#and we both knew we were pretty much identical even in the very specific way we both felt so lonely in our experiences

[psalmsofpsychosis]

lmao

[from-the-coffee-shop-in-edoras]

I wonder if there was ever a significant conflict between Eomer and Lothiriel, and Eowyn and Faramir, in regards to their differences in culture. If there were, I'd reckon between Lothiriel and Eomer they'd be early on, whereas with Eowyn and Faramir they'd take longer to emerge. I read a theory that Eowyn would actually quite like Faramir considering her "not like other Rohirrim", after all she endured in Rohan, and with her desire to be special, but as she grows more confident in herself and regains pride in her land, stuff that perhaps she didn't notice before or felt flattered by begins to bother her. I'd imagine it must also flare up for both when it comes to raising the kids, and in lawful rulings where Gondor and Rohan justice differs.

So I am OBSESSED with this whole line of thought! It hits on a couple of things that have always stood out to me about Farawyn — things that I notice every time I read the text and are always kind of floating around at the edges of my thoughts when I contemplate them, but that I’ve never really contextualized or merged into a broader theory/HC. Those two things are:

1. Faramir is the one in the book to give voice to the belief that the Rohirrim are “middle men” and that Gondor, in the process of declining, is becoming more and more like Rohan. He never explicitly and fully disclaims this belief and, thus, potentially still believes it to be true even after he marries Éowyn (even if we assume he doesn’t think of HER that way).

2. When Éowyn first sees Faramir, we’re told that she “knew, for she was bred among men of war, that here was one whom no Rider of the Mark would outmatch in battle.” So her very first reaction to this total stranger, before he really says or does anything, is to elevate him above every single man her homeland has ever produced. That’s pretty huge, given that the Rohirrim have legendary warriors in their ranks and think of themselves explicitly as “men of war” whereas Faramir isn’t even the strongest warrior in Gondor and specifically does not like to think of himself as a warrior at all. To me, this dismissal of the Rohirrim gives off just as much bitterness toward Rohan as it does respect for Faramir, someone she doesn’t know and doesn’t know anything about yet.

So, consistent with the theory you referenced, both sides of their relationship start off in a Rohan-critical place (that’s not a judgment on Éowyn — she would be justified in feeling embittered toward Rohan given some of her experiences there — though I do judge Faramir for it, sorry Faramir fans! I still like him anyway!). I can definitely see her, in this frame of mind, liking the fact that Faramir thinks she’s different/better than other Rohirrim.

But somewhere in my subconscious, that’s always rankled for me because I have also always believed that Éowyn is intensely proud of Rohan. She has always read to me as someone who would get into a bar fight with anyone who disrespected her country. The way she talks about being a shieldmaiden just drips with pride and defiance, and that’s core to her identity as a Rohirrim. It’s deep in her heart. So would she really go the whole rest of her life holding onto all that anger (especially because we have reason to believe that the things she was most unhappy with in Rohan were changed after the war — Éomer’s reaction to Gandalf telling him why Éowyn was unhappy seems to indicate that he Gets It now, he doesn’t seek to interfere at all with her making the decision to marry Faramir, and Gríma is dead)? Would she still be so dismissive of Rohan or tolerate anyone else who had those views?

I don’t think she would. And if her views evolve and Faramir’s don’t, then there is some kind of conflict coming. That’s not to say that I think their marriage would be unhappy or that this would split them apart, but they have to reckon with it at some point, right? @emmanuellececchi has written a fic where it’s clear they’ve had this conversation and successfully addressed it — Éowyn kind of jokingly holds it over his head that he ever thought that stuff, and he obviously doesn’t think that way anymore— and I absolutely LOVED it. But I think it would also be fascinating to look at it from an intense and dramatic angle by showing her perspective start to change over time and then giving us a front row seat to watch those initial, potentially ugly conversations about it.

I don’t know if whoever wrote the theory you saw ever made a story out of it. If they didn’t, then someone should, and nobody writes intense, emotionally fraught Éowyn like you, my friend! So if this is a line of thought that you’d ever consider following into a fic, I could simply not be more thrilled and would BEG you to tag me in it.

[wen-kexing-apologist]

Mommy Dearest

Moonlight Chicken, Ep. 7 is all about parent/child relationships. And I for one could not be more grateful to P'Aof and the other writers, cast, and crew involved in highlighting that. As I've gotten older my appreciation for slice of life style stories has continued to grow, and I think that stems from finding comfort and catharsis in seeing other people portray my reality. Especially when it is treated with empathy and understanding.

Which is why I was so happy to see Li Ming's interactions with his mother this episode. Cause the second they meet face to face, I knew I would be relating hard to Li Ming's feelings towards his mother.

It is vitally, vitally important to me that Jam is introduced in this way. That she is always being shown throughout this entire episode to be kind. She is nice, she is expressing interest in her son, she is cooking for him, she is asking him to come home. Even when she is expressing her thoughts on Li Ming being gay to Jim, ones that are harmful, she is not doing so maliciously. She is allowed to be seen as not inherently evil, and Li Ming is still allowed to feel no love for her.

And this is very important to me specifically because it the way she engages with Li Ming is nearly identical to the way my father is currently trying to engage with me. He's started calling me more, started asking me more questions about my life, started inviting me over for dinner when I'm in town. And the reason why I'm so invested in this scene is because, I recognize the deadness in Li Ming's eyes, we know from later on in the episode that Li Ming isn't sure that he loves his mother, and as a result we have a colder, more stand-offish, and unusually quiet Li Ming. He is not capable of engaging with his mother in a loving way, and it radiates out of him. Before we've had more than ten seconds of a conversation between them, we can already tell that Li Ming is incapable of buying in to her pleasantries.

Even worse for Li Ming, this is a surprise. He did not know she was coming, and now she is here, giving him no time to emotionally or mentally prepare to interact with her.

And this statement speaks volumes to me, probably does to Li Ming too. She didn't come here to see Li Ming, she didn't come here because she missed Li Ming, she came here because her boyfriend was coming here, she just happened to be in town. It's understandable if the expense to travel is a burden, but we know pretty soon after she says this line that she is currently living comfortably.

Crucially, Jam doesn't say this to be cruel, she is not trying to hurt Li Ming. She's just telling him information, but if my father said this to me after an extended time apart, I know I certainly would be thinking of course. of course you only come when it's convenient for you.

Love this line. Because it establishes a fact. Li Ming and Jam do not talk to each other. Li Ming has no idea who Uncle Tong is in relation to his mother.

Li Ming's entire character centers around connection and disconnection. And if his body language wasn't a neon sign in and of itself to the disconnect he has between himself and his mother, everything she has said and continues to say puts further distance between them. "That uncle who took you fishing when you were small," when you were small. She hasn't seen Li Ming in years, she has no idea who he is as a person now, no idea what memories he's made since living in Pattaya. Li Ming is her child, so he will always be a child, and his current likes and interests and memories must surely still be tied to his childhood. Because she only knows Li Ming has he was, before she lost left him

Ok, I know I say this every time, but Fourth is such a good actor, there is so much more darkness and anger in Li Ming than in Gun and I always have to remind myself he's playing both characters. And right here, I want to ask Fourth what Li Ming is feeling. Is he lying or is he telling the truth? Is he scared of what is coming next? He knows what will happen, he knows what is coming. Does he lie about not remembering P'Tong to try to drive the knife in a little? Or does he genuinely not remember and it's a good indication that Jam will have to work very very hard to brighten up the relationship between her and her son?

We love the incredibly human characters that are in this show. Li Ming's mother does actually care about her son's opinion here. She wants him to know that she is thinking of marrying P'Tong. I do genuinely believe that, that she is seeking permission here from Li Ming, regardless of whether P'Tong was the one who suggested it or not.

Zero tolerance for bullshit.

I know Li Ming as a character is very willing and able to call out the injustices he sees, anywhere, anytime, with anyone in any position of power. But God, (sorry this is getting too personal) it feels so satisfying some times to deliver a cut like this to a parent.

Li Ming is still not buying in to it, so Jam is being more intentional about what she is feeling. Jam wants Li Ming's opinion, or...she wants Li Ming to absolve her of some of her guilt and her hesitations and her worries.

ZERO! TOLERANCE! FOR! BULLSHIT!

God. His face in this whole scene is great, so detached from everything, he is giving her as few emotions as possible. It's cold, it's distant, his physicality bears the emotional distance between them. It is so so different from his confrontations with Jim. Someone he is also very clearly willing and able to talk back to. To get punchy with.

When Li Ming is mad at Jim he gets close, as close to him as possible, right up in to his face.

When Jim gives him a command "don't raise your voice at me," "I said stop." it does take a few attempts but Li Ming does listen. Does calm down. Does apologize. And even after his uncle has constantly, sometimes unintentionally, and sometimes for safety, over-stepped Li Ming's boundaries and autonomy, Li Ming still often checks in with Jim. In the confrontation with Heart's parents when Heart runs upstairs, Li Ming looks to Jim (in my mind seeking permission) before he runs up after him.

But crucially, Li Ming trusts Jim, Li Ming loves Jim, Li Ming knows Jim cares about him and as a result, he gives Jim his whole self. He calms himself down when Jim tells him he's crossed the line, he goes to Jim's birthday party, he apologizes to Jim. He tells Jim what is bothering him, and while that often ends in an argument, Li Ming is fully willing to be honest with him.

"If you want me to say it's okay, just say it,"

Jam does not get the same honesty. Whatever he can do to just finish this conversation sooner, he will do. Whatever Jam wants him to say so she can feel better and he can get more distance between them, he will say.

Oh. I can see how easy it would be for Li Ming to fully believe it was P'Tong who actually decided to consider Li Ming's feelings. Not hers.

Straight to the point. Just say what you mean, just tell me what you want, stop dragging this conversation out.

He looks...absolutely the same. No emotion. Closed off. There is no excitement, no hope, no joy. This is not good news to him. This does not change anything between them. This does not make him love his mother more, or make him feel more loved by his mother in return.

"My life is more comfortable now, you know? You're about to graduate from high school. Maybe we can be together again." Now, we all know that Li Ming is not interested in going to college, he wants to leave, to do work and travel. But his mother doesn't know that, we'll get to the sentence immediately following this one in a second but I just...I can't help thinking about whether or not Li Ming would even live at home if he did go to college. How much parenting would she really have to do. How much of a time commitment would she really be putting in?

We know Li Ming has desperately been seeking freedom and understanding. He has found understanding by way of Heart. But the freedom from poverty? He now has that if he goes to live with his Mom. She's living a comfortable life. But he doesn't want it. Because fundamentally, more than anything else, Li Ming wants freedom to make his own choices.

And see, here is the thing. "IF YOU WANT to continue your studies," she's giving him a choice here...technically. But Jim and Li Ming have had this conversation already. Jim and Li Ming have already had this fight. Going back with his mother would not solve any of his problems, and in fact creates more because it separates him from the community he has here.

"Why do you all decide for me? Nobody bothers to ask me first."

Now, in the first place we know there is no way in Hell Li Ming is going back with his mother. There is not a second in this entire interaction that Li Ming even entertains the idea. He does not love his mother, he does not want to live with his mother, his mother has no clue who he even is as a person at this point.

And in the second place, he would be facing the same exact problem he has right now. People aren't asking him what he wants. They aren't treating him like an adult. And yes, as you get older, you realize that people were doing their best, and as you get older you realize that it's difficult to successfully balance when you need to protect or guide young adults and when you need to let them make their own decisions. In the conversation Li Ming has with Jim at the end of Episode 5 after they return home. Jim asks "What if something more serious occurs to [Heart]?" and Li Ming replies with "I never think it would happen," and that is what Jim is trying to shield Li Ming from. And all Li Ming is asking for is to be allowed to learn from those moments.

