holding an authoritative position. Age gaps or factors such as work hierarchies, status, reputation, social circles, or cultural influences may also prevent the two parties from publicly showcasing their relationship.
The reason these dark themes manifest is influenced by many factors, the primary one being the person's core nature. If they are spiritually awakened, aware, compassionate, or empathetic, the themes mentioned above are less likely to arise within the connection. Ultimately, who a person is at their core will dictate how these connections manifest.
I have read many 12th house/Neptune synastry stories, and one major red flag that stands out is what is often 'hidden' within the relationship. While this synastry can evoke profound, otherworldly feelings, there’s a risk that the person you’re pouring your love into may only be a projection of your perception of them. This is tied to how you view yourself, your understanding of love, and your willingness to be vulnerable.
This synastry naturally clouds and confuses the relationship dynamic, if you have natal 12th house placements, Pisces placements or Neptune aspecting your own inner planets then the influence of falling into the web of what you think is, instead of what actually is; is more likely.
For example, the reason you may be drawn to, influenced by, or dealing with these dark themes has to do with the level of commitment or love you're ready to process. You may consciously state that you desire a deep love, but if you look at your past patterns, you might notice that you often fall for the people you claim you want to stay away from. You may say, 'I deserve better,' or recognize that the type of love you're offering is not being reciprocated. While you may be consciously aware of this, you still find yourself in connections that reinforce the image of love you say you want to change.
This has to do with the fact that there are still subconscious self beliefs that are operating within you; these beliefs may be so deeply rooted in your subconscious to the point where you are not even aware of it, and the reason why these dark themes are able to manifest within your life is because the people you are choosing are reiterating the self belief you're "comfortable" with. I say comfortable because it's what feels known within you, this person creates a feeling within you and though they may logically be wrong for you in so many objective manners, the fact that you can feel drawn towards them is what is causing you to want them, especially if you struggle with emotional vulnerability, or if you find it hard to actually form feelings towards another. This person is (in essence) allowing you to form feelings because their presence/actions reaffirm the same self beliefs you've been dealing with throughout your life.
This type of synastry even becomes more nuanced when the 8th house is involved, oftentimes if you are not aware of your own self inner wounds this type or interplay can cause such chaos. This is especially true if you are choosing someone who wants to use you, or if they have their own inner battles that they ignore. In essence to stay aware of the connection at hand:
Look at them at face value instead at the value that you give them.
Stay aware and acknowledge the fact that their own actions and choices act as a true unit that showcases their true feelings towards you.
Understand that even though you're able to understand or empathize with their struggles doesn't mean you should justify their actions.
The feeling you feel with them is already sitting within you; if that wasn't the case you wouldn't be drawn to them in the first place. Therefore that scarce mindset where you may feel like you need them to allow romance in is only a facade that keeps you at a distance of receiving reciprocal love.
This again is an extreme case but I wanted to make a note.
Another thing I want to note is that with this synastry, you might feel an intense draw toward the other person, as if you’ve known them in a past life (because how could someone create such deep longing within you if that wasn't the case?) This might create the connection to be very thought-provoking, and the longing you experience can manifest instantly in moments when you're not with them; this might lead you to believe that you share a deep, once-in-a-lifetime connection. However, the person you are drawn to may actually be a projection of your own desires for emotional fulfillment, especially if they are an objectively lost soul struggling with personal battles such as addiction or ongoing affairs.
The reason why individuals often state that 12th house and Neptune synastry can indicate past life connections is that this type of synastry evokes similar feelings of longing, wishes, and desires. In my experience with both, I understand why people associate Neptune/12th house synastry with past life connections. However, this synastry often creates a sense of longing while leaving more questions than answers.
With past life connections, you may instantly feel a deep longing for someone you’ve just met—their eyes seem familiar, and their touch feels sacred. In contrast, when Neptune and the 12th house are involved, there’s a crucial difference. Instead of a sense of certainty, there’s more wondering, thinking, analyzing, and fixating. You might convince yourself that you know them by creating intense, otherworldly feelings within you.
In genuine past life connections, there’s an unexplainable, intuitive sense that you’ve met before, without needing proof or logical understanding. You feel deeply connected without questioning it. This is a key difference that more people should recognize. If there are more questions than an immediate intuitive knowing, the likelihood of it being a past life connection is much less.
In summary, the main difference with Neptune/12th house synastry vs past life connections is there's a "without a doubt" mentality that you've known them before. The main reason why theres an association with 12th house synastry and past life connections is because this synastry genuinely mimics the same deep rooted feeling of longing or what if scenario's. This synastry causes you to create feelings within where it'll feel like you two have been together before but that doesn't mean these feelings are rooted in the deep seated knowing of "I've met you before" like true past life connections are like.
(which is why it's very difficult to differentiate and I can understand why but within, you will have moments with them and if out of no where you say "this has happened before" or "it's so easy with you" or if 5 hours feel like 10 minutes, then the chances of them being a part of your past life is more likely; and you can feel this way without even having any intense 12th house synastry with them, you don't have to have 12th house synastry with someone to showcase a past life connection).
That said, there can be times when you may be dealing with 12th house or Neptune synastry and you may consider yourself an open or healthy lover, yet still encounter these themes. You might fall for someone who isn't who they appear to be. Stories like 'We have been dating for two years, and he is an addict' or 'I am engaged, but he has another wife' illustrate this. These examples are extreme, but I believe can occur because this synastry can cloud judgment. That's why it's important to evaluate the relationship at its core rather than relying solely on your perceptions.
If you find yourself dealing with these themes or have dealt with them in the past, it's important to recognize that the other partner may not have any real love for you. This is why the 12th house is often associated with 'hidden enemies.' These individuals may not be hiding their true selves, but in your perception, the person they actually are is someone you haven't been able to see. Or in another sense this individual just held and hid parts of them from you, and because of how clouded this synastry can be, falling victim towards these connections is more likely (but like I always say entire natal charts and who the person is at their core dictates the severity of what can occur within these connections).
Another intriguing pattern in this synastry is the tendency to be drawn to darker themes, often finding yourself attracted to someone who seems in need of saving or fixing. The spiritual connection you feel may arise from a deep longing to help them, as their internal struggles compel you to give endlessly. Their internal struggles causes you to give and give which ultimately keeps you at arms distance within the connection. Especially since they can't formally give you the same love you are giving them, and this stems from the fact a part of you doesn't believe you deserve the type of love you fantasize or long for. That being said, the dreams you have about them or with them, and the coincidences that keep occurring could very well be reflections of the emotional fulfillment you desire, and doesn't paint the fact that you two are "meant to be"
This pattern can also be linked to unrequited love. When this occurs, it mirrors what I’ve mentioned before: you find yourself falling for someone you can't truly have. You become infatuated with the person you imagine them to be, rather than who they actually are. You create scenarios in your mind where you’re together, longing for a connection that has never existed. All of these patterns stem from a fear of embracing reciprocal love.
It feels easier to desire someone rather than have them; it's more comfortable to long for the idea of a partner than to actively choose someone who can choose you in return. Such dynamics are more prevalent when you struggle with emotional closeness and vulnerability. Selecting someone whom you subconsciously know won’t or can’t choose you can feel like a safer option.
I explore this concept further in my original 12th house synastry post, so feel free to check that out for more insights.
