#and then I had a really chill call with my ex cause I'm on day 7 of covid isolation and I needed some social contact

[potato-elf]

fellas I have good news - I picked up a diary and actually write in there to work through my complicated feelings instead of blasting them on main! (I say as I will vent a little bit in the tags but its a positive vent this time around)

[hobunaga]

UPDATED VERSION, thank you @guzhufuren for the additional info!!!

my friend wanted me to make a chart of, Meet you at the Blossom, characters and what their relationship is. Now I don't know everything, I don't even know if I got the names correct but I hope this clarifies a little what is going on here.

here are some clarifications(careful, spoilers)

Xiaobao's parents: Xiaobao's dad found Xiaobao's mom wandering around town one day and assumed she was the daughter of a wealthy family and had lived a really sheltered life(she is). He got her drunk, they slept together and he took responsibility by marrying her and taking care of her.

Tong'en: Now I don't know for sure if she loved any of the men that I attached her to, but they were in love with her so I kinda just added it in case her feelings were genuine or if she was only doing what she had to to survive. The only person I can confirm she truly cared for is Zongzheng Qiyuan and they had a brotherly and sisterly bond only.

Xue Xiaoyu: Now ya'll might be wondering why she has a red line towards Xiaobao and it's kinda given that she has a big crush on him. Her cousin however is his true love so I think she'll put on her big girl pants eventually and move on. Her brother is Xue Lianyu, Xiaobao's best friend. She is also the cousin of Huai'en.

Que Siming and Jinbao: They have 2 names cause in the extra I read, they had changed their names at least once. Jinbao was originally known as Wang Erhu and Que Siming was called Yue Siming. Que Siming was most likely adopted by the doctor whom was caring for him after his father was sentenced for treason and Jinbao was sold to Xiaobao at a young age.

Jinbao and Zhao Cai and Que Siming: Similar to the Xiaobao, Su Yin, and Huai'en jealousy trope, Que Siming's jealousy is mainly centered around Jinbao and Zhao Cai's relationship. Now I don't know if Jinbao has a thing for Zhao Cai, but Jinbao maybe masturbated to Zhao Cai once??? or Zhao Cai ran into him while he was masturbating??? I don't know... if someone can interpret this scene let me know because English is not my first language.

Zhao Cai and Medicine Girl: In Jinbao's side story, Jinbao Marries a Wife, it was stated that Zhao Cai was in a heated relationship with this medicine girl and frequently went out to see her during the time Xiaobao was still sick with the cold needle poison. I don't know if they end up together at the end but it was the only relationship that was mentioned in the story for him.

Shaoyu and Su Yin: So apparently there is a one sided interest in their interactions according to the awe inspiring @guzhufuren . When I read it, I wasn't sure how to exactly interpret their relationship but I can see it now that Shaoyu is just as obsessive and possessive as his older brother is. Good luck getting away, Su Yin!

Shaoyu and Huai'en: Half brothers with a somewhat refreshing ending in the live action that hints that there is a possibility of them bonding later in the future. Now I'm not sure which woman mothered Shaoyu, but I'm going to assume it's the ex empress which makes them half-brothers(well Tong'en only birthed one child so it's a given). Now usually if the mother loses the favor of the emperor to even be demoted out of being empress, that must mean that it heavily affects Shaoyu's standing as crown prince as well. Luckily no other princes were mentioned so it's more likely that Huai'en won't compete for the throne and Shaoyu will still inherit it.

The Zongzhen 4 brothers: Now they're just fucking insane and the only sane one is Zongzhen Qiyuan. Even the emperor is a little cuckoo but hey, that's what stress does to you right? They need to sit down, relax, and chill a little. I'm so glad two of them greatly support Huai'en's decisions.

ps: I'm sorry if I got the names wrong or I didn't name a few of the characters. Either way, I think this is the relationship chart?

[monimccoythings]

Logan (X-Men Evolution) x Bartender!Reader

So I guess my writer's block is over. I suddenly remembered that X-Men Evolution was a series from my childhood that I truly loved and hoped they would make more seasons, I'm rewatching it because of how good it is. Ah, good memories.

This contains slight NSFW themes and mention of abuse.

You can't stop looking at him, the handsome man on the counter. It was impossible to not notice him. Built like a lumberjack, with a rugged face and a five o'clock shadow, he was the kind of though guy you didn't want to mess up with, but somehow you found it attractive.

He always came at night, on time like a clock, not a second sooner or later.

He is a regular, but not much of a talker. That only awaked your curiosity, but you don't want to push him too far, the possibility of driving him away scares you.

He always asks for the same thing, a glass of whiskey. By the seventh time, you have it ready for him. He acknowledges you with a slight nod of his head, but never says anything else.

He is a smoker, not only you can smell it on him but you have caught him more than once lighting himself one.

He is the main reason you close so late, honestly. You just can't get enough of him.

You should be ashamed of yourself. After everything you went through with your ex-husband, after all the pain he caused you, now you were pining after a man who seemed nothing but trouble. When would you learn.

Yet, you feel a magnetic pull towards him. When you work, be it cleaning glasses, serving drinks, or just calmly enduring the tirades of some drunken idiot, you can almost feel his eyes glued to you, following your every moment. Like a predator, analysing his prey.

It took something tragic for you two to finally get close.

You had been so careful, so meticulous with your new life, that you had felt confident about your safety, too confident to take some preventive measures. Idiot.

It all started when a letter arrived in the mail, nothing unusual, maybe it was some bill. But you froze when you recognised the handwriting. No. It couldn't be. It had to be a mistake, he couldn't have found you so easily.

You carefully looked through the window, panicking. You nearly fell back on your butt when you thought you saw him, hidden in one of the alleways.

Your daily routine was disrupted, everytime you turned around you feared you would find him, staring at you with that diabolical smile plastered on his face. You seriously considered calling in sick to work, but you really needed the money and hopefully he wouldn't try anything in a place full of people.

As you worked, your hands trembled, your eyes darting nervously to each patron that entered the bar, silently praying you didn't recognise anyone else but your mysterious lone wolf.

You could sense his keen eyes on you. Observing and learning. You forced yourself to calm down and put on a brave smile, the last thing you wanted was to cause a conmotion over nothing.

The night seemed to pass quietly, no more problems than the occasional drunkard. Somehow this felt like one of the longest and most exhausting shifts of your life, each hour felt like another ball to your chain.

Closing time arrived, and there wasn't anyone left but you and your cleaning duties. For safety reasons, you locked the entrance and the backdoor, and settled a new time record for cleaning. You just wanted to go to the safety of your home.

Fate had other plans for you.

You felt a chill run down your spine as soon as you locked the backdoor when you heard his voice. He was there, waiting you to get out, perfectly knowing where this exit was. A knowledge that could only be acquired if he had been watching you for the last days.

Fear paralized you, The alley only had a way out and he was locking your only exit. Unlocking the door again would take too long, by the time you were able to get in, he would have already caught you.

You knew he was enjoying it, the sadistic bastard. This, among many other things, was the reason you had run away from your house, left your friends and family behind, swapped jobs, changed your address, your phone number, your entire identity. But it had been all for nothing, because he had managed to find you again.

Before you even knew it, he had forcefully grabbed you and thrown you against the wall. It had been so long since you had felt a mind numbing pain like this, you had nearly forgotten it. Your head was spinning, but you still could manage to make out the mocking insults and feigned concern in his voice. He was always good at playing the victim. It was you the one to blame, who made him act like this.

Tears burned in the corner of your eyes. This was it, if he didn't kill you there, he would drag you back into that miserable hole you used to call home and make you wish he had killed you right then and there.

The sudden bright light nearly blinded you and for a second you believed you had speedrunned into heaven. But the roaring motorbike and the heavy footsteps that followed suggested otherwise.

There he was, your mysterious stranger, in all his dark and broody glory. Standing like a man who had been in way too many fights and had won all of them.

You hear your ex shouting at him to fuck off, threatening him with violence. But he just stood there, impassively. He almost looked uncaring, but you knew better. You could see the way his jaw tensed, his fists clenched and the veins in his neck swelled. He was an animal ready to pounce, just waiting for the right moment.

And the right moment came, because is your ex husband was anything it was an arrogant asshole who as soon as he could tried to throw a punch that never landed.

It ended as fast as it had started. You could tell, by the way your protector's eyes were glowing he was left craving for more but was doing a tremendous effort restraining himself.

You barely noticed him picking you up bridal style and sitting you with him on the bike, barely heard him asking for your address and you giving it to him so freely, not even bothering to spare a glance at the unconscious body of the man that had made the last four years of your life a living hell.

The ride back home was made in complete silence. You knew he preferred it that way, and honestly, so did you. But the second you set foot on your apartment block, the spell was broken and replaced with something else.

You swear you didn't know what came over you, but thank God you did. Because before you noticed, both of you were locked in a passionate embrace.

Your tongue explored his mouth, hungry for more. You marvelled at the sharpness of his canines and wondered what he could do to you with them.

