#and then even in the end despite how sad it is i dont feel empty after finishing it because its good and right how it ended

[poppy-metal]

MARRIAGE COUNSELING W ART PLEASEEEEEEEE GOD THE DEVASTATION THAT TAKES PLACE ON THAT COUCH

i think about it alot. tashi staying with patrick, her injury never happening. your arts college girlfriend and now you're married and it feels fucking stagnant, your relationship. but neither of you wants to give up. neither of you wants to reveal to the other true feelings.

under the cut because this got long and i have a whole au in my hear around this concept

you're only in counseling because of tashi. because shes still in your lives, her and patrick. and she recommended it to art when they were having one of their 'friend' lunches. and now here you are, because of course art took her advice.

he hasn't said anything, though. despite pleading for this. saying he wanted to save your marriage, that he wanted to love you how you should be loved but he didn't know how.

so here you are, on opposite ends of the couch, with the counselor staring at the empty space between you like that in itself is very telling. you suppose it is, in a way. couples who want to stay together should be unified, shouldn't they? you imagine how it would feel, if art had sat next to you. put an arm around you. squeezed you to his side. would you even be able to relax into him? its been so long since you touched eachother that way.

"so im picking up on some distance here," your therapist says. shes a small woman. almost swallowed by her chair. her glasses are perched on her nose as she gazes imperiously at empty space separating you and art. "not just physical either, though thats rather obviously there. but emotional distance. do either of you wanna comment on that?"

you cut a glance at art, expecting him to speak up since this was his idea - well. tashi's. but he just looks down at his lap, quiet. spins his wedding band around his finger.

you feel an anger so intense it pricks your eyes with tears.

"well, i guess you could start with the fact that coming here wasn't even either of our idea. it was his friends."

and now. here art speaks. his head jerks up and she shoots you an annoyed look. "you don't have to say it like that. you always say it like that. her name is tashi and she is my friend. and it was her suggestion, yeah, but it was a good one."

you look at the therapist - janet. raise your eyebrows in arts direction like, get a load of this guy. your legs cross and you start picking at a stray string from the couch.

"first words of the session and its to talk about another woman."

arts inhale is sharp and you can feel his eyes on you but you dont look at him. you can't. you wont. you're right, anyway. he can try to deny it all he wants but you know - you know what you are to him. you know where all your problems stem. you dont need to be here to make any grand discoveries over a fact you've resigned yourself too.

"i see." janet says. "and art having a relationship with this other woman upsets you."

"everything upsets her." art cuts in, sounding tired. his elbow is braced on the arm of the couch and hes chewing on his thumb in one of his nervous gestures. he always did that, as long as you've known him. he was a nail biter, he'd chew his lips raw, he'd nibble on straws, the ends of his pens. he was either lost in thought or agitated. your guess was the latter. "nothing i do makes her happy."

"is this true? are you unhappy with art?"

your skin feels hot. you shift around in your seat. the attention is all on you, and it feels like you've done something wrong, even though you know its literally janets job to ask questions.

"more like i know I'm not what he wants and that makes me...... really fucking sad."

art knees almost knock against yours as he turns his body to face you, giving you his full attention the first time today. you cant meet his eyes still, so you look at the faded spot on his jeans. light blue, like his eyes. you wonder how hes looking at you. cant make yourself look up to see.

"what." he stops. seems to gather some thoughts. tries again, with a steadier tone. "what are you talking about."

you try not to roll your eyes. your arm flings out limply.

"just that this whole thing is a joke, art." and you let out an exasperated laugh, even though nothing is funny. nothing has been funny or light between you two in a long time. "we're only here because the girl you really wanted to marry, told you to get your fucking shit together. you didn't ask us to come here because you wanted to mend something, you're here to please tashi. because if playing a good husband is a role she wants for you - well, you want to play it right, dont you?"

its quiet after that. in the silence you cant help but think about those early days. when you'd been full of love and light and art seemed to be really happy with you. you'd go on dates to the movies, walk through the park together with your hands swinging between you. laugh together and steal kisses whenever you could. you felt high back then.

it didn't even matter that art had a crush on tashi, because hell, you had one too, at the time. but she'd started dating patrick, and they seemed to mesh well together. they were both so intense and passionate. back then, you'd been alot closer to tashi yourself. patrick too. you remember the way she'd rant about how much she fucking hated him, pacing around your room and calling him every name under the sun. and you'd sit there with eager curiosity, and ask her why she didn't end it then. if he makes you so angry, why stay?

and she'd get this faraway look in her eyes. kind of wistful. kind of sad. kind of happy.

"because he makes me feel fucking alive. hes like a - like a drug or something. i cant quit. its addictive, you know?"

that stuck with you. it still sticks with you. you remember being envious of that kind of passion. youe relationship with art had always been so easy. you dont think you'd ever fought by that point. you loved art. you felt safe with art. but were you addicted to him? if you broke up - would you feel withdrawal symptoms?

sometimes you layed awake at night and thought about starting a fight - breaking up for no reason. just to see if he'd fight for you back, if the missing of eachother would be so intense one of you would cave.

but somehow you knew that wouldn't be the case. thats just not how you and art operated. if you got angry, he wouldn't rise to meet you, he'd back down. if you ended things, he wouldn't chase you, he'd let you go.

patrick and tashi were fire and brimstone and you and art was ice and you were....... dirt. solid. walked upon. dependable and not at all exciting.

when art had proposed to you after college graduation it wasn't spur of the moment as it had been with patrick when he'd swept tashi up with a ring and a elopement to vegas. it was talked about and agreed upon and you knew it was coming.

you still said yes.

"you think," and arts voice has a barely concealed tremble to it that makes you look up, finally. you're shocked to see he looks wounded. so many of his expressions you can count on one hand - and this - this wasn't one of them. his eyes are dark, stormy. "you think i dont care about our marriage beyond what someone else has to say about it? you really think that?"

you hate the sliver of guilt you feel, because its not a crazy thing to feel.

"yeah, i really do."

because well, that's the truth of the matter isn't it? you and your husband stare at eachother. and it feels like you're looking at a stranger. not the man who's freckles you used to kiss. who's fears you knew. who's hands you know every callous of, every divot and fingerprint.

"it seems you two have very different views of how the other views this marriage." janet cuts in, sounding curious. she taps her pen against the open notepad on her lap. "art, would you like to chime in on why you wanted to come here? even at the suggestion of someone else?"

art stares at you for a long moment. his face is unreadable to you. his jaw works before his chest expands on an exhale and he looks away.

"i guess i - i just didn't realize how..... stagnant things had gotten until it was pointed out to me. harshly." he winces, and you wonder exactly what tashi had to say to him. you haven't talked to the other woman for some time. contact fizzling out after your marriage to art. he flicks a glance to you, then away again. "im not the best at being aware of shit going on around me." his hand comes up to rub nervously at his neck. "i guess you could say im good at brushing things under the rug. going through the motions. that sort of thing."

janet nods like this makes sense to her. well, great, you think. you know my husband more than i do.

"you're not a fan of confrontation, are you?"

art actually laughs. a genuine one. one that brings a dimple to his cheek and flashes his teeth. you stare at it, like its an exotic animal, and you wont see it again. quickly you catalog the expression in your memory, so you dont forget what he looks like when hes happy.

"yeah, no." he shakes his head. "but I think thats part of the problem. I've obviously let too much shit get put under the rug and now its so full other people are noticing."

you look down at your hands, lips pressed together. your face burns at the knowledge that tashi and by extension - patrick - know your marriage is in shambles. how embarrassing, to be caught lacking in such a momentous way. to come up short and have your husbands friends know about it. you wonder - does he talk about all the ways you make him miserable with them? does patrick shake his head, say, "she's sucking the life out of you, man." does tashi look at him with pity? like hes some poor abused cat that needs to be let in from the rain?

the rain of your marriage.

the rain of you.

you're the storm. you're the problem. you're not enough. art needs fire. you're not even dirt, you're glass. and you can feel yourself breaking.

"that clearly hit a nerve, my dear." janets voice is soft. soothing. she hands you a tissue and you realize you'd begun to cry. "do you want to explain what you're feeling about what art said?"

"i...."

you dab dab dab at your eyes. sniffle. look around the room, trying to collect your thoughts. they feel like flyaway dandelions. you dont know which of them to grasp.

a warm hand settles over yours in your lap and you startle. its arts hand. warm and calloused and tan, covering yours. the gold glint of his wedding ring winks at you, the engraved words etched into them, "my soft epilogue". a shortened version of your favorite qoute i think we deserve a soft epilogue, my love.

at the time, that's what art was to you. your life before him hadn't been easy. being with art had felt like coming home from a long day and falling into a soft bed. it had felt like being able to land after weeks of being made to fly.

you turned your palm up, so he could slide his fingers between yours. he squeezed your hand.

