#and the scariness of loving people we know we are destined to lose because we are all mortal

[befuddledcinnamonroll]

My heart.

[poemnic-tarot]

Light & Shadow. What part of yourself you cannot see?

1 -2

3-4

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(Disclaimer : This is a general reading please only take what resonate. For entertainment purposes only)

Pile 1🪲

Light: Buffalo, Son of Pentacle. “I haven't met all of me yet"

"It was never a question of biology of nature or nurture. I know now that we healed up through being loved and through loving others"

Light side that you don't see about yourself Pile 1, is that you are a slow and steady win the race kind of person. This trait is very admirable because whereas a lot of people would have get impatient and give up. You slow and steadily and patiently work toward what you want. Your trust in yourself and where you can go is unmatched. Your faith in your abilities, skills and the Divine is quite rare and extremely admirable.

You know deep within your heart that in order to grow a flower you must tend to it consistently, diligently and with love and care. We grow more beautiful where we are loved. You know that in order to be successful in your ventures (whether it's career, hobbies or relationships) it does need hard work, consistently and most importantly, faith in your own ability to make it work. And you have it, you have this faith in yourself that you might not realised.

You are also a very loyal person whether to people you considered your people or even to a particular place, or brand. You are a person who does not give up easily (especially in relationship). When someone need a reassurance or help solving a problem, they would definitely come to you Pile 1, because whether you know it or not a lot of people think of you first when they come across an impossible challenge. They would go "oh Pile 1 can definitely do it". This is not in a "I'm going to used Pile 1 to solve my problem for me" kind of way, but in a more, admirable for your skill, talent and your ability to overcome any impossible challenges. However, there is no obligation for you to help someone if you do not want to. But this is what your light side want to say to you that you have not been noticing.

"We are hard to kill, hard to defeat, our faith in the heaven and ourselves is unrivalled. We alway get what we want eventually and people trust us completely and they are right to because any challenges coming our way will be inevitably defeated. So trust in our ability to walk through mud and dark forest."

"I trust myself to go through hell because I trust myself to get out"

The word to describe your light side is Persistent. Which means it will never die. And that’s really scary to be honest. Persistently shining no matter what come at it.

Poems : Revaluation by @cant-find-my-name

There’s alway going to be a losing battle

It’s an inevitable encounter

But that doesn’t mean you should

Lose hope,

Failure doesn’t alway mean the end

As long as you’re breathing

You can still follow

The string of rope

That has alway been tied to you

And your fated destination…..

Song: The Rumbling by SiM

Shadow : Fire ant, 7 of swords. “This moment will just be another story someday"

Where there's light, there will alway be a shadow. One cannot exist without the other. Pile 1, your shadow side that you cannot see is that you tend to not be as discerning as you could have been about what you're getting into or committed to. You are a very committed person, hard to give up when you're decided to do something, but that also means, you can get stuck on a situation or promises that you can't fulfil. Or can fulfil but at your own expense and that can indicate a poor discernment on whether what you are committing to is worth it or not. Whether what you're committing to is a person, a job, or even a hobbies, a brand etc, bring you nothing but drama, headaches, negativity, gossips, overall not good energy.You might have to ask yourself, 'why do I feel like I need to be loyal to these kind of people, places, brands, etc?'. When all you get in return is anything but peace.

Your shadow self urges you to be very discern on who you share your secret or even your goals with because they might not have the best intention. Even if you think there's no harm in sharing them, or because you're very passionate and excited to share your ideas.Your shadow urges you to protect them for a while, unless, rumours will spreads and your name will be at the centre. Not in a good way. Your shadow have a tendency to overshare and spreads informations that you, yourself are still unsure about. You might think it's fine, no big deal but your words are quite powerful and people tend to listen to you and take your words seriously, so please be extra careful on what you are saying about other people and about yourself. Because weirdly, people tend to remember what you said to them or about them distinctly.

Poem: You wish by @cant-find-my-name

…….. You hated my wings

You aimed and try

To shoot it down

Too many times

But miss and then

It hit

And we both were surprised

To find a phoenix

Rising from ashes

Once again, the dead did not collect

However much

You Wish

Songs : Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush

Book : Focus by Daniel Goldman

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Pile 2🌻

Light : Dragon, 4 of Pentacles. “And when tomorrow comes, you'll call it today. Time remains an illusory play."

Pile 2, What you did not see about your light side is that, you are quite a powerful person, specifically a powerful manifestor. I get a feeling that there's nothing you cannot manifest. As well as, you are extremely intuitive, even psychic. You can sense and see illusions, and things ordinary person would not be able to even comprehend. You have quite a skill and a good grasp of concept of realms and dimensions, and you are not even just powerful here in the 3D, but it seems you are quite active in many places/realms/realities/dimensions. Your light is strong, wide spreads. You see all, no lies or illusion can go passed you. It would be hard to fool or scam you Pile 2.

Your light side that you cannot see, yet, is that it can create something from nothing. Entrepreneurial vibes, build something up from the ground, from your own will power alone. And you have scarily good instinct Pile 2. Your success, in the materials world come from your own ideas and intuition. Never underestimate what you feel, even without proof, because almost, alway, you were right. It would be hard to play or even attack you Pile 2, not even just in the 3D, but also you are extremely aware in all realms/realities/dream realms, etc. One word to describe your light side is "Omnipotent",see all. Trust what you see or feels because that's your light speaking to you.

You also have extremely good self-control. It's hard to budge you from your goal, on what you decided to go for. Example, when you say you're not going to drink for a month, you won't. No amount of temptation or cajoling would break you down. Even when you attended a party full of alcohol. You still did not lose self control. This is one of the light side that you might not realised is within you Pile 2. Your light side is very protected of you, whether you know it or not, nothing can get pass you.

Poem : Hidden strength by @cant-find-my-name

My heart is brave but my mind is not

How can I make my intrusive thoughts

Stop.

Red flag, red light, demonise

Why do I think that everyone is a devil in disguise

Why can’t I believe in goodness

Kind heart, My angels, my spirit guides

I need more trust in me

I don’t want to be stuck

With my shadow for what seem like Eternity,

Kindness, kind heart, innocent,

That was all I am

Why can’t I see that I’m strong?

Strong enough to banish what doesn’t

Belong.

Song: Rainbow by Kacey Musgraves

Shadow side : Horse, 2 of Swords, “To tell the different between the absence of treatment opposed to the evidence of mistreatment"

"You don't notice your progress in life because you are alway raising the bar"

Pile 2, a shadow side that you did not see is that you tend to be extremely hard on yourself. Expect yourself to alway be doing something, anything. Achieving things, finishing one goal and what's next?. Alway planning the next steps ahead without taking the time to reflect and truly think on why you need to fulfil that particular goal so bad. This shadow trait love to watch you go way past your limit. Push yourself over the edge for something that doesn't fulfil you truly. Maybe reevaluate your priory, examine your list/tasks that you deemed important and see if self-care, relaxation is on that list. Because it is important for you to be doing nothing, to have fun doing absolutely nothing. It would be quite dangerous for you to be so concentrated on the material world, because it is a black hole where when one has fallen down, it's nearly impossible to come back up. Your shadow trait want you to questioned and reflect on, what do you consider to be 'true wealth'?.

Pile 2, sometimes you go too far, do almost anything to achieve your goals and watch out for that. When you found yourself compromising your integrity and personal values to get what you want. Then it's really time to reevaluate your priority.

Poem: Plateau Fever by @cant-find-my-name

Can you promise me something?

Let me be happy, give me my peace

As I learned my lesson

Nothing was taken

But nothing was given either

And I’m here flowing

Stuck in this Plateau Fever

Never dream of betterness

Thought it was impossible

A star too far to grab

Now my mindset is shifting

Now I believe in the better

I know goodness

They do last

Song : My Little Love by Adele

Book : Circe by Madeline Miller

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Pile 3🪁

Light : Lamb, Son of Pentacles. "And there will be nights when your life will fall apart and no one will notice the morning you spent putting it back together"

(Quite similar to Pile 1, might want to check it out)

Pile 3, Light side of yourself you cannot see is that you are a very honest person. Trust worthy and have a strong integrity. People can/ tend to trust you with their delicate secret, such as, their credit card number, affairs etc. That is how trust worthy you are. You are also a grounded person, lots of earth energy. People feel safe and protected around you pile 3, like you have their back and are extremely reliable, especially in an emergency. They know to trust you to tell them the truth, tell them like how it is, even if it's not pleasant to do so. "Truth is a gift", and your light side is like a gift to the people. Precious, special, delicate but not fragile.

You are also very determined and patient. Slow and steady win the race kind of person. You are a type to bring support, lift people up and contribute in a big way into people lives, not adding drama, troubles or headaches. Life is easier for people, with you in their life Pile 3. You are very patient and consistent in every area of your life, work, friendship, hobbies, etc. People know what to expect from you and that is a good thing because this light trait of yours make people feel a sense of stability, predictability, and reliability. You have this consistency in your character which make people trust quite easily. "I know pile 3 will come prepare, or Pile 3 will alway have my back."

Your light side or maybe physical vessel might seem delicate but people would be shocked with how much you can endured or how much you had gone through pile 3.People would never guess that you had such a hard time because you come across as someone who have everything in order and there is nothing that is wrong in your life. But that just how you come across, even in your energy, but that is not necessary the truth. The truth is Pile 3, you went to shit, hell and back and able to make it look easy and effortless. Just another day in the office. But if people were to be in your position they would be shocked in how much you have to carried on your shoulders (traumas wise), and surprised by how light you still are, despite what you went through?. It's a mystery to the people and a testament to your strength.

Your light side is strong Pile 3, but in a way that's unexpected. You are strong in your honesty, vulnerability, your conviction and your ability to stand your ground. Your light side can get you through any bad situations and come out on top, come out still you, every time.(Pure) Because whereas most people would give up, you continue to step forward, step by step, consistently, no matter the weathers. That is why people trust you so much because they know you will alway show up no matter what, for them, for yourself, for justice.

Poem : The Truth Doesn’t Sell by @cant-find-my-name

No sooner or later

You’d notice an elephant in the

Living room

The clouds obscuring the

Moon

Plants growing between concrete

Your silence spreads

Like deadly diseases……

(See full poem at @cant-find-my-name )

Song: Back to You by Flower Face

Shadow: High Priestess/Octopus. "When you love what you have, you have everything"

Pile 3

You got a major arcana (High Priestess) as your shadow self. This means that you got a major part of your self hidden in the shadow that you haven't been brought to light, yet. This side of you have an extremely strong intuition but you tend to ignore it. This side of you seem to questioned the intangible, the magic, the sprit side of thing. The things that cannot be proven, which means it's not real right?. Sometime the truth is in the feeling Pile 3,no need to touch it, cause you can't touch emotions but emotions are very real even though it's not tangible. This shadow side find it hard to trust in the unknown. You can trust hard work, day to day, the result from it, but a miracle that strike like lightning and made no sense and come from no where?, No way!. This shadow side of yours find it hard to have faith in the Divine. It is so attached and stuck in the 3D. Maybe too focused on what you can see, and ignore the sighs from your very strong, very real intuition, where you have to closed your eyes to see. Not everything that you think you need is in the 3D will bring that sense of security you are alway chasing.This shadow trait of yours, Pile 3, would have you work extra hard, extra diligent to get that promotion, that car, that house because you think you need it in order to feel secure and safe in this world. But true security comes from within, it come from connection within ourselves first and foremost and the connection between you and the source/Divine.That is the true security where it will truly make you feel safe in this world, the ability to trust one’s own intuition and something bigger than us.

Whenever you feel the need to chase that achievement in order to feel secure, sit still and connect with your own intuition because it would tell you to stop looking externally. It would tell you that you are enough as you are. You are the person you can love 100%.Your shadow self want you to trust in something bigger than yourself more.

Poem: Guiding light by @cant-find-my-name

Walk with me

Take my hand

I’ll guide you to where I am

Passing hidden memories

The illusion that drown out the

Objectivity.

I’ll replace it back to you

And show you the Objective truth….