After a few seconds he pulled away, a silent question in his eyes, he was asking for permission, making sure you wouldn't regret it. You nodded so hard you thought your head would fall off.

The beast was unleashed, he lifted you with inhuman strength and while you barely managed to snake your legs around his waist, he attacked a sensitive spot in your neck with those sharp fangs that drove you crazy.

You never thought a man would make you feel this way. This primal feeling, this glorious beast of a man was showing you things about yourself that you never thought you'd love.

Because what you did in your bedroom was more than fucking, it paled in comparison. It would leave you sore in the morning and maybe this time you'd really have to call in sick, but as long as you awoke in the arms of your savior everything would be alright.

As you drifted to sleep, you heard him whisper his name in a low rumble that made your body shake. You hummed. Logan, huh? It kinda fitted him.

[emotionally-damaged-carrot]

Daniel Ricciardo x Male reader

"Permissions"

First fic in like a year, damn, sorry for the wait. All my interest has probably changed by now but I will still write for the previous fandoms that I liked (ex. Moon knight). I just gained an interest in F1 recently so I might write more F1 fics for the tome being considering I don't really see many f1 x male reader fics out there. Hope you enjoy!

Dan's Pov

"Uhm yea, me and my husband have this thing, where we ask each other permissions over stupid things that we know the other won't mind us doing"

I told lando as he asked why I wanted to ask my husband permission on whether I can go hang out with them or not.

"YOU HAVE A HUSBAND??" Lando asked surprised with a smile on his face.

"You didn't know? We've been together for like 9 years already and you just found out now? Wow, you never fail to surprise me each day we're together, Lando." I say with a big smile on my face.

"Thanks? Anyway, I wanna hear his reaction now. Come on, call him do your things."

"Fine, fine just relax." I say as I pull out my phone from my pocket, unlocking it and scrolling thru my contacts looking for his name.

"You saved him as 'love of my life' with three hearts? Talk about cheesy." Lando says rolling his eyes.

"Mind ya business, now shush it's ringing." I say as I hear him pick up the phone.

"What do you want?" We hear y/n say as I put him on speaker so Lando can also hear.

"Talk about moody, I just wanted to ask you if I could hangout with the boys this afternoon, we're planning on just chilling in Max's room and just maybe watch so-"

"Mate, I don't a shit, you just disturbed my sleep for that? You know you're an adult and are allowed to do whatever you want, right?"

"But I wanted to ask for your permission fiiiirst." I say drawing out the last word to annoy him further.

"Yes, you can, sometimes I wonder why I even married you in the first place."

"It's cause you loooove me."

"Piss off, I'm going back to sleep, if you call me again when you could just leave a message, you'll sleep on the couch."

"You know you need my cuddles to sleep." I say smiling wider when I see Lando giggling beside me.

"I hate that you're right, anyway, see you tonight love you. Bye Lando." We hear Y/n say the last part after a brief pause before hanging up.

"How'd he know I was with you?" Lando asked perplexed.

"He's my husband, he knows everything." I say with a laugh, while walking out of the motor home and putting my phone back in my pocket and grabbing my cap off the table.

"Wait, how long have you two been out??" I hear Lando shout after me with confusion in his voice.

"Give or take, 6 years." I say as I stopped to look at him and give him a cheeky wink.

"AND I'VE ONLY FOUND OUT TODAY THAT YOU HAD A HUSBAND???" Lando shouts as I laugh while walking away.

"You didn't know about his husband? Everyone knows about them, the whole paddock knows about them." I hear Max say with a laugh before I'm out of ear shot.

That's all for now, I'm still trying to get back into that writer mindset ya kna. Hope you enjoyed, if you didn't idk have a good life ig. Peace ✌️

[mcytblr-archive]

Early MCYTblr Interviews: conarcoin

today's interviewee is conarcoin, runner in the 2020 MCYTblr elections, founder of gay castle, mod on the mcytblr-confessions blog, and MCYTblr veteran! below is a transcript of the questions and answers.

Q: You’ve been in MCYTblr for a long time, and participated in a lot of MCYTblr events, so let’s work our way through them. Can you tell me a bit about what 2020-2021 MCYTblr was like for you, or anything that immediately comes to mind when you think of it?

A: 2020-2021 MCYTblr was a shithole, but it was a shithole I made some really good friends in and I don't regret that period at all. I regret some stupid posts I made, sure, but overall? Nah. 2020 MCYTblr was always filled with drama as it was a transitional period - it was primarily made up of what we now call "truthers" and the scattered remnants of SMPblr, and that sort of caused a culture clash. I'm immediately reminded of the time I got into a huge drama for having the url "transtubbo" in 2020, which one ex-SMPblr user was not fond of. Also a lot of posts made by straight up weirdos like that one infamous "sex god whore" post.

(the url "transtubbo" was not a truthing thing, but a DSMP thing, but this was a time when truthers were still everywhere in MCYTblr and the divide between RP and real life wasn't as clear, which is how I ended up in hot water)

Q: I understand that you started and ran the “gay castle” discord server. Why was it created? What was your experience running it?

A: Gay Castle's still alive and well after 3 years. Me and a friend made the server in September 2020 due to being tired of the drama in another server we were in called Sleepyheads. It's a personal friend server, so we just invited people we thought were chill to hang out and have some laughs. I honestly would call Gay Castle my internet family, they're a wild bunch and we've had so many great times over the past 3 years.

Q: What was it like running the mcytblr-confessions blog? Do any confessions stand out to you from memory?

A: mcytblr-confessions is the child of me and like 10 or so other members of Gay Castle. The experience is mostly mundane, just queueing and deleting asks. We do get a lot of asks that get deleted due to breaking the rules and such, but it hasn't been particularly drama-filled or anything. There's way too many confessions that stand out to me, but personal favorites of mine will always include the Foolish peas anon, the Highcraft church anon, and the one about AustinShow calling anon Greg instead of their actual name.

Q: If my memory serves, you ran in the October 2020 MCYTblr elections. Who did you run as? What was your experience being a part of it?

A: I did, alongside a friend at the time who went by Fakenoblade. I don't remember too many details from that period of time. We ran as "Potato2020" and didn't get very far but we had fun. Cecilia (bless her heart, we're still mutuals even though we don't talk often) can do a really good Technoblade impression, so in call we had her say some funny lines that we edited into a promotional campaign video. Fun stuff.

Q: Are there any other events that stand out to you?

A: The day a bunch of content creators joined in 2021, mostly smaller ones. That was around the same time I became friends with Erin (@itselectralive), who is still one of my closest friends to this day and an absolute sweetheart. She got me onto a SMP she helped run called Balls SMP, which crashed and burned, but I had fun and met some cool people.

Q: Do you remember any of the main discourses/dramas that went through the community?

A: Apologist discourse, obviously. I didn't engage with it - I honestly didn't care for either c!Tommy or c!Dream - but it's hard to avoid it. Shipping discourse and boundary discourse. Honestly, I can't remember anything more specific besides the more general dramas.

Q: What do you remember most fondly from that time?

A: Honestly? Just early Gay Castle and also liveblogging the L'Manberg Election. That night was so much fun, one of the most vivid memories of that time period I have.

Q: Is there anything else you’d like to add?

A: You guys should watch SMPLive. Not really, it's aged like piss and several creators ended up being freaks but it's still got a lot of funny jokes and interesting lore (believe it or not). From what I have seen, its fandom is the root of a lot of MCYT fandom's most obnoxious behaviors, but the people who are left and still care about it are really cool. It turned 5 this month!

[joeys-babe]

Someday We’ll Be Together

Chapter 10: Can I kiss you?

———————————————————————

(y/n's pov)

September 12, 2021

the car ride had been silent for a little bit, but a content and comfortable silence. that was until joe broke it.

"you warm enough?" - joe

"oh yeah, i'm fine." - you

"i see chill bumps on your arms." - joe

"i'm fine joe, i promise." - you

joe sighed, and i thought that was the end of it, but when we got to a red light he pulled his sweatshirt off and handed it over to me.

"you can wear it." - joe

in all honesty i really wasn't cold, but i'm also not going to pass up on wearing joes hoodie so i slipped it on over my game day fit.

in the corner of my eye i saw joe look over at me and smile, a light blush forming on his cheeks when he looked away.

"what?" - you

"it looks better on you than me." - joe grinned

"i don't think that's true, it actually fits you."

- you

"oversized is in right now." - joe shrugged

"oh shush" - you laughed

*time skip*

joe was parking the car as i was looking at myself in the car mirror, trying to fix my mascara and touch up my hair after that long game.

"you almost ready?" - joe chuckled

"yeah, hold on. just gotta fix my hair a bit." - you

"you look fine. come on." - joe unbuckled his seatbelt, clearly getting impatient

"hold on, joe!" - you

joe exhaled loudly before getting out of the car and walking over to my side, he opened my door and pulled me out.

