#and this is why I love this hellscape
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nocek · 8 months ago
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Wade doesn't realize how very, very, VERY task oriented Miguel is (and absolutely not jealous about Logan's claws size) ;P
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ki1ldeer · 2 months ago
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I have it written somewhere that his post-demigod haircut is “as close to his head as he could get it with dull craft scissors” but I’m usually too much of a coward to commit to it being that short
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the-brain-rats · 3 months ago
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sorensonsposts · 14 days ago
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Went on to Etsy and saw a bunch of weird beige pottery and stuff made for "Modern farmouse" and I was like "WTF happened to my Etsy algorithm" and it turns out I was just signed out with an update. Thank God. Back to weird holiday cards with Shrimp on them and funky AF stickers.
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popsicle-stick · 1 month ago
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it genuinely is weird seeing everyone say how soft water is supposed to taste so much better but after living 3 years in cornwall i Must Beg To Differ
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miralparis · 3 months ago
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:')
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solarpunkani · 5 months ago
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Dude, I think it's super awesome that you haven't been able to post as much because you are busy organizing. I went to my local DSA info meeting this month and too feel inspired to actually start doing something. One of the things I mentioned in response to the question of why I was interested in joining the org was that I was tired of just seeing it on the internet and feeling helpless.
So I def won't blame you for not posting, nor should anyone else. Plus seeing ur post further motivated me to keep going and solidified my choice to become a dues paying member. Thanks.
Oh I uh
Thanks
But I wanna be clear I think I’m organizing in like. The lightest most gentlest sense of the term. I’ve done a couple trash cleanups and gone to like 2 meetings total. Three if I can make it to the January one? Thats about it.
Well we also did a Squad Hike but yknow.
Me and some other buddies are trying to take over a derelict community garden to grow like veggies and herbs and stuff for whoever wants to take but thats not a DSA thing. Though we did meet through the DSA. Highkey I started yapping about gardening and then a new channel was made and we were emailing the city. (Im not the one in charge of it because its like 20-30+ min from my house so I can’t go Super Regularly but I’m like. Helping.)
But like. I’m still too awkward to do the phone banking or anything. They were concepting maybe doing a rally on inauguration day and I’m too anxious to really consider going even though they say rallies are usually chill. I haven’t even gone to one of their chill post-meeting hangouts because I’m A: awkward and B: don’t like the food at the restaurants they go to like that
Like literally I cannot emphasize enough I was literally just riding the high of doing a trash cleanup once every other Saturday and yapping about plants that I genuinely forgot that the tide of global politics was shifting into drowning mode for two wholeass months.
Though working the Christmas rush at Target might’ve also helped with that because MAN…..
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hikarinohimew · 1 year ago
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I have headcanons of all levels myself. They all have their moments to shine, sometimes they all even come together in a single fic. But the thing is, I have to remind me where each of them are in the canon-fanon spectrum, so I know when I can stomp my feet in a discussion because it's in-line with canon and when to bow down because I did Make Up Shit™ that's mine and the few friends I managed to convert only.
I feel like, in most fandoms I'm in, the entire conflict indeed comes from people not accepting that their fully Made Up Shit™ (affectionate) is not canon and still preaching it as is — which then leads to canon enjoyers/stickers to lash out even on people who do acknowledge their Made Up Shit™ is just that, and the cycle keeps going on and everyone gets hurt.
And yes, I like making my blorbos go full genderfuckery. Yes, I like my boys feminine. Yes, I can and will give them different pronouns if I feel it Fits™. Dresses go brrr. Accurate biology is for the weak, gimme that dragon funky body. Neurotypical? Throw that to the trash. Funky brains rule. I already made them gay — might as well go all out.
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TL;DR Everything can exist at once and people can have fun however they want, but knowing how to keep their sandboxes separated when interacting with fandom at large is a must for everyone to have fun.
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it came to my realization that 99% of my fandom related headaches would be cured if everyone understood this
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iamthepulta · 7 months ago
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*watching T1 and BLG playing League*
I should do a League of Legends Jinx cosplay with all the free time I have.
Yo Faker just made 500 kills at worlds GG
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drchucktingle · 11 days ago
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LOVE IS REAL is a simple three word statement but can be pulled apart in infinite ways. it is on my mask, and when buckaroos ask me why, my most common response is 'what else is there?' weve been blessed with a moment to exist and we try on other ideas, but in the end, love is what holds substance
could have said 'love is good' or 'love wins' or 'love is love' and these are all fine ideas i suppose, but TO ME it is kind of burying to lede. for any of these to be true, we are assuming that LOVE EXISTS and the implications of that are so mind bending and powerful that i think its all i need
the grand cosmic curve of existence always bends towards love. it takes some LONG DETOURS thats for dang sure, and theres plenty of turbulence, but what strikes me is that for some reason the finger of fate is out there pressing the scale and THAT IS WILD. THAT IS BEAUTIFUL. THAT IS ALL THERE IS.
some may think this is an inherently religious argument and it is not, unless you want it to be. personally i am not a religious bud, i just see the way that posturing alpha goofs say that violence and hate wins, then i look at nature and see community and grace and love eventually rise to the top
i see the nature of all things pushing back against the endless void, filling it with creation and existence, which thrives on community and love. a big bang filling the empty. mold working together to crawl across stone. fish swimming in a school. humans building a community center. TIME ITSELF
so i think to myself ‘go wild discussing what love is or how to make the most of it' and thats a great talk to have. THATS IMPORTANT. getting out and helping and PROVING LOVE is to wield the power of the universe. but the thing i want on my forehead is the basic level, the square one: LOVE EXISTS
yes, the times undulate between easy breezy and ULTIMATE HELLSCAPE. do not forget this. fight against it. but if you are ever exhausted and you wonder, why am i here? why am i existing? does this matter? remember that LOVE IS REAL and by simply existing you are hoisting the flag of love. WAVE IT
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beggars-opera · 2 years ago
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I love when newspapers are like "why are people so pessimistic about the economy when stocks are up and inflation is slowing?" Maybe because stocks mean next to nothing to the average person? Maybe because inflation slowing down still leaves it astronomically high when wages haven't kept up pace? Maybe because rents and housing in general have increased far beyond normal inflation and people are only left with the choice to pay up or be homeless? Maybe because most people's lives are still a complete hellscape in the real world regardless of the theoretical numbers on your little spreadsheet????
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deathbxnny · 6 months ago
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Can I request angst for arcane characters x reader. Where they argued with each other and then later on reader is hanging on to dear life (READER SAVE ISHA FROM DEATH PLEASE! IM COPING-)
Arcane women with an s/o that dies after an argument. | Vi, Jinx, Caitlyn x Gn!Reader
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So I may have taken this idea in a more extreme direction, ahaha... Anyway, thanks for the great request and I hope you'll enjoy!!<3
(I'm sorry in advance-)
Content: Heavy angst, arguments, spoilers for season 2, established romantic relationships, blood, fatal injuries, sfw
Reader has no set pronouns.
((Not proofread))
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》VI
Your argument was a petty one. At least in her humble opinion, at least. She warned you not to push her too far, to not bring up Caitlyn when it wasn't needed. But you ofcourse refused to listen, and it ended in a full-blown screaming match she wasn't proud of. You were just looking out for her, scared she'll lose herself under the bright lights of the fighting pit and the flashing bass of the clubs. The alcohol consumption was destroying her, too, and you wanted to get her out of this hellscape.
You were always so kind and patient with her, something she was always so grateful about. So why did she tell you that she hated you? That you were overbearing? That Caitlyn was far better than you ever could be? She didn't know. She really didn't.
And any apology she may have had died on her tongue when you ran out of her dingy little showroom in tears. Oh, how her heart ached at the sound of YOU apologizing for not being good enough. The clarity of what she had done hit her like a truck then, making her finally see what she had become.
The shame made her turn even worse, your warnings and pleas feeling undeserving to follow. Days turned into weeks, then months, and she eventually forgot all about everyone... except for you. The image of your brokenhearted figure haunts her at every moment. Especially her dreams.
So when Jinx came to her for help, she saw it as a sign. She needed to apologize and get you back. She was desperate for it. She couldn't take it any longer without you. But alas... karma was an odd thing. Instead of hitting her like she wished, she found you being the victim of it instead. Whatever God was out there must've hated her terribly.