Okay, tangent over, back to Li Ming and Jam. Where we have seen Li Ming be cold, near dissociative, and definitely detached through most of the conversation with his mother. But this, the lack of autonomy he is constantly facing by his family, is Li Ming's biggest sore spot. And he has been bravely trudging along through a conversation he does not want to be in, where he is being met with just so much kindness that lacks so much understanding of him, that he is ready to be done.

But this is not the reaction his mother is expecting of Li Ming, again, because she hasn't been here for this. We have. Jim has. We know that this is a sore spot, and we know that Li Ming has already been in a very emotionally charged argument about this with his uncle before, and I doubt he really wants to do it again.

"Isn't it good to have options?" because she is confused. Because she doesn't know that Li Ming has chosen his option already. That his choice is to leave. And this question is double edged, though I don't think Jam realizes it. Isn't is good to have options? To have college as a back up if you decide you want to go. To have me as a backup if you are tired of living with Uncle Jim. If you are tired of living here in poverty, in a community that accepts you, in a place where you have friends and you have love and you have connection. You can come back with me to live in a comfortable home, with a man that I don't really want to marry but will anyway, away from all your friends, away from the man that raised you, away from your community.

No wonder Li Ming hits her back immediately with "What do you want me to be happy about first?"

The face of a man who is very much not happy about any of this. "About your breakup with Uncle Sith, about your new boyfriend, or about you being well-off and having a comfortable life, and wanting to take me back with you?"

If anyone can remind me of the timeline with Beam, I would really love to know, because I want to know if Li Ming knew Beam, if Li Ming met Beam. How many people has he lost? How often is his mother breaking up with people? How out of the loop does Li Ming feel?

Babes, you didn't come here for Li Ming at all. The list of reasons you gave for coming to Pattaya, in order:

"P'Tong was in town running errands"

"P'Tong wanted me to ask you if it was okay if he married me,"

"I want to be with you,"

The reason you actually came to Pattaya:

Jim called and asked for a title, and you want to use it to get him to try to help you get your son to move back with you.

The face of a man who is absolutely done compromising his own feelings for his mother's.

And God, okay it is time to talk about Li Ming and eye contact. Because we know he is so so capable of keeping eye contact. When he fights with Jim his eyes are always always right on him. When he's with Heart, he's making as much eye contact as possible.

When he is with Jam, it is completely reversed, he makes eye contact with his mother as little as possible. Physically turning himself away from her at the end here. And she tries to be physically affectionate with him, to show her love for him, but Li Ming does not love his mother, and so he just sits there unable to reciprocate.

Lmao, me when my Dad tries to hug me.

Okay, so I started this whole thing by saying that I was incredibly grateful to this show for making Li Ming's mother kind, and for allowing Li Ming to treat her this way anyway, and for that to be okay. Warning, personal story ahead...when I was sixteen, in a fit of anger, my father said he could live perfectly happily without me, and it did irreparable harm to our already extremely tenuous relationship. The thing that even made me tolerate him was going to college and getting thousands of miles between us. And by the end of college our relationship broke down further, and then even distance couldn't save it. But, my father is incredibly charming and charismatic to the outside world. I do not love my father. And that is something I have never said out loud. Because I feel guilty about it. But, I do not love my father, and unfortunately, that's clear to anyone that sees us interact. Because I am Li Ming in my own situation. I am detached, emotionless, giving the shortest possible replies with no extra information. When my father ends his phone calls with "I love you" I do not say it back, because I can't and because I don't believe him. When my father hugs me, I do not hug him back. When my father invites me to dinner, and his girlfriend is there, I can't shake the feeling that it was her who suggested we all get together in the first place. Or if it wasn't, that he's just trying to show himself off as a good father to impress her.

And from the outside looking in, to strangers who do not know the history that has come between us, the history that has gotten us to that point, I look like the asshole. And it is something that I am painfully aware of. So this scene means a lot to me, because I have not seen this type of relationship between a parent and a child in any media before. Either the parents are great, or the parents are abusive, or the parents have been cut off because they are asking too much of their kids. I haven't seen my relationship to my parent accurately represented, and humanely represented. I do not think that Li Ming is being unfair here, I do not think that he is being cruel. And that brings me such relief.

[daydreamgoddess14]

Everything More Than Anything pt. 1

Sydney Adamu x Carmy Berzatto, R rated in future chapters.

Syd works out what she needs to do to get those stars she's dreaming of. Carmy works out what he needs to do to support her.

Full Masterlist

Sydcarmy Masterlist

Chapter 1

In case there’s ever any doubt, knocking on your boss/partner’s door at 3am is never a good idea. Especially when you didn’t actually say goodbye until way past midnight. And he drove you home, and you’ve since undone that goodwill by getting up and walking to his apartment in the middle of the night… Syd considered. Sure, she had pepper spray and a swiss army knife, but she knew this would make him mad as hell. Still, she didn’t care. It wasn’t just a spur of the moment decision either. She’d undertaken specific, strategic research… and then she’d also tossed and turned for the best part of three hours until it became crystal clear what she needed to do, and she didn’t want to wait til 7am to have to tell him.

She’d taken food to Marcus. Trying to make amends, bury a hatchet, get back into his good books… whatever it was, she did it via the route she knew best. Through food. She’d taken the most gorgeous tagine over, warmed it for him, and sat while he ate. Still stilted, their conversation didn’t flow as naturally as it usually did. Their silences stretched out into awkwardness rather than comfort. She was almost relieved when he went to check on his mom, leaving her alone in the kitchen and nursing a mountain of couscous. His phone on the counter had rumbled across the surface with a call. LUCA, the screen flashed. She answered it almost on autopilot, “Hey man, how you doin’?” The figure on the phone wasn’t looking to the camera but at what looked like a tray of perfectly identical pastry cases. He did a double take at the sound of her voice.

“Uhhh hi. Marcus is just out of the room, he’ll be back in a sec?”

“You must be Sydney?” He grinned, she could have cursed, another pretty blond boy and their… eyes. Excellent.

“I am, Luca? Nice to meet you, kinda.”

“You too. Kinda. Have you been looking after my good friend Marcus?”

“Well. I’m trying,” his frown matched hers,

“Everything ok?”

“Long story. I’m sure you’ll hear his side of it.” “I already have.”

“Ahh,” 

“He’ll be ok.” He assured her. She suddenly felt a desperate need to change the subject, 

“So you knew baby Carmy, huh?”

“Yeah, we were just scruffy kids. I was scruffier.”

“I find that very hard to believe.” She replied with an arched eyebrow,

“S’true. And I got more deranged the harder I tried to keep up with him.” He laughed. Something fired in Syd’s brain,

“Say more?”

“I was telling Marcus when he was here. I thought I was the shit, y’know? The golden balls. Then, I had a few days trying to keep up with Carmen, and I was in pieces. Spent the rest of my time watching, learning… trying to keep up with him. It made me a good chef, and I got a really good mate out of it as well. Eventually, anyway. Once we’d stopped trying to kill each other.”

“You didn’t get better than him?”

“Nooo, god no. Not better than him. No one is better than him. Except maybe you, from what I’ve heard.” 

“Heard from who?” She asked curiously.

“Marcus, Terry… the man himself.”

“Now I know that’s a lie, he doesn’t answer his phone.” She cackled.

“He does to a select few. The important people in his life.” She thought back to the last few times she’d called Carmy since he’d emerged from the walk-in. Just stupid ‘what about this?’ kind of calls. He’d picked up before the first ring had even completed every time, answered every text. “We all talk, you know? Not all that often, but we keep up. It’s one thing we’ve never lost from our time with Terry. It’s like she honed in on the fact that we both had shit relationships with our parents and made sure we had her instead.”

“She sounds nice. I was really fucking jealous when Richie got to stage for her.”

“Nah, you should catch her for a cuppa - it’s much more fun. No milk, no sugar.” He advised. “So, I also know through the grapevine that you’re chasing stars?” Syd rolled her eyes, making a mental note to kill Marcus. Or Carmy. One of them, at least. 

“He’s such a little gossip!” She grumbled, “I just think it would be nice.”

“It would, you should go for it. And from what I’ve heard, The Bear is capable of getting them. I’m looking forward to a visit - there’s only so many times I can listen to how good you are. Plus it’s been a long time since Carm cooked for me.” Marcus came back through and took in Syd on the phone to Luca,

“Well, you’ll be welcome anytime. Marcus is here, I’ll let you off the hook now. It was good to meet you.”

“You too. Good luck with the stars.” She handed the phone over to Marcus and went back to her couscous, her mind ticking over.

~~~~~

The conversation with Luca had set things in motion in her brain. Three days later, she found herself loitering outside Ever on her way to work. Every day for a week she took the same route until she saw a figure emerge.

“Excuse me?”

“We don’t have any job openings. Check the website.”

“I’m not here for a job. My… friend, Richie, did a week here a few weeks ago? And my business partner, Carmen, knows Chef Terry and -”

“You’re Sydney?” Her jaw dropped,

“Uhh… yeah? I mean, yes, I didn’t mean that as a question,” she stammered, “that is me, I am her.”

“Richie talked about you a lot, and of course I know of Carmen. I’m Garrett.” The young man held out his hand and shook hers. “You coming in? I take it you’re here to see Chef Terry?” He asked, holding the door open on his way back inside. Though taken aback, Syd didn’t hesitate in following him. He gave her a whistle stop tour of the restaurant and kitchens before leaving her with Jess briefly.

“How’s Richie?”

“He’s good. Really good, actually.” “We miss him. Tell him I said hi?”

“Of course. You guys should come for dinner?” Syd invited,

“Oh god, absolutely. Garrett, Syd said we should go to The Bear.”

“We definitely should. Terry can’t see you today, she said she’s sorry, but she’s got a free hour tomorrow morning if you wanted to help her prep?” 

“Yes. Of course, I’ll be here. 6am?”

“Perfect. I’ll meet you outside.” She gave Jess a small wave and continued on to The Bear to start her day. The conversation with Luca and the quick preview of Ever buzzing in her mind, she felt like a bundle of nerves all day.

“Cariño, you good?” Tina asked as Syd’s knife narrowly missed her finger on its way to the onion she was making a poor attempt at chopping.

“Yeah, T. I’m fine.”

“Boy trouble?” She could feel Carmy, Richie and Ebra all raise their eyes as inconspicuously as possible. Thank fuck Marcus was at an appointment with his mother and Fak was under the pot wash sink.

“Fuck no. No time for that, mama.” She smiled down at Tina who was glaring at Ebra.

“Baby, you should make time for that. You’re like… buzzing. You should get laid.”

“Maybe she should keep buzzin’ an’ that’s the answer!” Richie called over,

“Ay, mind your business Richard! I ain’t talking to you right now, I’m trying to make sure this lady is getting what she needs.” Tina pointed at Richie with her knife.

“I’m just sayin’! She don't need a man, right Syd? Just some decent batteries.”

“Richie, shut the fuck up please. Tina, can we not be having this conversation right now?”

“Hey, it’s all good - you have needs, we all have needs. Might help you relax a little, y’know what I’m sayin’? You're very on edge.” Tina clicked her tongue between her teeth with a wicked grin. Syd scooped up her onions and dumped them into the empty container. 

“Behind.” She stuck her tongue out childishly at Tina and moved around her to the walk-in. With the onions on a shelf, she brought her hands up to her flushed cheeks. Eternally grateful her blushes weren’t broadcast to the world, only she could feel how hot her face felt. She fanned herself with her hand and took a minute.

“Behind, Chef.” Carmy stepped into the chiller with a container of mushrooms. “You ok?”

“Yeah, fine. Good to know there’s no escape from the probing mother figure. Poor Louis.” She grimaced at the thought of Tina’s teenage son trying to hide his sex life from her.

“She’s just looking out for you.” 

“I mean, I’m pretty sure then that she wouldn’t be encouraging… the things that she’s encouraging. But whatever. Either way, I still have no time.” Syd mused before realizing that they were still on Tina’s topic of conversation. “Thank fuck no one knows when I’m blushing.” She muttered, hand on the door to leave,

“I do.”

“Sorry?”

“I can tell when you’re embarrassed. You uhh become very interested in your shoes, and you pull your collar.” He explained, reaching out to put her jacket collar back into place. Her hands were fighting to stay away from it. True to form though, her shoes became very interesting indeed. 

“Didn’t know you were some kind of fuckin’ body language expert,” she huffed a laugh and left him in the walk-in.