The main point of this post is to remain aware of your own wounds, self-undoing patterns, and emotional fears regarding romance. The self-giving nature you choose to engage in can create a block to receiving the kind of love you’re capable of giving to others, often stemming from a fear of being in a reciprocal loving relationship. If you stay aware and offer yourself inner healing then the chances of falling in relationships where these dark themes can occur is less likely.
Note: I believe that if you have strong Pisces placements, 12th house natal placements, or Neptune aspecting your inner planets, as well as a broken attachment style or a tumultuous relationship with your mother, you may be more susceptible to experiencing these dark themes in your reality. If you fear love yet simultaneously long for it, these factors can be significant indicators. Conversely, if you do not have these characteristics, the intensity of such themes is less likely.
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kittyandco · 2 days
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something i've been thinking about for the last few... forever.
shout out to the people who identify so strongly with, and/or find the most comfort in, the worst character(s) of any media that you're into. some of us find connection and similarities with the most terrible figures that canon has to offer. often, you're expected to identify most strongly with the good guy, or aspire to be like them (and not to say you don't, because i do sometimes). but that often doesn't happen for me, and i see more of myself in the evil impacting them.
not because i think i'm a bad person, and not because i aspire to be a flamboyant supervillain, but i often understand their feelings, their mindset, i understand how they got there, because i often went through a lot of the same things they did, even if only emotionally. it often goes beyond sheer appreciation for me (though i often find them more interesting from a narrative sense). and if i were in their world, i might become like them if things were even slightly different. if i didn't try to unlearn the fact that destruction is the only way to get what you want. catharsis is a powerful motivator.
i think it's important to embrace the "they're just like me" perspective when it comes to characters who aren't always "morally sound," and i do unequivocally include the "unsympathetic" ones. we're always going to find fictional characters we admire so long as art keeps being made, and sometimes admiration moves into "i identify with this character because of our background/personality/etc.", and sometimes these characters are the ones you're supposed to hate and root against... intentionally or not, many antagonists are very relatable (though often in unspoken ways).
none of this is to say that your taste in favorite characters means anything about you as a person, because it doesn't. how you treat others says all it needs to say about you as a person. i've seen this first-hand: people being surprised that i am friendly and compassionate (i try my best!) simply because i have a deep love for fictional guys who commit atrocities. yes, my worldly experiences, and the way i view them, as well as my fantastic taste draws me to fictional bad guys, but at the end of the day, i strive to be the best i can be every day. i aim to exude the kindness that i didn't always get when i practically begged for it. on the other hand, you could like the most sugary sweet, do-good fictional characters ever created (and good for you! no shame here!) and still be a nightmare to those around you.
i don't like the idea that you CANNOT like these characters, or identify with them, without condoning some sort of evil or being a bad person. they are people (or robots, or monsters, or whatever they are) who did bad things, whatever their reasons -- here's no inherence about it, and i think that belief has helped me in trying to understand them. i try to practice this with everyone i encounter. and along the way, i actually find that we aren't so different
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splashstar01 · 2 days
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MBTIs of BBC's Merlin & Arthur Pendragon
Arthur Pendragon (ISTJ)
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Introverted (I): Now I know many people see him as an extrovert. I argue he plays extroverted out of necessity. Although Arthur is often in the spotlight due to his royal position, he tends to process emotions and decisions internally. He’s reserved about personal feelings, often keeping a stoic exterior, particularly in moments of vulnerability. His introversion explains why in season 4 finale (the show only has 5 seasons), he told Merlin that Merlin was still his only friend, despite the fact that all the Knights of the Round had already been established! He clearly differentiates knights who would willingly give their lives from real friends. Arthur is so private that he doesn't even tell his wife things. In season 5, she casually said, "Arthur never tells me anything." Arthur only really lets Merlin in. (Because he loves Merlin, duh. lol)
Sensing (S): Arthur is pragmatic and focused on the present. He has a strong sense of duty and tradition, often valuing tangible results and sticking to established systems, like the chivalric code and the duties of being a king.
Thinking (T): He makes decisions based on logic and duty rather than emotions. Arthur strives to do what is right for Camelot and tends to focus on rationality when dealing with political and military matters, even if it means setting aside personal attachments.
Judging (J): Arthur values structure and order. He is disciplined, prefers routines, and is committed to fulfilling his responsibilities as a king. He can be strict, both with himself and others, expecting everyone to uphold the same level of duty.
Merlin (ENFP)
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Extraverted (E): I have heard some parts of fandom say Merlin is introverted.... But Merlin has to be the friendliest, most outgoing and open character on the show! Merlin effortlessly connects with others. He’s warm, often initiating interactions with various people across all social classes, and enjoys forming deep bonds with those around him. Basically, the complete opposite of Arthur. Arthur's top knights, Lancelot and Gwaine, became knights for Merlin, because of their friendship with him! Merlin at his best is a happy, bubbly dude!
Intuitive (N): Merlin looks beyond the surface and sees potential and possibilities. He is often focused on his vision for the future, specifically the destiny he believes Arthur must fulfill, and tends to think about the broader implications of events.
Feeling (F): Merlin makes decisions based on his emotions and values. He is compassionate and deeply cares about the people he loves, even risking his life to protect them. His empathy drives many of his actions, as he is guided by his heart rather than just logic.
Perceiving (P): Merlin is adaptable and flexible. He thrives in chaotic situations, often relying on his quick thinking to solve problems on the fly. Unlike Arthur, Merlin isn't tied to structure and routine, preferring to go with the flow and adjust his plans as circumstances change.
Even being complete opposites (they don't have a single common letter in their MBTI), Arthur and Merlin's personalities complement each other in a way that makes their relationship dynamic, powerful, and balanced. Despite their differences, these contrasts are what strengthen their bond, making them effective as partners and allowing them to grow as individuals.
How their MBTIs shaped their love story:
1. Arthur (ISTJ) – Duty vs. Love
Arthur’s ISTJ personality makes him deeply rooted in duty and tradition, which often conflicts with his personal feelings. As a king-in-waiting, he’s bound by the rules and expectations of Camelot. This sense of responsibility prevents him from openly expressing his affection for Merlin, a commoner and servant.
Suppressed feelings: Arthur’s introversion and thinking function push him to hide his emotions, especially his care and affection for Merlin. His loyalty to his role as prince often conflicts with his deeper, unspoken feelings for Merlin. Arthur’s rational side forces him to focus on the kingdom, keeping his emotions hidden beneath his duty to the crown.
Traditional values: As an ISTJ, Arthur’s sense of tradition keeps him from crossing the boundaries of class and status. His love for Merlin, if fully acknowledged, would defy these societal norms, and his reluctance to embrace that love fully reflects his fear of breaking those structures.
2. Merlin (ENFP) – Love as a Driving Force
Merlin’s ENFP personality is more openly emotional and driven by personal values. His feeling and perceiving traits allow him to express affection, even though it’s subtle and often masked in humor or banter. Merlin constantly shows his love and devotion to Arthur by risking his life to protect him and ensuring Arthur’s destiny as king.
Boundless loyalty: Merlin’s deep emotional attachment to Arthur is clear, as he constantly sacrifices his own desires, hiding his magic and risking his safety to ensure Arthur’s survival. His ENFP idealism drives his belief in Arthur as the Once and Future King, and this belief is tied deeply to Merlin’s personal love for him. The idealism of an ENFP is evident in how Merlin sees the bigger picture of Arthur’s destiny but is also fueled by his personal love and emotional bond.
