#and when i lived with my parents i couldnt eat then either because they treated me like a fucking freakshow for even

[mephilver]

cosmo and wanda i wish everybody who ever so much as looked in the kitchen while i was in there died

[mapliusoup]

some killjoys past headcanons part 2!!!! doing ghoul this time

last time i did the venom sibs and its my most popular post to this day so its time for my favourite little guy to be in the spotlight. i love him a lot okay

ghoul was born in a mexican family, who lived in the us close to the frontier. he had an older sister, a father and a mother.

ghoul was around four years old when BLI found them. his parents got killed but managed to get him and his sister to escape.

they catched them pretty quickly, though, and his sister got killed as well. they left him in the desert with some minor injuries, thinking he would die from dehydratation or get eaten by the rare animals that were still left in the desert at the time.

turns out he didnt. he somehow managed to stay alive. he barely knew how to talk, couldnt walk for long and had pretty much never interacted with people apart of his family.

he survived next years eating pretty much only trash, sleeping in the desert and running away from every people he saw from fear of being killed like his family. he got a lot of the scars he has to this day in thoses times

and one day, he met kobra.

if you didnt read my previous post and are too lazy to, kobra escaped gravel gerties (where he was living with party and jet and from where he had pretty much never gotten out) and got lost in the desert.

ghoul didnt know how to react when he saw kobra, but there was something about him- maybe the way he walked, slightly bent like he was scared of something, maybe the way his eyes darted from side to side like he didnt know where he was- he just knew kobra wasnt a threat.

ghoul treated human and animals the same way; and the best thing he thought of for making sure, completely sure that kobra wasnt dangerous was throwing an empty can down the hill, like for a dog, and when he saw that kobra actually went and got it, he got completely rid of any fear he had left.

ghoul didnt know how to talk. he remembered a few words of spanish, but all thoses years of being completely by himself made him forget pretty much everything.

kobra didnt really care, though. its not like he was good at talking either.

(also ghoul was around 14 at the time and kobra was 15)

they spent the next three months together, ghoul learning kobra how to survive (lots of the things he learned with ghoul saved his life later) and kobra learning ghoul how to do basic things like talk properly, act like a "civilized" person, etc

when kobra find his way back to gravel gerties, and found party and jet, ghoul thought he was going to be alone again. and weirdly, it terryfied him. because he had gotten used to kobras present, to the feeling of having someone watching your back, to the sensation of waking up and not being freezing cold, to have someone to hug. he didnt want to be alone.

and then kobra offered him to stay. and he just couldnt refuse, because he was tired, tired of having to worry about not being seen, tired to not know if you were going to eat next day, tired to not be able to really live.

and he accepted.

at first, ghoul was really startled by everything around- the people, mostly- but he got used to it. a lot was thanks to jet, who took special care of him, learning him to read and write and talk. and ghoul was happy, to have people who cared, people like party and jet and kobra.

he did have some troubles. he got in fights a lot, he has abandomnent issues and is scared of being alone. he has a lots of nightmares- and cant sleep in complete darkness.

he managed his anger by going to the zones fight ring. yes because i think theres a zone fight ring and if you disagree i will punch you

also he bites

(made this pretty quickly too so forgive me if theres mistakes)

[b0d1ly-st3w]

have my postal 1 dude headcanons because hes so meeeeee

tw for mentions of self harm

• hed just barely turned 20 by the time postal 1 happened

• a bit of a mallgoth, really loved nine inch nails and marilyn manson

• had a really bad self harm addiction back in highschool, he was 2 years clean by postal 1

• actually felt so bad for everything hed done, cant even hear fake gunshots without wanting to throw up

• i believe that the demon was responsible for his breakdown, it convinced him that everyone was poisoned and that he was the only one that could save them

• schizophrenic, has hurt himself before because voices convinced him to do so

• shy and selectively mute

• other postal dudes treat him like a kid because of his age (postal 4 dude is his parental figure)

• asshole dad who was never around

• smokes like a chimney, anytime anyone sees him he always seems to have a cigarette in his hand

• great with kids, thats why he couldnt bring himself to hurt them

• the funeral ending was a hallucination (ik thats redux but they are practically the same leave me alone)

• the most traumatised postal dude

• would probs be a mitski stan

• autistic, bites the other postal dudes

• loves cats

• bisexual and in denial (has a fat crush on every single member of nin)

• just starts screaming randomly, but not in a funny way like a genuine terror way

• stares at people with his autism eyes

• wears his sunglasses everywhere

• lives off cheese and vodka (hes like an alcoholic mouse)

• absolutely loves horror movies, gets postal 4 dude to watch them with him

• scared of corkscrew, but corkscrew really likes him and feels the need to protect him

• suffered from anorexia at a young age, sometimes has days where he literally cant eat anything without crying

• people pleaser, changes his entire personality to make people happy

• loves wool sweaters, practically lives in them

• always cold

• drinks to forget

• gets randomly angry for no apparent reason, will start punching the shit out of people and screaming

• against the big light prefers lamps

• will just sit in the corner and listen while people talk

• loves pepperoni pizza

• still has braces

• probably loves hello kitty but will never admit it

• shoplifts literally anytime he goes into a store, steals things for other postal dudes

• would violently sob to real men by mitski

• bullys postal 4 dudes music but actually likes it (can you tell i love the idea of them being friends?)

i added more because ive got so many headcanons for this emo loser <3

• really picky with what he can eat, will spit anything out he doesnt like

• his family where heavily religious, thats why he wears a cross

• can fall asleep literally anywhere

• defos a stoner

• practically lived at korn concerts

• likes hugs but also despises being touched

• corkscrew carries him about everywhere, gives him piggybacks all the time

• either completely stone cold or really giggly and happy, there is no in between

• uses :⁠-⁠) :⁠-⁠P :⁠-⁠O :⁠-⁠( when texting

• probably likes cannibal corpse

• chop suey! by system of a down is his anthem

• spins around in circles to stim, postal 2 guy joins in because funni

• steals peoples jackets

• would be absolutely cracked at hatsune miku project diva

• has a hyperfixation on music and plays bass

• i think he would be really soft spoken most the time

• when hes drunk hes absolutely mayhem, runs around and throws cushions at people

• tried to give himself a stick and poke and got mad when it didnt look good

• if postal 1 was set in the early 2000s i think hed be an emo

• goes nonverbal often, hardly ever speaks

• claustrophobic, will start crying if he feels trapped

• hates parades (unless its a pride one #ally)

• (⁠●⁠_⁠_⁠●⁠) stares at people like this

• tooth gap<3333

• hates wearing bandages around his arms because theyre itchy and uncomfortable

• probably had an entire bag of bandaids on standby

• ik he canonically has sorta short hair but i like to think its really long

• wanted a mohawk

• wears eyeliner but will deny it even though its so obvious

• he did have a girlfriend at one point but she left him because he was strange (autism making him bitchless💀)

• ik this makes no sense but i think it would be funny af if he was scottish, like all the other postal dudes expect him to sound like them but then he starts speaking in the heaviest scottish accent imaginable (and before you say im only saying that because hes ginger im scottish so im actually projecting get it right)

• gave himself so many piercings but half of them closed up

• likes flavoured tea, his fav is peppermint

• would probably have a crush on tyler durden

• not really a hc but imagine him falling asleep on the sofa and postal 4 dude covering him with a nice fluffy blanket and giving him a little kiss on the forehead like dads in movies 😭😭😭

• wanted to be a musician growing up

• would watch the entire saw franchise in one sitting

• postal 4 dude always checks his arms and makes sure hes eaten, but he doesnt get upset with him if he does relapse or doesnt eat because he knows hes trying

• everyone tells him all their drama because they know he wont tell anyone (he knows everything)

• no one is willing to argue with him because he will either start crying or attack them

• probably bipolar

• signed postal 2 guys petition

• probably rabid/j

• really good at art

• scared of seagulls

• hes really lanky and tall

• (⁠;⁠ŏ⁠﹏⁠ŏ⁠) default facial expression

• red is his favourite colour

• hes an anti-shaggin moment/ref

• will just lay on top of people with absolutely no care whatsoever

• really bad at helping others, hed probably awkwardly giggle at someone crying

• he likes stuffed animals, has a whole collection of them because he was never allowed them when he was a kid

• if you asked him his pronouns hed probably bite you (he doesnt understand)

• if demon ever got a physical form all the dudes (excluding 1) would team up and beat its ass

• demon still appears sometimes and even tells 1 what to do, but he does his best not to listen

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TW!! SLIGHT DESCRIPTION OF S/H

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• one time postal 3 dude was just going downstairs to get some water and found 1 on the floor sobbing, hed had an episode and sliced his arm pretty bad, 3 did his best to help and swore he wouldnt tell 4 but he found out anyways

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• hates chocolate cake with every fibre of his being

• paints his nails all the time, comes downstairs every day with a new colour

• one of the dudes got him a copy of pretty hate machine on cd for christmas and it was his most favourite thing for months

• loves little insects, willingly picks them up

• collects so much random shit its insane

i got more

• can never sit in pure silence because there always seems to be noise, but really its all in his head (this is based on some of the tracks from the redux soundtrack as obviously some of them are just unintelligible noise)

• picks at his skin alot

• used to skip school alot, but always did well in tests and exams

• cant swim

• actually really loved school

• salt and vinegar crisps man

• actually tried to quit smoking but failed horribly

• uses internet slang and postal 4 guy has absolutely no fucking clue what hes on about

thats all i got

[not-me-haha]

If only.... -yjw

ELEVENTH CHAPTER: Yoonjae and Jungwon

Yoonjae walked beside you almost leading the way as though he knew exactly where you lived. You were silent, worried about Jungwon and what would you even talk about with Yoonjae right now? Until he initiated a conversation.

"I'm sorry Y/N, I didnt mean to hurt you before. Hopefully the scratch didnt hurt much" he stopped to look at you, he seemed genuinely sorry. You instantly forgave him, "Its alright, but may I ask why did you fight Jungwon even though you are friends?" You wanted to know, you wanted to know why he went through all that just to be friends and why was he so happy when they settled everything with a thumb fight.

"Oh that's actually a long story. Me and Jungwon, we've been friends since forever, ever since we were newborns. That time his parents were always home so my parents would leave me at Jungwon's. It was as if it was my own home. We were like brothers, playing together, eating together, training together, we even got our first grade certificate together. We, we were best friends."

Yoonjae took a pause after saying all that. They must've been really close, but the story didn't make sense to you just yet.

He continued, looking at you with a smile, "Now I may sound childish here, but I'll go on." You gave him a comforting smile, looking at him as if you were eager to know and were interested.

"Me and Jungwon always trained together, did almost everything together but somehow he was always better than me. It didnt bother me at all to be honest until everyone started calling me out for it."

Closing his eyes Yoonjae took a deep breath and suddenly a memory flashed and you could see it. Yoonjae was using his powers to show you his memory. The memory consisted of a bunch of people either gossiping amongst each other looking at Yoonjae as if he was an embarrassment, who you could see from your perspective, or some people talking to him directly.

'I cant believe that this guy trains with Jungwon, like the difference gosh.'

'Yoonjae dear, what grade are you? Oh lower than Jungwon. But dont you both train together?'

'Maybe he just doesn't have talent.'

'I don't even know why Jungwon hangs out with a low grade like him.'

It was painful. Everything they said definitely must've hurt. After the memory was over Yoonjae opened his eyes and left the breath he had held during this whole time. You looked at him with a sad expression. You wanted him to know you were sorry for him but not like you were pitying him. He pressed his lips in a straight line and then continued talking.

"I was annoyed and I wanted everything to stop. I didnt want to feel any hatred or jealousy against my best friend but I couldnt even help it. I held it all in and tried training harder copying Jungwon's footsteps but, nothing helped, he succeeded even more. It was a huge gap for me to cover. After all that Jungwon told me about how he didnt like his vampire life, he wanted a group of human friends, a family that wouldn't talk about blood and eating shit all the time, a family that wouldn't pressurize him for doing something he didnt want to. Jungwon, he didnt want to fight, noone, and that frustrated me. I was trying to be someone who didnt even want to be that someone. So I told that to his parents, which I regret so much. Soon his relationship with his parents worsened and it was as if I was against him too. He stopped talking to me not because he was mad but he now felt like an embarrassment. His parents were too harsh on him and I didnt do anything. I hated it, hated seeing him like that but it seemed like he forgot all about the time when we were friends, everything we did, our handshake, how we settled a fight by playing thumbfight, our jokes, everything. I was so angry I didnt realise how he was being treated at home and wanted to show him that I was better. Following him around with my so-called friends just to make him fight. I couldn't believe the fact that he forgot about us until that day when he initiated the thumbfight to settle everything. He remembered, no he never forgot. And since then I have decided to always be by his side, no matter who's in front."

You both stopped walking and turned around to look at each other. You smiled at him, the story was so heart-touching. You placed your hand on his shoulder and said, "you're a good friend." He gave you a huge smile.

"Well my house is just down the lane. Thank you for walking me home. I'll see you soon and please take care of Jungwon." Saying that you waved at Yoonjae who nodded at you. "Wait Y/N! Stop no!" He yelled, rushing towards you.

"Well, well, well look do we have here. Yoonjae how could you get such a pretty girl? What's your name honey?" Asked a tall figure coming out of the shadows. It was a tall boy with black hair and his hands in his pockets. He walked over to you as you moved back towards Yoonjae.