~~~~~

The following morning, Syd waited outside with three takeout cups. As Garrett pushed the door, she handed him one.

“Coffee, to thank you for this.” “Nothing to thank me for. Come with me.” He raised the cup in salute and guided her down the previous day's familiar corridors.

“Sydney Adamu. I’ve been looking forward to meeting you.” A cheerful voice said as she rounded the corner. Garrett had disappeared already.

“Chef Terry, it’s… it’s an honor to meet you.” Syd put the takeout cups down and held out her hand, only to be pulled into a warm hug.

“You too, darling. Grab a sprig, we’re doing rosemary and basil.” She pointed to the bench where there was already a space out for Syd. 

“Thank you. I got you tea - no milk, no sugar.”

“Then it’s perfect. And very kind of you, thank you.” Syd picked up a bunch of rosemary and set about plucking the tiny leaves from the stalks. “I don’t pull them or drag them, I want the leaf to remain perfect.” Terry explained to Syd. “So tell me, how’s my boy doing?”

“Carmy? Well, I don’t know what your baseline is -”

“He was working for me shortly after his mother drove a car into their dining room.”

“Oh,” Syd realized she didn’t know that story, that there was so much she didn’t know. “Pretty low then?” “Pretty low,” Terry smiled.

“He managed to get locked in our walk-in on our soft open night a few weeks ago.”

“An interesting ploy to get out of appearing in front of the diners.” She chuckled. “Hmm. Broke up with his girlfriend while he was in there.”

“Ouch.”

“And since then, touch wood,” Syd brought a hand to her head like her mother had used to do, “he’s been better, I think? Calmer, more present. Like he’s really trying.”

“There’s a very big difference between the way he used to work in New York to the way I know he wants to work.”

“Yeah, we both don’t want that toxic, shouty,”

“Aggressive, demeaning,”

“All of that - we don’t want that, like, at all.” Syd emphasized, “sometimes it feels impossible, but we’re trying.”

“He’s told me about all of you, you know? How much he cares for you all and believes in you.”

“I think he needs to understand how much we want that for him too?” Syd paused with a sprig of Rosemary in her hand. Terry did the same with her knife hovering over a bunch of basil. “I swear he thinks he’s still alone, and he’s trying to keep all the plates spinning and… it’s a lot.”

“I agree.” She said finally. “It’s hard to convince someone they deserve to be loved or that they're not alone.” She said ruefully. “Is that why you’re here?”

“No. Yes? I’m not really sure. Luca suggested I meet you.” Syd shrugged,

“Ahh, my other brilliant young man. That reminds me, I need to call him.”

“He’d heard that I want us to go for stars at The Bear.”

“Well, I can’t advise you on how to get them, exactly.”

“Oh, I wouldn’t expect you to.” Syd assured her, “I guess I want to understand Carmy better? We seem to have this… unspoken language, and I want to build on it, and there’s so much I want to learn from him, but also I want him to learn as well? Sometimes, I feel like I should try and be more patient with him, but then he does stupid stuff that makes me want to kill him.”

“Oh I know that feeling all too well! The best thing you can do is to make your relationship airtight. The stars we earned here were earned together because we listened to each other and learned from each other.” Syd nodded in agreement,

“Exactly. He kept telling me the stars were bullshit, we didn’t need them, and why would I want them. Like I’m the only one who wants them.”

“There’s nothing wrong with ambition, Sydney. In fact, it suits you beautifully.” Syd smiled, bashful under Terry’s praise.

“I want them for both of us. I kind of want them so that I can use them to beat Carmy with for the rest of our lives to say, I dunno, ‘look what we can achieve when we believe in each other’? Because I do, I believe in him.” She said earnestly.

“I can tell.”

“He spoke to everyone I’d worked for in the past to understand why I wanted to work at the Beef.”

“Did he find the answer he was looking for?”

“I don’t know.”

“And what is the answer?”

“I wanted to work with him.” Terry smiled knowingly.

“Yes. He certainly has that effect.” She set down her knife and picked up her tea instead. “Keep doing what you’re doing, Sydney. He’s a total pain in the arse sometimes, but he’s worth the work.”

“Oh he is absolutely the biggest pain in my ass. Even more than Richie most of the time.” Terry laughed,

“You seem to have a good handle on them. Here, come and see this before I have to go,” she took Syd’s arm and led her down a walkway between the kitchen areas to a photograph on the wall of Carmy and Luca. “My lost boys. I am immensely proud of them.” She said fondly.

“He’s worth the work.” Syd said firmly, mostly to herself.

“He is. And so are you. I cannot wait to try your food. He tells me you’re the best he’s ever seen.” Syd scoffed,

“Oh, be serious right now.”

“I am, darling. I promise. He believes in you. I don’t think those stars are too far out of reach.” She patted Syd’s arm. “Now, I have to get back to work. Thank you for the tea. I hope you got what you needed from our time together?”

“I think I did, thank you, Chef Terry. Thank you for making time for me.”

“I would say anytime, but we both know that’s impossible in this profession. I’ll just say don’t be a stranger instead.”

“You too. He’d love to see you at The Bear, we both would.” As if by magic, Garrett appeared at the end of the corridor. Terry hugged Syd once more and disappeared around the corner. 

“Nice morning?”

“Why does it feel like I just met the Wizard of Oz? Or, like, Willy Wonka? How is she so cool and mysterious?” He smiled as he showed her out, 

“She’s Terry. She’s the best and she likes looking after the people she cares about. It was great to meet you, Syd. We’ll see you again soon.” He closed the door, leaving the building looking like an impenetrable fortress.

~~~~~

She rattled through another day at The Bear on edge, trying to decipher the things she’d learned over the course of the last couple of weeks. On the third attempt of placing a tiny flower onto a starter plate, she threw her tweezers with a groan of frustration.

"Ugggh, fuck me!"

“Breathe mija, breathe.” Tina set a hand on her arm. Syd nodded and stepped back while Tina gently dropped the flower into place. 

“Hands please.” Syd called out once the plate was completed, throwing a grateful look to her Sous.

“Try tellin’ me you don’t need an earth shakin’, mind blowing -”

“Tina, I beg you, do not finish that sentence.” Syd dragged her collar away from her neck, 

“Works wonders for your concentration.” The older woman wiggled her eyebrows.

“Please. Stop.” Syd hissed as Tina moved onto her next task. With a heavy sigh, she locked eyes with Carmy on the expo as he tried to hide a smile behind his hand. “Don’t you fucking start.” She warned.

And now here she was at 3am on Carmy’s doorstep. Another night owl had let her into the main building as they headed out for a run so she’d tiptoed up five flights of stairs and knocked loudly enough to wake him but not so loud it was disruptive to anyone else. The door flung open before she’d dropped her hand and he was pulling on a jacket,

“Woah, fuck -”

“Are you… are you going out? At 3am?”

“I was coming to see you. Wait, how’d you get here?” “Walked?”

“At 3am?” He pulled her into the apartment by her elbow. “Anything could have happened to you?”

“Why were you coming to see me?” She asked defiantly. “Why were you coming to see me?” He replied, avoiding the question completely.

“I need you,” she pleaded. His eyebrows shot up to his hairline,

“Is this… is this about what Tina was saying?” He asked quietly.

“What? No! Oh my god, Carmen! Is that why you think I’m here right now?”

“It’s 3am, Syd. It’s a pretty reasonable guess?”

“No, it is not a reasonable guess! There is… there is nothing reasonable about that guess!” Syd looked mortified.

“Well, look. Okay, thanks for that - thanks a lot -”

“Wait, I didn’t mean that it would be, like, horrible or anything! I didn’t say that, I’m sure it would be great…” She wrung her hands and sighed, trailing off into embarrassment. “Let me start over?” He nodded. 

“Good idea.”

“Hi, sorry to disturb you at 3am. I had an epiphany, and I needed your help.”

“I was up anyway. What can I do?”

"I know what I need to do for us to get those stars," she held her hands up as he started to protest, "I know, we don't need them, they're bullshit, blah blah blah."

"Blah blah blah?"

"I know what you're going to say, Carm. I know you think they're worthless"

"You know a lot, huh?" He said with a smile. 

"More than you give me credit for." She retorted. 

"Syd -"

"Carm. Please. I don't want it for me, I want it for us. I want it because we deserve it and we worked for it."

"What's your epiphany?"

"I need to care about everything, more than anything,” He arched an eyebrow,

“Well… yeah, I distinctly remember telling you that already?”

“I need to learn from you. Like, not just learn, I need to do what Luca did. Get better just by being near you." Both of his hands threaded through his hair and came to rest behind his head. She felt her stomach swoop. “I need to shadow you or something -”

"You are better. You don't need me, Syd."

"I do. I really do. I want you to help me make sure that we do this right. I get you've done the whole suffering for your art thing, but I want us and our team to thrive, not suffer." He fell quiet and watched her closely. "I don't want us to go through the same shit we went through before. We do this right and learn from each other and that is how we care about it more than anything else - by caring for everyone in it." He nodded. 

"Family style. A good, supportive family."

"Yes!” She beamed, “Yes, exactly.”

“OK.”

“And I'm gonna pretty much live in your pocket and you're gonna get so sick of me spending every fucking waking hour with you -"

"I said OK. And I won't get sick of you. Fuck, move in if that's what it takes." 

"Seriously?"

"We will do whatever it takes and we'll do it together. But I swear to god, Syd, while you're watching for fucking stars I'm gonna be watching you. Y'hear me? The second you're not eating or sleeping, I'm gonna be on your ass and we stop. And it takes as long as it takes. It’s not a goddamn race."

"Fine, yes. I'm in."

"It's not gonna be easy?" He warned. "Gets harder every year."

"Good. I know we can do it." He dropped his arms to his sides with a shrug. 

"Ok. Where'dya want to start?"

~~~~~

Phew! This is probably the longest I've gone without posting anything since the early summer! 😅 I couldn't hold off any longer. Fandom seems so quiet at the moment with shows finishing and others on a break... Just trying to keep us all busy and content until we have news!

Let me know what you think, would love so much to hear from you! 💜

[theslavish010]

⭑Liu Woods and DID⭑

Warnings: Sad conversation, kinda vent, talk about DID, fronting and alter, trauma, trauma response, headcannon;

Tags: DID system, alter, vent, disorder, comfort, creepypasta, credits of the art and gif: @greydrits, @cafekitsune ;

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ℋe was walking, tired, sad, lonely...

– Don't fool yourself, It was his fault. – Sully said. That "thing" Liu called it that way, didn't stop talking with him since that night, that fateful night where Liu lost his family, and his brother. It was always talking, always saying something, and sometimes, that "thing" controlled him, controlled his body, It was an identity, It was a person sharing a brain with him, and still they were in the same body.

– Please, i'm tired, I don't wanna talk right now... – Liu said in a melancholic way. He was on the woods, just walking with no specific destiny, when he finally stopped looking at the blank sky, closing his eyes for a moment.

– Y'know, If wasn't for him, we would be more happy

– He is my brother, our brother, Sully, and I love him

– I'm here because of that brother you love so much – Sully's phrase broked Liu for a moment, he wasn't lying, Sully just existed because of a trauma response, because of Jeff, Jeff was the trauma, and Liu's brain founded that way to take care of him, to make him alive, and now he was stuck with him, they were stuck together, and It wasn't like a family, It was lonely. Liu had an identity, Sully had other, they both shared some equal interests, but they fighted a lot because of their brother, Liu loved him, Sully hated him, and Liu had a lot of amnesia, he quickly forgot things, he dissociated, he had depersonalization, and It wasn't easy.

