#and the story of Cody wasn’t told in the timeline we see

[clambucket]

I’ve come to admission that the gay agenda has a limit, natsby may be founded on the hard rock or the wet marshes, but after a certain point I don’t care what it’s founded on. When I came back to this narrative perspective I felt that it may be a fun and silly head canon that I still enjoy, but leaving the statement at “Nick was in love with Gatsby, and Gatsby loved him back” erases large parts of their characters, flaws, and foundations.

[ruminate88]

Grew Dubbs

I had believed I was now in a “relationship” with Andrew, we had both finally said the words I wanted to say all summer long, “I love you”. However, after such a romantic and exciting weekend, Andrew stops responding to me. Nothing for almost a week! I was so confused, hurt, it felt like he stuck a knife in me! I’m freaking out, afraid he’s ghosted me just like Cody did. I can’t quite remember the whole timeline but during that week I know I tried to reach out to him. At some point he’s updating his Snapchat story with a selfie of himself wearing some kind of suit with all these awards pinned on him, so that made me believe he was busy doing something important but I still didn’t understand how he didn’t have 2 seconds to text me what was going on.

Eventually come Saturday morning, he FINALLY sends me a Snapchat selfie of himself working some kind of booth with a badge around his neck and he writes to me, “Sorry I’ve been so busy, talk to you soon!” That snap was just enough to give me a little bit of “hope” but was also less than I deserved. I should have saw through him right then but after all, he had been bread crumbing me all summer. He had been giving me just enough to believe he “liked me” but wasn’t actually being with me or changing anything between us.

I responded to his Snapchat hopeful but still upset and very confused. Not realizing all that he was doing to me was part of his manipulation towards me. THEN come another day or so later, he starts talking to me again and apologized!! Said that “he had a very bad week at school” but when I asked him what happened to him, he said, “I don’t want you to worry”… I was worried and confused!!! I poured out my heart to him how I was hurt that I JUST told him I loved him and then he disappears for a whole week. Asked him was it all just “pretend” to see my nudes… (I was right but I was scared to admit the truth even then)

Andrew swore to me everything was fine that I wasn’t crazy, he did have a bad week at school but was sorry he didn’t text me and said, “I mean it with all my heart and soul that I love you and want you to text me” …. At THAT TIME, I was so desperate for his love and attention, I gobbled up the crazy delusional lie he was feeding me and tried to give him my trust. I had never had anyone say such “romantic and crazy” words like that to me before.

During this sensitive and venerable time with Andrew, I’m obsessively googling him trying to understand who he is and what his intentions were. His social media made him out to be some popular and well-to do man of college and I wanted to believe what I was seeing… Plus he was becoming very attractive to me and I was caught up in his blue eyes.

Andrew continued to talk to me some each day for a couple of months but it was all still “flirting” and cyber sex. He stopped sending me nudes or selfies just texted me. I was disappointed because I am under the impression we are “in a relationship” but it doesn’t feel like we are. Andrew continued to seem like he was doing his own thing at school and while he was texting me, wasn’t posting anything about me on any of his social media!!! That really bothered me because I had nothing to hide and yet I felt he did.

I didn’t realize Andrew was emotionally unavailable and that he doesn’t truly attach to people the way I do. I also didn’t understand he can not deal with anyone who gets upset towards him. I wasn’t there in his childhood, I have no idea how he came to be but as I learn about narcissism, I can piece together what happened between us. One night, he had stopped replying to me which was his normal but not mine. I was getting frustrated at how “busy” he was acting in school and how little he was making me feel like his girlfriend yet we were constantly sexting and sending hearts to each other.. I had a party to go to at a friend’s house,. While I’m there, I notice Andrew has updated his Snapchat with a selfie of himself and it reads, “pizza and watching a movie” Instantly I was emotional and upset because he has stopped responding to me, leaving me to believe he’s “busy” only to find out he’s on his Snapchat and only watching tv.

I quickly started sending him very long typed out text with ALL my feelings how I’m so confused that I’m his “girlfriend” yet he leaves me on read, no responses and all I want is a relationship with him. I can’t remember everything I typed out but I poured out my heart and soul to this boy, trying to make sense of who he is and what his intentions are! Andrew began to respond but said, “You scared me with all these text. Don’t scare me like that!!” MY FEELINGS SCARED HIM?? (I should have saw ALL the red flags then) I just didn’t understand because I’m coming from a different viewpoint of “love” and “relationship” whereas, he’s coming from a viewpoint of “selfishness” and “manipulation”. I just had no idea. Andrew of course apologized, once again he “reassured me” about our relationship, treated me as if I was crazy to believe what I was actually seeing and understanding that he DID care about me and want to be with me…. So I FELT STUPID for my feelings that I threw up all over his phone and I was just relieved to hear from him. Was relieved he was saying he wanted to be with me, not even paying attention to the fact his actions was not matching his words! That’s manipulation!!! I was coming from a a desperate place for his love and attention and his desperate pace was one of needing me to believe his B.S and stay obsessed with him. He wanted me going crazy and second guessing myself and my reality but could not ever deal with confrontation with me. Avoided it like a plague!! (Which is what a lot of narcissists do. They avoid taking responsibility for their actions!)

Things with Andrew never got better. He spent October and November hardly texting me, not sending me any snaps and I was afraid to send him snaps but whenever I would talk to him, it was always flirting!! Thanksgiving, I don’t hear from him all day and I’m once again typing out big long text but afraid to send them. I keep re-wording how I want to say what it is that’s bothering me. Finally I can’t remember if I went through with sending him something or he sent me something but it was a very bad thanksgiving!! I was supposed to be enjoying my family but I was tied to my phone, only obsessed with him and upset he’s ignored me all day (his girlfriend) later that night though, we finally started texting and both said we were out Black Friday shopping. I was yet again hopeful but it’s almost like I knew something was wrong.

Christmas break is about to start now and it starts out super super romantic…. He’s not left his apartment and went home yet but his classes our out and suddenly he’s texting me like crazy!! He was suddenly being very romantic and flirting with me so much. Calling me babe and finally making me feel like possibly I really am his girlfriend. It made me think he truly had just been so busy with school but I wasn’t sure. I was just happy we were spending time texting although most of it was cyber sex as usual!! Nothing ever got on a deeper level. I tried and wanted to get there but I was already walking on egg shells with him. I didn’t wanna push and rock the boat.

Christmas Day, I woke up so hopeful. It’s my favorite holiday, I knew I was going to be with my family and get gifts but I was most excited to have a boyfriend. I wake up and rush to check my phone for my “good morning babe” text and…. Nothing…. He never sent me anything so I told myself “it’s Christmas morning, he’s probably with his family.” I waited and waited and waited some more!! It wasn’t till the very end of the night when I FINALLY got a “merry Christmas babe”… ugh. I was deflated and frustrated. He asked me was it a good day for me and when I told him it wasn’t because he didn’t text me all day till the night, suddenly Andrew started to act funny.

Christmas night, started a whole bizarre conversation that should have told me everything I needed to know about Andrew but I was too ignorant and uneducated about narcissism to understand what was happening. Andrew began to express to me from his most honest self(which isn’t very honest) Andrew started sending me long text for a change but was saying, “I don’t know why you love me. I’m not a good guy and you deserve so much better than me. I’m not good enough for you and I’ll never be worthy of your love!!” I asked him where was it all coming from and thought for sure he was breaking up with me. I’m reading his long and confusing text messages he’s sending, one right after the other, with my eyes filling up and a tear running down my cheek. I was truly disappointed and heartbroken that he would dump me on my favorite holiday, dumping me over text out of the blue BUT when I asked him was he breaking up, he said, “no….” Andrew sounded like he wanted to break up, he was saying he didn’t deserve me, wouldn’t tell me why he felt that way other than the fact he was telling me the truth who he really was but I wasn’t seeing it. I was anxious and afraid to lose him!!! By him bringing me to the edge on Christmas, I was just getting more and more desperate for him.

