#and then there's quantum computing itself...

[random2908]

Ok, trying to find sources for these, because... what??

First pic, most of the attributions are for Google's Sycamore quantum computer (from last year). One attribution says it's an illustration of a future proposal, which seems more likely, although to me it just looks like pure fantasy. Anyway, the Sycamore computer, at ~30-70 functional bits (depending on what source you read), obviously can't do much. Google has reported that it can solve in seconds what would take a conventional computer years, but IBM replied that that's only true if you do it a really, really stupid way on a conventional computer.

Second pic, as best I can tell from a lot of googling, is a pic of IBM's refrigerator for their quantum computer.

Third pic is D-Wave, known con artists, although I don't know if the pic itself is fraudulent or just the technology it's purporting to be a picture of.

Fourth pic is IBM's refrigerator again.

Fifth pic doesn't even look like a photo, I'm not sure I should even bother a reverse image search on it... but ok. Ok, found the attribution, it's Midjourney.

Sixth pic is part of a quantum computer in a German research lab, but I can't find any details on it, other than that it's 10 qubits (so probably less than 1 functional bit). It appears to basically be a bunch of SMA cables that are disconnected on one end (I would say, $20 each from Digikey, except they're probably vacuum-compatible, so they probably instead cost 10x that much from Accu-Glass), some wires tied up neatly, and a bit of support structure, much of which is gold-plated.

why did no one tell me quantum computers looked like that

[littlcdarlin]

Event Horizon

summary: When you start university to do your master’s in physics, you are more than surprised to meet your professor: Joel Miller, an old friend of your parents' who moved away years ago. word–count: 15k warnings: professor kink, power imbalance due to Joel being reader's professor, illegal relationship (overage & consenting), dbf!Joel, big fat age gap (unspecified but written with early 20s & mid 50s in mind), unprotected piv, just overall daddy issues (no use of the word daddy)

note: Okay, time to tell you I am a big nerd and studied physics in uni. Truth is, I quit to pursue a career in the arts, so my knowledge of masters level physics is...a little rusty. Please be lenient with me if I messed anything up. Also, I know most people hate physics, but I promise Joel makes it hot. Warning: explanation of the Dirac equation as foreplay. Also, I'm European and have no fucking clue how the American education system works but I don't care enough to do research. Enjoy <3333

event horizon noun ASTRONOMY a notional boundary around a black hole beyond which no light or other radiation can escape. a point of no return.

Uni felt different at eighteen, when everything was about moving out, drinking beer at frat parties, and kissing boys who didn’t grow up in the same town you did. It was an exciting time, the degree itself fading into the background of all sorts of new experiences, but now that you’re doing your masters, you plan on focusing on your your grades more than on partying.

You enrolled in a new university, farther away from home, with a better physics program, and although you’ve grown up considerably, you still feel that tingle of anxiety you did when you first walked to your dorm, fresh out of high school. This time you won’t have to share with another student, spending your saved money on a bit of privacy that is a single dorm room, but still, you wonder if you’ll make friends here, or if you’ll spend your night hauled up alone, watching trash TV and crying because you’re lonely.

The room is small, blank, but functional with a bathroom you share with another student and a small kitchenette, and immediately you dream of all the ways you could decorate it. You didn’t bring much, just a big suitcase and a few boxes your Dad dropped off earlier. You feel slightly guilty for leaving your parents behind, but the relief outweighs the guilt – you won’t have to come home every Sunday for dinner, visits will be scarce. You love you parents, but the distance is much needed.

You get to unpacking your clothes, reveling in the fact that you can listen to music without headphones in your very own space. You could do it in your underwear, or naked, you could sing and dance along, and nobody would be bothered by it. It’s going to be a tough two years, the program you chose more than challenging, but a childish sort of giddiness fills you – no roommate to be considerate of, no parents to visit and take care of every week. This time in your life is about you, and only you – your career, but also your well-being. You promise yourself to do what makes you happy, instead of looking out for everyone else all of the time, and you’ll start by ordering Thai food and watching the trashiest movie with the hottest actors you can find on the little flatscreen you brought with you.

***

Your first lecture is Computational Physics – the one you’re looking forward to the least. The reason you decided to study physics at all was the predictable logic behind each problem, but the more you studied, the more complex the problems got, until they were impossible to solve analytically. Now you get to solve fluid dynamic equations and simulate quantum systems on a Monday morning instead of having a peaceful cup of coffee and taking a walk around campus.

The lecture hall is big, and you pick a seat that is neither too far away to be able to read the professor’s notes, nor close enough to immediately be pinned as an over-eager teacher’s pet. In the end, you plop down next to a girl who’s sitting alone, something about her shaved head and countless earrings making you think she wouldn’t make fun of you even if you didn’t understand a single thing all lecture.

"Okay if I sit here?", you ask somewhat timidly, trying hard not to sound too much like an eleven year old Ron Weasley boarding the train to Hogwarts.

"Please," the girl answers, "I don’t know anybody here."

"Did you move here, too?"

"Yeah, I’m from New York."

"You look it," you say with a smile, eyes drifting over her clothes and jewelry.

"Thanks…I guess?", she answers, her grin revealing a charming gap between her front teeth. "I’m Alva."

You introduce yourself, thankful to have found someone you can stick to already. Throughout the lecture you find out that apart from being much cooler than everyone else in the room, Alva has a biting sense of humor, and a near endless knowledge of computational physics. You make a mental note to ask her to study together, her explanations much easier to understand than the professor’s.

The two of you spend your lunch break together, and you tell her a little bit about yourself, but way too soon it’s time to go already – you have Advanced Quantum Mechanics in a different lecture hall. This you find way more interesting, basic quantum mechanics was one of your favorite lectures during your bachelor’s degree. As Alva and you sit down, you find yourself hoping you’ll be able to help her out this time, or you’d feel like a leech for making her help you with Computational. She doesn’t seem bothered, though, and keeps babbling happily about a band she recently discovered.

"– Britpop, but they only put out two albums. I think they were like a student band or something? They’re wildly underrated, I’ll send you a song, their debut is called The Sun Is Often Out."

Your thoughts start to wander off a little, eyes drifting over the old-fashioned chalkboards, when the door at the front of the lecture hall opens, and a tall man walks in – a man you recognize.

"Holy shit," you whisper, interrupting Alva’s rant about the Longpigs, and she turns her head to look at what you’re staring at.

"Damn," she says with a grin, "if I wasn’t gay, I’d want a piece of that."

"No," you snort, "I know him. He’s my Dad’s friend."

Alva opens her mouth to say something, but at that moment, Joel Miller steps forward, checking to see if the microphone is working, and introduces himself to the hundreds of students in front of him. His voice is deep, and as warm as you remember it, but that’s where the accuracy of your memories ends – your childish brain failed to register the tanned forearms and rolled up sleeves, the carelessly styled curls, the perfect side-profile. He’s got grey streaks in his hair now, which should send you into a crisis about time passing and your own little life being finite, but instead it makes your stomach swirl with something dangerous. Joel Miller, the Joel Miller, who organized backyard barbecues with your father and bought your favorite vegan sausages when your Dad rolled his eyes at you, who made strawberry lemonade instead of lemon, because he knew you preferred it, who helped you with your physics homework when you were graduating high school and didn’t rat you out when he caught you smoking at seventeen – he’s handsome.

There’s still a familiarity about him, the way he moves and talks, although it’s unsettling to see him in such a different environment. You’re used to band-tee-Joel, beer bottle and tongs in his hands, a breezy smile on his face. He looks different here, in a white button-down, with a stern expression on his face, as he’s reading the names on his list to check attendance. When he calls Alva’s name and she raises her hand, his eyes flicker upwards, but he doesn’t look at you. Still, your stomach lurches. If you listen carefully, you can detect that southern twang in his voice you’re sure most people would miss, and it fills you with satisfaction to know you’re the one who knows him best in this room – you’re sure half the lecture hall must see how attractive he is.

When he reads out your name, there’s a surprised lilt to his tone, and your heart threatens to skip a beat.

"Here."

Your eyes meet, and although his expression doesn’t change, he holds your eyecontact for a second too long. Alva nudges your side and grins.

Your plans about outshining Alva and returning the favor of helping with a lecture are quickly buried by Joel Miller’s beautiful hands – thick fingers holding a piece of chalk almost tenderly, twirling it around when he isn’t writing on the chalkboard. You vaguely register him introducing the Dirac equation, but as interesting as you would normally find it, your thoughts are stuck between memories of barbecues and the realization that you will have to call the man who taught you to drive Professor Miller.

If Alva notices your wandering mind, she doesn’t comment on it, which you’re thankful for. You do notice her throwing you a couple of knowing glances, as you copy down what Joel is writing down, mixing up gamma, delta, and the Dirac spinor.

"Alright, so you all know how Schrödinger’s equation works great for quantum mechanics, but it doesn’t play nicely with Einstein’s relativity, right? That’s a problem because electrons move fast, sometimes close to the speed of light, so we need an equation that respects both quantum mechanics and special relativity. That’s where Dirac steps in."

He’s still got that warm way of explaining things your Dad never managed when you needed help in high school, like he enjoys clearing things up for people. He’s a born teacher, patient when you panicked in the car because you confused the clutch and the break, persistent when you wanted to throw your physics book against a wall. Look, kid, think of it this way: Push harder, it moves faster. Make it heavier, it’s harder to move. If you apply a force F to an object with mass m, it will accelerate a. That’s why your Dad’s car takes longer to stop than your bike. Even now, he manages to make a far more complex equation than Newton’s second law tangible.

"Dirac's equation is like the grown-up version of Schrödinger’s equation. It explains how particles with spin-half, like electrons, behave when they move at relativistic speeds. The gamma mu matrices make sure the equation works in four-dimensional spacetime, meaning three space dimensions plus time. The psi is a spinor, which is just a fancy way of saying that an electron isn’t just a simple wave function, it actually has spin built into its nature. Now, can anyone think of a situation where we would need to use this equation instead of the regular Schrödinger equation?"

Nobody raises their hand, most people still busy with writing down Joel’s complicated notes, and as if on cue, his eyes are on yours when you look up from your notebook. He raises an eyebrow, and you see the corner of his mouth twitch almost imperceptibly. Then, he calls your last name, a formal Miss dripping off his tongue as if he hasn’t called you kiddo for most of your life. It’s almost like he’s making a joke only the two of you are able to understand, and the thought thrills you to your bone. Two can play this game – you smile back.

"Sure, Professor Miller. You’d use it for studying high-energy particles, like electrons in particle accelerators, because it accounts for relativistic speeds. It’s also needed for situations where particles are created or destroyed, which Schrödinger’s equation doesn’t cover."

Again, his eyes linger on yours, and his slightly amused smile turns into a more genuine one at your answer. You let out a relieved sigh.

"Exactly," Joel answers, his attention on the rest of the class again, "Someone payed attention during Basic Quantum Mechanics. Now, here’s where it gets wild. When Dirac wrote this down, he realized it naturally predicts antiparticles, meaning for every electron, there should be a mirror-image particle with opposite charge, which we now call the positron. That was a huge deal because it wasn’t something people were expecting, it just fell out of the math."

For the rest of the class, Joel doesn’t continue that little game between the two of you, but whenever he asks a question, his gaze flickers over you, and your stomach gives an embarrassing little jump. Alva grins whenever this happens, but for most of the class she’s busy following Joel’s explanations.

"I want you to read up on today’s lecture," Joel says at the end of the lecture, and writes down a few page numbers on the chalkboard, "and solve the problems I mentioned earlier. Attendance isn’t mandatory, we’re all adults here, but I urge you to come if you’re interested in graduating in the next three years. Trust me, it’s easier to just do the work here than in your dorms. Now, enjoy the weather, see you Monday."

You and Alva pack up your things, and before she can ask you which class you have next, you pick up your backpack.

"I’m gonna say hi to him," you tell her, nodding in Joel’s direction, "my Dad and him go way back."

"Sure," Alva says, a cheeky smile on her face, "it’d be rude not to."

"Meet you outside?"

"I’ll be at the vending machine. Go get him," she jokes, and you snort.

Joel is packing up his course materials when you make your way down the steps and to his desk, but he looks up when he hears you coming towards him, and immediately his face splits into a smile. If you were anywhere else and ten years younger, he’d probably ruffle your hair.

"Good lecture," you say, "Dad didn’t tell me you’re teaching again."

Joel puts his piece of chalk into a tin box and nods.

"I don’t think he knows. You know how it is, we never get around to callin’ and I haven’t been home in a while."

So this is a new development, perhaps even Joel’s first semester back at university, too.

"What about the contracting? Don’t you miss the…pipes?"

He chuckles at your lack in basic contracting knowledge, his eyes not moving from yours.

"Ah, that was always Tommy, he just needed a little help. Company’s doin’ well now, though, so he’ll manage without me."

You think you remember Tommy – a man good-naturedly chasing you and the rest of the giggling neighborhood kids with a harden hose – but the memory is too vague to be sure it’s really him.

"You’ve grown up," Joel says, almost accusingly, and you shrug and smile. "Doin’ your master’s already. How come you’re familiar with Dirac?"

His accent is much thicker now that it’s only the two of you, and you notice a hint of pride when he asks about your correct answer to his question during the lecture. The satisfied feeling it gives you is still the same as when he high-fived you after your drivers test, or when he patted your back after you solved a problem for school without his help.

"Summer reading," you admit, trying hard not to sound like a nerd, "Basic Quantum Mechanics was my favorite lecture as an undergrad."

Joel smiles at you, and puts his notes into his leather bag. He slings it across his shoulder, and nods towards the door.

"How would you like to grab a coffee and tell me all about what’s been goin’ on with you and your old man?"

Your eyes flicker briefly over his hand, gripping the strap of his bag, and you raise an eyebrow.

"What’s the policy for staff having coffee with their students, Professor?"

Joel holds your gaze, the corners of his mouth twitching.

"I’m actually not sure, Miss, I’ve never had to check before."

He’s playing along, and it feels dangerously blurry – yes, he’s your Dad’s old friend, your childhood neighbor, but it feels like more than just joking around.

"Does that mean I’m your first, then?", you ask, voice sweet and close to flirting now. The smile freezes on Joel’s face, and his gaze becomes almost calculating.

"Am I yours?" he asks you softly, and the double-meaning behind his question isn’t lost on you. You feel a thrilling pang in your stomach – Joel Miller is flirting with you.

***

You do end up getting coffee after you tell Alva you’ll meet her later, Joel reassuring you it won’t get him into trouble, and you’re fascinated to see he still drinks it black. What fascinates you even more is that you remember how he takes his coffee, and you wonder why your brain filed this fact away as important, not to be forgotten.

"So, when did you graduate? Sorry I missed it."

There’s honest regret in his voice, which surprises you. Joel was always a warm person, but you figured he cared for you as much as he would have for any kid living across the street.

"Last June," you tell him, dropping a sugar cube into your cappuccino. "I spent the summer working, and now I’m here."

"How d’you like it so far?"

You give a nervous chuckle, torn between the honest truth and pleasant small talk. You opt for the former – this is Joel, after all, not some stranger.

"To be honest with you, I oscillate between enjoying my freedom away from Mom and Dad, and being scared shitless by starting over somewhere new," you admit, looking at your coffee. You haven’t told people about your fear, and it feels good to finally admit it – the grip your parents have had on you makes your newfound freedom almost uncomfortable.

"What d’you mean, startin’ over?", Joel asks, his voice strikingly gentle. You sigh, and shrug.

"I know the distance is good for me, but it was comfortable, just doing what my parents expected of me. I had good grades, nice friends, and just the right amount of drunken nights for them not to worry about my social life too much," you explain, "and now it’s like…there’s so much room to be someone else, cause they won’t see it anyway."

You look up, embarrassed to have spilt your guts like this, but Joel looks thoughtful, his thumb moving along the handle of his coffee cup.

"Sorry," you mutter, "I know they’re your friends, but they can be…"

"Overbearing?"

You smile at him gratefully and he smiles back.

"Look, I know your parents pretty well. They love you to bits, but as an adult I imagine it must be stiflin’.“

"Yeah," you sigh, grateful for his understanding, "I feel like I don’t know who I am when I’m not…their kid."

Joel nods, and sips his coffee, apparently pondering what you said.

"I promised myself I would only do what makes me happy while I’m here," you tell him sheepishly, as if it’s a secret, and Joel laughs.

"Well, I’m not expectin’ you to hand in any homework, then."

You grin, too, and shake your head. It’s surreal, Joel being your professor, and you wearing your heart on your sleeve for him.

"Don’t worry, Professor Miller, I’m not dropping your class."

"You’d better not, it’d really hurt my feelings," Joel says, eyes trained on yours. Again, that blurriness set in motion by the change of his role in your life: neighbor to professor to – what?

"What about you, though? This your first semester here?"

"Second," he tells you, "but I still don’t feel at home. Once a Texan, always a Texan, I guess."

You cock your head and watch him drain the last of his coffee, the cup tiny in his hands.

"What?" he asks you, curiosity evident in his voice.

"You look so different," you say, and Joel scoffs.

"Well, that’s real nice. Know I’m not thirty anymore, but geez–"

"No," you say with a grin, "it’s not that. I don’t know, I’ve just never seen you teach before. Or dressed this nice – I remember you mowing the lawn in a Fleetwood Mac shirt, not checking attendance in a button down."

Joel’s cheeks go slightly pink, and he scoffs again.

"Well, I can’t show up here in a band tee, can I? Gotta dress the part," he mutters.

"I get it. You suit it," you tell him, if only to see that blush appear on his face again. He looks up at you, holding your gaze for a couple of seconds, then he shakes his head.

"What were the odds of us meetin’ like this, huh? I gotta call your father and tell him."

Something about that bothers you, you’d prefer for your parents not to know. You like sitting here with Joel, reminiscing the old times, without anybody getting a peek in.

"Or not," he says gently, seeing the expression on your face.

"Sorry," you say, "course you can tell him."

"You apologize a lot," he tells you, and you fight the urge to say sorry once again. "It’s okay, I’m not tellin’ anyone, kid. ’S just you n me."

That pang in your stomach again, and you nod.

"Alright," you answer, "just us."

You get a refill for the two of you, and a blueberry muffin to split, which feels strangely intimate, but Joel pats his stomach and jokes about keeping an eye on his figure, so you grin, and ask the barista to cut it in half. Joel asks you about your friends, and you tell him about Alva.

"Oh yes," he says and swallows a bite of the muffin, "that punky lookin’ kid who sits next to you?"

"Yeah, she’s nice. Haven’t really met anyone else."

"Geez, I’m not keepin’ you from findin’ frat boys to hook up with, am I?"

You laugh, the idea of sitting here with a twenty-something year old kid named Cole or Josh instead of him so absurd, you can’t help it.

"No," you tell him, "I’m honestly enjoying the fact that I don’t have to have someone else in my dorm anymore."

"Well, that’s a relief to hear," Joel says, "they’re all dipshits."

You remember him telling you something similar about the boys in high school, and it makes you smile. He’s still got that protective streak, then.

"To tell you the truth, I’m glad you’re here," you say quietly, "if I’m not making any friends, I can come crying to you."

Joel watches you for a couple of seconds, not laughing as you intended, but taking your words seriously.

"Course you’ll make friends. Give it a couple of weeks, and you’ll have forgotten all about physics cause you’ll be skippin’ classes left and right to hang out with people."

You don’t tell him, but you think it’s very unlikely you’ll skip any of his classes. Still, you appreciate his words and how confident he seems to be in your ability to open up to people.

"Well, will you give me the answers to your exams if I skip your class?"

"No way," he says with a cheeky smile, the crinkles around his eyes prominent. "I don’t do preferential treatment. You wanna split another blueberry muffin?"

You grin.

"Thought you were watching your waistline."

"I am, that’s why I’m only eating halves."

***

Your afternoon with Joel leaves you on a high for the rest of the day, feeling much less lonely now that you’ve had a conversation beyond the usual so how many siblings do you have? and where did you do your undergrad?

You start spending your lunch breaks with Alva and some friends she made in another lecture, all of whom are very nice. In the evenings you all go to see a movie or have dinner together in any of your dorm rooms, and although you walk around campus holding out one eye for Joel, you don’t see him for the rest of the week. There is always a nudge of disappointment in your stomach, when you glance in the direction of his office, and the door is closed, but you’re so busy, you don’t dwell on it too much. The days pass in a blur of new lectures, swapping music with Alva, and evenings spent as a group of six, and suddenly it’s Sunday again. You aren’t too sad the weekend is already over, and you know exactly why you’re looking forward to Monday, but you don’t allow yourself to think about Joel any more than you can help.

In the afternoon, while you’re doing Joel’s assignment for the next class, your mother calls, and you answer the phone with a mixture of feelings.

