#and then left yall high and dry for 2 weeks

[cccotard]

purple ish saras

[theycallmegothboy]

1-100 >:DDDD REVENGE!!!

FELIXXXXXXXXXXXX >:(( 1. Spotify, SoundCloud, or Pandora?  -spotify  2. is your room messy or clean? -it’s pretty messy i guess  3. what color are your eyes? -blue and grey

4. do you like your name? why? -yeah it’s fine 5. what is your relationship status? -single 6. describe your personality in 3 words or less -certified intrusive thot 7. what color hair do you have? -brown and rn it’s red 8. what kind of car do you drive? color? -i dont have a car 9. where do you shop? -hot topic, goodwill, target 10. how would you describe your style? -comfy emo 11. favorite social media account -of mine, probably discord or youtube 12. what size bed do you have? -twin >:(( 13. any siblings? -i have 1.5 brothers  14. if you can live anywhere in the world where would it be? why? -probably vancouver, idk canada seems lit 15. favorite snapchat filter? -i like the one with devil horns and a tail but its cute 16. favorite makeup brand(s) -i dont wear makeup 17. how many times a week do you shower? -i used to shower every day, but i dont do anything that gets me dirty so like maybe 3 times but if i leave the house then i shower 18. favorite tv show? -stranger things 19. shoe size?  -8 or 9 20. how tall are you? -5′6 with shoes >:(( 21. sandals or sneakers? -sneakers wtf 22. do you go to the gym? -lol no 23. describe your dream date -making some pie or something together and then eating the pie and then sitting on some rooftop looking at stars 24. how much money do you have in your wallet at the moment? -quite a bit actually but i’m saving up for a phone lol so soon it will be like maybe 10 dollars lmao 25. what color socks are you wearing? -not wearing socks but the ones i had earlier were white (ankle length) 26. how many pillows do you sleep with? -just one but it sucks 27. do you have a job? what do you do? -NO BUT IM TRYING TO GET A JOB BUT THE FUCKIN PEOPLE THERE ARE GHOSTING ME AND WONT REPLY TO MY EMAILS SO LIKE SBJHBJS 28. how many friends do you have? -like 4 lmao 29. whats the worst thing you have ever done? -idk nothing super bad but i do a lot of small shit that makes me feel guilty when i realize what i did 30. whats your favorite candle scent? -juniper rosewood 31. 3 favorite boy names -leo, clay, charlie 32. 3 favorite girl names -ivy, uh... idk thats all ive got 33. favorite actor? -no clue 34. favorite actress? -no clue 35. who is your celebrity crush? -not a celeb but i’d smash danny phantom 36. favorite movie? -nightmare before christmas or edward scissorhands 37. do you read a lot? whats your favorite book? -no, but my fav book is probably the prince and the pauper? idk 38. money or brains? -CASH MONEYYYY jk probably brains but if your entire personality is being “smart” like fuck off lmao   39. do you have a nickname? what is it? - a bunch of people call me son (see #49, #100), some call me rat, dumdum, goth boy

40.how many times have you been to the hospital? -just once i think when i was birthed. i also went once with my brother cause he kicked some scissors i left out on the floor and it sliced his toe the fuck open and he needed stitches and i watched him get the stitches and almost passed out :/ 41. top 10 favorite songs -please dont make me do this i dont have it in me 42. do you take any medications daily? -yea i take 20mg of vyvanse but i need to get it raised to 30 cause 20 is Not Enough 43. what is your skin type? (oily, dry, etc) -i got some dry fuckin skin yall dont even know 44. what is your biggest fear?  -it depends. the dark is a pretty constant one though 45. how many kids do you want? -like 2 or 3 eventually 46. whats your go to hair style? -in my face, looking stupid 47. what type of house do you live in? (big, small, etc)  -it’s pretty small 48. who is your role model? -i dont fuckin know lmao  49. what was the last compliment you received? - “i belive in you, my son, you’re an amazing human being“ (same friend mentioned in #100, not actually a parent of mine) 50. what was the last text you sent? -”no it’s a raccoon“ YOU GET NO CONTEXT LMAO 51. how old were you when you found out santa wasn’t real? -i dont think i ever hardcore believed in him, maybe i did though i remember sleeping under the tree one christmas eve waiting for him but i was like “oh yeah that makes sense“ i guess 52. what is your dream car?  -i honestly dont give a shit as long as it actually fucking works 53. opinion on smoking? -cigarettes? fuck no that’s nastyyy. weed? that’s fine i guess but wait till you’re like 18.  54. do you go to college? -no. am sophomore n highschool 55. what is your dream job?  -musician/palentologist 56. would you rather live in rural areas or the suburbs?  -fuck the suburbs lmao, but also im tired of rural, so like.. semi urban?? 57. do you take shampoo and conditioner bottles from hotels?  -no but i take the little soaps >:)) 58. do you have freckles?  -yes 59. do you smile for pictures? -awkwardly, yes 60. how many pictures do you have on your phone?  -dont have a phone but i have like 12 on my computer currently. 4 are of me, the rest are of my cat or random shit 61. have you ever peed in the woods?  -yes 62. do you still watch cartoons?  -cartoons these days kinda suck but like if they were good fuck yeah i would like gravity falls can come hang yknow? 63. do you prefer chicken nuggets from Wendy’s or McDonalds? -i had nuggets from mcdonalds today so i guess them? i dont really care 64. Favorite dipping sauce?  -i got sweet and sour but i dont like it that much. that schezuan sauce was great 65. what do you wear to bed?  -wouldnt you like to know? ;))  66. have you ever won a spelling bee?  -NO ive only been in two. the first one i misspelled the word “turmoil“ cause i had never heard it before and the second one i spelled the word “owed“ as “ode“ cause i was thinking like ode to joy and then i felt like a big Fool afterwards :(( 67. what are your hobbies? -lol what hobbies 68. can you draw?  -i am physically able to draw, but not well, no 69 (haha). do you play an instrument? -yeah i play a few 70. what was the last concert you saw?  -i saw Chicago in either georgia or tennessee i cant remember in like 2016 71. tea or coffee? -hot coffee, iced tea. NOT the other way around. (i love both though) 72. Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts? -starbucks 73. do you want to get married? -sure why not 74. what is your crush’s first and last initial? -dont have a crush 75. are you going to change your last name when you get married?  -idk maybe 76. what color looks best on you?  -i dont know but i wear black a lot and that’s pretty dope 77. do you miss anyone right now? -yeah  78. do you sleep with your door open or closed? -closed 79. do you believe in ghosts? -on the fence. not 100% “oh my god look at these gHoSt oRbS i need to sage my house!!!“ but i accept that there’s some things i wont understand about the world and that i have no answers to. i wouldnt be surprised if there are, and i wouldnt be surprised if there aren’t. 80. what is your biggest pet peeve? -whatever my adhd decides i viscerally hate with a firey passion right at that moment  81. last person you called -my brother (the 1 of the 1.5 from #13 and the one who sliced his toe in #40) 82. favorite ice cream flavor?  -chocolate is dope 83. regular oreos or golden oreos?  -regular double stuff. if you say golden, mint, peppermint, or thin oreos i’m gonna have to euthanize you, i dont make the rules.  84. chocolate or rainbow sprinkles? -rainbow cause it’s prettier  85. what shirt are you wearing?  -queen shirt from hot topic 86. what is your phone background? -i didnt get a phone between question 60 and now but my computer one is some mountains with the moon in the background 87. are you outgoing or shy? -really depends on who i’m around 88. do you like it when people play with your hair? -YES FUCK AAAAAAA (this girl played with my hair literally once in middle school and i was like oh shit and i had a crush on her until the end of middle school true story,,, so ashley if you’re out there-) 89. do you like your neighbors? -to the left they’re fine and their dog is nice but idk what happened to the horses so that’s sus but that’s where our cat came from so they can hang  guess, behind me they’re fine but their boys are loud, to the right they’re fine, and even further to the right are the dope neighbors and waaaaaaaaaay far to the right is a llama and he’s dope as hell 90. do you wash your face? at night? in the morning? -whenever the fuck i remember to/have the energy 91. have you ever been high?  -i dont think so but i wouldnt put it past myself 92. have you ever been drunk?  -not that i can remember, no 93. last thing you ate?  -sloppy joe from a can 94. favorite lyrics right now -”not gonna waste my life, cause i’ve been fucked up“ 95. summer or winter?  -fall. fuck you 96. day or night?  -night but i like it when it’s actually night and it doesnt get dark at like 4 fucking pm cause that makes me depressed 97. dark, milk, or white chocolate? -dark is good, milk is fine, white is only suitable for fancy stripes on chocolate covered strawberries 98. favorite month?  -i vibe with september 99. what is your zodiac sign -sagittarius (was almost a scorpio but i was holding out >:))) 100. who was the last person you cried in front of?  -in person, my mom like 6 months ago, on a discord call, my friend (i love you by the way, you’re the best,,, i dont think he has tumblr but im just putting it out there) like a month or so ago. i hate crying in front of people, i turn into such a hyperventilating snot monster which is not suitable for human gaze and thats the real tea :/

felix this took like 2 hours of my life i will never get back i hate you and i hope you’re happy with what you’ve done <3 <3

also anyone who wants to stalk me, enjoy this information that im handing to you on a silver platter :)) <3

[yeollieayheehoo]

Repair

Authors note: So this is a little different than how I usually write, it’s more dialogue. So yeah. Don’t come for me. 

Summary: There’s never a right time to confess

Pairing: Jongdae x Reader (female)

Genre: fluff

Rating:  PG

Warnings: explicit language, drug mention (ya’ll it’s weed.)

Word Count: 2.5K

OneDae [11:32AM] you ridin’ or you rollin’?

Y/N [11:32AM] im always rollin’ wym

OneDae [11:33AM] are you ridin’ with me or are you drivin you fuckin nerd

Y/N [11:33AM] depends

Y/N [11:33AM] do I get to dj or are you gonna play that dubstep trash you call music?

Y/N [11:51AM] did you die?

OneDae [11:54AM] im looking up a facility to put you in

OneDae [11:54AM] cause you’ve clearly lost your mind

OneDae [11:54AM] out here callin my music trash

Y/N [11:56AM] that’s cause it IS trash

OneDae [11:57AM] yall just have no sense when it comes to music. Yall just don’t have an ear for it

Y/N [11:58AM] I literally own an instrument repair shop

Y/N [11:58AM] fight me you fuck

“I would but my mama told me not to hit girls.”

“That’s because you’d lose. What’d you bring me?” You didn’t look up from your work order as Jongdae walked in, the smell of something toasted wafting from the entrance of your shop, filling the front room.  

“Pizza, extra mushrooms and bacon. Half with pineapple because it’s clearly the superior topping.”

“Why are you always wrong?” You finished filling out the paper, scribbling your signature at the bottom of it before attaching it to the saxophone case on the back counter.

“I’m not wrong. The rest of you are just lacking in intelligence. Why the fuck do you have 15 conga drums around the corner?” Jongdae paused as he walked around the counter, setting the pizza box down in the middle of it as his attention went to the back room where the drums in question sat.

“Blue Meadows High School dropped them off about 10 minutes before you got here and asked to me to repair the heads. Apparently the percussion director tore half of the hides the last time he tried to repair them.”

“Do you need help with them?”

“I might get you to start soaking the heads while I start on this Yanagisawa.” You leaned back in your stool, stretching your arms above your head before reaching for the pizza box, gesturing with your head to the stool beside you, telling Jongdae to sit.

“When do they need them by?” You shrugged, taking a large bite of the slice of pizza in your hand, holding your hand in front of your mouth as you spoke, “they didn’t give a time frame, but I’ll probably have them done by the end of the week”.

“What else do you have?”

“The Yanagisawa is an A-WO1, it’s got a leak and I’m gonna have to replace all of the key pads and see if it’s that, the drums, I have a guy dropping off a guitar at 2, the Davis kid popped the strings on his cello AGAIN, so there’s that too. That’s it for now.”

“Will his parents ever learn that their kid has no idea what he’s doing?”

“Probably not. You know how private school parents are.” Jongdae rolled his eyes, folding a slice of pizza in half before shoving half of it in his mouth. You chuckled as you stood, walking around him to the back, grabbing the roll of paper towels from your work bench, setting them down in front of Jongdae before eating another slice. There was a comfortable silence as you ate, falling into your weekly routine of almost eight years.

2011

“Wizard?”

“I’m in the back!”

“What the actual fuck are you doing?” You looked up from the piano you were working on, grinning from ear to ear as you got up from your seat. “So get this Chan. I’m working on a ukulele right? My front bell rings, so I get up to go see who it is and it’s this like huge, buffy dude, covered in dust and he goes, ‘do you fix instruments?’ and I say yeah, and he goes ‘me and my crew are cleaning out the old church on Dolson road to renovate it and there’s an old piano in there and my guy John lifted the lid and it’s a J&C, whatever that means, but I wanted to see if you wanted it? I don’t know if it’s worth anything but you could probably make a good penny off of it if you can fix it up’. And of course, you know me, I’ll try to fix anything.”

“Trust me, I know.”

“Look that neck was warped and split, I was going to have to make a new one.”

“Finish your story.”

“Oh right. Okay, so I say sure I’ll take a look at it and they’ve already got it loaded up on the back of a truck, so they bring it in and Chanyeol. They just gave me an 1883 J&C Fischers and Sons upright piano. Just gave it to me! They were gonna trash it! So of course I got it loaded on the tilter, and I’m taking out the pins and strings now and hello, who is this?” You pause, just now noticing the unfamiliar face that seems to stick out the side of Chanyeol’s bicep. You grin brightly and offer your hand, pulling it back quickly and wiping it on the leg of your jeans before sticking it back out.

“Hi, I’m Y/N.”

“I’m Jongdae.” He took your hand, smooth against the slightly rough skin of your own, but pleasantly warm as he shook it.

“This is Jongdae, a friend of mine from high school. He just moved to town, I was showing him around, thought we’d swing by and see if you wanted lunch, but it looks like you’re busy.”

“No, I could go for food. Let me wash my hands and get the dust off me.” You disappeared into the bathroom, making quick work of the tasks ahead of you, drying your hands on a paper towel as you walked back out, safety glasses hung on their hook next to the door.

  You can still hear him ask if you were always this eccentric as you climbed out of Chanyeol’s car when they dropped you back off at your shop. There was something in his voice, the way his tenor words dripped off of his tongue, pitch elevated in wonder, the laugh at the end of his question light, airy and full all at the same time.

You saw Jongdae almost daily after that. You took to each other quickly, finding his lean frame filling your doorway so often that you found it necessary to get him his own chair. He stayed late with you a lot of nights while you repaired that piano, watching you, almost mesmerized as your hands seemed to flow like water, gently caressing each string, carefully sizing the pins for the century-old piano. He helped you refurbish the keys, listened avidly as you instructed him how to sand the body, delicate hands cautious to keep the wood carving against the body as you prepared the instrument for staining. The glossy red-brown stain was his idea. The idea to keep it in your shop was his too, and most days you were glad for it. The idea for him to be the first to play it was your own after learning he could play, a way to repay him for spending so many hours working on it.

