#answer is bc its the only time my mom and i are forced to talk to each other lol

[roseworth]

do you think jason was fridged? i see a lot of people talk about it and i wanna know what you think

the boring answer is no, he was not fridged because the term was created in reference to female characters and jason isnt a female character

but that answer sucks. so lets look more into it!!! (trigger warning for screenshots of alex dewitt & barbara gordon's respective fridgings under the cut, also screenshots from death in the family but none of the graphic ones)

i make jokes about jason getting fridged all the time bc there is definitely an argument for it but i think my answer is. no but with feeling

i can definitely see where people who think he was fridged are coming from. jasons death was entirely used to further bruce's grief and joker killed robin just to get back at batman, not to mention starlin was writing jason out of character so he could have an excuse to kill him. then ofc after jasons death there was the glass case & the fact that he was only brought up with things like "jason died because he didnt take it seriously" or whatever so the case for fridging is there

but the reason i dont consider it fridging is that he had a good amount of agency in death in the family. the story was ABOUT him, and he made choices in the story that led to his death in the way that other fridged characters didnt

ofc we have to look to Miss Refrigerator herself alex dewitt <3

alex was attacked because of kyle, she didnt do anything to cause major force to attack her, she was a character that was killed just so kyle could be upset about it. she had no agency in the story, and he killed her so hard they had to make a new word for it

then ofc there was the same thing with barbara

the only agency she had in this moment was that she chose to answer the door and. thats it. she wasnt even shot for being batgirl, she was shot because she was jim's daughter and it was entirely intended as a way for joker to use her injury to hurt jim

jason on the other hand! the story was about him (as much as it could be for a side character) and before i get into this i want to clarify that i am NOT saying that he deserved it because of his choices. that is not at all true. all im saying is that he had agency in the story and it was about him in a way that it wasnt about alex or babs

in death in the family, jason had plenty of agency. his death was about finding his mom and saving her. he died after he chose to protect her instead of listening to bruce

also?? bruce isnt mentioned once in the scene where joker beats jason until its already done and joker doesnt want batman to find out

so overall its not really a fridging!! he has a lot to do and a lot of focus within the story, and he was killed during his effort to save someone :( once again thats not to say his death was his fault, but he had a lot to do in the context of his death that it was still about him up until he died

his death was because of bruce because joker wouldnt have gone after him if it werent to get back at batman, but jason still had a lot to do in the story and it kinda goes against the whole point of the fridging trope. fridging isnt "side characters getting killed is bad" its "established characters getting no agency in their own death is bad (especially when said characters are women or minorities)"

[stuck-in-the-ghost-zone]

hi mac!!!! mentally i am sitting with u on the couch watchin youtube videos w u. i hope ur day was good :3 i had work 2day. did not stop me writing ghostknife!!! i wrote 2k more words in my tumblr drafts over my seven hour shift. im at 8.5k words total now. get my ass out the kitchen im cookin too hard!!!!! THAT ASIDE mac can u gimme some nhw thoughts. i wanna hear about nhw mark winters. tell me abt ur favourite gay depressed blond man!!!!!!!! i wanna hear abt him and what the winters family torment nexus is like in nhw!!!!!! holding out a microphone 2 u the floor is yours 🎤

OKAY . HI. I LOVE TORTURING THAT BLONDE MAN. im going to direct you to the mark winters essay just in case you havent read that one yet because its got context for a lot of what im gonna talk about hehe (beware for worm spoilers, ill make this answer easy 2 understand without context i promise) under the cut bc i tend to ramble about him. oops

god . okay. basis of the entire nhw mark winters character is that he is the most unlucky man in the entire world. like. literally. hes been targeted that way. universe's favorite punching bag. i could make a joke here about being god and such but ill save that for my dnd campaign.

literally. so much bad shit happens to him. and then keeps happening to him. and keeps happening. and he has to be so fucking. emotionally repressed and logical and analytic and focused or else he will go crazy. mark is one of those capes that got powers artificially (overlord forced them on him- parallel to forced experimentation in canon) but the dramatic irony of it all is that even if mark would have gotten his powers naturally through a trigger event... with the way worm powers work he probably wouldve ended up with the same powers anyway. man is a striker/tinker, which comes from "facing an immediate, in-your-face threat, usually a singular object or individual" (indirect danger from simurgh, immediate danger from ashe in his very unstable breaker form immediately after killing his mom) and "solutionless problems over long periods of time, culminating in a crisis moment" (faking his and ashe's deaths in order to escape the quarantine process of simurgh survivors, having to be on the run from any sort of scrutiny for nearly TEN YEARS, eventually resulting in being offered a job working for overlord (a notoriously cruel crime lord)) . i have a lot of feelings about that. mark goes through all of this and never has a trigger event, he gets through it all with his humanity mostly intact. and then he ends up getting powers anyway because hes forced into a corner by a fucking alligator man.

ANYWAYYYYY. the fic im writing rn is from tide's pov and its immediatly after overlords death, where tide finds mark (and a bunch of other people) unconscious in tubes after going through biological experimentation and getting. animal features. this is how mark gets the lizard stuff in this au. anyway since the fic is from tide's pov i want to take a second to talk about what it would be like from marks pov. mark disobeyed one of overlords orders because it would have meant fighting the wards (who ashe . recently joined as part of the team) . overlord does not take this well and punishes him by using him for unethical human experiments. so between that moment and overlords death, mark had been subjected to over a week of near-constant testing and surgery and he was probably awake for a lot of it and. thatll fuck a guy up!!!!! pretty fucking severely!!!!! but in the grand scheme of things a week isnt that much time. which is why his transformation is only minimal and he can still pretty much pass as human with some disguising (some of the other subjects were. not so lucky).

mark was unconscious for the entire overlord fight, so he has no idea what happens. because he was unmasked, the heroes dont recognize him as a villain so instead of going to jail he gets taken to a hospital with all of the other subjects and is basically just treated as a civilian victim. but because nobody knows who he is or his relation to ashe/auxiliary.... nobody. tells him about what happened to overlord. the wards arent as closely involved with mark in this au (and honestly they dont really like him enough to care, they really just know him as "ashe's shitty dad" and thats about it). um. well. the only person who knows his identity and knows his relation is. tide.

working for a supervillain and constantly surviving out of the public's eye for fear that someone might discover your past doesnt leave a lot of room for friends, and his only living family is currently being turned into a puppet by another supervillain (not that he knows this yet) so the only person who really visits him is tide. theyre not friends, theyre not anything to each other, really, but . they KNOW each other. they UNDERSTAND each other in a way that. nobody else in the world would. go read roswells nhw tidalwave post its everything to me . anyway im getting distracted. like i said, over a week of constant unethical experiments and body horror will fuck a guy up. three of his base biological senses/instincts have been SEVERELY messed with (eyesight is fundamentally changed by the heat sense, he cant really thermoregulate well anymore, his balance is completely thrown off by the Addition Of A New Limb) and so that makes it. really hard for him to recover into some sense of lucidity. the next handful of days after he ends up in the hospital are a complete blur of consciousness, any time he opens his eyes hes totally disoriented, hes getting these awful migraines from the strain, he cant control his body heat and it seems like hes always too cold, the scales are fucking itchy, etc etc etc. hes bedridden most of the time because he cant even stand up on his own without support bc he has to get used to the weight of a tail. for those days where he's basically stuck in bed, stuck in his room, etc. he is. bored out of his mind, hes angry, hes scared (ohhh god hes in a hospital did someone do a background check do they know who he is. he hasnt been to a real doctor in over ten years), he doesnt know how much time has passed.

tide happens to visit the first day mark is feeling lucid enough to ask about ashe. this is like. a week or so into his recovery. he overheard one of the staff talking about the date and it made him like. snap awake because he realized hes been away from home and had no way to contact ashe in like. half a month. he cant ask any of the hospital staff about what happened to his son because thats a surefire way of getting a billion questions about his identity. so when tide shows up its immediately like "where is he is someone taking care of him i hate you heroes and everything you stand for but i know hes part of that team now please tell me theyre keeping him safe" and. tide is really really good at keeping a straight face but he just has this Look in his eyes and mark Knows in that moment that every single one of his nighmares is coming true. he tries to leave, tide has to catch him because he still cant walk and hes behaving like a fucking wild animal, hes biting and clawing and just in this rage because why didnt anyone tell me sooner i couldve done something i couldve protected him ("mark, you were basically in a coma" "i dont care") . nobody knows what actually happened to ashe yet. he killed overlord and then just. went missing. nobody saw him leave. they have no lead whatsoever on where he could be (yet) and it drives mark CRAZY dude like. all mark winters knows is grief and rage. eventually the wards are given that hint about where to find him and see him with the trickster and now THEY know, but. again, they dont.. know mark as well. they dont have any reason to go tell him right away. i havent decided yet whether it would be more painful for tide to break this news to him too or if the first time mark sees his son again is . on tv unmasked using his powers in some gaudy outfit he knows ashe would never choose to wear with his hair pulled back out of his face in some intricate braid and. why are his eyes orange . what the fuck happened to him. his wholeeeeee. entire world entire existence just comes crashing down around him .

mark winters universe's most hated man

[aqqleshiqqing-archive]

me rushing to your bed like that candance MOM HOLY FUCK meme with chicken soup bc mwa anyways let's get this bread 💬 with jaide stone and zinnia since women hating women is a thing 😔🤙 (might throw you more idk) also highly honored to have my ocs in your s/i list 🫡 those are my boys

i may not be drinking chicken soup but i have nice tea to warm my itchy throat ✨✨ thank you mwamwa also of COURSE i have to include some of your OCs especially clear. it's almost hard for me to imagine the story without maroon or clear in it 😭

okay. oh no. my switch has been flickered. you decided to ask ME about ZINNIA? aka the woman who completely altered ruby's childhood? while I understand her hatred towards steven and devon corp itself she's still got issues that im not EXCUSING MF 💥 women hate women still exists im afraid and jaide stone is nothing but a hater when this lady comes around 💥

okay so let's start in the R/S arc. the salamence event happens, ruby gets injured. sounds easy right? sure, but why did it even happen in the first place? nobody knew where the salamence came from - that's what jaide held the biggest contempt for.

"who in the world, was this sick and twisted to allow their dragon creature come to fight harmless children?"

she didn't have the answers yet, but the day would get even worse when she also learns that steven's devon corporation has gone through with an accident that had something to do with... releasing the sky legend. and it was because of a salamence as well. while I imagine steven refusing to disclose that specific detail about caging a beast down (corporation secrets, you know?) it's still easy to tell jaide that he's very upset, combined with him learning what happened to ruby too. it was not a great day for anyone, not even professor birch, I'm sure.

but from that day onward, jaide would do her best to find out the perpetrator that caused this trauma on the children, she's not just doing this for ruby, but for sapphire as well. she's had this same feeling as before, when gold gets in trouble for dealing with the evil scums of the g/s/c arc. she just knew that feeling too well, and didn't want it to happen again. her willpower to find out the truth keeps expanding as she's forced to watch the strained relationship between ruby and steven become stronger as time goes by - they rarely talk about that incident, but it's like a core memory to everyone involved there.

proceeding to the oras arcs, i can't really imagine jaide to be very involved from the get-go, but that would be until she would learn about the meteorite that would come to destroy all of hoenn - she's more or less of a supporting character. i would have to reread this again to give you a full answer on what she can do

but let's skip to the good part, when jaide does learn that zinnia was the one responsible for all this. i can't remember the sequence of events too well, but let's assume it all happened on this part where zinnia brings fourth the reformed magma and aqua team. (again i could be assuming the sequence of events wrong but yeah shh)

she has no idea who she is, but from the way she spoke so lowly about devon (a company that everyone loves) and having that intimidating salamence by her side - she couldn't help but assume maybe this could be the one. combined with jaide's smart sense of pokemon nature reading - she can only assume it was the aggressive salamence that fought without rhyme or reason from years ago + the same salamence also attacked steven's corporation.

i like to imagine jaide didn't say much as first, as she's not one to be so brash and act upon it quickly and allows zinnia to proudly monologue about her plans, slowly trying to understand what's going on. part of her plan includes stealing the keystones to win the favor of the sky beast, and who else had a keystone? steven stone.

sending out her goodra, it immobilzes steven with its goo and commands it to steal his stickpin - jaide panics but steven wanted her out of this. but just in the nick of time:

ruby comes in a clutch to stop the goodra from stealing his stickpin. distracted, jaide would try to lunge at zinnia and try to apprehend her and keep her in place - grabbing her wrists and looking at her dead in the eyes - quite the angry mother, huh? while she didn't understand the whole context of what's going on, she knew that zinnia was bad business and wanted her to talk it out. that's when jaide asks her to confirm her speculations

"your salamence, that was the same one from 9 years ago, wasn't it? it wrecked havoc in the corporation."

zinnia would snicker.

"of course! it was also thanks to a little boy that made it even more agitated, and it broke off the cages to set the sky legend free."

her suspicions would be correct, it was the same one that harmed her son 9 years ago. the events lined up exactly with the woman's words.

jaide... was furious. but, she can't just fight all of a sudden, it's not like her but the least she can do was to call upon her ursaring to keep zinnia pinned - I mean, she got the boss, right?

zinnia would snicker at steven again.

"you're married? it would seem you're not the most honest husband around."

jaide assumed she was just... trying to piss her off. but in reality, jaide was missing a few chunks of context that steven had regrettably hidden away from her.

ruby stopped his mother from being passive aggressive towards the perpetrator, and would give up his and emerald's keystone bracelets just to simply say that he "wants this to be over."

it wouldn't be long before zinnia sets out, thanking ruby for the keystones and flying out of the place. jaide was stunned, steven looked dejected again.

it would seem he still has to clear up a few things about what he and his father does for a living.

it's complicated to be a family and business man at the same time.

