#and then I remember how fucking depressed and lonely I was in college and I don’t want that for my little bro so it’s like.

[badolmen]

“Sorry for all the pings” as though I’m not the one single handedly keeping the friend group meeting regularly despite adult life schedules across three states.

[temis-de-leon]

Obey Me and Lonely MC

How I imagine the very few moments before MC was summoned to the Devildom

Gender neutral reader (please correct me If I'm wrong)

Masterlist

CW: angst, panicking and body pain, nothing explicit, college student MC sharing apartment, shitty college experience, lonely MC but the sad type of lonely, they're kinda depressed. Diavolo, Barbatos and Lucifer welcome MC, but they're barely there

Please enjoy!

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You only had time to close the door before the floor under your feet started sinking like quicksand, bending in waves and violently shaking your body.

Everything beyond the entrance seemed completely normal: the wood was as hard as it could be and the tiles shone as they always did, yellow and cheap thanks to the faded lights in the apartment.

Still, nothing there was brighter than whatever the fuck was illuminating your body from underneath. Where exactly you weren't sure, but it came from below.

It was weird.

It was too much.

You threw your backpack away from you, your computer possibly breaking with the fall under the weight of multiple books, before rummaging through all your pockets in search of your phone.

There had to be someone you could call. Someone. Anyone.

The blood pumped in you ears and your fingers struggled to unlock the screen while you screamed your roommates' names with a trembling voice.

You were alone.

How in fucking hell could you be alone?

Maybe you were dreaming or hallucinating! Stress could do that to you, right? Exams had been hectic those days and your sleeping habits had been disastrous for weeks, often leaving you empty at best and anhedonic at worst. That had to be it! Your brain was malfunctioning due to sleep depravation and high cortisol levels, also causing a decrease in balance and a permanent state of alert.

You were unnecessaryly panicking because your body was tired. It was as simple as that.

You. Were. Fine.

So you let your knees give up, wincing a little when they hit the floor. Your coat, always your favourite, was warm as a blanket and taking it off felt like a herculean task.

Your body followed its own weight, leaning forward until your hands touched the wood and kneaded like it was some kind of weird bread dough before you fully laid down. You felt as if it was absorbing your energy, draining it completely and making you lose your vision.

You thought you saw red surrounding your siluette in a circle, but your mind was too far gone by then, too tired to process anything that catched your brain's attention.

It could've been seconds or hours until you opened your eyes again. The possibility of being days was also there, but how could you be sure?

Flesh hard under your skin and blood slow through your veins, there was nothing you could feel but pain and the faint smell of sulfur.

Was there a leakage in the building?

And since when did your apartment have such high ceilings? Made of stone with stained glass... You'd never seen them, haven't you? You'd remember if you did.

Someone was talking to you. Not any of your roommates, of that you were sure. The voice was too deep.

You sat like a spring, dizzy and too aware of your surroundings, adrenaline kicking in. It did smell like sulfur, but it was going away, letting your nose catch instead what was probably a really expensive cologne.

There were men around you, you realized, all staring at your perplexed expression with amusement, as if you were a new addition to the zoo. And they were tall. Like... tall tall.

One of them, dressed in red, spoke to you again, but your ears were clogged. You weren't intentionally ignoring him, you just couldn't hear a single shit. You could barely hear your own heartbeat.

Were you still alive?

"Hey... Ah!"

Your voice sounded like a whisper for only one second, but it was enough to pop your ears and make you scream and grab the sides of your head in anguish. Someone, not the one in red, spoke again in a tongue you didn't recognize and made the pain disappear like mist.

"... where you are?"

"Human"

"Human! Answer the prince!"

What fucking prince?

"What?" you finally asked in a creaky voice.

"Do you know where you are?"

The redhead spoke one final time. He seemed to be the nicest one, but you couldn't fully trust the tallest dude you'd ever seen who also had yellow eyes.

Not light brown. Yellow. Bright yellow.

"I don't know, man... Hell?"

You were being sarcastic, but the smile in his face told you something completely unexpected.

"You see, Lucifer? Barbatos? They seem to be aware of their surroundings!"

"I'm not sure that's the case, my Lord"

Hell.

You were in hell? Of course you were.

It did make sense once you thought about it. Come on! Floor sinking under your feet? And your dumbass believed it was due to stress! How could it be stress, dummy? Hell was the obvious answer!

Although conscious, you became too foggy to coherently answer any of their following questions. It sounded like they already knew what they wanted to hear and they were just making sure you also knew it.

Name, age, gender, nationality... Not even your rommates knew half of that, so how did they?

Maybe you were schizophrenic. How far could schizophrenia go?

"So, do you agree?"

The redhead with yellow eyes... A demon? Lord Diavolo. The Prince of Hell.

He looked at you with childish eagerness. Lucifer and Barbatos, if those were their actual names, didn't seem as happy.

Diavolo wasn't asking for your permission. If he actually wanted your permission, he would've sent you a letter or even waited for you in your own apartment like a creep. But you were already there. Asking that was just courtesy. Politeness.

You stayed in silence for a couple of minutes, maintaining direct eye contact with him.

You remembered your backpack, computer surely broken and library books all wrinkled and smelly, reeking of mold. The two roommates that never came to your rescue and your inability to think of someone that would come in a second just because you needed help.

You'd be an unsolved crime. A YouTube clickbait.

That seemed better than letting college steal your money and will to live before throwing you to the wolves.

"Sure, man, why not?"

.

.

[angel-of-the-moons]

Blood Moon

Marc Spector/Moon Knight x Fem!Reader

TW/CW: Mentions of murder, spouse death, child death, betrayal, blood, violence, guilt, depression, manhunt

MINORS DNI I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR CONTENT YOU CONSUME

A/N: Yeah remember what I said about trying to finish this before Halloween? Yeah I'm a fucking liar don't ever take me for my word I am a monster.

This is where I decided to merge a tiny bit of lore from comics/MCU Moon Knight here in regards to his powers.

But anyways... Have this little tidbit into Marc's backstory! Marc and Randall are only about two years apart in age. So that means Marc is 36 at the time of this story. Forgive a few discrepancies here and there as I better establish a timeline.

Taglist: @badbishsblog

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Pt. 5

Living with Marc was certainly a hell of an experience. But, at the same time, you two were becoming a well-oiled machine. Barring the awkward slip-ups that had you two avoiding each other like the plague for hours, anyways.

It was nice, you found, to not be alone in your house anymore. You never realized it before, but you were always so... gray. Lifeless almost when you were alone. You didn't like to be left alone with your thoughts of yourself, of your inadequacies you'd never voice with anyone except your therapist.

But having Marc around eased that loneliness you actually hadn't realized you'd been feeling. Hell, it wasn't until he moved in and you got used to having another body in your house that you realized you were lonely in the first place.

Despite this, you'd realized that while yes, you had read his file and learned about his background, you'd yet to actually ask him about his past.

You haven't heard it directly from the horse's mouth, as it were.

But you decided not to broach the subject, yet. You still felt that it was too soon for that after your fight and make-up as a team to risk being at the throat of your new roommate.

Because, you realized, it was nice having one again. You hadn't had a roommate since you had been in foster care.

And you weren't ready to lose that just yet.

Marc had odd habits, to say the least. More often than not, you'd catch him actually sleeping in the basement on the old plush couch you kept down there, instead of his bedroom.

His bedroom was always kept immaculate, but the basement was his workspace and god, was it a mess.

Papers and tech strewn about, gear scattered on worktables as he took them apart to fix them or run maintenance; plus the cases containing your hero gear as well.

It looked like a college student crammed for their exam two hours before their finals almost every time you went down there...

🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸

Tonight, you'd found Marc fast asleep, snoring softly as he sprawled out on the worn, suede couch, his body sinking into the ridiculously squishy cushions as he dreamt.

He had one arm draped over his face, one knee raised, and the other arm hanging off the edge of the cushions, a datapad clutched tightly in his hand.

It was almost cute.

You pulled out a quilt you nabbed at a yard sale, once and carefully draped it over him, as the basement could get rather chilly at times and poor Marc was passed out in nothing but his sweats and a t-shirt.

You put your hands on your hips and looked at the mess scattered on the surface of the coffee table in front of him, plus the few on the floor. A few SHIELD-issue tablets, and some paper files (yeesh, who even used those anymore?).

You chewed your bottom lip hesitantly, sparing the unconscious Marc a small glance before you felt a nagging in your gut. Curiosity was always one of your less... qualities at times.

How did that story about curiosity and the cat go, again?

Anyways...

You simply couldn't help yourself. What exactly was Marc always researching all the time?

You had to know. Even if it was just a tiny nugget of knowledge.

You sat in a squat next to Marc, looking at him as he breathed softly, showing no signs of stirring.

You slowly and as gently as possible, pulled the tablet in Marc's hand free of his calloused fingers, and stepped away from him to turn it on, so the light wouldn't stir him.

And you were glad you did, it almost blinded you when you hit the power button.

How the fuck did Marc see with shit this bright?

You had to fumble until you turned the brightness down, and let your eyes re-adjust.

The thing that immediately struck you was one line.

A name.

It made your blood chill, turning into icy sludge as it crawled through your veins; you felt your mouth go dry.

Randall Spector.

Age: 34

Race: Caucasian

Last known confirmed location: Paris, France.

The rest of the page had a list of crimes he was the main suspect of. Murder, theft, espionage, assassination...

You looked up, dumbfounded at Marc's sleeping body.

There was no way they could be related. It had to be common name, right?

You looked back down and scrolled to another page.

And your hopes that it was a common last name were dashed.

The picture of the man was this Randall, younger obviously, he looked to be in his early 20s in his Illinois ID.

But the resemblance to Marc was sickeningly uncanny. Randall had messy curly hair that was slicked back as best he could, and a charming smile that could no doubt put a heart attack at ease, his brown eyes glowing with humor in their depths as he grinned for the camera.

You swallowed hard at the lump in your throat and continued scrolling. The file contained grainy and blurry security footage of possible sightings over the years in various places across the globe.

The most shocking picture at the end, however... Was a picture of Marc with a group of people, Randall included.

They were, judging by the looks of it, in a desert of some kind. Randall hung on Marc, appearing to be laughing as the photo had been taken, meanwhile Marc stood, unusually clean-shaven and stoic, his arms crossed over his chest as he gave a small, ghost of a smile.

A young woman stood to Marc's left, holding onto his forearm as she smiled widely, her dark black, curly hair pulled back into a tight braid, her thick-rimmed glasses perched all the way up her nose.

Marc and that woman wore matching bands on their left ring fingers.

You brought your hand to your mouth in revulsion at the revelation, feeling your stomach roil in protest. It was either guilt, or horror because you knew... Marc had no family. You knew about his daughter being dead. But not her mother. Nothing about a brother.

You were in too deep now, and you just couldn't stop yourself.

You scrolled to a new page, detailing a small bit of information on that woman.

Erica Spector.

Age (deceased): 26

Race: Hispanic.

Cause of death: Vehicular Accident (Attributed to brake failure)

The picture of her ID broke your heart. She beamed at the camera, her slightly crooked teeth showing as she smiled proudly, a slight glare in her glasses as the flash hit the lenses.

The next photo, was her and Marc. At their wedding. She wore a gorgeous mermaid gown with a floral lace neckline, her sleeves ending in almost a bell-shape. Her hair hung down in gorgeous waves with violets pinned to the strands, framing her face and sun-kissed skin illuminated with highlighter as she smiled at the camera. Marc had been looking at the ground for whatever reason as they both stood at the altar, his arm around her waist and his hand adjusting the waistline of his dress pants.

But he was smiling. And it was such a gorgeous smile, teeth out, dimples in his cheeks and his eyes practically closed from how wide his lips were stretched.

The next photo broke your heart.

It appeared to be a maybe a year or so later (at most) after the photo of them in the desert.

Erica was pregnant, her belly sticking out far in the baby blue sundress she wore, holding up a cute pink onesie in her hands that simply read "Daddy's Princess" on the front in purple cursive font.

The photo after that one was of them in the hospital, Marc standing by the window of the hospital room, holding his newborn daughter in his arms, a soft, glowing smile on his face as her tiny fingers gripped his hand.

You felt your chest burn as you felt the gravity start to kick in, but you turned another page in the file.

Diatrice Spector

Age (deceased): 5

Race: Hispanic-Caucasian

Cause of death: Homicide (Found to be caused by gunshot wounds to the chest.)