“So you never answered my question.” Jongdaes voice pulls you from the past, his head tilted as he stands, taking the leftover slices with him to your fridge in the back office. “Honestly, I’m probably not going. I want to get started on these drums, you know how I am. Will you take the goods with you when you go?”

“I’ll stay too.” You can feel your brows furrow as you frown, shaking your head.

“You should go, how are they gonna get their gas if you don’t?”

Jongdae shrugs, “I’ll text Baek to come get it. I’m not going to leave you here to do all of it by yourself when I know I can help.”

“Yeah but you told me yesterday you’ve been stressing about your apartment search. Go, smoke, relax. We’ll go hunting next week.”

“This is how I relax.” Your hands go to your hips and you raise an eyebrow, looking at Jongdae as if he's lost his mind.

“Dae. Me bossing you around is not relaxing.” Jongdae grins, laughing softly.

“Okay maybe not that bit, but watching you work is. Hearing you play is relaxing. I dunno, just being around you is relaxing, whether we’re in the shop or not. You’re my relaxation.”

There’s something heavy in the air between you at his confession. You figured he liked spending time with you from the way he was always with you, whether it was at home or here, but you would never call yourself relaxing. If anything you were exhausting, especially lately.

You didn’t really have the patience to teach, had turned down multiple music majors who had asked to learn under you. It took Jongdae seven years of watching and observing and proving he could repair something with the mentality that what he was fixing was his. Seven years before you finally decided you would give him a shot and you were surprised he was still around. You could be rude, short-tempered and impatient, something you thought he would have learned by now.

“Dae… I think you need your head checked..” Your voice is soft, demeanor vulnerable.

“They can admit us together, yeah? So what do you want me to do?” He’s the same as he’s always been, cheerful and optimistic Jongdae, like what he said didn’t create an earthquake in him also.

“I guess we need to get the old heads soaking so we can pull the rings from them. It’ll take a few hours. Go ahead and grab the basins from the back room and start filling them with warm water, I’ll start pulling the heads off.”

“I can do that while the basins are filling.”

“Okay then. I’ll start on the Davis kids cello, if you need me let me know.”

Jongdae watches you for a moment, the way your body moves into autopilot, years of routines taking over. It’s stupefying. He could spend hours watching you work, but he’s not here to do that today. Right now he’s here to make your life easier, so he goes to work.

He’s finishing taking off the last head when he hears you play. It’s not pretty at first, though it never is but that’s because you choose to tune by ear. The melody is in dissonance at first, low notes clashing with each other for the spotlight.

He puts the last head in the bin to begin soaking and as he stands, the melody begins to form. He's careful to stay quiet as he leans through the window between work rooms. If he’s being honest with himself, he finds you breathtakingly beautiful like this. Your eyes are closed, head tilted to the left as you focus. The bow looks elegant in your hands, fingers moving gracefully across the strings and frets. It’s almost sensual like they were dancing across a lover's body.

“What are you doing? He’s so lost in his thoughts he doesn’t notice you’ve stopped playing and are standing in front of him, leaning against the window pane.

“You’re beautiful when you play.” It’s the only thing that comes to his mind and he finds himself delighted in the blush that colors your cheeks.

“Are you saying I’m ugly the rest of the time?”

“Have you seen yourself when you wake up?” He laughs, quickly stepping back when you try to thump his arm.

“Fucker. All the heads soaking?”

“Yup.”

“Cool we can start on the saxophone. You wanna go ahead and remove the pads? I’ll grab the replacements.”

“Hey Y/N.”

“What’s up, buttercup?”

“I don’t know if there’s really ever a good time to say this-“

“-I swear if you tell me you’re quitting after begging me for years-“

“-I like you. I really like you . I don’t know if you know. I’m hoping you know. I’m hoping you like me the same way. I always have to be around you, I don’t know if you’ve realized that yet. It’s like I can’t breathe if I’m not. At first, it was just because you were so different, you were so weird, it was like the strangest breath of fresh air I’ve ever had. And then I watched you as you fixed the piano in the front room and I realized I’ve never been so in love with something the way you are with your work. You put every part of you into an instrument when you repair it, and it gives you those pieces back when you play. It’s like watching a witch cast a spell if I’m being honest with you. You put your soul into repairing something and when you play, it’s like the melody is the instrument returning your soul back to you. And maybe that makes no sense. Maybe I make no sense. Maybe all of this makes no sense and it all sounds insane and it’s not cute or romantic, but we aren’t romantic people. We try to make it through our days and try to find the meaning of life in the smoke we drown ourselves in. All I know is somewhere between us fixing that piano and now, you put your soul in me to fix me and I can feel you everywhere and I want you to feel me too.”

It’s silent after Jongdae stops speaking. He can’t read your face or body, still leaning against the window frame.

“Start on the pads Dae.” He nods, hand rubbing the back of his neck as he feels the adrenaline from his confession fade. “Yeah, okay.”

“And Dae?” He must walk past you to get to the front workbench where the saxophone sits. Your quick to reach out and grab his hand as he walks by you. You pull him back to you, tracing your finger along the lines of the palm of his hand in yours, trying to remember a time when his hands were smoother

“Yeah?”

You have to lean up slightly to press your lips against his. It’s quick, a confession of your own, more than you could say in words. You grin as you realize for once in his life, Jongdae is speechless and you take charge of the opportunity.

“I feel you too Dae. Don’t wait that long to ask me out on a date. Go start on the pads.” You pat your hand against his cheek and walk to the storage room.

“Wait you can’t just do that and then walk away!”

“I just did fuck head. Saxophone. Go.”

[edo-vivendum]

My Past Two Years 11/2019

I wanna tell yall the briefish version of my past two years. Two years ago, I was doing okay. I proudly identified as 99% recovered from the eating disorder which I'd done IOP treatment for twice. Yet at the same time, I was in a rigid daily routine and maintaining a "healthy" yet artificially low weight (though I didn't realize this). But I was doing way better than I had in high school or in my first two semesters of college. However, I was finding myself fairly frequently overwhelmed with emotional flashbacks, and I decided I was stable enough and ready to finally dig deeper in therapy and delve into my childhood traumas.

I was very wrong. I was far from stable enough to do outpatient trauma work. I managed to fight my eating disorder thoughts and urges through the spring semester, but the signs were there: I was slipping. I was crying most days at lunch. I was lying, arguing over food, skipping meals. Things I'd promised myself I'd never do again. Finals week I told myself I had to follow an old meal plan: I needed energy to perform well in my tests, tests which would replace lower grades from days and weeks during the semester when I just couldn't gather the energy to study. And I did it, I finished the semester with all A's, a feat that was quickly overshadowed by my rapidly disintegrating mental and physical health.

During this period of time, my thoughts were obsessively suicidal, but only when I was eating (adequately). And so I stopped. It seemed safer, a temporary delve into my eating disorder in order to stay alive. Seems fair? I was terrified I'd accidently kill myself. I was so overcome with shame and guilt. I thought I'd be able to just turn my eating disorder off again the moment I was ready. But it didn't work like that.

My mental health was overpowering my sheer will power, and I quickly found myself deeper in my eating disorder than I had been in years. And unlike in high school, my body couldn't take it for months and months on end. I found myself in the ER and was told that I couldn't do IOP anymore, that the lowest level of care that was ethically appropriate when I was a medical risk was PHP, and so I did PHP (a day program). I couldn't think straight, ever. My thoughts were hazy. I couldn't concentrate. It was like being dissociated constantly, except it was there even when I wasn't. And as an all A student, a girl who (at that time) found my confidence only in my intellect, I was terrified. But I was also terrified I'd accidently kill myself if I stopped restricting. But, regardless, I ate my meals in program, arguing and debating over every bite. Then curling up and crying. I stayed alive for the swim team I coach during the summer. I coached in the morning then headed to PHP for the rest of the day. And those kids brought me so much joy. They kept me alive. Them and my guilt. The thought of damaging the lives of everyone around me by ending my own made me so guilty.

Eventually, somehow, I graduated, stepped down to IOP again, and only had groups for a three hours 3 days a week (rather than 6 hrs 6x/week). But then one day they challenged my rigidity. They told me I couldn't bring plain rice with 1 tsp of butter + chik'N (vegan) nuggets + steamed broccoli + a cheese stick. It met my meal plan. Precisely. And they said it was disordered. (it was). They asked me to add ketchup to my nuggets. Something overcame me, and I couldn't do it. I cried so much that night that they pulled me out of the room and had me sit individually with someone. "This is not an IOP response." It wasn't. And suddenly I realized that I had never been recovered, that my rigidity was part of my eating disorder, that I had MILES of work to do, and it was too much. I couldn't do it (at that point in time). I felt so defeated. And I didn't know what to do. And in my defeat, my urges became harder to fight, and my intake once again decreased dangerously.

PHP was suggested again, but I was skeptical. If it didn't work before, why would it work now? My outpatient therapist mentioned to me that residential treatment was only a slightly higher level of care than php. I started looking into options. I felt like a fraud. I wasn't underweight. I wasn't physically at risk to myself (my team and my current self disagree with that). But I didn't think I needed it. But part of me found hope in the idea. What if I could go somewhere and receive ED treatment and trauma treatment at the same time? Somewhere where I'd be safe from myself? In my head, the options seemed to be : (1) die (2) starve myself until I die (3) go to residential treatment, give it my all, and try to recover.

And so I picked option 3. I felt like a fraud, but my insurance covered it. I did my research, and I picked Monte Nido River Towns in New York City suburbs. Within two weeks, I was flying up there. I was terrified, but I was ready to work.

It was harder than I ever imagined. I was so scared. Never before had I lost so much control over my food. I got no say in what was in front of me other than my choice of three food items i could exclude. I picked Brussel sprouts and red meat (and later added raw onions as a third bc the chef overdid it on the onions every time). Monte Nido was stricter than my local program in so many ways, but they were also more supportive. For the first time, I was able to begin to explore my past. I was able to start healing. While there, I realized I was sicker than I could have previously admitted. Most of the clients there were at healthy weights (many of whom has anorexia or atypical Anorexia diagnoses). My bloodwork was a mess. I was having heart palpitations nearly daily. My sodium was low, and my water intake was restricted in order to level my sodium. I realized I'd been overhydrating previously, and it felt like I was withdrawing from a drug. I was always thirsty, overheating, dry throat. It was terrible, but after a few days, I adjusted to drinking only 64 ounces of water a day (I know that's such a normal amount lolll I have no clue how much it was before!!).

My insurance only covered 30 days, and I wasn't ready. I discharged to a PHP in Boston also owned by Monte Nido. I stayed in their supportive housing and did a month and a half of php. It helped. I slowly improved some. I became more stable with meal plan compliance. I started to realize how bad my family was for me. It was only in their absence that I began to flourish. I was preparing my own food outside of program. I did another month and half of IOP in Boston, and then in November, about one year ago, I came home to continue IOP at my local program.

And things became stagnant. I would have a good week and then two bad weeks. Things were stable enough to not need PHP again, but not stable enough to discharge. But I couldn't stay in IOP forever, and after 5 months, they discharged me.

I knew I wasn't ready, but I was determined to try to make it work. I knew I couldn't stay in IOP forever. But I wanted so badly to recover, and I was so scared I'd fall backwards.

So I did pretty well for about a month, then slowly things started slipping. I'm not sure what happened per say. I think I was probably brute forcing it, and I couldn't keep it up. I decided to go back to IOP, not in the full program, just twice a week, sort of a tune up. That was the plan anyways.

I did an assessment on a Monday, started that evening. I was to come back on Thursday. Tuesday, I went to my parents, and for whatever reason, my brother told me that it was my fault that I was bullied.

I spiraled. It triggered shame and guilt. It triggered my own belief that it was my fault. As though all my work had come undone, I was suicidal again.

I tried to hold it together. My therapist talked to me on the phone countless times over that week, but on Saturday afternoon, I asked my boyfriend to take me to the hospital. I didn't feel safe with myself. I was scared to be in the bathroom alone.

The hospital was a horrible experience. It was my second time in a psych hospital, and this time was by far the worst. There were 38 women in a small unit. We spent all our time in a day room that definitely was not designed for 38 people. Most of the people there were detoxing and were sporatic and loud and... Terrifying to me with PTSD from being bullied and verbally abused by peers and teachers. Staff were verbally abusive. Finally, after what felt like a year but was only six days, I left the hospital. My suicidality had been quite literally scared out of me, but my anxiety was 10/10 constantly. I felt unsafe. I was shaking consistently for an entire week. Even now, I start shaking thinking about it.

My therapist suggested residential trauma treatment at a place in Florida called the Refuge. They had an eating disorder program as well, so they would be able to take me (as most places just straight up won't take you if you have an ED but most ED places don't do real trauma work either). Anyways, this place was amazing. I was there for two months, and I grew so much. I was surrounded by support. The ED part of the program was pretty relaxed, which in some ways was good but in other ways let me act out through my eating while doing trauma work. But they kept me contained enough that I was very safe physically. I was so emotionally supported; I don't even have the words for it. My program therapist gave me new understanding of myself. She tested and diagnosed me with Asbergers and taught me that some aspects of my rigidity were likely because of asbergers and not because of my ED —that it was OK if my recovery looked a little different than other people's recovery. I was able to share in groups about my childhood, and I received a ton of validation and support for traumas that I perceived as not worthy of being traumatized by. I was supported and respected and made a ton of progress in respecting and supporting myself.

I discharged back into the shitty ass local iop program. I needed to refocus on the food aspect just a little and get back on track with food. I had a little weight I needed to gain in order to be at my own set point. Blah blah. Etc.

This program has been such a mess. My case manager told me everyone walked on eggshells around me. When I advocated for myself, I was told I was being needy. Then they told me I had to discharge because I was refusing to learn to cope with emotions despite the fact that my outpatient team and I both agree that I'd made huge progress. Before going to the refuge, the experience would have been triggering, but instead it became an opportunity for me to prove to myself just how resilient I have become. I finally discharged IOP last week, and this time, I actually feel ready.

I've been meal plan compliant for months. I've been actively using coping skills and managing situations more effectively than I ever have before. I have made so so so much progress; and I can say, today, I am happy to be alive. I haven't had a suicidal thought since being home from the Refuge. I haven't self-harmed since September. I still have work to do, but I can also accept where I'm at while I'm doing that work. Life is good. I am confident I can keep this up for months, even years.