(See full poem at @cant-find-my-name )

Song : Two by sleeping at last

Book : Wisdom of insecurity by Alan Watts

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Pile 4🥨

Light: Crocodile/Ace of Pentacles."People liked to focus on the things they couldn't have"

Pile 4, your light side is very patient, wise and observant. You have great inner discernment and wisdom to know what actually really matter. What is truly important. You know where to focus on to achieve your goals or to even be in a fulfilment/peaceful state in life. You know what to focus on in your life, which is the positive side of life. You take your time before you rush into things. Impulsiveness is not in your vocabulary. You need to observe and gather important information in order to make your move on anywhere or anything, whether that is a project, relationships. You might be good in investment, or a start up because you have the characteristic for it. Example, where people would focus on the profit, fame, status of entrepreneurialship. However, your light side know what to focus on, which is what is truly most important in life, the service, how can your business serve your community. How can we be of service to this earth, the humanity?.These are the big question your light side have an eyes for. You can see the whole picture, while most people only focused on themselves and what they can gain. Pile 4, you would make a stable, consistent leader. It's hard for you to succumb to instant gratification, you would be surprise how much you can hold back more than average on instant gratification,when you know the wait is worth it.Example, you won't buy a cheap furniture right now and saved and invested in a good quality ones where it will last you longer. Your ability to wait to strike when the timing is right is a strength you might not notice about your self because it just comes naturally to you, and Pile 4, when you strike at something, you never miss.

Poem: Kindness win by @cant-find-my-name

How kind of you to smile when you rather

Not

How kind of you to say ‘sorry’ first

How kind of you to notice unhappiness

In someone

How kind of you to hold the door

Open,

Every little gestures count

The impact life changing sometime

And you may never notice

How kind you are or the choices you made

Were kind……..

Song : come back home by BTS

Shadow: Horse/Justice."What suffering is behind your anger?"

Pile 4, your shadow side that you might not see is that you have more choices than you think. There might have been a limited mindset or limited viewpoint that you have.You might be unconsciously believed that your choice is limited. Your shadow side believes, that true freedom doesn't really exist. There has to be sacrifice, alway. There is no such things as true freedom. This side of yours feel limited, caged in, like you have to choose this or that and one is right and one is wrong, so you better choose the right one. Pile 4, the world is not black or white. There are truly no right or wrong choice for you to make, just one where it would benefit you or benefit others. Some choice might be right and seems wrong and vice versa, and some choices can be both. It's not neither or, it either and. I think this side of your feel that it has been making choices/ choosing a path that might have been benefiting others more than yourself, to the point of imbalance. Where it cannot helped but feel resentment towards others even though it was your own choice to do so. Example, I want to go for that promotion but since this co-worker of mine also want to, I choose not to and give it to them instead because they need it more?, something like that. And this side of yours that really want to go for that promotion wondered why can't we strive for it?, for our goals?, for ourselves.

Why do we have to make a choice benefiting others but not us?, what about us?. Why we need to hold back our momentum because of others?. Your shadow want you to run free, especially with your choices, express your wants and needs more. Want to dye your hair red?, go for it, no need to think if that person will approve of it or not. It is not their decision to make but yours. Go for what you aim for without the need to see if everyone is okay with it or not. You will find your buried anger/resentment will be abated after you acknowledge this shadow trait of yours, notice when you tend to hold back even to your own detriment, example, not confessing your feeling for A because you know B likes A, so you would give your way to B. Say it for yourself, do it for you. And F other people for once.

Poem: Show me by @cant-find-my-name

Surely, I must be sick

On the verge of death

The longing so deep

So agonising

Yearning for a miracle to exist

Or else, all my ability to feel

Will simply perish

I’ve lived on this earth

For far too long

To not be falling in love

Or be loved in return……

Song : Signs of the time by Harry Styles

Book : Atomic Habits by James Clear

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Thank you so much for reading!. If this resonate please leave a tip if you like. See you soon!

Check out @cant-find-my-name for more of my original poetry

[pocketgalaxies]

wrote a transcript for the imodna conversation below for your/my/everyone's convenience:

I: Hey.

L: Hi.

I: I don't–are you sleeping?

L: No. I was just staring at the wall with my eyes open.

I: Um...big night.

L: How are you feeling?

I: Um......good?

L: You don't have to lie to me.

I: No, I know, yeah, no, it's terrible. I mean, this is scary as hell.

L: Yeah. I'm worried about you.

I: Yeah.

L: This is a lot.

I: Yeah. I feel like, um...I dunno, like I haven't talked to you in a while.

L: Well, we've been busy.

I: No, I know, I know. I just, um...I dunno, since you–since you came back, I've been almost scared to say anything.

L: Say what?

I: ...

I: We want this. Right? We want to do this.

L: Preventing a god-eating god...

I: It's not good.

L: I understand the appeals of how it all sounds. I don't think there's anything wrong in considering what could be with that type of change. I really don't. What makes me nervous about all of it is the unknown unknowns. It's the...the things that we could lose as the cost of some sort of perceived freedom.

I: Yeah. If it takes away all of our, uh...our magic. Anything gifted to us from something greater. Yeah.

L: We still have the chance to live a normal life. If you wish to have a quiet life in a cozy cottage in a field, raise horses, and just be. No gods or fates or destiny can keep you from that. Can keep us from that. The gods have never kept us from our ability to have choice.

I: Yeah.

L: You have a choice. A very difficult one. But that is just as much of a real power as your abilities to fly or speak in people's minds. If anything, it is the most important power that you possess. Don't let them get in your head or try and claim otherwise.

I: Yeah. All right.

L: I know we haven't talked much here recently, but I think in a way, it's just...I feel so comfortable and so bonded with you, and...we transcend words, our relationship. You'll always have me. I'll always be there to support you.

I: Okay.

L: No matter what you choose. And you don't have to make these choices alone.

I: [I give her a hug.] I love you so much.

L: I love you more than anything.

L: You know, I had an amusing conversation with Ashton the other night. And they asked, or commented, about how odd it is that I'm the more grounded and secure one.

I: Between the two of y'all?

L: Mhm.

I: *laughs* Yeah.

L: I think it's because...I feel like I have a strong foundation. And that's you.

I: Yeah.

L: It's you and the rest of these...crazy borderline murderhobos.

I: *laughs* Yeah. You're my tether, Laudna. Sometimes I feel like I'm about to float away, but as long as you're there...

L: You quite literally pulled me from darkness and death. That tether goes beyond this realm and this life.

L: You've got this.

I: We've got this.

L: You're very capable.

I: *laughs, nods* Yeah. My mom was trying to show me a world that would, um, would be freeing, if I just went back to being normal. But...I feel like......I feel like our weirdness is what makes us right. Is that dumb?

L: Not at all.

I: This locket, it says "the better halves make a better whole." You have to love it all.

L: I don't mind being your better half!

I: *laughs*

L: And I think you're absolutely right. Look at us, do you really think we're destined for "normalcy"?

I: No. No.

L: That's boring anyway.

I: These weirdos are gonna get shit done.

L: Hell yeah we do.

I: All right.

L: Wanna cuddle up?

I: Yeah. Yeah.

[controversial-blorbo-bracket]

Rant/propaganda for Gamzee Makara! Because he is just. Such a character. Vague but major spoilers ahead!

Also for the record I pretend the Homestuck epilogues and sequel don’t exist because they suck. Yes I am aware of what happens in there. No I am not factoring it into my opinions on Gamzee. It does not exist to me. It feels like the writers just trying to go “gotcha!!!!1!!1” to Gamzee fans. I hate it.

Anyway.

First things first, what people need to know is that Gamzee started out as just a silly joke character parodying juggalos. Then Andrew Hussie decided to make him Very Important! (The narrative pretty much states as much…although there’s some debate as to whether the statement of “Very Important” should be applied to Gamzee or another…sort-of character in the same picture.). Aaaaaand then shortly after, Hussie decided he hated Gamzee, ultimately very literally fridging him. Twice.

The thing is, because of the weird changes in focus on Gamzee, we get very, very little of what’s actually going through his head once he makes the switch from weird silly friend to the protagonists to Very Important scary murder clown. Things we do know are this: he’s 13 to 16 years old over the course of the main comic, he’s very religious, he was severely neglected by his parental figure to the point that he developed a drug addiction, he’s supposed to be a murder clown near the top of the caste system according to his religion and said caste system but instead he’s super chill up until another character accidentally destroys his faith in his religion (even after running out of his drug of choice he’s chill, to be clear, since some people like to say he was only chill because of the drug), and his turn to Actual Murder Clown is also around the time everything else is going to shit. It’s also when we almost entirely lose track of what’s going through his head. There’s also some very dubious manipulative characters, cult-y stuff, and mind control involved, either in the turn itself or in his narrative later on.

He definitely ends up doing some pretty terrible things: partner abuse, psychological manipulation, murdering some of his friends, helping to ruin an entire timeline, helping a god destined to destroy everything. He also ends up dying horribly…or possibly living in pieces, depending on how legitimate you think that one statement about him never dying in any timeline is.

Ultimately I interpret him as a messed up kid who gets caught up in religious/cult bullshit and severe untreated mental illness and is manipulated and convinced into doing terrible things in the name of his god, ultimately sacrificing everything—his friends, his autonomy, his very soul—to the god he worships and serves for the sake of having a purpose. I find him a very fascinating and tragic character, and love him dearly.

I understand why a lot of people hate him (see again the list of terrible things he’s done, and the bs going on in the epilogues/sequel), but also a lot of people seem to boil him down to “crazy drug-abusing murder clown who should be locked up/drugged so he doesn’t hurt anyone” which…one, is ableist as hell, and two, just ignores how much else is going on with him. Like yeah, you have to really pay attention to details to get a lot of what’s going on with him, but please. He’s so much more interesting when you do.

Anyway, I hope maybe this has helped some people see him a little differently, whether they love him or hate him or just don’t care. Thanks for the opportunity to rant, and for running this bracket!

[afarcryfrommymain]

Far Cry OC Tournament Round 1b: Brittany "Brit" Seed v Charlie Berger

Info and voting under the cut!

Brittany "Brit" Seed (@henbased)

About: we all know about joseph's daughter, dead shortly after birth. well she lived. her name is brit. grew up in the system and bounced around homes until finally turning 18 and dropping out of highschool, and we pick up not long after, at most a handful of years. she's not doing so great. no job, a drug addiction, and some demons she's running away from on her high speed get-outta-dodge road trip she takes with her two foster sisters to hope county, montana, to see the dad she never knew and do a little soul searching. have an identity crisis. relapse. the concept of josephs daughter being the exact type of person edens gate preys upon is really captivates me. brit has a lot of the negative seed traits. she's mean. she's cruel. self-centered. but she's still so young, barely an adult and with hardly an idea of how to behave in the first place. traversing the world that has already deemed her a lost cause. and the cult is nice in the way society isnt, accepting, seemingly, and maybe for all the bad joseph has done (cult. murder. her dads a /murderer/), her bloodline has done, then maybe she really was always destined to be bad, so maybe there's nothing wrong with her but her blood, which is so much easier to accept (is it?). her style is what youd describe as "dumpster-diving goth", complete with bad smells and greasy hair. she learned how to apply makeup in a middle school bathroom with her fingers in bad lighting and never advanced beyond that.

Does your OC have anything to share?: brit's resilient. like a cockroach. you can't kill her and even if you do she won't stay dead, but in more of a 'shambling zombie' than anything that can be considered scary. ok well. a threat. well, okay, maybe she's both but held together by literal tendons you know.

Anything else we should know?: she has a fic called Of A Feather by @clab on ao3 if you'd like to read how shes mentally handling the whole cult-leader-father thing (spoiler: not well) [ photo of instagram user @krrowface ]

Charlie Berger (@detectivelokis)

About: Charlie is a former whitetail turned cultist. I would say she joined for love, but she initially joined because she genuinely believed John would turn her in for being a murderer (big dummy). As of 2018 she isn’t a herald, per se, but she has her own chosen and deals with all the bliss being transported in and out of the valley. She’s one mean bitch who fronts as being the biggest baby girl of all time. Massive victim complex and kind of a cry baby. It’s exactly how she ended up being John’s wifey and baby mama.

