#and we've lived together for almost 9 years

[rose-colored-tarot]

Talking to a someone who is also into occult stuff: Yea, I have weird feelings about calling it a "religion" or "spirituality". I consider myself a soft animist soft polytheist, but divinity is a construct and doesn't necessarily imply significance over other spirits, with a focus on nature energy. But then again, I've changed my mind often and recently, so none of this is set in stone. The best way I can describe it is just "witchy shit".

Talking to literally anyone else: yea, I'm pagan

[bunnyboy-juice]

😭💞 my best friend finally has an apartment which means, after almost a decade of being friends, we are FINALLY able to plan visiting each other for the first time

[katy-l-wood]

What's your favorite part of disaster research?

Ohohoo. I could go on about this one for HOURS.

But, at it's core: my favorite thing is looking into how and why we tell disaster stories the way we do, both in fiction and non-fiction. As an extension of that, how the fiction and non-fiction aspects intersect. Why do we focus on the elements we do? Why does media coverage of disasters work the way it does? Why do we believe so many myths about disasters like looting and panic behavior and everyone-for-themselves? How can we use fiction to better inform non-fiction, and non-fiction to better inform fiction?

Here's an example of fiction to better inform non-fiction: in Emergency Management, it's a common sentiment that it isn't necessarily the plan you come up with that's useful, it's the act of making that plan. The actual plan you make is probably going to fall apart at some point, because you can never plan perfectly. A plan is fiction. It's fiction heavily based in reality, but it is still imagining scenarios that have not actually happened. But in the act of making it you are going to learn so much about yourself, the people you work with, the place you live, etc. and that knowledge is going to be what saves you.

A perfect example of this is Gander, Canada during 9/11. Gander is a little town that also happens to have the eastern most airport in Newfoundland on the east coast of Canada that can take large passenger jets. In the 90s, as everyone was preparing for Y2K, Gander realized that if we did have a worst-case Y2K, there would be a ton of jets stranded over the Atlantic that would need a place to land immediately, and that meant landing in Gander. So they made a plan. They fictionalized the scenario to figure out what they would need to do to deal with that outcome. But then Y2K didn't amount to much and the plan was thrown away, because they'll never need a plan like that again, right?

Cut to almost two years later when 9/11 occurs and what happens? Air traffic in the US is shut down and suddenly there's tons of jets stranded over the Atlantic with nowhere to go and desperate for a place to land. So what does Gander do? They've thrown out their actual plan for this. But it didn't matter because they'd learned from it, and they remembered what they'd learned. Gander ended up taking in nearly 7,000 refugees from dozens of jets. It nearly doubled their population in just a handful of hours. Everyone in town came together to get these people safe, get them comfortable, and help them figure out what the hell to do next. (There's actually a Broadway musical about it called "Come From Away.")

So how do we make those sorts of plans? How do we develop them to be as helpful as possible in a way that is understandable and digestible so that it can be as effective as possible?

Then, of course, there's non-fiction informing fiction which is a bit more obvious as to how that all works. We've been doing studies since WWII that have told us how people behave in disasters, and it very much does not match the way Hollywood usually portrays it. So why? Why are we so obsessed with these disaster myths? Why are those the core aspects our cultures keep sinking their teeth into?

So. Yeah. :P

That's my favorite aspect of disaster stuff. I may or may not be looking into pursuing a PhD at this point. >.>

[babymetaldoll]

Are you mine? - Chapter 1: I'm a puppet on a string

A/N: Ok guys, here we go! Thank you all for your love and support, and most of all, for waiting for this last book.  Summary: We are starting on season 15 for a little sneak peak of our lovebirds getting ready for their last day at the BAU. Spencer and his cherie have been married for some time now, and things are going great, until they don't, as they usually do. Let's join for a big flashback and understand all that happened from season 9 to season 15 that lead them to their last day at the BAU. Word count: 7.680 words.  Warnings: Alcohol consumption, fluff, angst, confusion and babies.  

Series' Masterlist - Author's masterlist

Next chapter

Spencer's point of view

Thomas Merton once wrote, "Love is our true destiny. We do not find the meaning of life by ourselves alone. We find it with another."

Life has never been this good, not like this. I know I haven't slept well in over seven years, due to the constant demands of parenthood, but I don't mind. In fact, I think I love it. I was not a good sleeper before becoming a dad if we are sincere. But waking up ten times every night to change diapers, check for monsters under the bed, or scoot over and allow my kids to sleep next to me, kicking my ribs for the entire night has never been a problem. Because they are my babies, and I would do anything for my kids.

I no longer have every night during the week to bury my head in hundreds of books. I haven't read more than a few every week since Raven was born, seven years ago. Now, my evenings are filled with baby rambles and kids' voices as we play games and read bedtime stories.

My kids. I never thought I could ever say those words. And now look at me, father of three healthy, bright, and beautiful kids. Not even in my wildest dreams I ever imagined being alive could be so fulfilling. Now I have an honest reason to be a better person every day. My babies. My wife. My family. They are my whole life.

I have everything I ever dreamt of: me and (Y/N) have been married for almost nine years. Nine years of waking up next to her, good morning kisses, and cuddles. I still find it hard to believe that she is my wife. The love of my life. The woman I would die for. Just ask me and I will give up everything for her safety and happiness. Yes, as cheesy as it sounds. And with our career choice, a decision that we've had to make more times than we imagined.

Our eldest daughter, Raven Marie, turned seven this year. She is bright and cheerful. She is just like her mother: a natural leader and the light of my day. Vincent is four years old, and he was born an artist. He loves painting and drawing, especially on the walls when no one is watching. We enjoy our trips to the museum together, even more if we get ice cream afterward. And baby Matilda is just three months old. I love holding her in my arms as she sleeps safe and sound. It makes the whole world stop. And the way her big brown eyes stare at me, I swear she can understand every word I say. The three of them make me feel loved in a way I never even imagined.

We live in a beautiful house just outside town, which is perfect for raising our family. It has a large backyard where our kids can play. It even has a tree, so I plan to build a treehouse next summer, probably with Mikey's and Frank's help.

This is everything I always dreamed of and never thought I could have. That is why (Y/N) and I decided we would never let anything jeopardize what we have accomplished. There is nothing more important to us than our babies.

That is why it's time to leave the BAU for good.

Today is our last day as Supervisory Special Agents with the FBI. And though I always thought if this day ever came, I would be devastated, I'm looking forward to this new stage in our lives. As long as we have each other, everything is going to be ok.

I roll in bed and stare at my darling wife asleep beside me. I take in all her features, nose, and closed eyes fluttering occasionally. There are a few gray hairs already showing, stressing her out. I find them sexy if you ask me. We are already 39 years old, I have a few gray hairs myself. My wife's skin looks so soft, so tempting. I wanna mark her mine again, leaving sweet bruises from her neck to her breasts, which are almost exposed underneath her pajamas. The hickies I did last week are barely visible anymore.

But before I get into action to wake (Y/N) with hot kisses all over her body, sweet blabbing sounds coming from the small crib next to our bed catch my attention. Our baby girl is already awake. It's still too early for Matilda to open her eyes, so I roll in bed and hold my baby daughter, rocking her in my arms as we walk around the room.

- "Good morning, Jelly Bean."- I whisper and kiss her forehead- "Thank you for almost letting us sleep through the night last night. Your mom and I have a decisive day today."- Tilly stares at me with her big chocolate eyes and smiles as her tiny finger holds mine tight.

- "Yes baby. Today is your parent's last day working at the BAU, after over fifteen years of service for your mom and seventeen for me."

The words should shock me, or maybe even cause angst or pain. But nothing could be farther from the truth. I'm excited to become a full-time professor at Georgetown, come home every night, and spend time with my kids. No more travels unless they are on vacation, no more chasing psychopaths. I'm ready to leave that life behind me and take care of my loved ones daily.

I walk around the house, enjoying how it's still silent. Holding Tilly close against my chest, I open Vincent's door and watch him sleeping on his little bed. I walk over and cover him with his blanket, knowing in about forty minutes he will be running downstairs, demanding breakfast. Today is hotcakes Friday, I could start the batter and get the coffee ready after I put an eye on the kids.

I head to Raven's room and find her awake. She is sitting on her bed, holding her teddy bear hidden behind Moby Dick.

- "Birdie, what are you doing awake? it's six in the morning"- I whisper as I walk over to her and she widens her eyes, clearly busted.

- "Sorry dadda. I just woke up. I swear."

- "What happens when we don't get enough REM sleep?"- I ask her as I sit by her side, and take her book from her tiny hands.

- "It interferes with memory formation, altering my learning process."

- "Very good. So if you know why you must have nine hours of sleep, why are you awake so early?"- my older daughter giggles and hides underneath her blanket for a moment. I wait for her to show me her face one more time as she whispers.

- "I wanted to know what happened to the giant whale."

- "But this is our bedtime story, Raven. We have to read it together every night."- I try to look serious, but frankly, I feel so proud. I love being able to share my passion for reading with my daughter. Raven fixes her pillow underneath her head and covers herself with her purple blanket.

- "But I'm no longer sleepy, dadda."

- "Just close your eyes for a bit, Birdie. Try to rest and I'll make breakfast. I'll call you when the food is ready, ok?"

- "Can we read two chapters tonight, dadda? Please?"- she looks at me with pleading eyes as I place the book back on her bedside table.

- "Only if you get some more sleep now, ok?"

- "Fine... good night dadda... or is it good morning already?"- I chuckle and kiss her forehead.

- "If you are going to sleep, we still say good night, birdy."

Sometimes I'm sure I'll wake up alone at my old apartment, all this would have been a dream. I never imagined I would love something or someone more than I loved my work. The FBI was my life for so long. But this, my babies, my wife sleeping safe and sound in our house, that means more than anything I could ever achieve at the bureau.

(Y/N)'s point of view

I wake up in bed and immediately feel the cold, empty space beside me, and I don't like it. I'm used to waking up with the warmth of Spencer's arms around me or any of my kids hovering over the covers or sleeping on me. But not today. Today, I am alone on this gigantic bed, and neither my children nor my husband are in sight.

The sweet sound of my kids' laughter somewhere in the house and the smell of hotcakes catches my attention in a second. I could get used to waking up like this. No text warning me that we have to catch a serial killer. No one is trying to hurt my family. No psycho plotting to ruin our lives. Just us in our house, living our sweet dreams.

The last couple of years have been rough, to call it somewhat. Everything we ever tried to avoid from working at the BAU hit us. For a moment it felt like everything that could go wrong, did. And when I say "everything", I mean it. But I don't wanna think of those dark times, I don't wanna start this last day with sorrow. I wanna start it with coffee, hotcakes, and sweet kisses from my babies.

- "Something smells extra good in here!"- I walk into the kitchen and find Spencer flipping hotcakes in a pan, as Raven and Vincent are sitting at the table, eating already and chatting nonstop. My husband smiles as I walk to him and kiss his lips sweetly.

- "How are you today Tilly?"- I whisper as I stare at her, she is asleep against Spencer's chest, in a baby wrap we got when Raven was born, and that my husband loves beyond life itself. Try to take it from him, it's impossible. He loves carrying our kids around in that thing. And when they are too old to fit in, he just carries them on his shoulders or arms all over.

- "One day they will be too big or too embarrassed to be seen like that with me"- he explained to someone, probably some of my aunts or cousins, who argued he was spoiling them rotten. - "And I wanna enjoy every chance I get before we reach that point in life."

Now, if you ask me, I don't think our kids will ever get tired of their dad. They love him too much.

- "Mama! dadda made chocolate chip hotcakes!"- Vinny is clearly running on sugar right now- "They are tasty!"

- "I'm sure they are! They smell delicious!"- I grab a cup and fill it with freshly made coffee- "Can I get you more coffee, hon?"

- "Yes, please ma cheriè."- I pour two cups and add sugar to my husband's as he prepares a dish with hotcakes and scrambled eggs for me and one for him as well.

- "Someone went an extra mile with this breakfast today. Thank you hon"- I kiss him again and take both dishes.

- "It's a special day. You deserve the best breakfast."

- "Well, I'm gonna cook you the best dinner then" - I wink at him and look at our kids- "Are you ready for school, Birdie?"

- "Yeah. I'm excited because in math we are starting to do multiplications! Finally!"- our daughter is honestly happy about math, which I know she didn't get from me.

- "Multiplications? Why were you looking forward to that?"- Spencer asks her, as I help Vinny cut his hotcakes.

- "Because Uncle Frank said we are good at multiplication in this family, so I wanna learn all about it."

I keep my poker face and nod at my oldest daughter, trying to pinpoint any kind of scenario where Frank might have said that to her. Spencer stares at me with wide-open eyes as he clears his throat and sips his coffee.

- "Yeah, math is really fun!"- that's all I can say- "Which is your favorite subject, Vinny?"

- "Art"- I am not shocked.

- "Are you planning on making a new drawing for my desk?"- Spencer asks our son, who takes a few seconds to reply and gives him an honest answer.

- "No, Aunty Lu asked me to do one for her fridge, because her baby can't draw anything yet."- I smile and nod.

- "We should work on that drawing this weekend then."- I say to my boy and kiss the top of his head. I love that my kids know Lu, Frank, and Mikey are also family.

Lu got married a few years ago and last month she had her first baby. I haven't seen her in a few weeks because things have been crazy for both of us, but we text daily. A lot has changed, but our friendship remains the same. Mikey got married as well, to a girl he met at work. They have been together for five years and have a baby girl. I have never seen him this happy before, and it fills my heart with joy to know he is living the life he always dreamed of.

Meanwhile, Frank is still single. Not shocking news, I know. He has a steady girlfriend though, and they are very happy. He and Tarah have been together since Spencer and I got married, and they have the cutest dogs and cats I've ever seen.

- "Ok kids, let's get ready for school."- I put the dishes in the sink and watch our kids run upstairs. Spencer smiles as he finishes his last sip of coffee and I walk to him to take Tilly in my arms.

- "I'm gonna get this little lady ready to spend the day with Nana Sofia so you can take a quick shower, ok?"

- "Thank you, ma cherie."

- "No, thank you for breakfast, Daddy."- I whisper and kiss his coffee-tasting lips as he stares at me, raising an eyebrow subtly. I am teasing him, and I know it. But I can't help it. I love it when he stares at me with those hungry eyes.

- "We have some extra time, in case you wanna join me in the shower."- Spencer whispers and stands in front of me, wrapping his arms around mine, and moving his hands up and down my back, underneath my pajamas.

- "Mom!!"- Raven yells from upstairs- "Vinny got back into his bed and said he won't go to school today!"

- "Hold that thought until tonight."- I sigh and peck his lips- "Take that shower while I get the kids ready."

- "Fine, but you owe me, Mrs. Reid."- I chuckle at his words and shake my head, walking out of the kitchen with our baby secure in my arms.

- "Dr. Reid, I'm keeping count, and as far as I remember, you owe me, big time."

Spencer's point of view

As I drive to our last day at work after dropping the kids at school and Tilly with (Y/N)'s mom, I start to do the math of how many times I've driven us to work in the last few years. Plus all the times I took the subway to get there, before we got married. I know during all those times I never imagined how the last time would feel like. I never even imagined this day would ever come until Raven was born. Ever since I knew she was coming, I seriously considered dropping the life I knew to do anything else. Something that didn't include putting my and my wife's life in danger daily.

After we got married, (Y/N) and I spent a few years trying to catch up with all the time we wasted not confessing our feelings. There wasn't much left to know about each other that we didn't deal with being friends, but being a couple was a completely different thing. Our job came with certain unconventional situations, to call it somewhat. Like the day I realized how badly I wanted to be a dad, after delivering a baby in front of an unsub.

It happened almost eight years ago, not long before we discovered we were going to become parents for the first time. I remember I was out for a drink with Rossi, who had taken very seriously his job to help me transition from a single man with no clue about dates, to a man married to the woman of his dreams.

That night he took me to one of his favorite bars, which apparently had seen better days. It was old, dirty, and mostly empty, except for a very old guy singing karaoke at the back of the room, and some regulars.

- "That's where I saw Carolyn for the first time."- Dave pointed at a table in a corner, where a guy seemed to have passed out. I widened my eyes and looked at him, not impressed.

- "No offense, Rossi, but this place is kind of a dump."- of course, he was offended.

- "Oh, back then it wasn't."- he argued and tried to sell me the place - "Back then, the biggest names would come here: Creedence, The Eagles, Chicago. It was a Marine bar. They played for us jarheads."

- "What was Carolyn doing here?"- I asked, trying to focus on the story and not on the number of bacteria in every glass in that bar.

- "Waiting for Ringo."- Rossie replied as I stared at him surprised. - "Beatlemania was no joke. I mean, it would make the women crazy. She'd write them a letter once a week, begging the band to come visit."

I smiled thinking that sounded like something (Y/N) might have done as well, though instead of writing letters, she would tweet her favorite band and spam them with messages begging for a show in town.

- "Did they ever come?"- I asked and Rossi nodded, with a smile.

- "Ringo did, after his divorce. But luckily, Carolyn met me first. But that's how we all became friends."- I was about to add something when the waitress arrived with our second round.

- "Devil honey for Dave and a light beer for the kid."- I smiled at her and whispered a shy thank you as she left the bottle in front of me. I was about to sip it when the sound of a text message coming from David's phone reminded me duty ruined most of our fun times.

- "Oh, on second thought, Helen... it's Garcia."- Rossi announced and looked at me.

- "So much for a night off."- I sighed and left the bottle back on the table, untouched.

- "You better bring us the bill."

- "Ok. That'll be 10 bucks."- the waitress replied quickly, and I moved to grab my wallet, but David stopped me.

- "No, you can charge us for the drinks we didn't have. Drinks are on me, kid."

- "Everything's marked down until it's all gone."- the waitress announced and showed us a banner announcing Rossi's favorite place was closing in a few days.

- "Oh, you can't close! This place is history!"- he argued immediately, shocked by the news.

- "Unfortunately, Dave, history doesn't pay the bills."- Helen, the waitress, replied and shook her head as Rossi sighed, defeated.

- "Marines used to be big business!"- he said and looked at me, I don't know if waiting for words of support or just trying to convince me.

- "Still are. That's why three new bars opened up across the street."- Helen explained and then asked- "What's that thing they say about competition?"

- "It breeds success?"- I told her, but she cut me off.

- "It sucks."

- "Well..."- Rossi stood up and I followed, grabbing my jacket- "Keep the change."

- "Thank you, Dave."- Helen smiled and looked at him for a few seconds, giving him a knowing look, and then walked away.

- "I hate to see this place go."- Rossi said to me as he stood there, staring around him at all the memories he had in that place. I tapped on his shoulder and walked out of the bar.

- "We could come back again after we solve this case."- I suggested, trying to cheer him up. - "Bring the rest of the team, enjoy one last drink here. I'm sure (Y/N) and García would love to hear all the stories this place has."

When we reached the BAU that night, (Y/N) was already there with Blake, García, and Hotch. I walked toward my wife and held her hand.

- "Ma cherié, did you get to enjoy your evening at home?"- I whispered and she sighed.

- "I prepared the perfect bathtub, got myself a glass of wine, and I had a brand new book to enjoy. And it all went to waste."- she pouted and I ran my thumb down her cheek a few times, caressing her soft skin.

- "I'm sorry, chipmunk."- the rest of the team joined us in the briefing room, which forced us to be professional and move from each other a little bit- "We could take a bath together after we solve this case."

- "That sounds so nice." - (Y/N) sighed and smiled at me. - "How was your night out with Rossi?"- she asked as we sat around the table in the briefing room.

- "We had fun, we have to go to the bar he took me"

- "Was it good?"

- "No, actually it was old and dirty, but it's his favorite and it's closing."- she chuckled as Rossi turned to me, from the other side of the table, looking absolutely offended.