"i think, i. i think i just think - I'm a failure." your bottom lip wobbles. you look at your enterwoven fingers and it makes you so sad that you haven't done the simple gesture of holding your husbands hand in months. "the two most important people in your life are. are so passionate and loud. and i see. i see how happy they make you - and i cant - i cant b-be that for you. we aren't - im not - you dont need me. im not a limb for you how they are. you could extract yourself from me and be. be happier."

your breath shudders out of you.

"you don't need me." you echo.

you wait for him to pull his hand away. this is more than you thought you'd share. some of it you weren't even aware of till the words were spilling from your lips. but they ring true.

without patrick and tashi art would drown. without you..... he'd float just fine.

"and that's important to you." janet says. a statement not a question. "you want to feel needed by art, and you feel as though you aren't. that his needs are met better with his friends than with you."

you nod slowly.

"baby." the word sends a shock through you. not the word itself but how its said. art calls you baby all the time, in a monotonous kind of way. routine. now he says it softly. with feeling. he lets go of your hand in favor of cupping your cheek, still damp with tears, turning your face to his. he looks pained. "of course i need you. i know i haven't been good at showing it. i just - you shut down - after we got married. you've been like a fucking ghost. like you dont want me to touch you. like i could dissappear for all you care and you'd just carry on. i don't know. but i need you, okay? i. need. you."

both hands cup your face, he makes you stare right into him. the conviction in his voice takes your breath away. theres a fire burning there you've thought long put out.

"obviously we have shit to sort out, and we will. but you've got to. you've got to know that. tashi only pushed me to do this because she how - how desperate i was. that's all."

you inhale deeply. exhale. swallow hard. tears cling to your lashes. you reach a hand up to clutch at one of arts wrists. eyes fluttering automatically when you do. you feel grounded again. less like you might float away.

"okay."

"yeah?"

"yeah...." and you smile. it trembles across your lips. but its there. "we'll sort our shit."

art lets out a relieved breath. kisses your forehead, lingering there. the gesture so tender you get emotional again. you want to crawl into his lap, have him wrap you in his arms. you want to feel held by him, like you used to.

"our time is up." janet sets her pen down. smiles. "but i think that was a wonderful first session. i can see the love between you hasn't faded, and that's more i can say for alot of couples who come to see me. keep your chin up."

[ganondoodle]

this isnt as long as before but i just cannot stop thinking about this, why i dislike story and lore boils down to these main point

--the ending feels unsatisfying as hell even if i ignore everything i dont like about how the game treated zelda and ganondorf, the ending itself just feels, despite being presented as super epic an touching, incredibly empty to me and part of it is that it feels like an unearned return to status quo of course i didnt think zelda would stay a dragon and i actually wanted to help her, which is why i kept trying to hunt down impa since she said shes gonna search for a way for us to help zelda, bc i wanted to!! i was eager to help her!

i fully hoped and kinda expected that thered either be some kind of dragon dungeon (think, the water dragon from okami) tho that would be difficult since you can get items from her so i ended up thinking before going into the end thered be a mission with impa (or at least given to you from her) where she found answers in ancient scripts (that she told you she would look through) and that you need to find a special lil thing that will help zelda undragonfy, like some sort of ultra secret forbidden enigma stone able to reverse dragon transformations kinda deal (golden opportunity to make you go and talk to the yiga bc they might know or even own some ancient texts) that youd keep in your inventory until the very end and after you kill dragondorf (pretty mortal for becoming an immortal dragon huh) you take it out and use it, undragonfying zelda and ending in a similar epic falling and paralel to the beginning way

... and instead impa stays in the house and only has a few repeating dialog boxes and does nothing and you cant do anything bc in the end you just get randomly teleported (and stripped of your clothing AGAIN) into some weird ethereal plane somehow?? with the ghost of long ass dead sonia and apparently not as gone as i thought rauru (seriously i felt sad when he went poof at the end of the tutorial but i guess i shouldnt have) awkwardly blasting dragon zelda with some magic tm and its all reversed no problem (heck me for caring i guess) turns out helping her was killing an evil guy we never really knew and mineru just kinda says lol its bc time and light magic i guess lol as an explanation

like i really wanted to go and help zelda! i was motivated to do it and spent HOURS trying to find impa again but i wasnt allowed to do anything bc zelda gets saved by some deus ex machina bs in the end anyway, what a fool i was, of course killing the evil guy is the solution to everything >:( (and no i dont care if its meant as in uwu sonia and rauru wanted to help one last time uwu bc it doesnt change how unsatisfying it was to watch it all just kinda happen)

--point two is just how much totk feels like its trying to REPLACE botw instead of being a sequel, its not building on anything of it its ripping out the fundation and building its own thing in its place, like i was so excited to see what happened to the titans, and all the sheikah tech what they mabe had done in all that time now that theres a tech enthusiastic girl as the head of the monarchy, maybe even find out more about them and instead its just all ... gone with not explanation? theres isnt even a LAME explanation, its just gone?? you never find out what the ancient energy actually was, and why there were concentrations of it in the regions with the ancient furnace (well heck it didnt even have anything to do with ganondorf actualyl bc that would have been too interesting) bc that was so intrigueing?? like yeah where DID it come from and why is it there ?? and oh suddendly hey look theres an even MORE ancient and even MORE advanced civilization thats way COOLER and BETTER than the ancient sheikah now, they also built stuff everywhere and have been here ALL ALONG cant you see its everywhere!! and its the only thing everyone cares about all of the sudden, all evdidence of the ancient sheikah tech was scraped of the earth so there literally only being some guardian parts on top of the hateno lab feels like an oversight now bc everything lese was to thourohgly wiped of the map- for no reason even?? like im totalls fine with it being useless and not working anymore but .... why remove it like it was wiped from history?? and then they have the gall to mention the happenings of botw like, twice in the entire game but still just give you the most basic summary of it mentioned on a sidenote with again not even a hint what happened to all of it

wouldnt there have been the golden opportunity to use it to access the new parts and map points that changed?? like a shrine thats fallen into the underground, an access to caves and the underground in the broken and collapsed elevator tube of a sheikah srhine?? maybe even a broken interior of an old shrine, like the room you get put into with the puzzle and where the monk once were broken and half overgrown in the udnerground? some left over construction site where you can see oh thats how the ancient sheikah got all that tech underground, bc they all had access to it and built it there to then rise up when its needed? maybe even making use of the old sonau sites since they frequnetly built their srhines within those ruins?? that the ancient sheikah found em and put the ruins to use? to research it and built their own stuff from it? it wouldnt have to have any focus, literally just part of the enviroment even

really everything totk does is like -forget botw ever happend, look how much cooler and better i am, who cares about sheikah stuff sonau are the new cool guys that came out of nowhere but now apparently have been everywhere all along actually-

i LOVE botw and with it feeling much more like its attempting to replace botw instead of building its story and world further every reference to botw i found felt like a slap in the face instead, oh look where the shrine of life used to be isnt even a hint left of sheikah tech somehow, and also right under it is the lake of healing filled with sonau structure bc ACTUALLY they were here FIRST bc they are so cool omg you guys

dare i say it feel a little like they wanted to make an entirely different version of botw basically, but wanted to reuse the map and models so they just said yeah uhhhh its totally a sequel yeah yeha that makes sense, its not erasing botw and doing essentiall the same thing again but bigger cooler and better (tm) its just uuh a ...sequel ye.