Does your OC have anything to share?: Charlie’s strategy to win would probably just be to kidnap her opponents and force them to admit that they want to lose to her, they always want to feel second best to someone like her. She would definitely try to gaslight, gatekeep, girlboss her way to a win. Her selling points for herself: She’s kinda cute for starters. An incredible sharpshooter. And she’s not a cop! She would never arrest you for any crimes you commit! If you just vote for her (and join her In Eden’s Gate) you too can live deliciously, or whatever it is people in cults say.

Anything else we should know?: The art is by @delicateweapon

[essentiallykpopandbl]

I don't normally talk at lengths about kpop related things, especially on Tumblr, because I feel there are enough other fans in the world adding to the conversation. Yet, I am going to break that for a moment because I finally got around to watching RM's mv for Wild Flower that came out a few days ago. Do you know when you watch something and the meaning comes across loud and clear and it hits you and you just sit a little stunned but also a little sad. And you know you will never see that thing the same way again? Well that happened this morning. I have had Wild Flower on repeat since it came out but due to my lack of fluency in korean, all I could go off of was a few words I picked up, the vibe, feeling, and emotion of the song. I had a feeling RM was singing about his struggles with his life in BTS. But oh boy did was I so unprepared.

"When everything I believed in grew distant.

When all this fame turned into shackles.

Please take my desire away from me.

No matter what it takes.

Oh let me be myself"

That part almost broke me. I can't imagine what it is like to be in his position. Leader of arguably the best known K-pop group. Often the voice of an entire industry due to the position his group is in. The pressure to be what his members, company, industry, and country needs him to be. He is RM of BTS. And I know he has talked about this before but he is also Kim Namjoon. A boy who fell in love with music with no idea what he will become. And I am worried it is what he has become that will one day break him. But it's his second verse that made me want to write this.

"Where's my end finally gonna be?

Everything's so exhausting from A to Z

When's this wretched mask finally gonna come off?

Yeah, me no hero, me no villian

I'm barely anything

Idling repeats, memories turning vicious

Lying in a field, I set my sights on the skies

Now, I can't remember what I wanted so badly

I trusted I was happy, now a mere memory

Yeah I been going, no matter what's in front

No matter what it may be

Memories of holding onto dawn's edge and spitting things out

Society's all for the loudest voice

And here I am, still speaking silence

It's an aside, a boat in full bloom

To face all the prejudice and misunderstandings

I dont care much for being tossed into the air

Grounded on my own two feet

Amongst the flowers without names

I can't go to the stars again, I cant

Underfoot I just go

To a destination without a purpose

Not even knowing my own sadness

Even making friends with the shadows

I be gone"

You can feel his heart as he is rapping this verse. The sadness and fear he has at losing himself. I think as fans, we often forget what some people give up when they reach that level of fame. But on the flip side, no one truly knows what it means to be RM of BTS. Even the other members, RM's biggest support system, dont know that feeling. They know what it means to be a member of BTS, but to be the voice that RM is always expected to be? They don't know that. But when RM talks.... is it his voice? Or is it the collective voice of the other members and the industry he is representing? Does he answer based on what he thinks is expected of him? And if so, does that cause him to have even less of a voice? At what point does the need to speak for others suffocate someone.

I find it interesting that he brought up the shadows, because SUGA also raps about the shadows often. How they grow and can overtake everything when the light on them becomes too strong. I find it terrifying the thought of it being easier to be swallowed, or friends, with those shadows then to keep looking at the light. But when the light is blinding and the stars are scary, maybe the darkness is comforting.

While the song is sad it is also hopeful. When he talks about burning fireworks to flowerworks, it feels very reminiscent of the Phoenix. Something that rises from the ashes and comes back more beautiful. I think RM is battling those demons and what is threatening to burn him down but I believe what comes out of it is that much better. And I hope that is what we are seeing through this song. That RM is finding a way to be Kim Namjoon. That the world has not taken everything from him in their expectations of who he is. That somewhere, Kim Namjoon is finding his own voice. And that voice will be just as loud and beautiful as RM's is. Because I have a feeling Kim Namjoon has very interesting things to say.

[little-sw33tie]

40 Lyric Writing Prompt List

(Songs listed in order at the end)

Prompts:

1- “The rough nights ain’t leaving, so why the hell should we?”

2- “And there is not a single place I’d rather be, I’m fucked you just like you are, and you’re fucked up just like me”

3- “I’m still dreaming after all these years”

4- “I still gotta believe people are good at the core”

5- “doctor give it to me, I’ve got a bad case of not loving me”

6- “I want you by my side, so that I’ll never feel alone again”

7- “Just take my hand and we'll abandon this world, we’ll wash those tears away”

8- “it won’t be a stylish marriage, I can’t afford a carriage. But you’d look sweet upon the seat of a bicycle built for two”

9- “It’s alright, come inside and talk to me”

10- “Are you tired of me yet?”

11- “I’ll cut my hair, to make you stare. I’ll hide my chest”

12- “No wealth, no ruin no silver no gold. Nothing satisfies me but your soul”

13- “When god is gone and the devil takes hold, who’ll have mercy on your soul?”

14- “I saw a girl in my dream, she kissed me on the face”

15- “It’s not about the money but the world doesn’t agree, a bribe a lie a trick will hide the truth and they won’t see”

16- “As long as you’ve changed your mind, your soul belongs to me”

17- “If you bother asking me if love is really true, I would stare you in the face and say ‘it’s looking right at you!’”

18- “You tried so hard to take the discord out of me, but I’m not generic in that way, and I just wanna cause a little entropy”

19- “gonna hide myself way down in the deep deep blue, because I hate myself for being so mean to you”

20- “what do you think of me? Do you think of me?”

21- “And I think I like you, and I hope you do too”

22- “I still get a little star struck, baby you shine so bright”

23- “Don’t let me see what I am, ‘cause I can’t stand it. No I can’t”

24- “My odds are stacked, I’ve never been a gambling man, I’ve never had the winning hand. But for you I’d lose it all”

25- “Let’s face it, let’s come to terms and embrace it. Concur, admit, concede, I’m cute <3”

26- “I know I could fall in love twice with you, I do it every day so I swear it’s nothing new”

27- “I’m gonna do this right! Show you I’m not moving, wherever you go, I won’t be far to follow! I’m gonna love you so!”

28- “Why can’t I live up to my family name?”

29- “Well it’s not me that you see, it’s just my pedigree”

30- “Don’t you ever feel like you’ve been destined for something bigger than your skin?”

31- “Baby, all I think about it you. Baby, I don’t know what I’m gonna do”

32- “Life Made you bitter, I can make you tender”

33- “Help me make the most of freedom and of pleasure, nothing ever lasts forever,”

34- “But I won’t let you lose yourself in the rain”

35- “I wanna live close to the sun”

36- “Everything to prove nothing in my way, I’ll get there one day”

37- “But where do you belong?”

38- “So you goners should do the do and do wander the blue yonder cause trying to fool the future takes too long”

39- “I don’t know quite where I’, going, but I’m on my way”

40- “If I could go back then and step into the past, I’d do it all again”

Songs:

1- Welcome to the Family (watsky)

2- Sloppy Seconds (watsky)

3 & 4- Cardboard Castles (watsky)

5- Can’t dance, don’t ask (weezer)

6- Stolen Dance (Milky Chance)

7- The Cult Of Dionysus (The Orion Experience)

8- Daisy Bell (harry dacre)

9- Talk To Me (cavetown)

10 & 11- This is home (cavetown)

12 & 13- I am no one (gemini killer)

14- Another one of those days (cavetown)

15, 16 & 17- 1925 (English Cover by Biscuits and Discontent) (I’m sorry it just hits me in the inspiration really hard)

18- Entropy (Awkward Marina)

19- I hate myself for being mean to you (Isham Jones)

20 & 21- Your Text (Sundial)

22- Starstruck (The Scary Jokes)

23- Dysphoric (Cavetown)

24- Gambling Man (The Overtones)

25- Let’s Face It I’m Cute (11 Acorn Lane)

26- Twice (Rio Romeo)

27- Never Ever Getting Rid Of Me (Waitress)

28, 29 & 30- The Exit (Forgive Durden)

31- Fantasy (Mystery Skulls)

32- Al Dente (Jack Stauber)

33- Everybody wants to rule the world (Tears for Fears)

34- Spring and a Storm (Tally Hall)

35 & 36- I Wanna Be Famous (Graeme Cornies & Dawna Toews)

37- I Saw The Sign (Ace of Base)

38, 39 & 40- Stupidass (Watsky)

[star-ocean-peahen]

Excuse me what’s ninjago?? :0

oh!! im so glad you asked!!

Ninjago is a Lego franchise, which sells Lego sets that correspond to the events in a show. The show has been running for eleven years and currently has sixteen seasons, undergoing a reboot at season eleven.

The show began centered around a group of four boys recruited by an old ninja master (Sensei Wu) to stop Wu's evil brother Garmadon. Garmadon was after the Golden Weapons of Spinjitzu, four elemental weapons that were used by Wu and Garmadon's father, the First Spinjitzu Master, to create the world the characters live in, Ninjago. The weapons correspond to four elements: fire, earth, ice, and lightning. The four ninja recruited by Sensei Wu each have an elemental power and a unique personality for the team:

Cole, the master of Earth and the steady, levelheaded de facto leader

Kai, the master of Fire and the hot-tempered reckless heart of of the team

Zane, the master of Ice and chill-but-awkward kickass (psst hes secretly a robot whoa)(he didnt know)

Jay, the master of Lightning and motormouthed inventor

Here's the intro for the first season, it's worth a watch

They are a. Found Family with the capital Fs. It barely takes six episodes for them to start calling each other "brother". They're clumsy and rude and hardheaded sometimes but theyre trying so hard and they love each other so much.

So, season one, we got the team right?? Bunch teenage boys, Kai's sister Nya who is the only reason they're not dead yet, their wise omniscient kickass ninja mentor.......and Garmadon's elementary-aged son. Who unleashed an ancient tribe of vengeful snake people because he wanted to be an evil overlord like his dad.

The kid's way too cute to be evil though, ngl.

His dad's title is Lord Garmadon. His name is Lloyd Garmadon. He painted little skeletal ribs onto his hoodie so he could look like his dad and does this little muahahahahaha. Yes dear you're very scary.

kjashfaskdjf ANYWAY (i may love him a bit too much) being Sensei Wu's nephew, Wu kinda wants him in a place where he can be supervised and not. Yanno. Nearly dying to ancient snakes because he's like nine. So they pick him up and he joins the gang, but then he gets kidnapped BY said snake people and apparently the only thing Wu can do about it is go yank his dad, the evil overlord, out of whatever evil hole he's been brooding in.

Garmadon was legit just going to murder his brother until he heard that his son was in danger and then he instantly dropped it and started hiking to get him back. Ya see, the only thing that can make Garmadon break free from the corruption flowing through his veins is his son.

But whoops! Lloyd is actually the prophesied Green Ninja who is destined to destroy the lord of darkness. He's like nine and he has to kill his dad.

It's rather complicated and I'm not sure if you want to hear all of it, but he does end up defeating and purifying his dad. It's great. Then he has his dad for two more seasons and then loses him again.....

Anyway, that's the basic setup for the show. The team continues to fight evil together, season after season. One of my favorite things about Ninjago is how it utilizes its vast history (sixteen seasons) to construct plotlines that hit just because of how much weight is already behind them. Like, with the aforementioned Lloyd and Garmadon, he saves his dad, gets his dad, has to kill his dad again, has to kill his dad again, gets his dad resurrected as an empty husk and sicced on him, tries to save his dad again but gets disowned, then is forced to watch his father learn empathy for everything but him. Over the course of the sixteen seasons.

Each season is a relatively self-contained narrative, and the show ends up being fun to watch all at once but with cohesive individual stories. It's really dang funny and it has made me cry.