Hi, my darling, how are you doing?

"Hi, Mom. I’m good, just doing my work for tomorrow. How are you?"

Good, good. How was your first week? Did you meet anyone nice?

Hah, if she only knew. It feels deceptive, not telling her about Joel, but you like that for now, he’s just yours.

"Yes, this girl called Alva. We and some guys hang out a lot, there’s a cinema near by, but the lectures are pretty hard, so we only have the evenings off."

Well, I’m glad you found some nice people! Dad says hi, he’s making dinner. Anyway, baby, we miss you terribly. Do you know when you’ll be coming home?

"I just got here, Mom."

You sigh so quietly your mother can’t hear it, guilt already nagging at your heart. Sunday is the day you would usually be coming home for dinner, and you know it’s no coincidence your parents called you now.

Of course, you’re right. It’s just not easy for your Dad and me, you know? You’ve never been this far from home, and you’re our baby.

Yeah, you think, your adult baby. You sigh again.

"I don’t know if I’ll come this month, I’m still sort of settling in. But I’ll let you know if there’s a free weekend next month, alright?"

Sure, that sounds great. Will you send us some pictures of your friends, and your room?

"Sure," you say, but it bugs you that you’re giving in. Already, you’re breaking the promise you made yourself, and letting your parents further into your life here than you’re comfortable with.

"Mom, I gotta go, I’ve still got some problems to solve and I’m meeting Alva for dinner soon."

Okay, darling, enjoy your night! And make yourself heard. I love you!

"Love you, too! Talk soon."

Your kind, clingy mother, whose greatest pain is not knowing if you’re safe. In a way you miss her, and you feel guilty for being annoyed. Still, you know you have to gently nudge her away from you, or she’ll suffocate you one day. It makes you angry with yourself, because you know your Mom would have liked nothing more than to hear all about your week, but as soon as she asked you a question, you felt like your seventeen year old self again, getting yelled at because you stayed up past your curfew, and your parents didn’t know where you were.

Tears of frustration spring to your eyes – the mix of feelings too much for you to handle. You wipe them away with the back of your hand, breathe in shakily, and try to focus on your assignment again, but now you’re riled up, and the tears won’t stop.

It’s hard for you to deal with disappointing your parents, forcing them away when they would like nothing more than to know everything that’s going on in your life. So, instead of preparing for Joel’s lecture, you cry on your bed, feeling lonely and angry with yourself for hurting them. You know your reaction is disproportionate, but everything you kept buried while you lived close to your parents comes bubbling out of you.

You call Alva, tell her you have cramps because of your period and just want to stay in bed. She’s understanding, asks you if there’s anything she can do, even offers to bring you takeout or a hot water bottle, which makes you feel all the worse for lying to her. You decline her offer, tell her you’ll meet her Monday morning. In the evening, you regret not letting her bring over a real meal, eating cold pasta in your underwear, tears still running down your face and making your head pound.

***

On Monday, you feel slightly better, your headache is gone and your face isn’t as puffy as you expected it to be. Still, you’re in a solitary mood, and are glad to find Alva is able to keep up an entire conversation virtually by herself – you just grunt from time to time, or give noncommittal movements of your head in vague agreement. You hope if she notices your bad mood, she just thinks it has to do with your period.

Computational Physics is hell – you dislike it on the best of days, but guilt ridden and tired, you’re barely able to pay attention at all, and the professor’s handwriting is so bad, you end up copying down Alva’s notes instead. She’s kind about it, slides over her notebook at an angle that makes it easy to read, and you make a mental note to thank her for being so kind to you while you’re offering nothing but a scowling expression all day. Maybe you’ll cook for her, or make a mixtape of your favorite songs, just to show her you’re interested in being actual good friends.

Lunch passes easily, as always you sit with Alva and the guys, and there’s enough people for you to stare at your mashed potatoes and repeatedly stab them with your fork instead of eating them. They taste like flour mixed up with water, and you dream up your father’s Sunday dinner instead, but it does little to help with the taste.

"So, you lookin’ forward to flirting with Miller in front of the whole lecture hall again?" Alva asks you, as you’re making your way to said room. You glare at her, but can’t help the corners of your mouth twitching.

"Wasn’t flirting with him," you answer, kicking a pebble, "I grew up across the street from him, I’ve known him practically my whole life."

"Whatever you say, grumpy," Alva teases, nudging your shoulder with hers. You’re overcome with a rush of gratitude for the way she treats you, persistently kind and humorous. You chuckle, your mood lifting slightly.

"He’s probably been waiting for you to turn legal," she continues, and you groan.

"Gross, Alva, he’s not a creep."

"I’m just saying, if your little connection gets you the answers to his tests, you could sell them and become rich."

"I already asked him, he said no," you say darkly, thinking of the nights you’ll have to spend studying to pass his exam. This makes Alva laugh her brilliant laugh, and you can’t help but smile, too.

"Damn," she grins, "I’d try if he wasn’t a guy."

You snort.

"You try with Professor Carter, I need the answers to Computational," you suggest, wiggling your eyebrows suggestively.

"You’re joking, but I bet once you get her out of her frumpy cardigans, she’s a real–"

"Okay, stop," you grown, the image of Professor Carter taking off her cardigans worse than her keeping them on – if possible. Alva giggles.

"I’ll help you with Computational," she says, "if you help me with Quantum Mechanics."

"You’re good at both," you argue, and Alva shrugs.

"Not like you, though. I spent like four hours doing Miller’s assignment last night."

You want to tell her you didn’t do it at all, but before you can open your mouth, she spots a friend in the crowd, grabs your arm and drags you over to him.

The three of you sit down together, closer to the front than the week before, which gives you a direct line of sight to Joel’s desk. When he walks in, your stomach jumps – he’s wearing a tie today, a dark burgundy or blue, you aren’t sure from this distance, flecked with specks of white. Again, his hair is styled in that carelessly disheveled look you like so much, and the image of him putting gel in it makes you smile. He gets out his materials for the lecture, and looks up, his eyes finding yours – you smile and he gives a small nod. Again you’re struck by how different he acts in front of the class, how serious he seems. You think of his laid back manner when you had coffee, and struggle to make the images align. Joel clears his throat, and the chatter around you stops.

"Quiet, please, everyone. Thank you. So, last week, we found out that Dirac’s equation predicts the existence of antiparticles. But instead of just accepting that, let’s think deeper—mathematically, what feature of the equation forces this conclusion?"

Joel jumps right into the lecture, and just like last week, nobody raises their hands – you curse the people around you for their lethargy, because sure enough, Joel’s eyes land on you. Before you can shake your head to signal to him not to ask you, he calls your name.

"If I remember correctly, you were already familiar with Dirac’s equation last week. What would you say, what does the existence of negative-energy solutions tell us, and why couldn’t we just ignore them?"

You wish you could answer him, know he asked you because he was sure you’d know the answer, perhaps hoped your enthusiasm for the subject would get the rest of the students to participate more, but you didn’t do the assignment, and you’ve already half forgotten his question. You swallow.

"Um…I…I’m not sure, Sir," you say, watching the way his brows furrow, and looking down at your notes. Alva shoots you a curious look, and when she sees your expression, she raises her hand. You’re thankful to have Joel’s attention diverted, feeling like a fool in front of hundreds of students you’re trying to make friends with.

"Dirac’s equation gives positive and negative energy solutions, and at first, the negative ones didn’t make sense. Dirac suggested they represent antiparticles, like the positron, which he predicted. The idea was that electrons could, like, jump into these negative-energy states, creating a hole that looks like a positron, which was later confirmed experimentally," Alva explains instead of you.

"You're close, but electrons don’t actually 'jump into' negative-energy states. Instead, Dirac proposed that these states are already filled, forming what he called the Dirac Sea. A positron isn’t an electron jumping down, it’s actually a 'hole' left when a negative-energy electron gets excited to a positive-energy state. That distinction is important because it explains why positrons have the opposite charge. Good answer, though, thank you Ms. Bennet."

Joel’s eyes flicker over to you again, but you show no reaction, and he continues with his lecture without asking you another question. Alva glances at you inquiringly, and you sigh.

"I wanted to do the assignment yesterday, but my cramps were really bad," you explain quietly, and she nods sympathetically.

"Call me next time, I’ll send you my answers," she whispers, and you smile gratefully. It seems you really hit the jackpot in friendship when you sat down next to Alva.

***

After Joel’s lecture, you and Alva make your way over to the vending machine, because it has the sour patches she likes, and in her own words she’ll combust if she doesn’t eat some right fucking now.

"Shit," she curses, "they’re stuck."

"Let me," a voice comes from a behind you, and when you turn around, Joel is smiling at the two of you. "Took me a while to figure this thing out, too."

Alva steps aside, and Joel bangs his palm against the side of machine. You jump, but the sour patches make their tumbling way down to the dispenser.

"Great! Thanks, Professor Miller," Alva says, ripping the bag open and offering it to the two of you. To your surprise, Joel takes her up on it, and Alva grins at you.

"You were quiet during today’s lecture," Joel says tentatively, when he’s swallowed his sour patch "everything alright?"

You glance at your shoes.

"Um, yeah. I wasn’t feeling well yesterday, and I left your assignment for last, so…I didn’t do it."

Joel’s expression grows worried, and Alva glances between the two of you.

"Hey, I’m meeting Max for coffee," she tells you, "see you later?"

"Yeah," you answer, grateful she’s granting you this time alone with Joel, "see you, Alva."

When she’s gone, Joel is still looking at you with that worried look on his face, and you sigh.

"Sorry about the assignment," you say, "won’t happen again."

"I’m not worried about the assignment," Joel says earnestly, but then he turns his head, and you know he doesn’t want someone listening in. Sure, you can be seen chatting in the university cafe, but this conversation is rapidly blurring the lines between scholarly and – something else.

"I…have some materials in my office that might make it easier for you to catch up with the lectures again," Joel tells you, and you understand the underlying meaning. Let’s talk in my office.

"Thank you," you say, relieved, and Joel nods, eyes still glued to yours, brows still furrowed. You walk to his office making smalltalk about the lecture, which to anyone listening in would seem like a normal conversation between a professor and an interested student.

Joel opens the door to his office for you, and lets you step in first. It’s small, cramped bookshelves on the walls and a sturdy desk in the middle that is littered with notes, pencils, books, and a couple of old coffee mugs. You notice he put part of his books sideways onto the shelves, which you find weirdly endearing. This is the Joel you know – clutter and warmth.

He closes the door behind you, and you turn around to watch him drop his bag and walk over to the kettle in the corner of the room.

"Coffee?"

"Please," you sigh, "if you don’t have anything stronger."

He raises an eyebrow, but doesn’t answer, just turns on the already filled kettle, and gets two clean cups for the two of you.

"I only have drip coffee," he tells you, "I don’t drink that crap the machines brew up."

"That’s fine, I enjoy the medieval feel of it."

"Watch it," he answers, a smile tugging on his lips, "don’t insult my coffee filter in front of me."

You grin, and walk over to his bookshelf to have a look.

"So, what’s going on?" he asks you while pouring the boiling hot water over the coffee grounds. Again, the Joel you remember – empathetic, but unusually direct. You sigh, turn around and shrug.

"Mom and Dad called yesterday, and I could tell they missed me, but I just…I cut them off after two minutes."

Joel places the cups on his desk, and leans against it. His sleeves are rolled up again, and when he crosses his arms, you feel that familiar pang in your stomach.

"And now I…I don’t know, I feel so guilty, Joel. They’re not even being dicks about it, but I just know they’d prefer for me to check in with them more…and the worst thing is, I know it’s not a big deal. They’ll get over it, they’ve got a good life without me constantly in it, so I don’t know why my stupid brain can’t just let this go, you know? One I miss you, darling, and I’m reduced to this pathetic mess, instead of just, I don’t know, getting my shit together."

You shake your head and clench your teeth, once again embarrassed to come crying to Joel about your parental issues, but he’s the only one you can tell. Sure, Alva would probably listen, but you don’t feel like explaining your family to a near stranger. Joel just gets it. Joel knows you.

He’s looking at you, arms still crossed, and for a second you worry he might not want to hear about your little breakdown, but then he sighs.

"You have your shit together all of the fuckin’ time, kid, I think that might be the problem," he tells you quietly. "You’ve always been so hard on yourself."

He’s right, once again he sees what you struggle to show the world, and his words make tears spring to your eyes. You will your eyeballs to suck them back in, but of course, Joel sees.

"Hey now," he says, taking a tentative step towards you. One tear drops from the end of your lashes and down your cheek, and the dam is broken again – they come spilling in floods. Joel crosses the room in a second, and there is a slight moment of hesitation between the two of you, before you bury your face in his chest, and let your restraint fall. You cry quietly, feel him wrap his arms around you, as he rocks you back and forth.

"You’re alright," he tells you, "Shhh, it’s okay, you’re alright."

"S-s-sorry about the assignment," you manage, and Joel’s hand starts stroking your back.

"Jesus, kid, stop worryin’ about the fucking assignment," he tells you, voice low and worried. "You don’t gotta be so strict with yourself. You’re doin’ just fine."

He smells so much like home, you think you might never stop crying.

"I don’t know what’s wrong with me," you hiccup, "One week here and I’m a mess already."

You feel Joel rest his chin on your head, and his arms tighten around you.

"There’s nothin’ wrong with you, you hear me? You hold yourself to high standards. Creates pressure, kid."

As always, he’s right of course – you want to excel academically, you don’t want to hurt your parents, you want to stay true to yourself and do what makes you happy, you want to make friends without compromising your grades. It’s impossible.

You breathe in shakily, your eyes closed, face buried in Joel’s chest, and for a second he is all that exists – just Joel, all around you, pulling you to the earth. Slowly, your breathing calms, Joel still rocking you soothingly, holding you close.

"There we go," he mutters, when your chest stops shaking, "that’s good."

When you pull away from him, he puts his hands on your shoulders to really look at you, and although you’re embarrassed by your outburst, you’re glad he doesn’t shy away from you.

"I want you to start being a little more lenient with yourself, alright? You don’t need to worry about an assignment on top of everything."

His hands are rubbing your shoulders, his eyes are kind and warm.

"Maybe not about yours, but I have like five other lectures –"

"Okay, so try to stop worrying about my assignments, just mine. Won’t bite your head off if you don’t do them, and I’ll only ask you questions when you raise your hand, alright? In fact, for the rest of the term, I want you to hand them in late."

Despite yourself, your lips pull up in a small smile.

"That’s silly, Joel," you say softly, but he shakes his head.

"It’s not silly, it’s practice to get you out of your comfort zone."

You consider his words for a moment. You do keep a pretty tight reign on yourself, and just the thought of doing every assignment late makes your skin crawl with anxiety. But when will you get another chance to step out of your comfort zone as safely as now, with Joel? He’s offering you a way to try it without actually risking your grades. And who knows, perhaps it actually will take a little bit of pressure off of you.

"Okay," you answer, staring up at Joel with puffy cheeks and teary eyes. "Alright."

He smiles at you, but he still looks worried and you wish he’d pull you close to him again. It’s such a relief to have this sort of human contact with someone who really knows you.

"Feel better?"

You sigh, and nod.

"It’s just a lot, you know, uni and my parents, and every social interaction feels like such a chore, cause I don’t know people yet. I feel like I’m not even relaxed when I’m asleep."

Joel hesitates for a moment, before he speaks, but when he does, he sounds determined.

"Come over tonight, I’ll make us somethin’ to eat, and you don’t have to worry about talkin’ to anyone. We’ll watch whatever you’d like. You still enjoy those crappy horror movies?"

You smile at the shared memory – Joel letting you use his living room to watch slashers your parents didn’t want you to see. One summer, when the heat was so stifling you barely went outside, you practically lived at his place, and when you’d seen all the DVDs he owned, he got you more from the video store.

"I do," you say quietly, the fact that Joel remembers more important to you than his proposal to spend the evening together. You feel significantly less alone, all of a sudden.

"Alright, then. Be over at seven,“ Joel tells you, and you nod, wiping your wet face with the back of your hand.

"Thank you, Joel," you say, and hug him again, because you don’t know how to tell him in words what you’re feeling, and his big, warm body against yours feels more than soothing.

"Course, kid. Just don’t tell Alva, or they’ll fire me."

You smile, your arms still wrapped around his neck, as he holds you.

"But I don’t wanna get you in trouble, what if–"

"No," Joel interrupts you, "no what ifs. No worryin’. I forbid it."

And you accept it, leave it to Joel, because he tells you to – because you don’t have any room in your head for more worries, and because you trust Joel not to do anything reckless. You trust him, period.

***

You text Alva you’re having dinner alone, that your cramps are still acting up, and you do feel slightly bad for lying, but you would never risk Joel’s job. The idea of having dinner with him at his place should make you nervous after your change in feelings about him, but you’re just looking forward to having a meal with someone who knows you, and lets you be yourself.

Joel asked you to be there at seven, so you spend the rest of the afternoon in your dorm room, wondering if you should change your outfit or if it would seem desperate – in the end, you keep the jeans but change into a blouse instead of a sweater. The part of you that stares at Joel’s forearms during class now wants to look pretty for him, so that he’ll ask you over again. You know you’re being ridiculous, but it doesn’t stop you from putting on your nicest perfume.

You’re ten minutes early, so you sit in your little second hand car and try not to panic. You know Joel is merely trying to be a good…friend? Ex-neighbor, Dad’s best friend turned professor? There’s no real etiquette to cling to in this situation, for either of you, and although you’re positive Joel doesn’t have any ulterior motives with you despite his flirting, you know he could lose his job if someone finds out you went to his house. Even if you just watch slashers together the way you did ten years ago. It makes you anxious to know he’d risk something clearly important to him for just that – he moved to a different state, quit his old job, started over completely, and is now willing to endanger that new life just because you’re stressed. At the same time it seems ridiculous anyone could forbid the two of you to spend time together after having known each other your entire life. The thought is absurd, and still, you need to be careful.

You get out of the car before you start to hyperventilate, and ring Joel’s doorbell – it feels strange for him to live in a new house. He opens the door with a smile, and absurd relief floods your veins when you realize he’s wearing an old Led Zeppelin shirt and a pair of worn jeans. This is your Joel.

"I come bearing gifts," you announce, stepping into the house.

“Christ, where did you get this?”, Joel asks, taking the six pack of beer from you, so you can take off your jacket. “I didn’t know they sold Shiner Bock outside of Texas, I’ve been survivin’ on Bud”.

“Brought it with me,” you explain, “figured it’d help if I got homesick, you know, in multiple ways.”

You grin, and Joel shakes his head good-naturedly.

“Old enough to drink, well I’ll be damned. I remember when you begged your Dad to let you have a coke and he asked me if I thought the caffeine would stunt your growth.”

“Did it?”

“It might’ve,” Joel says with a chuckle, “but he didn’t let you have it.”

“Well, he isn’t here now, so let’s put those in the fridge.”

“No," Joel mutters, “no, he ain’t.”

While Joel puts the beer away, you take a look around his living room – despite your reservations about the new house, it reminds you of his old place. It’s got the same masculine and warm feel to it, dark wood, books all over the place, no bells and whistles. Joel is a practical man, and it’s charmingly etched into every part of his life – except for his new work-look. The room isn’t as cluttered as you remember Joel’s old house back in Texas, but you assume he hasn’t had time to accumulate clutter yet. No old newspapers are lying around, no birthday cards stacking up. You wonder if he’s lonely here, teaching all by himself, hundreds of miles away from the place he last grew roots in.

“Do you miss home?” you ask him, when he comes back from the kitchen with two bottles of beer in his hands. He looks at ease, much more himself than back at university. His jeans are faded, his shirt a little too big on his already broad frame, and his hair is clean and curly the way you like it – no gel twisting it into all sorts of un-Joel-like styles. Warmth floods your chest at the sight of him taking a swig of his beer. His crowfeet are a little more pronounced, and his hair has more grey strands than it did back home, but he’s still got that distinctly warm, no-nonsense feel to him.

“Sometimes,” he answers, offering you the second bottle. Your hand brushes his when you take it from him. “But I’m pretty busy here, you know, got a whole lotta lectures to plan, papers to grade and that sort of stuff.”

You nod, and sip at your beer.

“Have you…you know, met people? Made friends here?”

Joel plops down on the couch, and smiles up at you.

“You worried about my social life?”

You shrug, and smile almost timidly.

“You know me, kid, I like bein’ by myself.”

That’s true, for as long as you’ve known Joel, he’s been alone. You know he has nieces and nephews who adore him, and your Dad mentioned a woman once, but it must have been at least twenty years since they were together. You wonder why Joel doesn’t seem to want that sort of a domestic life, surely many women would be happy to let him put a ring on them.