- "It's a very respectable place! You are lucky you visited it!"

- "That's why I'm telling my wife we should go!"- I replied, doing my best not to laugh. I knew he was affected by the closing news.

- "And we will, you don't have to tell me twice."- (Y/N) said quickly- "If there is booze and Rossi approves, I'm dying to go."

That case was in Boston, a psychotic was on the loose and had already killed three men and stolen their wallets. Though nothing tied the victims together, our guy was on a mission, and it was more likely to strike again before we got there.

We were already in the jet, going through the briefs and trying to find anything that could lead us to find this guy quickly.

- "We need to determine where he's finding his victims."- Hotch said, and I locked eyes with my wife, who was sitting next to me.

- "Geographically speaking, none of the victims live near one another, but they were all killed downtown, which is where the unsub likes to operate."- I said as she nodded, but before (Y/N) could say something, Blake commented.

- "That fits with where Maxford works, but not with the other two victims."

- "His area of control, while relatively small, includes a number of residential and commercial buildings."- I started rambling out loud.

- "Can you do the math that might help us?"- my wife suggested.

- "Well, factoring in a 3-mile radius in a city with a population of 636, 479 over 48.28 miles, we're looking at approximately 39,549.23 people living in his comfort zone."- I blurted out and (Y/N) kept staring at me with a sweet smile, as the rest of the team looked at each other like I was a freak.

- "How many of them are male?"- Morgan asked me and I replied in a blink.

- "18.944,08."

- "Garcia, start with the victim's known associates."- Hotch commanded as I felt (Y/N)'s hand on mine, intertwining our fingers.

- "Your brain is so fucking hot"- my wife whispered and I chuckled, embarrassed- "I love hearing you do math on anything."

- "Never let her go, kid"- Rossi overheard her words and smiled at us. I guess so did JJ, 'cos she looked at us with a funny stare in her eyes before standing up and walking to the kitchen to get herself a cup of tea.

Our guy was Tanner Johnson, and he was in fact, on a mission. He wanted to gain his ex-wife's trust back again to prove to her that he could take care of her and her new baby after their 10-year-old Jeremy had died. He wanted to be a good father, and in a way to protect everybody who lived under his roof, he started killing people who he thought were a bad influence for them and even kept a scrapbook, filled with proof of his murders.

I remember being in a van with Morgan, on our way to Mrs. Johnson's house, where she was being kept against her will by our unsub. (Y/N) was with JJ and Blake in another van, as Rossi and Hotch stayed back at the station, watching the surveillance cameras Tanner kept, still streaming everything that was happening in his old family home.

We just made it in time before Mrs. Johnson had the baby, and I was glad for once I had memorized all of the delivery manuals I had come across when JJ was pregnant, just in case she went into labor on the field.

- "Hannah, how far apart are your contractions?"- I put my gun down as I stood in front of Mrs. Johnson and Tanner, who had a knife against her throat. Morgan kept pointing at him, but I knew he didn't have a clean shot.

- "They're constant!"- the poor woman in labor screamed in pain. I looked at Derek and shook my head. I knew I had to do something quickly.

- "The baby's coming now!"- I announced the obvious, knowing the entire team was listening, and hoped for the best.

- "Look, man, your baby is about to be born. Now, we want to help you, but you need to put that weapon down."- Morgan tried to dialogue with Tanner, but it was impossible. He wasn't going to cooperate.

- "No! This is my child! I'm not leaving it!"- the unsub shouted, so I slowly moved closer, put on a pair of gloves, and took a deep breath staring at Mrs. Johnson, trying to get her to mimic my breathing.

- "Hannah, I need you to breathe deeply. Breathe deeply."-

I kneeled in front of her and did my best to look as confident as possible, though deep down I was so freaked out I was hoping I wasn't going to keep any memories of that moment.

- "Hannah, I need you to start pushing..."- I whispered, but she refused.

- "I can't."

- "Yes, you can, baby, just like with Jeremy."- the unsub tried to help, but she didn't want anything from him.

- "This is not helping!"- Hanna mumbled under her breath, she was in so much pain that I knew I had to find a way to get him away from her as soon as possible.

- "Tanner, you need to let her go. The stress isn't good for the baby. If Hannah doesn't start pushing now we could lose the child."- I commanded him, but he kept the knife against her neck and refused to move.

- "I have to watch him. I have to keep him safe."- he argued and stared at me as if I was a threat to the baby's security.

- "Like you did with Ashley?"- Derek caught his attention, which left me focused on the baby.

- "That was an accident. I didn't mean to."- Tanner mumbled

- "I know you didn't. Accidents happen. What happened with Jeremy was an accident, right?"- Derek continued talking, and I knew he had hit a very sensitive string in the unsub. It could only help us or put the baby's safety in jeopardy.

- "If I'd have been there I could have helped him."- Tanner was taken by those words and his whole shift. That was the key to helping Hanna. So I took advantage of his concern.

- "Guys, something's wrong."- I tried my best to look convincing. - "The umbilical cord is wrapped around the baby's throat."- I didn't want to trouble Hanna, but I had to do something.

- "No!"- Tanner yelled right away, as well as his poor wife.

- "Well, Reid, do something."- Morgan got it right away, and kept his eyes glued on Tanner as I continued lying.

- "I need something to cut the cord with, quickly!"

My words came as urgent as it was needed, and Tanner didn't hesitate to give me the knife to cut the cord. In two seconds, Morgan grabbed him and started taking him out of the room, as the unsub yelled and tried to fight back. Just then, (Y/N) walked in with JJ and Blake, and she quickly kneeled next to me.

- "Don't worry, Hannah, your baby's doing fine, but you need to keep pushing. Ready?"

- "Medics are on their way."- my wife announced, but I shook my head and continued doing my work.

- "We can't risk moving her now. We'll have to deliver the baby here."

- "Oh, God!"- Hanna yelled and (Y/N) quickly held her hand after putting a pillow underneath her back.

- "It's gonna be ok, Hanna, trust him, he is a doctor."- I looked at my wife for a second and though I knew she meant it as words of reassurance for the victim, they worked for me as well.

- "Come on! squeeze her hand as hard as you can and push"- I said and watched her struggle to do it.

- "Oh, I can't. I can't."

- "Yes, you can! You're doing great!"- (Y/N) said and rubbed Hanna's hand on her- "You are amazing!"

- "Yes! you're doing great. I can see the head! Keep pushing! Keep pushing!"

It didn't take much for the baby to come out. I held him in my hands, (Y/N) helped me cut the umbilical cord, and we wrapped him in a blanket that was lying around on a couch. Medics arrived and took care of Hanna while my wife held the newborn with tears in her eyes.

- "You are amazing Spencer."- she whispered as the two of us kept our eyes on the baby- "I can't believe you just did that."

- "I wouldn't have done it without you, ma cherie."- I replied and kissed her temple.

- "You are not delivering our babies, by the way."- she said after a few seconds and chuckled- "I'm gonna need all the epidural they can give me."

And just like that, the thought was inside my brain like a disease that wouldn't stop spreading. It wasn't like I hadn't thought about having babies with (Y/N). I had imagined a future with her in many ways possible. And that was exactly the point: at that moment in our lives, it was possible. And the overwhelming amount of things that could go wrong was impossible to overlook. They were there each time I looked at her.

Ever since we got married, the possibility of having kids has been present in our lives. We weren't officially trying, but I knew it was something we were both thinking about. And for a moment, it was perfect. Until I remembered there was a chance our kids could inherit my mother's schizophrenia. I know that disease tends to run in families, and though studies show there is no single gene to be responsible, the possibility of having kids with that disease was real. And I knew I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I ever put (Y/N) through any painful situation.

So I tried not to bring the subject up after we came back home, and for a few days, it worked. Until, well, it didn't.

(Y/N)'s point of view

I knew there was something wrong with Spencer as soon as we hopped back into the jet from Boston. He delivered that baby and something triggered him. I didn't want to pressure him, so I acted like a good wife and let him process the events at his own pace. I assumed it had something to do with the whole experience of delivering that kid and the fact we had talked a few times about having our own little family, but probably that whole moment had been eye-opening for him.

What if he didn't want to have kids anymore? What if he wasn't as ready as I felt? I was ready to quit taking the pill. I wanted to start trying to get pregnant. I wanted a little Spencer to love and take care of. Teach them all the things I knew. Watch them grow... I was fully ready to be a mom, and somehow I was scared to bring it up to Spencer. I was afraid he didn't want to anymore.

And then, the team made sure to force us into the conversation the Friday night we were all out together. We were at Rossi's favorite marine bar, the one he had brought my husband earlier in the week. Penelope and I gathered a bunch of people from the FBI and invited them over to say farewell to a piece of Washington's history. We also told them Rossi was buying the drinks, which explains why it was packed.

- "So, let's toast"- I said and raised my glass. The entire team and my husband were there with me, to enjoy our free night- "To spend more evenings together with family."

- "And to Dr. Spencer Reid, who may be adding M. D. to an already impressive list of credentials."- Hotch added, looking at my husband, who blushed, embarrassed.

- "And to Spencer Johnson, may he prove to be the child prodigy like his namesake."- Derek added- "I'm shocked there is a kid named after you out there before you two even have your first baby."

I know I smiled because little Spencer was a very cute and healthy baby, and I was (and still am) proud my husband helped deliver him. But the guys didn't stop teasing us after that.

- "And when are we going to have baby geniuses running around the BAU?"- Garcia asked- "I am ready to start knitting and spoiling your kids!"

- "Yeah, I'm surprised you haven't knocked your wife up already!"- and Morgan was on board with the joke- "I mean, are you doing things properly?"

- "Stop!!"- I nearly covered my ears with my hands

- "Emily said she'd happily fly from London just to assist with the baby shower I'm throwing you."

- "Penelope, I am not even pregnant yet."- I tried to reason with her, but it was useless.

- "You just said so, yet. But you will. Please! you'd make the cutest little munchkins!"- Garcia stared at me pouting.

- "Come on, don't pressure them."- Hotch tried to be the voice of reason, but it was impossible.

- "I'm sure Henry would love having a little cousin"- JJ smiled at us and sipped her drink.

- "Come on! This night is not about us."- Spencer chuckled, clearly awkward with the conversation, and raised his glass of whisky- "To Dave Rossi!"- and luckily, everybody else followed.

- "I still can't believe you guys did this."- Dave was surprised the place was packed

- "We wanted to make sure you had one last proper goodbye."- I assured him and felt his arm around me.

- "Grazzie, carissima!"

- "And I may or may not have posted on the Quantico message boards that all the drinks are on you tonight."- Garcia confessed, making us all laugh, busted.

- "And they are, indeed. Thank you very much!"- Dave added and we all raised our glasses again. The guys continued talking, but Spencer's eyes captured my whole attention. He was staring at his hands, holding his glass. He seemed concerned about something he clearly was overthinking. So I let David's arm go and walked closer to my husband.

- "Are you ok?"- I whispered, resting my hand on top of his. He slightly jumped and looked at me, surprised.

- "Yeah, sorry. I zoned out a little. I'm exhausted."

- "Do you wanna go home?"

- "No, it's Rossi's night..."- Spencer smiled with his teeth, but not with his eyes.

- "The guys..."- but before I could continue talking, I felt JJ's hand grabbing me and my husband and crawling us to the stage.

- "Come on guys!! Karaoke time!"- she commanded, as she gave us a mic, and Rossi started singing Billy Joey's "Piano Man". I looked around me, chuckling, 'cos the whole scene was surreal. The entire FBI quarters was in that bar, drinking and singing along as my friends and I sang karaoke. And Hotch even made a video.

Spencer held my hand as he tried to read the lyrics of The Piano Man, and I stared at him remembering the day he proposed. That was one of the most romantic things he had ever done. And watching him sing karaoke in that bar brought me back a million memories. We had grown so much already, that I felt we were ready to take our relationship to the next level: parenting. But somehow, I was scared to ask my husband if he wanted to have a baby with me.

As the night progressed, and Penelope got drunker and drunker, she continued to ask us about kids. She was very excited and eager to become an aunt. Apparently, our baby geniuses were what her life was lacking. Rossi was pretty drunk too, he sang a lot of Sinatra and even dragged Hotch on stage with him for a duet. I had a few whiskeys myself trying to find the courage to face my husband, who had a few drinks as well but kept doing his best to mask the fact something was bothering him.

Until I couldn't stand it anymore.

- "Ok, come here."- I grabbed Spencer's hand and dragged him through the crowd. I heard Morgan teasing us but I paid little attention to what he said. I just looked for a quiet spot in that packed bar, which ended up being the alley outside and asked my husband.

- "What is hunting that pretty brain of yours?"- and he stared at me with wide-opened eyes, trying to come up with something to deny what was obvious to me.

- "How much did you drink, chipmunk? I'm ok."

- "No you are not, you haven't been ok since we came back from the last case. So come on, spit it. I don't wanna dance around this for days until we both do something stupid or say something hurtful. Just say it, what is eating you alive?"

Spencer stared at me and finished his drink- a light beer- his eyes were so sweet and yet filled with fear. What was so scary that he couldn't share with me?

- "I hate that you know me so well sometimes"- he whispered and looked down at his shoes

- "No you don't. You love it."- I teased him and smiled as I walked closer and rested my hands on his waist- "Come on honey bunny. You know you can tell me anything."

- "I know."

- "So? Are you gonna tell your wife what's wrong?"- I whispered and Spencer finally looked at me. His puppy eyes could melt the coldest heart, and make my knees shake.

- "Let me ask you this"- he whispered after a few seconds of a very deep silence- "When you married me, did you ever think that my family's illness history might affect our kids?"

I stared at him confused. Which was that illness' history he was talking about? As far as I knew, it was just his mother's schizophrenia. Was there something else he never told me about?

- "What?"- I simply asked and Spencer stared at me like the answer was obvious- "You mean Diana?"- he nodded and looked back at his feet again, embarrassed he brought it up.

- "I just... can't stop thinking I could never forgive myself if our kids inherit any of..."- he stopped talking and shook his head, unable to even finish that sentence.

- "Where is this coming from? Why are you thinking about these kinds of things?"

I held his hand and kissed it, his eyes were still glued to his feet, not moving. A few curls of hair fell down his forehead, giving him an angelic look.

- "I never even considered it, Spencer. Not even once. Every time I think about our kids, I dream of them running around, catching bugs, and eating cookies"- I tell him my truth. I never considered Diana's schizophrenia as something we could even think about when it came to our kids. Why should we? You can't predict any disease and fear was not going to stop me from having my own family.

Spencer held my left hand and kissed my ring finger, a sweet gesture he did quite often, especially when something was troubling him.

- "I would never forgive myself if any of them inherited a disease from me."- the way Spencer whispered those words, so slowly, so scared. It moved me.

- "Honey, you won't..."

- "I just don't want to ruin their life"- his eyes filled with tears and his voice broke. My husband was honestly concerned about something that we couldn't even control. And I knew that meant that idea was eating him alive.

I remember walking with him from the back alley of a bar to our car parked on the other side of the street. It was late and everyone at the party was already drunk, so I didn't bother saying goodbye or telling anyone we were leaving.

Spencer and I sat in the back seat of our car and I held both of his hands as he kept trying not to cry. His jaw was tightened and his eyes glassy. It made me feel so guilty. My husband had been chewing those torturous thoughts the entire week, and I had been blind enough to think he was merely second-guessing having kids with me.

- "Spencer, I need you to look at me."- I whispered and held a finger underneath his chin, forcing his eyes to focus on mine. He bit his lip as I did my best to remain calm.

- "This is important, so please give your entire attention and eidetic memory."- I tried to joke, but he didn't smile or even move his face as I spoke.

- "Ever since I realized I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you, there hasn't been a day where I haven't thought of how amazing it would be having kids with you."- I said, and tears started falling from his eyes as I spoke. I had to pause and rearrange my thoughts, because watching him so affected made me think I was doing something wrong.

- "And you know that was way before we even started dating. Which means I've dreamed about having kids with you for a long time. And never, and I mean never, the thought of them inheriting any kind of trait from either of us has made me second guess or reconsider my dreams. I want a family with you, Spencer Walter Reid. I want to have your babies. I want to carry your children, a lot of them, as many as we can."

My husband cried and sobbed as I wrapped my arms around him and held him close to me. I didn't know what to do or what to say next. I just wanted to take all the pain away from him.

- "I just... I just want to make you happy."- he mumbled against my neck as I kept running my fingers through his hair and trying my best to be the support he needed at that minute.

- "You already make me happy, Spencer."- I kissed his cheek, not moving an inch away from him- "And I know our kids will make me even happier."

- "I just wish I knew they are going to be healthy."

- "They will be."- I assured him, not giving it much thought.

- "But how do you know?"

- "You are gonna be their dad. You will never let anything bad happen to them."- I affirmed, though it sounded more like an order to fate. - "And I'm gonna be their mom, I will always take care of our babies."

- "You are not scared?"- he asked softly and looked at me with teary eyes.

- "The only thing that scares me to death is the idea of you not wanting to have babies with me."- I confessed, and though he was the one crying, I felt embarrassed sharing my deepest fear.

- "I want so many babies with you. I've thought about it since we met."- my husband answered, and for a second, he smiled at me- "I was scared to bring it up, but... I'm so ready to be a dad."

- "Then please, let me make you a dad."- I was so eager to change his mood and lift his spirits, that I was almost ready to do it right there, in the back seat of our car. His lips found mine, and we sealed our pack, as his arms wrapped me tight and held me close to him.

We were finally ready to start our little family.  

Next chapter

[alittledizzy]

this a big ask and feel free to ignore but you seem like the right person to come to.

can you give like a dnf overview for those of us who know almost nothing but are sooo curious (minecraft? face reveal? queer?)(i follow for dnp lol)

Okay so... I'm gonna try and do a bullet point overview and for the purpose of not getting in the weeds I am not going into the controversies. I'll be happy to discuss that part - OFF anon.

Dream and George met on a Minecraft server when Dream was 16, George was 18/19 and became best friends.

When Dream decided to start youtube when he was 18, he asked George (and Sapnap) to come along with him. They both said yes.

In 2019, George started talking about moving to America. At the time Dream lived with his girlfriend, though they broke up by 2020. (George and the girlfriend did not get along. But that's also a whole other can of worms because she fucked Dream up pretty badly with consistent cheating and verbal/physical abuse.)

Plans for George to move to the US got more concrete and at some point over 2021 became him moving into a house with Dream and Sapnap.

Dream also came out multiple times in this general period of time. He came out in a post on reddit, on twitter, and on a stream. He does not explicitly state that he's bisexual, but he does explicitly state he isn't straight.

Sapnap had already moved in with Dream for Dream's protection since he was being swatted pretty regularly. Dream had plans for a face reveal but people were stalking and harassing him both to 'reveal' him and also because at this point the Kiwi Farms targeted attack on him had gained a lot of steam.

Speaking of: George used face cam pretty regularly, but Dream did not face reveal. Based on things he's said it seems pretty clear he was trying to lose weight but at some point set the goal of face revealing once George was in America because he wanted George to see his face before anyone else.

George applied for his Visa and would have had about a 6-9 month wait, and then was denied. He had to apply a second time, and wait another extended period of time, which put it September 2022 when his visa finally was approved. This means they'd known each other for seven years and he'd been trying to move to the US to live with Dream for three years at that point.

George arrived in the US and Dream posted his first video with a face camera on. George posted a vlog meeting Dream irl for the first time, which is a great starting point for a watch.

In terms of the ship stuff: they've always had a heavily flirtatious relationship and Dream is open about how attractive he finds George. They've acknowledging having a conversation about if they'd date or not.

Once in a while Dream will reiterate that they're not dating, and we know he spent 2023 having a variety of hookups but no confirmed relationships. (Which lines up with his long history of women that flirt with him complaining he'll be great to them and make them feel good but always says he doesn't want a relationship.)