[sugar-omi]

honestly all that was sooo what i needed to hear rn bc a girls been STRESSED so thank you <3 😭

i'm gonna major in biotechnology! i went to a votech and that was my trade there and i loved it so i wanna continue studying it. not totally sure what job i want yet so i don't know how much schooling i'll do but yeah! :D

BIOTECH??? THAT SOUNDS SO COOL N SO COMPLICATED please i literally had to google that shit bc idk what it entails but this is some big brain shit, n all i gotta say is good luck n i am cheering you ON!!🎉🫶🫶

although i think you got this in the bag already. anyone with the balls to do something so advanced. is a very smart n strong person. from what im reading on google this is some really cool shit, no matter what direction you go with it. n you have your work cut out for you, but i know you got this!!

so don't doubt yourself!! you got this!!! your brain is huge n you are powerful!!!!

n of course!!! i figured saying something like that would help with anyones anxiety, because really, its the pressure (even if they're not actually pressuring you) and the overwhelm of questions and expectations that make the future so stressfullll

*ramble utc because i... cannot help yapping i guess LOL and while i'd usually be embarrassed and delete my ramble n word vomit, but i figure someone else readding this may appreciate the relatability of what i have to say about my fams reaction to my plan after hs, and find some comfort in my word, if thats not to presumptuous

because i decided to take a gap year (it's been a year since i graduated, for reference), and everyone freaked out. my mom n uncles first reaction was "yeah well, you won't go if you do..." before they came around n agreed with my reasoning. and my dad was all "if i had it my way, you'd go full time--" (mind u, he likes to brag that he worked n went to school full time AND partied.... he did not finish college LMAO) and when i graduated, said to me a MONTH. AFTER MY GRADUATION. "if you're not going to college any time soon, go into the air force."

and when my extended family would ask my plans, and i only had a short "i'm just gonna take a break right now, figure some things out, work... and by then i'll have come to a decision." because i was tossing around the thought of art school, and then i thought abt getting an english degree to be either a teacher or go into writing/editing, journaling or whatever... but was also tossing around the thought of psychology and even real estate. my ideas for my future were absolutely jumbled, and i was torn between what would make money, what i loved, and what i was interested in that i thought could be a career.

it's tough. especially depending on your financial situation yknow, so your thought process always leads towards something profitable but also wanting to do something you enjoy, maybe even love, but not wanting to burn out and tarnish your beloved hobby/hobbies.

like while i did have people who supported me upfront, and never doubted my plan, it's the small things too yknow. because for months my dad's words haunted me, i felt like i wasn't doing enough. or when i met family, and they asked how it was going, or what i was doing now, i felt disappointed that my answer was always "i haven't been doing anything. just been sleeping, drawing, writing..." or eventually that and "practiced driving.. n that's about it."

or when i'd talk to close family members, and i admitted i was going through a hard time, my mental state finally falling on me now that i didn't have to be strong n power through school. i even got sick a couple times, because my body was finally feeling the stress. even now, i feel a mental lag, a fog. but i feel clearer, a bit.

but yknow, the looks and the "you said that last time" or "i think you're lying" is tough.

but at the end of the day, if not working for the summer, or not going to college for a semester, or 2, or 3, or a whole year. or if going part time, or whatever you're doing... and it benefits you, and it benefits your mental health. then do it, don't listen too much, don't feel too guilty.

because if you need it, just like i needed the time to rejuvenate, then don't listen to anyone else. don't force yourself to do anything. because if you have the ability to take a break now, do it. you're not doing this because you're lazy, or selfish, or unambitious. or anything like that. you're taking that break, you're taking this break right now, for future you.

because if you don't take it now, when will you take it? and when you do take a break... will it be at the cost of your health? will it be at the cost of something greater? when the break comes, will it come when you're being handed the gold medal you've been fighting for.. and then it slips out of your hand just like that.

anyway.. do whats best for you. what you need. don't worry about figuring things out too fast either, because in fact, i've been plotting this moment of my life for about 10 years, genuinely, and i still had to revise it. still had to come to a conclusion because even with all that plotting, it doesn't plan for the hard times. or the 'you' you are right now. you will be someone else next week. and you will be someone entirely different 2 months from now.

take your time. because if you jump into something, and are unsatisfied, or "waste" time doing something other than what you "should be doing", the time still passes.

if you "waste time" anyway, waste it on yourself. not others expectations. or wishes. or their dreams.

and once enough time passes as well, no matter what you do by then. the questions do stop coming. the weight of the future, once you get there, is suddenly not so... big. intimidating.

you do not need a grandiose plan. if you are content with the future in your mind, that is enough. because at the end of your life, who will sit in that chair and ponder the life you lived, and weight it's satisfaction, if not you?

[hwangsies]

I feel so fucking alone bruh

I suck at uni, barely have any friends and have literally not left my house in two weeks. Just now i was talking to my mom abt it but all she had to say was pff i never had many friends either. But then again what did i expect, a hug? right

Last night i was supposed to go out with a friend but she cancelled on me last minute because she was feeling sick, like thats no problem at all, i mean yea i was bummed bc i was excited to get out of the house again but like dont force yourself to go out with me if you feel bad yk?

Anyway i texted my bestfriend, who recently moved a little further away which kinda made it so we cant see each other as much anymore, that said friend had cancelled on me and that i feel shitty bc im hanging around at home again.

I texted her at like 7 pm she answered at 2 am saying „why didnt you say something you could’ve come to my cousins birthday party with me“ which i know she didnt mean maliciously but like,,, i did say something tho?

Maybe im being dramatic, i dont know i just feel left behind.

I know i basically abandoned this account and am a sucky moot but i literally didnt know where else to vent.

Now im sitting on my bed after the interaction above with my mother took place like 15 minutes ago, crying. After her comment i just left for my room again, knowing it wont happen but silently hoping that she maybe realised that what i told her wasnt about her but again, i was disappointed.

I could tell her shes being a narcissist, that she always was one but then i would just get the „yea ur right im such an awful mother“ treatment and i dont trust myself to not chuck a plate at her if i have to hear that again.

You know she has never in my 21 years of life apologised to me, let alone comforted me when i cried alone in my room after a fight, which we regularly had.

Shes not a bad mother though, i relate to her alot and we’re similar in alot of ways shich is probably why we fought so much while i was growing up. Shes fun and chill and mostly uncomplicated, cynical and blunt which i always admired and never held me to weirdly high academic standards.

Im more sensitive than her tho, which i get from my dad, which i dont think she can handle very well, sometimes yes, other times it ends like it did just now; me crying in my room and her being clueless.

Or maybe she isnt clueless and just doesn’t feel like dealing with me. But that would make her seem awful and i don’t want to think of her like that.

My father is sweet, often times oblivious though and not as „life smart“ as my mom, (is that mean to say? Idk) he avoids us on purpose when we got into a fight.

He is extremely non confrontational and never takes sides, if he does its my mothers because he doesn’t want to be her next target probably. He cant stand up to her like me and my brother can.

But i guess thats the only pro of being raised by someone like that. The biggest con however is that i find myself displaying that narcissistic victim mentality sometimes too.

I dont know how that friend cancelling on me yesterday snowballed into this weird lovechild between a whiny complaint and an autobiography lol but i guess i had it pent up.

If you’ve read this far.. lmao why? but thanks for listening i guess <3

[james-fun-in-the-sunderland]

Erm general questions

Fave food

Fave activities and why

Cuddler?

Scars? From what?

Type?

Favorite people

Type of humor

hi hello my bestie im gonna answer these for vicky bc he was on my mind

Fave food

vicky LOVES a good steak (he likes it cooked medium rare in case anyone asks), his mom would always make steaks on special occasions and so not only did it taste SUPER good to him but he always associated it w good times :) he has never tried to grill up som steak himself bc he knows it wont taste as good so he goes to nicer restaurants on special occasions to get some steak!

Fave activities and why

I feel like i barely ever talk abt it but vicky LOVES to sing and play guitar! its like the second part of his whole thing, he also collects records and in general loves to collect good sound systems to listen to music! hes always loved music ever since he was a kid and looked up alot to like singers and bands and stuff bc he saw that as like ... peak lifestyle, exactly what he wanted to be and do when he grew up... he tried to break out and become some kind of singer songwriter but nothing ever went through and when his daughter was born he basically gave up that dream but he still sings and all of that bc it makes him happy :)

Cuddler?

YES.... INTENSELY. his boyfriend gets his cuddles in FULL FORCE !!! hes very touchy and will sort of passively cuddle his bf when theyre just like . doin nothin. just standing next to each other he'll have his arms around him n stuff (note this does NOT happen in public places bc vicky HATES pda but in their own home and in private moments he is INSUFFERABLE) hes also very cuddly with his daughter! he would OFTEN fall asleep w her on his chest when she was littler c: shes also a cuddler bc of this ofc

Scars? From what?

oh boy does he have scars, i have a whole section on his ref sheet for his scars

(i put it in here twice so that the post doesnt KILL dashboards w how long it is lmao)

i also have alot of like explainations for some of em, the burns on his arm are from when he went to dispose of some evidence for a boss and was a BIT fucked up (drunk) and so he didnt notice there was some lighter fluid that got on him until he already lit the fuckin match (hes a lil dumb <3)

the scar that goes across his stomach and on his arm was when he was doing a hit and thought the person was dead but they WERENT they were tricking him so when he didnt expect it they could slash the fuck outta him and get away (he still ended up killing them in the end but it was a GOOD try <3)

his facial scar, his most noticable one since the rest he tends to cover with clothes, was from when he got fucked up on alot of stuff and went for a drive during the WORST period of his life (he had SEVERE depression man he was NOT doing well) and he ended up hitting a pole at like 100 mph and of course didnt have a seatbelt (this was in like the 60s so .) so he flew out the window and MIRACULOUSLY was not hurt outside of alot of bruises and small cuts along with a shard of glass getting stuck in his face as he skidded scross the pavement like a skipping stone (which is what caused the huge scar) he doesnt like people to ask about it bc he finds that part of his life embarrassing (guy doesnt like having emotions :/)

HI EDITING BC I REALIZED I MISSED THI s his missing pinky got cut off as a punishment from a boss he had <3 not much more developed than that as of rn

Type?

i am GUESSING u mean type in like dating partners... in which case ... i havent really thought abt it! i suppose he likes people that are different from him! smaller, got more meat on their bones, more thinkers rather than impulse type people like he is, also hairy-er people. he doesnt grow body hair and i imagine the first time he kissed his bf (who has a beard) he was like AHHHH OK . I GET IT. I LOVE THIS

mostly i think he also really loves people he can do things for... like people he can care for... hes terminally someone to has to be doing things for people (as long as he agrees w the things bc otherwise he wont!) his bf makes sure to give him stuff to take care of w him (he has chronic pain in one of his legs and used to just rub some pain reliever on himself but now he and vicky have a whole routine in the morning w it :) )

Favorite people

his boyfriend abel and his daughter rosa! they are his EVERYTHING.. like literally if he lost them he would PLUMMET back into the depression he had when his mom died but EVEN WORSE bc he prides himself on taking good care of his daughter, if he worries about her its all he can think about, rn in universe shes being held hostage for him to do a job and hes WORRIED SICK like she is ALL he is thinking abt rn :(

Type of humor

oh he would definitely be called problematic . i wouldnt say he has an offensive sense of humor but its for sure darker than usual, growing up as a bully who took quite a bit of joy in suffering will do that to ya :/

[jolly-at-nite]

A HisPANICK, way of life.

I'm growing and as I'm growing so is my wisdom in life.

Growing up, I idolized the women in my family. I saw them as strong maternal women, who did anything and everything for their children, and the children of the family.

In my family, there was an unspoken hierarchy. The oldest girls took care of the younger brood. We were taught at least the generation I am from, to practically care and raise the younglings.

Cook, clean, bathe, repeat, repeat, repeat.

I was still a child and had the responsibility of a woman thrust upon me.

This is not unheard of in a lot of hispanic families. The girls, are not girls, they are women in girls bodies. Such adult responsibilities and emotion forced and molded into such fragile bodies.

I am now in my late 30's. And I have always looked from within, the answers I needed.

Sometimes good, sometimes but, but mostly good.

I have come to realized the damage such actions have caused.

I have always been a naturally caring person, I have always put others before me. Always, and I still do, the only thing different is now it is not expected of me.

But caring for others has become one big chunk of my personality. I am also very nurturing, which even though its crazy demands and hard times, being a mom is something I always wanted.

but at my own terms. I wanted a positive relationship. I wanted a stable house hold, I wanted to raise my children in love.

I have that now.

That being said, I have moved away from my family to start living my own.

Still the weight and the stress of my extended family has haunted me. It has reached me, despite the distance.

Beside myself, my aunt, titi Z, was a caring person. She took care of her own family, and the extended family. She was troubled, but she always took care when needed. Selflessly too. Always self less.

People took advantage of that. Even I, I will admit.

All of us, always pawned off the needed assistance to her.

She has passed, and she is sorely missed.

Now I've notice that it seems I was meant to take her place.

Because I truly was molded to help, to come to the rescue, to be obedient, to be the "good" one in the family.

I don't get it. I don't.

One day, they're praising me. How good I am, and that I've never changed, and that I have a good heart. All this.

In the same breath, they say take care of yourself, you have to be healthy for you and the baby.

