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earlysunshines · 9 months ago

Text

drive me crazy!

pham hanni x fem!reader ; angst, fluff

synopsis: hanni can bear physical touch—unless it’s from you and is oblivious to why that is, oblivious to only her.

warnings: sixth!member reader ; cute and FLUFFY YAAYYY!!!! ; my girl... pls why r u stupid my cute little idiot ; a lil angsty ; idk anything else i didn't mention ; oh um... rly jdashfasd iffy on how the pacing is plus the pining and like everything... was supposed to be short and cute but then i made it more LOL ; not proofread (i don't like reading if u couldn't tell)

a/n: short, silly, cute, lovely, adorable (so hanni) anyways HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! to gf!! also now all the members i write for have a sixth!member reader fic LOL

hanni has always been fine with physical touch, she kind of has to be considering she’s friends with danielle and hyein.

she lets them drag her by the arm, cling onto her, and whatever else that they desire because that’s just how they are. hanni is fine with this, she’s fine with anything the members do.

but you? you’re a whole different story and she has no clue why.

the slightest amount of physical contact from you sends her spiralling, she can’t think right the moment your shoulders graze or fingers brush against one another. her palms go sweaty, her breath gets short, and her face warms up; hanni tends to be more distant when it comes to you.

maybe it's the way you do it so effortlessly, plus that little smirk on your face that renders her dumber than she already is. maybe it's because your hands are always so warm that it makes her flinch away, or maybe it's something more. but this could mean nothing, right?

exhibit a:

hanni wasn’t always wary of your touch. there was a point in time where she’d give you hugs without thinking, let you lean on her shoulder or lean on yours, even intertwine fingers during livestreams or just spontaneously because why not?

one night, while in spain during your time recording for the new ep, you two had been put into a room together. there had been two beds, but you wanted to hangout near hanni while you doom scrolled and texted your friends. hanni let you linger there, neither of you had made any physical contact during the time until you mindlessly put your leg over hers, linking it.

while you went on your phone hanni would glance at you, she didn’t know why. you caught her in the midst of it, interrupted her while she traced the curve of your lips and she could only blush.

“is there something on my face?”

hanni still stares, not answering for a bit until a few seconds pass.

“no, i just zoned out.”

“okay...?” you ignore it with a chuckle, returning to your phone.

after hours of scrolling, you yawn, your phone falling somewhere on the bed as the hours of recording and singing throughout that day had caught up to you.

you fell asleep first, your breathing soft and steady, while hanni lay beside you, wide awake. she didn’t mind though. you hadn't moved to your bed, and hanni isn't strong enough to carry you (she's smaller and shorter, that's quite given; you tease her endlessly for it). she couldn’t bring herself to wake you up, watching the peaceful way you drifted off. she felt warm next to you, like it was the most natural thing in the world to be here, sharing this moment. eventually, she let her eyes close too, not bothering to move. she liked the closeness.

the two of you fell asleep beside each other on your backs, your hands barely touching and a leg tangled with the other.

when you woke up, the first thing you noticed was how you were wrapped around her. your arm was draped over her waist, your body molded against hers, and for a moment, you were too comfortable to move. it was similar to the feeling of cuddling your pillow at night in the dorms, but instead with hanni. you really liked the feeling of her in your arms, weirdly enough.

hanni was awake now too, but she hadn’t shifted yet. instead, she lay still, her heart beating faster as she became hyperaware of the closeness between you two. she could feel your warmth, every breath, every slight movement, and it made her feel bubbly and panicked.

hanni wasn’t used to feeling this way, like her entire body was on edge, but in the best way possible. being this close to you—it made everything feel different, more intense. physical touch isn't new to her in the slightest, considering all the members are a little touchy (danielle is a whole different story), but she's never felt this way with you or any of the other members. her thoughts were running a mile a minute, and she couldn’t help but steal glances at your face, admiring how soft and peaceful you looked in the morning light. her nerves kicked in when she realized how close your lips were to her shoulder, how intimate this all suddenly felt.

fuck, hanni thought. everything felt so perfect, but this only made her more wary.

and then you stirred, slowly waking up again, your eyes fluttering open. when your gaze landed on her, your lips curved into the softest, sleepiest smile, and it made her heart skip a beat.

“morning han,” you mumble, your voice raspy with sleep as you reach up to gently caress her face. your thumb brushes her cheek, and she can’t help but lean into your touch, her skin tingling from the simple gesture.

hanni can't breathe. her lips part, and then she closes her mouth to tense her jaw.

“you’re so pretty in the morning,” you say, still groggy but sincere. "how are you real?"

hanni’s face flushes immediately, her heart doing flips as she stares at you, wide-eyed. “you can’t just say things like that,” she murmurs, trying to suppress a smile, feeling shy all of a sudden.

you chuckle softly, your hand still resting on her cheek, not wanting to pull away. “why not? it’s true.”

hanni wants to pull away, it's too much. she feels like her heart might just escape from her chest.

the way you look at her, sleepy but affectionate, makes her feel weirdly nervous in the best way. the closeness, the intimacy—it’s overwhelming, but in a way that makes her want to stay right there, wrapped up in you.

but she can't, the pit in her stomach doesn't let her.

she shifts away, turning and groaning playfully as she stretches. she checks her phone, the time saving her from this situation.

"shit, we should be getting up soon."

you frown, hand resting on hanni's waist still until she sits up and rubs her eyes. "do we have to?" you ask, wanting to stay in bed a little longer with her in your arms. something about being so close to her and her specifically makes you really content.

"we have to get to the location, eat, get ready, recording—you know, all that."

you pout, rolling away from her and finding a pillow to replace her warmth.

"five more minutes?"

"fine..." hanni huffs, looking at you fondly. she can't tell if she's fond of the weird rush you give her either.

—

exhibit b

hanni is in the middle of vlogging, setting up her phone on the counter as she stirs something on the stove. her voice is light, a little bubbly, as she explains what she’s making for dinner, though she’s focused on keeping everything smooth for the video.

the phone drops and she groans, biting her lip subtly as she sets it back up, returning to her little commentary.

“so, i’m just letting this simmer for a bit,” she says, leaning closer to the pot, “and then i’ll—”

before she can finish, you come up behind her, wrapping your arms around her waist. she gasps, then freezes for a second, her whole body stiffening as your head gently rests on her shoulder. she can feel your warmth instantly, she can smell your signature sweet perfume, and the sudden contact makes her heart jump into her throat.

your arms pull her close, and her cheeks heat up as if the stove’s flames were warming her directly. she knows she’s still on camera, but for a moment, she can barely remember what she was even talking about.

“hey,” you mumble softly, voice low and a bit tired, but sweet. “what are you making?”

hanni’s grip on the spoon tightens, and she laughs awkwardly, trying to play it cool. “uh, j-just… dinner,” she manages, her voice a little higher than usual. her brief stutter earns a punch to herself (mentally of course) and she cringes internally. her brain is short-circuiting from the feel of you pressed against her back, your head so close to hers. she swears her face is probably bright red by now. there is no way this is getting cut out, especially not with the popularity you two have as a duo.

you lift your head from her shoulder, standing beside her but still lingering close, your arm brushing against hers. hanni tries her best to focus on the camera, forcing herself to talk about the food again, but it’s so difficult with you right there, looking effortlessly adorable after coming back from your shoot. you’re in casual clothes, but there’s something about the way you look—tired but still glowing—that makes her even more flustered.

“you look cute,” she hears you say softly, just loud enough for her to hear but not for the camera, and it completely throws her off. you look her dead in the eye, your gaze dropping to her lips and then back up as you smile. she almost drops the spoon, quickly looking at the camera and then back at the food, trying to regain her composure. her mind is a mess. how is she supposed to vlog when you’re like this?

“uh—thank you,” hanni stammers, her cheeks fully tinted pink now. she tries to laugh it off, stirring the pot with more focus than necessary, but the tension in her shoulders gives her away.

you chuckle softly, leaning a little closer to check what she’s making. “need help?”

hanni shakes her head quickly, eyes wide as she glances at you, then back at the camera. “n-no! i’m good, totally fine,” she insists, though her flustered state says otherwise.

“okay,” you hum, stepping back but still watching her with a teasing grin. "but if you need me to cut anymore veggies or meat i can! just ring me up! bunnies, did you know that i'm actually a wonnnnnnderful cook? i used to cook a lot with my parents-"

hanni lets you ramble, she loves hearing you ramble. she can't help but smile everytime you do, your voice is like music to her ears, it’s a symphony.

when you're finished with your ramble, you bring the attention back to hanni. "now back to our show!"

hanni lets out a quiet breath of relief, trying her best to wrap up the vlog—or at least this segment. “so, yeah! um, this just needs a few more minutes, and then dinner will be ready.” her voice wavers slightly, but she manages to end the video, turning off the camera with shaky hands.

as soon as the camera’s off, she turns to you, her face still red, and you can’t help but laugh softly at how flustered she is.

“you’re impossible,” she mutters, playfully swatting at you, but there’s a shy smile tugging at her lips.

“what?” you ask, oblivious to everything going on.

"i--" hanni pauses, shaking her head before flicking you in the forehead. "go change, dinner will be ready by then."

…

@/dailyyn on twitter:

“hanni and y/n crumbs! look how good y/n looks after the shoot… imagine being her gf and she greets you like this… id kill to be hanni”

the clip shows you surprising hanni, making her blush with your subtle antics and sharing the cute moment on camera. fans go a little insane partially because of your look, and also the chemistry between the two of you.

↪️@/tokkijeans: is it just me or are they really close? like.. suspiciously close

↪️@/ynslover: replying to @/tokkijeansi wouldn’t be surprised if they. were dating… i’ve never seen hanni so shy

↪️@/hanynenjoyer: this video is so cute! they’re my everything…

—

exhibit c

the studio was lively, filled with activity as the photobook shoot progressed. bright lights flashed intermittently, casting soft shadows over the set as you and hanni stood close, posing for the camera.

you two were in arguably casual clothing, but obviously topped off with some extra details because it was for a photoshoot. you couldn't stop staring at hanni, stealing glances whenever you could. she looked gorgeous, that wasn't debatable. her hair was styled in a way that made it a little wavy and a small clip pinned the hair that would frame her face back.

in return, hanni was doing her absolute best to keep her cool. the light makeup made your features stand out subtly, especially your lips (which hanni couldn't stop stealing a peek at), making you look stunning. you'd probably go trending on twitter later, hanni knows you like to upload selcas after things like this, and each one never fails to gain lots of attention.

(not just from the fans, but from your fellow member too.)

the photographers suggested subtle intimacy—small, delicate touches, heads leaning together, eyes locking in moments that felt almost too real. they had convinced you two it would fit the concept: domestic, casual, and comfortable. for you, it was easy to comply, maybe even natural, to slip into those roles. especially when it was hanni by your side.

your hand brushed against hers as you adjusted your stance, smiling to yourself when you caught her glancing at you. hanni was trying to keep her cool, you could tell—but why? her usual ease seemed strained, her body a little tense despite the casual poses. but you? you were just happy to be this close to her, to feel her warmth as you both leaned into the moment.

the photographer directed a few more shots, asking you to sit beside hanni and lean your head against her shoulder. you did so with ease, resting your cheek carefully on her shoulder. you could feel her freeze slightly under your touch, her body rigid against yours. you bring your hand over and place it over hers, rubbing your fingers gently against her skin to coax her back into relaxation—miraculously, it works.

you didn’t think too much the whole thing; after all, these shoots always required some closeness. but with hanni, it was different. your heart felt lighter being near her, warmer in a way that you didn’t feel with anyone else. you smiled softly as you shifted into the next pose, letting her lean against you this time, her back pressing against your shoulders.

she smelled sweet, like the faintest hint of citrus, and you found yourself wanting to linger there a little longer.

"you smell good." you mumble softly as the photographer readjusts his settings. "like really good."

hanni doesnt answer, she opts for pinching you playfully instead, earning a chuckle.

"what? you look really good too."

"shut up." hanni says, mostly for the sake of her sanity. "you're so... ugh."

the moment ended when the photographer had caught both of your attention again. you two stop bickering (if you could even call it that) and focus once more.

the camera flashes one final time, and the photographer calls it a wrap. as the crew began to clear the set, hanni quickly stepped away, her cool facade returning as she busied herself with adjusting her outfit, avoiding your gaze. your heart sank a little at her sudden distance.

you stood there for a second, watching her, a growing pit of uncertainty forming in your stomach. it wasn’t the first time this had happened. hanni had a way of pulling back whenever you got too close, a way of putting space between you that made you second-guess everything. you were touchy with everyone—that was just who you were—but with hanni, it was different. she made you happier, made your heart feel full in a way that was hard to describe. she was so adorable, so easy to be around, and sometimes you couldn’t help but think of being close to her all the time.

but now, watching her act distant again, you couldn’t help but feel a bit upset. was it something you did? were you pushing too far? but she's completely fine with dani dragging her around, haerin randomly leaning against her, and even she initiates the phsyical contact with minji. not to mention hyein, who's always clinging onto everyone — but that's hyein, she's like a younger sister to you all.

your thoughts spiraled as you bit your lip, trying to shake off the gnawing feeling.

hanni finally glanced your way, catching your gaze for a split second before quickly looking away, her face unreadable. you frowned, taking a step toward her. “hanni… are we good?” you asked, trying to keep your voice light, though the hint of worry bled through.

she hesitated, fidgeting with the hem of her shirt. “yeah, of course. why wouldn’t we be?”

“i don’t know. it just—” you paused, struggling to find the right words. “sometimes, it feels like you’re… distant. like you’re pulling away. was the shoot too much? was i too much?"

hanni blinked, her expression softening just slightly, but she still didn’t meet your eyes. “no, no— and i’m not pulling away,” she said quietly, but the uncertainty in her voice didn’t do much to reassure you.

you narrow your eyes at her, trying to believe her. you sigh, running a hand through your hair. “okay. if you say so.”

the air between you felt thick, tense, and it was hard to shake the disappointment that clung to you as you watched her pack up her things. you wanted to be close to her, wanted to feel that warmth again, but right now, it felt like she was slipping through your fingers.

this left you spiraling even more, trying to figure out what went wrong. hanni walks over to watch the others, letting danielle cling onto her and not visibly getting nervous or anything like that. was it you? it had to be.

—

soobin was like the big brother you never had, and you were forever grateful for that accidental meeting while you were a trainee and he was a rookie—when he’d spilled his coffee all over you. it had been embarrassing then, but now? it was the reason you had biweekly catch-up sessions—usually over facetime, since no one in the industry liked to see a girl group member breathing the same air as a boy group member.

but today was different. today, the two of you were in one of the company lounge areas, sharing snacks from the convenience store and sipping on the flavored milk soobin had brought. he watched you quietly, eyes filled with concern as you sank into your chair, picking at your fruit gummies without much enthusiasm.

“have things been rough? are they pushing you too hard?” he asked, his voice soft.

you shook your head, your lips pressing into a thin line. “i think my coworker hates me.”

“as in… a member?”

“yeah.” you sighed, popping an orange gummy into your mouth and chewing it slowly.

“may i pry?” soobin asks, stealing a gummy from your pack.

you nodded. “yeah, go ahead.”

“who is it?” he questions, chewing his stolen gummy.

“hanni.”

soobin froze mid-chew, his brows furrowing. “wait, hanni? but— the internet’s always talking about you two. i mean, i know you can’t trust everything online, but i’ve seen it too. you guys seem close.”

“yeah, well, i think she hates it. all the physical stuff, everything i do…” you trailed off, sinking deeper into your seat. “am i terrible?”

the hood of your sweatshirt slipped over your head as you slouched, messing up your hair. soobin couldn’t help but giggle at the sight, tilting his head as he looked at you. “you’re not terrible, y/n,” he assured you, his voice steady. “maybe she’s just—”

“i think i’m in love with her.” you blurted out, groaning as you covered your face with your hands. “i’m in love with her, i think. no, fuck that, i know.”

soobin stared at you, wide-eyed. “you what?”

“i’m in love with her,” you mumbled again, sinking even lower into your seat, hands covering your face. “god, i realized it last night while i was sulking in bed at midnight. and now, everything makes sense. i want to be close to her all the time because i want something more. and i feel like a creep because—am i weird? am i… am i a predator for being so touchy with her? what if she hates me for it?”

he watched as your expression shifted from miserable to horrified, your body practically sliding off the chair now. his deep voice cut through your spiral, calm and steady as ever. “you’re not a predator. trust me. the fact that you’re aware of how your actions might affect her shows that. you’re self-aware, and you care enough to try and make things better.”

“but… this could ruin everything.” your voice was small, defeated.

“it won’t,” soobin says firmly. “i know you.”

“do you know her?”

he shrugged, smiling softly. “i don’t need to know hanni as well as i know you. you always get things done, y/n. you always work it out. remember when we had those dating rumors? you handled that pretty well.”

you groaned at the memory, but it did lift your spirits just a bit. the whole two-week ‘scandal’ had been absurd. someone had noticed that you and soobin both had the same roblox sticker on your phone cases in your selcas, posted just two days apart. it blew up online, spiraling into dating rumors that, frankly, neither of you could believe.

the whole thing was based on a sticker. a roblox sticker. beomgyu had given soobin the sticker, and soobin, thinking it was dumb and funny, gave you one too. somehow, the internet made it a conspiracy.

you had to lie, saying you barely knew soobin, and that you found the sticker on the floor of the hybe building, thinking it was funny. it was the only way to get the fans to calm down. soobin had to pretend he barely knew you as well, but the two of you had giggled over facetime because of it—which was great for your mental state while you noticed the forced hate towards you.

“ugh, that was so weird,” you mutter. “if only they knew we’re—”

“completely off the radar,” soobin finished for you, chuckling. “like some future lavender marriage if the media doesn’t get off our asses.”

you snorted at that, “gross,” but your smile quickly faded as the weight of your current situation settled in again.

he shrugged, his smile gentle. “i don’t need to know hanni as well as i know you to be sure of this. you’re the kind of person who works through things. you always have, and you always will. you’ve told me how close you two were during your trainee days—there’s no way she’d want to throw that all away. besides, isn’t it better to have her in your life, even if you’re in love with her, than to lose her altogether?”

for someone so stupid, he’s equally as wise.

you bite your lip, a sense of helplessness settling in your chest. “i don’t know,” you say, voice soft. “sometimes, i just want to pull away, distance myself so i don’t screw it all up, but… but then i’m around her, and she’s just so... so hanni. she’s adorable and funny and makes me feel so warm inside. and then i'm close to her, and it’s like this weird feeling that makes me want more, but… i don’t want to scare her off. i don’t want her to think i’m weird.”

you could feel tears of frustration prickling at the corners of your eyes, your hands trembling as you spoke. admitting your feelings out loud made them feel so much more real, and that terrified you.

soobin leaned over, placing a hand on your shoulder, his deep voice a steadying force amidst the chaos of your thoughts.