So! Found family, funky animation, and entertaining and hilarious characters. It's been incredibly fun.

[wakatoshitiddies]

#kuroken | god kenma, human kuroo

"Its time" 

"Come with me." 

Heavy shackles were locked around his wrists and feet, ensuring he couldn't escape. 

They took him to another room, where women dressed in white with their faces covered awaited. 

"Prepare the sacrifice." 

They bathed him in warm, fragrant water and scrubbed his skin with a soft cloth. He overheard one of them whispering that they needed to make sure he was clean so that the god would be pleased. 

Afterwards, they dressed him in layers of white clothing, thick enough to help block the cold from seeping through his skin. 

"Nice of you to make sure I wouldn't freeze to death before actually killing me," he said mockingly. 

None of them replied and just quietly left the room.

Is he scared? Yes, but not so much for himself. 

He was more worried about his parents; they were deemed traitors for hiding his existence. He begged them to leave them alone, as he was the one they needed, only to receive a response that they'd get what they deserved for their betrayal. 

His only wish right now is that they be kept alive. 

Tetsurou's parents cried the day he was born. 

They weren't happy tears.

They were already mourning the life their son would live. 

Born with black hair and hazel eyes, he looks beautiful—perfect, except they wish he hadn't; they wish he had silver hair and gray eyes just like everyone else. 

He is destined to be a sacrifice, a gift to the god. 

Hundreds of years ago, their land was cursed. It used to be abundant: fruit-bearing trees everywhere, fish swimming in crystal-clear waters—it had everything the people needed until they made a grave mistake. It wasn't clear what it was; it was almost a sin to even ask. 

Now, they live in endless snow, making it hard to grow crops and pasture. People have fled due to the lack of resources, only to return because no one will accept them, fearing that the god's wrath will fall upon them as well. 

It was said that lands would be restored to its former glory only after a man with black hair and hazel eyes was sacrificed, so for hundreds of years everyone waited. 

But his parents waited years to have him too; their dream was to raise their child filled with happiness and love, for him to grow up carefree and ambitious; just the thought of losing him is heartbreaking. 

So that night, despite the freezing cold and the harsh winter wind, their family fled the small town and vowed they'd do everything they could to keep him safe, even if it meant hiding him from the world. 

They lived in seclusion for eighteen years. They hid in the heart of the Frost Forest, where no one dared to go due to rumors of beasts roaming the area; no one has ever returned once they set foot there. 

They really were no monsters, but the forest isn't overall safe. The scent of the plants that grow there causes hallucinations; people become disoriented, get lost deeper into the forest, and eventually freeze to death. 

He had also wondered what its like outside the forest, but the scared look on his parents' faces every time he asked was enough to make him bury his curiosity. 

He grew up knowing nothing about the outside world, at least until that night. 

They were all sound asleep when loud banging was heard at their door, followed by men storming inside their house. 

"He's in here!" 

"Who are you?!"

"Be a good boy and just follow us!" 

They grabbed both him and his parents. The last thing he remembers is them thrashing from the men's hold and him and his parents screaming when a cloth was put on his face, making him lose consciousness.

Now here he is, walking to his death. 

Beside him were the same men who had escorted him earlier that day. 

He can hear murmurs from the town people as he walks to the man-made platform. 

"Look at his hair and eyes." 

"He's scary" 

As soon as he reached the center, a man of old age stood, silencing the crowd. 

"The day has finally come!" 

"Today is the day we restore our land to the paradise it once was!" 

Everyone cheered.  

"Once the blood of this young man drips on the ground, no longer will we suffer from hunger and this endless winter." 

They cheered even louder, full of joy and hope. 

He looked at them in disgust. How can they be happy at the expense of someone's life? Would a god really allow this? 

The old man signaled to the men standing behind him. They forced him to kneel and covered his eyes. 

He breathed deeply once he heard a sword being taken out of its sheath, preparing for the cold metal to touch his neck and end his life.

One, two, until three minutes had passed and he felt nothing. He also couldn't hear any sound coming from the people around him; there was nothing but silence. It was strangely warm; his heart, which had been beating wildly, seemed to calm down; he felt familiar; he felt safe.

Is he dead? Is this the afterlife? he thought to himself.

Then he heard an amused chuckle. 

"You are very much alive, human," a voice said. 

"Who's there?" 

There was no response. 

"Who are you?" he asked again. 

"Once there was a god…" 

The voice speaks again, not answering his questions, but it sounded so enchanting that no matter how confused he is right now, his own mind is telling him to just listen. 

"There was a god who fell in love with a human." 

"The man was confident, humorous, playful, and certainly annoying, but he loved him none the less." 

He can hear the voice getting closer as it speaks.

He felt his heart race again, not because he was afraid but for another reason that he also couldn't point out.

"They would meet in the forest every day as soon as the sun sets," it continued. 

"The human would always bring him moonflowers and share countless stories. The god would just listen to him quietly, memorizing how his eyes sparkle when he tells his favorite part or how his eyebrows furrow in deep thought.

"Before their night together ends, he would ask him to dance under the moonlight, and the whole forest would be filled with their laughter."

There was happiness mixed with sadness in the voice—longing. 

"The god was ready to give up being immortal. What's the use of all his powers when he can't be with someone he loves? He wanted nothing but to spend the rest of his life with him." 

Tetsurou can now feel someone in front of him. He's certain it's the owner of the voice. 

"Fate, however, has a different plan. 

"People found out that the man was favored by the god, and when jealousy takes over, humans do heinous things." 

"One night, instead of being greeted with a warm smile, he saw him sprawled on the ground. His white shirt was bloodstained; he was—"  he stopped. 

As if the next words were hard to say. 

"He was lifeless, colder than the forest ground." 

Tetsurou felt his heart clench. His chest hurt just from hearing it. 

"He lost the one thing he wished to have, so he took everything from the people who caused his pain and vowed to make them suffer for all eternity."

"For hundreds of years, the god grieved for the love he lost."

"Every year he would visit the place they would usually meet, the forest, which is now frozen and buried in deep snow, and reminisce about all the wonderful memories they had together."

"And there he saw him again, chasing white snow rabbits," he laughed quietly.

He can feel himself blushing, but he's not even certain as to why. His cheeks and ears are probably very red.

"He wanted to approach him, but he feared that he'd suffer the same fate again, so instead he watched from afar."

He could feel the cloth over his eyes and the shackles that bound him being removed.

"But humans seemed to truly have a stupid nature."

"They thought that since his death caused the endless winter, him dying would lift the curse."

"The god promised to never let the same thing happen twice, and this time he'll be there to protect and save him."

He couldn't see clearly at first; the things around him were a blur.

When his eyes finally adjusted, still kneeling, he looked up and saw an ethereal being standing in front of him.

His short golden hair, which shines like the sun, is paired with mesmerizing golden cat-like eyes. His skin, white as snow. He wore a simple robe that draped elegantly over his body. He is adorned with jewels from his head down to his foot.

He then kneeled in front of him, looking him directly in the eyes. He gave him a smile, his eyes glistening from the tears that threatened to fall.

Tears started streaming down Tetsurou's face as memories began to flood his mind—things he hadn't experienced yet but that were very much his.

"K-kenma," he said, which almost came as a whisper, finding it difficult to speak due to the lump that formed in his throat as a result of him crying.

The god held his face with both his hands, softly caressing his cheeks, wiping his tears.

"Hello, my love"

[tailsrevane]

[book review] the farthest shore by ursula k. le guin (1972)

ok like, i know i kinda related to the presence of a caste of eunuchs in the previous book in ways that probably weren’t intentional on the author’s part and i don’t want to make this a pattern or anything but like… arren.

arren.

you know that genre of youtube videos that are just titled like “[character] being relatable for [x] minutes”? well, this babygirlified subby mess of a boy (who is destined to become king of all the isles i guess???) is variously described as “a gentle messenger for bad news” & “that girlish lad of yours”??? the latter comes when a bunch of patrons in a tavern ask ged if arren can sing, and after arren obliges they remark, “that’s a queer music.” and like, YEAH my dudes??? you asked a fucking subby femboy to sing??? if the music weren’t queer i would worry that something was wrong??? (yes, they’re not using “queer” in that context, but shut up, let me have this.)

anyway, this “girlish lad” meets his hero and IMMEDIATELY tries to become his sub ("as he had made his act of submission he forgot himself") and when fleeing the scene of that embarrassment turns into a boy disaster lesbian (“forgetting courtly farewells he hurried to the doorway, awkward, radiant, obedient.”) he later gets captured by slavers & chained up on a ship, there’s a curious comment about his soul not rebelling against the notion of slavery??? but anyway, ged rescues him which is pretty badass, and he later dreams about still being held captive. we’re meant to understand through context clues that these dreams are scary & unpleasant, but he never EXPLICITLY SAYS they are?

again, please don’t take this too seriously, i’m taking a character who was definitely intentionally written in some ways that appeal to me and reading WAY TOO MUCH INTO other things that were clearly NOT intended, but yeah i’m having a lot of fun with this and i love this character now, thank you for your time i will not be taking any questions.

so yeah, that was a big part of my enjoyment of the book, no lie, but like let’s just pivot i guess to the actual main action of the book and say that holy shit, this is one of the most original fantasy novels i’ve ever read??? we begin with arren bringing ged & the masters of roke the terrifying news that the power of magic has begun to fade from the outlying lands of earthsea. it turns out that they’ve been getting similar reports from other outlying lands, and arren’s report is sort of the straw that breaks the camel’s back, because whatever is happening is spreading. the archmage decides that he’s going to investigate this himself, and the only companion he’ll bring with him on this dangerous quest is arren himself.

they have some adventures while they’re investigating this that i already relayed some of, but the deeper they probe into what’s going on the scarier it gets? they find lands where not just magic, but all arts have begun to fade, as people grow obsessed with the promise of immortality promised to them by what we increasingly realize is a sorcerer who rivals archmage ged’s power. and like, it starts to sound like we’re basically dealing with a situation where ged is the most powerful servant of life & this other guy is the most powerful servant of death, and in a way that is kind of exactly what’s happening? but that makes it sound really simple & boring, which, nah! like, there’s just so much interesting characterization & worldbuilding around this, like, this is ursula k. motherfucking le guin we’re talking about, y’all! i don’t know that she really knows how to do “simple & boring.”

things escalate to the point where we find out that this evil power has even caused dragons to lose the power of speech??? arren & ged are tested in ways that are terrifyingly existential, and almost lose themselves several times, but it’s that thing where seeing these characters at their worst & most vulnerable actually helps emphasize how fucking strong they both are when they come out the other side of it still themselves?

this is exactly the same kind of “huge (in a good way), but also small (in a good way)” story le guin told in the a wizard of earthsea, and also tombs of atuan even though that one was harder for me to get into. the world faces existential threats that are mirrored in the personal threats the characters themselves grapple with, and the story is made so rich & meaningful because of this.

i’m looking forward to getting to the next book, because i know le guin is very frustrated with how male-dominated her first trilogy was, and the farthest shore is actually pretty easily the worst offender in this regard? but like, please please please don’t skip it as a result if you’re remotely interested in these books, because there’s so much good stuff in here. i’m just saying, i’m excited to get to the books where le guin feels like she rectified some of the issues she had with the original trilogy.

s-rank

[meli-r]

Hi ! Hope you are doing fine. May I ask you number 12 (What advice would you share?), 14 (What would you like to do but are scared of ?) and 30 (What things never fails to make you happy?) Sorry for the bundle of questions >.<

Hi, thanks for the questions and don't worry! :)

12 - This is a tricky one, I'm not good with advice. I would say that sometimes we don't have to plan so much and do things when we can, not just when we want to. Maybe because I was always a planner, and now I regret it, like the first year of studying without working to see how I'd do with algebra, physics, and mathematical analysis. Then doing both at the same time to achieve this other thing in eight years, but I lost opportunities and life experiences by limiting myself to that kind of equation. If I tried to change an X or added complexity as a temporal detour that I wanted, I entered an existential crisis because I was closed to only one way, when in fact there were more. With the passing of time, realizing this even made me doubt if that equation I had made was correct. I don't know if what I say makes sense, or if it depends on each one, but I feel that I wasted a lot of time with that way of thinking when in reality, sometimes you can do different things, like starting from the end and still do everything you wanted to do before that and find opportunities that linear planning doesn't contemplate. Fear also influences, it's like painting outside a circle, inside it's planned, and one feels safe. But I think, well, we're young, we're at the age to make mistakes, we have to enjoy the whole process and be patient instead of agonizing over how far we're from the end.

