#and the only reason toni did is because martha does

[robinsteves]

leah is SO joyce coded!!! i think shelby would like nancy the most tho

leah’s anxieties, and her refusal to back down from them, are so aligned with joyce byers that it almost personally hurts my feelings— don’t forget how almost everyone doubts them. if anything, it’s like people go along with their theories out of pity (until eventually proven wrong, of course). I forget who on here described it as a “category 5 woman moment” but I now headcanon that faber has that exact phrase, verbatim, written down about 20 times in leah’s file

I feel like shelby would be the biggest stranger things enjoyer out of all the girls. I can’t decide if she’d be someone who generally watches a lot of tv, I’m leaning towards no, but I could eaaaaasily see, like, becca being someone who did, and so she picked it up from her as a recommendation. obviously she would like nancy, she’d definitely think shes super fucking cool, but I’m not sure who her overall favorite would be? shes probably closest to will on an emotional basis but, like I concluded with leah, that doesn’t mean he would be her favorite. I think the only one of the girls who would inarguably prioritize what character(s) they connect with the most in media is nora. maybe martha too? the rest would try to ignore their emotions and focus on who they find funny or cute instead because #repression. or they just truly would not give a fuck and only watch something to be entertained, which is kinda how I view fatin… wow I wish I was normal like that. anyway, it honestly wouldn’t surprise me if steve was shelby’s #1. I can hear her being like “hes so sweet now!!!!” lol. or el <3

[cannotescape]

thank you for asking for my thoughts, anon! I hope you're ready for the ride because I can't promise everything will make sense (just like the show itself tbf).

I don't really know how to answer this... My feelings aren't completely settled yet. Right after I finished, I think I was kinda relieved? I was fully prepared to hate the season but it wasn't the case, there were still plenty to love and I was glad to have my girls back. The more I think about it though... the more I'm thinking about how 10 times better this season would have been if the boys weren't there lmao. So yeah, I'm kinda perplexed with most of the choices made this season, and frustrated because gdi, it could have been so much better.

I. Negative points

The boys

Let's get this out of the way. I surprisingly didn't hate the boys or their scenes. But that never was the point, was it? What I feared was them reducing the girls' screentime and not adding anything to the story. Sadly, those fears were founded. I didn't hate the boys. I just found them boring and uninteresting, especially compared to the girls.

And yeah, you could argue that's the point the show is trying to make lol: uplifting the girls' story by... adding uninteresting boys... Doesn't sound like good writing to me but whatever.

Worst of all, I feel like the boys plot lines weren't uninteresting, but it would have felt 100% more engaging if the girls had them instead (minus the sexual assault part). The boys frankly didn't have time to get developped so I think it was a lose-lose situation anyway. Their struggles also paled in comparison to the girls.

2. Wasted opportunities

The girls' plot lines did suffer from the presence of the boys. Some characters were cruelly underused like Dot. Her only storylines this season was... her birthday, reading a book and learning to relax, and even that wasn't very well done.

Toni wasn't fully fleshed out in season 1 but I wasn't whining too much about it at the time, hoping to learn more about her in season 2. It obviously didn't happen. Her main narrative points revolve around her relationship with Shelby and being protective of Martha... The fact that she barely interacts with other girls is very telling imo. Her issues are completely side-lined. Yeah, her lack of worthiness is brought up, and immediately forgotten after Martha of all people gives her "words of encouragement". I have trouble thinking another girl couldn't have given her another perspective and that Martha didn't tell her this shit 10 times before. Also, wouldn't have it be nice if this lack of worthiness was the reason Shelby and Toni broke up? Instead of some far fetched reason?

The more it goes on, the more Toni doesn't seem to exist outside her relationship with Shelby and Martha. And this is made even more obvious by the fact that Shelby has had pretty good storylines this season. There's the confederate shit, of course, but there's also her faith, her party organizing skills, her escape rooms prowess, her guilt over Becca... So much good shit and the only thing we learn about Toni is that she likes weddings and steamy romance books lol.

Generally speaking, the girls cruelly lacked screentime to match the development they got in season 1. We had some meaningful conversations and I appreciated them but some narrative choices were pretty astounding to me. Season 1 was sometimes guilty of doing weird time jumps and of barely mentioning important events, like when Martha almost died in episode 6... Did they find the second med? No one was mad at Leah after that? huh okay. Well, season 2 does it even more often: Leah's attempt to her life only leads to her being monitored and even that was dropped pretty fast. We didn't see Shelby being triggered by this when... hello???? It's a big part of her trauma and we even learn that she also had suicidal thoughts at some point. Also, does Toni even know about Becca? Does Shelby know more about Toni's family situation??? Do the girls know about Rachel's eating disorder? God

The problem I see is that season 1 teased a lot of good stuff and season 2 barely delivered on those. Wasted opportunities again and again and again. Shelby feeling uneasy about being out and coming to term with it could have been a great thing to see. I could even have been a tension inducing plotline in the bunker: the girls having to hide Shelby and Toni's relationship to the interviewer and/or Shelby freaking out when she realized they have been observed all this time with their intimate moments being invaded/tainted. Instead we got Martha walking in on them and her interaction with Toni didn't feel satisfying. Also, no reaction from Dot whatsoever lol....

Another example: for almost two seasons, the show teased that Martha could be dead or seriously unwell and the only thing we get is a half-assed reunion between her and Toni like nothing happened, and it was only shown because Gretchen wanted to make a point during her ovary contest with Leah... Speaking of reunions lol...... I don't even know what to say about the bunker reunions despite: unsatisfying. The Leah/Shelby reunion in season 1 felt way more meaningful and potent than whatever we got.

Another disappointment: I wish the girls were working together to defeat Gretchen instead of Leah doing it solo. We were all speculating about the girls playing Gretchen and co. during their interviews and turns out only Leah and maybe Fatin hid things from them. What about the anaphalyctic shock? Wasn't it planned after all?

And the breakup.... As an angst connoisseur, I was really excited to see how they would tackle this. I wanted something truly painful. Sadly, the breakup wasn't earned imo. They teased it pretty well during the interviews in season 1. It seemed personal. It seemed like both Toni and Shelby hurt each other in the process. Or again, it could have just been them playing the interviewers and protecting Shelby's "secret". Instead of that, we got a... can we even call that a breakup scene? It lacked tension, it lacked real motive, it lacked character development (Toni and her abandonment issues??? helloooo????). I think it could have been done well if they had more time. But it was just rushed and out of place after all this fluff. Show me more disagreement and/or suspicion before the big breakup! Show me Shelby starting to act sketchy... Deliberately hiding things about the island...

But maybe this is gonna be a "light breakup", easily resolved with them quickly getting back together, before the big betrayal breakup. The wilds liked to deceive us like this in the past (see: the "wrong" conferate in season 1… who actually became the real operative in season 2).

3. The experiment

As an introduction, I've always thought that the experiment was the weakest part of the show (I even wrote a monster commentary about it) and season 2 proved me right.

This is kinda ironic because... this show sounds like it wants to be a plot driven show without realizing it is a character driven show. I was very doubtful of the addition of the boys from the start because it was sell as "a necessity for the plot" thing. It seems like it was just an excuse. Indeed, the experiment is BARELY mentionned in this season! Yes, we get a few lines about how Gretchen wants the boys to fail so hard and that they're actually ahead of the girls. We learn at the end that the boys actually failed? But it was never explained why? And seemed like it only came from things the confederate did anyway so... But whatever, it's not like the experiment made sense in the first place.

By making the boys and the girls together the "third control group", the show keeps demonstrating it knows nothing about sociology. But it also leads me to think that the great lesson of it all is gonna be "boys and girls need each other to create a perfect society" and please... This is not a sure thing, of course, but considering how the girls have directly been affected by patriarchy and shit, if this is the answer the show wants to offer, then... ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Also, I really don't want to see the boys and the girls interact. Absolutely not.

II. Positive points (I did say I enjoyed this season, didn't I?)

The thing is... the show excels when it goes back to its roots: mainly exploring young women's struggles and their interactions with each other. So pretty much all the girls' scenes were fucking delectable to watch. The writers continued to explore different duos or trios and it often works! A few favourite of mine this season were Rachel and Leah, and Fatin and Shelby (they play off each other surprisingly well).

MVP of this season was Rachel for me. What a fucking good character. I loved her in every fucking scene, god and her character arc was the best of all of the girls, imo. Seeing her mourn Nora was excruciating, especially in episode 1. Speaking of Nora, you could actually FEEL her absence in the group dynamic and that's a pretty fucking huge accomplishment. I don't only mean the few references to her we get here and there. In some of the group scenes, I actually caught myself looking around to see if she was there.

I'm personally very happy she's alive. It doesn't make Rachel's mourning fruitless but... I guess it could become a little frustrating down the line. We'll see. Not a fan of the reveal though.... Why do it in the middle of the season with 0 mention of her during the rest of it? huh

Random things that I liked:

I loved seeing Shelby and Toni happy together. I would have liked the show to be more tentative and cautious about it but I'm nitpicking.

Fatin and Shelby figuring the whole thing out.

the music is still a yes, although it didn't hit as much as in season 1. I was so excited when I heard the first few notes of "Vois sur ton chemin" though. Nostalgia! And really fucking unexpected

Humour! We had some pretty fantastic one liners from Fatin, Shelby continuing to be hilarious, Leah putting her hand on Fatin's head and saying "with love", the music stopping after Leah blows the flower at Toni, Gretchen jolting when Henri started singing… many laughing out loud moments this season.

Questions:

Is Shelby the new operative? I know it's heavily implied but... you never know with this show. Also, when did she become the operative? She was probably turned after her anaphylactic shock, but - and I know it's a stretch - there's a possibility she was in on it since the beginning. I don't think she's another double agent though and that she's playing Gretchen. It would feel cheap after Leah's storyline this season.

Nora??? Hello???? What is gonna happen with her? Is Leah gonna tell Rachel that her sister is alive?

Fatin, Shelby and Leah have to share with the others what they know, right?

Why did Shelby shave her head?

Shelby doesn't limp anymore? How long did they stay in the bunker? Do Gretchen ever plan on sending them back to their parents?

What did Josh tell Gretchen that made her so happy?

Which french song is Sarah Streicher gonna choose next season?

Will Toni get a real character arc in season 3?

Are Leah and Fatin gonna smooch?

Now, tell me YOUR thoughts, anon! Do you share any of what I said or was it just complete nonsense?

[bubbleteaimagines]

age gap

tony stark oneshot

tony x you

swearing, large age gap

in this day and age it shouldn’t have been that big of a deal.

but it was.

y/n l/n and tony stark became trending worldwide, every gossip magazine and newspaper out for whatever information they could get about your relationship.

the relationship by the way, that had a 28 year age gap.

you were 20 and tony was turning 48, though it seemed neither of you cared as much as the world did.

you thought it was perfectly normal, seeing as your parents were years apart and tony simply didn’t give a damn.

‘screw the tabloids’ he always said, but sometimes it wasn’t that easy.

at home, you were able to relax with the idea of your age gap as it was just the two of you being y/n and tony.

but out in public, it was an entirely different deal.

whispers, stares, pictures. you name it and people did it, not even caring or respecting your private time with tony when you went out.

you didn’t expect for it to bother you as much as it did. you thought that maybe with tony by your side you could block out the whispers and the hateful stares but it was nearly impossible as it happened almost everywhere you went.

even if you went grocery shopping for god’s sake, someone still had something negative to say.

of course, tony defended you as much as he could. he tried to shield you from the hateful words and articles but sometimes he wasn’t enough.

sometimes, it did get to you and soon you realized you didn’t know how much more you could take.

you loved tony, but after being constantly called a gold digger and his sugar baby, you began to doubt yourself, and your relationship.

were you really as manipulative as the papers said? were you really just with tony for his money?

of course not. deep down you knew that with or without money you loved tony stark. and he loved you, but it didn’t help that he also loved to spoil you and he was paying almost all of your college tuition.

even though you insisted he didn’t, he did anyways. he reassured you after countless protest that that was just something he did; he took care of everyone he loved.

eventually you were forced to settle with the idea. but it never stopped the running thoughts in your head.

am i really that bad as everyone says?

it was during a christmas party that tony was holding that you finally snapped.

tony had gone all out; getting the most expensive decorations and inviting all of the richest people he knew.

and of course, since it was tony, he also got the best alcohol money could buy, and unfortunately you weren’t allowed to drink a single drop.

all night, you had stood awkwardly by tony’s side in your pretty red dress, holding a cup full of water and laughing uncomfortably as you were forced to listen to drunk rich people tell unamusing stories.

by now, the music was blasting, night had fallen, and you were pretty sure you were only one not drunk at the party, minus tony and steve.

the elegant cup that you pretended to drink from held nothing expect for water and it was only another painful reminder that you were probably the youngest one at the party.

out of respect, tony decided he wasn’t going to drink either but that did nothing to ease you. If anything, you wished that he had been drinking so that he wouldn’t remember the embarrassing conversation you were having with some of the housewives he invited.

“so, y/n, tell me,” a woman name martha kalnins gushed as she sat on one of tony’s luxurious couches, obviously drunk from one of the many glasses of wine she had had. “Is Tony really as amazing in bed as everyone says he is?”

a round of laugher from the other housewives around you made you shift uncomfortably, thankful the dark room didn’t show the frown radiating off of you.

“uh… i uh,” you sounded like a child, struggling to answer her question and you laughed uncomfortably as to not show how disturbed you really were. you shared a look with tony.

“i mean … h-he’s great at everything, honestly. it’s tony stark we’re talking about,” you answered unsurely, and tony squeezed your thigh as the women laughed again.

“oh, i guess you’re right,” martha slurred and took another drink. “that tony is a catch. hell, if i had been twenty years younger like you i would’ve snatched him up, too. with that tight little body of yours it’s no wonder he’s so eager to pay your bills.”

another round of laughter and you could feel tony beginning to tense up beside you. now, it was your turn to squeeze his leg and you turned back to the women with a tight smile.

“oh, tony doesn’t pay my bills,” you tried to assure them but they waved it off.

“oh nonsense. why else would you be with a man that’s almost 50?” another woman asked you and you threw her a sharp glare.

you were starting to heat up, not appreciating their little jabs at your relationship.

“why am i with him?” you pulled out your cold tone and scoffed at her. “i don’t know— maybe because i love him?” you said a little angrily.

how dare they insinuate anything else than the truth: you loved tony and you didn’t give a damn about his age.

the woman snorted. “yeah. that’s what i told myself when i first met howie,” she threw a glance to an older man in the corner. “sure does make the sex a lot easier when you think you love them.”

you couldn’t stop your blood from boiling.

“how dare you!”

in an instant, you were up and out of your seat, the woman’s smile long gone as you angrily got in her face.

“y/n!” tony tried to stop you but you were sick of it. you were sick of it all; the jokes, the jabs, the little comments that nobody had any business making on your relationship.

you were done.

“how dare you talk about my relationship like that when you know nothing about us!” you fumed and suddenly you had everyone’s attention.

“who are you come into our house and as our guest disrespect us? you don’t know a thing about tony and i. not a single damn thing. you don’t know about all of the late nights we have, all of the laughs we share and all of the movies we watch. you don’t know about all the things we have in common besides sex and you damn well don’t know anything about me! you don’t, because if you did then you’d know i’m not with him for the money, or the fame, or whatever else you think is associated with tony stark. i’m not here for any of that. i’m here for him, so why don’t you get your head out of your ass and realize that just because you spread your legs for money, that doesn’t mean the rest of us do!”

by the time you finished you were panting and everyone was in complete shock. it was silent, and the woman in front of you looked as if she didn’t know what the hell to do.

no one did as you stood with your chest moving heavily, your well deserved rant coming off of your consciousness.

you huffed.

“well then. seeing as i’m only 20, i guess it’s past my bedtime,” you rolled your eyes and looked at the clock, noticing it was 1AM.

“i’ll see you all … whenever. goodnight.”

you did a dramatic turn and then proceeded to exit tony stark style. leaving a big commotion behind you and no doubt people that would spread your words everywhere the next morning.

that would be another problem you would have to worry about, but right now you focused on just sleeping the entire night away.

sighing, you changed out of your dress into some shorts and swiftly got under the covers.

you closed your eyes, and you tried to let sleep come to you but it was almost impossible as you were painfully aware the spot next to you was empty.

tony hadn’t come to bed yet and it was like your body refused to let you rest until he did.

sighing again, you peeled your eyes open again and decided to stare up at the blank ceiling, waiting for tony to come to bed.

when he finally did, it was around 3AM in the morning but even the dark you could see his shit-eating grin.