You were fighting with the Enforcers during the invasion of the Noxians and the Herald. Battle was never your strong suit, but you were never the type to back down from anything. Especially not when it came to the defense of your home. You had the option to leave. In fact, Caitlyn was the one to give you it. Yet, instead, you grabbed a uniform and headed to the Frontlines at her side. You were always so loyal, so goddamned good.
It was, therefore, not surprising that you threw yourself over Vi when she was being shot at. You had only briefly seen each other before it was time to move, and you gave her a welcoming, weak smile that made her heart hammer against her chest. She wasn't deserving of you. "Why... Why the fuck did you do that?!" She yelled over the sound of chaos above her, when she was finally able to get you somewhere safe. Giving her a bloody grin, you flinched a little at the pain in your chest, an arrow protruding from it. The crimson liquid drenched the blue of your uniform and Vi's palm that she desperately pressed against it. But there was no hope. It was over.
The gods wanted you dead.
Placing your hand over hers, you stopped her frantic movements with a chuckle turned cough. "I... I'm sorry-" "-Stop apologizing! I should be the one doing that! I'm the reason this all happened, I... I'm so fucking sorry." Her tears dropped onto your face, and you reached up with the last of your power to wipe them away. You couldn't breathe anymore. Your heart was beginning to fail, and the primal panic set in in the face of death. Intelligible words spilled out of your mouth, not making any sense to anyone but you. You wanted to tell her how much you still loved her.
But with a deep, rattling breathe your suffering was finally over, and your hand dropped to your side limply. Vi could only stare at you in horror, unable to say a word anymore, before she was dragged away by some Enforcers. She tried to fight her way back to you, yet there was no use.
The last thing she saw was your body being covered by debris from the falling ceiling.
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》JINX
You and Jinx had gotten into an argument in the Herald's weird compound over Vander's well-being. Whilst she, too, didn't trust Viktor, she ultimately had no other ideas on how to turn him back to normal. And that's all she really wanted. She wanted her father back so badly that she and Vi were both too blinded to see how odd this entire thing really was. And it didn't help that you were worried about Isha's safety too.
Everyone here felt too robotic to be human. They didn't have real emotions or motivations other than what their leader had already preached about. It all felt superficial and lifeless, like they were husks and empty shells of people. But alas, you were the only one who saw it. Everyone basked in the warm sun and heavenly aura, never daring to glance into the darkness around them in fear of what they may see. The people that were "healed" didn't seem really healed. And you wondered if the Herald himself was blinded too.
Either way, it led to a huge argument in which you asked her to get Vander and everyone else rounded up to leave immediately. She was confused at first, but it started to frustrate her how you couldn't understand how much this meant to her. This was the first step to freedom and having her family back. A family she always wanted to have with you. Jinx got a small taste of that with Isha around now and never wanted to lose it again. But you couldn't shake the feeling that something really bad was going to happen if you didn't get out of here now. It ended with you both going your separate ways for the time being, mainly because you refused to argue in front of the poor small girl.
You avoided each other like the plague in the compound, and Jinx ignored you out of pettiness when you tried to reconcile. The safety of the family you've created was also important to you. More than she'll ever understand. But alas, no one could convince the blue haired girl of talking to you again. Not Vi. Not Isha. Even Vander tried his luck by slightly pushing her towards you. She always took everything so personally. So much so that her stubbornness often caused the death of others she cared about.
And just as she thought that she might have finally escaped that fate, the world had to once again prove her wrong.
The Noxians were attacking, wanting to get ahold of Vander, who had gone crazy and aggressive in response. Calming him down was impossible, and fighting off an entire army of trained warriors even harder. Jinx was panicking, trying to look for you and Isha in the dense, chaotic crowd, until she saw the small girl sprint towards the crazed Warwick with her gun in hand. She was quick to understand what she was trying to do and attempted to stop her, but Vi held her back. But the girl wouldn't die today. No, at least that part of her wish would come true, as she wouldn't lose her family today... just you. Her entire world.
You came sprinting out of the masses, practically tossing Isha into safety as you grabbed the gun from her. Aiming it up at Vander, things slowed down around you when your eyes met Jinx's horrified ones. Her screams echoed in your mind whilst you mouthed "I love you" to her and pulled the trigger, hoping that everyone made it out safe in the end.
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》CAITLYN
The funerals of the deaths that were caused by Jinx's actions were all cold and grim. All of them evoke deep hatred in Caitlyn, who now stood at her last one, most guests having cleared out by now in grief. Looking back, she wondered when everything went wrong. After careful analysis, she came to the conclusion that your argument sparked most of the events in a way.
You were feeling betrayed by her lack of presence in her relationship ever since she and Vi had a mission to complete. She never let you in on what exactly they were up to, and she now realises that it was wrong of her. Cait could see how you might have thought that she had something with Vi that was never there. Sure, she was a pleasant company, and the only thing she had in very dangerous moments... but it was never more than that. She was a friend and that's it.
You, on the other hand, were her betrothed, the person she swore her life to and wanted to marry in the coming spring. Her mother had always approved of you two and practically pushed her to the next step, especially at how close she was with you. Cassandra had adopted you as your mother in law from day one, to say the least. And yet... she had disappointed her with the way she yelled at you to get a grip. Caitlyn was so stressed and exhausted in that moment that she couldn't think straight and let it out on you. Something she regrets deeply, perhaps even more than never being able to tell you how sorry she was now.
A hand came to rest on her shoulder, her mother’s stern, yet sympathetic expression greeting her. "It's time." She said, confirming the closing of your casket. Yes, this was your funeral. You had thrown yourself on top of her mother once the ceiling came crashing down. She lived with minor injuries whilst you were crushed by the debris. It was all so fast. Your reflexes were impressive as always. And it cost you your life. You were dead. Gone. She still couldn't believe it, even after gazing at your body for hours on end now.
The rage and anger turned into unspeakable hatred, one she could never shake for as long as she lived. She'd get her revenge one way or another. Even if it means to burn the entirety of Zaun down in your name to achieve it. But instead of voicing it, she took a deep breath and nodded. "Very well." She whispered, not trusting her voice anymore. The guilt was eating her alive, and she couldn't help but sway a bit on her feet at how nauseous she felt. You were always so scared of the dark and tight spaces. This was your worst nightmare, and she couldn't stop thinking about how scared you must've been in your last moments. Her mother said that you cried out Caitlyn's name before you stilled.
And so, as the casket's lid began shifting over your cold, stiff body, she stretched herself ever so slightly to catch last glimpses of your slumbering expression.
She may never forgive herself... but she'd make the undercity beg for her forgiveness instead. It was time for justice to prevail at last.
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thewitchblue · 5 months ago
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"Are you... reading Twilight?"
You had asked Jason, who broke into your apartment while you were gone grocery shopping. He only gave you a hum and continued reading as you set your grocery bags on your kitchen table.
You watched him turn the page and felt a sense of dread. It was your copy from when you were 13 years old. It had notes and doodles in the margins. Did he read your notes? Of course he would. He reads the annotated versions of Jane Austen he has for fun. Why wouldn't he read your notes? The world seemed to be against you this day.
You were so mortified you didn't even hear him laugh at a doodle you had of Edward biting a dog with the word "nom" next to it. He was almost done with the book.
You've only been dating for a handful of months. Would the notes break up your relationship? You don't remember the majority of them.
You haven't touched the trilogy since school, and you originally didn't even want to read it. The social pressure from your friends became to be too much, and it felt like a religious experience at the time.
You had forgotten about the book entirely in the years you've had it crammed in a bookcase next to the rest of the series, which, with great horror, you saw he also pulled out to read.
"Don't tell me you're enjoying the book."
You said in disbelief. The memories run through your head of your blushing cheeks at simple words on pages while the girls ganged up on you to ask which team your on. What team is Jason on? Or has he read this before behind closed doors? He shrugged and simply replied,
"I am."
You wanted to bolt out the door, but you had melting limited addition candy cane ice cream in your grocery bag.
Instead of running away, you bravely start putting away your groceries with your eyes trained on Jason. He seemed to genuinely enjoy your trashy romance book that's so incredibly dated. This is so bizarre to you. He's a fan of the classics and loves books that he can revisit without cringing.