I had the worst birth. I went in for an appointment and by that evening, I was hooked up and taken in for a emergency c-section.

My baby is healthy, I am ok.

I stayed in the hospital for about a week. I came home, to my mom immediately asking me to help take care of my sisters baby.

Me. The one who just got several layers cut upon.

The disappointed expression on her face still makes me want to cry.

My family is a family, but they are so toxic. So toxic and they bleed the stuff. They bleed it and they breathe it.

One minute I think, I'm ok, they understand me, they care for me.

I make one wrong move, say how overwhelmed I am.

and BAM! I am targeted. And I hate it. I hate it bc the feelings are so heavy knowing I did something wrong. I let them down. Its a swirl of emotions that make me sick and I cannot sleep at night.

It consumes me inside. I panic. I cry. I don't want to be this way. I don't want to feel this way. I strive, I struggle, I do everything to keep them happy, to keep them cared for.

I do so much, I am the one they use to cry on. I am the one who gives them financial help, I am everything. I am the definition of help.

But! When I stumble, I make a mistake of expressing how this is all killing me?

No, they stop talking. They give me the silent treatment. You just cried to me the other day of your worries, here I am telling you I need to step back. I need to breathe.

And now, I am the bad one.

I am the ungrateful one.

I am not my mothers nurse, of doctor. I cannot be her carer she hates me and she treats me like less than human.

I can not care for everyone at once. I am human. I am weak. I am sensitive. And it hurts, and it kills me when I am nothing to them.

And so, I've realized that I cannot change this toxicity. This weird ugly environment of hate, and green lighting, and manipulation.

They can have all of that, everything.

And though their words will cut me, and it will hurt me and probably destroy me. I will be free to fill my life with joy, with caring for my boyfriend and our child. We will make our lives happy.

[angel-demiel]

List 5 things that make you happy, then put this in the askbox for the last 10 people who liked or reblogged something from you! Get to know your mutuals and followers <3

HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII HELLOOOOOOO thanks for the ask i was very surprised to see something in my inbox lol Hmmm hard to say honestly im not happy often but i think the things that are making me even a bit happier for now are 1. my friends obv, i dont know how id be if i couldnt talk or play with them semi-regularty and texting too 2. my cats, they are funny things, mother randomly brought another kitten and hes so different from the older one lol. i have a sideblog with them bc i wanted to have photos of them growing up (but sometimes i feel like im forcing myself to go take a pic for it idk lol) 3. green tea my beloved, i live on it, lately i love the soursop flavoring for it, i think it a great flavor to add to green tea, fully recommend if yall drink tea 4. dungeon synth music, im annoyed at music that has text lately so i found some dungeon synth while searching for instrumental only and now im a fan. i have a youtube playlist for backgroung music and its half dungeon synth now lol 5. and from more personal stuff, i like that with years (even tho im still 21 but you know, its not my mom having a call on my haircut etc anymore) i have more control over my appearance to make it less my agab and im glad that i have friends that are understanding of me trying to distance myself from my agab. honestly understanding being agender/genderqueer/etc etc i dont have a connection to a specific label (just neither male or female, and not something specific honestly my description of myself) is freeing a bit? even if i cant present typical genderlessness/androgynity people expext (not being skinny mostly :| and i cant afford all that clothes people like and all that, honestly i often look boring) and i probably wont ever but not being misgendered by my friends and having random people on the street sometimes second-guess is more pleasant then before. and choosing my own clothes still makes me have more of a personal style, how my friend calls it, time-traveller from dc who style lol. i think its a very inspirational style and it pairs well with gender stuff. wow i really said a lot on this topic Not going to sent the same ask to you back bc i saw you answered it from someone else but if you didnt id send lol ;^) thanks again its fun to interact with other tumblr users even if im anxious to

[magicalgirlpropaganda]

I think im demi or grey ace? Bcs I'm only attracted to one person every few yrs. Maybe not even bcs a lot of times i force myself subconsciously because i want to have a crush bcs other ppl do. I pretty much can not have a crush on someone unless i know we share the same kinks pretty much. I'm not physically attracted to someone but I am aesthetically attracted to people. Also the idea of vanilla sex genuinely seems traumatizing. Not overreacting, like genuinely. Like.. I can't explain it, but I just cant do it. I've never been attracted to someone's body, nudes annoy me more than anything unless it is someone I already really like (and even then, it's less im attracted to them and more that I like the idea of making someone else feel good about themselves). I also am aromantic so I don't feel romantic attraction. I like romance and romantic action, like I'll 100% go on a date and cuddle and spoil my partner, but the feelings are platonic.

God idk its frustrating when my mom constantly CONSTANTLY asks why i never have crushes. Because I just can't tell her the answer. My mom asks a lot of questions that I can't tell her the answer to because it isnt appropriate to. And I don't know how to tell her because she wants to be involved in my life and it's not that I don't want her to but that it just isn't appropriate for her to be involved in that part of my life since she is family. And I just wish she'd stop asking me why I haven't had many partners or why I never talk about crushes. I just kinda brush it off, idk what else to say. But she keeps asking.

[mrfoox]

'so what would you like to do (as work)? If you could get to do anything, without anything holding you back?'

Me, sweating bc I haven't dreamt of a job since I was 7 and wanted to be a dentist: haha

[noiivvern]

why do i only learn my family history on long car rides

[kaleidosouls]

I love your Pearl redesign! I also love that you gave her a more motherly personality, cause Steven deserves a Mom! 💖 (I know he had Garnet in canon, but still)... But is your Pearl still an inventor and knight, like in Canon? 💜Also, what is your Pearl’s relationship with Amethyst, since they don’t argue like in Canon? 💙And how does your Pearl feel about Greg, since the crush on Rose/Pink isn’t there?

thankyou so much!!! this made my day ;w; im answer your questions so apologise that i literally am clinically like, unable to be brief. god how i wish i knew how. i ended up going into way more detail and writing than what you asked so im sorry for using your questions as writing prompts sdgkj

she's still an inventor and knight, and insecure about these traits since they were developed over thousands of years and not what she was made for. rose just thought of her as another joining her forces while pearl could only see it as a transfer of ownership, so in a way she saw learning those skills as a way to be a better servant for rose's cause but no one had really Asked her to pick up arms or technology, she was simply interested in those things without realising it herself. im sure shed be similarly enamoured with the concept of knighthood as it's a more glamourized form of servitude.

pearl and amethyst would have similar like, butting heads in canon except pearl isnt berating and diminishing amethyst like she did, but still a sort of like shes telling or trying to encourage amethyst to 'do her chores' and amethyst hates it and is dramatic about it. pearl is clearly very ocd driven but more meek so she'll tell amethyst, please pick up those things on the floor and amethyst going UGH I HATE IT HERE, its something that over time does make amethyst feel like shes improper but pearl isnt too prideful to not stop when amethyst asks her to, and amethyst learns over time to be more considerate with pearl than just make a fuss every time cause pearl takes it very seriously. pearl still tries to do things she seems helpful sometimes without asking like tidying up a few things in amethyst's room which makes her mad and pearl doesnt understand why but is actually distraught when she makes amethyst unhappy

they are very much still a sort of opposites to eachother but pearl has a more introverted personality, shes more easily embarassed by amethyst's antics than offended. she like cares deeply about her bc she and garnet basically 'raised' amethyst over the hundreds of years since they found her in kindergarden. amethyst has is jealous of both pearl and garnet being so 'put together' and it makes her question herself but shes not in suicidal depression like she is in canon (where she talks about literally not asking to have even been born)

i think further on in canon after some development with steven too theyd get a lot closer and learned to work some of their differences where pearl has learned to 'let loose' some more and amethyst has grown more responsible. pearl needs to learn to exist For herself and not depend on anyone else for her worth and amethyst wants to form an identity for her own and she needs to accept her own flaws and that relying on other people doesnt make her lesser.

wrt greg, i could see pearl initially being very awkward around him. like moments in canon where she like, ducks behind garnet around greg and such except wtihout the context of 'ew the Disgusting Useless manthing that STOLE my gf' and more like, oh no one of the alien people >< greg is such a loose chill guy and itd bump against her neat and tidy outlook, but she would grow to like him and find him fun. i believe All the gems become torn on how to feel about greg when like, rose becomes more attatched to him than them, pearl would specially not understand and feel frustrated why she cant come along on 'dates' because shes used to being around rose as much as possible, rose presumably having already had flings with humans but like, in secret from the others. greg would also be like, Greatly insistent on letting her act in servitude towards him and become upset by her trying to act like what to him is like a maid or something worse, something pearl wont be able to understand for a while until after she sorts this out with steven.

wrt the whole, giving birth to steven, im torn on how to change it in the sense it still doestn Fully make sense to me how it happened anyway but, i feel like pearl would be so shocked she wouldnt really process the depth of what was going to happen until it did. greg should bring up the living conditions for the baby and theyd probably get the house in the temple built before steven's birth, rose finds the idea of the house super endearing but amethyst is the one who suggests greg should 'just move in', and no one has really any complaints about that. (bc theres no valid reason he adn steven couldnt live in a house when they could just build one anytime anyway?? greg is litearlly homeless and poor?? i think rose wouldnt even think to consider that greg's life is difficult, but when greg brings up all his anxieties about raising a baby, the rest of the gems were definitely concerned)

when it happened pearl went throw stages of depression where shes denying rose is really gone because shes just shapeshifted into this baby thing, and unable to really reach or talk to rose or see her over time makes her frustrated and angry and upset in a way not even the gems had ever seen her, where she butts heads with greg who similarly ends up having an outburst because hes in so much grief and he didnt really Want her to be gone and they couldve jsut adopted a human baby but he felt he had no right to deny her the right to have a kid if thats what rose wanted. pearl has a similar thought to canon that if they just pull the gem out rose would come back before snapping back into herself and seeing how everyone is grieving and in pain and that like, Thud in her gut that she really is gone, for real, like she might as well have been shattered, and sinks into a very long depression where shes near catatonic similarly to how she was when losing her diamond. she floats through the motions and does whatever anyone tells her to do but doesnt really talk anymore. everyone else is going through their own like, ways of processing and coping with this and they really dont know how to support each other, and garnet doesnt want to push pearl into fighting because shes barely there mentally so she ends up spending a lot of time in the house with baby steven, with greg picking up working in the car wash like in canon bc hes broke and has a son to raise. i think this is where shed actually pick up the habit of watching steven sleep, this has just ocurred to me sdklgj idk why she does in canon other than canon pearl is a freak but while steven is like an infant and pearl is too depressed to do anything she starts to just watch steven and babies sleep most of the time. greg like, rants out loud to pearl whenever hes home, which is fairly often anyway, like walking himself through the steps of baby 101 and she kinda just watches it almost absentminded, but thanks to her gem processing she Is absorbing most of what greg is saying to her, she just doesnt react much. greg also starts to ask her for help more and let her help with chores which she greatly takes to because its like thank god something to fullfill my self worth and give me something i can do. i think this is what gets her slowly becoming more active again because of settling into a parent routine and caring for a baby gives her more than enough things to do. shes intially scared of even touching steven like he will break, and theres a lot of like, alien doesnt know how human babies work moments, but she starts to absorb herself in parent 101 books and knocking at vidalia's door with a questionaire and becoming familiarised with baby stuff. itd probably get to the point greg has to like pry steven from her bc steven is His son you know. i think pearl and greg would probably end up becoming pretty good friends through this experience, honestly. same with garnet and amethyst. greg would take a much more active role in steven's life than having to distance himself bc of 'gem stuff', he would also raise steven to love music the same way in canon.

i think while pearl and greg wont get along 100% of the time, as their personalities dont quite meld, theyd be a pretty good co-parenting duo. greg would teach pearl a lot about humans that she had no idea about and she takes his lessons to heart, often Too literally, and he has to clarify things to her later. she would share the feeling from canon that humans seem 'very fragile', speciallyafter spending time with a baby. she probably became really horrified at all the horrible ways babies could crack their skulls that contributed to her overprotectiveness of steven later. as well as her mentally transferring her servitude from rose to steven. i think many people would regularly assume pearl to be steven's nanny or maid than a mother bc thats how she acts like, which like upsets steven when hes in his teens because he wants her to be his friend, not his maid.

anyway no one is gonna read all of this but tahnk you sdlgkjs oh and to add, while i dont want pearl to have a crush on rose i believe she would idolize/admire her in a way people could interpret as crush-like but i want her to feel about rose as platonically as garnet and amethyst do. like its simply not a romantic thing bc in canon she is Literally her owner and in my au pearl thinks of her as such.

[rendevousz]

mum?

mother figure!nat x fem!teen!reader

avengers x reader

req by @teenwonder ; i absolutely love the entire teams adoration for reader skfksngnsf its so cute! could i please request one a little more nat based? maybe r treats and loves nat like a mom but nat hadn’t noticed that before, and the whole team is like listing examples of how and why 🥺🥺🥺

summary: the four times you needed nat and the one time she admits that she needed you too.

warnings: blood, a random attack out of nowhere because i'm not creative, inaccurate writing of medical situations because i have no idea how those things work, also let's just pretend bruce was around during iron man 2 when tony still had palladium in his arc reactor, also inaccurate descriptions of palladium effects bcs i just...don't know much about palladium pls forgive me thanks, and idk any hospitals in new york/manhattan or even the states LMAO so uh bear with this, and last but not least, my inability to write good endings

word count: 5426

notes: that's a long ass warning nevertheless pls do enjoy this fic <3

"i'm going now, bye!" you bid the team who were having breakfast together, walking out of the common area.