“well, that was quite the performance tonight, miss l/n,” tony teased almost immediately and you groaned.

“sorry if i ruined your party,” you apologized to tony and buried your face in a pillow. “i just got so mad that people kept insinuating i was only with you for that that i just … i just snapped.” you explained.

tony was still grinning and you felt the bed dip as he gently slid in beside you.

“don’t worry about it. i’d say that was more entertaining than mrs. mccoy getting so drunk she admitted she was cheating with garden boy,” tony laughed and you snorted.

“great. i was the biggest scandal of the night,” you sighed.

“biggest one of the century, actually. how long do you think it’s gonna take for people to start talking about it?”

“i’d say it’ll make an appearance in the morning. some magazine talking about how tony stark’s sugar baby finally blew her fuse,” you yawned and tony chuckled.

“yeah well, at lease i don’t have to worry about if it’s true now.”

“worry if what’s true?”

“that you love me,” he said quietly.

you peered up at him in the dark.

“tony? what? of course i love you,” you frowned. you felt the pillow shift as tony shook his head.

“no, yeah, i know,” he said. “but now i don’t have to worry about if it’s tony stark you’re attracted to, or iron man.”

“clearly i wouldn’t be attracted to a piece of metal, tony,” you both rolled your eyes simultaneously.

“yeah, no shit,” tony sighed. “but i mean like— i don’t have to worry about which personality you’re attracted to. now i know for sure that it’s me that you want, and not just my name. or my fortune.”

“well, technically both are still up from grabs,” you smirked in the dark. “haven’t signed a pre-nup yet.”

“oh but you definitely will now,” tony scoffed, but there was humor behind both of your words.

you both found comfort in knowing that you only wanted each other, and not for the reasons everyone else thought.

you weren’t with tony for the money. and he wasn’t with you for the sex.

you both genuinely and honestly loved each other, and now you knew that no ridiculous tabloid or paper was ever gonna make you doubt that again.

[jojo-sain]

Have you ever wondered how much the girls know about each other?

I was just thinking how crazy it is how much we know about each girl’s backstory, but at the same time, how much do they know?

Like no one knew Rachel was actually cut until episode 7. And Shelby didn’t really know about Dot’s dad until episode 3, and she doesn’t even really know what Dot had to do.

And how does that influence everyone else’s POV?

Like we know all about how Dot has had to deal with heavy responsibility her whole life, but do the others fully comprehend her exaustion when she taps out?

Some can figure Martha’s uncomfortable from killing the goat, but maybe only Toni knows the reason why her fantasy world of positivity only exists in the first place.

We see a parallel between Toni busting Regan’s car and Toni tearing down the fort, but everyone else just sees the fort part (except maybe Martha).

No one knows a damn thing about Nora, even Rachel doesn’t know the whole story.

Do they know Leah was in a car accident? Do they know Rachel was hospitalized?

And don’t even get me started on Shelby because her episode is what made me think this. To us, we were watching her past catch up to her, but no one on the island saw the flashabcks like we did. Everyone was pumped to go home and here’s Shelby, falling apart at the seems.

(And dont think about how since Toni doesnt know Shelby’s history, she might assume that she caused Shelby’s collaps in her previously declared destructive habits, but i dont wanna cry so imma not think of that)

Of course it’s not necessary for them to share their whole lives together, but it does interest me to wonder how their actions are interpreted from the view of someone who didn’t get the same insight we do.

[ashdumpsterpile]

I know you talk abou st*cky in the interracial ships stuff, but can we talk about st*ny? Iron husbands is literally right there, but I also always sees Rhodey as Tonys moral support only. And ik Tony is very shippable with most characters, but the fact his ship is Rhodey is one of the lowest ships in ao3 (ironstrange, winteriron and god forbid stark*r all had more fics in ao3).. It's pretty telling this side also has racism problems...

I'll go ahead and answer this here, but letting y'all know that I do have a marvel sideblog if you want to hit me up there (@themarvelarchives).

Hey, I'm going to ramble for a good minute.

So after I posted my very incoherent, controversial take on St*cky vs SamBucky, there were a ton of ppl who came onto anon saying that St*cky shippers were racist. I think I only answered a few, but y'all were pretty insistent on it. I personally have not observed that St*cky shippers are so I'm not calling anyone out on that side of the fandom for that.

I also did not call out anyone on this side of the fandom bc that's not what my meta was about. I think I mentioned maybe once or twice in the whole post that there was underlying racist in the fandom, but since you asked, we can talk about it here.

Covert Bigotry In Fandom Spaces.

To understand what's going on in the MCU, we have to first look at what I call "woke-queer" fandom.

So "Woke-Queer" Spaces is the phenomenon where certain fandom members like to call ppl out on their bigotry, while covertly harboring their own queerphobia/racism/etc. An example of this that we're all familiar with is TERFS and how they like to claim that they are progressive and woke, while also claiming that trans women are fake and trans men are sexist.

How this translates to fandom, however, is the hypocrisy that is cancellation and callout culture.

For example, Supernatural in particular is a fandom that likes to call out the writers on their homophobia and racism, and yet, somehow, the fandom is chalk full of homophobia and racism. If you want to read more about this, here is a truly excellent article from the perspective of a queer woman of color.

Moving on, I've also talked in a previous meta post, on the internalized acephobia that exploded in 2019 after Good Omens was released. Rather than reiterate everything I said in that post, I'll just leave it at this: the controversy in the Good Omens fandom can be summed up by the fact that queer audiences are claiming that Ineffable Husbands is the wrong kind of queer. The hypocrisy oozes off the screen, doesn't it?

A final way this viably translates to fandom, is in how the Doctor Who fandom evolved over time.

So Steven Moffat takes over as head writer and showrunner in 2010. It's a new series, a new Doctor, a new Tardis, and new branding. He steps up the action, changes the color grating, and raises the stakes. Women are sexier, the Doctor is smarter (and more of an asshole, but that's another meta post), and every companion comes with their own impossible mystery that makes them Special™.

Series 5-10 got tons of woke points for having lesbian characters, an episode where the Doctor is homoerotic with James Corden, and an underlying trans narrative with the Master's reincarnation. What a lot of people forget, however, is that his series was incredibly sexiest, incredibly lesbian/biphobic, and basically turned the Doctor into everyone's fantasy sex-object.

This, unfortunately, brought out the worst of the fandom. There was RTD Era vs Moffat Era wars exploding in certain corners, TenxRose shippers vs ElevenxRiver shippers.

What does this have to do with covert racism in fandom cultures though?

Hnnngng ok, so back in RTD era's we get Martha Jones, the Actual Best Companion On The Entire Show. Except for the fact, of course, that she is written to be in love with the doctor. She's a brilliant character--smart, sassy, flawed, funny, flirtatious--and her entire plotline is reduced down to a school-girl crush on a white man.

She doesn't do well with fans, they scrap her after one season.

We move on to Donna Noble (The Other Actual Best Companion On The Entire Show) and RTD's era ends with them scraping her too and regenerating David Tennant's Doctor.

It will be five more series (not seasons, SERIES) until Doctor Who will have another black companion--who gets extra points for being gay--only to fall victim to "bury your gays" at the end of the season (but not really bc no one stays dead on Doctor Who).

The fandom's reception of Martha Jones was historically bad. The comparisons to her predecessor, Rose Tyler, were rampant and everyone was finding a reason to hate her.

The fandom's reception to Bill Potts was also historically bad, as everyone was screaming that she was being written for more "woke points" and that they wanted Clara back.

Fandom has a historically bad reputation of being problematic and, I would argue, the majority of it has to do with these toxic undertones of bigotry that slip under the radar. "Woke-queer" spaces, as I call them, are these instances above where spaces that claim to be inclusive of gender/orientation/race are covertly bigoted.

Marvel and Cancelling

Now is an excellent time to talk about the MCU.

Anthony Mackie (Sam Wilson) has recently come under a lot of criticism from fandom members for shutting down shipper speculation.

"The idea of two guys being friends and loving each other in 2021 is a problem because of the exploitation of homosexuality. [...] something as pure and beautiful as homosexuality has been exploited by people who are trying to rationalize themselves."

I can't find the rest of the quote, but Mackie goes on further to say that it was important to him to portray "a sensitive, masculine figure" without insinuating that there was romance involved.

Woke culture lost it's shit. Everyone was suddenly claiming that Mackie was calling them exploitative for shipping a gay ship as a queer audience, which could not have been further from the case.

Mackie actually makes some very excellent points in that sensitivity is not gay/queer. Woke culture loves to rag on Toxic Masculinity, but the minute someone plays a character who is loving and sensitive with no queer narrative in mind, they are immediately canceled.

What Am I On About

Okay, let's actually address what your ask was about, Nonnie. You pointed out--rather truthfully--that it is unfair to call-out racism on one side of the fandom, while ignoring it on the other side.

Well, I've gone back through my St*cky vs. SamBucky analysis (which is incoherent at best, I apologize for that) and I see maybe once instance where I called out fandom members for being racist. Here's what I had to say about racism:

"[...] Iron Husbands is a rarepair, probably because it’s an interracial ship."

"[there is] nothing wrong with shipping two white men, but it does become a problem when you ignore/bash POC/interracial ships to the determinant of your own white ship."

And then there was the post you brought up where I addressed interracial ships in the fandom. That one is probably more relevant to this topic, to be honest, as I actually addressed fandom racism there. I assume that your reason for bringing up Stony is because it's a ship that is more relevant to my side of the fandom, HOWEVER, the reason I highlighted Stucky instead was because I was comparing the fact that they've both been around the same amount of time and are relationships that feature the protagonist and their best friend.

You brought up St*ny in the ask, however, so I'm going to talk about St*ny for a minute.

As someone who never has nor will ship St*ny, it never even occurred to me that some of the problem behind the Iron Husbands tag being so small is because everyone ships the white, boring ship. You brought up a very valid point, but because I was never in that part of the fandom, I can't really speak to any possible underlying racism there, besides what I've already said above.

I would be interested in hearing a St*ony shipper or ex-St*ony shippers thought on this, but sadly I don't know any. If you have any more thoughts regarding this, Nonnie, pls drop back into my inbox.

You do make some excellent points in this ask though, and I would like to talk about racism on my side of the fandom.

So back to Mackie and his Twitter cancellation. Notice that Disney made him address the rumors and not his co-star, Sebastian Stan. Anthony Mackie is put on blast and made to answer fan demands and receives backlash, while Sebastian Stan gets to fly under the rader. This is not, by the way, a criticism of Stan, but instead of the blatant racism Disney has been displaying over the past few years.

How this ties in with the rest of my post has to do with my "woke-queer" spaces bit. The outcry across the MCU fandom over Mackie was swift and unforgiving. He was cancelled on charges of homophobia and bigotry--all the while these same fans turn a blind eye to any queer interpretation of other interracial ships and discourse in their own fandom.

The racism that I'm speaking about, of course, is an almost passive racism. Of course if you don't ship a specific ship for reasons other than their race, it's perfectly fine. It's okay not to ship Iron Husbands or SamBucky or any other interracial fandom ships. However, the distinct lack of shippers in the fandom IS telling because there are people who would ship that exact ship if not for the fact that one of men is black.

I don't have much more to say about this except to thank you for bringing it up and for listening to my long rambling post.

(Feel free to bug me about Tony Stark, MCU ships, MCU Meta and anything you want to talk me about on this blog and @themarvelarchives.)

[iamkidfish]

Why Shelby’s teeth works so well as a metaphor for her sexuality

I know this has been talked about a lot but I got sent an ask that made me have a Shelby breakdown so I just thought I’d add my two cents :’)

It’s pretty clear Shelby’s sexuality is linked with her teeth. She says that her flipper is something that holds back all this “ugliness”-referencing the expectations of her life, her internalized homophobia from her father, and the guilt she feels over Becca’s death. That’s a lot of emotional weight packed into a tiny little piece of plastic, but it makes sense.

1. Expectations/Performance: Very quickly into Shelby’s episode, we see how ‘fake’ she really is. (By fake, I mean conforming to the expectations her family and life has provided to her as a means of self-preservation and survival) The pageants, the boyfriend, her teeth are all ‘given’ to her as things she is expected to perform under or with but Shelby’s compliance is a double edged sword: it allows her a safety net (to play a ‘role’ in her family/community but still have these feelings for her best friend) but it’s also the rope that’s constricting her

Does Shelby even like pageants? We know she’s good at them but why did she start competing in the first place? Was it Dave, who saw some early signs of Shelby liking girls and forced her to participate in one of the most gendered things in existence? Or does Shelby put herself into that environment willingly, knowing how she feels about Becca (or girls in general) as a way to shove down her feelings?

We know Shelby is perceptive of these expectations because she lays them all out in her argument with Toni in episode: “I’m not just talking about pageant stuff”. The first time Shelby kisses Becca she’s in a pageant dress (another thing symbolizing her expectations); the first time she kisses Toni, they’re literally talking about expectations in Shelby’s life-”You’re free here Shelby, On an island a million miles away from whatever bullshit expectations and if you’re not taking advantage of that, I don’t know what the fuck to tell you”. Also important: both of these scenes/kisses have a fallout; the first being the marker on Shelby’s dress (and her father noticing the mark and the kiss) and then Shelby literally running away from Toni in the second scene (and running back to expectations/role she’s known her whole life).

It’s also important to note: Shelby’s line to Martha in the pilot “I do family, I do jesus, I do pageants.” those are the three things that are actually harming her/forcing her into these boxes. 

2. Dave Goodkind and internalized homophobia: Oh Dave...nothing like giving your kid years of trauma

Jokes aside, this is the most obvious connection between Shelby’s flipper and her sexuality. It’s mentioned in the show that Shelby first gets her fake teeth when she’s 11 and that’s a long time for her to link all of her insecurities and doubts and negative self-image to her retainer. I’m not completely sure but I think it can be easily interpreted that’s when Shelby realized she liked girls (or at least Becca)

Remember, Dave tells Shelby “God only does beautiful” after her parents initially say no to getting the permanent implants and I’m willing to bet that’s something he started to tell her when she first realized she needed the implants at 11.

It’s only until after Dave catches her kissing Becca that he starts to talk about “fixing” things

(Another important note: the scene where Shelby confronts her father about the kiss, he’s on the treadmill and in the very first scene we see of Shelby’s flashback, Dave is leading the cycling class. Exercise is another motif that is present during Shelby’s episode that relates back to the idea of image/appearance/expectations)

Dave tells Shelby “I still pray for everyone even if they don’t deserve it, even if they can’t be saved” and this is the first moment where it all crashes down. This is when his narrative changes and he changes what he’s telling Shelby to fit the narrative he has constructed.

So he decides to attack Shelby at her most vulnerable: the night she wins the pageant competition which, subsequently, is also the night she finds out that Becca has died. I’ve decided there is no way that Shelby’s parents (at least Dave) don’t know about Becca’s death. Other than the fact that they’re living in a small, conservative, religious Texas town, Shelby’s mom mentions Becca’s ‘mental health problems’, making it clear the news got out into the community, even if Becca’s parents tried to keep it under wraps.

Dave only mentions the possibility of Shelby getting permanents after the pageant competition, when he knows that Becca is dead, which is interesting to me. Obviously there could have been other times he mentioned it, but the writers’ specifically chose to include it in that scene, emphasizing the metaphor of Shelby’s sexuality being linked to her teeth. Dave is telling her “look, Becca’s death is your fault, the relationship that has been broken to the most extreme, these things are fixable. and you will be fixed.”

Again the metaphor is basically confirmed with the order of scenes in Shelby’s episode. Dave continues to push Shelby into getting the permanents, even after Shelby’s mother looks shocked and protests, saying “if it can be fixed, the pain is worth it”. I think in the very next interview scene Shelby tells Faber and Young that she had “very different plans” for the summer and she also has her flipper still (and it’s still cracked), signifying Dave’s plan for her conversion didn’t work. Assuming that’s how Gretchen marketed it to him for him to agree to send her.

I know there are also some theories around saying that Dave is also gay but went through some kind of conversion therapy, from the way he talks to Shelby, and with all the metaphor about the teeth being genetic-I couldn’t find the post but thought that was interesting to add. 

3. Guilt about Becca’s death

Oops this is getting long so I’ll make this short. 

But Shelby tells everyone that know one else knows about her flipper, except in the flashback scene where Shelby kisses Becca, Dave invites her to stay for dinner. Obviously this had a double meaning, but what’s important is that it’s casual and feels authentic, like it’s been happening for a long time. And why shouldn’t it, Becca and Shelby have been friends for years, of course Becca is going to eat dinner with Shelby’s family. So she has also seen Shelby’s flipper/knows about her teeth. 