The book appeared partially destroyed by the abyss of your backpack with a torn cover and a broken spine, but it drew Jason's attention. Of course, it would draw his attention. He always said a well loved book is one you take everywhere. A book with a broken spine and torn cover is going to make him curious.
He never had the normal teenage phase, so he's never read the book. He was curious, and he was rewarded so far. He understands now why teenagers like the trilogy so far.
You decided to break into the ice cream. You tensed at every page turned. What did you write in there? You tried to remember. You vaguely remember writing "yummy muscles" on a page. You cringed. Oh, the horrors of a horny teen.
The ice cream was as delicious as you expected it to be. How could you look him in the eyes ever again? Will he tell the whole family? You were stress eating.
Jason finished the book and went to pick up the next one, but you plucked it out of his hands before he could open it and grabbed the final book as well.
"I'm seriously going to throw these in the shredder."
Jason smirked at you. He enjoyed your little doodles and notes. It was as if he was meeting you when you were kids. He pointed out,
"I think they are too big to shred, pipsqueak."
You pouted, which only made him more amused. He pulled you into his lap and kissed your cheek. You huffed,
"I can still try."
He laughed. You were so adorable. He might have to embarrass you more. He murmured to you,
"I especially enjoyed your note of 'delicious dog meat.'"
You groaned and held your face in your hands, making the books fall to the floor. You hated your past self in this moment. Why did you keep those books? For Jason to show up and read them?
The feeling of dread eventually went away the more he kissed you. You filed away the fact you can know for a fact Jason read Twilight now, and part of you wondered if he'll spiral into the hellscape of fanfiction as a result. You are going to burn those books.
You like to think you ended up with a better love story than Twilght. Sure, you may be dating a zombie instead of a vampire or werewolf like teen you had wanted (if we can have Superman, we can have a sexy vampire or werewolf), but your zombie is perfect in his own ways.
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solxamber · 6 months ago
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Trash Novel Chronicles: Get Me Out of Here || Rook Hunt
You’re isekai’d into a trashy novel and stuck as a tragic side knight character. All you want is survival, but your boss is Rook Hunt—a poetic, eccentric duke.
Now you’re caught in his chaos and, worse, you kinda don’t mind.
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You’re a completely normal person. You eat normal meals at normal times, sleep the normal amount of hours (give or take a few, who needs all eight anyway?), and hold down a regular, soul-crushingly normal job. It’s not glamorous, but it pays the bills and lets you indulge in your one true love: reading web novels for five hours straight like some kind of feral literature goblin.
Your current obsession? The Lady’s Tragic Love. It’s the sort of story that you can’t put down—not because it’s good, but because it’s so excruciatingly terrible that it loops back around into comedy. The heroine has all the personality of a wet tissue but somehow manages to ruin everyone’s lives with reckless abandon. It’s almost impressive.
You rub your temples as you skim yet another chapter. “Oh my God, this woman has the moral compass of a black hole,” you mutter.
The plot makes less sense the deeper you go: the heroine starts off as the daughter of a down-on-their-luck noble family. Her father racks up an unholy amount of debt, so she’s forced to marry a viscount who—get this—is actually a nice guy. Like, genuinely kind. He agrees to marry her in name only to protect her from debt collectors, even offering to fund her hobbies.
And what does she do? Poison him. Poison him!
"Okay, maybe she's misunderstood," you think, in the kind of delusional optimism only a web novel enthusiast can muster.
Nope. She poisons him because she "can’t stand looking at his face," which is only mildly unattractive and not the ogre-like monstrosity the text implies. Also, he was literally helping her stay alive.
“Oh, sure, let’s kill the only decent male character in this hellscape. Why not?” you hiss, scrolling furiously.
After committing literal murder, the heroine sets her sights on an archduke, who is tall, handsome, and very much engaged to the so-called villainess. The villainess is stunning, kind, intelligent, and inexplicably hated by everyone because—checks notes—she’s too perfect?
At this point, you're gripping your phone so hard that it’s a miracle it doesn’t snap in half. “Why is the villainess the villain? This should be the heroine’s title! She’s practically speedrunning how to be the worst human being alive!”
But no, the heroine gets rewarded for her nonsense. The archduke doesn’t fall for her (because he has taste), but the crown prince does. The prince, apparently a sucker for chaos, marries her. Instead of being happy with her new title and riches, the heroine spends her days scheming to ruin the villainess’s life because, in her words, “How dare the archduke choose someone that isn’t me?”
You pause and reread that line. Then reread it again.
“WHAT?!” you yell so loudly that your downstairs neighbor bangs on the ceiling.
It’s a spiral of nonsense that drags you through emotional whiplash until you finish the last chapter with a migraine and a full-blown existential crisis. You stare at the screen. "Why...why did I do this to myself?"
You stumble out to your tiny balcony to clear your head, phone still in hand. The cool night air washes over you as you lean on the railing, your brain buzzing with rage and confusion.
“Why does she get a happy ending?” you grumble. “She’s a walking red flag factory! The villainess deserves to be queen, and the prince deserves a lobotomy for his taste in women!”
In your frustration, you kick the balcony railing. Unfortunately, your landlord hasn’t exactly been diligent about repairs. The rusted screws holding it in place give way with a terrifying screech.
“Oh, come on,” you say, deadpan, as the railing collapses beneath you.
You plummet ten stories down, bouncing off an awning like some kind of cartoon character before landing face-first in a suspiciously placed fruit cart.
As darkness creeps in, your final thought is not of regret, nor fear, but of pure, unfiltered pettiness:
“I hope my next life is more exciting… and I never have to read about this heroine again.”
With that, you pass out, blissfully unaware of the absurd fate that awaits you.
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You wake up, groggy and disoriented, and immediately ask yourself the first logical question: Why the hell am I alive?
The last thing you remember is gravity betraying you and a suspiciously convenient fruit cart breaking your fall. But when you sit up and look around, it’s very clear you’re not in your crappy apartment anymore. For starters, this place is way too clean, smells faintly of vanilla, and—oh, is that sunlight streaming through those beautiful glass windows? Not the dim, depressing flicker of the streetlight outside your old place?
Something is very wrong.
You scramble out of the bed, which is definitely not your rickety twin-sized monstrosity held together with duct tape and misplaced hope, and start poking around. The furniture is elegant, the carpet is plush, and there’s an oil painting on the wall that practically screams, Welcome to Generic Medieval Europe™!
The realization slams into you with all the subtlety of a freight train: You’re in that garbage web novel.
You pause, frozen, your brain throwing up a million red flags at once. Your knees almost buckle. "Nope. No. Absolutely not. This is some kind of cosmic punishment," you whisper to yourself, clutching your temples.
You creep towards the ornate mirror on the other side of the room, your reflection getting clearer with every step. “Please,” you mutter, “if there’s a single merciful entity out there, don’t let me be the heroine. Or the villainess. Or, God forbid, one of the male leads.”
You finally reach the mirror, squeeze your eyes shut, then crack one open. And there you are: just some random face.
“Oh, thank God,” you exhale, slumping against the wall. You’re not the heroine. You’re not the villainess. You’re not one of the tragic walking disasters that make up the main cast. You're just… some person. A total nobody.
But just as you’re about to bust out your victory dance of mediocrity, something catches your eye. You lean closer, squinting.
Wait.
No.
NO.
You’re that nobody.
You’re the tragic commoner knight who gets blackmailed by the heroine, coerced into doing her dirty work, and ends up assassinating the villainess for her. The same commoner knight who dies in three chapters because the heroine throws them under the bus as soon as the villainess's fiancé finds out what happened.
You stagger back from the mirror like it’s cursed. “Nope. Nope. Absolutely not. I did not reincarnate into this medieval soap opera just to get unalived in the dumbest way possible,” you say, pacing the room like a lunatic.
Your character’s life flashes before your eyes: the abusive father, the crippling family loyalty, the gambling debts. This poor soul had it rough even before getting turned into the heroine’s personal murder minion. And you? You’re not about to pick up that torch.
So you grab some parchment and pen what might be the most passive-aggressive resignation letter of all time.
“To Her Highness, the Crown Princess,
Kindly do your own dirty work from now on. My father can gamble himself into oblivion. I’m out. Good luck with your reign or whatever.”
Satisfied, you sign it with an unnecessarily large flourish, slap it on the desk, and prepare to bounce.
You’re halfway down the hall when you almost walk face-first into him.