"you look beautiful like always, let's go." - joe

"i don't know if i should say thank you or not."

- you caused joe to laugh

joe was walking a few steps ahead of me on my left, but he stopped in his tracks so we could walk at the same pace.

once i was directly next to joe, he held his hand out in front of me. i took it in mine and laced my fingers with his.

"thanks for comin with me." - joe

"of course, joey." - you

"love when you call me that." - joe smiled and squeezed your hand before opening the door of the bar.

joe opened the door and pulled me inside behind him, it didn't take him long to find the rest of the team in a back room that was away from everyone else.

"look at you two!" - ja'marr

"our favorite couple" - sam teased

"not a couple" - you

"the hand holding says otherwise." - jess slipped into the booth and sat next to sam.

"cincinnati's sketchy, don't want her to get grabbed or something." - joe

"so you have to hold her hand, can't just stand by her or something?" - sam smirked

"just drop it." - joe

"okay okay, we'll quit" - sam

the group had made room for joe and i in the booth and as we were both sitting down tee came rushing over to the table.

"bro you good?" - ja'marr

"uhm. joe don't flip the hell out, but somehow lexie found out what bar we were going to.. and she's here." - tee

my mouth dropped and when i turned to joe to see his facial expression, i noticed that his jaw was clenched and he looked evidently pissed off.

"like my ex lexie?" - joe

"yeah.. i don't know how she got the location. she's here with a guy and she was literally grinding on him while they were on the dance floor so i think it's her boyfriend." - tee

joe rolled his eyes and popped his knuckles before ja'marr spoke up.

"what's he look like?” - ja’marr

“shorter, maybe 5’10, brown hair, brown eyes, scrawny lookin.” - tee

“that’s the guy she made out with at that party!”

- ja’marr

“the exact opposite of me” - joe mumbled

“oh so he’s ugly too?” - you asked causing everyone to laugh, joe even cracked a small smile

“smooth, y/n.” - sam laughed

“what?? if he’s the exact opposite of joe that’s gotta be one unattractive dude!” - you

we all continued laughing and carrying on for awhile until i felt joe pat my leg.

“mhm?” - you

“im gonna get something to drink, you want anything?” - joe

“can i just come with you?” - you

“oh yeah sure” - joe smiled as he stood up, you followed behind him

as we made our way up to the bar i watched joes eyes scan the crowd, he was probably looking for lexie.

“joey.” - you got joes attention, the sound of your voice stopped him dead in his tracks as he turned to you

“stop looking for her.” - you

“i’m no-” - joe

“yeah ya are, i’ll hurt worse if you try to see her with him, if i were you i’d avoid her.” - you

“i’m trying to. i’m trying to stay conscious to where she is so i can go somewhere else” - joe

“i’ll be on the lookout okay?” - you

“okay” - joe nodded before striding up to the bar

he didn’t even ask what i wanted?

i watched him order before doing a quick glance around to make sure the wicked which of the west wasn’t around. a few minutes later, joe walked back over to me and handed me a mai tai.

“how’d you know that’s what i wanted?”

- you smiled

“i know you like that back of my damn hand, y/n. plus i use to give you a hard time about drinking summery drinks in the fall, so it’s easy to remember.” - joe shrugged

we stood there for a little bit, making casual conversation until the song over the speakers caught my attention. it was a slower song, and i recognized it as Starting Over by Chris Stapleton.

“i like this song” - you smiled

“i didn’t know bars played slow country songs.”

- joe laughed

“it was requested i guess” - you shrugged as you started swaying

joe put his cup down on the nearest empty table before taking mine out of my hand and setting it down also.

“what?” - you nervously laughed

“wanna dance?” - joe

the butterflies in my stomach tripled all at once. i was probably beet red right now.

i couldn’t formulate words so all i did was nod with a smile on my face.

joe put his hands on a respectable spot on my waist as mine were on his chest.

as time went on, we got closer together. we were flush against each other, still swaying to the song.

“i don’t ever want this to end” - joe

“me neither, joey.” - you

*time skip*

joe and i had made our way into a more secluded corner, away from everyone.

of course you didn’t know, but joe had noticed that you two had been on a certain someones radar. lexie was watching you both like a hawk after she saw you two dancing together. out of pure jealousy too.

after dancing, there was definitely a tension between joe and i that was just begging to be broken.

i was leaning my back against the wall, while joe was facing me with his hand against the wall above my head.

my eyes scanned the crowd as i stirred the drink in my hand with the straw. i felt a hand move a piece of my hair off my forehead which caused my eyes to leave my surroundings and up to joes face. he was looking down at me with so much admiration in his eyes.

"have i ever told you that you're the most beautiful girl?" - joe smiled

my heart skipped a beat, is what i've always dreamed of happening.. about to happen?

"i don't think so." - you

"well ya are." - joe caresses your cheek as he leans down to where his face is closer to yours

"y/n.. can i kiss you?" - joe

my voice was caught in my throat so all i could do was nod before joe smashed his lips onto mine.

am i really kissing joe right now?!

our lips molded together perfectly, like they were puzzle pieces perfectly made for each other.

joe leaned away and took a deep breath before connecting our lips again, his arms snaking around my waist.

we were both finally out of breath, our foreheads touching as we smiled at each other.

we stayed like that for a few seconds before joe fully moved away, just his arm around my waist connecting us as he looked around.

"ha it worked!" - joe

my heart shattered as i looked to where joe was looking, lexie storming out of the bar with her boyfriend close behind her.

"wait what? you did that to make her jealous?"

- you looked back up at joe, you were completely heartbroken as the tears threatened to spill over

"yeah duh, i thought you knew that? plus i mean you're my best friend why'd i ever kiss you?" - joe

my mouth dropped open at his words, and my stomach flipped- not in the good way that my stomach usually flips because of joe.

"y/n?" - joes eyes scanned your face, trying to see what you were thinking

"i- i have to go" - you turned and practically ran, the tears now spilling down your face

i sprinted across the bar, the ladies restroom in sight. i could hear joe behind me shouting my name as he ran after me but all i did was run faster.

when i had finally got to the bathroom, a hand grabbed my wrist.

"y/n listen-" - joe started

"shut the fuck up joe! leave me the hell alone. i don't want to talk to you now, or preferably ever again." - you cried

"you- you don't mean that." - joe

"yes i do, now let me go." - you pulled your wrist away from joes grasp and opened the bathroom door

"y/n please-" - joe pleaded before you slammed the bathroom door in his face

the bathroom was completely empty so i picked the closest stall to cry in.

i locked the door before sliding down the wall to the floor. my feelings for joe really were just one sided. to him i was nothing but his best friend.

that's not even the worst part. he used me to make his ex girlfriend jealous, the same ex girlfriend that cheated on him so i had to hold him an entire night.

it just really didn't make sense; i was so convinced he felt the same way. maybe he was leading me on this entire time?

whatever the answer was, i didn't want to know and didn't really care. i just hope to never talk to him again.

*time skip*

after crying in the floor for thirty minutes, i stood up from said floor and made my way out of the stall. when i walked over to the mirror, i didn't like who i saw; a lovesick, heartbroken, jealous girl.

i grabbed a couple paper towels to wipe the running mascara off my cheeks and eyes before looking back in the mirror. i was decent for the most part, but when i my eyes traveled to joes sweatshirt i felt like crying again.

i need to get out of this shirt, and out of here.

when i pulled his sweatshirt off, his jersey was shown underneath. there was no escaping him, seemed to be a common theme with joe.

i came up with a game plan before walking out of the bathroom.

joe wasn’t waiting outside the bathroom like i thought he would be, but it wouldn’t be too hard to find him.

after my disappearance i figured he’d be hitting the bar, and i was right.

he was sitting at a table by himself, 4 empty mic ultra cans next to him.

i was about to walk up to him and give him what for when none other than lexie came striding up to him.

“you ready to go joey?” - lexie

“yup” - joe took lexies hand to steady himself as he stood up before wrapping both arms around her waist

i turned around before they could see me and ran to where the other guys were sitting.

he’s holding her and i’m still around.

“woah y/n, you okay?” - ja’marr

“what’s wrong, why are you crying?” - jess

i didn’t answer their questions, just slammed joes folded sweatshirt on the table.

“this is joes, get it back to him. also, tell him i said go to hell.” - you wiped your eyes before striding out of the bar completely

when i got to the sidewalk, everything i was holding back bubbled up and practically exploded.

i pulled my phone out of my purse and immediately pulled up my moms number.

she answered on the second ring.

“honey, is everything okay?” - your mom

“no, please come pick me up” - you cried

“what’s wrong, are you hurt?” - your mom

“not really, not physically..” - you

“i’m on my way. care to tell me what’s wrong?”