And the saddest part? He didn't knew how to find help, he didn't had nobody to help him, It was just him, and Sully.

The nice part? One of the things that calmed them down was their violin, a thing they both really loved, the sound of the violin, the song they could play, It was a wonderful experience. Liu smilled slightly thinking about the new songs that they learned on their violin, and started to walk again, now with a destiny, a beautiful destiny, Sully and Liu, Liu and Sully.

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Author's note: I had some DID symptons (I think It was because of my probably psychosis) these days ago and It was very lonely, I had nobody to talk about It, and today I thought about Liu and his DID that isn't very much talked about, I hope you guys have liked It! I hope you guys felt less lonely, know that you guys will alaways have someone with you, even if It's a voice on your head, don't hate on them, It was a way of your brain to try to help you to live.🤍🪽

And the little headcannon was about Liu playing violin, i'm pretty sure he loves It, Idk why, he looks like the type of guy to play violin to calm him down.

[cryoverlife]

So I made a brief post talking about Ruby and Julius Kane being bad parents and uh... here's the essay.

(quick side rant, omg this post is going to be long)

honestly I really should make a series about it, because after really thinking about it, the Kane Siblings have a severe lack of any good parental care in their life. This isn't exactly abnormal in the Riordanverse, but compared to the other series, which have minimal adult characters (that aren’t dead or immortal), the Kane Chronicles have many adult characters and many of the important ones were there to take care of Sadie and Carter.

Yeah that didn't work out.

I mean there's a lot of facets to the Kane siblings relationships with parental figures. From the... interesting and like definitely racist environment Sadie had to deal with while living with her grandparents to Carter's mental state and identity(?) while living with his dad. there is so much I could over analysis, and I'm not a fan of these books to sit around and reread all day so uh, I'm gonna over analysis all of it.

Eventually, but this post will be long even talking about the more aspect I want to talk about with out dragging the rest of the things I find interesting into it soooo.

When first reading the Kane Chronicles, Ruby and Julius actually seem like good parents. they certainly made mistakes but they do love their kids. and even now, I don't doubt they love their kids. It's just an incredibly interesting scenario where the parents, no matter how much they love their kids, are capable of putting the well being of the world first.

And that's the crux of the issue. Ruby and Julius are capable of being excellent parents, but in the situation they were in, they decide it was either the world or Carter and Sadie and they didn't hesitate to choose Carter and Sadie.

In fact, I'm pretty sure Bast said something very similar to this.

Anyway, I'm gonna start with Ruby and Julius's deaths. Personally, I think saying they abandoned Carter and Sadie isn't actually wrong here. I'm definitely not saying someone dying is abandoning the people they love, but it's the way Julius and Ruby both die and how both situations are almost planned.

Now there's not a lot of cannon conformation about Ruby's death, but I, personally, inferenced that Ruby and Julius predicted that it was a very likely scenario that freeing Bast would mean Ruby's death. Or at the very least they definitely knew the dangers of it.

Unlike Julius, Ruby didn't choose to die, but she did put herself in a situation where it was likely. Did she do it with the best intentions? sure. But I find the whole "we had no other choice" thing dumb. Diviner doesn't seem like an incredibly reliable source of information, and unlike the greek pantheon I'm not aware of any being in Egyptian Mythology that specifically controls fate (feel free to prove me wrong here). The idea that they couldn't have done anything else, is kind of absurd.

I mean they convinced Iskander that banning gods was wrong so like? maybe they should have leaned more into that angle.

Also like, they freed Bast, which good for Bast, but doing that sped up the process that allowed Apophis to get free. Ruby had a couple of visions and the two of them spent the rest of they're lives deciding to not just prevent the apocalypse, but to put that burden on their children's shoulders.

Personally, I think Ruby's death was while unfortunate not a surprise to either of them, considering she didn't really seem to try to survive, denying both Isis's and Bast's help. Maybe she wouldn't have been able to handle the power, but like, she could have tried.

Now the bigger Issue I have is Julius's death, cause Ruby's is mostly speculation on my part, I could be wrong, but uh, Julius planned his death. He brought to kids into what was going to be an incredibly dangerous situation. And yes, he did ask them to stay out of the room, but the idea that he used them to help him accomplish this which would leave them without their one living parent while also implicating them of any potential crimes the mortals might decide had happened (which is canon) is horrible.

Arguably, We have no idea weather or not Julius planned on releasing Set, and having Carter and Sadie host Horus and Isis (though those amulet are suspicious). Personally I believe that he had some idea what was going to happen, he's not stupid, but similarly to Ruby's death he decide to take that chance anyway.

Was it for the good of the world? sure. Was it for the good of Sadie and Carter? no, absolutely not.

Even if the situation hadn't thrown Sadie and Carter head first into a deadly quest it would've have severely traumatized them. They could feel guilt for helping their dad commit a crime (especially if they had no idea what was going on) or get himself killed. It doesn't help that Sadie already had abandonment issues due to him.

But more importantly, (not to say his relationship with Sadie isn't important, but his death has a far larger impact on Carter), he left Carter with no one. Besides for maybe Amos, but not only are the two of them estranged but I can't really think that Julius would've thought Amos would take Carter in. And honestly living with the Uncle you barely remember isn't much better than living with stranger, there no one for Carter to go to.

Julius was Carter's single guardian and his only form of stability and familiarity for six years. Do I think he was a good support system of Carter during those six year? not really, but the fact that Julius was willing to throw Carter to the wolves (the government and the foster system) isn't a good sign.

so yeah, the fact that both Julius and Ruby basically went willingly and knowingly to their deaths is kind of abandoning their kids.

I wish I could say (that's a bad way to phrase this) that Julius had planned the quest to defeat Set but I kinda think that would be speculating a bit to much.

Luckily, it's basically canon that they expected Sadie and Carter to save the world so anything I might say about that isn't at all a stretch.

My biggest problem with them though is that neither of them even mentioned the idea of being magicians to Carter or Sadie. And it;'s not because they're to young, because many magicians learn what they are at a very young age.

It could've been to protect them from The House of Life, but considering how violent and uncontrolled they're magic can get with zero knowledge of it it's seems weird that they wouldn't try to teach them how to control it.

(also It was denying Carter and Sadie a large amount of knowledge about their family and even culture to some extent)

Both of the parents fully understood that Sadie and Carter would have to save the world, and yet despite that both of them died without even hinting at Sadie and Carter's abilities.

And there's a big difference between this and what many of the better parents in the Riordanverse did by trying to avoid telling their kids about their heritage. People like Sally and Natalie Chase did it with the intention of trying to protect their kids as long as possible. Sure, it didn't help but they either weren't given a chance to fully explain when the kids were old enough or tried to but it came a bit late (for reasons they couldn't control), Ruby and Julius fully understood that Carter and Sadie would be put in a lot of danger and didn't even inform them of that the gods existed.

Yeah technically most of the Riordanverse parents did that, but there is a big difference in the lives of demigods vs magicians. Telling a demigod about the greek god would also mean having to explain the fact that they being hunted down by monster, which is not something you should tell your seven year old, especially if the real danger is going to come a bit later. Magicians don't actually have a lot of danger associated with them, Carter and Sadie are sort of an exception to that. Like sure, don't tell them about the saving the world part until they're older (Not that Julius even tried) but like tell them about the magic part, my goodness.

Sadie and Carter learned all of this on a really dangerous quest, while trying to save their dad who had planned his death, and in the end they were forced to make a decision between their dad and the world. A decision they didn't really get to make because of the situation and Julius's plan had already made it for them.

Sadie and Carter were shoved into a dangerous world with arguably less help than any other Riordanverse character (excluding the MC series, cause they all died to find out about Norse gods). Like at least the demigods had a camp to go to, Carter and Sadie had a world wide society on their heels, a possessed uncle, a clay person having an identity crisis (which wasn't even over the fact she wasn't real) and a single cat goddess who was forced to ditch like half-way through the book.

Julius legit went "Hey sorry I planned on dying, why don't you almost die to try and save me even though it's useless and than find out me and your mother planned out the worst way to give you the burden of saving the world along with a bunch of responsibilities you don't want *cough* Carter wanting nothing to do with being in charge *cough*.”

I could complain that they also encouraged and helped Sadie and Carter do dangerous stuff (give them a dangerous criminal while knowing he would escape) but unfortunately that’s a common thing parents in fantasy books do.

Like, if they’re kid is already in a dangerous situation and they can’t get them out of it or the kid has to much of a guilt/ hero complex, then better they try to help their kid as much as possible to try to protect them, then forbid them from doing anything which will lead to the kid trying to do everything themselves and getting into more danger.

course the reason Carter and Sadie are in so much danger is because of their parents.

actually Ruby and Julius have a lot of similarities with the gods when it comes to parenting. Cause problems, help your kid a minimal amount after forcing them to fix the problems you caused for you.

Are Julius and Ruby bad people? No. In the end they’re doing what they think is best for the world, which no one can really blame them for that.

they simply faced the love one vs world challenge and had to choose the world.

The thing is being a bad or good person doesn’t usually have anything to do with being by a good or bad parent.

a bad person is capable of being a good parent and a good person is capable of being a bad one.

Trying to save the world does make Ruby and Julius good people, but at the expense of their kids mental, emotional, and physical health. And no matter what the reason, anyone who willingly chooses to put their kids in that type of situation, isn’t a good parent.

anyway, that was really long, so any of you that actually read that entire thing, thx for reading my over analysis.

[girderednerve]

ok i'm doing it, i'm fandomposting, my treasured mutuals may at this point look away, etc etc

stranger things

i actually think it would be fun if eddie strangerthings was trans. i like trans people and i want more trans people in stories so i'm not defending this viewpoint. i just think it would be extremely funny if steve had a whole figuring out he's bi over eddie thing, they get together & are happy together for a year or so, and then eddie comes out to steve as a woman, at which point steve gets to do an extremely funny "wait. wait. i'm straight again. i'm straight again? i'm so straight i knew you were a woman before you did? that's what happened?" i would just really like steve to be the kind of straight guy who actually, you know, likes women. not that he's never an idiot about it in this scenario which i have lovingly crafted in my brain, just that he actually really likes women and he's happy that he's dating a woman.

i did this with my partner, whom i started dating before i knew she was a woman: we then got to joke for a bit that when i thought i was a lesbian i was right! there was in fact no discontinuity! no thoughts on if that's actually true or like theoretically rigorous, but it's a fun & mildly affirming joke to make with your partner, and i think all of my life experiences should be explored through silly stories about made-up people from bad television shows or whatever. i never claimed to be deep. anyway

canonically, eddie spends all this time performing an extremely specific flavor of metal masculinity that is high-risk in context. people hate him and he leans into it when we see him. the fact that he's performing is a deflection to some degree; he gets to control what people are responding to, even if he can't control how they respond. transgressive gender performance is part of that, and it's compelling to me.

the scene where eddie's talking to chrissy, which i do think was meant to nod at the 80s movie freak+prom queen romance, is a moment of mutual recognition; they literally acknowledge each other's performances. chrissy's being crushed alive by the kind of gender performance she has to do. there's a cost to being a thin cheerleader, although i think we're all reasonably tired of hearing about how hard it is to be popular and conventionally beautiful. she's swamped by jason's letterman jacket & pigeonholed by his expectations of her, and she's frankly pigeonholed in the narrative: beautiful, self-loathing in a cliché way, condemned to die before the end of the first episode and then be invoked as a justification for a witch hunt. nothing but a martyred white woman, the most gendered kind. eddie & chrissy play off of each other in an interesting way, and i'd much rather they just be girlfriends, but what show did i watch? not that show.

honestly eddie & robin would be pretty cute too, but woe betide who first creates the ao3 tag, am i right? actually, while i'm dumping all my weird stranger things takes in here, i think steve and robin should fuck exactly one time because she's curious what it's like and he's willing to indulge her. they both go "huh. well, okay" about it and continue being friends. this does a couple things for me: one, it's funny. two, it suggests to us that men & women can have sexual relationships which are not gravitational, which i like. three, i'm annoyed by the fandom trend with those two being that they have an extremely intense, codependent friendship but the very idea that they have sex is outright offensive. two dudes giving each other a handjob which doesn't have to be sexuality-defining is like, a fandom trope! do we think that robin's identity is so fragile that she can't fuck around a little bit, in the interests of finding out?