You felt like your heart would give out at that word.

Homicide.

You assumed Marc lost his daughter in some horrible, tragic accident, like you'd lost your family.

But no. Three years ago, someone murdered his baby. And her babysitter.

The photos of the crime scene unfolded next, bloody boot prints everywhere, the babysitter's head partially caved in from a beating, and Diatrice--

"What the hell are you doing?!"

You jumped and almost dropped the tablet in your fright, spinning on your heels to see Marc staring at you from the couch, the quilt hastily tossed off of him.

You expected him to be angry, to look absolutely pissed at you.

Instead he looked... Terrified. Scared.

Heartbroken.

His gorgeous brown eyes were big, heavy dark circles hanging like curtains over his cheeks as he stared at you, mouth agape.

"I... I... I'm sorry, I... I didn't--" You stammer, swallowing hard, clutching the tablet against your chest.

"I was just..."

God, there was no excuse for this. You were curious. Curious and nosey, and you didn't have the guts to ask him anything about his past to his face yet, afraid for the repercussions that might cause; of the ripples it would trigger in the glass-like surface of the water of teamwork you two strove for.

Marc looks at you, your eyes locked in a tense, silent stare.

Then, he runs his hand through his air as he lets out a slow exhale, shoulders dropping.

He looks away and waves you over to sit next to him, and he scoots to the side.

The moment you sat down, you immediately thrust the tablet into his lap, your palms spreading over your knees as you bounced your feet.

"L-Look, I was just--"

"Stop." Marc sighed, setting the tablet on the coffee table. His voice was still heavy with sleep, that slightly gravelly tone you may or may not have fantasized about once or twice.

He looked at you, his lips pressed into a thin line before he spoke.

"How far did you get?"

Your nails dug into the fabric of your pajama pants as your legs bounced aimlessly, trying to alleviate the embarrassment, guilt, and shame of you snooping through his things.

"I..." You say, chewing the inside of your cheek.

God, you felt terrible.

Your body stopped cold when his heavy hand slid over your knee, stopping your movements in their place.

You felt his fingers squeeze you softly, before his palm rubbed the bones he could feel beneath your skin and muscle in a soothing gesture.

"I guess it's only fair I tell you about me, huh?" Marc sighed dejectedly, taking his hand off of you and wiping his face, as if that gesture alone could erase his fatigue.

"To answer the first few questions I know you have bouncing around in your head..." He added, leaning forward with his elbows on his knees as he stared at the paperwork and tablets on the table in front of you two.

"Yes. Randall is my brother. My little brother. And yes. I'm looking for him." Marc looked at you.

You were sitting patiently, your brows pinched and your expression pensive.

"Nobody would listen to me, but I know he caused the accident that killed Erica." You saw his throat bob hard as his expression darkened. "The investigation said she veered off the road due to bad conditions. But I'm not stupid. I looked into it myself, and bribed someone to let me look at the wreckage. The brake lines weren't torn during the crash, they were cut before the crash. Nobody would listen to me and I almost got arrested for interfering with an investigation. Yeah, right."

He snorted, a humorless and cold sound.

"They closed the case as an accident, wouldn't listen to me. Said I was "too hung up on the loss of my wife"." He made finger quotes. "So I investigated myself. God, fuck, I knew it was Randall... If they'd just listened to me... He..."

His voice broke up as he clenched his eyes shut.

"Diatrice wouldn't have been... I would still have her."

"Marc...." You say, reaching out to touch his shoulder. "Why... why would Randall do this?"

He sighs deeply, a heavy sound coming from him like the air was just vacuumed out of his lungs.

"It... Fuck. Randall is the one who introduced me to Erica. I had just gotten out of the Marines. It just... They weren't a good fit for me, so I returned to Chicago. Home." Marc leaned back, looking up at the ceiling. "Randall had gotten a job in some security firm for archeological digs, which is where he met Erica. It was good money, he told me. They were friends. She just got her degree and was trying to get the spot on a dig site somewhere. We... hit it off fast. Within a year, we got married, Randall got me a job in his firm. A year after that, we went to Egypt with Erica on a dig."

"Your file said you got your powers on a dig in Egypt..." You say softly.

"Yeah. That same dig. It was a pain in the ass, we still don't know what exactly happened. I touched something, a statue, and... Poof. Powers." Marc lets out a slow hiss of air, his eyes closing, dark lashes touching his cheeks. "We finished the dig, everyone swore into secrecy. SHIELD found out about it anyways, and offered me a position. It's where I built my ankh and my tech."

"But... Peter said you got your powers from the ankh." You say, brows knit together in confusion.

"He's wrong. My file was put down incorrectly, but it's been fixed since I noticed the discrepancy after Peter mentioned that when he wanted my help during the Symbiote Invasion." Marc looked at you, his eyes tired and strained.

"But still. Something pissed Randall off. Randall and I weren't ever really friends, even as siblings. We tolerated each other. When I got those powers and he didn't? He just... he fucking snapped. After we returned from the dig, members of the team started turning up dead. Then, we found out we were expecting our first child. It turns out that Erica either got pregnant during the dig or shortly after."

You couldn't help but smile softly, your expression a bit pained. "During the dig? Marc..."

"Let's just say we were happy I wasn't dead after touching that statue." Marc said, closing his eyes with a nostalgic, yet sad smile.

"But anyways... with our baby on the way, we focused on that instead. When Diatrice was born, it was the happiest day of my life. She was a happy, bubbly little thing."

You sensed the shift from affectionate pride as he spoke about his daughter, to the grief you knew was coming as he spoke:

"Two years later, Erica had her "accident". Three years after that... Randall murdered Dee and Sandra. God. That poor girl. She was still so young. She tried so hard to keep him from hurting Dee."

He gritted his teeth and rested his arm over his face, most likely to hide the tears that wanted to roll free from the dam of his eyelids. Marc's voice was a weak tremble.

"After that, I started hunting, I moved my base of ops to the sewers. I went digging after he vanished. He became a hitman, a no-good killer for hire. Then I went to ground six months before the Symbiotes invaded. After that is when Peter found me, or well, I found him."

"And here we are, a year later..." You said softly.

"Yeah." He croaked out weakly.

You both sat in a long, pregnant silence. You weren't even sure how long it was, all you could hear was the sound of the water heater making noises now and again, and the buzzing fluorescent lights illuminating your basement.

"Marc?" You finally asked.

"Yeah?" He answered.

You swallowed the lump in your throat and lean back and over, until your head rested on Marc's shoulder.

You could feel him hold his breath and tense, and you waited until he breathed again to speak.

"...I'm sorry for snooping." You apologized.

"You were curious about me. It's not like I've been forthcoming about this shit." Marc sighed softly, his body softening slightly.

"But still. It was wrong." You say to him, closing your eyes as you take a deep breath.

The smokey, pine scent of his choice of cologne and body wash filled your nose, filtering around in your lungs as you take in the essence that is Marc Spector.

"Marc."

"Still here."

"Thank you... for telling me all of this." You whisper.

"It was about time I get it all out. I guess it just took the right battering ram to knock the door down."

You can't help but chuckle, and Marc joins in with you.

It was good to hear him laugh.

🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸

Pt. 6: Coming Soon

[shieldofiron]

Nothing Compares 2 U

It’s happened for three days now. Billy wakes up to the space beside him empty. He’s still staying on his side, hands searching out. And then it comes back to him.

The motel room smells like stale smoke and whatever nasty cleaner they use. He dresses quickly, because it's kind of depressing in the room. Though he’s depressed, so maybe he’d be depressed in any room.

He goes to work, and at this point when Steve calls, they don’t even bother telling Billy. Mel, the girl at the front desk, just tells him Billy doesn’t want to talk and shoots Billy a look through the glass door. He goes back to working over the transmission of a brown sedan, heart in his throat.

He is going to have to eventually talk to him. Maybe. At least to get his stuff back. Or just his surfboard. He wonders if Steve has put it out on the curb for the garbage men already. Tomorrow’s trash day, he wonders if Steve remembered…

Only that’s not his job anymore. He and Steve don’t live together any more. He keeps slipping up on that.

He gets back in his car at the end of the day and rests his head on the steering wheel. Maybe he won’t go back to his room. Maybe he’ll just drive somewhere. The beach, or a fancy restaurant or… anywhere. It all sounds terrible. Everything sounds about as bad as going back to the motel.

So he ends up at a liquor store, staring at the selection. Nothing sounds good, nor does getting drunk sound good, but he’s here anyway. So he might as well.

Sinead O’Conner is playing over the liquor store speakers. He kind of hates that song, it’s been everywhere, even if it was written by Prince. It’s maudlin crap, which doesn’t explain why he’s tearing up, rum and bourbon blurring together.

It's been so lonely without you here

Like a bird without a song

Nothing can stop these lonely tears from falling

Tell me baby, where did I go wrong?

Billy ducks his head close to his chest and heads out, but the song is in his head now. He looks up at the night sky, obscured by LA fog and for the first time in three days, he cries.

It started with the wedding invitation. Of course they were going to be invited, Nancy and Steve had kept in touch, and Jonathan was practically Billy’s brother at this point, after Hopper had taken Billy in, and Joyce had taken them both in.

So he didn’t know why Steve was acting so weird about it, talking about how maybe they shouldn’t go, and the trip to Hawkins was so tedious. As if Steve didn’t love rolling back into his hometown for championship games and science fairs, and whatever other babysitter bullshit his kids could scrape up. There was less now that the kids had gone to college, but Steve was already talking about Erica’s high school graduation.

So why was Jonathan and Nancy’s wedding such a fucking problem unless Steve was still hung up on her.

And Billy got it, he did. Nancy Wheeler was great. A little judgemental sometimes, but who wasn’t? And maybe Steve missed holding hands in public, and being able to brag on who he was dating.

Billy understood all of that with his head. He knew with his head that he and Steve could move to California, and kiss every night, and it would never be enough for Steve. Billy knew he was temporary. He knew he was easy to leave, so he made it easy and left after the fight.

The thing was… the fucking horrible, wake up every day missing him, heart in the throat, drive back to Hawkins for every dumb thing about it was… Steve wasn’t temporary. Not to Billy. He’d burrowed his way into Billy’s ribs, and being without him made it hard to breathe.

Suddenly, desperately, Billy needed to hear his voice, more than anything. He scrambled for a payphone, telling himself he could hang up if Steve said hello. He could listen to their answering machine for fuck’s sake, just to hear his voice. He felt like an addict, shoving dimes into the machine.

“Billy?” Steve picked up on the first ring.

Billy just stayed silent, heart aching and being soothed all at once.

“Billy, I know it’s you,” Steve continued after a moment, “Where did you go? I’ve been so worried, I’ve been calling and calling the shop but… Billy won’t you come home, please?”

Billy rests his head against the payphone and closes his eyes.

“I’m sorry I got so angry. I know it doesn’t make sense, I know we can’t get married, I didn’t know you were so against-”

“What are you talking about?” Billy asks, his voice coming out raw and rusted from crying.

“I… You left,” Steve says, like that makes any sense at all, “Because you don’t want to get married. Or, you know, as married as we can be.”

“What the fuck are you talking about?”

Steve sighs, and Billy can imagine him in the kitchen, feet shuffling in his socks because he hates shoes in the house. The image is like a punch to the gut, and Billy almost groans. It’s the first thing he’s wanted in days. Nothing in the fucking world compares to being home with Steve in his stupid white gym socks. Nothing in the world.

“When we got the invitation, I asked if you ever thought about marrying me, and you… laughed. So… I guess,” Steve huffs, “Sorry I had a fucking feeling about it.”

“I don’t even remember that,” Billy mumbles.

“Great.” Steve pauses, “Look, I guess I’m still kind of angry. But come home, we can talk about it.”

Billy sniffles, and he realizes he’s been crying still, probably the whole time, because he’s a sap, because he’s in love, because he’s been so stupid and careless.

“I thought you were still hung up on Nancy,” Billy whispers, “I thought you didn’t want to go to the wedding because you… still loved her.”

“Billy,” Steve’s voice is a low rumble, and it’s so warm and wonderful, better than any song on the radio, “We’ve been together five years. We live together. I’m not in love with anyone else. How can you even think that?”

Billy hiccups on a laugh then, because he could easily think that. Steve is… fucking everything.