"bye, cupcake! don't get into trouble, don't do what i'd do and definitely don't do what i wouldn't do." tony advised and you rolled your eyes because tony says that to you every morning before you leave for school.

"wait, don't forget your lunch!" nat stands up from her seat and grabs your lunch that she had packed, from the kitchen island, bringing it over to you. "thanks, nat!" you grabbed it, giving her a quick peck on the cheek before leaving.

nat smiles at the action, turning around to walk back to her spot on the table, only to find the team staring back at her with knowing looks.

"what?"

"you know, you only need to sign a couple papers and the kid's all yours." tony states matter-of-factly. nat snaps her head towards the man, an incredulous look on her face. "what are you talking about?"

"we all see the longing looks on both your faces. she's dying for you to call her your daughter and you, her mother." clint explains and the others nodded in agreement.

"that's nonsense. she has wanda too," nat reasons, sitting back down. "i'm pretty sure she sees wanda as a sister considering how much she drags wanda with her whenever she's causing trouble around the tower." steve raises his brows at the redhead who was in denial.

"she sees you as her mother, nat. just accept it," wanda tells her, taking a sip from her glass. "really? name me one time she showed it." nat challenges them, not knowing that they've been watching your interactions with her for the longest time.

"you have no idea what you just got yourself into, romanoff," clint chuckles, cracking his neck and knuckles as if preparing for a fight.

"remember new mexico?" he smirks and nat only frowns, trying to remember.

i.

"no!" you screamed, dropping down to the ground. you didn't care that you scraped your knees doing that, the only thing that mattered was the overwhelming feeling of grief engulfing your whole being. tears streamed down your face as you looked at the debris on the ground, the remainder of what used to be standing in front of you; a building. blown up, now in ruins.

clint, bucky and steve watched you break down in front of them, their hearts breaking at the sight in front of them as well as the fact that their teammate had been caught up in the middle of the explosion.

"y/n/n? come on, tony's team called for back up. we gotta go," steve tried to get you to stand up, failing when you kept your ground. you screamed when he tried again and their hearts clenched at the heartbreaking sound.

"we can't just leave her! please, we have to find her," you cried, clinging onto steve's body as he ran his hand up and down your suit-cladded back to soothe you. "y/n/n, we can't. the whole place is in ruins now," he didn't want to say it but he had to. he had to in order to get you to leave. "she's gone."

"she can't be gone! she can't just leave us! we need her! i need her, stevie.." you cried into his chest and he had to control himself so he didn't cry right then and there too.

he looked up to see bucky looking at the two of you guiltily, tapping his wrist to indicate that they were running out of time. steve had no choice but to carry you in his arms, getting you to leave the site against your will. but you were too weak to fight back now. "what am i gonna do without her now, stevie?" you asked quietly.

"we're gonna be okay, y/n/n," he tells you, sitting you down on a chair and settling down next to you as clint flew the jet to your next location. the atmosphere was tense and you could tell everyone, too, was sad about this.

"what if we're not? what if we're not gonna be okay, stevie? i know i won't be." you wiped the tears streaming down your face despite the fact that your face still wasn't drying up any time soon.

"because nat wouldn't want to see us like this. she'll be angry if she sees that we're risking people's lives just because of her." he says truthfully.

"we're landing, guys." clint announces and the team prepared for another round of fighting. steve turns to you, wiping the tears on your face as he made you look up at him. "now let's save some people and make nat proud, yeah?"

you nod at him sadly, preparing your weapons. all of you got out the jet and the second battle of the day begun. boy, were these people unlucky because they were on the receiving end of your fury.

you were busy taking down a group of guards alone when you heard a familiar voice. "y/n, behind you!" and you turned just in time to take down a guard who was aiming at you.

you didn't even have time to register your shock of seeing the redhead because more guards came at you two. you guys fought alongside each other until all the men were taken down.

"nat?" you breathed out. "yes, bub?" she answers as you both carefully walked over the knocked out men. she was taken aback when you slammed into her, hugging her the tightest you ever did since you met her.

"please don't ever do that again." you mumbled into her chest. she was about to ask you what you meant when she heard you sniffling. figuring out it wasn't the appropriate moment to ask, she continued to just hug and comfort you in silence.

"wait, that was why she cried that day? because she thought i was in that building when it blew up?" nat asks after steve finished the story. "i never found out why because she never told me."

"yeah, you should've seen her when the building exploded. completely shattered my heart, dude." clint states, remembering the broken down state you were in that day.

"wait, did you guys not grief over my supposed death then?" nat glares at clint, bucky and steve. "in our defense, they were about to blow up about a hundred people, we didn't have much time to process the whole situation." clint tries to convince his best friend, only to receive a glare again from her.

"alright but just because she cried when she thought i was dead, doesn't mean she sees me as her mum. i'd cry too if any one of you guys died," she states, still in denial.

she did love you like how a mother would love her child. but she didn't want you to feel that she was forcing the title onto you. after all, you had so many other adults around you, who's to say that you saw someone else as a parent figure instead of her? she didn't want to make you uncomfortable.

"woman, are you serious?" sam exclaims, throwing his hands up in the air dramatically. "need i remind you that the girl sacrificed her life for you?"

ii.

"nat, watch out!" you stood right behind her where the man was about to attack her. you gave him a harsh kick to the head and that was all it took for the man to go unconscious.

the redhead turned around, not having enough time to comprehend what had happened before you dropped into her arms. you two were lucky the last of the men had already been taken out.

"bub? what's wrong?"

at this point, you were fully leaning against her. she was holding up your whole weight, hands wrapped around your middle to support you. that was when she felt it. the familiar thick substance on her fingers, leaking from the back of your suit.

her eyes widened, pulling one hand away from you to look at it. red. her breathing picked up as one of her hands felt around your back, finally feeling the handle of a knife sticking out from your back.

your eyes were already drooping by now and she lightly shook you awake, careful to not hurt you. she lowered you down and you were both sat on the floor now.

she presses a finger to her ear and you could hear her voice echo in your ear from your own comms. "can someone come please," she paused, exhaling shakily. "y/n's down."

if it had been any other person, she probably would be bringing them to the jet by now but it was you. she didn't know what came over her but when she saw that you were injured, it was like her whole body shut down. her knees felt weak and she couldn't bring herself to move.

"hey, hey, keep your eyes open. can you do that?" she asked gently and you nodded weakly. "bub, why did you do that?" she cried softly, moving your hair away from your face as you leaned sideways against her. the action caused your face to be smudged by your own blood from her hands but she didn't care as she caressed your cheek.

"he–he was gonna hurt you. i–i couldn't..." you paused a while, the pain getting too much for you to bear. "y/n, don't strain yourself. you need to stay awake," she tells you as tears streamed down her face.

"rather me than you," you whispered. nat's eyes widened at this. "don't say that, bub." she scolds gently.

you smiled weakly at her. "i've grown too dependent on you, nat. it's to the point that i," you coughed and nat worried that you were straining yourself but you continued. "that i'd rather die than live without you. you probably can go on with life without me but i can't without you. i need you, nat." your eyes closed and nat panics, shaking your body.

"y/n?! bub?! stay awake, please, they're coming!" nat cries out loud, holding onto your limp body.

"did we not agree to not mention that to me anymore?" nat glares at sam for bringing that up.

the night of that incident had been one of the worst nights for nat. she sat by your bed all night after you had been treated. she had been the first one you saw after you woke up. she had been the one you broke down in front of after you admitted the full reasoning behind your actions. she had been the one who opened her arms for you to make yourself at home in.

"i'm sorry but you must be blind if you can't see how really she sees you for the past years," bucky states. nat turns to him with a glare. "you don't know what you're talking about."

"oh really? who does she call whenever she has a really bad nightmare?" bucky questions rhetorically with his eyebrows raised.

iii.

"no, please, don't!" you begged, asleep and thrashing around in your bed. quiet whimpers turned into heavy breathing as you plead for your life in your nightmare. "please," you whispered, inhaling and exhaling harshly.

FRIDAY, noticing the amount of distress you were in, alerted the closest person to your room, that being bucky who was returning from a late night trip to the kitchen for some water.

he quickly went into your room, only to see you shivering and thrashing around in your bed. "doll?" he approaches slowly, finding you still asleep, though sweating a lot. nightmare, he realised.

"doll? wake up," he gently shakes you and you immediately jolt awake, breathing heavily as you register what was going on. "it's okay, it was just a nightmare," he soothes you, holding you close as one hand rubbed up and down your back while the other held your head to his chest.

none of that helped as you were still in the same state as you were when you woke up. "are you okay?" he asks, worried. "nat... i need nat.. please i need her," you whimpered, shaking in his hold. you were having trouble breathing.

"FRIDAY, get romanoff."

within minutes, nat arrived, looking panicked and disheveled like she had just woken up, which she just did. "what's wrong?" she asks bucky, approaching you two.

"she was having a nightmare and woke up and i think she's having a panic attack. she asked for you," he informs her and immediately moves away when she approaches, so that she could take his place.

"bub? it's me," you look up to meet natasha's pretty green eyes. "you're okay, bub. can you tell me five thing you can see?"

you looked away from her eyes, looking around your room. "i–i see my book on my nightstand, my lamp, my jacket on the chair, my laptop and the painting on the wall." you told her after some difficulties.

"good, that's good. four things you can feel?"

"i feel the socks on my feet, my fluffy blanket, the pillow i'm leaning on and your hands around me."

she smiles softly at you. "three things you can hear?"

"i hear your voice. a–and the faint noise from the ac and i can also hear bucky's breathing." you look up at the man and he smiles sheepishly at you, standing around awkwardly. you gave him a small smile back.

"two things you can smell?"

"i can smell my own shampoo..and my room's air freshener." you told her more calmly now, feeling the panic attack already going away.

"one thing you want to taste?"

"i wanna taste wanda's blueberry pancakes." you pout and the two adults couldn't help but chuckle. "you can have them in the morning. right now you need to sleep so you can have the energy to devour them tomorrow, okay?" you nod at the woman as she tucks you in.

not long after, you fell asleep. she then presses a kiss to your forehead before leaving with a less worried bucky now. and sure enough, the next morning, wanda made you blueberry pancakes.

"okay, so what? we all need someone to help us through panic attacks?" nat rolls her eyes. "did you miss the part where i came in and tried to help but she specifically asked for you? she needed you, nat."

"guys, i... i love her with my whole heart but she has all of us. i don't wanna make her feel like she's restricted to only one of us. you all love her too," nat reasons.

"yes but she doesn't have anyone to call her mum and frankly, i think you'd be perfect for it." wanda encourages the older woman.

"i—" before she could continue, her phone rang loudly and she thanked whoever it was that called her because now she didn't have to make up excuses about her doubt of becoming your official mother.

iv.

she looks down at the caller id, sighing when it was you, meaning the team had more against her now. of course she didn't mind you calling her, you could call her when she'd be asleep after a mission and she'd still pick up with a smile on her face. but it was the fact that the whole team could see how she softened when she realised it was you who called that bothered her. she really didn't want them to let her have hopes that you'd accept her as your mother.

"bub?" she said into the phone and half the team smirked at her while the other half gave her knowing smiles. "aren't you supposed to be on your way to school?"

"yeah but uh are you busy right now? i um, i need you."

nat immediately stands up, worry etched onto her face and the team frowned at this. "what happened? are you okay?"

"you know how i told happy i wanted to walk to school today? yeah, i just remembered why i don't walk to school anymore."

"what do you mean? what happened? are you hurt? did someone hurt you?" she bombards you with questions out of worry. at this point, the team had also stopped their chatter and teasing looks, equally worried for your well-being.

"yeah, i am. wait, maybe not. i mean, i was just being dramatic but uh, i tripped on who-knows-what and now i have a sprained ankle. i can't walk now so i'm standing in an alley right now so i'm not in the way of people. can you come get me?"

nat sighs in relief, thankful that it wasn't anything that she was thinking of. "you are unbelievable, y/n." she chuckles in disbelief at your clumsiness. "can you tell me where you are? i'll come get you now. i'll have the school know you're not coming today." you told her your location and she immediately leaves after telling the team what happened to you.

you were expecting nat to call again, to tell you she was around the corner but instead you heard a whoosh of air beside your head, followed by a crack sound. your head followed the sound, eyes widening when you saw that a dart had struck the wall beside your head. you looked ahead, trying to see where that came from.

if it hadn't been for your fast reflexes being an avenger for the past few years, you probably wouldn't have ducked in time when another dart came flying right for your head. "what the hell?" you grunted, staying low but still looking around for the source. you squinted when you looked up, the sun blazing but you managed to catch a glimpse of a man on a rooftop nearby. he had blonde hair and was dressed in all black, donning a same coloured mask that covered the bottom half of his face.

"you had one job! how could you miss her twice?!" the blonde hears his colleague hiss in his ear through the earpiece. "i'm sorry! i'm no hawkeye, how was i supposed to get her in one try?!" he scolds back.

"you didn't even get her in two!"

"shut up and just let me work! you're distracting me!"

"hurry because i see the redheaded one nearing the alley. boss'll kill us if he finds out we didn't get her in her vulnerable state."

"i'm trying, i'm trying!" the blonde closes one eye, his sight now locked on your crouched state. he saw you move once you saw him and he cursed under his breath, his weapon following your movements. "she's moving!"

"just take the shot and be done with it! you have to go now!"

and shoot he did. after he shot the dart gun, he immediately fled but it wasn't like you were going to be able to chase him down or anything. a scream left your lips as a dart pierced through your skin, right under your shoulder.

you dropped down to the ground, right in the middle of the alleyway. you cried when you felt the burn in your flesh. you had been stabbed multiple times before with much bigger objects so why did this feel different?