"Why are you here Rakah?"

Masterlist hehe

[celestialpotat0]

nights

one of my close friends got engaged, she invited me to her engagement party. because the proposal was a surprise and was after my work time off request deadline had already passed, i told her i'd have to wait until the schedule was released and i'd most likely be able to switch with someone to attend her engagement party.

the schedule came out and her engagement party was smack dab in the middle of 7 nights of graveyard shift that i got scheduled. which i didn't expect and was completely unaware in advance that i'd be scheduled nights. unfortunately i couldn't switch with anybody so sadly had to tell her that i would have to miss her engagement party. if the week of nights were any other week i wouldve been able to attend. or if i had any other shift than nights this weekend.

i saw her in march and she told me that plans had changed and it actually was going to be her wedding. i was really sad that i couldnt make it because i've been friends with her for 10 years and it breaks my heart that i couldn't be there with her on a once-in-a-lifetime momentous occasion for her wedding on april 9 in socal.

to make matters worse, my aunt's funeral was also this same weekend on april 8 in socal. and i couldn't attend either because of being scheduled nights.

as much as it sucks sometimes that i have to miss events like close friends' weddings and family members' funerals, i remind myself that patients in need require us hospital workers to make sacrifices. i went to a code yesterday and a v long code today and as i worked at bedside and interacted with the other team members to stabilize the patients and prevent respiratory/cardiac arrests, i very much felt that we were all there together to try to do some good. i knew that nobody who was there working in the middle of the night particularly wanted to work overnight instead of during the day, but we were all there for the patients. every time i messaged or got phone calls from providers i was thinking about how they are also up all night just trying to keep their patients alive. i just hope for the best for all of my colleagues and hope they keep their spirits up and don't get burnt out. it is kind of a beautiful thing to see us all working together as a team to keep the patient alive, people jumping in to help each other out, nurses who help me by going to get some IVF or drugs from omnicell for me, pass supplies to me, write labels on meds I draw up, clear trash from my workstation, etc.

the weather has finally gotten less rainy and i am thrilled spring has sprung! i went on a cruise last month because my sis and i paid for our parents to cruise (it is nice to be able to treat my parents now after how indebted i am to them and how much i've just taken taken taken from them my whole pitiful life.) it was freezing cold and rainy on the deck and we were stuck at sea for three days lol due to really windy conditions. the ship was rocking so significantly. but i absolutely loved the performers on the ship. i loved watching the talented singers, dancers, and musicians. i just sat by myself on numerous occasions soaking in the music, taking it slow, living in the moment. the cruise was from monday to friday and i had only 1 alcoholic drink for the entire cruise because i wanted to have a sober vacation. i was working out and staying active, eating in moderation, and didn't drink, and it felt great to treat my body well. also loved meeting people from so many different countries.

i dont mean to complain about my schedule. at the end of the day, i am grateful that i enjoy my work. sure, i constantly have to tell my friends that i cant join whatever normal things they want to do on weekends or evenings, but i think that makes me appreciate my time off even more. so that when i DO get a vacation or a weekend off, i feel happier. and the work shifts go by in the blink of an eye and i am never bored. i get to do what i love.

only two more night shifts before im off for a week and traveling to explore nature. yippee!

[vintage-marina]

A woman out of time chapter 5

TW: talking about death of a loved one

wordcount: 2628 words

You left his cabin and stood outside on the deck of the Dauntless, the Navy men who took you to the Commodore were ahead of you and showed you your bedroom for the following weeks or maybe even months. They didn't look really excited for you, maybe it was misogyny, maybe they still thought you were a pirate, maybe they thought that a woman on a ship would bring misfortune or maybe a mix of all three.

Hopefully they didn't saw your red eyes that would signal that you were on the verge to cry but even if they noticed it they didn't said anything. You were lead to below deck and to a small room.  Thankfully it had a door with a lock and the three Navy men went away after they gave you a foul look, you ignored it and stepped inside. The room was little and smelled a lot better then the cell you were in, it had a small bed and a desk in it. You stepped further into the room and you saw that on your bed laid two bundles of clothing, one for sleeping and one for during the day. The sleeping wear was a simple cotton shift that went to your knees and the other bundle was an old looking outfit from the Navy, possibly from a retired Navy man. You folded the clothes and walked to the desk, it didn't had any engravings like the Commodore had but it was bare and reminded you of home. Home, you really wanted to go home again, to see your friends but most of all you wanted to see your parents and your sibling again, not that they were alive. You shooked your head and focused on your surroundings again, on the desk laid a bowl with water and a cotton cloth. You walked towards your door and locked it.

You took of your combat shoes, you stripped from your green leather suit that had safety straps and pieces of vibranium on it and took of your gloves with your ring on it. The suit you layed on the chair by your desk, the heavy shoes with a steel nose shoved you under the desk and the gloves with your ring you layed on the desk itself. You unclasped your sport bra and slid on the shift, it was comfortable. Until now you realised how sore your muscles were and you stretched yourself and gave a spin to your vibranium arm. It gave a loud mechanical sound and you widened your eyes in surprise, maybe that wasn't the best idea. You hoped that nobody heard that strange sound and you walked fast towards your new bed, you laid your new clothes on your suit and stepped inside your bed. If somebody did hear that you could always say: ''huh I didn't hear any sounds, maybe you were imagining that. I was asleep.''

You tossed a few times around and your eyelids grew heavy, nobody stormed inside of your room and it was safe to say that nobody heard you. The ship rocked gently on the waters and with that you felt asleep.

A few hours later

You woke up somewhat refreshed and cleaned your face with the cloth and the water that was given to you. You tried to pull back your hair but without a mirror you couldn't see anything so you could only guess that it looked okay-ish. The Caribbean weather was really hot and although you couldn't leave your beloved suit, you had to. You were sweathing in that thing and you possibly would die of a heathstroke. You slipped of the shift and you put on your sport bra. With the same cloth you washed your body and you took the Navy outfit from the chair, you changed into the white pants, buttoned up a white blouse with white cuffs and above that you wore a white waistcoat. You took the red coat off the chair and swung it on your shoulders. The uniform didn't fit properly, the pants were to long, it was a little bit tight by your hips and the blouse was to oversized. What really comfortable was but it did look a bit weird with your waistcoat above it, but luckily the coat was fine. Your shouders and arms weren't to big for them and it sat really nice on your shoulders. You snatched your gloves off the desk and put it on, your ring went into your pocket and you stepped outside your room.

Outside of your room you could hear the coughing, the mumbeling and groaning of some of the men. Probably in a room where nobody could see them, but before you went to them you needed to retrieve your medpack. On the way you were still asking yourself why Jack Sparrow so familiar was, but you couldnt put your finger on it. You walked on the chairs but with each step you were hoping that your pants didn't rip. Outside on the deck, you felt your face tinteling Your face from the sun and you sniffed the salty sea air in your lungs. Men were working on the deck  but you didn't see James, maybe in his cabin then. Your boots were loud on the wooden deck and you maked your way to his cabin. You knocked a few times on his door to alert him and you stepped inside. It looked like he was about to leave, his posture straight. But when he eyed you his posture went even more stiff. His face fell, like he didn't want you to be here and he didn't meet your Y/E/C eyes, instead he looked at the door that was behind you. You really did hurt him huh? You shuffeled uncomfortable with your feet and clasped your hands behind your back.

''I uh.. I'm here to retrieve my medpack Commodore.'' He gave a tight lipped smile but didn't say anything instead he only gave you your medpack. You gave a soft thank you and you made your way out.

Infirmary

There were circa 10 men in the makeshift hospital and a men fussing about them. The boat was rocking on the waters and some of them were emptying their stomachs in a wooden bucket because of it. You could see the sweat on their foreheads and the yellow puss on their bandages, the smell was disturbing and it made you almost gag. Sympathy washed over you, they were in pain and the medicine from the 18th century didn't help them either. The medic stood over a sickly looking man, dabbing a cotton cloth on the man his stomach.

''Here, let me do it,'' you walked towards the two men and you took the cloth out of his hand. ''How peculiar,'' mumbeled he under his breath, but he didn't protest like you expected. You opened your medpack and picked a bottle of desinfectant handgel. The man who was laying on his bed was eyeing you curiosley but didn't had the energy to ask, the other men were or sleeping or zoning into nothing.

''Before you are going to treat the patient it is necessary to wash your hands with soap or disinfect them, otherwise bacteria can spread to the patient and any further damage must be avoided-'' he nodded but he said: ''what do you mean with that?''

You poured a bit of gel on your hands and on the surgeon, but he looked weirdly at the substance on his hands ''sorry I thought you knew of Leeuwenhoek's his discovery-'' ''ofcourse I heard about his theory, it is absurd!'' ''It's not! Just rub that gel in your hands alright?''

In your medpack were laying handgloves, you picked two and tossed them towards the man. ''Here wear this, clean hand gloves can help against cross contamination. With cross contamination you can spread bacteria from products on other products. ''

You looked up from your medpack towards the surgeon, ''I'm surprised that you don't even argue with me, why?'' He looked surprised at your comment, ''To be honest, I do not really know why. You are talking about things that I never heard off and it makes me wonder if I really have knowledge in what I do. But I still think that bacteria thing is absurd!'' You laughed a bit at his ridiculousness.

''I do think you have knowlegde in your profession, doctor-'' ''Thomas Smith.'' ''Doctor Smith, but I also think that you can learn so much more, so let me show it to you.''

During the rest of your day you showed him how to clean infected wounds, the weather was cooler and you could see the relieve on the men of the faces. You told him tips and tricks how to treat infected wounds, like with sterile honey and how you should wash your hands and your equipment. He got your name and it was pleasant to work with him, he didn't make stupid comments like some of the pigs on this ship and he asked questions when he didn't get something.

''Preferably we like to disinfect our equipment with special substances, but I see that you do not have that and I can't get it for you, so listen very carefully. You can disinfect your equipment with gin or wodka. The alcohol in those two drinks will break down the bacteria, you got me?'' He nodded, ''but you need it to rest it for a whole day. Other ways are to boil your equipment in boiling hot water, bake your equipment or heat up your equipment under a flame. Further everything should be clean your hands, your clothing, the room itself, just everything. And you need to wash your hands regularly and pick new handgloves, dont touch your head or anything with your freshly washed hands otherwise you need to clean it again.''

The two of you were treating the wounded and you couldn't help but to notice how sick some of them were looking, they probably were going to die with the lack of medication that you had. But you did everything that you could do.

It was dinner time and you made sure that Thomas was cleaning his hands afterwards you did too. He looked at you nervous, like he was afraid to say something.

''Y/N-'' ''yes?'' ''Do you think they will make it?'' You looked towards the ground, your eyes not meeting with his. You noticed that some of them were looking bad, like they were on their death trial. ''Some of them, but I'm also afraid that some of them will not make it, 'm sorry. I don't have much medicine left,'' he nodded, his mood getting more depressing. ''All we can do is treating their wounds and making sure that they eat well and let them live their remaining days in peace.''

The two of you were making your way through the mess hall and into the kitchen.  There were already men eating their food in peace, you saw that they stuck by their rank. The Navy men were still giving you dirty looks but you also could see a glimpse of desire in some of them. Disgusted by their behaviour you maked sure that at all times you were alert. Coming into the kitchen you fetched the food that the cook had made for them, it was vegetable soup with pieces of chicken in it.

Thomas and you both had two bowls in your hands and were walking towards the infarmary, in the mess hall you couldn't spot James so you thought he was in his cabin. The men were chattering and there was a gleeful aura. But that couldn't say the same about you or Thomas, oh how they don't know. It wasn't like you were sad or anything but you felt helpless, they really could have lived if only they had the right medication. In Thomas his eyes tears were forming and you could see his lip tremble. Arriving in the makeshift infirmary you set down the bowls of soup by each nightstand and repeated your action untill everyone had gotten their food.

An old man was sitting up in his bed, he picked up his food from his nightstand and tried to eat it. He picked up the spoon with shaking hands and you saw that he spilled some on his shirt.

''Sir, let me help you,'' you walked towards the man and sat on the empty spot of his mattress.

''You know, when I got my shaking my wife helped me. But after her death,'' tears were falling on his cheeks. ''After her death, I was on my own and it has gotten worse. I really miss her.'' choked he out. ''I understand, it has gotten lonely isn't it?'' You took the bowl from the man and feeded him, ''yes it really is.''

''The loneliness is not so bad when I'm around these boys, you know? You get distracted easily, you chatter or you you're doing your job. But when you and your thoughts are alone, you're going to think and think. And then you're thinking about your loved one, how you miss them or what their voice was like and then you are suddenly aware that they are really dead and not just upstairs or something, you know? You get reminded of your loneliness and you get reminded that you can never speak to them ever.''

''I completely understand what you're saying sir.''

he didn't say anything for a couple of minutes, after he finished his soup you gave a light squeeze in his hand.

''You lost a loved one too?''

''Yes sir, multiple.''

''I'm sorry for your loss'' he said to you and he gave a light squeeze into your vibranium hand, just like what you did to him earlier. He didn't noticed that he gripped metal or if he did he didn't said anything about it.

''Thank you sir. You too.''

''You can call me Gary,'' he gave you a reassuring smile.

''Okay Gary, you can call me Y/N.'' and you smiled back.