“Billy,” Steve says, “Come home. Please, come home. I miss you. We don’t have to get married. We don’t have to go to the wedding, or we can. Please. Just come home to me.”

“I don’t remember that, but… I never in a million years would have thought you were serious,” Billy whispers, “Did you… mean it?”

The other end is silent apart from Steve’s jagged intake of breath, “Yeah, I meant it.”

Billy sniffs, swiping at his eyes and deciding to blame it on the rotten trash smell in the booth. He looks through the dirty window at the street, and tries to even out his breathing.

“This is not how I meant to do this. I was gonna like… talk myself up a little. Make myself look really good,” Steve laughs.

“You’re… you’re fucking perfect,” Billy whispers harshly, almost angrily.

“Doesn’t always feel that way,” Steve huffs, “Billy… will you marry me?”

Billy sobs a little, but he manages to get it out, “Yes.”

Nothing compares to coming home to Steve, in his little socks, and kissing and laughing at themselves, talking about how they need to talk since they're gonna get married now, and married people talk. Nothing, nothing, nothing.

I’ll put it on ao3 why not. I get married next week so have a fluff.

[kayventa]

feeling like shit lately

i dont want to grow up

being a preteen was hard enough

now a teenager?

soon enough i'll be in high school

then college

then i'll be off on my own! i dont even know if i create a family or not anymore

i miss when i'd run around like there were no universal problems in the world

when i went to middle school for the first time

when i meant people already developing in the end of elementary

when my best friend caused so much drama in third grade

my i was finally taking in info in second grade

when i'd enjoy crustables

when i lost the joy of holding my little brother's hand

when i didnt know how depressed my dad was when my abuelo passed

when i was first let in to theyre first house

when i took my first breath

lifes getting harder. its nostalgic. like just thinking about the past, the trends, what changed, the privileges increasing, the higher demand.

i miss my bff from pre-k

she helped me through

then i moved

english became a part of life

i miss ariah

i remember she could make these puppy eyes perfectly back in kindergarten and first grade

then we stopped talking in third

and then she moved

i miss alexia

we had to sit together at a lone table in fourth grade

we started talking

then elementary was ending

she wasnt going to the same middle school

fuck life is hard

so sad

wow

saddddddsdssss

@ncgz nice to see you

happy i guess

its good

i get cake

yay

toodles

she said that hahah anyways

nighty

i like rambling idk

✌🏽

nice to be home

home sweet home

[bonthefuckjourx]

It is exceptionally lonely being Professor Malfoy

Pairing: Professor!Draco Malfoy x Reader

Summary: One night you are club hopping with a few of your college friends and the next day you wake up in the Slytherin dorm rooms. Finally, being in the world of your dreams you decide to take your future into your own hands and befriend Draco Malfoy only to realize he isn't in your year. He isn't even a student.

Word Count: 3k+

Warning: Slight mention of Depression and being cut with a knife.

Universe: AU where it's been 10 years after Voldemort's death and some characters find themselves back at Hogwarts teaching. Reader gets transported into this Universe.

A/n: This story will contain smut eventually as it will have more than one part. Characters apart of smut are not underage. The reader is 22 but is simply put into her "7th" year at Hogwarts. I hope you like it!

“Come on Claire, we don’t want to miss breakfast.”

“I know I’m coming. Just let me finish putting my hair up.” 

That’s weird, I only have one roommate and she was staying with her boyfriend the night before. Right? While keeping the crook of my right arm over my eyes, I tried to remember what happened last night. I went out with Ophelia and a few other people I didn’t quite know. We went to a few clubs and at the end we were pretty drunk. Did I go home with someone else? Am I in someone else’s dorm? Cursing to myself I decided to finally remove my arm and gather in my surroundings. 

Woah. I was in a huge dorm. It wasn’t like the American US dorm rooms I was used to back home. There were five beds in this giant room, I occupied one of them. My sight gravitated to the dark emerald green colors around the room. It had silver, gray, and black accents of all kinds. By the time I ventured off the bed I was laying in, all of the other girls had left the dorm. Being curious I decided to look through some people’s things trying to figure out where the hell I was. Before I could even do that I noticed the Slytherin House Crest on one of the walls. Holy shit. How did I not notice? I must still be dreaming, but this is the coolest fucking thing ever. 

Quickly I went over to the truck I found in front of the bed I had been sleeping in. I lifted the cover and found a wand case laying right on top of some clothes. My wand…

At that moment I remembered my account I created to be able to choose a house and wand. They must have carried over into my dream. My wand is aspen wood with a dragon core, a beautiful combination. Giddy with excitement I removed the wand from its case and swung it around a bit. Trying to remember a simple spell, I cast Lumos. A little flicker of light showed on my first try and I squealed in excitement. I went on to find my school uniforms and robes underneath it. Within a minute I was dressed and walked over to the mirror in the room. It was everything I ever wanted. I felt powerful, but also depressed at the idea that this was just a dream. 

In a rush I tried to find anything that might prove this was more than a dream. I looked in the other nightstands I found around the room. One of them held what looked to be a small ritual knife. Without thinking about what they might be using it for, I decided to make a cut on my arm. Typically in my dreams whenever I felt pain I woke up. Taking one deep breath and closing my eyes, I gently pressed the sharp blade onto my upper arm. Fuck, that definitely hurt. I opened my eyes to see beads of blood started to drip out of the wound. I wiped the blood off onto my clothes I had woken up in. That’s when it hit me. 

I was still wearing modern day clothes when I woke up. I was in a small tight black dress that I had used to go clubbing the night before. What if I brought other things with me? Frantically I searched my bedsheets and I found my phone. It still had a charge and displayed the date with it. January 25th, 2023. 

In shock I looked down on the bed once more and found a note. It was written with nice cursive words, but looked to be written in a bit of a rush. 

“You belong in this world, so I brought you here. Your future lies with Draco Malfoy, go to him. He will help.”

S

I belong in this world? With none other than Draco Malfoy. This all felt too unrealistic to be real. I was never one to believe that our world actually held magic, but I always wanted to believe. Perhaps Time travel was possible, just like in the cursed child. If this all was true then it was the best thing to ever happen in my life. It’s like a brand new start in a life where I won’t actually want to kill myself. 

Because of the note, I felt more at ease that I actually did belong in this world. Excitement pulsed through me at the idea that I finally could study magic. Only problem is, what year am I in? Before this world I was in my last year of college, at 22. I really wished I was in my 7th year here. I wouldn’t be able to stand it if all of my classmates were much younger than me. 

There’s only one thing I can do. Attend Hogwarts like normal, pick up intel about who I am from other people casually, pass all of my classes that I have almost no credible knowledge about, and actually be able to talk to Draco Malfoy. Ohh, this was going to be hard. I hope I even have class with him. What if Draco and I didn’t even have any classes together? Not to mention will he even like me or will he bully me too? 

I looked at my phone and hoped the time was at least right. Shit, I probably should head to breakfast before I miss it. With my newfound plan I opened the door to my room and made my way to the Slytherin common room. It was beautiful with its dark academia aesthetic, and I knew one of these nights I would have to curl up to the fire and read a good book.  I turned around a few times, but eventually I made it through the halls of Hogwarts and into the Great Hall where breakfast was being held. Quickly trying to keep my head down I tried to find an empty seat in the Slytherin tables. It wasn’t really that empty, but the closest person to me was at least a seat down. The best I was going to be able to do I suppose. 

My hangover was really starting to hurt me at this point, and I was extremely hungry. I dug into the breakfast meal in front of me and tried to not gain any attention. Before too long I heard a voice try to quiet everyone down from the Professor’s tables. 

“Good morning everyone! I’d like to congratulate you all on either your first day at Hogwarts or for continuing to show up again in the first place.” At this most students gave at least a small chuckle, but all I could notice was how the person speaking was Harry fucking Potter. I tried not to let my shock show, but someone to my right noticed. 

“I know even though it’s been two years I still forget our headmaster is Harry Potter!” I looked to my right to notice a smaller dark skinned girl. Her coily hair fell around her face and framed it perfectly. I couldn’t help, but notice her heart shaped glasses, and crystal earrings. She gave me the kindest smile I ever saw and the excitement in her eyes was hard to suppress. 

“Yeah, it’s crazy to think about isn’t it?” I said in response. I suppose the world I traveled to is in the future compared to the books. I blushed slightly, as it meant my favorite characters would be older than me. Perhaps more of them were teachers. Suddenly the sentence, I hope I have class with Draco Malfoy had a completely different meaning. 

“My name’s Aria, what’s yours?” She held out her hand for me to shake it and I did so with a grin on my face. She seemed really nice, perhaps someone I could befriend. 

“Oh, (Y/n) Teresi. It’s nice to meet you.” Her eyes lit up at my reply.

“Of course, why didn’t I figure it out. You’re in seventh year right? I am too. I think I saw you in lectures last year.” She looked away briefly to contemplate it, but decided she must have remembered enough and looked back at me, confident in her answer.

“Yeah, that must have been where you saw me. What class do you have first?” I tried to be casual, but I really was trying to figure out how in the world I was going to figure out my class schedule. 

“I have Defense Against the Dark Arts, what’s yours?” Shit, I don’t honestly know what I was expecting, but I suppose having a friend help you find what classes you had wasn’t so weird. 

“Honestly I have no clue. Is there a class schedule or something?” I said this with a small embarrassed smile trying to hide the fact I had no idea what I was doing. 

“Oh yeah don’t worry you can grab one at any classroom on the first day. I suppose they had a lot of confused students before. Come with me to DADA and we can get you one.” I let out a breath I didn’t know I was holding and let myself relax a little. It was less nerving to know I would have a friend to show me around after all. Even if it was just enough to receive my class schedule. 

“Sounds amazing Aria, thanks truly. I would be so lost without you.” With that we both had a small laugh and turned back to our breakfast. In a couple minutes we were both finished and decided to head to DADA to hopefully figure out where I was supposed to go. As we left the Great Hall I looked back at the professor’s table. No Draco. Maybe he wasn’t a professor after all? A wave of disappointment washed through me, but I sooner pushed it away. What if he didn’t want to eat in the Great Hall this morning? I’ve had plenty of mornings just like that. 

Before too long we found ourselves in front of the door to Defense Against the Dark Arts. Aria opened the door for me and announced our arrival as we walked in. 

“Professor Malfoy? We were hoping you would be able to give us a class schedule?” As we walked in I stopped dead in my tracks as I noticed Draco Malfoy in the middle of writing something on the chalkboard at the front of the room. He was the professor of Defense Against the Dark Arts. I’ll admit I didn’t anticipate it, but I found that it made a good amount of sense. A proud smile found my lips as I imagined what hardships he must have overcome since his 7th year at Hogwarts, to be standing here as a Professor today. 

“Yes I have quite a few extra, she can have one.” With that he motioned for me to follow him to his desk. I did follow him and watched as he opened a desk drawer and pulled out a small metal compact. 

“Here, it’s a bit of a new system. Just open it, speak your name, and it will display your class schedule.” I grabbed the compact from his hand and felt a slight shock when our fingertips brushed slightly. With that I looked up right into his expansive eyes. He held onto a soft smile, but his eyes held something entirely different. They felt darker than the emotion he was trying to portray. As if he was trying to figure out, just the same as me, what happened.

“Thank you, Professor Malfoy.” His name seemed to roll off of my tongue. I never wanted to stop saying it. 

“You’re welcome, Miss…?” He looked at me expecting an answer, clearly he has never noticed me before. 

“Teresi, (Y/n) Teresi actually.” 

“It’s nice to meet you, Miss Teresi. I hope I’ll see you in my class.” With that he gave me one last smile and proceeded to walk back towards the chalkboard. 

“I hope so too.” Before I knew it the words were out of my mouth. I really hoped he didn’t hear it, but the smirk that had appeared on his face as he turned away said otherwise. Utterly embarrassed I walked back over to Aria, and together we opened my class schedule. 

“Nice, it’s almost exactly like mine! Advanced Potions, DADA, Advanced Charms, Divination, Herbology… Except you have DADA dueling? That must be an elective. I think I have Advanced transfiguration there.” I stared at my schedule, I couldn’t believe how lucky I was with my classes. If I had a choice I would have chosen those classes myself. Who knows maybe this world was made for me and it already knew. 

“Hey and I have DADA with you right at the beginning of the day. Ugh, but I have DADA dueling last? I was looking forward to that one.” I mumbled that last part to myself, but Aria laughed to herself at my disappointment. 