He has to realign me, after Christmas he saw how shaky I was and confused. New Year’s Eve came and up until that point, nothing had changed between us. I was not expecting him to treat me any better however, at midnight I send him a loving but hopeful new years text expressing my desperation to kiss him. He responded which I wasn’t sure he would AND he also expressed his desire to kiss me too!!! I had been so nervous towards him and walking on eggshells that I was trying to be careful what I sent him. Andrew told me he was with his family but was getting to go out with some guy friends and actually said to me, “Do you mind that I go with my guy friends for the rest of the night?” What was I to say? No???? We hadn’t even met in person, up until that point, he had not asked my permission for anything. It was like a light switch came on and he was a different person!! I told him yes to enjoy his guy friends but be safe. He told me he would and then text me “I’ll miss you babe😘” I was SHOCKED and without words. Who was this guy and why the sudden interest in me?? We had been so hot and cold, only having cyber sex, I was losing faith in our relationship but that one text gave me hope yet again to keep making myself stay in this abusive relationship. I went to bed that night in a delusional state of mind that we loved each other and would be happy together….

[totaldramamarching]

Oneshot Friday!

#8: Of Systems and Saxophones

A story in which Sky and Zoey teach Svetlana how to survive marching band and talk about her feelings while she’s stuck fronting. Set within the current blog timeline.

DISCLAIMER: I am not apart of a system. This was written after a lot of research and discussions. If any systems find this incorrect, misleading, and/or offensive, please let me know!

“So you can’t hear anyone?”

Most of the band had been given permission to take a break from sectionals, so they all gladly journeyed back to the air-conditioned band room. Once there, Leshawna entertained Dave and Cody with a dramatic story of some long-forgotten marching incident while Sky and Zoey sat some feet away on the cheap carpeted floor of the WHS band room. With them was an apprehensive Mike -- or, well, an apprehensive Mike’s body, anyways. Currently, Svetlana was the one who sat across from the other girls.

“No,” Svetlana answered, fiddling with the edge of Mike’s shorts. Her voice was notably higher than Mike’s, a little lighter, like the sound waves were floating. It took away all the bite her Russian accent would otherwise have. “Usually, I hear Mike, sometimes Manitoba, but zey are not here. I zink I am stuck.”

Zoey pursed her lips. “If you don’t mind me asking, Svetlana, how long have you been out?”

Svetlana scrunched her nose in thought, something that Zoey noticed that Mike didn’t do -- not that she watched him closely enough to notice that or anything.

“Two days?” Svetlana eventually said, though she sounded unsure. “Sorry, our memory is blurry.”

Sky nodded to herself. “That would explain why ‘Mike’ didn’t know where his dots were yesterday.” She sighed. “Thank you for telling us, Svetlana. I’m glad that you trust us. If you want, I can tell the directors about your, uh, situation. I’m sure they’ll understand. Or I can tell them Mike was sick if you don’t want them to know.”

Zoey smiled. “You can stay here once sectionals start, is what she means.”

Svetlana, on the other hand, frowned. “I want to march, properly. Now is perfect time! Zere are no teeny grass blades to remember.”

She was right, Zoey thought. They were just reviewing fundamentals after break, so Svetlana wouldn’t have to remember all the intricacies of Mike’s drill charts. Just all the intricacies of marching fundamentals, which, given her flowy impressions, she also didn’t know too well.

“You look more like you’re doing a rhythmic gymnastics routine than marching,” Sky joked.

“Or ballet,” Zoey offered. “It does kind of look like dancing.”

“Svetlana is Queen of Gymnastics, of course I dance.” Zoey giggled. “But Mike loves zhe marching! I want to give it zhe try. Maybe spin flag, perhaps?”

Zoey cocked her head slightly, and her pigtails drooped with it. “Unfortunately, Mike isn’t on colorguard, but I can show you some moves if you want! We have time,” she said.

“We do!” Sky energetically affirmed. “Don’t worry, Svetlana. You’re a fast learner. With proper instruction, you’ll have a perfect roll step in five minutes, tops!”

Svetlana practically leapt off the ground, waiting in excitement as Zoey and Sky got off the floor in a much more mundane manner. Sky and Svetlana went to the foyer as Zoey grabbed some flags -- the area had a lot more space and a lot less people.

Sky went on to explain how Svetlana should hold her posture, and Svetlana copied her every word. Her head was high, her legs were straight, her toes were up. In some ways she looked more professional than Mike, who had the tendency to slouch and wobble if he wasn’t focused.

When Sky told her the importance of control, balance, rigidity, she got it almost instantly. Turns out all she needed was someone rehashing the basics. With it, she graduated from normal forwards marching to backwards marching faster than most sophomores. It was fascinating to watch. Sky’s eyes followed her as she marched up and down the foyer.

“How is zis?” Svetlana asked as she swung her leg back like a pendulum, perfect form for backwards marching.

Sky chuckled. “Don’t tell Mike, but I think you’re a natural.”

“Yes, I am knowing zis.”

At that moment, Zoey returned with two six-foot flags. Sky leaned against the wall as Svetlana giddily grabbed one,

Somehow, Svetlana caught on to colorguard skills even faster. She even managed to perform a double toss without breaking any lights. The flag just looked so natural in her hands.

“Wow, Svetlana, you’re amazing!” Zoey complimented.

“Well, a flag is similar to a rhythmic gymnastics apparatus,” Sky commented.

“Colorguard is simply gymnastics on zhe blades of grass,” Svetlana said, moving from a graceful swan-like pose to performing drop spins.

“With marching fundamentals,” Zoey added.

“With zhe marching fundamentals,” Svetlana repeated. Her voice faltered slightly, as did her form. Sure enough, her arms drooped down, causing the top of her flag to scrape the foyer tile. The flag was planted at a forty-five degree angle, unmoving, as Svetlana stared blankly at the floor. Sky and Zoey glanced at each other, worry filling their faces.

“It is shame. Mike loves zhe marching,” Svetlana mumbled out. “I hate to take zhe marching away.”

Oh.

“I don’t think you’re taking it away,” Zoey quickly amended, approaching her friend gingerly.

Sky was right on the red-head’s heels. “I mean, there has to be a reason you’re the one in front, right?” she suggested. “Maybe you’re in front because Mike knew you could handle marching, being the one who does gymnastics and everything.”

Svetlana playfully scoffed. “Svetlana can handle any-zing.”

Zoey smiled in approval, turning her head to look out the glass doors. “Of course.”

“You can’t help the fact that you’re stuck out here,” Sky continued. “So you’re not really taking anything away, right?”

Svetlana shook her head, tapping her fingers on her knees. “Band is Mike’s, so zhe rest of us usually do not front in band unless triggered or pushed.”

“It doesn’t have to be just his,” Zoey said. “You really looked in your element when you were spinning, Svetlana.”

“And you were pretty happy when just marching, too,” Sky added.

“I do not want just zhe marching,” Svetlana said, quieter and gentler than either of the girls ever heard her spoke. “I want to spin flag. I want to perform.”

But performing would take marching away from Mike, Zoey finished in her head. Therein lied the dilemma.