"y/n?! is that you?!" you heard nat's voice yell from a small distance away. "i'm here," you croaked out, feeling your body grow weaker at an alarming rate.

"oh my god, bub, why are you on the ground? it's dirty, c'mon let's get you up. which foot did you sprain?" she places both her hands under your arms, pulling you up on your feet before accidentally dropping you back when you let out a shriek, crying out in pain.

"oh my god, did i hit your ankle? are you okay?" nat assumed that your tear-stained face was because of your sprained ankle but then you wheezed, your eyes drooping the longer she stood there.

your right hand slowly reached across your left shoulder, the butt of the dart sticking out of your skin now in between your shaking fingers. nat's eyes followed your hand movement's, a gasp leaving her lips.

"y/n, what happened?!" she panicked but before she could even get an answer from you, you had already blacked out. her eyes widened, knowing it was the dart because why else would you pass out that quick from a simple penetration in the shoulder. you had dealt with much worse than that and she knew your tolerance level.

she took off your bag, careful to not move the dart. she then placed her hands under your knees and behind your back, easily picking your unconscious body up and rushing back to the tower.

when she arrived, she was met with many confused yet concerned looks from the tower staff, seeing the black widow, rushing in with the youngest avenger unconscious in her arms. they had seen you leave the tower for school about half an hour ago so they knew something must've happened on the way.

"get bruce in the hospital wing. tell him it's urgent." she tells the woman working the front desk, hurrying into the elevator and telling FRIDAY to get her to the floor she so desperately wanted to arrive at quicker. black lines appeared on the left side of your neck, slowly spreading to the right side and she assumed it was from that damned dart in your left shoulder.

"natasha! what's wrong? they said it was an emergency," the doctor spoke in a panicked voice when nat entered, immediately going quiet when he saw you in her arms, neck lined with seemingly black veins.

nat laid you down on the surgery table, frown growing when black lines steadily spread to your arms now. though she was too worried to think, she managed to at least tell bruce what was outwardly wrong with you.

"dart. left shoulder." she blurted, incapable of forming proper sentences now that she had seen more of you. the black lining your skin got her speechless and anxious. bruce got ready with medical gloves, removing the dart from your flesh before analysing the pattern of your skin. it looked familiar.

"FRIDAY, get tony down here. it's urgent."

"bruce, please, what's wrong with her?" she cried, tears now freely streaming down her face. she didn't cry much in front of anyone but when it came to you, you always managed to get her to do just that.

"hey, what's going on? FRIDAY said there was an emergency here, who's hurt?" nat heard tony's panicked voice but she didn't make an effort to reply. her gaze was fixed on only you.

tony's jaw dropped, frowning when he saw you on the bed, upper body covered in black lines. "what the hell happened?!"

tony stepped beside bruce, taking a closer look at your skin. his frown deepened. "wait, it looks like.."

"yeah, looks exactly like when you had palladium instead of vibranium in your arc reactor."

"does that mean—"

"palladium's been running through her veins for about twenty minutes now. FRIDAY, how high is her blood toxicity level?" bruce asks, sampling a drop of your blood from when he took out the dart.

"53% and it is still steadily increasing."

"tony, at the rate it's going, if she's not treated in the next fifteen minutes or so, she'll.." bruce pauses, not wanting to say it out loud.

"no, she just needs lithium dioxide. that's how fury and i cured your palladium poisoning, tony." nat finally speaks.

"SHIELD probably has them but they're all the way in dc. they're not gonna reach here in time," tony states solemnly, reaching over to move your hair out of your face, looking down at you sadly.

but he was immediately pulled aside, nat grabbing his collar and looking him straight in the eyes. "you have your stupid iron suits that can probably travel faster than the speed of sound if you try. you can go down there yourself and get the damn thing. i swear to god, tony, i'm literally going to destroy those stupid suits myself if you don't put them to good use." nat threatens, glaring at the billionaire.

tony's eyes widened, the genius having not thought about nat's idea yet. "yeah, yeah, you're right, i'll go now."

he left immediately and nat approached your bed hesitantly, not wanting to see the black lines making home on the skin on your upper body. "do you think tony'll make it back in time?" she sniffles and bruce's worried frown on his face softened. "of course he will. he won't let anything happen to y/n. we won't let anything happen to y/n." he assured her.

there was nothing they could do now but wait for tony to come back with the lithium dioxide. nat sat beside your bed, hands gingerly grasping one of your own. despite the black staining it, nat held it to her face and her tears rolled past the back of your hand.

bruce decided to give her some privacy, opting to inform the whole team of the situation instead of standing around idly.

nat pulled your hand away from her face, rubbing her thumb over the back of it, crying even more at the sight in front of her. "y/n, please. i've never told you this but i need you." she pauses, breathing in shakily. "i've always needed you and i'll always need you. you can't leave me, please. you said i could go on with life without you but you're so wrong, y/n. you're the reason i'm still here and you're the reason i still want to be here. if you're not here then it's as if i have no reason, no purpose. i need you, y/n. so much more than i'd like to admit. heck, probably much more than you need me. so please, don't leave me. i can't do this without you." nat sobs out, watching the patterns on your skin spreading and growing bolder.

at this point, the whole team had now gathered outside of the room, watching nat cry over you. they wanted so bad to get a closer look at their beloved baby avenger but they respected nat and instead, waited for her to finish talking to you. once she stood up and looked around, bruce knew she was done so he entered, followed by the team.

"status, FRIDAY?" bruce asks, sampling a bit of your blood again. "blood toxicity at 96% now."

the team looked your unconscious body in apprehension, some crying and some worried out of their minds.

"goddamnit! where the hell is stark?!" nat growled. her eyes were now puffy after having spent the last half an hour crying. the team had never seen her lose her cool like this but they figured why.

as if on cue, tony's iron man suit crashed through the windows of the room but he couldn't care less. his main priority was to get to you quickly. in his hand was a silver briefcase that he passed to bruce.

bruce opened the case before wasting no time in plunging the syringe containing lithium dioxide, your supposed cure, into you. immediately, the black patterns on your skin started disappearing. it was slow but noticeable. it started from the tips of your fingers, going up towards your neck.

everyone sighed in relief, and to tony's surprise, nat hugged him tightly. "thank you. you have no idea how much this means to me." she whispers. tony pats her back gently. "hey, i care about her too, okay? of course i'd do this for her. any one of us would."

nat smiles at him when she let him go, turning back to you and almost crying out in joy when your skin had finally turned back to normal. she let the medical assistants set your bed up and handle your sprained ankle before going back to sit by you. the team left her alone with you once again.

it was only about an hour later did you wake up, squinting when bright lights shone down on you. you moved around but you felt hands around your left and you heard a familiar voice.

"and remember when you dragged wanda to pull that prank on me with you and after you did, i grounded you like i was your mum or something?" you hear her chuckle, still not noticing that you've woken up.

"i didn't mind, though. frankly, i don't think i would ever mind if you continued acting like my mother or something," you spoke and she immediately tore her gaze from your hands, looking at you, now wide awake.

"bub!" she hugs you so tightly you didn't think you could breathe. you still returned the hug though, laughing. "i was worried you might still have some palladium in your bloodstream."

"wait, palladium?" you asked her in shock. "yeah, the dart that got you in that alley, it contained palladium. it's highly toxic so we used lithium dioxide to counter it. speaking of the dart, i'm going to find out who did this to you and they're never going to see the light of day for putting us through all of this." nat says, disturbingly calm.

"yeah...you do that," you tell her, slightly scared. "but palladium? in my blood? how cool is that? i had literal metal in my blood! i could've become like tony but like...palladium woman or something." you said excitedly.

"you do know we already have metal in our blood, right bub?" nat questions in amusement. "oh." you say dumbly. "and palladium don't belong in our body and you literally almost died because of it." your mouth opened but no words came out.

"speaking of, can you please not do that again? i really thought i was gonna lose you." she whispers, stroking your hair. "oh yeah, of course. i'll just announce to the whole world to not target the youngest avenger," you joke, smile dropping when nat gave you a stern look.

"nat, being part of the avengers at my age undoubtedly means i'll be a target for the bad people out there, but i don't care because while i get to kick ass, i know all of you have my back when it's my ass that's kicked. and i think that's the best part of being an avenger; the sense of security i get having you amazing people as my teammates." you tell her honestly and she smiles softly.

"oh come here you," she pulls you in for another hug but this time it's better because you could still breathe. you make yourself comfortable, snuggling into her.

"did you mean it?" she asked and you look up at her in confusion. "mean what?"

"when you said you wouldn't mind me acting like your mother."

"of course i do, you're like the mother i never had. i wouldn't even mind you being my actual mother." you say without a second thought, eyes widening when you realised what you had said. you swore under your breath, knowing you've just made it awkward between you two.

"i– really?" despite the teams efforts to make her see the truth, it was much more meaningful when she heard you say it yourself. "y–yeah.." you admit sheepishly.

"then you wouldn't mind if i actually adopted you?" she asks carefully, gauging your reaction. your jaw dropped, eyes going wide once again. "are you serious?!"

"yeah." she smiles at you fondly. "no! of course i won't mind!" you hug her tightly, tears forming in your eyes. you had gone all your life without parents so this was a huge thing for you. not only were you going to finally have a mother, but the most amazing woman you knew was going to be your mother.

"mum?" you tested the title, smiling when she acknowledged it. you were now crying in joy.

"hey, don't cry." she soothes you, running a hand up and down your back. "no, no, i'm just so happy. this is the best day of my life." you tell her. "me too, bub."

you stayed in her arms until you fell back asleep, nat tucking you in before going back to sit down on the chair. she looked down at you fondly.

sure, she was scared of the big step she was about to take with you but she had you with her and she knew that was enough. "i love you, y/n." she whispers, planting a kiss on the side of your head.

taglist <3

@amourtentiaa @rqmanoff @abitofeverythinggg @andreasworlsboring101 @cay-writes-fan-fiction514 @teenwonder @sevenmorningstars @fleurlovesbucky

[mythiccheroacademia]

—lunch box

A/N: just another cute idea i had because i’m obsessed with barbarian/dragon king!bakugo and fantasy shit in general. some context: you and bakugo are betrothed—although, sometimes you wish you weren’t bc he can be a real asshole. luckily for you, he’s willing to work on it bc he likes loves you just that much. a litte angst (it wouldn’t be a mtha story without it) but it ends in fluff <3

Warnings: cursing

Your friends looked at their food with heart eyes and dug into the neatly wrapped box with fever.

“Ahh! Thank you for making this, Y/N!” one of them exclaimed. The other could only nod in agreement, too into your cooking to speak.

You smiled and waved them off. “It was nothing. Consider it a thank you for letting me copy the homework last night,” you chuckled.

“Did you cook one for Prince Bakugo? I’d imagine he’d love it! If there’s anyone’s cooking he loves more than his own, it’s yours!”

At the mention of his name, your expression fell. You looked down at the case of food you had prepared for him as an apology.

Four days ago, you two were hanging around his residence. You managed to get him to dance around with you. Well, it more like you were dancing and he was doing his best not to combust in embarrassment. Katsuki warned you that you shouldn’t be too reckless otherwise you’d break something.

Of course, you paid him no mind, too enthralled with your fun to notice your proximity to a nearby statue—one of the Bakugo family’s treasures.

One thing led to another, and you knocked it over, shattering it before either of you could even react. Your rich skin lost its glow and your boyfriend cursed something nasty.

Least to say, his parents were not happy. But instead of being rightfully scolded, Bakugo had taken the blame for it.

They found him attempting to clean it up and assumed it was his fault. You wanted to correct them, but he threw you a nasty glare, sealing your mouth shut. He was now under punishment until they deemed fit and from then on, he hadn't spoken a friendly word to you.

A little sigh escaped your lips. Your two friends looked at each other before offering you encouraging smiles.

“Hey,” one spoke, placing a hand on your knee. You met her gaze. “You should go give it to him. He’d love it.”

There was a moment of silence before you decided to act. Taking the spur of confidence, you stood up and briskly made your way to the other classroom. Just before you entered, you heard his voice and felt your heart waver with anxiousness.

However, now wasn’t the time to let doubt consume you. Things wouldn’t get better until something was done.

You took a deep breath, calming your nerves, before opening the door and walking in. Your eyes scanned the room and found the young dragon prince amongst his group of friends.

Jaw set, you walked over to them, hands firmly around the packaged food.

Kirishima saw you first and gave you a friendly wave.

“Hey Princess L/N!”

“Hi boys! How’re ya doing?” you politely asked, putting on your best smile.

They gave you an upbeat answer that lifted your spirits.

Despite that, you hadn't heard a response from Bakugo. In fact, he hadn't even looked at you—but you wouldn’t be disheartened. You fueled herself with faux confidence and held out the dish to your betrothed.

“I-I made you something small yesterday, as an apology,” you stuttered.

Katsuki finally looked up, indifference in his stare. Ruby eyes flickered down to the box filled with rice, chicken, vegetables, and a small pastry on the side. His favorite kind. For a moment, he seemed like considered your offer, but you suffered the low blow of humiliation when he turned away to look through the window.

“Thanks, but I’ve already eaten. Should’ve given it to me earlier.”

Something in your stomach fell. Crushing rejection blossomed up your throat with each passing second. His words were cold, harsh, and unforgiving. It might’ve been stupid, overdramatic even, but it hurt.

Heartbroken wasn’t even the word.