“Come on, let's take a seat.” With that Aria led me up the aisle and we found a spot right in the middle of the room. Perfect for staring at Draco, I mean Professor Malfoy. I smirked to myself, this was going to be fun. 

—----------------------------------------------------------------------------

This was not fun. Almost two weeks had passed since I first arrived at Hogwarts. I would be lying if I said I was a straight A student. My classes were difficult, and being completely new to magic didn’t help. I was completely lost in all of my classes, but I thought that with enough studying I might be able to pinch together a C or C+. My dreams were dashed though when I received my first test score in Defense Against the Dark Arts. 

“Miss Teresi, do you care to explain why you completely failed this test? I understand if it was just with it being the first few weeks back, but perhaps you need some extra help. See me after class if you’d like to take the offer.” With that Professor Malfoy left me alone with my thoughts and a failed test grade. Ugh, I really tried in DADA too. I was just so completely out of my element here, it scared me. Even though I loved being in this new world, sometimes I wished there was a Vocal Class here too. I loved to sing back home and my college major was going to be Vocal Music after all. I was enrolled in a lot of vocal courses, but also drama, musical theater, and dance. I loved every second of it even if I was lonely at times. Music was my escape. With being here I haven’t had time to listen to music, but to listen to the music I really wanted to listen to I would have to find a way to charge my phone. It died just a few days after I arrived. 

In my head though, I already decided I would join Professor Malfoy for help in DADA. Maybe if he liked me enough he would help me in other classes too. The only thing I hated was the seemingly sexual tension between us. It probably is all in my head, but I hate the fact that I am portrayed as a student. He would never actually look at a student like that, unless they were a 7th year that obviously was old enough. From looking at him he wasn’t very old, but definitely mature. He has slight stubble and his hair over the years must have become a bit more blonde. He was breathtakingly sexy and it was only amplified when he rolled up his sleeves. His rings were still a prominent part of his attire although I noticed he now has reading glasses he uses from time to time. He still bore the Dark Mark, but it faded significantly over the years. Would it be so wrong if I said I found it a bit hot? My point being, he probably would allow himself to find a 7th year attractive if he had a definitive answer that they were of age. Like a tattoo maybe…

With that thought I looked down at my hands and forearms as I rolled up my long sleeves. Of fucking course. I forgot that I had a tattoo sleeve done on my right arm years ago after I turned 18. It was magical and heavily inspired by Harry Potter. Swirls of magic made their way down my arm in black ink. Intermixed I had moons, stars, the Slytherin Crest, the Deathly Hallows symbol, and my patronus a hummingbird. The most important piece of it was the underside of my forearm. There it bore the Dark Mark. At the time I tattooed it in solidarity with Draco. As someone who never had much choice in their life, but to succeed where their parents felt it mattered, I understood. 

I realize now how much trouble I could be in if someone saw it. Hopefully when I saw Professor Malfoy after class I could try explaining a few things. The tattoo and maybe he would listen to my crazy story too, but the latter seemed like a stretch. What am I going to do? I could show him the note, or my phone too. I’m glad I kept all of those things in my bag at all times. It would be disastrous if someone found them in the dorms. 

—----------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Professor.” I greeted him as I approached his desk and as he looked up at me he removed his glasses and set them to the side. 

“Please take a seat, Miss Teresi.” He motioned to a seat near behind his desk and with a flick of his wand he cast a spell. I looked at him confused as I had no clue what he cast. He must have realized my confusion as we both sat down. 

“To lock the doors and set my out of office sign up.” My breath hitched at what he might have implied. He looked almost evil. In the most handsome way. 

“Now about your grades…” At this moment I found him staring at my tattoos. If I wasn’t sure before, I am now. There’s no way he believes me to be underage. That one thought stood out above all others and made it hard for me to think of a coherent sentence. 

“Yes about that.” I tried to laugh off my embarrassment, but stopped when I saw how serious he looked. 

“Not to pry, but have you been paying attention at all during your time at Hogwarts? I mean, you missed way more questions than anyone I’ve had in my class so far. What’s going on?” He looked at me with concerned eyes and I could feel myself start to tear up. 

“You’re not going to believe me.” I almost whispered that sentence as I looked at him with broken eyes. However, he looked at me with empathy. His gaze hardened slightly as he spoke. 

“Try me.” His voice was firm, and his answer final. 

“Promise me you will believe me no matter what. My life has been insane. I don’t even think the great Harry Potter would believe me.” I looked to the side trying to find any distraction from his intense gaze. 

“Good thing I’m not Harry Potter.” He moved a free hand to brush a tear that had fallen. That simple act broke me and I knew that letter was right. My future, destiny, and home lied here all at once. 

“Okay well you’re going to want to clear your class schedule. This might take a while.” He removed his hand as I mustered up a smirk and looked him in the eyes once more. Sitting back, he leaned against his hand as he balanced it on the back of his chair with a gleam in his eye. 

“Anything for you, Darling.” 

[tomatoluvr69]

I think you’re very wise so I’ll ask you: how does one make friends in their 20s. Like I have a friend group and stuff but I’d like to branch out more. Maybe fuck around find love. Who knows. But how …….

I’m pretty floored by this compliment not gonna lie…and I should be clear that I’ve also struggled with finding friends out of college. I wound up moving back to my college town where I had some connections already, but I can tell you what I did to branch out from those people and make new ones? This is just what’s worked for me, and it’s been slow going, but here goes :-) putting it under a readmore because it got really long and rambly hehe

I had a pretty rough summer when, after 5-6 months of my living here, two of my closest friends (literally 2/3 of the people I decided to move here to be near!) moved to other cities in rapid succession & i had a tough adjustment. What I did to heal was to take some time where I was very intentionally kind of scaling back my social life because I recognized that the irrational hurt that resulted from those departures made it so that I wasn’t in a healthy headspace (thinking a lot of thoughts like companionship is pointless, friendships are born to die, my life will be a long and pointless cycle of making friends -> they abandon me for a partner -> make new friends -> they abandon me for a partner). I had the wherewithal to recognize those thoughts as reactionary, and pretty far removed from the truth, but I was still having them all the time. But I gave myself a purposeful fallow period and I think it REALLY helped. I know that’s not your situation but it’s helpful to explain my experience. (And also just to say, see if you can recognize thought patterns and doubts you have around new friendships as fallacious or insecure if you think they are! Challenge them in your head, and correct them.)

Then, in the fall, I found myself opening up again. Because of my little break (I spent a LOT of time with my very close friend, which maybe wasn’t the most ideal for either of us— but we weathered it) I had the clarity to observe what worked for me and what didn’t, and set challenges for myself. I’m a pretty shy person, and the really fucking annoying truth I’ve come to realize over and over again is that in order to have a rich and thriving social life, I must grit my teeth and fight against those impulses nigh constantly. It is not my nature to cold text an acquaintance who’s on the brink of being a friend to make plans for the first time. That shit is scary to me!!! But I have been fucking forcing myself to make that kind of leap. Basically, the rules I have been trying (and oftentimes failing!) to hold myself to:

1. Almost every other young adult around you is also quietly lonely and hoping for more social connections, especially at that post-college stage. People are thrilled to be reached out to. Remember this first and foremost!! Reassure yourself that no one thinks you’re a freak for being friendly.

2. Text first sometimes (often). You HAVE to do this— if everyone sat around and waited to be enveloped into friendships, no one would have any friends at all. Think about how touched you are when someone makes the first move to you— asks for your number, uses it, suggests a hangout. It’s scary and it sucks but then it’s sooo worth it.

3. This one’s controversial…but I have a policy of “yes”. I do not say no to an invitation. And I do not allow myself to cancel unless I’m ACTUALLY ill. No “self care” excuse. No “I’m tired/depressed/long day at work” excuse. The ONLY exception is if I have a rigid commitment already (or if I’m vomiting or have covid which is…infrequent lol). I always go to the scary party, the nerve-wracking dinner at a friend of a friend’s. Sometimes I have a hunch I’ll hate it, and I do. But most of the time I have that hunch I’m proven wrong and very pleasantly surprised at how nice of a time I’ve had. This is how I’ve deepened acquaintance relationships into friendships, because it allowed me to see people a whole bunch of times and get accustomed to them and talk to them little by little and be less scared of them. but it was harrrrrrd, and it took a long time. I’m only now feeling like I’m actually friends with people I met like… 6-10 months ago.

Those are my rules, but basically it boils down to forcing myself out there way more than I’m comfortable with. And honestly, it’s already changing my personality and becoming more easy.

Also re: seeing people again a whole bunch of times. Become a regular somewhere!!! Join a club, my friend is in a writer’s group that has formed some very solid connections, I have friends who meet up all the time in an earth skills sharing capacity. I have a friend in some sort of trans baseball league or something? I’ve seen posts online for like idk a queer craft meetup, a diverse authors book club, affinity hiking groups, etc. A lot of my friends (and sometimes I!) go to a weekly themed night at a dive bar & over time have gotten to know a lot of the other regulars. Is there a bar near you that has a recurrent event that intrigues you? Goth night, dyke night, karaoke? it won’t happen overnight, you gotta go again and again and and again. But find social hobbies, and by seeing people again in the same place, you will first recognize them, then become friendly, then perhaps even become friends.

Now some disclaimers: I’m very lucky to be well positioned as the best friend and roommate of an incredibly outgoing person, who is the type to become a nucleus of any social scene he enters into. People love him, and want him around, and he loves me and wants me around! This makes things much easier for me, and without that connection, I’d be much more isolated! So I guess some advice there is to be on the lookout for the type of person who effortlessly gathers people. Sometimes I think (unfortunately lol) of the biblical phrase “fisher of men”. But it’s quite apt. If you find yourself being fished, go along with it!! Even if you don’t click completely with that gregarious person, the likelihood that you’ll be thrown into orbit with others is high, and you may find people through that. Let them invite you places! Meet their friends!! Friends who have served this role in my life have been absolutely indispensable for me & I try to actively emulate their modi operandi as much as possible

If you have a pretty closed off friend group, you could work on changing that? Another concrete piece of advice (and one that’s brand new to me lol) is to become a host! Have a brunch potluck or throw a birthday at your place. Invite your friends and have them bring along someone you might not know! Invite people you’re friendly acquaintances with. One of the nicest ways to build community is through like casual, open, and recurrent gatherings. Highly, highly recommend low stakes evenings like potlucks & yard fires & movie nights but especially potlucks. Sometimes you gotta be the gatherer if you want it to happen. I’m brewing up a brunch potluck later this month & im forcing myself kicking and screaming to include a few people I don’t know that well, despite the voice in my head that’s like “why would they want to come hang out with YOU…” (see rule one!!!!!). And again, I’m very lucky to live in a very special town with social people all around, but no one is going to come along and create that culture where it doesn’t already exist. Well, they might…but you can either sit around and wait for them to appear OR you can start fostering that community for yourself. I guess the idea is to take the connections you already have and BUILD! :-) I’m happy to hear you have some friends around you already, I’d really encourage you to start holding casual gatherings and make it explicitly clear that you’d love for them to bring people along.

Oh and also, I’ve found that hosting things TOGETHER is a huge help, it’s hard for me sometimes to put myself out there as the person for whom people will be showing up— but I have teamed up with friends to take the scary edge off. Me and my best friend had a combined birthday party last spring despite our birthdays being a month apart. No one cared about that, and we had so much fun with our goofy wacky theme!! And me and my roommates are all hosting a backyard party together at the end of Jan. This is a great arrangement for me as the shy one of the trio lol. So team up, if you and your friend see a tiktok of a theme dinner, or a costume party, or a scavenger hunt you’d like to recreate, toss it out there! Throw the soup party. Throw the dress like your fave character night. Throw the movie night with themed snacks.

My other disclaimer is that I have a healthy and moderate relationship with drinking, and because of that, I can have a glass of wine or something to help me out at a gathering where I feel very scared. They don’t call it liquid courage for nothing. That’s not an advantage everyone has, and I’m not necessarily advocating for it, but boy does it help me feel less like an alien robot when I’m out somewhere. Having a single g&t sometimes makes all the difference between going into the bar where my friend is playing a show and running back to my car and driving home listening to radiohead all alone. Weed has the opposite effect so I avoid it almost entirely lol. Just pay attention to the way substances affect you if they’re rife in your circles. If you’re sober, look for people who do lots of other things other than drinking— easier said than done, I know, but that’s another reason to throw your own little gatherings— they can be dinners or brunches or movies or hikes or museum outings where there’s no need for things you don’t partake in.