“I think,” Zoey started, “when you can start hearing the others again, you should try to get in touch with Mike about this. I probably don’t know him as well as you do, but I don’t see him being super possessive over band. You guys can come to some solution, even if it’s just learning routines to random songs at my house after school.”

“Or you could be co-conscious!” Sky piped up.

Zoey furrowed her brow. “Co-what?”

“Co-conscious. When more zhan one of us are aware of zhe outside,” Svetlana supplied.

“Oh, got it.”

“Bottom line, you don’t have to feel guilty for enjoying something that Mike enjoys, too,” Sky said. There are a lot of different ways to go about this that don't shut anyone out.”

Svetlana smiled. She wasn’t as bouncy as usual, but at least she wasn’t upset anymore. “Zhank you, Sky, Zoey.”

“No problem.”

“Of course!”

As if on cue, Mr. Hatchet’s voice boomed from the band room. “Alright, guys, party’s over!” Be back to sectionals in five!” And thus, everyone poured back onto the field, even the trio from the foyer, even Svetlana.

To Svetlana’s credit, she was great at marching. She only wished she could hold a flag, too.

[filipinoizukuu]

I have the notebook in hand now I beg you for explanation

HSBFNDSJNFVN my dearest snail oh jeez 😭 i have about maybe dozens of stories about accidentally being y/n, so i'm prayin and hopin none of my IRLs see this. Some details hidden for privacy.

LONG story ahed, so be warned.

-

So. End of winter to early spring about a year before COVID-19. I was still a little snot-nosed high schooler hanging out with my friends and generally being a nuisance upon society. For those of you that have never seen me in real life, the first thing you need to know was that I was adorable, female-presenting, and had the appearance of a goody-two-shoes star student down to a T.

Now, the second thing you need to know is about my friend group and how a majority of them were guys.

I'm not talking about like, darling boy-next-doors and fellow star-student nerds. I'm talking about teenage boys. GUYS guys. Rowdy and wrestling in the hallways, getting into fights, and pulling (harmless) pranks on each other kind of guys. The gross type because I love my friends but even I can admit they're kind of gross.

One day after school, we're hanging out in someone's truck on the way to a get-together. There are about four of us just chilling, me being the only girl. Someone's phone goes off and we look to see one of us pick up his phone.

Now, this friend, let's call him S.

S picks up the phone and starts talking to it. We hear bits and pieces of the conversation and he sounds a little nervous. He puts the phone down and looks at us with a weird expression and says he needs to get home.

"What gives, S?" we ask, slouching in our seats and drinking sweet tea, like all other self-respecting teenage hooligans. "Who was that?"

S explains to us very carefully that he just got off the phone with his auntie and that she wants to have a sit-down and dinner with him. We coo and make fun of him a little and acquiesce, driving on over to his place to drop him off and embarrass him in front of his parents as friends do. We tell him as much when S lights up and looks at us like he just got the world's best idea.

(Heads up! It was not.)

"Guys! I have a better idea."

The rest of us look at each other. "Which is...?"

"What if I pretend to have a girlfriend to impress my Aunt?"

Record scratch. Pause. I suddenly remember that I am the only pretty 'ole lady in this small and stuffy truck. In an instant, all eyes on the vehicle are on me.

No, hell no. I think to myself, there's no way I'm ever going to do this. This is how every fanfic starts and I am absolutely not emotionally available enough to do this. And you know what? That's exactly what I should've said.

Instead, what came out of my mouth was this:

"Buy me a tub of ice cream and I'm all yours."

And thus, the devil's deal was sealed.

Minutes later, we're exiting the truck and looking over at S's white picket fence and perfectly maintained garden. S goes with me and I suck it up, bracing myself for the performance of my lifetime. We do not hold hands and our other friend (E) walks behind us while dying of laughter. S opens the door and we are immediately greeted by the sight of his kind-looking Auntie welcoming him with open arms.

S waltzes in.

"Auntie... this is my girlfriend, Codi."

Now, a quick word about me and how I was in real life at the point of this story. I looked the part of an adorable overachieving student, and while my grades did match up, my attitude sure as hell didn't. I'm naturally a very loud and boisterous person. I 'get into fights' and curse just as well as the rest of them. I had a reputation in a few areas for having the knack of making my underclassmen cry. The point being, I wasn't a saint.

But I was a damn good actor.

"Hi Auntie!" I greet with the peppiest and highest voice I could manage. I skip towards her and shake her hand, smiling like a cracked-up cheerleader in a Coca-Cola ad from the '80s when they made it with actual cocaine. "Your nephew S is just about the sweetest thing ever. He's so nice and smart and I'm incredibly lucky to have him!" I lie through my teeth.

In the background, I can hear E on the verge of deranged cackling while S just stands there and coughs into his fist like an emotionally constipated tuberculosis patient.

My Limit of the Day has been reached, so I shoot Auntie S a quick grin when she enthusiastically thanks me for my services and then haul my ass out their door, E hot on my heels. We leave S behind to deal with whatever shitstorm came after and I tried my best to not look back.

The moment the old truck door slams shut behind us, E abso-fucking-lutely loses it, guts busting with how much he's laughing. We high-tail it to the get-together and I make him swear up and down to not mention it for the rest of the day. It's over, at this point, the thing's been done and there's no other damage than my sanity and maybe S's relationship with his aunt. At least, that is what I thought.

Hours later, S texts me.

hey so um. remember that thing earlier?

Odd question, because how could I not?

yeah so. my aunt stayed for dinner and my parents arrived early and they asked me about school so. long story short... my whole family thinks we're dating.

Predictably, I lose my mind. I ask myself how I got into this situation and then imagine the sweet, sweet ice cream waiting for me at the end of this ride. I'm like, okay! This isn't so bad! It's actually really funny if I think about it enough. At least it's contained, right? I say my famous last words. It's not like I'll ever actually meet his family again.

So I go to bed and decidedly Pass Go, Collect $200 on any fanfics or other friendly drama that night.

The next week, I walk into school. I'm going about my normal business when I bump into my friend group. They pounce on me like a hound of dogs, making rounds of congratulations with varying faces of amusement. "What?" I go, like an oblivious idiot.

From like 15 feet down the hall, a familiar figure turns the corner and I lock eyes with him. Something clicks into place and I realize that there were actual witnesses to S's convoluted brownie-points shenanigan that I didn't consider.

"E," I say. "you are so fucking dead."

My friend group, who E had apparently told about my whole schtick as S's Rent-a-Girlfriend, breaks out into laughter and dodges as I power-walked my way to kick E's shins with the fury of a thousand 5'3 suns.

We went about the rest of our day until it hit lunch break, and of course who else to apparently wait for me in front of my class other than S himself.

S grabs me by the wrist and pulls me along throughout the campus. We're lightly conversing the whole time, me weaseling a time and date to my beloved reward tubs of ice cream as promised. Without me realizing it, we end up in front of two very familiar rooms.

Another thing, really quickly, about this whole storyline. S was not just an ordinary friend, you see. He was special, in a way, in such that his two closest friends were my crush (at the time) and his best friend who I'd recently rejected. Now those two have a whole 'nother story on their own which I'd deign to discuss publically, so you'll have to settle for those apt descriptions.

So, those two aforementioned mutual friends of ours walk out of those rooms and turn to make eye contact with us. They laugh, good-naturedly, and I sigh in relief because it seems that of all people, E had not gotten the hot gossip to them just yet.

I beckon the two of them over, being none the wiser and thinking we could take our break together when the final straw hits

S throws his arm over my shoulders and pulls me closer.