[mirkwoodiing]

my mom's fangs ; chamber/viper angst headcannons.

so you know how in the val universe there's 2 worlds and the mirror is "evil." well, this is the evil world bc these headcanons are sad and i dont want them to be real and i feel like there's a happier ending somewhere for chamber x viper. which i need to self indulge in as well even if it may be ooc :)

CHAMBER AND VIPER'S CHILD

so chamber and viper had a daughter (because chamber is definately a girl dad)

she was a honeymoon baby, not really planned

chamber named her, her name is emmanuelle fabron and she looks a LOT like viper

viper's hair, build, face, chamber's eyes, and gold body markings

but here's the thing

viper isn't keen on kids (or anyone for that matter)

unfortunately viper doesn't have the heart to abandon her family altogether, but becomes more distant once the child is born

but when that baby is born chamber becomes vincent fabron

LOVES his daughter, she is 1000% a daddy's girl

she has her father's accent

and she loves him but also why is mommy never around?

viper became more consumed with work and there was suddenly a demand for her to go on more missions

so vincent has a lot more time to spend with his little girl

he loves every second, treasures it even, but can't stop thinking about how his wife is becoming a deadbeat mom

he knew she didn't like children but was surprised when she still didn't like her own

but he'd be strong, for emmanuelle

but as she got older she'd be confused as to why mommy and daddy never spoke like they loved each other anymore

eventually viper disappeared altogether, there was a quiet divorce

vincent obviously feels a lot of anger and sadess, but is very good at masking it for his daughter's sake

made a promise to raise his little girl right, unlike his upbringing

but as she starts to grow up and mature...

she looks more and more like her mother every day

which is to say she looks more beautiful every day, but also he gets reminded of his deadbeat wife every day :'(

but the bright side is that him and emmanuelle have a very close bond, inseperable even

when she got a little older and started hanging out with her friends more, his house became slightly more empty more often

probably drinks when he gets in a mood about viper being a deadbeat

but NEVER takes it out on emmanuelle, EVER

takes it out on missions when he fights the mirror agents, channels every ounce of pent up anger on focus for his sniper shots

god forbid there be an enemy viper on that team

anyways

as emmanuelle grows up and starts to figure out who she is

she becomes more interested in her father's weapons and helps him mod them

but she still has her mother in her, and is interested in her as well

on her 16th birthday he worked for months on a custom revolver

despite how much he resents viper, he adds her ability to it anyways because it's for his daughter and she has her mother in her after all

so he came up with a revolver that fires poison darts

"a gift" (cue chamber voiceline)

this is just the start of emmanuelle's bittersweet development

he can't stop seeing viper in her, and lets her know

"you look so much like your mother, amour." (in a sweet father-daughter way)

surprisingly, emmanuelle doesn't hate her mom (chamber probably helped teach her this, because he didn't want all that family drama)

but she does develop a gloomy personality similar to her mom's

all in all chamber just struggles between his endless love for his daughter because it also reminds him of his ex wife who doesn't even want to be around

but adores her nontheless

emmanuelle is sarcastic as fuck, and chamber bounces off it sometimes

"well, my little viper has her mom's fangs."

"dad.." (facepalm)

...

"it's late." chamber deadpanned, leaning on the doorway to her room, eyeing his daughter trying to heave herself out of her window.

"dad, how did you-?" emmanuelle exclaims, still surprisingly as calm as her father. chamber turns, and in the corner of her room is his ability, trademark, collecting dust where it had been every since she'd been born.

"excusez-moi, i don't think so." emmaunelle gulped. "looking like that. i mean, who raised you? clairement, ce n'était pas moi!" (clearly, it was not me!)

emmanuelle looked at her outfit. a pair of ragged jeans and a long-sleeve turtleneck that actually was nice. she guessed it was the jeans that her father didn't approve of.

"you're right." completely ignoring the problem, she fished around her jewelry box instead. it was full of all kinds- silver, gold, earrings, necklaces. nothing less expected of a fabron.

"i'll give you something better." chamber turned around and went into his room, grabbed something, and returned.

"huh? wasn't that mom's?" it was the daintiest little thing, the single emerald shard on a thin shiny gold chain.

"well, it was your mom's, but i think it looks better on you, darling." chamber helped his daughter put it on.

"thanks dad." emmanuelle said in her usual gloomy tone, but chamber knew she said it from her heart.

"we must keep up appearances." he smiled at her, "just don't be out too late, s'il vous plait." (please.)

"you know i will be, dad."

"okay, you can go. just remember, if anything happens-" chamber started.

"i know, you'll have tour de force ready faster than neon can run. i'm fine." she climbed out the window to meet raze's daughter.

chamber shut the window behind him and sighed. deep down, although he loved his daughter so much, it was so hard to act strong in front of her. it was hard to pretend like viper didn't matter. actually, it was hard to pretend viper didn't exist at all when he looked into an almost replica of her every single day. lighting a cigarette, chamber left his daughter's room and poured himself some wine.

he watched the way the cigarette smoke danced across the illuminated green couch.

fuck.

her.

umm hi so lmk if you think this is too ooc cause this is my first time writing headcanons in a WHILE :)

[snoopyliker]

okay my thoughts on the ending

i dont have any criticisms really or questions i think im gonna watch fhe revelando tomorrow so everything i’ll leave to say after i watched that

i cannot describe how heart wrenching it was to watch liz and thiago go through that. you just cant comprehend how it is for someone to stay waiting for years and just aging. i just feel so heavily for them because i just know that was agonizing and to see how liz acted afterwards broke me. cellbit definitely knew the right way to go with the writing in that combat because i wouldve accepted some gruesome death but it being mentally tortuous and liz losing so much of her life is another level of devastating.

then theres thiago which i already predicted was going to die the second he sacrificed himself with that symbol but the way everything played out was so fucking sad. he waited so many years for them to not be in the blast zone knowing he’d die. being unable to do or say anything to them. fuck. he loved them so much and died saving their lives. till the very end. he loved them so much.

liz lost her best friend. their dynamic was so important to her character and he really was her rock. and seeing liz without a thiago is. man. liz lost so much. they all lost so much. the ending had the perfect atmosphere of: was any of it worth it? did it even matter in the end? so much loss and so much pain. and it only led to so much more and its horrible and i detest the doctors for what they did to these innocent people and they all died not knowing. they had no way to live or understand. they all just died.

btw im crying while typing this lmao the more i think about it the more devastated i get.

all i can think about is when cesar felt like there was no going back when they were first entering that forest because theres no moment quite was accurate as that one. they were never coming back the way they arrived. they lost so much. it pains me to think about all their happy moments as a team when they played never have i ever and that damn cemetery scene. they were still so happy and together despite having lost so many people. they still had each other. and they lost even that by the end. they were never coming back from this. nothing was ever going to be the same again.

i kept thinking about when verissimo says oh youre team hope now right? and they still are but it felt so empty without thiago. i just thought back to his speech to liz when she wanted to shoot the old guy. saying hope was all they had. and now hes gone

liz’s attitude and fury towards verissimo in the end was just a direct parallel of the last mission when she had lost alex and daniel but now she lost thiago and she lost everyone she had from that mission and now its only her and she lost part of herself as well.

in the end it just felt like loss. only loss. and i know thats intention and fucking good writing but wow. theres no satisfaction in anything that happened.

i want so badly for them to be together again and happy and laughing and they just supported each other so well throughout the mission.

their first group hug and their last

in conclusion um. yeah o segredo na floresta is not for the weak. i honestly considered quitting at two points in my watching of it. its so incredibly sad. props to the players for roleplaying so damn hard and making me fall so in love with their characters and friendship that i wanted so badly for all of them to make it out okay even though i knew they wouldnt. props to cellbit for writing such a great story and building this world. props to the entire ordem team cause holy shit they are the backbone of all of this.

10/10 would rewatch and cry again.

[visionthefox]

I been re watching some old eps of some AU type of characters in the show.. like we know of Evil God Lunar.. and he had a servant Eclipse.. and.. amma be honest- I used to like the idea that Sun and Eclipse would kinda of be enemies to lovers. I KNOW Eclipse did bad things to Sun.. October wasnt a month Sun likes to remember.. but but but but! hear me out! a braver Sun meets a Broken Eclipse? Whaaat iffff whaaat iff! Sun insist in going to many universes alone, because he is just tired that people call him a cry baby and just tired that Moon is the one risking his ass alone.. (he has solar with him too but we know he may also do solo missions) so he wanna prove himself! also going in missions alone (after telling Moon! of course!) theeenn an accident , a typo.. Sun ends at God Lunar's place.. and with that.. he meets Eclipse.. Eclipse know's right away Sun will end up as a mosnster or maybe a slave too.. and He really doest want to keep an act for a Sun! no! Eclipse does his best to hide Sun while he puts on a act like He did to greg. distant, cold. uncaring.. unbother.. but Lunar knooows.. he Knows someone is here. yet he play dumb! he makes Eclipse's day a misery as each place Eclipse mentions he needs to go, he will be there.. he will send Eclipse up to open places just to mess with him.. he hears Sun's bells.. and his distant whispers.. but Lunar loves to act up too! Sun is confused! scared! but mostly confused! Eclipse is alive? why he helps him?! when the two get a moment, and Eclipse can breathe , he comes clean "Look. I really dont want to deal with you.. I.. really cant stand Lunar winning.. if he finds you, well.. death is not an option here.." he say this last part with.. sadness? and anger.. " just.. make my existence a bit less worse.. leave.. just leave.." Sun can see this one is even more broken.. he is tired.. he saw him be talked down , putting on an act.. and if he knows an Eclipse, he knows he is hating every second of it.. Sun makes it back home.. but.. he cant stop thinking about that Eclipse. how despite his empty threats, he sounded and just looked so tired.. he felt pity for him.. the more he thinks.. the worst he feels.. maybe.. not all Eclipses are bad? maybe some.. are worth saving? maybe he just wanna take care of him to maybe feel better about himself? is this a fic idea? and AU? :D

[fyodorsmistress]

anything for you - kinktober fic one

⁎ pairing: omega!fyodor and gn!reader

⁎ content: 18+, minors DNI! includes omegaverse, fingering, fluff

⁎ notes: first fic of kinktober!! for those who dont know yet: i used to be pussydrunkfyodor, but my account was terminated. i am starting over here, and this is the start of my new, revamped kinktober! omega fyodor has become my guilty pleasure, have fun <3 (art by the loml, @nameless-noodles)

♫ now playing: angel baby by troye sivan ♫

You had only gotten up to fetch some water, snacks, and painkillers, which took about five minutes. But those five minutes took about an hour of convincing the poor omega glued to your body that it was necessary, and you would be right back. He whined, repeating over and over how he didn’t understand why you had to leave, despite you rewording it as many ways as you could think of.