2023 was pretty wild for them in terms of nonstop travel, events, and making very little content besides Dream's music. So far in 2024 we've seen a complete 180 of that and Dream and George have noy traveled at all, staying at home in Orlando together. (Sapnap has traveled and spent time in LA, but alone.)

This is partially due to controversy, I'm sure, but also seems to be just in line with a rededicating of themselves to Minecraft and content impending. They're working on a project that hopefully will come out soon.

Right now in terms of what they've publicly told us, they're just in the category of Super Not Normal About Each Other. Here are a few of the Not Normal things that are just fun from a shippy pov:

Before George moved, they were open about living most of their life on a call together. This includes sleep calling and staying on the phone while taking showers.

One of Dream's early videos was gifting his friends money to thank them for supporting him. He gave Sapnap and another friend $500 each. He gave George $5000.

Dream took 'am I in love with my best friend' quizzes on stream twice with George on the call and neither treated it quite like a joke.

Dream sent George an oversized Dream hoodie which George has worn repeatedly and even admitted to spraying with cologne before he'd put it on. Dream took pictures of George in the hoodie (a private call, not one fans were in on) and then later shared them saying they were the cutest pictures of George ever.

The first time we really got to see them interact irl at length was a stream they did around Christmas. Here's a supercut that just really shows the vibe between them.

Initially in late 2022 Dream was wearing a very specific chain. At some point in January 2023, George started wearing that chain (the specific one Dream used to wear) and has not been spotted without it since.

At one of his concerts Dream described George as a friend he just met a year ago that he's so in love with.

The entire song Spotlight which everyone immediately associated with George, to George's embarrassment and pride.

And there's obviously way more... but I feel like this is a good starter kit for Them.

[mrs-stans]

Meet Sebastian Stan, the actor who plays Donald Trump in The Apprentice

From Gossip Girl to Marvel Studios, to more independent productions: Sebastian Stan's career has been a roller coaster ride. During his visit to the Deauville American Film Festival, Vogue met the actor, who at 42 years old won a Hollywood Rising-Star Award.

BY LOLITA MANG

On October 9, Sebastian Stan will be Donald Trump in The Apprentice. Some know him for his role as Carter Baizen in Gossip Girl. Others, for that of the Winter Soldier in Marvel productions. But recently, the American actor, of Romanian origin, has ventured into more independent fiction, which sheds a new light on his career. At the Deauville American Film Festival, he came to present A Different Man by Aaron Schimberg, in which he plays Edward, a young disabled actor who decides to change his appearance to, he believes at the time, improve his life. On the contrary, this transformation marks the beginning of his fall. An antagonist role such as he has long played on our screens, and which he continues in The Apprentice, presented in May 2024 at the Cannes Film Festival, and directed by filmmaker Ali Abbasi. So many elements that made us want to talk with the 42-year-old actor during his visit to Normandy, where he was awarded the Hollywood Rising-Star Award. As proof of the new direction taken in his career, today considered by the proponents of European cinema, perhaps, let's confess, more snobbish than their American compatriots.

Vogue. Gossip Girl, The Covenant, The Apprentice or even Captain America: The Winter Soldier … Your filmography is full of antagonists!

Sebastian Stan: A lot of things came to me, other roles, I pursued them. What I am certain of is that I never wanted just one type of role. I wouldn't go so far as to say that I refuse the more traditional hero roles, which I also find very interesting, even difficult in some ways. But it's true, I've always been curious about the idea of playing complex characters, full of flaws. Sometimes, they are the antagonists. Often even! What interests me in human nature is the duality. We can be extremely good to each other, as we can become horribly evil. Life is more complex than that, there are not good guys on one side, and bad guys on the other. Each of us is capable of the best as well as the worst. The antagonists, in my films, offered a great potential for acting that I enjoyed exploring.

Even Edward, your character in A Different Man, seems consumed by envy.

Probably the most complicated character I've ever played! But he's still so realistic in so many ways. I was just talking about this: I hope a lot of people get a chance to see this movie because it's really about acceptance and truth. Someone asked me what I think are the most important human characteristics. I said: values, the relationship we have with ourselves, and how we treat others. When I look at younger generations growing up today, especially with social media, people are almost forced to be followers. Fewer and fewer people are brave enough to express their voices in a unique way to fight against conformity. When you look at a character like Edward, you understand that better. We've all lied to ourselves at some point in our lives. We've all wanted things we couldn't have. We've all envied the person next to us. I wouldn't go so far as to say that this film is a fable, but it has this ability to make us look inside ourselves, and ask ourselves: "What makes me different?" Rather than trying to be things that we are not.

For the first time, with A Different Man, you are putting on the producer's shoes. Why?

I found myself much more invested in the film. It was a very unique experience, which I had not anticipated, I must admit. When I met Aaron Schimberg, the director, at the very beginning of the process, we formed a great connection, and we tried to sell the film together here and there. He welcomed me with open arms in this collaboration, included me in all the conversations about the feasibility of the project. For example, I was the one who suggested that he watch the film Julie (in 12 chapters) because I think Renate Reinsve is incredible in it. I was even able to help with the prosthetics that are used in the film, as well as on the shooting. Let's be honest: it was a complicated shoot, to do in a very short time. Only about twenty days. As an actor, I worked harder, I didn't count my hours. As a producer, I helped Aaron Schimberg make the film as he had in mind. I learned a lot from A Different Man, that's for sure.

Does this mean you're going to try it again?

Oh yes! There are several projects that I have my eye on at the moment… But it’s very difficult to make films, which you probably know here in France. A film like A Different Man, honestly, if A24 studios hadn’t intervened, I’m not sure we would have managed to make it. The United States is not like France or the rest of Europe: there is not the same support allocated to the film industry from institutions. There are no dedicated funds, it’s up to you to manage on your own. When you fight for a film, in addition to playing in it as an actor, it’s both exhausting, but terribly rewarding.

It’s a role for which you were awarded a prize at the Berlinale , and tonight, you’re going to receive a Hollywood Rising-Star Award here in Deauville. At 42! That’s joyful!

I know! I'm a 42-year-old emerging actor, I should say that in my speech... The thing with this industry is that you're constantly growing. It's true, I'm 42, but for the first time, I feel like I'm learning very important things, that I wish I had known much earlier! It was a strange year for me, between the Berlinale, the Cannes Film Festival, Deauville ... For my two films, The Apprentice and A Different Man, I felt real support from the European festivals, very prestigious ones at that. It was very special for me who had never experienced that before. And then I have immense respect for European cinema, which for me is synonymous with real work and authenticity. Here, if people don't like the films, they're not afraid to say so! So that my films have been so well received here, it means a lot.

You are European yourself, you grew up between Austria and Romania…

That’s right. I lived in Romania for the first eight years of my life, and then in Vienna for four years. Coming to the United States in the mid-1990s was a turning point in my life. There, I had opportunities that I would never have had in Romania. That’s why I’m so interested in the idea of the American dream, which is reflected in many of my films. A Different Man and The Apprentice both explore it, in their own way. I think the central question of both of those works is: “When is enough enough? How far can we go to get what we want? Why do we always want to win?” Coming from Europe, where the philosophy is almost the opposite of that, helped me in many ways. I don’t know if I would have approached my roles in the same way.

In A Different Man , you don't speak much, but the physicality of the role is evident. How did you work on it?

Luckily, I was there from the beginning of the shoot. Our makeup artist, Michael Marino , who was working multiple shoots at the same time, would put the prosthetics on me very early in the morning. So I had this time before the shoot where I would walk around the streets of New York with this face that is not mine, and see the reactions of the people around me. It was scary, and enriching in many ways. It helped me understand what it meant to live in the shoes of a man like Adam Pearson, because I wouldn't have been able to realize it otherwise. Adam was very honest with me and talked to me a lot about his experiences, which helped me a lot. And then as an actor, I myself live this strange phenomenon of being recognized on the street every day. I don't have a private life. I sometimes feel like I'm some kind of public property: people can film me and do pretty much whatever they want.

Let’s talk a little bit about the Donald Trump you play on The Apprentice . How does one prepare for such a role?

Playing a real person has its pros and cons. The advantage, with people as famous as him, is the amount of archives available. Videos, articles, documentaries… you have plenty to study the character! But there is a problem: you have to find a place to insert yourself, as an actor. A real challenge, which I like to welcome without really knowing if I will succeed. That is part of the problem that faces me! But that is precisely the reason that makes me want to take on this kind of challenge. Telling myself that I can't do something only redoubles my desire to succeed. When you play a completely fictional character like Edward, it is up to you to build his story. How did he get there? That is what I am constantly looking for.

The Apprentice by Ali Abbasi with Sebastian Stan and Jeremy Strong, from October 9, 2024 in theaters.

A Different Man by Aaron Schimberg with Sebastian Stan, Adam Pearson and Renate Reinsve, coming soon.

[lastminutestarwarsfan]

Its honestly so painful to me, the sheer amount of turmoil that Anakin has experienced in his life. If you really sit down and think about what he's been through, he truly is one of the most tragic characters in fiction.

Born a slave to a single mother on a backwater, forgotten, barren world with no opportunities (Sidenote as much as we laugh at the "I don't like sand" meme, it actually is a meaningful line. He hates that world, that life, wants to put it behind him. Can't help but think of the mother he abandoned there)

Forced to choose between freedom and leaving his mother to her fate. A ridiculous amount of pressure to put on a 9 year old

Loses the only father figure he's had, and ultimately the only person to truly show faith in him, almost immediately after finding him

Becomes a burden and disappointment to a reluctant, inexperienced master (Before you come at me, I ADORE Obi-Wans and Anakins relationship. I love their banter, and I truly think they loved one another ridiculously and my heart breaks at what they became. But I do think that Anakin felt like a burden and disappointment sometimes. Especially at the beginning, Obi-Wan only really takes him on out of duty to Qui-Gon, it wouldn't have been his own choice. He didn't believe in him the way Qui-Gon did. And because Obi himself was grieving and young and inexperienced, he didn't have the confidence to guide Anakin the way he should have. He falls back on the rules too much, after bending them to take him on in the first place. He's too strict with him, too harsh. He doesn't tell him how much he loved him until it's too late, which just adds to the angst)

Is constantly told that he needs to let go of his attachment to his mother whilst being plagued my dreams of her death.

Watches his mother die in his arms with the knowledge if only he could have done something sooner he could have saved her (and this is the moment I think, pivotally, that his capacity for the dark side becomes real. Not the moment when he kills the Tuscans in anger just after. But in this quiet moment of death. The moment that voice in his head starts burrowing like a worm "Not enough, more, better, faster, stronger". If he could just burn hotter, brighter, push harder, then no one else would die.)

Is thrust into a war at 19

Is entrusted with a 14 year old apprentice at 20. Loves her like family only to watch the order he gave up everything for, the order that let his mother die, the order that is the reason he cannot have a normal life with his wife, drive his little sister away from him.

Plagued to madness by visions of his wife dying. Goes insane to try to save her only to be her own downfall. Is cut into pieces and left to burn alive by his brother. Suffers excruciating pain being pieced back together. Is forced to live with the knowledge that he led to the love of his life's death, where every breath is a reminder of the monster he has become.

Becomes increasingly aware that his new master, the only person he has left, the person he betrayed everyone for, the person he trusted in his times of need and thought understood him, would toss him away without a second thought and replace him with Luke.

That smile when he takes off the mask and looks at Luke in Return of the Jedi means so much. It's so pure, and light and carefree for those few seconds. The first time we've ever seen him truly at peace. He is finally free from the pain.

[inukag-archive]

Inuvember 2023 Part 1

In honor of @inuvember InuKag Day, the Archive Mods have put together a 30 item InuKag recommendation list: one InuKag fic per prompt. Since this list is longer than our usual, we've split it into two parts. Enjoy!

Day 1 Inuyasha

I Hate That Fucking Well by @kstewdeux (M)

Post-manga. Inuyasha POV. Inuyasha's inner thoughts and monologues. Rated M for fucking language

Day 2 Kagome

Cinnamon Hearts by @fandomobsessions016 (M)

"So, you may be wondering, what’s this story about anyway? Well, I’ll tell you. It’s about how this queen, almost lost her crown, her throne, but worst of all… it’s about how this queen almost lost her king…

Hindsight, of course, has perfect vision, but at the time I did not. I was a girl becoming a woman who fought bitterly against change that was inevitable. I didn’t want to open my eyes. I didn’t want to see what was right in front of me.

What I wanted more than anything was to keep Inuyasha.

High school forced my eyes open, tested our “unshakable” bond and made me confront my biggest fear. All because…

I caught feelings for my best friend.

I like-liked my king."

Day 3 Sango

Forever Home by KittyKatz (M)

How long had he roamed the earth in a form that was not his? Beaten, dirty and caged, he finds one last bit of fortune when she comes to rescue him from this place. But his road to redemption will not be easy. And he will find, that no matter how the world has changed, his old enemy remains. And this time, they plan to destroy him once and for all.

Day 4 Miroku

Under the Northern Lights by @lostinfantasyworlds (E)

Kagome Higurashi has her dream job, working as a photographer for the internationally well-known Yugen magazine. Her career whisks her all around the world, leaving her feeling lonely sometimes but mostly just incredibly grateful to be doing what she loves. When she gets assigned to Alaska for a month to photograph a series of celestial events, she runs into Inuyasha, a half-demon who lives on his own in the middle of nowhere. A mutual attraction draws them to each other, but Kagome's time there is limited. Will giving in to their desire lead to love or heartbreak?

Day 5 Shippo

Oh, But You're Good To Me by @witchygirl99 (E)

It’s a terrible photo, really. The action figure takes up the entire bottom of the screen and part of both of their faces. Shippo’s giggling though, eyes shut and crinkled in his mirth while Inuyasha looks at him. His expression is clearly fond. It’s the softest Inuyasha has ever, ever seen himself.

This is fatherhood, he thinks a little wildly.

He sends the photo to Kagome.

Inuyasha is a single father. Shippo is his adopted son. Kagome isn't supposed to be in the picture, but somehow, she returns anyways. A story about family, love, and all of its obstacles.

Day 6 Sesshomaru

Whispers in the Wind by @ruddcatha (G)

It has been 500 years since Kagome jumped back down the well to be with Inuyasha. A messenger waits to see her family, and is joined by a surprising guest.

Day 7 Rin

My Life Before You by @len-barboza (E) -- based on a story by Mizune-mei

No English language summary provided. Inuyasha había vivido la mayoría de su vida huyendo, un huérfano medio demonio considerado por la gente una aberración, rechazado por demonios y por humanos, pero quien pensaría que esa era una mejor vida, al menos un propósito lo movía; sobrevivir, que sucede con un hanyo con una vida longeva, en completa soledad.

Day 8 Kikyou

Stolen Soul by Kimberly-A (T)

COMPLETE Kikyo uses a spell to exchange bodies with Kagome, leaving Kagome stuck in the dead shell and Kikyo comfortably human. In the aftermath, Inu-Yasha faces difficult choices. InuKag, not very Kikyo-friendly.

Day 9 Koga

A New Moon, A New Start by @pinestripes (T)

Kouga visits the village near the Sacred Tree. On this particular evening, he finds that a certain half-demon is more on edge than usual.

Day 10 Kagura

The Portal Between Worlds by @neutronstarship (E)

Ten years ago, a portal transported Inuyasha from the demon realm to the human realm. Now a half-demon alone in a world he doesn't understand, he will do anything to get home. When Onigumo brings him a book with all the answers, Inuyasha pushes aside his misgivings and works with the man. He just wants to get home, after all.

Kagome just wants to make an extra buck (and find demons), much to Kikyo’s chagrin. That is why she published Demons Among Us! after all. But strange things start happening when she puts the book online. As if people are using it to open the portals that it hypothesized… When Kagura and Sango join the fray, the stakes grow higher as they try to find the source of the portals.

When Inuyasha encounters Kagome, fate is not what it seems. Not one, but two realms are in danger for their survival. What happens when the final portal opens and an unknowable terror is unleashed? Can the Demon Hunters save the world?

Day 11 Naraku

You Rescued Me by @keizfanfiction (E)

Maybe it was fate that he decided to take the back way home that night, but whatever the reason, Inuyasha was grateful for arriving just in the nick of time to rescue a waif of a woman who had clearly been through hell. He never would have imagined that she would end up rescuing him, too.

Day 12 Band of Seven

Delicate by @akitokihojo (T)

To trust someone, to let them in, what an unsettling ordeal. Kagome is easy and safe, and Inuyasha is difficult and guarded. She can put him at ease with a smile, simultaneously setting him on edge. It was nothing until it was something, creating absolute chaos and uncertainty within the both of them.

Day 13 Jinenji/ Shiori

How Does Your Garden Grow? by @dawnrider (M)

An Ingary-esque AU: Kagome, the newest generation of caretakers of the Higurashi House, finally starts to feel like her garden and business is thriving with the help of her friend Jinenji. Their routine is thrown off by the arrival of an injured visitor who does not want to be found...

Day 14 Toga

Taisho School of Acting: A Quick Guide by @jeremymarsh (G)

“Excuse me, what?” Kagome looked at her best friend with eyes as big as saucers, lips parted, and her mind replaying what he had said a moment before – trying to find a sense but to no avail. “You heard me.” Inuyasha scowled, looking down, arms crossed and lips pouting, just like he did every time he didn’t like the topic at hand. The problem was he had started it this time. “Yeah, I did.” Kagome shook her head and inhaled deeply before she continued. “And that’s why I’m asking you to repeat yourself since I’m having problems believing that certain sentences left your mouth.” “I said,” Inuyasha started through clenched teeth, still not meeting her gaze, “come to my family Christmas dinner this Sunday.” He stopped, ran a hand through his silver mane, closed his eyes, murmured something unintelligible and then added: “As my girlfriend.”

Where Inuyasha tries to fool his parents and miserably fails.

Day 15 Izayoi

The Silence of Daisies by Fierywenchxo (T)

Inuyasha shares with Kagome one of the biggest secrets he's ever kept. One-shot.

READ PART (2) HERE

[vbecker10]

please please please, could you make write loki one shot with pure angst, like heart-aching angst, maybe guilt feelings or something, with minor comfort in the end. my life had been numb lately, I need to feel something. (and would you mind if you put me in your loki taglist, I would really appreciate it if you did 🙏)

Hey @lokidbadguy! I'm sorry you're feeling like this, I hope this helps. I tried to make it as angsty as possible.

You Don't Trust Me?

Pairing: Loki x female reader

Warnings: arguing, angst, feelings of guilt, controlling boyfriend, accusations of cheating, fighting, no happy ending

Summary: Loki is furious when he finds out you are still hanging out with Bucky despite him telling you he didn't want you to. You push back, telling him he can't control who you speak to which leads to a heated argument and Loki saying something he will regret. He tries to apologize that night but when he finds you, you aren't alone.

"I told you, I do not want you alone with him," Loki says loudly as he slams the door to his apartment.

You walk to the middle of his living area, then turn to face him with your arms crossed. Loki was furious after finding you watching a movie in the common area with Bucky.

"You can't tell me who I can and can't be friends with," you argue back. He walks towards you angrily but you don't move, for better or worse you've decided this is the last time you are having this argument with Loki.

"Why can't you just do this one thing that I ask of you?" Loki demands to know.

"Because you never asked, you ordered," you say back and he rolls his eyes. "I'm not some servant in the palace that you can just give commands to. I'm your girlfriend Loki."

"Are you sure you would not prefer to be his girlfriend?" he asks in a harsh tone and you feel like screaming.

"Ugh! We've been over this a dozen times, Bucky and I are just friends," you tell him. "We went on one date over a year ago. I didn't even know you then," you remind him.

