#and thinking that I've maybe been too dismissive about something the series has tried to tell us repeatedly

[lovewithmary]

(not) moving on — a max verstappen x stark!oc x charles leclerc series

★ fc: madison beer ☆ summary: evangeline "evie" stark is in love with her best friend, max verstappen, but he tries his best to keep her at arm's length. but what happens when she starts to get close to his fellow drivers in the paddock?

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"Why are you and Charles hanging out all of a sudden?" was the first thing Max said when Evie let him into her hotel room.

She wouldn't have let him in if it wasn't for the fact that the guy was a famous F1 Driver and if people saw him waiting at the front of her hotel room, people would talk.

"What happened to hello? Hi? How was your day Evie? Or, how about 'I'm so sorry Evie for getting mad at you and ignoring me until I hang out with Charles!'" Evie remarked.

"This isn't funny, Ang," Max told her.

"So it's Ang now? I thought I was Evie," Evie snarked.

"You're being ridiculous," Max said, sitting on Evie's hotel bed.

"Max—"

"Maxie."

"What?"

"Maxie. Not Verstappen, not Maxie. Call me Maxie because you're the only one I let call me that,"

Evie had momentarily forgotten her anger at hearing that, not expecting something so sentimental to come out of Max's mouth. But she once again got angry, "What are we? Because one day you act like a boyfriend and another you call me your best friend," she said, crossing her arms.

"I don't know,"

"How can you not know? I told you I wanted to be with you but you dismissed it—"

"I did not dismiss it. But can you blame me Ang? You haven't had the best history when it comes to dating," Max cut her off.

"What does that mean?"

Once Max realized what he said, he looked shocked. Whether it was because he said it or Evie was there when he said it, she didn't know. "What do you mean I don't have the best history when it comes to dating, Max," Evie repeated.

"I've seen you go from one person to the other. I haven't seen you had a steady relationship since Peter. And you guys only broke up because you realized that he and MJ were better for each other," Max said.

"What does that have to do with you and me?"

"It has everything to do with us! Because how would I know if you're not going to be like that with me?"

"You're different Max! I would never do that!"

"You would never do that until another driver comes along to steal your attention," Max blurted out before he realized what he said.

Evie's facial expression turned from confused to angry to sad. "Is that what you think of me? Someone who's just going to throw you away when a driver catches my attention?"

"Ang—"

"No, Max. You don't get to call me that. Not after what you just said,"

"I didn't mean it—"

"You know, Max, I've been called every name in the book by media. They see me as Tony Stark's daughter and expect me to date the population of New York. But I didn't care. However, when you, my best friend, say the same thing, I can't help but think what you're saying is true,"

"Ang, I was just angry—"

"It's too late. If you truly think of me like a slut, then maybe I should be one,"

[bingbongsupremacy]

Closure Pt. 2

Pairing: Steve Harrington x plus size!reader

Warnings: swearing, anger, idk what else

Series Summary: You never knew Steve could be so shallow. When he leaves you to date Nancy Wheeler, you're left with a pain you thought he'd never leave with you. Maybe you should've stayed friends.

Part Summary: He wrote a letter. You don't need him. Right?

*Not Proof Read* Stranger Things Masterlist

Based off of Taylor Swift Song Closure. This was a request. I tried to make everything as general as possible. Pls let me know if missed something ty.

Pt. 1 Pt. 2 Pt. 3

*****

No one was supposed to know we were dating. Steve said he didn’t want his teammates to bug me. He didn’t want people to overreact when they found out about us and say mean shit. At the time, I agreed. I mean, Steve’s the king of Hawkins high. I wouldn’t be the first girl he’s dated who’s had rumors spread about them. 

Hiding us was harder than we thought. A month or so after we got together Tommy found out and told the whole team. Gradually the whole school found out. Gossip spreads like wildfire, especially in a town like Hawkins. 

During the weeks after we broke up, I started to think about our secret relationship.

He wasn’t trying to protect me. He was trying to protect his reputation. Steve might not show it but deep down he’s just like everyone else. He’s got insecurities too. He obsesses over anything negative that’s said about him, analyzing everything that others think is imperfect about him until he finds a way to change it.

That’s something I noticed sophomore year when we started to get a little closer.

He was kind to me, but he wasn’t perfect. I don’t know for sure but I think he still messed with underclassmen, bullying them for praise from Tommy and Carol. He wanted to be liked by everyone, especially those two assholes.

He was always going to pick them over me. 

“ Honey, this came in for you today. “ My mom breaks me out of my thoughts. 

I look up from my stack of paperwork. “ What? From who? “ My brows furrow in confusion. Who would send mail to my parents’ house? I haven’t lived here in years. 

“ It’s from Steve. “ My moms eyes scan over the stark white envelope. 

My heart sinks. 

What the fuck does he want? 

I haven’t seen or talked to him since graduation 7 years ago. What could he want with me? Last I heard he got a job at Family Video and Nancy broke up with him. 

He knows I’m here. He has to. Fucking Hawkins. When one person knows everyone knows. Mrs. Henderson must’ve told someone when I ran into her at the gas station. 

“ What ever happened to you and Steve? Do you both still talk? “ My mom asks curiously while handing over my mail. 

Oh right. I never told her. 

“ We fell out of touch. You know, life. " I shrug, hoping that's enough for her.

" Oh, that's so sad sweetie. I'm sorry. " She sends me a small sympathetic smile. " That's always hard when you lose touch with someone you love. " She gently pats my shoulder.

Love.

Steve didn't love me.

I send her a small smile, hoping to drop the topic. " It happens, ma. "

" Well, I'll you get to it. " She dismisses herself, leaving me to the letter in my hands.

I trace the sharp corners of the envelope. Should I open it? Do I want to?

I wonder what it says.

What could he have to say to me after all of these years? It couldn't be something worth my time. Not after the shit that happened in high school. Right?

But what if it is?

Fuck it. I'm curious.

I pull open the envelope and let the torn paper fall into my lap. A neatly folded letter greens me, the bright white stationary paper matching the envelope.

This is it. Here we go.

I pull open the letter. Dark blue pen lines starkly contrast the white paper. Steve's familiar handwriting fills a good portion of the page. At the bottom his squiggly signature lies, bold and exactly the same as I remember.

Y/N,

I hope this letter finds you. I heard you're back in town. I've been meaning to do this for a long time. I've debated writing to you for years. I didn't know if I had anything good enough to send to you.

I was an asshole to you. You didn't deserve how I broke up with you. I feel horrible about how I treated you. About how I let other people change my opinion and control my actions. I should've stood stronger with what I thought.

That's something I always loved about you. You didn't let other people sway your opinions. I'm sure you still don't. You thought for yourself.

You are so much braver than I am. You didn't compromise yourself for others.

I've thought about what happened for years. About how you must have felt.

I hope you're well. I hope you've been able to move on and you've continued to be yourself. I know I don't deserve to say that, I just wish you the best.

I wanted to explain to you why I did what I did. I owe it to you. I was selfish. I got caught up in the high school popularity shit. I know it's stupid. I wanted to be Hawkins High's main guy. I wanted the Prom King title. I wanted the attention.

I really did like you. You made me feel safe and understood. You were always patient and kind. You urged me to be me, even when I felt like caving under pressure. You liked me for me, not for who I was trying to be. You deserved better than me.

People started to talk. You know. You heard the rumors.

At first, I thought I could handle it. I thought it wouldn't bug me. I thought I could push past it all. I cracked. Tommy and Carol jumped on the wagon and it pushed me over the edge. I couldn't bare the thought of losing the respect I'd worked so hard to get. I couldn't handle the teasing I'd get from the guys after games or the looks Tommy'd send my way when he saw us together.

It was wrong. I didn't think about you. About how you must've felt and how you were handling everything that was going on. It was Senior Year. I should've held on. We would've been out of this shit hole in a few months anyway, I don't know why I didn't just ignore it all. That's one of my biggest regrets.

I've been in therapy for a few years now. I've worked past all that surface-level shallow shit. I really see just how much I hurt you, and for that I'm so sorry.

I don't expect you to forgive me. I just wanted you to know that you're the first girl I ever loved and I am so grateful for you. Our relationship sent me on a path to help myself, and for that I will always love you.

Thank you.

-Steve Harrington

P.S. The week before we broke up I was going to give this to you. I never did.

I glance down at the envelope in my lap and open it. At the bottom lays a shiny silver necklace. A small gem, my birthstone, lays in the center. It glimmers in the light. It's beautiful.