Ok the TLDR of all this is a) push yourself by force to put yourself out there. This is unfortunately an iron-clad prerequisite, like it or not (and I don’t like it…). Grab someone’s number, text them first, go to your random nice coworker’s birthday party where you’ll only know the host. throw a potluck so you can gather budding connections together. b) find what you love to do and do it with others, regularly. You don’t even have to like it that much I guess— just find a way to be exposed to the same people again and again and again. c) repeat to yourself over and over and over and over again that people are WAYYYY more receptive than you think they’ll be— they’re fucking lonely! Our way of life is fucking lonely!! And they think WAYYYY more positively about you than you think they do!!! I absolutely promise. I have ABYSMAL social self esteem and am frequently floored by this discovery but it’s very true. But people want me around because I’m funny and smart and kind and unique. And they want you around for all those same reasons, I promise.

And last thing, it takes fucking TIME. it takes forever. It takes practice and discomfort and stomping all over your hard-won instincts and behaving in ways that are terrifying and brand new to you. But keep seeing people, and take the leap of being the initiator, and give it time and effort and you can do it!!!!! Again these are just the things that have worked for me, your mileage may vary! But genuinely best of luck and I would LOVEEEE to hear updates :-)

PS (I hope this (or like any of this answer lmao help) doesn’t sound condescending, it’s not meant to come across that way, I just tend to ramble. And also I tend to forget that other people don’t always have as much trouble with these social skills as I’ve had so if I’m overexplaining that’s why!! Lol) you can rehearse things in your head as much as you want and no one will ever know. I literally have small talk scripts lmaooooooo. I’ve literally used strangers to practice a method of like interviewing people to get to know them where you just continue to ask questions relevant to what they just said. and you could practice saying things like “want to grab some coffee after this?” or like “hey let me make sure I grab your number, here’s my phone!” and no one will ever know you had to practice like you’re in an elementary school play LOL. I’ve learned so many like normal person social skills just by watching gregarious friends talk to people and straight up intentionally emulating them. bc im normal…. And also intentional and borderline saccharine phrasing like saying “I’d love to have you!” Instead of “if you wanna come” or something. Ok actually I’ve rambled on for soooo long now I hope at least a tiny shred of this was helpful :-)

Okay and another quick edit SORRY. CAMPING!!!!!!!!! If you have ANY desire to camp whatsoever DO IT!!!! NOTHING jumpstarts a new friendship like a camping trip, you can like fast forward through literal months of the early stages if you can get your friend to bring a friend etc. and if not, a nice long hike, if that’s something your body’s not gonna scream at you about haha. GO OUTSIDE WITH PEOPLE IM SO DEADLY SERIOUS.

[thekatebridgerton]

Consider a Reincarnated Bridgerton AU? Where only one person from each couple remembers their past life. Each of the Bridgerton siblings remembers but none of their spouses do. In fact, Philip and Marina seemingly are happily married, Michael is a fuck boy that doesn’t believe in love, Penelope is engaged, Simon only sees Daphne as a good friend, the little sister of his mate and ignores her advances as he dreams of finding his true love and soulmate. etc.

We need to talk about this au. So here we go

Simon: good friends with Daphne, actually gets along with her better than any other woman he knows. Because she's so friendly and understanding and knows how men work. He's famously single, so he thinks he should just hire Daphne to work for him. That way he wouldn't be so lonely anymore at the office. He's still looking for the one

Kate: a professional polo player. More concerned about paying her genius sister college tuition than interfering in her love life. Still very much pissed off that some older guy is trying to ruin Edwina's college career by asking her out and making her miss school. Anthony knows who Kate is, but anytime he tries asking her out he's met with an ' I don't date fuckbois ' glare and tells him that what he needs is therapy not a date. Anthony doesn't know how to get within a 5 foot radius without offending her.

Sophie: private nurse and single mom of a beautiful son she adores more than life. Lives a nomad life with her toddler, carefree and happy, moving one place to another, she doesn't mind that she can't remember what the father of her son looked like since it was just a drunken hookup at a costume party. But for some reason, Benedict Bridgerton does mind, too bad he's just a guy who hired her to be his mother's live in nurse, and nothing else.

Penelope: happily engaged to Friedrich Prince, she swears he's the love of her life and acts like the perfect wife already. Studying journalism, she Writes smutty bestselling novels secretly under the name Lady Whistledown and doesn't take it well when Colin discovers her books or when he tries to Kiss her. She begs him not to tell Freddie because she loves him. Colin is arguably devastated

Phillip: seemingly happily married his highschool sweetheart Marina who he met in a counseling group for depression recovery. He's a Pediatrician in the same clinic Eloise works at, Proud father of two, been married for 7 years. Eloise is his and his wife's therapist. And it kills her to hear Phillip and Marina both talk about how they're desperately trying to make things work between them because they don't want the children to suffer.

Michael: womanizer bartender with a rule of one night stands only. Keeps pushing his quiet frequent customer/friend Francesca Bridgerton to hook up with more men and even take his cousin out for a ride. He believes in open relationships and polyamory, has tried every form of sex there is, likes to tease Francesca about having a threesome with him and John. But oh well, he might want to sleep with Francesca, but too bad she's into monogamy and Michael was meant to share his sexy self with the world

Gareth: he's the lead guitarist of a band. And writes love songs about all his exes. Happily dating Felicity Featherington, much to Hyacinth's horror. He thinks Hyacinth is a friend of his Grandma who happens to be a fan of his band. And doesn't pay her much attention until she's offers to help him translate a bunch of papers his Italian grandma left for him in her will

Lucy: professional pianist and wife of old money heir Ricky Haselby. Lucy isn't a family person, She married Haselby for his wealth and he also agrees that modern couples don't need the burden of kids to ruin things. She's a Frequent visitor at Gregory's country club and complains that Gregory is her only real friend in London because Hermione is an idiot.. Lucy also likes to buy him outrageous presents hoping he'll agree to be her suggar baby. But Gregory always declines since he knows the thoughtful and loving person that Lucy is really like, underneath her trophy wife persona.

The reincarnated Bridgertons all have to watch as their seemingly happy significant others push them away. But they still don't give up

And that's my take on this prompt

[koreofitall]

Hi guys, it's been a little while, huh? Just over a month lol. I'm gonna ramble some under the cut. Thank you for holding space for me 🖤

A month doesn't sound that long, but it's felt like an eternity 🫠 anyways.

I had to disappear for a bit for my own sake. Being online was getting very overwhelming for me, even on tumblr (not bc of anything specific here tho). The constant trash state the world is really a killer, and I didn't want to completely burn myself from the internet, so I just decided to take a little break. I struggle a lot with the thought that I'm not thought of or remembered. It's kind of like 'if I disappear, would anyone care' sort of thing, y'know? I'm sorry for not saying anything. I'm working on this kind of stuff everyday.

So. I've been struggling with grief recently, and a lot of it. I had to cut ties with a direct family member not too long ago, and grieving the loss of somebody who's still alive is just as hard as grieving someone who isn't. The more I'd go about my day to day, the more I realized that I never had the relationship I so desperately craved with them, even after working so hard to preserve what I thought was there. It's hard as fuck to come to terms with that. It's come with battling thoughts of worthiness and such as well, but just because I don't have the relationships I crave so badly in my life right now doesn't mean I never will. It's cost me a lot of heartache to be able to say that for myself, but I'm glad I've grown able to do so.

I've also just been grieving the life I'd hoped I'd have by now. One that's full of the most divine love and fulfillment. I'm a music and theatre artist. Went to school for it. Shit, planned to be performing on the biggest of stages by the time I'm the age that I am now. I also hoped to be surrounded by people and relationships FILLED with love. I thought I had that, really. That hasn't happened, though, and it feels very far away. I'm lonely and depressed and truly living my 20s, it seems 😅 (not to mention it costs so damn much just to live 🙃) Everyone is on their own time line, but maaaaaaaan. If feels like such a sucker punch to the gut when I think about how vibrant and excited I was to live my life when I graduated college, and now I'm really just trying to survive day by day. Most of the time, we're not prepared for what life throws at us, and I've learned that the hard way.

This community on tumblr has always been a sort of safe haven for me, from the years I spent lurking, to making my snzblog just a little over a year ago (I think it was literally late july of last year I created it, so yay 🥳) thanks for letting me ramble 🖤 hope you guys are doing okay.

[sphericalbee]

this is long asf and i know it STARTS w me being like 'i should kms' but im gna spoil it for u all and say that's NOT where it goes lmfao im just dumping out all my thoughts

!! very very rambly, not proofread even once, probably makes no sense and is very cheesy

i wrote a fucking novel holy shit LMFAO no hard feelings if u skip

if i can be kinda depressing for a second i think ab killing myself too much for someone who is basically fine (that might be a lie idk i don't feel like thinking ab it more rn) 😭 like the world just has so many issues i dont wna deal with,,, yk? and it would be so much easier to just move on to whatever's next, bc i KNOW ill have a fuckton of debt in college and have to live through miserable relationships and watch the earth fall apart bc our leaders r so incompetent. even now im living through like 5 genocides, insane global warming, a poverty crisis, inflation, and all of this can be boiled down to greed and hatred

also a lot of kids my age are so horrible for no reason and it's sad to think how many people just absolutely suck ass

but at the same time i won't kill myself bc there are people who i wna make sure get through everything alright, and ik i have good things to live through too

so ive compromised and decided i get to shoot myself in the head when im like 60 if i don't have a wife and the world is still a mess 💀 like i don't wna live longer than i'll enjoy it (lets be reallll global warming will kill us all before i have to do anything anyway)

surprisingly, i got a lot better after reading philosophy books? making sense of the world and appreciating the genius of the philosophers, who were ppl just like me, helps

i feel like ive found so many new ways to think ab and experience the world through philosophy. it's a beautiful part of humanity, trying to understand and having genuine fascination about the way things are and what everything means

good music helps too. yerin baek to fall in love with everything and cry over every single feeling you've ever had ever, universe mongae when that's too much and i have to detach

i listen to universe mongae a lot in class bc my classmates fuckingh SUCKK and she sets me apart from my emotions or feeling lonely when im leaving myself out on purpose bc they're not good people

a few days ago, i was listening to yerin baek as i walked back to school from lunch and the world was suddenly so beautiful and i realised how everyone else has a consciousness and worlds just as real as mine and i fell in love with everyone (by everyone i mean like 30 people)

suddenly i couldn't even care how much i missed out on or the people who i wish loved me more because in the grand scheme of things, im allowed to be careless and love without reciprocation and it won't matter because i hold no more worth than a dragonfly... to have zero expectations for what you could and should feel or be and just enjoy yerin's voice in the moment might be one of the happiest moments i've ever had, honestly

yk whats ironic? it was a love song directed as another person that made me realise i could feel love and not care if i was still no one's favorite. life is beautiful anyway because i can love and make it beautiful on my own

not that my state of 'im fine with loving everyone alone' will last very long. i mean,, im just a mammal LMAO i can't deny my own brain chemistry

even just earlier today i finished the math test earlier and accidentally started thinking ab my childhood. idk why it happened but i did

and i remembered how i was so selfish and couldn't let anyone see i was anything less than perfect

there's one memory where i mispronounced a word and a girl corrected me. and i immediately tried to say, "no i know, but my brother says it that way and i do it too on accident". she called me out, obviously, and i rolled my eyes before whispering "it's true though" in the hope that someone would hear and think "oh she actually knew that"

it's sad to think how i used to be. that's from around 7th grade, i think, so i would've been 11 maybe?

up to a few months ago i would randomly remember that and feel insane anger and hatred for my younger self

it seems so foreign to me now and weird that i could hate a child for being brought up with horrible conditions and lacking emotional maturity. i thought that if i could go back in time i would just look at her and feel bad bc i got so much better since then

maybe even love her idk she's not having fun either 💀 do u think she enjoys holding herself to absolute perfection and looking like a dumbass in front of everyone when that's inevitably impossible??