There’s a lot to be said about the parallels of Toni and Becca both telling Shelby that they “see” her in someway but for me, the most important part is after Leah accuses Shelby of being the spy in ep 7. Both Toni and Becca, the only two people who Shelby has confided in her feelings with/kissed and know about her teeth, say that “see” her. 

Shelby tells Toni, it’s “just another reason to hate me, not that you need any more” connecting back to the conversation she had with Becca on the porch, and you realize that, through the connection, Shelby fully blames herself for Becca’s death and feels as if Becca hates her, because, she believes, Toni does too.

[laurie-stark]

Bags

(not my gif)

Summary: After another duffle bag of supplies washes up on shore, the girls realize that they’re going to be stuck here for a while. Episode six rewrite. 3.0k words. 

Pairings: Toni Shalifoe x fem!reader 

Warnings: Swearing, throwing up

A/N: Okay listen I just wanted Toni fanfic but no one was writing it so here you go. Also I really tried too hard to get the bed sharing trope LEAVE ME ALONE I LIKE IT PSLFDLJ (this is your reminder to turn on Interactivefics xx) oh and also theres a bit in here thats heavily inspired by @ drewstarkeys Toni fic which you all should go read asap its amazing. 

This was weird. It was really fucking weird. It had only been four days since we found Jannette’s grave empty. Four days since we found a clean water source. The longer we stayed on this god forsaken island, the more it felt like we were never getting off. And now another round of duffle bags have shown up. You know, as crazy as I think she is sometimes, Leah’s starting to have a point. Something is way off about this place. 

Nora and Rachel were the ones who spotted the bags. They washed up on the rocky side of the beach, covered in weeds. Dot was hoping for some more food, maybe more medicine if we were lucky. But to all our confusion, all the bags contained were blankets and pillows. Ten pillows and five blankets, Dot so cheerfully announced. My first red flag was that the insides were completely dry. I didn’t want to say anything though. I was sure there was a reason for this.

“There’s enough shit here for us to double up,” Dot told us while Nora and I laid out the makeshift beds. “Except for one person who gets to sleep alone.” 

“Well that’s not fair, why does one person get a bed all to herself?” Rachel asked, standing up defensively. 

I rose to my feet as well. “Why don’t we rotate it?” I suggested, hoping to relieve some of the tension. “W-with our off days. That way whoever’s off can have an extra good night’s sleep before they have to work again?” The girls all nodded their heads and mumbled words of agreement. Rachel sat back down on her log. 

“Great idea y/n. So who’s bunking with who?” Dot asked. Rachel and Nora instinctively reached out for each other. Beside me, Toni looked to Martha. Martha gave Toni a weary look before reaching a hand out in the opposite direction. Towards Shelby. Even I had to stop myself from dropping my jaw. 

Fatin gleefully agreed to pair with her “new bestie for the restie,” Dot. That left myself, Toni and Leah. I glanced between them. Leah was avoiding my eye and Toni...Toni just looked mad. It’s not that I don’t like Leah, I just don’t know her. Not that I know Toni any better, but at least Toni hasn’t gone batshit crazy more than once. On the other hand though, I didn’t find Leah unbelievably beautiful the way I did with Toni. And Toni would never want to bunk with me anyway. I crossed my arms, not doing a very good job at hiding my uncomfortableness. I was about to open my mouth to ask Leah to share when Toni called my name. 

“Y/n,” I turned to face her, eyes wide. “You’re with me?” I nod and swallow hard. Fuck. 

The sun was getting lower and lower in the sky, just like our food supply. Rachel offered to go foraging for something meatier in the morning, so at least I could look forward to that.

I shuffled under the blanket Toni and I shared. “Sorry you got stuck with me,” I whispered. “I can go sleep with Shelby if you want, so you can be with Marty?” 

“Nah,” Toni shook her head. “I don’t mind. Besides, I don’t really think Marty wants anything to do with me right now.” I didn’t know what to say. I felt bad for her. A lifetime’s worth of friendship thrown out of the plane. Literally. 

I wondered if anyone else was awake. The light from the fire was enough to see everyone’s feet but that’s about it. I still wasn’t accustomed to how dark it got at night. I was limited to just my hearing after the sun went down. I would try not to listen though. The more you listen, the more you realized how we definitely were not alone out there. Focusing on Toni’s breathing beside me was enough to keep me sane.

Couldn’t say the same for Leah though. She sat straight up and I thought she got bit by a crab or something. 

“Does anyone else think that this is crazy?” She asked us.

Fatin groaned. “Leah, we got into a plane crash. Is that not enough crazy for you?” 

“No seriously Fatin, what the fuck is going on?”

“What are you talking about,” Dot sat up. 

“I mean these,” Leah held up a fist full of her blanket. “Where did they come from? Do none of you think that something’s up?” 

I pushed myself upright. “I’m starting to agree with Leah.”

“Oh God, not you too,” Dot flopped back down onto her back. 

“No, think about it,” I started. “A bag with medicine just happens to show up? And then we find Jannette’s grave empty!? And now these duffles appear with nine peoples worth of blankets and shit? Who brings that to a resort retreat? That’s weird. It’s really fucking weird.” Everyone was sitting up at this point, staring at me. “I didn’t say anything when we opened them, but these things were dry. Everything bone dry. Rachel and Nora found the bags on the shore, like they were washed up. They should have been soaking. Hell, they should have sunk!” I took a shaky breath in. “Every day we stay here the more it feels like we’re not leaving. It’s like someone wants us to stay here. I know I sound crazy but come on!”

“Y/n...” 

“We don’t even remember the crash!”

“We all blacked out.”

“That’s not how plane crashes work though!” I realized how loud I had gotten. I noticed how Nora was sitting, hugging her knees tight. Shelby’s face was pale, even in the orange glow from the fire. I closed my eyes. “This isn’t my first crash.” I kept my eyes shut. I didn’t need to see their faces while I told this story. “I got into another one like eight or nine years ago. The engines broke and we crashed in a forest somewhere near Chicago. And I remember it all. I remember the engines failing, and the plane falling and the back coming off when we hit the trees. I didn’t black out until I was on the ground. So yeah, I think something is fucking off. This isn’t right, none of this is right! We shouldn’t be here, we shouldn’t-” 

I started to choke on my own words. I think I was starting to throw myself into a frenzy. Something grabbed at my hand. It was Toni. She looked me in the eyes. There was something in her gaze that told me I was safe. Told me to calm down.

“Okay,” Dot said slowly. “I think we’re all starting to lose it a little bit Y/n. And no sleep isn’t gonna help. Let’s all try to get some shut eye, yeah?”

I nodded profusely and flipped onto my side, embarrassed now from that outburst. I guess I didn’t realize how far off the rails I’d been slipping. Silently, I started to cry.

I tried to stay as far away from Toni as possible. With my back to her, I figured that my crying could be somewhat camouflaged. I was very wrong.

“Hey,” Toni murmured. When I didn’t respond, she tugged on my shoulder to roll me over. I quickly wiped the tears off my cheeks. I couldn’t look at her directly. Her gaze softened. I realized then how close we were. Even in pitch darkness, I could still make out the outline of her face, her cheeks, her nose, her lips- I prayed she couldn’t hear how loud my heart was thumping. Toni reached a hand out and brushed another tear away. Had I started crying again? Jesus I was so far gone. “I know how you feel. I wanna get out of here too.’ I said nothing.

Toni moved to create some more space and put her arm out. I looked at her, questioning, though I doubt she could see my face. “Come here,” she said quietly. “I heard what you told us yesterday, about what your mom says? Sometimes you just need a hug.” I nearly started crying again right there. Slowly, I squirmed closer until my body was curled into hers. I smiled inwards. Besides the fact that my heart was trying to beat right out of my chest, I felt better. We both drifted off soon after.

 I woke up to the sun shining way too bright and the sound of…snickering? I opened my eyes and tried not to get totally blinded by the light. I looked up to see Nora, Fatin and Dot standing over me, all chuckling.

“What?” I mumbled. I must have woken Toni up because she started moving underneath me.

Oh.

That’s why they were laughing.

I had fallen asleep curled into Toni’s side and woken up completely entangled with her. It wasn’t a one-sided thing either, she was holding on to me for dear life. What. The. fuck. I jolted upright, maybe a little too fast because the three girls around us started to laugh more.

“Good morning love birds,” Fatin cooed.

“Shut up,” Toni said, using a hand to shield her eyes. “We were conserving heat.”

“Yeah, what she said,” I smiled. “Is it breakfast already?”

“Not quite,” Dot shrugged. “Martha and Shelby are still getting some berries and shit.”

“Oh well in that case I’m going back to bed,” Toni grunted, rolling over. Her and I were on water duty today, so technically we had no need to be up before breakfast anyway. Dot and the girls made their way back to the fire. I was half awake though. Might as well start the day early too. Except that Toni seemed to have other plans.

Before I had the chance to get up Toni was tugging at my arm, silently asking me to come lay down. I gave in immediately. “Come keep me warm,” she mumbled. And so I did. As I laid my head down onto her chest, I noticed Shelby looking at us. She turned away when she met my gaze, but there was something behind her eyes. Disgust. Great, just what we needed. Stranded in the middle of nowhere with a fucking homophobe.

“Do you think Shelby is homophobic,” I asked lowly.

“I dunno, maybe? Why?”

“No reason, I just….That would be pretty awkward if she was.”

“Yeah…”

 Nora woke me up a second time that day for breakfast. We ate in silence like we had done for the last few days. Food was running short and we were getting antsy. Toni and I broke away from the group after we ate with half of Fatin’s luggage bag. We trekked up and through the forest towards the waterfall. Neither of us said a word the whole trip. I was starting to overthink. Like, heavily overthink. In normal circumstances, overthinking might be appropriate. The night before was…not normal. But these were not ordinary circumstances. The middle of nowhere is probably the best place to have not normal and still be fine. Whatever. Right? Was it weird? Does she think I’m some weird crybaby now? Was that just a pity hug? Am I going absolutely crazy for no reason?

I’d gotten so wrapped up in my thoughts, I didn’t even notice we’d arrived back at camp. As Toni and I got to work, filling bottles to boil, Rachel was shouting from the top of a cliff. She was holding up a sack of something, I couldn’t quite make it out.

“Who’s ready to fucking feast?”

Mussels. Rachel found mussels. Now, I’d never been one for survival training but the one thing I knew was that seafood was a no.

“I really don’t mean to be a bubble burster, it’s just that seafood can be really dangerous,” I explained. Rachel looked like she wanted to take my head off. “And we do not have the vicinities to properly prepare these.”

“So what, you’re saying I’m trying to poison all of us?” Rachel challenged.

“No! No, no, not at all Rach. This was a great find, you did good.” I smiled wearily. “All I’m saying is that maybe someone should sit this one out, you know? Just in case. If we’re all sick then we’ve got no chance.”

“Great then who’s gonna be the starving one?”

“I don’t mind. I got berries.”

 Turns out Shelby wouldn’t eat either. An allergy, I think she said. It felt good to see everyone this happy. Leah was genuinely smiling, Dot seemed a little less stressed. For a second it felt like we were actually on the retreat we were supposed to be on. Toni started to make out with her mussels. Or…well you know, with them. We all found it hilarious. Except for Shelby...

“Fuck you.” And with that Toni was off, running down the beach. I myself was on the brink of tears. Some churches man…they’ll brainwash even the best of 'em. I stared at the sand, not sure where to go. I wanted to chase after Toni, I wanted to stay right here and hide in the sand. The rest of the girls had gone quiet too.

“What?” Shelby asked. “Am I not allowed to have my own beliefs?”

“Not those ones,” I spat. I pushed myself up and jogged around the bend.

I saw Toni near the shoreline. She had her feet in the water. Cautiously, I crept up behind her. I didn’t want to startle her. “You good?”

Toni turned and her stance signaled she was ready for a fight. Her shoulders relaxed when she realized it was just me. “Yeah. No. Whatever, I just need a break from barbie bitch.”

“Yeah, you and me both,” I chuckled. “Will you though? Be okay?”

“You don’t need to worry about me. I’m fine.” She looked back out at the sea.

“G-good. Okay, I, uh…good, I’m glad,” I was muttering. I mutter when I’m nervous. Avoiding eye contact, all that fun stuff.

“Why are you so nervous?” Shit. So she did notice. “I mean you’re chill around everyone else but you get all twitchy around me. What’s with that?” She paused and her face fell a bit. “Do I scare you?”

“Oh god no,” I grasped her hand. “No I promise Toni, I’m not scared of you.”

“Then what?”

I look down at my toes. “I-I um…you-“ I swallow hard. “You’re pretty.”

She didn’t say anything and I was about ready to jump into the ocean and never come back. And then she laughed. She fucking laughed! Oh my god I was going to cry. I felt like I had just been publicly rejected in middle school all over again.

“That was cute,” Toni said, still chuckling a bit. I looked her dead in the eyes and she wasn’t kidding.

“Okay, I’m gonna go back now.” I turned on my heel and started walking back, very briskly might I add. I could not believe that just happened. 

“Yeah me too-“Toni cut herself off and started heaving. I looked back. Toni was throwing up her entire stomach and then some. I rushed to her side, brushing the hair from her face. In the distance, I could see Rachel throwing up too. Oh Jesus Christ.

Shelby and I spent the rest of the day running from girl to girl, holding hair and passing out water. It was one huge haze of running back and forth, trying to make sure no one died. I knew that the mussels were a bad idea. God, how could I be so stupid? This was all my fault. Once Dot resurfaced from the dead, she took charge. Leah was sent to go find the medical bag while Dot and I boiled more water. She had me look over Toni and Marty while she took after the twins.

Toni was not good. By the time I got back to her, she was practically lifeless. Fatin was trying to get her to drink some canned water but it wasn’t working. Matha, who was equally unwell sat by idly, crying into her can of water and trying not to throw up again. I pulled Toni off of Fatin and into my lap, trying to get her to drink the water from my bottle. She kept turning her head away or pushing my hand. I pulled her closer and upright with one arm and got Fatin to hold her face in one place.

“Drink,” I told her. She couldn’t even speak but she shook her head. “Toni, drink. Please. You need to rehydrate for me okay?” I got her to drink a little, but she just couldn’t swallow. Martha started crying at some point. Luckily, Leah made it back with the medicine. 

Trying to fight Toni into taking the pill was not working Especially not when everyone started crowding and screaming at myself and Dot. Shelby crouched to our level and took the pill from Dot. This only made things worse. No way in hell was Toni ever going to accept anything from Shelby. But blondie wasn’t going down without a fight. In one motion, she’d shoved me out of the way and climbed on top of Toni, dropping the pill into her mouth and forcing her to swallow. 

 Night fell and everyone was exhausted. Toni hadn’t woken up since Shelby drugged her and honestly I was getting a little worried she died in her sleep or something. Martha wasn’t looking too hot either. She’d broken into a sweat despite the cold of the night. Everyone else is tucked into their respective beds, dead silent. The cold night air made it easier to relax. After a day like today all i wanted to do was curl up next to Toni and never wake up. 

Beside me, Toni started to stir. The weight I’d been carrying finally lifted off my shoulders. “Toni?”, I chimed. “Are you alive?”

“No,” she grumbled as she sat up, rubbing her eyes. I didn’t give her a moment more to readjust to life before I tackled her in a hug.

“Oh my god, you’re okay.” She laughed at me again, but this time I didn’t mind. Cause she wasn’t dead. Or close to dying. I pulled her back down on top of me. She fell asleep again in my arms. I smiled down at her. Once again, there was a moment where I wasn’t in living hell. It was just me and Toni. Somewhere safe. And warm, preferably. Everything was going to be okay.

 And then Marty dropped dead.

[hadtochangemyurlquick]

here’s 7.1k of Toni pining and Shelby and Toni being childhood friends and also far more character analysis of Rachel than I was expecting? also Marcus is real and I made him a gorgeous himbo. it’s based off that poem by @theycallmedizzy and you can find it here. lmk if you want a second chapter from shelby’s perspective, tho i literally just finished this one. like literally ten minute ago.

Mr. Williams finishes reading the poem and looks over his spectacles at the class. Yes, they’re spectacles, those kind of tiny thick ones that make his eyes too big because he’s much too old to be teaching.

It’s eight am on a Tuesday, Toni walked the three miles to school because she missed the bus only to walk into her shitty honors English class and hear the teacher reading a poem aloud to the class. Her poem. She’d sat down after a momentary pause and listened to him read the final damning stanza.

And then he looks at Toni.

