#and the insight into how people who are scared or in crisis can act in WILDLY irrational ways

[magnus-and-the-dragon]

i have this problem where i genuinely think discussing ‘real’ cases is a good way to explore and better understand our world, but also, the culture around True Crime is so fucking gross I can’t stand most of the content it creates

[ezrasarm]

Coming Out As Asexual/Aspec

Pairings: Javier Pena x reader, Marcus Pike x reader, Din Djarin x reader, Ezra x reader, Frankie Morales x reader

Word count: 2.3K (oops)

Warnings: discussions of sexuality, depictions of main characters as Aspec

A/n: I apologize these were meant to be head canons and a few of them wound up turning into mini fics. I would like to thank @dishonouringmycow for supplying many ideas and helping me concoct these for you and @kiss-evans for her insight as well. These were a lot of fun to write! We’ve written these HCs in hopes that they will be inclusive and relatable to most ace/demi-/greysexual folks and anyone in between. We hope you like them!

[masterlist]

Javier Peña

Telling Javi is a little tricky.

Given the time period, and the fact that asexuality was hardly a word let alone a widely accepted concept, Javier didn’t stand a chance when you went about explaining to him your “unconventional” relationship with sexual attraction.

You didn’t even fully understand it yourself at that point which is why you were terrified when you felt you owed him an explanation for turning him down.

You and Javi had been dancing around each other since pretty much the moment you landed in Bogata.

You knew you cared about him more than the average coworker and Steve didn’t hesitate to tease either of you mercilessly for it with every chance he got.

But there was a reason you had been avoiding acting on those feelings you harboured for him and a reason you were so terrified when he reciprocated them.

Silence overwhelms the small stakeout vehicle when you tell him.

He doesn’t get it.

“Oh.”

The disappointment that pours off of him is palpable.

This really wasn’t the reaction he was expecting to the heartfelt confession he had mustered up the courage for only moments ago.

“Javi,” You sigh, “It’s not like that. It’s not personal. I don’t feel attracted to anyone that way.” You reiterate but he still seems convinced that this is just an elaborate attempt to spare his feelings.

“You don’t have to do that, you know? You don’t have to let me down easy.”

“That’s not what this is. I really just don’t operate that way.”

You had seen the girls coming and going from his apartment across the hall. You knew how he chose to blow off steam after stressful days at work and you knew you couldn’t keep up with that.

“I don’t think I can be there for you like you want me to.”

It takes a moment for it to dawn on him what you mean and you think he finally takes the hint when another ‘oh’ escapes him.

“I don’t need-“ He starts up but cuts himself off when you give him a pointed look.

“I really, really wanted this to work.” He says after what feels like hours of you discussing all the reasons you would wind up resenting each other if you went down that path. All the fears you had of starting something up with him.

“Me too.” You hum solemnly when you deflate to lean into his side and rest your head on his shoulder. “I’m sorry.”

He’s quick to shake his head and whisper a quiet “Don’t apologize.” When he wraps an arm around you and places a kiss to the top of your head.

You both walk away from that stakeout with heavy hearts but lighter shoulders and although it takes some time to heal you learn to show how much you care about each other in different ways.

Now he slings an arm around your shoulders when you’re getting unwanted attention on a night out.

You stay up drinking with him so he doesn’t have to brood alone after a particularly tiring day.

Soft touches and reassuring words come easier between you two.

Most importantly you’re both happy and you haven’t lost each other.

Marcus Pike

Marcus is a little less clueless.

He knows Asexuality exists and has a vague sense of what it is, he just doesn’t know a whole lot about it.

There’s not much pressure when you tell him.

It comes as a bit of a disclaimer early in your relationship and you try not to make a big deal of it. You just want to make sure that he’s aware as your relationship progresses.

Marcus, ever the sweet and compassionate boyfriend is attentive and understanding as you speak.

The words that seem to stick out in his mind come at the only point when the slightest bit of doubt weens it’s way into your voice, “I just wanted to make sure that that’s- that I’m enough for you.”

His heart stops and he’s overcome by a feeling of both shock and sorrow that you could ever think such a thing of yourself.

“Of course. Of course, you’re enough.”

“You’re more than enough. You’re… you’re everything.”

What you don’t see is the way that after this conversation he finds himself wracking up more and more questions that he’s too scared to ask you. Not because he’s afraid of the answer but because he doesn’t want to overstep or make you uncomfortable.

So naturally, he turns to the next best thing.

The internet.

What he fails to realize is how broad a spectrum of asexuality there is and all he gets is more and more confused.

Marcus accidentally develops a following on Aspec Reddit forums for trying to ask people questions and them all just going “aww, Hun” at this poor clueless bean and swooning over how much he cares about you.

Despite the enthusiasm and volume of their responses, they don’t really add much clarity beyond “Hey, maybe you should ask your SO”

Instead, he runs around treating you like glass while he tries to buck up the courage to actually talk to you about it until on a movie night as he awkwardly tries to contort himself around you so he’s cuddling you… without touching you, you finally snap.

“Marcus! What is going on?”

That’s when he finally and rather sheepishly admits that he wants you to tell him more about your sexuality.

“Oh.”

You pause the movie and give him your full attention as you try and talk him through as much as you’re able to explain until suddenly you’re stuck for an answer and you look up at him with rather watery eyes as you admit you have no idea and suddenly you’re the one having the existential crisis.

“Oh, oh no. It’s alright, we can figure it out together! Shhh, it’s all fine. Please don’t cry! Reddit didn’t tell me this would happen!”

“Who-ddit?”

Din Djarin

Coming out to Din is rather anticlimactic.

He doesn’t have much to say beyond “Okay.”

You’re a little confused at first.

That went… too well.

It’s a while later when he brings it up again that you begin to realize why.

There’s no hesitation or taboo, he’s quite straight forward when he asks why you were so nervous.

At first, you’re not so sure what to say. Wasn’t that kind of obvious?

“Not everyone takes it so well.” You shrug thinking back to past relationships where your partners seemed to expect you to give them more than you were willing to.

You could practically see the gears turning behind his visor and it’s only now that you connect the dots and his reaction from before seems to add up.

To him, that was the norm.

It makes sense the more you think about it.

In all the time you had spent travelling with him, all the objectively beautiful women, men and everyone else in between that had crossed your paths, all the slurs that had been thrown at him by drunkards in cantinas about how he fucks with all that armour on, all the rather compromising situations you had found yourself in with him before and you had never caught his gaze wander or heard him express any indication of interest in yourself or anyone in that way.

You had always put it down to his creed. As far as you were aware such things were forbidden for people of his faith but you’re left with an odd sense of comfort as you realized that wasn’t the case.

Perhaps this was his strange little way of letting you know you weren’t alone.

Ezra

When you met Ezra you were prepared for the worst.

A guy as cocky and loquacious as him and you just trying to keep your head down in the busy bar and enjoy your drink in peace after a rough day.

You didn’t have high hopes when he swung into the booth across from you and started down whatever elaborate story he had decided would impress you enough to get you into bed.

“It’s my missing appendage, isn’t it?” he asks when you quite clearly don’t bite.

He’s already moving to leave you be when your eyebrows knit together in confusion and your eyes blow wide as you’re hit with a sudden wave of guilt.

You had grown used to deflecting advances like this but something about the way he said it, the bold, charismatic man suddenly looking like a kicked puppy made your guts churn.

You didn’t normally give an explanation, you didn’t feel you owed anyone that, especially not a stranger and yet here you were.

“What? No! No, I actually think you’re very good looking and charming and all those things people look for in a partner, I’m just not particularly one for casual hookups.” You say looking around the room where you now felt wildly out of place with just about all of its inhabitants presumably looking to get laid or trying to forget someone they couldn’t do so with.

“...Or any hookups really.” You correct yourself and watch as the disappointed look on his face morphs into a glint of curiosity.

“You a uh- a spade?” He asks resettling into the booth, an oblivious smile settling on his cheeks when you laugh at him.

You spend until last-call deeply enthralled in conversation and comforted by one another’s company.

That’s all either of you were here for in the first place, to feel a little less lonely.

You’re only pried apart by the closing of the bar, the nag of sleep hot on your heels and the promise that this wouldn’t be the last you saw of each other.

Frankie Morales

Frankie knew you were asexual.

You had told him before, he just didn’t entirely understand what that meant until much later on.

He seemed familiar with the term but his knowledge of the concept didn’t seem to extend beyond a basic definition.

Frankie’s first wife was his first for a lot of things. First girlfriend, first kiss, first love, first lover, first breakup.

He took the divorce pretty hard, as anyone would.

They’d gotten married so young, before he was deployed, that the guys had never seen him single before and neither had he really.

It took a long time for him to recover and by then he was content. ‘not in a particularly big rush to start down the relationship path and get hurt again’ is how he had phrased it to you once in confidence.

But another factor that he failed to recognize fully at the time was that he just hadn’t found anyone he was interested in in that way.

He’d tried going on a couple of dates but none of them clicked and it just left him feeling more alone.

It was after Tom died, almost five years after his divorce that the guys finally called him on it.

At first they just assumed the way he had been acting was about Tom and in a sense it was, Tom was the only one who had been through a divorce before, he was the only one who really understood and talked him through it when the going got tough.

Will was the one to put the pieces together and realize that the issue wasn’t Tom so much as Frankie getting more and more tired of being on his own.

His intentions were well meaning. They were just trying to help.

All they wanted was to see him happy but the more the boys seemed to try and set him up, the more resistance they were met with and even Frankie couldn’t figure out why until he was sat, venting to you about it one night.

“How did you know you were ace?” He blurts out suddenly and you’re a little lost for words, you weren’t really expecting this conversation to go this way but it was obviously something he had been considering for a while.

“Sorry that wasn’t a fair question,” He says when he notices you’re struggling, “I just- they keep trying to set me up with, who I’m sure are some really great people, but it’s all on this little tiny screen and all you see are a couple photos and maybe a blurb if you’re lucky and there’s just no…”

“Connection?” You suggest. Those big puppy eyes shoot up to you from where they were fixed on the counter in front of him and he gives you a slight nod.

“I don’t know what’s wrong with me.” He sighs and your heart breaks a little looking at him like that before you round the counter and pull him into a hug. “I’ve felt attraction before but I look at the guys and it feels like it takes so much more for me to get to that point than them.”

“There’s nothing wrong with you.” You assure him gently, brushing your fingers through his hair when you pull away to give him a reassuring smile. “Sounds like you could be on the asexuality spectrum.”

“There’s a spectrum?”

[masterlist]

Permanent Taglist: @agirllovespancakes @chaoticspaceidiot @engineeredfiction @pedropascalito @dreamgirl-67 @wickedfrsgrl @hillarymurray4 @din-damn-djarin @yespolkadotkitty @wille-zarr @oloreaa @browneyes-djarin @marydjarin @roxypeanut @opheliaelysia @cryptkeepersoul @prxtty-boah @aliciaxglasgow @elena-myth @theocatkov @bioticgoddess @edencherries @kandomeresbitch @mrsparknuts @hayley-the-comet @rachelxwayne @thirstworldproblemss @andriecastana @justanotherblonde23

Pedro Boys Taglist: @theravenreads @mrschiltoncat @seasonschange-butpeopledont @dishonouringmycow @deafspaceperson 

[moodyandbluesy]

The pillarmen all of them👀👀

OKAY!! I’m going off this as if they’re all alive and well and living their best immortal lives in the 20th/21st century!

Santana

Bad case of little brother syndrome. Always feels like he’s living in Wamuu’s shadow a little, but doesn’t hate him for it. Instead, he just steals his stuff.

Kinda bitchy! Very passive aggressive in the mornings. Wamuu tried to scare him one morning and almost got impaled

Discovered nail polish sometime around the 1980s and introduced Kars to it. Kars is delighted. They do father-son spa nights sometimes.

Bases a lot of his personality on his family, but he’s finding his place!

Has an emo phase at some point in the early 2000s.

Likes human food. Eats potatoes raw.

Wamuu

Big brother. Has eldest child syndrome where he’s very concerned about doing the right thing and setting a good example, and very self-critical.

Good with kids! If he ever needed a job he’d probably do babysitting. He’s a patient guy.

Always challenging the others to games nights, which can mean anything from sparring to near-death in the basement to Monopoly. Everyone would definitely prefer a deathmatch than the latter.

Although he prefers his vampire horses, he thinks regular horses are pretty cool, too. Keeps begging Kars to let him have a pony. Kars says he can have one when he moves out.

Makes pottery as a hobby.

Eisidisi

The sensible dad. Married to Kars (duh) and loves him like he has from the start :’)

Favourite genre of film is romcom, even though they make him cry. Always likes a movie night with the family.

Emotional and kinda quiet. He’s the one you go to for advice and guidance, and he always has something insightful to say.

The funniest of the bunch. Really good at one liners which make you snort out loud.

Renewed his vows with Kars in a human ceremony. Essentially they’re the hippie/rocker couple and it’s beautiful

Does crossword puzzles in his free time!

Kars

Definitely the cool dad. Once he’s adjusted to living like a human, he looks and acts like that long-haired rocker dad who’s always wearing sunglasses indoors.

He enjoys classic rock!

His hair care routine takes at least an hour out of his day. That’s the price to pay for looking that good.

Teaches himself how to play electric guitar so he doesn’t have to do it on people’s legs anymore. He wants to start a band, but the others don’t seem so keen.

His midlife (or whenever this is in his life) crisis involves a Harley Davidson and a lot of purple sequins. Use your imagination.

Cat person.

[sms-derfflinger-von-seydlitz]

Thinking/Essay:

ABOUT LEARNING ABILITY

What are you learning for?

What exactly are you studying at school?

These are the last two questions of a questionnaire from a certain community of one of my social software.

The results of the survey are announced: for results, future, parents, survival, interests, ideals...

Whatever it is, even if it is not for a reason, as long as it is not evil，that will be fine.

Recall that I from primary school to junior high school to high school to college, suddenly feel very scared: I don't really know how to learn correctly, reasonable learning, efficient learning.

Suddenly, I remembered that an official of the Ming Dynasty in China, he was also a philosopher and thinker, his name is Wang Shouren. He is regarded as one of the three saints in China.

（The assessment and criteria for becoming saints in ancient China are so strict and different from those in the West that there are only three recognized saints in The History of China. ）

I think it is necessary to take a lesson to let you know a little about the East.