You stood up from his bed and you walked over to Thomas, he was feeding another patient of yours.  he was sitting on a bed and you kneeled beside him and whispered: ''Thomas I'm gonna find the Commodore and I'm gonna inform him about the statics.''

''Alright,'' you heard him softly whisper to you. You took the stairs and walked towards the deck of the Dauntless, on the furthest point of the ship you could spot two people discussing things with each other. The more you closed the distance the more you noticed the figure of the Commodore.

''Commodore?''

The two turned around and James noticed the raggy old Navy suit that you had on.

''Yes?''

''We need to talk it's about your men.''

''I will let you two alone then,'' said Groves to the both of you and maked sure to leave.

''Y/N, what is wrong with my men?''

You were mulling about how you should say it, but it was for the best that you said it straight forward.

''Some of them are not gonna make it, they are gonna die in a few days and sadly there's nothing to prevent this.''

His face fell and you could see the cracks of emotion through his awkwardly stiff posture.

''There's nothing? Have you looked into our medicine shelve?''

''Yes I have, but most of them are highly addictive and don't kill what needs to be killed.''

He deeply sighed and runned a hand over his face.

''Have you told them?''

''No I did not, I'm planning to.''

He excused himself out of the conversation and walked downstairs having a last conversation with some of his crew.

[just-my-fandom]

It's A... (Peter Parker x Stark! Reader)

Request; Could you please write a Peter Parker x Stark!Reader fic in which they start a family (or have just started a family) and Tony is alive and well? Thank you <3

+ R2; Reader and Peter with a baby reveal of the gender 💙

I will admit I absolutely did not like writing this one shot 😕

__________________________________________

"Love, please sit down," Peters hands circle at your wrists, pulling you away from the counter of the kitchen and into the living room

"But I gotta finish cooking, everyones going to be here soon," You whine, looking back at the spaghetti sauce that needed to be stirred and noodles that needed to be drained, "Pete," You complain,

"You've been working way to much today," Peter soothes, slipping his hands to your stomach and looking down at the large bump, "I'll finish the spagetti, go get every thing else ready for the shower,"

"What are you hoping for?" You ask quietly, hand placing itself over his and grabbing his fingers,

"Girl, definitely," Peter grins, and you laugh, head leaning back,

"What, so you can kick out all the boys who step foot on our porch? Im hoping for a boy, Spider Man 2.0," You press a finger to Peters chest, who rolls his eyes then looks over at a knock,

"Knock knock," Tony shouts from across your home, and you slide from Peters grip to slightly jog up to the door,

"Dad!" You grin, "Good, you can help Peter with the food since he wont let me," You pout, Tony laughing and pecking your forehead before stepping in, following Peter into said kitchen,

"Gift for the oncoming mom," Happy steps in, holding up a bag with blue polka dots and a pink ribbon, "Dont worry, doesnt have a label for either gender,"

"Thank you, Happy," You smile softly, setting the bag on a fold out table Peter set up, and look over as a door closes,

"The best friends have arrived!" Ned runs up to you, hands on your arms and then to your stomach, "I really hope this ones a boy,"

"Peter and Dad want a girl," You groan, and smile at him, "Glad someones on my side,"

"Hey, when do I get a say in this?" MJ greets you with a side smile, holding up a box the color blue with pink tape, "I say boy. Just so you wont hate me if it is a girl,"

"I could never hate you," You pout, "May should be here soon, I'm going to go wait outside for my dad's side of the family,"

"Shouldnt you be resting?" Ned question, your glare causing him to clam his lips shut,

"Just because I am pregnant doesnt mean I cant walk for Christ's sake, Im not old and dying," You snarl,

Ned sticks his hands up, MJ taking your arm and following you outside,

"Who owns a black car?" She asks, and you look over to see a group of five people,

"Its my Uncle Steve," You laugh, "I'll be right back, keep your phone on speed dial in case I trip and die," You tease,

You walk down the stone walkway of your home, Steve standing up from the front seat of his car, accepting your embrace,

"How're you handling, Y/N?" Steve asks, as Natasha and Wanda jog up to you, almost jumping in excitement as they touch your stomach and giggle,

"Everyones treating me like glass," You groan, arms sticking out so Bucky would get the hint and hug you lightly, "I can't even cook spaghetti without Peter telling me to sit down,"

"You're about to have a baby," Sam raises his eyebrow, and smiles, "They're just preparing for when he or she arrives,"

"He," You firmly point, "It better be a he because I am not allowing Peter to win this war by getting a daughter,"

"Wouldnt you want to doll her up?" Wanda asks, and you shrug, "I'm okay with having another spiderman around the house, maybe the baby will inherit his powers or whatever,"

"I have the box!" May shouts from two cars down, your eyes looking to see her and MJ pulling out a brown box with a string, "I dont even know what colors are inside, I made my next door neighbor do it for me,"

"You're really eager to find out what it is arent you May?" You snicker, and she jumps up and down, clapping,

"Can we please do the reveal before we eat?"

"Already planning that," You follow the group back into the house, "I dont want to get so nervous that I throw my food back up, so we're gonna do it first. I think everyones here," You exhale,

"Okay okay okay!" May squeals, "Lets go, backyard!"

. . . . . . .

"I cant do this,"

You release the string, stepping back as the crowd in front of you shouts for you to pull,

"I'm so scared!" You exclaim, Peter laughing as he takes your hand, grasping it tightly,

"Everythings going to be just fine," Peter pecks your lips warmly, "Whether its a girl or a boy I will love it,"

You breathe out, hand grabbing the string over top Peters, and counting to three out loud, you tug on the box, watching in astonishment as the bottom of the box opened, two colored ballons falling out and landing over you,

Silence fills the air as you catch a pink balloon, turning to Peter as he picks up a blue balloon, eyes on you then moving down to the letters on the balloon,

"We're having twins," He exhales, a smile breaking onto his lips, "We're having twins!"

"A boy and a girl?" You run your hand through your hair, eyes filling with tears as you grin, dropping the balloon,

"No no no," Peter steps forward, embracing you, "Dont cry love,"

"This is amazing," You rest your chin at his shoulder, looking over when screams erupt and your family is running at you,

"Watch the stomach!!" Peter shrieks, and you laugh as arms wrap around you, bringing you into a group hug you havent had in years,

"Im gonna be a grandpa!" Tony shouts, pausing to process this information, "I feel old,"

Laughter follows behind, your hand wiping your cheek as you throw an arm around Tonys neck, looking up at your father,

"Thank you for not giving up on me dad. I couldnt have done all this without you,"

Tony looks down at you, smiling warmly and pressing a hand to your back, lips at your forehead,

"Congratulations," He murmurs, eyes watching as the avengers and your high school friends surrounded Peter, "Now you gotta think of names,"

"God, I was so worried about the gender I didnt focus on the names," You groan, "I just wanna eat and sleep,"

"And you can," Tony smirks, "But first, gifts,"

"I think that's the only thing Im excited about. Come on, lets help Peter before he gets struck with parental facts,"

[petty-revenge-stories]

You Almost Ruin my Academic Career? Expect Me to Hold a Grudge!

Long story with a ton of details, but I’ll keep it simple. A girl named Bee and her cohorts terrorized my dormitory last year. It was mine, and their first year living with over 30 girls, and it seems Bee couldn’t let go of whatever high school popularity she had. So she caused drama, manipulated others, stupid stuff like that.

One such incident was writing nasty things on a whiteboard about herself and claiming that it was another girl who did it on our dorm’s Facebook group chat. I got sick and tired of her bullsh*t and called her out on it, and got the support of others she’d mistreated. Bee in turn decided that I was going down.

Coincidentally, she got kicked out of the dorms for smoking and drinking inside (a big no-no, we’re a dry campus) and had nothing to lose. We got into a fight, a verbal one. She called the R.A. and claimed that I had threatened to kill her. I did no such thing. Bee’s family has money, and she would flaunt it by wearing designer clothes with branding/eating fancy food she bought/constantly bragging that she had thousands of dollars to spend freely. This school doesn’t want to deal with lawyers, or wealth that may supersede their own, so guess what? They kick me out of the dorms to avoid that.  Right before Christmas break I was told my contract was terminated (they did not coincidentally ask for my side of the story. Hmmm.) And I had 24 hours to leave. With my exams done I had little choice but to call my dad in tears to come get me, and proceed to pack up my entire room for the next 3 hours. While that was going on, Bee continued to watch from her room (she for some reason was allowed to stay a few extra days. Again, hmmmm.). 

To explain why this would have f*cked up my academic career: I lived at the dorms because at that time I survived on my student loan, which wasn’t a lot. I couldn’t afford to rent a room due to financial issues. My family and I lived in a rural area 4 hours away. So, that meant if I wrote a letter of appeal and it was rejected, I would be forced to pull out of the school, which was the cheapest that I could afford on my finances for my program. Thus, my academic career would be in a perpetual state of f*cketry, while I tried to find work to save up enough, and then also repay what I already took out when my “grace period” on the loan ran out. So, I wouldn’t be able to pay for university and a place to live, nor did I have relatives in the city. You better believe I was pissed off at her. Others were too. Her royal b*tch self had been bragging online about how she’d gotten me kicked out, how I was “some poor pathetic fat goth b*tch”.

Well. Little did she know that those messages were forwarded to me by one of her “friends” who had become disgusted by her behavior. I provided them in a letter of appeal I wrote to the school to let me back in. It thankfully went to someone who wasn’t afraid of Bee’s money or lawyers and I was allowed back in. Her letter was instantly denied according to rumor. And her parents weren’t merciful either when they found out about not only breaking the rules, but saw how she treated people. So she was forced to find a probably expensive apartment to rent in the city on her own dollar, or live with her parents (the apartments near the school are pricey and the market here is bad).

How does this get petty? Today after not seeing her since that incident, I saw Bee in the cafeteria. Her boyfriend, who is somehow still with this manipulative piece of work, is friends with one of my friends. So, he came over to chat and she did too. She said nothing, Bee couldn’t even look at me. I’m not a person who generally holds grudges. But knowing how bad the market is for apartments, the fact that she was wearing thrift store clothing instead of her designer stuff, and that she had a pre-packaged lunch instead of the luxury food she ate? Too easy. I got a job this summer and this year that pays me well. I had new clothes, was eating a meal from the cafeteria and had more friends than she ever did. I smiled, and said,

“Hi Bee. How’s life outside of the dorms treating you? I know life on campus is treating me very well!" 

She went beet red and stormed away.

Checkmate.

[modharlow]

Today was one of those days again. The sky looked stormy yet shed no rain, the sun barely peeking out for a second before sheltering itself away. People were bustling about to do their everyday work, all seeming to enjoy themselves. Oh, how you wish that were you, but alas it was not. No, you were out here, passing through Valentine, because some sorry excuse of a father left the camp again. “Probably drunk off his ass again.” You lowly hissed out.

When Charles came up to Dutch and reported the missing man, the leaders eyes happened to fall on you to retrieve him. Fortunately he also sent Arthur with you. “I trust you kid,” Dutch started off as he lead you to your horse, “but not enough to believe you won’t kick Mr. Swanson’s ass.”

Well… at least he was cautious because he was right. If it had been just you, you would’ve beat the man black and blue—mostly out of anger but if you happen to fix whatever the hell was going on in that mans brain then that’d work fine too.

It wouldn’t be the first time you’ve lied hands on him, though you never want “too far”. Given everything he’d done, or hasn’t done for better words, you going easy on him was a mercy.

”Aw, now now, little birdy,” Arthur’s voice cut through your thoughts, “I know that face. Don’t tell me you plannin’ on killin’ him this time?” His tone was joking but you couldn’t help the silent “and if I do?” that came out.

Letting out a whistle, the outlaw adjusted his hat. “You ever gonna tell me what’s the bad blood between you two?”

”On my deathbed, maybe.”

”Don’t be like that.” He replied, his tone growing soft. “He’s still your father. Doesn’t help that he’s always drunk, I know, but he’s tryin’.”

You swore you’ve never felt such hot rage boil deep inside your veins. Your knuckles turned white from your grip in the horses’ reins and your teeth clenched down to prevent you from shouting at your friend. “Arthur,” your voice was tense, just like your body, “don’t be defendin’ that man when you’ve no reason.”

The ride was silent now, save for the goodhearted people that said hello to either of you as you passed, until you both made it out of town.

Arthur let out a long sigh before taking lead and changing the direction you both were going. “C’mon, we’re gonna talk this out, you ‘nd me.”

”Arthur-”

”We’ll find him, trust me. We always do. Right now you just need to explain to me why the hell you hate his guts so much when neither of you even look at each other.”

You took note at the new destination. It was somewhere away from the roads, perfect for a private talk.

Now it was your turn to let out a long sigh. You didn’t say anything until you both ended up by some trees. From there Arthur got off his horse and motioned for you to do the same. When you did he sat both you down at the foot of a tree, perfectly protected from prying ears and the possible rain if it were to happen.

Leaning his head against the tree, Arthur spoke. “When you joined our camp you were so happy, so giddy. You didn’t have a care in the world. It was… nice. A nice change of pace.”

”I was young then. I didn’t understand anythin’.”

”What makes you think you understand now?”

Scoffing, you turned away from him brought your knees to your chest. Silently, you said, “I understand enough to know he’s a dead-beat dad.”

”Feel like elaboratin’?”

It became silent again. The horses were eating grass as the tree swayed itself side-to-side, birds flying overhead in a mixture of dull colors. All were unaware of the grief and burning hatred you held inside.