I swear I will come right back next to you, baby, I just need to run to the kitchen.

You need food and water to live, Fedya.

I also need food and water to live, darling.

His heat had been quite intense this cycle, meaning that you being out of his eyesight made him feel like the world itself was ending. The only reason he finally released you from his iron grip was because his cramps had reached their worst, and that pain was currently outweighing the emotional distress of you being gone. If only by the tiniest bit.

You asked if he wanted to FaceTime you while you were gone but he just shook his head and whimpered in pain, curling into a fetal position. Squeezing his hands tight and pressed your foreheads together, you swore up and down that you just wanted to take care of him, and you were never going to abandon him. He nodded and sniffed, so you tucked him in tight to his nest, covering him in all his blankets and surrounding him with pillows, before heading off. Running to the kitchen, you grabbed a tote bag and quickly tossed in as many water bottles, random snacks and sandwiches, and medications you could find. But still, when you returned to the bedroom slightly out of breath, you could hear quiet sniffles from the man buried underneath the mountain of blankets. You sighed deeply before shutting the door behind you and making your way over to the nest.

Sitting on the edge of the bed still holding the tote bag, you gently peeled back the covers hiding Fyodor’s face to look at him. Sure enough, his cheeks burned a fiery red as tears flowed from his eyes. You honestly figured this would happen.

“Fedya, baby? I’m right here. Can you sit up for me a little?” you cooed, using your fingers to brush his bangs out of his eyes. He just whined and buried himself even deeper into his nest, making you groan.

“Brat,” you muttered to yourself.

It took some gentle manhandling, but you were eventually able to bring Fyodor up to the surface enough to shove some painkillers and a bottle of water in his hand, watching with your eyebrows raised as he downed the pills.

“Drink at least half of that water,” you instructed, still mindful to keep your voice soft.

He tried to whine, but after telling him you wouldn’t cuddle with him until he drank water and ate a handful of grapes, he choked both down as fast as he could. You laughed as he handed back the half-empty water bottle with a sour look on his face, but held up your end of the deal.

Pulling off your sweatpants before returning to the nest – it got hot as hell underneath there – you climbed back into the little sanctuary with your mate you adored so much. After situating yourself back inside, you turned on your side to look into his sad eyes, offering a small smile.

“Hi,” you whispered.

He met your gaze and you could tell he was starting to cheer up thanks to your return, and you sighed in relief. At least he wasn’t upset for long.

Fyodor didn’t respond, just scooted closer to you, and nuzzled deep into your chest as you wrapped your arms tightly around him. You could feel the tension in his slim body melt away as he sighed, tangling his long legs with yours. For extra comfort, you began running your fingers through his soft, dark hair and pressing light kisses to his forehead. You smiled to yourself as he started to purr quietly. You laid there for a while, grazing your fingertips up and down his back and scratching lightly. He had subconsciously began sucking on your neck near one of your scent glands, and you had to hold back laughs as his teeth tickled your throat. He suddenly pulled his head back so he could look at you.

“What is it, darling?” you asked, brushing his hair out of his face.

You could tell he was about to say something, mouth ajar, but stopped himself with a hmph and averted his eyes.

“Fedya?”

His brought out his arms from where he had had them curled underneath himself so he could snake them under your t-shirt. Skin to skin contact was very important to him in his heats.

“Can you-“ he grumbled, cutting himself off once again. You used your index finger to lift his chin up, forcing him to look at you.

“You know you can ask me anything, love. I will do anything for you.”

“Will y- will you croon for me?” he whispered before burying his face under the covers.

You laughed at the absurdity of the question – the fact that it even needed to be a question.

“Of course I will, you know that. All you have to do is say the words,” you assured him.

Hugging him tight, you allowed for the deep purr-like sound to rise from your chest. You could tell by the slowing of his breathing and the sweetening of his scent that it was calming him down. He found so much comfort in the vibrations but was always embarrassed to ask for it. You felt him start to purr louder in return – one of your favorite noises.

After a bit, his scent began to sweeten a little too much, and your mind began to wander. His pained moans confirmed your suspicions.

“Is everything okay?” you whispered. He groaned even louder.

“I’m…. leaking. A lot,” he replied, voice so small it was barely audible. He untangled his legs from yours so he could squeeze his thighs together.

“May I help?” You always tried to phrase things very gently to Fyodor in this state. If he got too embarrassed, he would stop speaking up at all, and taking care of the omega became next to impossible.

“Would you?”

“You know I always will.”

You gripped his thigh so you could hook it over your hips, allowing you better access, before your hands wandered lower. Being very slow and delicate about it, you made sure to ask is this okay? with every new movement.

Your hand eventually came to his lower back and began massaging the soft fat, making him moan. Gently inserting your fingers into the cleft of his ass, your fingers found his very wet hole. He was not exaggerating when he said it was a lot. The slick dripped out of him steadily, streaming down his thighs and gathering in the cleavage. You teased his hole to see how ready he was, and the way it gaped in response was all you needed to know.

Making sure it was well slicked, you slipped your middle finger into his hole, and the moan he let out was ungodly. You went slow to be able to assess how receptive his body would be; feeling no resistance, you pushed in the digit all the way to your knuckle. Fyodor was already whining and clawing at the skin of your back, and you had barely just begun. You allowed for him to adjust to the foreign presence before slowly starting to pump the finger in and out of him. He threw his head back at the friction he had so desperately been waiting for, and you smiled before pressing kisses to his jaw.

Not long after, you added your ring finger in right beside it, and his hole received it willingly. He whimpered and whined as you thrusted both fingers into him with increasing speed, attempting to angle them right enough to hit his prostate. It didn’t take long – you knew Fedya’s body well at that point. The second you made contact with his prostate his back arched into you and he whined even louder.

“More, please,” he begged.

“Do you think you can take one more?” you asked, continuing to fuck him with your fingers. He nodded ferociously, and you could feel him clench tightly around the digits.

Pushing in your index finger required no effort – you wondered how long he had been this needy before he ever said anything. You got a little rougher with the third finger added, transitioning between scissoring them to stretch him out even more, to pumping them in and out quickly.

He mewed as he attached his mouth to your throat once more, saliva dripping out of his mouth and beginning to soak your t-shirt. You just chuckled to yourself.

Your hand was absolutely drenched with the sweet-smelling slick at that point, and you could feel it beginning to pool underneath him. You briefly thought about how best to break the news that you would need to change the sheets of his nest soon.

You could tell he was reaching his climax as his erection was leaking through his underwear as well, and he tightened the grip of his leg wrapped around you, toes curling in anticipation. You increased your rhythm once again, and he moaned and tried to chase the feeling, desperate to ride your fingers.

“Do you want to come, Fedya?” you whispered in his ear. All he could do was moan in response. You caught his lips with yours, kissing him deeply as you fucked into him.

“I’m gon- I’m gonna-“ he could barely get the words out.

“C’mon, baby, come for me.”

He began rubbing himself against your belly, chasing the friction against his cock he so desperately needed. He kissed you back sloppily, all teeth and tongue as his focus wavered.

Not long after, he arched his back and cried out your name before he released into his boxers, and drenched your hand even more with the sweet substance as slick flowed out of him. You fucked him through the whole thing, only stopping when his body stilled. You slowly pulled out your fingers with a dirty pop, and he whined at the sudden loss of fullness. You couldn’t help but to bring your hand up to your mouth and suck the slick off your fingers. It was your favorite taste.

“Is that better, Fedya?” you cooed. “…Fedya?”

You pulled back a little to search his face, and sure enough, he had passed out, slumped against your chest. You just laughed and hugged him closer – he had been so agitated lately; he needed the sleep. Hoping to lull him into a very restful and long sleep you started to croon, and he snuggled impossibly closer to you. You smiled and peppered his slack face with kisses as you situated the messed-up covers and plushies around Fyodor, burying him deep in his nest just the way he liked it. You honestly could not love your omega any more than you already did.