[thefirstknife]

Myelin is posting videos again. :(

OKAY, so his video I noticed is called "Can Eliksni live forever!?" and it's a pretty nice video overall with all the info we know about Eliksni biology and how they function. It's pretty much identical to the ask I got a few weeks ago and we all brainstormed the explanations aboutu Eliksni longevity and aging (did he steal this ask and our conversation? LMAO). Our conclusions and Myelin's are the same: Eliksni are based on lobsters, they are effectively immortal due to that biology and ether also helps them with growth and sustenance.

There's some other neat Eliksni info as well, specifically about how their reproduction and care for their young works. So if you're interested in some extra details and Myelin's voice isn't making you fall asleep, feel free to watch.

What I want to focus on is at the start of the video where he says that this season gave us new information. He says that "with the Season of the Plunder, Bungie has introduced a decent amount of backstory surrounding the Eliksni." The word "introduced" would imply that this has never been mentioned before. He specifically focuses on Eliksni history (the Long Drift) and the fact that lore shows that Eramis is a survivor of the Whirlwind and therefore, it shows that the Eliksni have incredibly long lives.

This irritates me when it's coming from him because it's his job to know lore. Obviously I do not expect everyone to know this stuff, but he definitely should.

So, the first thing that I noticed, even outside of Myelin (though as I said, not surprised that other people may have missed this), is what he says about the Long Drift. This video isn't the first time he implied we've not known about the Long Drift before. But we did. We knew, both in concept and in name. It's pretty much day 1 knowledge that the Eliksni fled Riis following their version of the Collapse and that they spent centuries going after the Traveler.

The name has also been mentioned before, in Beyond Light. Salvation's Grip exotic lore tab:

[in winding Eliksni script:] Encased in the cold Dark, you cease to be a flesh-and-blood thing but become a memory thing, a thing of stillness. To have memory is to be storied and to be storied is to be worthy, yes, but to be still is to be dead. We have not been still since the Long Drift, and we will never be still again.

This season expanded on the Long Drift significantly, but it did not introduce it. Would've been neat to show that Salvation's Grip is useful at least for lore by saying that it mentioned the Long Drift by name before.

And on the topic of longevity, we knew about that as well. Specifically through Variks who spoke of the Whirlwind and the fall of Riis and his attempts to preserve the House of Judgment. There's also a gorgeous art piece of Variks on Riis in Grimoire Vol 2. This Grimoire released in 2019 (and Myelin worked on it). Obviously Forsaken and Beyond Light expanded on that significantly as well through Variks and Eramis. It's funny in context with the ask I got and everyone interacting with it; nobody was surprised that the Eliksni live long. We were just brainstorming possibilities why.

There is obviously a lot of time between the Whirlwind and present day, even without specific dates and timelines, given that the Whirlwind happened before human Golden Age. We always knew that the Eliksni can be hundreds of years old, going into a thousand and above.

It's very confusing to me that he's hyping it up as brand new information. There's nothing inherently wrong with it, but it can give people the impression that Bungie was sitting on Eliksni lore for 8 years without giving us the basics when that simply isn't true. Bungie's way of delivery has always been to give us hints, keep us looking and investigating and then deliver the conclusion at a later date. They teased the Long Drift before and maybe I'm remembering it so clearly simply because I was fascinated by the concept of it even before we knew the name.

Not mentioning previous hints can also create a belief that Bungie scrambled to come up with the Eliksni backstory for this season, when they haven't. They just expanded on it. And it makes sense that it would be expanded when we're in our closest relationship with the Eliksni to date. They had no reason to wax poetical about their history while we were murdering each other at every corner.

I don't know, I am just not a fan of manufacturing the idea that Bungie is stingy and isn't releasing bits and pieces all the time. I see no point in treating it that way when it's so much more fun to realise that something was hinted ages ago and if you paid attention, your wait was eventually rewarded and then you can also help other people discover the joy of following the lore over longer periods of time.

It's just personally fascinating to me when they give us more information and I can go back and pull older pieces that were hinting at it. I also like how seeing how new information sometimes recontextualises older information and gives it more depth and gravity, so I love diving back into older pieces to see how they work now.

It's a good video outside of that however. I am nitpicking because I am just incredibly pedantic.

[millhavenn]

Reddit repost 2—Stranger Things subreddit.

There was a post about them yesterday, but it got locked because people decided to make it about a ship war rather than an appreciation of how great their friendship is.

Really looking forward to seeing them actually work together in season 5, because both should have pretty major roles hopefully. Will understands Vecna like no one else does, and I think that’s going to be key to beating him. And with both Mike’s girlfriend and best friend being important to the fight, there’s no way that Mike can’t be involved.

Hoping we can get a scene with Will being honest with Mike about how he feels, because his character deserves it. There’s a zero percent chance that Mike would be anything other than accepting of him, and Noah Schnapp would no doubt crush the scene, like he did with the van scene in season 4.

The van scene was one of my top 3 favourite scenes this season, because whilst heartbreaking, it perfectly displayed how strong their friendship is. The way Will was able to know how Mike was hurting, put his own feelings aside to recognise how important El was to Mike, and capture how important Mike was to both El and himself was beautiful. He knew how much it hurt him to see Mike in love with El, but he helped his best friend anyway. Unrequited love is hard, but Will powers through it.

Edit: Ok I didn’t plan on writing this much, it kinda just happened.

Yeah I was in that posts comment section. It is part of the reason why I made this. I wanted to see what exactly caused people to react in such a negative way.

I still don’t know what caused it. But this post is doing incredibly well, and I am glad. It is a very small step to bringing back some sort of calm to this community! Lol

I agree with everything you said. I am hoping and praying that a coming out scene is written into the script for season 5. After everything he has gone through, Will deserves the relief, comfort, and safety that comes with sharing your true identity to the people that will love you unconditionally.

A Mike + Will duo/partnership in season 5 would be AMAZING. I need to see them fucking up a bunch of demo(gorgon/bat/dog)s side-by-side. The two of them saving the world together (or helping to) would be a beautiful way to bring their storylines to a close—they both get their revenge on those that had caused them, and the people they love, pain.

It does not matter if it is platonic or romantic—the final blow should be theirs and I will die on this hill !!

I think the negative reactions come as a result of any perceived implication that their relationship is romantic; as whilst majority of fans are relatively positive towards their friendship, the common consensus around here is that it’s just that, a friendship. And whilst I personally agree with that judgement, the constant desire to turn any mention of their friendship into a ship war is tiring.

Seeing Mike get his hands dirty to defend El and Will from some monsters would be a sight to behold, and it’d be cool to see Mike confront Vecna similar to when he tried to take on Billy in the sauna in season 3.

In regards to the “final blow”, I’m about 99% sure this will still technically go to Eleven. But I don’t think it’ll be as simple as El holding out her hand and screaming whilst everyone cheers her on. There’ll be multiple layers to the fight, which is where the rest of the kids, and the adults will come into it.

That is really sad to me, but yoy are right. Hopefully that mob (sort of) mindset changes. I feel that I would be able to have many lovely discussions (such as this one) with users here if implications of romance were not taken so personal.

And the above applies to both sides.

For anybody wondering, my post is not alluding to a specific dynamic in regards to Mike and Will. Users have been lovely thus far of sharing their own interpretation of their dynamic in a mature, and quite beautiful, way. It makes me happy, and I hope it stays this way, even if for a little longer.

Is that wishful thinking?

Yes!! I say Mike Wheeler should be given a chainsaw in season 5. Nancy/Will teaching him how to shoot a gun would be great, as well. There is a lot of potential in season 5, if they choose to go the apocalyptic route, really.

Oh yeah, definitely. I am sure a bunch of powerless teenagers would not stand a chance against powerful entities, such as Vecna and the Mind Flayer, on their own.

That was a joke on my part, but it would be funny if Will just, like, walks up while Vecna is at his weakest, and hits him on the head with a random chair. Imagine going through all of that evil planning, nearly winning in your attempt to control the world, only to die by a random gay kid. I would cry

You definitely do see a similar mindset with other aspects of show. Whenever there’s a post celebrating Mike and El’s love for each other, you’ll usually find someone going out of their way to tell everyone how “fake” or “toxic” they are together. Like I get that Reddit is a platform for sharing opinions, but sometimes I wonder would it not be easier to just downvote and keep scrolling, rather than offering a factually incorrect assessment? Same thing here for when people suggest Mike has been a bad friend to Will.

Maybe just a healthy dose of optimism.

Honestly as long as we get a decent scene with Will standing up to Vecna, I’ll be happy. The poor kid has spent the past two seasons in the back seat.

TLDR: I agree with you big time, and that should be a mindset everybody has!

It most definitely would be.

I feel that there are people who do want to have proper discussions with others of differing opinions, hence why they do not downvote and move on, but it has become clear that it is not something which is possible in the subreddit. Regardless of your preference towards Mikes relationship with Eleven, or Mikes relationship with Will, you are going to receive an immature response. It is best to ignore.

There is a minority in this situation that does deserve more support than what they are currently being given, however, this does not make them innocent—I would know. I have started and partook in many arguments myself, and now that I look back on them, it was stupid of me to replicate the way I was mistreated onto other people.

Everybody in this subreddit needs to learn how to have a proper discussion before ever considering confronting another individual about their opinion. No one is ever right, and if that cannot be accepted, it takes a simple downvote and scroll to continue with the day.

Mileven, Byler, it is not as big of a deal as people here make it out to be—enjoy your ships in peace, and let others enjoy their ships in peace, too!

[astrovian]

I think my issue with The Rings of Power is that I just wanted it to have really good writing (even if that meant deviating from Tolkien) so badly

What I mean by that is that I wanted us as the audience to be intentionally mis-led and deceived and double-bluffed... especially the Tolkien fans. While yes, they're trying to attract casual viewers, they also knew they'd have a big Tolkien audience and didn't cater to us at all in terms of giving us anything interesting/exciting re: plot

Like yes, it's awesome to see Númenor & Khazad-Dûm & all these 'unseen' things visually but for Tolkien fans there's not a lot plot-wise that's as exciting as the visual interpretations

I almost didn't care how much they changed up lore, if the trade-off was good TV writing... then I could accept that because we all went into this knowing it would be a bit of a bastardization of Tolkien's works

But this season finale was just so bland it's actually a little sad

The Mt. Doom reveal a couple of episodes ago was much more interesting and shocking than either the Sauron or The Stranger reveal which is pretty sad given they based the entire season upon the premise of "who is Sauron/The Stranger???"