Taking in a deep breath, in through your nose and out through your mouth, you started to pick at the dirt and rocks in the ground. “I was four when mama died.” You breathed out. “I didn’t know that’s what it was. Just thought she was nappin’, y’know? She’d always seemed so… tired.” You faintly turned to face Arthur. “Was like she lost her light.” A soft chuckle filled the moment. “Guess in the end… she did, huh?”

”I’m… Listen, I-”

”You wanna know how she died, Arthur?” You were facing him now, your face calm yet the grip you had on a spare rock from the ground said otherwise. “She used the exact mechanisms my father’s usin’ right now.” You turned your attention to the rock in your hands, fingers nimbly toying with it. “Turns out, you know, that she didn’t want a child. She wanted to be free… but was tied down because of me—and dad? Oh, well, he had his teachings to do. No, he could never come home on time or spend some moments with his only kid.” You tossed the rock away from you, your eyes narrowing to keep yourself at bay. “Don’t think he wanted a child either.”

”Now that ain’t true.” Arthur interjected before flinching slightly at your glare yet not faltering. “I dunno about your mama but Reverend loves you.”

”If he loved me then why the hell are we out here having to look for his sorry ass?!” You yelled, getting up from your spot and walking away a few steps. “If he loved me then why was he never there for me? When men would be lookin’ at me weirdly, or when kids would hurt me ‘cause I only had one parent? What about when I was almost kidnapped ‘cause his dumbass had a damn “meeting” to go too, huh?”

Arthur got up too with his hands held up in surrender as he took careful steps towards you. “Easy now. It’s okay. You’re okay.” But his words fell on deaf ears as you let your pent up emotions explode inside you.

”I was six when I learned what death was. I tried killin’ myself, then tried again a few months later. I was eight when I tried to talk to him only for him to push me away. I was nine when I ran away before comin’ back. It’s funny, you know, ‘cause it was like he didn’t notice I was gone.” You swallowed down the sob that desparely wanted to come out, instead letting whimpers leave your mouth. “I was fourteen when I realized he didn’t care for me. He never did, he only worries about himself—if you can even call whatever he’s doin’, “worrying”.”

You furiously wiped at your eyes, teeth eating away at your bottom lip to stop yourself from crying more. “Arthur. Arthur, I’m bein’ honest when I say this,” you took in a shaky breath, “I’ve dreamt of killin’ him. I’ve always felt free when I did it, too. It felt so refreshin’ to me. Was like chains were melted off and I could finally run again. It’s a feelin’ I chase after every time we have to look for him.”

When you looked up at Arthur with those vulnerable eyes, he was at a loss for words. He thinks back to his own memories of you being that happy-go-lucky kid he grew up with and felt his chest tighten. So was that all a facade so you could hide away your pain? How had he not noticed to sooner? Did anyone else know? Dutch? Hosea? You were close to those two but… did you ever really let them in?

”I’m… I’m sorry, I…” Those were not the words he wanted to say. Truly, he didn’t know what to say. He knew Swanson was not an ideal father but this—this is how you were treated? How you lived your life? “I don’t… know what to say.”

”No one ever does.”

After a short pause, Arthur felt his own anger begin to form when your died down. “Why the hell do we still keep him ‘round then? If he’s like this to you, then why don’t we just get rid of him? You’re the only one we really need. You hunt, fish, and you can even haggle someone almost as well as Hosea! He doesn’t do shit-”

”Arthur, I thank you for feelin’ my anger for me but it’s… I hate him, I do, but it’s more complex than that.” Now you felt bad for pulling your friend along with your emotions. You should’ve kept your mouth shut like you always had, only showing anger when it was just you and your dad alone.

Huffing, Arthur let his hands hold onto his belt as he leaned on his foot. “Well… we got all the time in the world for you to talk.”

While you dried off your wet face with your sleeve, you tried to formulate the correct words. “It’s… hard to explain. If he’s gone then… I’ll have no more blood-family. ‘Nd despite everythin’, well, he still let me go with him to join Dutch when he could’ve left me.” You voice trailed off, your eyes straying from the looks Arthur was giving you. “I-I know, okay? It’s idiotic for me to feel like this even after all that’s happened but I just—I can’t leave him to fend for himself. He lost his wife, ‘nd now I’m all that he has. Even if we don’t talk…”

”I don’t think I’ll ever understand you.” Arthur muttered as he took steps towards you. “I ain’t ever been in your boots so I guess I can’t say much but,” cautiously, he put his arms around you, “if you ever want his ass gone, just say so. Or if you… if you wanna leave ‘nd let him stay with the gang then… that’s alright. Just tell me beforehand, okay? I’d be mighty down if you up and left without a goodbye.”

You nodded your head while you returned the hug. Your eyelids stung and your body felt heavy from your outbursts of emotions, though you couldn’t deny how safe you felt right at this moment.

Closing your eyes, you let yourself get lost in the feeling of being openly loved by someone you held dear to you.

Arthur had been your first since you were first welcomed to the gang and a side of you berated yourself for keeping silent from him for so long. Still, within these moments, you felt alright. You felt… free. “I won’t leave. Not when I have someone like you lookin’ out for me.” You tried to bury yourself deep into his chest, wanting to stay with this comfort for much longer. Softly, you whispered out, “Thank you.”

[milski]

Long story

When I was 14 years old, I experienced a teacher touching me inappropriatly and he made me touch him aswell. I kept this to myself for some months, I then attempted suicide. My mother did not believe that I actually took the pills that I said I did, despite having been put into the hospital to have them pumped out of my stomach. My father came, I told him I was raped. I did not have a proper understanding of what the difference between rape and molestation was. He got me to tell him the whole story, and got angry that I had lied. (I always had an infatuation with older men giving me attention, and my father would get angry with me for smiling at older men) He then told me that I had probably brought it on myself, with all the flirting I do with older men. He told me in graphic detail how, if I had been raped, the man would have penetrated my asshole, ripping it open and causing me to bleed and be in so much pain. He told me that I would be traumatized and that I was a horrible person for lying about rape and that I was a horrible person for attempting suicide. 

After many years of my dad being cruel to me (calling me fat, even though I had an eating disorder and was underweight, saying I would never amount to anything other than his servant and that I was a slut) I finally turned 18, I decided to explore the kink world. I had heard many great things from friends who were in the bdsm world, that women were treated like queens and were well respected. 

One day, a friend asked if I wanted to go to a swingerclub with him, because it was cheaper if he had a companion with him. I said yes, because I was curious and also because it seemed like a fun idea. I had a glas of cola, I left my glass on the table inside and went into the outdoor jacuzzi. After a while I went back inside to finish my cola and I started talking to a guy who was sitting next to me. He asked if I wanted to go upstairs with him, there was a massage room and he could give me a massage. I thought he seemed nice and i was attracted to him so I said yes and went with him. After a little while, I started to feel queezy and sick and dizzy. I thought I was just very nervous, because it was all very new to me. I was faced down, with my face squished into the hole in the massage table. The guy was still massaging my back, when I heard the door open. Then I saw some feet coming towards the table, and then another pair and another and so on.. suddenly there were 8 guys, all around my body, touching me. I tried to lift myself up but my limbs felt weird, like they were numb but I could still feel them touching them. I then tried telling them to stop, because it was too much for me, and my speech came out very slurred. They were talking to eachother in an arabic sounding language. Then they lifted my body and turned me around and I finally realized that I was not okay, my head was flopping, my eyes could be kept straight, they just rolled around my head and i couldnt figure out why I felt like this. They then lifted me and carried me into the room next door, it had a big circular bed on the floor and a bowl of condoms next to it. I don’t remember if they used any.. at this point it get very graphic, I’m not sure how much I can handle writing down. 

I remember then taking the rest of my clothes of, rough enough to hurt me. Then two of them lifted my limp arms and put my hands around their penises and just rubbed them with my hands. another three were fighting about whose penis goes in my mouth, they kept grabbing my head and turning it towards their penis and they would squeeze my jaw until i opened my mouth and they would just use my head like a fleshlight, with no regard for me breathing. The rest took turns on my vagina and asshole. At some point, I gave up and just cried. I was helpless and I couldnt scream or shout, I could barely breathe and it hurt so much. I wished and begged to god that it would just stop and be over. It lasted about an hour, nonstop. By the time it had ended, I had lost everything. I was 18 years old, I had been proud that I was putting on some weight and looking more like a normal person, I loved myself, my body and everything about myself. I was happy. And they took EVERY SINGLE THING away from me! I lost my will to live, I was a worthless whore, a slut, who deserved what I got. My father was right, I became exactly who he said I would become. I could never tell anyone about this. If I told my parents, my dad would probably tell me I deserved it, that I asked for it by going there. That I was the dumbest piece of shit in the world who left my drink unattended un perpose to let someone drug me and use me like the whore i was.  

At 19, I started smoking marijuana to deal with the anxiety and just to get away from hating myself all the time. It was the only time I didnt wanna die, was when I was high. So I started smoking more and more. Finally it wasnt enough, by the time I was 20, I started doing psychedelic shrooms and I would do mdma. All throughout my drug addiction, my dad had been diagnosed with Leukemia, and I was being told that I was a horrible daughter and sister, because I didn’t want to see my dad. I attempted to go see him a few times, to talk things through from the past (he choked me to the point of passing out, he has hit me and threated to beat the crap out of me) but he denied ever having done anything wrong. I have always wished that he was the great dad that he could be. He wasn’t a horrible person all the time, he did great things with us, sometimes he’d even call me a beautiful young and bright woman who could achieve so much if I just tried. I heard him say that once, and it was enough to keep me coming back despite it never happening again. I just wanted my dad to love me. 

I had visited my dad the week before he went into coma, we talked and I decided after a while that I would rather leave and be with my friends, because my dad always made me feel like I did something wrong. I told him I love him before I left, but I regret not staying longer. I came into the hospital when he went into a coma, I sat and talked to him alone, telling him how I wish he would have been the father I knew he could’ve been, how I loved him so much for all the good things he ever did for me, and that I understand that he was traumatized as a child and that probably made him repeat the cycle on me. I forgave him, because I know that he loved me, that he just used the wrong words to say it. 

The doctors told us he could probably be in the coma for 2 days to a week and then he might wake up again. I went home to a friend, I took some mdma because I wanted to forget and not feel. At 2 am, I got the call to come into the hospital and say my goodbyes. I was high on mdma when I went to the hospital to say goodbye. No one noticed, because every one of them looked just as glazed over in the eyes and just broken. I went to the bathroom to cry, because I was taught not to cry in front of others. When they pulled the plug, I was allowed to go into the room, see him dead and do what i needed to do. When I got into the room, i fell to the ground and started screaming and crying. I couldn’t believe it. He looked so different. like a weird version of himself. a very realistic doll. We finally all finished our goodbyes and went home. I started doing even more drugs, and I would see my dad. even when i wasnt on drugs, i would see him. he was walking on the street as my bus drove by him. I started seeing him everywhere.. it got to the point where i saw him every day, like a spirit in front of me, he would yell and scream and call me horrible things. Then he would hit me and I could feel it, it hurt. I even woke up from it. This went on for a year, and the drugs were the only thing to make it stop. I tried going to three different psychiatric hospitals and they wouldnt take me in, because i was a drug addict and they didnt tell me to stop doing the drugs so i could get treatment. 

I was doing a lot of ghb, which is a known date rape drug, but in small dosages it made me high and it would make the voices go away. (I had three voices in my head, telling me what to do, what to be afraid of and also telling me how worthless i was and so on) I would prostitute myself for money or drugs. My body is a tool, and should be used as such. I distanced my feelings from anything that had to do with sex. Sex and emotions are not a thing that I know how to mix. In the process of selling my body, I have had experiences of men who decided that if I was prostituting myself, then I had no standards and therefor no rights. That i was a piece of meat.. i would try to fight off these men in the beginning, but eventually, I learned to just let it happen. I talked to a policeman, told him what these men would do to me, and he said that it was my own choice, I was choosing to be a prostitute and that it comes with the job, just like he risks getting attacked by people on his job. He also said that I probably would get far in court with my case, because i was a prostitute and so it would be hard to prove that i didnt want it to happen, that i wasnt trying to scam men out of their money or something.. I don’t remember it clearly, but it was enough to make me keep my mouth shut. 

I am now 22 years old, I have been mostly clean of all drugs for a year now, with the rare occation of either smoking some pot to help me sleep (i now have prescription sleep medicine) and doing ghb for a weekend, because the voices became too much and the psychiatric system is very slow on giving me medicine. I was diagnosed with Paranoid Schizophrenia in januar 12th 2019, and it is now march 13 and I have only been able to get sleeping medication because i told them that i tried to smoke marijuana to sleep but it made me more paranoid so i dont want to smoke it. I hope that I can become medicated with some anti psychotic medicine very soon, this is a lot for me. 