Rook Hunt, the walking embodiment of “this guy doesn’t belong in this novel but here he is anyway,” stands there with his golden hair and overly dramatic smile. He’s loud. He’s eccentric. He’s dressed like he’s about to break into a musical number about the beauty of life. Oh, and he’s also the duke whose household you served in as a knight before you quit.
“Mon ami!” he exclaims, throwing his arms wide like you’re long-lost lovers. “You’ve returned to me! What an exquisite twist of fate! Shall we celebrate the beauty of reunion?”
“No,” you say flatly. You attempt to sidestep him, but Rook doesn’t just let things go.
“You cannot leave me again! Do you not wish to resume your role as my loyal knight?”
“Absolutely not,” you snap on instinct, because why on earth would you willingly dive back into this mess? But then it hits you. Wait.
Rook isn’t part of the main plot. He’s not the crown prince, not the archduke, not the villain, and definitely not one of the doomed love interests. He’s just… there. A minor character. A colorful extra who pops up to sprinkle poetic nonsense into the plot and then wanders offstage.
Your brain kicks into overdrive. If you stick with him, you’ll be close enough to the action to keep tabs but far enough to avoid the heroine’s nonsense. Plus, salary. And minor characters like him rarely die!
Your decision solidifies. You plaster on a winning smile and nod. “Actually, on second thought, yeah. Let’s do that.”
“Magnifique!” Rook practically beams as he grabs your arm. “Come, let us bask in the splendor of returning home!”
You follow him, letting his endless stream of poetic babble wash over you. Is this the best plan? Probably not. But it beats getting murdered for a heroine who couldn’t find her moral compass with both hands and a map.
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You make it back to the duke’s grand estate—because of course it’s grand. Every aristocrat in this godforsaken novel seems to have a mansion the size of a small country. Rook practically floats through the gates, his dramatic energy causing every passing servant to give him the “not again” look. You follow, still trying to process the reality of your current situation.
After an unnecessarily flowery tour of the place (you’ve been here before in this body, but you let him talk because it’s easier than interrupting), he finally stops in the courtyard. He turns to you, his eyes gleaming with excitement.
“Now, mon chevalier, reclaim your rightful position as my trusted bodyguard!” he declares, flinging his arms wide as if inviting the heavens to applaud him.
You blink. “…Respectfully, sir, why do you need a bodyguard?”
He pauses, staring at you like you just asked why water is wet. Then, with an infuriatingly serene smile, he says, “Ah, but the shadows are filled with secrets, my dear knight! The beauty of life is in its mysteries, n’est-ce pas?”
You squint at him. “Okay, but that doesn’t answer the question.”
He leans in closer, dropping his voice to a conspiratorial whisper. “Because the wolves, mon ami. The wolves.”
You freeze. “…What wolves?”
Rook straightens up, tilting his head as if contemplating the meaning of the universe. “Ah, they are everywhere and nowhere. In the forests, in the halls, in the hearts of men. Who can say where danger truly lies?”
This man just said a whole lot of words without saying anything.
“Right,” you say slowly, pinching the bridge of your nose. “But you’re, like, ridiculously strong. I’m pretty sure you could take on any wolf—metaphorical or not—by yourself.”
“Ah, mon chevalier,” he says with a wistful sigh, placing a hand on his chest like he’s reciting a Shakespearean soliloquy. “Strength alone cannot protect one from the unexpected, the unseen, the poetry of peril!”
You stare at him, trying to figure out if this is some sort of elaborate prank. But no. This man is completely serious.
“So… wolves. Poetry of peril. Got it,” you mutter, rubbing your temples. “I’ll, uh, just… go patrol or something, I guess.”
Rook claps his hands together, beaming. “Ah, magnifique! I knew you would understand! Truly, you are a gem among knights!”
You slink off, still scratching your head. You’re 90% sure the wolves are a metaphor for absolutely nothing, but who are you to question the logic of a trash novel? At least the pay is good.
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You quickly realize this trash novel is trying to trash you right back. It’s like every corner you turn, fate has decided you don’t deserve a peaceful life.
Walking through the garden to calm your nerves? Someone leaps out of the hedges with a dagger. You narrowly dodge, trip over a decorative fountain, and the attacker runs off, cackling.
Trying to enjoy the roses because you’re starting to think, “Hey, if I gotta die, at least let it be aesthetic?” Nope, arrow. Right past your ear.
By the fifth assassination attempt (some guy “accidentally” dropping a potted plant from a balcony), it clicks. The heroine must’ve decided since you’re not doing her dirty work anymore, she needs to eliminate you before you spill the beans. But, unlike her, you have brains.
So, you write a letter.
Dear Villainess and Esteemed Archduke,
I hope this letter finds you well, though considering the general chaos surrounding us, that feels optimistic.
I am writing to inform you of an unfortunate situation involving a certain someone (cough the crown princess cough) who has, shall we say, less-than-noble intentions toward your continued existence.
To clarify: she asked me to assassinate you. I know, shocking. However, as someone who values integrity, personal safety, and not being murdered by shady royalty, I’ve decided to step down from my position as her unwilling assassin.
This does mean she may hire someone else to handle the job, which is unfortunate for you but also none of my business anymore. I’m not sure how you typically handle murder plots, but I suggest taking precautions, like perhaps not smelling your roses or standing under precariously placed flower pots.
Lastly, while I am admittedly a pawn in this chaotic mess, I felt it was only fair to let you know what’s going on. I wish you both a long, unassassinated life.
Warm regards,
Your Local Retired Assassin
P.S. Please don’t kill me. I’m just the messenger.
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You thought this letter would buy you peace. Instead, it bought you an invitation.
And by “invitation,” you mean you’ve been dragged into a private meeting with the villainess and the archduke, who are both sitting across from you now, looking like they’re deciding whether to thank you or strangle you.
“So,” the villainess says, her voice like ice. “You’re telling me the crown princess is plotting to kill me?”
“Uh, yes,” you say, your palms sweating. “But, like, not me anymore! I’ve retired. Permanently.”
The archduke raises an eyebrow. “Why would she want to kill us?”
You glance at the villainess. “Uh… because you exist?”
Before the villainess can stab you (she looks ready), the door swings open, and in saunters Rook.
“Ah, my friends!” he says, grinning ear to ear. “How serendipitous that we are all here. I believe I can shed some light on this matter.”
You gape as Rook launches into a detailed explanation of the heroine’s convoluted scheme—exactly what she’s planning, who she’s hiring, and even the color of the dress she’ll wear while gloating about it.
The villainess and the archduke exchange a glance, then rise, thanking Rook for his “invaluable insight” before sweeping out of the room, leaving you and Rook alone.
You turn to him, your jaw still on the floor. “How do you even know all that?”
Rook just winks at you. “Ah, mon chevalier, the shadows have ears, and I am their maestro.”
He struts out, humming a jaunty tune, leaving you sitting there, more confused than ever. At this point, you’re half-convinced Rook is either a genius or just making stuff up as he goes. And honestly? You’re too tired to figure it out.
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You’re stationed at the edge of the garden, trying your best to blend into the scenery while the tea party unfolds. Rook, as usual, is the life of the gathering, passionately chatting with Vil and Epel, who looks like he’d rather be anywhere else.
You’re in your usual "bodyguard mode," which mostly consists of staring off into the distance and trying not to fall asleep. It’s peaceful—for once—until Epel casually drops a comment loud enough for even you to hear.
"Rook, you finally got them back, huh?"
Your brain screeches to a halt.
Got you back? Back? What does that mean? What is there to get back? Was there something to get back in the first place?
You barely have time to process any of this before Rook, in the most Rook way possible, interrupts with a flurry of poetic nonsense.
“Ah, young Epel, the winds of fortune have indeed graced me with their bounteous song! But let us not dwell on the past, for the present blooms before us like a radiant garden of opportunity!”
You blink. Did… did that mean anything? Epel seems to think it doesn’t, judging by the way he rolls his eyes and mutters something under his breath. But you’re too busy processing the odd look on Rook’s face to care.
Because, for the first time ever, Rook looks nervous.
His usual serene confidence is still there, but there’s a hint of something else—a faint pink dusting his cheeks, an almost imperceptible shift in his tone. And why the hell is your heart fluttering at the sight?