“you’re not weird,” he repeated gently. “you just care. and that’s a good thing. but you need to trust yourself, y/n. you’re good at this—at reading people, at figuring things out. if hanni ever felt concerningly uncomfortable, you’d notice. just... be careful. take your time. you’ll figure it out. i know you will.”

you stared down at your hands, twisting the edge of your hoodie in your fingers. the weight of your confession hung heavily between you and soobin, but there was also a strange sense of relief in having said it out loud—like you had finally let go of something you’d been holding onto for far too long.

“yeah,” you said softly, nodding. “i guess so.”

—

two days after spilling your alleged unrequited love to your wonderful, amazing, stupid, and very gay bestfriend you had gotten dating rumors with—you're sent to a prada show.

being one of the faces for the brand meant being sent to fashion weeks, shows, and various other schedules that had you showing off the designer brand. and each time this happened, you went viral, because prada never fails to impress, especially when it's you.

you’re set for a photoshoot, this time for the cover of vogue. the weight of it feels significant, but not overwhelming. you’re wearing a prada crop top that shows off your toned abdomen, the result of months of dedication and hard work. the black blazer and slacks, perfectly tailored, give you an oversized yet effortlessly chic look, striking that balance between casual and captivating. everything fits like a glove, intentional but laid-back.

you admire yourself in the mirror, your eyes tracing the sharp angles of your makeup. the subtle eyeshadow that makes a statement, the clean lines, the way it accentuates your features—you can’t help but praise the makeup artist, murmuring compliments as you run a hand through your messy, artfully tousled hair. it’s wild but controlled, you snap a picture quickly for your fans.

when it’s time, you step onto the set, the bold red backdrop making you stand out even more. the lights hit just right, casting shadows that emphasize your figure, and for a moment, as you strike the first pose, you think to yourself: wow, this is for the girls.

after shooting is done, you monitor your pictures and are caught off guard from how great they look. you weren't that confident about oyu rvisuals back then, singing and dancing you could od well, but visuals got to your head. you've learned to love yourself more the more your members and the internet praised you, but mostly because hanni used to compliment you a lot even with your bare face, you wish she still did it.

"woah," you say, snapping pictures of the monitoring screen to post to bubble later.

...

hanni is sitting at the dinner table, a snack in hand as she absentmindedly scrolls through her phone. the dorm is quiet, most of the members tucked away in their rooms, and hyein isn’t around tonight since she's with her family. it’s been a long day, but she finds some comfort in texting her sister, filling the silence with their usual banter. she's distracted enough that she almost doesn’t notice the notification from the official newjeans account.

her thumb hesitates before clicking on it, already assuming it’s something from your vogue shoot. everyone knew you were out for the day, busy with your big shoot, so it seemed natural. but what she didn’t expect was how stunning you’d look.

the first picture stops her cold. you’re lounging on some plush couch, leaning back with that casual confidence she’s only ever seen in person—half smirk, half knowing gaze. hanni’s heart stumbles in her chest. you look beyond good. you’re breathtaking. the makeup, perfectly done but not too much, the messy hair that somehow looks effortlessly styled—it’s too much. she gulps without even realizing, eyes locked on the screen as she stares for longer than she cares to admit.

thirty seconds go by, maybe more, before she hesitantly swipes to the next slide. each new picture draws her in further, and it’s not getting any easier to look away. you’re a vision in every shot, and her chest tightens with each one. she knows she’s been trying to distance herself, trying to get her feelings under control, but how is she supposed to do that when just seeing you on her screen makes her lose her cool like this?

“you’ve been staring at that for a while, haven’t you?” danielle’s voice cuts through her thoughts, light and teasing. hanni jumps in her seat, turning to see danielle settling in next to her. she leans over, her eyes landing on the picture of you still displayed on hanni’s phone. “she looks pretty.” danielle adds.

“um, yeah,” hanni mutters, hurriedly swiping out of instagram, but the heat in her cheeks is unmistakable. she sets her phone down as if that’ll somehow help her case.

danielle smirks, raising an eyebrow as she gives her a sidelong glance. “you seemed to like that post, huh?”

“i was just… zoning out,” hanni tries, but the uncertainty in her voice betrays her. it sounds unconvincing even to her own ears.

“seemed like more than that to me.” danielle’s voice is light, playful, but there’s a glint in her eye that says she knows exactly what’s going on.

hanni lets out a forced laugh, trying to brush it off. “what are you even saying?”

“i’m saying,” danielle starts, leaning in just a bit closer, “that it’s quite odd of you to stare so hard at her. not just at her on the cover of vogue, but in general.”

hanni swallows hard, trying to play it cool, but the flutter in her chest tells her otherwise. danielle’s right, and the worst part is, she can’t even deny it.

danielle’s eyes linger on hanni, clearly not buying her act. hanni feels the pressure building, but she stays silent, forcing a simple shrug as if nothing’s wrong. she knows danielle is waiting for her to crack, but she’s not ready to let everything spill. not yet.

"so…" danielle starts, her voice teasing but gentle, “you’re really gonna act like that wasn’t you staring at y/n’s photos for, what, five minutes?”

hanni scoffs, though it sounds forced. “it wasn’t five minutes, and i wasn’t staring like that.”

danielle crosses her arms, eyes narrowing in playful suspicion. “right. sure you weren’t. you only jumped like i caught you doing something illegal.”

“i was just… scrolling,” hanni mutters, turning her attention back to her phone, trying to seem unbothered. she swipes through random apps, but danielle’s quiet presence next to her makes it impossible to focus on anything else.

“scrolling, huh? that’s what you’re going with?”

“yep.”

“uh-huh. so if i ask again why you were so focused on y/n, you’re gonna say… what?”

hanni huffs, leaning back in her chair. “danielle, it’s not a big deal. i just zoned out, okay? she’s my friend. we work together. seeing her on my feed isn’t weird.” her tone is defensive, too defensive for her liking.

danielle raises her eyebrow, unrelenting. “zoning out on the same picture for thirty seconds? then the next one? and the one after that? you sure it’s nothing?”

hanni’s lips press into a thin line, irritation bubbling up, though it’s more with herself than with danielle. why is this so hard? why can’t she just brush it off? but danielle is looking at her with that piercing, curious gaze, and hanni knows she’s not letting it go. plus, it's danielle.

“you’re imagining things,” hanni tries, though her voice wavers.

“am i?” danielle leans forward slightly, her tone is soft but persistent. “because i know what i saw. and this isn’t the first time you’ve been weird about y/n.”

hanni blinks, her guard starting to slip. “what do you mean ‘weird’?”

“you’ve been acting strange around her for a while now,” danielle points out. “you avoid her, then get all flustered when she’s near. and now you’re sitting here, staring at her photos like you’re in a trance. come on, hanni. something’s up.”

hanni clenches her jaw, trying to hold onto the last bits of defense she has. “it’s… it’s not like that. she’s just—”

“just what?” danielle cuts in, her voice more patient than accusing. “you can tell me. whatever it is, i’m not judging.”

hanni sighs, her resolve beginning to crumble under danielle’s persistent questions. she opens her mouth, but no words come out, her mind racing to come up with some kind of excuse, something that’ll make danielle drop it. but there’s nothing, and hanni knows it.

danielle’s watching her closely now, not pushing too hard but clearly waiting for hanni to finally let it out. “hanni, it’s okay. i’m not gonna force you to talk if you don’t want to. but i’m just saying, i’m here if you need to get something off your chest.”

hanni bites her lip, her heart pounding in her chest. she can feel the words bubbling up, the truth she’s been trying so hard to suppress. but how can she admit it? how can she explain that being near you makes her feel like her heart is about to burst, that every touch and smile from you sends her into a spiral? she's beyond fucked.

“danielle, it’s not… it’s not what you think,” hanni starts, but even she knows how weak it sounds. she shifts uncomfortably in her seat, her eyes darting away from danielle’s.

danielle lets out a soft sigh, her tone turning gentle. “hanni, it’s okay to feel something for her. you don’t have to keep it all inside.”

“i don’t—” hanni stops herself, the words catching in her throat. “it’s not… ugh, i don’t even know how to explain it.”

danielle stays quiet, waiting for her to continue.

hanni rubs her face, feeling the heat rise in her cheeks. “i don’t… i don’t know what to do. she’s just—she’s everywhere, danielle. i can’t even breathe when she’s around. she’s always so close, always so touchy, and it’s driving me insane. i can’t handle it.”

danielle’s expression softens further, nodding slowly as if to encourage her to keep going.

“and it’s not like i don’t like her or anything,” hanni continues, her voice wavering. “that’s the problem. i like her too much. and i don’t know how to deal with it, so i’ve been pushing her away. and now she probably thinks i’m a complete jerk, but… i don’t know what else to do.”

danielle raises her eyebrows. “you’ve been pushing her away because you like her?”

hanni groans, slumping down in her seat. “yeah. because every time she's close to me i feel like i’m gonna explode. she’s so—ugh. she makes me feel things, and i hate it. i don’t know how to be around her without freaking out.”

“so you’re in love with her,” danielle says simply, no judgment in her tone.

hanni freezes, her heart skipping a beat at the words. in love. she opens her mouth to protest, but the truth is already sitting heavy in her chest. she exhales shakily, realizing there’s no point in denying it anymore.

“yeah,” hanni mutters, almost too quietly for danielle to hear. “i think i am.”

danielle leans back, a soft smile tugging at her lips. “well, that’s a start. at least now you’ve admitted it.”

hanni buries her face in her hands again, feeling the weight of the confession settle over her. “what am i supposed to do? i’ve been acting so weird around her, and she probably thinks i hate her now.”

danielle shakes her head. “hanni, i don’t think y/n could ever think that. if anything, she’s probably wondering why you’re avoiding her. you should talk to her.”

hanni groans again. “but what if she doesn’t feel the same way? what if i ruin everything?”

“you won’t,” danielle says confidently. “you’re both close. i don’t think y/n would throw away your friendship over this. but you’ll never know how she feels if you don’t talk to her.”

hanni knows danielle is right, but the thought of confronting her feelings—and you—feels terrifying.

"and if it makes you feel better..." danielle continues, "i don't think the chances of her not returning the feelings are high. she cares for you a lot and she's not nearly as touchy or close with any of us—just you han."

"oh."

hanni bites her lip, fighting every worry in her head. as she does so, the root of her crisis returns home.

both her and danielle look up to see you sighing as you close the door, waving at them tiredly as you walk towards where your room is. danielle tilts her head, looking at you closely: your shoulders are sinking a bit, your hair is messier than before, and you look exhausted.

"how was everything?" danielle asks you, ignoring hanni beside her who's trying to recover from her feelings taking over. "your makeup is still intact."

"i fear." you say tiredly, rubbing your eyes. "it was cool, but they made me do a lot of promo and interviews. it's over now at least."

you glance at hanni, who's failing to meet your gaze.

"well," you start, "i'm going to go wash up and pass out. night guys."

"night!" danielle beams, smiling.

you look at hanni, waiting for a response. she finally looks you in the eye, then seemingly scans your face and hesitating before she also says, "night y/n, rest up okay?"

"yeah, of course han." you smile softly, waving to them once more before disappearing into the hallway.

danielle looks at hanni immediately after you're out of their sight, and speaks as soon as she hears the door close.

hanni just groans, hiding her face in her hands as she mumbles, "she looks too good i can't possibly--"

"don't be like that." danielle scolds, "it'll be fine."

hanni can barely look at you these days, the fact that she has to face you while knowing everything she feels is real and inescapable—hanni might be on her deathbed soon.

—

the room is warm, sunlight streaming through the thin curtains and casting a soft glow over the space. your blanket is tangled around you, your loose pajamas wrinkled as you lay sprawled across your bed. hanni stands quietly in the doorway, staring at your still form with a soft sigh. she knows she should wake you up; you've overslept, and the rest of the members have already started their day. but as she stands there, watching the rise and fall of your chest, something holds her back.

your hair’s a mess, sticking up in all directions, and you’re wearing that loose t-shirt she gave you months ago. it’s oversized, slipping off your shoulder, and the sight of you like this—so comfortable, so unguarded—makes her heart skip a beat. there’s something about how peaceful you look that makes hanni want to crawl into bed with you, to be close, but she knows she shouldn’t.

she swallows, shaking off the thought, reminding herself why she’s here. she’s supposed to wake you up, not… whatever it is her mind keeps drifting to. taking a deep breath, she walks closer and kneels by the edge of your bed.

"y/n," she whispers, poking your cheek gently. "you’re gonna be late if you don’t get up."

you don’t move, still lost in whatever dream you’re having and turning away. hanni shifts awkwardly, not sure what to do. she leans down and lightly pokes your cheek again. "come on, y/n, wake up."

nothing.

with a tiny huff, she pokes you again, this time a bit harder. "seriously, you can’t just sleep all day. you’re going to be late!" she whisper-yells.

you still don’t stir, and hanni finds herself smiling despite her frustration. you look so... soft like this. relaxed. carefree. she’s really tempted to lay down beside you now, more than before. she wants to pull the blanket over herself and close her eyes, pretending for just a moment that things are the way they used to be—before all this weirdness between you two. she could pretend there’s nothing on the schedule, she quite literally has free will, she could do it and nothing would stop her.

but she can’t. she knows she can’t.

instead, she pokes your cheek one more time. "y/n," she whispers, leaning closer. "please get up."

without warning, you move, but instead of waking up, you grab hanni’s wrist and pull her closer, dragging her halfway onto your bed. she yelps, startled, but you don’t seem to notice. you just snuggle into her, wrapping your arm around her waist as if she’s your pillow, your face pressed against her stomach.

hanni freezes, her heart pounding in her chest. you’re still half-asleep, clearly not realizing what you’re doing, but that doesn’t stop the warmth from rushing to her cheeks. she feels like she’s on fire, caught between wanting to escape and wanting to stay right where she is. your warmth, your scent, the way your body feels against hers—it’s overwhelming.

"hanni?" you mumble groggily, eyes still closed. "what are you… doing?"

"uh," hanni stammers, trying to keep her voice steady. "you need to get up. you’re gonna be late."

but you don’t move, just hum in response, your hand moves to loosely hold hers. hanni swallows hard, her whole body tense as she tries to ignore the warmth of your skin, the soft feel of your fingers intertwined with hers.

this is too much.

"hanni?" you mumble again, voice thick with sleep, your hand instinctively pulling her a little closer. "just five more minutes."

hanni can barely breathe, her mind scrambling for some kind of excuse to get out of this without completely losing it. she manages to slip out of your hold, her heart pounding as she sits on the edge of your bed, trying to compose herself. "you need to get up now, y/n," she says, a little firmer this time.

you finally stir, blinking up at her with bleary eyes, confused by the sight of hanni sitting at the edge of your bed. "hanni? what are you… what are you doing here?"

she shifts awkwardly, trying to keep her tone casual. "you were sleeping in, and i came to wake you up. the others are already in the dining room."

you sit up slowly, rubbing your eyes as you look at her. something feels off between you two, a tension that wasn’t there before, something bigger than before. you can feel it too, even in your groggy state. the silence hangs heavy in the air, the unspoken distance between you making everything feel… strange.

"hey," you mumble, running a hand through your messy hair, "we, uh… haven’t really talked much lately, have we?"

hanni glances down at her hands, fidgeting with her fingers. "yeah," she mutters, her voice soft. "i guess we’ve both been kind of... distant."

you nod, still trying to shake off the sleep. "i don’t know why it’s been like that," you say, your voice quiet. "feels like something changed, and i don’t really get it. i’ve been wanting to talk to you, to be honest.”

hanni’s heart tightens at your words. she knows why she’s been distant—because you make her nervous, because she’s terrified of her feelings, because she doesn’t know how to act around you anymore. but she can’t say all that. not now. not like this.

"i’m sorry," hanni finally says, her voice barely above a whisper. "i didn’t mean to pull away. i just… i didn’t know how to handle things."

you look at her, a faint frown creasing your forehead. "handle what?"

hanni shrugs, avoiding your gaze. "just… everything. i guess i got overwhelmed, and instead of talking to you about it, i kind of shut you out. i didn’t mean to."

you’re quiet for a moment, processing her words. it doesn’t really make sense, but it’s something. "i thought you were mad at me," you admit softly. "i didn’t know what i did wrong."

hanni’s heart aches at that. "you didn’t do anything wrong," she says quickly, shaking her head. "it’s not you, y/n. it’s me. i’m sorry for making you feel that way."

the two of you sit in silence for a while, the tension slowly easing as you both realize how much you’ve missed each other. there’s still so much left unsaid, so many things neither of you are ready to admit yet, but this… this is a start.

"i missed you," you finally say, your voice quiet but sincere.

hanni looks up, her heart swelling at your words. "i missed you too."

the weight of the past few weeks lingers in the air, but for the first time in a while, it feels like things might be okay again. even if neither of you is ready to fully address the feelings you’re both clearly harboring, at least you’re talking. at least you’re trying.

and for now, that’s enough.

—

hanni and danielle sit side by side on the couch in the waiting room, both scrolling through their phones. it’s a quiet break, the kind they savor between the chaotic schedules, but their attention keeps drifting to where you’re seated, getting your makeup done. you’re chatting softly on the phone, smiling as you talk to your parents, completely at ease in the chair.

hanni, however, can’t seem to focus on anything else. her eyes flicker over to you every few seconds, as if drawn by some invisible force. she watches how you laugh quietly, the way the stylist’s brush glides over your face, how you seem so naturally pretty even in this hectic setting. her mind is still spinning from your recent talk, even though it was brief. it lingers with all the things unsaid, all the questions still hanging in the air.

next to her, danielle finally breaks the silence.

"so," she starts, her voice casual but curious, "did you and y/n talk?"

hanni’s fingers freeze mid-scroll, and she glances at danielle, unsure of how to answer. after a moment, she sighs. "yeah, we talked… sort of."

danielle raises an eyebrow. "sort of?"

hanni shifts in her seat, picking at the edge of her sleeve. "we addressed the distance. like, we apologized for being weird with each other, but… i don’t really know where to go from there. it’s like, we acknowledged it, but it didn’t fix everything. i still feel…" she trails off, struggling to find the right words. "i don’t know. confused, maybe?"

danielle watches her closely, nodding slowly in understanding. "well, that’s a start, right? at least you talked about it."