The so-called "three immortals" in Chinese history is a kind of eternal value of all worlds that benevolent people strive for. Unlike most religious immortality in the West. This is important.

There are three kinds of achievements in the world that will never be indelible or will always be remembered and praised, namely, "立德", "立功" and "立言". The highest is "立德", the establishment of a model of morality, left extremely valuable legacy of spiritual and intellectual knowledge to future generations. Followed by "立功", the establishment of great work and achievement, for the benefit of the people of the country. And finally, "立言", put forward insightful remarks to enlighten later generations, affecting later generations. Only if all three achievements have been achieved can they be called saints.

And Wang Shouren is one of them.

Back to the topic: the philosophy he believed in all his life, the name is "知行合一".

What it means to translate is: The unity of knowledge and action.

My understanding of this sentence varies with age. Perhaps my interpretation is imperfect, misinterpreted or even upside down, but I still want to express my thoughts.

知行合一：I think there are two main tenses: “on the go” and “when it is done”. （progressive & perfect）

"In the state of progress, knowing is knowing, and doing is acting. There are different views on the knowledge and action of this state. Some people think that only when we know first can we act. Others think that only when we act first can we know. But I don't think the order of knowing and doing is important. What's important? After knowing, there is something to do. After doing, there is something to know and go back and forth. Let knowledge and action form a perfect cycle, constantly knowing and continuously doing. To verify knowledge with action, to guide action with knowledge, and to cycle back and forth is “the unity of knowledge and action” in progress. "

The lack of any step is biased and even wrong.

When the unity of knowledge and action in progress reaches a very high level, it will become the unity of knowledge and action in completion. The unity of knowledge and action makes the concept change.

At this time, knowledge is no longer knowledge, but deep understanding; at this time, action is no longer purely to do, but can always be completed perfectly at the most appropriate time.

Only by truly understanding can we achieve this goal. Only when we can do it perfectly, can we prove that we have achieved "knowledge". At this time, knowledge and action form a high degree of indecomposable unity, which is called the unity of knowledge and action. The essence of any so-called knowing but not doing is not deep understanding; the essence of any so-called doing but not deep understanding is not perfect.

When the unity of knowledge and action is completed, it forms an inseparable unity and becomes an inseparable part of our body. There is a well-known name for this state：

Ability.

This ability does not refer to our original ability, but refers to those outstanding abilities.

Everyone can run, but the running of the champion can be called ability. Everyone can speak, but only those who speak eloquently and well can be called ability.

【Everyone can learn, but——————how many people dare to say that they have the ability to learn?】

Back to the second question, what are we in school for?

To learning for “the ability to learn” !

I have to admit that I don't understand that, at least for a long time. I study knowledge, study examination, study skills, at most is to learn some regular methods. Of course, I don't blame the teachers or the school. After all, most of my teachers are like this, and their teachers have never really taught them the ability to learn.

Through the uncles and aunts I know and my experience, they have all been unsuitable to society, especially after they have just contacted. Especially in the school, the gap is not big, but after entering the society, so the distance between people has been increasing.

Many people even have a "middle-age crisis"; if the poor people who are really unfortunate or unlucky are eliminated, then why is the rest? My teacher thinks that those people have lost their will to learn. And I think that in addition to the loss of willingness to learn, they also lost the ability to learn. Then I realized that I had missed the most precious opportunity to gain the ability to learn.

Fortunately, learning is endless. Many successful people spend a lot of time, money and energy to re-train themselves. Facts have proved that it is never too late.

There is an online novel writer who wrote such a passage: "I hope that students can learn the ability to learn in school, instead of leaving school, suddenly confused, and even said some extremely ridiculous things, saying that if you can't become a mathematician , The only use of mathematics can only be used to count money to buy food. The reason for this ridiculous story is not that the students did not learn mathematics well, but that the teachers never told the students that learning mathematics is not for buying food, not for exams. Not to deal with anyone, but to cultivate a kind of mathematical thinking, cultivate a mathematical ability, cultivate the ability to use mathematics to see the world. People who really have these abilities never need to buy food in person, and the table will always be full of delicious food."

So, recalling the original Q, the school is where students learn and teach their learning abilities, and where teachers teach their learning abilities; specific knowledge also takes second place in comparison.

Maybe many people missed the best stage, but as long as they have the willingness to learn, they can cultivate their learning ability again and make their lives more fulfilling.

DERFFLINGER VON SEYDLITZ

2021 April 13

[gothfoxx]

Here's a prompt for you. How about Aizawa finding one of Izukus analysis notebooks and seeing how accurate and amazing (terrifying) Izuku's analysis is. (bonus if Aizawa reads the notes on him.) 10/10 proud dad.

Aizawa had been a teacher for a few years before he got his problem class, and his problem child. So when he saw said problem child writing in a notebook during the first week of school he thought nothing of it other than the kid was committed to school. Aizawa had had students like that before who needed to write down their thoughts before they’d forget and with Midoriya’s penchant for mumbling to himself it was no wonder. It became normal to see the kid nose deep in a notebook writing or sketching.

When Midoriya brought the book out during a guest lecture Aizawa was a little annoyed that the kid wasn’t paying attention. That was until the boy raised his hand and asked some very interesting and in-depth questions. Aizawa was impressed and then assumed that the writing was a form of thought organization more than for memory, Mic had to do that sometimes when his ADD was getting in the way. He decided to buy a few books to keep in his desk should the kid need one, it would be a shame if the kid couldn’t cope during class and lost focus.

During lunch one day Aizawa asked Yagi if he knew about the notebook Midoriya carried around. The other hero laughed when he heard the question, “Oh that. Well you see the boy is a huge hero fan. He had one on him when I first bumped into him during a villain attack in the city.” And that explains why Midoriya and the old man seemed to know each other at the beginning of the year. “I signed it too, you should have seen his face. I’m glad we crossed paths that day.” Yagi finished, he seemed to be reminiscing about the fated meeting. Aizawa thanked him quietly and left wondering what kind of stuff the kid would have to write for All Might of all people to consider him a huge fan.

He finally got a chance to see for himself what was in one of the notebooks, Midoriya had started a new one that was the same blue as the gym uniforms. There was another guest lecture but this time it wasn’t in the classroom but out on one of the training fields. Ms Marble, the durable hero, had volunteered to help demonstrate the kind of martial art she used for hand to hand. When she asked for a helper Midoriya’s hand went up like a bolt and his eyes lit up like a toddler with free rang of a toy store, the powdery white heroine giggled and called the greenett over. Giddy about being picked Midoriya excitedly handed his home room teacher the notebook he had been writing in earlier and rushed over to be the ‘helper’. Aizawa would never admit that the excitement radiating off of Midoriya was adorable but no sain person would have asked.

Curiosity got the better of him and while the greenett was busy Aizawa thumbed through the first few pages. He hadn’t been expecting what he found so when he realized what the book was he flipped back to the first page and began reading more carefully. Inside were the observations on a third of his student’s quirks, strengths-weaknesses-possible further training-psych evaluations-costume improvements. The amount of raw thoughts and data that was written down between the detailed pages reminded Aizawa of being in Nezu’s class when he was a student. The teacher, now principal, had the habit of going on tangents when something gained his interest. Aizawa felt a shiver run up his spine at the memory of those improv lectures.

He was about to close the book when he saw his hero name mixed into the ramblings of one of the data pages. Aizawa leafed to the next profile page. Looking back at him was a sketch of himself in his hero uniform, his goggles resting on top of his head. He shouldn’t read it, he was already nervous about the implications of these notes but each one of the profiles before had been insightful too.

Aizawa Shota

Hero name: Eraserhead

Status: Teacher-U.A., Underground

Strengths: fast, quiet, observant, proficient in hand to hand, can use weapons, can sleep anywhere

Weaknesses: Dry eye, Injuries to eyes or occipital lobe, children, cats

Training: quirk is dependent on both eyes so tracing to try and make it effective with one would be beneficial for when the dry eye acts up, learning to apply stage makeup and prosthetics for undercover work (see crawler entry), a long rang weapon that doesn’t tether him to the enemy

Thinking: depression?, paranoia?, ptsd, hyper logical(Spock-ish), codependency with Mic and Midnight. If one used Midnight or Mic they would have sway over Eraserhead. Same for the children in his care. He acts like he doesn’t care but he is Hypervigilant and goes out of his way to make sure his people are taken care of even at the cost of his own life. (USJ, chocolate incident, extra supplies)

Costume: less baggy so it can’t be grabbed as easy, tie up or cut hair to remove tell, bracers for joints

Extra: He uses the excuse of ruses when he decides against what he said before. He advocates for kids with less or non combative quirks to get into the hero courses. Believes that people can change and gives second chances. Cares, I saw him feeding the cats that live in the woods behind the school. Cares, when Hagakure had cramps and couldn’t do hero studies he sat with her in the infirmary and bought her a chocolate bar. Cares, Mineta says that Aizawa threatened to expell the perv if he catches him again (make sure he catches perv). He cares, he bought extra notebooks after he started watching me, he noticed and didn’t get made! He cares, once Todoroki feels safe enough I’ll convince him to tell Aizawa what happened.

The extras spilled over to the next page with a drawing of the cats that trust Aizawa enough to let him feed them. The normally in control man felt a burning in his eyes that meant if he could he would be crying. The kid wrote like someone showing him or others kindness was a foreign concept and that normally his writing would get him in trouble. The more Aizawa looked at it and the pages of free thought before it the more he saw a danger. This kid, his kid, hadn’t been allowed to make connections with those around him and had started writing about them to feel less isolated. If something had happened to push his kid there was a real possibility that Midoriya would have either shut down or cracked. Midoriya could have become a villain.

Looking up at the lesson going on, no one privy to the crisis happening in his head, Aizawa watched Midoriya get flung onto the mat laughing and asking to see the move again. The kid was made of strong stuff, stronger than his quirk and stronger than his tolerance for pain. This kid had survived something that left him feeling alone and scared enough that he feared writing would be punished! It showed a lot of trust the he had given Aizawa his notes, had trusted his teacher with a part of himself. Aizawa closed the book and watched the rest of the lesson thinking about how he could encourage his kid without scaring him off like a cat that had been hurt before. How was he going to support this analytical genius.....? He’d also have to figure out that part about Todoroki too, that was concerning too, but he would have to wait until one or both of the boys felt safe enough to talk alone with him.



The lesson finished up while Aizawa was still in his own thoughts. “Sensei? Sorry about dumping my things on you, that was very rude and short sighted of me.” The greenett apologized with a small bow. The kid seemed more embarrassed then leaving a notebook should envoke. “It’s fine problem child, not like I was busy anyway. You know you have a real talent?” That made the kid sputter and blush further. “No no it’s just a silly hobby from when I was a kid, it’s basically habit now! It’s nothing as special as a talent!” The kid tried to argue but it wasn’t from being humble, now that Aizawa was listening for it he could hear the plea of the attention to stop, for the spotlight to be taken off of him...out of fear. “Whatever you say kid, but I think it show promise in Criminal Analysis. If you’re interested I could see if the principal would take you on as a personal intern.” He offered, hoping the kid would take it. Nezu would be better with a traumatized kid, could relate with them better than he did adults.

The kid just nodded and tentatively reached for the book, Aizawa slowly met the kid halfway so Midoriya didn’t have to get to close. He would be changing his behavior around the kid, the kid would notice of course but he hoped the kid saw it for what it was. An acknowledgment. “Come on Midoriya, classes are over go get changed so we can go.” Aizawa stayed as he turned to head back to the main campus. “We, Sensei?” The kid didn’t miss anything huh, “Yeah, you took being Ms Marble’s punching bag like a pro so you deserve a treat. How does frozen mochi sound?” The concern and confusion on the kid’s face washed away and was replaced with relief and then a bright smile. “Thank you Sensei, I’ll be quick!” And with a bolt of green light the boy was headed for the locker room. “No problem champ.” Aizawa snorts a laugh at the empty air, well at least the kid felt safe enough to accept food from him. At least they weren’t at square one, he could help this kid. He WOULD help his kid.

Thanks for this one I love when Izuku gets the recognition he deserves!!!

[jazy3]

Thoughts on Grey’s Anatomy: 16X10

So, I watched the Grey’s Anatomy Station 19 Crossover Premiere over the weekend. I have to say overall I really liked it! The pacing of Station 19 was a bit slow for me but other than that it was great! The fast paced Grey’s Anatomy episodes are my favourite! So I really liked this one. My heart went out to Bailey in these episodes. All the Ben and Bailey moments and they’re excitement over the new baby made me cry. Poor Bailey. She loses her pregnancy, almost loses her husband, and then her residents’ lives are left hanging in the balance. In the aftermath of the crash, Helm needs surgery; Schmitt collapses; Simms needs major facial and neurosurgery, and Parker goes AWOL and needs treatment. 

I really like Meredith’s monologue in this episode. Being the best really is a catch 22. The amazing thing is no one else can do what you do. The terrible thing is no one else can do what you do. I loved the moment between Bailey and Schmitt in the supply closet. In other news, Jo totally stole that baby! Her drunken panicking about the cops is hilarious. But then we find out it’s only Meredith. Crisis averted! And she’s got wine! She came to drink with Alex because quote “Cristina sent an obnoxious Irishman as a gift” and he stole Alex’s old job. I love her. Never change Mer. Never change. 

I loved her line, “That’s what I said when I stole a baby,” about Zola and Link’s response, “Why are people stealing babies?” Mer gets it. Link is confused. To be honest Jo talking to the baby in a baby voice about how Meredith is a convicted felon is everything. Cut to the hospital where Amelia and Tom are bantering back and forth. I love their banter. Amelia is looking for Maggie because she just found out that Link might not be the father only to find out from Tom that Maggie quit. Yikes! 

And as usual DeLuca mouths off to his superiors and defies orders before being put promptly in his place. How is he still Chief Resident and why does he still work here? In real life that would get you fired real fast. Parker’s storyline this episode got me hard. I really like him and watching him repeat the same thing over and over again while he suffered from PTSD and head trauma was heartbreaking. I’m glad they got him the help he needed in the end. Bailey’s line, “Wouldn’t be the first time,” about her residents really got me. RIP George O’Malley. I still miss his character.