You squint at him, trying to decode whatever is happening here. Is he… embarrassed? Flustered? Can Rook even be flustered?
Before you can spiral further into overthinking, you notice Vil’s sharp gaze cutting through the moment like a knife. His violet eyes lock onto yours, and an infuriatingly amused smile tugs at the corner of his lips.
Oh no. He knows.
Vil, of course, pretends like nothing’s happening, smoothly pouring himself another cup of tea and joining the conversation like the consummate aristocrat he is. But every so often, you catch him glancing at you with that same entertained expression, like he’s just discovered a juicy secret.
You try to shake it off, refusing to let yourself be dragged into this nonsense. But Rook’s flushed face lingers in your mind, and every time he smiles at you for the rest of the party, you feel the heat creeping up your own cheeks.
Great. Just great. Whatever this is, it’s going to haunt you for days.
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It started with an uproar in the palace—a desperate, urgent call for help sent to Rook, Duke of Hunt.
"The wolves are attacking!"
You were mid-sword practice when the messenger arrived, breathless and frantic. He handed the summons to Rook, who took the parchment with an amused smile.
"Wolves, you say?" he mused, tapping his chin dramatically.
"Yes, my lord!" The messenger practically collapsed from the effort of delivering the message. "They’ve breached the outer gardens, and the prince and heroine request your immediate assistance!"
Rook looked at you, his eyes sparkling with mischief. "Ah, mon chevalier, do you recall what I told you once about wolves?"
You blinked, frowning. "You mean the thing about being surrounded by wolves one day? I thought you were joking."
Rook’s grin widened. "Oh, I never jest about wolves."
You opened your mouth to demand clarification, but Rook waved the parchment dismissively. "Alas, I must decline."
The messenger froze. "W-What? But…you’re the Duke of Hunt! The greatest tracker and marksman in the kingdom! Without you, the palace is doomed!"
Rook leaned forward conspiratorially. "Tell me, mon ami, what makes you think I’d risk life and limb for the likes of the heroine and her precious prince?"
The messenger stammered. "B-But—"
Rook held up a hand, silencing him. "No, no. I simply cannot. My schedule is far too packed. Why, just this morning, I promised my chevalier here that I’d help reorganize their weapons rack." He turned to you with a wink. "Isn’t that right?"
You rolled your eyes but nodded. "Yep. Super busy."
The messenger left, looking utterly defeated. You figured that was the end of it.
It wasn’t.
Over the next two hours, messengers kept arriving, each more desperate than the last. Rook refused them all with increasing flamboyance.
One messenger was sent away with, "Alas, the stars are not in alignment for such a hunt!"
Another was dismissed with, "The winds whisper that this is not my destiny today."
Finally, a personal plea came from the heroine herself. She barged into the estate, dramatically throwing herself at Rook’s feet.
"Oh, noble Duke!" she wailed. "You are the only one who can save us! Please, I beg of you!"
Rook tilted his head, pretending to think it over. Then he glanced at you, his expression suddenly sharp beneath the veneer of cheer.
"And what of my chevalier?" he asked.
The heroine frowned. "What do you mean?"
"You’ve made quite a nuisance of yourself lately," Rook said lightly, though there was an edge to his voice. "Why, only yesterday, you sent someone to ambush them in the gardens, did you not?"
Her face paled.
"I might reconsider," Rook said, his tone taking on a singsong quality, "if you promise to leave them alone from now on."
There was a long, tense pause. The heroine’s expression flickered between rage and fear before she finally forced a smile. "Very well. I promise."
"Splendid!" Rook clapped his hands and stood. "To the hunt, then!"
You stood there in stunned silence as he walked out the door, bow in hand. When he turned back to flash you a grin, you couldn’t help but mutter, "What the hell just happened?"
Rook’s laugh echoed through the halls, and you were left wondering yet again if you’d ever fully understand this ridiculous man.
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It’s payday, baby.
You’ve never been more excited to hold a pouch of jingling coins in your life. Your day off couldn’t have come at a better time, and you’ve already decided to treat yourself. No assassination attempts, no cryptic poetry, no Rook yammering about beauty—just you, the market, and sweet, sweet retail therapy.
After wandering for a while, you stumble upon a fruit stall, and your eyes light up. The produce is incredible—vividly colored, juicy, and nothing like the waxy, suspiciously glossy stuff you’d get in your original world. You don’t even know what half these fruits are, but they smell amazing, and you’re buying them all.
As you carry your haul back to the manor, an idea hits you like a freight train. You’ve been craving dessert—specifically, something you can’t get in medieval Europe. Something simple, sweet, and utterly anachronistic.
And that’s how you end up in the kitchen, surrounded by fresh fruit, flour, sugar, and whatever else you’ve managed to scrounge up. You’re determined to make crêpes. Yes, you know they weren’t invented yet, but the cooks don’t even seem to know what a waffle is, so they’re not going to stop you.
It takes a bit of trial and error—because, shocker, medieval kitchens are not equipped for finesse—but eventually, you’ve got a plate of soft, golden crêpes filled with fresh fruit and drizzled with honey. It’s so beautiful it almost brings a tear to your eye.
You’re mid-bite, mentally congratulating yourself, when Rook materializes out of nowhere like some kind of dessert-seeking missile.
“Mon chevalier! What marvel have you crafted here in this humble kitchen? The scent alone rivals the sweetest perfume!”
You freeze. This is fine. He’s just curious. There’s no reason to panic. Subconsciously, you scoop up a bite on your fork and offer it to him, your body on autopilot.
Rook doesn’t hesitate, leaning in and accepting the bite with the elegance of a prince at court. “Magnifique! Truly, you have woven magic into this creation, mon cher!”
You relax slightly, pride swelling at the compliment—until he takes your hand and licks a stray drop of honey from your finger.
Your brain short-circuits.
Before you can even form a coherent thought, Rook grins at you with that infuriatingly charming smile of his, leaning in to press a quick kiss to your cheek.
“You are as talented in the kitchen as you are with a blade,” he says, his voice warm and soft, as if he hasn’t just dismantled your sanity.
And then he’s gone, striding out of the kitchen with his usual jaunty step, leaving you standing there like an idiot, replaying the sensation of his lips on your cheek and his tongue on your finger.
You slowly sink to the floor, crêpe in hand, trying to process what just happened.
“Why,” you mutter to yourself, taking another bite of your crêpe for courage, “does this keep happening to me?”
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Life had been…dare you say it, pleasant recently. No assassination attempts, no tea parties and no surprise arrows whizzing by your head. You were almost convinced this world might not be so bad after all.
But like clockwork, the plot reared its ugly head.
You were outside, basking in the rare serenity of a quiet afternoon, when the shouting began. You knew the voice instantly. It was grating, furious, and way too familiar.
Your abusive father—the original you’s deadbeat excuse for a parent—had somehow crawled out of the woodwork.
“You useless brat!” he snarled, stomping toward you. “How dare you stop sending money? Do you think you’re too good for your family now?!”
Oh, for the love of—
You crossed your arms, already done with the theatrics. “First of all, family implies mutual care and respect, neither of which you’ve ever provided. Secondly, kiss my ass.”
The man’s face turned a deep shade of purple, veins bulging in his forehead. He raised his hand, and you didn’t flinch. You weren’t scared of him. You were just irritated that he had the audacity to show up and ruin your vibe.
But before his hand could even swing down, an arrow whizzed past, slicing through the air with deadly precision. It nicked his cheek, leaving a shallow cut, and he yelped like a scolded dog.
You turned, and there he was.
Rook.
But this wasn’t the poetic, flowery Rook who praised sunsets and waxed lyrical about everything under the sun. No, this was Duke Hunt. His bow was clenched tightly in one hand, his expression colder than you’d ever seen. His eyes locked onto your father, sharp and unyielding, and for the first time, you truly understood why people called him a hunter.
Your father stumbled back, clutching his cheek. “Y-you’ll regret this! I’ll get my revenge!” he spat, turning tail and running like the two-bit villain he was.
You didn’t even watch him go. You were too busy staring at Rook, your heart pounding in a way that had nothing to do with fear and everything to do with the fact that, dammit, he looked good like this.
You silently scolded yourself. Really? Now? This is when you’re going to have a revelation about your feelings? Pull it together.
Rook’s gaze softened as he looked at you, and without a word, he closed the distance between you. Before you could process it, his arms wrapped around you, pulling you into a firm, steady embrace.