- your mom

“i hate joe, so much” - you cried out

_________________________________

authors note: DRAMMAAAAAA

hope you enjoyed! ❤️

[ldrfanatic]

Writing Prompts (from my top favorite taylor swift albums)

how to read/request: the letter at the beginning of each prompt represents the album key below. The number attached is to distinguish the lyrics.

key: t - tortured poets; r - reputation; f - folklore; l - lover;

you can request as many prompts as you’d like!

example request:

t16 & f12 for theodore nott

tortured poets

t1 - "I'm having his baby" no I'm not but you should see your faces

t2 - the coward claimed he was a lion

t3 - "I'll never leave" Nevermind

t4 - You know how to ball I know Aristotle

t5 - Who's gonna know you like me?

t6 - Everything comes out teenage petulance

t7 - If I can't have us, I might just not get up

t8 - two graves, one gun

t9 - I'm just getting color back into my face

t10 - If you wanted me dead, you should've just said

t11 - Is it a wonder I broke, let's hear one more joke

t12 - I was tame, I was gentle

t13 - I'm always drunk on my own tears

t14 - I'm fearsome, and I'm wretched, and I'm wrong

t15 - what we thought was for all time, was momentary

t16 - Did you sleep with a gun underneath our bed?

t17 - Who are we to fight the alchemy?

t18 - Cause the sign on your heart said it's still reserved for me

t19 - This town is fake but you're the real thing

t20 - They said "Babe you gotta fake it till you make it" And I did

t21 - He said he'd love me for all time

-

reputation

r1 - In my dreams, you should see the things we do

r2 - You and me would be a big conversation

r3 - I'm one call away whenever you need me

r4 - I don't wanna be just another ex love

r5 - You've been calling the bluff on all my usual tricks

r6 - They say I did something bad, then why's it feel so good?

r7 - don't blame me, love made me crazy

r8 - my drug is my baby, I'll be using for the rest of my life

r9 - For you I would fall from grace, just to touch your face

r10 - If you walk away, I'd beg you on my knees to stay

r11 - I'm yours to keep and I'm yours to lose

r12 - You know I'm not a bad girl but I do bad things with you

r13 - I'm so chill, but you make me jealous

r14 - You ruined my life by not being mine

r15 - Guess I'll just stumble on home to my cat. Alone. Unless you wanna come along?

r16 - You had turned my bed into a sacred oasis

r17 - I'm a mess but I'm the mess that you wanted

r18 - My hands are shaking from holding back from you

r19 - I don't want you like a best friend

r20 - Only bought this dress so you could take it off

r21 - I want to wear his initial on a chain 'round my neck. Not because he owns me, but cause he really knows me.

r22 - You don't need to save me, but would you run away with me?

-

folklore

f1 - If you wanted me you really should've showed

f2 - If my wishes came true, it would've been you

f3 - If one thing had been different, would everything be different today?

f4 - I knew you leaving like a father running like water

f5 - You drew stars around my scars but now I'm bleeding

f6 - I knew you'd linger like a tattoo kiss

f7 - I knew to love would be to lose my mind

f8 - I knew you you'd come back to me

f9 - I had a marvelous time ruining everything

f10 - I loved you, I swear I loved you, til my dying day

f11 - You can aim for my heart go for blood, but you would still miss me in your bones

f12 - I'm still trying everything to keep you looking at me

f13 - Love you to the moon and to Saturn

f14 - Then you won't have to cry. Or hide in the closet.

f15 - Passed down like folk songs, our love lasts so long

f16 - I didn't know if you'd care if I came back

f17 - I just wanted you to know, that this is me trying

f18 - It's hard to be anywhere these days when all I want is you

f19 - You showed me colors you know I can't see with anyone else

f20 - You know damn well for you I would ruin myself

f21 - Don't want no other shade of blue but you

-

lover

L1 - I forgot that you existed, and I thought that it would kill me but it didn't

L2 - It isn't love, it isn't hate it's just indifference

L3 - What doesn't kill me makes me want you more

L4 - I don't wanna keep secrets just to keep you

L5 - I love you, aint that the worst thing you ever heard?

L6 - He looks up grinning like a devil

L7 - This is our place, we make the rules

L8 - Have I known you 20 seconds or 20 years?

L9 - Can I go where you go?

L10 - I'm so sick of running as fast as I can

L11 - I've got a hundred thrown out speeches I almost said to you

L12 - Help me hold onto you

L13 - Who could ever leave me darling, but who could stay?

L14 - They see right through me. I see right through me. Can you see right through me?

L15 - All the king's men, couldn't put me together again

L16 - All of my enemies started out friends

L17 - His hands around a cold glass make me wanna know that body like it's mine

L18 - Wanna see what's under that attitude

L19 - I want you, bless my soul

L20 - You know I adore you

L21 - It's you and me, that's my whole world

L22 - Voted most likely to run away with you

L23 - I think you should come home

L24 - I'll never let you go cause I know this a fight that someday we're gonna win

L25 - Kiss you twice cause it's gonna be alright

L26 - I'd marry you with paper rings

L27 - That's the kind of heartbreak time could never mend

[beautifulchris]

trainwreck

pairing: choi lia x gn!reader

summary: sometimes, relationships are meant to end

genres: angst, lovers to exes!au, good ending?

wc: 1,1k

tw: lia is a bad girlfriend, swearing

notes: hello everyone! this fic is part of my collection of fics! indented are the lyrics (ignore the mentions of a dress and 'boy'), banner made by me on canva. also!! idk if you'll notice, but this one is also based on two other songs from anne-marie c: happy reading!

listen to the song for a more immersive experience: spotify link | youtube link

networks: @kflixnet @k-labels @kwritersworld @whipped-kpop-creators

permanent tag list: @soobin-chois @exfolitae @linos-catnip @prettymiye0n (tell me if you want to be added/removed)

“I can’t do this anymore.”

You meant to say this for a while now, and today was the day you finally gathered the courage to verbalize the thought.

“What do you mean?”

The words that flew past her lips were nonchalant, like she was completely relaxed. Sitting up, she had her arms and legs crossed and a seemingly emotionless face. At least, that was the face you knew she made when unimpressed.

“I mean… that I want to break up with you.”

In contrast, you were so nervous you could feel your heart hammer in your chest, and sweat was running down the sides of your face. Her reaction didn’t ease you either.

“Okay.”

Was it all you meant to her? After everything, it looked like it didn’t faze her at all. Saying you weren’t hurt would be a lie.

“Is that all you have to say?”

“What? Did you think I’d get on my knees begging you to stay? If you want to leave, go, the door’s wide open” she stated as she gestured towards the front door of her apartment. “I’ll wait for you to come back. Cause I know you will eventually. You know what? I give you two weeks at most.”

You couldn’t believe your ears. Did those hostile yet detached words really left her lips effortlessly?

You grabbed your bag and left her place without delay, whispering to yourself: “I won’t.”

Choi Lia has been an important person in your life, yes.

You loved her intensely and sincerely for many months, but soon, mostly thanks to your friends, you started to acknowledge the little details. Minimal at first, but, over time, they grew bigger until you couldn’t ignore them anymore.

She’d look into your phone whenever you’d leave the room without it, subtly mock you in front of her friends, cancel numerous dates to go to parties instead, order take-away when she was aware you cooked for her…

You always put up with it because you loved her, but letting her go, albeit painful, was the best thing you could’ve done for your own health.

Called up my friends, took their advice Put on a dress, I'm out tonight I can't believe I said goodbye Oh yeah, this time you know, I finally let you go, yeah

It had been three days since you put an end to the relationship. Of course your friends would take you out on a Friday night.

The party was chill. There were around twenty people, refreshing cocktails, good background music and board games.

Lia didn’t come to mind once, much to the delight of your dear friends. 

You actually made some new acquaintances, which was nice.

Spending more time with your friends, they saw the difference in your behavior.

“You look happier, Y/N,” one of them informed you.

“You smile and laugh more, you seem more alive,” another one added.

You felt it, too. You felt free from her. Her claws. Her grip on you.

I don't know why you thought that I'd be sheddin' a tear When I'm chillin' at the party, and I'm glad you're not here And I don't know what to say, but the pain disappeared And I'm sorry Bet you think I'm a trainwreck, upset Friday night, layin' lonely in my bed Truth is, boy, I'm so fuckin' happy Without you

Life went on.

A month later, Lia was on her couch, a drink in hand. It was dark in her apartment.

“Why haven't they come back already?”

She was fidgeting, her lips pressed together and her brows furrowed.

“They should’ve been back by now.”

Her phone rang in the deafening silence, making her flinch. Her eyes widened and she laughed. “Of course, Y/N would call instead of coming unannounced.”

She answered the phone with a confident smirk, ready to hear your begging.

“I put all your stuff in a bag. Do you have a moment this week so we could trade?”

Lia’s smile disappeared as quickly as it arrived.

“Also, don’t forget to give me back the keys to my place. I feel uneasy knowing you still have them. Not like you came often, anyway.”

It was her turn to be too stunned to speak. How could you be so apathetic? It wasn’t like you to use this tone when talking to her. She stared at the wall with an open mouth.

“I’ll wait for your message, then. Hanging up.”