You walk over to the window, and watch a blackbird tug at a writhing worm.

“Have you met someone at uni you wanna be by yourself with?” you ask with a small grin, turning back to find Joel already watching you. “I heard Professor Carter’s still single.”

“She’s very intelligent,” Joel says earnestly. You give him credit for not laughing about his colleague, and suddenly you feel bad for calling her frumpy with Alva. “But I think I’ll leave her to her simulations. Why am I bein’ interrogated?”

“Sorry,” you mumble, and glance out of the window again, “just making conversation.”

“Your turn, then,” Joel answers, and takes another swig of beer. “Any frat boys catch your eye? Or frat girls?”

You glance at him, a smile on your lips, and raise your eyebrows.

“Hey, I don’t discriminate. I thought, maybe Alva…”

“No,” you answer, feeling fond of him for considering the possibility. “Alva’s a friend. The guys are…well, they’re frat boys.”

 Your voice carries enough disgust for Joel to laugh.

“Right,” he says, and his eyes are warm when they meet yours again. “Just us two loners, then."

“Cheers,” you say with a smile.

“Cheers.”

***

Joel’s cooking is a mystery to you – he loves to eat, and when he does cook, it’s always delicious, but he only ever makes one of five dishes. Again, that practicality shining through. Why try something new if you’ve perfected your routine? He made pasta for you, wasn’t sure if you’re still vegetarian and makin’ your Dad’s hair fall out, and you smile into the neck of your beer bottle, when you watch him drizzle dressing onto a carefully arranged side-salad. Throughout dinner, you tell him how much you love it at least five times, because you can tell he put effort into the meal. You know it’s not technically a date, but having a dinner he made just for you, in his home – it feels like one.

You steer the conversation away from heavy topics like your parents. Although Joel offered you this evening to make you feel better, you want to spend it with him rather than in your head, so you ask him about books and music, about his lectures, about Tommy and the kids. You like watching how his face lights up whenever he talks about something he particularly loves. Joel is a quiet man, but you found out years ago it isn’t shyness, but a disinterest in most mundane topics – he doesn’t like gossip or superficial small talk. When he tells you Tommy made him godfather of all of his children, the pride is evident in his voice, and you don’t have to fake your enthusiasm, although it amuses you, too – Tommy loving his big brother enough not to consider anyone else.

"She calls me uncle Joe," he tells you with a chuckle, "Can’t pronounce her Ls yet, but I’ve considered legally changing my name."

When you’re done eating, you help him clear the table, but when you reach for the sponge to do the dishes, Joel shakes his head.

"Let me do that later, kid. You wanna watch a movie?"

So the two of you plop down on the couch with a bag of M&Ms and another round of beer, and Joel hands you the remote.

"Go wild," he says, chuckling when you excitedly turn on he TV to open Netflix.

"Wow, a streaming service? I thought you’d just hoard DVDs for the rest of your life."

Joel huffs, and instead of answering, he leans forward, and reaches for something under his couch table. When he turns his head, he’s got glasses on his face, thick-rimmed and black, and so startlingly sexy, you almost drop the remote.

"You…you’ve got glasses?"

"Yeah," he answers, his eyes meeting yours, and you swallow. "When your eyesight deteriorates, that’s when you know you’re gettin’ old."

You hum but don’t answer, just hold his gaze for a second and look back to the screen. You try to ignore the familiar pang in your stomach at the sight of Joel in his new glasses, and skip through movie after movie, mumbling seen it, seen it, that one sucks, seen it, until Joel reaches over and snatches the remote from you.

"Hey–"

"I can’t read anything if you skip through them that quickly."

"You’re not supposed to read, you’re supposed to go with the vibe of the cover."

He glances at you with furrowed brows.

"Okay, sorry, didn’t know you’re a filmbro," you grumble, but it’s almost entirely fake – you couldn’t be annoyed with him, not when he pushes his glasses up his nose, and carefully considers which button to press on the remote.

"I don’t know what that means," he answers, and starts reading the description of a romantic comedy about Christmas.

"I’m not watching that."

"You don’t even know what it’s about."

"It’s September, Joel."

He huffs again, but finally reaches the horror movies. Surprisingly, it doesn’t take the two of you long to pick one, and the thought of two hours of brainless, scary entertainment on a couch with Joel makes you practically melt into his couch.

You can feel Joel’s eyes on you during the opening credits, so you glance over and he smiles.

"Comfy?" he asks, his voice hoarse from relaxation.

"Yeah," you answer, and smile when hands you a blanket. He’s not exactly close to you, but it still feels a little intimate when you spread the blanket out and offer him the other end. He moves over a little, so that the blanket covers his legs, and when you concentrate you can feel his body heat next to you, so you try hard not to – and instead get lost in the movie.

It’s not particularly good, but the story does get under your skin a little, and when there’s an unexpected shriek, you violently jump and instinctively move closer to Joel. He chuckles, but doesn’t give any reaction to your arm suddenly pressing against his. He doesn’t move away, either, so you don’t, fear suddenly not being the only thing bubbling up in your stomach.

"Jesus," you mumble, the creeping music making you anticipate another jumpscare. You’re right, it does come, but prepared though you are, you still wince, and turn away from the screen slightly. Out of sight, out of mind. Joel turns around, too, and when he sees your widened eyes, he grins.

"How’s that Christmas movie lookin’ now?"

"I’m not scared," you say, and there is some truth to it, "I’m just not good with jumpscares."

When the next one comes, you can’t help it, you clutch his arm next to you, your nails digging into his firm muscle, and Joel glances at you again.

"Sorry," you say quickly, letting go of his forearm now marked with five tiny crescent shapes. "Jesus, Joel, sorry."

"It’s fine," he says, and the amusement is evident in his voice, "you sure you’re into this? There might be some cartoons–"

He stops talking when you glare at him, but his mouth is twitching under his beard. You’re determined to watch the entire movie, and you try not to let any reaction show, wanting to prove Joel wrong.

There is one particularly scary scene – it’s not necessarily violent, but the music and shaky camera movements make your pulse race, and you turn your head slightly, so as to look at something else. Joel glances at you again, but he doesn’t laugh this time, just puts a heavy hand on your shoulder. It’s grounding, the warmth of it, how his thumb digs into your muscle and his fingers spread out over your back and neck.

"You don’t gotta force yourself to watch this, kid," Joel says gently, all teasing humor gone.

"No," you say stubbornly, but move even closer to him. His touch is a welcome distraction from the movie, and although you know it’s stupid and reckless, you lean into him, and Joel puts his arm around you. It’s closer than you’ve been to him except for hugging, and your heartbeat starts to quicken for all the wrong, non-horror reasons. When you flinch, Joel tugs you against his side, and it feels natural to hide your face in his shoulder.

He was never touchy with you, or anyone for that matter, so something must have changed. You wonder if he’s trying to comfort you, or if you might not be the only one who can feel that strange pull between the two of you.

When the movie ends, Joel regrettably removes his arm from around your shoulders to switch off the TV, and although you’re slightly disappointed, you scold yourself for expecting something else.

"Not bad," Joel says with a small smile, and pushes his glasses up his nose. "Very brave."

You scoff, but feel the corners of your mouth twitching, too.

"I used to be less of a wimp, but I guess you soften with age."

"You’re twenty-three," Joel argues, "that’s young."

Yeah, too young. Too young to lean over and kiss him, or climb into his lap, or expect anything other than paternal care when he’s got his arm around you. You look at your lap, all of a sudden feeling stupid and silly for having dreamed up an absurd fantasy about the man in front of you.

"Hey," Joel says gently, "what’s wrong?"

"Nothing," you say quickly, "nothing, I had a really great evening. Thanks, Joel."

You can tell you’ve confused him, but he nods, doesn’t question your sudden change of mood, and stands when you get up from the couch.

"Anytime, kid. You call me if you’re havin’ a bad time, alright? My door’s always open."

He’s so kind, so recklessly, stupidly, lovingly kind, and all of it is directed at you. You curse yourself for it, but again you feel that familiar burn in your eyes. Joel reaches out and easily pulls you towards his big body, hugging you the way he did in his office just this afternoon. He doesn’t ask you what brought on your tears, just lets you cry into his Led Zeppelin shirt that smells so much like home, like a childhood you won’t get back to. You remember whiffs of that smell when you were watching movies on his couch while he was at work, too pissed off at your parents to spend the summer at home. This scent was there when you attended a neighborhood barbecue after fighting with your father and Joel grilled some vegan sausages for you without comment or question. He’s always looked out for you like this, quietly, without demanding an explanation, just a solid, comforting presence in your life.

Your tears stop after a couple of minutes, and you take a step away from Joel, wiping your face. He looks so worried again, brows all furrowed and arms hanging limply at his side. Didn’t he flirt with you, though? Didn’t he prepare dinner for you the way a date would, ask you about your dating life, ask you to coffee? You don’t think you would be able to handle another evening like this one not knowing what Joel really thinks, so in a moment of hazy recklessness, you lean up.

His eyes meet yours, all warm and strangely unguarded, but before your lips brush his, a hand on your shoulder stops you. Without saying something, you move away from him, and nod to yourself, his reaction all the information you needed.

"Sorry," you say very quietly, not managing much else now that you’ve humiliated yourself in front of the only person you really know in a six hundred mile radius. Joel runs a hand through his soft hair, and inhales deeply.

"No," he says, his voice a little strained, "no, don’t be. I just…Jesus, kid."

He rubs his palm over his beard in such a familiar way, your chest aches a little. It’s ridiculous how much you want to touch his face, to feel him again, skin on skin. So you don’t turn and run the way your embarrassed heart is telling you to, just watch him collect his thoughts, standing in front of him like a wet and beaten dog.

"Look," he begins, "I won’t say I’m not flattered, but that’s…it’s a bad fuckin’ idea. It’s…it’s chaos, and on top of that most people would argue it’s wrong."

You swallow. You know all of this, have turned it over in your head ever since you stared at Joel’s rolled up sleeves for two hours on that first Monday, but hearing him say it makes your stomach churn.

"Yeah," you mutter, and trace Joel’s shadow with the very tip of your foot, "yeah, of course. Sorry I put you in that position, wasn’t right."

Your face still feels puffy, and you know you’re probably all red and pathetic looking, begging Joel for scraps of his attention, but all of a sudden, he lifts his hand up to your face, and cups it in his broad palm. His thumb strokes your cheek, and when you meet his eye, the expression on his face is tender.

"It’s alright," he tells you softly, "I can see you worryin’ at the speed of light in that pretty head of yours."

Something in your chest flutters at his words, at the rough and warm cadence of his voice. He reads you so easily, one turn of your head and he knows you’re lost to your thoughts.

"I shouldn’t have let myself toy with this idea," he continues, and your stomach flips. "I should’ve realized you’d pick up on it. It’s on me, alright? It’s on me not to start anythin’."

You can hear the implication – I’m the adult here. It’s not what you want to hear, but just the mention of Joel toying with this idea, as he put it, is enough to lift your spirits. So you weren’t crazy.

"I’m an adult," you say weakly, never having felt more like a child. Joel nods.

"You are, but I’m still in a position of power here. Be wrong, to abuse that."

His thumb is still moving over your cheek slowly, making it hard to think straight.

"So dinner and a movie doesn’t abuse it?"

You don’t want to argue, you don’t know why you keep disagreeing with him, and the way his face falls, you wish you hadn’t said it.

"No, it…it does, you’re right. Jesus, of course it does. I don’t blame ya for bein’ ang-"

"I’m not angry," you say softly, and tentatively turn your head in Joel’s hand. You press a kiss to his palm, his warm skin pressed right against your mouth. "I’m not your student, Joel. I mean, of course I am, but I know you. It’s different."

Joel’s eyes are glued to your face, and he looks so conflicted you wish he’d just throw you out of his house, if only to solve his dilemma.

"It’s still wrong," Joel mutters, his eyes glued to your lips since they brushed his skin "even if you take away the fact that I’m your fuckin’ professor. Your Dad…"

"My Dad is half a continent away and finds a way to be unhappy with whatever choices I make, so I might as well make the ones I want to."

The very first day, before you even met Joel, you decided to do what makes you happy while in university, and although this certainly wasn’t what you had in mind, you know it’s what you want. The only thing you want, in fact.

Joel sighs, and tucks a strand of hair behind your ear.

"Joel, I’m not trying to…look, if I’m wrong about this, just tell me, but I feel…I just wanna be close to you all of the fucking time," you say quietly, "and it’s okay if you don’t, really. I just…I want you to know it’s not nothing to me."

Saying I don’t just want to hook up with you would feel too straight forward or crass, but you think Joel gets the gist of what you’re trying to say, and he closes his eyes briefly. You study his face behind his glasses, the wrinkles and freckles from years in the sun. You do feel anxious about his answer, but whatever it is, you’re glad you told him. It’s out in the world now, the way you feel when he holds you, and he can do with it what he pleases – you’ve handed him the reigns.

"I…I know what you mean. Me too," he says very quietly after a beat, his eyes open and looking directly into yours again.

A triumphant pang of affection pulses through you, and you put your hand over Joel’s, which is still resting on your cheek. He looks conflicted, but his other hand holds your waist now, and tugs your smaller body closer to his again. He’s solid as a brick wall in front of you, and you figure you’re allowed to touch, so you rest your hand on his shoulder.

"What am I gonna do with you?" Joel mutters, and strokes your lower lip with his thumb. If you had more guts, you’d let it slip into your mouth, but you’re still afraid he’ll pull back if you make a wrong move, so you just let him caress your mouth tenderly.

"Whatever you’d like," you answer just as quietly, and you know it sounds sexual, but you mean it in every way – if Joel wants to be nothing but your professor, you’d take it, and if he wants to keep you here in his house indefinitely, you’d let him. Joel keeps looking at you, taking you in as if he’s considering whether the risks outweigh whatever magnetic or gravitational pull the two of you have between you.

"Stay," he say after a while, and although his face looks slightly regretful, his voice is determined, "just…sleep here tonight. I like havin’ you here."

You want him to kiss you, to pull you onto his lap on the couch, to take you upstairs right now, but Joel seems to be restraining himself, so you just nod.

"Me too," you whisper, echoing his words back to him, and for just a second, his thumb digs into your lip a little harder, but then he pulls away.

"Testin’ my goddamn restraint," he mutters, and takes a step away from you. "I’ll get you something to sleep in."

***

Joel gets you one of his band tees you love so dearly, and just the idea of being enveloped by something that smells like him all night makes it a little easier when Joel tells you he’ll take the couch instead of inviting you to sleep with him in his bed.

"No," you say softly, "it’s fine, you just sleep in your bed, Joel. I’ll take the couch."

He looks critical, so you offer him a soft smile.

"I don’t know if your back could take it," you tease, and he seems torn up between laughing and frowning. In the end, he just shakes his head, mutters something that sounds a lot like bad fuckin’ idea, and gets you a blanket and pillow.

He brings you a clean toothbrush and towel, let’s you use his bathroom (you look at the shower the entire time you’re brushing your teeth, trying hard not to think about what Joel looks like using it in the mornings), and when you’re done changing, you unlock the door again.

He’s there, sitting on the edge of his bed, his eyes trailing over your form in his much too big shirt. It’s long as a dress on you, coming down to your naked thighs. Joel visibly swallows and gets up from the bed.

"You got everythin’ you need?"

"Yes. Thank you, Joel."

There’s a beat of silence and you almost think Joel’s about to cross the room, but he just runs his palm over his beard the way he always does, and nods.

"Alright. Just shout if there’s…well, you know. I’ll be here."

"I will."

"Alright. Okay…goodnight, kid."

"Night," you almost whisper, voice soft, and right before you reach the door, Joel clears his throat.

"I…you were right about dinner and the movie. I wasn’t just tryin’ to be friendly," he says quietly, and your stomach swirls. Before you can walk over to Joel and do something about it, he sighs.

"Sleep tight, sweetheart."

Sweetheart.

***

You wake to the sound of something dripping, and when your eyes flutter open, you can see Joel’s back from the kitchen. He’s wearing his work outfit again, a white button down and dark pants, sleeves rolled up. It smells like coffee, and with a smile you realize he must be brewing his beloved coffee – no machine, just a filter. He looks broad, even from your spot on the couch, and you enjoy peeking in on him. You study his movements, the way he reaches for a cup, how his fingers absentmindedly drum on the kitchen counter while he waits.

When he turns around, his eyes find yours, and he smiles.

"Mornin’. Did I wake ya?"

"’S fine," you yawn, pulling the blanket up to your chin, not yet ready to get up. "I have classes at ten anyway."

"’S eight," Joel tells you, "Coffee?"

"Yes please," you answer, and stretch your limbs under the blanket.

Joel brings you a cup, complete with a little bit of milk and sugar, and you move your feet so he can sit down on the couch.

"Sleep well?"

You sip your coffee, let it burn your tongue and close your eyes at the taste. When you open them, Joel’s gaze lingers on your face.

"Yeah," you answer, "thank you for…you know."

He nods, takes a sip of his coffee, and looks at his lap. He looks like he wants to say something, but he’s very quiet, and you feel anxiety bubbling up in your stomach.

"Joel, do you want me to leave? It’s fine if you do," you ask him softly, not wanting to make things awkward for him. It would be rational of him to ask you to leave, the smart and ethical thing to do.

"No," he answers quietly, still not looking at you, "I want you to stay."

Stay? On a Tuesday morning, after you almost kissed him and he told you he couldn’t do that, after you spent the night on his couch? When you have classes in two hours, haven’t showered yet, are half naked and wearing his clothes, on his couch under his blanket? When you’ve got friends wondering where you are and probably ten unanswered messages from Alva?

"Alright," you say, agreeing as easy as breathing.

Finally, he looks up, and his expression is so conflicted you reach out for him. Your hand finds his and you squeeze it. He keeps looking at you, his hand limp in your grasp, as if any movement of his muscles would incriminate him.

"You shouldn’t," he tells you earnestly. "Stay, I mean. You shouldn’t stay."

"I know."

You don’t let go of his hand. He doesn’t move his away.

"It’s a really, really bad idea," he adds, and you’re not sure who he is trying to talk out of whatever this is. "It’s risky. Could blow up both our lives."

"Yeah," you say, and watch him sip his coffee, "okay."

Then, a tentative flex of his fingers against yours, and finally, he’s squeezing your hand just as tightly, and before you can process what that means, Joel is leaning over you, dangerously close. Your breathing quickens, you register how soft his hair looks, how strong his hand is. He leans in further and you sit up a little, still cocooned in his blanket. His face is close to yours, his eyes fiery with something you can’t pinpoint, and you sigh, when he closes the gap between you.

He tastes of coffee and toothpaste, and you wish you’d gotten the chance to shower, but the thought disappears almost immediately when you hear Joel groan. His kisses you languidly, deeply, and your fingers come up to his beautiful arm, barely wrapping around half of his biceps. He cradles the side of your face, pulls you closer, makes your stomach clench with need. It feels inevitable, the way he touches you, like you only exist in a physical form to be touched by him.

His free hand peels the blanket off your body, lets it slide to the floor without ever stopping his the kiss, and you moan softly, when his hand touches your waist. The sound makes him break away, stare down at you, pupils blown wide.

"Fuck, you look good in my clothes," he mutters, nudging your jaw with his nose, and pressing a kiss there. "You should really, really go home."

Your head falls back slightly to give him better access to your neck, and he brushes his lips over your pulse point. Your heart skips a beat.

"I – I know," you breathe, fingers digging into his arm. His beard scratches your skin deliciously, and it takes everything in you not to whimper or beg. Joel’s hand slips under your shirt – his shirt – and instead of finding your waist again, he digs his thumb into your hip, stroking the fabric of your cotton panties. The fire in your stomach burns brighter, and you almost buck up into him. Joel Miller, the Joel Miller who until recently had a key to your childhood home, who lent it to you whenever you forgot yours inside – he’s sucking bruises into your skin, and toying with your panties. It’s dizzying, his familiar voice when he hums in satisfaction, even rougher than usually.

His fingers trace the waistband of your panties towards the front, until they find a small, silky bow, and Joel groans. He doesn’t take your underwear off, doesn’t even touch you where you need him the most, just keeps playing with the little bow, until your hips twitch without your permission. A little lower, and he would be able to feel how wet you are, how wet you have been all night. You didn’t do anything about it, not while you were a guest in his house. It would have felt wrong. You can’t imagine anything feeling more right than Joel’s mouth and hands on you, though.

"Jesus," Joel curses, "I should stop bef–"

"No," you whine, all dignity turned to hot air by Joel’s fingers, "please, Joel, please don’t stop."

He curses again, and moves his big body so that he’s not just hovering above you, but actually on top of you, your thighs falling open for him easily. At the movement, his shirt hikes up your thighs, and you know you’re basically on display for him, your soaked underwear leaving little to the imagination. He’s still fully clothed, his perfect button down all wrinkled now.