You stiffened for a moment, but then it hit you—you were shaken. You hadn’t realized it until now, but the encounter had left your hands trembling. And Rook…he didn’t say a word. He just held you, radiating warmth and reassurance, as if he knew exactly what you needed.
Slowly, you relaxed, leaning into him, letting the tension bleed out of your body. For once, there were no witty remarks, no poetic musings, no cryptic riddles. Just Rook, steady and solid, and the quiet comfort of his presence.
You closed your eyes, letting out a shaky breath. Maybe life here wasn’t so bad after all.
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It was the hunting competition trope—the bread and butter of every third-rate villainess novel ever written. Noblemen rode out in droves to massacre innocent wildlife in the name of prestige, while the women gathered on the sidelines to swoon over who could kill the most majestic creature.
Normally, you'd find this whole affair ridiculous, but today? Today, it was a strategic opportunity.
Rook and you had cooked up a plan. After bagging his game, Rook would publicly gift it to the villainess, cementing the stance of his household against the heroine. A subtle yet unmistakable message to everyone present: this duke’s house wasn’t here to play politics; it was drawing battle lines.
Rook was, predictably, ecstatic about it all. “Ah, mon chevalier, what a splendid opportunity to honor beauty and justice with the art of the hunt!” he proclaimed, twirling dramatically as he readied his bow.
What you didn’t anticipate was his strange fixation on a handkerchief before he left.
Throughout the day, noblewomen approached Rook, each one batting their lashes and holding out dainty, embroidered handkerchiefs. It was practically a parade of desperate peahens.
“Oh, Lord Hunt, a token for luck!” cooed one particularly persistent lady, pushing her frilly kerchief toward him.
Rook clasped his hands to his chest with exaggerated reverence. “Ah, mademoiselle, your thoughtfulness moves me beyond words, but alas, I cannot accept. To carry such a treasure into the wild would be to risk its loss, and I could never bear such tragedy!”
Another woman attempted to loop her kerchief around his wrist directly. Rook gracefully dodged, as though she were offering him a live snake. “My dear lady, your artistry is unparalleled, but the only adornment fit for this hunt is the pure, untainted spirit of nature herself!”
By the third rejection, you were practically biting your tongue to keep from laughing.
But then came the curveball.
“Ah,” Rook sighed as he approached you. “If only I had a handkerchief imbued with sincerity. A simple, honest token to guide my aim and steady my heart!”
You blinked at him. “What, like…this?” You pulled out your completely ordinary, unembellished handkerchief and held it out.
Rook’s eyes lit up as though you’d just handed him the Holy Grail. “Mon chevalier! How perfect! How divine! This humble square of cloth shall be my guiding light!”
Before you could protest, he tied it around his arm with a flourish and rode off, looking like he was ready to star in his own personal opera.
From his place in the pavilion, Vil Schoenheit took a slow, deliberate sip of his tea, his sharp eyes locking onto yours with a glint of pure amusement. The smirk tugging at his lips seemed to say, Oh, I know exactly what’s going on.
Meanwhile, Epel squinted between you and Rook, his expression shifting rapidly as though he’d just cracked the secret to immortality. He whispered something to Vil, who nearly choked on his tea before regaining his composure.
What the hell is going on? you thought, baffled.
Fast forward to now, the present, where the plan was supposed to culminate with Rook triumphantly presenting his prize to the villainess. Simple, elegant, strategic.
So why, why, was Rook standing in front of you holding a literal griffin?
“Uh, Rook,” you whispered through gritted teeth. “What are you doing? This is supposed to go to the villainess.”
But Rook was having none of it.
“Ah, my loyal chevalier,” he declared loudly, drawing the attention of every noble in the vicinity. “It is only fitting that such a prize goes to the one who inspires my steadfastness and resolve!”
Your jaw dropped. “Rook. No.”
He turned his radiant smile on you, looking like a proud schoolboy showing off a crayon drawing to his teacher. “Yes!”
The gathered nobles erupted into murmurs, and you could already feel the weight of every single judgmental stare. This was not part of the plan. But despite your internal screaming, a small, annoying part of you couldn’t help but feel…flattered. This was a duke, and you were just a knight. A very confused, very underqualified knight, sure, but still.
Vil, still seated with his ever-present cup of tea, took another long, pointed sip, his eyes glimmering with amusement.
This was the drama he’d signed up for.
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The hallway leading back to the room where Vil, Rook, and Epel were sitting felt oddly silent, the muffled voices of their conversation barely filtering through the door. You weren’t one to eavesdrop—but when you heard your name, well, curiosity got the better of you.
"Just confess already," Epel was saying, his tone exasperated. "We’ve all seen the way you look at them."
Vil chimed in, his voice tinged with amusement. "Epel is right for once, Rook. Love is about timing, and yours is abysmal."
"But love is an art, mon ami," Rook replied, his tone unusually hesitant. "It cannot be rushed. It must unfold naturally, like the petals of a flower in spring."
"Okay," Vil drawled, clearly unimpressed. "But what happens when someone else plucks your ‘flower’? Say, the gardener they’ve been spending so much time with?"
The silence that followed was deafening. You leaned closer, your heart pounding, hoping—no, needing—to hear Rook’s response.
Instead, you heard nothing.
The stillness stretched unbearably until you couldn’t take it anymore. You shoved the door open, startling all three occupants. "What are you talking about?"
Vil raised an eyebrow, the picture of nonchalance, though the corners of his mouth twitched with mischief. "Perfect timing, as always. I’ll leave you two to sort this out."
He grabbed a very reluctant Epel by the collar and dragged him toward the door. "Wait, I wanna see what happens!" Epel protested, but Vil shut the door behind them with a decisive click.
Which left you and Rook alone.
You crossed your arms, leveling him with a look that you hoped masked the frantic hammering of your heart. "So…what’s this about a confession?"
Rook’s usual composure faltered. For once, the poetic, perpetually self-assured Rook you knew looked…unsure. Vulnerable. His hands fidgeted with the hem of his gloves, and he avoided your gaze, staring instead at the floor.
"Rook," you said softly, stepping closer. "Please, just tell me what’s going on. I need to know."
He finally looked up, and the raw emotion in his eyes was enough to steal your breath.
"Mon chevalier," he began, his voice low and trembling, "I have loved you from the start. At first, it was the camaraderie of equals, a kindred spirit I admired. But when you returned from the heroine’s side, defying expectations and staying true to yourself…you captured my heart completely."
You blinked, stunned. "Rook, I—"
He continued, the words spilling out as though he’d been holding them back for far too long. "You never treated me like I was strange. You accepted me as I am, even when others mocked my passions or dismissed my eccentricities. I never truly needed a bodyguard. I just needed you. Near me. Always."
His voice broke slightly on the last word, and you felt your resolve crumble.
You sighed, but it wasn’t from exasperation. It was the sound of relief, of something clicking into place. "Next time," you said, stepping even closer, "just tell me your feelings directly. It’ll save us both a lot of trouble."
Before he could respond, you reached up and pulled him into a kiss.
It was everything a first kiss should be—long, searing, passionate. His arms wrapped around you instinctively, pulling you flush against him as though he never wanted to let go. You melted into him, your hands sliding up to tangle in his hair, and for a moment, the world outside that kiss ceased to exist.
When you finally broke apart, both of you were breathless. Rook’s lips quirked into a smile as he whispered, "Your lips are the sweetest arrow, mon amour, and they have pierced my heart beyond repair."
You burst into laughter, burying your face in the crook of his neck to muffle the sound. "Gods, Rook, only you could ruin a moment like this with something so cheesy."
He chuckled softly, his arms still secure around you.
And as you stood there in his embrace, you couldn’t help but think that this ridiculous, trashy novel world was the best thing that had ever happened to you.
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The parlor was warm with the golden light of afternoon sun filtering through the windows, but the atmosphere buzzed with anticipation. You stood near Rook, his arm casually draped across the back of your chair, as Vil and Epel looked at you expectantly.
“Well?” Vil prompted, raising a perfectly arched brow.
You glanced at Rook, who smiled encouragingly, as if to say, go ahead. Clearing your throat, you announced, “We’re…together.”
Vil sighed dramatically, setting down his teacup with a soft clink. “Finally. I was starting to think I’d have to intervene.”