Unconditional care: While Arthur struggles to show emotions, Merlin’s extraverted nature makes it easier for him to express affection through acts of service. He remains unwavering in his commitment to Arthur, which highlights the ENFP’s ability to love deeply and unconditionally, even when the other person may not fully reciprocate outwardly.
3. Their Banter – The ENFP vs. ISTJ Communication Style
The teasing and banter between Arthur and Merlin highlight their different communication styles. Merlin’s ENFP warmth and humor frequently bring out Arthur’s softer, more human side. Arthur’s ISTJ personality makes him reluctant to openly express affection, so their teasing and sarcastic exchanges become a way to communicate affection indirectly. The playful insults act as a cover for their deeper bond.
Arthur’s respect for Merlin grows over time, despite his reserved demeanor, and Merlin’s ability to challenge him emotionally helps Arthur soften. Their banter is more than comedic relief; it shows how they communicate their care for one another in a way that feels safe and acceptable.
4. Trust and Emotional Vulnerability
Arthur (ISTJ) is slow to trust others with his vulnerabilities, given his reliance on structure and duty. But over the course of the series, he opens up to Merlin more than anyone else, showing a side of himself that he hides from everyone, including his wife and family members (like Morgana and Uther). Merlin’s warmth and loyalty gradually create a space where Arthur can be emotionally vulnerable.
Merlin (ENFP), in contrast, is more expressive and emotionally open from the beginning. His challenge lies in getting Arthur to see past his role as a servant and accept him as an equal in friendship—and potentially in love. Merlin consistently puts Arthur first, and Arthur, in return, eventually trusts Merlin above all others, including knights and advisors.
5. Protectiveness and Sacrifice
Arthur’s ISTJ sense of duty makes him protective of those he cares about, even if he doesn’t vocalize it. His actions speak louder than words, as he consistently risks his life for Merlin. This protectiveness is a manifestation of his deep, unspoken love for Merlin. However, Arthur often couches these actions in the context of duty—saying he would do the same for anyone in Camelot—when, in reality, Merlin holds a special place in his heart. He was about to abort a mission, causing hundreds of deaths, all for Merlin. Also, in one scene, as they were fleeing from a monster, Merlin fell and Arthur went back for him, a mere "idiot" servant. In that same scene, a knight fell (knights are the bread & butter of Camelot), but Arthur just kept running with Merlin....
Merlin (ENFP), with his focus on emotions and the bigger picture, sacrifices everything for Arthur. His feeling-based decisions make his love for Arthur a central motivation for everything he does, even if it means hiding his magic and true self. This constant self-sacrifice for Arthur’s sake is a key expression of Merlin’s love, a classic ENFP trait—giving up his own needs for those of someone he cares deeply about.
6. Destiny and Fate – The ENFP Belief in Idealism
Merlin’s ENFP idealism sees Arthur as not just a king but the Once and Future King, destined to unite Albion. This belief in Arthur's potential drives Merlin’s unwavering devotion, and his love for Arthur is inseparable from his belief in their shared destiny. Merlin’s visions of a better future are rooted in his love for Arthur, and it’s his idealism that keeps him fighting for that future.
Arthur (ISTJ), being more grounded, is less concerned with abstract concepts like destiny and fate at first, but over time, Merlin’s unwavering belief in him helps Arthur grow into the king Merlin always knew he could be. Arthur begins to rely on Merlin’s intuition and instincts more and more, eventually embracing the destiny Merlin foresaw for him. Though Arthur may not openly express it, he comes to understand that Merlin’s faith in him is born out of deep love.
7. The Final Goodbye – An Emotional Climax
The emotional 'I love you': In the final episode, Arthur’s ISTJ stoicism breaks as he finally acknowledges the depth of his bond with Merlin. When Merlin reveals his magic, Arthur is hurt and betrayed at first (typical ISTJ reaction to broken trust), but eventually, he softens, realizing that Merlin has been protecting him all along. In his final moments, Arthur shows his vulnerability, thanking Merlin for everything—a rare moment of emotional openness for him. He simultaneously mouths 'I love you.'
Throughout the series, Arthur’s ISTJ sense of responsibility made it difficult for him to prioritize his personal feelings over his role as king. But as he faces death, duty and love become inseparable. His final act of trying to kiss Merlin shows that, even though he had been bound by the expectations of the crown, in his last moments, his love for Merlin overrides those constraints. His inability to express affection easily is part of his ISTJ personality, but in his final moments, he sheds that restraint, finally allowing himself to express what he’s likely felt for a long time. For Arthur to mouth 'I love you", even silently, is monumental. It’s a complete surrender of the emotional guard he’s maintained, signifying not just love but trust, vulnerability, and a breaking of the social norms and responsibilities that have constrained him. The fact that he chooses to say it at the very end shows that he always cared deeply for Merlin, but only now, when there’s nothing left to hold him back, can he express it.
Arthur, having always struggled to communicate his feelings, finally mouths the words "I love you" when it’s too late to make a difference. This is reflective of his ISTJ personality—he needed to be pushed to the very brink of death before he could allow himself to be emotionally vulnerable and express his love. The timing makes this moment all the more tragic because Arthur had to die before truly opening up.
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The almost-kiss: Arthur’s instinct to pull Merlin in for a kiss reflects the ISTJ desire to do things physically, practically, and decisively, even in the most emotional moments. It also shows how Arthur, who had been in control of so much of his life, wanted to take control of this final expression of love. Yet, his inability to complete the kiss mirrors his inability to fully express his love for Merlin throughout their time together—blocked by the weight of his responsibilities as king.
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For Arthur, to attempt to kiss Merlin in his final moments is a gesture of complete vulnerability. An ISTJ like Arthur rarely breaks emotional barriers, but in this moment, he lets go of everything—the crown, his duties, his stoic exterior—and reaches for the person who has always been there for him. It’s the ultimate sacrifice of his own emotional walls.
Arthur’s attempt to kiss Merlin shows that he is finally willing to defy the traditions and expectations that have held him back for so long. As a prince and then a king, he was expected to follow societal norms, but in his final moments, he’s free of those chains and can express his love for Merlin without fear of judgment or duty holding him back. The kiss is the ultimate acknowledgment of the love he had hidden behind his royal duties.
Throughout the series, Arthur has hidden his true feelings for Merlin behind duty, status, and responsibility. His inability to express affection easily is part of his ISTJ personality, but in his final moments, he sheds that restraint, finally allowing himself to express what he’s likely felt for a long time. As he faces death, duty and love become inseparable. His final act of trying to kiss Merlin shows that, even though he had been bound by the expectations of the crown, in his last moments, his love for Merlin overrides those constraints. Arthur, true to his ISTJ nature, often preferred action over verbal declarations of emotion. By attempting to physically pull Merlin in for a kiss, Arthur shows that his love for Merlin transcends words—it's something he feels deeply and wants to express through connection, even when he doesn't have the words to say it outright.
Merlin's internal turmoil: As an ENFP, Merlin had always worn his heart on his sleeve, even when his love for Arthur was expressed through loyalty, service, and protection. The fact that Arthur finally mouths "I love you" just as he's dying would shatter Merlin’s heart, as it represents the culmination of everything Merlin had been hoping for but never dared to fully expect. Merlin, the dreamer and idealist, had believed in Arthur’s greatness, and now, in this moment, Arthur’s love is revealed, only for it to be taken away immediately in the "bury (or kill) your gays" trope.