He reads her essays right? What if he recognizes her writing voice? Is that a thing? Or maybe her handwriting or—

“Toni, I was just explaining to the class that whoever wrote this should submit it to the state literature festival,” Mr. Williams says, Toni almost sags against her chair. “I was hoping someone would come forward,” He turns back to the class, eyes hovering over Quinn and Monty, two of the more sensitive guys who sit in the back and ruin the curve for everyone. “But I’ll leave it on the board here,” he clacks it on with a magnet and Toni flinches, “and hopefully someone will come forward. Now onto today’s lesson.”

After class Martha goes up to the board and takes a picture of it, her eyes a little starry at the words and Toni grits her teeth.

“You have to admit it’s pretty,” Martha says. “Even you can’t deny that.”

“It’s dumb,” Toni says flatly, crossing her arms.

“Well I’m keeping it anyway, maybe someday someone will write a poem about me,” Martha says.

“How do you know it’s not about you?” Shelby asks coming out of nowhere and uninvited too. Toni glares at her, letting her open disdain shine through like sunshine through clouds after a gully washer.

“No guys notice me,” Martha informs Shelby sadly. “I bet Andrew wrote it for you.”

Shelby purses her lips and looks over the poem, “I doubt it. He’s more of a doer, I think. Besides, I’m sure that guys notice you, you went on a date with that boy Sam last month.”

Martha sighs and before she can launch into what a disaster that date was, Toni tightens her hands around her backpack.

“I’ll see you in science,” She tells Martha and manages to escape Shelby’s eyes burning at the back of her neck.

———

reasons not to kiss her

1.) this sort of love is not allowed. you are both too soft, and the world around you is all knives and chipped teeth

Toni had played about every sport she was allowed to growing up. Basketball was her favorite, but she loved beat it ball, the game she made up with the other kids in the neighborhood. It was basketball but without rules, devolving into fist fights within the first half. Nothing tasted better than her own bloody lip on a hot summer day. Not even the cool glass of lemonade Mrs. Blackburn always had ready when she ran all skinned knees to Martha’s telling her about how she beat guys two years older than her.

She got angry when she had to stop playing, moving to a different neighborhood. Apparently, Mrs. Blackburn had figured out that she wasn’t only getting her split lip from the older kids in the neighborhood.

The new foster parents were a little stricter, a little richer, and signed her up for youth soccer when she complained about how there was nothing to do without beat it ball.

Martha Blackburn would always be her person, but Toni didn’t expect to find her people so young. Dottie killed as goalie, and Becca’s sweetness made her defense all the better. But it was Shelby and Toni who were the dynamic duo. Toni had a never ending amount of energy as a midfielder and Shelby’s precision made her the perfect striker. It worked the same way every game, Becca would kick it to Toni, who got it to Shelby, who scored a goal. It got to the point that Becca didn’t even need to do much and the coach had to pull Toni aside to tell her to pass to the other girls too.

At the end of the season they sat together at the team party, wearing orange slice smiles. With sticky fingers they held hands and Toni kinda wondered how someone’s eyes could be so green.

Toni doesn’t remember why Shelby’s parents were so angry about them holding hands, but she knows Mr. Goodkind talked to her foster parents and Toni was off to a different home, in a different district, and she lost even Martha for a few months.

———

At lunch everyone’s talking about that fucking poem. Martha sent it around to the whole school and Leah is discussing its merits with Rachel and Nora. Even they don’t seem bored with the topic, though Nora is sure Quinn didn’t write it.

“It could be Monty,” Leah says. “I wouldn’t have thought he had an eye for this stuff.”

“I don’t think it’s Monty,” Rachel says. She looks at Nora, “C’mon, you know what I’m talking about, right?”

“What?” Nora asks.

“I mean it smells like Anna Akhmatova had a baby with Adrienne Rich,” Rachel says.

“Who had a baby with who?” Martha asks.

“Please,” Fatin says. “You’re not exactly the world’s leading expert on free form poetry.”

“Uh, I know when something’s written by a girl,” Rachel says. “I bet you fifty bucks some closet case wrote this.”

Everyone looks at Toni. “You caught me,” Toni deadpans.

“Rachel’s right,” Nora says. “A girl definitely wrote this. Toni, do you know anyone?”

Toni glares at her. “I’ll shake the lesbian phone tree and see what comes out.”

“Well, could it be Regan?” Martha asks. “Maybe she wants to—”

“It’s not fucking Regan,” Toni grabs her books and stalks out, kicking a chair randomly strewn around away as she did.

She hears Shelby sit down just as she leaves, “What’s got her madder than a baptized cat?” Shelby asks and Toni rolls her eyes.

———

2.) no one ever taught you how to love. your war paint and scarred hands could never hold her like she deserves

The worst of it was that Shelby was gentle. Her hands were warm and soft around Toni’s callouses, and there was a crinkle between her eyebrows as she focused on Toni’s hands. No, the worst of it was that Shelby didn’t let go of Toni’s hands when she finished, kept holding onto them as she met Toni’s eyes.

“Well?”

Toni swallowed hard, “I’m not gonna apologize.”

Shelby sighed, her thumb traced little circles around Toni’s hands. “I know today ain’t easy for you.” Toni scoffed and looked away. “But you know you were pickin' a fight. Andrew promised to leave you alone.”

Toni ripped her hands away and jumped from the bench of the locker room. “What the fuck do you know? You weren’t fucking there.”

Shelby’s calm only made Toni’s anger redder, “You ain’t denying it.”

“Why the fuck are you dating him? He’s a self-satisfied little asshole who just wants a little trophy girlfriend to—”

“Toni,” Shelby cut her off sharply and got to her feet, meeting Toni’s eyes.

“You’re not denying that either,” Toni spat.

She could’ve screamed at the hypocrisy. She wanted to scream. She wanted to pound her fists against the walls and bleed all over the bandages Shelby wrapped around her knuckles. She wanted to hurt, to make Shelby hurt. She wanted everyone to see and feel how hurt she was, and hurt them with that hurt. Finally level the playing field.

“Andrew is my business,” Shelby said. “Not yours.”

“He becomes my business when you—”

“When I what?” Shelby asked.

Toni looked at her hands, “Never mind.”

Shelby sighed, “Martha’s helping you move in today, right? Shel’ll be there the whole time?”

“Don’t pretend you give a shit.”

“Of course I care. The last time you lived with your mom you didn’t eat for a week.”

“I was five, not fifteen,” Toni said. “And seriously, stop pretending you give a shit.”

She shoulder checked Shelby as she walked out and winced at the sound of Shelby hitting the gym lockers. Her hands still sting where Andrew’s teeth had scrapped them.

———

Regan approaches Toni during science, her eyes serious. Martha straightens, and Toni does her best not to make eye contact.

“It’s not mine,” Regan says.

“Yeah duh,” Toni mutters.

Regan frowns, “I just—I didn’t want you to—”

“You made it perfectly clear what you want,” Toni says.

Regan sighs and leaves and Toni regrets it.

“Shelby thinks it’s Marcus,” Martha tells her. Toni blinks up at her and Martha nods. “She thinks he wrote it for me.”

“Martha, that kid is dumber than a box of rocks,” Toni says.

Martha furrows her brow, “Maybe he has hidden depths.”

“If you think it’s him ask him out,” Toni says.

“Shelby thinks it’s him,” Martha is quick to correct. “But he doesn’t even know who I am.”

Toni rolls her eyes. Marcus had been in love with Martha since the ninth grade. They had gotten placed as lab partners and he literally didn’t take his eyes off her the entire time. Every time there was a dance he would always look like he was about to say something, shoot his shot, when Martha would loudly proclaim she couldn’t wait to go with her friends.

Toni would’ve pulled the guy aside and told him to grow a pair, but a guy who’s not brave enough to go after what he wants wasn’t good enough for her Marty, not by a long shot.

“Rachel still thinks a girl wrote it,” Martha says.

“Maybe Rachel wrote it,” Toni mutters.

Martha’s eyes light up.

———

3.) no one has ever loved you this full surely you would drown in it all

Being a lifeguard was the worst. It was super boring, the pay was shit, and also Toni would probably get someone killed. Like, they pretended she was CPR certified but she absolutely had no idea how to do it. She went to some hour long course, slept through it, took a test that was just: should you kill people? And then they wrote some bullshit on some papers about a three week long set of classes.

But Shelby was tanned and golden looking and on their shifts they’d text back and forth about which kids they were betting on to win sharks and minnows. Tweenage boys in all their adolescent infancy would gaze open mouthed at Shelby and Toni alike but Shelby was the only one who let them down gently. Toni would ruin them for girls forever with something enough to cut through even the thickest skin.

On the fourth of July the pool paid for fireworks and Toni found a blanket and Shelby found her and they sat watching the reflections of the lights together. Shelby rested her head on Toni’s shoulder, all gentle, like she was afraid Toni would spook.

“I know this ain’t much of a holiday for you,” Shelby said. “But thank you for spending it with me.”

She had her hand on the blanket, splayed out like she was waiting for Toni to take it, there in front of everyone. Toni imagined a world in which she did.

———

“Yeah it’s not me,” Rachel says. “I wish I could write that good.”

Which is such bullshit because Toni knows Rachel could say well if she wanted to. Rachel’s weird inferiority complex about Nora pisses off Toni to no end. Nora’s the smart one, Rachel will be the first to say, and Rachel’s the athletic one. But Nora has a six minute mile and Rachel has perfect pitch so Toni hates them both.

“Maybe it’s Dot,” Toni suggests and Rachel, Nora, and Martha snicker.

Out of all of them, Martha’s the best driver, but they always end up in Rachel’s car after school anyway.

“Most of the school seems to think it’s by Andrew,” Nora says. Toni’s fists clench.

“Yeah,” Rachel rolls her eyes, “I’m sure he would love to take the credit. C’mon Toni, you don’t know any lesbians who could’ve written this?”

“You’re a lesbian too,” Toni says. “You don’t know any?”

“I don’t have a life outside of the pool,” Rachel says, “and none of them have picked up a book since Hop on Pop.”

“Regan says it wasn’t her,” Martha cuts in helpfully. “But maybe it’s another kid in theatre. Shelby says—”

“Oh my god,” Toni grits out. “What is everyone’s deal with her anyway? Why is everyone still obsessed with her? She’s just another basic Jesus bitch.”

The car goes quiet and Toni wishes she could melt into her seat cushion.

“I didn’t mean that,” Toni says.

“Except you did,” Martha snaps.

Toni winces.

“What’s your deal with her?” Rachel asks. “You guys were fine last year.”

“Quinn says there’s a poetry club,” Nora says. “Maybe it’s someone there?”

No one takes the bait and they don’t talk the rest of the way.

———

4.) she belongs in a museum, and you are merely here to gaze. look around you, all the signs scream ‘do not touch’

“Shelby?”

Toni grabbed the shoulder of the girl and pulled her away from Marcus. Shelby was bruised lips and ruined make up and Toni took her by the hand. Thank god Martha wasn’t here, thank god Andrew wasn’t here, thank god Marcus looked just as trashed.

“Toni?” Shelby sorta stumbled, her ankle twisting painfully on her heel and Toni steadied her.

Shelby could do a cartwheel in six inch heels.

“I’m gonna get you home, okay?” Toni called over the music.

Shelby didn’t really respond, just leant into Toni as she led her away and outside. The party had spilled into the backyard and front yard some, the cops probably already on their way, but everyone was too fucking hammered to notice them making their way out.

Shelby’s house was only about a twenty minute walk but it was cold and Toni was only wearing her basketball shorts and her mom’s jacket that she promptly put over Shelby’s shoulders.

“Are you still—” Shelby swallowed hard, “You’re still living with your mom?”

“Mostly with Martha,” Toni said.

“Martha’s great,” Shelby said. “She’s so pretty it makes my eyes hurt.”

“One of our finest,” Toni grunted as Shelby nearly fell on her heels again.

“She could be a model,” Shelby told her. “We should get waffle house.”

“Shelbs, we’re nowhere near a waffle house.”

“What was Becca’s order? At waffle house?”

Toni sighed, looping an arm around her. “I dunno.”

“Neither do I,” Shelby said.

“I’m sorry, Shelby,” Toni said.

Shelby shook her head and stopped right there, circling her arms around Toni and pressing her into a hug. Toni closed her eyes, holding her back as tightly as she dared.

“Oh, Shelby, I’m so fucking sorry.”

———

“Day two!” Mr. Williams calls. He taps the poem again, “I will investigate the handwriting if the poet doesn’t come forward by Friday. I know it’s someone in one of my classes.”

His eyes narrow as he takes them all in and his eyes don’t linger on Toni. Not even for a moment.

There’s a part of her that wants to march up to the front of the room and write her name down, make eye contact with everyone who never even considered her before. But no one expects shit from her, and even if he does go over the handwriting he won’t really be able to pin it on her. He might not even bother checking to see if it matches.

Toni tries not to jump when Marcus takes the seat in front of her during quant lit. It’s not like they have assigned seating but everyone sticks to the same seats anyway. Marcus won’t get shit for it though, perks of being the quarterback.

“So, listen,” he scratches the back of his head and Toni rolls her eyes at him. “I know we aren’t really friends but I—um.”

“Marcus,” Toni says.

“I wanna ask Martha out,” Marcus rushes out. “She’s like the nicest, smartest, coolest girl in the school and like her eyes are out of this world radical.” Radical? “And I would take her somewhere nice like Olive Garden. Or Cheesecake Factory? And pay for it, and open all the doors for her, and I’d carry her books to class—”

“On your date? This is happening during school?” Toni asks.

His eyebrows furrow as he tries to connect the dots. Football players.

“Oh no! I meant like, after, if she wants me to,” He says. “Can I?”

“Can you what?”

“Can I ask her out?”

Toni blinks at him. “What?”

“My buddy said if you want to get with a girl you get close to the best friend first, and I figured I’d ask you for your blessing because that’s what they do in old fashioned stuff right?” He bounces up in down in his seat. “Can I? Or like, do you wanna give me your blessing?”

She feels like she’s having an aneurysm.

Listen, Marcus having feelings for Martha is one thing. Everyone on the planet who’s ever met Martha falls a little in love with her. That’s kinda just how she operates. Toni narrowly avoided that pitfall by being lucky enough to know her since she was five, but it was a tough time. But Marcus was never gonna act on it. Marcus can’t—he’s the quarterback.

It’s basic math, Marcus is a six foot five football player with shoulders wide enough to bench press the Subaru Forrester Toni’s legally required to buy when she turns thirty-two. He’s got that all American boy smile that shows of perfectly white teeth, and dark hair that sweeps in front of his eyes. His face looks like it was sculpted out of marble, like literally he looks like some sort of roman god, except if that roman god volunteered at the humane society on the weekends and called his mom Mami.

Martha is a res girl who’s best friend is the dyke with anger issues. And like yeah, she’s stupid pretty, but Marcus has exclusively dated varsity cheerleaders since the seventh grade.

So yeah, even if Marcus may have feelings for Marty, everyone fucking does, and there’s a host of reasons why she doesn’t have a date to every dance and a new guy every week. And most of them are the cliche high school movie hierarchy sort.

“It’s really none of my business, man,” she says.

“Dude, it’s totally your business,” Marcus says. He leans closer, “you two are like sisters right? What do I gotta do to prove I’m not gonna hurt her? I’ll do your math homework for a month, no two months.”

A thought occurs to Toni and it’s a terrible one. But when has that ever stopped her?

“You’re in my honors English class right?”

Marcus’s face screws in, “Uh, yeah. But I don’t think you want me doing your homework in there, I’m like totally failing.”

“I have a better idea.”

———

5.) she touches you like youre fragile, and if you break you wont be able put yourself together again

Dot was asleep which was Toni’s first indication that something was deeply wrong. The second was that Shelby wasn’t. She was definitely trying her darnedest, but Toni could tell she was awake. Awake in her arms.

Toni shifted, just enough to let Shelby know she was awake too. The movie was some horror flick, something dumb and flashy and almost muted it was so quiet. It was the only thing rated R that they could all agree on. Dot’s house was the only place they were allowed to watch anything rated R when they were still thirteen, so it was all they watched there.

She felt Shelby shift up, so her head rested on Toni’s chest, shifted until her lips met Toni’s clavicle.

Toni wondered if she’d die.

Shelby went up instead of down, pressing kisses up the length of Toni’s neck, soft barely there things that made Toni’s breath catch as she watched Dot snore on the couch next to them.

Toni’s hands moved to the inside of Shelby’s thighs and they stared there, tracing delicate patterns that only made Shelby curl closer.

“I think you’re probably the most beautiful girl I ever saw,” Shelby whispered.

“I—”

“I’m not done.”

Toni’s mouth clamped shut.

“I think about you all the time,” Shelby whispered. “Even when I—”

“Shelby,” Toni warned. Shelby pressed a kiss to the corner of her mouth.