"Hey guys, Codi's my girlfriend now!"

... You can guess where the argument fits now in this timeline.

(I got my ice cream very shortly after. We're all friends now and it's all water under the bridge! This was a long story so if you've made it this far, just know that this is all but a funny memory to look back on for me and I've since moved on.)

[teaspacebar]

war of hearts part v: drinks, family, and wanting

summary: cody has drinks with his boys, you have some family bonding time, and you and cody finally get a moment to yourselves.

words: 2.2k+

beta: @ambereyesandwine​

taglist (open): @morganas-pendragons​ @deathlessdays​ @obiorbenkenobi​  @painkiller80 @abovethyfold @the-lady-of-stars @my-own-oracle​

a/n: i love this part so much!! i’m bringing in more canon information to actually get a timeline down so you can see where in the clone wars story we are! i hope you all enjoy!

masterlist

When Cody went to 79’s – which was very little – he usually ended up in a shared booth with Wolffe, Rex, and Maverick. Each of the boys would spend time with their respective squad before eventually making their way to the back corner. It had the best view of the whole place and allowed them to keep eyes on their boys without hovering.

“You look jumpier than normal,” Rex commented, taking a sip from his beer.

“He’s waiting for the Commander,” Maverick replied, covering his chuckle with a cough at Cody’s glare.

Wolffe raised an eyebrow, “Yours?” At Maverick’s nod he continued, “She’s the one that stopped a civil war breakin’ out by teaching them how to make bread?” Cody tried to keep a smile off his face – he could picture the scene in his head. “She gave General Plo Koon a whole basket a’ baked goods the other day. Should’a seen her face when he said he can’t eat that kind a’ food.”

“She’s coming to 79’s, then? She’ll be recognized right away,” Rex said.

Maverick shrugged, “She doesn’t wear her robes much, plus the rest of my boys wouldn’t hesitate to start a fight if anyone gave her a hard time.”

Cody gave a quick nod in Maverick’s direction. He had grown comfortable with the Captain – the man had a good head on his shoulders and worked well with you – and Cody was glad to have the Juno Squadron looking out for you.

Cheers erupted from the bar, and Cody watched as several men crossed the room in the direction of the entrance. “Speak of the Jedi and they shall appear,” Wolffe leaned back into the booth.

Cody followed the moving figures until he saw your familiar form. You were wearing simple, black clothes – your robes gone, just like Maverick had said. He watched you glow, your smile shining so brightly he thought his chest might burst. You greeted the Juno boys, receiving hugs from Bailey and Ziggy. A drink was pushed into your hands by Flare, grin on his face. It took Cody a moment to realize that you were staring back at him. You broke the gaze momentarily to say something to Salem, who gave a nod in response.

“Aaaaand she’s coming over.” Rex clapped him on the shoulder, “I’m going to grab another drink.”

“Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do,” Wolffe smirked, leaving the booth with Rex.

You came strolling up a few seconds later, “Did I scare the party away?”  

“It’s because you’re obviously intimidating,” Maverick answered, chuckling when you poked him in the side. “I’ll go make sure that Flare doesn’t start another fight.” He sent a wink at the two of you before heading to the center of the bar.

You slipped into the booth next to Cody, leg brushing his. “Hey,” you said softly, eyes catching his.

“Hi,” he murmured back. His heart leapt as you intertwined your hands underneath the table. You looked exhausted. “Everything alright?”

You nodded, swirling your drink in your hand, “Obi-Wan has had so many meetings with the Council recently. The Republic can’t seem to get anything done, but I can barely understand politics itself.”

“You’re stressed,” Cody offered. You hummed noncommittally, leaning your head on his shoulder. “You and Obi-Wan have more in common than differences I think.”

A snort escaped you, “Because we’re both stressed? There’s a war going on that I’m not sure we can win, there’s reason to be stressed.” You sighed, “Sorry.”

“There’s nothing to be sorry for.” He pressed his lips to your hair, relishing in the small content sound that left your lips.

“I just want us to be able to just talk about things other than what we deal with every day.” You pulled away from him, smiling, “Like what were you and the boys talking about earlier?”

“Besides the war?” You rolled your eyes, giving him a pointed look as you swiped his drink from his hand. “It was ‘clone-talk’.”

“Mhm, right.” He loved the little perturbed look on your face. Your nose scrunched and your lips formed a perfect pout that he had the urge to kiss off.

No, he hadn’t kissed you again. Not since that night at the gala a month ago. And Cody was pretty sure the tension was getting to him. Any moment he had alone with you was interrupted. Not that there were many opportunities to be alone with you at all. Cody prided himself on being a patient man, but when it came to you, it was all thrown to the wind.

“Maybe I’ll go ask Wolffe, I can bribe him with more pastries.” Cody knew your threat wasn’t real because you snuggled up closer to his side.

“We should get you back to your room before you fall asleep at the table.”

“But I want to spend time with you,” your voice was muffled by his shirt.

“C’mon Pip, I’ll walk you and that’s how we’ll spend time together.” You pulled back quickly, blinking at him. Your mouth was open in a small ‘o’. “What?”

“You’ve never called me that before.”

Oh. He hadn’t, had he? He had called you by your name, but never by the term of endearment that the Juno Squadron – and even General Skywalker and Commander Tano – called you.

He started to apologize, but you placed your hand over his lips, “You can say it. It’s nice. More than nice, actually.” You lowered your hand back into his. “Walk with me?”

He didn’t think he could ever say no to you.

-

“Ahsoka!”

Said Padawan yelped in surprise as you all but tackled her from behind. Laughter bubbled up between the both of you as she carried you on her back with ease. She let you down, ducking away before you could poke her in the side.

“I heard you’re heading to Ilum with the younglings?”

Ahsoka nodded, “Yep, we’re leaving in a few days. You and Master Kenobi are leaving tomorrow, right?”

“We think we’ve found a lead on Grievous,” you answered. “Which is the most good news Obi-Wan has had in a while with…Maul being back,” you had lowered your voice to a whisper.

“Anakin’s been a little weird too,” Ahsoka mumbled back.

“I’ve been a little what, Snips?”

The both of you turned to see Anakin exiting a room – which now made sense as to why Ahsoka was just lingering in the hallway – with an eyebrow raised and his arms crossed.

“She said that I am far better at Dejarik than you.” You sidled up to Anakin, nudging him with your shoulder.

Anakin snorted, “Right, I’m sure.”

“I beat Obi-Wan.” You blinked innocently.

“…you did?”

You gave Ahsoka a look, which made you both burst out into another round of laughter.

“Should I be worried you three are causing trouble?” Obi-Wan entered the hallway from the same room Anakin had been in.

“No, Master,” the three of you responded, similar grins on your faces.

-

You were pacing the small length of the escape pod, unaware of two pairs of eyes that were on you. Ahsoka had been kidnapped by pirates. You knew that she could take care of herself, but you cared for the other Padawan like she was your younger sister. But the younglings were stranded – alone – without help.

Which the two men watching you knew set you on edge.

Obi-Wan spoke up first, “We will go after her as soon as we are picked up.” You felt the calm that he was pushing in your direction, and you let it wash over you. You spared a glance at Cody, who still had his helmet on. As you finally sat down next to him, his gloved hand brushed against yours. It was his way of checking in, to let you know that he was there even though he couldn’t be more obvious about it since your older brother figure who was also his commanding officer was less than three feet away from you.

“Thank you, Master.” You sent a small smile toward the Jedi.