[odysseys-blood]

ive been having fun looking through the cards on the intimacy page and seeing what all i can understand/intepret from them and i just wanna ramble a bit about each so thats going under the cut (currently i have owyn, delos, xiel, mishe and heigl so just them until i get the others. also a little bit spoilery ofc)

no particular order so starting w/ mishe

his has the most obvious pieces i think. cityscape with a clock tower when he was raised in one after being taken in by his grandfather. books on shelves surrounding him because thats how he preferred to live etc etc. i think the stars in the inner circle could represent the sky that he loved to watch at the top of the tower during the evenings dotted with stars with everything still and calm. * i think what im most interested in is the outer ring (w/ the zodiac symbols) bc it looks a little like a magic circle and might be a nod to where he was originally from also hes got a very calm and neutral pose but i dont think theres much to glean from that

even with how much time has passed and heigl knowing his wife is dead and gone it still looks like hes waiting for her. which is funny considering her name which i have been ao sad about for days. If you didnt know, her name was Laica (which im sure is supposed to be said like laika. yknow the dog that was sent to space on a one way trip) and she left one day (on their anniversary no less) and didnt come home. but hes still there and he looks like hes thinking hard, probably about all the time he missed spending with her in favor of work. theres ofc also the gravestones at the bottom and the candles for a vigil. also did a quick look because i noticed the roses in his hand and scattered around the edges, and 3 (in his hand) can mean "i love you" and 8 (around the borders) can be a symbol of appreciation. also the roses in the border look like theyre on textile and from his backstory laica seemed to enjoy sewing and knitting.

ok from here i have a bit less to say/its a lot less concrete continuing:

owyn's looks the most peaceful to me tbh. out of all of the ones ive seen hes the only one thats smiling and seemingly content. what i will point out though are two things: one being the eagle, which im wondering is just a bird he might know or if its the one that was the messenger between helsinf and whoever it was that was warning him about people pursuing beastmen like owyn, and the other being the flowers in the border. unlike with heigl's theyre kind og hidden behind the border designs which feels to me like it represents his past with experimentation (and from what i can tell it was probably experiments eith the vialis curse). i wonder if he still thinks about it at all

i think the first thing i noticed is just how. empty delos' feels. like its still just as elaborate as the others so i dont mean that it LOOKS empty..but it FEELS like it is. despite how confidently he appears for the most part in the actual story here it looks like hes trying to hide. he doesn't want to be seen and i think its a mix of not wanting to take on his father's duty as the zarketh yet (mix of not feeling worthy of the role as well as feeling that if he takes it then its the same as writing off his father as dead which u see in the current event) plus feeling shame for not being the protector he swore he would be even if nothing that happened to his family is his fault. because at the end of the day he was supposed to be there for them no ifs ands or buts. and while the ocean is an important part of zarcove and a symbol of it i think you could also take it for the feeling of him drowning in his own insecurities and grief and lonliness

i forgot who i saw point it out or if it was on here or twit ill look late but i really didnt notice at first that he isnt smiling. i guess bc it looks so close to his actual sprite and he has a small smile there but it rly is a blink-and-you-miss-it detail i like. honestly to me his feels a bit empty like delos' just instead that "emptiness" is filled w/ a pretty background that screams opulence but like. it means little to him because thats just what he was expected to inherit. honestly while it has a church look to it (which i wouldnt understand much rn how that would fit in anyways i havent unlocked his last room) it does also remind me of a bird cage a little and i wonder if the floating pages have anything to do with all of the books and general entertainment he just couldn't have while growing up

[butterflyeffectiveless]

toffee ramble, sorry

The whole Toffee thing in the show confuses me... because of the narrative and plot and the ending. I'm not against him being a villain who wasn't redeemed, but his role in the show feels like he was a very long-term plot device.

Just hear me out. The Magic High Commission turned out to be "bad" people who have lied and concealed truth to save themselves, causing many lives to be destroyed Because of their actions. I heard that some of them were even partially resposible for the tensions and war between Butterfly Queens and monsters. They basicallly commited big crimes against people, but their actions were addressed in the show and sort of talked about. And they still contributed to plans of the main characters despite everything they'd done.

The key if not Core part of the show is uh... monsters vs Butterfly Queendom, where monsters are the ones who deserve to get what was taken from them, that monsters arent evil, etc. And Toffee is A Monster. The show treating him like a hindrance that needed to be killed, felt off, Even if we take into account that Toffee is a cold murderer who takes his ideas too far. Even if Toffee was this way, he still needed some other treatment in the show, Beause of the Plot of the show (mewmans vs monsters thing) . Maybe Toffee could have worked as a foil or "reverse image" of Globgor, aka a monster who is also oppressed but who makes wrong decisions and turns to a dark path so he must be stopped. But the show didnt treat Toffee that way either: essentially what he was , was just "a random villain who did bad stuff and therefore our princess must kill him".

If the show had made Toffee not a monster but someone else it probably would have been better. But making him a monster and giving him the role of a hindrance or "a character who moves plot forward" feels v out of place.

The show making Toffee a mysterious smart monster who appears in the 1st season, it feels like the creators only intended for him to lure the audience and to keep them hooked for the Other characters to show up. It was as one of the crew members said "Toffee was just a pawn in Eclipsa's plan". Toffee feels like a very long introduction to Eclipsa and not like his own character, judging from the show's perspective. Me thinking about how he was not intended to have deeper character and how he was planned by the creator herself as "a pure evil", led to me thinking that the crew only intended for Toffee to be a plot device for the show's future seasons. I mean...If (hypothetically) I thought my character was just evil, and I had other characters who had a lot more to them, I'd use said evil character as a device for my other characters to proceed further in the story.

(explanation: I DOnt think Toffee is an empty character, I Dont think he is just a device, what i was saying is that he was Intended By The Crew to be one. Im trying to say that I feel kind of sad about that decision).

And I feel like, the problem with Toffee as a Svtfoe show character was probably that he was a Monster. If he was something else. and not a monster, his death would not have caused as much upsetness in fandom as it had. Toffee being a plot device villain while being a monster really undermined the message the show tried to convey.

Or, maybe Tofffe should have been introduced in later seasons. not in the first season. I feel like, had he been introduced in later seasons, he wouldnt have been given role of a plot device, bc there would not be much insentive for the team to do that to him (the plot reached its peak, must work on this character's flaws and motives and write dialogue between him and others, - is what i imagine they'd plan for him)

Also after watching reviews on High Commission I realized something..... characters being stubborn and not wanting to change their views, seemed to be a common trait for many characters in the show. People see Toffee as the type to never change his views and to never change as a person (or monster), but..isnt almost every character in svtfoe that way..? I mean, MHC hasnt changed their views and stayed biased against eclipsa and monsters until the end, even though they are supposedly the good guys. Moon hasnt changed either. Star hasnt changed either but she was never that much biased against monsters in the first place (she did beat them up but she always saw them as "fun rivals" and not as "evil evil must eradicate").

Toffee not getting redemption seems not like a culmination of what he is and what he's done, but more like the show's narrative trait. Because in the show many characters refuse to change their views , why would Toffee be developed as an exception to that rule.

I used to be one of those who didnt want him to get redemption but now that i think about it.. wouldnt it be more fun if many characters in the show changed? And including him too. Yes I know it would be soapy, yes I know it would be sappy, I know it would be annoying. But it would be fun to see how the crew would play around with their feelings and journey toward character development.

[heademptynotasinglethought]

No one I know has seen this movie and It wasn’t as good as I wanted it to be and I’m upset

Has anyone seen that movie Fanfic on netflix? Its a polish movie so it has english dub which is how I watched it. So take this into consideration with my opinion on it. Maybe its exceptional in polish idk.

The writing is so bad but it had so much going for it :(

As the title suggests, there’s a reference to fanfiction, what it can do for its readers and the people who write it. But that’s all. A Reference. Its not really something that we focus on throughout the movie and I actually forgot that this is what the movie was supposed to be about halfway through until they throw it back in there at the end for some reason. 

We’re following our main character, an alternative looking teenager with a cool edgy shag cut that hates their life and their parent and uses their fanfiction writing as a form of escapism. They see themselves as a rockstar, dating the character of their dreams, living a life they could never live. I get it I get it seems cool.