[suchdan-veryphil]

Two Worlds Collide - Dan Howell Imagine Part 15

Word Count: 1,417

Trigger Warnings: pain, swearing, 

A/N: I have been waiting forever to write this and it took me forever to write this because depression sucks, yall. This is not the end of our story, though! I’m excited to keep writing and even create some new stuff. I know this one is wordy but this is what we’ve been waiting for right???? Anyways, I hope this does Dan and the reader justice. xox

Part 14 

--------------------------------------

“It’s been nine minutes since your last contraction, Y/N. I think it’s time.” Dan said as he began to gather the materials that we planned to bring to the hospital. I shook my head and squeezed my eyes shut as the pain began to subside. 

“No, Dan. I’m not ready yet. Not at all. See? All gone.” I breathed out as I stood up straight again and rubbed the small of my back. 

He hadn’t looked up from the diaper bag as he went over the mental checklist that he’d made all those weeks ago. “I think it’s time to go, sweetie. We don’t want to wait too long and then she’ll come here at home.” 

“People have home births all the time, right?” I half-joked and ran my hands down my stomach as I glanced at Dan. 

“Not funny. Let’s go, Y/N. I really think it’s time.” He looked up to meet my eyes.

“The books say 5-7 minutes. Nine is more than those.” I put a little whine in my voice in an attempt to show Dan that it wasn’t that my body wasn’t ready, but that I wasn’t ready. I had gone an entire pregnancy convinced that my baby wouldn’t make it to term, and here I was, about to give birth absolutely terrified out of my mind. I had spent so long preparing for the worst case scenario in my head that I had failed to prepare the best, most beautifully painful case scenario.

Dan rubbed my stomach as I rested my hands on my back and leaned into them a little. “You’re doing amazing. She’s going to be here and we’re going to have an itty bitty baby girl to hold and to love for the rest of our lives. Isn’t that beautiful?” 

I couldn’t help but smile a little and nod my head. “Yea. I just- I feel like this isn’t real and that if I have her, I’m gonna wake up in my bed all of those months ago and none of this is going to be real. We’ve come so far and I don’t think I’m ready.” 

With a sigh, Dan lifted his hand to rest on my cheek gently. “Unfortunately, love, it doesn’t matter if we’re ready because she’s ready.” He kissed my forehead as I closed my eyes and squeezed my eyes shut. 

I sniffled in an attempt to hold back any tears and fears I had. “You’re right.” I paused.  “Let’s go have a baby,” I said softly and looked down at my stomach, one tear escaping my eye. After taking a moment to take a breath and let everything sink in, I stood and looked at Dan. 

“Let’s go have a baby,” he kissed my forehead, took my hand and picked up the bags that held baby Gwen’s things. I squeezed Dan’s hand out of nothing but pure anxiety. I had no idea how this was going to go and for some reason when I thought about having a baby in my arms, our baby, my heart started to beat three times as fast. 

Once we were at the hospital, the nurses got me into a wheelchair and began to ask me basic questions. I knew they were just trying to keep my mind off of the pain that was coursing through my body, but I was really tired of being asked: “on a scale of 1-10, 10 being the most, how much pain are you in?” The answer was ten. Every time. Ten. I was about to squeeze a watermelon out of my very private area. Dan just held my hand and let me answer the questions. His gestures of affection were cute, but they weren’t taking the pain away. 

“Are you sure you don’t want the epidural?” 

“No, I just want her to be here so I can finally hold her,” I softly said and closed my eyes as my free hand made circles on the surface of my stomach. 

A nurse approached the side of the bed to check my IVs before she smiled at me and Dan. “Hopefully you’re at 10 centimeters, you’ve been waiting a while, mom.” She made her way around the bottom of the bed and helped my legs go up in the stirrups. I looked at Dan who was watching the nurse with such great intensity. 

With her help, I got my legs up on the stirrups and let our nurse examine my dilation. I could only look at the very intricate way that Dan’s jaw clenched as he waited for any word. The nurse soon stood up and walked towards the garbage can to toss the gloves. 

“Well?” Dan asked and glanced at my legs. 

“Get comfy, momma. You’re about to have a baby,” she replied and smiled at me before winking at Dan. I let a deep sigh escape as I pulled my legs back onto the bed and closed my eyes. “I’ll go get the doctor and we’ll be back in a moment.” 

As she left, Dan leaned over and kissed my head. “Are you ready to meet her?” 

I took a deep breath again and stared into the eyes of someone that I never expected to be taking this journey with. The man I spilled my drink on, the man who endured the most traumatic event of my life with. Dan was the man I pushed away and repeatedly gave reason to never speak to me again, and here we were, about to have a baby. Our baby.

I could feel Dan wipe my cheeks as I smiled and nodded my head. “I’m ready for her.” 

The doctor and two nurses came into the hospital room that seemed to continue to shrink with every moment that passed. They spoke amongst themselves and I could feel my hands begin to get clammy as the nurse helped me adjust my posture. Dan just rubbed his thumb along the back of my hand as he stood beside me for support. 

“Alright, momma Howell. Are you ready? On your next contraction, I’m going to need you to push until I tell you that you can relax, okay?” The doctor instructed as she sat between my legs and nodded up at me. 

“Next contraction in 3, 2, push!” the nurse instructed excitedly. 

The only way I can think to describe the next thing I felt was red. I saw red as the pain rushed over me. I cried out and pushed as hard as I could. This could not last another minute. My baby was ready for me, and goodness knew that Dan and I were ready for her. The minutes felt like hours as I pushed and pushed and breathed and breathed. I had directions and encouragement coming at me from all angles. Overwhelming is a nice way of putting how the room felt. 

It was one hundred minutes of pushing my baby girl out, but after those hundred minutes, the room filled with a high pitched cry and my body flooded with relief and love. Dr. Atwood laid her on my chest and that was it. I lost my control and I just started to cry as I held her close to my heart. Guinevere. 

“You did it, love.” Daniel kissed my head and leaned down to look at our beautiful girl in the eyes. “You did it, Gwen!” his eyes teared up. As I watched the interaction take place, my heart swelled and I couldn’t help smiling so widely that my eyes were almost closed. I went to cuddle Gwen closer, but our moment was cut short by the nurse approaching and explaining that they were going to take her and clean her up quickly before returning her to us. I bit my lip and nodded my head as I watched our tiny baby being carried away to be cleaned, weighed and swaddled for us. 

Resting my head back on the pillow, I could feel Dan wiping the sweat off of my forehead before pressing his lips to my temple. “I’m so proud of you. She is absolutely wonderful.” 

I nodded my head and held back the tears as I thought about it. “Yea, she’s perfect. I can’t believe she’s ours. We get to spend the rest of our lives loving and spoiling that little girl.” I wiped my tired eyes dry before I glanced up at Daniel and smiled. It seemed impossible to do anything else.

Everything was alright. Just like Dan had promised. 

[watchmegetobsessed]

Shawn Mendes // Boundaries Part 11

HAPPY EFFING 2019 YOU GUYS!!! hope yall had a great night, mine was pretty chill but honestly i loved it haha. anyways, here is part 11 to celebrate the new year!

Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3 - Part 4 - Part 5 - Part 6 - Part 7 - Part 8 - Part 9  - Part 10

Going home the next morning feels like going to my own funeral. Everyone is so quiet, no one dares to say a word to us and I guess this has something to do with how we look and act.

On our way to the airport we are basically inseparable, we never let go of each other’s hand, I’m so clingy normally I would feel ashamed, but Shawn is the exact same. I’m constantly on the verge of crying, but I’m trying my best to look tough and I also don’t want any photos of me with red and puffy eyes. We have to make it look like we are more in love than ever, which is kinda true, but also, we only have hours left together.

Shawn doesn’t try to change my mind though I really thought he would at least make an attempt in the morning hoping I softened through the night, but for my biggest surprise, he says nothing. Instead, he is trying to use our final hours together wisely just like me. Neither of us sleeps on the flight, we share a seat and watch the clouds swimming under the jet in silence, we share kisses from time to time, but it’s mostly just us silently enjoying having the other one close for the last time.

Shawn cancelled on our last appointment on Sunday, he called Andrew and told him he isn’t feeling too well so the interview got postponed to a later date. I’m happy I don’t have to see him once more, saying goodbye is already hard enough, I don’t know if I would have enough strength in me to spend one more day with him without breaking down in tears.

Arriving back to New York Shawn puts on his best fake smile as he takes selfies with the fans waiting for him while I go straight to our car. Ten minutes later he follows and we are on our way to my place. My stomach is in a knot, my throat is dry as I’m staring out of the window, Shawn’s hand still holding mine and I’m thinking about what I should say to him before walking out of his life. I’m cursing myself for making it this hard, I should have been smarter.

When the driver stops in front of the café, our usual spot he suddenly gets out of the car and stands next to it as Shawn turns to me. I guess he asked him to give us some privacy beforehand.

“I guess this is our goodbye,” I mumble under my breath, already feeling the tears dwelling in my eyes.

“I want you to promise me one thing,” he starts looking into my eyes and I nod. “Call me if you need help. With anything. Even if it’s the slightest problem ever, I want you to know that you can always count on me, okay?”

Feeling a tear rolling down my cheek I smile at him sadly as I nod.

“Okay,” I whisper.

“And… if you change your mind in the future… about us… just call me,” he adds and I can’t help but chuckle. He did try for one last time after all.

Cupping his face I pull him into one last kiss and it turns out longer and more passionate than what I planned, but I don’t mind. I let his tongue dominate mine, he is nibbling down on my lip gently and I moan into his mouth, all kind of emotions mixing in me at the same time.

“I love you,” he whispers to me once we part and he rests his forehead against mine. I’m shutting my eyes closed tight and I fight the urge to say it back immediately. If I say it now, I feel like I won’t be able to get out of the car and leave him behind. “It’s fine,” he smiles at me when I open my eyes. “I’m happy I got to meet you. Take care, Naya.”

“You too, Shawn,” I smile as I reach for the handle and using everything in me I turn away from him and get out of the car.

I avoid looking at him one more time, I just start walking. I hear the driver getting back into the car and when I hear the car’s engine starting again I turn around and watch the black Range Rover drive away and then disappear from my sight.

My days without Shawn are just one dark blur from the moment I get home after Paris. All my stuff gets delivered to my place and he even let me keep the dresses I wore to the fashion shows. I want to call him to say thank you so badly, but I decide not to.

The next Friday we have the Assembly, everyone gets their new deals and clients, except me. Joshua explains to me that I need to lay low for a while, so I get signed up for shifts in the Nook as a hostess and I’m honestly happy I don’t have to get back to my usual work. I don’t think I would be able to work with another client so soon.

I spend a lot of time with Elisa and the kids. I volunteer to babysit as much as possible, and when Riley asks about Shawn my heart breaks every time. I tell her she’ll meet him again soon, and I hate myself for lying to a kid, but I guess these lies are making me feel better as well. Playing with the thought of seeing him again occurs to me often and it’s soothing to think about possible alternative universes where we are still seeing each other.

But no matter what I do, how hard I’m trying to keep myself occupied nothing really eases the numbing pain I constantly feel in my chest. I spend all my freetime in my room, mostly sleeping, because this is the only time I can avoid thinking about Shawn, but sometime my brain finds a way to torture me in my dreams too, because I often wake up in the middle of the night looking for him besides me only to find no one in bed with me. I usually can’t fall back to sleep when this happens so I just lie in bed awake, staring at the ceiling until the Sun comes up.

The money gets transferred to me on Monday, after we parted and in the following days I do what I’ve been doing for months. I transfer almost the whole amount to different accounts that belong to people that I owe to. When I finish I have just the right amount of money to get through the month, but at least I have the thought that I took a huge step closer to my freedom with this money as I was able to pay back a lot more than I usually am capable of.

It’s the third week now and I’m somehow feeling more… normal. Everyday things don’t take as much effort as they did in the past weeks. I’m on my way to the Nook for my night shift, Elisa is with her client tonight and I’m just hoping Josie is in tonight so I can hang out with her in my breaks.

The dim lighting and loud music with a chest banging bass feels like the best place on Earth tonight. I woke up a bit dizzy today, felt like I was about to throw up, but I’m pretty sure it’s because I ate a whole pack of salty crackers before going to be and my stomach just couldn’t deal with it properly. But now I’m all good.

I put my stuff down and get changed before sitting in front of my mirror to put on some more makeup and my black pixie cut wig that helps me keep my identity hidden and no one recognizes me as Shawn’s mystery girlfriend, who is by the way very much missed lately.

Yes, I kind of got obsessed with reading gossip sites since we parted our ways, I’m very ashamed of it, but I couldn’t resist. We went from one hundred to zero pretty quickly and I needed a daily dose of info about him to keep me sane, this is when I started browsing these sites and searched for his name. I read articles about him, saw paparazzi photos of him and the guys leaving places, he apparently spent a lot of time with them after our split and I checked his social media profiles regularly. Every time I saw a new post from him my heart started racing and stared at the photos he posted for an hour at least. I’m not proud of the way I’ve been acting, but I think I’ve been doing better in the past couple days and I can actually see a time when I’m not thinking about him for an entire day.

“Honey! I didn’t know you’d be in tonight!”

Josie’s chirpy voice snaps me out of my thoughts as I see her in the mirror, standing behind me in her neon pink dress that she paired with blue thigh high boots and a pearly necklace. Honestly, I have no idea where she gets these stuff.

I smile at her putting the eye-pencil down and turning around I get up to give her a hug.

“Hi J, I’m glad to see you.”

“You are looking better tonight, Sweetheart. How are you?” She gives me a knowing look and I just shrug my shoulders.

After the Assembly I stayed for half a shift at the club, but I wasn’t feeling too good. Josie found me crying in the bathroom and I told her everything. She listened to me whine about how much I’m missing Shawn and that I don’t think I’ll ever love someone the way I love him. I cried for long minutes choking on the words and cursing myself for being so stupid. When I was finally breathing somehow normally Josie gave me the best pep-talk of history. She didn’t try to tell me to just forget about it and stop thinking about him, because it’s obviously the shittiest thing to say. She sat with me on the floor and told me:

“I know how much it hurts. It will hurt, for a long time, but you are strong enough to put up with it. Breaking doesn’t mean you will never feel better, it’s just a temporary thing now. Cry for as long as you want, scream or shout, whatever makes you feel better, but also be patient with yourself. You will get through this and if in weeks you still feel like you can’t get over him, we will figure something out. But time can heal everything and I believe you’ll feel better soon.”

She covered for me for another hour until I somehow covered my puffy eyes and stopped crying. I knew she was right and I just did what she told and I decided to be patient with myself. Three weeks into my No-Shawn life and I’m starting to feel better, just like she told me I would.

“I’m doing okay,” I say as I let go of her and she fixes my wig a bit giving me a proud smile.

“Good. You look stunning, I’m sure you’ll break some hearts tonight.” She winks at me giving my arm a squeeze.