I turn the gem over and spot a small engraving on the back.

SH +Y/N

For a moment I'm torn.

Should I write him back? Should we talk?

Part of me does miss him. I miss his laugh. His playful teasing. The way he looked at me.

No.

He hurt me. A lot.

He can't just send a letter and make it better. Why didn't he talk to me in person if this really weighed on him as much as he says it did? Why didn't he call me?

I don't need him. I'm fine. I've been fine without him for years. I'm not going to let him back into my life because he feels bad about his actions and insecurities.

I left Hawkins for a reason. I needed to get away from Steve. I needed him out of my life.

I'm not going to let him back in for his sake.

I don't need him.

I stand up, taking the papers and necklace in my hand. I walk over to the trashcan near my dresser. Without a second thought, I drop everything into the can.

The necklace makes a small clunking sound as it hits the bottom of my empty can.

The rustling of papers quiets and so does my pounding heart.

I'm fine on my own.

(Do we like this ending? Or should I try to make another part? )

Taglist: @sublimepenguinpeach-blog @queen-apple24

[nanaten]

Alot of people have their own ideas for scenarios and worlds where all of the characters within the mother series meet eachother, and I, too, have thought of one, and i'd love to write it as a fanfiction or something (I'd loooove to make it a comic, but I know how I tend to be with comic creation. This is to say, suuuper flimsy, haha.)

5 years following the events of Mother 1, a 17 year old Ninten is walking to his baseball practice. Once Giegue had left, despite promising to return, all aliens had vanished from America, leaving Ninten to assume his regular life all over again. A part of him found it dissapointing that his life had grown to yet again be what he viewed as mediocre, but ultimately, it was for the best. And by this point, it had been so long since he'd seen any of Giegue's pawns that they stopped crossing his mind at all.

So... Imagine his utter shock, when on his way to baseball practice, that faithful day, a Starman is found accross the road from him. He stares at it, horrified and confused as the memory floods into the forefront of his mind, before the illusive alien dissapears right as a car drives past Ninten's vision.

He gathers up Ana, Teddy and Lloyd, pleading about what he had seen― And the group ultimately decide Ninten is likely just tired and seeing things, expressing their worry for him that he's working too hard. He dismisses this, going home to research. He tries, after many years, to access Magicant, but it isn't there. He can't think of anything else to do in the short term so he settles to sleep, when all of a sudden a large, metal device teleports into his room, and out of it comes a stout man dressed like a doctor. He introduces himself as Dr Andonuts.

“Hello, young man! I don't have much time to explain this to you. I've travelled here to tell you of a great impending danger― The creature you know as Giegue has teamed up with a far greater threat, and to stop them, we need all of the heroes who'd once fought them before! I had to come to you― You were the first. You must find the other three heroes. I believe in you! Use this device― A note inside contains all you need to know.”

Dr Andonuts then dissapears― leaving a small device on the floor. Maybe it was a hologram, Ninten thinks to himself, opting to not let it plague his mind for too long. He takes on the burden, hopping into the device and setting on his journey.

[makeste]

probably like my 500th rant about Kacchan and Deku and their confused relationship

oh my yes. he’s had the greatest fanboy of our time admiring him since they were preschoolers. and Izuku has certainly never attempted to hide his total awe at every single thing Kacchan does.

although the essaying part of me does want to bring up that until very recently, Kacchan didn't realize that it was admiration, though. he genuinely believed it to be pretty much the opposite of that. because he felt insecure and vulnerable around Deku, he reasoned that Deku must be trying to make him feel like that on purpose, and so he convinced himself that Deku was looking down on him, as we now understand as of their second fight. so in that sense it’s interesting, because you could actually argue that he doesn’t know what sincere admiration looks like. he’s been around it his whole life, and yet the whole time, all he ever saw were his own insecurities mirrored back at him. he wasn’t able to see past that to view Deku’s feelings for what they actually were. in which case the more skeptical way to view his encounter with Shindou would be to assume that Kacchan is actually just doing what he always does, and greeting any and all displays of amicability and warmth with hostility and suspicion.

but I think the truth most likely falls somewhere in between. Deku notwithstanding, he generally is very perceptive. the complexity of all of his mixed-up childhood feelings has always made that relationship more difficult for him to understand. but he’s fairly good at reading between the lines when it involves virtually anyone else. he picked up on Kurogiri’s weakness just from a turn of phrase. he accurately assessed his own status quo with the League of Villains, including when it changed from “they won’t try and hurt me” to “yeah now they absolutely will fuck my shit up.” he sussed out the truth about All Might and Deku’s relationship by correctly decoding a single sentence that was phrased in such a way as to have its true meaning understood only by Deku. he also correctly surmised that All for One and All Might had a longstanding archnemesis relationship, well before he actually learned who All for One was. and he subsequently picked up on All Might’s cues that this was a secret of vital importance, and so fell in line with keeping it even without being asked.

to sum up, he actually is a lot better at reading and understanding people than he lets on. but Deku is the exception to the rule. pardon me for going off on a whole new (and much longer) tangent, but I think he actually cares a lot about Deku’s opinion of him. he goes to great lengths to pretend that he doesn’t, attempting to reclassify him as “just a pebble in his shoe” and so forth, but I don’t know. there has to be a reason he reacted that badly to thinking that Deku saw him as weak. would he have responded the same way if it had been anyone else? 

Katsuki’s thoughts on Izuku from before the log bridge fall are still (still!) unknown to us. we know that Izuku thought the world of Katsuki, and still does for that matter. but we never did get Katsuki’s perspective on it. but -- basically his whole personality shifts when he is only four years old. he goes from being happy and confident and smiling constantly to being defensive and confrontational and angry all the time and almost never smiling outside of a fight. that’s not a coincidence that this only happens after he stops being friends with Izuku. basically everything about this implies that he was actually a lot more hurt by that incident than he lets on. he puts up a lot of walls afterwards. he eventually tries to break off his entire friendship with Deku by any means necessary.

all of this leads me to think they were closer than previously inferred. and why wouldn’t they be? they spent a ton of time together during one of the most impressionable and trusting periods of their lives. they shared character-defining traits in common; they had the same dream and looked up to the same person. we tend to question whether it was really a friendship per se, because we know Katsuki was kind of a jackhole, and came up with the Deku nickname, and so forth. but he does the exact same fucking thing now with Kirishima and his other U.A. friends, and no one questions whether he actually cares about them. one of the crucial things we come to understand about Katsuki over the course of the series is that his attitude toward people is not a true reflection of how he actually feels about them. he trusts Kirishima in spite of disparaging him with every other breath and calling him by an insulting nickname. once we understand this, there’s no reason not to assume things wouldn’t have been the exact same way back with Deku when they were four. that his smugness and his putdowns concealed a very real trust and a close connection between them.

and that closeness, I think, is ironically the very thing that blinds him to Deku’s obvious admiration and esteem. that misunderstanding, when it happens, is devastating. the fear of being perceived as weak by anyone is bad enough, but with Deku in particular, it really fucks him up. to have a connection like that shattered so suddenly is damaging as fuck. just... I feel like I’m doing a really bad job of explaining this. but basically, if we go off the assumption that they were close, that means we’re dealing with feelings of hurt and betrayal that go beyond what we might have originally assumed. those are very powerful negative emotions for a four-year-old to suddenly be grappling with, and they’re precisely the kind of emotions that can completely overwhelm and suppress any kind of actual rational thought. and the thing is that there was no way for poor Izuku to have mended this, even if he understood what was actually going on, because the initial infraction never actually came from him at all, but from Katsuki’s own mind. his own fears being projected, because he was young and lacked the ability then to see things from Deku’s perspective.

anyways. when I said “tangent” I meant it lol. wow. but I think the original point of this was trying to explain why Katsuki, who normally is very sharp and aware, would have so much trouble deciphering the actions of the one person he’s spent more time around than any other. and to explain that Deku is an exception and that Katsuki’s lack of self-awareness about that relationship doesn’t reflect his overall insightfulness otherwise. he knew Shindou was trouble because Shindou was a smooth-talking little shit who just happened to want to get all buddy-buddy with the school at the top of everyone’s hitlist right before the fucking exam, and anyone who was taking those circumstances in consideration should have had the same warning bells ringing off in their own minds tbh. so yeah, hence “your words don’t match your eyes.” and also because he never lets his guard down that easily anyway. and that part of it does have everything to do with Deku.

anyways anon I’m sorry I took this very sweet BakuDeku ask and turned it into sort of a sad and meandering BakuDeku ask lol. I was thinking about some of this stuff the other day, and this was like a cheatcode that activated this whole mini-rant. I’m just constantly fascinated by the sheer depth and intensity of all of the feelings these two have associated with one another, and how that relationship is both their greatest strength and their greatest vulnerability all wrapped up in one. they both were so damaged by it, but now it’s the thing that’s spurring them on to become stronger than ever with each other’s help. gah.