Like if the reveals shocked you then great, but honestly both identity reveals were seen coming a mile away by pretty much anyone with a passing knowledge of Tolkien's works

They were basically hitting us hard on the head with a hammer in regards to the clues they left each episode which I was basically fine with because I expected the finale to be a be a big "gotcha! we were tricking you the entire time! It's actually not them at all!" rather than what it actually turned out to be which was just "why yes... it was exactly what you thought/predicted 6 or 7 episodes ago"

As a pretty die-hard Tolkien fan, I'm not as down on and harsh about the show as some others are and have enjoyed it for the most part but like... this episode broke me simply because the major plot twists they've been hinting at all season weren't twists at all by the end

I wanted it to be a big shock and that moment you get with good writing where all the puzzle pieces suddenly click into place and you're like "how did I not see this coming??" rather than reading the clues and knowing where you're going before you've even really left for the destination

In fact, I much preferred other theories we ourselves came up with while watching the first two episodes. If they had ended the series with the Mt. Doom eruption reveal (or something as suprising like it) it would have been a great cliffhanger shock ending. This ending just felt really weak

Really this big disappointment made me reflect on what bugs me the most about the series as a whole:

1) the fight in the Southlands that was like a bad tribute/homage to the battle of Helms Deep. It made it really obvious that the writers were struggling to find Tolkien's voice in the script and that they don't know how to come up with an original battle that still feels like a Tolkien battle

I feel like this is a good summary for the series - a wink and a nod to Tolkien's work with some referential dialogue or a visual scene or a specific important item scattered through-out episodes here or there to mask the fact that coming up with a Tolkien show when you can't write like Tolkien and haven't really captured his voice is hard

It's a very superficial and almost like... surface-level/lazy way of writing a Tolkien-based show imo

2) the whole 'mithril has special Silmaril powers now'/dying Elves plot is just SO BAD AND DUMB. Why would you change mithril like this???

The only good or interesting part about this plot is the tension it creates between Durin/King Durin and the Elves & Dwarves as a result. The actual idea of the plot itself made me laugh because I thought it was a genuine joke in the first few eps but now that it's not it just makes me angry

3) the fact that it was so obvious like 4 episodes ago (if that) who Sauron/The Stranger are lmao

4) there was literally nothing impactful in this entire season finale that made me go "I need more now!!" which is literally the exact opposite thing you want to do when you make a season finale of a TV show

5) the pacing and weird time-skips depending on which group of characters we're following is really weird through-out the entire season which I can mostly ignore but like... you're also just gonna have Celebrimbor make the elven rings overnight like that? alright lol

Theories we came up with early on in the season which would have been so much more interesting:

a) make Halbrand the King of the Dead

b) tbh I don't really care who The Stranger is just don't make him Gandalf because that was obvious the second we met him

they won't do it but even if it was Saruman I'd be like well... at least this makes for an interesting juxtaposition to his treatment of Hobbits in LotR/makes his corruption much more heartbreaking

my personal faves that were so unlikely but were thrown around in this category have been Tom Bombadil, a Blue Wizard or like a pre-Balrog Maiar(??)

c) have Gil-Galad think that the Elves are dying and mithril will save them (and in turn make Elrond etc. and us the audience think so) but have it all turn out to be a massive mis-direct where Gil-Galad has been unknowingly tricked by Sauron into getting mithril from the dwarves

d) I can't remember the episode number but a personal favourite theory early on that emerged during the ep where Elrond finds out Durin is mining mithril is that Sauron is actually in disguise as Elrond all along in order to gain access to mithril/Celebrimbor (though what that means for real Elrond in terms of his whereabouts I dunno). it only made sense during that episode really and look, it practically doesn't really work at all... but you can't say that wouldn't have been an exciting plot twist

TL;DR Yes, Amazon needs to cater to casual viewers who don't know much Tolkien, but the way that they have done so has made the plot immensely boring/predictable for anyone with a decent knowledge of (or background in) Tolkien's work

They demonstrate a basic understanding of some of the core central themes of Tolkien but their inability to cater to Tolkien fans beyond referential moments shows that they have a very shallow understanding of how to build alongside Tolkien's work/story-crafting style (or perhaps an innate inability to do so)

e.g. if you're gonna bastardize something at least make sure it's not extremely predictable and boring for a good 1/2 to 2/3 of your audience - you may as well just go all in

[indecentpause]

17, 20, 21!

17. Do you share identity with any of your ocs? Which ones?

Oh my goodness YES. This first point has nothing to do with queerness BUT like. So many of my characters are accidentally autistic, so when it turned out I am, too, it was like, oh. OH.

As for nonbinary bisexual characters: Cricket (unofficially bisexual, canonically NB), Smarty, and Skylar all line up with those things. A bunch of my other binary trans characters are also bisexual, like Kandi, Jack, March, Lola, off the top of my head! I am sure there are more and I'm just blanking, haha.

20. Have your ocs helped you in self discovery? How?

This is another resounding YES, mostly with Sheraton Academy RP characters many years ago that have within the past few years come back in my work. Angie is a trans woman who helped me understand why gender euphoria is so important. Jen is a GNC bisexual who helped me realize I don't HAVE to pick a specific gender presentation, I can do whatever the hell I want. Smarty and Cricket helped me realize I could be nonbinary and still do hrt and Skylar showed me I didn't have to.

Basically just writing these characters and loving them and writing other characters who also love them, showing that they can be happy if they surround themselves with the right people, helped me come to terms with being who I am. I already kind of knew these things about me, but they helped me get more comfortable in my skin.

21. Free ramble card wee

YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE UNLEASHED lol

SO. Josselin, right (we all knew this was coming haha) is actually my wife, @ohsugarfoot's character, but over time I kind of absorbed him into my work because he and Meara are the whole reason we are even together in the first place. (we met on the same message board where there were like. literally less than ten people at any given time, and she asked if I wanted to do a thread with them). That's one of the reasons I keep writing things about them over and over. It's also a bonding activity for the two of us, we talk about ideas and stuff on car rides or when we're goofing off at home or wherever.

Josselin's changed a lot since the beginning, but where he is now and has been for the last... maybe ten years? Most certainly he is autistic. And that helps me understand my own autism better, because I can write about him doing things I do and that helps both me and Sugar understand my quirks and whatnot better. And I was writing this long before I knew anything about even my own autism, but eventually I went to her and was like, hey. I'm pretty sure Josselin's autistic. Not on purpose, I just kind of channeled it into him. And she said OH ABSOLUTELY.

There are other characters that happened to as well, where I just wrote them in a way I understood and later went back and went, oh, I see. But Josselin is the bonding one because while I'm the one who mostly writes, she does a lot of the character building for him, too.

Anyway I love him very much and Sugar and I are both always very happy when other people love him too :)

[pascalishere]

My experience with therianthropy (so far)

Long rambling post ahead, protracted discussion of growing up autistic, queer, therian, and possibly traumatized. Nothing like, triggering up ahead, it’s just weird and way-too-personal.

I’ve been thinking a lot about myself, as per usual. I mean, what else do people do? I do wonder if I think about myself more than everyone else does, but that’s for another day. Main thing is, I wanna put my experience i writing somewhere. With the side goal of having something for other therians to relate to, and for non-therians to get a perspective of.

Basically, I’ve always felt a very strong connection to dogs. Not in the “Aw, cute dog, serotonin released” kind of way, but in a “god I wish that were me” way. I didn’t notice for a long time, but I get the exact same feeling in my chest looking at dogs as I do people I want to look like, in the GNC sense. There’s that, and a lot of the autistic traits I display are very dog-like! I do the autism t-rex hands, I go nonverbal, I’m easily startled by sudden noise, the list goes on.

So that’s the background. Obviously, being a dog is tangled up in my identity as an autistic person. I think the reason why it took so long for me to grasp my dogginess is because of the semi-unique circumstances in which I was raised. Because for a long while, I forgot I wasn’t human.

From first grade to eighth grade, I was enrolled in Social Skills classes. Which if you don’t know, is where the autistic kids who aren’t “disruptive” enough for Special Education go to learn how to “be normal”. Every other day would be training and developing skills in human communication. This sounds good on paper, but what those classes functionally were was the insistent messaging that “You are not Normal, and that needs to be Corrected.” Having all your disruptive problematic inconvenient natural quirks trained out of you does wonders for your identity and self-esteem. People-pleaser that I am, I tried my best in these courses, and I was actually pretty okay at it. I didn’t realize I was hurting myself. I don’t really remember any of the specific skills or tips that were taught to me back then. All I remember is the distinct feeling that nothing I said or did mattered. The feeling that I could only ever be worth something if I said and did exactly what people wanted.

It took me until last year to start unlearning all that bullshit.

For the majority of my life (first grade to freshman year of college), I hated myself for not being normal. I had no reason to be so weird and off-putting, why was I having such a hard time existing as myself? (The reason was autism, but nobody was willing to admit that) This also extended into my late-bloom realization of being trans, but honestly that’s a story for another day. But still, in regards to both of those aspects, it felt like I was missing something fundamental for a very long time.

But for a brief moment, I liked what I was. Before first grade, I was a puppy. I lived for comfort, play, and being Myself. And there was happiness there. The biggest thing I had to worry about tripping over my own paws (and tonsillitis, but that got squared away). From what glimpses I can remember, there was a carefree separation from people, even back then. I was content to Live. When I entered school, I was still a puppy. When I left, I had been bent and twisted in the shape of a Boy. And I didn’t even know. It’s weird, but I don’t really blame anyone for how things shook out. Nobody knew any better, we all though I was just fine, including me! It was admittedly nice to have a script to fall back on in social settings, but I can’t help but wonder where I’d be if I hadn’t been enrolled in those classes.

And now, through a Rube Goldbergian series of events, I’ve remembered that I was a dog this whole time. And as frustrating as dealing with life is, I think I finally love what I am again.

My head keeps coming back to a much more fantastical interpretation of events, so I might as well spell out that here too.

When I was a child, there was a dog I always played with. It was a husky, with brown and white fur, tiny triangle ears, and my eyes. They were with me every moment, our joy a self-sustaining cycle. We saw ourselves in each other.

But I had to let go, apparently. I remember trying to explain that I didn’t yip and trot and love to be funny, but because it was natural.

So I grew up, I learned how to be human. After a while, my friend didn’t recognize me. She couldn’t understand me anymore, and he cried at me, begging me to listen. But I had learned that their existence was shameful, and caused great distress to those I loved. So I ignored it.

She ran away.

Without him, the weight of living crashed on me. I could sense the utter disdain my peers had for me, the patronizing tone every adult used on me alone. I could feel the dread in my heart clawing from the inside of my chest, where my friend once was.

In time, I forgot about that dog. The shame and anxiety stopped me from inquiring any deeper about my origin.

But one night, too many years later, I noticed something weird. I had spent the corresponding day ruminating on furries, queerness, and neurodiversity. My heart screamed at me all day to stop this line of questioning. Fortunately, I had learned to ignore this feeling most of the time. I had accepted that I fell into all three categories.

And then I looked in the mirror for a moment, just a moment. And I saw a dog. With brown and white fur, tiny triangle ears, and my eyes. I was her, they were me, we were each other in one body. What I was physically seeing did not change, just my interpretation of it. But for the first time in over a decade, my heart stopped pummeling itself. I knew that they came back, and that it would never leave again. I was myself, finally.

Strangely enough, living as a “human” doesn’t seem so impossible anymore. But yeah, I’m happy to be Pascal, the husky. Bark bark woof woof, bitch.