Your nose burned, eyes blurring before you could stop it. Your chest tightened with embarrassment. Luckily, you mustered enough strength to hold in whatever was threatening to crumble you.

“Oh,” you dumbly responded.

“I’ll take it!” Kaminari excitedly said.

“No, I will! I’m still starving!” Kirishima chided.

You placed the box down, struggling to keep up your act.

“Split it between the both of you. I hope it’s good!” You internally winced over how high your voice had become. “I’m gonna to get going now. I’ll see you guys after school, yeah?”

And before anything else was said, you bolted straight out of the room. You hadn’t bothered to look at Katsuki. Knowing him, he probably hadn't noticed the strain in your voice.

As soon as you were out of sight, the tears flooded. You held your hands against your mouth, desperate to muffle your cries. You quickly took you into the nearest bathroom and you prayed no one had seen you lest there be questions. If you went to your friends, it’d cause a commotion. Your parents would eventually find out and you didn’t want any more problems.

So, you cried your eyes raw and eventually willed yourself to stop when it was time to return to class.

…

The week had gone by without another interaction. The weekend brought you some relief since you wouldn’t be forced to see Katsuki’s face for the time being. Or so you thought.

All you wanted to do was run some errands for your parents and then go back home and continue sulking. Yet the universe would not let you rest.

The moment you caught Bakugo’s eyes, you pivoted on your heel and booked it the other way. You assumed his anger with you would force him to keep his distance.

But you were thoroughly surprised to find he was following after you.

“Y/N,” he called.

Irritation and hurt filled your chest. You only walked faster, clutching the purse against her chest.

“Y/N, stop,” he demanded to which you promptly ignored.

This went on for a good thirty seconds until Bakugo decided he had enough. Without much noise, he ran up to you, grabbing you by the shoulder.

You weren’t having it.

You harshly shrugged off his hand. “Don’t touch me,” you snapped, keeping your eyes forward.

“I need to talk to you,” Katsuki grumbled.

“Well I don’t want to talk to you. So maybe some other time.”

Truthfully, the crowned prince found himself shocked at your coldness. Despite your innate boldness, he wasn’t used to such an icy tone. Especially directed at him.

His father warned him to never attack in these situations, but Bakugo let his temper get the best of him. His first reaction was to frown and deal back harsher words.

“What’s your fucking problem, dumbass? When I say stop, stop!”

A spike of anger flooded your veins. You whirled around on your heel and glared at him with frosty eyes. You felt compelled to drop your papers and slap him, but instead, you settled for a finger in his face.

“First of all, I’m not some dog you can just order around, you jerk! And just because we’re betrothed doesn’t mean I’m some girl you can treat like dirt whenever you feel like it! Until you apologize, leave me alone because my only problem right now is you. Bye.”

And just as quickly as you came, you turned to leave.

Now Bakugo was actually stunned. Forget, cold, this was a side of you he hadn't ever experienced. Admittedly, he hadn’t been spoken to like that from anyone besides his mother—and she only got away with it because she was not only the queen…but he was his mom.

Katsuki honestly didn’t know how to handle it. It was only then that he concentrated back on his father’s advice. Whenever his mother was upset with his dad, his father would fight back, but never with emotional anger. Always with humbleness and an understanding tongue.

It usually did the trick considering his mother could never stay upset with him for more than a night. It always struck the teen with hidden awe. Sometimes, Katsuki thought his dad was an angel.

Bakugo was no angel, but he hoped it’d have the same affect on you.

The blonde teen softened his face and walked up behind you. He stopped you, wrapping his arms around your waist to lie his forehead against the decorated braids the fell down your back.

“Damn it. I’m sorry okay?” he lowly said, face burning from such a public display of affection. “Just hear me out.”

You didn’t speak and he clenched his jaw.

“Please.”

You inwardly cursed your rapidly beating heart. If it weren’t for how stupidly nice being in his arms was (he was definitely working out more), and the fact that you found him kinda cute begging for your permission, maybe you wouldn’t have caved in so easily.

For now, you’d blame it on the fact that you two were destined to wed. It was better to start dealing with fights now so, hopefully, the future held less of them.

You heaved a sigh, unwillingly ignoring your body’s urge to curl in his arms. Instead, you pulled away and turned to face him. You peered into unsure crimson eyes with as much harshness you could conjure.

“Fine. Speak,” you permitted.

There was a small pause as he gathered his thoughts. When he opened his mouth, you instantly regretted it.

“I’m still mad at you for being dumb and breaking one of family’s treasures. And I’m still fucking pissed that my old hag is on my ass about it,” he started and noticed how your eyes narrowed in contempt.

You were about to turn away, thinking this was a waste of time. However, Bakugo took a hold of your wrist before you could leave.

“Leave me alone! If you didn’t want to get in trouble, you should’ve just let me take the blame. I can't believe I thought you’d apologize—“

“Let me finish, princess.”

It was your title, yet you felt your stomach flip when it came from his lips. You refused to let it influence you…but you’d give him another chance.

Bakugo stepped closer to you. “I’m upset, but I took the punishment because I wanted to. You didn’t mean to break it. Accidents happen, I understand that.”

There was a pregnant pause. Then, you softened your gaze a bit, eyes still lit with inquiry. “Why? Why would you do that if it meant getting in trouble? I could’ve taken the blame just fine.”

“Y/N, you freak the fuck out whenever you don’t get a perfect score on an exam. You try not to mess up and when you do, it’s like the world is ending,” he explained with a teasing smirk. You ungracefully snorted. He had a point. “When you broke the vase, I could hear your heart drop. You were two seconds away from crying. And when I saw how scared you looked I just—I don’t know.”

The look on your face was something between shock, surprise, and wonder. You blinked, thick lips parting slightly in awe.

“Katsuki…” you breathed to which the boy heavily blushed. Realizing how sappy he sounded, his mind screamed at him to cut it out.

Bakugo looked down and noticed he was still holding your wrist. He quickly let go and instinctively rubbed the nape of his neck.

“D-don’t be dramatic. I just didn’t wanna see you moping around or some shit. My father said that it wasn’t that important anyway…the vase I mean,” he mumbled.

Sure it wasn’t, you thought. What were you gonna do with this boy?

You supposed an apology was a good start.

“That was very nice and admirable of you Katsuki. Thank you,” you eventually said. “I’m still really sorry about the vase, and for being mean to you just now.”

He shook his head. “I know, but I’m the one that should be apologizing. I ain’t hafta treat you the way I did. I was being an ass for not accepting the food you made for me earlier.”

“Yeah you were, ya bastard.”

He chuckled at that. “The two idiots wouldn’t stop raving over how good it was.”

“Well, I had the best teacher in the kingdom,” you grinned.

“And I had an even better student,” he winked.

Your smile widened. Maybe marrying him wouldn’t be so bad.

You couldn’t help yourself when you heartily embraced him, enjoying how his arms slowly slithered around the small of your back. Your eyes met and you kissed him on the lips, leaving him with a little gasp. You pulled away and giggled under your breath.

“You know, you're a sweet guy underneath all that false bravado.”

“False brav—what the hell are you going on about!?”

Ignoring his explosive behavior, you readjusted the straps on your shoulder before turning on your heel.

“Don’t bring anything for lunch on Monday, okay? I’ll see you later, blondie.”

Despite his little tantrum, Bakugo still watched you disappear into the store with a gentle expression. You gave him more headaches than he cared for, but you were worth it. Besides, he was sure you could say the same for him.

Bakugo turned to leave and passed his fingertips over where your lips touched his own.

He’d never admit to the giddiness in his chest. He’d take that shit to the grave.

[dont-call-me-baby-posts]

no bc thats what i was thinking! like harry writing matilda like for anders but he probably doesnt really believe that but anders would 100% feel it

“I need a fucking cigarette.”

It was Anders speaking, his voice echoing through the space around them. His words fell onto the pillows of lush trees surrounding them, his eyes squinting as a slit in the foliage allowed the sun to shine right onto his face. Harry looked over his shoulder at him, a smirk across his face that was covered in its own thin sheen of sweat. He thought to himself, looking at Anders in the flashes of light that snuck through the trees, that his friend looked really healthy today. And happy, too, despite the exaggerated grimace on his face.

“You don’t smoke.” Harry said plainly, “Y’wanna stop here? I have a banana you can have-“

Anders, without a response, collapsed onto a fallen log just off the path while Harry stood a few feet away digging in his bag for said banana.

“Maybe I should start smoking.” Anders gasped, fanning the front of his shirt. “Must be good if so many people are doing it.”

“I think that’s an awful idea.” Harry responded, sitting beside his friend. “S’not good for the voice.”

“What are you a fucking doctor?”

“Just a good friend, actually.”

Anders was in no mood for joking, surprisingly. “A good friend would want me to be happy. Don’t you want that for me? You want me to be happy?”

Harry answered in the form of an eye roll, one that said “yes, I do”. He thrust the banana into Anders chest, forcing him to take it, his way of silently adding “and healthy, too”. Anders rolled his eyes back at him but peeled the fruit anyway. Harry smiled and gave Anders a little pat on the leg, his way of adding (silently, again) “I love you”.

“It was your idea to do this anyway.” Harry reminded him, feeling strangely lighthearted today despite Anders grumbling. Harry hadn’t felt so light on his feet for months, but there must have been something about the way the tale end of winter felt around him that made him feel slightly more human today. “You’re the one who said it would be good for you to get your mind off things.”

“Yeah, well, I was wrong.” Anders clipped, standing up. “Let’s get this over with.”

And so began their routine of hiking, stopping on the same fallen log, and eating bananas. They went as often as they were able too, Anders always forgetting he hated it until they were half way through. After a few times around the woods, however, he’d managed to stop complaining so much and just push through.

They’d walk, talk about life, throw rocks in the pond they passed after the big, ugly tree with the hole in the trunk. (Harry knew how to skip rocks like he’d been trained all his life to do it, which annoyed Anders to no end). Harry usually kept the conversation evenly spread across the dirt trail and never let it get too heavy, leaving as much space as he could for Andy to fill however he wanted too. Normally his friend chose to fill said space with stories about Chicago or a dramatic retelling of a movie he’d watched recently. Sometimes he didn’t fill the space at all.

But today, today Anders did want to talk. Or, he didn’t really want to, but he ended up talking anyway.

It was really an accident how it all came up. He’d said one thing and Harry, being the active listener he was, asked him a question which only lead them deeper and deeper and deeper until finally, on the edge of that pond they always stopped at, Anders found himself sharing things he’d never really said out loud before.

“And then my mom called me, which was a whole fuckin thing…” Anders was saying, the tips of his sneakers sinking into the wet ground at the edge of the water. “And now I’m feeling all bad about not going home yet. But, I don’t know… I just don’t really want to yet.”

This is when Harry cracked the glass that held everything inside so compactly. “Why don’t you want to go home?”

Loaded fucking question, Anders thought. He shrugged. “Me and my folks don’t really get along.”

“Because of the rehab thing?”

“Because I was born.” Anders corrected. Harry turned to look at him, but Anders made a point not to look back. Instead he found a particularly smooth looking stone, tossing it just how Harry had taught him to make it skim across the murky surface. It still sank.

“Thought you said you and your mom talked a lot while you were in rehab?” Harry asked him, crossing his arms over his chest. Anders let out a laugh as chilly as the breeze coming off the water.

“You do anything you can think of when you’re in rehab.” He said. “I genuinely thought she’d make me feel better, but I was wrong every time. But, you know.. Desperate times call for desperate measures.”

Harry furrowed his brow. “Is calling you mom really a desperate measure?”

Another cold chuckle. “You’d understand if you knew her.”

“And your dad?”

Anders thought for a moment. “He’s okay. Just don’t know him very well.”

Silence, aside from the water rippling. Stones breaking the tension of the surface. Bushes shuttering.

“I’m sorry.” Harry said, because he felt like he should. Anders looked at him like he’d been struck, totally thrown off and somewhat offended.

“Why?” He asked Harry, giggling awkwardly. “That’s just how parents are, you know?”

“No.” Harry shook his head. He looked at Anders tentatively before turning away again. “It’s not.”

“Well that's how mine are, anyway. You know my mom wasn’t even surprised when I called her the first time when I was in rehab? It was like she'd been expecting it.” He said it like he was setting up for a punchline, because he was. “Getting myself locked up in there was probably the only time I’ve ever met my parents expectations. I became what they always expected me to be.”

Anders tossed another rock, but he didn’t even try to get it to skip. He threw it hard and far with the intention of it sinking. He threw one more for good measure.

“And I know I should just… you know, fucking do it… But I can’t.” Anders stood up, brushing the dirt off of his shorts. He looked expectantly at Harry, waiting for him to stand too. Harry hesitated. “I don’t really need my parents to tell me how disappointed they are in me. I can feel it from here. I’ll go see them eventually, just not yet.”

Harry stood, squinting his eyes a bit, using his hand to block the sun from his eyes. “And who says you have to go see them?”

Anders let out a laugh, taking the first few steps further down the trail. “They’re my parents. I’m gonna have to see them eventually.”

Harry followed Anders’ footsteps, brain chugging along slowly as his feet did the same. He grabbed Anders’ hand, stopping him.

“You know you don’t have to go home, right?” He asked his friend, letting his hand drop Anders’ before it got weird. Harry shrugged, as if indifferent to what was coming out of his own mouth. “If they’re not good to you then why should you have to?”

Anders was confused. It was written all over his face, leaves above them casting shadows on the furrow of his brow as they shuttered in the wind.

“They’re my parents, Harry.” He half laughed, shaking his head. “I can’t just never see them again.”