[kaiparker-avengerssmut]

Their Doll 4

Y/n Stark

B.Barnes x Reader, S.Rogers x Stark!Reader

series synopsis:  y/n Stark, all records of her non existent, and yet Hydra still find her. When she is kidnapped by a certain super-soldier and no one believes her, she finds herself searching for unexpected familiarity in her not-so-distant past.

Series Warnings: smut, violence, torture, swearing

Chapter Summary: the avengers find some stuff out about y/n

Warnings: swearing

A/n: The timeline in this has been altered, as there I things I wanted to include but I also wanted this fic to follow the storyline/timeline of Winter Soldier and Civil war.So for purposes of this fanfic, Peter Parker was discovered by Tony at a much younger age - when he was bitten - and has been an intern with him since, almost like a protégée.(For the purposes of this story Peter was bitten much younger too - more like when he was 9 or ten rather than 14/15)

Masterlist | Series Masterlist

"SO there's some weird HYDRA girl locked and sedated in my basement? Cool, don't want to know." Tony dismissed, not looking up from his white mug as he tipped a generous amping of sugar into his black coffee. He swirled the liquid in the mug and turned around, leaning against the counter as he raised the drink to lips lips and took a sip before sighing intently. Bruce frowned, crossing his arms over his chest.

"Tony, I don't think you get it, I ran a DNA test and-"

"And she's probably some innocent girl that went missing years ago and was never found? I get it, I feel bad for her but at the end of the day she has nothing to do with me." Tony dismissed, pushing away from the counted to deposit his now-empty mug in the sink. He turned the tap on, rinsing out the cup before carelessly placing it on the drying rack.

"Just, please, come and see her. You won't regret it, and if you do - dinner's on me?" Bruce suggest, arms outstretched in welcome. Tony rolled his eyes, before scoffing.

"Yeah, no. I'm good. Catch you in the lab later though?" Tony was quick to deflect, exiting the room with so much as another glance. Bruce's hands feel to his side with a slap as his shoulders sagged in defeat.

...

Bruce nervously paced the lab, desperate to tell someone his horrifying discovery. The click of the door made his head snap up, a smile of relief spreading his on lips at the sight of Nat.

"Nat, finally." He sighed, walking towards the scowling girl.

"What did you need to tell me Bruce? You sounded pretty urgent when you called." She pressed, crossing her arms over her chest and raising a brow. His smile faulted, his gaze dropping to his hands where he fondled with a biro pen.

"I- uh. I made a... discovery about y/n." Bruce confessed, finally meeting Nat's eyes.

"Go on.." Nat prompted. Bruce took a deep breath, chewing on his bottom lip nervously. "Bruce-" she started.

"Y/n isn't entirely human-"

"Well we knew that much."

"It's what she is, that's shocking. Looking threw all her blood tests and whatnot - it's showing she has an ability to manipulate minds when she s-sings. It's like a certain note her voice forms that can control the minds of people around her."

"So what is she?"

"I don't know, there's not really a name-"

"A siren. She's a siren." A third voice joined the room, and both the avengers' heads snapped round to the direction it came from. In the door stood Steve, shoulder leant against the frame and ankles crossed.

"Who's watching y/n?" Nat asked.

"Clint. Anyway, my father - he used to read me a story when I was a kid. The Odyssey, I believe it was called. It was a Greek myth about a bewitching girl who lured saloons in with her voice so she could feed off them." Steve continued, pushing himself off the door frame and walking further into the room.

"There's no way that's real, though." Nat dismissed, frowning heavily at his words.

"No, no. He has a point - I mean, look at Steve. Look at me." Bruce said, gesturing to himself and Steve. "We shouldn't be possible, but science does some crazy things. Y/n was with HYDRA, right?"

"Yes, but-"

"Well, what if they did this to her. We know she was taken when she was young, so what if they did so to experiment on her?"

"I should go talk to her, you know - girl on girl. She seems to like me, maybe she knows what she is and she might open up to me, if I ask nicely." Nat suggests, walking out the room when she was met with no protests from the two men.

"There's something else I should mention." Bruce started fidgeting again, which man Steve's brown knit together.

"What is it, Bruce?" The super-soldier prompted. Bruce continued to fidget, not looking up from him hands as he spoke.

"Are you aware Tony used to have daughter?" Bruce asked sheepishly.

"Tony had a daughter?" Steve said, brows now raised with genuine shock. He knew of Tony's...escapades from before he was with Pepper, but he couldn't see Tony as the type to actually keep a child from just a one-night stand.

"She was adopted, some kid he found on the streets with no parents. So he took her in, raised her and then she just disappeared. Many people have forgotten she existed, and those that remember her are all under the impression that she is dead. I thought so too, until..." Bruce paused, flipping through some papers on his clipboard until he found what he was looking for. "Until this." He finished, handing the board over to Steve.

In Steve's hands was proof that matched y/n's DNA to that of Tony's adopted daughter.

"Well that explains the name, and her hesitation to tell us who she really is." Steve frowned, eyes scanning over the paper repeatedly. Bruce hummed in agreement, taking the clipboard back from Steve when he held it out for Bruce to take. "Do we tell Tony?" Steve asked after a moment.

"He doesn't want to know, I've tried telling him but he doesn't care." Bruce told Steve and Steve pressed his lips together as he thought. "I do think we should wake her up though. If she's Tony's daughter there can't be anything that's more dangerous about her than you expect her attitude." Bruce said and Steve nodded, suppressing a laugh.

"I'll tell Nat to wake her up." Steve said as he exited the lab.

...

The steam from the shower engulfed me, my hands running through my hair and brushing out the tangles lightly. As I scrubbed the shampoo from my scalp, I hummed a small tune - thankful to be somewhere noisy enough that I wouldn't risk affecting anyone with my powers. After waking me up Nat told me to clean up and get changed before handing me a pile of clothes and telling me that she would meet me at my room in half an hour to take me to meet the rest of the team.

Shutting the water off, I slid the glass door open and my feet padded onto the thin bath-mat. The towel wrapped around me as I patted my hair dry with another one, looking over my scarred figure in the large mirror opposite me.

A large scar spanned the width of my stomach, smaller remnants of cuts littering my thighs that were joined by one larger one from where I was once stabbed. Looking at myself over my shoulder, I observed the large scars that spanned over my back, the layers fading at different degrees from their varying ages. The memory of how I got them brought tears to my eyes, which I was quick to blink away and focus back onto what I was doing.

Pulling the large sweatshirt Steve had lent me over my head, I left the large bathroom clad in a pair of leggings and some socks I borrowed from Nat. I brushed my fingers through my wet locks, detangling them. I threw the towel onto the bed in the room I had been assigned and plopped down next to it, taking my time to survey the room I barely got a look of earlier.

The door to the en-suite bathroom I just exited sat on one side of the room, accompanied by a big closet and a dressing table. A chest of draws was propped next to the king sized bed the sat in and the free corner housed a small kitchen. It had a stove, fridge-freezer, sink and a few cabinets. On the side sat a kettle, toaster, blender and some chopping boards.

A sharp knock on the door bought me back to my senses, making me perk up a little at the sound of Nat's voice.

"You feeling okay?" I nodded. "Good, well Steve and Bruce want you to meet them in conference room 4. I'll take you." She quickly added the last part in seeing my scared face.

As we walked down the halls we chatted, talking about our pasts and finding out that we were fairly similar - we were both forced into the bad things we did, we both found a way to redeem ourselves, neither of us have ever had a boyfriend and we both love chicken noodle soup.

"Well, this is it." She announced, pointing at a door to our left. I nodded, going to open the door before pausing and turning around.

"Thank you. For taking me with you, for giving me this chance, for hiding me from HYDRA - thank you, really." I spoke softly, giving her the friendliest smile I could muster.

"No problem. I couldn't live with myself if I knew we could've helped you. Everyone deserves a second chance."

"I genuinely can't thank you enough - you saved me." I said, quickly swiping away the threatening tears with the heels of my hands.