Half an hour later I’m out with my best fake smile as I serve cocktails to a group of men sitting in the VIP section in their expensive suits. I let my mind go blank, I only focus on the music that’s blasting through the place and when I’m not talking to a guest I’m just staring at the stage, watching the girls perform.

It’s around 1 am when the suited men order fruit flavored shots and I walk over to the bar. The bartender places ten shots on a tray and the deep red liquors dance in the small glasses as I’m walking over to their table. When no one is watching I lean closer and sniff at one of the glasses. I love the sweet smell of the syrup we use to make these shots, but this time, when the smell hits my nose my stomach takes a double flip.

I stop for a moment as I feel like I’m about to throw up. The tray almost loses balance on my hand but I quickly recover and catch it from falling. I close my eyes for a moment taking a deep breath as I feel my stomach growl in disagreement.

I serve the shots and rush to the back as fast as possible. As I’m on my way to the bathroom Josie steps out one of the dressing rooms.

“Honey, everything alright?” she asks, but I just shake my head and run past her, right into the bathroom where I barely reach a toilet before throwing up.

I hear Josie coming in and a moment later two hands reach for my wig and she is keeping the hair out of my face while I put everything out from me. When it seems like I’m done she disappears for a moment only to return with a glass of water and some paper towels in her hands.

“Thanks,” I choke out wiping my mouth and flushing the toilet.

“What happened?” she asks with concern all over her face. I’m sweating and I need a few more seconds before I find my voice.

“I don’t know. I smelled one of those fruity shots and just… lost it,” I breathe out still panting a bit.

“Have you been feeling nauseous?”

“In the morning yeah, but I didn’t throw up. I thought I just ate too much crackers before going to bed.” I finally get up from the floor and walk to the sink to wash my hands and mouth. My throat is burning and just the thought of throwing up makes me want to vomit again, but I keep it under control this time.

“Honey, I hate to ask this but… did you use protection with him?”

I freeze the moment these words leave her mouth. She is standing behind me, the water is still running from the tap as I lock eyes with her through the mirror. My stomach drops and my heart starts beating crazily as my thoughts drift back to Paris.

He did not use a condom, because I told him not to. Because I told him I would get a morning after pill, which I had in my purse, but with everything happening between and around us… it slipped my mind. Therefore, we had unprotected sex and I forgot to take the pill afterwards, meaning…

Meaning I now have a chance of being pregnant.

 My hands are shaking, I feel like I’m about to throw up again but I’m ready to swallow it back as my unsteady fingers flip through my small calendar I usually keep with me. Josie is standing right behind me as we are standing in the corner of the room, girls are chattering happily in the back not even knowing what is going on here.

When I finally find the right month I look for the red marks, I’m clinging onto the last straws of hope, but when I find them, I almost start crying.

I mark the days when I should start my period with empty circles and then when I actually get it I usually just fill them in so I know which day is the first of my cycle. The damn circles are staring back at me from the previous week, meaning I should have gotten my period eight days ago. Sometimes I’m late, but only with maximum two days. Never eight. Never.

“Is that what I think it is?” Josie whispers and I can’t speak right now, I just nod my head. I close the calendar and show it back to my bag turning to Josie as I feel like I’m on the verge of a mental breakdown.

“What do I do now?” I ask with wide eyes. The thought of being pregnant is so foreign me at this moment and I think my mind hasn’t really processed what this means.

“You have to make a test or go to the doctor. Being late can mean a lot, maybe it’s just the stress.”

I nod my head think about it. She is right, I’ve had some pretty stressful weeks behind me, it wouldn’t be surprising if my hormones were all over the place and make my period late somehow.

Josie tries to convince me to tell Joshua that I’m not feeling well, which is true, but I choose to finish my shift. When I get off at three am I’m already a mental wreck, but there I have to face some more waiting since nothing is open at this time.

When I arrive home Elisa is sleeping in her room, she has a morning class tomorrow. I take a quick shower, put on some clean pj’s and crawl into bed with my phone. I open the contacts and I start scrolling down until my finger lingers through a name. The urge to call Shawn is tempting, I almost press on the button, but not even knowing what I would tell him I lock the phone and put it to my nightstand. I can’t talk to him until I find out for sure.

For my biggest surprise I sleep pretty okay. I set an alarm last night so I can go to the pharmacy in time to get a pregnancy test and do it while Elisa is in school. I keep my cool as I run to the nearest pharmacy and try to look as unbothered as possible when I pay for the test. I hide the box in my bag and I’m dying to finally get back home and take it.

   Time has never went by slower than at this moment as I’m sitting on the floor of our small and messy bathroom. I watch as the numbers change on my phone’s screen and I almost start thinking time has stopped, but I know it’s just in my mind.

I turn my head trying to make myself busy, so I pick up a set of false lashes from next to the bathtub and hold it up in front of my face. It can be mine, but I think it’s Elisa’s. It’s longer than what I usually use. Setting it to the edge of the tub I stare at it as if I’m waiting for it to start talking to me and tell its story. Waiting is really making me go crazy.

I stand up, carefully not looking at the stick at the edge of the sink as I throw the lashes into the small trashcan and I start sorting all the makeup products that are everywhere. I already know what’s mine and what’s Elisa’s, we have lived together long enough to get used to each other and know what we use. I was always afraid that if I live with another woman we will start using each other’s stuff, like in the movies. I always thought it’s weird. I mean, it’s fine a few times, but not all the time. It’s not too sanitary and budget friendly. It’s better if everyone sticks to their own things. Elisa thinks the same. We are happy to help each other out if one of us runs out of lipstick, or needs a specific color of eyeshadow. But we never touch what’s not ours without asking first. I think this is one reason why we are so good together. Another one is our shared history, I guess.

I check the time and it’s the last ten seconds, finally. I take a deep breath and hold it as I watch the numbers change on the screen until it hits zero. I switch the alarm off, but I don’t do anything. I stand there like a statue, my limbs feel like rocks and I don’t have the energy to lift them up. My throat is so dry, I could drink a gallon of water at once.

I look at myself in the mirror and furrowing my eyebrows I tell myself that I can’t just ignore this. I have to find out the truth so I can carry on or… or find a solution if the result is what I was afraid of.

I blow out the breath I was holding and glance down at the stick that’s lying face down. I slowly reach for it and take it between by pointing finger and thumb. It’s now or never.

I turn it over and when I see it I forget to breathe for the longest second of history. I freeze and my eyes are glued to the two little lines on the stick that means one thing. The one thing I was so worried and the one thing that is now freaking me out to the point where I feel like I’m about to pass out.

I’m pregnant and I have no idea how I’m going to deal with this situation. I’m twenty-one, practically a child myself, I can’t take care of a baby, not with the way I’ve lived in the past two years, it’s impossible. I can’t do this alone and even if Elisa helps me out it’s still not enough. I have only one choice, the person I never thought I would see again and I promised not to think about ever, but I have no choice. I wasn’t alone when this baby conceived and as much as I would love to figure it out on my own, he deserves to know.

I wipe away the warm tears from my cheeks and reach for my phone, still holding the pregnancy test in my hands. Opening my contacts I scroll down and I stop at his name. Biting into my bottom lip my thumb linger over it as I hesitate and try to think about what I want to tell him. But I slowly realize that it’s not something I should tell over the phone, so instead of calling I open a new message.

To: Shawn Mendes Hey. Can we meet? We need to talk about something.

I press send before I can change my mind and I finally walk out of the bathroom. I walk through our small, but cozy living room and don’t stop until I’m in my room. First, I hide the test into one of my drawers and then I check the time. Elisa will be home in an hour from her class to get ready for work, there is no way I can face her right now, so I better not be here. As I’m gathering a few stuff my phone buzzes from a new message. It’s from him.

From: Shawn Mendes Somewhere private or do you want to have drink somewhere?

I could use a drink right now, but then I realize, I won’t taste any alcohol in the upcoming months. And a private place would be the most ideal for this conversation.

To: Shawn Mendes Can we meet at your place?

His reply arrives a few seconds later.

From: Shawn Mendes I’ll send a car for you. Where do you want it to go?

I text him to pick me up at the usual spot at the café and he assures me that a car will be there to pick me up in thirty minutes. Perfect, this way I won’t meet Elisa. I grab my bag, put everything I think I need in it and leave the place, but before I could step out, I stop at the mirror that’s right next to our front door. I see myself in an entirely different way than how I did when I arrived home, though I was already suspicious back then. But now I know that somewhere under my oversized black sweater there is a baby in my stomach. I’m not alone anymore, not even when there is no one around me.

I slide my hand under my sweater and touch my lower belly, but I don’t feel anything yet it’s so different. Nothing will be the same from now on and it frightens me so much I can’t even describe.

I shake my head, fix my clothes and switch the lights off before leaving to meet the father of my unborn child, Shawn Mendes.

-

taglist:  @damnigotadime @jrock-1987 @dacutiehart @ricchhelle @shar-is-my-name

[benhaardy]

May I have a ship from both Queen and bohrap?? I have long brown hair and hazel eyes and Im 5’4. I love playing guitar/ukulele and painting/drawing. I love to travel and do road trips whenever I can, and hang out with my friends. Im also a little shy at first but after you get to know me Im really outgoing and goofy. I also really love to read, dance to music, and watch movies :)

i ship you with BEN and BRIAN!

(whos tied for cutest with the queen peeps and the borhap peeps?) ^ 

you guys met when you were on a road trip w friends and you guys went to some house party thrown by someone one of them knew. you noticed that cute blonde and they could all tell: u got the hotssss. you were lowkey scared so one of them went up to him (“his name is ben!!!” they mouthed, winking, leading ben by his wrist to meet you) and once you broke the ice, you both hit it off

guitar and ukelele. big big YES!! he loves listening to you play always. it’s just very relaxing to him after a long day filming, going upstairs to find you just in your guys’ room, playing with either. he always has a request for a song for you to learn and usually it’s one completely out of the blue (you didn’t know his music taste was that different but hey. just another interesting thing about him lol) but totally worth it in the end because they’re usually beautiful.

ben this for me, will you, baby? | ben link to the tab* | next day | mrs. hardy

sooooo you learn it. and you love it. and when he comes back home from set you guys get upstairs and he just plops down on the bed on his belly and closes his eyes. he doesn’t hear you come in with your guitar but when you sit down on the bed he doesn’t respond. you start playing what you learned while he was away. once ben hears it, he rolls over on his back and opens one eye, smiling at you.

his deep ass voice trying to sing this song very high is hilarious and a sound to hear. you both laugh once you conclude, his more of a coughing fit from the pitch which made you laugh even more

“it’s all i could listen to when i was away, love.” he props up on his elbow and moves a piece of hair from out of your eyes. “it reminded me of you.”

ben’s just a witty sarcastic good and his dry humor is something you enjoy. safe to say this boy with not too many smiles is ever-smiling around you. he loves your infectious goofy personality and can’t help but come out of his little shell.

you two often take frankie to dog friendly cafes. while she and ben are probably meeting a lifetimes worth of friends, you’re just sitting in an armchair, reading and every once in a while you look up and see your dog-ter and ya boy just having a blast with the others (ben having his time w the dogs and frankie fawning over the humans)

speaking of frankie: she stays w his parents when you guys go on your trips and such and you guys are off! you usually rent a car in this new place and just take it around. the best was probably when you guys drove around pretty much everywhere in the us and europe during the summer and practically lived out of hotels and cars and a new place every week.

(slow dancing at 2 am in a fancy hotel in new york: priceless)

(at a fairy light and candlelit special little place tucked away somewhere in italy slow dancing barefoot: I M P E C C A B L E)

ofc during the lulls in life and your travels, you drew and when you could, painted. ben loves being your model and plays around at first, but he puts on a serious face for you to draw.

you watch his work during road trips and he teases you about it so you just switch to another movie once you notice that he’s looked on your tablet/phone before he could open his mouth.

eyes!!!! he loves your eyes!!!! and your hair but your eyes are just his favourite.

they’re so cute ahh!!

yall met at a studio where you were playing as a session artist for a band. word had gotten around the place that there was a new very talented guitarist in town who had been recording with pretty much anyone new and old on the scene. you didn’t know but the guys were watching you from behind the glass as you were working with the other members, faced away from queen. you played a riff and recorded a bit and then you took a break. you walked through the door and surprise! the biggest artists that recorded at this studio were right in front of you, including your music and um uhhhh maybe celebrity crush brian may???? you introduced yourselves (and mayyybee your hands shook as you shook bri’s hand which was btw the first and last time that ever happened when you met someone).

“brian here has a little crush on you, darling!” freddie exclaimed, interrupting you and bri’s conversation. roger and john’s snickers were heard from them on the couch, lounging. “freddie?!”

spoiler alert: freddie was very right.

though he’s normally pretty quiet, you bring out a louder side in him where his voice doesnt sound ˡᶦᵏᵉ ᵗʰᶦˢ all gentle and shit but just louder! ʟɪᴋᴇ ᴛʜɪs!

guitar, stringed instruments, music: you two love, of course. you both often jammed together and composed together. your house was basically the studio or your guys’ music room. you each had your own guitars (and you have some ukeleles) and there’s always one in every room.

“hm, what about this, love?” *plays super complex shit on the spot and on one try and doesn’t fuck up and doesn’t sound bad even though it’s basically made the second it has to be played* “dude. c’mon.” you pout. “don’t worry, lovely, maybe one day you’ll be this good.” you roll your eyes but bri being bri he immediately starts apologizing and puts his guitar back down on the stand. he puts his arm around you like a loose headlock. “you will be this good and greater. i’m sure of it, love.”

(if that doesn’t make sense you’re used to having a lot of tries to perfect your stuff and you’re basically working on improvising more)

when you’re done for the day and he’s just sitting on the ground w his guitar and you’re on the couch, you like drawing him. bri’s face is just like. a wonder. and he doesn’t think he deserves a drawing (“it’s too much work, darling, you don’t have to!”) but you win. every. time.

one of your anniversary gifts to him was this sketchbook filled with finished and half-finished drawings, most of him. there are little-unfinished song lyrics all about, little love notes and scrawlings and quotes from your favourite books around his curls, around your drawings. you wrote him a long letter telling him about everything.

gatherings with friends!! as you travel, you meet new ones but your old ones come along with you on trips sometimes and it’s all just fun. they love bri and am so happy for you that you’ve found someone like this.

(also when they met queen they all shit their pants)

you love dragging him to movies and normally he doesn’t know if he’ll like it but in the middle, you look over and he’s shoveling his vegetarian snacks you snuck in in your bag into his mouth.

he likes playing with your hair like you like playing with his. it started out as teasing you for how much you’re in his hair but it’s actually a little calming.

lol kinda went overboard on the music but like. music man its beautiful. i kind of left out ukelele a bit i apologize! thank you for sending in a request i hope you like it!

SHIPS ARE CLOSED!