For Merlin, the attempted kiss is heartbreaking because it represents the closeness and intimacy they could have had if circumstances were different, as Merlin said, "I always thought if things had been different, we'd've been good friends." ENFPs, with their emotional expressiveness, seek connection and intimacy in their relationships, and Arthur’s attempt to kiss him in his final moments is a bittersweet acknowledgment of the love that Merlin had always known was there, but could never be fully realized. The fact that they were so close to expressing that love makes the loss all the more devastating for Merlin.
A Tragic Love Story Cut Short
The final scene where Arthur mouths "I love you" and attempts to kiss Merlin before dying is the ultimate expression of their hidden, unspoken love. Arthur’s ISTJ personality, which had kept his emotions guarded for so long, finally breaks, allowing him to express his true feelings. Meanwhile, Merlin’s ENFP nature, always driven by emotion and idealism, is left devastated by the cruel timing of this revelation.
Their MBTI types add layers to this tragic love story. Arthur’s love, expressed at the very end, shows how hard it was for him to balance duty and emotion, while Merlin’s eternal grief reflects the ENFP’s idealistic belief in love, crushed by the harsh reality that they were too late. Their love was always there, simmering beneath the surface, but in the end, fate allowed only a fleeting moment of acknowledgment before tearing them apart.
After Credits/The Once & Future King:
1. Merlin’s ENFP Hope and Eternal Longing
Driven by Idealism: Merlin’s ENFP personality is defined by hope and idealism, traits that keep him believing in Arthur’s eventual return. Even though Arthur died, Merlin’s unwavering belief in the prophecy—that Arthur will rise again—fuels his determination to keep waiting. For Merlin, his love for Arthur and his faith in the prophecy are intertwined, so he continues to hold onto the belief that their story isn’t over.
Endless Loyalty: ENFPs are known for their loyalty to people they care deeply about, and Merlin’s waiting for over 1,500 years is the ultimate expression of that loyalty. He never moves on, because his heart and soul remain connected to Arthur, and he believes that their bond transcends death and time itself.
Living in Grief and Hope: As a feeler, Merlin experiences the full emotional weight of Arthur’s loss, but his belief in Arthur’s return sustains him. The fact that he has to wait so long makes his grief even more intense, but the hope that Arthur will rise again keeps him going, even after centuries of loneliness. His ENFP nature ensures that his love for Arthur never fades, and he continues to hold onto the possibility of their reunion.
2. Arthur’s ISTJ Rest and Duty to Return
Waiting for the Right Moment: Arthur’s ISTJ personality means that, even in death, he is waiting until the precise moment when he is needed most. His sense of duty to Camelot and to Merlin persists, even after death, as he waits for the time when his kingdom—or Merlin—truly requires him. The prophecy reflects Arthur’s ISTJ nature, as he will return to fulfill his duty, not a moment too soon or too late.
Faith in Merlin: Even in the afterlife, Arthur’s deep trust in Merlin remains. Although he is resting, there is an unspoken understanding that when he rises, Merlin will be by his side, just as he always has been. Arthur’s loyalty and sense of responsibility mean that he trusts Merlin to carry on until the moment of his return.
The Final Act of Duty and Love: Arthur’s rise will be his final act of duty as king and as a friend and lover. His ISTJ sense of purpose and structure drives his eventual return, knowing that Merlin and the kingdom will need him again. When he does come back, it will be out of love for Merlin and a deep sense of responsibility to his people.
3. A Love That Survives Time
Merlin’s Endless Vigil: For over 1,500 years, Merlin has waited, watching the world change, but his love for Arthur remains constant. His ENFP personality clings to the belief that the prophecy will come true, and when Arthur finally returns, it will be the culmination of centuries of waiting. Merlin’s idealism, rooted in his deep emotional connection to Arthur, sustains him through time. He doesn’t seek out other connections because, in his heart, Arthur is the one he’s waiting for.
Arthur’s Timeless Love: Even though Arthur is resting, his love for Merlin isn’t diminished by time. When he returns, his ISTJ loyalty will kick in, and he will fulfill his promise—coming back to be with Merlin and to save the kingdom when it’s needed most. His return is not just a matter of destiny, but also a testament to the bond he shares with Merlin, one that surpasses life, death, and time itself.
4. The Ultimate Reunion
The Prophecy Fulfilled: When Merlin and Arthur finally reunite after over a millennium, the moment will be one of overwhelming emotional release for both. Merlin, with his ENFP emotions, will have spent centuries holding onto hope, and Arthur’s return will be the answer to his deepest longing. The reunion will allow Merlin to finally let go of the grief he’s carried for centuries, knowing that Arthur is back by his side, just as he always believed he would be.
Arthur’s ISTJ Return to Duty: Arthur’s return will be a moment of intense duty and purpose, but also of love. His ISTJ nature ensures that he will rise again when Merlin (the last remaining piece of Albion) needs him most. Their reunion will be both the fulfillment of a prophecy and the completion of their love story.
5. Symbolism of Eternal Love
Waiting as a Form of Love: Merlin’s long wait for Arthur shows that love isn’t confined to one lifetime. His waiting is a manifestation of his deep, undying love, and it reflects the ENFP’s capacity for emotional endurance. Even though he’s spent centuries alone, his heart remains tethered to Arthur, and when Arthur finally returns, it will be a moment of profound emotional catharsis.
Arthur’s Duty Transcends Time: Arthur’s ISTJ sense of duty extends beyond the grave, showing that his bond with Merlin is eternal. His return will not just be about fulfilling his destiny as king, but also about being reunited with Merlin, the person who has always been by his side. This reunion will be the ultimate proof that their love and duty to each other cannot be broken by death or time.
Conclusion: A Love That Defies Time
The prophecy of Arthur’s return turns their story into an eternal love saga. Merlin, driven by his ENFP idealism and emotional depth, waits for centuries, believing in the prophecy and holding onto the love he has for Arthur. Arthur, waiting in Avalon, as the prophecy foretold, remains loyal to his duty and his love for Merlin, waiting for the moment when he is needed most.
When they are finally reunited, it will be a moment of ultimate emotional release, where centuries of love, hope, and loyalty finally come together. Their story is one of timeless love, with their bond surviving beyond life and death, waiting to be fulfilled in a future where they can be together once again.
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crescent-blades · 16 hours
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Refusing to talk to them | Kokushibo
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| Warnings: slight hurt 💔 and fluff 💞| Warnings: None | WC: 0.7k | A/n: Kokushibo and y/n are married |
𖤐ˎˊ˗ Masterlist
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  ̗̀➛ You two rarely argued, if at all. Both of you were understanding of each other, and Kokushibo being a man of little words along with his calm disposition really made it nearly impossible to engage in any arguments with him.
  ̗̀➛ But for the first time, you two had argued, so intensly infact- that for the first time you witnessed a side of him that you had never seen before-- he was so angry that for the first time- he had raised his voice at you.
  ̗̀➛ after the argument, he himself was pretty heated. Frustration had boiled up within him, and in an effort to release the pent-up energy, he just started training himself, perfecting his strikes and accuracy; as the frustration built up within him would be released in a series of slashes
  ̗̀➛ As time passed, the intensity of his anger began to fade, and he realized that the argument was ultimately all trivial anyways..
  ̗̀➛ Almost an entire day had passed since your heated argument. As always, Kokushibo, your husband came home, expecting you to have forgotten thibgs like him and moved on. Only to see that you were just completely ignoring him.