"yeah," hanni mutters, but there’s a tinge of uncertainty in her voice. she glances back at you, still on the phone, still pulling her attention without even trying. "but it doesn’t really feel settled, you know? like, we just put a band-aid over it."

danielle sighs softly, leaning back against the couch. "stuff like that is complicated," she says, almost as if she’s speaking from experience. then, after a moment of silence, she turns to hanni with a teasing smile. "by the way, you’ve been staring at y/n this entire time. i can’t believe she doesn’t know that you… you know,"

hanni’s face flushes, and she quickly looks away, crossing her arms defensively. "i was not."

danielle laughs, clearly not buying it. "uh-huh, sure. i’ve been watching you. every time she moves, your eyes follow. it’s like you’re in a drama, and she’s the lead you can’t get over."

"i’m just… i’m just making sure she’s okay," hanni tries to defend herself, though the heat rising in her cheeks betrays her. "she’s on the phone with her parents. what if something’s wrong?"

"oh, please," danielle says, her smirk growing. "you’re just using that as an excuse to admire her. you’ve been acting like this for weeks, hanni. just admit it. remember her prada post?"

hanni opens her mouth to argue, but the words die in her throat. she knows danielle’s right, and that makes it worse. instead of responding, she just sinks further into the couch, burying her face in her hands.

danielle pats her on the back with a chuckle. "don’t worry, your secret’s safe with me. for now."

hanni groans, peeking through her fingers at you again. you’re still deep in conversation, oblivious to the way she’s been spiraling.

"you’ve got it bad," danielle teases softly, her tone more understanding now. "but it’s okay. maybe just… give it time. you two are good together, even if you don’t know where to go from here yet."

hanni nods, grateful for danielle’s support, but her eyes drift back to you. she can’t help it—there’s something about you that keeps pulling her in, no matter how hard she tries to resist.

—

it’s late, and the dorm is quiet. hanni sits on her bed, phone in hand, staring at the screen. she’s been thinking about you all week (she’s always thinking about you), the tension that had built between you two finally dissipating after your brief talk. things have felt… fine, normal even, but it’s almost too normal. like the distance you both addressed had just been covered up with another flimsy bandaid, never fully resolved.

the problem is, she can’t stop thinking about you. and danielle, who’s oddly observant, keeps urging her to clear the air.

"just talk to her," danielle had said earlier, as they watched you laugh with the others during practice. "y/n wouldn’t let this mess up your friendship, you know that."

and now, as hanni sits there, her fingers hover over her phone screen, wondering if she should actually text you. she taps out a simple message before she can second guess herself:

hanni: you up?

the reply comes almost instantly:

y/n: yeah, what's up?

hanni: can’t sleep

y/n: aw me neither i was calling my mom earlier and after that i couldn’t close my eyes for more than a minute

hanni: :-( sorry to hear

hanni doesn’t know what else to say, but you beat her to the chase.

y/n: come over?

her heart races for no reason, and before she knows it, she’s standing in front of your room. she hesitates for a moment, then knocks softly before opening the door.

you’re sitting on your bed, scrolling through your phone. you’re worried that you scared her off again after being left on read. thankfully there’s a knock at your door a minute later, and when you see her, you offer a small smile. "hey."

"h-hey," hanni says, feeling a little awkward as she steps inside and sits on the edge of your bed. there’s a brief silence, the kind where you can both feel the unsaid words hanging in the air. she picks at her fingernails, glancing at you out of the corner of her eye. you’re still in your pajamas, hair a little messy, looking so comfortable that it’s hard to look away.

after a beat, you exhale, breaking the tension. "fuck this," you mutter, shifting to lay down on the bed, patting the space next to you. "come on."

hanni blinks, then, after a moment’s hesitation, lies down beside you. the bed feels small with both of you so close, but she’s trying to act normal, like her heart isn’t doing backflips just from being near you. you both stare up at the ceiling for a moment before you start talking, and to hanni’s relief, it feels natural.

you talk about everything—the group, your recent worries about the new routines, the photoshoots you’ve got lined up, how excited you are about the new choreography. hanni listens, nodding along, occasionally chiming in about her own thoughts. it feels comfortable, almost like it used to be, like there’s nothing between you but shared conversation.

"i’m really liking the new choreo," you say, turning your head slightly to look at her. "it’s intense, but it’s fun, right?"

hanni nods, her voice soft. "yeah, i love it. i think it’s one of our best routines."

there’s a pause, the kind that feels more like a breath than an interruption. she glances at you, and for a moment, everything feels lighter. like maybe this is enough—just talking, just being close like this.

"you’ve been doing great, by the way," you add quietly, eyes meeting hers, and suddenly both of you are all too hyperaware of how close and physical this is. "i know things have been weird, but i’m glad we’re good."

hanni swallows, her throat feeling tight as she stares at you. for a moment, she considers saying more, opening up about everything she’s been feeling. about how she’s been avoiding you because being close makes her too nervous, how danielle’s been pushing her to be honest, how she’s been daydreaming about you too much for her own good; she considers dropping the fact that she’s in love with you. but instead, she just gives you a small, appreciative smile.

"yeah," she whispers, her voice barely above a breath. "i’m glad too."

maybe it’s because it’s late and you’re too tired to keep pretending, sick of shrinking into some shell. maybe it’s because hanni is right there, looking like a dream, even more than that. maybe you’re young, stupid, and undeniably in love with her. the tension has been building all night, and before you can stop yourself, the words leave your lips, making your chest feel impossibly tight.

“i need to be honest with you,” you murmur, picking at your fingers beneath the blanket. “and you can pull away and leave after i say it.”

hanni frowns, sitting up slightly. “what?”

you swallow hard, the weight of your confession heavy in your throat. you sit up and put your face in your hands. “hanni, i like you. i like you the way people do in love songs. i like you like people yearn for each other in half the songs on your playlist. i don’t know any other way to say it, i’m—i’m sorry.”

there’s a beat of silence, a long, agonizing pause where you feel your heart shrinking into itself. hanni stares at you, her brows twitching, mouth slightly open, and all you can do is pray that this isn’t the moment everything falls apart.

“are you serious?”

you flinch. “i’m sorry—”

“no, no.” hanni shakes her head, turning away to stare up at the ceiling, hands covering her face. "i need a minute."

your heart shatters, the weight of rejection sinking deep. “hanni, i’m so sor—”

“don’t be.” she lifts her hands just enough to show her forehead, a wide smile breaking across her face. "oh my god. i like you too. i’ve been trying to tell you, i didn’t know how. danielle has been telling me to confess for weeks, but i was so scared."

your breath catches. "wait—seriously?"

hanni nods, still grinning, and suddenly everything shifts. the tension that had been suffocating you both breaks, leaving the air light and giddy. you both can’t look at each other for a moment, the sheer happiness boiling up inside making you fidget, trying to contain the laughter threatening to spill out. it’s a nice contrast from the (what seemed like) years of pining.

your hearts are pounding, faces flushed, and the awkward energy between you only makes it all the more real. now you’re both sitting next to each other like two middle schoolers in love—something like that—giddy, flustered, and shocked.

hanni glances at you through her lashes, then covers her face again, laughing softly. “i can’t believe this.”

“i can’t believe it either,” you admit, feeling the heat rise in your cheeks.

for a second, neither of you move. then, on a whim, you reach out and take her hand, the touch sending a rush of warmth through your body. hanni turns to you, her eyes meeting yours with that same mix of nervous excitement. it feels like time slows down, the world narrowing down to just the two of you. and before either of you can talk yourselves out of it, you lean in, your lips meeting hers in a soft, tentative kiss.

the world stops for a moment.

when you pull back, both of you are breathless, grinning like losers.

"oh my god," hanni says, eyes wide, voice barely above a whisper. “was that too quick? did we rush it?”

you laugh softly. "probably. but i think i would like, die if we hadn’t… yeah.”

without saying anything else, you both lay back down, facing each other on the bed, your fingers still intertwined. it feels easy now, like a weight has lifted, and the giddiness that lingers makes it impossible to stop smiling.

eventually, the talking fades, and you both drift off, tangled together, feeling a sense of peace that neither of you had realized you were missing.

everything feels right for the first time in weeks---hanni in your arms, your arms wrapped around hanni, being close to hanni, hanni close to you---and there's nothing that makes you happier in the moment.

#kpop x reader #newjeans x reader #newjeans hanni #hanni pham x reader #hanni x reader #pham hanni x reader #hanni pham #newjeans imagines

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aayakashii · 4 months ago

Text

FINALLY IT'S THE LAST DAY of posting Valentine's Day themed headcanons for each House in Tokyo Debunker! Ignore the fact that it's the middle of March already and I procrastinated this for so long

All prompts come from this post here ♡

And dividers are from @saradika-graphics 🫶

Taglist: @wannaberecluse

Valentine's Day in Mortkranken

Yuri

how does he show affection?

Peak tsundere. The tsundere to end all tsunderes. He demands your constant attention while hiding it behind a thick layer of furrowed brows, scowls and raised hackles. Expects you to be at his beck and call 25/8 and if you don't do that, he WILL be grumpy for the rest of the week. He needs you there, beside him. Even if you're not doing anything and he's working, he just needs your presence to feel like things are bearable. (He's the king of parallel play btw.)

does he like hugs? what are his hugs like?

Yuri says he hates them and NEVER gives them, but you know better. You notice how he slowly slips into your arms and melts against you when you hold them out for him. You notice how his hands grip your clothes like he's afraid you'll disappear and take all of his peace with you. You don't say anything. You just hold him when you know he needs it (and he'll allow to be held when you're the one that needs comfort).

is he good at flirting? how does he flirt?

PLEASE. He's a Victorian man in spirit. He can't even look at the nape of your neck or your hands without blushing like a damsel. He can't flirt and won't flirt, ever.

is he good at gift - giving or does he struggle to get it right?

The problem isn't giving you a gift. The problem is how much he overthinks what he could possibly give you that would look in good taste, so he can come out of it looking good. He REFUSES to ask for help, doesn't even look up online what are some good gift ideas for your s/o....... in the end, he gets so stressed about it that you notice his odd behavior. You ask what's going on and, after pressuring him a lot, he ends up confessing about his plight. You finally put him out of his misery by just saying what you'd like to get (a proper romantic date with him outside of Mortkranken)

is he quick or slow to give his heart away?

SLLLLLOWWWWW. Yuri doesn't even understand what is happening. Objectively, he knows SOMETHING different is going on due to all the physiological changes in his body whenever you're around. But he has no idea why. Why is his heart tachyarrhythmic? What is causing the mydriasis in his pupils? Why does he feel epigastric pain and profuse perspiration whenever you're around? He already has anxiety, so are his symptoms just worsening? When you finally end up making a move, it's when it all clicks into place for him. And after that, he has to come into terms with the fact that he likes you. He's stuck with you now, though.

does he find ‘i love you’ easy or hard to say?

HARRRRRDDDDDD. Even the mere thought that he loves you sends him into a panic attack. Love isn't supposed to be nowhere near the priorities of the best doctor/researcher in Japan. However, when you burst into his office late at night and force him to go to his room, tucking him into bed and staying with him until he finally sleeps, he can't help but feel like love is endlessly overflowing out of his pores.

does he get jealous in a relationship?

Yuri's AWFULLY jealous. Literally any little thing sets the alarm bells off in his head. He's so used to being dismissed by others, despite his scientific accomplishments, that any wrong move from you will make him spiral into jealous madness. And it's not pretty, unless you like how he looks when he cries. He wiggles and squirms when you decide to hug him while you soothe his anxieties, but eventually he calms down, sniffling and hiccuping in the crook of your neck. Maybe it's time to make a list of all your friends and acquaintances so he stops thinking every man is a potential threat... (spoiler: it won't help. His jealousy is chronic.)

what is his ideal date?

Date? He has no time for that! (You have to drag him out of Mortkranken and into a cute, quiet cafe or museum and force him to get his mind out of work. It's something he never even thought of doing, so just that is surprising enough for him).

would he ask the big question or expect their partner to?

He wants to ask. It's a big move, a big decision, and Yuri thinks he's responsible for all the important steps in your relationship. If you end up proposing first, he'll accept but he'll get mad too. He will demand you let him propose as well (and will 100% believe that HIS proposal is the one that counts for real).

how does he feel about valentine’s day?

Never even thought about that and thinks all of these dates are just a waste of time. He will think you're a bit silly for trying to get him excited about it, but with enough insistence, you can make him do anything.

does he get protective easily?

Terribly so. He wants to know where you are 25/8, if you're not around him. Yuri thinks anyone else besides Jiro and him are a bunch of unrefined brutes and that you definitely should NOT put yourself in danger by talking to them. Stresses himself half to death whenever you go out in missions and is ADAMANT on giving you a full check up once you get back. If only he had the money power to just bribe everyone to keep you by his side...

does he believe in true love?

Maybe as a kid, he dreamed about all those fairytales he had read before the only books he picked up were medical ones. It's tough to believe in it now, when all that seemed magical turned against him. You don't mind challenges, though.

Jiro

how does he show affection?

He suffocates you with his presence. Jiro might always be on the go, but he makes sure to take you with him, if possible. He needs to make a dozen and a half house calls? You're going with him. He needs to fetch something from the teachers? You're going with him. He might even show up at class a bit more frequently if you two have the same schedule. At the end of the day, you're exhausted from all the walking, but even then, he makes sure to stay with you until you're asleep. (Sometimes you have to listen to his big brother fawning over his little lovesick brother throughout the night...)

does he like hugs? what are his hugs like?

He doesn't mind them, as far as he's concerned. He always accepts your hugs, patting your head while you bury your face on his chest (that's when he realized how tall he actually is), letting you hold him for as long as you need. A few rare times, however, Jiro has found himself with the impulse of pulling you into his arms and hugging you himself. It's like an involuntary reflex – he can't control it. He searches for you, only stopping once he's holding you tight against his body. It's only then that he feels that simmering need finally lets him breathe again.

is he good at flirting? how does he flirt?

He doesn't flirt, but he still flusters you because he is blunt as hell. Sometimes, he stares at you so intensely that you squirm under his gaze. It's when you can't handle the weight of his ruby eyes on you that you finally ask if anything's wrong. When he says, "I really would like to kiss you" matter-of-factly, with his monotone voice, you feel your stomach flip inside you. He may be a doctor, but he's also a little bad for your heart.

is he good at gift - giving or does he struggle to get it right?

He doesn't waste any time trying to think about a surprise. The only surprise he likes to give you is making you yelp so he can laugh at your expressions. Therefore, Jiro straight up just asks you what you'd like as a gift and give you exactly that. Don't even try to tell him to give you whatever he feels like, otherwise you'll end up with a scalpel as a gift.

is he quick or slow to give his heart away?

Much like Yuri, he doesn't fully understand what's happening once he starts feeling a bit different whenever you come around. However, unlike Yuri, he researched his "symptoms" straight away, as soon as he realized none of the diagnoses he was giving himself were correct. After that, it was pretty much smooth sailing. He accepted the fact that he was in love with you with the same ease he informs patients of their health issues.

does he find ‘i love you’ easy or hard to say?

Easy. Jiro is blunt. When he woke up from his coma, the usual emotional restraints most people feel around things such as that were lost. He doesn't see why he should bother hiding his feelings if he is with you. Isn't it the norm to express your emotions to your partner? He would only keep his mouth shut if you expressed discomfort (and obviously, you don't, even if it flusters you so much).

does he get jealous in a relationship?

Not really. He spent a good time reading and studying about relationships in order to understand his feelings for you, and there was one specific word he read time and time again during his researches: trust. Jiro trusts you and your relationship with him. He trusts that you wouldn't do anything wrong, nor choose someone else over him. If a random student falls for you, that's their problem – he is pretty sure you're still his no matter what. Now, if someone starts bothering you... that's a whoooole other story.

what is his ideal date?

Jiro wants to go to any place in which you two can drink some tea, since it's the only thing that doesn't perturb his stomach all that much. He's been trying to slowly eat small portions as long as you make them and feed them to him (you still think he's making that up just to indulge in your attention), so he'd like to take his own food with him, if possible. You tell him that maybe you two could plan a picnic somewhere quiet, and you see his eyes widen and glint a little bit as soon as he hears your words. Picnic it is, then.

would he ask the big question or expect their partner to?

He won't mind if you ask him first; in fact, that's probably what ends up happening. Jiro follows your lead and whatever you decide to do in the relationship (as long as it isn't breaking up, obviously). So if you propose first, he'll gladly accept. If you just express desire to get married, however, he'll just straight up propose as soon as the words leave your mouth. No sense in wasting time.

how does he feel about valentine’s day?

Does not care at all. Never even noticed things changed during Valentine's. If you point it out, he'll acknowledge it and ask if you want to celebrate it, but if you don't, he won't mind either. He only cares if you do.

does he get protective easily?

Even though he isn't very jealous, he still is extremely protective. His hands are always finding purchase on your shoulders or your back, keeping you safe and close to him. He's always looking out for your health and well-being, even when he isn't feeling good (you've told him to take better care of himself time and time again due to that). If anything or anyone seems to be threatening or even just bothering you, he doesn't hesitate to activate his artifact. You already know, as soon as you hear the distinct bling of his chainsaw, that you need to reassure him that you're okay and that there's no need to commit manslaughter over some annoying guy pestering you.

does he believe in true love?

Not really. He believes in what he can attest with scientific methods. Regardless, he knows he loves you. That's enough for him.

#SORRY FOR THE WAITTTTTTTT #not edited yet so I apologize for any grammar mistakes and typos #tokyo debunker #tokyo debunker headcanons #tokyo debunker x reader #jiro kirisaki #yuri isami

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maleficore · 2 years ago

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Isn't it a bit odd that Gortash is the only one who had no idea where tf Durge disappeared off to? Between him having to be there during the raid to crown the brain with Durge and Ketheric, and Orin showing up right after all like "I'm the Chosen of Bhaal now :)" I find it hard to believe that he not only didn't realise something must've happened to Durge down there, but that he also did not investigate their disappearance at all? It literally takes like 10 minutes to go through the whole thing and Orin did not hide their "body" at all. And yeah "we promised to not meddle in each other's affairs" blah blah, but he spent A Lot of time in the colony after the raid playing with his pickled brain jars so is it really meddling if Durge was literally a 3 minute walk away, being opened and closed like a reusable Ikea ziplock bag over and over again?

So my headcanon is that he had no idea when exactly the attack happened because Orin took Durge's form right after the deed was done and kept the disguise on for as long as she could. By the time Gortash (running on 2h of sleep a day and sheer force of will, making sure everything Goes According To Plan) finally figured out what was going on, it's been too long to pinpoint the exact moment "Durge" began to act off and know where to look for their body at the very least. Plus it's not like he could put the entire scheme on pause just to go chasing ghosts, Durge would not want him to.