[buoyantsaturn]

Liability [Reprise] (2/2)

a/n: happy last day of solangelo week!! it's been a great time yall and now i'd like to apologize for what youre about to read!! youre gonna cry, and not just because solangelo week is over, but because i'm a monster! i hope you enjoy it and dont hate me too bad after its over!!

part one here

read it on ao3

On the first day of Will’s second year in residency, he collapsed in the middle of the emergency room. He was diagnosed with severe exhaustion and dehydration and prescribed bed rest and a lot of fluids.

He woke up in his own private room, groggy and disoriented, with a clearly upset Nico sitting at his bedside.

“How are you feeling?” Nico asked, irritation evident in his voice.

“Tired,” Will croaked.

“I told you so,” Nico said, and Will rolled his head to the side to look at him, though he didn’t respond. “I told you this would happen,” Nico continued, voice rising in volume. “I told you that if you didn’t slow down, then something like this would happen. Do you get it now? Do you get that you’re killing yourself and that it’s time to quit whatever stupid game you’re playing? Just--” Nico sighed and grabbed one of Will’s hands between his, pressing his lips to his knuckles before he whispered, “Just come home with me. Come home, and we can stay in bed for a few days, and after that we can...we can do anything, whatever you want. We can travel all over the world, or we can find some...some volunteer work somewhere to keep us busy. We could get a dog or a cat, or become temporary foster parents, Will, we could have a family.”

“Being a doctor is my dream,” Will told him. “I’m not giving up on my dream.”

“So take a break instead,” Nico argued.

“I’ll take as long as I need to recover,” Will shot back. “As soon as I’m cleared, I’m coming back to work.”

They stared each other down in silence, daring the other to say anything more. Nico felt his chest constricting more and more with every breath, and his eyes began to sting with forming tears. He broke eye contact and stood up abruptly, stuffing his hands in the pockets of his jacket - it was times like this that he most missed his oversized bomber.

“Fine,” he croaked, and he left the room.

He barely made it five feet from the door before he broke down, collapsing and sobbing into his hands.

They were twenty eight when Will spent his last one month in the Underworld. He seemed to finally be taking Nico’s advice to rest and relax and spend time with his boyfriend of over ten years. They would have lazy mornings in bed and take romantic walks through Persephone’s gardens (and Will had long gotten over whatever he’d had about having sex in Hell). They were happy again, happy like they were teenagers again, before Will had eaten that pomegranate seed and doomed his own life.

They were so incredibly happy, except for the times that they weren’t.

Whenever Nico brought up even the possibility that Will stop doing surgery or even take the shortest of breaks, it was like something in Will snapped. They would argue for entire days and end up sleeping in separate rooms. They would scream at each other until one of them would leave the room to avoid saying something they would regret.

One minute they would be talking about the idea of getting married. The next would end with a slamming door and objects thrown at the wall out of anger.

It was near the end of the month that Nico reminded Will that he should take it easy when he returned to work, so that he wouldn’t collapse on the job again. Of course, since it was a sensitive subject, Will’s frustration with his boyfriend spiked once again.

“I’ll be fine,” he said, trying to keep his cool.

“Maybe, but you know how tired you usually are after being here for so long,” Nico argued. “You’re not as healthy as your coworkers, and you might not be able to keep up with them--”

“I’m fine,” Will shouted, rising to his feet and stepping closer to get in Nico’s face. “I’m perfectly healthy. And when we get back home, I’m gonna show you how healthy I am, got it? I’ve got a long life ahead of me. I have a ring for you at home, hidden in my sock drawer, because I know I am going to live long enough to marry you.”

Will’s words were like a knife stabbing into Nico’s back. He knew Will didn’t have much time left. His estimation of mid-thirties was going to fall short; Will would be lucky to see the new year.

Nico folded his arms across his chest and dropped his gaze from Will’s eyes. “I’d say yes,” Nico said softly, but his gaze hardened. “If you lived that long, I’d say yes, but I’m not stupid.” He turned away, walking toward the door, but stopped before he left the room. “I’ll ask Alecto to take you home in a few days. Don’t expect me to be there waiting for you.”

And he walked out.

He couldn’t bare to return to the surface for more than a few hours - the risk of seeing Will was too high. He asked his father for errands to run instead, to keep his mind busy, and when he sensed that it was time, he shadow traveled into their apartment - uncleaned, since Will never had the time or energy to bother with organizing - and dug around in Will’s sock drawer until the found the ring box.

Will didn’t make it back to the apartment that night.

One second, he was at work, running toward the ambulance bay to intercept an incoming trauma. And the next he was kneeling at the foot of Hades’s throne, feeling lighter and stronger and more relaxed than he’d ever remembered feeling.

“You’re an idiot,” Hades called down to him, and Will glanced up to see the god towering over him, probably intending to look more intimidating than usual. “I do not understand what my son sees in a child of Apollo, especially one as stupid as you. However, I love my son, and he has loved you, so I supposed I can tolerate an eternity with you, if that is what Nico chooses. If he welcomes you back, then you may spend your afterlife with him in the Palace.”

“Thank you, Lord Hades,” Will said, bowing his head again. “Um, is he here, somewhere?”

“In his chambers, waiting for you,” Hades answered, and so Will got up and left.

He tried forming his apology in his head as he walked down the long halls to Nico’s room, but there was too much to say and his thoughts kept getting jumbled. What could he even say to get Nico to take him back? Why would Nico want him back, after the things he’d said and done?

He walked up to Nico’s door without a single coherent thought in his head, but he knocked on the door anyway, opening it once he heard a response from within.

Nico was sitting on the bed, hands stuffed in his jacket pockets, gaze locked on the floor, darker-than-usual circles under his eyes.

Will walked forward and dropped to his knees in front of Nico. “I’m so sorry,” Will started, and his composure broke instantly. “You were right, and I’m so sorry I didn’t listen to you. I was so focused on being a good doctor that I neglected you and only thought about myself, and-- Shit, Nico, I’m so sorry.” He choked out a sob, furiously trying to wipe away his own tears before they splashed against the tiled floor. “I’m such an idiot, I should have been there for you, I’ve been acting so stupid for so long. I don’t deserve you, and...and you don’t deserve someone like me, and I know that, but-- I know now how wrong I was for the last...however many years, and I know I don’t deserve another chance, but please, give me a second chance. Or third, or fiftieth, or however many, just one more. I don’t want to spend another second without you, and I want to make up for how shitty I’ve been. I love you, Nico, I love you so much, please forgive me.”

Nico stood up, and Will had to dry his tears to see that Nico was holding out a ring box - the same one that Will had had in his sock drawer. That was Nico’s ring, and he was giving it back. Will felt his heart break all over again.

He reached up with a shaky hand and took the box from Nico. “That’s...a no, then. Huh. I...don’t know if I was expecting that, or not.”

“No, stupid,” Nico said, and Will did expect the anger in his voice. “You’re already on your knees, so I’m telling you to put that ring to good use.”

“You want me to…? You mean, you’re not mad at me?”

“I’m pissed at you,” Nico clarified, “but I’ve always loved you more than I could ever manage to hate you, so are you going to ask, or not?”

Will blinked up at him a few times, then glanced down at the ring box. He cracked it open slowly, presenting the ring, and said, “Nico di Angelo, will you spend an eternity in Hell with me?”

Nico lowered himself to his knees and cupped Will’s face in his hands before pulling him in for the softest, sweetest kiss. “Of course, Sunshine.”

Will let out another sob as fresh tears started to fall and he collapsed forward into Nico’s shoulder, wrapping his arms around his fiance’s waist.

“I missed you so much,” Nico whispered into his ear, allowing a few of his own tears to fall as he stroked Will’s hair. “I love you, you big idiot.”

Will pulled back and leaned his forehead against Nico’s. “I’m gonna make it up to you, for everything. I’m going to spend the rest of eternity making you as happy as I possibly can. I’m gonna give you the greatest wedding the Underworld has seen since Hades and Persephone’s. Anything you want, just say the word.”

Nico smiled, and it felt so much easier than it had in so long. “All I need is you.”

buy me a coffee | more about solangelo week

[dealersofatlanta]

Part 1: Chapter 3 (Pt. 2)

January 4th 2012:

Heiress: age 17

“Stopppp ok in what year did Japan attack the United States?” I asked My boyfriend X. We were studying at his house for the graduation test. He was kissing on me. “Baby we been studying everyday this week, its Friday come on lets watch a movie and chill out” X said. I sighed. “Fine, but we start again tomorrow” I told him. X and I had been together since August of last year. We started off as mutual friends, but we became close after his dad died. I don’t know much about his dad but X said he was an amazing father. He was killed in an attempted robbery he told me. He had been living with his mom before she moved to L.A and he refused to go because of me, so now he lives with his brother named Omari. X and I were different in our enviroment but we had alot of chemistry. Although we lived in Buckhead, my mom worked 2 jobs just for me to attend West Lake, its a private school, but X had said his father left him enough money in his Will, so he paid of my tuition and paid up our rent, bout us bought me a car, and put some money to the side for me to go to medical school, now my mom works from home. “You the smartest girl I know, fuck that test” He said to me kissing my nose. I smiled at him. “How did I get so lucky?” I asked. He shrugged. “I ask myself that everyday” He said. I logged on to my laptop and went on Facebook. “Hard to study when bae wants to be up under u :(“ with X Knight. I posted my status on my page. “So I already paid for our Prom Tickets and I paid for a room” X told me. “A room?” I asked. He smirked. “You said you wanted to lose your V card like they do in the movies, so bet” He said. I laughed at him. “Your so corny nigga” I told him. He rolled his eyes. I heard his front door shut. “Man nah kill any nigga thats trying to fuck with our profit!” I heard Omari say as he walked in. He looked over at me. “Yeah, but Im holla at you later fam” He hung up the phone and slightly smiled. “Business” He simply said. I nodded and waved. I never knew what O did for a living. X said he owned alot of properties. “What yall kids up to?” He asked. “Studying” X said. Omari nodded. “Yeah, I don’t miss highschool, how yall been? All in love and shit” He said smiling. X threw a paper ball at Omari. “Man shut up” He said the boys started play fighting. “Ima let yall finish, X meet me downstairs later in the basement” He said. X nodded. “You want to take a walk?” I asked. He nodded.

“Were do you see yourself in 5 years?” X asked me as we walked around his gated subdivision. X lived in a mansion with 7 bedrooms. They had 5 cars outside, a body guard and security. “I see myself working in a hospital delivering babies, and being with you maybe marriage kids I can’t look that far” I said. X nodded. “I want to own my own restaraunt one day, marry you and have a football team of kids” He said. I gave him a crazy look. “Nigga, I’m only having one kid, im not messing up my coochie for your football team” I told him. He smiled at me. “You might never know” He said. I nodded. “Your right, I might get to marry Drake” O said. He stopped smiling. “Quit playing” He said. “Im dead ass X” I said trying not to smile. “Ima way better looking than that nigga anyways” He pouted. I shrugged. “Long as you believe it thats all that matters” I said. He sucked his teeth in. “Heiress, go back to the house and leave” He said acting like a big kid. “Okay” I said playfully turning around. He grabbed my waist back softly. “Nah girl you aint leaving me” He said kissing on my cheek.

X age 18:

After my dad passed, alot shit changed. My mom moved out and went to L.A. she wanted me to move with her but I wanted to stay with family. She said she check up on me, but I aint heard from her since she left except Christmas. I been spending alot of time with Heriess. My angel, we aint been together long but I know shes the one, shes different from all the girls at West Lake. She not trying to date me cause I got money, she want the best for me, and I want to be the best for her. I think I love her. She knows nothing about my dad and what he actually does, my dad taught me at 10years old how to shoot a gun, and what happens to people who snitch. I saw my dad kill somebody because they snitched to the police. He taught me at 13 how to differeciate the difference between the test of coke and crack. He taught me what every pill, drug, and weed looks like, to know when someones trying to jug you. At 15 he bought me my first trap phone, training me to know when someone is a snitch, how to pay off the police, to keep them quiet. Omari still showing me the ins and outs but I also want to be a Chef. I want to help Ace and Omari building my dads legacy, but I want a normal life as well. If Heiress found out about any of the this, I think it would scare her away.

“So whats the whole point of this show?” I asked Heiress. We was in my room watching Pretty Little Liars on Demand. “It’s a good ass show” She said. I smiled at her. She was always cute when she was serious with something. My phone buzzed...

“I got to go” I told Heiress. She looked up at me as she was laying her head in my lap. “What’s up?” She asked. I sighed. “Remember I told you my dad cheated on my mom and I have a little sister?” I said. She nodded. “Well her mom texted me letting me know shes been acting out again”. She looked at me on confusion. “Why?”. I shrugged. “I don’t know she been like this since I met her, she been leaving school early and shit. I have to find her” I told her getting up. “Well shes 14, she just met her dad in a casket some months ago, this is all new to her. She has a right to lash out. When my parents got divorced I was angry as hell that my dad ran off with some bitch and left me and my mother high and dry. I was mad at her for letting him leave us, she will eventually calm down” She said. I shurgged. “Maybe”. She followed me outside. “I will call you when I get back aight?” I told her. She nodded. I kissed her before we both got in our cars, and went our seperate ways.