“I’m not saying that.” Harry defended. He was all too aware of how his shoes were sinking into the mud under his heels, emphasizing how still they were being. “I’m just saying you shouldn’t feel guilty for taking your time. For taking care of yourself, you know.”

Anders felt an embarassed smirk flicker on his face, but for some reason he pushed it away. His therapist was telling him to let himself ‘feel things’ instead of making jokes, and he tried his best in this moment under the canopy of trees to do that. To feel it. So instead of making a joke he said:

“I do feel guilty. For everything.”

And he meant it. Harry knew he meant it, too. Even the grass knew he meant it. The wind did too, sending a breeze across the back of Anders’ neck as if in an attempt to comfort him.

“You do realize that it isn’t normal, right? The way they treated you?” Harry felt his throat burn with honesty. “Even before you went to rehab. I know I don’t know them and it’s not my business but from what you’ve told me… It just doesn’t sound right.”

“Then why did they do it?” Anders answered quickly. He felt the air collapse out of his lungs as he said it, the words reaching his brain too late. He didn’t know why he was asking Harry this, but for some reason it felt like Harry could help. He always knew the answers to everything. “You know, I used to watch, like, tv shows and shit and I’d think to myself… Is that what a family is supposed to be like? I thought it was just Hollywood bullshit.” Anders wanted to laugh, but didn’t. “And come to find out, it wasn’t. Turns out, parents are supposed to like you. Be nice to you and shit.”

Anders waited for Harry’s response, but it didn’t come. He just gave him that look he always gave him.

“I want to hate them but I can’t.” Anders said. “And I’ve gone back and forth because I feel like I should hate them. If they were as bad as everyone says then why don’t I hate them? If they were so awful why can’t I just let it go?”

“Because they’re your parents.” Harry said.

“Right.” Anders chuckled dryly. “Some Fuckin’ parents. They couldn’t give two singular fucks about me and yet I spend all of my time wondering what I did wrong to make them hate me so much.”

“You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“Must have.”

There was a splash behind them, some animal diving into the water. Anders could feel the ripples of the sound across the exposed skin of his arms and legs.

“I did everything right, Harry. I followed all of their rules. I went to fucking church in Sunday’s. I did everything they wanted me to.” Anders paused, sighing. “They don’t hate me because I’m an addict. I’m an addict because they hate me.”

“You don’t owe them anything, Andy. Nothing.” Harry said genuinely, crossing his arms. “You don’t have to keep searching for their approval. You can just… I don’t know. Just let it go.”

Anders nodded, chewing on his lower lip. He felt his chest burn a bit as he cooked up a response. “I want them to like me, Harry.”

“Well, I like you.” Harry said. He smiled to show he meant it. “I like you. And I’m proud of you. And I’m sorry that that happened to you, because you deserve to be taken care of. And to feel safe. They should’ve done that for you.”

Anders nodded, eyes a bit bleary. He believed what Harry said to him, but he struggled to take it to heart. If he accepted that fact that his parents didn’t do their job, that they didn’t give him the things he needed as a child, then what? It was easy to blame himself, to be angry at himself, to hate himself. But hating your parents was a totally different feeling. It was worse.

Without saying anything else, Harry wrapped his arms around Anders and gave him a firm squeeze. Suddenly all the jokes Anders had made about Harry and Y/N being his divorced parents seemed to make more sense. All this time Anders was just looking for someone to take care of him. To make him feel safe. To love him. He wanted to be cared for so badly he accepted it from anyone, from Jena who gave him almost as little attention as his parents did and Matt who provided for him in the form of buying him “the good weed”. He looked for it in all the girls he used to invite to his apartment. He looked for it in Christian, who swore he could help Anders. To take care of him.

The only people who had ever really cared about him were Harry and Y/N. Maybe that was why he tried so hard to fix them. To put them back together again.

And now, in the quiet of the woods, Anders thought about how Y/N had, technically, been the very first person to ever really love him. She loved him without conditions. Without making it seem like a chore. She loved him and he spent so many weeks and months pushing it away because he didn’t understand why it felt so different from the love he was used to. Even after she drove him to rehab, after she saved his life, after she spent nearly all her time looking out for him when no one else was… He still pushed her away. He felt guilty all over again that he was having this conversation with Harry and not her. He should’ve been telling her why he was fucked up like this. He owed her an explanation.

“I’m sorry.” Anders choked out, pulling himself away from Harry’s grip. He blinked hard a few times, looking up to see if he could see any clouds through the trees.

“You don’t have to be sorry.” Harry told him, giving his shoulder a little nudge. “Don’t have to be sorry.”

And they started walking again, talking a bit less this time. Anders thought more about his mom and dad, and about Y/N. He thought about little Anderson who tried so hard. He thought about teenage Anderson who cut his name in half and stopped sleeping at home. He thought about 23 year old Anders who finally had a family, even if it was cracked right down the middle. A family in pieces was better than nothing at all.

He thought about whether or not Y/N and Harry would ever work things out, feeling a bit selfish for hoping they would for his sake. It was hard splitting himself between them.

///

HarryStylesUpdates: HARRY SPOTTED LEAVING A HIKE WITH ANDERS TODAY IN LA!

HarryFan: OMG fit king

AndersFan23: where are the pictures of Anders? I’ve only seen pictures of Harry…

AndersGirl1: I know like is no one worried about him? He’s been MIA for months now?

Golden-Harry: he just got out of rehab

AndersFan23: we literally don’t know that though? Like that could be a rumor we probably shouldn’t speak for him..

Golden-Harry: yeah but why else would he have disappeared. Everyone knows he’s on drugs.

AndersFan23: He’s literally Harry’s best friend so maybe leave him alone thanks

KiwiThreeTimes: why are there no pictures of Anders?

HarryStan69: Funny how Harry hasn’t been spotted with YN for months now. Kind of funny tbh!

HarryFan3: it’s funny they broke up?? You’re weird for that

HarryStan69: they were never together so yeah it’s funny

HarryFan3: stay delusional

///

Lifetimes later, Anders was curled up in the Shangri-La Studio, half awake-half asleep while Harry fiddled with whatever the fuck he was doing.

“You’d think you’d be more excited to hear the new album I’m pouring my heart and soul into.” Harry mumbled, noticing Anders stirring. He sat up, rubbing at his eyes.

“Im stoked man.” Anders choked, clearing his throat. “HS3 at midnight, and all that.”

Harry chuckled, shaking his head. He turned to Anders in his rolly chair.

“You should just drop the date already and put everyone out of their misery.” Anders added, referring to the fans assumptions that HS3 would be out any day now when in reality it was still months away. Anders’ entire for you page on tik tok was full of theories and predictions about the album. (He was on Harry stan tik tok for some fucking reason, but he didn’t particularly mind that). He kept Harry filled in on the theories, despite Harry’s insistence that he didn’t want to know what people were saying.

“Can’t.” Harry said simply, taking a sip from Anders’ water bottle without asking like always. “I have, like, a whole thing planned.”

“A thing?”

“Yeah, like… There’s gonna be these doors, right?”

“Doors?”

“Yeah-“

“And how does this relate to the album?”

Harry scoffed, throwing his hands up. “Let me finish a fucking sentence and I’ll tell you. So there’s gonna be these doors, right?”

“Okay…”

Harry paused, rolling his eyes. “You know what. Forget it. You’ll see when the album comes out.”

Anders just giggled, putting his hands up in defeat. “That’s fine. I like the authentic fan experience. I’ll stay up to date on Tik Tok and all that.”

Harry rolled his eyes again but giggled softly. “You wanna hear a song?”

“Don’t I have to wait for the album?”

“Forget it.”

Anders sat up further. “Joking! Just joking!” He laughed. “Of course I want to hear it.”

Harry gave him a long look, trying to seem annoyed before spinning in his chair and pressing a few buttons. A guitar started playing.

“You were riding your bike to the sound of ‘Its No Big Deal’…”

“It’s pretty.” Anders said, laying himself back onto the couch and closing his eyes.

“Shh.” Harry’s scolded. “I want you to listen.”

So he did. He rested his hands on his chest and let the music lull him deeper into the cushions.

“You can throw a party full of everyone you love, and not invite your family...”

The wind was knocked out of him. His breathing stuttered for a second before he recovered. He kept his eyes closed, letting the song continue around him. He could feel Harry looking at him.

By the time the song finished, Anders had managed to wipe away most of his tears nonchalantly. He sat up, clearing his throat.

“So?” Harry asked, sounding more nervous than he usually did when he showed Anders a song he’d written. “What do you think?”

“It’s sick, bro.” Anders smiled tightly, nodding his head. “A lot of people are gonna like that one.”

It was quiet for a minute. Anders wondered if he looked like he’d been crying or if he had managed to get away with it.

“What about you?” Harry pressed further after a second. He looked kind of choked up, too, but maybe it was just the lighting. “Did you like it?”

“I loved it, man.” Anders said, standing to give Harry a hug. “I loved it.”

Harry accepted the affection, pulling away quickly before letting himself feel it too much. He cleared his throat.

“Do you remember that time, on that hike-“

“Yeah.” Anders cut him off, his throat closing a bit again. “Yeah, I do. Of course I do.”

“It’s not about that, or anything. But it’s…” Harry was embarassed for some reason, looking away. He brushed the tip of his nose. “I won’t put it out if you don’t want. It’s not about you or anything, but you know. I was just thinking about it.”

“You should put it out.” Anders was quick to say, shaking his head. “A lot of people are gonna like that one. It’s, uh… It’s really..” He stopped, chewing his lip before sighing. “It's gonna mean a lot, to whoever it’s about. And to the fans.”

Harry nodded, understanding. “I hope so.”

“It will, man.” Anders gave him another hug, kissing the side of his head and making Harry push him away with a giggle. “Trust me.”

Even if the song wasn’t about him like Harry kept saying, Harry was still right. Anders could start a family who loved him relentlessly, who would take care of him. And Anders had done that. He’d, after a lifetime of searching, found the people who gave him all the things he never had before. People who thought he was smart and kind and important and didn’t only like him because he was funny.

Truth be told, Anders hadn’t talked to his mom in months. He called his dad from time to time, and his dad had made an honest effort at putting together some of the pieces. Anders didn’t hate him anymore, not like he used to. After months of giving everything he had to fixing the whole fucked uo situation with his parents, he had slowly started accepting the fact that his mom would never be the person he needed her to be. And that was okay. Anders couldn’t change her just like she couldn’t change him. It hurt like a broken bone that never healed right, but he lived with it. And he didn’t feel guilty anymore that it didn’t work out. It wasn’t his fault.

He’d told his mom how he felt, not long after the last time he’d seen her. He’d called her and decided that if he was just honest, they could make it work. He poured his heart out to her, hours away in the same house she’d committed all her crimes against him.

And she didn’t want to hear it.

She said he was calling her a bad mother, that he was ungrateful, that he was projecting his own mistakes onto her.

“You can’t blame me because you decided to throw your life away, Anderson. Is this about that Jena girl?”

He didn’t have it in him to correct her, or tell her she was wrong. He didn’t tell her that she misunderstood him, because he knew at this point she was just choosing to misunderstand. So he told her he loved her and hung up, and they hadn’t spoken since.

So, yeah. Even if the song wasn’t about him, it still meant a lot. Probably more than Harry knew. And, when he thought about it, Anders couldn’t help getting choked up thinking about how many other people it would mean a lot to, too. All the other people out there who felt the way Anders had felt. Who were let down by the people they were supposed to trust. The people who continued on living their lives and getting older when it felt like they had so much behind them they were still holding on to.

Anders asked before he left that day to hear it one more time, and Harry agreed. He didn’t try to act tough this time and cried along to the choruses like it was the backing vocals to the track. He nodded his head silently and gave his friend another hug. His family. Someone who loved him.

As the song ended for a second time, Anders thought for a second that he could still feel his shoes sinking into the mud next to that log next to that lake he and Harry always used to walk beside. They hadn’t gone back to that trail for a long time, but Anders could still hear the rocks cutting through the surface of the water. He still couldn’t skip rocks after all this time, which made him chuckle to himself.

“What’s so funny?” Harry giggled softly. “It’s a serious song!”

“I know it is!” Anders chuckled again, wiping under his eyes. “I know it is. I was just thinking.”

“Bout what?”

“About how mad I used to be that you could skip rocks and I couldn’t.”

Harry smiled, looking almost a bit shy. He knew what Anders was thinking.

“We’ll keep practicing.” Harry said.

“Okay.” Anders said back.

And it was quiet again. Anders could still hear the way the trees would shush them along that trail. He heard the way the sticks would crack under his heels. He could still hear Harry’s voice, too, along the edge of that pond.

“You don’t have to be sorry.”

And for the first time in his life, he wasn’t. He was still growing up, but he wasn’t doing it on his own anymore. And he wasn’t sorry, either.

[lloydskywalkers]

Heyo! Hope your doing exceptionally well, wonderful and ur staying safe! I was reading ur little oneshots for the movie! Verse and instantly fell in love! Think u have anymore for Kai and Lloyd? (But u don’t need to listen to this, obviously hehe) Have a splendid day!

ahhH thank you, I hope you’re doing well too!! :D oh man it’s been so long since i’ve written something for movie-verse, but I’ve had this little snippet in my head for a while so I guess it’s as good a time as any (and it is, of course, about kai and lloyd bc when is it noT)

it’s a little different than what i usually write, for movie-verse? but i hope it fits the bill! (takes place pre-movie, btw)

Of all his friends, Lloyd thinks Kai is most like the sun. Not just for his codename, and the enthusiasm with which he brings fire to the team, metaphorically and far too often literally, but for how bright he is. Kai reminds Lloyd of the sun at full force, strong and blazing and staunchly refusing to let anyone hide from his warmth. An endlessly combusting ball of stubbornness and passion.