"I was nice meeting you, y/n."

"You too." And with the last words said, I pushed the door open, walking into the room and being instantly greeted by Bruce and Steve.

"Hey, y/n, why don't you take a seat and we'll get the introductions out the way?" Bruce suggested and I nodded shyly. I took a seat next to Steve, who appeared to shuffle slightly away from me but I couldn't be sure.

"So, another midgardian?" a bulky man with shoulder length blonde hair and a red cape clipped to his shoulders broke the silence. He was clearly the God I'd been hearing about - I mean how much more of a costume does he need to look like Thor?

"Yes, we think so." Bruce confirmed. I frowned at this. Midgardian? What the hell was a midgardian?

"We think she's been tampered with, like me," Steve elaborated, "but as far as we know, she is of this earth." Steve spoke and Thor nodded. "We are keeping her safe from HYDRA." Steve said to break the silence as they all stared at me with funny looks. I kept my eyes cast down now, cheeks hot with embarrassment after feeling so many eyes on me at once.

"Does she-" I interjected the second I heard another voice. I stood abruptly, pushing me seat back and wincing at the screeching noise it made before resuming my angry face. I slammed my hand down the table as I stood, catching the attention of everyone sat at the table.

"If even one more of you refers to me as 'she' rather than just fucking talking directly to me I am going to end up sirening one of your asses!" I demanded, seething with anger. A grin broke out on Thor's face.

"Atta girl, I like this one already!" He laughed and I sat down again, smiling contented ay his compliment.

"She's got Tony's patience, all right." Another man remarked with a smirk. Steve simply rolled his eyes as common menus about my attitude were thrown around the room. Finally, someone addressed me. It was a woman with Blonde hair and kind eyes. She looked motherly.

"Hey, I'm pepper." She smiled kindly and I quickly reciprocated it. They went around the table - the man who had commented about my patience was called Clint, the blonde man was was indeed called Thor and obviously I'd already met Bruce and Steve.

"I'm y/n." I returned and she repeated my name in her beautiful voice, almost as if she was testing how I'd felt in her mouth.

"Y/n. A stunning name for a stunning lady." Thor commented, boyish grin still in place and I gave him a sheepish smile.

"Oh, cut it out big guy - you're like, a billion times her age." A voice came from the door and we all turned to find out who it was.

"Tony. I wasn't aware you'd be joining us." Steve said in a monotone voice and Tony gave him a tight smile.

"You don't get everything your way, Capsicle. Now, who's this?" Tony said, stuffing a mouthful of blueberries in his mouth before stuffing the bag of food in his back pocket and motioning to me with a nod.

"Tony, this is y/n," Bruce said moving out the way from where he was standing so Tony could see my face. The man's eyes widened instantly as the recognition sank in. "Y/n Stark."

[espejonight28738]

15×09 "The Trap" Meta

Warning: As always, Destiel and Saileen positive so don't like don't read.

OMG guys I can't even this episode was something else. Like, for real.

First of all, it looks like I was right about Eileen being part of Chuck's plan.

"I helping to Sam the Bunker. To Sam. To Romance." Thanks Chuck for proving me right, but if you could please not hurt my baby Eileen and Sam while you do it would be awesome ;-;

Now if only I could be in the right about the happy ending...

But whatever. Let's talk about the prayer first, because I could talk about it for hours. Everything was so wonderful.

First, when Dean looks he only have 29 minutes left to find Cas, you could see all the trauma resourfaced. You could see how he was imagining ending up without Cas again. Having to go back home (although he didn't seem to be going to the portal when right before he found Cas, but I have no certainty about it) and leave Cas behind, and he imagined himself reliving the guilt and the hallucinations and the hopelessness.

[Gif by the amazing @agusvedder because I want you to look at him and tell me that ain't the look of a man who just imagined losing the love of his life again]

And, above all, Dean imagined having to live through it all knowing he never fixed their relationship. Rowena's words about not waiting until it was too late must have been ringing in his ears. And he knows that he needs Cas to know.

Purgatory's pureness gave him a new understanding of his emotions, and I'm not talking about the anger (it's obvious Dean already knew he had that problem), but the need for Cas.

"Cas, buddy, I need you." That same need, mixed with the possibility of losing Cas yet once again was enough for Dean to just break down in the middle of a land of abominations.

And the first thing he says. "I should've stopped you." Can you see how he is telling us we were right all along? Cas said "I left but you didn't stop me." And now Dean knows he could have.

If he had tried to talk, if he had asked Cas to stay, maybe he wouldn't have left. Dean put himself through that depression (the even heavier drinking, comfort food, the coldness) .

[And as an author note. How was that real? "You didn't stop me/I should've stop you" The Brontë sisters WISH they could write that levels of angsty romance.]

And, having Dean finally admitting to his very real anger issues gives me very high hopes for everything else. It's not like his problem will disappear, it does was kinda beaten into him, but having him admitting it is recognizing it as a standing problem between Dean and a Happy Future, so we can assume that will be another one of the problem they'll tackle in the rest of the season.

(Or maybe they'll forget about it. But s15 has been so good until now that I'm hoping they won't ignore it.)

And Dean calling Cas his best friends. Holy mother of God. I know I made several jokes about it, but it truly is so significant. Because words like "Family" and "Brother (and sister for Charlie)" are ones Dean had given other people. But Best Friend is only for Cas, it puts him in a special place in Dean's live no one else shares.

Maybe it's not exactly the place we want him to be in (yet), but the fact alone that they recognize once again how Dean and Cas' relationship is different to the one they have with anyone else.

So when did found Cas and said "Okay, Cas, I need to say something", I agree we wasn't about to repeat his prayer.

The Prayer (the fact that Dean got on his damn knees, for god's sake) was a moment of absolute vulnerability and emotion. Dean grew up in with a "no emotions" mentality tought to him by John, and so we seldom see him show this kind of raw vulnerability by choice. Considering that the Winchesters (as always, I include Jack and Cas in there) are an experts in 'I screw up and you got angry but then we had a bigger problem so we kinda left it behind us bc we are family and I love you anyway, or we just move on without never really discussing it' but not in actually apologizing, I would go as far as to say this was probably the most heartfelt apologize we've seen in the series.

I've watched the scene like a million times, and he just carries an attitude of doing something big. Like a big reveal, not like repiting himself.

Because he knew Cas heard him. The reason he said "I hope you can here me, that wherever you are, it's not too late" it's 'cause he was afraid Cas had died. That is was really too late. Once he saw Cas was alive? I don't think Dean doubted for a second Cas had heard him. He was hoing to say something else.

Cas clearly didn't want to take the risk of Dean telling him what he truly wanted to hear- what he had wanted for years. The risk of his deal with the Empty hovering behind hime. He couldn't be so selfish as allowing himself to hear it, just to abandon Dean right after.

Then Cas interrupted him.

Or abandoning Sam when he was at God's mercy, or leaving the World SavingTM to them. He couldn't. Dean doesn't even now about the deal.

I cannot tell you how much I loved it. Not in a "I want this to happen" way, of course not, but in what it means.

That's why Dabb said this episode wasn't the resolution. There's still much unsaid between them, if you believe there is an 'I love you' somewhere there. I think that's what has my hopes the highest. Because if they are only bff, then why didn't this solve everything? What is left hanging? I don't want to clown but it's literally the only thing that makes sense in my opinion.

And now, let's talk about the future Sam saw.

Sam and Dean don't need only each other to be happy, they need other people. That's basically what that future said.

"What's happened to you Dean? Ever since..."

"Ever since what? We lost pretty much everyone we ever cared about?"

[There is like a 2 second pause here that I feel very important andd significant. The separation between what 'everyone' and 'Cas']

"Ever since the Mark made Cas go crazy? Ever since I had to bury him in Ma'lak box? Ever since then? Yeah." [Jfc you can hear it pains him to say Cas' name]

"Bobby had a death wish and you know it. And Jody? Ever since what happened to Donna and the girls, she does too.

And after Eileen? So do you."

He's acknowledging everyone's breaking point. Jody's was Donna and the girls (we don't know exactly which one was the last straw, as we know that at least in Claire's case they died at different times). Sam's was Eileen. His was Cas.

And he is very clear in that. We can't know what happened first, but we know that Sam asks what happened to *him* and he says it was Cas going crazy. It was having to bury Cas alive what made him lose all hope. Because at least he can hope they ones dead can find pace, but Cas? Dean, and for how he said it he probably did it alone, had to bury Cas knowing he was going to be there for the rest of the time. Suffering alone. Dean knows how it's like to have the Mark.