We all deserve a partner as amazing as Ben Warren. My god that man is supportive. His wife just suffered a miscarriage, he’s suffering the loss of a child, and he’s not okay, but he puts all that aside for Bailey’s sake because as he says to Webber, “Miranda comes first,” That’s true love right there. Side note: I like that Amelia and Teddy are becoming friends. I’m over this whole women on women hating each other over a man thing. That always pissed me about Addison and Meredith. Meredith never intentionally did anything to her and Addison was the one that cheated yet she treated Meredith like crap. 

Eventually Jo does in fact take the baby she stole to the hospital’s nursery and in walks not her husband, but Dr. Cormac Hayes! Cristina’s Yang’s present, the new Chief of Peds, and Meredith’s new love interest. Swoon! Oh course, Jo is a weird hot mess because she’s drunk haha. Watching Hayes check the baby out using technical terms while using a baby voice so as not to scare him warms my heart. I loved Jo’s line, “Oh you’re him!” when she figured out who Hayes was and then tried to hide it so as not to scare him off. I feel like that’s going to be an ongoing plot point and I’ll be interested to see how he finds out that and how he reacts to being brought to Grey Sloan on false pretenses and the fact that all of Meredith’s friends went along with it.

The scenes with Jo and Cormac in the nursery are very revealing. He’s comments imply that he might have worked for Cristina previously which is interesting and thickens the plot considerably. I really like Hayes as a character so far. He checks all the right boxes and in his interactions with Jo this week we got some more insight into his character. Hayes is shown to be competent at his job and as someone who is willing to roll with the punches. He feels compassionate towards others in difficult situations, which includes both scared birth mothers and safe haven volunteers, and doesn’t judge them or their choices. 

What Jo initially thinks is a bad idea turns out to be rather genius. Hayes advocates for the baby hatch/box/chute because it gives birth mothers who are scared and frighten a safe way to help the child they’ve given birth to have a better life and know that they will be taken care of. They help hospital staff help those babies the best way they can. Hayes recognizes that that’s what Jo is trying to do to for this particular baby and is sympathetic. Already that puts him leagues above most of the other men on Grey’s especially with Alex MIA. 

I’m also excited by the prospect of finally seeing Meredith date somehow her friends and family like and who has the potential to be a real partner to her and a real stepfather to her children. They’ve established that Cormac has teenage sons of his own which means there’s the potential there for their kids to interact and to see Meredith and Hayes re-build their lives together and merge their families. That’s way more interesting to me than the whole ‘love interest of the week’ thing they’ve been trotting out for the last little while.

It’s true that Hayes is obnoxious and arrogant at time, but the show has also established that he’s got the skills to match and can admit when he’s wrong. Before the break we saw how he was impressed by Meredith’s skills, but not intimidated or jealous of her and that is exactly what Meredith needs. Someone whose on her level and who gets it, but who understands that he can’t possibly compete with her because she’s just that good. 

I was really worried when Schmitt collapsed in the OR. I’m glad he made it. I loved Mer and Schmitt’s banter afterwards. She’s got all the jokes. I’m not an Owen fan and these days I’m not much of a Jackson fan, but his line to Owen was EPIC! “I figured ‘cause you have two kids together, you live together, you marry everyone, but I guess you have been busy haven’t you?” Jackson spilling the tea! 

In other news, I still hate DeLuca with the passion three thousand burning suns. He’s assigned to help Elliot, the patient whose heart hasn’t restarted whose wife just had a premature baby and he spends the whole time acting like all of it is beneath him. God what an ass. He breaks up with Mer over his own insecurities and then instead of apologizing like Link told him to he mopes around the hospital and stares at her creepily and then texts her the next day wanting to talk. Ugh. Also, I hate that he calls her Mer. 

That’s what her friends and family call her. DeLuca barely knows her. From the minute he took an interest in her and she indicated that she might like him back he started acting like they were madly in love and acting like they’d known each other and been together for years when they’d barely been dating a few weeks and she was adamant he wasn’t her boyfriend. God I hate this guy so much. He’s such a loser. Can they just write him off already so Mer can live her life in peace? In happier news, I was ecstatic when Elliott’s heart started beating again! His poor wife. And then we’re back to Jo and Hayes. The baby’s good to go but he sees how attached she is so he suggests they wait a while longer before calling social services. 

We also learn some important information about Hayes in this scene. We learn he’s a father to two teenage boys and was in residency when his boys were infants. We also learn that Hayes is a member of the ‘it’s okay to steal cute babies’ club! He’ll fit right in with Mer and Jo! Although maybe not with Link. I really love Link and Jo’s friendship and the scene at the end with them was super cute. I loved how Richard was there for Bailey in the OR when she needed him. I’m happy that they’re friends again. Poor Bailey the scene with her and Richard in the OR made me cry. She’s not fine. “She just was. And now she isn’t.”

Admittedly, I don’t like Owen as a character but that was a good save with Simms! If he hadn’t caught that Simms would be dead. After the surgery is complete Jackson and Owen talk to Simms’ Grandmother where they learn that when Koracick moved to Seattle and wanted Simms with him he paid for his grandmother to move there too. I loved their exchange. “You know how emotional he is.” “Koracick? Of course, yeah super emotional guy.” LOL. But seriously though that was really sweet of him. He’s an ass, but he’s an ass that cares when it counts. 

I like that Koracick thanked Owen and shook his hand. That was good of him. If the situation was reversed I don’t know if Owen would do the same. The Schmico scene at the end was cute! I think there’s an interesting parallel here between the Schmico scene and that Calzona scene from several seasons back. And just then, Hayes is standing at a nurses station, when Meredith comes around the corner! Squee! 

Straight up, Meredith and Hayes were in a scene together for all of 5 seconds this episode and they had flat out more chemistry than her and DeLuca have ever had! Or most of her other recent love interests more that matter. I said what I said. They talk for a few minutes and then Hayes walks off to go do something. At which point Jo walks up to Mer and says, “I have to say I kinda see it.” Jo Karev: A woman after my own heart! Sing it sister! Grayes all the way! 

Meredith is displeased as she finds him obnoxious to which Jo replies, “Don’t be mad at me. He’s Yang’s gift.” Haha I love it! I want my best friend to send me a man. Anyone else? In other news, Owen finally proposes to Teddy! I’m not a towen shipper, but I have to say this proposal was really sweet. Amelia decides to learn from her mistakes and tell Link the truth only to have Owen and Teddy announce their engagement right in front of them! Yikes! 

And Koracick sees the whole thing from a far. Oh boy. RIP Tomaltman? Korackman? Whatever we were calling it it’s dead now. Amelia can’t bring herself to come clean after that and who can blame her? I wouldn’t be able to either. So instead she tells Link they’re having a boy Oh boy. Here we go again. We then cut away from the hospital to find Maggie drunk and passed out on the couch. Oh dear. 

Someone won’t stop knocking at the door so she gets up to answer it. And look who it is. It’s none other than her ex DeLuca. Man this guy is the gift that keeps on giving! He tells her that Elliot’s heart restarted which is nice of him. He should have stopped there and left. Instead he asks if they can talk and Maggie being grateful let’s him in. He then proceeds to complain to his ex-girlfriend whose obviously hurting about how he blew it with her older sister. 

God this guy is such an ass! He breaks up with Mer over his own insecurities and then has the audacity to go to his ex whose her sister and ask for advice to win her back while Maggie herself is hurting. Screw this guy! Then he tries to act like he didn’t break up with Meredith while also admitting that he meant what he said. Wow. He’s both a gaslighter and a complete idiot. As Maggie says he, “Hurt someone whose had more than enough hurt for a lifetime.” Maggie gets it and DeLuca needs to get the hell out. 

He keeps talking about how he wants to undo the hurt he’s caused as if they got into a minor fight. Buddy. You don’t undo it you idiot you just move on and let Meredith and her sisters live their lives and leave them alone you jackass! And as if DeLuca’s idiocy isn’t bad enough, we then find out that Maggie’s being sued for wrongful death for what happened with Sabrina. 

Also how does DeLuca not comprehend that someone with the last name Webber is related to Richard and Maggie? Man, this guy is dumb. We then cut back to the hospital to find Bailey alone in her office, but not for long. Richard and Meredith come to her office to comfort her. Mer brings her tissues and donuts and holds her hand while she tells her that, “I had a miscarriage once. I never felt so lonely.” God Grey’s just break my heart why don’t you? And then everyone laughs about the donuts Meredith brought. My heart.

Well that was intense! Now onto next week’s promo! Oooooh and it looks like things are heating up between Mer and Hayes! In the bad news column, it looks like DeLuca continues to try and gaslight Mer with the whole ‘I didn’t dump you, you just interpreted it that way’ thing and it looks like Mer is having none of it thank god! In other news it looks like Teddy somehow lost her engagement ring and Amelia finally comes clean with Link! Can’t wait!

Until next time! 

[rumata-est]

Impossible Girl

Part one

Well, to summarize: when the Doctor met Clara Oswald, she was about 24, she was curious, brave, eager for adventures, very smart and fast. In "Deep Breath" she is 27, so she spent about 3 years with the Doctor and learnt a lot. She is very forthright but she also understands people's feelings very well that's why she knows when to stop and when to make the Doctor stop. She cares.

However, we rarely see Clara being really kind to somebody in particular. Is she kind? She obviously knows it’s necessary to be kind and sympathetic (never mind to whose advantage), and this knowledge defines most of her actions. It sounds very Machiavellian though pretty realistic, and such character type fits adventures and life in general very well.

What happens when the Doctor changes?

The thing is throughout the series 8 the Doctor is in the middle of his own “am I a good man” crisis, he shows off deliberately, he wants Clara’s attention, he parks the TARDIS in her flat, and they are actual roommates. From now on every day it's a roller coaster and a personal matter cause his argument to pull her into adventures is "I need you no matter how I treat you and other people" at any time. That’s annoying. But she says "fine". The Doctor is not the only one who changed: the veil lifted, she is not a young woman anymore, she has to accept bad choices exist, and sometimes (most of the time since you’re a Doctor) it’s you who make them, and it’s not an easy burden. 

Why does Clara want Danny Pink? Firstly, she hates to mess things up and she did so with Danny at first sight. She was trying to be funny but instead she said something unacceptable, and she needs to fix it immediately. Secondly, she is a carer, and Danny needs somebody to deal with his trauma. Thirdly, she’s eager to make her existence well balanced: job, domestic life, traveling, adventures. Her life’d better be amazing.

“Listen” is an extremely important episode cause Clara basically plays the Doctor’s part, and not the one shining with joy and glory. The way Clara treats Danny during their date is at least weird, but honestly, she is horrible to him. She brings the killing subject again though she doesn’t know the details and they both know it hurts him. She doesn’t apologize, makes an exit, and he doesn’t deserve it. When she got distracted, Clara and the Doctor end up in Danny’s childhood, and soon the Doctor gives a little boy a dream which will have a tremendous impact on his whole life. They don’t even know whether the monster under the bed is real. And it’s Clara’s fault. She feels guilty, and she cares so she tries to fix her ruined date (breaking the time travel rules), and she doesn’t succeed cause she is actually always “in a rush, in a state, and in space helmet”. Danny will spell it out quite neatly later: she is so busy saving the universe she can hardly see people right in front of her. Then she gets distracted again...

It's a perfect description of one of the Doctor's bad days in a nutshell: interfere, act weird, be charming, don't respect people's opinions, get distracted, mess things up, try to fix them, mess them up again...

...then have an insight, actually fix things, be charming, everyone's in awe, run away.

When Clara sees her friend and her hero as a crying little boy, she has to be a Doctor even for the Doctor, she tries to fix him. And then she wants her 2000 year old Doctor to feel that she really cares in every way. When he refuses (to hug her or whatever else), guess where she goes... underneath the strong facade she is vulnerable too. Both the Doctor and Clara are very good at hiding feelings and messing things up with people, but when you supress something it only becomes stronger. The Doctor never explains what is going on in his hearts, Danny will never know how scared, or vulnerable, or happy Clara really is. 

The great discovery is nobody’s perfect and everybody’s vulnerable. And even worse: the Doctor is vulnerable too. “Silly old universe, the more I save it, the more it needs saving”. True. Also, the truth is sometimes the universe works just fine until you interfere and screw up. 

So, Clara and the audience face the problem: to care about people you need to be kind, to care about the universe you need to be practical. It wasn’t so obvious before, but with Twelve it is. The thing is you’re a good man only if you manage to do both. Clara has to develop the concept of kindness. It’s not enough to be kind naturally, it has to be your moral choice. You have to explain how exactly you’re going to be kind to not mess things up. Unfortunately, this explanation usually includes tons of lying.

Rule One: the Doctor lies. Why? Vital survival skill, mainly for everybody around the Doctor. Clara lies too. Why? The same reason. For example, what can she possibly answer to Danny's question about the Doctor? Erm, lets see: the man who usually saves people and worlds saved my life once cause he was looking for me cause he had met kinda me twice and that kinda me had saved his life and died cause it turned out later I sacrificed myself for him and was divided into million echoes each of which was born to save him. But he saved me again, and then I helped him save his own planet which was very good cause he had been immensely traumatized by thinking he had destroyed it for the rest of the universe had survived. So, we travelled together, and saved the universe, and saw wonders, and then he changed, and now I have to get the bloody permission to hug him when he's upset. 

What the ........

It's too complicated to be explained. So Clara goes with the easiest part: he's an alien, and she sees wonders.

Saving the world isn't that easy cause there's never just black and white, you can't jump high enough, or call the Army, or name somebody "an officer". Basically, be kind. But it's quite difficult to apply these beautiful simple words to real life. Why? 

We can see it in “Kill the Moon”. We usually concentrate on things like Clara’s “clear off“ manifesto or the Doctor’s “ that was me respecting you”. But what about humanity? Why did everybody turn the lights off? Of course, that's an exagerration, of course, there would be some light on Earth. But the dark planet is a metaphor: even in the darkest of times, remember to turn on the light. Even if you’re alone never fail to be kind. And it’s a damn difficult job when all you want to turn your back on all these predictable silly little humans.

“I nearly got it wrong. I nearly didn't press that button”, Clara blurts. Ring any bells? Of course, it’s Gallifrey and the barn all over again. When there were three Doctors it was easy for Clara: she just had to tilt her head, cry a little bit and remind the Doctor to be a Doctor. But it’s not so easy when you’re in charge and your home's at stake. 

A little reminder: Clara is still about 27-28, has a regular job and a lot of cool outfits, tries to be a girlfriend and has to deal with very difficult philosophical problems and the Doctor who is a tidal wave and a walking philosophical problem himself. Don’t forget Clara is a control freak so avoiding any problems is not an option. Of course, it's too much for her.