14 - Parkour (not out of fear of the danger or the heights, but mostly because I didn't start from a young age, so I think I wouldn't be good at it, and I would only harm myself. It also scares me to do it alone, like what if someone sees me trying to climb a wall?), martial arts (I don't find it as scary as the first, but sometimes I also fear I should've started when I was much younger like most people, and that stops me from actually starting), skiing (because I don't have any experience, and it'd be my first time in a mountain full of snow), cycling in mountainous areas (I love bicycles, but I've never done this because where I was born was very urban, although I admit that it scares me a bit), skydiving (I think I would faint doing this, but it looks great. Maybe I would first try it with someone more experienced than me), traveling to a country alone where no one speaks my language or English (most people speak English nowadays, but I can imagine the anxiety while taking the train or metro and seeing everything in German, Japanese, or French. I even have to ask for directions to people in a country that speaks my own language), going to a music concert (I don't mind going to restaurants, cinemas, or other places alone, but I've never gone to a concert, and it scares me for that reason, especially in a closed place full of people I don't know), etc. Sorry for the long response, many things came to mind.

30 - Mostly traveling somewhere new, even in the country where I am, and walking either alone or with someone, without any fixed destination or planned itinerary. I could never do it alone or with someone else at night because of insecurity, but now I do, and I like it too. I enjoy traveling both alone and accompanied, although I admit that I like the adrenaline of doing things alone, knowing that no one can help me if something happens, which I don't feel when being with someone else because the danger is shared, so to speak. Visiting completely different countries and getting to know their cultures too, hopefully I will someday because the feeling of freedom when getting on a plane or train with only a backpack and suitcase is great. I've never gone to another country with someone else, but it might be nice too, even though I'd lose some of that freedom. "If you want to go fast, go alone," and it's true because if I traveled with someone else, I would have to consider the places they want to visit, which would push me out of my comfort zone. However, more than hobbies, I think a cat is the definite answer because on those days you don't even want to get up in the morning, the cat wakes you up and gives you a reason to do so when your hobbies couldn't because you lost interest in them. You then find purpose because you have to feed your cat, and in that moment, you're happy because you feel useful when taking care of someone else.

I hope this answers your questions. And thank you because I didn't know I needed to reflect on this a bit :)

[maybe-sixth-times-the-charm]

hi, baby.

this week, we had our first real fight in quite some time. (a few weeks ago, i remember crying on the phone, trying to catch my breath, and you begging for us to stop fighting because those were the only kind of relationships you'd seen growing up and you didn't want to be one of them. i decided uss din that i wasn't going to fight with you. we were going to be the good kind of relationship and then we didn't fight for days. you and i both let some things go. it felt nice to be doing something right :)) right now, i don't care about what the fight this week was about, who said what, i genuinely don't. i just care about me lying in bed, looking at my phone buzzing with texts about you and your dream of that rainbow glass necklace on the beach and me and you pspsps-ing me and telling me that you're sorry and that you love me - and i just care about how i sobbed into my pillow for a good 6 minutes before picking up the phone to text.

it's scary, loving someone so much that the notion of not losing them is enough to make you break down.

anyways, i don't want this post to be all sad. let's talk about some more sweet things this last week off the top of my head? you told me that you missed me in the mornings when i didn't spam you and that made my day so much. you told me that the reason you loved me was because of how much I cared and your voice broke and you had tears in your eyes and I wanted to kiss them away so so much. you told me that all i had to do for u to love me was exist (which, honestly, i have genuinely felt sometimes, it's so sweet 😭)

love, for me, baby, is different than love is for you. you say that you're too secure in not losing me, and i love the candidness, but i say that i love wooing you every single day, reminding you of why you love me and the fact that I love you in every single way. it's because im secure in not losing you that i can give it my all and love you with all i have.

(i have tried to tone it down thooodasa recently, but yeah. it's not going away anywhere.)

and so maybe that's why we fight, don't we? because I'm the kind of idiot who needs appreciation when i do something nice - Not because I did it to get appreciated, but just because if I don't get it, I'm going to assume ke you didn't like it, and I'll stop. Like, I'll start these elaborate gestures of love because i want to do it but I can't keep going unless I feel like you want me to do it. and then if I see ke I should stop - i won't want to stop, because fuck it, i should get to express love however much i want if I have it inside me, right? and then i erupt. i erupt and then u erupt and then we're stuck in a tangle of sadness and misunderstandings because love, for us, is so different.

i try to understand your ways, i really do. and I'm glad for every single time you've tried to understand mine. I'm so so glad for every time you've made me feel loved. and i know it seems like I'm high maintenance sometimes, but oh, I don't think so at all. I think all I am is a sucker and a whore for feeling loved, and sometimes, baby, you can do it just with the way you look at me.

i miss touching your face for no reason.

i miss your shoulder.

fuck, i miss you.

we're far from two people who'd be "destined" to be together. we have different interests, different ambitions, and different conceptions to express love.

and yet. there's no one else I'd rather spend my college life obsessing over repeatedly, and repeatedly, and repeatedly.

yours,

in trying to understand the chronicles of us in written format ahahah, and loving you harder with each passing day,

mahima

ps. i prommy aage waale will be more pyaare, less contemplative :p

pps. thank u for doing this journal thingy with me. thank u for what u wrote. thank u for giving me something I can come back and read and cry over. thank you for entertaining another of my weirdass ideas. thank you for loving me enough to make me all andar se melty about it

[adamsart]

Fuck so I saved Shelby once again and took her in even tho I told mark I wouldn’t save her. Then I sent her back to stay with mark but we were in love at this point and I knew I was destined to be with her. I thought about her all the time. I always wanted her by my side and I made sure she was loved and taken care of. I got her car back from her mother only to lose it to the third impound in a month like 2 years later. These were the happiest years of my life. I don’t know if I’ll ever find that kind of love ever again. Shelby was with me thru thick and thin and stuck threw some pretty scary shit like gunpoint robberies, kidnappings, had her set up this guy we knew and she didn’t know until I mollywhopped his ass for stealing from me. Shelby was a beautiful person and her soul was so beautiful. After getting out of Sacramento county late one December I tried to call home and wish my family a merry Christmas and happy birthday to my brother. No one answered I figured it was because of me but what I didn’t know is my brother had just gone back to jail and my mother was left with no pain meds and a nasty infection in her bowls that she couldn’t fix cause she was allergic to antibiotics. My father tracked me down how I don’t know but he tracked me down and told me he couldn’t watch my mother die and the doctors gave her 24 hours she only actually lasted 3 hours and my father couldn’t watch his wife of over 25 years due infront of him and he felt like a coward. One of the most heartbreaking calls of my life. My mother died the 27th of December 2012. I decided I was going to go to a truck stop and someone would give me a ride in there truck and get me home. I was broke and my brothers wife had now stepped in and was in control of my fathers phone, bank account, vehicles everything and as soon as she showed up my father could no longer talk to me on the phone only thru Sarah over text message was the only way I was allowed to try to speak to my father. After 2 days of sitting at the truck stop with a pathetic sign that read MOTHER PASSED AWAY JUST NEED A RIDE TO SALT LAKE UTAH after 2 days I finally decided I was just going to have to steal a car and chance it my dad needed me and I needed to get there for my mothers funeral. So I preyed to god to help me and that night a girl I had just met her name was ANGEL came to where I was staying and she gave me a set of keys that she found in the laundry room of her building and I went to the apartments and found the car right away. I still have to make amends to those people. I was desperate and selfish. The car was empty when I stole it and the first person Shelby asked filled us up to full and we were on our way the next time we had to refuel it was the same thing first person filled us up and we were back on the road the last time I stoped for gas we were just outside of Utah and the first person filled up our tank again. And gave us a card with a bible quote on it. The last time I stopped it was right across the Utah border and A UHP officer pulled away from a stop to come after us and get us pulled over. After running our tags it took another 15 minutes before they shout down that side of the freeway and pulled me out of the car felony style. I went to jail and had to call and speak to my dad and tell him I wasn’t going to make it home for moms funeral. Maybe the hardest phone call of my life I can only think of one worst. Man I just wanted to give up and die. Missed my mothers funeral and on top of the new felony for a stolen car I was already wanted for 7 pounds of weed they busted me with just before my divorce as well as 4 prescription forgeries 4 insurance fraud and 1 commercial burglary. I was taken to toole county and somehow talked to he judge into releasing me to Davis county after 1 month. I went to Davis county jail and Shelby was released that day. I still had a 50,000$ bond to get out. Where there is a will there is a way cause I was only in Davis county jail 5 hours before I had found a bondsman to get me out on a signature and promise to pay in a week.

[absolutepokemontrash]

The Brothers and Side Characters Play Ticket To Ride

Guess who just had a family game night and decided this would be a good idea? Meeeeee!

Last Minute Road/Track Buyer (Lucifer)

This smug son of a bitch doesn’t even complete his trip cards. He just amasses a massive deck of cards and then buys all of the five and six roads, effectively messing up everyone’s strategies.

Luci would have a good poker face if it weren’t for how giddy he gets when he sees the hope drain from his opponents faces as he takes the coveted fifteen point six road.

His main colour is black because he’s an emo bitch.

Lucifer can and Lucifer will take that two road you need to connect your trains, thus ruining everyone’s lives.

He basks in the chaos and rage like a god before Beel tells him that he’s eaten all the game night chips.

He’ll win sometimes, but his lack of trip cards will often be his downfall. Lucifer is just here to fuck everyone over.

FUCK YOU! DON’T YOU DARE TAKE THAT CARD- (Mammon)

Mammon’s greedy little heart sank when he heard that Monopoly had been passed over for family game night, but he caught onto the rules of Ticket to Ride very quickly.

Being the gambler he is, Mammon’s poker face is completely god-tier… except when he has all the cards needed to make his road or someone else takes the cards he needs.

Levi is often the main culprit and fights have started over this.

He argues with the rules a lot if he thinks they’re stupid, this gives Satan a migraine.

Mammon doesn’t save his cards, the moment he has all the ones he needs, he’s buying his road, which is good at the beginning, but often leads to him ending up with no cards by the end.

He is SO insufferable when he wins, please beat him so we don’t have to hear him gloat like an asshole.

Rule-Whore (Leviathan)

“That’s against the rules!” “You can’t have more than three wild cards in the draw pile!” “You need to take three trip cards!”

…so annoying…

Levi is such a rule whore he’ll try and take the instructions from Satan, which will usually result in Levi getting socked in the jaw.

He mains blue because obviously.

Levi tends to plan out his route ahead of time, but he makes it too obvious and his roads end up getting sniped, thus rendering all the cards he had amassed completely useless.

He gets super iffy about his trains being in perfect formation both on and off the board.

Beat his ass for being annoying.

Ha! I’ve Planned for This- Aw Fuck…(Satan)

You fool, you stupid human, Satan had planned out his route ten years before the first turn even happened!

All he has to do now is- DID LUCIFER JUST SNIPE HIS FUCKING ROAD?!

…he’s cool, he’s calm. He can work around this. Satan just has to get the cards he needs- SON OF A BITCH MAMMON WHY’D YOU TAKE BOTH THE ORANGES?!

Worried about your asshole fellow players not giving you your points? Fret not, Satan has everyone’s points memorized and will adjust accordingly. He’s winning this fair and square.

Satan manages to win pretty frequently solely because he picks up so many trip cards and completes a good chunk of them.

Satan mains green because I said so.

Annoying Spectator (Asmodeus)

For the love of God Asmo, you aren’t even playing! Shut up and go away!