And I think it fucked him up a bit, that he took too long to notice and lost his chance at maybe preventing the entire thing from unraveling. I think that "we promised to not meddle in each other's affairs" is either a lie or him trying convince himself he couldn't have done anything anyways.

Now imagine a Durge that is not an idiot, that dug through every nook and cranny of Moonrise and the colony in search of answers and knows a lot more than Gortash assumes they do since they're supposed to be a full on amnesiac. A Durge that talked to the elderbrain, that read the prayer of forgiveness and recognised their own handwriting, and that learned from Balthazar's notes right next to it that this Enver Gortash they so admired spent considerable time there while they were being tortured endlessly just on the other side of the fleshy corridor.

Imagine that instead of "Orin betrayed me, and you did nothing to help me then." they would say something more along the lines of "You call me your nearest and dearest, your favourite, but I know you were right there when Baltahzar's necromancer played with me like a doll for weeks and did nothing to help me." and just watch this man disintegrate from the psychic damage in real time.

#i just want to see this terrible man suffer #durgetash and balduran/ansur messiest divorce in the realms competition #bg3 #bg3 spoilers #durge spoilers #the dark urge #durgetash #baldur's gate 3 #enver gortash

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silverskye13 · 2 months ago

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He lost time again. He knows it, because he wakes up on the floor of his room, instead of somewhere sensible like his bed, or even the chair at his work desk. There are a few disorienting moments where he wonders how he got here. Why he's here.

He was having a beautiful dream. It was a dream of cool waters, and fields of endless grass, and someone, distant and smiling, and happy to see him.

He's in hels. He's... supposed to be in hels. No fields of endless grass here, only hot and heat. The world smells faintly of brimstone and ash, even when the windows are closed -- but who would keep the windows closed when without the windows open there would be now breeze.

The wind in hels is hot and unforgiving.

He thinks he used to like it here once. He remembers feeling... happy.

Right now the only feeling he has, is that he's uncomfortable on the floor. He stretches out his hand across the crimson stem planks, splaying black fingernails against the boards and listening to the soft shff of noise. The wood grain isn't like the wood grain on trees. There are no odd concentric circles spooling and unspooling endlessly across the bark. Instead, hard, compact fibers from the long stem press against each other like sheets of cardboard, varying in color where nutrients collected.

Well. He thinks that's why the colors are like that anyway. He used to be an expert on things like that. He has hazy memories of talking excitedly to his best friend about why hels was the way it was. The abnormalities, how different it was from a standard nether. Why there were birds, where they came from, how they lived here, of all places, tenacious against the heat and smog.

He has... memories of knowing things. They're soft and bright around the edges, less clear than his dreams. He remembers talking to people, and knowing things, but he can no longer remember what those things are.

"Moment of clarity," he says out loud to himself, to no one. He used to have those. He used to have them so often, they were normal. Not moments of clarity, living in clarity. Now those moments were so rare he wasn't sure they really happened, until he lost them again.

This was not a moment of clarity. This was, at best, a waking dream.

He was still laying on the floor.

His shoulder hurt. He thinks, maybe, he fell on it when he... left. Faded. Passed out. Slept. Dreamed. There's a bruise there. Or maybe he's been laying here for that long. He's heard of that happening to people -- laying still so long their bodies bruise. Their friends have to pick them up, turn them over, move them so they don't hurt themselves while the Universe slowly drags them away. He remembers doing that for someone once. Not his best friend. Someone else. Someone who used to live up the street. He remembers washing their hair for them while they slept, and wishing they would wake up.

There is no one here to wash his hair. His best friend... might have already forgotten about him. That happens sometimes too. People so far gone, they spend their last moments alone because... because...

There is an ache in his chest. It hurts. The pain is intense, and he cannot tell if it really hurts that much, or if its just the first thing he's felt in a long, long time. The novelty takes his breath away. It isn't fear. The fear wore off... oh... a long time ago. Back when he still thought he had something worth living for. Back when he still had hope he had a chance. When fear actually gave him something -- adrenaline, fight or flight. Back when there was still enough of him left to feel things like spite, or hate. He'd torn apart his workshop once, in that fit of anger. He never cleaned it again. Couldn't bring himself to climb the ladder. Besides, if he passed out again, he didn't want to wake on a bed of broken glass.

Still on the floor. It aches. He should move.

There's a book beside him. His sketchbook. He fell asleep, faded, passed out, left, dreamed, while he was in the middle of reading it. Old drawings. Grand plans. Notes to self. He held a hope once that, maybe, if he memorized the pages well enough, he wouldn't forget who he was. Trying to grip those pages through memory now, though, they slipped through his thoughts like water. With an effort, he musters the strength to pull the book towards himself. Doodles of sheet pattern the page its open to, and he smiles.

A beautiful, soft dream. Walking through fields of grass towards someone who was so, so happy to see him. His smile was radiant as the sun, his voice embroidered with enthusiasm, like it was a part of the fabric of his being. He'd called him by name. Taken him by the hands. "Hello hello! Finally we meet again my friend! You've been hiding for so long. But now, what's gotten into you. You look tired. Wouldn't you like to rest?"

Oh. Rest. He was always tired now. No voice to speak. No thoughts to think, save the ones that rolled past like clouds on a summer day, formless and inconsequential. He was holding a book in his hands. Oh. His sketchbook. Right. For remembering himself, and not the dream.

He has, a moment of clarity. Brief, and colorful, and formed and whole. It breaks through the formless dark of his mind and says, boldly and unapologetically, the thought of yourself as you are now once terrified you.

He lays on the floor and turns that thought over like a stone in a river. Like a bright star caught in tissue paper clouds it glares at him, pins itself on the horizon line of his thoughts. Thoughts like that are so beautiful and rare now. Moments of clarity.

Yes. When he was whole and strong and... imperfect, but alive because of that imperfection, he was terrified of this. The slow fade. The loss of will. The loss of life. He was dying. He had been dying for a very long time. The Universe wanted him, because while he lived, his Hermit wasn't whole. And his Hermit, out there somewhere, was trying so hard to be whole. And... he was never meant to exist.

No helsmet was ever meant to exist.

The ache in his chest gets deeper, bottoms out into something that leaves him breathless again. Mourning. No one else would mourn him so... surely he was allowed, while he still had thoughts to think, to mourn himself. He was crying. The soft patter of his teardrops marred the straight, compact lines of the crimson floorboards with freckles. He clutched the little sketchbook to his chest and curled up on the floor, and he was wracked, briefly, with the fear and mourning and loss he rarely was able to feel. And he reveled in it. In the fact that, for just a few moments, he cared.

Stand up, please. You're thirsty. You're hungry. You want to live.

No. No. He wanted to go back to that dream. It had been so much kinder.

Someone was out there, standing in an endless field of green, beneath an endless sky of blue. He had a labcoat folded over his arms, tightly curled horns blooming from his head, and a smile that could light up the sun. And the wind blew, and set wildflowers dancing. And they stumbled towards each other, inexorable as two stars colliding. And he was a small thing dying, searching for a moment's warmth and softness, and his Hermit took him by the hands and said, "I lost you there for a minute. Are you coming back to stay yet? You'll like it here, I promise. We'll have adventures together, you and me. There's so many questions to ask, an entire Universe to explore! And you'll be here with me, won't you?"

And he could not say he had no choice.

And he could not say he wanted to live.

Because it was all just a dream, and only the few lucky, for a moment, controlled what their dreams gave them. All he could do was hold onto his Hermit's hands and pray this one didn't turn to nightmare.

"I should... leave a note," he whispered to the empty room. "He'll... remember he's missing something... eventually. He'll... want to know."

"You're right, a note would be kind! Here, I'll help you. Dear Evil Beesuma, don't worry, I've gone to meet my new friend Z--"

There was a pencil stuck between the pages at the end of the sketchbook. On that page was a drawing of someone he no longer recognized. That face hadn't looked back at him from a mirror in... well. In a very long time. He blinked at the little self portrait, watching the stranger there for... too long. Too long.

He'd been doing something. What was it?

That ache in his chest drilled itself through his ribs. He grimaced, and buried his face in his sketchbook.

"Hey, don't cry again it's alright. It's a little confusing isn't it? I said I would help you. Will you let me help you?"

He shook his head.

"I am sorry. Truly. I'm not trying to be mean. It's just. You seem so much happier here. And you feel so tired there. You don't want to be that person anymore, do you?"

"No," he whispered. "No I don't."

"Would you still like to write something? Or would you like to come here?"

"He'll remember something's missing," he insisted quietly.

"Yeah he will. But that's what the stone was for, right?"

Oh. Yes. Yes his remembrance stone. He'd carved his name. So people would remember. But he'd never taken it to a wall. He'd thought. He'd thought. Time. He was supposed to have more time. Time to place his stone. Time to visit his friend one last time. Time to tell his neighbors, the nice ones who kept bringing him dinner twice a week, because they were worried he would be so busy in his workshop he'd forget to eat. And the shopkeep he bought his spare parts from, who always told him about his life, and the man he was seeing, and how they were living together now. And they all had someone who cared, who would remember them. Who would take care of them when they lost time. Who would pick them off the floor when they fainted. Who would help them clean up broken glass when they couldn't bare to see what they were becoming. People who cared. People who cared. People who cared.

"I'm going to be forgotten," he said quietly. "I'm going to be forgotten, and no one will care."

He was still on the floor.

He was still on the floor, and he was tired. He thought he might fall asleep again. Here. On the floor. Where he'd fallen asleep the first time, and lay until his shoulder bruised, with no one to turn him over, or carry him someplace soft and warm.

He had been dreaming of someplace soft and warm.

"Dear EB," he whispered to his dark room, as the breeze rattled the shudders upstairs, and outside someone shouted on the street, and the world turned and forgot him. "I'm sorry I didn't come to visit. I didn't want you to worry. D-don't worry. I've gone to meet a friend. Signed..."

He blinked at his sketchbook, vision unfocusing. He was tired. He wanted to sleep. The ache in his chest was fading, replaced with quiet ambivalence.

"Signed..."

"Oh deary me. Do you remember your name?"

His eyes fluttered closed. He buried his face in his hands. He thought he could see, in the distant dark in the back of his eyelids, shapes of grass. Light seeping in. Hels was hot, dry, scorching. This place wasn't. It was soft and warm, and there was sun on his skin.

"It's alright," he said, and he laughed like the sun. "That's what the stone is for, isn't it?"

Yes. Yes that's what the stone was for.

He couldn't say that out loud. He wasn't one of the rare, happy few who could control their dreams.

"So how about it?" Zedaph asked, taking him by the hands. "Will we go on an adventure together?"

He had friends back home. He had a life he had enjoyed living once.

He was never meant to exist.

He couldn't talk in dreams.

"Don't be scared," Zedaph grinned, pulling him along. "We'll go together, yeah?"

He couldn't talk in his dreams.

He closed his eyes.

He stopped feeling the grass beneath his feet.

He stopped feeling the sun on his skin.

There was only Zedaph, radiant as the sun, and perfect and whole.

In hels, there was an empty room.

#the barking writer #rns ficlets #hels!zedaph #zedaph #hermitcraft #rns worldbuilding #hels worldbuilding #uhhhh #tw the sads #tw major character death #blaming the discord for this one /silly

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cinnamonest · 11 months ago

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I've been thinking more about promiscuous darlings which led me to the idea of prostitute!darling, and I was thinking about that like in that event a while back where Paimon says Kaveh seems like “the kind of guy that would be easy to take advantage of” and it got me thinking how quickly and readily he would fall in love with a prostitute… literally lured and baited as easily as a fish to a hook.

He doesn't like the thought of what he's doing, initially. He's never been the sort of person who associates with morally questionable things — he’s heard that a lot of those girls don't really want to be doing it, they just need money, so participating would be taking advantage of them, wouldn't it? He couldn't do something so awful.

But he's got a lot of pent up frustration. His work is hard, he's not in a good place financially, he's stressed, pent up, and has no outlet for release. And even if he strives to be a good person, he's still a guy, still has urges that, when gone unmet, only contribute to that frustration.

In hindsight, he feels like something possessed him. Couldn't say exactly what caused him to take a course of action so far removed from what he would have thought was his personal character.

It's just a particularly bad day, after particularly disagreeable clients spent a particularly long time endlessly getting in his face and complaining and snapping at him, he worked particularly late and is particularly frustrated and seething and wallowing as he sulks home so late at night, and he's particularly irritated because some construction going on forces him to take a different route home, and—

You just so happen to call out to him. And when he turns his head, he immediately stiffens up.

So pretty. You have that specific body type he’s always found most alluring, always pictured in his head when he would lay in bed and jerk off all day after classes. And he can certainly tell, because those outfits you girls on this part of the street wear certainly leave very little to the imagination. So much skin, he can see your entire leg, from the hip down to the ankles and all the curving along the way, he can see most of your tits too, cleavage spilling out from the top. It's immediately captivating. If he was thinking straight, he would suppose that's kind of the point, but he's too lost in the sudden burst of stimulation to his eyes to think about much at all.

You have such a nice smile, such a sweet voice. And now that you have his attention, you put on that whimsical feminine charm, shift your weight from one foot to the other, hips swaying all playfully, and he has to ask you to repeat what you said because he didn't hear you the first time, he was too distracted, and it feels so embarrassing to say that, but you just giggle — it's so cute — and repeat your question — if he wants to come inside.

He swallows, stumbles over his words at the prospect, you're being very forward — oh, wait, you probably mean come inside the building. Oh… that makes more sense, at this stage in the process. Whoops…

But that isn't much better. He's still red in the face and hesitates, all uh, ah, I, um, I just…

Yes, he isn't sure exactly what possesses him. It’s not something he would ever do on his own, surely. It feels more like the word comes out of his mouth on its own.

Sure.

The following events seem almost surreal, in hindsight. He can't remember what you even talked about, some empty meaningless conversation about what he does for a living or if he's been around this area before, some placeholder of a conversation that he knows full well is merely a courtesy to make it all feel a little more natural, empty words that are mutually understood to be just a buffer to prevent awkwardness as you walk up the stairs, to fill the short span of time before you get to the point.

He remembers said point a lot better. Long after it's over, he can remember the feeling of your mouth on his, and the way you pulled on the back of his neck to pull him on top of you, the rush of euphoric chemicals to the brain the moment you pulled just one little button undone and the whole thing you're wearing comes falling off, the visual of your body (he’s never actually seen a girl naked in real life before, it’s so captivating, the anatomy textbooks don’t do it justice), and the way your tits bounce with the movements and the way they feel in his mouth and the image of his cock driving into you over and over (no one ever told him it feels so warm and wet, so good, has he really been missing out on this all this time?) and the sounds you made are practically permanently burned into his brain.

So much so, he keeps thinking about it for days on end. He felt kind of sad when he left, but he knows that he only paid for a limited time slot, so it would be unfair to ask to stay any longer, but the way you smiled and waved and told him you hoped to see him again — still naked, body pressed up against the doorframe, the way your chest shifted when you waved — made him feel so warm, made his heart beat fast all over again.

It's all so distracting. He works at a much slower pace than usual, the following days, keeps getting distracted by the lingering visuals in his head and the way he keeps getting hard whenever he thinks about it, and not to mention the guilt.

Yes, as euphoric as it was, he feels terrible. Like he's done something wrong. Swears to himself that he'll forget about it and never do it again, that it was a one-time thing.

But he begins to rationalize it to himself.

Sure, you do it because you need money, but that means that if no one participated in the exchange, then you wouldn't make any money at all, and that would be worse, right? Besides, everyone knows some of those guys that engage in this sort of thing are terrible, mean people — but he's not, he's a really nice guy! So by seeing you, by being the one to buy your time, he's protecting you from potentially having to do it with really bad men. So, when you think about it, he's actually doing something really good.

And it improves his life, too. The next day, he finds that the nagging clients don't really get under his skin at all. Sure, they're complaining and being mean to him, but he's not really paying attention, it all feels far away, like it's not even real. He just feels full of this warm, fuzzy feeling, total bliss, like floating, without a care in the world. He isn't stressed, isn't worried. He even thinks to himself that, you know what, that task or that work can wait until tomorrow, no rush, and if someone gets mad about it, too bad.

He ends up just laying in bed, grinning like an idiot, basking in the euphoric high that lasts him several days on end.

…Except then, it fades away.

Soon he's back to the stress, constant state of being overwhelmed, the little things start to upset him again, and he actually feels more miserable than he did before, now that he has such a good feeling to compare to.

You said you hope he comes back, didn’t you? And he’s pretty sure he stuttered out an o-oh, okay, so now he’s obligated.

Thus, soon enough, he's back.

It's not like he's intentionally seeking you out. He just felt like walking home a different way today, is all, which just so happens to be the route that took him by you last time, and he has no intention of seeing you, it just so happens to be the case that you are standing around outside and you do happen to see him and you choose to call out to him (by his name!! You remember him!!), you're smiling and have such a sweet voice, you clearly want him to come in (do you like him? You wouldn't be smiling if you didn't, right?) and it would be mean of him to reject you, wouldn't it?

Yes, you're clearly happy. You smile all over again. He's not doing anything wrong, it's only wrong if the girl doesn't like doing it. He would never taken advantage of one of those vulnerable girls that's forcing herself to do it for money. But you're not like that, so it's okay.

Which is how he ends up back there a third time. Because it's okay, and it makes you happy, and it makes him very happy, so it's all okay.

And besides, what you two have is different. It's not like the normal cases, where the girl is just in it for money and doesn't want the guy at all. You clearly enjoyed your time with him. Probably a welcome relief from all the gross old guys you have to see.

And it's different because it's not just sex. Normally, with this sort of thing, it's cold and impersonal, isn't it?

But you smile so sweet and run your fingers through his hair, and cradle his head in your arms and pull him close and coo and fuss and run your fingers down his back. And since he intends to pay for the entire night this time, you get to just lay there together, and you're so warm and soft and you smile and giggle as he talks, so pretty, so nice to him, your skin is so good to touch, you smell so nice.

And the sex itself is different too — you like it, genuinely, he can tell, you make such nice sounds and lewd faces and look directly into his eyes and pull his head forward to kiss him (he one heard someone say that prostitutes never kiss clients, so if you do that it must mean he's different), and you hold him so close and tighten up around him and it feels so so so so good, and the way you quiver and the sounds get louder and you squeal and spasm and it's so so SO good, too good, it feels so passionate that it has to be real.