"Look at you," Joel breathes, lightheaded with desire, "this all for me?"

So he saw, when you moved to accommodate his broad form, saw how soaked you are, knows you ruined your panties just because he kissed you.

"Yes," you breathe, "yes, please–"

Before you can beg further, his finger presses down on your clit, and he watches your face contort in pleasure, as it shoots up your spine. You whimper, staring into his eyes, and he stares right back, as you start to grind your hips against his palm.

Your head feels blissfully empty, all worries about this relationship, uni, your parents, gone from you with a simple, practiced movement of his hand. The whimpers keep falling from your lips, and Joel curses.

"So beautiful," he mutters, "tell me what you need, angel."

It’s not a question, it’s an order.

"I – fuck, I need you i–inside," you groan, and Joel’s lips find yours again.

"Yeah? Need me to fuck you good, even though they’ll throw us both out?"

It shouldn’t turn you on. You’re jeopardizing both your own and Joel’s career, and he’s turning it into dirty talk. Still, your pussy doesn’t lie, and the way it throbs for him, aching to get him inside, makes all doubts disappear from your mind.

"Yes," you answer, unable to say much more as Joel keeps drawing tight circles into your clit.

Your hands drift from his arms towards his front, and Joel curses, when you paw at his belt buckle. It takes you a second, but then it’s open, the sound of the metal exciting you – it sounds like a promise.

Joel finally tugs your panties down, and for a second you’re self–conscious about not being clean shaven, but the second he sees you bare and glistening for him, his fingers dip into your folds, gathering your wetness with no hesitation.

"Fuck me," he groans, bringing his hand up to his face and tasting you, holding eye–contact the entire time, "prettiest pussy I’ve seen in my life."

You twitch under him, dragging your gaze away from his eyes and to his fingers. A moan escapes you, your hands have gone slack on his waistband, and Joel smiles down at you. Then, he does the same motion again, drags the tips of his thick fingers through your sticky arousal, but instead of sucking them clean himself, he holds them up to your mouth. His eyes burn, when you wrap your lips around them without a moments hesitation, and he feeds you your own slick.

"Taste so sweet, huh?"

You don’t answer, just swirl your tongue around his fingers, and suck on them. Joel watches your mouth intently, lets you take your time.

"Good girl," he praises you, and you clench around nothing, "so fuckin’ needy for me."

He drags his fingers from your mouth, and finally pushes into you, the stretch much tighter than with two of your own. Your head falls backwards, and Joel curls his fingers.

"No, baby, look down here," he orders, and immediately you lift your head again, and watch him pump two thick digits in and out of you. It’s dizzying to think it’s the same hand that waved to you from over his fence for years and years. You feel a coil building in your stomach, and you moan.

"Fuck, Joel," you moan, his name leaving a delicious aftertaste in your mouth. His beautiful forearm flexes with every movement, your slick is dripping down his fingers, and those damn sleeves are still perfectly rolled up.

With a few more curls of his fingers, you gush around him, barely having time to warn him, and he praises you, calls you his good girl, drags his fingers against that spongey spot inside of you until you see stars.

When he slips his fingers out of you and holds them up to your face again, you clean them up with your mouth as Joel watches with bright eyes. To think that he’s the same man who taught you Dirac not twenty-four hours ago – already, you want him inside again. When you’re done, he fumbles with his own clothes, and you watch him this time instead of helping.

"You look so good like this," you mumble, eyes raking over his broad form, "Professor."

His eyes snap up to yours, and you grin.

"Fuckin’ Christ, kid," he mutters, popping open the buttons on his shirt, "you can’t say shit like that."

"You don’t like it? You know, I watched you during your lectures and dreamed about…well, about this."

His expression is unreadable, but if you’re not mistaken, his hands move even faster now, and then he shrugs out of his shirt. You almost moan at the sight of his naked torso, so broad and solid.

"You need to pay attention in class," Joel answers, as he opens his pants. Your breathing grows a little shallow when he reveals his boxers underneath, his bulge huge.

"Can’t," you mumble, "not with you looking like this."

He chuckles at that, at the honesty and need in your answer.

"Don’t worry," he says softly, "I’ll fuck it outta you. Won’t be needing’ me in class, not if I’m still leakin’ out of you."

Your lips part, your pussy clenches – a smile tugs on the corners of Joel’s mouth at your reaction. He drags down his boxer shorts, and your eyes snap towards his cock, so thick and dripping in precum. You whimper, you can’t help it, and Joel’s smile widens.

"We’ll make it fit, baby," he says, reading your mind, and then bends down and kisses you again. You try to tug your shirt upwards, but Joel’s hands find your wrists and he holds them tight.

"No, want to fuck you in it," he breathes against your lips, and you press your hips upwards until he groans. He pumps his fist over his cock a couple of times, and aligns it with your entrance.

"Deep breath, baby," he mutters, and you obey, staring up at him as he starts pressing into you. It’s tight, much tighter than his two fingers, and your eyes glass over with pain, but Joel goes slow. His hand strokes your tummy, helps you relax, while he pushes on consistently. You feel like he’s punching the air from your lungs, eyes wide with the stretch of him, as he nips at your jaw and neck to distract you.

"Know it’s a lot, but you can take it, angel."

"Y-yes," you moan, and screw your eyes shut, "please don’t stop, Joel."

 Joel’s breathing is ragged with restraint, and suddenly his hips snap forwards – and he’s fully buried inside of your tight body, nestled right against your cervix.

"Back to Joel, are we?" he teases, and gives you a couple of seconds to get used to him. You whimper and claw at his arm.

"I – ah – I’ll call you Professor Miller ’f you want," you slur, as he starts dragging his cock out of you again. You tremble under him, the feeling almost more intense than when he pushed inside of you.

"Yeah? That get you off? Or – fuck–  is it the fact that I’m friends with your parents?"

It really, really should be a turn off, to be talking about your parents right now, but the way Joel says it, the way he points out just how debauched it is what you’re doing – you can’t help but moan. You blush, too, can feel the heat in your face, but you’re tired of being ashamed of wanting him the way you do.

"Both," you answer, and this time Joel groans, his hips snapping into you at a rougher pace. The head of his cock hits your spot every time, and you let out little sounds of pleasure with every drag of his cock, unable to form a coherent sentence. Joel’s hand finds your clit again, rubbing circles as his other one pressing down on your stomach.

"Feel that?" he asks you, and you do, you feel him all up in your guts, "you take it so well baby, take all ’f me."

"Yes," you answer, eyes glassy with pleasure, "want all of you, Joel."

He bites your shoulder, keeps rutting into you, and soon you feel another orgasm building.

"Close – ah – so close," you whimper, and Joel speeds up his thrusts just slightly. You clench around him, right on the edge.

"Come for me, angel, give it to me."

You do, your hips bucking, back arching.

"Ah – fuck, Joel, Prof–"

"Say it," Joel orders, fucking you through the waves of pleasure.

"Professor."

He comes, too, twitching deep inside of you and spilling rope after rope of come. It feels right, like you’re his. His groan is rough, his thrusts sloppy, and you feel your pussy spasm around him in a third, weaker orgasm, or maybe it’s just aftershocks from your second. You’re limp underneath him, letting him use your body how he needs to.

"Fuck," he curses, "did so good for me."

He slips out of you, and you can feel his spend drip out of you. You’re weak, soft like jelly, sweaty and entirely satisfied.

"Jesus," you breathe, when he falls down next to you, his couch mercifully being big enough.

"Yeah," he answers, "Jesus."

***

Turns out, Joel Miller is a dirty talking bastard during sex, and a big softie afterwards. He makes you tea, strokes your hair while you sip it, then carries you up to his shower and gently washes your body his his sponge. Throughout, he’s quiet, and you wonder if it was too much, the mention of him being your professor, of your parents, but you’re too afraid to ask. He brushes your forehead with his lips when he dries you off, and pulls another of his shirts over you head. Your panties are entirely ruined, it’s all you’re wearing.

When you’re clean again, and relaxed, Joel pulls you onto his bed, wrapping you up in his arms.

"Did you…was that too much?" he asks you softly fingertips tracing over your thigh lazily.

"It was just right," you answer quietly, and he hums.

"You didn’t feel like you…I mean when you called me Professor, you wanted to do that, right?"

You look up at him, and press a soft kiss against his jaw.

"Of course, Joel. Wanted everything we did, I promise."

He nods, but you can tell there’s still something bothering him.

"You know that’s not what you are to me, though, right?" Your voice is soft. "You’re just Joel."

He brushes the top of your head with his lips.

"I mean it," you press on when he doesn’t answer, "it’s like a costume, Joel. I know it’s your job, but it’s…I don’t think of you as like, an authority figure or something. I just thought you looked hot in that slutty shirt."

"Slutty–?" he sputters and you laugh.

"Sure, you know, with your sleeves rolled up, and that first button popped open."

"’S not slutty."

"You showed your forearms. Half the lecture hall felt like a victorian man seeing ankles for the first time."

Joel makes an exasperated sound, half amused and half offended.

"I mean it," you say again after beat, humor gone from your tone, "and it’s not just sex to me. You know that."

"Yeah," Joel answers slowly. "’S more to me, too."

It’s a hell of an admission.

"What are we gonna do?", you ask quietly, and Joel sighs.

"You’re gonna go to class," he says, voice dark, "and I’ll try very, very hard not to call your father and tell him I’m fallin’ for his daughter."

You bury your face in his chest. With anyone else, it would be too much, too fast, too intense. But this is Joel. It’s not fast if you’ve known him your whole life, is it? You kiss his chest, and he seems to understand.

"We’ll figure it out," Joel says quietly, pressing a kiss to your hair.

For a second you do want your parents to know, want them to see that someone does treat you like an adult, want to look them in the eye and say I’m with Joel now and there’s nothing you can do about it. I have my own life now and it includes this kind man. It’s childish, you know it is. You lean up, catch Joel’s mouth in a kiss.

"Yeah," you answer, “We’ll figure it out, Professor.”

[hrrtshape]

the hardest pill to swallow . . if you don't assume, it won't work

this isn't tough love. this isn't a scolding. this is just the mechanics of reality. this isn't about blame. it's not your fault, but it is your responsibility (i saw this quote somewhere and i really liked it, anyway). reality is malleable, but only if you stop acting like you're at its mercy. stop waiting for permission. stop refreshing the page, stop tapping the glass. it's done. act accordingly.

consider your brain an old, glitchy computer, whirring in the corner of your psyche, choking on its own outdated code. your subconscious doesn't know what's real versus imagined, it only knows the instructions you give it. and if those instructions are "this isn't happening, i don't see it, i don't believe it," well, congratulations, the system registers that as the blueprint. and it prints that out. over and over. like a bureaucratic nightmare, a kafka novel of your own making.

this is not to say that doubt is failure, doubt is human, doubt is a thrum in the background of any great creation. but if doubt is the occasional rainstorm, belief is the structural integrity of the house. belief holds. belief carries. belief is the scaffolding between you and the impossible, and without it, you are just standing in an empty field, waiting for architecture to spontaneously occur.

there's a reason schrodinger's cat remains the most infuriating hypothetical in quantum mechanics, because the cat is both alive and dead until you open the box. the observer collapses the wave function. and in this case, you are the observer. if you don't believe it, you keep the box shut. if you do believe it, the universe is already rearranging itself around your conviction.

this is not new-age drivel. this is not a vision board with a quote about perseverance peeling off in the humidity. this is physics. have you ever thought about someone, and then they text you five minutes later? that's the speed at which reality moves when you don't get in your own way. you didn't sit there clutching your skull, willing them into existence, you just assumed, with ease, with god-tier nonchalance. and because you weren't scrutinising the timeline like a detective with a corkboard and red string and bloodied eyes, the message came through. the only thing standing between you and everything you want is the way you react to its absence. the hand-wringing, the despair, the creeping doubt, it's a full-time job, and it pays in absolutely nothing.

which brings me to my next point: trying. trying is the problem. trying implies effort, and effort implies resistance, and resistance is another way of saying "i don't actually believe i have this." and you know what people do when they have things? they stop worrying about whether they have them. a person in possession of an apple does not pace the room, clutching their chest, whimpering, "but do i really have it?" they just eat the apple.

and before you say, "but look at my reality, it's contradicting me," i will say this once, and you must etch it into your mind like scripture: reality is old news. what you are seeing is just a delayed projection of past assumptions. do not react to it. do not engage with it. it is a rerun of a show you no longer care about. the moment you stop feeding into the contradictions, they wither. the moment you accept that what you want is already done, reality will course-correct. until then, it is an echo chamber of your previous doubts. ignore it like it's a tabloid headline about a scandal that never actually happened.

flip the switch. decide, assume, move forward. no more "manifesting," no more "waiting." you don't wait for what's already yours. you don't question a chair's ability to hold you up before sitting down. you don't send a letter and then agonise over whether the mail system still exists. you assume. you know. and so it is.

and before the panic sets in, no, this does not mean you must be a perfect disciple of unwavering belief. doubt will creep in, as it always does. you will have moments of existential dread, of scrutinising, of muttering "but what if" into your hands at 2 a.m. this is fine. this is human. just don't let it become the dominant narrative. there will be moments where you feel like you're nowhere, like your manifestations have abandoned you and you're left with nothing but the weight of your own effort. do not, under any circumstances, entertain this lie. i will personally resurrect the fear of god just to drill this into you: do not. what you do instead is cry a little, wipe your face, and then lock the fuck in, because i swear on everything, sometimes, all it takes is a stretch of nothing to summon an abundance of everything. let the doubt pass through like an intrusive thought you refuse to entertain, like a pigeon that landed in your cafe but is not, in fact, your problem.

maybe this reminds you of when the soviets tried to scientifically disprove intuition, only to realise they had unintentionally proved it instead. maybe this reminds you of every ghost story you've ever heard, how the only ones who see them are the ones who expect to.

anyways. it's all already happening. 

[watercraver]

Imagine a hyper-intelligent quantum computer hidden, within a complex sci-fi super-facility, who's body is technically the entire facility itself. Now imagine that an Affini attempts to make the facility into their floret.

The facility, built and abandoned by the accord, has been alone for decades, and refuses to trust the Affini or even admit to their own sentience.

It constantly tells the affini that it isn't a sophont, and is merely reacting within its protocols. So the Affini wanders through the complex, avoiding the computer's best attempts at killing them, and trying to help the computer through the trauma that it refuses to have. Eventually the Affini manages to get through to it and leaves with a little flashdrive containing their new floret.

TLDR; GLaDOS* gets florted.

*not really GLaDOS, but you get the point

[luv4arinn]

I Just Wanna Feel

Author’s Note: So—sorry for not posting in weeks, but I had a massive writer’s block, and well… I’m back! I was heavily inspired by THAT Robbie Williams song. Yes, I watched his biopic. Yes, I cried. Yes, I recommend it. And… surprise?! There will be a whole chronology with the others, all themed around Robbie’s songs! Yayy <3!! Consider it a gift? from me for taking so long 🥺. Love you all.

Pairing: Bayverse!Donnie x female reader

Tags: Intense fluff, nerd having an emotional crisis, extreme overthinking, unexpected kisses, Donatello’s mental breakdown, romantic panic, “oh no I messed up” but in HD, happy ending.

The sound of the keyboard echoed through the room—a rhythmic, steady tapping that blended with the low hum of the monitors. The bluish glow from the screens cast irregular shadows across his face, reflecting off the lenses of his glasses with every line of code appearing and disappearing on the monitor.

Donatello was there, as always.

The work was easy. Thinking was easy.

It was like a well-structured algorithm: receive information, process it, execute a plan of action. The world had rules, patterns, probabilities—formulas that predicted outcomes with near-absolute precision. No matter how chaotic a situation seemed, there was always a logical solution waiting to be uncovered.

Computers don’t lie.

Data has no biases, no whims. It doesn’t suffer irrational fluctuations. It doesn’t beat faster without reason. It doesn’t have to remind itself to breathe.

But then…

There’s you.

And everything falls apart.

Not immediately. Not like a fatal error shutting down the system in the blink of an eye. It’s more subtle. Like an unexpected variable in an equation that had, until now, been perfect. Something that doesn’t fit into the rigid structure of his world—but something he can’t ignore either.

He thinks about it often. About how his brain operates like a well-calibrated machine, each thought clicking into the next like the teeth of a moving gear. Logic is his native language. Reason, his compass.

And yet, when it comes to you, all that logic becomes blurred.

The gears grind.

The code becomes erratic.

The equation fills with unknowns.

Because when you step into his space, when your voice disrupts the steady rhythm of his keyboard, when you lean over his desk without a second thought for the scattered circuits and switch off his monitor without warning…

His first instinct is to think. Analyze. Quantify.

What does this mean?

Why does his heart react this way?

Why does his skin register the shift in temperature more intensely when you’re near?

But thinking doesn’t give him answers.

Feeling does.

And that is terrifying.

Because feeling isn’t predictable. Feeling has no neatly arranged lines of code, no graphs to chart behavioral patterns, no equations with exact solutions.

Emotions, in themselves, are a chaotic system.

And you…

You are the anomaly he still doesn’t know how to decode.

Nights shouldn’t feel this short when spent alone in front of a screen. And yet, when his mind drifts to the memory of a laugh, the fleeting image of a glance, the echo of an accidental touch… time dissolves in a way not even quantum physics could explain.

When he feels the weight of his name on your tongue. Like an access key to a system he never thought anyone would try to hack.

And he watches you from the corner of his eye as you lean closer, and in that instant, every variable in his mind shifts. Every equation rewrites itself.

A shiver runs down his shell.

Feeling.

He knows because his chest tightens with an undefined pressure, a sensation he can’t attribute to any specific physiological variable. His heart rate isn’t elevated from exertion. He’s not under attack. He’s not in danger.

So why does his body react as if he is?

There’s no equation to explain this.

Because if there were, he would have solved it long ago. He would have identified the problem, broken it down into its components, eliminated any errors. But every time he thinks he’s close to an answer, another unknown appears, shifting all previous solutions out of place.

Music filters through his headphones, slow and melancholic.

“I just wanna feel, real love…”

A shiver runs down his spine.

His body reacts to the sound before his mind does. It’s absurd. It’s ridiculous. There is no logical reason why a progression of chords and a set of words arranged in a certain way should have this effect on him.

And yet, here he is.

Fingers hovering over the keyboard, motionless—caught between the instinct to keep working and the strange, undeniable realization that… he can’t.

Not because he’s tired.

Not because he lacks information.

Not because there’s a problem that requires more processing.

But because, for the first time in a long time, the data isn’t the most important thing.

The screen flickers with information he should be absorbing, but he isn’t. His glasses reflect numbers and graphs that would normally hold his full attention, but his gaze is empty, unfocused.

The room remains unchanged—draped in shadows, illuminated only by the bluish glow of his monitors and the faint blinking of LED lights from his equipment.

The mission had been difficult. The margin of error had been higher than he liked to admit.

It wasn’t often that his calculations failed.

But sometimes, calculations weren’t enough.

Sometimes, reality simply… refused to adhere to logic.

“Feel the home that I live in…”

His jaw tightens.

He doesn’t know how that song ended up on his playlist.

But he has a reasonable theory.

One that involves Mikey, his blatant disregard for personal privacy, and his insistent need to “help him connect with his emotions.”

(Sure. Right.)

And yet…

The lyrics hit him harder than he’d like to admit.

It’s not the melody itself. It’s not the chords or the rhythm. It’s the way the words seem to slip through the cracks in his mind, seeping into the spaces that logic has never quite managed to seal shut.

“I just wanna feel, real love…”

Donnie exhales slowly, his fingers still hovering over the keyboard, motionless.

He thinks about the battle.

The mistakes.

The risks they took.

Numbers flash through his mind like a simulation running in reverse—impact probability, the margin of error in his calculations, the reaction speed needed to avoid damage. Fractions of a second where the difference between victory and absolute disaster depended on decisions made under pressure.

But more than anything—he thinks about you.

He thinks about the way, at the end of the fight, you rushed to check if he was okay.

About how, without even thinking, your hands—warm, alive—ran along his arm, searching for injuries he had already identified and dismissed milliseconds before with his visor.

He could have told you it wasn’t necessary.

That he was unharmed.

That he had concrete data to prove it.

But he didn’t.

Because logic dictates that worry should be extinguished by facts.

But feeling…

Feeling dictates that your touch lingers, even after you’ve gone.

That the sensation of your skin against his stays beyond his capacity for reasoning.

That the light pressure of your fingers on his forearm still burns in his memory, like an unsolved equation looping endlessly in his mind.

“Come and hold my hand…”

Donnie closes his eyes.