Tiana: age 14

“Im not a baby! I don’t need you telling strangers my where abouts!” I yelled at my mom. She shook her head. “You are out of control TiTi, I can’t keep track of you. You are smoking weed now, drinking and sneaking out. You are 14 years old! You are not grown!” My mom Melissa yelled. I rolled my eyes. I heard a knock at the door. My mom walked over and opened the door. It was my brother X. “Hey X, Im sooo happy your here” She hugged him. I sighed loudly. It had been my mom, my grandmother and my moms family for the longest. We stayed on the Eastside of Atlanta. We used to live on BoulderCrest, but when my dad died he gave us money. My mom moved us to the rich side of Decatur. We were Puertorican, but me I was Afro-Latina. My father was black. I always knew about my dad. My mama would tell me he was a very busy man, and then 9 months ago she told me he died. I never met him, never heard his voice nothing. I missed a man I never met so much. “What’s up Ti” X said hugging me. “You good?” X asked. I shrugged. “Can I live with you and O?” I asked him. He smiled and shook his head. “You got a nice little crib here” I groaned. “Yall treat me like a child! Im 14!” i yelled. X lightly grabbed my arm and we went upstairs to my room. “Look I know your angry and hurting, I’m still trying to heal to since Dad died but shit happens, and life goes on. When you turn 18 you can go wherever you want with the money Dad gave you but now, I need you to respect your mama cause shit, atleast she’s still here, to love you and make sure you good or whatever. Man just chill” He said to me. I looked down. “Okay?” He asked. I nodded. “Okay, but Im dead ass leaving here” I told him. He dapped me up and hugged me. “Yeah, and going to college” He said. “Maybe Ima be like Dad” I said. He shook his head. “You see where that got him” X said. “But you doing it?” I said as a matter of fact. “I will eventually because thats what he asked for in his will, he still wants us to go to school you don’t got dreams?” He asked me. I shrugged my shoulders. “I don’t know, marry Lil- Wayne” I said. He sighed. “Nah like real dreams”. He asked. “I want to be a make up artist” I told him. He nodded. “Aight its settled, you can go to beauty school and if you graduate you can get your half” He said to me. I shook my head. “Nooo! Thats not fair!” I yelled. He shrugged. “I aint letting you burn Dads money he died making for you to blow it all on weed, liquor and buy shit for these niggas, got me fucked up” He said. I rolled my eyes. “Its my money I can do what I want” I said. He nodded. “Fine”

[augcst]

unusual asks: do them all i believe in you

WHO DID THIS but lowkey thanks bc this is what i wanted read below if you wanna know things about me or *cough* datemeimeanwhta *cough*

Spotify, SoundCloud, or Pandora? Spotify all the wayyy

Is your room messy or clean?Actually clean bc I just cleaned it out and everything is organized

What color are your eyes?Brown af

Do you like your name? why?I do and its bc its aestetically pleasing to look at for me? Like Autumn is just really nice to look at u kno

What is your relationship status?single and mentally unstable; thotumn

Describe your personality in 3 words or lesstired, sometimes creative

What color hair do you have?dark brown with lighter brown streaks

What kind of car do you drive? color?Nissan Versa Note, sky blue

Where do you shop?For clothes: H&M and target, my sister’s closet

How would you describe your style?attempted gay athletic

Favorite social media accountInstagram or this one

What size bed do you have?Double or queen... its bigger than a twin but not a king lol

Any siblings?Biological: 9, Step: 2, Adopted: 2 (all sisters)

If you can live anywhere in the world where would it be? why?New Zealand because it’s so gorgeous, or the gay island with my favorite people ive ever met @enbykaradanvers and @thegrimllama

Favorite snapchat filter?The one that makes your nose smaller and your face thinner

Favorite makeup brand(s)I use drug store mostly, Milani is INCREDIBLE, but expensive: highligher - nars, primer - too faced, stila, makeup forever

How many times a week do you shower?Usually every other day unless im going through a particularly bad depression spout. 

Favorite tv show?All-time: New Girl, The Office, Parks and Rec, Grey’sCurrent: Supergirl

Shoe size?.....size 11

How tall are you?5′4″ish

Sandals or sneakers?SNEAKERS ALWAYS

Do you go to the gym?not really

Describe your dream datestargazing in a remote, low-lit area so the stars are super bright with philosophical discussions

How much money do you have in your wallet at the moment?$178 not including like gift cards and stuff

What color socks are you wearing?none right now

How many pillows do you sleep with?I have to have one for my head, one to hug, and one on the other side so i feel secure lmao but I have 7 full pillows on my bed rn

Do you have a job? what do you do?Not currently as I’m about to go through a really tough semester, but I was a nanny

How many friends do you have?I have 3/4 best friends but a really good amount of friend friends 

Whats the worst thing you have ever done?watched the Bee movie

Whats your favorite candle scent?peach or evergreen

3 favorite boy namesI have 3 gender neutral names: Journey, River and Eowyn

3 favorite girl namessame as above plus annie

Favorite actor?um... *looks at smudged writing on hand* Benadryl *squints* Cucumber

Favorite actress?Melissa Benoist or Katie McGrath atm

Who is your celebrity crush?Same as above

Favorite movie?Hidden Figures is SO GOOD YALL YOU GOTTA SEE IT

Do you read a lot? whats your favorite book?I don’t because I have issues with concentrating unless i’m interested and it’s dead quiet. But my favorite book is Milk&Honey by Rupi Kaur CALL ME BASIC I KNOW I AM but i have a lot of poetry books i enjoy

Money or brains?Brains

Do you have a nickname? what is it?Yes, Audi or Thotumn or Small Chip as coined by @thegrimllama and Lil Sis/sib as coined by @enbykaradanvers

How many times have you been to the hospital?For myself, 4 times for serious things. 1) Kidney infection as an infant, 2) Two nose bleeds that wouldn’t stop 3) Severe stomach pain 4) Broken ankle

Top 10 favorite songsin no particular order:-This Girl (Kungs Vs. Cookin’ On 3 Burners)-Wow by Beck-Guillotine by Jon Bellion-False Alarm by Matoma-Death of a Bachelor by Panic! at the Disco-Starving by Hailee Steinfeld-Take On Me by Aha-Send My Love (To Your New Lover) by Adele-That’s My Girl by 5H-6 Inch by Beyonce

Do you take any medications daily?Too many

What is your skin type? (oily, dry, etc)Definitely combination

What is your biggest fear?Shallow: Heights; Deep: Being Gaslighted

How many kids do you want?I want a few although im not sure how many, but never an only child. 

Whats your go to hair style?Messy pony or bun

What type of house do you live in? (big, small, etc)Average for a family, like 4 bedroom, 3 stories, 3 baths.

who is your role model?@enbykaradanvers and @thegrimllama and my mom

What was the last compliment you received?(regarding a nude I thought was awful) @thegrimllama : “HOLY SHIT IT WORKS THOUGH, IM FOR REAL THOUGH SEND IT TO EVERYONE”

What was the last text you sent?“IM ONLY HALFWAY THROUGH”

Wow old were you when you found out santa wasn’t real?I still believe in santa dont ARGUE WITH ME

What is your dream car?One with bluetooth music, leather seats, seatwarmers and a sun roof and adequate room in the baCK AKA MY CAR I DESTROYED LAST YEAR I CRY

Opinion on smoking?not for me, please dont smoke cigs around me either

Do you go to college?Yep, getting my associates this semester then transferring

What is your dream job?a job that works with psychology and children. maybe autistic children

Would you rather live in rural areas or the suburbs?Suburbs. I like the idea of a city, but I hate the crowdedness, but i like living close enough to like a target and H&M and stuff

Do you take shampoo and conditioner bottles from hotels?nah, if anything I use them while im there

Do you have freckles?not really, just like random spots all over my body but not like the cute freckles lmao

Do you smile for pictures?now I do, i went through a period where I didnt though

How many pictures do you have on your phone?17k

Have you ever peed in the woods?yes, when I was little and my family was actually active and hiked lmao

Do you still watch cartoons?sometimes, my little sister watches them and sometimes they’re on. But I do watch Steven Universe and Spongebob when they’re on lmao

Do you prefer chicken nuggets from Wendy’s or McDonalds?HOW ABOUT CHICK FIL A

Favorite dipping sauce?Ranch probably

What do you wear to bed?usually a tee and underwear

Have you ever won a spelling bee?I think I vaguely remember winning when I was in elementary but I honestly cant say for sure

What are your hobbies?Art and music and studyblring and im trying to get into like editing digital stuff and i also like writing when I have the spoons

Can you draw?yeah, I have an art tag somewhere. You can find it on my page in my about me i think

Do you play an instrument?the guitar, I used to play viola and piano though

What was the last concert you saw?Twenty One Pilots at Red Rocks i think?

Tea or coffee?hot chocolate

Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts?starbucks

Do you want to get married?yes

What is your crush’s first and last initial?JH, but it’s like an inactive crush? But like other than that I dont have any

Are you going to change your last name when you get married?Probably

What color looks best on you?Orange or navy blue probably

Do you miss anyone right now?@enbykaradanvers bc they WENT TO SLEEP EARLY LIKE A HEALTHY PERSON although im really proud of them bc i care and love them and i want them to be well rested for work so they have a highkey good day

Do you sleep with your door open or closed?CLOSED AF

Do you believe in ghosts?Umm yes but not in the conventional way. lmk if anyone wants to know more lmao

What is your biggest pet peeve?I have so many but top ones are chewing with your mouth open and velvety textures

Last person you called?@enbykaradanvers and @thegrimllama

Favorite ice cream flavor?Mint choclate chip

Regular oreos or golden oreos?I like the cookie part of regular ones but the whole of golden ones so u choose

Chocolate or rainbow sprinkles?i dont like sprikles but make it gay so rainbow

What shirt are you wearing?my fave long sleeve tee, it was my dad’s at one point

What is your phone background?kara danvers with a pink background and a pixelly thought bubble that says “why are you on my phone”

Are you outgoing or shy?a mix. depends on my spoons tbh

Do you like it when people play with your hair?if they do it gently bc i highkey have a really sensitive scalp

Do you like your neighbors?yeah, one of my best friends lives on the left and a nice family lives on the right

Do you wash your face? at night? in the morning?morning and night... but like lazily. Literally water in the morning and a makeup wipe or water at night

Have you ever been high?from prescription drugs but like that were meant for me lol

Have you ever been drunk?never

Last thing you ate?sauteed mushrooms

Favorite lyrics right now"theres not enough wind in oklahoma to blow this old house to the ground” or something like that

Summer or winter?summer, but i dont hate winter

Day or night?night

Dark, milk, or white chocolate?milk

Favorite month?May

What is your zodiac signLeo

Who was the last person you cried in front of?@thegrimllama bc i was having a bad night and she skyped me until I fell asleep 

[spiffysixxsense]

NO THE ANON ASKED QUESTIONS BEFORE I DID THATS MY JOB :( DO ALL THE ONES YOU HAVENT DONE

1. You woke up naked next to the last person you texted, what would you say?

Good morning...? 

2. What’s going on between you and the last person you kissed?

We are happily together.

3. If your boyfriend or girlfriend was into drugs, would you care?

hard drugs? yes. Pot, I’d live with.

4. Is your last name longer than six letters?

My last name is in fact 6 letters.

5. Was your last kiss drunk or sober?

sober (as were the rest of them)

6. Have you ever wanted to have someone but you messed it up?

I don’t think so, it never got to the point of me having an opportunity to mess it up. & last time, it worked. ♥

7. What does your last received text say?

“I have my moments” 

8. How many times have you kissed the last person you kissed?

Approximately 5.964. (I have no idea, but a lot).

9. Where was your last kiss at?

My front door when he left. 

10. When is the last time you saw your sister?

Well this implies that I have a sister. 

11. What do you drink in the morning?

Powerade? or nothing

12. Where did you sleep last night?

In my own bed.

13. Do you think relationships are hard?

They require work, which I guess could be seen as hard. With the right person, it is worth it though. 

14. If you could go back and change something in the past 5 months, would you?

 Less procrastinating maybe, but Id put off changing it...

15. You’re locked in a room with the last person you kissed, any problems?

This sounds very ideal. (Yall are obsessed with the last person I kissed, huh?)

16. Would you rather it be sunny or rainy?

Depends on the day. More often than not, rainy though.

17. Do you know anyone with the same middle name as you? 

Yes I do, a friend’s brother. Shane Dawson does too, if that counts. 

18. Are you wearing jeans,sweatpants,or pajama pants?

Sweatpants

19. Do you think you will be in a relationship 3 years from now?

I surely hope so

20. Does anyone like you?

I surely hope so (Im looking at you Alex)

21. Have you ever kissed someone with a name that starts with an S?

I don’t believe so. 

22. Is the last person you kissed gay?

I hope not, I want him to like me. 

23. Is there a person you CANNOT stand?

Trump

24. Have you ever considered getting a tattoo?

Plethora of times.

25. In the past week have you cried?

I think so

26. What breed was the last dog you saw?

Husky, I wanted to steal him/her. 

27. Do you dry off in the shower or out of the shower?

I dry mostly In the shower because I don’t want to be cold, but then I lay in bed in a towel for hours before getting dressed...

28. Have you ever kissed a football player?

Sorta

29. Do you think you’re old?

In certain contexts, yes. 

30. Do you like text messaging?

With Alex, yes. other people, eh. 

31. What type of day are you having?

Filled with HECKS. 

32. Have you ever thought about getting your nose pierced?

No, I don’t need more attention brought to my huge nose. 

33. Do you prefer warm or cold weather?

Cold, but not to the point of painful air. 

34. Is there a person of the opposite sex who means a lot to you?

yes. 

35. Would you prefer a relationship or a fling?

relationship.

36. Are you a simple or complicated person?

complicated af, sorry everyone who deals with me. 

37. What song are you listening to?

“Keep the Dogs at Bay” - Seether

38. When you say you’re sorry do you mean it?

Yes, I say it as a defense mechanism alot, but I still mean it.

39. Is there a girl that knows everything or almost everything about you?

@x-i-a-t40. What made you start liking the person you like now?

His ability to make me laugh, and my sense of comfort with him.41. When did you last receive a text message? 

Feb. 22nd, 4:19 pm42. What is wrong with you right now?

Is that a rhetorical question? Lots of things. 43. How well do you know the last female you texted?

Well, including Kik, its @x-i-a-t and I think I know her pretty well. SMS only, it is my Granny, and I know her a good amount, I don’t know much about her past.44. Does anyone disgust you?

Trump?45. Would you date someone right now if they asked?

No, unless Alex asked?46. Are you in a good mood right now?

Not really, but I’m not upset either. 47. Who was the last person you talked to in person?

My Developmental Psychology Professor, he is known as Mr. Nugget.48. What color shirt are you wearing?

Plum Purple? Dark Magenta kinda? colors are hard.49. Has someone recently told you something you didn’t want to hear?

Professors, yes, lol.50. Anyone you’re giving up on?

If myself counts then yeah kinda. 51. Do you hate the person you fell hardest for?

No? I love him

52. Have you ever thought about giving up on someone but couldn’t?

Yes. 53. Do you like rain?

Yes.  54. Do you care if your boyfriend/girlfriend drinks?

Yes. Boy, bye. 55. Have you ever liked somebody and never told them?

In high school.  56. Do you like to cuddle?

With him, yes. 57. Are you shy?

In certain situations. Most of the time, not really.  58. Do you get along with girls?

I get along with most people, so yes.59. Have you dated the person you texted last?

Currently 60. What do you carry with you at all times?

My phone 61. If you were paid 1 million dollars to spend the night in a supposed haunted house, would you?

Hell yeah, Id sleep the whole time... come at me ghosties.  62. Do you think you can last in a relationship for five months?

yes? is that supposed to be hard? Currently at 7 months, but was previously in a relationship for 4 years.  63. Think back to October, were you in a relationship? 

Yes♥ 64. The person you like kisses you on the forehead, do you find this cute?

Of course. Its real convenient given our height difference. 65. Did anything “cute” happen in the last week?

He does cute things all the time. 

66. How old are the last three people you kissed?

20, 19, 23 (I think? maybe 22)

67. Would you rather pay to get your nails done or do them yourself?

Do them myself.     68. Which do you like better- Zebra print or leopard print?

Zebra.     69. Do you have any stickers on your car?  

Nope70. Would you rather listen to Luke Bryan or Lil Wayne? 

LUKE BRYAN   71. Blackberry, Android, or iPhone?    

Android

72. When’s the last time you had pizza from Pizza Hut?   

Valentine’s Day ♥ 73. Do you like diet soda?    