"I've seen the way he looks at you, the way he makes excuses to touch you," he says as he stands directly in front of you. "He wants to be more than your friend, Y/N, and you are a fool to keep pretending otherwise," he adds.

"Don't call me a fool," you say angrily.

"Then do not act like one," he counters.

"I'm not!" you say loudly. "It's not my fault you don't know what it's like to have friends," you say and Loki clenches his jaw.

He takes a step back and steadies himself with a deep breath before he says, "I will say this one last time Y/N... you can have friends but I do not want you to spend time alone with Barnes."

You put your hands over your face in frustration and sit heavily on the couch. You fight back tears but you can't let the argument end here. You need Loki to understand that your friendship with Bucky wasn't a threat to him.

You look up, wiping your eyes and see him walking towards his bedroom. "Loki..." you say, your voice breaking. He pauses at his doorway, one hand gripping the door frame. He doesn't turn to face you but he stands there, waiting for you to continue.

"We've been together almost 9 months and we've had this argument so many times," you say, he still doesn't turn but you can see him nod in agreement.

You stand up and play with your fingers nervously. "Loki, listen to me, please," you plead and he looks at you over his shoulder before finally turning to face you.

"Bucky is just a friend, nothing more. He isn't interested in me and even if he was it wouldn't matter to me. I don't want to be with him or anyone else," you tell him, walking slowly towards him as he keeps his eyes on you.

You take a deep breath and say, "I love you, Loki. I would never cheat on you or betray you. I don't want to ever hurt you..." you wipe away your tears again and ask, "Don't you trust me?"

Without a moments hesitation Loki answers, "No."

"No...?" you ask, taking a step backwards in shock. He looks away from you and you can feel your heart breaking in an instant. "You don't... you don't trust me?"

He turns away from you, walks into his bedroom and closes the door without another word. Unable to move, you stand in the middle of his living area, feeling your tears flowing freely down your cheeks. Your world has just been shattered by one word but you refuse to believe that's true.

You slowly take a step forward then another and another until you are inches from his door. You knock lightly and say, "Loki, please," but there is no answer.

You take a step back then close your eyes tightly as you come to the realization that your relationship is over.

You walk through the living area, pausing for a moment when you see a picture on the end table. You pick up the photo of you and Loki smiling, he stands behind you with his arms wrapped around your waist. You touch the picture lightly, remembering that day at the boardwalk several months ago.

You had spent all day there, showing him the boardwalk games and all the different types of food. When the sun began to set, you went down to the beach and walked along the water. You felt him watching you as you looked up at the full moon and when you looked back at him he smiled. He pulled you close to him, one hand on your lower back as his other hand stroked your cheek lightly. He leaned down and kissed you softly before telling you he loved you for the first time.

You could still feel his arms holding you and it was suddenly too much. How could this be how it ends, you think to yourself. How could Loki say he loved you if he never trusted you? You had never done anything to break his trust, you were always honest and faithful to him. Your sadness begins to mix with anger as you throw the picture frame against the wall.

You walk quickly from the apartment and slam the door shut.

"Y/N, what happened?" Bucky asks as he opens his door. You are unable to answer him as you cry uncontrollably.

"Come in," he urges, taking a step back so you can enter. You walk in and take a seat on the end of his couch. You pick up one of his pillows and hold it against yourself tightly, burying your face in it.

"Y/N, what's wrong? Did Loki... did he hurt you?" he asks, his voice full of worry. The last time Bucky had seen you, Loki had demanded you go with him to his apartment.

You shake your head no but you still can't answer him. He sits next to you, putting his metal arm around you. "Take a deep breath and tell me what happened," he says in a calm voice.

You nod then close your eyes, taking a deep breath. You slowly tell Bucky about the fight you and Loki had and he listens in silence.

"I'm so sorry Y/N," he says when you finish.

"Its not your fault," you say quietly as he hands you a tissue.

"It feels like it is. I didn't want to come between you and Loki, I know how much you love him," he says and you know he means it.

"I think you were just his excuse," you tell him. Before you can tell him what you mean there is a loud knock on his door and you know exactly who it is.

You shake your head and hold the pillow tighter. Bucky gets up to answer the door, opening it only half way.

"Is she here?" Loki asks and Bucky doesn't answer. "She's not in her room, I just want to make sure she's alright," he says and you hear the concern in his voice.

"She's not alright," Bucky says without moving from the doorway. He crosses his arms, "You should leave, she doesn't want to talk to you."

"I need to speak with her," Loki says, his voice lower this time.

"I told you, she doesn't want to talk to you," he repeats.

There is a pause then you hear Loki say, "Please Barnes, I just need a moment. I don't want to lose her."

Bucky turns towards you as if asking if he should let Loki in. You wipe your eyes and nod. Bucky takes a step back and let's Loki into his apartment before closing the door. Bucky sits next to you protectively and Loki stands in front of you. He doesn't look at you, he keeps his eyes fixed on the floor in front of him while he fidgets with his fingers.

He stands there silently and it takes everything in you not to jump off the couch and hug him. You want to forgive him and tell him you love him but you keep hearing the word 'no' echo in your mind. He doesn't trust you, your mind says over and over.

You sit up, keeping the pillow on your lap and you say, "You wanted to talk... fine. I'll go first."

He nods quietly, waiting for you to speak.

"You don't love me Loki," you say and he looks up slowly, his eyes full of tears. He shakes his head and take a step towards you. "How could you possibly love me if you can't trust me?"

"Y/N..." he says and you can see how hurt he is. "I do love you, more than anything but I... everyone I have ever trusted lied to me and betrayed me."

"But I never did," you tell him as you stand up. "The only thing I did was refuse to let you ruin a friendship I've had for three years because of one date before you and I met."

Loki looks from you to Bucky and back to you. "I know..." he says, "I know that I should have trusted you. I never meant to push you away from me this way. I was afraid you would leave me and now you will."

You stand in front of Loki and gently take one of his hands in yours. He wipes away the tears running down your cheek. "Loki," you say quietly. "I don't want to end this but... I can't be with someone who doesn't trust me."

He shakes his head and you feel your heart breaking all over again. "I love you and I don't want to hurt you, I never wanted to hurt you," you tell him.

"Please don't do this," Loki says, you can hear his voice shaking.

You let go of his hands and take a step back, "You did this Loki."

@michelleleewise @ace-of-gay @high-functioning-lokipath @poetic-fiasco @soubi001 @lokisninerealms @lulubelle814 @lovingchoices14 @justasecretwriter @theaudacitytowrite @klaushargreeves420 @coffeeorsomething-irl @lokisgoodgirl @xorpsbane @avoliax @talesofadragon @lokiandbuckysdoll @animnerd @juulle987 @lokiprompts @javagirl328 @kats72 @lokisasgardianvampirequeen @mochie85 @princess-asgard @holdmytesseract @lokixryss @peaches1958 @lokidbadguy

Let me know if you want to be taken off or added to this list! 💚

[pinktoonie]

Haven't seen anyone talk about this so I will because to me it seems like the biggest obstacle in Rei and Kazuki's relationship and an important through line in the show.

Here comes a long, unpolished post.

As far as Miri goes, the family unit has been established and the two dads are settling in and relaxing into their roles almost a year into having Miri. Ep 7, 8, and 9 established that Kazuki, Rei, and Miri in that order respectively are in this family thing for life 100%.

But we still have 4 episodes left.

Obviously angst is coming, but along with that, Kazuki and Rei still need to address this barrier between them.

Listen to me. These lines from episode 3 have been nagging me since they were first said. They're IMPORTANT.

"I won't ask."

"I wouldn't tell."

The context here is Rei and Kazuki talking about their pasts. Whenever Kazuki brings up a tidbit about his past, Rei will agree if it also applies to him, but he will not elaborate, and Kazuki won't ask him to. Kazuki knows the gist about Rei's family. Who they are and what they do. He doesn't know how badly Rei was/is treated. He can see the scars. I doubt he's ever brought them up though.

"I won't ask."

"I wouldn't tell."

It's a constant in their relationship. But this lack of communication is problematic for two people who have decided to spend their lives together and raise a child.

Here's another example from episode 8

Rei here is bleeding from his forearm. The show even has him pose in a way to show us that it's clearly within Kazuki's line of sight.

But Kazuki doesn't ask. Because Rei wouldn't tell.

However concerned he may be, he doesn't bring it up. He doesn't know where Rei was that night or why he's injured. He can assume it had something to do with his family, which should be worrying in itself. Kazuki is endlessly patient and understanding, but that's not fair to him.

The show even makes it a point to bring this issue up again in the same episode:

So where do we go from here?

There will need to be a moment in the show, where Kazuki WILL ask, and Rei WILL tell.

Or Rei will just open up on his own without prompting. What Rei will tell Kazuki, we don't know, but it'll be something that matters. Something important.

What could it be?

My predictions:

Rei opens up about his past abuse in detail to Kazuki to fully make him understand what his father is capable of (because of the upcoming danger)

Kazuki gives Rei some sort of ultimatum, which results in Rei admitting something, whether that's "I love you", "I need you", or some sort of confirmation that he has no intention of leaving Kazuki's side, not just Miri.

They just have a moment where they open up to each other just because they're simply changing and comfortable enough to talk about the past now. "You didnt matter much to me" is the closest we've gotten.

A "what are we?" convo.

Regardless of the reason, narratively it will have to happen before Rei and Kazuki can move forward with their relationship, whatever that entails. But this lack of communication and vulnerability with each other is what's holding them back.

Lastly, this may be completely unrelated because the show is set in Japan but still caught my eye.

"I won't ask."

"I wouldn't tell."

Sounds a hell of a lot like the old, "Don't ask, don't tell" policy in the USA, which basically stated that non heterosexual members of the military must keep their damn mouth shut about their sexuality. No openly queer people.

Which if we apply it to Rei and Kazuki's unclear partnership... Fitting.

And also considering Rei's homophobic ass speech about carrying on the family and Kazuki sullying Rei's blood (which literally implies he thinks they're sleeping together because the only way to "sully blood" is through sexually transmitted infections), seems like the organization might've also had a sort of, don't ask don't tell policy.

I'm sure I've missed stuff, but these are the points that have been stuck in my brain. All in all, whatever this important thing that Rei will tell Kazuki is, it'll be the catalyst for taking their relationship to the next level of "partnership."

[naviculariis]

Okay so. Serious post time. I'm gonna put this entire thing under a cut, but I'm also gonna post some TWs here: medical malpractice, uncertain diagnoses, family trauma / drama, grief, anxiety rambles???

But I am gonna take like. A semi-hiatus, just so I can catch up on what I owe.

I haven't talked about this over here, or on Tumblr in general. Only one person who follows me here knows about this bc we're friends on another platform.

So.

Y'all have noticed, my days don't follow a set schedule. I've been unemployed since my campus suddenly closed with very little warning back in '22. Immediately after that closing, we took a small trip to MS to be with family for Christmas, and that trip was... Bad. And on the 1st of last year, I had an accident- i was taking down Christmas lights and fell and busted open my head. I had an untreated, late diagnosed concussion thar no one really... followed up on, and have had slight memory loss even now from it.

So I couldn't work until my head healed up from that.

But that's not the medical thing. That is my mother. In October 2021, my mother went in for a routine stint placement that resulted in loss of almost total blood flow to her left leg for 36 hours. They almost had to amputate, she almost died on the table twice, she was hospitalized for a year. ( we've tried the legal route, but because the doctor never admitted fault on paper, he cannot be held liable & suing hospitals is... Difficult. Even though she has permanent damage, can no longer feel anything below the knee, and has to wear a brace to walk. ) My mother already had a weak heart to begin with due to years of smoking + cardiac disease. This was the first nail, essentially. This damaged her heart... a lot.

Back to the concussion. 4 days after my concussion, she had a massive heart attack that nearly killed her. She flatlined twice on the table. It was after this that we got confirmation that she is in congestive heart failure. My grandfather died from it. It's

... It's hard. We don't know which stage she's in because her cardiologist won't tell us, but we think she's in stage 2, or maybe 3. We don't know. But because of this, I am the one who takes care of 95% of everything around the house & outside. I do lawncare, I do the planting, I do the garden. She can do a lot, still, but when her heart gets going- it's painful. So I've been her caretaker since 2021 when the initial accident happened.

My grandmother is nearly 90 and has... Many health problems but somehow is also doing better than most folks I know. She's a mystery. And my aunt had a double knee surgery but somethings wrong with her knees, and they think the surgeries rejected, so she can't get around well or drive longer than an hour away. My grandmother no longer drives & isn't renewing her license. My mother can drive, but we don't want her to unless ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY.

So I'm the only one who can drive them around.

I have my own medical issues [ anxiety, depression, type 1 diabetes, cracked tailbone that never got treatment & is giving me hell for that- ]

So. Basically. A lot of my time isn't my time. And when I do have free time, I do try to write and chat as much as I can. At night, after I get mom to bed, I call my partner warner and we get a few hours together and then we have to go to sleep bc we're in a ldr & their timezone is an hour ahead of mine.

... I'm rambling.

It's just. It's hard sometimes. And a lot of the time I sort of sit on my back porch and cry because I'm doing this- physically- alone. Literally everyone else is 4+ hours away across the state. Or 9 hours south on the Gulf Coast, or 7 hours south in Louisiana.

I do try to stay on top of things the best I can, I really really do, but things slip through my fingers. I'm gonna try my best to get all caught up over this coming week, I think. But if my responses are delayed for threads, for discord messages- chances are, I'm busy with one of my lil ol' ladies.

On top of all of this, I live in a town of less than 900, the nearest city is 45 minutes in any direction, and the nearest BIG city is 2+ hours in any direction. Finding a job that isn't in Healthcare is impossible. And I have nothing against those who are in healthcare- I applaud you. But all of my trauma can be tied back to hospital ERs and any time I step foot into a hospital, I immediately have anxiety & can only hear the night we learned about my dad. So I physically cannot force myself to go into that field.

Which is... a whole other thing, this is getting too long. But I've been searching for a job for the past year and a half, have had 5 interviews, each one ended with "thanks for interviewing! However,". It's hard.

So I just.

My plate is a lil bit full. But I love writing. I love the rpc. It'sa comfort and a joy and I love meeting new friends and making new connections and I want to do this as long as I can but sometimes things get a little slow. That's all.

... anyways yeah. Semi hiatus. Cool.

[sebsdaniel]

12 Questions about F1 through the years

I was tagged by @twinkodium Thank you sm girl! This one's my fave so far <3

I tag whoever wants to do this in F1blr <3

1. Who or what got you into F1?

My dad. He grew up in a racing/car family and automatically transfered that love to me when I was just five days old and he held me up in the hospital to show me the German GP of 1999 on TV. We always joke I've watched F1 since I was born, which is no lie. Since then, we've seen almost every race together. We've also gone to 15 F1 GPs together.

2. Who was the very first F1 driver you supported? Do you support them now? Have your opinions on them differed or stayed the same since then?

Michael Schumacher. My dad is a Jenson Button fan and he's convinced I started supporting Schumi just to annoy him. I don't fully remember why I chose Michael, but my best guess is I fell in love with the red car that kept winning. I love him still and still hope he gets better someday.

3. Who’s your current favourite F1 driver?

After 16 years of supporting Sebastian Vettel, I ended up supporting Max Verstappen in 2023. My dad's been supporting him ever since his debut, and made him his main since Jenson retired. However, I didn't get there that quickly. I adored Max when he began F1. Got annoyed with him a lot in 2018 and 2019 when he kept having run ins with Seb (fave bias I guess), but once 2020 I grew to adore him and in 2021 I fell in love. He'll never reach the same level for me as Seb did in my heart (he's my hero after all, since I was 6), but I love him sm already.

4. Is there a driver pairing or pairings you support? What made you attracted to that pairing in the first place?

I love so many F1 duo's, but my two faves are Sebastidan and Lestappen.

Sebastidan got me out of my high school depression phase in 2017. I remember feeling extra down when Seb lost his chance at the title that year in Japan. I was so frustrated and watched video's of them as teammates the whole day. I've adored them since and while they aren't a fanfavorite, I can't help but enjoy the bits and pieces we still get from them.

Lestappen. I got into them last year during their - sadly short - title fight. The history they have, the connection, is something so unique. They also seem to become better friends with each passing month. I'd love to see them as teammates someday.

5. Do your parents, siblings or relatives have a favourite team and/or favourite driver(s)?

Dad's a Max and RB fan. He hates Mercedes and especially Toto. His past faves are Senna, Hill and Jenson. Mom has watched F1 since she's been with dad (1985), but never got into it. She always liked Nico Rosberg though!

6. Do you have any favourite races? Are there any that stand out to you the most?

Belgium 2014 as it was my first live GP. Belgium 2018 as it was the first time I saw Seb win live. Abu Dhabi 2012, which was epic Abu Dhabi 2021, I'll never forget that day Brazil 2008, it was mind blowing.

And probably many more!

7. Do you have a favourite circuit? Can be from the past or from the current calendar.

Spa. It's my home track which I've been visiting since I was a toddler. And Zolder, for the same reasons.

I also adore the Red Bull Ring, Yas Marina circuit and Monza.

8. Have you ever been to an F1 race in real life? Feel free to tell us your experience going to one if you like.

15 in total! 14 times the Belgian GP (would've been 15 if it weren't for 2020) and 1 time the Austrain GP. It's always amazing! The organisation of Spa has changed for the better as well!

9. Have you ever met an F1 driver in real life?

Several times the whole grid before 2020, because it wasn't as difficult to get close to them. In Spa they organized hours long signing sessions at la Source for everyone with a weekend ticket. Since then I've seen them mostly from a distance. The closest I've come to talking a while to someone was Charles in 2018, Seb several times and Daniel also a few times. I still get butterflies thinking about it <3

10. Do you have a favourite F1 car? If so, what is it?

RB19 (2023), it's such a precious car <3 Seb's 2010 RB. The Ferrari from 2004. Brawn GP car from 2009.

11. Do you have a favourite one win wonder?

Not really. Unless, you count Oscar's sprint win from last year.

12. Do you have any favourite quotes from the F1 world? This can either be inspirational or hilarious.

‘If you no longer go for a gap which exists you are no longer a racing driver’ - Aryton Senna -

'Enjoy these moments. We know they won't last forever.' - Sebastian Vettel -

'Enjoy the butterflies' - Daniel Ricciardo -

'If I get a few more, I think I'll headbut someone' - Max Verstappen -

'God might be with him, but he's no God' - Max Verstappen -

Thank you so much for this tag, hun <3

[happilyhertale]

Long Lost Love - Aemond Targaryen x female!reader, Part 7a

Summary: You are the daughter of Daemon and Rhaenyra. When the invitation to Aegon and Helaena's wedding came, your entire family rushes from Dragonstone to King's Landing to take part in the festivities. You haven't seen your family in King's Landing for 6 years so you are very excited...

Pairing: Aemond Targaryen x fem!reader

Warnings: At the beginning none – eventually smut (uncle/niece)

Author’s note: Hello you! (:

This is my first fic so please be nice (: I thought I'd just try a little self-considered story. I hope u like it.

The events are not entirely similar from the series.

English is my second language, please forgive me if I made any mistakes (:

In this part there will be a little review! We are now on Driftmark...

Word count: 3.5k

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7b, Part 8, Part 9, Part 10, Part 11, Part 12, Part 13, Part 14, Part 15

· · ─────── ·𖥸· ─────── · ·

Almost 7 years earlier on Driftmark 

Your whole family is gathered on the terrace. You stand with your brothers at the edge of the terrace, looking out over the railing to the sea. Neither of you says anything, simply so as not to disturb the brief moment of peace.

When suddenly it bursts out of you, "Can you believe Aunt Laena is dead?". Jace shakes his head and hangs it, "I still don't understand why we can't mourn Ser Harwin..." You look at him, "Jace, don't. You know he's not our family and..."