Obi-Wan was always wonderful to you. You remembered a little from when you were a youngling yourself. It was always when Master Qui-Gon would visit. Obi-Wan would join him at times and you liked it when he read to you.

It had surprised you when he had bumped into you – or you, into him – at the Jedi Archives just a few years ago. It had surprised you even greater when he had taken you on as his Padawan. You were grateful for reasons you could not even begin to explain to him. One of which was also in the escape pod with you. There were so many moments you had wanted to talk to Obi-Wan about everything with Cody, but you had seen what he thought about Anakin’s feelings for Padme. You weren’t sure if Obi-Wan knew about their very real relationship and just chose to ignore it, or if he was in denial. Not that Anakin was great about hiding it.

“They’ll be able to get us in about an hour,” Obi-Wan said, leaning back in his seat.

“You didn’t happen to bring a game of Dejarik with you? Maybe they stowed one away in here?” You grinned as both men gave you a questioning look. “I may have told Anakin that I beat you at it.”

Obi-Wan rolled his eyes, “Of course you did.”

“I beat you at Dejarik,” Cody pointed out.

You whined, “Yes but I beat all of the boys except for Maverick.” You pouted for a moment – the boys were glad that they had diverted your attention away from the stranded children – before your mischievous grin was back on your face. “So, when do I get to see the two of you play?”

-

A light ‘beep’ from your comms had you jumping up from your bed and unlocking the door. It slid open to reveal a de-armored Cody standing out in the hallway on the Republic Rescue Cruiser that had picked you up. You were in-route back to Coruscant with Ahsoka and the younglings in tow – all safe and sound. You had found a vacant room on the ship that gave you a bit of distance from everyone else. After spending some time with the younglings, you had sent Cody a message to meet you there later. Which was why he was in front of you now.

You grabbed his hand, pulling him inside with a soft, “Hello.”

“I slipped away as soon as I could, we never usually–” He was cut off by you kissing the Force out of him, his back pressed against the now closed door. His hands landed on your waist, a small moan leaving his lips. He pulled his head away, ignoring the small pain that goes through his skull as it hits the door, “Pip.”

“Shut up and kiss me,” you demanded, grabbing his face with your hands to draw his lips back to yours. You needed him. It had been something you were figuring out since your first kiss. Every time his hands brushed up against you or he sent you one of his crooked smiles, heat would crawl up your neck and make its home in your cheeks.

You knew that you loved Cody.

But wanting him was an entirely different battle.

And not one that you were worried about losing as you were ready to devour him. Cody gasped, and you realized the energy that was pulsating in the room. It was like how you felt in that small closet, no space between you – except this time Cody was feeling it with you. “Okay?” You mumbled against his lips, afraid to overwhelm him. His only response was to grab the backs of your thighs and lift you up so you could wrap your legs around his waist. You giggled, kissing him sweetly. He carried you to the small bed, sitting on it so you could straddle him. He ran a hand through your hair, running his thumb down the side of your face. His warm eyes were gentle, hard lines of his face softened into something that was just for you.

“I thought we were going to talk about it before we did anything else,” the words left his lips and you could tell he was almost disappointed in himself. You sighed, knowing that the logical part of his brain was correct. Everything with him just felt right. You started to lift yourself from his lap, but he tugged you back down.

You quirked an eyebrow, “If we’re going to talk, I can’t be sitting on you.”

Cody narrowed his eyes playfully, and you enjoyed the lightness that seemed to envelop him. “Am I that distracting?”

“Yes, Cody.” He finally let go, allowing you to get up and sit beside him on the bed. You looked at him expectantly.

“I-uh,” he cleared his throat, “you and me, we’re–”

“I care about you,” you said simply. It was the truth. There was much more to that, but you understood that Cody wasn’t great with words about feelings. “And I know that there are a bunch of regulations and expectations. But I care about you and I don’t want to lose this.” You touched his scar with the tips of your fingers, and Cody leaned into your hand.

“We’ll look out for each other,” Cody provided.

“Like we always do,” you finished, a yawn escaping you.

“You should sleep.” The deadpan look on your face had him chuckling and pressing a kiss to your forehead.

You easily switch from sitting to laying on the bed, “Stay with me?”

He was right.

He couldn’t say no to you.

[gffa]

Clone Wars EP Dave Filoni breaks down the first episodes of the final season [x]

It’s been a long journey in a galaxy far, far away, but Star Wars: The Clone Wars is finally back. After its unexpected cancellation in 2013, fans had a new hope for the revered series. At Star Wars Celebration in 2015, audience members got to see rough animations (story reels) of a few unfinished episodes, including a plot focusing on imperfect clone soldiers called the Bad Batch. Those episodes make up the first arc of the seventh and final season, which debuted Feb. 21 on Disney+. After the premiere of the first two episodes, EW spoke with Clone Wars and The Mandalorian executive producer Dave Filoni about bringing back the series — and a fallen friend.

ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY: When you produced the first six seasons, the pace of production was pretty quick. But for this season, you had years to look back and reflect on the story. As you were looking to bring back these first few episodes was there anything you really wanted to go back and update?

DAVE FILONI: If you go back to the original series, what we put out in 2008, it's such a dramatic leap. But then you realize it's been 11 years since that show first aired, which is kind of striking for me that it's been so long. So there should be dramatic improvements, visually. I think that facial animation, the fidelity of the expression — things like that — we were able to improve in the animation itself. I really feel looking at this show now, it's kind of how >George [Lucas] and I envisioned it to look in the beginning. We just didn't have the tools necessary to actually realize it then. But over time with a lot of training, you know, like any good Jedi I learned my way.

One scene that's a little different from the original story reel of “The Bad Batch” is that it originally opened with a longer extended sequence between Mace, Anakin, Rex, and Cody. In the final version, you added a pretty touching scene between Rex and Cody talking about a lot of the fallen clones. What was the decision to add that scene in there?

I just thought the story was really dragging in the beginning. I felt like there was a whole lot of exposition, one too many scenes where they're saying what they're going to do instead of just doing it. And then I wanted to add a better sense of personal stakes to the story. You know, part of the consideration I had to make when doing this was, how do people even know who Echo is? I'm imagining a lot of people will just watch these 12 episodes and maybe not go back and watch the previous, you know, over 100 episodes where Echo plays a moderate role.

The Bad Batch are mutant clones who are new faces we meet at the top of the season. How did you go about designing the looks for these guys and also new clone hairstyles that I didn’t know were possible?

Yes, we always had this bizarre hairstyle trend with clones where they would pick ways to individualize. And the Bad Batch themselves, that was all right from George. He wanted to explore this idea that there were clones that were a little bit more unique from one another that were like a special forces unit that had enhanced skills. And so the trick for those characters is really making them feel special in what their abilities could be, but not making them superheroes. Wrecker should not be the Hulk, even though we love the Hulk and those types of stories. That's not what Star Wars is. So we had to keep it all kind of within the reality of Star Wars.

I loved the callback to clone 99 from season 3. Was that always the plan to call the Bad Batch "Clone Force 99"?

Yeah. That's where the idea kind of came from story-wise, was that, you know, 99 proved back in the original Clone Wars series to have greater heart and strength than some of the clones that were thought of better warriors, and Cody felt that that was worth exploring. And so he really lobbies the Kaminoans to take a second look at clones that they might deem different.

These first two episodes feature almost entirely clone troopers. Dee Bradley Baker voices all the clones — what was his reaction when he saw the script?