He leans over people’s shoulders and criticizes their choices like the world’s most annoying guardian angel… or demon.

“Pick up red.” “Asmo, piss off.” “I’m just trying to help, Belphie! Look, Mammon’s gone and taken your road!” “I DIDN’T EVEN NEED THAT ONE!”

When Asmo does play, he doesn’t play well at all, he just has the worst luck with cards and has the worst poker face.

If someone just took a card that Asmo needed, they are going to get glared at from across the table.

Almost never wins, but when he does, he’s INSUFFERABLE.

“It’s so nice to have the family together :)” (Beel)

Sweet man is just happy everyone’s together, he’s also happy about the multiple party size bags of chips that are on the table.

Beel builds his roads from point A to point B, no fancy skipping or strategies. This often serves him quite well because he can just shift where he’s going on the fly.

Though, he does get confused on where some of the locations are, he’ll end up accidentally cheating and looking at people’s cards when he leans over to see the whole board to try and find out where TF he’s going.

He tries to complete every trip card he has, and he mostly succeeds at that, buuuuut he never thinks to pick up more, which is his downfall.

He mains red, because Duh.

Overall, Beel’s a surprisingly formidable opponent, his resting bitch face serves him well.

“*Snrk* H-huh? What the fuck… what’d I knock over? Where am I? Whose turn is it?” (Belphie)

This little shit- THIS LITTLE BASTARD FUCKS EVERYTHING UP. He falls asleep and when anyone wakes him up for his turn, he “accidentally” knocks everyone’s trains off the board.

He’s doing terribly. Don’t help him.

Belphie loses motivation the moment someone ruins his carefully formulated plan, and making a new one’s too much work so… *snore*

He takes what he can get with the trip cards, he’ll complete the smaller ones and kind of eyeball the big ones and make it up as he goes along if everything goes to shit.

If Belphie gets bored, he’ll purposefully break the rules just to piss of Levi and Satan. He’s a little goblin…

Belphie wins when he puts the work in… which is never.

…Wait what? (Diavolo)

Diavolo is literally the worst at this game at first. He’s picking up two wild cards when he’s not supposed to, he’s buying roads when it’s not his turn, he somehow messed up the points, ugh…

He gets really confused about the rules, he’ll often interrupt people mid-turn to ask a question that spirals into a long explanation.

But when he finally understands the game… May the demon king have mercy on your souls…

He goes from zero to hero and crushes everyone without fail.

It doesn’t matter if he had shitty luck in the beginning because he’s come back to completely ruin your entire route.

Oh, Solomon needed that road? Too bad. It belongs to Diavolo now. Give him his fucking points.

Peace between the realms can wait, he’s got noobs to pwn.

The Wise Mentor (Barbatos)

Barbatos can see the future, he’s cheating by default.

When he sort of… turns off his powers, people still think he’s cheating because he’s just that good at guessing where people need to go and crushing their hopes and dreams.

Except for Luke. Barbatos is teaching him how to be as brutal a player as he is. He will not crush Luke.

As good a player as Barbatos is, one bad trip card will crush his entire strategy. This may be the one time you hear him swear.

It’s a very quiet “son of a bitch..”

Cheater. Asshole. Fight instigator. (Solomon)

Okay who the fuck invited this guy?

Better question, who the fuck let him be in charge of the cards?

Solomon cheats and lies about it, all with a smile on his face. Think you caught him? No you didn’t.

He peeks at cards before he grabs them, gives people the worst possible ones for what they’re doing, AND he gets potato chip grease all over the cards!

When he’s no my allowed to cheat, Solomon’s only half decent at the game overall. Luck is usually on his side, but sometimes luck isn’t enough.

0/10 kick his shifty ass out.

“No, stop,” *Pulls out popcorn* “Don’t fight, oh no.” (Simeon)

Fucking Simeon… he sits back and watches the fight even though he knows he can stop it.

When he’s playing the actual game, he’s pretty average, but when he gets on a roll, oh boy…

He doesn’t snipe roads on purpose, but he’s gotta get where he’s going. Sorry not sorry, may the good lord bless your loser ass.

Sexy shoulder-man’s poker face isn’t anything special, it’s 5/7 overall.

Simeon’s fatal flaw is that he picks up cards only when he needs them, he doesn’t plan ahead, so it’s super easy to swipe the cards he needs before his turn.

He is nice enough to move everyone’s points for them^.^ so he’s better than the rest of those dirty sinners.

“NO PLEASE I NEED THAT ROAD-” (Luke)

So you know how everyone is an awful person? This is proven whenever the gang plays Ticket to Ride with Luke.

Luke demands/begs that no one takes the roads he needs and almost no one listens.

It’s heartbreaking to watch please give the little angel a hug.

But listen, listen, after a bit, Luke gets scary good at the game and very close to winning. His little victory dance is so fucking cute 10/10.

But oh my… it appears that Luke has one tiny road he needs to connect his trains… it would be a shame if Lucifer just… took that.

Luke gets petty, he just puts his hand over the spot and refuses to move it. This goes on for like five minutes until Levi brings up that it’s not even Lucifer’s turn.

Gasp! Hope! It’s Solomon’s turn- HE TOOK THE FUCKING ROAD.

…betrayal.

Luke’s moving out. He can’t go back to Purgatory Hall. He’s going to become the little Victorian street urchin he was destined to become. He is packing his little rucksack and fleeing from this household.

————

I love family game nights… all of you should get together with your family and your squad and break out some board games. Just not Monopoly. Anything but Monopoly…

[daisylikesmedia]

Holiday Special 6: The Waters of Mars

OKAY IT’S TIME I can’t wait for the overview to say this, this is my favourite episode of Doctor Who. I’m so excited to talk about it with y’all so let’s go!! (fair warning, this review is a lil longer than my others, but I hope it's worth it to show y'all how much I love it.)

This is one of the last episodes where I’ll be able to reference my experiences as a child watching the show, but this context do be important. My biggest fear as a kid was water. Getting any kind of water on my face was a no-no, and I hated being in pools/at beaches and the like. The reason this context is important is because the villain of this episode IS water, and damn that freaked me out. My worst nightmare was conjured up into an alien parasite slaughtering a crew of heroes. Naturally, this makes me love them slkdfjhg. I like alien threats that aren’t fully explained, as I feel the lack of that knowledge adds to the horror, and with the already existing fear of water, having no knowledge on how we defeat them bar escaping/blowing the base up makes them soooo scary. As The Doctor says, “Water is patient, Adelaide. Water just waits. It wears down the clifftops, the mountains, the whole of the world. Water always wins.”. My personal experiences definitely lend to me loving this villain, but cmon can you blame me :3.

Another thing this episode does really well is give us characters to care about. The whole premise of this episode falls apart if we don’t like these characters/think they’re worth saving, and so I’m v happy they nailed it here. For the small amount of screentime these characters get, you can see how much they’ve sacrificed to go on this mission. There are several scenes where the crewmates are talking to/watching their family back on Earth, longing to be back there. It shows how far the crew is willing to go in order to further human exploration across the stars, and no character encompasses this more than Captain Adelaide Brooke. Her motivations are so clear, and her leadership within this group is so apparent. You fully believe she is one of the most important people in human history, and she commands that respect from you. The only time she loses control is at the crucial point in the story where The Doctor decides to save them, and even then she doesn’t let him get away with that scot-free. What an amazing one-off character that manages to truly challenge The Doctor as he goes off the rails.

And now, we get to talk about the main plotline of the episode. The spooky water aliens and amazing side characters help enable this plotline, but it is what makes this episode my absolute favourite. This is a Doctor Who episode where you *don’t* know whether he should save the humans. And not based on them being bad people, or because of a sympathetic villain. Because the rules of the show thus far have told us to respect fixed points (see Fires of Pompeii), with the crew destined to die on Mars, with their deaths inspiring their families to go and explore the cosmos. The Doctor, and thus you as the viewer, spend the episode weighing up whether The Doctor should stay or should go. He leaves just as the crew’s situation becomes the most dire, as half of them are taken by the flood. As he listens to their cries of desperation over the radio, visions of his past play in his mind, reminding him he’s the last of his kind. That his people, who governed the laws of time, aren’t here anymore. And with no-one left to stop him, in The Doctor’s own words: “The laws of time are mine, and they will obey me”. This is The Doctor at his most arrogant, and his most powerful point in his life. He saves the remaining crew members, and takes them home to Earth, where instead of the typical jubilation, the remaining crew are disgusted by his existence. As Adelaide puts it, “No-one should have that much power.”, and The Doctor, as the time lord victorious, responds “Tough”. Adelaide, in response to this, walks into her house and kills herself to put history back on track, and The Doctor realises just what kind of monster he has become. It’s chilling, he becomes jittery and manic, and The Doctor runs away like a coward as his death looms over him. What a turn. This is a story that takes our hero, and turns him into a monster. It shows just what kind of power The Doctor has, and what happens when he decides he wants to play God, and I love it. You may have noticed a theme, with me liking episodes that challenge and change The Doctor’s character, and no episode does this more than The Waters of Mars. I could go on and on, but this is who the 10th doctor becomes, when there’s no one there to stop him (You can go back to The Runaway Bride to hear Donna talk about this, this character arc has been building for YEARS and it’s so satisfying to see it executed so well).

TL:DR/Overview: Great villains, a fantastic cast of characters who command respect on screen, and a massive step in The Doctor’s character arc. This episode is not afraid to be critical of our hero, and turns him into a God we should fear. The deification of The Doctor is something I’ve mentioned in several of Tennant’s episodes, but this is the one where all those moments where The Doctor has shown his power come to fruition. This moment has been building and building since Series 2 and seeing it executed on screen feels so immensely satisfying. The ending to this episode is perfect to me, and from concept to execution this episode is original, unique, and tailor-made to fit this incarnation of The Doctor. I give you all, my favourite episode of Doctor Who.

P.S: Apologies for the length on this one, this is me holding back lmaoo I can talk about this episode for hours and hourss. I hope I was able to show y’all just exactly why I love this episode <3

[weelittleweasley]

destined for you (d.m.)

prompt requested by @sincerelymalfoy: everyone wanted to find their soulmate. that was except for draco malfoy. in this world, you find your soulmate because you can feel the same physical pain as them. this makes it harder for draco to avoid finding his soulmate.

pairing: draco malfoy x soulmate! fem! reader, friend! ron weasley x friend! reader

warnings: mentions of previous d*mestic ab*se, language, blood (from a nose bleed), burns from an open flame

word count: 5.6k

a/n: this fic mention’s draco’s abusive household at the end. if you find that this might be triggering content for you, please skip it or do not read this fic. take care of yourself please. fanfic is supposed to be enjoyable! so read with caution! all my love in the world, lex

You had heard of it before. Soulmates. Two souls put on this planet who were destined to find each other and spend their existence together harmoniously. Until death do them part. 

It all sounded very romantic to you. Finding someone who had a soul, a spirit that matched yours. Kindred together. Your parents were soulmates and watching their relationship grow and blossom as you grew up was something you had always wanted. A love that continued to grow no matter the circumstances. A love that would guide you, protect you, care for you, and spend its days with you. A soulmate didn’t sound half bad.

Until you realized what that meant.

In order to know that you had met your soulmate, you would have to experience the same physical pains as them. Meaning everything that hurt them, you in turn felt, even though it wasn’t happening to you. The person could be on the other side of the planet, but the universe would still make you feel the same pains as them. It was an annoyance, for sure, but to you, anything that brought you one step closer to them was enough.

You remember exactly where you were when you first experienced your soulmates pain. You were about the age of eight, in your bedroom, reading on the floor, laying on your belly, kicking your legs about happily. That was before you felt a red, hot stinging sensation on your right cheek. Like someone had just slapped you in the face. Confusion washed all over you before you cried out, “Mum!” like any child would when random waves of pain washed over them with no reason why.

In a flash, your mother was in the doorway of your bedroom, asking what happened. You turned your cheek and pointed to it, telling her that it stung and hurt badly. Your mother’s eyes grew wide and she gasped, walking down to her child and touching the sensitive area. “Did you do this to yourself, sweetheart?” she asked, making sure that she wasn’t getting ahead of herself. Your soulmate couldn’t have possibly started showing signs of pain this young. 