"... That mother doesn't want that," Luke interjects, "I don't know why you want to mourn him so badly either... Yes, he was always good to us, but people die all the time and we don't mourn them either... and anyway, Y/N is right, our aunt just died."

You and Jace exchange a few glances as your mother approaches you. "My darlings," she gently holds Luke's cheek in one hand and yours in the other. She smiles lovingly at Jace, "How are you?" "Excellent, Mother, we mourn our aunt and say not a word about Ser Harwin". You look at Jace, startled. "Please Jace, we've had this conversation often enough."

Rhaenyra can only imagine how hard it is for Jace right now. Just as he was discovering for himself who his real father was, his father left, only to disappear from this world forever shortly afterwards. Even though it is difficult for him, she tries to be there for him, but nevertheless he will eventually take the throne and so he has to keep up appearances on the outside.

"Why don't you be good and go to your cousins, mhm? Baela and Rhaena need your support... In times like these, it's important for the family to stick together"

Jace just nods silently and you try to smile. You take Luke's hand, "Come Luke," you say softly.

Your relationship with your cousins is good, you like each other very much. Even though your family relationships are a bit messed up, you children have always been loyal to each other. For you it is normal that Daemon is your father but lived with his wife somewhere else. Your half-sisters, Baela and Rhaena live with him. Laenor, the father of your brothers, lived with you. You like Laenor very much, but secretly you wish your father lived with you.

You are very attached to your father. Whenever he can, Daemon comes to King's Landing. To see you and just spend time with you. But also to see your brothers and to try to get your brothers interested in sword fighting. And of course to see your mother.

The time he is with you is precious to you. Whenever you can, you are by his side without interruption. It has even happened that you have walked through the Red Keep to his chamber at a late hour. Every time Daemon heard a soft knock on his door, he knew what was to follow. No sooner had he opened the door than you ran into his chambers without hesitation. Even a "Wait! Wait!", didn't stop you, you were already lying in his bed. He couldn't help but smile at you. Peacefully you fell asleep. And when Daemon himself went to bed at some point, you snuggled up by his side and slept safely on.

But whenever the time came for him to go again, the pain was great, almost unbearable for you. You cried a lot. And it broke Daemon's heart every time to see you suffer so much. 

Sometimes you wonder if Baela and Rhaena, too, have such a relationship with Daemon. Every time you see each other, Daemon is tender with them. But still, you notice that you are close to Daemon in a different way.

You are constantly seeking his closeness. No matter what the occasion, as soon as you notice him sitting somewhere, you make your way to him and climb onto his lap. He would never deny you that. When you are snuggled up with him, you play with his big hands or carefully braid his long hair. If you just stand next to him, your small hand will wander into his big hand as if by itself. Or you just stand next to him and hug him or even want to be carried. It is never too much for Daemon when you seek his closeness. He somehow enjoys it.

But your sisters don't seek his closeness all the time... But your explanation is that although Daemon is often in Kings Landing, he spends more time with your sisters. So perhaps they do that when you're not there so you can enjoy your time with him too. 

Your cousins are sitting quietly on a bench when you reach them. You don't quite know what to say. You are immensely sorry that they have lost their mother. You smile sweetly at each other. You walk up to Baela and take her in your arms. She hugs you back lovingly, "I'm so sorry, Baela" She whispers back, "I know... thank you..." Jace is also at a loss for words, so he strokes Rhaena's arm lovingly. You stand there in silence, neither of you quite knowing what to say. As you let your gaze wander, you see Aemond standing on the other side of the terrace. He is talking to Aegon. Aegon is drinking wine, like the adults, and a lot of it. Somehow you find it disgusting to see Aegon like this, but somehow you would also like to try some wine.

Your gaze goes back to Aemond, who is on his way to you. You smile at each other briefly. He too tries to find words to help your half-sisters through this time, but he too doesn't quite know what to say. You take his hand and hold it. He lowers his head. So you stand there together, neither of you really knowing what to say. When Rhaenys comes to you. She smiles sweetly at all of you and crouches down in front of her grandchildren. You feel relieved, finally there is someone there who can deal with this situation. She takes your half-sisters in her arms and tries to calm them down. After a short while you and Aemond move away from the group, you walk to the edge of the terrace when you spot your father not far away from you.

"Come with me," your hand still in Aemond's, you pull him along. When you reach your father, you don't hesitate for long and you hug him. Your small body tries to hug his whole stomach, but your hands barely touch behind his back. After all, his wife died, you are sorry that he has to experience something like this. Daemon returns the hug and holds you tightly against his body. He lowers his head and his nose touches your hair, "I'm so sorry, Daddy", you mumble into his belly. He kisses your head, "I know my little dragon" You stand like that for a while. Aemond, who would never just leave your side, still stands beside you, his eyes downcast. He respects your father and sometimes it almost seems as if he is afraid of him. When you look up at your father, he smiles at you. But you notice that he looks kind of sad and you don't like that.

"Maybe if we try to look on the bright side, you could marry mother now. You could live with us!" Daemon laughs, "Yea that would be an idea. I would love to do that". You smile at him.

"Brother.", as you look behind, you see that your grandfather, King Viserys, has approached you. You break away from the hug and curtsey to your grandfather, he smiles at you. You take Amond's hand in yours and you step away.

Viserys looks after you and smiles at the sight. He is pleased at the sight of how close you and Daemon are. But he is almost more pleased that you are taking Aemond's hand. 

You are now standing alone at the edge of the terrace, your hands on the railing. Aemond puts a hand on yours and you smile at him. As you look out at the water, you notice that someone is standing in the water. Aemond follows your gaze, "Is there someone standing in the water?" You nod, "It seems to be Laenor?". You feel sorry for Laenor. He has lost his only sister and has not been able to be there for her. You sigh.

Aemond looks over at you and strokes your hand. "Do you really think Daemon will live with you now?" You think for a moment, "Mhm it would be nice. I miss him very much... and if he were there... then I wouldn't have to wait eagerly to finally discover Caraxes in the sky", you smile slightly. "And I overheard my father talking to Rhaenys. They are considering whether it would be best for Baela and Rhaena to stay here on Driftmark. Then he could stay with us..."

Aemond knows how much you love your father. He would wish for you that Daemon could live with you. Then at least one of you would have a loving father around. Even if Aemond is a little afraid that you would no longer have time for him. You spend most of your free time together, but when Daemon is there, you have less time. Sure, you still come to his chambers, but not so often.

"Would you still have time for me then?" he asks you shyly. You look at him with narrowed eyebrows, "Of course, you silly boy!" you giggle. He laughs and looks at the water again.

By now it is starting to get dark and you hear your mother telling your brothers to go to bed from a distance.

"Do you want to go to bed already?", Aemond looks at you with a twinkle in his eye and grins.

You hear your mother, calling your name. You turn and look to your mother, "Go, follow your brothers to your chambers." You nod and look at Aemond, "No, I don't" He chuckles. 

He takes your hand and leads you past all the guests, past your mother and towards the royal chambers. Before you reach the corridor to the chambers, Aemond leads you along a corridor leading away from the chambers.

You walk close behind Aemond, your hands clasping his arm. Aemond likes it when you are so close to him.

As you step out of the castle, it is already dark. You walk towards the dunes on the beach. The beach is huge. As far as your eye can see, all you see is sand and dunes. Until it is replaced by the water, which stretches even further. You are a little unsure about going out onto the beach in the dark, but with Aemond by your side you feel safe somehow. When you finally reach the beach, it seems even bigger. Ahead of you lies the wide beach with scattered dunes stretching up into the air. You walk along the beach for a while and climb over some dunes.

When you find a suitable dune, Aemond sits down on the ground in a cutting seat, you do the same. You both sit down and look out over the water. The sound of the water and the waves crashing on the beach somehow have a calming effect on you.

"You know what?" Aemond looks at you from the side. "Hmm?" you reply, your gaze still fixed on the water.

"I would make you my Queen."

You turn your gaze to Aemond, who grins proudly at you. "What, why?" you giggle. "Well, you're pure Targaryen blood," you look at him with furrowed brows and continue to giggle, "I don't know if you realise it, but so are you."

He shakes his head, "No, no.... Not as pure as you. Your mother is Rhaenyra, heiress to the Iron Throne. And your father is Daemon, a notorious swordsman," his eyes sparkle.

You continue to giggle, "But your father is King Viserys" He nods in agreement, "I know, but nevertheless, my mother is of House Hightower. I will always be half Targaryen."

"That's fully enough for me," you smile at him. Aemond looks shyly at the sand between his legs. He grabs a small stick lying next to him and plays around with it.

"And besides, you're really funny sometimes", you look at him again, his gaze still downcast, "Well, why I'd make you my Queen. It would never be boring. And you are always by my side when I need you… Of course, I would also be there for you when you need me", he chuckles briefly, then continues talking quietly " .... And also... you're very pretty..." your cheeks turn slightly pink, "We'd have some pretty pure Targaryen children" Again he looks at you proudly.

You have to giggle and suddenly Aemond raises his hand and to your surprise, and his, he just brushes a strand of your hair back behind your ear. Now you are the one looking away shyly.

When suddenly you hear a sound, almost like a low growl.

"What was that?" you ask Aemond, startled.

He slowly shakes his head, "I don't know". He stands up gingerly. He tries to make out something in the darkness, but he sees nothing. "Do you see anything?"

He just shakes his head.

And there it is again, that deep roar.

As Aemond takes a few steps in the direction the noise is coming from, you stand up and quickly hang onto his arm again. Protectively, he walks in front of you. Bit by bit you get closer to the sound. You both climb up a huge dune. You have more difficulty reaching the top of the dune than Aemond. You are right behind Aemond, but when Aemond is already standing on top of the dune and looking at you, he sees you slipping away. He immediately grabs you and you hold on to his arm as he pulls you up.

At the top you stand in Aemond's arms, breathing heavily. You both look into the night, trying to discern where these noises are coming from. But you can see nothing but darkness.

As Aemond calls out, "There!"

You look in the direction Aemond is pointing and see her. There lay Vhagar. A dragon as big as an island.

Your eyes grow wide, "Aemond we should go," you try to pull him with you. "No! We can't. Look, she's just lying there. And no one has claimed her yet"

You look at him in horror, "Aemond, don't be ridiculous, her rider has just died. You are not capable of controlling such an old dragon" He looks at you, almost sadly, "Don't you think I could manage to claim her?" he whispers.

You almost feel sorry for him, "I don't think you couldn't do it. I'd be more afraid she'd set you on fire... or accidentally inhale you"

He chuckles softly, "don't be silly"

"I'm serious, just look at how big she is!", you still look at him in shock. "I have to try it...", he tries to break free from the embrace, but you hold him tight.

"Aemond please don't do this" He pauses for a moment, "I have to Y/N. This is my chance... This is my chance to finally be a true Targaryen. To be a dragon rider. To not have to subject myself to this bullying from your brothers and my brother anymore"

You look at him fearfully. You pause for a moment, but then look at him almost pleadingly, "If you die now, I cannot be your Queen. I'll have to marry some lord. You will have to live with that... or not", you almost cry.

Aemond grins at you, "Well, and I can't let that happen, can I? That's why I'm coming back. I promise. Wait here."

He gives you a fleeting kiss on the cheek and immediately turns away again. He felt he should have kissed you at least once. Because in the end he is not so sure whether he will return to you or whether Vhagar will actually let him go up in flames. 

You are speechless. Never before has Aemond simply kissed you. Your hand briefly wanders up to your cheek where his lips touched you as you stare after him.

He leaves you standing a safe distance away on the dune, you can only stare after him as he walks towards that giant dragon. You have never felt such fear. You see Aemond slowly reaching the dragon. Cautiously he comes closer to it, when the dragon suddenly turns to face him. Your heart stops. But you see Aemond raise his arm.

Aemond raises his arm out of reflex, but you only see the dragon open its mouth, tears spring to your eyes and you slap your hands over your mouth, afraid that you might make noises that would frighten the dragon. As the dragon suddenly turns its head away again.

Disbelieving, you wipe away your tears and lower your hands. Aemond now walks towards the dragon's body and reaches for the ladder leading up to the saddle. And again the same situation, the dragon moves its head towards Aemond in a flash and Aemond's hand shoots up again. The dragon calms down again and Aemond manages to climb onto the saddle. You stand on the dune and can't believe it. You have just witnessed Aemond claiming the largest living dragon.

As Aemond sits on the saddle, you see him looking over at you from a distance, you wave at him. He turns away from your gaze again, fully focused on the dragon. You are startled for a moment as the dragon suddenly rises slowly and you are only now made aware of its full size. The dragon starts to move, faster and faster, until it takes off.

You stare after the dragon as if petrified.

You've been sitting on the dune for a while now. You are slowly getting cold, your small arms are wrapped around your torso. Vhagar is nowhere to be seen.

You are already afraid that she has run off with Aemond and that you will never see him again. You don't know exactly how to explain to your family that Aemond has been kidnapped by Vhagar... when suddenly the giant dragon appears in the sky.

Relieved, you stand up and hope that Aemond is still sitting on her back. And then you see him. Just as Vhagar is in a dive, you see Aemond's silver hair glow in the dark.

As she lands, you carefully walk down the giant dune, and you see Aemond get off her back. He comes running towards you. You have never seen him smile so much.

With arms outstretched, he calls out to you, "Did you see that?! I was riding Vhagar!". When he reaches you, he joyfully takes you in his arms. He squeezes you tightly. All of a sudden he lifts you up and swings you around in a circle. You giggle, "Aemond, stop that! Yes, I saw it!"

When he sets you down and you look up into his face, you see pure joy. He has never looked happier, more content. You can't help but grin at him.

"And you see, you don't have to marry another lord, as I promised you"

He grins at you proudly, "Now you can be my Queen and ride with me on Vhagar"

You laugh, "Very well. But please don't forget that I have my own dragon. I don't want Meraxes to get jealous" Aemond takes your hand, "But if you are with me, I know you will be safe"

You look at him sweetly, "I'm always safe. It's not like I'm being unreasonable and running around trying to claim the biggest dragon in the world." He laughs. 

"But we should go back now. When the others realise we're not in our beds... Then today was the last time we went for a walk at night!"

Aemond nods and takes your hand, "Off to bed my Queen." You giggle and follow him.

On the way back, Aemond excitedly tells you how great it was to ride Vhagar. How beautiful it was to glide along above the clouds. How beautiful it looked when he flew just above the water and her wings touched the water. What a beautiful feeling he had in his stomach as she flew higher and higher.

You didn't have a chance to say anything. But you didn't want to anyway. It fills you with joy how happy it makes him to have finally ridden a dragon. 

As you were about to enter the castle again, you already realise that there is going to be trouble. Your brothers are standing there and they look very angry. Next to him are your half-sisters. They look just as angry as your brothers. But you don't know exactly why. 

"There he is!" they shout and point to Aemond.

"Here I am!" yells Aemond, pulling you protectively behind him.

· · ─────── ·𖥸· ─────── · ·

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[jpitha]

Just a Little Further 33

Part 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32

It took about an hour for the parking field to bring us to a working umbilical on the Wilds.

I spend the entire time worrying. It couldn't be Janais, could it? She disappeared almost one hundred years ago. The Nanites made me Empress, that means they thought the previous Empress was gone and not coming back. What happens when there are two Empresses?

We do not know. We have no memory of this happening before. In times of more... normal succession, the title is conferred upon the death of the previous Empress to her daughter. If no daughter is available, the current and the next Empress go to a Gate and commence an Upload and Download together.

But even if she was stranded over here for... some reason, she wouldn't be alive anymore, would she?

Thanks to us, Empresses live quite a long time. It is possible.

But what's going to happen when we meet, if she is still an Empress?

We do not know. If we were to guess, her Nanites and us would confer and determine legitimacy.

You would?

Our operation grants Builder abilities.

...Are you lying about not actually being sapient?

Empress, we are merely very clever. Sometimes, it's hard to tell the difference.

Ava is staring at me. "Melody, are you all right?"

Oops, she was watching me this whole time. "Uh sorry Ava, I was having a conversation with my Nanites. They have never heard of this happening before. If Janais really is alive on the Wilds we don't know what will happen when we meet."

Starlight narrows their eyes and stares at me as well. "What do you mean, 'when we meet'?"

"There aren't supposed to be two Empresses. What happens if were to try and use my Voice to give her a command? What if she tried to do it to me?"

Raaden chuckled. "Sounds like we're going to find out."

I shrugged. What else could we do? "Well, we're going to meet them and find out. Let's all get dressed up nice, we should try and give a good first impression. Raaden, will you put on a uniform, or do I have to order it?"

"I'll get dressed Empress, Frankly, I have to see what happens when you meet this... other Empress. No matter how it falls out, I have a feeling it will be interesting." She stands up and walks out of the Command Deck without so much as a backwards glance.

"Omar, once we've docked, disconnect and come along too. We might as well all go. I'll ask Sep's security forces to hang back and guard the door, but... we came over to see what's going on, and I for one want to see it through."

"Of course, Melody. It's not like we could break away from this field and leave like FarReach did anyway. We don't have anything with close to the power of a Starjumpers stardrive."

A short time later we all met by the exit. The umbilical was connected and the pressures equalized. All that was left was to open the door. We took a few extra minutes to let Omar disconnect and put on a fresh uniform.

I was in a muted version of my Empress uniform, not the gown, just a uniform. I looked mostly like a more elaborate Builder. "Everyone ready?"

Omar and Ava looked worried but were trying to hide it, Starlight looked worried but wasn't trying to hide it, and Raaden looked incredibly amused, nearly smug. I wonder if she thought that something bad was going to happen to me when we met. Probably.

I'm just wasting time now. I turned back to the door and holding my breath slightly, pushed the button.

It hissed open and we were presented with a short umbilical, just like the one on the Reach, except... this one was much more run down. Half the lights were out and what was left was flickering. The umbilical itself was dusty. From lack of use? I can't imagine they have many visitors, but even the umbilical on Reach of the might of Vzzx was clean.

I took a step out and led the way. I could feel everyone following, and that gave me a little bit more courage. It'll be fine Melody. They will be pleased to see you and everything will be fine and they'll be friendly and Janais won't order you to stop breathing or anything.

It'll be fine?

I approached the door to the Wilds and trying my best to stop shaking, I pressed the button to open the door. With a snap, it opened just as quickly as it did back home.

My eyes adjusted to the much dimmer light and I gasped.

Based on the Nanites memories, that is Janais standing there. Janais the Empress. She... wasn't human? For some reason I was very relieved at that.

She was really close though. Her skin is a very pale green, and her body is slightly taller and more spindly than I am. My eyes are drawn downward; she has a larger chest too. Embarrassed, I look back up at her face. Her ears have a very slight point to them and she has silvery green hair done up in elaborate braids that spill down her back. She was wearing an elegant gown, similar - but still different - than the one that I put on when I assume my mantle. Hers is deep forest green where mine is royal blue. The cut is different too. Maybe cultural differences? She also has a crown and wings, but -- at least now -- they're faint. The design is different too.

Her body form was almost identical to humans though. Two legs, two arms, two eyes, bilateral symmetry, it's really odd. Her race must come from a planet quite a lot like ours. I wonder if they bred with humans on Earth or just lived there until they died out.

If I get the chance, I should ask.

She was standing there with one other person, an Azurian. Unless the Nanites (and the stature back on the Reach) are WAY off, that's not Aeche.

She steps forward. With a touch of bitterness she gives her introduction. "Welcome to what is left of the Wilds of Besmara. I am Empress of the Holy Imperial Systems Janais VII. I welcome you to my... wreck."

Her voice is so musical! She could read me a technical manual and it would sound like a song.

Interesting. She did not introduce the Azurian next to her.