But its weird because, the life that our main character is escaping tbh doesnt seem that bad. I mean sure they are unhappy, don’t get along with their father, but also they basically go to euphoria high school so they get to go to all these cool warehouse raves with their huge group of friends all the time? Thats not so bad. Its truly silly like, our character will be out with their large group of friends to this bonfire that they didnt have to go to if they didnt want to but for some reason they brought their laptop with them to write fanfiction. ( how their laptop battery can survive all this I dont know im jealous)

And they see a therapist who seems to be genuinely interested in helping them deal with their emotions in a way that isnt just yelling at people, but alas the world is against them all the time of course. I think what really makes this character not work for me is that there is no internal dialogue? There is initially, like in the first couple minutes of the movie but then they just decided actually nvm? and from then on I just have to guess the main characters thought process and feelings from some longing stares. 

I kept watching despite how much I didn’t like this main character only because the show is nice to watch tbh its pretty. And then I got even more sad because our character finds out that theyre trans. 

Now i just want to like this movie even more right???? But how they find out theyre trans is truly silly. I’m nonbinary and do consider myself trans, sure I dont know everyones experience... but also has anyone ever just decided to put on a pair of jeans, a t shirt, and a jacket and then decided they got the wrong gender? Because our main character does. Its not like he was in drag or something thats just a comfortable outfit for any gender? Have they never been allowed to wear pants before???? I just dont understand. 

The rest of the movie is not that exciting just kind of finding themselves with a love interest who shows up every now and again and isnt too exciting. This movie feels like something that was made to be a show but some higher up said nah so they smashed in to an hour and a half. Why are the characters so flat. Why is our main character the worst in a way thats not intentional? Why cant they wear pants until they find out theyre a boy? 

Am I a girl when I wear mini skirt and a boy when I wear pants?

Also who is our main characters hair stylist I liked his hair before he cut if off I want that please and thank you.

Anyways head empty.

[motionjames]

Writing this here since it might be (thematic) spoilers, this is just an insane ramble regarding my creative process as I continue working on Sorekara. Anime catholocism that devolves into poetic drivel.

Whenever I start a story, I always decide exactly how it will end: "the two will say goodbye with a kiss. they will never see each other again. and so it goes." That sounds sort of sad but the truth is that I dont understand why people who love each other have to be together forever. I understand why people would want it, but is it always necessary? Isnt it enough to carry the memory...?

For numerous reasons, I've always struggled to experience time in a linear fashion. My affection for some one will be as bright as the day I met them, even if I havent seen them in years. I have difficulty telling when I'm dreaming and when I'm awake at times, and I sleep entire days away and work through the nights. My love and bitterness never fade. Time isnt so much as a consistant flow as it is a sequence of frames I can revisit at any time, tracing the lines and feeling the feelings anew. That's right, life is a sequence of many pictures, physical and real and undying. That's what I think about often.

So when writing stories I think often of goodbyes. They can take the gifts with them and continue to collect the memories. As I continue filling in the picture of Sorekara, the more I see how it's a story of taking and giving and faith and time.

We have a man who has so much love and nowhere to put it. We have a creature that is defined by emptiness. We have a sequence of tragedies that live fresh as the day they were carved and there is no way of reversing them. But there is still a kindness that prevails thanks to the gifts theyve recieved: a matchbox of melodies tucked into the breast pocket; a hand with a heartbeat; a shoulder to lean on; a paper flower; a mural found; a phantom revisited; a promise of something that can never come true. Each gift solidifies that moment in time. The man believes in a false miracle and one day, despite its impossibility, his friend becomes it. The roles reverse. A man who learns how to accept a miracle, and a person who learns how to give.

My sister asked me if there was a common theme in my work ("besides trains!") and I thought about it for a minute. I said, "maybe the message is that God is real but He has abandoned us...but maybe the real God was the people we met along the way?"

It's the same in Prayers: a girl presents an impossible promise and boy who desperately needs it believes her. There's a quote from a later on--

"A lie is a just a promies for the future I wish you could have!"

Does this make sense? I'm going on all over the place now. But to sum it up, my characters are keen to believe the lies others feed them because those lies are wonderful gifts. Everyone is so keen to give something to each other because their stop is coming soon. Everyone believes in angels because the world would be wonderful if they were real-- the kinds with feathers and halos, not the ones that exist within their reality. Even the angels want to believe. So everyone survives through fabricated fantasies. But because of others, a sliver of that fantasy can become real. A paper flower, painted red, held between the fingers. My gift to you. My little bit of godhood.

So time continues, and the two travelers say goodbye with a kiss. They will never see each other again. But the memory can be revisited, and in that immortal frame-- in the space eliminated-- time stops-- the image is burned into the mind-- the two powerless souls created a miracle-- in the image, there was something higher than God. It was something only a human can make.

The moment passes. But it never really dies.

"My little bit of godhood. That's my gift to you."

[magicaii]

Can I ask your top 10 fav characters ever from any media? Why love them?

i thought long and hard about this, cause honestly, i dont really have a list of favorite characters. but this is me trying to compile a list of characters that have really stuck with me anyway. also, 1-5 and 6-10 on this list are pretty interchangable. this ended up being so long that i need to make a part two so uh SORRY anon its always why my response took forever

near, nate river (death note) i LOVE near. i love the hidden complexities to his character. near is collected and rarely shows outward emotion, but the hint that he's secretely very sensitive leads to interesting implications. it almost feels like the identity of L has saved him from having to attempt to live a normal life, serving as both a blessing and a curse. because who is near, without the intelligence and duty? what is the difference between the things we care about and the things we are good that, the things that are serviceable to others? near, unfortunately, is doomed to be stuck doing something he doesn't particularly seem attached to for the rest of his life. he's the only one of death note's main cast to survive, and i think a certain sadness comes with that fate. a certain emptiness, and lack of direction. his character is a great example of how being smart can contribute to your detriment and isolation, rather than bringing you fulfillment.

obito uchiha (naruto) obito is interesting because when he continously failed to salvage the only things he cared about, it broke him, and he rejected reality completely. i love stories about pure hearted, optimistic people becoming the opposite of what they sought out to be, and how their greatest strengths are used to turn them against the world. because only people who try harder than anyone else to be good are able to understand how ultimately futile their efforts are. obito did not become evil over a single girl. he became disillusioned with shinobi society and its disregard for lives, and no longer wanted to exist in a world that allowed such cruel things to happent. what else is there to be done when you are too weak and powerless to protect your allies, and the world doesn’t seem to care? you become stronger. you fight against the entire world. you do what ever it takes, because that's how deeply you care. and yes, he is an irredeemable person. and fun fact, i loved him for years before even watching naruto (not sure how that works but ok 12 year old me)

zero (drakengard 3) i'm so excited i get to talk about her!! zero is evil. she has no regard for human life, kills as she pleases for a meager amount of supplies, and wholeheartedly believes than no one will look out for you but yourself. so why on earth does she care so much about saving the world, which has only ever wronged her? zero has a skewed view of the universe, and the idea of give and take. she belives only in repaying the fair due already taken from her. this is why she kills, and this is why she accepts the partnership with michael, as a mutual means to an end. the five intoners, as far as zero's concerned, are entirely her responsibility, so it becomes her life's mission to kill them. however, watching her slowly grow to begrudgingly care for mikhail, despite everything she has ever known, is a beautiful representation of human nature. our desire for connection and ability to love others often wins out in the end, because that is what humanizes us. even someone who has grown callous and desensitized is inevitably drawn to genuine, unadultered love and affection.

noctis lucis caelum (final fantasy 15) the appeal of noctis is how he's this socially awkward prince who is really seeing the world for the first time. however, it becomes very apparent that noctis is way in over his head. he has never taken his role as the future king of lucis very seriously, and when shit hits the fan, he's suddenly overwhelmed. he's supposed to be a leader, but he's been used to relying on servants and shields his whole life. this is when noctis is made to properly examine himself. growing up can happen over the course of a lifetime, or it may happen in one, decisive moment. noctis's actions in the end are reckless, self-sacrificing, and desperate, not necessarily the mark of a good king, but of someone who would do anything to protect his people, regardless. i think most of us, deep down, only hope to experience the simple joys of life, and noctis was only really able to over the course of his road trip before the entire world was thrown into disarray. and as someone who had only just begun to realize how much love he had for the world, he still gave all of himself up just to save it. just... UGH... he deserved to be HAPPY

blue (pokemon special) blue's development throughout the manga is magical. for the first arc or two, she's a simple character, a petty thief who seems mostly concerned with herself. her eventual backstory of being a manipulated orphan does flesh her out and provides reason for her self-centered nature, but the frlg arc is what truly elevated her character. blue’s story is all about feeling bitter about the hand life gave you, and not liking the person it forced you to grow into. how much of the person that someone becomes can be attributed to their free will? all along, she quietly carried regret for how she might've turned out differently. blue just wanted to be a normal girl with a family that loved her, a normal girl who never needed to fight. her eventual emotional breakdown serves to teach her that she has room for weakness too. frlg is all about breaking down her self-perception and realizing that she isn't fundamentally broken, all the while accepting the person she was forced to grow into. (i really need to write my own post about her soon jeez)

[3amandimstillawake]

I'd like to write a sort of love letter to my friends.