[patchdotexe]

while ive been transcribing the old mirror fics ive been Thinking about like, the modern version of mirror we started writing (before some Stuff happened that made it uhhh. difficult to work on) and what we want to do with it

because dominic's entire plotline in it is Hugely changed out of necessity, but i really gotta like. analyze his character in the context of This Specific AU and what's vital to distinguishing him as "this is mirror!dominic" vs "this is limoliverse!dominic"

and the weirdest choice i might have to make is "fuck you [singlets your dominic]"

BC LIKE. Dominic K aka limoliverse!dominic is plural! BUT THE THING IS. both dominics are the Original roleplay!dominic split in half, but the "dominic being plural" thing was originally established in Mirror. the original plot of mirror 2010 was that like as a result of chain of memories not getting Properly Resolved for him he ended up with like. a factive of himself but with the fabricated backstory namine gave him. and so dominic's plotline in the kh2 part was him struggling with clashing identities and Two Of Him

(and also a fun part about mirror 2010 that i Cannot reasonably transfer over into the modern version is that due to crossover bullshit, dominic knew how some of the plot was going to go because he knew the non-AU sora and so he kept trying to like, find a solution to problems that was best for everybody, and making it Way Worse and knocking stuff even further off the rails, and i am losing focus on what this post was about)

(actually no that IS what this post was about, i just decided to focus on the nicolai thing instead of the plot-derail thing and then i started talking about it anyway OOPS)

anyway. when my reworking of dominic turned into "okay im gonna just rip this guy in half and see what happens", limoliverse dominic ended up with the "being plural" thing but. reworked to make sense with his life situation in limoliverse. and it became pretty integral to how he fits in with the rest of the group and nicolai is a very fun character and etc

but MEANWHILE back in mirror, we were trying to figure out What To Do With Nicolai because thats where hes FROM, while also not overcomplicating stuff too much because There Is Already A Lot Going On because even before getting dominic involved this is gonna be hella AU, and the answer might be "uh. what if we didnt"

god i wish i had sushi rn

[dragoninatardis]

Today I actually went out and had lunch with someone I knew as a kid! In fact, one of 7-8 people who shared a particular foundational experience. Specifically, one of my classmates from Religious School. We've been trying to get together for ages and it was just so great to talk to her, and we're in very similar places in our lives. To the point where we had similar issues working in the two schooling systems operating out of our synagogue, and might work together on something at some point. She's bi, we're both adhd and autistic with adult diagnoses (though she's still trying to find somewhere to get an official autism diagnosis as an adult). So yeah, we clicked on a lot of things and were able to mutually appreciate inevitable tangents.

We also talked about gender and sexuality and how that was treated, because our town is very liberal and leftist and our rabbi set up a talk for our class about those subjects when we were eleven or so, and both the sex positivity and the specific refutation of the parts of scripture that were being used (and still are) very much stuck with us...but it was still 2006. Even spaces that were more overt in acceptance of gay people were extremely hetero- and cis-normative. When the speaker told us that sex between man and wife on Shabbos was something holy, none of us were going to ask "Hey, what about gay couples?" because gay marriage wasn't even legal in most of the US. But those are questions kids are going to ask now, and even if they don't, we need to make a space to talk about them.

All of this is a conversation I could happen with a lot of people though, and it was just great to talk about *our synagogue* and its place in *our lives* having grown up there together. But one of the best parts was honesty the moment when we were talking about school early on and *she* said that she is always kind of like "ehhhh...not really though?" when people talk about our class being this all-girl class. Because that was unusual and kind of how we were identified by the community, and we were generally considered this really great group of kids to the point that teachers specifically changed years or put off retirement to get to teach again. But of course, we weren't. And I'm really unsure of how to feel about that, because the class was great and important to me, but it basically made my identity in the community fundamentally based on my gender, while my unidentified gender dysphoria grew. It's just one more thing to reconcile in a very gendered religion, and I'm sure I'll post about it again like 300 times, because the original point wasn't really about the details of that struggle.

My original point is that my friend understands the experience that went with that specific group, the weight that it had, what the community was like in a way that someone who didn't experience it can't, even if my experience was still much different to hers, especially since I was, to my knowledge, the only one that actually *wasn't* a girl. And I haven't talked to someone who shared that on a serious level for at least ten years, before I even realized that "nonbinary" was really an identity I could have.

My second original point was that in telling me that she had basically the same "cringe and kind of correct" response to people describing our class this way, and doing it before me, she showed me that she thinks about me and thinks of me as being *not a girl* to the extent that she will immediately recognize a phrase that refers to a group identity that we shared for a huge portion of our childhood, even without me being mentioned specifically, as incorrect. And will say something (ish; I don't know her exact response but even if a kind of cringe and shake of the head or something is all she does, I would be happy with that. My response would be pretty similar and it's honestly just not worth it to get into a conversation about that with anyone who talks about our class and isn't going to respond to that body language, at least for such a small thing (or at least, small for them.)

[mxtantrights]

The magic-spy and the bird

the best friends brother trope is in my top 5 tropes. but I've also got a thing for angst. So here we areeeee. enjoy! <3

dick Grayson x f!reader

Jason Todd had asked you specifically to ask his brother out. And he did use the word brother, which you made a point to bring up. He shot it down but still decided to push his message towards you. You should ask Dick out. It wasn’t that simple.

“Jay I don’t think you’ve thought this through.” you said.

He chuckled, “Of course I did. I wouldn’t say it out loud if it wasn’t a well-cooked plan.” 

You made a face at him.

“Okay look, all I'm saying is you’ve got nothing to lose. If anything you're way out of his league.” he said and then gulped down the rest of his beer.

You didn’t like beer and so you worked on a Pina colada. You had done the whole beer thing for years now. As a trained spy it was your go-to for missions at bars. Safe to say you were sick of ales, craft beers and everything in between.

“Ah yes, the magic using spy.” you nodded your head.

Jason nodded along with you. 

“Exactly. Bird brains would eat that up.” he said.

“And when would I tell him that I knew about his secret identity? Before I tell him about mine or after?” you asked. 

Jason sighed and raised his hand for another beer. You rolled your eyes at this. Once he had a thought it was very hard for him to let it go. Especially when it included a thought about people he cared for- no matter how much he claimed the opposite. 

“All Im saying is, you never know until you try.” 

“What are you a fortune cookie?” 

“Fuck off. I’m being serious and I do give great advice you can ask Duke.” 

2 DAYS LATER 

You look at Caliban with bated breath. He had just gotten info on a magic-based rebellion. Work was tight when you rolled with the good guys for too long of a time. You blame that on two men on your life, Jason and Constantine. 

“I’ll put in a good word for you.” he says.

“Thank you, I really appreciate it. And any-”

Before you can finish telling Caliban that he can call in a favor from you at anytime your surroundings change. In a flash you go from one of the underworld crime bars to a room you’ve never been in before.

You look around and sure enough you see the culprit. Constantine.

“There she is!” he smiles.

Not only did he summon you, he did so in front of an audience. Circled around him is Gotham’s crime fighting family. All of them except Jason, Cass and Duke. All of which know about your secret identity and would’ve stopped Constantine from summoning you. The rest of the family are all looking at you liked you’ve grown a second head.

You look down at what you’re wearing. The long sleeve off the shoulder skin tight black dress was the perfect choice for the club you were supposed to be in. Maybe not so much for a meeting with the Bats and his birds.

You look right ahead at Constantine, “I don’t like being summoned.” 

“Ah, but you’re the best person I know for this job. I had to get you over here.” he says.

You take a quick look at all the other people in the room. Then at the screen behind them. Your information is plastered on it. Well, the information that you’ve decided to let the government think was yours. Your codename was at the top of the screen.

“Constantine says that you’re the best way into the underworld.” Batman says.

You’re confused to say the least. Constantine was Constantine, why would he call you in order to get them into the underworld when he can do it himself? It defeats the purpose of having to call him.

“I’m sorry,” you direct to Batman and then look at your friend, “I need you to state specifically what I’m needed for.” 

Constantine moved from the family over to you. As he did you watched as Nightwing followed him with his own eyes. Now Dick knows you’re not just Jason’s friend from around Gotham. Great.

“Bats got intel that something it going down with this magic group, the-” he starts. “hex mutiny.” you finish.

“You already know about them?” Nightwing says.

“I was just getting someone to put in a good word for me with them before you summoned me here. You’ve got great timing you know that?” you say to Constantine.

He smiles, “Well then it seems like you can be of great service, spygames.”

“And what exactly would I be doing, if I can even get a spot with them?” you throw out the question to the family.

Red Robin crosses his arms, “We need someone on the inside to tell us what they are planning for Gotham.”

“I doubt they’d let a newbie in on their plans.”

“Good thing you won’t be a newbie.” Batman says.

Constantine conjures an amulet in his hand. You want to hit him over the head. He could really be a pain in the ass. You grab it from him.

“With this, you’ll be in the perfect position to get in and get out. Easy.” he says.

You shake your head, “Every time you say that I get a new scar.” 

“I promise sweetheart. No scars this time.” 

“Yeah yeah, you owe me for this.”

EXACTLY ONE WEEK LATER

You knew you would end up wounded. Typically with Constantine it was nothing deadly, or nothing your own magic couldn’t fix. But you knew that your luck had to run out some day. And it wasn't his fault.

After finding out what the group was really up to you couldn’t just let them operate. They weren’t really rebels. No they used that name to paint a narrative. They were fascists.

You held the wound to your waist to stop the bleeding. This would have to be the farthest you could go. There was no way you could run out of this. Not with the blood seeping through the cracks of your fingers.

At least you brunt the members down to the ash. It took a lot out of you. And that’s why you weren’t prepared for a hit that tore right through you. 

“Why aren’t you moving?” Jason, or Redhood, said through the comms.

You leaned against the hallway wall.

At least you’d die someplace pretty. When you first came in you didn't notice how clean and meticulous everything was. There were painting of famous magicians on the walls. Along with some stolen art, a Van Gogh or two. 

You ripped the amulet off your neck and felt the illusion fade. The necklace fell to the floor and you let out a pained breath.

“I think,” you coughed and on the clean wall was not splatters of blood, “this is it.”

You could hear Jason shouting on the other end. He was calling out your name, calling out for Constantine to come and help you. Duke was calling for you too. And you could’ve sworn you heard Cass say your name once. 

With your only free hand you tried to open a portal out of the base. You knew it would be useless as you had a mortal wound and portal magic works best under no stress and panic, or blood loss. The usual light from your hands glowed faintly until it didn’t.

“Constantine can’t summon you?” Dick asked.

At that you let your body drag down the wall until you reached the floor. When you did sit down more blood came out. So you decided to lay down horizontally. 

“Hey hey- I told you I wasn’t gonna let anything happen to you.” you hear Constantine through the comms.

You want to laugh, but it ends out more of a chocked gargle.

“I screwed up the mission. I deserve it.” you said.

“You did good. Better than any of us.” Batman said.

“Constantine you need to call in whatever favors you have to get her out of there. Now!” Jason shouted.

“Dont,” you started.

“No. We’re getting you out of there-”

“Jason, I’m not a saint. I never would’ve imagined going out like this.” you said.

Once you were born you were thrusted in this world. All you knew was to use magic as a weapon. To get ahead, to get power, to get the glory. And that lasted you until you turned 19. 

Then Constantine crossed paths with you. He was the one to show you that magic has other uses. Such as helping and healing. You learned the best stuff from him.  And you took what you learned and began to help in ways you could.

You didn’t go on the straight and narrow. Never did you consider yourself a morally correct person. Sometimes the lines were blurred, or they need to be blurred. And so you took down seedy organizations, went on recon missions all over the world.

It wasn’t justice. But it was close enough that you could sleep at night or the odd hours of the morning for more than four hours.

“Sweetheart I don’t break my promises.” Constantine said finally.

You were just beginning to feel your eyes grow heavy. The pain was starting to be comfortably numb. Then above you appeared someone you weren’t expecting in the slightest. 

“Caliban?” you asked.

“You owe me double.”

4 DAYS LATER

When you woke up you felt battered and weak You weren’t used to these feelings and you weren’t used to being so close to death. Everyday was a new experience when you’re the Priestess of Espionage.

You cracked open one eye to find a couple of deviants at your side. Jason, Duke and Cass. The youngest took the chair next to you while Duke and Jason seemed to take the floor. Since they weren’t in their gear you guessed that you were out for longer than a couple of hours.

“Not my version of hell but I’ll allow it.” you say in a raspy voice.

It wakes everyone up.

Jason and Duke bolt to your bedside.

“Why’d you almost die on me?” and “Are you feeling okay?” come from them both, respectively. It makes you want to laugh but when you feel the ache in your waist you stop yourself.

“I’m alive, so there’s that. Positives.” you answer.

Jason shoots his younger siblings a look and they scurry out the room. You try to sit up to ask what it was for but he puts his hands up for you to stop any movement. So you lay back down.

“He would kill me if you tore your stitches.” 

You shut your eyes, “Jason I don’t think Constantine would kill you per say.”