He has a unique skill where he's able to lend his voice to the individual nature of these characters. You forget it's one guy doing it. And I can tell you, it's exhausting for him. Being inside one character's mind is exhausting. And I can't imagine what it's like when he's in a whole squad of guys. And he's got to keep the energy up and he's got to keep the conflict up. And he's arguing with himself.

He and I over the years have had different ways to remember clones. When we were in the series we had certain words that would be like triggering for each of the clones — what their key personality was. The Bad Batch is a little easier, you know, because they're so different.

I think one of the coolest scenes that has ever come out of Clone Wars is the attack on the command center in episode 1 of this season. Do you remember plotting that out?

Yeah, that was really well-directed by Kyle Dulevy. George was always pushing us to think more in terms of what the live-action blocking would be and how a live-action film could do things. And that's where some of those longer takes that hand off action and keep with movement and feel more handheld and operated come from. It's the way to really put the viewer right in there, like you're running alongside the clones.

The way we do Clone Wars, there's no storyboards. So when we plan the scene like that, it's all virtually blocked in the computer. All the staging is done in a privatized system George created called Zviz, which is like a virtual blocking tool for directors. And you can put all the characters on the stage and then you can watch them play out the scenes like you’re watching the morning walkthrough of the rehearsal run, and then you can set up your cameras and so you can follow everybody. There's this virtual camera, and you can tweak the timing to get it to be really perfect.

The animator, Kyle, and his team were really proficient at using it. I know exactly the shot you're talking about. The way I look at it in my mind is that the Bad Batch arc is the most authentic to the way I think Clone Wars was back when we did it. Yes, we improved the animation. We improved the rendering. But it's very much something that we had shot. It's pretty authentic. The middle arc is more of a halfway point, where we tweaked it and we worked on the script quite a bit, but it's still the relative idea of what we were going to be doing cinematically. And then the end is really something like we've never done before in Clone Wars — because it’s the end.

It was so great to see Echo again despite the circumstances. When he seemingly died in the Citadel, did you know then that you wanted to bring him back later?

No, ha. That [death], really more than any of the other ones, we all kind of noticed that people were like, “Oh, man, Echo.” And we thought it'd be interesting that the Techno Union — a creepy bunch of guys on the evil side of things — maybe there's something to be done there. So we started to hatch a plan for if that would even be something that's possible. But it wasn't top of mind when we did the Citadel arc.

Another difference between the story reels in the second episode was this new scene about Anakin slipping away to call Padme, which I thought was a pretty illuminating addition.

When I looked at these 12 episodes, there was no Padme in them, and that seemed like a really huge oversight. That was never the plan, because there were more episodes planned, but we ended up doing these 12. I just thought that was really unfortunate. I talked to the actress who played her, Cat Taber, and I think it was a bummer for her because she'd been so involved in the series over the years.

And again, [this new scene] is important to the story and for people that might be walking into Clone Wars new. Having a scene with Padme actually interacting with Anakin was a very important moment. It also shows people where they're at in their relationship. It shows that he goes to her for advice, that she really gets the relationship he has with Rex, that she needs to remind him that actually that was going out on a limb for him, so maybe you should take it on faith and go on this limb for Rex. And also that she has a big influence over Anakin still and that he trusts her. And it also hints at the timeline. And that's always a tricky one, I think, because you as the viewer have to remember that at this point in Star Wars, we know way more than the characters do.

To be honest, I'd worked so much on Rebels, I had to go back and reread and watch a whole bunch of the Clone Wars era just to turn my brain back on. I had to upload a whole bunch of information to my drive because, you know, I guess I'm getting old and losing some of it, but it came back in time.

You posted an intriguing Instagram last month. It was a picture of Gandalf and Ahsoka. And Gandalf says, “People thought I was dead, too. Look how that turned out…” And, you know, a lot of people assumed Asoka was dead because we hear her voice in The Rise of Skywalker. Are we going to see her again?

Well, you'll see her in Clone Wars if you watch these 12 episodes. [Laughs] I told the truth! I had an answer for once.

Was there anything that you learned from working on and directing in this first season of The Mandalorian that you were able to apply to this final season of Clone Wars?

I think a lot. Working with Jon Favreau has been another extension of my education. There are a lot of things that George had taught me over the years about live-action, and finally here I was in a place where I could apply it. And I'm so fortunate to be working alongside Jon as another mentor and someone who is very experienced to help me through the questions and the challenges that you have in a different medium.

But yeah, it definitely affected me as far as looking back on the Clone Wars with different eyes and saying we could tighten this up, this could be better. You know, some of the things I learned from Jon about just keeping it moving and heightening and transforming things as we go. He brings a great perspective, and one that I've really never had as an actor to every scene and the emotions and the character. And so I've learned a lot from him in the past year about hopefully improving our performances and relating to performances.

[womenofcolor15]

Kanye West Proudly Admits In GQ His First Presidential Vote Will Be For Trump + 'Ye Says Kobe Bryant Was The Basketball Version Of Himself

Take a deep sigh, y'alls problematic fave is talking again.  Kanye West covers GQ magazine and he opens up about casting his first ever presidential vote for Trump and his close relationship with late NBA icon Kobe Bryant. Highlights inside…

          View this post on Instagram

                  Presenting GQ's May cover star: Kanye West. Hit the link in bio to read the story by @WillWelch. Photographs by @Tylersphotos.

A post shared by GQ (@gq) on Apr 15, 2020 at 5:00am PDT

  Kanye West is the cover star for GQ’s May 2020 issue where he offers up a series of interviews that spans across five weeks and three countries with GQ editor-in-chief Will Welch.

The 42-year-old has never voted in his life. However, that’s all going to change when the 2020 presidential election comes around. Remember in 2015 when he was telling the masses he would run for president in 2020?

Ye didn't put a bid in for 2020, however, he did say last year he plans on running for president in 2024.

So, since Kanye can’t vote for himself in the upcoming election, the Jesus Is King rapper will be casting his first ever presidential vote for his homie Donald Trump, who will be up for re-election. Lord, help us.

“So look, I’m not telling anybody who they should vote on, what they should wear, where they should live. I’m doing me,” he told GQ magazine.

We see he still only likes to flaunt and admit to his influence when it benefits him.

Peep the highlights from a conversation he had with GQ on January 30th on a jet from Cody to Los Angeles below:

GQ: So this is an election year, and I’m curious how your faith plays into your thoughts on politics. To go back to when you put on the MAGA hat, how do you see that moment from where we are now, sitting on this plane, in January of 2020?

Kanye West: Both my parents were freedom fighters, and they used to drink from fountains they were told they couldn’t drink from, and they used to sit in restaurants where they were told they couldn’t eat from. They didn’t fight for me to be told by white people which white person I can vote on. [laughs]

What do you make of how that moment reverberated? Did it have the effect that you intended?

I didn’t intend for anything except to speak my mind and express how I felt. I have no intention other than to be free, and I don’t intend to be free—I just simply am.

What was at odds to me about you wearing the hat is that “Make America Great Again” is about looking back. Whereas, to me, you are a perpetual forward thinker.

I buy real estate. It’s better now than when Obama was in office. They don’t teach you in school about buying property. They teach you how to become somebody’s property.

For the election ahead, do you plan to speak more about it, or are your interests elsewhere?

No, I’m definitely voting this time. And we know who I’m voting on. And I’m not going to be told by the people around me and the people that have their agenda that my career is going to be over. Because guess what: I’m still here! Jesus Is King was No. 1! I was told my career would end if I wasn’t with her [Hillary Clinton]. What kind of campaign is that, anyway? That’s like if Obama’s campaign was “I’m with black.” What’s the point of being a celebrity if you can’t have an opinion? Everybody make their own opinion! You know?