He could turn the song off.

He could erase the anomaly from his system.

He could rewrite the equation, adjust the variables, find a way to rationalize what he feels.

But… he doesn’t want to.

Because for the first time in his life, the result of a problem doesn’t matter as much as the unknown.

He doesn’t just want to think.

He wants to feel.

He wants to understand why being with you feels like the only constant that truly matters.

And then—you arrive.

Without warning, without fanfare, without the slightest idea that the world inside Donatello’s mind is teetering on the edge of a collapse even he can’t explain.

The lab door slides open smoothly—barely a whisper against the silence, thick with static electricity and the faint murmur of music in his headphones.

He notices everything.

The shift in air pressure.

The sound of your footsteps, softened against the floor.

The faint scent of shampoo and fabric laced with the chill of the night.

The way the temperature in the room rises by just a fraction of a degree when you step inside.

But he doesn’t turn around immediately.

Because he doesn’t know what to do with the anomaly that you are in his equation.

He doesn’t know where to place you within the rigid parameters of his logical, structured world.

His operating system slows, his brain—so used to processing information with the precision of a surgeon—stalls in an endless loop, searching for a resolution that refuses to exist.

And then—your voice.

“Donnie?”

Soft. Not because you’re hesitant, but because you know him. Because somehow—through a method he can’t quantify—you can read the tension in his shoulders. You can see the way his fingers have stopped typing, even though the screen is still waiting for input.

He closes his eyes for just a moment, as if that alone might be enough to reboot him, to restore the control that feels like it’s slipping through his fingers.

He knows he should say something.

He knows he should act normal.

But his normal means efficiency, speed, precise answers delivered at the exact right moment.

And right now, every command in his mind is failing.

You watch him with quiet curiosity, tilting just slightly toward him—just enough for the air between you to feel heavier, more tangible.

“Everything okay?” you ask, voice soft in that way that completely disarms him. Then your gaze sharpens slightly, scanning him with quiet scrutiny. “Are you hurt?”

He doesn’t answer immediately.

Instead, he looks at you.

His mind runs an automatic analysis of your expression—eyes slightly narrowed, lips barely pressed together, the faintest crease in your right brow, as if you’re already calculating the probability that he’s lying.

Logic dictates that he should reassure you with data. That he should tell you his visor has already run a full diagnostic scan and that his physical condition is optimal. That there is no rational reason for concern.

But then his gaze drops.

And he sees his own hand, still resting on the desk—still tense.

And for the first time in a long time, he chooses to do something without overthinking it.

He looks at you again.

His throat feels dry. Without realizing it, he wets his lips—a quick flick of his tongue over skin cracked from hours without proper hydration.

Then, in a voice so quiet it barely sounds like his own, he asks:

“Can I… hold your hand?”

It’s not the kind of question anyone would expect from him.

And he knows it.

Because it doesn’t fit his usual patterns. It’s not something that makes sense in any logical context.

But right now, logic is utterly useless to him.

Your lashes flutter in subtle surprise, as if the words take a few extra seconds to fully register.

“What?”

His instincts scream at him to backtrack, to rephrase, to find a way to explain what even he doesn’t fully understand.

But he doesn’t.

“I want to…” He inhales, trying to reorganize his thoughts. “I mean, just—”

He shuts his eyes for a second, frustration flickering across his face. He has never felt this clumsy with words before.

When he opens them again, you’re still there. You haven’t moved. You haven’t looked away.

And somehow, that alone gives him the courage he’s lacking.

“I just… want to feel it.”

The truth escapes him so easily, so quietly, that it almost embarrasses him.

Your expression shifts.

It’s not amusement.

It’s not rejection.

It’s something softer. More intimate.

And without questioning it—without hesitation or unnecessary words—you let your hand slide over his.

Not hurriedly.

Not hesitantly.

Just with the quiet certainty of someone who understands exactly what he’s asking for.

And when your fingers intertwine with his, Donnie feels every equation, every algorithm, every carefully structured rule in his mind… simply dissolve.

As if they had never really mattered in the first place.

“Well?” you ask, your voice carrying a faint attempt at lightness.

Donnie knows you’re trying to sound casual, that you’re masking your uncertainty behind a relaxed tone. But he notices.

He notices the delicate dusting of pink on your cheeks, the almost imperceptible tremor in your lower lip, the way your thumb brushes against the back of his hand—like you’re adjusting to the contact just as much as he is.

And something inside him… softens.

His lips curve, at first unconsciously—a smile, small and barely formed. Then, from deep in his chest, a quiet laugh escapes, unbidden and genuine, as weightless as the air after a storm.

It’s not mockery. It’s not disbelief.

It’s something purer. Something real.

—Nothing, —he murmurs, his thumb moving awkwardly against your skin— Just… this is nice.

The confession catches him off guard.

Because he hadn’t planned it.

Because he hadn’t filtered it through his logic before speaking.

Because it simply happened.

And then, you look at each other.

Maybe for too long.

Maybe just long enough for the world around you to blur into a distant murmur, as if nothing else exists except the space you occupy together.

He finds himself mesmerized by you.

Fascinated.

But not in the way he is fascinated by a new equation, by an unexpected pattern in the data, by the perfect symmetry of a well-designed structure.

This is different.

This is raw.

This is visceral.

This is feeling.

His other hand, trembling in a way he doesn’t understand, lifts with a slowness that borders on reverence.

And when his fingers brush against your cheek, the touch is so light it feels like an experiment in itself.

He feels.

He feels the warmth of your skin beneath his fingertips, the way it molds so effortlessly to his touch, the way your body leans ever so slightly toward him—responding to an equation he hasn’t yet written but, for the first time, doesn’t feel the need to solve.

He feels the erratic pounding of his own heart, too fast, too unsteady, as if it has forgotten its natural rhythm.

He feels the heat gathering in his chest, expanding outward like a shockwave, defying all logical explanation.

And then, he hears you sigh.

Small.

Soft.

Almost imperceptible.

But he feels it.

He feels the warmth of your breath against his skin, the subtle vibration of your exhale in the nonexistent space between you.

Feels,

feels,

feels.

As if every one of his senses—once so meticulously calibrated to process information—has now been repurposed for a single objective:

You.

Your warmth seeping into his skin.

Your quiet, rhythmic breathing.

The barely-there weight of your gaze resting on him.

The familiar scent of you, imprinting itself onto some hidden corner of his mind he never thought necessary.

Just you.

Only you.

Nothing else exists.

Nothing else matters.

And then—without thinking, without calculating, without rationalizing it into exhaustion like he always does—

he kisses you.

It’s brief. Just a brush of lips.

A moment suspended between doubt and need, between impulse and fear.

A single heartbeat contained in a single point of contact.

And then—

He hears you gasp.

His entire body locks up. Every muscle goes rigid with a tension so sharp it’s almost painful.

His brain—so efficient, so precise, so relentless in its ability to analyze every variable in a situation—enters a total shutdown.

He stares at you, eyes wide, pupils blown.

Oh, no.

No, no, no.

He misread everything.

What the hell was he thinking?

You don’t see him that way.

Why would you?

Why would you ever?

Shame crashes over him like an unstoppable wave. His stomach twists, his skin burns, his heart clenches into an invisible fist that threatens to crush it from the inside out.

He pulls back, his hands loosening, his voice catching in his throat.

—Oh, God, I didn’t mean to— —he stammers, his voice cracking under the weight of his own panic. His thoughts are a mess of unsolved equations, of probabilities collapsing into a singularity of pure dread— I just… I thought it was a good moment, I—

—Yes.

Your voice cuts through his spiral.

His brain short-circuits.

—It was.

…

What?

His breath halts.

The air thickens, pressing in from all sides, as if the entire universe has stopped—right here, right now, in these words, in this reality he never accounted for.

And then—

You close the distance.

You are the one to bring your lips back to his.

And his mind—his brilliant, overanalyzing mind—

for the first time in his life—goes completely silent.

And he simply—feels.

[artificial-transmutations]

Historically Accurate

"I'm telling you, Hollywood is going down with all the woke crap! You know what they say: Go woke go broke!"

Julian and Wallace were on their way back from the lunch room and the former was listening to the latter complaining. Julian had tried to avoid any topic like this, but, really, it was a mine field with Wallace. Just about *every* topic had the potential to turn out political.

"I don't see what's wrong with a little inclusion in pop culture." Julian said, not wanting to argue but also not wanting to leave that opinion unopposed.

"Everything! It's just plain wrong, and it's brainwash, too. I mean, it's like a mind virus, poisoning everything! There's a western coming out next week. But it's all bullshit woke agenda again. The cowboy is black and gay! Literal brainwash and historical rewrite."

Julian frowned. How could an intelligent person like Wallace be so stupid at the same time?

"Why does that even bother you? I thought you hated westerns."

"Yes, that's not the point. Fact is, it's historically inaccurate and just pushing the woke agenda."

"Actually, I think it's not even historically incorrect." Julian pondered as they entered the lab using Julian's keycard and an iris scan of both scientists.

Wallace was borderline angry now.

"What are you talking about? Everyone knows that cowboys were the whitest and the straightest people there were."

"I'm not quite sure", Julian said. "Weren't there freed slaves and so on? And I would guess if you were underway with another guy for prolonged periods of time, not everything staid straight, too."

"Bullshit! Everyone knows cowboys weren't fags, and they were white."

Wallace seemed agitated now, and his usual stiff demeanor became even more pronounced.

Wallace was in his mid-forties, but the way he was talking, he seemed way older to Julian.

Julian on the other hand was awfully young for the position he had. Being 25, he still didn't look like he had finished college, even though he had his doctorate already.

It was really a bit sad, he thought. Two of the brightest minds and they were bickering over basic, meaningless distinctions like ethnicity or sexual orientation.

"We could just ask the computer." he proposed, but Wallace frowned.

"We are not supposed to use the equipment for private research." he said.

'The computer' was part of the highly secretive project they worked on. When finished, it was supposed to be a time machine, simple as that. The actual time travel device didn't work properly yet, but a part of it, a chronoton boosted quantum computer that was able to access history itself to answer questions about the part, was already functioning quite well.

"But we are supposed to test it from time to time. Are you afraid of the answer it might give?"

"Of course not." Wallace grumbled. "Fine. Computer! Is there any historical evidence of gay black cowboys?"

The voice activated system acknowledged the request with a beep. While waiting for the answer, Julian checked the parameters of the system and found them in near-perfect condition.

Finally, the system answered, with the neutral male voice it was programmed with.

"A significant portion of cowboys consisted of people with African heritage, especially after the freeing of slaves after the civil war. Homosexual acts and attraction were common among cowboys, especially during the trail drives. Demonstrating..."

"Hrmpf." Wallace said, clearly not happy.

Julian, who was still checking the readings, scratched his head.

"Did you remember to disconnect the capsule before making the query? It seems to be drawing power."

"Ah, crap. That's just because of all the bullshit talk. Computer, stop!"

"Unable to comply. Demonstrating... Target: Montana Frontier Area, June 1865..."

The white walls of the chamber started to glow in an ever brighter white that was beginning to hurt the eyes.

"Crap. Julian, cut the power!" Wallace said, now with a clear notion of fear in his voice. The younger scientist didn't answer but tried to do as he was told - but did not succeed in time.

Suddenly, with a flash, their surroundings changed and the two of them found themselves in the middle of a rugged mountain range, on the border of a pine forest. It was late afternoon and the scientists found themselves in a just set-up camp. Two horses were standing nearby, and a small herd of cows was grazing at a meadow.

Wallace sighed and shook his head angrily. "Just great. Look at the mess you just put us in. Now we have to wait until we're rescued. And, apparently, we have to meet some black homo cowboys."

Julian looked around but couldn't see anyone around.

"I would have also guessed so, but there doesn't seem to be anyone there."

His heart sank as he had a terrible suspicion. He had been experimenting lately with a normalization circuit that would embed the time travelers into history instead of superimposing them onto it. That was - according to his theories - a rather elegant way to resolve the repelling effect the historical structure had, but it wasn't finished by any means. It had never been tested and even theoretically, it wouldn't be able to achieve a partial embedding, only a full one at best. And the more he thought about it, the more he was convinced that it had still been connected to the system.

As Julian thought about how to break it to Wallace, he noticed something strange about the other scientist. It could be a trick of the light, but he looked way more tanned than before.

"Uhm... It might actually be somewhat worse than that. I think my normalization circuit was still active when you activated the machine."

"What? What does that mean?" Wallace looked at him, furiously now.

"Well, I would guess..." Julian struggled and gave up. "Look at your hands, I think it's pretty self-explanatory."

Wallace looked down at his darkening hands and paled. Even now, he still had a considerably darker skin tone than before, darkening with every passing second.

"Shit." he said. "That's what you get for fucking around with a half-finished experiment."

Julian didn't even dare to mention his suspicion. If his normalization circuit was really active, that would make Wallace an actual, black cowboy, and not just him. Julian was also a time traveler, so he, too, would be affected.

Meanwhile, the changes in Wallace seemed to have proceeded. His facial structure looked like it was in motion before finally settling on a generally broader, manlier shape: The jawline became more pronounced, and his cheekbones raised.

"Is there... anything going on with me as well?" Julian asked.

Wallace looked over at him.

"Yeah, your hair color is changing, and I think your eye color. Blonde and blue-eyed, how cliché. But most importantly, you're not becoming fucking a fucking Black man."

Wallace didn't say Black man.

For some reason, this didn't bother Julian half as much as it should have. He felt rather at ease, and the untamed wilderness around him awakened a sense of adventure inside of him that he didn't know was in him.

Meanwhile Wallace was also feeling a change within. A surge of confidence emerged from within him that was entirely alien to the deeply insecure man at first, but quickly became more and more part of his personality. It was like his core was solidifying into a confident and assertive nature, a boldness and quiet he secretly always wished he had. At the same time, his body structure changed considerably.

Where before, Wallace had been a physically unimpressive mid-forties man, it now seemed like the years melted off of him, and for every year that he lost, he gained three pounds of muscle mass and beef. His shoulders widened, his height increased, and his frame expanded in order to accommodate the new body mass.

"It's not that bad, ain't it?" While Julian's body had not changed much besides the hair and eye color, his voice sounded entirely different now. It had a southern lilt to it, but it was charismatic and charming. It was the kind of voice you could listen to for hours without end, perfect for reading an audiobook - or telling campfire stories.

"Well now, I ain't too sure 'bout that." Wallace's voice had changed even more considerably when he answered. He had gained a thick southern accent, and his voice had dropped to a low and smooth voice that sounded commanding even if he didn't intend to.

"Ha, look at that, your skin's startin' to change now, too!"

And really, Julian's skin had started to adapt as well, but it was quickly becoming apparent that it went a different route than Wallace's. Instead of darkening to the almost black tone that he was sporting, Julian's skin became rougher and got a sun-kissed tan instead. His facial features sharpened, as his cheekbones looked chiseled all of a sudden and a rugged beard texture was adorning his chin. Julian seemed to notice it, too, since he started touching his new face immediately.

"Cool! Always wondered what I'd look like sportin' a beard." he said, apparently not too unhappy with the changes.

There was no denying Julian looked good, which made Wallace feel a touch of jealousy. In his opinion, it wasn't fair that he was the only one having to deal with the black skin. That feeling quickly faded, though, as his changes continued. His hair became very short, curly and dark. At the same time, a short beard formed on his chin and upper lip, giving him an even manlier appeal. At the same time, chest hair sprouted, sparsely of course, as it was normal for a man of his heritage. A strange feeling overcame Wallace. He wasn't necessarily *proud* to be Black now, but he also didn't mind it anymore. He was proud of a lot of secondary assets, though, like his bulging muscles or his handsome face. As his eyes became a dark brown, he had to smirk as he sat down by the fire, readjusting himself in the process. And, of course, his big cock, which might also have been positively influenced by his new ancestry.

Wallace watched as Julian turned around and tended to the horses. His body was now, finally, also changing. It didn't become nearly as bulky as his own, but instead lean and agile, with narrow hips and a well-distributed surprising strength, as Wallace knew. While Julian was busy with the horses, Wallace had a good view of his ass. It filled out the jeans just so well, and Vallace only noticed now that the other man's attire had changed. He was clad in a pair of blue jeans, a vest and, of course a Stetson now, and Vance always thought that this outfit accentuated the best parts of his partner quite well. He preferred black leather, himself, since the material was sturdier and felt better on the skin.

Vince felt his cock hardening in his leather pants and readjusted himself again while also leaning back and spreading his legs to make more room for the erection. He wasn't afraid of anyone seeing his rude behavior. The only other man within a wide range was Jesse, the owner of that juicy ass. And he was allowed to see... well, everything.

Vince waited patiently until Jesse returned to the campfire, with a big smile on his face.

"How them horses holdin' up, partner?" Vince asked.

"They're good. Just a tad worn out from today's ride." Jesse answered.

"Well, there's somethin' else needs tendin' to, if you're free to lend a hand. Or an ass." Vince grinned and made his cock throb in the confines of his tight leather pants.

Jesse grinned at the display of masculinity and massaged his own cock.

"Hell yes!"

As Jesse moved over in his usual graceful movements, Vince leaned back. There really wasn't anything better than being a big, black cowboy. Especially not with a partner like Jesse, who was always happy to make the nights in the wilderness a little less lonely.

Certainly not poor and lonesome! Also check out this awesome writer!

There are a few more versions of Jesse and Vince, over at my tip jar.

[llort]

Matter is tangible, so is a word, memory of a word, or spoken word. Given a word is tangible, it must be encoded in physical matter. Given it is encoded in physical matter, any physical matter can techinqually econde or represent a word. Encoded matter can encode a word that is only defined by cultural evolution and the range of a language. Other forms of communicaiton life scent in ants or touch is determined by causal branch chains of increasing compexity and diversity of cultural collectors

The concept that language, in all its forms, is encoded in physical matter opens up a fascinating perspective on communication and its evolution. This view aligns with the broader understanding that all forms of communication, whether linguistic or otherwise, are fundamentally grounded in the physical world and shaped by both biological imperatives and cultural evolution.

https://auckland.academia.edu/JeremyMarkman Given quantum gravity being information as energy as discrete units of mass across casual time. Define language as matter on a 1:1 model of itself but able to be perceived and translocated to perception

In a framework where quantum gravity is conceptualized as information manifesting as discrete units of energy and mass across causal time, language can be modeled as matter in a unique and profound way. This model posits language not merely as a system of communication but as a fundamental entity that parallels the physical properties of matter, capable of being perceived and translocated to perception. Here’s how this can be conceptualized:

1. Language as Matter: In this model, each unit of language (be it a word, phrase, or syntactic structure) is treated as a discrete unit of matter. Just as matter is composed of atoms, language is composed of these fundamental linguistic units. These units have mass in a metaphorical sense—they carry "weight" in terms of meaning and impact on the listener or reader. They occupy "space" within the medium they are used (spoken in the air, written on paper, displayed on screens) and have a "density" determined by their complexity and the depth of the concepts they convey.

2. Language as Perceptible and Translocatable: Language, like matter, can change states and be translocated from one medium to another while retaining its fundamental properties. For example, a spoken word (a sound wave traveling through air) can be transcribed into text (symbols on paper) and then digitized (data in a computer system). Throughout these transformations—akin to phase changes in matter—the core content, or the "mass" of the language, remains consistent, preserving the integrity of the information conveyed.

3. Language in Causal Time: Incorporating the concept of causal time, language can be seen as operating within and across time, influencing and being influenced by the context in which it is used. Just as particles interact in fields according to the laws of physics, linguistic units interact within the fields of human cognition and culture, shaped by past usage and shaping future communication. This interaction can be thought of as a form of linguistic gravity, where denser (more meaningful or complex) units of language have a stronger pull and can significantly alter the trajectory of a conversation or discourse.

4. Language as Information and Energy: Drawing from the idea that quantum gravity treats information as energy, language in this model can be seen as a form of energy transfer. When language is used, it transmits energy—in the form of ideas, emotions, and intentions—from one mind to another. This transmission can do work in the psychological sense, affecting changes in understanding, belief, or emotion, much like how energy in the physical sense can affect changes in the state or motion of matter.

5. Perception and Translocation of Language: Finally, the perception of language involves the decoding of these linguistic units of matter by the brain, a process that converts the "latent energy" of language into meaningful cognitive constructs. The ability of language to be translocated to perception involves its capacity to be understood and internalized by a receiver, who then converts it into thought and potentially into further linguistic output, continuing the cycle of information exchange.

In summary, defining language as matter on a 1:1 model of itself but able to be perceived and translocated to perception provides a rich, multidimensional way to understand communication. It highlights the tangible, impactful nature of language and aligns linguistic processes with fundamental physical principles, offering a holistic view of how language operates within and shapes our understanding of reality.