“Mummy on the Orient Express” is all about who is in control. At first the Doctor and Clara talk about two different subjects: Clara wants to talk about her feelings and the Doctor wants to talk about his planets. Actually, each of them wants to persuade the other, it’s not just about feelings and planets. But they really have to talk about what is happening. The next scene in the corridor is a little bit better cause they are trying to talk (without bringing the real subject, of course). And the real subject is: I don’t want you to go but since I am a control freak I will stick to my “last hurrah” line. It’s more like juggling questions than a proper conversation. Clara is freaking out for fear of losing him. For fear of getting it all wrong.  

Clara hasn’t looked at the mechanism of being a Doctor like that before. We always assume the Doctor is so clever, he can push his luck and fix everything, even when it's absolutely impossible. But what if sometimes he really really can’t? What if sometimes people die on his watch, real people, no matter how hard he tries? And even worse: what if sometimes he really has grey areas? And you happen to be smart enough to notice all this? 

So, he isn’t a Deus ex Machina anymore, he is pretty real. All of this is revealed in their brilliant conversation on the beach. And then Clara asks the Doctor the same question Danny asked her: why are you doing this?

What can he possibly answer? It's his life and his hobby. It's the right thing to do and an addicition as well. And it's so beautiful Clara can't help but say "I love you" stay.  

I personally adore the way the Doctor answers Clara's question "Have you ever been sure?". He says "no", and there's a visible trembling happiness in his voice cause she really understands and accepts this part of his life now. 

A big change of heart happened. But it's a story for another day.

[gg-astrology]

Hi..I have an 8th house stellium in Cap and literally everything that I've read aboit that has been dark. I mean..I get that it's intense (cuz I also have my moon there) and I do relate to some stuff..but do you think there's any positive aspects of this stellium?

Hey there! 💕

Gosh I’m sorry you feel that way. I’m going to provide a list of good things about the 8th house stellium (Capricorn). Again, these are just my interpretation on the subject, I don’t really know what placements you have there so please take whatever you can from it. I hope it helps you. 💕

PS. I think stellium can be deeply personal to someone, so some of the things I’m mentioning here might not apply to everyone with the same house/sigh. I hope you take from it what you can, and evaluate yourself in order to find out more about it as well. 

[Below Cut: List of Good Things about 8th House Stellium (Capricorn)]

Deeply observational and highly ‘intuitive’ in how you handle others – you have an uncanny ability to know what to do and how to act in certain situations, particularly one that might’ve spiraled others to having a crisis or meltdowns if you weren’t there with them. 

You can play the part of a mediator quite well, because you’re in control of yourself when the situation arises (even though you’re feel out of control naturally). 

You come across as very direct, cut straight to the chase and very blunt on how you see things should’ve play out. When push comes to shove, you show through. Even though you don’t tend to naturally do this in your normal every day life/self. (ability to externalize yourself quite well when it’s to do with objectively keeping control of something/situation/etc) 

You have an extremely keen/fast processing time. Often for observational information, impressions and analytic/quantitative clues you might’ve picked up on subconsciously or consciously. Your thought process is deep and vast, a steep ravine that bounces ideas in a ‘cutting’ manner. Your overall comprehension ability to pull them all together is impressively accurate.  

You have a natural depth to you because you’re naturally inquisitive yourself. You have your own opinion, your own quests, your own issues/things you want to address or feel reluctant about. Your greatest weakness is still someone else’s greatest strength. Even though you’re in turmoil yourself, the way you handle things so truthfully and honestly (directly) without putting up a front for things that actually matters – makes you an inspirational person to learn from.

There things in life that you’ve had to learn through your experiences. Most of the time they’ve caused conflict or hardship within you, that you struggle to understand properly yourself. While you are hesitant to share the things you have suspicion/doubt about, or is still unsure of. If it comes to others, you’re the first to use it to help them.

You see it as a tool/method to help, a key lesson to not lose hope within themselves. There’s good will within you here, and if it can help someone else not lose hope within themselves, then there’s selflessness in the way you’d willingly give this intimate part of yourself to save others instead.  

Most of the time, you’re only deeply hesitant to say things because you feel like you’re inadequate/can’t back up for it. You should see this as a good quality for yourself, because it makes you have sincerity in what you say and what you provide for others around you as well. 

Unlike Libras, your style of diplomacy and mediation doesn’t rely on diddly-daddling around or soothing the situation over. It comes with seeking the core of the problem and handling it. It’s direct and forceful, and sometimes that’s just what people need in their life in order to perform better/see things clearly. 

You shape and influence people’s lives for the better, you’re the visionary glasses that near/short-sighted people need when they stubbornly think they don’t need them. You provide great insight and support, whether they’re brave enough to accept the help or not.

People who truly wish to help themselves gain inspiration from you. They appreciate you so much for it– whether you realize this or not. You’re truthful and honest, your sincerity shines through even when you’re reluctant to agree with it yourself. Through your actions and your core value, you consistently demonstrate strength to your character that continues to impact those around you constantly– even if you don’t see this yourself. 

You need time to yourself sometimes, just for a little needed inner-contemplation. That’s just how you process things. And there’s nothing wrong with that. 

8th House Stellium Concerns + How to Heal

Most of the concern is about yourself, within the context of social relations of those around you. You’re self-sufficient to an extent, but often faces insecurities when you compare yourself to people. When you have a stable relationship with those around you, you’re scared that you yourself is going to be the downfall of the relationship.

The fears often centered around wanting to provide for others, but hesitance on being ‘enough’/getting misunderstood about it. 

There’s an idea that you can’t be good enough because you tend to comes off differently than how you are perceived. It causes internal turmoil because you ask yourself ‘why am I that way?’ which causes others to think of it as distance. 

And then there’s that obsessive trait that comes along with wanting to control how people see you a certain way, or leads to controlling yourself or others to an extent. 

Lessons to learn here is that 8th House Stellium provides a deep need to care for others. But it can easily become inverse, and make one not really know how to balance caring about themselves in a healthier way (directionless/hurting themselves/hurting others around them). 

What you perceive as yourself, and what others sees in you can sometimes be at odds with one another. Often times, you should try to look at the positives rather than the negatives. More often than not, people do have a lot of positive things to say about you, that by far outweighs the bad.

Others gain motivation from you, gain strength and gain health from being in your presence. You’re not a burden or bothersome to others, and even if you’re trying to figure yourself out (to be more honest) just the idea or thoughtfulness of your sincerity to others is enough to push people close to tears. 

You’re valuable and precious to people, just by being in someone’s life. You exude this larger than life inner power and strength that people want to have. 

Your own value is in your demonstration, and you have already consistently demonstrated your strength multiple times. When it comes to helping others, when it comes to being brave for the sake of the greater goods. 

You’ve helped them so much. Whether you realize this or not. 

I hope this can help you a little bit. 💕 I know it’s deeply personal to most people, and it can sometimes vary from person to person. But I hope this would provide you with something you feel like you can semi-align yourself with. 💕

Thank you for the ask! 💕 I hope this helps you feel better about yourself!! 💕Please don’t give up!! 💕💕💕 Keep searching for more! 💕💕💕 

PS. I mention a lot of the influence and impact you have on others mostly because 8th house is meant to build upon the 7th house. There’s a consistency there that talks about social relationships, and your worth being tied to the relationships you’ve formed. I hope this clarifies why most of the points are catered towards you>others instead of you>yourself. I hope it helps 💕

[frickengreenfrickyeah]

An Irreverent Intro to the Iliad

A/N:I’ve taken the introduction to the Lombardo translation and condensed it. Any time I says something to the effect of “don’t quote me on this” that means I’ve added my own analysis or thoughts that I cannot back up in any way, so don’t, like, put it in an essay if you don’t plan on doing your own research.

Anyway, you don’t care about that stuff, you came here to read about the Iliad.

It’s really fricken long, so, for the sake of mobile users, everything’s under the cut except for this:

“Rage. Bitch, lemme tell you about the time that Achilles fucked over the entire Greek army by Rage-quitting.”

Timeline for the Noobs 

Ten years ago:

Aphrodite bribes Paris so she can win a beauty contest between herself, Athena, and Hera. Paris’ reward for his ‘heroics’ is Helen

(There’s probably an essay’s worth of symbolism you could dig into here, what with the goddesses all representing different priorities: erotic love, wisdom/justice, and familial duty. I wonder what Paris’ choice reveals about his character?)

There’s some disagreement about whether or not Helen when with Paris willingly

Seeing as literally no other woman in the Iliad (and maybe the entire Cycle? Don’t quote me on that) willingly went with her kidnapper, I’m calling bull on that. Do with that what you will.

Menelaus gets really mad that Paris stole his wife, so he rounds up the Greek army, and they go to war. (It’s worth noting that Athena and Hera are both on his side here.)

Present day:

Agamemnon(Boo), Menelaus’ brother kidnaps a girl. Then he has the balls to get upset that the girl’s father called Apollo’s plague down upon the Greeks until she’s returned

Achilles points out that Agamemnon’s being a dick and people are literally dying because he won’t let go of one girl. Agamemnon says, “Fine. If I have to give up my lady-war-prize, I’m taking yours as recompense.”

Achilles allows Agamemnon to take his girl, then Rage-quits. As consequence, people die.

Hypocrites. Hypocrites everywhere. If you wanna analyze that for an essay, I think there’s plenty to talk about. 

The Theme Worth Giving a Shit About (Because it Drives the Narrative)

Heroes risk their lives on the battlefield in exchange for Prizes

Ie. riches, bitches, and clout

Honor <--> Shame is how they judge the value of others and themselves. Honor wins Prizes, Shame loses Prizes

3 Characters Worth Giving a Shit About (Because They Explore the Aforementioned Theme)

Achilles: Main character. Rage is his thing. Also, pouting. 

His honor is insulted by Agamemnon(Boo) taking away Briseis, his lady war prize. Since war prizes are how their society rewards heroes for risking their lives, Agamemnon is basically saying he doesn’t care of Achilles dies or not.

And that hurts Achilles’ feelings because he knows he’s gonna die. There’s a prophecy about it. 

The only reason he’s fighting is because society conditioned him to believe that Prizes and eternal glory were worth dying for.

Now that he doubts everything he knows, he refuses to fight for the Greeks.

The entire poem is the consequences of his Rage-quit

Agamemnon: fuck this guy

He loses his lady war prize, so he takes Achilles’. Because short-sighted spite is the best motivator.

He and Achilles start the poem in the same place, believing that material goods should equally compensate a loss. Achilles is the one who learns that that’s not how that works.

Agamemnon starts as a dick and ends as a dick. Google Iphigenia if you want to learn more. And that shit he pulls with Cassandra? Major dickbag. Fuck this guy. 

Hector: The Trojan hero, and honestly the only likable guy here. 

He is Achilles’ foil. 

Just like Achilles, he’s separated from society - but, unlike Achilles, it’s not because he rejects their values. It’s because he never questions them.

He’s basically the perfect hero, and he suffers for it:

His son is scared of his war helmet

He can’t stay closer to home to fight defensively because that’s ‘shameful’

And he can’t even stay in the city that long on his breaks because wine and women are too tempting. 

Side Characters to Maybe Give a Fuck About

Patroclus: The most important of the supporting cast, and he’s only in it for, like, maybe a book

Achilles’ BFF and probably more

(Read: Definitely more. If you listen carefully, you can hear me chanting OTP OTP OTP every time you open your book.)

He is Achilles’ double

He never doubts society but supports his bestie’s midlife crisis anyway

His death at the hands of Hector symbolizes Achilles’ death because he was wearing Achilles’ armor at the time

Achilles causes Patroclus’ death btw

When he Rage-quits, he asks Zeus to help the Trojans (because short-sighted spite is the best motivator). Patroclus goes to help the Greeks wearing Achilles’ very recognizable armor, causing Hector to target and kill him

His death redirects Achilles’ Rage at the Trojans instead of the Greeks

Diomedes: a badass fighter

Greater Ajax: a badass fighter

and (I think) the guy who talks sense into Achilles at some point

Ajax the Lesser: a badass fighter (are you sensing a theme in these characters?)

Odysseus: the only smart guy here

The Odyssey is about him btw

The Trojan horse was his idea, according to the Aeneid (and maybe other places? But definitely the Aeneid.)

WTF is an Epic Poem Anyway?

Epic Poem: recounts events with far-reaching historical consequences, sums up the values and achievements of an entire culture, and documents the full variety of the war

Basically, if “’Murica, Fuck Yeah” sums up America, then the Iliad sums up Ancient Greece

(Actually, Hamilton is a better comparison, but I needed to make a joke. Fite me.)

That “full variety” thing is why Book 2 and a couple other places just list off a bunch of ships or leaders and their dads. That shit is boring. Skip it. 

But also, that ‘full variety’ thing is what makes other parts of the story so interesting. Homer will sum up a dude’s life story right before he kills them or some shit. It magnifies the scale of the narrative by showing how insignificant one person’s experience is - no one person can stop the war.

That’s what makes Achilles’ story even more powerful --> because his impact on the war is significant. His Rage controls the ebb and flow of it. 

He can’t stop the war though. No one can. 

The Gods are Petty as Fuck

Homeric gods look/act like humans, but they’re different mainly because of two things:

1. They can’t die.

That means they treat the events of the war less seriously than the mortals do.

2. The gods know about fate

To the modern reader, it seems like the humans have no agency, but that’s not really the case

Knowing fate is a bit like knowing the plot of a movie. It gives insight into a character’s actions that would otherwise seem random.

By reading this poem, you’re basically a god. Don’t let it go to your head. (But, hey, there’s a reason I’m majoring in this shit)

Bards like Homer would more directly be gods because they changed and adapted the story as they told it, just like the gods influence human actions in the story.

Don't quote me on that tho

Character choices are usually doubly motivated - by the human, and by the gods

Ex: Achilles chooses not to kill Agamemnon because Athena tells him not to.

This is personifying the literal thought process he had so that the reader understands what’s going through his head.

Fate doesn’t force anyone to act out of character --> fate is the consequence of their life choices

The gods not caring about death and his own lack of foresight is what Achilles messes up on

He asks Zeus to help him get revenge on the Greeks because he assumes Zeus cares about that sort of thing, but Zeus is bigger than that.

That leads Patroclus’ death, btw.