  ̗̀➛Kokushibo would be slightly taken aback at your behavior, deep down, hurt even. Did he really mess things up that bad? No.. he could not--perhaps you were still grappling with the situation.. So he just dismissed it entirely, beleiving that you'd forget it all eventually..
  ̗̀➛Until that time never actually came. What began as one day stretched into two, then three, until almost a week had gone by, and you still chose to completely disregard him. Refusing to even acknowledge his presence.
..."How childish--"
  ̗̀➛ He'd think.. yet deep down, he felt concerned. Why were you behaving like this? The only person who he had managed to form a connection with.. someone who he had genuinely learnt to care about had abruptly just cut all ties with him?
  ̗̀➛ A sense of pain began to settle in his chest-- in his heart.. yet still, he attempted to dismiss his feelings, regarding the situation as insignificant as he'd ventured out to release his frustrations through training, until even that ceased to provide relief anymore..
  ̗̀➛ But the the thought of you- your words, the smile that lit up your face when you saw him, those comforting embraces, and your soothing presence—had vanished. All of it, the argument he once considered trivial now kept replaying in his mind over and over--
Your silent treatment had deeply wounded a demon who nobody could even lay a scratch on.
  ̗̀➛ He understood that now even training wasn't helping with anything. Deep down, he sought your embrace once more.. he though the only way to undo all of this would be to make amends with you.
  ̗̀➛ So the next day, he decided to reach out to you. He was infact, a man with little words. Conversing with people seemed trivial to him, but as for you, not conversing with you seemed draining-
"The moon.. appears quite lovely today.. does it not?"
  ̗̀➛ He'd try talking to you, bringing up conversations, hopinig to draw you out, yet you remained unresponsive..
"Y/n, my dear... I understand I must have said things that must have.. upset you.. but please let us forget about these trivial matters.. my heart.. longs for your presence.."
  ̗̀➛ he'd apologise to you, for the hurtful words he had used. Definitely, having him yell at you like that, he brought out a side you never saw in him, and it definitely had hurt you. You would share your feelings with him, and he would listen attentively, do his best to understand you..
  ̗̀➛ But in the end, he'd never let you stay mad at him for too long. He didn't want to lose you. He valued your presence in his life, as you were someone in many centuries that actually understood him, and he learnt to genuinely love you. And letting some silly arguments jeapardize your entire relationship was something he'd never let happen..
  ̗̀➛ He'd write heartfelt poetry for you, to cheer you up.. he'd write about your beautiful smile, your delicate touch among other cherished qualities. He would craft a beautifully written love letter along, with some beautiful flowers hed give to you from time to time. Although he may not be a man of many words, he is dedicated to ensuring your happiness in every possible way.
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Sorry I like my men toxic and nobody can convince me that Tseng would give you a fully healthy relationship. He’s just not the worst guy you could date. So here are some of Tseng’s toxic habits. I wish we could post powerpoint slides. Like I guess NSFW for my choice of words. Edit: Okay I’ve typed more. It’s NSFW, it wasn’t that when it was just scattered notes i swear. granted, this is still scattered notes
Forgiveness?
Tseng. The man you forgive a million times because someone like him is so hard to come by. Even if you’re a person who doesn’t tolerate bullshit. You know that it would be impossible to find anyone nearly as good as him despite his mistakes. Tseng knows this too, taking advantage of your level of comfort in him. The connection between the two of you so deep there wasn’t a possibility you could view life without him. Tseng creates soul bonds with his significant other, he has to have all of you fully invested in him. You would also want for absolutely nothing, he can provide everything you could ever want so you can focus on the future you want to build for yourself. Whether it’s school, art, creating your own business, etc. Tseng is there to guarantee everything goes according to plan if it’s financially or if he has to pull a few strings. Seeks out people who would be reluctant to replace him but aren’t very co-dependent. If you manage to leave Tseng, say good riddance to developing any new relationships. He’s either going to make any of your new significant others vanish. If it’s someone he can’t kill, he’ll find a way to scare them away from you or find a way to put them in prison. 
My alternative reasoning as to why all of your other relationships would fail? The dick of course. Yes. The unbelievable wee wee. There’s not a soul in the world that would be able to learn your body the way he does. Have you ever heard of people being nearly ready to pass away because they lost their dick? Well if you haven’t, you have now. Even thinking of him fucking someone else the way he does with you is enough to make you want to vomit. That shit will have you sliding down the wall crying. You can try all you like to fuck someone else, it won’t compare. The way he touches you immediately sends electricity down your spine. It’s all in the way he knows how to touch you. Where to touch you. A subtle brush of his fingers along the small of your back while you’re riding him. An almost tickling sensation that causes you to press yourself against him as he leans up to kiss the most sensitive parts of your neck. How about when all he needs to do is look into your eyes and knows exactly how you want to be fucked? You can’t think of a time you had to ask him to do anything, your minds were seemingly in perfect sync. Always so so willing to please you. “So you wanna fuck other people huh?” He whispers in your ear mockingly while driving his cock deeper into you. Your knees pressed against your chest, legs hooked in Tseng’s arms as he ensures you won’t slip out of your position. No, you really don’t, not when he’s reminding you of what you’ll be missing. You’ll be calling him the next day for more, innocently asking for him to come over to “talk”. There won’t be much talking, just Tseng bending you over the kitchen table. His hands gripping your hips tightly as he fucks himself into you so deeply, ignoring the way your hands push against his abdomen in a half-hearted attempt to slow his tempo down. 
There aren’t many people in this world that would be nearly as attentive as he is. The way he can easily tell all of your needs within moments of talking to you. Reads you like a book and it can’t help but make your heart flip, cause like, ‘who sent this man?’ and why does he know all of your emotional needs and exactly how to take care of them? Tseng carries aspects of his job along with his relationships. The same way he gets to know his enemies closely, he’ll do the same to you. Memorizes all of your sayings, even can predict what your response would be to most questions or statements. It’s almost more eerie than heart warming. With this comes the ability to manipulate you endlessly. Gaslighting has never been easier honestly. Lying to you about anything or forcing you to agree with his point of view would be child’s play. The way he carries himself during an argument, so well composed, rarely letting his emotions control him paired with the way he effectively strings his words together to soothe you. His calmness will make you question why you’re even so worked up. Tseng isn’t, so why are you? Tseng makes you see everything through rose colored lenses, and despite your aching heart when he hurts you, Tseng could never be wrong in your eyes. He only does what’s best for you. 
Gaslighting? Probably.
Truly remembers every word you’ve said to him and will use it against you. This goes back into my last little paragraph but deeper? Uses traumatic things from your past so you can believe that maybe your emotions, in regards to something Tseng has done wrong, are nothing more than misguided reactions. Will have you think that maybe you’re projecting your fears from past experiences onto him when you challenge him or try to hold him accountable for any wrongdoings. Certainly will guilt trip you knowing exactly what makes you feel like you’re the biggest piece of shit in the world. He doesn’t have to do anything outrageous. It’s the way Tseng subtly changes his body language. Slumping his shoulders just a bit, the way his brow furrows at your words or actions, breaking eye contact and staring at the floor like a scolded child. To put the cherry on top, it’s the ever so slight change in his tone of voice. The wavering in his tone as he speaks softly, not too soft for it to sound out of the ordinary, but enough for you to believe you’ve hurt his feelings. Usually resulting in you coddling him, now you’re the one apologizing because you “never meant to make him feel bad” even if it’s because you were grilling him for something as major as fucking his boss behind your back. Believing that it must be your fault if he’s off sleeping with others. Master manipulator for sure. He’s good at lying, like we see what he does for a living.