I recently dug up the old memories of the group rape, and i have finally opened up to a couple people about what has happened to me. I have been guided towards some help centers for rape victims, i hope that i can one day learn to accept the situation and maybe even learn to love myself again. So far, I just have a huge issue with one of the voices in my head telling me im disgusting, useless, worthless, whore, pic, fat, ugly, cumhole, how i deserve to be raped. How every man who is in some way a part of my life, whether its a friend, boyfriend, the men who work at the institution i live in, should rape me, because that is all i am worth to them. that i should be fucked and filled with cum in every hole and over my body they should write all the things that makes me deserve it so the whole world can see how much of a waste of life i am. I should be mutilated, have people stick knives in me, burn me and make me look like the worthless , pathetic excuse of a whore. 

those things are being repeated and yelled into my head over and over, and it been going on, in different variations over the years, and I am so incredibly tired. I just want it all to stop. I cant sit in my apartment alone and relax or enjoy anything, because this is going on, reminding me of how much i hate myself. I need help. im really hope that it will get better. Im just worried that i cant keep fighting this fight much longer. i am so tired. i just want it to stop. im calling the center for rape victims tomorrow morning when their phones open, and i need them to help me. i am desperate. i dont know how to deal with it all. it so much and im not an adult, i wasnt an adult when it all started and i havent had the chance to become an adult because of how much i cant even process properly, ive never spoken about the night of the rape since. and i just want help. i can’t keep it up much longer, i can’t keep pretending im not broken and wishing i could just numb myself with drugs so i dont have to feel it all the time.. i just want help.  i will update this, if i get help and how/if it helped me.  

i don’t know what else to write now. so i guess this is the end of my very long story. 

[swampgallows]

therapy today went okay but i feel like i talked too much lmfao. i passed out around like 10pm and now im awake again and uhh hmmm ngngngghghhhmhm

also she asked me like “find out what you wanna get out of therapy and then we can set some goals” lmao i wanna GET FIXED 

i dunno if i am actually mentally ill or if it’s just my mom/environment or if i’m neurodivergent somehow or if i need medication or whatever the fuck it is, i just know that it’s not normal to feel okay one day and then have some minor thing happen that catapults me into feeling suicidal. im doing better lately but that’s why i signed up for therapy NOW because i know when im feeling good i get this delusion of like “haha see i never needed it at all :)” and then some little fucking thing happens (or nothing happens) and suddenly i cant get out of bed for three days. i told her that i think it’s more than my environment because even when i was busy at work and even when i was busy and away from home in college i had extremely persistent and severe depression, got into several different overlapping abusive relationships, nearly failed my classes one semester, and then i got hit by a car, was in a wheelchair for 6 months, then had our car hit by a semi immediately afterward. it’s time for new glasses btw lmao as i am still wearing the same pair that got scratched to shit and annihilated in the accident. lmfao The Accident™

this is a pic of them from the night of the accident and the scratches have only gotten worse. id take a new pic but im in bed in the dark and whatever

the therapist seemed impressed with my psychology knowledge which was kind of discomforting, in a way. i guess im just so used to my own situation and people utilizing the internet to learn about their own head cases that i dont consider it novel to have actually done research. also because with my other experiences i felt like doctors would be dismissive of me as if i was trying to one-up them or something, like “well -I- have the degree and YOU dont” like, well yeah, im not sitting here trying to correct you but i am gonna use the terminology im familiar with even if theyre super special SAT words or w/e (like i’m gonna say shit like “comorbid” and “hypnagogic” because that’s the terminology i use all the time to describe these situations... i throw out “5 dollar words” all the time :\) but i think maybe by also having a video/verbal conversation w me that she knows i’m not sitting there meticulously typing up the most fancy schmancy shit i can find, flippin through a thesaurus like a blood elf nobleman vampire’s purple prose or somethin.

i guess what i wanna get out of therapy is uh

1. i dont want to be suicidal, which means 2. i have to build confidence, which means 3. i have to become self-reliant, or more self-reliant than i am.

she suggested, on the grounds of my mom giving me interrogation any time i try to go out on my own (hence me only feeling comfortable to go out when i fucking sneak out of the house or on the VERY rare occasions that she isn’t home) that i have a written list that i either give to her personally or write out and leave for her to read at her leisure of all the answers to her questions: where ive gone, when i’ll be back, what i’m doing, etc. the problem is coming home, though, because then she reads me the riot act of guilt on anything i did. if i go out and get food, it becomes about her. if i go out and do an errand, it becomes about her. everything i do somehow falls back on her. 

i explained to the therapist that even when i was still working—a perfect chance to learn to drive and drive regularly—i took the bus the entire time. but i’d have to be driven TO the bus stop and then take the bus to work, which meant my mom drove me to the bus every day. and my dad would talk about how good it was for MY MOM to have a reason to get up in the morning, and that it’s good for her because it gives her a kind of schedule or obligation to follow. so then like... my schedule now becomes HER schedule. and i martyr my potential independence of driving to work on my own in order to give my mom a sense of purpose. 

so...every day, mom picked me up from the bus stop, just like she had been for all the years i was in school. of course i never went out and did anything after (or before!) work; i never had the freedom. sure i could tell my mom partway through the day if i was staying late or going somewhere else, but my work was also in the middle of a canyon, five miles of nothing in either direction. if i missed the bus home, i wouldnt have another chance to go home for another hour. so having buses come only once an hour and then also having my mom waiting for me at the stop... it was just too much trouble to say like “hm i think i’ll go grab a smoothie before work” or “maybe i’ll hang with my coworkers a bit and go grab dinner with them” or “maybe i’ll start going to the gym after work”. i couldnt make any executive decisions about my own life. i think that restriction of freedom happens for lower income people too, since youre relying on a (notoriously shitty) bus service to get anywhere and you also cant just throw money around that often. i had a little slush fund to treat myself every so often but i didnt have the access to it. 

EVERY day that i was 20 minutes away from the stop i would have to text my mom the name of the stop (imagine, if it were “maple street” or something, my entire text message history with my mom just being “maple” “k” “maple” “k” back and forth for months) in case she had fallen asleep or was doing something, as the bus would sometimes be late or early or whatever. and sometimes i would delay that text on purpose to have the extra time to buy something from one of the fast food places located at my bus stop, then hide it in the bottom of my bag and hope it wasn’t too aromatic that my mom would notice and ask me about it. 

BECAUSE if i bought food on a day she made dinner, she would flagellate herself about it, and if i bought food on a day that she DIDNT make dinner she would flagellate herself about it. it’s HER FAULT because she doesn’t make food enough that i have to go buy my own :((((, so the one time she does cook i’m already getting food because she’s unreliable :((((, and shit like that, instead of like, just because there IS food doesn’t...mean anything!!!!! maybe i just wanted a certain kind of food that day!! But it becomes about her!!!! everything i do hurts her. everything i do. so i just got adjusted to just... not eating, or eating the same things over and over. eventually, when i was still working, i would eat nothing but a muffin until i came home. and if there was food, i would eat it, and if there wasn’t, then i wouldn’t eat. many nights i went to bed without eating even if there WAS food because i was just so fucking tired.

i dunno i kinda lost my train of thought but basically it’s hard to assert myself because i’m not confident because a lot of the time i dont know if im doing something right. it reminds me a lot of the scene in tangled where rapunzel fucks up and something bad happens to her and her mom catches her in the act, and she uses that to reinforce rapunzel’s dependence on her. like obviously my mom isn’t abusive like that but it makes me afraid to fail and even MORE afraid to even try, because i know that if i DO fail--whatever it is--it will just be more evidence for why i should have just asked her or had her do it. and more evidence, to me, of why im worthless and shitty and incapable of doing anything.

like the other day my mom wanted me to follow her in a separate car to a car place to drop off the car she was driving, and then we’d go home together in one car. but she wanted me to do it at 9 in the fucking morning and let me know two days beforehand. i had been going to BED at like 7am at the time so i was already like ‘man this is gonna suck’. but i was still up in the morning and was getting ready to take a shower, iw as on time, but my mom said “i can tell how tired you are and how nervous you are about doing this so you know what dont worry about it. go back to bed.” and it was really shitty for me because YEAH i was super tired and YEAH i didnt feel like i was capable of driving by myself at that moment, like i probably COULD HAVE if it were an emergency, but my mom talked about doing all this shit afterward like going on a shopping trip and stuff and BASICALLY it’s less that i was afraid of the driving but more that i knew the errand wouldn’t end there. and i had gotten zero sleep and just didnt wanna fucking do it, i didnt wanna have a “girl time :)” outing with my mom, and i knew i’d basically get trapped into hanging out with my mom if i went. so i stayed home. but then that’s also a blow to me because stupid fucking worthless idiot that i am cant even drive ten miles in a fucking car, or whatever, useless leech living with my parents contributing nothing, unemployed for a year, blah blah blah. stupid fucking neet should have never been born etc etc etc

she took an uber home and had glowing reviews about the experience and that’s great for her but the guilt made me throw up because i couldnt even do this minuscule thing. so like, if i DO hand her a note and say “here’s all the shit im going to do, BUH BYE” and some shit happens, or i dont get what i need done, or i dont have a fully developed plan of what i’m doing, then it’s gonna be more ammunition toward what a useless piece of shit i am. like, i dont have good food to eat at the house, but i also have NO APPETITE so nothing sounds good, so i cant even think of what foods i would get if i could. it’s such a jarring opportunity that i would just like...not get anything at all and go home. even when i -did- have the opportunity i just went “Uhh umm uhhh fuck uhhh milk” and got that (AND THEN MY MOM CAME HOME W 2 GALLONS OF MILK FROM COSTCO, SO OF COURSE I -DID SOMETHING WRONG-!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IF I JUST LEFT IT UP TO HER INSTEAD OF DARING TO DO SOMETHING MYSELF I WOULDNT HAVE LOOKED LIKE A FUCKING IDIOT AND ENDED UP WITH 3 GALLONS OF MILK AT THE HOUSE) of course i drank the milk i bought, it’s not like it went to waste, but i was CAUGHT because there were now THREE instead of the one gallon covertly getting replaced. instead of me doing something helpful i did something that became an inconvenience.

it’s just little shit but it all adds up. it’s been all of these little fucking things forever and ever and ever, just like my mom’s hoarded garbage. “i bought just a couple of things”, innumerable times throughout the duration of my entire life, forever and ever, “just a few small things” over and over until it’s suffocating.  it’s just all this little shit all the fucking time and it’s suffocating.

naturally, the therapist sent me an article on “daughters of narcissistic mothers”. this will be a delight to read, i’m sure.

[liarsweapon]

LAYERS OF LOYALTY: THE LORDS AND THEIR TEAMs.

forgive me for not using icons i wanna change the border again bc i hate myself.

also lappy’s being weird again so thats fun.

Don’t rb without permission, thanks. This is primarily about my portrayals of the characters, and includes those that aren’t canon to the game. 8)

ALCINA

Alcina, next to Moreau, is the most loyal to Mother Miranda. Does in fact view her as an actual mother, though her viewpoint can be seen as more obsessive than just daughterly. As is clear, however, when her own daughters lives are put in question, she’ll betray her mother’s command in an instant in order to protect or avenge them. Her loyalty to Miranda is great, but her loyalty to the daughters Miranda gave her is far greater. 

BELA

Bela’s loyalty to Miranda falls directly on Alcina. Wanting to make her mother proud, and show devotion according to what she believes her mother would want, Bela’s loyalty to Miranda is, well, entirely based on Alcina. Alcina adores Miranda like a mother (and cult leader, as someone who has done excessively deep dives into cults they do manipulate you into believing the leader is your parent, leader, everything important to you... and often lover, but that doesn’t seem like something Miranda is interested in thankfully) thus, so does Bela. But if Alcina chose not to follow Miranda at any point, Bela’s loyalty would instantly die out as well.

CASSANDRA

Cassandra’s loyalty to Miranda is, well, she doesn’t really have it. Her loyalty is specifically to her Alcina. If Miranda were to say Cass couldnt’ hunt, for instance, Cass would want to hunt her. She enjoys killing, that’s her primary source of entertainment. She’s even been known to kill villagers when they stray too far from worship of Miranda (or, at least that’s her excuse up until Miranda orders the lords to kill all the villagers) then she’ll either drain them if they’re female, or if they’re male, either turn them into a scarecrow for the vineyard, or bring them to Uncle Heisenberg for his tests. If Miranda were to vanish or perish, Cassandra definitely wouldn’t give a shit. 

DANIELA

Dani’s loyalty is... questionable with Miranda. Some might think she’s loyal due to the loyalty she held to the woman in life, but once she became the mutation she is now, and lost all memories of her life, her loyalty was, again, only to the girls mother. She really, really doesn’t care. She doesn’t take part in the worship, she’s sort of still testy about Miranda when she once tried to call her granny and got in trouble for it. Even her loyalty to Alcina’s wishes can be questioned, because she actually likes the other lords and considers them family. Especially Heisenberg. Being taught how to make pipe bombs really just sold her on her unkie. She’s the only one that calls him unkie. If Heisenberg asked her to help get rid of Miranda, she might be hesitant at first, because she doesn’t want to upset mother. But, if she knew how Miranda treats her mother, her hesitation would drop pretty quickly. Because how dare she be mean to mother! 

Dani’s also the most self centered of them. She doesn’t even eat most of the men they kill, just drains their guts to fertilize her flowers. She wants to play games and have a good time, but she’s also got an unbelievably short temper. Considering she’ll hack at the staff if they say no to her. 

MOREAU

Moreau’s the second eldest of Miranda’s ‘children’, and definitely got the short end of the stick. Despite this, he’s even more loyal to Miranda than Alcina is. While Alcina would betray Miranda for her children, Moreau would never betray Miranda. He loves her far too much. Even though she made what he went to her to heal worse, and completely destroyed his self esteem and physical stability in the process, he still views her as his actual mother. She was kind to him while his parents insulted and were disgusted by his deformities (although she was manipulating him, he doesn’t recognize that fact) she was kind and offered to ‘heal’ him. Although, she only made it worse, he ended up killing his family to prove his loyalty to Miranda. In doing so, he also severed his ties to them entirely, and mentally effectively replaced them with Miranda. 