Epel, on the other hand, froze mid-sip of his cider. Slowly, he set the glass down, stood, and walked over to you. His expression was a mix of grief and dread, like someone had just informed him of some terrible, life-altering news.
He placed both hands firmly on your shoulders and looked you dead in the eyes. “Good luck,” he said, solemn as a funeral bell. “This is a life sentence, y’know.”
Rook chuckled, clearly amused. “Mon cher Epel, you wound me! Surely being with moi is more of a treasure than a trial?”
Epel turned to him, unimpressed. “Treasure? You follow people for fun. You recite poetry to wild animals. You can’t even eat pie without analyzing its existential meaning. I mean, who does that?”
You were already laughing, shaking your head as you patted Epel’s hand reassuringly. “Don’t worry, Epel. This is a sentence I’m more than happy to serve.”
Vil smirked behind his tea, watching the scene unfold with obvious amusement. “Frankly, I’m just relieved we won’t have to endure any more of his tragic sighs every time you left a room.”
Rook clasped a hand to his heart in mock offense. “Oh, Vil! My sighs are poetry incarnate!”
Vil didn’t even blink. “Your sighs are the sound of unspoken melodrama. Spare me.”
Epel plopped back into his seat with a long groan, running a hand through his hair. “Anyway, I guess congratulations or whatever. At least now we can all stop pretending we don’t notice him staring at you like some love-struck puppy.”
“That’s rich,” you shot back, grinning. “You’re the one who looks like your pet rat just died every time we get close.”
Epel huffed. “I’m just saying! Now you gotta deal with him being even more poetic! And clingy! You thought the prince and heroine were bad? Wait till you see Rook when he’s in love. You’re doomed.”
At the mention of the prince and heroine, Vil made an exaggerated sound of disgust. “Speaking of those two… Honestly, has anyone ever been so painfully predictable? The prince has all the charm of wet cardboard, and the heroine—don’t even get me started on her hair ribbons.”
“Ah, the heroine,” Rook sighed wistfully, but there was a glint of mischief in his eyes. “Always so delightfully transparent. Her schemes are like open windows to her soul.”
You snorted. “If by soul, you mean her desperate attempts to turn everything into a sob story, then yeah, sure.”
Epel leaned forward, grinning. “Did you see her crying at the hunt competition? Like, girl, it’s a competition. What did you think would happen? That the griffin would apologize and hand itself over?”
Vil smirked, tapping a manicured finger against his chin. “Or how about the prince declaring his ‘eternal devotion’ to her at the banquet last week? I nearly choked on my wine.”
Rook chuckled, turning to you with a soft smile that was far more genuine than his usual theatrics. “Ah, but let us not waste all our words on such trivialities. This moment, mon amour, is one of joy.”
You leaned into him, your laughter subsiding into a contented smile. His arm slipped around your shoulders, holding you close as Vil and Epel continued their playful bickering in the background.
For the first time since you’d been thrown into this absurd world, you felt completely at ease. If this was the result of being trapped in a trash novel, then so be it. You were exactly where you wanted to be.
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Trash Novel Masterlist
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seattlesellie · 1 year ago
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Jealous. 🎀
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pairing: ellie williams x fem!reader
cw: mean dom!ellie sub!reader, jealous kinda toxic ellie, eating it through the panties, orgasm denial, spit play (literally spits down ur panties like), exhibitionism, some dude named michael.
an: pls be gentle, i haven’t written in a long time! 💗 credit to angel gbc for the mod used in the picture above <3
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something we can all agree on is the importance of aftercare — right?
Ellie is big on that obviously, as she should. Caressing her slim fingers down your body, planting wanton kisses on your shoulders, running her palms across your shaky thighs, whispering words of encouragement in your ear;
“Did so good for me, babe”
“I love you, so much”
“Need anything? hm?” She’d murmur against your skin whilst cradling your body from behind.
And she always insists on cleaning you up. She consistently renders you nothing but an achy mess, dried up juices staining your wobbly jelly thighs, combined sweat on your breasts and ribs, back of your neck. The ritual of bringing a wet towel to bed, swiping it’s fabric across your inner thighs, your face, your behind — is a sacred one for her. Not solely because she loves hearing your sweet, exhausted sighs of relief as she cleans the soil away, but also not solely because she gets to see your naked body in all of its glory again.
It’s the act of taking care of what’s hers. In a way, when she wipes your cum away, she’s taking care of herself — too.
Here, lays a solid proof that she can break things apart and put them back together again. She’s not a total fucking fuckup.
The ability of making you scream and cry, then moments later have you whisper in that saccharine voice of yours an airy “love you s’much, Els…”
It’s fucking exhilarating.
She loves it every time, she does it every time.
But today… today you pissed her off. You poked the bear, for real this time.
There’s this new Michael guy in Jackson. He’s handsome, tall, has coal black curls that somehow stay soft and shiny even in this apocalyptic hellscape. He told Ellie and you where he was from, what he did, why he came. Ellie didn’t listen to a thing he was saying. It was like he turned into a fly and started loudly buzzing in her ear. He kept looking at you weird. Smiling at you, smirking, laughing at your jokes, even the ones that weren’t all that funny. She knows you have this affect on people, that damn charm, hell — you have this affect on her.
And she’s usually just playfully jealous, manages to keep it relatively tame and simple by tightening her grip on your waist.
But you just wouldn’t stop bringing him up. “Michael” this, and “Michael” that, “Michael invited us for dinner”, “Michael said this funny thing earlier”,
For all Ellie knows Michael could die in a ditch and she wouldn’t give a fuck.
You're on your way back home from the Tipsy Bison on a chilly Thursday night. Jesse was there, Dina, Maria... and Michael. She thinks of his name and it leaves a bitter taste in her mouth, tart, pungent.
"Meh, I'm more of a Tequila girl, Whiskey tastes like shit" you announced with a giggle. Michael rested his hand on your thigh, and agreed with a nod and a chuckle. For you, it meant nothing.
For Ellie, it meant everything.
Her blood pressure was usually low, steady, healthy as a bull. As of now, Ellie felt like she just ran a marathon. The blood rushed to her head and her brows furrowed without intention. She cracks her neck and moves it left and right, takes a long and burning sip out of her Whiskey and shuts her eyes. She repeats a mantra in her head; "I'm not angry, I'm not angry, It's fine."
But you're so damn intuitive.
"Els? y'tired?" you murmur towards your auburnette girlfriend. She suckles on her bottom lip and considers saying no, but she lies.
"Exhausted"
You leave the humble bar hand in hand, wrapped up in her big coat that smells of mint and wood and Ellie. She prays you won't mention his name, prays you could just go home and forget about this whole thing, but you do, innocently.
"Oh, Michael said one of the horses is sick, I'm thinking of helping out in the barn tomorrow an—"
She stops you mid sentence with a scoff and a tightening grip on your hand. "Oh, mhm, Michael said that?"
Her voice mocks your own a little.
You stop and shift your gaze towards Ellie who has her lips tucked in a tight line. Internally, she's cussing herself out. You don't deserve her anger, but she can't help herself. Your answer is an unsure hum. Her grip tightens even more, and it hurts your palm but you keep on walking side by side, quietly. Five minutes manage to pass with no words being muttered by no one. That's until she shakes her head and lets go of a husky chuckle.
"Did I do something?", you mutter doe eyed. Ellie stops in her tracks and inhales. She grabs you by your waist and walks towards you, making you have to clumsily pace backwards until your back meets a cold grey brick wall with a resounding thud. "Uhg!" You hiccup, breath catching down your throat. You even sweetly giggle, thinking in your head that this could possibly be just a sweet attack of PDA.
But her eyes are dark, gone from emerald to pine, pupils pitch black as big as a button. Her warm whiskey breath meets your nose and your top lip, you gulp. Why isn't she laughing? teasing?
"El?" your voice is still candied, always. Ellies mouth is agape, scarred eyebrows scrunched and furrowed as if she's confused, or pissed, or provoked. Her forehead meets yours so automatically, you attempt to connect your lips with a kiss but she backs away meanly. Albeit her taunting position, how intimidating and truly scary she looks whilst you're caged within her frame, your'e still smiling, you're still thinking she's just teasing.
You're not used to this, she knows, but god knows she yearns to teach you a lesson.
You don't fuck with what's hers.