Like to make you cry because he's the only one that can also make you better. At times he’ll do this just to make sure he’s got complete control over you still. Wrapping his arms around you in such a calming way, his warmth and sweet words coaxing you to relax against him so he could “make it all better again.” More makeup sex. Somehow gets a kick out of cheering you back up. One minute you were sobbing because his words were a little too cruel and now you’re sobbing because he won’t stop fucking you so good. Tseng has a way he likes to position you in times like this. Having you lay on your stomach, your back arched just enough for his hips to flush against your ass as he completely sheaths himself in you, whispering in your ear asking “you still love me, right?” Christ, he has a way of making himself emotionally needy at just the right times. You can’t help but whimper, whine, and eventually choke out, through your moans, your appreciation, love, and devotion to him. Always ends with him cuming in you, some aftercare, then holding you in his arms for a majority of the night unless work calls him away.
Sometimes-y af?
He can pick and choose when he wants to pick up your relationship or not but you cannot do the same to him. Loves someone who he can come and go as he pleases with. You're so stupid and willing. Loyal to a fault, though the only person it’s negatively affecting is you. There isn’t a time you’ve turned him away thus far. Constantly taking him into your arms, babying him as though he’s some angel despite you knowing he isn’t. Tseng’s just managed to get you to the point you couldn't care less about his deceptive ways. You just want him by your side, no matter what the circumstances may be. The entire world can see the invisible leash and collar Tseng has put on you, yet you manage to stay blind to it all. You’ll wait like the good little puppy he’s molded you into. 
It’s a wonder he can be such a gentleman and a conniving son of a bitch. The kind to end an argument by demanding to be left alone but will ask “what you're doing tonight” a few hours later---he's going to fuck you—giving you a reason to keep accepting him back into your loving arms. He knows you’re a gift from the Goddess but he can’t help that he likes being toxic at times. It’s why he treats you so well and the sex is so unbelievably good. He needs to cement himself into your soul so he can continuously get away with everything, so things can continue to go exactly as he wants it to. Tseng prefers a life with you that has no consequences. For him. You, however, have to deal with punishment if you dare treat him in a similar manner to his treatment of you. Will show his displeasure with hurtful words and by neglecting you. If that doesn’t have the desired effects he’s willing to scare you into submission. Once again, nothing too outrageous that he would do. Tseng might just choke you a bit, push you against a wall, or if you try to run he’ll hold you against him tightly. Whispering into your ear about making you disappear if he can’t have you the way he wants you. Telling you how he does so much for you and he at the very least deserves you on your best behavior at all times or else he might just have to break that pretty neck of yours. Isn’t too big on yelling, he can get his point across just fine without having to do so.
Stalker? Obviously.
Tseng has trackers in your cars, phone, and bags. It doesn’t matter where you go, he’s going to find you. He’s definitely followed you from location to location, making sure you were doing what you said you would be. Sure he’s always been able to track you, but that isn’t the same as seeing you. You could be doing anything in the areas you claimed to be in. Tseng is even familiar with the faces of employees of each store you frequent. Has tracked down every family member and friend of yours, performing thorough background checks on all of them. Even closely looking after some of the people closest to you. Tseng has to approve of the people you hang around of course, he won’t tolerate anything that he feels is a negative influence and will force them out of your life. Tseng will sit outside of your house for hours after leaving, wondering if someone will come over. If he knows someone is coming over he’s got your home mic’d. Listening to all of your conversations, evading your most private conversations. Hates to hear when you vent about him, makes it hard to come back to you and act nice when in reality he wants to correct you for telling his business to your friends and family. Doesn’t mind when you’re speaking highly of him though, you help boost his ego most of the time. Getting space from Tseng is impossible. Your attempts to drive around and find a nice parking spot are all for nothing. He’s following right behind you. Is definitely going to block you in with his own car, angrily getting out of his own. Once he made you leave your car where it was entirely. Pissed that you would try to get away from him at all, it doesn’t matter if it’s just for a few hours. Pushing you into the passenger seat of his car, driving you back home all while yelling about how stupid you were and that you would always come back begging for him. 
He was always right about that. Nothing would stop you from wanting Tseng back if he finally decided he was done. A relationship with Tseng is either on his terms or very much a “till death do us part” 
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itsmercuriosity · 19 hours
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🧵NICOLA COUGHLAN AND LUKE NEWTON’S SYNASTRY CHART 🧵
Here’s a BIG preamble!
First of all I would like to state that I’m 80% sure about this synastry chart. Let me clarify: we do not know for sure their birth times, unfortunately, so I had to dive deeply (believe me) into their individual natal charts.
After a thorough analysis and having watched all the WT interviews, I came up with these charts. I’m pretty convinced that L has a 7h sun and N an 11h sun. So here’s the synastry. I cannot stress it enough: we only know their rising signs, so we are certain of the sign the planets are in but not of their houses. Aspects are confirmed, though.
I believe Luke's birth time might be around 16:20-16:45, as for Nic's I believe it to be around 10:15-10:30
Last disclaimer: this again is pure entertainment, I analyse charts of many celebrities and people around me all the time, it’s not my intention to be disrespectful. it’s just for fun! Having said that, I DO believe that they might have something in the future IF they really want to.
Lastly, I’ve been working on this for the last week so thank you in advance if you get to the end of this rambling.
Let's get it started!
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ASPECTS:
- Venus conjunct Mars.
This is the first aspect you cannot help but notice. You should expect to find strong connections between these planets when there is a physical relationship. This is THE passion combination and a harmonious aspect link makes for a strong sexual connection as well as the ability to understand each other's sexual needs and drives. It also can contribute to understanding in the area of goals and is a good combination for working together toward a common goal. It is usually the Mars partner who is inclined to take the initiative (Nic).
-Venus trine the Moon.
A connection between these two emotional planets is common and desirable in romantic partnerships. The relationship feels smooth and easy; the feelings between the partners are strong and readily expressed, and there is a sense of a deep, inner connection. It is easier for them to share their inner selves.
-Venus trine Venus.
This positive aspect between contributes to harmonious living, strong mutual feelings of affection and shared tastes and pleasures. I would like to highlight that they both have a fire Venus (L in Aries and N in Sagittarius) and both in their individual charts in the 9th house (which symbolises love in foreigners).
- Their Mercurys have no aspects: This may lead to a lack of communication or understanding BUT having Mercury sextile sun - even though this usually is not an important connection in synastry- that is a positive connection, then it can overcome a lack of an aspect between the two Mercurys and give the ability to understand each other intellectually.
-Jupiter sextile the Sun. This connection allows the Sun person (Luke) to expand and helps this individual fullfil her potential. The Jupiter partner (Nic) will be experienced as a source of growth, gains, and fun. If it is a positive connection, the Sun person might think his luck has improved since the relationship began.
-Jupiter trine the Moon. This helps the couple experience the pleasure of the relationship. They have a great ability to have fun together and enjoy each other's company. There also can be feelings of deep, nonverbal mutual understanding.
-Saturn sextile Sun shows the capacity for commitment and responsibility required for long relationships, although of course compromise and accepting limitations are required. Saturn (Nic) can give the Sun (Luke) a greater sense of security and stability, while the Sun can "lighten up" Saturn. Even though the individuals will feel some of the restrictiveness of this combination, there is likely to be a sense of a deep karmic connection and acceptance that this relationship is going to last a long time.