Kai also reminds Lloyd of the sun in the way that he possesses about the same amount of brain cells the sun does, which is zero, because the sun has no brain — much like Kai.

“Hey, ru—de, ow, stop—”

Kai’s petulant response strangles off in cracked pain as Lloyd hushes him, simultaneously pulling the alcohol-soaked cloth from his arm with a sympathetic wince.

“Sorry, sorry,” Lloyd murmurs, wringing the edge of the cloth. “But I’ve gotta — it’ll get infected, if you don’t—”

“Nah, s’okay,” Kai says, breath hissing out through clenched teeth. He gives Lloyd a wavering smile that could almost be encouraging, were he not bleeding over Lloyd’s faded bedspread. “Just caught me off guard, I’m good now. ‘Sides, the — the stitches are gonna be worse, so—”

“It won’t be that bad,” Lloyd promises him, cleaning the rest of the deep slashes that run across Kai’s arm as quickly as he can. The lower ones aren’t so bad — he could get away without stitches, maybe. It’s the uppermost one that scares Lloyd, cutting deep enough into Kai’s skin to pose a threat. And Lloyd has no intention of leaving Kai anywhere near in danger, especially with the reason he’s hurt in the first place.

Lloyd swallows against the thick lump that suddenly forms in his throat, trying to banish the flood of emotions that have been rising since the battle against his father’s forces earlier. Surprise, shock, gratitude—? A swirling maelstrom of a deep-seated kind of aching warmth Lloyd is utterly unfamiliar with. It leaves him off-kilter, and words don’t come easily as they usually do.

Not that words ever come easily to Lloyd, but normally he isn’t quite this stuttering. Maybe. He hopes not. Maybe he’s just hyperaware right now, after everything, and he always sounds this embarrassing.

“I promise,” Lloyd continues, yanking himself from his thoughts as he busies with the needle. “I’ve got a lot of experience, and I’ll be gentle.”

Kai watches Lloyd threading the needle with a thinly-veiled fear, but he nods, the bravado Lloyd’s more familiar with making its way across his face. “Nice,” he says. “I trust you, Dr. Lloyd.”

Lloyd’s hands falter with the needle for a moment, before he resumes sterilizing it, ducking his head. Kai sounds like he means it — Kai sounds like he means everything he says, but the way he says trust hits differently, for Lloyd.

They’ve only been a team for few months, now. Not very long at all, to form any kind of trust in the son of your greatest enemy. Lloyd’s been going to school with some of the same people since kindergarten, and they’ve never looked at him with anything kinder than hatred, much less trust. And yet Kai is here, offering him his bleeding arm in Lloyd’s tiny room, trusting him to repair the damage he only took because he was protecting Lloyd.

Lloyd doesn’t understand. He doesn’t — people don’t — but his team—

They listened to him. Actually listened to him, to Lloyd. They actually listen to him in general, have since they were all thrown together in this odd little grouping, but it hasn’t quite hit home in the way it did tonight, when he’d snapped orders at them in barely-restrained panic, Kai’s blood staining his fingers as he’d staunched the knife wounds meant for him.

They hadn’t flinched back at his raised voice. Lloyd never raises his voice — he’s learned to keep it quiet, soft, unassuming. Even the slightest slip of frustration is enough to send anyone around him murmuring in suspicion, eyes narrowing and hissed whispers of just like his father filling the air.

Lloyd’s voice had been sharp and strained, barking across the rooftop, and they’d listened. No one flinched back, no eyes widened in fear — they’d just listened. They’re still listening, carrying out Lloyd’s orders without question, and it’s — it’s dizzying, if Lloyd had to put a word to it.

Cole and Zane are taking care of clean-up — something Lloyd will have to thank them for later, profusely. Neither were particularly happy about letting Kai out of their sights, but Cole and Zane are better at keeping each other steady than anyone else. It was the right call, Lloyd knows it was. Hopes it was.

But Lloyd hasn’t been having much faith in his calls, tonight. Not after Kai went down.

He swallows, focusing on the sounds reverberating from behind his closed door. Nya and Jay are talking with his mother, Nya’s louder tones easier to hear as she laughs. Lloyd knows her well enough to catch the strain in it, but he knows it’ll fool his mother. They’re distraction — Lloyd’s house was closest, and he’s got the best supplies stashed there. No one questions why he’s the one with the fully stocked medical kit, but Lloyd suspects they’ve all drawn their own conclusions.

He wishes they’d believe him, when he says it’s because he’s worried for them. He grew up with Wu as his uncle, who picks fights on a daily basis — with Morro as his cousin, who picks fights on an hourly basis. Lloyd knows the importance of having the good kind of medical supplies.

He finishes prepping the needle, squeezing Kai’s wrist briefly in warning. Lloyd’s not usually a tactile person — not that anyone would let him be — but he knows Kai soaks up touch like a starved sponge, and Lloyd’s desperate to give any kind of comfort he can before he starts with the needle.

Kai swallows, fixing his eyes firmly on the faded glow-in-the-dark stars plastered across Lloyd’s ceiling.

“Okay,” he says, his voice tight. “Bring it on.”

Lloyd swallows, steels himself, and sets the needle against his skin. Kai flinches at the first prick, eyes squeezing shut briefly, but otherwise he doesn’t move, jaw set stubbornly as Lloyd moves quickly. For his part, Lloyd keeps his eyes locked on the stitches, his hands steady. For all that Lloyd’s made up of bouncing nerves half the time, his hands rarely shake. Never when patching wounds up. He’s always been proud of how steady he can hold a needle, and tonight is no exception.

It’s the least he can do.

Kai suddenly tenses up, a broken-off noise strangling in his throat. Lloyd’s heart twists, but he stays steady, rallying himself. Conversation — Kai likes talking, right? Distraction, he can do that.

“So, um,” Lloyd stutters. On second thought, he’s awful at small talk. But — for Kai. “The way you took down that last guy was, it was really cool. Where’d you learn that?”

Kai bites his lip, exhaling shakily before he answers. “I train too, you know.”

Lloyd’s mouth quirks, despite himself. “Not like that.”

“What, a ninja can’t — can’t get creative,” Kai replies, through half-gritted teeth. Lloyd doesn’t say anything, but Kai rolls his eyes, continuing. “Fine. When I was younger, I ah…might’ve taken a few dance classes. For Nya! ‘Cause I couldn’t let her go alone, y’know, but they were — they were kinda fun, I guess, and maybe they slip into fighting, sometimes.” His cheeks darken, and Lloyd bites back a quiet laugh.

“Nothing like Cole, obviously, ‘cause he’s an actual dancer, but — that’s where I got it from.” He pins Lloyd with a glare, that’s somewhat dimmed by the scrunched expression of pain on his face. “Tell anyone and you’re dead though, okay?”

Lloyd hums his agreement, too focused on the stitches to reply immediately. After a moment, though, he speaks up again. “I did some ballet, when I was little.”

“No way,” Kai says, sounding delighted.

“Yeah, way,” Lloyd says. “I’ve heard from a very reliable source that dancing backgrounds are useful, with ninja stuff.”

“Very reliable meaning your uncle,” Kai grins.

Lloyd shrugs. “Maybe,” he half-smiles. Kai suddenly sucks in another pained breath, but to Lloyd’s relief, it’s likely the last one. He finishes off the stitches with a well-practiced hand, snapping the end of the thread and exhaling in relief.

“There. All done.”

Kai’s eyes widen. “Seriously, already?” He glances down at his arm, his other hand moving up to touch the stitches. Lloyd smacks it away, glaring at him.

“Don’t touch. You still have to watch out for infection. I’ll text you instructions for taking care of it, and everything. Just don’t do anything, ah…”

“No ninja-ing?” Kai finishes for him, crestfallen.

“Probably a good idea,” Lloyd says, apologetic. “But it’s not too bad. Shouldn’t take long, and you can be out, uh, ninja-ing again."

Kai is quiet for a moment, regarding his stitches. Then he turns to Lloyd, who is immediately staggered at the bright smile that stretches across his face.

“Cool. Thanks, Lloyd. You’re good at this.”

Lloyd can’t answer, his throat burning. He forces the welling moisture back, looking away. Kai’s only hurt for him, and that is layered with so much more meaning than Lloyd can comprehend right now.

“No problem,” Lloyd mutters, focusing instead on the voices outside his door in an attempt to find footing again. He can hear his mom laughing at something Nya’s said, open and relaxed in a way his mom rarely is. Lloyd’s heart twists into knots.

He doesn’t deserve them, any of them. Not really.

If Kai reminds Lloyd of the sun, then the rest of the team reminds him of stars. All bright and shining, bursting with warmth in their own way. Maybe not quite at the blazing heat that Kai does, but Nya is a north star if Lloyd’s ever needed one. Jay’s a blinking constellation, scattered stars that form a complex whole much larger than you’d thought. Cole’s the kind of star you see first pop up over the horizon, blending with the oranges and purples of the sunset, like a painting you’d see in soft watercolors. Zane’s the early-morning kind of star, the ones that stay stubbornly after the night’s left, dotting the pale morning with a calm steadiness.

Lloyd would be a planet, he supposes, caught in faithful orbit around the five people who have somehow, for some reason, given him a chance. It’d be generous, though. No, Lloyd is content just to be a moon — with no light of his own, reflecting only the brilliance others give him the best he can.

Kai’s finger taps the edge of his forehead, snapping Lloyd from his thoughts, and he blinks in confusion.

“Lost you there, again,” Kai asks, words mangled through a yawn. “Where’d you go?”

Lloyd shakes his head, turning his attention back to the bloodied thread leftover in his hands. His stomach turns, and he quickly sets it aside. “Just thinking.” He pauses, momentarily lost for words. He settles for jerking his head toward the window, where the smoke trailing from their hard-won battle is still visible against the dark sky, and gives Kai a wry smile. “How much do you wanna bet the cheerleading team comes up with a new song tomorrow?”

It’s been an inside joke for them, the ridiculous songs Chen and his gang keep coming up with to throw at Lloyd, and normally it gets a laugh from Kai. This time, though, Kai is silent, his eyes searching as he stares at Lloyd. Lloyd shifts under the attention, caught off-guard again. He doesn’t know what kind of look this is, that Kai’s giving him.

“They shouldn’t talk about you like that,” Kai finally says. His voice is quiet, but Lloyd can spot the brewing anger in it. Kai’s always got anger to spare.

“Sticks and stones, remember?” Lloyd shakes his head. He’s learned, after a while, that anger changes nothing. “Words will never hurt me.”

“Words hurt when people are throwing sticks and stones at you while they yell about your dad,” Kai grumbles.

“No one’s thrown rocks since second grade, actually.”

“Hm.” Kai’s tone is a mix of thinly withheld anger and mild amusement. Lloyd tilts his head, confused, and Kai gives a huff, anger tugging loose.

“Y’know, people say that if kids throw rocks at you in second grade, it means they’ve got a crush on you.”

Lloyd knows well enough it’s a joke, but he flushes red anyways, heat spreading across his cheeks. “Yeah, sure,” he stammers. Kai laughs at his reaction, though, the odd kind of anger departing, and Lloyd feels he’s found his footing again.

They’re quiet as Lloyd finishes cleaning up the medical supplies, Kai nodding sleepily on his bed while Lloyd carefully washes the needle in the bathroom sink. Maybe he can convince his mom to let Kai spend the night, he thinks. Jay and Nya , too — their apartment isn’t very big, but it’s awfully late to make them walk home, and Lloyd is fine with taking the floor, if he needs to.

Lloyd nods to himself, resolving to ask her once he’s finished hiding the evidence. His mom’s been so thrilled about him having people over at all, he can’t see her saying no. A smile pulls at his lips as he listens to the conversation outside his door again. Jay’s rambling on now, bright and excited without any of his usual reservation. He feels a pang, wondering if Jay’s the same as him — wondering if they’re all the same, playing at muted caricatures of themselves, too fearful to let whatever lies beneath shine through.

He wonders what it means, that they’re the ones with the city in their hands, that weight on their shoulders. Wonders what it means, that Lloyd feels safer with bullets strafing the air around him and his mask on, than he ever has with it off. That Green Ninja will always, always sound better than Lloyd in his ears.

“Hey, uh.”

Lloyd starts at Kai’s voice, twisting the sink off as he turns to face him. Kai looks half asleep, but the smile he gives him is bright as ever.

“Thanks, seriously. Not just for this, but for looking out for us. You’re a good friend.”

Lloyd’s heart skips a beat, his brain latching onto the word friend and holding on tightly, tucking it somewhere safe inside his chest.

“So thanks, Lloyd,” Kai yawns, barely awake at all now, but still stubbornly clinging to the threads of awareness.

Lloyd’s got his own thank you to give back, twisted and strangled behind whatever lump’s formed in his throat, but Kai’s snoring before he gets the chance to say it. So Lloyd tugs the edge of his comforter over his friend — his friend — instead, and runs the words over in his mind again and again, like a treasured line from a book.

On second thought. Maybe Lloyd isn’t so bad. He’s only ever liked his name the way his mom says it, without any of the snapping, harsh emphasis others give it. In others’ mouths, Lloyd’s name is a curse. In his mom’s, Lloyd’s name belongs to a person.

But he thinks, maybe, he likes the way it sounds when his teammates use it, too.