She licks her bottom lip before she starts speaking.
"Take off your skirt"
Her voice nearly renders you drunk, It's huskiness, gruffness, it's depth, and really, you've only had one shot. Your cheeks heat up and your ears feel as if they're nearly burning. Her lips are so damn close to yours and she still won't let you kiss her.
"Wh... we're in public, we can't—" you stutter, eyes shifting downwards towards the knee she has shoved near your barely covered crotch. When she brings it upwards just to brush delicately on your inner thigh, you let go of a small gasp.
She responds to your gasp with a barely audible "Mhm?", her eyes sharpening with intent.
"Yes we can", she tsk's, and her voice taunts. Her eyes graze over your face, and you expect her next sentence to bite like the last one did, but her voice goes softer. "For me?", she cocks her head to the side.
And it simply pushes you over the edge.
You peel your skirt off of your body, asscheeks plastered over the brick wall as her body squeezes you further back, and you're left half naked with a piece of fabric scrunched below your knees, resting on your shoes. She eyes your body up and down, meeting your pleading and still confused eyes — and for a moment, thinks of just carrying you home and taking care of business once you get there. No jealousy, none of that.
But it's still bitter down her throat, and she can still picture his disgusting hand meeting your soft thigh, her soft thigh — as your body is hers, so that thought is ever so fleeting. It's either now or now.
Her cold as ice finger traces faint circles on your lower tummy, making the fine hairs of your body rise like soldiers. You whimper quietly as her finger snaps the elastic band of your panties and lets it smack down your pelvis. You rub your thighs together, but you're ever so pliant as she makes your legs spread wide with a boot covered foot opening up your calves like a gate.
She whispers in your ear. "Are you wet?", it makes you shiver.
"M'cold" you whine.
She scoffs.
She kneads your bra cup with her palm, squeezing an erect nipple with her thumb and middle finger. "Didn't ask that"
Her eyes meet your gaze and again she reconsiders this whole thing — because you truly look so needy, and your lips are so pouty and sweet and red with cold, you look as if you'd die if she didn't kiss you right now so how can she even be worried, let alone be jealous?
She knows how much you love her, how much you yearn for nobody but her, how her touch leaves you speechless time and time again.
But it's like something takes over, a dark figure, a figure that's thirsty and starving and wants to prove a thing it already knows.
It's an internal struggle, she doesn't want to be possessive,
She can't help it.
Your panties are striped with pink and white, and she looks at them as if they're the most expensive lace in the whole entire world. Her breathing gets heavier as she curls her fingers inside the cotton fabric, pupils darkening when she notices a sweet clear string of your arousal clinging from the entrance of your cunt to the bottom of your underwear.
She chuckles, followed by a sigh of relief that you notice. You are wet, right in the middle of the street where an innocent soul could catch you at any given moment. "Didn't answer cause you're shy?" She knows you so well. You bite your lip and nod, butterflies fighting in the pits of your stomach. A chaste kiss on the lips is all you get from her, and you deeply whine into the air. "At least kiss me!" you beg, — god, you're so cute when you're pissed.
Before landing on her knees, Ellie looks from side to side in order to check that there's truly nobody around, and no — not because she's scared to get caught, but because she'd die before she let someone see her girlfriend half naked with her skirt down her thighs.
Ellie is face to face with your quivering, pantie covered cunt. A wet patch greets her — a fuckin' pleasure, one she can't help but swipe her tongue across. Your choked up, terrified sound of a moan is a symphony to her hears, fuck Mozart. Her eager muscle of a tongue is so warm against your pussy you nearly forget it started snowing yesterday.
You buck your hips inwards, she groans. "No moving", she warns — simply to assert a dominance that has already been asserted. She kisses your little clit, coo's at the way it slightly pokes out of the fabric, erect and pumping on her tongue. "Ellie... Ellie... Ellie", you babble like a prayer, which she nods to. "S'my name, that's fuckin' right", she groans as her husky voice is muffled by your soaked panties.
"Ellie..." you repeat, thighs beginning to ache as you try and spread them further apart, almost sitting on her face.
Ellie, not Michael.
She smiles, greedy, triumphant.
She flicks her tongue on your clit, once, twice, three times before biting on your meaty pussy lips. You bite your knuckles in order to keep your voice down, but she glares up at you. "Do that again n'I swear to god I'm stopping" she growls.
You're not used to this side of her at all, but her voice makes your hole leak a small stream from deep inside. She feels it's wetness on her tongue, eyes closing in ecstasy as she audibly suckles your sweet, tangy, heavenly juices from the now sheer fabric. Her own spit runs down her chin, she doesn't even bother to wipe it off. All you can hear are your breathy, whiney moans, tiny begs of "take 'em off, please", regarding your panties, and Ellie's throaty groans. You're so wet from your own juices and her saliva it nearly gets uncomfortable, but then again you're so goddamn close to cumming.
You try taking matters to your own hands, attempting to peel off your panties from your waist with a shaky hand but she snarls and slaps your wrist away.
"Nuh uh, pussy's fuckin' mine, don't touch it"
With relentless sucking on your drenched clit, and soiled panties, she opens her eyes to merely glare at you again with a warning look. "When you're close, you let me know" she bites.
You don't respond.
A stinging slap meets your pussy, which makes your thighs shake, whole body jolt, and throat ache with a high pitched yelp.
"You're not listening" Ellie warns.
"You listen when I talk" she warns again. Her tongue meets your clit and it pushes it further and further up. You shake, eyesight gone blurry, you're close, you know it by the way the coil down your stomach threatens to snap, and by the way it tickles down there so damn bad.
"M'close" you brokenly wail.
She grunts deeply and stops completely. your heart nearly breaks, no no no no no. "Ellie, Ellie, Els, no!" You try and buck your hips forward but she holds you in place with an iron like grip. You buck them again and she peels off the fabric of your underwear, slightly rising up as she stares inside at the mess she made of you. There's a devilish smirk that creeps up from her lips, apple of one cheek rising. You let out a sigh of relief, thinking that perhaps she'll actually fucking eat you out properly instead of letting you suffer inside a warm, wet material of a mess that truly doesn't look like something wearable anymore. Instead, she audibly spits inside with a "Ptu'", letting the band snap shut. Her saliva mixes with your warm sleek. You're so confused she nearly feels bad, but she's such a cunt that she really doesn't.
"Were going back inside," she murmurs so casually as if she didn't just fuck you up in the middle of the street, as if her chin isn't shiny with your precum. "N'if Michael puts his hand on you again, I'm eating it in front of him"
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sunlight-shunlight · 4 days ago
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yeah!! the first blight is crazy bc it lasted literal lifetimes... like everyone living through that must've truly thought it was the end of the world. and somehow they survived, which indicates how extremely powerful tevinter was to maintain some kind of control.
my assumption is that they were doing some huge blood magic to forcibly de-blight arable land and force crops to grow and keep the whole place from plunging into famines? it would make sense given that merrill can remove blight from the eluvian as just a single mage without much access to resources. i think the full hubris mode magisters with access to large amounts of blood (rip) would be capable of more... and given how long the blight lasted and how chaotic it was, it's also quite plausible that a lot of those techniques got lost when places got overrun and the practitioners killed.
my secondary thought is: pretty dark, but i think it was mentioned that tevinters thought that elves had "better" blood for blood magic? and the first blight was way closer to the time when arlathan fell. so if they had a stash of immortal uthenera elves lying around somewhere, they might have been just... going through them like blood magic batteries to stave off the blight. which would also explain why tevinter is no longer capable of that type of firepower, bc they ran low on them. and they probably didn't want to publicly say "lol our mighty empire is actually based on the literal comatose bodies of the people that we see as a lesser race :)" because that's embarrassing.
one thing about ancient arlathan i wish vg had gotten into (along with any other interesting details besides being vaguely desaturated haha) is that: the ecology should've been pretty crazy? i think it's hinted that spiders get really big in places where the veil is thin. and with all the ambient magic before the veil existed, surely there'd be tons of cool megafauna?? plus ghilan'nain was going ham with bioengineering stuff, there should be all kinds of things running around.
plus modern thedas has survived multiple rounds of blight, which would logically kill off tons of species and lead to a lot of places being turned completely barren... what would it have been like before that? it would add an interesting element to solas' nostalgia if the world is quite literally different in that way.
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