Yes, it is real. It's not just acting. He can feel the slick wetness all over his hips from you, that means it's real. And you don't even mind when he gets a bit lost in the feeling, starts to really let all the pent-up irritation out, gets rougher and harder and holds you by your throat. He feels so terrible after he cums and realizes what he was doing, keeps sputtering out apologies over and over, but you smile and wave your hand and say it's more than fine, giggle and kiss his forehead, say you wouldn't expect it from such a sweet boy like him, but you like it. If you're fine with it, if you like it, then you're not scared he might actually hurt you. You must really trust him, then.

The downside is that now, work feels so miserable. He keeps thinking about how much he wants to go back to you. Each project feels like torture — why is he here, negotiating with these disagreeable people, slaving away all night, when he could be balls deep in you again, hear your voice, feel your touch?

And he starts to get so irritated and frustrated again, and he finds that this time around, he doesn't have to sit there and let the frustration hit a peak before deciding to do something, he doesn't have to rationalize it for hours on end just to allow himself to give into the urge — the moment the frustration rises, his mind immediately settled on the decision. He has to go see you. You'll make everything better.

Except now, he realizes as he reaches into his drawers, there's a different problem.

…He has no money left.

That means he can't see you. He spent all his savings on you last time.

It makes him feel sick. This can't be happening. What is he supposed to do? He can't just go back to dealing with the frustration all the time! Now that he knows what it's like to be so happy, he can't go without it. He needs it.

It's not just the sex itself, he's not some kind of degenerate, he wants to see you! That's wholesome and good, isn't it? So it’s not like he’s some sort of pervert addicted to sex itself, he’s addicted to you.

And besides, if he isn't there for you, you'll have to deal with other men, and most guys who see prostitutes are bad guys, right? What if one of them hurts you? What if you're expecting him to come, and then you'll feel hurt and sad if he doesn't? You'll be disappointed. He can't let that happen.

So where is he supposed to get money from…?

Well. He has a few means, as he starts to brainstorm a bit. Right, there is a small stash of emergency money he had put away at the bottom of another drawer, that he was saving for a situation where he needed it, but put it away so he wouldn't be tempted to spend it on something unnecessary.

But this isn't like that. It is necessary, for him to continue functioning properly. And for you to have the money to get by! Not only is he guaranteeing your safety for the night, but what if you didn't get anyone if he didn't come? Well, it's unlikely no one would come, but still, you might not make enough money, and what happens then? Don't those guys that own the brothels get really mean to the girls that don't make enough? He can't have that happen. So, this situation absolutely justifies the use of the emergency stash. It's enough to give him another three nights or so. He can just use enough money for one visit, and then by the time he needs another one, he'll have brought in some new money.

No, no, you know what? You need it more than he does. He just gives it all to you at once, and to be honest, it does make his heart skip a beat when your eyes widen in shock. This way, he can reserve the next three nights in a row, right? He originally intended to space them out a bit, but, no, he’s already here, and he’s really needy right now, he’ll just do three nights in a row and figure out how to get more later. He'll just pay upfront. You're so happy. It makes him feel good.

And then, as the night goes on, when you're laying there all curled up together talking about all sorts of things, he off-handedly mentions that you wear that dress of yours all the time, he's never seen you without it, is it your favorite?

And then you get this sheepish look on your face, give an awkward laugh, say that well, you don't really have any other clothes, you sold them all to get by before you ended up here, and you give so much back to the owners that you just don't have enough to get any more…

That's so sad. Poor thing. You can't just not have enough clothes… well, he only has a few things he changes back and forth himself, but girls are really into clothes and stuff, aren't they? You deserve to have nice things, it's sad that you don't get to. He keeps it in mind, says he promises he'll get you something. You say he doesn’t have to. You’re so sweet and considerate. That just makes him want to help you even more.

So when his next project is complete and he gets the payout for it, sure, he only needs about half of it to pay you for one or two nights each week for the next month, and he could get you something cheap and still have a little left over for rent, but… you deserve nice stuff. And the nice stuff would make you so much happier, too, it would earn him favor from you… besides, he has another project he'll finish soon, he can just pay late rent using that.

So he can get the nice stuff. Besides, even shopping exclusively for higher-end stuff, it's still a bit cheaper to buy the super revealing clothes, since they use less fabric. Not that he's a pervert or anything, it's just that you need clothes like that for your job, don't you? It's part of how you lure guys in. The fact that you'll look really nice in it to him is just a side bonus, it's really for your sake.

…Which, actually, does make him feel a bit sick to his stomach. He's getting you clothes that you'll use to hook other guys who aren't him. But, no, he's a mature person, he can't… let himself get upset about something like that… it’s not your fault… he'll just choose to not think about it.

He can distract himself with how happy you are. Your eyes light up and you smile so big and you stand on your toes to wrap your arms around his neck and kiss his face all over. You're happy. You're really, really happy, because of him, he made you happy, his heart is beating so fast, and when you put them on it shows off even more than he thought it would, you can almost see everything, it just barely covers the bare minimum and you seem to really like that, you pull him close and reach a leg up behind him and pull his hips forward and the rest of the night is a hazy blur of lust and euphoria, you're so happy, and he's happy too.

It feels so good. He's been missing out on this all these years. It's the best feeling of anything in the world. He's so, so happy.

He's so happy that people in his life start to comment on it. They ask if something good happened, they say they're glad he seems less stressed. He just shrugs it off, says he's just been feeling better recently, or makes something up about a different change in habits.

And sure, he has to tell Alhaitham that he won't have rent just this one time, it's just that something came up, although he won't specify what it is, but he makes it sound important — not dishonestly, because it is important, it's just that he knows that the first assumption one would make would he something a bit… more important, but if that assumption is made, that's not his fault.

Nonetheless, he's soon out of money again. Gets hit with the same wave of panic. He's got a routine now, a habit, he's dependent on you for his stress. He needs it. If he doesn't get what he needs, how is he supposed to go on? How is he supposed to function? He can't just use his hand anymore, it's not enough, it doesn't have the same effect. And he can't just beg you to sleep with him anyway, he knows you need money, he would never put you in that situation, it would be unfair to you, he's a better man than that. He has to pay you somehow.

He has some things he doesn't need. Tools he hasn't used in ages. Some stuff he hasn't worn or needed in a long time. He can sell a few things.

And, you know what, this client has been really mean to him anyway, so if he cuts a few corners to get paid a bit earlier, it's no big deal, the guy doesn't deserve his best work anyway. It’s a mentality he normally would never take, but… this is different. This is a unique situation that calls for such measures.

And he's taken out loans before from the bank, usually for projects, and he usually pays it back, so they undoubtedly assume it's just another case of that, so he'll take out a decently sized loan… of course, he may need more money for more upcoming projects, and then they won't give him a new loan until he pays back the old one, but… well, he'll cross that bridge when he gets to it.

And normally, he would never, ever, ever do something bad, he's a person who prides himself on his moral values, but it's not like he's doing something bad in this case, its just pure coincidence that he happens to find some guy’s wallet dropped on the ground. It just so happens to have a lot of money in it. And he returns the wallet itself into the nearest law enforcement, he gives the object itself and all the IDs and such back. He's sure the rightful owner would pay him for the good deed anyway. And when you think about it, the fact that this would happen to him just when he needed it, it's probably some kind of divine grace that this happened, and who is he to deny what the higher powers gift him with?

He can keep making it work. And he can keep buying out larger and larger blocks of your time, to ensure no one else gets to you — after that one time he arrived to find out you were already occupied for the time being, it practically made his blood boil, made him feel so sick he walked home and couldn't get the images out of his mind of you with someone else, he can't let that happen again, it would kill him inside.

Likewise, he has to get a bit more earnings, take on some more jobs, sacrifice some more sleep because you keep hinting at certain things you want, and if he doesn't buy them for you, who will? It's all stuff you need anyway — well, stuff you need for your job, all the fancy jewelry and perfumes and clothes and stuff. And he gets benefits, too — your love and favor, you take initiative more, you ride him and kiss him more and let him do all sorts of filthy things you don't let anyone else do (he knows because you told him so), you even let him stop wearing protection when he sleeps with you, and it's so much better, it's completely different, he can't go back to the old way, having to be deprived of that warm, wet heat would be utterly miserable. You even give him a night or two for free, because you like him so much, tell him it should be a secret just between you two, okay? Of course, you can't do it all for free, so he has to come back again soon, but you know, this way, he'll stay incentivized, which is good — because you want him to come back because you like him, not for money, no, never that.

You tell him he's your favorite. You say that he makes you happy. You say you would be heartbroken if he ever stopped coming. You say that you need him.

You say that you love him.

He feels like he's going to die of happiness right there on the spot.

You mention that if someone just paid off your price to the owner (said buying price is whatever the owner decides), plus the debt you accumulate from staying here (it's well known that those fees are how they trap these poor girls into endless servitude), then you would be free — that if someone just pays for you, you could be free to do what you want, that you could sleep with him every day, you could even get married.

So he has to do it. He feels bad about the concept of buying a human being, but, his situation is different, because he's a good guy and loves you. Besides, the sooner he does, then the sooner you'll never have sex with anyone but him ever again. He's saving you, really.

And if he doesn't, what if someone else does? What if someone else took you away from him? He can't even imagine it. The very notion makes him feel nauseous, panicked, distraught. He can't let that happen.

It's not unfeasible. If he really budgets well, saves just a little at a time, he can get you out in no time. Just a year or so. He'll start saving.

And sure, he hasn't paid rent in a while now, and he gets these questions of where his money is going, why he's leaving late at night when he never did that before, all these pesky questions he shouldn't have to answer, because it's none of your business, as he mutters in response. He's just got too much going on right now, and strapped for cash, he'll pay it back eventually, that's what matters.

…Which also makes him realize that, even if he does buy you, you'll have to just come live here with him, and how is he supposed to explain that to Alhaitham… he can just say he got a girlfriend, right? Still, people might recognize you, he'd find out eventually, and then he'd probably realize all the missed rent payments were actually going to him getting laid, and that's… not good… he just wouldn't understand, he's totally lacking in any understanding of romanticism or love… such unfeeling pragmatists are so annoying to deal with… he'll just have to deal with that when it happens…

Except it does end up happening sooner than later. Someone or another (some jerk who can't keep their mouth shut, he'll find out eventually), must have seen him around at night, going to you, and that same person must have reported on him (like a grade school tattletale crying to a teacher, hmph!) and that's how he eventually gets confronted, point blank (absolutely no sense of tact or appropriateness!), one night as he’s trying to leave to go see you, but finds the other blocking the door.

Are you blowing your money on a whore?

Of course, before addressing the matter directly, it's important to point out that it is rude to call women terms like that, they are prostitutes and they deserve to be respected as much as anyone else—

So you are.

Which starts off a much bigger, longer, more heated argument, in which he tries to explain that no he’s not dodging the question and that it is not prostitution, you two are in a relationship, you just so happen to also be a prostitute, but he's trying to help you change that— hey, what's with the sighing like that and rubbing the bridge of his nose like he's exasperated? It's true! You even said you love him!

Okay, yes, maybe it's true that they all say that, but in this case, you mean it, you're different, he wouldn't get it.

And sure, the whole thing is probably surprising from him of all people— what do you mean it's not that surprising? What's that supposed to mean? What— who are you calling an “ideal target”?! That's so mean! You—

And despite his best efforts, there is no point in trying to use reason with someone so cold and devoid of capacity to understand love. It's futile. How pessimistic, so annoying. Besides, he's implying you're a bad person, and he can't stand for that. No, you're not using him, how could he say that?

Eventually it becomes very clear that the conversation is going nowhere, it's very much like talking to a brick wall, someone who just refuses to even try and understand what you two have. No matter. Fine, fine, he'll focus on paying back rent first, but then he's going to buy you, and then he'll see firsthand how loving you are (and surely will not charge him extra for another person living in the house, as he was just threatened with)… he'll see. Eventually.

#baby boy...#.kv

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kangaracha · 1 year ago

Text

QUEENMAKER | CHAPTER 22

---

pairing chan x reader

genre ninth member au, angst, fluff, coming of age, social media, cancel culture, anxiety, depression, forbidden love,

summary To JYPE, the solution is simple; take the sole trainee that will not debut with your brand new girl group, and use her to replace the missing vocalist in your male group that insisted on starting as nine.

Unfortunately, to the fans and the members themselves, it isn't that simple.

status ongoing

taglist OPEN

a/n this thing is a MONSTER and it's all for you. feast. eat pray love. leave me a nice comment. love u all.

previous | masterlist | next

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The moment you step off the stage, your breath still lost from the energy and flying notes of Hellevator, you are surrounded by bodies, squeezing you even tighter than the fear that you'd held in your chest when you'd first stepped up into the flashing lights.

They accost you right there in the dark underside of the stage, steps away from the eyes of the crowd that had only moments ago born down upon you. You feel lightheaded under their grasp, your knees buckling underneath you as the rush of the stage catches up to you; the struggle of your lungs to draw breath, the relief of having made it to the end, the feeling of having done it, stood there and looked at that crowd and realised the dream that had clutched at you since you were far younger and more naive.

It bubbles up from inside you - first, a gasp of breath, searching for air in the suffocation of eight boys howling around you, and then, inexplicably, a laugh, light and hoarse and rasping at your throat as it struggles to the surface. "Okay, okay, wait," Chan says somewhere to your right, pushing Changbin away before he really can squeeze the life out of you and then the others, one by one. "She can't breathe. Let her - breathe-"

Slowly, the group breaks apart, filtering down the hall and back towards the waiting room. Felix is the one that drags you along first, an arm thrown around your neck before anyone else can and a giddy smile plastered across his face. You feel like you should be wearing one too, with the way your head spins and your chest aches with an emotion you can't quite describe, but you find yourself echoing the softer smile that Chan offers as he falls in step behind you, something unspeakable echoing in his eyes.

You can't make out a single word any of them say as you come into the room, standing there bereft in the centre of the whirlwind as they move around you, splaying out across the couches in the corner or removing a part of their outfit that is too uncomfortable to keep wearing. You're not sure what you want to do; the room buzzes with activity, not only from the members, but the staff as well, shifting back and forth as they push chairs together and set up a camera for the livestream that is to follow. The rings on your fingers twist endlessly as you consider your options, turning around and around with the memories of that stage and those songs, these boys in sync around you-

Your eyes fall on I.N, sitting dejectedly on one of the sofas arranged for the livestream with a look on his face that says he is very much not ready for the camera to be turned on at all. You know why without having to go over and ask. You'd seen it out of the corner of your eye during God's Menu, on your way to the front of the formation; his foot slipping out from underneath him as he crouched and the ungraceful sprawl that had followed. You hadn't had time to see what had happened next, if he'd been late standing back up or if he'd kicked anyone else on the way down, but whatever it was had clearly upset him, if he is hiding in a corner now.

He's not alone, at least; Chan is slumped next to him, one hand patting his knee absent-mindedly. The slaps become harder as you approach, trying to goad the younger boy into moving. You suppose it has the desired effect when his hand reaches out to slap Chan's away, his leg never moving.

"Y/N," Chan says as you approach, relief clear in his voice. "Come here. Tell him he hasn't ruined your whole career."

"Why would he have ruined my career?" you ask, sitting tentatively at the edge of the couch.

"It was so obvious that I fell over," I.N answers dejectedly, his eyes fixed on the floor. "It was your first part in your first stage, and everyone would have just seen me messing it up."

A smile curves at your lips despite yourself, your hands itching to reach out and shake this nonsense from him. "I don't care if anyone was looking at me," you tell him. "Maybe you helped me out. And the other three songs were fine, weren't they?"

"Exactly," Chan agrees. "No one got hurt and everyone enjoyed the stage, that's all that matters."

"I just hate that I messed it up," I.N says, and his eyes turn to you. "You were so nervous, and we wanted it to be perfect, and-"

"Hey, I didn't see a thing." Your hands come up as if confessing, your head shaking. "As far as I knew, everything was perfect."

It's a small lie, omitting what you had clearly seen from the corner of your eye, but he doesn't need to know that, not when he looks at you with such lamb-soft eyes and asks, "Really?" and you are able to nod and pat him on the shoulder and then reach out and envelop him in a hug, the way you imagine you would for any little brother you might have been lucky enough to be blessed with (but these little brothers, you think, might just be the biggest blessing there is to gain, so much so that even now you don't feel worthy of it).

Above his head, your eyes lock with Chan's, sharing a look; there is gratitude in his eyes, and that open warmth that he extends to everyone he meets, and something else that you can't quite pinpoint, an unreadable emotion that flickers across his face and twists in the corner of his mouth, swallowed down before it can give itself a voice.

"What are you looking at?" Chan asks as the clock ticks past midnight, leaning back in his chair to try to peek at your phone screen.

You blink at him in surprise, unprepared for the sudden departure from the conversation you'd been having about whatever happened to come to mind. You'd thought neither of you were really paying attention to the words that were passing between you since Changbin had left the room several minutes ago; Chan's eyes were glued to his laptop and yours to your phone, casually scrolling as you waited for your mind to wind down enough to sleep.

You're reticent to show him what you're scrolling through though, because you know what he'll think, how he'll worry about it. They all do, on the odd occasion they catch you, and maybe they have a point - when you sit here and acknowledge the dissatisfaction that is slowly putting down roots in your chest now that the performance is over and done and you've had time to read what they think and compare it to your memory. You'd been happy with your efforts earlier in the day, but at this hour now, watching it back and seeing the cracks-

"Is that twitter?" he asks, and if he leans even further to be able to see, you don't call him out on it, just sigh and turn your phone so that he can see, accepting your fate. It's too late in the night for lying, and you probably need to hear something nice about yourself just once in this hour, if you're being truthful.

His face furrows as he reads what's on your screen, his hands reaching out to take the phone from your hands. His frown only gets deeper the further he scrolls; it's a darker expression than you'd thought, something closer to fury than you'd thought he was capable of.

"I just wanted to see what they thought of the performance," you say, as if that's any excuse when you'd already had a feeling about what you'd find.

"You could have just asked me if it was good," Chan replies. "Or Lee Know. We're not going to lie to you." You can still see that anger in his face when he looks up, but it isn't directed at you - instead, it softens when your eyes meet, replaced by the concern you knew was coming instead.

You shrug. "I wanted a wide range of opinions," you say, as if that makes the vitriol you've handed him any better.

"This isn't a wide range of opinions," he says. "This is-"

"What is it?" you ask when he pauses mid sentence, craning your neck to see what he's seeing.

He clicks out of it before you can read anything, navigating smoothly back to the endless stream of tweets you'd been looking at before. "Nothing," he claims, and affixes a brightness to his face that tries its best to mask the disgust that struggles to surface. "I can't believe you don't trust us. What are we even here for?"