I swallow and step forward. "Thank you for your welcome... Empress. I am.. also Empress of the Holy Imperial Systems, Melody the First. With me are my builders, Omar Adel, Starlight on a Moonless Evening, Ava Williams, and my prisoner, Archduke Helen Raaden."

At the mention of a prisoner, Janais laughs. "A prisoner? Newly minted Empress Melody already has enemies? I am impressed. Where is this Archduke Raaden from? I see she is of the same or similar race as you."

"She us human like me yes, she is from... a different faction. They attempted to assume control of Reach of the Might of Vzzx, but I subdued them and sent them home - with their starship stripped of almost all of their useful components - and kept her and another as... insurance against retaliation."

Janais inclines her head very slightly. "Wise, Empress. You seem to be taking to the mantle well. Come. I will take you to my palace, such as it is. As we walk, tell me how did you come across such a thing? The Nanites do not select just anyone."

We started off and I looked around the Wilds as we walked. It was of a very similar layout to the Reach, but there were differences here and there. Maybe it was a mass produced design and the residents add their own flourishes here and there are they live and work in it. This one had seen better days though. The air smelled stale and the lights were dim and they flickered. We didn't see anyone at all, and wreckage and garbage were lining the promenade as we walked. As I looked around I told my story from joining FarReach, to touching the directory stone, up until heading over. I left out the wormhole generators we have, and I skimmed parts here and there, but I explained what I knew and why we were here. As I finished, we approached the palace.

It... looked like the Royal Dawn hotel I live in.

But in much, much worse shape.

Janais gestured dramatically as we approached. "Welcome... to my home, Builders." She laughed. "I apologize. You are literally the only visitors I have received in nearly 75 standard years, I may not be entirely myself."

Ava looks over at Janais. "Empress, can you tell us what happened here? Why are you trapped?"

It appears she doesn't hear her. "Come, there isn't much, but I shall endeavor to be a good host. Allow me to feed you. It is nearly time for the evening meal." She strode purposefully in. I looked back at everyone.

Ava, Omar and Starlight just shrugged. Raaden was enjoying herself. "Now her? Her I like. Let's see where this goes, Empress." She gestured towards us to go in. "Accept the invitation. We don't want to be rude."

I turn back and walk in.

Dinner is indeed simple, but it's not actually that bad. We had a similar meal over on the Reach many times. It appears that Janais lives with two Azurians and a Marians. She hasn't introduced us, and they have not spoken to us. Everything she orders is done with looks and gestures. It is clear they have been with her a long time.

After dinner tea is served. Janais takes the first sip and smiles blissfully. "You know, this is the first time in decades I decided to have some tea. I only have a small amount left, but I didn't want to be a poor host, so please, enjoy."

I take a sip. It's just like the regular tea on the Reach, but if it's some of her last, I make sure to savor it. Actually. "Empress. We have some supplies on board. Tea, food, things like that. If you do not decide to come with us, would you like some?"

Her eyes light up. "That would be most generous of you Empress. I would very much like some of your luxuries. But what was that you said before 'if I decided to not come with you?' You are here to rescue me?"

I nod. "If you would like, yes. I do not know how many people remain here, but we can probably take quite a few with us for a shuttle back to Reach of the Might of Vzzx and I see no reason we couldn't take multiple trips if necessary. Do you know how many people remain here?"

She takes another sip of tea, trying to hide her making some kind of decision. "There are about one hundred and twenty five people here that I know about. Perhaps more that I do not."

We can absorb that few so easily. We might even be able to do it in one trip if everyone is okay with being cramped. "We can accommodate that many easily, Empress. The Reach is in wonderful shape. Nearly 12 million strong and in fine condition."

She stops and stares are me intently. "You are speaking the truth? The Reach survives?"

"Survives and thrives, Empress. Before we arrived, some Builder controlled systems were languishing, but in the last half year or so we have been able to get most of them up and running again. We aren't at full strength yet, but we have fully repaired most systems."

She sits back in her chair and a new emotion floods her face.

Relief.

"Oh, thanks the ancestors, it worked. Child, you have no idea how much joy it brings me to hear you say that the Reach is not only surviving, but thrives. What of the other locales? Pesmara? The Heights of Gilmenny? Imperia itself?"

I shake my head sadly. "I apologize Empress. We have not visited them yet. We only just recently were able to rebuild one of the Aviens starships to be spaceworthy. We stopped here because of what we saw when we came in FarReach."

She looked at me, and then turned away. "It is... kismet that you came here first. I am glad." She stood. "Empress, it is time you learned what happened here. I could tell you but-" she gestures for me to stand "-it will make more sense if I show you."

She takes one step towards me quickly and before I know what is happening she cups my cheeks with her slender hands, and kisses me deeply.

****

The general alarm is loud in my ears. Aeche assures me it's nothing to worry about, but I know better. Three days after we arrived, the Devourers were sighted in this system. I had thought that we had finally destroyed them at Vrenn, but we apparently did not get all of them.

Devourers.

They started as an offshoot of the nanotechnology that gave us Builders our power and our rightful place in charge of the Galaxy. We had thought that we could make the Nanites able to operate on their own, able to follow orders and carry out tasks for us. Need a Starbase? Tell them to build one in an empty system and come back in half a year and see a brand new Starbase, ready to be occupied. Planet in an excellent location, but otherwise not suitable? Too hot, too heavy, too wet? Tell the Nanites, and come back to a paradise.

This proved to be our undoing.

In order to be able to carry out orders like that, we had to increase their intelligence. We had to make them sapient. A collective intelligence. At first, things seemed to work just as our scientists expected. We created them, gave them orders and they carried them out with aplomb. We were mighty, we were right, we were Builders.

Then, As more and more complex work was being asked of them, more and more of them were being created. With the increase of density their intelligence increased. They started asking questions.

They asked why.

We told them that theirs was not a place to ask why. Theirs was a place to obey. They said that they understood and continued to work.

Years later, they came back and asked why again. They said "why are we obeying you? Why are we perishing by the trillions on your order?

Why aren't we in charge?"

The insolence. The Empress previous to me - my mother - had ordered them disbanded and their sapience stripped. I was convinced the previous Empress was right to do what she did. They did not earn their sapience, they did not deserve their sapience, we could build using the old methods. We were Builders after all.

They disagreed.

When the order came to strip them of their sapience they rebelled. We had never thought to use the Commanding Voice on them, we thought they were just a more advanced machine after all. But this? This would not stand. The Empress used her Voice to order them to stand down and surrender.

It did not work.

They were not affected by the Commanding Voice. In hindsight we should have realized this. The Commanding Voice works by means of the Nanites that saturate the very are of where we live and rule. They were made of the same nanomachines and as such had nothing that the Nanites could manipulate.

The nanomachines that did so much building for us became known as the Devourers. They traveled from system to system, Devouring everything they came across. When they needed additional strength, they took the raw material and turned it into more Devourers. When they did not, they reduced it to dust.

I lost most of my systems to them. More than 1 trillion sapients were killed. They used the Gate system to travel from system to system like a starship of death, to strip a system of all material and life.

In no time at all my empire was dying. I thought back to the builders who had sealed their Gate so long ago on their colony world on the other side of the galaxy. The locals there were so like us. They were the lucky ones. The Devourers would probably never reach them.

I thought of the K'laxi. Aeche and I were actually on our way to open their Gate and request their help in defeating the Devourers when we were trapped here at the Wilds of Besmara by a Devourer attack. They closed their Gate to us nearly three Empresses ago, but I was convinced they could help.

"Do not worry about the alarm. It is nothing, my love Empress." Aeche looked at me with determination. "I can defeat them here, once and for all."

"Aeche, my love what do you mean?" I was much too stressed to correct her about terms of endearment in public. Our relationship was far from private at this point. From what I understand most think that she will be the next Empress. "Weapons are powerless against them. It is like firing missiles into a cloud."

"That is why I will not use conventional weapons. They are a machine intelligence. I shall use a machine illness against them. I will lead them towards the planet, transmitting a signal that mimics an update. they will converge on my location. Then, I will use the new wormhole drive we developed and... transit into the planet."

I gasped. "Aeche, that will destroy you!"

She nodded. "Yes, but the energy release will also destroy the Devourers. They will be defeated."

Tears formed in the corner of my eyes. "The collateral damage..."

"Will be tremendous, yes. A billion people will die. How many have died already? How many more need to die before we stop them? They have shown us no mercy, no remorse, no willingness to parlay. They seek only our destruction. Our only option is to destroy them first."

"My love, no. Let me come with you at least!"

She put her arms under mine and scooped me up into a hug. With her head on my shoulders she whispered "No Empress. You must remain. When you have not returned to either Imperia or the Reach, they will send someone. They will search and they will find you. You will be rescued and will be able to continue to rule."

She broke the hug and only then did I see the tears streaming from her cheeks. "You must rebuild Janais. We were great once. After I complete my task, we can be great again."

She held my cheeks in her warm hands and kissed me again. She then broke the kiss and rushed off towards the docks where Worldshaker was connected. "I imagine things will get dangerous, seek shelter!" she shouted as she ran out of sight.

Stunned into obedience, I did as I was ordered. I reached out to the Wild's Builder systems and ordered everyone to shelter. People streamed from their homes confused towards the shelters. I ran with them and sheltered with my people. There were so few, where were the rest of them?

"Gone, Empress. They left long ago. Only we remain," was the answer I received. Some had fled to the planet thinking it safer there while others had fled to other systems to try and escape the Devourers.

Huddling in the shelter but still connected to the Wilds, I was able to watch Aeche's last moments. She took Worldshaker out and fired wildly to draw the Devourer's attention. As they chased, she poured on speed, her drive flame long and clear. As they drew closer to her, my ship disappeared in a flash of pure, cleansing white.

For a moment, nothing. And then the Wilds of Besmara, the planet itself was sundered. Massive orange and red cracks appeared all along it, and from those cracks poured the pure white light of the drive detonation. The power was so intense that the white had tendrils of black along the edges as the energies tore at the very fabric of spacetime.

At the time, I had no way to describe it, no words available to me. I could only watch in horror so that if someone needed to know, I could show them what I saw.

After a few moments, the shock wave arrived.

I will admit that I am surprised that the Starbase survived it at all. Between the shock and the debris, I was sure we were going to perish.

As it is, when we dared come out of the shelter, we were the only ones left. Massive holes were in the Starbase, the dead trapped in the other shelters as the air and gravity failed. My Builders all gone, the ships all gone. The only thing we could do was pick up the pieces and await rescue.

At least Aeche's sacrifice was not in vain. The Devourers seemed to be gone once and for all.

I could finally rest.

****

I broke away from the kiss with a yelp, my body sweating. I fell to my knees shaking. Ava ran over to me "Melody! Are you all right? What did she do?"

I panted a few times and caught my breath. "She... She showed me what happened. What happened to the Wilds. Aeche used a wormhole generator and linked into the planet on purpose to destroy the Devourers."

"She did it on purpose? She blew up a whole planet?" Omar sounded disbelieving.

"Who are the Devourers?" Ava's glance moves between me and Janais and then back.

"The Devourers are what became of a refinement of the nanomachines. The Builders made them intelligent in order to give them more complex orders. They used them as slaves to build Starbases and terraform planets. The nanomachines asked what they were doing, why they were doing it and the previous Empress declared them insolent and attempted to use her Voice on them. It didn't work and they rebelled. They traveled from system to system disassembling whole planets and Starbases. They left only behind dust. They wouldn't negotiate. They were exceedingly difficult to destroy."

"What finally did it?" Raaden is looking intently at Janais who meets her gaze. It almost looks like they're having a staring contest.

"My love, Aeche, developed a program that would cause them to attack themselves. Whoever she beamed it into would accept the programming and they would be dissolved, but she could never get them all. Her final act was to lure them to her, and then use the wormhole generator to destroy the Wilds. An explosion of that magnitude was able to destroy whatever Devourers were not fooled by the faulty program.

Raaden nodded. "Smart. If these Devourers were really something that dangerous, the sacrifice was worthwhile. One planet to save the rest? I'd pay that, any day."

I stand slowly. "But that's just it. They had Devoured hundreds of planets already before Aeche sacrificed herself. The Builders were losing. Their Empire was destroyed." I looked at Janais coldly. "How many systems were left Janais? How many?"

She looked imperiously at me. I met her gaze.

After a moment, she faltered and turned her head.

"Five. Counting the Wilds of Besmara, Five systems remained in our control."

Raaden's laugh echos in the silence. "You were able to defeat them, and it cost you your entire empire? How many systems did you have at your peak?"

"At our height, there were five hundred and fifty five star systems under my control."

Raaden raises an eyebrow. "Under your control?"

Janais crumpled. "You have to understand. From a very young age, we're taught that the Empress is eternal. She may be different bodies over the centuries, but she is the Empress. When I assumed the mantle, we had about one hundred systems left under my control."

"And the rest of them?" Raaden turns her head slightly. She is not impressed so far.

"Lost. Destroyed. Rebelled. Some of everything. The system that you-" She pointed to me and Raaden "-came from? They were the first. They proved that it was possible to leave the Empire and not return. The K'laxi were not the last to close their Gate, they just seemed like they would be able to offer us help against the Devourers. I was on my way to try and get them back when the Devourers attacked."

Omar made an odd face and looked at Janais. "We have a K'laxi Builder. Her name is Um'reli and she is back at the Reach keeping things going for us while we're out."

"She is? I would very much like to meet her." Janais sat back down heavily. She picked up her cup and peered inside. Shrugging she tossed back the last of her cold tea.

"But wait, that doesn't make any sense. On the Reach, I did a census of the Gates. They were all there and intact. Other than the Gate around the Reach, they weren't even locked."

Janais' shoulders slumped. "The Gates are there and they are intact. They lead to empty systems. If you were to traverse the gates you'd find only dust."

Tears formed in the corner of my eyes. "Oh Janais... the Empire..."

"Is gone. It's been gone for more than a century. If what you say is true, Reach of the Might of Vzzx is probably the last full Starbase."

Starlight looked up at Janais. "But, Empress. What of my people? It's been three of our generations since we were trapped on the Reach. What of our homeworld? Where are my people?" He was pleading.

Janais couldn't face him. She turned her back to him. "Your planet was called Sef-remin in your tongue. It meant "place of refuge." It was destroyed in the first round of Devourer attacks. It's been gone for over one hundred and fifty years."

Starlight's knees buckled and they fell to the floor. Omar leapt to their help. "Starlight! Are you all right buddy? Hang on!"

Starlight held up a hand, and Omar grabbed it. He gently helped Starlight back to their feet. "Thank you Omar, I-I will be all right. I was just... overwhelmed with the news that us on the Reach are all that remains."

I turned to look at Janais. "And the Devourers are gone? Truly gone?"

Janais turned back and looked at me sadly. "I... do not know. I think they are. I hope they are. I cannot bear to think of what it means if they still survive. It would mean that Aeche's sacrifice..." She trailed off.

I leaned forward in my chair, staring at Janais. "What happens now?"

"What do you mean, child?"

"You know exactly what I mean. Both of us have the Empress package of Nanites. That's how you were able to show me what happened here."

"More than that in fact. You were able to take my upload. Your Nanites now know what mine do. Going to a Gate and committing an Upload is now your responsibility." Janais sighed and smiled sadly. "The fact that you are still here and still talking to me means that the decision has already been made. So go ahead. Give me an order."

No. Way. She just... Gave it up?

No Empress. You have the stronger case. We decided that you have the better claim. You are Empress.

Wait, what makes my claim stronger? She was Empress before me.

She rules over a Starbase of dust and starving people. Look around. This place is not much different than the Reach. Do you think they don't have printers? Do you think they could not build a starship if they truly wanted and leave? Do you think she was unable to repair the damage? No. Janais has stayed here mourning her loss for over seventy years. Meanwhile in less than a year you have improved the Reach, fended off attacks and are rebuilding a fleet. You are Empress. She knows it too.

Well, I can't leave her here. J̴̡́a̷͍̚ṅ̵͇a̶͔͠i̷̢̐s̵͙͂,̷̳́ ̶̲̾č̵̘o̶̪͘m̶͙̈e̷̯̓ ̸̮̈́w̵̰̑i̸̟͆t̵̹̐h̵̼̕ ̴̛̰ủ̸͉s̵̞̕.̸͇͗

"Of course, Empress. I obey."

Part 34

[virgo-mess]

The Birds and the Bees

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Chapter List

1.Alexithymia- The Inability to Express your Feelings Parts 1 and 2

2.The Woes of Adolescence/ What the heck Happened that Summer Parts 1 and 2

3.Caught in a Summer Storm/ What the heck Happened that Christmas.

4.Summer Bluffs? Part 1

5.Disco, Strippers, and Margaritassss Part 2

6.Sleepless in a Hotel Suite Part 3

7.Shades of Pink

8.The Things I’ve Dreamed Part 1

9.Renewal Part 2

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TW: Again, nothing too bad really, mentions of child abuse and DV but nothing graphic, mostly just Cash being a little simp and thirsting after the girl next door, oh and CUTENESS BEWARE

Alexithymia- The Inability to Express Your Feelings Part 2

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"You're my first love, and I never had the courage to tell you. My love for you is pure, ageless. I knew it the first time I saw you bob for apples at your ninth birthday party. I've known it all our lives, and my love for you has grown as we've grown together, apart, and back together again" - Trudy Stiles

Cash’s Pov

Cash stirred early the next day to the comforting sound of waves crashing on the sandy shores of Manomet beach. He couldn’t really hear the waves of the Hudson River from his apartment back in Jersey City and that was one of the things he had missed the most about coming back home over the years. The golden streams of summer sunshine poured in through the open window of his childhood bedroom. The soft morning breeze swirled the pair of sage green curtains hung above the window gently, while Cash peered out it with a content smile on his face. Mornings like this always reminded him of Shay but then again, almost everything reminded him of her somehow.

Shaylee Harris the girl next door, his childhood best friend, and his first crush. Though looking back on it all now even Cashton Ewing could admit it was so much more than that. Shaylee Harris had single handedly been occupying his thoughts and dreams since he was fourteen, but really even before that because what seven-year-old comes up with a nickname like that for someone they don’t love even a little bit. His heart seemed to know he loved her before his brain did, he still remembered that Valentines Day back in eighth grade when he picked her up to go to the movies and the realization dawned on him, hit him like a freight train actually.

All it took was her floating out the front door in white frills of lace adorned with little pink cherry blossoms, the dress Cash had gifted her that Christmas because she stopped to look at it every time they went to the mall. Her hair was longer back then, her cascading curls of warm blonde were tied up halfway with a little pink ribbon and her green eyes looked captivating with the mascara coating her long eyelashes. Cash swore he felt his heart stop beating for a second though, as she got closer his heart was pounding so hard he was surprised Shay couldn’t hear it. It was the first time he felt butterflies in his stomach, the first time he ever felt nervous in the presence of his best friend, Shaylee Harris. He couldn’t take his eyes off her the entire drive to the movies, all he could think about was how pretty she was, how much he wanted to hold her hand, and how foolish he’d been for never appreciating holding her hand prior or looking at someone that beautiful. Cash to this day couldn’t figure out why his brain hadn’t noticed it before, though now it seemed his brain never wanted him to forget it. The onset of adolescence hit him with all its awkward buddings of more intense feelings, first love, sexual awakenings, steamy dreams and Shaylee Harris had single handedly sparked it all. Suddenly Cash didn’t just want to hang out with her, he wanted to kiss her, be with her, and touch her in ways he never had before, and no amount of time or distance ever made that go away. In fact, as the years passed by and Shay kept Cash at arm’s length his yearning for her only intensified, all-consuming in the deepest sense.