Before Lia could protest, the call was over. She sat there, not moving for a while, thoughts twirling in her mind.

So pour yourself another drink Sit on your couch and overthink In all your lies and arrogance, I've been alright, you know So glad you let me go, yeah

Your ex-girlfriend finally gave you a time and place to meet. Without much surprise, it was at her place. Seeing her again after so long was not as painful as you thought it would be—not as painful as Lia hoped it would be.

She had to face the fact you changed. You weren’t the easily manipulated, sweetly naive and blindly in love person anymore. Much to her dismay.

“Here,” you handed her the bag, expecting another one in return.

Instead, she took a step back and offered for you to come in. “Want something to drink?”

“No?” With furrowed brows, you crossed your arms. “Give me back my stuff, please.”

“Don’t you have anything to say to me?”

You tilted your head, tapping your chin with your free index finger. “As a matter-of-fact, no, I don’t. I just want my stuff and leave this place forever.”

“Well… I…” Not finding anything concrete to say, she sighed loudly. 

Reluctantly, she grabbed the bag from the ground behind her and put the handle on your outstretched hand, before taking hers out of your other hand.

“You don’t mind me checking, right?”

She slowly shook her head, eyes unfocused, even if you didn’t wait for her approval. The key was there, that was all you cared about. Wait, no, there was a cute outfit you forgot about, too.

You thanked her and left. She called out for you, but you didn’t turn around. “Erase my number!”

It wasn’t said with a negative tone, but Lia took it like a stab in the back. Which was really audacious coming from her.

She just couldn’t believe you left her without a second thought and didn’t come back like she was convinced you would.

And now we're at the final stop And I'm the one that's gettin' off I know you hope I'm cryin', but I'm doin' just fine

She was now part of your past. Unerasable, of course, but peaceful.

thanks for reading! feedback is always appreciated :) masterlist

[69-toojay]

Back when I binged glee in covid I used to bother my then friend, now ex about all my glee opinions and stuff and we somehow made this running joke that sebastian was a brown boy because why else would someone have so little chill about a school extracurricular right?

It started as a joke, and it's little more than crack even now but the thought of a biracial seb (sebu as we called him) is still funny and it endeared him to me. Through him we'd go on to make fantastical stories about the universe in which he was half brown. I don't know if I need to mention I'm brown too but yeah

The lore went as follows Sebastian's father Arshad Smythe was a second generation south asian immigrant who studied law in France where he met Mrs. Smythe.

we made him the most run of the mill brown dad imaginable and we loved him so much because of it , he was obviously just based on our fathers and uncles and brothers. The people we loved, who loved us in return, the people whose dad jokes and overbearing old timer antics we rolled our eyes at.

Mr and Mrs Smythe alternated living between France and Ohio, where Mr. Smythes childhood home was. It was a dilapidated suburban duplex complete with ugly beige carpeting. But Mr. Smythe just couldn't bear to part with it so he never sold the house or moved out. He would buy his son the best cars and enroll him in the best schools. He'd spend on everything else but he just couldn't change anything about the house his mother had lived in.

Sebastian and his mother understood. She had been important to them too. Samantha Smythe remembered all the times she sat on the floor of this house so the older woman could rub coconut oil into her hair. Sebastian remembered the spicy pickles she cooked in her kitchen, how good they tasted. So they understood.

Burt Hummel was an old friend of Mr. Smythes. He'd babysit Sebastian every once in a while, Santana too. So Kurt, Sebastian and Santana were all friends that got upto fun shenanigans in this world.

Sebastian had a cat called Maribelle, who scratched and bit everyone except for their trio and Mr. Smythe, she was also a mafia boss and an interdimensional/ divine immortal being who had a life of crime on the weekends. He had found her as a stray and begged his dad to let him keep keep her. He did albeit begrudgingly as all dads do, and then quickly became best friends with her as all dads do. I drew cartoons of Kurt and Sebastian as preteens chilling on beach chairs with sunglasses on, in the front yard of Sebastian's grandma's house. Mr Smythe , a portly gentleman with a half bald head with borders of dark hair lining the sides, wearing thick framed glasses would yell at them about their homework to which they'd reply "It's Sunbathe Saturday, Dad!"

Mr Smythe would then grumble and pick up Maribelle who had been in the process of burying a man, unbeknownst to him.

We had so many really specific just brown people things jokes about Sebastian, like him putting 'manja', a type of liquid glass used in competitive kite racing in South Asia in the rock salt slushie. Just him in general being really excited about sharp drinks after his brown cousin back in his home country show him the ropes.

Him being the kind of typical annoying uncultured highschool boy, ' kamla', who hung around coffee shops all day.

Him challenging his father to a game of cards at age eleven by making Mr. Smythe promise if he won he would have to love him unconditionally. Just as he pulled out the last ace he yelled out 'I'm gay but you love unconditionally no take backs!" And ran up the stairs yelling "no take backs!" As santana and kurt blocked mr smythes entrance to the stairway by popping ill timed party poppers.

If Seb ever got into any scuffles with them during play time he'd fire off a flurry of mixed French and Bengali curse causing Kurtana to exchange confused glances like, did you get any of that ?

His early s3 backstory was literally Mr Smythe being a little bit of a tiger parent. But then when he breaks down because of the Dave thing his dad makes amends saying "I want you to be the best at everything seb, and that includes being a person."

The scandals fix it in this universe was Maribelle scratching Blaines eyes out when she overhears about it from kurt and seb discussing it.

I figured later that Mr Smythe must have taken his wife's name because it's hardly a brown name even in Christian circles, to which my ex had replied you only realised now?

There's really no words in English to properly translate the jokes and their cultural significance to us. Parts of brown seb universe bled into my shitposts and fics but I could never part with him fully. Because the world wasn't ready for or interested in him. Since then I've graduated college, I've lost access to the Instagram account we used to text about this world in, and I've lost my ex and I've lost that time in my life, Brown Seb only exists in my memory now. So now maybe it's time to give him to the world so he exists outside of it too. Idk if there are Desi gleeks out there who get the jokes, but til then this post is just for me to remember

[mygwenchan]

STRAY THOUGHTS WHILE WATCHING LOVE SYNDROME III - EP7

Another week, another episode of unhinged silliness and kink! And judging by the preview I've seen, this episode is gonna get spicy~ ✨

And we're starting off with a barbecue, my German heart is happy (I really need to clean my grill for that Angrillen tradition!)

Yes, J'Belle, tell us all the gossip~ Oh, a new name! Poom it is? Well, he goes right onto my Love Syndrome/Unforgotten Night character chart. I'm making one rn, cause maybe maybe I'll be able to remember who is friends with whom and who is an ex-boyfriend and... let's just say, I've only started yesterday and it's already a mess lol

Jealous Itt is jealous and Day loves it! In fact, Day loves it so much, he's willing to make the ultimate sacrifice. Oh my... Day ate well that night

J'Belle, not the sausage reference please OMG 🤣

Barely 10 minutes into the episode and it's already sexy time again~ Yeah, this ep is giving. Imagine if all amnesia cases could be solved with some good old humping in the sheets. The doctors would be jobless lol

On a side note: Is that Frank's real tattoo or a sticker? Hmm... I think I need to take a closer look. For science (Update: Yep, it's a real tattoo ^^)

And suddenly we're in a serious conversation about love vs using someone to satisfy their needs. Well, it is an important question Itt is asking here

"I want to remember..." Omg Day?! Are you finally coming around? Are you finally being nice to Itt? "...why did I even date a silly person like you" Dude... why are you playing us like this 😩 The sadistic tendencies are strong in this one

New drinking game just dropped: Every time someone eats cake, you have to drink a shot!

That fortune teller is my new spirit animal "Hit him with a stick and his memory will return" WHY?! 😂 (also, I have a feeling there was a raunchy joke in there that got lost in translation. Something something long hard sticks...)

(Itt smacking the memories back into Day, a reference image)

Oh no! There is a lurking shadow behind Day and Itt that will cause trouble? Who is it? Who keeps calling Itt from an unknown number? I need to know!

Aha! So the creepy guy is actually Pee! But did they really name the kid "Pee"? Really? Or is this another translation error. For the actors and character's sake, I really hope it's an error...