“You’re right,” Shelby said.

Neither of them slept that night.

———

Toni walks into class three minutes late with Mr. Williams, and takes her seat with a sulk.

“He still won’t let me redo that paper,” Toni mutters to Martha who’s eyes are wide.

“Toni, Marcus just—” She nods her head at the poem where Mr. Williams is studying it too.

“Marcus Gonzales?” Mr. Williams asks.

Marcus gets to his feet.

“You wrote this?”

“Yessir.”

“This poem right here?”

“Yessir.”

Mr. Williams blinks and takes off his spectacles, setting them down on the desk. “We’ll talk after class. I should hope everyone has a copy of—”

“I wrote it for Martha,” Marcus doesn’t sit down and the entire class stares at him.

“—Franny and Zooey and I would like you all to turn to page 52. Begin by annotating—”

“Martha, can I take you out on a date?” Marcus asks.

“—this first section, and on to page 64. Remember what Seymour serves as in—”

Martha blushes hard and glances at Toni who smiles before she looks back at Marcus in all his golden boy 6’5” glory.

“Um, okay,” she mutters out and he grins.

“Cool.” Marcus finally sits and gives Toni a thumbs up. She rolls her eyes.

“—this story and compare that to his roles in the other parts of the work we’ve read.”

“I told you it was for you, girl,” Shelby says on Martha’s other side. “People always have a way of surprising you.”

———

6.) she is all bubblegum skies and chapped stick kisses, and you cannot watch the love run out of another persons eyes

They were all a little bit slap happy by the end of the night. A little bit drunk, a little bit high, and laughing far too hard at one another.

“I’m scared,” Shelby told them, still grinning wider than any pageant smile.

“Girl, you picked dare,” Fatin said.

“I did,” Shelby bit her lip. “But all y’all dared Leah to do was finish the vodka.”

“That was—that was bad vodka,” Leah slurred from her position on Dot’s lap.

“But now we’re out of vodka,” Martha sang. “You picked dare.”

“I’ll go with you,” Toni got to her feet, surprised when they were more steady than she assumed they’d be. “Two chairs right?”

“Alright,” Shelby said. “And you’ll hold my hand?”

“Sure princess,” Toni rolled her eyes.

It was an office supply place, probably. The parking lot had this killer decline, and it was one of those spring nights where nothing could really ruin anything. Not forever.

The rolling chairs were kinda gross, left there but not yet picked up by the garbage men. They had to do a special pickup for that, which costed extra. No one in the office had done it for the weeks the girls had been going there after parties.

“Be careful,” Nora urged.

“Don’t fall,” Rachel suggested.

“Hold on, I’m not recording yet,” Fatin said. “Okay now go.”

They pushed off in their rolling chairs, holding hands, and sped down the decline laughing as they barely managed to hold on and steer at the same time.

Toni went flying as she bumped into a patch of grass and for some reason, Shelby went flying with her, landing on top. Toni grunted, but she wasn’t in pain, not really.

They met eyes.

“Sorry,” Shelby said. She didn’t sound sorry.

“You okay?” Toni asked.

Shelby smiled, this real soft thing, Toni wondered what it’d taste like.

“Fuck yeah bitches! I’m so putting that on snapchat!” Fatin screamed and Shelby pulled away, turning white.

“God if this is you in in freshman year, I’m terrified of you as a senior,” Toni called back.

Shelby’s hand slipped out of her’s and Toni tried very very hard not to overthink it.

———

“So I’ve been thinking,” Leah said. Toni took her gym bag out of her locker, pretty much the only thing she kept in there.

“Oh no.”

“Rachel was right about that poem being written by a girl,” Leah continued. “Which meant Marcus lied. And Marcus would never do that unless someone gave him permission to take credit. And since Marcus lied so he could ask Martha out that means the person who wrote the poem wanted Martha to be happy.”

Toni swallowed hard and tried not to fumble with the lock, stumbling with it.

“Toni,” Leah walked over to her. “You need to face the facts: Shelby’s into you.”

Toni blinked, “What?”

“She wrote that whole poem for you, don’t tell me you don’t see it. It’s about you!”

“She—” Toni stopped and furrowed her brow, finally making eye contact with Leah, “You think she wrote that poem for me?”

Leah nodded, “And she let Marcus take the credit. Listen, I know I’m right. I’ve been thinking about it for ages. Whatever fight the two of you had—you need to get over it. She’s into you, Toni. She’s been into you.”

“You have no fucking idea what you’re talking about,” Toni told her. “Seriously, fuck you Leah and fuck off. This is none of your fucking business.”

“You aren’t denying it,” Leah crowed. “Shelby likes you.”

“No she fucking doesn’t!” Toni spat at her. “She fucking hates me! She didn’t write that poem Marcus did! For Martha!”

Leah’s brow furrowed, “But… but you wanted her to. Didn’t you?”

Toni looked away.

“Shelby’s actually straight, isn’t she?” Leah asked. “Fuck Toni.”

“I’m happy for Martha,” Toni said, and marched away.

———

7.) if you jump, she might catch you, and then youd have to watch as she tumbled through the dark

“What if we ran away?” Shelby asked, which was Toni’s third indication that the punch was spiked.

The first two were her arms wrapped around Toni’s waist, swaying in the soft breeze to the distant music of Junior prom.

“Oh yeah?” Toni asked. “Where’d we go?”

“Peru,” Shelby said. “Or LA, or New York or—” Shelby sort of trailed off, losing her thought halfway through it.

“Our parents,” Toni pointed out. She’d moved in with Martha a few months ago but her mom had taken it as a wakeup call, promising to get her shit back together as soon as she could. Toni couldn’t help but believe her, even if it put her in stasis.

“Right,” Shelby sounded cold, “Our parents.”

“Are things worse with them?” Toni asked.

“No,” Shelby said. “The same, really. They’ve lightened up since—since Becca. Have you heard from your mom?”

“Every week or so,” Toni said. “And if you ever need a break you know—“

“Martha is happy to have me,” Shelby finished.

Toni smiled and pulled away enough to meet Shelby’s eyes, her hands slid from behind Shelby’s neck to either side.

“Did I tell you you look beautiful tonight?” Toni asked.

“You did,” Shelby said.

“Can I say it again?”

“You can.”

“You look beautiful tonight.” Shelby closed her eyes and Toni tucked a lock of hair behind her ear. “You’re gonna get out, you know that right?”

Shelby nodded, leaning into Toni’s hand.

Later, Toni will learn that was one of two lies Shelby told that night.

———

Martha gets home at 11:30, exactly when Marcus promised, and Toni smiles as her sister collapses backwards into her bed.

“Toni,” she actually giggles, giggles like a little school girl. “It was amazing.”

“Where’d you go?” Toni asks.

“Olive Garden, I think he was trying to win points with you,” Martha says.

“As he should,” Toni nods.

“He was the perfect gentleman,” Martha swoons. She rolls onto her stomach and looks at Toni and oh god, Toni knows that look. “He did tell me something about you, though.”

“Oh yeah? How I’m better in quant lit than him?” Toni asks.

“He told me you wrote the poem,” she says.

Toni looks away, “Okay, and?”

“You told me you were over Regan,” Martha says.

“It’s complicated,” Toni decides. “And whatever. I wrote it awhile ago anyway.”

“Have you thought about submitting it to that contest Mr. Williams was talking about?” Martha asks.

“Can we go back to talking about your date with Prince Charming?” Toni says. Martha acquiesces, she’s too damn giddy to do anything else.

———

8.) her gaze is too gentle. you will not be the one to tell her that not everything can be fixed with a smile

“Toni,” Dot began, and Toni could tell she was looking at her. “Toni, is Shelby—is she gay?”

Toni snickered, “Dot, Shelby is possibly the biggest straight girl in our school. Maybe our state. She’d sooner give herself a buzzcut than she would ever even kiss a girl."

“Andrew said Shelby got a job as a counselor at this church camp—Guiding Light—in Plano,” Dot said. “I wanted to find the address so I could write to her and it’s a conversion camp.”

The breath left Toni’s body.

“What?”

“And I got to thinking,” Dot said. “About what a mess she was after Becca died this year. Ignoring us, going to all those parties, signing up for a crazy number of pageants. Hell, it was only once you two started talking that she talked to us again.”

“Stop it, Dot.”

“Toni is Shelby gay?”

“Dot,” Toni said.

“Because if she’s gay, if she’s not there as a camp counselor—Toni, did you know about this?”

“Of course not! Jesus!” Toni said. She jumped to her feet and started to pace, “Jesus Christ. Oh my god.”

“Toni is Shelby gay?”

Toni looked at Dot and Dot sighed, her entire body sagging.

“What do we do?” Toni asked.

Dot, her solid, steady, friend since fucking youth soccer was silent.

“Dot, what do we do?”

“Dot, what the fuck do we do?”

———

Shelby finds her before school, Toni smoking like she hasn’t since ninth grade when Bernice gave her a stern lecture about lung cancer. It made Toni cry, actually. Not because it was so stern but because Martha and Toni had been separated for three years and Bernice still cared enough to get angry with her. She promised then and there to stop, and each drag she took now makes her feel like she’s committing treason.

“Smokin’ kills,” Shelby tells her, like they didn’t all go to Dot’s dad’s funeral last year.

Toni takes another drag, just to watch Shelby roll her eyes.

“How’d Martha’s date go last night?” Shelby asks.

Toni glares, “Seriously? You avoid me all year and now you’re asking about Martha’s date?” Shelby looks away. “It went fine. Whatever.”

“I just—I was surprised Marcus wrote that poem is all.”

“You literally said multiple times you thought it was him,” Toni says.

“I know, I know but—”

“Still holding out hope for Andrew?” Toni sneers. “Marcus may not be the sharpest tool in the shed but he cares about Martha. Even a fucking idiot could write a half decent poem if they had someone worth writing about.”

Shelby meets her eyes and Toni’s breath catches.

“Know a lot about poetry, Toni?”

Fuck fuck fuck.

Toni flicks the only half used cigarette away. “I have to go to class,” She says, aware it’s just about the worst thing she can do.

Shelby doesn’t even need the last word, she’s aware she’s already won.  

———

9.) she is so good. she is so good, and you cannot ruin one more good thing

It hadn’t been the first time Toni found her mom overdosed on the couch, but it’d been the most terrifying. Toni had waited in the school parking lot for a pick up for twenty minutes before Shelby had offered her a ride.

When they trooped inside, after having to use the key Tamera kept tucked away in a loose brick, her mom had been passed out on the couch. And the stupid thing had been that Toni had known her mom hadn’t been doing great. Like she’d known Tamera had lost her job, and was close to losing the car, that the pain in her back had been getting worse again from stress. Toni had known that.

But for some stupid, naive reason, Toni had never thought she’d pull this, go back to who she was.

Her tolerance was low, the doctors had told her, because she’d been clean for so long. She hadn’t realized it and had taken more than she could handle.

Shelby had taken the three of them to the hospital, helped carry Toni’s drooling mother into the ER, and held Toni’s hand until the other girls showed up, who she texted to come.

Shelby had been there when the police and social services came to talk to her about going back into foster care. Shelby had never left her side.

Toni couldn’t help but contrast that to the Shelby she saw now. The Shelby who showed up for senior year was barely christian, barely anything, just sort of blank and empty and waiting to grow up so she could have daughters that'd also wait to grow up so that they could have daughters that’d also wait to grow up so that they could have daughters that’d also

Shelby didn’t even look at her, for the first week of senior year she didn’t even look at Toni. She talked with Martha in that faux friendly way, she passed off on lunch invitations to do school work and Toni felt like she was going insane.

Sometimes she would just stare at the back of Shelby’s head in English class, writing whatever gibberish came to mind, and not listening to Mr. Williams at all. Just stare, for forty-five minutes, at a girl who wouldn’t even make eye contact, Toni’s pencil moving rapidly as she barely even glanced at the words her hands produced.

On the last day of the semester Toni finally looked away and came to two realizations:

a. Her mother was never getting better. Not really. b. Toni had written P E R U over forty times in her notebook.

As quietly as she could she tore the page out, and maybe about fifteen pages behind it, filled with similar drivel and recycled them at the end of class.

When the next semester started the seats were changed and something she’d written that she barely remembered was on the board.

Her mother was still in rehab.

———

Toni watches Marcus carry Martha’s backpack to class and watches as Martha giggles at him, argues with him. She is literally so happy it makes Toni’s heart burst.

“Shelby’s quite the matchmaker, huh?” Fatin asks.

Toni looks at her.

“Leah told me,” Fatin explains.

Toni rolls her eyes.

“Yeah, that’s what I said too,” Fatin says. “Leah’s good at noticing things but putting the pieces together is not her strong suit. So I called Dorothy.”

This makes Toni’s shoulders tense and Fatin wraps an arm around them.

“Dorothy didn’t want to talk but what she didn’t say was enough.” Fatin sighs, “I’m all for a little drama but this is cutting into my me time.”

“What going from twenty-four hours a day to twenty-three and a half?” Toni asks.

“God forbid,” Fatin nods sagely. “I didn’t know you could write.”

“I can’t.”

“Clearly not.”

Toni slips out from under her arm, and follows Martha into class. Mr. Williams glares as she comes in and Toni realizes if Marcus came clean to Martha he definitely came clean to Mr. Williams. At least the poem is off the board.

When he passes out papers from a recent essay her’s has a “see me after class” sticker that makes Toni slide down in her seat. Martha doesn’t even notice enough to give her an odd look because she and Shelby are yukking it up about the quarterback.

When everyone files out she hangs back and he looks at her, over his spectacles.

“I’m disappointed,” he says at last.

Toni scoffs.

“You write essays based off spark notes, you never participate, and half the time you don’t even do the homework. But you write this.” He slides the crumpled paper over his desk, her poem shining back at her. “So all I can conclude is that you’re lazy.”

Yeah, obviously.

“Why did you have Marcus tell everyone he wrote it?” Mr. Williams asks.

“So he could ask out Martha.”

“He didn’t need to have written the poem to do that,” Mr. Williams says.

“Can I go?” Toni asks.

“I want to submit this poem to a contest, I want you to start trying in this class, and this,” he hands her a slip of paper with about twenty sets of numbers on it, “is a list of Dickinson poems I want you to read by next week. Pick at least three to write me at least a page about. Single spaced.”

“What?” Toni asks, “You can’t make me do that.”

“I know half the kids in this class write off spark notes, I can easily have them all—including you—fail. So yes, yes I can actually.” He takes off his spectacles and Toni glares at him. “You’re a smart kid, Toni. You’ve got a talent for this.”

Toni shakes her head, “I’m a one hit wonder.”

“You know Britney Spears said the same thing after Baby One More Time.”

“That’s not true,” Toni says.

“Yeah,” Mr. Williams says. “Because she kept working at it.”

And Toni takes the slip of paper with the numbers on it, and marches to her next class and he watches her the whole way, not bothering to put on his stupid spectacles.

———

10.) you will not watch her crumble under the weight of your sins. she is too light, too breathless to be caught up in the dizziness of your heart

Dot didn’t invite them all to the funeral but they came anyway, even Shelby who Toni knew had been waffling back and forth.

Some of his army friends showed up, a doctor or two, and Mateo—the hot nurse Dot steadily ignored. It was a small and quiet service, and the seven of them sat towards the back, holding steady for her.

There was too much on Dot’s shoulders, there always had been, but she didn’t look any freer now that the burden was lifted. She just looked scared, small, and sad.

Toni couldn’t help but wonder if that was what she’d look like, if she got the call about her mom. It was a terribly selfish thought but who could blame her?

Shelby’s hands interlocked with hers, in broad daylight, and stayed there for the entire day. When Toni met her eyes she saw pure terror reflected back at her.

God, were they really only seventeen?

———

Rachel is complaining at lunch about owing Nora five bucks, how she was so sure some closet case wrote the poem but it’s no surprise Nora got it right.

Fatin and Leah don’t contribute and Martha probably wouldn’t have either except she was eating lunch with Marcus, they had found their own little table and were smiling at one another.

“They’re certainly cute together,” Shelby says, glancing back at Martha and Marcus.

“I say it’s weird they have the same name,” Rachel says.

“Says the girl who dated a guy named Raymond,” Nora says.

Rachel throws a straw wrapper at him, “That was a phase and you know it.”

“Marcus is sweet,” Shelby says. “If anyone deserves someone sweet it’s Martha.”

“Don’t you think he’s a little,” Leah trailed off and they all looked at her. “You know a little…”

“Spit it out, Leah,” Rachel says.

“Like the porch lights on but no one’s home?” Leah says.