  Ye just continues to prove he's all about self and not the greater good of the people. And frankly, we're over him.

          View this post on Instagram

                  For the May issue of GQ, @WillWelch spoke with Kanye West in a series of interviews that took place over three months and across three different countries. Head to the link in bio for the full story. Photographs by @Tylersphotos.

A post shared by GQ (@gq) on Apr 15, 2020 at 6:48am PDT

  In a separate conversation for the cover story, the Grammy Award winning rapper talked about his close relationship with late NBA icon Kobe Bryant. This interview went down days (72 hours to be exact) after Kobe died in a helicopter crash (Jan. 26th), and he admitted he was taking it hard. When asked how he was doing he said "not good." When asked what was wrong, he responded, "Kobe was one of my best friends.”

He got candid about his feelings and how Kobe "was the basketball version of me, and I was the rap version of him."

West: One thing I thought was really amazing is that we were able to find a groove with the photographs today even as out of it as I was with the loss of Kobe. We were able to just go to the court and play ball. There’s one street that I drive to go from either my office or my home to the property where the domes were built. [Editor’s note: The street is Las Virgenes Road, the site of the helicopter crash that killed Kobe Bryant and eight other people just four days prior.] So now there’s no way for me not to be as determined as Kobe every time I drive down that street. It’s game time. There’s no move that we can’t make, or that we’ll wait to make. Everyone in our life is now a member of the Lakers on one of Kobe’s championship teams. The way that Kobe would say that we all have to come together and win this championship is the way I look at life now. To an infinite, other level.

This is a game changer for me. He was the basketball version of me, and I was the rap version of him, and that’s facts! We got the commercials that prove it. No one else can say this. We came up at the same time, together. And now it’s like, yeah, I might have had a reputation for screaming about things—but I’m not taking any mess for an answer now. We’re about to build a paradigm shift for humanity. We ain’t playing with ’em. We bringing home the trophies.

The Yeezy designer also talked about a time he felt his late mother - Donda West - talking through him.

You seem really focused on architecture right now—developing and building these domes.

When I visited the Tadao Ando Art Island [in 2018], there were three James Turrells next to each other and I said, “We need to live in a Turrell.” The funny thing is, the first time I ever talked to Turrell on the phone was the night I ended the Saint Pablo Tour. And the last thing I ever said on that tour was, “The show’s over.” Which felt like my mom talking through me.

How so? Like she was telling you through your own voice to stop?

Yeah, and telling everyone else. Like, “My son is not just here to fill up these sports arenas. My son’s got something else to do.”

          View this post on Instagram

                  “Life is a song that's already been written, that takes your entire life to hear.” At the link in bio, @WillWelch spoke to Kanye West about the Yeezy campus he's developing in Wyoming, his next album, his “altered ego,” and his renewed faith in God. Photographs by @Tylersphotos.

A post shared by GQ (@gq) on Apr 15, 2020 at 9:45am PDT

  The YEEZUS rapper opened up about wanting to retire from rap and the moment he realized he was a functioning alcoholic:

Let’s talk about the music you’re making.

I was thinking of not rapping again, because I rapped for the devil so long that I didn’t even know how to rap for God. Then one of my pastors told me, “My son just said that he would want a rap album about Jesus from Kanye West.” He didn’t say, “Kanye West, you should do this,” or “you need to do this.” He just told me something that a child said. And that one thing made the difference.

One day I was in my office working on the couture collection, and there was some Grey Goose in the fridge and I was just going to get a daytime drink, and I looked and thought, “Devil, you’re not going to beat me today.” That one statement is like a tattoo. I haven’t had a drink since I realized I needed to take it day by day, but I never owned up, or was even told, “Hey, you’re a functioning alcoholic.” People have called me a crazy person, people have called me everything—but not a functioning alcoholic. And I would be drinking orange juice and Grey Goose in the morning.

There was never a public perception of you as an alcoholic. Of course everybody knows the Hennessy-on-the-red-carpet moment, but there wasn’t a perception of “Kanye West has a drinking problem.”

Right? I really grabbed the drink to be able to even go to the awards show due to the information that everyone knows now. To say, “Okay, I can handle this.”

Ye also shared his journey to becoming a born again Christian:

I want to understand the timeline of your rebirth as a Christian. Did it evolve out of Sunday Service—and can you tell me the story of the moment where you accepted Jesus?

I surrounded myself with the healing—the highest-level healing possible: singing about Jesus with my friends and family surrounding me [at Sunday Service] every single week. This was a place, contrary to popular belief about Christianity, of no judgment. I feel that the church that most people grew up on as kids had a negative environment. The greatest thing for me, as someone who’s given their life to Christ, is knowing that other people have that as an anchor and a form of healing, because you’re talking to a person that went to the hospital and back. Now you see the measured nature—being able to let the child take the driver’s seat but still be measured.

Do you attribute that to the anchor of faith?

Yes, because when you’re not in service to God, you can end up being in service to everything else. To live inside of sin, it’s going to cost you more than you can pay. You don’t want to continue to sin with no repentance. I understand that people feel that I’ve made some cultural sins. But the only real sins are the sins against God, and you don’t want to continue to sin against God.

Do you conceptualize yourself as having been born again?

I’m definitely born again.

You can read the rest of his lengthy interview here.

  Photos: Instar/Getty

[Read More ...] source http://theybf.com/2020/04/15/gq-quotes-kanye-west-proudly-admits-his-first-presidential-vote-will-be-for-trump-ye-says

[addledconsciousness]

Where to Start

I think the best way to do this is to try and start with my earliest memories. Or what I can dig up anyway. I don’t really have a very good recollection of the first ten years of my life (reasons I’m sure will come up sooner than later) so it’s choppy at best. Bare with my ability to put my life into an accurate timeline. Some of this will be bookmarked by stories I’ve heard told back to me, some I don’t remember at all, so I have to take some of it at their word.

Either way, here goes nothing

I spent the first few years of my life in a small town outside San Diego. When I say small, I’m talking around 400 people. My grandfather owned and ran a dairy ranch in the mountains that was a family business. The main ranch had a few buildings including a duplex house that we shared with my aunt and her family. The only thing I really remember from living in that house was being sick and throwing up in the hallway. At some point we moved across the highway (literally) to another small house that was a part of the property. I remember going to kindergarten and catching the bus. Once I tripped and skinned my knee and ran back to the house and the bus driver waited for my mom to clean me up and send me back out. I also remember playing tee ball, I remember my kindergarten teacher and how nice she was, making those paper plate masks and being best friends with a girl named Jessica. From what my mom tells me we had a crush on the same boy named Cody and she used to tease me lightly about it. She would sing ‘Going to the Chapel’ and replace the words to add Cody and myself and I would get embarrassed and mad, I guess it was cute because I think she did it a lot.

I was a pretty introverted kid so any sort of attention would immediately embarrass me and I remember feeling uncomfortable in a lot of situations. My older brother was outgoing and he could make friends easily, though I don’t ever remember anyone coming over to the house.....ever. It could have happened but I can’t recall anything. 