It's often so easy to feel like i actually have any weight in anyone's life. but i do. i do, and it shows when one of my friends let me know im the only person she's told her mom about. it shows when she says if her life was a show, I would be one of the favorite characters of the audience. it shows when one of friends say that tiger lilies remind her of me because they look so fierce and bright, just like how I am. it shows when she takes a candid photo of my side profile and flatters the hell out of me saying how pretty and photogenic I am, even tho I've never felt that way, and when she showed me the photo, i believed her, and i saw how i was beautiful in it because it was a photo taken with so much love. it shows when one of my friends say I am made of sunshine. it shows when she says she's blown by admiration for me and says I'm smart, I'm confident, and I'm talented. it shows when she comes back from vacation with gifts for all our friends, and she gets the same white & gold earrings for everyone, but gets a brilliant, glowing navy blue & gold one for me, because she said as soon as she saw those earrings she was reminded of me, that they'd suit no one better than me because they have a color as bold as me. it shows when i spend every class with one of my friends always, always holding hands with her, to the point where some people think its in a romantic way, but I only laugh to myself because of how many people miss the simple and beautiful romance that is present in all friendships. it shows when multiple of my friends would start calling me relentlessly any day I dont go to school because why the hell am i not there? it shows when my friends make a mini vlog for me at school on the day im sick and absent so I can feel what i missed. it shows when any one of my friends randomly text me to tell me something about their lives, to discuss something they are passionate about with me, to ask me for advice or help on anything because they trust me. it shows when they make me feel good about myself, even tho i think i dont deserve to feel so unless i am constantly performing at my best 24/7. it shows when they think of me and include me into important events in their lives even tho they've not known me very long. it shows in so many little ways, and with burdening big feelings of self pity, i happen to so easily forget the accumulation of all these little moments. but they mean so much. even when i feel incredibly out of it, even when i feel lonely and want to be swallowed up by the earth, being around these people reminds me i do belong to a world bigger than the one i created in my head. that i am significant in people's lives, that people love me even though I'm not perfect, and they love me without condition. my heart is so filled with love with these people that i could cry happy tears for once. i love them all in a million little ways, just as they love me in a million more. they want me to be a part of their lives, and many times an important part as well, and as someone who has spent most of her life feeling excluded and detached from everyone, it means a bunch to me. yes, i will still likely feel overcome with a different, strange kind of sadness at almost every turn of my life, but despite that empty feeling, in fact even with the existence of these depressive moments, this goodness exists in the form of all these amazing, beautiful people I've met. and i hope all of them end up living the happiest version of their lives, because it is precisely what they deserve.

Thank you for existing in this time of my life, for giving me rich and lovely experiences that will mark my ending teenage years. you have made many months worth the exhaustion and struggles of living when i get to experience those moments of happiness with you. regardless how often i speak to each of you, regardless of whether or not our paths will keep going in the same direction after we're done with school, I will hold a terrific amount of love in my heart for you.

[button-brr]

hi welcome to garbage planet. can i take your order?

my fated gray lady sent another sad little boy who only likes to fuck when he's high who only vapes stuff he says he's going to get rid of one day. {cotton candy clouds that sweeten the deal a little bit] but mostly they just remind me of him and the nic makes me soooo fucking sick.

no serious plans no genuine love

I see their empty hollow laugh grins. so surprised a prince, handsome as I am, even looks at them. yeah. I love cute boys. I like sweet boys. I like fucking adult children who don't know how to make their beds and they sleep with stuffed animals and throw full blown fuckin tantrums when they run out of weed. but I promised myself I wasn't gonna do it again. so it's over. it has to end. it has to be over. I have to end it.

I'm so fucking sick.

of you. and him. and men like you. men like him. men who think they're more special than anyone else. men who don't ask if I'm doing ok. men who see and coo over me like I'm a child. I'll tolerate it. but I'm not fucking falling for it anymore.

I'm back in the shadowlands, it seems.

those are old tricks to me now. I see through your mask better than you see the placement of mine. and I have nothing to ask of you. keep whatever you want. things are trash are replaceable. disposable. everything is garbage in the end. in this garbage world. here on fucking garbage planet. I just didn't expect such a so much of negativity to come back so quickly. I just wish I could sit and think and be alone all over again. i would. happily.

nobody I need to see. nothing I need to do.

just me and my closet and dark air where I can sob and nobody can see my tears, not even myself. I hate obligation. I take responsibility and I take it seriously but I'm sick of bad dogs. untrained monsters barking their way into my path. I'll step into the weeds if I have to, find a stray hiding too sweet for this world. raise a good fuckin dog from scratch.

I don't need ruined goods.

I don't need a monster. I don't need a rapist beast jerkish ass self hurter that doesn't care about other people's feelings. you wanted to and you did and you want to and you would. human nature is to repeat whatever you can get away with whenever it works. not this fucking time. I'm sick and tired of it. I want good pure love. I'm not sticking around for this fuckin bullshit. that's all it is. two dates and you're fallen for me completely? you think couples counseling is gonna fix this? grow the fuck up. get a job and stop telling your mother everything. maybe then once you can buy your own things and pay your own rent, you'd find someone willing to fuck you good and right despite everything bad you do. I can't keep control of you. I don't want it.

im sorry i left a mark at all.

its not hard to cover up something you dont want people to see. you did it really well the first time. my love bites and bruises never landed so well before, too bad your sorry act crashed and you burned the bridges i was building. good riddance.

you are a fucking albatross. a #curse. a burden. a nothing. a bother. a beast. I've had enough.

[olivieraa]

so tomorrow is like... the 10 year "anniversary" of my final relationship story back on my old blog. maybe I mentally knew? and that's why I was suddenly reminiscing the past couple of months?

cause I truly haven't thought about this in years. it was gone out of my mind and then suddenly I had a craving of some sort, to just re-read a few (I ended up reading way more than I thought)

so they had their babies. and it was a Friday the 13th. we actually loved this decision bc that's what we did on there. we put a lot of thought into every decision we made. but it was the final one. I was very happy that things ended so well and perfect for my boy.

trying to remember me behind the scenes tho? I was either feeling rage or nothing. I think it was closer to nothing. I think I was done by that point, and had already had my sad and rage moments.

bc in the end, I was the one dealing with the true villain irl. and the funniest thing about that is, regardless of context, it was this message in my inbox

this was an odd thing for me to see the day I saw it bc I actually think I saw it a year after it was sent. cause I had that account blocked. and I think when I was erasing porn blogs from my blocked list (for some reason), I obviously unblocked this account and then saw these messages in my inbox, which also included

I guess the funniest thing overall, or maybe the most anger inducing? is this idea that she doesn't see herself as the bad guy, but villains don't know they're villains, do they?

but in the end, its now been 10 years. I've a vague idea of what she's doing with her life currently. but no matter how much she has changed, literally no matter how different a person she is right now, if you don't make up for past mistakes in some way, then you're still the bad guy.

if you dont care about hurting someone you cared about, and years pass and little messages like these are the best you can do, then you're still the bad guy. whether 10 years has passed or not.

she never actually tried to be forgiven bc she didn't actually care who she hurt. and not caring that she hurt the person she claimed was the best thing in her life, is truly despicable.

but y'know, I'd actually forgotten I did this. I forgot that I messaged one or her real life friends to ask them to keep me up to date on her if anything bad happens to her, bc despite my anger, I didn't just stop caring. but its when 2 years passed I think it was, I deleted her friend and wanted nothing to do with her.

the "glad you're still alive" hits different when I look at it now. it sounds... so empty. this was 2 years after we stopped being friends. imagine a message to me now. could it even get emptier than that message? a 10 year check up message? I actually doubt it, that one already sounds heartless.

but here's the thing... I am the most forgiving person. I'm the definition of "I'll forgive but never forget". I've too good of a memory to forget things. if she ever wanted to talk, I'd talk. and prob forgive her despite how much she hurt me.