-Venus conjunct Pluto. this is an undeniable chemistry. Especially Nic finds luke hot.
-Jupiter square Juno: it isn’t necessarily a destructive aspect for marriage. It just means they have to put more conscious effort into understanding each other’s perspectives. Open communication is a necessary ingredient.
HOUSES:
Let's talk about houses. Again this part cannot be verified because we don't know their birth times. This is just my intuition based on what we saw during the press tour.
VENUS:
L’s Venus in N’s 1st house-> He’s so smitten with her. There’s admiration. Feeling loved by him makes her feel that reconnection this herself again. He makes her comfortable with who she is.
N’s Venus in L’s 4th house: He shows her his inner self, his most vulnerable side. He thinks of a future together, he feels like being at home with her.
JUPITER:
L’s Jupiter in N’s 7h house—> She is attracted to his charisma. He makes her see love with better eyes. She wants something serious with him.
N’s Jupiter in L’s 8th house—> he is starstruck. She causes in him a combination of emotions so intense that he will not understand them at first. She will help him connect with the sides of himself that he represses or doesn’t show to others. She changes him. Great level of intimacy.
Jupiter in 8th also: money money money. this aspect gives insane amounts of luxury when with this person. also more self confidence achieved.
MARS:
L’s Mars in N’s 5th house: she feels drawn to him physically. The more he is driven, the more she gets near him.
N’s mars in L’s 9th house: she changes his life. He had a simple vision of life before her. She teaches him a lot.
MOON:
L’s moon in N’s 6th house: She sees him as a reliable person, however she thinks he is someone who finds it difficult to open up emotionally but she tries to let him know how proud she is of him. Acts of service vibes.
N’s moon in L’s 10th house: He cannot bear someone talking ill of her. For him she is superior. He is inspired by her. She gives him support and emotion in career matters.
SUN:
N’s sun in L’s 6th house: she is the peace he always wanted, she heals him.
L’s sun in N’s 12th house: For her he is very charming and has a heart of gold. He is very supportive of her.
PLANETS AND ASTEROIDS:
JUPITER (as in future spouse)
N has Jupiter in pisces. She meets her future partner during filming or when she is surrounded by art.
L has Jupiter in libra. He meets his future partner in an environment associated with arts and creativity. Also through contracts and business.
JUNO: they both have Juno asteroid in the 11th house. Their soulmate may have 11h or aquarius placements (ijbol if we think about N’s 11h stellium and L’s aquarius stellium). Their soulmate might be someone that was a friend before. L’s juno is in cancer and n’s one is in capricorn, which are literally opposite and complimentary signs.
In conclusion:
IMO they are very similar and compatible. Astrology tells us that they are attracted to each other and find comfort in each other's company.
Could they be a thing in the future? Definitely, but it's up to them.
Thanks if you read this thread <3
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queenlucythevaliant · 10 months
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All I want for Christmas is nothing but my favorite carols in church
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artharakka · 8 months
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Beautiful, But Broken
#bg3#tiefling#tw blood#c: Viivi#so I redid my bg3 character because I wasn't feeling durge that much. So now my sibling does durge and I regular tav Viivi#(changed her to tiefling for funs)#at least I meant to do regular tav but uhhhhh things have gone very unfortunately very fast#anyway. Viivi is an artist; she does painting sculpting poetry and some prose. Experimenting with this and that#unfortunately she is deaf which made making connections a bit hard in the fine arts world#fortunately she has a patreon with one very generous patron (she's fey warlock)✨ who has bestowed some gifts of charms for her#which have opened doors of many art galleries#She's not a fighter so although she is confident in her own lane she is also very aware of her mortality#so she avoided any fights she could#which might have saved her but also got her into the mess of her lifetime#you see she couldn't fight the entire goblin camp and their leaders. She would've just not survived that. So she convinced them#that she is a True Soul. She is good at convincing people. It worked. They thought she is on their side. Good#Halsin also though Viivi was on their side. Halsin attacked Viivi's party. Now Halsin is dead.#So Viivi and her group were still alone deep within enemy fort. Viivi made new plans. She frees the prisoner who says he will warn the grov#Good thinks Viivi now they know to flee. I will go to Minthara and tell we got the information from prisoner of the grove location#she will trust us and we walk off#when we get back to grove they have not fled and Minthara is at the gates#Minthara wants Viivi to sound the horn. Zevlor wants Viivi to sound the horn. Viivi asks Zevlor to please tell this plan in detail.#Zevlor says just blow the horn already. Viivi does that. Minthara thanks Viivi for leaving the gate open as planned#Zevlor does not thank Viivi for that. Viivi is confused as she did not leave the gate open. (for real the damn gate was left open)#So I did a Massacre.#now Karlach is gone Wyll is dead. Lae'zel is also dead#but apparently Minthara is ready to be very loving and sincere with Viivi. The most helpful person she has met in very long time.#Viivi might love her#so that is how she's doing.
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skrunksthatwunk · 2 months
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last minute pre-grandparent-visit room deep cleaning has revealed that within the drawer i tend to assume just has old, off generic birthday cards and theater/concert programs there are also many, many going away cards and letters and things from the last couple of times i moved away. i guess i always thought of it as such a lonely thing, and i talk a lot about how i don't think i made Real friends until recently, and not to get choked up on main or anything but i think maybe i was completely fucking wrong
#Real friends = deep friends and admittedly it's hard to have deep connections with ppl when you're like 10#and also hard to have deep connection with people when you don't understand yourself at all (bc how could you share it?)#but i was so profoundly loved.#and it's not like the bday cards and stuff aren't a part of that they're just so.. obligatory? whereas such cards from friends is. guhhh#like they missed me. maybe they still do at least a little bit. ahhhhhhh#like i was a shithead but i meant something to a lot of good people and so many of these aren't from just one person#they're a bunch of them coming together and bringing along inside jokes i only half remember and drawing my fucking ocs like GUYS.#GUYS I LOVE YOU GUYS. i may not remember all of you but you were like. goddd i think you made this bearable#and im so glad i saved these. i didn't know there were so many#speaking of which i also found THREE count em THREE decks of cards i know for a fact i have never used bc i have a favorite deck and it's#not those. what off the wall madness was i planning where i needed three non-matching decks of cards within sleep-reach at all times#anyway im reorganizing bc like 10% of that drawer was stuff i actually needed regularly (literally Just the knives) and it's a nightstand#so it should be like. stuff i frequently need like pens and junk. idk#like it's not as if i don't think about how my moving away hurt ppl like i've been abandoning ppl against my will my whole life#but i guess ive been thinking of it as some kind of responsibility or guilt thing? or painful in a me-centric way. they sent me off#with well wishes though they poured their hearts into these. they drew and printed photos and made little crafts bc they loved me#and that's what you do when someone you love has to go away. waughhhhgghhghbn
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jewishdainix · 1 year
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Dislike how characters will literally be queer in canon but people will act like its fanon because the authur/creator hasnt confirmed it or it wasnt said explicitly (despite being explicitly shown)
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ruvviks · 2 months
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sometimes i forget that vitali really is a heywood boy
#personal#like of course he is. he may have ended up a corpo boy but deep down he is nothing like that#he used to go out to smoke with friends in places they weren't supposed to be#got into so many fights when he was young and he was a boxer like jackie... they trained with viktor for a long time together#when vitali was in college. and it's always been about community and connection to him#even now as a fixer he's putting his resources towards his mercenaries and their families#and to the fixer council so they can use the collective income to keep streets safe for regular residents of night city#he's got a whole program running to support businesses that are trying to make heywood more accessible to those without a car#and organizations focused on making life in night city better for children specifically so they have safe places to hang out with friends#if he was really a corpo boy he would've set up his office in city center somewhere. or like. charter hill#would've barely cared about his mercenaries and would DEFINITELY not have helped with creating the fixer council#none of his mercenaries have died. like obviously people get injured but none of them have ever died and like#it's all because he makes sure that they have all the resources and gear they need to succeed at the gigs he gives them#which makes me so insane he cares so much and he's running his business SO professionally but in like. such a human way#like yeah his skills as a corpo come in super handy for what he's doing here and he's absolutely using them to his advantage#but that's all he's using them for. corpo boy on the surface but lover at heart
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justthatspiffy · 3 months
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.