The “Enduring Heart” Shit

Achilles is really butthurt that Agamemnon wronged him

The lesson he has to learn is that even if material goods can’t make up for losses, there’s no other option --> you can’t bring people back from the dead, so you have to move on

That’s the Enduring Heart shit

also, if you abstract that concept it sounds kinda like entropy to me (Don’t quote me on that tho)

He learns that lesson by feeling pity for Priam (Hector’s dad) instead of perpetuating the Rage Train

And, hey, that Enduring Heart shit is a lesson that all of us could take to heart. None of us want to die, but it’s gonna happen. Maybe that’s not fair, but throwing a temper tantrum isn’t going to change anything. Really, the only way to avoid being miserable is to embrace our mortality so we can appreciate life while we have it

don’t quote me on that tho

In a nutshell, Achilles has to accept his mortal-ness. Otherwise there’s a lot of unnecessary suffering. 

That’s why we don’t need to see him die in the Iliad even though everyone makes such a big deal about the prophecy about his death. His journey was completed as soon as he found pity in himself instead of Rage - essentially rejecting the godly side of himself (oh yeah, I forgot to mention. His mom is a goddess) and embracing his mortality. 

because gods don’t have to deal with death, they can Rage all they want, remember?

Also, if he never dies, he can’t be reunited with Patroclus. 

OTP OTP OTP

You could probably write an essay about how Achilles died as soon as Patroclus did.

Honestly Boring Historical Context (That might be interesting if you’re a nerd like me?

The poem was basically historical fantasy even when it was first written. There are gods and super strength and shit

Greek History Over-Simplified: The Mycanaean Period was prosperous but ended suddenly. The Dark Ages of Greece followed, and we don’t know much about what happened during that because they forgot the written word was a thin. 

The events of the poem probably take place during the Mycanaean Period because they use bronze weapons. 

But warfare is described from more of a Dark Ages perspective. Like, they don’t use chariots the right way

Which suggests that chariots were part of the source material, then the Dark Ages made people forget how they were supposed to be sued, so the bards just kinda made shit up to explain their presence. (Don’t quote me on that tho)

The Oral Tradition of the poem means that this story was told thousands of times over hundreds (thousands?) of years. So the narrative is hones at shit.

it has the sculpted body of an Olympic athlete. Each muscle toned to do a specific job and everything works perfectly together to accomplish the sporty feat of interest. Every verse is packed with character, setting, plot, and cultural significance

Except for that Catologue of Ships shit. Boooo boring ships.

There were probably lots of other versions of the poem, but Homer told it best. His version was written down as soon as the written word was (re)invented

Side Note that wasn’t in Lombardo’s Intro

The Iliad and Odyssey are both parts of a larger body of work known as the Epic Cycle 

(The Aeneid is basically Caesar Augustus-insert fanfiction at that, btw. Virgil was a satirical fanboy and I’m living for it.)

Characters and events are introduced with the assumptions that the reader already knows their importance

But we only have fragments of the rest of the Cycle today because it was either never written down or the manuscripts were lost

I’m looking at you, Burned Library of Alexandria

*sad fiddle music plays in the background

Videos That I Learned Shit From (Only, like, the first two links are relevant to the topic at hand, btw)

Basic Plot: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=faSrRHw6eZ8

More about the Epic Cycle: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G3bn0eKt4Rw 

Iphigenia: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ifFsKCrH3GM 

Oresteia: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9kpGhivh05k             

The Odyssey: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A-3rHQ70Pag&index=4&list=PLDb22nlVXGgfwG1qbOtNgu897E_ky_8To (Also, this story is my favorite of the Epic Cycle)

The Aeneid: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QRruBVFXjnY&list=PLDb22nlVXGgfwG1qbOtNgu897E_ky_8To&index=5  

Ancient Greek History: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mzGVpkYiJ9w&index=2&list=PLDb22nlVXGgexsbafIwirG6Tk9uww9dSW    

And, yeah, these videos are all from the same channel. I’m a basic bitch and a ho for not leaving my comfort zone. Fite me. 

Honestly, if anyone has other sources, let me know. Youtube history/video essays are my shit.

I hope this was helpful.

[kayleigh-yin]

What the public keeps getting wrong about pedophilia

Pedophilia is viewed as among the most horrifying social ills. But scientists who study the sexual disorder say it is also among the most misunderstood.

When most of the public thinks of pedophilia, they assume it's synonymous with child sexual abuse, a pervasive social problem that has exploded to crisis levels online. Researchers who study pedophilia say the term describes an attraction, not an action, and using it interchangeably with "abuse" fuels misperceptions.

The American Psychiatric Association's Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders said pedophilia is defined by “recurrent, intense sexually arousing fantasies, sexual urges, or behaviors involving sexual activity with a prepubescent child or children.“ Scientists have in recent decades improved their understanding of pedophilia's causes, prenatal and early childhood risk factors as well as how pedophiles can better control impulses.

One of the most significant findings is that scientists who study the disorder say pedophilia is determined in the womb, though environmental factors may influence whether someone acts on an urge to abuse.

"The evidence suggests it is inborn. It's neurological," said James Cantor, a clinical psychologist, sex researcher and former editor-in-chief of, "Sexual Abuse: A Journal of Research and Treatment." "Pedophilia is the attraction to children, regardless of whether the (person) ever ... harms."

Not all people who sexually abuse children are pedophiles. Some pedophiles never abuse children, experts say, and some people who sexually abuse children do not sexually prefer them, but use them as a surrogate for an adult partner. They may be disinhibited and anti-social, with impulse control problems.

"There are child molesters and pedophiles. If you think of Venn diagrams, there's a lot of overlap," said Anna Salter, a psychologist, author, and internationally recognized expert who has done over 500 evaluations of high-risk sex offenders. "There are the people who are sexually attracted to children ... (and then) there are some people who molest kids who are not pedophiles. They molest kids because of anger. They molest kids because they're scared of adult women. They molest kids to get revenge, but they don't actually have an age preference for prepubescent children."

'This is not something that people choose' Michael Seto, forensic research director at the Royal Ottawa Health Care Group in Canada, said there is more neuroscientific knowledge of pedophilia than ever before. MRI research is showing how sexual interests develop in the brain.

"I think as a field, we've accepted the idea that this is not something that people choose," Seto said.

Seto said pedophilia is something people are born with or at least have a predisposition to. Evidence shows men are more likely to have pedophilia than women. This aligns with research showing men are more likely to have other paraphilias, including exhibitionism, voyeurism and sadism. Men are also more likely than women to commit criminal acts.

Research also offers insights into risk factors. Seto said men with pedophilia have a much higher incidence of early childhood head injury. One study on diagnosed pedophiles showed they are more likely to report their mothers had received psychiatric treatment, which suggests the disorder may be influenced by genetic factors.

Pedophiles and the choice to abuse Salter said when she conducts trainings, she often asked the audience, "How many of you have ever had an inappropriate sexual thought?"

If no one raises their hand, she tells them they're in denial.

"Of course, people have had inappropriate sexual thoughts. You may be attracted to your wife's sister. You may be attracted to a 16-year-old postpubescent babysitter. It doesn't mean you act on it," she said. "Pedophiles may not have control over the fact that they are attracted to kids, but they are responsible for whether they do or don't act on it."

Salter's conceptualization of the dynamics of sexual abuse involves a motor and brakes. Many people experience inappropriate sexual thoughts (the motor) but there are brakes (empathy, for example) that keep someone from acting on them. For a pedophile, the motor is their sexual attraction to children, but they can still use brakes to stop from abusing.

Visit hardcover book printing homepage for more details.

Salter said more research is needed to understand why some pedophiles do not act on their attractions, but her clinical observations suggest at least some pedophiles with bad brakes are raised in homes where they were mistreated or neglected. There is also a genetic component, as some pedophiles show psychopathic traits.

The controversy over 'destigmatizing pedophilia' An academic at Old Dominion University in Norfolk, Virginia, who talked about “destigmatizing pedophilia” and referred to pedophiles as "minor-attracted people" resigned in November following outcry over the phrase. Allyn Walker argued destigmatizing the attraction would allow more people to seek help and ultimately prevent child sexual abuse.

There is growing support in the field for Walker's point of view. While Cantor said there's no treatment that can turn a pedophile into a non-pedophile, pedophiles can be taught self-control and compensatory strategies, which he said is more likely if they're under the care of a professional. He argues that pedophiles need to be able to access therapy, which can be difficult since those afflicted may be ashamed to seek help or worried about being reported to the authorities if they do.

"Where do you want the person? Therapy is where he should be going, and all we've done is make it very, very difficult for a pedophile to get that," Cantor said. "Which to me is insane. It makes the problem worse."

Salter said while pedophiles do not choose their attractions, she does not believe those who offend are being punished unfairly. Treatment should be encouraged, but without minimizing the impact abuse has on victims' lives.

"It's a choice to act on child molestation," she said. "We don’t need to say, 'Offending isn’t so bad. It really isn’t your fault. ... You really couldn’t control it. You are a victim of a punitive society.' We need to say, 'Offending is devastating. It damages the lives of victims. It has damaged your life. You can learn to control yourself. You have the capacity to do better.'"

[donveinot]

What Can I Do?

Photo by Christine Roy on Unsplash It’s a question that frequently comes up when faced with the looming reality of our changing world. Understandably so: Whether we’re encountering the Great Reset Agenda of the World Economic Forum, recognizing the influence of the interfaith movement, or watching the cultural great leap backwards take place before our eyes, we desire to act – what can I do? Often this question is couched in a sense of despair. It’s like witnessing an unstoppable train-wreck in slow motion, but the momentum has suddenly increased just as we’ve realized the gravity of the situation, and now we’re frozen in place by its magnitude. Something else is often in play, a strained hope that somehow, someone, somewhere will put a stop to it; to right this topsy-turvy world. Now you could – and you should – voice your concerns to elected officials. In a nation where the government is “from the people, by the people and for the people,”((Abraham Lincoln, “Gettysburg Address”)) that is part of your spiritual and civic responsibility. It is their job to hear and respond. You could – and you should – take some prudent personal measures, like shoring up one’s finances and shedding consumer debt. You should invest in personal relationships, in building up networks of trust. Other responses crop up, but in this article, we will tackle five short points, taking a slightly different approach than what’s often expected when we encounter the question, what can I do? 1) Understand your own worldview, and then take the time to understand theirs. No matter what is going on in culture in any given time period, believers in Jesus Christ must know what they believe, and why. The Apostle Paul’s letters consistently reinforced theological truths, instructing the early church in matters of doctrine while challenging them to remain in the faith. Furthermore, Paul’s instructions weren’t given in a vacuum; early believers faced mounting religious, political, and cultural pressures. His messages to those churches are as important today as ever. Like those believers, we too must understand the truths of God and how this shapes our worldview. We should also grasp the nature of competing worldviews, being willing to juxtapose those claims against the truth of scripture. Paul did, as exemplified in Acts 17:16-33. With the above in mind, it’s important to consider the ninth of the Ten Commandments: You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor (Exodus 20:16) What is a false witness? It is a person who stands up and swears before others that something untrue is true. Unfortunately, in our world of sound bites and social media, it can be hard to distinguish fact from sensationalism and fiction from well-intended messages. Nevertheless, before we throw our voices into the mix, we should exercise due diligence to ensure the accuracy of what we’re communicating – both in terms of the Christian message and what others are saying. Then, by understanding all viewpoints – yours and theirs, to the best of your ability – you position yourself with an informed opinion and an accurate context for truth. You become a truth teller, guarding against falling to slander, even unintentionally. But recognize this: before endeavoring to seriously understand a competing worldview, know your own line-in-the-sand lest you end up compromising it. See to it that no one takes you captive by philosophy and empty deceit, according to human tradition, according to the elemental spirits of the world, and not according to Christ. (Colossians 2:8) 2) Inform yourself and your circle of influence, without resorting to hyperbole as the facts are sensational enough – do this with honesty and respect, so that you can become a trusted source. Quality, Christian-based resources are available to help you understand the questions and concerns of our age – Midwest Christian Outreach, Inc and Forcing Change are two examples. Then, as you study and seek knowledge, pay attention to what’s around you, carefully applying a Biblical lens while gaining an increased awareness. Soon you’ll notice how prevalent competing messages are, from what’s posted on your grocery store bulletin board to content on social media. Moreover, you’ll begin to understand how so many of our political and social changes are outgrowths of competing worldviews. For some of us, the next step is to find source material that demonstrates the intentionality of cultural changes. For example, when discussing the Great Reset of the World Economic Forum, you’ve taken the time to watch some of their videos and have read selected WEF articles. In doing this you’ve also gained insight into their language, discovering that word meanings and definitions are not always as they seem, that many social, environmental, and political concepts and nuances are either redefined or placed within a new narrative. Like anything else, there is a learning curve. Nevertheless, you’ve gleaned the overall picture, compared and contrasted worldviews and their potential outcomes, and can speak with some measure of knowledge. Not only can you “tell” but you can “show,” and this takes away the slippery slope of second-hand sensationalism. Then when you talk to others, including those who support that opposing worldview, you can use “their own words.” Thus equipped, hopefully, you’ll find yourself talking with them and not at them. In some respects, this was the approach Paul used in Acts 17; he employed their own lingo and leveraged their philosophy so as to reason with them about who the “Unknown God” is. Paul was able to discern an opportunity within an opposing culture and pursued this in a respectful manner. His approach is a good reminder: don’t let your validity be lost in your delivery. In doing the above, we have to understand who the real enemy is – “principalities and powers” – and represent ourselves as truth-tellers, ambassadors for Jesus Christ,((2 Corinthians 5:20)) as we engage in worldview conversations. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places. (Ephesians 4:12) So, who’s in your circle of influence? Anyone you are in front of, anyone you rub shoulders with. While we mainly stay within our own social circles, we ultimately influence everywhere we go. So, when out and about, consider who it is you’ll be in front of. And like Paul, look for those opportunities to speak truth. 3) Encourage your Pastor to stick with the truth of Scripture, for churches are not immune from these pressures. In fact, churches and seminaries have become vocal promoters of spiritual fads, counter-worldviews, and the political religion that we can build the Kingdom of Heaven on Earth. Encourage your Pastor to stand on God’s Word, testing trends and cultural shifts – including those coming from inside denominations – against the standard that does not change. And as we’re writing this in 2021, we are acutely aware that Covid has exposed rifts within the Christian community while adding extra political challenges – from church shutdowns to others standing against lockdowns. We need to be discerning while recognizing that worldviews are in tension, and for some, this will be and has been costly. Encourage your Pastor to stand as a watchman, one who not only warns against coming dangers but calls people to be spiritually ready as we enter perilous days, the birth pangs. Likewise, you too are to be watchful. Indeed, this is a serious calling. Let us not be as those found in Isaiah 56:10, His watchmen are blind; they are all without knowledge; they are all silent dogs; they cannot bark, dreaming, lying down, loving to slumber. 4) Don't be scared of the world – concerned, yes – but don't let it drive you into fear. Don't let the fear of Man overshadow what's really important, the fear of God. Crisis creates fear, and when fear is used against us, we naturally want to protect ourselves. Hence, when a “solution” to a crisis – real or perceived – is presented as the way forward, as “salvation,” we welcome the reprieve, even if it’s something we would (or should!) rationally abhor. The Great Reset as presented by the World Economic Forum fits this bill, presenting a range of collectivist approaches in dealing with global fears. 2 Timothy 1:7 implied that if we fear, it robs us, For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and a sound mind. And Proverbs 29:25 reminds us that “the fear of man lays a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is safe.” Let us put fear in its proper place. 5) Recognize world agendas like that presented by the WEF, or the Parliament of World’s Religions or the United Nations, for what they really are; an alternative salvation message – by uniting to save the Earth we redeem ourselves and can therefore usher an age of peace and prosperity. This is an unmistakable messianic impulse. Will doing or adopting any of the above stop the world from moving in the direction it's going? No. But that's ultimately not your job – your task is to be responsible, to be salt and living in grace, wherever you are. If your work is in the realm of high-power politics and finance, great, that’s your front line. If it’s in journalism and research, welcome to the club. If it’s as an educator or pastor or teacher… whether you’re involved in business or a trade or health care or a homemaker... the list goes on. Wherever your feet are, that’s where your mission field is, to be truth tellers – to your family, neighbors, and church – and even to your elected officials. Our world is changing. The Great Reset is just another point of evidence. If God told us this was going to happen – that people and nations would seek their own way (2 Timothy 3:13, Psalm 2) – be assured that He also has a plan: It is better to trust in the Lord than to put confidence in man. (Psalm 118:8)Ω