there was another time that made me so sad to think ab

i got dragged along to my brother's friend's birthday party and some kid did smth rude

and i watched as the kid got chewed out by his mom and then went to apologise to the birthday kid

and the birthday kid just said, so seriously, "I accept your apology"

and i remember thinking smth like 'whoa that's cool id be so embarrassed talking like that'

thinking ab that time (i think i was 12ish maybe) is so crazy. like my parents did such a shit job that i thought i had to be SO ALOOF and above it all that accepting an apology was weak and embarrassing?? jesus i cannot wait to move out 💀 ill send them an email when im gone telling them everything they'd send me back to therapy for

ive been reading too much philosophy, and a lot of that revolves around the meaning of life and how to achieve happiness/catharsis. but i think i have my own conclusion of what it means to be happy even without plato haha

ive never been happier than when i began to forgive and understand myself

it feels like i can live as i want and it's not important. one of my favorite quotes is "i could die tonight and hold no more significance than a dragonfly's death". i wouldn't say im a nihilist but i do like the idea that nothing means anything other than the worlds we have in our minds

it's my mission to make those i care about happy and carve out a good future for myself

ive tried to follow a lifestyle of "i work for my future without ruining my present" but ngl i just ended up anorexic literally three times in the past 5 years 💀 idek what i did wrong like DAMN?? chill tf out hggsdhgfsgd i had a panic attack over eating an extra bit of cheese one time

also fuck my parents for giving me no life skills. raising urself is really hard and you end up with so much internalised bullshit

im honestly so proud of myself for turning everything around after 8th grade

i guess i owe a lot to my classmates for not letting me get away w bullshit and caring ab political issues

it's pretty wild that i cry at movies now when last year i was apathetic all the time

i think i like having feelings? pretty undecided still ngl

i think it's a step up

but i can't even talk to my parents ab how they fucked everything up for me and i had to pull myself out pf the absolute trenchessssss or theyll make me do family therapy and ill end up forgiving them which id rather explode than do

anyway ig my point is if you're having trouble with existence or mental health, pls don't give up on yourself. i promise there's people out there who either love you or will in the future and you just need a few quality coping mechanisms to make it through the day

whether that's antidepressants, the powerpuff girls, philosophy (:33 which it should be), yerin baek (which it also should be), or vent art, find ways to make life liveable until you're ok again. bc you always will be in the end

i probably don't know you but i love you because you have a life and a consciousness

please recognise that about everyone

i read somewhere that everything will always be alright in the end and if it's not okay yet, it's not the end either. it sounds dumb and doesn't really make sense (where's the logic lmao site ur sources at least) but it's such a nice sentiment

i think ummm i will go to school and give all my friends a big hug tmrw so pls don't be sad in the meantime

anyway loossemble's new album is good im so happy for them

this is the happiest and healthiest hyeju's ever looked i lowkey wna cry over how well theyre doing ;v;

also highkey want her to put me in a chokehold like GHSFDFJFSDHGJK those ARMSSSSSS MOTHER??

fuck modhaus tho i hope artms r doing well... fucking jaden jeong ugh

[pebblesmustard]

She Says She's Depressed

There's a certain kind of rejecting my mind does whenever I think I might be in the throes of depression.

As if it can't be that, surely not that, because everything is fine. I wake up, do some movements to remind my body to keep itself in check, eat well and drink water, maybe read something for a while, and everything is fine.

But the pit in my stomach, the sudden sinking feeling of my heart stops me in my tracks whenever I recognize it.

It feels like the last time I'd felt this way, which was months ago and since then I've been working on myself in therapy, and I've felt fine.

But then I read about a self-exiled journalist, how at one point of moving across Europe he texted his then partner that he was lonely, so lonely that he didn't even care about a sexual sort of intimacy anymore, he only wanted "somebody to stroke his hair"...and it wrecks me because I understand the feeling.

And then I feel like the most horrid person alive because somehow I make an exiled journalist's hardships about myself and my more than priviliged life in which I actually have never and probably could never feel that kind of loneliness.

So I tell myself, "everything is fine".

Everything is fine because a line in the book I'm reading just made me break out in laughter. Everything is fine because I laughed at a joke I read on the internet. Everything is fine because there are times where I do feel fine.

But then the protagonist of the book I'm reading is talking about traveling to Europe with her friends the summer after her first year in college and I have a pang of longing in my chest. I remember that not only have I never had that experience, but that I probably never will. I don't have many friends, and with the way things are I won't ever be able to travel unless someone very generous and very fictional just hands me a large sum of money.

And then I remember how I feel so far away, so inadequate of being something to people that I'm convinced my presence is merely tolerated--and then I'm slowly isolating myself.

From my family, my friends across all mediums, even from the hobbies that give me such comfort.

I feel terrible for having such a sour expression around my family. Like I can't tolerate them. Even though I love them. It feels like I'm hurting them.

I feel like a shell of a human.

I remember that I haven't been able to write anything "worthy" in a long time, and then I get mad at myself because what the fuck is a "worthy" writing anyway? Isn't the mere fact that it came from something as intangible as the mind and then put on paper, or just even thought of make it something?

Nevertheless, it scares me that I won't be able to write anything of note again whenever I pick up the pen and still end up with a blank page.

It makes me feel like an outsider.

I tell myself that it's fine.

I know it's fine.

But then I take a look at everything. And everything is not fine.

There's a stench, a terrible rottenness, a decay that I feel powerless to stop.

And so that tiny bit of effort to just hold on slowly fades.

And the moment I start thinking about what the point of it all is the chirping of a sparrow brings a smile to my lips that I'm unable to stop.

One step outside, one moment of feeling the wind sweep around me from head to toe, and I feel like letting go. Before anyone can ask me if I'm okay, I let the tears run free and wait for the inevitable numbness that'll set in, its heaviness waited for with a certain excitement.

But I must feel fine because I still make conversations with friends (I try to). I text someone about something that reminded me of them, ask another if she's feeling better after getting bit by a really nasty mosquito while traveling another part of the globe, sending one a picture that I'm sure will make them laugh.

So everything must be fine.

Calling it depression feels like I'm trying to be part of something that I'm not. Like I'm intruding on a group of people in which every single person knows I'm not being authentic.

And I know it doesn't work that way.

Or, rather, I know that the thought process of depression works exactly that way for some. Like we're impostors even in this aspect of life.

As if, if I tell someone that I feel depressed they'll recount that to someone else with "she says she's depressed"--like what I said is an alleged statement.

And maybe it is.

Because I do feel fine.

I do stop to look at the tree I planted whenever I pass by it on my way home.

I laugh at jokes and I dance to the music I listen to.

I get excited for new art to come.

I also cry because I feel like I won't amount to anything in this life.

I cry because I feel lonely, even though loneliness has never scared me until now. Even though I still find some comfort in it.

I cry because I can't attain the life I crave to live.

And then the shame comes that I'm complaining about what is still a good life. These maybe aren't things to even complain about because there are others that have it way worse in life. (I can hear my therapist saying that I'm minimizing my feelings--and I want to say "No, actually, because I feel like the shame thing is pretty big.")

I mean to say that I'm still grateful for this life. I don't want to seem like I'm not. (My therapist is in my head right now, "Those things can coexist; just because you're feeling depressed doesn't make you ungrateful. There isn't a tally kept on people who have 'good' lives but still feel depressed." "You're not an asshole for feeling this way" is what I want her to say, which makes me feel like more of an asshole somehow.)

Anyway.

These words make it feel like I'm not alone in this, and I know I'm not.

Even if it's not fine now, it will be. At some point. Maybe for a minute today, or an hour tomorrow, or not at all for a while.

Because the sparrows will still chirp, the tree I planted will still stand tall, and there will be more pictures that will hopefully make a friend smile.

[mangodestroyer]

For a while, I was kind of envious of my peers. It just feels like everyone else is getting it "figured out" faster than me. They have long term partners they plan on marrying, or have already married. They either already have or are thinking about having kids. They live on their own and started a career. Many of them are also already done with school, or have something they're doing for a living without a need for college.

But... I'm only in my mid-twenties. Seriously. We're all only in our early to mid twenties (like, 22-24). And some of these people have already decided to settle down and have kids???

I mean, it just hit me at work yesterday that there's so much I'm able to do right now because I DON'T have a long term partner or a child to take care of. In fact, I am chronically single. Never been kissed. Had one long distance relationship (with a little bit of in person time) that was toxic and, tbh, didn't even feel legit. And the whole thing left me feeling depressed and bitter because I'd become convinced that maybe I'm just not the kind of person who finds a loving partner.

But honestly? While I was dating, I just remember getting a lot of shit for still going for my bachelor's. Feeling bad that I didn't make a lot of money at my job (so pretty much being limited with what I could do at the time and what I could contribute). Being made to feel like my ambitions in life were "too much" and were just not going to work for the relationship. It felt like the only way I could make things work was if I buckled down, got my education over with ASAP, worked a "real" job and had kids.

And yeah, it just felt like compromise after compromise. And also, finding ways to "mute" who I am as a person to make things easier. It got to the point where even certain hobbies and interests of mine were becoming "too much." Constant arguments too. And being policed on when and how I could talk. I got so sick of it and just left one day.

People have told me that this isn't normal. That if I just found the right person (TM), they would treat me so much better. But... what I went through does actually seem to be very common. I'm well aware that decent people exist. I've had healthy friendships and all. But what if some of us just don't find the right person?

And also, I still don't think that I'm relationship material anyway. I don't really want to "settle down." I think it's cool that I currently have the ability to just work/go to school in another country without feeling like I'm leaving someone else behind, or having to talk about it with them, or having to work on getting them to come with me, or straight up just not being able to do it. And, if I have time off from work and school, way more time for myself and my interests. More freedom to eat whatever the fuck I want. MY OWN BED.

Yeah, maybe living life the "normal" way is a bit overrated. I'll admit, there's probably always going to be a part of me that wishes I had a companion, but not nearly as much as I used to. Other things in life just sound far more appealing at this point. The only down side to this seems to be that everyone else is so preoccupied with their relationship and starting a family that it's kind of left me feeling a bit lonely. I almost have to wonder if I thought a relationship was the only way to deal with this.

[strangefellows]

So, yeah, here’s a bunch of stuff about my FGO Master, Komadori Fujimaru!

I know a lot of people go Full OC with their mastersona, but I really, really like Gudako’s design, so I stick with that but made her my own! Very very much my own.

Featuring her with her best bud Cu and her shiny asshole boyfriend Gil, and her usual mission team. (Yes it’s unbalanced AF no I don’t care about the meta.)

If you can’t read Komadori’s bio, it’s as follows (with her major relationships!); see readmore~

Komadori Fujimaru, age 22 (as of 2015), college grad -- anthropology major -- and part time librarian who rolled on into Chaldea to avoid the crippling existential ennui and depression brought on by losing her brother Ritsuka (yes, ‘Gudao’) when they were kids traumatically and her horrible neglectful parents. Before Chaldea, she was deeply lonely and just going through the motions save for her one true passion -- history/anthropology, which she loved since she was a child; myths and legends and the heroes within had been basically her only friends for most of her life. So, in Chaldea, this is basically her dream come true, she adores it there, it’s the best thing to ever happen to her, she’s genuinely happy and surrounded by friends for the first time since Ricchan died.

She’s an absolute troll chaos gremlin loud sarcastic force of nature, she is, she does not take shit, she isn’t afraid of you, and she will do stupid shit for the lols. Like, all of the troll/silly/jokey dialogue options? Her. She’s just full of life and cheer and joy and love for all of this period, and it means the world to her that she’s not pretending anymore. She is living her best life. She is also a huge, huge nerd, and will make pop culture jokes.

Unfortunately she also has PTSD from losing her brother how she did -- he saved her from a car accident at the cost of his life -- so, she uh. Does not handle heroic sacrifices or similar very well. At all. This proves very fun for her! (Not.)

Being told ‘welcome home’ (okaeri, more or less) means a lot to her too due to her previous loneliness, and it WILL make her cry.

She is -- in universe anyway -- a pro at summoning to abnormal levels, and most Servants she summons remember the Singularities/Lostbelts even when they’re technically not supposed to. No one is sure why, especially since she’s totally average a mage otherwise. She’s just completely a prodigy when i comes to specifically he handling of Heroic Spirits.

( This is because, unbeknownst to her or anyone else because the initial medical exam missed it and then Chaldea blew up so the equipment just wasn’t available for them to figure it out, she’s a homunculus. She and her brother were created by British mages and their cores were attuned to Alaya and Gaia respectively; they were inactive, though, so they were shipped off to a nonmage ally family, the Fujimarus, for observation. But once Ritsuka died, the whole project was axed because what use is one without the other? Her core, however, activated when she hit Chaldea, so she is absolutely just a slowly-awakening conduit for Alaya and the Throne of Heroes. As for Ritsuka...well, his story might not be as over as it seems. He’s a conduit for Gaia, after all. )

As for relationships...