HEISENBERG

We know his loyalty just, that’s not there. Kinda ironic, seeing as he’s clearly Miranda’s favorite (Moreau made the wolves, Heisenberg controls them. Heisenberg asks for something and she immediately gives it to him. Alcina’s distaste for Heisenberg seems deeply rooted in jealousy of how much more attention he receives from Miranda, and the fact she gives him more than she gives the rest of them now.) But he wants her dead. He wants freedom from her influence. Which is also kinda funny, because him and Moreau are the two that actively refer to the other lords as their siblings/family, even though they have starkly different loyalty to Miranda and Heisenberg refuses to recognize her as his mother. He had his parents, and Miranda killed them when she took him away for experiments as a child. He pretended to worship her, but his primary goal was to kill her, and free himself (and, by proxy, his siblings, despite claiming to hate them while still constantly referring to them as siblings) from her influence. 

His army is made of the dead, and arguably he didn’t actually kill anyone himself. Arguably, because he clearly intended to kill Ethan if Ethan didn’t do what he wanted. I do think Cassandra probably gave him a lot of the corpses he has used though. Also, his experiment notes... idk how much i agree w the fandom saying he’s never killed anyone lol.

DARCY

Darcy, being Heisenberg’s assistant, and still feeling the side effects of the mutation (her’s being pretty bad and still kind of painful), she holds no loyalty to Miranda. In fact, she only holds loyalty to Heisenberg because he wants to kill Miranda. 

In a way, Darcy hopes she can figure out a way to cure the infection. She hates it. She hates Miranda. She wants her freedom. The only reason she hasn’t tried to escape is because she knows Miranda can kill her with the cadou and mutamycete if she tried. Sometimes, she wonders if that would really be worse than life with the infection, however. 

DONNA

Donna’s the youngest of the four Lords, having been turned only in the late 90s/early 2000s, when the rest of her ‘family’ was turned between the 20s-50s. Her loyalty, well, nobody’s actually sure. She doesn’t speak, at all. She’s a selective mute. Her ‘voice’ is all a hallucination from her cadou powers. That’s why she primarily ‘speaks’ through Angie, and Angie may in fact be the personality Donna wishes she had (Or, Claudia’s personality, because I do line up to the theory Claudia is Donna’s younger sister, Donna was turned and ceased aging around 18-21 years old, after a few years of experimentation, and Angie was made from Claudia’s bones after the flowers in the house added to the degration of her father’s mental health.) 

She mentions not being able to let others leave her house because she ‘can’t let them’, but its unknown if that’s truly because of Miranda, or if she’s just so lonely she doesn’t want to let them leave. Her hallucinations aren’t entirely under control yet, but she’s grown a great deal in her control capability since she started. She killed the gardener by showing him hallucinations of the wife and child he lost, and killed him to prove her loyalty to Miranda. Something that seems to be a running theme, and I wouldn’t be shocked if Alcina and Heisenberg had to do the same too. Thus, if Heisenberg did, there’s no reason why Donna wouldn’t have done it just to maintain her place. 

However, she’s also still young, and clearly was raised.. under questionable circumstances. With the lack of affection, she likely would be willing to do anything just to feel the love she’s lacked feeling all her life. So, really, if someone, like Heisenberg showed her more affection, brotherly, fatherly, or whatnot, than Miranda does, she might struggle to keep her loyalty to Miranda, because someone else is fulfilling what Miranda isn’t.

[irregulardiaryposts]

00:53 21/06/2021

Hello again <3

so i think im gonna write about my mental health today because i dont feel like i have anyone who understands fully apart from myself maybe so i need to Organise my Thoughts. as a kid i had a pretty normal childhood, a mum a dad and a brother - pretty nuclear right. but as a child i felt like my family maybe wasnt quite right, that this wasnt supposed to be what family is? perhaps. - i was scared of my mum a lot because she wasnt very understanding of me - and i was a great kid, never getting into trouble, very good at school, no issues whatsover. the thing that really shows how i thought of my relationship with my mum was when i was like maybe 8 or so having a parents night and at it my teacher had nothing bad to say apart from i was kinda bossy in group settings (im sure i dont need to explain how misogynistic that actually is- i was not bossy i was a natural leader) and when i got home my mum told me off for that and i felt like she was kinda cold to me and not taking all the good things about me into consideration when telling me off for that.

i feel like thats a really defining moment in my life when i realised i cant expect adults to Understand me, realised how people treat young girls, also started my defiant behaviour maybe or was kinda one of the key moments that made me dislike certain authorities in my life, that if people wont understand me regardless of how i explain myself then i wont bother trying to be understood by people who wont matter to me. anyway yes i was scared of my mum-like petrified sometimes- but my dad wasnt great either, he also had his shortcomings. i feel like he never really cared about me like he was kinda apathetic towards raising me like a parent - i feel he would be better suited as an uncle to someone rather than a dad - the funny childish guy that makes kids laugh -not the uncaring dad that cant be bothered to really learn about his kids. and i feel im sitting here complaining about my parents when the fact is that a lot of adults should never be parents, society has conditioned people into thinking the only way to be fulfilled in life is to live vicariously through your kids when life gets to such a boring and monotonous place where you feel the need to create a new life to spice things up lmao. i feel a lot of parents regret having kids but they cannot express that regret because it was their choice and they should deal with that, also saying you regret it would be pretty horrible to the kid.

so while yes i am complaing about my parents i dont think they were Bad in any way just not that great yaknow. also i just notice all these things growing up and i feel its been pretty impactful to understanding myself and my parents. also just some anecdotes from my childhood - i used to watch my dad play video games like the uncharted games i think theyre called, and whenever i got scared i used to hide behind the couch until the scary part was over (usually a lot of guns and high energy fight scenes thats too much adrenaline for a 7 yo) and sometimes when i would take out my dad/brothers game i would get them to fo the hard parts and do other stuff myself - i dont remember many games i played apart from one of the spidermen games where u could just web around the city and not progress apart from sometimes you would come across some strippers and i accidently got into a fight with them (also hot women with umbrellas they use to fight- maybe i went near them on purpose) i would yell to my dad and get him to do it for me. also on new years eve whenever my mum was working and we werent going to any family parties we would make a bunch of food and put it out in the kitchen - wed make like homemade onion rings, chips, have crisps and dips, and a bunch of junk basically and watch like austin powers or some shit and genuinely miss those times they were so simple. but a lot of thats tainted now from what happened. also my brothers always been annoying as shit but when we were kids we couldnt be in the same room without arguing which like whatever thats how kids are esp brothers and sisters for some reason.

i think thats majority of the background needed for the rest. wait this is a little addition but i meant to mention this here so ill put it in- basically sometimes on holidays i would geniunely think my parents hate each other/ were getting a divorce like once when we were in florida in 2012 my dad convinced my mum (as well as me and my brother convinced her since we liked them) we convinced her to go on a water slide thing that u had to walk up the stairs for, it was outdoors, and it was kinda tall and then we got in one of the big donut things and it swooshed from side to side a lot and was generally pretty scary i suppose for someone who doesnt like rides esp since you had to hold on to the handles there were no buckles or anything, and so when we got off the ride my mum was big mad at my dad and like wouldnt talk to him and stuff like that which was pretty uncomfortable to have to be the 8 year old mediator of that but there was also another occasion i think (maybe also at florida) where they were made at each other and i asked my mum if they were getting divorced and all she said was 'ask ur dad' like???? no sort of consolation to this child who thinks their parents hate each other nooo just petty 'ask him' and theres also been other times when they fight/ are mad and they dont feel the need to hide it from us so i felt quite anxious around my parents sometimes.

so ahnyway . yes. when i had just turned 13 my parents split up and it fucked me up in a multitude of ways. also i cant beleive i stopped being a proper kid at 13, like as soon as i turned a teenager life hit me like a fucking truck. so the context as to why they split is still kinda lost to me ngl but they didnt tell me much anyway since i was young but my mum basically said my dad didnt love her anymore and he wanted to separate. its kinda funny because leading up to this my dad had been sleeping in the living room for like a few weeks and there was on and off fighting i could hear and i basically thought they were fighting over me and that i was in trouble and it kinda used to keep me up coz i could hear loud voices when they thought i was asleep- which is probably the cause of why i get veryyyy mad and angry when i hear my mum at like 1 am downstairs when shes drinking and im trying to sleep, probably something ive internalised (is that the word?) and made me respond so strongly to those type of noises.

anywayyyyy yes i thought i was in trouble when they were actually just getting a divorce so ... yeah you can really tell i was young and didnt understand adult issues or really couldnt figure this out myself from all the arguing and him sleeping downstairs lmao. anyway my dad moved out and it was just me my mum and my brother now and at this point my brother wouldve been about to turn 18, so although still kinda shit, not really as affected my it as a 13 yo, just to keep in mind. so i was devastated obviously and my whole world was kinda shattered but i had to hold it together a bit, also i was sometimes my mothers own therapist having to say things like 'everything happens for a reason' 'itll get better' in response to her deteriorating mental health and her questions that would be really hard for me to answer like 'why did he leave' etc (bish im a child be there for me not wallow in ur own pity, u have ur whole life to sort this out youre an adult, im a 13 you and only months away from wanting to kms hun think of ur CHILD please) anyway this left me feeling like a burden if i were to share my mental state because when my mum shared her stuff she was burdening me (AGAIN i was 13 she is an adult) so that made me bottle a lot of things up also the fact that i had no one to share it with because she works as a nurse and now shes a single mother and so she works almost all hours of most days and i dont see her much, my brother was either working at this time or just didnt give enough of a shit about me to make sure i ate.

i went from being catered to for every meal because i didnt know how to cook to suddenly no one being there for me so i had to learn how to do it myself. needless to say that lead to a bunch of unhealthy eating habbits like eating the same things every day - frozen pizza, cheese toasties, i cant think of anything else probs because i didnt make anything else just ate chocolates or didnt eat breakfast coz i woke up at 2pm. just general unhealthyness both in substance and like how healthy that was for my head yk. also this is during the summer btw so it gave me the option to be incredibly depressed - im not saying that as an edgy teen thing to say im being 100% genuine i was very depressed like textbook style - not eating or overeating, not showering/ taking care of myself, extreme lack of energy and hated doing social things coz i had to put on a farce that i was okay meanwhile i couldnt wait to get into my bed and sleep the next day and a half away.

i very vividly remember at the start of the summer holiday my friend asked me if i wanted to go out and do something and i rememeber just crying at that because i had no reason to say no but i just didnt want to and felt like i couldnt do anything and so i lied and said i wasnt feeling well and then put my phone down and curled up in my bed and cried coz i was frustrated and upset and i couldnt really understand what was wrong with me and why i was Like This.

god i didnt take into account how tired i was and how late it is when i started this huh, this isnt even half of it, but i have obligations in the mornign, the last until uni or whatever so ill put this in my drafts and finsih it somethime. alrigtht it is 02:08 btw z_z. also ive just now decided im gonna re organise my tumblr so if this ends up being an actual blog thing i can navigate it easier by adding tags and such. anywau goodnight.

20:21 30/06/2021

MOTHERFOIUHIFIUDVMKCVKM V

MY LAPTOP SHUT DOWE IN THE MIDDLE OF THSAT SO ITS ALL GONE BASICALLY I WAS DEPRESSED BURTNOUT GIFTERD KID AND IT SUCKED YADDa YADDSZ ANYTWAY

so

23:01- well. yes earlier i wrote a little about the ages 13-16 and how they sucked but whatever it got deleted the more pertinent stuff happened in the last year or so anyway.

um yeah so i started the last year of highschool as a 16 year old with a fucked up brain and never having learned any study techniques or work ethic in the slightest. i took 3 uni-level courses only one i actually wanted to do, most people take 2 at most or even 1/0 but do other classes. honestly it fucking sucked this year for school but i scraped all passes so thank god for that. so i started the year quite optimistic, or as much as i could be and in all fairness the content of this year wasnt actually that bad considering i was doing 3 hard classes but corona really truly fucked everything up and by November i had mentally dropped out of my classes but of course i still had to go to them. i feel like im an oddly independent teen because ive never had a solid parental presence in a while, like i had to do a lot for myself and maybe i should thank myself for getting me through it all because i really did pull through.

my thoughts keep drifting from what im writing coz i wanna talk about different things and im just thinking maybe i shouldve just posted the last one then added a reblog when i could be bothered to write and not force myself because if theres ever a reoccurring theme in my life is that if i force myself to do anything i will hate it with my entire being, so maybe i should just do a short synopsis and write about something else afterwards.

so i took 3 hard classes, slowly lost all motivation because in jan it switches to online classes and i could Not deal with those it was horrible, and i became more of a "troublesome student" in one of my classes *cough* maths *cough* and almost got "kicked out" of taking the class just because the teacher was a control freak but like wanted to control all of our actions and behaviour, also i think i may have adhd and another kid in my class i think he does too and surprise surprise the teacher "dislikes" him too but its only a farce because he doesnt actually dislike him its only so that i cant call him out for singling me out when other students behave "badly" too. but anyways maybe ill come back to this in a while when i can be arsed explaining my complicated relationship with my parents.

the only reason i wanted to write this today was so that i could tag the post with like june 2021 or something and not june/july, but i might make another post later, Anyway happy end of pride month i supose, hope u figure it out me!