Anyway... Suddenly there's a flashback and guns and drama! So Pee is mafia as well or had a crush on Itt and wanted to get rid of Day or? I'm confused 😅

Flashback time again~ This time it's Itt bike racing. He actually used to be a little badass. Now he's a softie who only eats cake. See kids, this is what love does to a man lol

Day really needs to learn how to chill. Maybe he should pick up yoga or makramee or something

Noooo! Itt don't run onto the race track! Don't be stupid now, boy! ...And of course he is stupid, ah... 🤦‍♀️ Tbh Itt kind of deserved that punch

Awkward silence while Itt storms off and everyone else just stands around. Yeah, I've been in that situation before. It's super uncomfortable when friends of yours are a couple and they fight in front of you. Best strategy in my opinion is to quietly escape to the loo (the bathroom, an introverts best friend 🤗)

Also, another drinking game just dropped: Every time a group of guys stands awkwardly around Day or Itt, you have to drink two shots! Bonus round, if there's cake involved

Omg is Day going to cry?! He totally looks like he's going to cry. Aww, poor baby... Nope, never mind. Day decided that he'd rather break his arm again than to shed a single manly tear. Oh my

Ohhhh! Night is back, my sweet boy 🥰 He's so cute

And Night and Gear are once again the ones who have to fix Itt's and Day's relationship *le sigh*

"If you feel tired, how about running away?" Oh Night, I like you! Yes, Itt should totally go on a vacation, that boy really needs a break. Day can deal with his anger issues alone for all I care

And Itt is gone~ Can I just say that I love how both Gear and Night are so angry at Day? You go tell him, boys! Hehe (even though it looks like Gear almost get's drowned by Day in the next ep, it's still worth it 😌)

Alright, that's it for this episode! Next episode we'll get a new love interest for Itt, Day will have another temper tantrum and almost kills his brother-in-law and Night will be a lil cutie as always. So stay tuned~

[pjunicornart]

Back at it again with more PJ's Daycare shit! WOOOO! This time with more of a focus on PJ and... Hudson~

OKAY. So. First image here... more focused on PJ. With Hudson's very early concept design. I threw in some of the other daycare employees (Melon and Cali) as little cameos, and I even did a scene of them reenacting that one funny video of the kid because I was watching a meme comp. and I thought it would be funny. Plus, let's be honest... PJ's new addiction to coffee definitely has... side effects.

Yes, I believe PJ has an "addictive personality". Which basically means it's really easy for him to get addicted to things. Well, hey... at least coffee is better than alcohol.

Plus, PJ's sudden bisexual awakening!

Second image, more focused on Hudson and PJ. I tweaked his design a bit, but I still wasn't quite happy with it. You'll see that later. But here I established these things: - PJ has a son with his previous partner, Omni. Unfortunately, shit happened, Omni was fed up, and they got a divorce. His son's name is Monochrome, and due to current circumstances, PJ cannot see him until he is cleared by the program he is in. In order to get a sense of how PJ might feel about this, I would listen to "My Little Love" by Adele. - Both Hudson and PJ are tall. But Hudson is only slightly taller than PJ. - Hudson has a daughter named Elaine, and he drops her off at the daycare PJ is assigned to do community service in. Hudson probably works a very demanding day job, hence the nachos. I'm thinking this day job is something within the medical field. - Hudson having a daughter means he also has a previous partner. His previous partner, in Hudson's words: "He was very controlling. Had to have everything a certain way, including me." They got a divorce two years ago. - Hudson's daughter is biological to both him and his ex. This is because Seedling (his species) anatomy is VASTLY different compared to other species, making this possible. I would delve into it, but that's a bit NSFW for this post. - PJ is head over heels for Hudson. But due to past and current trauma, he is having trouble letting Hudson inside. I mean that he's afraid to let Hudson in on his... whole world, so to speak. - PJ probably has a fear of abandonment, as well as issues with intimacy. (Again, caused by his past trauma.) - Hudson, on the other hand, is very chill. He goes to therapy and is actively trying to better himself. He also works out. It's part of his self love campaign. - They probably have one night stands a lot, but because PJ is not fully healed, he's afraid to make it something more. Hudson probably wants to be more, but PJ isn't ready/scared to.

Third and final image! Woo! And here we see Hudson's final, official design! Isn't he cute? Yeah...

So I mentioned that he's a Seedling, yeah? Well, to be more specific - he's a type of Seedling called a "Clover Seedling". No duh, right? Now, all Seedlings are characterized by having skin like soil, moss on their bodies in areas, hair like grass, and three to five "tails" or "sprouts" coming from their tail bones. Different Seedling types have different flora growing from their person naturally. Clover Seedlings have clovers, Apple Seedlings have apples, Buttercup Seedlings have buttercups... you get the gist.

Seedlings are a plant based Monster. Meaning... long walks in the rain or Sun are Hudson's cup of tea! Hudson can even make clovers grow around him by touching the earth. Isn't that cool? Also... no. The blue tipped clover on his chest is not a layering mistake. That's because Seedlings have a sprout on their chest that senses the moods of others. When Hudson is around PJ, it's either an intense pink (passion, lust, love) or varying shades of blue (sadness, depression). Sometimes, it will be purple (fear, anxiety, uncertainty).

Anyways... this image basically solidifies that PJ is holding back a lot with Hudson. Almost like he's not allowing himself to be happy.

WOW THAT WAS A LOT OF INFORMATION. But I hope you enjoyed it somewhat. At this point I might as well just start a Rebooted PJ's Daycare comic.

Hm... we'll see. If I get enough people yelling at me then I guess I'll do it...

(Just an FYI, Seedlings are a closed species of mine.)

[thehumbleacquaintance]

5 years & 323 days

idk if my calculation of the days was accurate but hello, i remembered my personal diary that i haven't visited in years and thought i'd stop by and say hi. a lot has happened in these 4 years that i haven't vented to you. lately i feel like i have a hard time identifying my emotions, all i seem to feel is stress and distaste. you know me, how i desperately want to be happy all the time. i am supposed to have things figured out by now.. nowadays i have some relationship problems, i know: surprising. i have been in one for a year and half. it began as a friendship, i felt like i could share my every single thought and feeling with him, and he would just get me. i really believed he did. then i wanted him to be my person cause he got me. for almost a year it was great, until it wasn't. i feel like i gave him a meaning in my life he wasn't willing to have. i believed i had finally met my soulmate which was childish of me, probably a product of my inexperience. i stopped doing the things i did to fill the void in my life and replaced it all with him, and now i regret it. cause now his place in my life seems shakey, and that left me doubting everything. he didn't cheat, says he never would, never will do anything to hurt me. but how can i trust that when he has no idea when he already has and now i have to replace all that hurt with anger to defend my pride. at least that's what i feel like.

ever since my childhood i never learned to express my feelings unless they were positive ones. i always hid them behind others, until i was at a point were even i wasn't able to tell what i was feeling. it just didn't feel good and i felt like crying. was it anger? was it sadness? disappointment? but in whom? well myself of course.. when have i ever had someone else to blame?

i can no longer have phone calls with my mother where i don't feel so sad and tired after hanging up. i always feel like i am being judged, cause i am. she just never listens and when she does she hears only what disappoints her. it breaks me. i can never please her, and the more i denied it i became a people pleaser. always fearing being disliked, disappointing. even in the tiniest things. i can never order my drink correctly, i can never have a phone call without saying something that doesn't belong there. i need to be funny, i need to impress. i need to be liked. more than everyone else. why? cause i try harder, i practice it in my head and imagine happy smiles in front of me. achieving things, everything. i'm just so lost. and i can never be a good girlfriend it seems..

i lack the courage to try, i am just so scared of rejection. so i believed i found the one and i was so happy cause i would no longer have to try for someone to love me. he already did. with all my hyperactive thoughts, through it all he loved me and it felt enough. did i ever love him i don't know, i thought i did but now i am not sure of anything. maybe i loved being loved by someone who i believe wasn't in debt to like my family. he took care of me, my emotions. i didn't feel like my feelings were cast aside. he reassured me that things would get better, i wouldn't have to feel so so lonely anymore cause he was there with me. then came a time where he wasn't. i took it for granted, i thought he would always be there for me.

i was having a really bad day, bad week, bad month. and he went out with one of his girl friends, then he went to her house to get drunk and watched cartoons with her, massaged her back, listened to her talk about her ex, an elaborate story of their experiences in bed, then i can only imagine he acted as a shoulder to cry on while she weeped about the so called ex. he did it all. and told me himself. first he let me know he was going over to hers then he said i was such a cool girlfriend, i was super chill after all i could say was okay. i was so tired i almost passed out that day. and that traumatized me. i couldn't bring my thoughts together, i wasn't able to acknowledge that he did me wrong until weeks later. and when i finally had the courage to stop being passive aggressive and bring it up he said ''but you said you were fine with it'' ''it's been weeks why are you bringing this up'' ''are you accusing me of cheating? how dare you? i would never!'' he silenced me. i felt silenced while he believed we were fine. he said he would stop being friends with her for me, his grand gesture. that was almost a year ago. i don't think i ever forgave him for it. he hurt my pride, i had to deal with the after effects of it on my own.

i didn't sign up for this, i kept repeating to myself. i wanted to pull myself out of this mess. i wasn't in love anyways, right? maybe not idk but i was feeling dependent on him. i no longer had a support system, who would i rant to about him? who would get me if he didn't? it was difficult, still is, and realizing he didn't get how hurt i was only angered me. having to form proper sentences about my feeling of hurt is harder than i thought. but i did it. and he didn't take any action. even to this day he still follows her on social media. he gets a phone call from her when he's with me, although they haven't spoken in months(?). she sends me a follow request 2 months ago from now. non of these things support his explanation of not being on speaking terms with her. it's like he cares more about what his friends think than hurting me and believes he can just make my hurt go away with a ''i won't do it anymore''. i would believe if he kept to his words. it feels like he doesn't take my feelings seriously and that is something i am very familiar with from my childhood.

now i am left doubting everything he says, more so the dept of his emotions for me. he cannot be in love with me. he cannot be my person. if he can't get anything i am saying, sometimes not voiced but implied. sometimes i'm not sure if he really doesn't understand me or he's just looking for a way to escape the blame, to escape my rage, to escape my hurt, to escape me. and that hurts more than i can explain. feeling like something to be dealt with rather than cared for. i can't go on if that's the case. he still gives me bursts of happiness that distract me but then something reminds me of his lacking actions and i am once again left questioning everything.

i have to end this entry here, nothing is decided yet. we're on a break i suggested and he accepted quite easily. it's the second one. i don't feel ready to let him go, to bond with someone else seems so unlikely right now. once i feel comfortable in my loneliness, maybe then..? again, nothing is decided yet. i will try to go easy on him, on myself. i don't need to identify my sadness i can just feel it and learn to let go. i can solve my own problems. i can form a routine that supports me. i can do it all, no need to rush myself. i will no longer struggle to fix us, but fix my own support system: me.