She fell very hard for Roman by the end of the Grand Order, and was thusly devastated at the Temple, especially because she never got to tell him. This ‘Chaldean’ guy in the Lostbelts is both a spot of hope and ENDLESSLY GODDAMN FRUSTRATING, WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU.

She also fell extremely hard for Gilgamesh -- of ALL people, she’s aware her taste is questionable but she’d loved the Epic before Chaldea shut up -- during Babylonia, and she basically spent the whole time sassing/flirting with him. She at first thought he was gorgeous but an insufferable prick, but warmed to him and by the end she had fallen very hard and basically almost cried into the summoning circle after Temple for him to come home. Lucky for her, her very vibrant personality and the way she both respects him and takes ABSOLUTELY NONE of his shit made the affection reciprocal. They’re awful, they sass each other constantly, get a room you losers. She wears his Valentine’s present bracelet all the time.

Her 100% top best friends are Robin, Cu, and Merlin.

Merlin and her are terrible gossipy trolls who sip tea together and talk shit, and bond over missing Roman if/when they get stupid drunk. She adores this absolute shithead wizard man. She WILL roast him constantly, with affection.

Robin she befriended in America and they got a lot closer when he brought him to Babylonia with her; they have a pretty close friendship -- her name, Komadori, means ‘robin’, so she was fond of him as a folk hero before Chaldea, and she was delighted to meet him. They’re bird buddies! Their relationship is basically him going WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS while she does dumb shit, but with fond exasperation. Someone has to carry her out of stupid situations, after all!

Cu was always one of her all time favorite legends, and she summoned him literally right after Singularity F; however, they didn’t bond until America. Because yes, they had the horrible luck of Cu going to America with her. The, uh, repeated slam dunks into Cu’s repressed trauma buttons made Komadori super protective, and at this point they are absolutely ride or die for each other. He’s the first person she goes to if she needs support or to talk or vent.

Drake is...well, they got drunk and probably had sex the first time they met in Okeanos? They’re basically drinking buddy besties with benefits. Komadori absolutely adores the woman, what a great friend.

Komadori ended up with a huge, huge, huge crush on Musashi, and considers her her best girlfriend, and Musashi feels the same, they’re ridiculous chaos gremlin gals, Shimousa was a ride, Vegas was a ride, best galpals ever. Olympus Sucked.

Emiya was one of the other first Servants Komadori called after Fuyuki, and at this point he’s her tired sarcastic protagonist brother-from-another-mother, they’re both full of sass and doneness and snark and Really Exasperated 20-Somethings. They have a bit of a clash over Komadori’s relationship with Gil, given Emiya remembers UBW and is wary of him, but they mostly agree to disagree on that and get on well otherwise.

Mash is Komadori’s baby sister, she imprinted on her as a sort of...”I failed my baby brother but I’ll protect her now” thing. She absolutely would kill and die for Mash, her baby sister. Baby. Protecc. Baby.

Honorable mentions for Servants Komadori’s really close to are: Dantes, Mordred, Ushiwakamaru, Osakabe, Mandricardo, Jeanne Alter, Jinako, Sanson, and obviously Enkidu (they double team Gil it’s hilarious). Moriarty is her Evil Ojiisan and she loves him too.

Oberon-Vortigern is TBA, along with Castoria; I am 90% blind for LB6 so will decide her relationship to them along the way, but tentatively Castoria is Little Sister #2 and ObeVorti is gonna either be a bestie or she’s going to fall hard.

[togekissies]

sometimes i remember when i was barely 18 and living at a college states away from home and incredibly lonely and depressed and unable to go to class or do homework, i went to the nurse on campus to talk about it and even though it was incredibly fucking obvious it was depression the nurse demonstrated how great she was at her job by... telling me to take vitamins. she said “you’d be shocked at how many girls feel much better once they start taking vitamins!” yeah i never spoke to that woman ever again

[bonthefuckjourx]

It's exceptionally lonely being Professor Malfoy (Pt. 2)

Pairing: Professor!Draco Malfoy x Reader

Summary: One night you are club hopping with a few of your college friends and the next day you wake up in the Slytherin dorm rooms. Finally, being in the world of your dreams you decide to take your future into your own hands and befriend Draco Malfoy only to realize he isn't in your year. He isn't even a student.

Word Count: 3,200k+

Warning: 18+, minors dni, slight mention of depression

Universe: AU where it's been 10 years after Voldemort's death and some characters find themselves back at Hogwarts teaching. Reader gets transported into this Universe.

A/N: This story contains smut. If you don't like it, then don't read! I hope you guys love this second installment as I really enjoyed writing this chapter. I'm going to continue this series, but let me know if you have any requests! I might be able to fit it in with the narrative or write a whole other one shot.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Do you believe in fate?” I decided to start our long conversation with this open ended question. I couldn’t just outright say ‘Oh yeah by the way I’m actually from a completely different world, don’t know magic, I’m older than I seem, and I desperately want to be with you.’  He waited a second before answering. 

“I’m not sure I do.” He stared at me waiting for me to elaborate. Excitement roared in me knowing I soon would be able to explain to him my life. 

“By some twist of fate, I was taken here. I’m not from here at all. The first day of classes I just woke up in the Slytherin dorms.” He decided to cut me off before I could explain fully.

“Well most students aren’t from around Hogwarts either, so most of them have to arrive sooner like you did.” I stared at him hoping he wouldn’t be freaked out from what I was about to tell him. Subconsciously I moved in my seat and broke eye contact with him before speaking. 

“You don’t understand, I’m not from this world.” I returned my eye contact to see him visibly confused. 

“I’m not sure I understand. Are you sure you’re okay?” He began to reach out to take my hand, but I pulled my hand away. 

“No you don’t understand, just let me explain-” He moved closer to me, his confusion quickly turning to concern. He probably thought I was losing my mind. 

“Are you sure you didn’t hit your head on anything? No one has hexed-” At this point tears began to well up and with the emotions running high I stood up trying to assert my answer. 

“For fuck’s sake Draco I’m not from this world! I was taken here by someone. The last thing I remembered from my world was clubbing with my friends. The next thing I knew I woke up in the girl’s Slytherin dorm. Believe me I don’t understand it either, but I’ve been here for two weeks alone and unsure of what to do.” I yelled at him exasperated, not sure how to make him believe me. 

“Okay, just sit back down. Calm down and explain this to me fully.” I noticed Draco mumble something under his breath about a silencing charm. Perhaps I was a bit too loud? With his gentle words hanging in the air I breathed a deep breath and sat down next to him once more. 

“So you’re from a different world?” Here comes the interrogation. 

“Yes, I thought I established that.”

“And you were somehow transported here against your will.” 

“Transported yes, but I wouldn’t say it’s against my will. I’ve dreamed of this place for years, dreamed of the people here.” I blushed a little, knowing he was the person I’ve dreamt of. He simply kept his eyes on me, scanning me for what I didn’t know. 

“What do you mean dreamed? How did you know of this world?” He shifted his weight in his seat forward as he leaned on his arms. 

“Well, in my world Hogwarts and everything here is a book series. It follows Harry Potter, surprising right? Because the books did so well, they were turned into movies. That’s where I met you, kinda. I watched you grow up through them. It followed the events up until after Voldemorte was defeated.”

“Wait, I’m in another world too?” 

“Yes, everyone here actually. In my world you are all actors. Your real name is Tom Felton. I’ve never met you in my world with being a celebrity and all. That’s why I’m so very content with being here. I just don’t know the first thing about magic.” He paused to ponder me for a moment, looking me over a few times. 

“How do I know you’re telling the truth?” 

“You could give me Veritaserum I suppose. I would do anything for you.” I shrugged my shoulders hoping he would consider my honesty. 

“Good thing I know right where some are.” Within a second, he cast Accio and a tiny vial appeared in his hand. He pulled off the top and stood up over me tilting my chin up. I swallowed hard trying to control my thoughts but failed. What did it matter anyways? He knew Legilimency. Whether he was using or not I didn’t know. 

“I wasn’t before, but I am now.” Draco mentioned with a smirk before pouring the cold liquid into my mouth. I swallowed the potion and stared at him with shocked eyes. I guessed that he might have been using it, but didn’t expect him to say it outright. Our position made me think about how close I was to his lower body. How easy it would be to show him how much he means to me. 

“Don’t worry there’ll be more time to discuss those thoughts later.” I tried to hide behind my robes a bit, embarrassed that he was listening to my thoughts. The ones about him. 

“Well let's just start with this, what’s my full name?” At this point he picked up his wand that was in its holster on his chest, fidgeting with it between his fingers.  

“Draco Lucius Malfoy. I know more about you than I care to admit. You’re the sole heir to the Malfoy fortune with your parents being Lucius and Narcissa Malfoy. You were sorted into Slytherin and tried to become friends with Harry Potter before he turned you down. You weren’t a great person at school and was forced to take the Dark Mark at only 16, or maybe 17 I’m not sure of that. I also know that you never killed Dumbledore and helped Harry during the battle with Voldemorte. I know you’re a better person than who you portray.” I could tell this moment was affecting Draco, most likely bringing up past memories. It was my turn this time to take his hand as I rubbed circles on it with my thumb. 

“Do you seem to know quite a bit about me, but who are you?” That question hit me hard, I wasn’t sure I even knew. 

“ (Y/n) Teresi. I’m 22 and in the other world I was in college. I loved to sing, dance, and read all the time. This world was my escape and I quickly fell in love with it. I would read about you. About us meeting and what it would be like to be loved by you. I don’t know how much of it is true, but I hope I will know someday.” I looked at him with love in my eyes, hoping he would give my words a chance. He was perplexed, but seemed to soak the information up. 

“Here, I know I’m under Veritaserum, but I have more proof. Let me grab my bag.” I stood up to run quickly and grab my bag by the seat I had taken during class. When I turned around I could see him staring at me waiting for what I had to show him. 

“In my world we heavily relied on technology and everyone had phones. That’s what this is.” I held out my hand with my phone in it. Before long he grabbed it from my hands, twisting it over in his hands examining it. 

“How does it work?”

“Well it’s supposed to be charged with electricity, but I ran out of power. In the other world I would read on it, listen to music, or watch videos. If we can get it running again I have many songs downloaded from my world I could show you.” I smiled at the idea of being about to show Draco a bit of my world someday. He handed it back to me and I reached out with my right arm. My sleeve slid up a bit revealing more of my tattoos on that arm. He stared at the artwork on my skin until he posed a question. 

“Would you be willing to show me your tattoos?” I blushed a bit embarrassed that quite a bit of them were inspired by this world and him. 

“Sure, I’ll have to take my shirt off however they go all the way up my arm.” His eyes darkened at my sentence as he made the first move to push my vest off of me and unbutton my white long sleeved shirt. He gasped almost when it revealed all of the artwork underneath it. His fingers traced the lines as he looked at all of the references to his world. 

“Slytherin, huh? You already knew?” He looked up at me with a smirk on his face.

“Yeah, I suppose I had a feeling, but I would be lying if I said you didn’t influence it.” He continued to wander down my arm and stopped at my hummingbird slightly confused.

“My patronus.” I explained. He kept going down, eventually turning my arm over. I winced as I saw him take in my dark mark. The one I put on my skin against my will. I hoped he wouldn’t take it too harshly. 

“Why would you do this to yourself?” He looked up at me with conflicted emotions in his eyes. 

“It was one of the last tattoos I had done. I had it done in solidarity with you. I empathize so much with who you are. I never had a choice in my life and I felt myself slowly going insane and becoming depressed. I didn’t want you to be alone.” I saw a single tear drip down his face and brushed my hand across his face to wipe it off. I kept my hand on his face and gazed into his bluish green eyes not wanting to look away. 

“You’re beautiful.” He whispered into the little distance between us. I dropped my arm and he grabbed it bringing my mark up to his mouth. He placed little kisses here and there all while staring into my soul. I bit my lip slightly focusing on his mouth on my skin. 

“Don’t do that. Not unless you want me to throw you on my desk and take you right here.” My breath hitched at the idea and I hoped he would stay true to his word. 