“Martha is smart enough for the both of them,” Toni says. “And thank god because I was sick of doing his homework in quant lit.”

“That’s literally the easiest math class there is,” Fatin says and Toni shrugs.

“What’s that?” Shelby asks, pointing at the yellow slip sticking out of Toni’s binder.

“Some extra credit stuff, from Williams. Apparently I’m not doing so hot in that class,” Toni says.

Rachel leans way over from the other end of the table. “What is that, Dickinson?”

“It’s a list of numbers,” Shelby says. “Why would it be Dickinson?”

“All of Dickinson’s poems were numbered. It was only after she died that other people named them,” Nora says.

“And Nora said it so you know it’s true,” Rachel smirks.

“Join the fucking club,” Dot says to Toni. “I don’t know why y’all didn’t take non-honors English twelve with me. We just sit around and talk about whatever football game was on the most recently.”

“Well I’ve never liked football so.” Toni gets up, “I’ve gotta talk to my science teacher. I’ll see you guys after school.”

“I’ll go with you,” Shelby smiles and Toni clenches her jaw. “Ms. Roberts said I needed to rework my psych paper.”

“See you guys,” Rachel says and as they leave she’s arguing with Dot about why football is stupid and Toni can feel Fatin’s eyes on her all the way out.

———

reasons to kiss her

1.) she loves you, and her eyes are closed, and didnt your mother ever tell you not to leave a good thing waiting

Toni hated the magnet program kids at her middle school. Like everyone not in their cluster she found them annoying, rich, and privileged as fuck. They only hung out with each other and it was clear they’d never give—

———

“Toni?”

The stair well is empty, it’s the short cut through the language hallway and no one goes there during lunch.

Toni is working hard on ignoring Shelby but is forced to turn around when Shelby stops halfway up.

“Ms. Roberts doesn’t need me to rework my psych paper.”

Toni stares at her.

Shelby takes a step up, one step closer to Toni.

“I had hoped maybe you wrote it for Regan,” Shelby says.

“No such luck,” Toni croaks out.

“That’s a lot of reasons not to kiss someone,” Shelby says. “You’d think if you really shouldn’t kiss someone you’d only need the one.” She takes another step up, until they’re only separated by a few inches.

“I guess,” Toni says.

“Are you really gonna keep me waiting?” Shelby says.

Toni blinks, “You mean you still—”

“I have to do everything myself,” Shelby says.

She kisses her.

[thatsgay-writes]

Leah x reader who is know to be the calm and nice one until she snaps when she found out Rachel held Leah underwater

You were the yang to Leah’s yin. The eye of Leah’s own personal hurricane. Literally one of the only reason Leah had managed to stay some what sane after everything that happened with Jeff. Overall, you were her saving grace. You fell, literally fell, into her life on a cloudy but bright Sunday afternoon.

---

You had just been jogging through the park, training for a marathon that your father made you run. Your dad was an over the top sports fanatic and forced you to do sports or things you didn’t want to do. If you didn’t comply, you got beat. One thing he never taught you was wrestling or MMA fighting because he didn’t need you to learn how to defend yourself. So you got it taught to you and joined an underground fighting ring to make money since your dad wouldn’t let you get a job. Fighting was a way to let out all the pain and anger in your life in a productive way, it also let you get out all the pent up negativity in your body. Outside of the fighting cage you were a bubbly person, you had decided from a early age that the world had enough negativity in it and that you wouldn’t participate in it.

Anyways, you had been jogging through the park on Sunday finally hitting your five mile mark and were ready to turn around when you ran smack into a person. You wrapped your arm around the girl, you could tell it was a girl after practically body slamming her, and turned your body so you would hit the ground instead of her. “Oof...” You let out as the gravel digs into your back. “Are you okay?” You ask as you look up at the girl laying on top of you. The brunette above you shook her head a little before looking at you. Her eyes widened comically as she took you in. A blush shone through as Leah realized she was laying on top of a beautiful girl... Laying on top? Laying on top! Leah realized she was still on top of you and immediately got up. “I am so sorry!” Leah says as she puts out a hand to help you to your feet. “Oh shit.” Leah says as she realizes her ice cream cone had been crushed between the two of you. Not even caring about her own ice cream covered shirt, she uses the napkins that had survived the fall to wipe your stomach clear of ice cream. You look at her in shock as this random girl you just ran into was now wiping your bare stomach clear of ice cream. Leah froze after a few minutes as she realized what she was doing. “I--- Um...”

---

You ended up getting a beating that night for taking too long on your run but you didn’t care. You had gotten the number of one of the most pretty girls you had ever met. After the first meet, you and Leah started seeing each other a lot more. You didn’t know how you missed that Leah went to your school but you definitely surprised her one day when you came up to her in the hallway, abandoning your jock friends and invited her to spend lunch with you. The rest was history.

---

You had only been on the island for three days before you got into a fight. It had started as a normal morning. You woke up next to Leah and gave her a kiss on the head before getting up. You sat down next to Fatin near the fire as Dot kept it going. “You two are cute.” Fatin said with a smirk. You feel your face heat up and gave a small shrug with a smile. “Well I love her so...” Fatin gave you a nudge causing you to laugh. Your brightness was one of the only things that kept some of the girls sane. Sure, Martha was bright as well and Shelby tried to stay upbeat, but something about you had seemed so pure and good and it put all the other girls at ease... Except for Rachel. She seemed to have a problem with you for no reason. Rachel just didn’t believe in your enthusiasm about staying positive. She also didn’t like Leah because of what happened with the phone and how suspicious she seemed of everything.

There had been a few moments where Rachel had angered you and made you mad but you managed to calm yourself down, like with what happened on the mountain. But you had remained calm after Leah reassured you multiple times that she was okay. Leah still didn’t know about your underground fighting but she would soon. “Rachel is fucking psychotic.” Leah mumbles to you as every sat in their own little groups doing whatever. Fatin and Dot sat with the two of you. “What happened?” Fatin asked, over hearing Leah. “She almost fucking drowned me for that black box.” Leah continues in disgust. “I tried to come back go back up for air after we had gone up and down twenty times and she grabbed my ankle and pulled me back down.” “She what.” You state deadly calm as Rachel finally hit the last straw of your patience.

All three girls looked at you in shock, they had never seen you so serious or quiet as you were at that moment. Leah was surprised to see anger flash through your eyes before you stood up. “Oh shit.” Fatin mumbled as she they watched you walk towards Rachel. The three girls you were just with stood up, concerned about what was going to happen. You walked by Martha, Shelby, and Toni as well who all watched you in concern as they noticed the other girls had stood up. Now you had a whole audience as you walked up to Rachel and Nora and tapped Rachel on the back. “What?” Rachel ask annoyed at being interrupted by you. “Stand up.” You said trying to seem as calm as possible. “Why?” Rachel asked, really testing your patience. Don’t break her nose, don’t break her nose... You kept repeating over and over again in your head as you repeated yourself. “Stand up.” Rachel rolled her eyes and stood up right in your face, eye to eye. Nora had stood up as well but moved away some when she noticed the tension between you and Rachel.

Without warning, and to everyone’s shock, you reared your fist back and punch Rachel hard across the face causing her to fall. You shook your hand as you started to walk away from her. “What the fuck!” Rachel roars as she stands back up. “What the fuck was that!?” You stop walking and turn around to face Rachel, ignoring the shocked and frozen looks from the other girls. “Well you almost drowned Leah earlier today at the plane wreck, that wasn’t about to let that go unchecked.” You stated, voice still icily calm. “It’s not my fault she can’t hold her breath long or whatever. Maybe she should learn how to swim correctly or some shit.” Rachel fires back annoyed. “Oh yeah? Says the girl who lied about going to Stanford for diving.” You say in a mocking tone as Rachel’s eyes got wide. “Yeah, you and Nora talk kind of loud.” You say with a smirk that got bigger as Rachel attempted to bum rush you out of anger. You dodge a upper cut aimed at your face and move to the side as Rachel stumbles past you.

You let out a chuckle and grin from the adrenaline rush you were getting, you hadn’t fought someone in weeks. “This is going to be fun.” You state with a big smile, causing Rachel to get even angrier. You took off your shirt, not wanting it to get ruined, and Fatin let out a low wolf whistle getting a elbow to the stomach from Leah. Leah on the other, not gonna lie, was turned on. Her girlfriend fighting for her, shirtless? Leah was in paradise. Rachel bum rushed you again but this time instead of dodging, you caught her fist and gave her a solid punch in the stomach. The two of you fought for what seemed like seconds but what was really a few minutes as Rachel tried to get the upper hand on you. Finally, you had gotten Rachel pinned down again and was holding her arm in position that could dislocate it if you pulled to hard. “Tap out.” You grunted as Rachel tried to get out of your hold. She had blood dripping out of her nose and on to the sand and also sported a black eye. You had gotten her good but made sure not to hit place that would cause anything to break. Nora had wanted to help her sister but had backed up after Rachel sent her a deadly glare. “Tap out or I’ll dislocate your shoulder.” You state again, you knew how to put it back in so it didn’t scare you to do it. “5... 4... 3... 2...” You start counting down and slowly pull on Rachel’s arm.

“Alright alright! I give up!” Rachel screamed out as the pain got too much for her and you immediately got off of her. “Good, now don’t do some dumb shit like that again... To any of the girls, got it?” You ask as Rachel nods her head and holds onto her shoulder. You gave a nod and walked to pick up your shirt that had gotten sand on it during the fight. “Damn...” You stated as you went to the ocean to wash your shirt off and cool down. The ocean salt stung some scrapes you had gotten but was cool against your hot skin. It took a while but the girls all split away after the crazy event they just witnessed. Leah opting to give you some time before talking to you.

---

You had been in the ocean for a concerning amount of time. You honestly didn’t want to return to the girls in fear that their opinions about you might have changed. The other girls, void Rachel and Nora, were worried about you. “I think you should go talk to her.” Fatin says as she whispers to Leah. “I think she’s cooled down enough.” Fatin continues as she see’s Leah bite her lip in thought. Leah nods her head and gets up before heading towards you. “Tell y/n I want boxing lessons while your down there.” Toni throws out, being completely serious and ignores the glare she gets from Rachel.

You sat in a shallow part of the ocean, staring out into the endless sea. “Penny for your thoughts?” Leah asks as she sits beside you, as close as she can without touching you. You give Leah a quick glance before looking straight ahead. “Are the girls mad at me?” You ask, voice filled with nerves. “Just Rachel and Nora but that’s understandable.” Leah let’s out a laugh, “Toni does want you to teach her how to fight though.” You smile and turn to look at Leah before getting serious again. “Are you okay with what happened? I know I kind of went all Incredible Hulk and all but hearing what she did was just the last push...” Leah cupped your face with her hands. “I am okay with what happened... It definitely shocked me but, not gonna lie, it was kind of hot.” Leah says with a smirk and your face heats up immediately. “I, um... woah.” You say with a nervous laugh as Leah lets go of your face and leans her head against your shoulder instead. “Thank you though, for protecting me and defending me... Even before the whole place crash happened.” Leah said as she let herself fully relax against you for the first time since the plane crash. “Always.”

NEXT

[a-writes3]

Wish You Were Sober Part Four (Fatin Jadmani x Reader)

The gif has nothing to do with the story i just think she’s pretty. Also some events may occur at different times than what happened in the show just because of the story i have in my head. I also wrote most of it at 1AM so it might not make total sense and spelling errors are expected. Enjoy. (Also please request things. Thank youuuu.)

*Italics are a flashback*

The night went by with barely any sleep but waking up in the arms of Fatin almost made up for it. All the girls had been awake by now and Dot was pestering everyone to get up and do something productive so that we don’t die. Almost everyone did except for Fatin who was being her usual self. The group had quickly become annoyed at Fatin doing nothing. She ended up walking away from the rest of the girls and off to the other side of the beach. The entire group decided this was their time to start making fun of her starting with Nora had begun an impression. Everyone else followed her and just made jokes and if they didn’t they were laughing at the others. I found myself becoming increasingly annoyed and mad at the group for the things they were saying and assuming about the girl i loved.

“Can you guys just stop?” Everyone looked at me in surprise since i had been very quiet the entire time we’ve been here. 

“We’re just joking around.” Nora says quietly.

“It’s not a joke unless it’s funny. You know, you guys talk a lot of shit about sticking together and girls sticking up for girls but then you go and you pull this? What? Because Fatin’s a girl who knows what she wants and likes to have sex every once in a while? I can almost guarantee that she is more selfless and loyal than any of you. And smarter than at least half of you. You know, she’s guaranteed to get into julliard the best performing arts school in the country and y’all are acting like she never worked hard for anything.” 

By now the girls were more guilty than shocked because they knew i had a point. I saw that they felt bad but i still continued.

“Yeah she may not be doing labor but i don’t blame her. Can’t you just appreciate what she’s given you? I mean who’s clothes are keeping you from freezing to death at night, huh?”

They just stay silent in an awkward silence but i was waiting for some kind of apology but was met with nothing so i just shook my head and walked into the woods.

“You guys are pathetic.” I say before walking away. 

Before i could get too far i came across Fatin who had a smirk on her face and had heard everything that had just went on.

“That was hot. You sticking up for me.” She said while pulling me towards her by my shirt and putting her arms around my neck. Looking into hers eyes you could see love in them but there was also a playful glint in them which i quickly caught on to.

“If you think that i’m gonna have sex with you in the woods than you’re wrong.”

She feigns hurt and puts her hang on her chest.

“I never said that.”

“You’re eyes say differently.” I say walking away into the woods. Fatin catches up to me and laces her fingers in between mine. 

“As much as i appreciated it, you didn’t have to go off on them for me. People will say what they say and i have know control over it.”

“It’s not okay. They assume things based on appearances. They don’t even know you.”

“Well a week earlier and you probably would’ve been saying the same thing.” 

“What’s that supposed to mean?” I step in front of her and let go of her hand.

“Nothing. Just-” She sighs. “You’ve said you’re fair share of hurtful things is all.”

“That was completely different situation Fatin.” 

“Look, I’m not trying to argue. I appreciate you sticking up for me truly. Just maybe tone down the aggressiveness. No need to fight for me.” She then walked back towards the other group. I end up following her. When we got back the girls were quiet and looking at me with wary eyes until Shelby proposes that we play a game. Never have i ever. It was going well untill Martha asks her question.

“Never have i ever fallen in love.”

Everyone except Rachel, Martha and Fatin takes a sip of their alcohol. Which shocked me seeing as Fatin had just confessed her love for me not too long ago. She looked at me as i was drinking and saw the hurt in my eyes but quickly looked down at the ground.

“As a follow up question, Never have i ever said I love you and not meant it.”

Unsurprisingly Fatin took a drink which left me wondering if it was about me one of her many other flings from the past.The game went by and i was increasingly overthinking everything as always.We all seperated to try and get some sleep for the night. I chose to stay up and stare at the ocean. Apparently i wasn’t the only one, Leah had taken a seat next to me in the sand. We used to be best friends until the incident with Jeff. We hadn’t spoken until we go onto the island.

“Are you okay? You seemed off all night.” She asked apprehensively, I’m guessing from the incident earlier.

“No, but i’ll get there.”

“If you wanna talk i’m here. I’m always up for spilling about feelings.”

I look at her and found myself trusting her. 

“Fatin.... We’ve had this friends with benefits thing going on for about a year and when the plane crashed she told me that she loved me. But then tonight she drank when the question was about lying about being in love with someone.”

“Fatin likes girls?” Leah looks surprised but when she sees my face she backtracks. “Sorry that’s not what this is about. I don’t really know much about love but maybe talk to her. Fatin seems pretty reasonable.”

I laugh humorlessly ,“Yeah, You must not know her very much. But that’s enough about me. What’s up with you? You haven’t seen very happy lately.”

“Got my heart broken. Lost all my friends. That’s about it.”

“I can relate to that partly. How about this? I’ll be your friend as long as you don’t talk about that stupid book.”

Leah smiles, “I think i can do that.” There was a pause. “You should get some rest.” She gets up and goes to lay down. I still stay up through the night looking out at the ocean and the stars and listening to the sounds of nature behind me. After a while i thought back a year to the first time I had met Fatin at a party.

I am sitting on some strangers couch drinking from a cup that was handed to me and filled with what i presumed was some cheap vodka and smoking weed that tasted like it costed 5 dollars but any high is something. I was sitting all alone until a gorgeous brunette girl sat down next to me. 

“What are you doing all alone?” She asks. The girl sees i’m not wanting to talk with strangers so she introduces herself. “Oh i’m Fatin by the way.” She gave me the most beautiful smile i’ve ever seen and i felt myself develop a small crush on the girl.