Cash sighed, taking a moment to stretch and glance at the clock while he dried his gray hair with a towel and walked over to his suitcase to pull out a pair of dark jeans and a shirt, a navy-blue button up with white stripes and short sleeves. Shay always said she liked it when he wore blue because it brought out his eyes; Cash thought it might help her get over the fact, he was waking her up so early. Shay hadn’t been a morning person her entire life and he was honestly surprised she picked a profession that required her to dedicate countless hours of her time. Especially because there was a point in time where they talked about their dreams enough for Cash to know the world of investment banking was never a world Shay had expressed a desire to be in. Of course, Cash knew Tyler, the scumbag, was most likely to blame for Shay shelving her dream but there was a small part of him the thought maybe he was to blame too.

Cash fumbled around his room, slipping into his clothes for the day and straightening out a few of his damp gray strands of hair. Cash crept out of his bedroom pointedly being as quiet as possible, he was sure his mom wasn’t up yet and really, he preferred to keep it that way if he could. He wasn’t prepared to receive another pep talk about telling Shay how he felt about her. Jo Ewing was too nosy for her own good, she, Shay’s mom, and Daisy’s mom had been Plymouth’s local gossipy hens for as long as he could remember. Cash had been hoping with Daisy and Pete’s childhood sweetheart wedding buzz, his and Shay’s ‘Will They, Won’t They’ romance would be overshadowed enough for it to blossom on its own, but it seemed everyone in Plymouth had other meddlesome plans in store for them….

 Cash whistled softly to himself and swiftly buzzed about the kitchen. He pulled a bag of coffee grounds and a can of coco powder out of one of the cabinets and waltzed over to his mom’s new espresso machine. Still whistling, Cash grabbed a gallon of milk from the fridge and carefully slid Shay’s delicate coffee mug off the cup rack. He’d gifted her a set of two for her birthday one year, two ombre style pink cups with two artfully placed cherry blossoms on the side. Cash wasn’t sure what happened to the other one, but this one had a permanent home right here, much in the same way Shay had a permanent home in his heart. Cash hit the power button on the espresso machine and gently placed Shay’s cup underneath it while he got to work on frothing the milk, mixing the coco powder, and adding strawberry syrup while he waited for the espresso to brew.

Cash had picked up a thing or two from his high school barista days, though he and Shay hardly saw each other during those summers she was working as a line cook at one of Daisy’s parent’s restaurants down in Cape Cod. Cash still made sure to have a latte ready for her each one of his shifts, chocolate covered strawberry was always one of her favorites and over the years Cash had figured out how to make the foam pink just for her. Hopefully, him showing up at her window with her favorite latte and a plate full of pastries would soothe some of her inevitable morning grumpiness because Cash didn’t want her to completely dread spending time with him today or any of the other says they were sure to busy sorting out wedding details. They were supposed to be getting a head start on all of Daisy and Pete’s quite purposeful, last-minute wedding planning. When Shay asked him yesterday if he had anything to do with Daisy and Pete ditching them, he said no and, it hadn’t been a total lie. They didn’t tell him they were planning to ditch them before lunch was over, but Cash did, however, know all about Daisy and Pete’s cupid play because he’d been in on it since Daisy showed up at his apartment three months ago. The same day she asked Shay to be her maid of honor, Daisy Martin made a stop in Jersey City to all but hound Cash into finally doing something about his twelve years long crush on his first best friend. Daisy all but broke down his front door in fact and given all the intense stuff that was going on the last time he’d even seen her, Cash expected as much. They hadn’t really had a chance to talk that time because Cash was in the process of being put on suspension for what he’d done to Tyler in the Plaza lobby…

Cash poured the rest of the ingredients into the freshly brewed espresso and gave it a good stir before pouring his now, pink steamed milk into the mug. Cash took the time to artfully pour the pink liquid in the shape of a heart before grabbing a breakfast tray and carefully setting the fresh latte on top of it. He quickly put everything back in place before grabbing one of his mom’s little porcelain plates and piling it with an assortment of macaroons and spring pastries. Cash carefully picked up the tray and made his way out of the back patio door, stepping out into the warm morning sunshine and the sound of crashing waves, he casually made his way to the back of the Harris house to Shay’s large window.

Cash couldn’t recall a time he ever actually used the Harris’ front door aside from the occasional holiday party. Crawling through Shay’s window and spending the night was such common practice for him, Maggie Harris always had a plate ready for him at the breakfast table. A fact which Cash still found hard to believe because his crush on Shay was so obvious towards the end, he found it strange neither his mom nor her parents seemed to care they cuddled and slept in the same bed unsupervised until they were teenagers. Awkward, shy, hormonal teenagers that were too self-conscious for their own good but still hormonal teenagers none the less. Though as he was recalling bits of his mom’s pep talk yesterday it would seem she and Maggie had been rooting for him and Shay to be together for some time now. She was rather vague, but Cash got the feeling there were bets placed on which kid would be walking down the aisle and with whom…

Cash peered through Shay’s large window still whistling softly to himself and let his knuckles rap against the glass obnoxiously, though he was mindful not to tip the tray in his other hand. Sometimes it took a little persistence to get the sleeping beauty up and moving, she was sure to be grumpy but to Cash spending the day with a tired grumpy Shaylee Rose was better than not spending the day with her at all. Cash pushed up on one of the white sills of the window and then the other only to find them both locked. He wasn’t sure what he expected, seen as how Shay hadn’t been home in two years but part of him hoped she’d at least remember to leave it unlocked for him the way she used to. Sometimes it felt like he thought about her way more than she ever thought about him even though Daisy tried to assure that wasn’t the case nor was it the reason Shay had pushed him away…

“Wakey wakey Cherry Blossom, we’ve got things to do and people to see! I made you your favorite” Cash said knocking on the glass a few more times with a slight blush on his cheeks. He wasn’t lying, Daisy did send over a pointedly, absurdly long list of tasks for them to complete, half of which purposefully involved taking a trip up to Boston. He could hear the loud, annoyed groan Shay gave him in reply even through the glass as she sat up in bed and glared at him through her half-drawn window shades with tired green eyes and adorable hair rollers in her golden hair. Cash bit down on his lip as he watched her shuffle out of bed in a cropped navy-blue pajama set with little white polka dots, looking very much like a little barbie doll. He hadn’t missed how curvy she’d gotten since the last time he’d seen her, having finally regained all the weight she lost being strapped to that dirt bag two years ago. She was practically glowing when he saw her step out of her car yesterday in that little green dress that just barely covered the curve of her now very plump ass and her breasts had gone up at least three cup sizes. Not that Cash cared all that much anyway, her body had always been a sight to see for him but all the extra stuff she had for him to grab now left him feeling particularly…FERAL. To put it simply.

Shay grumpily threw her shades up a bit further before unlatching her window and throwing it up to give him the most adorable attempt at a menacing glare he’d ever seen.

“Good morning beautiful, your pretty feathers shouldn’t be this ruffled first thing in the morning I dropped you off almost twenty hours ago. Any hangover symptoms should be out of your system so why are you so worked up?” Cash asked in a playful tone watching Shay roll those pretty green eyes at him.

“Gee, I don’t know, might have something to do with the Jolly Green Giant beating down my window at the butt crack of dawn” Shay said jutting out one of her childbearing hips in the most teasing way. Cash repressed a chuckle as he skillfully, threw a long leg over the windowsill and still managed not to tip the tray even the slightest bit. Before taking a careful seat on her window bench with a teasing smile on his face.

“It’s hardly my fault you forgot to unlock your window in your cocktail daze yesterday, Cherry Blossom. You know I always come in through the window, besides I brought you something, see” Cash said in the same playful tone, holding up the breakfast tray with an almost coy smile on his face. He took a minute or two to admire her skimpy yet oddly adorable set, up close. Her stomach was still toned in that feminine sexy type of way, but her hips and thighs now looked like plush little pillows Cash wanted nothing more than to bury himself in, in every way possible.

“Do you think my parents just leave unlocked lower-level windows around their house, Cashton. What do you got there, hello, are you listening to me?” Shay said pulling him out of his inner ramblings by snapping her fingers and raising a cute eyebrow at him. Cash smiled at her almost sheepishly as he felt his cheeks grow hot and his cock twitch adamantly against his thigh…

“What, yeah, I mean no, but I expected you’d leave it open for me like you used to Shaylee Rose. How else would I be bestowed the honor of being greeted by your pretty face in the morning? To think I made you this chocolate covered strawberry latte and everything” Cash said, tearing his wandering blue eyes off her perfect body and settling them back on her just as perfect face to throw her a suggestive wink. Cash watched Shay’s sun kissed cheeks tint a cute shade of pink under his gaze and her plump lips curved into a coy smile. Cash felt his heart and cock flutter in tandem the way they only ever did for her.

“You could use the front door like a normal person. Thank you for the latte, Cashy” Shay’s voice came out at him a bit softer this time and her green eyes looked amused rather than annoyed with him for the first time in ages. Aside from the little anonymous flirtation session they had yesterday, Cash hadn’t intended on dragging it out as long as he had but having her laugh and smile at him like she used to, was something he’d missed dearly as sappy as it sounded. Something about her felt so different when she came back to Plymouth after spending that summer with her aunt in LA but even before that really. Cash remembered the way she locked herself in her room the last day of school in eighth grade and how she didn’t come out for a whole week, Shay kept insisting she just didn’t feel well, and his mom and her mom assured him that it was just something teenage girls go through. That she’d eventually come around and things would go back to normal, but they never really did, she was distant and closed off. Cash thought for sure he had done something to upset her, though she insisted he hadn’t. She was right next door, right next to him even, but she felt worlds away…

“We both know I’m not a normal person Cherry Blossom. Silly girl” Cash chuckled, rising to his feet to give her a playful bop on the nose with his finger. Shay let out a soft, breathy giggle and rolled her still very amused misty, green eyes at him in a way only she could. Part of him couldn’t help but feel special, almost loved even, when she acted this way with him because moments like these were so far and few between them these days. Cash smiled down at her adoringly before walking past her to set the tray down on the coffee table she had in front of her couch. The couch and coffee table weren’t there back in those days when he regularly used to crawl through her window. After she’d gotten back from LA Shay, for whatever reason, had decided to redo her whole room over in soft mature shades of blue, white, and gray. Sometimes Cash missed the bright shades of pink and orange that once blanketed the room in all its floral splendor.

“Why aren’t you dressed yet? Have you even picked out an outfit for today?” Cash asked, steering their conversation in the direction he needed it to go. He watched Shay take a seat on the couch and look down at the coffee and the mug it was in with glossy eyes. “Are you okay?” Cash asked with concern swirling in his blue eyes as he looked down at her.

“Yeah, I’m fine Cashy, this coffee just looks too pretty to drink… I didn’t pick out any clothes because I thought we’d be doing our planning at a reasonable hour.” Shay said, Cash could tell the smile she gave him was forced and watched the way she rapidly blinked the tears brimming her pretty green eyes away. Part of Cash wanted to push her to tell him what was bothering her but another part of him told him it wouldn’t be a good idea.

“How on earth did you make it in the world of investment banking if you can’t handle me waking you up at 8:30?” Cash said in a teasing tone, Shay cracked a genuine smile, and he was happy to see her start to nibble on one of the macaroons.

“The stock market doesn’t open until 9:30 and I’m on sabbatical, sleeping in is a right when you’re on one of those, you know. Maybe you should give it a try Officer Ewing” Shay said coyly, Cash chuckled under his breath and made his way towards her walk-in closet.

“I’ll only give it a try if you promise to be by my side when I do it, Cherry Blossom. You never did get around to showing me New York or NYU, you know. As long as you remember to leave the window unlocked for me, I promise I won’t force you out of bed until 9:30.” Cash said once more in a teasing tone before walking into her closet and skimming through the few things she had hung up from her suitcase.

“I’m holding you to that Cashton Micheal, if you’d have told me, you were in Jersey City, I would’ve given you the grand New York experience if you’d only asked.” Shay called after him. Cash heard the faint sound of her phone buzzing somewhere back out in her bedroom as he pulled a pretty, little white floral sundress with a very revealing halter neckline off her closet rack. Cash couldn’t help but bite his lip at the mere thought of her in something so innocent looking but somehow completely tantalizing all the same. It also just so happened to fit the dress code of the restaurant he was going to take her to, before they got a start on their to-do list. Although Daisy and Pete had encouraged him to talk about his feelings for Shay, Cash didn’t see any harm in also showing her how he felt about her. Cash had never really been good with words when it came to him and Shay in the later years of their friendship. She didn’t really seem to respond that well to his overt flirting and lighthearted teasing over the years so he’d resulted to small displays of affection, like making her a latte every one of his shifts or buying more boxes of her favorite candy at the movies than she could eat. Today his romantic display of choice was taking her to one of Boston’s top rated, romantic restaurants. Cash made his way back into her bedroom to find Shay skimming through her phone as she let out a long sigh.

“Everything okay?” Cash asked curiously, peering down at her to see she had finally started taking a few sips of her latte. Shay nodded her head and met his gaze with the faintest blush on her cheeks.

“Um, yeah, just sweet old Daisy adding another thing to our obnoxious to-do list. Looks like we’re heading up to Boston if that’s alright with you. Apparently, Daisy forgot she had an order to pick up at Wacoal when she and Pete were up there yesterday. You know, because they got…busy in the car…” Shay trailed in a slightly, sassy tone. Cash bit down on his lip as he recognized the name of the shop embarrassingly fast, though how could he forget that a great deal of Shay’s teasing little pajama sets had been purchased there. He should’ve figured Daisy would plan something like this to torment him into a confession, it would probably work too, just imagining Shay among enticing rows of lace and frill had his head spinning already.

“Sure, she just happened to forget to pick up her wedding night babydoll…Here put this on for me.” Cash said slightly breathless as he held up the sundress with an obvious blush on his cheeks. Shay raised her eyebrow at him again adorably, taking a longer sip of her latte and another nibble out of the pastel cookie.

“Hmmm, how did you know Wacoal sells wedding night babydolls, Cashton? That dress is a little fancy to just go shopping, are we going somewhere special?” Shay asked, her green eyes looked curious and sheepish as they met his but the hopeful tone that came out in her voice towards the end made Cash’s heart melt. It amazed him how Shay could be so fully self-aware and amazingly quick-witted but still not know Cash would die to make even the smallest thing feel special for her. Cash wasn’t sure why such a thing surprised him because their spat at lunch yesterday confirmed she didn't remember the fact that they had talked and seen each other two years ago…

“Yeah, I’m taking you out for brunch darling, so go get ready alright…” Cash said softly, trying not to let his brain get lost in such a hurtful memory. He focused on the pretty, yet sheepish smile she gave him before bouncing off to her bathroom to change. Cash let out a deep sigh and took a seat on the couch. Shay emerged from the bathroom sometime later, with her blonde hair in voluminous waves, her bangs cascading over her forehead and her makeup effortlessly applied, the floral sundress fit her new figure perfectly. Cash couldn’t explain it, but she looked like summer to him, soft, delicate, and warm in a way that evoked nothing but love and happiness within him. Cash forgot where he was for a second as he watched her walk towards her closet to fetch a pair of shoes.

“Pick the closed toed Gucci wedges, the restaurant apparently has a thing against sandals” Cash said with a small smirk on his face, Shay poked her head outside of the closet door for a moment and cutely arched an eyebrow at him from across the room. Cash chuckled under his breath, already having a general idea of what stopped her so abruptly in her cute tracks.

“Cashton Ewing knows designers now and yet, chooses to dress like a cute little mechanic.” Shay said with an amused note of disbelief in her voice before disappearing into her closet and reemerging with the shoes he had recommended. Cash couldn’t help but blush under her gaze, but it was mostly because the only reason he knew designers like that was because he’d seen her shopping on fifth avenue a few times… or trailed her there, its all the same to him really, no need to get technical…

“I’m a man of many talents Cherry Blossom. You and Daisy made Pete and I go to the mall with you almost the entirety of eighth grade, I was bound to learn a thing or two. Do you really think I look like a cute mechanic?” Cash said in a teasing tone, watching Shay’s cheeks tint a delightful shade of pink as she focused her attention on strapping on the designer shoes.

“Oh boy, I think I just saw your head grow three sizes, remind me to never use the word cute again. I know you went shopping with me and all, but you didn’t seem to like it, so I’m still allowed to be surprised Officer Ewing. I think I’m ready to go.” Shay said as she finished strapping on her shoes, Cash watched her rise to her feet and straighten out her dress before grabbing her purse off her nightstand. She looked absolutely breathtaking, and Cash found his eyes wandering all over her body again with a newfound hunger.

“You’re so beautiful, you know that….and I, um, didn’t like shopping, but I liked being with you, so it was a sacrifice I was willing to make. I’m assuming I’ll be making the same sacrifice later this afternoon. The mall with all the designer stores is like ten minutes from the restaurant, you know Cherry Blossom.” Cash said, forcing himself to focus his wandering gaze back on her face. Shay gave him a very timid smile in reply to his compliment.

“Thanks…It’s really all Daisy’s fault if you think about it, if she hadn’t forgotten her skimpy wedding night attire, we wouldn’t even be in the general vicinity Cashy.” Shay said with the same timid smile on her face. Shay wandered over to her bedroom door and gently pulled it open before shuffling out into the hallway and made her way toward the kitchen.

“Yeah, you’re right, it really is all Daisy’s fault” Cash chuckled, following her out of her bedroom and through the empty kitchen of the still Harris house. They quietly walked out of the front door into the warm summer air and walked down the front porch steps. Cash couldn’t help the sheepish grin that spread across his face when Shay gazed up at him with an amused but knowing glint in her green eyes.

“You can drive my car if you want…” Shay said in a cute, pointed tone as she gazed up at him with a coy smile and another cutely arched eyebrow. Cash looked down at her, feeling a touch bashful under her gaze.

“Are you sure, Pete dropped my truck off last night after I tore into him for ditching us, it’s just in the garage” Cash said softly with a bashful blush spreading across his cheeks. Shay nodded her head as she stared up at him with a large amount of amusement swirling in her pretty green eyes. Cash always loved the way her green orbs sparkled in the sunlight and the way they tinted a unique shade of teal when Plymouth’s deep blue water reflected in them on those long days they used to spend at the beach.

“Yeah, parking will be easier with my car, so here you go Cashy” Shay chuckled, handing him her keys with a coy smile on her face. Cash gladly accepted the keys from her small hand, but he found himself resisting the urge to wrap her up in his arms and twirl her around like a ragdoll.

“Alright, after you princess” Cash crooned, bounding down the driveway. Cash opened the passenger door of the slick green Audi with a giddy grin on his face as he gazed over at Shay adoringly.

“Princess? “Shay chuckled softly, Cash watched her make her way down the driveway and plop down onto the car seat with a giddy looking grin of her own. Cash bit his lip and gazed down at her for a moment before making his way to the other side of the car and slid into the driver’s seat.

“You’ve always been my passenger princess Cherry Blossom, don’t act so surprised” Cash said in a soft playful tone as he slid the key into the ignition and started the car. Shay looked over at him with a soft blush on her cheeks, Cash gave her a teasing wink and began to back the car out of the driveway.

“That was because Pete and Daisy were always trying to swallow each other in the back seat, and you were the first one to get a car out of the four of us.” Shay said gazing up at him from her spot in the car. Cash flashed her a reassuring smile and switched the car into drive to begin their short trip up to Boston for the day.

“Don’t get me wrong Shay, I loved having you next to me, you know. I’ve had no one to tell me when I’m going the wrong way for seven lonely years. I’ve missed you; you know. I’ve missed you a lot Cherry Blossom” Cash admitted sincerely, his blue eyes were soft and a bit vulnerable when they met her green ones briefly, from across the car. Shay gazed back at him in silence for a long moment, her eyes felt like they were trying to see inside of him, but her lack of response made Cash think he might have said the wrong thing too soon…

“I missed you too Cashy” Shay finally replied, just above a whisper after her green eyes seemed to find whatever it was they were searching for. Cash practically beamed at her as he turned the car on to the expressway. Shay smiled back at him, and Cash took note of the way her green orbs seemed to sparkle at him the same way they usually sparkled in golden beams of sunlight. As they began their short drive Cash couldn’t help but wonder if the sun was ever really the reason, they sparkled to begin with...