[woojinieemoved]

Friends to Lovers!Kim Donghyun

member: kim donghyun // mxm

genre: fluff

writing type: bulletpoint

word count: 1.4k

a/n: lol im either gonna edit a bunch of my writings or just copy and paste so sorry if some look nice and some look crusty // this one is rewritten btw!

my masterlist

so it all started when you had a project in your first year of middle school

it was kinda big for a middle school class so your teacher randomly assigned people

and wow what a coincidence you got the one and only kim donghyun!!

you had no idea who he was so you assumed he probably went to another elementary school

meeting him wasn’t too awkward?? he was super smiley and spoke kinda loud but somehow you found comfort in that

ofc since you were partners for a project, you went to meet up at the library to do research

but like that ended REEEAAAAL quickly bcuz yall are too loud lol

first of all you werent even completely focused bcuz donghyun kept making super bad jokes that were funny as a middle schooler 

you’d both be laughing so fuckin loud that the librarian would have to kick you out

well ok looks like you’re going to your house to do continue the research i guess

your parents were like “omg you brought a boy home is this your boyfriend” bcuz yeah boy + girl hanging out = dating according to everyone

you looked really disgusted and donghyun looked awkward 

yall basically just met so why would you even think about that!! plus you’re in middle school you don’t care about dating yet

“guys you havent even said hi to him but you already made him uncomfortable he’s just my partner for this project we have to do in class”

even tho he felt awkward, he still kept his happy, polite self and introduced himself to your parents

since it was probably a bad idea to go back to the library, donghyun would frequently come over to finish the project

your parents grew to like him more (and so did u ;) ) and him coming over would be normal now

even after you finished the project, you guys basically became super close and you would hang out alot outside of school

every year, the both of you would be praying that you’d be in the same class

if you werent, you’d be late to your classes bcuz you dont want to separate yet

until the bell rings again then you’re dashing your ass down the hall

now it wasnt until you got into highschool where people were more serious and fuckin drastic

being the major flower boy that he is, he snatched the hearts of so many girls in school 

this means a shit ton of chocolates on the day of valentines !!

for him atleast lol

you never complained about not being able to get chocolates because he always shared the chocolates he got with you 

but like you also knew that some girl would be brave enough to call him out to confess to him

you may have accidentally walked in on some of them mid-confession

slams door open

“donghyun where the hell are you we need to get the limited edition plush at the arcade and you know damn that’s gonna take fore- oh” 

oops awkward for all of you 

aaaaanndd since this is highschool some girls are petty as hell and will be like “i’ll do anything it takes to be with oppar11!!!1!1″

so you occasionally get bullied

frequently

woops they spilled juice on your notebook

woops they thought your textbook was trash

oh no where did your bag go- its outside?? and the window is open??

it took a while for donghyun to notice that you were getting bullied by his fangirls

ok in reality he only noticed because you started to distance yourself from him because of it

dh: y/n? where are you? i thought we were gonna go to the cafe

you:  oh right sorry i had to go to the library for hw

dh: library??? homework??? ok its super obvious thats a lie where are you

you: wow can i not be responsible without being suspicious im just trying to pass highschool

dh: :/

dh: i know you’ve been lying alot lately y/n whats going on

you: well idk if youre just blind or stupid but your dumb fangirls are getting in my way and its annoying having to deal with them

dh: fangirls? what have they been doing? why do you have to stop hanging out with me?

you: ok youre just dumb...  

dh: omg are you getting bullied

you: yes you idiot those fangirls of yours are brutal

dh: y/n..... im sorry.. i didn’t see that

you: yeah i know its been happening for months

dh: well i’ll treat you to food to make you feel better so hurry and get to the park

you: but im at home

dh: you live 3 minutes away from the park

you: im already in bed with snacks and netflix

dh: ok fine i’ll come over then

you: wait get ice cream before you come back

dh: yeah yeah ok 

you wait a good 8 minutes and hear your door slamming open, your bed bouncing from donghyun whale flopping onto it

“you got the ice cream?”

he holds up the bag and says “right here”

“ok good lets make a fort now”

“why?”

you stared at him blankly 

“perfect reason i’ll get the blankets”

he gets up and runs to the hallway closet, grabbing the extra blankets your family keeps

you get up to find as many extra pillows so that you can use it to support the fort

takes yall a good 25 min to do but its worth it

you snuggle up under the fort and start to eat your slightly melted ice cream

after like 3 movies, your eyes start to get heavy since you’re warm under the blankets and donghyun’s arms

donghyun was pretty immersed in the movie so he didnt see you slowly drift off to sleep 

it wasnt until he was going to make some sort of witty comment to you about what was happening in the current scene

your cheek was pressed against his chest and your arms balled up in front of you

he smiles to himself and grabs his phone next to him to snap some pics of your sleeping face

he figured he should just go to sleep too since you arent awake to make dumb comments about the movie anymore

he closes your laptop and gently holds you to place your head on the pillow and shimmies himself to lay down as well

boom now you’re both dead asleep and snuggly

ok fast forward in time 

its your senior year and yall r kinda burnt tf out bcuz of college applications and scholarships

but wow its valentines again!!!11!

you were prepared to see donghyun struggling to carry a ton of chocolates but instead you were greeted to him holding a bouquet of roses and a bucket of fried chicken

“did someone give you chicken for valentines? is that their way of not being like everyone else and giving you chocolates”

he lets out a nervous laugh and steps closer to you

“no, but its my way of not being like everyone else” 

he holds out the bouquet and chicken in front of you

you stare at him like ??? lol ok

“wow is this finally my own gift of appreciation this year”

“in some sort, yeah”

“awwww thanks best friendddddd” you lightly smacked his arm and took the things from his hands

before you could take the time to look at the roses, donghyun grabbed your wrists and looks at you dead straight in the eyes

your heart sped up but you tried to make a joke to make it look like you werent nervous

“what do you want me to share the chicken?” 

“y/n can i kiss you” 

“wait what-”

he just goes in and plants his lips on top of yours

not too roughly tho

it was like a soft pillow on your lips and you did not pull away or complain at all

you leaned forward a bit to deepen the kiss since you couldnt really grab him or anything

cuz yaknow

ya got chicken and a bouquet occupying your hands

donghyun got the hint and hesitantly placed his hands on your hips

eventually the both of you couldnt breath so you pulled away and stared at each other

“im sorr-”

“shut up you absolute dork i cant believe you kissed me first before even saying anything” you teased

he shoved his face into your shoulder out of embarrassment and laughed

but it was all a scheme

he used that chance to whisper right into your ear:

“i love you y/n”

now its you shoving your face into his chest from embarrassment

“i hate you so much kim donghyun,...” 

me too y/n, me too.....

[short-simple-crystalclear]

To answer this question I need to tell you a bit more about the background. You know about those things more or less but I will interlink them with one another and it will be clearer when they are in one place.

I will tell you how my life looked before we happened.

Unstable, no commitments, jumping from one place to another, disappointment with people, constant nonfulfillment, the same companion all the time - me and me only. You know already that I am a seeker, every day, every minute, seeking for satisfaction, for meaning, for something that could fill that void inside me. It was very hard, I was unhappy, always acting as if everything was alright, being there for others and not for myself, changing environments as often as I could to finally find a place where I would feel good and comfortable. Apart from this, highly developed self criticism, constant efforts to improve myself - my interpersonal skills, my education, qualifications, my personality, my appearance. Because I still had this void in me, what is it? Lack of meaningful relationships? Low self-esteem? Lack of self acceptance? I didn’t know, so I worked on everything, always pushing myself over my limits. And constantly distracting myself from this feeling of emptiness and lacking. Either by next job, next bartender or barista training, excel courses, tax advisory courses, work and travel in America, study exchange, crossfit, yoga, japanese, eating, sleeping, going to the cinema alone, listening to the music at full volume. Everything I could find to meet new people, to forget about myself for a minute and to find meaning. I really was miserable, I could be surrounded by people who cared for me and adored me, and I still felt as if I was alone. But because it has been lasting for so long, I learned to deal with it. And here comes my mindset, my habits, everything that I must have given up before deciding you will be my future husband.

Freedom and individualism - those became (subconsciously) my most important values in life. I could go anywhere I wanted, so I was going, I didnt have any relationships, it was great, I didnt have to explain myself and my bizarre ideas to anyone. But because it was quite painful I started creating this vision of myself in my mind - what will I do, where will I work, where will I go during those times of the year which are associated with family and other people. I have experience in spending New Years eve alone (or with my parents, so the same thing) since 2014. In Poland not going to a party on New Year’s Eve means that you are a loser and a social zero. So I was both, invisible and social zero, no one could know about this, it is too shameful, it shows how unattractive I am, so I had to lie about my plans to people who asked me what was I doing. But yeah, I already had experience with New Year’s.

Next, Christmas - right after I move out from Poland I most likely wont go back home for Xmas because why would I? For the past 3 years I have treated every Christmas spent with my family as the last one. So I made peace with it too.

Next, and this is the biggest one, my normal everyday life - I will hire myself in a company or sth, climbing the career ladder, not worrying whether I will have kids or not because I wasnt even sure if I wanted them. How my life would look like? I live alone, go to work in the morning, go back from work in the evening, I go to yoga class or any other place and then I sit at my home and look for more opportunities for myself to grow. Still, no commitments, maybe random sex maybe not (depending on my confidence and relationship with my body), no adjusting to anyone else, changing social circles often (to avoid commitment) or being alone since I am so comfortable with my own company after all of these years. Besides, I cant trust anyone, people want to hurt me or destroy my plans and make me fail. It’s easier to be alone and observe everyone, and silently work on my achievements so no one can see. Do you remember our first fight? About sleeping around? That’s exactly what I (and you) was fighting with, I said “When it comes to me, sex was the only thing left that I couldn’t do without a man”. Exactly. And I wrote even more concerning this “I could imagine myself hitting 30, with my “dream job” making me miserable, with good apartment, surrounded by expensive things which were supposed to make me less lonely, with my eating disorder thriving, and with my vibrator in the drawer next to my bed, definitely overused one.” Similar to what I have written a couple of lines up, right? But that was my future in my mind, I planted this seed and accepted it. This was the way to prevent myself from more disappointment, broken heart and loneliness. I prepared myself in advance for all of them. I knew it was bad for me, but it was the only way I could cope with my hopelessness.

So what did I have to give up when I started a relationship with you? That I could go anywhere I wanted without much planning, that I could be fully flexible with my decisions because there was no other person involved, that I didnt have to know where I will end up in the end because I can always move and find a new place for myself. I had to give up my constant search for meaning and fulfillment. I had to give up my independence. Because if I am in a relationship I cant have secrets, I cant make plans that nobody knows about, I cant just go out without saying anything, I cant make decisions by myself without taking anyone else into consideration. I cant follow my strategy anymore - that no one really knows who I really am, no one knows my stories. I still perceived myself as not ready, not good enough, not having enough to give, because I knew how unstable I am, I knew well my urges to run away from people, I knew that I indeed loved being careless and free. Freedom, I understood and loved it, and I couldn’t give it up. I didn’t have much but I had this total independence, no matter how many mistakes I made, how bad my situation was, I could just turn around, change my living place and create my new identity over and over again. I also used it to stay myself, after giving away myself to others for years, I could go away and recover. I knew the costs were high, but at least I didn’t have to pay the greatest cost - being myself and accept everything that comes with it. I knew it was bad for me, I knew that. But that was living in me, so strongly, those were my reactions and thoughts which I had for years. That mindset was very important to me - not staying anywhere for too long, trying new things, being independent and not having to explain myself to anyone, changing people so they cant develop expectations. I didnt start any romantic relationship to protect myself from exposure and rejection when he finds out how I really am.

When I met you I had to give up all of that thinking, I had to make a mess with my life and destroy the whole system with no guarantee that I wont fuck up this relationship too because my demons will take over.

Now you can see why I behave in a way I behave, why I misbehave and do those unpredictable things. I decided I would give up all of this, but they are still troubling me, they dont want to let go. They are hijacking me from time to time and I have to fight with them. Unfortunately, sometimes I lose the duel, and then hurt you. Examples are: when I run away in September, when I wasn’t replying to you at the beginning of January for the whole day, when I triggered our first fight about sleeping around, female masturbation and vibrators, that’s why I still considered HPV vaccine even though you said we don’t need it, that’s why I dont like sending pictures of me to you, that’s why I say “everything is fine” even if it isnt, that’s why I had this dilemma about Toronto and couldnt see from the very beginning that you are most important to me, that’s why I didnt want to tell you about antidepressants, that’s why I was thinking and thinking again about our relationship and assessing whether I am still an asset to you, that’s why I asked if you would accept me if I leave you now and come back after a couple of years, that’s why I was pushing you away and pulling you closer, that’s why I ask for reassurances when you say you want me or you love me, that’s why I provoke you and actually cross the line, that’s why I make you uncomfortable sometimes with what I say, that’s why I kept you at arm’s length distance sometimes, thats why I believed that no one is irreplaceable and that love is conditional, that’s why I didnt want to go public with our relationship, at least on my side, that’s why at first I was telling you that you will have another wife, because I was afraid I will hurt you and let you down, that’s why I wasn’t so sure if I want to start a relationship with you at first, because I was sure I will ruin you and hurt the person that I love the most on this planet. I was pushing you away not because I wanted freedom, I was pushing you away because I could see how strong these demons and this thinking are inside me. And I was frightened that I would leave you one day in the future when it’s already too late, when you invest too much, when you completely adjust your life to be with me and when it’s too late for you to forget about me and find another girl for yourself. You can see that I had a lot of issues from the very beginning but you didn’t know because I wasn’t communicating them. And now I am communicating them but they are not as strong anymore.