“Y/n.” I answer.

“Are you here with anyone? Boyfriend?” Fatin continues the conversation.

“No. I’m single and i don’t swing that way if you know what i mean.”

“Ah i see.” She smirks and i can see the flirtatious thoughts swirl in her mind. “How come i’ve never seen you around school?”

“Different crowds. Social statuses.”

“Hm,” She pauses to think and her eyes light up. “What do you say we get out of here and go to my house? Have some fun?” She raises her eyebrows.

I quickly understood what she was hinting at and agreed to the adventure. I didn’t have much to lose. The next morning i woke up in Fatin’s house with her telling me that i had to leave before her parents woke up which i did. On Monday i went to school and was only semi-surprised when she practically ignored my existence and against my better judgment i went up to her when she was alone. 

“Uh, Fatin.”

She looked up at me and rolled her eyes a little. 

“What do you what?” She asks with a slightly bitter tone.

“Can we talk about Saturday? What happened?”

“What happened was I got drunk and wanted to have fun. It was a one time thing. And with my one night stands i usually don’t speak to them after so let’s keep it that way.”

She walked away before i could say something. I would’ve believe her words had we not have hooked up countless times after that. I fell into her trap and couldn’t escape it.

I was pulled out of my thoughts by Nora walking up to me. Apparently the sun was starting to come up.

“Are you okay?” The girl says awkwardly.

I had then noticed that there were tears running down my face which i quickly wiped away. 

“Yeah, I’m fine.” I say not knowing if i was trying to convince Nora or myself.

“Are you sure? You’re crying.”

“I’m good. Really. Thank you though.”

She just smiled and walked away but she was followed by Fatin who sat down next to me and looked at my face but i didn’t have it in me to look back. 

“You’re not actually good are you? I mean you won’t even look at me.” I didn’t answer. “Did i do something wrong?” She asks with a hint of worry. I just shook my head and closed my eyes to prevent the tears from leaving my eyes again but i was unsuccessful. Fatin reacted by pulling me into a hug but i shrugged her off and started walking down the beach, confusing the other girls as well. Leah had walked after me. 

“Fatin really got to you, huh?”

“It’s not just Fatin. Remember when i took a break from school for a month in our freshman year?” Leah just nodded. “Well i was in a “Institution” apparently my depression is severe.”

“Does Fatin know?”

I shook my head. Leah had known about my mental health and how bad it had gotten but not about the hospitals or anything. 

“Is it bad again?” 

“Yeah.” Leah then came in for a hug which i gratefully accepted. We headed back to the group who was cautiously watching me. I sat down in the sand between Leah and Toni, who had an annoyed look on her face as usual. We all sat there and talked about our situation after a while everyone had broken off into seperate conversations. Fatin walked up to me.

“Can we talk?”

[gaytransbimbo]

ok were talking about the unsinkable 8 and gender? lets GOOOOOOO:

leah: she/they. as they get older, they shift to using mainly they/them, but on the island she mostly uses she/her or she/they (i cant decide)

dot: no pronoun preference. just doesnt wanna think about it. does really vibe with they/them though, and likes neutral descriptions

nora: he/she/they. gender is a social construct and nora could give fewer fucks.

fatin: she/her. she likes her connection to femininity, and likes her pronouns to reflect that.

martha: she/they. its more indifference to being a woman than a desire to be not a woman (if that makes sense) but she likes the freedom of she/they pronouns.

rachel: they/them. idk why bro they give me vibes. once nora comes out they take a step back and question if theyre really that connected to being a woman, and determine that they/them is more reflective of who they are (though is still ok with being called sister/daughter. once again idk why gender is weird i get vibes)

shelby: she/her. she experimented with adding they/them but ended up realizing that she likes her womanhood and the way it connects to her identity as a lesbian. still a little iffy about gender because its confusing, but is happy with she/her pronouns.

toni: they/them. they experimented as well, though much before shelby did, with adding he/him pronouns but determined that the masculinity of he/him pronouns made them uncomfortable. was VERY HAPPY when they discovered they/them pronouns, and the only reason that used she/they for a while until they realized that the she part felt bad and that they were holding onto it because they didnt know you could use they/them and still id as a lesbian

i like how you think 👀 i also really feel like nora would use some neopronouns as well. she woudl be like “literally say whatever you want i will judge you based on your creativity”

[cavehags]

I'm so happy u like the wilds i binged it v fast and thought it was great so I LOVE that people are talking about it. What would u want to see from season 2 if there is one?

yes this show was weirdly magnificent! and I HAVE A LOT OF THEORIES! under the cut!

so obviously we’re not going to follow the boys. we might see a little bit of their experiment but i really don’t think the show gives a shit about the boys. quite the contrary, i think season two is going to be more with the girls on the island and i have two theories of how that can happen. you can also mix-and-match them a little. 

1) we don’t know that gretchen’s team extracted the girls immediately after the shark attack. in fact, it’s unlikely. we don’t know how shelby’s head got shaved or why she’s on crutches. rachel’s arm is also healed quite thoroughly--although that could be a matter of making the visual more palatable, rather than a true indication of how long it’s been. in addition, rachel has also calmed down a lot, as if she’s had time to reflect on whatever ended up happening to nora. and we don’t know where martha is, nor is there an obvious explanation for why agent young would cry over her belongings (more on this later). i think it’s possible that in season two we’ll pick up immediately where we left off on the island after the shark attack, and interspersed with those scenes, continue with the later scenes at the facility after leah found the monitors, now knowing that those scenes, and the facility scenes we saw in s1, are still taking place an indeterminate time in the future. then maybe at the very end of the season, gretchen’s team does go in to extract them, and that finally bridges the two timelines, connecting us to the initial interview sequences we saw in 1x01. but by that time, the plot in the facility will have advanced too, and i don’t think gretchen is done experimenting on the girls--their parents planned for a whole summer and it’s been just over three weeks, or maybe a month now after the interrogations. i think there’s a world where she dumps them back on the island for what she called “phase 2.” i’m not sure what phase 2 is supposed to look like--maybe all the girls get clued into the nature of the experiment for this second round. or maybe this time, leah is the (unwilling) operative. either way, that sets up season three.

2) maybe gretchen’s team did extract the girls right after the shark attack. it would at least explain how rachel’s arm healed so well. but i still think the girls are going back to the island one way or another. we never see martha at the facility, and there are some signs (like agent young’s behavior) that she could be dead. but toni doesn’t talk about martha like she’s dead. so my second theory is that martha wasn’t recovered by the extraction team. for whatever reason--she just wasn’t around at the time or she fled or maybe gretchen left martha behind on purpose as part of the experiment. because as soon as leah figures out how to get out of the facility, she and the rest of the girls are ready to steal a boat and go back to rescue her. back to the island, but this time, of their own will. and then as soon as they get there, they’re stuck again, and that’s season two. just the knowledge that the girls would go back for one of their own is already a great piece of data for gretchen’s research. 

apart from those theories about the general plot, there are a lot of things we need to know. i need to know how toni and martha ended up attending the dawn of eve. i need to know what happened to shelby’s hair and legs, and what she’s doing when the agents say she’s dissociating. i’m very interested in agent young and his growing concern for the girls--more of him and his story please. and i NEED backstory on gretchen’s life before her divorce. also, i saw a theory that gretchen is the one who leaked leah’s birth certificate to jeff; i’m not sure if that holds water, since it seems most likely that leah’s parents signed her up for the “retreat” only after her accident and they probably found gretchen’s falsified ads for the program purely by chance, but i would like gretchen a lot more if that were true. whether it was her or not, we do need to know who closed the door with jeff. and of course we need to know what gretchen talked about with dot.

and things i just generally want to see: martha and leah connecting over their shared (yet very different--very very different) experiences of grooming; shelby growing more confident in rejecting her father and his religion; the contents of the “diagnosis” subfolder on gretchen’s files on leah; rachel adjusting to her disability; dot having a tantrum or a good cry. 

[low-budget-korra]

Comments on The Wilds

First of all, can't wait for season 2

I should have coment per episode but i just simply couldn't stop watching so this is probably going to get big

Leah: This is one of those shows were the other characters are way more interesting than the protagonist. Sorry but i just couldn't relate or connect with her.

I love flawed characters, characters who have internal struggle but c'mon. She was so annoying and selfish for like half of the show. She spends all season making mistakes and learning nothing from them.

Like, of course all her conspiracy theories turn out to be true because she is the protagonist... And honestly this isn't even the problem I just wish they had worked better on that because , per example, she accusing Shelby and all was so forced dude.

"oh but she was right" yes she was but they could have done this in a better way. Leah is a character in the story and not the audience watching the story, she doesn't know what we as audience know, but she keeping acting like she does.

Rachel: I love sports, i was once starting to actually become a athlete and I understand the pressure she was going through. Even when we have the best coach, the ones that are comprehensive and supportive, we still put pressure on ourselves. I know she was annoying at the beginning but different from Leah, she actually had a natural growth. The one thing that fells off was her avoiding the water out nowhere later in the season

Nora: So after Euphoria, Rue goes on a plane that crash's... sorry lmao, i just thought that her looked like Rue sometimes because of her hoody and gorgeous curly hair.

Anyway, girl step out of your sister shadow please? Also, i get that she worried about Rachel after all what happened with her but girrrl let your sister breath a little.

I didn't forgive her for dumping the cute science guy just because Rachel basically said so. They are so goddamn cute together. Fuck Devon and those frat dudes.

Dot: The MVP y'all. Let's be honest if it wasn't for her they would all be dead. One of the best character who had go through the type of thing that no one should have. I love how she naturally became the leader and mentor of the group, and damn she is good doing that.

Different from the others, her struggle is already "over" when they clash in the island, her growth was more about her relationships with the others, with her learning to respect and be friends with them.

Toni: We love a cute angry lesbian imma right? At first I didn't understand why she gets so jealous of Martha's but after we learned more about her backstory... Well, her best friend is quite literally all she had in the world. She clearly has some angry issues but she started to getting control of it during the season, which is great.

Oh, and fuck those assholes that harassed her and her girlfriend in the flashback. Toni was mad brave and stupid for trying to fight against those 3 assholes but i don't blame her, i would probably do the same.

Martha: I'm still digesting her backstory. I wasn't expecting that. Omg. It may be because I spend the late night watching the show (is like 6 in the morning here and I didn't sleep) but i not sure if she did or didn't get assaulted by that fucking evil trash. Because if she actually didn't lied in the court and he didn't touch her, this may explain why in the beginning of the season she was so like "why boys don't like me". But i think sadly it happened, for the way she was acting in the flashback I think something happened.

She is the total opposite of characters with that type of backstory. And I love it.

Fatin: Queen! I fucking loved her from the start and she doesn't disappointed me. I loved how she grows from the tipical bitchin rich girl from one of the nicest rich girl you could ever meet.

Her backstory is really sad and infuriating. Eat shit and live Fatin parents!

The girls almost dying in looking for her while she was probably just chilling in the waterfalls. And she proves to be a lgbt ally.

Shelby: I knew she was gay because I sensed her tension with Toni and this tension for some reason gived me the same "Alex Vause and Piper Chapman pissed at each other and about to have hate sex" vibe.

No only she had problem dealing with her sexuality, with her family being all religious and shit, she still probably carries the guilty for her best friend suicide. Damn.

Its been a while since a new show captured my attention like that.

[justdreamsstuff]

Here are 75 quotes about success to inspire you to keep pushing forward and achieve your dreams

"If you set your goals ridiculously high and it's a failure, you will fail above everyone else's success." James Cameron

"Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it." Henry David Thoreau

"Things work out best for those who make the best of how things work out." John Wooden

"Entrepreneurs average 3.8 failures before final success. What sets the successful ones apart is their amazing persistence." Lisa M. Amos

"If you are not willing to risk the usual, you will have to settle for the ordinary." Jim Rohn

"Take up one idea. Make that one idea your life--think of it, dream of it, live on that idea. Let the brain, muscles, nerves, every part of your body, be full of that idea, and just leave every other idea alone. This is the way to success." Swami Vivekananda

"Stop chasing the money and start chasing the passion." Tony Hsieh

"All our dreams can come true if we have the courage to pursue them." Walt Disney

"If you are willing to do more than you are paid to do, eventually you will be paid to do more than you do." Anonymous

"Success is walking from failure to failure with no loss of enthusiasm." Winston Churchill

"Whenever you see a successful person, you only see the public glories, never the private sacrifices to reach them." Vaibhav Shah

"Success? I don't know what that word means. I'm happy. But success, that goes back to what in somebody's eyes success means. For me, success is inner peace. That's a good day for me." Denzel Washington

"Opportunities don't happen. You create them." Chris Grosser

"Try not to become a person of success, but rather try to become a person of value." Albert Einstein

"It is not the strongest of the species that survive, nor the most intelligent, but the one most responsive to change." Charles Darwin

"Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people." Eleanor Roosevelt

"The best revenge is massive success." Frank Sinatra

"I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work." Thomas Edison

"A successful man is one who can lay a firm foundation with the bricks others have thrown at him." David Brinkley

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

"The whole secret of a successful life is to find out what is one's destiny to do, and then do it." Henry Ford

"If you're going through hell, keep going." Winston Churchill

"What seems to us as bitter trials are often blessings in disguise." Oscar Wilde

"The distance between insanity and genius is measured only by success." Bruce Feirstein

"Don't be afraid to give up the good to go for the great." John D. Rockefeller

"Happiness is a butterfly, which when pursued, is always beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you." Nathaniel Hawthorne

"If you can't explain it simply, you don't understand it well enough." Albert Einstein

"There are two types of people who will tell you that you cannot make a difference in this world: those who are afraid to try and those who are afraid you will succeed." Ray Goforth

"Start where you are. Use what you have. Do what you can." Arthur Ashe

"People ask, 'What's the best role you've ever played?' The next one." Kevin Kline

"I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have." Thomas Jefferson

"The starting point of all achievement is desire." Napoleon Hill

"Success is the sum of small efforts, repeated day-in and day-out." Robert Collier

"If you want to achieve excellence, you can get there today. As of this second, quit doing less-than-excellent work." Thomas J. Watson

"All progress takes place outside the comfort zone." Michael John Bobak

"You may only succeed if you desire succeeding; you may only fail if you do not mind failing." Philippos

"Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear--not absence of fear." Mark Twain

"Only put off until tomorrow what you are willing to die having left undone." Pablo Picasso

"We become what we think about most of the time, and that's the strangest secret." Earl Nightingale

"The only place where success comes before work is in the dictionary." Vidal Sassoon

"I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everyone." Bill Cosby

"Though no one can go back and make a brand-new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand-new ending." Carl Bard

"I find that when you have a real interest in life and a curious life, that sleep is not the most important thing." Martha Stewart

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." Mark Twain

"The first step toward success is taken when you refuse to be a captive of the environment in which you first find yourself." Mark Caine

"Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect." Mark Twain

"The successful warrior is the average man, with laser-like focus." Bruce Lee

"Rarely have I seen a situation where doing less than the other guy is a good strategy." Jimmy Spithill

"Keep on going, and the chances are that you will stumble on something, perhaps when you are least expecting it. I never heard of anyone ever stumbling on something sitting down." Charles F. Kettering

"If you genuinely want something, don't wait for it--teach yourself to be impatient." Gurbaksh Chahal

"You can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backward. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something--your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life." Steve Jobs

"If you want to make a permanent change, stop focusing on the size of your problems and start focusing on the size of you!" T. Harv Eker

"Successful people do what unsuccessful people are not willing to do. Don't wish it were easier; wish you were better." Jim Rohn

"The No. 1 reason people fail in life is because they listen to their friends, family, and neighbors." Napoleon Hill

"In my experience, there is only one motivation, and that is desire. No reasons or principle contain it or stand against it." Jane Smiley

"Success does not consist in never making mistakes but in never making the same one a second time." George Bernard Shaw

"I don't want to get to the end of my life and find that I lived just the length of it. I want to have lived the width of it as well." Diane Ackerman

"Motivation is what gets you started. Habit is what keeps you going." Jim Ryun

"Our greatest fear should not be of failure ... but of succeeding at things in life that don't really matter." Francis Chan

"If you don't design your own life plan, chances are you'll fall into someone else's plan. And guess what they have planned for you? Not much." Jim Rohn

"Nobody ever wrote down a plan to be broke, fat, lazy, or stupid. Those things are what happen when you don't have a plan." Larry Winget

"To be successful you must accept all challenges that come your way. You can't just accept the ones you like." Mike Gafka

"Be content to act, and leave the talking to others." Baltasar

"You may have to fight a battle more than once to win it." Margaret Thatcher

"Be patient with yourself. Self-growth is tender; it's holy ground. There's no greater investment." Stephen Covey

"I owe my success to having listened respectfully to the very best advice, and then going away and doing the exact opposite." G. K. Chesterton

"Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up." Thomas A. Edison

"The greater the artist, the greater the doubt. Perfect confidence is granted to the less talented as a consolation prize." Robert Hughes

"What would you attempt to do if you knew you would not fail?" Robert Schuller

"Always bear in mind that your own resolution to success is more important than any other one thing." Abraham Lincoln

"Successful and unsuccessful people do not vary greatly in their abilities. They vary in their desires to reach their potential." John Maxwell

"Would you like me to give you a formula for success? It's quite simple, really: Double your rate of failure. You are thinking of failure as the enemy of success. But it isn't at all. You can be discouraged by failure or you can learn from it, so go ahead and make mistakes. Make all you can. Because remember that's where you will find success." Thomas J. Watson

"Logic will get you from A to B. Imagination will take you everywhere." Albert Einstein

"Success is just a war of attrition. Sure, there's an element of talent you should probably possess. But if you just stick around long enough, eventually something is going to happen." Dax Shepard

"My tombstone? I'm thinking something along the lines of, 'Geez, he was just here a minute ago.'" George Carlin

[phantomchick]

List of wips - aka struggles

Call Me A Jason Todd fic I started two years ago and still go back to poke at longingly, will the second and final chapter ever be posted? Who can know for sure.