That broke Dean. And having Sam wasn't enough to put him back together.

And after Eileen somehow died again, Sam just stop caring about living, he just care about taking down as many monsters as he can before he dies. 'Death wish' Dean called it. He would know about that, he is Dean "You wanna die" Winchester, after all.

Having Dean wasn't enough for Sam to want to keep on living.

"We lost, brother. We lost. I'm done."

They still have each other? Yes. Is that remotely enough? No. That's what the future told us. They need more than each other, they need other people.

But there was a little something else that made it even more beautiful.

"The Dean who raised me [...]"

Let's be clear about something, I think the show never gives enough recognition for having raised same pretty much by himself since he was 4 years. The situation was totally unfair to Dean and yet he never once took it out on Sam, he just look out for him, cooked for him, and make sure he could be as much of a child as the situation allowed, that is a lot more than Dean ever could. In his own words, he wasn't just a brother, he was also a father and a mother.

I just want to cry for thinking how hard that was for both brother. And Sam knows it, even if he doesn't always acknowledges. So the fact that he chose the words "the Dean that raised me" when "the Dean that I know", for example, would have conveyed the sentiment as well, is significant.

They wanted to remember how important they are for each other, how much they love each other. They don't dismiss that, they are making sure we remember that, at the same time they are telling us the alone aren't enough for a happy ending.

They are telling us what we need for a True Happy Ending.

Dean and Sam still being close brothers and loving each other, but allowing themselves to love and need other people.

Okay I'll go to the point.

A HAPPY ENDING IS SAM AND THEN HAVING OTHER PEOPLE IN THEIR LIVES WITHOUT LOSING EACH OTHER.

A HAPPY ENDING IS THE END OF THE TOXIC CODEPENDENCY AND THE START OF A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP THAT INCLUDES THEIR RELATIONSHIPS WITH OTHER PEOPLE.

You guys now I've been saying they are hinting at it since my meta of "The Rupture" but this ain't foreshadowing THEY ARE SCREAMING IT. Like I can't come up with a radically different interpretation.

So this episode only got my hopes for endgame Saileen and Destiel (the destiel maybe not at canon as the saileen, but heavily hinted at least) even higher. Specially for the parallel with Eileen having Dean's doubts ("I don't know what's real") and Sam making kinda answering the same ("We are"/"I know that was real"). Btw I'll be screaming because of that for the rest of my days.

[BONUS: Random questions I can't seem to answer.

Does the angels even know God's going bersek? I mean, Belphegor didn't know it was God the one who broke hell... but even Lilith's been brought back. Do they know Micheal's back? God I don't know.

Was that really a possible future? Or it does was like a Zacharaiah tactic? Why does Chuck's abscence makes monster go crazy? Wasn't the point that it didn't unblanaced the powers?

Story-wise, why ain't Cas in next episode?

Was that the last mention of Claire? An off-screen hypotetical death? Please someome let me see my girl again.]

Tagging: @metafest @verobatto-angelxhunter @agusvedder @legendary-destiel @that-one-fandom-chick @studio-hatter

[roadtophantom]

Down Once More - RTP Does a Double Show

(or as they say, a two doe shay - so in that light, this review is hella long)

March 16, 2019

It wasn't planned but to take advantage of a discount, I got a second ticket targeting a Saturday matinee show so I could catch Clara. This plan backfired as I already inadvertently caught her the previous week. Being that the Theatre at Solaire is hours away where I am and I don't want to shell out over a grand for Grab, I decided to see the evening show too.

The fun part about matinees is it's not a rush hour so the travel time is cut significantly. We got to the theatre early enough to take all the photos we want without queueing plus some decent drive thru food. We got balc right seats this time, second row. I certainly missed the prime visibility of orch seats but liked being able to see the whole set.

Clara was on as Christine and I'm delighted to say that as early as a week-gap she's able to put different touches to her Christine so you see a somewhat different interpretation. This one was less afraid and was drawn more to MOTN, that she was able to show a dilemma between the Phantom and Raoul. What I gathered from my first viewing of her was that she's obviously Team Raoul all the way. I mean, sure that is a very valid interpretation but I guess I also like a Christine who is able to show a conflict, some sort of loyalty to her 'teacher' who she didn't just happen to meet yesterday. So there's some joy when she sings AOM.

A notable scene is how she took a while to unmask the Phantom (Jonathan) The instrumentation has already changed and she was still peeling the mask. Jonathan took that extended lull as fuel for anger that Clara cowered in a fetal position as Jonathan, imposing figure that he is, hovered over her. He then punches the floor with his fist and kicked the mandarin hat (which he never got to wore) away. Pretty intense. By STYDI he becomes remorseful as he lamented 'Oh Christine'.

One thing I love about Matt's Raoul is we don't just know he is well to borrow from the Kingsmen: manners maketh man. He isn't only a gentleman at Christine but also to the managers when he makes it a point to excuse himself with a hand gesture when he is switching his attention to Carlotta, Piangi and Girys. And I think one takeaway I got from his Raoul is how he regarded the angel with dismissal and arrogance but slowly come to horror to know that this is a real thing plaguing Christine and that leads him to do what it takes even risk his life. Idk, he's just very real to me. When he does the disaster will be yours, he mounts all his  fiery passion to threaten what he knows is larger than him.

Also the travelator worked and he does jump so whee.

Again I adored the ballerinas during the rehearsals because they're just playful girlfriends, when they get excited at the introduction of the Vicomte, when one of them yawns tiredly and someone gets instruction from the slave master, love love these cute dynamics. Plus they are so nice and supportive of Christine. Meg is just a dear, and I love how Kiruna-Lind nods sheepishly with a “I’ll be a good girl cross my heart” smile at her mom before stomping right off. 

I finally looked up that lyric change in Notes, it's now using Broadway's: "Mystified baffled Surete say,we are mystified -"

After the show I accompanied my cousin and sister to stage door, whereupon Meghan came in looking like a rockstar, black ensemble, hat on. She's still somewhat ill but she's going on and it's to be appreciated because that means my evening ticket will finally see the other Christine.

My seats these time are way up because I got the cheapest tier. So it was going to be interesting to see Meghan who is probably one of the most petite ladies (she's probably 5 foot and a couple inches). But I immediately see how she compensates for the height with her hands. In Hannibal she grabs on to the nearest ballerina or Meg to seek comfort or to show excitement when the announcement of Vicomte came on, she holds Reyer's hands as he congratulates her. Later in the show she uses them in more heartbreaking ways (to plea for help at Madame Giry at Notes II and the managers after the PONR unmasking but all for naught).

I have to mention this, Meghan does not dance the slave girls track (and later most of the Masquerade track) but this may be because of an injury. Do not take my word for it, but it would make sense why Clara was on instead during the media call. I don't begrudge Meghan too in going off stage especially to protect her health.

BUT when she came on for Think of Me? Holy. Smokes. THAT GLORIOUS VOICE. Where did that come from such a tiny frame? It's so big and whole and powerful and she sings and extends the cadenza effortlessly. You'll know this is opera-trained.

My take with her Christine is that she takes on  Meghan's personality, especially in Act I where she is bubbly and friendly with the ballerinas and when she tries to explain to Raoul that the angel of music is very strict (she does it sheepishly). Listening to her radio interviews it makes sense how it sometimes blurs who Meghan is and who Christine is.

She also mentioned how she and the character are utterly consumed by music, and she shows it not just as a trance state but also in a Sarah Brightmanesque possessed state. I want to take a closer look at this because from afar there's a danger of looking like she's doing nothing when she's been doing big gestures with her hands earlier. So it looks like on and off. But maybe up close it's possible she communicates more.

Her strength and her strongest weapon is undoubtedly that voice, because with it she isn't afraid to make the songs her own, to manipulate them as the scene demands for it and as she needs it. Her vocal control is incredible. She is able to communicate fear, panic and passion effortlessly because of that malleable voice that she need not stay the course of the song but give it her interpretation ("in that, <i>strange</i>. sweet. sound.") She could cry and scream in song if that makes sense? I just looooooove listening to her sing and there are just so much dimensions in her interpretation that way. And there's even more to it when she performs with her cast mates.

Okay this brings me to the next part of the review. I saw Jonathan earlier with Clara and it went without a hitch so to speak. In figure-skating speak he landed those lutz. The evening, told a different story. When he couldn't extend his BE in MOTN I started to get worried.