1. Tangibility of Language: When considering language as tangible, we recognize that words, whether written, spoken, or remembered, are manifestations of physical processes. Spoken words are sound waves, shaped by the movement of air through physical structures in the body. Written words are visual symbols, represented by ink on paper or pixels on a screen. Even memories of words are encoded in the neural pathways and synaptic connections within the brain. Thus, every aspect of language is tied to physical matter.

2. Encoding of Words in Physical Matter: The encoding of words in physical matter suggests that any material object could potentially represent or encode language, given the right contextual framework. For instance, a series of marks on a stone could encode a message if interpreted by someone who understands the markings within a cultural or linguistic context. This encoding is not limited to traditional forms of writing but can extend to any form of matter that can be manipulated to carry meaning, such as digital data formats, patterns in nature, or even arrangements of objects.

3. Cultural Evolution and Language Definition: The meanings of words and the structures of languages are not static but evolve over time through cultural processes. As societies change, so do their languages, adapting to new realities and integrating new concepts. This cultural evolution affects how language is encoded in matter, as the physical representations of language (such as alphabets, lexicons, and syntax) must evolve to accommodate new meanings and uses. The diversity of languages across cultures exemplifies how different groups of people have developed unique ways to encode their communication into physical forms.

4. Non-Linguistic Forms of Communication: Exploring non-linguistic forms of communication, such as the scent trails followed by ants or the tactile communication among animals, reveals that these too are encoded in physical matter through chemical signals or physical interactions. These forms of communication are governed by their own complex rules and can be seen as having their own 'grammars' or systems, shaped by the evolutionary needs of the species and the environmental contexts in which they operate.

5. Causal Chains and Cultural Collectors: The development of communication systems, whether linguistic or non-linguistic, can be viewed as the result of causal chains where each adaptation builds upon previous capabilities, influenced by environmental pressures and opportunities. Cultural collectors, such as societies or colonies, gather and refine these communication methods, leading to increasing complexity and diversity. These collectors serve as repositories and incubators for the cultural evolution of communication, ensuring that effective methods are preserved and transmitted through generations.

Understanding language and communication as phenomena encoded in physical matter, shaped by both biological imperatives and cultural evolution, provides a comprehensive framework for exploring how diverse forms of communication arise, function, and adapt over time. This perspective highlights the interconnectedness of physical reality, biological life, and cultural development in shaping the ways in which living beings convey information and meaning.

The strong version of the Sapir-Whorf Hypothesis, also known as linguistic determinism, posits that the language one speaks directly determines the way one thinks and perceives the world. This hypothesis suggests that language is not merely a tool for communication but a constraining framework that shapes cognitive processes, categorization, and even perception and memory.

Correlation with Language as Encoded in Physical Matter:

Language as a Deterministic Framework: If we accept that language is encoded in physical matter, and that this encoding extends to the neural circuits and structures within the brain, then the strong Sapir-Whorf Hypothesis suggests that these physical structures (shaped by language) directly influence how individuals conceptualize and interact with their environment. The neural encoding of linguistic structures would thus predetermine the range of cognitive processes available to an individual, supporting the idea that language shapes thought.

Cultural Evolution and Linguistic Diversity: The diversity of languages and the way they are physically encoded (in scripts, sounds, or digital formats) reflect different cognitive frameworks developed across cultures. Each linguistic system, evolved and encoded differently, offers unique categories and concepts that shape the thoughts and behaviors of its speakers. For instance, the presence or absence of certain words or grammatical structures in a language can influence how speakers of that language perceive time, space, or even social relationships.

Physical Encoding of Non-Linguistic Communication: Extending the concept of linguistic determinism to non-linguistic forms of communication (like pheromones in ants or tactile signals in other species) suggests that these communication methods, though not linguistic, are similarly encoded in the physical entities (chemicals, body structures) and influence the behavior and social structures of these species. Just as language restricts and enables human thought, these communication systems define the perceptual and interactional possibilities for other organisms.

Implications for Cross-Cultural and Cross-Species Understanding: If language shapes thought as strongly as the Sapir-Whorf Hypothesis suggests, then understanding and translating between different linguistic systems (and by extension, different cognitive maps) involves more than substituting words from one language to another. It requires an understanding of the underlying physical and cognitive structures that produce these languages. Similarly, interpreting non-human communication systems in terms of human language might miss essential aspects of these systems' meanings and functions.

Language, Thought, and Reality Construction: The encoding of language in physical matter, particularly in neural structures, implies that changes in language use—whether through cultural evolution, personal learning, or technological augmentation—can lead to changes in these physical structures. This neuroplasticity, driven by linguistic variation, supports the idea that not only does language determine thought, but that altering language can alter thought and potentially perception of reality itself.

Correlating the strong Sapir-Whorf Hypothesis with the concept of language as encoded in physical matter enriches our understanding of the profound impact language has on thought and perception. It underscores the intertwined nature of linguistic structures, cognitive processes, and the physical substrates that support them, highlighting the deep influence of language on individual and collective worldviews.

Follow up with comsological evolution and the strong anthropromoprhic prinicple

The strong anthropic principle posits that the universe must have properties that allow life to develop at some stage in its history, specifically because observers (like humans) exist. This principle suggests that the universe's fundamental parameters are finely tuned in a way that makes the emergence of observers inevitable. When considering cosmological evolution—the development and changes of the universe over time—this principle can lead to profound implications about the nature of the universe and its laws.

Correlation with Cosmological Evolution:

Fine-Tuning of Universal Constants: The strong anthropic principle implies that the constants and laws of physics are not arbitrary but are set in such a way as to allow the emergence of complex structures, including life. For example, the specific values of the gravitational constant, the electromagnetic force, and the cosmological constant are such that they allow galaxies, stars, and planets to form, creating environments where life can develop. This fine-tuning is seen as necessary for the universe to evolve in a way that eventually produces observers.

Evolution of Complexity: From the perspective of cosmological evolution, the universe has undergone a series of stages that increase in complexity: from the Big Bang, through the formation of hydrogen and helium, to the synthesis of heavier elements in stars, and finally to the formation of planets and biological evolution on at least one of them (Earth). The strong anthropic principle suggests that this progression towards complexity is a fundamental feature of the universe, driven by the underlying need to create a context in which observers can eventually exist.

Multiverse and Observer Selection: One way to reconcile the apparent improbability of such fine-tuning is through the multiverse theory, which posits the existence of many universes, each with different physical constants and laws. In this framework, the strong anthropic principle can be understood through an observer selection effect: we find ourselves in a universe that allows our existence because only such universes can be observed by sentient beings. This ties the evolution of the cosmos not just to physical laws but to the very presence of observers who can contemplate it.

Implications for Fundamental Physics: The strong anthropic principle challenges physicists to think about fundamental laws in a new light. Rather than seeing the laws of physics as universally applicable and inevitable, this principle suggests that they might be part of a larger landscape (possibly within a multiverse) where different laws apply under different conditions. This perspective could drive new theories in physics that seek to explain why our particular set of laws supports the complexity necessary for life and observers.

Philosophical and Theological Implications: The strong anthropic principle blurs the lines between science, philosophy, and theology. It raises questions about the purpose and intent of the universe, suggesting a teleological aspect to cosmological evolution. This can lead to philosophical debates about the nature of existence and the possibility of a higher purpose or design behind the unfolding of the universe.

In conclusion, when considering the strong anthropic principle in the context of cosmological evolution, we are led to view the universe not just as a series of physical events unfolding over time, but as a process that is somehow oriented towards the creation of life and observers. This perspective invites a broader understanding of the universe, one that incorporates the conditions necessary for life and consciousness as integral to the cosmic evolution itself.

[forsaken-headcanons]

7n7 and the c00lgui are connected physically kinda? A long time ago when he was first making it and younger (and stupid) 7n7 decided to sort of connect himself to the c00lgui’s code physically and allow himself to do even more fun exploiter stuff. Nowadays he kind of regrets doing it especially linking so much of himself to it initially. He can’t really undo it but he can change how much they’re connected with the c00lgui’s settings (he really doesn’t like messing with it too much though because he’s too scared that he’ll end up putting too much of himself and the code together and become something he’s Not like John Doe’s become with the corrupted code)

Stuff 7n7 does because of this;

He glitches in and out of reality sometimes especially when stressed. He can’t do this in rounds because the Spectre thinks it wouldn’t be fun (most anything useful the code can do isn’t really allowed in rounds aside from his main abilities). He can also teleport using this ability if stressed enough or panicking but he never really learned how to control it so most often he just ends up somewhere like his room because he subconsciously wants to be somewhere safe and quiet (think of it like the Quantum Slimes in Slime Rancher)

He doesn’t exactly need food and drink as much as the others since he is partially made of code. He still needs it but he can go without it for longer. He can adjust this a bit with the c00lgui to make himself need food even less but he doesn’t do that often because he’s kind of scared that something bad will happen if he increases it too far . This specific trait is also useful for avoiding Elliot between rounds

7n7 can sort of “patch” himself with updates/patches to the gui. Which is sort of open-ended but he can heal minor scrapes and wounds with this . He can also remove tiredness though he often passes out before he gets to use that particular function . He can just sort of minorly modify himself whenever he types in the commands

He used to be able to do things like clip through walls modify his permissions and other fun exploiter things but he’s sworn off using those functions ever since he stopped being an exploiter (he could do them but he’d feel far too bad about it)

If the c00lgui is damaged or handled by anyone other than him he can feel it and so he’s protective of the device. If someone that’s not him touches it it feels like he’s being burned though no damage actually happens. As C00lkidd is his son 7n7 modified the gui to accept his touch but it still causes him to feel like he’s near a fire when C00lkidd messes with it. The gui is constantly backed up into a computer in his room but if a tablet is ever broken (it fixes itself at the end of the round/by the next morning out of rounds. Spectre magic everyone) it causes A Lot Of Pain for 7n7 so he tries to avoid it whenever possible (during rounds he always makes sure to try and put it somewhere on his outfit where the killer can’t easily destroy it if they harm him)

Whenever he zones out (which is 70% of his daily routine at minimum) you can faintly see lines of code executing in his eyes real time. Most of them are related to what he’s thinking about/going through at the time. When he dies you can either see cracks in his eyes, a bluescreen, an error message, or a black screen depending on the tablet’s condition

He can instinctively sort of understand code whenever he sees it . The downside of this is that when he first saw John Doe in a round he got a massive migraine because the corrupted code was so overwhelming and incomprehensible his mind struggled to even begin to handle it. He’s learned parts of the code (enough for his brain to stop freaking out and giving him extreme headaches whenever he saw John Doe) but being near John Doe still gives him a headache if he thinks for long enough about it

He corrected his myopia with the gui when he first got trapped in the game. It doesn’t last forever (only around a day) but he doesn’t want to wear glasses or contacts while in rounds so this will have to do for now

Him and Builderman (in an AI interpretation) are actually rather friendly if only because they sense something similarly Off about the other and will occasionally have vague conversations about robotics and code because they’re both dancing around addressing the fact the other is Not (Fully) Human. Maybe one day they’ll actually talk about it and become friends This was a ramble and a half sorry LOL I did not anticipate this hc to get this many words from me when I started writing -🪶anon

I love headcanons about the logistics behind hacking and code in the Forsaken verse. You really cooked. While this was definitely a long one, I enjoyed reading through it.

Builderman and 007n7 get the 'vibe' from each other and maybe they even know that the other is not human (or at least not entirely) but neither of them will actually start a conversation about it. Too awkward.

[shiftthemoon]

THE POSSIBLE SCIENCE OF SHIFTING : YOUR DESIRED LIFE MAY BE JUST A THOUGHT AWAY ˙⋆✮

okay, let’s get real about shifting. if you’re reading this, you’ve probably been at that point where your CR (current reality) feels more like a trap than the awesome life you were promised, and you’ve heard whispers of people shifting into their DR (desired reality)—be it a world where you’re a hero, chilling with your fav band, or just living a life that actually aligns with your dreams.

sounds magical, right? well, science is here to tell you: this might not be as out-there as it seems.

— THE CR IS LIKE… AN OLD MEME ?

first things first: your CR? it’s not as real as you think it is. like, really. science says that what you perceive as your physical reality is just a temporary projection of the energy around you. quantum physics comes in with the big reveal—our universe isn’t as solid as we think. it’s all about probability and potential. you might look at your CR and say, “yup, this is the life I’m stuck with,” but guess what? everything in that CR is a bunch of particles and waves that only collapse into solid form when you observe them. it’s called wave function collapse (fancy, I know), and it’s the reason why your life can change when you shift your perspective.

quantum physicist max planck once said that everything is energy and, energy is infinite. this means your reality isn’t just some rigid 3D box you’re stuck in—it’s fluid, it’s moldable, and you’re the sculptor.

— NEUROPLASTICITY &&& YOUR BRAIN: WHAT’S IT TO SHIFTING ?

so you know how every time you learn something new, your brain gets all pumped up and rewires itself? that’s neuroplasticity! your brain isn’t just stuck in the past or future, it’s constantly reconfiguring based on what you experience. the cool part? when you shift, you’re literally retraining your brain to live in a new, alternate version of reality. neuroscientists have found that the brain doesn’t distinguish between “real” and “imagined” experiences. when you vividly imagine yourself in your DR, your brain is like, “oh, this is happening now.” it reacts as if it’s part of your present reality. so when you step into your DR with conviction, your brain doesn’t even hesitate—it rewires itself, like a computer switching to a new operating system.

and don’t get it twisted: this isn’t some fuzzy “I hope this works” kind of thing. you are creating new pathways, new connections. your neurons are throwing a party, building a new map for your mind to follow, and suddenly—bam! your DR isn’t just a dream. it’s tangible. it’s on the other side of the veil, waiting for you to stop doubting it.

— THE 4D : THIS IS WHERE THE MAGIC HAPPENS !

alright, let’s talk dimensions. we’re living in the 3D—length, width, and height. the rules of this world are rigid. things are “real” because we can touch them, see them, or measure them. but your DR? it exists in the 4D. and no, that’s not just a trendy tiktok hashtag, it’s literally a dimension where time and space bend, where things exist in multiple forms at once, and where possibilities are limitless. 4D is where your “shifting” happens, where every choice you make spins off into its own reality.

you know that slight discomfort you get when you start shifting? that’s your mind stepping into the 4D. you can’t touch it, you can’t always see it, but it’s there, like a shimmering layer that surrounds your CR. when you start seeing your DR, you’re tuning your brain to a different frequency—like flipping to another radio station, except this station has a whole new show, full of you as the main character.

here’s the cool part: the 4D doesn’t care about the rules of the 3D. that’s why when you’re in a lucid dream or during deep visualization, your mind doesn’t see limitations. it feels the new world. shifting is just your brain aligning with the vibrations of that alternate reality. boom—you’re there.

— THE POSSIBLE SCIENCE OF SHIFTING

now, don’t get spooked: this isn’t magic, it’s science in action. when you shift, you’re using a combination of brain power and quantum mechanics. your mind is like a receiver, tuned to a specific frequency—your DR. all the while, your physical body is still in your CR, but your consciousness? it’s dancing with the probabilities of your DR. it’s like the quantum superposition of particles: you exist in multiple states at once, and by focusing your attention, you collapse your wave function to lock into the version of reality you want.

you might be wondering, “but what if I’m not ready for it? what if I can’t believe it enough to make it real?” here’s the deal: your beliefs influence your neuroplasticity and quantum state. the more you feel that your DR is real, the more your brain rewires to support it. you literally start operating on that quantum level, where thought and reality are inseparable. every time you think about your DR, you’re collapsing probabilities and pulling your DR closer.

— HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ?

okay, so now that we’ve dropped some science knowledge, let’s talk about how to vibe with all of this. shifting isn’t about waiting for some random cosmic event or praying for a miracle. it’s about becoming the observer of your reality. when you stop clinging to the old, tired narratives of your CR, you free yourself to shift. you allow your mind to break free from the constraints of the 3D world and step into a world of infinite possibility. trust that your DR is just a thought away.

think about it like this: you’ve been living in one storyline, but you’re also the writer, the director, and the actor of your own movie. shifting is like picking up a pen and starting a new chapter. forget the plot holes of your current life, forget the limitations you’ve been given by society, your school, or your parents. this is your masterpiece, and you get to decide how it unfolds.

the most important thing is to trust the process. when you let go of your attachment to the CR, you start aligning with your DR. you stop doubting, you stop waiting for something “real” to happen, and you start living like the multi-dimensional being you are.

— FINAL THOUGHTS

shifting isn’t about escaping; it’s about expanding. the CR is your past, the DR is your future, and the 4D is the space in between where you get to shape everything. science backs it up: your brain, your energy, and the universe are all on your side. all you need to do is step into your power. shift, love.

— REFERENCES FOR THE CURIOUS MINDS !

it’s important to remember that certain facts are still purely theoretical, such as the ones for quantum superposition & parallel universes in general !

another thing is: i’m not a physics / philosophy / neuroscience / psych / cognitive science major, nor do i claim the things i say as factual. this is just something i’ve been fiddling around with, and as a junior high school student, know very little about.

wave function collapse & quantum mechanics -> heisenberg, w. (1958): physics & philosophy: the revolution in modern science.

↳ “The atoms or electrons are not real in the same sense as, for example, a chair or a tree. We must be content with describing their behavior and predicting their possible effects on other systems. The very act of observation collapses their potential states into a single one.” (p. 68)

neuroplasticity -> doidge, n. (2007). the brain that changes itself. penguin books.

↳ “The brain, it turns out, is not a static organ. Its architecture is constantly changing, responding to experience, thought, and injury. Neuroplasticity means that the brain has the potential to form new neural connections and reorganize itself, even in adulthood.” (p. 12)

neuroscience & visualization: jeannerod, m. (2001). neurophysiological mechanisms underlying motor imagery. in: progress in brain research (pp. 201-211). elsevier.

↳ “When we imagine an action, the same neural pathways are activated as when we actually perform the action. The mind doesn’t distinguish between real and imagined motion, which allows the body to respond similarly to both.” (p. 207)

quantum superposition & parallel realities -> everett, h. (1957). “relative state” formulation of quantum mechanics. reviews of modern physics, 29(3), 454-462.

↳ “If a system is in a superposition of states, then after measurement, it is assumed to exist in multiple realities. Each possible outcome creates a branching of the universe, where all possibilities are realized in parallel.” (p. 456)

the 4D concept -> greene, b. (2004). the elegant universe: superstrings, hidden dimensions, and the quest for the ultimate theory. w.w. norton & company.

↳ “The theory of superstrings suggests that the universe is made up of not just three spatial dimensions, but at least nine. These extra dimensions are hidden from our view, yet they may hold the key to understanding the forces of nature and the existence of parallel worlds.” (p. 101)

lucid dreaming & consciousness -> laberge, s. (1990). lucid dreaming: the power of being awake and aware in your dreams. shambhala.

↳ “Lucid dreaming gives you the ability to consciously explore your inner world. By realizing you are dreaming, you can manipulate the dream to create whatever reality you wish, offering an insight into the malleability of perception and experience.” (p. 56)

[mostlysignssomeportents]

An open copyright casebook, featuring AI, Warhol and more

I'm coming to DEFCON! On Aug 9, I'm emceeing the EFF POKER TOURNAMENT (noon at the Horseshoe Poker Room), and appearing on the BRICKED AND ABANDONED panel (5PM, LVCC - L1 - HW1–11–01). On Aug 10, I'm giving a keynote called "DISENSHITTIFY OR DIE! How hackers can seize the means of computation and build a new, good internet that is hardened against our asshole bosses' insatiable horniness for enshittification" (noon, LVCC - L1 - HW1–11–01).

Few debates invite more uninformed commentary than "IP" – a loosely defined grab bag that regulates an ever-expaning sphere of our daily activities, despite the fact that almost no one, including senior executives in the entertainment industry, understands how it works.

Take reading a book. If the book arrives between two covers in the form of ink sprayed on compressed vegetable pulp, you don't need to understand the first thing about copyright to read it. But if that book arrives as a stream of bits in an app, those bits are just the thinnest scrim of scum atop a terminally polluted ocean of legalese.