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I tell myself that I don't need Anyone (But the truth is no one needs Me) Another Jason Todd fic I haven't completed, posted two years ago for whumptober, it was the only day of whumptober I participated in, intended to be full of Captain Atom and Jason Todd interacting during the fall out of Bludhaven getting chemo'd but he doesn't show up in the first chapter and have you ever tried to read Infinite Crisis? It's a fucking mess. With this wip I have a close to justifiable excuse in that I refuse to write without knowing the canon, and reading through all the canon that's relevant is A Task.

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The Monster in The Man A Merlin fic floating around my drafts, currently at a good bit over 5k wherein Merlin gets POSSESSED by an old enchantment gone mad. Written because a Merlin fic I read ended on a horror style cliffhanger and I couldn't handle it so I charged my way through the first 2k of a sequel and I've been adding to it ever since. Angst with a hopefully happy ending, if I ever frikking finish it.

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The Dragon Lord In the aftermath of his father's death after Merlin inherits his father's dragon lord abilities he notices some minor changes to his interactions with his friends, the thing is that Merlin is a dragon lord and unusually what he hoards is people, things might just turn out the better for it.

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Maelstrom A Naruto time travel fix it fic that wouldn't leave me alone until I got the first chapter out, ironically it has left me entirely alone since I finished the first chapter and I have no idea if inspiration for it will ever return or when that will be.

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You Don't Know Anything Long long ago in a land of asks and a time of legend @paradise-runway sent me a fic request for "one where the other Bat boys find out the circumstances of Jason's death and resurrection and their reaction?" it has been lingering in my drafts haunting me ever since, someday, someday I shall fulfill what has been promised.

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Of Curses and Covenants A longfic exploring the magical underbelly of Gotham's history, focuses on the intertwined relationship of the Wayne Family and the Zatara Family brought about by how often Waynes through the generations have ended up being cursed. I have an index of all the curses ready, the problem with this one is the plot and the story.

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Vicki Finds a Bat (temporary title) Vicki Vale stumbles upon a still alive young adult Jason Todd at a wafflehouse on the way back from snooping into Cobblepot's latest criminal schemes. Convincing the young man to go back home to his loving father might prove more of a challenge than she thinks however. (will have a happy ending if I ever fucking finish it, for now it looms in my drafts like an unhappy gargoyle)

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Hug Deficit A fic about Jason being touch starved and his family fixing it, hurt/comfort all the way, post resurrection.

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Stephanie Brown and The Mansion of Man Pain Robin Era Steph, she and Alfred have pumpkin spice lattes together, it's their thing because I say it is. Includes, Alfred raised 5 boys counting Bruce, he's not sure how to handle a little girl and Bruce trying to dad plus Steph trying her best. Would be a lot easier to write if I was any good at comedy.

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Another Time, Another Place Some twenty years or so after their death, Martha and Thomas Wayne appear in the middle of Wayne Manor's ground floor parlour room, the major problem with this? Not only are Bruce and Dick away, Alfred's on holiday in England! Which is why Jason as the eldest has been unwillingly nominated by his younger siblings to deal with the situation at hand. Martha and Thomas in this are heavily inspired by @unpretty's amazing portrayals in her fics with them.

- Queen Blackfire and the Lazarus Lord An au with Soulmate identifying marks: Jason Todd was having an okay time as de-facto leader of The Outlaws, a band of misfits and rebels with hearts of gold (or at least silver) saving the world the best they could and filling in the gaps the more straightforward heroes tended to miss while they were at it. Then he found out he was soulmates with the Alien Warrior Queen bent on declaring war on planet Earth if the Justice League didn't find her soulmate for her. Things with his friend, team mate and potential future sister in law Kori just got super awkward and the only good thing he can find about this situation is how angry (and protective? But maybe he's just imagining that) Bruce seems over the whole thing.

Side note: Kommand'r freaked out during the years Jason was 'dead' and accidentally brought peace to a huge chunk of space and intergalactic society via building up her empire after throwing herself into work to escape the grief.

- To Grasp The Hand of a Fox Naruto and Kurama travel back in time to save the world but unfortunately they land in the same moment that Kurama's just been put under a genjutsu by Madara Uchiha, Naruto has to make his way to Konoha and wake Kurama up before the villagers seal him away inside Mito. Can he save his friend in time to save them all?

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Those Winter Sundays Mcu fic. Snapshots of Tony working hard for the avengers and no one noticing. Civil War Team Iron Man.

- Salvation Rides a Solar Wind Iron Man fic in a Science fiction / Western style fic where Tony's presence is described through the eyes of the aliens he helps. Au where the war with Thanos goes very differently. The type of fic that needs like 5 multi chapter fics in a single series to truly shine, hence why I will likely never finish it.

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And We Break Away Again Jason goes back to Talia after Damian is brought back from the dead by Bruce. It's not that he begrudges his little brother his resurrection, the opposite, but he can't ignore what Bruce did to him by taking him to the magdala valley and he can't ignore what Bruce doing for Damian what he didn't do for him, (do for Dick, do for any of them besides the blood related one) means. So he decides to go back to the only person who ever seemed to understand why he wanted to avenge himself in the first place, the only person who seemed to agree that he had a right to be angry that he'd died at all, the only person he can trust to hold him together while he feels like he's falling apart that won't judge him against the heroic mold while they're at it. Not sure if this will be a oneshot or a series but we're going good Talia with this one regardless, DC's been ruining her lately but through fanfic all things are possible so fuck them.

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Fan The Flames In the aftermath of a magical fire taking hold of the Daily Planet in Metropolis, Superman is missing, can Batman and the rest of the Justice League find their friend as well as the identity of the evil arsonist before Lex Luther does it first?

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In a Whisper (In a Wish) Ichigo Kurosaki protects people, it's not just who he is, it's what he is, down to the core of his very soul. The only problem is, that a few weeks ago he sacrificed half his soul to protect the world. It aches inside where he knows something important used to be. When everyone he cares for is avoiding him and he's starting to feel more like a shadow than a person, that aches at him too and he can't help but wish, quietly, privately, painfully, to himself if no one else that things were different, that he wasn't so broken or so alone. But if wishes were fishes they'd fill a whole sea (just be careful not to whisper them within the hearing range of the Hōgyoku).

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An Honest Conversation (Is A Bitter Thing To Crave) Jason kidnaps Bruce but things don't go as Bruce expects. First of all the reason Jason was able to kidnap him was because Stephanie of all people was his insider, why would she support someone Batman knows she's only met once. And second of all the reason he's been abducted - So that Jason can drug them both with the same substance. And when Bruce asks what he's doing this for Jason only responds, "We don't trust each other enough to have a truthful conversation otherwise" and refuses to say anything more while they wait for it to kick in. What will be revealed by this forced honest encounter on both sides? -

carrying the world on thin shoulders Midoriya Izuku deserves better from literally all the adults in his life so this is part whump part hurt comfort part fix it fic that sprawls out from time to time but it's pretty bad tbh, at some point I'll probably make it neater and give it something resembling a coherent plot. Hopefully. -

Trust Issues HP fic. Harry gets dosed with a potion that's supposed to reinforce your strongest survival instinct, the person who drugged him might've intended to be helpful but said potion happened to be at extra strength and he was given what would be a normal fix for the regular version but for this one is twice the recommended amount. Great.. The biggest problem about all this - beyond his internationally wanted godfather Sirius endangering himself by hiding out in a cave near Hogsmeade against all rational advice, his best friend Ron hating him, everyone in school besides his other best friend Hermione also hating him or avoiding him and the entire Goblet of Fire problem - is that he can't bring himself to trust anyone enough to tell them what's wrong.

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Truth is Treason in the Empire of Lies A post marvel avengers story, thor pov probably, made because I like to dive into a pool of thor & loki sibling feels sometimes: Starts off as Thor regales his new human shield brothers with the story of his banishment and return to Asgard ending with Loki falling into the Void and the Avengers have some questions, questions Thor had not thought of, remarks on things that Thor doesn’t know how to explain away.  After he goes to Loki’s cell and asks him some things he becomes more and more angry despite having no one he can punch > Gets drunk and criticises Sif and The Warriors Three after they try to calm him down > mention of Loki still being underage by Aesir standards during Thor 1 seeing as Thor was being crowned due to being of age in the movie > heavy inspiration drawn from queen regnant by peaceheather. “For while the Treason I detest, the Traitor I love still.” Currently just an outline.

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Separation Split personality disorder Red Hood and Jason Todd, alternatively, Red Hood is a demon/parasite latched on to Jay. A lot of work necessary considering right now it’s currently just an idea inspired by a cool tumblr fanart.

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A Trinity of Head Wounds The dcu trinity in the aftermath of a fight against some alien invaders (or something along those lines), whump, hurt/comfort, starts with them arguing, ends with them bleeding on each other in a friendship way, whole thing should take place in a single room on the watchtower and be a oneshot so it's gotta be a short and sweet one-two gut punch with the feelings which is difficuuult.

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A Stark in The Stars an mcu fic, a really over complicated mcu fic, mostly because of Steve Roger's timeline fuckery, Tony's alive but he's not supposed to be, but so are a lot of people who were dead but aren't now you might say what with the snap and the blip. The thing is that Steve's timeline fuckery is making it so that everyone keeps getting confused between the two different timelines of events, obviously more confused the more that their characters were connected to the films/the events that were altered, the punchline of this particular fic though is that Tony's still alive and he's unaware of the timeline of events where he died. And as he's currently in space he's also unaware that everyone on Earth thinks he's dead (because why wouldn't they? he died in endgame after all). That makes this fic super tough to write because like ultimate unreliable narrator right here and not sure how to tie in the whole 'oh wait actually everyone on Earth thinks I'm dead because of the canon timelines' thing in or at what point of the story to do that at. The fuckery of it all gives me a headache. Plot is hard. Also all of that's basically background to the actual focus of most of the fic thus far which is Tony travelling around space in an Iron Man suit up until the point where it won't be background.

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Magic Chained Merlin au. When you put magic restraining cuffs on Magic himself you don't just bind him you bind all magic the world over. It is therefore, infinitely lucky that Uther Pendragon never became aware of this fact.

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A Child in The Cold bnha Midoriya deserves better also Recovery Girl and Aizawa have shit to answer for as far as I'm concerned.

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[somefightsjustgetyoubloody]

I watched The Wilds on amazon and I’ve got some thoughts. 

Long post and spoilers for The Wilds 2020

I want to start off by saying I do like the show and I will definitely be watching season two. This isn’t meant to be me hating on the whole show but I have major problems with how they chose to end this season. Did they just forget to make a finale?

I’ve never seen a show bank so hard on getting a second season. I really liked everything up until realizing that was the last episode now, it’s annoying me so much. There was no proper finale for the season and it left way too many unanswered questions. That cliffhanger is just too big. A shark attack, and Leah escaping, and Shelby going into shock, and not knowing what happened to Nora and Martha, and finding out about a second group, AND WE DON’T EVEN KNOW HOW THEY GOT OFF THE ISLAND????

Here’s all my unanswered questions in no particular order:

1. Who sent Leah’s birth certificate to Jeff? Did I miss the answer to this one? Was it that boy that had a crush on Leah? It thought it wasn’t him and that it was left a mystery but maybe I missed the answer. It seems weird to leave this one unanswered, it’s relatively minor to the whole plot and could have given us some good pay off and add to Leah’s backstory. Saving this one for season two just unnecessarily draws out that part of the Leah/Jeff plot.

2. Is Nora dead? How does she die? Maybe while saving Rachel, or maybe she’s still alive and just not a part of the interview things because she was in on it, but if she’s alive I don’t know why they would have been going through her journals instead of interviewing her, and Rachel had that “do my parents know about Nora?” line. 

3. Is Martha dead? How did she die? She really didn’t seem to be in any danger. She didn’t have big issues with anyone.

4. What happened to Shelby to make her snap so bad? If they had gotten rescued after seeing the plane I would have understood why Shelby is like that in the quarantine facility but she seemed to get better and start accepting herself by the end. More dramatic stuff must have happened to get Shelby to the point she’s at now but not giving us more hints is a let down. The psychiatrists said something about Shelby experiencing dissociative episodes and angry outbursts and “it’s hard to interview her when we don’t know which one we’ll be getting” implying multiple personalities maybe?? (I don’t know the right way to phrase that, I think they did say she has DID). And what happened to her foot? Was there a big fight that she was involved in?

5. Why was Shelby sick at the end? The nurse said she was going into anaphylactic shock. We know she’s allergic to shellfish (I think she was telling the truth about that), did someone slip her shellfish? Was she poisoned or did her and Leah somehow orchestrate it so Leah could get out?

6. Are we supposed to care about the guys camp? I don’t and it wasn’t a big shock that they were running a boys camp. That shouldn’t have been the big reveal at the end. They better not try to make us give a shit about the boys camp next season. One of the big reasons I started The Wilds was because it was all girls. I truly do not give a shit about what the boys are up to. We don’t need to see another version of Lord of The Flies to remind us that men act like men.

7. How did Toni and Martha get on the retreat? Were they recruited like Dot was, did they get the trip as some kind of charity, or did Martha’s parents pay for them to go on this trip?

8. Why was Shelby sent on this trip instead of getting her teeth implants? 

9. How much did the parents know? I have to think they didn’t know their kids would be stranded on a deserted island, none on them seem that awful. But I get the feeling they knew more than they told their kids. The kids were told the trip was only going to be like what? Two weeks? I never got a firm grasp on how long the kids thought the trip was going to be. Leah’s parents knew it would be a long trip though. We saw that video chat they had with Gretchen where Gretchen said they would talk again in two weeks. 

10. Did the parents pay for this? I don’t think Toni and Martha paid for the trip, but Fatin and Leah’s parents don’t seem like the kind of parents to send their daughters on random free trips. 

11. How much did Fatin’s parents know about this? It seemed weird to me that they would send her on a ‘girls retreat’ before sending her to a “strict traditional muslim boarding school’. Maybe they didn’t know and just picked the eve trip randomly to get her out of the house. I really don’t like her parents. 

12. What’s up with Shelby’s father? I get he’s a super christian homophobe but what’s the deal with that breakfast scene? Dumping the cereal in the trash and those tense looks between Shelby and her mom

13. How much did Dot and her Dad know in advance? I don’t think her dad would have signed her up for this if he knew but he definitely knew something. What was Dot told beforehand? Did Gretchen tell Dot she would get paid for being a spy at a girls camp or something?

14. How and when did they get rescued? Wtf happened between the shark attack and the quarantine facility. Did Gretchen pull them because it got too bad? Did they get rescued because of the shark attack? Did Gretchen’s team pretend to be rescuers when they picked up the girls? I’m assuming Rachel lost her hand to the shark and Nora died and then they all got rescued before Leah could prove that Nora was in on it, but maybe the shark attack wasn’t that bad and Gretchen left them on the island longer and Martha died. Maybe Leah or Shelby killed Nora and Rachel lost her hand while trying to stop it. 

15. What happens when they get off the island for good? Do they have to return to normal life? Will Fatin’s parents still try to send her to boarding school? How could Gretchen possibly think she would be able to prevent all of them and their families from going public? 

These are too many questions to be left unanswered. It’s unsatisfying. We’re just left hanging until season two comes out IN A YEAR OR MORE.