The figure-skating analogy will become very clear towards the rest of the performance as I waited in bated anticipation how he'll try to land his jumps. This was me the whole time basically.

He started stumbling losing breath and ending in rasps towards the end of Act I. Obviously this is not his norm, I've seen him 4 times after all, including the earlier matinee. There was something wrong. But the question now is what he'll do in the vocally demanding AND fast-paced Act II full of quadruple jumps?

Well Jonathan had to do a series of quick decisions, there were words he had to speak more softly, keys that he had to changed and lyrics recited so he can reserve his strength and give them to the money makers. But all in all? Led to a beautiful heart-wrenching performance as he took the show in One Emotional Ride I've never witnessed before. And I believe the person sustaining him, receiving this acting and spinning it to gold? Meghan. There was teamwork happening during the Final Lair as both characters were giving one fiery performance and receiving it, enhancing it, supporting another by giving so much to work with. Meghan comes at you at Final Lair with such fervor. There was a part where she rips the veil so angrily the hair mic went POOF but this is the kind of energy she comes at Jonathan. I don't know if I've seen a Final Lair come like a frenzied hurricane of adrenaline, distress and fury. There were a lot of tears on that stage. Jonathan’s limitations worked for him in the end especially in conveying the anguish of the character. In this way, the show finished in a heart-wrenching note AND thunderous applause.

Oh when Meghan returned the ring, the Phantom clung to her hand and they remained that way for a bit, until Meghan regretably retracted the outstretched arm and left.

So. Um, wow. It was a hell of a ride, and I have to say, guiltily, that I liked how unpredictable it was. That was just pure raw stage energy and thespians are olympians too.

I definitely need to see more of these two before the show closes in close to 2 weeks (cue weeps). 

If you got as far as this um, thank you. You are very patient. I have no reward but here's me wearing the PHwhdjfis hoodie

[caranfindel]

Recap/review 14.13: “Lebanon”

THEN: They hit me right in the face with gorgeous young 1.01 Dean saying "Dad's on a hunting trip and he hasn't been home in a few days" and beautiful baby 1.01 Sam saying "we've got work to do" and we end with 14.12 and Sam furiously punching his brother and then furiously hugging him and Dean saying "let's go home" and does anything else matter? No.

NOW: We see the reflection of Sam and Dean walking up to a pawn shop, with a nice selection of guitars and sunglasses and that weird monkey that was in Rocky's Bar. The proprietor seems friendly enough. Dean flashes him a wad of hundred dollar bills because they're looking for "the really good stuff." This gains them admittance into a secret back room full of things hunters would be interested in, including a hockey mask (?) and a perfume atomizer full of dragon's breath. They tell the guy they're looking for the skull of a specific woman who was executed during the Salem witch trials, and the fact that he has it basically proves that he killed the friend of theirs who previously owned it. (Also Sam picks up a teddy bear and starts to pull the string to make it speak and the guys warns him not to and this is Dean's role, isn't it, messing with things he shouldn't be messing with? But I don't care because chastized Sam and eye-rolly Dean are precious to me.)

Sam goes through a ledger of the guy's inventory and says he's got a lot of occult objects that they should take with them. (Dean plays with the dragon's breath. Sam ducks and flinches and does the really, Dean? thing with his hands and face. I laugh again.) Dean agrees they should take the stuff home.

Title card!

The Impala zooms past a sign welcoming us to Lebanon, Geographical Center of the USA. Then we find ourselves in front of a movie theater showing Beetlejuice and Hell Hazers (All Saints' Day is coming soon, and I imagine Route 666 can't be far behind), where a group of teenagers is talking about... somebody. "People say they're brothers," a kid in a knit cap says, "but all I know is, I was standing right here, and I heard this bam from the trunk of their car. And then, this like, shallow breathing." I'm pretty sure this is a fake-out, and it will turn out he's talking about someone else, but the Impala pulls up in front of the theater and Knit Cap Kid says "that's them!"

As the Winchesters get out of the car and enter a liquor store (decorated with that Family Business neon sign from Rocky's), Sam is still reading the ledger, which lists things like a hangman's rope, fairy dust, and John Wayne Gacy's cigar box. Well, that's oddly specific! The guy working there greets the "Campbell brothers" and knows their usual order. Oh, wow. I love that they're actually known in Lebanon, and that they're going by Campbell. And we know that actual Lebanon, Kansas is too small to have a movie theater or this much business downtown, but I'm happy to handwave that.

What do you mean, "happy to handwave that?" You're always complaining about the inaccuracies regarding tiny Lebanon having traffic cams and whatnot.

Well, maybe this episode just MAKES ME HAPPY, okay?

Anyway. Sam thinks cataloguing the confiscated items would be a good way to take Dean's mind off "things," but Dean's pretty convinced nothing will ever take his mind off that.

Outside, the teens are asking where the guys even come from, and what about their weird trenchcoat-wearing sidekick, and "that kid with the dumb Bambi look on his face all the time" (!) One girl says that, whatever the deal is with these guys, they do have an awesome car, and no one can argue with that. And the other girl, Max, who seems to smitten with the first girl, gets an idea.

Inside, Sam has discovered something significant in the ledger - the "beyzoo" (no, I know that's not how you spell it), which is one of eight ancient Chinese treasures. A pearl that gives you "what your heart desires." Oooh, getting rid of Michael, maybe? But as the guys are discussing this, Dean sees the Impala drive by the window. Guess Max figured out how to impress that other girl! (BTW, there are couple of COOL old trucks on the street.)

The guys see Knit Cap Kid standing on the sidewalk looking confused, and while Sam tells him the car is dangerous to whoever stole it, Dean looks like he wants to murder someone. And yet the Winchesters are confused when the kid says he doesn't want to die. (Or get locked in the trunk!) He says Max is new and he doesn't know where she lives. Dean raises a fist, but Sam pulls him away.

MURDER. I'D MURDER THEM.

Post office. There's a poster of stamps featuring old cars behind the customer service counter. I'm really getting my old truck fix tonight. Sam comes in with his sweet anxious smile and asks for help finding the girl who washed his car, since he forgot to tip her. Post Office Lady is not amused or helpful, or the least bit swayed by his sweet anxious smile. Then Dean comes in and calls her by name and asks about her grandson and she MELTS and he gets sincere and puts his hand on hers and she does exactly what I would do, which is offer up ANYTHING YOU WANT, ANYTHING AT ALL, WOULD YOU LIKE MY SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER WHILE I'M AT IT? Unfortunately, all she knows is where Max's mother works.

SAM’S FACE.

(Sidebar: Have I mentioned that Sam is wearing that nice blue jacket from the episode where he killed the alpha vampire? I like it. Toss that stupid orange jacket, Sam, and wear this more often. And Dean's wearing the black jacket that I always love.)

At the restaurant where Max's mom works, we learn that she has no idea where her daughter is, because she was supposed to be in school. But the guy working in the kitchen knows February 7 is Skip Day (is it always February 7? what about when that falls on a weekend?) and that she'll probably be at a party at this old house on Route 36. (Yes, I did confirm that Route 36 is just outside of Lebanon. Yes, I did use Mapquest. I'm old school up in here, y'all.)

Party house. The little batch of delinquents has taken all the boxes of occult objects out of the Impala for some reason. Including the evil teddy bear. Luckily, someone announces "pizza's here" before a girl pulls the teddy bear's string. At some point I've got to find out what would happen if you pulled it. Fic it for me, friends! (Also, I just noticed the teddy bear's mouth is SEWN SHUT and that's not creepy AT ALL.) The camera slowly pans to a wooden box, and we watch the lid open to reveal a smoky/dusty ghost hand. With a ruffled sleeve. Uh oh.

Knit Cap Kid runs in to warn the partiers that "those guys" are looking for Max, and he's told to chill. Another teen goes into the bathroom, where the mirror frosts over and then the CREEPIEST CLOWN EVER comes out of it. Seriously, creepier than the clown in Plush, which you wouldn't think was possible.

The Winchesters pull up in yet another antique truck, where Dean greets his car with "Baby, Baby, please tell me you're not hurt." Sam's more concerned about the boxes of dangerous occult objects missing from the back seat. Ghost Kid comes running outside and the girl following him tells the brothers that he saw a clown ghost that tried to kill him. Maybe it's my imagination, or maybe Sam has a flash of crap, a killer clown ghost expression before they run into the house.