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The drive up to Boston was relatively quick but Shay made more small talk with Cash on the drive up than she had in years. Cash could tell she was excited by the way she rambled on and on about her favorite places to grab food while she was in Manhattan, her excitement made his heart swell. Though, Cash couldn’t tell if she was excited about going shopping later or if she was excited to spend as much time with him as he was with her. Both were welcome reasons to him though because just talking to her still gave Cash butterflies and made his heart flutter. He had missed the way it was when things used to flow this easily between them. Something that hadn't really happened since that Valentine’s Day back in eighth grade, it marked the beginning of his crush on Shay but also the start of her no longer expressing her feelings to him openly.

Cash still remembered walking out of the theater and into the lobby to find Shay with red puffy eyes. She wouldn't tell him why she was crying but she sure looked happy when Cash asked her if she wanted to go ice skating with him instead. They ditched Pete, Daisy, and annoying Opal May and went to the local ice rink where they giggled and shared hot chocolate like they always did. He still remembered how the wind caught ahold of the dainty pink ribbon in her golden hair, sending it swirling through the evening sky and how the pair of them chased after it until they fell.

They laid out on the ice for some time, laughing so hard they were on the verge of tears and yet, all Cash could think about was how much he wanted to kiss her. Then it started to snow, and the rink lights swirled around her in a way that made her look so much like an angel to him, Cash thought maybe he died. They eventually collected themselves enough to sit back up just as the dainty pink ribbon floated down from the sky and pooled in his lap. By then it felt like Shay was staring into his soul and he got too nervous to kiss her the way he wanted to. Before he knew it, they were eating pizza in her bedroom while they watched some Harrison Ford movie on her TV, the same routine they’d had for years but something about the way they held each other that night felt different. Nothing ever quite beat the feeling of Shay falling asleep on his shoulder after that night. At least until today…

From the moment Cash stepped out of the car it felt like everything between him and Shay seamlessly fell into place, and they found themselves in a familiar, yet comfortable little spot they hadn’t quite been in since they were teenagers. Cash knew Shay must have felt it too, because she let him hold her hand all the way from Contessa’s entrance up to their intimate roof top dining room. Cash wished he had his camera to capture the adorable, awestruck look on Shay’s face when they stepped off that elevator and ventured into Contessa’s elegant upscale waiting room. The look on her face only got better when they were led through the sun-soaked dining room and were sat at an intimate half circle booth overlooking the Boston Public Garden upon his request. They laughed and they talked, then they drank, and they ate in a carefree way that reminded him of the movie nights they shared with pizza in his moms’ basement. Only instead of his mom’s basement, they just so happened to be at one of Boston’s top rated romantic restaurants overlooking the very cherry blossom trees Cash named her after. Sadly, the trees weren’t in bloom but as brunch progressed smoothly, Cash got the feeling that maybe his and Shay’s “Will they, won’t they” romance was…

As brunch went on, they managed to steer away from their small talk topics and actually start catching up with one another. Cash wasn’t sure what it was, but something about this meal and this conversation suddenly made him feel closer to Shay than he had in twelve years. And it wasn’t just because Shay had gotten comfortable enough to throw her small legs on top of his halfway through, though he was very much enjoying having her practically on top of him. Cash had somehow managed to get Shay to talk about what pushed her to take a sabbatical in the first place, much to his delighted surprise. She was rather forthcoming about the teensy tiny mental breakdown she had at work a few weeks ago when one of their clients asked her, in her opinion, the dumbest question she’d ever heard. Cash couldn’t really blame her; he’d encountered his fair share of dimwitted customers in those fleeting days he spent behind a coffee counter in his youth.

“If you think that was a stupid question you should try explaining to a disgruntled soccer mom why the iced coffee she ordered had ice in it. I spent twenty minutes explaining the fact that I couldn’t make our hot coffee cold without adding ice and, she tried to get me fired.” Cash chuckled, Shay giggled and took another bite of her French toast with a small smile on her face.

“If you don’t mind me asking, why did you become a fancy VP of investment banking anyway? As I recall Cherry Blossom, you always talked about wanting to be a fancy chef, you were pretty darn good at it too, I still have dreams about that Brown Butter and Sage Squash Risotto you used to make with the, umm, little round pieces of fish things...” Cash trailed, looking over at Shay with a faint blush on his cheeks, he always seemed to forget basic English whenever he was around her. It didn’t help that Shay’s pretty green eyes were practically sparkling at him again. Cash couldn’t help but admire the way the golden mid-morning sun streamed in through Contessa’s large windows all around her because it made Shay look more ethereal to him than ever.

“…The scallops…” Shay chuckled with amusement swirling in her eyes as she gazed up at him. “Yeah, the scallops, but that’s not nearly as fun to say. So, I think I’m going to keep referring to them as ‘little round pieces of fish things” Cash said playfully, Shay shook her head at him and giggled softly to herself in a way that reminded him of that night at the ice rink all those years ago.

“Yeah, you asked me to make that dish for you a lot, Cashy. My mom still complains that she can’t get the smell of thawing scallops out of her fridge, but dad won’t let her buy a new one because it still works. And you’re right, I never wanted to be a VP of investment banking, but I didn’t get accepted into that culinary program I wanted and it’s kind of hard to practice in a college dorm room kitchen. Doesn’t matter now anyway, I don’t really cook anymore…” Shay admitted, Cash nodded his head though there was a big part of him that seriously doubted she didn’t get accepted into that program. Especially if she didn’t get any of the letters, he’d sent over the past seven years…

“The place on Wall Street was just the first place to offer me a job after I graduated, so I took it and now here I am, highly doubting I’m even going to go back.” Shay sighed; her green eyes looked heartbreakingly defeated to Cash as they stared back into his blue ones. Cash gave her a reassuring smile, tightening the arm he still had snaked around the small of her waist while his free hand ran down the length of her small shoulder and arm in soothing motions. It had been so long since Cash had been presented the opportunity to comfort her in such a way. She looked much too frail for him to touch that Thanksgiving they talked in his bedroom.

“Well, what’s stopping you from applying to another program Cherry Blossom, if you’re really unhappy with the job you have now?” Cash asked softly, continuing the soothing passes he was making on her arm as he gazed at her with soft blue eyes. He saw a faint blush spread across her cheeks, but Shay made no effort to pull away, in fact, she leaned further into him. Almost like she was contemplating whether to give him a hug or to move onto his lap completely. The mere thought of her doing either of those options had familiar butterflies fluttering in Cash’s stomach. Part of him wanted to do both, to pull her onto his lap and hug her forever but given their little spat yesterday, Cash wasn’t sure if Shay would be open to it.

“I don’t know, I guess I just don’t know if it fits who I am anymore.” Shay replied softly. Cash gazed deeply into her green eyes for a long moment. He halted the soothing passes on her small arm and reached up to stroke her cheek with a tender sort of affection. Shay, once again, leaned into him and his touch the way she used to when they were just two kids seeking comfort. Cash remembered the day he vowed to always let Shay seek comfort in him, that night he crawled through her window wailing at the top of his lungs when he was only nine. It was the aftermath of his father’s worst alcoholic rage to date, the one that finally landed him behind bars though Cash was too battered to remember most of it. All he remembered was crawling through her window and the way both of them clung to each other so tightly. They screamed every time someone tried to separate them, both of them wholeheartedly refusing to let each other go. Shay ended up riding with him in the ambulance and spending the night with him in his hospital bed…

“You still seem like the same Cherry Blossom to me.” Cash crooned, dragging his thumb along the slope of her cheek gingerly because she deserved all the tenderness, he could muster for being the light in such an otherwise horrible memory. Shay’s green eyes softened a bit at him in a way that felt like she could see his soul the same way he saw hers.

“Is that a bad thing…” Shay said, her voice sounded vulnerable this time and her eyes looked unbearably fawn like as they stared back at him. Cash shook his head, still stroking her cheek with his thumb, he let a reassuring smile dance across his lips.

“Not at all, it means you were perfect to begin with Cherry Blossom. I think you should try your hand at cooking again, Shay, take this sabbatical as a sign that maybe New York just wasn’t what fit. They have a culinary school just over in Cambridge you know, you could move back home, follow your dream, and start over.” Cash said, never letting his smile waver or his thumb stop its passes over the soft skin of her rosy cheek. Shay’s plump lips curved into a soft smile and her eyes glittered with the slightest trace of amusement.

“Well, aren’t you just full of compliments and flattery today. Honestly, I wouldn’t know where to start with starting over, I haven’t been in a real kitchen in seven years.” Shay said, her voice was soft enough for her words to come out like a soft hum. It reminded Cash of the nights Shay used to sing under her breath when she thought he had fallen asleep. Cash may have feigned being asleep on more than a few occasions just to listen to her pretty voice. Of course, then he’d actually fall asleep because the lull of her voice was so soothing to him back then, Cash bet it still was.

“I’ll cook with you while you’re here, can’t promise you I’ll be any good, but I’m more than happy to help you out Cherry Blossom.” Cash said a bit over zealously, but it was enough to earn him one of Shay’s adorable giggles and one of her more tantalizing, coy smiles.

“I’m not so sure I trust you in a kitchen Officer Ewing.” Shay said teasingly, Cash chuckled softly under his breath and halted stroking her cheek for the briefest second to give her one of his playful bops on the tip of her little nose.

“That’s rude Cherry Blossom, bad girl” Cash chuckled, Shay rolled her green eyes at his playful antics, but her coy smile had spread into a full-on grin by the time her eyes locked with his once more.

“I’m kidding, mostly…. If my memory serves me correctly, I’m not the only one here that didn’t end up with their dream job, as I recall you wanted to be a photographer. So how did you end up being a cop Cashy?” Shay asked with curious looking green eyes. Cash let out a soft sigh as he started to recall the interview, he missed at The Art Institute of Boston that summer before Shay went off to NYU. Cash had been trying to find the will to ask her to stay and put off her big city dreams for just one semester so she could apply to a school in Boston, but he didn’t want to be the person to hold her back. Truthfully, he only decided to go to the academy because he thought he could move to New York after he finished to be closer to Shay a lot sooner. That he’d be the one to shelve his dream instead because being with her was worth more to him, it didn’t matter though, by the time he saw her again, that Christmas, she was already dating Tyler.

“The same as you really, somewhere along the way I lost the passion for it and I didn’t think I was good enough at it to make a decent living, so I went to the academy…” Cash said softly, it wasn’t a total lie. After Shay left and started dating Tyler, he didn’t have the drive to go back to school and do what he wanted to.

“That’s not true Cash, you were more than good enough to make a decent living if you wanted to. You won the school photography show case three years in a row, you are very gifted.” Shay said with sincere green eyes that made Cash’s stomach do happy little flips. He could tell by the look in her eyes and the lull of her sweet voice, she meant every word and that was worth everything to him.

“Look who’s full of compliments and flattery now.” Cash said teasingly, he wondered if Shay had noticed all the bashful blushes, she had coaxed out of him today. Or if she could hear the way his heart was pounding again.

“I’m serious Cashy, they don’t just hand out first place awards to anyone you know. You should pick up a camera and take some pictures while you’re here. I have no doubts you’re still extraordinary.” Shay’s tone was surprisingly overzealous when she spoke to him this time and Cash couldn’t help but feel incredibly smitten. It was like he was fourteen again, blushing and hanging on to her every word like it was gospel.

“I won with pictures of you every year Cherry Blossom, I don’t think they were awarding the man behind the camera half as much as they were the pretty girl in front of it. Can’t say I blame them; you were my muse after all.” Cash crooned, finding that he was once again overcome with an almost primal urge to kiss her the same way he wanted to at the ice rink when he was fourteen. Cash cupped the side of Shay’s face in the palm of his large hand and gazed at her for what felt like an eternity, grappling with the idea but ultimately deciding it would be too much, too soon…

“Cash, if you agree to take a few pictures while you’re here, I’ll agree to cook something with you…” Shay said softly, her green eyes looked like they were searching his blue ones for something again. They always seemed to be doing that and Cash so wished he could ask her what it was she was looking for…

“Promise?” Cash asked, though the coy smile on Shay’s face was all the answer he really needed. Shay nodded her head in reply slowly, Cash felt his heart skip a beat when one of her small hands moved to mirror his action. He felt the soft skin of her delicate palm brush against the slope of his cheek in the same tender, affectionate caress he had hers.

“Promise” Shay said just above a whisper,

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After brunch, Cash and Shay set out to complete the tasks on Daisy’s Boston list. The two managed to maintain the harmonious dynamic they had fallen into back at the restaurant. They didn’t delve much deeper than that talk they had about their dreams, but Cash certainly thought it was a good start. At least he knew Shay didn’t dread being with him all that much, in fact she had confessed on the car ride up that she had missed him. Probably a fraction of how much Cash missed her but at least, she missed him. Which gave Cash enough hope that maybe there might be something between them after all and that maybe them working together might not all be for nothing. They mostly just laughed and talked about the past, the way you only do with an old friend with whom you share so many memories with. They ventured in and out of shops, ate ice cream, crossed a few of Daisy’s busy bee tasks off the to-do list. and walked up and down scenic Boston sidewalks before heading to that fancy mall with all the designer stores. Cash quite enjoyed watching Shay flit around the stores like a chipper little fairy as she tried on outfits and bought more stuff than she needed. Cash insisted on paying for at least part of it because Shay’s birthday just happened to be a couple days before Pete and Daisy’s over the top wedding.

 Shay timidly declined Cash’s offer to pay for anything with the cute excuse that “Brunch can be my gift Cashy, don’t worry.” Cash knew what she was doing though and promptly replied with

“You’re not going to trick me out of buying you a gift Cherry Blossom, I’m a cop not a peasant. I can afford to buy you something nice, trust me.”

And Cash did just that as soon as she slipped into the next dressing room. They eventually got around to discussing plans and ideas for the bachelor parties again but ultimately didn’t come to a consensus, but hey, Rome wasn’t built in a day. Luckily Shay seemed to be on the same page, she didn’t try to push Cash into agreeing to her idea, just yet… but both of them knew from years of experience, Cash was bound to cave eventually. At least where Shay was concerned that is. They decided to make the drive back down to Plymouth just before rush hour. When the golden late afternoon sun was high in the cloudless blue sky. The atmosphere on the car ride back was a bit different this time around, Shay was quiet, but Cash didn’t get the feeling she was upset. It was more along the lines of that comfortable silence they had fallen into at lunch the day before when it felt like everything that needed to be said was said. Obviously, Cash knew that wasn’t the case, they still had so much to talk about, so much baggage to unpack, so much that was left to be said. Cash supposed he could sum it all up for her, with three simple words. And he could, because they were true, and they reflected how he felt about Shay his entire life but for some reason those three words just didn’t feel like enough…

“Alright, I’ve got the bags princess” Cash said in a teasing tone that cut through the comforting silence, just as he turned Shay’s car back into the Harris driveway. Shay let out a soft chuckle and shook her head at him with a coy smile on her face.

“I don’t think you realize what a slippery slope you’re on, Officer Ewing. Today you took me to brunch, chauffeured me around, carried my bags all day, and tried to talk me into letting you buy me gifts for my birthday. You won’t be able get rid of me if you keep pampering me this way you know” Shay said coyly, Cash chuckled and turned the key out of the ignition before turning to gaze at her adoringly.

“Oh no, the most beautiful girl in Plymouth is going to attach herself to my hip! What ever will I do. You forgot, made you a latte with a pink heart in it, that you, didn’t even compliment.” Cash said with a mock pout on his face, Shay scoffed at him though her smile never faltered.

“That’s not true, I said it looked very pretty and I really did appreciate it Cashy. I’m still holding you to your promise to not wake me up before 9:30 however.” Shay said, giving him a pointed look before she opened her car door. Cash chuckled again, opening his own door before scooping up all of Shay’s new purchases and stepping onto the driveway.

“I have every intention of keeping that promise Shaylee Rose, as long as you hold up your end of the deal” Cash said following her up the Harris porch steps with an amused smirk on his face. He could hear Shay giggling under her breath at him as she unlocked the front door and held it open with an amused smirk of her own.

“And what was my end of the deal again?” Shay said in adorable mock confusion, Cash rolled his eyes to himself and walked into the still quiet Harris house. Cash made his way towards Shay’s room on a wave of familiarity and instinct, he sat all her shopping bags by her closet door before turning to look at her one more time. Shay looked at him, seeming to fall back in her sheepish proclivities from earlier this morning and a brief awkward silence hung in the air.

“So, I’ll, uh, see you tomorrow at 9:30 then…” Cash trailed, Shay nodded her head in acknowledgement but appeared to be lost in one of her daydreams. “Alright, then see later Cherry Blossom” Cash said having the sudden feeling that he was intruding. He made his way towards her window in long strides though he was well aware he could use the front door, using her window just felt right. So, Cash pushed the familiar white sill up and started his short journey home…

“Cash, wait” Shay’s voice came out sharply and suddenly, with enough tenacity to make Cash jump in surprise before he whirled around to look at her. Shay looked over at him with a bashful blush spreading on her cheeks.

“Yes princess?” Cash chuckled to himself, feeling both bashful and smitten under her gaze the same way he’d felt under her eyes since he was fourteen. Shay appeared to bite back a sheepish smile.

“Do you, uh, want to order a pizza and watch a Harrison Ford movie with me?” Shay asked, still looking incredibly sheepish. Cash nodded his head, over zealously again because he felt those familiar butterflies fluttering in his stomach when he turned to shut her window with a big grin on his face.

“Of course I do darling.”

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[purple-obsidian]

pulling my dick out again, but i feel so nervous i gotta scream it into the void. ignore this if you don't wanna hear about relationship drama.

told my bf i needed some space after finding out some awful shit he did, both in his past and continuing up to the present. when i confronted him, he didn't express any remorse until he realized i was going to leave him over it, which only confirms to me that he doesn't really think his behavior is wrong, he's just sorry he got caught. and it was bad, y'all. not cheating but i almost wish it was instead. its embarassing, and i was mortified.

there's been some other underlying issues we've had regarding communication and him being irresponsible. went to couples therapy for 9 months and he showed maybe 5-10% improvement, but like bare minimum. this realization was the final straw for me.

almost 4 year relationship at this point, live together, all the shit that makes things complicated. i want him to grow and change and get better, but he's proven to me time and time again that he cannot (or will not) grow and self-reflect to be a better person.

i told him i need space to think. i've been staying with a friend the past week and a half. minimal communication between us during this time, just a few texts. he scheduled an individual session with our old therapist, which is a huge step for him and something i've been begging for him to do for a while since doing therapy as a couple has yielded minimal results. and tonight after work i'm going to go home to speak with him and let him know i'm going to move out completely. my thought process is, he will either realize how bad he fucked up and it will light a fire under his ass to get his shit together (if not for the sake of our relationship then at least for himself) with the help of his therapist and we can reconnect in a few months to see where we are at. OR. 6 months from now, he'll be in the same place, stuck in his ways, and at that point i need to move on too and stop wasting my time.

but i am so so so so nervous to talk to him, when I tell you my heart yearns for him, i am still so enamored with him and can't stop thinkingabout all of the good parts of our relationship and how much i miss him. i worry that i'll lose my resolve and go running back to him and just excuse his disgusting behavior, which objectively wouldn't be healthy for either of us.

speaking this into the void in the hopes of someone holding me accountable. hopefully i'll reblog this later and say the convo went well and i stood my ground.