#a friend announced they are pre-engaged#which#as someone who has been pre-engaged i simply cannot recommend#but also if you're so pumped as to tell the whole musical cast you're probably in a good spot with it where i really wasn't#but anyway this came right on the heels of me reflecting on that relationship#and i was like#i would not have immediately pegged those two as dating i don't pick up Chemistry#but i can see a deep deep care between them#and i thought to myself that feels like a permanent relationship#so to hear news of pre-engagement i was like haha another validation in my prophesy pocket#and i told my bf#and it made him a little sad bc i can confidently say other people have permanent vibes#but i cannot confidently say that about us#and it's fuckin true but it's a bummer#and like suicidal ideation that makes planning difficult aside#i realized this evening#i don't think i have ever seen a long-term relationship that i would like to emulate#at least nothing close up#so many patterns in the western het world that i sincerely do not want any part of#and it's not any blatant lack of trust it's just that we're normal enough people#it would be easy enough to fall into those inequitable patterns#go read that essay 'i want a wife' you know we all know#and this is dangerous to say on the tumblr dot com#but it's one of the reasons i have felt so connected to queerness as i grow up#never has the husband-wife dynamic held any appeal whatsoever#and it's so scary to be told and told thru church and media#here's the pattern here's the aspiration you want this right? good cool cool good
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montanamp3 · 4 months
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tatimaxxing (something big just happened to me but i can't talk about it on this blog because ive posted face)
#my friend's in the hospital again so i spent 20 on an uber with my other friend to go see her#but by the time we got there visiting hours were over 😭#so we just had dinner at the park#and i told her about The Big Terrible Thing for the first time#straight through without embellishment! yay! i think at least#because ive retold the story in so many different ways that im not actually sure what happened anymore#she was like super chill about it though!! and was like im really impressed that you actively made an effort to not be [REDACTED]#not really what she said more like Making An Effort to No Longer [Redacted]#redacted as an action not as a noun blah blah you know#and she told me about how shes faced discrimination at our super homogeneously chinese church which i feel REALLY BAD ABOUT BUT I DON'T KNOW#HOW TO EXPRESS IT TO HER OR WHAT TO SAY ABOUT IT 😭😭😭😭 GIRL HELP#im being so useless and chinese about it 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 i don't know how to talk to people about things that matter#and idk like ok v non-tatimaxxing of me to say but ive been so self centered and going Wahhh these normies will never experience my#Deep Secret Emotions unlockable only by spending too much time on tumblr as a child#on the other hand i feel like once this has gotten out of the way i don't really have an excuse for not connecting with my church friends#yknow. like i don't have to hide this from them any more#they're great people!! and they're going through so much and I need to be there for them but I couldn't even get tothe stupidhospital on tim#not cry typing just ran out of space#anyway I wish I could care more about them I wish I could make genuine connections without having to lie to feel some sort of weird#rush of power over them because I know the truth and they don't when I lie so much I don't even know what the truth is#I've been putting my face on here more lately because I want to be genuine and I want to not hide things#but idk if it'll work I think it might just make me unemployable 😭😭😭#cc diary
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navramanan · 2 years
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I go through these short periods of time feeling very okay and good even only bc i distract myself from what pains me until it catches up again and the cycle repeats itself
#i think it's verrrrrrrrry close to catching up again after i've had normal 2 weeks lol#so many ifs and buts and would things be better had i made a different decision lived in a different place or time etc#but i'll never now i'll always only have the here and now and the unchangeable past#and the very incertain scary future i'm trying so so so hard to be hopeful about but seeing things as they are right now. i really dont kno#i can only fake it to some point. i cant fake it till i make it. i'll fall apart countless times and then wont make it anyway#i feel like. i feel like all the circumstances i've been in have all always been against me#like i'm the only unlucky one among the people i know#i try so so so hard to remind myself that people who seem to have it so much better have their own problems too#but then also i remember something i wrote down once as a teen. the phrase you typically hear#''i have been battling (?) with this problem but am lucky enough to have a support system / loving friends etc''#and idk how right i am with thinking this way but no matter what problems you have.#it's the toughest thing to lack deep connections with at least 1 person ideally like 3 i guess bc it's such a fundamental thing#you know having someone you can ALWAYS turn to without feeling bad and you know that they can and do turn to you too#and i do have a few wonderful friends i love so so much but i feel and know that no one needs me like i need them#every friendships feels so fragile to me. no one depends on me turns to me for advice or to vent etc#and when i feel like i need to do any of those things i cant turn to any of them#there's still inevitably a sort of disconnect i feel#and it terrifies me that i'll never find someone i connect with on a deeper level and it's mutual and we both can depend on each other#and there are no boundaries no shame no unspoken words#i dont know how true any of my feelings are but. but yeah#nesi rants
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opia-jpg · 1 year
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#i have a light feeling that my mom might be hinting at something#with the whole. mentioning my mood swings and sensory issues and poor social skills and such#i say i'm unsure because she's not one to be subtle in situations like this? so i feel like i'm projecting#but she did suggest (partially related) going to a psychologist#and the thing about me is that i'm very self aware about my many flaws and therefore have decided#that i can't fix them or that it's not that bad as long as *i know* the issue is there#which is starting to sound like an issue in itself? but i feel like im being way too dramatic every time#i know i'm just in a stressful spot in my life and that it will pass in a few months#but i am starting to seriously consider getting an outsider's perspective. just in case#im feeling down *all* the time lately but there's always a reason to blame so i feel like it's just rotten luck and not something within me#there's not enough time but also too much of it for me to make excuses for not being able to do Anything at all and i feel paralyzed#but isn't it just the everyday terror of being in charge of yourself#i wish i could come up with a definite answer but there isn't one and the childish part of me is so frustrated with it#i have a fantasy of violently breaking my arms that doesn't lead anywhere i just feel the urge consistently enough that it's a pattern#(ive never self harmed i know i won't that's why it's just a fantasy)#i crave complete anonymity i crave deep genuine human connection and i don't want to talk to anyone. ever again.#ive talked with at least three different people partially about those thoughts#but talking about it is difficult and like pulling teeth#im clumsy with my words. can't quite find the precise meaning i want. i stutter and hum and mumble#i hate talking but if i don't i will explode#i want to be taken seriously but saying things outloud makes them sound so harsh and i don't know if it is that serious#but it's a pebble of thought that i can't stop turning around in my head over and over and over until im sick#never! ending! story! jesus christ#vent post#← tagging just in case#pretend you've never read it
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velveteencurtain · 2 months
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you can always tell when specific people who are obsessed with criticism truly have never made anything themselves in their lives
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