Dean announces they're FBI and everyone needs to get out, now. Once the room is cleared, he asks if "anything screams clown to you?" Sam immediately notices John Wayne Gacy's cigar box and guys, I'm ashamed to say I didn't put the two together until now. The killer clown ghost is John Wayne Gacy. And Sam is freaked the fuck out about it. "We should burn that right now," Dean says, in a lovely holding-in-the-freakout way, and Sam rushes to throw it into the fireplace. Then Dean says "I mean, this is like a best worst thing that's ever happened, because you love serial killers, but you hate clowns" and I'm DEAD. (I'm also loving TWO gifts from the Continuity Fairy in once sentence.) The lights start flashing before Sam can get his lighter lit, and then the killer clown ghost shows up and tosses Dean around. Knit Cap Kid and the girls run back inside just in time to watch John Wayne Gacy's ghost go up in flames. So the kids get the "monsters are real" speech and are told to keep it secret.

Back at the bunker, Sam's going through the occult goodies and thinks he found the magic pearl. Dean's ready to use it right now, and dismisses Sam's suggestion that they call Mary or Cas. If it doesn't work, he doesn't want to have gotten their hopes up. Sam looks distressed at the idea it won't work, but agrees. The pearl doesn't come with any instructions, so Sam suggests Dean hold it and concentrate on what his heart desires. "Michael out of my head," Dean says, and I'd have been more specific. I'd have concentrated on Michael out of my head and destroyed, and me perfectly fine, but, well, what do I know?

(Also, I KNOW all you Wincest and Destiel fans are gonna have your own ideas about what - or who - appears in front of Dean when he’s granted what his heart desires. This setup is better than sex pollen. Have fun, my kinky little friends.)

Dean clutches the pearl and concentrates, and the lights flash and then go out, and in the red emergency light we see someone in the bunker. Someone fighty, who knocks both brothers down and then pulls out a shotgun and says "don't you move," but it's a familiar voice and then the lights come on and what do you know? Winchester Surprise!

So, was anybody truly surprised? I covered the guest stars on first viewing, as I always try to do, but I noticed on rewatch that they didn't even credit JDM at the beginning of the episode. Which they sometimes do, to avoid spoilers. And yet. Has there been a single episode of this series that was more spoiled? I don't think so.

(Sidebar: What do you think would have happened if Sam had taken the pearl and made a wish? I think Michael would be gone. Because I don't think there's anything Sam wants more than saving his brother.)

Back to our story. Everyone is shocked. John thinks Sam should be in Palo Alto, apparently in his 14th year of post graduate work. He thinks he's still in 2003, and he doesn't notice his boys are older. And they apparently don't notice that his hair is very short and a lot greyer than it was when we last saw him. (I mean, really, they slapped a wig on Samantha Smith to make her look like The Last Version Of Mary, so why couldn't they do the same thing with JDM? It's distracting.) Sam figures they must have accidentally summoned John from the past. So they do what one does in this situation - sit down and drink.

John's astonished. Dean's proud. Sam's visibly anxious. We don't get to see exactly how much of the backstory they tell him, but they do tell him about the apocalypse and Lucifer and living with "an angel and Lucifer's kid." And now John thinks he died "taking out Yellow Eyes," which... not really? But okay. And they don't tell him Mary's back, until he mentions her and Sam's, all, yeah, about Mom, and then she comes in and John hears her voice and tears up and dammit. This reunion is everything I didn't think I ever wanted. I mean, I've made no secret of the fact that I'm not a fan of John Winchester. He's a fascinating character and JDM does a great job with him, but he's such an awful father (don't bother arguing with me, you will not change my mind) that I can't really like him. And I'm not too impressed with resurrected Mary, either. But when these two come together... damn. It's good. It's very good. Well done, you two.

I love that the boys give them some privacy, because it's been over a decade since John saw them, but it's been even longer since he saw his dead wife, and this should really be a John and Mary reunion.

Out in the hall, Dean's gleeful and Sam's all, how the hell did this happen? Dean explains that he's wanted this since he was four years old (oh, my heart) but Sam warns that messing with time will not end well. I don't actually remember Sam being that concerned about the unintended consequences of time travel, but I'm sure there's a good reason he's bringing it up now. Dean doesn't care. Dean just wants one family dinner together (oh, my heart again, remembering his one last dinner with Mary).

Sam, sans Dean, runs into John in the library, because Mary's off making a shopping list and he decided he'd rather examine the bunker than be involved in that I guess? Okay. But then this happens.

I screwed up with you a lot, didn't I?

No, that's okay.

No, it's not. Sammy, tell me the truth.

I don't want to talk about that.

You didn't have a problem talking about it before you left.

Dad. For me, that fight, that was a lifetime ago. I don't even remember what I said. I mean, yeah, you know, you did some messed-up things. But I don't... I mean, when I think about you... and I think about you a lot... I don't think about our fights. I think about you... I think about you on the floor of that hospital, and I think about how I never got to say goodbye.

Sam. Son. I am so sorry.

I'm sorry too. But you did your best, Dad. You fought for us, and you loved us. And that's enough.

OH MY GOD. This is everything I ever wanted.

1. John admitting he was a crap parent to Sam.

2. Sam trying to sidestep that - because he's Sam Winchester and that's what he does - and John not letting him.

3. Sam finally calling him out instead of just saying nah, it's fine.

4. John calling him Sammy.

5. Sam pointing out that he didn't get a goodbye from John. (Did he ever find out that Dean got praise and an apology?)

6. John apologizing.

7. Sam forgiving him.

8. "And I think about you a lot."

9. The way Sam keeps having to stop talking and look away and make that little "hmmm" noise.

10. And the tears.

10b. The way Sam tears up even before The Talk, when he remembers them as kids trying to make Winchester Surprise.

11. The shaky voice.

12. And Sam's shirt.

13. And the way Sam's expression looks so much like his expression in Sacrifice, when he tells Dean that his confession was about how he let his brother down.

This, right here, is two minutes and 24 seconds of the best television I've ever seen. I don't care what else this episode does, this 2:24 is worth it. And yes, this is three weeks in a row that Jared Padalecki has ripped my heart out of my chest and STOMPED ON IT.

And I love it.

Meanwhile, Dean gets the shopping list from Mary. Sam finds him and tells him he's right, because Sam also just got everything he ever wanted, and then offers to go shopping with him. (Saaaaaaaaaaammmmmmmmm!!!!!!!)

When they get to town, the guys split up - Sam to the grocery store, Dean to the liquor store. Dean's surprised to see the liquor store guy, the one who remembered his "usual" earlier in the day, has no idea who he is. If Dean had ever seen "It's a Wonderful Life," he might say this is just like when George Bailey goes into Martini's Bar and isn't recognized. But apparently Dean Winchester, pop culture aficionado, has never seen that movie (no, I haven't gotten over that, and I never will) so he doesn't recognize a classic uh oh, we changed the course of history moment when he experiences it.

Meanwhile, Sam steps out of the grocery store and finds that neither Max nor the postal clerk recognize him. And then he sees a wanted poster in the post office window. Dean Winchester, wanted for assault, murder, and credit card fraud. Whoops! He trots to the car, where Dean is waiting, and tells him they have a problem. "Yeah, we do," says Dean. "Check this out."

He shows Sam his phone and it's a video of SAM IN GLASSES AND A BLACK TURTLENECK AND SLICKED BACK HAIR GIVING A TED TALK. HE RUNS A LAW FIRM AND LOVES KALE. IT IS THE SECOND MOST AMAZING THING I'VE SEEN TONIGHT.

HE'S STEVE JOBS.

So, those of you who were spoiled... did you know about this? Or did they actually keep THIS AMAZING THING under wraps?

Sam Jobs tells his audience that being your best leaves no time for hobbies or a family, and Sam has seen enough. He tells Dean about the wanted poster, and Dean says yes, of course he googled himself too ("a lot of beheadings," hee!!!) and wonders if there are alternate versions of them running around. Sam thinks it's a "temporal paradox," and time is self-correcting, changing to the new one. If they don't fix things, they'll become those alternate versions of themselves. "Well, I'm cool," Dean says, "but you're, ugh." Sam's less worried about them, and more worried about what else might have changed.