[vole-mon-amour]

Tagged by @samblerambles. Thank you! I love to talk and can't answer with short answers, so there you go under the cut.

Last song I listened to: M83 - Holes In The Sky (Phantom Liberty LITERALLY has a mission called Hole in The Sky at the beginning of the DLC. I'm surprised they wasted such a perfect opportunity to use this song 'cause I saw the scenery and heard the ambient music in the game and was already anticipating it because it kinda sounded like this song to me.) Listening to it on repeat since yesterday tbh.

Favourite content to watch: I'm not really sure what to answer cause I watch content on occasion and in waves. Basically, I binge watch it mindlessly and then I stop for a while. Most of my subscriptions on YT stay unwatched these days, which sucks.

On YT I'm subscribed to: a couple of cooking channels (one local one is currently my fav, his videos are very cosy); a dude with a farm; some YTbers that play video games (haven't watched any playthroughs in such a long time, now that I have my own PC and the ability to play); some true crime channels; a woman that lives near the North Pole; two different channels that help homeless people; a couple of tech channels (smartphones, PCs, new hardware like that); a pet groomer; a drawing channel or two; cross stitch/embroidery/sewing; a couple of aviation channels; a couple of renovation/DYI channels.

If I had to pick, then right now it's the woman that lives close to North Pole and a pet groomer. A dude with the farm is kind of my fav, but sometimes I'm not in the mood to watch it and miss a couple of videos. Same with aviation: I love love LOVE airplanes, but sometimes I'm not in the mood.

Despite it looking like a lot, I really don't watch that much. Out of maybe 30 videos visible on the page it would be good if I watch one or two videos without scrolling down or going to my To Watch playlist and searching for something to watch there.

Favourite games:

Of all times fav: Uncharted 4 & Dishonored/Dishonored 2. Cyberpunk 2077 (probably; bc I currently have 322.7 hours on Steam there & I'm planning on continue playing. A particular brain worm from there and his best friends from the past are everything.) Deus Ex. I keep forgetting that one but Y E S. It was there before Cyberpunk happened.

As in *right now*: Baldur's Gate 3. RDR2 (maybe? I haven't played that one since the moment I finished the main game, but the story deeply shook me and I called it a masterpiece in my review on Steam.)

To me a FAVOURITE is something you commit to, so it's hard to choose something that I'd actually *actively* stick with. But if we talk less serious, I love video games in general. So many of my fav characters are from video games.

Favourite colours: Most shades of blue (the ones that have blue in them too). Deep rich green <3. Gold.

Favourite animals: All of them. Yes. (I love cats, whales, horses, cows, wolves. I'm an animal person.)

Favourite food: Pickled cucumbers is my all time fav. Pasta (mac and cheese). Sushi (basically sea weed + cream cheese + red fish/lox + maybe a cucumber or bell pepper = heaven). Cucumber + tomatoes + bell paper + sour cream salad is my base that I can't function without. I'm a foodie (which is my big problem since ever but oh well.)

Sweet, spicy, or savoury: I'll keep your answer in a way: 'NOT spicy, my acid reflux does not enjoy that.' Yeah, mine too. Can't eat spicy at ALL, it hurts my guts for real. I like a mix of sweet + salty + savoury. I wouldn't want to eat just one thing out of these. Sweet and sour sauce is <3

Current obsession: Cyberpunk 2077. Couldn't watch anything today, couldn't think of anything else, couldn't focus. But then BG3 adds to the mix because I'm still hoping to finish editing that Halstarion fic. It refuses to work with me & I dislike a lot about it. And, of course, Drakecest is my all time fav obsession, it's always at the back of my mind, chilling on the couch, waiting for me to come back to them and start playing with them.

Last book I read:

The one I finished: The Sun Down Motel by Simone St. James. It was a reread.

The one that I didn't finish: The Haunting of Maddy Clare by Simone St. James. I listened to an audio version that I found, but I only found 2 parts & it's definitely longer. I'd like to finish it, but I haven't seen more parts so far (and to download the actual book and sit down and focus on the the text is a god damn TASK for me.)

Last thing I googled: Probably "hands to the sky, i am a dreamer m83" because I started singing it, but for some reason thought it was 'I need you' by them and started listening to it. Turned out, my brain mixed the songs.

Fun facts:

I was a very active and a very popular kid in kindergarten (first french kiss there during the nap hour while everybody else watched and cheered? yeeeah. very silly, very fun. lol.)

I went to see one of Saw movies to cinema when I was around 10-12. Because I was so young, my dad had to go with me. He loved to tell his friends after how grown people couldn't handle the look of autopsy and guts while I didn't even blink. It always made me smile when he did. I loved the look of blood and horror (which stayed with me to this day, though I get anxious sometimes about blood in some situations.)

The money I bought my cat with partly came from Depeche Mode ticket that I bought, changed my mind, and sold (and, obviously, gave those to the breeder as a guarantee that I'm getting the kitten. I was around 16.) The rest of the price my dad paid for me.

I used to be a huge concert freak. All the travelling I did (13 countries) happened because of concerts. As soon as I turned 18, I started travelling. I slept outside a stadium of my fav band. I met musicians at airports and their hotels (mostly locally though, before I could start travelling). My time as a teen and up until 20 years old was very fun.

[livingoutloudstuff]

Scrolling till the end of time....

As of late, my life has become totally unmanageable to me. Maybe not to God, the force, HP, however you want to call it. But I find myself going to work and waking up scrolling for hours, I mean HOURS, because I just don't know how to do life right now. Right now, I have no answers to anything, and it's concerning me. For example, I have this student loan debt that I've had since I graduated college, and all these years later, it's still unmanageable. My health situation is unmanageable, I'm worrying about my rent going up in Oct when his mom comes back, like all these things....so I don't want to eat or get out of my bed in the morning. I'm training for a second restaurant job and I have no idea who my true friends are. I'm understanding that I need to bounce my ideas off of people and I need people in my life, but it's not working with the support system I have. Or maybe this is showing me that I can do this alone? Well, clearly not since this is bothering me so much I can't get out of bed and I can't really feed myself all that well. So, what do I do?

I can leave the city.

I can work 2 jobs, stack up my money, not think about my ex.

I can think about my ex, and be alone.

I can spend every waking moment staring into space.

Here's the thing, I'm trying to keep my nervous system in check and all I'm doing is back to eating stimulants and pastries, complex carbs, things that chill me out, cause I'm like at 100 internally all the time.

So the student loan, I want to explain what happened.

I graduated in 2008, with I guess an archaic version of student loans called FFELP, which is a type of loan that had a 3rd party lender (kinda reminds me of those scalpers or 3rd party people that buy tickets and then jacks up the price for music shows, but whatever), and in 2010 they created Direct Loans, that are directly from the government instead (which is why I always wondered why my sister had "better" loans than me). I say that because my loans didn't qualify for the pause during the pandemic and also has a variable interest rate (which the person helping me had never seen before). So yea I graduated with 7 different loans, 4 private and 3 federal. I have spent the last years paying off the private loans and in 2 years, I will be officially done with those. And now for the past couple of days, I've been dealing with how to handle these loans because: recently 2 of my loans jumped from @2-3% interest to 7.7% and that made me take a deep dive into how to fix this, which is how I found out about this whole mess anyway. Between paying student loans, rent and looking for work, I have been a little bit of a mess, also I can't seem to shake off my life that was, being in a relationship for almost 5 years. So lots of numbers and very little time for fun, it seems. Ok, back to these loans. Between 3 people, I was able to get so much clarity on my student loans: so what I had to do was consolidate my loans to Direct and re-apply for an IDR(F) repayment plan, because the IDR plan that I was on may or may not qualify for the forgiveness after 20 years, because maybe I was not on the right plan? That part is still unclear, though. I have to wait and see the number for next year. So this last person helped me get that in order and I legit cried when that was all done, because here was a person who actually was trying to help me and I am so grateful. It's not like I am not trying to pay my loans, I am an actor, an artist, I have always worked multiple jobs, I've lived with my family and now at my age, it would be nice to live alone - and I still have roommates. My friend says to me why am I not famous/successful like the other people my age are like yet, but I don't know, I'm literally trying to do all the right things in my life. I'm trying to keep a steady head in a chaotic af world, I'm trying to handle these loans that I had for decades at this point, I'm trying to stay healthy so that I can keep doing what I love and that is another thing I'm working on. And so, I have a lot on my plate and yet, someone will take one look at me and say I'm not doing much, sometimes that even comes from my own family. It hurts sometimes to not feel like people really get you. And I guess I'm understanding that maybe it's not for them to get. It's for me to get.