And this void is still present there, I am still self conscious and too shy. When you came you didnt fill these holes in me, you didnt fix what was broken. No. You created new things, you created spheres that I never had, you built your own creations in my mind. And they are all warm, loving and comfortable. And now my mind and my body is colorful, there’s a lot of vibrant colors which you brought but there is also a lot of darkness. All I have to do is to give up on those destructive mechanisms that are old and no longer supportive and focus on the new ones. And I am relieved it is like this, I really am. You know why? Because you have built something sustainable, you are not a guy for one night who will help me forget about myself, you are not amphetamine which could get me high for a couple of hours. And it brings me peace and tranquility, that I am not using you to fill this void only and discard you when you stop “working”. But it will take me some time to unlearn all of the things that I was doing for years. I can clearly see how much I have changed during the past 6 months, from a complete doubt through confusion to a total belief. How I perceived myself unworthy of your love and now I accept it.

It wasn’t a coincidence that I was single. And you know how many opportunities I had to start a relationship, but I never had one because no one was worth it. Worth leaving my principles and plans. Until I met you. And when I am saying that I don’t want to be with anyone else I know what I am saying. I don’t want to be with anyone else.

And this Toronto thing, oh Elias. I never did something like this before, I think it was the biggest sacrifice of my life, because indeed, I did sacrifice my “alternative life”, pleasing others, forgetting about myself and helping them, doing the most unexpected thing without consequences, cutting my current relationships, turning my life upside down. But giving up Canada is a one thing, I won’t even apply, even though I already paid for the application fee, it means that I didn’t leave a second door for myself, I can’t run away in case I change my decision, there’s no way back, and I always, always leave a buffer zone for myself. Not this time, I can’t change my mind next month or in two months. It’s like I gave up my own security, my backup, part of my identity. I have never done more to any other person, never. I gave up my way of living. And it’s all for you.

[seethingballofhatred]

Truce AU -Steven universe

This is LONG and im sorry i cant make a cut on mobile. Anyway pink wasnt shattered in this au and she just disapeared,with her high court the zoo and all the rose quartz gems after they were bubbled, but she is presumed dead Shortly after pink disapeared, blue attempted to make a truce with rose. The earth is a gem colony that will not be "renovated" or used to make gems. Its usually where defective gems are sent, but any gem can travel to earth if she desires. Rose controls the earth though it is considered blues colony. Steven still happens, and is basically raised to be in a high position of power. Though most leadership was left to garnet amethyst and pearl The trial does still occur, though its because steven felt he needed to be tried for roses war crimes that she never delt with (as the diamonds couldnt get her in order to do a trial) This is what causes zircon to get interest, so thats why shes on earth with howlite :p Gems who live on earth are integrated with human society, and will either be symbolless or have a star. So you can tell wich gems are visiting earth (usually, as many gems choose to live on earth and havent gotten a star yet) The corruption bomb never happened sooo no corrupted gems The humans are treated equal, though most governments are controlled by gems (their better at leadership than humans, but their councels are full of humans usually) Cluster never happened (blue wont let yellow get near the planet, shes still super sad about pink and all that) They attempted to find pink diamond for many centuries, but they just couldnt find her.. Rumors say there are still search parties going throughout the galaxy Pink diamond took her gems and her zoo to a planet near the edge of the galaxy, one that isnt on the diamonds star maps and is very similar to earth, so the zoomans dont need to stay in the zoo Steven grew up taking frequent trips to homeworld to watch the crystal gems discuss imortant matters, this eventually switched to steven when the cg thought he was ready (this is probably some point during s4, even though many plot points are different) Aquamarine and topaz are sent to earth in order to collect some human specimen, as blue and yellow wanted to do research on them. (Blue from sheer curiosity, yellow because she wanted to get more control over them, i.e making weapons that would effect them and stuff) Steven volunteers for the trial when he learns more about rose, and pink diamonds disappearance. The crystal gems beg him not to do it, but he thinks it needs to be done. Neither zircon is poofed in the trial, blue zircon does her job well and steven is tried as innocent, steven having been on homeworld many times before, kind of knows how the legal system works and asks that instead of yellow zircon being shattered, she is sent to live on earth with no allowance to visit homeworld or any other colonies. Yellow and blue diamond find this acceptable. yellow zircon lives with lapis and peridot in an apartment in beach city. Gems are all over the earth and there are many of them, due to their influence on human society and culture, the humans are not racist or anything, and they have many technological advancements. Greg and connie (also lars when he becomes pink lars) are human representatives for homeworld and other colonies. Greg because he was close to rose, she would bring him along. Connie is considered stevens "human mate" (even though they are not together...as of now) her parents are very proud of her for being an intergalactic diplomat. And lars as he basically becomes stevens "guard", steven wants to keep lars near by (so he always has an escape route if need be and because hes just a sweet boy who loves his zombie friend okay?) Blue zircon doesnt live on earth, but she spends all her free time there, whether she is relaxing or preparing for a case, you can usually find her somewhere on the coast (usually the outskirts of beach city, outside city limits but still close enough that you could say shes in beach city) looking over files or reading human books. Howlite is usually bugging her (btw, while this isnt fully an oc insert au just for my ocs, im including howlite in anything with zircon... Let my law girlfriends be happy ok) The off colours are on earth, as padparacha and rutile were sent there soon after popping out, rhodonite and flourite came later when they were discovered. They live in a house in the country (around the barn area) they have an area big enough for flourite to have her own space, they are happy, steven visits when he gets the chance, garnet will always check in on rhodonite and flourite, checking up on relationships and asking if they need anything for their home (these babies are shy and wont go into town to get things, its cute) Pearl has a gang of bad ass "rebel" pearls, they are commonly seen sparring on the beach, or being moms around the town (to everyone.. I swear) Amethyst spends alot of time with the famethyst, as they were never taken off earth and sent to work in the zoo, amethyst didnt really pop out alone as the amethyst above her would often go to the kindergarden to see if the amethyst below her would ever come out. This means amethyst wasnt super involved with the crystal gems, but her and the famethyst (including the jaspers and carnelian) are considered an off-branch of the crystal gems, amethyst goes along to the homeworld meetings as a representative for the gems made on earth, as for some reason the famethyst wanted her to represent them) Sadly holly blue is never roasted by pearl, may this amazing scene rest in peace. Holly wants nothing to do with the earth and wont go to it unless blue instructs her too, which she has never done, holly is grateful. Jasper is part of the famethyst, is still a salty butt and is like a big sister to ALL OF THEM (suprising that she wasnt the representative for all of them) Jasper hopes they find pink diamond some day, as do the rest of the famethyst, they feel abandoned by their diamond and hope she will return some day The famethyst is more than just the gems that are originally at the zoo, it is every quartz soldier (other than roses) to ever come out of earth Pink is guilty that she couldnt bring every one of her gems with her, and is often quite sad because of this. Pink is never found, never returns to the earth. However some of her court have visted earth in secret to update their diamond on her colony, and her gems. She cries happy tears with every sparce report. Pink lets her gems do whatever they wish on their new planet, human civilization thrives, pink thinks one day she will need to inform earth of their sister human colony. One of the rare reports was done by a sapphire, her future vision gave her two paths, to inform the famethyst (pink knows about them and loves that her children stick together) of their diamonds wereabouts, or to return to earth 2.0 and never let them know. She watches them for many days and thinks they would be happier staying on earth, she informs pink of this. Pink respects her choice. The entire famethyst dont have stars (including our amethyst) all have pink diamonds, yellow and blue think this is strange, but they understand that they are still loyal to their missing diamond. There are many cities throughout earth that are populated by only gems, some of these are inhabited by only permafusions (the cities are not limited to gems and fusions, these are just areas humans chose to not live in, or eventually abandoned.) They are all like small town cities, with one or two streets, they occasionally get shipments of suplies (like food and stuff, even if they dont need it, many of them enjoy eating or doing "human" things) Garnet once considered moving to one of these towns, but decided she needed to stay with the crystal gems. She has told the off colours about these towns, but they prefer seclusion, garnet wont force them to do anything they are uncomfortable with, so she suggests it once, they turn it down, never talked about again. Steven finds lion while hes exploring the earth one day, since corrupted gems dont exist on earth, they had no reason to go to the desert. But steven happened upon it one day, lion was lying near the warp pad, waiting patiently for rose to come visit him again, lion takes a liking to steven, all the cuteness ensues. Lars doesnt turn pink on homeworld, he develops a terminal illness, when steven learns of this he tries to use his healing spit to stop it, it doesnt work, lars dies soon after, steven cries over lars when he visits with sadie, lars parents are already in the room, his mother bawling, his father barely holding himself together. When lars wakes up from death, his mothers tears turn from sad to happy, his father finally lets his tears flow, steven and sadie freak out for a few seconds before takling him with hugs. A doctor checks lars for any sign of the illness, its gone. Yellow zircon, peridot, and lapis are the loudest ones in their apartment building. They have almost been kicked out several times. Zircon talks the land lord into letting them stay, every time. Yellow zircon will often visit blue, they had a whole heart to heart thing. Blue expecting yellow to be furious about being trapped on earth and out of a proper job (shes going to law school to be a lawyer on earth, and currently works at a mall in the nearby town sice beach city doesnt have one..i think.) Yellow said that shes not upset, she just misses homeworld sometimes, though she enjoys her new life with peridot and lapis. They spend alot of time comparing homeworld law to earth law, how annoying law school is even though yellow was litteraly MADE to be a lawyer. Blue is thankful she doesnt have to do schooling on earth. Blue zircon has made many friends on earth, and spends alot of time on the planet. For some reason she doesnt feel the need to move to the planet, she feels like all her trips to homeworld would make it pointless and she might aswell remain living on homeworld. Yellow zircon and howlite eventually talk her into moving to earth, she lives in the same apartment complex as yellow, lapis and peridot, with howlite. The noise drives her nuts, howlite assures her shell get used to it. She never gets used to it. Zircon doesnt get how they sound like their in the same room, when they are on completely seperate ends of the building (yz peri and lapis are on the top floor near the front of the building, bz and howlite are on the second floor in the back) Zircon does not blame the land lord for hating them, she eventually demands they learn how to be quiet, as legally the land lord can kick them out at any time (from the many.. Many noise complaints) Howlite takes trips to homeworld, as any gems arested on earth are usually sent to homeworld for trial, then given back to the earth to decide what to do with them. Howlite (and other howlites and turquoises) is usually the one(s) to deliver the gems. Howlite also just works as a general cop (*coughcough security officer at a mall coughcough*) on earth Gems arested on earth are usually bubbled and kept in the burning room for however long their sentance is, pearl puts sticky notes on every bubble, on who the gem was, why they were bubbled, how long the sentance is, and the year they were bubbled. Yellow zircon ended up living with peri and lapis, because she didnt know what to do or where to go, steven took her to the appartment, asked the girls to help her get on her feet, they grew attached and she never left. Yellow zircon and peridot where normal human clothes (yz gets a discount from the store she works at so why not take advantage of it?) Lapis doesnt understand why they like human clothes so much. Yz loves baggy shirts and pants (she kinda misses the bell bottoms... Oh well). Peridot loves the fluffy sweaters, croptops, and cute shorts. She thinks shoes are weird so she usually goes barefoot. Peridot doesnt have a job, she stays home with their dog named pumpkin (shes a weiner dog and they love her) lapis works at fun land, as stayed before, yz works in a clothes shop at a mall. The famethyst have basically made their own city at the alpha kindergarden, it is recognized as an acctual city, and is the only one to be solely inhabited by just quarts soldiers. This town has no buildings or anything, its just the famethyst sparring and being quartz soldiers, the ones who enjoy sleep will sleep in their holes (any gems from the beta kimdergarden who like sleep will find an abandoned hole, that probably belonged to a rose quartz and claim it as their own) They all enjoy food.. All of them. (Except jasper.. She eats rarely though) so the town does get food shipments occasionally. Jasper is declared "mayor" of the town, they dont know what a mayor is.. But.. Jasper is it. Homeworld has a stigma with earth, that every gem there is defective. Though many gems living on earth still work for homeworld, some have hard times getting jobs, as gems would rather have a gem from anywhere else. It sucks and was a main reason blue zircon was scared to move to earth in the first place. Blue zircon does still have alot of work however, as she is usually the gem assigned to defend gems arrested on earth (as she knows how earth culture works, and many homeworld gems dont) Of course there are many other zircons on earth, same with any other gem. Theres many of every kind. Many gems will deny their purpose entirely and go to human college to pursue a new path. Sapphires have become scientists, quartz soldiers have become teachers, pearls have become famous chefs. Its known on homeworld that on earth you can do whatever you wish, though this makes the homeworld gems despise the earth more, why would a gem deviate from her purpose? She was made to do something, why would she go to earth to do something entirely different?