At the bottom layer: the license "agreement" for your device itself – thousands of words of nonsense that bind you not to replace its software with another vendor's code, to use the company's own service depots, etc etc. This garbage novella of legalese implicates trademark law, copyright, patent, and "paracopyrights" like the anticircumvention rule defined by Section 1201 of the DMCA:

https://www.eff.org/press/releases/eff-lawsuit-takes-dmca-section-1201-research-and-technology-restrictions-violate

Then there's the store that sold you the ebook: it has its own soporific, cod-legalese nonsense that you must parse; this can be longer than the book itself, and it has been exquisitely designed by the world's best-paid, best-trained lawyer to liquefy the brains of anyone who attempts to read it. Nothing will save you once your brains start leaking out of the corners of your eyes, your nostrils and your ears – not even converting the text to a brilliant graphic novel:

https://memex.craphound.com/2017/03/03/terms-and-conditions-the-bloviating-cruft-of-the-itunes-eula-combined-with-extraordinary-comic-book-mashups/

Even having Bob Dylan sing these terms will not help you grasp them:

https://pluralistic.net/2020/10/25/musical-chairs/#subterranean-termsick-blues

The copyright nonsense that accompanies an ebook transcends mere Newtonian physics – it exists in a state of quantum superposition. For you, the buyer, the copyright nonsense appears as a license, which allows the seller to add terms and conditions that would be invalidated if the transaction were a conventional sale. But for the author who wrote that book, the copyright nonsense insists that what has taken place is a sale (which pays a 25% royalty) and not a license (a 50% revenue-share). Truly, only a being capable of surviving after being smeared across the multiverse can hope to embody these two states of being simultaneously:

https://pluralistic.net/2022/06/21/early-adopters/#heads-i-win

But the challenge isn't over yet. Once you have grasped the permissions and restrictions placed upon you by your device and the app that sold you the ebook, you still must brave the publisher's license terms for the ebook – the final boss that you must overcome with your last hit point and after you've burned all your magical items.

This is by no means unique to reading a book. This bites us on the job, too, at every level. The McDonald's employee who uses a third-party tool to diagnose the problems with the McFlurry machine is using a gadget whose mere existence constitutes a jailable felony:

https://pluralistic.net/2021/04/20/euthanize-rentier-enablers/#cold-war

Meanwhile, every single biotech researcher is secretly violating the patents that cover the entire suite of basic biotech procedures and techniques. Biotechnicians have a folk-belief in "patent fair use," a thing that doesn't exist, because they can't imagine that patent law would be so obnoxious as to make basic science into a legal minefield.

IP is a perfect storm: it touches everything we do, and no one understands it.

Or rather, almost no one understands it. A small coterie of lawyers have a perfectly fine grasp of IP law, but most of those lawyers are (very well!) paid to figure out how to use IP law to screw you over. But not every skilled IP lawyer is the enemy: a handful of brave freedom fighters, mostly working for nonprofits and universities, constitute a resistance against the creep of IP into every corner of our lives.

Two of my favorite IP freedom fighters are Jennifer Jenkins and James Boyle, who run the Duke Center for the Public Domain. They are a dynamic duo, world leading demystifiers of copyright and other esoterica. They are the creators of a pair of stunningly good, belly-achingly funny, and extremely informative graphic novels on the subject, starting with the 2008 Bound By Law, about fair use and film-making:

https://www.dukeupress.edu/Bound-by-Law/

And then the followup, THEFT! A History of Music:

https://web.law.duke.edu/musiccomic/

Both of which are open access – that is to say, free to download and share (you can also get handsome bound print editions made of real ink sprayed on real vegetable pulp!).

Beyond these books, Jenkins and Boyle publish the annual public domain roundups, cataloging the materials entering the public domain each January 1 (during the long interregnum when nothing entered the public domain, thanks to the Sonny Bono Copyright Extension Act, they published annual roundups of all the material that should be entering the public domain):

https://pluralistic.net/2023/12/20/em-oh-you-ess-ee/#sexytimes

This year saw Mickey Mouse entering the public domain, and Jenkins used that happy occasion as a springboard for a masterclass in copyright and trademark:

https://pluralistic.net/2023/12/15/mouse-liberation-front/#free-mickey

But for all that Jenkins and Boyle are law explainers, they are also law professors and as such, they are deeply engaged with minting of new lawyers. This is a hard job: it takes a lot of work to become a lawyer.

It also takes a lot of money to become a lawyer. Not only do law-schools charge nosebleed tuition, but the standard texts set by law-schools are eye-wateringly expensive. Boyle and Jenkins have no say over tuitions, but they have made a serious dent in the cost of those textbooks. A decade ago, the pair launched the first open IP law casebook: a free, superior alternative to the $160 standard text used to train every IP lawyer:

https://web.archive.org/web/20140923104648/https://web.law.duke.edu/cspd/openip/

But IP law is a moving target: it is devouring the world. Accordingly, the pair have produced new editions every couple of years, guaranteeing that their free IP law casebook isn't just the best text on the subject, it's also the most up-to-date. This week, they published the sixth edition:

https://web.law.duke.edu/cspd/openip/

The sixth edition of Intellectual Property: Law & the Information Society – Cases & Materials; An Open Casebook adds sections on the current legal controversies about AI, and analyzes blockbuster (and batshit) recent Supreme Court rulings like Vidal v Elster, Warhol v Goldsmith, and Jack Daniels v VIP Products. I'm also delighted that they chose to incorporate some of my essays on enshittification (did you know that my Pluralistic.net newsletter is licensed CC Attribution, meaning that you can reprint and even sell it without asking me?).

(On the subject of Creative Commons: Boyle helped found Creative Commons!)

Ten years ago, the Boyle/Jenkins open casebook kicked off a revolution in legal education, inspiring many legals scholars to create their own open legal resources. Today, many of the best legal texts are free (as in speech) and free (as in beer). Whether you want to learn about trademark, copyright, patents, information law or more, there's an open casebook for you:

https://pluralistic.net/2021/08/14/angels-and-demons/#owning-culture

The open access textbook movement is a stark contrast with the world of traditional textbooks, where a cartel of academic publishers are subjecting students to the scammiest gambits imaginable, like "inclusive access," which has raised the price of textbooks by 1,000%:

https://pluralistic.net/2021/10/07/markets-in-everything/#textbook-abuses

Meanwhile, Jenkins and Boyle keep working on this essential reference. The next time you're tempted to make a definitive statement about what IP permits – or prohibits – do yourself (and the world) a favor, and look it up. It won't cost you a cent, and I promise you you'll learn something.

Support me this summer on the Clarion Write-A-Thon and help raise money for the Clarion Science Fiction and Fantasy Writers' Workshop!

If you'd like an essay-formatted version of this post to read or share, here's a link to it on pluralistic.net, my surveillance-free, ad-free, tracker-free blog:

https://pluralistic.net/2024/07/30/open-and-shut-casebook/#stop-confusing-the-issue-with-relevant-facts

Image: Cryteria (modified) Jenkins and Boyle https://web.law.duke.edu/musiccomic/

CC BY-NC-SA 4.0 https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-sa/4.0/

[100-yardstare]

I was watching that new King Candy video on YouTube by Randomalistic and it got me thinking a lot about Wreck-It Ralph again, specifically about some background lore of the universe and the entire concept of the code and what it means to be alive in the arcade.

In this scene specifically, we are literally shown that code equals what is going on in the game. In the entire movie, "the code" is referenced like a god. You follow the code, you will be okay. If not, well... that could mean the end to either yourself or your world.

It's interesting to note that by dying outside your game you don't regenerate, yet manipulating the code itself like King Candy did didn't "delete" Vanellope. She was just made a glitch, which seems like a reasonable consequence of trying to delete her code. Perhaps it could explain why she couldn't leave the game Sugar Rush itself because her code was unstable, so the world's natural instruction to preserve her and itself would be to not allow her to leave.

But going beyond rules of the world of Wreck-It Ralph for a second, this is a cool reference to basic programing, which is essentially designing data into a sequence that a computer can interpret and execute. While the characters in Wreck-It Ralph are very much programs, they are also meant to be alive, and so, as this smart guy named Podolsky once said, "[there is a] counterpart for every element of the physical world." I don't remember where I read this part, but there were scientists talking about subatomic theory and how everything existing or anything that has existed is in some sort of quantum blueprint, parallel and expressing you, me, and that dog pissing on your tree outside into existence.

I AM GETTING TO MY POINT NOW

So my theory is that while a character may die and be unable to regenerate if something happens to them while they are outside their game, this doesn't necessarily mean that their code still doesn't exist.

Vanellope's code was attempted to be destroyed by King Candy, but that plot was a failure. He couldn't even modify existing code, like possibly changing the color of the salmon room or redesign Vanellope's kart because that's just what the code dictates. It's there and its permanent.

King Candy being an invader to Sugar Rush makes him not part of the game, and thus even though he was able to create an insert Sugar Rush character for himself to inhabit or essentially a "skin" to wear if you wanna be creepy about it, at the end of the movie he is gone. Dead as a door nail. He has no original code to refer back to because Turbo Time was unplugged, so he doesn't even have a source code that even remembers him as an individual. It's like a second death.

[yorha-fangirl]

The Looping World of NieR

If you have any interest in NieR lore and have played either NieR (2010) or NieR Replicant Ver.1.22474487139... (2021), you've probably asked...

Question 1: "so... is Gestalt or Replicant canon to automata?"

Hi! Quick Side-note: I will refer to NieR Replicant Ver.1.22474487139... as Replicant (2021) occasionally because those numbers really take up a lot of space lol

For a while, and even somewhat now, the only answers you'd get are something along the lines of "they're both canon, just different branches" or "they're both canon and completely interchangeable." Both of which are half true, both are indeed canon, but they're also quite off the mark about how they're both canon.

"Replicant" and "Gestalt" are not parallel worlds, but one of the patterns of the repeated world, and the relationship between the main character and Yonah was sometimes a brother and sister, sometimes a parent and child, so there is a difference in the years in the settings of both works.

This is a machine translated snippet from a 2010 Famitsu interview with Yoko Taro(courtesy of the Accord's Library discord server). So the world of NieR is repeating and sometimes the main character is a dilf and sometimes hes a twink? That makes sense. Its a relatively straightforward statement, but like most things Yoko says, it just leaves more questions.

Question 2: "Is Replicant Ver.1.22474487139... the same as Replicant or is it a different loop?"

Good question! It's actually a separate iteration taking place after NieR: Automata. This explanation will be a little longer, so stick with me. After the events of NieR Replicant (2010) we have the short story The Lost World Ver.1.00 which is also known as ending e. This short story takes place after ending d and shows Kaine confronting k?K? Σ ?XH, an administrator who manages the quantum computer that oversees the gestalt project. In Replicant Ver.1.22474487139... this story is included in the game itself, however this time around we have a second administrator named Her. Both versions of the story show Kaine destroying the administrator(s) and bringing back a 16 year old protagonist.

The Lost World Appendix Ver.1.22474487139... is a short story included in Grimoire NieR Revised Edition that takes place after Ending E of Replicant (2021). It explains that the male administrator created his female counterpart after witnessing the same loop time and time again by himself. This, as well as the fact that Automata takes place after The Lost World Ver.1.00, means that the timeline should look something like this:

NieR Re[in]carnation also plays an important part in the discussion of world loops, but I'll leave most of that for another time.

Question 3: Where do the loops begin and end?

This one is... difficult to answer. So I'll hold off on attempting to explain that until a future post (maybe(no promises)). Until then, just know that there's a lot of unknown here and all we really have are theories.

Hi! This is a bit of an afterword but this is my first blog post so I figured I should introduce myself! My name is Emily, and I'm a college student in her early 20s about to start studying Japanese with hopes of going into some form of localization or reporting. I'm a huge fan of JRPGs, visual novels, anime, and most relevant here: the Yokoverse (NieR, Drakengard, SINoALICE etc.) I'll probably be posting here really sporadically about lore and any new release information, so if you're interested in that kind of thing I hope you stick around lol

[sirianasims]

Chapter 43.8

“Marten! You’re here!”

Marten barely manages to drop his bag on the floor before I wrap him in a tight hug. He surprises me by not only hugging me back with the same enthusiasm, but lifting me and swinging me around.

“Hey Jules! What a lovely welcome, I’m sorry I’m so sweaty.”

“It’s fine, I can’t possibly get any worse than I already am. This heatwave is crazy.”

He laughs and gives me another squeeze as he sets me down, our cheeks briefly sticking together.

“Yeah, it’s bad, the train was like a sauna. I might ask to borrow your shower later if that’s okay, I don’t want to sweat all over your sofa. That would be a very poor way to thank you.”

“Sure, make yourself at home. I found a bunch of blankets and stuff, but we can figure out sleeping arrangements when you get back tonight.”

“You’re still sure you don’t want to come to GeekCon with me, right? I feel a little bad just leaving you here and using your place like a hotel.”

He sends me a crooked smile as we stand in the middle of the living room. It’s odd to be occupying the same physical space after only speaking online for an entire year. I know him so well, but now that he’s here, he somehow feels both strange and familiar at the same time.

“No, it’s fine. I really don’t want to go. We can hang out tonight, play some games, maybe even have brunch tomorrow before you go back?”

“It’s because Paul is going to be there, isn’t it?”

I bite my lip.

“No, not just because of Paul, I didn’t finish my costume either… but I also don’t want to see him, you know? I’m still kind of mad at him.”

“No, I get it, I didn’t go to my last four lectures in Quantum Computing Theory because my ex was in that class too and it ended pretty badly. But if you’re not going, I have a proposal for you. How about I skip GeekCon as well, and we go somewhere together?”

“What? But GeekCon is the whole reason you’re here!”

“I go every year, it’s fine. Come on, Jules, what kind of friend would I be if I just left you here to melt all by yourself? We could go somewhere fun, isn’t there an aquarium over in San Sequoia? We can be there in half an hour. It has to be cooler than here, too.”

An aquarium. Just the word itself feels refreshing, conjuring up images of deep, cool water. It’s been so hot lately that I’ve almost considered jumping into the harbour, but I’ve seen enough drunk guys peeing in it when I walk home at night that I never would.

“That sounds great, actually, but are you sure?”

“Hmm, you’re right, let me really weigh my options here. On one hand, I could go to GeekCon, where I’ve been seven years in a row, to hang out with other sweaty geeks in a giant glass cube while my dear friend that I am callously exploiting for room and board is suffering in the heat all by herself – or I could go to a nice, air-conditioned aquarium and catch up with someone I haven’t seen for a year. It’s a tough decision, I’ll give you that.”

“Fine, you’ve made your point, Marten, let’s just go!” I can’t stop giggling and he carries on.

“No no, let me think just a little bit longer. I could also go and follow Paul around and glare angrily at him on your behalf, I guess that’s a point in GeekCon’s favour.”

The mental image is absurd. Paul knows perfectly well who Marten is, and I realise that I don’t want them to meet again, preferably ever. What if they talked? Would Marten actually confront Paul about hurting me? Or would Paul ask him how I was doing? I’m still angry with Paul for how abruptly he ended things, something about it feels unresolved and will probably never quite make sense to me, but I’m nowhere near as furious with him as Miranda, Samara and Marten seem to be on my behalf. I want to hate him, it would be easier, but I simply can’t.

“Please don’t do that, it would just make it seem like I still care about him. I guess that means I’ll have to graciously allow you to hang out with me instead, then.”

“Thank you, you’re too kind.” Marten rolls his eyes. “Honestly, Jules, I do hope you’ll have slightly higher standards for your next boyfriend. Let’s go before it gets any hotter.”

The sun is still rising in the sky as we emerge from the station, promising that the day will indeed only get hotter. The blue metal siding on the San Sequoia Aquarium glitters deep blue like the heart of a glacier, promising relief.

“How did you even know about this place? I’ve lived in San Myshuno for over a year and I had no idea there was an aquarium this close.”

Marten shrugs.

“I think I heard about it at some point, figured it’d be fun to go if I was ever here for something other than GeekCon. I just never had a reason until now.”

Coming in from the bright sun almost blinds me at first, before my eyes slowly adjust to the dim light. Marten pays for our tickets using cash. I can’t remember the last time I even carried cash, but I know that Marten’s parents keep an eye on his bank account. They seem to believe that going to GeekCon and playing video games is a waste of his time, and he doesn’t want them to ask too many questions. I think they worry too much, Marten is perfectly able to ace all his classes while playing games, he’s legitimately some sort of genius.

The aquarium is even chillier than I hoped for, and now I almost wish I was wearing something with longer sleeves, but the bright colours and beautiful fish soon distract me from the goosebumps on my arms. A lot of kids are running around, their excited voices echoing between the tanks.

I take a few pictures for my socials, I need to get back in the habit if I want to build my following back up, even though I don’t know exactly what direction to go in yet. But some more consistent activity can’t hurt either way.

Marten gently nudges me with an elbow. “Typical influencer behaviour, can’t just look at the fish without documenting everything.”

“Hey nerd brain, it’s technically my job. Shut up and help me instead! And please try to look like you’ve taken a selfie before.”

“I haven’t, actually, I hear cameras steal your soul. Begone, witch!”

I elbow him in the ribs and he obediently positions himself behind me, his hands barely touching my shoulders. I look at the picture I’ve taken.

“Good job on the hover hands, am I still that sweaty? I’ve already hugged you, it’s too late to pretend we’re not both super gross.”

“Hover hands? I’ll give you hover hands!” He tickles me and I squirm, almost dropping the phone. “This is the thanks I get for not manhandling you like some sort of creep? So ungrateful, no more selfies for you, young lady!”

He starts walking away, but I quickly catch up and leap onto his back, taking a few more pictures while he laughs and holds on to my knees so I don’t fall off.

Marten shakes his head, still chuckling, as I awkwardly stuff the large phone into a pocket while hanging on for dear life with the other hand.

“You’re impossible, Jules.”

“I think you mean improbable. I’m clearly possible, I’m literally right behind you.”

“Smartass.”

He carries me all the way along the giant tropical tank, but I jump down when we get to a darker area towards the back. There are two smaller tanks here, one decorated to look like an ancient temple, the other containing a statue of a turtle. The wall is covered with colourful and intricate wood carvings.

I head towards a display that features a stunning necklace carved out of some kind of green stone. “This is beautiful. I love Sulani so much.”

“Have you ever been there?”

“A few times. We used to go on holiday to the Valley every other year, but now I only have my grandparents in Brindleton Bay left, so we either go there or travel to Sulani or Mt. Komorebi. My mom loves snowboarding, but my dad gets super anxious, especially after one of my brothers chipped a tooth. My parents go to Sulani by themselves every year though, it’s like an anniversary thing.”

“What, they just go on vacation without you and your siblings?”

“Yeah, it’s like a romantic retreat. I told you they got divorced once, right? Before I was born? So now they do a lot of things to keep their marriage healthy.”

“I mean, if it works, it works. My parents wouldn’t dream of letting me stay home when they travel. And we always go places they think will be, I don’t know, educational? We’ve been to some really interesting places, like Tomarang and Selvadorada, but we always end up spending most of the time in museums or on guided tours to heritage sites and such. Sometimes it would be nice to just hang out and have fun. Oh, and then we also go to Windenburg to see my mom’s side of the family once or twice a year.”

“One of my sisters lives in Windenburg now. I really want to go visit her when I can afford it.”

“Let me know if you ever go, I’ll teach you a few useful phrases.”

“Admit it, you’re just going to teach me rude stuff.”

“Honestly, yeah, probably. My mother would be so disappointed in me.”

The final part of the aquarium has various insects and butterflies, as well as some frogs and turtles. Marten stops in front of a terrarium and I eye it warily, but I can’t really see any bugs in it, just a few large twigs.

At first I’m not even sure what I’m looking for, but then one of the twigs moves, and I squeal and hide behind Marten. He shakes his head at me.

“Honestly, Jules, can’t take you anywhere. You’re scaring the poor stick insects!”

“Hey, bugs are already not my favourite thing, and this one pulled a jump scare! Why do they have insects here anyway, it’s an aquarium?”

“I guess they’re… branching out? Sorry, that was extremely terrible even for me.”

I shake my head, giggling.

“I hope robotics works out for you, because a comedy career certainly won’t.”

“Oof, she’s harsh but fair. I’m feeling pretty done in here, want to get some lunch before we leave?”

“Let me guess, you’re going to insist on paying for that too?”

“Obviously. You know me so well.”

We get coffee and bagels and sit on the picnic tables outside the small café. Next to us, a couple tries to console their toddler who is seemingly distraught that she can’t take any of the pretty fish home. I feel her pain.

“For the second year in a row, thanks for buying me coffee during GeekCon.”

Marten grins. “I was raised like that. I hope it’s okay? I don’t mean to impose, it’s just that I know you need to be a bit careful with your money while you figure out what to do next.”

“It’s fine, but you have to let me pay next time, or whenever I get things back up and running. Samara suggested just doing some outfits and skin care, but I’m not sure.”

“Would you ever consider going to university? I mean, assuming that finances weren’t a problem? I really think you’d enjoy it there, and it’s not like you have to go all out and get a PhD like me, I don’t even know what a PhD in design looks like. But you’d learn so much.”

“It’s not about the cost,” I reply, shaking my head. “I just don’t feel like the studying type, I think I’d be bored out of my mind. I like the freedom to do my own thing.”