I actually did it sort of recently. I forgived a guy who had been out of my life for 3 years. he hasn't even been apologetic about it, he's been OVERLY apologetic about it. and I've told him I forgive him. we talk almost every day. I had sleep paralysis the other night and he comforted me. but will I ever forget what he did? no. will we ever be like we were? no. but I forgive him. bc he apologised and meant it. it was heartfelt. that's all I've ever asked for.

but with her? I legitimately dont think she thinks she did anything wrong. I think she's gone on with her life believing there's no loose ends from her past. I think if I died, she'd feel absolutely nothing from it.

and this is regardless of if she agrees with my current political and feminist views. she could be super anti-radfem for all I know, Ive no idea. but that doesnt matter, bc even if all these feminists posts weren't here and she knew none of this about me, I still think she'd feel the exact same.

but anyway, I obviously moved on with my life. again, I think my never-forgets brain just knew that this year was 10 years. cause the craving to go back and re-read was weirdly strong and super random. and she's obviously moved on too. and I hope she's happy. I used to not care if she was happy or not. but now I do. I'm too now old to bother with a 10 year grudge. the situation is "ah well". that's how I see it now. whether she sees this or not, who knows. I never know if she's watching.

my final message before I stop talking about this forever would be:

I'm willing to talk. We shared something for a few years of our lives and tho it may have only meant something to you in the moment, it impacted me for years afterwards until I eventually got over it. The last time I would have thought about it was 4 years later, in 2018. I was with my new best friend, and she was holding me on her lap, and we were drunk, at a college party, and I went into reminiscing mode bc it was Feb 8th. And she comforted me. But that was the last time.

I dont know how different you are now. But I do know, even when we were friends, you were hard to talk to. You "ran away" a lot. I'm a "lets fix the problem" person, you were a "lets just bury the problem" person. Never wanting to see it through to the end. Just, forget about it and move on. I'd only be willing to talk if an actual talk was going to happen, and we got it all out.

But like I said before, I dont think you even know you're the bad one. I dont think you think you need to be forgiven. So its up to you, if you actually acknowledge what you did and want to finally move past it. That or you truly already have, and a talk with me is something you couldnt give a damn about, bc you dont think anything needs to be forgiven and you've changed too much in 10 years to ever bother returning to a problem you dont believe existed.

But yeah, this is the last time I'll talk about it. Its officially 10 years as of tomorrow. Lets see if my my brain remembers the 20th anniversary. Only time will tell.

[asseater3k]

Metal Gear Mania Day:7

Spoilers for MGS3 below the cut

I liked The bullet style from day 5 so were gonna use that this

THE SORROW this was a very cool boss fight. in my instance it was terribly mechanically complex or strictly speaking engaging but i was glued to my seat and the screen for the whole thing I wasn’t aware that there’d be a boss fight like this when i decided to try not to kill anyone, to be honest i just wanted to look cool in front of girls, but when i put two and two together that he shows you and makes you fight everyone he kills I kinda wished id killed some people It’s such a cool idea, I was a little peeved that the cobra unit ghosts showed up because I busted my ass to get all the KOs but they did also all explode after that so fair enough. I do love that even though he has a health bar its empty cause hes a ghost and the framing of this boss fight as snake almost dying is cool and helped by the fact that if you call anyone on codec they give you their game over lines

OCELOT this fucking guy every scene in this game makes you realize that the guy we see in MGS 1&2 was the “normal” well adjusted version of this guy who doesn’t go around sniffing random people and keeps his raging desire for Big Boss somewhat in check him being the final encounter was a nice relax from the actual final boss and I like the scene where they fight in the plane

THE BOSS (FIGHT) this one fuckin hurt, It’s a beautifully designed fight, A final duel in field of white flowers nothing but but stealth and CQC I made this harder on myself by using the sneaking suit cause I wanted that contrast against The Boss’ suit but man If you pay attention Snake gets a little better in each cutscene against the boss and that comes to ahead with you having to counter her moves in the fight finally surpassing your mentor add on the timer which i thought would actually come into play cause a timer didnt pop up on screen when the fight started even when The Boss started counting downs herself i was a bit 50/50 but I did actually run out of time so I learned my lesson. You have to play such a mix of patient and aggressive to get through this one

THE EVA ESCORT SECTION Ive heard a lot of flack directed at the Emma section in the last game and honestly i thought this part was worse it wasn’t anything horrible just a bit slow there was a section at the begg=inning where soldiers kept poring out and she wouldn’t go from an attack state to follow state fast enough in the down time between the soldiers showing up so we kept getting detected and entering alert I was mostly annoyed cause she kept shooting people and I thought the game would count it against me like with snake in MGS2 other than that it was just strategic snack acquisition and on to the heart break.

THE ENDING AND THE BOSS while the ending of MGS2 melted my brain this one just made me sad its a much tighter and more personal narrative than the last game and I think thats a smart call if you do something like MGS2 again you’d have to escalate it which I think would be difficult to do so soon after and without getting too convoluted. Don’t get it wrong there’s still some crossing threads in this specifically with regards to EVA, The Boss , Ocelots allegiances EVA being a Chinese spy Ocelot being a triple agent reporting to krushev over gru and The US over even them and of course The Boss remaining loyal to the US despite Kowing the expanded mission out right required her death and disgrace. I dont have a ton i feel i can say about that without straight up beaming the game into your brain its just so fucking heart breaking man her talking about how the ceaseless churn of war turns soilders into these disposable pieces where their lives a relationships are ripped up by the whims of major leaders and bids for power money etc I have players a bit of peace walker at time of writing and the fact that snake didnt fucking get it and interpreted her dream not as a world with out conflict freeing them from the need to be this group beholdent and loyal to the whims of others over themselves or each other and can live in peace but instead as world simply not beholdent to any conflict while still perpetuating it while remaking loyal to themselves just guts me man

MOVING FOWARD i had a bit of trouble deciding to go onto peace walker or MGS4 I started peace walker but got so nervous that i made the wrong choice taht i actually asked a blog I follow who is way more knowledgeable about this kind of stuff than i am about how I should go (you should follow them by the way their @ is cerastes they make good posts and have very enjoyable streams sometimes) in short he told me that while that while I was not making a mistake as both of these games feed into eachother very well meaning it was ultimately a personal choice that personally he would play 4 first sating that its depiction of war as buisness would resonate with a peace walker play through. So I was going to do that then I waffled some more then I decided that MGS4 status as a conclusion to series at lest at the time would vibe better as the final gaem in the context of this deranged two marathon I’ve done. I’m mostly writing this bit so i dont come across as/ feel like an asshole for asking for advice and kind of disregarding it, and if you read this dreamer I really did appreciate the advice and would have played the order you recommended if I was playing this in a more casual way taking my time through them all etc, any way neurosis aside its on to peace walker yippee!!

[bishiglomper]

That culmination of a nervous breakdown has been trying to trigger. I am strugglin'

Didn't go out for shopping Friday because my battery has gotten shittier and shittier and i was trying to conserve energy. Did go out to lunch with them though. And then we went out of town to do festival things and fireworks. Wore me out a lot worse than i expected because we went back the next day and i was literally dragging ass. I was so slow and lethargic. Didnt feel good enough even to get an iced coffee. Or a snack. On the way home though we had bro's car which had AC and after some iced tea i was a bit revived enough to tolerate some nugs.

But then we got home (between 1-2) and i was out until 9pm (thank god i ate some nugs). Which made me sad because I was trying so hard to make it to my friends debut doing tarot readings at the shop literally 3 houses down and despite me telling them how much we needed to go and rearranging plans to fit... No one woke me up and i forgot. I was just so dead.

I slept most of today. And then i got sensory and mental overload. Just. My face was itchy. My eyes and nose were sore from being rubbed all day. The nephew got home midday and instead of cuddling he needed tickles which i didnt have the energy for, so he tickles me but i fucking HATE being tickled- that in itself is sensory overload. But he was obnoxious and loud about it. By then i was already feeling like i needed to cry.

Slept more. Woke up to help with dinner. Got overwhelmed. The trash is overflowing, i cant take it out, so theres nowhere to add more trash. There was trash on my plant. There were dirty dishes on the little spot by the window the cat likes to watch out of. I try to keep their spaces open. Ive already been fighting shit back from literally blocking their food and water. The house has gotten so bad. And the carpets are so shitty, i cant stand walking on them. They feel gummy. Ew.

And then i was put in charge of baked beans. I have never put those in the oven and sister was already grilling meat which only takes 20 minutes so I had no clear instructions on how to deal with that and that was just another small notch in my overload meter. But at that point i was crying. But I'm a repressed crier so I did not feel any better. D<

I dont know what is up with my body being this empty. Its frustrating and inconvenient and doesnt feel good.

Oh and on top on all the mental and physical overload, i was already 3 days overdue for my migraine shot. Which is always traumatic. So that was a spoon i didnt have.

And then i realized im also overdue for my ozempic. Which isnt even a spoon normally but its just more i had to do

But to add insult to injury im out of pens but I had like 1/8 in my last pen and i thought i had an old lower dose pen I could just use twice. But it was already almost used up so I had to get migraine shot, lantus shot, and TWO ozempic shots, and still only ended up with like. 60% of my dose of that. 😐

I dont even think I did my nighttime pills, I'm just so done.

I need a new fuckin battery 😭