“What would you do if I said I’ve waited years hoping I’d hear you say those words, Professor Malfoy?” I bit my lip hoping he would at least continue to touch me. I needed him like a flame needed oxygen. He brought up something deep inside of me. It pulled me towards him, needing to know how his skin felt under mine. 

“I barely even know you and I already know you are going to be the death of me.” With that he released his hold on my arm and picked me up. His hands grabbed my ass as I wrapped my legs around his waist with my arms around his neck. He held me like that for a second staring into my eyes. 

“Ever since I met you all I have wanted to do is to kiss and touch every inch of your body, until you know you are mine. It makes more sense now that you might have been brought here for me. We belong together, even across realities…” His words stuck in my mind, I never wanted anything more. It only felt right in that moment to lean down and touch his lips to mine. I was slightly hesitant, nervous at first, but quickly he took over passionately deepening the kiss. With a groan he pulled away and gently set me on his desk before capturing his lips with mine once more. 

As he kissed me he massaged my breasts through my bra then moving to lift my thigh bringing it up towards the side of his waist. I could feel his hardening member in between my thighs as he ruthlessly pressed his body against mine, almost trying to make up for lost time. I moaned as he ran his hand up my skirt feeling the wetness that was pooling at my warmth. 

“You’re such a good student, already wet for your professor.” He spat after he broke our kissing. I could feel my face flush at his comment knowing he did all of this to me in a mere minute. 

“Yes sir, only for you.” That must have set something off in him as he bit his lip and grabbed his wand that was laying beside me. Quickly he cast a Vanishing Spell effortlessly making my clothes disappear entirely. I let out a small gasp as I felt my clothes disappear and he stared down at me proud of his handiwork. 

In no time Professor Malfoy was one top of me again grabbing my face with his hand as he kissed me deeply. He moved his attention down my neck leaving little bruises everywhere marking me his. His lips brushed my breast and made me arch in anticipation. He laughed lightly at this looking up at me as he cupped my breast in his hand. His tongue found my nipple licking and sucking while his other hand caressed my other breast. He slowly moved from one to the other making sure to leave a few bites and marks along the way. I could feel myself becoming increasingly wet and I ached for him. I began to tug at his shirt hoping he would understand.

“Please, I need to feel you.” I begged him to let me see and touch him as he had done to me. 

“That will come with a price.” He huskily spoke standing up briefly to take off his tie. He slipped it off his neck and gestured for me to lift my head up. I felt the silk tie around my mouth as he secured it in the back. 

“We wouldn’t want anyone to hear you and realize how much of a slut you are for your Professor, we would?” I shook my head as I watched him as he cast a vanishing spell over his own clothes and moaned slightly at the view. His toned body quickly found mine as I wasted no time running my hands up his chest and around his back. Draco found his way back to my warmth and began rubbing my clit as he watched my face for my reaction. As he kept rubbing I felt myself becoming undone below him as my muffled moans filled the room. Before long he moved his fingers down my wetness and slipped two in my vagina. I squirmed as he slowly pulled them out and in again searching for that blissful spot. He kissed my breasts again as he explored. I felt myself tightening on his fingers needing to feel that release. My breath began to become more shallow as he found just the right spot and added another finger. 

“Not so soon, you will come with me.” He slid his fingers out and brought them to his mouth tasting me. He groaned at the messed up sight of me undone before him. His hands grabbed my thighs forcefully positioning himself in between them. 

“Are you sure about this, about us?” He looked at me waiting for any kind of consent. In my head I said all the words I couldn’t and he looked at me with knowing eyes. Knowing that I wanted him just as bad as he wanted me. I would never be able to have enough of him. 

“Fuck, (Y/n).” With that he slowly pushed his dick into my wetness hissing at the feeling. He leaned down over me slowly rubbing my clit as he made a long slow rhythm. I moaned in his ear as he pleasured me the way I always wanted. When I started to push back against him he started to pick up the rhythm groaning at how I felt wrapped around him. My legs found their way around his waist as he found that deep spot inside of me. When he found it, the pace at which he rubbed my clit picked up. I laid my head back against the cold desk and arched against it overcome with pleasure. I began to become tighter once more starting to reach that high. Only this time Draco was right there with me, moaning in my ear with his breathing becoming shallow. All at once he ripped the tie down from my mouth and roughly kissed me as we became closer. It became too much when he started to bite on my lip. I tried to warn him by scratching at  his back, but he only quickened his thrusts moaning into our kiss. 

“After I come in you beautiful, I never want you to leave.” He buried his face into my neck as I bit his shoulder coming around his pulsating shaft. His hot seed filled me up and he slowly thrusted a few more times coming down from his high. He pulled away from my neck, staying in me, and brushed the hair out of my eyes. 

“You’re mine.” Draco kissed me one last time, savoring every moment with me. 

“And I’m yours.” I breathed stunned that I am finally in his arms, as his. 

—----------------------------------------------------------------------------

After we calmed down, Draco Accio’d some clothes for us and helped me dress. 

“Here you can keep it.” I stared at his tie he held in his hands that had been around my mouth minutes prior. It looked similar enough to the Slytherin House ties, but it had a deeper green and more mature feel. I decided here and then that would be my tie of choice and accepted it from his hand. 

“I’ll see more of you I hope, in tutoring lessons.” 

“You’ll help me then. Teach me magic?” I practically jumped at the opportunity to be taught by him and I wasn’t able to contain my excitement. 

“Of course, especially if our lessons end like this.” I blushed at the thought of more times with him and nothing else between us. 

“Everyday after DADA Dueling. We can’t keep holding up my other classes, can we, beautiful?” He held my head in his hands and leaned down for one last kiss.

“Now go on to your next class, you're struggling enough as it is.” He smirked as he slapped my ass, gaining a gasp from me. Grinning, I made my way out of his classroom, locking eyes with him before I disappeared to my next class unsure of how I would ever focus. 

—----------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Your team’s not going to win this time, Draco.” Harry spat at him jokingly just like the old days, ready to start a friendly game of Quidditch as they were in the locker room readying up. 

“You wish.” Draco said to Harry his back facing him as he unbuttoned his dress shirt and slid it off. 

“Damn Draco, didn’t know you had that much fun outside of school.” Immediately the blonde turned to his friend who broke out into laughter. He grabbed his glasses and wiped his eyes from laughing too hard. 

“The fuck are you talking about?” Draco mentioned, confused about what made his friend die from laughter.

“Probably the fact that your back looks like it’s been scratched a thousand times mate. Who’s the freaky girl huh?” Draco turned to Ron, eyes widened at the fact that (Y/n) must have scratched his back a lot as he made her scream. 

“Yeah, Draco, who's the lucky girl?” This time Harry patronized him, wiggling his eyebrows trying to embarrass his friend. 

“My soulmate.” 

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@brezl Here you go!

[farglefarf]

Guys, am i allowed to be depressed and sad on here? What? Oh, this is my house? Cool:

Every day I am plagued with the question of "when will I stop feeling this way?" And that's such a hard question to answer. One day I will probably stop feeling this way, but until then, I have to feel this way every day. I try not to burden my friends with it, but it's always on my mind. Hopefully I am not part of the population that dies alone and unfulfilled. But how am I supposed to know that for sure at this point?

Sometimes it feels like people being in a relationship is fake and forged and just a concept because no one has wanted to act that way to me. Seeing people be a couple is almost like "wait fuck that actually happens in real life?" Type of feeling. Not in the asexual "wait yall are actually fucking on each other?" Joke but like "this could happen to me at any time and it hasn't yet?" Type of way. Cause here's the thing; I want to do the things I see people doing. I want to hold hands and cuddle and talk to someone all the time and have someone who cares about me so unwavering. I want to kiss people and touch people and be touched, but it has been so absent in my life that it is jarring to see it actually happen, I guess. Every couple of months I have a moment where I remember that people actually kiss on each other and that could theoretically happen to me and it's not just a trope used in movies.

It's also hard not to feel this lonely while living in the world. Love is literally everywhere except in my arms and that sucks. I love music, and love is everywhere in music. Down to the love and craft the artists put into their art. It's always being talked about in tv and movies and socially. My friends are in love with people and I get to be around them lots. "Stop looking for love and it will find you" girl stfu if I stop looking for love I am just going to rot away in a cold empty room forever. Not to mention the love that exists within myself. I will not be able to escape the effects of love on the world, so I guess that means it will never find me.

It's also hard to not be lonely when I Live Every Moment with myself. I am intimately aware of how infrequently people touch me. I know all about looking around and wishing someone were here with me. My friends are great but so many of them are dating or married and then I go home and Be Alone. I live in my brain and i am consious for every waking moment. The running tally for people that have flirted with me is like 2 (one of which happened in middle school and I didn't realize he liked me that way till college a decade later 😭). Fun related fact: the only people who have ever asked me out have been drug dealers. What am I doing for that to happen? What about me makes drug dealers the only people willing to ask me out. (It's only happened like twice but still).

I have been working on myself a ton throughout college and I really like who I am starting to become. I almost feel resentful that no one has ever thought I was cool enough to crush on. I try my best to be cool and nice and accepting and loyal and funny and chill and no one wants me as their partner? She has been working so hard for this, you know? It's hard not to let chronic loneliness and touch starvation lead me to be down on myself. I just have to trust that the reason I'm single isn't the way I look or my personality, both of which are really hard to change. I've fought these feelings of "why not me?" Since highschool at least and while they have never gone away (cause I've been single the whole time)I have just had to trust that I'm doing my best to be a good person and the right person will like what I look like

Don't even get me started on the "right person" debate. At this stage in my romantic development (see: none) I am not sure I want my forever person right now. I literally just want to be treated like I'm wanted for more than my friendship. To feel wanted is so undervalued. I know I should logically think about those I have a crush on more, but i don't know what to look for. I've never been in a relationship. I don't know what I do and do not want/like. Literally anything is more than nothing.

I also don't know how to socially initiate a relationship, or even just making out with someone at a party or something. I've never done this before, idk what I'm supposed to do! One day I told that to my friend and then followed it up with the one time I asked a guy out (didn't end well, he told me he liked me back but wasn't looking for a relationship, ghosted me, and got in a relationship with one of my classmates 2 weeks later :/) and her gut response was "I've NEVER asked someone out!"........ bestie I've never been asked out (in a normal way, by non-drug dealers) what am i meant to do? And she was like "oh...😧" yeah girl. Tell me about it.

My own mom has pittied my love life which is totally something i don't think about a lot. One of her friends told me not to get pregnant and I said "a lot of things have to happen before I could get pregnant" and she asked what I meant and I told her I haven't even had my first kiss and her AND MY MOM BOTH "awww 😟" at me???? Yeah that totally makes me feel like a regular person who is living life normally. Thanks guys. One time a guest at my regulars table said "if I were still a virgin I would kill myself" ????? Huh??? 😵 hey guy what do you mean?? Real shooting deflection meme moment:

Like I'm certainly not suicidal about my reality, but I am definitely unfulfilled. Thanks for reminding me, guy.

Maybe one day I'll learn how to flirt and initiate touch but for now I am doomed by the narrative.

That friend who's never asked anyone out before also thinks that my standard for those u have a crush on is not picky enough. Which is fair, it's not. I have crushes on weird little bi men and problematic men who I ultimately would not want to date and women who don't know I exist. I am an enjoyer of the medium ugly. She thinks I have no standards and have too many crushes on people who aren't good for me. Here's the thing tho?: Still single. The bar is on the ground, and still no one wants to cross it. A tragedy.

Last semester I almost found someone but they were moving and being really ghost-y and looking back, it almost feels like they didn't actually like me they just liked the attention. But he was my one and only romantic interaction all of college 🤪🤪 thank you to everyone who told me to "wait until college. You'll find someone in college" and thank you to those who "wait till hoghschool, you're too mature for these guys anyway" too 🥰 could have never done it without you! (And a special secret thank you to all who have started "but surly once you're a professional wrestler"ing me ♡♡)

I downloaded some dating apps at the start of this year, as I promised myself i would a few months ago. I really don't think I will like the expierence of using them, the idea kinda stresses me out. It'll be a learning curve to that I bet. I can't use it yet because this semester I have so much shit to do I am not willing to extra stress myself rn.

If you're reading this and you know me irl thanks I guess. Saves me saying it out loud I guess. I'll be okay. I hope. Just lonely about it all. If you're reading this and you have a crush on me- hello, I can't read people, please tell me.