You shook your head and looked up at your mother worried about what was happening to you. “Am I gonna be alright, Mum?” you asked, your eight year old head full of worry and fear. This was scary for anyone, especially a child. 

“Yes, darling, you will be quite alright. When you are a little older, your father and I will explain it all to you,” your mother brushed your cheek gently as you relaxed into her warm, maternal touch. She placed a gentle kiss on your hairline before speaking, “This happens to everyone, dear. I know, it’s confusing and can be scary. But it will end with good things, I swear it.”

And you held onto that promise that your mother told you that day on your bedroom floor. From that day on, you continued to feel random spurts of pain. A pinch in the fleshy part of your arm, a slap upside the head, a gut wrenching pain in the your gut, but most often you felt pain in your chest. Less physical pain, but like someone had just broken your heart. It would go away within seconds, but for those few seconds, it felt like someone had told you the worst news of your life, your heart felt hollow. This continued on and on for years but when you turned eleven things changed.

Two weeks before your eleventh birthday, your mother and father had talked to you about soulmates and how you felt their pain no matter where in the world they were. Even more specifically, your parents had given you warning that you might be meeting your soulmate soon. “What do you mean?” you sat in the dining room chair, dropping your fork at the suggestion of meeting your soulmate at the young, ripe age of eleven. 

Your mother looked at your father who gave her a supportive nod. She took a deep breath in before speaking, “(Y/N), honey, you know that you’ll be going to Hogwarts soon. Kids from all over will be going to school with you. One of those kids could very well be your soulmate. I mean, that’s what happened to me and your father,” she tells you as your father grabs your mother’s hand and gives it a reassuring squeeze.

Whilst you sat at the dinner table, face blank, your mind was running a thousand miles a minute. You were going to turn eleven and all of a sudden you could be meeting your soulmate? You were a child. You should be focusing on school work, meeting new friends, having fun, enjoying this time of your life before it goes by in the blink of an eye. “But I don’t want to. Not yet,” you protest, tears starting to pool in your eyes. “I want to meet them soon, but not now.”

Rising from his chair, your father rushes to your side, not wanting to see his daughter torn over the news that she could be meeting her soulmate. She was supposed to be happy. “Hey, kiddo, it’s okay,” he wipes away your tear, brushing the hair out of your face, placing a gentle kiss to your forehead. “It doesn’t mean you’re definitely going to meeting them. You might. That’s all. What your mother and I are more worried about is you being safe and having fun. That’s all,” he tells you with a reassuring smile. And in that moment, you calmed down and succumbed to a sniffling mess. “Hogwarts is going to be a blast. You’re going to meet so many new people and have so many new adventures, pumpkin. No need to worry about a silly soulmate.”

Your father’s words soothed you, but that was only temporary. When you arrived at Hogwarts, you were too involved in the thrill of things to pay attention to the small pains you would get from your soulmate. Instead, you let yourself wander away with new friends, discovering new parts of the castle and the grounds. Soon enough, finding your soulmate became the last thing on your mind.

But the years started to go by and a lot of your classmates were discovering that they had soulmates within Hogwarts. Students were putting two and two together, realizing the pains they were feeling were similar if not the same as their soulmates. In fact, most soulmate encounters happened in the hospital wing with Madam Pomfrey. A student came in complaining about a mysterious pain in their leg and low and behold, there was another student laying in a bed with their leg in a cast. Another match.

It came down to a new soulmate announcement happened every few days. You would groan and roll your eyes at the news, but deep down, you secretly wished that your soulmate would reveal themselves soon. Sure, when you first got to Hogwarts, you didn’t want to meet your soulmate because you wanted to focus on making friends and getting used to life at a new school. But now that you were in your sixth year and everyone was starting to find their soulmate, you felt left out. 

You sat in the library, studying quietly by yourself before someone hurls themself in a chair right next to you. “Quick, pretend like we’re having a conversation,” Ron grabs your arm tight and shakes you. You give him a puzzled look before he speaks, “It’s Lavender again.”

Shaking your head with a laugh, you mindlessly start talking about whatever, pretending to be deep in conversation with Ron. Out of your periphery vision, you see Lavender approach the table, but then stomp her foot in frustration before leaving the area you were in and out of the library. Ron sighs in relief and leans back in the chair as you chuckle. “Why can’t you tell her that you’re not soulmates. Is she still on you about that?” you ask him, crossing your arms across your chest.

Ron groans, “Because she makes shit up! Like in Potions! I had burnt my hand on the flame and it hurt and then she pretended like her hand burned too, but it didn’t!”

You continue to tease Ron. “Oh yeah? How do you know it didn’t actually hurt?”

He leans forward on the table and exclaims, “She’s making it up! Because when we were in class last week, she bumped into Katie Bell and she got a nose bleed. And me? Nothing. Nada. Zip. Zilch. We are not soulmates, (Y/N)! She’s bloody out of her mind.” You just sit back and laugh at Ron’s hysterics. You did have to admit though, making up pains just so you can be soulmates with someone who didn’t want to be soulmates with you. That was a little strange. “I’m telling you, we need to find our soulmates soon or I’m gonna lose my mind.”

At the mention of finding your soulmate, your heart speeds up and you gulp. You really didn’t want to talk about your soulmate right now. The thought just made you frustrated. The last sign you had gotten from them was about two weeks ago. A deep pain in your side, like something had smashed into it. 

“Have you felt anything recently? Maybe if you tell me, I’ll know of someone who felt it too,” Ron encourages. “Go on now.”

With a groan, you sit up and prop your head up on your hands as Ron waits for you to tell him. “Two weeks ago I had a crippling pain in my side. In the afternoon. Didn’t fade until an hour later,” you reveal to Ron.

He thinks for a moment and then speaks, “Which side? Where in your side? Like your stomach?”

“My left side by my ribcage. Hurt like a bitch,” you suck in, reminiscing the pain that had you curled over in bed as your roommate sat next to you in your bed, rubbing your back, trying to soothe the pain. But there was no use. 

Ron think again before speaking, “I mean...I know it’s a long shot, but I remember someone saying that during quidditch practice someone was sent to Madam Pomfrey’s for an injury. I don’t remember who, but you could probably ask Madam Pomfrey and see if she remembers.”

You shrug, running your fingers through your hair. “I don’t know if it’s worth it, Ron. What am I going to say? Two weeks ago my side hurt and I don’t know who was injured. Do you know who it was? It might be my soulmate,” you tease Ron who rolls his eyes. “When the time is right, I’ll find them.”

---------------

Another week goes by and it’s another week of no pain. From either you or your soulmate. It was like they were doing everything in their power to prevent themselves from getting hurt. Even a paper cut. Nothing. And it was making you more frustrated then ever, seeing people happily walking in the hallway with their soulmates and yet here you were, soulmate-less and painless walking in the halls by yourself. 

You walk into Potions class with a sigh, not really wanting to be here. You’d rather be hanging out with your friends in the courtyard on this beautiful, warm day rather than being cooped up inside the castle, doing nothing. “You look thrilled to be here,” Cho teases you as you take your usual seat next to her and behind Ron and Harry. “You alright?” she asks as you simply nod, not really feeling like vomiting all your baggage right now. 

Class begins as normal and your assignment was to replicate Girding Potion successfully and quickly. The whole class was at work diligently as you opened vials, reading the ingredients list, dumping them into the cauldron. As you did so, girls around you chit chatted about their soulmates and their pains, taking them as clues as to who it could be. 

The chatter was like a fly in your ear, buzzing around and around and around, driving you towards a meltdown. Sweet Hannah Abbot gushed at how Neville told her that he thought they were soulmates, bringing her two bunches of beautiful, lush flowers. Girls cooed at the story, telling her how lucky she was. Hannah was lucky; having found her soulmate and that being Neville Longbottom, Hogwarts’ sweetheart.

Girls continued to chatter about their soulmate and how close they were to finding them and how excited they were. This only made your blood boil as you angrily tossed things into the cauldron now, fists tightening. “(Y/N), take it easy,” Ron laughs next to you as he watches you angrily toss things into your concoction.

“Oh, I’m sorry, Ronald. Is my frustration bothersome? I can’t help it that I’m one of the last people in this school to find their soulmate after relentlessly searching for signs that they’re still alive,” you angrily tear up dragonfly thoraxes, tossing them into the potion as Ron just watches you concerned. “I mean bloody hell, there are fourth years who have found their soulmates and I’m still clueless as if they even go to school here. You’d thing finding one person wouldn’t be so hard, but damn it, Ronald, I’m so exhausted of hearing everyone else’s stories and how happy they are and how in love people are whilst I’m standing here trying to figure out if I still have a soulmate at this point!” you whisper yell at him, growing angrier with every word you utter. “Ugh, whatever I ju-Ow! Fuck!” you hiss as you realize you’ve burnt your hand on the open flame that licks the the cauldron. 

Ron looks at the burn and his eyes widen. “Not again,” he huffs, having been through this before. “Come here, we’ll have to run it under ice water to stop the stinging,” Ron tells you, grabbing an empty cauldron. “Aguamenti,” he casts on the cauldron, filling it up with cold water as you submerge it fully, the stinging sensation subsiding. “Professor Slughorn! (Y/N) seems to have burnt her hand,” Ron calls over Slughorn who is attentive at another work table.

Slughorn turns around and lightly chuckles, “You too, Miss (Y/L/N)? Mr. Malfoy seems to have also burnt his hand. One moment and I’ll be right with you to take a look at the burns.”

Your eyes widen and your heart sinks for a moment. “O-Okay,” you stutter before you turn to Ron who looks at you in disbelief. Draco Malfoy? No. Absolutely not. No way. Not a chance. “It’s a coincidence,” you tell Ron with a shake of your head in disbelief. “Everyone burns their hand in Potions. It happens all the time,” you try to convince yourself as you focus on your hand in the cold water, watching it clench and flex underneath the surface. 

Ron opens up his mouth in protest, but you give him a look as if to say don’t you dare try to rationalize this. Ron sighs. “Whatever you say. It’s your soulmate,” he shrugs with a little smile. 

“Shut up, Ronald, or I’ll tell Lavender,” you warn him and he instantly shuts up.

The thought of Draco Malfoy being the person the universe chose to be your soulmate made you feel physically ill. Draco was nothing you wanted in a soulmate. He was cruel and vindictive and ill-mannered and vicious. He had no care for anyone except if it benefit him in some form. How could you manage to care for someone with a character like that? 

You glanced over at Draco who watched as Professor Slughorn wrapped his badly burned handle in cream colored gauze. The motion of him wrapping the gauze around his hand was almost hypnotizing as you watched it go round and round, your eyes trailing up to Draco’s face. His face was relaxed, but his jaw was clenched and tense, accentuating his bone structure of his face. Slowly, his head turned to face yours, his cold blue eyes meeting yours as you gulped. When he looked at you, your heart thumped against your chest like a drum. Shaking it off, you look back down at your hand, but you can still feel Draco’s eyes on you. 

“If he’s my soulmate, I don’t know what I’ll do,” you whisper down, not daring to make eye contact with Ron. 

------------

Another week passed and their was radio silence from your soulmate. Nothing. However, you were kind of glad there was nothing after what happened in Potions class. You wouldn’t let yourself entertain the thought that Draco Malfoy could be your soulmate in some timeline. The more you thought about it, the sicker it made you feel. 

When you passed him in the hall, you refused to look in his direction and him you. The both of you knew what the other way thinking, but wouldn’t dare confront the other about it. It was far too risky to play that game. No need to talk about something if neither one of you wanted it to be true. 

You found yourself hanging out in the courtyard, messing around with a few of your friends as you sat on the grass, absorbing the brilliant spring sun. People chattered amongst themselves, delighted to be surrounded with their friends. As you leaned up against the tree, you chat lightly to Ron, watching other people toss around a ball, others lay around in the grass, some reading books. “Lavender finally off your back?” you ask Ron, giving him a nudge with a smile. 