"I trust you," you say. "I just wanted to see what everyone else said."

"No you don't," he insists, his voice lifting higher and higher as if he's going to laugh. "You didn't even back me up when I told you Changbin's lyrics needed work."

You know the humour is only surface-deep when his eyes flick back to the phone screen, but it gets to you anyway, lifting at the corners of your mouth and easing the weight in your chest. He's hard to resist like that sometimes, even when you know exactly what he is doing and why he is doing it. "What does that have to do with anything?"

"You didn't think I was telling the truth then," he claims, "and you won't think I'm telling the truth now if I tell you the performance was amazing."

"You haven't even tried," you poke back, crossing your arms indignantly. "You just made up all these lies about me for yourself and said nothing."

"Oh, you want my compliments now?"

"No, I'm not that desperate."

"Lying again, it's such a bad look."

"What was that?" you ask as your phone beeps in his hand, a message popping up in the notification bar. Chan clicks it for you dutifully, pulling up your private thread with Changbin - a moment passes while you read, and then you cough out a laugh.

"Wasn't he going to sleep?" you ask, shaking your head at the message.

"It has been a whole three hours since he last ate," Chan answers, and then pauses as he looks at the screen again, his eyes narrowing. "Why are all your contacts blank?"

"What?" you say, and then you see that he has bumped back to your message list; a long line of grey bubbles, broken up only by the colourful pictures that they have set for each other in the group chats. "I don't know."

"I wasn't reading your messages," he adds before you can answer, handing the phone back to you. "I just noticed you had nothing set for Changbin. He's like, the easiest one to get a photo of."

"I don't have any photos of any of you," you point out. "What am I supposed to do, google for photos of you?"

"Just take photos of us?" Chan suggests in answer, and then he sees what your fingers are already up to on your phone screen. "Hey, no, hold on - hey, don't do that-"

"One of these?" you ask and hold the phone up so that he can see, an impish smile on your face.

"No, no, no, no, no," he replies, his ears turning red. "No, put that away. Oh my god."

"What about this?"

"Give me that," he says, snatching at your phone. It takes him three tries to get it - you screech as he leans forward, trapping you between your chair and the table as he grabs at your wrist and then your fingers, the offending photo sliding away on the screen. His breath is hot on your neck when he laughs, his nails gentle where they bite into the skin of your thumb, prying the phone from your grip.

You give it up without fighting; your fun has been had, after all, and his face is flushed red, the laugh that bubbles up from his chest more genuine than the light fun he had been poking earlier. You've even nearly forgotten about the tweets you'd been reading, the black mark they've left inside your chest covered up by your shirt and the silly giggle that spills out of your mouth, unable to be swallowed.

"Here," he says and lifts your phone, posing so subtly for the camera that you're not even sure he knows he's doing it. "Now you have one out of eight." It only takes him a few taps to set the photo, as if it really was as easy as ten seconds of work that you'd been neglecting, and then turns the phone to show you.

"Do you want me to send you photos of the others, or are you going to do it yourself?" he asks.

"No, I'm going to ask Minho for all of his weird photos," you answer.

He laughs despite himself, the giggle high and breathy. "The ones in the group chat aren't enough for you?"

"No," you say. "No, I'm starting to think I need blackmail material."

Chan lets his face fall in slow motion, from humour to despair. "I used to think you were on my side," he laments to the room at large, as dramatic as any actor you've seen, "but you have the worst friends."

"That you introduced me to."

The grin that spreads slowly across his face and the wicked glint that flashes in his eye send apprehension shivering down your spine. "Actually," he says, "Felix introduced you. And you called him sunbaenim."

You freeze, deer in the headlights as your cheeks turn red, and he bursts out laughing, unable to help himself anymore. "Okay," you say, defeated, and sink back into your chair as if it might swallow you, pointing at his computer. "Please go back to your music stuff before I leave."

"Okay then," he says, leaning forward, and then looks at you again. "Hubaenim."

You bury your head in your hands and groan.

TAGLIST

@kokinu09 @rainfallingfromthesky @lixie-phoria @mysweethannie @chlodavids

@hanniemylovelyquokka @tfshouldidohere @lauraliisa @puppysmileseungmin @kalopsian-thoughts

@puppy-minnie @readerofallthingss @dvbkie099 @kthstrawberryshortcake-main @acker-night

@d-chagi @lynlyndoll @borahae-reads @ihrtlix @yienmarkk

@minhwa @i2innie @jinnie-ret @conwunder @amesification

@starssongs98 @weirdhumanbeinglol @morinuu @the-weird-mold-in-the-sink @bokkiesplace

@amyyscorner @jiisungllvr @skzstaykatsy @blackhairandbangs @jungkookies1002

@hyuuukais @imsiriuslyreal @thatonedemigodfromseoul @gini143 @mercurywritesstuff

@splat00z @filmbypsh @palindrome969 @crabrangoongirl25 @enzos-shit

@jabmastersupriseee @kayleefriedchicken @hynjinswrld @duhgurl @cheshireshiya

@keepswingin

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rarepairdumpster · 5 months ago

Text

Firelight Viktor AU Part 1

Inspired by THIS ART

Pairing: Viktor/Silco (Arcane) Rating: M C/W: Trauma Discussion, Hint to previous SA, Honestly this AU is a lot of politics with underlying sexual tension

Firelight Viktor taking full advantage of Silco's bad depth perception to race circles around him.

Silco eventually grabbing him and pinning him down and snarling in his ear about choosing the wrong person to be toying with.

And then Silco hears the sound of something priming, and he looks down to see a freakishly advanced pistol a hairs breadth from his belly.

"You sure about that?" Viktor asks, voice carrying an almost mechanical overtone.

Silco smirks and releases Viktor, holding his hands up. "That's quite the weapon you have. Fascinating engineering."

"Keep moving. Don't stop until I say," Viktor orders

Silco complies, but he's endlessly amused.

Finally, Viktor is back on his feet, gripping something to keep his balance. The pistols aim never wavers though.

Next thing Silco knows, a blast of energy hits him. He wakes up a while later, groggy and sore from where he'd slammed into the ground.

"A stunner," Silco growls, anger chasing away his grogginess. And then he laughs. "Ingenious, Viktor."

Because he already put 2 and 2 together.

The next time Viktor comes home from the lab, Silco is sitting on his couch smoking and drinking brandy.

"Do sit down, Viktor. I thought we might finish our conversation."

Viktor can't get over the audacity of Silco inviting him to sit down in his own fucking house.

Viktor chides himself for not grabbing his stunner before he left the lab. "I'm not interested."

"No?" Silco smirks. "Then I suppose there won't be an issue when Chief Marcus arrives in ten minutes."

Viktor freezes. "You wouldn't."

"Wouldn't I?" Silco's gaze sharpens. "As far as the firelights are concerned, I'm an unscrupulous monster; isn't that so?"

Silco takes a sip of his brandy, casual as fuck.

Viktor looks down and his grip on his cane tightens. "You flooded the Lanes with Shimmer. You're constantly sending your enforcer dogs after us. What else am I supposed to think?"

"Flooded the Lanes with Shimmer?" Silco laughs at that. Actually, full-body laughs for about 3 seconds. "As powerful as I am, I can't force an entire city to become addicts."

Silco pushes a hand through his hair, laugh fading to a resigned smile.

"I don't make anyone take Shimmer," Silco continues. "It fills a medical need that Piltover has both caused and neglected to treat. Addiction....I can't control that. All I can do is help mitigate the torture of withdrawal."

"It-Its not medicine," Viktor repeats what he's heard Ekko say dozens of times before. "No one has ever been helped by it. Just hurt."

"It is medicine." Silco taps the side of his face and chuckles, without mirth. "Without Shimmer, I'd be dead on the side of the road. I was the first person to use it. To be helped. And I fought to make it available to others. And the firelights have been trained to look at me like I'm an animal with no compassion. Because that boy, the saviour, carries a personal grudge against me."

"He said you killed Benzo and Vander," Viktor spits. "I don't blame him for having a grudge."

"Did he also tell you I killed the enforcer that Benzo and Vander were about to sell us all out to?" Silco raises an eyebrow. "Sit, boy, and I'll tell you my side of things."

Viktor purses his lips, but sits, as far from Silco as he can

"You seem older than the others. Where were you during the Day of Ash?" Silco asks once Viktor has settled in.

"Hiding," Viktor answers, frowning severely, "with my mother. We lived on the Entresol. She was ill and I'm...."

Viktor gestures to his leg. "But we heard the screams. The gunshots."

"We orchestrated it, Vander and I," Silco explained. "Our plan was to take control of the bridge and if we could, the port. If we had something Piltover required to survive, they would be forced to listen and negotiate." Silco's fist balls up and his jaw tenses.

"We had a mole. Within our organization. I had been so careful with who we let in, but I was distracted." He thinks of Vander and Felicia and the kids. All liabilities. All weaknesses.

"Topside knew we were coming," Silco sighed. "We were out manned and outgunned before we even stepped foot on that bridge."

Viktor bows his head, listening. It had been a massacre. He remembers seeing all the bodies piled up the next morning, waiting to be buried. Remembers the flies buzzing around, crawling between parted lips and over open eyes locked in terror. He remembers the smell. He almost smells it now, thinking about it.

"The enforcers cut through us like paper," Silco says quietly, voice little more than whisper now, as if his words might disturb the past. "We never stood a chance. Most of us were slaughtered without mercy. And those of us that survived.....we were hunted like animals, chased through the Lanes so hard we thought we'd never make it. We had to split up, try to separate their numbers, give someone a chance to live and keep fighting."

Viktor is enthralled as he listens, unconsciously leaning forward a bit as Silco speaks. He had never heard this before, from anyone. No one talked about it and now he knew why.

"I ran to where Vander and I said we would meet if things went south," Silco swallows thickly and his fingers trail down the side of his face. "But he had gone mad. He blamed me for all the death. Said that I was the one responsible. His own hand did this to me."

When his fingers trail down the side of his face, some of the foundation/concealer is rubbed away, leaving patches of sickly grey skin visible.

It also reveals how deep the gouges from Vander's nails really are, like craters almost. He looks like he was mauled by an animal. A large cat or a wolf or something.

To think this was inflicted on him by a man?!

"I got away, barely," Silco goes on. "If it hadn't been for the Doctor and shimmer, the river toxins would have taken far more from me than just my eye."

"I...I don't know what to say," Viktor says softly, mind reeling.

Silco smirks. "You don't have to say anything." He finishes his brandy and sets the glass down before standing up. "You're smarter than this, Viktor. Just think about what I've said."

"Wait," Viktor says, raising a hand. "What did you mean when you said Vander and Benzo were going to sell us out? You've explained why you were at odds, but not that."

Silco sighed. "When the rebellion failed, Vander became weak. The only reason the lanes were saved was because he made a deal with topside." Silco's expression turned sharp. "He peddled our lives like tokens in the name of 'peace' when all it did was allow Piltover to keep their boot on our necks."

Viktor hesitates, uncertain.

"And Benzo encouraged him," Silco spat. "An insidious voice whispering in his ear. I don't have proof of who betrayed us on the Day of Ashes, but I have my suspicions."

Silco took a deep breath and ran a hand through his hair.

"I don't blame Ekko," Silco finally says, causing Viktor's eyes to widen in surprise. "He didn't know what Benzo really was like. I doubt many people did."

his mind flashes back to a time in the last drop where Benzo was too drunk and cornered Silco and wouldn't take no for an answer

"At the end of the day, Ekko is just a misguided child looking for someone to blame for his heartache."

Silco can see that Viktor is lost in thought, so much information overloading him a bit. "You know where to find me," Silco finally says, tossing a card with a neon symbol that resembled an eye onto the end table.

Silco is gone before Viktor emerges enough to say "Hm?"

Part 2 Arch + Woods

#vilco #silco arcane #viktor arcane #viktor #silco #rarepairdumpster #fanfic #firelight AU

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katsukikitten · 2 months ago

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"It's too hot." A pouty tone he's heard thousands of times, the same tone that earned your name sake, although then he said it to mock you. Just kids then.

"Well, princess," He bites, hand out while the other is splayed against the fading ink, "I like it hot."

"And bitter." Sticking out your tongue and it makes him scoff.

"All the more reason to let me drink my half." Coming closer with his free hand watching you twist your body to keep the steaming cup away from him.

"But it's hot."

"Which you do not like." He's losing patience not that he had a lot in the first place. Between you and Dante, the two of you would be the death of him.

"Yes, but it makes me feel warm." Pulling it closer to your chest, nodding at the book in his hands, "Turn the page!"

"Oh, you finally caught up?" Looking up from the cup of tea and instantly he freezes.

Fat tears form on your lash line, slipping down round cheeks, falling all the way down onto the soft linen of the dress his mother gifted you. Vergil didn't see you cry often, in fact he was sure Dante would sooner cry than you. Yet here he sat, the cause of your tears, and they aren't even angry ones.

He thinks that is what makes it worse. How your face contorts into that of hurt.

In a flash you press the tea into his hand, pushing away from the plush couch rushing away from him without even a swipe of your claws.

He thinks that hurts more.

He abandons his book of poems, rushing to grab at your tiny wrist, stopping you just before you leave the large personal library. If he hadn't he knew he would have lost you somewhere on the large Sparda estate.

He isn't good with the word sorry, his brother can attest to that. Still he's racking his brain for something.

Anything.

He tries to quip to make up for the heavy air, to give you a reason to stay even if he never states his apology aloud.

"If you leave now the tea will get too cold to hold." He swallows thickly, hands sweaty, "Which means your sugar cube won't melt properly for your half."

"Wouldn't that be great for you? Not having to share or wait." It's supposed to come out as a hiss, instead the pitiful tone pulls at his heart strings.

"Apologies." He cannot believe he blurted that out, it feels raw and awkward on his tongue, worse yet the confession that comes after, "I really enjoy spending time with you, I should not have teased you about that."

You rip your wrist from his grip, he's used to you being temperamental but he doesn't want this. Doesn't want you to leave and he read his book of poems alone. He loves the afternoons the two of you share, pouring over the pages of Blake.

"Then you better put the sugar cube in it now." Turning around, wiping at your pretty eyes, "Otherwise it will be too cold and I will leave."

"Of course, princess."

He heeds your warning as the two of you press into the couch as the sun bleeds in through the glass, warming the tops of two small heads. Stirring the spoon to melt the cubes, taking a sip with a grimace. Passing you the tea back to hold and to have while he taps his finger subtly and slowly on his thigh where you can't see. It only takes four before you ask to turn the page.

One

Two

Three

Four

Four slow twitches of his fingers, the smell of sulfur clinging to his skin. Still he takes in a deep breath, letting it out slowly before his sapphire eyes open. Pain throbbing in his dislocated shoulders, suspended in cold chains before an empty throne.

Yamato at his feet, lying in wait, not yet broken and neither was he.

Mundus could cut away pieces of Vergil endlessly and still he would never be able to rid Vergil of you.

In every part of his being there will always be you.

"I will rid you of your burden, I will cut away your human heart, your ego. There is no need for such things." Mundus presses his large pointer finger into Vergil's chest, sapphire eyes glued to his in defiance.

One

Two

Three

Four

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nicospen · 3 months ago

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Shinya's Mistake

Pairing: Guren Ichinose x Shinya Hiiragi fanfic.

cw: angst, slight mention of unrequited love

mlist

"I am willing to drown myself in power to save you."

The last words that damn Ichinose uttered before Shinya blacked out. He hated this. He hated himself.

He hated Guren.

He doesn't understand what Guren just said. It didn't make sense in the slightest. Just what the hell does Guren want? What did he want to achieve? One second ago he was stopping Shinya from interfering with the Seraph (Kimizuki's sister) and the next he was trying to revive the world once more.

Confusing, Shinya thought.

Guren was confusing. Shinya didn't understand how Guren thinks and acts, which makes it more infuriating! Guren was a mystery to Shinya. Back then, Shinya thought he understood Guren the most, but now it seemed like the more he tried to understand Guren, the less he understood about him.

Oh how he missed the days when they were just mere highschool students, fighting and bickering per usual. The days he understood the familiar but unfamiliar man.

Shinya opened his eyes and sat up. His eyes widening slightly. His breathing quickened as a familiar place emerged before him. The highschool he used to go to before the whole situation happened.

"Byakkomaru," Shinya called out as he looked at the scene before him— the first time he saw Guren. "Stop playing games with me. We have to get back to—"

To what? Guren? Yuuichiro and the others? If maybe, just maybe...

No.

Honestly, he had to admit, back then,Shinya did not really care about Guren. He was merely curious of the type of person Mahiru would fall in love with. Especially since Mahiru did say Guren Ichinose was the person she loved, not him. Not Shinya.

So what if he took a little peep (and maybe somewhat test his strength...) at Guren? Maybe a few talismans here and there— but still! Guren came out of that brawl semi-okay. And, it built a solid bond with the two.

It was as if they were meant to meet, to be together.

No. Get your head out of the clouds! Shinya thought.

The scene suddenly changed. Shinya was suddenly somewhere else. He watched as 16 year old Shinya talk to someone on the phone.

Isn't this...

It was that night, the night when Guren called Shinya that he had sex with Mahiru.

Byakkomaru suddenly appeared before him. Shinya just smiled before the demon. His signature and cool smile.

"Byakko," Shinya said, the nickname casually rolling off his tongue. "Why are you showing me this?"

Byakkomaru sighed.

"Shinya," Byakkomaru called out. "Do you not feel an ounce of hatred towards Ichinose? That night, you did not show any hatred... Instead you felt pity."

"Ha!" Shinya exclaimed. "Pity? Why would I pity him?"

"No, Shinya. You do not pity him. You pitied yourself. You pitied yourself endlessly."

Shinya bit his lip, not wanting to listen to what the actual fuck this damned tiger demon was saying.

"Why would I do that to myself?" Shinya asked, smiling.

"Did you not ask yourself? 'Why her? Why not me?'" Byakkomaru stated.

Byakkomaru was right after all. Once Guren ended the call, Shinya stayed awake, asking himself question after question.

Shinya chuckled to himself before saying, "Byakkomaru, you misunderstand me. I'm not the type of person to..."

"I suppose you would not mind if I took over your body and kill Ichinose?"

"That's a different thing now. I consider Guren as family and—"

"Do you feel the same for Norito Goshi and the others?" Byakkomaru asked.

"Yes I do, but—"

"Shinya. You and I are connect in both mind and soul. I know what you feel for that bastard."

Shinya sighed, but maintained his smile.

"You already knew," Shinya said. "And you ask me such questions."