(Sidebar: You know, I could quibble about why bringing John forward in time has such a significant butterfly effect, but bringing Mary back, and their other time travel, and Henry's time travel, changed nothing. I absolutely could. But I choose not to, because SAM JOBS, Y'ALL. But okay, let's think about it. 2003 John would have disappeared while Sam was at Stanford. Dean wouldn't have gone to get Sam. Or Sam would have refused to go. Maybe the hurt on both sides was still too fresh. Maybe that's why Dean's hunting alone, and Sam's an internet-famous lawyer.)

What else has changed, you might ask? How about ZACHARIAH? That's right, my favorite angel is back. And with him is ORIGINAL FLAVOR CAS WITH HIS FLUFFY HAIR AND THINGS JUST KEEP GETTING BETTER AND BETTER. Zachariah calls him "Constantine" and Castiel says "I don't understand that reference" and THANK YOU BABY JESUS, I DON'T KNOW WHAT I DID TO DESERVE THIS, BUT THANK YOU. They enter Max's mom's restaurant and ask who's been messing with time. (Because she would know?) And if they don't start talking, he'll have Cas murder all of them. "My name is Castiel," he intones solemnly. "I'm an angel of the Lord." YES YOU ARE. He reveals himself like he did to Dean (no, not like that, jeez) with the shadow wings. Outside, the Winchesters see the bright light of an angelic reveal coming through the restaurant windows, and they know something's up.

They herd everyone out of the restaurant, and are shocked to see Cas and Zachariah. Zachariah is equally surprised to see them. He says they had big plans for the Winchesters, but then their father disappeared and... and he doesn't finish, so we'll never know why yoinking John out of 2003 changed any of that vessel stuff. (Handwave!) Cas, of course, doesn't know them, and when Zachariah orders him to kill them, he complies.

Dean pulls out an angel blade but is, of course, unwilling to actually kill Cas, so he starts hitting him with other things. And Cas, for whatever reason, doesn't just put a finger on his forehead and kill him dead. (Handwave!) Zachariah chokes Sam and asks him what they did, even though he can't talk because he's choking (handwave!) and Sam acts like he's trying to speak so Zachariah gets closer to hear him, and Sam stabs him with an angel blade. Cas continues fistfighting with both of them, and slams Sam head-first into a table a couple of times, leaving him spitting blood on the floor. Which Sam uses to paint an angel-banishing sigil while Cas is choking Dean. Smart Sam for the win!

Bunker. Pretty bruised Dean has explained the temporal paradox, and John accepts that he has to go back, or else Mary will probably disappear. "Okay," he says. "I mean, me versus your mom, that's not even a choice." DAMMIT JOHN WINCHESTER DO NOT MAKE ME CARE ABOUT YOU. Elsewhere, pretty bruised Sam explains it to Mary, and tells her John won't remember anything.

John tells Dean he never meant Dean to have this kind of life. He's proud of him, but he hoped he'd be able to have a normal life, with a family. "I have a family," Dean says. They sit down and have one final family meal together, and everyone's quiet and sad until John points out that they can either think about what's going to happen, or appreciate what they have right now. They cheer up and listen to Bob Seger (well, we listen to Bob Seger) and talk and laugh and have the family dinner Dean has always wanted.

Later, while doing the dishes, Sam says how unfair it is that they all had this and then have to throw it away, and John has to go back to being Dad. He thinks it would be nice for John to go back knowing what he knows now. "I used to think that too," Dean says, and admits that he's blamed both John and Mary for their crappy lives. And if they could send him back to 2003, or even earlier, maybe none of the crap would happen. "But here's the problem. Who does that make us? Would we be better off? Maybe. But I gotta be honest, I don't know who that Dean Winchester is. And I'm good with who I am. I'm good with who you are."

Later. Mary and John are holding hands, and I guess they're doing the thing now. I'd hoped they'd at least let these two have one last roll in the hay (especially since I'm pretty sure Mobby is permanently done after this), but no. They have a very sweet goodbye and their sons are brokenhearted and I am too. John tells his boys to take care of each other and Sam says "we always do." That's a nice change from telling Dean to take care of Sam, isn't it? He tells them both (BOTH) that he's proud of them and loves them, and they have a three-way hug and Sam wipes his eyes and Dean says "love you too" and I REALLY CAN'T, BOYS, YOU HAVE TO STOP. Then John takes Mary's hand again and Sam crushes the pearl (why does Sam have to be the one to do it?) and John glows and then fades away.

We get a quick glimpse of downtown Lebanon returning to normal, and the three teens talking about how cool it is that "those guys hunt monsters," and then we're back to the bunker. Cas walks in the door and sees the remaining Winchesters, obviously distressed, and asks what happened. "Well, there's a story," says Dean.

And finally, we see the Impala WITH HER ORIGINAL KANSAS PLATE. John's asleep in the driver's seat when he gets a phone call from Dean. "No, I'm okay, I just had one hell of a dream. No, it was a good one."

GUYS. GUYS.

When I heard there was going to be a musical episode for the 200th, I was sure it would suck. When I heard about the Scooby Doo crossover, I cringed, because I knew it would be awful. WHY AM I ALWAYS SO WRONG.

Eh, who cares why. Let's just appreciate what we were given. Happy 300, my friends. Here's to 300 more.

(Please help me stay unspoiled for future episodes, thanks!)

[satyrsdontwearboots]

2 de abril

HEADSPACE GUIDE TO MEDITATION (part 1)

Mindfulness, meditation, focus training. Why do I let myself forget about these powerful tools, time and time again? It's time to try new things. See if I can fall in love with new techniques and ways to train my mind and my focus to chill out.

For the past few days I've been trying something suggested by my friend, which is a form of meditation. The point of this exercise is to focus your attention on a single thing at a time, and only on that specific thing. I suppose it could be an object in your room, or specific part of your wall, or anything that would prevent your eyes from darting back and forth all over the place. For me, I decided to draw a little dot on a post it and stick it to the plainest wall in my apartment, and then focus on the dot while I'm stretching. There's something to that! I'll keep the post-it on my wall for another couple of weeks, I think. But in the meantime, since I'm doing all my stretching in the form of yoga, I'll find another way to meditate.

For someone who has never attempted any type of meditation or mindfulness training, it's easy to dismiss it as just another thing that won't work. "I tried it, I just couldn't concentrate. My thoughts kept distracting me", is something I've heard a lot. It's important to remind myself that it doesn't work right away. You can't go from having a thousand thoughts about a million different things in your life to becoming one with the cosmos.

And that's something the narrator in this series likes to emphasize a lot. Meditating is a skill. An acquired skill. Something you have to practice. Put the hours in. Some days it might feel easy, some days may be more difficult. It doesn't matter, as long as you try to be there, for yourself. I need to be there for myself.

I went ahead and followed along to his guided meditation. It was nice. He has a calming voice. At one point I felt lightheaded, I think I was forcing myself to breathe in too quick intervals. Alexa, remind me to hold my breath for a while longer after I inhale during meditation.

The narrator -I believe his name is Andy- told a story of an analogy one of his Buddhist mentors passed on to him. Meditating is like sitting by a road and watching the cars go by. The cars are your thoughts. It's okay to notice them. They're there. They're probably going to keep coming every now and again. Specially depending on the individual. Some roads are busier than others. Some days have more traffic than others. You don't have to chase every car you see. And even if you do end up losing focus and find yourself chasing one of those cars, remember to go back to where you started. Have a seat. Enjoy the view.

30 DAYS OF YOGA (day 4)

Ichi, ni, san, yon!

Every lesson in this program has a one-word title. Lesson 4 is called "flow". I guess the concept was to feel how each movement flows into the next. And what that entails in practice is that we were doing all the moves I learned in previous lessons back-to-back now. No breaks. I can't say it wasn't tough, but I can maintain certain positions for a while longer now, which I didn't really expect.

I thought maybe I should skip doing it today. My body was sore and it's the weekend. But I just figured, why not? If I need to, I'll take a break, or stop the lesson altogether. And while I did need to stop for a minute or two to catch my breath and to go fetch a towel to wipe the sweat off, I really did better than I thought I would.

Another thing to note, is that I've been feeling something that I can only describe as something that has been unclogged in my digestive system. I don't feel as full and bloated, and I think my bowels are more active. Whether that's to do with yoga, I don't know. But there you go.

The shoulders. Ah, the shoulders! My most neglected upper body muscles are in full display now. Whenever I have to perform a plank, or Downward Facing Dog, I feel they're about to give out before anything else; a feeling not unknown to me, since I experienced the same thing when I was experimenting with pushup variations a couple years ago. I think they'll be a lot stronger by the end of these 30 days.

Namaste!