You hear the door opening so you decide to open your eyes. And sure enough you see Jason leaving the room and someone coming in. Dick Grayson, out of his suit as well. 

As much as you wanted to, you couldn’t read his face. Besides the clear betrayal that was there. He definitely knew that you knew he’s Nightwing.

“Hi.” you say.

His face softens, “Hi.”

“I just want to say that I would’ve told you about who I am. Sooner that you think actually but this mission kinda derailed all of that.” you say.

With his arm crossed over his chest he nods, “How long did you know I was Nightwing?”

You wince.

“For about two years now. Once Jason told me he was Red it was hard to not notice the similarities of the Wayne family and the Bat one.” 

He laughs at that and you let out a breath you didn’t know you were holding. It must be going good if he wants to laugh. 

“And when did he tell you that I like you?” he asks.

“He didn’t explicitly say that.” 

There’s a beat of silence. You’re looking at him and he’s looking at you. But he’s the one who seems to be holding his breath this time. You try to hide the smirk you feel forming on your lips.

“What?” he asks.

“Jason had told me that I should ask you out. He didn’t say anything about you liking me.” you answer him.

The red tint that covered Dick Grayson was absolutely adorable.

He nods his head to himself. Twice.

“I- I’m gonna get Jason for you.” he moved to the door.  And you don’t really know what to say. All your words get jumbled in your brain and you can’t put them together in a way that is smooth enough so you deicide to just try your best.

“If you were to ask me out, I would say yes.” you say.

He looks directly at you. Then his signature smirk appears.

“I’ll bring back some food for later.” he says.

“it’s a date.” you answer.

[makeste]

some follow-up thoughts on BnHA 306

mostly Deku angst, but also a little Baku angst (and some TodoBaku angst) mixed in for good measure. because there’s plenty of angst to go around.

1. “if I’d only been stronger...”

I’ll talk more about Deku later in this post as well, because there’s definitely plenty to talk about; this is the most character development he’s gotten in almost 200 chapters. but for starters, I want to discuss the possible parallels between Deku’s current character arc, and what is arguably the most iconic moment of angst/character development in the series.

remember how this kid, who up until this point had rarely seemed to give two fucks about the world around him, suddenly revealed that he blamed himself for being the downfall of All Might? remember how it came almost out of nowhere? how he’d been hiding it, and trying to suppress it? “but even if I try to forget... sometimes it all just comes rushing back.”

yeah. so anyway, I got to thinking -- if being the cause of one hero’s downfall could affect someone this badly, what about being responsible for the downfall of all heroes?

what if a boy who wanted nothing more than to keep people safe suddenly found himself at the epicenter of a disaster that killed hundreds, possibly even thousands of people?

now obviously, this is not the sole thing that’s troubling Deku right now; this kid has a whole array of traumas as of the War arc. like, you know it’s bad when Society As We Know It Coming To An End Partially Because Of You is the least of your problems. but still, I think this is worth bringing up, because the hero kids blaming themselves for things that aren’t their fault is hardly anything new. and yet, what with everything else that’s been going on -- all of the Todoroki drama, and Vestige revelations, and hospital antics, and political strife -- I feel like it’s easy to forget or overlook this little detail.

the fact is that AFO put this entire plan into motion solely in the hopes of finally obtaining OFA. every single thing that happened at Jakku -- Tomura powering up; Machia waking up and going on his rampage (after being ordered to do so by Tomura); and even Dabi/Touya choosing this moment to finally strike (because he knew this was when the reveal would do the maximum damage -- when people’s faith in heroes was already wavering) -- every last bit of it can ultimately be traced back to AFO’s desire to steal OFA. which, obviously, makes it AFO’s fault, not Deku’s. but then, Kamino wasn’t actually Katsuki’s fault either. it wasn’t his fault the villains went after him (but he blamed himself anyway), and it wasn’t his fault that people got hurt in the ensuing battle to save him (but he blamed himself anyway).

just. I think we’re underestimating just how strong of an impact all of this likely had on Deku. we haven’t really had the chance to see him process it yet. he’s been too busy, and there have been too many other things going on. but I’m telling you guys, that empty look in his eyes in the final page of the chapter? I can all but guarantee you that at least some of that emotional weight is coming from this.

sure would be nice if he had a friend who knew exactly what that was like, and could help him process the guilt and all of the other associated emotions, just like Deku once helped him. unfortunately I’m not so sure things will be that easy this time around. anyways though let’s move on to a couple of other thoughts and speculations.

2. “...and I bullied him.”

one of my least-favorite BnHA fanfic tropes is the one where the rest of class 1-A somehow finds out about Katsuki and Deku’s history -- i.e. that Katsuki bullied Deku throughout most of their childhood. mind you, it’s not the concept itself that I dislike; it’s mostly how it’s used. a lot of times it’s just an excuse to have all of the other kids turn on Katsuki and ostracize him; either because the author thinks that’s what he deserves, or else so that Deku can eventually come to his rescue and defend him and shame the rest of the class for not seeing how much he’s changed. either way, it’s usually pretty awkward to read, and more often than not the characters are pretty OOC (especially Ochako and Todoroki).

however! there’s a big difference between fanfic and canon, and just because I’m not a fan of this trope in the former doesn’t mean it couldn’t be executed well in the latter. and lately I’ve been thinking about this a lot. mainly for three reasons:

the recent (can we still call it recent?? well whatever) scene where Katsuki confessed to All Might that he used to bully Deku is now one of my favorite scenes in the entire series, and proof that this can be executed well.

both Todoroki and Deku have finally had their respective big secrets revealed to the rest of the class. so like, idk. feels like it just might be secret-revealing season now, you know?

and lastly, as a result of Deku’s secret about OFA finally being revealed, the rest of 1-A now either knows, or can extrapolate, that he used to be quirkless.

and from there, I feel like it’s not all that hard to put two and two together with how terrible Kacchan and Deku’s relationship was when they first started at UA. that’s not a terribly difficult puzzle to solve. so I feel like it might come out anyway, and if so, I’d prefer Bakugou telling them himself, and taking responsibility as part of his atonement process. because we know that he regrets it. we know their relationship has changed. we know that he has changed. and so I think I might like to see this.

alternately, if confessing to the entire class is too much, at the very least I could see him confessing to Shouto, because I’ve always felt like this was one of the big things that made Katsuki so resistant to letting Todoroki call him a friend. because I feel like there’s a part of Katsuki that saw the parallels between Endeavor’s abuse of Shouto and his own bullying of Deku, and thought, he wouldn’t be so quick to call me his friend if he actually knew the truth. and so there’s actually been this roadblock wedged between them this whole time that Shouto doesn’t even know about. because Shouto hates Endeavor. and so it’s not such a leap to assume he’d hate Katsuki too if he knew just how terrible he’d been to Deku when they were younger.

not that I think he actually would! actually I don’t think either of those things is actually true (because Shouto clearly doesn’t hate his father either, in spite of everything that’s happened). but the point isn’t what I think -- the point is what Katsuki thinks. and I really do think there’s a good chance he’s worried about Shouto hating him, and it’s one of the things that’s made him so reluctant to accept his friendship. anyway, so I’m really just rambling now, but you get my point. I don’t know if this is actually going to happen, but it’s a scene I would like to see if Horikoshi decides to indulge me.

3. “...so when you wake up, please give him my best.”

and now, as promised, back to Deku.

ngl guys, when I first saw this image, my immediate thought was that Gran must have died. because I mean, hello, leaving U.A.?? donning himself in his teacher’s old cape?? empty, exhausted look in his eyes?? what else were we supposed to think lol.

but maybe that was an overreaction. because when I think about it more, Gran’s death isn’t strictly necessary in order to push Deku over the edge. first of all, there’s already the whole “hero society is in ruins now because of you” thing I mentioned earlier. but also, there are just so many other things. like, let’s just list them here because omg. what a rough couple of days this kid had.

he was forced to battle TomurAFO and was terribly injured in the process (most of which was his own fault, but he wouldn’t have gone that far with OFA unless he felt like he had no choice)

and it wasn’t just him that was injured, either. in fact, even though he tried to act as bait to keep everyone else safe, he wasn’t able to stop three of the people closest to him from nearly being killed right before his eyes

and of course that last one was especially traumatic, because it was Kacchan, and because he had to watch Kacchan nearly die just to protect him. out of all the things that Deku witnessed in this arc, this might be the one that had the biggest impact on him

he was also basically helpless to do anything to protect Shouto and Endeavor when Dabi showed up. so again, we have this running theme of people he cares about being hurt and him not being able to save them

and he also got sucked into the OFA Interstellar Dream Vortex for a brief spell during the battle, during which he learned that AFO had possessed Tomura. more importantly, he learned that Tomura was Nana’s grandson, a fact which was only briefly touched on during that scene, but which I think wound up being the trigger to the whole avalanche that ended with Deku leaving UA. but more on that in a moment

anyway so just to wrap this all up, the battle eventually ended, Tomura got away despite all of their efforts, and then Deku wound up comatose in the hospital for two days. which brings us to the most recent chapters, during which

Deku learns that he will be the last wielder of OFA, whether he likes or not

Deku learns the identity of the last two mystery OFA users

and then at some point, he wakes up and presumably talks to Gran, and winds up with his cape

something happened during these last two scenes which helped to push Deku over the edge. I won’t delve into the matter of the Second or Third users for now, although most of you already know my suspicions regarding that, and I do think that would fit into the general pattern here (that is, the pattern of Deku feeling more and more strongly that he is putting the people around him in danger, and his fear of losing them becoming so overwhelming that it eventually pushes him to leave).

but that’s not what I want to talk about for now. what I want to talk about is Gran. specifically, what it is that Deku discussed with Gran. and this is where we come back to that reveal I mentioned earlier -- that Tomura is Nana’s grandchild.

basically, what I think happened is that Deku mentioned seeing Nana in the OFA Zany Psychedelic Spirit Void, which led to the topic of Tomura, and the fun fact Deku recently learned about him being related to Nana. this, in turn leads to Gran divulging his various regrets about everything that happened with him and Nana and Kotarou. his intent is to apologize to Deku for placing the burden of their failures on him. unfortunately, the part that Deku actually gets fixated on instead is this:

All for One hunted down and killed Nana’s son (and probably her husband as well), and stole her grandchild and psychologically tortured him into becoming a mass murderer, for no other reason than that Nana had once held OFA

in other words, AFO can and will hurt and kill anyone Deku is close to, anyone who has any kind of connection to him at all, without mercy, and regardless of whether it actually gives him any kind of tactical advantage or not. he’ll do it simply to hurt him. no other reason necessary.

I don’t know about you, but for me that would be a terrifying realization. and for Deku, I think it just might have been the tipping point.

so, let’s recap.

Deku learns that AFO is after him

AFO/Tomura very nearly kills several of Deku’s most important people, including Kacchan

and then he learns that this is just the tip of the iceberg, and realizes that all of their lives are still in danger and will continue to be as long as Deku is AFO’s target

and then add to all of this the misplaced guilt about society already being shambles, and the heroes already having more than enough to worry about. they’re barely holding things together as it is. and we already know how Deku feels about being a burden to them:

and so instead, he leaves. of course he does. in hindsight, I think this was inevitable.

the question is, did anyone else also put the pieces together in time to realize what Deku was planning before he actually left? specifically, did Katsuki, who understands Deku’s self-sacrificial nature better than anyone else, see the signs and put two and two together? like he did back at Jakku?

and if he did, would Deku have been willing to accept his help again?

somehow, I can’t help but think it might not be that easy this time.

anyway, so that was a lot of rambling, lol. sorry about that. I JUST HAVE A LOT OF FEELINGS about all of this angsty shit. tired nomad Deku needs hugs and comfort and someone to reassure him that he doesn’t have to face this alone, and that everything is going to be all right. HE IS JUST A LITTLE BOY. this is too much, and I cannot handle any of these feels, and oh my god, somebody please help him.