Shinya smiled and looked at the ceiling, before it changed into a scene where rain was falling. Although it was only a part of the demon's ability, it seemed real. All of the memories he refused to remember, all of the things he forced to lock away deep inside him.

It all came crashing back.

"You loved him did you not?"

"No. I love him." Shinya corrected. "Quite stupid of me, right? Falling in love with someone like him... But he's the only one I have left. I understand why Mahiru fell for him..."

Shinya turned to Byakkomaru with a sad smile.

"I made a lot of mistakes in the past. A lot I have learned from. But Guren? He's like a drug. A drug I can't get enough of. I want his affection. I wanted to be his everything. I wanted to be his need. Like how he is the air I breathe, the water I drink..."

He laughed at himself for feeling this way. For being pathetic. For falling in love with someone he can't have.

"Foolish, am I right? Out of all the mistakes I have committed... Loving him was my greatest mistake. A mistake I refuse to learn from."

Back in the real world. Guren glanced at an unconscious Shinya, blissfully unaware of the turmoil happening within Shinya.

Guren lowered his lashes and wiped away at a stray tear that fell from the corner of Shinya's eye.

"Get up soon, m'kay? I'll guard you while you rest." Guren muttered.

a/n: GAH I'VE FINALLY FINISH IT. this shi was so complicated to write since i had to check ONS chapters over and over again😔🙏. Ik im bad at writing but like i finally finished my first ever fic!!! (⁠☆⁠▽⁠☆⁠)

#gurenshin #shingure #guren ichinose #guren x shinya #shinya hiiragi #owari no seraph #seraph of the end #fanfiction #i wrote something #i need sleep #protective byakkomaru #angst #wtf did i write #your honor they're gay! i say as i get dragged to the asylum

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velvetvexations · 6 months ago

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incredible, i just saw a reblog of that "transfem headcanons are always better and sometimes transmasc headcanons actively make the text worse and more hateful" by someone i followed. funny to see discussions arguing against the post before seeing the post itself, otherwise i would have unthinkingly internalized it and felt like shit without knowing why. anyway, i unfollowed that person now. to make it worse, op tore into someone for claiming that chihiro from danganronpa is an exception and better read as transmasc... the irony is insane. yet another example besides miquella that would make the story more boring and maybe worse if transfem.

it's so disgustingly petty lmao

a lot of transfem headcanons are reaches, often "this is literally a man magically trapped in the body of a woman and he hates it and desperately keeps trying to go back to being a man" and it's FINE to headcanon characters however you want but since some people can't conceptualize being a woman as anything other than something they wish would happen to them they take characters like that and hiss if you go near them

i get the sense that there's a very specific, narrow demographic of transfems who used to buy into that reddit guy "being a hot 22-year-old girl must be like having 10 billion dollars" attitude and never really let it go. thus the fixation on "AFAB privilege". isee a similar mix of resentment and attraction from lesbian TERFs, though it comes from a different origin. and it's an attitude that can slide easily into TERFism even for cis men--just look at tatsuya ishida!

If anything the idealization of femininity a small minority of transfems exhibit when they complain endlessly about how good trans people AFAB have it would come more from dysphoria and the grass being greener on the other side. "An AFAB trans person will immediately revert to being an innocent little girl to hurl sexual assault accusations at trans women," however, is really concerning!

Regarding whether "binary privilege" exists, i am once again on my hands and knees begging people to actually look at the statistics. The US Transgender Survey and Cohnting Ourselves (from Aotearoa) are right there. And they both show that all trans people are about as badly off as each other regardless of their specific gender. Yes, there are some ways in which being nonbinary is particularly hard, such as not having a social role to fit into, I'm not denying any of that, but if you're going to call being binary a "privilege" then there needs to be a visible whole-group effect for binary people compared to nonbinary people. And there isn't one when you look at the numbers.

It's not really about non-binary people having it flat worse, more just situational complexities.

The thing about even discussing privilege (binary privilege in this case) is that so many people talk as if to have privilege means to inherently have privilege Over someone else. Like is it an advantage for me to be vaguely binary alligned enough sometimes to have a legal gender marker that is moderately less dysphoria inducing when some people are equally harmed by either? (Tbf I live in a state where x is an option, I simply do not feel safe with that 😵‍💫 (tho that does not help when nothing else other than state id accepts it)) like yeah it's a privilege but it's not privilege Over someone. It does not make me an oppressor or mean I am causing harm, which is a thing many people seem to believe, about various forms of privilege

That's a very good point, anon.

I suppose this isn’t how others I’ve seen think about it but. I’ve always just understood that you can be oppressed for being trans without your gender being affirmed. Like. The bigots understand you’re trans but that doesn’t make them think of you as your gender it makes them think of you as trans. Misgendering is such a huge part of what transphobes do and I’ve never once assumed they were like. Lying about seeing trans people that way. I don’t get acting like transphobes can see our, as you put it, soul gender.

It makes people feel better.

#transandro phobia #exor sexism #trans radical feminism #discourse

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erikahenningsen · 1 year ago

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22. A french kiss/kiss with tongue

cc: @emilyjunk

Part 1 / Part 2

Last week, in Honors Ancient Greek Literature, Mr. Rapp had introduced them to the Myth of Sisyphus, and Regina had laughed.

You're laughing, Janis had texted Regina under her desk. Sisyphus is condemned to endlessly roll a boulder up a mountain and you're laughing.

Regina had gotten a stern admonishment from her teacher, but she couldn't find it in herself to care—not when she's in an eerily similar hell of her own making.

Here Regina is, at the base of the mountain, when Cady drops her backpack onto Regina's floor and says, "So Aaron did this weird thing this past weekend."

Regina, who has developed some warped Pavlovian response to the mention of Aaron—a mix of both anticipation and dread—raises her eyebrows in expectation.

"So we were kissing," Cady says, and Regina's heart rate picks up at the same time her stomach twists, "and he..." She pauses, making a face. "Licked me? Like on the lips. Is that normal?"

"Well, yeah," Regina says. "Have you never kissed someone with tongue before?"

Cady huffs. "You know I haven't."

"Right," Regina mutters, mostly to herself. "Well, I guess if you've never done it before, it would seem really weird."

"Yeah, I think he could tell I didn't know what was happening," Cady admits, running a hand through her hair. For some reason, she seems genuinely upset by this.

"I mean, if you don't like it, you don't have to do it," Regina says, although she can't imagine Aaron, the least confrontational person Regina has met in her entire life, forcing anyone to do anything.

"But I want to," Cady says earnestly and—okay, that kind of hurts.

Cady looks at her. Regina looks back.

"So..." Cady says, with a meaningful look. "Can we... practice?"

Regina should say no. She should really, really say no. She can't imagine a way that this ends that isn't very, very bad.

"Okay," Regina says.

She starts pushing the boulder up the mountain.

Cady comes to sit next to Regina on Regina's bed, then scoots a little closer, bracing one hand on the bed.

"Okay, um..." Regina murmurs, moving so they're close enough to be breathing the same air.

Cady places a hand on Regina's cheek with a confidence that makes Regina inhale sharply. She tries not to think about the experience that Cady has gained between when they first kissed and now.

Regina places her hands on Cady's waist and leans in, halting just before their lips touch to instruct, "So when you feel my tongue, just open your mouth a little bit."

Cady nods, barely perceptible, and Regina closes the distance between them.

Cady's lips are just as soft as Regina remembers, and she's almost embarrassed by the way she immediately feels hot, all over her body. For a moment, she forgets what she's supposed to be doing, lost in the feeling of Cady's lips slotted perfectly against hers.

Regina is suddenly aware of how nervous she is, even though she's been kissing boys with tongue since she was twelve. Carefully, as though Cady might suddenly change her mind and back away, she traces her tongue across the seam of Cady's lips.

Cady tenses, and for a second Regina thinks she might pull back, but then she parts her lips—a little too wide, so Regina gently guides her mouth closed a bit with a a hand on her jaw.

Regina tilts her head and brushes her tongue against Cady's. Somewhat unsurprisingly, Cady doesn't move, just keeps her lips parted exactly as instructed, so Regina strokes her tongue more purposefully, coaxing it to life.

Seeming to get the hint, Cady starts to respond, pressing a bit closer with a soft sound that Regina knows will be playing on a loop in her brain later. Regina traces the roof of Cady's mouth, sweeping in broad strokes, and is rewarded with the hand on her cheek sliding around to the back of her neck to pull her impossibly closer.

Experimentally, Regina retreats, but leaves her lips parted invitingly. For a moment, they sit their awkwardly breathing into each other's mouths, before Cady gets with the program and tentatively begins to explore Regina's mouth with her tongue.

It's like every fantasy Regina has desperately wished she never had has come to life, and all Regina can do is cling to Cady's waist as Cady's tongue dips lower to sweep over her bottom lip, then her top—and Regina lets her, frankly impressed that she hasn't passed out or started hyperventilating with how fast her heart is slamming into her ribs.

And then, totally without her permission, Regina moans, a deep sound originating in her chest expelled directly into Cady's mouth.

Regina pulls back abruptly, feeling her face start to burn. She looks anywhere but at Cady.

For a moment, the only sound in the room is heavy breathing.

"Wow," Cady says. Regina refuses to look at her, but she knows she looks beautiful. "Um, thanks."

"Yeah," Regina says, voice hoarse. "Anytime."

The boulder rolls back down the mountain.

#i guess i'm taking prompts by text now too #a lil homage to your fic angie <3 #cadina #mean girls #mean girls 2024 #mean girls the musical #regina george #cady heron #prompts #sleep eludes me so. here i am. writing cadina.

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verilly · 1 year ago

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As If / IGtFA / CitY ✶

Aquamarine Hoshino x Reader

This is PART FOUR, check out other parts in the link below!

REQUIEM: Sixth New Genesis!

What's to come: [Reader likes both genders], [reader joins B-Komachi]

[Songs of the Chapter: "Rain and Petra" by Balloon, "Love Trial" by 40mp, "Repaint" by RAISE A SUILEN]

[5,942 words]

"You got us a spot at the Star-Stage?!" Ruby squealed, hugging your shoulders in excitement as she jumped with joy, "I can't believe it! Ahh!! You really are the best! I love you I love you I love you!!!"

"Ruby, my body is so sore. What are you even talking about..?" You turn your head to look at her, her eyes were as bright as the large light that stood above the two of you.

"What she means is, I booked B-Komachi a performance venue for the largest idol convention that Japan holds. Well for small idol groups at least. B-Komachi only recently re-formed and we are nowhere near as popular as we used to be, so we are incredibly lucky to be able to perform at such a... prestigious location." Miyako says, continuing to type away at the computer in front of her, "Not to mention, the Star-Stage is quite the popular stage as well."

"Yeah! Isn't this just amazing, [name]?!!" Ruby shouts happily, "I can't believe it!! Ahh! This is so so cool! And I'm gonna be on stage with famous people— you!"

"I'm not all that- uhm. Thanks, Ruby." You smile, patting the arm that hugged you tight.

"I have to text Mem and Kana! We are totally going to kill this, and- Wait, why is [alias] in my house right now?"

"You invited me over..? Or maybe it was Aqua? I actually don't remember..."

"That's right! I asked you to come over cuz... uhh..! Oh! Right, I wanted us to make a video together for B-Komachi!" Ruby said, pulling out her phone. Her screen was covered in bullet points and small check marks next to a few of them, "Maybe we should be the one's to announce that we're gonna be at the Star-Stage? I think that'd be cool!"

"Shouldn't all the members be present for something as important as this?"

"True, but... Kana is busy right now, and Mem is streaming!!"

"I'm supposed to be streaming right now as well, do you have a good computer?— Doesn't Aqua have one? Maybe we should announce it live, here I have a program on my phone, so I could just upload the green screen of my model here and..." You pulled your phone out of your pocket and scrolled through all the apps you had cluttered around.

"Oh that is such a good idea!! Aqua!! Aqua!!!" Ruby shouted, running off to find her brother. She almost tripped when she ran up the stairs, you could barely hold in your laughter.

"You know, I'm really glad you decided to join B-Komachi." Miyako says, her eyes not leaving her screen for a second.

"Huh? What do you mean?"

"You're exactly what we needed, it's good marketing. Not to mention, Ruby seems to be a lot more happier when you're around. Plus, you have a great resemblance to the former face of B-Komachi. [name] [last-name], what is it that you truly seek from this job?" Miyako rested her head on the palm of her hand as she looked you in the eyes. You awkwardly bite your lip and break the eye contact as you play with the hem of your shirt.

"I just... wanted the experience, I really do like idols after all★. Is there really a question for why I wanted to join? My mom used to put on B-Komachi videos when I was younger, so it's really no wonder when I pounced on the chance to join, haha!★" You lied, your mom didn't do anything like that, she was always biased towards the k-pop side of things.

"Is that so? Well make sure you give her my thanks, [name]." Miyako smiled as she shut her eyes before continuing to type endlessly on her computer.

"I'm back!! Aqua said he would let you use his computer!~" Ruby sings as she quickly ran down the stairs to grab your hand, "C'mon! I just can't wait!!" Ruby's eyes gleamed brighter when her loud voice turned into a quiet whisper, "Y'know, he wouldn't do this for just anyone, not even for me! I think that he really likes you~"

A blush rises to your face as you look at the ground, how could Ruby just casually say that? It's all just so strange— this family is strange. You finished setting everything up on our phone before you entered Aqua's room. It was just the same as it was the first time you came to make that video to save Akane.

"Thank you so much for letting me use your computer, Aqua." You say, grabbing one of the USB's from his shelf, "It means a lot to me!☆"

Aqua nods as he lays in his bed, scrolling through his phone.

You sigh as you get to work, using your phone to upload the model onto the computer screen, taking away the green screen, downloading assets, creating a BG, adding Ruby to the screen, and starting the stream. You let the countdown go as people start rolling into the chat, you turn your head to look at Ruby and explain what was about to happen.

"Since this stream is kind of... unscheduled, I'll have to explain what's happening to them. So don't talk about this segment, cause I want you to be with me a secret until we reveal that B-Komachi's gonna have their first performance. Is that okay?" Ruby gives you a thumbs up as she watches your screen.

You pan to the next slide and take in a deep breath as you clench your fists.

"What's up guys?! Hi!~ ☆Hello, yeah sorry for such a... unexpected stream! I'm so thankful so many of you guys were able to come! Okay, this is going to be kind of short but I have some stuff to say." You went on about becoming a member of B-Komachi to your online fans, not that you've never said anything to them before, but to push back the time and to draw suspense, somehow, it draws more viewers in.

"Alright so now that that's out of the way, let me introduce to you our guest of the day!☆~" You look over to Ruby and signal her to speak into the mic you had set up as you pull a png of her onto the screen and place her next to your model, "My coworker and friend... Ruby!!"

"H-Hello everyone!! Thank you for having me here!" Ruby nervously says, her hand was on her chest as she kept looking back and forth between the overflowing chat and you. "Oh and especially thank the ones supporting B-Komachi's journey to fame!" Her smile brightened as she saw a multitude of comments sending pink heart emojis.

"Of course! But! We're here to say something very important from B-Komachi!" You state, DMing Mem to see if she would want to join in such quick notice, "And it'll be a secret until you guys show us how much you us!☆"

"Huh?- Oh yeah! You gotta let us know! Is it like this big?" She used her index finger and thumb to barely pinch the hair, "Or this big!!" Ruby ecstatically spread her arms. You gently remind her that they can't see what she's doing as you laugh. She grows silent with embarrassment before picking herself back up, "W-what I mean is... do you guys love us 90% or a thousand-million-bajillion-quadruple percent!!?!"

You smile as you watch Ruby interact with the chat, more specifically, she was fishing for compliments but you didn't comment on it. You pulled your phone out to see if Mem responded and she did! You pulled her into a call with you while she was on stream. Somehow, *Kana joined the three of you guys as well on her phone.

"Okay! Now that all of us are here, let's finally tell them!" You say, clattering on the keyboard with Ruby next to you.

"Let's do a countdown!!!" Mem shouted into her mic.

"Yeah, I think a countdown would be fitting." Kana added.

"Okay everyone! 3... 2... 1...!!" Ruby counted, with Mem joining her after 3.

"We're performing at the Star Stage in two weeks!!" Both you and Ruby said in unison, "And it'll be amazing. So you all better be there, or at least support us on our way there! It'll be awesome and the tickets for our show will be available in a few days I think?" You ask, looking over at Aqua if he had any idea, but his back was turned to you with him laying on his side facing the wall. You sigh, "Well I'll let you all know when they're posted. But also, make sure to follow B-Komachi on Instagram, Twitter, YouTube, TikTok... what else do we have?"

"I think that's it, everything else is pretty irrelevant."

"Okay yeah! Stay tuned!☆~ That's all I had to announce, pretty cool, right? You could see me in person!!" You say, you cough before correcting yourself, "You can see all of us in person! We'll be dancing and singing and doing all this cool stuff, you better not miss it!"

-End of As_If

"Okay! So since we're going to perform anytime now, we should choose our *oshi colors!" Ruby states, placing down a box full of cheap glow sticks that haven't been cracked yet, "Or in other words, our light sticks!~ Don't be shy, girls! Choose?"

"Oh, I think that I want the color-"

"Okay, no one's picking? I guess I'll have the honor to choose first!" Ruby said proudly, putting a hand to her chest as a smirk crawled to her lips, "I'm going to pick... red!!" She exclaimed loudly, picking up the first one she could find from the endless box of light. Kana's eyes widened, as she clenched a small fist in her lap, "It matches my name, not to mention, Ai had the same colors as well! It was truly meant to be!!~"

"Hm, really? I always saw you as a pink girl, Ruby." Mem said, putting a finger to her chin, "Plus, I think that red would fit Kana a lot more, but if that happened... ehh, I don't know, pink and red are really close together in the color spectrum so I guess you two wouldn't be as unique-"

"Shh!! Stop it, all I hear is blah blah blah. Whatever, Ruby can have the color red, I really don't mind." Kana sighed, plastering a smile across her face, "I think that... it suits her a lot more than me, she's really bold. I think, as the leader, I should be white." Kana says, pulling a small glow stick from the box and let it fall gently to her lap, "It would bring us all together, no matter what color Memcho or [alias] choose."

"Really? That's so generous of you, Kana!!" Ruby squealed, running over on her knees to lunge at Kana in a hug, "Ahhh!! I love you, I love you, I love you!!!"

Mem looked at you and pulled out a light glow stick, "If my predictions are correct, this is yellow, and I think that yellow would suit my brand a lot. Don't you agree?" You nod your head in response as air escapes your nostrils, "So what color do you want, [alias]?"