Ron rolls his eyes, “Bloody finally. It only took forever.” You chuckle before resting your head on his shoulder. “Anything from you? We haven’t talked about it since....you know...” he trails off, not daring to say his name like it was You-Know-Who.

But he was always around. There was no escaping him. There he was, standing in the courtyard, surrounded by his little bitch boy posse as you sneered, “No. And I’m not even entertaining the thought that it’s him. He’s horrid.” 

Ron chuckled lightly, giving your arm a squeeze. “Alright, let’s get your mind off of him. Did you do the DaDa homework? Because I certainly did not and Hermione told me she won’t let me use hers again ‘cause I used hers last week.”

The two of you keep chatting for a little while until you feel a sharp pain in your left side, like the one you had all those weeks ago. “Ah,” you wince in pain as you hands meet you left side, clutching it in pain, writhing. “Not again.”

Ron turns and faces you, placing a hand on your shoulder. “You alright? What do you mean not again?” he asks, searching your eyes for some clarity. “You need a medic? Someone? Hannah? Come over here!” Ron calls out to Hannah Abbot who lays on the ground, head in Neville’s lap. She shoots straight up to meet you at your side, asking you what the problem was.

“It’s fine. This happened a few weeks ago. You can ask my roommate about it. I think it’s my soulmate actually. They hurt themselves badly and it seems like, ah shit, they’ve done it again,” you seethe in pain as you clutch onto your side, electricity shooting up and down your sides. 

Hannah looks at you and grabs your shoulders, trying to get you to stop contorting your body. “Don’t move, it’ll only make the pain worse, alright?” she tells you. “The pain should subside if it’s only your soulmate’s pain and not yours directly. That being said, you have any clue who your soulmate is? Are they at Hogwarts? ‘Cause if they are here, we can get them help which will ultimately help you,” Hannah explains.

And that’s when the moment you dreaded finally came. You gulp, your chest heaving up and down from the pain as you look up through your eyelashes to look across the courtyard. And low and below, there he was. Clutching onto his side, wincing in pain as he threw an arm over Blaise Zabini’s shoulder, using him as a crutch. 

From the distance, you hear him speak, “I’m fine. Honestly. I think I reopened whatever injury I got from that quidditch practice a few weeks ago. I’m alright, Blaise, honestly, no need to fuckin’ baby me.” Draco untangles himself from Blaise as brushes off his shirt while still wincing lightly at the pain.

Your heart sinks into your feet and all of a sudden you feel lightheaded. So the day in Potions class was real. Draco didn’t coincidentally burn his hand too. He felt your burn because you were soulmates. You felt his rib injury because you were soulmates. Draco Malfoy was destined to be yours. 

“I’ve got to go. Now,” you try and scramble to your feet, pushing through the burning pain up and down your ribcage, ignoring Ron and Hannah’s protests that you needed to take it easy. “The pain is gone. I’m fine. I need to go,” you simply call out, walking away from the group in the courtyard.

You were on a mission now and you were going to put an end to this. Once and for all. Without further hesitation, you grab your bag and start marching over to the other side of the courtyard to where Draco was. As you do so, he notices you approaching and starts to leave the courtyard, trying to prevent you and him having some sort of interaction. “God Godric, really, Malfoy?” you huff out to yourself, knowing that if this was the way he was reacting to the news, the future didn’t look too bright.

Draco starts to march through the corridors as you are quick on his heels, chasing him like a predator chases its prey in the wild. Draco turns to see if you are still on his toes and much to his dismay, you are right behind him. “Malfoy, would you stop running away from me? We need to have a conversation!”

He scoffs, “No, you want to have a conversation. I would like to go back to the common room and take a load off.”

You groan out in frustration before taking up a light jog and grabbing a hold of his wrist, pulling him into an empty classroom. Before he can squirm away, you shut the door and put your back against it, preventing him from going anywhere. 

The two of you just stand there, glaring at each other, both gravely disappointed with the reality that just slapped you both in the face. No one says anything for a moment. You two are just breathing, heavy and hot in the room, a few feet separating the two of you. Neither one of you dared to take a step closer to the other. 

“What’s the problem, (Y/L/N)?” Draco tucks his hands into his pockets, playing the fool. Pretending he isn’t bothered by this information that your souls were made for each other. He was trying to play it cool whilst inside his mind was screaming and shouting, how could this have happened? Someone like you with someone like him. The universe had to have made a mistake.

Oh, Malfoy, you fool. The universe doesn’t make mistakes.

Your chest is still heaving up and down as you speak, “We’re soulmates, Draco.”

He shakes his head, “Sure. Whatever that means. Congratulations, we did it. Go us. Now can you kindly move your arse out of the way so I can go relax in peace?”

“No!” you exclaim, firmly planted at the door, glaring at him. “Listen, I’m just as unhappy as you are with this outcome!” you reveal as Draco gulps with a scowl on his face. “But the universe chose us as soulmates for some reason and I’m going to listen to the universe. We both can’t ignore it anymore.” 

Draco looks away from you, refusing to look you in the eyes. For some reason, looking at you in the eyes was too much for him. It felt like you were looking into his soul, you knew all of his secrets with just a gaze into those iceberg eyes of his. 

“That day in Potions, you didn’t burn your hand...” you gently coax him. “That was my burn that you felt.”

“So what! We both burned our hands in Potions! That doesn’t make us any more or less soulmates!” he explodes in fury.

His sudden change in demeanor makes you change tactics. You knew that this conversation would be hard to have with Draco, but not like this. You didn’t think he would succumb to acting like a child at this news. Finding your soulmate should be something to celebrate, to rejoice about, but instead it was an uphill battle. But one you intended to win.

“Alright then, you want to ignore Potions. Fine! What about your rib cage? Four weeks ago, I was writhing in pain on my bed one afternoon for hours from the pain. Ron told me that a quidditch player got injured during timed trials. He didn’t know who. So, today, I feel the same pain in my side in the courtyard, just to look up at see you writhing in pain in your side. You were the quidditch player, Draco. And don’t you dare lie to me and say it was someone else. Because we both know damn well that neither of us deserve to be lied to again!” you exclaim, hot tears now brimming in your eyes, threatening to spill out. 

Draco hears the emotion in your voice and watches your soft face crack to reveal a truly sad person. His eyes soften and he gulps, feeling horribly guilty. But he doesn’t let you know it. 

“When I was younger,” you sniffle, “I always wanted to meet my soulmate. I felt so badly for them because I always felt their pain. And my soulmate was always hurting. In his body, yes, but in his heart,” you try to reason with him. “I told my mum and dad that when I met my soulmate I would give them a hug because I didn’t want them to feel anymore pain. I wanted them to feel loved.” Your eyes search Draco’s for some glimmer of hope. You weren’t expecting a proclamation of love or realization. You were looking for hope. “We were destined for each other.”

Draco takes a deep breath in before speaking, “We may be destined for each other, (Y/N). But I don’t think we can ever love each other.”

His words leave you blank. That was the best way to describe the way you felt. You weren’t surprised he would say that, but you were shocked that he had actually done it. His sad smile means nothing to you; in fact, it feels like he just twisted the knife that was in your gut.

He manages to slip out of the classroom, leaving you there, numb and blank.

--------------

You didn’t sleep that night. It was nearly impossible to sleep. The scene just kept playing on and on and on in your head until it became a broken movie reel. Your mind screamed to close your eyes and sleep, but your memories manifested themselves into a sick nightmare as you jolted awake, heart pounding. 

Your roommates were still fast asleep as you peaked a look at your clock. 2:22am. Angel number now? Great. Well, where were you hours ago? 

Slowly, you toss your legs over the side of the bed and grab a sweatshirt and slippers, pulling the cozy material closer to your chilly body. Quietly, you descend the steps of your dormitory and away into the castle to go for a midnight stroll, hoping that you would be caught by the Head Boy or Girl or any other prefect that roamed the halls patrolling them from midnight stragglers. 

The halls of Hogwarts were quiet. But not in a scary way. In a comforting way. The pictures on the walls slept gently, small snores coming from a few pictures making a small smile draw its way onto your lips as you shuffles the halls. The air was cool and crisp as you breathed it in, the sensation cooling your lungs as you sighed. This was much needed after a day like today.

As you stroll further through the castle, you come across the courtyard again and you gulp. The scene plays over and over in your head. “We may be destined for each other, (Y/N). But I don’t think we can ever love each other.” His words were a sick mantra in your mind. How could you possibly spend the rest of your life with someone who didn’t even want to put in an ounce of effort? You were supposed to be loved. Give love. Get love. But instead, you ended up with a shattered daydream of what things could have been. 

You peel your eyes away from the courtyard and to the corridor where on the edge of the wall sits who you wanted to see least of all right now. Your heart stops at the sight of his white blonde hair, sloppily slicked back. His eyes were dark and tired. He couldn’t sleep either. 

Maybe you could slip away without him knowing you were even there. Maybe if you turned around you coul-

“My father was ruthless to me as a child,” Draco speaks up without looking at you. You stop in your tracks and listen. Slowly, he turns to face you and gives you a sad smile. “Still is, to an extent. Not as physically ruthless, but...you get the idea,” he confesses as you sigh and walk over to him, taking a seat beside him on the cold brick, leaning your back against the wall.

Draco gulps and settles before continuing on. “I was always worried. That whenever he would make me feel hurt, my soulmate would feel it. My mother tried to tell me that they would be just fine, but I knew....I knew that she was lying to protect me. Protect me from whatever it was,” he trails off, becoming quiet. In the dark, you couldn’t really tell, but you knew he was softly crying, tears falling down from the pools of blue in his eyes. “I’m so sorry that you had to feel what I felt growing up...he’s a monster. My own father...”

You scoot over closer to Draco and shake your head. None of this was his fault. “Draco, you don’t need to apologize to me. Your father is despicable and you are not him,” you tell him as Draco wipes his tears before you could see them. He didn’t want to cry in front of you yet. “I’m so sorry you had to go through that all those years.”

He shakes his head, “You know, for years, I tried to convince myself that I didn’t have a soulmate,” he lightly laughs. “That way, I only had to protect myself. It was selfish of me. But...obviously, that didn’t work out. I would feel your pain too. I remember one day in third year, something had happened to you. You were running and you fell and you broke your arm. I remember yelling out in pain in the common room and Goyle looked at me like I had ten heads,” he laughs as you joined him, smiling at the memory. He was right. You were running with Ron when you had tripped and fallen in Hogsmeade and broke your right arm. “I remember you came back with a bright orange cast and everyone signed it in Divinations class. You told everyone Madam Pomfrey said you didn’t need a cast because of the Healing Potion, but you insisted on getting one because you had one when you were eight. I remember I thought you looked cute smiling and giggling as people wrote their get wells on your broken arm.”

The smile that appears on your face is wide as your heart gently flutters as he remembered all the tiny details of when you broke your arm. Draco knew for so long that you were soulmates and yet, you were so dead clueless. 

“I didn’t want to tell you that we were soulmates because I didn’t want you to be disappointed,” Draco confesses. “I guess I’m a bit too late on that one, eh?”

You shake your head and sigh, “No, Draco. I mean, do I think you’re a down right dickhead? Absolutely.” He laughs. “But I don’t think it’s too late for you to start trying to act differently. If you can remember me breaking my arm in third year and remember what color the bloody cast was...I think you can work on being a better person. Not for me. But for you.”

Draco inhales deeply before shaking his head, exhaling. “I want to be better. For me, but I want to be what you deserve. If we’re going to...do this, I want to do it right. And if, by some fucked up reason,” he laughs as you chuckle, “it doesn’t work, then at least we know that we tried.”

You feel his hand grab yours as he intertwines his fingers with yours. You look down at his hands and smile, giving it a soft squeeze, assuring him that his proposal sounded like a plan. You were going to give this a go.

If the universe believed in you and Draco, why shouldn’t you?

“That’s all I can ask for,” you whispered gently.

“And I promise I’m going to do more than you ask for. I swear on my life.”

------

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