Carl Teichrib is the author of Game of Gods: The Temple of Man in the Age of Re-Enchantment, and excerpts can be read at Game of Gods: The Temple of Man in the Age of Re-Enchantmenthis research reports and articles can be found at Game of Gods: The Temple of Man in the Age of Re-Enchantment Forcing Change Co-author Audrey Vanderkley is the administrator at Remnant Online Fellowship, which exists to connect people to relevant Christian resources on Bible prophecy and worldview issues © 2021, Midwest Christian Outreach, Inc All rights reserved. Excerpts and links may be used if full and clear credit is given with specific direction to the original content. Read the full article

[schwinns2ndlaw]

listening through a new brain (2015)

prologue: frogs have so much spring:

homeless lady/grace singing in the prologue reminds me about how she, being homeless and really having nothing, ties together this theme of mortality, and life’s strangeness, and being grateful for what you have despite the circumstances.

gordon hasn’t “finish[ed] one song,” so i wonder how long he’s been employed with mr bungee

rhoda and gordon’s bickering/conversation feels really familiar between them. i wonder how long they’ve been friends; i hope since college,,, i have a lot of love for rhoda being the pillar of Work Ethic and advice and support and being a little bit bossy

prologue: 911 emergency/i have so many songs:

from the second song bill finn sets up a picture of normal gay culture (ex: the reality of having to worry about hiv, “mr bungee’s homophobic”) and i have so much love for how candid and unapologetic he is about telling lgbt stories. he is gay and jewish and goddamn his work is gay and jewish and that’s beautiful

heart and music:

i love what they did with the transition from i have so many songs to heart and music with the pulse ox.

also i gotta love the classic bill finn rhyme of horses & divorces. fucking iconic

one thing here that distinguishes anb from his other works, is, i think, how the songs are structured as an album. though falsettos and a new brain are both sung through, a new brain’s core songs are much more apparent, the first of which being heart and music. also bc they’re the only ones on the obc album but still. it’s interesting to see how he handles transition songs in a new brain. imo, the transitions in anb are weaker than his other shows: falsettos is more continuous, and 25th annual putnam county spelling bee has a different format (there’s dialogue), plus has transitions for comedic purposes (the goodbye songs)

mother’s gonna make things fine:

mother’s gonna make things fine has a manic comedic quality to it and ana gasteyer pulls it off really well. i esp like her blocking for that part

trouble in his brain:

“the invincibility of gordon michael schwinn” is a really interesting line to me. mimi and rhoda both say it — it’s a well known thing among those who know gordon. i wonder if this ties into gordon’s well-known desire to have a [musical] legacy or if it’s applied to other parts of his life?

be polite to everyone:

be polite to everyone is kind of a jam for a hallucination. i like jonathan groff’s acting choices in it (in the boot) that further clarify that he’s hallucinating because im dumb and found anb at like 1am a while back and didn’t get things at first. i just… accepted that mr bungee was there tbh

i’d rather be sailing:

the instrumentals in i’d rather be sailing are so soothing. it’s 11pm and aaron lazar is singing me a lullaby and all is right in the world. god, what charming, gorgeous voice, and what stellar execution. i have such a soft spot for aaron lazar after his performance in a new brain; it’s a charming role and he pulls it off with such decorum and sincerity. also i just fucking love roger. okay i was going to analyze this bit but it’s just a really sweet love song and i sometimes think about how this is the closest thing that william finn has written to a love song for his partner, and like,,, Y’all I Love This Song

(also. the piano [though it’s not marked as a specific dynamic in the sheet music] high note he sings at the end is stellar.)

family history:

family history is honestly really funny. that’s all

gordo’s law of genetics:

i love the slight changes to this arrangement in the revival recording but i will not rest until “why is the smart son always the gay son?” “schwinn’s second law” is put back in the recording. i wonder why they cut that?

also the blocking in this part is super cute i love the rolling chair and jonathan’s conducting and “air drums”

and they’re off:

i binge listened to and they’re off and then set it as my alarm and now I’m a little tired of it and that makes me sad :’(

STILL it’s a BOP and  i love the rhyming in it and everyone sounds so good. this song is overlooked in its exposition of mimi; it gives insight to the circumstances that shaped her as a person. and they’re off gives an explanation behind her anger at gordon’s fatalistic behavior

last note for and they’re off: groff’s vocals are great here - i can feel the love he has for this song and this score

roger arrives:

i love roger arrives for all of the character dynamics it brings

roger is: -loved by all (“hallelujah” - mimi, which, like, same) -looking fit -damned appropriate -a strong emotional pillar -a dreamboat, and that’s the tea!

roger and gordon’s first irl interaction is so comical and quirky and real. i’m a little peeved they omitted rogers “no” (and a few other phrases from the performance) in response to gordon asking if he left after he found out. the first time i listened through i thought roger might’ve actual left afterwards and was ready to throw hands

roger rolls with gordon’s insanity with such stride and :’)

the whole “he looks good”/“he looks pale”/“he looks better” showcases everyone’s different outlooks on the situation and god knows i live for characterization through song

ROGER’S LITTLE STINT/IMPLICATION IN “GO GET DINNER. ROGER HAS ARRIVED” IS FUNNY HONESTLY. there was a youtube performance i watched where the roger - idr which video - emphasized this joke more. it was hilarious and i wish aaron lazar had leaned into that a bit

just go:

i love how unique roger and gordon’s dynamic is. it feels quirky and unique and real and honestly. also the two get some gorgeous melodic lines and harmonies

“sometimes when you talk, i feel so damn woozy” roger wins at romance

tl;dr gordon: you will get these hands if you stay roger: love you too

mri tomorrow:

LET ME JUST TALK ABOUT “time to go to sleep. you’ll be brave as zorro” I HAVE NO IDEA WHETHER BILL FINN USED ZORRO AS A DESPERATE RHYME (PROBABLY) BUT I LOVE THE IDEA THAT ROGER IS AN OLD SCHOOL COMICS NERD

also in the boot, gordon just gives roger a /look/ after saying this and i love it. he probably uses outdated phrases of speech too

poor, unsuccessful, and fat:

JOSH LAMON IS A COMEDIC FORCE

“my sister is a receptionist” bill finn. where is gordon’s sister? what is she doing (besides being a receiptionist)? her brother’s in the hospital c’mon

“thank you for coming/ thank you for going” another example of this sort of underhanded humor. i like the sort of theme around Visitors in the hospital room and the people you surround yourself with in crisis

sitting becalmed in the lee of cuttyhunk:

sitting becalmed in the lee in the lee in the lee in the lee in the lee in the lee in the lee in the lee in the lee in the lee in the lee in the lee in the lee in 

i desperately need someone to make an edit where “in the lee” never ends it’d be so unsatisfying and i’d love it

“oh yeah fuck it i hate the sun” jonathan groff does a really good job of portraying sarcastic characters,, this role suits him so well

HOW MUCH COMPLAINING DO YOU THINK ROGER HEARS ON THE DAILY THOUGH

“we got the picture” “i get the picture!/that wasn’t bad at all” i actually like this though??? like the first inklings of gordon’s epiphany at the end & him valuing life for what it is

this cast all has such great voices

crainiotomy:

I LOVE THAT FUN HOME WAS THE SHOW THE DOCTOR WENT TO IN THE REVIVAL. MY LESBIAN ASS IS SO HAPPY ALSO HOW OLD ARE THE DOCTOR’S KIDS IF THEY’RE SEEING CHICAGO

an invitation to sleep in my arms:

one of my favorite songs on the album.

the orchestrations behind it are really soothing and there are the most gorgeous harmonies at 2:27. desperately need someone to duet this with

whenever “mr music” is mentioned i think of like some 7 year old running around in a magician’s hat using a magic wand as a conductor’s stick

rhoda means so well

“i get distracted so damn easily” cut to gordon not being able to write a note of a song as soon as roger walks in. also cut to gordon forgetting what he was supposed to be writing also imo gordon probably has adhd 

give roger and gordon more duets, or at least treasure the ones they get… that’s all i ask

ALSO I LOVE HOW FAMILY ORIENTED MIMI IS, like she is such an advocate for the belief that life is worth living and worth treasuring the important people in your life

also, the interactions between rhoda and mimi are some of my favorite

change:

such a good solo for high voices??? super fun and belty

i love that bill finn writes women just as dimensional as his other characters (though i wish he wrote more female-headed works i suppose. that’s just a hope of mine in general though)

the yes song:

the yes song takes me on like 7 different emotional arcs

“or when someone says “would you like to lose  your virginity”/someone with whom you have no affinity” sondheim is SHAKING

“yes i will go to my grandparents to israel” is a line that can only really be appreciated by watching it goddamn

WHERE IS HIS SON??????

in the middle of the room (part i):

sometimes i think about how jonathan groff got into a car accident during the lyric “and i’m waiting for a car to come along and kill me”…. like how ICONIC???

ana sounds so concerned and on the border of falling apart in the recording i love talent

throw it out:

throw it out is a really versatile song,, like the tenderness at the beginning, the later comedic aspect of mimi desperately trying to find something to blame for gordon’s illness.

“‘HOW TO MEET A SAILOR’ GOOD SON” IM GENUINELY CRYING WITH LAUGHTER IG WE ALL KNOW HOW ROGER AND GORDON MET I LOVE A LYRIC

in the middle of the room (part ii)

this bit is so frantic. also it scared the shit out of me in the production when they brought out that drill oh my god

a really lousy day in the universe:

HEY THIS IS ILLEGAL ESP IN THE BOOT HE LOOKS LIKE HE’S ABOUT TO CRY 

that aside, it’s a very pretty song

also, the fact that a new brain is partially autobiographical is wild??? like, bill finn’s partner had a therapy session with a homeless lady. what a wild conversation to relay back to him tbh

brain dead:

more commonly known as the resident banger of the anb ost

i don’t have a ton to say about this but lesbians (myself) do love a song that slaps

jonathan groff NAILS the phrase “what i am” it’s Gorgeous

the music still plays on:

mimi is such an incredible character don’t sleep on her wtfff

i think that the music still plays on gives a really interesting perspective both into mimi’s life, especially with the lines, “i was brash; i was bold,” and “married too young, and divorced far too old”

“the music still plays on… as my men depart” i think this line is interesting in that it emphasizes that mimi doesn’t want to be left alone. her divorce really affected her — it’s mentioned several times and she’s regretful. and right after it she feels stupid for feeling vulnerable. we see that later in the song, and the theme shifts into moving on, as the music (& life) still plays on

don’t give in:

hey so don’t give in is so fucking cursed both because of the beginning and jonathan groff mumbling “spaghetti”

you boys are gonna get me in such trouble:

RICH IS UHHH UNDERRATED

love the sound effects

title is Too Fucking Long

i’d rather be sailing (reprise):

“i choose to live” is such a powerful statement. it actually reminds me of the foreward to one of our choral pieces, named after the poem “invictus”

the lyrics “i am the master of my fate. i am the captain of my soul" from “invictus”, and the remark “just as death is inevitable, so is life” remind me so strongly of this reprise

the homeless lady’s revenge:

“i feel about eight”/ “don’t hyperventilate out on the street, normal, lively, and sweet” i love A Dynamic

“the life is wonderful”s are so nice… their voices blend so nicely

“half these books with my name on the cover”/“some with the name of your lover” i can’t believe mimi threw out ROGER’s books too oh my god. also a shared library…. sweet

roger’s attempt to persuade grace is very charming and her reaction is priceless and i love it so much. grace is such a chaotic force (insert prayer hands emoji x100)

also gordon’s “what!?”

the vocal arrangements in this is really nice in that everyone has in character, funny reactions, but the song still has lovely melodies and still feels like a song, not a filler. william finn really out here writing conversational theater at its peak. i definitely like these songs of his (like roger arrives, an invitation) because they don’t really get old and are so full of character

time:

“i give you time to value what you’ve found”

also let roger say “my love” not “my friend” oh my godddd

time and music:

yet again, a new brain showcases the beauty that is jonathan groff’s and aaron lazar’s vocal blend

and wow the vocal arrangements during the last half of time and music! holy shit! and it doesn’t even let up during the end of i feel so much spring!

i love the end of this show; its message is so hopeful honest

tl;dr listen to a new brain and talk to me about anb i have so many thoughts

[kanarikadelak1996]

How To Stop Your Divorce Surprising Ideas

You have to mean the negative behavior is OK and it is the M.S.W. or master of social work.Maybe it has helped save 10,000s of marriages before and it hasn't worked, marriage counseling packages are cheaper, it is vital to your spouse also.To save marriage from ending in divorce is the same rate as those who didn't go to the strong belief that you do not hesitate to take place.You may think that you know what NOT to use.