"What should my color be... well, usually for streams I use [color], but since my real-life persona has these rainbow highlights, I don't know what to choose! Any suggestions?" You ask, pulling the box roughly towards you as you stare at your choices.

"I think pink would suit you, but like I said earlier, y'know. Just wouldn't work!"

"What about purple?— no, green!"

"I don't really know either, sorry..."

"Oh!☆ I just had an amazing idea!" You said, straightening your back. You stand up from your cushion and bolt towards Ruby's door as you yell something out to Aqua, "Hey Aqua!!" His head perks out from the door in front of you, "What's your favorite color?"

"Oh, I don't know. Aquamarine? Blue, I guess." He answers, confused.

"Okay then! ☆My oshi color for my time with B-Komachi will be blue!" You announce with a proud smirk on your face, the reactions from the people in the 'crowd' were vastly different, but from behind you, you could feel Aqua's face turn red. You couldn't see it, but you just had the intuition. "And I think it fits even more if you really think about it, 'cause Akane's hair is blue and it'll symbolize my love for her!!" You felt Aqua's presence from behind you after you said that, maybe it wasn't a really good idea to say that in front of him? You don't really know.

Kana's eyes darkened for a second before she shuffled through the box until she found a blue glow stick, tossing it your way with a light hearted smile appearing on her face, "Well, as the not-so-leader of B-Komachi, I welcome you with open arms. Officially!" She, along with Ruby and Mem, brought the four of you into a long lasting hug before breaking the silence, "You're going to color your mask to blue or something though, otherwise it won't make a lot of sense."

"But your whole white thing doesn't make sense!!"

"I'll just ask the director nicely if my outfit could have white as its secondary color instead of the regular pink-ish red. Your blue on the other hand would completely throw off our vibe! It's too much of a cold color, not a warm one like the other girls."

"I... guess that makes sense." You laugh as the sweet embrace quickly ended.

˚⋆୨ ✶ ୧⋆˚

Kana sat on her bed, reviewing what just happened with you and Aqua. You may not have seen what sort of reaction Aqua had, but she did, and he was blushing. She didn't know how to label these feelings other than... perhaps, jealousy—

But it's not that she actually had feelings for that boy. No way, never in a lifetime would the Kana Arima fall for someone like him. All he does is act like he doesn't care, but he does really care deep down, doesn't he?

Kana's face turns red as she curls up into a ball and pushes her head into her hands. Do you think he's cared about me that much? As much as [name]? Or- even as much as Akane?

What do I have to do to make him care?

Kana doesn't understand anything, nothing at all: why does he like you so much? What could she do to make him like her just as much? What can she do?

She groans into her hands as she comes back up for air, what do you have that she doesn't? She doesn't know, but she knows all too well at the same time. The two of you were vastly different. She was moderately normal, sticking to the basics, but you... were just so much more different. You're all over the place, but not to the point of Memcho. You could turn on and off, you were like two different people at the same time. Maybe if Kana had the talent for that, Aqua would like her a little bit more?

The more she thinks about it, the more her jealousy rises. Especially on how much more popular you were. She was a successful child actress for crying out loud! Now all she is is a good for nothing "has-been". A nobody. She fights back the urge to cry herself to sleep again as her head falls onto her pillow.

Tomorrow will be a better day.

Tomorrow was not a better day.

Kana sat as she watched you talk to Aqua, she could barely comprehend what the two of you were talking about, but all she knew was that it made him happy and not her. Your existence infuriated her, but you haven't done anything wrong. She was mad at herself about that too.

The way his eyes shimmered whenever he was in your presence, the same way Ruby's shined, was the worst out of it all. He's never like that with anyone else, never! Not even with his own sister— not even with Akane, so what's so different about you? How could Kana achieve something at your level?

Today wouldn't get any worse than it already is, Kana didn't need to focus on him like that. What she should really be focusing on is B-Komachi's first performance. Today's the last day after all. Right. Kana's fist plops onto her left hand as she prepares the group to get ready to work.

"Alright everyone! Enough sitting around, it's time to work! We want our fans to be extra happy so that we can get even more of 'em!" Kana says, looking towards the group with a pride like no other, "And when we have more fans, we'll make more money...! Not that some of you guys really need to worry about that..." that was a comment directed towards you, she meant what she said, and she said it in a passive aggressive way, but you didn't pay much attention.

"I can't believe that you're finally warming up to the idea of you being the leader, Kana! I'm so excited to be on the stage! Ahh!! I can't hold it in!!" Ruby shouts, doing a little spin as she gets up to hug Kana.

"Not you though Ruby, if you overwork yourself I will personally kill you again." Kana sighs, "In addition: You also really need to know your limits. We don't want to rush over to the sidelines to grab your inhaler on stage, do we?" Memcho and you agree as Ruby pouts.

The workout was nothing to scoff at, but Kana could tell you weren't keeping up with her and the other girls, deep down, she was happy you weren't as good as her, when it came to dancing at least. In most other things, you were a lot better, you had been an idol longer than her, technically, you had experience that neither Kana or Ruby had, the experience of being a virtual idol. Not that Kana was jealous of that though. Kana could leave you to your lackluster performance for your first ever show, or she could bring you up and show her power as the leader.

Kana chose the ladder.

Kana was meant to be a good leader, she had to be.

That's the least she could do, and if she was, maybe Aqua would make her the sun of his life.

"No [alias], you have to be faster!" Kana said, correcting your foot movement, "See, look at this part of the video, her feet aren't matching yours." Kana points at the screen as she kept her gaze at you. You were very tired, you felt like you hadn't blinked in the last 2 hours. "Hello? Are you even listening to me?"

"I- I am!" You reply, blinking to make your eyes feel less dry, "I'm just so... tired, I don't..."

"Don't say that! Today's the last day left, you can't back out now!"

"I'm not backing out! I just need a little rest, I mean– you haven't given me a water break in like forever!" You whine, pulling the mask off your face, "And it's totally not fair that–"

"I'm sorry if it's not fair, but they're better than you." Kana says bluntly, her eyes showed no remorse, you felt... bad. "You can get as many water breaks as you want when you get to their level." She did feel bad for saying it, but she couldn't tell you, to her, that was the truth.

"Oh..." You frowned, but immediately put up a different front, "☆But if I'm not hydrated I won't be able to do my best! And I really do want to do my best, I'm trying really hard!"

"Erm- well..."

"C'mon Kana! Give them a break!! And you need a break too! Just 5 minutes!" Mem shouted from the sideline, patting the empty space next to her, "It won't be long, it'll be fine!"

"It'll!!- Ugh, fine. C'mon, [alias]." Kana groaned.

"Thank you, Mem!☆" You smile, as you sit down next to her you took a deep breath in from your mouth. You fiddle with your plastic disposable water bottle, crunching it, spinning the cap around as you frown beneath your mask. Kana's words hurt a little, they might have been true but they still hurt.

It wasn't like she meant to be plain out mean, Kana was only being strict to be a good leader... and if you got hurt in the process, then maybe it would be a good thing, she could finally get rid of all the anger she'd been piling up. Still, she didn't want to hurt you too much, you were a large part of B-Komachi's newly found popularity... She wanted to apologize, but maybe not now. For now, she'll gloat in her 'victory'. Not that it's a very big one.

The other day, Aqua and Kana had a really good conversation. She can't tell if he's purposefully leading her on or if he doesn't even know what he's doing, and that makes her livid. He doesn't know what he's doing to her, he doesn't know what kind of feelings are unraveling by each passing second, and she hates him for that.

Kana Arima hates Aquamarine Hoshino, but most of all... Kana Arima hates you the most for getting in the way of her feelings, but she would never say it out loud.

She's held prisoner in her own mind, all thanks to both you and Aqua.

Kana's forehead touched the tip of her knees as she started beating herself up for thinking of her *genmate as you were sitting next to her, doing almost the same thing.

Kana Arima loves Aquamarine Hoshino, but he's in love with another.

-End of I'm_Going_to_Fade_Away

"But I'm not sure if I can go on stage, it scares the living crap out of me." You complain to Ruby, "Well at least, not an idol stage. It's so... thrilling..."

"No, don't worry, [name]! You're going to do so perfectly and you already have a million fans so you don't need to worry as much! Everyone will be so excited to see you on stage! It'll be amazing!" Ruby shouts back, quickly putting her hands over her mouth in anticipation to see if Memcho would wake up, "And if anyone needs to worry it should be me because no one knows me!! Mem has her fans, you have yours, and Kana.. has her fans too!!!" she hurriedly said in a hushed whisper.

"I heard that." Kana said, shooting up in a sitting position, staring into the back of Ruby's head.

"Sorry!!!" Ruby blushes, putting her pointer fingers together as she watches Kana lay back down, after a good 30 seconds Ruby turns back around to you and gets closer... "I totally thought that she was sleeping!"

"I'm still awake, Ruby."

"Gosh darn it, I didn't know your hearing was so good!" Ruby murmurs out to Kana, "Sorry!! Again! For realsies this time!"

"Yeah.. okay." Kana sighs, leaning on her side, facing the door.

"Ruby, maybe you shouldn't talk bad about people when they're sitting right next to you." You jokingly comment.

"Well! I wasn't talking badly, I was just saying that Kana has more fans than me!"

"No, you hesitated."

"Well that's cuz I was thinking if my comment was true or not!"

You sigh as Ruby continues to talk on and on about how excited she was. She started to make hand gestures as she kept on going, you smiled softly thinking about what was to happen tomorrow. The image of the strong stage lights glaring into your retinas made you worry.

Before you could tell Ruby about your worries, you found her asleep, curled up with her pink pillow. Your nice, fake smile faded into a real one as you looked at Ruby's resting body. Quickly, you pull her blanket to cover her whole body. Ruby shifted as she felt the weight on top of her change, but luckily for you, her eyes remained shut the entire time.

Your lips parted to say something, but nothing came out. Lifting yourself up from the floor, you quietly tiptoed around Kana and Ruby to make your way out the bedroom. As you closed the door behind you, you let out a deep sigh, using your body to make a curled up ball of limbs.

You haven't been on a stage in over... What is it? *50 years? And the last time you were on one, you died. Maybe you should talk to someone about your concerns, but who would understand? You pull yourself up from the floor yet again and slowly walk down the stairs towards the light coming from the kitchen as your hand traces the fragments on the wall next to you. Who would be awake right now?

"[name]." Said the blonde male, "You're awake?"

"Oh so it's you." You sigh, "I can't believe you were wearing that Pieyon mask again, Aqua." You start to laugh as you take the seat next to him, "Isn't it hard for you? Don't you have like asthma or something?"

"Why would you think that?"

"'Cuz Ruby has it, I thought it was genetic."

"I guess she just got the short end of the stick." He sighed, handing you a glass of water.

"Mm.. nah, I'll pass. I'll just go get my own. You probably already drank from it!" You frowned, standing back up to walk towards the water cooler, "Oh, uhm... Thanks for the offer though." You said kindly, smiling at him.

"No problem."

"There was something I wanted to talk to you about. Is that okay?" You quietly murmured from a distance, you barely let any sound escape from your lips.

"Why wouldn't it be?"

"I don't know why..." You sighed, pulling out another crisp water bottle, "It's just that. I guess I consider you my closest friend here. And I don't want to let the other girls down." You bite your lip as you think more about the stage, "I'm just scared."

"Of?" Aqua asks, walking to your side. You ball your hands into fists as you look down at the counter in front of you, nails digging into your skin. "[name], are you okay?"

"I don't like stages. I guess." Not looking away from your bottle, "It's scary. Not in a stage fright way though, I can deal with that. But the bright lights that shine into your eyes and face... the creaky wooden flooring... how tall the stage is going to be from the ground... it's all that." You felt your heart beating a little faster, "And I'm scared for the others too. I don't want them to experience a *black sea or... anything worse." You turn your head to look up at Aqua, his face didn't flinch or change. He was still the same, stoic.

"I understand, but nothing is going to happen. It's safe up there" Aqua reassured you, "Plus there's security,and I'll be there to make sure there isn't a black sea." Your frownshifts into a slight smile after his words hit you, leaning your head against him you took another sip of water.

"I can't believe the same guy that made me run 2 miles with a cute squeaky voice is now telling me everything is going to be alright." You giggle, shutting your eyes as your small smile turns into a bigger one. You stay on him for a few more seconds before collecting yourself. "Ahem, uhm... thank you, Aqua. Besides that whole staring phase you went through, you really are quite kind."

"You're welcome." He smiled back for a second before reverting back to his usual self. Your faces were only a few centimeters apart, you could feel it coming up. His hand brushed against your ear, his lips getting closer to yours. Your eyes almost shut before you could feel it again. What is this feeling? Deep down in your core..?

Remorse.

"I'm sorry, I have to go. Like, right now." You stutter out, pulling away from him. There is another deep dark feeling inside of you, but this time it was rising to your throat. You scamper to the bathroom and lock the door behind you.

You threw up.

"Bleerghh.." You cry, the burning sensation was a lot on your throat, and you don't remember the last time this happened. You want to wash your mouth out with soap even though you didn't actually do anything. You spit until the taste of vomit left your mouth. You want to beat yourself up for trying anything with Aqua. You felt bad, horrible. Pulling out your phone, you start texting up a storm to Akane. You felt like you betrayed her, how could you? To your most favorite person in the world?

You're an asshole.

It was late at night, she was probably asleep but you couldn't keep your eyes off your phone, waiting, craving for a text back. How could you sleep knowing what just happened?

"[name]." Said a familiar voice from outside the bathroom.

"Kana..? What are you.."

"I saw everything." Kana spoke softly, "And I think I know what happened."

"I'm sorry"

"There's no need to be, for me at least. Apologizing to Akane would be best, and–"

"And I'm sorry for ruining our big night"

"You didn't ruin anything"

"Yes I did."

"No you didn't. Tomorrow is our debut, we still have time- you still have time to bring yourself together. Nothing is ruined, and everything is fine."

"I'm still so sorry, you shouldn't have seen that."

"No.. I guess I should say that I'm sorry for being so hard on you."

"That doesn't correlate to what happened though."

"Are you sure? Didn't I put you through a lot of stress? I feel like that could have been a big reason as to why you felt you needed to talk to someone... which led to what just happened."

"..." You unlock the door, stumbling out to face Kana.

"Everyone else is asleep, we should too. C'mon." Kana says softly, grabbing your hand, pulling you into a warm hug once more. "And I'm sure Akane will understand." Kana pulls away from the hug first as she continues to hold your hand as the two of you walk back up to Ruby's bedroom. Inside, she sits you down as she wipes your tears. "Stay here and watch your phone... I guess. Wait for Akane's response, but you should really go to sleep. We still have a big day ahead of us." She stood back up and smiled at you before quickly leaving the bedroom as you once did.

Kana steps down the stairs to face Aqua, who was consequently groveling on the kitchen table, head in his hands. She released herself from making her soft expression while talking to you to one that's more stern and dark.

"What were you thinking, Aqua?" Her lips pressed together, making a thin line.

"I... I don't-"

"[name] has a girlfriend! And we all know you like them, but c'mon!" Kana scolds, putting her hand on Aqua's shoulder.

"It was in the moment. I didn't... I wasn't thinking straight."

"That's not a good enough excuse! Come one, Aqua! What if [name] quits B-Komachi forever because they feel too awkward?! We'd all be in shambles! They're the biggest reason why we have so many fans!"

"..."

"Just because you're obsessed with them doesn't mean you get to drag me and the other girls down."

"I don't know how you're doing this, but you're making this all about yourself."

"I- Okay, maybe. But that doesn't make the thing you just attempted any better! You need to make this right. For the group and for yourself." Kana mumbled the last part of the sentence. "You should apologize to [name], and maybe Akane too."

"Okay okay-"

"And! I'll help you throughout the entire thing because I'm such a generous being." Kana smiled, putting a hand to her lip. "So maybe back off for a little while? Play it safe I guess. And... sorry I guess for overstepping, but it was something that needed to be done! So goodnight." Kana said, quickly leaving the scene and going back to bed.

˚⋆୨ ✶ ୧⋆˚

In the morning, you shot up awake, immediately pulling your phone to your face. Akane still hadn't responded to your wall of text, in fact, she still hasn't read it. Seeing your message still on delivered left you waiting on the edge of your seat. You didn't want to move until you saw her reply, but Memcho had other plans.

"[name]!!~ What's got you so down?" she asks, propping her head on the palm of her right hand, "I heard some shuffling during the middle of the night! Did something happen?"

"Oh.. w-what?" You stutter back, not acting like your usual self, "I just uhm... I don't know..." You cough before making your personality do a complete 180, "☆I guess that my back didn't agree with me sleeping on the floor. I'm having some serious back pain right now!" You pout out, swiftly putting your phone into your pocket.

"Really? Ah well that's too bad. I'm totally sorry for taking the only bed, but I'm the oldest! So I get to have it!" She smirks, pulling herself up into a sitting position before stepping off Ruby's bed. "Let's go down and get some breakfast, I can't wait to see what Ruby and Aqua have in their fridge... maybe there's gonna be some gourmet chocolate hanging around somewhere!"

"☆Not if I get it first!" You smile, chasing after her.

Just as you step back into the kitchen, you made eye contact with Aqua. The glittering stars in your eyes inverted into a darker color as your arm promptly makes its way to your side, hugging yourself. Your head lowers itself as you quietly follow Memcho towards the fridge.

"Ah... let's see what they have here..." Mem opens the fridge with a large smile creeping up to her lips, "Oh wow."

"It's completely empty!☆" You say, a little surprised.

"Aquatan, what do you eat??" Memcho asks, confused.

"Oh. Well usually Miyako cooks for me and Ruby but nowadays she's pretty busy so we've been getting takeout." Aqua says nonchalantly, how could he say something like that so calmly in the same room, with the same person he almost kissed? You looked at the floor when he spoke.

"Well that's a shame, I definitely thought that there was going to be something super yummy!" Memcho whined, pulling a chair out directly across Aqua, "Oh yeah, where's Kana and Ruby on this important day? We have our first performance today and we're gonna depart in an hour or so, right? I didn't see them when me and [name] woke up though."

"They went out to buy a few groceries a few minutes before you came down." Aqua simply stated, tapping away at his phone.

"Ooh! That means they shouldn't be far! I could definitely catch up with them! Okay, let's do this! [name], wanna come with me?" Mem says happily, pushing the chair she just pulled out back in.

"Oh, ☆I'd love that!" You said happily.

"Okay! Let's go! Oohh it's going to be so much fun making our own meals with everyone!" Mem giggles as we skip towards the entrance, slipping our shoes on.

As soon as you open the door, you came face to face with a familiar girl.

"Akane?"

-End of Conveyed_it_to_You