At some point during those first few years I was diagnosed with severe vesicoureteral reflux. Cliff notes version (content warning ahead for weird body stuff I guess), my ureters  didn’t work right and I was going to die if I didn’t get surgery. I remember the few procedures while doctors were diagnosing me. Shoving a tube up my urethra to fill my bladder up with some kind of liquid to run a test to see how my ureters held up (not well). They told me to hold my pee as long as I could then let them know when I couldn't anymore. I was scared of telling anyone I really had to go, and holding it for way longer than I should have. To the point of pain. I was terrified of adults, and being half naked with tubes shoved up me while a staff of people waited for me to pee was horrible. My mom not allowed to be in the room with me. If my dad ever came to a single appointment I don’t  remember it. When it came time for the surgery I spoke to the anesthesiologist and was able to pick what flavor of gas they would use to put me under. I chose bubblegum, it was not a great choice. They told me to count down and I disregarded that entirely to try and fight falling asleep. I think I told them that too, but that may not be accurate.

 I woke in the hospital bed with even more tubes coming out of me. My arms, my face, but mostly my lower abdomen. I recall seeing tubes filled with red and purple fluid, red and orange fluid like lava, and several others. I remember they had a  Super Nintendo and being stoked because it was new and we only had a regular old Nintendo. I was so excited to get my chance to play Super Mario World only to get the controller and realize I was too weak to push the buttons. I couldn’t understand why my body didn’t work they way it used to. I spent the next few days to a week in the hospital recovering. The first time I tried to walk I didn’t get far, my legs were too weak to carry me and I had to do some minor physical therapy to learn to walk again. There wasn’t much of me to begin with so I guess the atrophy didn’t take too long. I don’t really recall eating too much. 

They did have an awesome Rube Golderberg machine that I think I cold watch forever. I picked it apart and seeing how each piece connected to the other to create this momentum to keep these billiard balls moving from each story. The thing was massive. I also remember an uncle coming by (not sure which one) and gave me a stuffed lion, which (don’t judge) I still have today. I named him Samson because he was strong and that’s what I needed to be. I eventually went home at some point but had some weird scars left over that I became self conscious about (more on that at some point). 

I haven’t really had any issues since then, but from what I was told the surgery was experimental at the time and could fail at any point in my life. So I try to make it a habit to not hold it in if I can. But since this is already starting to get long, that may as well be a good a place as any to put a pin it it. 

Not sure I’ll be tagging any of this with anything other than trigger/content warnings, but we’ll see how it goes.

[getanepipenidiot-blog]

My Historical Timeline

I used to write. I used to write and write and write until I couldn’t write anymore. I used to have an entire tumblr blog as a therapeutic way to journal my feelings because I didn’t really have anyone to talk to. Scratch that. I had plenty of people to talk to. I just didn’t trust anyone. So when I’m writing these posts, these are not at all unusually unfamiliar to me. I like to pull the “I don’t give a fuck” attitude for everyone. The game is: If you appear as if you don’t care, you’re laid back, and emotionally distant, then you hurt people before they get a chance to hurt you. I’ve been perfecting this technique for years. I pretend that I don’t care about anyone because if I did then it would admit weakness. I have to be stronger than that. I have to be stronger than I let on because it’s just me looking out for me. No one’s going to save me, I have to save myself. My dad taught me a little bit about that one. I’m not worried about other peoples’ opinions of me because in the end, they really don’t know me.  I used to write about school, life and work, but now I think I want to tackle why the fuck I can’t seem to handle affection. The above paragraph shed some light, but I think it might be good for me to start talking about previous boys in my past. So let’s back track a little. 

Cody: He was the first person to ever tell me that he liked me and to ask me out. We held hands, walked home together, and just basically let our friends call us cute. Nothing special. He was a year older and I thought that made me cool. It was to be expected since I hung out with 7th and 8th graders as a 6th grader. I wasn’t bummed that we broke up because I didn’t care.  Tyler: We snuck around to see each other. That was the thrill. The hiding around, the secret meet ups at the public library. You were too clingy. Too many messages, too much trying to touch me. I had to dump you and I didn’t care that I basically did it in front of all your friends. You and your friends were all older than me so that basically ruined my reputation, but once again I didn’t care. You continued to hit me up throughout high-school and just wouldn’t catch the hint that I was ignoring your texts.  O’s friend: You hit me. It’s Freshman year and I snuck out to O’s party and I didn’t know lot of people there. We drank and we flirted and we made out in the bathroom. When you put your hands under my shirt, I said no and you hit me. I hit you back. That was the first time I felt that anger and fire. That’s where I learned to be a bitch. You have to be aggressive and not let people walk all over you. I couldn’t let myself just get hit by a man just because I didn’t want to have sex with him. Fuck that and him. I never talked to O in geometry class after that. O didn’t understand why I gave him the cold shoulder, but I just couldn’t tell him. I owe O an apology for pushing him away. My excuse was that I was a Freshman and he was a Senior so I would never have to see him again. He tried to hit me up every year after graduation but I never returned any of his Facebook messages. I’m sorry, you were just collateral.  Victor: Of course it’s Freshman year and I’m talking to a Sophomore but I really wasn’t. We snuck around, he tried to flirt with me in between classes. I was only appealing to he because I was hard to get. He thought I was playing, but I really wasn’t. I finally tried to give him a chance but turns out he was the master player and was talking to 3 different people while making out and sneaking around with me. I told him to fuck off once I told him I didn’t wanna have sex with him. He was the asshole to my friends, they all tried to comfort me and thought I would be so upset, but of course I didn’t give a fuck. Good riddance.  Miles: My Sophomore year his Freshman year of College at UCSC. Summer fling that turned into make out sessions whenever he was home. We texted 24 hours a day. He was the first guy I could see myself acting dating. He was mature and was always honest. Honest except for telling me that he wanted to keep us a secret so that he could have a girlfriend at the same time. That really fucked me up because I let it happen. We’re friends now, kind of. I’ve forgiven him for making me feel like shit and I brushed it off as the fact that I didn’t care. My friends didn’t like him. Especially Clayton. I’m at a place where I actually asked him advice about being in love. He’s in a great and stable 6 year relationship with a beautiful girl and I’m happy for him.  Joe: I had the biggest crush on Joe. He was so similar to me and it was great. He was sarcastic, an asshole, ridiculously smart, funny and loved Batman as much as I did. How could I do wrong? We would take night time car rides to go get Sonic and ice cream and just talk about life. Junior year he had a crush on Alyssa and I was okay with that. I just hated that I wasn’t blond and beautiful like she was. Only was it until Senior year did I feel like I was being treated like shit. He didn’t want to hang out with me in front of his friends, stopped talking to me and when he hit me up he would want advice about Alyssa. I yelled at him at the end of Senior year when I found out he and Katie were kind of a fling- but that’s a whole other story. Being in the friend-zone sucked and I wanted out. I was okay with it before, but as I saw him take that pirate shot at a party I knew that we were meant to be friends. I saw that he didn’t give a fuck about me and I wanted out before he found out that I liked him. I pushed him away, ignored all his texts throughout Las Positas. I think he got the hint my last semester and stopped. It was rough but I had to do it. Now, we’re friends and I had hit him up for the first time in like 4 years over winter break 2016. It worked out for the best, I can see now that we really should be just friends.  You and him are actually a lot alike:  - We were friends first - Talked all the time  - I got tired of waiting to be noticed so I left  You: I’m not going to give you a name because you have your own timeline all to yourself. No one knows your timeline but me. They may know bits and pieces, but only the bits and pieces that I let them see. You were the first person I ever fell in love with- whether that love counts or not I’m not sure considering it was one-sided, but I like to believe it counts. You taught me what I’m capable of. You taught me that I don’t always have to have my guard up when it comes to showing affection. I’m grateful for the having the lesson, but not necessarily the heartbreak.