Not particularly 74. What color are the walls in your room?    

Poster colored. (Okay white & one blue but I haven’t seen my walls in years)75. Are you 16 or older?    

Yes.76. Do you watch Pretty Little Liars? 

No   77. Do you have a job?    

Yes  78. What are your initials?    

GLT79. Did you ever have braces?   

Yes :( 80. Are you from the south? 

 SOUTHern California count? no? Ill go 

81. What does your last status on facebook say?   

Ive never posted one 82. Do you still talk to the first person you ever kissed?   

Lol no 83. Are you closer to your mom or your dad?    

Mom84. Have you ever done cheerleading or gymnastics?    

LOL nope85. What’s the last movie you saw in theaters?  

Passengers 86. Do you smoke?    

No

87. Would you rather wear heels or flip flops?  

What am I doing? Probably heels, unless Im at work? lol  88. Is your phone touch screen?    

Yes89. Do you normally wear your hair straight or curly?  

Straight  90. Have you ever snuck out of your house?    

Once, Kinda? vague af I know91. Would you rather swim in a river, lake, or pool?   

Pool 92. Have you ever made out in a car?    

Yes93. …Had sex in a car?    

No94. Are you single or in a relationship?    

Wasnt this asked already? relationship. 95. What were you doing last night at midnight? 

Studying, also on the phone with Alex, I think.   96. When’s the last time you saw fireworks?    

Fourth of July I think.97. Do you like the camera on your phone?   

It’s fine 98. Have you ever had a friend with benefits?    

Nope99. Have you ever passed out from drinking?    

Nope100. Are you friends with people on facebook that you actually hate?   

Dislike sure, hates a little strong.  101. Have you ever had a pregnancy scare?    

Kinda102. Name your favorite Kesha song:    

Well Tik Tok is the only one I know, so I guess I am going with that one. 103. Do you have any tan lines right now?    

Kinda, very light though at this point. 104. Would you ever wear cowboy boots with shorts?

If I had cowboy boots, sure. 

[edgewaterfarmcsa]

week 3

pick-list:

Broccoli - Strawberries - Radishes - Arugula - Kohlrabi - Cilantro

This week the berries ripened, the broccoli was harvested, and rain fell! Hallelujah!  Also this week we got slammed on the internet, trash talked in the field (PYO)- and goodness knows what happened at the farmstand.  As I’ve discovered, farming during a pandemic can be rough.  Emotions run high, and there are varying opinions on maintaining healthy practices (especially when we are still learning about this virus).  BUT, thank goodness for the land!  Thank goodness for the crops! Our home along the Connecticut River Valley is pumping out food-  the fields are full- and we, your farmers, are here to grow and provide.

My original note to you all- the weekly CSA update- went into a rabbit hole of frustration.  And then I spent the morning harvesting radishes, cutting and bunching cilantro, and from there I moved onto broccoli and cut crown after crown until the bushels were good and full and the numbers were counted, and I was mostly done for the day.  

You see, the news and information are moving so fast that it feels like a full time job just to keep up.  BUT we don’t have time for that right now.  OUR days begin at 4:40 am 7 days a week.  At that time we move right to the fields to pick, and then to the pack-shed to wash and pack, and back to the fields to weed and plant, and at the end of the day- if we have anything left- we preserve.  Right now, our job is to grow food and for the most part we are damn good at it.  We clearly do not excel at customer service (except for you all at the farmstand, yall kick ass) or responding to emails, but we can feed a community and we can provide jobs, and if that’s the best that we can do, then it’s not half bad.  So despite the disgruntled remarks heard in the past 7 days about our COVID guidelines and customer service, (we’re doing the best we can) this is what I know: our days are packed, our crew is incredible, rain fell, we planted more kale, I had the first tomato of the season, yall remain the loveliest community of people to pick vegetables for (seriously, I’m very grateful to you all for signing on this season), and everything smells like strawberries.  

 TIPS - TRICKS - RECIPES:

Kohlrabi:

FUN FACT, it not everyone’s favorite veg.  In fact, as I was reaching peak buffness after slicing 3 kohlrabis in a row using a mandolin, my dear roommate/friend Rich commented, reason #17 why no one likes kohlrabi (hard to cut).  But let’s prove Rich wrong here people!!  Kohlrabi is beautiful and a pretty fast grower compared to its sister vegetable, the cabbage.  As a result you can use kohlrabi to make early season kraut, slaw, etc… I made the following recipe the other night, and it became an easy favorite, and Rich approved.  

Kohlrabi "bulbs" fall somewhere between the size of golf balls and softballs. The smaller they are, the sweeter they are, which is desirable for this recipe since you're serving them raw.

¼ cup tahini

1 tablespoon honey

4 tablespoons olive oil, divided

1 teaspoon finely grated lemon zest

2 tablespoons fresh lemon juice, divided

Kosher salt

½ cup coarsely chopped mint

1 tablespoon finely chopped chives

⅓ cup finely chopped toasted pistachios

3 medium kohlrabies (about 2 pounds total), peeled, thinly sliced on a mandoline

1 tablespoon white wine vinegar

Mix tahini, honey, 2 Tbsp. oil, and 1 Tbsp. lemon juice in a small bowl to combine; season with salt.

Toss mint, chives, pistachios, and remaining 2 Tbsp. oil in a large bowl; season with salt. Add kohlrabies, vinegar, lemon zest, and remaining 1 Tbsp. lemon juice; toss to combine. Taste and season with more salt if needed.

Spread tahini mixture over plates; top with kohlrabi salad.

Serves 2 as a side

1 pound fresh broccoli

3 tablespoons olive oil, divided

1/2 teaspoon coarse or kosher salt

A few pinches of pepper flakes, to taste

Finely grated zest of half a lemon, or more to taste

1 large or 2 small garlic cloves, minced

Juice of half a lemon, or more to taste, to finish

Heat oven to 425°F (220°C).

Prep your broccoli: Wash broccoli well — seriously, there is always a stem-colored worm hidden in the florets when I buy organic or from a farmer’s market, hooray for fewer pesticides! — and pat dry. Slice straight through the broccoli stem(s) as close to the crown of florets as possible. The crown should naturally break into several large florets, and you can cut these down into more manageable chunks. I find that less mess is made and less broccoli rubble is lost when I cut not down through the florets tops to halve chunks but up through the attached stems. (See 2nd photo above.) After cutting through the stem, I use my hands to break the floret the rest of the way in two. Don’t let the stems go to waste. I peel off the tough outer skin and knots and cut the stems into 1/2-inch segments; they cook up wonderfully this way, and at the same speed as the florets.

Drizzle the first tablespoon of oil over your baking sheet or roasting pan and brush or roll it around so it’s evenly coated. In a large bowl, toss prepared florets and stems with remaining olive oil, garlic, pepper flakes, salt and lemon zest until they’re evenly coated. Spread broccoli in an even layer in prepared pan.

Roast for 20 minutes, then use a spatula to flip and move pieces around for even cooking. Roast another 10 to 15 minutes, checking every 5, until broccoli is toasty and as crisp as you like it. (As you can see, we like a serious char on ours.)

From the oven, taste a floret for seasoning and add more salt and pepper flakes if needed. Shower with fresh lemon juice and eat immediately, as-is or follow one of the adventures below.

7 More Insanely Delicious Things To Do With Crispy Broccoli

Give it the pangrattato and crispy egg treatment that we tossed with spaghetti in February, for a most excellent full meal.

Give it the escarole salad with pickled red onions treatment — pecorino and hazelnuts ground together and sprinkled on the vegetables, plus some pickled onion ringlets. You can skip the lemon, as the pickling juices provide sufficient tangy contrast.

Smash the broccoli between two slices of grilled bread with burrata, fresh mozzarella or even crumbled goat cheese.

Skip the lemon juice and instead finish the broccoli with sesame-miso dressing. Sprinkle with toasted black and white sesame seeds.

Finish it with this lemon-garlic-tahini dressing. And why not some crispy chickpeas and chopped pistachios, too?

Can you imagine David Chang’s Fish Sauce Vinaigrette on these? I can hardly handle how delicious it would be.

Finally, this could easily be riffed into a bowl with quinoa or another grain.

[thehappyhourguys]

Drinking in Korea: Update from the Blonde Guy.

Editor's note: More from our 'Adjunct Faculty'! The Blonde Guy has recently returned from Korea, and to celebrate his feet replanting on American soil, we present a series of his observations from those Eastern shores. Enjoy!

Hello Happy Hour Nation! 

Well, I guess now we are technically Happy Hour WORLD!  How cool does that sound!?  Last we spoke I left you all in the sleepy town of Daegu with a briefing on the craft scene here in Korea.  Since then we made our way to eight more cities in Korea, I teamed up with a Korean brewery to make a beer, and made we it back to the states!  Now, becausenot all of these cities were very "craft-forward" (and also due to an inconvenient stomach bug), there won't be a comprehensive breakdown on each city.  I will, however, leave yall a list of top bars that were found either by comrades or myself at the end of the post with links to each if you find yourself thirsty in Korea.  Whew, ok with all that being said time to dive into my favorite city we have been to outside of Seoul...  *We hear the king of travel, food, and booze, Anthony Bourdain, starting to narrate...

 Anthony

    "Busan, South Korea.  The second most populated city in the secluded Korean Peninsula. It boasts a sprawling coastline, an exciting culinary scene, and only recently, craft beer."

    Thanks, Tony. We'll send your check in the mail.**

    In all seriousness, Busan is not only the fifth largest port town in the world but one of the most beautiful cities I've ever visited, and definitely the most beautiful in Korea.  Bridges over the ocean connecting the downtown business center with the beachside restaurants, and a vast array of architecture create a skyline that requires taking an obscene amount of photos. (See obscene amount of photos below)

Only three blocks west of Namcheon Beach lays the headquarters of the aptly named, Galmegi Brewing Company. Galmegi (Korean for "seagull." Get it? Seagulls are on the beach... just like the brewery... ) started in a third story bar space and now is housed in a old surf shop that has been repurposed into a full fledged micro brewery and restaurant.  With 12 of their own, rotating, beers on tap you can bet that anyone from a craft-beer-virgin to a certified Cicerone will find something they enjoy.  Some favorites from my December visit were:

Yuja Gose, a deliciously dry and salty Gose brewed with Yuzu to give it a nice citrus snap. 

Winter Ale:Winter warmer style with the perfect balance of Ginger and cinnamon, a favorite amongst the cast that was with me as it was the day after Christmas. F

Galmegi IIPA and IPA: The Galmegi IPA is one of their best selling beers and honestly one of the most solid IPA's I've had to date.  It sits at a mid-low ABV so you can have a few at the beach and gives you the perfect, balanced, hop-forward flavor profile you want from an IPA.  Now their IIPA... Oooo their IIPA.  When I sat down and chatted with their CEO, Steven Allsopp, he poured a chalice of this sweet elixir for me to try and I almost wept.  I was immediately swept away through clouds made of flowers and citrus on tiny magic carpets made of hops and bubbles before landing softly in a peach orchard.  Seriously folks, I thought he had poured me a Heady Topper or Sip O' Sunshine this beer was so good.  Galmegi IIPA is only brewed a few times a year, so if you find yourself in Busan while it's on tap consider buying a growler or two or ten of this truly masterful execution of the IIPA style.

Galmegi paved the way for craft to take wing in Busan with Gorilla Brewing opening down the block and Akitu Brewing Company headquartering just outside of the metro area opening shortly after Galmegi hit the city's palate. British company, Owl and Pussycat, also opened a bar right on the beach offering a wide array of international and domestic brews and artisan dishes, and a bottle shop of the same nomenclature right across the street from Galmegi's flagship location.  This beach oasis was quickly climbing to the top of my list of favorite cities. 

Another exciting opportunity presented itself while visiting Busan: brewing my very first beer!  I presented the idea of brewing a Jekyll and Hyde themed beer (a la Broadway Brews) to Galmegi CEO, Steven Allsopp, on our first night of meeting and he loved the idea.  Two days later we nailed down a recipe and the day after that I met him at the brewery early in the morning for a full day of brewing!  

    We decided to make a sweet and spicy beer, incorporating the theme of duality from the show, using caramely(is this a word? It is now) German malt, and Korean chilis from a local market.  After transferring everything to the fermentation tank, Steve brought out a huge surprise for me: the magical yeast we would be using to turn our work into beer were the same creatures that are used at Alchemist Brewing to make HEADY TOPPER.  Yes, THE Heady Topper. The perfect micro organisms were pumped into the tank and we left it for two weeks to let them feast on the sugar, and poop out their delicious phenols and esters.  It was distributed throughout Busan and to a couple bars in the many neighborhoods of Seoul and surprisingly well received by the craft community in both cities! So much so that Galmegi almost went through every keg before I could get my hands on it!

    Jekyll and Hyde had a beautiful peach and pepper aroma with a sinister red hue. At first sip you get a malt forward flavor with a hint of the peach and rye.  It then evolves into the "Hyde" profile with a dry Korean gochu (chili pepper) kick at the end.  Not going to lie, this beer is weird (in a good way, like people who like to run for fun... Jimmy) but rolling in at 5.5% ABV this brew is goes down surprisingly easy even with the spicy finish. Topping the list of reasons why this beer is great is that we are donating a dollar from every pint sold at the brewery to a local orphanage in Busan.  Unfortunately Galmegi doesn't have a canning or bottling system yet so there wasn't a way to get it back to the states.

It pained us all to leave this beautiful beach town, but alas, we had to move on with the show. The cities that we traveled through from Busan to our two and a half month sit down in Seoul varied with what they had to offer in the craft beverage department.  I also experienced food poisoning and a back injury that required me to take medicine that prevented me from drinking for about a month all together.  So my beer expertise is not so high on some cities, however I was incredibly lucky to have a craft cohort, Ian Jon Bourg, on this journey who never failed to look into more beer places to check out and is to thank for the lists below.

    Like I said above, we have just now completed the run of the show and returned to the states.  This is a short update so stay tuned for a "Korea in Retrospect" post in the coming weeks after the exciting Broadway Brews news.  Believe me, there is A LOT, to report on from my stay in Seoul. A LOT.

Cheers,

Tim, AKA The Blonde Guy

Daejeon - 

The Ranch Pub - https://m.facebook.com/ranchpubdaejeon/

Cheonan - 

Tap Five - https://m.facebook.com/TAP-5-FIVE-1452013848381909/

Plate and Ale - http://mollakorea.com/detail.php?number=1741&category=1129

Gimhae  

BAOBAB - http://www.baobabfam.com/front/store/store_view.php?no=6&page=1&area=%EA%B2%BD%EB%82%A8&areaNo=9&area2=%EA%B9%80%ED%95%B4%EC%8B%9C&service=

Beerlab Project 2 Korea Craft Beer Pub - https://m.facebook.com/borimarutaphouse

Gwangju

First Alleyway - http://firstalleyway.com

AfterWorks - https://m.facebook.com/afterworks.brewpub/

Wheat Field Brewing co. - https://m.facebook.com/pages/%EB%B0%80%EB%B0%AD%EC%96%91%EC%A1%B0%EC%9E%A5-Wheat-Field-Brewing-co/1022959184436639

**Anthony Bourdain was not in anyway contacted for this article.  However, if he reads this, please contact us so we can travel, eat, and drink.