I hope that none of this makes sense. I hope that I have a ton of run-on sentences and all those things I was believed to be wrong from teachers. Because look at me, I'm here in NYC and working my life away it seems, I'm not eating well and I know I need to go to the grocery store, but I literally do not want to get out of bed. I don't want to push myself, I don't want to see the world, I just want to hide and I know that's not the right answer either, but I def feel stuck and I want to feel like I can work and still accomplish my health goals and artist goals and life goals and travel....but right now I'm not doing that. Right now, I've been catapulted to how life was before. And I do realize what I'm doing is not long-term the best for my health. I got all these books to read and maybe what I will do is take a shower, go to a cafe and read before my training shift.

It's really important for me to have people around, but maybe I'm just not really getting what to do. I'm going to put it in the God jar and maybe meditate for a minute.

[babydinojojo]

Day One/Entry one

Hello everyone, my name is Jordan but y'all can call me Jordie. Usually im on discord but i need another place to post my thoughts about everything on here. Well Here I go

I just finished cleaning my bathroom finally after my mom kept rushing me to fucking finish it as usual breh ;-;, but its okay now cause i can just chill out. So let's start on todays topic because I only have two things on my mind. So lets start with my partner Krisy she's just amazing and the girl of my dreams, i'm really glad i met her and have her in my life, she has her ups and downs and moments when she gets really angry but that's okay because at the end of the day i value our time together and the fact that we spend everyday together really puts a smile on my face. She's everything i wanted in a girl, she's pretty, amazing, adorable, chill, and I would do ANYTHING for her even if it means beating the shit out of someone who dares crosses her or upsets her in anyway shape and/or form. She isn't perfect to be honest here yes, but she's perfect in my eyes and she will always be no matter what.

I just hate the fact that i can't tell her shit sometimes and i struggle to tell her things that go on, just like a few days ago... I couldn't tell her that Kasu was my ex and the fact that the day we started dating.. i was heading home from the emergency room because I had a major anxiety attack that day at school. She tells me things all the time, and yes she lies but still we all lie we ain't perfect, but too be honest it's not fair that she tells me everything and i sometimes forget to tell her things, i always stress on myself there are no secrets, but yet.. I fail even at that.. I really don't wanna hurt her or lose her because i can't tell her things.. and im actually started to keep things fresh cause she's been doing the heavy lifting with that and I haven't. Yesterday I suggested that we watch Maleficent or however the fuck you spell it and then i started picking some new games more and more instead of picking the same old shit everyday.

But with all that said, I love her so much more than anything and anyone in the entire world and i wanna keep her in my life.. Hell i even plan on Moving to Missouri with her soon hehe but first we gotta get there anything and everything is possible and i don't wanna jinx things you know??

The next topic i wanna discuss is trains and the upcoming Class 700 release for Train Sim World 3. I was operating an R32(2007-2010 Phase I) on the B Line in Openbve this morning it was actually a decent run and i only overran one station, im slowly getting the hang of it but I wanna explore other things, that where Train Sim World 3 comes in to play. That game made me discover something new about myself and made me more open to trying other countries and seeing how their train system works. My personal Favorite UK line is the Brighton Mainline and my favourite UK Trains are the Electrostars(Classes 375,377,387), and the Thameslink Class 700(Which is coming out for Train Sim World 3), at the end of the day tho i always stick to the NYC Subway especially the R32s and R42s since they were my childhood and those subway cars were always there for me even during my darkest days back in Middle School, now a days you don't really see them anymore just for fan trips, I like the R179s Yea.. but i just wanna see the 32s and 42s come back because I miss being a child, not 17 going on 18 and this bullshit. The last good year for Humanity imo was 2019 and the fact that everyone was to realize that nuclear war a seriously a bad idea, but look at the world now, we are on the verge of a devestating war. America is more divided than ever OVER sexual orientation,there is a good chance i might end up coming out as Demi(He/They) but Im still straight i mean I feel like i am guy and i do identify as one, but yet i feel like i don't fully identify as one I know my parents and Krisy will support me and so will Dexter but will Jayden Support is the question, eh its fine. Im getting off topic I know but yea America is more divided over LGBTQ and it's such a shame because at the end of the day nobody should have to feel ashamed of who they are and what they identify as, it's not fair to them because the community fought for these rights and its about to be all for nothing only for them to be taken away.

We really need to stand against this, and even as a straight person i always support the lgbtq community no matter what.

The Class 700 i am really looking forward to running it in Train Sim World 3 on Tuesday and Mainly on Brighton Main Line. I was gonna pick up the Glossop Line, but then i thought Nah. Alright that's all i got for now see y'all soon

[yaeran]

[tokyo rev timeskip] my girlfriend is an idol??

ran haitani

ran,, i’d like to think he didn’t know about you being an idol— perhaps it was because he was too busy with his gang stuff but he just happened to meet you out of the blue and eventually started dating.

no one would’ve ever guessed the relationship, first off all the differences between you both, ran being an ex convict, active gang member and you, the perfect bubbly idol everyone loves. the only thing you guys had in common was the busy schedules. despite that you guys always made time to meet each other or even send texts.

one day he walked into one of the bonten rooms where haruchiyo and rindou often stayed in and saw haru putting up a poster of a person ran knew the facial features of too well.

ran being a bit too confident a firmly spoke, “you guys been spying on my girlfriend and i?” thinking this was all just a prank to tease ran that he had a girlfriend. the silence and confusion was loud, rindou and haru’s jaws could’ve touched the floor.

“take that down!” ran raised his voice walking towards the two.

“ran you drunk?” haruchiyo gasped still holding the poster up. ran furrowed his eyebrows then squinted at the poster. why is the photo so high quality? we’re you a model or something?

ran examined the photo more but was distracted by his brother that was wheezing a bit too loud.

“ran when did you start to like idols? even enough to call them your girlfriend?” rindou spoke through his wheezing. “why do you have this?” ran asked frustrated not hearing the question.

haru finished putting up the poster then t posed in front of it to keep it away from the lanky boy that looked like he was about to rip it off, “it’s just a poster of my favourite idol, can you chill?”

ran really didn’t understand the situation, “quit playing,” he towered over haru, rindou quickly pulled his brother back still laughing at the situation, “you guys can have the same favourite artist, don’t fight ran you’re not going to be her only fan.”

“favourite artist?” ran croaked with a confused tone.

haru and rin peeked at each other, “ran who do you think this person is?”

"that's yn?"

"precisely, yn ln the popular artist. we've played her songs around you before," haru looked like he was lecturing a class.

"songs?" ran was really a lost boy.

"how else do you know yn ran?"

"i'm dating a girl that looks like her and has the same name," he bluntly responded.

“what’s her occupation?”

“why would i know that?”

“does she know what your occupation is?”

“yea but i told her i’m an accountant.”

“wtf-“ rindou sighed, “what about, you guys have a conversation about your personal lives.

ran thought about it.

“and then when she does tell you she’s the amazing idol yn, can i meet her?” haru cuts in.

“no”

+ + +

and so he confronted you about your job.

you said you didn’t think it was important but in the first place ran must’ve been living under a rock for not knowing who you were.

it also explains the bizarre outfits that covered your face way too much when you’d go on dates, ran always wonders about the scarf on during summer.

he loves asking you about your music and started going to the concerts with haru and rindou.

he only now finds out some of the music you wrote was about him.

you still think he’s an accountant, his real life is still hidden.

extra:

the reason why ran faked about being an accountant is being one, he has no idea how to explain his job to yn, two, if ever yn wanted help financially, he can call koko for help.

haru was the only one that was a fan of you, you’ve noticed him from some of your concerts and you remembered him screeching cheering for you during your concert :D

rindou has only heard your music through the version of haru’s screaming.

haruchiyo always flirts with you, and has your number but he flexed it so much it’s almost gotten leaked at least 3 times. you probably went on more outings with haru than ran cause he’s stated “if she can’t be my girlfriend she’ll have to be my best friend”

the whole of bonten loves you, often asks ran to share.