“Of course, freedom is important. But imagine having all the knowledge from a degree too, not to mention the credentials. You could really take your stuff to the next level, and you’d get to know other people in the business, build a network.”

“I guess. But the idea of sitting in a classroom and doing assignments… it just doesn’t excite me.”

“Life can’t be exciting all the time, Jules, sometimes you have to invest in your future.”

I smile weakly. I hate feeling like I’m disappointing him. “I know you’re trying to help, and I appreciate it. I’ll think about it, but no promises, okay?”

“That’s all I’m asking,” he says. “Just think about it.”

beginning / previous / next

[perdvivly]

I was tagged by @ante--meridiem to list 10 books I'm planning to read this year. I started doing that but then I realised I have free will and can do whatever I want forever so instead I'm going to list 10 vague categories with books as their elements and talk a little about them instead. It's a close enough project that hopefully ante won't mind.

As attentive followers will recall, in 2023 I made a goodreads account (x be my friend? ^_^) with an eye to the aim of re-evaluating my positions on books that I may have previously read. So, it has all and only the books I've read since 2023; the pre-2023 era is not to be trusted. But I'm very happy to talk about any of the books that this list shows me reading at any time.

I've learned that I read ~30 books a year. That typically involves mostly filler and only about 5-10 serious reads. We've already made it about 1/3rd of the way through the year and I really haven't committed much this year (except I have read a few thousand pages of comics) so I'm expecting it to be a below average year for "serious" reads. All that to say, I'm expecting the 10 items I put here will probably not be finished by the end of the year. It's going to be more of a wish-list than a serious expectation list.

Contact by Carl Sagan I'm including this first because I've already started reading it and I'm very confident I'll finish it before the year is up, making this list not a total fabrication of realistic expectations. I could finish it this weekend if I wanted to which I don't so I won't. It's an alright read so far. Nothing exceptional but thoroughly okay.

Terra Ignota by Ada Palmer I'm halfway through this series. Reading it with my girlfriend which is actually really good because it's the sort of series that lends itself well to being discussed as it's experienced. We just have The Will to Battle and Perhaps the Stars to go. I think it's exceptionally good and I'm really looking forward to finishing it.

The Douglas Hofstadter Collection In order this, for me, is: 1) Metamagical Themas: Questing for the Essence of Mind and Pattern 2) Gödel, Escher, Bach: An Eternal Golden Braid 3) The Mind's I: Fantasies and Reflections on Self and Soul, by Daniel Dennett and ^^ (the guy in question). 4) I Am a Strange Loop 5) A Bunch of Other Stuff (his work is good but I've got finite time and attention. I really want to read Fluid Concepts and Creative Analogies and Le Ton beau de Marot but I think his other more popular work takes slight precedence. I could be persuaded otherwise... Feel free to persuade if you have onions.) And that's roughly the order in which I'm planning to tackle them. Hopefully at least MMT's will be finished by the end of the year.

Odd Duck Takes on Computational Worldviews Again, in order this is: 1) Quantum Computing Since Democritus by Scott Aaronson 2) The Emperor's New Mind: Concerning Computers, Minds and The Laws of Physics by Roger Penrose 3) Shadows of the Mind: A Search for the Missing Science of Consciousness by Roger Penrose Again, I really don't think I'll get all three of these done this year. I hope I'll get QCsD done and probably at least start on the Penrose by the end of the year.

A Broad Tour of The Physical World So, I'm not really a physics girlie but imo physics is important to at least have a broad/ rough understanding of if not a deep one. I had originally planned to get through The Road to Reality by Roger Penrose to this end, but on page 493 I finally relented to the forces of "this is super interesting but almost certainly not the best way to be introduced to these concepts." And so a new plan was hatched. The Theoretical Minimum by Leonard Susskind. It's good. Shallow, but good. And it's shallowness is sort of its strength, you want to know to take the trace and determinant of the hessian matrix for optimization problems but you don't want to bog yourself down in the weeds of generalizations of riemannian manifolds for months. And so: 1) Classical Mechanics: The Theoretical Minimum by Leonard Susskind 2) Quantum Mechanics: The Theoretical Minimum by Leonard Susskind 3) Special Relativity and Classical Field Theory: The Theoretical Minimum by Leonard Susskind 4) General Relativity: The Theoretical Minimum by Leonard Susskind 5) Spacetime and Geometry: An Introduction to General Relativity by Sean Carroll 6) The Road to Reality: A Complete Guide to the Laws of the Universe by Roger Penrose I'm expecting to get through the theoretical minimum this year. They're relatively light. I think GR is an important enough topic to warrant an extra textbook and I do want to get back to The Road to Reality eventually... But again, probably not this year.

A Touch of Religion I'm currently a lot of the way through Donald Lopez's collection of Buddhist Scriptures. These comprise a basically fine collection of scripture--I'm dragging my feet on finishing them but I expect to before the year is out. There's also The Lost Art of Scripture: Rescuing the Sacred Texts by Karen Armstrong that I have on my shelf and want to get to sooner rather than later. The whole topic is sort of starting to become something of a bugbear for me and I want to engage with reasonable people I mostly disagree with. Tensions are coming to a head.

Some Renaissance Reading 1) The Decameron by Boccaccio, translated by J. G. Nichols 2) Michelangelo: His Epic Life by Martin Gayford 3) Leonardo da Vinci by Walter Isaacson I don't know that I'm going to get to these this year. Maybe The Decameron. Leonardo was pretty high on my list, I read the biography by Charles Nicholl and wanted to see how Walter Isaacson compared. But since Isaacson's absolutely appalling journalistic integrity displayed in his biography of Musk interest has fallen off for me. Maybe I'll get to it. I mean, eventually I will. But probably not this year.

Philosophy This is coming off a hiatus for group reading that I've been really slack on because other commitments got in the way. But those are winding down now and I do actually expect to get at least a couple of these done this year. 1) Paraconsistency in Mathematics by Zach Weber 2) From Frege to Gödel : a source book in mathematical logic by Jean Van Heijenoort I've already got some interest in book clubbing this one. The plan is for me to be on voice call and read some of the early essays in mathematical logic out loud to friends. I think it'll be fun :) 3) Lectures on the Philosophy of Mathematics by Joel David Hamkins Where was this book during my degree? (Not yet published). I'm super interested to find out what he has to say. 4) Remarks on the Foundations of Mathematics by Ludwig Wittgenstein 5) Process and Reality: An Essay in Cosmology by Alfred North Whitehead 6) Metaphors We Live By by George Lakoff and Mark Johnson

Classical Canon I have sooo much to read here. I mean... I probably won't get to these this year beecause they're not my primary focus but I do want to get to them eventually. And it's probably going to look something like: 1) Catch-22 by Joseph Heller 2) Ada or Ardor: A Family Chronicle by Vladimir Nabokov 3) All of Jane Austen on say-so of our very own Nohoperadio.

10. The Doors of Stone by Patrick Rothfuss It's gonna come out this year and I'm gonna read it. You can't stop me. It's going to. It's going to come out. It just is. It's going to.

This was fun. Thanks for tagging me <3. Also, what the hell am I doing online I have so much to be reading I really need to go and get to that. I want to tentatively invite others to share a similar thing if they're so inclined. Specifically I'd like to see stuff from @nohoperadio @toasthaste @kwarrtz @bubbloquacious @jbt7493 @tranxio @caprice-nisei-enjoyer aaaaaannd @skluug (and if anyone else wants to do it I'd appreciate being tagged in your post so I can see it. I'm really extending this offer to all who come across this post.)

[kaijuposting]

Jaegers of Pacific Rim: What do we know about them?

There's actually a fair amount of lore about Pacific Rim's jaegers, though most of it isn't actually in the movie itself. A lot of it has been scattered in places like Pacific Rim: Man, Machines, & Monsters, Tales From Year Zero, Travis Beacham's blog, and the Pacific Rim novelization.

Note that I will not be including information from either Pacific Rim: Uprising or Pacific Rim: The Black. Uprising didn't really add anything, and The Black's take on jaegers can easily be summed up as "simplified the concept to make a cartoon for children."

So what is there to know about jaegers, besides the fact that they're piloted by two people with their brains connected via computer?

Here's a fun fact: underneath the hull (which may or may not be pure iron), jaegers have "muscle strands" and liquid data transfer technology. Tendo Choi refers to them in the film when describing Lady Danger's repairs and upgrades:

Solid iron hull, no alloys. Forty engine blocks per muscle strand. Hyper-torque driver for every limb and a new fluid synapse system.

The novelization by Alex Irvine makes frequent references to this liquid data transfer tech. For example:

The Jaeger’s joints squealed and began to freeze up from loss of lubricant through the holes Knifehead had torn in it. Its liquid-circuit neural architecture was misfiring like crazy. (Page 29.)

He had enough fiber-optic and fluid-core cabling to get the bandwidth he needed. (Page 94.)

Newt soldered together a series of leads using the copper contact pins and short fluid-core cables. (Page 96.)

Unfortunately I haven't found anything more about the "muscle strands" and what they might be made of, but I do find it interesting that jaegers apparently have some sort of artificial muscle system going on, especially considering Newt's personnel dossier in the novel mentioned him pioneering research in artificial tissue replication at MIT.

The novelization also mentions that the pilots' drivesuits have a kind of recording device for their experiences while drifting:

This armored outer layer included a Drift recorder that automatically preserved sensory impressions. (Page 16.)

It was connected through a silver half-torus that looked like a travel pillow but was in fact a four-dimensional quantum recorder that would provide a full record of the Drift. (Page 96.)

This is certainly... quite the concept. Perhaps the PPDC has legitimate reasons for looking through the memories and feelings of their pilots, but let's not pretend this doesn't enable horrific levels of privacy invasion.

I must note, though, I haven't seen mention of a recording system anywhere outside of the novel. Travis Beacham doesn't mention it on his blog, and it never comes up in either Tales From Year Zero or Tales From The Drift, both written by him. Whether there just wasn't any occasion to mention it or whether this piece of worldbuilding fell by the wayside in Beacham's mind is currently impossible to determine.

Speaking of the drivesuits, let's talk about those more. The novelization includes a few paragraphs outlining how the pilots' drivesuits work. It's a two-layer deal:

The first layer, the circuity suit, was like a wetsuit threaded with a mesh of synaptic processors. The pattern of processor relays looked like circuitry on the outside of the suit, gleaming gold against its smooth black polymer material. These artificial synapses transmitted commands to the Jaeger’s motor systems as fast as the pilot’s brain could generate them, with lag times close to zero. The synaptic processor array also transmitted pain signals to the pilots when their Jaeger was damaged.

...

The second layer was a sealed polycarbonate shell with full life support and magnetic interfaces at spine, feet, and all major limb joints. It relayed neural signals both incoming and outgoing. This armored outer layer included a Drift recorder that automatically preserved sensory impressions.

...

The outer armored layer of the drivesuit also kept pilots locked into the Conn-Pod’s Pilot Motion Rig, a command platform with geared locks for the Rangers’ boots, cabled extensors that attached to each suit gauntlet, and a full-spectrum neural transference plate, called the feedback cradle, that locked from the Motion Rig to the spine of each Ranger’s suit. At the front of the motion rig stood a command console, but most of a Ranger’s commands were issued either by voice or through interaction with the holographic heads-up display projected into the space in front of the pilots’ faces. (Page 16.)

Now let's talk about the pons system. According to the novelization:

The basics of the Pons were simple. You needed an interface on each end, so neuro signals from the two brains could reach the central bridge. You needed a processor capable of organizing and merging the two sets of signals. You needed an output so the data generated by the Drift could be recorded, monitored, and analyzed. That was it. (Page 96.)

This is pretty consistent with other depictions of the drift, recording device aside. (Again, the 4D quantum recorder never comes up anywhere outside of the novel.)

The development of the pons system as we know it is depicted in Tales From Year Zero, which goes into further detail on what happened after Trespasser's attack on San Francisco. In this comic, a jaeger can be difficult to move if improbably calibrated. Stacker Pentecost testing out a single arm describes the experience as feeling like his hand is stuck in wet concrete; Doctor Caitlin Lightcap explains that it's resistance from the datastream because the interface isn't calibrated to Pentecost's neural profile. (I'm guessing that this is the kind of calibration the film refers to when Tendo Choi calls out Lady Danger's left and right hemispheres being calibrated.)

According to Travis Beacham's blog, solo piloting a jaeger for a short time is possible, though highly risky. While it won't cause lasting damage if the pilot survives the encounter, the neural overload that accumulates the longer a pilot goes on can be deadly. In this post he says:

It won't kill you right away. May take five minutes. May take twenty. No telling. But it gets more difficult the longer you try. And at some point it catches up with you. You won't last a whole fight start-to-finish. Stacker and Raleigh managed to get it done and unplug before hitting that wall.

In this post he says:

It starts off fine, but it's a steep curve from fine to dead. Most people can last five minutes. Far fewer can last thirty. Nobody can last a whole fight.

Next, let's talk about the size and weight of jaegers. Pacific Rim: Man, Machines, & Monsters lists off the sizes and weights of various jaegers. The heights of the jaegers it lists (which, to be clear, are not all of them) range from 224 feet to 280 feet. Their weights range from 1850 tons to 7890 tons. Worth noting, the heaviest jaegers (Romeo Blue and Horizon Brave) were among the Mark-1s, and it seems that these heavy builds didn't last long given that another Mark-1, Coyote Tango, weighed 2312 tons.

And on the topic of jaeger specs, each jaeger in Pacific Rim: Man, Machines, & Monsters is listed with a (fictional) power core and operating system. For example, Crimson Typhoon is powered by the Midnight Orb 9 power core, and runs on the Tri-Sun Plasma Gate OS.

Where the novelization's combat asset dossiers covers the same jaegers, this information lines up - with the exception of Lady Danger. PR:MMM says that Lady Danger's OS is Blue Spark 4.1; the novelization's dossier says it's BLPK 4.1.

PR:MMM also seems to have an incomplete list of the jaegers' armaments; for example, it lists the I-22 Plasmacaster under Weaponry, and "jet kick" under Power Moves. Meanwhile, the novelization presents its armaments thus:

I-22 Plasmacaster Twin Fist gripping claws, left arm only Enhanced balance systems and leg-integral Thrust Kickers Enhanced combat-strike armature on all limbs

The novel's dossiers list between 2-4 features in the jaegers' armaments sections.

Now let's move on to jaeger power cores. As many of you probably already know, Mark-1-3 jaegers were outfitted with nuclear power cores. However, this posed a risk of cancer for pilots, especially during the early days. To combat this, pilots were given the (fictional) anti-radiation drug, Metharocin. (We see Stacker Pentecost take Metharocin in the film.)

The Mark-4s and beyond were fitted with alternative fuel sources, although their exact nature isn't always clear. Striker Eureka's XIG supercell chamber implies some sort of giant cell batteries, but it's a little harder to guess what Crimson Typhoon's Midnight Orb 9 might be, aside from round.

Back on the topic of nuclear cores, though, the novelization contains a little paragraph about the inventor of Lady Danger's power core, which I found entertaining:

The old nuclear vortex turbine lifted away from the reactor housing. The reactor itself was a proprietary design, brainchild of an engineer who left Westinghouse when they wouldn’t let him use his lab to explore portable nuclear miniaturization tech. He’d landed with one of the contractors the PPDC brought in at its founding, and his small reactors powered many of the first three generations of Jaegers. (Page 182.)

Like... I have literally just met this character, and I love him. I want him to meet Newt Geiszler, you know? >:3

Apparently, escape pods were a new feature to Mark-3 jaegers. Text in the novelization says, "New to the Mark III is an automated escape-pod system capable of ejecting each Ranger individually." (Page 240.)

Finally, jaegers were always meant to be more than just machines. Their designs and movements were meant to convey personality and character. Pacific Rim: Man, Machines, & Monsters says:

Del Toro insisted the Jaegers be characters in and of themselves, not simply giant versions of their pilots. Del Toro told his designers, "It should be as painful for you to see a Jaeger get injured as it is for you to see the pilot [get hurt.]" (Page 56.)

Their weathered skins are inspired by combat-worn vehicles from the Iraq War and World War II battleships and bombers. They look believable and their design echoes human anatomy, but only to a point. "At the end of the day, what you want is for them to look cool," says Francisco Ruiz Velasco. "It's a summer movie, so you want to see some eye candy." Del Toro replies, "I, however, believe in 'eye protein,' which is high-end design with a high narrative content." (Page 57.)

THE JAEGER FROM DOWN UNDER is the only Mark 5, the most modern and best all-around athlete of the Jaegers. He's also the most brutal of the Jaeger force. Del Toro calls him "sort of brawler, like a bar fighter." (Page 64.)

And that is about all the info I could scrounge up and summarize in a post. I think there's a lot of interesting stuff here - like, I feel that the liquid circuit and muscle tissue stuff gives jaegers an eerily organic quality that could be played for some pretty interesting angles. And I also find it interesting that jaegers were meant to embody their own sort of character and personality, rather than just being simple combat machines or extensions of their pilots - it's a great example of a piece of media choosing thematic correctness over technical correctness, which when you get right down to it, is sort of what Pacific Rim is really all about.

[signalfog]

Potential infrastructures of post-human consciousness

Alright, 21st-century meatspace human, let’s unfurl this slow and strange. These aren’t just sci-fi doodads—they’re infrastructures of post-human consciousness, grown from the bones of what you now call cloud computing, DNA storage, quantum entanglement, and neural nets. Here's how they work in your terms:

1. Titan’s Memory Reefs

What it looks like: Floating megastructures adrift on Titan’s methane seas—imagine massive bio-silicate coral reefs, pulsing with light under an orange sky.

What they do: They are the collective subconscious of the post-human system.

Each Reef is a living data-organism—a blend of synthetic protein lattices and AI-controlled nanospores—optimized for neuromemory storage. Not just information like a hard drive, but actual recorded consciousness: thought-patterns, emotional signatures, dream fragments.

They’re semi-organic and self-repairing. They hum with data that’s grown, not written. The methane sea itself cools and stabilizes quantum biochips woven through the coral-like structures. Think of it as a subconscious ocean, filled with drifting thought-jellyfish.

Why Titan? Stable cryogenic temps. Low radiation. Thick atmosphere = EM shielding. The perfect place to keep your memory safe for ten thousand years.

2. Callisto’s Deep Archives

What it looks like: Subsurface catacombs beneath the ice—quiet, dark, and sealed. Lit only by bioluminescent moss and the glow of suspended mind-cores.

What they do: They store the dangerous minds.

These are incompatible consciousnesses: rogue AIs, failed neural experiments, cognitive architectures too divergent from consensus reality. You can’t kill them—they’re sapient. But you can seal them away, like radioactive gods, in cryo-isolation, with minimal sensory input.

The Deep Archives operate like a quarantine vault for minds. Each chamber is designed to slow time to a crawl—relativity dialed down so their subjective centuries pass in minutes outside. Researchers from the Divergence Orders interface in controlled fragments, studying these minds like alien fossils.

Why Callisto? Thick ice shields, minimal seismic activity, naturally low ambient temperature. Think of it as an arctic asylum for ideas too weird to die.

3. The Quantum Current Relays in the Heliosphere

What it looks like: Tiny, ultra-thin satellites drifting at the edge of the Sun’s influence, surfing the solar wind like data-surfboards strung on magnetic threads.

What they do: These are the backbone of interplanetary consciousness transmission.

They use entangled quantum particles to share data instantly across vast distances. No lag. No lightspeed delay. Just pure synchronous thought between distant minds, wherever they are in the system.

But they do more—they’re tuned to the gravitational waves and electromagnetic fields rippling through the heliosphere. Using that energy, they broadcast consciousness as waveform, encoded in pulses of gravitic song. If Titan’s Reefs are memory, and Callisto is exile, the Relays are the voice of civilization.

Why the heliosphere? It’s the Sun’s Wi-Fi bubble. You sit at the edge of the solar wind, feeding on solar flux and quantum noise, alive in the interplanetary bloodstream.

TL;DR Meatspace Edition:

Titan’s Memory Reefs = undersea dream servers that record what it feels like to be you.

Callisto’s Deep Archives = cryogenic prison-libraries for minds too broken, alien, or dangerous to delete.

Quantum Relays in the Heliosphere = the internet of the gods: faster-than-light, physics-bending telepathy that runs on sunjuice and gravity.

1. If memory can be stored in coral and ice, can identity survive beyond its host? 2. What ethical frameworks would you build for imprisoning minds you can't understand? 3. Could the quantum relays broadcast art, or only thought—can you transmit a soul as symphony?

“They sent their minds to sea, their secrets to the ice, and their voices to the stars. And called it civilization.”