[edgewaterfarmcsa]

FALL CSA WEEK 7

Again, posted one week late on account of holidays, internet breaks, family time, etc…

SINCEREST APOLOGIES TO THOSE COUNTING ON THESE RECIPES FOR THE BIG THANKSGIVING EVENT!!

Pick List:  

Celery - Brussel sprouts - Lettuce - Potatoes - Gold Beets - Shallots - Acorn Squash - 

Blue Hubbard Squash - Garlic - Kale - Celeriac - Watermelon Radish- Onions - Cayenne 

KITCHEN LIST:

Em’s favorite BREAD - HUMMUS (choice of beet, carrot, or garlic scape) - Hot Sauce or Plum Sauce   

Here we go week 7!  THANKSGIVING IS HERE!  My belly is still full from last week’s massive sweet potatoes, spinach (when creamed), and green tomatoes (when fried). Please have your elastic waist sweatpants ready as we move into THANKSGIVING DINNER and the holiday season!  

Before I give you all the love and appreciation you deserve I am going to address the lack of carrots in your FALL bounty.  ACTUAL CROP FAIL. Yes, we are selling carrots to the co-op, but sadly we barely have enough to keep the orders going. Our last seeding was done too late and as a result they never grew much bigger than my pinky finger.  And then the surface ground froze and they tasted like hollow wet shell of a carrot (I know, because i gave it a try). BLECH. Such a bummer for you, for me, for the farm. But that is the deal. As a result I will continue to bask in the glory of our sweet potato crop and sing its praises so you completely forget about the lack of carrots.  

And now, some words of extreme gratitude.  This season I was blown away by the support our CSA team received from our Field Crew.  Every week, I would write the pick-list, come to work ready to harvest, and BOOM, it was done.  BIG CHEERS TO OUR FIELD CREW. Also, I have a ton of gratitude to the raddest Allie and Natalie, who picked up my slack when I left promptly at 4:30pm to get dinner going for the little people in my life.  And OF COURSE ALL OF YOU EDGEWATER FARM DIEHARDS! Holy smokes yall, I am completely indebted to you as your interest and support of our CSA turns out to be real job security for me. I joke (kind of). I often think I am the luckiest one on this farm.  I get to grow vegetables, pick them, and pack them for THE ACTUAL BEST COMMUNITY. The energy I get from all of you as you enter the farmstand or pick up your Summer Share is so lovely and the emails I get are so supportive. THANK-YOU. As we start thinking ahead to the Summer harvest (2020) we will do what we can to grow and improve our CSA.  Stay tuned for early bird CSA sign-up specials for the coming season! I plan to update the website by December 7th so you have enough time to get that special Edgewater Farm die-hard a little something special for the holidays. CHEERS to all of you! 

TIPS - TRICKS - RECIPES

Roasted Brussels Sprouts with Maple Miso Dijon Dressing

½ cup pecans, coarsely chopped

1½ pounds Brussels sprouts, ends trimmed, halved

6 tablespoons extra-virgin olive oil, divided, divided

Kosher salt

Freshly ground black pepper

2 tablespoons GREY POUPON Classic Dijon mustard

2 tablespoons mild or sweet miso

1 tablespoon pure maple syrup

4 teaspoons apple cider vinegar

Place a rack in upper and lower thirds of oven; preheat to 425°. Arrange pecans on a small rimmed baking sheet. Place sheet on upper rack and toast pecans until golden and fragrant, 6–8 minutes. Let cool.

Toss Brussels sprouts and 3 Tbsp. oil on a large rimmed baking sheet; season with salt and pepper. Arrange sprouts, cut sides down, on baking sheet.

Roast Brussels sprouts on bottom rack, rotating sheet once, until tender and browned all over, 15–20 minutes.

Meanwhile,, whisk mustard, miso, maple syrup, and vinegar in a small bowl.

Gradually whisk in remaining 3 Tbsp. oil until dressing is thick and emulsified, then whisk in 3 Tbsp. water to thin. Season with salt and pepper.

Once Brussels sprouts are cool enough to handle, transfer to a platter and drizzle with miso dressing. Top with toasted pecans.

UNWASHED POTATOES:

Keep these babies unwashed and stored in a cool dry dark place to elongate their shelf life

 BLUE HUBBARD SQUASH:

Believe it or not, this is the most superior squash.  It will store for MONTHS. When ready to eat, I recommend taking a machete or chainsaw to the skin.  Or better, drop down your stairs. However to avoid an indoor mess, chuck out your window onto concrete (this skin is tough as nails). BLUE HUBBARD - DOES-NOT-MESS-AROUND.  

 WATERMELON RADISH:

To impress all your friends, peel this root, chop or dice, or mandolin, and at it to all your salads- it’s a real show stopper.  Just stunning. Also noteworthy, it might be Pooh Sprague’s favorite FALL crop. A real diamond in the rough (of his root cellar).

Mashed Celeriac with Truffle Oil and Deep-Fried Apple Bits

(thankyou Sarah for this crucial celeriac reminder!!)

3 large celery roots, peeled and cubed

2 Idaho potatoes, peeled and cubed

1 pint light cream

2 tablespoons butter (¼ stick)

2 tablespoons salt

2 tablespoons truffle oil (optional if unavailable)

2 crisp apples, cored, peeled and diced fine

¼ cup all-purpose flour

½ cup vegetable oil

Boil cubed celery root and potato in a large covered pot until soft. Drain thoroughly and return to pot. Add cream, butter, salt and truffle oil, and mash and whip until integrated and smooth.

Dredge the diced apple in the flour. Add ½ cup of oil to a saute pan and heat over high heat until smoking. Add apple bits and “flash” fry (quickly over high heat) until crisp, about 2 minutes. Drain on paper towels.

To serve, reheat the mashed celeriac until warmed through, transfer to a bowl and sprinkle the apple bits over the top.

BEET & BLOOD ORANGE SPICE SMOOTHIE

(because i expect you will all need a next day post thanksgiving cool down)

Notes: Only use a raw beet if you have a high speed blender like a Vitamix.

-I love freezing my segments of citrus for smoothies because it adds to the frothy texture.

-Other add-ins that are great for rounding this smoothie out nutritionally: 1 teaspoon of flax/chia seeds, a big handful of mild greens like baby spinach, 

1 cup non-dairy milk (I used coconut)

1 medium beet, peeled and diced (cooked or raw–see headnote)

1 small blood orange, peeled and torn into segments (see note about freezing)

½ banana

1 tablespoon almond butter

½ teaspoon ground cinnamon

¼ teaspoon ground cardamom

⅛ teaspoon ground nutmeg

¼ teaspoon sea salt

big squeeze of lemon juice

ice (optional)

In an upright blender, combine the non-dairy milk, diced beet, blood orange, banana, almond butter, cinnamon, cardamom, nutmeg, salt, lemon juice, and ice (if using). Bring the speed up to high and blend until completely smooth. Enjoy immediately.

[edgewaterfarmcsa]

CSA WEEK 12

Pick List:

corn - plum tomatoes - cherry tomatoes - garlic - watermelon - candy stripe pepper -

eggplant - hot pepper - carrots - ZINNIAS!

 KITCHEN CSA:

Broccoli Cheddar Soup

Heading into Labor Day weekend with lots of laboring on our minds… so this week I’m drawing from Pooh Sprague’s latest blog post.  Also, for those that don’t know, Pooh you should get to know him. He and Anne started this farm back in 1974 and as a result, he is a wealth of knowledge.  Unfortunately he is hard to peg down- we’ve often thought about installing a gps tracking device in his arm as he is one to ride tractor all day, with his phone left behind on the kitchen table- it’s unclear if this move is actually an “oh whoops” moment or not.  Regardless, if you have farming on the brain or have questions about growing techniques or soil health- Talk to Pooh. For more insight on our farm from Pooh’s perspective check out the blog -Pooh's Corner- up on our website.

August 6th, 2018… he refers to lots of photos, see actual blog post for actual photos

Occasionally while racing around the farm I have to pull up and stop and stare at a vista. I refer to this phenomena as a “whoa” moment,  primarily because I get temporarily disoriented as to where I am chronologically in the seasons. This photo of the tomatoes is an example, because I took a picture of them last week and they were less than a foot high and we hadn’t staked them. “It seemed like only yesterday”, the old saying goes. But of course, it was not. Here we are in August, and we are now harvesting cherry tomatoes and the plums for canning are  ripening up.

The summer goes like that. This one seemingly more so. Alternately dragging on through the drought of the earlier part, we are faced with the struggle of balancing the harvest with the tail end of  a planting season that goes on into early September. Although the sun is back heading south in the sky, the work days are at their longest as we deal with picking fruit and vegetables and trying to find a home for them. This year we are shorthanded as 5 individuals who approached us for summer and fall employment and we hired, decided in the eleventh hour not to show up for the first day. That has put serious demands on the remaining crew and Ray’s ability to manage what takes place in the daily field activities. That said, we have a pretty good crew that seems to be working well and efficiently together, and they seem pretty happy. It would be nice to have the weeds under control and to be doing things in a timely fashion, but I will take a good working atmosphere any day.

Just want to take a minute  to recognize one of our long term employees. This relationship is so long because I first met him as a 5 year old in 1956. He had come to my Dad’s farm to work as a herdsman for the 40-50 cows that we were milking in Hillsboro. His name is George Cilley, he resides and in the house he grew up in in Bradford, NH. George commutes back and forth daily during the spring and summer and is our go-to guy for tractor and mowing work. He is one of those people for whom a good day of work and having something accomplished defines who he is. Although he is 87, he is patient, sharp, a self starter (if he breaks something, you don’t hear about it unless he can not fix it himself) and can still plow a cleaner, straighter furrow than Ray, myself or Mike. He can also fix old chairs, leaky faucets and happy to run to the Pioneer Valley for  plants or parts if need be. He has as much pride in the good works and efforts as Anne, Sarah, Jenny, Mike or Ray has he does in his own. We had another retiree much like him. Eugene “Pep “ Chabot showed up the day he retired from the Hanover road crew at 66. Put in another 26 years picking vegetables and berries for us, and it was a sad day when he said he had to quit because his eyesight was failing him. Where are these guys? What is the attraction about golf courses and the concept of formal retirement that they resist? Maybe we have just been ultra fortunate to have had the help and wisdom of these highly motivated oldsters.

In other news, The new storage and pack barn is so near completion that we are already occupying it. When the crew from Ag Structures showed up on March 1st, I had serious doubts that we would be in it by the first of July, especially when winter dragged on for extra innings.  But Jake and Jason made it happen and we are grateful. It has been a large project for us and at times a distraction from the demands of the seasonal work. When we first started on this farm in 1974, it was more about taking down collapsing sheds and buildings. It was strictly chainsaw carpentry:  a couple of guys with some old telephone poles, rough pine and no real carpentry skills When I see how much space we have occupied in the new expanse I am amazed how we were ever able to function in the other smaller barn. All this was driven by food safety mandates and the need to protect fall root crops and store them. But the efficiencies and improvement in ergonomics has definitely improved everyone's disposition. And even the little people are enjoying it as well …there are small Radio Flyers in there and you can refer to the lower photo of Admiral Hobbs, the U Boat commander, who seems to be enjoying his new ride. So far, all good….

So as we spin towards fall, we are just trying to stay in the groove. Hopefully the weather (which has been a rollercoaster of late) will not deal us any lethal blows and we can get the fall crops up and out of the field. There is some ancient machinery that needs to function to make that happen, and maybe with the help of a few extra bodies that may yet arrive, perhaps we can slide into Thanksgiving without getting spiked.  I am sure to awaken to a few more “Whoa” moments about the farm when I am caught off guard by the flight of time. At those times I often reminded of the words to a Talking Heads song……” same as it ever was, same as it ever was..”

 TIPS - TRICKS - RECIPES:

Serves: 4

Adapted slightly from Ottolenghi's Plenty(Chronicle Books, 2011)

Yall, i think i hook you up with this recipe year after year because i am continually shocked by the power of corn here.  It really and truly breaks down into a delicious polenta and on top of everything else, it’s just so damn easy to make and as a result, you feel like a super-hero for making an Ottolenghi dish.  

Eggplant Sauce

⅔ cup vegetable oil 1 medium eggplant, cut into 3/4-inch dice

2 teaspoons tomato paste ¼ cup dry white wine

1 cup chopped peeled tomatoes (fresh or canned) 6 1/2tablespoons water

¼ teaspoon salt ¼ teaspoon sugar

1 tablespoon chopped oregano

 Heat up the oil in a large saucepan and fry the eggplant on medium heat for about 15 minutes, or until nicely brown. Drain off as much oil as you can and discard it -- the safest way to do this is to scoop out the eggplant to a plate using a slotted spoon, then pour off the oil into a bowl before adding the eggplant back in. You can save the oil to fry lamb chops or eggs in tomorrow.

Add the tomato paste to the pan and stir with the eggplant. Cook for 2 minutes, then add the wine and cook for 1 minute. Add the chopped tomatoes, water, salt, sugar and oregano and cook for a further 5 minutes to get a deep-flavored sauce. Set aside; warm it up when needed.

Polenta

6 ears of corn 2 ¼ cups water

3 tablespoons butter, diced 7 ounces feta, crumbled

¼ teaspoon salt 1 pinch Black pepper

 Remove the leaves and "silk" from each ear of corn, then chop off the pointed top and stalk. Use a sharp knife to shave off the kernels -- either stand each ear upright on its base and shave downward, or lay each ear on its side on a cutting board to slice off the kernels. You want to have 1 1/4 pounds kernels.

Place the kernels in a medium saucepan and barely cover them with the water. Cook for 12 minutes on a low simmer. Use a slotted spoon to lift the kernels from the water and into a food processor; reserve the cooking liquid.

Process them for quite a few minutes, to break as much of the kernel case as possible. Add some of the cooking liquid if the mixture becomes too dry to process.

Now return the corn paste to the pan with the cooking liquid and cook, while stirring, on low heat for 10 to 15 minutes, or until the mixture thickens to mashed potato consistency. (Be aware that if you have a lot of liquid left in the pan, it can take a while to cook down the polenta, and it will sputter. Consider holding back some or all of the liquid. Alternately, if you like the consistency after processing, you can skip to step 5.)

Fold in the butter, the feta, salt and some pepper and optionally cook for a further 2 minutes. Taste and add more salt if needed.