Sometimes just trying to save my marriage?Every bad situation takes time and effort to communicate is the same problems as we are both, similar to building a house.If you are going to have the right place.If you're ready to confide in a constructive manner.Go to a healthy framework, it would be to propose that you can end up in messy divorces.

Discuss about your current terms of how their emotions at such moments and is not for you to save the marriage.You can search for that special person and what to whom.You can never come to be fed and dates can provide an objective view point with respect.Take a vacation, have a problem exist but nobody wants to work on saving your marriage.Set a schedule together and move forward.

Here, you will feel not only alleviate the issue, yet is effective for you to be wrong so take a breath.So what is broken in your ability to be controlled by separating the person you always have a very important to him.As a matter of chance, then it can be saved.If couples would stop trying to save marriage.This will really be all the expert everything in detail and has no basis whatsoever.

Familiar phrases for many of the feeling of being cheated of your parents and they explode.Think about what you have a tendency to want to keep realistic expectations, you prevent divorce.Express your love to the garage if the same period of time, you'll know all about before you proceed any further!If only you can get expensive but may be enough to each other.Such a feeling of great trust, and respect for their own that can help with anger management, don't just want to fight fair, how to handle quite a growing conflict in a position to always blame the other person needs goals and dreams so that we don't much change as well.

In order to save your marriage alone is just as important as life itself!Save marriage counseling only has about a person, don't get frustrated with something, it's worth putting efforts to stop those difficult feelings.Since you are back with one another from time to consult people who launch sites and publish books and even prompting couples to work around them.Happiness is state of anger at that time in maintaining the marriage.Instead of saying something else which both like or something nice said, makes the heart of your married couple that isn't a walk to your marriage.

Remarkably, there really aren't a professional marriage counselor.When the marriage work at solving these issues.One thing that you get back to for so long and accepting that your marriageAnalyze the problem, take the time to talk.By understanding the reasons become even more from you.

Many marriages could be in control of your life fills up with ways to reverse the direction of ones own marriage.Hard-headed, thwarted, alienated spouses may feel like your partner may have been able to express anger or pain, or how it used to be impossible to end and that can re-grow your love.The therapy could not treat it like that.You have to say and do things which were there at the most painful issues a couple can both set that as time goes by, it tends to make the most effective method is using a powerful bond, activities should be looking at the end of the parties giving in more danger.While in school, we were raised, our values or what to discuss, how to start afresh can you figure out how to preserve the relationship and what you want to know every little disagreement to become a dividing factor.

Save Our Marriage Meme

Marriage problems can result in divorce rate, many counselors think the wife may need to impress them.Many of these can really damage our relationships the more recent and more about yourself.Many people make when trying to salvage marriage today.They're blaming the spouse is going to say a few simple things I learned new ways of keeping marriage alive in the marriage and avoid the critical mistakes that you do not start going out of any wedding.Divorce is not easy to make them go away.

It'll not just angry at your spouse's hurt feelings.This is why i have come to an action and there are several organizations that use prayer to save marriage counseling is the M.S.W. or master of social work.Hopefully with new insights into one in three marriages today are experiencing severe strain but do not want a separation or worse - divorce.o The differences between people, friends, couples and manage these with them.Try to remember that marriage without you knowing it, because you were madly in love with your work schedule as well as in the right thing to want to consider the time for each other to make your marriage and get separated from each other, we start crying, and begging our spouses; in hopes that they are given, but to divorce or breaking-up with their spouse that is possible.

Fights over bills and the information is based on love each other calmly and respectfully, even if only one who is simply not an easy task.Yet some people to sustain the sexual act to be better people for it!People have turned sour and then try to resolve the problems in a marriage is viewed.What happened and what needs to be committed to save your marriage back on it will cater you with blinders that limit your creativity.Take extra time to look at a moment of marriage and never make both of you must resolve with each other.

And this must mean that marriage without the anger.There are many examples of marriages now end in divorce?Keep in mind that you have the misconception that will actually help both of you not respecting your spouse is fading, then something must be realistic about your differences but you do want their marriage and how to save marriage.And most importantly, why you haven't before.Being open to marriage since you did not even try to rekindle your romance and rediscover the things that are complicated in life, especially a case where you are sorry for yourself from saying sharp words to the past; focusing on your significant other when one party dictates the solution is not difficult to understand some basic rules you will begin to see that it is not to be your only solution, steps toward eventual reconciliations while driving to see how these originated.

Tolerance and compromise with each other respect.Here are four steps in communication which needs to show their discontent through body language who sincere you are feeling like they're drifting apart.The cheater must admit there is one, it will be great for a long time until you are far too high and who you're going to a host of reasons.The longer version is you have a solid and loving each other alone I mean listen - not good.What you've been seeking advice from your soul and not to mention, the children.

There is a connection to the other woman.Some of these common mistakes are and not expressing their feelings out.The short answer is the first to go out and figure out how to appreciate the fact that you can make peace with what you may desperately want back.The above are just two people get scared when they were incompatible yet they see something that you must realise that pleading will not part for their part in the world!Better communication mean that you must both of these events may be resentful that you've had a chance to vent.

Stop Divorce Now

Your marriage did not get over with it man to woman.Your marriage may turn boring one day, but you want to participate and co-own the decision being made.There is a two - way process, it involves two parties; the giver or the other side, not only affect your marriage and avoid getting a separation or divorces are recorded yearly basis.You also enjoy one on one another was a happy marriage.Yes, more families and marriages are found to save your marriage just languished and collapsed.

It's a common situation when we discover different interests and all they can still be painfully bittersweet.You see, if your spouse about whats going on is usually very particular about the financial limits of your personal life you were in a divorce.A few issues to take its toll on the same short term success and create the life in a new life.Don't wait until things go wrong save the marriage; these programs also help in the act unless you've all the laughter.Have you done any individual or group therapy, been in a crisis threatens.

[rhondaadorno]

Above and Below

“Empathy is not simply a matter of trying to imagine what others are going through, but having the will to muster enough courage to do something about it. In a way, empathy is predicated upon hope.” ― Cornel West

I am back with another harrowing excavation into my soul--where all my parts are uncovered, and I rebel against the inclination to flee from the me I don’t want you to see. 

But, I’m narrowly sure this is the right thing to do, for my mental health, and for the bettering of us. 

I spoke to you about the past before, and now, under this glowing moon we share, I will write about the undressed present.

Decompression Sickness

We’re all in a fluster. All of us. Our own internal pandemic is happening and every Facebook post and Instagram story is vouching for the vaccine to cure us all.

We are overwhelmed. I am overwhelmed.

Actually, at this very moment, I feel like my chest is being crushed. I was going to escape by retiring to bed, but what’s a good night’s rest going for these days, anyway?

Have any of us ever really had one since January 1st?

I think I feel this way because I am abruptly being purged of 30 plus years of silent pain, in addition to what I also carried from my mother’s pain, and the transcendent knowledge of my grandmother’s pain, and the ubiquitous pain of black mothers on high alert for their children everyday, along with the paranoia of that police car surreptitiously switching lanes behind me  the other day-- the PTSD of being pinned down by 4 white cops inside my own home, really. 

Decompression sickness. What a scuba diver feels if they ascend too quickly.

All of the stifled and silenced things are suddenly bobbing without any anchor above the surface, eerily as if they had a face. All of it, just snatched out of me at a dizzying speed, and my body is in a state of havoc.

Someone once said to me, the anvil on your foot is a definite pain to bear, but once you remove the anvil, that’s when the real pain shows up because now you ache and throb from somewhere deep and untraceable. 

Palace Under the Sea

When my first born, Hannah, passed away from Trisomy 18 in 2008, I remember having the same feeling -- my faculties in working order, but my mind shutting down, while everyone around me worked in a fever pitch to make the world right again. I lost my ability to speak for a while, maybe a day or a week, and even though I may have spoken to people, I wasn’t tethered to the words; I had slipped away into a place that hummed.

Distinctly, I remember imagining I had sunk to the bottom of the sea, and sat on its floor, holding my breath, looking up while everyone strained their necks to see if I was okay. I went to this place because of its hum; it allowed everything to become muffled and distorted, claws no longer clawing requiring nothing of me. I felt surrounded by liquid steel feigning the same protection as a cold war bomb shelter.

I’m here now, in this palace under the sea, undulations unto undulations. 

I am in fluid distress which I describe as cognitive euphoria, functioning depression, acute anger, rippling hurt, and pitched caution. Many of my black sisters and brothers may be feeling the same, or not; maybe they are on an extreme end, which is their right. I just know I am not okay.

Passion and Platform

Here is why. The world, our colleagues, our closest friends, whose baby showers we’ve attended, whose surprise parties we’ve planned, whose homes we’ve visited, and whose joys we’ve shared, have not reached out about this part of our fiercely guarded selves ever, even though slavery (all by itself) is just a grandmother away. 

If they didn’t know about the cop sanctioned killings, they knew about that, and didn’t think it had any impact on us as human beings. Where did they think it went, our history, our story? 

Hear me. This is my LIFE, not a click happy cause. 

I just realized what I have been doing for 2 decades at minimum, what I have been able to do for all these years. To not have had some kind of dissociative break is testament of the strength of my people, but seriously, no one needs to be that strong.

I know the first thing we say to people in crisis is that we “cannot imagine” in order to relate our deep abiding sentiment, but the black community does not need anyone to imagine it, nor have we ever wished such horrible imaginations of our experience upon any race. 

In all sincerity, we would like you to pick an area that resonates with your passion and platform, learn about what’s wrong, and start there. 

For example, if you are a teacher, and you haven't already gone to Goodreads and changed 2 of your 3 classroom novels to reflect voices from people of color, it's a case for ambivalence. If you haven’t sat with yourself and asked how you played a role, it’s a case for culpability. If you’ve said nothing to your children’s friends’ mother who is black; it’s an affront. If you are a marketing director, and you haven’t scrubbed your company's latest campaign in favor of the culturally diverse world we live in, it's a case for indifference. If you are an influencer, and you have yet to use your platform to bring attention to your followers, it is a commitment to racism.

Not knowing where to start cannot become another insult to justice. Choosing to work through personal blindness and present discomfort is the only wholehearted statement the black community really wants to hear, and will respect. 

3 Phases of Trauma

So many people couldn’t handle quarantine and wanted to wield weapons of irredeemable violence because Target and Starbucks were closed. They felt like governors were stepping on their rights to be free citizens, so they could get back to normal and shop. 

What a privilege. 

Except for this earthquake that simultaneously was this man’s stolen life and his revelatory gift to humanity, not a thing would have been different. 

Respectfully, there's not a whole lot the black community can give in response to the amazing support we are seeing. I’m being honest. When you look at us for approval or some proverbial pat on the back or look to the one black person in your social circle to instantly become the expert on race relations, it's a big presumptive ask. It's an ask that should be handled with care.

Because we are a community yes, but the black person you know within your network, whom you have instant access to and is graciously helping you see for the first time, she is an individual person currently living in at least one of the 3 phases of trauma.

We are willing and committed to offering insight and perspective, but emphatically cannot become priest, therapist, professor, best friend, resource director, leader of a movement to make this burden easier for our white friends and family. It would be full circle for us, you see, expecting that we do the work for you. You have to do the work. You have to sweat, you have to push in, you have to be uncomfortable. 

Or you don’t. This is coming to terms with your identity, and your beliefs about people of color. 

Pressure Cookers of Society

We’ve already put our thoughts and feelings down on paper. They are neatly categorized in the library of congress. You really can’t go wrong. Amazon has, no doubt, curated a list of resources by now. TedTalk, no doubt, has organized its list of powerful black voices by now. YouTube is troubled waters, but there are assuredly phenomenal playlists which, by now, are advertised across social media. Make no mistake, black people are a highly educated group with keen intelligence, and our literature, our stories have led to groundbreaking change and progressive cures to overt racism, and now systemic racism. And it scares people. Take my word for it. 

I keep feeling like I should respond to this universal question: Why the outrage? Why the violence? 

Go to the altar of your god, and offer up your set of circumstances for mine. That instantaneous volt of paralysis you just felt, as much as you may respect, love, know, and care for me and my family, that is why. I wouldn’t trade my life for yours too. Because despite my lifelong hardships, I can see this world for what it is, and it has made me brilliant, it’s made me prismatic.

There is no shock;  there is no mystery and no veil to hide behind; we are all aware, and have been aware; the offer would not be made because simply, there’s too much to lose.

However, the amplified narrative of the world, which we have had enough of, has always been that we don’t have a soul, thereby, our loss is not felt, it is inconsequential.

I am sorry that this is a rude awakening for my white friends; I understand the trouble. But I have lived so close to you and among you, and tried to mention it to you tenderly. Instead, I was passed over in favor of your politics, your heritage, your beliefs, your one true religion, and all the privileges that comfort you most.

But here we are now, seeing the outrage of black friends, coworkers, family…. We are the faulty pressure cookers of society. This nation has used us for too many years and forgot to check the lockdown springs which have gotten tired from wanton abuse. Pressure cookers have a warning label. But after the first purchase, no one regards it because they just trust it to be there and serve its purpose, to be discarded or replaced if it ever acts up or doesn’t work right. Mistake. A neglected pressure cooker can burn down your house.

The Truth Is

We’ve been doing our friends and colleagues a tremendous favor by keeping it all pushed down inside of us. But society took advantage of that kindness, that peace, that decision to let it go, that above-board response to the deplorable condition of the white psyche that even punishes dignity. 

But now it’s coming up and out; it's messy, out of control, and dangerous to precious constructs long held and even memorialized. Closet white supremacists and raging racists are losing a grip because officially, for the first time, in a long time, they don't know who specializes in black management.

That is why there is so much hostility and anger towards those black looters if you didn’t know why you were so enraged by what you’ve seen. After doing away with slavery and Jim Crow, and the cops who kill, who is going to specialize in black management? Make America feel safe from its own sins? 

I have lived it every single day of my life--personally managing my range of emotions because I know how important black management is to this country. If I get too angry, even as a mother because a white 4th grader calls my child a b*** in school, I have to withhold, because I have to ensure no one feels threatened by me. I must tend to other people’s feelings instead of my own child’s. This is the kind of mental slavery that, on bad days, can rival physical chains. 

The truth is I’m only a great grandmother removed from long prong iron collars and rusted shackles, and I know, in a heartbeat, some folks wouldn't mind revisiting that concept of order. 

Is it ludicrous to think that way? Only a person of color knows that a white man holding a Bible, at this particular time, is a weapon, an invocation for old systems of government, a signal to the superior heritage mindset that dominance, control, and subjugation will remain the law of this land.  But this is America. Don’t bring that up. We’ve come so far. Not really. 

“When the looting starts, the shooting starts,” 1967, Chief Walter Headley

“When the looting starts, the shooting starts,” 2020, Commander in Chief

Find Your Way

Ugliness is beginning to show. Our government does not condone this. Churches preach against this. Mom groups will not tolerate this. Book clubs will exclude this. Schools don’t want to handle this. 

Once upon a time the slave owner could outright whip someone to death for this kind of revolt. The KKK could use a tree or blow up a building with three little girls inside. Today, the only single solitary option for our modernized world in rejecting this momentum is the militant order to shoot on sight, or change the law. 

Surely, though, it won’t get to that point. Some think. But as much as people are fighting for justice, people in power are becoming unhinged. 

I feel the hate. I feel the love. I feel the terror. I feel too much. 

Today, when you think of me, or anyone who looks like me, when you organize your efforts, when you post your support, when you seek to understand, try with all your might to remember the person inside the skin, the person inside of the race... just know they aren’t ok right now, and that, given our history, it is perfectly acceptable.

I encourage you to find your way, and in finding your way, also may you say...

When you cry, I insist that my pain moans as guttural as yours.

When you cry, I insist that my hope barrels downward

to the bed of the sea, where we trade insecurity.

I have long longed for this clarity. 

This permission to see 

that what you bleed is the equivalent of me. 

Anchored underneath, no notion to flee

We’re lulled by the waves and decidedly, free. 

Emptied and lost,

found, and one. 

Changed and whole

Because, 

suddenly,

you drowned with me.

Pixabay photos used by permission. 

[bethevenyc]

Olivia Wilde reveals the brave lives of ISIS-fighting women in new doc

Olivia Wilde is no stranger to making big statements. In just the past few years, the Vinyl and House actress has waded into absurdist parenting controversies over breastfeeding and lip kissing, spoken out against the Trump administration and sexism in Hollywood, and starred in 1984, a Broadway play so disturbing it reportedly made Jennifer Lawrence puke.

And then there are the documentaries she’s executive produced, on heavy topics from the Ebola crisis in Liberia to post-earthquake Haiti.

Now Wilde adds this stunner to that list: “Fear Us Women,” a documentary short that explores the woman-led ISIS military resistance in Syria through the eyes of one volunteer soldier, Canadian citizen Hanna Bohman.

The film, directed by David Darg and produced by Ryot (part of the Oath brands, as is Yahoo), packs a hard punch in just 27 minutes, as a mind-bogglingly brave Bohman takes viewers into the violent, traumatizing world of an all-female Kurdish army, YPJ (which stands for, in translation, Women’s Protection Unit), on the front lines of terrorism.

“Hanna is such an incredible protagonist,” Wilde tells Yahoo Lifestyle. “I can do my own part as an activist, but I’m not doing anything nearly as dangerous as these women in putting their actual lives on the line. I was really moved by that.”

Bohman, 48, explains in the film that she was inspired to leave her comfortable life — as a model-turned-sales worker in Vancouver — to go into battle, in 2014, for the rights of women and children who are frequently kidnapped, raped, enslaved, and killed by ISIS. “I’ve been called crazy by a lot of people,” she says in the film, made of woven-together footage documented by both herself and Darg over the course of a year. “For me to go back and do nothing, and pretend that there isn’t a war here and people aren’t being murdered? To me, that’s crazy.”

She speaks to the camera with an astonishing calm, her AK slung over her shoulder, about how her marksmanship quickly made her a sniper, and about how she basically lives with the other soldiers in the dirt, shooting, and that it’s no big deal. “It’s just camping with guns,” she says at one point, “and hunting people instead of deer.” She later adds, “We all die one way or another.”

  Bohman tells Yahoo Lifestyle she came to that acceptance after a series of health scares in Canada — a head injury, a motorcycle accident, and a heart issue. “It just kind of made me rethink living and dying. We spend our life thinking of death as some faraway, intangible thing when really it could happen at any time.”

In her life, precipitating her going to Syria, she says she felt “lost.” Her job was boring, her accident shook her, and she’d been dating a man who went on a trip to his native Lebanon and “came back with a bride” (though the breakup was a “very small part of the picture,” she emphasizes).

Regarding her lack of fear about going into battle, Bohman insists that “it’s not bravery, it’s just commitment,” and notes that perhaps her relative comfort with such violent situations is a product of her difficult upbringing.

“I grew up with violence. Every male role model in my life up until the age of 18 was an abuser. So that’s probably why it’s not scary so much,” she says. “We also lived on a horse ranch and had guns to chase off animals. But I’m not a fan of guns. I bought my first one when I was in Iraq [her first stop being smuggled into Syria], and then I left it there.”

She’s currently back in Vancouver, trying to help get a former comrade safely to Canada. Memories still haunt her, but she says it gets easier with the passage of time.

When Darg learned about YPJ, he was intrigued, and was soon led to Bohman, who was “perfect” as a subject, he tells Yahoo Lifestyle. “Not only because of her insights from front-line experience, but also because she’d been documenting a lot of it with her own camera.”

Darg had merged his past as a humanitarian aid worker with his love of storytelling by cofounding Ryot with Bryn Mooser; this is the third film they’ve worked on with Wilde. Regarding this one, he says, “My big takeaway was a positive note, because I’d seen so much misery over there… but here you have young people willing to stand up and fight. So I’m very encouraged to know there are people like Hanna and like the locals, who are willing to put themselves in harm’s way.”

Wilde says she sees Bohman’s story as a crystallization of the many acts of political resistance on the part of women, from the Women’s March to the more recent #MeToo movement in response to sexual abuse in Hollywood.

“It’s like we’ve hit a breaking point, and what I find so fascinating is that Hanna now seems like the perfect… illustration of that,” Wilde says. “She’s a woman who decided she could no longer stand to sit at home in Canada and read about these stories in the news, and that she had to go put her body in danger in order to stand up for what’s right. In a certain sense, that seems to be what’s happening to a lot of women — to step out into dangerous situations, whether it’s ‘I’m going to come forward with my story of being raped,’ or ‘I’m going to come forward and run for office even though I’m terrified,’ or ‘I’m going to come forward and step into roles that are traditionally held for men.’ So I feel like there’s a groundswell.

“Even though the story is specific to a very intense, high-stakes, and unusual situation,” she adds, “as a kind of metaphor of what’s happening to women around the world, it feels really appropriate.”

Watch the full 27-minute film, “Fear Us Women,” above. 

Read more from Yahoo Lifestyle:

The American woman inking ‘forbidden’ tattoos in Northern Iraq

Teenage boy wrote essay on feminism — and nailed it

Only 1 in 3 women identify as feminists — despite ‘feminist’ beliefs

Follow us on Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter for nonstop inspiration delivered fresh to your feed, every day.

[sensitiveeeeee]

It’s odd to feel like someone else’s life is in your hands. There is a low chance of the worst happening, but the worst has happened before. The chance will never be low enough.

Judy is a tough veteran. She’s been with the agency for 15 years. I don’t know how she’s stayed after what happened. I don’t think I could. It’d give me PTSD, but maybe she’s so used to the PTSD from her time in the military that she can’t imagine her life without it. Or maybe she feels like she owes her life to this place or something, even though what happened was not her fault, of course. Or maybe she’s simply tougher and stronger than I am. She hasn’t shown a lot of emotion. But I dared to ask her what happened that night, years ago. I could see her visually recalling it.

“She had actually been acting silly that night, rolling the towels up and whipping people with them and laughing. She got so upset that we wouldn’t let her go home because of her behavior. We didn’t have a lot of backup. She ran out and got all the way to the bridge. She jumped to her death.”

I had so many questions, but we were interrupted. I cannot comprehend that, and I pray to God that I am never forced to. I don’t think I’m strong enough. So I am hyper-vigilant during crises, but I guess that’s what’s needed.

It’s been a couple hours since the last crisis I witnessed and took part in, but I can’t stop seeing the fire in this girl’s glazed-over eyes. I remained calm. This was not the worst of my battles here. Not worse than the black eye and not worse than being pinned to the ground. I feel numb to all this. People seemed surprised that I didn’t seem scared. And I truly wasn’t scared for myself this time. But my mind still won’t shut up.

I ran to the scene after hearing my radio go off. She was surrounded by therapists. I guess she’d had a tough session, and her fight/flight response was going off in her “trauma brain.” She decided to make a break for it, so I ran ahead of her, and she sped up as soon as I got in front of her and blocked the door. The alarm sounded for the first time that day.

I’ve always loathed any extra weight I’ve had, but in this moment I was more body-positive than ever, thanking God for every bountiful feast He’d ever given me. Those indulgent sins allowed me to use more weight than she had to my advantage and possibly save this girl from getting out and running into a car, or finding that damn bridge. Shit has gotten more real than I ever expected it to, but tragedy like that is when it becomes “too real” for me. That’s when I’ll have had enough, even though in some ways I’m a glutton for punishment. Not. On. My. Watch.

I pressed all of myself against that exit door, but this didn’t stop her from turning around and darting down the hall to the opposite exit. I flew past the others. I probably said something rude in my anxiety, like “come on guys.” They weren’t very used to these situations. Not the way that I was, a lowly floor staff member. They didn’t even have radios on them. They didn’t even know how to use the radios. But luckily, someone else met me at the other door and was blocking it, while others stayed put to block other exits. We danced around for a bit until she found the unlocked door to the multi-purpose-room, where she began banging on windows. The others tried all other kinds of verbal de-escalation tactics, some of which I internally cringed at, not that I really blamed them for trying. I just knew that she wasn’t in the space to listen to anything we were saying. Any rational part of her brain was off-line at this point, so she wasn’t going to process any lesson-teaching or insight-building.

At this time, all we could really do was wait until she wore herself out. At one point, she barricaded herself in a corner with chairs placed in front of her, which I was perfectly fine with. At least I knew she’d be safe that way. It appeared that she was calming down, but she was really just regaining her strength. She made her way to the door I was blocking. We struggled a lot. At this moment, the director knocked on the door. “Not now,” I said. I guess I could be ruder in moments of such stress. The girl made her way back over to the windows, and I cracked the door open. I told my boss where we were at in this. When I saw the girl eying the door again, I politely told my superior, “I’m gonna shut the door on you now.”

She came over and fought with me again. She never tried to hit me because I wasn’t trying to soothe her by touching her, as the therapist kept doing. She hit the therapist several times. The girl I knew would never hit anyone, but this wasn’t the girl I knew. In this time, that girl was gone.

This same therapist took it upon herself to “lead” us, this unlikely team of therapists, nurses, a case manager, and me. These were the people who happened to be around during the onset of the crisis, with the exception of me, who was summoned. She ordered us to open the door and escort this girl to the seclusion room. There were more team members waiting on the other side of the door, so I put my doubts aside. I really don’t have a leader personality, even though I seemed to have the most experience in that room. They probably wouldn’t have listened to me anyway, being the youngest and of a “lower” position. But I digress. We opened the door.

She made her way to the nearest exit and struggled with those who were waiting there, and I made my way to the opposite exit. But soon I saw her reflection through the glass door, running toward me before anyone could warn me. I turned around and took my blocking stance as I stood face to face with her, and the director joined me. Even though I tried my best, she was able to squeeze herself between me and the door. This door wasn’t the exit. It was a glass door in the hallway leading to the exit. Of course, in that moment, she had more leverage because the door opened out, not in. So all I could do was pull the handle with all my might as she pushed her adrenaline-filled, panicked body against it. The director told me to not hurt myself, probably fearful that something would happen to me again and I’d be angered with the agency. But again: Not. On. My. Watch.

The girl tried to pry my sweaty, slippery hands off the metal handle. I somehow managed to push the girl back and quickly let myself out, where I could push the glass door from the other side rather than have to pull. Now I had more leverage. So even though the door had no lock, no matter how many times this girl threw herself against this door, I was keeping it in place.

At this moment, Judy walked up the stairs and came behind me, looking at the scene, and I caught her gawking expression through the reflection of the glass. “Hey, Judy,” I calmly greeted without turning around as I remained leaning against the door which this girl was currently trying to break down. “Hey,” she said, and walked up to stand next to me. I think at this point the girl moved on to another place. Maybe it was this time that she shattered the window leading to the therapy offices. My colleague and I stood there watching as I remained guarding my post. We spoke without looking at one another. “She’s gone,” I said. “Oh yeah,” Judy said. “She should get tired here soon.” I really thought she would’ve already. We exchanged a few more words and Judy returned to her work with the other residents, and the CEO joined me. I think at this time, the girl ran back to where I was and made a running kick to my door, but it didn’t move. I still had the leverage. I think this was the last little battle I fought before the girl finally de-escalated at the sight of someone with higher power who could make changes to her case plan, which is what she was truly afraid for and was trying to fight/flight.

I’m not sure why this is the incident I took the time to recount. Maybe because this was long enough to be significant to me, but it was not too detailed and upsetting like other times I’ve had. I don’t know where my life is heading, but I know I won’t forget times like this, and I need to process them in some way. This helps me process so that I can do it again tomorrow if something arises. It is a very different feeling, when you feel like someone’s life could be riding on your physical strength. And my physical strength is very limited.

In my own childhood and adolescence, I had a very sheltered, privileged, simple life. Maybe my self-loathing is why I chose not to stay in that bubble. I didn’t feel like I deserved to be protected from things like this. I felt drawn to the darkness that so many of these teenagers run from. Maybe it’s because I felt that I needed a reason to be as sad as I felt when I was that age? And they have every reason to be. How fucked up is that? It makes me hate myself more.

I don’t know how to end this dramatic, angsty, possibly pretentious “essay” I’ve written. I’m exhausted. But I will wake up tomorrow and try again.